#anyways yeah so I’m bisexual but not in the traditional sense. just let me live I’m so sick of reading posts bashing people like me

[sunsoak]

Everyone’s all “nonbinary is included in every sexuality” until a nonbinary person who is on hormones prefers men who like men and women who like women and all of a sudden I’m being problematic and offensive to…….. well everyone I guess

[castiel-left-his-mark-on-me]

Okay, i kno you must got this question a million times. But seriously, what makes you think jensen and misha are (were?) together?

I do get this question a lot, but that’s okay-- I am always in the mood to talk about Cockles.

It is a lot of things. First and foremost, the assumption that people are “straight until proven queer” is frustrating. If I die and all the untold truths of the universe are revealed to me, and one of them is that Jensen and Misha are both 100% straight (I’ll be shocked but ...) I’ll accept that without issue. However, not only has Misha spoken openly about his polyamorous relationship with his wife and their female friend, but his wife also wrote about it in her book (meaning that Vicki is bisexual, so he’s obviously cool with the concept). He has also told many stories with implications of his intimate relationships with men. From his various stories involving Darius, to his college roommate, Nico who confessed his love for Misha, and the fact that Nico made that confession because he witnessed Misha and another male friend "spending the night” together in Misha’s room, therefore “he thought it was okay” to confess his feelings ... plus Misha’s support for the LGBTQ community, and his comfort with “joking” about being intimate with his male costars and friends, all make me think that the man is a Kinsey 4 at very least.

Now, as for Jensen ... he’s a little more complicated, a little more subtle, but the combination of so many little things, plus how he and Misha act around one another makes me think that he is also not straight, and he very much enjoys being not-straight with that Blue Eyed Cutie Patootie. From Jensen’s early days, cheerleading and acting in school plays in spite of being bullied, to his very non-traditional Texan affect, to his comfort level with being physical with the men in his life (caresses and soft touches, hugs, standing very close to one another ect) to how he sometimes speaks to them, the roles he took on -- soft, sensitive “boyfriend” roles in soap operas and teen dramas, to seemingly bi-sexual roles in movies (i.e. “Blonde”), to quirky-- very liberal roles across from his future wife, where he got to wear make-up and pro-feminist clothing, and nail polish (i.e. “Ten Inch Hero”) that he admitted was “fun” to act in.

He doesn’t seem to only want to portray the “manly-man” and as someone who’s grown up knowing a lot of Texans, that’s not a common mindset. As Jensen said himself in that previously linked clip-- sometimes people forget that he’s not actually Dean. He’s an actor and he enjoys looking in the mirror and seeing new versions of himself; but if he were that typical “man’s man”, a hardcore Texas cowboy who must remain stoic and rough around the edges, I don’t think he’d enjoy seeing himself differently. In contrast, just look at Jared (and this is not meant as Jared-hate). Jared is also a Texan, but he is WAY MORE like the Texans that I’ve grown up knowing. He’s a little cocky, has a frat boy sense of humor and basically plays the same kind of roles over and over. Yeah, he might be “the pretty boy” but he’s “pretty” to the average middle aged white woman. He’s the Fabio on the cover of romance novels. He’s built, and he’s “tough” and he’s not typically emotional unless he’s just lost the love of his life ... he’s played that character in basically every show or movie he’s been cast in, and I have a feeling he will always play that character. Why? Because that’s how he sees himself, and straying from that would be hard for him; and that’s totally fine! Again, no hate; but the fact that that sort of mindset is something I’ve seen a lot of in the “typical straight Texan man” and then the fact that Jensen is pretty much none of that, is telling. Yes, Dean is a bad boy and macho, but he’s almost a parody of that kind of guy. He is macho with a soft side, he is a deadly bad boy who is kind and soft with children and animals. He likes hardcore guy-movies and porn, but also watches anime and chick flicks. He is a walking contradiction to the typical male-ego normally portrayed in film, and that’s why his character is so intriguing, and that’s why Jensen is so intriguing because he always gives his roles layers and dimensions and nuance that go against what we normally see. And to act in those kind of roles, to bring them to life like that ... I feel like there has to be some truth to it. So, all this is to say that Jensen is not your “typical straight Texan” ... he is something different, something more, and that’s never more clear than when he’s letting loose around Misha...

His accent kink, flashing him, straddlegate, the looks, the anniversary dinner, the compliments, the valentine’s card, matching clothes and accessories, and so on and so on . Plus, there is how others react to them being around one another ... like Jared (for more, just search my shipper!Jared tag) and Ruth. It all points to something being different about Jensen and Misha’s relationship with one another. Jared and Jensen have a very typical older/younger brother relationship-- where Jared acts goofy and annoying and Jensen just rolls his eyes at him, until they can act goofy and annoying together against someone else (i.e. Misha or Alex) and then they’re a team. But Jensen and Misha have something else. There’s a fondness there. There’s adoration and acceptance and comfort and secrecy. They seem to live in their own, little world when alone-- and even when they’re not alone. They talk to each other rather than the audience if they’re on stage, and half of what they say is in hushed whispers and private jokes. They act exactly how my husband and I do when we’re in public. We both prefer each other’s company anyway, so the rest of the world just dissolves away. And that’s the main point I’m trying to make I guess ... Jensen and Misha act like a married couple. Not just in the bickering and silliness, but in the trust-- in the closeness, in the solidarity of their words and touches.

Jensen and Misha aren’t straight ... and they aren’t just friends.

They are “together” in whatever way you interpret that word, and I think that it’s one of the most precious things I have ever witnessed.

[buoyantsaturn]

Constantly Doing Things That You Don’t Like (1/1)

summary: “You know what? Go to your room. You’re grounded. We’ll talk about this more when Nico gets home.” 

“You’re grounding me because I’m gay?” Bianca shouted. “You’re gay!” 

word count: 2,805

read on ao3 | read i’m in hell

Bianca’s best friend’s name was Mary. She was the first friend Bianca made when the Solaces moved to New York, and ever since their first sleepover, the two had been practically inseparable. With a friendship as close as theirs that spanned just about ten years, it made a lot of sense that the two of them would spend more time together than apart, and had even started applying to the same colleges with the intent of becoming roommates. 

Will liked Mary. She was a sweet little girl, and she was growing up to be a kind, respectful young woman. Even after all of Bianca’s other friends started calling Nico by his first time - which made total sense, considering even Bianca called him that - Mary still called him Mr. Solace. So, yeah, maybe Will had a soft spot for the kid. Sue him if he liked the occasional reminder that Nico was a Solace. 

Mary was spending just about every weekend at the Solace house as the girls’ junior year was coming to an end. Will had been looking forward to his somewhat more relaxed hours as an attending to spend the weekends with his family - and he supposed that, at this point, Mary was family - but the girls tended to hide away in Bianca’s room, and Nico occasionally went to brunch on Sundays with Hazel. That left Will feeling awfully lonely on Sunday mornings, at least until Bianca walked Mary out to her car. 

Will had been doing some cleaning, mainly emptying out the fridge of any leftovers that were too old to eat at this point, and went to take out the trash when he saw Bianca and Mary kissing against the side of Mary’s car. 

Will didn’t know what to do. Was he supposed to break them up? That was his daughter, she shouldn’t be kissing anybody! Should he take the trash to the curb and go back inside, pretending he didn’t see anything? He stood there contemplating for so long that the bag almost fell out of his hand, and as quickly and quietly as he could, Will stepped back into the house. He left the trash near the door, hoping he would remember to take it out after Bianca came back inside, and started pacing in the kitchen as he tried to think of what he needed to say.

It wasn’t much longer before Bianca came back inside, offering a hi, Dad, as she started back toward her room, and Will called out, “Wait!” 

Bianca paused, then spun on her heel to face him. Will still wasn’t sure what he wanted to say.

“Is there anything you’d like to tell me?” he said, then mentally chided himself. Now she was going to think she was in trouble! Was she in trouble?

Bianca’s eyes widened, then she shrugged.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re gay?” Will said next, because apparently he’d lost all control of his brain-to-mouth filter. “I mean, obviously I’m going to be very accepting! So why hide it?”

Bianca sighed, crossing her arms and slouching. “If I’d told you that Mary and I are together, then you would’ve made her sleep in the guest room instead of in my room.” 

Will ran a hand through his hair, gripping at the curls on the top of his head. “You’re having sleepovers with your girlfriend in my house.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal!” Bianca insisted. “It’s not like we’re...doing stuff. It’s not like I can get pregnant!” 

“That’s not the point!” Will exclaimed, waving his arms out frantically. “You know what? Go to your room. You’re grounded. We’ll talk about this more when Nico gets home.” 

“You’re grounding me because I’m gay?” Bianca shouted. “You’re gay!” 

Will gasped, blinking at his daughter like she’d slapped him across the face. “Excuse you, I am bisexual and you know that!” 

“Fine, whatever,” Bianca said with a roll of her eyes. “Nico’s gay.” 

“Hell yeah I am,” Nico said as he shut the front door behind himself and started to kick off his shoes. He looked between his husband and daughter, struggling to read the tone of the room. “What’s up?” 

Will took a deep breath, then pointed down the hall. “Bi, go to your room.” 

“Fine!” she snapped, and stomped down the hall, slamming her bedroom door shut behind herself. 

Will leaned heavily back against the island and buried his face in his hands. After a few breaths, he felt Nico place a comforting hand on his arm.

“What is going on?” Nico asked gently.

Will sighed and dropped his hands. “Bi’s gay.” 

“Oh no,” Nico said, clearly trying to hold back his laughter. “Are we going to get kicked out of the church?” 

That brought a smile to Will’s face. “I’m just...doing this all wrong.” 

Nico exhaled, then tugged on Will’s arm. He pulled his husband into the living room and sat down on the couch, pulling Will with him and laying Will’s head in his lap. It was something of a tradition they’d developed over the years whenever one of them felt like they hadn’t been a very good parent. It wasn’t an incredibly common occurrence, but after ten years, they were both pretty familiar with the feeling. 

Nico set one hand on Will’s chest and ran the other through Will’s hair. “Tell me what happened.” 

“I caught Bi kissing Mary in the driveway,” Will told him, then paused for Nico’s reaction.

He didn’t have one, aside from a nod and a soft hum. 

Will gripped the sleeve of Nico’s sweatshirt - it was one of Will’s, from undergrad. (Another habit Nico had developed: claiming Will’s old clothes as his own, not that Will minded.) “Did you know?” Will demanded, his eyes nearly popping out of his head. 

“No, not for sure,” Nico replied, “but I had my suspicions.” 

“You don’t think it’s...an issue?” Will asked. “Not the gay thing, obviously, but… She had a secret girlfriend. And they’ve been sleeping in the same bed for...I don’t know, ten years!” 

Nico pressed the backs of his fingers against the side of Will’s neck, causing him to flinch and tense. “Alright, cool down a little bit, babe. It’s not like they’ve been dating for ten years. And remember when you were her age? Wouldn’t you have done the same thing?” 

“No!” Will said immediately, and his cheeks started to glow red. “I mean... I didn’t really...date until college anyway, so--” 

“So she gets that from me, is what you’re saying,” Nico teased. 

“Oh no,” Will muttered, “she’s going to move across the country, move into some beautiful doctor’s house, and get married.” 

Nico shrugged. “Worked pretty well for me.” 

Will pulled back Nico’s sleeve and tugged at a bit of his arm hair, causing Nico to flinch and cry out, “Hey!” 

“You’re not helping,” Will grumbled. “I thought this was supposed to make me feel better.” 

“Sorry, Sunshine,” Nico whispered, stroking Will’s hair again, then said, “You probably just needed a little more time to process before talking to Bi. I’m gonna have to say that maybe grounding her was a little too harsh.” Will glanced up at him with a furrowed brow, and Nico hurried to add, “I’m not going to start undermining your decisions. You grounded her, so she’s grounded. But maybe next time a conversation would work better.” 

“You’re right,” Will told him, running a hand over his face. “Obviously, you’re right, but I don’t… What should I do now?” 

“Talk to her.” 

Will pouted. 

“You’re gonna have to talk to her eventually,” Nico told him. 

“I know,” Will groaned. “I think I just need more time to process. How long does this last?” 

“How long does what last?”

“The...grounding thing,” Will answered. “How long do I have to process this before she’s allowed to come out of her room?” 

Nico had to hold back a laugh. He wasn’t serious, was he? “How long did you ground her for?” 

“How...what?” Will asked. “There’s not just, like, a standard time?” 

Nico took Will’s cheeks in his hands. “Babe, have you never been grounded before?”

Will’s cheeks went red again. “I was a very good kid!” 

“You’re adorable,” Nico told him, bending over for a kiss, then leaning back to squish Will’s cheeks. “Our kid’s a good one too, you know.” 

“Of course I know that,” Will said, swatting Nico’s hands away. “The grounding was a gut reaction, okay? I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

Nico took a breath. “Okay, so you sent her to her room. That’s a good first step. Did you take away her phone? Laptop? Video games?” 

Will’s nose scrunched up, which Nico immediately knew meant no. “Was I supposed to?”

“I love you so much,” Nico said, causing Will to pout, “but babe.” 

Will reached for the pillow resting against the arm of the couch and pressed it over his face. 

Nico tapped on his chest twice. “Alright, let me up. I guess I have to go be bad cop now and take away all of our daughter’s toys.” 

Will sat up, but kept Nico from moving with a hand on his arm. “Do you think she’s mad at me?” 

Nico shook his head. “Confused and frustrated, definitely, but I doubt she’s mad. I can talk to her, but you’re the one that’s gonna have to undo the grounding.” 

Will nodded, his lips pressed together tightly. He hugged the pillow to his chest as Nico stood, but Will stopped him with a, “Hey.” When Nico looked back at him, Will continued, “Tell her that I love her?” 

“She knows,” Nico told him with a smile.

“I know. Tell her anyway.” 

“Okay.” Nico leaned down to kiss Will’s forehead, then started toward the hall. He knocked on Bianca’s door as a warning before cracking it open and peeking inside. “Hey, Bi?” 

He watched his daughter hastily slide her phone under her pillow. Nico barely held back from rolling his eyes. He entered the room fully and closed the door behind himself, then leaned back against it. “Princess, I’m sorry your dad’s such an idiot, but I’m gonna need your phone, your laptop, your Switch… Pretty much anything that isn’t homework, basically.” 

“But I need my laptop for my homework,” Bianca said immediately.

Nico raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have anything on paper?” 

She hesitated. “Well, I do…” 

“Finish the physical stuff first, and when you show me that it’s done, I’ll give you your laptop back,” Nico told her. 

Bianca huffed. “Fine.” She pulled her phone back out, then gathered up her laptop, console, and even an old iPod that Nico thought might have been Will’s, and dumped it all in Nico’s arms. “There. Happy?” 

Nico stood eye to eye with Bianca and struggled to remember the last time he had to actually tilt his head down in order to look at her. “No, actually, I’m not. Partially because I don’t really like the idea that my daughter is almost taller than me, but there’s a couple other things, too. Can we talk about it?” 

Bianca crossed her arms and shrugged. 

Nico nodded toward the bed. “Let’s sit down for a minute. Maybe I’ll even let you keep Dad’s iPod if you talk to me.” 

With a sigh, Bianca returned to her bed, sitting criss-cross near the pillows and leaving plenty of space for Nico at the foot of the bed. When it was clear that she wasn’t going to start the conversation, Nico said, “So, do you want to tell me your side of the story?”

Bianca kept her gaze on the bedspread. “You mean how Dad somehow caught me kissing Mary and flipped out? What else is there to say?” 

“I don’t know, maybe… How long have you been together? How long have you known you were gay? Why didn’t you tell us so that we could stop having awkward conversations about how to prevent teen pregnancy? And I don’t want to hear, because I wanted to have sleepovers with my girlfriend, because I know there’s more than that.” 

Bianca snorted, so at least that was a start. “We prefer partners,” she said softly. “Not girlfriends.”

“Okay, noted.” 

“And I didn’t tell you because… I wasn’t sure,” Bianca continued. “I talk to Mary about everything, you know? Because there’s some things you can’t talk to dads about.” 

“Sure, but you do know you can talk to us about anything, right?” Nico asked.

Bianca raised an eyebrow. “Girl stuff, Nico.” 

He scrunched up his nose. “Okay, yeah, keep that to yourself.” 

She laughed, though only for a few seconds before getting quiet again. “I didn’t...know if I was gay or straight or something else. There’s just so many labels, you know? So, like, one day, Mary was like well I’ll just kiss you and then you’ll know, and I really don’t think that’s how it works, but… I mean, maybe I like boys and Mary. I dunno. I didn’t tell you because I don’t know, but if it makes you feel more included, or whatever, I think I’m bisexual.” 

Nico nodded. “Well, it would make sense.” 

Bianca’s head tilted in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“Well, your father was great at two things,” Nico told her. “Making bisexual children, and then abandoning them. So you fit right in with your dad, Aunt Kayla, and Uncle Austin.” 

Bianca grinned. “Good to know.” She shot Nico a questioning look. “So, you’re sticking with gay, though? You’re surrounded by bisexuals, and it hasn’t rubbed off at all?” 

“Ew, no,” Nico said immediately. “Princess, I love you, but aside from immediate family, I don’t want anything to do with women.” 

“Alright, I get it.” Bianca pulled her knees up to her chest, and a second later, her smile fell away. “So, you’re not mad at me?” 

“No, of course not,” Nico assured her. “And your dad’s not, either. We both love you so much, and we just want you to be happy. But at the same time: you’re a child, Bi. You can’t be having sleepovers with your partner in this house. Mary can still come over all the time, and she can spend the night, but she’s sleeping in the guest room. And if she goes into your room when you’re both supposed to be asleep, that’s it. No more spending the night.” 

“We’re going to be living together in a year,” Bianca reminded him. “We’ve already decided that we’re going to the same college and getting put in the same dorm.” 

Nico shrugged. “And I can’t stop you then. You’ll be an adult living under your own roof. But until then, you listen to me, you listen to your dad, and you tell us stuff. It’s not even like we’re trying to be nosy! Neither of us have any intention of going through your phone or your laptop while you’re grounded - I don’t think I would want to, honestly - but we want to know about you.”

“Okay, I get it,” Bianca said with a nod. “I won’t keep secrets anymore.” 

“Good. Now, do you wanna come out into the living room and say that to your dad? Maybe have the conversation you should have been having when I got home?” 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Bianca stood up, but didn’t get far before Nico pulled her into a hug. He kissed her cheek, told her he loved her, then let her go out into the living room while he picked up the pile of electronics on the bed. He left the room to find Bianca wrapped up in Will’s arms. 

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Will said as he practically squeezed the life out of their daughter. “I wasn’t thinking, and I shouldn’t have grounded you, and I’m sorry. I was upset that you didn’t tell me, and I lashed out, so I’m taking it back. No more grounding.” 

“Hm, no,” Nico cut in. “Keep a little bit of grounding. She did keep a pretty big secret from us.” 

Will met Nico’s eyes over Bianca’s shoulder, not loosening his grip on her at all. “Yeah? How much is a little bit, because I’m still not really sure what I’m doing.” 

Nico smiled at him. “Just for tonight. Laptop for homework only, and she can have everything back in the morning. After we have a nice long talk.”

Bianca finally wriggled free of Will’s hold, just to complain, “A long talk? I don’t have that much time! I have a lot of homework to do!” 

Nico grinned. “Then maybe you should’ve spent less time kissing your partner in the driveway and more time doing your homework all weekend. You know, like you told us you were doing? Take a seat, kid. You’re in for a lot of embarrassing questions.” 

thanks for reading!! and happy lesbian day of visibility!!!!

buy me a coffee

[queenitn]

So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)

[captainofthefallen]

OC Interview

Rules:

1. Choose an OC.

2. Answer as that OC.

3. Tag 5 people to do the same Open tag because you’re lazy 

So about six million years ago @queen-scribbles​ dropped me a tag on one of these in case I wanted to talk about a character and so I’m cashing in on that because I want to talk about Zeph (my wonderful amazing air genasi monk who deserves all the happiness in the world who I unintentionally cursed with anxiety worse than mine. Poor darling.) 

1. What is your name?

“Zeph.” She hesitates. “Okay fine technically it’s Zephyr but nobody I actually like calls me that. So if you want me to like you, don’t.” 

2. Do you know why are you named that?

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, because I’m an air genasi and the monks couldn’t think of anything better when I was dumped on them.” 

3. Are you single or taken?

Her annoyance melts instantly as she blushes and ducks her head, almost trying to hide her smile. “Um... taken. Much to my surprise.” 

4. Have any abilities or powers?

“Let’s see... good at punching things? I learned the other day I’m pretty good at hockey. I can levitate things, and sometimes I can blink into another plane if I can’t dodge something quickly enough.” She shrugs a little, almost bashful. 

[we spent the first hour of our last session playing fantasy hockey; Zeph was the goalie thanks to the monk’s deflect missiles ability. It was delightful. Also indirectly led to her getting asked out which was a plus.] 

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

She raises her eyebrows. “I’m not sure if I should be flattered you think I’m perfect or insulted you think it’s unrealistic.” She laughs, then sobers. “Really though if you think I’m perfect you’re not looking hard enough.” 

6. What’s your eye color?

“Gray.”

7. How about your hair color?

“Silver, mostly. Think there’s some blue in there.”

8. Have any family members?

She shrugs dramatically. “Fuck if I know. None that I know of. Maybe my parents are dead, and maybe they just dumped me, but either way I guess it doesn’t matter.” 

9. Oh? How about pets? 

Her smile returns. “Well the party has our blink dog, Ptoast. Long story.” She turns around to look back toward the docks, where a water genasi is play wrestling a gnoll. “Cotton Eye Joe doesn’t count, he can talk.” 

[yes we adopted a gnoll. And we named him Cotton Eye Joe. Long story.]

10. That’s cool, I guess. Now, tell me something you don’t like?

“Wererats,” she says immediately. “Especially if they’re in a crime syndicate and frame people’s friends for enough crimes to get them thrown in jail for way too long. Also when people tell me I can’t do something.” 

11. Do you have any activities/hobbies that you like to do?

“Oh, loads. Pretty much anything I can get my hands on, really. Puzzles, cards, I think I could probably still juggle if I tried.” Her gaze shifts upward as she thinks. “Does fucking with Ptah count as a hobby?” (”Yes,” three voices respond immediately. “Fuck you!” adds a fourth.) “Guess so.” 

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

She bites her lip. “Sure, I guess. Tends to happen when you get in fights. Got arrested for beating up a tabaxi in a bar once.” 

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

She nods. “Not... much. Some gnolls, some wererats, some weird mushroom things. People... not really easy to get used to that. Though there are a few I’d make exceptions for. And besides I’ve got an assassin and a... well, Ptah, for friends, they can handle it.” 

14. What kind of animal are you?

“Like, what animal would represent me? Some kind of cat, I think? Maybe a tiger. Gods help anyone who suggests I’m a bird.” 

15. Name your worst habits?

She laughs. “Oh boy. Well I overthink things. A lot. Somehow I also manage to be reckless sometimes. And I spend way too much time and effort trying to figure out what other people want from me.” She sighs. “Working on that one.” 

16. Do you look up to anyone at all?

“My friend Bright. Learned a lot from him. About the world, and about me. He’s about the closest thing I’ve got to family, I think. At least until I met these assholes.” 

17. Are you gay, straight or bisexual?

She inclines her head. “Think you missed a few options there, but I’m bisexual.” 

18. Did you attend school?

“Not in the traditional sense, no. I was educated in the monastery where I was raised.” 

19. Ever want to marry and have kids one day?

She laughs again. “Bold of you to assume I even know what I want to do next week.” She bites her lip. “I haven’t really thought about it. I guess I wouldn’t be opposed, but it doesn’t seem... I don’t know. I’m trying to live in the moment right now.” 

20. Do you have any fangirls/fanboys?

She grins. “Does my boyfriend count? I’m kidding. Um... not me specifically, I don’t think. There may be a few fans of our group, since we kind of stopped evil snake people from taking over the government, but I don’t think anyone would have much of a reason to be my fan.”

21. What are you most afraid of? 

She blinks a few times. “Being forgotten,” she says at last. “And... well. No. I think I’ll keep that one to myself.”

22. What do you usually wear?

She gestures to her clothing--flexible, dark-colored pants and a tank top, along with the wraps on her hands. She’s also wearing a dark cloak that sparkles just a bit when she moves. “It’s a cloak of protection,” she says. “Ptah gave it to me, to see how I’d react. I was very drunk at the time (and so was he, to be fair) so I’m a little hazy on the details, but...” She blushes faintly. “Anyway.” 

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

“I love pecan pie. Also, cookies and pastries and such in general are pretty great. Especially Ashyew’s reactions to them.” 

24. Am I annoying you?

She raises an eyebrow, smirking. “Are you trying to? Try harder.” 

25. Well, it’s still not over!

She smiles. “Full speed ahead, then.” 

26. What class are you (low/middle/high)?

She gives a bemused sort of grin. “That’s a very weird question right now. I guess financially we’d probably qualify as middle class at this point, but we were also recently given a villa, so.... No idea. I really have no idea.” 

27. How many friends do you have?

The smile stays. “One more than I thought I did a few days ago.” She thinks for a moment. “Brin and Bright, and Rhede, and the group, are the ones I’d call close friends. Kazimir and the others might qualify, to an extent, but seeing as I wasn’t even sure I was friends with Morana... so about eight.”

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Pie is amazing and wonderful. Do you have any?” She sighs. “Thought not. Worth a try.” 

29. Favorite drink?

“Hmm. Never really thought much about it. Alcohol is pretty much nasty, yet for some reason I still drink it.” 

30. What’s your favorite place?

“So far? Aargau. The dwarves have fucking indoor plumbing. And hockey. I really wish we could’ve stayed longer. And not just because I was promised a date.” She thinks for a moment. “I’m also a fan of the rooftop deck at our villa in Kalmar. But overall, gotta be Aargau.” 

31. Are you interested in anyone?

She blushes, grinning widely. “Just a little. If I wasn’t clear up to this point, well, it’s still kinda new. But Ptah is my boyfriend.” Her entire face lights up with her smile as she says it. “So yes, I guess you could say I’m interested in him.” 

32. That was a stupid question…

The grin doesn’t fade. “To be fair to you, I was being a little vague. Don’t worry about it.” 

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

She thinks for a moment. “I haven’t really spent much time in either. Other than that giant octopus, though, I have enjoyed the ocean. Especially if Ash is there as a dolphin or something.” 

34. What’s your type?

She laughs out loud and buries her face in her hands for a moment. “According to my track record of one, it’s dumbass tieflings who don’t seem to ever shut up and who are really fun to get drunk with. If you’re looking for a serious answer... it’s because he listened to me. I... I doubt myself, a lot, and I usually do okay at hiding it but I didn’t need to hide it from him. I could tell him anything, and not only does he not judge me he somehow always manages to say exactly what I need to hear. So...” Her blush deepens. “Yeah.” 

35. Any fetishes?

“If I did, I wouldn’t be about to tell you.” She winks, despite her blush. 

36. Camping or outdoors?

“Can I have both? You mean like... in a tent or under the stars? Depends on the weather. But if it’s clear? Stars. I didn’t retain much of what I read about the stars, but they’re beautiful.” 

[thotful-alien]

Comphet makes so much sense

I've had obsessive crushes on guys my whole life. I remember writing about my infatuations in my journals since I was a kid. I never seriously acted upon these crushes, though. They were usually unattainable. The few times a guy expressed interest in me first, I freaked out, I'd avoid them. Or if I indulged them and they went in for a kiss, I felt sick to my stomach. I found reasons for them to not be good enough for me. But I'd tell myself to give them a chance even when I wanted to run away screaming, and I ended up in unfulfilling uncomfortable scenarios.

What I wanted was validation and attention from my objects of desire. A relationship in which I was pursued was unsatisfactory. I tried hard to feel excited but something was missing. I was just along for the ride, trying to figure out if I was broken inside and incapable love.

My past infatuations included:

- Professors MUCH older than me

- boys older than me

- Taken guys who were dating my friends

- Gay guys

- an actual abusive Sociopath

- Tom Hiddleston as Loki

- guys who didn't acknowledge me outside of class

The first man I convinced myself I was in love with was dating an ex-friend of mine. He and I were good friends and I let my infatuation bloom, I even eventually told myself I was physically attracted to him, that he's the only guy I'd actually marry and have kids with. But fast forward 3 years, when he was finally single and hit me up, I didn't want to pursue him even though I was *so* in love with him throughout the years. I just felt powerful that he desired me. I lost all serious interest. He came over one evening 2 years ago and his car got towed so he slept on my couch. At one point he woke me up asking if he could cuddle me and I said yes, and that moment was like so satisfying because I finally got what I thought I wanted from him. I didn't actually physically feel butterflies. He later asked me to be his Valentine and I said yes, but he didn't see me that day and left for New Zealand a few weeks later. I was only a little sad tbh. I feel like I still love him but as a platonic friend.

A lot of taken guys that I'm close to develop crushes on me, it feels powerful for a while but then I'm just uncomfortable with it, I just wish I could be best friends with men without them feeling anything about me.

I find that's true in general. I just want to be left alone. If a cute guy seems to be interested in me, I find every flaw possible to justify not wanting to indulge him. I just want to be "bros" with boys. I get nervous if I feel them checking me out. Even objectively attractive men make me nervous, and I'm not physically attracted to them and I don't see myself in a relationship with them.

In fact I've set impossible standards in place and I don't even see a man in my future at all. When I envision my future I see me, a cat, some house plants, and being the "cool aunt" babysitter at family gatherings when my brothers have kids. I have zero desire to pursue men at all.

I was dumped last month by a guy I decided to trust even though the first time he kissed me I freaked out and wanted to vomit. I told myself it was PTSD from a past experience and to get over myself and give him a chance because he's a good friend of my brothers' and he was really charming and easy to talk to. As the relationship continued he turned out to be a fucking narcissist, so that's fun, but I had to force myself to find him attractive and overlook the fact that I felt nothing towards him physically and kinda just ignored his corporeal form. He treated me great at first so I ignored my gut feelings. I grew to like the idea of him and the idea of our future because it would be so convenient since he's close to my family already. But when I imagined us long-term, I grew incredibly sad. I knew that I didn't want to actually settle down with him yet, because I wanted to be with a woman. That thought never went away.

The relationship went to shit and I've been recovering for a month now but I feel freed in a sense because I want to finally be with a woman. That idea is so exciting to me. I've always been attracted to women and I only acknowledged it at age 19 and I told myself I was bi because of my past infatuations for men. But accepting that I like girls was such a huge moment for me, I'd been repressing those feelings my whole life. I wasn't doing a good job apparently because everyone around me thought I was gay before I even entertained the idea.

I was actually kinda bullied and made fun of because everyone thought I was gay. Thankfully in marching band there were HELLA queer folks and I ended up running with the crowd that grew up to be members of the LGBT+ community. They all thought I was gay, too. Not even bi, just straight up gay. But I was too defensive about it and kept ignoring my feelings. I only had one real boyfriend in highschool and that was my senior year, it lasted until after my first semester in college until I broke it off. I never felt excited about him, he stopped communicating, so I found reasons to decide I shouldn't be in a relationship with him. He didn't do anything wrong per se, I just knew I couldn't be with him anymore.

That was my first serious relationship, and the longest one I had. The last one I got out of was only 4 months. And the entire time I was wishing I could be with a woman instead.

In the past I've entertained the idea of being a lesbian instead of being bi, since the only times I've been excited about someone hitting on me have been when they were women. I always had a special soft spot for my friends growing up. I realized last year that I felt love for my straight best friend. Something about women is just so exciting, they make me feel warm and get the butterflies, I blush and look away when I see a beautiful girl on campus. My Instagram feed is full of beautiful models and makeup artists, as well as traditional artists that draw women, and I'm just so drawn to appreciating women's bodies and their beauty.

Even drawing a woman gets me all excited and tingly. I never feel like that with men, even picturesque guys that are objectively attractive. I seriously thought I was asexual until I acknowledged my very real attraction to women.

In video games where you can woo a woman, I get so fucking excited for the chance to do so. Growing up (and still now) I occasionally make lesbian couples on the Sims, and I always felt this guilty excitement when they would kiss.

The first fantasy that excited me as a teenager that wasn't some fucked up power scenario was me imagining I was playing 7 minutes in heaven and getting paired up with a girl.

I've felt over the past few years that I'm definitely more on the gay side of the bisexual spectrum. But now I'm feeling like I really am a lesbian. I looked up comphet when I was searching for answers online and the masterdoc I found just perfectly described my life, I felt like I was seen and understood for the first time. I think everyone around me was right that I'm actually gay as fuck. Throughout my shitty relationship I found myself looking longingly at beautiful women and feeling like something in my life was missing. After things ended I wrote in my journals that I wished I were a lesbian. And finding the masterdoc was so affirming for me! I want to shout it from the rooftops but I'm afraid people will think it's just because I broke up last month and I'm just "done" dealing with men. But I feel like this chance to reflect upon myself has brought me to acknowledge that I'm Gay as FUCK. And that my feelings for men were comphet.

I previously identified as bisexual, and this is in no way being biphobic or dismissive, I will fight to the teeth to defend the legitimacy of bisexual folks, fight their erasure, and that they belong in queer spaces and queer discourse. I just, I think I just took a really long time to unravel my feelings, and I feel like I'm realizing at age 25 that I am, indeed, a lesbian.

It's a difficult feeling because I feel finally that I've found a label that fits me, but I've been out as Bi for years now and even though my immediate family never pressured me to settle down with a man and pop out babies, I feel like it was a choice I HAD to make. Like I had to just hang up my Bi flag and become a housewife. But I don't want that. I don't see myself with a man in the future. And if I want kids I can find a sperm donor. I think I'm feeling the loss of "the option" of living a straight life. But I don't want that at all. So it's difficult unwrapping myself from that expectation.

But yeah I'm fairly certain that I'm a lesbian, I feel like I need to tell people but I don't know how to go about doing it and I'm afraid I won't be taken seriously even though my immediate family is 100% supportive and accepting. I don't know how or when to come out to people. I'm still dealing with self doubt. But I'm fucking GAY GOD DAMNIT and I feel like everyone has to know!

Fuck.

Anyway of you read this really, I really appreciate it. This is a huge transformative moment for me.

[momestuck]

Let’s read Hiveswap Friendsim - volume 3

So we’ve met, and worked out how to ‘befriend’ four trolls, who are various levels of fucked up (due to Alternia being a horrifying dystopia).

Now we have volume 3 - ‘of ladies grey and lusii white’.

The narration heavily implies that we have befriended at least one of the trolls. So maybe we should assume that we are donating blood to Amisia and chilling with Cirava... and maybe enjoying the meat with Diemen and even being mind controlled by Ardata? Perhaps we are supposed to presume these episodes happen one after the other, and the ‘true’ route is the friendship ending for each one?

So, we continue on our quest to harvest as many friends as possible. Yes. This is reasonable social behaviour.

This time, two girls. Also I forgot there was a tier of hemospectrum between burgundy and yellow, but yes, Skylla here has bronze blood like Tavros. And Bronya here has jade blood like Kanaya.

Left to right seems to be the intended order perhaps - since our broken arm wasn’t mentioned in Cirava’s route, so maybe it was already healed by Amisia - so let’s continue along that pattern.

Skylla

Skylla is also written by Aysha U. Farah. We head out of the city, and get a taste of Alternia’s brutal sun.

The music feels very western in this one... acoustic guitars, a fiddle solo, whistling and stuff like that.

Most trolls except Jade bloods can’t survive the sun, I recall.

The narration mentions our shades, but apparently we left them with Cirava. That confirms the Cirava friendship route is canon (which makes sense, because we straight up died in the other one). The narration also mentions extensive blood loss, so that confirms the Amisia friendship route as well.

We learn a little about how our frienship-starved protagonist got here: we stole the ship. No word yet on how it travelled between universes to Alternia.

We see a shimmer in the distance and get a choice to go there or not. I’m gonna say... not, on the assumption we’ll just die.

That’s fair lol.

We meet Skylla. Her typing quirk is that she doubles up her ‘y’s.

Obviously she’s a cowgirl. Wondering what the twist is, since she actually seems nice.

We meet her lusus. Who’s a dog that someone’s put through a posterise filter. I, uh... could you have like... drawn one?

Alternian names: grubcake is pancake, boiled tree blood is syrup, and churned milk product is butter. Hope you’re taking notes!

We learn that Skylla’s on the verge of her term of service in the Alternian military, but before we can learn much more, bandits show up. Skylla rushes outside into the sun, and we get a choice of trying to stop her, or help her.

Let’s try helping her first. Recklessness!

We get an action scene. It has one illustration, and a few lighting effects, but that’s VNs for you. So far only the major troll friend candidates have been illustrated.

Anyway, at this point the (presumably quite bisexual) narrator gets a big crush on Skylla. This can only end badly, I think.

After the fight, she gets us to rest in her recuperacoon to heal from our horrific sunburns. She assures us that taking a bath in a pool of slime is ‘neither a pale nor flushed solicitation’.

That seems altogether too happy for this game. Seriously. We meet someone nice, fight bandits, and then that’s that, we’re best friends?

But there’s still a branch to check. What happens if we try to stop her going out in the sun?

You succeed in stopping her and the bandits rustle her dog and her herd of lusii.

So we get a depressing wait for the sun to go down as Skylla despairs.

That’s real lol.

She gets a ransom text from the kidnappers. Or, lususnappers. A lampshade is hung...

The narrator continues to be very pushy about the friends thing, wishing Skylla would fall into their arms crying. Because friendship.

Instead she tells us to go, because seeing us reminds her of Lady. Aww.

(...shouldn’t we still be wearing the clothes we got from Cirava on this route? eh, nevermind)

Let’s say the other route is canon, yes? Eesh.

Bronya

Bronya is written by Cee L. Kyle.

Without a lot of explanation, we’re in a cave now.

I’m sure I recognise snatches of this song. Sounds like something from a Ghibli movie? Kiki maybe? Or maybe from the HS soundtrack elsewhere?

So if we know anything about Kanaya and Porrim, it is that Jadebloods are concerned with the physical reproduction of trolls, looking after the Mother Grub in the Brooding Caverns. Also, if we can generalise, they tend to be lesbians.

Bronya mostly doesn’t use a typing quirk, except for being quite formal, but when she exclaims she vV puts her words between v’s Vv.

Rules are set. Bronya seems to like enumerating lists right after the vVVv thing. She makes another one as we reach the other jadeblood trolls.

Bronya, it turns out, is breaking tradition by trying to treat injured wigglers instead of letting them die.

Gender gender gendeeeeeer. Reproductive labour, the unacknowledged foundation of society or something.

We get a choice whether to let her treat our broken ribs. Unfortunately, Comic Hijinks ensue and we crush a wiggler.

So yeah. That must be our early ‘death’ branch. So, let’s go back, and refuse ointment, and help her instead. 

She strikes this pose whenever she makes a list.

Ah, that’s what this game was missing - bulbous sphincters!

As we look on at the brooding caverns, one of the Imperial Drones carrying filial pails crushes a few wigglers, causing a lusus to become enraged with grief. Bronya steps up to do the other side of social reproduction... managing conflicts...

Second choice: fight the monster or ‘be a weeny’. Weeny for life, but let’s get crushed by a big bison first.

This made me giggle.

Unfortunately our efforts to stop the rampaging bison lusus fail so spectacularly that we get crushed and the commotion causes the Imperial Drones to come back and exterminate everybody. Nice going, us.

The narrator’s major concern is whether this means friendship is off the table.

So... wow this branch is not going easy on us huh! Every choice we make, babies start dying.

Next up... we stay back and don’t help.

So this is kind of about the same thing as Kanaya’s role as the ‘mum friend’ - emotional and reproductive labour, taking responsibility in impossible ways...

But this time she Learns a Valuable Lesson about letting others - in this case, the jadebloods she trained - do the work and looking after ‘the weakest in the group’. And we start taking care of a wiggler. Which earns her approval.

The wiggler gets a nice bath of sopor slime to help its weak lungs and throat - sorry, bellow sacs and sorrow chute(!), but still has little chance - and we question whether this is how things should be...

‘1. We are not revolutionaries.’ she declares, insistently. They are there to perpetuate the system - including the Hemospectrum.

(cough... we live in a society(TM), and people have to reproduce that society every day...)

We finish by assuring any would-be eavesdroppers that you harbour no revolutionary ideals.

And hey, our ribs are getting better!

Hey, I rather liked this episode actually. It feels like it’s starting to have a point to it, rather than just edgy hijinks. Let’s keep going with this...

[timeisacephalopod]

Death of a Bachelor

Non-powered coming out IronStrange AU in which Stephen brings Tony home under a few... false pretenses. And, as always when I write him, Stephen is Asian (Nepali). The title for this is literally because Death of a Bachelor is stuck in my head and it sorta fits lol.

Peter sighs, “just you know... be yourself,” he says.

Tony squints, “‘myself’ sucks, what kind of garbage advice is that?” he asks. “I’ve got one shot at this and I know I’m going to botch it.” He’s never been good at ‘meet the parents’. Its happened once and Pepper’s parents still hate him and they aren’t even together anymore.

“That’s what you’d tell me!” Peter says.

“That’s because you’re a sweet, loving young man and anyone would be lucky to have you. I’m an asshole with a long history of warmongering and that’s honestly not even my biggest flaw.” And that’s a fucking feat. 

“Okay you know what, is Stephen even the type to care if his parents like you? Because you’ve been for dating for over a year and I think he’s mentioned them once and that was in direct reference to his dead sister so I don’t really think it matters too much,” he says.

Probably not, Stephen isn’t the type to care what others think period. But Tony wants at least one set of parents to like him and he loves Stephen so this is probably his last chance. If all goes well he wants to propose, was going to anyways, but Stephen brought up his parents so he thought he’d deal with that first. So he really, really only has one shot at this. “It would be nice if a set of parents didn’t hate me for once. Not that I’d blame them really- if you brought home someone who’s a fan of me I’d tell you to dump them immediately. My fans are worse than Fight Club fans.”

Peter laughs, “its true. But I think that’s mostly because they think that time you were a womanizing warmongering alcoholic is like peak you and glorify it, not because you’re actually crappy,” he says.

Across the apartment the elevator door dings and Pepper steps out, “what?” she asks when they swivel to face her.

“We’re talking about dad’s crappy fans,” Peter says. “And also him meeting Stephen’s parents tomorrow.”

Pepper rolls her eyes, “ your fans are awful. They take who they want you to be and tout that image around no matter how little it actually resembles you as a person. As for Stephen’s parents, I have no advice. You’re horrible at these things,” she says.

“See?” Tony says to Peter. “Even Pepper thinks I’m hopeless.”

*

Stephen considers not telling Tony but if he doesn’t he’ll be in for a rather nasty surprise and he can see how nervous he is already. “They’re going to hate you,” he says bluntly and Tony glares at him.

“Is that really supposed to make me feel better?” he asks.

No, but that isn’t why he’s telling Tony anyways. “It won’t be your fault, they’re raging homophobes so they’re going to hate you on account of not being a woman. And I sort of told them you were Christine because I didn’t want to come out over the phone so they’re also going to be a bit surprised. Not that I care, its my grandmother I’d like to like you anyways but if she doesn’t she’s old, its entirely possible that she’s gone senile.” She’d have to be to not like Tony.

Frankly the only reason he’s doing this is because he’s going to propose and his parents Google him once and awhile to figure out what he’s up to. He can’t not tell them and if he tells his gran she’s got a big mouth, she’ll tell them accidentally or maybe on purpose- its hard to tell with her- and then he’ll have to explain himself. So to bypass all that drama he figures he’ll bring Tony home, deal with his parents’ crap, and then propose and get married in peace. Assuming Tony says yes and its a very real possibility he won’t. He’s only been stated that he’s not a marriage person his entire life.

God, he loathes risks he can’t determine the outcome of with at least some educated success.

“This is going to be a disaster,” Tony mumbles and Stephen pities him, really. At least his parents are dead so Stephen doesn’t need to worry about impressing the dust in their graves.

*

To say meeting Stephen’s parents goes badly is an understatement. The first thing they did was look confused, which Tony can’t blame them for considering he very much does not look like a ‘Christine’ let alone Stephen’s Christine. First of all she’s taller. Then Stephen had issued a rather formal ‘I’m bisexual’ and pretended like he hadn’t just said that and then his parents launched into transphobia with their relief that Stephen wasn’t dating some kind of freak. Because apparently he can totally pass as a Christine. Stephen had winced almost harder at that than Tony considering he obviously forgot Peter is trans and Tony doesn’t have the patience for people insulting that.

As it was he only kept his mouth shut because he didn’t want to make anything worse but Stephen’s parents insist of doing that themselves with their weird and invasive questions. Eventually Stephen’s old as shit grandmother told them to shut up, which had resulted in the best part of the night. It had been pretty clear that Stephen’s relationship with his grandmother was stronger than the one with his parents so he’d look pleased when she stood up for Tony, who was very close to his wits end and he thinks he has a dash of patience these days.

When she tells him to stop putting up with Stephen’s parent’s shit Stephen stuffs his face into his glass of wine, obviously anticipating disaster. Tony considers not saying anything but he’s had a bad night and frankly it can’t get worse. 

“Alright- I know I’m more than famous enough for both of you to know who I am and that I’m a recovering alcoholic. Stop trying to offer my wine, its ignorant. Neither Stephen nor I are the woman in our relationship, that’s the fucking point. Neither of us even fit traditional gender roles anyways and if this is some weird, coded way to ask about our sex life neither of us fit the ‘top’ or ‘bottom’ stereotypes either and its fucking boring to stick to one or the other. Also what the hell would it have mattered if I really was Christine? The fuck does my junk or gender have to do with you? You have a lovely home, but its too bad such shit people live in it. Except you, you seem like you’d be fun a a bachelor party,” he says to Stephen’s grandmother.

She grins at Stephen while his parents sit dumbfounded, “I like him, he’s spunky!” she says. Yeah, because apparently the woman who’s two days older than the damn earth itself is more openminded than people half her age.

*

By the time Tony gets home Stephen is howling with laughter. “I can’t believe you started quoting studies at them,” he says, shaking his head.

“Its not my fault they’re idiots, someone had to tell them they’re wrong and also I have an eidetic memory. Figured I’d put it to good use,” he says.

Stephen shakes his head, “well, at least you made that marginally less painful and gran likes you so there’s that. And she’s not easy to impress- she didn’t like actual Christine.”

Tony smiles, “she knew you weren’t going to last or at least that’s what she told me. And also she’s still convinced Christine is a lesbian even though I’m pretty sure she’s bisexual. But she seems to think we’re good together and she’s also completely convinced your father isn’t actually your father. She’s certain your mother cheated on him at some point but given the fact that she’s Asian and the guy she thinks is your actual father is white it’d be basically impossible to tell. Which is how she explains how fucking tall you are.” Turns out the woman, despite her age, is quite spry and has a lot of opinions that she’d been happy to share with Tony. But her conspiracies on Stephen’s parentage were his favorite and, to humor the woman, he agreed to run a DNA test to confirm or deny who Stephen’s father is.

Stephen lets out a long, drawn out sigh that indicates he’s heard this before. “I’ve told her a million times there is no way more than one person would be willing to sleep with my mother. I’m shocked one person was willing to sleep with my mother and if it weren’t for the pictures I’d assume I’d been kidnapped as a child.”

“Yeah, but apparently your actual father is a very tall Scandinavian man and I think your grandmother is on to something. I looked up the average height in Nepal and you’re a literal foot taller than that. You’d be a giant there,” he says.

“And if we’re going by the average height in Italy, you’d be a woman,” Stephen says, giving Tony an irritated look.

“Rude,” Tony mumbles.

*

Stephen settles an arm around Tony’s waist, “I think maybe we should have waited until she died to get married,” he says, eyeing his grandmother talking to Peter.

“I’ve always wanted a grandson that isn’t a massive prick, you seem like a lovely young man,” she says, grinning happily.

Tony looks up at Stephen, who is indeed his father’s child, “your grandma gives off chaotic trickster vibes, I’m half convinced she’s immortal.” 

Stephen sighs, “you probably aren’t aren’t wrong,” he says.

“I don’t think Stephen is that bad,” Peter says in Stephen’s defense not that it works out in his favor given his grandma’s reaction.

“Honey I’m old, but my senses are still working just fine. He’s an arrogant little shit,” she says. Tony doesn’t think he’s ever seen a grandmother swear that much but when he met all her spunky granny friends last week he’d been subjected to a bunch of sex jokes and talk of dildos so he’s not really surprised anymore. Even if he genuinely had no clue that grandmothers made sex jokes.

“I think I’ve earned my arrogance,” Stephen mumbles, coming to his own defense.

“That doesn’t explain why you’ve been like this your whole life. Take some lessons from Peter, he’s humble,” she tells him and Tony snorts and starts laughing. 

“Our wedding is gunna be awesome,” he says.

[aikainkauna]

Fic mehm

This was shortish, so might as well post it here. Snurched from the lovely @trelobita .

-What is your total word count on AO3?

-1 421 808. That little?!? I thought I would've gone past the 2 million mark a long time ago. What with Connie whipping me on the way he does.

-How often do you write?

-When the right mood/inspiration comes, and when I'm healthy enough (both mentally and physically) to be in writing condition. Which is not often enough; I hate it when I do want to write, but brain fog and/or physical fatigue mean I can't keep my brain going or my body upright. That's mostly for fiction, though. I can type bloggity waffle like this, and could just about proofread a sex toy review today despite it being a brainfog/tireded day. The deadline for the review was today, so I did it under duress and must've left something out or fucked up some grammar as consequence. Finnish conjugations are hell when your memory is shot to pieces; English is much easier to write because you don't have to remember how to conjugate a word to denote it's in the past tense for a plural with a conditional towards place A, signifying inclusion. No, I'm not joking. Sauvallanikinkos? ("Also with my wand, too, maybe?")

-Do you have a routine for writing?

-My body isn't good with routines and schedules, so no. The only pattern I have is to try and get 1000 words done at least and then to email myself the latest draft after I've finished writing.

-What are your favourite tropes?

-Have you got a month? (This question foolishly asked about your favourite kinks and tropes and pairing types all in the same question, BTW, so I split it up into three questions, because... c'mon.)

Tropes:

-Flawed characters who are still somehow understandable and appealing; not the typical Asshole Protagonist or antihero thing so much but more of an... well, I guess it's just good characterisation I prefer, in the end. Not that kind of squickily obvious macho power fantasy sold as "grittiness" just for the sake of being an asshole (funnily enough, that kind of crap usually comes from the kinds of people who have too much privilege in the first place). So, yeah, good characterisation that's still got some shreds of humanity left is my jam.

-Telepathic lovers. Exactly because it hurts so much when the person who's supposed to love you the most and to understand you the best doesn't, and vice versa. So that's a big RL trauma and squick I prefer to fix, because in fic, I CAN.

-That's a major one, actually. Fix-its not so much on a plot level but on a human level. Especially sexism/gender bullshit-breaking fixes. Fix-its get a bad rap, but that kind of thing, just like the bashing of romance and fanfic, sets off my "ah, this wouldn't be the devaluing of something considered empathic and female/feminine again, now would it?" alarms.

-This overlaps with the pairing thingy, but the Depraved Bisexual is my favourite character type to write. All the Connies, Tennant!Peter Vincent, Captain Renault, Zainab, Laura, etc... YES.

-Male character gives up some masculine privilege he doesn't fancy anyway for the sake of love and empathy/female character gives up stereotypical female things she doesn't fancy anyway in order to be herself and free herself as much as she can from society's chains. Give Torsten all the pwetty dwezzez he wants and for Falcon!Yassamin to remain childfree, dammit!

-Man cuddles and medicates woman during her period and actually empathises/feels how awful it is. As I was saying about the fix-its...

-Funny banter, even if I can't write it as hilariously as I'd want to.

Favourite kinks?

-Poetic prose and Romanticism. It's word porn or nothing, baby.

-Historical detail, accuracy preferred but depends on how the story wants to go (the Barmakids DON'T get butchered horribly by Harun al-Rashid in 803, TYVM).

-Anal! That's almost too obvious to mention.

-Androgynous, genderbending, sex-bending, femme men. Why do you think Connie is the love of my life?

-Lots of arousal-drippage.

-Some way for the bottom to see themselves being banged. Mirrors or telepathy or magic or video camera projecting it before their eyes or whatever. Unfff.

-Orgasms. Always orgasms to complete satisfaction. Orgasm denying or writing it badly or so vaguely that characters/readers can't get any catharsis/release for the arousal is a huge squick. That's a hard limit. Fuck characters who tease and don't let someone get off.

-Psychological/emotional depth. That's such a no-brainer it shouldn't even be necessary to mention (although in these days, it seems to be, because apparently wanting that is now a repressed sexual minority instead of normal human, especially female, sexuality. Oh, fuck off). Yeah, these memes do bring out the pet peeves about internalised misogyny, don't they? Especially the sort that manifests itself in sputter-inducing ignorance. Even my medieval characters and their somewhat dated and essentialist ideas of sex and gender are ahead of Tumblr in the very basics, FFS.

-BDSM that's based very much on extreme care and healing, the sort that uses the intense sexual activities/sensory overload as a kind of way to heal the sub's anxieties and to help the sub let go, achieve catharsis and release. And for the top's love to be the guiding, ravishing, then healing and comforting force that contains the sub and the sub's anxieties in a fiercely loving and protective way and absolutely, so that not a drop spills over. So, yep, BDSM as therapy is my kink in both RL and in fic. Not so much a desire to humiliate or to be humiliated, but on the contrary, to value and to honour the other half. The top finds strength and validation through being the healer, through their power being able to do something good (instead of tearing someone down and having power over them through that). Yes, I know that's not everyone's idea of BDSM, but it's mine and that's what you'll get if it's a healthy relationship I'm trying to portray. (The Barrings and Zainab and Fadl don't have the healthiest ideas of sex, anyhow; Jaffar/Pwinzezz usually do.)

And I'm leaving out so many. You only have to look at my Ao3 pages to see the recurring themes:p

Favourite pairing types?

-Experienced Depraved Bisexual Character/Less Experienced and/or Repressed Character, GIMMIE. Fucking love that shit.

-Similar: Older, More Experienced Man/Younger, Horny Woman.

-Horny couple, usually M/F, seduce someone into a threesome. The Rosesverse and Devilry are full of this, so might as well admit it.

-Do you have a favourite fic of yours?

-I do have a soft spot for the first two fics in the Falconverse. As if you didn't all know that already! They do have some noticeable flaws here and there, especially the first one (I still insist that weird lube choice was HIS and not mine; I do know better and yelled at him at the time), but they still contain my deepest and most profound writing both erotically (and I mean that in the widest sense of the word, encompassing all things Love) and spiritually and character-wise. Defy Not The Stars also turned out better than I expected, considering I had never attempted so much plot and a traditional historical romance novel before. But I guess that Roses, what with its length, has allowed me to explore more aspects of the characters and their lives than anything else I've written. And of course, considering Devilry is my most-read saga ever, I do have a soft spot for that pile-up of a car crash. If only for the sheer intensity of the ride; I was just thinking yesterday how it really was aghori sadhana done through writing. Meditating in a graveyard is for wimps; try spending months in Torsten Barring's fragrant boypussy.

-Your fic with the most kudos?

To no one's surprise, Because The World Belongs To The Devil, at 234 kudos.

-Anything you don��t like about your writing?

-I suck at pacing sometimes. The sex scenes tend to run overlong if I write them in several sessions instead of just one go. It's not that the characters want to try different sex acts and shag more than once during a night, but more that the tension is spread out unevenly ("JFC, why did they change position again? I want them to just fucking come already, damnit!") This is obviously a result of how many things *I* see in my mind's eye during a wank; it's always more of a clipshow of different sex acts and pairings and orientations than one straightforward scenario. I'll be more mindful of that in the future and have been watching out for it in the past few fics already; I don't think the shags in The Guardians of Samarkand overran, for example.

-And sometimes my kinks get too obvious and repetitive for me, too, the way any porn gets tedious and repetitive. But on the other hand, I know very well that fanfic *is* about us imposing our kinks on our darlings, no matter how much we may go on about our dedication to characterisation and such. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: what's key is to get away with your kinks *but* in such a way that they can also engage the reader and that they become interesting and enjoyable not just for you, but for the readers, too. And you need good characterisation for that, and it's a really delicate balance to juggle your kinks and believable characterisation.

-Something you *do* like about your writing?

-I can write immersively and deeply and engage all the senses (sight, touch, scent...) in rich detail, as well as go deeply and profoundly into the emotions. And write some fucking hot porn ;) Those are the things I've had praise for, at least. Maybe my spiritual bits aren't as relatable or something, because people hardly ever remark on those (interestingly, my mum is the only one to have taken up those bits! But I skim over the sex scenes when I read the fics to her, so she only gets the gen). Or then it's the fact that most of the time it's Thief of Bagdad fic, and thus in an Islamic context, and most readers aren't familiar enough with, say, Sufism, to feel like they're qualified to comment without making arses out of themselves. But of course I like my spiritual bits; I'm an ex-religions major!

This had a taggity thing at the end, but I hate doing those because it always puts pressure on them even if you say they don't have to (come, now. The pressure is there, the moment you mention someone by name). I don't own the meme or you, so, as always: do what thou wilt.

[littlemissazure]

🍀 & 🐻 & 🌈

Mah Pet-teet! 💗💗💗

🍀: My fave thing about being LGBT? It’s nice to feel comfortable in your own skin by expressing it and be with people who can support you as they can relate with what you are, with your struggles and feelings. I never have had much connection with something that I identified as; like I’m of Polish descent, I think it’s pretty cool and I think Polish culture is fascinating to learn about but I never had the opportunity to celebrate being it, you know? No one in the family has strong ethnic pride and was treated as NOT A BIG DEAL and as much as I wanted to get in touch with it, I guess it didn’t come so easily because I’d be the only one who wanted to truly feel like it’s something to celebrate. But maybe one of these days, I can make some traditional Polish dishes. :-)

But despite that, I can definitely celebrate being queer as I feel that it’s a core part of my identity. It’s easier for me to feel like I belong with it.

🐻: My favorite animal? Ooh. Birds are probably my first pick, but I also like dogs, bears, rays, and fireflies!

🌈: Orientation and gender? Here I got some in depth rambling under the cut for you.

TL;DR: Pansexual, cisfemale.

I got it in my bio but I’m pretty well associated with being pansexual (because I acknowledge that there’s more than just the two kinds of men and women, and someone’s identity alone is not a nagging factor for my attraction and connection to them like it does with some other people. I usually describe my identity as:

“I like what I like”-sexual. It’s by far the easiest summary of explaining how I am to people. But GOD, IT IS FRUSTRATING SOMETIMES, because people always follow up with questions like “Does this mean that you’re open to fuck anything? Like animals, children, inanimate objects, and *insert transphobic comment here*?” I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT. JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT AS ONE-TRACK-MINDED WITH SEXUAL ATTRACTION LIKE YOU ARE DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T HAVE A STEADY MORAL COMPASS WHO UNDERSTANDS AND HAS CORE PRINCIPLES ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS, LEGALLY, MORALLY, AND HEALTH WISE, ABOUT GETTING OFF TO EVERYTHING. There’s better alternatives to having orgasms that isn’t illegal and/or jeopardizing the health and well-being of others. 

Goddamn, I’m not even that crazy about sex, anyway. I’ve had a weird history with it, because I haven’t had it in the way people normally do. Besides, It’s not like I can’t just fucking get off myself when I need to. Oh wait, yes, I can!

But the problem with the label is that some people have different definitions in their head with what it is; some think that the label was made up just for “progressivism points”, a “trendier version of bisexuality”, etc. And conversely, people who do support it think that it means that you’re attracted to “(cis)men, (cis)women, gender nonconforming people, and trans people” (which puts trans people into a different category than cis people in this context, which, to me, implicates that you don’t 100% believe in who they say that they are, and it contradicts prior statements about being supportive because you’re invalidating who they say that they are by doing that. So I don’t like that definition of pansexuality, seems like it’s taking one step back in that sense, you know what I mean? That’s my opinion, anyway.

But then again, people has always had an issue with orientations outside of heterosexuality. So when people just write it off as “fake” or “delusional”, I can’t really agree with them because they sound like they’re recycling the things that have always been said about LGBT+.

Like fuck, dude. There’s some labels on here that I don’t even understand myself. I won’t deny that there are some eccentrics on here who seem to really wanna be different just for the sake of being different, you know? Yeah, NGL, I’ve made a little fun of how incredulous some of these Tumblr biographies are, but I’m not gonna go out of my way to point it out to them. Ultimately, I cannot control how they feel about their identity and they are the only ones who can truly figure out who they are, and if they’re not being disgusting demons or obnoxious assholes about it, I normally don’t bat an eye at them. Just close the page and continue my daily scrolling of content. I don’t have to understand or even be a part of all the nuances of a concept like sexual orientation just to support them or at least, be indifferent to it. 

I realize that there’s people in my life who don’t understand the concept of being pan, so I describe it my sexuality like it’s an ice cream bar, which seems to help them understand me and others better:

Out of all the selections to pick from, some like one popular flavor and stick with that one their whole lives. Some like a different popular flavor and stick with that their whole lives. Some like to go with both flavors, some like more than two. Some are lactose intolerant, and prefer a flavor or two without the dairy.

Me? It’s whatever I’m in the mood for. I’m a pretty consistent person but occasionally, something comes along that I might really wanna try because I feel like I might like it.

I know that this can construed as “experimental”, and to an extent, it is because I don’t have much sexual history to be able to ascertain if a pair of gentials on someone does it for me but? I deep down feel more indifferent to it than others. Like, if I feel attraction and chemistry happen with  someone, I know that those feelings will override what they identify as; orientation and sex/gender wise. I can say that with confidence. 

But I also say that I’m queer (or “pretty fuckin’ queer), because the definition of the sexual orientation seems to not have a clear-cut idea of what it is (like being gay or straight does). I do acknowledge that some people in the community do not like using the word because its history of being a slur, and really, that’s their prerogative whether or not they choose to acknowledge as either a slur, an umbrella term of an unconventional identity (which is something I use for my orientation as the word applies to either orientation or gender identity, it doesn’t have to be both to be applicable), another innocuous word for "not heterosexual”, and use it how they say fit. I’m still gonna use the word and use it in a positive or neutral context for myself. And yeah, even my confidence of the label I continue to choose to use still makes me doubt sometimes if that’s what I really am, but I sure as hell am not gonna let others tell me that I don’t really know what I feel as if they know me better than I do with myself. Fuck that. 

I’M FUCKING QUEER AND LIKES WHO I LIKES.  

[lesmotsincompris]

Thoughts on GoT S07E02

This time I avoided reading other people’s opinions on the episode until I could watch it for myself. I wanted to see which flaws I would notice on my own and which would be more of a ‘fridge logic’ type of thing. So sorry if I’m gonna sound repetitive.

I actually tried to watch the episode live last night, but Brazilian HBO Go crashed for the second Sunday in a row. I can’t help but laugh, this is the one time of the year when most people actually care about HBO and they screw it.

So, the episode. I feel it had higher highers and lower lowers? But it still navigates ‘meh’ waters for the most part. My thoughts on it:

Dragonstone

Dany saying Dragonstone doesn’t feel like home is an interesting concept: how much Westeros is Dany’s home? If not Westeros, then where? What will book!Dany feel when she arrives? What is home, anyway? All great questions, so we know the show won’t explore them.

It’s great to see Daenerys calling Varys on his bullshit, but this should have happened two seasons ago when he first arrived in Meereen, not now that he took care of her city while she was gone and they had a fun cruise together. And again show!Dany basically shrugs away the fact that Varys tried to kill her! Why? What is he bringing to #TeamTargaryen anyway?

See, this is what happens when you cut a character or subplot without thinking of the consequences. Varys’ motivations earlier in the show make sense for a Varys that champions his perfect prince Aegon for the Iron Throne. They cut Aegon, but forgot to adjust Varys’ motivations accordingly and now are having to fix it.

But wait, there’s more! While book!Dany has many qualities that I admire and that can make her a great queen, I don’t feel comfortable backing her claim for the Iron Throne just yet. Just like Stannis had to learn to ‘save the kingdom to win the throne’ and not the other way around, Dany still has to deconstruct the ‘usurper’ narrative and understand why people in Westeros didn’t want the Targaryens anymore. Book!Dany hasn’t done this yet, but neither has show!Dany. On the contrary, the show goes out of its way to emphasize the ‘conquest’ aspect of Dany’s coming to Westeros, with her being a little more pyromaniac than I would like. What makes Varys think she’ll be a better ruler than her father? What makes any of her allies think that?

After careful consideration, Dany decides for starvation instead of burning. A true champion of the people! Yaaahhhs queen! Because that won’t get the innocent killed, I’m sure.

Show!Tyrion is a character I can’t stand anymore. All he does is mansplain things to Daenerys like she was some silly child and play the Reasonable Man™ to murder-happy Strong Female Characters™ Yara, Ellaria, and Olenna. Why is he on #TeamTargaryen? What does he add to the group or Daenerys’ cause? And I’m not even gonna comment on the idiocy of storming Casterly Rock by sea, but hey, this comes from the writers that think you can go around Moat Cailin. Someone should paint a map of Westeros in the writer’s room, just saying.

Olenna is another character I’ll be happy to see gone. What’s with ‘they won’t obey you unless they fear you’? Has she attended the Cersei Lannister School of Leadership too? And what is ‘be a dragon’ even supposed to mean?

Hey, at least Yara expressed her own thoughts this time instead of letting Theon do it. Progress, I guess.

Melisandre took a flight from Plot Airlines and arrived in Dragonstone just to deliver exposition on a prophecy. I love when the writers sudden remember they should have seeded certain things ages ago and expect we won’t notice if they shoehorn it now. Also why is Melisandre so convinced that Dany is hot shit? Because she has a fancy hair and dragons? On the plus side, we got Missandei translating things and that’s always welcome.

Speaking of Missandei, the scene between her and Greyworm was really sweet, if a bit too long. I think this scene worked so well because those two are the only characters in this show that I like with no reservations; everybody else is a jerk to some degree and I can’t bring myself to root for them. Great acting from Jacob Anderson, he did in one scene more than Kit Harrignton and Emilia Clarke do in a whole season. My complaints are Missandei’s lack of underwear (in winter? Really?) and the forced accents.

King’s Landing

Cersei has a point: what reasons do the nobles of Westeros have to believe that Dany won’t be like Aerys? On the other hand, you know who’s also like Aerys? Cersei ‘let’s burn the sept with everyone inside’ Lannister! Ugh, this show.

‘She has three fully grown dragons, my grace’ and Gilly still has a tiny baby, so dragons grow extra fast in this show.

‘It’s a long ride back to the reach’, says Randyll. Yeah, but if you leave now you can be there before the episode is over.

Qyburn follows the Essos Daily twitter account, so he knows details of the fight in Meereen. He also just watched The Hobbit and wants to do a Bard-on-Smaug to Dany’s dragons.

Oldtown

I barely care about book!Jorah, but I certainly don’t care about show!Jorah. He outlived whatever purpose he had in the narrative, I hate how his feelings for Dany are framed as romantic and I hate how the show simply forgot the reason why Jorah was banned from Westeros in first place. Yes, he is dead for his family, for the minor misdemeanor of SELLING PEOPLE FFS. Jorah is an unrepentant slaver and a creepy crush won’t suddenly make him a sympathetic character, quite the opposite.

Jorah’s greyscale moved at the speed of plot, but fortunately didn’t affect his face so that Dany can still love Iain Glen’s looks. I’m glad Dany x Jon are an obvious romantic endgame for the show, because otherwise D&D might actually pair Dany and Jorah.

Last week we had poop montage, this week we have an overly long scene of Sam removing Jorah’s skin. This is what makes bold television and mature entertainment, I guess.

By the way, isn’t greyscale supposed to be on your blood or something? It isn’t exactly a skin condition that can be cured by just removing the skin, or I’m sure other people would have tried it before. This treatment makes no sense, but when has that ever stopped the writers?

Winterhell

Sam’s raven arrived in Winterfell ridiculously fast, but it almost seems too slow compared to Dany’s raven. And I’m guessing nobody at the Wall bothered sending a raven saying that Bran is alive and well and coming their way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Of course Sansa thinks Tyrion is the best. Who doesn’t think Tyrion is the best? He didn’t rape her, isn’t that the nicest thing a man can do for you? Ugh.

Again the writers’ choice to create conflict between the Stark siblings is to skip pre-meeting and make them argue in front of everyone. Again Sansa and Jon disagree because the plot needs them to disagree. Again the crowd cheers whoever is speaking.

Jon didn’t want to be king, he says. He just accepted it, he says. I can’t explain how much I hate this trope. Bad writers everywhere seem to believe that a good leader is the guy that doesn’t want to be a leader, because ambition is evil so a guy that wants to be leader must be evil. This is all levels of stupid and there’s no faster way to make sure somebody will do a lousy job than forcing them to do a job they don’t want to do.

We’ve moved on from trashing Stannis post-death to trashing Catelyn post-death. Ugh.

Somewhere in the Riverlands

Arya’s meeting with Hot Pie was weird. Hot Pie’s presence feels more like an easter egg than two old friends seeing each other after a long time. Maisie Williams is usually a great actor, but she’s been acting quite stiff this season. Maybe it’s D&D’s tradition of thinking that Strong Female Characters™ show no emotions?

Arya ‘heard’ Cersei is queen, but when she left Westeros Cersei was also queen, so...? It seems everybody gets their news super fast except for Arya. Maybe the cell phone signal at the Riverlands isn’t very good? Okay that Arya doesn’t know the Starks rule Winterfell again, but why didn’t she tried to go to the Wall as soon as she arrived in Westeros?

I hate that this is called ‘Battle of the Bastards’ in universe. It’s a stupid name on its own, but makes even less sense from a watsonian perspective. To call it ‘Battle of the Bastards’ is to make this a personal fight between Jon and Ramsay, but that’s not what it was. It was a battle for Winterfell and the North, a battle between Starks and Boltons even. Jon and Ramsay haven’t even met before that.

Nymeria showed up to announce that the show is officially cutting their husky-in-a-direwolf-body CGI budget. That scene felt super contrived and just made me angry at the writers. In the books we know Arya and Nymeria will meet again, and we know their connection is still strong, because Martin had been foreshadowing this for ages. In the show we never heard of Nymeria after season 1 and now she just showed up to say she won’t show up anymore.

Somewhere in the sea

I think the show reached a new level of racism, exotification and hypersexualization of PoC with “foreign invasion”. Good thing D&D won’t be showrunners for an upcoming tv show where the South won the Civil War. Can you imagine?

Yallaria didn’t live to its hype. Yara is bisexual, because of course a character that flirts with everyone is bisexual.

To whoever thought it would be a good idea to have the Sand Snakes as catty and childish murder-happy women: don’t.

The battle was confusing. Not only the lighting was terrible but also for the most part I couldn’t make sense of who was fighting for what side. Euron hired some Destruction mages from Skyrim so he could use Fireballs against the Sand Snakes. Maybe they’ll replace the dragonhorn with Odahviing?

It’s painfully obvious the showrunners want Euron to be scary, a Ramsay 2.0. and Joffrey 3.0. He even has a mustache to twirl! That’s only because they clearly can’t write a story without an obvious and defined human villain, who must be MOAR EVUHL than his predecessors. I won’t be surprised if we see Euron spitting on puppies and peeing on flowers. Sigh… This is just ridiculous.

Book!Euron is scary, but because we have subtle hints of his monstrosity. He’s a human villain, the last great human villain of ASOIAF, but he stitches the magical and the political arcs together. Show!Euron is just the same edginess and sadism we’ve seen before with other overused villains, now with a really silly appearance.

The plot needs Theon’s trauma to exist again, so Theon’s trauma exists again. I’m all for exploring PTSD and traumatic experiences on fiction, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore the trauma until it’s convenient for the plot or scream it away like Yara did last season.

I’m sure no misogyny will come from Euron having Yara and Ellaria captive. 

Extra comments

After months of studying, I think I finally figured the laws of succession in D&D’s Westeros: whoever is the closest named character is automatically the heir. See: Cersei in King’s Landing, Ellaria in Dorne, Edd in the Night’s Watch...

What’s with the funny editing? You know the thing, they show something gross, then show food that looks a lot like the gross thing… Come on, guys, you’re not twelve.

(maybe they are? That would explain A LOT)

Once more they’re not even trying with the costumes and wigs. Sansa’s wig in particular is so bad it’s distracting.

What’s with the forced accents? Why every time a character is supposed to be ~foreign~ they go with a generic broken English accent? If you want a different accent than the main cast, make them use an American accent! Why not?

What happened to Stannis’ men? Was this ever, like, explained?

So that was it, another hour with stuff happening.

[loudlytransparenttrash]

I wasn’t prepared for this...

There’s plenty of weird and wacky things going on in America these days. The Apprentice guy is our president, BLM is rioting in defense of criminals and chanting for cops to be killed, SJW’s are rioting against democracy and feminists are walking around dressed as giant vaginas and calling themselves oppressed.

The left tries to normalize everything from Islamic terror to 400 genders but not even I could have imagined they would go low enough to try normalize child abuse. I mean, it’s bad enough that they’re forcing 5 year olds to carry “this pussy grabs back” signs and forced to say “which one of us will be raped next?”, “I shouldn’t need a penis to get paid” and “fuck the patriarchy”. But what’s worse is this whole gender issue that’s becoming out of control.

When people ask me what I think about trans people I give a pretty distinct answer. In general I have no issue of women transitioning into men and men transitioning into women but what I do have an issue with is normalizing children being forced to become transgender.

These two parents went on Buzzfeed in a video called “I Am A Gender Non-Conforming Parent” to brag about how awesome it is to force your child to live as a boy AND a girl because gender doesn’t mean anything, right guys? It’s pretty fucked up. In the video we have a mom… and a mom, raising their kid and essentially messing with them psychologically. “My understanding about gender is that ultimately it doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t give you the information about that person.”

In 1965, some kid named David Reimer was born and he was reassigned to become a girl and raised female at birth. He was given hormones, surgeries, etc and he was raised entirely female. For a long time David was fine and researchers and phycologists such as John Money took this as proof that gender identity was learned and not biological. But it ultimately turned out to be a failure after David stopped calling himself a girl aged 11 and transitioned back into being a guy aged 15 and began discouraging others from transitioning, after being depressed for years he killed himself. It’s the many cases like these that are swept under the rug by people who claim that there’s no difference between guys and girls and their behavior and identities are all just a social construct.

Raising your child as something they’re not, the child is going to grow up thinking they are something they’re not. Gender isn’t this amazingly complicated thing some people like to make it out to be. Already kids are being confused as hell because everybody is telling them to question their gender and change their gender, even when they’re just three and four years old.

The fact is, most children who experience gender dysphoria will not remain gender dysphoric after puberty. Most kids grow out of it. And the ones who don’t are usually confused by their homosexuality as most GID children turn out to be either gay or bisexual.

Children aren’t born with the cognitive capacities of your average adult, and before the age of 11, most children are simply unable to perform abstract reasoning or understand nuances when having a discussion. Instead, children below this age generally see things in either-or scenarios, and divide the world into dichotomies of “wanted or unwanted.” So when a parent asks a little girl if she wants to be a boy, the little girl probably thinks, yeah sure I want to play in mud and wrestle people so their mom excitedly posts on facebook that she’s a cool mom with a cool transgender kid and books the next appointment to see a therapist to begin the transition process.

How about we let the kid grow up first before we start pumping them with hormones or blocking their hormones, it’s really not that hard to stop yourself from abusing children. Anyway, back to talking about the crazies in this video:

“The person I am today was very much in line with a person that I was or longed to be when I was little. I was a tomboy, my best friends were primarily boys, I played with “boys” toys.”

I don’t know how many times I have to make this point. Liking things that aren’t traditionally for guys or for girls doesn’t make you a new gender. It means that you may not be traditionally masculine or feminine. If I like something that wasn’t traditionally female, it doesn’t mean I should turn myself into a guy or start calling myself genderfluid or whatever one of the 400 new genders I can pick from. What makes these people think that since they have some non-traditional gender trait (which is fine by the way) they have to change their entire gender, transition into a new one and enforce their kids to do the same? What the fuck is going on?

“People ask me, “do you have a boy or a girl?” Whatever that means, this person could be anybody.”

This is like saying it’s wrong for humans to call their babies human because many people identify as a non-human. Whether you’re pushing for children to be genderless and to stop conforming to oppressive gender roles or whether you want them to be known as non-human and stop conforming to oppressive human species roles, first you must throw out everything we know about biology, endocrinology, neuroscience and any last piece of common-sense that you have left - which is something most people just ain’t willing to do.

“It’s real funny because our son is super into sports, like maybe he was like an Olympic athlete in his past-life, like he’s come with all of these sporting talents that were like visible at seventeen months.”

Yes, it’s so funny and weird that your male son is super into sports and is naturally talented at sports even though you’re raising him as a total genderless child. Totally shocked! Who would have thought! … These people like to contradict themselves. First they call their “genderless” child a boy and then they talk proudly about him being a traditional male. This entirely goes against the non-binary, agender narrative. She’s telling us that the kid is just a typical boy but she’s trying to queer him up not because it’s what he wants but it’s what she wants to make herself feel better, so why not mess with him right? It’s like those fat dance moms and beauty pageant moms who force their 3-year old daughter into dancing on stage and wearing wigs and make-up and the mom is stood up in the middle of the audience desperately encouraging and reciting their kid’s choreography and routine while the kid is dying on the inside as everyone watches on, all because the mom wants to live her own fantasy through a toddler.

“I’m constantly trying to like queer up my relationship with him and get him to wear tutus and he hates it, he’s just like NO!”

They laugh at this. They think they’re doing a noble feminist deed by forcing their son to dress and act like a girl, even when they themselves admit that he hates being dressed up in feminine clothes and begs them to stop, they just laugh it off and continue to force it onto him. He’s too young to understand the importance of dressing like a girl but he’s old enough to tell doctors he wants hormone treatment, right? Am I the only one who’s noticing how fucked up this is? What’s the difference between this and forcing a little girl to wear dresses instead of jeans? They go mental when it’s reversed but when they enforce their own version of genderless roles on children, it gets turned into a cool empowering Buzzfeed video to inspire others to do the same.

”He’s taking in like kid media and he has a book that is like just pictures and words but it also has like a picture of a girl and there’s a picture of a boy and but I’m just like child - child. This is where he starts learning like what things are and so I hate the idea that he’s getting imprinted on him what people look like.”

Oh shit, he’s being introduced to reality? Oh fuck, learning about biology is going to cause some problems. I mean, it goes back to what I was saying earlier, getting pissed that a children’s book shows a boy and a girl and calls them a boy and a girl would be the same as a human non-conforming parent getting pissed that there’s a book with human children being called human. I’m so sorry science isn’t changing just because parts of it goes against your fantasy. A woman is a woman, a man is a man, a human is a human. If YOU don’t identify with these, that’s fine, you have my sympathy, but leave children out of it and stop trying to force the world to play along. I can’t believe that saying something as realistic and obvious as “don’t abuse and lie to your children” is now controversial.

“Everybody needs to be reconsidering the way that they’re presenting genders to their kids.”

No. They don’t. This goes to show just how closed-minded these people are for thinking they have the moral high ground to tell every parent out there to join their genderless utopia where everyone pretends to be equal and abide by their oppression rankings and rules and if they don’t, well they’re just bigoted assholes. Why does the word “cult” continue to spring to mind whenever I start talking about their ideology? Maybe it’s for good reason…

[lorainelaneyblog]

‘They stole my pate, my eye glasses, and my sound card, and left six hundred dollars in my wallet.’

‘The sound card was broke anyway. You should never let a gangster play with your electronics. And I’m sorry about the eye glasses, she was blind, [ ], blind, and we knew it because we tried them on with their flippy handles, and, though we felt bad, felt obligated to keep them in order to see if she called, as was the Italian tradition we had heard about, but we were French. I was an exotic dancer, thin, [ ], and she loved me, she loved me, it was always in her eyes, and she would say, over and over again, 'I think you look better like this, because you were too thin. She even said, ‘You’re hotter now.’

‘”I am a pimp," he wants to say, says 50 Cent. 

‘I’m incorrigible, and then I abandon them, I’m kidding, Loraine, I’m kidding, Loraine. Go on, please.’

‘He has erectile dysfunction, but he made love to me once.’

‘Fuck you, Loraine, fuck you, Loraine, fuck you, Loraine.

He continues. ‘And, I had to admit, I was--’

‘With the plaid minis again,’ says her [ ].

‘--too dominant for dancing. And she said it first, she said it. I banged one man and thought I should fag out. Fag out totally, but I was so popular with women, I was too busy getting laid all the time. My dick, my precious penis, because I am funny--.’

‘You mentioned that, in your mind,’ [ ] says.

‘Funny.’

‘He is.’

‘Why?’

‘He talks French the whole time.’

‘With [ ]?’

‘Right. And only turns to stroke me or make some type of come on, he says “I’m young,” though he is in his late thirties, and he has erectile dysfunction.’

‘As I was saying, when I got tired, driving, I’m a driver, I would take speed, and got caught, and she said, “Oh, I guess you were tired.”’

‘I laughed inside myself, I did, because I knew she didn’t care because she believed in drugs and driving.’

‘Welbutrin rage.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Road rage. I threw an ashtray at the wall, and was in the car giving the finger to people.’

‘[ ] laughs again. You’re incorrigible.’

‘Yeah,’ says 50 Cent, sardonically. These, the sex life is a drag, [ ], but her life was/is colourful. I’d like to be a part of that but--’

‘But?’

‘Ha ha.’

‘What? Are you getting my sister or not, because I am perfectly situated to kill you. Three.’

‘Fourteen. And a woman. War is hell, Loraine.’

‘Does she advocate it or what, for her tough men?’

‘She knows they must stand up to men, but I always made more headway with bisexuality.’

‘[ ] laughs again. "Funny, 50. You are funny. I will say that I have been listening to you and I will say you are the funniest fuck since my sister and you two deserve each other, in all the best ways. Sorry about the money comment, I could hardly formulate a sentence, you were so gracious. You were saying.’

‘I wasn’t crying over that, I was crying over the money.’

‘Oh.’

‘It just sucks when you are poor and everyone knows you are doing drugs.’

‘True,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Exactly, Loraine,’ says God. ‘This is not a myopic (look it up), it’s a report. Neil was right--.’

‘Don’t you find God so interesting?’

‘She has sex with me, she will again, I feel sure.’

‘God making his move.’

‘You have the sense he will wait for ever and yet somehow you think you must be wrong.’

‘Funny, Loraine. [ ] is killing himself.’

‘You too are like Abbott and Costello.’

‘We would rather be dick and vagina.’

‘Seen. Seen. Sorry, 50.’

‘We hate it, but God is and Loraine is afraid of nothingness, as am I. I have asked, Loraine, and God says that you are afraid you will never hear from me. You are, he says. It’s true.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh I see, because--’

‘They had filters there, and people liked that.’

‘Because, I think you mean cartridges, that’s what they’re called. High end pens are heavy, for style, but bad for writing and Zebra, the pen my sister is bragging about, became famous fast for a sleek pen with lots of available cartridges, and no design changes.’

‘I bought four.’

‘Packs?’

‘Two packs.’

‘Still using them?’

‘But why though?’

‘You’re not using it enough dummy, wait, save your cartridges, the police didn’t steal those--’

‘We liked that she had Zebra, and we knew that [ ] was stealing her pens because she could never find a pen, and she suspected him for picking them  up and not returning them, yes, she did, yes, she did, yes, she did.’

‘How did you know?’

‘We saw, with infrared cameras, she would be hunting, and he would have taken one. Yes, we did. Yes, we did. Yes, we did.’

‘Ok. This is why I correct the children. I hope it will stick and they will be, I thought smarter, but now I realize--.’

‘Ah. Proper English and a brother sister moment.’

‘Fuck it.’

‘Yeah’ they both agree. ‘Brother. No names though, people worry with your prolific material, but so far so good.’

‘She mentioned me once,’ says Nikki. ‘I was supposed to be Whitney or something.’

‘Scary. Blogs. Too fast.’

‘K,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Music is too fast too. You don’t realize it but music moves at a lightening pace, yes, collaborative minds with nothing to stop each ego and--’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘--money.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You liked that song with Alicia Keys? Do you remember it?’

‘Party people, 50. And something positive about a new day.’

‘Right, you forget lyrics. She forgets, Alicia Keys, she has brain damage.’

‘Your ether little girlfriend that you wax on about?’

‘Her. I’m 50′s She, annoyed me, Loraine. As did 5 Minutes With 50.’

‘Why did that annoy you?’

‘I thought you were insulting me, though God assured me otherwise. As did Third Wife, the anthem had a--.’

‘No. If I Had To Live Without Fifty.’

‘Oh fuck. I hated you, Loraine, for thinking I was too weak to gang bang. Weird. Now, who’s the baby?’

‘I had no idea.’

‘Funny. She gets me, cracks me, breaks me open, and is a paramour like no tomorrow. I’m not surprised she had over a hundred clients, not at all. My little girl did. We counted one time in a month and a half. I thought six weeks, that is why I’m smart, because I notice trends too. And Vitamin Water is mine, [ ], but I sold it to the makers of Monster Energy Drink because they made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. And I have climbed. I’m prolific.’

‘He brags in new and wonderful ways.’

‘I see.’ Giggling. ‘Okay, okay, mercy.’

‘Beg For Mercy is an album cover. Am I going to pick up your sister? I am 50 Cent. She had some fucking nerve turning me on my head with a few choice phrases. She made me cry for a month, a month, a month of weeping from big, old, 50 Cent, womanizer, pimp, killer, fag.’

‘Oh, I see. I had no idea your self opinion had sunk so low.’

‘Not in the army. On civvy street. And in the hood. I killed a girl who stabbed a line up man, the last man, and then got raped to death for her trouble.’

‘Was he--?’

‘No.’

‘Oh, I see. I had no idea.’

‘When you said, “That’s what God was preparing me for.”’?

‘The numbers of dead and wounded.’

‘Ha ha ha, according to your book.’

‘Loraine is bored. Loraine is tired. Loraine needs beer. She needs my dick in her mouth. No, she doesn’t mind. She misses my antics.’

‘[ ] said she will do anthing for me, is all,’ says Eminem. I said “Why?” She said, “Because,” and I quote, “she is the real, true, whore. I read her book Eminem, people are inflammatory like that, but—.’

‘It is closing down, Loraine. It’s old C++ . There’s a new C++, which activates forms like crazy which means that you can interact constantly with software all the time. That is what keeps saving your passwords.’

‘I thought it was cookies or something.’

‘Why does everyone, to a last man, say “cookies” weirdly?’

‘Because it’s so funny.’

‘Oh, I see. Whatever. Forms. Suffice to say. Yes, surveys. You noticed the element?’

‘Yes, I thought it related to cookies but Dreamweaver had forms.’

‘It did,’ says [ ] [ ]. ‘It times out so quickly. I felt bad.’

‘Thank you, but don’t. I loved it. All of it.’

‘Web design?’

‘Software.’

‘Not html?’

‘doesn’t know Dreamweaver. Not half and half, eh wot, Loraine?’

‘No, not all all.’

‘Oh.’

‘All front end.’

‘”End user,” it’s called.’

‘We’re computer illiterate.’

‘Do you remember coming on when I would tell you to?’ asks 50 Cent. ‘And why did you stop two hours before midnight?’

‘Well, my body was perfect, I was exhausted.’

Laughs. ‘Oh, right.’

‘Thigh highs.’

‘Of course. White?’

‘Natural.’

‘Eminem is killing himself. She figured that out. Yes, she did, yes, she did, yes, she did, my baby.’

‘How are you beasts going to share my sister?’

‘No. He musn’t, Loraine, doesn’t he realize how soft we all are to our women. [ ] is a center polygamist, Loraine.’

‘Oohhh. They also stole my razors.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Boo hoo.’

‘Why is he so great with his no hard on? I had the sense, well, it was explicitly stated, that he wouldn’t commit by a self gesture accompanied by, “I’m young!”

‘Oh, funny.’

‘Did you ask?’

‘I said, “Don’t fall in love with me. I’m in love with someone else.”’

‘I regret not asking who to this day, because we coulda laughed, yes, I’m a gangster.’

‘My sister’s a girl gangster, she is.’

‘She is, [ ], I was as-ton-ished by what I heard, start to finish, but now, I’m bored, may I retire?’

‘Sure. Get her though. It’s so cute, two slutty hearts beating as one.’

‘LOL.’ (Me.)

‘I wanted to tell that [ ] thought you were a lovely girl, and the hottest thing since sliced bread, even though she had “a big nose, ugly even,” he said.

‘When she had that nose job, people couldn’t believe what they were seeing, and she as a poem about cosmetic surgery,’ continues the drummer, ‘in which she writes: “gives you the chance to be the person you’ll never be.”

‘People are studying her in school, [ ]!’ he says. “in Vancouver, you don’t know this, Loraine, excuse me, you two lovebirds:’

‘”No,” she’s whining. “I don’t want to go home afterwards.” in deference to thirty thousand dollars. She was a dreamy child, one guy got into trouble for talking to her at the shoreline.’

‘Enough, enough, stop. Honestly, we are barfing over this. [ ] wants to know if you are gross with assholes.’

‘In theory.’

‘Oh, I see. You’ve bum fucked though?’

‘ie. them. Yeah, a lot, with the gloves.’

‘Are you good?’

‘Yes, I’m good.’

‘I let [ ] do that a little and I protest because she is too forceful. Are you gentle?’

‘She’s a pussy cat. We’re going to kill her.’

‘Okay. Soft, gentle, highly erotic, I was just checking.’

‘She’s good. She licks like a pro.’

‘I’ve heard that around, joking. “She did well in prostitution,” our [ ] said, in front of [ ] and [ ], incidentally, who replied, “Good for her.” He said, “Yeah, I didn’t think she could do it, but she did it. Yup. She did alright. She has kept the wolf from the door for thirteen years now, on her back. Well done, Loraine, and, by this time, he is laughing. And then he says, “And [ ] was a denier,” I did not think he knew such a word. “But she came around when she saw Loraine was better off, calmer, less depressive and morose.”’

‘I have to admit it, it’s actually true,’ she said. ‘I did, Lane. I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy but I thought--goes to her God--that you were egomaniacal for these men until I read your poems. You only hit on Lloyd, in your letters, etherwise, you suggest he has a friend for you. You didn’t slut on the ether to get him, as I thought. I thought you slutted in real life I mean, with whoever, and all your friends, and it bugged me. And I finally got the courage to read and your humility really helped me.’

Everyone is applauding.

‘Thank you.’

‘People would be disgusted by how many times she would compliment herselves in a twenty page journal, but then some realized, the intellectuals, we assume now, that she was just talking about herself, and, when they said so, people were embarrassed and [ ] was one, Loraine. You were in love and she was saying, she’s so stuck up, you’d never believe it, the way she looks at me sometimes, supercilious.’

‘Uncle,’ says 50 Cent.

[words-that-form-a-rainbow]

Pantomime, and the problem with (Hollywood) diversity

Title of book: Pantomime (Micah Grey, #1)

Author: Lam, Laura

Would I recommend: Yes

Synopsis (From goodreads.com): Gene's life resembles a debutante's dream. Yet she hides a secret that would see her shunned by the nobility. Gene is both male and female. Then she displays unwanted magical abilities - last seen in mysterious beings from an almost-forgotten age. Matters escalate further when her parents plan a devastating betrayal, so she flees home, dressed as a boy. The city beyond contains glowing glass relics from a lost civilization. They call to her, but she wants freedom not mysteries. So, reinvented as 'Micah Grey', Gene joins the circus. As an aerialist, she discovers the joy of flight - but the circus has a dark side. She's also plagued by visions foretelling danger. A storm is howling in from the past, but will she heed its roar? 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As if it wasn’t clear from the first two book reviews I’ve written on this site (Which you should totally go read and share, by the way), I tend to read books that include a lot of representation of all sorts, both LGBT+ and otherwise. And though I like to be optimistic the majority of the time, I am, as everyone should be, critical of them, because if the mainstream catches on to all this, would you rather them see some beautifully crafted, incredibly written prose about our struggles and lives, or that one gay sonic fanfiction you wrote when you were twelve? Yeah, me too.

But even if you are a lot more casual in your enjoyment of media (Which I wish I could be, at this point), it isn’t hard to notice to different levels of diversity certain minorities get over others. Now, I’m not trying to start any kind of war, because even the most represented groups are horribly outweighed by the straight whites of the West, but come on. There’s nothing wrong with effeminate gay men, or (Usually dead) lesbians, or sassy black women who say “Aw hell naw” like it’s the only thing keeping society as we know it afloat (Which isn’t wholly from the truth, actually), it can get a little tiring after a while, especially when you see another series or book written by someone who either a) has never actually met a gay person in their life, and/or b), is horribly fetishistic to a certain group and completely excludes literally anyone else, like those women who think gay men are their taboo sinners, yet find Sapphic women and trans folk predatory (They’re so gross).

And to be honest, I’m tired of it. And I know a lot of other people are, too.

And that is why I was (Very happily) surprised when I read Pantomime, the first of the Micah Grey trilogy, by Laura Lam. And do you know what it has? A queer main character who is neither gay nor perfectly attractive, and whose identity isn’t the only facet of their character! Oh boy, I felt like a kid in a sweet shop. And then I felt a kind of sadness, that we, as a community, were celebrating the fact that a character was, y’know, an actual character and not just a walking stereotype. This is the bar we’re setting for ourselves. This is the bar the mainstream has made us set.

And hell, I’ll shout from the rooftops with praise for any kind of media that raises it. Even if it’s by just a little.

So a big part of what I liked about Pantomime was the main character, Micah Grey (Also called Gene in some parts of the book, but as they almost exclusively choose to use Micah to refer to themselves, I’ll use that), who is, one of if not the first intersex character in a novel, or at least is certainly the only one I know about. Now a lot of you may be going, “Oh, gee, Scotty, I know all about them Ells and Gees and Bees, but what the hell is an intersex?” And that, is precisely the problem.

If I were to answer the question scientifically, an intersex person is one who is not born entirely male or female, biologically. They make up around one percent of the population, (Which is around 80 million people, and about twenty percent more people than the entire population of the UK, so don’t even dare try to tell me that it’s too small of a number to care about), are not the same as trans people (Which is all about gender identity), and yes, exist, either as having both sets of genitalia (Like Micah does), or any other mix, for example being born with XYX chromosomes, wrong amounts of hormones, etc…

But you don’t care about that, right? You wanted a book review, not a biology lesson. Fair enough. But my point is, this is the representation we need. An actual character, with unique identities and struggles and strengths that many people go through and can relate to. Because fuck political correctness, diversity within media just straight up makes it more interesting, as well as eliminates the feeling of many, many people feeling excluded from the little penthouse party Hollywood have got going on for any kind of shithead, as long as you’re cishet and white and can make a lot of money. Just fuck the rest of them, right?

Sorry, I just… the Harvery Weinstein thing happened this week, and though I’m not a huge film guy generally, I knew this guy was at the top of the food chain. And the fact that it happened for years… let’s just throw the whole Hollywood out, to be honest.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Back to Micah.

What I liked about the way Lam portrayed them is that she struck a nice balance between the aforementioned, “Let’s make their identity the only part of their personality/development,” and the even less accurate idea of them having no struggles with other people and, just as importantly, themselves. Throughout the book, they find themselves torn between their given identity of wholly female, and the identity they chose as male at the circus, which is where most of the story takes place. And although the main reason for them running away from the circus is to avoid corrective genital surgery (Which, yes, is a real thing, and also yes, is done on a lot of people without their consent, usually when they’re much younger than Micah), and even after their intersex identity is found out by some of the other characters, they still use the same name, they never directly state if they strictly identify as one or the other, (Bearing in mind this is only the first book of three, I’ve only just started reading the second), which is also why I choose to use they/them pronouns throughout this review.

It’s done well, really. Generally speaking, the more conflict and challenges the character faces at the beginning, the more satisfying the overcoming is at the end, and their feelings never felt out of place, or rushed. Good job, Lam.

The bisexuality of Micah is also an interesting talking point, particularly how it develops not only their sexuality but also their gender identity. Their first real love interest, Aenea, not only makes them realise their bisexuality, but also questions the masculinity within them, highlighting an interesting talking point about a subconscious idea in society that, even within the LGBT community and/or people who completely negate labels of gender altogether, we still conform to the traditional, heteronormative ideals we try to break away from. There’s always the question asked of who’s the man and woman in the relationship. There’s always the assumption that trans people are straight. One of the girls always has to wear a suit and a dress at the wedding. It’s stale, you know?

And while some people might criticise this arc for perpetuating that idea, I would argue more that it shows the way a lot of LGBT people do still think, subconsciously, including me, even though I, like many others, know the whole idea is stupid and archaic. It shows how ingrained heterosexuality and heteronormativity is in us, no matter who we are.

It also shows change in Micah - that their identity in every sense is constantly changing and evolving to fit new people and situations, that gender is a fluid sort of concept to them that isn’t really one hundred percent labelled by them, which can be and is what many people choose to be. And to be honest, that’s just plain nice to see in a queer character, since most stories begin at the point when the character has finished that kind of emotional journey, or play it off like they’ve known precisely who they were all along (Which is another ridiculous stereotype, by the way. Stop expecting kids to be able to figure that out by themselves, or even care about it. There are more important things to them, like getting hyper off of ridiculously sugary drinks and making sure they catch that Pikachu.)

I like it a lot, can you tell?

One criticism I have (Which isn’t really one, but more of a concerned prediction), is that it’s a particularly concise story, meaning, generally, it doesn’t leave a lot open. Yes, Micah is on the run from the police with a character called Drystan, (Who is a gay man who conveniently explains what being gay means, but he’s somehow made clowns seem a lot less scary to me so I’ll allow it), which is an intriguing enough continuation, but apart from that, there’s not a whole lot to go on. We haven’t had much development of any of the other places, every character we got to know is either dead, (Sorry Aenea, I did like you), vaguely left at some point in the novel, or is too minor to really give any kind of mention. I’m scared that Lam will either waste her time for a few hundred pages by treading water in the shallow end of the pool, or try to set up a whole new roster of characters while completely abandoning the old ones, essentially destroying the relationships and need for a lot of the interactions in the first book, (Which, if we’re going with the swimming pool analogy, would be like getting out of the water and jumping out of the nearest window into the Mariana’s Trench with bricks tied to her legs).

But we’ll just have to wait until I read it, won’t we. Hopefully not long, eh? (No, not long, is the correct answer. You can at least try to humour me, you know. You’ve read the whole review so you must like me a tiny bit. Tiny tiny bit? Maybe?

Hm… I hope she does do the second one, to be honest… or surprises me with some kind of magical third option, but I’ve learnt that you get brownie points on the internet if you’re constantly cynical. Not that it matters. The inevitable passage of time will consume and leave us all behind, eventually, letting us to fester wondering, was it all worth it? Were my shitty book reviews a valuable contribution to human society, in comparison? And what even was the point of this system in the first place? Why do we even bother to try to be more than savages, or even calculate that yes, we are living, when it will do nothing but further realise the emptiness and complete loneliness of the vacuum of space? Or what if-

Sorry. It’s been a rough week. See you next time.)