#anyways time to start getting recommended posts about how to deal w being a shit person instead

[gothgamergaara]

Realizing that i am having issues that are causing me to be the source of the problem that they make ig psych infographics about :^)

[sunshinexlollipops]

originally was writing in the notes but realized this just needed to be added in a long (sorry) reblog. while OP is ranting there's some shit I got to say that's important.

I have a bunch of experience w both weight loss surgery + these meds OP mentions and there's some VITAL INFORMATION in this if you are considering what's mentioned above.

firstly, let's start with the gastric sleeve surgery my sister had months ago and the shit time that I helped her through, because the place she went to seemed unethical as hell.

I want to start with that she is fine and happier now, but she doesn't remember most of this. I have to say I am legitimately surprised no major issues occurred or that, frankly, she didn't die.

not all gastric goes like this, sure, but the problem is that my sister found a place that seemed borderline to actually unethical. and my point is that, there is an industry built around weight loss options and down to even surgeries, they will exist to lure you in and take advantage.

below is a summary of the bullshit we dealt with:

she had gastric sleeve (removed part of your stomach like OP mentioned) and a severe hernia repair done in one surgery

despite informing them she had a severe EPI-pen level dairy allergy, her nurses weren't informed of this allergy until they had to feed her, and the only reason she had anything to use is that we happened to bring her protein powder prior to surgery.

we were in LA and STILL struggled to find vegan protein powders that were safe and also followed the regulations the place gave us (sugar is limited as it affects the healing process of the stomach), so at times we were racing around to find options so she wasn't going to starve.

prior to the operation, they recommended she get a PERSONAL NURSE for 2 weeks after surgery, and when my sister informed them she couldn't afford or get one, they still went forward with surgery anyway.

while visiting her, I could hear people screaming and moaning from pain in the other rooms. it was like a horror movie moment.

a patient at this place could only stay 24 hours EXACTLY. and this started at check-in PRIOR to surgery. so before my sister was even done being operated on, they told me we had to be out of the room by the same time next day so the room would be open to other incoming patients getting surgery. the catch though? you never, unless it was the day of their surgery, saw anyone occupying these rooms. they were EMPTY.

because of this rule though, they instructed her to STAY IN A HOTEL NEARBY, so if there were issues "we can be close to help" even though we were about 15 minutes away and I dunno... IN A HOTEL.

this placement was also for the first week post-op, as she was coming back to this location from the hotel to receive fluids through her PICC line (heart catheter) and it would take hours and hours. this made her sickly too, so it was a whole process to deal with.

they had my sis COLD TURKEY OFF AN SSRI and this caused major issues for my sister's mental health.

this, compounded with not sleeping, poor pain management provided by this place (keep in mind actual painkillers are being restricted because of the opioid crisis), not being able to eat properly for over a week (couldn't get her to eat anything), and not recovering well, we had to hospitalize my sister after surgery bc of how poorly she was.

before that I had gotten NO SLEEP as I was constantly up with her, keeping track of anti-clot devices on her legs, managing her medications (pain meds, antacids, blood thinner shots, etc), and also making sure we were getting up and having her walk around as I was instructed. I was worn out bc I WAS NEVER EQUIPPED TO HELP HER BY MYSELF. it legit will take a TEAM to help you post-surgery for gastric y'all. you CAN'T do this solo or with just 1 caretaker. the fact they put this on myself and her husband was beyond inappropriate and we were in no position to help her in the ways she critically needed.

while at the hospital, doctors were SHOCKED at what we told them about this location and the behavior of the people there. they wouldn't even notify us she had to be one place the next day or when, and I only found out about her POST-OP EXAM because I had asked if there was anything else we needed to know with her schedule. it was an afterthought.

I remember the doctor of the gastric wing at the hospital saying "it's sad she is going through this, because they have Wegovy now."

which........about that.

I had been briefly on that weekly shot named Wegovy!

you know, semaglutide — the current fad of weight loss drugs.

here's a photo from one of my shots that I took!

(I got those cheap Jurassic Park bandaids, lmao. rawr)

semaglutide is also in Ozempic, and that and Wegovy are produced by Novo Nordisk. Ozempic is intended for type 2 diabetics (type 1 diabetics cannot take semaglutide, it can KILL them), and Wegovy for weight loss.

other common drugs: phentermine is another weight loss option, for example, that comes as a pill and as OP stated, kills your appetite. and Eli and Lilly jumped into the weight loss shot game with Zepbound earlier this year (and Mounjaro is their version of Ozempic for type 2 diabetics).

there's also an older medication called Saxenda. when I wasn't able to obtain Wegovy, my Endo tried to place me on Saxenda. this is a DAILY SHOT y'all. meaning you would have to have 30 auto-injectors in your fridge for a one month supply. that's a lot!

overall, these weight loss drugs, especially shots with semaglutide, are a HUGE boom in the weight loss industry, so expect more drugs and more people to be on medications like these bc so much money is being made.

because I need to mention: for 4 shots of Wegovy (4 weeks of meds), you are paying over $1,200 usually for these shots.

some insurances won't cover them, and paying that much out of pocket for just a medication is insane. especially when that's only ONE MONTH of meds.

in one year, that will total to: $14,400

because of this, Bernie Sanders has actually been going after Novo Nordisk because of the price gouging Americans experience for these meds. because, of course, they are notably cheaper elsewhere in the world!

on top of this, weight loss clinics around the US are compounding THEIR OWN semaglutide. this is where this med gets SO DANGEROUS! including online purchases of this med, especially from foreign suppliers.

with a compounded version of this drug, or an online supplier, you cannot safely guarantee your dosage.

people have already DIED from overdosing, or experiencing severe complications from a high dose of semaglutide from alternative sources.

this is why it's VERY important that people don't just go after these shots from various sources, because this is a growing, worldwide problem. and the massive demand is causing more and more unsafe compounded versions to also become an even bigger, more threatening issue.

here's a video I previously watched from 60 Minutes Australia, and they interview families who have lost loved ones because of the massive public desire to use these medications.

that being said, there are some people with positives and good experiences with this medication. of course it isn't for everyone and is for some— but I believe these medications, particularly semaglutide, are being slapped way too generically.

and I know weight loss medications are being thrown at people, even when their weight isn't what is making them sick or unhappy, because that's what happened to me!

for me, Wegovy was a little different with its effects, because I have PCOS and respond more to the med like a type 2 diabetic (thanks insulin resistance).

I was sent to an endocrinologist bc my doctors were concerned I had a prolactinoma (tumor on the pituitary gland of the brain) after abnormal hormone levels came back from a blood panel, and instead of offering any other meds/treatment/an MRI to check/exploration to confirm or deny this issue, I was given a prescription for Wegovy.

Wegovy is being pushed as a panacea script, even if the medical issue you see the doctor for isn't related to weight.

while I wasn't a fan of the response, I opted to try the drug out anyway as it seemed to be my only hope at betterment.

semaglutide is intended to slow your digestion down so you have less of an appetite, and it is meant to affect how your body releases and responds to its insulin to help maintain steady blood sugar levels.

sounds great, right? but Wegovy comes with a LOT of risks y'all. some of which we are JUST discovering too. and not just light risks:

Gastroparesis (stomach paralysis, can be severe and life-threatening)

Pancreatitis (obvs involving your pancreas, has the potential to be fatal especially if severe, which semaglutide has been known to cause very rough cases of this)

Extremely aggressive thyroid cancer! (if your family has a history of this, like type 1 diabetics, you are NOT permitted to take the med. it could cause you to develop fast-forming and aggressive thyroid cancer, as it did so to animals they tested it on— this is why Wegovy has an FDA warning)

Severe acid reflux (no exaggerating this is the worst heartburn you'll ever have, and some foods will now trigger this. they become inedible for you and you WILL vomit them up)

Vomiting / Constipation (bc of slowing your digestion, you can get really backed up especially if you suffer gastroparesis bc nothing moves, but if it can't go out the back end it will come out the front)

feeling VERY unwell post-eating, especially with sugars (food will hit you harder and sugary things will make you really ill, I had trouble finding things I could tolerate after a while on the med, and gave up so many foods bc I couldn't tolerate them anymore)

recently, they also just discovered semaglutide can cause a rare form of blindness!

I was only on Wegovy for 2 months. in a way, it was life changing. my PCOS has been wreaking havoc with my hormones (prolactin esp) and it's fucked me up a lot. while Wegovy did help with that, there were a lot of downsides to the med and many foods were no longer safely edible for me due to side effects.

the shortage hit, and I was forced off the med as I couldn't fulfill my prescription. I was heartbroken at first, but as more is discovered about the med and its apparent effects, I'm realizing now in some ways it was more risky and unpleasant than it was worth.

and heads up: if you're on these shots and stop, you will gain the weight you lost back, alongside some extra, new weight.

so if you don't intend to stay on this medication long term, it will put you further away from where you started with it!

and all for what...because you have some extra poundage?

your body needs fuel (food AND fat) and foods shouldn't be viewed as evil or naughty for you. unless you have a dietary restriction (religion, allergy, condition like celiac), don't make bad associations with your food to where you'll feel shame for eating like you're supposed to.

please understand, your body isn't evil or bad for having fat. it's meant to have it!

even if you are thin, you have fat! specifically, adipose cells. it's a connective tissue that helps insulate your body. it helps a little with other functions too, and is part of the system in your body that keeps you alive!

being overweight, that can occur for a variety of reasons, be it excess calories to health conditions that cause it to accumulate, but NEVER does being fat excuse treating you as lesser/undesirable, or excuse what society will put you through to lose it.

diets, whatever kind, also don't tend to be successful as doctors have found, and tend to reinforce bad eating habits that can lead or are even created to mimic an eating disorder.

you want a diet that is built upon being rewarding and positive, not restrictive and shameful.

if you want to be happier in your body, the first step is learning to love however it comes. you deserve love regardless of what number is on that scale! because weight loss takes time, and you shouldn't feel like you're in a race to shrink into embracing yourself.

second, even when you have conditions you need to improve or mitigate healthwise, weight loss is always up to you.

it shouldn't be about earning society's fickle approval, or feeling like shedding pounds will earn you acceptance and love (especially from yourself).

this world doesn't actually care what you look like when it comes to fucking you over, and these methods have become an outlet to take advantage of the rampant fatphobia that drives many to become desperate to lose weight.

please learn to embrace and love yourself, no matter your shape and size. and only do what you need to protect your health and peace of mind.

don't let the snake oil salesman of the modern age convince you these things are the only way to address your unhappiness, insecurities, or weight.

diet culture people make me feel like i’m going crazy. you want me to take an experimental pill that destroys my appetite?? you want me to remove part of my stomach??? you want me to stop eating bread and rice, two of the staple foods most inherent to humanity????? why exactly? because my stomach is big? because you don’t like the way i look, and you think it’s reasonable to tell me to carve pieces off of myself and try random drugs and ruin my own life so i can look more visually pleasing to you? and you somehow don’t see how absurdly cruel and selfish that is to ask of somebody???? while pretending you care about their HEALTH????????????????? FUCK YOU!!!!

[disengaged]

hello! i'm here from elliott's post about film class, you replied to her and i found out that you have a double major of film studies and psych. anyway, i scrolled through your blog and i think you are quite passionate and really knowledgeable about your major, and i'm not lmao (i'm a multimedia arts student, but i want to be like a film director someday). hence, i'm here to get inspiration and advices from. i actually already saved the books you recommended though!

i'm going to take a film language class this coming sem, and i feel anxious about it (+ the fact that i'm a beginner in every medium of art/media makes me feel out of place and undeserving of being in this major lol). i started advanced studying with Crash Course's free film history course, but i just feel lost, i don't know what to do. i feel like i should be studying 60mph because i can't keep up with anyone.

my school does not really do examinations right after every semester, even quizzes are non-existent. i don't have a classmate or friend that i can ask these questions because they have other interests that do not interest me. that's why i find it hard to understand anything. i'm currently at the burnt-out stage so perhaps the reason why i am so naive. but any advice will really help. thank you :((

DUUUUDE omg .... okay first things first, take a deep breath, it's gonna be okay

i really respect your dedication/the fact that you're trying to study before the class even starts, but like . if it's an intro-level course, you're gonna be ok !! TONS of people take FS courses as optional arts credits/"for interest", it's typically expected that you're not going to know everything. as long as you have the right prerequisites for the course, you should be doing ok! if it turns out your prof sucks (like elliott's) you can brush up on the rest as you go ♥️ :-0

like ...... if you're already dealing with burnout, studying super hard ahead of time is gonna make you feel even worse. & yknow ....... if it's really bad in the first week, just drop out tbh 🤷 some courses ain't worth it

in terms of exams: i'd say about half of my film studies classes have been essay-based rather than quiz/midterm/final exam-based, idk how your school works though

as for feeling 'undeserving' of your major ...... i can't really help you there, but you should know that imposter syndrome is super common in every single discipline and at any college/uni, especially in the fine arts side of things — but you're ok !! like !!! if you were a pro at everything already, school would suck ass. i hope u can get over this fear and better enjoy learning new things, cuz that's really what postsecondary is all about ♥️ it's ok to be naive, especially in subjects the average person knows jack shit about.

the path to becoming a director is ....arduous.... and typically requires training within the industry and/or a degree specifically in film production (which is different than the 'scholarly' branch of film studies) but if it's what you really want, go for it. put your heart into it, yknow, do whatever it is that makes you feel like you're doing something important. YOLO

it can be tough when your friends don't Get your interests, i'm here to chat anytime if you like tho !! film studies is basically my favourite thing on earth :'-)

also i saw u asked elliott abt notetaking ...... i use OneNote & i love it, it's great cause it puts your notes in The Cloud and you can access them from any device. super user-friendly and has drawing, highlighting, font changing functions, you can insert PDFs as printouts ....... i hate carrying my 5lb laptop to campus (and it doesn't fit on the little desk trays in my lecture halls anyways. fml) so i just have an iPad loaded up w OneNote and i'm set :-) i take some of my notes by hand but only for English/Writing/CMPUT classes lol, my FS and Psych classes go way too fast to keep up

[queenlua]

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue.  see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP.   and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP.  so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on.  there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc.  you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

[xlady-saya]

Hello! I don’t really use this account a whole lot but I wanted to go ahead and make a pinned post, which I’ll hopefully remember to update frequently lol. Anyways, here’s a collection of the fics I’ve written for aftg, andreil, and others so far ^^

progress comes in small steps series [complete]

and we’re just starting to get it [Rated T, 11.1k]

Neil is nothing and everything all at once, the entire universe for Andrew, however small of a universe that is. Even Aaron is starting to see it, though the pieces still don't line up.

And Andrew is trying to convince Aaron that he's never jealous? Yeah right. You don't spend your entire life being denied, being hurt, going through foster care with nothing to call your own only to be okay with someone else trying to take the one bright piece of life you call yours.

Or, Aaron is done with Andrew's shit and makes it his job to prove his brother wrong.

there’s always more to learn [Rated T, 12.3k]

The subject of Katelyn and Neil hasn't felt like dangerous territory in a long time, but Aaron feels the bomb countdown already coming to an end before Bee even opens her mouth.

"Well, the two of them are so alike," Bee goes on, oblivious to the tension leaking into the space. Her smile is pleasant, teasing. "It just goes to show how you and Andrew have similar tastes despite being so different."

The world freezes on its axis.

Andrew inhales a little too loudly the same time Aaron chokes on his spit. "W-What?"

trust is a slow process [Rated T, 7.3k]

If Katelyn had been stealthier, she could've escaped the crowded dance floor without Andrew seeing her.

But of course, she's no Neil.

Or: Katelyn and Andrew spend some unwanted quality time together, and Katelyn sees things for what they are.

someday there won’t be scowls [Rated T, 8.1k]

Neil finds that even with his mind's best efforts to hang onto the wounds of the past, his opinion of Aaron just isn't what it used to be. He can thank Andrew and Katelyn for a lot of it, but his own observations certainly help.

When he sees Aaron like this, the mix of worry and adoration on his face as he thinks of Katelyn, Neil can't help but feel too exposed himself.

It's a start.

I want this touch to be familiar [Rated E, 38.1k]

Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It's not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil's hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he's forced to acknowledge how much he's allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

if magic exists, you’re the closest thing [Rated T, 16.2k]

The concept of love is not one Andrew understands.

For a long time, it escaped him. It's always fuzzy, always distorted. He'd given up on it long ago, so why is he still chasing answers?

Whatever the reason, he's content to blame Jean Moreau for a lot of things, Katelyn too.

It's their fault he's here, at the happiest place on earth.

this red is for you [Rated T, 10.8k]

Katelyn never considered herself capable of doling out violence.

It has always been a far away thought, dampened by college courses and late night dates with her boyfriend. She lives a stereotypical life, despite everything she's been through with Aaron. Aside from her growing connection with the notoriously troublesome Foxes, nothing much about her life has changed.

Even then, she's learning she's still able to surprise herself. When Katelyn witnesses Neil defending Andrew, her own protective rage rears its head, ready to be explored.

And maybe that's a good thing.

an unconventional crossing [Rated T, 8.1k]

Aaron likes to believe he and Andrew have a lot more practice navigating their conversations now. And he’s right, mostly. But sometimes, challenges arise at the strangest times, and especially when their significant others are concerned.

In which Andrew and Aaron run into each other at the grocery store, and choose not to part ways.

the roads I traveled with you [Rated T, 35.5k]

When his brother gets engaged, Aaron doesn't expect it to send his head spinning as much as it does. Marriage has always felt like a dream, or a nightmare, one he never thought either of them would be able to achieve.

In that moment, Aaron remembers what he's always known, what keeps his head above water. He wants to be with Katelyn forever. That's never been a question. But marriage hadn't been brought up. For so long it was this abstract concept, a fantasy. He'd always reasoned with himself that it would happen, rationally of course it would, but now...

Now Andrew has made the idea a reality, and Aaron has to confront his own wants for his future.

one shots/multichapters

I’ve had a love of my own [Rated T, ongoing]

Despite everything Neil could’ve imagined for his life, he never thought he’d be here, finally giving the world the interview they’ve always wanted.

It’s been decades, but even with his numerous accolades and sports wins, he finds that they’re the least important thing about his life.

Neil can’t help but laugh. Andrew would be so annoyed if he were here.

Of course, Neil only wants to talk about him, and the life they spent together.

slurred [Rated M, 1.6k]

They're not the type of people to give up control, but with each other they're willing to bend the rules.

growing pains [Rated T, 10.6k]

Stuart knows it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to have crushes. That’s why he’s not surprised in the slightest when Neil starts acting strange; lighter, happier. However, what he doesn’t expect is for the crush to leak into his everyday life—or literally take up residence in his house. Or: five times Stuart knew Neil was hiding a nighttime guest, and one time he actually met him.

your hands are mine to hold [Rated E, 6.7k]

It has taken a long time for Thea to accept a lot of aspects of their past. Her eyes track the fear in Kevin's eyes, emboldened by how his own resolve wears it away year by year. She'll never take that sight for granted.

It's hard to ignore the weights on both of them, with their lives so eaten up by the Exy world and memories of the Nest, but one thing has always remained consistent.

Thea trusts Kevin Day with her everything, and she'll never hesitate to follow him into battle.

better than a night light [Rated T, 7.3k]

Neil hasn’t had the chance to examine the feeling of fear in a long time. He’s all too familiar with it though; from the nightmares, to the memories of a cold basement floor, he knows the feeling like the back of his hand.

But this fear is new, loaded with ridiculousness and a complete lack of reason. It’s nothing more than pixels on a screen, far away theories that can’t hurt him like his past can.

Maybe that’s why he’s beginning to not mind it as much. It doesn’t hurt that Andrew is also there to hold him through it.

Playtime [Rated E, 6.7k]

There was a time when Andrew might've questioned being so into this.

Not anymore.

take what you want [Rated E, 5.4k]

Laila has come a long way from her freshman year, past all the worries and pressure to behave a certain way. She never thought she’d realize it here, lounging poolside with her girlfriend.

The urge to seduce Alvarez is just too good to let go.

a product of absence [Rated T, 7.8k]

It’s funny, Andrew thinks, that this would be seen as a curse in any other situation. Two people, thrown apart by time and circumstances, desperately searching for one another.

But Andrew has never doubted Neil’s return. He’s not running, he’s not worried. It’s perhaps the only waiting game that’s been worth it, that he understands, because this bond with Neil has only ever made sense to him.

In another life, Neil made this much clear: they would always find each other in the end.

here I am, there you go again [Rated T, 17.5k]

There's many things about the past Neil chooses to leave behind, and most of the time it's for the best. For some reason though, his brain can't help but cling to the last memories of him.

"My Ex." Neil bites his tongue at the word, because it never feels right. At this point, so many years later, that man is no one. A stranger. He shouldn't presume to know him anymore than his ex should presume to know Neil.

If he remembers Neil at all.

But Neil should know better than anyone that the past always has a way of catching up to him, and this time, he's not as willing to run as he might've initially thought.

losing battle [Rated M, 3.4k]

It's always been Nicky's dream to be closer with his cousins. However, when he opens Andrew's mail to find more than he bargained for, he finds himself regretting the wish. Unfortunately, no matter how much Andrew's warmed up to him in the last few years, Nicky's pretty sure he'll die (literally) if Andrew finds out.

Nicky's mission begins.

temper, temper [Rated T, 3.7k]

"You paid for the deluxe package," Neil says as he scrolls through his payment history to find his client's invoice. His system is simple:

Basic Package: Fuck you. A general statement of displeasure and a brief description of the wrongdoing.

Intermediate Package: Fuck you, with passion. Everything in the basic package, but with additional insults. Customizable for an extra fee.

Deluxe Package: Fuck you to hell. Everything from the first two packages, for an extended period of time, and with extra viciousness.

And it looks like Andrew Minyard is the unlucky soul today.

a new contract [Rated T, 7.2k]

Neil’s request is simple on its face, but infinitely complicated given his history.

“Convince your team to sign me.”

And this was Andrew’s deal: If Neil can prove that he’s serious, that he can build a new life for himself so that he doesn’t end up crawling back to Riko, Andrew will convince his coach to recommend him for recruitment in the fall.

Yes, it was meant to be black and white…

But Andrew should’ve known better. Nothing ever is.

What a Rush [Rated E, 1.6k]

It's always Andrew's goal to stretch Neil's pleasure to its limits, and he's barely begun to scratch the surface.

locked together [Rated E, 8.3k]

Andrew licks his lips and tugs on the tail of the beast inside him, righting it so it can point him in the direction of what he's searching for. Neil looks good on top of him, panting and giddy, and it's rare that Andrew doesn't want to flip them over and make Neil fall apart.

But...every once in a while...

Well, he's relaxed today. He wants to listen, he wants orders, he wants to be controlled so long as the control comes from Neil.

do you like scary movies? [Rated T, 22.5k]

To say Andrew has never seen the benefit in the make-believe would be a lie. However, he finds less and less use for it as he grows older. He especially fails to see the benefits of anything from the horror genre; he’s made plenty of his own mistakes, has seen more than enough to terrify him in his life. He doesn’t need to rely on jump scares and idiotic protagonists.

But when he meets Neil, self-proclaimed horror archivist, he finds that maybe he never gave the genre the credit it was due, and he ends up thanking the dull movies eventually…

They lead him to Neil, the realest thing he’s ever known.

[gender-snatched]

in no particular order whatsoever, I present you some good queer media: ((very minor spoilers for some things))

- black sails! it's a series, 4 seasons, 30 something episodes total, I haven't watched it yet but someone just recommend it to me and it sounds amazing. they're pirates, it's got a lot of queer characters, characters of color, and it deals (really fucking well, from what I heard) with topics of racism, misogyny, cissexism, poverty and how all of these relate and how systems oppress marginalized people and a bunch of other stuff. there's also at least two different poly relationships (a triad and a V). also it's got legit really fucking good writing, like legit legit good.

- the penumbra podcast!! I have listened to this one and it's a fucking masterpiece. it's got two main storylines; the first one (Junoverse) is a noir detective type but it's in Mars in the future (with a non-binary he/him bisexual lady as a main character and it deals (really well) with a lot of mental health issues, mainly depression) and it turns into space pirates in the third season and I think there's only one canon cis/straight person in the whole thing everyone else is queer and the other main storyline (Second Citadel) is more classic fantasy knights and monsters with a lot of questions of morality and "what's really a monster" and a poly relationship (and scaley monsterfuckers) and honestly a lot of queer characters

- Welcome To Night Vale!! I feel like this would be right up your street, honestly. it's a podcast, it follows a radio show from this town, Night Vale, where a lot of really weird supernatural shit happens, and the radio host, Cecil telling us (the town) about what's up. it's really fun and weird, it's not scary at all if that's a concern, it's very explicitly queer (in the very first episode Cecil falls in love with a man and tells the whole town about it) and it depicts a very healthy gay couple and great character development and it's honestly really fun, you get to know a lot of the townfolk and their stories and it's great

- The Adventure Zone! it's an actual play podcast, the McElroy brothers (you may know them?) and their dad play d&d. they just finished their third campaign and are starting the 4th one this week I think. the first campaign is by far my favourite. it starts kinda rough, they're playing dnd for the first time and the story and characters are pretty weak, but by the third or fourth arc you can tell how much they've learnt in the process. the fourth arc is where the story starts picking up and by the end (there's 69 (ha) episodes divided into 8 or 9 arcs) you'll be sobbing your eyes out for the last ten episodes. it's classic dnd fantasy stuff with at least three explicitly queer relationships (one of the main characters is gay and in a relationship) and w at least one explicitly trans character. it was their first time, they tried and did fairly well tbh. the second campaign is shorter, settled in modern real life Kepler, West Virginia where basically cryptids are real and the main three kill monsters in a monster of the week type of thing. (one of the main three is bi and in a queer relationship, there's one nb they/them character). and the third campaign just finished, it's real fun too, three college students of a heroes and villains school, in a (fantasy) world where heroes and villains are like A Thing and The System sucks and the message is basically to overthrow capitalism lmao

I swear I consume more media than just podcast but rn I just can't think of any...

also not exactly queer media but:

- Phineas and Ferb, it's a classic, you probably watched it on TV as a kid (I did) but it merits a rewatch

- Gravity Falls, same thing, I'm still not over how fucking good this show is

- Steve Universe, I know things got heated up in the fandom at some point but I ignored the fuck out of everyone and enjoyed it anyways because it's good

- how to train your dragon, they're all good okay, they are, watch them again

- Big Mouth. you're like 15 right? you can watch big mouth, I highly recommend it, it's really good. it's for some queer characters but they're even the main focus of some episodes/storylines, but it doesn't even matter, the whole series is just really good.

- Megamind, it's probably better than you remember

- also, you're into star trek right? have you watched discovery? I haven't watched s3 yet but it's good

I went completely off the rails halfway through this but still, hope you check out some new thing!! (and if you do post about it, I wanna know) (also can you guess who I am? I feel like it's kinda obvious sjsksk)

- j

Thank you!!! I really like WTNV, and I've been meaning to watch/listen to those other ones! And I never actually watched Phineas and Ferb, but I've heard it's good. Gravity Falls and Steven Universe are both on my list! And I hella hyperfixated on HTTYD in sixth grade. Megamind is amazing!!!!! And I sadly can't watch Disco cuz I don't have Paramount+, but I wish I could!

And surprisingly I can't guess who you are but that's probably due to me being a dumbass who can't really tell typing styles apart

[glitterblazercalum]

got a river for a soul, and baby, you’re a boat

or:  Oh, fuck. We showed up wearing matching couples’ costumes to this party by accident and now everyone thinks we’re together.” + cashton

hello and happy halloween everyone!! giant thank u to ainslee @ashesonthefloor for putting this event together!! and for forcing me to actually get this fic done, looking it over, and generally being a major source of serotonin in my life. another huge thank u to bella @clumsyclifford for being one of my favorite people and loving frat boys enough that it made me want to write a fic about them to annoy her <3 love you both <3 

here is the link to the event masterpost bc I highly recommend checking out all of the other amazing fics: 

https://ashesonthefloor.tumblr.com/post/633534107120549888/hello-welcome-to-my-halloween-fic-event

warnings: mentions of alcohol

word count: 2,872

without further ado, please enjoy the fic I wrote mostly all last night while looping drag me down for thirteen hours straight :))

Calum doesn’t know what fuckhead came up with the idea of having a joint Halloween party for Sigma Nu and Sigma Pi this year, but he really wants to fight them. He thinks he’d probably have a lot of people on his side, considering how much Sig Nu and and Sig Pi hate each other, so he tucks the idea of interfraternity war away in his head as a contingency plan in case the party goes to shit, as joint parties with any other frat always seem to. And it’s not like it’s a one night thing, because all three days of the “Halloweekend,” as Michael refuses to stop calling it, are supposedly going to be spent with Sig Nu, one party at their own house, and two at the shithole that he assumes is the Sig Nu house, in some deranged attempt at bonding. He’ll be lucky to make it out alive, probably. 

Before college, he really never did anything of his own for Halloween, mainly used to being used as a prop or side character for his sister Mali-Koa’s elaborate costumes, or, after she’d moved out, sticking a pair of fake fangs in his mouth to hand out candy to the few kids who rang the doorbell despite his efforts to keep all the lights in the house off. Last year, as a freshman, he’d gotten roped into a group costume with some of the other Sig Pi pledges, and while his memories are...hazy at best, he vaguely remembers falling asleep in a Teletubbies onesie at the end of the night. 

This year, though, no one has tried to tell him what to dress up as, so it’s now a few hours before the first of the three parties, and Calum still has no ideas for what he should dress up as. A quick Google search for “cheap easy costumes” hadn’t really been all that helpful, so he decides to ignore the problem and take a nap until he actually has to leave. 

A few hours later, Michael barges into the room to drag him out of bed, and looks around for a few seconds before asking, “You don’t have a costume, do you?”

Calum groans, pulling himself out of bed and wracking his brain for an idea that he can plausibly bullshit in the next few seconds, because he can’t let Michael be right and have something to tease him about, so he blurts, “I’m going to be a salt shaker.” 

Michael gapes at him a bit for a few seconds before asking, “What the fuck? What kind of costume is that? What are you even going to wear for that?” 

Calum mentally kicks himself in the shin, as hard as possible, because he really hasn’t thought this through. Why couldn’t he have just said cat or cowboy or something even slightly in the realm of normal Halloween costumes? 

“Uhhh.. y’know that baseball tee I have? The one with the black sleeves and white middle?” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s in my closet, but continue.” 

“What the fuck, dude? Give it back!” 

“You haven’t noticed that it’s missing for like three weeks, I just assumed it was mine now. Tell me what the rest of the costume is,” Michael demands. 

“I’ll just tape a piece of paper with a big ‘S’ on it to the front of my shirt, and then put one of those pots with the holes on my head. Bam! Salt shaker!” Calum says, moderately impressed with his ability to pull stuff out of his ass this quickly. 

“What makes you think we even have a colander?” Michael asks, crossing his arms. 

Calum gives him a blank stare. “A what?” 

“That’s what the pots with the holes are called, you idiot.” 

“You think Harry would live anywhere that didn’t have a fully-stocked kitchen? There’s bound to be one in one of the cabinets or something.” 

“Fine. I’ll go get the shirt while you look for the colander.” Before Calum can object, suggest that he look through Michael’s closet himself and steal back any of his other clothes that have somehow wound up there, Michael’s already halfway down the hallway. 

Sighing, he trudges down the stairs towards the kitchen, where one of the seniors, Niall, is sitting with his head in his hands, dressed as a pirate. 

“Hey, dude, nice costume,” Calum offers as a greeting. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can find a colander, would you? I know Harry—” 

“Do not talk to me about Harry right now,” Niall says, and Calum stops his search for a moment to send him a concerned look.

“What happ—” 

“That needy-ass motherfucker thinks that just because I didn’t want to do a couples’ costume with him, it means I don’t love him anymore! Never mind the fact that he literally mentioned this idea to me yesterday, well past the point where everyone finalizes their costumes.” 

Calum offers him a sympathetic look and offers, “Couples’ costumes are boring and cheesy anyways. Neither of you are missing out on anything, at least in my opinion.”

Niall lifts his head up from where he’d been repeatedly hitting it on the table to smirk at Calum and ask, “Have a lot of experience with couples’ costumes, do you?” 

Luckily, Calum has finally found the colander, so he opts to ignore the question and just leave the kitchen entirely. 

When he gets back upstairs, Michael’s in his room, unabashedly checking himself out in the mirror that’s on the back of the closet door. “Yeah, yeah, your anime character of the year looks great, now get out and let me get ready.” 

Michael scoffs, “Get ready, as if you’re even doing anything,” but moves towards the door anyway. 

Michael’s right, the costume is ridiculously easy to throw together, and two minutes later, they’re both out the door, walking across Fraternity Row to get to the Sig Nu house, where the music is already blaring and strobe lights throw red, then green, then blue shadows across everyone’s faces. On his way to the kitchen to grab a drink, he sees Niall and Harry walk into the house, holding hands and laughing together, so he assumes that their fight has blown over as quickly as all of their other fights always seem to.

He sees a few different trays of shots and decides he might as well take one to get the night started off right. After, he realizes that he probably shouldn’t grab a beer now, Mali’s rule about sticking to one color of booze for the night ringing in his head, so he settles for filling up a Solo cup with whatever glow in the dark gin concoction is in all the punch bowls. He wouldn’t put it past the Sig Nus to poison the drink on purpose, but it tastes relatively normal, so he grabs another cup for Michael and attempts to leave the kitchen, steering around the couple sloppily making out in the doorway. 

It’s harder to spot Michael than it usually is, considering that at least half the people at the party are wearing some type of wig, but Calum eventually makes his way back over to him. He’s talking to Niall and Harry, and they both offer him a smile before continuing on with the conversation. Once that reaches a lull, Niall leans closer to Calum and says, “Mate, you didn’t need to lie to me about couples’ costumes.” 

Calum has no idea what Niall is talking about, so he shakes his head and asks, “What are you talking about?” 

Niall cackles, and Harry turns to look at him adoringly before going back to talking to Michael, and Calum is more confused than ever. Niall grabs his shoulder and spins him around and points in the direction of a clump of people. “You’re salt and he’s pepper, right? That’s such an obvious couples’ costume, although you two do seem to have a bit of a disconnect on how much effort you put in. That guy really went all out. And dude, why haven’t you told us that you have a boyfriend? You know we’d want to know about that, give him the Sig Pi seal of approval and all that. Wait. Unless he’s a Sig Nu, in which case, I don’t want to know because I’d probably have to kick you out. That’s a joke, by the way.” 

Calum barely has the presence of mind to mumble, “He’s not my boyfriend,” before crossing the room to get to the guy in the hyper-realistic pepper grinder costume. 

The guy smiles as Calum approaches, and despite the costume covering most of his body, Calum can tell that he’s cute. “Why so salty?” Pepper Guy greets, the sunshiney smile still on his face. 

Calum smirks and replies, “Maybe I just need some more spice in my life.” Pepper Guy laughs, and just like everything else about him, it’s cute, and Calum wants to hear it again. “I’m Calum, by the way.”

“Ashton. Nice to meet you, man.” 

Calum leans a little closer so that it’s easier to hold a conversation over the loud music and asks, “What’s the deal with the super realistic pepper grinder costume?” 

Ashton makes a strange noise, somewhere between a laugh and a groan, and says, “I got it off some random sketchy website, but it was supposed to be a chess piece. Something clearly went wrong somewhere in production, and my friend Luke said that I might as well sharpie a “P” onto it and just go with it.” 

Calum makes a noise of agreement, mind stuck on a dumb idea. Before he can reconsider, he sends Michael a quick text that says if u’ve already taken over as dj, can u play that come grind w me song? and a few seconds later, he hears the opening notes and grins. 

“Hey, Ashton?” 

“Yeah?” Ashton replies, as realization slips across his face.

Right in time with the singer’s voice, Calum says, “Come grind with me,” and he laughingly pulls Ashton towards the makeshift dance floor. Neither of them can really dance, so it’s a mess of laughter and limbs flopping around, but Calum feels an unmistakable electricity between them too, and once the song is over, they stay for the next few, enraptured by each other. When they finally exhaust themselves with all the laughing and mock-twerking, Ashton asks Calum if he wants a refill, and when Calum nods, he grabs his hand and starts pulling him towards the kitchen. 

Once they’re there, Calum goes for another serving of the glow in the dark punch, which is steadily dimming as the glow sticks run out of light. Since that’s really the only light source in the kitchen, Calum doesn’t see Ashton until he’s turning around and Ashton is right in front of him, reaching around him for a cup. Calum’s kind of trapped with his back against the counter, Ashton’s pepper grinder costume tall enough to really block out the view of the rest of the party, and the world narrows, all of it contained in where their eyes connect, and then, after Calum has safely set his drink back on the counter, that narrow point expands just a bit to where their mouths land on each other’s. The colander gets knocked off Calum’s head as he lifts himself up to sit on the counter, wrapping his legs around Ashton’s waist to pull him closer, as close as he can possibly get him. 

Ashton’s sucking a mark into Calum’s neck when Calum has his first coherent thought of the past few minutes and pulls back, breathlessly asking “Wait, wait, you’re not a Sig Nu, are you?” fully expecting the answer to be no.

Ashton steps back a little too, and it takes him a second to register the question before he groans, “Of course you’re a fucking Sig Pi, that’s the only explanation that makes sense for me never seeing you anywhere before. You’re too hot for me to not notice otherwise.” 

Calum flushes and mentally curses out whatever idiots had started the rivalry between Sig Nu and Sig Pi before he grabs his stupid colander off the ground and gives Ashton an awkward wave goodbye.  

Once he’s out of the kitchen, he quickly glances around in search of Michael, and when he can’t immediately find him, he just gives up and leaves entirely. Fuck Sig Nu. 

He spends most of the next day bitching about his hangover, and then, a few hours later, bitching about his hangover while helping to set up the house for that night’s party. 

He doesn’t really have much more of a costume for tonight, throwing on a gray shirt and sharpie-ing some whiskers on his face. Michael takes pity on him and makes him a headband with an approximation of what they both think mouse ears are, and Calum is mildly entertained by going up to everyone and saying, “I’m a mouse, duh.” 

His heart’s really not in the right place to party tonight, which is probably breaking the cardinal rule of being in a frat, so he sticks close to Michael, who has taken over the role of DJ, once again. Zayn from Alpha Sig strolls over after about half an hour, devil horns askew, and quietly says to Calum, “Cat and mouse, huh? Didn’t think you had it in you, Hood, that’s proper cute. Not as cute as me and Lou, mind you, but still, I respect the effort.” 

Calum is reluctant to look up and see who he’s accidentally matching with today, because, with his luck, it’s probably another guy from Sig Nu. When he does eventually look up, he immediately makes eye contact with Ashton, who happens to be walking by, dressed in all black and with whiskers sharpie’d onto his face too. Calum wants to bang his head into a wall because the universe clearly hates him if it’s having him match with Ashton again. Even beyond that, Ashton looks so good out of the stupid pepper grinder and in all black that Calum wants to make out with him again. 

Ashton is clearly having similar thoughts when he gestures Calum over and leads them towards a little pocket of quiet space in one of the lesser used hallways. 

Calum really wants to hook his thumb into one of Ashton’s belt loops, so he does, as Ashton looks him up and down a few times. “Is the mouse costume your way of telling me you want me to chase you?” 

Calum murmurs, “Shut up,” before leaning in to kiss him, frat rivalry be damned. It’s just as good as it was the night before, maybe even more so, now that the pepper costume isn’t in their way. At this point, there’s no denying the chemistry. It can’t be blamed on being drunk since Calum’s been nursing the same beer all night, and the part of his brain that’s protesting against being this close to a Sig Nu is getting smaller and smaller as he and Ashton continue to kiss. 

They stay in that hallway for the rest of the night, eventually sliding down to sit on the ground, legs pressed together, sharing stupid stories about their respective frats. Calum’s surprised when the music shuts off because it feels like it’s only been an hour at most, that’s how easy it is to talk to Ashton. Ashton heaves himself up and reaches both hands down to help Calum up, too. 

“I don’t think there’s any way you can match your costume to mine tomorrow, but I’ll come find you anyways,” Ashton says, as he leaves Calum with a kiss on the cheek. 

Calum’s too wired to sleep much, so he opts to help clean up the house instead, and that takes up enough of his day that when nighttime rolls around, he’s stood staring at his closet without a costume idea for the third time in as many days. After ten minutes of consideration, he digs through one of his drawers to pull out the fake vampire fangs that he had somehow remembered to bring with him, and he goes down the hall to ask Jack to put some fake blood on his mouth and neck. Jack always goes all out for Halloween. 

Once he’s at the party, he doesn’t have to wait long to find Ashton, who looks incredibly good in his werewolf costume. There’s fake blood on him too, which is really the only way their costumes could be understood to be matching, or so Calum thinks. Tonight, Jack and Alex are the ones to tease him, “You know what, I agree. Jacob and Edward should have ended up together, Bella was boring as shit.” 

Calum’s really not bothered by the comments at all, so much so that he’s already thinking of couples’ costumes ideas for next year when he finds his way over to Ashton and whispers, “Let’s get out of here.” 

“Are you trying to make a move on me? I’m a respectable Sigma Nu, I don’t know if I can allow that.” 

 Calum laughs and tugs him out the door, “Told you I wanted some more spice in my life.” 

[floraisann]

ateez reaction: filming an asmr video with an asmrtist s/o

➣ requested? X

➣ genre: fluff(prolly not but we’ll go w it), humor

➣ masterlist

A/N: yeah this was made entirely bc i was thinking about seonghwa getting scared over the fact that he made a nice sound in his one asmr vid so,,,, yeah. enjoy! :)

❅♩♬♩❅――

❥ kim hongjoong

was iffy about the idea until he realized hey, the two of you could still make music, just much quieter

you’d probably film like,,,, asmr songwriting,,,,, where it’s just you two working silently on a song

in the beginning it’s really quiet, but you do get some sexy pencil/keyboard sounds 🥰💕

once he gets into the groove of things he’s very calm and focused, and that relaxing vibe transfers into the video

tries to do actual asmr triggers, but everything gains rhythm and before you know it heyyy this a pretty sick beat 😳

the song he ends up writing uses only asmr triggers for the instrumental along with very soft vocals, and bc this man lives and breathes music ITS A WHOLE BOP

10/10 content. would nap to again

❥ park seonghwa

could not find gifs of his asmr video smh but anyways seonghwa, we know ur hot already, we get it. pls calm down

kq sir where’s the seonghwa asmr series the people don’t just want it, the people NEED it

was ready for this since before he exited the womb

since this man is already a whole asmrtist you’d film something like that “asmr friend tries giving me tingles” video 

very excited by the expensive mic

“is this how you do it” except he really doesn’t have any reason to ask you, he already knows what he’s doing

gets REALLY shook whenever he makes a god sound

like remember the plastic wrap/facial mist moment he had in his own vid?? that x10

the video you post with him ends up your most viewed. not because of the emotional support kpop boy you got on the video, no it’s the extreme quality 

❥ jeong yunho

you guys would probably film SOMETHING with talking, maybe one of the asmr interviews w magazine does

except there’s a real asmrtist asking questions and a kpop boy to answer

REALLY good at soft spoken asmr. like the low rumble in his voice!?! mmm. 23/10 would tingle again

probably really good in general. like even if he doesn’t watch asmr normally will probably watch a number of videos before filming to make editing easier on you so the video is actually VERY GOOD

honestly he probably makes the best sounds in the video and you’re just like :o

“jeong yunho, where’d you learn how to do that” “👀 the nice russian lady on youtube”

overall a very relaxing experience

he’d probably end up filming w you again because of how smoothly it goes

well done jeong yunho

❥ kang yeosang

does not have the slightest clue what the fuck he’s doing but he’s already quiet and gentle so you wouldn’t be able to tell

the very definition of fake it til you make it!

anyways you’d also probably have to film a semi-crackhead video with him to keep him engaged

yk the crush on 9 fast tapping relay thing w his 3 friends? i imagine that but w yeosang

maybe not the same exact concept, but like you’d definitely make something with the same relaxed “just playing around w my friends :)” energy

that being said yeosang is a package deal. if you have yeosang, at least one other member will make an appearance

but he’ll make sure it’s at least not the chaos lord wooyoung

idk his humor’s kind of underrated but it would definitely show in smth like that

like he’d actually produce good content, but his bloopers would be so funny that you can’t remove them, you just quiet them

the people would want him back anyways so he’d get better with time

10/10 recommend this mans as an asmrtist kq where’s the ateez asmr-

❥ choi san

i was looking for a certain gif of him from the woosan tingle interview and i was unsuccessful but you know what? this is just as good if not better because SAN

a lil too psyched for this relaxation joint but issokay, he cute

y’all probably make some type of ear cleaning video bc remember how excited he was when they gave him the earpick 🥺 

very focused on sound quality

squeaks whenever he makes a somewhat unpleasant sound

gets shiber into the video as an object to make triggers with

probably gets tingles somewhere along the way and just giggles to himself. it’s a little loud but please don’t edit it out

can and will recite ateez intros/outros. like he’ll just be vibing petting shiber then suddenly he’s leaning into the mic and just

“the freezing winds may make us-” he starts shaking shiber to emphasize his point “-shiverrr”

and what can you do but smile when all that separates you from the only man ever is a binaural mic?

one of the members whose end video is actually super high quality

❥ song mingi

clueless. there are three question marks floating above his head at all times

like he’s actually trying, he’s just big and loud

follows you around like a lost puppy

tries VERY hard to copy whatever you do and it’s VERY cute

phases in and out of whispering but completely on accident, he’s lost

like yunho, actually has a nice soft speaking voice once he figures that shit out

cute smile when he’s actually producing good content

honestly tho for mingi to stay engaged you might have to play some sort of game 

the video would probably be one of those “guess the trigger” games

like the one co9 made w his one friend? yeah that

mingi would end up with the chicken toy though

you’d have a lot of bloopers bc he either hits something/talks too loud/laughs but it’s okay, we stan song mingi!! and you know he wasn’t nearly as bad as a certain sagi groupmate he has!!!!

❥ jeong wooyoung

my good nctzens, my fellow grass, you know the jsmr jeno filmed w jaemin that absolutely went to shit? that’s what you’re filming with wooyoung. 

he’s jaemin, obviously

you’re probably gonna film some type of cooking asmr so he’s not BREATHING DIRECTLY INTO THE MIC

PLEASE don’t bring the electric mixer PLEASE make him whisk the batter like a “real man”

you probably get a shot somewhere along the way of him tossing an ingredient wrapper into the stratosphere or several

will lean into the mic to bring up a random tmi he remembered, all while breathing VERY heavily “ATINY DO YOU WANNA HEAR MY YOSHI IMPRESSION”

when he does that too he probably phases in and out of whispering in his excitement. your ears? wasted. 

probably whisper yells too

the video ends up really short because wooyoung is too chaotic for this type of thing. record a normal cooking video with him next time, please.

❥ choi jongho

actually relaxed, even gets the art of not breathing at the mic down very quickly and picks up filming tricks along the way

but since he’s still part of the chaos line you’d film something like the gibi/marno/goodnight moon collabs.

50% asmr misc. roleplay, 50% comedy film

an apple would make its way into the video YES he’ll break it

but far enough from the the mic that it doesn’t break you ears

and mr jongho is the master of keeping a straight face. the one pulling the stupid shit would be both of you, but ALL your noise cuts would be because YOU laughed, not him

maybe if you two had a brain this would’ve been the most successful endeavor but nope y’all take “no thoughts, head empty” way too seriously for that to happen

anyways stan choi jongho, aka my fav grocery store

❅♩♬♩❅――

[macgyvertape]

50 or so hours into Cyberpunk 2077

This should be roughly the correct amount of time, ive been leaving the game running as I get up to get food or do stretches. Quests are roughly in order I did them

non spoilers above cut:

 i haven't found a single hat/helmet i like, and since you can't hide them I just am not wearing any. It matters that much.

I posted the other day about bugs, every few hours I play I find new bugs. some require me to go back and reload a save others I honestly can’t tell if it’s a bug or just really poor development

there are several perks that don’t quite do what the description says, like the Anamesis perk. Based on reddit and trying it out it seems to just not do anything.

sometimes in car chase segments the passenger will say “look out” as cars spawn in my path and hit me. Can’t tell if that was deliberate or a pop in issue

Yeah I’ve just totally given up on doing pacifist things unless required by a mission. Given up on doing stealth too unless a mission objective, except for sneaking around to set up a fight.

:readmore:

the delemain car quest is fun. From the shock of the one going "beep beep motherfucker" and doing a hit and run to start it off, to the GLADOS car i see a lot of people talking about. It was fun to explore the city when i might have missed places like the landfill apparently there is follow up on T-bug's death if you go back to the quick hack shop in Kabuki. It's not much but better than nothing I made the pass with Panam of "what if the room just had one bed". I know she won't do a wlw romance, which is fine since I wouldn’t have chosen her.  I enjoy her as a character, don’t get me wrong, my V considers her as a friend, but it seems like theres always drama going on which would be tiring. I would have gone for a fling, i like her leotard-pants combo with all the straps

but also her questline was buggy as hell. Multiple cases of having to reload due to clipping into objects, including her in a driving section, or just insta-dying when collision physics with some rocks broke "your neural network can no longer function independantly of the chip" me slapping my desk: s y m b i o te!!! come on lets have some s y m b i o s i s

in the scene with hellman i really liked how Johnny moved around the room. It made him feel like he was really there. it was hard to follow the convo as I left the room, i would not have understood it without subtitles. But i guess Takemura fucking waterboarded hellman. :|

lol I hope the dialogue is different b/c i refuse to smoke for Johnny

i am level 18 and still can't beat the first opponents in the fist fighting quest. ffs

I looked up the romances options so I went to do the I fought the law quest as soon as i got it. ACAB, but like I literally just met River Ward 2 minutes ago, and I really like him. His earring and cyborg eye, his big fluffy coat. I'm definitely gonna sleep with him Ok i like how when River Ward is dealing with the tiger claws if you interject it leads to a fight. It goes better if you follow his instructions and let him deal with it. Seriously I enjoy that sometimes its good to not pick a dialogue choice.

during the red queen club part, there was no dialogue over the phone. So i reloaded a save and got myself spotted and attacked. Then River showed up to help me <3 and it was more enjoyable having him there. I honestly am not sure if him not going to the club level is bug or not.

then uuuuuugh the worst of irl police "cops are my family" from Detective Han. Again ACAB "FRATERNITY OF CITY COPS RESEMBLES A [Nomad] CLAN NOT AT ALL" ok a few minutes ago i was complaining about bugs, but the character modeling in this game is good (when they're there). You can see body posture, characters jiggle their legs when they are nervous. Like I though character A was just throwing a cigarette on the ground, but then character B flinches back; I realize Char A threw it at B as a fuck you

I'm honestly curious if "I fought the Law" quest will have any impact later on. My choices were that I thought there was more going on than Holt being the only person behind this (based on how complicated the main questline heist is, and keeping an eye on some of the in game news), and told him not to take it to internal affairs, and I loved his response of how he doesn't give a shit what we think, he's doing it anyway.

In the elevator to report in, Johnny said "this muck is deeper than you think, tell them nothing", so i just said that the case was complicated. anyway i love how much of a sarcastic asshole V is

I thought i was being nonlethal with the monk quest, but it seems i accidently killed someone. RIP, but thats kind of the problem with this game. Like when i do the non lethal cyberpychosis quests I equip my non lethal modded gun and hope for the est. I like how a go here kill things quest led to Charles the ripperdoc. He's getting all his parts from scav gang members so I felt obligated to take him out. I got a police bounty for it but w/e.

I merged the Delemain fragments with the whole. Guess he's the meta now. (Side note: some of my favorite rvb fanfic plots are Ai consiousness/memory merging with the humans, so I’m having fun with this game and look foward to introspective fanfic)

Honestly Jonny made some good points, the fragments didn't deserve to die; but also destroying the core and freeing the fragments, they couldn't really function alone.

I was able to rescue Saul fine with stealth. Using cameras and the synapse overload really made it easy.  Can't use the sniper rifle reward b/c I don't have the stats for it, and while it has a silencer the fact that it's a ricochette weapon and not a shoot through walls weapons, makes it not as good imo; and theres a legendary one that is stats free for only 100k.

Lol made a pass again at Panam, and she immediately shut me down. I then did Mitch's quest and I love every time someone tells V they area  good person.

I hacked the operation carpe noctem shard, and wow the corporations are using ai to make people have cyberpsychosis, or something like that. What a shocker /s, I've played Deus Ex HR before

lol driving through the unifinished interstate, past the fight from Panam's first quest I found a "batcave" with a very nice car, and a manifesto written by "muckman'. But here's my complaint about the loot, there is a legendary top, but it had 16 armor. My current top has 84 armor, like why would i switch?? then later i found a bunker with soviet spies in it. Wild

Doing River's second quest, love the timing of as soon as you ask, why are we breaking in, someone shows up to tell you he got kicked off the force. It's funny how Johnny comments how maybe River's into you, and V just doubts Johnny's words. Love how the first kid asks River if I'm his girlfriend. also wow like oof both the second parts of Judy and River's quest are SUPER fucked UP!! oof like i stopped doing first person mode on the braindances for those quests as soon as i could, just made me too uncomfortable seeing that in first person.

DRIVING IN THE GAME IS BAD! nowhere is it more apparent than the sinnerman quest, which took me 3 times to get the driving section done, as cars spawned out of nowhere to hit me. Then when you restart, there is a bunch of dialogue it doesn't let you fast forward through. The rest of the Sinnerman questline is interesting. My V took every option to tell the dude that he was messed up, and what he was doing was wrong. idk, I was surprised how much dialogue there was that let you buy into his whole "forgiveness thing" and how there wasn't any real dialogue to call him the fuck out, that in seeking forgiveness he continues to do harm both emotional to the mother of the man he killed, but also that he got the husband killed via cop. The later follow up quest, I told him that what he is doing is crazy, studio is just going to profit off this vid. Then I refused to join him prayer, and told him fuck no i wasn't going to hammer him to the cross, or even watch. Yes, the man is scared of dying, and the corporation is exploiting him, but he keeps creating burdens for others.  I think the discussion on this quest will be interesting to read, it's definitely my own personal experience with religion coloring my view. Anyway back to a main quest, yeah i don't trust Placide, especially in that scene where he grabs my hand, then jacks in. I ran off to do most of the sidequests here and got some criticism from him. I do love how in the cinema the western movie switches to a mission brief as the netwatch agent talks. its a fun enviromental detail.  I took the netwatch offer, i don't think he's being fully honest with me, but he didn't put a virus in my head. As I told Placide later, I didn't pick a side. I like how you can then talk with the agent, who is a fan of Western movies, b/c they show "a simpler time where all good guys carry badges" :eyeroll:, and then V recommends Unforgiven, which from the wiki summary goes against that theme.

Looks like the Voodoo boys all got killed by Netwatch, but I as revenge for them trying to set me up I'm fine with it. Honestly after speaking with ai!Alt I don’t believe their plan of trying to be on good relations with AI would work. 

doing the johnny flashback 2, and wow Johnny really is an asshole. Like I had gotten so used to him in side missions I forgot how self centered and unlikable he was.You constantly get prompts to drink or do drugs, which I ignored. But i do love the goth/punk love Rogue and others have.

lol i called it, when Hellman said that the engram would seek to override the host, put V on the engram. I really like how as the relic malfunctions, you wind up in the chair with a cigarette, which you can either smoke and say you are turning into Johnny or throw away. My dialogue "your problem is the ends justify the means", which is true!!! He and Rogue detonated a nuke downtown, does anyone know that, and like ask Rogue about it????

(Funny you can ask Rouge about Johnny silverhand, over the phone, then the game bugs out and spawns her npc where you are. She doens't say much about the nuke, but she does say no one trusts you for jobs). The line of no one trusting you for jobs is pretty funny at level 46 street cred where im at “respected” status. really loving the family atmosphere at River's 3rd quest. Also his big strong arms, and the fact he is no longer a cop. I totally let the kids win, and wow the family dinner where they GRILL YOU over the relationship and try to set the two of you up, then the water tower scene!!!!! I don't love the first person sex cutscenes but they do have personality. I'm glad afterwards you got to tell River about the biochip and that you might die. Because he's so far removed from your personal plot. So I took that option to back out of a relationship.

I do love that you wake up with "river's tanktop" that says "fuck the police" It actually has extremely good armor stats, so thats what I'll wear now.

panam 3rd quest, when shes like why did you help me, I'm like "because it's important to you". Basically the closest you can get to "when a friend asks for help you help them", which as an ex-nomad backstory I really choose the nomad options when ever i can Paralezes quest part 2! I love the piano song but I always think of it as ocean's 11 music. It's also fun to see the computer and see Judy recommended you for the first quest. The emails talk about "forgetting" to hire a staffer, on the balocony a strange antennia was scannable, the color of the roses was remembered wrong...  lol guess i was right with those giant wall screens. Its fun environmental details that spell things out before you can notice, and it ties into some other quests where people's behavior is being altered. Actually, this quest "Dream On" I love it! For a while I've been like "wheres the illuminati conspiracy! Here it IS! I chose to follow Elisabeth's wishes and not tell her husband he was being brainwashed. In best case they program him to forget again, in worst case he ends up dead. The gaslighting Elisabeth described is CHILLING, her husband describes a vacation she can't remember and she doesn't know whose memories have been messed with. On your way to the plaza you get a call from someone/something that says the know exactly WHAT you are, any you black out!!! It's such a great feeling of helplessness that you're just one person in a world so big that you can't fight every power. As Johnny said, could be a corporation, could be a rogue ai, either way Jefferson is fucked (and so are you).

[ancient-bruises-ancient-moon]

ok SO I got an anon I wasn’t gunna respond to but I'm enjoying a vegan chocolate banana cookie dough thc/cbd infused smoothie I invented so fuck it, let’s do this

this isn’t gunna be eloquent at all and I hope what im intending to say comes off correctly. may not, my brain is mush- but here we go!

so last night/technically this morning I reblogged a lot from this brilliant intersexism blog. (highly recommend giving a follow!) which led to...a bizarre ass anon this morning (I'll make another post linking to her blog so ya’ll can follow. she doesn’t need to deal w/ this post after everything else she deals w/ on here- unless u want to ofc!! hi ur cool! ANYWAY...)

I don’t remember the exact wording but it was something like “so ud rather have sex w intersex ppl over trans ppl??”

ummm. I literally never said shit about sex w/ intersex ppl?? like, ever.

was that supposed to be some huge “gotcha!!” ??

‘cause it didn’t work, at all.

1. my body is not a democracy

2. why r ya’ll obsessed w sex as validation

3. ur rly gunna ask me, essentially, if I'd rather be intimate w a deranged narcissistic reality denying manic OR a person with an intersex disorder...and u rly think I'm gunna be like OH NO I’D RATHER HAVE SEX W A MANIAC???

like...it’s rly not ab sex at all but did u RLY think that was gunna work in ur favor somehow?? and if u did, why did u think so? could it be bc u use intersex ppl as pawns for ur arguments but then don’t actually consider them ppl that can be in loving and intimate relationships? do u rly think this is activism? do you feel no shame?? you should be fucking embarrassed. this is so embarrassing for you. 

something ya’ll don’t realize: I worked at a center that offered therapeutic services, std testing, & peer activity groups for lgbtiapqbdsmnlmnop folxxxx

I know how ya’ll speak to your therapists, to your peers when you think no one is listening, I watch ya’ll take credit for things u did NOTHING for, I've watched your violence against anyone who disagrees with you (INCLUDING about tv show characters...like, come on..) Adult trans women using fake IDs to try to get into youth events...and then get MAD AT ME when I have to kick A WHOLE ASS HALF DRESSED MAN GRINDING ON THE FLOOR out of an event for CHILDREN... this is beyond just Tumblr. you’re also like this irl. and often, somehow, even fucking worse.

I had far less intersex clients BUT ya know who wasn’t throwing tantrums, being violent, trying to take credit for things they didn’t do, starting fights, sneaking into events to get near minors?? my intersex clients! NOT ONCE. AND  let’s be real...my intersex clients had good fucking reason to be furious and there were absolutely times that I would not have blamed them in the slightest for slapping tf out of someone...but they didn’t. not once. (ngl tho if they did I would have “not seen” what happened tbh bc I am a very responsible adult lmao- I can say this now bc I left the field so it matters not at all for my career)

ya know who would stay after hours, silently crying in rage bc of the shit trans clients said to them? my intersex clients (the big one was trans ppl telling them they’re lucky they get to ~~choose~~ their sex)

ya know who took the time to use open activist hour to build presentations to teach the LARGELY ENTIRELY INEPT staff (myself included, more below) about intersex issues so the people who come after them can get better help than they were able to receive?? I'll give you one guess. 

I left academia and working in the field w/ ppl bc of my experiences at this place & the direction this tender gender trender shit is taking academia. Intersex people deserve so much fucking better than even having to HEAR this bullshit. I would only go back into the field to work with women & intersex individuals. Probably as a volunteer though, but I digress

I worked there when all these new words were coming out too like demisexual android identified diaper baby or whatever the fuck lmao and the trans clients would be FURIOUS when anyone didn’t know wtf it meant

and in contrast our intersex clients were constantly explaining shit to staff/interns/volunteers about their conditions that they should never have had to explain TO THE PROFESSIONALS WHO WERE THERE TO HELP THEM. and I can’t even lie and pretend I fucking knew much, I didn’t. I was hired without even knowing i’d be working w intersex clients- I just needed to show I knew some trans buzzwords. but I put in the time to learn, I read every book any client recommended, any article they emailed me- but honestly that STILL ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!!!! I should NOT have been hired!!! MY BOSS should not have been hired!!! Actually, the only staff members that actually deserved their job was an gay intersex man. OT but he was so cool and smart and hilarious and like FUN ANGRY like idk how to explain that better lol he was good at getting u pumped up ab shit & good at getting ppl worked up enough to DO something. The only other staff member who actually cared and knew anything was a lesbian woman (of course) but she had recently had a baby and became so afraid for the welfare of her wife and daughter that she went along w trans shit that she KNEW was delusional and unhealthy bc we SAW these trans clients being violent on the Regular. we were legally obligated to call the cops several times. she wasn’t wrong to be afraid but I do think she should have tried to work elsewhere if she could no longer do her job with integrity but that’s a conversation for another day.

agh im just gunna end this post now bc I can rly go on and on but I'll leave the post with this question that I'd very much like an answer to:

how can we as activists be of better service to our intersex sisters? this issue is becoming more and more pressing and I can’t sit back and do nothing for them anymore. does anyone know of intersex only orgs that need volunteers or have suggestions?? PLS LET ME KNOW. I won’t go back to where I was but there’s GOTTA be SOMETHING I can do for the intersex community. let’s figure it out <3 this issue very seriously needs the attention of radical feminists tbh so...let’s do something.

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Things

Was scrolling through my blog yesterday (because who doesn’t scroll through their own blog?) and realized that I haven’t done a life update/list of random thoughts in awhile and I honestly like to look back at them and be reminded of where I was in life at different times + it’s a good way to flesh out my thoughts

So! I guess we can start with law school-I have heard back from 8 out of 9 schools and I have incredibly mixed feelings, I have only been accepted to two schools, and they were two safeties, I have been waitlisted at FOUR and straight rejected from 2 (will go into more details once I have finalized my decisions). Honestly I feel like the two schools that appear to be my options right now in a weird backwards way really are the best choices (at least for my mental health and happiness) because they are in the locations I prefer by far BUT I have also felt a LOT of stress because the legal field is one that places a LOT of emphasis on where you went to school and it seems like if you aren’t at a T-14 you might as well get out now...it’s ironic because when I was applying to undergrad I was so crazy about wanting to go to the school with the best name and seem impressive and when I first started the law school process I just wanted to go where I would be happy and then I found out how much the name matters and I was like wait what no go back. BUT, the schools I have gotten into have AMAZING programs for my specific field soooo Idk, it’s all a give and a take, yeah they aren’t the most prestigious school in the world but they have incredible opportunities for what I want to do and I think that matters too. I’m going to go visit both of them in the next month or two and I’m excited

^also, like I said, mixed emotions. even though I feel like the schools I got into truly are where I will be happiest, I have been feeling a LOT of disappointment in myself for essentially feeling like I ~failed~ in my quest to get into these other schools. I am a super type A high achiever and honestly the past year has been very out of character for me. Sure on paper I did a ton of cool shit and traveled a lot and now I’m working in an impressive position I suppose but I have just felt...off. Like giving 100% of my effort to something is pointless and I have no desire to, and I don’t like that! that’s not me! at the same time I know the admissions process is literally a game. Half the time schools don’t let you in because they think they are your safety and you’re too good and you won’t actually come so they don’t want to waste their space on you, the other half of the time they really aren’t your safety and they are an amazing school but they know that even if you are good enough to get into them, then you’re probably good enough to get into other amazing schools and again, you won’t actually come. IT IS REDICULOUS. and then of course sometimes you really just aren’t good enough but I am SURE that some of my schools are playing this game which on the one hand makes me feel better about myself because wtf is there for me to do in that situation but on the other hand....WTF.

^^also, also I listened to a podcast months ago that someone here actually recommended about the LSAT and they mentioned how big of a deal your score is in determining if you are admitted to a school or not and I 100% believe it. I think my score is a large part of why I’ve had the outcome I have. And that sucks. Because my score is good enough to get me really, really good scholarships to most schools, but not quite good enough to get me into the best schools. And I want to get into those schools. Also I lost my mind studying for that test and I literally just had a bad day on the test day. I never have test anxiety but at the end of the first section I got overwhelmed and just blew it. And that’s what really kills me. I spent months studying, preparing, devoting SO much time to get a score that was literally exactly the same as what I got on my first practice exam. And it was just because I had a bad day.

But it be like that sometimes I suppose!

Okay anyway....so yeah law school things are almost done and I’m honestly really just excited to know where I will end up...also where jared will end up. So far he has been accepted to 2 PhD programs which is really, really exciting because they are HARD to get into...and I think he will get into more because he is a great candidate. It’s crazy to think that we will be long distance for at least 3, maybe 6 years...it’s crazy to even think that it would be possible to be long distance for 6 years because like wtf. I feel like an idiot even thinking that. But in all honesty we have no idea what could happen and it could be much shorter than that or maybe we aren’t even The Ones for each other but...crossing all of these bridges when we get to them. 

Keeping on the subject, living together has been really, really hard if I’m being honest. Sharing a small space with another person...sharing a BEDROOM has been rough because so much of me managing my mental health comes from alone time and having a chance to process things and recharge (also I’m an only child so....alone time). Also, like I’ve said, working at the same place is nice in some ways but it means were are together sooooooooo much of the day (not actually when we are working but on the way to work, way home, never being home really when the other one is at work because we commute together, etc.). It’s been a tough adjustment. I feel like moving in with your partner can be hard and nobody talks about it so hello world here I am talking about it.

but at the same time it sucks because I keep feeling like I Need To Enjoy Every Second Of This Right Now because we are going to be apart for 34234112412424 years

But living together aside, jared is still just as incredible and wonderful and loving as ever and I appreciate him so much

It’s also kinda crazy that we only have like 2 months left here and they are SO busy. I think we only have 4 weekends that we are both here at the same time with no other plans. Because he has 2 grad school visits, I have 2 law school visits, he has to travel for a family event, his parent’s are visiting one week, my mom is visiting one week, etc. And we still have so much to cross off of our california bucket list 

That being said I think we might take a few weeks to road trip around the west coast in may because 1. I want to travel a lot this summer and 2. we are here 3. there is so much to see out here and a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want to take an entire trip to see in the future but places I would want to spend a day or two visiting

Think: California national parks, OR, WA, vancouver, etc. Depending on where we both end up going to school aka where the car needs to get to we have talked about driving through canada a bit/the northern U.S. (I’m looking at you glacier national park)

But it’s all very up in the air (much like our lives) so we shall see!

Food stuff....idk, I’ve felt stressed just because my anxiety in general has been high and that applies to food because food is part of my life but overall I know I am in a good place, or at least I am continuing the general upward trajectory. I was looking through old food posts on here and realizing so many places where I have come so far even in just a year. A few examples- I honestly love beer and wine (and whiskey) and I enjoy going to breweries or opening a bottle of chilly white wine to have with dinner once in awhile or ordering a fancy cocktail, and I think enjoying alcohol is fun! and normal! and for so long I told myself I didn’t like to drink because I was so scared of the calories in alcohol and how it didn’t have any nutritional value and was a ~waste~ but it is fun and social and often delicious and I don’t stress about it and I enjoy it when I want it and I don’t have it when I don’t! I think college is also just weird because alcohol use is often just about Getting Drunk whereas as you age I feel like you are more often drinking because something sounds good or because it’s a holiday or w/e. Idk it just isn’t as drastic if that makes sense. Other food things that have changed- I used to be so scared of burritos specifically and now I literally eat them all of the time because they are delicious. There are others but this is already so long so I’ll leave ya with those. 

Another related food thing- I feel like I used to be so stressed about food because I was terrified of gaining weight (I guess? I don’t even think it was that I think it was just about being in control.. but anyway) but now I feel like most of my food stress just comes from the fear of feeling uncomfortable- i.e. it’s saturday and 3pm but I feel antsy about eating lunch so late because I don’t want to not feel hungry at dinner time. I have SO much more trust in my body and I literally never worry about it changing in a drastic way because....your body does not really want to change in a drastic way unless you are doing something drastic (or it needs to change to be healthy) in the first place

wow who knew I had so much to say I’ve been typing for like 20 mins and don’t feel like I’ve even gotten into the exciting little details but I should probably stop now because SOMEONE is gonna read this and I don’t want your eyes to fall out of your head (or my fingers to fall off)

[dillydedalus]

what i read in january

too many books....

the unwomanly face of war, svetlana alexievich (tr. from russian) oral history of soviet women who served in ww2 (whether as soldiers, pilots, field nurses, laundresses etc, plus partisans) - interesting and harrowing, but honestly (& this just comes with the format i guess but it still made the book less enjoyable for me) pretty repetitive. 3/5

my sister, the serial killer, oyinkan braithwaite dark & snappy novel about beautiful ayoola, who has a habit of killing all her boyfriends, and her resentful but protective older sister korede, who always ends up cleaning up after her - until ayoola starts dating the man korede is in love with. not suuuper substantial, but an entertaining, twisty read with some hidden depths and great dark humour (ayoola about her trip w/ a boyfriend: ‘it was fine.... except he died’). 3.5/5

the private memoirs & confessions of a justified sinner, james hogg (uni) fucking wild ride of a book about (and mostly narrated by) a young calvinist radical who believes that, like, since he is one of the elect of God and his place in heaven is guaranteed no matter what he does, he might as well DO SOME MURDER!!! it’s fun, the theology is absurd, and one of the main characters (our young calvinist’s shapeshifting friend) is probably the devil! 4/5

friday black, nana kwame adjei-brenya collection of mostly speculative/dystopian short stories, some of which work very well, some of which don’t really. the stories based on racism in america are mostly very good, satirically heightening current issues to absurd levels while still feeling true. some others are not as good, including one where a man talks to the ghosts of the fetuses his girlfriend just aborted (like. bad.) the last story, a post-nuclear-apocalypse groundhog day type thing, is brilliant and i almost wish he’d turned into a novel/novella instead. 3.5/5

mythologies, roland barthes god, i wish french crit was always as fun as roro ‘kill the author’ barthes making fun of the myths of american evangelicalism and french imperialism. 3/5

moon of the crusted snow, waubgeshig rice set in a northern canadian first nations reservation, where one autumn, electricity, communications etc. fail. when no news (or scheduled deliveries of food etc) come from the south, the community has to figure out how to get everyone through the winter, relying increasingly on traditional survival skills. quiet & reflective twist on the post-apocalypse/social collapse narrative; occasionally the writing is a bit clumsy, but i’d still recommend it. 3.5/5

the haunting of hill house, shirley jackson a psychological haunted house story, more quietly disturbing than downright scary, but i really enjoyed the way the characters interact with each other and the visceral wrongness of hill house. also interested if anyone has done a queer reading bc i def feel like there’s some subtext between eleanor and theodora that plays into the horror (time to check jstor). and i just love jackson’s style of writing. 4/5

tentacle, rita indiana (tr. from spanish, i read the german translation) weirdo dominican queer post-apocalyptic time travel book involving yoruba/voodoo mysticism, time travel via anemone, art collectives, a trans protagonist who is the chosen one, destined to save the ocean, and a mention of einstürzende neubauten (automatic 0.5 point bonus). really cool! there is a lot of sexual & gendered violence so uh. that’s something to be aware of. 3.5/5

the orenda, joseph boyden ugh. so this is a historical novel set in 1600s northern america, centred around the huron/wendat nation and three characters: the wendat warrior bird, a jesuit missionary called christophe who lives among the wendat, and the young iroquois girl snow falls, who is... forcibly adopted?? by bird to replace his murdered family. interesting concept and a promising first third or so, but unfortunately the book is way too long, the characters and their relationships seemed shallow and their development was more Told than Shown to me, and it just never really came together for me. plus, halfway through i found out that boyden has apparently been either greatly exaggerating or completely making up his own native heritage so uh. bad. 1.5/5

nichts was uns passiert, bettina wilpert smart & very precisely observed story about an alleged rape in a lefty/academic social circle. anna claims jonas raped her at a party, while jonas says the sex was consensual. anna eventually goes to the police and as rumours begin to spread, the people around them begin to take sides and try to figure out how to deal with this thing that Does Not Happen To Us (the title) and is definitely not Done by People Like Us. in a smart twist, this is presented as testimonies collected by an unnamed first-person narrator who questions jonas, anna, their friends and family, which i found very effective as a narrative tool, making everything just ambiguous enough. ends on a legalese gutpunch. 4/5

o caledonia, elspeth barker lovely dark book about janet, outcast at school and in her family, always too intense, too earnest, too clumsy, as she grows up first in wartime edinburgh and then in an old house in the scottish highlands, feeling at home only among animals and the wild & harsh & romantic landscape. lyrically written, sometimes morbid and grim (the book opens with janet murdered at 16 y’all), but often funny and bittersweet as well. loved it! 4.5/5

espedair street, iain banks look, this is a novel about a burnt-out rockstar looking back on his rise to fame and wild life, which is like. incredibly unappealing to me from the beginning. tho i gotta give props to banks for managing to make me at all invested in this story with good writing & well-engineered weirdness - so i guess i need to read something from him where the very premise does not make me roll my eyes. 2/5

eiger dreams: ventures among men & mountains, jon krakauer i would never willingly go mountain-climbing but i sure am highkey obsessed with reading about it. this is a collection of short essays about mountain climbing, some about krakauer’s own experiences (trying to climb the eiger nordwand etc), some about special areas of climbing, infamous climbers etc, and krakauer is a good writer & funny dude (don’t smoke weed in your tent while on an expedition lmao). krakauer says in his foreword that “most climbers aren’t in fact deranged, they’re just infected with a particularly virulent strain of the Human Condition”, which is a great sentence, but based on this and into thin air it seems like that’s in fact the same thing! 3.5/5

fool’s errand (the tawny man #1), robin hobb y’all. i missed my silly silly son fitz who is now significantly older than me, and i was immediately captivated even tho the first 200 pages are mostly fitzy’s Hermit Homesteading Routine with Occasional Visitors. i loved that shit. i loved fitz being reluctantly-but-maybe-not-that-reluctantly being caught in court intrigue & schemes again even more. anyway, hobb’s strength as always is amazing characterisation that makes every character immediately seem real & rich and the relationships between those characters, which are nuanced and fraught and painful and wonderful (also when will fitz & the fool kiss JESUS). also it made me cry a lot about nighteyes, so well done there. 4/5

anyway i am now forcing myself to not just abandon all else and just speed thru tawny man but i really really want to so everything else is going quite slowly 

[soysaucevictim]

Poofed again.

-

Mar 2:

I’ve been up since about 7:11 AM.

I’ve mostly spent my day watching/listening to YouTube vids and gaming. :P

So I got my exercise in a bit later than ideal, but I got it done.

First, yesterday’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. Rain-checked on this because my energy levels was really only up for my main workout's cardio. Was contemplating on breaking this up, even now, but glad I pressed on. Counted 249 reps, but heels stopped making consistent contact in the last ~20-50 reps. Oof. :U

Second, today’s DD. 60 scissors with EC. Got a smidge distracted today, but at least it's done on the due date. Pffft! Anyways, I like "crunch" variations where I can keep my head on the floor. :,D

Third, Day 18 of the FCP. Strength training. This was just manageable, relatively anaerobic so I didn’t feel quite as harried as yesterday. Tried to be more mindful about my squatting form - since I’ve noticed a few instances of knee complaints the last few times of ‘em. I think my knees were happier with me. Punches were fun as always~

Last, Day 18 of the TYTC. Simple and fun. Did get a bit of a head rush on the way up from the toe touch - probably a bit dehydrated or something (I did probably have too much sugar and salt for the day).

-

Mar 3:

Woke up ~11AM. And I spent most of the day watching YouTube and playing some games. Did also play some cards with family and made dinner.

Only exercise I managed to get done was the DD. 60 bicep extensions with EC. This was a fun way to wake up today! Nice to have a breezier DD at times. :D

Did attempt Day 19 of the FCP... I’ll just copy the tweets I made about it:

HHHHh- I hate holding elbow planks for longer than like a minute. Was only able to will myself through one set of this before going "Fuck it. I'm doing this one tomorrow. I just don't have the energy rn."

Midway into Set 2 I dropped my knees a few times but just kinda stopped at that point. My head just wasn't in the game. (While I'm glad this was going to be only 3 sets - I just yeah. Gdi, man. But I'm not abt to give up on this program, so help me.) :/

Part of why I feel not so great abt this kinda exercise was that time I tried to do the 5' [elbow] Plank Challenge. A bit >2' IS my failure point / PB. Where I can just feel myself pushing way too damn hard. So doing 3 sets of that with little rest is toeing the line of NOEP.

The whole ETD thing ALSO doesn't help me feel too comfortable with the idea of forcing me past that wall, too. I just need to remind myself - counting this day, there's only 2 more plank days in the program. If I can get through them - I'll be ok.

-

Mar 4:

Was up proper at around 10AM (got up a bit earlier but was too tired/sleepy to stay up). Almost same story as the day prior. Gaming, YouTube, showered, and did some laundry. So I was a little more productive.

Like yesterday, all I could make myself do was the DD again. 2′ side splits with EC. This was a fun one! Legs did start trembling near the end, but doing a few half jacks as warmup was very helpful and enjoyable too!

Ran into the same wall with FCP, today. I expanded on my thoughts/feelings about it on Twitter again.

Tried yesterday's workout again. STILL hit the same wall. I just. I'm legitimately upset. I'm tempted to table this program entirely. I just. Can't make myself do this. Maybe in the future? But not rn. Almost a third of the way left and it hurts emotionally.

Especially given how very MANAGEABLE the rest of this damn program is and has been. I wish I could find SOME way to frame this elbow plank shit in a way that helps sustainably. I'm angry, mostly at myself, I really don't want to give up again.

I'm trying to tell myself, failure is a learning opportunity and not the end of the world (which is actually too hyperbolic a sentiment in this case). But shit like me somehow scraping through the first plank day makes me go "how the fuck did I do that." soysaucevictim.tumblr.com/post/182889402… Reading that makes me wonder if I should just modify this day's workout in some way. Just to get through the damn thing with some credit. I know DAREBEE is all about accessibility and they don't hold it against you if you do need to modify. I've done it before.

Question remains, how would I go about it. Do I... - Allow knees to drop occasionally - Make some of the planks full planks (arms straight) - Or extend the rest periods out (tho FC's structure is about active rest - not sure how sustainable even slow jacks are gonna be)

Wound up spending time after those tweets just putting away laundry and getting notes together for my appointment tomorrow.

-

Mar 5:

Been up since almost 8AM. Was busy today... and super exhausted after everything.

Was picked up to get to my doctor appointment this morning. Voiced various concerns. Got a prescription [or really a recommendation, since it was OTC] for some earwax clearing solution, since it turns out there was some notable buildup and it probably contributed to ETD and tinnitus symptoms. (Amongst a few other things, but this helped to give me some clarity.)

Got to the facility... and experienced a panic episode over almost losing my Miniday Log to Excel crashing and unsuccessfully recovering it on it’s own. Couldn’t find it in the directory and noticed a few TMP files (with random strings of letters and numbers as filenames) in it’s place (date modified clued me into what I was actually looking at). Telling Excel to Open & Repair managed to be the fix. I was so relieved to’ve figured it out.

Doing the DD afterwards did help to calm my nerves a good deal (as well as Jewel Quest & socializing). 2′ leg extensions with EC (”donkey kicks”). Doing this DD also helped me feel a bit less restless afterwards. I counted exactly 100 reps, this time. A few false starts because I needed to cushion my knees, one being bruised from previous injuries. But yeah, I did enjoy doing this one.

Next, went to my psychiatrist appointment. Which went well enough, especially after some clarity from previous doctor’s appointment. As a  few of my concerns for both overlapped a bit. We decided to stay the course.

Got home a bit late, got hella distracted by the usual, and determined that I was too damn exhausted to workout. (Used the ear drops a couple times, spaced out. That was fucking weird in the sensory department - but I felt it helpful!)

-

Mar 6:

Been up since about 2PM (did get up some hours earlier, but decided I was too tired to stay up, esp after meds and breakfast.)

I spent almost my entire day playing games and watching YouTube. But I was goaded into playing some cards and I did get in my exercise for the day.

First, today’s DD. 20 supermen with EC. Rather late. I just wound up getting distracted by games... but got this one done without any issue.

Second, Day 19 of the FCP. The dreaded plank work. I decided I would allow myself to be okay with dropping my knees if I felt I had to. Did better than the past few attempts, got about halfway into the last set before I had to do that. I think too, that the ear drops helped. Acceptable performance. :P

Third, Day 20 of the FCP. Tendon strength work. Honestly the only tough part was the frontal holds, as opposed to the lateral ones. But as usual, I greatly enjoy this type of workout! :D

Last, Days 19+20 of the TYTC. Breezy fun, as usual. I like doing this challenge a bunch! =w=

I don’t feel like wrestling with my phone (yesterday it shut down constantly) to meditate tonight. Will be winding down soon.

[xellandria]

Hey more medical stuff!

Early last week (this week? I think it still counts as this week actually, it was like Sun-Mon-ish) I started getting pain in my chest.  I’ve had similar pain before, but it was pretty sporadic so while I kept an eye on it in case it persisted or got worse, I’ve never called my doctor about it (though I have mentioned it whenever they ask).  It seemed to be brought on by movement (though not out-of-the-norm movement, just stuff like standing up and going to the bathroom or making food) and happened frequently enough earlier in the week that on Tuesday afternoon I called my doctor to schedule an appointment (and got rerouted to a nurse, because chest pain can be Serious Shit™); while I was on the phone I started getting super nauseous as well, and eventually ended up posting out of raid and going to sleep.  The next day (well, night) the pain was bad enough that I spent most of the night trying to find a good angle to sleep at; I went to bed at 11pm initially and gave up trying to sleep at anything less than 90° at about 3-4am, and didn’t ultimately fall asleep ‘til about 9:30.

Doctor’s appointment was at 1:15 so I woke myself up at 11:30 to get ready; they gave me/had me do an EKG and everything looked fine on that; my pulse was high but it’s always high (I typically sit at ~110 bpm resting, which is ridiculous but w/e) and the ultimate ruling was that it was [fancy word for “you pulled a rib muscle somehow” as far as I can tell]; heat and/or cold on the affected area, advil/tylenol (I forget which she recommended), and if I felt like it I could double what I was taking for one of the meds she initially gave me for my foot thing and that wouldn’t hurt either.  Well, and the usual “exercise, lose weight, eat better, etc. etc. etc.” that she can’t help mentioning every time I’m in there.

Turns out we don’t own a hot water bottle or anything, so both parents (separately) recommended I use those little chemical reaction hand warmers, as we’ve got a lot of them.  The ones we have are kind of old and don’t get super hot, but evidently they get hot enough as at one point yesterday(?) I woke up with one of them having slid down into my bra and burned me so I’ve got a big ol’ blister there now.  Turns out you’re both not supposed to use them in direct contact with your skin AND you’re not supposed to sleep with them, who knew? (certainly not me, as I’m never cold enough to warrant their use lol)  Anyway I tried wrapping them in a towel instead and not enough heat penetrated the towel to make it worth the effort so I just soaked the towel in hot water and that wasn’t enough heat to make a difference either.  Cold also doesn’t seem to be effective, for what that’s worth.

If the pain (when it pops up—it’s not a constant thing) is still going by the end of the weekend I’m going to call my doctor again and see if there’s anything else we can do; Rachel seems to be especially worried about it and I sure as hell can’t blame her for that given both how dismissive my doctor tends to be of things that I tell her and that I’m dubious of it being a muscle thing as well (was willing to accept it when the EKG came back super normal, but muscle issues do generally respond to temperature changes and this isn’t).

She (my doctor, that is) also poked me in various places and was like “is it tender here? here? here?” and like, it was a general “pain everywhere” day so yeah pretty much everywhere she touched me hurt; she is now under the impression that I also suffer from fibromyalgia but she is choosing not to follow up on that right now (come on dude I need you to follow up on something) so that’s another “it’s suspected that I have [X] but I’ve never been officially diagnosed” thing to add to my ever-increasing roster of medical garbage.  Looking it up later that’s another one of those “you gotta rule out everything else first” conditions (like the lymphedemia) so I guess I can understand, but it’s super frustrating to have to append an asterisk to everything I say about the state of my health.

In the middle of all this acute/semi-acute/chronic-but-attempting-to-actually-deal-with-it health stuff, I fell off my medication regimen pretty hard, and every time I’ve attempted to go back on it, bad things have happened.  I thought it was just the Metformin that was doing it to me, but I took everything BUT the metformin this morning at around 8-9 and around one I was vomiting my guts out again... so I’ve gotta figure out what else in my regimen requires me to titrate up on it.  I’ve thrown up more in the last month or so than I have in the ten years preceding and while I’m pretty sure it’s all medication-based, there’s that seed of doubt that, you know, all the big scary heart conditions list nausea and vomiting as one of the symptoms...

[proxylynn]

Underfell: File Name not Edgy Enough #12

Chapter 12: GASTER

WARNING: I WANT NO RESPONSIBILITY OVER SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS. THAT BEING SAID, THIS IS HOW FILE NAME NOT FOUND WOULD FUNCTION IN THE AU OF UNDERFELL. BEFORE YOU READ THIS, UNLIKE THE NICE TIME OF UNDERTALE, THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED. THIS STORY WILL BE GRAPHIC, GORY, USE SWEARS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, AND DEAL WITH SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERS. FOR EXAMPLE, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ THE FILE NAME RELOCATED SPOOF WILL KNOW HOW I PICTURE THIS VERSION OF LYNSIE COMING TO THE UNDERGROUND. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING DUMB. IT IS BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO END HER LIFE. SO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I MADE IT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LET SOME OF THIS EDGINESS OUT OF MYSELF. WHICH I GUESS MAKES UNDERFELL LYNSIE EVEN MORE TRUE TO WHO I REALLY AM. ANYWAY, ENJOY. ^_^

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[One long but really quick chat and drink at Grillby's later]

"whoa, whoa, whoa...back that up for me one more time. she planned this out with who?"

Sans is confused by what Grillby has told him. But all the flame monster could do was shrug.

"I've told you all I know and all she told me. She said her brothers helped her."

"her brother is on the surface. and she only has the one."

Grillby smirks.

"don't look at me like that. she told. i didn't ask to know."

"Right...Either way, I doubt she meant her human brother."

"the flower is still only one."

"Hey, I'm only telling you what she told me. And she said 'brothers'."

Sans sighs.

"does this other 'brother' have a name?"

"She called him by a weird name. Chara I think? He was the one that saw you snooping."

That made Sans flinch faintly.

"impossible."

"Why's that?"

"because there was no one else there."

"She said no one can see him."

"a ghost?"

"Ghosts can be seen, Sans. Hell, that one family of them took up that area in Waterfall."

Sans holds his skull in his hands.

"this doesn't make any sense."

"What's there to overthink? She has an imaginary friend. Big whoop."

"not that. the name."

"What? Chara? What's so weird about that?"

Sans rubs his temples.

"that name...that was the name of the kid the King took in."

Grillby's professional calm falters.

"W-What?"

Sans tries to think harder on this. What did any of this mean?

"she lives with the queen, but i don't think tori would actually talk about heavy shit like her kids. it would open old wounds. so how...how does she know that name?"

A memory comes to the confused skeleton. A past conversation he had with the human.

"You have a brother?"

"just one. and you?"

"Human or monster?"

"um...both?"

"On the surface, I got an older bro and a younger sis. Down here, I consider Flowey like a bro. Not sure how old he is. Oh! Do ghosts count? 'Cause I got this spooky little kid that talks to me sometimes too."

"uh...what?"

"Eh, but enough about me. I've been prattling on for too long as it is. I wanna hear about you. This bro of yours got a name or am I digging too deep for my own good down here?"

That simple bit in their chat. He paid it no mind at the time. But now? Now he sees the hints inside.

"Sans? You okay?"

The flaming bartender's voice snaps Sans out of his thoughts.

"huh? oh. yeah. just thinking i got some more questions for that girl."

"When you do question her, will you be bringing her here?"

Sans looks at Grillby funny.

"now why would i do that?"

"Because...I might want to mess around more with that silly pussycat."

Sans gets off his stool and tries to ignore Grillby's teasing tone.

"well...i better get going. pap will be pissed if he catches me missing from my post."

"Want one for the road?"

Grillby dangles a mustard bottle temptingly and Sans smirks.

"how much do i owe ya this time?"

"Ow. That hurts. This one's on the house."

Sans cocks his brow at Grillby as he takes the bottle.

"free? why so generous?"

"I consider the entertainment of that girl to be very rich. I recommend you bring her over more and I might continue my generosity to, oh let's say, your tab."

"...i...i might see what i can do."

Sans teleports to escape the creepy grin Grillby gets just thinking about it.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself..."

So speaks Punk Hamster between drinks who sits at the end of the bar.

"I haven't seen you this giddy since those girls got wild on lady's night."

Grillby sighs at the memory.

"That was a wild night. So glad I put up those cameras. Bitches tried to deny all the damages they caused. But I get what you're saying. I am feeling a bit more...heated than normal."

"You don't think you're starting to carrying a torch for the little lady?"

Grillby snorts at the very idea.

"Please...I'm a monster, not a pig. Sure, I haven't been with someone in a while. But that doesn't mean I'm going to rush over and snatch any female that walks by."

Punk Hamster snickers.

"Heh...Well, that's kind of what you did."

Having walked into that, Grillby sneers and takes Punk Hamster's glass.

"Hey! I wasn't finished with that."

"Any decent bartender knows when a patron has had too much."

"Ah, come on man. It was a joke."

Grillby ignores him by going about his job, leaving Punk Hamster to lose his buzz and snack on nuts.

[Meanwhile: Back with the human]

Urgh...My head is pounding. I feel nauseous. The hell happened?

"🕈☜☹☹ ☠⚐🕈📬📬📬✡⚐🕆 ☹⚐⚐😐 ☹✋😐☜ ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌👎 ✌ ☝⚐⚐👎 ❄✋💣☜📬" (WELL NOW...YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.)

Oh great. Now I have to deal with him.

"Hey, G. Um...What happened?"

Gaster chuckles.

"☟✌✞✋☠☝ ❄☼⚐🕆👌☹☜ ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼✋☠☝✍ ☠⚐❄ 💧🕆☼🏱☼✋💧✋☠☝📬 ✡⚐🕆🕯✞☜ ☠☜✞☜☼ 👌☜☜☠ ✋☠❄⚐✠✋👍✌❄☜👎 👌☜☞⚐☼☜📬" (HAVING TROUBLE REMEMBERING? NOT SURPRISING. YOU'VE NEVER BEEN INTOXICATED BEFORE.)

"Wait...So I did get drunk? I didn't get...weird...Did I?"

"☠⚐📬 ✡⚐🕆 💣☜☼☜☹✡ ☟✌👎 ✌☠ ✋☠👍☼☜✌💧☜ ✋☠ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧☜☠💧☜ 💣✋☼❄☟" (NO. YOU MERELY HAD AN INCREASE IN YOUR SENSE MIRTH.)

"So...I was just a giggling idiot?"

"🏱☼☜❄❄✡ 💣🕆👍☟📬" (PRETTY MUCH.)

I snicker at that.

"Heh...Playful drunk. That's the best outcome that could've happened."

"✌☞☼✌✋👎 ✡⚐🕆 🕈☜☼☜ ☝⚐✋☠☝ ❄⚐ 👌☜ 💣⚐☼☜ 🏱☼⚐💣✋💧👍🕆⚐🕆💧✍" (AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE MORE PROMISCUOUS?)

"Oh yeah. I don't want to end up being slutty drunk. Way too much can end up happening and I'd have no clue of any of it."

"✌☝☼☜☜👎📬 ✋❄ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 👌☜ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 💧☟✌💣☜ ✋☞ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ 🕈☜☼☜ ❄⚐ ☟✌🏱🏱☜☠ ❄⚐ ✡⚐🕆 ⚐☼ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧⚐🕆☹📬" (AGREED. IT WOULD BE SUCH A SHAME IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU OR YOUR SOUL.)

That tone he had didn't slip by my "well that's not good" radar. That has my senses on alert. After Chara's super weird warning, I'm a little on edge around him. Though part of me still wants to be kind and trust him.

"I've never asked this, and you don't have to answer if I'm being rude for asking, but...How did you end up here?"

He seems to be slightly taken back by the question. Yet he is quick to recover his composer like normal.

"✋❄🕯💧 ☠⚐❄ 💣✡ ☞⚐☠👎☜💧❄ 💣☜💣⚐☼✡📪 👌🕆❄ ✋❄ ☟✌🏱🏱☜☠☜👎 ☠⚐☠ ❄☟☜ ☹☜💧💧📬" (IT'S NOT MY FONDEST MEMORY, BUT IT HAPPENED NON THE LESS.)

He motions me closer and I do, all be it with what I hope is the subtlest hint of my nervousness.

"✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ ☟☜💧✋❄✌☠❄📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜📬 🕈☟✡✍" (YOU'RE HESITANT, LITTLE ONE. WHY?)

"What? No. I'm just still messed up from liquor. I don't want to fall or barf on you."

He eyes me a bit but appears to let my behavior slide.

"✞☜☼✡ 🕈☜☹☹📬 ✡⚐🕆 💣✌✡ ☠⚐❄ ☝🕆☜💧💧 ✋❄ ☞☼⚐💣 ❄☟☜ ☹⚐⚐😐💧 ⚐☞ 💣☜ ☠⚐🕈📪 👌🕆❄ ✋☠ 💣✡ 🏱☼✋💣☜📪 ✋ 🕈✌💧 ⚐☠👍☜ ❄☟☜ ☟☜✌👎 💧👍✋☜☠❄✋💧❄ ❄⚐ ❄☟☜ ☼⚐✡✌☹ ☞✌💣✋☹✡📬" (VERY WELL. YOU MAY NOT GUESS IT FROM THE LOOKS OF ME NOW, BUT IN MY PRIME, I WAS ONCE THE HEAD SCIENTIST TO THE ROYAL FAMILY.)

"Really?"

"✡☜💧📬 💣✡ ☞🕆☹☹ ❄✋❄☹☜ ✋💧 👎☼📬 🕈📬 👎📬 ☝✌💧❄☜☼📬" (YES. MY FULL TITLE IS DR. W. D. GASTER.)

"Initials?"

"✋❄🕯💧 💣✡ ☞✋☼💧❄ ☠✌💣☜📬 ✋❄ 💧❄✌☠👎💧 ☞⚐☼ 🕈✋☠☝👎✋☠☝📬" (IT'S MY FIRST NAME. IT STANDS FOR WINGDING.)

I tilt my head when something in my head clicks with that name.

"Wingding? Like the font?"

He nods.

"👍⚐☼☼☜👍❄📬" (CORRECT.)

He watches as the gears turn in my head and I am literally unsure about asking that which I know.

"☝⚐ ⚐☠📬 ✌💧😐 💣☜📬 ✋ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✡⚐🕆 🕈✌☠❄ ❄⚐📬" (GO ON. ASK ME. I KNOW YOU WANT TO.)

"Sans and Papyrus...Are you...related to them?"

The cocky grin smearing his face is chilling.

"✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ ✞☜☼✡ ✌💧❄🕆❄☜ ❄⚐ 🏱✋☜👍☜ ✋❄ ❄⚐☝☜❄☟☜☼ ☞☼⚐💣 ☺🕆💧❄ 💣✡ ☠✌💣☜ ✌☹⚐☠☜📬 ✋ 👍⚐💣💣☜☠👎 ✡⚐🕆 ☞⚐☼ ❄☟✌❄📪 ☟🕆💣✌☠📬 ✋☠👎☜☜👎📪 💧✌☠💧 ✌☠👎 🏱✌🏱✡☼🕆💧 ✌☼☜ 👌⚐❄☟ 💣✡ 😐✋☠📬 ✋☠ ☞✌👍❄📪 ❄☟☜✡ ✌☼☜ 💣✡ ✡⚐🕆☠☝☜☼ 💧✋👌☹✋☠☝💧📬" (YOU'RE VERY ASTUTE TO PIECE IT TOGETHER FROM JUST MY NAME ALONE. I COMMEND YOU FOR THAT, HUMAN. INDEED, SANS AND PAPYRUS ARE BOTH MY KIN. IN FACT, THEY ARE MY YOUNGER SIBLINGS.)

Initially, shock has me for the most part. But soon puzzlement takes over.

"But...Sans said he only has one brother."

"❄☟✌❄🕯💧 👌☜👍✌🕆💧☜ ☟☜ 👎⚐☜💧☠🕯❄ ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼ 💣☜📬 ☠⚐ ⚐☠☜ 👎⚐☜💧📬 ✌❄ ☹☜✌💧❄📪 ☠⚐❄ ☜☠❄✋☼☜☹✡📬" (THAT'S BECAUSE HE DOESN'T REMEMBER ME. NO ONE DOES. AT LEAST, NOT ENTIRELY.)

"Care to make sense out of that?"

"☝☹✌👎☹✡📬 ✡⚐🕆 💧☜☜📬📬📬✌💧 ❄☟☜ ☼⚐✡✌☹ 💧👍✋☜☠❄✋💧❄📪 ✋ 🕈✌💧 ☝✋✞☜☠ ❄☟☜ 👍☟✌☠👍☜ ❄⚐ 👎⚐ 💣✌☠✡ 🕈⚐☠👎☼⚐🕆💧 ❄☟✋☠☝💧📬 ✋ 👍☼☜✌❄☜👎 💣✌☠✡ ⚐☞ ❄☟☜ ☠☜👍☜💧💧✋❄✋☜💧 💣⚐☠💧❄☜☼💧 ☠☜☜👎 ❄⚐ 💧🕆☼✞✋✞☜ ✋☠ ❄☟☜ 🕆☠👎☜☼☝☼⚐🕆☠👎📬 💣✡ ☝☼✌☠👎☜💧❄ ✌👍☟✋☜✞☜💣☜☠❄ 🕈✌💧 ✌☠👎 ✋💧 💧❄✋☹☹ ❄☟☜ 👍⚐☼☜📬 ✌ 💣✌👍☟✋☠☜ 👍✌🏱✌👌☹☜ ⚐☞ ☟✌☼☠☜💧💧✋☠☝ ❄☟☜ ☝☜⚐❄☟☜☼💣✌☹ ☜☠☜☼☝✋☜💧 ⚐☞ ❄☟☜ ✞☜☼✡ 🏱☹✌☠☜❄ ✋❄💧☜☹☞ ✌☠👎 👍⚐☠✞☜☼❄✋☠☝ ✋❄ ✋☠❄⚐ 💣✌☝✋👍✌☹ ☜☠☜☼☝✡📭☜☹☜👍❄☼✋👍✋❄✡📬" (GLADLY. YOU SEE...AS THE ROYAL SCIENTIST, I WAS GIVEN THE CHANCE TO DO MANY WONDROUS THINGS. I CREATED MANY OF THE NECESSITIES MONSTERS NEED TO SURVIVE IN THE UNDERGROUND. MY GRANDEST ACHIEVEMENT WAS AND IS STILL THE CORE. A MACHINE CAPABLE OF HARNESSING THE GEOTHERMAL ENERGIES OF THE VERY PLANET ITSELF AND CONVERTING IT INTO MAGICAL ENERGY/ELECTRICITY.)

"Most impressive."

"🕈☟✋☹☜ ❄☟✌❄ ✋💧 ✌ ❄☼🕆☜ 💧❄✌❄☜💣☜☠❄📪 ✋❄ 🕈✌💧☠🕯❄ 💣✡ 🏱☼✋💣✌☼✡ 💧❄🕆👎✡📬 ☠⚐📬📬📬💣✡ 💣✌✋☠ ☼☜💧☜✌☼👍☟ 🕈☜☠❄ ✋☠❄⚐ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ ☞✌☼ 💣⚐☼☜ ☞✌💧👍✋☠✌❄✋☠☝ ✌☠👎 ☼☜✞⚐☹🕆❄✋⚐☠✋☪✋☠☝ ❄☟✌☠ 💧✋💣🏱☹✡ 💧⚐☹✞✋☠☝ ☜☠☜☼☝✡ 👍☼✋💧☜💧 ⚐☼ ✈🕆✌☠❄✋☞✡✋☠☝ ❄☟☜ 💣✡💧❄☜☼✋☜💧 ⚐☞ ❄☟☜ 🕆☠✋✞☜☼💧☜ ✋☠❄⚐ ✌☠ 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎✌👌☹☜ ☞⚐☼💣✌❄📬 ☠⚐📬📬📬💣✡ ❄☼🕆☜ 🏱✌💧💧✋⚐☠ ✋💧 👍⚐💣🏱☹☜❄☜ 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎✋☠☝ ⚐☞ 💧⚐🕆☹💧📬 ✌☠👎 💧🕆👍☟ 🏱✌💧💧✋⚐☠ ✋💧 ☟⚐🕈 ✋ ☜☠👎☜👎 🕆🏱 ✋☠ ❄☟✋💧 ✞⚐✋👎📬" (WHILE THAT IS A TRUE STATEMENT, IT WASN'T MY PRIMARY STUDY. NO...MY MAIN RESEARCH WENT INTO SOMETHING FAR MORE FASCINATING AND REVOLUTIONIZING THAN SIMPLY SOLVING ENERGY CRISES OR QUANTIFYING THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE INTO AN UNDERSTANDABLE FORMAT. NO...MY TRUE PASSION IS COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF SOULS. AND SUCH PASSION IS HOW I ENDED UP IN THIS VOID.)

Creepy vibe alert! Red flag warning!

"Souls?"

"⚐☟📪 ✡☜💧📬 ✋ ☞✋☠👎 ✋❄ 💧⚐ ✋☠❄☜☼☜💧❄✋☠☝ ❄☟✌❄ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ 💧⚐ 💧💣✌☹☹ ✌☠👎 ☞☼✌☝✋☹☜ 👍✌☠ ☟⚐☹👎 ✋💣💣☜✌💧🕆☼✌👌☹☜ 🏱⚐🕈☜☼📬 ✌☠👎 ❄☟☜ ✞☜☼✋❄✡✍ ☜✌👍☟ 💧⚐🕆☹📪 💧⚐ 👎✋☞☞☜☼☜☠❄ ✌☠👎 ✡☜❄ ☺🕆💧❄ ✌💧 🏱⚐🕈☜☼☞🕆☹ ✌💧 ❄☟☜ ☼☜💧❄📬 🕈☜☹☹📬📬📬✌☹💣⚐💧❄📬" (OH, YES. I FIND IT SO INTERESTING THAT SOMETHING SO SMALL AND FRAGILE CAN HOLD IMMEASURABLE POWER. AND THE VERITY? EACH SOUL, SO DIFFERENT AND YET JUST AS POWERFUL AS THE REST. WELL...ALMOST.)

He gets to my curiosity.

"What do you mean by almost? Are some souls more powerful than others?"

He smiles wickedly and my skin starts to crawl.

"✡☜💧📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜📬 ❄☟☜ ☼☜👎 💧⚐🕆☹ ⚐☞ 👎☜❄☜☼💣✋☠✌❄✋⚐☠ ✋💧 ⚐☠☜ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 💧⚐🕆☹📬 💣✌☝☠✋☞✡✋☠☝ ❄☟☜ ⚐🕈☠☜☼💧 🏱⚐🕈☜☼ ❄☟☜ 💣⚐☼☜ ❄☟☜✡ ☼☜☞🕆💧☜ ❄⚐ ☝✋✞☜ ✋☠📬" (YES, LITTLE ONE. THE RED SOUL OF DETERMINATION IS ONE SUCH A SOUL. MAGNIFYING THE OWNERS POWER THE MORE THEY REFUSE TO GIVE IN.)

"That is interesting. But I get the feeling this is leading to something."

That apparently was the bait he was hoping I'd take. Because within seconds, he has my wrists locked in two disembodied hands and holds me off the ground to the point we're at eye level with one another.

"*snarl* This is not a move that a wise man makes, G. This is the kind of thing that pisses me off and I make you regret it."

That smug grin never falter.

"✌☹🕈✌✡💧 💧⚐ 👌☜✌💧❄☹✡ 🕈☟☜☠ ✡⚐🕆 🏱☜☼👍☜✋✞☜ ✡⚐🕆☼💧☜☹☞ ❄⚐ 👌☜ ✋☠ 👎✌☠☝☜☼📬 💧🕆👍☟ 🕆☠👌☜👍⚐💣✋☠☝ ⚐☞ ✌ ☹✌👎✡📬" (ALWAYS SO BEASTLY WHEN YOU PERCEIVE YOURSELF TO BE IN DANGER. SUCH UNBECOMING OF A LADY.)

"Let me go and I will consider not adding to those cracks in your skull."

"✞☜☼✡ 👍🕆❄☜📬 👌🕆❄ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✋☠ ☠⚐ 🏱⚐💧✋❄✋⚐☠ ❄⚐ ❄☟☼☜✌❄☜☠ 💣☜📬" (VERY CUTE. BUT YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO THREATEN ME.)

"We'll see about that."

I jerk my legs to kick but they don't move. Two more disembodied hands grip around my ankles.

"☹✋😐☜ ✋ 💧✌✋👎📬📬📬✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✋☠ ☠⚐ 🏱⚐💧✋❄✋⚐☠ ❄⚐ ❄☟☼☜✌❄☜☠ 💣☜📬" (LIKE I SAID...YOU ARE IN NO POSITION TO THREATEN ME.)

"You cocky son of a breastbone."

That takes a moment to sink in before he laughs.

"☟☜☟☜☟📬📬📬☝⚐⚐👎 ⚐☠☜📬 ❄☟✌❄ 🕈✌💧 ✌☹💣⚐💧❄ ☞🕆☠☠✡📬 👌🕆❄ ☠⚐❄ ✈🕆✋❄☜📬" (HEHEH...GOOD ONE. THAT WAS ALMOST FUNNY. BUT NOT QUITE.)

"What are you planning? In the very least, don't let it be something pervy."

He looks unamused.

"👎⚐ ☠⚐❄ ✌👍👍🕆💧☜ 💣☜ ⚐☞ 👌☜✋☠☝ 💧⚐💣☜ ☹⚐🕈☹✡ 💧👍🕆💣👌✌☝📬 ✋☞ ✋ 🕈✌☠❄☜👎 ❄⚐ ☟✌✞☜ 💣✡ 🕈✌✡ 🕈✋❄☟ ✡⚐🕆📪 ✡⚐🕆 🕈⚐🕆☹👎🕯✞☜ 👌☜☜☠ ✞✋⚐☹✌❄☜👎 💣🕆👍☟ 💧⚐⚐☠☜☼ ✋☠❄⚐ ⚐🕆❄ 💣☜☜❄✋☠☝💧 ✌☠👎 ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ❄☟✌❄📬" (DO NOT ACCUSE ME OF BEING SOME LOWLY SCUMBAG. IF I WANTED TO HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU, YOU WOULD'VE BEEN VIOLATED MUCH SOONER INTO OUT MEETINGS AND YOU KNOW THAT.)

"Then what is this all about?"

"✡⚐🕆 ✌💧😐☜👎 ✋☞ ❄☟☜☼☜ 🕈☜☼☜ 💧⚐🕆☹💧 ❄☟✌❄ 🕈☜☼☜ 💧❄☼⚐☠☝☜☼ ❄☟✌☠ ⚐❄☟☜☼💧📬" (YOU ASKED IF THERE WERE SOULS THAT WERE STRONGER THAN OTHERS.)

"And you said the Red Soul of Determination."

"✋ 👎✋👎📬 👌🕆❄ ✋ ☟✌✞☜ ☞⚐🕆☠👎 ✌ 💧⚐🕆☹ ☞✌☼ 💧🕆🏱☜☼✋⚐☼ ✌☠👎 💣🕆👍☟ 💣⚐☼☜ ✋☠❄☜☼☜💧❄✋☠☝ ❄☟✌☠ ❄☟☜ ☼☜👎 💧⚐🕆☹📬" (I DID. BUT I HAVE FOUND A SOUL FAR SUPERIOR AND MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN THE RED SOUL.)

I sigh.

"Let me guess. Mine."

"☠⚐🕈 ✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ ☺🕆💧❄ ❄✌😐✋☠☝ ❄☟☜ ☞🕆☠ ⚐🕆❄ ⚐☞ ✋❄📬" (NOW YOU'RE JUST TAKING THE FUN OUT OF IT.)

Before I'm able to rebuke that with a rather scathing set of choice words, he places his actual hand on my chest and I become a rather flustered mess.

"Take your fucking hand off!"

"🖂💧✋☝☟🖂 🕈☟✌❄ 🏱✌☼❄ ⚐☞ ✋🕯💣 ☠⚐❄ ☝⚐✋☠☝ ❄⚐ 👎⚐ ✌☠✡❄☟✋☠☝ 💧👍✌☠👎✌☹⚐🕆💧 👎⚐☠🕯❄ ✡⚐🕆 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎✍ ☟⚐☠☜💧❄☹✡📪 ✋ ❄☟⚐🕆☝☟❄ ✡⚐🕆🕯👎 ☼☜✌👍❄ 👎✋☞☞☜☼☜☠❄☹✡ ❄☟✌☠ ❄☟☜ ⚐❄☟☜☼💧📬 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 🏱✋❄✡📬 ☠⚐🕈 ✋☞ ✡⚐🕆 ☺🕆💧❄ ☼☜☹✌✠📬📬📬" (*SIGH* WHAT PART OF I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING SCANDALOUS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? HONESTLY, I THOUGHT YOU'D REACT DIFFERENTLY THAN THE OTHERS. SUCH A PITY. NOW IF YOU JUST RELAX...)

Wait, what does he mean by 'others'? Before I can ask, a strange surge of energy floods into my chest and I roar out as this new type of pain worms its way inside me. A delightful sparkle comes to his eyes, like a child getting a new pet, he knows what's to come but there's enough mystery to get him excited.

"✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ ☼☜💧✋💧❄✋☠☝📬 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 👌☜ ✌ ☞⚐⚐☹📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜📬 ❄☟☜ 💣⚐☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧❄☼🕆☝☝☹☜📪 ❄☟☜ 🕈⚐☼💧☜ ❄☟☜ 🏱✌✋☠📬 ☞⚐☼ ⚐☠👍☜📪 👌☜ ✌ ☝⚐⚐👎 ☝✋☼☹ ✌☠👎 👎⚐ ✌💧 ❄⚐☹👎📬 ☼☜☹✌✠ ✌☠👎 ✌☹☹⚐🕈 ❄☟✋💧 ❄⚐ ☟✌🏱🏱☜☠📬" (YOU'RE RESISTING. DON'T BE A FOOL, LITTLE ONE. THE MORE YOU STRUGGLE, THE WORSE THE PAIN. FOR ONCE, BE A GOOD GIRL AND DO AS TOLD. RELAX AND ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.)

I shiver and hate that Gaster knows how to speak in such a way that it gets to me. His words tickle a part in my brain that is powerless to him. As much as my body screams to keep fighting this energy and deny him of what he's expecting, I am only a human. I'm a weak creature by nature. I give in. I give up.

"❄☟☜☼☜ 🕈☜ ✌☼☜📬 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ ☝⚐⚐👎 ☝✋☼☹📬" (THERE WE ARE. SUCH A GOOD GIRL.)

Seconds after allowing his magic to flow freely into my body, from out of the hole in his palm emerges the heart-shaped core of my being that is my very SOUL. Yet something isn't right. A soul is primarily a single color. Now I know mine is a bit odd as it tends to change its color instead of staying a single solitary color. But this? This was new and very unexpected. This SOUL was not one, two or even three colors. No. This thing was a swirl of multiple colors all sloshing about like clashing waves, each one seemingly colliding with the others for more space for itself, almost like the colors are fighting for dominance of the SOUL itself. And the colors themselves, so many of them. Orange, red, blue, yellow, green, light blue, purple, and black. Though very faintly, two more colors were drowning under these crashing waves. From the little bits that can be seen, it looked like white and...pink? What the fuck?

"☞✌💧👍✋☠✌❄✋☠☝📬📬📬✋🕯✞☜ ☠☜✞☜☼ 💧☜☜☠ ✌ ☟🕆💣✌☠ 💧⚐🕆☹ ☜✠☟✋👌✋❄ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ ✌☼☼✌✡ ⚐☞ ☜💣⚐❄✋⚐☠💧📬 👌☼✌✞☜☼✡📬 👎☜❄☜☼💣✋☠✌❄✋⚐☠📬 ✋☠❄☜☝☼✋❄✡📬 ☺🕆💧❄✋👍☜📬 😐✋☠👎☠☜💧💧📬 🏱✌❄✋☜☠👍☜📬 🏱☜☼💧☜✞☜☼✌☠👍☜📬 ✌☠👎 ❄☟✋💧 ⚐☠☜📬📬📬☼☜☹☜☠❄☹☜💧💧☠☜💧💧📬 ✞☜☼✡ ☼✌☼☜📬 ✋🕯✞☜ ☠☜✞☜☼ 💧❄🕆👎✋☜👎 ✌ ☼☜☹☜☠❄☹☜💧💧 💧⚐🕆☹ 👌☜☞⚐☼☜📬 ✌☠👎 🕈☟✌❄ ✌☼☜ ❄☟⚐💧☜ ❄🕈⚐✍ ❄☼🕆☹✡ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ☝⚐✋☠☝ ❄⚐ 🏱☼⚐✞✋👎☜ 💣☜ 🕈✋❄☟ 💣🕆👍☟ ☝☼☜✌❄☜☼ 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎✋☠☝ ❄☟✌☠ ✋ 👍⚐🕆☹👎🕯✞☜ 🏱☼✌✡☜👎 ☞⚐☼📬" (FASCINATING...I'VE NEVER SEEN A HUMAN SOUL EXHIBIT SUCH A ARRAY OF EMOTIONS. BRAVERY. DETERMINATION. INTEGRITY. JUSTICE. KINDNESS. PATIENCE. PERSEVERANCE. AND THIS ONE...RELENTLESSNESS. VERY RARE. I'VE NEVER STUDIED A RELENTLESS SOUL BEFORE. AND WHAT ARE THOSE TWO? TRULY YOU ARE GOING TO PROVIDE ME WITH MUCH GREATER UNDERSTANDING THAN I COULD'VE PRAYED FOR.)

This feels so weird, my chest hurts from the pressure of his hand and the forced emergence of my soul. The longer it's out the more it hurts. But my discomfort means little to him, if anything my reactions only seem to further get his interest.

"✋❄ 🏱✌✋☠💧 ✡⚐🕆📪 👎⚐☜💧☠🕯❄ ✋❄✍ ☟✌✞✋☠☝ ✡⚐🕆☼ ☹✋☞☜ 🏱🕆☹☹☜👎 ⚐🕆❄ ☹✋😐☜ ❄☟✋💧📬 ✋ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✋❄ 👎⚐☜💧📬 ✋❄ ☟🕆☼❄ ❄☟☜ ⚐❄☟☜☼ ☟🕆💣✌☠💧 ✌💧 🕈☜☹☹📬 💧🕆👍☟ ☞☼✌✋☹ ❄☟✋☠☝💧 ❄☟☜✡ 🕈☜☼☜📬 💧⚐ ☞🕆☹☹ ⚐☞ ☞☜✌☼📬 ☺🕆💧❄ ✌💧 ✋🕯💣 💧🕆☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ☠⚐🕈 ❄⚐⚐📬" (IT PAINS YOU, DOESN'T IT? HAVING YOUR LIFE PULLED OUT LIKE THIS. I KNOW IT DOES. IT HURT THE OTHER HUMANS AS WELL. SUCH FRAIL THINGS THEY WERE. SO FULL OF FEAR. JUST AS I'M SURE YOU ARE NOW TOO.)

I know I was resigned to just letting him do as he pleased before and honestly, I would've stilled allowed had he not said that. Fear? He thinks I'm afraid? Oh hell no! Who the fuck does he think he's dealing with here?! He's toying with me, like being a cat and thinking I'm a mouse. The hell I am! I won't give in. Not anymore. Not to fear and damn sure not to him!

"You bipolar manipulative fuckwad!"

He's taken back by my sudden snap. But his eyes never leave their locked on gaze from my soul, which is starting to stir a lot harsher now.

"You think this scares me? That YOU scare me? Papyrus scares me more than you. At least he makes his intent clear. He tells me without hesitation that he has no issues ending my life. You? You can't seem to pick whether or not you want to be all friendly or be an outright creepy asshole. So no. Fuck this. Fuck you. This bitch ain't taking this bullshit anymore!"

My soul beats loudly and fast. The swirl of colors hitting each other harder. Two beginning to show more predominately as they are more fueled at this moment. Red...and Black. But my verbal venom does nothing to phase him. He sees right through me, chuckling with amusement as he leans in closer and the tips of his fingers claw into my chest harshly.

"💧🕆👍☟ ✌ 👌⚐☹👎 💧🏱✋☼✋❄ ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜📬 ✞☜☼✡ ✌💣🕆💧✋☠☝📬 ✋ ☹✋😐☜ ✋❄📬 💣✌😐☜💧 ❄☟✋☠☝💧 💣⚐☼☜ ☜☠☺⚐✡✌👌☹☜ 🕈☟☜☠ ❄☟☜ 💣⚐🕆💧☜ ❄✌☹😐💧 👌✌👍😐📬 ✋ 👍✌☠ 💧☜☜ ❄☟✋💧 ✌💧 ❄☟☜ 💧❄✌☼❄ ⚐☞ ✌ ✞☜☼✡ ✋☠❄☜☼☜💧❄✋☠☝ ☜✠🏱☜☼✋💣☜☠❄📬" (SUCH A BOLD SPIRIT YOU HAVE, LITTLE ONE. VERY AMUSING. I LIKE IT. MAKES THINGS MORE ENJOYABLE WHEN THE MOUSE TALKS BACK. I CAN SEE THIS AS THE START OF A VERY INTERESTING EXPERIMENT.)

"I'm not your fucking lab rat, Gaster."

"✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ 🕈☟✌❄ ✋ 💧✌✡ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ 💧⚐ ☹⚐☠☝ ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆 ☼☜💣✌✋☠ ✋☠ ☟☜☼☜ 🕈✋❄☟ 💣☜📬 ✋🕯💣 💧❄🕆👍😐 ✋☠ ❄☟✋💧 ☼⚐⚐💣 ✌☠👎 ✌☹⚐☠☜ 🕈☟✋☹☜ ✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ ✌🕈✌😐☜📬 ✋❄🕯💧 👌☜☜☠ ✌ ✞☜☼✡ ☹⚐☠☝ ❄✋💣☜ 💧✋☠👍☜ ✋ 🕈✌💧 ☹✌💧❄ ✌👌☹☜ ❄⚐ ☟✌✞☜ 👍⚐☠❄✌👍❄ 🕈✋❄☟ ✌☠⚐❄☟☜☼ 🏱☜☼💧⚐☠ ⚐☼ 🏱☼☜☞⚐☼💣 ✌☠✡ 💧⚐☼❄ ⚐☞ 🕈⚐☼😐📬 ✌☠👎 ✌💧 ✌☠ 🕆☠😐☠⚐🕈☠ ✞☜☼✋❄✌👌☹☜📪 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✌☠ ✌☠⚐💣✌☹✡ ✋ 🕈✋💧☟ ❄⚐ ☜✠🏱☹⚐☼☜ ✌☠👎 🕆☠👎☜☼💧❄✌☠👎📬 🕈☟✌❄ ☜✠✌👍❄☹✡ 💣✌😐☜💧 ✡⚐🕆 ❄✋👍😐✍ ☟⚐🕈 👎✋👎 ✡⚐🕆 ☼☜🏱✌✋☼ ❄☟☜ ☺🕆😐☜👌⚐✠ 🕈✋❄☟ ❄☟✌❄ ⚐👎👎 ☝☹✋❄👍☟✍ 🕈☟✌❄ ✋💧 ❄☟☜ ☞🕆☹☹ ☜✠❄☜☠❄ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼ 💧⚐🕆☹🕯💧 🏱⚐🕈☜☼✍ 💧⚐ 💣✌☠✡ ✈🕆☜💧❄✋⚐☠💧 ✌☠👎 ✋ 🕈✌☠❄ ❄⚐📬📬📬☠⚐📬📬📬✋ 🕈✋☹☹ ☞✋☠👎 ⚐🕆❄ ❄☟☜ ✌☠💧🕈☜☼💧📬" (YOU ARE WHAT I SAY YOU ARE SO LONG AS YOU REMAIN IN HERE WITH ME. I'M STUCK IN THIS ROOM AND ALONE WHILE YOU'RE AWAKE. IT'S BEEN A VERY LONG TIME SINCE I WAS LAST ABLE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH ANOTHER PERSON OR PREFORM ANY SORT OF WORK. AND AS AN UNKNOWN VERITABLE, YOU ARE AN ANOMALY I WISH TO EXPLORE AND UNDERSTAND. WHAT EXACTLY MAKES YOU TICK? HOW DID YOU REPAIR THE JUKEBOX WITH THAT ODD GLITCH? WHAT IS THE FULL EXTENT OF YOUR SOUL'S POWER? SO MANY QUESTIONS AND I WANT TO...NO...I WILL FIND OUT THE ANSWERS.)

We glare deeply at one another. Sizing the other up, even though I'm clearly not going to win this. But it would be a cold day in hell if I'd let him treat me like some stupid lab experiment. I am no one's toy.

"...And if I refuse?"

"📬📬📬✋ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 🏱☼☜☞☜☼ ✡⚐🕆☼ 👍⚐⚐🏱☜☼✌❄✋⚐☠📬 ✋❄ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 💣✌😐☜ ❄☟✋☠☝💧 ☜✌💧✋☜☼ ☞⚐☼ 🕆💧 👌⚐❄☟ ✌☠👎 ☠⚐❄ 👎✋☹🕆❄☜ ❄☟☜ ❄☜💧❄ ☼☜💧🕆☹❄💧 🕈✋❄☟ ✡⚐🕆☼ ☠☜☝✌❄✋✞✋❄✡📬 👌🕆❄ ✋☞ ✡⚐🕆 ☼☜☞🕆💧☜ ❄⚐ 👌☜☟✌✞☜📪 ❄☟☜☠ ✡⚐🕆 ☼☜✌☹☹✡ ☹☜✌✞☜ 💣☜ ☠⚐ 👍☟⚐✋👍☜📬 ✌☠👎 ✋ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✌ ✞☜☼✡ ✋💣✌☝✋☠✌❄✋✞☜ ☝✋☼☹📬 ✋ 👎⚐☠🕯❄ ☟✌✞☜ ❄⚐ 💧✌✡ 🕈☟✌❄ ✋ 🕈✋☹☹ 👎⚐ 👌☜👍✌🕆💧☜ ✋ ☟✌✞☜ ☠⚐ 👎⚐🕆👌❄💧 ❄☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆 ☟✌✞☜ ✌☹☼☜✌👎✡ ❄☟⚐🕆☝☟❄ ⚐☞ ✌❄ ☹☜✌💧❄ ❄☜☠ 👌✡ ❄☟☜ ❄✋💣☜ ✋ ☞✋☠✋💧☟ 💧🏱☜✌😐✋☠☝📬" (...I WOULD PREFER YOUR COOPERATION. IT WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER FOR US BOTH AND NOT DILUTE THE TEST RESULTS WITH YOUR NEGATIVITY. BUT IF YOU REFUSE TO BEHAVE, THEN YOU REALLY LEAVE ME NO CHOICE. AND I KNOW YOU ARE A VERY IMAGINATIVE GIRL. I DON'T HAVE TO SAY WHAT I WILL DO BECAUSE I HAVE NO DOUBTS THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY THOUGHT OF AT LEAST TEN BY THE TIME I FINISH SPEAKING.)

"Twenty six actually."

"💣✡ 🏱⚐✋☠❄ ☼☜💣✌✋☠💧 💧❄✌☠👎✋☠☝📬 ☠⚐🕈 ✋ ✌💧😐 ✡⚐🕆 ❄☟✋💧📬📬📬🕈✋☹☹ ✡⚐🕆 ☟🕆💣⚐☼ 💣☜ 👌✡ ☝⚐✋☠☝ ✌☹⚐☠☝ 🕈✋❄☟ 💣✡ 🕈☟✋💣💧✍ ⚐☼📪 🕈✋☹☹ ✡⚐🕆 💣✌😐☜ ❄☟✋☠☝💧 🕈⚐☼💧❄ ☞⚐☼ ✡⚐🕆☼💧☜☹☞ 👌✡ 👌☜✋☠☝ ✌ 👌✌👎 ☝✋☼☹✍" (MY POINT REMAINS STANDING. NOW I ASK YOU THIS...WILL YOU HUMOR ME BY GOING ALONG WITH MY WHIMS? OR, WILL YOU MAKE THINGS WORST FOR YOURSELF BY BEING A BAD GIRL?)

I look at him funny.

"Dude, I want to take that seriously but...wow...That was the lamest way you could've said that."

He rolls his eyes and sighs.

"☟⚐🕈 ☟✌💧 🏱✌🏱✡☼🕆💧 ☠⚐❄ 😐✋☹☹☜👎 ✡⚐🕆 👌✡ ☠⚐🕈✍" (HOW HAS PAPYRUS NOT KILLED YOU BY NOW?)

"Because not even Pap wants to piss off Toriel."

He shrugs his shoulders.

"✡☜✌☟📪 ✋ 👍✌☠ 💧☜☜ ❄☟✌❄📬 ☠⚐🕈 👍☟⚐⚐💧☜✏ ❄☟☜ ☜✌💧✡ 🕈✌✡ ⚐☼ ❄☟☜ 🕈✌✡ ❄☟✌❄ ✋☠✞⚐☹✞☜💧 ✌ ☹⚐❄ ⚐☞ 🏱✌✋☠ ✌☠👎 ✌☹☹ ✌☼⚐🕆☠👎 🕆☠🏱☹☜✌💧✌☠❄☠☜💧💧✍" (YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT. NOW CHOOSE! THE EASY WAY OR THE WAY THAT INVOLVES A LOT OF PAIN AND ALL AROUND UNPLEASANTNESS?)

"You paint such a beautiful picture. Are you a poet?"

He doesn't like sarcasm, as evidence of his clawed fingertips digging in so hard that they start to break through to enter my flesh.

"✌☠💧🕈☜☼ 💣☜📪 ☹✡☠💧✋☜✏ ☠⚐🕈✏" (ANSWER ME, LYNSIE! NOW!)

"Easy way! Easy way! Fuck! I pick the easy way!"

Now with an answer of my hopeful cooperation, his fingers release their grip into my skin and he removes his hand from my chest. This lets my soul return to me and I can now feel slightly less violated.

"❄☟☜☼☜📬 ☠⚐🕈 🕈✌💧 ❄☟✌❄ 💧⚐ ☟✌☼👎✍" (THERE. NOW WAS THAT SO HARD?)

I sneer at him.

"I'm beginning to see the family resemblance. I don't know who's smugger. Sans, Pap, or you."

He scowls and makes the other hands disappear, dropping me on my shaky feet that almost buckle.

"🏱✌🏱✡☼🕆💧 ✋💧 ☼✋☝☟❄📬 ❄☟✌❄ 💣⚐🕆❄☟ ⚐☞ ✡⚐🕆☼💧 ✋💧 ☝⚐✋☠☝ ❄⚐ ☝☜❄ ✡⚐🕆 ✋☠ 💣⚐☼☜ ❄☼⚐🕆👌☹☜ ❄☟✌☠ ✡⚐🕆 🕈✌☠❄📬 ☹☜✌☼☠ ❄⚐ ☟⚐☹👎 ✡⚐🕆☼ ❄⚐☠☝🕆☜ 👌☜☞⚐☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧✌✡ 💧⚐💣☜❄☟✋☠☝ ❄☟✌❄ ✡⚐🕆🕯☹☹ ☼☜☝☼☜❄📬" (PAPYRUS IS RIGHT. THAT MOUTH OF YOURS IS GOING TO GET YOU IN MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU WANT. LEARN TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU'LL REGRET.)

I smirk, sticking out my tongue and taking hold of it.

"*mumble* Is this better?"

He looks at me deadpan and slaps his hand to his face.

"🖂💧✋☝☟🖂 ✋ ☟✌❄☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧⚐ 💣🕆👍☟ ☼✋☝☟❄ ☠⚐🕈📬" (*SIGH* I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW.)

I let my tongue go.

"You say that, but you know you're glad I come by. After all, it's like you said. You're stuck here, all alone with no one to talk to or interact with. You're lonely. It's understandable. It's why I don't hold this nutty side of you in the wrong. You're just a little awkward dealing with me. And I know I'm not the greatest human when it comes to rubbing you monsters the right way. I antagonize, sometimes on purpose. But do you know why I do it?"

"👌☜👍✌🕆💧☜ ✡⚐🕆🕯☼☜ 💧❄✋☹☹ ❄☼✡✋☠☝ ❄⚐ 😐✋☹☹ ✡⚐🕆☼💧☜☹☞✍" (BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?)

I snort a laugh.

"Nah, man. That sad part of me had it's chance and failed. I'm not brave enough to try meeting death again. Our long distance relationship will just have to continue. No...The reason I purposely bug the shit out of you boys is simply this...I like you."

Emotion leaves his face.

"You look confused. Let me explain. To strangers, I try to come off as normal. Letting them see the good in me and allowing them to make the choice of wanting to know more about me if they want. But when they do, when there are continued interactions, I let my real self come out more. The real me is kind. The real me likes to tell crude jokes. The real me will fight if something is wrong. The real me is a loyal friend once you earn my respect. And it's the real me you get when I see you trying to be real with me in return. That help make sense?"

He just stares at me for a minute or two. Just letting my words sink in. Then his composer returns.

"✡⚐🕆 👍☜☼❄✌✋☠☹✡ ✌☼☜ ✌☠ ⚐👎👎 ⚐☠☜📪 ✋🕯☹☹ ☝✋✞☜ ✡⚐🕆 ❄☟✌❄📬 👌🕆❄📬📬📬✋ 💧🕆🏱🏱⚐💧☜ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜☠🕯❄ ❄☟☜ 🕈⚐☼💧❄ 🏱☜☼💧⚐☠ ❄⚐ 👌☜ ✌☼⚐🕆☠👎📬" (YOU CERTAINLY ARE AN ODD ONE, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. BUT...I SUPPOSE YOU AREN'T THE WORST PERSON TO BE AROUND.)

I smile.

"Same, G. You can be a bit rough around the edges sometimes, but for real, who isn't? Yet if you try to hold that side back then I'll hold my more obnoxious traits back in turn. If you play the gentleman, I will not play the bitch. Sound fair, Dr.?"

I hold out my hand in a friendly manner. He looks at my hand and then me.

"What's the matter, G? Don't you know how to greet a new pal?"

For a moment, a small smile creeps onto his skull but is quickly replaced with his normal flat line and he shakes my hand.

"✡⚐🕆 ☼☜✌☹☹✡ ✌☼☜ ✌ 💧❄☼✌☠☝☜ ⚐☠☜📬 ✡☜❄📬📬📬💣✌✡👌☜ ❄☟✌❄🕯💧 ✌ ☝⚐⚐👎 ❄☟✋☠☝📬" (YOU REALLY ARE A STRANGE ONE. YET...MAYBE THAT'S A GOOD THING.)

"I'm glad we can be cool about this. Honestly, when you started being all creepy, I was beginning to believe the warning Chara gave me that you were not to be trusted."

Things go quiet and the room gets ice cold.

"🕈☟✌❄ 👎✋👎 ✡⚐🕆 💧✌✡✍" (WHAT DID YOU SAY?)

I feel like I just fucked up.

"❄☟✌❄ ☠✌💣☜📬 ☟⚐🕈 👎⚐ ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ❄☟✌❄ ☠✌💣☜✍" (THAT NAME. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT NAME?)

My continued silence does not please him. He grabs me by the throat with both hands and gets in my face. The rage in his eyes almost makes me piss myself.

"✋ 👎⚐☠🕯❄ 😐☠⚐🕈 ☟⚐🕈 ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ❄☟✌❄ 👌☼✌❄📪 👌🕆❄ ✌☹☹⚐🕈 💣☜ ❄⚐ 💣✌😐☜ ❄☟✋💧 ✞☜☼✡ 👍☹☜✌☼📬 ✋☞ ✌☠✡⚐☠☜ ✋💧 ☠⚐❄ ❄⚐ 👌☜ ❄☼🕆💧❄☜👎📪 ✋❄ ✋💧 ☟✋💣📬 👎⚐ ☠⚐❄ ❄☼🕆💧❄ 💧💣✌☹☹ 👍☟✋☹👎☼☜☠📬 ❄☟☜✡ ✌☼☜ ❄☟☜ 💣⚐💧❄ ☜✞✋☹ 👍☼☜✌❄🕆☼☜💧 ✡⚐🕆 🕈✋☹☹ ☜✞☜☼ ☟✌✞☜ ❄☟☜ 🕆☠☞⚐☼❄🕆☠✌❄☜ ❄✋💣☜ ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈📬 👎☜👍☜🏱❄✋✞☜ 💣✋☠👎💧 🕈✋❄☟ ☞⚐☼😐☜👎 ❄⚐☠☝🕆☜💧 ✋☠ 💣✋💧☹☜✌👎✋☠☝ 👌⚐👎✋☜💧📬 ❄☟✌❄ ✋💧 👍☟✌☼✌📬" (I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KNOW THAT BRAT BUT ALLOW ME TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. IF ANYONE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED, IT IS HIM. DO NOT TRUST SMALL CHILDREN. THEY ARE THE MOST EVIL CREATURES YOU WILL EVER HAVE THE UNFORTUNATE TIME TO KNOW. DECEPTIVE MINDS WITH FORKED TONGUES IN MISLEADING BODIES. THAT IS CHARA.)

"B-B-But he..."

"👎⚐ ✡⚐🕆 ❄☼🕆💧❄ 💣☜📪 ☹✋❄❄☹☜ ⚐☠☜✍" (DO YOU TRUST ME, LITTLE ONE?)

"I...I want to..."

"❄☟☜☠ ❄☼🕆💧❄ 💣☜📬 👎⚐ ☠⚐❄ 👌☜☹✋☜✞☜ 👍☟✌☼✌📬 ✋☞ ✋❄ 🕈☜☼☜☠🕯❄ ☞⚐☼ ☟✋💣📪 ❄☟☜ 🏱☼✋☠👍☜ 🕈⚐🕆☹👎 💧❄✋☹☹ 👌☜ ✌☹✋✞☜📬" (THEN TRUST ME. DO NOT BELIEVE CHARA. IF IT WEREN'T FOR HIM, THE PRINCE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE.)

I feel my face pale.

"Asriel?"

"✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ⚐☞ ☟✋💣 ❄⚐⚐✍" (YOU KNOW OF HIM TOO?)

His grip on me loosens and the rage in his eyes dims.

"✋ 🕈✌☼☠ ✡⚐🕆 ☠⚐🕈📬 🕈✋❄☟ ✌ 💧⚐🕆☹ 💧🕆👍☟ ✌💧 ✡⚐🕆☼💧📪 ✡⚐🕆 💧☟✌☹☹ 🏱☹✌✡ ✌ ☼⚐☹☜ ⚐☞ ✋💣🏱⚐☼❄✌☠👍☜📬 👎⚐ ☠⚐❄ ✌☹☹⚐🕈 💧🕆👍☟ ✌ ❄☟✋☠☝ ❄⚐ 👌☜ 🕆☠👎☜☼ ❄☟☜ 💧🕈✌✡ ⚐☞ 💧⚐💣☜⚐☠☜ ✡⚐🕆 😐☠⚐🕈 ☠⚐❄☟✋☠☝ ✌👌⚐🕆❄📬" (I WARN YOU NOW. WITH A SOUL SUCH AS YOURS, YOU SHALL PLAY A ROLE OF IMPORTANCE. DO NOT ALLOW SUCH A THING TO BE UNDER THE SWAY OF SOMEONE YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.)

"And what about you?"

He looks sternly before sighing into calmness.

"✋☞ ✋❄ 🕈✋☹☹ ☟☜☹🏱 ✡⚐🕆 ❄⚐ 😐☠⚐🕈 ✋ ✌💣 ☠⚐❄ ✡⚐🕆☼ ☜☠☜💣✡📪 ❄☟☜☠ ✋ 💧☟✌☹☹ ❄☜☹☹ ✡⚐🕆 💣⚐☼☜ ✌👌⚐🕆❄ 💣✡💧☜☹☞ ✌💧 🕈☜ 👍⚐☠❄✋☠🕆☜ ❄☟☜💧☜ ✋☠❄☜☼✌👍❄✋⚐☠💧📬 👌🕆❄ ✋ 👎⚐ ☟⚐🏱☜ ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ 💣⚐☼☜ 👍✌🕆❄✋⚐🕆💧 🕈✋❄☟ 🕈☟⚐💣 ✡⚐🕆 👍☟⚐⚐💧☜ ❄⚐ ☹⚐🕈☜☼ ✡⚐🕆☼ ☝🕆✌☼👎 ✌☼⚐🕆☠👎📬" (IF IT WILL HELP YOU TO KNOW I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY, THEN I SHALL TELL YOU MORE ABOUT MYSELF AS WE CONTINUE THESE INTERACTIONS. BUT I DO HOPE YOU ARE MORE CAUTIOUS WITH WHOM YOU CHOOSE TO LOWER YOUR GUARD AROUND.)

There's this look on his face. I can't quite place it but it feels something like worry. I nod my head.

"I understand. Heh...Funny. Sans told me something like that when we first talked."

"💧🏱☜✌😐✋☠☝ ⚐☞ 💣✡ 👌☼⚐❄☟☜☼💧📬 ☹☜❄ 💣☜ ☝✋✞☜ ✡⚐🕆 ⚐☠☜ 💣⚐☼☜ 🏱✋☜👍☜ ⚐☞ ✌👎✞✋👍☜📬📬📬" (SPEAKING OF MY BROTHERS. LET ME GIVE YOU ONE MORE PIECE OF ADVICE...)

I expect a warning. I expect the kind of protectiveness a father tells a boy that seeks his daughter. What I don't expect was his face to distort and this suffocating red aura to swallow everything around him.

"✋☞ ✡⚐🕆 ☜✞☜☼ ☟🕆☼❄ 💣✡ ☞✌💣✋☹✡ ✋☠ ✌☠✡ 🕈✌✡📪 💧☟✌🏱☜📪 ⚐☼ ☞⚐☼💣📬📬📬✋ 🕈✋☹☹ ☠⚐❄ ☟☜💧✋❄✌❄☜ ❄⚐ 👌☼☜✌😐 ✡⚐🕆 👎⚐🕈☠📪 ✌❄⚐💣 👌✡ ✌❄⚐💣📪 ✌☠👎 ☜☼✌💧☜ ✡⚐🕆 ☞☼⚐💣 ☜✠✋💧❄☜☠👍☜ ✋☠ ❄☟✋💧 ✌☠👎 ✌☹☹ ☼☜✌☹✋❄✋☜💧📬📬📬👎⚐ ✋ 💣✌😐☜ 💣✡💧☜☹☞ 👍☹☜✌☼📪 ☟🕆💣✌☠✍✏" (IF YOU EVER HURT MY FAMILY IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM...I WILL NOT HESITATE TO BREAK YOU DOWN, ATOM BY ATOM, AND ERASE YOU FROM EXISTENCE IN THIS AND ALL REALITIES...DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, HUMAN?!)

I open my mouth to utter the first real scream in my entire life but no sound escapes me, there's only the terrified look of horror on my face. That look seems sufficient enough to give him an answer and he reverts to his normal professionalism.

"☝⚐⚐👎📬 ✋🕯💣 ☝☹✌👎 ✡⚐🕆 ✌☼☜ ✌ ☼☜✌💧⚐☠✌👌☹☜ 👍☼☜✌❄🕆☼☜📬 🖂✌☟☜💣🖂 👎⚐ ☞⚐☼☝✋✞☜ 💣✡ ☜✌☼☹✋☜☼ 👌☜☟✌✞✋⚐☼📬 ✋❄ 🕈✌💧 🕆☠👌☜👍⚐💣✋☠☝ ⚐☞ 💣☜📬 ☺🕆💧❄ ☼☜💣☜💣👌☜☼ 🕈☟✌❄ ✋ 💧✌✋👎📬" (GOOD. I'M GLAD YOU ARE A REASONABLE CREATURE. *AHEM* DO FORGIVE MY EARLIER BEHAVIOR. IT WAS UNBECOMING OF ME. JUST REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.)

He pats my head and my eyes roll into the back of my head as I pass out from all this insanity.

[Meawhile: In Snowdin Town]

Another hard day's work for the skeleton brothers. As like most days, no humans entered their territory. Aside from his normal watching duties, Papyrus had Sans stop by the house every hour to check on the human. Which after finding her at Grillby's halfway into the day and bringing her back to the house, she hadn't moved from the couch where she crashed. In fact, the only change he noticed since then was that the flower had placed the blanket it was hiding under on her, but nothing else. So when the time came, they clocked out and headed home for an evening meal before resting up to take on another day.

"SHE BETTER HAVE COMPLETED ALL HER CHORES."

"i'm sure she has, boss."

"I MEAN IT. IF SHE'S SLACKED OFF THEN I'M BREAKING SOMETHING."

"a bit much, don't ya think?"

"FINE. *HUFF* I SWEAR, THIS WHOLE 'DO NOT HIT HER' THING IS HARDER THAN I FIRST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE."

"goes to show that not everything can be solved by hitting it."

"*SCOFF* I BEG TO DIFFER."

Arriving at their home, the door is unlocked and they enter. The house smells clean and isn't on fire, so that's a good sign. On the couch, the human slumbers and above her in the windowsill the flower watches her with a concerned look. Papyrus gives the scene one look before ignoring it to see if there's any food waiting in the oven. Sans, on the other hand, knowing that she hasn't budged an inch in hours, approaches curiously.

"yo, weed. what's up with her?"

Flowey glares at the weed comment.

"This happens sometimes. I don't know why and she doesn't tell me either. But something happens when she sleeps."

Sans cocks his head to the side.

"oh yeah? like what?"

Flowey gets quiet and it gets his attention.

"uh...you gonna answer me or what?"

Flowey looks uncomfortable.

"Sometimes..."

"yes?"

"Sometimes she..."

Before Flowey can finish, the human bolts upright and gasps for breath. This scares the shit out of Sans who ends up falling back on his butt while she tries to relax her rapid breathing.

"Yeah...Sometimes this happens."

Sans growls in annoyance until he actually gets a look at her. She's pale as a ghost, covered in a cold sweat, slightly hyperventilating, shaking, her eyes wide open and dilated. If he didn't know any better, he would swear she was in shock.

"kiddo?"

She's like a statue. Well, a statue that's shaking like a leaf and breathing just as bad.

"lynsie?"

That brings life to her as her pupils retract to tiny dots.

"hey, are you..."

"HUMAN!!"

Papyrus shouts and she leaps off the couch...only to get tripped up in the blanket a couple time.

"GET IN HERE NOW!"

She stumbles her way into the kitchen and for a moment Sans wondered if this was the same girl he's been dealing with. Because right now, she resembled a frightened puppy hoping not to get kicked into its kennel.

"EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT IT IS I'M LOOKING AT."

His curiosity having been tempted, Sans sneaks his way silently over to the kitchen's doorway and peeks in at the scene unfolding. Papyrus is not happy and the human has her head down in submission.

"WELL? TELL ME WHAT THIS IS."

Papyrus points to a glass container filled with some weird brown mass.

"It's meatloaf."

"AND PRAY TELL, WHAT IS THE MAIN INGREDIENTS IN THIS LOAF OF MEAT?"

"Ground beef."

"HOW MUCH?"

"W-What?"

"HOW MUCH?! HOW MUCH DID YOU USE IN THAT SIN YOU'VE SULLIED MY KITCHEN WITH?!"

She seems to shrink under his voice and it has Sans puzzled. Her personality is all wrong. She would stand her ground, not give in. What in the fuck happened?

"T-T-Three pounds."

*SMACK*

She hits the ground and Papyrus is livid.

"THREE POUNDS?! YOU WASTED THREE POUNDS ON THIS TRASH?! IF YOU WEREN'T CONNECTED TO THE QUEEN, YOU'D BE DEAD BY MY HANDS AND THAT SOUL OF YOUR SHATTERED BECAUSE SOMEONE AS STUPID AS YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE ANY POWER TO SET US FREE!"

She lays there for a bit and Sans almost makes the move to jump in to ease some of this tension. But she makes the first move, picking herself partly off the floor.

"Master..."

Master? Don't tell me he's really got her calling him that. Geez, bro, how massive is your ego?

"Forgive me. I wanted to try something new. But with the limitations of what is here and us all agreeing that I can't leave, I can't fetch more food. I tried my best with what I had."

Papyrus's stone cold death glare softens slightly to a less harsh but still harden look of disdain.

"BE THAT AS IT MAY, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY LASAGNAS THAT COULD'VE MADE? IN A SINGLE DISH, YOU'VE SET ME BACK QUITE A BIT. AND THAT IS NOT A SMART THING TO DO."

"I'm sorry, Master. It won't happen again. I shall request your approval in future meal preparations that might interfere with your culinary craftsmanship."

Much to Sans's surprise, she managed to settle Papyrus down with that. Catering to his ego, a very smart move on her part. She's learning how to survive and roll with the punches.

"HMMM...PERHAPS I MISSPOKE. MAYBE YOU'RE NOT NEARLY AS STUPID AS YOU MAKE YOURSELF OUT TO BE."

Papyrus takes a few steps closer to her and stops when she doesn't make a move.

"HUMAN..."

She looks up at him.

"TAKE THAT JACKET OFF. IT DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU."

She merely nods before slipping out of Sans's old jacket.

"GOOD..."

He takes it from her.

"NOW GET UP. AS MUCH AS THAT THING YOU CALL A DISH OFFENDS ME, I DO EXPECT SOMETHING TO EAT. BRING MY PLATE TO MY ROOM ONCE YOU'VE TAKEN THE CORRECT STEPS IN FIXING IT TO MY LIKING."

She picks herself up and he leaves her, exiting the kitchen to shove the jacket at the apparently not so stealthy brother.

"THIS IS WHAT I MEANT ABOUT BEING SOFT ON HER. YOU GIVE HER AN INCH AND SHE'LL THINK SHE CAN DO AS SHE PLEASES."

Sans sneers.

"you said you'd try not to hit her."

"I DID TRY. I ONLY USED 5% OF THE POWER I WANTED TO HIT HER WITH."

Sans's annoyed look got stronger.

"WHAT? I AT LEAST DIDN'T BUST HER LIP OR BREAK HER NOSE."

Sans's look increases.

"I'M NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT MAKES ME LOOK GOOD TO YOU, I AM?"

"no, bro. just no."

Papyrus sighs through his nasal hole loudly

"WHATEVER. I'LL BE IN MY ROOM. SEE TO IT SHE DOESN'T FUCK UP ANY MORE."

Papyrus walks pass his brother with little care and Sans mutters curses under his breath as he now enters the kitchen. To no surprise, the girl is setting out plates and still visibly shaken. He sighs.

"hey...try not to take what pap said or did too seriously. he just lacks the skills needed to not come off as a total prick."

She doesn't say anything. She merely goes about fixing a quick side-dish to compliment the main course.

"come on, kiddo, lighten up. this ain't the first time pap roughed ya up. and it certainly won't be the last. why not look at it this way...ya took the hit like a champ. that's something to be proud of."

She stops.

"Sans...I appreciate what you're trying to do. I really do. But can we not talk for a bit. Please?"

She didn't even sound the same. Something must have really gotten to her. Oh, the choices. On the one hand, part of him knew it was better to leave her alone. Yet, on the other hand, he wanted to make her suffer for leaving. What to do, what to do? Being the clever schmuck he is, Sans picked both options. Here's hoping she got so mashed she doesn't remember anything.

"yeah, okay. we'll talk later."

She appears to relax a little and returns to her work.

"Thank you."

"no problem. what are pals for?"

He turns on his heel then starts to leave, but pauses and looks her way.

"oh! before i forget..."

This gets her attention and he smirks mischievously.

"thanks for the fun at grillby's. i had a really great time."

He gives her a teasing wink before walking away and he swears that he can hear the gears turning in her head.

"...What the hell does that mean?!"

A quick shortcut away to his room prevents her from questioning further and allows him to let out the laughter a successful mind fuck gives. That'll teach her. See Pap? You don't have to hit her to make a point. Mind games are just as effective and even more enjoyable than violence. This is the good shit.

I can hear the laughter in the room above me and I growl in annoyance. God damn you, Sans. I have no idea if he's just messing with me or if something really happened at Grillby's. Argh! These skeletons! They will be the death of me! No, calm down. I need to relax and get my head together. I can grill Sans later when I force his supper down his...wait...How the fuck do skeletons eat?! Why am I only realizing this now? They have no tongue, throat, stomach, or anything else one would need to take in foodstuff. So how the hell do they do this?

"Lynsie? You okay in there?"

Flowey's voice derails this crazy train of thought.

"Yeah, bro. I'm fine. I'll bring you your plate in a sec."

I finish all this food mess and quickly bring him to the table where his share awaits.

"So you're really okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Because you freaked out a lot worse than your past nightmares."

"I told you, I don't get nightmares."

"Yeah, and I'm still not buying it."

"And again, I don't care if you do. But thanks for being concerned."

"You're welcomed. Thank you for dinner."

"Of course."

"When did you even make this?"

"Did it way earlier and had it on a slow cook so it would be done by the time they got home."

"Smart."

"I try."

"Try more."

"...Eat your damn loaf, flower-boy."

I return to the kitchen and get Papyrus's plate before heading up the stairs to his room.

[Knock, knock]

"ENTER, HUMAN."

I open the door and see he has his attention in one of those books they brought home the other day.

"PUT IT ON THE TABLE."

I do as told.

"If you want, I can get you some milk or water to drink."

The second he sees that the plate has touched down on the table, he moves quickly and the next thing I know is my back is slammed against a wall while his hand is over my mouth, pinning me in place. I'm confused by this sudden attack but the angry look he has tells me I'll know why soon enough.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO CLEVER, DON'T YOU? DID YOU REALLY THINK I WOULDN'T NOTICE?"

Unable to speak I merely tilt my head in puzzlement.

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME! I KNOW YOU'VE LEFT THIS HOUSE. YOU CAN'T EVEN DENY IT. YOUR STATS ARE DIFFERENT AND YOU ARE WEARING SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T HAVE BEFORE. SOMETHING I KNOW I'VE SEEN BEFORE IN THAT RABBIT BITCH'S SHOP."

Ah shit. He just had to be a smart guy. Okay, think. Don't panic and play to his nature. Be a good girl.

"WHAT? WHAT IS WITH THAT LOOK?"

He lowers me down enough for me to stand on my own and moves his hand to my neck, at least allowing me to plead my case.

"SPEAK, HUMAN."

Keep calm. Just mix some truth with a bit of lies. It'll sound believable that way.

"I can not lie, Papyrus. I admit it. I did leave the house."

His harsh eyes narrow in a glare that spells death unless I say something to explain my clearly wrong behavior.

"You're probably wondering why."

"I'M WONDERING WHY I SHOULDN'T RIP YOUR STILL BEATING HEART OUT AND SMASH IT INTO YOUR EYES."

"Look, I'm sorry. After I did all the chores, I got bored and curious. I wanted to see what neighborhood was worthy of my Master's greatness. So I went out to have a look, in disguise of course, and no one suspected a thing. Hell, most thought I was a dude. The only one to see through my ruse was Grillby. I gotta say, for a guy made of magic fire he's one cool dude. No pun intended."

He remains silent and brooding in a judging way.

"To be honest, I thought you already knew and that's why you were so pissed."

That gets him.

"NO. I HAD NO CLUE. WHY WOULD YOU THINK I'D HAD KNOWN?"

Payback is a hard bitch, Sans. You mess with me, I mess with you.

"Because Sans knew."

His sockets widen.

"HE WHAT?"

His grip on my neck tightens and I hiss at the rather sharp pain the pressure causes.

"YOU LYING CUNT! IF MY BROTHER KNEW YOU HAD LEFT THE HOUSE, HE WOULD'VE REPORTED IT TO ME! DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL? DO YOU REALLY THINK HE'D LIE TO ME TO PROTECT YOU? EVEN IF YOU ARE THE QUEEN'S LITTLE FOSTER CHILD, YOU ARE STILL JUST A PATHETIC HUMAN. YOU ARE NOT WORTH RISKING HIS LIFE OVER."

The pain is getting worse. I try prying his hand off but he's too damn strong. All I can do is wince.

"COME NOW, I'M BARELY SQUEEZING. YOU ACT AS IF..."

He seems to put two and two together while I'm still on side of confusion. He lets me go and moves the bandanna to expose my neck. I can't see what he sees, but if the look in his eyes tells me anything, I'd say he sees something I'd rather not see.

"HMMM..."

"What? What is it? Is there something wrong?"

"TELL ME, HUMAN...WHEN GRILLBY FOUND YOU OUT, DID HE HAVE YOU STAY IN HIS BAR?"

"Yeah. He said Sans would find me there sooner or later."

"AND DID YOU CONSUME ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HAVE HAD ALCOHOL IN IT?"

I'm starting to not like this line of questioning.

"Yes? He recommended a booze burger."

He sighs and now I'm getting nervous.

"YOU PROBABLY HAVE NO MEMORY AFTER A CERTAIN POINT IN TIME, RIGHT?"

"Dude, you're starting to freak me out here."

He just grins at me.

"Why are you smiling like that? Papyrus? Tell me!"

He shoves me back against the wall and laughs.

"NOW I SEE WHY SANS DIDN'T TELL ME. THERE WASN'T ANY NEED TO. HE ALREADY HAD THE PLEASURE OF PUNISHING YOU HIMSELF."

What the fuck does that mean?! Wait, so Sans's tease wasn't a tease? Did something really happen at Grillby's? Is Papyrus just being a huge asshole and messing with my head? I need answers damn it!

"YOU MAY GO NOW, HUMAN. BUT KNOW THIS...THIS IS THE LAST NIGHT YOU STAY UNDER THIS ROOF. DISOBEDIENCE IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AND PRIVILEGES WILL BE TAKEN AWAY BECAUSE OF IT."

I rub my sore neck and grimace at the thought of what else he's planning on not allowing me for this.

"I understand. I did wrong and deserve this. It won't happen again."

"OF COURSE IT WON'T. YOU'LL BE RESTRAINED WHEN WE GO OUT NEXT TIME."

Oh, that's just peachy. Not like that really worked last time, but it was super annoying.

"Understood."

I slowly take my leave.

"Good night, Papyrus."

I almost make it out of the room when he blocks the way.

"AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?"

I shake my head with a smirk.

"You enjoy me saying it too much."

His grin is amusing.

"WHAT CAN I SAY? HEARING THE SUBJUGATION OF A LESSER CREATURE PLEASES ME. NOW...SAY IT."

Maybe if I stroke his ego enough it'll take some of the marks off my naughty list. It's worth a shot.

"Yes, Master Papyrus. A thousand apologies, Master Papyrus. Forgive me, Master Papyrus. I am but a lowly human and utterly unfit to bask or even gaze upon your godly visage, Master Papyrus. Oh! To what ends must I do to once more gain the favor of my lord, Master Papyrus? How doth this foolish mortal woman redeem herself in yon glorious eyes, oh great and terrible, Master Papyrus? I beg thee! Pity me, oh marvelous skeletal lord of edge, I am not worthy of you."

I am such a ham when the mood strikes. What started out normal became a big dramatic display the likes of which you'd see being mocked in cheesy movies where teenagers do a high school play. I half expect tomatoes to be thrown at me while those two old muppets mock me from an unseen balcony. Yet he further exceeds my surprise by not only laughing at my childishness, but I can't help noticing the red coloring that is starting to show on his cheekbones. Really brings some much-needed kindness to that grumpy face of his. But the moment doesn't last long and he tappers into lite chuckling.

"YOU...YOU CAN BE QUITE THE KISS ASS WHEN YOU WANT TO BE."

I get out of my little finishing pose and smile.

"Maybe. But did you enjoy that?"

Remember when I said the blush made him look kind? Yeah, that look is gone now. With the look he gives me now, that blush makes him look downright creepy. Like, this is the face of a sexual predator.

"DID I ENJOY YOUR LITTLE SHOW? HMMM...HOW DO I PUT THIS?"

He grabs my chin and forces me to make rather uncomfortable eye contact with him.

"YOU'VE MADE ME QUITE PLEASED."

This feels so awkward.

"IT MAKES ME WONDER...IF YOU'RE CAPABLE OF SUCH PLEASANTRIES, IN WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE YOU ABLE TO PLEASE ME?"

It doesn't take much to trigger my imagination and filthy mind into overthinking what he could possibly have meant by those words. So like any sane woman that's already unsure of what men have done to her due to drunken memory loss, I jerk away from him and nervously get the fuck out of his room to rush my ass downstairs.

"*quickly* Okay, thank you, have a good night Papyrus!"

I hear a small snicker followed by the closing of his door and I take a few minutes to calm down. Normally, had a human guy been like that with me, that would've gone down much differently. Hell, I fought off three guys when that shit happened in middle school. Bastards thought the sickly looking girl in her grandma's sweater was a weak easy mark. Proved those fuckers wrong real fast. But those were humans. These are monsters. And I've finally faced the facts that they are a hell of a lot stronger than humans. If they wanted to...If the intent is there...They could do anything to me and no amount of fight in me would make a difference. I'd get a good couple of hits in but that's it. It wouldn't matter. Compared to them, I'm as weak as a newly hatched bird that fell out of its nest and down a mountain. Wait...God damn it! That is exactly how it is! Mother fucking life! Quit being so piss poor to me! I already hate myself! You don't have to add to it!

I sigh to get all this emo steam out of my system. I have to stop doing this. Building all this negativity up. It's not good or me and very unhealthy. I have to be more positive. Think happy thoughts. Because when life gives you lemons, flip off life and find someone who'll exchange lemons for strawberries. Mmmm...I could so go for some strawberry milk right now. Maybe Grillby has some. I'll have to ask him or Sans about that. Speaking of the smiling butt-munch...I should give him his food before it gets cold. Scooping up his plate of goodies, I head back upstairs and creep quietly pasts Papyrus's room. Lord knows I don't want his attention anymore this evening. Looking over the railing, I see Flowey's the first to sleep unless Sans beat him to it. I need to get his plate before I try to rest. I make it to Sans's door, the strange flames that burn beneath it have intrigued me since I first set my eyes on them. What makes them and to what purpose do they serve? Either way, even if I don't get an answer to those questions, I can still get the chance of seeing inside Sans's room. If Papyrus's room is anything to go off of, then his brother's is bound to be just as cool. Here's hoping he's still awake.

[Knock, knock]

"*muffled* who's there?"

Really? Are we really doing this?

"Room service."

"*muffled* room service who?"

"Yeah, can I get the house special and a wake-up call for nine? Maybe have it brought up by that sexy bellhop at the front door."

The door opens and he's giggling with confusion on his face.

"hehe...what the hell kind of knock-knock joke was that?"

"The kind you get when I couldn't think of anything."

I offer the dish.

"May I come in?"

He eyes me a moment before taking it.

"sure. we need to talk anyway. bet ya got loads of questions and junk."

He opens the door more and I step in. Instantaneously I'm hit with a smell. Since cleaning, the house has had this pine tree smell to it and Papyrus keeps his room so clean it doesn't even have a scent at all. But Sans's room...It's like...I'm not sure if I can describe the smell. Not bad, just...lived in maybe? It's strangely familiar to me for some reason. The room itself just feels comfortable despite its disheveled appearance. Sans's room is messy, containing a somehow self-sustaining twister of random trash, a dusty unused exercise bike, a dirty sock pile, a worn mattress with sheets ripped up in a weird wrinkly bundle, an uncovered pillow that is on the floor, what looks like some mail, a lava lamp with a flashlight stuck in the bulb socket, and a decently sized chest of drawers from which the lamp sits. There's also a window over his bed, a closet off to my left once you enter, and the thick carpet is done in wavy lines of red and yellow.

"yeah, the place ain't fancy or anything, but it'll grow on ya. i mean that figuratively yet sometimes literally."

Sans seems more relaxed as he goes over to his bed to eat. He looks very much the same but minus the jacket he regularly sports and nothing is on his feet apart from some black slippers.

"They say a man's home is his castle. And by the looks of it, you are a very relaxed king."

"eh, i try. so...what's on your mind?"

I shut the door to be safe in case Papyrus were to pass by and hear anything odd.

"Okay, let's just tear the band-aid off now. What the hell happened at Grillby's?"

He chuckles knowingly as he eats.

"don't remember a thing, do ya? that's a shame. you were quite the good-time gal by the time i showed up."

"Come on, dude. Be real with me right now. I am not in the right state of mind to deal with teasing."

He takes a moment to chew the mouthful he has before responding.

"if you're wondering if ya did anything stupid, no. we did nothing but make jokes. now if you did anything with grillby before i got there, you'd have to ask him because he didn't say he did when i got him talking."

I sigh and palm my face.

"but grillby ain't a douche. i've known the guy for a good chunk of my life and i will bet gold on him doing nothing to ya while you were fucked up."

"I'm going to choose to take your word on that. I honestly don't remember much of our time together, but the dude seemed pretty cool. Against my better judgment, I'd probably hang out with him again if the chance were given. Though I wouldn't request that burger again."

"i doubt you'll get the chance."

"Yeah."

I move a little closer and lay on the floor while my head rests on the mattress. I don't want to be weird by sitting on his bed.

"Papyrus said I'm to be restrained when you guys leave tomorrow."

"heh... a lot of good that'll do. you'll just escape again."

"That's what I was thinking."

There's a pause as he eats.

"so...maybe you can answer a couple of questions for me too while we're at it."

"Sure. Why not?"

"do you remember me bringing you back here?"

"Nope. But based on what Grillby said, about you being his most common barfly and that you show up a lot, I kinda figured you did."

"yeah. the bar is like a second home to me."

"I can see why. It's so warm there. Felt...I don't know...Safe?"

"that's the reason he'll never go out of business. ya don't feel that way in many places down here."

"True. And he's a nice guy. That helps too."

"yeah."

I think for a moment about what I want to ask next.

"by the way...who is chara?"

Well, that came out of left field.

"What brought that up?"

"you told grillby that chara was the one that spotted me watching you."

"Oh yeah...So?"

"how do you know chara?"

"How do you know Chara?"

"i asked ya first."

"He's my dead bro that talks to me in my head."

"don't bullshit me."

"Do you really think I'd say something that crazy if I didn't mean it? Hell, you're not even the first person to ask me that same question today."

"who else asked you about chara?"

"Your brother."

"pap? that don't make much sense."

"I didn't say it was Papyrus."

That got his attention in a big way.

"what?"

I look up at the ceiling.

"Sans...Do you know who Gaster is?"

There's a thud sound as he drops his plate and what little remained of his dinner.

"h-how...how do you know that name?"

I look over at him. Shock and maybe a small tinge of fright make up his expression.

"I get the feeling we've got a lot of talking to do."

"yeah. yeah, we do."

He looks really serious until he looks at the mess.

"but first...mind cleaning that up for me?"

I snicker.

"Was wondering if you were gonna ask me that or not. Really hoping you weren't."

"if it makes ya feel any better, it wasn't as bad as what pap was making it out to be."

"Thanks."

I pick up most of it with my hands and get ready to take the remnants with me.

"while you're down there, would you mind bringing back a thing of mustard?"

I look at him funny.

"Mustard?"

He rolls his shoulders.

"we've all got our vices. mine happens to be a tangy condiment. got a problem with that?"

"Really? Any particular type you prefer?"

"not really. it all depends on my mood. if i wanna treat myself, i enjoy a nice dijon. if it's been a shitty day, i'll have a beer or spirited mustard. and if i'm in a pissy mood, i'll punish myself with the hot pepper stuff. but mostly i just drink the classic yellow kind."

Wow, he wasn't joking.

"Okay...Be right back with your 'drink'."

I take the dish with me out of the room and back downstairs, collecting Flowey's along the way. I do a spot of speed cleaning before putting dinner away, I'm not eating tonight. I have no appetite at the moment. But a drink is never something I turn down. I fix me up a little something, grab his mustard and napkins, then get my butt back up the stairs to his room. I find him still on his mattress only now he's apparently playing a game of solitaire with an old beat up deck of cards.

"Got bored? I was gone maybe two minutes."

He hardly bothers with glancing at me.

"it helps me relax."

I don't like that sound of that. I let him be and place the condiment bottle beside him as I get to cleaning the small stain trying to stay on his floor. I think not, stain! Not on my watch. He starts drinking while I carry on with this maid-like chore.

"what's in the glass?"

I was beginning to wonder if he'd ever notice my own drink.

"This? Got me some milk. Though, kinda wish you boys had stuff to with it is."

"like what?"

"Maybe some strawberry mixing power/syrup? I'd settle for some chocolate or cookies too."

A small chuckle escapes him.

"heh...women and their sweets."

"I know, it's cliché. But hey, think of it this way. Maybe if I had more sweets then I'd be sweet back."

He scoffs.

"yeah, i can totally see that happening. toss ya a bit of sugar and suddenly you're little miss sunshine? nah, ain't buying it."

"I did say maybe."

With the task of cleaning done, I invade his space. Moving to sit at the foot of the mattress to show that I am here taking this a bit more seriously than most of the normal shit I tend to do. He, in turn, responds by swiping the cards onto the floor in one motion and finally looking at me. His eyes are dark.

"so...seems we each know something that the other wants to know."

"Indeed. We both have stories to tell."

"true. but that implies someone might not be very truthful in the telling of their tale."

"Withholding information is very damaging. Not a very wise move, nor one I intend to make. You?"

"the line between truth and false is blurry. it's up to the listener whether to believe it's fact or fiction."

"Very well...Fact, we have never met before until I left the Ruins. We have never shared any point of our lives with each other or gone into much about our history. So far, to you, is this correct?"

"so far, you are coming up as truthful."

"Then I shouldn't know any of the following...W. D. Gaster was once the Head Scientist to the Royal Family until something happened. Something involving his study of understanding the power of souls."

He gets really quiet. So quiet that the snow falling onto the roof can be heard, snowflake by snowflake.

"lynsie...this is going to be one hell of a long night."

"That it will be, Sans. That it will be."