#anyways time to start getting recommended posts about how to deal w being a shit person instead

[gothgamergaara]

Realizing that i am having issues that are causing me to be the source of the problem that they make ig psych infographics about :^)

[sunshinexlollipops]

originally was writing in the notes but realized this just needed to be added in a long (sorry) reblog. while OP is ranting there's some shit I got to say that's important.

I have a bunch of experience w both weight loss surgery + these meds OP mentions and there's some VITAL INFORMATION in this if you are considering what's mentioned above.

firstly, let's start with the gastric sleeve surgery my sister had months ago and the shit time that I helped her through, because the place she went to seemed unethical as hell.

I want to start with that she is fine and happier now, but she doesn't remember most of this. I have to say I am legitimately surprised no major issues occurred or that, frankly, she didn't die.

not all gastric goes like this, sure, but the problem is that my sister found a place that seemed borderline to actually unethical. and my point is that, there is an industry built around weight loss options and down to even surgeries, they will exist to lure you in and take advantage.

below is a summary of the bullshit we dealt with:

she had gastric sleeve (removed part of your stomach like OP mentioned) and a severe hernia repair done in one surgery

despite informing them she had a severe EPI-pen level dairy allergy, her nurses weren't informed of this allergy until they had to feed her, and the only reason she had anything to use is that we happened to bring her protein powder prior to surgery.

we were in LA and STILL struggled to find vegan protein powders that were safe and also followed the regulations the place gave us (sugar is limited as it affects the healing process of the stomach), so at times we were racing around to find options so she wasn't going to starve.

prior to the operation, they recommended she get a PERSONAL NURSE for 2 weeks after surgery, and when my sister informed them she couldn't afford or get one, they still went forward with surgery anyway.

while visiting her, I could hear people screaming and moaning from pain in the other rooms. it was like a horror movie moment.

a patient at this place could only stay 24 hours EXACTLY. and this started at check-in PRIOR to surgery. so before my sister was even done being operated on, they told me we had to be out of the room by the same time next day so the room would be open to other incoming patients getting surgery. the catch though? you never, unless it was the day of their surgery, saw anyone occupying these rooms. they were EMPTY.

because of this rule though, they instructed her to STAY IN A HOTEL NEARBY, so if there were issues "we can be close to help" even though we were about 15 minutes away and I dunno... IN A HOTEL.

this placement was also for the first week post-op, as she was coming back to this location from the hotel to receive fluids through her PICC line (heart catheter) and it would take hours and hours. this made her sickly too, so it was a whole process to deal with.

they had my sis COLD TURKEY OFF AN SSRI and this caused major issues for my sister's mental health.

this, compounded with not sleeping, poor pain management provided by this place (keep in mind actual painkillers are being restricted because of the opioid crisis), not being able to eat properly for over a week (couldn't get her to eat anything), and not recovering well, we had to hospitalize my sister after surgery bc of how poorly she was.

before that I had gotten NO SLEEP as I was constantly up with her, keeping track of anti-clot devices on her legs, managing her medications (pain meds, antacids, blood thinner shots, etc), and also making sure we were getting up and having her walk around as I was instructed. I was worn out bc I WAS NEVER EQUIPPED TO HELP HER BY MYSELF. it legit will take a TEAM to help you post-surgery for gastric y'all. you CAN'T do this solo or with just 1 caretaker. the fact they put this on myself and her husband was beyond inappropriate and we were in no position to help her in the ways she critically needed.

while at the hospital, doctors were SHOCKED at what we told them about this location and the behavior of the people there. they wouldn't even notify us she had to be one place the next day or when, and I only found out about her POST-OP EXAM because I had asked if there was anything else we needed to know with her schedule. it was an afterthought.

I remember the doctor of the gastric wing at the hospital saying "it's sad she is going through this, because they have Wegovy now."

which........about that.

I had been briefly on that weekly shot named Wegovy!

you know, semaglutide — the current fad of weight loss drugs.

here's a photo from one of my shots that I took!

(I got those cheap Jurassic Park bandaids, lmao. rawr)

semaglutide is also in Ozempic, and that and Wegovy are produced by Novo Nordisk. Ozempic is intended for type 2 diabetics (type 1 diabetics cannot take semaglutide, it can KILL them), and Wegovy for weight loss.

other common drugs: phentermine is another weight loss option, for example, that comes as a pill and as OP stated, kills your appetite. and Eli and Lilly jumped into the weight loss shot game with Zepbound earlier this year (and Mounjaro is their version of Ozempic for type 2 diabetics).

there's also an older medication called Saxenda. when I wasn't able to obtain Wegovy, my Endo tried to place me on Saxenda. this is a DAILY SHOT y'all. meaning you would have to have 30 auto-injectors in your fridge for a one month supply. that's a lot!

overall, these weight loss drugs, especially shots with semaglutide, are a HUGE boom in the weight loss industry, so expect more drugs and more people to be on medications like these bc so much money is being made.

because I need to mention: for 4 shots of Wegovy (4 weeks of meds), you are paying over $1,200 usually for these shots.

some insurances won't cover them, and paying that much out of pocket for just a medication is insane. especially when that's only ONE MONTH of meds.

in one year, that will total to: $14,400

because of this, Bernie Sanders has actually been going after Novo Nordisk because of the price gouging Americans experience for these meds. because, of course, they are notably cheaper elsewhere in the world!

on top of this, weight loss clinics around the US are compounding THEIR OWN semaglutide. this is where this med gets SO DANGEROUS! including online purchases of this med, especially from foreign suppliers.

with a compounded version of this drug, or an online supplier, you cannot safely guarantee your dosage.

people have already DIED from overdosing, or experiencing severe complications from a high dose of semaglutide from alternative sources.

this is why it's VERY important that people don't just go after these shots from various sources, because this is a growing, worldwide problem. and the massive demand is causing more and more unsafe compounded versions to also become an even bigger, more threatening issue.

here's a video I previously watched from 60 Minutes Australia, and they interview families who have lost loved ones because of the massive public desire to use these medications.

that being said, there are some people with positives and good experiences with this medication. of course it isn't for everyone and is for some— but I believe these medications, particularly semaglutide, are being slapped way too generically.

and I know weight loss medications are being thrown at people, even when their weight isn't what is making them sick or unhappy, because that's what happened to me!

for me, Wegovy was a little different with its effects, because I have PCOS and respond more to the med like a type 2 diabetic (thanks insulin resistance).

I was sent to an endocrinologist bc my doctors were concerned I had a prolactinoma (tumor on the pituitary gland of the brain) after abnormal hormone levels came back from a blood panel, and instead of offering any other meds/treatment/an MRI to check/exploration to confirm or deny this issue, I was given a prescription for Wegovy.

Wegovy is being pushed as a panacea script, even if the medical issue you see the doctor for isn't related to weight.

while I wasn't a fan of the response, I opted to try the drug out anyway as it seemed to be my only hope at betterment.

semaglutide is intended to slow your digestion down so you have less of an appetite, and it is meant to affect how your body releases and responds to its insulin to help maintain steady blood sugar levels.

sounds great, right? but Wegovy comes with a LOT of risks y'all. some of which we are JUST discovering too. and not just light risks:

Gastroparesis (stomach paralysis, can be severe and life-threatening)

Pancreatitis (obvs involving your pancreas, has the potential to be fatal especially if severe, which semaglutide has been known to cause very rough cases of this)

Extremely aggressive thyroid cancer! (if your family has a history of this, like type 1 diabetics, you are NOT permitted to take the med. it could cause you to develop fast-forming and aggressive thyroid cancer, as it did so to animals they tested it on— this is why Wegovy has an FDA warning)

Severe acid reflux (no exaggerating this is the worst heartburn you'll ever have, and some foods will now trigger this. they become inedible for you and you WILL vomit them up)

Vomiting / Constipation (bc of slowing your digestion, you can get really backed up especially if you suffer gastroparesis bc nothing moves, but if it can't go out the back end it will come out the front)

feeling VERY unwell post-eating, especially with sugars (food will hit you harder and sugary things will make you really ill, I had trouble finding things I could tolerate after a while on the med, and gave up so many foods bc I couldn't tolerate them anymore)

recently, they also just discovered semaglutide can cause a rare form of blindness!

I was only on Wegovy for 2 months. in a way, it was life changing. my PCOS has been wreaking havoc with my hormones (prolactin esp) and it's fucked me up a lot. while Wegovy did help with that, there were a lot of downsides to the med and many foods were no longer safely edible for me due to side effects.

the shortage hit, and I was forced off the med as I couldn't fulfill my prescription. I was heartbroken at first, but as more is discovered about the med and its apparent effects, I'm realizing now in some ways it was more risky and unpleasant than it was worth.

and heads up: if you're on these shots and stop, you will gain the weight you lost back, alongside some extra, new weight.

so if you don't intend to stay on this medication long term, it will put you further away from where you started with it!

and all for what...because you have some extra poundage?

your body needs fuel (food AND fat) and foods shouldn't be viewed as evil or naughty for you. unless you have a dietary restriction (religion, allergy, condition like celiac), don't make bad associations with your food to where you'll feel shame for eating like you're supposed to.

please understand, your body isn't evil or bad for having fat. it's meant to have it!

even if you are thin, you have fat! specifically, adipose cells. it's a connective tissue that helps insulate your body. it helps a little with other functions too, and is part of the system in your body that keeps you alive!

being overweight, that can occur for a variety of reasons, be it excess calories to health conditions that cause it to accumulate, but NEVER does being fat excuse treating you as lesser/undesirable, or excuse what society will put you through to lose it.

diets, whatever kind, also don't tend to be successful as doctors have found, and tend to reinforce bad eating habits that can lead or are even created to mimic an eating disorder.

you want a diet that is built upon being rewarding and positive, not restrictive and shameful.

if you want to be happier in your body, the first step is learning to love however it comes. you deserve love regardless of what number is on that scale! because weight loss takes time, and you shouldn't feel like you're in a race to shrink into embracing yourself.

second, even when you have conditions you need to improve or mitigate healthwise, weight loss is always up to you.

it shouldn't be about earning society's fickle approval, or feeling like shedding pounds will earn you acceptance and love (especially from yourself).

this world doesn't actually care what you look like when it comes to fucking you over, and these methods have become an outlet to take advantage of the rampant fatphobia that drives many to become desperate to lose weight.

please learn to embrace and love yourself, no matter your shape and size. and only do what you need to protect your health and peace of mind.

don't let the snake oil salesman of the modern age convince you these things are the only way to address your unhappiness, insecurities, or weight.

diet culture people make me feel like i’m going crazy. you want me to take an experimental pill that destroys my appetite?? you want me to remove part of my stomach??? you want me to stop eating bread and rice, two of the staple foods most inherent to humanity????? why exactly? because my stomach is big? because you don’t like the way i look, and you think it’s reasonable to tell me to carve pieces off of myself and try random drugs and ruin my own life so i can look more visually pleasing to you? and you somehow don’t see how absurdly cruel and selfish that is to ask of somebody???? while pretending you care about their HEALTH????????????????? FUCK YOU!!!!

[disengaged]

hello! i'm here from elliott's post about film class, you replied to her and i found out that you have a double major of film studies and psych. anyway, i scrolled through your blog and i think you are quite passionate and really knowledgeable about your major, and i'm not lmao (i'm a multimedia arts student, but i want to be like a film director someday). hence, i'm here to get inspiration and advices from. i actually already saved the books you recommended though!

i'm going to take a film language class this coming sem, and i feel anxious about it (+ the fact that i'm a beginner in every medium of art/media makes me feel out of place and undeserving of being in this major lol). i started advanced studying with Crash Course's free film history course, but i just feel lost, i don't know what to do. i feel like i should be studying 60mph because i can't keep up with anyone.

my school does not really do examinations right after every semester, even quizzes are non-existent. i don't have a classmate or friend that i can ask these questions because they have other interests that do not interest me. that's why i find it hard to understand anything. i'm currently at the burnt-out stage so perhaps the reason why i am so naive. but any advice will really help. thank you :((

DUUUUDE omg .... okay first things first, take a deep breath, it's gonna be okay

i really respect your dedication/the fact that you're trying to study before the class even starts, but like . if it's an intro-level course, you're gonna be ok !! TONS of people take FS courses as optional arts credits/"for interest", it's typically expected that you're not going to know everything. as long as you have the right prerequisites for the course, you should be doing ok! if it turns out your prof sucks (like elliott's) you can brush up on the rest as you go ♥️ :-0

like ...... if you're already dealing with burnout, studying super hard ahead of time is gonna make you feel even worse. & yknow ....... if it's really bad in the first week, just drop out tbh 🤷 some courses ain't worth it

in terms of exams: i'd say about half of my film studies classes have been essay-based rather than quiz/midterm/final exam-based, idk how your school works though

as for feeling 'undeserving' of your major ...... i can't really help you there, but you should know that imposter syndrome is super common in every single discipline and at any college/uni, especially in the fine arts side of things — but you're ok !! like !!! if you were a pro at everything already, school would suck ass. i hope u can get over this fear and better enjoy learning new things, cuz that's really what postsecondary is all about ♥️ it's ok to be naive, especially in subjects the average person knows jack shit about.

the path to becoming a director is ....arduous.... and typically requires training within the industry and/or a degree specifically in film production (which is different than the 'scholarly' branch of film studies) but if it's what you really want, go for it. put your heart into it, yknow, do whatever it is that makes you feel like you're doing something important. YOLO

it can be tough when your friends don't Get your interests, i'm here to chat anytime if you like tho !! film studies is basically my favourite thing on earth :'-)

also i saw u asked elliott abt notetaking ...... i use OneNote & i love it, it's great cause it puts your notes in The Cloud and you can access them from any device. super user-friendly and has drawing, highlighting, font changing functions, you can insert PDFs as printouts ....... i hate carrying my 5lb laptop to campus (and it doesn't fit on the little desk trays in my lecture halls anyways. fml) so i just have an iPad loaded up w OneNote and i'm set :-) i take some of my notes by hand but only for English/Writing/CMPUT classes lol, my FS and Psych classes go way too fast to keep up

[queenlua]

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue.  see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP.   and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP.  so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on.  there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc.  you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

[xlady-saya]

Hello! I don’t really use this account a whole lot but I wanted to go ahead and make a pinned post, which I’ll hopefully remember to update frequently lol. Anyways, here’s a collection of the fics I’ve written for aftg, andreil, and others so far ^^

progress comes in small steps series [complete]

and we’re just starting to get it [Rated T, 11.1k]

Neil is nothing and everything all at once, the entire universe for Andrew, however small of a universe that is. Even Aaron is starting to see it, though the pieces still don't line up.

And Andrew is trying to convince Aaron that he's never jealous? Yeah right. You don't spend your entire life being denied, being hurt, going through foster care with nothing to call your own only to be okay with someone else trying to take the one bright piece of life you call yours.

Or, Aaron is done with Andrew's shit and makes it his job to prove his brother wrong.

there’s always more to learn [Rated T, 12.3k]

The subject of Katelyn and Neil hasn't felt like dangerous territory in a long time, but Aaron feels the bomb countdown already coming to an end before Bee even opens her mouth.

"Well, the two of them are so alike," Bee goes on, oblivious to the tension leaking into the space. Her smile is pleasant, teasing. "It just goes to show how you and Andrew have similar tastes despite being so different."

The world freezes on its axis.

Andrew inhales a little too loudly the same time Aaron chokes on his spit. "W-What?"

trust is a slow process [Rated T, 7.3k]

If Katelyn had been stealthier, she could've escaped the crowded dance floor without Andrew seeing her.

But of course, she's no Neil.

Or: Katelyn and Andrew spend some unwanted quality time together, and Katelyn sees things for what they are.

someday there won’t be scowls [Rated T, 8.1k]

Neil finds that even with his mind's best efforts to hang onto the wounds of the past, his opinion of Aaron just isn't what it used to be. He can thank Andrew and Katelyn for a lot of it, but his own observations certainly help.

When he sees Aaron like this, the mix of worry and adoration on his face as he thinks of Katelyn, Neil can't help but feel too exposed himself.

It's a start.

I want this touch to be familiar [Rated E, 38.1k]

Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It's not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil's hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he's forced to acknowledge how much he's allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

if magic exists, you’re the closest thing [Rated T, 16.2k]

The concept of love is not one Andrew understands.

For a long time, it escaped him. It's always fuzzy, always distorted. He'd given up on it long ago, so why is he still chasing answers?

Whatever the reason, he's content to blame Jean Moreau for a lot of things, Katelyn too.

It's their fault he's here, at the happiest place on earth.

this red is for you [Rated T, 10.8k]

Katelyn never considered herself capable of doling out violence.

It has always been a far away thought, dampened by college courses and late night dates with her boyfriend. She lives a stereotypical life, despite everything she's been through with Aaron. Aside from her growing connection with the notoriously troublesome Foxes, nothing much about her life has changed.

Even then, she's learning she's still able to surprise herself. When Katelyn witnesses Neil defending Andrew, her own protective rage rears its head, ready to be explored.

And maybe that's a good thing.

an unconventional crossing [Rated T, 8.1k]

Aaron likes to believe he and Andrew have a lot more practice navigating their conversations now. And he’s right, mostly. But sometimes, challenges arise at the strangest times, and especially when their significant others are concerned.

In which Andrew and Aaron run into each other at the grocery store, and choose not to part ways.

the roads I traveled with you [Rated T, 35.5k]

When his brother gets engaged, Aaron doesn't expect it to send his head spinning as much as it does. Marriage has always felt like a dream, or a nightmare, one he never thought either of them would be able to achieve.

In that moment, Aaron remembers what he's always known, what keeps his head above water. He wants to be with Katelyn forever. That's never been a question. But marriage hadn't been brought up. For so long it was this abstract concept, a fantasy. He'd always reasoned with himself that it would happen, rationally of course it would, but now...

Now Andrew has made the idea a reality, and Aaron has to confront his own wants for his future.

one shots/multichapters

I’ve had a love of my own [Rated T, ongoing]

Despite everything Neil could’ve imagined for his life, he never thought he’d be here, finally giving the world the interview they’ve always wanted.

It’s been decades, but even with his numerous accolades and sports wins, he finds that they’re the least important thing about his life.

Neil can’t help but laugh. Andrew would be so annoyed if he were here.

Of course, Neil only wants to talk about him, and the life they spent together.

slurred [Rated M, 1.6k]

They're not the type of people to give up control, but with each other they're willing to bend the rules.

growing pains [Rated T, 10.6k]

Stuart knows it’s perfectly normal for teenagers to have crushes. That’s why he’s not surprised in the slightest when Neil starts acting strange; lighter, happier. However, what he doesn’t expect is for the crush to leak into his everyday life—or literally take up residence in his house. Or: five times Stuart knew Neil was hiding a nighttime guest, and one time he actually met him.

your hands are mine to hold [Rated E, 6.7k]

It has taken a long time for Thea to accept a lot of aspects of their past. Her eyes track the fear in Kevin's eyes, emboldened by how his own resolve wears it away year by year. She'll never take that sight for granted.

It's hard to ignore the weights on both of them, with their lives so eaten up by the Exy world and memories of the Nest, but one thing has always remained consistent.

Thea trusts Kevin Day with her everything, and she'll never hesitate to follow him into battle.

better than a night light [Rated T, 7.3k]

Neil hasn’t had the chance to examine the feeling of fear in a long time. He’s all too familiar with it though; from the nightmares, to the memories of a cold basement floor, he knows the feeling like the back of his hand.

But this fear is new, loaded with ridiculousness and a complete lack of reason. It’s nothing more than pixels on a screen, far away theories that can’t hurt him like his past can.

Maybe that’s why he’s beginning to not mind it as much. It doesn’t hurt that Andrew is also there to hold him through it.

Playtime [Rated E, 6.7k]

There was a time when Andrew might've questioned being so into this.

Not anymore.

take what you want [Rated E, 5.4k]

Laila has come a long way from her freshman year, past all the worries and pressure to behave a certain way. She never thought she’d realize it here, lounging poolside with her girlfriend.

The urge to seduce Alvarez is just too good to let go.

a product of absence [Rated T, 7.8k]

It’s funny, Andrew thinks, that this would be seen as a curse in any other situation. Two people, thrown apart by time and circumstances, desperately searching for one another.

But Andrew has never doubted Neil’s return. He’s not running, he’s not worried. It’s perhaps the only waiting game that’s been worth it, that he understands, because this bond with Neil has only ever made sense to him.

In another life, Neil made this much clear: they would always find each other in the end.

here I am, there you go again [Rated T, 17.5k]

There's many things about the past Neil chooses to leave behind, and most of the time it's for the best. For some reason though, his brain can't help but cling to the last memories of him.

"My Ex." Neil bites his tongue at the word, because it never feels right. At this point, so many years later, that man is no one. A stranger. He shouldn't presume to know him anymore than his ex should presume to know Neil.

If he remembers Neil at all.

But Neil should know better than anyone that the past always has a way of catching up to him, and this time, he's not as willing to run as he might've initially thought.

losing battle [Rated M, 3.4k]

It's always been Nicky's dream to be closer with his cousins. However, when he opens Andrew's mail to find more than he bargained for, he finds himself regretting the wish. Unfortunately, no matter how much Andrew's warmed up to him in the last few years, Nicky's pretty sure he'll die (literally) if Andrew finds out.

Nicky's mission begins.

temper, temper [Rated T, 3.7k]

"You paid for the deluxe package," Neil says as he scrolls through his payment history to find his client's invoice. His system is simple:

Basic Package: Fuck you. A general statement of displeasure and a brief description of the wrongdoing.

Intermediate Package: Fuck you, with passion. Everything in the basic package, but with additional insults. Customizable for an extra fee.

Deluxe Package: Fuck you to hell. Everything from the first two packages, for an extended period of time, and with extra viciousness.

And it looks like Andrew Minyard is the unlucky soul today.

a new contract [Rated T, 7.2k]

Neil’s request is simple on its face, but infinitely complicated given his history.

“Convince your team to sign me.”

And this was Andrew’s deal: If Neil can prove that he’s serious, that he can build a new life for himself so that he doesn’t end up crawling back to Riko, Andrew will convince his coach to recommend him for recruitment in the fall.

Yes, it was meant to be black and white…

But Andrew should’ve known better. Nothing ever is.

What a Rush [Rated E, 1.6k]

It's always Andrew's goal to stretch Neil's pleasure to its limits, and he's barely begun to scratch the surface.

locked together [Rated E, 8.3k]

Andrew licks his lips and tugs on the tail of the beast inside him, righting it so it can point him in the direction of what he's searching for. Neil looks good on top of him, panting and giddy, and it's rare that Andrew doesn't want to flip them over and make Neil fall apart.

But...every once in a while...

Well, he's relaxed today. He wants to listen, he wants orders, he wants to be controlled so long as the control comes from Neil.

do you like scary movies? [Rated T, 22.5k]

To say Andrew has never seen the benefit in the make-believe would be a lie. However, he finds less and less use for it as he grows older. He especially fails to see the benefits of anything from the horror genre; he’s made plenty of his own mistakes, has seen more than enough to terrify him in his life. He doesn’t need to rely on jump scares and idiotic protagonists.

But when he meets Neil, self-proclaimed horror archivist, he finds that maybe he never gave the genre the credit it was due, and he ends up thanking the dull movies eventually…

They lead him to Neil, the realest thing he’s ever known.

[gender-snatched]

in no particular order whatsoever, I present you some good queer media: ((very minor spoilers for some things))

- black sails! it's a series, 4 seasons, 30 something episodes total, I haven't watched it yet but someone just recommend it to me and it sounds amazing. they're pirates, it's got a lot of queer characters, characters of color, and it deals (really fucking well, from what I heard) with topics of racism, misogyny, cissexism, poverty and how all of these relate and how systems oppress marginalized people and a bunch of other stuff. there's also at least two different poly relationships (a triad and a V). also it's got legit really fucking good writing, like legit legit good.

- the penumbra podcast!! I have listened to this one and it's a fucking masterpiece. it's got two main storylines; the first one (Junoverse) is a noir detective type but it's in Mars in the future (with a non-binary he/him bisexual lady as a main character and it deals (really well) with a lot of mental health issues, mainly depression) and it turns into space pirates in the third season and I think there's only one canon cis/straight person in the whole thing everyone else is queer and the other main storyline (Second Citadel) is more classic fantasy knights and monsters with a lot of questions of morality and "what's really a monster" and a poly relationship (and scaley monsterfuckers) and honestly a lot of queer characters

- Welcome To Night Vale!! I feel like this would be right up your street, honestly. it's a podcast, it follows a radio show from this town, Night Vale, where a lot of really weird supernatural shit happens, and the radio host, Cecil telling us (the town) about what's up. it's really fun and weird, it's not scary at all if that's a concern, it's very explicitly queer (in the very first episode Cecil falls in love with a man and tells the whole town about it) and it depicts a very healthy gay couple and great character development and it's honestly really fun, you get to know a lot of the townfolk and their stories and it's great

- The Adventure Zone! it's an actual play podcast, the McElroy brothers (you may know them?) and their dad play d&d. they just finished their third campaign and are starting the 4th one this week I think. the first campaign is by far my favourite. it starts kinda rough, they're playing dnd for the first time and the story and characters are pretty weak, but by the third or fourth arc you can tell how much they've learnt in the process. the fourth arc is where the story starts picking up and by the end (there's 69 (ha) episodes divided into 8 or 9 arcs) you'll be sobbing your eyes out for the last ten episodes. it's classic dnd fantasy stuff with at least three explicitly queer relationships (one of the main characters is gay and in a relationship) and w at least one explicitly trans character. it was their first time, they tried and did fairly well tbh. the second campaign is shorter, settled in modern real life Kepler, West Virginia where basically cryptids are real and the main three kill monsters in a monster of the week type of thing. (one of the main three is bi and in a queer relationship, there's one nb they/them character). and the third campaign just finished, it's real fun too, three college students of a heroes and villains school, in a (fantasy) world where heroes and villains are like A Thing and The System sucks and the message is basically to overthrow capitalism lmao

I swear I consume more media than just podcast but rn I just can't think of any...

also not exactly queer media but:

- Phineas and Ferb, it's a classic, you probably watched it on TV as a kid (I did) but it merits a rewatch

- Gravity Falls, same thing, I'm still not over how fucking good this show is

- Steve Universe, I know things got heated up in the fandom at some point but I ignored the fuck out of everyone and enjoyed it anyways because it's good

- how to train your dragon, they're all good okay, they are, watch them again

- Big Mouth. you're like 15 right? you can watch big mouth, I highly recommend it, it's really good. it's for some queer characters but they're even the main focus of some episodes/storylines, but it doesn't even matter, the whole series is just really good.

- Megamind, it's probably better than you remember

- also, you're into star trek right? have you watched discovery? I haven't watched s3 yet but it's good

I went completely off the rails halfway through this but still, hope you check out some new thing!! (and if you do post about it, I wanna know) (also can you guess who I am? I feel like it's kinda obvious sjsksk)

- j

Thank you!!! I really like WTNV, and I've been meaning to watch/listen to those other ones! And I never actually watched Phineas and Ferb, but I've heard it's good. Gravity Falls and Steven Universe are both on my list! And I hella hyperfixated on HTTYD in sixth grade. Megamind is amazing!!!!! And I sadly can't watch Disco cuz I don't have Paramount+, but I wish I could!

And surprisingly I can't guess who you are but that's probably due to me being a dumbass who can't really tell typing styles apart

[glitterblazercalum]

got a river for a soul, and baby, you’re a boat

or:  Oh, fuck. We showed up wearing matching couples’ costumes to this party by accident and now everyone thinks we’re together.” + cashton

hello and happy halloween everyone!! giant thank u to ainslee @ashesonthefloor for putting this event together!! and for forcing me to actually get this fic done, looking it over, and generally being a major source of serotonin in my life. another huge thank u to bella @clumsyclifford for being one of my favorite people and loving frat boys enough that it made me want to write a fic about them to annoy her <3 love you both <3 

here is the link to the event masterpost bc I highly recommend checking out all of the other amazing fics: 

https://ashesonthefloor.tumblr.com/post/633534107120549888/hello-welcome-to-my-halloween-fic-event

warnings: mentions of alcohol

word count: 2,872

without further ado, please enjoy the fic I wrote mostly all last night while looping drag me down for thirteen hours straight :))

Calum doesn’t know what fuckhead came up with the idea of having a joint Halloween party for Sigma Nu and Sigma Pi this year, but he really wants to fight them. He thinks he’d probably have a lot of people on his side, considering how much Sig Nu and and Sig Pi hate each other, so he tucks the idea of interfraternity war away in his head as a contingency plan in case the party goes to shit, as joint parties with any other frat always seem to. And it’s not like it’s a one night thing, because all three days of the “Halloweekend,” as Michael refuses to stop calling it, are supposedly going to be spent with Sig Nu, one party at their own house, and two at the shithole that he assumes is the Sig Nu house, in some deranged attempt at bonding. He’ll be lucky to make it out alive, probably. 

Before college, he really never did anything of his own for Halloween, mainly used to being used as a prop or side character for his sister Mali-Koa’s elaborate costumes, or, after she’d moved out, sticking a pair of fake fangs in his mouth to hand out candy to the few kids who rang the doorbell despite his efforts to keep all the lights in the house off. Last year, as a freshman, he’d gotten roped into a group costume with some of the other Sig Pi pledges, and while his memories are...hazy at best, he vaguely remembers falling asleep in a Teletubbies onesie at the end of the night. 

This year, though, no one has tried to tell him what to dress up as, so it’s now a few hours before the first of the three parties, and Calum still has no ideas for what he should dress up as. A quick Google search for “cheap easy costumes” hadn’t really been all that helpful, so he decides to ignore the problem and take a nap until he actually has to leave. 

A few hours later, Michael barges into the room to drag him out of bed, and looks around for a few seconds before asking, “You don’t have a costume, do you?”

Calum groans, pulling himself out of bed and wracking his brain for an idea that he can plausibly bullshit in the next few seconds, because he can’t let Michael be right and have something to tease him about, so he blurts, “I’m going to be a salt shaker.” 

Michael gapes at him a bit for a few seconds before asking, “What the fuck? What kind of costume is that? What are you even going to wear for that?” 

Calum mentally kicks himself in the shin, as hard as possible, because he really hasn’t thought this through. Why couldn’t he have just said cat or cowboy or something even slightly in the realm of normal Halloween costumes? 

“Uhhh.. y’know that baseball tee I have? The one with the black sleeves and white middle?” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s in my closet, but continue.” 

“What the fuck, dude? Give it back!” 

“You haven’t noticed that it’s missing for like three weeks, I just assumed it was mine now. Tell me what the rest of the costume is,” Michael demands. 

“I’ll just tape a piece of paper with a big ‘S’ on it to the front of my shirt, and then put one of those pots with the holes on my head. Bam! Salt shaker!” Calum says, moderately impressed with his ability to pull stuff out of his ass this quickly. 

“What makes you think we even have a colander?” Michael asks, crossing his arms. 

Calum gives him a blank stare. “A what?” 

“That’s what the pots with the holes are called, you idiot.” 

“You think Harry would live anywhere that didn’t have a fully-stocked kitchen? There’s bound to be one in one of the cabinets or something.” 

“Fine. I’ll go get the shirt while you look for the colander.” Before Calum can object, suggest that he look through Michael’s closet himself and steal back any of his other clothes that have somehow wound up there, Michael’s already halfway down the hallway. 

Sighing, he trudges down the stairs towards the kitchen, where one of the seniors, Niall, is sitting with his head in his hands, dressed as a pirate. 

“Hey, dude, nice costume,” Calum offers as a greeting. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can find a colander, would you? I know Harry—” 

“Do not talk to me about Harry right now,” Niall says, and Calum stops his search for a moment to send him a concerned look.

“What happ—” 

“That needy-ass motherfucker thinks that just because I didn’t want to do a couples’ costume with him, it means I don’t love him anymore! Never mind the fact that he literally mentioned this idea to me yesterday, well past the point where everyone finalizes their costumes.” 

Calum offers him a sympathetic look and offers, “Couples’ costumes are boring and cheesy anyways. Neither of you are missing out on anything, at least in my opinion.”

Niall lifts his head up from where he’d been repeatedly hitting it on the table to smirk at Calum and ask, “Have a lot of experience with couples’ costumes, do you?” 

Luckily, Calum has finally found the colander, so he opts to ignore the question and just leave the kitchen entirely. 

When he gets back upstairs, Michael’s in his room, unabashedly checking himself out in the mirror that’s on the back of the closet door. “Yeah, yeah, your anime character of the year looks great, now get out and let me get ready.” 

Michael scoffs, “Get ready, as if you’re even doing anything,” but moves towards the door anyway. 

Michael’s right, the costume is ridiculously easy to throw together, and two minutes later, they’re both out the door, walking across Fraternity Row to get to the Sig Nu house, where the music is already blaring and strobe lights throw red, then green, then blue shadows across everyone’s faces. On his way to the kitchen to grab a drink, he sees Niall and Harry walk into the house, holding hands and laughing together, so he assumes that their fight has blown over as quickly as all of their other fights always seem to.

He sees a few different trays of shots and decides he might as well take one to get the night started off right. After, he realizes that he probably shouldn’t grab a beer now, Mali’s rule about sticking to one color of booze for the night ringing in his head, so he settles for filling up a Solo cup with whatever glow in the dark gin concoction is in all the punch bowls. He wouldn’t put it past the Sig Nus to poison the drink on purpose, but it tastes relatively normal, so he grabs another cup for Michael and attempts to leave the kitchen, steering around the couple sloppily making out in the doorway. 

It’s harder to spot Michael than it usually is, considering that at least half the people at the party are wearing some type of wig, but Calum eventually makes his way back over to him. He’s talking to Niall and Harry, and they both offer him a smile before continuing on with the conversation. Once that reaches a lull, Niall leans closer to Calum and says, “Mate, you didn’t need to lie to me about couples’ costumes.” 

Calum has no idea what Niall is talking about, so he shakes his head and asks, “What are you talking about?” 

Niall cackles, and Harry turns to look at him adoringly before going back to talking to Michael, and Calum is more confused than ever. Niall grabs his shoulder and spins him around and points in the direction of a clump of people. “You’re salt and he’s pepper, right? That’s such an obvious couples’ costume, although you two do seem to have a bit of a disconnect on how much effort you put in. That guy really went all out. And dude, why haven’t you told us that you have a boyfriend? You know we’d want to know about that, give him the Sig Pi seal of approval and all that. Wait. Unless he’s a Sig Nu, in which case, I don’t want to know because I’d probably have to kick you out. That’s a joke, by the way.” 

Calum barely has the presence of mind to mumble, “He’s not my boyfriend,” before crossing the room to get to the guy in the hyper-realistic pepper grinder costume. 

The guy smiles as Calum approaches, and despite the costume covering most of his body, Calum can tell that he’s cute. “Why so salty?” Pepper Guy greets, the sunshiney smile still on his face. 

Calum smirks and replies, “Maybe I just need some more spice in my life.” Pepper Guy laughs, and just like everything else about him, it’s cute, and Calum wants to hear it again. “I’m Calum, by the way.”

“Ashton. Nice to meet you, man.” 

Calum leans a little closer so that it’s easier to hold a conversation over the loud music and asks, “What’s the deal with the super realistic pepper grinder costume?” 

Ashton makes a strange noise, somewhere between a laugh and a groan, and says, “I got it off some random sketchy website, but it was supposed to be a chess piece. Something clearly went wrong somewhere in production, and my friend Luke said that I might as well sharpie a “P” onto it and just go with it.” 

Calum makes a noise of agreement, mind stuck on a dumb idea. Before he can reconsider, he sends Michael a quick text that says if u’ve already taken over as dj, can u play that come grind w me song? and a few seconds later, he hears the opening notes and grins. 

“Hey, Ashton?” 

“Yeah?” Ashton replies, as realization slips across his face.

Right in time with the singer’s voice, Calum says, “Come grind with me,” and he laughingly pulls Ashton towards the makeshift dance floor. Neither of them can really dance, so it’s a mess of laughter and limbs flopping around, but Calum feels an unmistakable electricity between them too, and once the song is over, they stay for the next few, enraptured by each other. When they finally exhaust themselves with all the laughing and mock-twerking, Ashton asks Calum if he wants a refill, and when Calum nods, he grabs his hand and starts pulling him towards the kitchen. 

Once they’re there, Calum goes for another serving of the glow in the dark punch, which is steadily dimming as the glow sticks run out of light. Since that’s really the only light source in the kitchen, Calum doesn’t see Ashton until he’s turning around and Ashton is right in front of him, reaching around him for a cup. Calum’s kind of trapped with his back against the counter, Ashton’s pepper grinder costume tall enough to really block out the view of the rest of the party, and the world narrows, all of it contained in where their eyes connect, and then, after Calum has safely set his drink back on the counter, that narrow point expands just a bit to where their mouths land on each other’s. The colander gets knocked off Calum’s head as he lifts himself up to sit on the counter, wrapping his legs around Ashton’s waist to pull him closer, as close as he can possibly get him. 

Ashton’s sucking a mark into Calum’s neck when Calum has his first coherent thought of the past few minutes and pulls back, breathlessly asking “Wait, wait, you’re not a Sig Nu, are you?” fully expecting the answer to be no.

Ashton steps back a little too, and it takes him a second to register the question before he groans, “Of course you’re a fucking Sig Pi, that’s the only explanation that makes sense for me never seeing you anywhere before. You’re too hot for me to not notice otherwise.” 

Calum flushes and mentally curses out whatever idiots had started the rivalry between Sig Nu and Sig Pi before he grabs his stupid colander off the ground and gives Ashton an awkward wave goodbye.  

Once he’s out of the kitchen, he quickly glances around in search of Michael, and when he can’t immediately find him, he just gives up and leaves entirely. Fuck Sig Nu. 

He spends most of the next day bitching about his hangover, and then, a few hours later, bitching about his hangover while helping to set up the house for that night’s party. 

He doesn’t really have much more of a costume for tonight, throwing on a gray shirt and sharpie-ing some whiskers on his face. Michael takes pity on him and makes him a headband with an approximation of what they both think mouse ears are, and Calum is mildly entertained by going up to everyone and saying, “I’m a mouse, duh.” 

His heart’s really not in the right place to party tonight, which is probably breaking the cardinal rule of being in a frat, so he sticks close to Michael, who has taken over the role of DJ, once again. Zayn from Alpha Sig strolls over after about half an hour, devil horns askew, and quietly says to Calum, “Cat and mouse, huh? Didn’t think you had it in you, Hood, that’s proper cute. Not as cute as me and Lou, mind you, but still, I respect the effort.” 

Calum is reluctant to look up and see who he’s accidentally matching with today, because, with his luck, it’s probably another guy from Sig Nu. When he does eventually look up, he immediately makes eye contact with Ashton, who happens to be walking by, dressed in all black and with whiskers sharpie’d onto his face too. Calum wants to bang his head into a wall because the universe clearly hates him if it’s having him match with Ashton again. Even beyond that, Ashton looks so good out of the stupid pepper grinder and in all black that Calum wants to make out with him again. 

Ashton is clearly having similar thoughts when he gestures Calum over and leads them towards a little pocket of quiet space in one of the lesser used hallways. 

Calum really wants to hook his thumb into one of Ashton’s belt loops, so he does, as Ashton looks him up and down a few times. “Is the mouse costume your way of telling me you want me to chase you?” 

Calum murmurs, “Shut up,” before leaning in to kiss him, frat rivalry be damned. It’s just as good as it was the night before, maybe even more so, now that the pepper costume isn’t in their way. At this point, there’s no denying the chemistry. It can’t be blamed on being drunk since Calum’s been nursing the same beer all night, and the part of his brain that’s protesting against being this close to a Sig Nu is getting smaller and smaller as he and Ashton continue to kiss. 

They stay in that hallway for the rest of the night, eventually sliding down to sit on the ground, legs pressed together, sharing stupid stories about their respective frats. Calum’s surprised when the music shuts off because it feels like it’s only been an hour at most, that’s how easy it is to talk to Ashton. Ashton heaves himself up and reaches both hands down to help Calum up, too. 

“I don’t think there’s any way you can match your costume to mine tomorrow, but I’ll come find you anyways,” Ashton says, as he leaves Calum with a kiss on the cheek. 

Calum’s too wired to sleep much, so he opts to help clean up the house instead, and that takes up enough of his day that when nighttime rolls around, he’s stood staring at his closet without a costume idea for the third time in as many days. After ten minutes of consideration, he digs through one of his drawers to pull out the fake vampire fangs that he had somehow remembered to bring with him, and he goes down the hall to ask Jack to put some fake blood on his mouth and neck. Jack always goes all out for Halloween. 

Once he’s at the party, he doesn’t have to wait long to find Ashton, who looks incredibly good in his werewolf costume. There’s fake blood on him too, which is really the only way their costumes could be understood to be matching, or so Calum thinks. Tonight, Jack and Alex are the ones to tease him, “You know what, I agree. Jacob and Edward should have ended up together, Bella was boring as shit.” 

Calum’s really not bothered by the comments at all, so much so that he’s already thinking of couples’ costumes ideas for next year when he finds his way over to Ashton and whispers, “Let’s get out of here.” 

“Are you trying to make a move on me? I’m a respectable Sigma Nu, I don’t know if I can allow that.” 

 Calum laughs and tugs him out the door, “Told you I wanted some more spice in my life.” 

[floraisann]

ateez reaction: filming an asmr video with an asmrtist s/o

➣ requested? X

➣ genre: fluff(prolly not but we’ll go w it), humor

➣ masterlist

A/N: yeah this was made entirely bc i was thinking about seonghwa getting scared over the fact that he made a nice sound in his one asmr vid so,,,, yeah. enjoy! :)

❅♩♬♩❅――

❥ kim hongjoong

was iffy about the idea until he realized hey, the two of you could still make music, just much quieter

you’d probably film like,,,, asmr songwriting,,,,, where it’s just you two working silently on a song

in the beginning it’s really quiet, but you do get some sexy pencil/keyboard sounds 🥰💕

once he gets into the groove of things he’s very calm and focused, and that relaxing vibe transfers into the video

tries to do actual asmr triggers, but everything gains rhythm and before you know it heyyy this a pretty sick beat 😳

the song he ends up writing uses only asmr triggers for the instrumental along with very soft vocals, and bc this man lives and breathes music ITS A WHOLE BOP

10/10 content. would nap to again

❥ park seonghwa

could not find gifs of his asmr video smh but anyways seonghwa, we know ur hot already, we get it. pls calm down

kq sir where’s the seonghwa asmr series the people don’t just want it, the people NEED it

was ready for this since before he exited the womb

since this man is already a whole asmrtist you’d film something like that “asmr friend tries giving me tingles” video 

very excited by the expensive mic

“is this how you do it” except he really doesn’t have any reason to ask you, he already knows what he’s doing

gets REALLY shook whenever he makes a god sound

like remember the plastic wrap/facial mist moment he had in his own vid?? that x10

the video you post with him ends up your most viewed. not because of the emotional support kpop boy you got on the video, no it’s the extreme quality 

❥ jeong yunho

you guys would probably film SOMETHING with talking, maybe one of the asmr interviews w magazine does

except there’s a real asmrtist asking questions and a kpop boy to answer

REALLY good at soft spoken asmr. like the low rumble in his voice!?! mmm. 23/10 would tingle again

probably really good in general. like even if he doesn’t watch asmr normally will probably watch a number of videos before filming to make editing easier on you so the video is actually VERY GOOD

honestly he probably makes the best sounds in the video and you’re just like :o

“jeong yunho, where’d you learn how to do that” “👀 the nice russian lady on youtube”

overall a very relaxing experience

he’d probably end up filming w you again because of how smoothly it goes

well done jeong yunho

❥ kang yeosang

does not have the slightest clue what the fuck he’s doing but he’s already quiet and gentle so you wouldn’t be able to tell

the very definition of fake it til you make it!

anyways you’d also probably have to film a semi-crackhead video with him to keep him engaged

yk the crush on 9 fast tapping relay thing w his 3 friends? i imagine that but w yeosang

maybe not the same exact concept, but like you’d definitely make something with the same relaxed “just playing around w my friends :)” energy

that being said yeosang is a package deal. if you have yeosang, at least one other member will make an appearance

but he’ll make sure it’s at least not the chaos lord wooyoung

idk his humor’s kind of underrated but it would definitely show in smth like that

like he’d actually produce good content, but his bloopers would be so funny that you can’t remove them, you just quiet them

the people would want him back anyways so he’d get better with time

10/10 recommend this mans as an asmrtist kq where’s the ateez asmr-

❥ choi san

i was looking for a certain gif of him from the woosan tingle interview and i was unsuccessful but you know what? this is just as good if not better because SAN

a lil too psyched for this relaxation joint but issokay, he cute

y’all probably make some type of ear cleaning video bc remember how excited he was when they gave him the earpick 🥺 

very focused on sound quality

squeaks whenever he makes a somewhat unpleasant sound

gets shiber into the video as an object to make triggers with

probably gets tingles somewhere along the way and just giggles to himself. it’s a little loud but please don’t edit it out

can and will recite ateez intros/outros. like he’ll just be vibing petting shiber then suddenly he’s leaning into the mic and just

“the freezing winds may make us-” he starts shaking shiber to emphasize his point “-shiverrr”

and what can you do but smile when all that separates you from the only man ever is a binaural mic?

one of the members whose end video is actually super high quality

❥ song mingi

clueless. there are three question marks floating above his head at all times

like he’s actually trying, he’s just big and loud

follows you around like a lost puppy

tries VERY hard to copy whatever you do and it’s VERY cute

phases in and out of whispering but completely on accident, he’s lost

like yunho, actually has a nice soft speaking voice once he figures that shit out

cute smile when he’s actually producing good content

honestly tho for mingi to stay engaged you might have to play some sort of game 

the video would probably be one of those “guess the trigger” games

like the one co9 made w his one friend? yeah that

mingi would end up with the chicken toy though

you’d have a lot of bloopers bc he either hits something/talks too loud/laughs but it’s okay, we stan song mingi!! and you know he wasn’t nearly as bad as a certain sagi groupmate he has!!!!

❥ jeong wooyoung

my good nctzens, my fellow grass, you know the jsmr jeno filmed w jaemin that absolutely went to shit? that’s what you’re filming with wooyoung. 

he’s jaemin, obviously

you’re probably gonna film some type of cooking asmr so he’s not BREATHING DIRECTLY INTO THE MIC

PLEASE don’t bring the electric mixer PLEASE make him whisk the batter like a “real man”

you probably get a shot somewhere along the way of him tossing an ingredient wrapper into the stratosphere or several

will lean into the mic to bring up a random tmi he remembered, all while breathing VERY heavily “ATINY DO YOU WANNA HEAR MY YOSHI IMPRESSION”

when he does that too he probably phases in and out of whispering in his excitement. your ears? wasted. 

probably whisper yells too

the video ends up really short because wooyoung is too chaotic for this type of thing. record a normal cooking video with him next time, please.

❥ choi jongho

actually relaxed, even gets the art of not breathing at the mic down very quickly and picks up filming tricks along the way

but since he’s still part of the chaos line you’d film something like the gibi/marno/goodnight moon collabs.

50% asmr misc. roleplay, 50% comedy film

an apple would make its way into the video YES he’ll break it

but far enough from the the mic that it doesn’t break you ears

and mr jongho is the master of keeping a straight face. the one pulling the stupid shit would be both of you, but ALL your noise cuts would be because YOU laughed, not him

maybe if you two had a brain this would’ve been the most successful endeavor but nope y’all take “no thoughts, head empty” way too seriously for that to happen

anyways stan choi jongho, aka my fav grocery store

❅♩♬♩❅――

[macgyvertape]

50 or so hours into Cyberpunk 2077

This should be roughly the correct amount of time, ive been leaving the game running as I get up to get food or do stretches. Quests are roughly in order I did them

non spoilers above cut:

 i haven't found a single hat/helmet i like, and since you can't hide them I just am not wearing any. It matters that much.

I posted the other day about bugs, every few hours I play I find new bugs. some require me to go back and reload a save others I honestly can’t tell if it’s a bug or just really poor development

there are several perks that don’t quite do what the description says, like the Anamesis perk. Based on reddit and trying it out it seems to just not do anything.

sometimes in car chase segments the passenger will say “look out” as cars spawn in my path and hit me. Can’t tell if that was deliberate or a pop in issue

Yeah I’ve just totally given up on doing pacifist things unless required by a mission. Given up on doing stealth too unless a mission objective, except for sneaking around to set up a fight.

:readmore:

the delemain car quest is fun. From the shock of the one going "beep beep motherfucker" and doing a hit and run to start it off, to the GLADOS car i see a lot of people talking about. It was fun to explore the city when i might have missed places like the landfill apparently there is follow up on T-bug's death if you go back to the quick hack shop in Kabuki. It's not much but better than nothing I made the pass with Panam of "what if the room just had one bed". I know she won't do a wlw romance, which is fine since I wouldn’t have chosen her.  I enjoy her as a character, don’t get me wrong, my V considers her as a friend, but it seems like theres always drama going on which would be tiring. I would have gone for a fling, i like her leotard-pants combo with all the straps

but also her questline was buggy as hell. Multiple cases of having to reload due to clipping into objects, including her in a driving section, or just insta-dying when collision physics with some rocks broke "your neural network can no longer function independantly of the chip" me slapping my desk: s y m b i o te!!! come on lets have some s y m b i o s i s

in the scene with hellman i really liked how Johnny moved around the room. It made him feel like he was really there. it was hard to follow the convo as I left the room, i would not have understood it without subtitles. But i guess Takemura fucking waterboarded hellman. :|

lol I hope the dialogue is different b/c i refuse to smoke for Johnny

i am level 18 and still can't beat the first opponents in the fist fighting quest. ffs

I looked up the romances options so I went to do the I fought the law quest as soon as i got it. ACAB, but like I literally just met River Ward 2 minutes ago, and I really like him. His earring and cyborg eye, his big fluffy coat. I'm definitely gonna sleep with him Ok i like how when River Ward is dealing with the tiger claws if you interject it leads to a fight. It goes better if you follow his instructions and let him deal with it. Seriously I enjoy that sometimes its good to not pick a dialogue choice.

during the red queen club part, there was no dialogue over the phone. So i reloaded a save and got myself spotted and attacked. Then River showed up to help me <3 and it was more enjoyable having him there. I honestly am not sure if him not going to the club level is bug or not.

then uuuuuugh the worst of irl police "cops are my family" from Detective Han. Again ACAB "FRATERNITY OF CITY COPS RESEMBLES A [Nomad] CLAN NOT AT ALL" ok a few minutes ago i was complaining about bugs, but the character modeling in this game is good (when they're there). You can see body posture, characters jiggle their legs when they are nervous. Like I though character A was just throwing a cigarette on the ground, but then character B flinches back; I realize Char A threw it at B as a fuck you

I'm honestly curious if "I fought the Law" quest will have any impact later on. My choices were that I thought there was more going on than Holt being the only person behind this (based on how complicated the main questline heist is, and keeping an eye on some of the in game news), and told him not to take it to internal affairs, and I loved his response of how he doesn't give a shit what we think, he's doing it anyway.

In the elevator to report in, Johnny said "this muck is deeper than you think, tell them nothing", so i just said that the case was complicated. anyway i love how much of a sarcastic asshole V is

I thought i was being nonlethal with the monk quest, but it seems i accidently killed someone. RIP, but thats kind of the problem with this game. Like when i do the non lethal cyberpychosis quests I equip my non lethal modded gun and hope for the est. I like how a go here kill things quest led to Charles the ripperdoc. He's getting all his parts from scav gang members so I felt obligated to take him out. I got a police bounty for it but w/e.

I merged the Delemain fragments with the whole. Guess he's the meta now. (Side note: some of my favorite rvb fanfic plots are Ai consiousness/memory merging with the humans, so I’m having fun with this game and look foward to introspective fanfic)

Honestly Jonny made some good points, the fragments didn't deserve to die; but also destroying the core and freeing the fragments, they couldn't really function alone.

I was able to rescue Saul fine with stealth. Using cameras and the synapse overload really made it easy.  Can't use the sniper rifle reward b/c I don't have the stats for it, and while it has a silencer the fact that it's a ricochette weapon and not a shoot through walls weapons, makes it not as good imo; and theres a legendary one that is stats free for only 100k.

Lol made a pass again at Panam, and she immediately shut me down. I then did Mitch's quest and I love every time someone tells V they area  good person.

I hacked the operation carpe noctem shard, and wow the corporations are using ai to make people have cyberpsychosis, or something like that. What a shocker /s, I've played Deus Ex HR before

lol driving through the unifinished interstate, past the fight from Panam's first quest I found a "batcave" with a very nice car, and a manifesto written by "muckman'. But here's my complaint about the loot, there is a legendary top, but it had 16 armor. My current top has 84 armor, like why would i switch?? then later i found a bunker with soviet spies in it. Wild

Doing River's second quest, love the timing of as soon as you ask, why are we breaking in, someone shows up to tell you he got kicked off the force. It's funny how Johnny comments how maybe River's into you, and V just doubts Johnny's words. Love how the first kid asks River if I'm his girlfriend. also wow like oof both the second parts of Judy and River's quest are SUPER fucked UP!! oof like i stopped doing first person mode on the braindances for those quests as soon as i could, just made me too uncomfortable seeing that in first person.

DRIVING IN THE GAME IS BAD! nowhere is it more apparent than the sinnerman quest, which took me 3 times to get the driving section done, as cars spawned out of nowhere to hit me. Then when you restart, there is a bunch of dialogue it doesn't let you fast forward through. The rest of the Sinnerman questline is interesting. My V took every option to tell the dude that he was messed up, and what he was doing was wrong. idk, I was surprised how much dialogue there was that let you buy into his whole "forgiveness thing" and how there wasn't any real dialogue to call him the fuck out, that in seeking forgiveness he continues to do harm both emotional to the mother of the man he killed, but also that he got the husband killed via cop. The later follow up quest, I told him that what he is doing is crazy, studio is just going to profit off this vid. Then I refused to join him prayer, and told him fuck no i wasn't going to hammer him to the cross, or even watch. Yes, the man is scared of dying, and the corporation is exploiting him, but he keeps creating burdens for others.  I think the discussion on this quest will be interesting to read, it's definitely my own personal experience with religion coloring my view. Anyway back to a main quest, yeah i don't trust Placide, especially in that scene where he grabs my hand, then jacks in. I ran off to do most of the sidequests here and got some criticism from him. I do love how in the cinema the western movie switches to a mission brief as the netwatch agent talks. its a fun enviromental detail.  I took the netwatch offer, i don't think he's being fully honest with me, but he didn't put a virus in my head. As I told Placide later, I didn't pick a side. I like how you can then talk with the agent, who is a fan of Western movies, b/c they show "a simpler time where all good guys carry badges" :eyeroll:, and then V recommends Unforgiven, which from the wiki summary goes against that theme.

Looks like the Voodoo boys all got killed by Netwatch, but I as revenge for them trying to set me up I'm fine with it. Honestly after speaking with ai!Alt I don’t believe their plan of trying to be on good relations with AI would work. 

doing the johnny flashback 2, and wow Johnny really is an asshole. Like I had gotten so used to him in side missions I forgot how self centered and unlikable he was.You constantly get prompts to drink or do drugs, which I ignored. But i do love the goth/punk love Rogue and others have.

lol i called it, when Hellman said that the engram would seek to override the host, put V on the engram. I really like how as the relic malfunctions, you wind up in the chair with a cigarette, which you can either smoke and say you are turning into Johnny or throw away. My dialogue "your problem is the ends justify the means", which is true!!! He and Rogue detonated a nuke downtown, does anyone know that, and like ask Rogue about it????

(Funny you can ask Rouge about Johnny silverhand, over the phone, then the game bugs out and spawns her npc where you are. She doens't say much about the nuke, but she does say no one trusts you for jobs). The line of no one trusting you for jobs is pretty funny at level 46 street cred where im at “respected” status. really loving the family atmosphere at River's 3rd quest. Also his big strong arms, and the fact he is no longer a cop. I totally let the kids win, and wow the family dinner where they GRILL YOU over the relationship and try to set the two of you up, then the water tower scene!!!!! I don't love the first person sex cutscenes but they do have personality. I'm glad afterwards you got to tell River about the biochip and that you might die. Because he's so far removed from your personal plot. So I took that option to back out of a relationship.

I do love that you wake up with "river's tanktop" that says "fuck the police" It actually has extremely good armor stats, so thats what I'll wear now.

panam 3rd quest, when shes like why did you help me, I'm like "because it's important to you". Basically the closest you can get to "when a friend asks for help you help them", which as an ex-nomad backstory I really choose the nomad options when ever i can Paralezes quest part 2! I love the piano song but I always think of it as ocean's 11 music. It's also fun to see the computer and see Judy recommended you for the first quest. The emails talk about "forgetting" to hire a staffer, on the balocony a strange antennia was scannable, the color of the roses was remembered wrong...  lol guess i was right with those giant wall screens. Its fun environmental details that spell things out before you can notice, and it ties into some other quests where people's behavior is being altered. Actually, this quest "Dream On" I love it! For a while I've been like "wheres the illuminati conspiracy! Here it IS! I chose to follow Elisabeth's wishes and not tell her husband he was being brainwashed. In best case they program him to forget again, in worst case he ends up dead. The gaslighting Elisabeth described is CHILLING, her husband describes a vacation she can't remember and she doesn't know whose memories have been messed with. On your way to the plaza you get a call from someone/something that says the know exactly WHAT you are, any you black out!!! It's such a great feeling of helplessness that you're just one person in a world so big that you can't fight every power. As Johnny said, could be a corporation, could be a rogue ai, either way Jefferson is fucked (and so are you).

[ancient-bruises-ancient-moon]

ok SO I got an anon I wasn’t gunna respond to but I'm enjoying a vegan chocolate banana cookie dough thc/cbd infused smoothie I invented so fuck it, let’s do this

this isn’t gunna be eloquent at all and I hope what im intending to say comes off correctly. may not, my brain is mush- but here we go!

so last night/technically this morning I reblogged a lot from this brilliant intersexism blog. (highly recommend giving a follow!) which led to...a bizarre ass anon this morning (I'll make another post linking to her blog so ya’ll can follow. she doesn’t need to deal w/ this post after everything else she deals w/ on here- unless u want to ofc!! hi ur cool! ANYWAY...)

I don’t remember the exact wording but it was something like “so ud rather have sex w intersex ppl over trans ppl??”

ummm. I literally never said shit about sex w/ intersex ppl?? like, ever.

was that supposed to be some huge “gotcha!!” ??

‘cause it didn’t work, at all.

1. my body is not a democracy

2. why r ya’ll obsessed w sex as validation

3. ur rly gunna ask me, essentially, if I'd rather be intimate w a deranged narcissistic reality denying manic OR a person with an intersex disorder...and u rly think I'm gunna be like OH NO I’D RATHER HAVE SEX W A MANIAC???

like...it’s rly not ab sex at all but did u RLY think that was gunna work in ur favor somehow?? and if u did, why did u think so? could it be bc u use intersex ppl as pawns for ur arguments but then don’t actually consider them ppl that can be in loving and intimate relationships? do u rly think this is activism? do you feel no shame?? you should be fucking embarrassed. this is so embarrassing for you. 

something ya’ll don’t realize: I worked at a center that offered therapeutic services, std testing, & peer activity groups for lgbtiapqbdsmnlmnop folxxxx

I know how ya’ll speak to your therapists, to your peers when you think no one is listening, I watch ya’ll take credit for things u did NOTHING for, I've watched your violence against anyone who disagrees with you (INCLUDING about tv show characters...like, come on..) Adult trans women using fake IDs to try to get into youth events...and then get MAD AT ME when I have to kick A WHOLE ASS HALF DRESSED MAN GRINDING ON THE FLOOR out of an event for CHILDREN... this is beyond just Tumblr. you’re also like this irl. and often, somehow, even fucking worse.

I had far less intersex clients BUT ya know who wasn’t throwing tantrums, being violent, trying to take credit for things they didn’t do, starting fights, sneaking into events to get near minors?? my intersex clients! NOT ONCE. AND  let’s be real...my intersex clients had good fucking reason to be furious and there were absolutely times that I would not have blamed them in the slightest for slapping tf out of someone...but they didn’t. not once. (ngl tho if they did I would have “not seen” what happened tbh bc I am a very responsible adult lmao- I can say this now bc I left the field so it matters not at all for my career)

ya know who would stay after hours, silently crying in rage bc of the shit trans clients said to them? my intersex clients (the big one was trans ppl telling them they’re lucky they get to ~~choose~~ their sex)

ya know who took the time to use open activist hour to build presentations to teach the LARGELY ENTIRELY INEPT staff (myself included, more below) about intersex issues so the people who come after them can get better help than they were able to receive?? I'll give you one guess. 

I left academia and working in the field w/ ppl bc of my experiences at this place & the direction this tender gender trender shit is taking academia. Intersex people deserve so much fucking better than even having to HEAR this bullshit. I would only go back into the field to work with women & intersex individuals. Probably as a volunteer though, but I digress

I worked there when all these new words were coming out too like demisexual android identified diaper baby or whatever the fuck lmao and the trans clients would be FURIOUS when anyone didn’t know wtf it meant

and in contrast our intersex clients were constantly explaining shit to staff/interns/volunteers about their conditions that they should never have had to explain TO THE PROFESSIONALS WHO WERE THERE TO HELP THEM. and I can’t even lie and pretend I fucking knew much, I didn’t. I was hired without even knowing i’d be working w intersex clients- I just needed to show I knew some trans buzzwords. but I put in the time to learn, I read every book any client recommended, any article they emailed me- but honestly that STILL ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH!!!! I should NOT have been hired!!! MY BOSS should not have been hired!!! Actually, the only staff members that actually deserved their job was an gay intersex man. OT but he was so cool and smart and hilarious and like FUN ANGRY like idk how to explain that better lol he was good at getting u pumped up ab shit & good at getting ppl worked up enough to DO something. The only other staff member who actually cared and knew anything was a lesbian woman (of course) but she had recently had a baby and became so afraid for the welfare of her wife and daughter that she went along w trans shit that she KNEW was delusional and unhealthy bc we SAW these trans clients being violent on the Regular. we were legally obligated to call the cops several times. she wasn’t wrong to be afraid but I do think she should have tried to work elsewhere if she could no longer do her job with integrity but that’s a conversation for another day.

agh im just gunna end this post now bc I can rly go on and on but I'll leave the post with this question that I'd very much like an answer to:

how can we as activists be of better service to our intersex sisters? this issue is becoming more and more pressing and I can’t sit back and do nothing for them anymore. does anyone know of intersex only orgs that need volunteers or have suggestions?? PLS LET ME KNOW. I won’t go back to where I was but there’s GOTTA be SOMETHING I can do for the intersex community. let’s figure it out <3 this issue very seriously needs the attention of radical feminists tbh so...let’s do something.

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Things

Was scrolling through my blog yesterday (because who doesn’t scroll through their own blog?) and realized that I haven’t done a life update/list of random thoughts in awhile and I honestly like to look back at them and be reminded of where I was in life at different times + it’s a good way to flesh out my thoughts

So! I guess we can start with law school-I have heard back from 8 out of 9 schools and I have incredibly mixed feelings, I have only been accepted to two schools, and they were two safeties, I have been waitlisted at FOUR and straight rejected from 2 (will go into more details once I have finalized my decisions). Honestly I feel like the two schools that appear to be my options right now in a weird backwards way really are the best choices (at least for my mental health and happiness) because they are in the locations I prefer by far BUT I have also felt a LOT of stress because the legal field is one that places a LOT of emphasis on where you went to school and it seems like if you aren’t at a T-14 you might as well get out now...it’s ironic because when I was applying to undergrad I was so crazy about wanting to go to the school with the best name and seem impressive and when I first started the law school process I just wanted to go where I would be happy and then I found out how much the name matters and I was like wait what no go back. BUT, the schools I have gotten into have AMAZING programs for my specific field soooo Idk, it’s all a give and a take, yeah they aren’t the most prestigious school in the world but they have incredible opportunities for what I want to do and I think that matters too. I’m going to go visit both of them in the next month or two and I’m excited

^also, like I said, mixed emotions. even though I feel like the schools I got into truly are where I will be happiest, I have been feeling a LOT of disappointment in myself for essentially feeling like I ~failed~ in my quest to get into these other schools. I am a super type A high achiever and honestly the past year has been very out of character for me. Sure on paper I did a ton of cool shit and traveled a lot and now I’m working in an impressive position I suppose but I have just felt...off. Like giving 100% of my effort to something is pointless and I have no desire to, and I don’t like that! that’s not me! at the same time I know the admissions process is literally a game. Half the time schools don’t let you in because they think they are your safety and you’re too good and you won’t actually come so they don’t want to waste their space on you, the other half of the time they really aren’t your safety and they are an amazing school but they know that even if you are good enough to get into them, then you’re probably good enough to get into other amazing schools and again, you won’t actually come. IT IS REDICULOUS. and then of course sometimes you really just aren’t good enough but I am SURE that some of my schools are playing this game which on the one hand makes me feel better about myself because wtf is there for me to do in that situation but on the other hand....WTF.

^^also, also I listened to a podcast months ago that someone here actually recommended about the LSAT and they mentioned how big of a deal your score is in determining if you are admitted to a school or not and I 100% believe it. I think my score is a large part of why I’ve had the outcome I have. And that sucks. Because my score is good enough to get me really, really good scholarships to most schools, but not quite good enough to get me into the best schools. And I want to get into those schools. Also I lost my mind studying for that test and I literally just had a bad day on the test day. I never have test anxiety but at the end of the first section I got overwhelmed and just blew it. And that’s what really kills me. I spent months studying, preparing, devoting SO much time to get a score that was literally exactly the same as what I got on my first practice exam. And it was just because I had a bad day.

But it be like that sometimes I suppose!

Okay anyway....so yeah law school things are almost done and I’m honestly really just excited to know where I will end up...also where jared will end up. So far he has been accepted to 2 PhD programs which is really, really exciting because they are HARD to get into...and I think he will get into more because he is a great candidate. It’s crazy to think that we will be long distance for at least 3, maybe 6 years...it’s crazy to even think that it would be possible to be long distance for 6 years because like wtf. I feel like an idiot even thinking that. But in all honesty we have no idea what could happen and it could be much shorter than that or maybe we aren’t even The Ones for each other but...crossing all of these bridges when we get to them. 

Keeping on the subject, living together has been really, really hard if I’m being honest. Sharing a small space with another person...sharing a BEDROOM has been rough because so much of me managing my mental health comes from alone time and having a chance to process things and recharge (also I’m an only child so....alone time). Also, like I’ve said, working at the same place is nice in some ways but it means were are together sooooooooo much of the day (not actually when we are working but on the way to work, way home, never being home really when the other one is at work because we commute together, etc.). It’s been a tough adjustment. I feel like moving in with your partner can be hard and nobody talks about it so hello world here I am talking about it.

but at the same time it sucks because I keep feeling like I Need To Enjoy Every Second Of This Right Now because we are going to be apart for 34234112412424 years

But living together aside, jared is still just as incredible and wonderful and loving as ever and I appreciate him so much

It’s also kinda crazy that we only have like 2 months left here and they are SO busy. I think we only have 4 weekends that we are both here at the same time with no other plans. Because he has 2 grad school visits, I have 2 law school visits, he has to travel for a family event, his parent’s are visiting one week, my mom is visiting one week, etc. And we still have so much to cross off of our california bucket list 

That being said I think we might take a few weeks to road trip around the west coast in may because 1. I want to travel a lot this summer and 2. we are here 3. there is so much to see out here and a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want to take an entire trip to see in the future but places I would want to spend a day or two visiting

Think: California national parks, OR, WA, vancouver, etc. Depending on where we both end up going to school aka where the car needs to get to we have talked about driving through canada a bit/the northern U.S. (I’m looking at you glacier national park)

But it’s all very up in the air (much like our lives) so we shall see!

Food stuff....idk, I’ve felt stressed just because my anxiety in general has been high and that applies to food because food is part of my life but overall I know I am in a good place, or at least I am continuing the general upward trajectory. I was looking through old food posts on here and realizing so many places where I have come so far even in just a year. A few examples- I honestly love beer and wine (and whiskey) and I enjoy going to breweries or opening a bottle of chilly white wine to have with dinner once in awhile or ordering a fancy cocktail, and I think enjoying alcohol is fun! and normal! and for so long I told myself I didn’t like to drink because I was so scared of the calories in alcohol and how it didn’t have any nutritional value and was a ~waste~ but it is fun and social and often delicious and I don’t stress about it and I enjoy it when I want it and I don’t have it when I don’t! I think college is also just weird because alcohol use is often just about Getting Drunk whereas as you age I feel like you are more often drinking because something sounds good or because it’s a holiday or w/e. Idk it just isn’t as drastic if that makes sense. Other food things that have changed- I used to be so scared of burritos specifically and now I literally eat them all of the time because they are delicious. There are others but this is already so long so I’ll leave ya with those. 

Another related food thing- I feel like I used to be so stressed about food because I was terrified of gaining weight (I guess? I don’t even think it was that I think it was just about being in control.. but anyway) but now I feel like most of my food stress just comes from the fear of feeling uncomfortable- i.e. it’s saturday and 3pm but I feel antsy about eating lunch so late because I don’t want to not feel hungry at dinner time. I have SO much more trust in my body and I literally never worry about it changing in a drastic way because....your body does not really want to change in a drastic way unless you are doing something drastic (or it needs to change to be healthy) in the first place

wow who knew I had so much to say I’ve been typing for like 20 mins and don’t feel like I’ve even gotten into the exciting little details but I should probably stop now because SOMEONE is gonna read this and I don’t want your eyes to fall out of your head (or my fingers to fall off)

[consolecadet]

very long post about ED, weight, health, exercise, disability. sorry

I’ve gotten a lot better about not being too concerned about how my body looks since I started trying to recover from ED ~8 years ago, and a lot better about eating enough food and eating “bad” foods and foods I was afraid of trying, and when I started seriously trying to learn to cook in college it was super healing and good

but getting into biking has been a double-edged sword for me

because I couldn’t walk very far w/ my herniated disc, I had a lot of trouble getting around without a car. and I couldn’t afford a car. but I could afford a bike, and a bike was a lot faster and more efficient for me for getting around school and to gigs and stuff. it felt really good to finally be able to travel cheaply, without pain, on my own schedule, dependent only on myself, especially when I finally got asthma treatment and found I was strong enough to go distances that seemed really far to me

so in that way biking made my life easier and made me feel a lot better about myself as a disabled person, like my disability wasn’t, well, disabling me as much...and biking also 100% precipitated a pretty significant ED relapse during my last 2 years of college and enabled me to stay very focused on Strength and Fitness as defense mechanisms against my and others’ negative feelings about my fatness and disability. I hate dealing with doctors, and I really liked having ‘well I bike 25-50 miles a week’ in my back pocket as a gotcha against doctors making assumptions about me based on my body. and by using that I managed to avoid dealing with a lot of bullshit I’d internalized about health-and-fitness-as-morality-and-value, about being Good Fat Person (even though I would never expect that of anyone else!), about being Good Disabled Person who always showed up and always worked hard and never let my disability get in the way of shouldering a workload as ridiculous or more ridiculous than my abled classmates

this made developing spinal stenosis and becoming almost completely bedridden much, much harder to deal with, emotionally! I spent a lot of time, especially in the first month, freaking out about how I was losing all my Bike Muscle, how my heart and lungs were shriveling up. for the first time in a long while I was Very Very Afraid of gaining weight, because I imagined I would gain a lot of weight from going so long without moving*. I ate a lot less than I should have, in part because it was hard to get food when I could barely tolerate standing or sitting long enough to use the bathroom, but also because I had already been going in the direction of a bad ED relapse. I just went from restrict/binge/exercise-purge to restrict/restrict/restrict, because I couldn’t exercise any more

as you surely know, I’ve developed/found out I had more than my share of health issues since I got out of surgery and started being able to move around again. it’s been difficult trying to keep myself from ascribing morality to them, especially the ones that have happened in part because of the time I spent trapped in bed. I keep having to remind myself that having health problems doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, and that the spinal stenosis happened because I was overworking myself, carrying things that were too heavy for me, and not making the time I needed to care for my spinal health because I was “too busy” and figured that continually riding long distances was enough to keep my back from getting worse

I keep having to remind myself that it’s okay and very normal to get out of breath when I’m trying to bike up a hill, especially given my recent health history, and it’s okay and normal to feel like I need to get off and walk the bike for a while, or even, god forbid, stop and take a break if I feel like it. I keep having to convince myself that it’s okay that I don’t have the resilience or strength to handle full-time or even ‘normal’ amounts of part-time work right now. for crying out loud I have been writing a whole-ass novel just so I’m not ‘unproductive’ during this VERY NECESSARY time of rest and recovery. I keep thinking to myself that I already had months of rest during the time I was bedridden and it’s silly to feel like I need more now, even though that “rest” was just months of agony and involuntary immobility

I still love biking bc it slaughters my last-mile problems and lets me do a lot of things I can’t do by walking, and just because it’s like, fun to do, but I want to acknowledge that it also enabled me to not deal with a lot of shit that made it much harder to cope with my spine crisis and is making it hard to be kind to myself now. I may not care as much about how my body LOOKS but I still have a lot of internalized whatever about how it functions, and it sucks and I am not sure how to unlearn that, especially in the environment I’m in rn

anyway yeah I’m gonna try going back to therapy, even though I hate talking about this shit to therapists because somehow even very radical therapists often haven’t gotten past your most basic HAES concepts and will say all sorts of unintentionally hurtful things in response

shrug

*fwiw, I didn’t, I actually lost weight bc I was eating very little and my muscles atrophied a bunch. I do not recommend this, it really sucks

[dillydedalus]

what i read in january

too many books....

the unwomanly face of war, svetlana alexievich (tr. from russian) oral history of soviet women who served in ww2 (whether as soldiers, pilots, field nurses, laundresses etc, plus partisans) - interesting and harrowing, but honestly (& this just comes with the format i guess but it still made the book less enjoyable for me) pretty repetitive. 3/5

my sister, the serial killer, oyinkan braithwaite dark & snappy novel about beautiful ayoola, who has a habit of killing all her boyfriends, and her resentful but protective older sister korede, who always ends up cleaning up after her - until ayoola starts dating the man korede is in love with. not suuuper substantial, but an entertaining, twisty read with some hidden depths and great dark humour (ayoola about her trip w/ a boyfriend: ‘it was fine.... except he died’). 3.5/5

the private memoirs & confessions of a justified sinner, james hogg (uni) fucking wild ride of a book about (and mostly narrated by) a young calvinist radical who believes that, like, since he is one of the elect of God and his place in heaven is guaranteed no matter what he does, he might as well DO SOME MURDER!!! it’s fun, the theology is absurd, and one of the main characters (our young calvinist’s shapeshifting friend) is probably the devil! 4/5

friday black, nana kwame adjei-brenya collection of mostly speculative/dystopian short stories, some of which work very well, some of which don’t really. the stories based on racism in america are mostly very good, satirically heightening current issues to absurd levels while still feeling true. some others are not as good, including one where a man talks to the ghosts of the fetuses his girlfriend just aborted (like. bad.) the last story, a post-nuclear-apocalypse groundhog day type thing, is brilliant and i almost wish he’d turned into a novel/novella instead. 3.5/5

mythologies, roland barthes god, i wish french crit was always as fun as roro ‘kill the author’ barthes making fun of the myths of american evangelicalism and french imperialism. 3/5

moon of the crusted snow, waubgeshig rice set in a northern canadian first nations reservation, where one autumn, electricity, communications etc. fail. when no news (or scheduled deliveries of food etc) come from the south, the community has to figure out how to get everyone through the winter, relying increasingly on traditional survival skills. quiet & reflective twist on the post-apocalypse/social collapse narrative; occasionally the writing is a bit clumsy, but i’d still recommend it. 3.5/5

the haunting of hill house, shirley jackson a psychological haunted house story, more quietly disturbing than downright scary, but i really enjoyed the way the characters interact with each other and the visceral wrongness of hill house. also interested if anyone has done a queer reading bc i def feel like there’s some subtext between eleanor and theodora that plays into the horror (time to check jstor). and i just love jackson’s style of writing. 4/5

tentacle, rita indiana (tr. from spanish, i read the german translation) weirdo dominican queer post-apocalyptic time travel book involving yoruba/voodoo mysticism, time travel via anemone, art collectives, a trans protagonist who is the chosen one, destined to save the ocean, and a mention of einstürzende neubauten (automatic 0.5 point bonus). really cool! there is a lot of sexual & gendered violence so uh. that’s something to be aware of. 3.5/5

the orenda, joseph boyden ugh. so this is a historical novel set in 1600s northern america, centred around the huron/wendat nation and three characters: the wendat warrior bird, a jesuit missionary called christophe who lives among the wendat, and the young iroquois girl snow falls, who is... forcibly adopted?? by bird to replace his murdered family. interesting concept and a promising first third or so, but unfortunately the book is way too long, the characters and their relationships seemed shallow and their development was more Told than Shown to me, and it just never really came together for me. plus, halfway through i found out that boyden has apparently been either greatly exaggerating or completely making up his own native heritage so uh. bad. 1.5/5

nichts was uns passiert, bettina wilpert smart & very precisely observed story about an alleged rape in a lefty/academic social circle. anna claims jonas raped her at a party, while jonas says the sex was consensual. anna eventually goes to the police and as rumours begin to spread, the people around them begin to take sides and try to figure out how to deal with this thing that Does Not Happen To Us (the title) and is definitely not Done by People Like Us. in a smart twist, this is presented as testimonies collected by an unnamed first-person narrator who questions jonas, anna, their friends and family, which i found very effective as a narrative tool, making everything just ambiguous enough. ends on a legalese gutpunch. 4/5

o caledonia, elspeth barker lovely dark book about janet, outcast at school and in her family, always too intense, too earnest, too clumsy, as she grows up first in wartime edinburgh and then in an old house in the scottish highlands, feeling at home only among animals and the wild & harsh & romantic landscape. lyrically written, sometimes morbid and grim (the book opens with janet murdered at 16 y’all), but often funny and bittersweet as well. loved it! 4.5/5

espedair street, iain banks look, this is a novel about a burnt-out rockstar looking back on his rise to fame and wild life, which is like. incredibly unappealing to me from the beginning. tho i gotta give props to banks for managing to make me at all invested in this story with good writing & well-engineered weirdness - so i guess i need to read something from him where the very premise does not make me roll my eyes. 2/5

eiger dreams: ventures among men & mountains, jon krakauer i would never willingly go mountain-climbing but i sure am highkey obsessed with reading about it. this is a collection of short essays about mountain climbing, some about krakauer’s own experiences (trying to climb the eiger nordwand etc), some about special areas of climbing, infamous climbers etc, and krakauer is a good writer & funny dude (don’t smoke weed in your tent while on an expedition lmao). krakauer says in his foreword that “most climbers aren’t in fact deranged, they’re just infected with a particularly virulent strain of the Human Condition”, which is a great sentence, but based on this and into thin air it seems like that’s in fact the same thing! 3.5/5

fool’s errand (the tawny man #1), robin hobb y’all. i missed my silly silly son fitz who is now significantly older than me, and i was immediately captivated even tho the first 200 pages are mostly fitzy’s Hermit Homesteading Routine with Occasional Visitors. i loved that shit. i loved fitz being reluctantly-but-maybe-not-that-reluctantly being caught in court intrigue & schemes again even more. anyway, hobb’s strength as always is amazing characterisation that makes every character immediately seem real & rich and the relationships between those characters, which are nuanced and fraught and painful and wonderful (also when will fitz & the fool kiss JESUS). also it made me cry a lot about nighteyes, so well done there. 4/5

anyway i am now forcing myself to not just abandon all else and just speed thru tawny man but i really really want to so everything else is going quite slowly 

[soysaucevictim]

Poofed again.

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Mar 2:

I’ve been up since about 7:11 AM.

I’ve mostly spent my day watching/listening to YouTube vids and gaming. :P

So I got my exercise in a bit later than ideal, but I got it done.

First, yesterday’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. Rain-checked on this because my energy levels was really only up for my main workout's cardio. Was contemplating on breaking this up, even now, but glad I pressed on. Counted 249 reps, but heels stopped making consistent contact in the last ~20-50 reps. Oof. :U

Second, today’s DD. 60 scissors with EC. Got a smidge distracted today, but at least it's done on the due date. Pffft! Anyways, I like "crunch" variations where I can keep my head on the floor. :,D

Third, Day 18 of the FCP. Strength training. This was just manageable, relatively anaerobic so I didn’t feel quite as harried as yesterday. Tried to be more mindful about my squatting form - since I’ve noticed a few instances of knee complaints the last few times of ‘em. I think my knees were happier with me. Punches were fun as always~

Last, Day 18 of the TYTC. Simple and fun. Did get a bit of a head rush on the way up from the toe touch - probably a bit dehydrated or something (I did probably have too much sugar and salt for the day).

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Mar 3:

Woke up ~11AM. And I spent most of the day watching YouTube and playing some games. Did also play some cards with family and made dinner.

Only exercise I managed to get done was the DD. 60 bicep extensions with EC. This was a fun way to wake up today! Nice to have a breezier DD at times. :D

Did attempt Day 19 of the FCP... I’ll just copy the tweets I made about it:

HHHHh- I hate holding elbow planks for longer than like a minute. Was only able to will myself through one set of this before going "Fuck it. I'm doing this one tomorrow. I just don't have the energy rn."

Midway into Set 2 I dropped my knees a few times but just kinda stopped at that point. My head just wasn't in the game. (While I'm glad this was going to be only 3 sets - I just yeah. Gdi, man. But I'm not abt to give up on this program, so help me.) :/

Part of why I feel not so great abt this kinda exercise was that time I tried to do the 5' [elbow] Plank Challenge. A bit >2' IS my failure point / PB. Where I can just feel myself pushing way too damn hard. So doing 3 sets of that with little rest is toeing the line of NOEP.

The whole ETD thing ALSO doesn't help me feel too comfortable with the idea of forcing me past that wall, too. I just need to remind myself - counting this day, there's only 2 more plank days in the program. If I can get through them - I'll be ok.

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Mar 4:

Was up proper at around 10AM (got up a bit earlier but was too tired/sleepy to stay up). Almost same story as the day prior. Gaming, YouTube, showered, and did some laundry. So I was a little more productive.

Like yesterday, all I could make myself do was the DD again. 2′ side splits with EC. This was a fun one! Legs did start trembling near the end, but doing a few half jacks as warmup was very helpful and enjoyable too!

Ran into the same wall with FCP, today. I expanded on my thoughts/feelings about it on Twitter again.

Tried yesterday's workout again. STILL hit the same wall. I just. I'm legitimately upset. I'm tempted to table this program entirely. I just. Can't make myself do this. Maybe in the future? But not rn. Almost a third of the way left and it hurts emotionally.

Especially given how very MANAGEABLE the rest of this damn program is and has been. I wish I could find SOME way to frame this elbow plank shit in a way that helps sustainably. I'm angry, mostly at myself, I really don't want to give up again.

I'm trying to tell myself, failure is a learning opportunity and not the end of the world (which is actually too hyperbolic a sentiment in this case). But shit like me somehow scraping through the first plank day makes me go "how the fuck did I do that." soysaucevictim.tumblr.com/post/182889402… Reading that makes me wonder if I should just modify this day's workout in some way. Just to get through the damn thing with some credit. I know DAREBEE is all about accessibility and they don't hold it against you if you do need to modify. I've done it before.

Question remains, how would I go about it. Do I... - Allow knees to drop occasionally - Make some of the planks full planks (arms straight) - Or extend the rest periods out (tho FC's structure is about active rest - not sure how sustainable even slow jacks are gonna be)

Wound up spending time after those tweets just putting away laundry and getting notes together for my appointment tomorrow.

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Mar 5:

Been up since almost 8AM. Was busy today... and super exhausted after everything.

Was picked up to get to my doctor appointment this morning. Voiced various concerns. Got a prescription [or really a recommendation, since it was OTC] for some earwax clearing solution, since it turns out there was some notable buildup and it probably contributed to ETD and tinnitus symptoms. (Amongst a few other things, but this helped to give me some clarity.)

Got to the facility... and experienced a panic episode over almost losing my Miniday Log to Excel crashing and unsuccessfully recovering it on it’s own. Couldn’t find it in the directory and noticed a few TMP files (with random strings of letters and numbers as filenames) in it’s place (date modified clued me into what I was actually looking at). Telling Excel to Open & Repair managed to be the fix. I was so relieved to’ve figured it out.

Doing the DD afterwards did help to calm my nerves a good deal (as well as Jewel Quest & socializing). 2′ leg extensions with EC (”donkey kicks”). Doing this DD also helped me feel a bit less restless afterwards. I counted exactly 100 reps, this time. A few false starts because I needed to cushion my knees, one being bruised from previous injuries. But yeah, I did enjoy doing this one.

Next, went to my psychiatrist appointment. Which went well enough, especially after some clarity from previous doctor’s appointment. As a  few of my concerns for both overlapped a bit. We decided to stay the course.

Got home a bit late, got hella distracted by the usual, and determined that I was too damn exhausted to workout. (Used the ear drops a couple times, spaced out. That was fucking weird in the sensory department - but I felt it helpful!)

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Mar 6:

Been up since about 2PM (did get up some hours earlier, but decided I was too tired to stay up, esp after meds and breakfast.)

I spent almost my entire day playing games and watching YouTube. But I was goaded into playing some cards and I did get in my exercise for the day.

First, today’s DD. 20 supermen with EC. Rather late. I just wound up getting distracted by games... but got this one done without any issue.

Second, Day 19 of the FCP. The dreaded plank work. I decided I would allow myself to be okay with dropping my knees if I felt I had to. Did better than the past few attempts, got about halfway into the last set before I had to do that. I think too, that the ear drops helped. Acceptable performance. :P

Third, Day 20 of the FCP. Tendon strength work. Honestly the only tough part was the frontal holds, as opposed to the lateral ones. But as usual, I greatly enjoy this type of workout! :D

Last, Days 19+20 of the TYTC. Breezy fun, as usual. I like doing this challenge a bunch! =w=

I don’t feel like wrestling with my phone (yesterday it shut down constantly) to meditate tonight. Will be winding down soon.

[xellandria]

Hey more medical stuff!

Early last week (this week? I think it still counts as this week actually, it was like Sun-Mon-ish) I started getting pain in my chest.  I’ve had similar pain before, but it was pretty sporadic so while I kept an eye on it in case it persisted or got worse, I’ve never called my doctor about it (though I have mentioned it whenever they ask).  It seemed to be brought on by movement (though not out-of-the-norm movement, just stuff like standing up and going to the bathroom or making food) and happened frequently enough earlier in the week that on Tuesday afternoon I called my doctor to schedule an appointment (and got rerouted to a nurse, because chest pain can be Serious Shit™); while I was on the phone I started getting super nauseous as well, and eventually ended up posting out of raid and going to sleep.  The next day (well, night) the pain was bad enough that I spent most of the night trying to find a good angle to sleep at; I went to bed at 11pm initially and gave up trying to sleep at anything less than 90° at about 3-4am, and didn’t ultimately fall asleep ‘til about 9:30.

Doctor’s appointment was at 1:15 so I woke myself up at 11:30 to get ready; they gave me/had me do an EKG and everything looked fine on that; my pulse was high but it’s always high (I typically sit at ~110 bpm resting, which is ridiculous but w/e) and the ultimate ruling was that it was [fancy word for “you pulled a rib muscle somehow” as far as I can tell]; heat and/or cold on the affected area, advil/tylenol (I forget which she recommended), and if I felt like it I could double what I was taking for one of the meds she initially gave me for my foot thing and that wouldn’t hurt either.  Well, and the usual “exercise, lose weight, eat better, etc. etc. etc.” that she can’t help mentioning every time I’m in there.

Turns out we don’t own a hot water bottle or anything, so both parents (separately) recommended I use those little chemical reaction hand warmers, as we’ve got a lot of them.  The ones we have are kind of old and don’t get super hot, but evidently they get hot enough as at one point yesterday(?) I woke up with one of them having slid down into my bra and burned me so I’ve got a big ol’ blister there now.  Turns out you’re both not supposed to use them in direct contact with your skin AND you’re not supposed to sleep with them, who knew? (certainly not me, as I’m never cold enough to warrant their use lol)  Anyway I tried wrapping them in a towel instead and not enough heat penetrated the towel to make it worth the effort so I just soaked the towel in hot water and that wasn’t enough heat to make a difference either.  Cold also doesn’t seem to be effective, for what that’s worth.

If the pain (when it pops up—it’s not a constant thing) is still going by the end of the weekend I’m going to call my doctor again and see if there’s anything else we can do; Rachel seems to be especially worried about it and I sure as hell can’t blame her for that given both how dismissive my doctor tends to be of things that I tell her and that I’m dubious of it being a muscle thing as well (was willing to accept it when the EKG came back super normal, but muscle issues do generally respond to temperature changes and this isn’t).

She (my doctor, that is) also poked me in various places and was like “is it tender here? here? here?” and like, it was a general “pain everywhere” day so yeah pretty much everywhere she touched me hurt; she is now under the impression that I also suffer from fibromyalgia but she is choosing not to follow up on that right now (come on dude I need you to follow up on something) so that’s another “it’s suspected that I have [X] but I’ve never been officially diagnosed” thing to add to my ever-increasing roster of medical garbage.  Looking it up later that’s another one of those “you gotta rule out everything else first” conditions (like the lymphedemia) so I guess I can understand, but it’s super frustrating to have to append an asterisk to everything I say about the state of my health.

In the middle of all this acute/semi-acute/chronic-but-attempting-to-actually-deal-with-it health stuff, I fell off my medication regimen pretty hard, and every time I’ve attempted to go back on it, bad things have happened.  I thought it was just the Metformin that was doing it to me, but I took everything BUT the metformin this morning at around 8-9 and around one I was vomiting my guts out again... so I’ve gotta figure out what else in my regimen requires me to titrate up on it.  I’ve thrown up more in the last month or so than I have in the ten years preceding and while I’m pretty sure it’s all medication-based, there’s that seed of doubt that, you know, all the big scary heart conditions list nausea and vomiting as one of the symptoms...