#anyways this was fun and enlightening??? you don't really notice these things

[silverspleen]

@your-royal-highness-of-trash

Pulled out into TWO new posts b/c I cannot be subjecting my friends to one longpost but rather many smaller posts with the majestic read more tool. I hope this is cool.

(Context. My reply to This.)

THE GRIM HALF tw warcrimes torture it's a CoD ramble my beloved followers know it's time for me to be Unhinged on Main

I don't know if I would call Jacob Geller's video essays on Call of Duty fun. Like, they very much aren't designed to be consumed from a fandom lens. They are super intellectually engaging and enlightening but also really grim since he does absolutely talk about the real life political motivations that go into CoD as a work of art, specifically propaganda art. And talks about, you know, real war crimes done by real people in real life. I have made multiple irl friends watch them.

None of them are into FPS games so this is basically my torture I am doing to my friends as I desperately try to rationalizing enjoying Call of Duty as an adult with a functioning brain. Who notices things like, yeah. We made up a middle eastern country for this one huh lads? We made that shit up so we don't have to make any actual comments about the United States' current complicity in this whole war and terrorism thing huh? WE'RE DOING A HISTORICAL REVISIONISM ARE WE??? I wouldn't have noticed the historical revisionism without this video essay and you know what? It's super fucked up. CoD does wacko stuff all the time, both for manufactured drama and for silly propaganda reasons, and when it jumps the shark is when it's the most conventional fun I think. I think Geller is onto something where he says that the writers went into this thinking they were doing the story in the best way possible with character driven stuff - and therefore it doesn't REALLY matter where Farah is from to them, they can just make up a country because it's general backstory vibes that impact her behavior that matter, not cultural details. Also how Alex can get away with being a terrorist but in a nbd way because yeah he is one, that's what happens when you desert to a faction that literally gets classified as a terrorist organization babyyy - but sitting at a perspective completely divorced of all the political and societal nuances in real life that makes the actual manifested story have impact outside of itself. And the US government is like "hell yeah, America! more kids will think guns and soldiers are cool and great. A+ plot or whatever put more suicide bombers in it" and that's that.

Being invited to my clusterfuck of an apartment like SIT ON MY COUCH WE'RE WATCHING THE POLITICS OF COD MW 2019.

Poor Gaz is the other character besides Farah with the strongest sense of like, justice and doing "the right thing" and this man gets ALL the ethically questionable as fuck levels and I know why. It's so they can do a propaganda and show like, ok this must be a justifiable offense because the Good Guy player surrogate character can accept it. I see you! I see you CoD writers!

not CoD but always relevant - "Rationalizing Brutality: The Cultural Legacy of the Headshot"

His video essays "Who's Afraid of Modern Art" and "Judaism and Whiteness in Wolfenstein" are both personal favorites. Though I am so so biased towards his review of Dead Space 2 that's just like 40 minutes of him being like "this game rocks" because yeah, mood.

Anyway I am putting this in a box and throwing it into the ocean next post is the fun part of CoD it's shipping time this is my dichotomy this is how I must live my life.

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

i'll be so fucking for real, some of you only hate things because the culture told you to and the reason it told you to is rooted in misogyny

i've never heard a good reason why people hate cats. even people who are like "i'm allergic to cats" are not valid because two of my roommates are allergic and love cats. one of them adopted 4 and just takes meds. the cats do not purposely cause you to have allergies, they do not even know what that is. there is a weird thing in western culture that valorizes dogs as man's best friend then makes fun of the "crazy cat lady". and that betrays the root, doesn't it? it's because in the middle ages westerners chose to associate cats with femininity and deviant religious practices so it just seeped into the culture. even if you're an enlightened feminist who would never consciously dislike something just because it's associated with women, you've been inundated with the prevailing narrative that there is something sneaky and weird about cats and that it's cool (and often masculine) to talk about wanting to kick them.

this extends to media too. no one has ever given me a good reason for not liking musicals. they're not a uniform genre, they're a broad umbrella. i don't enjoy most of the classic musicals because the music or plot don't typically appeal to me (sorry i think jonathan larson was a bad songwriter) but i have a handful of musicals that i am really passionate about because the themes and the music all scratch that specific itch for me. so fine, you don't like sound of music. not all musicals are stylized like that. try chicago (a jazz based musical about women murdering people). try moulin rouge (over the top campy jukebox musical). try sweeney todd (a horror movie based on a penny dreadful). or if your speed is horror comedy with a touch of rock music, there's always rocky horror (this is only recommended if you have a knowledge of older scifi/horror films and aren't easily squicked out by things that don't align with modern sensibilities). or les mis (political drama, but this one is very musically dense if you're on the fence). i could go on and on. admittedly i mostly like horror musicals like the devil's carnival, repo the genetic opera, phantom of the opera (and all the examples given above) but i mean come on guys the beatles and green day have their own musicals.

what i don't get about people who don't like musicals isn't just that they don't seem to get that there are different genres within the genre, but that they generally don't have problems with music videos. they just claim that breaking into song "breaks their immersion" because it's "not realistic". okay so do you also nitpick when an action star survives a fall from a helicopter? how about superman shooting lazers from his eyes? if musicals doing things that wouldn't happen irl breaks your immersion but none of these other things do then that's curious. (but if they do then you must be a ton of fun at parties.) the purpose of breaking into songs in musicals is to communicate a feeling. it doesn't have to be realistic to communicate that feeling.

but what i've noticed as a former theatre kid and theatre major drop out is that a lot of people who claim not to like musicals have done since they were children. theatre kids get bullied because liking musical theatre is gay, right? so it's a masculinity thing. heaven forbid troy likes basketball AND musicals! these people often aren't exposed to good musicals as a child and build up this idea that they just don't like them and come up with justifications that don't fly.

anyway. some of you need to realize that some of these things you don't like are not because you have a real reason, it's because it is baked into our culture to deride things associated in any way with femininity. and your lives would be richer if you gave new experiences a chance instead of being a hater.

[incorrectshantaequotes]

Marcus Millionaire and Sky's Bisexual Awakening

So. I was drawing Zapple for a thing ("is it something like what you did with Harmony-" no that's going to come after I've finished that unspecified thing. don't worry about it) and. Upon finishing Zapple and looking at how I drew her, I immediately went "oh, she has significantly more gender than I anticipated," and that led to me dropping the thing I was working on for a moment because seeing Zapple with this much gender gave me ideas and I needed to draw them out. Soooooo...spontaneous mini-headcanon time!

Ta-da! Zapple now has a drag king persona. As a treat. She can have some fun with her gender she's allowed. Anyway

When she was young, Zapple got into the art of disguise as a way to uncover conspiracies. Practicing with Vera as her audience, Zapple actually managed to get fairly good at making a whole new person for her to play, even if it was a guy! ...And it was only after investing a lot of time into learning the art of disguise that Zapple realized that her pointed ears were a massive giveaway that she couldn't really do anything about. Oof

Then as a teen, she was meandering around, not really having anything in mind for the day, when she walked into Armor Town's lesbian bar, saw an advertisement for a drag show, and went "wait, hold on. I have an idea"

And thus, Marcus Millionaire was born! When she dons her elaborate suit, Zapple takes the role of an eccentric businessman and playboy extraordinaire, claiming to live in a luxurious mansion somewhere secluded on Siren Island. Why, if you don't believe him, just look at the power lines underground! Ever wondered what those are for? They're for his mansion!

If this is starting to sound familiar, that is because yes, Zapple did, in fact, base her drag king persona off her conspiracy theory about all the mysterious power lines underground leading to some rich guy's mansion. She did this for two reasons: 1.), she thought it would be funny, and 2.), she thought if she did this enough times the real rich guy would show up to disprove her claims and thus prove her right. Obviously, the entirety of Seven Sirens kinda threw a wrench in that whole thing. And in Marcus Millionaire as a whole. She's in the middle of reworking Marcus' story, because she is not throwing him away when she spent this much time on him

But! Onto the other side of this! I've said before that Sky is bisexual, and her first sapphic crush (albeit in looks only) was Rottytops. This has not changed, but it was not quite enough to get Sky to recognize that she was bisexual. Like, yes, Rottytops is attractive, but being in a relationship with her? Hahaha NO. Rottytops is so far removed from Sky's ideal partner that she was initially able to write off her attraction as just noticing her friend is pretty...up until she accidentally went to the wrong showing during the half-genie festival, and ended up at the drag show instead of the dancing competition between Vera and Shantae.

...Yeah, the persona of Marcus Millionaire managed to hit all of Sky's ideal traits in a partner - responsible? Well, he was running his own business, wasn't he? Grounded? A bit more shaky, but she could respect the choice in location, given that the only time anything went majorly wrong for Siren Island was literally only a few days prior. Strong? Well, Zapple isn't as built as Harmony, but she does have some muscle from forging armor and carrying around a whole set of it everywhere, and that was something that Sky managed to notice. It also helped that he had a bit of a "bad boy" vibe going for him, because while Sky did end up dropping that trait in her search for a relationship when she recognized it wasn't getting her anywhere good, at that point in time she was still reeling from the sting of Armor Baron's betrayal, so...yeah.

Marcus' performance was particularly enlightening for Sky, especially when he called her out specifically (and yes, that dialogue is paraphrased from that one Tumblr post about a guy who accidentally walked into a gay bar, saw a drag show, and proceeded to have a crisis about his sexuality in the middle of it), and after that, she kinda had to admit she was attracted to more than just guys...but, funnily enough, for something so pivotal to Sky's sexuality, neither Zapple nor Sky realized the other was involved for the longest time. Zapple was too busy with her performance to give much thought behind Sky's appearance beyond "huh, she looks familiar for some reason," and Sky was blue-screening so hard that she somehow managed to miss the pointed ears.

They only realized what happened when Sky actually got into her relationship with Bolo and recounted the incident as the driving factor behind her realizing she was bisexual. Zapple happened to be close enough to overhear this, put two and two together, and went "damn that was you? I thought you looked familiar," and proceeded to shed some light on her side of things. Sky was immediately mortified when she realized this, because Zapple is nearly as bad as Rottytops when it comes to relationship material (at least to her), and that combined with her, once again, somehow managing to miss the pointed ears was incredibly embarrassing.

Zapple just thought the whole thing was funny as fuck. She then offered to do a repeat performance for her and Bolo, and while Sky was like "hahaha please don't," Bolo, interested both as a fellow bisexual and also someone who likes to get a bit weird with his gender sometimes, immediately went "actually I would like to see it," and after some debate with Sky, convinced her to watch the encore as well. Sky's score on the repeat was "god that is still really attractive to me, FUCK," and Bolo's score was "yeah I can see how that would make Sky realize she was bisexual. 10/10"

[nickitxrres]

Graveyard

where Nicki sneaks up on Zack, Zack and Nicki share with each other what happened when the General had taken them and no wrenches were thrown - this time. @zackastor

tw: mentions of violence, torture and disturbing content

Zack Astor

-he is walking the premises of the graveyard slowly making his way to a relatively new, slightly shoddy looking wooden cross; he stops in front of it, quiet and slightly contemplative-

Nicki Torres

-Nicki is wandering around outside of the walls, enjoying the fresh air and scouting for new areas to check out. She passes by the graveyard and spots Zack staring at a wood cross. She leans up against a tree and crosses her arms- Who you visiting, lobo?

Zack Astor

-he's pulled out of his thoughts by Nicki's voice and turns towards her- You trying to sneak up on me? -he raises an eyebrow before turning back to the cross- The Wolves. Put a cross for them here a while ago.

Nicki Torres

Oh no, if I was trying to sneak up on you, you'd be on your ass by now. -she pushes off the tree and walks closer- That's actually really nice. I'm sure they're appreciating it

Zack Astor

-he scoffs slightly- They're dead. They ain't appreciating anything. Not from me, anyway. -he sighs, offers a slight grin- By now you should know everything I do is pretty self-serving.

Nicki Torres

Oh, sweetie, they may be physically gone, but their spirits are living it up in the afterlife. -she glances away from the cross and back at him- So I've noticed. So what's this for, then? Self-loathing?

Zack Astor

-he casts a glance at her; he doesn't believe in an afterlife, but he doesn't want to argue at the moment- Do I act like a guy who hates himself? -he chuckles- It's a memorial. So I don't forget. And because I like having a place where I can think about them. -he looks at her- You ever miss them?

Nicki Torres

Yeah, actually, you do. -Nicki would never lie or hold back and she casts him an amused look as she nudges him- Yeah, course I do. There were some wild fuckers. They didn't deserve what happened to them.

Zack Astor

Well, you're wrong. I fucking love myself. -he smirks, before his face goes a little serious- No. They didn't. -he takes a deep breath, staring down at the cross- Don't ever fucking compare me to the General again, Nicki.

Nicki Torres

-Nicki shifts her weight a bit as she looks at the cross before turning her attention back to Zack- Then don't act like him. Pendajo was more than happy threatening and blackmailing people to make sure they obeyed him. What does that sound like to you?

Zack Astor

-he doesn't look at her, just keeping his eyes on the cross- You don't know shit, Nicki. -a bitter laugh escapes him- About me or the General.

Nicki Torres

Then enlighten me, Zack.....or are you going to tell me to fuck off?

Zack Astor

I don't know, are you gonna throw another wrench at me? -his sarcasm is biting, but he takes a deep breath, shaking his dead- I didn't do what I did cause I wanted Ike to obey me. I didn't beat him up cause I got fucking off on it. -he puts his hands in his coat pockets- The general slaughtered my fucking people. Because he could.

Nicki Torres

I don't have any wrenches to throw so I think you're safe.... can't promise I won't take my boot off and use that, though. -She listens to him and scrunches her face up- I know he did. I was there. Saw the whole thing. Still have the scar from where they sliced my thigh to prove it.

Zack Astor

No you fucking don't, appearantly. -there is something bitter in his voice as he speaks- Cause if you did, you'd know he and I are nothing alike. Or what- do you think I'd burn this whole place to the ground, kill everybody in it because I thought it was fun?

Nicki Torres

No, you'd rather bite people's heads off because you don't agree with them and then act like you're the one in the right. You use violence and blackmail to get your way.

Zack Astor

-he glances at her, scoffing- I ain't gonna justify what I'm doing again, Nicki. It's clear your loyalty's with Ike and Mayra, and I ain't gonna argue with you about that. -he turns back to the cross- But I ain't like the damn General either. So don't fucking compare me to him.

Nicki Torres

Alright, fine.... but you should really stop acting like a dick

Zack Astor

If I had a penny for every time I heard that. -he scoffs slightly and still doesn't turn to her, but something about him seems to loose his edge- Thank you.

Nicki Torres

-she glances over at him for a moment- For what?

Zack Astor

For agreeing.

Nicki Torres

That you're a dick?

Zack Astor

You gonna make me say it? -he glances at her- For agreeing to not compare me to the General. Jesus.

Nicki Torres

When have I ever made anything easy, lobo? -She grins slyly. - Yeah, well, it's a good thing you're not. I owe that pendajo a machete to the dick.

Zack Astor

-he huffs softly- You and me both. I owe him a lot worse than that. -he turns to look at her- How long were you trapped by him?

Nicki Torres

A month. You?

Zack Astor

Seven months. -he casts a glance at her- They didn't tell me what happened to you. I thought they killed you.

Nicki Torres

Couldn't kill me, even if they tried. You should know that. Pretty sure I'm unkillable.

Zack Astor

Yeah. Guess you are pretty hard to kill. -he huffs with some amusement- They killed everybody else.

Nicki Torres

-She grinds her teeth and her fist clenches- I swear if I ever cross paths with them I will paint the fucking ground with their blood

Zack Astor

-he is quiet for a moment, staring down at the cross- Both of us are going to. -he responds, finally- What did they do to you, Nicki?

Nicki Torres

-Nicki breathes out and avoids looking over at him.- Nothing good. But you already know that.

Zack Astor

Yeah. Figures. -he pulls a pack of smokes out of his pocket; he swiped them during one of his raids; he lights one before he holds the pack out for her- You ever gonna tell me?

Nicki Torres

-Nicki eyes the pack of smokes for a minute before taking one of the cigarettes from the carton- That depends - you gonna tell me what happened to you?

Zack Astor

-he hands her his lighter; contemplates for a moment- Alright. Your turn first.

Nicki Torres

-She takes the lighter and lights the end before handing it back to him and taking a puff - After we got separated, I was passed off to this gorilla of a man.... Ramirez, I think his name was, although I just called him culo. He developed a crush or something and wanted me to be his wife. Well.... that went as well as you expected. I told him to go fuck himself and for the first few days, he thought he could beat me into submission. When that didn't work, he added a new punishment. He had this crate he'd lock me in for hours. He'd wait until there was no more oxygen in the box and would open it and see if I had learned my lesson. That didn't work so then... -She pauses to take a hit- I guess they had raided another group or something because when I the lid opened, there was this girl. Twenty something and terrified. He gave me an ultimatum - I give him what he wanted or he'd punish her. So I gave in.....up until he beat her to death in front of me. He was getting extra paranoid and thought I was stealing things from him. So when that happened, I took him to bed like I did every night and when he was passed out, I slashed his fucking throat and escaped. -She takes another long drag before flicking the ash off- Your turn.

Zack Astor

-he quietly smokes his cigarette alongside her as she tells her story; he is quiet for a moment after she finishes- Fucking hell. -he takes a drag- Good that you slit that fucker's throat. People like that ain't worth the damn air they breathe. -there is an angry strain to his voice; he keeps his gaze fixed at the cross and flicks the ash off- General made me his personal punching bag. Decided he wanted a dog and that I made a damn good candidate for it. Tortured me. In whatever way he could to break me. He was enjoying it. Let his guys join in on it too. -he takes a drag, blowing out the smoke- He tortured me the entire seven months I was there. By the end he thought I was complacent. Broken. I only escaped 'cause he decided to lock me in the damn dog kennel with the other dogs. I got the lock open, killed the guard. Freed Rex too, and by the time they noticed anything, I was long gone. Well... -he scoffs- That's that for swapping war stories.

Nicki Torres

-Nicki listens to his own story and feels her own anger rising.- Seven months....fuck, Zack. Don't think I could have lasted that long, Zack. -she hated to admit it but considering she hadn't even lasted a month without breaking, it seemed pretty pointless to not acknowledge it - How did you not break?

Zack Astor

The rest of my wolves. The other ones he took prisoner. -he takes a drag, taking the moment to think as he blows the smoke into the air- I knew they were alive. That kept me going. -he ashes off the cigarette, noticing that it burned down to the bone- He killed all of them. One by one. I watched them die. And after seven months, it was just me. And Rex. Saw him in the kennels, when they locked me in. Thought I could at least save him. -he watches as the flame of the cigarette dies, twisting the filter between his fingers before he puts it in his pocket- Guess you found something to keep you going, too.

Nicki Torres

-Nicki had a feeling that the rest of the Wolves had perished at some point but still, hearing him confirm it didn't make her feel any better- Guess it's a good thing I got out when I did. Probably would have wound up on that chopping block at one point or another. -her cigarette eventually died and she flicked it away- I don't know, lobo, I think if he hadn't killed that girl, I might not have made my grand escape.

Zack Astor

Yeah. You're right. -he turns his gaze to her- It's not about escaping. It's about going on. That girl kept you going. And when she died, you managed to slit that fucker's throat and get out. -he shrugs- You didn't kill yourself. Or let yourself get killed. That's going on.

Nicki Torres

Wel...never been the one to go down without some kind of a fight. -she breathes out as stares at the cross- So what's keeping you going, Zack?

Zack Astor

-he casts her a considering glance- Rex. And the fact that one day, I'm gonna go and put my knife through the General's throat. -he huffs- What about you, Nicki? Is it Ike?

Nicki Torres

-Nicki considers it for a moment- Ike gave me a purpose. An outlet. He takes care of me in many, many ways. I owe a lot to him.

Zack Astor

So he keeps you going. -he puts his hands into his coat pockets again- What are you gonna do if he dies?

Nicki Torres

-she tries to appear like the thought doesn't bother her but she does shift a little and force-swallow the lump that seemed to appear in her throat- Probably stick around Redwood, keep doing his work. That's what he would want. But that's also assuming I don't go out with him.

Zack Astor

You're gonna be head raider when he goes? -Zack raised his eyebrow slightly, curious, noticing the shift in her- Knowing you, you're probably gonna try and sacrifice yourself for him.

Nicki Torres

-Nicki laughs as she shakes her head- I can't speculate at that. I doubt the Council would want me to replace him. Nah, I'll just keep raiding and do what I do best. -she catches him glancing at her- I've already told him he's not allowed to die for me. But if it comes down to the two of us, yeah, I'll jump in front of the bullet - or biter, whatever the hell it is.

Zack Astor

-he scoffs, but not in a condescending way Both of you are gonna try and jump the bullet for each other. Both of you aren't the types to care about who is or isn't allowed to die.

Nicki Torres

That, lobo, is where you are wrong. When it comes to people I know and care about, I do care about who lives and who dies. I can't think of one person in town I wouldn't jump in front of a bullet for. Even your dumbass.

Zack Astor

Well, thanks for that. Hope you don't expect me to say anything sappy back. -he huffs, even though there's a hint of a grin on his face as he steps away from the cross- I think I'm gonna head back. You gonna stay here some more?

Nicki Torres

Oh, I would hope you didn't. Don't want to lie to people when they ask if Zack Astor really is heartless. -she glances at the cross and shrugs- Might walk around a bit more out here. I'm getting claustrophobic in there. Mama needs to breathe.

Zack Astor

-he glances at her, eyes narrowing slightly- Yeah. Wouldn't wanna lie about that. -he raises his hand- You do that. Don't get yourself killed.

Nicki Torres

-she watches him as he leaves- Don't worry about that. Pretty sure I'm immortal! -she waits until he's gone before nodding at the cross and going back to resume her walk-

[that-was-anticlimactic]

first line game

tagged by: @becauseanders and @zukkaclawthorne thank you for the tags, thsi was fun<3

Rules: List the first lines of your last 5-20 stories.  See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag others!

“In hindsight, maybe staring down a goose wasn’t the best idea.” — something so true happened

“Zuko watched with narrowed eyes as Hahn continued to scoot closer and closer to Sokka.” — lost in love and lost in feelings

“Hey, Zuko! You callin’ Sokka tonight?” — (wherever i am) i’ll come runnin’

“Something Sokka had never realized before the war ended was that there was more to life than strategizing and planning and trying to fix problems he didn’t cause.” — you never quite say (but i hear)

“In hindsight, maybe hanging her impulsive stress purchase in her shared apartment without telling her roommate and girlfriend about it in advance was a stupid idea.” — this is how it should be

“Korra hesitated at the door in front of her, wondering if having the perfect one year anniversary date with Asami was worth the trouble behind said door (and this was Asami, her beautiful girlfriend who always planned the best, most fun, and most special dates, so of course it was worth it).” — do this thing

“All it had taken was one wrong move.” — all these little things seem to matter so much

“There was always something so special about being outside.” — we can navigate the stars to bring us back home

“The first time Suki had been to Ember Island, it was during the war.” — i’m glad i’m here with you

“The whole world seldom falls into silence.” — turning in circles and blurring the lines

“When Suki was five, she tried to feed the geese that landed in her backyard.” — look what happened to me

“There was something embarrassingly daunting about feeling afraid.” — ordinary magic happens every single day

“It all happened in a moment; one singular, preventable moment.” — there’s a beauty in the fall

“Councilman Qiang’s chair was one of the most aggravating chairs in the entire world.” — the urge to love you is stronger

“They say that it’s a brotherhood, but it has never proven to be true.” — we say that it’s a brotherhood

Patterns: i talk about geese twice... what does that say about me mnybghnjmhngb um, i actually tend to start stories with shorter sentences and i did not realize that huh. a lot of these have like the same vibes??? idk how to describe it, but then again, it is 2:28am lol

Favorite: hm probably the line beginning there’s a beauty in the fall because i am biased and that is my coping with ninjago cole fall fic, but also like... it’s so dramatic... idk i can’t describe why lol. that or the opening line of ordinary magic happens every single day

I’m going to tag @hotdamnitszuko @listless-brainrot @themoon-approvesof-zukka and @leesbian42 (but as always, feel free to ignore lol)

[hs-is-loml]

Don't Make Me Say It Again. (x.t)

Pairing: Xavier Thorpe x Fem!Addams!Reader

Summary: blurb! xavier is close to snapping when you don't realize what he has been hinting.

Warnings: mutual pining, fluff

a/n: okay, another one before i go torture myself in actually reading my textbook that i haven't picked up in weeks.

masterlist

“Shouldn’t you be with your sister?” Xavier questioned as you tied on your apron.

“No, she wanted to work at pilgrim world for some odd reason. I would rather die than dress up as a colonist,” you informed the boy.

“That doesn’t surprise me.”

“Hey, Y/N! Need a hand?” Tyler called out from behind the counter as you and Xavier cleaned the tables.

“Already got one,” you replied back pointing to Thing wiping the table.

“I thought I told you and your sister that he was bad news,” Xavier whispered to you as he reached over to grab a mug on your side of the table.

“Twice actually, but I couldn’t care less about him. Wait. Enlighten me,” you turned to face him.

That was when you noticed how close you two actually were. Though you were standing around a foot away from each other, it was concerning how he seemed to step closer to talk.

“It happened last Outreach Day. I was working on a mural for the town then he and his friends come up and start attacking me. They destroyed the mural and left me with bruised ribs. People like him don’t like people like us,” he explained.

“Hm.”

“It’s not like you would care anyways, right?” Xavier scoffed walking off to the next table.

“It seems like he’s changed, quiter softer now, which is disappointing,” you admitted as you followed Xavier. “Why do you care so much if I talk to him though?”

“You’re kidding.”

“Why would I kid?” you blanked.

“Open your eyes, Y/N! I have been here on your side this entire time, and you still don’t get it?” Xavier snapped banging the table with the tub full of plates and mugs taking a step closer to you. “Sometimes it’s unbelievable how little empathy you have for others.”

“Xavier,” you breathed out taking a step back.

“I like you, Y/n. What do I have to do for you to see that?” he followed in taking a step closer.

“You know I don’t actually like Tyler, right? You might be an imbecile and infuriating but-” you hinted.

“Really know how to make a guy blush,” he let out a small laugh.

“It’s the attributes I like about you though,” you muttered under your breath.

“What was that?” he mocked.

“Don’t make me say it again,” you deadpanned looking down on the floor avoiding his gaze.

“No, I don’t think I heard you the first time,” he joked he lifted your chin with his hand. “What did you say?”

“I’m not saying it again.”

“You gonna let me kiss you?”

“Depends,” you answered.

He moved his hand from your chin to the back of your neck pulling you into a kiss. You found yourself kissing him back wrapping your arms around his neck. You could feel him smile into the kiss. You didn’t kow how long you to stayed there for until you heard a cough behind you.

“Seems like you’ve had fun working,” Wednesday said unimpressed as she pulled you away from Xavier. In which he just laughed as you tried to get your arm out of Wednesday’s grip.

"Wednesday, why do you always have to grab the same arm," you whined as she dragged you out.

[faroreswinds]

Japanese anon. This isn’t necessarily as a protest, but many people besides going back to original houses, are now playing touken ranbu musou…and fire emblem if. Gatekeeper is also not as popular as in the west, the new father characters are seen as more interesting. No one really cares about arval (one title i saw applied was “dlc-kun”) unless talking about shez. There is confusion over why byleth calls jeralt by name instead of as their father because apparently some dialogue boxes like korean have byleth saying father in text but not spoken, but people notice that western fans say this part snidely to suggest byleth is not a nice or affectionate person, which does not help calm feelings of animosity. I cannot read chinese but was told chinese fans are among the angriest.

Actually, can you explain gatekeeper?

I will be out for a few days to visit family. It’s good to talk and I hope I can resume after that visit!

Hi Japanese anon, I hope you enjoy your visit! Have lots of fun!

There is confusion over why byleth calls jeralt by name instead of as their father because apparently some dialogue boxes like korean have byleth saying father in text but not spoken, but people notice that western fans say this part snidely to suggest byleth is not a nice or affectionate person, which does not help calm feelings of animosity.

Well it is a bit odd. In my country at least, calling your parents by their names means you are not close, and that you do not see them as parental figures. It's normally rude, unless it's something specific like the parental figure is a step-parent of some kind that came late into your life.

But I don't think it makes Byleth unaffectionate. On the contrary, he's quite affection. He went and got his father flowers! And he clearly cares about people, he's just super focused and not socially inclined.

I cannot read chinese but was told chinese fans are among the angriest.

I don't either. Maybe @renisfan can enlighten us?

Actually, can you explain gatekeeper?

Sure. I am actually someone who likes Gatekeeper (although I was mad about CYH5) so I can elaborate. Although, I can only elaborate my view, and not necessarily the entire fanbase's view.

First of all, Gatekeeper is a constant NPC. He's not just a one-off NPC who says their thing and is never seen again. He is always there, guarding the gate. And he's nice, and funny! His dedication to guarding the gate and his upbeat attitude makes him endearing, and after a few chapters I started to be soft on him. I had even made a post back in the day (Not on tumblr) saying something like "The real hero of Foldan!" and posting his picture.

It's really meant to be in good fun, and not to be taken seriously.

He's an NPC that has developed an identity, despite having a generic model. I suppose, in a way, I relate to that? He's the everyman among a crowd of special people.

Plus, in English, his VA is the same VA who voiced Alm. So among the English crowd, it's like Alm is a secret character among Foldan. At least, for those who know who the VA is, anyways.

I hope that makes sense? That's just for me, anyways, I dare not speak for the whole fandom on this.

[patatahluwa]

"-and i was just amused at how the lighting changes everything about my color choice, and I didn't even notice it at first!"

You exclaimed, your hands moving along with each word, your face as animated as ever as you were talking to Julian about your latest discovery you had while you were painting in your living room.

Red curtains decorated the large window, hit by the afternoon's hot sunlight made the light reflect in the room, showering it with a warm scarlet hue... Which created the whole situation with colors you were talking about just now.

He chuckled softly, but it wasn't really a response to the on-going conversation, rather to the one going on in his own head... About you. About how much he'd love to listen to you for hours, analysing how your features change while you are so much engulfed in your own talking, how much lively his day becomes whenever he gets a little peek at your own mind, how there's always something new to talk about and it's always impressive, enlightening, fruitful and certainly fun.

No... You don't get it. It's not only that. He met people who talked endlessly about a certain topic, but you... You talked with passion, with indulgence, with genuineness... something about how you tell things makes the difference.

He remembers the way you looked at him when he told you first time about one of his adventures. Did you feel the same way he is feeling now towards him, perhaps? Oh he wishes to be lucky enough for this to be true.

Your expression finally settled at one, smiling at him as you asked. "Well, would you like to see it? The brush set i told you i wanted to buy, i mean."

Thank god Julian came back to earth moments before you asked the question, otherwise you'd blow his cover of focusing with you... although you were almost certain he zoned out in the middle of your blabbering, you knew howeger he doesn't do it out of disinterest rather than possible fatigue or so.

You didn't receive a response to clear or confirm your doubts, however, he reached with his lean fingers to brush away a strand of your hair behind your ears, warmth painting his features as he leaned towards you for a gentle kiss to your cheek. His gaze felt like one of his soothing hugs.

"I would love to see it" he answered simply.

You laughed with a slight embarrassment to this reaction you didn't quite understand. "What's with the kiss?"

"Can't i kiss my love whenever i want?"

"Of course you can... " You rushed to clarify but words betrayed you halfway.

"So..?" He asked

"What lead to it? I mean certainly the long talk about brushes and colors didn't give you the idea... Right?"

"In a certain way, it did" you two shared a short laugh. "I was just mesmerized by you, i always am, and this was one of those moments to appreciate having you in my life... having you as the thief of my heart" he couldn't resist throwing a theatrical pose to his last exaggerated sentence, turning this supposed-to-be poetical moment into one you snickered at (in enjoyment of course).

You grabbed the collar of his loose shirt and brought him down to your lips, gifting him with a passionate kiss he returned gratefully. You parted to look at his grey mischievous eyes, matching the hunger you failed to hide then locked your lips again, then again and so on until he stopped suddenly. "The... The brush set?"

"What brushe set? I don't know what you're talking about"

He shrugged, welcoming back your lips into his.

----------------------------

LISTEN-

I know this is hideous but i had to write something so mediocre just to get back on writing.

I myself hate it so much but I'm hoping someone may enjoy this- ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

Also I'm tryna teach myself to post what i write anyway, and accept that it's bad, and accept criticism as well... So here we are heh

Try to enjoy maybe.

[funkymbtifiction]

1. I was reading the stems and… wow; no wonder no one likes being identified with 136 type descriptors. I’m kind of glad I went from core descriptions for my tritype rather than stems, because 13 and 16 are just painted so unappealingly that I can’t imagine having immediately identified with them. I wonder if there aren’t a lot of 1-cores writing enneagram stuff online.

You're not supposed to feel proud of or comforted by your tritype; it's supposed to reveal the uncomfortable truth about you by stripping your ego naked. It's a huge blow to your ego, and the ego's instinctive reaction when they read an accurate but "unfavorable" portrayal of themselves is denial. "That is not me, that must be wrong!" "OMG, this such a HARSH description!" If a descriptor of a type interaction upsets you, it's rubbing up against your ego. It's either an indicator that you are mistyped ("I am this, but a HEALTHY version, so 99% of this isn't true for me") or because it's accurate and you don't want to face that.

This is the time to dig deep and ask yourself hard questions (why did I react so strongly to this? which ego-defenses is it pulling down? why do I care about this? am I worried about what others might think of me, if they know I am this tritype? is this an image reaction because I don't want to 'seem' this way? am I afraid it's true of me? etc. etc.). The truest things dig the needle in the deepest, and after you go through anger, resentment, denial, rejection, and then acceptance, THAT is when your ego is humbled enough for self-growth. I have been through a lot of that, and it's not fun, but you will come out the other side ready to flourish.

I remember the first time someone suggested 2 fix for me, and I had a tantrum; I wanted to be anything other than that! But my angry objections were only because of the true-ness of 2 for me. It held a mirror up to me and I did not like the reflection -- I had to want the truth of myself more than to look good in the eyes of others and after sulking, came around to the fact that I am indeed 2ish in my heart fix. Once you take a blow like that to your ego / pride, you reach a point where you have truly "seen" yourself and there's no more denying of it. Reading those, I am back to thinking I am 1 fixed. The blow of 6-1 makes me uncomfortable enough to know it's truer than 6-9.

The Enneagram isn't about making you comfortable and "look good." It's about self-awareness and that's scary, especially if you are a 3 or have a 3 fix and don't want your bare bones exposed to the world.

Let's see... 1 cores writing Enneagram stuff. Maybe, since the goal is self-enlightenment/self-improvement and that appeals to 1s for sure!

2. It’s surprisingly easy to manipulate the self-images of Fe-users, especially if they have Fe tert or inf. It’s not really intentional most of the time - I can make a comment describing someone or fill in a word when they’re searching for a good self-descriptor, and they’ll usually agree with it. Or they might say “I don’t know how I feel about this” and I can suggest something and they’ll be like “you’re right.” This all sounds very manipulative and scary, but I think it can go both ways - if you help someone provide tools to understand themselves when they’re looking for them, it can be helpful. But there’s definitely a side where I think, “Oh no, this person is pretty malleable to what I say, what if I’m manipulating them?” Generally I don’t notice this happen with Fi users as much because while they’ll consider what you have to say, their self-image is ultimately pretty solid and takes a lot to change. Is this something Fi users worry about? Is it an Enneagram social thing?

They might be 9s and if so, you aren't really 'getting' to them -- they are just agreeing with you on a surface level to make you not angry at them and then will go home and do their own thing / forget all about it anyway. As for helping them figure out their emotions -- TPs often need that, and when you suggest things to them, that's not manipulative -- they genuinely may not know what they are feeling or why, because many of them are out of touch with their emotions, and they need a higher Feeler who is comfortable with emotional states to guide them. Fi's are less amenable to influence to some degree, although if they are a 6, 9, or a 3, they will internalize what you say about them more than if they are a different type. Fi and Te is often more straightforward and blunt.

Can a Fi worry about being bad/wrong/manipulative/etc? Yes. Especially if they have a self-diacritic 1 fix where "I should... should not..." do X.

[love-hatred-stuff]

No More } Choi San [ateez]

genre: angst

warning(s): slight obsession, mention of a break up, a bit suggestive

word count: 1.7k

notes: I don't have much time to write nowadays but I will upload a part 2 soon, I promise!!!^^

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

He had tried everything. He tried confessing his feelings to you, he tried confessing his love. He tried being more masculine and demanding, he even tried submitting completely to you. But still, you were a desired girl here in this city, of course it wasn't that easy. Maybe it all had gone wrong because he mainly just imagined making a move on you.

The biggest step he had ever took in real life was when he found the courage to speak to you and became friends with you finally. But that was almost a year ago and he still couldn't figure out how to get you to like him too.

San would do absolutely any and everything to be your boyfriend. He wants you since he first saw your enlightening smile. It was a smile he would never get tired of admiring.

San wants to be yours, no matter how long it would take for him to confess. He would get you to love him back, wouldn't he?

And at the same time he was scared to death to scare you away. He was someone special and different from everyone around you. San was light-hearted, handsome, competitive and one day he would be shy, and the other day he would be confident. Just sad, that whenever he was with you he became really insecure sometimes.

He was in love with you and didn't know how to show you properly. It was like a curse for him, he just wanted you to use him to your happiness! Was that too much to ask?

However, he still had hope, it wouldn't die until you would break things off with him. But you weren't planning to. You found him cute and pretty. You maybe even had a little crush on him. Through all the time you two spend together you learnt what kind of a person he is, and you figured he was one of the kindest, smartest and loveliest people you ever met in your live.

So why would you not like him?

The thing was, you just weren't as obsessed with him as he was with you. Although he tried to be not clingy, he loved your affection and touch, so he always hugged you longer than needed or stood closer to you than everyone else.

Until one day, you got closer than you would have thought. Out of sharing sweet kisses got a close relationship and the dream of San was fulfilled. The other boys always were jealous how he was able to kiss you on the campus or hold your waist and hand whenever he desired. But he was smart and strong, able to fight them if he needed to.

Of course he knew how lucky he was to date someone as special as you and his obsession only grew. You weren't aware of what scenarios played in his mind all the time, what he wanted you to do to him.

He would like to be used.. by you. But he kept it to himself for a long time. But even if he had this strong feelings, he still was a little, delicate boy to you. Caused by his overprotectiveness and love to have you as close as possible, he got very clingy.

You almost always understood and accepted his affection but sometimes you needed space because you had other obligations than to cuddle your boyfriend and it got too much. It didn't scare you away, it just made you aware of the fact that he may feels more for you than you for him. Of course you loved him with you whole heart, though it just been about six months in this relationship and you wouldn't say that he was your reason to live yet. You would hate to live without him but you could do it anyways.

You always asked yourself if maybe you just had problems catching feelings. Because for a long time you just couldn't handle any boy near you. You weren't exactly cold-hearted but it felt like your heart had been frozen until you met San, it needed time to warm up now. You just couldn't give him all of you only in a few months.

When he was too much to handle and you got angry at him or began being the dominant one, he easily started sobbing. All he wanted was you, not anyone else could still his needs like you did, he never wanted to leave you or the other way around. So he was emotional when he was scared of you letting him alone.

Gladly you never did, you always where there to comfort him, even if you where the reason for him being so upset.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎ present ▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

It bothered him how you stopped replying to his texts and answering his calls. It bothered him so much, it needed everything of him to not break down right then and there. It's been a day without getting any sign of you and he started to think you forgot about him or just simply didn't want him anymore. He knew you were fine -or at least alive- because he could see that you had read his messages and experienced how you declined his calls.

(10 new massages)

|San|: [why aren't you answering?] >09:23pm< seen

|San|: [please, just tell me you’re fine and not mad at me] >09:24pm< seen

He sighed, laying his face inside his hands, acting out the desperation he felt, trying to be strong.

|you|: [no, I'm fine. I just don't have time for you right now San, sorry] >09:26<

You weren't in the mood to reply more right now. You needed time for yourself. And you weren't mad at him, you only needed a break of him at this moment. The both of you saw each other every single day, even if you were busy, he insisted on visiting you. Not that you didn't enjoy his company, the thing was, that you came to the conclusion that he may was a bit obsessed with you.

When you were busy, you were busy, and he has to accept that at one point but he didn't. So you chose to ignore him for awhile to get your stuff done without any intervention.

When he saw your text, he felt relieved but something was bothering him again. You had no time for him? It's either supposed mean what it says, or it means that you were mad and would hate to see his face right now.

|San|: [okay, just please call me when you are ready, alright?] >09:26< seen

|San|: [I miss u :(] >09:27< seen

|you|: [I will. Sleep well] >09:28<

The coldness that came with your words made his heart scrunch in pain. He knew that you didn't miss him right now, you were tired of seeing him every day. And he tried to understand but still felt the need to visit you and make whatever he did wrong up to you. But he resisted this urge and stayed where he was, thinking it would be the best to leave you alone for a bit.

•••

A bit. Yeah, a bit was good. He'd thought "a bit" would have lasted shorter. Though it expanded to two whole days. And you barely had ever answered his texts.

The more time flew by, the more he got desperate. He cried himself to sleep the last two nights. It was affecting him so much, more than he would have thought. He knew you were his everything, but that he wouldn't be able to stand three days without your presence surprised him.

And at this point he would give everything to get you back in his arms. So he thought how he could make you feel better about him again. San had thought about many ways to do that but almost all his plans seemed to not be pretty thought through. Not matter how many times he tried getting new ideas, -he even googled how to get his girlfriend back-, his mind always came back to one solution. Although he had a bad feeling about it. He had no other choice. What else could give him back his joy of life? He had to seduce you.

Wasn't good sex what all girls wanted at this age? He asked himself first, but he shook his head in disgust. You weren't a girl like every other. And especially not about the sexual act. You were humble and patient, he knew that. That's why you both never spoke up this topic. Of course you turned him on and stuff but as long as you were in his arms, open to have any other physical contact, he didn't need to sleep with you yet.

It wasn't exactly why you were bored, but maybe you thought it could be fun to try something new. It didn't had to be sex, but what else was left to try? Exactly. Not too much.

San made himself ready to meet up with you before sending you a message to ask if you were home. Fortunately you were, and sighed when you saw your phone blink from the twentieth text he had send you.

God, was this childish. You groaned and rolled your eyes. And you were actually disgusted of your own behaviour after doing all this to him. He'd done nothing, so what was making you disapproving him so much?

Because you felt bad about avoiding your boyfriend, you texted him back, informing him that you were home. Sooner or later, you had to bring it behind you.

You didn't notice how wet your eyes got from thinking about having to break up. Because you really didn't want to, it was just.. getting too much and not enough at the same time. Your close connection was no more. Was it?

San was overly happy suddenly when he read your message. And so he got on his way to your apartment right away.

••• to be continued •••

>>>part 2

[lewyn-martell]

I agree with you that no one else seem to accept the fact that john could have been attracted to any other man other than paul because it's the only thing they care about and it's fucking annoying. It seems like they believe john was thinking of paul obsessively 24/24h when i don't think it's true... i'm so glad someone else thinks like me!! if you want to chat about john and his possibly other love interests besides paul i'm here for it!! it'd be nice to talk about it with someone opened to the possibility of other men in John's life rather than " OMG HE COULDN'T LOVE ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE PAUL WAS THE ONE FOR JOHN UWU 😭💔"

Yeah dude, I feel you, but even though the low numbers annoy me, there Are some people here that are all for it; it's not just me (and you) and I feel the need to put this forward because I don't want to make it seem like I think I'm the only one enlightened around here hshshauhaha.

But yes, since not only you&I noticed, we are the minority and I get it; people love their ship a lot and get a bit of a tunnel vision (idk, there are also people hell bent on dissolving the wrong narrative that Paul was the lovesick pining one, but try to pin it all on John, or so I observe with my own two eyes; and people that just... don't care about John all that much outside of mc/lennon). I don't want to jump and call them annoying because they're just out there doing their own thing and well, it is the way it is.

But. It's not like it doesn't annoy me a little sometimes, and I'm sorry for taking the leap here to talk about off-topic stuff, but all this mc/lennon focus can get pretty overwhelming, and that makes me feel a bit alienated from the rest of the fandom here. I mean, don't get me wrong, there are some great people that ship mc/lennon and accept me anyways and I love them, but it would sure be nice to talk to a John fan who doesn't ship it so I can guiltlessly, yknow, focus on other John ships (i have a lot of them) and even... trash talk mc/lennon a little bit habshbaa. In Private. I'm not made of iron and I don't ship it for reasons after all.

[I'm not jumping to conclusions about your stance on mc/lennon, btw. I'm aware that you never told me you don't love it (and it's not like, heavens forbid, I think only non-mc/lennons care about John/OtherPeople), it's just that all this talk made me want to mention this lil desire I have.]

But, focusing on what we're really talking about, yes, I encourage any kind of talk you want to have about these other dynamics. I don't know how far you like to go with it, but I sure as hell have my fun with both likely and unlikely guys (and gals. Unpopular, I know, but I like the thought of it) John might have felt attraction towards. Whether you like to ship as well or prefer to stick only to Historical Discussions, I'm down to talk either way, hmu via dm anytime (i get anon is more comfortable for a number of reasons, but it's just better to say some things in private to me).

[kxhlzn]

i | THE BIRDWATCHER.

SYNOPSIS: You spend some time brewing over big news, and Ben has a favor to ask.

GENRE: Coming-Of-Age, Drama, Angst, Romance, Slow Burn.

PAIRINGS: Stanley Uris/Reader, confusing Richie/Reader, Unrequited!Beverly/Reader, Bev/Ben, Pining!Eddie/Richie.

WORDCOUNT: 4.5k

WARNINGS: Profanity, semi-nudity, gay pining. Bullying, homophobia, etc in future chapters!

SONG RECS: 'She' by Dodie.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I made a post about my choice to rewrite this series, so here's the first chapter! The Losers' Club are all fifteen here, but this is still set in 1989. Pennywise doesn't exist. Reader is bisexual, or at least interested in guys and gals (& maybe non-binary pals! Whatever floats your boat!) Also if this all over the place don't come at me pls. Slightly edited and idk if it is even good so— 🤪✌🏻

There's been quite a few changes :)

MAY 1989.

DEAR LOSERS' CLUB,

No, that wasn't personal enough. You wanted each of them to know what they meant to you. Each of them.

DEAREST BEVERLY,

Why must your thoughts always drift to her first? Why can't she be third or fifth?

TO RICHIE,

You huff dramatically and crumple the notebook paper, attempting to toss it into the waste bin a few feet away.

A detached sigh tumbles from the wide desk across from you, and your history teacher slowly retracts his novel from in front of him to reveal an unamused expression.

He rolls his tongue against his cheek, and waits. When he is met with silence, he shifts in his seat. "... Aren't you, uh... Against wasting trees or whatever?"

You blink. "Yeah, obviously."

"Yeah, obviously!" Mr. Ellis laughs bitterly, and rolls his eyes. "Well, can you waste them a bit quieter?"

Before you can respond, he puts up a finger like he's suddenly been enlightened. "Or, better yet— Leave."

You tap your fingertips against your thighs, and kick your feet up onto your desk. "You know, if I didn't know better, Mr. Ellis, I'd think you didn't like me or something."

He stares at you blankly. "And where on Earth did you come up with that idea?"

You shrug, "No clue. Mr. Ellis, can I confide in your honest feedback on something?"

"I imagine you will anyway—"

"—So, listen... I'm going on a personal journey when summer break is over and I'm afraid I won't ever see you again," You explain, curving your brows inward. Your teacher uses his index finger to trace a single tear gliding down his cheek. "And, um, I don't— I don't know how to.. How do I tell the only true friends I've ever had?"

He pretends to think it over long and hard. "Let me see..."

"I don't care," He finishes, picking up his novel where he left off.

You scowl, and drop your forehead against the surface of your desk, the echo reverberating throughout the empty classroom, save for two people.

Mr. Ellis unwraps a cookie and takes a large bite, and glances at you intermediately between pages. He sighs again. "Will you leave if I tell you what to do?"

"Faster than when the lunch bell rings," You chirp, grinning brightly and leaning forward eagerly on your desk.

He rolls his eyes and puts his feet up on his desk, and pressing his back into his chair. "Go have some fun. Get high. Jump off roofs and ding-dong ditch. Just go be a kid, and tell them when the time is right. Okay?"

   A light breeze rushes through the windows propped open with history textbooks, rustling the papers stacked on Mr. Ellis's large desk. Outside, the faint echo of laughter and summer jitters resounds within the four walls surrounding you.

You nod firmly, and skip to an open window.

Tossing him a grin, you give some finger guns. You crawl up onto the large sill, and before you hop out, Mr. Ellis calls your name.

He has the softest expression you've ever seen on him. "Listen— It's been a pleasure having you. Even if you were the loudest, most persistent, and possibly the worst student I've ever had. Just, uh— Be honest with your friends, okay? Don't wait 'til the last minute. They'll never forgive you if you do."

You give him a two-finger salute before hopping out the window.

You found out you were moving away from Derry in early April, due to an accident involving your grandfather's motorcycle obsession, but there was never really a good time to tell the people you've been slumming it with since you were eleven. The first time you tried, Richard Tozier pushed you off a cliff (a story for another time), and the second time, Ben burned himself on Beverly's flat iron (also a long story). The third time, the words fell dead on your lips when Stanley Uris told you you were the closest thing to a best friend he had.

You swear he was on the verge of tears.

So, you postponed. Now, it's late May, and you haven't said a word to them.

You know you have to tell them— You know this, you do, but the timing is never right. At least, that's what you keep telling yourself— Because somehow the words "you're a coward" are far too intimidating to admit.

Especially to yourself.

Heat swells across your cheeks, the massive, and rowdy, kitchen bustling with voices and feet. Your apron hugs your waist and you peer over your shoulder at Beverly, whose red hair is vibrant against the pale walls. Her blue eyes glance up to meet yours, and they are gentle. Bristling, you face Stanley on your right, who is speaking softly with an elderly woman on the other side of the counter.

The soup kitchen is a bit vacant in terms of people to serve, as it's the first few minutes before the dinner crowd pools in at seven. This time is the most peaceful— Pots and pans full of nutritional foods are filling up quick, and you're all anxious to help anybody who walks in the doors.

In Derry, there isn't much funding for volunteer work, so you do what you can— The local church offered up lodging for the soup kitchen, so you're all pretty thankful for the church leaders.

You study Stanley silently, his eyes focused and mild as he speaks with the woman. He's grown quite a bit since last summer, and he let his hair grow out a bit, so now it's a wild mess of curls. You like that he's eased up on the product, so he's all-natural. In order to catch what the woman is saying, he leans forward, in all his 5'8" glory.

He glances at you and places a hand on the woman's shoulder. "Thank you for telling me, Louanne. I'll see what I can do."

She smiles. "Bless you, Stephen."

You snort while she waddles off, and Stanley leans on the counter with his attention locked on you. There's a hint of amusement in his eyes.

"She seems sweet," You say, "How you liking volunteering, Stephen?"

He tries to prevent himself from laughing. "Stop! That's so mean, she's sick."

"What ever do you mean?" You quip, leaning on the counter next to him. Stan rubs your hair into a frizzy mess and stands tall.

"Uris, I need you over here on dishes," Willow, your team leader, shouts from across the kitchen. You can only briefly catch her curvy figure before she disappears behind the doorway.

"Nah, Willow, I got it! Stan's good with the old ladies. Real player, this one," You respond, poking Stan's stomach, "Maybe you'll get lucky."

"That's gross! Go away."

You laugh maniacally.

The dinner rush is heavy once seven hits, but it fades out at about 7:45. People are ecstatic that's it stew night because they are allowed to take a styrofoam bowl on the go. A few stragglers are permitted to camp the night out in the main hall, as the homeless aren't taken to kindly in Derry. Mayor claims it's 'bad' for traffic and tourism, but you know that Derry is the last place anyone would want to tour in. You're pretty sure it's been wiped off the maps, but that's a conspiracy theory for another time, one that Richie had so kindly coined.

Most of the kids who volunteer at the soup kitchen in the church are hoping to capture some hours for the college applications, but you volunteered because you felt like it was the right thing to do; It was simply convenient that it looked good on apps.

There's light shuffling and clanging as volunteers work to clear up the church for Sunday mass. You balance a tray of plates and glasses pressed against your chest with one arm, while you wipe down a table. There's a hand on your shoulder that suddenly startles you, causing you to drop the tray on instinct.

Glass shatters everywhere, then silence.

"Fuck!" You whisper violently, and you drop to your knees, frantically trying to pick up as many shards as possible before Willow comes screaming.

Beverly is beside you, as is Stanley, and all three of your try to clean the mess.

"God, I'm so sorry," Beverly says, "I didn't mean to freak you out."

"Uh, no, no, it's okay," You reply quickly, looking up at her. She smiles softly.

You flush and revert your attention back to the problem at hand. Your cheeks burn a bit, so you try to ignore it— But it leads to carelessness, and you give yourself a clean cut across your forefinger.

Hissing, you retract your hand and examine the damage. The minute you notice red, you become uneasy. Beverly and Stanley both take a sharp inhale.

"Oh, God— Uh, Stan, you got this? I'm gonna go get her cleaned up," Beverly says.

"Yeah, I got it."

"Thanks. C'mon, let's go," Beverly tells you, but you shake your head.

"I'm fine! S'just a cut. I can slap a bandaid on it later," You reassure her, but she's not having it.

"Now," She warns, gripping your arm softly.

Bottom line, Beverly Marsh can make you do anything she wants you to.

You kick your legs out in a steady beat, seated on a counter, while Bev digs around the first aid kit in the storage room. Her back is facing you, so you have a chance to study the freckles up the top of her spine and into her hairline.

You hold your right hand with your wrist, squeezing harder each time your wound throbs.

"Got it," Bev whispers, and she turns quickly. Positioning herself between your knees, she takes a hold of your finger and wipes it briefly with a wet cotton ball. Next, she uses a clean one to wipe disinfectant across the slit. "How bad does it hurt?"

You lie. "Not much."

Her blue eyes look at you with amusement. "Please."

"Okaaay. A bit more than 'not much'."

"Hm," Beverly applies a bit of cream on your cut. "What kind of bandaid do you want?"

She holds up plain, princess, and car bandaids.

"What the fuck are those? Gender-specific bandages?"

She says your name sternly.

You sigh. "Princess, please."

Beverly smiles and opens the package.

The room is quiet for all except the rustling of the paper, and you pop your mouth awkwardly.

"Hey," Bev says slowly, "Um, listen... You do realize that Stan—"

The door is cracked open and the curly head of Stanley peeks through. "Hey... The cut isn't bad, is it?"

You and Bev glance at each other, and Bev shakes her head.

"No, not at all. Just finishing up," She replies, sticking the pink bandaid on your wound. You hop down and wiggle your finger at Stanley with a grin.

"Good as new!"

He smiles softly. "Glad you're okay. I cleaned up all the glass, so don't worry about it."

"Okay! Thanks, Stan," You say, hooking your arm around his neck. He prickles a bit but relaxes immediately.

Beverly unties her apron and lays it on her forearm while she walks on your free side. "M' still upset Ben couldn't make it."

"Me too," You agree, "He was really looking forward to it."

"He can always go without us," Stan adds.

"It's not the same, though!" You say.

Stan shrugs.

It's humid outside the church, but that's to be expected during the summer. The sky is a deep cloudy sapphire, with the buzz of bugs filling the air. The older volunteers disappear into their cars while you, Stanley, and Beverly talk amongst yourselves. Bulbs above the entrance are the only source of light within a few yards.

Beverly puts her weight on her left foot, the gravel beneath her crackling while she recites a story Bill told her about local legends.

Just as she reaches the climax, the church doors creak open and Willow appears. She keeps her back to you while she locks the entrance, and once she turns, she eyes the three of you.

"Y'all need a ride?"

All of you glance at each other, and Stanley checks his watch.

"We'd love one!" You chirp, giving him a light shove.

"If it's alright with you, of course," Bev adds.

"I wouldn't have asked if it wasn't!" Willow says sharply, but without venom. "Hop in."

Somehow, you end up squeezed in the middle, with Stanley and Beverly on each of your sides. You scowl, eyeing the passenger seat with a purse in it.

Stan's clearly uncomfortable, his shoulders curved inward while he anxiously taps his kneecaps. He seems to be looking everywhere but at you and Bev.

"Everything okay?" You whisper.

He shrugs. "Yeah, just, uh— My mom isn't big on me getting home so late from the kitchen; She wants me to quit."

"That's fucked," You say.

"Hey!" Willow barks, glaring at you through the rearview mirror. "I may your super cool team leader, but I still don't appreciate you using a dirty mouth in my car."

You snicker, and she bursts into laughter.

Beverly pokes your shoulder. "Hey, um— Would... Would it be cool if I stayed with you tonight? My dad, he, um... He went out drinking when I woke up, so—"

"Of course," You interrupt. "Stay however long you need."

"Thanks..." Bev says quietly, and she leans against the window of the car.

Willow pulls up into your driveway within five minutes, and Bev steps out. You make an effort to give Stan a brief hug before you go, and he gives you a little wave as Willow leaves.

You and Bev remain quiet when you sneak into the house through the front door, in fear you might wake your mother. When you enter the living room and see the woman's knocked out cold with the television on, you wave Beverly upstairs. She obliges.

You creep up to your mother and crouch next to her head. She's got a bit of drool pooling on the cushion, and you crinkle your nose.

Retrieving a pillow from a loveseat, you tuck it gently beneath her head and pull a blanket over her. Giving her a quick kiss on the forehead, you leave a glass of water and ibuprofen on the coffee table.

"Does she always do that?" Is the first thing Bev says when you reach your bedroom. You're a bit taken aback, but you regroup swiftly.

"Yeah. She gets these really bad migraines," You explain, leaving your bag on the floor and kicking off your sneakers. "And, um, they can sometimes turn into seizures, so we try to let her sleep as comfortably as possible."

"Oh," Bev says, "Can I borrow some pajamas?"

"Yeah!" You reply, "Just grab something from the closet or my drawers."

"'Kay," She snags a blank tank while you pick out a yellow nightgown. You're facing the mirror when Beverly pulls off her t-shirt, and you nearly choke. You can't seem to take your eyes off her back, even when you know you've been staring for too long. "Is your little brother asleep?"

You drop your attention to the floor and quickly pull off your shirt. "Yeah, should be. I'll kill the little shithead if he's not."

Bev smiles. "He's a good kid; If he's awake, he's probably reading. He likes to read, right?"

"Yup," You pop the 'p', "He's into numbers and all that. I'll never understand it."

"He probably thinks the same thing about your art, you know."

You hum and pull the nightgown over your head. "Everybody thinks that way about art, Bev. If you're not dedicated to a nine to five office job, then you're somehow a deadbeat, leaching off the productive middle class."

Bev laughs gently, and it's airy and elegant and perfect. "You're always opinionated, you know that?"

When you toss her a quizzical look, she elaborates and walks over to face you. "Not in a negative way; It's like... It's like you must have all these thoughts swimming around in that pretty head of yours."

Pretty?

Beverly continues. "I mean, you're just so... I don't know? Most people don't care about anything, let alone the world or society. You're bound to make a difference."

You blink at her, your fairy lights hanging loosely from your window and spreading a gold light. Her ocean eyes are iridescent. She's iridescent. Her pink lips curve into a smile, and she glances at the floor.

"What?" She whispers.

You sputter. "N-Nothing. Just, um— Thanks. Thank you, really. I— I just, nobody's taken me that seriously before," You explain, tucking a thick strand of hair behind your ear. "I've always just been Loudmouth."

Bev's face melts into one of sympathy and curiosity, her long eyelashes brushing her cheeks. Gingerly, she places a hand on your shoulder, one that shoots electricity throughout your skin. Her grip tightens. "Listen. Quiet people don't do shit, okay? People who keep their opinions to themselves don't make history."

You shrug a shoulder and give her a lopsided smile. "I can't even make a difference in backwater Derry. How the hell am I supposed to change the world?"

Outside, rain begins to patter restlessly against your windowsill, keeping the stars awake. Inside, Beverly looks at you like she just might think you're a goddess.

"You've already changed mine."

Your entire life, people have told you how the world has to be: Simple, honest, and conservative. They've told you who to be, who to love, what to do. It's always been "you'll meet someone who makes you feel like the world is glowing", followed by, "don't rush, you'll find him soon". What if you don't want to find him? What if you want to find her?

What if you already have?

Beverly Marsh is incomparably the prettiest girl you've ever seen when she's jumping from the cliff into the lake below.

Scratch that, she's incomparably the prettiest girl you've ever seen, and she makes your universe glow.

She's a flash of red, shimmering, shining, iridescent; A ruby tossed into the sky like a plain penny into a wishing well.

   She's radiant, tomboyish, and beautiful.

Beverly, in all her elegance, has learned to tame your chaotic hair, your wild eyes, and the crooked pair of overalls that swallowed your thighs. Her, that gentle smile, rendered you speechless daily. You, notoriously nicknamed Loudmouth or Mouth, were silent for her.

You've already changed mine.

"Hey, Mouth! The hell are you gawking at?"

Richie Tozier waves a hand in front of you and you crank your eyes up to his squinting face. His freckles surround the massive pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose, and his black hair nearly blinds him.

You throw up a palm to block the sun, but his giant head is doing most of the work. "Your mother over there in her Sunday best."

If he swung his body around any quicker, his head might have popped off like a Barbie doll. He gazes off into the woods across the quarry, his lips upturned in an unattractive flytrap.

Beverly slips her cream-colored gown off her pale shoulders, drawing all eyes to her. The sun beats down on her chopped red locks, accenting the constellation of freckles along her nose, and warming your flesh under its rays.

Catching the way they all gaze at her, as starstruck as yourself, it hits you like a freight train— you weren't looking at her like you should have been.

Under the intensity of her icy blue gaze, you feel so small; so homely. Your chest aches, but that girl doesn't give you time to grieve. She is in the air in a split second, high like an angel, falling towards the murky waters below.

  The boys crowd around the cliff's edge, mouths gaping, eyes bright. It strikes you from the heavens, like a harsh cacophony: These aren't your boys anymore.

  You had slipped out of the world briefly, and before long, you are alone at the edge.

Sandy curls appear in front of your face, tilting to reveal the kind eyes of Stanley Uris. His mouth forms a firm line. He seems to be at war with himself as he stares out into the blue sky, dotted with white clouds.

  He stays silent for a moment, searching for the right words. "I want to go last," He finally breathes, seemingly triumphed in his verbiage, "I don't want them to see me cross my fingers behind my back before I go."

  The vulnerability he expresses warms your heart, and you grin up at him, having gained your confidence back. You are grateful he didn't pry into your dilemma. You didn't expect otherwise, but it was still nice. Stanley is a boy of few words, but the word 'shy' doesn't fit right, as it implies bashfulness or a sweet innocence.

   Rather, he prefers the quality of speech over quantity, believing that the chattiest voices aren't always the loudest. A respectable notion, sure, but you tend to believe it in theory rather than in practice.

   Stanley's thin frame makes no unnecessary movements, but rather awaits yours. One of his hands cuffs the other in front of his hips. The cool breeze had only an inch to squeeze between within the crevice of your shoulders.

You pull your yellow scrunchie from your hair, and wrap it around your wrist, as Stanley speaks, "Promise not to tell?"

“Pinky promise,” You insist, holding up the smallest finger on your right hand. When his wraps around yours, you toss him a childlike grin. “I never break them.”

   You're gone, cascading down towards the green waters, each wave crystallizing in your descent.

     "I know."

Stanley crosses his fingers behind his back and steps off the cliff's rocky edge.

Stan’s dive is a flash of gold: Like a bird, graceful in its dip, his curls like its wings.

  You find yourself wanting to ask him what it's like to fly.

The water is cool, luckily fizzling the heat out of your cheeks when Beverly appears beside you, grinning softly at—

Bill.

You swallow thickly and turn your head to Richie and Eddie arguing about something pointless. Richie's skin is set ablaze every time Eddie points a finger at him or moves closer.

Across from you, Ben's eyes are set on your face, and you nearly jump when yours land on them. He sputters silently and glances over to the boulders near the trees.

You tilt your head in question, "Ben, what is it?" It's too late now, but you realize you weren't very subtle. At all.

He facepalms. "Can we, uh...?"

Nodding in understanding, you doggy paddle through the lake and onto the shore. Ben is quickly beside you.

The boy leads you over to the boulders and sits on a large one. His hands are glued to his knees, and you can tell he's anxious.

You lean your elbows on your thighs and wait.

"U-U-Um— Can I..? Would you..?" He shakes his head suddenly and regroups. "I need— I need help with something..."

"...Okay..?" You gesture for him to elaborate.

"Can you help me write love notes to Beverly?" He spits out softly, and you choke on your own spit.

You stand up abruptly, like you sat on a pin, and cross your arms. Your brows curl inward in confusion, embarrassment, and anxiety. "W-What? Sorry, I don't— Why?"

"Because... You are a girl, you know? You know a lot more personal stuff about her, I think, right?" He asks, rubbing his clammy palms together.

"Uh," You run your fingers up your arm, "I guess? I don't think... That would be... She doesn't..."

He gives you an awkward crooked smile. "I mean, it's okay 'cause you're a girl. I wanted to ask Bill or someone else but since they're guys it might be different..."

"H-How so?"

"Well— You know. They might secretly like her or something," Ben says, staring at the dirt by his feet.

You swallow, and glance out to the water; To where she is. Beverly meets your eyes and smiles gently. Your stomach does a flip.

"Can I— Can I think about it?" You inquire softly, and Ben nods swiftly.

"Yes! Yes, of course. That's okay," He sounds a bit sad.

You reach out and rub his shoulder. "You're an amazing person, Ben, you know that? She'd love anything you wrote to her."

You smile crookedly, the corner of your mouth twitching.

Ben nods slowly and shakes his arms a bit to free himself of nerves. "You're right— I should just be more confident..."

He's obviously trying to convince himself more than you.

"Bev—" He shouts suddenly, and she looks over with a grin. One of her hands runs through her hair, and you can feel her eyes burning holes in your face just seconds before she focuses on him. "You look beautiful today!"

Beverly Marsh smiles ever so gently, her cheeks blossoming in a shade of scarlet. The freckles lining the bridge of her nose accent the brightness of her eyes, and you swallow thickly.

She really does.

Tapping a pen against a thick sheet of paper, you push your tongue against your cheek and read over the words again.

PROS:

♡ helping ben!

♡ practicing writing!

♡ practicing stationary!

♡ getting ben and bev together!

♡ making bev feel good!

♡ getting over the butterflies?

You scowl. The hell does that mean? You glance at the clock, which reads 8:37. You consider the pros to writing anonymous love letters to Beverly, which seems to be a lot— And the selfish part of you tells you that it would be beneficial to you— How so? You're not quite sure, as admitting to yourself that it even took nearly an hour.

Within your friend group, you've always been relatively open— Keeping up with honesty, kindness, and always wearing your heart on your sleeve. Stanley said it was naive to do so, but you feel that in a world that is so blatantly harsh and negative, being real with those around you is a heap of good. So why is it suddenly so difficult to be honest with yourself?

You concentrate your thoughts of Beverly, so that you might understand, or in the least identify, what exactly your true intentions with her are. Immediately, your stomach curls, and you feel your insides turn to mush. These sensations are familiar— You've had countless encounters with them.

You picture her in your head, memorize the features of her that always seem to stick when she's around. Her red hair, her freckles, those eyes... And her lips. The curve of them when she grins, or laughs— And briefly, ever so, you imagine what'd they'd be like pressed against yours—

"Hey," Your mom says, your door now swung open, and you scream, tipping out of your desk chair. You land flat against your back and groan.

Your heart beats painfully in your ribcage.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Come do the dishes," She tells you, and you nod profusely.

You inhale through your nostrils and run your fingers through your hair, sighing. Once she's gone, you push your head into the crook of your elbow.

Tears unravel into your arm.

Why did it have to be Beverly Marsh?

[ 🌱 ] taglist (from original write):

@hannarudick @cedricisnotonfire @russian-romanova @pacifythepanda @queen1054 @thebitchiestnerdtowalktheearth @delicrieux (you get to be on here cuz.. i said so).

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

16 - Is This A Good Idea

This chapters songs:

These Days - The Wallows

Stay away (it's like that) - TV Girl

Verbatim - Mother Mother

- Y. L. Perspective

It was Monday once again, and I was sitting down at the freakishly clean lunch table, where I nervously waited for my friends' long-awaited responses. "So? Do you guys wanna...say something?"

Everybody sat with their eyes wide, surprised at my explanation of how the other night came to be.

"You're telling me...that...you and Sugawara..were a thing this whole time?!" Giki slams her palms onto the table, catching the attention of a few people around us. "AND YOU DIDN'T THINK TO TELL US...?!"

Toruku puts his finger over her mouth, still keeping his eyes on me. I wasn't very confident that my friends would understand that Koushi and I had loved each other for quite a while. But I had to tell them sooner or later. And before anything is official between us, I'd like to tell them. They're my family, after all.

"Are you guys boyfriend and girlfriend?" Hikishi curls his brows, fishing out some rice on his chopsticks, and shoving it into his mouth. "Damn, I knew something was going on between you guys!"

Giki slaps Toruku's finger away, rolling her eyes. She twirls her short black hair in her fingers, still curious about my relationship with a boy they had only met a few times. "I thought that you said you were just friends? Not that I'm against it.. but.. how come you didn't tell us?"

Toruku chimes in, "Is this why you talk about him so much? Or why you've been so distant recently?" His words make me think back to the many times I had listened to their conversations more than discuss with them anything that happened with me.

"I guess I was just scared you guys would think I'm getting myself into trouble or something. I mean, none of you have got your eye on anyone, right?" I look at the three as they all shake their heads. "Look, we're not a couple or anything. We're just... overthinking things."

I loudly, laying my head down on the table. Truth was, I'd been wondering whether or not being in a relationship with Koushi was a smart idea. All I needed was a chance to go through my options and stop to think. Thankfully, Hikishi taps my head, pulling my attention towards him, Giki, and Toruku.

"Hey, we're still your friends, you know. It doesn't matter who you like, we're always here to talk and give you advice. Besides, we all like Sugawara! He's nice and treats you good," Hikishi says, turning to his friends for reassurance. "Right guys?"

They nod, leaning close towards each other to make a small oddly shaped circle. "Yeah, of course. Now, spill, Y/n! What has been happening ever since the party?"

"Uh, yes. On a walk home, we had both agreed to wait a little bit to figure out our feelings, but it was more so that I could realize mine. It wasn't so bad, though. I had time for myself and to spend some time with the volleyball team. They're loud and crazy, but they're fun. I can't believe they're all so respectful considering they're teenage boys. Anyway, we kept talking casually as two people who liked each other would!" I take a sip of my juice box, taking a deep breath from explaining so much. Still, my friends were all ears, leaning back to hear the frightening love story of Koushi and me. "After Oikawa had seen me at the party, he tried texting me a few days later, saying he wanted to talk. I brushed it off casually as any other person who's been in drama with him would and told him I was busy. But on the day of the practice game, I saw him there! He and Oikawa. Supposedly, they're the two best players on the Aoba Johsai Volleyball team."

"Oh..does that mean you have beef with them not only because of that party and because of volleyball?" Giki asks. By "you guys", she meant Toruku and me.

I nod, slapping my forehead. "Yup. And that's not even the worst part! We have to play in a spring tournament with them, which means seeing them more than what I'm comfortable with. On the day of the game, I bumped into Hajime in the hall. He didn't cause any trouble! He was nice and apologized and everything, surprisingly. I explained how I was there as a manager, not some creepy stalker, and even got to talk a bit about how life's been treating us. As for Oikawa, he didn't say much. He saw that I was at their game as a manager, but never confronted me about it. I'm sure Hajime had enlightened him on how I was a part of the volleyball team. Still, he could have told me something if he claims he wanted to talk so badly! Koushi noticed how I was acting strange when he entered the room and confronted me about it when we got to my house."

Toruku raises a brow, asking, "your house? So he spends the night now?"

"N-no! Well, he's never actually stayed an entire night. He usually just comes over towards night and leaves around two or three in the morning. I think his dad might be strict about him staying out late, so that's probably why he has to sneak back home. Anyway, after I had told him what happened, he understood, and eventually, we began talking about ourselves. God, it felt so good to tell him how I felt. And I know now that I didn't just like Koushi, I was in love with him. He just makes me feel safe and knows me so well. If we weren't separated by an entire school year, I'm sure I would have realized it sooner, but I do love him. A lot, actually. And if I'm being brutally honest, I don't care we only have a year to be together." For a second, I forgot that my friends had opinions of their own and began to blabber on about how much I liked Suga. They all looked as if they were just given a box or issues to solve. "So...do you guys think I should?”

None of them mutter a word and instead trade worried expressions, then look back at me. "Look,

Y/n. I don't think any of us have ever experienced this entire 'love' thing except for you and Toruku, so I don't think that our opinions would help very much. But..we can all agree that you've cheered up ever since you started hanging out with Sugawara. Hell, even your chords have been getting better. We've never seen you so happy before. So if you really love him, then we respect your decision to be with him." Hikishi smiles brightly at me, as Toruku and Giki nod along with his words.

I sigh, very relieved that I had such wonderful friends. They were here for me before I even got to find myself and my talents. How could I doubt that they wouldn't be supportive? It's them, after all. "That amazing, thank you, guys." I smile back, looking down at the poke bowl I'd brought in my bento today. "Now that that's over, we should probably make plans for our schedule. It's been quite some time since we've talked about it."

"Ah, yes!" Giki exclaims, shoving her hands into her school bag and fishing out a large piece of paper. "So, I just got this flyer for a band competition coming up. It's in about a month, so that gives us some time to come up with some ideas for songs and practice."

Each of us passes around the flyer, observing its letters. Although it was written in lazy lettering and small pictures, we knew it wasn't something to brush off. Booking gigs and getting our name out to the public was what we needed. Ever since we had published a small album of some scraps from a few songs we'd written, we've only gotten people from our families, school, and some friends we knew in the industry. And before we would sign with my aunt, she wanted for us to gain a few more supporters and fans to help us get the word out further.

Giki nods, happily drumming her fingers on the table. "Yup! I already signed us up. Since the festival has gotten much more popular, I'm sure there will be a lot of people there!"

"Great, that gives us something to look forward to. Now, for what to choose as the song..." I lean onto my elbow, stared down by my band members. They all raise their brows at me. "...what?"

"Word on the street is that Summer's Amp Fest is looking for more than just what people can cover. They're looking for authenticity. We think it would be best to come up with something of our own, " Toruku explains. Still, I'm confused as to why they look to me for help.

"So..?"

"So... do you wanna come up with some lyrics?" In surprise of Giki's question, I began choking on my salmon. 'Write a song? I hope they only mean words and not notes as well. I've never been asked such a thing from my band.' I think to myself, choking in distress while Hikishi handed me a cup of water.

I down the entire thing, steering the coughing to a halt. And not long after do I ask, "you mean, like, write an entire song?! Look, I'm flattered and all, but I'm not very good!"

"Come on! You're the one who knows their way with words, Y/n! You've written a few others in the past, why not do it now?" Toruku pleads.

"Because it's so stressful! And only in a month? Can we even be prepared by then?!" I yell out. "Besides, what would I even write about? It's not like my life is any more interesting or sad than you guys!"

"Tch, you're in love for Christ's sake! That's what most artists write about! Take a look at TV girl— all they sing are songs about being addicted to cigarettes, sex, and heartbreak. You can do it, Y/n!" Hikishi claps his hands together. "As long as it's impactful and sounds good, then I think we'll be fine."

"Yeah! If you'd like, you can even talk to Suga about it! Maybe he can help too," Giki suggests.

I frown, scared that when the time comes, I'll disappoint my friends. All I've ever written are a few words and such. Almost all our songs are instrumentals with one or two verses. "I don't know, you guys. What if I make something super cringe and bad?"

"Y/n, you've got everything you need to write a full song. All we're asking for is authenticity and emotion. Not much! Look, me and Hikishi will take care of the chords and notes. Giki can get everything prepared for us, and you can write the lyrics! A good song will get us in the spotlight," Toruku explains.

Although I had doubts about my talents, I had hope that I could grow a pair and put in some effort into a song.

"Okay then. It can't be too hard, right?"

-

"Koushi, this is so hard! There's nothing I have in mind!" I whine to him as we walk to the clubrooms. School had just ended and volleyball practice was next on our agenda. Today, the so-called so "guardian" was to come back from some kind of secondary school he attended.

The boy pats my back as I throw my head back. "Don't stress it, Y/n. They said it was around a month away, right? That gives you a lot of time to come up with something. And if you'd like, I can even help you. Though, I'm not sure I'm very good with words," he chuckles, running his hand through his hair.

"Really now? Your little letter says otherwise," I say, turning Koushi's cheeks crimson. As much as I wanted to go further into the playful argument, locker rooms were just up ahead. We departed before continuing.

Before I enter the girls club room, the sound of two girls talking came from inside. 'Whatever. Other sports teams have things to do too, right?' I straightened my skirt, hoping that my being there wouldn't be an issue.

I carefully open the door, peeking my head inside of it. I could only recognize Kiyoko changing into her sweat pants, but not the other girl. Once reassuring that it wasn't a crowd of people, I fully entered, closing the door behind me. "Uh—hello," I utter, awkwardly smiling while walking towards my locker.

The stranger turns quickly, revealing her figure. 'Who is this chick?!' I ask myself. She had straight dirty blonde hair, smooth milky skin the covered her body, and deep green eyes. I was surprised such a beautiful and classy girl was here in a gym locker room.

She looks me up and down, attempting to return the smile. "Oh—hi! You must be the new manager. My name is Eclair, it's nice to meet you!"

-

Vote pls and ty ok bye ily

- estrxlar

[lady-snavely]

Sands of Time: Part Four

Put Your Foot in Your Mouth

Pairing: Kuroo Tetsuro x Fem!OC

Warnings: mentions of death, swearing, mutual pining, all the fluff

Two days later Jade had a note taped to her work locker. Kiyoko had called and asked that Jade please please please call her as soon as she was in. Concern etched across her face, Jade hurried out to her coworker. "Margaret, do you know if Kiyoko said anything in regards to what she needed?"

"Something about the study group tonight I assume. I didn't take the call, Denise did." The older woman replied without turning from her monitor. "Can you run to the supply room and grab more paper for the printers?"

"Yeah, sure thing." With a small shake of her head Jade took the portable and called Kiyoko as she began her shift.

"Shimizu." The answer was swift, to the point and professional.

"Kiyoko, this is Jade from the library. I had a message that you needed to speak with me. Is everything okay?"

“Yes, everything is good, thank you for calling me back so quickly."

Jade listened as she picked through the supply room carefully. For as organized as the shelves on the floor were the supply room drove her a bit crazy with as haphazardly things were quite literally just tossed inside. One of these days, she vowed, she would get the room organized.

"All ten of you?" Jade paused her search as she thought. Did they have anything else going on this evening? No, no group readings or reservations in the meeting rooms. No other study groups, it was Friday after all, most other students would be going home for the weekend or going out to parties. Finally, Jade nodded into the receiver. "That won't be a problem, Kiyoko. I'll prepare a meeting room for you as well so you can all work in peace and at the same table. How does that sound?"

"You're sure? We all aren't out of classes at the same time so some will be trickling in later than others."

"Don't worry about it," Jade reassured. "I'll take care of everything."

True to her word, when the first wave of students arrived a handful of hours later, Jade escorted them to the room she'd prepared. Inside she had an assortment of drinks and snacks as well as extra pens and notepads ready for them. Kiyoko had mentioned a longer session tonight, so why not? There were even a few books scattered around the table.

Kiyoko gave her a grateful smile but said nothing as she circled the table, glancing at the available titles as she went. After the third book she turned a frown towards the group still by the door.

"Midterms are around the corner so I pulled some of the more fact dense and helpful material for your respective fields of study," Jade explained when she saw the look.

"You remember each of our programs?" Iwaizumi cocked an inquisitive brow at her.

"Now, now, Iwa-chan," Oikawa scolded lightly. He even went so far as to pat Jade on the head like a dog who performed a trick correctly. "Be nice to the girl."

"I am nice," Iwaizumi snapped. The two bickered like an old married couple on occasion but deep down everyone, Jade included, could see that they cared greatly for each other.

"It makes sense if you think about it," Yaku said as he settled himself into a chair. "We've been coming here regularly for a year. Clearly Jade was being observant and thoughtful."

Iwaizumi grumbled incoherently but nodded his thanks to Jade as Oikawa dragged him through the room.

"Thank you for the kind words Yaku. You know where to find me if you need anything at all." Jade was quick to duck out of the room before anything else could be said.

Over the course of the next hour and a half most of the remaining students showed up and were guided back to the meeting room. Each was just as surprised as the last by the books already in the room. Each thanked Jade profusely for her thoughtfulness.

She was just coming back from showing Akaashi and Bokuto the room and awkwardly accepting their thanks when Kuroo and Kenma entered the library.

"You're actually going to study with us, right?" Kuroo wondered with a glance at his friend.

"I guess," Kenma replied, though his tone held no commitment. "I feel pretty confident about my grades though."

"And yet you're here," Kuroo smirked. "Why won't you admit that you like hanging out with everyone?"

"Because I don't."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Please, not again," Jade stopped the friendly banter before it could go any further. Nonetheless she smiled and beckoned them to follow when the boys turned their attention on her. "Come on, everyone else is already here."

"It's not Monday, is it?" Kuroo asked without moving. A frown soured his face.

"No," Jade dragged the word out in mild confusion. "It's definitely Friday and I would appreciate you not try to make the week longer than it already needs to be. Hello Kenma."

"Hey." He didn't even look up from his phone, but Jade had expected that. She watched him for a moment with a small smile before looking up at Kuroo again.

"Why would you think it's Monday anyway?"

"You always dress up on Monday's," he replied with a shrug. "Got a hot date tonight or something?"

Jade was not amused. "Would it matter if I did?"

Kuroo frowned. "Don't be like that, we know each other well enough, wouldn't you say?"

"Not at all," Jade replied a bit too quickly.

"Enlighten me," Kuroo suggested, "why'd you dress up?"

"It's not like I'm even all that dressed up." Jade glanced down at herself in an outfit that wasn't simply jeans and a blouse like usual.

Kuroo continued to frown down at her. After a moment of silence she huffed and rolled her eyes. "Listen, I need to restock returns," Jade gestured over her shoulder, "the others are in the first meeting room down that way."

"You're an idiot," Kenma said after Jade had left them.

"Hey, I noticed she was dressed differently from usual, didn't I?" Why was he getting defensive?

"You could've just complimented her outfit then. Or even asked her if it was a special occasion instead of assuming she only dressed up because she had a date."

"I bet she does have a date."

"That's – you're an idiot." Kenma repeated. He lightened the insult by smiling faintly as his friend.

"Am not," Kuroo huffed, pretending to be more offended than he truly was. He even went so far as to cross his arms and turn his head away.

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are you two going to join us sometime today?" Having poked his head out of the room at the sound of their voices it was Akaashi who saved Kuroo and Kenma from each other. Just as Oikawa and Iwaizumi had their senseless bickering so did Kuroo and Kenma. Both stemming from decades of friendship and an understanding of one another that only those sort of friendships came with.

She restocked books with an angry sort of gusto that befitted her mood. How dare he assume she only dressed up today because she had a date! Maybe she decided to doll herself up for fun or, you know, just for shits and giggles. And damn him for being right too! Jade's first date in far too long and, if she were being honest with herself, she only got the date because Nyra annoyingly set up a profile on some stupid dating app without her knowledge.

Regardless of her annoyance with Nyra and now with Kuroo, Jade was both excited and incredibly nervous about tonight. A well and true blind date that she'd only been told about this morning and details were still coming in by the hour from her sister. What if the guy was a total weirdo or a creep? What if he wasn't a Tree Nymph, but really one of the dark Fae that her father had warned her from a young age to stay away from? Tonight would go one of two ways; either very well and Jade would agree to a second date or utterly disastrous. Should the latter come to fruition, Jade had already decided that her parents would lose a child.

Jade wasn't asking for Prince Charming. No, she didn't want Mr. Perfect. She didn't even want a knight in shining armor. She didn't need saving. She could slay any of her demons on her own. What she wanted was a partner in crime. She wanted insecurities and flaws. She yearned for intellectual conversations and challenges and a fan of books. An animal lover, not just cats and dogs, but all animals. She hoped for someone who would go for a walk in the rain with her and who held her when she cried over a book at two in the morning. She wanted Tetsuro.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Oh, Margaret, I'm sorry," Jade shook away her thoughts to focus her attention on her coworker. "I was daydreaming again."

"Do that on your own time." Margaret's tone held no amusement. "It's six now, so I'll be going home. You can handle the last couple of hours on your own, can't you?"

"Of course." Jade fought the urge to roll her eyes and only just held back the animosity in her voice. She'd been working with Margaret for over a year now and closed rather frequently on her own. More often than any of her other coworkers but that was by choice. So naturally she could handle the end of the day customers that came through. "Have a good weekend, Margaret."

Margaret left without another word, something she typically did. In her old age, Margaret didn't see the point in replying to send offs. They get drawn out and tiresome, she'd explained to Jade once. And thought it hadn't sat right with Jade who was she to say otherwise to someone so set in their ways?

Another hour passed and Jade had topped off all the printers of paper, she'd checked in and restocked books as they came through and even helped the mother of an eager pre teen find a handful of books to begin his journey into the world of familiars and dragons and spells. She read a bit, eager herself to begin yet another book. It was her third that week.

There was still two hours before closing and Jade hadn't heard or seen anyone from the study group since storming away from Kuroo and Kenma. Hesitating only a moment she knocked on the door frame alerting them all to her presence. "Just checking in to see if I can help with anything," she explained when all eyes turned on her. "I can take away any books or grab new ones?"

"We'll take care of putting everything away," Sugawara gave her a simple smile.

"You look lovely by the way, Jade." Oikawa leaned back in his chair, dangerously close to toppling over, in order to make eye contact with her. "That color really brings out your eyes."

"Oh, thank you, Oikawa. Anyway, it's been pretty dead here tonight so you guys don't have to be so quiet that even a Brownie would be jealous of you. Folklore says they perform chores for Humans at night in exchange for staying at the home." Jade explained when she was met with confused looks. "Right, so, Bokuto, you can resume your usual antics."

"No! No. Absolutely not. Bokuto, don't you dare." Jade took Akaashi's uncharacteristically loud response as her opportunity to go back to the check out desk.

Oikawa didn't let her get away that easily though. Leaning against the counter he propped his chin in his hand. "Spill, what's his name? Where are you going? How did you meet?"

"This is the first time I'll be meeting him," Jade admitted with a sigh. She fell back into her chair, seemingly exhausted.

"Oh, a blind date," Oikawa sang. "How mysterious. Who set you two up?"

"It's only a blind date for one of us. Nyra, my sister, decided I've been single for too long and set up a profile for me on one of those dating apps."

"That's awful kind of her to help you get your feet back in the water."

"Is it though? I don't even know what she wrote in the about me section so how do I know this guy she agreed for me to meet is even there for anything more than just looks. It's shallow."

"Well, I think you're stunning and anyone who says otherwise is a liar."

"Thank you, but your word is far from gospel, Oikawa," Jade snorted a laugh. "And I don't think your boyfriend will appreciate you complimenting me so openly. He may get the wrong idea."

"Don't worry about Iwa-chan." A dismissive wave of his hand and a wink her way easily turned Jade's scowl into a half smile. "There it is. I'm sure if this mystery man gets to know you tonight he'll see just how wonderful you are."

Jade was used to Oikawa's flirting. She knew it meant nothing but even on his best days he never went this far. With one eyebrow raised in question she cocked her head to the side. "What do you want?"

"Told you she would catch on!" Yaku cackled from the hall.

"Yeah, you aren't that sweet!" Iwaizumi added.

"So mean, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa whined his mantra but regained his composure quickly. He flashed a smile at Jade filling her with dread before his request was even heard. "Would you be a dear and order us some bento boxes? We'll pay of course."

"You know we don't allow food in the library."

"Please Jade."

Oikawa sounded like a child begging to stay up past his bedtime. Jade's scowl returned as she stood, making it back into the meeting room before her chair stopped spinning. "Did you draw straws or just send him because you know his whining irritates me?" She asked no one in particular.

"Yes," Kuroo nodded with a mischievous grin.

"That's not a proper response to her question," Kiyoko remarked. "I did try to dissuade this, Jade but I was overruled. I apologize."

It's not that she didn't want to not break the rules. She herself ate in the library all of the time. But they didn't need to know that. Still, they had been here for a good long while now. "You'll eat with the door closed and put the studying away, you all need a break by now anyway and you'll wash your hands afterwards." Vigorous nods answered her stipulations. "I know one of the guys at the shop nearby, let me call him up real quick. Put your requests together and I'll order for you."

"I knew you'd come around!" Oikawa hugged Jade quickly before returning to his seat.

"I'm sure you did," Jade grumbled. Sometimes she was such a pushover.

M.List | Next

[inevitably-johnlocked]

(1/2) Hey Steph! This is a long ask, so feel free to take your time answering as I love your insights! I have two Q's actually. 1. Was TAB supposed to be a standalone? I heard that they lied and something about how it was vital that they showed it before S4, but in hindsight (tinfoil hat aside), I don't see any connections between the two? 2. What were your initial thoughts on the "I Love you" trailer before S4? Ik many use this as proof for queerbaiting, but as a casual viewer then, I...

(2/2) thought y’ll were ridiculous for believing that it’s John when he was clearly in the background. Ofc after rewatching the series with an open mind, I became aware of my own prejudice and am all aboard the Johnlock train now. But I would imagine that as a shipper then, my hopes would be gone after seeing that, not fuel confidence like it did for some. Ik it’s done and we know who it’s to, but I’m interested in hearing the insights from a Johnlocker at that time. Thanks! :)

Hey Nonny! 

Never a problem! I’ll try to answer as best I can!!

1. Ahhh, TAB is an episode I studied IMMENSELY. I love it so much. Mofftiss, before TAB aired, kept insisting that it was a standalone episode and had nothing to do with the current timelines. They also kept saying that “the time is right for us to do this” which had us believing that they were insistent in getting it out before S4, which is why a lot of us DIDN’T believe that the episode was standalone. Many thought it was important because it was foreshadowing the events to come and let us know what Sherlock knows and feels for John…. essentially, instead of trying to solve the mystery of Moriarty, he ended up rediscovering his own self, and finally learning to love and accept John into his life as an equal, not as someone he needs to protect and keep safe. The episode was a huge character-building episode for Sherlock specifically, and I personally think it’s one of the most important episodes of the series. Because “it’s all a dream”, it forces the audience to use metaphorical interpretations of Sherlock’s character and of the people around him, showing us what he knows and how to teach us to see below the surface and read the subtext.

Many people think that it is a “key” to understanding what the hell is going on in S4, and reveals to us that if something seems wrong in the Sherlock universe, then something most likely is. Some people have suggested that the “alternatively” that we have been flipped to in the opening credits is when a secondary timeline had started. I personally don’t think so, since so much character development happened on Sherlock’s part in TAB and to exclude it negates all that development he had. Plus everyone was very much in character, so I digress. I do believe, though, that Unreliable Narrator started in T6T’s D-Notice scene.

Regardless, TAB helps us understand how to read the subtext at a metaphorical level. So when we refer to “John’s TAB” we mean that John is also now having hallucinations of his own, and everything in TFP is all metaphorical like it was for Sherlock – Sherlock’s is Victorian and dramatic like him, and John’s is full of pop culture and horror tropes like the things he likes. In that sense, it makes TAB connected to S4, since it helps us uncover the subtext below. 

Unfortunately, much of S4 is so inconsistent that I honestly have no idea how THAT season connects to the rest of the series, LOL. But if it is all a metaphorical season of a play-by-play of the events of the series so far, then I suppose it can work. It has been suggested that S4 is a "reverse" of the events that have happened so far, or a subtextual replay of the series. I can't find the post at the moment, but it's an interesting read.

2. Well, given what we thought was going to happen, and given the logical narrative next step in the chain, I as well initially thought it was finally Sherlock admitting his feelings, but upon sitting on it more, I then thought it was either blackmail and Sherlock was being forced to confess his feelings under duress, or it was a passcode.  When Mark revealed that Sherlock was “speaking to a mirror”, I then thought it was going to be Molly, but it won’t be good. And lo and behold, what we got was the forced ILY that we did get, which was exactly an entire scene mirroring John, especially if it is in John’s head (she’s even wearing the same sweater that she wore when she was “being John” in TEH). It was baiting, though, especially since BBC themselves kept using it to boost the watch numbers (”who does Sherlock love?!?!!!111?”) and while I am glad that it wasn’t directed at John, I am horrified that it instead destroyed the character arc of Molly, who, in S3, “grew up” and it really seemed like she was done with Sherlock and finally understood he was gay and in love with John. The only way I can deal with it is with John’s POV / TAB reading of the episode: it's how John has always viewed Molly, and this is his projecting his own fears of Sherlock’s “reciprocation of feelings” – as in he fears Sherlock will only say it because it’s what John wants to hear, and not mean it. It’s a very powerful scene at the subtextual level, but on the surface level, it’s very misogynistic (ie. woman being used only as a throw-away plot device and hopelessly in love with the male lead) and terribly drags Molly’s character through the mud. It makes me sad that many cannot see it as such.

As I’ve said numerous times, I’m 50 / 50 on S4. I cannot logically take it at face value simply because of how inconsistent and fucky it all is, and my brain just cannot understand how we went from TAB to S4 without either something happening in the interim, or there being a bigger plan in play, ie. TJLC. I still firmly believe Johnlock is endgame, but I also accept the very likely possibility that the series is over – I have to remain a bit skeptical since I am a creature of logic and because of the “finale” feel of TFP (ie. no cliffhangers) and the post-season interviews with the actors makes me think that it’s likely that it’s not really coming back. But I remain hopeful… I have too much fun doing what I do, and I thoroughly enjoy making people feel better about the series again, as best as I can.

PHEW! Sorry, I ramble a lot; seeing as you are a new Johnlocker I assume you’re also new to my blog and therefore have just discovered how long winded my responses can get when I am passionate about a topic! That all said, thank YOU for allowing yourself to at least give us the benefit of the doubt and understand where we were coming from – it’s all most Johnlockers and TJLCers ever ask for, to be honest. We aren’t trying to convert people, we just want people to understand how narrative structure and tools work, such as mirrors and subtext. I mean, I’m tickled pink that you are all aboard with us, and I am happy that you just watched the episodes through new goggles. Here’s a fun game, Nonny: Now that you have Gay Goggles™, rewatch all the episodes again, and then ESPECIALLY DIE at TSo3 (my Johnlock Enlightenment Episode®) – you’ll be kicking yourself once you realize how close to the surface it really all was and – if indeed S4 is the final season – you’ll understand WHY we call it all queerbaiting. It’s not even subtle in S3 especially, but yeah, it fucking HURTS to see how much they love each other and how hard Mofftiss just keep making them stay apart. It’s REALLY apparent in S4, like it looks like they’re doing everything possible to keep John and Sherlock apart because Ben and Martin can’t fucking stop making Goo Goo eyes at each other, LOL.

Anyway, TL;DR: 1) Surface level, no, it doesn’t really connect except as the "what happened on the tarmac" filler episode, but subtextually it is the key to the series as a whole. 2) Yes, it was baiting of all kinds, hetero and queerbaiting… sadly a lot of The Others didn’t see how fake that whole scene was and how much it dragged Molly, and I feel sad for them, genuinely, because what kind of standards for relationships do they have if they thought that scene was real and genuine? Sherlock clearly didn’t want to do it because it wasn’t true, and he cares for Molly very much as a friend and didn't want to hurt her.

I hope I answered your questions alright! Cheers Nonny!

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

08 - Confession

This chapter's songs:

Off and On; SALES

Heaven; Clairo

A Pearl; Mitski

- Y.L. Perspective

   "Hey."

   The word is distant yet close, making me gasp awake. When my eyes open, I'm in sight of the foggy wet window causing pitter-patter in front of me. 'It rained.' I thought, looking out to the concrete that was soaked. Not that it bothered me; rain was one of the many things that I enjoyed.

  Coming back to reality, I notice that the scenery outside is too familiar, and not long after do I realize we're parked right outside of my house, waiting for me to awake. At first, I'm completely tripped out that I had teleported from the skate park to here, but it was just a generous favor from Sugawara.

  And suddenly, everything from last night comes to mind.

  After Suga had kissed first me, we'd spent more than enough time on each other's faces. But the last thing I remember is sopping down on my seat and falling asleep, worn out, instead of coming up with an excuse of why I made the stupid decision of making out with him. There was not one thing fair about me knocked out in his passenger seat while he reflected on my behalf as well.

But thankfully it appeared Koushi didn't care all that much. Getting me home was one of his priorities this morning.

  "What time is it?" I yawn, stretching out my limbs as far as they can go, but that's only to where the seat's leg space ends.

   "It's ten AM. But it's a Saturday, so you should probably get some rest today. You went to sleep pretty late last night, and you didn't look very comfortable." He describes, leaning on the door window, staring at the pouring rain. It enlightened me that Suga cares about my rest, but what about him? From what I understand, he stayed up just as long as I did. If not, longer.

  So, I decided I should offer something that I was hoping wouldn't make him uncomfortable or jump to conclusions. "Uhm...if you're tired then you can come in too, and we can just stay here for the day until you wanna go home, " I tell him, mirroring his action, and resting both my head and arm on the window.

  The invitation seemed to surprise him, for he had quickly whirled his head towards me, asking, "Wait, are you sure? Y-your mom won't be mad that I'm over? Cause– you know..." he trails off, anxiously pressing his palms together, and looking downwards. It came off that he felt almost ashamed that we shared an intimate moment, which wasn't something that he should be responsible for. But even so, I still wanted to spend more time with him. If I'm being completely honest, I wasn't sure if it was because I liked him, or because he was such a refreshing person to be around, but he made me feel better than I had felt in a long time.

   "Suga, I'm sure. Look, if you don't wanna hang out that's fine. I was just asking because you seemed tired and said you don't wanna be home right now." My eyes snake from his chest to his eyes, hoping it would give him an understanding that I really wanted him to come inside. "So, do you wanna?"

  Sugawara gulps in nervousness, clearing his throat before speaking. "Uh, yeah. Sure. But we better hurry up, or we'll get soaked."

- K. S. Perspective

   I wait behind her light brown painted door, running my hands through my damp hair. Small noises of clatter are heard, while I uncomfortably stand outside of her room, waiting for her to open up. To be honest, I wasn't sure about being casually invited into her house after last night. All that ran through my head was, 'did she even like it? Does she feel uncomfortable? What if she wants to go further?

Should I confess right now?'

Finally, her door pops open, revealing her in a change of comfortable clothing and the room behind her. "Uhm, come in," she says, pulling the door wider for me to come in. The room consisted of regular decorations I thought she'd have: anime and music artist posters, a random guitar, a few color-changing lights, and a bean bag chair. "I know it's weird and all. I guess I just haven't gotten the chance to redo my room."

"No, it's—it's fun," I tell her, sticking my hands in my pants pocket. I had to say, it'd been quite a while since I'd been in a girl's room so casually. Not that I was jumping to conclusions, but I was hoping she'd want to discuss things over what had happened. That way I could make it clear to her that I wasn't playing around with her feelings.

  She shuffled towards her messy bed, turning towards me, before falling backward onto it. Her loud yawn and stretch echo throughout the room, as well as the low music that she had playing on a home speaker on her dresser. As much as I wanted to feel relaxed, I hardly could. I felt almost scared to stand in her room alone right after we had made out. All I could think of was running my hand against her skin, and rubbing my lips against her hot neck. Now she was casually laying on her bed, looking back at me with absolutely no expression.

  "Come, come, " she says, holding out a hand towards me, which makes my anxiety advance to an entirely new level. But following her orders, I hesitantly take it, quickly being pulled to where she laid. The sudden action has me wide-eyed and rested on my side, facing only Y/n. Though I tried hiding my uneasiness, she eventually broke my cover with a simple sentence. "I feel so tired. Don't you?"

I nod, before gulping almost too loudly. However, Y/n keeps her gaze on me, gradually making her eye rests longer. Feeling the dirtiest in the room, I begin to distance myself from her stature, removing the dark paid cover-up that spread over my shoulders, as well as a few accessories I had and tossed them on a small desk at the side of her bed. Then, I took out my phone, deciding it was best to talk to Daichi about everything; I was hoping my friends weren't angry I had ditched them so suddenly.

—

Daichi

How was the party?

Weren't you there?

I left earlier than expected

Around what time?

12:00 AM

That's not that early

Anyways, it was fine I guess

Everyone was being stupid and drunk

I know, good thing I didn't stay so long

Miya said you left with Y/n-?

Yeah, but I just took her out cause she wasn't having a good time

Well, I just took her to some park where we spent the night in my car and I drove her home today

Now we're just napping in her room

I thought you said you wanted to see how things went with her :(

Don't worry we didn't do anything

At least not something extreme

What'd you do??

Uh

We just kind of made out for a few minutes

But it wasn't bad or anything

It was nice

Pls don't tell anybody because I'm not sure how to tell her yet

That you're in love with her?? Ahh ok-.-

I'm not in love with her,

Koushi, you told me you've never wanted to want to make somebody feel loved the way you did Y/n.

Well

Uh

Whatever

Are you coming to the practice game today?

Oh yeah

What time

In like thirty minutes

Are you serious

But I needed to talk to y/n

I was gonna wait till she woke up

Sorry man

Just leave her a note you'll be back?

Yeah, ok

----

As Daichi had told me to, I decided to find the nearest paper and pen that sat lazily on Y/n's desk. But instead of tossing a few words to excise my absence, I thought of doing something very stupid and risky.

I left a love letter.

At first, I felt as if I was being nothing but a coward for not telling her personally. What would she think if I had just run off and left a confession for her to run through my herself? But after realizing that I could let her think things through, I thought it was the best idea I had that entire year.

And so, I wrote my feelings down quicker than ever imagined, fitting in what I could to convince Y/n of my love for her.

To y/n,

This is one of the most idiotic things I could have done to tell you, but I have a practice game and I can't afford to miss practice right now. As you know, I'm on the edge of having my position taken.

Y/n, after about a week of knowing you I realized that you make me feel like a better person. When I hear your voice or get the benefit of making you smile, it feels like I'm on a high off of you. You're the most beautiful, talented girl have ever met in my life. Without you, I don't think I could have lasted this first week.

I remember the feeling you gave me when we were younger. Even if you didn't talk to me, or didn't acknowledge my existence very much, I still wanted to discover every corner of you. I thought I wouldn't have ever met someone that I was so passionate about like I was for you. And when our first year of high school ended, I felt heartbroken by the fact that I didn't get to tell you how I felt about you. How your essence made my heart warm, how your skin makes me crave touching you, how much space you filled up in my small brain.

When I had seen you on the bus that one morning, I couldn't believe how much you've grown. I know this is personal for you, but you were in a bad state, and it caused me pain to see that you felt alone, and you didn't know how much I cared for you. So when I saw how much you were taking care of yourself, it brought me to hope that I could do the same. If you didn't already know, after my mom had died, I started creating bad habits and ruined my self-portrait. I felt like there was no way out, and that I was useless. But then I met you, again. You brought me to become a better person for myself, Y/n.

I don't want to rush you into anything, but I feel like I should confess to you that I'm in love with you. I've never had the feelings I have for you. Every day I find myself thinking of how lovely you are. And after what had happened last night, I realized, why wait? Why wait to tell you this the way I did in my first year? If I did, then I'm gonna run out of time. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, Y/n. I think I'm scared that you won't look at me the same, or that you think I'm a burden to you. But at this point, I think I've run out of space to store what I feel for you.

Overall, I love you, Y/n. Please, do me the honor of being with me.

Love, Koushi.

—

I'M SO SORRY FOR SUCH A SHORT CHAPTER YOU GUYS<\3. But I hope you appreciate it. Please comment and note bc it really helps

As always, I love you guys

- estrxlar