#anyways the wedding itself was perfect i truly love wedding episodes of shows so much

[cybernaght]

Guardian rewatch: Episode 5

I thought this would be a shorter recap. Ha!

Every now and then throughout this show we are getting CGI wide shots of the Dragon City, mostly establishing the time of day. They have three settings: nighttime, daytime, and sunset/sunrise. While quality-wise those wide shots would not feel out of place in a video game from ten years ago, with buildings looking all rubbery, I actually really like this sunset sky. I also appreciate that they firmly establish that this is city is not, in fact, a real place. I almost wish the architecture was a little bit less familiar, but making the city look truly otherworldly here would make location scouting much harder. As it happens, the buildings on the forefront have a very 60’s art deco revival inspired feeling, and there are some distinctively neoclassical buildings peppered around as well. We can also see that the roads are very wide, and generally there is a hint of Stalinist grandioseness about the downtown. Unfortunately, it looks nothing like the locations and sets the characters are running in; we also get a feeling that the Dragon City is very large, which is not entirely consistent with the very few locations that were available when shooting the series. This shot does, however, remind me the city I grew up in (Moscow).

The actual plot of the episode centres around Huang Linqi and his fiancé, Li Jiaqi, going missing - it will be important, because their disastrous wedding will produce the most Clark Kent moment that Shen Wei will ever have. We also meet the parents of the couple, who are stinking rich and extremely unpleasant. It also introduces us to Butler Wu (Wu Tian’en) and his son, who will become important in later episodes. Butler Wu is not actually the villain of the piece, despite this shot clearly telling us otherwise. 

Back at the university, Shen Wei is having a morning tea with his dean. He holding his teacup with almost god-like elegance, very close to actually covering his mouth when he drinks, which is extremely old-fashioned. This is in stark contrast with him brazenly and un-gentlemanly showing his ankles. 

Shen Wei is asked to move off campus, because, apparently, having a chief of the special task force showing up at your office is bad for the reputation. Since the professor does not look surprised, and states that he has already found a flat, I’m guessing that he was clever enough to have predicted this turn of events, and used it to secure the place a breath away from Zhao Yunlan. It is up to speculation as to when he started scouting for an apartment: it could not have been more than a few weeks since he met Zhao Yunlan, and finding a flat can take a while. 

At the SID office, we are treated to a lovely moment between the team members, crowding around Lin Jin’s new invention: a popcorn-specific microwave.

It’s very sweet to see the team indulge in some nonsense outside of their case work, made even better by Wang Zheng being there. The fact that Zhao Yunlan is on board with his department’s time and resources being spent on a popcorn maker only makes this scene better. He is crouching on the table, because chairs are for the weak.

After inspecting the crime scene, Zhao Yunlan is spending some time outside chatting to Buttler Wu, and comments on Li Jiaqi’s good looks, since Zhao Yunlan is a man who can appreciate beauty.

As Xiao Guo is awe-struck at his boss’ ability to note someone’s prettiness from a distance, Chu Shuzhi literally rolls his eyes calling those “instincts of a beast”, and Zhao Yunlan fails to reprimand him for the remark, because… fair enough. Very fair enough. It’s hard not to relate to Zhao Yunlan, a self-admitted bi disaster. 

Shen Wei is being shown his new apartment. He does not even look around it, staring instead at Zhao Yunlan’s front door across the hall from him.

Moving here is a completely senseless thing to do. How on earth is he planning to hide his Hei Pao Shi persona while being a next door neighbour to the chief of SID? My conclusion is that from a character stand-point, it’s nothing but an act of desperate devotion; from a narrative stand-point, this codifies that their relationship is about to get very intimate indeed. 

The SID members are interrogating Buttler Wu: as is often the case, instead of bringing him in, like they did with Shen Wei, they hijack a cafe nearby to have a more relaxed conversation. As they talk, Shen Wei is making his way past the cafe, which both Wu Tian'en and Shen Wei notice. 

Shen Wei proceed to follow Butler Wu, who calls him out on it. This leads to a removal of his glasses so epic it warrants a jump-cut to close-up, on top of the dutch angle used mere seconds prior to it.

Instantly recognizing Shen Wei as Hei Pao Shi, Wu Tian’en sinks to his knees in reverence. Again, fair enough. After having a brief conversation about their shared history, Shen Wei states that Butler Wu is not allowed to lay a hand on Zhao Yunlan. 

“Chief Zhao? You’re stalking him?” 

“You don’t need to know more.”

That is not a no. Mostly because that is a yes. 

Shen Wei promises to not take Wu Tian’en away before the man resolves his current problems, adding that he hopes his old acquaintance won’t have any regrets when that happens. As Shen Wei walks away, he muses “Then how much time is there left for me?” 

(And I have to fight an uncomfortable sinking feeling in my stomach, which is occurring a lot as I rewatch those series.) 

The same evening at the SID offices the team is struggling with the case so much Da Qing suggests asking Hei Pao Shi’s help. Zhao Yunlan bristles at the idea, and… calls Shen Wei instead. Of course he does.

To be fair, he does so to check whether the other man is stalking him, but he also calls him by his given name rather Professor Shen, reinforcing that he makes this enquiry as a friend, not at as the chief of the Special Investigations Department. 

During the phone call Shen Wei is absentmindedly playing with the corner of the publication he is reading. 

While Yunlan does not deny that he still thinks Shen Wei is potentially up to something dodgy, he still proceeds to ask his advice on the case. This continues the dynamic from the previous episode: it’s not that Yunlan is completely blind, it’s just that he trusts Shen Wei regardless of the secrets he might be hiding. 

Moving on, here’s what I have to say on he topic of bad CGI. There are several reasons in the world for a piece of visual media to have a poor quality computer animation. It could be laziness, or it could be absence of imagination, both of which are inexcusable. It also could be absence of funds, as is the case with the Guardian. And, honestly, I am alright with that. It’s not their fault, and I would much rather see this drama as it is - bad CGI and all - than none at all. 

And, the quality of CGI here has energy similar to Live Action Sailor Moon (PGSM), which I honestly find both nostalgic and endearing. 

That show also has a talking cat, but it’s performed by a literal plush toy on strings, so Guardian certainly wins here.

While Huang Linqi and Li Jiaqi are being kept together (possibly in an alternate dimension, seeing as how they have emerged from the lake completely dry), they talk through their relationship issues, and the audience finds itself with a sugar-sweet take on the arranged marriage/strangers to lovers trope. I feel a little bit bad about their disaster wedding now. 

At the same time, Xiao Jun and Wu Tian’en’s story is a tiny echo of Shen Wei end Je Zun: the son thinks his dad left him to fend for himself when he was young and vulnerable, and distrusts the very concept of love because of that perceived abandonment. Unlike Je Zun however, he stops to have an actual conversation, which ultimately forces him to quit his senseless act of revenge, and make the first step on the path of reconciliation and redemption. This is Guardian telling us that communication skills do, in fact, matter. 

He also drops this bombshell of a line, which hurts my heart a lot.

“In the face of death every love in the world is mere foam”

On an entirely separate note, I am very glad that the actor who plays Butler Wu is wearing nice thick knee pads. 

They are very visible, and they make a little “boing” when he hits the ground, but the actor has to fall to his knees twice in this episode, both times on hard surfaces, one of which is literal gravel, and I’m happy that the production is being considerate of their actors’ physical well-being. 

While this episode does not mark the first time Zhao Yunlan is being understanding to the Undergrounders in pain, this is the first time anti-Unvergrounder bigotry is explicitly framed in a negative light. The two evil businessmen, who cast a child aside just because he has special powers, are shown as unquestionably in the wrong. Xiao Jun is lightly scolded for his rash actions, but he is not brought back to SID in cuffs, and he is not immediately given away to Hei Pao Shi. Far from that: he is brought in softly, to spend some time at his dying father’s side. 

As Butler Wu slipping away, we once more see Guo Changcheng being recklessly heroic, as he is prepared to use the Longevity Dial to share his life force. Instead of letting him do it, Zhao Yunlan snatches the Hallow away and decides to perform this particular miracle himself. This is the same man who will later sacrifice his eyesight to bring people’s lives back. Bai Yu’s acting in that moment is utterly phenomenal, showing a whole range of emotion from horror to determination to dismay in mere seconds. 

Hei Pao Shi teleports in, and, without a preamble, scolds Zhao Yunlan (the first episode in the series-long “don’t touch the Hallows” saga), and then asks him whether it’s worth shortening his life for an Undergrounder. This is in equal parts a provocation and a test, because I’m fairly certain that Shen Wei was going to save Wu Tian’en anyway. 

As SID members beg Hei Pao Shi to save Butler Wu in perfect unison, Zhao Yunlan states that a person is a person, regardless of their origin. Shen Wei notes inwardly that SID had changed, and, as expected, heals Butler Wu, while Yunlan stares at his power with relief and awe.

Since I have talked about the wide shot of the Dragon City, let’s talk about its counterpart in the Underworld. 

I have failed to notice before that there appears to be a vast city next to the volcano river, some way away from the royal Palace, looming over it. Geographically, this makes little sense: we will see characters leave the Palace and instantly end up in a city square throughout the series, but I still really enjoy this wide shot. It is also interesting to see the architecture of the place. It is somewhere between (western) medieval abodes and futuristic shipment container blocks, with living spaces built on top of each other, crammed-in, and unpleasant. I also love the lighting here, contrasting blue and red.

Hallows random power #n: projecting their brethren. Imagine how useful it would be if they also did that for the Brush and the Lantern.

The next day, Zhao Yunlan and Da Qing are on a leisurely morning jog, while Yunlan is wearing bottoms that my partner refers to as “sheggings” (as in, shorts + leggings)

They are talking about Shen Wei, naturally. In my head-canon, Zhao Yunlan is driving his colleagues nuts because can’t help himself but bring the good professor up every goddamn minute of every goddamn day.

As they turn the corner to go home, they bump into the subject of discussion, who informs them that he moved into the building, and leaves abruptly looking more than slightly pleased with himself. 

Finally, we are treated to Guo Changcheng’s surveillance exam. I don’t know why he thought this outfit would make him look less conspicuous. 

Eventually, the SID will learn that some of their staff members don’t have to be fighters or detectives. In Xiao Guo, they have found the heart of their team, and that is enough. 

Next up, Episode 6: The Coat Zhao Yunlan Will Buy

—

PS: I have mentioned earlier, that I have a sinking feeling as I watch Guardian, and I would like to elaborate on that. You see, I am very scared of flying. It’s an irrational fear, but it is the one I nonetheless have. There is a very specific feeling I get just as the plane starts gaining speed on the runway: there is joy, because at the end of this journey they is something to look forward to (my parents’ hugs, a drink with a friend, a favourite place, a new city to explore), but there is also a painful anticipation, as I brace for the moment the aircraft will tilt upwards, knowing that I will be pushed back into my chair by gravity, battling against an onslaught of a panic attack, shaking, learning to breathe, fighting with everything I have to keep my heart rate down. Watching Guardian from the beginning, knowing where the story is going, mirrors that feeling perfectly.

PPS: The following conversation happened with my partner as I way typing this recap.

My partner: Do you think Shen Wei ever wears sheggings?

Me: Sweetie, I think he would rather die. 

[cowboylikedean]

folklermore spn finale: the last great american dynasty

Okay so this post took forever to write for a couple reasons. 

First of all, this one is special in that it has two readings for my grief.

The first one is terrible and heartbreaking and honestly I don’t want to spend a lot of time on it. I see Andrew Dabb as THE great villain of Supernatural, and he truly had a marvelous time ruining everything. The sarcastic nature of the song goes in to speak to the fact that I feel legitimately crazy for how much I blame him. It’s sad and heartbreaking. I think about it sometimes when i hear this song and instantly force myself to stop thinking about it and go back to the other view. 

So the other view is more what you might expect with the vibe of the song... but it is SO HARD for me to put into words, I found. So I’m sorry if this is messy and disjointed and all over the place. 

I spoke in cardigan’s post about how I’m not the fan the show wanted and there’s a large part of the narrative in the folkermore-spn-finale feelings for me that expresses not being the fan the narrative wanted or needed.... Most of the time this is brought up in this, it’s angry, or sad, or whatever... but this time... this time it celebrates it.

I had a marvelous time ruining everything.

Putting this under a cut because it’s very long. I didn’t mean for this to get this long rip.

I let myself sink into the feelings of wonder and awe I felt when I first fell in love with the show and then let myself find the conclusion that IF I did in fact “ruin everything” (aka the show) by not being the fan the show needed me to be to enjoy it, at least I had a good fucking time!

From that first bit where Taylor sings that Rebekah’s salt box house took her mind of St. Louis.... Supernatural took my mind off my life too. I remember when I first watched the show, I was 20 and I’d just failed out of school (the first time). I was lying to my mother and her husband (who I lived with) about going to school. I rode the city bus at the time because I didn’t have my license yet. I’d leave the house and say I was going to the bus stop down the street. Instead, I hid in the woods that separated my neighborhood from my grandfather’s back yard. I worked at his house “after school” every day from 4-6, taking care of his house, doing light cleaning and cooking, helping him adjust to being a double amputee so it worked out nice. Every night I pre-loaded 5 hours of episodes on my computer so I didn’t need the internet and every day I would sit in the cold on a log and put my computer on a slightly bigger log and curl up in my warm coat for a day of Supernatural before heading inside to Pappou’s house at 4. Sometimes, I just waited until the afternoon when I knew my mom would be gone and I could go home where it was warm and I had wifi. Sometimes though I got wrapped up and I just stayed there.. all day. 

Supernatural is, what I would consider, one of the last great american TV shows. Like... It’s right there with Grey’s Anatomy as the last TV shows that have an actual following where people watch it and it’s a thing that haven’t been corrupted by the streaming world. Television is so important to me, it’s my favorite medium of storytelling and it’s been lost. Streaming destroyed it. People say we’re living in a “golden age” because there’s “so much good TV” but there’s NOT! What we have is high production quality on a lot of mini-series and long-format movies that have been randomly split up into “episodes” but don’t make sense if you space them out in any way. The episodic serial format of television has been LOST and that’s heartbreaking... 

But to me... this song... it’s about The Last Great American TV Show, The Last Great American Fandom, The Last Great American Dynasty over my life, my fandom, my relationship with tv, and my world view. 

The line “How did a middle class divorcee do it?” also just... First of all there’s something so distinctly American about it... We all know Supernatural is itself a sort of lover letter to Americana... it’s the aesthetic of Nowhere USA which is part of what makes it so effective and heartbreaking. The line in the song is about how Rebekah was just... boring, average, a little sad. Someone unremarkable you feel a little pity for. That’s the Nowhere USA of the aesthetic of the show... THAT’S the heartbeat of “Americana.” It’s boring, average, unremarkable, a little sad, you kinda pity it, it shouldn’t be that deep, but it is. It’s when the unremarkable accomplishes the remarkable. And that’s the whole myth they fed us as kids, isn’t it? I could never explain the beauty of this line inside or outside the context of Supernatural to someone who isn’t US American so I’ll just stop trying... but it’s just kljasfkd 

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that first stanza in the first verse... When I fell in love with Supernatural, I was boring unremarkable, a little sad... and the show was a wealth of possibilities... but also I was at a point where I was getting over the main fandom I’d had for the past year and a half (Buffy) and I had just fallen in love with Sherlock and I had nothing but time. I wasn’t bogged down with the anxiety of school, I got to devote my whole life and existence to this show. I was also a wealth of possibilities, and as we know the show was also boring, average, unremarkable, and a little sad. Both me and the show were Bill and both me and the show were Rebekah.

So when the wedding between me and the show was charming, if a little gauche it made sense cause there’s only so far new money goes. For me, this represents 2012-Mishapocalpyse: The Golden Age... Look... It’s no secret 2012 was my favorite year of all time... Tumblr was small and fun and hadn’t been corrupted by wanting or trying to be “cool” or “edgy” or “interesting.” I chose the mishapocalypse for the end of this era to me because that was the last time I felt like I could come on tumblr and really just LET GO into insanity. Almost instantly people were shit talking it as if it was not the single most fun 24 hours this website had ever had. In 2013, we saw the rise of YFIP and people trying so hard to “””prove””” they were “”””cool”””” unlike ~those~ tumblr people!!! It was pathetic. But in 2012, we just... had fun. And it was charming, if a little out there. But there really is only so far that the youthful innocence of an online community that’s new goes. 

But I picked out a home on tumblr. And our parties were tasteful if a little loud. Tumblr in 2012/2013 was..... Fun. From mapcrunch to the mishapocalpyse. Some would argue about taste, but I’d say... “if a little loud.” I really just can’t separate the fun I had on tumblr back then from spn and I can’t separate spn from the fun I had back then. 

But then of course, we all need to settle down some times because the fun doesn’t last forever. In this line, I hear myself in both Bill and Rebekah and I hear the show in both Bill and Rebekah. Both of our hearts gave out and the other way to blame. 

So then the chorus... “who knows if she never showed up what could have been?” I CHANGED because of the show, I don’t know who the hell I’d BE without it! And likewise, I don’t think *I* personally changed the actual show, but the show WAS changed by each one of us. The show itself is folklore, changed and shaped in each retelling. There’s a creative freedom to the chorus that lives in that love.

So then there’s the second verse. After the rose colored glasses came off, Rebekah gave up on the Rhode Island set forever and I gave up on the greater spn fandom forever. I dropped the hellers and joined the tight knit Dean stans. This verse is about living in spite. It’s that wild American rebellion mixed with a little bit of sensual romanticism. In season 9, it was us against the world. And the reality is we were angrier than this verse gives and less free and fun... but looking back, it felt like A Time. I don’t know how to put it into words really but it was like... We found ways (and continue to find ways) to celebrate Dean when we weren’t supposed to. Fuck everyone else Dean is perfect. 

And then in the second verse, we celebrate that rebellion. The change from “the maddest woman” to “the most shameless woman” in the chorus is so important here... In the first chorus, Rebekah and I were mad and crazy and wild. In the second chorus, we had no shame. We lived IN SPITE of the state of the world around us and fucked anyone who had anything to say about it. 

In the first chorus, “who knows if she never showed up what could have been” paired with “maddest” has this creative potential. Like who knows who I would have been without spn and who knows what the show would have been without us, the fandom. And in the second chorus, that line changes to this destructive force. Like the show and I were both shameless to just exist, you know? because we would have been better without each other... but even as it acknowledges that, it’s still... sweet.

So then we have the time I left the fandom. Here we only hear bits and pieces of Rebekah’s life and Rebekah’s time in Holiday House. She was only seen “on occasion.” And on occasion, you could find me reblogging some Dean stan posts, getting into spats with Sam stans, posting about how the writers suck, calling out a heller. But 7 years is a long time and my fandom sat quietly in the history of my blog... And then it was picked up by me. 

Rebekah, in the song, refers to my past. My previous relationship with the show. Taylor’s part refers to my current relationship with the show. 

Who knows if I never showed up what could have been? If I never came back, what would my life look like? It would have been healthier, I’m sure. But then again - I needed this. And if the show hadn’t came back who would I be? 

But there goes the loudest non-woman this fandom has ever seen. I will scream from the ROOFTOPS! and what I want to scream is EVERYTHING from the past but with my full grown adult context. I know now more than I knew then that I had a MARVELOUS TIME ~ruining everything~!!! And I get to CELEBRATE THAT! I get to let go and have fun. I get to sit and think of Nov 5 and how that night, I relived those parties that were tasteful if a little loud. And then every day since I relived flying in the Bitch Pack friends from the city. I get to CELBRATE!

I may not have been the fan the show wanted. I may have fucked shit up. I may have lived in spite of this show even when I lived because of it. But damn I had a marvelous FUCKING TIME Ruining. Everything. Everything this show built it wanted me to see and love and appreciate with these toxic fucking relationships and the destruction of Dean Winchester can KISS MY ASS cause I had a MARVELOUS time fucking that shit up. Everything this show wanted from me that I refused to give it. Every SPEC of growth and learning and fun and enjoyment I have had from this show.... was toxic. It ruined it. Because it was not the growth and learning and fun and enjoyment the show WANTED ME TO HAVE. But damn did I have fun. 

The show and I are the last great American dynasty full of rebellion and spite and damn is it fun. 

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Life | 2019

Or that annual New Year’s meme about yours truly.

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before? Had abdominal surgery! I spent most of April either doped up or unconscious. Long story short, I had an ovarian cyst that they thought was twice as big as my fist. So they fast-tracked me to surgery, and discovered that while I did have an ovarian cyst that was pretty large, most of the issue was that my bowel had fused to my uterine wall. Or was it abdominal wall? Either way, my bowel was glued to where it shouldn’t be and very angry because it had a fairly large pre-cancerous polyp in it. Which I found out a week after the abdominal surgery, when I had to have a colonoscopy. Which leads me to...

Had to do three different bowel preps in less than a month! It’s really not fun, guys. But, I got a cyst removed, a polyp removed, a metric fuckton of endo removed, and got my bowel back where it should be. Also, they confirmed that I can have babies! Which I didn’t know I was so fucked up about until I started crying about it post surgery.

Oh, also I peed in a bedpan. That’s also something I’ve never done before. And and and, been sick on Christmas! - Adding Tanya later in this post means I remembered something else I’d never done before - jumped into a pool fully dressed. Then became... no longer dressed.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Still don’t remember what my resolution was which- hey, 2020 Heather! Your 2019 resolution is to legitimately lose weight (she says while eating cotton candy ice cream out of the tub) and quit smoking again. Also, maybe be engaged. But mostly, the weight and the smoking thing. 

As for 2019 resolutions- I can guess what they were, which probably boiled down to losing weight. I put on about 20 pounds after surgery and haven’t lost it, because shocker, abdominal surgery really fucks with your core strength. Pretty sure there was something in there about reading 100 books (done), beating 4 games (done), and write something original (done? technically?) and/or novel-length (negative). 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? High school people and a few old coworkers. Nick’s cousin and his wife just had their third kid though. I think it may have actually happened on Christmas. 4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? No countries. Went to North Carolina for our possible last beach vacation. In January we’re going to Vegas for our friend’s wedding, which will be interesting. They’re getting married on a ferris wheel by an Elvis impersonator. May also go to Maine this year, but not sure yet because I only have a certain amount of vacation time. 

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019? Didn’t get a ring, yet. But we’ll see. We also didn’t get the house yet, so lets recycle those wants! Also, while we’re shooting big here, how about a better goddamn president?

7. What date from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Started my second big girl job on November 18th. Had surgery on April 12th. Not a whole lot else stands out. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Got a new job! With more money and more responsibility and will look really good on a resume! Didn’t kill myself? Which sounds pretty morbid, but I had a lot of pain in my life earlier in the year. 

9. What was your biggest failure? Not... losing... weight? Because I really need to do that. The heartburn bullshit will likely go away. The sleep apnea thing will likely go away. Your health in general will improve. And you don’t even like food that much anyway!  10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I think I’ve had the flu twice this year and again, abdominal surgery, so yes. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I got nice clothes? Most of the other shit has been knick-knacks. I got more books. A new bookshelf!  12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don’t know. Mine, I guess. I mean, 2019 wasn’t the worst, but it definitely has not been great.  13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I have a friend. Let’s call her Amanda. Yeah, her. She’s blown us off a lot this year, which really sucks. The rest of it is her own decisions that only affect us because it’s inevitably going to affect her in a terrible way, but the blowing us off and only using us as passes for free food and ways to do her laundry really sucks.

14. Where did most of your money go? Surgery! My OOP may have been met in April, but the surgery itself was $48,000. I’ve only had to pay about $6,000 because my OOP was 5k, but that still hurts. And my dental sucks, which means I paid out of my ass to fix my teeth. Also, I bought way too many clothes and books. 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I do still appreciate having a job with decent money. The new job will have insurance after my 90 day probation period (yeah, because you can’t have health care for 3 months even if you work in health care because you’re new). I’m glad that I caught the polyp before it became cancerous. I was happy I could have babies. I got excited about the new His Dark Materials series and The Witcher series and Kingdom Hearts 3 and God of War, and probably at least a couple other fandom things.

16. What song will always remind you of 2019? Face My Fears. Curse of the I-5 Corridor. Hadestown soundtrack. Transistor soundtrack. Wasteland, Baby! album. Billie Eilish in general. Lark of My Heart. But mostly, Face My Fears and Don’t Think Twice. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Sadder, probably? 2019 wasn’t great. ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter.  iii. richer or poorer? Technically probably on par with where I was last year? I didn’t save quite as much as I wanted to with the surgery happening. Also, my car needed some pricey repairs this year. 18. What do you wish you’d done more of? I do wish I’d written more this year, but I wrote a lot in October. Possibly more than the last two years combined, which was nice. And I read a lot. I kind of wish I slept more. Or ate better. Or worked out more. I’m just really tired this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spent less time with doctors? But I mean, taking care of myself is good and I’ve never had that option before.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it mostly sleeping. We got a bug that was either a really bad cold or a flu, so I’ve spent the last week generally shitty and sweaty and tired. First year that we haven’t been able to do Christmas basically at all. But we spent the hours between 6pm on Christmas Eve and 10am Christmas morning have the most restless goddamn sleep in the world and then opened presents and watched Love Actually and some television (the last two episodes of the Witcher!) while kind of napping on the couch, and ordered Chinese because it was hungry and the only thing open. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? Think I’m going to make the pirozki on Sunday, and then we’re doing a gift exchange with some of our friends at his mom’s house. 22. Did you fall in love in 2019? Eh. Still love him.  23. Best month for you this year? Clearly me having a good 2018 while everyone else had a shitty one guaranteed 2019 to be shit, because I honestly don’t fucking know. October was nice. So was August. But fuck most of the rest of it.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2019? Russian Doll, Glow, The Dragon Prince, Good Omens, Schitt’s Creek, The Terror, Chernobyl, Buzzfeed Unsolved, She-Ra, His Dark Materials, The Witcher... 2019 may have been a meh year, but it had some good shows. Of those, I think my favorite was probably either The Witcher or Good Omens, with His Dark Materials, Russian Doll, and The Terror tying for third. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Eh.

26. What was the best book you read? Red, White, & Royal Blue was probably my favorite. I also read Sanderson’s books this year though, which were also absolutely amazing. Mistborn and The Stormlight Archive were wonderful. It was a pretty great year for books too. Books and TV, well done 2019. Middlegame, The Ninth Gate, a lot of rereads. Best one was still Red, White, & Royal Blue though. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Do Utada Hikaru’s new Kingdom Hearts anthems count? Because Spanish Sahara by Foals, Obstacles by Syd Matters, the new Hozier album, and the Hadestown soundtrack were all wonderful musical discoveries. 28. What did you want and got? I don’t know. New clothes? A laptop? Confirmation that my ovaries work?

29. What did you want but didn’t get? Well, I lost the bet with Brandon. No ring by the end of 2019. No kids, either, but we aren’t quite there yet. No house. No perfect health? Is that a thing?

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I liked Into the Spiderverse a lot. Detective Pikachu. Rocketman.Frozen 2. Endgame was all right. I didn’t hate the new Star Wars. Toy Story 4. IT. It wasn’t a super great movie year for me.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? The big 3-0. It was all right. The night before we went to Fujiyamas with a couple of our friends, then on my birthday we had breakfast at First Watch, did some Christmas shopping, and went to the Zoo Lights a little after 5. Froze to death because it was snowing and shocker, when snow melts you get wet, but it was nice. Then had a late dinner at Mackenzie River, because it was one of the only places still open and close to our place.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hah! A better president and a ring is the only thing that I didn’t get from my wishes last year. ----Hmmmmm 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? I did not give up and buys Scrubs. Instead I have a perhaps slightly oversized work appropriate selection of jeans (for Fridays), work slacks, blouses/sweaters, dresses, and skirts. I spent a little too much on clothes this year. I blame discovering Torrid. 34. What kept you sane? Reading was really, really great this year. - STILL leaving this answer, three years running! 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? David Tenant made a shocking comeback after Good Omens aired. 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 20156789. —– Ayyyyy, this was my response from last year, and apparently also the year before and the one before! Hello past me’s, don’t worry, it’s still getting worse. 37. Who did you miss? Myself. Also, my brother, who is still in jail almost a year later and still no fucking trial. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I don’t know. Oh! I do know! I really like Tanya. 

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: Tanya is awesome and pretty and fun and possibly at least a little bit crazy, but we all fucking are, come on. She got to come with us on vacation this year and it really made it interesting. Also, Shay and Alicia. I knew them last year, but got to know them pretty well this year.

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

Took this one about 20 minutes after midnight on January 1st, 2019 after my first successful round of Battleshots. The hat went to the winner. It is not the most flattering picture, because I had been drinking already before I had to take four shots of Satan’s cinnamon liquor.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

Taken on my birthday, at the zoo. Again, snow melts.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Not sure? There’s not a whole lot of new food we haven’t tried. One of the pharmacists brought in some authentic Indian food for one of the potlucks we had and I don’t remember what it was called but it had rice and eggs and was amazing.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I don’t know. We saw both Hamilton and Les Mis this year and they both reduced me to tears. I also had some good moments with books and tv shows I watched with Nick.

44. What are you excited for next year? There’s a couple new books. The election. Some tv shows, I think? Games? I don’t know, man. I’m trying not to come off as horribly depressed but I am kind of pretty depressed and nobody will ever know because the only person who ever gets this far into reading these things is me, so- hello 2020 me, you were really sad on December 26th 2019 and honestly for most of the year, so I sure hope 2020 is the year that we fucking seize life by the horns or however that saying goes.

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019: I feel like my message from last year is fucking taunting me. Legit though, this is not the worst thing you’ve ever been through. You have a boyfriend who loves you, two wonderful cats that better not fucking die anytime soon, and like, I don’t know, working ovaries. A job. A car. An apartment that has a kind of shitty kitchen and a bath tub that might as well not exist, but is still an apartment! Which is more than some people have! 

I guess my message from last year (it gets better) is in almost direct opposition of this year, which is basically: it could always be worse. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer

(seriously, deliriously happy 2018 me quoting singin’ in the rain is taunting me wtf)

First Fandom of 2019: January of 2019 was pretty solidly Detroit Become Human. It hit me hard. Favorite Main Character of 2019: Jonathan Sims. I was a slut for the Archivist in 2019. Favorite Villain of 2019: Elias from The Magnus Archives, maybe? My only other response would be.. dun dun dun, Ben Solo aka Kylo Ron or whatever Favorite M/F Couple of 2019: I... am back on my Reylo bullshit. Favorite F/F Couple of 2019: Can I say Villanelle and Eve even if I didn’t really dip into the fandom? No? Okay, Catra and Adora. Favorite M/M Couple of 2019: Okay, so the three that got me this year was Hank/Connor, Jon/Martin, and Ryan/Shane.  Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: Um, Buzzfeed Unsolved. Never would have guessed that one. Also like, while I would have expected Detroit Become Human I never would have guessed my favorite ship. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Sigh. Twas that Reylo smacking me in the face at the tail end of 2019. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Insert shrug? I read a weird Buzzfeed Unsolved fic above Mothman giving the guys sharable dreams (that were sometimes weird and sometimes sexy) until they boned. Last Fandom of 2019: Sighing again. Reylo. Though Yuletide has made it so I’ve read a lot of Queen’s Thief stuff. Favorite Fandom of 2019: I think that Buzzfeed Unsolved was my favorite purely from a fic standpoint, but Detroit Become Human and The Magnus Archives were both really great too.

[worrywirt]

The music video for There There by Radiohead is a masterpiece and here is why

So, as many of you might know already, There There and Nude are my two favourite songs by my favourite band, Radiohead. They are two very unique songs that move me in different but equally intense ways. But what makes There There extra special to me is the video, which managed to combine basically all the things that I love: spooky forests, little animals in clothes, hollow trees with winding roots, references to fairy tales and literature and a dream-like, voyeuristic atmosphere. I am first going to analyse the song itself, then how combined with the video, it is one of my favourite pieces of media I have ever seen.

Lyrics here. As the song starts off, it already feels like the listener is dropped inside a weird, intense primal world. I love percussion-heavy music and when I first heard it, the use of tom-toms and alienating, hardly recognisable sounds already reminded me of one of my other favourite artist’s best-know song: Björk’s Human Behaviour. I can’t really explain it if you don’t hear it, but both have this hypnotic, primal quality that beckons you in right off the bat. Then Thom’s mournful voice sings: “In pitch dark/ I go walking in your landscape/ Broken branches/ Trip me as I speak”. Not to go all A-Level English on his ass because let’s be honest, Thom’s lyrics are often nonsensical and vague, but I love this verse so much. It goes perfectly with the instrumental, starting off in a way that is like the start of a story; the words painting you a picture that is both dreamlike and frightening. To me, it describes falling in love in a way: “I am walking in your world, and I don’t know the way, and it’s all new and confusing and dark and sometimes I say the wrong things but I am still exploring, and it’s beautiful”

After this start that frankly hits you in the chest like a basketball in year 9 PE, we are treated to a combo attack with the lines “Just 'cause you feel it/ Doesn't mean it's there”. In classic Radiohead fashion, all the perceived optimism from the first verse is denied from us, basically saying “just because you feel a connection, it doesn’t mean it’s real”. Trust issues central. But it can also be interpreted to mean emotions in general, which is usually how I (a very emotional person) interpret it: feelings technically aren’t real. And the way you perceive the world while you are Going Through It™ is not always correct. No, everyone doesn’t hate you because their world isn’t centred around you: stop obsessing. It’s okay. There, there. (This is also reinforced later on with “someone on your shoulder”, basically saying it’s just your brain playing tricks.) Additionally, some think it’s referring to a dream, which would fit thematically with the music video.

The next verse to me is about the temptation of a bad decision while Going Through It™. Yes, it would be very easy to do the wrong thing, to go off this path that is making it really hard to get up in the morning: but it would also ruin you. I also interpret “don’t reach out” as coming from the siren (i.e. surprise, surprise: depression) – it wants you to self-destruct, to be a “walking disaster” but that, however tempting, is the wrong thing to do. The use of “we” also works with the “someone on your shoulder” line, and to me (however cringy that sounds) it means that music will always be there for me and help me work things out. It can also be applied to the relationship angle: the couple are in the same boat (/ship), and if one of them does something self-destructive, it will affect both. Both of these options work with the “Why so green and lonely? (…) Heaven sent you to me” lines. It’s interesting because the religious interpretation on Genius always annoyed me – Radiohead are the least religious band ever! This is the only religious reference I can think of from the top of my head, minus “angel” in Creep – but because it’s so rare, maybe it has a reason to be here? Maybe it IS about God after all, but I don’t really think so. Also, to me the imagery of “green and lonely” and the nautical “siren” and “shipwreck” have a much bigger weight visually than “heaven”, so they negate the religiousness in my eyes. I think it’s about two broken people finding each other, but also finding it hard to figure out how to fit together. They’re thinking that it might be a lost cause and destruction is right around the corner, but the best they can do (is good enough) is try and be there for each other while they head towards their ultimate end. Very comforting in a twisted way, which is Radiohead’s specialty.

So, let’s talk about the VIDEO!!! I’m writing this after an HQ version was FINALLY released on their website, so I’m going to use screenshots of that because oh my god, it’s beautiful. 

We start off with the “pitch-dark landscape”, more-or-less just as I imagined it while listening to the song. Although it is kind of drab and boring at the start, this only emphasises the magical quality of what it becomes later, as our protagonist Thom (I’m going to call him by name but I’m obviously referring to the character, not the real person) heads deeper and deeper inside. Oh, how I love forests in the dark. Nothing else has the same perfect ambiance.

Thom is walking in a way that matches the rhythm and the dreamlike atmosphere of the song, i.e. somewhere between an alien who just learned the way the Earthlings walk and the exaggerated, slightly sped-up movements of a silent movie star. We already know he has an affinity towards both bowler hats (Lotus Flower video) and pantomime-like acting (ANIMA) so this is truly on brand. He then sees dark clouds pass at a breakneck pace (again, the dreaminess of it all... chef’s kiss), then confused and lost, heads back into the forest which this time looks a lot less boring and “real” then at the start. The dark clouds can be interpreted as a warning of things to come (“stay out, not safe”), which he ignores or just a sign that something is off and we’re not in Kansas anymore.

So as he turns back, we’re treated to my first Favourite Moment: Thom finding the beckoning yellow light and deciding to follow it. The way he is acting suggests both curiosity and sneakiness, like he suspects the thing emitting the light is much better than his original destination (if he had a destination at all). 

I love the way the light is illuminating his eyes here, it again reminds me very much of old movies (and Morticia Addams in the 90s movies, but probably because the filmmakers also took inspiration from the same well)

Oh my god, just look at this shot. Beautiful. Lothlórien who?? I only know magical glowy Radiohead forest. Because yes, we’ve obviously crossed the path between realms the minute Thom decided to pursue the yellow light (which can also be connected to the “siren singing you to shipwreck” in the lyrics). This is now the land of magic and fairy tales, and strange things are afoot. 

Again, I gotta stop analysing for a moment and just note that the amount of serotonin this gives me would fuel 10 people for a year. For anyone who doesn’t know me well enough, animals in little clothes living in little well-arranged dwellings inside a tree are in the top 5 things that make me happy, and combined with Thom Yorke Radiohead peeking in the window like an innocuous tourist… and the warm light illuminating the miniatures… perfection. Okay, moving on.

Thom is exploring this strange world of anthropomorphic animals like an awkward giant, without seemingly anyone noticing him. This adds to the alienation seeping from the music: this is a weird and wonderful place but you don’t belong here (sorry for the Creep reference, swear it was not intentional). He first saw a pair of squirrels, chilling in their house; then a big banquet; then a cat wedding (power of 3, the fairy-tale number). If we are going with the dream metaphor here, these might be alluding to things happening in real life, especially the wedding as he actively walks away from it, but this is just a speculation. Mostly it just shows that these animals are living in a happy little community and we love that for them! But it also make me feel like this is a coping mechanism for our protagonist here. Apparently Thom (the real one) got the idea for this video from a children’s TV show called Bagpuss: I had a look and it’s the tear-jerkingly comforting and nostalgic stop-motion series that everyone needs one of in their lives (I have several, both English and Hungarian). The subtitle “The Boney King of Nowhere” refers to a song in episode 2 about a king who wasn’t comfortable on his throne: according to this link, this resonated with Thom, who found himself on a pedestal he never wanted. (It’s kind of funny that a little kid’s song about a king’s bony ass has such a sick name though). He also wanted the original creator of the show (Oliver Postgate) to animate the video but he declined. Anyway, the "fifties East European genre animation, overlaboured and naïve” aesthetic, to me, symbolises comfort and warmth that our protagonist doesn’t feel at home in.

So off he goes, into the dark heart of the forest. Also, important to note the patch of fog that keeps showing him the way: is this the siren’s song physically manifested, pulling him away from the warmth of community? (”don’t reach out, don’t reach out”)

He then climbs up and sees a golden coat on a tree inside some kind of ancient ruin. This to me immediately brought to mind the Golden Fleece from Ancient Greek myth, which was the fleece of a magical ram that hung on an oak tree. It signified kingship, linking back to the subtitle. Thom sneaks to the tree, looks up at the ravens (7 of them: another fairy-tale number) and when he sees they are sleeping, tries on the coat. I found it interesting how at this point the coat looks quite ordinary, drab and brown – possibly a metaphor for a decision that you know is bad but you do it anyway; and by the time you realise it actually didn’t feel as good as you thought, it is too late - he listened to temptation (the sirens). He even takes the boots from inside the tree, which reminded me of SO many of the folktales that I grew up on: it’s not enough that the bad sibling did this one bad thing, they even did ANOTHER bad thing, which cements the listener in believing them to be irredeemable and worthy of the awful fate the tale has in store for them. The ravens (birds of death and in this case agents of justice) wake up – Thom has a little “oh shit” close-up and then start running for his life in his new attire.

Addition: another theory I found interesting among the comments is that this place is Limbo -  “

The gothic look of the ravens chasing Thom with the rising full moon is such a huge contrast to the warm, comforting glow of the stop-motion animal town, but it makes sense with the crescendo of the music and it’s dark and menacing cacophony: “we are accidents waiting to happen”. This was Thom’s mistake: and now there is no turning back. (Quick note: his running here reminds me once again of the Human Behaviour video – I am working on another similar essay that concentrates on how Radiohead and Björk are mirrors of each other so look out for that). 

He thinks he is saved for a moment by the magical seven-league boots (another folktale reference) but it is only a false hope. He gets his punishment and turns into a tree by what we can assume to be a painful and terrifying process (I love his facial expression so much). The ravens arrive and we realise that this is most likely how the previous tree met his or her fate. The cycle continues. He is now the Boney King of Nowhere.

One of my favourite mental images is people taken over by nature: not in a decomposing way but more like a Hanahaki disease way. Thom turning into a tree reminded me of a couple of things: one, my other favourite piece of entertainment Over the Garden Wall, which is very similar in tone to this video (if I ever meet Thom, I genuinely only want to ask him if he’s ever seen it and if yes what his thoughts are on it). SPOILERS for OTGW: the Beast turns lost children into trees and uses oil from the trees to keep his lantern alive, which is basically his life source – in this case the tree-person seems to be the living beating heart of the forest. The way the tree-curse is transmitted also reminded me of how the lantern was (nearly) passed down to Wirt. Basically, it is an inheritable burden. Two, and this isn’t my interpretation but I thought I’d mention it: Daphne & Apollo, wherein Daphne hides from Apollo’s sexual advances by turning into a tree. This doesn’t really fit the tone of the scene in my opinion, because Thom’s transformation is an involuntary punishment; but it kind of connects to the other reference to Greek myth, Odysseus and the sirens (both chasing after women, or the impossible dream). Three: Dante’s Inferno, in which the second ring of the seventh circle is the Wood of Suicides where “the souls of the people who attempted or committed suicide are transformed into gnarled, thorny trees and then fed upon by Harpies, hideous clawed birds with the faces of women; the trees are only permitted to speak when broken and bleeding”. Whomp whomp, it was a suicide metaphor :/ And it wasn’t a dream, it was Limbo - a thematic preoccupation of the band, so not impossible.

A comment I found relating to this: “After death you have to cross over. He got distracted by the nice and shiny shoes and jacket (don't reach out), hence the siren that leads you to shipwreck (Odysseus). When you want to enter the spiritual realm you have to be able to leave the material world behind or you shall not pass. He was distracted, got caught and changed into a worldly tree (he was still to attached to the material realm). The so-called reality we live now is the dream. (Just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean it's there). He remembered that he died and came back to this illusion. We are stuck in a lift....” I really like this interpretation of Thom’s downfall being too attached to materialism/ fame & fortune. I wonder what he meant by “came back to this illusion”? Also, who are the animals in this scenario: aspects of Thom’s life or other people, stuck in Limbo/ every-day oblivion?

This wouldn’t be the first or last time Radiohead explores the concept of death, so I don’t think it’s far-fetched. And it fits with the lyrics too, as I’ve discussed briefly above: this is what happens when you listen to the siren (the fog, the light) and stray away from the cute animal town, Thomas! I’m joking because it is kind of a bummer to end it on this, but I just love how dense and layered this video is. Most of their videos are top-notch but this one just hits a really sweet spot for me, so yeah! 2500 words! I’m glad you came along, pardner! Goodbye till next time!

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Michael After Midnight: Aladdin and the King of Thieves

Welcome to the first entry of Michael After Midnight’s Disnovember! That’s right, all month I’m going to be reviewing some of the hidden gems, cult classics, cheesy wonders, and actually pretty fucking bad movies from Disney I haven’t reviewed already. And I figured what better way to start this than with a truly underrated gem that blows the idea all the DTV sequels were trash out of the water: Aladdin and the King of Thieves.

First, let’s go with a brief overview of the Aladdin film series: The first movie is, without a doubt, a classic. It’s easily my favorite Disney Animated Canon film, and obviously most of the reason why is due to Robin Williams’ legendary performance as the big, lovable goofball that is Genie the, well, genie of the lamp. Of course, props also must be given to Iago; he’s probably the reason I’m able to tolerate Gilbert Gottfried’s voice more than most people seem to be able to. It’s such a fun, entertaining, and charming movie with gorgeous animation… take away that last bit, and lessen the first few things a fair bit, and you have an idea of the DTV sequel, The Return of Jafar. In it, the villainous sorcerer-turned-genie Jafar returns (duh) and tries to get revenge with the help of a bumbling thief named Abis Mal, played by the always enjoyable Jason Alexander. Despite the weaker animation and the fact this is blatantly a pilot film for the TV series, it’s a pretty enjoyable sequel, and the character arc for Iago is really well done. This also marks Dan Castellaneta’s first outing as the replacement for Robin Williams… meh. He’s okay and all, but no one can ever replace Williams. Overall, it’s enjoyable, and it even set up the TV show pretty well.

Now, the TV show! It’s a fun fantasy adventure series where Aladdin and his pals constantly cross paths with all manner of mystical mischief. It had a lot of great adventures in it, and a pretty impressive rogues gallery to boot, a lot of them with hilariously awful puns for names. You thought Abis Mal was corny? Well, prepare yourself for Haroud Hazi Bin, Ayam Aghoul, Nefir Hasenuf, and Amin Damoola! The best villains had really creative concepts to them, like exiled Greek mad scientist Mechanikles, sexy trickster cat goddess Mirage, and sorcerous lich Mozenrath. It’s a fun episodic show from the 90s; it was no Gargoyles or Darkwing Duck, but it was definitely one of the better shows based on a Disney movie, and for all its shortcomings, its colorful cast and variety made up for that.

Now, I tell you all this because this film is the true finale to the whole Aladdin series; it even has a nice capstone moment that brings everything right back around right at the end I’ll mention at the review’s end. It’s kinda good to know where this falls in terms of quality in regards to the entire Aladdin mythos, you know? So without further ado, here’s the story:

There’s a party here in Agrabah! And the reason for that party? Aladdin and Jasmine are FINALLY tying the knot after two movies and a TV series! Too bad the Forty Thieves are plotting to steal from the wedding; after Aladdin and the gang fight them off, they find out they have a magical treasure containing an oracle who will give the answer to any one question; Aladdin asks where his dad might be, and it turns out he’s with the Forty Thieves! Aladdin goes off to rescue his dad, and finds out his dad isn’t just stuck in with the Forty Thieves; he’s the motherfucking king! Guess Aladdin really was a prince this whole time, eh? Really wasted that wish in the first movie, Al. Anyway, can Al reconnect with his dad and all that sappy shit, or is his dad just gonna use Al to get dirty stinkin’ rich?

This has all the stuff a grand finale should have: it has a plot focusing on our main character and his issues (something The Return of Jafar lacked), much better quality animation, and even a strong antagonist in Sa’luk. Let’s look at the plot first. There are moments here and there where it’s a bit shaky, but overall I found it executed quite well. It’s a young man reconnecting with his father, a father who is in fact a wanted criminal, and there is the expected conflict. Aladdin isn’t super trusting, Cassim is kinda shifty, and the two butt heads a lot throughout the film, though obviously in the end it becomes truly clear that they care for each other. It’s a pretty sweet thing, and a bit more complex than what you’d expect from a DTV sequel.

Sa’luk is a big plus for being just an absolutely brutal villain. He’s as dark as Jafar got, and he doesn’t even need magic! All he needs is his trusty Wolverine claw knuckle duster. This guy is so hardcore that not even gravity could kill him, and it has killed many villains in the main canon, from Gaston to MacLeach, so you already can tell this man ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. He also kills a goddamn shark onscreen and then proceeds to make the film dark as hell. But Death in the Disney universe is fickle and much like Death in Final Destination; if you think you can cheat it while being a villain, whoo boy do you have another thing coming. For surviving a fall from a great height, Sa’luk is rewarded with one of the most absolutely nightmarish deaths in any Disney film, one so disturbing I shan’t spoil it here; just go watch the movie and see for yourself.

Another note is that the man himself, Robin fucking Williams, is back! He voices Genie again for the finale, and he really is perfect for the role… though sadly, his humor is a lot more hit-or-miss than it ever has been before. While he still has a hell of a lot of zingers – that Thor joke he has in particular is so absolutely corny that I can’t help but love it – he does fall a bit too much into pop cultural references, including towards his own movies (in one scene, he turns into Mrs. Doubtfire to console Jasmine). Obviously he doesn’t ruin the film, and as far as weak Williams comedy goes this is still leagues better than a lot of the best material of some comedians today (COUGHAmy SchumerCOUGH) but I can’t deny it’s lacking a bit of the Genie charm from the first film.

A final bit of info: there’s a lot of intriguing “what could have been” situations for the film. The most notable is that Mozenrath was originally slated to be the main villain of the film, with fans speculating that perhaps he would be revealed as Aladdin’s brother (I can’t stress enough that was all fan speculation, there is no reliable source Mozenrath being Aladdin’s brother was the plan). They decided not to do this to a desire to diverge from the TV series and due to Mozenrath’s voice actor being hard to get ahold of, and I think this decision was a pretty good one; as great as the series is, I think this was a much better way to bring the story of Aladdin full circle. The other interesting tidbit is that Cassim was almost voiced by none other than James Bond himself, Sean Connery, but he had other commitments and sadly could not do it. However, his replacement John Rhys-Davies (AKA Gimli) did a great job, and even sounds a bit like he’s doing a Connery impression. And there’s one more bit of info, the best for last, but let me sum things up first…

This film is pretty good. It’s not as amazing as the first film is, nothing really could be, but as the grand finale of all things Aladdin, this was a pretty fun and enjoyable way to go out. I’d say give it a watch; hell, since it distances itself from the series you can reasonably watch it right after the first film and not have to worry about anything but missing a few background cameos! For a DTV sequel, it’s a fun ride, with a lot of good qualities to it, and by DTV qualities  this is basically the DTV equivalent of Fantasia with how good it is. Don’t go in expecting a masterpiece on the same level as the first film, but expect an enjoyable fantasy adventure with some solid family conflict.

Now, you ready for the last bit of info? The Peddler from the original film appears at the end of this film, singing a variant of “Arabian Nights” to book end the series. This was originally planned for the first film, back when he was going to be the narrator and pop up from time to time, the first film ending with his reprise of “Arabian Nights” as he packed up his camel and rode off into the desert. But that wasn’t used, and after all these adventures he finally gets to do it, the implication being that he spent the entire prologue sequence of the first movie rambling on about all the adventures of Aladdin to whoever was there to buy from him, and in the final scene of this movie his stories and the Arabian nights finally come to an end.

Also, the peddler was the Genie the whole time, as confirmed by the directors in 2015. Figured I’d throw that in there as one last tidbit. Didn’t really book end the review well, but we can’t all be genies disguised as peddlers narrating an entire series worth of adventures, can we?

[nilesarchives]

The Right Stuff ― CANON. (current verse)

The space they agreed upon can only last about a week because Nick promised to come to Miles’ mother’s wedding. They sneak off to break into Miles’ awful new stepdad Greg’s car and mess with his radio stations, as well as smoke the weed Nick brought. As with most other times, one thing leads to another, and they hook up in Greg’s car.

This is missing like the entire first half because it disappeared into the Chatzy void but basically they were just at the reception and Miles swiped Greg’s keys from his discarded jacket pocket. Also NSFW-ish.

Nick tried to suppress a laugh at the dig about Helen, just in case Miles wasn’t joking. “Speaking of Helen — how are her and your Dad?” He looked over at him curiously. “Are they here?” He didn’t want to stir up drama; he was just mildly curious and tended to get caught up in small talk. “We are pretty expensive.” He agreed, nodding quickly. “Adding you to the mix will just make her go bankrupt.” He teased before smiling to himself. “Guess there is…. Operation Steal Gregs Car is officially in progress now.” As they continued to walk on, he glanced at Miles in interest. “What were the themes? Was it good?” He asked, before speaking again, not giving Miles time to respond. “We’ll have to find it so we can watch it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Scout but I just don’t think she appreciates your love of Cupcake Wars like I do.” He said, seriously. “Shit man — maybe. Only I hope I don’t drive as bad as I do in GTA. Or else this might be our first and last car ride together.” He paused, grabbing the keys. “Anyway, buckle up!” He grinned as he unlocked the car and slid his way into the drivers seat. “Your wish is my command.” He looked around the car as he brainstormed ideas before brightening up a little and putting the key in the ignition to turn the radio on. “He’s never gonna know what hit him.” He busied himself with pressing random buttons on the control panel as he spoke. “Tell me what music he hates so I can reprogram his set channels.” It sounded cooler in his head, but if it were him, that would drive him crazy. “But that’s just the beginning… reach into my jacket pocket. I have a surprise for us.”

Miles shook his head. “Nah, they’re not here. They’re good, though, I guess. I dunno. I haven’t talked to Dad in a little while.” Miles sort of wished all this had happened when he was younger so he didn’t have to deal with all the angst of it now. But it is what it is. “So then we agree it is most certainly not worth it for me to marry your mom. Glad we had this talk.” He’d certainly missed these strange conversations with Nick. No one else ever made it seem so natural. “It was for, like, a wedding. It was pretty good. Not the best episode but I think we made a silent vow to watch every single one together. You’re right, though. Scout just doesn’t get it.” Miles laughed at that, settling into the passenger seat. This truly was wild. He’d never even been in Greg’s car before, and he didn’t think he ever would. But here he was. “He hates pretty much anything that’s not country so that should be easy.” He started to do just that, changing the preset stations on Greg’s car radio when Nick mentioned something in his pocket. He looked up at him curiously. Usually he’d be more wary about something like this, but he was pretty sure Nick didn’t have anything that would kill him. Curiosity got the best of him, anyway, and before he could ask he did as he was told, invading Nick’s personal space to dig through his pocket. He didn’t know what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t weed. Miles wished he could have seen the look on his own face right then. “Dude,” was all he managed at first, and then he laughed. “You should have mentioned this an hour ago!”

Nick nodded at the newfound information. “Ah, man. Well hopefully you get to talk to him soon. Hope he’s doing okay.” Nick didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject, if it was one. Bringing up Miles’ birth father while he was being cursed with a stepfather he couldn’t stand probably wasn’t the greatest conversation starter. “You’re officially ruled out as far as my future potential stepdads go. Congratulations. Crossing your name off the list ASAP.” Joking with Miles always came easy, despite the awkwardness recent events had caused between them. They always seemed to snap back eventually. “The worst episode of cupcake wars is still better than the best episode of anything else.” That probably didn’t even make sense, and held no real truth. Still, though, he didn’t expect anyone to read too deeply into the things he said sometimes. “So hard rap and top pop hits.” He stated and grinned at the radio console as he punched buttons. “I got you.” He shifted to allow Miles room to sift through his pocket, still messing with the radio stations all the awhile. Truthfully, he could have just handed Miles the weed, but that would have ruined the surprise. Finally satisfied with his work, Nick hit one of the now re-programmed station buttons and leaned back in the drivers seat. “I considered it, but I figured if I mentioned it in front of your family they’d try to take it for themselves.” He joked, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a lighter. “—You ever smoked before?”

Miles shrugged. “He’s fine. It’s not like that. We’re both just busy and not at the top of each other’s priority list.” It was true. He wasn’t hurt by it or anything. “Good to know. I removed your name from my potential stepdad list long ago. Now you’ve kind of lost your chance anyway, though.” Nick just wasn’t fast enough. “That is so true. I don’t know why we started watching that show but I’m really glad we did. It’s a blessing. I think it brings us closer together.” Really, he couldn’t pinpoint when or why it had happened, but somehow they’d developed a mutual obsession with Cupcake Wars, and Miles wouldn’t have it any other way. “Perfect. I doubt he even knows how to change it back.” Miles smiled smugly as he watched Nick change the stations. He finally settled on a station playing current hits that Miles thought he was too good for (but wasn’t), and he examined the weed in his hands while Nick spoke. “No doubt in my mind about that. So good call.” He glanced over at him at the question, raising an eyebrow. “I think you know the answer to that.” But he’d answer it anyway. “I haven’t. I’ve watched it happen enough in my life, though.” It wasn’t that he was against it or anything. It just never appealed to him as something to seek out, and it wasn’t often available to him. Right now, though, he didn’t see any reason not to. “I’m afraid I’m gonna cough up a lung, though. Maybe I’ll puke on the floor. Greg would love that.”

Nick made a noise of understanding and nodded. “Pretty easy to get caught up in your own life.” He commented, and he was just about to make a jab at him and say he knew Miles was good at doing that. But this was not the time nor place — and what slight (unjustified) bitterness Nick still felt toward him he was trying to push aside and work passed. “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m your Moms type to begin with. As much as it hurts me to admit.” He joked, remembering back to all the times he joked about trying to date her years ago. He thought he was so funny when he was in High School. And he still did, but he was still low key embarrassed of his teenage self. Not that he was all that different now, but… still. “It’s because we both automatically knew it was gonna be good. It’s our show, dude. Watching it alone is ever the same as watching it with you.” He spoke, earnestly, because it was the truth. “Probably not. Hey, maybe he’ll develop a decent taste in music. So really we could be doing him a favor here.” He grinned as he turned his head to look at his friend. “I had a feeling you’d say that.” He admitted. Miles never was one to to really partake in such things, which he never minded. He figured he’d offer tonight though. After everything, Nick thought he might need it. “I guarantee you won’t cough up a lung. Your tonsils, maybe. Maybe some blood. But no lungs. You get to keep those.” He laughed again and reached out to take the already rolled joint from him. “It’s going to be harsh, so you’re going to cough a lot. So if it’s too much for you, let me know.” He instructed carefully. “I’m going to light it — and all you have to do is suck and hold it in for a second.” He paused .“But first let’s roll up all the windows… we don’t want anything getting out.”

Miles nodded. “Right. Not a big deal or anything. I stopped being pissed at him a while ago.” Being angry about it wasn’t going to do Miles any good, anyway. “Yeah, I’d have to agree with you there. She tends not to go for super skinny dudes who are, you know, friends with her son.” Miles couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was honestly ridiculous to even entertain the idea of Nick and his mother ever becoming a thing, but somehow it always came up. “You’re right. It’s good shit. It’s actually not that great a show on its own. Our commentary is the only thing that makes it bearable sometimes,” he admitted, because it was true. It really wasn’t all they made it out to be. The show itself was mediocre at best most times. But they got super into it, and honestly, it did often get pretty intense. Miles rolled his eyes. “Yeah, right.” He couldn’t see that happening. Miles sighed, shaking his head at Nick’s words. “Oh God. I’m not, like, actually gonna cough up blood or anything, am I?” he asked as he eyed the joint now back in Nick’s hand. He honestly couldn’t tell if he’d been joking or not. He nodded at that, using the ancient hand crank to manually roll up the windows, because of course Greg didn’t have automatic windows. “I’m a little nervous, man.”

Nick nodded at the comment, deciding not to press it any further. He laughed at Miles’ comment about his mom, and shook his head in faux disappointment. “I’m heartbroken. I’d say she’s missing out, but that’d be a lie. We all know it’s the other way around.” He joked. Miles should know by now he wasn’t serious about it. Especially after all that had happened lately. Rolling his eyes good naturedly as he rolled up the window on the drivers side. A grin crossed his lips at the question. “No, dumbass. The weed doesn’t contain glass particles.” He said teasingly before softening up some. “Hey, it’ll be okay. It’s everyone’s first time sometime. And I’ll be right here if you don’t like it or it’s too much.” He reminded him before lifting the lighter to spark the end of the joint. “Do you want the first hit, or would you rather me show you first?”

Miles rolled his eyes. “Yes, Nick, we all know that.” His mom totally was a catch. He wasn’t wrong there. Miles put his hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt by the insult. “Ouch. No need for name-calling here.” He knew Nick was only kidding, of course, and that was only confirmed when he lightened up and actually started to ease Miles’ fears about the whole thing. It really wasn’t a big deal, but honestly…he was just a weenie. “Okay. Don’t get mad if I cough on you or something.” He watched with wide eyes as Nick lit the joint. He licked his lips as he watched, then reached out to take it from him. “I’ll try.” He was feeling adventurous, clearly. It felt foreign in his hand, and he eyed it for a few moments before bringing it up to place it between his lips. He tried not too think too hard as he inhaled. Immediately, as Nick had warned him, it overwhelmed him. He started coughing almost instantly. As he tried to catch his breath, letting out a few more coughs to clear his throat, he thrust the joint back toward Nick. “How the fuck is this supposed to be enjoyable?” he asked, his voice rough from the strain of all the coughing.

Nick snorted at the response. They’d always joked around like this, and he could admit to himself that he missed it. He missed hanging out with him. “Eh, you’ll get over it.” He shrugged. “You cough on me, I’ll sneeze on you so it’s fair, alright?” He handed over the joint to him silently, quirking an eyebrow as Miles said he’d go first. Maybe he should have instructed him or something, but before he knew it his friend was inhaling the smoke. As he started to choke, he darted a hand out to clap down on his shoulder, slightly concerned even if he knew he’d be okay. “Give it a minute.” He coaxed as he took the joint back and brought it to his lips with his free hand, holding it in his lungs for a brief moment before letting it exhale. “You’re gonna feel it, trust me. You’ll barely even notice the sore throat.”

Miles figured that was fair enough. He hardly even noticed Nick take a hit because he did so quickly and without a sound other than his inhaling and exhaling. Miles wondered how long it took to get to that point, but he wasn’t going to ask. Plus, if he spoke again, he’d probably start coughing. He wasn’t really feeling any different, but he wasn’t sure how long it was supposed to take. “What’s it supposed to feel like?” he asked. He barely even noticed Nick’s hand still on his shoulder. “Should I try it again or give it a minute?’ He was honestly completely clueless here. He thought he’d know by watching other people, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

Nick knew Miles was new at this, but he couldn’t help but grin slightly at the reaction. What a proud moment. His best friend was smoking weird for the first time. Nick wasn’t sure if he should feel bad for corrupting him or be glad that he tried it with him first. So he settled on just being mildly amused. "Don’t try it again. I don’t wanna overwhelm you. Give it time to settle.” He instructed as he angled his body to face him a little better. “It’s supposed to feel like… I don’t know. Like you’re completely relaxed. And your head feels fuzzy, but you still feel good.” It was the sort of thing that he’d just have to experience himself. “Are you okay?”

Miles nodded. That made enough sense to him. “Okay.” He’d thought it was going to be an instantaneous thing, but it seemed to be a little more gradual. He figured he was starting to feel a little bit different after a few moments, especially as Nick explained what it was supposed to be like. He was pretty sure he was feeling a little more relaxed. But that could have all just been in his head. “Yeah, I’m okay. I…think I feel different.” He sighed. Though he couldn’t see the excitement in the whole thing, he was at least glad he had Nick with him. “Thanks for this. I guess it’ll be kinda cool to at least say I tried it.”

Nick laughed slightly in response. “Hey, even if it’s not your thing, now you know.” He had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t Miles’ thing, judging from the look on his face. “You’re welcome. Plus, if Greg knew we were doing this, it’d piss him off so bad. So that makes it all worth it, right?” He let the joint dangle from his other hand, his right still resting on Miles’ shoulder absentmindedly. His words died off and it fell silent for a moment before he spoke again, voice quieter than before. “Are you really okay? About the wedding?”

Miles shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” He didn’t think he’d be doing this again. At least, he wouldn’t go seeking it out. Maybe if Nick brought it up again in the future. He tended to make stupid decisions with Nick. “That’s true. And that’s the beauty of all of this, right?” he asked, gesturing around him to the car they were still sitting in. Greg would probably somehow find out. At that, Miles turned to look at him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk about this. Not now. He shook his head, turning away. “I’m fine, Nick. Please, just–don’t make this something it doesn’t need to be.” He appreciated the concern, though. Nick was the only person who ever really gave a shit what he was thinking. He just didn’t have the energy right now to get into it. He turned back to meet Nick’s eyes again. “Are you okay?”

Nick nodded in agreement. “Right. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m always up for some harmless revenge.” He smiled at Miles briefly before the conversation melded into something more serious. “I’m sorry —” He cut himself off, going quiet as he contemplated what to say. He didn’t want to make him talk about something he wasn’t comfortable with. “I’m not trying to. I just… you know you can talk to me, right?” He looked up to meet Miles’ eyes. “You can talk to me.” He repeated, not knowing what else to say without pushing too hard. But then Miles was turning it back on him, and it startled him. “I’m fine.” He said automatically, not quite sure if that was true or not, but this conversation wasn’t about him. “I wouldn’t be here with you if I weren’t fine.”

Miles sighed. Here they went again, getting way too real without actually meaning to. “Don’t apologize.” Nick kept on reiterating that he could talk to him, but Miles wasn’t sure if that was true. Talking about things led to bad choices with them, mostly because neither of them really knew how to handle their feelings – whatever those feelings were. “I know,” Miles replied anyway. The way Nick spoke to him made Miles doubt that, somehow. He thought that maybe being with him was hurting rather than helping. It was for Miles, at least; he was still feeling confused, despite being happy to be reunited with his best friend. “You sure about that?” he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow at him. “I think we’d be somewhere else entirely if you were fine.” Probably inside right now, dancing together, or something people who could be honest with themselves did. But they were here instead, playing games. They were good at that.

Nick knew he should stop talking. He knew saying too much or letting get the topic get too serious was a bad idea. But he couldn’t seem to help himself; he wanted Miles to know he still cared. At the remark, Nick let the hand resting on Miles’ shoulder fall off. “You know that’s not fair.” His voice was quiet, and he tried not to show that it actually stung. Because he knew he was right. His chest feeling heavy, he exhaled slowly before saying something he probably really shouldn’t. “I’m here because I missed you.”

Miles knew he probably shouldn’t have said it. But so far, dancing around certain subjects had gotten them absolutely nowhere. Even if he didn’t say it out loud, Miles would still be thinking it, so he figured he’d rather just come right out and say it in the name of being honest with him. “I’m not…saying you should come out or anything like that. That’s not what I meant,” he clarified. “But you’re not fine.” He was taken back by that. No matter how many times he heard it, it still hit him just as hard. He’d missed him too, so much, after only a week, and that meant something to him. “Does it even make a difference if I say I missed you too?”

Nick felt his chest constrict and his shoulders tense as Miles spoke. Guilt, regret, and panic seemed to settle in all at once. “Well, what do you want me to say?” He remarked, unable to hold himself back. “No, Miles, I’m not fine. I’m actually pretty shitty?” He stubbed the joint out on the surface next to the cup holder, letting it fall there after it was no longer lit. He’d clean it up later, maybe. “Would that make you feel better? Would that help anything?” He shouldn’t feel this bad. He shouldn’t have missed him this much. And he most definitely should not be talking as freely as he was now. “You know I’m not fine.” He swallowed, trying to keep at least some of the emotion at bay. “But you also know that I care.” He shook his head to himself. “It always makes a difference.” Even if it shouldn’t.

Miles looked down at his lap, because he didn’t know where else to look while he gathered his thoughts. He wasn’t meaning to put Nick on the spot like this, but Miles of all people wasn’t going to judge him for who he was, and they’d be stupid to pretend that nothing was still going on here. “I want you to be able to be honest with yourself even if you can’t with everyone else. It’s me, Nick. Things aren’t just going to go back to normal between us like magic and you know it.” He’d say it was the weed making him suddenly want to bring all of this back into the light, but really the urge to had never gone away. Nick was right; Miles knew that he cared. And Nick knew that he cared just as much. Miles adjusted himself in his seat to face Nick completely. He lowered his eyes to look at Nick’s lips briefly before blinking back up to his eyes. “What are you thinking right now?”

Nick wished that he could be completely honest, just like he wished he could kiss him when he wanted and not care who saw or what anybody thought. He wished he could want him without feeling guilty, when he should be wishing that they could go back to being just normal friends. Nick hadn’t wanted things to get out of control, but they already were. “I know that.” His throat felt thick and that’s all he could think to say. “But talking only makes us worse. I don’t want us to get worse.” He didn’t miss how Miles’ eyes dropped down to his lips. He found himself doing the same, his words (not for the first time) contradicting his actions. “Something I really shouldn’t.” He said, a bitter sort of laugh escaping him as he shook his head. Internally debating with himself, his desires quickly won over rational thought. Talking made things worse, but this would make things even more complicated than they already were. But it was hard when he was so close, when Nick knew he wanted him too. It was too hard. So despite knowing this was a mistake, Nick reached out to clasp his hand over Miles’ shoulder once again. Only this time, it was to steady himself as he leaned forward to press his lips against his best friend’s.

Miles shook his head. “I don’t see how it can get any worse than lying about the way we feel.” His kept his voice low, as if this was all some big secret. It wasn’t, and it never was; they just forced it to be that way. At least now, Nick was being honest with him. Miles knew what he meant before he even took action. But as always, the hand on his shoulder and Nick’s face suddenly coming toward his own made his heart beat faster, even if he’d been expecting it to some extent. Without thinking twice about it, Miles’ own hand came up to the back of Nick’s neck, almost like he was afraid that he’d pull away if Miles didn’t keep him there. They were going to regret this because everything was going to go to shit again. No matter how many times they discussed how stupid it was, they’d always find a way to make it weird again. But for right now, Miles would just pretend that that wasn’t the inevitable outcome.

Nick wanted to agree with him, but he couldn’t help but feel like it could and would get worse. But right now, at that moment, he was willing to ignore the consequences. “Sometimes it’s easier to lie than it is to deal with the truth.” He didn’t mean to say that, but at least that was the truth. Words were quickly forgotten as their lips met and Miles’ hand was grasping onto the back of his neck. He leaned in closer, the hand sliding from Miles’ shoulder to the side of his neck. He didn’t want to let go. The seat was separating them, but he tried his best to bring Miles as close as he could, responding with more urgency now that the kiss was reciprocated.

Miles didn’t even want to think about what Nick had said. He was right, of course it was easier. But that didn’t mean they should. Similarly, it was much easier to forget what was going to happen after this was over than to think rationally about it. So that’s just what Miles did, casting those thoughts of what was to come aside, focusing solely on Nick and how good it felt to be close to him like this again. He wanted to climb over to his side already just to be closer, but the size of the car made that kind of impossible. He had to think on his feet because he didn’t want this to have to end so fast. He pulled away just enough to look at Nick’s face. “You’re not gonna run out on me because of work again, are you?” he teased, and then he smiled. Before Nick could even respond, Miles reached into his pocket to get his phone. “Gimme a second — you should get rid of the joint,” he said, a bit absentmindedly. He didn’t want anything to distract them this time, so he figured background music would help them drown out everything else. If everything was going to go to shit after this, they might as well make the absolute most of it.

Nick nearly let a noise of disappointment escape him as Miles’ pulled away, even though the kiss had to end sometime. He looked at him, almost confused, until he understood why he’d pulled away. It wasn’t to end it, thank god, because Nick didn’t want to have to stop until they had to. “No, if they call me I’m quitting.” He said, joking, but also just a smidgen serious. “Good idea. I don’t want to leave it for Greg to find. He might like the surprise.” He saw him take out his phone, and Nick wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but he wanted to find out. After dusting the ashes away with his sleeve and grabbing the joint, Nick stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. After collecting himself, he made sure the joint was outside before safely tucking it in his pants pocket. Turning back to the car, he noticed Miles was now in the backseat. Now is the time where he should back out and leave. But he was already in too deep. Opening the car door, he joined his best friend in the back, turning to face him as he did so. “The evidence is gone. We’re good.” He wanted to kiss him again already, but he didn’t want to be too eager. “So…what’s up?”

Miles scrolled through his phone, barely even noticing that his hands were shaking slightly. Whether it was from nervousness or excitement he didn’t know, but it was likely a combination of both. Nick had that effect on him. He finally found the playlist he was looking for, one that he and Nick had made together one day, composed entirely of songs they both loved and some that one insisted be on there anyway. He connected his phone to the aux cord and let the playlist start on shuffle. He tried not to think about the fact that a New Kids on the Block song was the first to play as he climbed into the backseat. There was much more room back there, and a lot less of a chance for something to go wrong (despite how wrong this all was already). He watched Nick join him in the back, and he refrained from rolling his eyes at Nick’s words. He didn’t respond at first, instead moving to remove his jacket. He decided in that very moment that tuxes had way too many layers. “Stop talking,” Miles told him before reaching for the collar of Nick’s shirt to bring their lips together again. He’d be damned if he was going to let him stall and return to their back and forth bullshit again.

Nick faintly registered the familiar song on in the background, and realized that’s what Miles had been doing while he was outside. It was hardly surprising, honestly. If he’d thought of it he would have turned some music on too. He supposed it was only appropriate that this was their playlist. And one of their mutual favorite songs. All of that was an afterthought as Miles began to remove his shirt before bringing him in for a kiss, though. Nick didn’t need to be told twice. Unable to help but smile against the others lips briefly, his hands made work of removing his own shirt and jacket. Nick deepened the kiss, leaning into him while he unbuttoned everything as quickly as he could. They were definitely going to make the most of their time.

Miles had been right, which sort of really pleased him; the music really was helping. It filled the space around them, making it much easier to get lost in each other without having to worry about anything outside of what was happening between the two of them in that very moment. Miles took it upon himself to finish Nick’s job for him, pushing his shirt off his shoulders and discarding it on the floor of the car. He’d never truly been able to appreciate Nick’s body because that was creepy as a friend and this weird more-than-friends thing didn’t often leave room for that, so he took a moment to break the kiss and take it all in. It really was no wonder Miles couldn’t help himself around him. He leaned back in the seat, trying to adjust the way they were to fit in the small space. It was hard, but definitely doable. He reached up with one hand to thread through Nick’s hair, pulling him back down to kiss him again. This was certainly faster than he’d expected, but if they stopped to think about it, it would just get worse.

Nick happily helped Miles in the removal of his own clothes, shrugging his shirt off to the floor of the car before busying himself with trying to remove Miles’ shirt. Fingers slightly fumbling in his haste (and somewhere in his mind he might just be a little nervous too), Nick didn’t move away from their kiss until he had too. He took a sharp intake of breath as he noticed Miles looking at him. And while Nick was used to people staring at his naked body almost daily, none of those people had ever been Miles. And while sometimes the staring made him uncomfortable, this time he didn’t. It only spurred him on further; quickly working to pull his friends shirt all the way off to join his own on the floor. It was a little dark, but he still took a moment to admire the others body. He slid his hands over his chest and down to his stomach — his eyes following along until something on Miles’ arm caught his eye. Raising an eyebrow in surprised, he halted all movement in order to zero in on the picture on his friends skin. “Miles. What the hell is that on your arm?” He couldn’t help the amusement from seeping into his tone, despite the situation.

Miles noticed the way Nick’s breath hitched at Miles’ gazing, and he thought maybe he’d made it weird. But then Nick was doing the same to him and Miles had a similar reaction. He realized it was just as new to Nick as it was to him. Nick’s hands running along his skin made Miles shiver. His eyes darted down to watch his movement. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Nick spoke, and Miles let it out as he raised his head to look at him again. Shit. He’d completely forgotten about that. Miles looked at his own arm where the offending tattoo was, and he frowned. “Oh yeah, that — that’s my tattoo,” he stated simply. He licked his lips, meeting Nick’s eyes again. “It’s, um, it’s Scout riding a skateboard.” He hadn’t expected to have to explain it in this exact situation, but here he was. “I was really drunk. I got it with your brother.” He sighed. “I’m not really in the mood to talk about what I did with your brother right now, though.” He emphasized his point by running his hands down along Nick’s back, pulling him close and pressing his own body up against him. He lowered his voice, getting as close to Nick’s ear as he could. “I don’t actually want to talk about anything at all.”

Nick cast his gaze completely on Miles’ arm tattoo as the other male explained himself. He couldn’t help the small grin that made its way onto his face. Subconsciously, he moved his hand up to rest his fingers on top of the tattoo, tracing it as he inspected it briefly. “Nice.” He let out a breathless sort of laugh as Miles pulled him closer to press against him. “Lets not talk about my brother at all right now.” He almost laughed, but instead he leaned down to trail kisses from Miles’ neck to collarbone. “Then don’t.” He murmured against the skin, nipping gently while his hands resumed making their way down his body. “

Miles resisted the urge to swat Nick’s hand away, because he already knew it was there, so he supposed he’d let him get all his curiosity about it out now so they wouldn’t have to talk about it again later. Hopefully he’d just forget about it. Nick’s skin felt hot against his own. Miles’ eyes closed of their own accord, overwhelmed by the overall situation: Nick’s lips and teeth grazing his skin, his hands burning Miles’ skin, and most of all, no promise of either of them stopping anytime soon. Miles didn’t know whether he should worry about that, but he wasn’t about to say anything. He wanted this; he wanted Nick. His hands found the sides of Nick’s face so that he could pull him back up to kiss him again. He knew they should stop, that they should get out of the car and pretend this never happened. But he couldn’t bring himself to.

Nick was undeniably amused by the tattoo, but in all truth he wasn’t about to say more about it at that moment. He wasn’t sure what he was doing; what they were doing. But he did know he wanted to continue. That he didn’t want to stop until they had to, or until Miles changed his mind. He leaned back in to reciprocate the kiss as his friend grabbed him by the face. His hands drifted up Miles’ chest for a moment to cup his face instinctively before he started to deepen the kiss. Deciding to try his luck, his hands drifted their way back down until they were resting on Miles’ belt, thumbs resting against his stomach, he waited until he had some go ahead to go further. As lost in the moment as he was, this was still Miles. He didn’t want to move too fast and have them awkwardly fight with each other.

Miles originally wasn’t sure where this was going to go, assuming that something would happen to stop them before things went too far like the past two times, but this time there were no distractions and he was feeling sort of dizzy because of it. This was real and all of the alarms in his head were going off, telling him this was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. It was Nick, and fuck if Miles had ever been able to just walk away from him. He broke the kiss, his breath catching in his throats when he realized Nick’s hands had made their way all the way down to his belt. He glanced down, feeling his heart beginning to pound in his chest, because form here there was no turning back. But he could think of no immediate reason to say no, and everything inside of him compelled him to look back up at Nick and nod silently, his arms looping around his neck, sliding a hand up into his hair once again. He’d always liked Nick’s hair, if he were being honest, so naturally he’d take this opportunity to mess it up a little.

Nick knew this was a mistake. He knew this was wrong and that he should just stop before they completely went too far. But being this close to him, with no distractions and after weeks of on and off again fighting, was addicting. At least right now he could admit to himself how much he wanted him. Right now he wasn’t thinking about the rest of the world, or the consequences. Right now, he just wanted to pretend like he was normal and that he could do this; that he could be what Miles wanted. Feeling his heart stutter in his chest at Miles’ signal to continue, Nick paused for a moment to lean down for another kiss while his hands slowly undid his belt and slid off and onto the floor. He let out a soft grunt of approval as Miles’ hands found his hair. He’d always liked his hair being messed with. The fact that it was Miles’ who was doing it was strange simply because it was new. But he wasn’t complaining about it. Cautiously, one of Nick’s hands brushed over the front of his pants, testing the waters before his hand found his zipper.

Miles expected there to be some level of hesitance within himself, even reluctance, but he found that nothing else seemed to matter now. Nothing but how Nick felt on top of him, how good it felt to be close to him in this way. He could feel all sense of self control slipping away with each passing moment. He was desperate to be closer, holding Nick’s head in place to deepen the kiss, and he let a low groan escape despite Nick’s cautious movements. He raised his hips eagerly, finding it much harder to hold back now. He pulled away from the kiss to let out a shaky breath. “Nick.” It sounded more like a sigh, but it reminded him that this truly was Nick here on top of him, kissing him and touching him in the back of his own new stepdad’s car. It was insane. He still couldn’t really believe it. Miles’ lips found Nick’s neck instead, his kisses sloppy and not very well placed, but he resolved to blame it on the drinks he’d had and the fact that he’d never wanted someone so much in his entire life. He supposed Nick wouldn’t mind.

Nick was quickly losing himself in every kiss and every touch. His heart was racing, and if he weren’t so immersed in what was currently happening he’d feel pathetic. He was used to feeling a lot of different ways during sex. Some bad and some good. But it was never quite like this. And they hadn’t even really done much of anything. Not yet. Hearing Miles say his name encouraged him enough to begin to tug the other’s slacks down his legs carefully. Eyes running over his body, Nick’s right hand found itself splayed across his friends stomach, fingertips slowly inching downwards, toying with the waist band of his underwear before beginning to bravely slide his hand under the fabric. The sloppy kisses against his neck only made him want this more, and he hummed under his breath at the sensation before angling his head for another kiss.

Miles could feel Nick’s heart beating at a similar pace as his own. It was a comfort to know that Nick was probably thinking a lot of the same things right now, though Miles would kill to know exactly what was going through his mind. If it was similar to Miles’ own nervousness and excitement and slight fear all rolled into one, though, he knew that he wanted to help him somehow, and the only way he could think to do that was by slowly brushing one of his hands all the way up Nick’s arm and ending up in his shoulder, leaving it there, mirroring how Nick had been a comfort to him just a short time ago — only then they hadn’t been half naked and going at it, but still. Miles paused when his clothes continued to come off, and let his head fall back the moment he felt Nick’s hand on him, finally. "Fuck, Nick,” he blurted without thinking about it. It was weird to him, how it could be so strange but so right at the same time, because he trusted Nick with everything he had, and yet he was still nervous, unlike how he’d been with Lily or anyone else he’d ever encountered. Nick was different in every sense of the word. Miles groaned approvingly before raising his head to meet Nick’s lips once again. Still unable to contain his downright desperation, Miles pushed his hips up once again into his hand. One hand remained firmly clasped on Nick’s shoulder while the other came to rest on his waist. He hooked his finger through a belt loop on Nick’s pants and tugged on them a bit. He wasn’t about to be the only one falling apart at the seams here.

Nick tried to relax as Miles’ hand ran up to his shoulder. This was only Miles, he tried to tell himself. But therein lied the problem. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t be nervous. But if it were anyone else, he wouldn’t want this as bad. The way his friend said his name definitely spurred him on, though, and he couldn’t help but eagerly press their lips together again. Nick’s fingers wrapped around Miles’ loosely at first, a million things racing through his head. He was touching his best friends dick, and he was sure there was about a thousand things wrong with that concept, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He let out a small groan in return when he felt Miles’ tug on his belt. And with his free hand, he reached down to assist him, trying to take off his own belt the best he could.

Miles didn’t know if he should be more calm about the fact that this was someone he knew so well. It was a lot more nerve wracking instead, which was strange in a way. But he didn’t really want to spend too much time thinking about it. He tried to focus on removing Nick’s belt like he wanted to, but there were a hundred things going through his mind at once. He rocked his hips up steadily while attempting not to break the kiss. He finally removed his hand from Nick’s shoulder so both could focus on the belt and throwing it to the floor with the rest of their discarded clothes. This was so wrong on so many levels, he kept thinking to himself, but that didn’t stop him from pulling away from the kiss to look down and unbutton and unzip Nick’s pants with fumbling hands, moving faster than his brain could keep up. He shoved them down as far as he could from his position, desperation taking over completely. He tugged on Nick’s arm so that he could make space to pull Nick’s body flush against his again instead. Wanting to keep his hands busy, he had one on the small of Nick’s back, pulling him closer as he rocked up into him again, his other hand grabbing the first thing he could find: Nick’s hand. He found himself entwining their fingers without thinking twice about it, raising their hands up above his head to rest on the seat under him. It just felt like something he should do, so he did it, because clearly there was no time for rational thinking here.

Nick felt like everything was happening too fast and too slow at the same time. He could feel Miles’ hands all over his body; leaving his skin feeling hot. The second the other man helped him push down his jeans and pressed closer to him, he was gone. His fingers curled around Miles’ own without a second thought, leaving their hands clasped on the seat below them. With his other hand, he slid it out from under Miles’ underwear only to try to push them down. Chest heaving slightly, he leaned back to look at his friend for just a moment, before completely making up his mind and leaning back down to trail kisses downward. There was no going back now.

Miles felt…different when it was over. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but it wasn’t particularly good, either. He just felt weird. Off. He took a few moments to catch his breath before it really hit him what had just happened, that he’d slept with his best friend in the back of a car — his stepdad’s car, at that. He didn’t know what to make of it. Before he knew it, he and Nick had silently moved away from each other and were working on sorting through their previously removed clothes. Miles was already trying to block it out, all the things he had said. He couldn’t tell if his face was just flushed because of the physical exertion or the fact that he’d said “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about this” in Nick’s ear at some point. He shuddered at the thought, suddenly moving way quicker to shove his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and fix all the buttons. He glanced over at Nick, who suddenly felt miles apart from him, and swallowed, his dry throat stinging as he did. “I-I don’t…” He wanted to say something, anything, to break the tension, but he didn’t know where to start. “We should get back inside,” he finally blurted without even thinking about it. He immediately felt stupid for saying it, though, because going back in together looking like this would surely raise questions. And besides, Miles couldn’t even look him in the eye.

Nick knew it hadn’t been a mistake to go through with it. He knew it wasn’t a mistake that he’d wanted him. But when it was over, it sure felt like one. The whole thing felt good; better than he thought he’d felt in a long time. And afterward, they’d even had a few short lived moments of peace. But they were just that. Short lived. Soon, they were both pulling on their clothes in complete silence. Nick couldn’t bring himself to even look at him, and judging by the coldness he felt from the others end, he knew Miles was probably having the same issue. “You go.” He cleared his threat and tried to sound natural, even though he wasn’t fooling anybody. “I have to go home. Check on Murphy.” It was a complete excuse, and Nick felt dirty for it. Guilty. But what else was he supposed to do? Go inside and pretend like nothing ever happened? He couldn’t do that, because both of them knew something did happen. And this time, it wouldn’t be as easy to brush off as a kiss was. “I’ll see you later though, yeah?” He said numbly, buttoning up his shirt. He almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic his words sounded to his own ears. Almost. “You can tell me how the reception was.”

Miles’s blush deepened and he looked back down again, fixing his pants and trying to look presentable enough to go back inside. He knew Nick was right that he should go. This had been a bad choice and now they were going to have to face it — but this was the worst time in the world, because Miles still had an entire wedding reception to sit through. He picked up his jacket and slung it over his arm instead of putting it on, then leaned into the front seat to retrieve his phone and Greg’s keys. He didn’t know what else to say. He kept avoiding eye contact while he opened the door and climbed out. The air hit him and was almost dizzying after being stuck in the car for so long. At Nick’s statement about seeing him later, Miles froze. He didn’t even know how to respond to that. When would he actually see him again? “Okay,” was all he said in response, because there was nothing else he could say. All he knew now was that he wanted to be away from Nick, as bad as that sounded, at least for now. He wanted extended family members to buy him drinks until he couldn’t see straight, and he wanted to try and be happy for his mom. He looked at Nick, thinking he should say something else but not quite knowing what, before simply turning on his heel and heading back toward the building to go inside. He had to put on a show now, had to face his mom on her special day, feeling something indescribable the whole time. He didn’t regret it. But he still knew they shouldn’t have done it.

Nick could feel the tension between them grow with every passing moment. While just moments ago, they’d been on the same page, now it’s like they were strangers. Briefly, he felt Miles look at him, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to look back. Nodding, mostly to himself, he finished dressing and stepped out of the car. His own car keys and other items were still stuffed deep in his pockets, and he had to rifle around until he found his keys, but as soon as he did he was off in search of his own car. He had no reason to stay.

[iamacolor]

I understand why people like Sana (she's awesome) but forgive if I'm wrong didn't yoursef get with noora and when that didn't pan out well he went to Sana? Sana deserved better but I could be wrong about yoursef

Hi Anon!

Sana is indeed awesome.

Ok so the whole Sana, Noora,Yousef thing is a bit messy (as the rest of the season lol) but basically here is my take on it:

To me it is pretty clear, and it has been since the first episode, that Yousef has been having feelings for Sana for a while. Very honest feelings. That only grew stronger and stronger. If the looks he gave her in the first episode don’t convince you, reread their first texts and rewatch the Inshallah clip and you’ll see how gone for her he is (he pretends to go drink juice to go talk to his best friend’s sister and ends up showing her how to peel carrots, how iconic ). Now after all that, the Det beste fra Islam clip happened. It’s important to note that when that clip happened Sana had already unfriended Yousef on Facebook after learning that he wasn’t muslim. But he didn’t know. He knew she had been ignoring him as she didn’t reply to his messages but when someone unfriends you it doesn’t show up so he didn’t notice. The det beste fra islam clip happened and I bet in his head he was already planning the proposal if not the wedding itself. 

From what we’ve learned through his texts with noora, he realized the day after this clip that she had unfriended him. #heartbroken. He must have felt so lost and heartbroken and just didn’t understand. So,fast forward to the karaoke bar. His best friend invited him to a party where he knows he will see the girl he’s madly in love with, the girl who rejected him with no explanation (the girl he wasn’t dating might I add, like nothing had happened technically between them). But his best friend invites him so he has to go. And he sees Sana and she looks gorgeous but he also sees Even and he probably understands that Sana is the one who set this up. He told her Even was the reason he left Islam (this storyline is a mess but bear with me it’s called messy writing) and then she blocks him on facebook and invites him and his friends to an event with Even. Yousef must have been so confused.

Then the fight happened (because apparently Isak was really jealous) and Yousef went to get Sana (which was a smart idea but it would have been smarter to go with her outside, I’ll never forgive Julie for writing him like that but she wanted the kiss to happen so he stayed inside). And then he stayed with noora. We don’t really know how the kiss between them went on, did they talk a little before? did they just kiss for 20 minutes straight? I’d say Noora started it but no one knows. But one thing is sure: yousef regretted it as soon as it happened. He even said to Noora herself that it didn’t mean anything and that he didn’t want sana to find out. He knew it was bad. Even noora knew.

To quote Cengiz Al (who plays Yousef), Yousef “Had lost all hopes” when he kissed Noora. He thought he had no future with Sana and was upset about his friends fighting. He didn’t “get” with Noora. They had one kiss and then only talked about Sana. Literally their whole convos is him talking about how much he loves Sana and how they’re soulmates and how he feels bad because he thinks she hates him. He didn’t go back to Sana when things went wrong with Noora. He never was with Noora. And he only kissed Noora because things had gone wrong with Sana (and he had to cancel all his proposal and wedding plans).

Anyway the thing is, he made a mistake yes. He regretted it. He said it. He made assumptions (with good reasons too as the signals from Sana weren’t clear either). But Skam is about seeing behind people’s mistakes. Isak betrayed Eva’s trust in season 1 and he still desereves his beautiful love story with Even. Even cheated on Sonja and went back to her after telling Isak he was going to break up but he still deserves his love story with Isak doesn’t he?

Yes Sana deserves the world and if I could I would give it to her. But she doesn’t want the world she just wants her girl squad and Yousef. She knows about doing things you end up regretting when you’re too upset about something (this is the girl who went behind isak’s back to set up an instagram account and behind noora’s back to email william). They both made mistakes. But in the end, I truly think they’re a perfect match! He is so considerate with her, so caring. He only has eyes for her and you can see how much it pains him when she ignores him and how happy he is when she talks to him. He has been problematic at some point but so have been many other characters in the past (including Sana). What’s also important to remember is that none of the things he did were doen to hurt Sana on purpose.

I’m sorry this got soooooooooo long but I had a lot of things to say about this!! . Let’s be honest, it is a messy situation with plot holes and ooc behavior but the writing hasn’t been really consistent this season so that explains a lot as well. Anyway I hope this helps you understand why so many of us ship Yousef and Sana together.

Have a good day/night/evening/morning Anon!

[chellyfishing]

telling a violent story vs using violence as a story

i really want to write this essay but as usual i don’t have the spoons for doing it justice so it’s pretty much just extemporaneous word dumping. anyway.

every story has a different tone about where they draw the line with violence and death. you can probably think of a lot of examples of both ends of the scale. there’s a misconception that being higher up on the violence/death end of the scale is more adult and more realistic, which ps is bullshit thanks bye. if anything it’s a sign of immaturity but that’s sort of beside the point atm.

the point i wanna make is this: it’s not a secret that i have strong feelings about killing off major or otherwise sympathetic characters. i have an opinion about this that differs from the majority in that i don’t like a character dying in order to motivate another character. it’s tacky. it’s cheap. it’s boring. it’s overdone. and a character can motivate another character while like. still being alive? weird right? live characters always present more options than dead ones. (obviously discussions of character death but also #rape mention ahead.)

to me character death should be a result rather than strictly a catalyst. think about ASoIaF, which is much more violent and upsetting than my typical tastes lean but credit where it’s due, GRRM knows how to do character death. when you know they’re coming, it becomes incredibly obvious. choices, circumstances, motivations all come together to create this unavoidable moment. nothing exists in a vacuum. in ASoIaF, death is a result and a catalyst, but not purely for character motivation; rather, it changes the game itself, leading to a domino effect. ned’s death at the end of AGoT is unavoidable, and it turns things on their heads (heheh) for everybody. the red wedding is built up to for a long time, and obviously that goes on to have huge repercussions. so, counterintuitively, one of the most violent stories in the zeitgeist right now is, for the most part (not a perfect record) is telling a violent story without necessarily using violence as a substitute for a story.

contrast with GoT, which throws in rape and gore like glitter to accent their teenage/twenty-something boy hypermasculine wank power fantasy. GoT is at the other end and it’s super gross and disturbing.

one of the best-known and most prolific offenders of “death because death” is joss whedon. it seems to be the only way he knows how to create shocking “plot twists” and heavy emotional drama. and the worst of the worst sins was tara macclay on buffy. the thing about joss is that he thinks he’s being incredibly clever surprising his audience with this stuff. he’s said as much himself. there is no effort to build up to it. it’s just, well, nobody’s died for a little while so idk find something to impale someone on. tara’s death was everything death in fiction should not be. first of all she was a lesbian, and one in a happy relationship to boot. need say no more. second of all she was literally caught in the crossfire. the bullet that killed her was meant for someone else and it just happened to strike her down instead with no effort or chance to save her. third, it had to happen so willow could be evil for a bit. and fourth, most obnoxiously, that episode was the first and only time amber benson appeared in the opening credits. this was done deliberately. i wish i could find the quote but alas. to the best of my recollection joss said they wanted to do something like this with another character, possibly jenny calendar, but were unable. it was fully planned well ahead of time to “trick” the audience, which is kind of... sad? that you feel the need to resort to a meta trick like that to maximize shock value? (oh, and don’t even fucking start me on dr. horrible’s and penny. ffs, joss. that didn’t even fit the fucking tone. fuck.)

there are more examples (i am looking directly at you, the 100) but i think those two pretty much put the cap on that point.

death in a story can be important and moving without making the audience feel cheated. HIMYM is largely a light-hearted romantic comedy, but it’s also one about transitioning to adulthood and what that means. and unfortunately, adulthood often means unexpectedly losing loved ones. the death of marshall’s father was surprising, but less than to motivate marshall in some way, it’s more to clarify that adulthood means loss as much as it means gain. it means change more than anything. also story-wise it was a good choice of character, as marvin had deep important connections to a character we loved without leaving a gaping void full of what might have been.

wynonna earp is another story that knows where to draw the line. most of the “victims” are cartoon villains who are inhuman and already dead. the framing of the story leaves us no reason to have sympathy for these literal monsters. when a more sympathetic or humanized character has to go, it’s because there’s no other choice, and each time rather than being a motivator for wynonna, we can see instead the psychological toll it takes on her. she is someone who is surrounded by death, the one with this burden to make the hard decisions and pull the trigger. she killed her father on accident when she was just 11. she’s forced to kill beloved shorty, who is pretty much family and one of the few people who didn’t think she was trash, in order to save him and potentially a lot more. levi and fish were mercy kills that forced her to confront the fact that these monsters truly were once human. and in the finale she gets a double whammy: willa’s betrayal leaves her once again turning her gun on a family member and fatally pulling the trigger. we’re even relieved to see her shoot bobo, not just because she has to if she ever wants to break the curse but because again there’s another dimension to it, maybe even a tinge of mercy. bobo is not exactly sympathetic, but he is someone with dimension, someone we know. willa pretty much had to go story-wise, if nothing else she was a threat to wynonna’s position as the heir and the show is called wynonna earp. but her death also tied into the themes of the show: how to make and live with hard choices, how to stand up and be the one to do the unthinkable because you’re the only one and you have to, whether you want to or not, how to be the one who bears the hate of the very people you’re sacrificing everything to save.

and of course, i can’t not address harry potter, which i think is hit or miss. surprisingly i think cedric’s death was well-done and important, because it was shocking without being done for shock value, and because it was a result: a result of cedric being honorable and good and at the wrong end of the wand of a man who feels nothing about killing anything not useful to him. and ironically, it should have been a catalyst, but it wasn’t, but that’s its own story: the warning everyone failed to listen to, at their own peril. some deaths were organic in that jkr herself went against her plans once she realized what made more sense for the story. iirc, she’s on record as saying arthur weasley was originally meant to die when he’s attacked in ootp, but she spared him at the last minute. he didn’t need to die, it wouldn’t have added to the story, and killing arthur weasley is like joss whedon-level bullshit. on the other hand, she initially intended to let snape live (again iirc) but here she backed herself in a corner. snape was another result. it became obvious that according to the story there simply wasn’t a feasible way to save him, even if in context his death was for nothing. and of course la pièce de résistance, dumbledore, who is GRRM levels of inevitable and necessary.

i feel different ways about other deaths. they mostly happened for the sake of happening, to remind us it’s a war and people die in wars and she wanted faces and names we knew. that’s fair, as it goes. and i don’t begrudge the fact that she didn’t stop to dwell over some of them, because again, war, chaos, you don’t have time to grieve as it happens. but like. fred? i feel a little cheated. lupin and tonks? especially transparent and... unfulfilling. it was like bringing them together was done only to produce teddy, and then they became more useful dead first so harry would be more important to teddy and also because lupin needed to be there with harry in the woods alongside the rest of the marauders. i think of all the deaths these ones are the ones that bother me the most. just... really... meaningless.

also, the movie feeling the need to go a step further and giving us a nice close-up of lavendar brown’s very dead face because... aesthetic? it’s more ambiguous in the book, and even pottermore can’t seem to decide which way to go. it’s so irrelevant that people can’t agree it even happened.

death isn’t the only kind of violence in fiction or necessarily even the worst, but it is the one that’s always on hand like a tissue to grab as you need and the one that is abused by unimaginative writers who just... can’t think of how else to move the story forward. i do think there is a place for stories that involve rape, because it’s real and just like any other group survivors need to see themselves acknowledged as being real and more than their trauma. i don’t really feel too comfortable speaking for survivors here tbh but i do know that all of us need stories to keep us from feeling isolated and unworthy. but i cringe at the idea that it’s just something that happens to women and therefore let’s add it here, here, here, and here. using it as a turning point for the survivor like assault is enlightening and transformative is gross. using it as a turning point for someone else, usually a man, is A WHOLE LOT GROSSER.

also i just realized i didn’t get into tarantino, but i’m too tired for the kind of analysis his work requires. anyway one of the things i liked about kill bill, for example, is that the violence is so over-the-top that in places it’s comical. the whole film is just so extra. afaik that’s what tarantino was going for.

quick shout-out to snk: my favorite comedy. when this first came out it was hailed as The Best Thing Of The Year, it was SO GOOD, so quality. anyway so i finally got around to watching it. i watched it twice in relative succession in fact. and i laughed a lot. you can ask @second-stringer, she was like “oh my god, i’m in a room with a sociopath.” snk is so extra, but i... don’t think that’s what it was going for. i think it was going for shock! and drama! and plot twists! and look at all that blood and gore and dead people! this is obviously Very Mature! i feel so cool and grown-up watching it! and (sorry, not to get passive aggressive at my mutuals who were into it at any point, this is honestly about conversations i had with or read between people not on tumblr/in other contexts) the general trend was the raves were coming from the younger and frequently male audience. like it was the usual kind of thing where you couldn’t be like, are you... serious? didn’t you find it kind of... ridiculous? because you would be mobbed by rabid fanboys eager to mansplain that i don’t know i stopped listening. anyway, the steep decline in worship for the series over time leaves me feeling smug and satisfied. i actually might still watch it out of morbid curiosity and in the hopes that it’s as funny or, prayer circle, even funnier.

in conclusion, bobby has an email from me that includes a lot of yelling, “DON’T KILL THE LESBIAN. DON’T FUCKING DO IT.” this is my contribution to the cause.

[athousandmilez-blog]

Tagging: Miles Sterling & Nick Vaughn.

Timeframe: Evening of June 29, 2017.

Location: A reception hall.

General Notes: Miles and Nick sneak off at Miles’ mother’s wedding to indirectly mess with his new stepdad. NSFW. Missing like the entire first half.

Nick tried to suppress a laugh at the dig about Helen, just in case Miles wasn't joking. "Speaking of Helen --- how are her and your Dad?" He looked over at him curiously. "Are they here?" He didn't want to stir up drama; he was just mildly curious and tended to get caught up in small talk. "We are pretty expensive." He agreed, nodding quickly. "Adding you to the mix will just make her go bankrupt." He teased before smiling to himself. "Guess there is.... Operation Steal Gregs Car is officially in progress now." As they continued to walk on, he glanced at Miles in interest. "What were the themes? Was it good?" He asked, before speaking again, not giving Miles time to respond. "We'll have to find it so we can watch it. Don't get me wrong, I love Scout but I just don't think she appreciates your love of Cupcake Wars like I do." He said, seriously. "Shit man --- maybe. Only I hope I don't drive as bad as I do in GTA. Or else this might be our first and last car ride together." He paused, grabbing the keys. "Anyway, buckle up!" He grinned as he unlocked the car and slid his way into the drivers seat. "Your wish is my command." He looked around the car as he brainstormed ideas before brightening up a little and putting the key in the ignition to turn the radio on. "He's never gonna know what hit him." He busied himself with pressing random buttons on the control panel as he spoke. "Tell me what music he hates so I can reprogram his set channels." It sounded cooler in his head, but if it were him, that would drive him crazy. "But that's just the beginning... reach into my jacket pocket. I have a surprise for us."

Miles shook his head. "Nah, they're not here. They're good, though, I guess. I dunno. I haven't talked to Dad in a little while." Miles sort of wished all this had happened when he was younger so he didn't have to deal with all the angst of it now. But it is what it is. "So then we agree it is most certainly not worth it for me to marry your mom. Glad we had this talk." He'd certainly missed these strange conversations with Nick. No one else ever made it seem so natural. "It was for, like, a wedding. It was pretty good. Not the best episode but I think we made a silent vow to watch every single one together. You're right, though. Scout just doesn't get it." Miles laughed at that, settling into the passenger seat. This truly was wild. He'd never even been in Greg's car before, and he didn't think he ever would. But here he was. "He hates pretty much anything that's not country so that should be easy." He started to do just that, changing the preset stations on Greg's car radio when Nick mentioned something in his pocket. He looked up at him curiously. Usually he'd be more wary about something like this, but he was pretty sure Nick didn't have anything that would kill him. Curiosity got the best of him, anyway, and before he could ask he did as he was told, invading Nick's personal space to dig through his pocket. He didn't know what he expected, but it certainly wasn't weed. Miles wished he could have seen the look on his own face right then. "Dude," was all he managed at first, and then he laughed. "You should have mentioned this an hour ago!"

Nick nodded at the newfound information. "Ah, man. Well hopefully you get to talk to him soon. Hope he's doing okay." Nick didn't mean to bring up a sore subject, if it was one. Bringing up Miles' birth father while he was being cursed with a stepfather he couldn't stand probably wasn't the greatest conversation starter. "You're officially ruled out as far as my future potential stepdads go. Congratulations. Crossing your name off the list ASAP." Joking with Miles always came easy, despite the awkwardness recent events had caused between them. They always seemed to snap back eventually. "The worst episode of cupcake wars is still better than the best episode of anything else." That probably didn't even make sense, and held no real truth. Still, though, he didn't expect anyone to read too deeply into the things he said sometimes. "So hard rap and top pop hits." He stated and grinned at the radio console as he punched buttons. "I got you." He shifted to allow Miles room to sift through his pocket, still messing with the radio stations all the awhile. Truthfully, he could have just handed Miles the weed, but that would have ruined the surprise. Finally satisfied with his work, Nick hit one of the now re-programmed station buttons and leaned back in the drivers seat. "I considered it, but I figured if I mentioned it in front of your family they'd try to take it for themselves." He joked, reaching into his other pocket and pulling out a lighter. "---You ever smoked before?"

Miles shrugged. "He's fine. It's not like that. We're both just busy and not at the top of each other's priority list." It was true. He wasn't hurt by it or anything. "Good to know. I removed your name from my potential stepdad list long ago. Now you've kind of lost your chance anyway, though." Nick just wasn't fast enough. "That is so true. I don't know why we started watching that show but I'm really glad we did. It's a blessing. I think it brings us closer together." Really, he couldn't pinpoint when or why it had happened, but somehow they'd developed a mutual obsession with Cupcake Wars, and Miles wouldn't have it any other way. "Perfect. I doubt he even knows how to change it back." Miles smiled smugly as he watched Nick change the stations. He finally settled on a station playing current hits that Miles thought he was too good for (but wasn't), and he examined the weed in his hands while Nick spoke. "No doubt in my mind about that. So good call." He glanced over at him at the question, raising an eyebrow. "I think you know the answer to that." But he'd answer it anyway. "I haven't. I've watched it happen enough in my life, though." It wasn't that he was against it or anything. It just never appealed to him as something to seek out, and it wasn't often available to him. Right now, though, he didn't see any reason not to. "I'm afraid I'm gonna cough up a lung, though. Maybe I'll puke on the floor. Greg would love that."

Nick made a noise of understanding and nodded. "Pretty easy to get caught up in your own life." He commented, and he was just about to make a jab at him and say he knew Miles was good at doing that. But this was not the time nor place --- and what slight (unjustified) bitterness Nick still felt toward him he was trying to push aside and work passed. "Unfortunately, I don't think I'm your Moms type to begin with. As much as it hurts me to admit." He joked, remembering back to all the times he joked about trying to date her years ago. He thought he was so funny when he was in High School. And he still did, but he was still low key embarrassed of his teenage self. Not that he was all that different now, but... still. "It's because we both automatically knew it was gonna be good. It's our show, dude. Watching it alone is ever the same as watching it with you." He spoke, earnestly, because it was the truth. "Probably not. Hey, maybe he'll develop a decent taste in music. So really we could be doing him a favor here." He grinned as he turned his head to look at his friend. "I had a feeling you'd say that." He admitted. Miles never was one to to really partake in such things, which he never minded. He figured he'd offer tonight though. After everything, Nick thought he might need it. "I guarantee you won't cough up a lung. Your tonsils, maybe. Maybe some blood. But no lungs. You get to keep those." He laughed again and reached out to take the already rolled joint from him. "It's going to be harsh, so you're going to cough a lot. So if it's too much for you, let me know." He instructed carefully. "I'm going to light it --- and all you have to do is suck and hold it in for a second." He paused ."But first let's roll up all the windows... we don't want anything getting out."

Miles nodded. "Right. Not a big deal or anything. I stopped being pissed at him a while ago." Being angry about it wasn't going to do Miles any good, anyway. "Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. She tends not to go for super skinny dudes who are, you know, friends with her son." Miles couldn't help but laugh at that. It was honestly ridiculous to even entertain the idea of Nick and his mother ever becoming a thing, but somehow it always came up. "You're right. It's good shit. It's actually not that great a show on its own. Our commentary is the only thing that makes it bearable sometimes," he admitted, because it was true. It really wasn't all they made it out to be. The show itself was mediocre at best most times. But they got super into it, and honestly, it [I]did[/I] often get pretty intense. Miles rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right." He couldn't see that happening. Miles sighed, shaking his head at Nick's words. "Oh God. I'm not, like, actually gonna cough up blood or anything, am I?" he asked as he eyed the joined now back in Nick's hand. He honestly couldn't tell if he'd been joking or not. He nodded at that, using the ancient hand crank to manually roll up the windows, because of course Greg didn't have automatic windows. "I'm a little nervous, man."

Miles nodded. "Right. Not a big deal or anything. I stopped being pissed at him a while ago." Being angry about it wasn't going to do Miles any good, anyway. "Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there. She tends not to go for super skinny dudes who are, you know, friends with her son." Miles couldn't help but laugh at that. It was honestly ridiculous to even entertain the idea of Nick and his mother ever becoming a thing, but somehow it always came up. "You're right. It's good shit. It's actually not that great a show on its own. Our commentary is the only thing that makes it bearable sometimes," he admitted, because it was true. It really wasn't all they made it out to be. The show itself was mediocre at best most times. But they got super into it, and honestly, it did often get pretty intense. Miles rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right." He couldn't see that happening. Miles sighed, shaking his head at Nick's words. "Oh God. I'm not, like, actually gonna cough up blood or anything, am I?" he asked as he eyed the joint now back in Nick's hand. He honestly couldn't tell if he'd been joking or not. He nodded at that, using the ancient hand crank to manually roll up the windows, because of course Greg didn't have automatic windows. "I'm a little nervous, man."

Nick nodded at the comment, deciding not to press it any further. He laughed at Miles' comment about his mom, and shook his head in faux disappointment. "I'm heartbroken. I'd say she's missing out, but that'd be a lie. We all know it's the other way around." He joked. Miles should know by now he wasn't serious about it. Especially after all that had happened lately. Rolling his eyes good naturedly as he rolled up the window on the drivers side. A grin crossed his lips at the question. "No, dumbass. The weed doesn't contain glass particles." He said teasingly before softening up some. "Hey, it'll be okay. It's everyone's first time sometime. And I'll be right here if you don't like it or it's too much." He reminded him before lifting the lighter to spark the end of the joint. "Do you want the first hit, or would you rather me show you first?"

Miles rolled his eyes. "Yes, Nick, we all know that." His mom totally was a catch. He wasn't wrong there. Miles put his hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt by the insult. "Ouch. No need for name-calling here." He knew Nick was only kidding, of course, and that was only confirmed when he lightened up and actually started to ease Miles' fears about the whole thing. It really wasn't a big deal, but honestly...he was just a weenie. "Okay. Don't get mad if I cough on you or something." He watched with wide eyes as Nick lit the joint. He licked his lips as he watched, then reached out to take it from him. "I'll try." He was feeling adventurous, clearly. It felt foreign in his hand, and he eyed it for a few moments before bringing it up to place it between his lips. He tried not too think too hard as he inhaled. Immediately, as Nick had warned him, it overwhelmed him. He started coughing almost instantly. As he tried to catch his breath, letting out a few more coughs to clear his throat, he thrust the joint back toward Nick. "How the fuck is this supposed to be enjoyable?" he asked, his voice rough from the strain of all the coughing.

Nick snorted at the response. They'd always joked around like this, and he could admit to himself that he missed it. He missed hanging out with him. "Eh, you'll get over it." He shrugged. "You cough on me, I'll sneeze on you so it's fair, alright?" He handed over the joint to him silently, quirking an eyebrow as Miles said he'd go first. Maybe he should have instructed him or something, but before he knew it his friend was inhaling the smoke. As he started to choke, he darted a hand out to clap down on his shoulder, slightly concerned even if he knew he'd be okay. "Give it a minute." He coaxed as he took the joint back and brought it to his lips with his free hand, holding it in his lungs for a brief moment before letting it exhale. "You're gonna feel it, trust me. You'll barely even notice the sore throat."

Miles figured that was fair enough. He hardly even noticed Nick take a hit because he did so quickly and without a sound other than his inhaling and exhaling. Miles wondered how long it took to get to that point, but he wasn't going to ask. Plus, if he spoke again, he'd probably start coughing. He wasn't really feeling any different, but he wasn't sure how long it was supposed to take. "What's it supposed to feel like?" he asked. He barely even noticed Nick's hand still on his shoulder. "Should I try it again or give it a minute?' He was honestly completely clueless here. He thought he'd know by watching other people, but clearly that wasn't the case.

Nick knew Miles was new at this, but he couldn't help but grin slightly at the reaction. What a proud moment. His best friend was smoking weird for the first time. Nick wasn't sure if he should feel bad for corrupting him or be glad that he tried it with him first. So he settled on just being mildly amused. "Don't try it again. I don't wanna overwhelm you. Give it time to settle." He instructed as he angled his body to face him a little better. "It's supposed to feel like... I don't know. Like you're completely relaxed. And your head feels fuzzy, but you still feel good." It was the sort of thing that he'd just have to experience himself. "Are you okay?"

Miles nodded. That made enough sense to him. "Okay." He'd thought it was going to be an instantaneous thing, but it seemed to be a little more gradual. He figured he was starting to feel a little bit different after a few moments, especially as Nick explained what it was supposed to be like. He was pretty sure he was feeling a little more relaxed. But that could have all just been in his head. "Yeah, I'm okay. I...think I feel different." He sighed. Though he couldn't see the excitement in the whole thing, he was at least glad he had Nick with him. "Thanks for this. I guess it'll be kinda cool to at least say I tried it."

Nick laughed slightly in response. "Hey, even if it's not your thing, now you know." He had a sneaking suspicion it wasn't Miles' thing, judging from the look on his face. "You're welcome. Plus, if Greg knew we were doing this, it'd piss him off so bad. So that makes it all worth it, right?" He let the joint dangle from his other hand, his right still resting on Miles' shoulder absentmindedly. His words died off and it fell silent for a moment before he spoke again, voice quieter than before. "Are you really okay? About the wedding?"

Miles shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." He didn't think he'd be doing this again. At least, he wouldn't go seeking it out. Maybe if Nick brought it up again in the future. He tended to make stupid decisions with Nick. "That's true. And that's the beauty of all of this, right?" he asked, gesturing around him to the car they were still sitting in. Greg would probably somehow find out. At that, Miles turned to look at him. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about this. Not now. He shook his head, turning away. "I'm fine, Nick. Please, just--don't make this something it doesn't need to be." He appreciated the concern, though. Nick was the only person who ever really gave a shit what he was thinking. He just didn't have the energy right now to get into it. He turned back to meet Nick's eyes again. "Are you okay?"

Nick nodded in agreement. "Right. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I'm always up for some harmless revenge." He smiled at Miles briefly before the conversation melded into something more serious. "I'm sorry ---" He cut himself off, going quiet as he contemplated what to say. He didn't want to make him talk about something he wasn't comfortable with. "I'm not trying to. I just... you know you can talk to me, right?" He looked up to meet Miles' eyes. "You can talk to me." He repeated, not knowing what else to say without pushing too hard. But then Miles was turning it back on him, and it startled him. "I'm fine." He said automatically, not quite sure if that was true or not, but this conversation wasn't about him. "I wouldn't be here with you if I weren't fine."

Miles sighed. Here they went again, getting way too real without actually meaning to. "Don't apologize." Nick kept on reiterating that he could talk to him, but Miles wasn't sure if that was true. Talking about things led to bad choices with them, mostly because neither of them really knew how to handle their feelings -- whatever those feelings were. "I know," Miles replied anyway. The way Nick spoke to him made Miles doubt that, somehow. He thought that maybe being with him was hurting rather than helping. It was for Miles, at least; he was still feeling confused, despite being happy to be reunited with his best friend. "You sure about that?" he asked quietly, raising an eyebrow at him. "I think we'd be somewhere else entirely if you were fine." Probably inside right now, dancing together, or something people who could be honest with themselves did. But they were here instead, playing games. They were good at that.

Nick knew he should stop talking. He knew saying too much or letting get the topic get too serious was a bad idea. But he couldn't seem to help himself; he wanted Miles to know he still cared. At the remark, Nick let the hand resting on Miles' shoulder fall off. "You know that's not fair." His voice was quiet, and he tried not to show that it actually stung. Because he knew he was right. His chest feeling heavy, he exhaled slowly before saying something he probably really shouldn't. "I'm here because I missed you."

Miles knew he probably shouldn't have said it. But so far, dancing around certain subjects had gotten them absolutely nowhere. Even if he didn't say it out loud, Miles would still be thinking it, so he figured he'd rather just come right out and say it in the name of being honest with him. "I'm not...saying you should come out or anything like that. That's not what I meant," he clarified. "But you're not fine." He was taken back by that. No matter how many times he heard it, it still hit him just as hard. He'd missed him too, so much, after only a week, and that meant something to him. "Does it even make a difference if I say I missed you too?"

Nick felt his chest constrict and his shoulders tense as Miles spoke. Guilt, regret, and panic seemed to settle in all at once. "Well, what do you want me to say?" He remarked, unable to hold himself back. "No, Miles, I'm not fine. I'm actually pretty shitty?" He stubbed the joint out on the surface next to the cup holder, letting it fall there after it was no longer lit. He'd clean it up later, maybe. "Would that make you feel better? Would that help anything?" He shouldn't feel this bad. He shouldn't have missed him this much. And he most definitely should not be talking as freely as he was now. "You know I'm not fine." He swallowed, trying to keep at least some of the emotion at bay. "But you also know that I care." He shook his head to himself. "It always makes a difference." Even if it shouldn't.

Miles looked down at his lap, because he didn't know where else to look while he gathered his thoughts. He wasn't meaning to put Nick on the spot like this, but Miles of all people wasn't going to judge him for who he was, and they'd be stupid to pretend that nothing was still going on here. "I want you to be able to be honest with yourself even if you can't with everyone else. It's me, Nick. Things aren't just going to go back to normal between us like magic and you know it." He'd say it was the weed making him suddenly want to bring all of this back into the light, but really the urge to had never gone away. Nick was right; Miles knew that he cared. And Nick knew that he cared just as much. Miles adjusted himself in his seat to face Nick completely. He lowered his eyes to look at Nick's lips briefly before blinking back up to his eyes. "What are you thinking right now?"

Nick wished that he could be completely honest, just like he wished he could kiss him when he wanted and not care who saw or what anybody thought. He wished he could want him without feeling guilty, when he should be wishing that they could go back to being just normal friends. Nick hadn't wanted things to get out of control, but they already were. "I know that." His throat felt thick and that's all he could think to say. "But talking only makes us worse. I don't want us to get worse." He didn't miss how Miles' eyes dropped down to his lips. He found himself doing the same, his words (not for the first time) contradicting his actions. "Something I really shouldn't." He said, a bitter sort of laugh escaping him as he shook his head. Internally debating with himself, his desires quickly won over rational thought. Talking made things worse, but this would make things even more complicated than they already were. But it was hard when he was so close, when Nick knew he wanted him too. It was too hard. So despite knowing this was a mistake, Nick reached out to clasp his hand over Miles' shoulder once again. Only this time, it was to steady himself as he leaned forward to press his lips against his best friend's.

Miles shook his head. "I don't see how it can get any worse than lying about the way we feel." His kept his voice low, as if this was all some big secret. It wasn't, and it never was; they just forced it to be that way. At least now, Nick was being honest with him. Miles knew what he meant before he even took action. But as always, the hand on his shoulder and Nick's face suddenly coming toward his own made his heart beat faster, even if he'd been expecting it to some extent. Without thinking twice about it, Miles' own hand came up to the back of Nick's neck, almost like he was afraid that he'd pull away if Miles didn't keep him there. They were going to regret this because everything was going to go to shit again. No matter how many times they discussed how stupid it was, they'd always find a way to make it weird again. But for right now, Miles would just pretend that that wasn't the inevitable outcome.

Nick wanted to agree with him, but he couldn't help but feel like it could and would get worse. But right now, at that moment, he was willing to ignore the consequences. "Sometimes it's easier to lie than it is to deal with the truth." He didn't mean to say that, but at least that was the truth. Words were quickly forgotten as their lips met and Miles' hand was grasping onto the back of his neck. He leaned in closer, the hand sliding from Miles' shoulder to the side of his neck. He didn't want to let go. The seat was separating them, but he tried his best to bring Miles as close as he could, responding with more urgency now that the kiss was reciprocated.

Miles didn't even want to think about what Nick had said. He was right, of course it was easier. But that didn't mean they should. Similarly, it was much easier to forget what was going to happen after this was over than to think rationally about it. So that's just what Miles did, casting those thoughts of what was to come aside, focusing solely on Nick and how good it felt to be close to him like this again. He wanted to climb over to his side already just to be closer, but the size of the car made that kind of impossible. He had to think on his feet because he didn't want this to have to end so fast. He pulled away just enough to look at Nick's face. "You're not gonna run out on me because of work again, are you?" he teased, and then he smiled. Before Nick could even respond, Miles reached into his pocket to get his phone. "Gimme a second — you should get rid of the joint," he said, a bit absentmindedly. He didn't want anything to distract them this time, so he figured background music would help them drown out everything else. If everything was going to go to shit after this, they might as well make the absolute most of it.

Nick nearly let a noise of disappointment escape him as Miles' pulled away, even though the kiss had to end sometime. He looked at him, almost confused, until he understood why he'd pulled away. It wasn't to end it, thank god, because Nick didn't want to have to stop until they had to. "No, if they call me I'm quitting." He said, joking, but also just a smidgen serious. "Good idea. I don't want to leave it for Greg to find. He might like the surprise." He saw him take out his phone, and Nick wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but he wanted to find out. After dusting the ashes away with his sleeve and grabbing the joint, Nick stepped out of the car and took a deep breath. After collecting himself, he made sure the joint was outside before safely tucking it in his pants pocket. Turning back to the car, he noticed Miles was now in the backseat. Now is the time where he should back out and leave. But he was already in too deep. Opening the car door, he joined his best friend in the back, turning to face him as he did so. "The evidence is gone. We're good." He wanted to kiss him again already, but he didn't want to be too eager. "So...what's up?"

Miles scrolled through his phone, barely even noticing that his hands were shaking slightly. Whether it was from nervousness or excitement he didn't know, but it was likely a combination of both. Nick had that effect on him. He finally found the playlist he was looking for, one that he and Nick had made together one day, composed entirely of songs they both loved and some that one insisted be on there anyway. He connected his phone to the aux cord and let the playlist start on shuffle. He tried not to think about the fact that a New Kids on the Block song was the first to play as he climbed into the backseat. There was much more room back there, and a lot less of a chance for something to go wrong (despite how wrong this all was already). He watched Nick join him in the back, and he refrained from rolling his eyes at Nick's words. He didn't respond at first, instead moving to remove his jacket. He decided in that very moment that tuxes had way too many layers. "Stop talking," Miles told him before reaching for the collar of Nick's shirt to bring their lips together again. He'd be damned if he was going to let him stall and return to their back and forth bullshit again.

Nick faintly registered the familiar song on in the background, and realized that's what Miles had been doing while he was outside. It was hardly surprising, honestly. If he'd thought of it he would have turned some music on too. He supposed it was only appropriate that this was their playlist. And one of their mutual favorite songs. All of that was an afterthought as Miles began to remove his shirt before bringing him in for a kiss, though. Nick didn't need to be told twice. Unable to help but smile against the others lips briefly, his hands made work of removing his own shirt and jacket. Nick deepened the kiss, leaning into him while he unbuttoned everything as quickly as he could. They were definitely going to make the most of their time.

Miles had been right, which sort of really pleased him; the music really was helping. It filled the space around them, making it much easier to get lost in each other without having to worry about anything outside of what was happening between the two of them in that very moment. Miles took it upon himself to finish Nick's job for him, pushing his shirt off his shoulders and discarding it on the floor of the car. He'd never truly been able to appreciate Nick's body because that was creepy as a friend and this weird more-than-friends thing didn't often leave room for that, so he took a moment to break the kiss and take it all in. It really was no wonder Miles couldn't help himself around him. He leaned back in the seat, trying to adjust the way they were to fit in the small space. It was hard, but definitely doable. He reached up with one hand to thread through Nick's hair, pulling him back down to kiss him again. This was certainly faster than he'd expected, but if they stopped to think about it, it would just get worse.

Nick happily helped Miles in the removal of his own clothes, shrugging his shirt off to the floor of the car before busying himself with trying to remove Miles’ shirt. Fingers slightly fumbling in his haste (and somewhere in his mind he might just be a little nervous too), Nick didn’t move away from their kiss until he had too. He took a sharp intake of breath as he noticed Miles looking at him. And while Nick was used to people staring at his naked body almost daily, none of those people had ever been Miles. And while sometimes the staring made him uncomfortable, this time he didn’t. It only spurred him on further; quickly working to pull his friends shirt all the way off to join his own on the floor. It was a little dark, but he still took a moment to admire the others body. He slid his hands over his chest and down to his stomach — his eyes following along until something on Miles’ arm caught his eye. Raising an eyebrow in surprised, he halted all movement in order to zero in on the picture on his friends skin. “Miles. What the hell is that on your arm?” He couldn’t help the amusement from seeping into his tone, despite the situation.

Miles noticed the way Nick’s breath hitched at Miles’ gazing, and he thought maybe he’d made it weird. But then Nick was doing the same to him and Miles had a similar reaction. He realized it was just as new to Nick as it was to him. Nick’s hands running along his skin made Miles shiver. His eyes darted down to watch his movement. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Nick spoke, and Miles let it out as he raised his head to look at him again. Shit. He’d completely forgotten about that. Miles looked at his own arm where the offending tattoo was, and he frowned. “Oh yeah, that — that’s my tattoo,” he stated simply. He licked his lips, meeting Nick’s eyes again. “It��s, um, it’s Scout riding a skateboard.” He hadn’t expected to have to explain it in this exact situation, but here he was. “I was really drunk. I got it with your brother.” He sighed. “I’m not really in the mood to talk about what I did with your brother right now, though.” He emphasized his point by running his hands down along Nick’s back, pulling him close and pressing his own body up against him. He lowered his voice, getting as close to Nick’s ear as he could. “I don’t actually want to talk about anything at all.”

Nick cast his gaze completely on Miles’ arm tattoo as the other male explained himself. He couldn’t help the small grin that made its way onto his face. Subconsciously, he moved his hand up to rest his fingers on top of the tattoo, tracing it as he inspected it briefly. “Nice.” He let out a breathless sort of laugh as Miles pulled him closer to press against him. “Lets not talk about my brother at all right now.” He almost laughed, but instead he leaned down to trail kisses from Miles’ neck to collarbone. “Then don’t.” He murmured against the skin, nipping gently while his hands resumed making their way down his body. “

Miles resisted the urge to swat Nick’s hand away, because he already knew it was there, so he supposed he’d let him get all his curiosity about it out now so they wouldn’t have to talk about it again later. Hopefully he’d just forget about it. Nick’s skin felt hot against his own. Miles’ eyes closed of their own accord, overwhelmed by the overall situation: Nick’s lips and teeth grazing his skin, his hands burning Miles’ skin, and most of all, no promise of either of them stopping anytime soon. Miles didn’t know whether he should worry about that, but he wasn’t about to say anything. He wanted this; he wanted Nick. His hands found the sides of Nick’s face so that he could pull him back up to kiss him again. He knew they should stop, that they should get out of the car and pretend this never happened. But he couldn’t bring himself to.

Nick was undeniably amused by the tattoo, but in all truth he wasn’t about to say more about it at that moment. He wasn’t sure what he was doing; what they were doing. But he did know he wanted to continue. That he didn’t want to stop until they had to, or until Miles changed his mind. He leaned back in to reciprocate the kiss as his friend grabbed him by the face. His hands drifted up Miles’ chest for a moment to cup his face instinctively before he started to deepen the kiss. Deciding to try his luck, his hands drifted their way back down until they were resting on Miles’ belt, thumbs resting against his stomach, he waited until he had some go ahead to go further. As lost in the moment as he was, this was still Miles. He didn’t want to move too fast and have them awkwardly fight with each other.

Miles originally wasn’t sure where this was going to go, assuming that something would happen to stop them before things went too far like the past two times, but this time there were no distractions and he was feeling sort of dizzy because of it. This was real and all of the alarms in his head were going off, telling him this was a bad idea, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. It was Nick, and fuck if Miles had ever been able to just walk away from him. He broke the kiss, his breath catching in his throats when he realized Nick’s hands had made their way all the way down to his belt. He glanced down, feeling his heart beginning to pound in his chest, because form here there was no turning back. But he could think of no immediate reason to say no, and everything inside of him compelled him to look back up at Nick and nod silently, his arms looping around his neck, sliding a hand up into his hair once again. He’d always liked Nick’s hair, if he were being honest, so naturally he’d take this opportunity to mess it up a little.

Nick knew this was a mistake. He knew this was wrong and that he should just stop before they completely went too far. But being this close to him, with no distractions and after weeks of on and off again fighting, was addicting. At least right now he could admit to himself how much he wanted him. Right now he wasn’t thinking about the rest of the world, or the consequences. Right now, he just wanted to pretend like he was normal and that he could do this; that he could be what Miles wanted. Feeling his heart stutter in his chest at Miles’ signal to continue, Nick paused for a moment to lean down for another kiss while his hands slowly undid his belt and slid off and onto the floor. He let out a soft grunt of approval as Miles’ hands found his hair. He’d always liked his hair being messed with. The fact that it was Miles’ who was doing it was strange simply because it was new. But he wasn’t complaining about it. Cautiously, one of Nick’s hands brushed over the front of his pants, testing the waters before his hand found his zipper.

Miles expected there to be some level of hesitance within himself, even reluctance, but he found that nothing else seemed to matter now. Nothing but how Nick felt on top of him, how good it felt to be close to him in this way. He could feel all sense of self control slipping away with each passing moment. He was desperate to be closer, holding Nick’s head in place to deepen the kiss, and he let a low groan escape despite Nick’s cautious movements. He raised his hips eagerly, finding it much harder to hold back now. He pulled away from the kiss to let out a shaky breath. "Nick.” It sounded more like a sigh, but it reminded him that this truly was Nick here on top of him, kissing him and touching him in the back of his own new stepdad’s car. It was insane. He still couldn’t really believe it. Miles’ lips found Nick’s neck instead, his kisses sloppy and not very well placed, but he resolved to blame it on the drinks he’d had and the fact that he’d never wanted someone so much in his entire life. He supposed Nick wouldn’t mind.

Nick was quickly losing himself in every kiss and every touch. His heart was racing, and if he weren’t so immersed in what was currently happening he’d feel pathetic. He was used to feeling a lot of different ways during sex. Some bad and some good. But it was never quite like this. And they hadn’t even really done much of anything. Not yet. Hearing Miles say his name encouraged him enough to begin to tug the other’s slacks down his legs carefully. Eyes running over his body, Nick’s right hand found itself splayed across his friends stomach, fingertips slowly inching downwards, toying with the waist band of his underwear before beginning to bravely slide his hand under the fabric. The sloppy kisses against his neck only made him want this more, and he hummed under his breath at the sensation before angling his head for another kiss.

Miles could feel Nick's heart beating at a similar pace as his own. It was a comfort to know that Nick was probably thinking a lot of the same things right now, though Miles would kill to know exactly what was going through his mind. If it was similar to Miles' own nervousness and excitement and slight fear all rolled into one, though, he knew that he wanted to help him somehow, and the only way he could think to do that was by slowly brushing one of his hands all the way up Nick's arm and ending up in his shoulder, leaving it there, mirroring how Nick had been a comfort to him just a short time ago — only then they hadn't been half naked and going at it, but still. Miles paused when his clothes continued to come off, and let his head fall back the moment he felt Nick's hand on him, finally. "Fuck, Nick," he blurted without thinking about it. It was weird to him, how it could be so strange but so right at the same time, because he trusted Nick with everything he had, and yet he was still nervous, unlike how he'd been with Lily or anyone else he'd ever encountered. Nick was different in every sense of the word. Miles groaned approvingly before raising his head to meet Nick's lips once again. Still unable to contain his downright desperation, Miles pushed his hips up once again into his hand. One hand remained firmly clasped on Nick's shoulder while the other came to rest on his waist. He hooked his finger through a belt loop on Nick's pants and tugged on them a bit. He wasn't about to be the only one falling apart at the seams here.

Nick tried to relax as Miles' hand ran up to his shoulder. This was only Miles, he tried to tell himself. But therein lied the problem. If it were anyone else, he wouldn't be nervous. But if it were anyone else, he wouldn't want this as bad. The way his friend said his name definitely spurred him on, though, and he couldn't help but eagerly press their lips together again. Nick's fingers wrapped around Miles' loosely at first, a million things racing through his head. He was touching his best friends dick, and he was sure there was about a thousand things wrong with that concept, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He let out a small groan in return when he felt Miles' tug on his belt. And with his free hand, he reached down to assist him, trying to take off his own belt the best he could.

Miles didn't know if he should be more calm about the fact that this was someone he knew so well. It was a lot more nerve wracking instead, which was strange in a way. But he didn't really want to spend too much time thinking about it. He tried to focus on removing Nick's belt like he wanted to, but there were a hundred things going through his mind at once. He rocked his hips up steadily while attempting not to break the kiss. He finally removed his hand from Nick's shoulder so both could focus on the belt and throwing it to the floor with the rest of their discarded clothes. This was so wrong on so many levels, he kept thinking to himself, but that didn't stop him from pulling away from the kiss to look down and unbutton and unzip Nick's pants with fumbling hands, moving faster than his brain could keep up. He shoved them down as far as he could from his position, desperation taking over completely. He tugged on Nick's arm so that he could make space to pull Nick's body flush against his again instead. Wanting to keep his hands busy, he had one on the small of Nick's back, pulling him closer as he rocked up into him again, his other hand grabbing the first thing he could find: Nick's hand. He found himself entwining their fingers without thinking twice about it, raising their hands up above his head to rest on the seat under him. It just felt like something he should do, so he did it, because clearly there was no time for rational thinking here.

Nick felt like everything was happening too fast and too slow at the same time. He could feel Miles' hands all over his body; leaving his skin feeling hot. The second the other man helped him push down his jeans and pressed closer to him, he was gone. His fingers curled around Miles' own without a second thought, leaving their hands clasped on the seat below them. With his other hand, he slid it out from under Miles' underwear only to try to push them down. Chest heaving slightly, he leaned back to look at his friend for just a moment, before completely making up his mind and leaning back down to trail kisses downward. There was no going back now.

Miles felt...different when it was over. It wasn't a bad feeling, but it wasn't particularly good, either. He just felt weird. Off. He took a few moments to catch his breath before it really hit him what had just happened, that he'd slept with his best friend in the back of a car — his stepdad's car, at that. He didn't know what to make of it. Before he knew it, he and Nick had silently moved away from each other and were working on sorting through their previously removed clothes. Miles was already trying to block it out, all the things he had said. He couldn't tell if his face was just flushed because of the physical exertion or the fact that he'd said "You don't know how many times I've thought about this" in Nick's ear at some point. He shuddered at the thought, suddenly moving way quicker to shove his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and fix all the buttons. He glanced over at Nick, who suddenly felt miles apart from him, and swallowed, his dry throat stinging as he did. "I-I don't..." He wanted to say something, anything, to break the tension, but he didn't know where to start. "We should get back inside," he finally blurted without even thinking about it. He immediately felt stupid for saying it, though, because going back in together looking like this would surely raise questions. And besides, Miles couldn't even look him in the eye.

Nick knew it hadn't been a mistake to go through with it. He knew it wasn't a mistake that he'd wanted him. But when it was over, it sure felt like one. The whole thing felt good; better than he thought he'd felt in a long time. And afterward, they'd even had a few short lived moments of peace. But they were just that. Short lived. Soon, they were both pulling on their clothes in complete silence. Nick couldn't bring himself to even look at him, and judging by the coldness he felt from the others end, he knew Miles was probably having the same issue. "You go." He cleared his threat and tried to sound natural, even though he wasn't fooling anybody. "I have to go home. Check on Murphy." It was a complete excuse, and Nick felt dirty for it. Guilty. But what else was he supposed to do? Go inside and pretend like nothing ever happened? He couldn't do that, because both of them knew something did happen. And this time, it wouldn't be as easy to brush off as a kiss was. "I'll see you later though, yeah?" He said numbly, buttoning up his shirt. He almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic his words sounded to his own ears. Almost. "You can tell me how the reception was."

Miles's blush deepened and he looked back down again, fixing his pants and trying to look presentable enough to go back inside. He knew Nick was right that he should go. This had been a bad choice and now they were going to have to face it — but this was the worst time in the world, because Miles still had an entire wedding reception to sit through. He picked up his jacket and slung it over his arm instead of putting it on, then leaned into the front seat to retrieve his phone and Greg's keys. He didn't know what else to say. He kept avoiding eye contact while he opened the door and climbed out. The air hit him and was almost dizzying after being stuck in the car for so long. At Nick's statement about seeing him later, Miles froze. He didn't even know how to respond to that. When would he actually see him again? "Okay," was all he said in response, because there was nothing else he could say. All he knew now was that he wanted to be away from Nick, as bad as that sounded, at least for now. He wanted extended family members to buy him drinks until he couldn't see straight, and he wanted to try and be happy for his mom. He looked at Nick, thinking he should say something else but not quite knowing what, before simply turning on his heel and heading back toward the building to go inside. He had to put on a show now, had to face his mom on her special day, feeling something indescribable the whole time. He didn't regret it. But he still knew they shouldn't have done it.

Nick could feel the tension between them grow with every passing moment. While just moments ago, they'd been on the same page, now it's like they were strangers. Briefly, he felt Miles look at him, but he couldn't quite bring himself to look back. Nodding, mostly to himself, he finished dressing and stepped out of the car. His own car keys and other items were still stuffed deep in his pockets, and he had to rifle around until he found his keys, but as soon as he did he was off in search of his own car. He had no reason to stay.

[travelingthroughnightmares]

How I Met Your Mother

I read something about the HIMYM finale the other day that I had never considered before. The finale was terrible, there’s no doubt about that, and you and I always bristled (justifiably, and as many others do) at the fact that they had spent the whole season building up Tracy as Ted’s soulmate only to kill her off in the last episode so Ted had an excuse to reunite with Robin. I still think, from a storytelling perspective, that this was a terrible decision, especially once you consider how much work they had dedicated in the previous seasons to showing us that Ted and Robin really weren’t right for each other. I mean, there’s the whole argument that throughout the entire series, Ted has been shown to be an unreliable narrator, and the whole “Robin’s not right for me; Tracy is the perfect girl,” motif may have been exaggerated because older Ted is trying really hard to convince his kids that the story really has been about the mother the whole time… but that’s a purely theoretical (though admittedly supportable) interpretation.

That being said, there’s another detail about Tracy that most people (us included) don’t really give a lot of thought to. We were all so taken by how perfect she was for Ted that I think many of us glossed over the fact that before she met Ted, Tracy was in a relationship with a guy named Max, who she believed to be the love of her life. His death, if you recall, is the inciting incident that kicks off the whole “How Your Mother Met Me” episode, and indeed, much of the episode is dedicated to Tracy finding the courage to allow herself to love again. With Ted being the main character in our minds, we interpreted everything about Tracy (her quirks, her interests, her sense of humor) in relation to how perfect she is for him, and in doing so, we kind of discounted her entire story and the hell she must have gone through to get to a point where she was prepared to meet Ted. That’s not entirely our fault—up to that point, we’d spent 10 seasons with Ted and all of 1 episode with Tracy—but it’s yet another demonstration of how our interpretation of events depends so much on who’s perspective we’re understanding it from.

The craziest thing is that one of the biggest themes of HIMYM is precisely that message! We’re constantly being shown the same events from the different perspectives, to the point where we even have the same character offering different perspectives from two different time periods (younger Ted and older Ted). Stella leaving Ted at the altar practically beat us over the head with that motif—we were so conscious of the possibility that Robin might ruin the wedding we didn’t even consider Stella’s ex-husband showing up and making her realize she belonged with him the whole time. But at the same time, I don’t think the message behind that episode was, “Hey, you all ought to have considered the possibility that Stella’s ex-husband would ruin the wedding.” It was expected and designed to catch us off guard, perhaps to show us that it’s hard enough to make meaning from the way we interpret things from our own perspective. To constantly consider the world from another perspective in addition to our own is, perhaps, too great of a responsibility for us to shoulder. Especially if ours is one with which we are struggling.

On top of this, when I reflect on the season 7 finale (the one where Ted drives off into the sunset with Victoria), it also occurs to me that even when we are able to hold someone else’s perspective alongside our own, theirs will invariably exist on a lower rung. Ted has a moment—this one moment of clarity and selflessness—where he decides he can’t run away with Victoria because he remembers what it was like to be left at the altar. For one brief moment, he cannot envision doing to Klaus what Stella’s ex-husband did to him. So he does what he knows in his heart is right—he turns the car around and takes Victoria back to her wedding. Ultimately, though, Ted doesn’t love Klaus. He loves (or believes he loves) Victoria. He drives past the church. He drives into the sunset. We are left to wonder if this means that Victoria really is the mother after all. It isn’t until the next season that we find out that Ted doesn’t truly love Victoria in the fullest sense of the word. He can’t sacrifice Robin for her. And Victoria knows this, which is why her last words to Ted are, “I really hope you get her someday.” Does this change our perspective on Ted’s decision to drive into the sunset with Victoria at the end of the previous season? I think it depends on how we look at it. You could argue that in order to justify making that kind of decision, he ought to have been sure that Victoria was the one. You could also argue that he didn’t exactly have enough time to figure that out and so he made the decision based on the chance that Victoria could be the one. You could further argue that at that point, the writers simply had no idea whether the show would be renewed for another season and so wanted to make sure there was, no matter what, a “mother” in place in case they had to bring the show to a swift conclusion (<--the likely explanation, but one that deals more with the metanarrative than the narrative itself). In the end, though, I think the point remains that regardless of how often we’re shown events from other people’s perspectives, Ted being the narrator and “hero” of the show invariably drives us to understand the events and the people around him in relation to how they affect his life.

Thus, while our inability to truly appreciate Tracy’s struggle with her dead ex-boyfriend isn’t something to be commended, I think it is at least something for which we have to forgive ourselves. Even the title suggests that the episode is meant to be understood in relation to Ted—after all, there is a difference between “How I Met Your Father,” and “How Your Mother Met Me.” Granted, naming the episode “How I Met Your Father” would necessitate that Tracy is alive and well in the present day to narrate the story, which, according to canon, is not the case. Nonetheless, if we take the time to consider and appreciate the fact that Tracy had been very much in love with someone she believed to be her soulmate before she met Ted, it casts a different light on her own death, and perhaps offers an alternative explanation for why Ted is telling his kids the whole story of how he met Tracy in the first place.

I’m thinking now that one of the most poignant scenes in the whole series is the one where Tracy goes out onto the front porch of the beach house, looks up into the night sky, and asks Max for his permission to move on from him. It’s been eight years since his death, and the more I think about it, the more I’m wondering if this was the only other real example of true love in the show besides Marshall and Lily. Because for Tracy to have held onto Max in her heart for eight years—for her to look to him for guidance, even after all that time—I don’t think she would have done that unless she believed her heart truly did belong to him and him alone. Even if the gust of wind she interprets as his permission for her to love again is something she made up in her heart, I think it’s telling that she has to understand it as a sign from him.

It’s strange that I started off this essay talking about how terrible an ending it was for Tracy to die and for Ted to go back to Robin. This is why writing things out sometimes makes us reconsider our ideas about them. Because now I’m thinking, maybe that ending wasn’t quite as bad as we thought. Maybe the ending was exactly what it needed to be and the problem actually lies in a lot of the stuff that preceded it. It was definitely set up poorly from a storytelling perspective; I will probably stick to that forever because I think it’s a clear fact. But I think about all the things that Tracy says in light of Max’s death—things like, “I’m on permanent hiatus from the love department,” or “I guess I’m old fashioned. I believe that each of us only gets one, and I got mine already.” It occurs to me that nobody else in the show (except perhaps Marshall and Lily) ever talks about their significant others like that. Even when she meets the dude she eventually dates immediately before meeting Ted, she refers to finding Max like winning the lottery and she adds, “I’m pretty sure I’m never going to win again. Not like that anyway.” So as morbid as this sounds, maybe her death was exactly what needed to happen after all. Maybe, in the end, everyone gets to be with the person they truly love. I think people are mad at the way Ted goes back to Robin because it contradicts the idea that Ted and Tracy were “meant” for each other. In truth, Tracy belied that notion long before she and Ted ever met.