#anyways instagram and tiktok therapists kill me

[likeabxrdinflight]

too many social media therapists out there like "wooo I don't believe in ~medical diagnosis~" as if insurance companies don't blanket refuse to pay for treatment without one

"I don't believe in dsm" bitch then what are you billing for? that's cute if all your patients are wealthy white folks who can pay for shit out of pocket and don't need a diagnosis, but some of us work within systems that require it. whether or not you ~believe~ in diagnosis is fucking irrelevant.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing difficulties recently. I'm sending all my love and light your way and hope you start to feel a little less shitty soon.

P.s - Do you mind sharing your tiktok so we can follow you there too? Or is it a private acc?

Lots of love to you <3

It's not private! It's just not updated very often. Overall I'm more active on Instagram. But neither are private. The Tiktok is very art-focused so it might not be what you're looking for. But it's also pretty harmless overall.

And thank you anon <3

The last few days I had to stop writing and like...quickly redo my schedule for December and cut it back a little, which always makes me sad, but I'm trying to conserve my mental health as well as my physical. I realised I met all the criteria for a pretty serious depressive episode late last week (I have, alongside severe PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, which is the one that will kill me if I don't keep an eye on it -> though I'm happy to report I'm not like in a very like 'I don't want to live' space right now, I can just tell I'm feeling / experiencing a lot of the red flags that go in that direction), and if I don't act now, that tends to lead to pretty bad places.

So I've redone the schedule for December and that will come out likely on Friday or Saturday. And then I'll only be posting during January for half of the month, and not the whole month, and taking off two weeks re: posting. Hopefully these are the sorts of things which will head off me needing to go into hiatus because I desperately don't want to do that <3

I can already tell I'm doing a little better after being a lot firmer with some boundaries, and also just...with myself re: taking more time off. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about it? But that's not anyone's fault here, that's shit to work on with my therapist/s, lol.

Today I spent around 3 hours researching a response to an ask (whoops), and then realised - not through any one person's actions but a bunch at once - that I need to kind of stop engaging with facecast stuff (nothing wrong with facecasting, the problem is wholly on me there and I wish I'd seen that sooner and saved people some pain and saved me from some rudeness).

I put away the shopping (we have a really good grocery delivery system here which is great for my disabilities etc.), and had some raspberries, and put on the Christmas tree lights.

I was so tired at lunch that I could only manage a bowl of cereal (and couldn't eat breakfast. I think my therapist would be like 'why are you putting three hours of research into responding to something instead of focusing on eating food' but well, whoops? Lol. To be fair I thought it would be way easier to answer, but Tumblr's search function is SO broken).

I fed my wonderful cat, Maybe, and got some sleep in the afternoon and then did some writing (1,200 words) on Palmarosa. It's like 7.00pm right now, and I'm going to put up some chapter commentaries on Patreon and Ream.

Tonight I might do some watercolour art, and I'm hoping to finish Palmarosa tomorrow.

December is actually a hard time of year for me anyway. It's the month that has the most chronological / time-based triggers, and my therapists know this and I'm hearing a lot of 'how are you in the lead up to December' which is about to become 'how are you coping with December.'

I'm grateful for small pleasures. Like my dahlias are looking pretty awesome right now. Here's some photos of this week (some art I'm working on, Maybe being cute, or screm, dahlia, Christmas set up, T-Rex ornament, Santa Platypus ornament):

[rottingdotcom]

so I've had a few majorly traumatic experiences in my life

mainly three, two contributed to my c-ptsd and the other gave me regular single event PTSD

first one was the years of elementary school where I got locked in sensory deprivation in my public elementary school special needs room but whatever that ain't really what this is for

Uhhh the other was medical trauma in 2019 where an Anesthesiologist fucked up my foot

But the big thing I'm using this space for is meeting.. uhh imma call him by his ironically accurate username.. Doofus

We met at a con in May 2022, started going out together, and then I moved states in July 2022.. and then about a week into moving away he broke up with me in a very explosive way and sent his friends after me

His friends told me to kill myself, cut myself etc. and I guess he defended it idk I don't really remember at this point

I have screenshots of everything and all conversations related to the shit show

Well

I tried to move on from it but it was hella traumatizing so it fucked with my head for a while and blah blah therapist diagnosed me with PTSD and C-PTSD and all that

Well anyways I saw him again at the same con but in 2023 and I had a huge PTSD attack with a full shutdown and non verbal and all that mess lol

And then he found my group's insta and I realized oh wow this guy actually has a major following on tiktok and.. a lot of young teens really enjoy his content wowie

Oh what's that? He posts gore art and talks about weird shit on his Instagram where 1,000 of his 2,000 followers are minors??

Oh yeah? He also has been publicly flirting with a then 16 year old now 17 year nonbinary furry?? At age 18??

Oh and now that minor is following his private NSFW account?? Wowie that's a lot of weird shit my guy

Oh and then when I saw him again at a different con in the same place this year I didn't freeze but instead actually fucking talked to people in the group and had fun?? AND WAS OPEN ABOUT MY GENDER AND SEXUALITY INSTEAD OF HIDING IT??

Oh and then after that he starts PUBLICLY ROLEPLAYING A PREGNANCY WITH THAT MINOR FROM EARLIER??

Oh buddy that's a really weird thing to do, huh??

Oh AND THEN WHEN I SEE HIM AGAIN AT THAT CON IN 2024

HE'S SCARED OF ME?? LIKE BRO??

Well anyways.. yeah he's just gotten weirder and weirder and he seems to be genuinely frightened of me now so that's epic awesomesauce I guess

So that's kinda my story lol

[excandescentia]

I'm just done with everything. I'm 18, I should turn 19 later this year but to tell you the truth I don't think I'll reach that age. I've been told by my therapist and my psychiatrist that I've been a victim of severe depression and anxiety from the tender age of 6, my heart aches when I think about the fact that my life was never easy. I just want to give it all up but I can't do it today, even though I have tried and almost did it but now I'm left with a racing heart (hopefully a heart attack will come soon), the reason I can't do this today is because my sister is getting married in two days, how can I get all the attention on my dead self? I'm not selfish, I just want her to enjoy her day and then I can go, there's nothing keeping me here.

Family? Hell no. My mom always told me she won't be proud of me because I don't like boys, and unless I get married and have kids she will resent me, I even got so beaten up that my wounds started bleeding and I was left with so many bruises but not a lot of people know this. My sisters? Two of them are homophobes and much older than me, wouldn't understand. The other one is supportive but she showed mom some texts of me trying to get help when she was beating me up. My dad? He loves alcohol more than his family, I know mom wasn't the best but I can't stand that bastard calling her a whore and beating her up, this is why I punched him and he told me to go change my name and that he won't support me through college. College was my only escape, I was supposed to start in one month, but now I'm not allowed to go anymore. I'm zero in their eyes.

A lover? We broke up not too long ago, I'd rather know she hates me than knowing she will suffer because I'll be gone. We've been together on and off for almost two years, went through a lot of shit but loved each other dearly even though she cheated on me once. See? Even in the eyes of the girl I gave my heart and soul to I wasn't so important, I posted a story for my close friends list on instagram, saying that the clock is ticking and I'll be gone soon. I haven't mentioned the fact that I took a bunch of pills to get it done. Did not work, so sadly I had to notice the fact that she saw my stories and probably said to herself that I'm seeking attention, she posted a tiktok on her story right after.. I know I want her to hate me so she doesn't have to suffer, but it's kind of making me miserable.

Friends? I used to have such close friends, and I lost them all back in october after a stupid fight. So almost a year of not having friends. They must've found an excuse to go anyway.

You? Perhaps you.. but I don't think so. Are you still here, reading? I think you scrolled past this because it was way too long and I'm just a big cry-baby.

Myself.. I hate myself and my existence way too much, why would I stay here for myself?

My main distraction is playing league of legends match after match for hours and hours, nobody will talk to me except the players that tell me I suck and I should delete the game and kill myself, I guess we're kinda on the same page about that though..

What else.. what else? My cats and my dogs, the weird thing is my cat actually jumped on the bed as I was writing this sentence. Yes lil bud, maybe I should stay a little more so you won't be sad because I'm gone.. they're the only ones that truly love me.