#anyways i'm coping in beautiful ways and you can tell | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neowinestainedress · 2 years

Text

close as strangers | jeong jaehyun

title: close as strangers

pairing: jeong jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: childhood friends to strangers to friends, college!au, fluff, angst | requested

warnings: angst

summary: something breaks between you and Jaehyun when he starts dating the one who seems to be the love of his life. And you’re not sure you can cope with him slowly pushing you out of his life.

words: 7.446k

a/n: can't believe I finally wrote another one of the requests I got, the others will come out, I promise. I'm not sure it's exactly what the requester wanted (probably it's not sad enough, idk??) but I hope you'll like it anyway. Please let me know what you think with comments, reblogs or even asks!

“I’m not being annoying, I’m telling the truth,” you huff when Jaehyun pushes you away with a playful tug and calls you annoying for the nthtime.

“I’m not a loser, I have never been,” he replies, crossing his arms on his chest, and staring straight in front of him, trying to ignore you.

“Oh, please,” you roll your eyes, jumping on top of him and pulling his cheeks, moving his face side to side.

“Ouch, ouch,” he hisses, trying to pull away from your hold, but you only laugh and think that he looks so cute with his red cheeks, soft brown hair falling delicately on his forehead and beautiful eyes. “Stop it, fine, fine, I’m a loser.”

You cheer, happy about your victory but don’t move away from him. To strangers’ eyes it should be weird but for you two it’s only normal. You can’t even remember a moment when Jaehyun wasn’t by your side after you became best friends in kindergarten.

“I’m always right,” you quip, kissing his still red cheeks.

“She looked intimidating, I’m not like this anymore,” he defends himself again, and you find it entertaining. “You can’t call me a loser because my first crush was a failure. It’s been years.”

You shake your head, “I give it to you that she was too beautiful to even look at you,” you joke and at that he playfully hits your arm, only making you chuckle. “You were a loser in a cute kind of way. And you still act the same.”

Jaehyun huffs, shaking his head and gesturing for you to get off him. “See, you are annoying.”

You smile, silently following him into the kitchen, watching as he grabs a drink from the fridge and hands one to you. “So annoying I’m not even sure I can confess something to you.”

A furrow forms on your face, studying him with your tilted head. “Confess?”

“Yeah,” he says and when he meets your eyes his face blushes even more, “God, no, don’t think what you’re thinking, I don’t love you.”

“Oh, thank god,” you reply, but your heart doesn’t feel as light as your voice coming out of your lips. You hate it, or maybe you hate the way he says it, as if it would be so weird for him to love you. But you’re quick at shaking those thoughts out of your brain, at least for now. “So what is it?”

Jaehyun sighs, scratching his neck before nodding at the drink in your head, “You don’t want it?”

You gulp, you’d need it, but you’re not sure you’ll love whatever news he will drop and you’d like to avoid spitting it on his face. “No, sorry.”

He shrugs, grabbing it from your hand, and the light touch sends shivers down your skin.

“So, there’s this girl…”

There’s this girl…

Unfortunately, there’s this girl. Unfortunately, Jaehyun is head over heels for her.

He’s a loser, or maybe even more. So much that he gets annoying and you can’t stand him.

There should be nothing wrong with it, you should live this like any other of his crush, or relationships, but something inside of you is not letting it happen. You blame it on the fact he always talks about her, bringing her into every conversation even when she’s got nothing to do with it. You can’t see that you’re blinded by a feeling you never even imagined feeling.

Jaehyun is your best friend, nothing less, nothing more.

But apparently, your heart stopped seeing him this way a long time ago.

“I hate this class with a burning passion,” Jaehyun huffs, throwing away the pen he’s writing with as if he could throw away the headache that’s torturing him while he’s uselessly trying to memorize everything he needs for the exam.

You chuckle, lifting your eyes for a split second to look at him, grey hoodie over his hair and pissed-off expression staring at you as if you’re an alien for understanding everything so easily.

“I envy you so much, you’re so smart,” he complains again, drifting his gaze because the more he looks at you the madder he gets.

Your eyes roll back. “I’m not smart, lately all your blood is flowing in your pants, that’s why you can’t understand anything about uni lessons anymore.”

He glares at you. “Shut up, we didn’t even fuck.”

“Us?”

“Me and her,” he almost screams, staring at you with wide eyes. “Don’t make weird assumptions about us.”

You bite your lip, but not enough that you can stop yourself from asking a question you shouldn’t ask. “You wouldn’t?”

Jaehyun blinks repeatedly, staring at you with a furrow on his face. “Would, what?”

“Fuck with me.”

He scoffs, shaking his head, “Are you serious? Of course, I wouldn’t, we’re best friends.”

“Well, there are a lot of best friends that do it.” You know you’re shocking him with every word, you can see it in his wide-open eyes and mouth, but you can’t stop. It shouldn’t, but it is hurting your pride.

“Not us,” he replies as if it is obvious, it should be obvious, at least, and he doesn’t understand what had taken over you today. “Why would we?”

“I’m not saying we have to,” you whisper, tapping your shoes against the floor. “But you know, it can happen.”

Jaehyun laughs, “Sex never happens. It’s not some kind of fatality.”

“When you’re drunk?”

“Oh, yeah, depending on how drunk you are that falls into assault actually.”

You roll your eyes, “You know what I meant, just enough that you… you know what is happening but not enough to think about the consequences.”

“Yeah, that’s why we make sure to never cross that line when we drink, because we won’t let it happen.”

You hold back a bitter laugh, “You’re talking as if I’m the ugliest person you have ever seen.”

“I didn’t say that, you’re beautiful, you know I think that. I even think you can be hot when you want to,” he laughs, surely referring to your personal struggles of stepping out of certain comfort zones but you don’t find it funny. “Come on, you know I’m saying I won’t because we’re best friends, I’ve known you since you eat stick glue and the teachers wouldn’t let you close to them.”

You ignore his recall of that fun memory and go straight to the point, brain completely fogged by your hurt pride, rationality gone. “What if we weren’t?”

“But we are.”

“What if we weren’t?”

Jaehyun chuckles, at this point his laugh is awkward, and he hates he can’t seem to find any sign of a joke in your eyes. “Yes…” he answers hesitantly, and you don’t know if he means it or if it’s because he wants to make you happy and fool.

But you don’t press him anymore, after all, it doesn’t matter, you are best friends, and you can’t turn back time and change the events that lead you there right now, so you bring your attention back to the books.

“I can help you with what you don’t understand, I’m here for that,” you say.

“Are you mad? I genuinely think you’re beautiful, you know it. I just don’t want to lose you with sex.”

“I know, I agree, it got nothing to do with you, actually. Sorry, a bit of paranoia for a dick absence of six months,” you lie, blaming it on your lack of activity in bed would’ve dusted off that awkward moment you were going to reply in your brain for months probably. And Jaehyun believes it, an expression full of pity forming on his face and the same usual ‘your value doesn’t come from men wanting you,’ and you know, it might not come from men but from him? It does.

But it’s fine like this, at least with that lie you’re sure you didn’t scare him off, and when you propose to stay for dinner he doesn’t run away but helps you with that. It’s just you and him, like it had always been, only with a fire inside of you that you never wanted to light up, and you know it will burn you.

“You need to fix this room,” Jaehyun jokes, his breath puffing against your hair while you’re lying in your bed.

“Leave me alone, I’ve been sad lately,” you pout, rolling your body and hiding your face in the crook of his neck, his scent filling your senses.

“I can help you if you want,” he replies, caressing your back in circles.

“With my sadness?” You lift your neck to stare at him, finding him looking at you.

“With your room,” he shrugs.

You let out a whine, groaning while you pull away from his hold against your will. You like being there, embraced in his warmth. Jaehyun feels familiar, he always had, even before he actually was. And now you need to lull yourself into that feeling more than ever. But as you look around and see the state of your bedroom you realize he’s not wrong.

“You know how you could help?” You say, jumping around and facing him.

Jaehyun smiles, sitting up straight and leaning in. He’s so close to you that you can only see his eyes while all the rest fades away. “With a kiss?”

Your heart starts throbbing and you’re sure the temperature of your skin is rising, but you try to hide the dumb smile that’s forming on your face. You don’t answer, only melt on the spot when his lips meet your skin, pressing against your cheek with a loud sound.

“Fixed,” he giggles, caressing your cheek, ear and hair in a move he had always done since you were kids, the only difference was that now his hand cupped half of your face with ease. “Better?”

You hum, smiling but feeling another sting in your chest. You hopeful, hopeful girl wishing he would’ve kissed your lips instead.

“I wanted to propose to go buy groceries, by the way,” you chuckle, pulling the sleeves of your sweater over your hands.

Jaehyun laughs, shaking his head. “Yeah, your weird second sadness fixing.”

“Hey!” You yell, faking an offended grin on your face and he only pulls out his tongue before jumping in front of the closet and opening the doors. You don’t have time to tell him to stop that he’s crushed by a mass of clothes, and you’d like to be mad about it but when he sits on the floor with clothes all over him and glares at you, you can only laugh.

“It’s funny? I could’ve been killed and you’re laughing,” he jokes, scrolling the clothes off him and reaching you, starting to tickle you. “God, I’m a loser but you are so messy.”

“Stop, you will kill me,” you cry when his fingers are still torturing you, and only when you kiss his cheek he stops. “I’m sorry, I tried to warn you but you were too fast.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, letting out a sigh before a nervous laugh rolls out of his lips when he sees the mess in the room. “Now we will have to fix this, you know?”

You hum, hugging him, resting your chin on his shoulder. “It won’t take long if we’re two.”

“You did it on purpose, didn’t you?”

“You decided to open my closet, and for what?”

“I wanted to pick your clothes,” he whines, grabbing a handful of clothes and placing them on the bed to fold them. “Remember we used to do it?”

You laugh, doing the same and facing him on the other side. “When we had to go somewhere together and we wanted to have the same vibes, not to go buy some bread.”

“When aren’t we together?” He asks, staring at you with a superior grin.

“Fine, you’re right,” you give up, not able to hide the smile on your face. “But it wasn’t a sabotaging program from me.”

After half an hour the clothes are back at their place, this time folded and placed so they won’t fall on whoever dares to open the doors. And Jaehyun is waiting for you to change into the clothes he picked.

“All black because I have to match you?” You ask, looking at what he chose.

“Of course,” he shrugs, sitting on the bed, waiting for you to change into the new clothes. “Where are you going?” He asks when you start making your way to the door.

“Bathroom? I have to change?”

He chuckles before a furrow forms on his face when you stare at him with a serious expression, “We never changed in another room.”

“Yeah, but you’re dating now, or sort of.”

“Sort of,” he says, shaking his head to move back the hair that covers his eyes. “Come on, we always did that, even when one of us was dating.”

You hum, walking back toward the bed, placing the clothes on the soft duvet to get rid of the ones you’re already wearing. Jaehyun is right, you’ve always done it. Things like this, so intimate, so private, always happened between you two without a glint of embarrassment. But now it’s different. Now that your fingers slowly grip the hem of your sweater to pull it over your head, you feel as if he’s eyes are burning into your skin. You know he’s not looking at you in a different way, but you wish he did. You wish he would stand up and stand close to you, letting the sweater fall at your feet, while his broad body presses against you, slowly trapping you between him and the wall before he kisses you as if he waited all his life for that moment.

But it doesn’t happen. He never waited for that moment to happen, you did, probably, without realizing, thinking that this, the beautiful relationship you had, was going to turn into something different. But when you’re out of the sweater, it doesn’t fall at your feet, and your back is not pressing against the wall, and the humiliation of the thought that crossed your mind makes you dress once again quickly.

“Should we get something for dinner,” he proposes when you’re almost done with the shopping, cart half-full.

“Are you staying?”

“You don’t want me anymore?” He pretends to be offended, staring at you with wide eyes and a hand on his chest.

You roll your eyes, “Okay drama queen, let’s choose something and then let’s go, you need to help me with all these things.”

“See, you only use me for my muscles,” he pouts, pushing the cart, and purposefully hitting you with a swing of the hip.

“I’m sorry I don’t have any other strong man like you in my life,” you mimic in a silly voice, fanning yourself and resting your head on his shoulder.

“Though I was a loser,” he grins, looking down at you.

“Oh, you are.”

The evening proceeds as usual for you two, he helps you put things back in place, you spend a good ten minutes bickering over what you should choose to eat for dinner (as if the fight at the shop wasn’t enough), and then you settle down on the couch to eat while watching one of your favorite series, one of the few things you don’t even take a second to decide. Your head rests against his shoulder when you’re not eating or commenting on something, and his arms stay wrapped around your shoulder for the whole time.

It feels like home.

Jaehyun knows exactly where to throw the things you used, he even washes the dishes while you go wash up and then you switch places, drying them while he does what you just did. He even knows where you keep the blankets so you could lay back on the couch comfortably.

And that’s how you fall asleep, with Jaehyun’s arms wrapped around your waist and his chin resting on your head, squeezing into the small couch because sleep took over you before you could even think of dragging your tired legs to your bedroom. Netflix is still running, playing more episodes before it goes on standby and the night is quiet outside while you lull into each other.

It feels like home.

The bubble that you and Jaehyun lived in is menacing to burst. You don’t want to be a hater, but every time he talks about her you feel your insides turn upside down.

You think that meeting her will soothe you down a little, that maybe you can find something in her that it’s not as amazing as Jaehyun says to be, something he hates but he didn’t see, too focused in the rush of the moment.

But when you meet her, your last hope falls apart.

Of course, Jaehyun is head over heels for her.

Not only she is objectively beautiful, funny and smart, but she’s everything he ever wanted.

You know his type, thanks to all the nights up spent talking about love and the other kids in your classes, from the silly, meaningless flings in elementary school, until now. His type never changed a lot, and now that you look back at it, and stare at her in silence, you realize you never fit in the box.

Yes, you’re beautiful, funny, and smart, but not in the same way she is, not in the way Jaehyun wants.

If you had to place her and yourself on a line, you would be on the far opposite ends.

“So, how did you meet?” You ask, even if you already know it, but you need to fill the silence while Jaehyun left you two alone to get in line to grab the food, and somehow you don’t want to know more about her.

She smiles at you, teeth so perfect that you wonder how they aren’t fake and then says, “It was a coincidence, you know those cliché types of meeting in movies?” You nod, playing with the napkin at your side. “We run into each other while we were both running late for the bus, we never caught it but we met each other. Destiny is great sometimes.”

You nod, mumbling ‘sure,’ forcing yourself to be happier about it. Because if he’s happy, you’re happy and vice versa, that’s how it always worked in your friendship. But right now you can’t be happy about anything, you can’t do anything but feel a lump in your throat when Jaehyun comes back and leaves a small peck on her forehead while placing the food in front of her but doesn’t do the same with you. He would’ve had. He used to be so physical with you and now you feel like you can’t even remember what a hug feels like.

But you swallow the gulp in your throat and try to make conversation, trying not to hate her because she doesn’t deserve it. Because now you know that even if you went back in time and changed things, Jaehyun wouldn’t have looked at you anyway. He probably wouldn’t have even looked at you like a friend, so this was the best you could get.

This was a dream. The same dream that was before, only with a stinging pain in your chest.

Somewhere along the line, it turns into a nightmare. It’s not when you realize that this is meant to be, that they are not a temporary story bound to break but something meant to last. After six months Jaehyun still looks at her with the same heart-shaped eyes, ears almost perking up like a dog when her name is spoken, and cheeks turning cheesily red every time she looks at him.

And you can only shake your head thinking that he is a loser, and the reason you hate it so much it’s because Jaehyun is not a loser for you.

You are for him. You are a clown, probably, and it’s even worst.

“Where were we when it happened?” You barely register Jaehyun talking to you, too lost in your thoughts, shaking your head to stare at him while your brain works fast to remember what he was talking about.

“Oh, it was the cabin we went to for my eighteenth birthday,” you say, forcing a smile to curl your lips.

“Yeah, right, that place was magical, we should go someday.”

“Oh, yes, that would be great,” you reply, thinking he’s talking to you but when he giggles your smile drops.

“No, honey, me and her,” he says, finger moving back and forth between himself and his girlfriend. “Remember that there was some sort of couples discounts or tours, there was a spa, right?”

You gulp, but push down the burning sensation in your throat it’s hard. “I guess, I don’t remember,” your voice comes out more stern than you want but Jaehyun doesn’t notice, he doesn’t care.

“Maybe I’ll text your mom, she’ll definitely know,” he says before turning to her again.

And you sit there, in silence, fighting back the tears because selfishly you don’t want your memories of your eighteenth birthday to be fogged by their new ones. That was your place, one of the many, and the idea of him going there kills you.

It’s dramatic, it’s stupid, but it’s exactly how you feel.

“I booked two seats at our favorite movie theatre, and you won’t believe it, but the movie we wanted to see it’s in our favorite room and I also got our favorite seats, the magic of the internet,” you cheer happily over the phone, your pc still open on the cinema page with the confirmation of the payment.

“Oh,” you hear Jaehyun from the other side. “For this Friday?”

You hum, still smiling thinking that you finally got to see the sequel you both waited for so long.

“I don’t think I can.”

You furrow. “What do you mean? Friday it’s our cinema night out, we always go there when there are new movies we like. We’ve been waiting for this for years.”

“Yeah, I know but it slipped my mind,” he says. “I have to meet her parents.”

Your jaw falls on the floor. It feels surreal, at this point you’re not even mad because he forgot but he’s going to meet her parents? After eight months?

“You hate meeting parents,” you chuckle, the words coming out of your mouth in a way that’s screaming you can’t believe them.

“Not hers.”

“What do you mean? The only parents you don’t hate are mine.”

“Maybe not anymore,” he sighs, and you can picture him rubbing his chin from the other side of the line. “Listen, she cares about this a lot.”

“I care about it too.”

“A movie over a dinner with my girlfriend’s parents? Please be serious.”

You hate how mocking his voice is, you hate that to him your plans are nothing.

“But I told you this Monday I was going to book them, why couldn’t you postpone it with her?”

“Because her mother proposed, I couldn’t say I couldn’t go because I had to watch a stupid movie.”

You hum, squeezing your eyes shut to push back tears, hoping he couldn’t hear your sniffle.

“Yeah, sure, have fun.” You have to close the call, his words and voice hurting you like thousands of needles against your skin.

You stare blankly at the screen, the map of the theatre still open with the colored seats you had selected and the transaction approved. A small crack forms in your heart when you realise that the night you had planned together wasn’t going to happen.

You get up, closing the laptop, you would’ve checked later if you could’ve got a refund, but now you just wanted to stare at your ceiling and let yourself go to silent tears.

It was just a stupid movie.

If only after a while a lot of things didn’t start to be stupid.

Lunches out at your favorite place during lesson breaks.

Nights up playing video games at your place or watching movies at his.

Even studying together for the exams, or your usual study hangouts to keep up with the lessons, became stupid.

Jaehyun being in love wasn’t painful anymore, but Jaehyun cutting you out of his life was killing you.

If he sat next to you during lessons it felt like a miracle and even then he would talk to you just a little. And you couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t the first time he was in love, and for how serious their story could be, was it necessary to cut you out like that?

You shared every moment together. And you can’t accept this ending like this.

“It’s been a lot since we last have been together,” you say, for a mere coincidence you two are walking together out of the last lesson of the day and he still hasn’t pulled away to go somewhere else, barely even warning you.

“Yeah, I’ve been busy,” Jaehyun replies, head low on his white converse on the ground.

You’ve been ignoring me, you’d like to answer but don’t. Not really in the mood to ruin this moment, it feels normal, like all the days you used to share going everywhere together. There weren’t silly jokes, and your arms weren’t intertwined, but it was better than nothing.

“Why don’t you come to mine this weekend? We don’t have a lot of essays, we could just order take out and spend some time together, like the old times.”

“Yeah, why not,” Jaehyun replies, turning his head to look at you with a smile.

Yeah, the old times.

The ones that are long gone now that you’re sitting on the floor, pillows all around you, your blanket covering your bodies, empty food boxes at your feet and the tv playing a movie not you nor him are paying attention to.

You’re too focused on him and he’s too focused on his phone.

You can see from the smile on his face that he’s texting her, he had been since all night actually. You could barely make a conversation while you were eating, either receiving no answer or syllables as one.

The old times are long gone, and you’re not sure you can live like this.

The decision came to you one night, after hours of crying all your tears while going through your old chats with Jaehyun and scrolling through the pictures you’ve taken together.

You couldn’t live like this anymore.

If he had decided to cut you out of his life, you were going to do the same with him.

But saying it was easier than doing it, and now that you found yourself under the tree you used to wait for him when you had different lessons, you don’t feel so confident about this anymore.

This is worst than confessing, it’s more humiliating because if you did that, he would simply reply that he doesn’t like you back, but saying you need to cut strings with him means that he won’t fight for you. You already know it, it had been written in the last months when he started to slip away from your hold more and more, at first without you even noticing, and now you were there.

“Hey,” he calls your name, and it feels weird on his tongue now, it’s not playfully, it’s not teasing, it’s not full of love, it’s cold and distant, and you hate that his happiness with another person took you there. You can’t blame yourself, because even though the pain, you always supported them, you couldn’t make him pay for not proving something for you, so why was he making you pay for feeling something for somebody else?

“Hey,” you smile back before taking a deep breath, trying to gather the courage to break off the longest-running friendship of your life. But no amount of nights up and preparatory speeches prepared you for this. It’s a crash of words and screams. Jaehyun doesn’t get why you would break your friendship for some ‘no’ and you telling him it wasn’t just that.

“Than what it is? I don’t get it, are you jealous I’m happy?”

“God, no, why would I even be jealous,” you reply with a bitter offended chuckle. Yes, you are jealous, but jealousy is not the thing that is making you do this, you could live with that, you could live watching his eyes light up when he stares at somebody else, you could live hearing her name roll out of his lips so sweetly, you could even live with them being always together, reminding you every second how happy they were. What you can’t live with is the pain his detachment brings along. You can’t do it anymore because now that your head lifts up and you look at him, you can’t recognize the person you grew up with anymore.

“Then can you tell me what’s wrong?” He insists, huffing loudly.

You bite your tongue, you can’t confess, you can’t tell him you love him, you can’t. It’s a secret you want to bring to your tomb, but you slip.

“You do what?”

Your eyes widen when you realize what you said, hands covering your mouth as if you could take it back. And you find yourself thinking that having the power of turning back time would be a great thing. You would’ve used it so much, but you don’t have it, and you’re forced to pay the price for all the stupid mistakes you’re making.

“Nothing.”

“You love me?” He asks before a groan of your name comes out of his mouth to demand an answer you don’t want to give him.

“No, I love you as a friend, and I… I hate that you’re cutting me off,” you lie, lips shaking, eyes full of tears falling freely down your cheeks. It’s pathetic, you can’t even remember the last time you cried in front of him, but it surely wasn’t as humiliating as this. There was no reassurance in his eyes this time, no strong arms to wrap around you and hold you tight while he whispered that everything would’ve been alright, but there was no use for a lie, nothing was going to be alright. It was just an already written mess.

“Don’t lie to me,” he hisses through gritted teeth, and you lower your head, sobbing silently.

“It doesn’t matter,” you scream to the ground, to yourself. No, it doesn’t matter, what you feel doesn’t matter, you don’t matter. To him, you don’t matter, not like you used to for sure.

“It does, that’s why you wanted to know if I would have sex with you?”

You rub your face and shake your head. “No, I… I don’t care, I don’t even want you to love me back. I need us to be done.”

“Because I said no? Because I hang out with my girlfriend? You are jealous, of course, you care.”

“I’m not jealous, I wish I at least still had the same place in your heart, I was your best friend, you loved spending time with me, we were close, we were happy and now, you avoid me. You don’t even sit next to me in class.”

Jaehyun sighs, shaking his head before turning around and walking in a circle. You wish you could read him like you used to do, but you can’t understand if he’s mad or sad, maybe both.

“How you loving me doesn’t come between us?” He asks when it seems he made up his mind.

“It doesn’t, it’s… it’s not even love. I need time alone, Jaehyun,” you sigh, his full name rolling out of your lips hurts. “I’m happy for you, I truly am, but you’re so distant and you’ve never been like this and I can’t take it.”

Another loud sigh comes out of Jaehyun’s lips, the more he stares at you the less he could understand, but he couldn’t blame you for feeling what you felt, you surely didn’t do it on purpose and you hated what you felt more than him probably, considering you were suffering so much to the point of breaking what held you together for so long.

“So what do we do? Ignore each other?”

You sniffle. “You are already ignoring me.”

“I – I’m sorry, maybe I did but I didn’t notice,” he justifies with a slightly offended tone. “I’ve never been better than now, and I don’t want this to change.”

“And that’s fine,” you reply, holding your bag closer to you, “It’s fine but I need you out of my life because like this, with you being half in and half out, I can’t go on. I can’t move, and I… I just hate being this away from you. But it’s fine, as long as you’re happy, I’ll be fine.”

You thought that was going to be liberating but it turned out not to be. Not when Jaehyun was the only one you knew. Sure, you talked around on campus here and there, but the only one you could count on was him. Too afraid to meet people and too tired to open up with them.

Jaehyun already knew everything, in fact, no one else knew you how much Jaehyun did.

And not having him anymore was the worst feeling ever.

It was hard not picking up the phone to tell him something in the heat of the moment, but all your last sent texts with no answer or ‘I’ll watch it later,’ were the awakening you needed to put the phone down and feel your heart sink to your knees. You couldn’t have texted him anyway but the reminder of the last cold months was enough to make you believe it was the right choice.

You had survived a lot of things, with him by your side, you could survive even this, without him.

So you try to concentrate on your studies, hoping all the words will drown you in a sea that is not as acid as the one that your brain drags you into when Jaehyun crosses your mind. And it works, only until you decided that you can’t lose your sanity over books and essays and maybe you should find a better way to cope with this.

It’s not easy, every step you move on your own reminds you of how present Jaehyun has always been in your life. From the silliest things such as studying or buying something you needed, to the biggest and most important steps of your life.

It’s heart-wrenching, really, to imagine your future without him. The graduation you planned won’t be the same, the holiday you longed for so much after that won’t probably even exist, and there won’t be nights up spent together trying to navigate the job world. And when your mind wonders further you realize there will be no wedding day, even when you would’ve found the right person for you, the one that can truly take that place in your heart and push Jaehyun out of there, he won’t be there, by your side, being your man of honor. And you won’t be at his, and now it sounds better like this, but with time, knowing you would’ve moved on from him, it only brings a lingering pain in your chest.

You miss him.

You miss yourself with him.

Because even after a few weeks when you decided to go out, sign in some college clubs to make new friends, and you do, you find a group of people you like, you still can’t be your true self like you were with him. They wouldn’t get you, there are high possibilities they might even find you weird, with your random singing and dancing, and your silly faces to make him laugh, or the started conversation in the middle of another one even if they weren’t related at all. There are so many more sides of you they would never understand. And you can only be yourself in the four walls of your room, but even there, you feel like you’re hard to find.

Time passes by and you feel like you’re doing better. You finally found your place in the world without him, taking time to focus on your passions, your studies, and new people that are slowly making you feel understood.

You barely see Jaehyun anymore, let alone interact with him. When you cross in the corridors or in class you ignore him just as much as he ignores you. Well, at least you try to, because you feel that if you stare for too long you will fall in the same hole you got yourself out of with difficulty.

And you succeed until the holiday approach and you feel just a bit lonelier, you can’t help but think back at the times you spent together, afternoons spent walking around town to see the decorated shops and city’s lights, or drinking hot chocolate together while you studied the last things before the winter break, or how his mother would video call as a coincidence all the time when he was in the bathroom and you two would end up talking more than them.

But you learned how to sigh and shrug those thoughts away, coming to terms with the fact that you will always miss the feeling of home he meant for you.

But it still hurts, not like before, but it’s still there, when your eyes linger on him and his arm wrapped around her in some classes you share, or when you barge into them outside, his head laying against hers, or her eyes looking up at him while her nose scrunches and he kisses that playful pout away.

It’s an annoying type of pain, it’s not even love anymore, or at least you try to convince yourself, it’s like when you feel the need to scratch a part of your body you just can’t scratch, that’s what Jaehyun is, a part you will have to carry with you forever, even if he’s not part of your life anymore, because he will always be a part of you.

But you’re doing fine.

You truly are.

It simply gets heavy at times to carry that dead weight around, but you are light. There’s a bright future waiting for you, and you’re hopeful you won’t be alone with your new friends supporting you and distracting you when sometimes your brain decides to sabotage you.

But you’re still moving on with your life, small steps taking you further on the road every day. Well, that’s it until one morning you open the door to find Jaehyun standing there with his same old brown jacket, ruined shoes and the same, somehow still familiar, face.

“What are you doing here?” Is the only thing your brain manages to formulate, it’s not a harsh question, there’s not even hesitation in your voice, you’re just genuinely surprised.

“Can we talk?” He asks, moving his weight side to side on his feet.

So a few minutes later you are sitting on the couch, a cup of coffee in front of you and silence fills the room with a weird atmosphere. You don’t think it’s awkward, but it’s not even as comfortable as the silence between you two used to be. Anyway, you can’t keep this going for much longer, you’re not used to having him so close, you can still faintly make out his scent that now is surely mixed with hers, and that brings back too many memories you’re not sure you want to revive right there.

“So? Do you need something? Or maybe something happened?”

Jaehyun doesn’t answer right away, he sighs, nervously tapping his feet on the floor and playing with his thumbs before he turns around to look at you.

“I know why you wanted us to stop being friends, and I respect that. I didn’t react in the best way but I was surprised and mad, I won’t lie, I know I pushed you away but back then I still had you, and when you decided to cut me off I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I had to do it,” you say, crossing your legs and studying his expression, he’s barely making eye contact with you, gaze moving around to room to find words he probably doesn’t even know.

“I know,” he hums, lowering his head. “But I miss you. And I… I’d like to at least be friends again but I also respect if you don’t want to, maybe you still love m –”

“No,” you stop him, “I don’t… I liked you, at least I think so.”

“Is there really a difference?”

“Yeah, the latter should be less painful.”

“Was it?”

You raise your gaze, locking eyes with him, and when you still feel a striking pain in your heart, you deny it with a movement of your head. “But I don’t love you anymore,” you still add. It’s true. You miss him, but that’s a different feeling.

“So… can we be friends again? I promise I’ll make up time with you. I was so caught up in her that I just… I didn’t notice you were slipping out of my mind.”

You hum, shaking your head and scratching your neck. “It’s fine, it was in the past.”

“Yeah, but I hurt you.”

“I’m fine, Jae. It doesn’t matter.” Or it does, but is there something you can do to fix it? You can’t turn back around.

He nods, drifting his gaze away again and you know he’s waiting for an answer you’re not sure you can give him. Not right on the spot. It’s true that you want him back, but you’re not sure taking him back won’t break you down again.

“I need to think about it,” you whisper after a few minutes, watching his eyes drop, that wasn’t the answer he wanted, but you have to put yourself first. If there was something that this taught you was that lesson. After all, you were always going to have yourself and not anybody else.

“My mother says hi,” you say while pushing your phone back into your pocket and start to walk back to Jaehyun’s side.

“Oh, it’s been a while since I last heard from her,” he replies, a small smile curls his lips as he keeps moving next to you to reach the closest cafe.

Yes, after a week or more of asking yourself the same question you were able to make a decision and take him back. You had set some rules, telling him that you needed time, and maybe sometimes you would’ve needed time to yourself, but Jaehyun understood, after all, you two were always the same, even if you changed, even if you drifted apart, he was still the only one that knew you so deeply and vice versa.

So, it started slowly, allowing each other to text, not as often as you used to do, not with the same tone or conversations of your old texts, but it was something. After a while, he started sitting close to you during some lessons, not always, and not only because he wanted to be with her, but also because you didn’t want to have him that close again. You still needed time, and even if you got back together you could feel it wasn’t the same as before. You don’t talk about the future anymore, and the few times some doubts spill out you two are never in each other’s plans. You don’t rest your head on his shoulder anymore, not that one night you decided to watch a movie together, not the few times you sit next to each other in class. You don’t poke his cheeks, burying your finger in his dimple. You don’t change in front of each other anymore. You don’t go grocery shopping together. You don’t spend nights up rewatching your favorite series.

And you are terrified that with time you wouldn’t have recognized not even a small piece of him. But you let that in the future, deciding to focus on the present, and on yourself.

You are fine, you found yourself again, and you had Jaehyun in your life.

Nothing is as before, you used to be home to each other, different sides of the same coin, partners in life, and now, you’re just standing there, side by side, an invisible line separating you.

In strangers’ eyes you two look just fine, like any other friends would appear, but to you, in your heart, you’re as close as strangers.

I hope you liked it, if you did please leave feedback is always appreciated! ♡

#nct fanfiction #jaehyun angst #jaehyun fluff #jeong jaehyun angst #jeong jaehyun fluff #jaehyun scenarios #nct 127 angst #nct 127 fluff #nct angst #nct fluff #requests

2K notes · View notes

thegreenthepeacetheorange · 10 months

Text

Everlark (Mockingjay, Ch. 25-27)

peeta also being in the burn unit bc he was in the city circle

what i personally believe is that he's the one who tried to put out the fire that overwhelmed katniss, hence his own burnt hands and forehead

her using peeta's coping mechanism of pain to stay grounded in reality

when katniss talks about all the people she trusts being said, she highlights that there is peeta but he wouldn't know any more than her about 13's plans.

"we are both fire mutts now" - still a (broken) team

"those same blues" mentioned again

haymitch understanding katniss. the dad that stepped up. i love that he says "i'm with the mockingjay" instead of "yes"

katniss being our fave feral girl by literally biting into peeta's hand as he stops her from taking her nightlock

the fact that when she says "let me go", our baker boy with the beautiful words and the charm can only say "i can't"

just another instance where these can't let each other go. has anyone made a counter for these instances?

peeta is well and truly back. to do that. to know he can't let her go. that even when she bites him so hard he bleeds, he just looks into her eyes and lets her know he can't let her die

the fact that after the way katniss was used in the games and then in the rebellion, afterwards when she's damaged and broken and bruised and they have no more use for her, she's just sent off to 12

"there's no obstacle now to taking my life. but i seem to be waiting for something" - the same way peeta kept his hand open with the nightlock pill waiting for katniss to curl over his hand for him, katniss waits for peeta's permission to die

i love that she doesn't even mention peeta by name when she sees he's returned. we just know instinctively that he's the "him" that's back.

peeta says dr aurelius wouldn't let him leave the capitol til the day before which makes me think peeta had really been trying to be discharged to get back to katniss.

"his eyes have lost that clouded, tortured look"

katniss who understandably has fallen into physical disrepair over the last two chapters now feels "defensive" as peeta looks at her, frowning, and tries to push her hair out of her eyes somewhat. her relationship is SO different to the one she has with everyone else. and that's because it's really the only one where she's concerned with romance and her looks etc

peeta digging up and bringing her primrose. the boy with the bread is still here bringing gifts that can't have a price put on them. he is the sweetest most beautiful fictional boy

katniss is relieved that gale is in 2, far away. that era of her life is over, that friendship is over.

although she's still confusing right to end. why are you thinking about gale's lips kissing other lips. i think it's just like her finding closure but still.

katniss falling asleep on the sofa but waking up in her bed. we can guess who got her there

it's only after peeta comes back that katniss starts to hunt, find closure, grieve with others.

peeta bringing her a warm loaf of bread again.

them taking the family plant book and creating a new book to honour and remember the dead. her, peeta and haymitch creating their own makeshift family book. so tragic so beautiful

"peeta and i grow back together" - like it was inevitable.

But his arms are there to comfort me. And eventually his lips. On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that. So after, when he whispers, “You love me. Real or not real?” I tell him, “Real.”

i love how simple and matter of fact this whole passage is. she doesn't need to go into flowery descriptions or explanations. she's already done that for three books.

i just love this whole passage so much. so much hope. so much love. after all that's happened, katniss learns to live again, to hope again, to love again, to see goodness again. and peeta is a key to her achieving that. and it's so beautiful

as an adult, i now know that this scene is alluding to their first time having sex. the mentions of his arms that build to his lips that build to her hunger from the beach that night. "so after" is after that night, that moment in their relationship where things become elevated in a new way.

him whispering that is not him asking her to declare it or say it. he's asking her to confirm what he feels, has felt. that she loves him. and she knows now her answer forever. real.

#everlark #the hunger games #mockingjay #peeta x katniss #katniss x peeta #katniss and peeta #katniss everdeen #peeta mellark #tgtpto everlark read #haymitch abernathy

155 notes · View notes

rotting-butterscotch · 6 months

Text

so uh i just rewatched community for the 3rd, and possibly the last, time, and I'm gonna rant about it, especially because it's being taken off Netflix this month.

Community is literally the #1 best fucking show on this planet (with Brooklyn 99 and The Good Place being a 2 and 3), and no one can tell me otherwise. The writing is so fucking beautiful (except the writing of the romantic entanglements within the group, but im sure the fandom knows that already), and can be so funny yet heartbreaking at the same time.

Let's take "Geothermal Escapism" for an example (which to point out how amazing the writing is, has never failed to make me cry at the end of it). The symbolism of the hot lava game, the fact that Troy had to play into the whole "clone" thing just for Abed to be able to cope with him leaving (which proves yet again how much Troy and Abed do for eachother, and yes that *is* one of the reasons I ship trobed, but let's not get off-track more than we already have lol), the group saying all their good-byes at the end, and the way those good-byes characterize them so perfectly, it's literally a masterpiece of an episode.

And the fact that the viewers as a whole were supposed to just forget all of that the next episode baffles me, like make up your mind Dan Harmon, are you gonna make the best show of all time or ruin it by shoving jeffannie down our throats at the last episode???? (sorry, went off track)

Anyways, back to the writing: it's beautiful, but can be so dumb at the same time. Like, another example: "Emotional Consequences of Broadcast Television", a.k.a. the finale, which not only kind of does a call-back to s1 Jeff and Abed (Abed being ready to let go and embrace the future, and Jeff being so against it), but omggg the symbolism towards the end, where Jeff has driven Abed and Annie to the airport, and he's hugging them good-bye, and Jeff goes in for a second hug, because yet again he's afraid of change, and you can tell Abed is confused, but he goes with it anyways, because he gets it (actually I'm making this point based off of a comment under a compilation of Jeff and Abed, but whatever).

Jeff and Abed in s6 is literally Abed and Jeff in s1, and not only then, but literally everywhere in the series, you can tell how alike they are, how their traumas and troubles are so alike, yet they dealt with it differently, one with acceptance and one with denial.

And another point about how the writing can be so dumb sometimes: how can you literally point to jeffannie being an illogical and impossible ship, and literally have both members of this ship finally realize how unhealthy it in the *same* episode as is that ship's kiss scene?!?! Like, how does that make sense.

Anyways, my conclusion to this rant is: there's no conclusion lol, I just wanted to barf out all of my thoughts on this show onto here (and these aren't even all my thoughts on this show lol), as incoherent as they are. I'll miss this show so bad😭😭.

#community #community nbc #rant post #jeff winger #abed nadir #annie edison #troy barnes #community fandom #thanks for coming to my rant #trobed #i love this show #Spotify

111 notes · View notes

anonzentimes · 3 months

Note

hi zen!! my friends and i are doing a powerpoint night this monday and like any self-respecting person almost 7 months deep in a dangan hyperfixation (i'm never getting out of here) i am using it as a platform for an all-encompassing kmhn infodump. this powerpoint is going to be the komahina bible and i want to hit Every Stop. i will grab everything i can find. no hesitation. however !! the danganronpa franchise is A Lot. so there's always a chance i will miss something. so! as a fellow kmhn understander and enthusiast, is there any particular Komahina Moment or piece of analysis you feel people often miss or overlook? could be big or small, or involve just one of the two of them, but i'd appreciate the input! <3 have a good one :D

OH MY GOD??? I’LL TRY TO ANSWER IN TIME FOR YOUR POWERPOINT LMAO THAT SOUNDS AWESOME?????? You should record it! Well, you probably will, but I’m still saying it anyways just in case you aren’t, because something that fun going unrecorded sounds like a tragedy!

I’ve had ideas of doing all encompassing komahina rambles for a video or something, but I’m already working on other projects so It’ll be a long time before I even try lmao. Makes me happy someone is trying something similar, and with friends no less! I’d be happy to help in any way I can, I hope you and your friends have fun! :D

ANYWAYS. I’ll say a huge ramble of Komahina things and hope it helps LOL.

This is more of a silly statement, but for a FULL Komahina coverage I think it’s most satisfying to cover the different flavors of komahina, if that makes sense? Like, depending on what approach you’re taking you may not cover kamukoma, since to a degree that’s an entirely different ship, but you’d still cover the canon adjacent other flavors. Basically, try including the canon adjacent variations!!! The Dangan island events are good for analyzing their dynamic with less horrible circumstances bringing them to worst and causing them to hurt each other. The stage plays are also great to mention since there’s some komahina content that is play original, and seeing them physically interact is fun! Can’t forget the Komahina CD too Lol. There’s also smaller things like their anniversary outfits, especially the matching purple ones, their animal outfits, and their Danganronpa S Swimsuits!

Little details that are so special to me are things like the parallel of Nagito waking Hajime up being reserved in Danganronpa 2.5, and there’s also how things like Hajime’s grief for Nagito that’s so compelling, special, and telling about their dynamic.

I think my main thing to actually add on properly is that, a lot of people say Hajime hates Nagito which is absolutely incorrect. I don’t think I’d try so hard or care enough to revive and or wait until a person I hated woke up. Hajime displays he actively cares a lot, they just happen to feel hurt and betrayed by each other due to the circumstances. Komahina is unhealthy but it isn’t toxic, if that phrase makes sense. The beauty of it is that they grow TO be healthier, they learn to love each other, understand each other, and in the process learn to understand and love themselves. Komahina is reciprocal, it gets unhealthy due to circumstances, but it is reciprocal and the beauty of it is them becoming healthier together.

Nagito is not a malicious psychopath, and Hajime is not an overly horny person with no personality, I see them misinterpreted and characterized like that constantly It’s ridiculous. Hajime is awkward, conflicted, introverted, caring, and tries to be positive but ultimately is usually a realist. Hajime gets attached to people easily and deals with discrimination, insecurity, and self esteem. Hajime is relatable enough to where he’s empathetic but unique enough to where he’s special.

Nagito is a mentally ill queer coded man who is an antagonist and an anti-hero. He is morally gray when it comes to his unhealthy coping mechanism and has complicated beliefs, he’s honest, intelligent, struggles with insecurity, struggles with self esteem, has absolute beliefs influenced by hope’s peak, is a parallel and warped version of Makoto while being his own person, and he’s very sweet. Nagito’s love language seems to be mostly playful teasing, he rambles a lot and weirds people out just by saying what he thinks is fact. He has tonal issues and usually isn’t self aware, despite this he also worries about the impression he gives off if he thinks it matters. His beliefs are very hierarchy based and he thinks he’s all the way at the bottom, he doesn’t absolutely hate people like him but he thinks they have no purpose other than to help those more capable and projects onto them. Nagito is a very complex character, he is numb to intense situations due to the immense trauma of it being normal for him. He’s optimistic but also pessimistic, he’s positive but also incredibly anxious, he’s well intentioned but also thinks anything is okay if it’s for hope, there’s a lot to Nagito but in the end once it clicks it really clicks. He is contradictory in a way that perfectly makes sense, creating the perfect character. There’s a lot to him but when you understand him there’s no need for words, you just get it. There’s a feeling to him, an understanding, and I think that’s really special. He really is amazing.

Anyways, the ramble on summarizing both of their characters simply is to more expand on points about their dynamic! Nagito and Hajime are sides of the same coin. Nagito is irrational when it comes to Hajime in the way that he defies his normal behaviors because he usually avoids others and thinks he’s not worth the ultimates time, it means so much to me that Nagito just immediately had a feeling and connection with him. I’ve seen some people not think about it, but genuinely Komaeda feels something upon first sight and it’s irrational given his regular behavior it’s so sweet.

This has been just a lot of me rambling, but hopefully some of it helps! I had fun yapping haha, thanks for you ask!

37 notes · View notes

lovearne · 2 years

Text

guilt

captain john price x fem!reader

Warnings: body dysmorphia, themes of poor mental health, comfort, reader is mentally unwell, Simon is a softie, price is the best husband™️, age gap, talks about mental health, small talk about sex, reader hates her body, no use of y/n

My page is 18+ only. I don't tolerate minors here, this is my safe place to express myself, and I don't consent to minors viewing my works or my blog.

Words: 4k

Diclaimer: if you have poor body image, please tread carefully, I wasn't doing well and wrote this to cope. Yall are beautiful and I love you.

-------

You've been… off the past few days. You didn't understand why, why you felt the way you did, or why you haven't had the energy to clean the house. Why you hadn't been motivated for anything. When you get like this it's hard to really do anything that requires you to work your brain or anything really.

You've been like this more times than you remember, and you never really remember coming out of it, like your just constantly feeling bad, and then one day you feel good. It's annoying really.

Today was neither the day it started or the day it will end, you don't remember when it started really. You just feel exhausted. It didn't help that you married a man that has four son like people in his life. They were constantly in and out of your house when they weren't on deployment. And constantly in and out of the house you and Price had for when he was on base.

You just couldn't handle it today. You'd known John for a few years, dated for 2 years and married for 6 months. In all that time, you don't remember ever once feeling like this around him. He was off deployment, yet he still got up everyday to run with the boys, meaning he was up before you. Meaning he'd be expecting to come home to a nice made breakfast, but instead you couldn't get out of bed. You didn't want to be yourself at the moment. You felt bad for feeling that way too, you felt guilty, because you love the life you have with John. You have everything you could have ever asked for, it's just your head.

You don't know how you could ask for help either, not that you wanted it anyway. You wanted to know how to make this go away, you hate feeling like this, it just drives the guilt up more. And soon there are tears in your eyes. You huff and wrap the blankets around you tighter, pulling them up to your chin, closing your eyes. You fade back into sleep, hoping to wake up numb or happy.

"Hey babe!" John greets as he walks into the front door, the boys in tow. He stops as he doesn't smell the breakfast you normally make. Was something wrong?

He was followed by the boys as he enters the house, walking to the kitchen.

"Babe?" You weren't there, something must've been wrong.

He continues to sweep the house for you, you were nowhere downstairs you must be having a shower upstairs.

"Boys, I'm gonna go see if she's upstairs. I'll be back." He tells them.

Walking up the flight of stairs he can feel himself growing more and more worried each step. More so when he can't hear the shower running. Maybe you were having some personal time in your shared room.

He knocks on the door first, incase you didn't want him to walk in. When you don't answer he frowns even more. The door slowly swings open, he can see you, bundled up and asleep. He smiles. Relieved as he walks over to you.

Sitting beside you on the bed, he admires your form as you sleep. His face is warm as his heart is. You've slept in, you weren't in danger. He feels the weight of the world fall off his shoulders.

His warm smile is the first thing you see as you wake up, and feel even more guilt. "Hey pretty girl, good mornin." He says softly, a warm smile on his face. "Do you want a cuddle?" He asks. You shake your head, feeling more guilty. "That's alright darling. Do you want some food? I can make you something if you want." You shake your head again, the guilt your feeling was immense.

"I just wanna stay here please." You surprised yourself with how level and soft you kept your voice. Almost whispering, just as he was talking to you. He smiles and replies.

"OK darling. Do you want me to stay?" You shake your head. "OK baby, I'll be downstairs OK? Just call for me if you need anything." You nod. He leaves a kiss on your forehead and leaves the room, turning the light off and closing the door slowly. You start crying as the door closes, the guilt overwhelming you.

"Did ya find her?" Johnny asked as he walked down the steps. Price nods.

"I don't think she's feeling very well today, lads." He addresses the group.

"Maybe we should make her some breakfast then?" Kyle adds in. John smiles at the young man.

"I think she'd like that. I say go for it." The boys set to work, making some eggs, French toast, pancakes, bacon, and sausage. Simon made the pancakes, Johnny was on meat duty, Kyle made the eggs and French toast, and John toasted the bread.

They were done pretty quickly, you having invested in griddles and an extra stovetop on the island.

You and John had bought this house and started renovations while you were still dating. He has been deployed when most of the demo had been done, he was only supposed to be gone for a month at most, he bad needed to head out on a special mission. You decided to put yourself to the test and worked on the house yourself. You had most of the house put back together, after getting what needed professionally done. You were painting the drywall and sheetrock when Price had came home. He was 3 weeks late coming home, and he was surprised when be walked in and the house looked more like a house than it did when he'd left. That night the two of you had a paint fight. It was one of your favourite memories.

John shakes out of his daydream as the boys alerted him they were all done and ready to eat. He smiles.

"I'll go get my wife." He says to the three of them. Ghost watched him intently while he left, turning to soap and gaz, no, Johnny and Kyle when he was out for earshot.

"Somethings up. " He states. Johnny nods his head.

"I agree, it's 10am and she hasn't even came down for coffee yet. The pots still full!" The boys knew your and John's schedule like the back of their hand. They knew when Price left in the morning, he'd put a pot of coffee on for you, a nice surprise when you woke up. You'd nor.ally wake up around 7:30 or 8 and have a few cups before they arrived.

"Do you think she's OK?" Kyle chimed in. Simon hums.

"I dunno."

"I hope she is. She's too nice to be not ok."

"The world hurts nice people the most Kyle." Simon's voice was almost sobering, the scars on his face showing wisdom in such an area.

The boys get to work in setting the table, placing the food nicely when done.

You were standing in front of the mirror, your eyes red as you pulled and prodded at areas of your body that you loathed. Pockets of fat, dips in your hips, your chest that is never quite what you wanted it to be. The tears flowing as you try and stuff the fat on your stomach into place, wanting it to disappear. You hated the way you looked and it wasn't hard to see.

You shouted in your head, all the nastiest words and hateful comments you could think of, any that your siblings used against you, or terrible kids at school growing up, terrible people now, your own parents. You yelled at yourself in the mirror for what felt like ages. You wanted to get up and go cuddle into John. You had gotten up to seek him out, wanting to watch him as he did his daily life. You wanted to snuggle in his lap as he smoked a cigar out on the deck, or lay your head on his lap as he read his current book.

When you stood, you made the mistake of looking in the mirror. You didn't see what you seen some days, instead you seen the goblin that stood in your place. Very rarely did you think you were beautiful, but it's not normally this bad. Looking in the mirror had set you off and you couldn't stop nitpicking yourself over every insignificant thing.

You thought yourself as ugly, your body and your personality. The one you portray everywhere day couldn't have been your true one, could it? Not if this version of you was always there, always lurking, waiting and ready to pounce everytime you thought you looked bad or anytime you did something wrong, and made it worse.

"Love?" Your thoughts are interrupted by a knocking. You quickly jump into the closet, trying to hide your red face and tears away from the man that you love. He couldn't see you like this, he couldn't see the monster you became when your brain lost the battle. You didn't want him to see such an ugly part of yourself.

So you hide yourself, hidden in between his clothes, you breath in his scent. Even though these clothes were washed, that damn cigar smell stayed. You breathed in the comforting scent of your husband's favourite cigar. Wrapping yourself in one if his coats, you cuddle into it, trying to ignore the man himself.

"Love? You in here?" You could hear John walk around the bedroom. His footsteps nearing the walk in, his hands rested on either nob of the door. "Love? May I come in?" You answer back a yes.

He swings the doors open softly.

"There she is!" He laughed, his tone soft and loving. You smile, hoping your blotchy face could pass as you being sick.

"Here I am." John can tell. You don't know that he knows, but he knows that you don't know. He can tell something is not adding up. Your smile doesn't reach your eyes, and the light that's normally there isn't. It cools him to the core. He needs to help you.

"Hey love, the boys made you breakfast, you fancy coming down?" You sigh, unable to keep your struggle internal. You close your eyes and nod, as if it's almost painful.

"Perfect," he smiles brightly at you. "You might wanna get dressed love, while I love looking at your perfect body, nobody else will get the chance." Your face blushes as he draws attention to your body. He took that as a good sign that you enjoyed his teasing. But it only made you think of why you hate your body, leading to how you hate yourself. You shake your head.

You walked over to John's drawers, pulling out his sweats and a comfortable burgundy shirt, you put them on. They were loose enough, you supposed. You didn't bother putting on a bra, you didn't want to take up more space than you already thought you were. You turned around to see John had been ogling you the whole time, a comfortable smile on his face, love in his eyes. You blushed again and tugged the clothes nervously.

"C'mere beautiful." He takes your hand I'm his softly, kissing the back of it, then leading you to the kitchen. Down the stairs, and through the hallway, you seen the shadows of the boys before them. Johnny, Kyle, and Simon. Your husband's adoptive sons. That makes you their figurative mother, though they treated you more as a sister. There was an age gap between you and John, you being younger than Kyle and Soap. You were in your mid 20s, they were in their late 20s, so you weren't that much younger.

John wasn't twice your age, but he was a good few years older than you, he took care of you, and you took care of him it's how you two worked.

"There she is!" Johnny yelled as he came at you quickly, he pulled you into a hug, and suddenly you fell into a bigger pit of guilt. You gently push at his chest, but let him hug you. That's the least you could do, even though the last thing you want right now is a hug. You sniffle, and then cough a little, just to maybe play off as being sick rather than letting anyone know that your head was at war with itself.

Kyle was the next one to give you a hug, he smelled of old spice and breakfast, you felt even more guilt. These men ran for a few hours and then came over to make themselves breakfast that you normally have made for them. He patted your back as you stood there, your hands trapped under his arms, your eyes settling in the ceiling.

Simon nods at you, and you find yourself looking away instead of nodding back, or asking for a hug like you normally would. You didn't even let John touch you this morning and the two forced hugs you didn't want to repeat. Simon seems to be the only one who realized what was going on with you. You sat through breakfast, nodding along with John as he complimented the boys cooking. The whole time Simon watched you, he studied your manurisms, deeming them the same as his on his bad days.

So, as John, Johnny and Kyle tidy up after breakfast, which you barely ate any of, Simon offered you to come outside for a smoke. You don't smoke, but he does. It's odd when he wants company, but no matter how you were feeling you'd never say no to sitting with him. You know how bad his ptsd and anxiety/paranoia are.

"So," he begins. "I know what's going on." He says, causing you to panic and feel more guilt.

"It's not what you think." You rush, your voice panicked.

"I know what hating yourself looks like sweetheart." You look away from his face, immensely ashamed he'd caught you. "Why do you hate yourself?" He asks. You just furrow your brows at him. "What do you hate about yourself?" He clarifies.

"I don't wanna talk about it." You try and brush it off.

"I know." He nods. "You eventually got me to talk to you about why I hate myself. So I'm not leaving until you tell me." He states.

"I can't." He nods again.

"I know." You sit in silence for a while, he's had a few cigarettes now, his legs dangling off the deck, arms rested on the railing, you sitting the same way.

"Simon?" You say, after gathering your courage and forcing yourself to talk. He turns his head toward you slowly. "I don't have a good enough reason to hate myself." You say. He frowns.

"Whatever reason you have in your head is enough. You don't have to have been through war to hate yourself love." He explains. "And I'll never judge you for it, ever." He says. "All trauma is valid, and all mental health matters." You recognized some of your own words being quoted back at you.

"I don't wanna say." He nods.

"That's alright, do you wanna talk about why you stayed in bed today and barely ate?" You frowned.

"I'm too fat." You say. It's his turn to frown.

"Who said that?" He asks in disbelief.

"Everyone."

"No, I know for sure I didn't say that. And if Price did-"

"John didn't!" You interrupted, he nods. "Just, since I was little. I guess I've always been an easy target." You try to laugh but it's more of a cry.

"Childhood trauma." Ghost remarks.

"It was just bullying." You are quick to defend, why are you quick to defend the people who made you hate yourself?

"No, I know what you're doing. You didn't deserve any word or action of that." Simon could read you better than your husband could.

"How do yo-"

"You are the sweetest person I've met." He starts. "You're so welcoming and understanding. There is nothing wrong with you." That's what you think. You bitterly thought.

"What if there is? What if the reason I feel so bad is because there's something wrong with me?" You break. "My brain turns on itself Simon, it starts to eat away at me, my confidence, my self image, my everything. And I don't know how to stop it." There are tears in your eyes that you hold back.

"Oh love." He pulls you into his chest, a hug from Simon is rare, and you start to sob into him. "It's ok, let it out." He rubs your back, "I'm here for you." Hes learned a lot from you in the past 2 and a half years, a lot of everything useful he didn't have before. He was also your best friend. Sure John is your husband, but you and Simon got on best, in platonical ways. You've joked before that Simon was your soul friend, a platonic soulmate. You knew John was your soulmate in the literal sense, but you understood Simon easier than anyone else on the planet.

John came outside to have a cigar after washing the dishes and watching the other two boys fight for half an hour over who was drying and who was tidying the kitchen. He was alarmed when he heard you sobbing, but relaxed when he saw Simon consoling you.

"I just feel so guilty Simon." Your voice was wrecked, throat raw with emotion.

"Why's that love?"

"I want to be the perfect wife to him, I want to keep up on house work, I want to give him kids, I wanna be there all the time for him. I want to be able to have a desirable body, so that maybe one day he doesn't wake up disgusted with me, like I wake up disgusted by myself." John's heart cracks, deep in his chest. He staggers, as if he'd been shot.

"Hey," Simon grabs your hand. "You have a desirable body." You scoff.

"No, I don't." He hums.

"You do actually. Very desirable. Most of my partners have been bigger. More cushion you know?" He asks. "I like being comfortable and confident that my partner can hold my body weight without it crushing them. Cause darling I weigh a lot. And so does your husband." He states, John smiles at your small smile.

"But what if he wakes up one day and decides he does like my weight, the rolls of fat I have, the ugly fat deposit I have over my butt. What then Simon?" Simon looks you deaf in the eyes.

"I'll just kill him." He says that like it's the most important thing in the world.

"You can't kill my husband!" You shout at him.

"Do I want to? No. But if he hurts you? There isn't anywhere he could hide from me." Simon says. "You are my best friend, don't tell Johnny that. You are number one. Ok? If you need something, I'm here. If someone needs to be killed, I don't care who it is. I will kill them for you." Simon comforts you, his seriousness making you smile, and that smile reaches your eyes. John watched on. Oddly comforted by the fact that if he ever treated you bad, that Simon would be there. He needed to know that you'd be protected as well, if something ever happened to him.

"Oh Simon." You cry and pull him into a hug. "You're the best friend I've ever had." John smiles, seeing you momentarily happy.

"Now, I think you should tell your husband about how you're feeling. He can help as well." Simon states.

"It'll be gone in a few days, maybe I can just fake being the regular me."

"Absolutely not." John interrupted.

"John." You had horror written on your face as he approached the two of you.

"Hey baby," he smiles at you, the pure look of love shining through his eyes. "We have some things to speak about." You shake your head.

"Can we talk about it later?" You ask, he tilts his head as if thinking about it.

"I think it's better if we talk now, yeah?" You sigh. "Simon, I will take over from here, you can go now." He said to the larger man. Simon cocked an eyebrow, but left. John comes to sit beside you, his leg touching yours.

The two of you just sit like that for while, Basking in the sun, and the cool weather outside. Your thoughts were full of times that John had told you you were beautiful, times where you believed him, times where you had to stop the negative thoughts, and times where they won over. Then the tines where he told you he loved you flooded in, you believed him each and every single time, there were times where your mind was against you, and he'd said it and you had thought negatively about it.

"So," he starts. You look at him, not quite meeting his eye. "What's happening baby?" You smile bittersweetly at him.

"Sometimes my brain attacks me." You say. He laughs a little.

"OK, darling wanna tell me how?"

"It makes me feel so bad, like this morning. I couldn't get out of bed until you came and got me. I just didn't have motivation to do anything." He nods. "It's so paralyzing sometimes. The way my brain feels. And then there's the guilt. The guilt for not doing anything all day, for not talking to you, or not doing chores, or not doing anything. Wasting the day away."

"Baby," His hand on your thigh grounds you. "You don't ever have to feel guilty. I understand." He says softly. "I need you to know that you can always talk to me about these things." He says. You make a mental note to never.

"I don't want you seeing that part of me." You whisper, your voice failing you.

"Why baby?"

"It's the ugliest part. I can get so mad at you and say things that I don't mean." He smiles.

"You think I don't have a part of me like that?" He says. "I do, it's rare that it sees the light of day nowadays, but I manage it. You know how I do?" He asks. You shake your head. "I've been going to therapy for a few years now. It's helped me a lot. I wouldn't have married you if I was still the same man I was then. I can ask if we can book you in." He says. His smile was small and comforting again. "I don't mind if you don't want to talk to me about these thoughts and feelings. I do think you need to talk to someone about them though. My therapist is very neutral and easy to talk to." He adds. You look at him, wondering how you've known him for years and didn't know he struggled like you do.

"You never told me that." You say.

"No," he shakes his head. "It's not the same as what you are struggling with, but everyone fights their own battles. Even with their own brains." He says. You admire his wisdom.

"John," you start. "I love you." He smiles, big and happy.

"I love you too sweetheart." He kisses the side of your head. "What do you say we send these boys home, and then spend the day doing anything that we find fun. Get your mind off the bad?" You nod.

"We could play Mario kart?" He nods.

"Of course Mrs. Price." He confirms. You blushed deep red. You always did when he talked to you like that. "And just so you know, no matter what size you are, I will still love you and want to fuck you until you cry. You are the only person I want. I am yours." He kisses away your tears.

"I can't believe we've been married for six months." You say. "I'm still getting used to being Mrs. Price." He smiles.

"Well I could just call you mine." He teases.

"You can call me whatever you want handsome." He laughs. Suddenly the world feels a lot more bright, as the guilt lifts completely off your shoulders, letting yourself enjoy the company of your husband, your temple resting on his collarbone as he presses a kiss into your hair. The two of you sit there, watching the birds as they fly through the air. You were gonna be just fine with him by your side.

#captain john price #john price x reader #captain price x reader #captain john price x reader #captain price #cod mw2

772 notes · View notes

littlesislovesyou · 16 days

Note

Well with the type of kinks/fantasies or fucked up shit that can go through our head...You'd be surprised how little patience people have for others because they don't or refuse to understand. A part of me is coping and healing from past experiences while trying to learn how to be comfortable even in things I've never thought of before. That I may or may not be into. Time would tell. But it's not like I plan on hurting anyone with what goes through my mind right? It's quite the opposite. At this point I just want peace and to make you feel good as I do interacting with your. Maybe learn or gain some new kinks along the way and a safe comfortable spot to vent out frustrations both sexual or otherwise more vulnerable and I appreciate you listening and taking time to listen to one while getting off to the other 🖤 it makes me happy.

God you're such an irresistible woman. The type I'd never be able to say no to whether you were my sibling or my prey. I'd stalk and spoil you no matter what and you'd endure any sexual or painful torture under me because you want this just as much as I do. Maybe I will explore all of my fucked up fantasies with you...🖤🖤🖤 We already are in a way, quietly or privately in asks lol but just wait til we dm~ I just hope I'm enough I suppose. For someone as wonderful, beautiful as you that can just be if not similar levels of fucked up as my mind is at times 😭

I'm glad you understand and thank you. Maybe one day I'll have the confidence to change that status.

But being each other's dark secret is just as hot and fun isn't it?

And well I adore making you melt, whether it's your brain through your needy pussy or melting in happiness in your stomach and chest <3 but of course I'll be your owner in this scenario. After cheating on my wife with you and you homewrecking my relationship with her... You're all I have left...and that's exactly why I chased you so far because I knew I wanted you, needed you. Had to have, mark and breed until you were made; MINE!

But that doesn't mean I'll stop you teasing and luring other men into having someone better than their wives... Even if only temporarily now and again. Having a get together at our house, wearing my mask and laying down the ground rules so no one tries to jump the line to get their turn early. Everyone will get a chance. Maybe 2 or three older married men at a time. All getting a turn at using your every available hole and groping your irresistible tit, jerk off the spectators with your hands while groping and bouncing your tits like a good fucking whore for them. Suck every cock you can until your mouth is sore and leaking cum until the night is over and everyone is satisfied. After all that's what they all came for. Whether it was to get away from their annoying nagging wives, getting some young tight pussy since their wife wouldn't put out or simply because they love that you do this to them...tempting them to cheat and they do so without hesitation and the attention and ruthlessly sex drives you crazy above all else...and I'll watch the whole thing. Ensuring no one hurts you in anyway you don't want, breaking any rules or going too far because they'll suffer the consequences and they'll be lucky if they walk out with their balls intact when I'm through...

No one will make you uncomfortable or hurt you in any way you don't want in my presence. None.

I'll keep you safe and happy always and when we're done I'll help you clean up. Shower you from head to toe and kiss you in sore spots while lightly teasing your overstimulated body before helping you into bed and we'll cuddle up and go to sleep. Reaffirming our love and care for each other...but as you finally doze off...I don't think I'd be able to hold back anymore...I'd rape you while you're sleeping, sore and overstimulated by today, going through multiple rounds of sex and sleeping naked against me. Your skin glowing in the moonlight as I lightly kiss your neck at first and rub my bulge against your ass, hardening immediately when I feel you squirm against me but unable to resist when I finally force my cock deep inside of your stretched out cunny~ Eagerly and roughly fucking you with no remorse and keeping your mouth shut with my hands in or around your mouth, covering the screams briefly until I get you to calm down and realize it's me...maybe I'll need to hold your knife to your throat or rape you at gunpoint but so be it...! I need this. I need you. I need to remind you all day, every single day that you're mine no matter how much men you seduce or tempt. You'll always come crawling to me and begging me for more, beg me to fuck your slutty brains out while fingering and stretching out your ass because I'm gonna pound it next after I'm done ravaging your soaking wet cunt. Keep begging me to stop with tears in your eyes and get a slap to the face in return and me roughly pulling your hair as you feel my cock throb uncontrollably in your pussy because you're so cute and irresistible hot in tears and let's be honest with ourselves sweetheart...🤭🔪

You love me this way anyway~ And I'll continue to use you until you pass out again in my arms and continue using your body for my pleasure further still. Whispering how much I love and adore you while taking depraved videos and photos to show you in the morning of me mounting and breeding your pussy sky high to get you soaking wet and needy for me to fuck you again...

No I definitely understand how you feel honestly, I feel the same way, it’s definitely a weird experience to go from not liking something to realizing you might like it more than you originally thought, I’m just glad you feel comfortable enough to wanna explore with me🖤 you seem like a good person honestly🖤 I hope I’m able to help, and you’re able to find your peace💓

Ahh tell me why I’m all blushy from that 🫣💕 stalking me and spoiling me, how romantic<333 heh, I’d absolutely love to explore with you;’) but I agree the asks have been absolutely amazing;’) 🖤 I really appreciate you taking the time to just sit and send them to me🖤🫶 you seriously just have a way with words that drives me wild honestly

Ah take your time though of course<3 I’d love to have a conversation with you in dms someday🖤🫣 just know I enjoy talking to you a lot and that won’t change!<3 and pshshshshh please, I’m really not that great 🥺🫶 I appreciate you saying that but seriously I’m just as human as you<3 I have my own weird little problems, everyone does, so don’t worry about being ‘enough’ for me and I don’t expect anything of anyone🖤 of course take your time like I said, I actually really do enjoy the mystery;’) it only just makes it hotter💕

And aghhhh oh my 🫣💓 are you trying to make me absolutely feral? I would love that, especially knowing you’d be there watching and protecting me💕 makes me wanna rub my thighs together ahh☺️

It would also be hot if you didn’t let them fuck my tight lil cunt, tell them it’s off limits and only for you to use, but the rest of my holes are free reign ☺️💕

Ah you know exactly how to add the right amount of affection and the right amount of absolutely fucked up dirty thoughts💕💕💕💕

Ahhh I bet you’d love it when I get all whiny and crying because you’re being too rough with me 🫣🖤

I just love the idea of you owning me completely like that🖤🖤🖤 I’m just your pretty little fuck doll, you just get to decide everything for me, like you’d own my pretty little pussy 🥺💓 I would absolutely give it to you<333 Agh anymore anytime I see dirty tumblr posts I’d imagine it’s was you~ hehe ;’)

I am absolutely an irresistible woman hm?💕

14 notes · View notes

jackwolfes · 11 days

Note

I've been reading smut for nine years so you'd think I'd be able to at least write a little bit of it, right? And yet, the minute it comes to even a kiss scene I get all uncomfy and just can't do it. Lately I've been coming up with so many smut scenes I wanna write but I keep second guessing myself and feeling all embarrassed. Any words of wisdom from a smut veteran like yourself?

i've shared some advice on this in more detail before and also here but the key question i'd ask yourself is: why

like. why are you embarrassed writing smut. why THIS and not writing fluff or whump or very elaborate longfics. because smut is at the end of the day any other type of writing, with just as much feeling and action and weird messy fluids.

"sex is taboo and shameful and i've got catholic guilt" - so fair, we live in a society. but also, sex is natural and a 100% morally neutral act. i'd be surprised if this wasn't underlying some part of the embarrassment but at a certain point, if this is the key thing holding you back, you might just need to sit down and consider whether you want the hegemonic bastards that suck the dick of advertisers and snuff out any sort of difference to be the thing holding you back from what is already a transgressive weirdo hobby. accept that if this is your biggest sticking point, you might not be ready to jump straight into writing a graphic monsterfucking piss play orgy and might have to start with heavy petting and missionary that's more feelings and "i love you"s than descriptions of genitals. and maybe you need to write 10,000 kissing scenes first to build up the courage to write the word "cock", but that's never going to be wasted time. there's no race. you don't need to jump straight in.

"fear of being perceived" - you are the arbiter of who sees this. you can post it anonymously, you can post this under a sock puppet account you made with a completely different email, you can wait until youve written 5 million words and post it all at once, you can literally never ever ever ever ever post it ever. but don't not write it because of an audience that doesn't even exist yet.

"fear of being cancelled for writing something weird" - the ao3 block button is a beautiful, beautiful feature. if someone reads something they don't like, what are they going to do? nark in your comments? whine? launch a smear campaign? fuck em. you should practice good internet safety to avoid getting doxx'd anyway, and if you do literally the only thing they can do is complain, which means all you have to do to get them to shut up is block them

"i like what i'm writing a Bit Too Much and don't know how to process that" - 1) self indulgence is the fucking shit but also 2) the writing is the processing it. writing is a tool that can help you identify the things that get you hot or your underlying opinions on the concept of intimacy and love. and dear god it's fucking awful to be vulnerable but the benefit is very very worth it. also no one's gonna know if you have a wank because you wrote a fic so hot you turned yourself on unless you tell them, so if that's how you gotta process it, then that's between you and god

"it's going to be bad" - it will unfortunately continue to be bad without practice.

if it wasn't immediately obvious from this answer, the only reason i ever got to 'smut veteran' stage was because i got really really fucking shameless about a lot of things, including the fact that i cannot say sexual things out loud, sometimes turn bright red while writing smut, and have still been known to get so embarrassed by a fic that i have to slam my laptop shut and put it away because i can't cope. and i think that part of writing anything that makes you feel that way is acknowledging that 1) you're strong enough to get through that discomfort and 2) a little bit of discomfort is probably worse than not writing anything at all

#anyway i am obsessed with the title of “smut veteran” im going to say it forever #asks #uthers-bald-head #my first smut fic is still on ao3 and im sure it's awful but i refuse to reread it #advice #long post

17 notes · View notes

elderemorune · 4 months

Text

Beautiful IF.

This evening, my wife and I went to see a movie. This isn't anything unusual, we love the theater, and will take any excuse we can to go when she has time. Last we were able to get out just the two of us, it was to see Lisa Frankenstein, which I wholly recommend by the way. It was great, feminist as fuck, and frankly (see what I did) fun as hell.

But that's not why I'm here tonight.

Tonight, we're here for John Krasinski's IF.

IF is a movie that's part of a rare genre. The Family Film. You know, the kind that came out when millennials were children, like The Addams Family, or Hocus Pocus. A movie made for everyone to enjoy.

Now this is probably confirmation bias, since most of the fandoms I'm in are serious business, or at least they think they are, and such most of what I watch is grim, dark, or otherwise edgy. I won't deny being an edge marquis, I've been one since middle school and I'm not stopping now!

This movie, simply put, is beautiful. As we start to see more and more art about fighting (or subliminally supporting) fascism, it's like we shy away from beauty and instead want to focus wholly on how dark things are for us. And with a constant barrage of messaging like that, it's hard to stay hopeful, easy to stay mad.

Then we get a movie like IF. It takes a look at life through the most hopeful lens it can, a kid's. I don't want to get too into the story because my roommate reads this and I want them to see this as blindly as they can, but I'll tell you this: IF wants you to know that it's okay to be a kid.

But what does that mean? To be a kid? Is it to engage in wild flights of fancy where you imagine great, impossible things like an elephant made of cotton candy? Is it using play to cope with hard times? To be innocent? What is innocence anyway?

IF isn't trying to answer those questions at all. All IF cares about is that you know that it's okay to be a kid, no matter what.

For a super spoiler-free quick rundown, IF follows the adventures of Bea as she tries to help place imaginary friends (IFs) with new kids and find a new sense of purpose. Imagine (heh) Foster's Home for Imaginary (heh) Friends, but age Mac up a year and have her partner be a big furry purple guy (Hey! Like Eduardo!) named... Blue? Is this possibly an... GASP! AN EASTER EGG RIGHT THERE?! The big difference is that imaginary friends can't really be seen by anyone, except Bea and this other guy, Calvin. We'll talk about him later.

So let's talk about the rest of the movie, because there's not much more I can say without spoilers.

Just look at this man. He's distinct. You know EXACTLY what he's about, who he is, everything you need, just from looking at him.

And the same holds true of every other IF that you see (and don't) on screen. The team that worked on them did an immaculate job, perfectly capturing a child's imagination and how they see the world around them in these funny lil guys. Like how Blue is purple because his kid was colorblind, so he looked blue TO HIS KID, and how the robot IF was the kind of thing that a kid fond of taking things apart might imagine as their friend. Their personalities are all so clear, and when they're on screen they really steal the show.

Speaking of theft, let's talk the casting. Cailey Fleming plays Bea and gosh is her performance just the tops. Her first onscreen part was as young Rey in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (which I didn't watch because I just don't care much for Star Wars). This is the first place I've seen her work, and I one hundred percent believed she was actually John Krasinski's daughter.

Who, by the way, plays her dad. A lovable goofball who tries to find the fun in everything, he's sick (though we're never told with what) and is in New York for surgery. It's a big one, apparently, and there's a chance he won't wake up from the anesthesia, but he's determined to make it through. Really, what can I say about Krasinski's acting that fans of The Office haven't already said? This guy is the kind of dad I want to be when I eventually have kids.

Steve Carell voices Blue, the big purple IF on the poster. Sure, I guess if I had A critique of this movie, it's that it's another Steve Carell Funny Voice(TM) but fuck off, I had fun and it was clear he loved the project. I loved Blue, I thought he was funny and so sweet, and he was just so goddamned lovable that I genuinely had no notes.

Last, and he'd probably say least, Ryan Reynolds plays Calvin, a very handsome gentleman who can also see the IFs like Bea can. He started the effort to rehome IFs with new kids, but hasn't had much success at the time the movie starts. He's a bit of a curmudgeon, pessimistic that anything they do will work, and refers to his ability to see them as a curse, but he still does everything he can to help Bea place IFs in new homes. While still your typical wise-cracking Ryan Reynolds character, it was interesting to see him playing a character who's not about diving into things headfirst, instead giving us a more timid person who would really rather be asleep.

The cast all worked exceptionally well together. As I said, I came out of this movie truly believing that Fleming was Krasinski's daughter, and the chemistry between her and Reynolds was amazing. They really felt like friends, and I never once felt like their relationship was weird in any way. Carell and Fleming were also delightful together, with Blue serving as wonderful comedy relief.

Lastly, I guess is the score, right? I'm new to caring about this, so forgive me if I forget an important part.

Music was done by Michael Giacchino, who's score was frankly perfect. He captured the vibe perfectly, and I can honestly think of no higher praise for a film score. In particular, there was a scene that really hit me, and if the Adagio of Spartacus and Phrygia hadn't been the song used, I'm not sure I'd have cried near as hard.

So that's it. IF. A beautiful movie, a poignant message, and something that I think everyone could benefit from seeing.

Because what IF it's right? And it IS okay to be a kid?

That means anything is possible, doesn't it? What IF you COULD have a cotton candy elephant? Or a small army of Bionicle robots who are fiercely loyal to you as you lead them across Mata Nui to expunge the darkness? (Don't tell me you didn't do this. If you had Bionicle, you did this.)

What IF?

#what if #if movie #movie review

29 notes · View notes

heartcereql · 1 year

Text

𝗿𝗶𝗱𝗲

☆lo'ak sully x fem!na'vi!reader

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒- a little insight into lo'ak & y/n's adventures

𝐂𝐖- it's reaaaallllyy sweet (they're my babies), mentions of reader not being mentally well (y/n being relatable lmao), english is not my first language

𝐀/𝐍 - a different type of ride than you'd expect lol. ANYWAY though this is in the same au as blue velvet, can be read as part1, part2, or read it by itself. inspired by @jimfiqs ‘s comment xxx

your hand was laced with lo'ak's as you dragged him through trees, plants and bushes.

"how do you even find this places, y/n?" he commented.

you spent a lot of time by yourself, because usually your mind gave you enough trouble to abstract you from the real world. yet exploring was sort of your coping mechanism. but you could never tell lo'ak that; you didn't want to scare him.

"i'm a lost soul" you shrugged with a smile. "and i have a lot of spare time"

he grinned along, lost in the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach as you looked him.

you suddenly stopped abruptly, making lo'ak stop too. after pushing away some branches and mockingly bowing, you finally allowed him to see where you had taken him.

a turquoise watered pond rested beneath the two of you, standing on a low cliff. the water was so crystalline you could even see small fish swimming along. lo’ak had certainly never seen such a place. this secret beauty had left him amazed, and he was so absorbed in the unblemished landscape he only realised you had dived into the pond once you splashed water.

your head emerged seconds later, laughing. a grin cracked his face at your sight.

he took a moment to admire you. how your face glistened; your figure smooth in the water- no, no, no, he shouldn’t think that. you were his friend (quite more than that to him), and he didn’t want to risk your friendship. shaking his head as to dismiss the thoughts, he jumped into the pool.

“shh!”

“but why are we here?” he asked, impatiently.

you shushed at him again, glaring at him in a playful way.

“you’ll see. now be quiet” you whispered.

the two of you were hidden behind bushes and rocks. you hadn’t told him where you were taking him this time, you had just grabbed his hand and dove into the forest, crossing to the floating mountains.

“watch” you spoke, barely audible, nudging lo’ak with your shoulder and pointing him to a cave behind the bushes.

he leaned forward, spying through the branches. the entrance of the cave was facing the spot where you were hiding, revealing the inside.

a majestic ikran was crouched at the entrance. shades of aquamarine covered its skin, adorned with flecks of amber. lo’ak, being the chief’s son, had had quite a lot of experiences with ikrans, and didn’t seem really impressed. he turned to face you.

“you think i’ve never seen an ikran be-“

you silenced him by putting your hand over his mouth, giving him an apologetic smile, and turning his head back to the cave.

the ikran started moving, stretching from its previous position, revealing what its body hid from your sight. a much smaller creature was curled on the ground, asleep. the baby ikran looked almost identical to its mother, who was now unbending her sore muscles and examining the environment.

he looked so cute, you thought, admiring the baby, suddenly breathless, eyes wide, the corners of his mouth twisting into a smile.

soon your attention shifted back to the baby ikran and its mother, just in time for watching the banshee crouch back down to the baby and nuzzle her creature affectionately with her head. after a while, she started to push the baby harder- and up. lo'ak only left out a quiet 'woah' as the mother helped the baby on its feet. once the baby was steady, the eldest began to pace around, waiting then for her child to imitate her.

at first, it didn't look as if anything would happen: the baby was most likely to fall back into place. yet slow but steady, the baby ikran took a small, trembling step, much to everyone's surprise.

a baby ikran's first step, this was truly a sight worth seeing.

lo’ak found you alone under the blue sky of the midday. you were hearing the birds in the summer breeze, trapped in the puzzling web of your thoughts. you had been trying hard not to get into trouble, do something you’d regret, but it was getting more and more difficult to even wake up without a headache. a headache no remedy could cure. you see, you had this war in your mind.

“hey” he greeted.

you directed your eyes towards him, gaze softening. the whirling thoughts and toxic voices inside your head stopped as he approached you.

“hi” you saluted back. “didn’t expect you here”

“i could say the same thing” he chuckled.

you faintly smiled, but remained quiet, gaze lost. you weren't okay, and lo'ak could notice, and oh how he wanted to help you. but he knew you had a hard time speaking about yourself, so he tried to relieve whatever was bothering you.

"don't you have somewhere to take us today?" he asked, grateful as he watched you eyes light up.

"there is one place, but we'd have to wait a long time. until it gets dark" you shrugged.

"i don't have nothing better to do" lo'ak offered you a smile.

and that’s how you ended up in your favourite spot of all the forest. you killed time by playing silly games, like who could spot the weirdest creature; sharing anecdotes; and so on.

at some point, lo’ak had fully laid in the ground, claiming he wasn’t comfortable. you hummed for response, but, as he changed his position, you patted your lap.

his eyes opened in realisation, heat creeping up his neck. you offered a smile, tilting your head, motioning for him to obligue. begging that you couldn’t notice his rubor, he placed his head on your lap.

he looked up at you, examining the skies again. a peaceful expression on your face. you looked angelic, the light that filtered from the branches enlightened your features, made your hair look shiny.

eventually, though he surely was enjoying the view, lo'ak dozed off, falling asleep in the warmth of your skin. when you noticed, you smiled to yourself. getting comfortable as well, you decided to join him taking a nap. you still had a lot of time.

by the time you woke up again, you realised you were just in time for the show to begin.

"lo'ak" you shook his shoulder carefully. "wake up!"

shaking him a bit stronger, he finally opened his eyes, though a bit disorientated. he lifted his head as if your touch ad burnt him, which did make you frown a little. unbeknownst to you, the reaction had been of pure and utter shyness.

"what's going on?" he asked, still rubbing his eyes.

the sky was a dark shade of blue now, stars were beginning to glimmer in the evening sky. but it wasn't dark in the forest. before your eyes, plants and flowers were unraveling bioluminiscent lights, plaguing the forest with shimmering spots. white and gold shining specks decorated branches, bushes and the wildlife of the woods. but that was just the beginning.

soon, fireflies started to appear; even more tiny lights adorning the otherwise dark forest. even the birds that flew by shone in shades of purple, pink and blue. the sight was truly one of a kind.

"isn't it fucking beautiful?" you whispered, eyes open with admiration.

he nodded, for he was blown away too from the ethereal view. the only difference was, he was looking at you.

when you turned around and found him staring, he averted his eyes, embarrassed. you inched closer to him, your hand framing his face, lifting it slightly so he had no choice but to look at you. not that he wanted to complain.

“you have pretty eyes” you told him, biting back a smile.

his gaze shifted, almost involuntarily, to your lips, but was back into your eyes in a fraction of second.

you noticed, though.

he tried to elaborate a coherent response, another compliment to shoot at you, but he could only mumble a timid “you too..”.

your faces were close, closer than they’d ever been. eyes locked on the other’s, unable to look away. you found that you could get lost in the amber of his irises. he had discovered a galaxy in your orbs long ago.

the closeness was burning you, yearning for him. now or never. you closed the space between you, kissing his lips briefly. you backed a bit, observing his reaction. or, lack of.

had you misread the situation? hadn’t he liked it? had you scared him? had you-

the rambling thoughts stopped as he leaned closer, him kissing you this time. you didn’t hesitate to kiss back, arms sneaking around his neck.

you were breathless, but wouldn’t, couldn’t, pull away. you felt lo’ak’s hand lingering upon your waist, finally deciding to softly settle there. your lips fit together like pieces of a puzzle. the kiss was sweet and passionate, messy and rythmic; it was everything one wanted in a kiss but nothing no one could ever imagine.

tongues now grazing each other; wherever he touched you, fireworks erupted on your skin.

that night, once he was home, lo'ak laid awake, staring at the ceiling. he could still feel your fingers around him, could still smell your scent, could still hear your soft, steady breathing.

he felt whole, complete, he felt right. lo'ak was filled with a delightful relief. fucking finally. how long he had wanted to do that. and now that it had finally happened, he found himself craving for more. more time with you, more kissing you, more embracing you, more you.

he was eager to get up, to see you again, feet lighter than they had ever been. but as he approached your spot, lo'ak felt uneasy. what if you didn't want to see him again? or if you regretted it? what if you weren't even there.

he forced himself to swallow his thoughts when he saw your figure, graceful, enhacing.

and as he saw you there, legs folded and head resting against your knees, he remember something he had wanted to do, to show you, for a while. and now he had finally succeeded in it.

it would be like reversing your trips. he knew you knew an impressible lot about ikrans, but, as far as he was concerned, you didn't have one of your own. this idea renewed his confidence and finally walked to you.

you looked up at him from where you sat. truth be told, you were as clueless as he was as to what to do now, so you flashed him a shy smile.

but lo'ak didn't even give you a spare second to greet him, as he took your hands, surely but tenderly, and pulled you all the way up to your feet.

"c'mon!" he exclaimed, starting to walk, leading you for once.

you let out a laugh. "well, this is new. where are we going?" you asked, mocking the way he would always ask you.

"you'll see soon" he responded, like you would always do.

the both of you walked in silence for the better part of the journey. you were suddenly very conscious of the way his hand was holding yours. you were usually the one to grab his hand, and you paid no mind to it; while your grip was careless and determined, his hands were gentle and soft on yours.

lo'ak was focused on revising the details of his adventure. he was keeping all negative thoughts at bay. you would love it, he was sure. and then, there you were.

"okay, close your eyes" he instructed.

you raised your brows.

"seriously?" your spoke in disbelief, a playful grin on your face.

"yes, seriously"

you complied, closing your eyes, staying in place. this felt weird. but a really good weird. you weren't one to receive surprises; you often gave them. so the excitement bubbling up inside you was new and intriguing.

after some minutes, you finally heard feet rustling, stomping, lo'ak sushing.

"now you can open your eyes"

you did as you were told, and certainly nothing could've prepared you for what was standing before your eyes.

an ikran. a fucking ikran, in all its splendor and glory. it obviously wasn't the first time you saw an ikran, but you had never seen one so close, close enough to stretch your arm and pet its head.

your month fell slightly open. a small knot appeared between your brows as you were trying to figure out how the hell lo'ak had dragged an ikran there, or how he had managed to get it so close to-

then it hit you.

"you tamed an ikran?! you tamed an ikran and you didn't tell me!" you feigned offense for a second. "lo'ak, this is seriously amazing. i am so proud of you. why didn't you tell me?"

he felt a faint blush creep up his cheeks. a proud, content grin spread through his lips. you were proud of him. then he sure could be proud of himself.

"wait- am i going to see you fly?" you asked as you noticed the mount on the ikran.

"sort of. we're going for a ride" he shrugged, smiling as he could see shock and eagerness spreading across your face.

"we- oh for eywa's sake, no fucking way!" you could barely hold in your excitement.

he mounted you first and then climbedon the ikran before you. you wrapped your hands around his torso. without wasting any more time, and without giving you a single warning, he took off, his ikran taking you both up into the sky.

you let out an euphoric laugh and rested your head against your shoulder.

"this is amazing!" you had to scream so the wind didn't take your voice away, tightening your arms around him.

you had no way of seeing it, but lo'ak didn't stop smiling throughout the ride.

once you landed, you were breathless.

"lo'ak, that might have been one of the best things i've ever experienced. thank you, truly, it was wonderful" you said, the purest look of admiration on your features.

"hey, it was my pleasure" he replied, shrugging the tingling of his stomach away with a smile.

you reciprocated the smile. lo'ak made you forget how tired you were of feeling like you're fucking crazy, tired of staying up until you saw starts in your eyes. and so, your 'thank you' wasn't only for this particular morning, but for all of him.

suddenly he became all so nervous, no longer able to hold your gaze as he remembered the previous night. he was beyond okay with it, yet he wanted to make things clear, to know how you felt about it.

"y/n" he called your attention, voice subdued. "i..." he drifted again. "about.. well, about last night..." he got lost again.

"lo'ak" you said subtly. your voice seemed to ease his nerves. "there's only one thing i'm sure of about last night"

his brows raised in question, taking in how relaxed your gaze became when you settled your eyes on him.

"i want it to happen again"

#lo'ak x reader #avatar the way of water #avatar x reader #atwow x reader #atwow #lo'ak sully #lo'ak fluff #lo'ak sully x reader #lo'ak x you #lo'ak x y/n #heartcereql

100 notes · View notes