#anyways i feel like ive been hit by a bus and have just been playing animal crossing and sleeping all day

[syrupspinner]

i just beat Half Minute Hero: Super Mega Neo Climax Ultimate Boy

at least i think so? i beat princess and evil lord 30, and ive been told thats supposed to unlock knight 30, but it just kinda didnt. i wanted to do more of the side modes but i guess since i completed the main campaign i can say its beat? whatever i cant play any more

so yknow how xbox won the 7th gen console war right? the wii focused on a casual market, so its only competition was with the ps3. fortunately, the ps3 cost 599 us dollars (my internet is fucked right now but i promise thats over $1000 today) and was built in such a roundabout bullshit way that yeah you could technically get higher specs, but 3rd parties had no idea what they were doing, so all commercial comparisons made it look bad. i bring this up for irony's sake, because considering that the ps3's fatal flaw as inaccessibility, the psp was a hotbed for indie games. it was popular enough to attract creative devs, but not popular enough to attract shovelware, and digital distribution taking off right about then means that its off to the fuckin races

enter half minute hero, which would later be released as half minute hero super mega neo climax ultimate boy (which ill be calling HMHSMNCUB for short) on steam. congrats on landing the lucrative supermega sponsership!

the main mode is called hero 30, and it works like this. each level is basically an ultra-condensed jrpg. random encounters last like one second, you can usually cross the entire levels map in like 15 seconds, and itll usually that about half a minute to level up enough to beat the levels boss. which is great because every level has a time limit of 30 seconds. theres like a statue you can pray to for more time, but it costs more money each time, and you usually only need to use it like twice max

yeah, the first thing that tipped me off to this being a handheld game is the level structure. you ever notice how few handheld/mobile games there are with long levels or open worlds? the exception is genshin-style gachas, which only really took off to keep up with how phones are powerful enough to emulate a ps4 now. if you ever wondered why luigis mansion dark moon was the only one in the series with a short mission structure, its because its the only game in the series native to 3ds. its to match the ethos of "play a little then move on" that most in-your-pocket games find success with. itd be awkward if you were in the middle of a triple-a cinematic moment when your bus got to your stop

anyway! the game is fun enough. it fulfills the niche its trying to fulfill pretty well, i think. i can imagine busting this out on a steam deck (i dont have a steam deck) on a road trip or something, busting through a few levels. a lot of the levels near the end (im talking level 30 out of 31) took way too long in my opinion, the punishment for failure being that you lose like 20 minutes of gameplay is like a jumpscare in a game that was so fast-paced until then. but other than that, target hit, congrats game

it does a lot for replayability too, which was super important when it came out and still underappreciated now. i was a pretty poor kid, so i ended up just replaying levels in mario 3d land over and over again. games with seemingly endless content like final fantasy tactics a2 were like a godsend, you can just keep playing and playing forever! nowadays i feel like people value shorter games more then ever, but that might just be that im an adult with spending power, so ive got a life with errands and shit AND ive got like a million other games on my backlog.

but i digress. there are titles that you can earn based on your performance in a level, some of which are mutually exclusive. they mostly exist to point you towards scenarios they accounted for and dont want the player to miss out on. like, theres a title for if you reach a village before lava is meant to destroy it, which gives unique dialog. theres also a bunch of equipment in each level that you usually have to go out of your way to grind for, and you dont have a lot of time to waste in this game so it asks for juuuuust enough strategy.

oh yeah, the dialog. this game has a pretty irreverent tone. it likes to parody jrpg conventions, with the villains pointing out that their apocalypse spell will kill them too, and npcs in distress snork mimimimimi snork mimimimi. sorry i dozed off for a sec, im just kinda sick of irony. i feel like i dont have to tell you that it kidna sucks when something is afraid to take itself seriously. that said, i feel like the game does a good job at keeping the tone consistent and keeping it from being annoying. believe it or not, this game doesnt wanna waste your time, so it keeps the quips brief. also the skip button is lightning fast. all in all, not to my taste, but it does what it sets out to do well, so its hard to really insult it for that

theres also, allegedly, a ton of additional modes to unlock when you beat the main game. they shake up the gameplay WAY more than i was expecting, they have totally different fundamental mechanics. evil lord 30 is about summoning different minions suited for different tasks to defeat enemies, like a real-time strategy instead of a jrpg. i love the magic circle mechanic, its so simple but it does a great job of building risk/reward when the time limit is still a major factor. then theres princess 30, which is a fucking shoot em up? theyre all complete with 30 levels and stories that are just as fleshed out as the main campaign (for what thats worth), although there arent the same depths of branching paths and optional equipment. i was VERY presently surprised

but uh... thats where it ended for me. theres supposed to be knight 30 but it just kinda didnt unlock, even though it says online its supposed to show up after you beat the first three modes, which i did. its a shame i couldnt play around with it, but im not unsatisfied with the experience i had. it used to go on sale for like 3 bucks but it hasnt budged from the full $11 since last year, so... i guess i lucked out? personally, i think thats a prefectly acceptable asking price if youve got some space change on you, especially if youre more of a completionist type and you know youre gonna squeeze the extra value out of getting all the titles and shit. for everyone else, its worth a shot if you dont mind more repetitive gameplay loops. if you dont die and skip all the cutscenes and everything you could probably beat this game before the refund window is up, so there ya go

half-minute verdict. i had fun, but i dunno if i would buy it for 10 bucks. humour was meh but i liked the gameplay gimmick and i really like the replay value. wish it didnt screw me outta knight 30

[student-in-nightraven]

hello!^^ this is my first request [its been a really long time since ive acc requested on tumblr and stuff so sorry if im crusty o(TヘTo) , ps how are you? :D] could i please have a twisted wonderland match make personality: im a person would will throw myself on you as a 'hug' , and i will roast the mfing out of u if you're super annoying [pls i acc nice] , i hate hate hate when fights break out in my class but ill stil give a non-biased report on every.single.detail. I can lose my temper quickly and would "talk back" even though its hard to control my mouth , anyways i love cats i will litterly miss my bus for petting a cat. i wont budge if you shout scream or even hit i really wont bother if you're just downright giving me a headache , i love to just drop kick people like i did once when it was on accident but my friend fell on her back and i was apologetic. MBTI:intp likes: reading [a really big bookworm] , i like to play on my switch and i dont personally like art but im good at it , i love creative writing and and im in the makes of making own , its a dark angsty novel if ya wanna know.[ a lil sneak peak 'As Francis held the remaining petals, his sobs were filling up the silence in the hole of his mind yet no sound truly came out. he felt that his legs fail to support him no longer as he collapsed into the pitch black void of his feelings....'] i like desserts and sour things , dislikes:i really really hate being confronted, and i hate over working to much since i feel exhausted . i hate being accused a lot and i really really really hate being bullied. appearance: shoulder length dark-brown hair with hazel coloured eyes, i short despite my age and was mistaken for a person about 2 grades/years younger than me 😭 , i wear blue ombre glasses! [ps. dont overwork your self on anything - a new follower☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*��]

Awe well aren't you just the sweetest!! I match you with...

..

... Ace!

Can I just say, c h a o t i c. But in a cute way😻

We all know how it went down when ace first met yuu, so when he was being a little ass you did NOT hesitate to put him in his place, after a little rivalry you grew closer and instead of being eachothers problem decided to be the nrcs problem ✨

Ace is cheering you on whenever you're beefing with riddle, which to may I add is basically every single day- I mean who are you to blame? He is overly strict and someone has to be brave enough to tell him so, which is why ace bows to you, and as a gift gifts you a cherry pie which he made himself! (I hc he's good at baking especially when it's related to cherries)

expects praises but doesn't at the same time, like he'll be all "oh I'm such a good boyfriend I deserve compliments!!" and when you actually compliment him he freezes and blushes;

He is so jealous of grim, he can't pry your hANDS OFF OF HIM, you're holding grim 24/7 and ace just stares at you, with tears in his eyes/hj

Asked vil if he could turn him into a cat once. no joke, he actually did. he was a ginger cat with the softest fur-

You gasped and immediately cradled the cat in your arms unaware of who it really was, coincidentally the spell wore off soon and he turned into his original form which you were barely able to hold;

He definitely takes glances at what you're writing " is it about mee?~" "Ace for the last time, NO-"

You dropkicked him and he deserved it

If you accidentally overworked or are close to it he immediately runs up to you and drags you far away from your desk, bringing you anywhere else to either cause trouble or just relax, yep ladies gentlemen he can relax, crazy ik.

But yeah he may be an ass but he cares so much about you, loves you dearly but wouldn't admit it out loud unless you were asleep, then he whispers it, you smirk and he chokes on his words and yells at you once he realises you were awake

Thank you for the request dear annon! Your book sounds very interesting, I might take a peek👀, bye for now! Have an amazing week<3

[payphonex]

Well, this is the first time I've written in almost 3 years. I'm not even sure what to say, honestly. I feel like my entire life has been taken from me. I feel like I've forgotten how to write.

Am i supposed to be angry? in love? sad?

lost?

Im lost. I dont know who I am anymore. I gave up everything for this toxic relationship. I stopped going to bars, seeing my friends. i stopped talking to anybody especially over text because everything would be read. I stopped taking phone calls unless i was home alone, which was rare. I learned to shut up, not talk about my emotions because it would be such a big fight; i wasnt paying attention to how she felt when i was upset. Even now, as im writing this i am terrified she'll see it.

She'll say something, she always does. She'll disapprove and ill be in trouble.

again.

We broke up, about 3 weeks ago. I moved to Tennessee. Im finally with my dad. Honestly, the only reason i didnt stay in town was because i finally had the courage to block my mom.

Maybe the universe was telling me it was time to go.

I finally listened.

I dont know how to feel anymore. What im supposed to feel, ya know? In some aspects i feel numb. Im alone out here, truly alone. I guess the good thing about that is i cant get hooked on cocaine again.

I crave it all the fucking time. Being sober for 2 years really doesnt matter when i still smell it laying in bed.

I guess i can thank my sobriety on my now ex, we did get sober together. I cant thank her enough for that.

You know, its weird being back on here. I feel like i could throw up just downloading the app. My old account was deleted, my ex swears it wasnt her but im sure ill never know.

I found you again, i re-read some of things you had written. I really have been looking through rose coldered glasses when it came to you. The pain of losing you in my life was so fucking real for months.

atleast until i realized you truly threw me under the bus. like i was just some freak obsessed with you. I loved you, you were my family.

we were 'inseperable'. Remember? you said that.

"I understand that it'll never be us, part of me knew that it never would be, but i decided to let you fall anyway. make me think it was wrong."

You remember that? you wrote that. I can finally let you know,

it.

was.

wrong.

Because youre so stuck in my fucking head that it is hard to breathe. People still tell me about you, I could never truly get away from you.

I cant forget those nights.

I never could wipe away the fucking smell of lavender and vanilla

Ive never been good at cleaning windows either. Im sure your finger prints are still covering the view i could have had.

You've always been such a good liar. Keeping my at your hip for a backup plan just long enough to leave me drowning again.

The last time i heard your voice was the night my ex called you. I was plastered, black out drunk. I found out my tumblr was deleted that night.

I hit her. Busted her lip because i couldnt let go of you. So she called you. Of course you didnt answer, but the next morning you called me off of a friends phone. She forced me to answer the call.

You sounded like you fucking hated me. Why?

because you lead me on? because you got caught up in the consequences of YOUR actions?

you responded to me! when i wrote about you. You always replied. always.

It was never "leave me alone" or "we need to stop this"

You played me. you fucking used me.

you.

you fucking hurt me.

and i shouldve known better. but youre angry at me? annoyed with me?

it was easy for you to drop me, wasnt it?

I liked one of your posts. im sure youre gonna block me now. i bet you didnt even read this.

im letting you go. i guess this is my goodbye. im moving on and it feels good to finally express myself again. dont worry, my tumblrs always been my own private thing, noone you know will see this, incase youre embarrassed.

[tyrantzeye]

ykw fuck it its not like i have a ton of other things i should be doing rn(sarcasm).... NOW LADIES AND GENTLEMEN AND OTHER ASSORTED FOLK, I NOW PRESENT: ASTOR LOSES HIS SHIT OVER PENELOPE SCOTT'S NEW EP, GIRLS' NIGHT!

verse 1: I've been over the moon for you ever since I met you / You drew the poison from my bloodstream and the salt from both my eyes / You were on loop inside my soul and in my bedroom / And the blood from your mouth drew my eyes up to the sky

verse 1 might be my favorite verse ever written on the face of planet earth....we have the iconic song title mention that almost doesnt match up w the metaphor???? idk ive never seen over the moon used as like aterm for love but rather for happiness in general and based on the other lyrics its not like yk. THAAAT happy. anyways line 2 implies healing and could be interpreted one of two ways - "you make me stop crying" or "you make me cry more" , i personally prefer the latter for reaons to be seen☆ but eifhsr way its such a beautiful line that just fucking CLICKS yk? next one music reference!!!!!!!!!!! i like to think this is where the Depressioncore comes out in tbe song,☆ bc if u play a song on loop for too long u get sick of it no matter how much u love it n every1 has different limits but it all runs oit eventually and the final line of the verse kinda sorta makes a reference to the bloodstream line, maybe implying the poison removal required a vampiric extraction of the blood itself as opposed to just removing the poison, ultimately hurting more than helping, leading to falling over backwards WHICH BRINGS US TOOOO

chorus¹: And on God, I love you / I'll keep you here with me / If I have to fight every devil in Hell / Then I'll run out of blood to bleed / Before I lose you

DIES DIES DIES DIES DIES DIES so we have a lot of blood motifs in this song and i personally like to thnk its sort of a monster reference thing and this tie to the moon and night and these traditional horror.monsyers everyone knows about and how you could use vampire shit as a general metaphor for like affection(of all forms cough cough) and werewolves for a loss of control yk.?? but also blood is what keeps us alive and shows the more ACCURATE observation of "you are worth so much to me that i would give up my Life Juice in your name"bc tbis wbole song is ab longing and wishing that a dead relationship woukd rise again(HAHAHAAHAH VAMPIRE) and that yr js not ready to let n matter how much pain it causes and ws see that escalate with each verse☆ and its fuckinf BEAUTIFUL my dude

verse 2: Every war has its casualties and mine are no exception / I've lost young and handsome soldiers, and it haunts me behind the eyes / In my most recent endeavors I burned six or seven lovers / They were beautiful and innocent, and I had to trade them for my life

we move on from these vague maybe monster references to war similies and metaphors , which is probably a reference to current world events but also showcases how this sort of thng makes you feel inside bc theres this thing ab loss and war thats so emphasized overall even if in the wrong way and penelope compares it to how she feels ab her previous relationships n how she had to sacrifice them so she could find what makes her happy but at what cost? at what point is ANY of it worth it if she has to live with this guilt of feeling like shes betrayed these people forever and ever who were innocent and full of joy and hopes just like she once was before it all came to this? it haunts her like trauma would and it probably is trauma bu UGHDDHDDHSHDH THE WAR METAPHOR MAKES IT HIT SM MORE DIFFERENT sorry next one next one

chorus²: And on God, I love you / I'll save you from that fate / If I have to kill every angel in Heaven / I will snatch you back from the grave / And you will live to see my bed another day

GRAAAGDHHEJSJENSJNHESJ THIS IS MY FAV CHORUS EVR ALSL i feek like this is where everythung kinda ckicks in yr head n u get what shes talking ab SO we start off with a reference to the previous verse, stating that she wont let that happen to her current partner at evwey cost, rven turning to the evil of the world("killing every angel in heaven") just to mane sure this relationship that was doomed from the start stays afloat N BREAK 4 A MOMENT MID SENTENCE i woild like 2 point out the contradiction of "on god i love you" and "if i have to kill every angel in heaven" n ik ong is a figure of speech or whtvr tf internet vernacular but i feel it hits so hard in this chorus??? the very nature of this dilemna is contradictory itself and theres nothing she can do about it and it all ties back to this idea of inevitable love and ievitable failure of tjat love but having this deep need for human connection that youll dtick with it even if it hurts you to the core even if she has to bleed out and kill and fight and struggle she will keep this alive and going because what else is there to fight for? and what else is there to do but wake up in ned the next day with someone she can at least pretend she loves?

SUMMARY: over the moon is a song about yearning for love in a loveless relationship and refusing to give up at all costs, and this is showcased in every verse and line and woven deep into the core of the song and emphasized by the way everything conflicts and every sentiment eventually just leaves one person alone in the aftermath despite all the efforts taken to avoid it.and yeahsjes!!!!!

might cave in and post lyrical analysis of my favorite songs

[poison-note]

Reminder to all my neurodivergent friends out there that recovering from a meltdown/breakdown takes time.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

[tiredsoundsofagnes]

the first week of the year has gone past us! i want to start documenting and using tumblr as some type of diary - so here's a lot of pictures and writing about the week!!! if you all find it interesting then i'd gladly post more stuff like this (i will do it anyways but i want to know if its fun to read or not??) OK HERE IT IS:

me n my beloved before the first indie club! very cute very cute in my opinion >:) i was a bit nervous since this was the first club of the year and there was gonna be like. A LOT of people since it was the only club open in this bastard city.

speakin of cute... heres us right before i started playing! first pic is adorable and i look goofy but happy in the second one. who knew a goth and a twee kid could fall in love?! this was actually their first indieclub EVER (they do NOT like indie though so it makes sense...)

very tired outside the club... drinking the first trocadero can of the year (thanks to my friend axel) this was the fifth of january (or technically the 6th since it was 4 am)

then we went home, slept like angels until 1 pm, ordered pizza, kept watching the owl house and just enjoyed being around eachother. i have never been this in love before and it feels like ive met the love of my life? more about that in the future...

on to the 7th of january... this was a DJ set at a new "rock" restaurant. i have eaten there once before and it was really really cool, they only played REALLY good indie. they hit me up on instagram and were like "hi we have heard you are a super good dj, we want you to have a club in our bar" and i was like DAMN OK. i invited a bunch of pals and played for five hours! IT WAS SO SO SO FUN??? there was no dancefloor so the focus was on singalong...

here was my outfit before it got hellishly hot! twee as fuck! my swaged out computer and its stickers right by my side...

SILLY PIC OF ME AND MY BELOVED MID SET! idk how they can be so cute but hey thats life innit mate...

me and my friend simon during the last song of the night... my friend was like HEY LETS TAKE AN INDIE SLEAZE PIC and we were like YES. the white stuff on the tip of my nose was from kissing my partner. the struggles of loving a goth huh....... anyways simon is a legend, we met through going to the same indie clubs and connected because we are always the most energetic dumbasses in the dance floor. he always bombs me with love when i play and says stuff like "YOU ARE THE BEST DJ IN TOWN" and it was my silly little heart <3

we catched the last bus home and slept until late. the next two days consisted of me and my partner (oh yeah their name is tilda hi) being in bed watching dumb shit and being cute. we baked a pizza and it owned. they took the train to their stupid little town and we cried. we might see eachother very soon though, ill keep yall updated!

THAT WAS THE FIRST WEEK! THANKS FOR READING IF U DID!

[illogicallyinclined]

I’ve seen you Orange!Logan, ((rlly good btw. Absolutely love it!! ❤️✨)), and Ive been wondering.. How would he interact with Deceit (Janus) and Remus?? Should would he be able to tolerate more?

i love thinking about the orange boy, so i’m glad to see you’ve been enjoying him too. now, as to how he’d vibe with The Boys(TM)...

Janus

Orange!Logan’s (AKA OrLo’s) interaction’s with Janus are, for the longest time, surprisingly wholesome. Logan -- regular, blue boy edition -- gets along with Janus because they share a variety of interests and many opinions on how to look out for Thomas, so OrLo tends to vibe with Janus for the same reasons. (after all, OrLo is still Logan, just... a little more emotionally volatile than usual)

Janus, who functions in part as denial, was the first to learn that Logan doubles as the Orange side, because it was Logan’s vehement denial of his own emotions that eventually led to them overflowing to the point that he changed colors over it. needless to say, Janus was quick to run damage control upon seeing OrLo for the first time.

one important thing to note is that Janus doesn’t really like seeing Logan as the orange side, not because OrLo is cruel to him or aggressive towards him, but because Logan only goes Orange when either he or Thomas has hit a breaking point, so seeing him that way indicates that either he or Thomas has been emotionally damaged to an awful and quite frankly unacceptable degree

having said that, a lot of OrLo’s early interactions with Janus involve Janus trying to calm Logan down from his emotional state, either by attempting to engage in his interests or by giving him the space to break down and cry/yell/otherwise vent these emotions out. 

Janus actually serves as such a grounding force for OrLo that OrLo sometimes seeks Janus out when the anger and frustration and grief get to be Too Much. after all, the other sides have a habit of talking over Logan and ignoring his input, and there’s no one who can empathize with that more than Janus.

however, after the events of Putting Others First, OrLo’s grudge extends to Janus as well because, even if he didn’t mean to, Janus kind of... threw Logan under the bus hard. (figuratively speaking, of course)

POF marked the third time that Janus actively silenced and/or sidelined Logan (first, in Can Lying Be Good, then again in SvS), and Logan’s a three-strike kinda guy, so... yeah. 

the next time Logan goes Orange, Janus realizes that he unintentionally played an active part in it, and though he tries to reach out to OrLo as he has many times in the past, he’s pinned with the same wounded, angry, distrustful glare that the other light sides are and ultimately left to wonder if his relationship with Logan will ever be the same again

Remus

despite the fact that Remus has actively thrown a ninja star at Logan in the past, OrLo actually vibes with him hard anyway? 

like. it shouldn’t make sense, but it kind of does, because while the others have all hurt Logan emotionally at some point in the past, Remus has, for the most part, stuck to physical attacks, all of which Logan has been able to shrug off pretty easily

moreover, the refreshing thing about Remus is that, because he does things just for the sake of doing them (and never really for any ulterior motive), Logan can always trust that Remus will never actively try to hurt his feelings. “there’s no rhyme or reason to what i do, i just do,” indeed.

Remus, for all it’s worth, loves when Logan goes Orange, in large part because OrLo is 1000% more chaotic than Logan normally ever allows himself to be

OrLo will yell curses with Remus until both of their voices go hoarse. OrLo will come up with inventive threats and different ways to break the human body because getting these dark thoughts out there brings him a modicum of relief. OrLo will ask Remus to make a room full of glass shit in the imagination just so he can go in with a baseball bat and shatter everything in sight. 10 out of 10, Remus Approves

Logan pops up as the orange side, and while the others are all devastated and/or frightened to various degrees, Remus just excitedly waves

[forestcump]

Gentrification and The Last Black Man In San Francisco

Heres a blog I wrote lol

Joe Talbot’s The Last Black Man in San Francisco is a tale told of the heartbreaking wave of culture-annihilating gentrification that has hit one of America’s iconic metropoles. It’s sloping streets, angular row houses, and quirky residents have made it a place of myth emboldened further by its key role in radical social movements such as the Anti-War Movement, The Black Panther Party, etc. But, the story Talbot tells doesn't reflect on the history known by most (white) Americans. Instead, he tells the story of the black man in San Francisco and all of the culture that gentrification is, successfully, trying to wipe away. 

The film’s protagonist, Jimmie Failes IV, and his best friend, Montgomery Allen, take it upon themselves to maintain the house that Jimmie grew up in. The rub of the whole thing though is that neither Mont or Jimmie live there, in fact, this older Yuppie (stands for: Young, Urban Professional) couple are the owners of the property. In one of the first scenes, Jimmie is repainting the window sill in the front of the house and the woman who owns the house threatens to call the police, which is quickly met by her apologetic husband. This struck me as funny because it perfectly represents both sides of the well-meaning, affluent, white person that have become the principal population group in the city. On one side, these new folks are tired of locals giving them shit and not caring about them or their cool publishing jobs; and on the other they won’t call the cops to avoid the risk of being “like” other White people. Although humorous, this scene is a haunting reminder to viewers who are themselves victims of gentrification that this is what the final stages of the process look like. Neighborhoods once teeming with ethnic influence, devoid of the blandness of White America, have now been transformed into pricey and bland versions of the suburbs where these damn people come from. 

The role of race is also very present in this film as it does a great job establishing the symbolic gravity that happens whenever Jimmie or Mont are on the screen. This becomes especially clear when the film returns to where Jimmie and Mont actually live, which is the far-off borough of Bayview-Hunters Point. This area plays just as key a role as the decadent Victorian house that Jimmie longs for, as it establishes the result of when a cities inhabitants are priced out of not just their homes but their impact on the cities culture. In this part of the map, there are a group of local men who spend their days busting the balls of any and everybody that come their way. This group acts as Greek Chorus which provides commentary and atmosphere to scenes where Jimmie and Mont seem to be singularly focused on the old Victorian. Another character that stood out to me was a Preacher who stands on a milk crate and preaches to these men, and anybody walking past, about the insane levels of inequality that have pushed Black people so far from the city. In one scene, the Preacher is railing against this mysterious cohort of men wearing hazmat suits cleaning some sort of chemical spill in the Bay right behind where the Preacher is standing. “Why are they wearing suits and we’re not? What are they not telling us?” he roars atop his milk crate to the attention of, uh, nobody that’s listening. 

The imagery of this movie, which includes the Chorus and The Preacher, speak to the San Francisco that is fading away fast. Another image that stands out is a scene where Jimmie is waiting at a bus stop next to a nudist and they are both accosted by a party bus full of inebriated Yuppies. They roar and cackle at the sight of the nudist and proclaim him “the fuckin’ man!”, but fail to realize they’re role in the extermination of people like the nudist. Jimmie and this nude man sit silently in shared exhaustion of this wave of people storming they’re city, despite their best efforts to “be cool”, the city is dying with each yoga studio and salad bar that opens. 

Although my experience as a straight, white man has no comparison to the struggles of POC and LGBTQIA+ communities in this country, I do share the same feeling of being exiled from your own home. I grew up in Hoboken, New Jersey which has now turned into a hot bed for gentrifiers who desire to work in New York. This is yet another iconic American metropole that has had it’s soul stamped out by the wave of suburbanites who feel it is their right to claim the city as their own. This is seen, mostly, in the cost of housing and cost of living which has skyrocketed as a result of the wave of private equity money that flooded the city and whose tentacles have reached nearly every industry you could imagine. Hoboken was once a working class town that had its fair share of racial tension, as any town in this country, but it always remained genuinely Hoboken, until the real estate developers came. Wharfs and warehouses that once played a key role in the American economy were demolished and turned into apartment complexes. This obviously brought more money into the community, but soon the locals that made Hoboken were being pushed out further and further. For instance, my mother and I lived in one apartment for my entire childhood until the end of middle school but the rent got raised and we were forced to move to Jersey City. In high school, I spent most of my free time in Hoboken because that’s where my friends were but everytime the party was over and my friends walked back to their childhood homes, I had to walk across the city to the train station to get back to my new home. I felt displaced and lonely for most of my high school days as I grappled with the harsh realities of gentrification and the brutality of capitalism. It also did not help that my mother was laid off from her job in 2009 and was essentially job-less for five years. 

My childhood home was sold to a young couple from somewhere that they turned into some trendy little spot for them to live for the time being. No care was given to the memories I made there or the progress that my mother made as a single mom raising a child in this area, just a cold “Sorry, thanks for cleaning it before you left”. The coldness of gentrification is the most galling result of this phenomenon. The young people move in and immediately lust for making their mark; whether it be calling the police or 311 on locals loitering on the streets, or building breweries in old school buildings, etc. Business' that I grew up walking by every day became boarded up and replaced with hair salons and boutiques that were going to close in six months anyway. But, despite the spirit that lives in places like Hoboken, San Francisco, New York, or Boston; money always seems to win.

Watching “The Last Black Man in San Francisco” gave me a strange sense of hope because it showed me how to defend your home, even when the odds are terribly stacked against you. There was a scene at the end of the movie where Jimmie Failes is sitting on the bus and overhears these two Yuppie women shitting on San Francisco and talking about much they “hate it here”. Jimmie turns to them and tells them “you don't get to hate it unless you love it”, which doesn’t make an impact on the women, but it made an impact on me and many others who have seen the movie. Hearing transplants bitch and moan about how shitty the New York subway is or complaining about the cat that lives in the bodega makes me laugh when it used to make me sad, because I know that the city has won. What I mean by that, is that when you hear Yuppies complain about the community they’ve gentrified it's clear that they’ve failed to make “the city their own” and have succumbed to the community that was already there. Cities are magical places that are the center for so many things, but what truly makes them magical are the people that built them, whether it be physically or spiritually. So, I hope to embody the spirit of Jimmie and Mont as fierce defenders of their homes even when it doesnt even seem worth it to fight for it anymore. 

[shhh-no-ones-home]

madness (1/2)  chris motionless x reader

+++++++++ Fluff? kind of? angst? For Chris? On my account? Unheard of 😱

litterally so sorry ive only been writing smut for him so often that was never my intention, oops

Song: telephone by waterparks +++++++++

i looked endearingly at chris as the guys all played some random video game. i just sat at the table and colored in a new picture.

"hey y/n could you toss me a cookie?"

he didnt take his gaze away from the screen.

"uh yeah, what did you do with them?"

i looked around me and didnt see his pack of oreos.

"i think i put them back in my bunk, can you go look?"

i sighed.

"i guess."

"thanks."

he called as i stood up and walked to the back of the bus. he had a top bunk, that asshole, he knew i would have problem climbing up there. but i did it anyway. i scaled my way up and half hung out of his bunk as i fished around his stuff for the stupid cookies. hell i shouldve just given him one from my pack but i new he had gotten a family size and i didnt. i then found it, a piece of paper stuck to the bottom. i ripped it off and flipped it over. it said "come talk to me next time we stop, ive got a question for you." i raised my brow before hoping down from his bunk. surely this wasnt for me. could it be?

"hows it coming back there shorty?"

he called. i rolled my eyes at him and shoved the paper into my hoodie pocket. i ripped the pack of cookies open as i went back into the front of the bus, popping one in my mouth and shoving one in his. he crunched it, never once taking his attention away from the game, the same as everyone else.

"its going great, clearly."

i said, mouth half full. he looked at me for a split second.

"are you eating my cookies?"

he said mouth also half full. i swallowed.

"that was payment for having to mountain climb my way into your bunk tall ass."

all the guys laughed and he just shook his head.

"fine, ill let it slide just this once."

i sat down and returned to my coloring page.

"sure you will."

°°°°°°°°°

i stepped off of the bus and walked into the gas station with my hands in my hoodie pocket. i wanted to get a new water bottle and a snack of some kind while we were stopped but first my thoughts were to go to the bathroom and read that note again. a few of the other guys had followed in behind me.

"hey y/n you want anything?"

ryan called, looking through the chips. i turned to him and kept walking backwards.

"ill look when im done, thank you though."

he held his thumb up in the air before his attention moved back to the rack of snacks, mirroring vinny. i watched chris walk in the door and look at me as i opened the single bathroom door and walk in, locking it behind me. i pulled the note back out and reread it, this time flipping it over to see if it was addressed to someone. surely it was for me, but i wanted to know why. part of me was scared to find out, like, why would he just plant that? did he really know i would actually go get his oreos for him? what if one of the other guys volunteered? would they have been just as confused? i shook my head and shoved it back in my pocket, then turning the water on and wetting my face.

"its fine, just stop thinking about it. its nothing."

then there was a knock on the door.

"just a second."

i called out.

"y/n all the guys went back to the bus you can come out now."

shit, so it was for me. well now he must think im stalling. hell, i kind of was. ya know what, its probably nothing. it says he has a question, its probably something stupid. i opened the bathroom door and he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.

"you okay?"

he asked and i nodded, making my way to the snack aisle with him hot on my heels.

"did you see my note?"

i shrugged.

"what are you talking about?"

he looked a little disappointed.

"i, uh, left you a note in my bunk. it was with the oreos i asked you to grab earlier."

i picked up a bag of chips, never once looking at him.

"you did? oh, no i didnt see it. what did it say?"

i turned to walk further down the aisle and he followed me, he rubbed his arm nervously.

"well actually i was wondering if youd wanna go on a date with me when we get back home."

"and you wrote that on the note?"

i turned around and raised a brow at him. he was making this easier to play dumb than i thought. he fiddled with his fingers.

"well no, i actually wrote on there if you would meet me when we stopped cause i had a question, but that was the question."

he seemed really nervous and i felt a little bad now.

"oh, gotcha, uh ill have to think about it. my mom wanted me to come home for a few days when tour is over but im sure i could swing something after that."

he looked at me hopefully as i walked around and opened one of the coolers, plucking a coffee monster off the shelf.

"really?"

he smiled at me and i nodded.

"yeah, id love to go on a date with you."

he opened another freezer and grabbed two water bottles out.

"this is the kind you usually drink right?"

i nodded.

"yeah."

he followed me to the counter and i put my stuff up, getting my wallet out of my hoodie. i watched with wide eyes as the note hit the floor, message up. he looked down at it for second before picking it up and drawing his brows together.

"so, you really didnt see it?"

he questioned and i just shrugged, handing the woman behind the counter the money for our stuff.

"i wanted to see where you would take it."

i grabbed my chips and monster off the counter and he picked up the water, still holding the note.

"i kinda like where it ended."

he followed me across the lot and onto the bus.

"well you kinda made me feel like an ass."

the guys looked at us curiously as we made our way to the bunks. i shrugged and tossed my stuff in my bunk.

"how is that my problem?"

"i was actually worried someone else found it."

he said in a low town so no one else would hear. he held it up for me to see it.

"why didnt you just say you found it? did you really need to work around that?"

i shrugged and shoved my hands in my pocket, fiddling with the key chain on my wallet.

"of course i didnt but when i found it i was worried it was for someone else."

he looked at me funny.

"why would it be for someone else?"

i got a little defensive.

"i dont know!"

he covered my mouth to hush me.

"will you keep it down?"

he whispered.

"i dont need all of them knowing about this."

i sighed.

"look chris, i already agreed to go on a date with you, isnt that enought?"

he held the note back up before giving up and dropping his arm. then he sent me a look.

"i wanna know first if you actually do like me."

i raised a brow at him.

"of course i do, why would i agree to go out with you if i didnt?"

he looked down at it for a second before looking back at me.

"so, you would want to kiss me?"

i let out a quick nervous laugh.

"what?"

"would you want to kiss me?"

i could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. this is exactly why i was worried about the note.

"i mean yeah, of course i would."

then he shoved both his hands in my pocket and pushed the note into my hand. he looked down at me and i gulped.

"do you want to kiss me?"

i croaked out and he smirked. then before i knew what was actually happening he pulled me to him, both our hands still in my hoodie pocket as he crashed his lips into mine. i pulled away immediately.

"why would you do that?"

i whisper yelled at him.

"ive been wanting to do that since i met you."

his hands were still in my pocket.

"what are you two doing?"

ricky asked and chris ripped his hands away from me.

"y/n said her hands were cold, just trying to help out."

chris smiled at ricky before looking down at me and walking past him to the front of the bus. ricky stepped closer to me.

"you okay y/n?"

i nodded.

"yeah, perfectly fine, much warmer now thats for sure."

he nodded before going to his bunk. i sat down on the edge of mine and burried my face in my hands. god, that just happened.

[etherealwaifgoddess]

More Time - Chpt.16

Summary: In the wake of Bucky’s accident another unexpected hurdle is thrown into their lives. Stronger together than apart, the three grow closer as they face this new reality together.  Master list can be found HERE.

Warnings/ Content: A little angsty, lots of feels. 

Word Count: 2.9k

Author’s Note: I’m so sorry for that last cliff hanger, lovelies! I really am. Be patient though, we need to get through the woods in this chapter so our three main characters can move forward in their lives together. XOXO - Ash

Chapter Sixteen

So they waited. Neither Steve nor Emma was willing to leave the ICU waiting room so they alternated between sitting huddled together on an assortment of love seats and sofas, and pacing around the room. Pepper, Happy, Bruce, and Helen all urged them to consider getting some sleep or a shower or a decent meal but it fell on deaf ears. What sleep they got was leaning on each other in their seats. The food they picked at with disinterest was from the vending machine or what someone brought them. Steve would tell Emma stories from their childhood, good memories he had of Bucky when they were young, before the war started. Sometimes he’d get so lost in a particular memory his eyes would glass over and he’d trail off mid-sentence, the rest of his words caught by the lump in his throat. Emma told Steve about all the nights Bucky had come to visit her solo at Matty’s. How his smile had charmed her even when she had tried to ignore it. The way he was so easy to talk to because he genuinely listened and cared about what she had to say. 

For two days they waited, the time passing feeling both too long and non existent. It was like they were trapped in the same moment in an infinite loop, frozen in time by their fear. The only thing keeping them from completely falling apart was the comfort they drew from one another’s presence. The one time when Emma had run off to the bathroom Steve looked around the empty waiting room realizing if it weren’t for her, he would have been all alone there waiting for Bucky to wake up. The pain in his chest doubled and he pushed past the thought, unable to think about how unbearable that would have been. And if Steve had clung to Emma a little harder after she returned, she didn’t mention a thing. 

It was Bruce who came to get them after Bucky woke up. It was like a dam breaking as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Tears streamed from both their faces anew, relief and joy washing over them in waves. Steve started asking Bruce questions but he told them that they didn’t know much yet.  Helen and the other doctors were busy running a series of tests and scans now that he was awake. They wouldn’t know much until the doctors had the results. As much as the pair wanted to see him right away, Bruce made them slow down as he led them back to Bucky’s room so that the doctor’s had time to finish up. 

A tall, grey haired man came out of Bucky’s ICU room to let them know the scans were complete and they were free to go in. His only request was that they go easy on Bucky who was not entirely out of the woods yet. Steve and Emma nodded in unison, eager to get in Bucky’s room no matter what. When they finally were allowed through the large white doors it was like they could finally breathe again.

Bucky was reclining in a large white hospital bed, IV’s coming out of his right arm. His left was removed, sitting off on the far side of the room in a case for safe keeping. They had cleaned him up a bit but his hair was still disheveled and his beard had grown out a bit to the point where it was a proper beard, not just the scruff he usually kept it as. The bruises hadn’t all faded and he looked paler than usual, deep purple-blue crescents under his eyes. 

“Buck.” Steve choked out, his voice breaking.

Bucky looked over at Steve, his brow furrowed, “I’m sorry,” he said, “Do I know you?”

Emma felt like she’d been punched. She barely got her arms around Steve as he started to collapse. 

“Stevie no!” Bucky cried, eyes wide. “Shit, I was kidding!” he tried to scramble out of the hospital bed but two nurses immediately put their hands on his shoulders to keep him down. 

“Fucking punk.” Steve panted. He pulled his inhaler out from his pants pocket and took two long puffs with shaking hands.

Emma was caught between wanting to hug Bucky and smack him. “You can’t do that to us!” she scolded him. 

Once Steve was steady on his feet and breathing better, he and Emma made their way over to Bucky who gave them each a one armed hug, letting them hang on as long as they needed. He apologized to them both repeatedly for his ill-timed attempt at humor. They talked with the doctors for a while once they returned from the lab. Bucky would be okay, his brain scans were all fine, the bruises were healing, he just needed to wait out the break in his leg and be careful around the stress fractures along a few of his ribs on his right side. His right leg was going to be in a cast from his hip to his ankle for at least a month, maybe longer, and then he’d probably still need a brace after that for a little while. It was hard to gauge his healing ability but a normal person would be looking at six months in a cast and then a long road of physical therapy. Bucky was dreading every moment of his recovery. 

After he woke up the hospital only kept him another day for observation before Steve and Emma were allowed to take him home. They were all restless by the time they got the all clear and couldn’t wait for a decent meal and their own bed. Emma had taken time off from the bar, letting them know there had been a family emergency and she would be out for a little while. She was thankful for her saved up vacation time and her savings account. Nothing was more important than being there for Bucky and Steve at that point. 

Bucky was forced into a wheelchair to leave the hospital despite vehement protesting. It was policy, super soldier or not. At least they let him put his arm back on when he had gotten dressed. The trio felt, and looked, pretty grungy as they blinked against the midday sun; seeing the outside the world for the first time in three days. The sidewalk was packed with people. Some holding signs of well wishes and others holding cameras and microphones. Steve and Emma helped Bucky into the back of the car while Happy did his best to shoo the reporters away. The hospital staff intervened, making the crowd disperse so they could safely navigate the car out and away. It was frustrating but Steve and Bucky just sighed, resigned to the fact that this was life in the public eye. Avengers didn’t always have the luxury of peace and quiet. 

Bucky sat between Steve and Emma, wincing every so often when the car bounced over a pothole. It wasn’t a terribly long drive but it was enough to wear Bucky out and they got him into their enormous bed as soon as they got home. 

Emma offered to call in a food order and Steve was doing damage control with Pepper over the phone. He understood that the public was worried about Bucky and wanted to know how he was doing, that was okay. What worried him were the photos. The world didn’t know what had happened in Bruce’s lab yet and he was reluctant to have the news break just yet. He liked living in relative anonymity now that he was back in his smaller body. No one stopped him on the streets anymore, he could come and go as he pleased. He knew it was only a matter of time but he just wasn’t ready yet. Pepper promised to do her best but let him know that it was likely already circulating. 

It only took an hour for the news to hit the internet. An hour after that, it was on TV. Pepper called apologizing but Steve knew she had done her best. There would need to be a press statement released. Steve gave her the okay to give a blanket “we’ll do an interview soon” statement and they would have a trusted reporter come to the apartment soon for an interview that could be taped and aired later. Steve was used to seeing the best and worst of humanity, he was still considered a hero and a criminal in turns. What he didn’t expect was for Emma to get drug into their mess. A few of the reporters had snapped pictures of her with them, the affection between all three clear as day. Stories circulated, most painting ugly scandals but some just asking “who is the mystery woman”. 

Bucky came limping out on his crutches to find Emma and Steve sitting together and watching the news, their hands tightly entwined. “What’s going on?” he asked, his voice filled with concern. 

Steve jumped at the sound of his voice, not having realized he was up out of bed. “Oh, you know, the news.” Steve tried to play it off but Emma’s stricken face told the whole story. 

Bucky could easily guess what happened. He saw the reporters at the hospital as they were leaving and he was well accustomed to being smeared in the media. “They saw you didn’t they. They know.” he guessed.

Steve nodded, “Yeah, they know. I couldn’t hide forever.” 

Bucky crutched over to join him, sitting on Steve’s side to wrap an arm around the smaller man. “It’ll be okay. It’ll be in the news for a while but it’ll die down eventually.” 

“They got pictures of us, and Emma. There’s… There’s a lot of speculation about the three of us. Especially about you and I.” 

“Well, we figured that would get out eventually anyway. It’s not like we’ve hidden what we are to each other since I got out of cryo.”

“We’ve never confirmed anything either though. And now Emma is wrapped up in this too. They’re making it sound like we’ve abducted her into some type of polygamist cult.” 

“Hey!” Emma protested, “I don’t care what they’re saying in the news. I knew the risk I was taking the minute we agreed to give this relationship a try.”

“But you shouldn’t have t-” 

“Nope, stop it right now Steve. I knew what I was risking. And you’re worth it. You’re both worth it. I wouldn’t give a minute of what we have just because some online bullies think what we’re doing is wrong.” 

Bucky was grinning ear to ear watching Emma’s temper flare. She was so brave even in the face of their quiet little world exploding around them. He knew then that she’d be fine no matter what the outside world threw at them. Bucky had to let himself give her the same trust that he gave Steve. “So what do we do next then?” he asked. 

Steve still looked torn but continued with a small huff. He was a master strategist, after all, and the moves were the same dealing with the media as they were in a war zone. “Well, we have to get a head of this thing before it blows out of proportion. If you’re feeling up to it we’ll get Diane from NBC to come over tomorrow and do an interview. We show them that you’re alive and well, talk about our plans for your recovery, make it abundantly clear that yes we are together and that Emma is a new addition to our lives. We’ll have to address my lack of serum somehow but we’ll be vague and keep the conversation moving. Pepper will make sure we control the dialogue so we can get the right message across the way we want it.” 

“That sounds like a plan.” Bucky agreed.

“I need to run home and get some clothes if I’m going to be on TV.” Emma told them nervously.

“You don’t have to be on TV unless you want to be. We can confirm you exist without giving up your identity.” Steve offered, giving her one last out.

Emma shook her head, “No, I’m in this now. I won’t sit in the shadows and let you two do this alone. I just never thought I’d be on TV. It seems kinda daunting.” 

“You get used to it.” Bucky shrugged.

Emma couldn’t imagine ever getting used to it but she knew she would manage with the guys by her side. 

xxXxx

Bucky was like a whole new person the next morning after a full night’s rest and a few good meals. The shower helped the most, though he hated having to let Steve and Emma wrap his leg in a garbage bag so he could go in. He tried to be as self sufficient as he could but Emma and Steve were like a pair of mother hens fussing over him. A small part of him enjoyed letting them fuss, it was sweet and who would complain about being loved on by the two most amazing people in the world? It was love, he knew it for certain. They hadn’t said the words to Emma yet but the feeling was there. It was unmistakable in the little looks she and Steve gave each other as they moved around the kitchen cooking breakfast, the way she insisted on taking care of Bucky’s hair for him so it would be shiny and nice on TV, the sweet words of apology she gave General when she had to move his cat condo to make room for the camera crews equipment. Spoken or not, the love was there and he was going to make sure she knew it sooner rather than later. 

Diane Hastings showed up at their apartment at eleven o’clock on the dot. She was a statuesque whirlwind of polished professionalism but who often let them drive the conversation in interviews. She was a bright woman who knew when to push and when to back off, happy to get exclusive interview rights even if it meant she had to bite her tongue from time to time.

Steve greeted her warmly, welcoming them into their home. She raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow when Steve said “our home” but didn’t ask. Bucky stayed put on the sofa, as much as it pained him to be impolite he knew the interview would be draining and wasn’t going to push himself. Diane was solicitous asking if he was comfortable and letting him know if they needed to stop or move to a different spot they could. She didn’t quite know what to make of Emma but she was polite, shaking her hand and making small talk. It was clear questions were flying through her head but Diane, ever the professional, kept them to herself. 

Steve was seated between Bucky and Emma, holding each of their hands in his own. They could do this, together. With one last long look between the three of them the cameras started rolling and started the chain of events that would change all of their lives irrevocably. 

xxXxx

The interview aired at 6pm that night after a few rounds of editing by the station’s crew and representatives for Steve and Bucky. It was condensed into a ninety minute broadcast despite taping much longer. They had mixed feelings about watching but agreed it was good to see how it played out after the editing. The three of them curled up on the sofa together in their usual spots sharing an assortment of Chinese food right out of the cartons. It was better than they expected in the end. The world was going to be a very different place for all three of them, for better or worse. 

The world knew Bucky would be out of commission for a few months until he was healed enough to return to work full time. He gave a moving call for aid to help the areas impacted by the earthquakes. It was explained that Steve’s serum was gone and it was permanent. They skated around the issue by claiming the details were classified. They spoke about their lives together and their joy about having moved back to Brooklyn. Diane was smiling with genuine happiness for them when Bucky confirmed that yes, he and Steve were in love and had been for a very long time. They clarified that he was bisexual while Steve was pansexual. Emma was brought into the conversation at that point, the three of them sharing an abridged version of how they’d met. Both men were impressed with how poised and composed Emma stayed under the scrutiny of the video cameras. She was well spoken and witty, making sure the world understood that they were just like any other couple trying to live their lives quietly together. They all knew there would be more questions but for now it was enough. Pepper could release statements as needed after that. 

Steve and Bucky’s phones lit up with congratulations from their friends shortly after the interview ended and Emma was surprised a few of her friends sent her well wishes too. It was a strange feeling having her life on display for the world but she was more than willing to deal with it if it meant she was able to stay together with her guys.

Tag list lovelies: @godofplumsandthunder​ @remilupin22​ @supraveng​ @hiddles-rose​

If anyone wants added or removed please lmk!

[allmight-amiright]

Redo. Bakugou Katsuki

Request: hey hey hey! Your angst is well, angsty. I love it, could you do a Bakugo&Reader fighting a villain with a quirk that can erase memories and the reader gets caught by their quirk? I love your writing keep it up!

Word count:2.5K

Warnings: Swears

Notes:  If you don’t think Bakugou says ‘yo,’ you can fight me. Can we also make it canon that Bakugou loves saying shit like “THAT’S MY WIFE”

It was just a normal Wednesday afternoon where Bakugou was concerned.  Sure, you got called off on a mission, but that wasn’t going to stop him. He had work to do.  It was Wednesday and Wednesday meant trash day, mid-week laundry day, and “Bakugou, please, for the love of All Might, organize your dresser drawers” day.  With you out on a mission, that also meant that he was in charge of dinner so the two of you could eat when you were done. 

Bakugou felt like a housewife straight out of the 1950s.  He had a bandana to hold his hair away from his face.  He had an apron protecting his black t-shirt.  It was your flower-y apron, but it was an apron nonetheless.  He had been balancing a number of different tasks during the day, making sure his pasta didn’t boil over, folding and putting away your laundry, making the bed, paying attention to his favorite soap opera so he could discuss with Kirishima later, cleaning out the fridge, and anything else he could think of that needed to be done.

He was draining his pasta when his phone started to buzz and play the tune that he had set to your contact.  He hit the speaker button and continued dumping his noodles into the strainer.  “Hey, babe.  How’s it going?” He asks.

“Woah.  Didn’t realize we had reached ‘babe’ status,” a voice that is very much not yours answers with a laugh.

“Oh, hey, Kirishima.  Dude! Did you see today’s episode?!”

“Dude! Jessica!”

“I know! She’s totally going to get murdered by her ex-husband’s new girlfriend’s son.”

“He’s so gonna kill her! Okay, but Ivan, though?  I didn’t like him, but I think he’s growing on me.”

“Yeah, he and Karen stole that baby and he’s like a new dude.  A good dad?  Now that’s something I can get behind.  It’s really too bad that the baby was just a scheme set up by Karen so she could leave the baby with Ivan and sneak off with Derek.”

“Yeah, it’s gonna suck when Ivan finds out.  But, he’s not find out for at least another three months.”

“Dude, I know,” Bakugou says, sighing.  Then he remembers.  “Yo, why do you have Y/N’s phone?”

“Oh, yeah! So, here’s the shit.  Dropped my phone in the ambulance on the way here, so one of the EMT guys is go-”

Bakugou’s smile drops.  He sets the pot in the sink, holding his phone up to his ear.  “Why did you need an ambulance, Kirishima?” He growls.

“Oh, I didn’t! Y/N did,” Kirishima says nonchalantly, as if it really wasn’t a big deal and that it was as normal as catching a bus.

“What the hell did you do to my wife!”

“Oh! Right! That’s why I called you. See,” Kirishima’s composure switches from his typical cheer to more of a nervous shake, but most people did that when they had to talk to an angry Bakugou, especially if it concerned you.  

“I swear on your mother’s life, if you let any villain lay a finger on my wife, I will personally cut off your toes and shove them down your throat!” Bakugou threatens, his rage bubbling with each passing moment.

“No! Dude, she’s fine! Well, kind of… Like, she’s definitely awake, sitting right here next to me.”

“Then, let me talk to her.”

“Well, about that… Maybe you should talk to her in person.”

“Remember Kirishima, if I get there and there’s as much as a scr-”

“Yeah, I know, dude.  Toes.  Yum.  Gotcha.  Stop threatening me and come here.”

Bakugou didn’t need to be told twice.  He had already hung up the phone and was half way out the door. “Shoes, keys, phone, wallet,” he mutters to himself, patting his pockets before leaving.

But he came bursting back through the door a few moments later with a simple, “Fuck, my chicken!”  He yanked open the oven, grabbing the dish of chicken breasts, ready to be added to the pasta, recoiling as the scalding hot pan seared his hand. Bakugou released a stream of swears as he held his hand under the now running tap, digging in a drawer for a pot holder. With his new safety precaution, he removed the chicken, setting it down on top of the stove before sprinting out the door. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He stood at the front desk at the hospital, tapping his fingers against the desk impatiently, waiting for a receptionist.  A tired young man emerged from around the corner and took a seat and gave Bakugou a polite smile. “What can I do for you, sir?”

“I need to see Y/N Bakugou.”

“Okay,” he murmured, typing your name into his computer.  “What’s the relation?”

“She’s my wife! I should get to see her!”

“Can I see your ID?”

“This is ridiculous,” Bakugou grumbled, pulling his ID out of his wallet and handing it to the guy behind the counter.  

The receptionist doesn’t say anything, checking the information on the ID to the information Kirishima had written on your patient forms.  “Okay, sir, everything seems to match up, Ms. Bakugou is on the seventh floor, room 737.  Just go through those doors and the elevator will be to your left.”

“Thanks,” he mutters, sliding his ID back in his wallet and starts to walk away.  “Oh, hey, by the way, that’s Mrs. Bakugou to you.”

Up the elevator and down the hall he went.  He practically slammed the door to your room open.  “Alright, dumbass, what-” He’s greeted by the horrified stare of a little girl hooked up to an IV.  He looked at the number plaque on the door.  747. Shit. “I’m so sorry.  I’ll just be going,” he says, starting to leave. 

“Hey, mister!”

“Yeah, kid?”

“Are you that one superhero with the fire?”

“Yeah, that’s me.  Listen, kid, I’m a little busy right n-”

“You and the really nice lady are married, right?”

He couldn’t help but laugh at you being referred to as ‘the really nice lady.’  He knew just how feisty you could be, especially with him.  He had seen you red hot mad, threatening to smack him with a spoon.  He knew that you could and would kick his ass given a good enough reason.  But he also had seen you out in the field, saving civilians.  It brought out your motherly nature and what being a hero was all about, helping people.  So, he figures he could see where she got the idea.

“Yeah, I am,” he answers, smiling a little, running his thumb over his silver wedding band. 

“She saved my life today, but I didn’t get to tell her thank you.  So, can you give this to her?” The girl holds up a folded piece of paper with a crudely drawn image of you and the girl on the front with ‘Thank you’ written in purple crayon, but it was spelled more like ‘Thak yew,’ but it’s the sentiment that matters, right?

Bakugou walked over to her and crouched down so he was level with her.  “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take this to her, and when she’s all good to go, I’ll bring her by for a quick visit, okay?”

Her eyes lit up as she clutched the teddy bear that was wearing a little mask that was similar to the one you wear.  “You’d really do that? She’s my favorite!”

“I’m sure that she’d love to meet you.  Now, I have to go find her, but I’ll make sure she gets your card.”

“Thank you, mister!”

“Of course.  Feel better, kid.”  Bakugou walked out of the room, closing the door much quieter than he had opened it.  

740.

739.

738.

Found it.

737.

He double-checked the number on the door and just to be safe, he took the clipboard of health information off the wall, checking it over for your name.

There it was. 

Y/N Bakugou.

He opened the door to you laying in your hospital bed, carrying on a quiet conversation with Kirishima who was sat in the chair next to your bed.  At the sound of his entering, you and Kirishima stop your conversation and turn your attention to him.  Kirishima smiles at him, but you just stare at him in confusion.

“Hey, man!” Kirishima says, raising a hand in greeting. 

Bakugou moves over to your side.  He sets the card down on the table next to you before sitting down on the edge of the bed.  “What’s up, dumbass?” He asks, looking at you.

You just look at him, pulling your legs up towards the rest of your body and away from him.  “Kirishima?” She asks, turning back to her previous conversation partner.  

Bakugou looks at you bewildered and then turns his gaze to his friend.  “I thought you told me that she was fine!” He snapped.

“Yeah, she is, dude!”

“Then, why is she acting like that!”

“I’m right here, you know,” you pipe up, obviously offended that he’s talking about you in such a manor when you’re three feet away from him. 

“Yeah, about that,” Kirishima says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.  “So, we were fighting off this villain, right? Well, we were helping the people we evacuated and this dude’s like, ‘Yo, my daughter is still in there.  You gotta help her.’ So, we were like, ‘Ight. Bet.’ So, we’re going to find this dude’s daughter and we find her, obviously, because we’re heroes, you know?  Anyway, so, we got the kid and we’re leaving and then bad guy shows up out of nowhere! He’s all like ‘gotta snatch those memories for that power,’ and he’s going for the kid, but Y/N throws the kid behind her just in time to save the girl, so that’s the good news.  Bad news, she doesn’t remember shit.  I’ve been trying to jog her memory since she woke up, but nothing’s working, dude.”

Bakugou turns his attention to you.  “Who am I?” He asks.

“A grouchy asshole who came into my hospital room, called me a dumbass, and started yelling at the only person who’s been here for me!”

“My name, smartass,” he snarls.

“How the hell am I supposed to know! Didn’t you hear? I don’t remember.”

“You don’t get to not know me! We’re married! See this?” He snaps, holding up his hand next to yours. “Married.  So, you better figure out who I am real fast, princess.”

“Why would I marry you? You’re a complete ass!”

“I said the exact same thing, but you sure as hell didn’t care then, so why do you now!”

“Because I don’t know who you are!” You shout. 

 The room is filled with eerie silence as it finally sinks in. You really don’t know.  You really don’t remember being married to him for the past five years.  You don’t remember dating him.  You don’t even remember his name.  

“Y/N, baby, it’s me.  It’s Katsuki.”  He scoots closer to you, taking your hands in his, maybe hoping the feeling would ignite some kind of memory.  “I’m your Kacchan. Your literal hot-stuff.  Come on! Sugar Muffin?”

Kirishima can’t help but snort.

“Die.”

“Listen, I believe you, really, but I just don’t remember.”

“No! You have to.  You have to remember, Y/N.  You can’t just forget everything that we’ve been through.  Everything we’ve planned.  We had our whole life planned! You can’t just forget something like that, Y/N!” He begged.  The anguish was beginning to wash over him.  How could you?  How could you just forget about The Plan?  You guys were supposed to go to the shelter soon and pick out a dog.  The two of you wanted to have a kid within the next few years.  You were going to buy your first house outside of the city, so Yuri could grow up in a safer place.  Yuri was supposed to have a little sister.  They were going to grow up and go to a hero school, just like their parents, if they wanted to.  

“Please,” he whispered, squeezing your hands.  “You have to remember.  I can’t spend the rest of my life knowing that you don’t remember who I am.  You’re my everything, Y/N.  I mean, just look at these pictures!” He pulls his phone from his pocket and opens his camera roll, going to the saved album that was just pictures of the two of you. “Maybe if you look at how things used to be, you’ll remember.  See, there’s us last Christmas.  You bought us those stupid reindeer antlers, because you thought they’d make a cute picture for our Christmas card.  This one’s from your birthday.  We took a hike and had a picnic next to this really pretty lake.  I bet that you couldn’t catch five grapes in your mouth.  You couldn’t, so I got to throw you in the lake. You ended up getting pneumonia, because I’m a dumbass.  We took this one on our anniversary.  I took you to the aquarium.  I hadn’t seen you that excited in such a long time.  You were running around that place like a kid in a candy store.  You kept trying to take selfies with the fish.  Here’s one of our wedding pictures.  You looked so incredible.  I really couldn’t believe that I was finally going to be able to call you my wife.  Look, there’s Kirishima ruining our perfectly good photo.”  

Bakugou probably spent close to two hours scrolling through the photos, telling you a little bit about each one, hoping that you would jump in with some other memory from the day, but he never got that.  You just sat there in silence, smiling politely, adding a small ‘That’s nice’ every now and again.  But, you just truly didn’t remember and no amount of pictures was going to change that.  Bakugou was aware of that, but he wasn’t willing to admit it.  He wasn’t willing to admit that every moment, every kiss, every secret shared was now gone from your memory.  

He finally stopped.  He couldn’t do it anymore.  He couldn’t keep scrolling through those photos and see you feeling nothing right in front of him.  He took your hands, squeezing them in his.  Bakugou leaned his forehead against your knuckles.  His back rose and fell with shaky breaths.  “I should’ve been there.  I should’ve protected you.  That’s what a good husband does.  But, I just let this happen to you instead.  I’m such a piece of shit…”

“Stop that,” you say.  “From everything you told me, you sounded like you were a perfect husband.  I’m sorry, okay?  I wish I could remember.”

“I just don’t.”

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

athenas or the new ign videos... hmmm

im gonna go for the ign videos (moze gameplay and sanctuary-iii, no guns yet, i have a reason for that) because athenas hasn’t gotten its sweet instagram video yet. once that’s released i’ll do a full post on it. by the time i got around to finishing this post, they had released the video. oh boy... gonna do the gun post then the athenas post, i think. alright, off we go.

tl;dr: we read the entire end user agreement DAHL thrusts upon us for using the ECHO device, talk about some stuff like how (spoilers) it seems like Lilith will be getting her powers back at the end of the game, and a voice line Lily says that sounds like “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like Tannis said: [inaudible] Siren” (altho im not 100% sure on the [inaudible] part because 1) it sounds weird and 2) there’s a drum beat and also the devs are talking over her, the Siren part seems fairly accurate because of the way her mouth moves). so you know. im gonna be agonizing over that until i can hear what she says. ive already spent an hour just repeating it over and over. i nearly fell asleep lol

we’re gonna start with the moze gameplay (the first 14 minutes of bl3) because chronologically it’s first in both timeline and release date

i love the license plates on the right there

also it looks like they added in claptrap’s old welcome sign from windshear waste! time to stand in front of it for 30 minutes to see if any messages pop up like bl2

fast travel station as well, definitely going to see if/where i can teleport and going there immediately. i imagine this is more for DLC stuff and grinding tho.

also! i do believe we saw Covenant Pass previously. good to know this is actually where it is!

Marcus saying “And Welcome to Pandora!” in the beginning confirms that, yes, they’re going to be on a bus!! i wonder if there will be a fight scene before that though. it’s interesting Clappy mentions that “those jerks who tried to murder you are the children of the vault!” so i mean... there’s gotta be... right?

im also convinced this intro is going to be a mirror of Borderlands 1. i stg if it starts out with the first few notes of Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked and then swaps songs I’m going to lose my mind

also also, the order is totally going to mimic the bl1 one. Fl4k = Mordecai, Amara = Lilith, Moze = Roland, Zane = Brick. We even have Lilith taking Angel’s spot as the mysterious voice in our heads, and probably Marcus driving, AND being dropped off at a bus stop.

bet the reason they changed it from ‘Moze as the Bot Jock’ to ‘Moze as the Gunner’ is because it fits under ‘Roland as the Soldier’ better. Also, ‘Zane Flynt as Himselfs’ would be a play off ‘Brick as Himself’. Amara as the Siren is obvious, and ‘Mordecai as the Hunter’ vs ‘Fl4k as the Beastmaster’ is pretty similar as well, given Fl4k has all those Hunter skills.

the 4 basic emotes im guessing. im so glad we have the option to boop our friends in the face with emotes.

also moze’s little bunny skin is adorable

the ECHOnet used to be called “Riftspace”, “the Spline”, and... “MercTel: A Cyber-Dahl Joint” lmfao

specifically calls out Pandora. also, “artificial megastructures”??? THAT’S SO COOL

AND FUCKING

SENTIENT MEGASTRUCTURES???? 

gearbox. please. i have never ever wanted anything more in my life. please. it’s probably my birthday. PLEASE GEARBOX

also interesting that the user agreement specifically notes ‘Respawns’. I assume this is a joke because New-U stations have been confirmed not canon

“Core law”. Core law? Core... daddy? ... ????

core as in like a core government somewhere that’s not the border worlds? that’s interesting...

“The Legion”, okay, acknowledging TPS, that’s dope

“Project Blackrakk” ... im interested

“Thresher Company” lmao

im curious if Axton was apart of any of the mentioned ones. i don’t think it’s been stated, but i could be wrong

“Chieftain Oort”. also ‘Recently Legless Gary’, lmfao poor dude.

oh yeah im sure this is fine. also holy shit did they google the synonyms for ‘change’ and just start listing them? lmfao

“implicit subscription to the Digby Vermouth ‘Dig’s Gigs’ secret concert subscription service” 

sorry, what?

if this doesn’t come up again in the future- if we don’t get a spam letter or 3 in our mailbox about this concert subscription thing i'm gonna be so disappointed

Dahl hates you if you’re not a fan of hyper-jazz, “you snob” lmfao

my brain hurts, they’re good at writing these 

damn phones exist? i thought everything was ECHO. aight, that’s good to know. i guess there just aren’t any phone networks around the border worlds

also “shared dreamspaces” sound really cool

hm. that’s no good lmfao. also i love that the buttons are ‘Agree’ and ‘OK’. there is no escape, once you agree, you can’t even leave because you’re agreeing that you’re trapped with these rules even if you cancel.

that’s fucked up, DAHL. can’t believe you treat your user base the same way you treat your employees. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised.

anyway, shoutout to literally the only TOA I’ve ever fully read in my life.

also, clicking through this TOA too fast WILL end claptrap’s voice line early. so be careful if you want to hear what he has to say!!

oh shit lmao I gotta go edit that Fl4k post

ok im back ~time magic of being able to save things in drafts and post them at a later date~

sliding preserves momentum, so you can actually slide (nearly) the entire way down! i love this.

small, but claptrap bends his antennae when trying to be stealthy. i thought that was a pretty cool detail

“and some guns include an alternate shooting mode~! try it out!”

player: `immediately shoots claptrap in the face`

i died lol

a very nice look at this sign.

good to know that the twins really are tempting people to join with promises of food. i mean it makes sense, i imagine most of the cultists are desperate for stability and a reasonable life on pandora.

also, Shiv calls himself “holy influencer of the children of the vault” lol. i love that. gearbox really is going for the internet’s throat, isn’t it?

i do like that hovering over an NPC will give you their name only and not name/healthbar.

a better look at one of the signs referencing the Mother!!! i was waiting for this, the only real look we got at one was in that one scene with Moze and IB

“Behold the Mother strength surrender to the truth” 

yeah that’s not ominous...

i assume the mother and father are intended to be tyreen and troy? but idk how i feel about that implication...

i like the new little gear/spring effect for the magnet lol

new lilith! i know a lot of people don’t like it, but i do. she looks better than the bl2 vers. altho i think it’s weird they swapped both bl1 and bl2′s ‘AI’ effect to those dots and then didn’t bring it to BL3. the dots effect felt cleaner. curious why they’re not applying it to bl3 when they went thru all that effort in 1 and 2.

... back up please.

i like that there is a changing icon for long pressing now

“time to check out our slay of the day!” sounds like Tyreen but tbh i legit thought this was moze’s reaction to opening the chest at first lol 

you can hear someone start screaming in agony while she’s walking up the stairs, so i know it’s not moze, but im so used to the VHs talking when they see a new piece of loot my brain just assumed.

also THE MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND IS A REMIX OF BANDIT SLAUGHTER!!! IM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS I WAS FREAKING OUT THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT

also, claptrap when dropping health yells “this could save your life! then, you’ll owe me a life debt!” bullshit im pretty sure you already decided we owed you a life debt the moment we stepped off that bus

“i see it... the great vault” - a line from a cultist you kill

i know i mentioned in this post that the Great Vault may be already opened, but it could also just be a Vault they’re planning on opening and using the propaganda to convince the cultists to help them find it. 

“if you help us get this vault open, you’ll be handsomely rewarded! you’ll get superpowers! you’ll get regular meals! you’ll get money and guns and dates!” you know, the usual stuff. 

either way, elevating the Vault to a higher state (god/heaven/whatever) makes sense if you’re running a cult.

btw there is a hidden chest in the scaffolding to the left of the door, if you’re interested in grabbing some better guns before shiv. personally, i’ll be using the toy guns.

also the TVs are actually playing propaganda now!!

this one is asking questions that i cant understand due to the sound effects of the chest and claptrap talking, but it says something about “... the dust? ... join the Children of the Vault!”

“hey shiiiiiv all your dumb friends are dead!!”

shiv be like

“all my friends are dead”

some cool level-up art! I notice these are the same pictures as used on the japanese site. i wonder if they change depending on which VH you’ve picked (If you’re playing Amara/Fl4k, do you get pics of Amara and Fl4k? the player is playing moze, afterall).

also also “it’s a KIA on the knife wielding maniac. suuuper dead.” 

it’s cool that the VHs have specific lines for the deaths of bosses. i hope that continues and it’s not just a ‘15 min of intro gameplay’ thing. you know, where everything is super detailed in the beginning and then slowly gets less and less as the game progresses? anyway, moze’s little chuckle is fuckin adorable lol

ah. the door closes now so you can’t even explore Shiv’s room before Lilith shows up. gearbox plS you know me too well, i was looking for a g l i m p s e

claptrap’s voice line for getting released is SUPER off time, he hits the ground before going “you did it! i’m sa-ahhhhhhhh!” it’s weird, wondering if that’s just a glitch.

also also we get a nice listen to the revive ally sound. i could’ve sworn it wasn’t in the first look at this mission we got, because i heard it for the first time during the coop Zane/Amara gameplay on Promethea. i might be wrong, tho.

im very curious what these symbols are claptrap is beaming up

i mean you know what im gonna say

they look eridian

and they do

so wtf clappy why u beaming up eridian letters to Lilith

i assume maybe Tannis gave clappy some weird upgrade or something so he could communicate with the crimson raiders without the CoV listening in? it could be that Tannis or someone is decoding this message since Tannis does know how to translate Eridian (as shown in her bl1 ECHOs)

... or at the very least she gave Lilith a translator

the darkening makes it so that you can see the crackening. also this COULD just be a beam that lilith can see from wherever she is, but i want to believe there’s more eridian stuff. bc eridian stuff is fun.

this is so fu cking crisp im dying i love it

lilith’s tattoos spreading down her fingers

same symbol as her chest tattoo. maybe the symbol denotes new powers? like how lily has one on her chest for phasewalking, and a new one on her hand for teleportation

i love how her wings look like actual fire. i fucking love this

lilith is looking so fucking good in the new engine

im glad they got rid of her super red eyes, tbh it looked a bit weird

i think they are really pushing her fire affinity, im sure we’ll see Maya has an elemental affinity as well (im calling corrosive) and im sure Tyreen will too (slag). Amara looks to be Shock because that’s her ‘default’, but who knows until (if) bl4 comes out. but corrosive wings on maya would look SOOO fucking cool. please. please please please.

god she looks so good compared to bl2. i love how the tattoos softly glow in the dark, too. i gotta play this mission late in the day...

“you’re... the voice in my head, right?” i love this so much, i really hope my shitpost comes true.

lilith gives you a grenade mod for completing her mission! im really glad they are PUSHING through the tutorial/intro so you can get right into the game. bl2′s ‘intro’ of all these tutorials was brutal. especially waiting to unlock your action skill.

in 3 you get your action skill automatically at level 2!!! which is insane, i love it! they’re jumping right into it, it’s great. and they seem to be pushing for you to get all the stuff you need right away. 

it’s curious to note that in bl3 we get our class mods at the end of the Promethea demo (after Gigamind), since in bl2 you get your first (usually?) after the hunting the firehawk mission and both seem to take place immediately after we get to the ‘base of operations’ of the game (Sanctuary vs Sanctuary-III).

yep that quest is 100% in line with the quest marker. 

i imagine From the Ground Up may be discovering where the Vault Map/Key actually is? maybe bringing people to the Recruitment Center (notably Tannis)

for this scene. i hope this takes place after the HBC, because i seriously... can’t imagine the twins showing up, taking the Vault Map, bringing it to the HBC, and then NOT taking Lilith’s powers/trying to kill Lily and accidentally taking her powers. it just doesn’t make sense, Vault Hunters be damned, we are level 2 they could melt us easy peasy. 

If anything, it feels like we COULD find the Vault Map in the Recruitment Center, Tannis tries to activate it/fix it, we find out it’s mega broke, and then the Sun Smashers show up and take it. but i seriously can’t imagine Lilith nor the new VHs allowing that to happen while they’re still there. maybe if Tannis sends us to do something while Lilith is gathering other CR members? then it could make sense if they attack while Tannis is alone with the Key...

OR

we end up finding something in Shiv’s room that shows/helps us realize the Sun Smashers bringing the Vault Map to the Calypsos. tho this would mean the quest From the Ground Up is SUPER short and I imagine it’s not. Maybe we raid a camp of theirs like the one in front of Sanc-III with the bridge/ramp? We need to be about level 6 before we go and we start From the Ground Up at 2 so there’s obviously something DEEP we’re missing here. maybe this is a mission where we go gather the other Crimson Raiders? HMMMMMMMM...

.... oh.

nevermind lmfao

she opens her ECHO immediately after this LOL i feel kinda dumb now

raiding their camp it is! the Droughts sounds like a fun location. Very much like the dust. you guys think there’s a Shade situation going on there? i’m excited to see it. Still think we’re going to use Shiv’s room to get that lead, though. i just really wanna watch tv lmfao. i hope this means the bandits run from the camp to the HBC, or we find info that the bandit warchief sent a party to the HBC with the Vault Map. either way, i just don’t want the twins showing up until after the HBC or i will have so many questions. “why didn’t you kill lilith?” being the first. “the god queen wants her head!” ur goddamn right she does, so why doesn’t she (try to) kill lilith???

85% already?! hot damn

also

that’s one badass description there, Moze

also also

while having gun slots locked is pretty normal, im surprised they’re locking class mods and relics, too! i wonder when we’ll be able to equip relics. maybe when we first go to eden-6 or smth. or maybe after we meet up with Rhys. shit maybe he’s just handing us an artifact (im gonna interchange these a lot, sorry!) in that Promethea video lmfao

“ready to chuck some boom and frag some maniacs” lol moze i love you

if you’re playing Zane... `equips grenade mod for checkmark` `immediately equips second action skill and never actually uses grenade mod`

“it’s the firehawk! the god queen wants her head!” 

like i alluded to before, i would not be surprised if Tyreen doesn’t know she can absorb Siren powers... when she goes to succ lilith in front of Sanctuary-III, it’s totally possible she actually was trying to kill her. That could explain why she looks so intrigued at her hand like “oh shit okay lets see what this can do”

might be why she was okay with sending her cultists after her instead of showing up herself.

“alright, we got a foothold. maybe things are turning our way. come on killer, you’re with me” we are going to explore the SHIT out of shiv’s room.

alright alright alright

let’s move on to the Sanctuary-III stuff

yessss

i love the quest objective thing, it looks like we will be able to swap through our quests with the push of a button! also im curious why exactly we’re going to promethea right away. i wonder if the twins say something about moving there after getting the vault map/lilith’s powers, or if we hear from rhys. im expecting something about the vault map, since our vh will admit they don’t know rhys at all when talking to lorelei. but for some reason we need to be within the city limits? since lily says ellie got us within the city limits. 

hmmmmmm. okay, okay, maybe the map was trying to lead us to promethea for vault reasons during that short amount of time that we had it and it was working. maybe promethea is what we see when tannis is activating the key during that one cutscene? ohhh shit how dope would it be if we got that fucking easter egg message? omg “Children of the Vault. Come to Promethea. We are not on Pandora anymore. Tannis is not what she seems. Do not open the Vaults.” and everyone is like ‘uh did that thing just mention Tannis by name??’ and now it’s REALLY important to get the map back just so we can figure out wtf it’s trying to tell us. 

i will question how ‘Tannis is not what she seems’ would affect character relationships, especially if it’s said so early in the game. so perhaps we only hear the first part of the message. maybe it’s corrupted because it was recently broken. iunno. just playing around with ideas. the canon of this game is like flarp putty until sept. 13th

anyway moving on because this is literally the first f r a m e of the video

i like that you can see pandora’s eridian scar. if the destroyer is speaking through eridium to people, it’s gonna bust outta the side of this planet like you wouldn’t fucking believe lmao. eridium is a window to the soul and if you stare long enough into its glossy, shining sides, the destroyer stares back

that or it’s just like a beacon, slowly spreading its influence across the universe. but i like the idea that the destroyer can waltz out of a big enough hunk of eridium. so it will bust out of pandora’s eridium scar. F in chat for pandora but also lmfao the amount of tentacles and rage would be unparalleled.

reality is that the twins are probably farming this scar for eridium to turn into slag for multiple purposes. like brainwashing their cultists, giving them powers, and ensuring their guns have their manufacturer’s quirk (im getting to this in my next post bc im just gonna compile all the ign gun videos into one big post)

the floor art is different from the actual sanc-iii demo. i mention this first in my behind closed doors panel analysis, but im gonna mention it again because this is ~official~. the floor list on the first walkthru of sanc-iii we got had the names of all the crimson raiders and lines leading to their shops. so we had the infirmary/tannis, marcus, moxxi, etc listed on the floor. i imagine this new sanc-iii will change as we get more people on board or if we do a sort of re-decoration of the ship.

also also, it’s cool to see that we have 4 rooms on the minimap, likely one for each of the VHs (and your coop buddies). ive seen speculation that the other, non-played VHs will hang out in their rooms when you’re not playing them, and tbh i really hope this is the case.

we also know this version of sanctuary-iii is after pandora, so there are no promethea citizens aboard yet. which makes me double certain the first sanc-iii video we got takes place either after endgame (explaining why Lily has her tattoos back) or right after Athenas (explaining why Maya is there). which... i mean... spoilers, guys. 

that’s one good lookin fast travel station, holy shit

im in tears over here because “Caution: no steppy”. this is so fucking funny to me

no steppy on me

okay moving on because i will cry laugh over this for forever im allowed

moze’s room is so much different than amara’s

also i notice she’s on the left of the two on the top, which makes me hope the other 4 are reserved for the other VHs (or your coop buddy).

compared to the official sanc-iii demo video

and amara’s room

moze’s is so barren oh my god

someone get this girl like... a colorful throw pillow or something

baaank. also doubles as the secret stash. kinda upsetting, because that is infinitely less loot i can store when i make a lot of characters. also if i upgrade the bank once, is it upgraded across all my other characters too? or are the guns i put in storage slot 11 locked up until i buy the upgrade?

either way, i am saddened because no more mule characters. and way less space the more characters you make and more gear you find, because all gear you put in here is there across all characters. i hope this means our backpacks will be a lot bigger this time around!

supamax mfg shows up again

ppm/04-02 matches up with the number behind the fast travel station. i wonder if this will come into play. if the number changes later in-game im going to freak the fuck out bc that means wherever we are isn’t actually sanctuary-iii

ppm/04-02. remember that 👀

also, the wall behind the golden chest changed from red to steel/greenish. can’t tell the actual color. same as the floor

you know. that color.

“golden keys are popular. you can get some in-game and also get them online”

in-game you say??? im interested! i wonder if there will be some sort of arena (like moxxi’s) where if you complete it you get a key as a reward. i saw people speculating about some sort of randomized boss rush, that could definitely be a way to get gold keys, as well.

oooo engine room! im excited to explore here.

original size is 16. so, we have 40 backpack slots! still... you know... only 1 above the max of bl2, but hey. at least that’s an upgrade. as small as it may be

on the bright side: bank upgrades increase capacity by 5. with a base of 10, and 8 upgrades, we have 50 slots to fill. which is a big leap from the original 24. it is still a shame we have to share these across characters, tho

offline cultist stream? makes me think the CoV really was trying to steal/take over sanc-iii from the crimson raiders and we went to go take it (back?) in Taking Flight. either the CoV found/ordered Sanc-III, or the crimson raiders were building it/fixing it up, their stronghold got taken over, and the CoV were prepping it for takeover.

the shooting range. and if you notice that little CoV symbol in the bottom left there? yeah pretty much backs up my previous theory

all those red bits are tied to ellie’s crew challenge. so we’ll be collecting things for her!

an altar for scooter 😢

“we’re gonna get those cultism sumbitches, believe you me”

where you get yeeted out of Sanc-III. im definitely going to try jumping in it to see if it kills me. doesn’t look like the drop pods are available yet

that’s not clappy, pretty sure he’s hanging out on the bridge right now

schematics for veronica

the thing i was most excited about in this video!

loooots of customizations! which excites me because i know eridium used to get useless late game when you’ve grinded all the raid bosses. it looks like eridum is going to be in ultra high demand. but u can bet ur ass im gonna be unlocking all those fucking customizations asap.

veteran rewards is also super super interesting

hgggggg i wanna know what the shields do!!! 

i like the vault symbol at the top of the item card as well, shows you its a special type of weapon/item. im honestly surprised we’re able to buy ‘veteran rewards’ so early in the game? i mean obvi we won’t have enough eridium (look at the costs!) but it’s wild it’s even accessible. im personally a fan of the first bonus ‘anointed: gain life steal on action skill end’

looks like these guns have been chosen

to give them those special bonuses

i do see that just anointed is not class specific, but the ones that say anointed gunner or maybe anointed siren will be (confirmed by the devs in video).

you pay with eridium, so maybe the vending machine has some way to confer the power of eridium to the guns. or some shit. iunno. it’s possible this won’t be available until the end of the game, hence veteran rewards, and is only being shown to us right now since this is a showcasing video.

pandoran civilian. no promethea civilians today folks! i am CONVINCED that the old sanc-iii demo takes place after the end of the game. at least after athenas.

it’s weird seeing moxxi hanging outside her bar.

is also cool to know that the 4 slot machines are actually available. seems like npcs can play them, but we can use all 4 if we want to. which is really nice

the one on the far left is called the ‘loot boxxer’ and it gives mostly guns lol. i see they are taking jabs. good for them

better pic of the leftmost machines

Zer0 seems to have a bounty board? not sure if this is like a physical bounty board or if they will contact you when they want something dead, but it is cool to note. this isn’t shown in video, just the devs speaking about it.

similarly hammerlock has ‘big game hunts’ where you find “rare, challenging creatures” and kill them for him

apparently we’ll be killing something known as a manvark

this book

i fucking recognize this book

HAMMERLOCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

in all seriousness tho

hammerlock probably isn’t in his room because we haven’t rescued him from eden-6 yet.

a cool thing about the crew challenges: as you progress through the game and do these challenges, sanc-iii will ‘grow and change to reflect the things you’ve accomplished’. altho another dev says “sometimes these are optional things, like challenges” 

so now im like oh shit we’re gonna change sanc-iii as we play the game. i wonder if that means we’ll be changing the hull, too. because you know. the blue paint job. we gotta go STEALTH. sneaky beaky into the calypsos fleety

tannis doesn’t have the saurian on her table. also, interesting note, she DOES have the eridian log in the corner. meaning she must have had that before eden-6. interesting... maybe we’ll find more on Pandora.

she is still covered in blood tho. idk i don’t have an explanation for that. don’t think i want to think of one, to be quite honest.

oh no. (those are skulls next to all the gurneys)

“tannis plays a much bigger role in bl3 than she has in past games”. bigger than borderlands 1? that is... impressive. she’ll be running the health vending machines (which is weird bc i could’ve sworn in the promethea demo, zed was still running them... hm.)

another angle of sanc-iii

clappy? you good there?

the devs said they’re using him to plug a hole. i assume the calypsos shot at the ship as we’re leaving or smth.

lily with no tattoos, who also looks significantly more pissed than her other sanc-iii demo counterpart

you know. because she got her tattoos.

also

fucking

lilith says something right here. all i can make out is “Tyreen took my powers. it’s like tannis said. ..... [inaudible] Siren.” maybe some weird word i haven’t heard before? i swear she’s saying ‘like tannis said: a ‘m...’ Siren” but i am not 100% sure. if someone could help me out, that’d be rad.

so its sounding like lilith rushed in with explicit warning from tannis about tyreen stealing her powers, and tannis knew tyreen was some sort of Siren and warned lily, but lily didn’t listen. it could also be that lily is saying something like “im not a siren” but i can’t really hear it if she is. it sounds like she saying a word that starts with m to me. if someone could help me with this i’d owe you my life

whew. i am. fucking TIRED.

im gonna sleep for like 3 hours and then wake up and make food before the fl4k streams start.

[thejazzvoid]

Oh and for the ask meme, all of them

...Oh dear. Well, anyway, here they are, I suppose?

I (Where did you hide the body?): In plain sight.

II (Favorite rock?): Chalcedony, most likely, partially because hhh cool rock, partially because of Elizabeth Bear’s story “Tideline,” and partially because the name just sounds cool.

III (Worst dream you ever had?): The first one I could think of was one in which I was trying to hide from something or other and ended up trapped in my backyard; also spiders had begun emerging from my hands.

IV (Answer this with a lyric from the first song that comes to your mind.): I want a love that falls as fast as a body from a balcony; I want a kiss like my heart is hitting the ground (from “Townie” by Mitski).

V (Does blood make you uncomfortable?): It honestly depends on the context, but not just seeing it.

VI (Even numbers or odd numbers?): Odd numbers, I’d have to say.

VII (Something you hate that you love?): Homestuck.

VIII (The first initial of someone you hate?): B.

IX (Make up an acrostic for the word “exsanguinate.”): (Based on the TMA episode “Blood Bag” because it seemed fitting and I didn’t have any other ideas)

Entomology led me here, to my likely e-

Xit from this room within the

Stomachs of thousands of mosquitoes,

And

Nothing seems to

Go right; go right—it’s the fastest way out, and

Underneath ceiling panels,

I am bled dry, and

No one else is

Around;

They’re already out there, and

Entomology led me here.

X (Do you enjoy corndogs?): Not really?

XI (Favorite movie from the year 2005?): I suppose I’d have to choose “Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire.”

XII (Least favorite music genre?): Most modern country music.

XIII (Have any terrible restaurant experiences?) Yes, if by “terrible restaurant experiences,” you mean “the result of other unrelated turmoil unfolding within the confines of a restaurant.”

XIV (Three things that you would never want to come near you?):

i) The sun, or any other star, for that matter.

ii) The remaining smallpox viruses still in containment.

iii) The supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy.

XV (What is the worst way for you to die? [In your opinion]): Buckle up, kids, this is going to get detailed. So, let’s say that I’ve uncovered something significant that could right some wrongs and provide information that a lot of people need.

Before I can release my findings, though, or prepare for my likely neutralization, I’m abducted and recognize some of my captors as acquaintances or loved ones. After days of coercion, I make up information on the whereabouts of several important figures and/or my friends. My abductors know that none of this is true, and they tell me.

I am violated repeatedly, shot, then set alight. Somehow, my death is covered up or framed as suicide. None of my discoveries ever reach their intended audience.

XVI (Any unusual habits?): I tend to flap my hands when I’m excited or stressed?

XVII (One emoji that you probably have never used?): 📟; I’m not quite sure what it’s meant to be.

XVIII (Write a three-sentence horror story about a Gatorade bottle.): My mother told me never to leave food in my tent while camping. Tonight, however, I kept a bottle of Gatorade half-closed next to my sleeping bag. I woke to a decaying hand shredding the side of my tent and a long, hollow-eyed face softly groaning above my own.

XIX (Do you know what Old Bay is?): Do you?

XX (Can you dance?): I’m a fairly good dancer.

XXI (What first comes to mind when you see rope?): The figure-eight follow-through knot, for some reason.

XXII (Make an obscure reference.): What happened in Piedmont will hopefully stay in Piedmont or eventually mutate into a non-virulent form.

XXIII (What is your favorite color for a balloon?): Yellow or teal, most likely.

XXIV (If you were to ever go to court, would you more likely be guilty or innocent?): Depends on the crime, my guy.

XXV (Are you hungry?): No.

XXVI (Do you have an unlucky number?): 7.

XXVII (What does “JMD” stand for?): The Oxford Dictionary says it’s “Jamaican Dollars.”

XXVIII (Random inside joke?): This vanity’s real picturesque.

XXIX (What sends chills up your spine?): Whenever I stand in this one spot outside my house, I just kind of reflexively shudder for some reason.

XXX (How many questions are currently in your inbox?): 2.

XXXI (Someone real who scares you?): This might not technically be someone, but the fact that Disney has the influence that it has?

XXXII (Run or hide?): Hiding, most likely, because you can hide indefinitely, with any luck.

XXXIII (Who is the last person who mad you angry?): Jeff Bezos.

XXXIV (What’s going on in your head?): ...I don’t know; I just work here.

XXXV (One little thing that makes you smile?): Moss.

XXXVI (Are you a decisive person?): Not really, but I’m working on it.

XXXVII (Would people describe you as a paranoid person?): A year ago, definitely, but not so much now.

XXXVIII (What store would you be the least likely to be found in?): I have been many places, but I’ve never once seen a Sam’s Club, no matter how many signs I see for them, and I have no real interest in seeking one out.

XXXIX (Do you like hats? If so, what’s your favorite type?): Yes; I don’t know what my favorite type of hat would be, but my favorite hat is this massive orange sun-hat that makes me feel like some kind of reclusive artist/former socialite.

XL (Bowties or ties?): Ties.

XLI (Who?): The friends we made along the way.

XLII (What?): Oh, you know,,, ;)

XLIII (Where?): The Taco Bell parking lot.

XLIV (When?): The witching hour.

XLV (Why?): For love and for spite.

XLVI (How?): Duct tape and a fire within.

XLVII (Do you collect anything?): Tiny containers.

XLVIII (What time is it?): As I type this, 12:04 p.m.

XLIX (Favorite mode of transportation?): Bus, walking, or “Castle in The Sky”-type airship.

L (Would you ever kill someone to save someone else?): It depends.

LI (Make a joke.): Contrary to popular belief, magic actually does abide by mathematical principles—hexponents.

LII (.esrever ni gnihtemos etirW): Rats live on no evil star.

LIII (Would your dash be considered SFW?): Yes, for the most part.

LIV (Do you like to cuddle?): Heck yeah, my dude.

LV (What makes you angry?): Late-stage capitalism and the texture of Jell-O.

LVI (How many voices are in your head?): I don’t think in auditory words, exactly; it’s more a Strange Cloud Of Ideas and at least one song playing the background.

LVII (Do you consider yourself mentally stable?): Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve been doing better than I have been in a while, but it’s still some kind of time.

LVIII (Are you easily offended?): If the comment or whatever it is is directed at me exclusively, no, but if it’s meant to target other people as well, then I suppose so.

LIX (What’s wrong with taking the backstreets?): You’ll never know if you don’t go.

LX (Any questions you want people to ask you?): Be needlessly ominous. Ask me to write short horror stories. Confess your feelings for me. That kind of stuff.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[danaej6-blog]

Chocolate and Vanilla

Chocolate & Vanilla 

  Though Paige was all in tears and I looked pretty sad, from what everyone else could see, I was actually filled with joy. Finally, that girl is gone! I thought. Little does she know that the whole year of “friendship” we had meant nothing to me. Faking it was all to easy and fun, but now I had the chance to find a friend that actually cared. Paige wanted to just laugh and be crazy, but Paige’s kind of crazy was annoying. That one year with her seemed like an eternity. She always called me Laidy, no matter how many times I told her to call me Adalaide. I tried to gather up some tears to make a very sad goodbye. I mean I guess I would miss her kind words, and thoughtfulness. If you couldn’t catch that I was being sarcastic. Anyways we hugged, and she got into the van for the airport. She waved her little heart out while I just gave a little smile. Aaaaah freedom feels nice. 

It was that time again. School was starting and I was ready for a new year, and all the drama that came with it. I woke up at 6:45 as usual and got dressed. “Let’s see black, grey, white, or blue…… definitely black, and what goes better with a black shirt than a black pair of pants, and big pair of black boots, and black leather jacket!” I thought to myself, “Ok maybe I’ll wear a grey shirt.” I got my messy hair tied up into a ponytail. Then I ate some eggs and toast really quick. Popped earphones into my ears, pressed play and I was on my way. I hopped into my car, then drove off. I started to come up upon the school bus stop where I used to have to go to before I got my car, A girl with curly light brown hair a few inches past her shoulder shoved her books into her bag. She had these black ballet flats on, skinny jeans, and a light turquoise shirt. She started running after the bus, but it zoomed off and didn’t stop. She slowed down to a walking pace. Though I was going to the same school, I wasn’t really the helping others type of person.  I kept driving, and wondered if I would end up actually seeing her at school or not. 

At school we were all assigned classes, then sent off to our first class. The girl that was left by the bus driver ended up being in two of my classes, and apparently her name was Lacy. She is a new student, but seems pretty cool. At the math class our teacher told us that there would be a test and I we didn’t get past a certain grade we would go down a grade for math! I have never been to good at math, but I definitely do not want to go down a grade. School ended and I headed to my car, and to my luck the car wouldn’t start. Perfect! I called a mechanic, and I was just dreading what the cost might be. I leaned against my car waiting, by the time the mechanic got there everyone had already left school. It took a full two hours for whatever the problem was to fixed. It was starting to get dark so I got in my car and looked in the rear-view mirror, and to my surprise there was someone walking into the school wearing a black hoodie. I slowly got out of my car and shut the door silently, and walked toward where the mysterious person entered. Once I got to the hallway I was shocked to see Lacy doing something to the vending machine. Somehow, she was able to open the door to it and she grabbed a bunch of snacks and drinks and put it into a bag. I quickly hid behind the wall, and she started walking to the exit. She had almost made it out before I stepped out. 

“What are you doing here?” She didn’t even look back before she bolted out as fast as she could. I ran after her. My boots hit the ground with power when, I reached out and grabbed her arm, as  I did we both flailed to the ground. 

“GET AWAY FROM ME!” she screamed struggling, and trying to get out of reach. “I don’t need your help!” 

“Where do get the idea that I am trying to help you?!”,“I don’t help anyone but myself!” I didn’t really care what she was doing, but I mean it seemed dangerous, and dangerous means fun, to me. 

“Ok you’ve caught me, but this is the only way I can survive I don’t have parents that feed me and take care of me like everyone else.” She said solemnly. “l live off the vending machine and sleep wherever I can find a place, then I go to school and pretend I am like everyone else.” 

“Cool.” 

“NO! NOT COOL!” she screamed at me. “I am living on my own with no place to go, and barely any money!” 

“Sounds adventurous!” I said excitedly, it would be my dream to be out on my own, not knowing what might happen next. I don’t know why I never tried it before, just running away with no plan at all. 

“You really don’t get it, do you?” she replied. Maybe I didn’t get it, but her life seemed so much more interesting than mine.  

“You wanna do something fun?” I asked her. I don’t know what went through her head when she made a lot of facial expressions. 

‘I don’t think that is a good idea, don’t you have to go home anyways?” she said 

“Don’t worry about me.” I couldn’t care less if I got in trouble. I have spent too much time with such boring people. I wanna do something fun. 

“It depends on what your idea of fun is…” I could tell she was nervous to do anything crazy and life threatening, but I knew I might be able to convince her to do something anyway. 

“I promise you it’s gonna be fun. You’re not gonna die!” I said sarcastically. I waited for her response.  

“What do you have in mind?” she asked 

“Follow me!” I said as I started running towards the school. At first, I thought she wouldn’t come follow me, but then I heard her footsteps running behind me. Then when we made it to the main hallway of the school, I realized I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, that was supposed to be fun. Then I remembered the test that we had to take for math. The teacher said that the test is taken every year so they know where the students should be placed based on their math skills. That would mean the test is already somewhere in the school. “Come this way there is a teacher room at the end of the hall.” I said as I made my way down the hall. 

“Why are we going to the teacher’s room?” she asked me. 

“You’ll see” I said opening the door to some sort of teachers lounge. I soon as I got in I noticed a large beige file cabinet in the corner by a printer.  I started looking through stuff hoping I might be able to find the math test. 

“So, what are we doing here?” she questioned me. 

“I am looking for something.” 

“What are you looking for, I thought this was supposed to be fun?” 

“You wanna pass the math test tomorrow? We can find the test and we will pass easy peasy!” I said kind of excited. 

“I don’t think that is a good idea. Cheating is not right we shouldn’t do this. How can you call this fun?” 

“It is fun! Come on what does it matter anyways, you can do anything you want you live on your own just take the risk, the worst thing that could happen is you fail the test” 

“Fine, but if things get to dangerous I am out!” 

“Whatever. Just help me look.” We started to search again looking in cabinets and folders. And soon enough found it. 

“I think I found it!” Lacy said from across the room. I read the test to see if it was the one. It seemed like the right one, so I told Lacy to meet me at the bus stop early the next morning so that we could plan things out. Then I remembered that I should probably get home. I looked at my hone and my mom called me 16 times! I called her back and told her about what happened to the car, and hoped she wouldn’t suspect anything else. She seemed to be ok, but she was mad I didn’t say anything earlier. When I got home. I quickly went to bed. The next day I picked lacy up from the bus stop early in the morning.  We wrote out all the test answers on paper then put it in our shoes for safe keeping. The test would be the next period, and I told lacy to meet me at my locker right before math class. “Hey Adalaide, I don’t think we should do this.” She said.  

“Seriously you are backing out? Now, right before math class! I thought you were in this with me!” I said upset. I thought I could trust her to stick with me. 

“I am sorry but I cheating is wrong and I don’t care if I don’t get in trouble. I don’t wanna do it.” 

“Come on, don’t be a wimp. I worked hard to get this all ready. Why are you so afraid? Stop being afraid and just do it.” 

“Why does it matter so much to you whether or not I do this?” she questioned me. 

“Look, you told me yesterday that you were ok with this. Did you lie to me?!” I said kinda angry. 

“No…. it’s just…I……” she obviously didn’t know what to say. I don’t like it when people ditch me like that. 

“You seriously don’t know how to have any fun.” I said very disappointed. 

“What if we get caught?” she said. Obviously, we would go to detention and I’d probably get grounded for forever, but I’ve gotten worse punishments, and I wasn’t going to tell her that. 

“We aren’t going to get caught. Trust me. I have done this plenty of times before.” I lied, but seemed to be convinced. 

“You have to promise, if they find out I don’t have a real home they will put me in a home. I don’t want that to happen.” 

“Deal.” I said. Then I heard the bell ring and realized we were late to class. We ran down the hall as fast as we could, and hoped we could sneak into class quietly.  

“Adalaide and Lacy, you are late to class. Don’t let this happen again girls.” Our math teacher, Mr. Stan said stiffly when we entered the room. 

“No problem Mr. Stan, it won’t happen again.” I replied politely, then I walked to my seat and sat down. He then began to explain all about how the math test would work, and bla bla bla. I handed Lacy a paper of how she should answer the test questions. This way we wouldn’t have the same answers and we wouldn’t have all of our answers correct. It would be way to obvious if every answer was correct, and both of our tests were alike. After all the test papers were passed out I stuck the piece of paper with answers on it in my sleeve. The test began and I tried to be sneaky when looking at my answer sheet. Our teacher walked around the room slowly, but after a couple rounds he sat down at his desk. I thought that I would be safe after that, so I took the piece of paper out of my sleeve so I could see the answers better. I peered over to see how lacy was doing. She had her sheet of paper on her desk too. I looked back down at my paper, and it wasn’t long before I saw a shadow over my desk. I heard Mr. Stan clear his throat. I saw him look from Lacy to me. 

“Adalaide and Lacy! I am shocked!  Go to the office this instant!  You know better that to cheat! I am VERY disappointed!” He then grabbed our papers. We both looked at each other, and everyone was looking at us. We left the room and went to the principles office. We got detention and I was grounded forever.  The worst part about it was that Lacy was being taken away to an orphanage! I didn’t think that this could end so badly. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t pushed her into doing this she wouldn’t have been taken away. 

 I kept thinking about what happened with me and Lacy and I wanted to make it up to her, but I didn’t know how. Months later after the big cheating incident, and a lot of convincing, I got my parents to adopt Lacy! It was the perfect plan. Which means that we would be sisters I guess. I never had a sibling before and I was happy to know my adopted sister would be my best friend! We both learned our lessons and I drive her to school every day. Afterschool on Friday I wanted to do something special, so we went to Starbucks. We both got Frappuccino’s, I got chocolate and she got vanilla. The perfect pair.

The purpose of this piece was to write a story eligible for kids of ages 10 or 11 to read. The purpose was also to teach some sort of moral and have a lesson to be learned. I chose the story idea because it wasn’t the usual relatable story of a girl in school, the story was also on the point of view of the girl that was the “bad girl”, instead of the typical nice girl and all her problems. This is my best work because I planned out my characters before writing, and used that to think of a typical day for that person and I think it helped build their character. I put characters in situations which best show their character. My strength in this paper was my introduction. In my introduction I didn’t start by saying who the character is how old she is, I right away told a story about the character and what happened inn her past to show where she is now. My weakness was continuing the story’s plot while holding the character’s personality and keep the story interesting and exciting. I learned from this piece that you need to have a very clear and detailed plan of what you are going to write about and think of your characters and how they are going to act, respond to certain things, and their personality.  That’s when we jumped off the cliff and landed straight in the rushing waters of the waterfall things went blurry and suddenly my head lifted above the water. I looked round and above in the blue- sky eagles flew screeching out their songs.

[idolizerp]

[ LOADING INFORMATION ON GALAXY’S MAIN VOCALIST HWAN…. ]

DETAILS

CURRENT AGE: 20 DEBUT AGE: 17 SKILL POINTS: 13 VOCAL | 07 DANCE | 00 RAP | 10 PERFORMANCE

INTERVIEW

the little prince.

now, really, midas media couldn’t have come up with a better brand even if they had tried. the little prince was a household name: shot straight out of the stars, wide-eyed, cradling his beating, tender heart. dropped on this earth to question a world of grown-ups, who had all forgotten what was truly important in their every day lives. "it is only with the heart that one can see rightly,” so the novel had said. “what is essential is invisible to the eye.“

and what did the heart see?

midas’ heart set its sights on the one and only lee hwan. lee hwan, the poster child for Everything An Idol Should Be. lee hwan, the veteran trainee. lee hwan, the resident baby genius. cut from only the best cloth, hwan had always been destined for greatness – and, even before galaxy’s debut, he would go on to carry the title of midas media’s ‘little prince’ with pride and unabashed confidence. he was the trainee with his own fanclub, after all. the highly anticipated galaxy’s very own golden boy.

( so where had it all gone wrong? )

galaxy debuts in 2014. during the months prior, marketing had worked hard to keep his fans fed. it was hwan’s face that would pop up first in that green search engine and antoine de saint-exupéry’s novel would take home that loss. the public knew his face, the public knew his name. the public knew lee hwan, the little prince – …but who the hell was galaxy anyway?

the group’s debut was underwhelming at most. the ball was slow to start and it took more effort than they had ever anticipated to get it rolling. galaxy’s golden boy could only get them so far. and with the fanbase that did bloom, fans gushing over their little prince ( “he’s too pure! he’s too good for this world!” ), so grew his critics, as well ( “man, midas favors him. look at that line distribution. he can’t even sing that well?” ). lee hwan, the poster child for all idols. lee hwan, with his angelic face and tender voice. lee hwan, who had always been told that he had enough stage charisma to swallow up an entire audience whole –

yeah. no. lee hwan, the little prince, was pretty fucking disappointed.

and, needless to say, midas media was too.

( but hwan hadn’t given up everything for this. he hadn’t sacrificed his time, his effort, and his life for this. five years as a trainee. transplanted from masan, changwon-si, separated from his mother and his father and everything he had ever known. denied a normal childhood in the hopes of a legacy. promised greatness but shoved into the backseat at the first sign of mediocrity. no, hwan hadn’t signed up for this. and he wasn’t about to go down without a fight. )

hwan worked hard. carried the weight of his title like a shroud and worked really, really – really – fucking hard. weathered the negative feedback on his vocals, endured the company’s sudden reluctance to have him involved in album production. smiled like an angel for the cameras and jumped in with clever one-liners for the variety crowds. he fought tooth and nail, with that perfect, perfect face of his, to make a name for himself. to salvage his group. to endorse his members. to survive in an industry that worked like a goddamn revolving door.

because, let’s face it, if midas wasn’t going to save galaxy’s supposed golden boy, then lee hwan would do it himself. the little prince was his title – and he’d protect that goddamn crown until the very, bitter end.

BIOGRAPHY

i.

circa 2009.

“is this really what you want to do, hwan-ah?”

hwan stares up at the gleaming building before him and swallows around the lump in his throat. his mother’s hand is too cold in his and he can feel his father’s gaze prickling at the nape of his neck. questioning him. doubting him.

hwan squares his shoulders. stands up as tall as he can.

“yes. i love music. i love singing,” he answers firmly. fake bravado saves him and he prays that his hand isn’t shaking in hers. “yes!”

three hours later, he presses a shaky, ink-stained thumb to a paper filled with too many words he does not understand. his father’s gaze is unreadable. his mother’s mouth twists as if she might cry. hwan drags his ink-stained thumb along the curve of her mouth and smiles when he stains her bottom lip red.

“please don’t cry,” is all that he says.  

this is what i want, is what he hopes she hears, instead. i promise.

ii.

circa 2010.

he rolls his ankle first. his shoulder injury comes the week after.

most injuries could be brushed off – but the shoulder turns out to be tricky. hwan cannot wear it like the other bruises he hides beneath his hoodies and it refuses to be fixed by a trusty salon pas patch from the convenience store down the street – and so, finally, he relents on the seventh day.

the doctor sets his shoulder in a matter of minutes. eyes his ankle and leaves to update his medical chart. his aunt watches, teary-eyed, from the foot of the hospital bed – but hwan is no stranger to pain and manages to smile shakily by the end of it all. the nurse offers him a small sticker for his efforts.

“you were very brave,” she praises him warmly.

hwan returns the smile. wide and crooked.

“it didn’t even hurt!” he lies. “i’m used to worse!”

this earns him a curious smile. his aunt clears her throat.

“he’s a trainee,” she clarifies. “a trainee at midas media. he’s in his first – no, his second year. injuries… are common. he – he dances a lot.”

“ah,” the nurse clicks her tongue, peeling off another sticker from her roll. she presses it onto hwan’s cheek, now, with a grin. “then here’s one more for you. please don’t forget me when you become a big superstar, hwan-gun!”

“i won’t!” he laughs brightly, rubbing at the sticker on his face. “you and my aunt can join my fanclub as soon as it opens! i’ll make sure you’re the first ones! i’ll even sing for you two when you join!”

the nurse nearly presses her entire roll of stickers into his palms after.

iii.

circa 2011.

“you wrote this?”

hwan can’t tell if he’s in trouble or not. he tucks his hands behind his back respectfully and straightens up just in case.

“yes. yes, i did.”

yongguk stares at the tattered notebook in his hands, hwan’s headphones still dangling from one of the pages. he itches to reach for it but holds himself back. wills himself to stay put, hands politely folded, his expression schooled into the closest thing to neutral as he can make it.

“this…” yongguk starts, voice unbelieving. “hwan-ah, this is…”

he finally looks up from the notebook and meets the young trainee’s gaze. hwan isn’t sure what exactly the producer is looking for but yongguk searches his face like he’s looking for the path to enlightenment in hwan’s crooked wire-rimmed glasses.

“this is really… really… really – good,” he finally breathes out. he slowly sits down. steals hwan’s usual spot against the bookcase but doesn’t even seem to notice. his eyes are already back on the notebook, thumb smoothing over half-finished lyrics, written in hwan’s messy scrawl. “how long have you been writing your own music, kid?”

hwan (he’s pretty sure, now, that he isn’t in trouble. probably. hopefully.) takes an uncertain seat down beside the older man. rubs at the back of his neck and wrinkles his nose.

“i don’t know?” he replies truthfully. “since the beginning? before i came here. before i started. i don’t know. i can’t remember the first song i made. i think i’m just always making music. i’m always listening to something. i always wanna listen to something. i’ve never… i never thought someone else would wanna hear it too.”

yongguk’s voice turns reverent and he reaches out eagerly for the boy’s wrist. pulls him in closer. motions towards the mp3 player and the dangling earbuds.

“let me listen again,” he asks earnestly. sincerely. hwan feels something swell in his chest that he can’t quite place his finger on. it feels like pride. pride in being praised? pride in being heard? his head swims and he feels lightheaded with emotion when yongguk tugs at his wrist again. “let me listen one more time?”

yes, i love music! i love singing!

the memory echoes in his ears and, as yongguk eagerly hits play, hwan suddenly realizes that he wants to add one more thing to that list.

i love music. i love singing.

but i think i might love making music – and letting people listen to it – even more.

iv.

circa 2012.

"is that lee hwan?”

“the lee hwan? midas’ lee hwan?”

“oh my god, he’s even better looking in person.”

“kinda short though, don’t you think? i read in a daum cafe that he’s not even 160cm! maybe that’s why he still hasn’t debuted. they’re waiting for him to grow a few more centimeters, kekeke.”

“shh, what if he hears you?”

“he can’t hear anything, he has headphones in –”

hwan rolls his eyes and sits up straighter. taller. his shoulder aches at the sudden movement and he rests his head against the bus’ glass windowpane for support. the city is speeding by, the sun melting into the concrete horizon up ahead. the school girls to his left fall away and he tilts his chin up, letting the light kiss his face.

he forgets about practice, he forgets about his shoulder. he forgets about the questioning, prying, curious eyes to his left and to his right – maybe that’s why he still hasn’t debuted yet? kekeke – and simply lets the sunset swallow him up whole.

v.

circa 2013.

“is that the best you can do?”

jungah ssaem’s gaze is unforgiving and hwan bristles beneath it. yesterday, this had been enough. yesterday, jungah ssaem had praised him for being great.

“did i do something wrong?” he counters, meeting her glare with his own. if he was older, he would’ve resisted. if he was smarter, he wouldn’t have started at all. but lee hwan is sixteen years old with an ego that barely makes it through the front door and he isn’t about to take shit from a vocal trainer who had failed out of a girl group seven years prior. “i thought i sounded fine.”

jungah’s eyes narrow.

“you sound the same as you did yesterday,” she replies curtly. “did you even practice the points i told you to review?”

hwan is unimpressed and unfazed. he flops back down onto the piano bench and rolls his shoulders back, rubbing at an aching spot with a frown.

“i don’t agree with the points you wanted me to practice,” he answers simply. “if i add in the adlib you want, it makes me sound old. this way is trendier. it sounds better like this.”

“lee hwan, are you really that–”

“good?” hwan lifts his gaze to meet the older woman’s. levels it steadily and yawns once. “yes. i am. i know what sounds good. yongguk hyung already approved, too. i’m keeping it this way. i sound better this way.”

if looks could kill, jungah ssaem would’ve murdered him, right then and there.

luckily, she can’t. obviously, she won’t. not if she wants to keep this job. not as long as lee hwan fucking sits on his stupid throne.

hwan yawns again and reaches for his headphones.

“are we done here?”

vi.

circa 2014.

“i’m proud of you, hwan-ah.”

his mother is shaking and hwan moves to pull her closer. gathers her in his arms and presses his cheek to the top of her head. his limbs are clumsy. he hasn’t held her (she hasn’t held him) since he was a child and he isn’t sure what to do with his elbows. she leans into him anyway.

“you looked so good up there on stage, honey,” she whispers into the collar of his shirt. he can hear his members hollering behind him. “i’m so, so proud of you.”

the words smooth over his heart like a balm.

like a sunset on a bus in june, it warms him from the inside out. fills out the cracked, broken parts of himself. soothes the ache in his shoulder that burns more from bitterness than injury, better than any medication could. i’m so proud of you. he thinks it might make up for the years lost, too. the graduation he missed, the friends he hasn’t seen. i’m so proud of you. does it make up for his father’s absence? does it make up for the years he spent sweating, crying, bleeding alone, in practice rooms meant for five but could only allow one? the disappointment, the hope, the gossip, the hate. his crippling pride and the soul-crushing competition. is it enough to make up for it all? is it enough for him?

i’m so proud of you.

yes, hwan thinks with a slow exhale. yes, it is.

i love music, i love singing!

“this is what i always wanted, remember?” hwan breathes in his mother’s perfume. tightens his grip around her and tries to hold his broken family together in his arms. “this is what i want. this is what i’ve always wanted.”

i’m so proud of you, lee hwan.

vii.

circa 2015.

the first headline reads: much-awaited galaxy debut! overshadowed by produce 101′s breakout season finale?

the second: midas media speaks out on declining record sales. olympus will save the kpop wave!

hwan drops the third ( who is galaxy – ) without even bothering finishing reading the title. his drink is sour and the sunset has been long finished.

he stares outside the black, empty window, regardless.

viii.

circa 2016.

(he didn’t fucking sign up for this.)

ix.

circa 2017.

“lee hwan,” jungah smiles coolly, raising her coffee cup to him from across the hall.

hwan grits his teeth and forces himself to stop, dipping his head in a brief, uncomfortable bow. her smile only grows.

“i heard this unit doesn’t include you?” she taps a finger against the cardboard cup and hums, sing-song. “what’s yongguk doing – not including you on this track? seems strange not to include the main vocalist, don’t you think?”

“this concept isn’t–” hwan suddenly snaps his mouth shut. swallows down the words. the defensive retort that had threatened to tumble out. it burns down his throat like the very coffee in jungah’s hands.

“what? cat got your tongue?” her mouth is twisted in a pleased, unnatural smile. she nods her head towards him dismissively. motioning for him to leave. motioning for him to keep fucking going.

“don’t worry,” she laughs down the hall as she heads towards the elevator. “…we’re done here, lee hwan.”

ix.

circa 2018.

“hwan, i didn’t know you were so clever!”

“your face is a gift from the heavens, to be honest.”

“your recent unit project was done so well, hwan. i heard you’re interested in participating in the actual production for the next one? fascinating!”

“i saw you on that variety show yesterday! you did great, honey.”

“hwan! lee hwan! can i please have your autograph!”

“my son actually told me the other day that he wants to become a singer because of you. he saw you and told me he wanted to become an idol, just like you, bless his heart. can you believe it?”

“hwan – lee hwan!”

x.

i love music! i love singing!

this is what he wants.

whether he’s twelve, or fifteen, or twenty fucking years old.

this is what he wants!

even when he’s loved. even when he’s cast aside.

this is what he wants?

…right?