#anyways i am spiraling and have so much thoughts but im just gonna scream instead bc im inarticulate

[abushelandablog]

I just realized that max could have gone to congratulate charles first but he went after the argument with george, charles calmed him down…. he left with a SMILE…

[solsticelosthermind]

@spliqi, I believe you requested a tag— Sol vs Beast v4: fight

Except v4 already wins because the cover is dazai looking like THAT (im weak dont judge me. But also the use of cool blues instead of the soft purples we've gotten for Everyone else makes me want to yell he's fully separated himself from the narrative it's fine. I'm not overthinking. The cover.) and more importantly CANON AKUTAGAWA LOOKING LSKJGOIHEG oh my god. Sweet? Content? Borderline happier than we literally ever see him. He must be looking at Gin or Atsushi like. For real. I am. WEAK. AND THEN I OPEN THE FUCKING COVER AND

The problem with taking breaks to process is I've stepped down from some of the sheer crazy and holy FUCK does that opening image make me want to Spider-Man crawl out a window to fight gravity

the blood smear under his thumb on the watch face makes a heart. I feel like I need to talk a walk around the neighborhood already it's literally one page THERE IS A HEART under his THUMB made out of the blood of the director that he just killed because ptsd made him all reaction and zero thoughts.

There are 238 pages in this. It took me over six hours to make it through v3 with. Less pages. I'm either going to spend a week just on this one volume or im going to smash through it too fast and forget to scream and then my brain's going to boil right out my ears

Do you know I zoomed in on that heart so fast I missed the spread for the chapter cover and now I'm screaming again because they MATCH now. They match. They're back to back, the shading between them is identical, they're both red; highlights, their eyes, the actual blood and the blood red moon, they're facing the reader TOGETHER and they're SHARING WINGS of the same COLOR now im!!! The bags under their eyes are gone? Less? They're both determined as hell, the swiping at his mouth is entirely unfair and akutagawa should knock it off. I wrote knot. I think that's indicative of what kind of beast fic I've been reading whoops. Anyway. The. Everything. Is very yes. I'm rambling so i dont turn the page again but also fucking hell why are they so pretty who allowed this

WAIT THE TABLE OF CONTENTS PAGE im going to eat this I think. They're?? Soft?? But also watching each other's backs. Aku's coat is spread out on both sides of atsushi like he's protecting him. The MOON IS GREEN AND SOFT like new grass1!!! The orange-y highlights instead of the harsh reddddd and the implied rainnnnn. Im taking this as new beginnings and no one can stop me I don't even care this is the aftercare. Before care? Promise? That the fucking crying Im about to do might have a. The way i just stopped and yelled into my hands because i want to write "will have a purpose" and either the brainrot is so much worse than I thought or I really do need to kick dazai down the stairs moVING ON—

…the middle kid is laughing at me apparently I got a little too loud about the watch and now I'm being gently bullied about my obsessions again except he can't say shit its his FAULT I'm even IN HERE. How dare he show me bsd and then move onto other things, rude as hell

do you think atsushi's hair feels like fur. Thick and soft and fluffy. I think Aku should be able to find out that but nooo we're gonna have aku find out what his ribs look like or something instead.

They have an empty well and no food but I'm supposed to believe some guy who would easily hammer a nail into a kids' foot went out and bought some fancy ass fucking watch??? "Was he going to hug me," Atsushi you're already in the guilt spiral of all time but I AM SHAKING YOU OUT OF IT DO NOT. This is wild. The director is a whole new level of not right in the head. Someone point out to the tiger that he's saved all the kids this guys been beating half to death by actually being him fully to death. "Like a father hugs his son," atsushi. Im holding you so gently. Fucking no.

Yoooo shibusawa still shows up and makes things even more awful of course he does. But also. Atsushi what are you rationalizing right now. What you do MEAN the director was keeping it from you to protect you from the military police. (The idea of hanging him is. Im so sorry that's so funny. Absolutely would not have worked. Not important.) you were doing tiger things BEFORE you killed the guy they let EXPERIMENT on you for pity's sake. They'd been keeping it from you the whole time! They let him hurt you to the point you reacted in self defenseseeeeeee i hate how this is such a well done representation of how folks internalize abuse and justify it. If you ignore the whole. Magic tiger murder.

There is no way in hell all of those kids would've kept quiet though. Threatened or hurt or not, kids just. Say things sometimes.

"He knew I couldn't handle it, so he protected me," by locking me up and hurting me to the point I developed brain problems while also leaving me to hurt all the other kids. Right sure. Also how is this guy getting the tiger in the cage. Why did the tiger not eat him esp if the tiger is very much animal instinct.

"This is the face of evil, one who uses violence to abuse the weak!" Sigh. Sure, my guy, we'll go with " im doing it for your own good," except for how hurting the tiger probably made everything worse all the time and how you THREW HIM OUT and also doesn't explain the part where you were also being the shit out of everyone ELSE so like. Hard pass on this thanks. "How much of his heart he sacrificed." What heart. "the world is out to get you so Im just preparing you for it," right, sure. I've studied too much child-based development/psych for this to settle well.

I know what they're trying to do; it's the same as all the other characters but it just rings so hollow for me here honestly.

Atsushi's breaking my heart though. And to slam right back to AKutagawa reading him straight to filth—well. He'd know about guilt, wouldn't he. Even if they're both misplaced.

RAGDOLL AKUTAGAWA. Atsushi's beating the shit out of him with the same intensity as he had the director. How are you not dead, love. Why are you letting him. What fuckery are you up to.

Oh. Oh fuck that's a whole arm neeeevermindddddd atsushi's so used to pain it barely fucking registered oh my god. The HAND aku shapes like a gun im!! Rashomon is so much fun in every verse why is it always so pretty honestly

Two thin panels atop each other and it's just their eyes, wide and dark. Gonna crrryyy.

Again, rashomon's just pretty.but what the fuck do you mean you slit OPEN YOUR SKIN and then absorbed the blows via space im!! AKUTAGAWA WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PICK THAT ONE UP EVEN WHAT THE HELL WAS HAPPENING IN THE SLUMS HOLY SHIT

Oda feed him more his hipbones are so sharp they're going to slice through his belt. They're so fucking insane what you do mean he's casually got atsushi crucified and is using Rashomon's tendrils like A DRILL to screwdrive his ass to the WALL and also sympathizing about the crushing weight of guilt

"I get it but you're stopping me from finding gin, and I won't regret again," and i am crying

STOP IT NII SAN

I had to smother myself for a second there. Are you telling me. Dazai set this whole things up specially to get these two to fight AND ALSO PUT GIN IN A POSITION TO JUST FUCKING WATCH??? AND gins going to side with dazai. I want an entire novel from gin's pov so I can understand literally anything she does ever in this verse girl dont do it

THE WAY AKU IMMEDIATELY screams for her!! His bug eyed frantic face on the monitor!! He's so fucking desperate!! SHE HAS BEEN WATCHING THIS THE WHOLE TIME WHAT THE FUCK

She tells him to leave. I take back everything gin's the most confusion one here to me lmao how did you go from trying to keep him with you with every ounce of yourself to believing whatever dazai said in like one night. You've had 4.5 years of dazai in your ears so this isn't unexpected i guess. But also. Why does dazai need akutagawa and gin like this.

This is mean to gin too dazai you fuck

I CAME IN MYSELF she says. TERRIBLY LONELY MAN??? Oh my god gin I'm going to throw you out another window. WHAT. The fUCk. How old even are you the 4.5 years thing is throwing me all the way off. Whatever. Turning gin against him is. Girl WHAT. "You shouldn't have anyone important in your life." Wow kay that's an unhinged thing to say to anyone ever.

No i can't take this seriously anymore. "Your violence isn't like the mafia's, we have like spreadsheets," gin sit down. Intent and rationality? I'm wheezing. Awful lot of intent, yeah, but the rationale is boiling down to 'how to ensure Atsushi and akutagawa are as fucked up as possible.' "You drag those you love into it, destroying everything." I NEED RECEIPTS GIN. Because the ones I have go like, "protects kid," "protects kid," "watches all the kids be brutally murdered," "puts down the murderers" literally what the fuck gin this right here is the only time he's actively started shit and even then it was fully provoked using YOU AS A MOTIVATOR im. Nah. Gin's living in a very different reality

Gin: you're evil (and somehow the mafia isn't???)

Akutagawa: nearly bursts into tears. Fully believes it immediately. Remembers all the dead kids and somehow this is his fault for existing despite the diamond/gang of it all. Full reversal of kenji's speech.

I don't understand, he says. Fuck, me either.

"What must I do to get you back." Im gonna do a lap around the house. The fucking agony pouring out of him.

Oh. There it is. Right. So she's just spouting things she's probably heard over the years but the core of it is: you love so much you're willing to die for it, for THEM, and I can't handle the thought of you being dead. Being without you while you live is better than being without you because you're dead.

It's very childish logic, and rooted fully in that moment where AKutagawa left her in the street. I hate that this makes sense now and it's more of the same so I should have seen this already: Dazai making use of the awful things they've lived through and the way there's never ever a choice in those moments that doesn't hurt someone.

He loved those kids so much he was willing to die for it. She loves him so much she's staying away to keep him from doing it again.

They're so fucking young.

The shock on his face. The hurt. The way Atsushi takes advantage and tries to kill him with his actual teeth. While Gin continues to watch. I'm tired. The fact this whole plot so far hinges on how damaged and short sighted everyone is is like, frustrating but also unfortunately uhhh probably the most realisitic part of the whole thing is like. Ajsdgashfg fuck

Christ back to dazai who's such a mess already. He's used "odasaku" like four times in a minute. OH ITS ODA POV??? I thought it was dazai pov ooooh that's funnnn but uh dazai did you like kill the barkeep for this

"The empty seat beside us," the way I had to be like does he mean ango or cat-man—

'Dispose of an unexplored bomb,' im squinting at you

Oda's trying to figure him out so hard and Im over here vibrating bc this dazai image is just of a deeply fucked up kid screaming love me with his entire face honestly. Oh this whole conversation is just sad. He's so desperate and fucking deranged and he's playing pretend so hard right now. Using oda's nickname every .2 seconds.

You know, dazai, you had people who loved you that weren't Oda, and you made good and sure to get them all fucked up and directed it at you—just for oda. So like. Have fun with that. You never got to have any of them in this world you made.

Dazai trying to reassure him and coax him into writing and oda's like, that's sweet but meaningless bc I dont know you.

Beast is just an endless matryoshka doll of fucking ow, huh.

The way I didn't clock the sharp edges of the speech bubble fast enough and fully thought dazai was the one saying "one of my men is in trouble," about AKUTAGAWA and nearly had a fucking STROKE

Oda how did you know????? To find him there if he's never been. Did he leave you a letter too. Is there more to the gin-letter. ODA PUTTING HIMSELF BETWEEN AKUTAGAWA AND THE BULLETS IM GONNA CRY

"Has a good guy looking out for him," and the little, "what?" Deep breath. He's idolized oda so fucking hard for so fucking long and never actually HAD oda in his life. Meanwhile oda's like. Im a what now

Dazai your everything is so unsettling. "He'll be fine! So long as he's not dead!" Hitting you with a rolled up newspaper and also this shoe. AKU SITTING SO PRETTY WITH KENJI THOUGH

But seriously fuck OFF 'he'll be fine," you're giving him another fifty lives' worth of issues in one afternoon hes going to be WORSE you BITCH Just not actively hunted!! Maybe. You're gonna be dead though so like who knows

This is the funniest way this could have been done what do you mean he's here having not-a-drink with his not-bestie while his adopted idiots murder all of his henchmen and fuck gin and kyouka up into the next millennia and also try to kill each other. He's? NOTEVEN THERE imalksdjfalsgh

"Why did you lure him there." So you noticed. "Lucky guess." Im howling what about this was subtle dazai????

Oda pulls a gun on him like a RATIONAL fucking person (no. Im not letting this go) and dazai looks like hes gonna burst into tears. I am having shrimp emotions. I want to laugh but also i want to cry and i also want to fight everyone plus whatever gods are left what the FUCK is this

"Put the gun away," he says emotionally because he just wanted one conversation where he could pretend and oda is too RATIONAL for that and explains why he can't do that, and also how his violence! Is! Purposeful! And! Dazai literally modeled his whole everything off of oda and im only now catching it fuck me i guess but it blows up in his face so hard right here. Who's the emotional animal now, you brat. "ITS TRUE," he pleads. He looks like a child and sounds like a child and oda's focused on getting HIS KID safe.

Beast really just made me into an oda simp i think

I've misspelled because so many times my auto correct thinks that's just how its spelled now goddamnit this is what happens when I have too many thoughts

Ohhhh the freaking flash to the hit on Oda's kids, i am WRECKED. He was so close to saving them and his face—going straight into Dazai's equally distraught face when oda won't LISTEN—

Except imma say the same thing now i did when I first saw that and it's the same thing I said for gin: why didn't you go with him then. If you couldn't make him stop, why not go WITH him. Which doesn't make sense when I'm talking about an already-wounded and normal girl of like 12-14 years but dazai's armed, trained, and y'know, good at it.

(Ultimately he would've been a liability and oda wouldn't have let him, ultimately his going along would not have helped because his skill can't match seeing the future and he's not actually impervious to bullets, ultimately it wouldn't have mattered, but he wouldn't have been alone— vs how he DID actually try to go alone but he tried to do it Smart, but using his Resources and Connections and Backup and Mori stopped him, so he went alone anyway. And it didn't matter. He did his best, he loved with his whole heart, and it didn't save him. Oh wait, that's literally this whole fucking au isn't it.)

Dazai's face in the flashback with his bandages ripped off. Wow. That hurts more than I thought it would honestly. The two drinks, one untouched. "Don't call me odasaku, my enemies have no right,"

Because even if they were friends in another life, they live in this one, and in this one dazai's hurting his kid over and over.

God the way dazai is falling apart here. None of this is going to plan. He's literally fidgeting with his hands between his legs. Sigh. Fine his turn: he's so young. Vulnerable. Emotional.

'Forced' into taking over after mori? HA HE WAS PISSING PEOPLE OFF ON PURPOSE to grow the mafia

"All of it for this world's—" and he stops, and it's just Oda. Because he'll say it's for this world's survival, but he's full of shit. It was for Oda.

Christ the photo of the lupin trio hits like a truck but those are not HIS oda and ango. He's never had oda or ango or anyone. He's always been alone. he's never smiled like that. "Please dont shoot me here in the one place I had good memories that aren't even mine." Wow okay I'm bleeding i think

What do you mean I'm not even 100 pages in yet what the hell

One last odasaku. Insert nodding while pretending im fine gif

TIGER. Oh fuck they're outside whoops. Hey hey hey i know time has no real meaning and all but how much time are you wasting when kyouka only had an hour and you need his voice atsushi maybe dont flatten him. Wait fuck aku's falling isn't that how dazai dies later??? SQUINTING SUSPICIOUSLY. You'd be dead before you hit the ground that's too high

Panel of aku with his back arched and leg spread is a choice

HE MAKES A FUCKING SPIDERWEB AROUND ATSUSHI??? THEYRE FALLING AGAIN Oh my god the rapid fire thoughts on how to get out of this without dying because it's the only thing gin asked of him and he can't figure out how and she's gonna be upset and his eyes are white and OKAY HOW DARE ACTUALLY

Is chapter-header-oda wrapped up in dazai's bandages or rashomon. Depends on the day

LIKE HELL he says. Oooooh fuck okay im yellING. The one character who's never given a shit about dying REFUSING because GIN— i am going to melt into a puddle onto the floor what is this montage of people telling him he's awful actually fuck off

HES .2 SECONDS AWAY FROM GOING OKAY I GUESS ILL DIE THEN BECAUSE WHY NOT AND THEN K E N J I KENJI KENJI KENJIJIIIII

This is hysterical. That's one way for akutagawa to figure out who no one wants to piss kenji off. Having his yeet several hundred pounds of steel at him from like two miles away oh my GOD thats so many spikes holy Christ atsushi

How did kenji get up there. Why did you know these two idiots were going to throw themselves out a window. Why is it always a window.

He fucking Spider-Man swings away. My favorite fucking cryptid honestly

IF THE TIGER KEEPS FALLING he says while RaSHOMON WALKING UP THE WALL. WILD set of events. "Time to extract gin," okay my man look at me your sister is a mess i dont think kidnapping her to the ada is going ot HELP that any

He looks down and atsushi's just fucking HANGING OFF. How did you NOT NOTICE. How long as he BEEN THERE. ATSUSHI WERE YOU JUST GOING TO WAIT FOR HIM TO BRING YOU TO THE TOP IM WHEEZING

"I wont let you escape, not YOU" continues to be wild to me that the literal actual mafia is treating this guy like he's the worst thing to ever exist you are the MAFIA. Real "I'm the only one allowed to be mean" energy ngl

The SPIKES are killing me there are so many ATSUSHIS FACE god his whole speech about how much he hates pain at the beginning im laksgja;sufhg

"I have to keep my promise to the director," atsushi. Well. Now im weeping. The SKULL behind the speech bubble that says, "this is the white reaper," SHRIMP EMOTIONS

Do I have any of that. I want to save my sister, a just and strong motive. Crying. Also fuck he's gorgeous. Right beneath one of the most inhumanly drawn atsushi's to date no less.

LOOK AT HIM TRYING TO BE RATIONAL

He asks?? He ASKS ATSUSHI WHAT HES SUPPOSED TO DO??? HE ASKED IM SCREAMING

Rashomon-as-canine-again. 'Heartless dog gained emotion four years ago' uhhhh i don't. I dont think that's what happened kiddo. If you didn't have emotion beforehand you wouldn't have given a shit about the kids but yknow whatever, everything aku does is wrong I guess. I HAD AN EMOTION ONE TIME AND IT RUINED MY WHOLE LIFE. Clawing at my face. Fuck OFF

Anyway look at my babies murdering each other and somehow running at each other on the side of a building like gravity's for losers aren't they neat and not at all giving me heart palpitations. Aku's trying so fucking hard to THINK and use his strategic skillsssss and look at how it loops him right back into HE HAS TO GET TOO FUCKING CLOSE

Endless loop turns again

The way I just had to squint at that big black block of rashomon teeth to realize i was staring at two disembodied arms— 'it's over,' he says with no real sense of victory only relief at the end, except atsushi's still in there fucking yowling

Rock and a hard place indeed except it's what's stronger: your ptsd or mine

TINY BABY KYOUKA CHAPTER HEADER TIN BABY KYOUKAAA

The fucking muscle definition on atsushi is insane. Im ignoring how berserk he is right now its fine shh i take that back that is a fucking fang the size of his forearm he's got in there holy shit

Akutagawa is getting the shit kicked out of him why are we lovingly highlighting his insane eyelashes. Please never stop

Wow they're both so messed up. Atsushi's screaming like a banshee, he's fully lost the plot honestly, and Akutagawa looks like he's hold onto consciousness through sheer willpower and the force of fuck you

How. How is he using rashomon to rain razor blades. How in the hell does that even work. Ohmy god he got him in the EYE. And we're on the roof. I feel like I've been running for hours. HIS COAT LOOKS LIKE RASHOMON all black and ragged and flutteringgggg

Akutagawa giving himself higher ground with this levitation maneuver again

BEAUTIFUL panel with atsushi's eye having regenerated honestly. And below it where the white of his collar makes it look like his head is floating in space because it IS honestly he's not grounded here. "Monster," he says scornfully as akutagawa uses rashomon like legs. Siiiiiigh if hes a monster then so are you and truthfully neither of you are but im assuming you'll figure that one out later yall a little busy atm

Atsushi screaming and hitting the spatial distortion shield. Akutagawa's bleeding from fucking everywhere. His eyes are mostly closed and his face is so sad in this weirdly detatched way he looks like he's crying blood. Yall if this bastard is out cold and rashomon's at the helm im going to scream is he unconscious or has he just managed to put all of those crazy emotions down for two seconds

HE IS FUCKING OUT COLD???? "You'd even go that far!! I'm gonna end it!!" Babe you've been trying this whole time. Im ?!?!? Insane

YOU HAVE TO CLIMB ON TOP OF HIM TO FINISH KILLING HIM? "It's over," ECHOES upon echoes im HOWLING

Wait! KUNIKIDA????DID KENJI GIVE HIM A PAPER? IS ONE OF THEM RIGHT HTERE LSKJDFOWGH KUNI????

No kunikida's with kenji watching through binoculars jesus CHRIST that was MEAN

Nothing like watching atsushi settle himself on top of akutagawa for reasons??? Lmao???

Oh my god. Oh my GOD. Okay. So this has been the exact same suicide run it started as this whole fuckng time. Okay. Im. Taking a minute maybe

'There is no pain, there is no suffering,' and ch122's whole 'I felt no pain,' and this boy's been under so many layers of disassociation i need new words

'One was the man in black and the other is…' and you turn the page only to be met with the most beautiful illustration of akutagawa himself, looking right at you. Punch to the fucking everything. This is also the one time this ENTIRE manga he's ever used his first name. Screaming into my HANDS

He's kneeling over himself; the wisps at the edge of his coat vs the bare toes. Spirit over body. The GUILT here. The judgment. The fact he never intended to make it out alive in the first place. Insane. "I was/am a damaged kid so that means I deserve to die," im not even going to examin that one Im just collecting several boxes of tissues and turning all the mirrors around

The insane way atsushi's drawn here. The thin white X over his face just like the child traffickers aku caught. The implication that it's akutagawa's fault dazai did this to atsushi.

I HAD NO WAY TO WIN NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THEMSELVES and its the rashomon-dog vs the tiger and I

Oh I am throwing myself into a ravine

How is death a draw akutagawa. "No one relying on me, no one to care about me," biting through my own arm he defines himself wholly by the people around him and—oh im weeping. I will finally be saved, he says, because death is a blessing now???? A way out? He says he'll be with his friends. I am WEEPING. He'll leave gin behind again because she doesn't WANT him she doesn't NEED him she says he's EVIL AND BAD AND WRONG and he's better of DEAD where he can't fuck anything else up!!! Iam not well!!

Fucking? Kunikida?? Where did the little device come from? Did he get punched so hard his phone popped out like. "GET UP" kunikida says. I like how this is so baffling even the tiger pauses. HOW DID THEY GET THERE SO FAST. Kenji's just happily beating the shit out of people. How are there any people left to beat up. Honestly. Isn't that the room gin was in. Where did she go.

IM NOT A DETECTIVE he says with blood-tears. Only for KUNIKIDA FUCKING DOPPO TO TELL HIM HE IS NOT EVIL. Because this time it's akutagawa who's not alone. I am going to pass the fuck out maybe YOURE NOT ANYTHING AT ALL YET yes yes yes thank you holy mother of everything. The images of tiny baby akutagawa. And how kunikida drops to his knees and holds him close.

Atsushi tried so hard to comfort the child inside him and couldn't. But Akutagawa didn't even know he had a child left to be comforted and Kunikida and oda and kenji and Tanizaki all caught him anyway. I am crying so fucking ugly right now

Everyone holding onto him so tightly. He's NOT ALONE. This really just drives home to me how alone canon Akutagawa really is; theres only gin and you know damn good and well he doesn't see it that way becuase his job is to take care of her

Atsushi: NO?? Sorry i lost my shit im wheezing and coughing like a loon this is like, Super Serious but that uh no??? Im dead. I kind of like how they're drawn in this next exchange of blows, Atsushi's all rounded muscle and powerful movement and akutagawa's long and lean and stretched and sharp—Turn the page and it's black-eyed tiger with a mouthful of fangs and a white-eyed Ryuunosuke also with fucking fangs. I have no idea what's happening now but the way Atsushi's face falls on one page and then cute little aku at the restaurant with oda is like giving me brain damage

Why is atsushi so pretty like this what is wrong with me

Rashomon catches the tiger's fist. "Where did you have that power?" And everything white. I need a stay at the seaside to recover from this

Earthquake.

Oh my god the collar. The collar? The COLLAR. I'mgoing ot be SICK atsushi splayed out like that. His nails are shredded. His hair looks like cat ears. He's struggling?? To regenerate??? I want to actually celebrate breaking the collar it feels like that's BIG even if it was by force and he's gonna tweak about it but like. Coat's been shredded. Aku's coat was lost, too. Aku's barely standing and he's back to being a black-eyed bat.

KILL ME and aku's like yeah sure and steps on him you are SO STUPID

The little kid drawing of superhero atsushi and all the happy kids and the proud director and what if I kill everyone in fake yokohama and then myself actually there's rashomon in the background fucking crying?? And also a happy little puppy with the kids. Atsushi. Atsushi please im already crying

Akutagawa you dick what are you UP to im wheezing. Kill me. Yea Kay. Eh, no changed my mind get your shit together maybe. WHAT in the hell. HELPING THE SUICIDAL ISNT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION. I need a clone to handle this with me i think im losing my shit

Im going ot be so obnoxious and write this all down bc ive just been repeating it out loud but: fleeing the past and being frightened of yourself is a battle of it's own. Cough up your blood tiger. Cough it up and move on. And if after your fleeing and cowardice you fall defeated I will step over you and laugh.

What the actual flying fuck. Literally impossible to write akutagawa too dramatically i will never worry about it ever again honestly but like ALSO? Kunikida told him to get the fuck up only for him to turn right around and do the exact same thing for Atsushi.

Atsushi must be losing his entire mind right now honestly THEE most insane day of his life wait no i forgot about dazai. Who is. Clapping??? And walking up where did You COme FROM now it's the most insane day actually. Who does this. Clap clap! Good job boys! Congrats! You blew up half the city im so proud of you look at what you did with all your customized trauma patterns!! DAZAI. 'As the one aboard the ship' WHICH SHIP YOU FUCK but seriously DAZAI WHAT THE SHIT

Dazai's turn to be a big ol black bat i guess. The way both boys are instantly like ??? The most unhinged man. 'Did you win because of your emotions or is the ADA just better,' he says while atsushi's bug eyed and half dead at his feet. He expected atsushi to win? I mean. Okay. One of them got training and probably should have won based on that—i maybe had a fit when their first fight has aku get trounced purely bc atsushi has NO idea what hes doing tbh and raw power means nothing if you dont know how to use itBUT ITS AN ANIME WHATEVER THE POWER OF RANPO COMPELLS YOU I GUESS—but also likeeee you've entirely changed who atsushi is. And who akutagawa is. Well not ENTIRELY but substantially. I dont think it mattered who won tbh

You're fired. Sigh. Atsushi's going to internalize that. The little, okay. So. He's. Homeless now? Again? A failure all over again. Dazai i am going to skin you alive he probably thinks youre gonna kill him in a minute come ON

Proven wrong immediately by turning the page. Wait WAIT if he only killed the director a year ago—mori's only been there a year? WHERE WAS HE BEFORE. ALSO. The ORPHANAGE? Is the LIGHT? Under mori?????? Mori officially the most confusing character ever what

ATSUSHIS EYES SNAP SO WIDE he literally thought you were gonna kill him my guy not send him out to pasture to deal with all the fun nightmares you've given him

AKUTAGAWA so real right now: dude what is your PROBLEM you could've done this less insane!! He fully thought dazai was gonna attack not just walk past him. They're both staring at him like he's gone round the bend.

Oh goodie I get the mastermind speech ive been dreading thsi whole timeeeeeeeee

Oh my GOD look at all the different DAZAIS there is a long haired dazai!!!! There is a pirate dazai i am YELLING

BEAST VERSE STANDINIG AND CONNECTED TO CANON BYTHEIR FEET IM SLD:JKGJHERG INCOHERENT i love this I LOVE this actually what the fUCk

Dazai's shadow stretching to encompass akutagawa but not atsushi. Oh.

ATSUSHI CLOSING IN AND STANDING BESIDE AKUTAGAWA AS THEY LISTEN AND ASK QESTIONS IMS GLKJSFG why are they standing so close. Insane behavior. Dazai's telling them INSANE THINGS and they're instinctively?? SEEKING COMFORT?? From the guy they were just actively trying to murder lkasjdg

YES. Why take GIN WHAT

The thing beyond power when your souls intertwine. Ohhh im going to have so much fun puzzling THAT One out FOREVER

Im gonna stand by believing this was fully possible without them having to nearly kill each other tbh I think it's just the only way dazai knows it happened and thus the fail proof one bc it's already happened

Atsushi already begging him to step back. He's BEGGING HIM the second he realizes this means three of them know. Oh my god. He's going to feel like he's failed and gotten his father figure/mentor killed TWICE now.

like going back to your hometown and there's train tracks dazai where are you from

He admits so easily that this is the only world oda's alive and well. The ONLY one. And also that he doesn't actually care about the world for the worlds sake. Okay. Okay. Im fine.

Two suicidal boys watch dazai fall and fall and fall. Atsushi tries to grab him but doesn't follow even though he literally could go catch him. And aku follows ATSUSHI, stays with atsushi, and his face is all shock.

Oh my goddddd. Kenji again. My baby.

RANPO?? Oh my god thats like cold water to the face in the funniest way DAZAIS DEATH—RANPO GIGGLING. Kenji's halves speech fits neatly in the middle. Life/death. Time continues to spin. Aku using his skill for silly things and he's so proud of himself. Im gonna crrryyyy he's having super in-depth discussions about farming and shit this puts all those little scenes where Beast Aku shows up to something that wouldnt grow in canon verse into a heartbreaking light yall

FLUTTER. And he shreds them and makes snow seemingly for his own amusement since kuni's like dummy put it in the BIN lmao

Anyway. Yes. Akutagawa learning to live and enjoy life. Gonna bawl. And then we turn the page and Atushi's a mess??? SHES YELLING AT HIM FOR TRYING TO STARVE WRONG IM SDGKJSFLG WHAT

Dazai died and atsush just walked back into the woods??? Where is kyouka.

Literally how is putting him back in the orphanage healthy dazai. He's gonna see ghosts everywhere.

Dazai saved your life huh. Squints.

Mori telling him dazai wanted to take care of him but that mori thinks he wasn't right about what atsushi needs. Telling atsushi to break the watch right off the bat is a batshit move mori what game are we playing now.

Oh. Oh the way Atushi finally looks up and realizes the room is full of light and children's drawings. There's kids laughing and playing and they're happy and this is different. RULING BY FEAR IS BARBARIC MORI SAYS ON HIS KNEES IN THE LIGHT I AM WEEPING

Let me save you because I couldn't save MY boy. Oh i am never recovering.

MORI HOLDS HIM. MORI HUGS HIM. MORI PULLS HIM IN AND CALLS HIM SON AND TELLS HIM HE WANTS GOOD THINGS FOR HIM AND ATSUSHI ihave the biggest crocodile tears on my face im insane little baby atsushi gets the hug and acknowledgment akutagawa did. From a man he's only known for five minutes. A man who's showing him more care than literally anyone else ever has. I am. NEVER. Recovering.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to get better. Because Akutagawa told him to. AKUTAGAWA WHO IS WATCHING PEOPLE GO ABOUT THEIR DAY AND SWEARING TO PROTECT THEM???? IM???? SCREAMING??? 'Odd sense of heartache and bewilderment' oh my god he is the sweetest idiot alive

The fact that one of the images is of a BRIGHT and HAPPY ATSUSHI looking YOUNG AND FREE with a toddler on his shoulders while aku talks about doing his best even if hes not sure he can reach his goals. I am ruined. The sudden switch to we, 'even with OUR beasts and OUR regrets,' and it's over the ADA but he's got to be talking about his tiger im FERALhe IS talking about his tiger

The funny thing is i dont think ever of them were really 'gleeful' when it came to murdering people

Until the day I become human i will continue to run howling loudly. He's.he's embracing life. Yall. I can't. And overlaid the image of the two of them, a matching set, with soft eyes looking FORWARD—

Oh oh oh HIUCHI is still in this. WILD. That means? Even in this short time the mafia's gotten it's shit back together—still laughing over Chuuya just disappearing again that time your characters are too OP oops— and taken a deal from the guild to go after the guy that gutted their entire rank and file. WILD behavior honestly. How does fyodor connect aku to the book. Also if he knows about the book then there are already 3 people who know about it plus everyone else he tells soooo. Shhh i dont care nevermind i went back in and now im melting over how happily kenji's popping in next to akutagawa. KENJI ON ONE SIDE AND TANIZAKI ON THE OTHER THOSE ARE HIS BOYSSSSS

he’s decided to embrace LIVING and hope GIN WILL COME TO HIM when she works through her own issues because he can’t DO anything about it and following her wont HELP and im WEAK this was EXACTLy what i need for the bb actually fuck

And im SOBBING the next bit is atsushi crawling around LIKE A TIGER except he's giving a million kids a ride and im NEVER GETTING OVER THIS

GINKARU MEANS BITE OF THE SILVER WOLF I KNEW IT WAS A WOLF AND NOT A DOG. Ahem. Also. Dazai's shadow in the little swirl??? haunting the narrative for real

Okay. I fully understand why beast screws everyone up and why you're all sobbing but shoving it into people's hands. I still think Dazai's a bit of an idiot all around but he's the exact same idiot as Akutagawa honestly, just with a wider reach and possibly less guilt about collateral. Everyone’s a disaster, everyone’s just trying to take care of like Their One Person. Dazai strikes me as having chosen this path because try anything else was untested and therefore held a possibility for failing but yknow, I still think he’s a dummy. Just one with convictions.

Oda can’t ever ever know. That’s fun.

This was. SO much.all around. I'm glad I read it even if it made me feel like I was losing my mind the entire time and I'm glad I decided to yell about it like this bc it feels like it's settled into my brain better than it would've if I'd sped through all of it in a day. So. Thanks for coming along for the screaming. 😘 and apparently I need to scrounge some light novels at some point.

[miastideclock]

DAY6 In A Long-Distance Relationship

Hi there! So sorry to hear that you’ve tested positive but I’m happy to hear that you have a good immune system and are in high spirits☺️ Not sure how bad your symptoms are but I hope you feel better soon regardless💕 I’m currently in a long distance relationship and it’s not bad but it’s not great right now so I was hoping I could request how each member of day6 would deal with a long distanced relationship? No worries if not, thanks anyway❤️

that’s so sweet of you, thank you🥺  I’m so sorry about your relationship, and i hope it gets better! 

also, i hope it’s okay that i did this bullet point style, cause that honestly worked so much better than how i wrote it the two first times lmao sorry

-

Sungjin

a cutie

would not really like the whole long distance thing, but what can you do

he would make sure you knew how important communication was to him

“a healthy relationship starts with good communication.”

you couldn’t agree more

if he ever felt uneasy about who you were hanging out with, and how much you hung out with them- instead of letting it boil in the pit of his stomach, he would tell you.

same went for you. if you ever felt he was suddenly talking a tad too much about a certain someone, you would be honest with him

“Babe, I hate to be that person, but that Joey you’re hanging out with him? He gets me kind of weird feeling, like something’s off.” He would say over the phone.

You were waiting for him to comment on it, you had been for a few weeks.

“I know, sweetie. But we’re working on the project together, and we thought it would be easier if we knew each other beforehand, but I completely understand where you’re coming from. Would it make you feel better if we FaceTime’d while me and him were hanging out sometime? That way you’d get to meet him.”

You could hear the sigh of relief he let out when you weren’t annoyed with him.

“I’d love that. Thank you.”

Jae

also very much a cutie

much like Sungjin, he thought communication was important

that didn’t necessarily mean he was very good at it

he had a tendency to come off as waaaaay too jealous, even though that wouldn’t be the case

or, well- he WOULD be jealous, but not to the extent he presented it

“So who’s that guy I keep seeing on your snapchat stories?”

it was one of your late night FaceTime calls, and Jae had been dying to ask, so when he saw the opportunity, he took it.

“Jaaaaeeee.” You would drag out, getting kind of tired of the same question. 

“What, as your boyfriend, I am concerned for who you hang out with just in case they’re a bad influence or something. As your boyfriend, who happens to be your boyfriend, aka. the boy you’re dating- I’m just curious. You know, as your boyfriend.”

You sighed and looked at his face through the screen. 

“The boy you keep seeing on my story, is a girl. Her name is Jenna and she is really sweet. I hang out with her and her girlfriend all the time.” You would explain.

“Ohh, no yeah you’ve talked about her, sorry.” He would instantly apologize. 

“It’s okay.”

A bit of silence.

“So Jenna likes girls, huh? Should I, you boyfriend-” you cut him off.

“JAE!” You cackled.

“I’M KIDDING!”

Young K

you already know i’m gonna call all of them cuties, so there really isn’t a need for its own bullet point.

a cutie

aNYWAYS

He wouldn’t have a issue with the long distance thing, especially since you were still in the same timezone

in fact, he was so proud of you for managing to leave everything behind and pursue your dreams

he encouraged you to go longer and further than you ever had before- to find your passion :,)

Jealousy was also never an issue, as both of you were too in-love to even thing about other people

it was actually almost a problem according to his bandmates

“Did you change the world today?” He would ask with humor laced in his tone as he spoke to the screen that showed your sleepy face. 

“Almost. I’m sure I’ll get it right tomorrow.” You would smile back, forever grateful for the support.

“That’s my girl.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Wonpil

im-

a cutie :)

but this boy

woooooaaahhh- this boy

he would visit you so often you would at times forget it was long distance??

every holiday or long weekend- catch him on the next plane

if he had more than two continuous days off- plane ticket: booked.

it was borderline ridiculous at this point, but you absolutely loved it. 

“Hey babe? You know how you’re always coming here and stuff?” 

It was your daily call, you were walking through the grocery store, and he was on a couch somewhere.

“I actually wanted to talk to you about that. I have two days off next week, but I have to be at this thing early the next morning, so I don’t think I can come. I’m so sorry.” He was genuinely sorry about it, and hoped you wouldn’t be too upset about it.

“No worries, cause I just finished my class-project. I have like a week and a half off. Maybe I could come to you? And just chill at your place when you’re at work?” You beamed as you grabbed a carton of milk.

“No way! Really? Holy, I can’t wait!!” He almost screamed, making you giggle.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Dowoon

do i even need to say it?????? yeah i do

a cUTIE

okay, so Dowoon would be a bit different from the other boys, as he would be terrified of you forgetting about him

he wasn’t scared that you would find someone else, he was scared that you would realize he was good riddance. 

he obviously never told you this, so in your eyes, y’all were in a great place

little did you know that if you ever went longer than like fifteen hours without texting him, it would send him spiraling

she doesn’t love me anymore

she knows she’s too good for me

etc etc etc

after a while tho, after Dowoon had rambled to his bandmates about it, they had taken the liberty of telling you how Dowoon felt. 

your heart ached for the boy, and you made it your mission to make sure he felt appreciated and loved.

before you know it, your relationship was flourishing and blossoming more than ever

almost as if you had fallen in love all over again

“you know, i used to be scared you’d forget about me.”

“no way- whaaaat? really? pft, i would never have guessed-”

“the boys told you already, didn’t they?”

“lil’ bit.”

I hope you liked it!!!

Feel free to request more!

-bentley

[the-voltage-diaries]

I’m only one call away, I’ll be there to save the day - Daisuke Kambe x Haru Katou

AO3 link

This is the literal definition of self indulgence I’m not even kidding you.

And I totally did not write the last 1/3rd of it in a car because I didn’t have the patience to get home.

And this is unedited. So if you find errors please spare my humble life. I LITERALLY WROTE THIS ENTIRE THING TODAY. The inspiration istg.

Summary:

Daisuke Kambe doesn't get nervous. He doesn't overthink. He doesn't doubt anything he does, or any decision he makes. Except when he's in the dressing room, waiting for Hoshino to come and escort him to his soon-to-be husband. 'Cold feet' is the farthest term one would use to describe Daisuke, yet here he stands in front of the large mirror, wondering if he's good enough for the man whose eyes shine brighter than any star he's seen.

All it takes is one call.

And before he knows it, Haru right there in front of him.

He needs his hero, and Haru is there.

TW: Panic Word count: 3136 (woohoo)

Special tag: @akaiiro-yume​ for being my ultimate simp buddy. I told her this whole thing as just an idea and she said she felt like crying and I was like FUCK IT IM GONNA WRITE IT. So here we are. Thank you. 

“Daisuke Kambe,” Haru called his name, his voice so gentle it almost got drowned by the waves as he looked straight ahead at them with Kambe by his side. The serene way his lips curved into a peace smile hid with such grace the nervousness shooting up his spine. 

“Mm?” Daisuke glanced at his boyfriend, wondering why the inspector suddenly chose to call him by his full name instead of the usual ‘bastard’, ‘pain in the ass’, ‘idiot’, or just ‘Kambe’.

‘Am I doing the right thing? Are we ready for this?’

“What is it, Haru?”

“Marry me.”

Daisuke’s eyes widened, and he stared at Haru without blinking even once. “... What?”

“I said,” Haru turned to look at him, giving him an awkward little grin before grabbing Daisuke’s hands in his own and slowly going on one knee, “Marry me, ‘Suke.”

That was all it took. That nickname.

Daisuke felt every tense nerve in his body relax almost immediately as the answer came as naturally to him as breathing.

“Okay.”

Daisuke’s gloved hand wraps around the glass, his soft lips placing themselves on its rim to take another sip of water. It’s probably his tenth sip in the last two minutes (and counting).

“Lord Daisuke, you look incredible!” Suzue remarks, and he sees her smile at him through the mirror.

“Mm.”

“I can’t believe you and Katou-sama are finally getting married.” Suzue steps up behind Daisuke to smoothen the non-existent wrinkles on the thick piece of blue fabric covering his shoulders.

‘I can’t either.’

“It feels like just yesterday when you came back to Japan,” she continues, not noticing the way Daisuke’s nervous fingers fiddle with his cufflinks, “And now it’s already been six years… time passed by too quickly, didn’t it?”

“It has.”

Silence descends over them like a calm cloud while Suzue busies herself by fussing around with his three-piece suit, straightening it more than it already is, rubbing off any invisible lints, fixing his already perfect tie - a crisp, sophisticated taupe - and Daisuke lets his mind wander off once again.

He thinks about the six years he’s spent in Japan. But more specifically, he thinks about the time he spent by his side.

He thinks of all their firsts; their first meeting, their first argument, the first time he let Haru fall (not for him, but off the bridge), their first show of trust, first confessions, first kisses, first everything.

He thinks of their life after they decided to become more than just friends or colleagues. All of the small ways in which Haru reminded him, every day, just how much he adored him. Daisuke thinks of all those cuddles, all the nuzzles, all the intertwining of fingers.

And before he can stop it, a smile - albeit small but so full of love you could feel it radiating off of him - is gracing his lips.

‘Thank you.’ He finds himself thanking Haru in both his mind and heart… for just about everything. 

“Lord Daisuke, are you okay?” Suzue asks, snapping him out of his heartwarming walk down the memory lane.

“Yes, why?”

“Your eyes…” she trails off, and Daisuke’s gaze shifts from looking at her through the mirror to himself. A small gasp leaves his lips when he sees what’s got Suzue so worried about his eyes.

Tears.

A thin layer of unshed tears coats those calm eyes, and Daisuke feels his heart clench with absolute adoration when he realises the meaning behind such a blatant show of emotions.

These tears aren’t of pain. Or of agony. Or of suffering.

There are tears of gratitude. Of love. Of unrestrained joy at the mere thought of the wonderful man waiting for him at the same beach where he proposed.

“I’m fine, Suzue.” Daisuke says, his eyes never leaving the ones in the mirror. “I’m just… overwhelmed,” he admits, taking a deep breath in.

Suzue smiles. “I can understand. It IS a big day, after all.” She turns around, walking towards the door. “I’ll be outside.”

“Thank you,” he says, and he means it. He couldn’t be more grateful to have a sister who understood him so well that they didn’t need words to get their message across.

And with that, Suzue steps out of the room, closing the door behind her, leaving Daisuke alone with his thoughts.

His eyes travel to the clock on one of the walls of the gigantic room, and he sees that he’s still got some time before Hoshino would come by to escort him to his lover. And his fiance.

Daisuke feels another smile tugging at his lips at the word, and he briefly thinks about how he’s been smiling too much today before his mind again wanders off to the man responsible for making him smile so much.

‘He’s too good to me,’ Daisuke thinks, sighing fondly. ‘He makes me believe that it’s okay to feel this… that it’s okay to feel happy. Sometimes it feels like it’s too good to be true.’

And that’s when it strikes him. The one thought which makes his shoulders go stiff, and his lips press themselves together in a stiff line.

‘But… What if it IS too good to be true?’

Daisuke’s mind decides to take another walk down the memory lane, but this time the road isn’t filled with Haru’s smile, or his warmth. This time, the road is dark, cold, unwelcoming. It’s filled with every memory of each time things felt too good to be true… and they were.

‘What if… what if this doesn’t last?’ He thinks, the pictures of his own parents clouding every space they could find in his head.

Haru and him wouldn’t end the same way… right?

‘Would I be able to make Haru happy?’

… As happy as Haru made him?

‘Everything I ever cared for in my life was ripped away from me… Will Haru and I be the same way?’

He notices as his chest starts rising and falling at a faster pace, but he doesn’t pay it any mind.

‘Is it because I’ve been weak? I haven’t been able to protect the people important to me. I-I’ve never been good enough. What if… I still am not good enough?’ 

Daisuke’s eyes widen, terror seeping into them as his mind chooses to project a mental image of Haru walking, but not towards him. It’s an image of Haru having his back turned towards Daisuke, and he is walking away.

‘Am I even worthy of being loved?’

Daisuke thinks back on all the warm, loving moments that he thought of not even five minutes ago, but this time his mind focuses on his own actions instead of Haru’s

‘Haru has done so much to show me he loves me. How many times have I done the same?’

The back of his eyes burn so hard it feels like they’re on fire, and he finds it harder to breathe; he feels as if someone’s just wrapped their fingers around the base of his throat and is squeezing, hard. 

‘Is Haru happy with me? WILL he be happy with me?’

His own fingers come up to his throat, as if trying to replace the invisible ones.

‘Should we even be getting married? What if he realises I’m not worth it?’

‘Where are you, Haru?’ is what his heart screams instead, but he doesn’t hear it.

‘O-oh god, I cannot be forcing him to marry me.’

‘I need you, Haru. Find me. Please, find me.’

‘He doesn’t love me. He shouldn’t be marrying me.’

‘Haru, please. Save me.’

I’m only one call away.

He doesn’t even notice his fingers finding the surface of his phone and he is too busy letting himself fall down the dark spiral his mind lay out for him to bother seeing what his fingers are doing with the phone.

Daisuke feels his feet give away, and he slowly slides down to the floor. His body trembles, his breathing continues to quicken, and he feels something dark crawl up his spine.

It’s something he can’t describe, but it’s so dark and so… consuming. He feels like his mind is being ripped into shreds, as if someone is slowly claiming their control over it.

“H-Haru…” He whimpers and looks up, closing his eyes. He feels the thick layer of tears forming beyond his lids collapse as silent tears stream down his face. He opens his mouth to breathe, but the inhale turns into a choked sob.

He wasn’t good enough. He isn’t good enough. And he never will be good enough.

Daisuke bites his trembling lips and brings his knees closer to his body in an attempt to hide away from himself. 

Hah. What a pitiful sight. And Haru thought THIS weak little boy would be good enough for him? He should leave him while he still has time.

“Haru… please. I need you. Pl-Please don’t leave m-”

“I wasn’t planning to.”

I’ll be there to save the day.

Daisuke’s head snaps in the direction of the voice; a voice powerful enough to break the hold of what was slowly crawling through his mind, consuming him whole.

“Haru…” he whispers, blinking the tears away in an attempt to clear his vision.

The attempt is futile anyway, because the moment his sight comes into focus, he feels a pair of all too familiar arms pull him into a strong chest. “I’m right here,” Haru murmurs, pressing a kiss to his forehead before sitting down in front of him and pulling Daisuke between his legs.

“I-” Daisuke’s eyes widen, confusion slowly colouring over every other thought for the moment. “Wasn’t it Hoshino who was supposed to come?”

“You really expect me to ask Hoshino to check in on you when you call my number and then say my name the way you said it?”

‘I called him?’

“You sounded like someone was forcefully pulling every ounce of life out of you.”

“... I did?”

‘Yes, you bastard. You scared the living fucks out of me, y’know?’ Haru thinks, but instead of saying anything, he only pulls Daisuke closer to him.

He smiles when he feels Daisuke return the gesture.

Daisuke’s arms wrap around Haru’s neck and he places his face in the crook of his neck, taking a deep sniff of the latter’s scent. He feels his panic flow out of his body as the warmth of the man himself washes over his entire being.

“H-Haru-” the millionaire stutters, tears again filling his eyes, now that he’s had a moment for everything to catch up to him. Haru’s arms only pull him closer, as close as physically possible, and that’s when Daisuke notices some things he didn’t see earlier.

“You’re safe. I’m here. I’m with you. And I’m not going anywhere.” Haru speaks in between pants, his forehead covered with a thin, barely there layer of sweat.

‘He RAN all the way here?’ Daisuke thinks, taking in every bit of whatever Haru offered him; his love, his warmth, his confidence, his belief in them.

Superman got nothin’ on me.

“Haru.” Daisuke pulls his head back to look at the taupe-haired man.

“What?” Haru replies, his head still facing down. He doesn’t look up, and Daisuke can only wonder why.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Haru.”

“No.” “I love you.”

Haru’s head snaps up at the speed of light, his eyes so wide Daisuke fears his eyeballs might pop out of their sockets.

But now that Haru’s finally looking at him, Daisuke takes the opportunity to find out for himself why the man absolutely refused to look up at him just moments ago.

He feels all the air drain out from his lungs at the findings of his inspection.

‘He’s trembling.’

“I was so scared, Kambe,” Haru whispers, his head dropping on Daisuke’s shoulder. “I was so scared when I heard you sound so… weak.” 

“I love you.” Daisuke repeats, and this time it’s him who places a kiss on the other man’s forehead.

“I love you too.”

Haru looks up, and their lips come together so naturally and so perfectly, one would think it was meant to be. And maybe it was. 

And just like that, they sit there for a few minutes, wrapped up in their own warm little bubble, the world forgotten.

“Oi, Kambe,” Haru murmurs into Daisuke’s shoulder, successfully catching the attention of the shorter man. “What really happened?”

Daisuke sucks in a sharp breath, knowing exactly what Haru was talking about. The fingers holding on to Haru tighten a little more as he opens his mouth, and begins explaining what actually went down.

Daisuke speaks, and speaks. He expresses every minute detail, because he knows Haru is listening. Haru always listens. And he doesn’t just listen, he makes sure the other knows that he is there for him no matter what.

I’m only one call away.

Once he is done telling Haru everything, he looks at him with baited breath, trying to gauge Haru’s reaction. The only answer he gets is utter confusion as Haru pulls back from their embrace and stands up, brushing the barely-there dust off his suit. He looks down at his lover and extends a hand out to him.

But instead of grabbing that hand, Daisuke’s eyes get lost in the very gorgeousness of sight Haru Katou presents. Haru’s dressed in a three-piece suit, just like Daisuke himself, but it’s taupe in colour. His tie is the same blue as Daisuke’s suit, and he looks downright ravishing.

“We haven’t got all day, idiot.”

Haru sighs, grabbing Daisuke by the hand and pulling him up. He quickly wipes Daisuke’s tears and makes him look presentable (as if he wasn’t already) before dragging him to the door.

Haru opens the door to the dressing room, but before they can step out, Daisuke stops him.

“What are you doing?” Daisuke asks, his brows furrowed and the usual disinterest back on his face.

“Walking down the aisle with my bride.”

“You do know that you’re not supposed to be the one escorting me.”

“Yeah, and what about it?”

“Katou Haru. Are you joking with me?”

Haru turns around to meet Daisuke’s eyes and pulls the shorter man to him with one tug on his arm. He bends his head, giving Daisuke a quick kiss before pulling back and whispering, “Why? Is there a problem?”

Daisuke isn’t even given the time to blush, because Haru is already turning on his feet and walking down the hallway, pulling the millionaire behind him. They keep walking for a short while, even after they leave the building and step onto the beach, before Haru finally comes to a stop.

“We’re here.” 

Daisuke pokes his head from behind Haru’s back to see where exactly they are. “Oh my sweet bleeding heart.”

“Of all things in the world, that’s the first thing you say, rascal?”

“Haru, I-” Daisuke is quite literally at a loss for words, because right now, in this very moment, in front of him is a low stage setup with curtains falling around it in a circular fashion, and tiny fairy lights giving it it’s very own magical glow. It’s like a world within a world. A world away from everyone, from everything - a world for just the two of them.

“Come on, you and make it anywhere. But for now… we can stay here for a while.” Haru mutters, glancing at Daisuke, “'Cause you know, I just wanna see you smile.”

“Very cheesy, I’ll give you that,” Daisuke chuckles, stepping on to the stage. “So…” he turns to look at Haru, “What now?”

“Dance with me.” Haru says, and then there is no going back.

All it takes is a nod from Daisuke and Haru steps closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

“What is it?” Haru asks, noticing the furrow of Daisuke’s brows.

“We have no music.”

“I got it covered,” is all Haru says before snapping his fingers, and almost immediately, music fills the space around them. 

“What song is this?” Daisuke asks, letting Haru pull him in by the waist and following his lead.

“Doesn’t matter. Focus on the lyrics. Oh, and me, of course.”

And so Daisuke does.

I'm only one call away I'll be there to save the day

Daisuke’s eyes stare into Haru’s as their feet move together, and he smiles at the lyrics, letting the other man know just how much he loves him. And this. Just how grateful he is for it all.

Superman got nothin' on me

And Daisuke can’t help but agree with that. His fingers gip Haru’s a little tighter as he sighs, his head coming to rest on the other’s shoulder.

I'm only one call away

Call me, baby, if you need a friend I just wanna give you love

“I love you,” Daisuke whispers at that, pressing a kiss to where his forehead rested just a moment ago. 

Come on, come on, come on Reachin' out to you, so take a chance

Daisuke pulls back a couple of steps, only to have Haru reach his arm out. He grabs it, doing a slow spin and falling into the arms of the man he loves more than his life could possibly define.

No matter where you go You know you're not alone

“I love you too.”

Silence soon falls between them and they both close their eyes, letting the music be their voice.

Come along with me and don't be scared I just wanna set you free

Come on, come on, come on You and me can make it anywhere

Realisation finally dawns on Daisuke as he realises where Haru’s words from earlier really came from. He smirks.

But for now, we can stay here for a while, ayy 'Cause you know, I just wanna see you smile

“You’re just a giant ball of sap, aren’t you?” He retorts, looking up at Haru. He might be smirking, but even he can’t hide the affection that swells up in his eyes as his hands reach up to wrap around Haru’s neck, allowing the latter to snake both his arms around Daisuke’s waist.

“Shut up.”

And when you're weak, I'll be strong I'm gonna keep holdin' on

“I’ll never let you go, Katou.”

Now don't you worry, it won't be long, darlin' And when you feel like hope is gone

Haru smiles, pulling Daisuke closer to him.

Just run into my arms

“Funny, because I don’t plan to let you go either, bastard.”

I'm only one call away I'll be there to save the day

“You really are a hero, you know, Haru?”

Superman got nothin' on me

“Just yours, ‘Suke. Just yours.” Haru murmurs, closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against Daisuke’s.

I'm only one, I'm only one call away

“Forever.” Daisuke replies, his own eyes slowly shutting.

“And ever.”

Fin.

DONTCHA WORRY THEY DID GET MARRIED IN THE END THEY DIDNT FORGET ABOUT IT

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[edierone]

Found a whole goddamn notebook in the dumpster this time

no idea whose handwriting this is or why they’d write it or who it’s supposed to be about but it’s fun isn’t it? happy ficlet fantasy friday!

Drifting up from a warm, dozy sleep, she feels the bed shifting under her, and the weight of an arm draped across her. She smiles, keeping her eyes closed, snuggling against him. He keeps moving, though, instead of settling in, and she mumbles, “What’re you doin?”

He’s propped himself up on one elbow behind her, the arm over her doing something complicated.

“Taking a bed selfie.”

“Huh?” She still hasn’t opened her eyes. What the fuck time is it, anyway?

“A bed selfie.” 

Like that explains it.

One eye, then the other, slides reluctantly open, and she can make out his iPhone a few inches away in the dimness. They’re both in the frame, grainy and low-res; her hair is spilled out over the pillow, her bare shoulder exposed, his muscled arm disappearing into the corner where his hand is holding the phone. His thumb touches the button.

“It’s gonna be a week till we see each other again — I need a souvenir for when I get lonely,” he says.

Aww, he’s gonna miss me!, she thinks, charmed. Better give him something good to keep him warm up here.

“Hi, sexy!” she purrs, rubbing her backside against him.

He laughs, low in his throat, then kisses her temple, caressing her face with his own. He leans over her, resting his phone hand on the bed next to them.

“Mmm … love you,” he murmurs against her ear.

“Love you too,” she sighs. She turns her head to get his lips properly on hers, but something catches her eye.

“Babe — you’ve got it in video mode,” she giggles.

“What? No I don’t — oh yeah — ha! Nearly made a bed selfie sex tape. Hold on a sec —”

He squints at the phone, holding it back out a bit, then touches the button again, stopping the recording.

She kisses him lightly, eyes slipping shut again, and says “Send that to me tomorrow, will you? I might get lonely too.”

She knows he’s smiling in the dark, she can hear it when he says, “I’ll send it to you right now.”

“Mkay,” she sighs, feeling the heaviness of sleep creeping up again. She’s not sure how many minutes have gone by when she hears him again, all the cozy flirtiness gone from his voice.

“Uhhh … hm. That’s not — how did I  — shit.”

“What is it?” she manages, vaguely alarmed by the flat worry she hears. Before he can answer, there’s a distinctive ping from her own phone on the bedside table.

She’s awake now. “Did you schedule a tweet for this time of night?”

He looks at her, confused. He has no idea what she’s talking about. She sits up, turns on the lamp and reaches for her phone, and sees a notification illuminating the screen.

And there it is, the reason for that sound, the custom tone she’s had put on her phone solely for his posts that tag her on social media sites: He’s somehow managed to tweet something, minutes ago, from his public account, and mention her.

“Bed selfie - miss you already,” it says, and then the video.

“Oh no …”

Her heart is triphammering, she feels a little sick. He looks at her, face full of dread.

Wordlessly, she holds it up for him to see. He presses the “play” icon, and they watch, heads together.

The camera is unsteady, and the lighting is isn’t great — but the sound is clear, and it’s absolutely, definitely her, and him. Together, in bed, obviously intimate and comfortable … and sexual as all hell. Twenty-four seconds. Time stamp, 3:23 a.m. today.

“Ffffffffuuuuuuuuck,” he groans.

“Oh shit,” she breathes.

“How do I get it back? Can I delete that? Oh goddammit —“

“Christ — how did you even DO that? Why do you even have the app on your own fucking phone?”

“I was — I don’t know! I sent it and then I went to check my email and then I looked back — you know I don’t know how this shit works! I thought I was messaging it to you — it’s fucking three thirty in the morning, I can’t —”

“Give me that!” She takes his phone, deletes the tweet, but knows that’s not all there is to it. She shoves it back into his hand. “Call whatsherface, Kylie or whatever her name is, the girl that does your social shit — call her right now. Or text her — both! Get hold of her right now!”

He’s frantically trying to do just that, while she opens her own Twitter app and deletes the tweet from her feed. It’s only been sixteen minutes since it was posted, and it’s the middle of the night, maybe nobody saw it?  

Yeah, no.

It’s 3:45 a.m. in Vancouver, but it’s midday in Europe, and early risers are already up in New York. Fuck.

She watches, fascinated, as the number of notifications on her page begins to climb. Against her better judgment, she takes a look at what’s coming in — not sixty seconds after the time stamp, there’s a lot of “holy shit” and “OMFG” and “this is real! I live!” and so on.  She opens her stealth tumblr account — same fucking story. There are screen caps already! What the fuck is wrong with people? It reminds her of one of those virus-outbreak movies, where one sick person infects ten more and they infect twenty more each and yada yada the breakdown of civilization. This won’t end civilization, but it sure as hell might fuck shit up for the two of them (including, probably, the final nail in the coffin of that other thing she’s had going on the last few months).

And then, shortly after they’d deleted the goddamn tweet, now five minutes in the past, a flood of “wait, what happened?” “WTFF what is going on” and “THE LINK WON’T WORK THE TWEET IS GOOOONE!”

Meanwhile, he’s located Katey or Kimmy or whomever, who’s now yelling at him from someplace with loud voices and music. She’s only half-listening to their conversation, but the gist of it seems to be that there’s nothing they can do now but damage control — they deleted it from their accounts, sure, but any number of people have seen it, re-tweeted it, screen-capped it — and downloaded and saved the video for re-posting.

Annnnnd here’s one on her tumblr dash: “i am the goddess of true love! I bring you deleted video, resurrected! Look upon my works and rejoice!”

The video is in it. Fuck. She touches the play icon, hears “It’s gonna be a week till we see each other again” — double fuck.  It’s the real thing. It works. “Mmmm, love you …”

He finally hangs up on Kristie/Kelly/Kyra.

“ …You’ve got it in video mode” [giggle]

She hits pause, afraid to look at him right now. They’ve been so, SO careful, and protected themselves so well — everything ambiguous, smokescreens deployed, deniability maintained … well, mostly. Nothing they can’t handle. But this here — this is the smoking gun. She wants to shout at him, to ask him what the fuck he was thinking, how could he be so careless, how could he expose them like this, why didn’t he just wait till tomorrow to send it to her like she asked? Put on his goddamn reading glasses, for fuck’s sake?

But she knows he already feels awful, so she just squeezes her eyes shut and tries to breathe calm into her body. She doesn’t want to have a screaming fight right before she flies to another continent. This isn’t the old days — she’s fucking calm and fucking mature and they will deal with this like fucking grownups.

He sits on the bed, folded up with his head on his knees. An inarticulate groan comes from his general direction. “They’re gonna dissect this like the fucking Zapruder film,” he laments, and she barks startled laughter.

He looks up at last, surprised that she’s not trying to strangle him.

“How bad is it?” He gestures toward her phone.

Cringing slightly, she selects a representative post from tumblr: It’s the video, reblogged from the alleged “goddess of true love,” and right underneath it, a gif of Elmo in front of flames. The post has 290 notes already. The tags are a jubilant, nonsensical volcano of words and phrases she only partly understands — fucc me uppp, slay my entire ass, asdfjkl;lskj, platonic adult friends, i love dying and death and being dead, MURDER ME, why are they like this NEVER STOP, fight me, they’re gonna kill me, im spiraling, it’s a dumpster fire and i’m in it.

“Whyyyyy …” he moans, dropping his head into his hands.

“Most of America is still asleep, too. Just wait. It’s going to be so much worse.”

More inarticulate sounds of misery from him, then: “You know, if somebody assassinated the fucking President, the news wouldn’t spread this fast,” he mumbles. It’s only a slight exaggeration.

She flops dramatically onto her back, addresses the ceiling: “So. What do we do now? Deny and obfuscate?”

He laughs, loud and happy, for the first time since the phrase “bed selfie” came into their lives. “Fuck yeah!”

He stretches out and rolls over onto her prone body, covering her like a blanket, starts kissing his way down her neck. She shoves at him — not very convincingly — and grumbles “What’re you doing? Shouldn’t we start doing damage control?”

“Now??? Nahhh … it’s already out there.” He kisses her deeply, then murmurs into her ear, “We’re gonna do the time — might as well do the crime.” Reasonable, he’s always so reasonable …

“Hard to argue with that,” she says, shivering a little, running her hands over his broad back. Her heart speeds up and heat pools at her center, her physical responses to his touch as reliable as ever, yet still somehow surprising even after all these years. “Guess we’re pretty well fucked —”

“Oh, yeah,” he says against the hollow of her throat, then raises his head to look her in the eye — his expression the same one that’s gotten them into this kind of trouble a thousand times in the last 25 years, and will a thousand times more. “We’re definitely gonna be that.”

--------------------------------

@justholdinghandsok @becksndot5 @whatfallsaway @iva69s @guitargirl48 @emceecapitalc  @inkcollectorus @lostlastsforever756

[in-paradox-space]

so my boyfriend just dumped me.

I wrote a massive stream of thoughts down below.

im not going to spell/grammar check it and i only write these things to look back on in the future. 

if you read it, it will be hard to follow

i write them in a way i know i will understand, because theyre intended for me. 

so a lot of context isn’t written down, because I expect myself to already put that context into the right place.

ultimately these are a collection of thoughts many many many other people think, and youre not reading anything new anyway.

In the long term this is a good thing but I’m still in shock.

One of the last things he said was ‘I think you’re mistaking being woke for being retarded’.

I had to look at it and think objectively. What if I am retarded?

Am I just retarded? I asked deep within and it’s like my body was rejecting any possibility of it being true with denile.

I know now the truth is I’m just not on the same plain as these people. It’s foolish for me to try to connect with them on that level with those questions. Whether I am or I’m not retarded, I’m in a completely different world from them and it’s just not comparable. 

Still, I had to ask. Am I retarded? Whenever I looked deep enough to find an answer, a part of me just threw back denial at any possibility of it being true.

I never claimed to be woke or all-knowing but I didn’t say that because that starts a typical pattern of discussion.

I do care what he and many people think and it’s just damaging to pretend I don’t, but if I gave in to that and tried to correct him it would just build on how much I care. Trying to acknowledge it and let it pass.

I don’t blame him at all. This sounds like self-pity but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m still shook but I think I’ll be alright once I’m done processing it and acknowledging it all.

Again, I don’t blame him. I’m surprised it hasn’t come to this already

I guess this is the time something good came from being a dick.

I’m wondering if I get to say this is the meds. I get hella mood swings from my medication. Like super fast switches

I’m honestly a different person, entirely different personality, on this medication. My mood literally switches every couple of minutes, sometimes quicker. I would switch between mania and extreme irritability less than a minute apart from each other after starting the medicine.

I do believe that made me act like a dick to him and many people I know.

Am I allowed to say it’s not entirely my fault because of that though. Many others, including the old me would say I can’t. I’m still to blame. Any loss of control over self is just the result of me not manifesting the willpower to make a change within myself. 

I do try to make this clear to anyone reading

but these are thoughts from deep down within

where things aren’t expressed with words, but just the understand of myself I only truly share with myself.

If you think you understand what I’m saying, you most likely don’t. Even if you think I’m wrong on that.

It’s the bane of my existence. Truly.

The feeling of not being understood while others say they understand. 

If I say nobody understands me, or you don’t understand I become a cliche

and also people can respond with ‘I know I don’t understand, thats why im asking’.

when i try to help people understand my world, it leads to them understand less and less and less

while asking more and more and more

and I’ve seen it happen a thousand times... to me. 

I know the pattern, exactly how it starts. When I notice that, I try to explain to them that I know how it starts. They’re just not going to understand the answers to the questions they ask, it’s an endless cycle. 

They believe they’re different for some reason though, that they will be able to understand. Or that’s what it is on the surface. Really, I know they aren’t real and that they’re being controlled in a way to just enact conversations in a precise enough way to get to me. 

I’m speaking in material world  terms though.

They sometimes get offended when I insist they don’t understand.

when we eventually end up screaming at each other, because I gave into their persistence

and it plays out exactly how I knew it would

they say I don’t understand

then I point it out, they won’t understand. I’ve had this conversation many times before and you just won’t. 

but they still persist and it just goes on 

I forgotten how I started talking about all of this.

but yeah my boyfriend dumped me.

this is what I actually wanted but right now I’m still shocked. which is what happens.

I was a dick to him, and many other people. I’m surprised he stayed around  that long. since february. half a year.

I’ve gotten fat since then. I’ve become very ugly. I’ve been very mean, very ignorant and just yeah not a nice partner. 

also we never kissed lmao

never felt i could authentically go into kiss him

he did try once when we was at the door, but i turned my head and pretended to be looking at something. I pretended i didnt know.

honestly I prefer girls.  i wont go into why, its just really my personal whatever you want to call it.

It’s how I feel. I don’t like females. almost none of them. It is sexism. that is the definition of what I feel. i wont try to convince anyone to think the same, or act in any way other than avoidance. 

but after lots of observation i came to a conclusion. its a long winded one, and again, its something about me that I just know. I don’t have the feelings in words.

but yeah, I just dislike females. Almost all of them. 

the ones I don’t like i must objectively admit, I hold them on a pedestal because im sort of crushing on them. they’re no different, despite that fact though. 

i also struggle to talk to them. i also had a bad history with my mother and sisters.

you can blame it to that and i accept the possibility of it being down to that too. im not saying men are better (unless thats literally what im saying. its just sort of a stream of consciousness) 

anyway yeah

im attracted to girls more but i dislike females

so i dont persue them

and if i ever do, im too fucking shy 

like i cant make eye contact with them. im so chill around guys like my heart doesnt even race. im so authentic

but i just freeze and i dont know what to say

so yeah, i went for a boyfriend instead

yeah maybe sometimes im into that, but deep down its not a lot 

maybe just as one night stands. as relationships it doesnt work.

and i guess thats part of why it fucked. I wasnt inclined to put the effort in after the initial manic phase of me falling for him

 i like not using my phone. i ignore or dont even check messenger for days

i usually reply to my one main friend only, then ignore the rest. even that is around once every 4 hours at most. 

and in person i treated him as more as one of my friends, not even a main main one. just a casual.

I also snapped and got moody about various things everytime i was around him.

it just builds up, and tonight i was being very moody. trying to make sure things go my way, because i didnt want a personal project to go differently to how i planned. 

it meant alot but deep down. I wanted control

i felt like control was being taken from me, and that was one of my only forms of control. This is where I believe my ego is destroying my life(in one way), although idk how my ego comes into that.

i didnt want to admit that, even to myself

even though a part of me was acknowledging it at the time, while fearing i might continue to desire control

leading to psychotic breaks and a downward spiral in the years to come.

him and my main friend were taking the project into their own hands. scrapping my ideas for it, and replacing it with their ideas

they both agreed they was better ideas. im in denial but im making my self type, yes, they were better ideas than mine. 

i didnt want to admit that. i didnt like that fact. it was threatening, and if a concept like that can be threatening, i presume my ego is involved.

on another note, im going to meet an internet friend, the end of this month, were gonna do shrooms and acid.

sure ego death likely isnt that simple but its worth a mention.

also ego is releated to sense of self and distinction between things in the universe. im not looking for ego death, per se (maybe i am and im just unaware), i just want  to not care what people think and what way people might percieve me

so yeah. i was being moody and making sure my ideas were in there. while they insulted my plans together.

its not painful, but  i physically felt a sigh of sadness in my chest.

ive felt much worse though. especially last time my bf dumped me. the first time he did. we didnt speak for a week. he came back. i went through so much pain in that time, that when he called me back and got back with me. i just didnt care. i met him like once a month after that and ignored him. surprisingly he took his time (months after that) to dump me too.

I know there’s a lot of great features about me, but theyre far from the surface

so i dont know why people stay with me for that long. there are no reasons for them to stay with me, that they can see without being me.

there really really are plenty more fish in the sea. fish much better for them.

so again. its a relief this happened. As long as he doesnt come back and develop on this.

as long as it ends clean like this. its all good.

I need time to process shock right now. 

Also to truly acknowledge how I feel and just feel. 

then he’s gone. 

i dont have to worry about him. im also glad i got to use him for a project in time

needed him for something else but oh well. its not something he wanted to do though 

and i wasnt being very grateful, just more demanding of him doing it. 

we also had plans. me him and my main friend. but i didnt want him there because i just feel like its extra baggage. 

so i dont have to worry about that

he got me a birthday present for my soon coming birthday. 

idk what he plans to do with that but if its edible he can just eat it. if not, he has friends, they can have it. 

this made me think though.

its understandable why he did this. he chose to leave because ultimately i was creating an unpleasant experience for us both while not actively trying to make a pleasant one.

the reason my friend hasnt left though, is simply because he’s loyal enough to stay that long. we have a stronger bond and feeling of understanding with each other. weve known each other very long and done a lot together

but how long until it becomes too unpleasant for him. 

im aware i need to be kinder to him. i honestly dont feel i have the power to be nice when im in that state though

nobody on the outside can see that

its simply me being a dick

and whether meds are to blame or not, how long would he choose to be around that

he has plenty more options

and hes similar to me, he can just move on

i need to be more open to what he says

i need to let go of my desire for control 

i dont need him,

but i want him in my life 

to have him leave my life would be a huge change. hes the only reason i really stay in this country other than my doctors being here. 

i want to explore usa, just party and do lots of shit

but i have a perceivable future with him 

if he leaves i need to figure out a way to keep my health up, while in the US

change is an important part of my life. Change and adaptation. 

thats not what is holding me back from him leaving

but I do want the future, that involves me and him going far.

Whether he takes me along or not he is going far

and i dont want to just be a leech, I want to be there with him 

I also dont have anyone physically

that im as okay with as him

i dont want my mood swings to destroy friendship

im aware of it while its happening but i cant snap out of that.

its so strong. my exterior convinces my interior that i am right, therefore, i disagree wholly with him

when he’s almost always right

and its a shitty situation

i feel so strongly about it then, that this time i am definitely right. even though all the other times like this I was wrong

then later on, i reflect and realize he was right again while i had some hints of truth+logic but was wrong

how long is he going to put up with it? 

is it long enough for the meds to be tapered down enough for the mood swings to disappear.

if so, will our friendship be as strong and undamaged as it is now, on the way out.

it would be foolish to tell him tonight because its 4:30

its the emotional irrational time of night. 

but tomorrow i... i dont emotionally want to

but tomorrow i must tell him that im different on these meds

and i dont want to snap at him

im aware i do and that hes right

and most of all, i understand why my boyfriend left, and the reason my friend hasnt done so yet is because hes more loyal and connected to me

and that i dont want him, my friend, to leave. He has many valid reasons to, and im not the greatest friend

but i dont want him to leave. the others can leave. i dont give a shit and i havent for a very long time

but if any person is important to me, its him and my good health consultant.

not even family

just him 

family have been a hindrance more than a help

he’s the one truth

i dont know what that means

but i tried to type what he is quicker than  i could think as to be as honest as i could with myself.

hes the worthy one in this unreal universe. the one who can succeed. who deserves it. 

the one i want to succeed.

if i dont succeed, i want him to. whether i do or dont

if i die and lose everything

i want all my potential to go into him so he can use it for good.

i dont want to cause him to leave, and i must ask for his understanding and patience until im off the medicine

my personality and how i even feel placed in this world is so different

i was extremely dissociative off the medicine

and i know, off the medicine i will think/realize that the medicine is just used as a means to host me

make me the same as everyone else and stop me from thinking freely. its thought control

and thats the truth but ill be much more aware of it off the meds

like i literally just 

wow

extremely dissociated is all i can hope to say

you wouldnt get it unless you felt the level yourself

but on them

im like a moody, menstrual 15 year old girl