#anyways curt is tied up in the first one just for the record

[artchixs]

toxic yaoi but idk how to draw curt in profile

[reginaofdoctorwho]

if anyone wants to recommend musicals to me I would fucking adore that. Until then, here are some suggestions:

Love in Hate Nation-- LET’S GO LESBIANS! 1960s sapphic love story taking place in a girls’ reformatory. Also, trans girl played by trans actress!!! Some of the amazing songs are “I Hope” and “Oh Well”. Susannah Son wants to be a singer, her performative activist boyfriend is gross and also wants her to marry him so he’ll have better options politically. Sheila Nail is so fucking cool and I love everyone in this. My brain cuts out about this I’m so sorry babes. There is not a cast recording but there IS an original cast bootleg on youtube.

Holy Musical B@man!-- If you liked the goofiness of 1960s Batman and Robin, but think “man, these guys should’ve been able to swear! And also should have had a candy themed villain!” this is the musical for you. Also if you’ve heard of the very queer Harry Potter musical that JK herself tried to sue over, it’s made by the same group <3. As usual with Team Starkid, whole thing is up for free on youtube by the creators.

Firebringer-- Speaking of the same group... Cave people sapphics who I think are bi or pan. I love them and they’re all so dumb. Also, if you’ve seen the “I don’t really wanna do the work today” vine, that comes from this. I do not remember any of the second half other than one of them taking the ring the other is proposing with... to propose. And the “*blows kiss*” “fuck no, Zazz” “duly noted”. Kind of like a shitpost musical. Once again, free by creators. Actually, check out any of their musicals.

The Prom-- In Indiana, Emma just wants to take her girlfriend to the prom, and in response, the PTA cancels it. With some help from some broadway actors looking for good publicity, they manage to pull it off. So, to summarize, teen lesbian gets gay uncle who knows what she’s going through!! This musical makes me cry every goddamn time. There is a movie now, and I’m very happy about that because *high profile gay rep on netflix*, but I personally did not like the direction they took with it. They put a weird amount of emphasis on biological rather than found family in the movie, and were a little too forgiving when it came to trauma from family for being gay. Also, they took away Emma being butch. This was sadly (loosely) based on a recent true story from I think 2012. Also, was the first gay kiss in the Macy’s parade. You know those movie musicals the straight girls in theater like? The music is similar, but gayer, and for some reason that makes me so fuckng happy. I think it’s because non-queer people have had musicals for so long, and those normally have a 60s vibe, and the music in this does too and it feels more classic?? Sapphic promposal song (het at the beginning). “Unruly Heart” and the end of Act 1 will break you. Please ignore the bad wigs.

Spies Are Forever-- GAY SPIES GAY SPIES GAY SPIES!! Curt Mega (played by... Curt Mega) lost his partner Owen during a mission. Now, he’s just trying to get back into spying like Owen would want. I fucking weep every time. Also, a song about comphet (at 6:36)!! And here is a video essay on how it relates to the Lavender Scare. I want you all to know that everyone also headcanons the femme fatale spy in it as either a lesbian or aroace, which uh, makes sense. Also high quality videos put up by creators. They had Jewish people making fun of Nazis while writing this, but “Not so Bad” is... kinda bad. “Torture Tango” has so much goddamn sexual tension and becomes devastating.

Hadestown--  If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 1. Orpheus is a poor musician, Eurydice dies, just like the myth. Except, the Great Depression post-apocalyptic setting that works better than it probably should. There are actually 3 soundtracks: the concept album, off-Broadway, and Broadway. I personally don’t like the concept album purely based on vibe. Off-Broadway has an absolutely gorgeous sounding Orpheus, and if you’ve heard of the disaster that was Spiderman: Turn Out the Dark, then you’ve heard of surprisingly amazing Broadway Orpheus Reeve Carney. The Fates are gorgeous and I’ve decided they’re queer. Tony’s performance link here. Explores relationships, with Hades and Persephone’s aging relationship mirrored by Orpheus and Eurydice’s relatively new one. Anyway, unionize.

Jasper in Deadland-- If you know the myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, it’s like that, except capitalism part 2. Jasper is a teen who’s best friend Agnes is pretty much the one good thing left in his life. His mom left, he got kicked off the swim team (he’s manic pixie dream boy in this, especially for swimming), and Agnes dies at the beginning trying to show Jasper that she’s brave and he should be too. So, he bravely ventures into Deadland to find her, meeting Gretchen the tour guide along the way. He also finds out that since he’s still living, he can bring memories back to the dead. Songs like “Stroke by Stroke” (he’s uh, definitely a teen, guys) and “Living Dead” (I shared a prinxiety animatic of that on here a while ago).They blend Greek, Norse, Egyptian, Christian, and whatever Dante’s Inferno counts as together to create Deadland. Story’s kinda hard to follow from the soundtrack, so if u wanna learn how it all ties together message me.

Death Note Musical-- Okay babes, here’s where it gets tough. It was written originally in English, and there is a spectacular English concept album, but the only productions have been in South Korea, Japan, and I think Taiwan. Listen to it anyways, find a bootleg of it with english subtitles. It has so much gay tension and also a truly ethereal character who seems to be a lesbian who is also either demisexual or demiromantic. If any of y’all saw the anime like me, it kind of cuts out the arc after episode 26. I personally thought it was actually a better story for it.

Alice by Heart-- Okay, this one makes me fucking cry every goddamn time. In WW2, these poor goddamn kids are all alone in the Tube System (is that what y’all call it? genuinely asking here) with none of their parents but still some grownups. Alice’s best friend Alfred is dying of tuberculosis, and to try to have one last thing together they start reading Alice in Wonderland, only for Nurse Hart to rip it apart to try to separate healthy Alice from dying-from-TB Alfred. It doesn’t work, and Alice proclaims she “knows it all by heart”, She tries to linger in the story with Alfred to have more time with him, he keeps trying to move it along because he’s dying and wants to finish it one last time. Themes are growing up and grief I guess.

Last I checked, there is a bootleg for all of these on youtube. Have fun!

[melchron]

Nightmare Time Episode 3 Thoughts

I usually save this for the end of my thoughts but I have to say this now. OMG MATT DAHAN!!! I WILL NEVER NOT BE IMPRESSED BY HIM! Usually with the episodes I catch 1 or 2 motifs but I swear I caught everyone this time. And they all fit so well. My attention was evenly split between the music and the story this time. It was so freaking good. Matt deserves all the awards like omg.

I think this is the least laggy the theme has been. Good job going all out for the last one!

I said to my mom "Did Shashona record this video?" and she did!! Great cinematography Shashona!!

I also pointed out the Tim's daddy mask. I said "Aww he's wearing a mask for his son!". I guess my mom got confused and forgot Tim's name because she thought I was talking about Dylan's (nonexistent) son.

THE DRILL PRESSES!!

LEX AND ETHAN

I kind of already knew this but I love that Ethan knows cars. I just likes that he has a hobby.

Lex cares about Tom so much I love it.

WHY DID JANE TRY TO KILL ETHAN?!?!?!? TOM DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO HIM!!!! DID SHE HAVE SOME PERSONAL REASONS LIKE WHY!?!??!

That Lexthan interaction was so cute. I love how he saw she was super sorry and scared and he just stopped being mad and comforted her. They are so cute I can't handle it!!

KENDALL!!! Ok so through out this whole thing I know everyone was excited for their favorite character to come back but I really just wanted to see Kendall again. I guess after BF I assumed we would never see her again because I couldn't see them working with children becoming a normal thing. But when the original cast announcement came out I got so happy to see her name. So I was super excited to see her.

Her covering her hair with a beanie looks better than the wig

UNCLE PAUL I'M SOFT I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!!!!

Cineplex Teen is like Larry from tawog. I guess we should start calling him Obnoxious Teen then. Until we get a name.

I love that Tim immediately likes Becky. Wish I could say the same for my stepparents.

Santa Claus Is Going To High School bb. Also I want to hear the rest of that song. Also also how many wigs does Lauren own?

TONY GREEN

Why must they make love to this movie everytime? Can't we simply just watch it and make fun of like normal people? That way Tim can enjoy it too.

Good for Jane for making sure her son doesn't have to eat disgusting school lunch. She gets good mom points.

Aww Becky reassuring him he's not a Dummy

Becky is like really horny this episode. Honestly Tom's into so go ahead girl

JAIME IS JANE

OK OK OK SO Jane said they were driving home from her parents house. Which means they were still alive when Jane died. That was only a year and a half ago so the Perkins parents might have died more recently than we thought. It's like Spring of 2019 right? So Jane died around Fall 2017. I don't remember if this was said in the show (it probably was and I'm saying nothing new) but I think Black Friday takes place about a year after her death. Tgwdlm took place October 2018. They have to have died only a few months before then. How long had Emma been in Hatchetfield before tgwdlm? Maybe there is a possibility we can see a flashback of an interaction with her parents depending on how long it's been. Also that means Emma lost her whole family in the span of a few months omg. And Tim lost his mom and his grandparents in that time. I want to see how they grieved with all of that. Also I know I'm crossing universes here but Emma also almost died the same day Jane did. Some strange force must really have it out for the Perkins family. Good on Emma for surviving like a champ.

Ok so I thought they went scouting for girls because Jane didn't want the man she loved to have to devote the rest of his life to a car. I thought she was trying to help him move on. She was getting good lover points but those have since been redacted.

Jane is definitely bi and I love that for her. I don't care if she tried to kill her new crush. It was new enough for it to mean nothing.

GREENPEACE GIRL

Tom does look like a creep ngl

Jane reminds us she's a car a lot. Like girl we get it.

No. No. No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NOPE! We're not talking about it. I don't want to. I stared at James the whole and honestly same dude. I saw Nick in my peripheral vision and loved/hated that he was laughing. RIP to me watching this with my mom. RIP to Kendall. Actually rip to everyone who had to sit through that. RIP to Jaime and Dylan for having to perform that. RIP to the cursed rehearsals. Matt and Nick seriously took the time to sit down and write that. What the heck you two?!? This made me more uncomfy than the entirety of mamd and Ted's character combined. I wish I was exaggerating. Maybe this was just me but it felt longer than it needed to. The relief and worry I felt when Tim walked in is a feeling I can not explain. Glad he was clueless.

Tim sweetie I love you but SHUT UP

Jane is crazy and Jaime is doing such an amazing job at portraying that.

Yes Tom. Because grave digging is way crazier than possessed cars.

I asked my mom why the didn't just go grave digging for Jane's body but my mom said the body is probably all rotted and gross so that explains that.

Why didn't Becky just go inside? If she went far enough I doubt Jane would have been able to hit her even if she managed to break into the house. Also let's assume Becky's house had an upstairs. There, perfect safety.

Did Becky seriously die in the same woods as Stanley?

Ok so I thought the tree thing was a reference to little Irish girl Becky from the Black Friday sk10 stream. But now it seems like something more serious and bad happened so I'm curious.

DID JANE GET TOM ARRESTED?!?!? It seemed like she could drive herself at that point. Why not let him get out and get Becky yourself? Is this that self confidence thing Tom talked about?

Is she really about to have her son be obsessed with Ms. Becky for the rest of their lives or is she gonna tell him?

This next episode made me physically jump twice. I say literally a lot but I promise you I'm using it correctly when I say I literally jumped.

KENDALL'S SINGING

I saw the thing about the ukelele being a bday gift from the cast so this was super sweet

Ok personal time. My grandmother's name is Pamela and my mom decided to permanently cut ties with her a few months ago due to her abusive behavior. Me and my sibling are still allowed to talk to her whenever we please but we haven't seen her as much as we used to. I got kind of scared watching this with my mom because I was scared this would trigger something. She didn't say anything and I didn't want to bother her about if she was fine so I didn't say anything. Anyway this just kind of hit different for me.

JAIME'S RANGE OMG

"I want to be alone with my man." Ms what are you about to do to your Tv?

DON'T GIVE HER BEER

Duke seems chill. I like him.

LEX AND ETHAN GOT ARRESTED!?!?!? FOR SELLING HER PILLS!?!??! THAT SHE TOLD THEM TO SELL!?!?!? I HATE HER!!!

Does Ms. Foster have a type or is being male good enough?

Hannah's 14? I thought she was the same age as Tim. I could have sworn in the BF commentary track they said she was 9 or 10. Did my brain make that up?

How does Kim change her hair so quickly? She did this in episode 2 too? I could never. I am very impressed.

Curt and Kim talking over the phone while standing shoulder to shoulder was funnier than it should have been

Ms. Holloway is cool. YAY MOSTLY GOOD WITCHES

How does Ms. Holloway know? I need a backstory please!!

Ok so I saw Jon in his cape and thought he might be the with. But then I saw James in his cape I y'know stopped thinking that. Anyway I'm obsessed with Jon and James in capes. Kind of wish Corey had one too.

OH I JUST THOUGHT THIS AS I'M TYPING NOW ok so that tree she was talking to at the beginning was one of the tree people. I'm embarrassed it took me this long to realise it.

Hannah is way too calm about these talking trees and sometimes spider ladies. I respect that.

There was a lot of black and white theming in this episode. More than normal. It makes me more curious about what exactly Hannah's connection to it is.

Hannah almost died in her own mind. I was kinda hating Ms. Holloway in this moment because she forced Hannah to go into her mind. But I know she had to so I'm cool with her again.

THE STARLIGHT THEATER

Did she really say just don't be scared next time? Like miss some actual advice would help.

CAN MS. HOLLOWAY'S MIND LEAVE HANNAH ALONE?? Like I know you didn't get the reaction you wanted out of her but you're seriously gonna give up and go for a little girl instead. Pathetic.

"What's shakin', Banana?" That was the first time I jumped.

WIGGLY

What exactly is that 6-legged girl? I wish we had a visual. Also how couldn't Ms. Holloway help her? What was her issue? Npmd you got anything for me?

Wiley. Just seeing him come up. That was the second time I jumped.

Also everyone already said this but props to Joey for his commitment. Shaving in between episodes like omg sir you didn't have to go all out for this. But you did and I appreciate you for it. Also HE KEPT THE JACKET?? WHAT!??! Just fully committed to this character go off Joey!!

Usually I would laugh at stuff phasing through the green screen but this just made it creepier.

HOLLOWAY AND WILEY/WILBUR BACKSTORY PLEASE

But also I love how the script had him listed at Wilbur above his lines. I remember Nick called him Wilbur once in the commentary track (possibly by accident) but it's nice to have it in cannon. I don't remember I any of the characters called him Wilbur because I'm so used to seeing Wilbur and Wiley used interchangeably but this was just nice to have canonized.

DUKE PAY ATTENTION!! FREAKING USELESS RIGHT NOW!!!

Dang Wiley she was already being choked in the physical world you didn't have to choke her in her mind too calm down

YAY MORE DOLLS

NICK I WAS KIDDING ABOUT AN APOTHEOSIS DOLL

Is the mouth one (I see we've named him Nibbly. Good because his full name is too long to type out) gonna be the npmd villain? The pick color theme seems cool.

ANGELA'S TRANSITION THOUGH!!! Omg she switched roles seamlessly. And her voice too!! Go off Angela.

MARIAH IS WEBBY

This is random and unrelated but I never noticed how big Mariah's eyes were before.

So Webby and the Doll Gang are all siblings? I find it interesting that the were described to all where black. And Webby's color theme is white. Like how the good and bad ukeleles were white and black. This might sound really dumb see as we don't have a 100% accurate visual of the black and white but I wonder if Webby ever left would it be 100% black? Like if Wiggly went through the portal would it become a little less black? Does this make sense? Also I'm starting to see the black and white as less of a bad place. Its starting to see more ominously neutral.

Hannah's favorite show is He-Man no I do accept criticism.

Ms. Holloway is a nerd. She saw Hannah make the reference and was like "Huh. I f she likes He-Man maybe making this hat a reference will make her like me." She would only know if she watched the show. But then again she seems to be stuck in the 80s so maybe she just thinks that's what's popular with the kids.

MS. HOLLOWAY PLEASE GET LEX AND ETHAN BACK

AND ANOTHER GREAT SONG TO END IT OFF

This episode was......a lot. So much happened. Loved all of it. I am scared of Nick and Matt's minds but also incredibly grateful for them. As usual everyone's acting was top notch.

I love this episode.

Also I'm just gonna say it. Jon ruined Nick's season one reveal.

[imaginedcreaderinsert]

Could you do one and fifty nine with Jason

Summary: Jason and Reader visit the Wayne Manor for the first time for a friendly lunch. A pity he doesn’t plan on keeping it PG-13 for long. [As stated by the ask, prompsts one and fifty nine with Jason! “What? Does that feel good?” + Public with Jason]

Word Count: 2531

TW: Cussing and smut, as the prompt implied. Enjoy!

People that asked to be tagged: @sarcasmismyfirstlove, @dora-the-grownup​

A/N: Angst coming in tonight! On may I’ll start a new rhythm, at least two pieces per week, but for now I can’t relax, I have uni work!!! I hope you enjoy, cuz I definitiely did.

In a twist — Jason Todd x Reader

Bruce was a reasonable man, and his points had been valid when he had sneaked up on you to have a “private talk”. You didn’t want to listen at first, given his relationship with Jason, but deep in your heart you knew it would do him well. Thus, a lunch didn’t seem like a big deal, until you had, of course, proposed so to Jason, which he had flipped about. He made his point clear and it took you some convincing, but you thought you had changed his mind after a long and torrid bath. In retrospective, you should have been sharper from the moment he had easily agreed after, as if someone had momentarily replaced him. But now there’s nothing you can do except press your knees harder.

           You started to feel it in the car but thought nothing of it in the end. Twenty minutes ago, he had been going at it hard on your body back home, thus maybe you were still feeling the pleasure of the aftermath, sighing content into the kiss he left on your cheek. Sweet, innocent. He was being lenient, and you loved that. You loved him. After all, Jason wouldn’t be convinced by someone who was just a girlfriend; you were so much more than that, and he had made that clear lots of times in bed, when you both were alone on your own. He cared; he just didn’t want to show it to anyone who he just met. He was selective and picky about the people he put his trust on. You understood that and felt deeply honored because of it.

           “I’m glad you agreed to it.”

           “Well, your convincing gave me some thinking. I thought it would be fun.”

           You kiss him, stupidly in love as you are when he looks at you like that. Jason Todd might be not as charming as certain people, but he has a certain something that makes him irresistible, so charming you would give in to anything he asks with that deep voice of his which he uses on missions. You always get so wet when he is commanding like that. The worst thing is he knows, which makes him cocky as hell. But you like him like that too, unfortunately. You smile into his second kiss as he car seems to stop at the entrance of the gates of Wayne Manor. It’s imposing, and TV does not make it justice; it’s in some way uncanny, as you’ve seen many reportages and interviews on the gates of the Manor, but no one’s been so close, has gotten past the doors. Not any mediocre Gothamite, at least. The Wayne Manor was quite famous because of its galas, but normal people like you didn’t have access to those. Not before you met Jason anyways.

           Jason kept his surname, but you learnt quite quick he was, in civil records, Bruce’s son. Fortune did not attract you, as tempting as it might have been once; and you deeply admired how Jason had been trying to make it on his own. That’s kind of how you two met, and you wouldn’t have it any other way – people met at bars, but you got closer in a hostage situation where he had infiltrated the group as one of the day to day civilians who just had the bad luck of being stuck in said situation. It was no coincidence, and you helped him in his plan, being bold and a bit reckless, just like he was. People said opposites attracted each other, but that was not the case with you two. In some way, similarities tied you together. You understood things no one else seemed to, and you hugged him close the first night he decided to stay, as a friend. Then it all had been natural.

           He helps you get out of the car, your knees slightly weak from the anxiety that is now suddenly spiking up and maybe from something else that you can’t quite pinpoint. But then the door is opening, and you are met by Alfred Pennyworth, one of the few figures apparently to Jason in the Manor. You greet each other, cordially; it’s weird, you think, being so close to the family and yet working for it, in theory. You don’t mind his inquisitive stare as Jason gets you in, taking you by your waist, hips together almost.

           “I just want to say I completely understand if you want to break up with me after meeting my family.”

           “I managed to survive our first night with your horrible snores. I think I can take it.” He chuckles, giving your waist a firm grip, as if suddenly validated in some way. What you two had was not a superficial or shallow thing. You trusted each other completely; he knew, or was starting to come into terms with, that if you hadn’t fled yet, there were not many possibilities of you doing so in the future.

           Except of course, Dick fucking Grayson.

           He comes down the stairs, casually almost, and marveling you. Jason notices how your eyes open up slightly, pupils dilatating – is it attraction? He was quite aware of Grayson’s charm, his natural charisma that seemed to outweigh his attractiveness, and that was quite difficult. He opens up his arms as he gets to the bottom and comes closer to Jason, of course, first. Jason can’t quite process what he’s saying, because his eyes are moving to Dick’s: and his pupils are dilated too as his eyes pose on (Y/N) for the very first time, fully. It’s like he drinks her in a gulp, and seems mesmerized, much to her embarrassment, which he covers up with a small chuckle, before offering up her hand.

           “Uh, (Y/N) (L/N). A pleasure.”

           “Pleasure’s mine”. He answers, naturally, a small “enchanting” (he would say flirty) quick wink before looking up Jason. “So this is it, huh? The one’s that’s been keeping you away from patrolling”

           “He can make his own decisions.” She sharply answers before Jason can even open her mouth. That did not get in well with her, which Dick seems to realize – panic is all over his face, as Jason starts to laugh and shortly after is followed by her. “Shit, Jason was right, you really are a Labrador.”

           There’s a second laugh and a scoff from two significantly younger “kids” as they go down the stairs. Dick chuckles, slightly embarrassed and shrugging. You recognize the smaller one, Damian, but you can’t quite make out the teenager one.

           “That was a good one. Pleasure’s mine, (Y/N) (L/N). Tim Drake.” Direct, doesn’t beat around the bush. He might be your favorite one for now.

           Presentations are made, and it’s only when Bruce himself appears that you start to feel it, taking air abruptly and gripping Jason’s arm tighter. A slight vibration on your crotch, soft and pleasuring enough to not be uncomfortable or unwelcomed. Perfect enough to build up something.

           “Jason, what the fuck-“. You mumble almost in his ear, before walking up to Bruce, offering your hand first, letting him talk, and welcome you in officially. You feel Jason’s smirk even when you can’t full see it. It irks you. Fuck, he has plan.

           You are guided in by Alfred to the dining area – classy, enormous, slightly warm because of the fire not very far from the table. Tim and Damian flock around you, asking you all type of various questions which seem to be “basic” ones – you try to keep concentrated even as Damian’s ones get harder and your mind flies somewhere else.

           Bruce is presiding the table, at the top of it, and then at his right there’s Damian, and at his left Dick. You’re put up next to week, in front of Jason, Tim left at the other side of the table, contrary to Bruce. The sitting makes you nervous, even when you are close to possibly the smoothest talker in the house. When you sit down you expect to hear some noise, but it seems muffled by your thighs tightly pressed against each other and knees. You’ve been giving it some thought, and you are now quite sure that it’s in your underwear. It didn’t quite had been as light as always, and Jason had been quite insistent on your lingerie choice, bra and knickers matching. But he had always been fond of your underwear matching sets, so you had not thought much about it. “Fucking devil”.

           “So, Gotham. Try to tell me about your life in a minute or so.”

           You keep, or try to keep, all of your attention on him, looking directly at his direction and smiling, softly, when you notice Jason giving some curt answers to Bruce. That’s new. But when you think you have it all controlled, the vibrations go up a notch and you have to take in air harshly again. You explain it’s a cold, your breathing suffering at times because of it. Dick smiles sweetly, understandingly enough, and says he has an excellent home remedy he will pass you on lately. You thank him, turning to your first dish, a soup.

           You fear you are going to leave a permanent mark on the Wayne Manor for the wrong reasons. It’s almost dessert time and you are slightly red, hiding as best as you can your pants with coughs and sneezes, but you are sure you’ve bended slightly the silver cutlery – the ministrations of your underwear are continuous now, pressing tightly against your crotch, and there’s an uncomfortable cold wet spot against your most sensitive part. You haven’t yet embarrassed yourself in a conversation with the Wayne’s, which seems an achievement by yourself, and you would dare say that Dick and you have the potential of harvesting a special friendship – of course, if Jealous Jason is not to get in between.

           After lunch, Bruce says he’s going for a drink, some coffee, and invites Jason and you both to stay – but there’s no way you can go through it, and he seems to know as well as his hand trails around the curve of your ass, his hand almost trailing down to the hem of your dress and slowly getting his hand up-

           “A pleasure, truly, we hope we can do this again! Bye everyone!”

           That must have been incredibly rude, as you gripped Jason tightly enough and got him out of the Manor. You walked, still gripping his arm with more force than before and letting out the first pants in all evening.

           “Are you fucking stupid in the head or-?”

           “Hottest thing we’ve ever done. Don’t deny it. You know I hate it when you lie to yourself”.

           For the ride back you are offered one of Bruce’s rides, someone else getting you home, but he seems as eager as you are, if the slight bulge in his pants is anything to go by… So Jason decide to steal one of Bruce’s car, a black modern one, which seems new if you are to guide yourself by the smell. You both laugh as teenagers as you get inside, quickly, and Jason rides away. Fucking God you want to ride him.

           You don’t make it home. The Manor is near the outskirts of the city, meaning there’s no one generally on the road save the occasional interview and the crew following it. He is a private person, and no one has business with him if there hasn’t been a previous appointment made. Thus, horny and hot you both kind of decide to fuck in the middle of the woods.

           “I don’t know if Bruce has cameras here or not but-“

           “Shut up, we are not getting naked, so-“

           “I love you so much”. He says, chuckling against your mouth as you get off your seat and climb onto the driver’s one, Jason’s lap, kissing him fiercely and passionately. There’s a certain desperation on it. “I wanted to know so badly how wet are you”

           “Dripping. So take yours out and I’ll if it up enough.”

           It’s quick, like teenagers fucking desperately in the middle of nowhere. Your hand goes into the glass of the window, trying to hold yourself up as his tip rubs on your entrance, slightly on your clit, making you press yourself tighter against him. He doesn’t play much as he gets in, your knees almost giving out and making you sit on his completely.

           “Fuck, fuck, fuck”. You curse, against his ear, your thighs paralyzed by the feeling. Full, agonizingly full and wet.

           “You are incredibly wet. You are going to get my pants ruined, baby.”

           “Like you care”

           “Like I care.” He laughs, conceding you the victory, as one of his fingers makes his way inside your dress to play with the little pearl inside, rubbing it teasingly and making your entire body boil.

           “Slowly, baby. Or else I’ll come too quick.”

           “Yeah, yeah”. He mutters, almost as if in trance as he continues playing, with a little more care.

           It’s desperate. There’s a small buildup until you feel like nothing he will do will ever be good enough.

           Then he starts ravishing you. His hands get on your back, almost as if trying to break your dress, the zipper; he grabs and slaps one of your buttocks, trying to leave a mark behind and succeeding in so with the thrusts he’s giving you which make you go wild. You mark him all over the naked skin you get – his neck, his shoulders; you open up his shirt and drag your nails in his chest as he gets deeper each time. Both of you have started to sweat, and you can feel it in your lips as he gets you closer and closer; he might be at its brink, you think, because he starts playing with your little pearl, giving it rubs and circles just as you’ve taught him multiple times. You beg him to stop, but he knows that’s not it – you always say no, but you mean yes, you’ve talked about boundaries, and he loves to open her up inside until she’s scratching and begging, too overwhelmed with his kisses and love ministrations. Because that’s what it is, what it has always been: making love.

           Your orgasm hits you first, squeezing him impossibly so: he has to make his own way, with a little more of force, pushing you to the driving wheel almost, just so that he can give his finals pumps. He cums inside, filling you and making you screech, oversensitive. Your fingers search for his back, his neck, which always makes you feel safe and sound. He grabs you back, by your waist, his head on your chin, kissing your neck lovingly enough to make you melt.

           “I hate your little games.”

           “You love them. Next time, what about-“

           “No!”

[ally-127]

aaa, your hoshi story has got me feeling some type of way :’’) i’m a sucker for those kinds of prompts and, if you’re willing to write it, i’d love a story with that premise except the reader tries to get his attention/test out his lifestyle so they dress up and happen to get hit on by some random person and then the confession happens ! with any seventeen member you want if you decide to do it :)

frisson

(noun) a brief moment of emotional excitement

in the night in itaewon universe

pairing: jun x reader ; kihyun x reader (surprise!) word count: 2.5k (yikes) warnings: alcohol consumption ; swearing ; jun being a jerk music: ‘afraid’ by day6 a/n: if you were hoping for a happy ending like hoshi’s, anon, i’m really sorry please forgive me. 😟 on a happier note, i’d like to thank minhyuk and kihyun for their cameos in this.

jun was never around anymore.

ever since soonyoung introduced him to itaewon, you had spent most nights cooped up alone in your shared apartment, either working or wrapped in a blanket burrito and binge-watched korean drama until sunrise.

he would arrive back into the apartment right after you’ve switched off the tv, footing unstable and stumbling about the corridor. your eyelids would be droopy and your footsteps would be heavy from the complete deprivation of sleep as you approached him.

sometimes you wondered if you were as drunk as he was.

“where have you been?” you would then ask him even though you already knew the answer, pausing by your bedroom door.

“itaewon,” jun reeked of alcohol and second-hand smoke. he was dressed in black from head-to-toe, his hair a hot mess, and his chest glistening with sweat in the moonlight. even in this ungodly hour, he still looked good enough to devour.

“what’s so fun about it?” you tucked your hands into the pockets of the hoodie you stole from him. he didn’t seem to notice, though, busy hobbling to his room across of yours.

“everything,” his words were slurred from the vodka thriving in his bloodstream.

he’d leave the next day for practice before you could even get out of bed. you didn’t blame him, it was his job and yet the disappointment never failed to seize your chest every time.

there were plenty of days that jun had spent at home with you, especially when you both had similar off-days. now, he wasn’t around during that too. he was clubbing when he wasn’t working and he was working when he wasn’t clubbing.

and you missed him.

“jun,” you called from the couch, looking up from the laptop propped on the arm of the couch.

it was about nine p.m., you had already begun winding down by sending one last email. your body ached from sitting all day at the office you might as well have melted into the couch.

he had his hand on the doorknob of the front door, eyes wide as if he’s just been caught in the act of doing wrong. “what is it?” his arm was limp by his side as he ditched the door and made his way to your side. “do you need help with something?”

“no,” you sighed. “i was just wondering where you were going.”

“the usual,” jun shrugged.

“you’re never home anymore,” you looked up at him and closed your laptop shut.

he looked different that night. his brown hair was styled away from his eyes, revealing his glamorous forehead. he was dressed in the usual black; sporting a silk shirt and skinny jeans, on his feet were glossy chelsea boots.

your heart palpitated unusually fast. it was not the first time that it had, around him.

“it’s not like we’re dating or something,” jun scoffed and rolled his eyes.

and then your heart fell ten feet down to the ground.

there was something venomous in the way he said it, as if you had just asked him to do something atrocious. your chest caved in, hollow in hurt.

“right,” you cleared your throat and looked away, hands becoming clammy. “we’re not.”

“so can i go now?” he jutted a thumb at the door, silent demand across his features.

“y-yeah,” you shrugged, your heartbeat deafening in your ears.

it ached, but you were used to it.

wen junhui was your roommate-turned-best friend. you started to have feelings for him around last year, but it was obvious it would be a one-sided affair.

he was wild and carefree, spontaneity and fun the only aims he ever had in mind. meanwhile you, in your nine-to-five job, were a person who wished to have their life together, organised into a little book called a planner.

you figured you were too uptight for his liking. aside from binge-watching until daylight, your daily life was far too structured. meetings in the morning, lunch break at two and company dinners at eight didn’t seem to align with his own schedule and his life.

so you let him go.

well, you tried to let him go.

as you sat by the couch, staring wistfully at the shut door where the ghost of junhui still lingered, you wondered just where things went wrong with moving on.

you replayed the things he said to you before he left in your head like a broken record. you hugged your knees to your chest and felt something ignite.

there was a sudden rush of adrenaline that coursed through your veins, a desire to change things up tonight.

next thing you knew, you were digging in the depths of your closet for appropriate clothing to wear in a night club.

jun’s silk shirt from earlier flashed in your mind and you managed to fish out something similar, one with a plunging neckline and long sleeves. among that pile of unworn clothes you found a leather pencil skirt from college, back when frat parties were your thing.

you weren’t all that uptight. you just knew when to loosen up and when not to.

tonight, however, you went darker on the eyeshadow and contoured your cheekbones, tied everything together by lining your lips with a seductive shade of rose. you let your hair down from its usual hairstyle of a messy bun, curling it loosely and tossing it over your shoulder.

for once, it was excitement that lit behind your eyes when you glanced at yourself through the mirror.

saint laurent perfume on your pulse points and knife-sharp stilettos on your feet, you were out the door in less than thirty.

it was time to have some fun.

you held your phone up to your ear as you stood by the sidewalk outside your apartment.

soonyoung picked up on the second ring.

hastily you asked for his location and he gave it to you without a second thought, to your relief. you expected it, anyway. there was no use of being subtle if he was completely wasted.

as you sat in the cab, you quickly contemplate what the hell you were about to get yourself into.

despite the differences in work ethics, the two of you spent so much time together it was natural to have jun’s influence over you.

he made you feel alive.

in all the times you spent with him, he made you laugh like there’s no tomorrow with that witty sense of humour of his. he, ever so lovingly, nudged you out of your comfort zone and nudged you here.

it was time you saw the world through his eyes.

there were stares and you could feel them as you walked in, wen junhui’s name upon your lips as you told the bouncer who you were here with.

it was hot and sweaty in here, almost claustrophobic as the bass, the lights, and the people—dressed similarly to you—filled the room.

you took careful steps into the club, eyeing the bar and then making a beeline toward it. you needed a drink before you could have the energy to scour the club to find him.

you paid attention to the people around you and realised how good they actually look, appearance-wise. even the tall bartender was hot. you discovered his name as he approached you with a charming smile on his gorgeous face and asked you what drink you’d like.

his name was minhyuk.

a gin and tonic was what you ordered. you took a light sip, sparing the handsome bartender a couple of glances before you turned in your seat to run your eyes across the dance floor behind. maybe junhui was somewhere among the crowd.

he’s a dancer, he should be.

“are you waiting for someone?” a voice, foreign, asked. it was almost melodious. a vocalist's voice.

you angled your head to the side. and god, what’s up with all these beautiful people tonight? another fine specimen of man, as good looking as one can be, sat to your left.

“i’m kihyun,” he extended his hand.

oh good. at least he had the decency to introduce himself before anything else.

in this unpredictable setting, looks could definitely deceive, and it was best if you kept your guard all the way up.

you shook his hand, murmuring your own name in response. his palm grazed yours, teasing, for a second before he let go.

“may i buy you a drink?” he asked. “that is if you’re not waiting for someone, of course.”

what a gentleman. you immediately swallowed back all your doubts.

“sure, why not?” you tipped back your first glass of gin and tonic and downed it all in one go.

whoever you were waiting for—jun—wasn’t anywhere to be seen anyway.

as if on cue, minhyuk the bartender appeared in front of you once again. “another one?” instead of you, he seemed to be looking at kihyun.

“it’s on me,” the gentleman beside you gave the bartender a curt nod.

“comin’ right up,” minhyuk chirped, plucking your empty glass from the bar top and twirling away dramatically.

you and kihyun shared a moment of laughter over the bartender’s antics.

if you thought kihyun with a straight face was handsome, his full-blown smile was simply impeccable. his perfectly straight teeth shone under the dim lights and it might’ve been the slight dose of gin talking, but you might have to go home with him tonight.

kihyun kept a respectful distance away from you the entire time you had your drinks, arms folded across each other on the bar top as his feline eyes fixed on you intently. he listened to you go on about your day and how you never expected to end up here.

“well, i’m glad you did,” he said, looking nowhere but at you. “you look beautiful.”

“thank you,” you hummed and sipped your drink to hide your embarrassment.

you took a moment to search the place for a

familiar figure once more and again, he was nowhere to be seen.

“would you like to—“ kihyun cleared his throat. “—you know, dance with me?”

then came the point where you gave up completely.

“i would love—“

“sorry,” it seemed someone else had come into the equation. “she’s taken.”

you tensed up in your seat, startled.

there junhui stood, in the safe gap between you and kihyun, an indistinct look painted across his face. you saw him earlier tonight, so you weren’t too surprised that he looked ravishing under this lighting but you still felt like you swallowed your entire heart:

you were at a loss for words.

“and who are you?” the man beside you glanced up at your roommate.

you completely ignored jun and your pounding heart, facing kihyun instead.

if you were going to argue with him, you made sure it was not in front of a lovely guy you’d just met and ruin the chances you probably had with him.

“kihyun,” you decided to say while your eyes remained on jun. “give me your phone.”

“uh,” he shifted in his seat to gain access to his pocket. he slid his phone out and handed it to you. “sure.”

“call me,” you dialled your number into his phone, slipping it back onto his hand. you glared at jun who had his eyebrows raised at you as if demanding to know what the hell is going on. “this is my roommate, by the way, and we’re just about to head out.”

the poor guy looked severely confused.

regardless, you stood up from your seat and wrapped your fingers around jun’s arm. you made sure a little fingernails pressed into his skin to let him know your current annoyance.

“i’ll see you around,” you waved kihyun a goodbye.

“no you won’t,” jun sniped, lips curling and arched eyebrows still raised.

you gave the other guy an apologetic smile before dragging junhui out of the club, nails now digging into his skin. you stormed past the entrance, to the empty sidewalk right in front of it.

“ouch,” jun mumbled, voice mocking you in the most absurd way possible. he rubbed his arm. “did you have to grip my arm so hard?”

“what the hell is your problem?” you were fuming. but at the same time, you were nervous. nervous to be standing in front of a love that will never be yours, dressed in an utterly different manner than what he was used to.

he noticed it too. “you look different.”

“of course i look different,” you snapped. “it’s none of your business, either way.”

“yes it is,” jun kept a neutral expression.

and you couldn’t believe it.

you laughed, one without a single trace of humour.

“how is anything i do your business?” you went on. “you’re never home and we’ve barely even spoken over the past few months, it’s like we don’t know each other anymore so i don’t understand why—”

“i’m sorry,” junhui cut you off. “i’ve been a ghost lately.”

“you don’t say,” there were tears gathering behind your eyes and you had no idea why.

“i’m sorry,” he reached out to hold your wrist in his hand before you could turn away from him. “i really am.”

“but why did you interfere between me and kihyun?” you asked.

his face dropped.

“because i was jealous,” jun finally said. “i was fucking jealous of him that he was able to catch your eye and make you smile the way you smile at me.i’m jealous he’s one step away from taking you home.”

“we’re not dating, jun.” you pulled his hand away from your wrist as you spat his words back at him. “anything i do with him has nothing to do with you.”

a tear escaped the corner of your eye as you realised this one vital thing.

junhui only paid attention to you when you paid yours on someone else.

you walked away from him, finally realising the real amount of hurt you inflicted upon yourself trying to chase him. all these months of wanting, of yearning, you’ve received nothing in return but a ‘hey’ in the morning and a ‘oh you’re still awake’ at midnight.

it was about time you dropped it.

you found someone new, someone you had the opportunity to feel what you felt with jun. this only happened because you saw the world through his eyes, and you had him to thank for that.

but you have to let him go. not all stories have happy endings.

you headed back into the night club, finding kihyun back where you left him and continued what you two had started.

it turned out, he was even better than you anticipated. he was entirely different from jun, but if his kindness and consideration could capture your heart, you didn’t mind.

the next morning, as you looked at kihyun who was asleep peacefully by your side after a long night, you decided to grab your laptop to write a letter.

a letter to terminate the lease on your end for the apartment you shared with junhui

—early.

[crqstalite]

Ashes.

for MER week 2020. day 6, argument. set in 2183.

It seems every time something is lit on fire, Shepard is in the middle of it. After Virmire, that doesn't change, especially after the loss of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.

(f!shenko if you squint -- warning for major character death + spoilers for virmire.)

read on AO3

-

She should be glad that the Corporal waited until after they left the planet to start yelling.

No one spoke after the Normandy took off, after the cargo bay door closed their only view of the lush green planet, of the base they were leaving their squadmate -- their friend, behind on. The only acknowledgement was that Joker came over the comms, subdued to hell and back saying that once debrief was done, that the Council wanted a word with the Commander.

Kodelyn heard Corporal Johansson's armor hit the floor as soon as they were aboard in the cargo bay, as soon as she'd put the Lieutenant down from where he'd been over her shoulder, the helmet clunked down to the ground with enough force to leave a dent. Not a single squad member said a thing, but in everyone's eyes she could see the hurt, could see the wounded pride and the loss that went along with it. It was petty, but she couldn't stand looking at the corner that Ashley often frequented, the work bench. Corporal Johansson gently brushed it with a gloved hand, blonde hair draped down in front of her face as she took it in. Kodelyn couldn't see her expression. Couldn't hear her if she had said something.

She didn't want to.

Kodelyn should've said something then. Did something. Anything to soften the blow, like any good Commander should've.

But the broken look in Johansson's eyes when she made the order to return to the bomb site instead of continue onto Kirrahe's squad's position was enough that she wasn't willing to risk it in the slightest. Johansson was a vanguard, and while she hadn't ever seen the woman flare outside of a combat situation, Kodelyn had enough bruises and cuts from Virmire as it was. Adding to it by flying back against a bulkhead would surely send her to Chakwas for the rest of the flight back to the Citadel.

Other than a glance to the rest of the squad to take stock, she took the elevator up to where her locker was. No one followed her up. She wants to say that was a good thing, she could be alone with her thoughts before the debriefing of all debriefings. Keep herself in check before she said something she shouldn't.

But she doesn't want to be alone, not now with all of her thoughts suffocating her. Kodelyn felt numb, slipping off her own helmet and brushing out her hair with a hand. She trudges over to the white and red locker, pulling off pieces of armor and carefully stashing them away. Her hands are trembling enough that she's forced to slow down her normal routine. She can't find the clips and buckles that she knows by heart, vision blurring not with tears but lack of focus. Even removing her chest piece doesn't relieve her of the pressure that's haunting her chest.

"Go back and get Alenko--"

"--You know it's the right choice, LT!"

She has to take a moment, right there in her undersuit just to process. To accept that what was happening...had happened. That there was nothing she could do now. That if Johansson really was as angry as she assumed she was, then she'd have to face the music, face that look of loss that she'd only seen once before on her mother's face. And really, she deserved it. Why hadn't she sent the others over to get Ashley? Why hadn't she tried to send someone else down for Kaidan? In that moment, she finds that there were so many things that she could've done that would've guaranteed that both the Gunnery Chief and Lieutenant would've returned to the Normandy in one piece.

They were both willing to die for the cause. Willing to sacrifice so that the mission could be a success.

Kirrahe and his men had gone down with Ashley. So now, not only had she lost a skilled soldier, the last of the 212th, she'd also lost an entire squad of Salarian STG soldiers under her command.

While she yanked off her undersuit in her quarters, she looks in the mirror that hangs just off kilter on the wall, blinking once and then twice at the subdued mahogany irises with the darkness of insomnia underneath them. One hell of a Commander that she was. The wheels had come off that mission before she knew what was happening. She knew she should've sent Wrex with Tali ahead of them. Had been on the tip of her tongue when Tali had called in with an update of the situation from the CIC and that Private Petrakis had gone down to a Geth Prime. But no, she'd declined because she didn't want to unnecessarily sacrifice their lives in favor of their own. She'd sent both her and Corporal Johansson back to deal with her wounds.

Pulling on her fatigues, she tries to justify the decisions. Knowing everyone would want answers, knowing she's going to have to face the entire squad with those words, having to look at Lieutenant Alenko -- Kaidan, and find if she really hadn't broken every reg in the book to go and save him.

The bomb had been important. It needed to go off, or the whole mission was doomed and they'd sacrificed Salarian lives for nothing. That they'd just nearly lost their lives for absolutely nothing. She wouldn't have sent Wrex and Tali and her stead, even with Ashley covering for them they'd still be dug in anyway. There were no promises that Joker would've been there for both sets of squads. She could've costed them the Normandy if she'd taken too long. The bet was in her favor for saving Kaidan.

She should've saved Ashley. If for just a moment, she could forget about the budding relationship between her and the Lieutenant, the strategic decision would've been to go back for the Gunnery Chief. The bomb had been described to her as impossible to shut off once started, and the Salarian Councilor would surely have less curt words for her once she flicked on the Godforsaken FTL comms after this meeting. Ashley was younger, yes, but still a force to be reckoned with. Kaidan had the seniority, but what did that mean if the Alliance cut ties with the Salarians?

Sacrifice. They'd warned her that she'd need to be able to do it, need to be able to make the hard decisions in the face of adversity. She'd said she could, said she was willing to hunt Saren down no matter the cost. To bring him to justice, and end his reign of terror.

So why was she here, unable to breathe and the room spinning around her like a ferris wheel? Unable to get those confused and wounded hazel eyes of the Lieutenant out of her head, unable to stop hearing Ashley's desperate voice out of her ears?

Once this mission is over with, she'd have to tell Anderson. Have to tell her father figure that she'd broken a regulation, and it costed them a whole soldier. She'd probably be reassigned from the Normandy, or in the worst case, that the Lieutenant would be. Demoted for fraternization, a black mark on her otherwise clean record. She'd never stop agonizing over it, and facing her mother and stepfather with those actions behind her.

A headache is starting to form just behind her eyes.

"Commander, the squad's in the comm room," Joker's voice comes over the room's comms as she pushes a hair band onto her wrist. She looks like a dead woman with her hair down around her shoulders, frizzed at the ends. Scars criss-crossing over her face, bruises from where a krogan had gotten much too close and got a nice hit in with his shotgun before Liara sent him flying. She doesn't think she's ever had her hair down around the crew before, but with how she was picking up the pace to just fasten her fatigues back on doesn't leave her with a choice. If she stayed up here any longer they'd think she was stalling, "Just uh, letting you know ma'am, in case you needed time to yourself after...everything. Want me to recall them for later?"

"No. No, I can handle this now."

Can she?

Can she really go down there, look into the impossibly indigo eyes of Corporal Annika Johansson and tell her that she'd sacrificed her friend, maybe even her girlfriend not because she was selfish and had kept Kaidan around just to quell her need for acception, but instead because it was a tactical decision?

"Thanks anyway, Joker." She says, grateful that Joker hasn't started trying to dig into her for her decision. He's probably just as upset, Ashley had gotten close to just about everyone on the crew. He simply makes a noise of understanding, before the comm clicks off and leaves her in silence. Pressing the button to open her door, she pushes her gaze up from the floor. She couldn't say she had any pride over this decision, but it was better than coming off guilty and worn down. Or, she hopes it is.

Climbing the stairs and firmly keeping her eyes off the station just outside her room, her thoughts fade to static. What was the appropriate response here? Lay out the facts first, right? Debrief, explain herself if she had to. Quell a mutiny. Wasn't the first time, but she supposed it wouldn't be the last either. She was sure this would split the squad in half over a matter of opinions, or maybe they'd all be against her. Who really knew?

Kodelyn doesn't even realize she's there until she's tapping the door open. Until the silence is ground into her as she strides inside, before turning to her squadmates.

Ashley's chair is empty. Annika sits beside it on one side, Kaidan on the other closest to her. Liara's eyes are downcast, Garrus' visor is off for once, and Wrex has the same unreadable expression as always. Briony has chosen to stand, instead leaning against the railing with her eyes pinned just beyond Kodelyn. She has bandages wrapped around her head, another around her left bicep. That gives her solace, that she managed to pull Briony out of the fire before things got past the point of Chakwas being able to do anything about it.

She can see the light corona of blue flickering in and out around Corporal Johansson's lithe form. Like the beginning embers of flames, they lick her pale, scarred skin, her lavender eyes mixing with the blue of biotics. She's trying to keep her powers from flaring, but it isn't being held back as well as she thinks.

"I…I can’t believe that Ash didn’t make it. How could we just leave her down there?" The lieutenant questions, as Annika shifts in her seat, fully forward with her head on her hands and her elbows on her knees. Expecting an answer. The hurt inflected in Kaidan's question shakes her to her core, but after a moment she allows herself to meet his eyes. This was real. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a nightmare. Ash really was gone, and giving voice to those words that she'd thought as she raced back towards the bomb site only made it all the more shocking to her system.

"Williams knew the risks going in. She gave her life to save the rest of us." Kodelyn answers, firm but quiet enough that she can see Private Petrakis straining to hear her in the dead silent room. Should she speak any louder, she's not sure she'd still sound like herself. She swallows down a lump in her throat, crossing her arms over each other just to give herself a sense of stability.

This is why there were fraternization regs. So you weren't choosing between your lover and a good soldier. So there was no hesitation in the field if it did come down to a decision like this. Guilt over the unlucky party was natural, but there was no indescribable feeling like there was now, choking her, punching her in the gut as she tried to focus on the people around her.

Her hands are shaking.

"But why me? Why not her?" He asks, his voice cracking just so. Had they been alone, had they been anywhere else, she would've wanted to hug him, say anything, do anything to quell that pain in his voice. But they're not, and there are rules and regulations that she's already left behind her because of this.

Because I care about you, she desperately wants to admit, because I don't know what I'd do with myself if I knew I was the reason that you weren't going home to Vancouver.

"I’m sorry, Kaidan. I’d never leave you behind. I couldn’t. You know that."

She's already pushing boundaries here with her choice of words, and one of Liara's artificial eyebrows raises out of the corner of her eye. Maybe in surprise, maybe in confusion. Annika actually does flare for a moment, quick enough that if Kodelyn had blinked in that moment she would've missed the flames rising off her. Kaidan's mouth falls open for a moment, then snaps close. Organizing his thoughts, she's sure.

"I know. And I am grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us." He responds, knowing full well what he means. Or at least, what she hopes he means. She should be happy, being referred to as part of an us. Being part of anything at all, really. But instead the stone in her empty stomach weighs more than it did before she walked inside. It was because of this us that she'd chosen wrong. That the Williams family wouldn't be seeing their daughter ever again, that her three younger sisters would no longer have her to look up to.

Wasn't Sarah set to graduate this year?

"It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. The only one to blame here is Saren." She answers solemnly. It's quiet for a moment. For a moment she believes she's done it right, believes that she's not only comforted Kaidan to the best of her ability, but also quelled anyone's doubts, before a chair scrapes across the ground of the debriefing room.

She raises her head to the pale form of Annika Johansson.

The woman stands only a half an inch shorter than her, but with enough muscle to compensate considerably. Eye to eye with blazing blue eyes as she feels energy spark against her skin that she attempts not to flinch from, the shock of electricity that runs up her spine. She'd never seen a biotic that didn't intend to kill her this close before save for Kaidan, and if she wasn't trying to keep from bawling like a baby in front of her squad, she think it was beautiful. The supernova of blue and white that raises hairs on her arms, one that had probably nearly killed her a few times.

She doesn't know whether Johansson intends to kill her or not. Personally, she isn't sure if she wants to stick around and find out either.

"Shepard, I would follow you to hell and back but what the hell were you thinking back on Virmire?" Her voice is deep, rough, scratchy with what she assumes is unshed tears, "Where was the strategist I met on Feros? The one who would've gone back for Chief Williams -- for Ashley? When did she die?!"

"I made the choice that strategically sound at that moment, Corporal," She steadies her voice, or tries to, "I made the decision that would guarantee that the mission would succeed. If I could've saved the Chief, I would have. But sacrificing more lives for one would've put us at the tactical disadvantage."

"Bullshit!" Johansson's hands ball at her sides into fists, as if she's not entirely sure what to with them. Surely even in her heightened emotional state, she remembers that violence against her CO wasn't going to get her anywhere. That at least keeps her heart from jumping out of her chest as Johansson grows closer, "You think we're all blind don't you? As if you can keep playing this game of fantasy and break the regulations you deem as fair game!"

"Johansson." She states warningly, but the recoil in Johansson's expression never comes like it should've. Kodelyn wants to pull rank, wants to put her in her place, but if she doesn't deal with this now, doesn't hear out her own squad, then was she any better than anyone else they were fighting these days? She had to be the bigger person, and if that meant hearing her own thoughts come back at her, then so be it, "I made the decision. The bomb needed to go off, and I went back for the Lieutenant because we needed to secure it. Had we not, we would've sacrificed the STG's squad's lives for nothing."

"You--" Johansson's eyes narrow, pressing an electric finger to her chest roughly, "--just wanted to screw Alenko a few more times before all this was over! You pretended as if you could just play God for a couple more days, as if you'd pulled the wool over our eyes. News flash! Ashley was a person too, and she deserved to live just as much as your precious Lieutenant, if not more!"

Kodelyn lets that sink in. So that meant that they knew, or at least Johansson did. About what? She didn't have anything to hide, and neither did Kaidan. Hell, she couldn't even classify this as a real relationship, and going as far to accuse her of only keeping Kaidan around because she liked the way he looked? She bites her tongue to keep from snapping entirely. Before he was anything else, he was a capable L2 sentinel, and a friend. Anything more, and that was when you became delusional. She knew better than the assume where she stood with someone.

She pulls herself back together.

"My personal relationships, if they existed or otherwise, did not factor into my decision, Johansson. I've stated my case, and my friendship with the Lieutenant did not affect it." Her voice wavers at the admission, and selfishly wonders if that confession would affect this back and forth, never concrete relationship with Alenko. He'd always said to leave herself a way out, and she's really hoping that she hadn't just given him another one, "Ashley was a damn fine soldier and that decision wasn't made lightly."

Johansson is literally shaking, she can see her blonde hair flying as her grimace turns into an ill-timed smile, a chuckle escaping her, "Everything's just perfect for you, isn't it Commander? Damn peachy, huh? A family supporting every decision you've ever made, a Captain watching your back, damn Spectre status, commanding the first stealth-recon ship of it's kind and a biotic boyfriend to back you up? Really, Shepard. You didn't even think about the people you were tearing Chief Williams -- Ash away from, did you? Didn't even think about the people who cared about her, about the people who would grieve for her until the end of their days, about the people who lost the one thing still tying them to this damn galaxy, did you?"

Kodelyn is beginning to see the cracks in her resolve. It hits her like a brick, Johansson had no family left in the galaxy, and after Akuze, no prior squadmates either. She had lost everything before the SR-1, and now losing Ashley, however close they were, shattered her entirely. She still has her concerns that the vanguard might biotically punch her into next week, but she stays firm in front of her, "Ash was my friend too Johansson, just as much as anyone else in this room. Had I been able to spare the men to do it, you'd better believe she'd be in here with us. But because of her, we don't have cloned Krogan on our asses now, and Saren's been taken down a peg because of it."

"We lost both her and an STG squad because of it. You knew that bomb was going off either way, you just didn't want your Alenko in the center of it. The hell is your moral compass, Shepard? Do you have any idea how much she meant to her family, to the crew? To us? To me? Do you know who the hell you sacrificed just so you could have him of all people back in the comm room?"

Kodelyn doesn't dare meet Kaidan's eyes from where she can feel them burning into her side. Everyone is waiting on an answer, and she has to really think for a moment before she answers anyone. Johansson might've just exposed herself to being more than just friends with Ashley, but she's not willing to pull out her big book of regulations to put her down, nor does she wants to sow the seeds of dissent in the ranks with any pissed off response. Instead, she pulls her hand from where it had been crossed over her chest and gently places it on her shoulder. It burns like a bitch for a moment until she manages to find her words, "I get it. She meant a lot to you, Johansson. I don't think I ever saw the two of you without the other down in the cargo bay. I get it. And I'm sorry I couldn't bring her back for you. If you don't think this is going to haunt me until the day I stop breathing, then you're dead wrong. I don't ever make a habit of losing soldiers under my command and Saren is going to pay for her. You ask me whether I know how much she meant to her family...damn it, Johansson, I'm going to have to call them and tell them that I'm the reason she won't be back for shore leave this year. I'm going to have to tell Sarah, Lynn and Abby that I'm the reason their sister won't be back for Christmas. So yes, I have an inkling of what she was to the people around her."

Annika's eyes still smolder with blue, but her form falls from a defensive position to one of acception. Mission accomplished then, and without her knocking her shoulder back into place (Kodelyn makes a mental note to visit Chakwas once she dealt with the Council). Kodelyn softens her voice, not willing to raise her frustration any further, "I'm sorry I couldn't do more. And I'm sorry we're down a soldier and a friend. But channel that anger towards Saren instead of me, if you can. He's the real reason we're missing our Gunnery Chief Williams."

She deflates. Kodelyn stops feeling shocks of lightning up and down her fingertips once she does, and Johansson steps away from her, gaze averted. Addressing the rest of the room, "Dismissed. We'll be on the Citadel in a couple hours, you need me, you know where to find me."

Johansson is gone as soon as the order is given. Petrakis follows silently, though there's a limp in her step as she makes her way towards the doors. Liara moves to help her, with Garrus and Wrex on her heels. She leans back against the FTL comm system, careful not to bring up the interface and rubs at her temples. A headache is pulsing at the back of her eyes, and she figures this day isn't done with her yet. Her hair falls forward as she pulls it up into a ponytail, immediately hyperaware that Kaidan hasn't moved from his seat on her right. If she was going to take a guess, all the stress of Virmire not to mention they'd been out for most of the day was going to bring on a migraine. A part of her wants to talk about this -- about them, but she can't find the words now. Can't even think of bringing that idea back to the table considering their current situation.

She doesn't have to, as he stands first, "Ma'am--Shepard?"

"Go ahead, Lieutenant." She says, raising her eyes to his. All the fight has spilled out of her into the comm room, and she doesn't want to alienate him anymore than she already has. She'd been so blind, thinking no one else would be any the wiser. Hell, he practically haunted that terminal outside her room, and she allowed it. Anyone could've overheard their conversations in the mess, and now it was coming back to bite her in the ass. She knew all of this was too good to be true, and it'd gotten Ashley killed. Had probably earned her a one way ticket off the Normandy while she was at it. Nothing came without a price, and here was her invoice.

"I--thank you. For saving my life," He states. He seems conflicted for a moment, unsure of how to continue, his voice dropping to just above a whisper, "Shepard, you did all you could. Anything short of a miracle in the form of the Alliance's warships over the planet couldn't have saved her."

"I'd like to think that, Alenko. But then there's reality. Should've sent Tali, Wrex and Johansson ahead to get her." She answers. He's close enough that she can see the scars that he'd earned recently. One of which is on his jaw, and she winces, "There are so many things I could've done, so many things I should've done that I didn't in that split second. Johansson was right, the strategist in me died on Feros."

"Don't let the what-ifs drag you down, ma'am. Because of you, Saren's facility on Virmire is done for. There won't be any Krogan fighting for him when we finish him off," He responds, "Maybe this wasn't a picture perfect victory, but you did something they deemed impossible."

"Saren is getting the ass-beating of the millenia when I find him for Jenkins, Nihlus and Williams," She responds coldly, before turning from his form to flicker on the comm interface, "Do you need anything else, Alenko? I'm sure the Council wants to talk about this colossal failure of a mission before we land and they do it in person with an audience."

He's quiet for just a moment, "Thank you, for defending me against Johansson. I know you wouldn't let...this, get in the way of a mission, ma'am. If it means anything at all, I think you made the right decision," Again he pauses, double taking on his words, "I mean, sorry Shepard, that sounded selfish."

"No, no it didn't, Alenko. And thank you," She turns over her shoulder, offering a gentle smile. To think he thought that he was being selfish, just for being grateful that he lived to fight another day, "For not giving up on me."

"You're welcome, ma'am. You know where to find me if you want to talk, about anything." His voice softens further, and she's not sure what to say. Instead, she nods as the door closes behind him with a satisfying thunk.

She watches him leave. She straightens her fatigues and brushes her loose hair back as she cracks her jaws. Three of the biggest annoyances in her career thus far come onto the vid, and she puts on a neutral face to receive their thoughts on the mission, "Commander Shepard--"

-

It may be purely out of habit but I do the starting missions in this order: Therum > Feros > Noveria. Private Briony Petrakis was recruited on Noveria. Corporal Annika Johansson was recruited on Feros. Their profiles are both on my tumblr. She and Ashley were mid-relationship when Virmire hit, same as Kodelyn and Kaidan.

This story is also just something I had floating around my head for a bit. There is some shenko at the end if you squint, but I mostly wanted to introduce Annika. And Shepard's interaction with her after Virmire was a little heartwrenching to write. This is tied to the 'Eye of the Storm' verse and there will be more stories included.

[just-castlevania-imagines]

like the lights of our home in the night, my love for you

You feel marble clicking against your soles, and hear the sound of your steps bouncing off the walls in the comfortable silence that's settled between you and Adrian as you walk together through the castle halls. It'd feel normal, if not for the fact that the dhampir had you blindfolded. (Honestly you figured this might possibly come up at some point, but not outside the bedroom.)

"Can I *see* yet, Adrian?" you ask, free hand tugging at the knot tied 'round the back of your head for purchase.

"I'll have you know that I worked very hard on this," he chides through his quiet laughter. "I would very much like for you to actually be surprised by it. Be patient for me, please?" Despite his words sounding like he's teasing, you know he's genuinely looking forward to this surprise--this little game of his began as soon as you came home, after all.

You give his hand a little squeeze. "All right, then. I'll be patient."

Adrian squeezes your hand back. "Thank you," he sighs, sounding placated. "By the way, there are stairs here."

"Huh?" You don't heed his warning fast enough, and when you trip, you stumble forward into a pair of firm, warm arms, to which you cling as you find your footing on the carpeted steps. At least now you know you're still in the castle.

"Watch your step.”

You ball your free hand into a fist and very gently bump his chest, not knowing your vision to know exactly what sort of slightly-smug, very-fond expression he’s making right now. You can’t find it in you to be mad when you hear the sound of affectionate laughter under his breath, so you decide to continue letting him lead you around, righting yourself on the stairs and grasping at air until your palm finds the railing.

After a bit more walking (without any falling over this time), he lets go of you and you bump into his back in the same breath as a door clicks and creaks open. Now you hear the wind gently rustling the trees somewhere in the distance. A little farther off, you think you hear the sound of birds chirping, flapping their wings; the sound of it carried on the breeze that chills your neck.

A shiver runs up your spine, not having prepared for the cold. You note that your footfalls still resound in your ears--though the echo is gone now that you’re outside. Adrian laughs a little more. "Hmm... right here will do."

"Here?" Your eyes widen under the blindfold.

His hum is contemplative as he places his hands on your shoulders, moving you just a step or two to the left. “Okay, yes. Here.”

You pull at the knot, and the cloth comes loose in your hand.

The crescent moon shines brightly and beautifully. The sight of it hung up in the clear night sky, dwarfing the stars twinkling in the distance, takes your breath away for a moment. You wonder if this is the highest balcony in the castle.

You look to your side and catch Adrian staring at you, of all things. "This is exactly the look I wanted to see on you," he says, a little breathless himself. "It's lovely--like all the stars in the world are shining right there in your eyes."

Now you feel warm. "I'm glad I was able to, uh, provide.”

Adrian seats you at a small table set closer to the railing, and as he's taking his own seat beside you, you notice a few other things--like the ornate lanterns that cast the space in a dim, intimate light, and the glass of flowers in the center of the table--"When did even you prepare all this?"

"That's a secret," he replies. "Do you like it, though?"

"I'm really surprised, and honestly it's a little sappy, but of course I do."

"Sappy?" There's a shocked, almost nervous, expression on Adrian's face at this.

"N-Not in a bad way! I really do like it." You hurry to correct. You don't think you've ever seen him look anything even similar to nervous.

He sighs, relieved. “I wasn't sure what to do, myself; and the rest of this might be cheesy, if that was. But I'm happy as long as you are. Hold on..."

The dhampir takes a small, golden bell out of his pocket, and rings it. Suddenly you feel like you're choking on air. At the bell’s dainty chime, Trevor--dear friend, mighty warrior, the last of the prestigious Belmont line--appears in the doorway, and dressed quite respectably at that. This is another first. You glance behind him to see Sypha looking on expectantly, but also trying her best not to laugh.

You're almost too busy gawking at their sudden appearances to notice the discomfort set in Trevor’s expression, or the tray and the drinks he's carrying. Without a word, he walks in, sets the table, and turns around to walk out. Sypha hisses quietly, gesturing towards you and Adrian, and Trevor turns back around to give you a curt bow before he makes himself scarce.

Bewildered, you turn to Adrian for an explanation and see him clutching his sides, barely able to contain his own laughter. "How did you...? I can't even *imagine* how you got him to do that."

"If you don't guess it yourself, I'll tell you all about it some other time."

"Oh, please do!" you giggle in return. "Why not tell me now, though?"

"I told you to be patient, didn't I?"

"Wait, there's more that I have to be patient for...?"

"The night is young, my love." Adrian hums, and fills your glass. "For now, why don't we have dinner, like usual?”

Nothing about this was like usual, you think to yourself. Even tonight's fare is fancier than usual, you note--since when did Adrian know how to cook stuff like this, anyway? You certainly didn’t make it, despite that being the case most nights. Your lover preferred meals that were simple and healthy, made and consumed quickly. As you bite into the crisp-looking bread, served alongside a rich and filling cream soup, you realize that the bread is fresh baked, too.

Adrian himself is a little off, too, is what you think as he ties his long, fair hair back into a ponytail with practice hands (as cute as ever.). He steeples his fingers when they aren’t doing anything on the table. Though usually he’s looking at you or focusing on his food, tonight he eats very slowly, taking bites in-between staring off into the forest below the castle, or stealing glances out of the corner of his eye at the door to the castle interior, where you suppose Trevor and Sypha await.

It’s only when he notices you staring and shoots a small smile at you that you realize you’ve been staring at all.

He refills your glass when it is empty, asks you about your day, how you’ve been feeling, and tells you about his in return, and you’re a little grateful that this, at least, is according to routine. You observe the wrinkles that sometimes take shape at the ends of his eyes; the change in his demeanor; the way he smiles as he hears about the cat you’d watched sneak into the garden earlier this afternoon. There’s genuine delight playing on his features as you describe the tiny paw prints it made in the snow.

“Maybe we should leave a saucer of milk out for it,” you suggest.

“What if the milk freezes over before it gets a chance to drink it?” replies Adrian.

Hmm. “Well, maybe I can just fetch a snack for it when I see it.”

“Careful that you don’t accidentally adopt it.”

When you’ve both finished with your supper, Adrian rings the bell again, and this time both Trevor and Sypha heed its call. Trevor trades grace for speed, and clears the table in record time without a word. You look to your side at Adrian, willing him not to laugh with all your might, as Sypha sets down a tart cut into slices; the glaze on top glistening in the lamplight.

Satisfied, Sypha and Trevor make an immediate exit--the Speaker giving Adrian a quick pat on the shoulder on her way out.

When the double doors close behind them, Adrian turns back to you like it was nothing. “I had one of the bakers in town prepare something I thought you might like.”

Your eyes widen. “Since when were you on good terms with a human that wasn’t Sypha, or even Trevor?”

“Well. To be exact, Sypha picked it up for us on the way here.”

Again, you wonder--how in the world did Adrian rope Trevor into this?

The miracles this man can conjure. You idly take a bite, pausing to savor the crisp, lightly toasted texture of the crust and the sweet, honeyed berries that lay beneath. “Oh, gosh, this is really good.” You raise your hand to cover your mouth.

“It certainly looks like it is,” he laughs fondly, gaze still locked on you. “I’m glad you like it.”

“You won’t have any?”

Adrian swallows. “I think I’m feeling a little full, but thank you.”

Well, all right.

For the sake of whatever other surprises he might have in store for you, you choose to gloss over it.  The tart is small enough for you to finish by yourself, anyway, and after your friends make a short reappearance to clear the table, Adrian mutters to himself under his breath, clears his throat, turns to you, and takes your hands in his.

It hits you then: he relaxed for a little over dinner,  but he really is nervous, about something or other. “Adrian?”

“You see... my father and mother neglected to leave records of how a unique couple such as they went about this particular process.”

“Process?” It’s rare for him to mention his parents, given everything that’s happened. Also, what process?

“Yes. And, all that aside… I’m just not sure  as to how these things happen, in general. So please bear with me.” He murmurs your name, voice heavy with affection. “In... in the time we’ve spent together I’ve learned many things, but one of the most important things I’ve learned is that I love you more than anything. I want to be there for you always. I want nothing more than to be with you for as long as I can, and to fill your days with the same happiness that being with you brings to me.”

The corners of Adrian’s lips turn up in a small smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling again. His hands in yours tremble, ever so slightly. “I am a man of many faults, but this is what I wish to promise to you--not only as your lover. You might have guessed by now, but the process I was talking about earlier is, well… marriage.”

He lets out a shaky breath, eyes on you. “Will you have me as your husband?”

“...Of course.” You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Of course I will!”

You throw your arms around Adrian, feeling ten times lighter. Even as he presses his lips to yours, you can feel the smile on his face growing before he pulls away.

You’re almost so caught up in him that you don’t notice the door behind you creaking open. It’s Trevor and Sypha, wearing matching grins that you can't help but giggle at. “You two!” you point playfully at your friends from your position in your now-fiancé's arms.

Trevor raises his hands in mock surrender, a glint of mirth in his eyes. “Hey, now, don’t look at me like that. The vampire made me do it.”

“Oh, yes. How horrible I was, forcing you into the servitude of a vampire, only using Sypha’s gentle prodding and three bottles of wine from the cellar.” Adrian grins, and you finally have your answer.

“My sidekick and I are happy we could assist.” Sypha smiles, every bit the cat that caught the canary.

As the sound of your shared laughter continues to bubble and float into the night air, the happiness you feel is almost dizzying. It feels like you might float away, too, but thankfully Adrian is there to ground you, holding you tight to his chest, right where you want to be.

hello! gosh! i’ve been working on this for like, months or something! i feel like this was for a request, but i can’t find it in the box, so i just, uhh. hope you all enjoy it. //mod faerie

[qvestchen]

Lockscreen // Yuwin NCT : Chapter Six

Summary: There’s a thin line between reality and playacting, and Dong Sicheng tripped hard over it when he fell head over heels in love with Nakamoto Yuta.

Author: qvestchen

Status: Ongoing

Chapters: Home, Previous, Next.

Lockscreen // Yuwin NCT

Chapter 6: he flirts so openly

“Dong Sicheng, your biggest competition is about to come.”

Winwin twisted and turned in his bed.

He was lost in a maze that was a zoo and everywhere he went someone was chasing him. There were lights on him, he was on a stage and the audience were chanting. They all sounded like Haechan. His face was wet and the floor was heavy around his legs. He tried to run away but he was in a swamp, sinking slowly.

Haechan appeared before him just as he was neck-deep in the swamp. Only he morphed into Yuta who was crying and then Taeil who was crying and then Haechan who said, “Dong Sicheng, your biggest competition is coming.” Then their manager, “Hello? Where were you for our debut? You’re late. The debut was two hours ago. You missed it.” Kun was crying now.

Then Yuta shouting his name.

He opened his eyes and swallowed, disoriented and the ceiling of his bedroom swimming before his eyes. He sat up quickly, relief flooding through his veins after realizing it had all been a dream.

“Winwin, are you okay?”

He looked up at Yuta who had woken him up. Yuta’s hand was cool against his sweaty, warm forehead. Suddenly Winwin realized he was shirtless in bed and Yuta was too close. That and images from last night cleared away the remnants of the dream from his mind. He pushed Yuta’s hand away slowly.

He was red when he answered, “Just a dream. I’m okay.”

Yuta nodded.

The front door bell rang across the dorm and Winwin was experiencing the change in Yuta’s facial expression first-hand. Yuta had begun to wear a tired expression lately, as if he was clenching everything inside his chest. And suddenly Yuta’s face looked as if the sun had shined suddenly from beyond the clouds. He smiled, looking in the direction of the sound, and without a word practically ran out of the room leaving Winwin in middle of what could have been a conversation.

Winwin frowned and pulling on a t-shirt quickly followed him, wondering what was up with his roommate (had he ordered something?). The living room was in an uproar. He caught sight of Johnny, Taeyong and Taeil just chatting loudly and laughing in a circle and at the center, with Yuta laughing and clinging on to his arms, stood Hansol.

He felt Haechan and Mark run past him and hug the tall boy who was smiling so warmly at everyone. How-have-you-beens were exchanged and Doyoung was telling everyone to at least let the poor guy have a seat first while Johnny was phoning Ten to come over. Everything was perfect.

When Haechan had told Winwin his biggest competition was coming, Winwin’s first thought had been that Haechan and the Ouija board were a load of bull. His second thought at a weaker instant had been that it had to be a Chinese group that could affect WayV’s debut. Nowhere had it occurred to him that it could be a person who could walk into his life and cause something even remotely akin to the disaster that he was feeling at the sight of Yuta practically glued to that person.

He greeted Hansol who hugged him and asked how things were. Winwin was on auto-pilot. He gave all the correct replies, hoping they didn’t sound as thick to the others’ ears as the words felt on his tongue. His eyes never left Yuta, Yuta who was smiling uncontrollably, who was talking as loudly as Haechan, whose eyes were shining and whose gaze never left Hansol.

In his most pathetic moments, Winwin had felt a twinge of jealousy at the way Yuta was so comfortable with Taeyong and Johnny but he had always known that they were all close friends. He had often even laughed at Jaehyun who used to get jealous when Taeyong spent time with Jonghyun or Seungcheol. He hadn’t thought he would ever “stoop to that level, Jaehyun” but right now, he felt like he could crawl into a little hole and cry.

Sure, there had never been any relationship of that sort between Yuta and himself but right now he felt so replaced. It was only then that he realized something.

Despite all his doubts and insecurities, Yuta did behave special with him. He closed his eyes and he could picture it. Yuta woke him up most days in the softest voice, he always did Winwin’s laundry when he was doing his own, he helped Winwin with Korean without ever expecting anything in return, he tried to learn Chinese for him, he cheered him on for all his performances as well as for WayV, he calmed him down whenever he was nervous, he always knew if something was off, he never held a grudge when they argued, he always asked him if he ate and took him out for food, he told him to sleep and sometimes he nagged awfully but right now, Winwin, who was hit with this flood of a realization, missed even that.

He looked at his group of friends and everything was the same as it always was at breakfast. Everyone was behaving the same. Hansol didn’t even stick out as he explained, “I had a day off and I just had to come over to see you all. It’s been ages since we met for a meal. Oh right, wait, I brought cake and ice-cream.”

Winwin had always liked Hansol hyung who was kind and caring and he knew nothing had changed in Hansol either.

He knew what had changed. He stared at Yuta who was sitting opposite him, conversing nineteen a dozen with Hansol. Winwin was, extraordinarily today, invisible to Yuta. And it hurt to realize that.

He ate his breakfast mournfully ignoring Jaehyun’s concerned but knowing looks. All he could do was stare openly at Yuta. Thanks to this, he was able to spot when Yuta’s plate was empty. He placed toast on it and nearly cried out in frustration when Yuta didn’t even glance in his direction.

He cited practice as his excuse before retreating to his room from where he emerged in record time to announce he was leaving.

Ten turned to Johnny. “What practice? I was pretty sure all of WayV had a free schedule today.”

“It’s probably some solo stuff, then.”

It was only afterwards that Yuta and Hansol found themselves alone in Yuta’s room.

“So…” Hansol started.

Yuta hugged him affectionately. “I can’t believe you actually came. Thank you for coming.”

Hansol rolled his eyes. “My best friend keeps destroying my beauty sleep every night. I knew I had to come.”

“Aren’t you really busy right now? I’m sorry for troubling you so much that you had to come on a hard-earned holiday.” Yuta said, looking guilty.

“Oi, stop being so formal.” Hansol punched his shoulder playfully.

Yuta brightened up. “But I’m really happy you came. I feel like everything is going to be fine now.”

“Of course, it is. Tell me everything and we’ll figure out a foolproof plan for you.”

“You remember how I was going to tell him after practice that day?” Yuta said, his smile fading.

Yuta watched as the members began to leave from the practice room. His left foot was tapping continuously. Okay, he would tell him. He took a deep breath.

He opened his mouth.

“Yo, Yuta hyung, are you coming? We’re going to get pizza,” Mark said, Haechan already tugging at his sleeve.

“I, uh, I guess not really,” Yuta said, laughing awkwardly. “You go on.”

It was now just Winwin and Johnny in the practice room. He waited wondering if he would be able to catch Winwin in the room last or he would have to follow him outside.

Johnny went on practicing and with a quick nod in his direction, Winwin finished packing his bag and went out.

“Don’t overdo it,” Yuta called out quickly to Johnny before following him outside.

He caught sight of Winwin near the elevator. “Winwin-ah.”

The latter turned around at hearing his name and raised an eyebrow. “Yuta hyung.”

“Hey, uh, well,” Yuta wanted to curse himself for being so nervous, “I was wondering…uh, are you hungry?” He cringed internally. He was so bad at this. Despite telling himself that the worse that could happen after his confession was that Winwin would reject him and cut off ties with him only for Yuta to die single and regretful in old age, he was feeling all of his little bravery ebbing away.

Winwin frowned. “Why?”

“We could grab a pizza,” Yuta offered with a quick smile. Please say yes, please say yes.

“You should have gone with Mark and Haechan then. Should I call them? I’m sure you could catch them if you made a run for it.”

Yuta sighed. “Ah, I meant pasta? Noodles? We could get some dessert too? I don’t know. You pick.”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“A walk, then?” Yuta was getting desperate. He had plans and they were all coming to nought.

It was Winwin’s turn to sigh now. “Some other day. I’m just going to turn in.”

“C’mon, we both know you’re going to stay up late playing games anyway. Let’s goooo.” Yuta looked down. “I have something to tell you.”

Winwin looked at him suspiciously. “What is it?”

“It’s—I’ll tell you over dinner. It’s something we need to talk over. C’mon, please, please?”

The elevator opened. Winwin ducked his head, ignoring Yuta, and walked inside. He punched a button. “Please take the next one. I’d like to be alone.”

Yuta stood gaping at him. He let the elevator go.

He told himself, despite being utterly confused by the curt behaviour, that it was okay. He told himself he had to walk away from the elevator before someone saw him break down. He told himself he would let go, that this was it with Winwin, that this was the final hint he had been waiting for, that this was a sinking ship and he had to swim away.

He was trudging down the stairs intent on taking the long way down so that he wouldn’t have to see any of his members. He stopped and sat on the stairs after a floor. I’m okay, this is fine, he told himself, wiping a stray tear. I should be happy I didn’t get to make a fool of myself by telling him I like him. This was disaster averted.

Then why did it hurt so much?

He needed to distract himself. He called Hansol. It went to voice mail.

He called Taeyong. It went to voice mail.

He called Johnny. It went to voice mail.

His message inbox was empty except for a message from their manager, “Hey, I’m scheduling a VLIVE of you and Winwin. Is Friday okay? Drag him along too, kiddo isn’t listening to me.”

Of course, he wouldn’t. Judging by what had just happened a VLIVE was one of the last things Winwin would agree to do with him.

He didn’t reply. Instead he stared at his phone until the screen lit up with a new message.

Taeyongie: hey, you called? *>*

I’m out with jaehyunie

Wanna join us for dinner?

Yuta: called you by mistake

Dw enjoy dinner

Taeyongie: I’m sending you the location

Come on :))

Yuta: I already ate

Don’t worry

I’m going to sleep, don’t disturb, okay?

Taeyongie: sure?

Lemme know if you change your mind

Until then, good night, Yuta-kun <3

It was all pretty hazy after that. He remembered buying some beer and weakly flinging empty cans at a caricature he had made on a fence (which suspiciously resembled an manga version of Winwin), he remembered being hauled by Johnny back to the dorm, remembered Johnny crying, remembered crying himself, remembered being sick in the bathroom, remembered Winwin appearing, watching a movie he wasn’t paying attention to and sleeping and dreaming, dreaming of soft hands caressing his hair, remembered telling himself with a smile, even within the dream, that it was a dream.

“The next morning,” Yuta told Hansol, “he behaved like nothing had happened. So, of course, I had to behave like nothing had happened either. Just goes to show how little he cares for me while I basically…”

“Yuta,” Hansol said, softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

Yuta shook his head, telling him it was fine. “But get this, last night, out of the blue he asked me what I think of him? No warnings, no hints, nothing. I freaked out so bad” He put his head in his hands. “I’m such a coward. I wish I had Taeil hyung’s guts. He flirts so openly.”

“What did you tell him then?”

“Nothing. Long story short, I think he still hates me but was just checking to make sure.”

Hansol made a face. “First of all, Winwinie doesn’t hate you or anyone else. He’s a softie. Secondly, you’re going to give me stress if you behave like this. Just come clean like I told you. He deserves to know just like you deserve to say it. What happens next isn’t in your hands. But what can happen right now is.” He ignored Yuta’s alarmed expression. “Now, here’s what you are going to—” He broke off abruptly as the bedroom door opened.

When Winwin had returned home after his self-imposed exile from the dorm, he had decided he would head up to his room and just stay there until his feelings sorted themselves out. He would call Jaehyun and Ten and tell them everything over a tub of ice-cream and just ask for advice.

He let himself into the dorm which was quieter than usual with everyone probably resting on the day off. He climbed upstairs and opened his bedroom door. The sight in front of him did nothing but worsen the mess that were his feelings.

He watched as Yuta and Hansol broke off from whatever they were talking about and Winwin wasn’t a fool to not know that it was definitely about him. His thoughts went back to his question to Yuta last night and his face flamed with embarrassment at imagining both of them laughing at his expense.

“Oh, Winwinie. Hansol was just leaving. Come on in,” Yuta said in an overly bright voice. He got up from where he was sitting with Hansol, pulling him along too. “You’re late, right?” he asked pointedly.

Hansol looked between the two of them and nodded quickly. “Yeah, I’m leaving. No need to see me to the door. Goodbye, Yuta, Winwin.” He walked to the bedroom door. “Oh, Winwin-ah, I brought some cookies for you. They’re by your bed.” He got a glare from Yuta. “Alright, I’m off then.”

Winwin closed his eyes, steading his breath as the door closed leaving just Yuta and him in the room now.

“Why did you tell him to leave?” he said with gritted teeth, anger evident in his expression.

So, tonight was going to be it, a small voice whispered in his head. Everything had been building up to this. The night where they finally fought it out, the night that would destroy the fine balance they had both achieved by leaving everything unsaid, the night where they stopped pretending. He knew they would never be the same after this because this was where it ended, without ever having really begun. He wanted to take all of the hurt inside his heart and turn it into fuel for this night.

oh my god! a lot of stuff happened in this chapter...where do we begin? YES IT WAS HANSOL and he got someone jealous lol the whole yuwin situation is a mess right now...they better sort it out soon ugh.

you got the background to the whole yuta-johnny scene that occurred in the last fic, ten past six. (yayyy we successfully connected it!) do you have any idea why winwin turned down yuta's suggestion to go and have dinner together? we need explanations! (don't worry, you'll get them!)

this update also showed us how winwin feels which is rare because he tends to just bottle everything up...my poor boy :( someone tell yuwin communicating their feelings is vital here.

also what did you feel about the chapter? did you like hansol's cameo? the next chapter is going to be good so hold tight.

hope you enjoyed the update! thank you so much for reading and supporting!

love, positive vibes and foolproof plans~~

[fanfic-scribbles]

Put A Ring On It

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Summary: You find out the hard way that, even while wearing bells, two master assassins are too much for you.

Quick facts: Romance – [established] Natasha Romanoff/Bucky Barnes/Reader – Nondescript Reader

Prompt: Bells + Ribbon

Warnings: Fluff fluff fluff, itty bit of innuendo at the end

Words: 797

A/N: The title is a liiiittle misleading, but I couldn’t pass up that pun. Anyways; please enjoy this little drabble. I’ll catch you later in the week with a little blog update, so to those that celebrate it: Merry Christmas! And to those who don’t: Happy Tuesday!

   ‘Jingle.’

You turn quickly but see nothing. You huff and go back to the bag of groceries you’re unpacki-

The jingling reaches your ears just as hands slide over your shoulders and you yelp.

“Hey sugar,” Bucky chuckles and kisses your head as he hugs you from behind. “Did I scare you?”

“Did you–” You turn so you can glare at him properly. “You know, it defeats the purpose of your joke when you hold the bell until you get up to me.”

Bucky puts his hands up and step-slides away. The bell on a ribbon around his neck, which sometimes jingles when he breathes, doesn’t make a single sound.

You stare at it. “How did you do that?”

Bucky smirks and, again, you get almost no warning before arms slip around your middle. In fact, you think you hear the bell jingle after Natasha is snuggled into your back.

“How are you, lover?” she asks in a way that conveys the smile you can’t see but know exists.

“Fine. For having two mean partners,” you say flatly.

“We’re just trying to help you.”

“You two are trying to–” You spin but Natasha is gone. The room is so silent that you turn back and– yes, Bucky is gone too. Both with nary a single sound. “Wh- B- oh, fuck you!”

You storm off to your bedroom– thankfully empty– but you call back, “For the record, it was mostly a joke!” and you slam the door to the sound of two super assassins super laughing at you.

The bells ring with them.

Look. It’s no one’s fault that Bucky and Natasha can sneak up on you. They’re two spies and count among the best of the best. You are…just a person. Perhaps a space-y person, sometimes. It’s completely natural they can sneak up on you, and normally it isn’t a problem. Natasha is eternally amused by how little effort she has to make to surprise you, and Bucky loves to sneak up and give affection. It’s not only not a problem– it’s nice.

Except, given the time of year, you’ve been a little stressed, and so when you sarcastically suggested they should wear bells so you could hear them coming you were maybe a little curt. You didn’t really expect them to dig into the Christmas decorations and fashion themselves collars out of bells and ribbons, but, well.

You’ve been suffering ever since.

“Hasn’t it only been a week?”

You glare at Sam but he doesn’t stop smiling. You’re pretty sure he hasn’t stopped smiling since you first confessed your woes to him. Considering he was Natasha’s friend first, you really should have expected this. Still, you ask, “Whose side are you on?”

“I am Switzerland,” he says and opens his arms, just barely missing his coffee cup. “Also, I’m pretty sure I asked you if you knew what you were getting into with those two.” You frown but he shakes his head. “Not like that. Just– their lives revolve around being sneaky.”

“Oh; that.” You wave a hand. “I don’t really care about that. You know me– a bus could sneak up on me. I didn’t even know Bucky liked me until he actually kissed me.” And then he and Natasha had spent almost an hour telling you all the ways Bucky had been flirting with you. For a month. Honestly, you sort of expect, even anticipate, this sort of nonsense by now. It’s just– “It’s the bells. They make them make noise regularly enough that it’s driving me crazy.”

Sam, of course, laughs.

Everyone you love is dead to you.

Jingle.

Jangle.

Your hands grip your book so hard the front and back covers creak from the strain.

Ring ring ring.

You shove your face so far into the page you can no longer read the print.

Tin tin tin tin tin tin ti-

“OKAY!” You're on your feet before you know it. Bucky and Natasha are suddenly there too, the former looking mildly concerned, so you decide to get it all over with. “I get it! The bells don’t work; you are sneaky and I am oblivious, I get it. Can we please, please stop the object lesson already?”

Bucky grins and Natasha smirks, but they both take off the little chokers and drop the bells to the floor. You barely get the chance to experience actual relief when Natasha takes her ribbon, loops it behind your neck, and pulls you in for an intense kiss that, in the end, leaves you gasping while she licks her lips.

“Now that we’ve had fun with bells…” She trails the silk around your neck. “Let’s find out how much fun we can have with ribbon.”

Unsurprisingly, you have no complaints about that.

[actuallyspencerreid]

Survivor | part 3

Read : Part 1 , Part 2

Word Count: 1.8k

Tags: @the-unfortunate-fangirl @cynbx @princesswagger15 @obsessivereader36 @hearts-to-the-sky @mantlereid @dreamxcollide @qu3n-elizab3th @hiya-imthatgirl @literallyprentissstwin @bauboywonder @everyday-imfangirling @spencerreidreads @alixcharmedworld @writer-of-camelot @grubler @10kcriminalsatthedisco @extremeobsessions101 @staygoldeea @sarrahgoode @spideysstarks @spence-imagines @hanasonly @mbmrocks

------

“Why does it matter to you what Spencer and I were arguing about?”

The unsub laughed at your firm voice. “Simple. You and Mr. Perfect never argue about anything. Sounds like he thinks you're cheating on him. Are you?”

“Never.” You wanted to cry again, thinking about the fight you’d had with Spencer. “I love Spencer more than anything. I could never hurt him like that.”

“That’s why I love you, (Y/N).” The unsub sighed almost dreamily. “You’re so fiercely loyal.”

“If you love me so much, why am I tied up?”

“Because I have to teach you how to love me back.” The belt came across your legs again and you cried out in pain. “Luckily, I know that you’re a good learner.”

------

“Guys!” Everyone looked up at Penelope from what they were doing. “I put an alert on (Y/N)’s name and face to see if anything came up, anything that could help us find her and this website just went live a few seconds ago. The link was emailed to me anonymously.”

She projected her screen onto the television, showing the team. The background was dark, but they could see a livestream and you were right in the middle. Spencer felt the air leave his body as he took in your unconscious appearance, flashbacks of Tobias Hankel appearing in his mind.

“Wake up!” The unsub yelled at you, smacking you across the face.

“Garcia can you take this down?” Emily’s voice was quiet as they watched you regain consciousness and look directly at the camera.

“Don’t!” Spencer reached out to grab Penelope’s hands before they could do anything. “She knows that we can see her. Look at her face.”

He was right. Your features didn’t show that you were hurt or even scared. They showed a woman determined to get away. Everyone saw as you turned to the unsub, whose face was just out of frame, with an irritated scowl.

“She’s not afraid of him.” JJ’s voice held an admirable tone.

“When my team finds you, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you never see the light of day again.”

The unsub laughed. “Your team is reckless. They don’t know how to separate their emotions from their work. They make careless mistakes and ignore the law when it’s convenient for them. You’re team has as much a chance as finding me as you do walking out here alive.”

“Sounds like pretty good odds to me.”

Spencer could feel himself shaking, beyond pissed he still couldn’t figure out where you were. “Garcia, can you track where this is streaming from?”

“No the IP address reroutes every fifteen seconds, I can’t pinpoint him.”

The screen went dark, but they could still hear everything.

“Tell me something agent. Would you die for them?”

“In a heartbeat.”

“Would you live for them?”

“Yes.”

“What was your fight with Doctor Reid about?”

You hesitated for a second and the BAU could feel an aura of tension. But you weren’t going to let this man get to you. “What is your obsession with my boyfriend?”

The unsub laughed again. “Doctor Spencer Reid is an enigma. For years, I’ve watched as this child has made an ass of everyone who dared speak to him. He looks down on others, thinking that his intelligence made them inferior. For a long time, I thought I hated him, but after a while I figured out that I was in awe of him. Ededict memory, an IQ of 187, can read twenty thousand words per minute. A genius. And yet, in waltz this rookie cop and all that is registered null and void. Around you, Spencer Reid goes from machine to human man, and a dumb one at that. How did you do it?”

Though they would never admit it, the rest of the BAU was slightly curious as well. Spencer did in fact get a little loopy when it came to you and sometimes it confused them.

“I didn’t do anything.” You were confused.

“Don’t lie to me!” Everyone flinched as the unsub yelled. “What did you do to him?”

“I don’t know what your talking about!” Your resolve was breaking. Spencer’s heart broke when you glanced at the camera and he saw the fear in your eyes.

“Maybe this will help.”

Everything moved in slow motion. You appeared on the screen again, belt tied around your arm above your elbow. Spencer immediately recognized the bottle and needle he pulled out of his pocket.

“No!” He screamed, Matt and Luke had to hold him back before he launched himself at the screen as the unsub measured out the Dilaudid.

“You remember this, don’t you sweetheart?” He pushed the needle into your vein and injected you with the narcotic. “Doctor Reid didn’t fare so well against this particular drug. Let’s see how you do.”

The BAU watched as you drifted into unconsciousness and then the camera cut off. Spencer broke, sobbing as Luke and Matt held him up.

“We have to get her out of there.” Penelope wiped her tear stained cheeks. “I have the list of officers who were absent on the day that all three victims were abducted and killed. It’s a pretty decent sized list.”

“And you compared that list to the agents who aren’t here today?”

“Just did. Still fourteen names.”

“Alright. I want every single address of everyone on that list. JJ, Simmons, Rossi, take the first seven. Luke, Lewis and I will take the other seven. Reid, stay here with Garcia in case he starts streaming again.”

“I’m going with you!”

“Absolutely not!” Emily was more firm than anyone had ever heard her before. “You are nowhere near emotionally stable enough for the field. You will stay here with Garcia and that is an order!”

Everyone watched as Spencer and Emily stared each other down. After a moment, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his badge and gun. “If she dies and he gets away, I quit.”

Emily gave him a curt nod. “I understand.”

The rest of the team left and Spencer sank into the chair next to Garcia, resting his head on her shoulder. She stroked his hair.

“Come on Boy Wonder. Build a profile. Maybe we can figure out who it is. Save them some time.”

He nodded and sat up, looking over the files on the table. Images and words swam in front of his eyes as he tried to fit all the pieces together. For hours he stayed there, circling the table and moving things around to get a better understanding. Garcia lost count of how many times she refilled their coffee cups. The sun was rising when he finally had an idea.

“We know he works at the FBI, so he’s smart and at least somewhat fit. The torture and stabbing on his previous victims suggest sexual sadism. Garcia, can you hack the IT department?”

“Easy peasy lemon squeezy.” Her hands flew across her keyboard. “What am I looking for?”

“Anyone who has looked into our files or possibly even into our pasts. He’s obsessed with one, if not both of us. He knew when the perfect time to grab her was, so he had to have been watching us.”

“Holy smokes.”

“What is it?”

“Dex Trengrove. He’s got everything you’ve ever written, everything you’ve ever been mentioned in saved on his hard drive. It also looks like he planted a trojan horse on (Y/N)’s work computer and has been recording random pieces of the day. There’s so much footage of her just laughing and filling out paperwork. There’s a clip of her kissing you cheek that he has labled ‘WHY?’”

Spencer called Emily on speaker phone. “Emily, our unsub is number four on your list, Dex Trengrove.”

“That makes sense. He was fired three months ago for hacking NSA. That must have been his trigger. But he wasn’t at his apartment. Does he have any other address on file?”

“Nope. He hasn’t gotten a new job since being fired and both his parents are dead.”

“What happened to his parents house?”

“They lived in a little house in rural Virginia. When they died two years ago, they left it to Dex, but he sold it to -- oh my god.”

“What is it Garcia?”

“He sold it to Harley and Robin Beth. The Beths dropped off the grid right afterwards and no one had heard from them since.”

Tara chimed in. “How much you want to bet, they were his first victims?”

Emily sighed. “Garcia, I need the coordinates for that house.”

“Coming to your phones.”

Just then, there was a ping. “He’s streaming again.”

They turned to the screen as your face appeared right in front of the camera. You were whispering, tears running down your face. “Spencer, if you can hear me, I’m okay. He’s one of the IT guys. I don’t remember his name. I don’t know where I am. Spence, I need you know that I love you. More than anything in this world. If I don’t make it out of here, always remember that I love you. ”

He saw your eyes widen as you heard footsteps. You returned to your chair, slipping your hands into the loosened binds. Dax had another full needle in his hand.

“Please don’t.” You begged, feigning desperation. “I’m fine, really. I don’t need it. Please.”

He chuckled and grabbed your arm anyway. While he was busying himself with the belt, you slipped back out of your binds and wrapped them around his neck.

“Son of a bitch.” You growled in his ear as he struggled against you. You maneuvered your legs around his flailing arms until you were completely wrapped around him.

“Go to sleep. Go to sleep.” You held steady, pulling tighter as he slowly lost consciousness. He dropped to his knees as you heard the sound of approaching sirens.

“Dax Trengrove. FBI!” You sighed in relief as you heard Emily’s voice. She busted through the door followed closely behind Tara and Luke, weapon raised.

“Thank god.” You let yourself cry as you untagged yourself from the man and ran into her arms. “I’m so happy to see you.”

“Let’s get you to a medic.” You nodded and let her lead you away.

------

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao Tzu

------

Your body ached as you opened your eyes.

“Where am I?” You groaned, trying to sit up.

“Don’t do that.” You were startled by Spencer’s voice, but immediately comforted when you turned and realized that he was next to you. “You’re at the hospital. You’ve been sleep for the past two days.”

“Have you been here the whole time?” You smirked at his messy hair and scraggly beard. Your nose turned up as he leaned in close. “Yes you have. You smell.”

“There she is,” He pressed his lips to your cheek and you got a whiff of his breath. “I’m going to go tell the team that you’re woke.”

“Brush your teeth while you’re at it!” You called as he walked out the door, laughing.

------

TO BE CONTINUED...

[screamingatanemptyroom]

“Wait here.” The technician was curt, far different from the friendly demeanor she had shown me when I first walked in the room. She stood up and walked out, leaving me confused, still nursing the pinprick on my finger.

What was going on?

I had just turned 18, and as required by law I had presented to the citizen registry to have my DNA placed on file. This would act as my ID, give me clearance to get a job, access to the information hub. Everything in our society was tied to our genetics, for better or for worse. Waiting in line for hours, crushed in the midst of a crowd of angry, impatient people was not how I wanted to spend my birthday, but rules were rules.

I had entered the tiny windowless room, returning the smile the technician had sent my way before sitting at the metal table and placing my finger in the DNA recorder. A few moments had passed before I heard an angry beep. The technician paused a few tense seconds before turning back to me, her smile much more strained than before.

“Have you already registered your DNA?”

“No. Why?” I was bewildered.

“Wait here.”

She returned shortly with several large men in suits.

“We would like you to test your DNA again.” This time, no one was smiling.

“Why?” My finger still hurt from the first test, I wasn’t really in the mood to repeat it.

“Don’t make me ask again.”

With a loud sigh I put my finger back in the recorder, wincing at the prick of the needle inside. The machine processed a few moments and then let out an angry beep once more.

“Follow us.” It wasn’t really a request, the two men on either side grabbed my arms and dragged me forward until I got my feet under me.

This was bad. I had heard rumors of people disappearing but I thought it was just crazy stories. Were they going to kill me? I tried to struggle for all of five seconds before realizing that the two men on either side were much stronger than me. I was forced forward, through multiple hallways and finally into an elevator which moved up more floors than I could count.

We entered a massive room, luxurious and beautiful, and standing in the center of the room was a single person.

Given where we were, our surroundings there could be only one answer to the person’s identity, although I had never seen them before.

The Dictator.

There was just one teeny tiny problem:

The dictator looked just like me.

A few years older, yes, but otherwise almost a carbon copy. The dictator smiled, a friendly expression which scared me all the more given how much it resembled my own.

“Welcome! I’ve been waiting for you!”

I was not expecting that reaction. “Umm, hi?”

“I know you must be confused, but don’t worry, you won’t have much longer to worry about it.”

“Pardon?”

A glove was thrown down at my feet.

“A new opponent has appeared. I challenge you to a fight to the death!”

I stared at the object on the floor. “Woah, slow down! Why do we have to fight?”

The dictator shrugged. “It’s part of the job. The system injects a clone of me into the society at calculated intervals. Every few years one shows up, challenging my position. It’s a way to balance the power, I suppose.”

“This is crazy!” I shook my head, “What if I don’t want to challenge you?”

“Then you get executed. I didn’t want this either. I was actually the fifth replica, but since I’ve taken power, I’ve won fourteen duels. This is the reality of my position. The dictator made a gesture to the glove tossed on the floor. “Now will you take me up on the challenge or not?”

I grinned, enjoying the look of uncertainty that crossed my opponent ‘s face. Picking up the glove, I held it up high and answered “Since it seems I have no choice, I’ll take you on.” I laughed, “I was going to apply for a job after I registered anyways, and this seems much more interesting.”

“Good luck.”

A sword was handed to me, I gave it a few test swings. “Thanks, but I don’t need it.”

With that, I rushed forward, sword raised.

Would I win? I wasn’t sure.

Either way, it was definitely going to be a memorable 18th birthday!

You are a 17-year-old living in a futuristic dystopian society where a fascist party rules the world. Upon turning 18, citizens are required to take a DNA test to put their genetic information on file. When you go to take yours, your genetic identity is a 100% identical to that of the dictator.

[reginaofdoctorwho]

ok so i started this as a draft days ago and barely remember where i was going with this idea but i tried to fill it out a little more. basically it’s just that anytime Curt says he misses being a spy he misses being a spy with Owen or the spy he was with Owen. so probably everything is what everyone knows already

Curt ties being a spy with Owen. completely, intrinsically, whatever, okay?? in Spy Again Curt says “Owen would want me to do this”, and lists

hop in a jet and fly again

grow a spine again

do my best not to cry again

wear a suit and tie again

drink martinis and drive again

get by again

feel like a real important guy again

as what he’s going to do as a spy. let’s check off what happens before Owen’s reveal (i’m trying to include some)

hop in a jet and fly again

grow a spine again

do my best not to cry again (i’m trying to be nice here he’s probably doing his best despite what happens)

wear a suit and tie again (literally part of the mission)

drink martinis and drive again (he’s sobering up)

get by again (barely my dude)

feel like a real important guy again

which, decent, but our dude is also having gay flashbacks, messing up a very simple and clear mission, and mistakes flirting for fighting (to quote my friend “Amelie” “he’s,,, so bad at pretending to be straight”) this all being with him having been one of the greatest spies, to the point of recognition years after he retired.

and post Owen’s reveal

hop in a jet and fly again (we’re going to count whatever that in

grow a spine again

do my best not to cry again

wear a suit and tie again (i mean he doesn’t need it??)

drink martinis and drive again (ok i don’t know maybe?? he does shots before and THEN chases Owen and then he’s drinking whiskey when he meets with Tatiana)

get by again

feel like a real important guy again (look at him at the end

more below the cut because this is already long and it’s going to be even longer

Okay, to be more in depth, (this’ll sound like a lot of my other posts) at the beginning Curt Mega is truly a great spy. yes, he was captured by Oleg, but the entire interaction with him Curt is still in control. he mocks Oleg, breaks his fingers, hits the bat back at him, all while holding a conversation (and flirting) with Owen. he’s confident the entire time, he’s willing to go against plans and is overconfident to a fault. While Cynthia is somewhat rude and pays more attention to Owen in the beginning (”finally someone who knows what the hell they’re doing!”) but i think she’d treat him the same as Curt if he ever did decide to work for her. it’s partially a “bring in new talent” and partially a “keep the old talent from being overconfident” thing. i don’t think it’s an actual mark on what pre-fall Curt was like as an agent. but either way, their record was six minutes to get out of a building presumably set to explode (or implode. fuck if i know) and they were still both confident and eager to lower the time even more. and they would have accomplished it, if not for Owen falling. what i’m saying is pre-canon Curt was a very effective agent, was good at his job, and was likely almost never out of his depth.

in Spy Again, he’s talking about becoming a spy again, but he links this to Owen, believing that being a spy again would enable him to work past Owen’s death (”but maybe this time’ll be different, it might be what I need”). he’s haunted by the “memories” not “memory”, which could be taken as any time he and Owen worked together, not just when he died. he wants to be a spy, but even stating that and the things he misses about being a spy (above lists) starts to remind him of Owen (”and i know just where i’m goin’, me and my partner Owen!”). he sees himself post-fall, with his beard, alcoholism, and trying and failing to improve (”i do what i can, try to make a plan, to be a better man, but nothing seems to stick”) and again relates it to Owen (”Owen please, if you could see what’s become of me, what would you think?”). Curt decides Owen would want him to be a spy again (”i once was a spy. i think you’d want me to spy again”) and repeats it to make it stick (”Owen would want me to do this”), and that is what truly starts him off again. or so it would seem.

in his first mission back, Curt can’t start again. he has to talk himself into doing his job again (”looks like that someone has to be me. you came here to do this, so do the job, stop acting like a little pussy”), and then mostly rides along on what Tatiana does anyway (”i second that motion!) a far cry from the beginning Curt who did his job eagerly. and we are again reminded that Curt was a great spy when Sergio recognizes Curt on sight and says “is that Agent Curt Mega? ... i can’t believe this, the most famous spy in the world busting my arms deal. hey, would you mind signing something...” followed by DMA immediately being able to disarm Curt with ease, showing the contrast. Curt does recognize the baked goods are the way to hurt Sergio, but also loses the bomb to Tatiana

Curt is, at this point, still waiting [in a way] for a partner. it is not implied in the beginning that he and Owen worked together every mission, rather the opposite in fact (“MI6 didn’t tell me you were on this mission”), but he still seems to almost expect a partner, and goes off what Tatiana says even though they’re not working together, and they both train their weapons on the baked goods.

Cynthia points out that he’s been on an early retirement for four years, which Curt is very quick to correct as a grieving period. his hands shake during Cynthia’s drill, he fumbles the gun, and he has none of the grace or style of the beginning. when Cynthia mentions Owen and Curt’s alcoholism (”i remember when i got the call that Owen died and you lived, i screamed into Susan’s neck for fifteen seconds, then i locked it up and moved on. you on the other hand, you drank yourself to rock bottom...”) Curt doesn’t even look at her. when she poisons him, he’s still able to repeat back (in essence) what she said, showing that the spy of the past is still there, deep down.

Eyes on the Prize II is the (i think) first time we see Gay Flashback-Owen. he is notably not slipping and dying, as would likely be going through Curt’s head if he were haunted by that specific memory alone (going back to the “haunted by any memory of Owen”) thing i mentioned, but is instead also saying “keep your eyes on the prize” with the ensemble, again lining up Owen with Curt’s idea of being a spy.

during the casino scene Curt is clumsy with his acting, and is trying to get information from Tatiana (it’s all very awkward. “make it a white russian, hold the vodka, please, thank you so much” “excellent choice. one vodka martini bone dry, and one glass of cream”), but as soon as another person joins it (Dick Big), the relationship between them turns from enemies trying to get information from the other to an uneasy team (”i’m hardly alone, the woman and i were just about to-”), with Curt even giving a russian toast, and although Tatiana definitely notices when Curt is given a gun by the dealer, she politely declines to mention it, and when Curt offers her his arm while Dick is off finding a waiter, she smiles. and while it could be argued that it is just them working undercover, this did feel more genuine than when they are alone and back in their assumed positions (”besides, without that horrible face fungus, what will i have to yank?” “we are talking about fighting, right?”) Tatiana also recognizes that Curt is alone in more ways than one, both without backup and without anyone he can trust fully. in the short time they’ve been together, they already are close enough to friends that Tati apologizes for bringing him to DMA

despite the two of them being on opposite sides during this encounter, they are already beginning to act as partners/friends, and Curt takes her betrayal more personally than he should have

i’d also like to take this moment to point out that DMA almost instinctively stabs the Nazi henchman for saying “seems his noggin’s a bit dense!” of Curt

during Torture Tango, it seems like he’s having a natural reaction to getting tortured. Curt is nervous, he’s afraid, he’s ready to die (”you sick bastard, why don’t you just kill me already?”/”i can’t deny that i’m gonna die”). but this is NOT how the torture scene at the beginning went, even before he knew Owen was there. at the beginning scene Curt is arrogant, throwing Oleg’s words back at him, breaking his fingers, keeping a cool tone and staying in control the whole time. this time he barely talks to the DMA, he doesn’t fight back, he just accepts it. also, he sings “i once was a spy but i won’t be a spy again” and “thought i could say goodbye, but i can’t lie i wanna be a spy again” despite the fact that he is a spy again. he says he wants to be a spy again, but he already is a spy again, what he’s missing is Owen. he was once a spy with a partner he loved and could trust completely, and the partner felt the same way about him. that is what i believe enabled him to be such a good spy, he had someone who knew everything about him, being gay included, and he was able to act more confidently as a result. what he misses is less of the “go get the girl and go save the world” and more seeing his partner even for short periods and having the confidence that comes from being known. also, curt is on the verge of death and is still thinking of Owen (”doesn’t even matter if i killed my best friend”)

back to Tatiana, who’s having her own crisis. “is Mega my enemy do i let him die? i’ve got to think about my family ‘cause no one’s looking out for me...” she, at this point, has not interacted with Curt beyond the arms deal, the casino, and betraying him to von Nazi and DMA. despite this she still sees him as a possible ally, and ultimately does decide to betray von Nazi and DMA for him (to his understandable confusion). when she unties him, he only calms down when she holds her arm out to him, but he becomes so distracted by it and Gay Flashback-Owen that he doesn’t notice DMA is waking up until he’s already been shot.  i’d also like to point out that Gay Flashback-Owen is doing the same arm out pose Tatiana is doing while holding Curt’s arm

end of act 1. can i get a wahoo?

when Curt is with Barb, he acknowledges that he’s fucked things up, but still catches himself on saying he is a [great] spy again ”i was, i am, supposed to be the best”

i think during the gala he is trying to be the Curt from the past while ignoring why he was that way. he insists on going rogue, he confidently (and foolishly) announces that he is a spy, the prince will be assassinated, and that the Russians and Americans know, despite the fact that it doesn’t seem like a good idea if thought about at all. With blowing up the facility at the beginning there was some merit to it. they had been seen, they stole the plans and possibly wished to muddle why they were there, the facility might have had more plans they didn’t know about and they were already on a time limit. they also had a limit on the tech items they had (no rocket shoes :’( ).

when Tatiana rescues him again and takes him to his mother’s safe house, who mentions a “constant parade of drinking buddies, for poker or wrestling or whatever you boys do in the rumpus room” and while we could make an argument about Curt trying to move on after the fall, i think this youtube comment on the video is a fucking treasure and i will forever remember it.

i’d also like to point out now that Tatiana is truly the only character that i believe could “replace” Owen for Curt. he needs someone in his life who can know even the parts he hides from those closest to him, someone on equal footing with him, someone who doesn’t idolize him, and someone who works well with him. he can’t tell his mother, because she wants grandchildren, she wants a daughter-in-law, she wants to plan a wedding. it can’t be Cynthia, she’s his boss, it’s set during the Lavender Scare when he could lose his job for being gay. it can’t be Barb, who has an intense crush on him, and even when she does act in a platonic way, she is willing to risk her job based on the fact that it’s him (in an almost awestruck way). Tatiana is unimpressed with Curt when they first meet, they become friends quickly, work together to stop von Nazi and DMA, they are both spies at the top of the field, and she accepts him (”you’re cool with me?” “till the end!” “cool :)”). also, i think it’s interesting that Tatiana believes she is saving someone (her family) by leaving them behind, while Curt believed he killed someone (Owen his lover) by leaving them behind. just kinda parallels i think

before Doing This, Curt says he is is afraid that “[he’ll] never be the spy [he] once was” and that he believes he shouldn’t need anyone else. when Tatiana says he’ll get everyone who cares about him killed with his line of thinking he says the line “i already have.” explains about Owen, and adds “and that was back when I was the old Curt”.

during One More Shot, Curt acknowledges that he tried to get past missing Owen by trying not to need anyone else, which was wrong (“i used to think i could do this by myself i was fine, i didn't need any help“). this is him starting to take his friendship with Tati and being able to use it to see that while he cannot work alone, he doesn’t need one specific person to make him the man he is.

this of course promptly goes out the window when DMA is revealed to be Owen

however, Curt still calls Tatiana “partner” before going after Owen.

when he does go after Owen (One Step Ahead), he still thinks of Owen as the man from 1957 (”what happened to the man i knew?”). when Owen begins to explain, Curt tries to remind him of what they did “together. two of the greatest spies to ever live”. once again associating him and Owen together with being a spy

also, once Owen is dead (idk if i hope for real or not) again, Curt does make a change for the better. he’s able to be fairly confident around Cynthia, he tries to be enthusiastic about Barb’s tech/data analysis merge, he is able to talk about his “ex lover returned from the grave” with Tatiana. i do find it interesting though that he does not tell her about the other facilities, again taking it upon himself to fix it, and only telling her “give me a ring if you’re ever stateside”.

in a final moment, Curt is able to move on from Owen, and acknowledge “i once was a spy, i’ll always be a spy” with or without Owen.

[methane-skies-and-zone-runners]

Bulletproof Heart

Summary:

Adrenaline and Lithium were just trying to survive the desert, nothing unusual about that right? Wrong.

"It's going to work, Adrenaline. Trust me."

"We've been at this for hours Lithium...It's clearly not going to work.."

Lithium huffed and wiped his hands on his black skinny jeans, fixing Adrenaline with the best bitch-face he could muster up.

Adrenaline ran a hand through her pink, blue, and red streaked hair, putting her other hand on her hip. "Dude....." She whined, looking at the car that they had been working on for quite some time. "Let's face it, we gotta leave this here. we do have alternate means of transportation." she reminded.

"What? No! We've had this car since forever! We aren't giving up on her!" Lithium popped the hood and checked out the engine for any problems.

He let out a small growl and sighed. "We probably need a jump-start..."

She sighed as well. "You're kidding... There are no cars round to jump this piece of junk!" Adrenaline pointed out in a matter-of-fact tone.

Lithium knocked around with the engine a bit and then suddenly there was music coming from the radio, one of their old cassette tapes. "Aha! I told you baby wants to work."

She rolled her hazel eyes at her companion. "Yep..." Adrenaline started grinning at the song, bopping her head to the beat while Lithium was attempting to fix their vehicle.

He heard something in the distance, but paid no mind to it as he was gently rubbing the side of their Chevy Impala. "Come on baby..." He mumbled. "Help me out man..." Lithium looked at Adrenaline momentarily.

"Dude, I was an artist. I can barely fix anything to do with machinery"

"Stop being a little bitch and help me over here"

"Jerk."

The two burst out in a fit of unrestrained giggles, shaking their heads at each other.

Adrenaline hopped off of the roof of the car, looking around the rocky, desert terrain. She crouched next to Lithium and began to quietly sing along to the song that was blasting from the car stereo, "light em up up up, light em up up up, light em up up up, I'm on fire!"

After at least a minute more the song had ended and been replaced with a much older tune, Welcome To The Black Parade, and the two gaped at each other.

"Dude, I totally forgot this song was on here!"

And with that the two got to work on the car again, singing along and all together making fools of themselves.

They were starting to get somewhere when Lithium's head shot up. He could hear another engine rumbling in the distance.

He stood and looked around, spotting a white vehicle that he didn't recognize. "Adrenaline, there's another car coming up..." His voice was lacking the joy it held moments before.

Adrenaline got up and wiped her hands on a rag watching as Lithium wiped his off on his jeans. She looked around a bit and then spotted it as well, taking a slightly defensive position.

Lithium followed that reaction, and got ready for a fight as well, hand shooting down to hold onto his black and white gun.

The white vehicle rolled to a sudden stop a few feet away from the two in the gas station, because that was what this run down building had been before BL/ind.

He pushed the other behind himself protectively and pulled his gun out of the holster on his hip as the people in the other vehicle piled out.

Adrenaline placed a hand on her own gun, looking around them for possible escape routes in case this didn't go well.

The other people pulled out their own guns cautiously and stared at Lithium and Adrenaline.

"Who the hell are you?" Lithium demanded.

The red head of the opposing group furrowed his brow and took a step closer. "Who are you... And what are you doing here?" He cocked an eyebrow at them, ignoring the question.

"I'm Lithium Starlight...." He kept his eyes locked on the man in front of him. "This..." He gestured toward the female behind him with a tilt of his head. "Is Adrenaline Revolution."

He chose not to answer the second question, deciding they didn't matter enough to know.

The red head in the navy blue leather jacket raised his gun, the action being quickly mimicked by his friends.

The one with slicked back blonde hair with dark brown roots looked between the two and met eyes with Adrenaline, grip on his gun slacking a little.

His dark blue eyes darkened noticeably when he spotted the blond looking at Adrenaline, and he clenched his jaw and fists, squeezing his gun tight.

The lot of them glared at each other for a while before the multicolor haired female  cleared her throat quietly and leaned forward to whisper in Lithium's ear, "Maybe they could help us fix the car?" She let her eyes flicker to them.

Lithium's eyes widened dramatically. "What the hell woman, are you mad?! No one is gonna touch baby!"

She shied back a little in surprise. "Come on, you said it yourself: "we probably need a jump-start."" She reminded, attempting to make the bitch-face.

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever." He brought his attention back to the four men. "Okay, look... Adrenaline here wants to know if y'all can give baby a jump-start."

Adrenaline elbowed him.

"Okay, sorry.. We. We want to know if you can give baby a jump-start."

The red head gave a curt nod and looked to his friends who nodded in response. "If you tell us what you're doing."

"Only if you tell us your names."

"Deal."

Lithium grinned broadly, surveying the area for Dracs and then placing his hands on his hips.

The red head chewed on his lower lip and sighed. "You can call me Party Poison." He gave them both a small, crooked smile, putting his gun away.

The one with lengthy black hair, wearing an army styled green vest gave them barely an upward glance, lowering his green laser gun. "Fun Ghoul."

Adrenaline observed them each carefully, giving Lithium a calm look as if saying, "Dude, put the gun away."

Lithium obliged, watching his friend do the same before refocusing.

"Kobra Kid." The blond said, having already put the gun he was holding away. He kept his brown eyes on the two in front of him.

"I'm Jet Star." The one with the afro introduced himself, twirling his gun in his hand then tucking it in the holster on his side.

Lithium gave out an appreciative hum and looked back at Adrenaline who's eyes were locked on Kobra's. He rolled his own eyes and looked at Party Poison. "We are rebelling against BL/ind, I assume you're doing the same since you are "The Fabulous Killjoys."" He said, finally recognising them from a wanted poster he had seen back in Battery City.

Fun Ghoul let out a small chuckle. "You can't be serious... Two people by themselves can't possibly beat ALL of the S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W unit, AND BL/ind."

"Fun is right, that's suicide." Party and Kobra shared matching looks of agreement.

Lithium Starlight shrugged and looked at them seriously. "We would die for a good cause."

"Okay, well anyway!" Adrenaline Revolution intervened. "So are you gonna jump-start our car, or what?" She raised an eyebrow at them.

Jet Star brought his attention to her and then towards the impala. "Do you guys have jumper cables?"

Without a word Lithium handed them over after digging them out of the trunk.

Jet gave them to Fun who opened the hood of their car, connecting the cables.

Kobra walked over to Adrenaline who in turn gave him a curious look.

Poison looked toward Lithium as the other man pushed up the sleeves of his dusty black leather jacket, hooking the cables up to the impala before getting in and starting the car.

Fun looked over. "Al-right, go."

Jet hopped into the Killjoy's vehicle, revving the engine which caused the impala to rumble back to life.

"Oh my god, listen to her purr. Baby is back!"

Adrenaline, who was currently trying to avoid Kobra's awkward small talk, gave her friend a thumbs up. "That's fantastic! We can actually drive around again!"

Party unplugged the jumper cables and folded them back up, tossing them carefully into the impala's trunk and shutting it.

Fun wiped his now dusty hands off on his jeans and shut the hood of the white car.

"Thanks for the help boys, me and my sister over here, better get moving. So.... So long, and goodnight."

Party Poison broke out into a hearty laugh. "Did you just reference a song off of our old record?"

He blushed a light pink. "Your old record?" His head was tilted to the side, eyes squinting a little.

"Yeah, our old record. We thought they destroyed them all..." Kobra piped up from beside Adrenaline.

Adrenaline gaped at them. "Oh my fucking God...."

"Language!" Lithium exclaimed in almost a girly shout.

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Um...." Fun Ghoul began, drawing attention to himself. "I don't mean to intrude, but we seem to have a little problem in the form of an Exterminator..." He gestured to a spot behind them.

And all at once everyone had their guns out, practically in a race to see who could take the enemy down first.

In the end the honor of exterminating the exterminator went to Adrenaline who got him straight in the head.

"Damn.." Kobra muttered, clearly awe struck and impressed from behind Lithium.

"Don't even think about it buddy...." Lithium warned, flashing him an almost murderous glance.

From beside him Party and Ghoul snickered, earning punches in the arm from Kobra Kid.

Adrenaline, oblivious as ever to the situation, pulled an elastic from her wrist and tied her hair up in an adorable, messy ponytail. "We could all work together." She said suddenly.

"Work together? Us?" Party and Lithium asked in an accidental unison.

"That's actually a really smart idea... More people means more of a chance." Jet Star piped up from his place behind the lot of them.

Fun and Kobra nodded.

Lithium made a whining noise and pouted a little. "But people..."

"Child."

"Hey, I'm older than you!"

"Not by much!"

"So is this an agreement? Are we working together?" Jet inquired, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned coolly against their white Trans-am.

"Yes." Adrenaline answered, ignoring Lithium's annoyed groan and the glare shot her way by Party.

"Great!"

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Notes taken during Super Bowl XIII

PREGAME

NBC Broadcast. Dick Enberg hosting.

Enberg says it sounds like there are more Steeler fans than Cowboys at the game in Miami.

Pregame introductions: Steelers offense. Players introduced in groups: Linemen, then receivers, then backs.

Dallas offense also introduced. Same order.

Coin toss: George Halas brought to midfield in a 1920 touring car. I hope it's a Hupmobile, but I don't know enough about cars to have any idea. Halas doesn't even get out of the car, he flips the coin from inside the car. Cowboys win the toss, they'll receive. Pittsburgh takes the wind.

Jack Lambert having a chat with Halas before heading to the sideline. Two legends.

Weird wide shot during the first half of the Star Spangled Banner. No video of the singers. Eventually they cut to them for a few seconds.

Enberg tosses to Curt Gowdy for the actual game.

FIRST QUARTER

Gowdy: Steelers have overhauled their special teams units. Good. They were a hot mess last time we saw them.

First play for the Cowboys: Dorsett runs left for seven or so. Gowdy says Dallas runs about 75% of the time when they're in the I formation.

Can I just take a moment to say how happy I am that Tom Brookshier isn't in the booth? That was no fun.

Dorsett up the middle, nearly takes it all the way. Gets into Steeler territory.

I think that's Merlin Olsen on color commentary. He's excellent, intelligent, and no-nonsense. He's the opposite of Brookshier, who is all nonsense.

Tony Dungy is the Steelers' nickel defensive back. Neat.

Dorsett ripping off massive chunks of yardage. Dallas already to the Steeler 35.

Dallas tries to run a double reverse, maybe a double reverse pass, but they botch the handoff. That's the second time in two Super Bowls they've screwed up a first-drive double reverse. Anyway, Pittsburgh recovers.

Third and long, Dallas goes to a dime package on defense and blitzes, but Bradshaw finds Stallworth for the first down.

Gowdy: A light rain is falling, but there's a foot and a half of sand underneath the grass surface.

Steelers throwing a lot early. Bradshaw with a perfect pass on an out pattern to Grossman. That's a first down inside the Dallas 30.

Next play, Bradshaw goes for the home run ball and finds Stallworth in the end zone. Another perfect throw. Olsen notices that Stallworth only got one foot in bounds, but was forced out so the touchdown counts. 7-0 Steelers early.

Oh, hey, this recording has commercials. First commercial is for Sheraton, a song and dance number. Next: Budweiser. Only two commercials, then back to the game.

First play, Staubach runs into Dorsett, trips and falls. Gets up and throws an incomplete pass. Olsen suggests it's probably Dorsett's fault, but doesn't want to point fingers because he's not totally sure.

John Brodie: Staubach is the only QB I've ever seen play effectively out of the shotgun. Staubach makes a nice throw to Butch Johnson inside Pittsburgh territory.

Steeler pass rush getting to Staubach early. They get to Roger on a blitz, but Staubach very nearly escapes. Brodie says even if Staubach had avoided the sack, there was nobody open anyway.

Next play, Staubach has all day to throw. All...day.... There's nobody open, though, and Dwight White tackles him. Here's Danny White to punt.

Commercial: Neil Armstrong for Chrysler. As an engineer, Armstrong appreciates Chrysler's technology. Yeah, well, maybe, but that's only because you don't need a functional automobile transmission to get to the moon.

Replay: Hollywood Henderson gets absolutely lit up on kick coverage.

Third and five, Bradshaw hits a wide open Franco Harris down the middle. A linebacker tried and failed to cover Franco. Harris grabs the pass and runs into Dallas territory.

Bradshaw having a great day. Now he hits Swann. Pittsburgh is shredding the Cowboy secondary. 1st and 10 from the Cowboy 30.

Bradshaw was a bit too confident. One play later, he makes a poor throw and puts the ball right in the numbers of Dallas linebacker D.D. Lewis. That's an interception.

Commercials: American Express card, don't leave home without it. Then Laurel and Hardy impersonators for Anco wiper blades. Now a promo for Hello Larry, Fridays on the new NBC!

Dallas goes three and out and has to punt. Linebacker Jack Ham with nice coverage on Preston Pearson.

Gowdy: Danny White could be a first-string QB on most teams. It's not clear how long he'll be content to be a backup.

Commercials: A wacky ad for Delco. "Thanks, Delco!" Then a commercial for Eastern Airlines. They have computers!

Nice to see Luigi at the game. No sign of Mario, however.

Pittsburgh dinged for offensive holding. They had zero penalties in Super Bowl X against the Cowboys.

Third and 6, Harvey Martin hits Bradshaw from behind, forces a fumble, and Too Tall Jones falls on it. The Steelers' second turnover.

Dallas 1st and 10 on the Steeler 41.

Staubach throws deep to Drew Pearson in the end zone, very good throw, but Shell breaks it up. Missed it by that much.

Not that it matters. Next play, Steelers blitzing on third and long, and Staubach just barely gets the pass off in time. Tony Hill makes the catch and tightropes the sideline for a touchdown. It's the last play of the first quarter. 7-7 after one.

Commercials: US Steel, Iron City Beer. Iron City throws some shade at Stroh's. (Stroh's!) Looks like this is a Pittsburgh broadcast from 11 Alive, WIIC. (It's now WPXI)

SECOND QUARTER

Bradshaw to Grossman for another completion. Weird play - Grossman had fallen and was on the ground already when he made the catch. Gowdy says Grossman played basketball at Temple. I see no evidence that this is true.

Olsen: If I needed one back to pick up short yardage, I'd pick Franco Harris.

Bradshaw improvising, rolling right, pump fakes, but it's broken up by Charlie Waters. Nice defensive play.

Third and 10, Bradshaw fumbles the ball, recovers it, and gets splattered by Hollywood Henderson and Mike Hegman. Henderson strips the ball from Bradshaw, Hegman rips it out of Bradshaw's hands, and takes it in for a defensive touchdown. Bradshaw looks injured, maybe a problem with his left arm. Brodie says Bradshaw may be the toughest quarterback ever, and if anyone can come back, it's Bradshaw.

Steelers say Bradshaw is fine.

Gowdy says the Pittsburgh fans are waving their Dirty Towels. Olsen corrects him: Terrible Towels.

Pittsburgh fans get a participation medal for this sign: Steelers Will Shorten Too Tall Jones. Um, okay?

Bradshaw hits Stallworth on what looks like sort of a nothing pass, but he breaks a tackle and just. keeps. running. Somehow Stallworth gets it into the end zone, and we're tied at 14. Stallworth has three catches for 115 yards.

Commercial: IBM, focusing on typewriters. Promo for NCAA basketball coverage. "NBSee Sports!"

Olsen: Bradshaw has a bruised left shoulder. Using smelling salts. (That doesn't seem like something you'd use for an ouchy shoulder.) He's a tough kid.

Cowboys with the ball now. Not able to do much on the ground. Steeler linebackers are playing well.

Third and 18, Staubach back to pass, Joe Greene forces a fumble, a defender attempts to pick it up and run but can't recover. Dallas falls on it and punts. That

Gowdy calls Hollywood Henderson the Muhammad Ali of pro football. That seems like a stretch.

Commercials: Allstate life insurance. You're in good hands. Now a commercial for the Plymouth Horizon TC3. It has an AM-FM radio!

Bradshaw to Swann, makes the catch and takes the ball to the Dallas 22. Pittsburgh passing game is on fire. The running game, less so. Too Tall Jones stuffs Franco Harris for a loss of 8.

Third down, Dallas sends everybody on a blitz and just barely sacks Bradshaw. If he had gotten the pass away, it might have been a touchdown. Instead, it's a field goal attempt...which Gerela misses. Still 14-14, now late in the second quarter.

Commercials: When EF Hutton talks, people listen. Budweiser. There's only one Budweiser beer. That's one too many.

Promo: Bruce Jenner and Donna Deverona on NBC's Olympic Diary.

Staubach with a nice throw to Preston Pearson coming out of the Dallas backfield. Gowdy mentions that Pittsburgh cut Pearson.

Cowboys moving the ball through the air. Play action pass, Staubach to Hill inside the Steeler 45. Two minute warning now.

Commercials: Midas. Now they guarantee work on foreign cars. Magnavox televisions. Remote control special bonus offer!

First play after the two minute warning, Steelers blitz and Dallas counters with a screen pass. Dorsett gets the first down inside the 35.

Dorsett and Ron Johnson get into a bit of a scrap after the play. Offsetting dead ball personal fouls. So nothing happens.

Staubach forces a throw into coverage and Mel Blount picks it off. Dupree flattens Blount on the return and is called for unnecessary roughness. Seems like kind of a weak call in the context of the era.

Seems like there are a bunch of great runs after the catch in this game. Swann makes a grab and a running, jumping, spinning run gets Pittsburgh a first down.

Commercials: Champion spark plugs. Georgia Pacific. Oil, gas, coal, gypsum, timber.

Cutaway shot of Dallas cheerleaders. I think maybe that's the first of the day. Somewhere, Brookshier cheers.

Great throw to Swann inside the Dallas 20. This is the closest thing to a modern no-huddle, hurry up offense that I've seen in any of these Super Bowls.

Steelers cross Dallas up. Draw play to Harris against a blitz gets to the Cowboys 7. Pittsburgh time out, 30 seconds or so left in the half.

Third and one, Bradshaw rolls right, looks, looks, and lays the ball up there for Rocky Bleier to go get. Terrific catch falling backwards. 21-14 Steelers, 0:26 left in the half.

Brodie: This is already the best Super Bowl ever. Probably true.

Merlin Olsen talking about how excited he is for the gymnastics at the Moscow Olympics. I've got bad news, Merlin.

Dallas keeping it on the ground. They call a timeout when the clock reaches 0:01 and, presumably, Roger Staubach is going to chuck the pigskin as far as he can. I've always wondered why more teams don't do exactly this. It's an incomplete pass off the fingertips of Preston Pearson and it's now halftime. 21-14 Steelers.

HALFTIME

Commercial: Hal Linden for Chrysler Newport. It's bigger and wider than the comparable Chevy, and $43 cheaper!

Commercial: AMF. We Make Weekends. They make sporting goods, sailboats, and...Harleys? I had no idea.

Promo: Bob Hope special on NBC with Sammy Davis Jr, Debbie Reynolds, Pat and Debby Boone.

Promo: Turnabout. Fridays on the new NBC! It's apparently Freaky Friday with a married couple.

Local pharmacy commercial. Then a Genesee commercial. Volkswagen commercial.

Enberg killing time until halftime show. Calls Olsen and Brodie in to discuss the first half, which is awkward because it forces them to walk between the camera and Enberg.

Enberg: Is Bradshaw playing hurt? Brodie: Sure, he's hurt, but he doesn't feel it now and he's got six months to recover.

Halftime: Super Bowl XIII Carnival. Features performers from Caribbean islands. Steel drum band from Antigua. Haitian national folk dance troupe. This is all well and good, but it needs more Left Shark. The Truetones from St. Lucia perform some stereotypical late 70s pop-R&B. From the Bahamas, the Royal Bahamas Police Force Band. Morris Mark from the British Virgin Islands. Dancers from Curacao. The Merrymen and Barbados Dance Theatre. All of these performances are around 45 seconds. This is a whole lot of not very much. Puerto Rico sings a song about being 'Puerto Rico USA'. Now the Jamaican military band. The Jamaican military is probably the chillest military. Dominica now. Some funk-reggae from them. Now dancers from the Dominican Republic. Singing and dancing from Aruba. Steel drums from Trinidad and Tobago. The U.S. Virgin Islands has dancers on stilts and steel drums. Now on a "boat" on the field is...Ken Hamilton? Who the heck is Ken Hamilton? There it is, though. Ken Hamilton.

Enberg voices over halftime highlights.

Commercial: Miller time. America's bankers. US armed forces. Coca Cola with an Olympic-themed commercial. Athletes from a bunch of countries all drinking Coke together.

Enberg, Brodie, and Olsen on a Chromakey, but the camera for the background shot is moving all over the place. Brodie has a crazy grin on his face while Olsen speaks - is Brodie on acid? What's going on there?

Bradshaw has 253 yards in the first half. Has never thrown for 300 yards in a game during his entire career.

THIRD QUARTER

Nice return from Pittsburgh's Larry Anderson to start the half. Out near the Steeler 40.

First play of the half, Harris gets a handoff, shakes and bakes, never really moves forward, and gets stuffed for a loss of 4. I'm on large amounts of cold medicine and it took me a few seconds to remember who #32 is for the Steelers. I'm not at my best right now.

Steelers go three and out. Gowdy marvels at punter Colquitt's form, only taking two steps before he kicks the ball.

Commercial: McDonalds. Big Mac is the one and only taste. Promo: "Backstairs at the White House", which appears to be a docudrama about presidents' families.

2nd and 12, Dallas attempts a middle screen to Dorsett, who drops it. Unfortunately for Pittsburgh, Donnie Shell held the Cowboys' Billy Joe Dupree. Automatic first down.

2nd and 10, Staubach takes a deep drop, has nobody open, and somehow scrambles for a first down. Nice athletic play from an aging QB.

Next set of downs, Staubach has nobody open on a double screen pass, he scrambles close to another first down. Olsen astutely points out that if the linebackers are covering backs on screen patterns, they can't tackle Staubach up the middle.

Third and 1, Cowboys hand it to their third back, Laidlaw, who gets stuffed. Weird time to give the ball to a reserve running back. They punt. Nice kick from White.

Commercial: Norm Snead, Charlie Johnson, and Terry Hanratty for Miller Lite. 'Famous Ex-Quarterbacks'. Crum & Forster Insurance with a super-weird ad essentially suggesting that without insurance companies, we might not have Fourth of July parades? I guess?

Too Tall Jones stuffs another Franco Harris running play. Neither rushing game is doing much at the moment. Steelers go three and out: Run play, run play, illegal procedure, incomplete pass. Dallas gets great field position, starting their next drive at the Steeler 42.

Commercial: Neil Armstrong for Chrysler talking about engineering. This is a really good ad, even if I've had awful experiences with Chrysler products.

First play after the punt: Flea flicker, Staubach looks for Hill in the end zone. Incomplete. Give Landry credit - he wasn't afraid to run trick plays in big games.

Gowdy: L.C. Greenwood went to Arkansas Amen. I think he means A&M.

Gowdy: They call Preston Pearson "Blood, Muscle, and Bones". Not an ounce of fat on him.

Gowdy: Only three members of the entire Cowboys roster have played for any coach other than Tom Landry: Preston Pearson, Jackie Smith, and Rafael Septien.

Third and 3 from the Pittsburgh 22, Dorsett around right end, makes a couple of nice moves to get the first down. 1st and 10 from the 17 now. 3:30 left in the third quarter.

Commercials: Eveready alkaline. Eastern Airlines on overbooking. Someone tell United about this.

Promo: NBC will premiere "Brothers and Sisters" after the game. It's apparently a ripoff of Animal House. It's off the air for good by the first week of April.

3rd and 3 from the Pittsburgh 10, Staubach on a play action pass, OH NO JACKIE SMITH. HE DROPPED A EASY TOUCHDOWN. Smith had zero catches in the 1978 regular season, now he has zero catches in the Super Bowl. Dallas settles for a field goal. 21-17 Pittsburgh, late third quarter.

Third and long, Bradshaw throws on the run, hits Theo Bell for a first down. Bradshaw gets absolutely decked on the play. OL Gerry Mullins also injured. Steve Courson in to replace Mullins.

Danny White warming up on the Cowboys' sideline. (As a passer, not a punter.)

Third and 10, Cowboys blitz and sack Bradshaw. They force a punt, which may not happen before the quarter ends. Nope, looks like it will happen. Huge kick inside the 10, nice return from Butch Johnson out to the 26 or so.

Commercial: IBM. They can fit more than 64,000 bits on a quarter-inch chip. Owens Corning insulation.

Promo: Hello, Larry!

FOURTH QUARTER

Third and long, Staubach lofts a flare pass to Dorsett. Not a great throw, but Dorsett makes a nice play to grab it and run for a first down.

Later in the drive, Greene knocks down a Staubach pass on another third and long, and Danny White comes on for his fifth punt of the day. Pins the Steelers inside their 10. Unfortunately for Dallas, White hesitates to let his coverage get downfield before he kicks the ball, and that's a violation of the rules. After the next punt, Pittsburgh takes over at their own 14. Nice open-field tackle from Hollywood Henderson.

Commercial: Dodge Omni 024. It has rack and pinion steering. Now a Lowenbrau commercial. Tonight, let it be Lowenbrau. United Airlines.

Pittsburgh averaging 6.5 yards a play on first down, Dallas 1.8 yards.

Third and 8, Bradshaw to Grossman right at the first down marker. Nice field awareness from Grossman to keep the drive going.

Bradshaw throws deep, cornerback Barnes slips and falls, tripping Lynn Swann. Pass interference is called. Probably the right call, but terrible luck. First and 10 inside the Dallas 25.

Third and 9, Steelers run it up the middle with Harris, who takes it all the way to the end zone. Pittsburgh fans wave their Dirty Towels. 28-17 Steelers, mid-fourth quarter.

Commercial: Avis rental cars. Super Saver rates. Coke. Coke adds life.

What in the heck was that? Ensuing squib kickoff goes to Randy White, who fails to pick up the ball. Apparently he has a cast on his hand. Why is a defensive lineman with a broken hand on a kick return team? Anyway, Pittsburgh recovers inside the 20. That's just crazy.

Next play, Bradshaw to Swann, wide open in the end zone. A bit overthrown, but a great catch by Swann for a score. Brodie suggests it's one of the great catches of all time. It's really good, but that's a bit much. It's 35-17 Pittsburgh after they score two touchdowns in 11 seconds.

Bradshaw goes over 300 passing yards. First time in his NFL career.

Commercial: Schlitz. "Beer makes it good, Schlitz makes it great." Dodge Omni 024. "Aerodynamically more slippery than Corvette". So that's something.

Cowboys called for clipping on the runback. Starting from deep in their own territory. Third and 11, Staubach slaloms his way through the defense for a first down. He has 36 yards on 4 rushes.

Staubach hits Drew Pearson on an intermediate route. Dallas is out near midfield. Pittsburgh appears to be playing a bit safer on defense.

Dorsett draw gets to the Steeler 27. Ron Johnson with the rarely seen head tackle. NBC says Dorsett has 99 yards in 16 carries.

Staubach to Dupree on the sideline at the 16. Cowboys looking dangerous, though they need to somehow score 18 points.

Terry Bradshaw unanimously named MVP. Olsen interjects that Dallas has not conceded this game.

Short pass to Dupree, who gets into the end zone. Quick and easy drive by the Cowboys to make it 35-24. 2:27 left in the game.

Commercials: Pan Am Airlines. Master lock. Rifle shoots through a lock, which still works.

Dallas onside kick works. Goes through Tony Dungy's hands, Dennis Thurman recovers.

Olsen plays the "team that loses should still be proud card". Sure, but that doesn't make it hurt less.

Staubach to Pearson near the Steeler 30. Two minute warning.

Commercial: Dodge St. Regis. It gets 17 MPG! Schlitz.

Staubach sacked. Gowdy brings up the Jackie Smith drop. 1:39 left in the game.

Complete short pass to Dorsett, who doesn't even try to get out of bounds. 1:00 left.

4th and 18. Dallas converts. Nice pass to Drew Pearson inside the 15.

Brodie: "This baby is not over yet."

Things are getting a bit scrappy on the field. A bit of pushing and shoving.

Underneath pass to Dorsett, who gets inside the 5 and makes it to the sideline. 0:32 left, ball at the Steeler 4.

Staubach falls as he throws, Preston Pearson falls as he tries to make the catch, it's incomplete.

Next play: Staubach to Butch Johnson for the TD. 35-31, with another onside kick on its way. 22 seconds left.

Brodie: "I've seen a lot of things happen in 22 seconds."

NBC promo: Sweepstakes. Fridays on the new NBC. It's apparently a drama about how winning a million dollars affects people.

Onside kick: Rocky Bleier recovers it for Pittsburgh. That just about does it, barring a miracle.

1st down, Bradshaw doesn't kneel, he falls over on his back and lays there. Timeout, Cowboys. 0:17 left. 2nd down, again Bradshaw takes the snap and turtles. Dallas has no timeouts left. It's over.

Brodie: In defense of Jackie Smith, one play in the third quarter isn't the entire ballgame.

Final score: Steelers 35, Cowboys 31

Gowdy calls this the best Super Bowl ever.

This, apparently, was Gowdy's final broadcast for NBC. The network traded him to CBS for Don Criqui.

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye

[watchingthesuperbowl]

Notes taken during Super Bowl III

PREGAME

It rained yesterday, good weather today.

Curt Gowdy: "They could have sold 150,000 tickets for this game."

Gowdy: Namath's guarantee gave Colts motivation.

NBC showing highlights from NFL and AFL championship games. Jets beat Oakland 27-23, Colts beat Cleveland 34-0. First time Browns shut out since 1958.

In nine of last ten games, Colts haven't allowed a touchdown until they're at least 17 points ahead.

Billy Ray Smith (BAL): Jets have a good offensive line. I think I see some weaknesses, but we'll have to see if we can take advantage.

Gerry Philbin (NY): Normally responsible for outside containment, but Morrall doesn't run much.

Bubba Smith (BAL): Namath sets deeper in the pocket than anyone we've faced, has one of the quickest releases of any QB. I've overrun a lot of QBs coming off the corner, maybe it's a good thing he drops back so far. If Namath is at all predictable, it's that he throws long bomb often and accurately.

Kyle Rote (NBC) analyzes Jets: Namath is controversial, exciting, and most of all talented.

Al DeRogatis (NBC) analyzes Colts: Unitas not starting, but will be ready if needed.

FIRST QUARTER:

Wind blowing across field, perhaps favoring Colts but not very much.

Jets receive opening kickoff. Mass shift on first play to unbalanced line right, then run left (weakside) for 4 yards.

All-NFL safety Rick Volk injured on second play.

Jets have to punt after 1st and 10 stuffed run wide, 2nd and long complete swing pass for a few yards, 3rd and medium draw play stuffed. Balt jumps offside, leaves fourth and less than a yard at NY 40, Jets punt anyway.

Colts lining up John Mackey in the backfield, then shifting him to TE. Happened on first two plays, both of which gained chunks of yardage. Two plays, two first downs. Baltimore offense going wide very successfully.

Morrall generally looking to tight ends when he passes. Colts frequently playing with two TEs on field.

Jet pass rush looking strong. Philbin regularly getting penetration. On third down, Morrall makes a couple of great moves to avoid a sack, gets back to line for no gain. Doesn't matter, though; Lou Michaels misses a chip shot 27 yard field goal.

Gerry Philbin spent as much time in the Colts' backfield as Earl Morrall.

NY Maynard has BAL Logan beaten deep, Namath overshoots an open receiver. Namath had low (49%) completion rate in '68, largely because he went deep constantly.

Jets forced to punt. Timmy Brown with a nice return before he's decked by Matt Snell. So far, Baltimore has looked like the better team. New York offense sputtering a bit.

Speaking of sputtering offense, a wide-open Mackey drops a well thrown pass from Morrall on first down. After a short second down run, Morrall goes deep on third down, essentially a one-on-one jump ball, it falls incomplete and the Colts will punt. Unimpressive kick rolls well, about 20 yards, downed at NY 3 yard line.

Jets throw on 3rd and 1 from own 13, quick pass, BAL Lenny Lyles decks NY George Sauer immediately after the catch, Colts recover on Jets 12. I'm not sure that should have been ruled a catch, but replay challenges weren't a thing back then. Anyway, Colts with the ball in dangerous field position.

SECOND QUARTER

Third down, Morrall pass hits receiver Tom Mitchell on the shoulder pad in the end zone, ball pops up, Jets pick it off. Touchback, crisis averted.

Jets successfully running weakside. Matt Snell chewing up yardage. Colts struggling to come up with an answer.

Namath throws into the middle of three defenders on 1st and 10 from own 46. Very fortunate not to be intercepted.

Third down, Namath rifles it downfield to Sauer. It's high, but the receiver goes up and gets it. First down at the BAL 35.

Volk back in the game after first quarter injury.

Colts blitz, Namath reads it and flips it to Snell who gets inside the 10. Fumbles the ball, but recovers his own fumble.

Snell runs weakside again for 4 yard TD. Jets up 7-0.

NY scoring drive: Snell, Snell, Snell, Snell, incomplete, Mathis, Sauer, Sauer, Boozer, Snell, Snell, Snell. Baltimore's going to see Matt Snell in their nightmares for years after this.

First play after the touchdown, Morrall throws deep into double coverage. Incomplete, thrown out of bounds. Next play, another pass in the flats to a running back, Matte rumbles for 30.

Third down, Mackey again drops a catchable ball. Michaels comes out to try another field goal, misses badly. Still 7-0.

Gowdy says game's being shown via satellite in Mexico, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, and Canada. It's blacked out in Miami and therefore not available in the Bahamas. "They watch a lot of sports over there in the Bahamas on Miami television." Game will be shown at midnight in Miami.

Namath pump fakes, gets his receiver a half-step on the cornerback, and hits Sauer over the shoulder on the dead run. Gain of 35. Great throw, maybe an even better catch.

Snell still chewing off chunks of yardage running to the weak side. Has already equaled the Super Bowl single-game record: 62 rushing yards.

Namath misses wide-open Bake Turner on a slant. His first bad throw of the day, provided you don't count the throw into triple coverage earlier in the second quarter.

Jim Turner misses field goal attempt wide left, still 7-0. Four minutes or so left in the half.

Matte with a huge run, the longest run of the year by the Colts. 58 yards, down inside the Jets' 20. Once again, Baltimore threatening.

Two plays later, Morrall throws into traffic, picked off by Johnny Sample at the NY 2 yard line. Once again, the Colts botch a scoring opportunity.

Jets keeping it on the ground, trying to run clock and end the half.

Colts haven't been shut out in the first half of any game all season. Stay tuned.

NBC runs promo for AFL All-Star Game, live from Jacksonville, Florida.

Offsetting penalties on Jets' punt from inside the end zone. It burns seven seconds, now the clock is under 1:00. As far as New York's concerned, they can keep doing this until the clock runs out.

Colts run flea flicker on 2nd and 9 from Jets 41. Handoff to Matte going right, laterals cross-field to Morrall, who doesn't see Jimmy Orr all alone for what could have been a huge game-tying touchdown. Instead, Morrall goes down the middle and is picked off, his third interception of the first half. There was nobody within 15 yards of Orr, who could have walked into the end zone.

HALFTIME

NBC interview with Bob Hope. Hope talks a lot about Ohio. Mentions Snell and Matte are Ohio State guys, then says he flew down with Governor Rhodes. Says "I wanna tell you" a few thousand times.

Bob wants to tell you.

THIRD QUARTER

Colts receive opening kickoff. NBC shows first half stats: Morrall 5-15 with 3 interceptions.

First play: Tom Matte up the middle, decent gain but fumbles. Jets recover, get great field position.

Unitas warming up on Colts sidelines. Might we see Johnny U?

Jets drive: Boozer, Snell, Boozer, flare pass to Snell, Snell, Boozer, sack, incomplete pass on 3rd and 24, field goal. Not difficult to see what the plan is: Run clock, don't do anything crazy, take what you're given. Credit to Namath on the sack; you can see he thought about throwing it away, but didn't want to risk a turnover.

Speaking of risking a turnover, that pass on 3rd and 24 would have been a pick six, but Jerry Logan dropped it. Very risky throw. One play after the Logan drop, the Jets kick a field goal. Ten-point swing there. Instead of being 7-7, it's now 10-0 Jets.

Might we see Unitas? Maybe, but not right now. Morrall comes out with the offense for next Colts drive....which promptly goes three and out. Unitas still warming up.

Namath picking apart Baltimore's defense. Sauer up the seam for 14. Later in the drive, Namath to Lammons across the middle for 11. Then Namath to Snell across the middle, down to the Colts 24. Completion to Snell ties Super Bowl record: 16 complete passes.

MVP will win a Dodge Charger RT. Nice car.

Namath goes deep to Don Maynard. Makes a fantastic catch, but lands out of bounds, out the back of the end zone. Just a fun-to-watch incomplete pass. Is Namath hurt? Walks toward the sideline shaking his right hand. Babe Parilli in at quarterback. Uh-oh. Parilli throws incomplete pass on third down, then holds for a Jim Turner field goal. 13-0 Jets.

Namath looks okay on the sideline, is on the phone talking to coaches. Gowdy eventually reports that it's a slight sprain of his right thumb.

Ensuing kickoff hits the crossbar. Near. Dead ball, touchback.

Hey, look, it's Johnny Unitas. Morrall's day is presumably (and thankfully) over. Unitas gets huge ovation from Miami fans as he enters the game.

Color commentator (Rote?) says Unitas may still be injured and possibly can't throw deep. Unitas wobbles an intermediate pass to Orr, incomplete. Another punt.

Jets get the ball with two minutes or so left in third quarter. Things are getting desperate for Baltimore.

Namath goes deep down the sideline looking for Sauer, just misses.

Another deep shot to Sauer, this time it's a perfect pass and a nice catch. Nice move by Sauer to get open. Ball on the Colts' 10 now. If things were desperate before, they're even more so now. Third quarter ends with the Jets on the Colts' 6, holding a 13-0 lead. A touchdown would likely put it away.

FOURTH QUARTER

Snell and Mathis up the middle, can't get into the end zone. Here comes Jim Turner to try a 9 yard field goal to make it a three-score game. Sharp angle from the left hash. Nails it. 16-0.

Preston Pearson drops ensuing kickoff, screws up coverage team's timing and returns for 32 yards.

Colts methodically marching down the field. Pass to Mackey for 5, Matte run for 7, pass to Richardson for 5. New York DB Johnny Sample gets into scrap on Baltimore sideline with Colts TE Tom Mitchell. No flags, which was probably the right (non-) call.

More Colts offense: Matte runs for 19, Jerry Hill runs for 12. Suddenly the Colts are on the Jets' 25. They can't screw this one up too, can they?

Yep. They sure can. Unitas telegraphs a long pass to Orr in the end zone, Randy Beverly steps in front for New York's fourth interception of the day.

Strap in for a bunch of run plays. Weeb Ewbank was no dummy. Clock inside 10 minutes now. Boozer, Snell, Boozer, Snell, Snell, Boozer, Mathis. Don Shula looks on helplessly. Seven minutes left in the game, Jim Turner comes on for yet another field goal, trying to make it 19-0. He does no such thing. Kick fades left and misses wide.

Several minutes of the ensuing Colts drive are missing from my copy of the game. Dammit. We pick things up with Baltimore having driven to the Jets' 15. Second and ten, Unitas hits Jimmy Orr on a curl down to the 4. New York's Al Atkinson clobbers Orr ridiculously late, which gets flagged. Doesn't matter much - it's a two-yard penalty with the Jets up 16 points and less than five minutes remaining.

Colts trying to punch it in via goal line, up-the-middle runs. Unitas sneak stopped short. Less than four minutes. No hurry, guys. Take your time.

Baltimore's offensive coordinator Tardy Turtle prepares the next play.

Matte up the middle again. Stuffed. Baltimore playing with all the speed of a lame tortoise. Eventually, Jerry Hill gets in with 3:19 left. AFL's two-point conversion is not an option in this game, so they kick. 16-7 Jets.

Curt Gowdy says the Colts may try an onside kick. You think?

Gowdy teases coverage of President Johnson's farewell State of the Union address.

Jets line up as if they've never heard of an onside kick. Five guys across the field. Baltimore recovers, largely because they have more than twice as many people attempting to get the ball.

Baltimore's Rick Volk injured, perhaps seriously, on the kickoff. Teammates literally drag his body off the field, running as if they're field medics in a war zone. He later had a seizure and spent the night in the hospital.

This is what NFL medical care looked like in 1968.

Unitas leading hurry-up drive - referred to as a "quick lineup". Colts inside the 20. Are they actually in this game?

Baltimore goes for it on fourth down instead of kicking the field goal to make it a six-point game. They don't get it. Incomplete pass, nowhere near receiver. Time for more Jets running plays up the middle.

New York's drive: Snell up the middle, Baltimore timeout (two remaining), Snell off tackle, Baltimore timeout (one remaining), Snell off tackle, two minute warning, Snell up the middle, delay of game, Snell up the middle, delay of game, Snell off tackle, Baltimore timeout. 15 seconds left in the game as the Jets line up to punt.

Great hang time, Brown catches it with 9 seconds left, steps out with 8 seconds left. This one's over. Unitas still throwing, but he knows as well as everybody else that it's futile. 16-7 final.

POSTGAME

Namath named MVP.

Jets win $15,000 each, Colts win $7,500 each.