#anyways anyone whose already been to their concert already I am so jealous of you and please please please let me know

[me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink]

can anybody help a g*rl out and drop the bit tour merch prices??

[dandelionroots-blog1]

Beggining

17.9.17   

 It all started in 8th grade. There was a boy who I thought I loved. But how could I know what was love? I didn't and I still don't know.But I know I had strange feelings for him. It was weird because you cant know how it should be in 8th grade. You can not know people nor their will. He was interested in me but he didn't love me. He had other girls too. We were dating but not properly dating and you cant date properly when you are 14. But it was something for that age. I got cheated on. He didn't have the same feelings as I had for him. Like it was all lies and he didn't love me but used me. I still think of him wonder how is he wasting his valuable life. When I got cheated on for the first time, of course, I didn't know what to do. I even didn't know how human relationships should be. I've never seen it at home. My mother was struggling with her depression about the divorce and my father was a hard man and I wasn't seeing him much at that time. I was raised on my own. I had my imaginary friends(whose I still have and it drives me crazy actually) and when I was alone I was playing with them and talking with them. It was good because we didn't fight for long even if we did they would act the way I want them to act. they didn't have their own opinions and thoughts. everything was as I wanted. But in real life, it doesn't happen that way. People can think and they have things to say different than you can think. It was the first time I realized that real life was full of struggles. they don't always love you they don't act like the way you want them to and you cannot control them. When I learned about my lovely boyfriend did I was disappointed. I wouldn't expect something like this from him(actually he was the first person to expect it from). I didn't know what to do my social skills was already bad and I had to deal with this boy. But I didn't. ' didn't deal with him I just let it go. but it hurt me inside because I really trusted him and he betrayed me. When I was at the high school first year I used anti-depressants. I was in a bad condition and my puberty was hard. I cut myself I wanted to die every day and I cried every night. I really wanted to kill myself but I was too afraid of a second failure. And I tried to think about something that will pass my time easily. I was telling myself that I am a worm and I am living nothin much more. it went well for a period but then I realized worms cannot think. we are humans not worms we can think and we do it without concurs. With thinking, time wasn't passing it was like being in hell bad thoughts and slow time. once the time was so slow that five munites felt like a year, a year full of suicide thoughts and how I cannot stand. that year I dated with two boys(only counted serious ones). I wasn't talking that time because my voice was annoying me and I thought I was annoying others and I didn't want to say stupid things(everything on my mind was stupid then). The first boy left me showing cause of my silence(but then he said he was too afraid of falling in love-maybe he had some other girls who knows-). The other boy cheated on me in front of me. He wasn't someone special to me but being cheated on makes you think that you are not enough or you are dumb enough to get cheated on and maybe you are not that precious. The second year of high school was still a hell. I didn't talk with people so much and I hated boys. In the middle of the second year, I started to date with my old boyfriend who left me because of my silence. We had good and bad times. at first, I couldn't love him and he was feeling guilty about it. It took me one year to love him(maybe I didn't really but I felt things). Despite loving him I've never trusted him I couldn't. While dating him he was too jealous and made me close my social accounts and not talk with boys. I did whatever he wants. I didn't talk with boys on third-year I wasn't even laughing at my classmates jokes, I wasn't making any eye contact deleted most of my social media accounts or didn't use them much. But I wasn't like him I was jealous but I couldn't restrict him I didn't want to too. but even when I wanted he convinced me somehow and I thought it was a silly idea but I did whatever he wants. The last year of my college he went to a concert, a concert he already had been and I didn't want him to go(of course I didn't force him), he came with bruises on his neck. the time I saw them was the beginning of questioning my love for him. I said he had bruises and he said he didn't. We were walking on a street and he couldn't see his neck but he insisted that there wasn't anything. he was believing himself so much almost I was going to apologize and say there wasn't anything I just made it or miss saw it. When we got home he looked at the mirror with a false shock and said he didn't remember something like this. I didn't dig it(this is the questioning if you love someone how could you not see something like this or maybe it was because of my lack of trust that I wasn't disappointed to get cheated on(again)). about 8 months later of our breakup i lived that moment again and realised how he was lying and acting like he was shooked. he knew about the bruises but he thought he could trick me that they are not there. when I realized this I thought that I must be the most naive person in the world(actually I wasn't buying it anyway). And now here i am still cannot trust men and cannot love them. I broke boys hearth too many times I thought maybe I could play a role but I couldn't because it was making me angry and I didn't want to be with them I didn't want to waste my time with stupid boys. for 2 times I thought I could love a boy but one of them didn't write me back (weeks later he wrote me again) and the other was not really my type and he was already in love with me and I got bored. Actually, I got bored with his jealousy because I didn't have any tolerance to any jealousy after living 3 years of it. but we are still playing pc games with him and I think he still thinks we are dating and he is still so much in love with me. I don't want t break his hearth but I don't know what to do actually, my social skills are still insufficient and I don't want to deal with peoples problems. i am not even dealing with mines yet and they expect me to help them or understand them. When I said him that it was over he begged to me for the last date and his eyes were full and I didn't want to break his heart actually I didn't want to be a bad bitch who uses people and throws them away but it is actually who I am. I forced myself to be good with him but it didn't last long I wanted to be me. My mind is like a war there are several kings fighting. Even if I want to I cannot explain my feelings or my thoughts to anyone. They change so quick even I cant catch up with them.