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legends-live-in-memories · 3 years

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Super-Rockin’ Wedding of the Century

AYO! Day 2 of MGI Trope Tussle! Team Enemies-to-Lovers for the win. I bring you another oneshot. but this time i used 3 prompts like a dumbass.

Fics Masterlist

Daminette Oneshot 4.3K words (no warnings except slight cursing)

Summary:

“Marinette is invited to the Super-Rockin' Wedding of the Century and she needs a date. Alya is both her best and worst wingman.”

Day 2 of MGI Trope Tussle, I used 3 prompts to make this thing: 1. "You don't have to like me, you just need to pretend you do." 2. "I like your costume. You look very cute." "Are you making fun of me?" 3. 'Write about a very unusual wedding proposal.' this is the culmination of all my efforts.

without further ado:

It was the biggest news on the internet. Global sensation, international rockstar, Jagged Stone, was officially engaged to childhood friend turned manager, Penny Rolling. Memes and fan theories stormed every corner of the web. Trending topics including #rockstar_wedding and #RollingStone permeated every social media platform. Guest lists were speculated, dress designers were tagged in every post that even mentioned the words ‘wedding’ or ‘bride’. It was total mayhem but none felt it worse than up-and-coming Parisian designer, M. D. Cheng, privately known as Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

The young adult was up to her neck in design templates, and was drowning in half-baked ideas and sketches. While the internet has only heard about the proposal for a solid two weeks at this point, Marinette was in the know for six months. Jagged Stone had contacted her in advance because he needed her help with the proposal itself.

And what a proposal it was.

Jagged had outlined his idea in simple terms but it was still so mind-boggling that Marinette needed him to draw some visual aids to completely convey his idea. Initially it sounded simple enough but the more the man spoke, the more Marinette felt her brain fry at the mental picture. It first involved recreating a scene from Penny’s favourite movie. Which sounded rather romantic, if you ignored the fact that her favourite movie was Bride of Chucky. Then it involved Jagged dressed as the Tinman from Wizard of Oz. Oh, and the proposal had to happen on Halloween because that was the anniversary of their first date apparently, and based on everything else this plan entailed it might as well have been. Marinette’s role in all of this was to simply re-make the white wedding dress Chucky’s bride, Tiffany, wore because Penny already had the leather jacket to match. Of course she did. She didn’t even want to know how Jagged acquired the Tinman suit. Not her barrel of monkeys.

While many thought Jagged was the eccentric one of the pair, due to his loud personality and being an actual rockstar, the more Marinette worked for the two of them over the years, the more she learned how absolutely wrong they all were. It turned out it was Penny’s idea for Jagged to dye his hair purple, and she was the one to ask him out on Halloween all those faithful years ago. Her calm and collected demeanor was an impressive cover for the absolute weirdo she actually was. And Jagged had planned a proposal that was undoubtedly perfect for her. Regardless of how abso-fucking-lutely bizarre it was.

To each their own and let’s move on.

The set-up for the proposal started with Jagged, dressed as the Tinman, playing the part of Chucky, who begins the body-switching chant from the movie. Everything from that point on was resting on Penny’s love for the movie. Without hesitating, Penny, dressed as Tiffany, and playing her part, knew the lines by heart and immediately began reenacting the scene with Jagged. Her lines involved telling ‘Chucky’ to kiss her while she reaches for a knife that’s supposed to be in his pocket. Instead, as Jagged was still dressed as the Tinman, Penny pulled out a slip of paper. On said paper, the words ‘All the Tinman wanted was a heart’ were written in Jagged’s almost illegible chicken scratch. When Penny was distracted with the piece of paper, Jagged had gotten down on one knee and pulled out the engagement ring. The actual words of his proposal were never actually said because, upon seeing the ring, Penny flung herself into the man, clipping her chin into his metal-plated shoulder, but she wasn’t complaining.

So that was how the proposal went.

Wedding planning started almost immediately since the newly engaged had already picked a theme. And this is where Marinette began to regret every life choice she has made since she was thirteen; starting with opening the mysterious box she found on her desk and ending with agreeing to being the main designer for the Rockin’ Wedding of the Century. One thing that wasn’t well-known but not a secret about Jagged was that he was a superhero fan. He grew up enjoying the fictional ones in his childhood comic books and he adored the real ones he witnessed in his adult life. His song that he dedicated to the teenage Ladybug was only one part of his… appreciation. His hero-worship went so far as to beieve that a hero-themed wedding was appropriate. Or he didn’t, but also didn’t care about adhering to societal propriety and went with that theme anyways. So the Rockin’ Wedding of the Century was now the Super-Rockin’ Wedding of the Century. And twenty-three year old Marinette was incharge of the entire wedding party’s outfits.

Perfect.

As a small mercy from some god, both the bride and groom to-be had a rather short list of people in their parties. Marinette was also able to design appropriate hero-themed outfits for all of them and scheduled them for fittings in the coming weeks. That, surprisingly, was the easy part as there were plenty of heroes to draw inspiration from. However, that wasn’t the cause of her current crisis right now.

No. Marinette was up to her neck in unnecessary designs and ideas because she’s been avoiding one particular contingency in her acceptance of the wedding invitation.

She needed a date.

She needed a date because she had promised Penny that she wasn’t overworking herself and to prove it, she would bring a date to the wedding. Rather than call any of the people who expressed interest in her at some point in time, she designated herself to wallow in her situation and distract herself with designs. In the midst of her one person pity party, her phone rang under the sea of ripped out pages. She scoured for the device and hastily answered before she could accidently send the caller to voicemail.

“Hello?” She didn’t check the caller ID and was delighted at the sound of her best friend answering her.

“Marinette! How’s it going over there?” Alya’s voice was mixed in with the busy street life of Metropolis. She had moved there immediately after high school, snatching an internship with the Daily Planet and attending the local community college. She and Marinette don’t call often due to time differences, but when they do it’s like they’ve never parted. She always looked forward to her calls.

“It’s going great, Als,” if she ignored her current dilemma, then yeah, everything was perfect. “But you wouldn’t happen to have an available bachelor willing to be my date to the ‘Super-Rockin’ Wedding of the Century’ in your back pocket, would you?”

Alya’s answering laugh was both comforting and teasing and Marinette felt herself missing her even more. What she said next, however, took Marinette by surprise.

“Actually I do.”

“Pardon?”

“Well,” she took a pause to build suspense. “I know a guy who knows a guy. But it’s nothing shady, I swear.”

“That’s not comforting.” Oh god. What has she unintentionally signed herself up for?

“You know my coworker, Jon? The guy who does the photography for all my field work?” Alya had met Jon as soon as she had started her internship. Both of his parents were top journalists at the Daily Planet so he volunteered to act as tour guide for all the new interns. He and Alya, from the exasperated stories Marinette has heard from Nino, got along like a house on fire. If he was involved, Marinette was starting to doubt even further that this was going to end well for her.

“Yes, I know Jon. How is he by the way?”

“He’s fine, but I remember him telling me how he tried to set up his best friend on several dates over the years and how they all ended poorly. He’s as approachable as a brick wall; not just a prick but the whole damn cactus. Or so Jon says.” How does that sound like someone Marinette wanted to bring along with her to the wedding? “But he’s totally your type so I could ask Jon to wrap him up in bubblewrap and send him your way whenever you want.”

“How,” and Marinette said this with a lot of feeling, “is he my type exactly?”

“Green eyes with daddy issues.”

“ALYA!” Marinette was absolutely floored at her bluntness. She wasn’t even sorry about shouting into the receiver.

“Am I wrong? You have a type and he fits that type. Jon mentioned how this guy and his dad hit several roadblocks when they first met. And I’ve seen pictures of him so ‘green eyes’ checks too.”

“That is not my type of guy.” She can’t believe this was how this conversation was going.

“Adrien.”

“I didn’t even know who his father was at the time, Alya.”

“Felix.”

“His dad is dead! That doesn’t count as ‘daddy issues.’” She can feel her cheeks flaming as the call went on. Any hotter and she was going to set her sketchbooks on fire. “Besides, I dated Luka so he doesn’t fit the criteria.”

“He’s an outlier and that’s only because his eyes are blue.” Okay, fine she had a type. “And besides, you don’t even have to date the guy. You only need him to accompany you to the wedding and you both go your separate ways after. No harm, no foul.”

Right. That was true. No strings attached. She could do that.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but,” she held her breath and let it out loudly, ignoring Alya’s chuckle at her dramatics.” Give Jon my number to give this guy. And send his number to me.”

“Wahoo! Look at you, girl,” Alya was hooting and hollering over the speaker and Marinette found herself going along with the theatrics. “Okay, I will. But I gotta go, my cab is here. Bye!”

“Bye! Stay safe. Oh before you go, what’s Jon’s friend’s name anyways?”

“Uh, Damian, I think.” The call ended before Marinette could respond, but it was okay she mused. Tossing her phone onto her couch, she flopped down onto her floor and stared at her ceiling contemplatively.

What could go wrong?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Alya had described this Damian guy as ‘not just a prick but the whole damn cactus,’ she was right. Marinette had been texting back and forth with Damian for a month, and the guy was making this idea seem less and less worth it by the day. Whenever Marinette tried to learn more about the guy, he would ghost her for days on end before replying with a half-assed response at best. She knew nothing about him other than that his first name was Damian and that he was from Gotham. She had no idea how the ball of life that was Jon was even friends with someone like Damian. She asked as much to Alya in their most recent call.

“How did they even meet?” She was pacing the floor plan of her apartment, ready to tear her hair out. “Did Damian bully him in school or something?”

“Apparently their dads knew each other and introduced them,” Alya sounded half awake, stifling a yawn; probably because Marinette had called her at 1 am, Metropolis’s time. “Their brothers being friends also forced them to get along.”

“And that’s another thing!” Marinette had paused in her pacing and was now staring intently at a potted plant in the corner of her living room. Any more rage in her glare and the plant would have wilted and died. “He doesn’t tell me anything about him. I don’t need to know all his personal information, but if he’s going to be flying out to Paris on my behalf, I think I at least deserve to know his last name.”

“Hey, M,” another yawn echoed through the speaker, “I love you, truly, but maybe this could wait for holier day time hours?”

“I guess,” a vindictive part of Marinette felt like this was payback for all those inopportune calls when Marinette was busy with clients. “Sorry for interrupting your sleep.”

“It’s no big deal. But have you tried talking to him about it? If he’s ghosting your texts, try calling him. If he ignores you then too then maybe you should try finding another person to be your plus one.”

“The wedding is in two weeks, Alya!” Marinette partially regrets waiting so long to vent her frustration about the situation but she had tried to tough it out. “I would have much preferred if you were my plus one. You sure there’s no way to convince your parents to skip out on the family trip?”

“Sorry, M. Once the news about the proposal hit the internet, I tried everything. I even tried to use work, saying that I could cover the ceremony for the newspaper. My folks won’t budge though. My dad’s aunt is important to him and he wants us all at the funeral.”

“Right, right, I forgot about that.” Now she felt like an ass. “Send you dad my condolences when you see him again.”

“Will do. Good morning, Marinette. And don’t worry too much about the guy. Everything will turn up great. I can feel it.”

“Thanks, Alya. Good night, get some sleep.”

The line went dead and Marinette let out a rather weary exhale. She had no idea how this was going to work. She pulled up her contacts and searched for what she had Damian saved as.

‘Douche’ flashed on her screen and she hit the call button without remorse. She didn’t care that it was also currently 1 am in Gotham. He didn’t deserve that much consideration from her.

“What?” His voice was gravely and deep. And also really pissed if his clipped tone was anything to go by.

“Damian? Hi, this is Marinette, the girl you’re accompanying to the wedding in two weeks?” Her voice was pitched as if she was dealing with an irritating customer. Fake and polite.

“I know who you are. Why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour?” Fair, but Marinette was still aggravated at him so she wouldn’t concede.

“I’m calling because we need to talk.” She heard him scoff over the line and she felt her blood boil even hotter. She took several calming breaths to reign her temper in. “Don’t hang up.”

“Look,” She didn’t give him a chance to refuse and kept talking, getting everything off her chest. “This wedding is important to me and I promised the bride I would bring a date. After that you can delete my number and we never have to speak to each other ever. You don’t have to like me, you just need to pretend you do.”

“Whatever,” he sounded less annoyed from when he first answered the phone. “I will act as cordial as the situation requires, and nothing more. I also have my attire secured for the wedding and accommodations in Paris already prepared. I will see you at the wedding.”

“Than—” The sound of the call ending interrupted her and her frustration was back tenfold. With a cry in anguish she flung her phone onto her couch and stomped into her kitchen to channel her rage into baking.

Three loaves of bread and a dozen eclairs later, Marinette felt calm enough to finish the final touches on her outfit for the wedding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the day of the Super-Rockin’ Wedding of the Century. The Rolling-Stone’s, as they were asking to be called, had kept the ceremony small. Relatively. Only two hundred invited guests, few of which were asked to bring a plus one. Marinette was over the moon at the array of outfits people were sporting. Some chose full-on cosplay while others, like herself, went for more subtle nods to the heroes. In honour of a previous Ladybug, Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons, Marinette based her outfit off of Wonder Woman’s uniform, Hippolyta’s daughter. A navy blue sequined halter top bodice that flows into a blood red A-line skirt. She paired it with a thick silver belt, silver gladiator heels rather than boots and broad silver arm cuffs. It was simple but effective. Besides, all attention should be on the bride and groom today.

A tap on her shoulder caught her attention and she turned only to come face first with red with black spots. Ladybug. Someone chose her as inspiration. How flattering. Looking up to see who was wearing the Ladybug-themed suit jacket, she stared at a pair of deep forest green eyes and a sneer to ruin that ridiculously handsome face. She recognized him from the photo Alya had sent some time ago. Damian.

“Hi, Damian,” at least one of them had to be civil and Marinette knew it was going to be her. But the idea that of all the heroes for him to choose from he chose her sent her into poorly stifled fits of giggling. Images of him going ‘Lucky Charm’ and ‘Miraculous Ladybug’ were almost too much to bear.

“I don’t know what’s so amusing about my choice of attire,” his face was starting to flush in similar shades to his jacket and that made Marinette laugh harder. “Ladybug is a well respected heroine and I thought it appropriate to pay homage while in her home city.”

“No. No no. There is nothing wrong with it. I like your costume, you look very cute.”

“Are you making fun of me?” His irritation was rather cathartic for the still giggling woman.

“No, I just didn’t think you would have put that much thought into your outfit for today. You always gave me the impression that you were ready to back out at any time.”

“I made a commitment and I had all intentions to see it through the end.”

“Could have fooled me.” And her snark was back. Now was not the time to pick a fight with the guy, he did fly all the way to Paris on her behalf after all.

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” and Marinette wanted to know how he managed to sound so condescending with that statement. “How did you even get an invitation to this wedding anyways? You’re not a celebrity and you don’t look like family either.”

“Actually,” she said it with more force than what was probably necessary but his slightly accusatory tone was just so irritating. “I am the lead designer for the wedding party,” her chest was swimming with confidence at the chance to talk about her job. “I’ve worked with the bride and groom for years; M. D. Cheng, Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Marinette will deny to her grave the rush of satisfaction at the absolute gobsmacked look on Damian’s face. A real fish out of water. Mouth open wide ready to catch flies. She wished she could capture this moment forever.

The moment was over too soon because Damian was regaining his composure and slipping into his default stoic expression. He cleared his throat and fixed a look at Marinette. It was rather intense.

“I believe I owe you an apology then.” He looked put-out at admitting something so menial. “I believed you were nothing more than a socialite chain climber.”

“A what?”

“When Jon reached out to me saying that a friend of one of his coworkers needed a date for an event, and when that event turned out to be the wedding of someone of such popularity, I figured you were only trying to increase your own social status by showing up with me on your arm.”

“And you said ‘yes’ anyways?” Marinette was confused but pieces of the mystery that is Damian were starting to fit in place. But something else stuck out as odd to her. “Also, how would you being my date increase my social status anyhow?”

He scoffs before answering. Bitch.

“What? It wouldn’t be the first time one of Jon’s set-ups ended that way. Besides, we’ve had an agreement that I can’t turn down an offer until meeting the person face to face.” Weird deal but some friendships are just like, Marinette supposes. “And being seen with me is enough to make anyone more popular.”

“...And you are?”

“Damian… Wayne…” He spoke as if he was talking to a small child. As if it should be obvious who he was like he was some celeb— Oh shit.

A name had flashed into her mind. On the finalised guest list, Marinette had only seen it once in passing, there was a name that belonged to someone Jagged was rather excited to see. He said the friend was an old college buddy. She remembered that much. She had completely forgotten that ‘a billionaire playboy’ was also attached to the name. Damian was the son of Bruce Wayne. Suddenly everything in the past few months made perfect sense. The cold shoulder, the ghosting, and his prickly disposition. He was overly guarded because he had justified reasons to be. Now she felt like an ass.

“Oh.” Real intelligent, Marinette.

“Oh? What, you didn’t know?” He sounded incredulous at the notion and he had every right to be. Marinette could only shake her head. Words were failing her now, her brain trying to rewrite the memories of every interaction the two ever had.

She was saved from further mortification by a call for everyone to find their seats. The wedding was about to begin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ceremony was beautiful. Penny’s dress was a silver grey, tied back with a golden belt. Instead of a long train, Marinette had attached a black cape that shimmered in the right lighting. Penny wore a tiara with two peaks to imitate the ‘bat-ears.’ A Batman-themed wedding dress was not something she ever saw herself making, but she was proud at how beautiful and confident Penny looked in it. Jagged was adorn in a royal blue suit with bold red lapels. He also had a matching red cape. His hair was styled in the familiar sleek way Superman wears it. The two made quite the pair.

The reception was a lively affair. Jagged had dedicated several songs to his new wife and they dazzled the crowd on the dance floor. Marinette didn’t pay much attention to the speeches beyond a quick glance at Damian when his own father stepped up to the podium. He had buried his head in his hands, looking like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole. A courtesy pat on the back was all Marinette gave to him.

The two hadn’t really spoken much since the revelation that they had completely misjudged each other. The awkward tension was almost palpable. As Marinette was gathering the courage to speak to him, to try and officially clear the air, she was being dragged by one of the bridesmaids onto the dancefloor. It was time for the bride to throw the bouquet. All the unmarried women were being corralled into a tight cluster and Marinette got swept up in the tide.

Marinette wasn’t focusing on the actual game, trying her hardest not to get trampled, when she saw something move in her periphery. Years of being Ladybug had left her with finely honed instincts so she could not be blamed when she immediately jumped and caught the incoming object. The bouquet. She had caught the bouquet. Oh that was just her luck. Deafening squeals of delight brought her out of her own head and she was suddenly being embraced in Penny’s arms. She returned the hug, sharing in her delight, before breaking away to sit down.

“Nice catch.” His voice had surprised her, she hadn’t expected him to speak to her for the rest of the night.

“Uh, thank you. Just lucky, I guess.” Damian didn’t get the chance to respond because he was being dragged by his own father to join all the bachelors in catching the garter. Marinette was equally uninterested in this spectacle and had let her mind wander to other things.

A loud uproar caught her attention again and her eyes zeroed in on Damian holding the tossed garter. He made his way back over to her, dropping himself into his seat gracelessly. The two sat in silence, contemplating the implications of them both catching the garter and bouquet. The games were done purely for tradition’s sake, with total disregard of what it was supposed to symbolise. Still. One’s mind couldn’t help but wander. Minutes ticked passed and Marinette was beginning to wonder if someone was going to talk about the elephant in the room.

“So,” Damian’s voice was slightly strained, like he wasn’t used to being this flustered. It was kind of endearing. Wait what?

“So.”

“While marriage seems far out of reach for right now,” Oh god. He was going to talk about it. “How does dinner sound, next Friday?”

“Wait,” he wanted to spend more time with her? After their disastrous first impressions? “Really?”

“Really. I believe we started off on the wrong foot,” he let out a soft chuckle, almost self-deprecating. “Which isn’t really new for me, but it’s not everyday I meet someone who doesn’t recognise me at first glance. I think you’re someone who I would like to get to know better. If that is something you are also interested in.”

“Yeah,” Marinette knows all about wanting to get acquainted with someone who she’s had a bad first impression of. Just look at her past relationships. Wow, she really does have a type. Damning thoughts for later. “Friday works for me. Seven pm?”

“Perfect. I’ll text you the details then.”

“Wonderful, I can’t wait.”

The rest of the evening was spent in companionable silence with small bouts of conversation in between. They shared a couple dances on the floor and parted ways at the end of the night with budding anticipation for Friday.

As Marinette was preparing for bed that night in the comfort of her apartment, she sent a text to Alya that her friend would see later in the day.

You were right, I do have a type :(

#maribat #daminette #maridami #mgi trope tussle #mgi- server event #enemies to lovers #speedrun #i #like a dumbass challenged myself to use three prompts and i delivered #i hope #i hope yall enjoy #tumblr do me a solid #dont hide my posts #please #im begging #ml x dc #mlb x dc #tumblr please stop hiding my posts #no beta this is tussle

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ace-trainer-risu · 3 years

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oh here! i’ll come ask you for book recs lol. do you have any spooky and/or autumn-y book recs? or just your fave books :)

First of all, I'm sorry this took me SO long to answer. I want to say I've been busy but it's just been general [waves hand vaguely] life.

ANYWAY thank you for asking! I actually don't read scary stuff a lot b/c I'm a wimp, but I have a few spooky/autumnal books up my sleeves! Let's see what we've got!!

1) The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters

Let me just start by saying that Sarah Waters is one of my absolute favorite authors ever! All her novels are suspenseful, twisty historical novels with great female and queer characters. Although, fair warning, actually The Little Stranger is like her one novel that isn't queer, but it is VERY good. If you read The Little Stranger and like it, please read Fingersmith and/or The Paying Guests.

The Little Stranger is set in the countryside of post-WWII England and follows a mild-mannered doctor as he becomes increasingly involved in the lives of the family living in the local, increasingly decrepit, possibly haunted mansion. Think Downton Abbey but creepy. Strange things keep happening inside the house, from dog bites to mysterious sounds to creepy black spots. Literally just typing that gave me goosebumps. It seems like someone may be out to get the family, but who...or what? Is it simply the ghosts of their own painful memories, or is something more? Sarah Waters is excellent at lush, intricate historical detail, and she leans into that here to create an atmosphere of slowly building dread and horror and mystery.

That being said, as a person who isn't normally a fan of horror, I don't think this book is too scary. It's more of an atmospheric, psychological horror than a jump-scare, bloody horror. It's not a book that will give you nightmares (probably), but you might lie awake thinking about it.

Also. Pro-tip. As a haunted(?) house story, the house is obviously fairly central to the story. Dear fellow Americans, keep in mind that the British refer to the floors of a building differently than us. For Americans, the ground-level floor is called the first floor, the floor above that the second floor, etc. For the British, the ground-level floor is the ground floor, and the floor above that is the first floor, etc. There's all sorts of creepy references to characters hearing noises above them on the first floor, but I was just like, Why are they always in the basement?

2) Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno Garcia

This and the above are two very different books, and yet they are both set in the mid-1900s and both are about weird, creepy, maybe-haunted houses. What can I say, I like gothic fiction.

After our heroine, Noemi, receives a bizarre, borderline incoherent letter from her beloved cousin, she sets out to visit her in the literally decaying mansion she resides in with her husband and his new family deep in the countryside of Mexico. All Noemi wants to do is persuade her cousin to come back home with her, but her cousin's new in-laws are very determined not to let that happen...or to let Noemi leave either. Secrets abound in the bizarre house and even creepier nearby cemetery, and soon Noemi finds that she too is suffering from bizarre dreams and visions...although, are they just dreams?

This book is so weird, but in such a good way? I read it for a book club and every week we had increasingly bizarre theories about what was going on, we were googling alchemy and fungi and St George, and some of our theories were even right. Although definitely not all. Another very twisty one that keeps you guessing.

In terms of scariness, interestingly I think there's more overtly creepy and horrifying moments in this novel than The Little Stranger, but I found TLS more overall scary? But that may be because I read it quickly, which I think is the ideal setting for suspenseful stuff, and I read Mexican Gothic over a longer amount of time since it was for a book club. This one does have some more typical horror elements to it, but I don't think it's more creepy than terrifying.

3) The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey

I listened to this one as an audiobook and the audiobook is excellent so would recommend that, but have no doubt it would also be great to physically read.

Oh my god this book...it's more thriller than horror, but I think it fits the brief. There were multiple moments listening to this book that I literally gasped or said "OH MY GOD!" out loud, and there are moments which are very creepy and horrifying. There's a particular scene in the backyard... Again, incredibly suspenseful and twisty. And the character development and character psychology is just! really really good! There's also really interesting and knotty feminist stuff which is a lot more complicated and nasty than some of the "girlboss" stuff which is popular right now.

Super minimal summary: All you really need to know is that it is a sci fi novel about a scientific researcher trying to pick up her life after her marriage has imploded, only for everything to go BATSHIT WRONG. Trust me, that's all you need to know, it's better to go into this not knowing what's going to happen or what to expect. I had no clue what this novel was about when I started it, and holy shit. Very good book, absolutely recommend this if you want some super suspenseful, creepy sci fi that will make you say "oh my GOD" repeatedly.

Okay, shifting gears a little now b/c autumn isn't just spooky, it's also cozy and restful and daydreamy!

4) The Thinking Woman's Guide to Real Magic by Emily Croy Barker

This isn't maybe a cozy book per se, but it's a great book to cuddle down with on a dreary day and lose yourself in. If you've ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if you crossed Pride and Prejudice with Howl's Moving Castle except the wizard was way worse but somehow still sexy" - then you should read this book! I actually came across this book b/c I was like, I wanna read a book that's a portal fantasy but for adults, and this book was like OH here's everything you wanted.

It's about a grad student, Nora, who has totally stalled out on her dissertation and is at a shitty wedding when she accidentally wanders through a portal into a beautiful, fantastical fairy world. At first, everything is amazing and literally perfect...but surprise surprise, not all as is it seems, and soon everything goes to, how should I put it, shit. Nora escapes, but rather than returning home, she finds herself trapped in a far more dreary realm. But not one without it's own charms and it's own magic, and Nora finds herself the student-slash-sorta-captive of the crochety, sexy, maybe-killed-his-wife magician Aruendiel* and she begins to learn magic herself.

Unlike the above books, this is not a fast-paced, twisty book, and I think if you go into this expecting high fantasy along the lines of Game of Thrones, you may be disappointed. It's not really a typical high-fantasy novel, it's more of a cross of an 18th/19th century realist novel, a fairy tale, and a fantasy novel. But if you want that, then it's REALLY good! I loved this book! And the magic in it is so cool, something about the way its described feels so visceral and real and like you could really do it if you just tried hard enough. There is a romance and it's totally, intentionally hashtag problematic, but it's very laid back, very slow burn, so I think even if you aren't a person who digs romance you can still enjoy this. If you're looking for a feminist-leaning fantasy novel that you can just sink into and lose yourself in, this is the perfect book. You will long to magically fix broken plates.

5) The Ruthless Lady's Guide to Wizardry by C.M. Waggoner

Honestly I can't even justify why I think this one is an autumn book. It simply is. It's autumn colored in my head. It is the coziest book I have ever read about necromancy and crime. Also I just want to recommend it. This is another one that I listened to as an audiobook and it's also a good audiobook, for those who are interested. But it also means I will not be able to spell absolutely any of the character's names.

This novel follows Delly, an enterprising young scoundrel of a fire witch with a teeny tiny gin habit as she attempts to support herself and her hot-mess of a mom in the roughest neighborhoods of Fantasy-City-That-I-Can't-Remember-The-Name-Of. Lice...gate? When Delly comes across an advertisement for a bodyguarding job for young women for a hefty fee, it seems like the answer to definitely not all but at least some of her problems. She accepts, along with an interesting assortment of other sorcerous young ladies, including a wonderfully bitchy Absentia (my love), a young woman who can turn into a boar, boar girl's necromancer mother, and the very sexy part-troll Winn, who in my imagination looks like Gwendoline Christie and talks like Miranda Hart. Which. Perfect woman. Winn being a fine, wealthy young lady, Delly can't help but think to herself that it wouldn't be such a bad thing if Winn happened to fall in love with her and carried her off to be rich and spoiled the rest of her life.

Of course, things quickly don't go to plan, and soon Delly and her companions find herself caught up in wicked schemes of murder, drugs, and an undead mouse named Buttons who says BONG. I love Buttons SO MUCH.

This book is just a silly romp of a novel which worms into your heart and your brain. It's fun and cute and gay, and also it made me cry. I haven't stopped thinking, "Not quite regulation hammerball" since I listened to it like half a year ago.

Also, while I'm here, this novel is set in the same world as and features a few of the same characters as Unnatural Magic. Which is also a hell of a book. Literally the best bisexual relationship I have ever fuckin read. It's a winter book tho, so I simply can't go into it here.

Aaaaand...that it's! Happy autumnal reading :)

#things you didn't care to know about veronica #book recs #disastershy #i'm sorry it took me so long to answer! it's just been burning in my inbox for weeks and only today #did i have the courage and strength of will to get to it!#jk i just felt like doing it now :)#thanks if you read the whole thing!!!!!

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edorazzi · 5 years

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It’s the post everyone’s been waiting for!

It’s taken a little while for me to get around to this, but it’s worth it for being able to make a full reaction post. This is really long so I’ll put it under a cut, but check it out for my complete scene-by-scene reaction of Miraculous’ “Felix” episode! (´∀｀)♡

Okay, I’ve been putting this off for days now so it’s time to finally get to it. I’m comfy and undisturbed and have my supplies ready to go.

I know next to nothing about what I’m going into. I’ve seen a little bit here and there because some people haven’t tagged their content properly, but I haven’t watched either of the trailers. I haven’t even looked directly at the images of Felix which have been going around. I’ve tried to stay as blind as possible, so as a result I’m pretty excited but also very anxious. I’ve taken two beta blockers today and I’m considering taking a third.

I usually liveblog episodes on our Ladybug PV Discord server (message me for an invite!) but this time I’m making a proper post out of it. I’ll be typing up my reactions as I go then cleaning everything up a little bit afterwards. I think it’s the first time I’ve done something like this on my blog so here goes!

- “Script: Thomas Astruc” NO. HE REALLY COULDN’T JUST STEP AWAY FROM THIS EPISODE GRACEFULLY, COULD HE. HE HAD TO GET HIS HANDS DIRTY. I’m not going to say “fuck this man” but, you know, identical sentiments. I’m opening my chocolate bar.

- God, Emilie looks more like ET every time I see her. Such an awkward model.

- Oh but wait, Sébastien Thibaudeau was on the script? That does actually give me some hope! Next to Zag himself he’s the only writer on this mess of a show I trust. HE FIXED WAYHEM, CAN HE DO FELIX A SOLID TOO? PLEASE. PLEASE SÉBASTIEN OL BUDDY OL PAL OL FRIENDA MINE

- Does Gabe have anything else to say to his wife other than monologuing his Miraculous plan over and over? They say people in comas can still hear things but Emilie’s probably double unconscious from how boring her husband is.

- DON’T LIKE THAT KNIFE SOUND EFFECT FROM THOSE RINGS. Am I supposed to find it sweet that Gabe’s taking such good care of their wedding bands or is he about to use them for evil? Also where’s Felix.

- ADRIEN SWEETHEART. I maintain that it’s weird to have a statue of your wife/mother/self in your own garden but it kills me that he’s just sitting there in front of it like a lost kitten.

- “Of course, someone will get you right away.” IS THAT FELIX. WAS SHE ON THE PHONE TO FELIX. WHERE’S MY SON, NATHALIE HAVE YOU SEEN MY SON

- That wide-eyed look Adrien turns up towards the window is killing me even more. I’M SO SAD. I see he also hasn’t noticed he’s sitting in the middle of a giant butterfly circle, unless he’s so used to it being Gabe’s logo that he’s just not paying it any mind. When was this all built? Has Gabe always used a butterfly motif even before he got his Miraculous and it was just a great coincidence, or did he commission this whole garden area after Emilie went missing? I guess you could pass it off as eccentricity but in the real world that would be a HUGE red flag that Gabe murdered her. I dunno man.

- DON’T WAVE AT HIM LIKE THAT, NATHALIE. YOU RATTED HIM OUT IN 5 SECONDS IN THAT THEORETICAL FUTURE WHERE YOU DISCOVERED HE WAS CHAT NOIR. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT THIS BOY. >:V

- “It’s been one year.” HAS IT? Hasn’t Adrien been at school for at least a year now? Didn’t his mom vanish two years prior to that?! Maybe she’s talking about how long Gabe has been fighting Ladybug and Chat Noir but knowing this show’s messy timeline it could be anything. WHERE’S FELIX.

- That’s the song from Chat Blanc! Was that something his mom taught him? OH NO, I’M EVEN SADDER NOW. This is what I mean about Sébastien’s writing, we’d never get this kind of focus on Adrien from Garbage Man Astruc. This kind of character exploration does wonders for ML whenever it’s brought up so I hope this is consistent.

- SHIT, GABRIEL’S OUT OF THE HOUSE. SOMETHING’S WRONG. THOSE EXPENSIVE LEATHER SHOES HAVEN’T TOUCHED ACTUAL GROUND IN YEARS. ADRIEN GET OUT OF THERE.

- I do like that Adrien doesn’t get up when his dad comes to stand right next to him like that. It’s just informal enough. He’s waiting for Gabe to make the first move this time and that’s nice development considering how stiff and cold their relationship was in S1.

- OOOOH GABE THAT’S AN AWKWARD CROUCH. Any lower down and his back is going to go. He’ll be stuck there. I do LOVE that he’s trying though, I don’t even know what he’s going to say to Adrien but this is already SO good.

- “There’s something important I have to talk to you about.” Finally time for The Talk, huh.

- GABE PLEASE. ADRIEN’S WAY TOO CHIRPY TO HAVE ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON TO WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY. HE THINKS YOU’RE TRYING TO SAY YOU LOVE HIM OR SOMETHING ELSE RIDICULOUS

- “I’ve noticed how close you and Nathalie have become!” CLOSE ENOUGH. Still in the ballpark of Adrien thinking his dad has real human feelings!

- “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK SUCH A THING??” I GENUINELY LAUGHED OUT LOUD AT HOW ANGRY GABE WAS ABOUT THAT. I’m not sure what to think of the “Nathalie replacing Emilie when Emilie’s technically still alive” plot either but GABE’S DECIDED FOR ME. Also good job yelling in your son’s face when you were JUST having a moment, good luck getting back up off your knees in order to storm away, old man.

- Oh alright, he did get up, but it was with a strange angry bow-legged prance. I think he still had trouble.

- I love the way Adrien just kinda wide-eye-blinks at him, like Gabe’s emotional outburst is going totally over his head. He’s been dealing with akuma FAR too long to be bothered by this.

- Guests, plural? I’m guessing Felix is one of them but is he with someone else? That makes sense given he’s (as far as I’ve gathered) the same age as Adrien so he wouldn’t be running around far from home unchaperoned, but OHHH this is so interesting.

- So they ARE claiming it’s been one year since Emilie vanished! This just doesn’t work as a Season 3 episode, especially with Nathalie and Gabe’s romantic development being as far along as it is. Emilie’s been gone for at LEAST three years by this point! Read your show bible once in a while you horrible garbage man!!! Also ADRIEN SWEETHEART THAT’S A LITTLE PREMATURE. You can say “went away forever” when you’re three years into her disappearance, the anniversary of one year really isn’t long enough to claim she’s never coming back!

- OH NO, IT’S THE GIRLS. I’m already bored. Unless Luka is here I really just do not care what they’re all up to. I haven’t missed Marinette at ALL in the first two-and-a-half minutes and I don’t want to see her now. WHERE’S FELIX.

- I’m sorry, how are Lila, Chloé AND Kagami all on a video call together without any blood being drawn? Also for god’s sake PLEASE leave Adrien alone, you want to ask first if he’d LIKE some company or if he’d prefer a quiet personal day to think about his mom? OF COURSE NOT MARINETTE, YOU WOULDN’T WOULD YOU.

- Okay, a video message is definitely a better idea than trying to break into his house AGAIN. At least then he can watch it whenever he feels up to it. The first good, safe, noninvasive idea Mari’s had for SEVERAL episodes when it comes to Adrien.

- I’M REALLY TORN WHEN IT COMES TO THE ENGLISH DUB. On one hand I hate how little screentime Nino has when he’s not just being Alya’s fashion accessory, but on the other hand I’m so glad they switched scenes the moment Nino started his video because I CANNOT handle his dub voice. Nino just deserves better in general really.

- HE WAS CRYING. MY BOY WAS CRYING AGAIN. I’M NOT COOL WITH THIS. IT’S NOT ABOVE YOUR PAYGRADE TO GIVE HIM A HUG, NATHALIE.

- ALRIGHT HI ELSA. IS THIS HIS AUNT? THAT’S SPOOKY.

- Her name is Amelie? So their parents had twins and named them Amelie and Emilie, and they turned out the same right down to the over-the-shoulder Dead Anime Mom hairstyles? That’s lazy parenting down to a tee, can’t mix your twins up if you never have to learn the difference between them in the first place! But that’s INTERESTING that Felix is (I assume, still haven’t seen him yet) from Emilie’s side of the family, I’ve always had the impression he was a petit Gabriel.

- OHHH THAT’S MY BOY! I CAN SEE MY BOY IN THE DOORWAY!!! OH MY GOD GIVE HIM TO ME. GIVE ME FELIX. GIVE ME MY SON.

- ADRIEN IMMEDIATELY JUMPING ON HIM IN A HUG IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. WHILE FELIX’S HAND IS STILL OUTSTRETCHED FOR A HANDSHAKE. I know this episode is going to go downhill because there’s no way it won’t, but this one single moment is EVERYTHING I WANTED. I should just close the tab now and leave it at this, I really should.

- “Do you remember when they used to have so much fun pretending to be each other? Once they had you and Emilie fooled for a whole weekend!” WHERE HAS THIS BEEN FOR MY ENTIRE ORDEAL GETTING THROUGH THIS SERIES. I don’t even care if this Felix is a stone cold bitch, it’s enough to know he and Adrien were besties when they were kids and Adrien still wanted to hug him the second he walked through the door. AMAZING.

- “I WON’T BE FOOLED A SECOND TIME.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, GABE. THEY WERE PROBABLY TODDLERS. ARE YOU JUST SO USED TO GETTING YOUR ASS HANDED TO YOU BY CHILDREN THAT YOU’RE SUSPICIOUS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE NOW

- Aww, Felix is American (dubbed, anyway). I was really hoping he’d be British with all the references to London over the last season. He does have a nice voice though! I can tell he shares Adrien’s actor but he’s got the softness I’d have expected from his character. There’s kind of an interesting look about his face though, I wish they’d tweaked it a bit to give him a sharper look but I guess he IS like 14, he can afford to still have a bit of baby-cheeked roundness. I’m going to find the positives in every part of this because I will NOT give Garbage Man Astruc the satisfaction of being disappointed like I know he wants me to be. It’s been a fucking war from the moment I saw his name in the writing credits and my best weapon is being pleased about everything in this episode.

- Okay, he looks a little better in the following closeup where his eyes are slightly narrowed. I think it’s the slightly-below-the-chin angle which doesn’t really work for his character model with his soft cheeks and high collar. FELIX IS A BABY.

- WHY WILL NOBODY SHAKE HIS HAND. Adrien hugged him instead and Gabe is ignoring him completely, Felix is clearly so perplexed and I love it. He’s fourteen! He’s fourteen and doing his best with social graces but NOBODY WILL HELP HIM.

- “Felix, you know your uncle’s never been the physical sort!” HE KICKED HIS OWN SON RIGHT ACROSS PARIS IN THE LAST EPISODE BUT SURE, IF YOU SAY SO.

- “Oh, how sweet! You’re still wearing your wedding band!” YEAH? IT’S BEEN LIKE A YEAR?? Again this would make more sense if it had been around three years like we KNOW Emilie’s been gone for, but picking someone out for still wearing their ring after 12 months?! And why isn’t Amelie more emotional about this anyway, isn’t it her sister who’s missing? I wouldn’t be poking fun at MY sister’s husband for keeping his ring if SHE went missing. No wonder Felix seems like he turned out weird.

- I CAN’T MAKE OUT THE NAME OF HER BRANCH OF THE FAMILY AND IT’S KILLING ME. SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. Graham de Vanily? I can’t place the words. I mean I’m going to keep calling Felix “Agreste” no matter what but I’d like to know what canon is trying to get at.

- “It’s been a long journey from London” I KNEW IT, I FFFFFFFFFUCKING KNEW IT. SO THEY ARE BRITISH?! BUT THEY HAVE AMERICAN ACCENTS?! I mean I guess they’re French first and foremost, but what the fuck is with the American accents if you’re making a POINT about them being from London?! I can’t wait for the French audio to be released, I really want to know what Felix sounds like there. Regardless AAAH MY SON IS FROM MY CITY, I’M SO PLEASED.

- “TakeFelixtoyourbedroom.” EASY GABE THEY JUST MET, ALSO THEY’RE COUSINS

- Poor Felix looks so depressed being saddled with Adrien. Sweetie it’s okay, think positive! You could be stuck with Marinette and THAT would be a true nightmare.

- Now why does Felix keep glancing at Gabe? Is there something going on there? Is he suspicious about what happened to his aunt? I can’t imagine he knows anything about the Miraculous so what’s the deal here?

- UuuuuUUUUGH we’re back with the rest of the gang. I’M NOT INTERESTED, SHOW ME MORE FELIX.

- “Help me Tikki! What would you tell a Kwami friend who’s lost their mom?!” You’re talking to a 5000-year-old demigoddess, Mari, I don’t think she’s gonna relate.

- MARI YOU CAN’T CONFESS TO ADRIEN. NOT AFTER CHAT BLANC. GABE WILL LOSE ALL HIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT TO WRECK THE LOVE SQUARE AND ALSO THE MOON’S GOING TO EXPLODE. WHY ISN’T BUNNIX HERE TO SLAP THE TABLET OUT OF YOUR HANDS

- Should Tikki really be encouraging this?! I have no idea where in the timeline this is supposed to be. Maybe this is at a stage where she doesn’t know Adrien is Plagg’s chosen so there’s no reason to steer Marinette away from bonding with him. Or maybe every episode just plays by its own rules and there’s really no such thing as continuity in this series. I want to see Felix again.

- YANKING AT AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE ON THE OUTER EDGE OF A BOAT ISN’T GOING TO END WELL. DON’T. I do love how :D Alya is about it though, if nothing else I love what a supportive friend she is.

- Oh, the tablet didn’t go into the water! I’m genuinely surprised by that. Though I imagine Felix is going to fuck things up in some way so he’ll probably be the one to destroy the video somehow. We all know the relationship development isn’t allowed to move forward so SOMETHING’S going to happen to it.

- Thank god we’re back to the mansion. I’m surprised and pleased that (for now at least) we’re only getting the girls in small doses and the plot is mainly focused around the Agrestes. Gorizilla is my favourite episode to date and it did a similar thing with allowing Marinette to be a side character for once along an Adrien-centric plotline, so hopefully this episode will be similar. I’m liking its odds so far but who knows what Horrible Garbage Man Astruc has up his sleeve.

- “I’m really sorry I didn’t come to your dad’s funeral.” I’M SORRY WHAT? PARDON ME? THAT’S AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM I DIDN’T EXPECT. As a side note I love Felix being killer at basketball for some reason, he doesn’t look like the athletic type at ALL but he still made that net over his shoulder without even LOOKING. Goddamn. Can everyone please appreciate how cool my son is!!!

- “My father thought it would be too hard on me, considering everything that’s happened this year.” So Felix lost his dad VERY RECENTLY. OUCH. DON’T LIKE THAT. Or I DO like that because it’s already giving his character some extra depth when we’re still only just getting to know him, but on an emotional level I don’t like that.

- “He’s very... protective of me.” CHAT BLANC REALLY WAS A HOT MESS OF AN EPISODE WASN’T IT.

- Now Felix is giving Adrien a hug?! I didn’t see that one coming. My canon Felix would mean it but I don’t quite trust this new Felix yet, he’s probably up to something.

- WHAT A JARRING PIANO TRANSITION. Also why?! What does he have to gain from swiping Adrien’s phone? He’s probably got a terrible roaming plan on his own mobile, that’s always my problem when I go to France. If you truly loved your cousin you’d let him browse Reddit on your phone, Adrien. This is worse than not coming to his dad’s funeral.

- PLAGG KNOWS SOMETHING’S UP. He ought to, in another life he and Felix are STILL dealing with each other.

- Okay I take back what I said about Felix’s voice. Bryce Whatshisface isn’t doing a very good job separating the tones. I can buy that Adrien and Felix sound very similar but their delivery should be completely different! I really do want to watch this in French, I get the feeling it’ll sound much better.

- AH YES, HERE WE GO. I’m getting the feeling this is Garbage Man’s part of the episode. Squished cheese aside, I do like the implication Felix does (or did) card magic and karate. I’m thinking of that Mickey Mouse episode where he vanishes Donald’s car keys with a hand trick except it’s Felix vanishing Marinette’s phone when she’s about to text Adrien or something. I’ve got to draw that.

- “Mind if I take a shower?” WHY, FELIX. I mean I’d probably want to shower too after the London-Paris commute (and I’m sure he’s only going in there to wreak havoc, put food colouring in Adrien’s shampoo bottles or something) but what a weird time to ask!

- I mean Plagg has a point about difficult home situations not justifying bad behaviour (and I feel like that’s not what’s going on, with how he was glaring at Gabe I think he’s behaving like this for some other reason), but Felix’s dad LITERALLY DIED. Like they had a funeral and everything. Emilie is just “missing”. They’re SIMILAR but that’s still a false equivalence because Adrien’s got hope to hold on to and Felix doesn’t.

- So we’re not going to talk about how Felix got into Adrien’s passcode-protected phone? I guess he could have done the fogging-up-the-screen trick from Oblivio. Standing around in a steamy bathroom in three layers of clothing is a great way to sweat yourself out and ruin your hair though, way to get even more gross than a five-hour commute between countries.

- “Of course that idiot has a crush on a superhero!” EASY THERE, MR HOWLING-ON-A-ROOFTOP-BECAUSE-HE-SAW-THE-GIRL-HE-LIKED. WE’VE ALL SEEN THE PV.

- I’ve just noticed Felix has a ring too! I don’t know how I missed that before this scene! That’s NICE. He’s still not allowed to have it on his middle finger (LET HIM SWEAR) but that’s a nod back to Chat Noir which I really appreciate!

- ROSE HAS BEEN ON THE HELIUM. SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT THERE.

- FELIX KNOWS CHLOÉ! THAT’S NICE, THAT’S GOOD. I LIKE THAT. That’s also a really nice little video from her, I love the few small moments we’ve had that affirm she and Adrien really ARE friends, whether she wants to date him or not.

- OOOH HE DELETED THE VIDEOS. I’m curious about him borrowing Adrien’s clothes too, are they going to dress the same? You’d think Adrien wouldn’t give someone an exact copy of the outfit he’s currently wearing but I genuinely don’t know if he owns anything different. I hope they don’t just use two Adrien models for the rest of the episode, please let me see Felix properly :/

- WHY. HONESTLY, WHY. CAN I PLEASE GET AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY FELIX IS DOING THIS.

- OOOH MARI YOU’RE NOT GONNA LIKE THIS. I can imagine Felix is going to say something nasty and that’ll set the girls off and bring about the akuma of the week. I’m mildly entertained but I’m still not engaged with this idea without any proper explanation. We’d better get something by the end of the episode which justifies what’s made Felix do this, because “he’s just evil lol” would be a reeeeally low move from Garbage Man Astruc.

- MARI SWEETIE. YOU’VE GOTTA LEARN TO CHECK A ROOM IS EMPTY BEFORE YOU RUN INSIDE AND START FREAKING OUT VERY LOUDLY. LUKA’S HEARD ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

- Luka is such a nice character. Why does he get to be so high quality when Felix has been turned into a cheese-smashing phone-stealing gremlin? I mean I KNOW why, but I’d like to think the showwriters are better than this. They’re not, but I’d like to think they are.

- WHAT A VIDEO MESSAGE. I love how Luka’s just sitting there grimacing while Mari speeds off into battle, he doesn’t know what she’s about to do but he knows better than to try stopping her.

- Back with Gabe and Nathalie. Is this what was being foreshadowed when Gabe claimed he wouldn’t be fooled by the boys’ identity switch twice? Is he GOING to be fooled again or will he be the one person who can tell immediately that this isn’t his son?

- “FELIX.” WOW, HE REALLY WASN’T FOOLED TWICE. RESPECT. He may have trouble getting up off the ground if he sits down too low but he can at least identify his child in a difficult situation like this, props to Gabe this week.

- “All this disappointment might just help us get rid of our unwanted guests!” SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FELIX IS A DELIGHT. The only unwanted guest here is Astruc on the writing team.

- “Felix... I told you that you couldn’t fool me twice.” Way to blow your identity in five seconds Gabe. I guess he hasn’t sent out the akuma yet so this might just be a personal monologue, but he starts addressing his victims directly so often at this stage that I’m really not sure what they can or can’t hear. SHIT’S RISKY.

- OH OKAY, SO HE’S SENDING THIS TRIPLE AKUMA AFTER FELIX? AND/OR ADRIEN, DEPENDING ON HOW HARD IT IS TO TELL THEM APART? I guess that’s what he means by getting rid of their guests, if the house is attacked by a monster (or monsters?) they aren’t going to want to stick around, but I REALLY HOPE YOU’RE TAKING ADRIEN’S WELLBEING INTO ACCOUNT HERE GABE OL BUDDY :/

- “TIKKI, SPOTS ON! MNUURGH” ME TOO MARINETTE. I’M REALLY ONLY 12 MINUTES INTO THIS.

- I’m gonna be honest, I’m not really interested in the girls. I was hoping for a real triple akuma (like Oblivio was apparently Alya and Nino together) but they’re all just villains we’ve seen before. There’s stuff I could comment on here but I just want to see more of Felix, that’s what I’m here for.

- “Nathalie, get Adrien to a safe place far from his cousin!” YOU’RE REALLY JUST GONNA SACRIFICE FELIX LIKE THIS. I guess that makes sense, I WAS complaining during Chat Blanc that Adrien is Gabriel’s weak point, so all things considered I’m not surprised that he’ll protect Adrien but just flat-out wants Felix dead. Fair enough.

- WOW. I THOUGHT ADRIEN WAS GOING TO BE HEROIC AND DEFEND FELIX BUT HE WANTS HIM DEAD TOO. Or was that a double bluff to make the akuma think he MUST be Felix so he can lead them away and keep his cousin safe? He’s just run off with a wild cackle so I’m thinking it’s the latter. HE’S A GOOD BOY AND A TRUE HERO.

- I also find it kind of funny how Nathalie will jump in harm’s way to defend him when there have been INNUMERABLE other episodes of Gabe just setting an akuma directly on Adrien for the hell of it. Maybe because there isn’t really any ‘harm’ here to start with; the three girls’ powers are probably the least violent of all the akuma we’ve seen so far.

- AM I REALLY ABOUT TO SEE FELIX DRESSED AS ADRIEN DOING KARATE. I HOPE HE’S GOOD AT IT.

- OH MY GOD HE IS GOOD AT IT. That’s cool! I was expecting him to totally flop considering how badly his imposter trick went down a few minutes ago, but it’s nice to see he’s as capable at fighting as he is at basketball. When do I get to see his magic card tricks?

- YEAH I FEEL THE SAME PLAGG. WHAT’S EVEN HAPPENING. Not that I think Adrien shouldn’t save Felix, I just want to know WHY Felix felt like he had to do this in the first place! I feel like “can I PLEASE get a waffle” except instead of watching the employees fight I’m watching this episode careening away with no pauses to explain what’s going on.

- FELIX C’MON. STOP CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. I can tell Garbage Man Astruc still has the reins here because causing even MORE trouble even AFTER Adrien saved his ass is a completely illogical course of action. PUT SÉBASTIEN BACK IN THE WRITERS CHAIR.

- “WHICH PART OF THE WORD ‘NO’ DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!” Oh perfect, great, can’t let this episode end without accusing Felix of not respecting consent! That’s a hot button issue and if Garbage Man Astruc can get him on that bandwagon then fans HAVE to hate this character! Great move! Fucking pillock!

- WOW CHAT THAT’S MEAN. I guess accusing Felix of having no friends is justified in the context of the episode but yikes :(

- Was that a flash of humiliation from Felix there? God will one of the writers PLEASE save this character, PLEASE don’t let this episode end without someone getting him out of the Garbage Man’s big meaty claws.

- Excuse me WHAT? Felix is talking directly to Papillon?! So he knows about all the Miraculous stuff?! Oh NO, is this about getting his dad back? I don’t know whether the One Wish is common knowledge (I don’t think it is?) but maybe Felix put the pieces together on his own back home, so all his behaviour here has been trying to incite an akuma that he can take advantage of to appeal to Papillon?! Or he could just be a bitch all on his own, which is probably what the Garbage Man would prefer, but this makes a lot of sense all of a sudden.

- BRO HE NEARLY DIED. BRO. BROOO.

- “I hope you’ve learned your lesson!” YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA ASK ABOUT THE PAPILLON THING? YOU CAN’T JUST TREAT THIS AS A REGULAR DISTURBANCE, FELIX KNOWS SHIT ABOUT THE MIRACULOUS YOU GUYS--

- FELIX’S MOM IS REALLY GOING TO BLAME HIS DEAD DAD FOR THIS? HARD YIKES. NO WONDER FELIX IS WEIRD.

- I’m expecting this isn’t over, because Felix still clearly wants something specific that he didn’t get, but I’ll take this cute hug for what it is. He didn’t have an evil expression behind Adrien’s back this time either and the music is all soft and nice, plus he FINALLY got a handshake from Gabe, but I absolutely do NOT imagine this episode will end without getting an extra shot in at the PV fans somehow. We’re not getting off this easy.

- Why doesn’t Gabriel want Adrien to go after Felix? Is he scared he’ll try to run off, or ask them to stay longer when he really wants to get rid of them?

- AHAHA FELIX STOLE GABE’S RING. WHAT A BRAT. Was that the “jewelry” he mentioned wanting in return for helping Papillon? I figured it was a Miraculous thing but maybe not.

- OHHH, look how much Felix loves his mom! This is such a sweet scene. I particularly like the idea that Amelie was trying to get the rings back to give one to Felix because the way she was speaking to Gabe made it sound like she wanted them Just Because. But you can’t mention some wild story connected to the rings and then not explain it! I want to know what that is, I want to know why Felix is so fascinated with it!!!

- ALSO, FELIX GETTING A BIG KISS RIGHT ON THE FOREHEAD. EXCELLENT. I’ll fucking BET this is another scene Sébastien sneaked in because it’s such an emotional quality shift from the whole clone mess. Like what the fuck even WAS that.

- Yep, Felix is still evil! WHY THOUGH. WHAT’S GOING ON. CAN I PLEASE GET A WAFFLE

- I was expecting a worse ending, but “Felix can’t ever come back to Paris because Gabriel will kill him with his bare hands if he does” is decent enough. If there’s no further confirmation (and NO, anything Garbage Man Astruc tweets later on does NOT fucking count so don’t try me) I’m going to take it that he WAS actually sorry for what he did to Adrien. That’s better than nothing.

WELL THAT WAS AN EPISODE. That actually wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be - it could have been a lot better but it could have been a lot worse too. The beginning and end were nice enough even if the middle part was Garbage Man Astruc’s usual atrocious mess of self-service, though I do particularly despise the hamfisted consent issue shoved in there just to generate extra reasons to hate the character. WE GET IT, YOU DON’T LIKE FELIX. OFF YOU FUCK.

I’ve slept on this next paragraph to give myself time to formulate some concrete thoughts about the plot, so... Well, it was a mess, that’s for sure. They spent way too much time establishing how oH sO eViL Felix was and not nearly enough time actually explaining his character.

Why is he acting out like this? What has he got against Adrien in particular? Is he really sore about Adrien not supporting him at his dad’s funeral or is that just what Adrien thinks is his problem? What was his relationship with his dad before he died? Was his troublemaking all about trying to provoke an akuma and ask Papillon to help him get his family rings back (which he was clearly trying to steal from the moment he walked through the door, only Gabe wouldn’t shake his hand the first time), or was that just a side effect of causing shit for no reason? Did he mean his apology to Adrien at the end? WHAT was the deal with the rings and the story attached to them? There’s a whole interesting story buried in here which just got completely overlooked by the emphasis on how terrible he was and that’s really disappointing.

I did like his damaged-but-still-good relationship with Adrien though, there’s still hope there and maybe Felix (if he ever shows up again, which I only hope he does if it’s NOT another excuse for Garbage Man Astruc to shit on the PV fandom again, for the love of FUCK don’t give this guy multiple opportunities) will start coming around and making the effort to be a better cousin since Adrien’s given him a second chance. I don’t know. What I liked just as much was Marinette actually barely being in this episode at all, for the first time since Gorizilla she’s ALLOWED to be the supporting character again and that’s GREAT.

I don’t really know what else to say. I’m exhausted. Adrien’s a darling and I think I prefer my Twin AU, though canon Felix being a delightful little gremlin who causes problems-on-purpose is something I can work with in the future too.

Thanks for coming on this... interesting journey with me! I posted a set of tweets last night which I’ll leave here to finish up:

#josie's art #josie talks about things #miraculous ladybug #felix agreste #this can go in my felix tag for organisation's sake #and NO i'm not going to start calling him felix vanillagrahams or whatever his canon name is; leave me alone #anyway here's the post everyone wanted; it got VERY LONG but i ain't even sorry #i usually liveblog on the PV discord server but i felt this deserved its own post of basically-the-same-thing-but-neater

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bard-llama · 3 years

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WiP Wednesday: 2 snips

I totally did not forget today was Wednesday, nope, not at all. So anyway, I made up a list of specifically my WiPs that have no parts published that are various set ups to get Iorveth and Roche into a relationship. If anyone’s interested, I’ll stick that under a cut.

For now, 2 snips were requested on discord, so first:

Ceartas Minus Truas (means Justice Minus Compassion) (aka Gaunter curses Roche and drops him off for the Scoia'tael to find. Then Roche offends them all by speaking Elder because Gaunter took "I want to understand Iorveth" literally.)

Gaunter O’Dimm enjoyed traveling. It kept life interesting – wherever one went, there was always someone in need of a little helping hand. And in possession of some sort of interesting reward, of course. Sometimes it was merely their soul, and that was all well and good – but more often, Gaunter preferred to add a little extra something to his contracts.

After all, prey was so much more fun to play with before they died.

What he did not enjoy about traveling were all the busybodies who thought an innocent merchant of mirrors would be an ideal target. They were wrong, of course, and Gaunter did enjoy showing them just how wrong, but he had a schedule to keep and he so hated running late.

Someone would simply have to pay for his irritation. It wouldn’t be long before Gaunter came upon someone who deserved punishing. Humans, elves, dwarves, halfings – they held themselves apart in such silly little ways, but at heart, there were always cruel people deserving of punishment.

Like the approaching human, who exuded the air of having a Very Serious Conundrum. Just the kind of thing a helpful mirror merchant might prove helpful for.

Gaunter tilted his head, considering the man approaching down the road. On the surface, the only notable thing about the man was the way his armor proudly displayed the Temerian emblem while being entirely non-standard. Definitely not army issue.

But Gaunter wasn’t as limited as these creatures that only saw the surface. In addition, he could see through this man, down to the core of him: the things he’d done, the decisions he’d made, the impact his actions had had.

Another snip under the cut

Trust: More Precious Than Gold (aka Post-W2 AU where Roche and Iorveth team up to take down a slavery ring by having Iorveth pretend to be Roche's slave)

And so, even though Iorveth had been the one triumphant in the last battle between them, for the purposes of this investigation, Vernon Roche had officially captured the most wanted elf in the north.

And was now using him as a pleasure slave. Or so Roche was claiming. In reality, if Roche actually tried something, Iorveth would cut his balls off.

But for the safety of his people, he could pretend. Even if it meant wearing a dark blue (Temerian blue) collar with a fucking silver lily charm that hung right at the base of his throat.

In all honesty, Iorveth was more than a little concerned that this wasn’t as much of a farce as it should have been. When Roche had pulled out the collar, flushing red and stuttering but still meeting his gaze directly, Iorveth had felt… something. Something it was best not to explore. Something that should have always remained buried under the memories of their fights.

Something that found it a little too pleasing to be wearing Roche’s collar. Especially when Roche tucked his finger underneath it and pulled him forward, even if it was only to whisper intel in his ear.

This was far from the first time he’d posed as someone’s captive – the two times with Gwynbleidd in Flotsam stood out in his memory – but he’d never found it so intriguing before.

He’d also, Iorveth realized, never trusted anyone as much as he was trusting Roche by letting the dh’oine put him in this situation. Not that he wasn’t armed – there was no one he trusted enough for that – but one elf versus an unknown number of humans? His odds of getting out of this alive significantly increased as long as he trusted Roche enough to play their little game.

“Remember,” Roche had whispered, “you’ve been captured and presumably broken. You can be defiant – I can’t imagine you’re capable of not being so – but don’t push it too far or we won’t be believable.”

The reaction when they walked in the room confirmed Roche’s words. The dh’oine stared at him and talked about him, but no one bothered addressing him directly and Iorveth tried not to let it irritate him too much. They all thought that he had broken. Him.

As if.

But their determination to treat him as part of the decor meant that it was surprisingly easy to eavesdrop on them. And what he heard was… interesting.

WiP List (specifically of WiPs that have NO parts published and are specifically about/featuring Iorveth and Roche getting together. yes, I have enough WiPs that we need to clarify this)

Post-W3 Roche rescues Iorveth from slavers and ends up stuck with him

Gaunter curses Roche and drops him off for the Scoia'tael to find. Then Roche offends them all by speaking Elder because Gaunter took "I want to understand Iorveth" literally.

Post-W3 Iorveth sneaks into Roche's room in the palace (during his bath) to suggest they team up and murder war criminals together

Pre-W2 AU Iorveth is the elven ambassador in Foltest's court and Triss makes Roche be friendly.

Roche comes upon Iorveth in an empty Scoia'tael camp and saves him from dying from a curse with true love, not that they admit it. Then they team up to go save the rest of the Scoia'tael

Roche runs into Iorveth while trying to investigate a case of awol Temerian soliders and ends up pretending to be married so they can get into the couple's resort

Iorveth becoming obsessed with Roche's sweaty clothes and breaking into his house to steal some

The fic with Queenie where Iorveth takes a camp that had belonged to Foltest and a tied-up Roche was left behind.

Post-W3 Iorveth runs into Roche at a bar. An exhibitionist couple lead to Roche challenging him to see if he can be quiet thru a blowjob. he is not successful

Roche's mama takes him to a wedding where Iorveth happens to be a guest. They have a truce, get drunk, and have curious exploratory sex in a boat

Post-W3 at Corvo Bianco Iorveth and Geralt obsess over Roche's hands and then he overhears them talking about his hands while having sex

Pre-W2 AU where Foltest signs a treaty with the elves and both are stuck attending a weeklong banquet as representatives.

Post-W3 Iorveth comes to a solstice feast the emperor throws and runs into Roche

During W2, Geralt and Iorveth stumble upon Roche's sex dream of them, then wanna make it come true

During W3, Iorveth helps them murder Radovid and Ves and co tell them to get a room. They do.

Post-W2 AU where Roche and Iorveth team up to take down a slavery ring by having Iorveth pretend to be Roche's slave

Iorveth watches Roche sleep and then Roche wakes up and wants a kiss and they both don't really believe it's real

Post-W2 in Vergen, Roche gets caught in a cave in in the mines and is thought dead for a while. When he gets rescued, Iorveth has to make sure he's all right and finally kisses him

Post-W3 Roche is offered as tribute to elves for a ceremony where they gangbang him. Iorveth watches out for him

During W2, Iorveth has a crush on Roche and gets mad at him wearing Foltest's symbol

Thank fuck we all love the “getting together” trope... right?

#rorveth #iorveth x roche #the witcher #fic planning #wip wednesday #my fics

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id-rather-be-an-outsider · 3 years

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Parkson Mystery

Kate Denson x Jake Park

word count: 1,457

summary: none of Kate’s fans know how she met him. she was single one day, and had him all over her feed the next. they tried digging into his past and discovered he was working on Wall Street, until his digital footprint all but vanished, only again popping up on the internet’s radar when the songbird he spent so much time around made their relationship public. this is the true story of how america’s sweetheart and the mystery mogul first met... and then some.

a/n: I had so much fun writing this! this story was originally posted on the DBD Amino. imma be completely honest w u, I have NOT been a fan of Kate. I like using Boil Over when in swf and I enjoy the Horse Gorl™️ vibes but like. idk. ANYWAYS. as I wrote this story I actually made a bunch of personal headcanons and can now say, Parkson is an official ship for me! I can totally vibe w the dynamic they have in my head <3

masterlist

Jake Park wasn’t ashamed to admit he’d picked up a taste for country music after having an existential crisis; in fact, he wasn’t even ashamed to admit he’d become an avid fan of Kate Denson - not a stan, though. Sure, he followed her on his private Instagram, but that wasn’t to lurk on her sexy photoshoot pictures, it was just to keep track of release dates for her albums. Granted, it never is hard to admit things when you don’t have friends to admit them to in the first place.

Every now and then he’d wonder if he should stop being such a stiff and just call one of his old work buddies for a steak dinner, but a quick scroll through their text history would remind him why he left the world of Wall Street behind to begin with. Materialism pales in comparison to the simple things in life, he’d tell himself. His baser instincts had always told him life wasn’t meant to be complicated, which is why he shoved those instincts down for years.

But Kate’s music - the songs of America’s sweetheart - reminded him of what an uncomplicated life was. Hard, rewarding work all day, and well-deserved rest at night. So much more peaceful than the never-ending rat race of the big city. Her music spoke to his soul in ways nothing ever had before, calmed his spirit. It made him realize how lost he was. So, he ditched the concrete jungle in favor of the real deal. Now all he ever dreamed of was thanking the young star who set him on fire again, giving him a new lease on life.

When he heard she was touring in his city, he felt excitement seeping into his very essence. Finally, the chance he’d been hoping for. He supposed she would be bashful, tell him he did more to turn his life around than she did. She gave off that vibe, at least. But Jake knew the truth, and he hoped he might find a kindred spirit in her. He pulled out an old business suit, perfect for a rare night on the town, brought his expensive car out of the garage acting as its tomb, and purchased a VIP ticket.

He was the last person in line. When he got to the front, he was almost speechless at the sight of her - almost. He managed to get out, “Miss Denson, your music saved my life.” The star laughed shyly, like she was used to a different kind of person saying those words to her. Probably fourteen, wearing braces, just having gone through their emo phase before getting back in touch with their roots. All the kids go through them these days, after all. Even a little cousin of Jake’s did a few years back. While he pondered this, he couldn’t help but also ponder how her laugh sounded like wind chimes. How is it that musicians always sound so magical?

As Jake mused, Kate said something he couldn’t quite hear and began to walk away with her security detail, agent in tow. “Wait!” He called out, and she turned back to face him. He could tell her agent was thinking he was just a crazed country boy super fan. “What if I told you that your music is the reason why I walked away from Wall Street?”

Kate smiled, a little confused. “I’d say that explains the accent. What’s your name, mister...?”

“Park. Jake Park, to be exact, but you can call me Jake, if you’d like.”

She laughed again, this time with confidence unlike before, demeanor changing from wary to businesslike. Or... something else. Jake couldn’t quite place it. “Well, Jake, I have a burning question for you: Why would my music make you give up a career like that?” She broke away from her entourage to come closer.

“We could discuss it over dinner, if you’d like?” Jake offered, the old swagger from his uptown days making a guest appearance. Sure, he wasn’t working numbers under uppity snobs to get a bigger Christmas bonus anymore, but he still knew how to play poker. If Kate’s eyes were of any indication, his gut told him he may have just been dealt a winning hand.

Kate accepted before her agent could intervene or protest, his eyes turning into slits. Probably worried Jake’s background with money and marketing could put him out of a job. Maybe he was right. “I’d love to get to know my most interesting fan. Might as well put that Wall Street money to use, huh?”

“Sure thing, darlin’.”

Since that day, their relationship as business partners, friends, and eventually more, blossomed. Kate dropped her greedy agent and management team for the generous man who became her best friend. Jake used his book smarts and savvy money skills to help lower Kate’s touring costs, made her performances more accessible to *all* of her fans, and helped her rake in extra profits from her music releases *and* with cheaper marketing. She spent less time in the studio and more time with him on their back porch as he sat and listened to her beautiful creations.

Truth be told, meeting Jake helped save Kate. Her old team had been stripping the life from her creativity, pushing for numbers rather than quality content. Having Jake work with her personally made everything so... simple. Working from home when making music, waking up to the sun dappling her skin through the the leaves of the trees, feeling the breeze on her face and his kisses on her fingers - it put the inspiration back into her music.

Her fans seemed to notice too, and they seemed to get a kick out of her sharing more about her life online, making theories about their relationship. Jake and Kate would scroll through the subreddit comments and laugh at the crazy ideas everyone had. Jake hadn’t laughed like that with someone in a long time. He hadn’t had a sense of humor in a long time, either.

When his family came calling, lecturing him about dropping his old career and this and that, he invited them over for dinner... and showed them that his and Kate’s retirement funds were already completed when she wasn’t looking. Their qualms ended after seeing the financial security they had, and seeing how calm Jake’s home life was. Sure, it was a strange change, but for once, Jake was happy, and seemed fulfilled. They didn’t always understand everything, but they understood enough.

Eventually, they visited Jake’s family in Korea, had their quiet wedding, nothing crazy, just something for family and close friends and nice rings, and did some remodeling with their own bare hands to create a cute nursery, complete with musical instruments and stuffed animals. When the delivery date came, Jake was a mess. He knew his wife would handle it like a champ, but his nerves were still through the roof. The labor came and went easily, and they came home with a beautiful baby girl.

“What are you going to call her?” Kate’s mother cooed as she obsessed over the newborn.

“Jake was thinking Yu-Hwa, and I was thinking Grace. He said I could have the first name if he had the middle name.” Kate mused. Jake was outside working on building a playground for their daughter. He’d insisted on getting an early start, arguing that his mother said time flies when raising a baby, no matter that their child was only a week old.

“Grace sounds beautiful. It matches your names, too. Oh, I’m going to have *so* much fun spoiling this little girl!” The new grandmother whisper-squealed, not wanting to wake the baby. “When are you going to have more?”

Kate laughed. “I told you mom, we just want the one.”

“For now.”

“For *forever,* mom.”

“What’s this about another child?” Jake asked, announcing his presence.

“Just Grama Denson getting a bit too ahead of herself.” Kate rolled her eyes.

Jake casually wrapped his arms around Kate, planting a kiss on her forehead before heading to the fridge to steal some lemonade. “I mean, between you and me, eomma, I wouldn’t mind making another baby, long as they keep turning out this cute.”

Kate gave him a quick flick to the forehead before he could dodge it. “Stop conspiring against me with my mother, sir. It takes two to tango.”

When the playground was finished, Kate did, in fact, gain another baby bump, watching happily as her husband helped their first waddler play outside. Grace Yu-Hwa Park and Dae-Hwan Lee Park, DaeDae for short, were lucky enough to have the best dad, Kate thought. Jake looked up at her, glowing in spite of the autumn cold, and thought the same thing.

separator images found here

#outsider writes #dead by daylight #kate denson #jake park #parkson #jake x kate #kate x jake #jake park x kate denson #kate denson x jake park #fluff #dbd #dbd fanfic #dbd moodboard

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lexidigredi · 4 years

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Married at First Sight Challenge - Introduction and Rules

Introduction

Not long after I got The Sims 4 I started reading about all the different challenges that people were doing (some of them are compiled here). I thought that was really cool, and I was particularly drawn to the reality TV style challenges: Bachelor/Bachelorette Challenge, Big Brother Challenge, Masterchef Challenge, and so on. We do not watch much reality TV but Mr Lexi is, like, obsessed with Married at First Sight, so of course I started looking for a Married at First Sight Challenge.

Seriously: obsessed

I could not find one. I did find BubblyQuinn’s story series on YouTube, but that was not really what I had in mind. So I did what any reasonable person would do in these circumstances: I wrote my own challenge. At this point having not actually played the game beyond CAS and building, which are enjoyable enough in their own rights but not a great way to get a handle on the mechanics of the game.

[NOTE: Although I wrote these rules before playing I did play through the first week of this challenge before publishing this post. This allowed me to check that there was not anything horribly wrong with the rules and that they were at least fun for me to play by.]

Rules

Credit to XUrbanSimsX whose Bachelor/Bachelorette Challenge I used as the basis for these rules.

You are going to need eight young adult sims for contestants, and each of them is going to need their own family living elsewhere in your game world. I suggest you either:

Create eight young adult contestants then create a family (parents, siblings, etc.) for each contestant or

Create eight families, and pick a contestant from each family (I went with the first young adult sim created within each family)

Each contestant must have at least one relative who is young adult or older (teen or older if you are happy with teens living on their own), as the families will be living on their own and will later be visited by the contestants.

Easy Mode: Heteronormativity Classic

Four binary men and four binary women (may be cis or trans). May be queer but for the purposes of Married at First Sight they are looking for a spouse of the opposite binary gender. 24 possible ways of arranging the couples.

Normal Mode: Everyone is Bi

Eight contestants of any gender who are open to having a spouse of the same or a different gender. This means that the only consideration when choosing your couples will be personality compatibility. 105 possible ways of arranging the couples.

Hard Mode: The Beautiful Rainbow of Human Diversity

Eight contestants of any gender. Each contestant has their own orientation that determines which gender or genders they would consider for a potential spouse. Determine orientation before you determine personality. Hope that when you look at the possible couple configurations you can arrange the contestants into couples with at least some compatibility. I have not tried them out myself but I understand the Wonderful Whims and Wicked Whims mods include options for orientation.

Move each family into a suitable house anywhere in your game world (you may use an existing house, download one from the gallery, or build your own).

For the duration of this challenge the contestants will be living in the Honeymoon Apartments. You will probably need to build these yourself since the specification is quite unique, or you can download mine from the Gallery. I am not particularly pleased with them since they are more function over form (my sims HATE the decor).

EDIT: If you are using mine you will need to delete the invisible fences at the top of all the staircases. To do this, select the wall/fence tool, hold down CTRL, and click-drag the cursor across the top of the stairs. Alternatively temporarily move the stairs somewhere else so the invisible fence appears, delete it however you would normally, and put the stairs back. Etiher method may make a grey floor appear where there was previously open space, and this can be deleted with the sledgehammer tool. There is some discussion of this issue on this Reddit thread.

The specification for the Honeymoon Apartments is as follows:

Four self-contained apartments with a communal living area

Each apartment may only have one double bed

Skill items may only be located in the communal area

Stoves, bookcases, mirrors and televisions do not count as skill items

Use the manage households screen to move all contestants into the Honeymoon Apartments (you are probably going to need freerealestate on). Do not make any of the couples married in CAS as this will affect their behaviour towards each other in a way that undermines the challenge (e.g. married couples automatically have the option to WooHoo available).

Determine (by whatever process you like) which contestants will be paired up, have each couple walk into one of the four Honeymoon Apartments, and either lock or delete the door.

EDIT: Some mods (e.g. Wonderful Whims or Wicked Whims, and Slice of Life) include more complex personality and/or attraction systems, which could add another dimension to how you match up couples.

You can use money cheats to make sure your sims have enough to live on - managing your budget is not part of this challenge!

You can meddle as much or as little as you like. My personal preference is to generally leave the sims to do what they want to do autonomously but cycle through controlling each sim to make them fulfill one of their whims. If no whims are possible in their current environment (e.g. it is week one, they are not allowed to leave the apartment, but all they want to do is go for a jog, view art at the museum and hang out with family members) you may cancel up to three whims per sim per day to try to get one they can act on. If they still do not have any possible whims, move on to another sim and hope that their mood has changed by the time you get back to them.

Scheduled Romance

Every fourth day you must attempt a romantic interaction between each couple. You may choose which sim will initiate the action, but you must choose an action from the highest tier available to you:

Tier 1 (top tier) - Ask to be boy/girlfriend

Tier 2 - Kiss

Tier 3 - Embrace or hold hands

Tier 4 (bottom tier) - Compliment appearance or confess attraction

If those sims are already boy/girlfriend you may choose any romantic interaction you like. You can even WooHoo, but you may not try for a baby (or risky WooHoo, if you have that mod) before day 20 (if you have a full house of eight contestants this will not be possible without mods anyway).

Week 1 (days 1-4)

Each of your couples will spend time getting to know each other one-on-one. They may not leave their apartment and may not receive guests.

On day 4 each couple must attempt a romantic interaction from the highest tier available to you before 16.00.

At 16.00, if any couples’ relationship status is showing as “bad match”, “terrible match” or “total opposites” they must divorce. This means that they move out of the Honeymoon Apartments and back in with their respective families.

After 16.00, unlock/place the doors to the communal area.

For each sim decide whether to get them a job or whether they will be a stay at home spouse.

Week 2 (days 5-8)

Now the couples must adjust to real life, including going to work and socialising with others. They can hang out with other contestants and receive guests.

You may choose to cause drama if that is your preferred playstyle - alternatively you may find that your sims get into enough trouble on their own!

On day 8 each couple must attempt a romantic interaction from the highest tier available to you before midnight.

At midnight, if any couples’ relationship status is showing as “bad match”, “terrible match” or “total opposites” they must divorce.

Week 3 (days 9-12)

Family visits! Each day, take a couple out to visit one of the partners’ families. Take a vacation day if one or both of the sims were due to be at work. Each couple should only visit one family this week - you can choose which family to visit however you like.

If some of your couples have divorced you may spend a day doing a “follow up” on how one of the separated partners is getting on, or you can just spend the day at the Honeymoon Apartments.

On day 12 each couple must attempt a romantic interaction from the highest tier available to you before midnight.

At midnight, if any couples’ relationship status is showing as “bad match”, “terrible match” or “total opposites” they must divorce.

Week 4 (days 13-16)

More family visits. Exactly the same as week 3, except you are visiting the families you did not visit last week.

On day 16 each couple must attempt a romantic interaction from the highest tier available to you before midnight.

At midnight, if any couples’ relationship status is showing as “bad match”, “terrible match” or “total opposites” they must divorce.

Week 5 (days 17-20)

This is the final week. Your couples have had time to get to know each other, and they have met each others’ families.

On day 20 each couple must attempt a romantic interaction from the highest tier available to you before 19.00.

At 19.00, any couples who are not boyfriend/girlfriend must divorce.

The remaining couples may move out into their own houses in the wider world. If the option is there, you could have them propose to have a second wedding!

EDIT: I keep tinkering with the fourth day timings. Originally they were all set for 16.00 but I found that once family visits started I was struggling to fit in the required actions for the sims who were not on the visit, particularly if they had unusual work schedules.

Limitations of the format

It is very difficult to get away from the fact that Married at First Sight very much reinforces the idea of marriage being between one (cis) man and one (cis) woman. The series has been running for six years now and according to Wikipedia has been filmed in at least 14 countries, with America, Australia and Britain being the most well-known. As far as I can tell there has been a grand total of one gay couple and one lesbian couple on the show (both on the Australian version) and I am not aware of any transgender or polyamorous people appearing as contestants. There is also the criticism of marriage itself being archaic and patriarchal, but I am not going to get into that here. If you want to learn more you could do a lot worse than starting with Wikipedia and going from there.

Whilst the source material is very heteronormative, I looked at different options for my challenge (see the rules section above) and decided that all of my sims would be bisexual. They would therefore be married to their best match, regardless of the gender. I guess I could have decided they were gay/straight after deciding the matches but bierasure is a thing and I decided I would rather have eight wonderful sims who are unable to use chairs properly.

(I can confirm that as I type this I am sitting entirely incorrectly on a kneeling chair.)

For more on incredible bisexuals see this Tweet, this Tweet and this Tweet - the last one is also available on Thread reader.

The mononormativity is somewhat more challenging to mitigate. If you have a mod that allows polyamorous relationships (e.g. Wonderful Whims or Wicked Whims) you could approach this in various ways. To preserve the basic principles of Married at First Sight you could assign each contestant to a polycule rather than a couple, with sizes and configurations of polycules determined however you want. Then in the family visits weeks you could have them visit their other partners (and possibly children) instead of or in addition to their families of birth/choice. Alternatively you could just have a free-for-all for the first two weeks before deciding how to configure your polycules based on who is getting on best, but at that point it seems to me less of a Married at First Sight challenge and more just… playing The Sims. Which is cool too - you do you!

Looking at my contestant’s extended families I chose fairly heteronormative and definitely mononormative family structures, but there is no reason not to have more diverse families in your game. There is no one definition of what a family is, after all, and my real life family is certainly a testament to this!

Other variations

At the end of the day, the only reason you should be playing The Sims is to have fun. If I have put something in these rules that would not make the game fun for you then change or ignore it! This is not a competition, there is no scoring system, and the rules really are more suggestions than anything else.

No scoring system?

I mean, I guess if you really want a scoring system you could have:

50 points for each couple that has a second wedding at the end of the competition

30 points for each other couple that is still together at the end of the competition

-10 points per week that a couple divorces before the end of the competition (the competition is five weeks so a couple divorcing at the end of week one gives you -40 points, whereas a couple divorcing at the end of week four gives you -10 points)

If you manage to have two (or more) couples divorce and contestants who were not originally matched get together you may score them as a couple but for half the normal number of points (25 points for a wedding, 15 points if they are together at the end, -5 points per week after they break up)

I have no idea if that is a viable scoring system, I literally just made it up.

Next time: I will introduce my contestants and explain how I generated both the contestants and their families.

#the sims #sims #sims 4 #the sims 4 #married at first sight challenge #mafs challenge

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27dragons · 6 years

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Name of Piece: The Bliss of Ignorance Square Filled: R3 - didn’t know they were dating Rating: T Warnings: None Summary: Bucky and Tony are friends. It only makes sense they’d do nice things for each other. But there’s nothing between them. Really. Created For: @tonystarkbingo

Bucky was playing paper football with Clint when Tony pushed into the coffee shop, arms laden with thick books, as usual. Bucky felt a warm little spurt of fondness. Of all the friends Steve had made while Bucky was deployed overseas, Tony was his favorite. Bucky waved, then dragged over a chair from another table.

“That stack must weigh almost as much as you,” he said as Tony dropped the books on the table with a relieved sigh.

“Just about,” Tony agreed. “But they don’t have ebook versions, so...” He shrugged. “It’s okay, I only need them for a few days.”

“Mechanical Engineering and Robotics,” Steve read off the spines. “Fundamentals of Robotics Design. Tony, what the heck? You took Fundamentals three semesters ago.”

“Yeah, but I thought I should brush up.” He grinned and bounced in his seat with barely-suppressed excitement. “I got that internship with Fujikawa!”

“What! Tony, that’s fantastic!” Bucky said, amidst the others’ congratulations. “You’re gonna blow ‘em away.”

“I hope so,” Tony said. “I mean, it’s just an internship, I know I won’t be actually working on design or anything, but--”

“They’ll be lucky to have you,” Bucky promised.

“Thanks.” Tony opened one of the books and took out a small stack of pages held together with a paperclip. “Of course, now I’ve got to fill in all this new hire paperwork. Anyone got a pen I can borrow?”

Natasha had one, because she was prepared for everything, always.

Bucky and Clint went back to their game while Tony muttered over the forms he was filling out and Steve and Nat bickered good-naturedly about whose turn it was to decide where their next date would be.

“Oh, dammit,” Tony sighed. “They want an emergency contact number. There’s no way I’m putting my parents on here.”

Tony’s wealthy father had cut Tony off after they’d fought over what Tony should major in, among other things. In defiance, Tony had gotten loans and was finishing up his degree on his own terms. Bucky was ridiculously proud of him. “Put me down, doll,” Bucky suggested.

“Really?”

“Sure,” Bucky said. “I’m mostly on night shift anyway, so I’ll be around when you blow something up.”

Tony huffed, but wrote Bucky’s name and number on the form. “Robotics doesn’t really involve a lot of explosions,” he said. “More’s the pity.”

“Okay, so when you accidentally create an evil robot that’s bent on destroying the world,” Bucky amended. Tony laughed, and Bucky ruffled his hair.

[’ware the readmore!]

Tony pushed open the door to Bucky’s apartment. Bucky had given him a key when it had come up that Bucky’s apartment was closer to the Fujikawa office than the fourth-floor walkup that Tony split with Clint and Pietro. “That way you’ve got a place to stash your books an’ stuff so you don’t gotta lug ‘em all that way,” Bucky had said.

It was handy; Tony kept a couple of changes of clothes at Bucky’s, too, in case he had to work late and crash on Bucky’s couch. And Bucky had given him space in the fridge, too, so Tony could eat dinner there before taking the subway back to his own apartment. They often ate together, in fact -- Tony’s dinner was Bucky’s breakfast.

Bucky was in the kitchen already when Tony came in, humming tunelessly as he made a mess of the eggs in his frying pan. He looked up with a bright smile when Tony came in. “Heya, dollface! Good day?”

“Yeah, actually,” Tony said. “I found a little flaw in the design I was proofreading, and my boss said I probably saved the company a couple of months on the project and a shit-ton of money.”

“That’s great!” Bucky said. He threw his arm around Tony’s shoulders and squeezed him in a quick hug before going back to his eggs. “We should go out to celebrate.”

“Speaking of celebration,” Tony said, “your birthday is coming up. You going to let me plan a party?”

“What? You don’t gotta go to any trouble for me,” Bucky said.

Tony glared at him. “It’s not trouble if I want to do it. C’mon, it’s the first birthday you’ve had since you came back stateside. Let us take you out and have some fun!”

Bucky made a face like he was going to argue, and Tony turned on the pout. Bucky could never resist Tony’s pout.

“Fine, okay,” Bucky sighed. His mouth twitched like he was trying to suppress a smile. “Nothin’ too crazy, though, okay? It’s just a birthday, don’t really mean nothin’.”

“I promise,” Tony lied cheerfully, and whipped out his phone. “Cancelling the hunky male strippers now.”

Bucky laughed. “Nah, you might as well keep those,” he said. “Makin’ Stevie blush is the best present you could give me, anyway.”

(“Oh my god,” Bucky said, three weeks later. “I thought you were kidding about the strippers!”

“Buck, I never kid about strippers,” Tony said solemnly. He’d had to badger Clint and Bruce and Natasha into helping him pay for it, but it was totally worth it for the way Bucky’s eyes had bugged out and the blush that climbed up out of Bucky’s collar.

“Best birthday ever.”)

Steve and Natasha were completely disgusting together pretty much all the time, but for Valentine’s Day, they took it to new heights. “Ug, get a room,” Bucky complained.

“Or,” Clint suggested with a practiced leer, “put on a show.”

“You have a boyfriend,” Bucky reminded him.

“It’s okay, I’ll film it for him.” Clint thumbed on his phone and turned on the photo app.

“Gross. Stevie, what the hell happened to the evils of the industrial marketing complex, huh?”

Steve managed to tear his gaze away from Natasha. “I guess when you’re this much in love, you’ll take any excuse to show it.”

“Oh gag me,” Bucky whined.

“Kinky,” said Tony in his ear. “We haven’t even gotten to third base yet.”

“Jesus!” Bucky jumped. “Where’d you come from?”

“Just got here.” Tony dragged out a chair and dropped into it, then tossed a package into Bucky’s lap.

“What’s this?” Bucky picked the box up and turned it over.

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Tony said. “The bodega on Seventh already has their chocolate on post-holiday markdown.”

“Nice!” If Bucky was going to have to watch his paired-off friends being all sappy and cute with each other all day while Bucky was single, it was nice to have consolation chocolate to go with it. “But don’t think this means I’m putting out.”

“What about this one?”

Bucky leaned over Tony’s shoulder to read the Craigslist ad. “I dunno, this guy sounds like a creeper.”

“They all sound like creepers,” Tony pointed out. “It’s a roommate-wanted ad.”

Bucky chewed on his lip. He could appreciate Tony wanting to move out of Clint and Pietro’s apartment to give the two their privacy, but he didn’t like the idea of Tony living with a stranger. Especially not with the creeps and drug dealers that seemed to be all Tony was finding on Craigslist.

Fuck it. “You could always move in with me,” he said. Bucky’s apartment was small, but he had it to himself.

Tony gave him a wide-eyed look. “I already impose on you enough.”

“Nah. Half your stuff is at my place anyway, you might as well just bring the rest.”

Tony rubbed at the spot on his chest that meant he was considering it. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said. “I don’t want to go back to night shift, but losing the pay differential kinda sucked. Little help with the rent and bills would be nice, honestly.”

“I’m graduating next semester,” Tony reminded him. “Once I get a real job, I can help out a lot more.”

“Bet Fujikawa’s gonna snap you right up,” Bucky said. “They keep re-upping your internship. They know you’re a keeper.”

“Okay,” Tony said. “Yeah, we can make that work. I bet Clint and Piet will be relieved to have the place to themselves, finally.”

“Everyone wins,” Bucky agreed.

Tony heard the door open, but didn’t look up from his homework. “Welcome home, snugglebug.”

“Hey there, shmoopsie,” Bucky shot back. The ridiculous pet names had started as mockery of Steve and Nat, and then turned into their own private joke. “Anything interesting happen today?”

“Rhodey nearly had a nervous breakdown in the computer lab when the printer ran out of paper and the IT guy said they wouldn’t be around to refill it until tomorrow,” Tony reported. “But I told him I’d print his paper here and drop it off when we meet up for drinks later. That okay?”

“As long as it’s not a hundred-pager,” Bucky agreed.

“Nah, just twelve.”

“No worries, then.”

“Oh, and we got our invitation to Steve and Nat’s wedding in the mail,” Tony said. He pointed at the table that was more of a dumping ground than a useful surface. “Singular invitation. One of them, for both of us.”

Bucky snorted as he picked it up and turned it over. “Fancy,” he commented. “What, no ‘and Guest’ for either of us?”

“Steve did say they were trying to keep it small and intimate,” Tony pointed out. “If either of us were dating anyone, they’d already know about it.”

“They didn’t have to send us an invitation at all,” Bucky said. “Seeing as we’re both in the wedding party.”

“I think that’s just so we can mark our dinner preference,” Tony said. He squinted at his homework, erased a line of math, and reworked it.

“Oh, yeah, here’s the card. Oh, you already filled it out for us. How’d you know I’d want the chicken?”

“Because you only like steak if it’s still bleeding, and there’s no way to get real rare steak from a catering venue.”

“You know me so well.” Bucky messed up Tony’s hair on his way past. “Guess you’ll be an okay date.”

“I hope I catch the bouquet,” Tony quipped. “Then you’ll have to marry me.”

Bucky snared Steve’s elbow and drew him aside. “Stevie. I hate to be a wet blanket at your own rehearsal dinner, but...”

“What’s wrong, Buck?”

“The room you got for me an’ Tony... Look, I’m super grateful to you guys for putting us up, but there was some kind of mix-up with the hotel, an’ they said they can’t change it without your say-so ‘cause it’s on your credit card.”

“Oh.” Steve looked relieved. “Is that all? We can swing by the front desk and do that. What’s wrong with the room?”

“It’s only got one bed.”

Steve hesitated. “That’s... that’s a problem?”

“What do you-- of course it’s a problem!”

“Sorry, Buck,” Steve said, his eyes wide. “I didn’t know. You guys have been together so long, I just assumed--”

“Wait,” Bucky said. “Wait wait wait. What do you mean, together? You mean Tony and me? Like, together, together?”

“Well... yeah?” Steve blinked. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course we’re not!”

“What do you mean, ‘of course’? You an’ Tony have been living in each other’s pockets for like... two years now. He moved in with you!”

“That’s no different than when he was livin’ with Clint and Pietro! It ain’t like we’re suckin’ face everywhere!”

“We just figured you weren’t all that demonstrative in public. Besides, you flirt with each other all the time,” added Steve.

“It’s a joke.”

Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and looked at him gravely. “Is it?”

Bucky’s mouth fell open, but no protest came out. Over Steve’s shoulder, Bucky could see Tony, laughing as he thumb-wrestled with Pietro over the last slice of bread. Bucky caught himself smiling fondly, and Steve patted his shoulder. “Maybe not as much of a joke as you think, pal,” Steve said. The jerk.

“I’ll... get back to you on that room thing,” Bucky said, unable to tear his eyes away from Tony.

“You do that, Buck.” And Steve was gone.

Shit. Shit. How had he never realized... All their friends thought they were dating? Had been, for... for years.

And sure, they lived together. They went everywhere together, but that was just convenience. It was nice, having company when you were out running errands. It was good sense not to wander the city alone, too, especially when you’d been out having a good time.

And okay, neither of them had gone on any dates in the last couple of years, either, but that was because Tony was focused on his studies and his internship and Bucky was...

Was...

Oh, fuck, was he in love with Tony?

How long had that been going on?

“No dice with the room?” Tony asked when Bucky came back to the table. It was fine, Tony had figured there was a possibility that the hotel’s double bed rooms had already been booked. They could share a bed for two nights; it wouldn’t be that much of an imposition.

“Uh. There’s sort of a... thing,” Bucky said. He looked a little pale.

“Hey, you okay?”

“What? Yeah. Yeah, I’m just...” Bucky looked up and down the table, then took a deep breath, as if steeling himself for something. “Come an’ take a little walk with me?”

“Sure,” Tony said, pushing his chair back. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, leading Tony away from the noise and down a side hall. “I just... Um.” When the rehearsal party was out of sight and almost out of earshot, Bucky stopped and leaned against the wall. “So... the reason we got that room,” he said, eyes on the peeling wallpaper, “is ‘cause apparently everyone thinks we’re. Y’know. Together.”

Tony blinked. Then blinked again. “You mean together, together?”

Bucky huffed out a little laugh. “That’s ‘xactly what I said.”

“Oh my god,” Tony said. “Why the hell would they--” Except it made perfect sense, didn’t it, if you were on the outside, looking in. Bucky and Tony spent all their time together. They flirted. They gave each other gifts. They spent their holidays together. They gave each other Valentine’s gifts and planned each other’s birthday parties. They were each other’s emergency contacts, for fuck’s sake. “Huh.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said.

Tony was beginning to understand why Bucky looked so poleaxed. It wasn’t like he’d never thought about it -- Bucky was one damned fine looking man, after all. But he’d never taken it seriously. Bucky was not just gorgeous but smart and brave and funny and kind, and Tony was lucky enough just being Bucky’s friend. But apparently their friends thought there was more there. And he couldn’t help but understand why. “We’ve been dating all this time, and didn’t realize it,” Tony said.

“I guess so.”

Bucky glanced up, and Tony was arrested by the look in Bucky’s eyes. Longing and hungry. Bucky’s eyes dropped, but only to Tony’s mouth and neck, and Bucky licked his lips, let his teeth drag over his bottom lip.

Oh. Oh. Bucky... wanted that?

With Tony?

Tony’s breath hitched and Bucky’s eyes snapped back up to meet Tony’s gaze.

Tony swallowed. “It’s a nice bed,” he said cautiously.

Bucky nodded slowly. “Looked very nice. Big. Comfy. And it’d be a real hassle to make the hotel change our room now. It’s getting late, and all.”

“That’s true,” Tony agreed. “Maybe we should just keep it.”

“We are here together,” Bucky pointed out. “The invitation said.”

“Hang on, I want to try something,” Tony said. Bucky stared at him, and Tony leaned in, felt the soft rush of air as Bucky sucked in a breath. “Yeah?”

Bucky nodded, and Tony leaned in a little closer to brush his lips against Bucky’s once, twice, a third time.

Then Bucky’s hand curled around Tony’s neck, fingers pushing through Tony’s hair, and pulled him in for another, deeper kiss. Tony’s stomach filled with butterflies and a rush of heat flooded Tony’s body. “Oh god,” he croaked.

Bucky reached for Tony’s hand, lacing their fingers together, then glanced at Tony shyly. “Okay? If they see? If they know?”

Tony grinned. “Honey, apparently we’re the only idiots who didn’t know.” He squeezed Bucky’s hand tighter. “Come on, let’s go back to dinner and make everyone sick at how sappy we are.”

“Steve and Nat have it coming,” Bucky agreed. “And then after dinner...”

“After dinner,” Tony said, thrilling at the thought, “we’ll go back to our room and take advantage of that very nice bed.”

~fin.

#tonystarkbingo #tony stark #bucky barnes #buckytony #winteriron #au: no powers #my writing

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hulahoopingholt · 6 years

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Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Live - Philly

Okay, so I was writing this mainly to share the full scoop with my frenemy @msjessicaday, but then I figured there might be some other people interested in hearing about it, so I’m posting it publicly for all to hear about the most amazing time I had on April 7, 2018 at the Trocadero Theatre in Philadelphia. This is MEGA comprehensive, so cutting for extreme length, but do read on if you want a play by play of the show, or if you want to hear how Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray made surprise guest appearances.

Doors opened at 7PM, and we showed up around 5PM. There were probably about 20 people in front of us at that point. We were surrounded by a really great group of people who were SUPER entertaining and made time fly, thank god, because it was COLD and there wasn’t much to do, haha. People walking by seemed REALLY confused by why there was such a crazy (punny!) line, and when we said we were there for CXGF, most said they’d never heard of it. But then at one point a city tour bus drove by, and the guide looked over at us and said into his mic, “it’s a lot more nuanced than that!” It was fab.

It was general admission seating, and we managed to get 2nd row center seats, thankfully. (I say thankfully bc the theater frisks people as they enter, and so ladies had to line up on the left and guys on the right, which wouldn’t normally be a big deal but since this audience skewed so heavily female, guys from way back toward the end of the line were being allowed in before women who had been in the front of the line which feels like a MIGHTY PAINFUL BIT OF SYMBOLISM WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR THIS SHOW but I digress, because fortunately we had a guy in our group and we sent him ahead to grab our seats, haha.)

Okay I do have the set list so from here on out that’s what I’m going to refer to, but some of the asides/ad libs I may not have in exactly the right order because there was just a lot going on and my memory isn’t the best.

First off, you can see the first 10-15 mins of this show on Rachel’s Facebook Live but I’m still going to paraphrase what happened.

They started with Where’s Rebecca Bunch? Everybody except for Rachel came out and dramatically looked for where Rebecca could be! Gabrielle had Rachel’s phone out and was filming the crowd. She came around the front during the “the town is all atwitter ‘cause the whole town is on Twitter,” and that + the phone got a really loud cheer from the audience. Then Rachel popped out and was like “um, guys, I’m right here, I was just taking a dump in the scary bathrooms.” (Okay so I gather this whole bathroom bit is scripted but this theater REALLY DID have murder bathrooms, the ladies’ room was ALL this Pepto-Bismol pink, the stalls were a) made of what felt like plywood and b) were REALLY short, like I’m only 5′6″ and my head was WELL above the stall wow.) And then Scott was like “that’s just the song we sing whenever we can’t find you” and Rachel goes “um so you just burst into full band and choreo whenever you can’t find me?” So then they all agreed to start with the REAL opener, West Covina. It was really short, but fab. Highlights included Rachel singing “my life’s about to change...oh my fucking gosh,” and then when she got to “because I’m hopelessly, desperately in love with...” and then Vinnie stepped forward and just PREENED. Our audience LOVED him and cheered for him for a really long time. It actually seemed like they were ready to move on but we were all NOPE, WE ARE HERE FOR JOSHUA FELIX CHAN LET US HAVE THIS MOMENT. But then Rachel finished and instead of saying “West Covinaaaaaa” she sang “PHILADELPHIAAAAA.” And Donna Lynne just casually brought up that final note an octave or two and DAMN that is a talented woman.

Then the rest of the cast left and Rachel did a welcome and said how excited they were to be in this historic city. The Trocadero is a rock theater, so she asked how many people in the audience were musical theater nerds and thus this was their first time in a rock theater. Only a few people cheered, so she said “ohhh, this is a pretty cool crowd. If it had been me, I would have [raised hand]. My first concert was Bette Midler at the Staples Center.” She introduced the band, which included Adam Schlesinger on piano and Jack Dolgen on guitar/bass. She said that women have been known to throw their underwear at Adam...and in fact, somebody in Boston had given them their dirty underwear, so we just had to be trashier than Boston. She then said women have been known to throw their tampons at him and mimed removing a tampon from her vagina and throwing it at him. She then said “that is terrible and classless, do not laugh at that joke.” Obviously we all laughed. Then she said “speaking of classless, let’s do a song.”

Song was Sex with a Stranger! Dance moves were appropriately raunchy. Girl was feeling herself, as she should. Highlights included “My name’s Jason.” “Shut the fuck up, Jason, I don’t care about your fucking name.”

She then came back and asked if there were any children in the audience, because it was going to be on a full on sex show. (There was, in fact, one child in the audience, she was behind us in line, haha.) She brought out Vinnie (who walked out with TP on his shoe, oops?) and said “Vinnie...have you ever hooked up with someone in your life...I mean, have you ever hooked up with someone in your life...Vinnie are you a virgin?!” and then got back on track and clarified hooked up with someone you SHOULDN’T have, which then led into We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now. Yup, full on sex show. Lots of thrusting. It was fab and awkward and anything. Honestly, just watch the Facebook Live. It’s about 16 mins in.

Vinnie then wanted to show off his West Covina hoodie that you can buy at merch. Rachel said he’s a really big fan of capitalism and therefore you should buy his hoodie. FUN FACT in the Facebook live when you hear Rachel say “and that gentleman is holding up a t-shirt,” that was my friend holding up the CXGF he had bought before the concert, BOOM RECOGNITION.

So then apparently Boston had an ASL interpreter, and they shared that Period Sex basically looks like holding up a pager to your face, then two bunnies fucking. So she then demonstrated “paging all bunnies...time to fuck.” Oh Rachel.

Rachel then exited and left Vinnie on stage. He said he wanted to share something really personal with us, and when he was little he was super into martial arts and thought that was all he wanted to do, but then he saw a Gene Kelly film and that transformed him, and then he went from wanting to do this [martial arts move] to this [fancy Gene Kelly-esque dance moves]. And he talked about how excited he was to have this number in S3...yes, of course, I’ve Got My Head in the Clouds. Oh, but a great moment was before he started he took off his hoodie, and the audience went wild, and you could just hear Rachel from backstage go, “You all are thirsty. He just took off his hoodie.” LMAO WE HAVE NO SHAME IN OUR THIRST. But the number was great, and the HOLY GHOST came out and was AMAZING and sparkly. And then Vinnie said “let’s see who the Holy Ghost is tonight!” and it was GABRIELLE, who did a high kick and smiled and waved goodbye. (Sidenote, can’t remember when this happened, but Gabrielle was all about the high kicks and Jack would always do a drum hit when she did, and at one point made a crack about how Gabrielle never leaves the house w/o a drum set...to which she responded with another high kick.)

So then Rachel came back out and asked who was single, and made all singletons stand up and lock eye contact with someone, and then said “there, you know each other. Now go meet up for drinks afterward.” She then went into this whole bit about how, and she was totally serious, if anybody met their sig other at this concert, she would marry them at their wedding...but don’t think you could cheat the system, bc she would check up on you. She’d go through social media, interview you both, probably watch you have sex to see if you had chemistry...so honestly, is it really worth it? But then that led into Fuckton of Cats, which was amazing, and the whole cast came out with cat ears and they each had their own kitty personalities and it was just the cutest thing ever.

Then at this point (I’m pretty sure at least) they said how they’d love to meet fans at the stage door, but their schedule is so tight they don’t have time to, so this was time for everyone to get their selfies. So then they posed facing each direction of the theater, like “okay, now this pose is how you’d look when the Eagles won! And now this is how you’d look if someone told you the Eagles suck.” NGL I got some pretty amazing pictures...

Also I can’t remember if this is actually when it happened, but I know the whole cast was on stage for it and it was toward the beginning, so I might be right...there was a center row reserved for cast comp tickets, and there were 3 empty seats. Rachel went “whoa, whose comps didn’t show?” And everybody was mumbling to themselves like “well my people are here.” So Rachel said “actually, those seats are reserved for our founding fathers. That one is Thomas Jefferson... and that one is Benjamin Franklin...and that one.....is Betsy Fucking Ross. Because everybody else is out there with their quills, and she’s like, you know what? I’m gonna sew a GIANT FUCKING FLAG.”

Next up was The Math of Love Triangles. Rachel segued into it by saying she writes with two guys, so sometimes it feels like she’s in a love triangle. She was going back to flirt with the guys in the band...and when she was by Jack, COMPLETELY wiped out, fell right on her ass. But she kept going, so at first we weren’t actually sure if it was an accident or not. Still amazing. But then she got to the end and she couldn’t hit the high note...just raspy air. We cheered anyway. And she then said the cast has been getting really run down with the tour, and in other shows they’d been telling the audience that, but then Jack said it was a real downer, so she decided not to that night...and LOOK what happened. And Jack goes “yeah, well I also say things like...don’t fall.” ASJDKASLFJASLFD They just roasted each other CONSTANTLY it was amazing and honestly Jack is my new fave.

Pete came out next, and Jack stood next to him on guitar as they did I Love My Daughter But Not in a Creepy Way. Pete was super earnest and made a lot of uncomfortable eye contact, and all the while Jack was making these “wtf this is so creepy” faces. ALSO there was a guy in the balcony right by the theater who dressed up like Darryl in Getting Bi, right down to the ‘stache, and Pete pointed him out and you could tell he genuinely loved it and said it was his favorite venue just because of that. OH BUT ALSO when Pete came out, he said “wow, Rachel, you’re looking very rock and roll tonight, all that leather.” She thanked him, and then he said “now you’re supposed to say something about me.” So she said “you look....exactly the same as you always do. It’s like the TV show Doug...you know when he opens his closet and it’s just all green sweater vest? Hmmm, which green sweater vest should I wear today? That’s like Pete...but with yacht clothes.” ASDJLKFNASFAK

Next up was Donna Lynne doing Maybe This Dream, and omg, that woman is a goddess. Seriously. That’s all there is to it. On a really shallow/superficial note, it became really clear to me that they frump her up on the show, because she is GORGEOUS IRL, and also a lot thinner than she looks on TV. But her voice...goddamn. She just makes it seem so effortless. Audience adored her and gave her a standing ovation because she’s magnificent and that’s just what you do in the presence of magnificence. But her niece was there and had just gotten engaged so she congratulated her and said “yay love!” before starting, it was so cute. (Jack, being a snarkosaurus, was like “oh they got engaged? And Donna Lynne said yes, and he goes “I don’t know those people.” AJSDKLASDNA)

Then was Women Gotta Stick Together. Gabrielle referred to it as “remember in S1 when Valencia was just always hangry...let’s go back to that.” Apparently normally during this song she comes into the audience and twirls people, but this stage didn’t have steps so she said “if I point at you, you better fucking dance.” Some people were a bit hesitant but overall people were into it and it was fab. Oh and when Gabrielle got to the line “so if some weird troll named Rebecca moves here from New York and is all up on my boyfrienddd” she turned to Rachel, who gave a tiny wave and said “hiiiiii” in that little voice, you know the one I’m talking about. It was adorable.

Back to the sex with Let’s Have Intercourse. Again, nice and raunchy. At the end Scott handed Rachel the condom and walked off stage, and Rachel asked who wanted it. Crowd obviously went wild, which led to her asking “you DO know it’s not a used condom, right? You’re acting like he personally used this condom...to be clear, this is an unused condom, still in its wrapper.” People STILL cheered, but then one woman in that balcony near the stage by Fake!Darryl shouted “I lost my job three months ago!” Rachel looked taken aback and was just like “whoa, okay, well ifI don’t give you this then I’m the asshole, here you go, take your unused condom.” There was a bit of an exchange trying to get the condom to the woman because it kept falling back down to the stage and Rachel joked about stopping the show so we could get this woman her condom, but alas, had to move on.

Rachel brought out Kabir Akhtar, who is an editor for the show and is from Philly. They talked about Philly for a bit (here). Rachel was also giving him props for being so great at editing and said how he fixes their acting and is so nice about it, because she’ll say “do we have a take like this?” and he’ll say “no, the actress was not in the mood that day,” or she’ll say “oh do we have a shot of my dancing from this angle?” and he’ll say “well the actress had some trouble with this choreography.” And he said “well it’s better than saying ‘ya did it wrong, bitch.” WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THEM CONSTANTLY ROASTING EACH OTHER?! and then Rachel said since he’s from Philly, she told him he could perform any song he wanted...he chose Where’s the Bathroom (here). Then Rachel said she forgot a prop so he had to kill some time...so he talked some more about Philly and then led the crowd in the Eagles chant. Jack was SUPER judgey and was like “I cannot believe a bunch of CXGF fans know ANYTHING about sports let alone care enough about them to know the Eagles chant” LMAO.

Rachel came back out and said “let’s do a song that makes me feel the opposite of how I feel about sports...which is interested,” which of course led into Strip Away My Conscience. Gabrielle and Vinnie joined her and it was appropriately sexy. Rachel tossed a thong out into the audience at the end. Alas, just slightly too far to the right for me to grab.

Then Rachel said there are really three types of guys...there are the Josh Chans, the Nathaniels, and the Gregs. And the problem with loving a Greg is how hard it is to have a relationship when they don’t love themselves. So then Jack came out and did I Could If I Wanted To. He changed a verse to be all about Philly, and it was HILARIOUS. It sounds like he changes a verse at most, if not all, venues to be about their current city, but at least some of this HAD to be improv, which made it even more impressing. He went on a rant about how everybody from Philly has to tell you that they’re from Philly, all you ever hear is that they’re from Philly, if he knows where a person is from they’re from Philly bc it’s all they can talk about, he doesn’t even know where his own family is from except for his Uncle Joe, who’s from Philly. And THEN he went off about how he STILL can’t believe a bunch of musical theater nerds care anything at all about sports or the Eagles or the Flyers, our faves are Miss Saigon, and honestly, I’m SO upset it wasn’t recorded because it was ACCURATE and hilarious and I’m in love. (Seriously Jack, please marry me, bye.)

Then everyone came out and Gabrielle announced it was the intermission and time to stretch, so we all stood up and did I’m So Good at Yoga. At first people weren’t really joining in and she said “no, this is no good,” and insisted we do the yoga moves. (But honestly it was really hard, there wasn’t much space.) Rachel was hilarious in this, basically reenacting the scene from the show. And then at the end the whole cast circled her mockingly while she was on the floor, and Scott ended his post basically thrusting his crotch in her face? And the entire cast burst out laughing and Rachel afterward was like “wow, if I had a nickel for every time Scott’s dick was in my face...I’d have one nickel because that has NEVER happened before.”

Oh also after this Rachel was like “you know, that line ‘I come vaginally...’” and went off on her PSA about how most women can’t climax from vaginal penetration alone and gave us extensive details about the wonders of the clitoris. But she acknowledged there were still going to be some guys in the audience going “no, my dick’s so good,” lmao. It was amazing and Jack was amusing here as well but I can’t quite recall what he said, except he expressed wonderment that nerve endings from the clit extend toward the anus in some women.

That led into the Horny Angry Tango. So they were using handheld mics the entire show, and at one point Vinnie and Pete came out to hold the mics in front of their faces so Scott and Rachel could do the dance and still sing. It was oddly comical. Also at some point here, can’t remember if it was before or after, someone in the audience shouted out “SCOTT I LOVED YOU IN ONCE UPON A TIME” and he seemed startled and said thank you. Rachel said “wow, that was like the equivalent of YouTube comment,” and Scott said “yeah, and I think I did the equivalent of liking it.” Then somebody called out “Rachel, they did a musical episode in S6, you should check it out, I think you’d like it.” Rachel said “okay, and that was an Instagram comment.” They then joked that they just needed someone to say “Come to Brazil!” to make it complete.

Then Adam did What’ll It Be and it was lovely and beautiful but honestly I miss Santino sigh.

Next was First Penis I Saw and i was a fucking delight. Donna Lynne is the cutest, Gabrielle and Rachel doing backup were delightful, and seriously, that song is just so much fun and seeing it live made my life complete.

Then, of course, we had Getting Bi. Pete came out and gave it his all, and the cast joined in with inflatable musical instruments. Scott did the sax solo on a kazoo held up to a mic. Digging it.

This is a random aside because I can’t remember exactly when it was said or why but I need to call it out. At some point Rachel was talking (honestly can’t remember to whom or what about, which is making me sad) and it was going on for a while, but then heckler Jack called out “what are we doing, recording a podcast?” And it was LOL seriously this man is my hero can he be onscreen in S4?

So then Rachel did I’m a Good Person and honestly, what else is there to say? It’s an amazing song, Rachel killed it, she made someone in the audience tell her she was a good person...god I just love this concert take me back please?

Then Rachel came out and said in a stage whisper “okay, I just don’t want the band to hear this. But we’re going to do what’s known in rock venues as an encore. So since for a lot of you this is your first time at a rock venue, an encore is when the band, let’s say Smash Mouth (here we all laughed bc wtf Smash Mouth? And she said it was the only rock band she could think of) finishes their set and they walk offstage to go shoot heroin up their eyeballs, and everybody in the audience goes NOOOO WE NEED MORE SMASH MOUTH and starts chanting SMASH MOUTH SMASH MOUTH, and so then the band goes okay we’ll stop shooting up heroin and do one more song, and so they close on All Star instead of Walking on the Sun. Okay, we’re gonna do that.”

And then Donna Lynne came out to do Face Your Fears and did I mention this woman is a goddess????? Seriously her RANGE is phenomenal, she didn’t even break a sweat hitting any of those notes, her voice is just FLAWLESS and SHE IS A FLAWLESS QUEEN. She started off solo and then the whole cast came out wearing white choir robes to do backup behind her. And when she finished she got another standing ovation (of COURSE, Philly may be obnoxious but we know a little thing called RESPECT) and the cast literally got down on their knees and bowed to her AS THEY SHOULD.

Then there was an empty stage....oh no! But we know to do what we’re told! And started chanting... SMASH MOUTH. SMASH MOUTH. And we had a view of Rachel backstage then and she LOST IT, literally bent over at the waist laughing hysterically at us chanting for Smash Mouth.

So Smash Mouth didn’t come out, BUT Vinnie and Scott did! They performed Fit Hot Guys. They stripped off their shirts to reveal t-shirts w/super ripped bodies drawn on them. They were doing their thing, and then who appears but PETE, wearing only fireman’s pants and a cap, his torso completely slicked up with what he told us later was Pam cooking spray. Vinnie and Scott were all “whoa what are you doing, have you even seen the show?” and Pete’s like “um YEAH HERE I AM” and got SUPER into it, and when they sang “without these pants” he stripped off his pants to dance in his American flag boxers. Anyway Pete is as pure as Darryl and I will protect him with my life. He also proudly stated at the end that he had just started working out this morning. LOVE.

We had the guys, so next up were the ladies doing Let’s Generalize about Men. The crowd just loved it, it’s such a fun song, and you could tell they were having a blast doing it, but I missed Vella. :(

Then there was just Rachel. She spoke to us first (I think? I might be getting my order mixed up slightly here) and said how she had chills hearing us chant Smash Mouth, that it was the perfect mix of improv and flash mobs. So then some girl called out “Rachel, I have a question.” And she went “Wow, okay, that was so polite and direct, okay, what’s your question?” The girl then asked if they could do a song from Rachel’s Sugar Ray Jukebox Musical. She said no, they weren’t remotely prepared to do that...but then Adam started puttering around on the piano and Rachel was like “wow, you know some Sugar Ray?” Soooo that’s the story of how we had a brief singalong with Rachel Bloom to Fly by Sugar Ray, and yes, she did the dance moves she did in the video.

Then we got to Stupid Bitch, which she said she knew everyone could relate to at some point in their lives. Right before the final note, she stopped, walked over to her water bottle, played up taking a looooooong drink of water, and then came back to center stage to hit that final high note. We were proud of her.

And then FINALLY, we closed out the night with Heavy Boobs. Rachel stripped off her shirt (she said we had earned it) and showed off her bra, which she said was a Natori. My friend shouted out that it was a great brand and Rachel nodded and agreed that it was a great brand. The entire cast came out midway with bras over their clothing to dance along with her...and that’s it! That’s the show!

Seriously it was beyond amazing. I didn’t take any photos/video other than the selfie moment since I was so close to the stage I thought it would be really obvious/obnoxious...I KIND of regret that just because I want to LIVE IN THE MOMENT FOREVER, but honestly, it was just SO MUCH FUN that I wouldn’t change a thing. It was more than 2 hours long and it felt like 10 minutes. I laughed SO much, and was blown away by all the crazy talent on stage. And I need them all to be my best friends.

I know the tour’s winding down now, and tickets are all sold out, but seriously, if they do this again? Do NOT hesitate. Go. Just go. (Also maybe have a guy in your group if it’s general admission, really my best tip.)

Also if anybody was at Philly and remembers anything else PLEASE SHARE I AM TRYING MY BEST TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING FOREVER AND ALWAYS AND I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ALL YOUR RECOLLECTIONS AS WELL TO HELP WITH THAT EFFORT. <333

#Crazy Ex Girlfriend #Crazy Ex Girlfriend Live #Rachel Bloom #also I'm not even from Philly...my friends and I joke that we claim it for the good and disavow ourselves for the bad #but I could appreciate the fully Philly experience #you could tell the cast was having SO much fun and honestly that made it even better #okay now that I'm done my novel I'm gonna go #byeeee

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hopevalley · 6 years

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Is Jack really going to die??? Really??? The rumour mill is working overtime and I don’t know what to believe! I am worried for the fate of the show. Love your blog and detailed analysis of the episodes and show itself. My fav post is the one about the miner’s dance in season 1!!

Thank you! I’m hoping to get back to S1 after S5 wraps up so that I can talk more about the earlier parts of the show, especially the episodes and characters people originally fell in love with. Maybe I’ll even attempt detailed posts for each of the earlier episodes (though perhaps not quite as detailed as, you know, the current ones). I’m glad you enjoyed that post; it was fun to put together.

As far as Jack’s fate goes, I’ve mentioned it before, but for clarity’s sake, here’s my opinion of the situation, starting with the position the showrunners and writers have found themselves in. (I don’t think we can pretend these are the same people; writers are given parameters to work within and the showrunners, a catch-all term for the people who make The Decisions, are the ones who more or less set those parameters.)

If we assume Dan would like to end his time with When Calls the Heart, and in fact, Hallmark in general, the showrunners are given a few options. Here are the basic outlines for what those are:

They beg Dan to return for a cameo episode for each season/for the special each season and limit Jack’s role to just those episodes/films.

They end the series.

They write Jack and Elizabeth off the show.

They recast for the role of Jack Thornton.

They write Jack off the show.

To talk about these a bit further, let’s get into details.

1.) They beg Dan to return for cameos. They’re kind of already doing this, and it’s not working. Imagine if he had just one episode or a few scenes in the Christmas special per season! Yikes. Jack’s role is too big and too important in the series (as part of the main couple) to reduce him to a guest star. It forces his relationship with Elizabeth to stalemate and get dull. Too, if Dan wants off the show, he probably isn’t willing to tie himself down by any definition, which would include filming even for cameos. So even though this is an option for us to consider, it may not actually be in the cards for the showrunners’ consideration.

2.) They end the series. A solid option, but clearly not one the showrunners want to take right now. They have an active fanbase for the show; the fans are dedicated; it’s making money… And hey, theoretically, anyway, they have tons of characters; it feels silly to end the show because just one character needs to be removed.

3.) They write Jack and Elizabeth off the show. WAIT. HEAR ME OUT! This would be the smoothest route because they could still appear for cameo scenes or films if the actors were up for it. It would also allow for a happy ending for Jack and Elizabeth. The best part is that they could easily write it in as Jack gets a more permanent posting further north and Elizabeth, who is now his wife of course, has to go with him. Well, that’s what being married to a Mountie is usually like! The problem is that this, you know, takes away Elizabeth, too, and I doubt Erin wants her role reduced that drastically. There’s also a middle ground, here, I think, where Jack is reassigned and Elizabeth “finishes up the school year” or “stays on in Hope Valley until a new teacher is found” or something like that, to buy time to go through another season. Jack is gone, yes, but that leaves room for letters and other correspondences, which could be lovely for the fans. It would give Elizabeth fun things to talk about with Abigail, too. And time to say her goodbyes. Also, after she leaves to be with Jack (maybe on a prettier parcel of land in another great community that her time in Coal/Hope Valley has prepared her for), she can still send correspondences and/or appear for scenes/come back to Hope Valley to visit. Abigail sharing Elizabeth’s letters with others in town (or Rosemary doing this) would be pretty sweet. I mean, it would suck without Erin on the show much, but I think it would be a very kind end to the ship and characters. We can at least imagine they’re living their best life and having a good time.

4.) They recast for the role of Jack. Now, this one’s a risk. On the plus side, it lets the relationship pick up where it left off and lets it move forward at full speed. No more stalling, no more boring blahs. Just Jack and Elizabeth doing their best to make a life together out in Hope Valley. No, it’s not Dan, and for most people Jack will always be Dan, but…let’s be real: isn’t it better than losing Jack entirely? I think so. That said, there are two downsides to this: the first is that the fans might not take too kindly to a recast of their darling, and the second is that Jack Wagner, who actually seems to enjoy his time on the show, yet, wouldn’t have much of a role as Bill if the character of Jack stuck around and, you know, took his job back. Neither would deter me from making the call to recast, but they are worth considering.

5.) They write Jack off the show. This is the easiest route by far. The actor wants off? Let’s take the character off, too. It’s not like it’s new on this series. We’ve had characters disappear without an explanation or mention (Cat, Gabe) and a few others weakly written off (Rev. Anderson, Shane, Frank). It’s an easy option to get rid of a character the showrunners don’t want to deal with anymore, or to dispose of a character when the actor decides to call it quits with the series. The problem is that they can’t be cheap with Jack’s write-off. He can’t just disappear, and the reason the character leaves for good has to make a lot of sense to avoid upsetting the fans. Since a break-up would enrage them, the only option left is to kill him.

Look, Jack’s been written poorly for a while now. It’s unfortunate, but it also makes me doubt they’d do any better with, you know, a recast of Jack. Besides, the fans probably wouldn’t take to a new person playing their favorite. It makes sense that they’d veto that idea first. The next-best idea is to write Jack and Elizabeth off together, but it has to happen reasonably (she needs to go at the end of S6), and I doubt Hallmark wants to write off two of their three main characters; they’d be lucky if they had a show left at that point. I also doubt their ability to write plots that don’t somehow center on the main characters; so far they’ve proven they’re in it for the cheese and drama and no real character development. I mean, for goodness’ sakes, Bill is bitten by a rattlesnake and almost dies and he’s supposed to have come to trust AJ’s motivations as being genuine, and yet we know he won’t mention her again for the rest of the season, and we’ll be lucky to see her in the first half of S6. To think after her sentence, which is to be less than Gowen’s, at least as far as Bill knows, she might return to Hope Valley to start her life over (as per her own wishes) is almost impossible for me to imagine happening—not because the character wouldn’t do it, but because the writers won’t. Or, you know, maybe Josie won’t. For another example: Carson the brain surgeon? Is that going to ever mean anything outside of the episode it’s featured in?

Again, losing Jack and Elizabeth limits them to Abigail as the lead character for S7+, and they’d rather not limit their options I guess.

With ending the series & begging for cameos from Dan out of the question, that really only leaves killing Jack.

Again, hey…I get it! I’m a writer and I know sometimes to make something work you have to do something kind of drastic. However, this is a betrayal of the trust of your audience, at least in terms of pacing.

I know what they were trying to do with the wedding. The fans don’t get to keep Jack, but at least they can give Jack and Elizabeth a lovely, beautiful, more or less perfect wedding. Heck, even her father shows up! And on the whole the fans were excited for the wedding and loved every bit of it.

My irritation doesn’t stem from what I feel are genuine attempts to do something good for the fans, to get them as close to something nice as they can manage, circumstances considered. Fine, get them married! And let it be OOC for half of the characters in the process. It’s not my problem.

But I’m not going to quietly ignore the fact that while they wrote in that stupid fire plot to force the town to “come together” (in an OOC way) to help Jack and Elizabeth achieve their dream wedding (that they could have had anyway if just they’d elected not to write that plot), they should have spent their time keeping the threshold scene. Or a longer father/daughter dance. Or a longer dance with Jack. We all know they had sex afterward, it’s not like showing them stepping over the threshold is going to give the audience the wrong idea. C’mon. Most people have sex on their wedding night.

And what about all of these previews, and silly ways of trying to force the audience to feel secure in believing in Jack’s safety? Have you ever trained 50 idiots who have never held a gun before? Or did much horseback riding? Let’s be real, it’s not that safe. Better than an all-out war, but my point still stands.

Listening to Elizabeth say, over and over, “Just a few weeks,” “I can’t wait to be in your arms again,” is patronizing and cruel, mostly because it feels a little more aimed at the audience than it does a natural part of her character.

Again, I’m not here for Jack or Elizabeth (I don’t relate to either of them at all), but this is ridiculous. The fans have a right to be upset, not because the showrunners felt pushed into a corner where they have to make a choice to either eliminate Elizabeth and Jack for a kind ending OR just eliminate Jack with a tragic one, but because it feels like the audience is being unfairly baited with these stupid in-show attempts to convince them that Jack’s Totally Fine (when all it makes me think is that he’s Dead Meat). I felt from the start of this season that it was very possible Jack would die. It didn’t come out of nowhere at all! Which makes the “He’s Totally Safe” lines uttered by various characters, especially out of context in previews, really aggravating.

Anyway, again, I’m also angry on behalf of those fans because the writers (or showrunners, whoever Made the Decision) wasted time putting roadblocks in Jack and Elizabeth’s way when we could have had a couple of small honeymoon scenes instead. I mean, honestly…just show them eating a dinner together talking about the day they had. The land dispute? Stupid. Skip straight past it or let it happen while they’re gone and send them to Chicago. Abigail could have dealt with the land dispute. And oh. HEY. SHE DID ANYWAY. It was a waste of time for the audience and the characters. The dancing in the cafe scene was sweet but I think most fans would have preferred to see them on their honeymoon having dinner or going to a play instead—a hint that they had the honeymoon they wanted. Then, before they came back, Bill could have spoken to the NWMP officer about Jack’s new placement/promotion. Bill being kind of excited for Jack would have been really nice, too, and a quiet kind of proof to the audience that this truly is an honor, not just Jack trying to reassure Elizabeth…or, you know, THE AUDIENCE under the guise of reassuring Elizabeth.

Even in this make-believe scenario I’ve constructed, it’s still sad that Jack gets sent away, especially in the event that he dies. But it would feel less sudden than our canon, which has him getting sent away the day after his wedding even though Bill took care of a full escort for him the day before and of his wedding! Two weeks after would make more sense. And then Elizabeth could have just stayed in Hope Valley.

I typed all of this to say that I think it’s very likely Jack is going to die. Unfortunately the other options just…weren’t in the cards, perhaps due to the lack of time in which to figure something out (and the fact that they didn’t bring me on board to write the show).

My giant ego aside, if Jack dies, he dies. There’s nothing that can be done about it, now. Be angry if you want to be, if you feel that way; I think anger is a valid emotion to be feeling right now, if not at the direction the story felt it needed to take, but at the bogus wastes of time plots we had to endure when we could have had something more reasonable.

In the end it boils down to: with Jack off the show, will you keep watching it? And I know for a lot of fans, the answer is no. Or…they’ll tentatively watch the S6 Christmas Special and see how it reads before they make up their mind fully. That’s very reasonable, I think.

And for the record, I’m also worried about the direction the show will take. If the Duncan + Greta storyline was anything to go by, it’ll be the Abigail & Elizabeth Show, where we watch their new club (“Minding YOUR Business”) debut at full capacity. I pray that’s not the case. I don’t think I’d enjoy watching anymore.

To add to my bummed-out feelings, the way they’ve written Abigail lately has been nearly intolerable, and I say that with a heavy heart; she was pretty much my favorite character in S1/2/3. She feels different now, and not in a lovely she-had-character-development sort of way.

Like so many other good characters, she’s just a flimsy plot vehicle. And sadly, the plots she’s used for aren’t even good. There is a lot to her they could utilize, but just the same as with others who are like that (Frank, Jesse, Clara, Laura, the kid characters), they ignore it in favor of doing whatever fits the plot.

As a writer, it’s kind of your job to construct plots that are built around your existing characters, but I guess that’s not something most writers understand.

At this point in the show, it’s very frustrating, and made worse now by the mere idea of Jack dying. Like great, now with the last of the old structure of the show gone, what are they going to do with their ragdoll characters next?

I mean, maybe they’ll surprise me, but you’re not gonna catch me holding out hope for Hope Valley.

#anonymously asked #answered mail #when calls the heart #season 5 spoilers #season 5 shenanigans #analysis and meta discussion #wcth critical

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quiltdeer52-blog · 5 years

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Cranberry Bliss Bars

Tis’ the season for Cranberry Bliss Bars! So first of all let me preface this blog post by mentioning that I could house an entire box of Starbucks Cranberry Bliss Bars to myself. In one sitting. They are one of my all-time favorites. So I decided to make a gluten-free, grain-free, copycat version because why the hell not?! It’s Christmas!

Okay so another thing I should maybe mention is that I’m obsessed with Christmas. Like OBSESSED obsessed. I put my tree up the day after Thanksgiving and I’ve had eggnog in my fridge since late September. What?! I can’t help it. Christmas is the best. Mainly because everything is covered in lights, Uggs are acceptable footwear, scarves are the best accessory, and the baking is on point. Oh man is the baking on point. Not only is baking so fun and delicious, but then you can also use the heat from the oven to heat your house, so it’s kind of like you’re saving money. Is it? No, it’s not, but just go with it.

So I also have been meaning to write a follow up to my July blog post about how I quit drinking for 8 months. Oh, you haven’t read that post yet? Well let’s go ahead and pause here so you can get caught up. It’s fine, I’ll wait…

And we’re back. So lots of you wonderful blog readers have reached out wondering, “What the heck Vanessa, are you a full-blown alcoholic again after your Honeymoon, or what? The people are dying to know.” So let’s go ahead and get right on into it, here’s my recap: I drank on our Honeymoon, I had champagne, piña coladas, dirty martinis, the works. I really enjoyed myself and I was surprisingly not hungover at all. I think the most drinks I had in one day would be about 4 though, so it’s not like I was a college girl after finals or anything.

I definitely felt and still feel myself sliding back in though. As I type this it’s only be 6 days since I’ve had a drink. After vacation ended I stayed sober until I visited a friend in San Francisco for my birthday (about a month total) and then I didn’t drink at all the month of October, I did a “Sober October” to try and get my sh!t together. Then November came in hot! I’ve basically drank every weekend in November, usually 3-4 drinks, sometimes in one day, sometimes over the whole weekend. We visited family in Tucson earlier in the month, then I had a friend in town, and then it was Thanksgiving…blah blah blah excuses, excuses. So I basically feel like someone who is walking up a steep hill and then every few feet or so, I slide back down part of the way. I believe “a slippery slope” is the easier and technical way to say that right? Ugh. See. Alcohol makes you dumb. Even after 6 days without it.

The original plan was to only drink on Holidays, special occasions, or when it’s really worth it. That plan has proven much harder to stick to than I originally thought it would. I think I just want to be one of those “in moderation” people so bad that I’m like, “Oh yeah, totally, I can make that work.” I’m still going to earnestly give that route a try because it makes the most sense to me. So the goal now is to make it until Christmas Eve without a drink and then start fresh in the New Year and go as long as I can again.

Each time I drink now I make a conscious effort to really ask myself, “What is it about this that I think I like so much?” because to be completely honest, the last few times I’ve gotten buzzed, it’s given me a sort of nervous paranoid anxiety that made me feel like, “I don’t like this, I feel uncomfortably fuzzy, I can’t articulate what I’m trying to say to this person, and I feel like everyone knows I’m drunk.” but then I still continue to do it anyway. Why? Is it to just check out of reality for a second? Or make things more challenging just for the fun of it? What is it? I’m still trying to figure this out.

On our 6 hour road trip to Tucson, Brad and I played the New York Times 36 Questions to Love which you are actually supposed to play with someone you’ve never met, but I thought it would be a good way to kill time. We’re married, so obviously we already knew a lot of the answers to the questions about each other, but it was still fun and there were actually quite a few that we didn’t know about each other. Like Question 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? He said me! Isn’t he the best?! That’s why I married him, but then I made him pick someone else besides me and he said Jesus. Which I thought was strange since he doesn’t believe in God, but anyway that’s another blog post for another time.

Fast forward to Question 12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? His answer was amazing, he said, “I’d wake up without any vices.” Well, wow, that got me thinking (mainly because my answer was something dumb like be invisible or be able to sing) what causes us to have vices or need vices? Is that why I think I’m entitled to a drink whenever I want one? Is it because we live in a world where we feel entitled to our vices? Like we’ve earned them?

So I guess the Cliff’s Notes version of this blog post is I’ve realized I don’t particularly enjoy drinking that much anymore, but I’m still doing it anyway, and I have no idea why. Maybe I need therapy?! Or maybe I just need to read This Naked Mind again. Then the other part of me is like, who cares, YOLO, just drink and be merry. It’s the quintessential angel and devil on each shoulder.

So knowing what I know now, would I have still chosen to drink on my honeymoon or would I have continued my non-drinking stretch? The answer is yes, I would have still drank regardless. I enjoyed having piña coladas in St. Barth’s and having expensive champagne on my wedding night in St. Maarten, and drinking a cocktail as I watched the sun set over Anguilla. Yes. I’d do it again and again. It was part of the experience for me, and while it’s true that I know I would have had just as much fun without it, I still liked the feeling of just letting my hair down and completely indulging with no guilt. Just like you’re supposed to do on vacation.

As someone who rarely lets their hair down, meaning that figuratively rather than literally, because I’ve actually been wearing my hair down a lot lately, as I feel a workout bun is just not an appropriate way to present myself to society, no matter how convenient it may be and I spend way too much money cutting and coloring my hair to just throw it up so no one can see. I’m rambling aren’t I, where were we again?

Ah! Letting my figurative hair down felt really nice and carefree. And since I’m an abstainer, it’s hard for me to get out of the drinking cycle, if I’m still drinking on weekends. Are you as confused as I am? It’s hard getting all of your random thoughts and feelings into one concise point or blog post, so forgive me if this post seems scattered. I blame the alcohol obviously. 😉

I’m excited to see what 2018 has in store! I’m excited to get off the drink again and get back to that place where I was living my best life and things weren’t so foggy. As much as our society worships alcohol, I think there is really something to be said about living an alcohol-free life. It’s charming almost, simple and charismatic.

So anywho! That’s that. The married life rules too in case you were wondering. I love it! Everyone I tell that to says, “Oh well enjoy it while you can, that will change real soon!” Um, excuse me, that’s not nice. Be nice. Speaking of being nice, you absolutely have to make these copycat Cranberry Bliss Bars because they are just too delicious not to, they are very nice. So nice in fact that I think Santa took them off the ‘Naughty’ list just for you.

12 tablespoons (170 g) salted butter, browned

2 cups (184 g) sifted fine grain blanched almond flour

1/4 cup (40 g) coconut flour

1½ teaspoons baking soda

1 teaspoon cream of tartar

¼ teaspoon fine-grain sea salt

¼ teaspoon ground ginger

1 cup (135 g) sifted maple sugar

2 large eggs, room temperature

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1 cup (6 oz./180 g) white chocolate, chips or chopped

½ cup (70g) dried cranberries

16 ounces (452g) cream cheese, softened (see Notes for dairy-free option)

8 tablespoons (112g) unsalted butter, softened

1 cup (115g) (70g) powdered sugar, or sifted maple sugar

¼ cup (60ml) light-colored raw honey

1 teaspoon orange extract

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup (50g) finely chopped dried cranberries, for garnish

½ cup (90g) white chocolate, chips or chopped, for garnish

Brown the butter by placing it in a medium-sized heavy-bottomed saucepan (2.5qt./2.3L) and cook over medium-low heat. Stir intermittently using a rubber spatula. As the butter melts it will start to bubble and foam. As the butter continues to brown, the color will turn from lemon yellow to amber and go from a loud bubble to quiet simmer. When the butter is ready, brown specks will have formed at the bottom of the pan and some will start rise in the foam. The butter will also have a very pleasant nutty aroma. Remove from the heat and let cool for about 15 minutes. While butter is cooling prepare other ingredients.

In a large mixing bowl combine the almond flour, coconut flour, baking soda, cream of tartar, ground ginger, and salt. Stir together using a fork until well combined; set aside. In a separate medium mixing bowl add the maple sugar.

Once the butter has cooled, use a rubber spatula to transfer it into the maple sugar bowl, use the spatula to scrape in the browned bits as well. Beat together the butter and sugar with an electric mixer on low speed until combined, about 1 minute. Once the butter and sugar are mixed together, add eggs one at a time, mixing well after each, and then add the vanilla. Increase mixer speed to high and continue to beat until smooth bubbles appear on the surface, about 1 minute.

Transfer the wet egg mixture to the dry mixture. Use the spatula to scrape out any remaining liquid in the bowl. Beat on low until thoroughly combined. Then mix in the white chocolate and cranberries by hand. Scrape the dough down into the bowl and cover with plastic wrap, pressing directly on the surface. Place in the freezer to chill for one hour.

About 15 minutes before the hour is up, adjust oven rack to the middle position. Preheat the oven to 350°F (177°C). Line a 9x13 quarter sheet pan with parchment paper; set aside.

Once the dough is chilled, use fingertips to grab some dough and spread the dough evenly across the pan. Place a piece of parchment paper over the dough and roll out until the dough reaches the edges of the pan. It will rise during baking. Bake for 22-25 minutes or until browned on the top and edges and a toothpick comes out clean. Make sure the middle is cooked through completely. Cool completely before frosting.

Add the cream cheese and butter to a large mixing bowl or to the bowl of a stand mixer. Beat together using a hand mixer or stand mixer set on medium speed until fluffy and combined. Gradually add the sugar, beating well after each addition. Then add the honey, vanilla, and orange extract and continue to mix until smooth and creamy.

Use an angled frosting spatula to spread the frosting across the cookie layer. To garnish, sprinkle the dried cranberries across the frosting.

Melt the white chocolate in the top pan of a double boiler over simmering water. Stir until smooth. Another method is to place the white chocolate in a large glass or metal mixing bowl set over a saucepan of simmering water. Stir intermittently, using a rubber spatula, until the white chocolate is completely melted. Once melted, let slightly cool, then transfer to a piping bag or re-sealable plastic bag with the corner cut off. Drizzle across the top of the frosting.

Use a sharp large chef’s knife to cut into 12 squares, wiping the blade after each cut. Then cut each square in half diagonally. Serve immediately. Store any leftovers covered in the refrigerator for up to 4 days.

To make these dairy-free, sub ghee for the butter (I recommend Tin Star Browned Butter Ghee or 4th Heart Ghee) and sub dairy-free cream cheese for the cream cheese in the frosting. Kite Hill makes a great dairy-free cream cheese and you can find their products in health food stores across the country. Omit white chocolate chips or use a dairy-free version.

Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/

December 1, 2017 | 17 Comments

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Tags: Bars, Cookies, Eggnog, Holidays, Paleo Desserts

Source: http://cleaneatingwithadirtymind.com/2017/12/01/cranberry-bliss-bars/

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obtusemedia · 6 years

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In Ascending Order: Ranking Taylor Swift’s singles worst to best

After slowly tilting her sound away from Nashville more and more with each album, Taylor Swift made a clean break from country five years ago with her synthpop masterpiece, 1989. It was about as successful as a pop album could be, producing three massive #1 hits and cementing Swift as the world’s biggest popstar.

Fast forward three years, and her next album, reputation, was bitter and moody — a good fit for the American landscape of 2017, but a far cry from the bright melodies and fun sing-a-longs of her previous smashes, Red and 1989. The lead single hit #1, but quickly stumbled down the charts and the album’s follow-up singles didn’t have the same impact. But you’ll still find those who defend reputation, and a year and a half later, it’s clear there are some gems hidden in the wreckage.

Now that Swift is entering her 30th year of life with a catalogue that’s ran the gamut from country-fried ballads about teen crushes to vengeful electropop bangers about Kanye West, I thought it was a good time to look back on her career. Because despite her negative (sorry) reputation right now, Swift has contributed many great songs to the modern pop canon.

Here’s the ground rules: The song had to be a single from one of Taylor Swift’s six albums. No deep cuts (apologies to “All Too Well”), no soundtrack tunes (sorry, Fifty Shades) and no featured spots on others’ songs (asking me to listen voluntarily to John Mayer is too much to ask, sorry).

#37: “End Game” feat. Future and Ed Sheeran (reputation, 2017)

Listen, Taylor, if you want to have guest rappers on your single, that’s fine. But maybe get, you know, actual rappers. Ed Sheeran doing his awkward schtick certainly does not count. If this was a hip-hop flavored pop song, fine — then why is legitimate rapper Future here? The Atlanta trap icon feels so out of place on this gentrified R&B cut, and he only gets a few bars anyways, making his appearance seem more like Swift wanting cred more than anything else.

Honestly, if that was the only problem, “End Game” wouldn’t be last place on this list. But nope, the song itself is a giant mess in itself. The production aims for sexy and nocturnal and lands in lethargic. And what is this song even about? Is Taylor making a song about how cool she and her boyfriend are, or about her negative reputation? The post-chorus, which suddenly veers into that later topic, tries so desperately to be a chant-along and it falls utterly flat.

With all of Swift’s other singles, even the ones I don’t like, I at least understand how someone could like it. But I have no clue who “End Game” is for, or who would enjoy listening to it.

#36: “Ours” (Speak Now, 2010)

I’ve listened to this song many times, and I find it hard to remember a single hook or line. “Ours” isn’t aggressively awful, but it is painfully bland, and I have no plans on listening to this nondescript ballad after I’m done writing this.

#35: “Fifteen” (Fearless, 2008)

I can’t take away the good intentions of “Fifteen.” The general message of being wary of manipulative older men (or, in this case, high school seniors) and enjoying youth while it lasts is nice, if a bit cliché.

But this song still bugs me. Swift sings the story of her and her (real-life!) friend Abigail’s experiences as ninth-graders like she’s a wise elder, looking back with years of experience. But she was only 18 when she wrote “Fifteen” — I’m sure she matured some in those three years, but once you realize that, it makes the whole song come off as fairly condescending.

Couple the after-school special lyrics with a sickeningly sweet acoustic guitar musical style, and “Fifteen” doesn’t hit the mark.

#34: “Gorgeous” (reputation)

The lyrics aren’t the problem here (except that any Angeleno knows that at the intersection of Sunset and Vine, it’s just a Walgreens). Nah, it’s the shrink-wrapped production that drives me nuts. There was the potential for a great, 1989-esque pop song here, but it got neutered.

#33: “Mean” (Speak Now)

Given that Swift eventually became the music industry’s Regina George, this song has aged horribly. Also, this sounds way too much like the Country Bear Jamboree for me to take it seriously.

#32: “Bad Blood” feat. Kendrick Lamar (1989, 2014)

The worst song from Swift’s best album, “Bad Blood” is a clunky mess that frankly doesn’t go hard enough. If you’re going to make a diss track towards Katy Perry, go for the kill shot! Prism was mediocre, her whole look was tacky, she wrote this disaster — Swift had plenty of options. But I guess she felt adding a couple phoned-in Kendrick Lamar verses, getting Selena Gomez and Lena Dunham (??) in the music video, and spouting clichés did the job better. *shrugs* At least it’s catchy.

(Side note: Perry obviously lost that feud, but “Teenage Dream” is absolutely flawless and probably better than any song Swift wrote)

#31: “Everything Has Changed” feat. Ed Sheeran (Red, 2012)

“Everything Has Changed” has a gorgeous, wilting chorus, and Swift and Sheeran have clear chemistry. Beyond that, it’s unfortunately kind of forgettable.

#30: “Fearless” (Fearless)

I’m honestly not sure why this needed to be a single. It’s fine and all, but it doesn’t stick in the brain compared to Fearless’ other smash hits.

#29: “New Year’s Day” (reputation)

Ending the brash reputation with a quiet, sparse piano ballad was a smart move, and the bittersweet “New Year’s Day” is a solid enough tune.

But here’s the thing — Swift wasn’t the only popstar in 2018 to put a minimalist, Jack Antonoff-produced piano song on her album. Lorde did nearly the exact same thing just a few months earlier with the heartbreaking “Liability,” which is much rawer and more intense than “New Year’s Day.” In other words, when I hear Swift’s ballad, I enjoy it, but I find myself wishing she went for the emotional jugular like Lorde did.

#28: “Tim McGraw” (Taylor Swift, 2006)

Here’s the part where I admit that I’m really not into country music, so a lot of Swift’s very early material isn’t for me. But, like with other genres I don’t love, I can at least respect talent, and “Tim McGraw” is a great piece of detailed, nuanced songwriting. But acoustic-y country ballads will never be my favorite.

#27: “The Last Time” feat. Gary Lightbody (Red)

Here, we have the opposite situation as “Tim McGraw” — a musical style I love, but not done very well.

These types of Coldplay-esque, faux-indie power ballads were totally my thing back in the day (shoutout to The Fray and obviously, Coldplay). But although “The Last Time” does have real bonafides with its soaring chorus, great guitar solo, and Snow Patrol frontman Gary Lightbody contributing vocals, it just doesn’t click. The duo doesn’t have a lot of chemistry, and the epic feel shoots for “Chasing Cars” and lands closer to...one of Snow Patrol’s other songs that nobody remembers.

#26: “...Ready For It?” (reputation)

I’d love to just make a snarky joke about Swift trying to rap and embarrassing herself in the process (which she kind of does) ... but I can’t lie, this is a total guilty pleasure. It’s about as close to a classic Ke$ha song as we’re going to get in the gloomy late-2010′s, so I can forgive the try-hard vibe.

#25: “Our Song” (Taylor Swift)

This is the very first of Swift’s songs I ever heard. Naturally, being a 13-year-old wannabe snob at the time, I hated it immediately.

Over a decade later, I can appreciate “Our Song” for its adorable charms and extremely quotable lyrics (“when you talk reeeeeeal slow” is my personal favorite). But it still rubs me the wrong way a bit, probably because Swift was pretending to be a southern hick when she was actually raised by a wealthy family in Reading, Pennsylvania. ...but it’s still a solid pop tune.

#24: “Mine” (Speak Now)

So uh...I guess Swift really wanted to write a Bruce Springsteen song? Specifically, a more optimistic version of “The River,” with a romantically doomed teenage flame sputtering out into adult financial troubles.

But obviously, a song about a shotgun wedding and blue-collar poverty wasn’t going to sell to Swift’s audience, so she gave the trope an uplifting spin, complete with a bright, peppy chorus in a major key. And it kind of works! I’m not going to pretend that “Mine” is top-tier Taylor, but sometimes rough stories do have a happy ending.

#23: “Should’ve Said No” (Taylor Swift)

A nice and pissed-off song about a cheating boyfriend, “Should’ve Said No” has a great, visceral chorus and Swift puts 100 percent of the blame on her scummy ex, who’s trying to weasel his way back into the relationship. I will say this about country: it’s a great vehicle for breakup songs.

#22: “The Story of Us” (Speak Now)

This is a great example of a very under-used style of breakup song — the slowly-drifting-apart story. It’s not usually as fiery, but it’s a lot more realistic and relatable. The best recent example I can think of is The 1975′s new wave heartbreaker “A Change of Heart,” which admittedly, is a lot better than “The Story of Us.”

Still, Swift gives the trope a nice effort here, and the charging guitars perfectly match her growing frustration at this boy who gets more and more distant as time goes on. The book framing device is a nice twist too (“NEXT CHAPTER.”), and it all adds up to one of Swift’s more underrated singles.

#21: “Look What You Made Me Do” (reputation)

Ahh yes, the infamous Kanye West diss track. Let’s be clear, nobody looked good in this feud — Taylor came off as vindictive, back-stabbing and petty. Then Kanye lost any moral high ground by wearing MAGA hats and buddying up to Trump.

The funny thing is, the songs from both artists that are central to this feud — “Look What You Made Me Do” and Kanye’s “Famous,” the song that reignited Swift’s rage — are both deeply ridiculous songs that I love despite my better judgement. The main issue with Swift’s song is that she can’t decide whether to play the cackling villain or the victim. The smart move would’ve been to lean into her dark side, like Kanye himself did with Yeezus, but she isn’t willing to completely do that, which makes the song have a pretty awkward tone.

YET. “Look What You Made Me Do” is still way too much fun for me to hate. The “I’m Too Sexy”-aping chorus? Love it. The thumping, wonderfully stupid Black Eyed Peas-esque production? Give me more! “I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S DEAD!!” — that might be my favorite part of all.

It’s a total disaster, but it’s a highly enjoyable one. But considering that I find other bombs like Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP fascinating too, maybe my opinion isn’t valid on this one.

#20: “22″ (Red)

I read a tweet once that called this song the “Kidz Bop ‘Tik Tok.’” Don’t remember who wrote that, but they’re absolutely right. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! It’s probably the closest Swift came to a squeaky-clean Carly Rae Jepsen banger.

#19: “White Horse” (Fearless)

The darker cousin of “Love Story,” Swift proved with “White Horse” she could also use classic tropes to convey weepy ballads as well as the sweeping romances. I honestly wish the lyrics were a little less vague — usually Swift is hyper-specific, which serves her well in these breakup songs — but Swift’s emotive performance carries the song regardless.

#18: “Begin Again” (Red)

Musically, the sleepy sound of “Begin Again” doesn’t do a lot for me, but the lyrical detail and story are stellar. After listening to so many Taylor Swift songs about crushing heartbreak or whirlwind romances for this list, it’s nice to hear a more understated song about a first-date that goes well. It especially works well at the end of Red, a fairly angsty album.

“Begin Again” might still have some exaggerations (nobody’s first date is that perfect, Taylor, come on now), but the more grounded, mature tone was a nice change of pace for Swift.

#17: “Shake It Off” (1989)

This song is so, so stupid. And yet I know every single word. Yes, even the incredibly awkward rap breakdown (“THIS. SICK. BEAT!”).

I can’t in good conscience name “Shake It Off” as a top-tier Swift single, but it’s damn fun, despite its awful lyrics. Which basically makes it — gasp — a Katy Perry single. Oh, the irony.

#16: “Delicate” (reputation)

Swift went nocturnal with this sleeper hit. I couldn’t get into it at first, but it eventually grew on me, with its subtle production and charmingly insecure lyrics. Who among us hasn’t nervously second-guessed everything they’ve said or done when they’re around a new romantic partner?

The vocoders and slowly building percussion just add to what was already a solid groove, and it’s no wonder that “Delicate” eventually creeped up the charts despite the fact that, as Swift said herself, her reputation’s never been worse.

#15: “Picture To Burn” (Taylor Swift)

If I’m going to enjoy a country song, it better be ridiculous and stuffed with as many goofy clichés as possible. The single can’t take itself too seriously (and should be super catchy, of course). This is why some of the few country songs I semi-ironically love sound less like George Strait and more like “Man! I Feel Like A Woman.” If all country music was as silly as “Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy,” I’d probably like the genre a lot more.

“Picture To Burn” isn’t quite on those songs’ level, but it nearly matches the same level of yee-haw fun. Swift puts on an aggressive Southern accent, there’s a literal banjo solo at one point, and it’s about the best country topic there is: getting revenge on your ex!

Swift leaves no shot unfired as she calls out her former boyfriend for her “stupid ‘ol pickup truck you never let me drive,” calls him a stupid redneck, threatens to date all his friends and even gets her daddy involved. (At one point, the song contained a lyric about telling his friends he was gay, but thankfully, she later removed it)

It’s not quite “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk,” but it’ll do in a pinch.

#14: “Wildest Dreams” (1989)

One of the smartest things Swift’s done during her blockbuster pop era is cribbing ideas from other musicians and adapting them to her own personality. As mentioned earlier, “22″ is her version of a Ke$ha party song, “Mine” is like one of Springsteen’s heartland tunes, and “Shake It Off” is an intentionally dumb Katy Perry single.

But probably the most obvious example of this is “Wildest Dreams.” And the artist Swift cribs from on this sweeping ballad is more of a cult favorite than a true pop megastar: Lana Del Rey. Don’t lie, you hear it too: the cooing, sensual vocals, the cinematic sound, the lyrics that evoke classic Hollywood romance. It’s basically just “Summertime Sadness” without the Spaghetti western guitars.

And that’s absolutely a good thing! Although Swift doesn’t have Lana’s stunning alto vocal (sorry, but you know it’s true), she can still absolutely play that classic movie starlet role. Add a bit more modern pop structure to Del Rey’s indie-darling formula, and you’ve got the recipe for an easy standout track.

#13: “You Belong With Me” (Fearless)

Pointing out that “You Belong With Me,” arguably Swift’s biggest early hit, is problematic isn’t a new take. The idea of that someone inherently “belongs” with you because you like them has been debunked. I’m sorry this guy doesn’t you like you back Taylor, but maybe he has a good thing going with that cheer captain who wears short skirts? Let him be.

...but on the other hand, Swift was 19 when she wrote “You Belong With Me.” Most people criticizing the lyrics here are doing so through an adult vantage. Yes, the message is toxic, but it’s also extremely accurate to how teenage crushes work. I can promise you that I had similar feelings in junior high/high school, and I know I’m not alone in that regard.

Also, “You Belong With Me” is far too catchy and bouncy to truly hate. So although I can’t rank it too high due to the iffy lyrics, I can’t deny that it does tap into some raw teen emotions, even if they’re ugly.

#12: “I Knew You Were Trouble.” (Red)

I was there. That fateful day in 2012 when Taylor Swift *gasp* MADE A DUBSTEP SONG. People were snarking that this was basically just Skrillex for the Forever 21 crowd, sharing around that (hilarious) screaming goat remix, and so on.

But seven years later, although that dubstep production is oh-so-early-’10s, “I Knew You Were Trouble” absolutely holds up. If Swift was going to abandon country, why not go all out? Besides, the drop still hits with a lot of force, mirroring the visceral anger of her lyrics. If anything, it isn’t intense enough. Maybe she really should’ve gotten Skrillex to produce...

#11: “Out Of The Woods” (1989)

YES inject that synthy Jack Antonoff production right into my veins.

I’m still upset that “Out Of The Woods” wasn’t a smash like 1989′s other singles, but it is a pretty weird song. The chorus is aggressively repetitive (its only real flaw), it’s a breakup song that’s less relatable lyrically and more abstract, and America was too busy paying attention at the time to Bieber semi-apologizing.

But THAT PRODUCTION. It’s nervy yet propulsive, with a quiet-loud-quiet setup that any good power ballad needs. Antonoff even provides some backup vocals, which is always a welcome addition. Swift herself really sells the song too. I wouldn’t say she’s a powerhouse singer, but she’s really giving it her all here in terms of vocal force — something she typically shies away from.

“Out Of The Woods” will likely be lost to time for all but the most ardent Swifties. But for those who love it, may I suggest listening to some Bleachers?

#10: “Back To December” (Speak Now)

The stereotype of Swift’s breakup songs, particularly in the early stage of her career, was that they weren’t self-aware and basically demonized whatever boy the song was about (or the girl she was jealous of). And while that’s not 100 percent true, the stereotype did have some merit back then.

That’s why “Back To December” was rightfully hailed as a breath of fresh air for Swift, and it’s held up extremely well nine years later. The perspective has shifted — in this story, she’s the one admitting guilt for ending the relationship. It’s a very measured, mature song, but with still enough tender emotion and regret to stay relatable. The orchestral sweep is a nice touch as well, emphasizing the tragedy of the situation.

Also, fun fact: This song is about Swift’s relationship with Twilight hunk Taylor Lautner. Maybe the relationship didn’t work out because she thought it was weird to date a guy with the same name? It was probably because she’s more of a Hunger Games fan.

#9: “Getaway Car” (reputation)

Here’s the one thing reputation improved upon from 1989. As just a cursory listen could tell you, “Getaway Car,” sonically, is extremely similar to “Out Of The Woods.” They’re both pulsing, synthy new wave tracks with a heavy Bleachers influence — considering they’re both Antonoff productions, not surprising at all. It even steals a lyric from Bleachers’ “Rollercoaster.”

So what makes “Getaway Car” a superior sequel? Well, it’s a smoother ride, for sure — the aggressively repetitive chorus in “Out Of The Woods” was that song’s weak spot. And “Getaway” has a more clear concept as well, being about a Bonnie and Clyde-inspired escape from a failing relationship, invoking all the bittersweet emotions that come along with that. “Out Of The Woods” is...about a car crash with Harry Styles? I guess?

It’s really a personal call. They’re both amazing songs, I just happen to think Swift and Antonoff refined their collaboration on this later attempt.

#8: “Teardrops On My Guitar” (Taylor Swift)

“Teardrops On My Guitar” is both obviously written by a 15-year-old kid, but also so, so much better than that implies.

The lyrics here are extremely wholesome and corny — unlike “You Belong With Me,” Swift doesn’t even take any shots at the girl her crush is currently dating, and there’s references to “wishing stars,” something I think I’ve only ever heard in Disney songs. And like many of Swift’s early songs, it absolutely nails the yearning emotions of a teenage crush, especially for those of us who were too shy to do anything about them.

But obviously, Swift wasn’t an average ninth-grader. The lilting melody in the verses of “Teardrops” fits the lyrics perfectly. And the song comes off both very polished and radio-ready, yet still plucked right from the pages of a diary. Yes, Swift co-wrote the song with pop-country songwriter Liz Rose, but that’s not unusual for a very young artist. Lorde’s “Royals” (written at age 16) had a co-writer, too.

The simple beauty of “Teardrops” is what brought Swift into the mainstream, and there’s a good reason for that: it’s an incredible start to a career.

#7: “Blank Space” (1989)

“Blank Space” might be the only intentional, successful self-own in recent pop history. I can’t think of another time when an artist eviscerated their public persona with such surgical precision, and it actually made them more endearing.

Tired of trolls constantly making jokes about her short relationships and constant breakup songs, Swift decided to make the joke herself, 8 Mile-style. In “Blank Space,” she paints herself as a psychotic maneater who will drive any guy insane. Out of all her disses over the years, she might have saved the best barb for herself: “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream.” The instant tone switch from the cooing, seductive first verse to the furious, delusional second verse is brilliant.

If there’s one flaw to “Blank Space,” it’s that the production is maybe a tad too minimalist for such an intense song. But the hook is still massive, and the song isn’t about the production anyways: It’s 100 percent a lyrical showcase for Swift, and a way to beat her haters at their own game.

Dissing yourself while still coming off smart is a tough tightrope to walk, as “Look What You Made Me Do” unfortunately proved. But with “Blank Space,” Taylor proved that, even if for a brief moment, she controlled the narrative.

(Also, this is Taylor’s best video. Obviously.)

#6: “Sparks Fly” (Speak Now)

A lot of the other songs in this top 10 work because of a very specific reason, whether it be the production or a clever lyrical conceit. But it’s difficult to describe what makes “Sparks Fly” fly so well.

At first glance, it’s not that much different than other early upbeat Swift singles — it’s got the country-rock guitars, lovesick lyrics, a bit of a twang but not too much. But this is where that formula reaches perfection. It’s no wonder that after “Speak Now,” Swift tilted hard into pure pop, because she wasn’t going to top this.

The chorus is passionate and soaring, with even the percussive lyrics ( “Drop. Everything. Now.”) contributing. And this seems like a super-odd aspect of a Taylor Swift song to compliment, but “Sparks Fly” also has a fantastic guitar riff — something few of her pop contemporaries would try.

Sometimes what makes a song great is to just have every aspect go perfectly, and that’s exactly what happened with “Sparks Fly.”

#5: “Red” (Red)

The title track to Swift’s instant-classic album Red is the closest she’s come to being a full-fledged rockstar (well, that and album cut “State Of Grace,” which is an obvious U2 pastiche). It’s definitely more of a country-fried, Sheryl Crow brand of rock, but it suits Swift well. There’s even a killer guitar solo!

As a summation of a whirlwind relationship, “Red” absolutely nails the bittersweet feelings that come after a breakup. Even the best moments or aspects of her ex have a dark side, but she seems equally wistful about the worst moments. And the color-based chorus (a few years before Halsey stole the idea), complete with a new wave-y vocal echo, is simple but effective. It’s the perfect middle between Swift’s uber-pop era to come and her Nashville songwriter past.

#4: “New Romantics” (1989)

I was hesitant to include “New Romantics” on this list. Yes, it was a single, but it was also a tacked-on bonus track to 1989. But it’s too damn perfect of a pop song to leave off.

Honestly, how was this not included in the regular tracklisting of 1989? Yes, it’s her best album, so there’s not a lot of filler, but “New Romantics” would’ve still been an improvement over nearly all of the songs there. The production by pop wizards Max Martin and Shellback pops and whizzes with energy. It’s pure ‘80s heaven, with an anthemic sing-along chorus and bouncy synths and drum machines.

But naturally, Swift herself is a major factor to why “New Romantics” is such an effective pop song. Her vocal delivery here has a knowing wink, with a bit of snark. You might even call it Debbie Harry-esque. For a song where Swift is conveying the joys of non-stop partying, she certainly sells it. And I’d imagine if she released it as a regular single earlier in 1989′s cycle, it would’ve been another #1 smash.

#3: “Love Story” (Fearless)

“Love Story” deliberately misinterprets multiple literary classics to create an uber-cheesy, ridiculous fairy tale. And it’s easily the best song of her country era, and one of the best pop songs of the ‘00s, bar none.

The star-crossed lovers angle is overdone, yes, but Swift sings about this secret relationship with such passion and earnestness that it feels fresh again. When the surprise ending comes and the boyfriend proposes (wait, aren’t they both high schoolers? Maybe wait a bit on that one, guys), it’s got all the sappiness of a Hallmark special, and yet it totally works. You can tell the then-18 Swift didn’t find this cheesy in the slightest, and her bold, passionate sincerity works.

Even the fact that the song seems to not understand what The Scarlet Letter was actually about, or how Romeo and Juliet ends, is honestly more charming than anything else. “Love Story” is like a puppy — full of boundless joy and absolutely impossible to resist, despite not being all that smart.

#2: “Style” (1989)

I can’t imagine the confusion and shock that Swift’s management must have felt when she told them she wanted to record a song that sounded like the Drive soundtrack. But it was an absolutely brilliant move, and it gave us the song that will likely age better than any of Swift’s other singles.

To be fair, “Style” is much more radio-friendly than your average Chromatics single — but not by much! Swift’s vocals are less ethereal than Ruth Radelet’s, and the hooks are much more obvious. But many Chromatics songs, or songs from Drive, are already pretty catchy — Swift just needed to maximize them into a slinky-yet-explosive new wave behemoth.

The pulsating synth background and Swift’s whispery vocals make “Style” an all-time classic song for aimlessly driving around at night, yet it’s big enough to fit in with her more blunt hits. In fact, it might be the one time she actually seemed *gasp* cool. It’s too bad reputation tried so hard to recapture this dusky vibe and utterly failed, but at least we’ll always have her first attempt.

#1: “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” (Red)

It took Swift many, many tries to capture that elusive first #1 hit. But when she finally reached that pinnacle in 2012 with the gleefully venomous “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” it made perfect sense. After all, it’s her best song.

Swift has written many breakup songs before, but she’s never had this much fun knocking down her ex — in this case, the famously sleazy John Mayer. And her digs are just so relentless and delivered with a perfect smirk. There’s the dig at Mayer listening to “some indie record that’s much cooler than mine,” which drips with sarcasm. She calls him out for his inability to fully commit, saying both that his breakups and makeups only “last about a day.” And of course, there’s also that wonderfully exasperated phone call, where Swift groans about her ex’s persistence, calling the situation “exhausting” and mocking him.

The best part is that all of this is delivered in a sugary-sweet, insanely catchy campfire sing-along that wouldn’t leave anyone’s heads in the fall of 2012. That chorus is just so joyful and fun that you have expect the little bouncing ball to pop up next to the “WHEEE-EEE!”

It seems weird to say Swift’s best song is also her big sell-out moment, but some artists were just meant to be pure pop. And in Swift’s case, she didn’t sacrifice any of her sharp songwriting en route to a catchier, more fun sound, which created one of the most iconic pop songs of the ‘10s.

#taylor swift #pop #country #In ascending order

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rememberthattime · 6 years

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Chapter 34. Jeff & Liv’s Wedding

I am exhausted. I’m writing this post on our 17 hour flight from Dallas to Sydney, which means it’s been two full days since the wedding. How am I still so physically tired? Will I ever recover? Did anyone get pictures of me doing The Wobble?

These are bleak questions, but they’re questions you’d only ask yourself after a truly phenomenal wedding. For Jeff and Liv’s big day, I wouldn’t have expected anything less.

Before I start, I have to say that I really debated whether I should write about this trip... This was Jeff’s wedding, so is it really my place to blog about it?

The past ten days have been an absolute blur though. I’m worried that if I don’t write about them, I’ll forget all the wonderful, hilarious, and fun times we had, which just isn’t acceptable.

I’ve written about this many times, including in my own wedding post: my dream is to read this blog 20 years from now, and immediately transport back into my 28 year old self. I’ll be 48 with a bum knee and receding hairline, but I’ll have this personal time machine to bring me back to 2018. My writing typically isn’t intended for anyone else, but for this particular post, I’m expanding my audience: someday, I want my kids to read about the day Uncle Jeff and Auntie Olivia got married.

The story of Jeff and Liv’s wedding week begins in Oklahoma... which means there’s nowhere the week could’ve gone but up.

Jokes! I’d booked a lake house in Kingston, OK for Jeff’s bachelor party, and this place was perfect: just 90 minutes from Dallas with all the fixin’s our groom could ask for. See, like me, Jeff is not one for “da clubs”. He isn’t “bout dat life” or even “blinging” any hotlines. In fact, despite being three years younger, Jeff is actually a much older person than me (e.g. asleep by 8 PM, glasses since he was 10, etc).

Anyway, I knew a Vegas trip wasn’t “fleek”, but a lake house off Texoma would be more the groom’s speed. We had to organize it for a time I was in town though, so Jeff and his eight groomsmen (including Matt and I) made the short 60 mile trek to Oklahoma the weekend before the wedding.

Now, what happens in Oklahoma stays in Oklahoma, but I will note a few memories:

Our inaugural bachelor party Olympics, which included billiards, pop-a-shot, air hockey, cornhole, and a number of drinking games Jeff and his friends perfected in college (Stack Em was a problem from me)

A legendary grilled dinner, including steak, chicken, taters, and asparagus, followed by a 3 AM cinnamon roll dessert

Quality time with my brothers and their friends, who reminded me a lot of my group in Seattle

Onions.

Through some miracle, MOST of us woke up the next day feeling okay considering the circumstances... which, again, will stay in Oklahoma. We somehow managed a round of golf at a luxury Oklahoma course (aka a cow pasture with 18 flags sprinkled about). We played like crap, which was entirely predictable given the state we were in. Pun?

After golf, we made the tougher return journey to Dallas, stopping only for a few panicked requests to “PULL OVER!”

The next few days were really about resting up for wedding. We fit in plenty of family fun (Pictionary, Jackbox games, Skip-bo, Feedstore, Mi Cocina, i Fratelli), but for the most part, Monday through Wednesday were all about rest and recovery.

Things really heated up on Thursday, when Jeff and I delivered decorations to the wedding venue. I should note here: Liv and her mom had been working on this wedding for months, so Jeff and I moving a few boxes was absolutely nothing. That said, it still took a couple hours to load, and we actually filled a 16-foot U-Haul.

Olivia’s dad drove the truck to the venue, while Jeff and I followed in the Mazda. On our way though, Jeff’s tire pressure light came on. We didn’t think much of it... until we started hearing a hollow, rubbery, rotating thud. Th-th-th-th-th-th-th. Shittttt. We had a trunk full of guests’ welcome gift bags and were only 3 minutes from the venue!

Jeff pulled to the side of the highway and we assessed the situation. His rear driver-side tire was completely deflated, but thank god he had a spare in the trunk. To pull out the spare, we carefully hid the guests’ welcome bags behind the car so the tissue wouldn’t fly away. Then, only four feet off the side of the highway, Jeff jacked the car up, we threw on the spare, and were back on the road again in less than 10 minutes. Those are pit crew numbers!

This flat tire could’ve derailed our entire day, or been a bad omen for the wedding just a few days later... Instead, with a calm attitude and headsy demeanor, Jeff and I overcame our biggest wedding week challenge.

Side note: I think the universe throws these extra hurdles in the week before a wedding as a test. Right before our wedding, Chelsay had to overcome a chest infection... This week, Jeff overcame a flat tire, my dad overcame a cold, and I overcame getting a bocce ball dropped on my head. No matter the challenge, we cleared every hurdle and somehow managed to arrive safely at Friday’s Welcome Dinner.

Just like Chelsay and I’s wedding, the Welcome Dinner made everything real. For months (and in our case years), we thought about friends and family coming together to celebrate our marriage. All of that planning builds a track for how the wedding will play out, and the Welcome Dinner is the point where the train leaves the station. A few highlights from Jeff & Liv’s:

Seeing Liv for the first time that week. She’d obviously been busy planning and hosting her family, so the Welcome Dinner was Chels and I’s first chance to catch up with our soon-to-be-sis.

Reconnecting with family, who came in from Washington, Illinois, Michigan, Kansas, Pennsylvania, and Florida.

Watching the various groups intermingle: Jeff’s Seattle high school friends comparing stories with his Southlake high school friends, Liv’s parents chatting with my aunts and uncles, ...Matt and Chandler finally meeting in the most hilarious way possible.

My dad’s toast, where he had the 60 person room in tears while telling a story about an important family heirloom he was passing down to Jeff & Liv... My brothers and I were looking at each other trying to figure out what it could be. A watch? A family seal? Maybe something from the Kern’s homeland in Germany? Nope, it turned out to be even more valuable: a fresh new Cub’s hat. Welcome to the Kern family, Liv.

The next day was 4/28. The date Jeff and Liv had been waiting, excited, and probably a little anxious for since their engagement in December 2016. This day was more than just 16 months of planning though. It was 10 years in the making! Jeff and Liv are high school sweethearts, and on 4/28, their Wedding Day had finally arrived. To quote Harry Potter: After all this time? Always.

Their ceremony wasn’t until 5:30, but don’t be fooled... There is still a full day of activities beforehand. For Matt and I, the co-best men, it started by picking up the wine & beer. This was a 150 person wedding, so we filled Matt’s Xterra to the brim with $1000 worth of reds, whites, Shiner, Michelob, and my brother’s favorite, Dos Equis. After seeing how Jeff’s groomsman drank at bachelor party, we decided to add an extra $500.

From there, we met up with Chandler and Liv’s dad at the venue to unload the U-Haul. Since we were already at the venue, Matt & I also stopped by the bridesmaids’ room to say good luck. We found out Liv had gotten them masseuses and Chick-fil-a! I guess the groomsmen’s room had NBA 2K and Dr Pepper, but Chick-fil-a!? ...I stole a couple nuggets for our alcohol delivery efforts.

Once everything was out of the U-Haul, I was worried we didn’t have much time to change... Jeff only took about 10 minutes to get ready though, so we ended up having plenty of time to relax in the groomsmen room. During this break, we also voted on stylistic features for the groomsmen, where Jeff got outvoted on sock choice at his own wedding.

It was soon time for pictures, and we got some gems. Father & son getting ready, a mother-son boutonniere shot, the obligatory casually-walking-pic, and updates to our family photo, now including Olivia, our newest Kern. We also managed a Hawaii throwback picture, and it’s safe to say that will be the best photo of the weekend.

With the bride and groom ready and pictures taken, all that was left was to get these two kids married. Early arriving guests were already demanding the wedding: “When I say Jeff, you say Liv! Jeff! Liv! Jeff! Liv!”

Once the wedding party was hidden, guests began to take their seats with the beautiful chords of the chapel’s violinist playing. Jeff walked my mom down the aisle to her seat (I’m sure there were tears), and the wedding party followed.

Liv and her dad then appeared at the end of the long aisle. From the front, I could see guests crying tears of joy as Nelson walked Liv to the altar, the violinist’s “Hallelujah” hanging in the background.

Those weren’t the only tears of the ceremony though. It was such a happy, beautiful service given by Liv’s Great Uncle Willy. Liv got choked up during her vows, and Jeff shed a tear when he and his bride held hands at the altar. It was a touching moment, one where your throat gets tight and you take a big gulp. It was my brother’s touching moment though, so I’ll leave the rest of the ceremony out of this blog.

After the I Do’s, Jeff and Liv escaped to a private dinner, while the guests cracked into $1,500 worth of Dos Equis.

The private dinner was actually one of many cutting-edge coordination tactics Jeff and Liv used. Let me ask a question: does any married couple remember their meal from the wedding? No. That’s because they didn’t eat! You’re too busy talking with guests and enjoying your night, and you totally forget to eat the meal you spent so long picking out. Jeff and Liv avoided this issue, and gave themselves a private moment together, by setting up this post-ceremony meal. A couple other clever ideas:

Sunset photos: the concept is self explanatory, but Jeff and Liv’s sunset photos will be second only to the Hawaii throwback.

A post-wedding private dance: it’s brilliant. It serves to get guests out of the venue, but also gives the bride and groom one last private moment to soak in their wedding. With all the guests gathering outside to send them off, Jeff and Liv shared a dance in the empty reception hall.

The last dance is jumping ahead though. After their private meal, Jeff and Liv entered the reception hall and were introduced as Mr and Mrs Kern for the first time. They shared a first dance, before a touching father-daughter and mother-son dance. My dad looked on proudly. Chelsay was in tears. Matt was in tears. And I’m not going to lie, I had that dry throat, big gulp feeling again too.

Dinner was soon served, and while guests enjoyed phenomenal barbecue brisket and mac & cheese, Jeff and Liv made the rounds to each adoring guest table.

After dinner, it was time for cake cutting and toasts. Liv’s Dad and her maid of honor both had very kind, heart-warming well wishes, while my toast hit a lighter tone. Like, lots of jokes about Jeff being an old man and Liv being short. I also turned a story about Jeff kicking me in the face into a positive personality trait, and brought up Liv’s Puppy-Lovah past.

By this point though, people were itching to dance. Jeff and Liv had an 10-piece band, and these guys were ready to go!

The party that ensued was a sweat fest for the ages. It had everything: Kern family ballads, Matt’s running man, Chels and Liv’s Whitney Houston duet, Jeff’s pancake maker dance, Chelsay mistakenly joining the Texas Tech-only fight song, and all of the bride’s trademark moves (the downward fist pump, arm roll, finger guns, and The Snake). Chelsay also refused to leave the dance floor, which meant I was stuck out there for group dances like Cupid Shuffle and The Wobble. I don’t know how to do either of these, so I found a safe spot in the back to learn as we go... What I didn’t realize was these dances have a Macarena-like rotation built in, so everyone has their turn up front. I spent the entire song continuously dancing to the back of the pack.

The highlight of the party, and possibly the wedding, was the last group song of the night: Don’t Stop Believing. One of the best memories from Chels & I’s Wedding is being encircled by friends and family as we belted Piano Man. It’s a rock star moment that every bride and groom deserve, and Jeff and Liv absolutely owned their moment. With every one of their 150 guests surrounding them in a circle, Jeff and Liv shredded their air guitars before being mobbed by their wedding party. It was a perfect way to end a perfect day.

Chelsay and I’s flight back to Sydney was supposed to be the next day, but THANK GOD it was canceled. We were able to get a replacement the following day, but absolutely needed the extra day to recover.

More importantly, it have us a chance to reflect together at my parents’ house in Trophy Club. My aunts and uncles, my parents’ friends, and the bride and groom all came over to laugh at all the memorable moments from the wedding week.

At one point, my Mom and Dad pulled out their own wedding album. I’d obviously seen it before, but this time was unique. We were looking at it with my parents’ wedding guests, the same attendees that were there on that 100 degree day in September 1985.

As my aunts and uncles looked through the album, everyone laughed and told stories from my parents’ ceremony. From getting ready at my mom’s house, to my dad’s excessive hairspray, to one of the groomsman’s quirky smiles, to the traditional baby apron the maid of honor made for my mom.

30 years had past and so much had happened: people had moved, children were raised, careers completed. None of that changed these lifelong memories they all shared together though.

And that’s when it sunk in: one day, my family will look back on this wedding day in the same way. Someday, we’ll reminisce about Jeff and Liv’s beautiful ceremony and about Don’t Stop Believing to end the night. We’ll laugh about the Oklahoma bachelor party and about Jeff’s flat tire on the way to the venue. We’ll remember my dad’s phenomenal Welcome Dinner toast and my mom and brother’s tear-jerking mother-son dance.

Just as my parents and their guests reminisced about 9/7/85, someday we’ll look back at the wonderful, fun, happy, joyous, beautiful day we all shared together on 4/28/18.

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newssplashy · 6 years

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Girl Smarts: ‘I cut out dairy and gluten and it completely changed my life’

I couldn’t figure out why I had no energy, but I noticed myself becoming a different person.

In my early twenties, I was a school teacher and Pilates instructor, and on top of my jobs, I was used to running five miles almost every day. But slowly, I became so exhausted that I could barely get out of bed to go to work.

I couldn’t figure out why I had no energy, but I noticed myself becoming a different person. On top of my depleted energy, I had constipation so bad that at one point, I couldn’t go for two weeks.

In 2012, when I was 25, I went to my doctor, who told me I had Hashimoto’s disease, a disorder in which the immune system attacks the thyroid. This led to hypothyroidism-my thyroid wasn’t producing enough thyroid hormone-and my doctor said this was the cause of my fatigue.

I began taking hormones every day to replace those that my body wasn’t producing, as well as laxatives for my constipation. Still, my energy levels didn’t change much. I was still tired all the time, and for me, the prescription medications felt more like Band-Aids than solutions.

Even after two years of treatment, I still felt so exhausted that I had to resign from my teaching job. I knew I had to do something to bring back my energetic self.

'I was willing to try anything.'

In 2014, I was sitting down at a wedding reception when a friend who practices functional medicine came up to me. It was a few months after I’d resigned from my job, and she could tell something was wrong. “What’s going on with you?” she asked. I told her about my autoimmune disorder and how the hormones just weren’t helping me.

“No grains, legumes, refined sugar, or dairy,” she replied. “Try it.”

This type of diet isn't a conventional approach to hypothyroidism. (So far, evidence of a gluten-free diet improving thyroid function is mostly anecdotal, although some women do swear by it to help their symptoms).

Making such a big change probably seems drastic to some. But at that point, after years of feeling exhausted and sick, I was willing to try just about anything to get my energy back and feel better about myself.

I had always loved eating fruits, veggies, and proteins anyways. But baking-that was something I couldn’t live without. It was my love language. I baked cookies for my brother and his friends after school when we were kids, and I baked banana bread for my now-husband for our second date. We made that same banana bread for each guest at our wedding.

I was a baker at heart, and I felt like my only choices were giving it up or baking without being able to try a single bite. So as I went into the diet, I was determined to find a way to keep baking in my life.

'My new diet was surprisingly easy.'

It was probably less than a week into my new diet when I was craving something sweet. I knew I couldn’t keep myself from baking long, but I didn't want to totally blow my new eating habits. So I challenged myself to bake without any of the ingredients I had eliminated from my diet.

After tons of trial-and-error, I found the five perfect ingredients that I could use to bake just about anything from cakes to cookies to brownies, and of course, banana bread:

Almond flour

Coconut oil

Organic eggs

Himalayan pink salt

Maple syrup

I was thrilled. I could have my cake (literally!) and my new-and-improved diet, too.

When it came to my day-to-day eating, I found easy ways to replace the ingredients I had cut out:

For breakfast, I started eating a few eggs and veggies or a cup of decaf coffee blended with coconut cream and a collagen protein supplement.

For lunch, I’ll have what I call a “loaded salad,” which I pack with protein like chicken, eggs, or fish mixed with green veggies like kale and Brussels sprouts.

For dinner, I'd eat more veggies, which I love to roast, and another protein. I learned to make sweet potato fries as a healthy alternative to French fries and spaghetti squash when I’m in the mood for something pasta-like. I figured out ways to make lasagna and bolognese without grains or gluten, too.

When I got hungry between meals (which surprisingly didn't happen often!), I ate 100 percent cacao or dehydrated coconut pieces, which I call “coconut jerky.” (It’s really good, I promise.)

At the beginning of each week, I roasted a big batch of vegetables and sweet potatoes. That way, I knew I'd have something easy and healthy to grab when my days got busy.

'I took my baking to a whole new level.'

This may sound crazy, but the diet change was much easier-and more fun-than I thought it would be. My husband and I decided to stopped buying any groceries with refined sugar, grains, legumes, and dairy. Instead we bought more proteins, fruits, vegetables, and good fats, like avocados.

It was life-changing to realize that I didn’t have to give up my passion for baking (and, of course, tasting). After I made a chocolate cake for my friend, Claire Thomas, using those five ingredients, her response was “I’m sorry, what?” She couldn’t believe how great it tasted, and she challenged me to start selling my cakes.

Soon after that, and just three months after I started my new diet, Claire and I founded Sweet Laurel, our brand and bakery, together. What started as an Instagram accountbecame a company from my kitchen, where I baked using those five ingredients and delivered them myself.

They started selling like wildfire, and we’re set to open a brick-and-mortar bake shop this year. I’ll never get tired of reactions from my friends, family, and customers when they learn that the dessert they’ve just tasted is completely free of gluten, grains, and refined sugar.

'Within a few months, I had more energy than ever.'

A post shared by Sweet Laurel: Real Baked Goods (@sweetlaurelbakery) on Apr 10, 2018 at 4:50pm PDT

After eliminating gluten, dairy, legumes, and refined sugar from my diet, I noticed a difference almost immediately. My constipation was gone within days, no laxatives needed. Within a few months, I had more energy than ever. I went from being too tired to go to work to being able to bake all day, and, before the company really took off, deliver the desserts myself. (Now, it's lack of time, not energy, keeping me from hand-delivering my creations!)

I felt better than I ever thought I could, and getting to share my baked goods with the world has really inspired me to stick with my new diet. Claire and I even wrote a cookbook, Sweet Laurel: Recipes for Whole Food, Grain-Free Desserts, to share some of my recipes and show other people how they can change their diets without sacrificing their favorite treats. Knowing that everyone, dietary restrictions or not, can have cake on their birthday is all I need to keep going.

'I'm never looking back.'

I’m back to exercising regularly, practicing yoga, and taking power-walks with my husband. We stay busy with our son, Nico, who just celebrated his first birthday with a grain-free, refined-sugar-free cake. Honestly, I've never felt better.

In addition to my increased energy, my autoimmune disease is in remission. Before my diet change, when I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s, my blood test showed antibodies against thyroid peroxidase, which aids in the production of the thyroid hormone. Recently, my blood tested negative for those antibodies, which means my thyroid can function normally. I can't necessarily say that my diet was the cure, but I believe it has helped my symptoms a lot-and I'm never looking back.

'Where there's a will, there's a way.'

For those looking to cut gluten-or any other ingredient-out of their diets, my advice is simple: plan ahead. I keep tons of healthy breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack options at home, ready to easily prepare or grab and go.

Before going out to eat, I always find the restaurant’s menu online to see if I can eat something there. If I can’t find anything on the menu, I eat before I go. If I go to potlucks or dinner at friends’ houses, I bring a big bowl of something I can eat that I know everyone will enjoy. I don’t have to miss out on good times with friends and family just because I’ve eliminated a few foods.

Always remember, when there’s a will, there’s a way. There are tons of options on the market that are free of gluten, dairy, and sugar. And if you can’t find something you love, don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty in the kitchen-or in my case, the bakery.

source https://www.newssplashy.com/2018/05/girl-smarts-i-cut-out-dairy-and-gluten_10.html

#News

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