#anyways I made the mistake of making a ‘self insert’ character

[trashbatistrash]

,

[penmansparadise]

Tommy Shelby ~ Dust in the Wind

*I DON'T OWN THIS GIF* *CREDIT TO GIF OWNER*

*I do not give anyone permission to repost my work in any way (translations included)*

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5.5k

Warnings: Discusses infant loss/stillborn, ANGST, mild language, possibly ooc Tommy

a/n: Alright, well, it has been quite some time since I've posted on this site. First, let me get a few things out. 1) This is the most self-indulgent piece I have ever written, so if you don't want to read it, please just keep on scrolling. 2) This does not mean that I am ready to start taking requests again or that I will be regularly writing again. As stated before, this is a very self-indulgent piece because I just experienced the loss of my daughter, who was born prematurely. It has completely wrecked me, and I have just finally decided to start writing again. I am trying to navigate my loss and thought maybe writing would help. It did, and although this piece is a little darker than I usually write, it was therapeutic, and I wanted to share it because I am proud of my work. I did write it as a reader insert, but if you all read it and think it would be better as an OC story, I'll change it. Anyway, this is the first time I've ever written for Tommy, so please forgive the potential out-of-character actions he has in this story. Also, it has been a bit since I watched season 3 so forgive any mistakes. I took some liberties with the story by adding different children for Tommy and Y/N and some of the things that happened in the show. Well, I hope you enjoy this story, and would really like to know what you all think.

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Y/N was no stranger to death.  It was Small Heath, for goodness’ sake.  Death practically ran in the water.  Being deeply entrenched in the Shelby family since she was a young girl only made her acquaintance with death’s steely grip all that much closer.  She had been to more than enough funerals in her 29 years of living.  She was present at the cemetery when her father finally drank himself into his grave, she was there to mourn when consumption took her mother, and she showed up to support Ada when they buried Freddie.  Y/N was always there when any of the Peaky boys were killed in the line of action, and she even showed up for her elderly childhood neighbor’s funeral.  But this time, it was different.  She wasn’t gathered in the woods on the outskirts of Small Heath to mourn for someone else.  There wasn’t a stranger tucked away in the wagon standing in front of her.  The Shelbys weren’t gathered to bid farewell to a distant relative or friend.  The Lees weren’t generously providing this funeral for a price.  No, the whole Shelby and Lee families were there for her and Tommy this time.

            The heat from the flames washed over Y/N’s face, making her sweat a little, but she didn’t move.  She wanted to be as close as she could possibly be.  If she had it her way, she would have jumped into the wagon and let the flames swallow her whole, but Tommy’s hand tightly gripping hers anchored her to the ground.  It had only been a few days.  It couldn’t have been more than four, but with how time was moving, it felt like a lifetime had passed.  The flames roared on, and Tommy squeezed her hand a little tighter, causing Y/N’s throat to tighten.  She swallowed down the sadness trying to claw its way out of her.  Y/N wasn’t going to break down in front of all these people.  She didn’t want to cry at all, for that matter.  It felt like it had been an endless stream of tears, and Y/N was done.  If only her aching heart would catch the memo.  Y/N’s eyes traveled the length of the flames until they landed on the little plaque one of the Lee boys carved for the wagon.  “Lily Eleanora Shelby,” it read, and suddenly, the sadness returned with a vengeance.  Y/N shut her eyes, and the events that led to this day played in her head.  She was supposed to be happy.  She was supposed to be full of unadulterated joy.  She was supposed to be cradling her newborn baby girl.  But she wasn’t.  Instead, she held onto her husband’s hand like a lifeline as she watched her daughter’s wagon burn.  One day.  That’s all it took to completely destroy her.

            Even as she stood there, watching the flames devour her daughter’s wagon, she still recounted everything she did four days ago, trying to figure out what could have possibly led to this result.  Four days ago, she was a cheery 29-week pregnant woman.  A stay-at-home mom who, with the help of their maid Frances, cared for her and Tommy’s three-year-old son, Benjamin.  That day had started like any other.  Tommy was already out, and she could hear Frances chasing Ben around his room.  The little boy’s giggles echoed through the house, and she remembers smiling as she slid a hand over her round tummy.  Y/N couldn’t wait for Ben to be a big brother.  She got ready like any other day and eventually made her way to her son, who welcomed her presence with a hug and a kiss.  The little boy rubbed her tummy, planted a chaste kiss to her navel, and smiled at her. 

            “I just wanted to let my little brother or sister know that I love them too, Mommy,” he had said, causing Y/N’s heart to clench.  Even at three, he was a charmer, just like his father.  She knelt to be at eye level with her son and lifted her hand to cradle his face.

            “You’re going to be a wonderful big brother; do you know that?”

            “Of course I will be, Mommy.  I’ve been practicing sharing my toys with Frances and making sure I listen real good to you and daddy.”  He said, standing up straighter to exhibit his full height.  “Frances says I need to be a good example for the new baby, or else Santa won’t bring me any presents this year for Christmas.  How outrageous is that, Mommy!?”

            Y/N stifled a laugh before brushing Ben’s hair back and looking up to see Frances smirking from her spot by Ben’s block tower. 

“I’m sure Santa won’t forget about you this year, honey.”  She told her son.  The boy gave her a toothy grin before trotting off to continue playing with his blocks. 

Y/N returned to her feet and watched Ben for another minute before retreating to the new nursery.  It was already put together, and she often found herself hiding away in that room.  She glided her hand over the bassinet and let the soft fabric tickle her palm.  The walls were already decorated with paintings of horses, some of which came from Ben, who insisted that his younger sibling have them.  She sat on the rocking chair and gently rubbed her hands over her stomach, earning a little kick from her unborn child.  A soft laugh fell from her lips as she looked down at her growing bump.

“Sorry to disturb you, love.”  She whispered, her hands still rubbing slow circles.  “Mommy just wanted to let you know she loves you very much.  And so does your big brother, who is very excited to meet you.”

Another kick came.

“You’re excited to meet him, too?  I’ll have to let him know.”

“Daddy loves you too, just in case Mommy forgot to mention that.”  Tommy’s voice came from the doorway, causing Y/N to look up.  He gave her a full smile, the one he reserved only for her and their son, and it fell over her like a warm blanket.

“Mommy was just about to get there.  Had daddy not interrupted her,” she said.  Tommy hummed in response as he floated across the room to kneel before her.  He looked up at Y/N through his lashes and said, “Sure you were,” before removing her hands and planting a soft kiss where they had just lay.

“Daddy can’t wait to meet you,” he whispered against her stomach, his warm breath radiating throughout her body.  Tommy looked up at Y/N before standing and pressing his lips to hers.  When he pulled away, a smile matching his spread across her face.  She was beaming.  She had dreamt of being in this position for many years as a teenager, and now it was real.  Thomas Shelby was hovering over her very pregnant figure in their unborn second child’s nursery.  Their lively three-year-old son’s muffled laughter ricocheted off the hallway walls.  It was everything she ever wanted, and she was so happy.

“What’s that look for?”  Tommy asked, pulling her out of her thoughts.

“Nothing,” she hummed, gaining a skeptical eyebrow raise from her husband.  “I just love you.  That’s all.”

Tommy nestled his face into the crook of her neck, peppering kisses along the exposed skin.  Then he pulled back, looked into her eye, and said, “I love you more than you know, Y/N.”

He gave her one more swift kiss before standing and sauntering out of the room with a smirk.  The rest of the day went by like any day usually went.  She sat around and read, played with Ben, ate lunch at 1100, put Ben down for a nap at 1230, and then went back to reading.  Tommy was in and out, balancing work from home and the office.  She could tell that day was extra tiring from how he sighed every time he left the house.  It was after Tommy left for the last time of the day that Y/N got the idea to wander down to the kitchen.  When she entered, the cooks were hard at work peeling and slicing vegetables.

“Good evening, Mrs. Shelby,” the head chef began, “is there anything we can do for you, ma’am?”

Y/N clasped her hands behind her back as she rocked back and forth on her heels like a guilty toddler.  “Um,” she said, “actually, yes, there is.”  She stepped into the kitchen and moved her hands to rest on her stomach.  “I was thinking that maybe tonight you and the rest of the staff could take the evening off and allow me to cook dinner.”

The head chef’s eyes widened at her statement.  Everyone else stilled for a brief moment, waiting for him to speak.  “Oh,” he stammered, “b-but, Mrs. Shelby, and please forgive me if I am overstepping, but shouldn’t you be resting instead of cooking?”  His eyes dipped down to her protruding abdomen before landing back on her face. 

“Resting?  I rest all day.  Really,” Y/N said, waving the chef’s comment off, “it would be nothing.  I actually miss being in the kitchen.  It’ll be nice.  Therapeutic.”  She couldn’t miss the wide-eyed stares from everyone in the room, but she chose to ignore them.  When they didn’t move to leave, she stepped forward, placed a gentle hand on the head chef’s back, and began leading him out of the kitchen. 

“Trust me,” she said, “I’ll be fine.  Thank you for your concern, though.”

Once she ushered the staff out, she began working on dinner.  It had been a long time since she cooked, but it came back to her like riding a bicycle.  She couldn’t escape the excitement that bubbled inside of her as she fell into a groove preparing dinner for her family again.  She boiled the potatoes the staff had peeled, sauteed the peppers and onions, and braised the beef that was in the refrigerator.  About an hour into cooking, a dull pain emanated from her lower back and into her hips.  The dull pain slowly morphed into a pressure that she just assumed was normal 29-week pregnancy symptoms.  It’s just the baby getting comfortable.  The baby is just moving around and pressing a little harder than usual on my cervix.  She ignored the feelings and finished cooking before asking the kitchen staff for help to bring the meal into the dining room.  Once the table was set, Frances went and fetched her boys, alerting them that not only had Y/N cooked dinner, but she had also served it.  She greeted the boys in the doorway of the dining room and gave each a kiss before they all sat to eat.  That pain returned in her lower back and hips, making it hard to get comfortable in her seat.  She let out a low groan of discomfort, and Tommy placed his hand over hers to gain her attention.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his eyebrows knitted together.  She swallowed another groan that threatened to come out and nodded with a strained smile.  Y/N could tell that her weak answer did nothing to reassure Tommy, but he didn’t press her. 

“How do you like the meal?”  She asked, doing her best to not sound strained against the constant pressure she felt pulsing between her legs.

Before Tommy could answer, Ben nodded with enthusiasm and stuffed a heaping scoop of mashed potatoes into his mouth.  “I love it, Mommy!  This is the best dinner I’ve ever had,” he said through his mouthful of food. 

Y/N smiled, but it must have looked more like a grimace because this time, Tommy stood up and moved to her side.  “Y/N,” he said, placing his hands on her shoulders, “are you sure you’re okay?  Should I have Frances phone the doctor?” 

Y/N grabbed his hand and squeezed it as she looked up to her husband.  “I’m fine, darling.  I promise.  Let’s just finish dinner.”  She pulled his hand to her mouth and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.  Then, using her head, she motioned for Tommy to sit again.  He stared at her for another moment, the line on his forehead deepening, before sighing and retaking his seat.  She kept her discomfort under wraps for the remainder of dinner because Tommy didn’t mention anything until after they had put Ben down for the night and were about to crawl into bed.  The pressure and pain had only grown in that short time, and she was beginning to get nervous.  She was sitting on the edge of their bed, eyes shut, and taking some deep breaths when Tommy’s hands landed on her thighs.  She could feel him kneeling between her legs, but she didn’t open her eyes.  She didn’t want to admit that her anxiety was consuming her or that the pain and pressure had turned into abdominal cramps.  It wasn’t until she suddenly felt the bed beneath her sopping wet that she looked at Tommy.  He looked down and saw the fluid dripping from her nightgown and their duvet before his gaze landed on her.  She could see his mouth moving, but his voice was drowned out by her rapidly beating heart.  Something is wrong.  She thought.  This shouldn’t be happening.  I’m too early.  Tommy pushed away the hair that had begun sticking to her sweaty forehead, and then ran out of the room.  His voice was distant, but she could have sworn he said something about calling Polly and Ada.  She wasn’t sure because all she could focus on was the sharp pain that was puncturing her abdomen and the immense pressure building between her legs.  Before she could comprehend what was happening, Tommy scooped her up and lay her on their bed.  What about the sheets?  I’m going to ruin the bed. 

She must have said those thoughts aloud because Tommy quickly said, “Don’t worry about the bed, love.  We’ll get another one if we have to.”  The pain was only getting worse, and she had to shut her eyes and bite her tongue to prevent a groan from escaping.  She didn’t know how much time had passed before Polly and Ada came rushing into the room, shoving Tommy into the hallway.  When it was just the three of them, Y/N finally let out a guttural moan.  She didn’t remember this much pain when she gave birth to Ben.  Something is wrong.  Something is not right.  Those words chanted in her head like a mantra.  Polly set her up on her bed while Ada used a wet towel to wipe away the sweat beading on her face.

“Just breathe, Y/N,” Polly chirped soothingly in her ear. “Ada and I are here.  We’re going to take care of you.”

Anxiety coursed through her veins and unfurled in her gut when the pressure between her legs began to increase.  She tried to cross her legs and prevent the inevitable from happening, but Polly and Ada wouldn’t let her.  Tears of pain and fear streamed down her cheeks.  She wanted to scream at them to stop and let her try to stop this urge to push.  But the pain and pressure were too much, and the only sound that came out of her mouth was a low groan. 

She could feel Polly’s hand between her legs, and the words “crowning” and “push” floated to her ears.  Ada took her hand, and Y/N tried with every fiber in her body to not push, but her body had other plans.  She held her breath and begged her body to stop forcing her baby out of her, but it was too late.  The pressure was building.  Climbing to a peak that felt like it would rip her in half until suddenly, she felt relief.  Her heavy breathing filled the room, and she waited impatiently for the tell-tale cries of her baby, but they never came.  She opened her eyes and looked at Polly and then at Ada.  They both just stared back at her, and Y/N knew something wasn’t right. 

“Y/N,” was all Polly whispered, and she knew.  The silence was deafening.  She lay there, completely exposed, bleeding, and sweaty, and waited, but her baby gave her nothing.  Her eyes shut and then, without any strength to stop it, let out a crushing wail.  The tears overflowed, and when she opened her eyes again, she watched the door burst open and Tommy storm in.  He moved over to where Polly held their baby and looked down at their motionless child.

“Why isn’t she crying?”  He asked. 

It was a girl.  I had a baby girl.  Even through her tears and sobs, she could see Tommy’s chest rising and falling at a rapid pace.

“Why isn’t she fucking crying, Pol!?”  Tommy’s voice boomed through the room and mixed with her loud cries to create the saddest song.  She could see the distress in the slant of his shoulders and how he ran a hurried hand through his cropped hair.  He didn’t wait for anyone to answer his question before bounding across the room and landing on the floor next to her.  His hands found hers, and she could feel them shaking.  His lips pressed to Y/N’s forehead and cheeks, absorbing only some of the tears that continued to cascade down her face. 

“It’s okay,” he whispered, but the way his voice cracked in her ear told her he didn’t even believe those words.  “I love you, Y/N.”  She could hear that his words dripped with the same despair she felt.  “You know that, ey?  I love you, and it’s going to be okay.”

Tommy’s words echoed in her head as she watched the fire blaze around her daughter’s wagon.  She wanted to be convinced that his words were true, but she couldn’t bring herself to believe them.  When the funeral finished, they all returned to Arrow House, where the wake was being held.  Even being in a crowded room surrounded by family, Y/N felt alone.  Her whole body was like radio static – unfeeling.  Tommy’s hand was on her lower back the entire time, but she still felt like she was floating away.  Nothing could tether her to this reality anymore.

Several people approached her and Tommy, and with every person, a new empty comment emerged. 

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” which loosely translates to, “Boy, that sucks to be you.”

“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,” which means, “I’m really glad I’m not dealing with that!”

And, “At least you still have Ben,” equates to, “You shouldn’t be upset when you still have one kid alive.”

With every consolation tossed at her feet like the change she used to find on the ground when she was a child, this unknown sensation began to build in her chest.  It was heavy and wild, like an untamed animal.  It was red and bared its teeth, ready to bite.  It was something Y/N had never felt before.  She was usually understanding, calm, and collected.  She wasn’t hot-headed or easily provoked.  But now, she was quickly discovering that what she was feeling was rage.  Hot and stormy, it ravaged her insides, and instead of beating it back into its cage, Y/N leaned into it, letting it hold her battered and broken soul up.

After the wake, Y/N let her sadness swallow her.  She hid in one of the guest rooms daily and even went as far as to avoid Tommy.  She couldn’t bring herself to look at him because every time their eyes met, two things happened.  1) she could see the grief he was carrying like cinder blocks chained to his neck, and 2) she could see the way he looked at her like she was a broken piece of artwork now.  She knew she was a shell of the woman she once was, but it hurt her even more to know that Tommy saw it so plainly in her, too.  He didn’t see her as the strong, independent woman he fell in love with.  No, now she was a ghost of her former self, and she couldn’t take his pity for having lost their daughter and herself. 

Although clearly grieving, Tommy didn’t seem nearly as phased by their loss as Y/N.  He was able to jump back into work, and now, nearly a week since the wake, he was back to being fully invested.  If Y/N were being honest, she envied Tommy for being able to distract himself.  She couldn’t do anything but hide from the memories that haunted their home and do her best to still be a good mother to Ben.  When a week finally passed since laying her daughter to rest, Y/N knew she had to do something.  She would talk to Polly and beg for some sort of work.  She didn’t care that Polly insisted that Y/N take some “time to heal.”  She needed a distraction.  Being in Arrow House felt more like a prison than a home.

Y/N got dressed and began to head for the door after handing Ben over to Frances.  But, as she approached Tommy’s office, she could hear him talking.  She peeked through the tiny crack to discover John and Arthur sitting at Tommy’s desk. 

“Ada’s handling the Communists.  She’s got someone on the inside who’s giving us information,” Tommy stated.  “And,” he shuffled papers around on his desk, “I’m…dealing with Father Hughes.”

“And what about the horny princess?” John asked, leaning forward and adjusting his jacket.  “You gonna figure out where her family keeps the jewels?”

Tommy waved him off.  “I already know.”  That single statement had both his brothers and Y/N leaning forward just slightly.  Tommy lay a large blueprint on his desk, causing the brothers to stand.

“They keep their entire collection in this strong room.  There’s no way to get in from above without a key,” Tommy stated, flattening the paper and looking up at his brothers. 

“So, what’s your plan, brother?”  Arthur asked like a good soldier.  Tommy straightened slightly, and Y/N could tell he was a little uncomfortable.  He pulled a cigarette from his case and slid it across his bottom lip before lighting it and taking a drag. 

“We’ve gotta tunnel in,” Tommy said without hesitation.  Those four words landed on the Shelby men like a grenade, and Y/N could almost feel the atmosphere shift at the statement.  None of them moved.  It was evident that the idea of tunneling hadn’t been a thought in any of their minds since the war.  Tommy cleared his throat. 

“I know,” he began, “but there’s no other way.  I’ve already got Johnny Dogs ready to help.  He’ll set up camp where we’ll start the tunnel.”

The air was thick, and again, neither of the brothers spoke.  She knew they didn’t like the plan, but they would comply because Tommy was giving the orders.  Y/N watched as John and Arthur fiddled with their suit jackets, their anxious energy hitting her like a baseball bat to the face.  It wasn’t until Arthur blew out a puff of air and ran his hand through his messy hair, exposing his apprehension, that Y/N knew what she would do.  Without even a second thought, Y/N opened the door to Tommy’s office, and all three men turned to face her.  She was only adding insult to injury as the silence in the room became even heavier.  Neither of her brothers-in-law had seen her since the wake, and the uneasy energy was almost palpable.  Tommy stepped toward her but didn’t get too close, which Y/N could see his brothers noticed.

“Y/N, is everything alright, love?”

Her eyes flitted between all three of the Shelby men for a moment before finally landing back on Tommy.  She knew she probably looked like a deer in headlights.  Her stare was frazzled, and she knew she looked a bit harried.  But she still squared her shoulders and stated with the most conviction she could muster, “Let me help.”

All three men’s eyes widened to the size of saucers, but only one spoke. 

“Excuse me?”  Tommy asked, incredulity lacing each word.  There was no going back now.  Y/N had to double down on her commitment.  So, she waved her hand toward the blueprints on Tommy’s desk. 

“With the tunnel.”

Tommy’s eyes turned a shade darker, and Y/N could see his jaw tick.  She only glanced at John and Arthur for a second, and they both looked like they might choke on the thickness of the air.  She felt like she might, too, but she held her ground.  She was not a fragile porcelain doll and could help her husband like she used to.  Tommy coughed, then turned to his brothers and, in a calm voice, asked, “Would you mind giving me a moment with my wife, boys?”

Neither of the brothers wasted a second before hustling out into the hallway.  Once the door shut behind them, Tommy’s steely gaze landed back on Y/N.  Before, she would have felt a little nervous under Tommy’s intense glare.  She had never inserted herself into his shoddy business in the past.  But now, she didn’t care.  She needed a distraction and a way to prove that she was still a force to be reckoned with even after her loss.  Y/N could see Tommy trying to contain his anger as his nostrils flared and his fists clenched and unclenched at his sides.  His eyes shut for a brief moment as he took a deep inhale.

“Are you fucking insane, Y/N?”  He finally asked, his voice level.  Y/N’s mouth fell open, and she reared back just slightly.  But before she could say anything, Tommy continued.

“You’ve been avoiding me, your husband, for a week in our own home, and when you decide to finally speak to me, that is what you say?”

Y/N rolled her eyes.  “Tommy.”

“No, Y/N!”  He shouted, causing her to startle.  “You can’t just move past this!”

That statement made Y/N see red.  In the week since Lily’s passing, Tommy did precisely that.  Y/N’s spine straightened, and her whole body became rigid.

“Why not!?” she shouted back, stomping toward Tommy.  “Is that not what you did?  Pretend like we didn’t lose our daughter?  You threw yourself into your work.  Why can’t I do the same thing?”  Her chest was heaving, and as badly as she didn’t want them to, she could feel tears pricking at her eyes.  She hated that she was a frustrated crier.  Her fists were in tight balls at her sides, and every muscle in her body was flexed.  She was ready for a fight.  She was prepared for Tommy to yell back at her.  In fact, she wanted him to yell at her.  She wanted Tommy to tell her how stupid her idea was and that she was out of her mind.  She mentally begged Tommy to scream at her for barging in on his meeting with his brothers and even thinking about tunneling.  Y/N wanted to feel the passion he usually had toward her before they lost their baby.  She needed him to reassure her that she was not a lost cause he was housing but his fierce wife.  But he didn’t yell.  The fire in his eyes dimmed, and his features softened.  The pity eyes were back, and she was struck by the sadness she was trying to escape.  She shut her eyes in a lame attempt to avoid looking at her husband and keep her tears at bay, but it was futile.  The tiny droplets fell down her cheeks, and when she opened her eyes again, Tommy was right in front of her.  He lifted his hands to cradle her face, and she hated how she melted into his touch.  It had been a week since she even looked at Tommy, let alone touched him.  She couldn’t lie, she missed him.  But it was easier to hide from the pain and suffering they both shared than deal with it head-on. 

Y/N let out a shaky breath and looked into her husband’s eyes. 

“Why can’t I, Tommy?” She asked, barely above a whisper.  “Let me help you.  Please.”

Tommy’s thumb stroked her cheeks, wiping away a stray tear.  He cataloged her features, and for the first time in a very long time, she wished she could see into Tommy’s thoughts.  She stared at him and hoped that everything she wanted to say was conveyed in her eyes.  I’m no longer the same woman I was a week ago.  I’m a failure as a woman and a mother.  I’m alone, letting my thoughts eat me alive.  I’m scared you won’t love this broken woman I have become.  Her eyes pleaded for Tommy to let her prove that she could still be the same person as before.  She needed to prove to him and herself that she wasn’t hopeless.  But when Tommy shut his eyes and let out a sigh, she knew his answer before he even said it. 

He looked at Y/N and said sotto voce, “You know I can’t, love.”

Y/N’s body went rigid, and that new familiar sensation began to bubble in her gut.  She could feel it rumbling and swirling, mixing with her fear and sadness, creating an uncontrollable fury.  It burned like venom, but she found herself welcoming the sting.  Her once soft features hardened, and Tommy noticed the change immediately.  Her stare was blank, and the joy that used to fill it had vanished.  Before losing her daughter, she never understood why the war had changed Tommy.  She supported him while his experiences ravaged him, but she never knew why he returned with a harder exterior than when he left.  But now, after suffering such a devastating loss, she understood.  There is no coming back from witnessing a tragedy. 

Tommy’s rough thumbs brushed against Y/N’s tear-stained cheeks and bent until his forehead rested on hers.  “Where did the woman I married three years ago disappear to?”  He said, his breath fanning over her face.  He pulled back, his distressed stare locking Y/N in place, and whispered, “I know she’s in there.”

The words stung like a slap to her already bruised ego.  She could feel the weight of that question in every bone of her body.  All her fears began raging a war inside her head, and she could feel her armor cracking.  She could feel the tears clogging her throat, burning as she swallowed them down.  Her lungs felt like they weren’t getting nearly enough oxygen, and she was only seconds away from either crying or breaking something.  With a swift step backward, Y/N separated herself from her husband.  She hated to admit that her body yearned for Tommy’s hands back on her, but she batted that thought away as quickly as it appeared.  Tommy slowly lowered his hands back to his sides, and she leveled him with a callous stare.

“That woman is gone, Tommy,” she spat.  “She burned to ash with her daughter a week ago.”  She could see the way her words landed on Tommy like bullets striking his chest.  Some of her felt bad, but the angry beast slowly becoming her new persona convinced her she did nothing wrong. 

Y/N waited for Tommy to say something, anything, back to her, and when he didn’t, she turned and reached for the door.  Confidence that felt different from what she was used to coursed through her body like electricity.  She was a little scared of who she was becoming, but those wild and fiery feelings of rage were the only things that brought her peace.  Before pulling the door open, she turned back toward Tommy and said, “If you won’t let me help you, Tommy, I’ll find someone else who will.  You forget, my roots run deep in this business, too.”

Tommy let out a dry laugh.  “You’re really threatening me, now, ey?”

Y/N’s grip tightened around the cold door handle, and, through gritted teeth, she growled, “It’s not a threat, Thomas.  It’s a promise.”  Without a second look, she flung the door open and stepped out. 

John and Arthur straightened at her abrupt appearance, and she just brushed past them, letting her feet carry her toward the front of their home.  She knew they heard her and Tommy’s conversation, but she didn’t care anymore.  This newfound boldness that her bereavement had granted her washed away any and all anxiety.   

“Hope you enjoyed the show, boys,” Y/N tossed over her shoulder toward John and Arthur.  “Next time, I’ll sell tickets and make talking to my husband more worthwhile rather than a waste of my time.”

She didn’t turn back around to see their reaction to her words.  Instead, she showed herself out and hopped into one of Tommy’s many vehicles.  She would find another way if he wouldn’t allow her to help.  The image of a tall Jewish man whom she briefly met a while back when Tommy first started expanding into London entered her mind.  She knew exactly who would be more than willing to give her a hand in her effort to help the Shelby family – Alfie Solomons.

[elouizamariaa]

If only Kishimoto loved Sakura Haruno as much as I do...

And even after so many years, I still come back to the thought of how Masashi Kishimoto did so little for Sakura Haruno. I’ve been hyperfixated on Sakura for five years, and I just wanted to pour out some of the feelings I have.

The fact that I read so many Sakura-centric/BAMF Sakura fanfics and enjoy various ships involving her is not a reflection of me self-inserting into the story, nor does it mean I have some kind of character flaw or distorted sexual fantasies, as I’ve heard people suggest. It’s simply my way of seeing Sakura Haruno being valued as much as I wish she had been in the original material.

It’s no surprise that she deserved proper development, but Kishimoto wasted every opportunity he had with her. Everything he could have done, even if she were just a civilian-born ninja with no special abilities besides good chakra control… Even if her family were simple, ordinary people (not that Kishimoto even bothered to mention them. Canonically, we don’t even know what Sakura’s parents look like, except when used as a narrative device to highlight Naruto’s or Sasuke’s moments as orphans). Even without secret techniques, without Kekkei Genkai, without being a reincarnation, he still could have done something for Sakura.

All the hate the character receives is a direct result of Kishimoto’s choices regarding her. I understand that Sakura is not a protagonist and that the story essentially revolves around Naruto and Sasuke, but Kishimoto was so meticulous in developing characters like Kakashi, Gaara, and Shikamaru (all of whom are close to the protagonist), that I don’t think it’s unreasonable to criticize how little Sakura received. Nothing about her was developed as much as she deserved. The kind of feelings Kishimoto made Sakura have for Sasuke at various points in the story were inconsistent. It would have been amazing if he hadn’t written her primarily as a love interest. If, from the very beginning, Team 7 had been built solely on bonds of friendship, without making Sakura’s entire first arc revolve around her being a fangirl. If he had wanted to include romantic relationships later, he could have done so subtly. But Sakura was written to fulfill that role in the beginning, and it became nearly impossible to detach her from that image once she began to mature. The early part of any work is crucial for presenting characters to the audience. First impressions were distorted by numerous unnecessary decisions on the author’s part, and one mistake after another left Sakura completely sidelined.

It’s no wonder Sakura constantly reflects on the feeling of being left behind. She’s left out of Sasuke and Naruto’s bond. Their relationship is transcendent, mythical, involving the reincarnation of brothers, with a mix of emotions—friends, rivals, soulmates, attraction, admiration, envy, passion, and so on. She’s left out of Kakashi’s bond with Sasuke (it’s explicitly stated that Kakashi sees himself in Sasuke). She’s left out of Kakashi’s bond with Naruto (all the backstory Kishimoto developed between Kakashi, Minato, and Kushina). And Sakura is left with nothing. This idea that Kakashi sees Rin in Sakura is neither canon nor as explicit as everything else I mentioned.

Kishimoto ruins everything he touches. Or almost everything. Ino and Sakura’s friendship… I have no words to describe it. He almost ruined that, too. But there’s still something bittersweet about the fact that he created drama and rivalry between them over a crush. It makes me roll my eyes every time I reread it as an adult.

Anyway… There’s so much to point out, but I feel more frustrated every time I remember it all. I never wanted a perfect Sakura Haruno. I just wanted her to be respected by the author. And for that, I’m grateful to the Sakura-centric fanfic writers who soothe my heart with truly wonderful stories.

[doodledoodlesdoodles]

My way too long Opinion of YIIK 1.V (at least before I start Benevolent Psychosis.)

TLDR: I started the game with uncertain expectations though was happily surprised with a pleasant though abstract game. It's not going to be everyone's cup of tea in my opinion least story-wise but I genuinely had a good time with it. Especially the battle system, it's a lot better.

Also if you don't know what Benevolent Psychosis is don't worry if you play throughout the game you'll find out eventually.

I try to not put in that many spoilers but I'll still say be wary of spoilers anyway just in case.

Also, i'm not an expert in gaming, just someone who really wanted to write down my thoughts on it.

Also I didn't read a certain book + these reflections are based on the first edition alone and not future games like Benevolent Psychosis.

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Thoughts of the original and my bias.

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I think I should start off establishing some bias I have towards the game when I picked it up.

When Yiik was first around, I didn't really give it much consideration. I think I was vaguely familiar with a modeler of the game since I followed them on tumblr? I could be incorrect.

Though the most I became interested in the game as a whole was Uricksaladbar's video 'YIIK - The Hero You're Supposed To Hate'. I had (and somewhat still do) not a lot of experience in things like post-modernism. From my understanding of that video combined with the many others that I engaged with at the time the creator crafted a self-insert intentionally-made asshole who obviously failed to grab audiences. That impression expanded into a creator who believed he was smarter than he was by including his past failed games and declaring that 'my mistake was thinking that video games were art' upon receiving a plethora of criticisms. Criticisms that focused on things such as the confusing plot, the narrative of Alex being at the center of everything contrasting the game's moral of not being self-centered, the creator directly ripping lines from books, the bizarre add-ons of things such as the 'golden alpaca', the real-life inspiration for one of the characters being based off a real mysterious death, and lastly the game - implementing a 'mini-game' like system into rpg battle mechanics (which I believe is much better utilized in games such as Knuckle Sandwich) being at best taking way too long (To the point you don't want to use them. Some of them taking like 10 minutes) and at worst just broken overall (I believe I recall some people abusing Essentia's ability frequently).

At best some of those critiques were taken out of context or misinterpreted. For example, one of the other videos I would watch showed off an almost identical real-life copy of Alex saying it was what the creator looked like. Cue my surprise modern day to find out that he doesn't look like the insufferable protagonist at all! Wow! Some of it also was based on Kokatu's articles which wow! They definitely haven't had some controversy about being a poor media outlet in the past! (Sarcasm!) I can understand why some of it could make people uncomfortable though, I know I had originally felt pretty iffy myself over a plot point being based on real-life events or the awkward way Alex talks or certain dialogue that many said came off as 'forced'. I also didn't understand the plot and not many of the people I watched around that time seemed to either. I wasn't sure if it was intentional either and old game updates only seemed to confuse those who engaged with it more. I didn't play the game and moved on with my life, occasionally seeing friends online joke about the game or a few posts putting the protagonist in shitposts.

Cue to modern-day, YIIK I.V coming out and I hear it's going to be an improvement on the game's story and combat while also adding new elements such as the mysterious 'nameless child' character. I played the demo of the free promotional demo 'Nameless Psychosis' during a relaxing call with one of my dnd buddies. I still found myself getting a little lost (though that might've been because I was on call and half paying attention. However, some other reviews I've seen of the demo found it also a little confusing. The music and sound effects I also found a little weird.) but at least for me - the confusion felt almost intentional in an 'artsy' sorta way. I was at the very least intrigued by this version. I know the original certainly failed to attract me despite its inspirations falling into things I enjoy. Plus, regardless of my feelings about the game, it's at the very least admirable that the creators here had a passion for their project to the point they wanted to improve upon it. I bought the game at a discount with the eventual intention of playing it in the future. I tried to prepare myself a bit by watching more positive opinions of the series such as Planet Clue's 'understanding of the "worst" RPG protagonist - YIIK' and Kellkrai's analysis of the game. 'YIIK ANALYSIS' of the original ( While I did end up appreciating the dive in showing Alex's mind and how it transfers to the world around him + The analysis of Essentia, I was still a little confused haha.)

I should note I didn't even know about Deviation Perspective - Wrong Soul Reqium - additional material that works to explain aspects of I.V. So that might affect my opinions of the game.

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PREMISE

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If you don't know what YIIK is about somehow it stars Alex, he just finished college for Liberal Arts and pretty much has no idea what to do with his life as he moves back home to his town Frankton. Thereafter following a cat into an abandoned factory for stealing your mom's shopping list - Alex meets a mysterious girl called Semi in a confusing landscape before she's kidnapped by mysterious otherworldly beings. After witnessing this, Alex makes it his mission to find the woman and by doing so joins a team of internet friends to investigate. During this, the world - as planet clue says - 'gradually starts to make less sense'.In - what i'll call the 'b-plot' - stars 'The Nameless Child' (Also called Allison and Carrie) who is trapped in another world entirely. There she must trek the confusing reality that is her existence through bizarre landscapes.

Other characters include

Vella, a girl from another universe who left hers possibly from the trauma of a mysterious record. Due to her experiences, she has a lot of knowledge about the world and souls that exist inside and outside Alex's world.

Rory, a contrast to Alex (referred to as The Good Brother to Alex's The Bad Brother by the Nameless child)grieves over the loss of his dead sister. He's awkward and how Alex treats him throughout the story affects his involvement in the story.

Micheal, who was once a childhood friend of Alex suddenly inserted back into his life. He has a fascination with computer games and photography though appears to know more than he lets on about the reality he's been brought into.

Claudio, an anime nerd who owns a large chain of record shops. His family also had a mysterious disappearance of his younger brother - he's made it his life mission to find out what happened to him and other people who disappeared like he did.

Chondra, Claudio's younger sister who more often than not I found as a 'straight man' or the the one who questioned what the hell was going on around her the most. She keeps her brother company though expresses frustration with the fact that Alex has wounded Claudio in obsessing over the past.

The Essentia 2000, is a mysterious robot of Alex's dreams who claims to be his 'soul-mate' in the 'truest sense of the word'. She claims to be many people all at once but her past lies in mystery and betrayal.

Sammy (Semi), the current obsession of the online forum Onsim1999 (the one that the protagonists engage with) due to her very mysterious disappearance and murder. Who is she? Why do we keep finding lookalikes of her all around that no one seems to recognize? Why was she kidnapped? Was she even really kidnapped in front of Alex?

Krow, is an inhabitant of Alex's mind(?) and is often associated with The Nameless Girl's mysterious journey. Why is he here? What does his waxed poetics mean for our secondary protagonist?

Asuka, a professional actress and best friend of Chondra, is preparing for a role for the Japanese film director Kisage X though the performance she's preparing oddly seems to have parallels with the world of The Nameless Child and Alex.

There's technically more but these characters felt the most important to me without getting TOO spoilery.

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COMBAT

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As mentioned before, the combat mostly circled around Wario-ware-like minigames. While that idea sounds fine on paper (and good lord the RPG genre does need spicing up every now and then) the main critique was that they were too long or too broken. While the story is probably one of the major features of an RPG, another is mechanics and battles. For me at least, the two should have harmony with each other to be a good RPG. I don't even need a groundbreaking story for it to be a 'good RPG, I'm a fan of even the original Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64 whose whole story mostly surroundings Mario having to save Princess Peach from Bowser again (though I think personally paper Mario was able to have a fun twist or add ons to the story to make it unique). I'll get on the story later but the point is if your player is actively avoiding fights then you're failing as an RPG.

I'm not skilled in the nitty-gritty of everything that makes RPGs 'work' and 'not work' but I personally at least found enjoyment in the new battle mechanic.

(YIIK I.V)

(Original YIIK)

I think even UI and aesthetics alone in 1.5 bleeds (haha) have more charm compared to the original. Even little things like the camera moving down as a party member leans over a lunchbox for items or (I didn't play the original so maybe this was a thing in that one?) how certain status effects like Blind give the characters affected sunglasses.Also instead of battling on a generic landscape (Which isn't bad perse but lacks charm - especially compared to its inspirations such as Earthbound the bizarre designs of the enemies just stand out much more) the characters battle instead usually in abstract visuals or shapes. The main critique so far is that the camera angle of the battle makes it a little difficult to find out which enemy is attacking my party though usually the character screaming in horror after being attacked fixes that. Also, some characters in the game will use guns and shoot out projectiles that will slowly drain characters' health- I found these enemies pretty annoying overall.

Anyway, each character has an average attack, their special attacks or skills that cost PP (Either by destroying an enemy's Karta- I'll explain later- or until a little clock near the PP UI clicks back into place.), and their element or 'Pokemon type'. Like Pokemon - the way the types interact with each other can mean higher damaging attacks, lower damaging attacks. There are also 'clashing elements' where if the attacker and the target have the same affinity, there's a chance that the defending element will be weak to the attacking element. There's no way to switch out party mid-battle like Pokemon though so to be honest I usually ignored the effective move scale entirely and did fine. This meant that a lot of the time my party was usually performing the 'clashing mechanic'.

Another aspect of the characters you play is their Life (HP), their ATK (Strength stat), Speed (...Speed), Luck (The chance of getting critical hits), Piercing Power (The chance of attacking the target HP and destroying their 'Shields' or Karta), Agility (The chance of dodging enemy attacks), and Karta (Let me explain timeline first!).

Speed affects your character's and your enemies 'timeline'. Every character starts at the 'WAIT' region and upon entering the barrier of the 'ACT' of their timeline- you can choose their moves. Depending on how fast your character gets to the metaphorical finishing line then they perform their attacks. Mostly just a visual way of showing your turn order though occasionally i'll admit I did find it a little confusing with enemies such as 'Shitty OC' (real name! It's a sonic oc that throws bombs at you). If you lose a party member in battle an angel-like figure thing will appear on the timeline. Once they're in the ACT phase, they'll send out a new teammate to help you battle. I didn't pay attention much to act except when I was in a boss fight since I admittedly found it hard to tell the turn order at least with the enemies. I felt I usually had only a vague idea of how it operated.

Have you ever played a dungeon crawler that gave you 'armor' or 'shield' that acted as temporary hit points without ACTUALLY harming your character's health overall? Karta is basically like that in the RPG form of that idea but expanded upon. For you to attack an enemy (and vice versa) you have to break through their 'karta' and drain their life. Upon destroying all their karta (or vice versa) they will enter the 'bleed' status where they will slowly lose hp throughout the battle. You can have 3 card slots to put your cards in from the front (more likely to be destroyed first), middle, and back. It's generally good to have all Karta filled because of this in my opinion. (or use items that create temporary Karta when you run out). Plus it also engages more with another feature of Karta, that being the types of Karta at your disposal.

Each Karta will not only modify your stats as long as they're not destroyed (Some good and some bad- The Hungry Traveler gives you a speed of 150 at level 2 but others like Level 3 Torn Hat will offer a good boost in Life and Speed but take away 2 from your Agility.), give you a bonus while still in your hand (The Deep Well will change your character's type to water and auto extinguish the being on fire effect and The Seamstress doubles your life and regenerates a little bit of every turn), though ALSO gives you something if you're willing to use the card and possibly risk sacrificing a good defense you might need in battle (I like using the Seamstress's ability to restore life of all allies and The Sorrowful Maiden's ability to lower the maximum life of a target). Do I want to USE The Torn Hat to make it impossible for my enemy to pierce through my defenses (Karta) or would I be better off trying to keep it because its IN-HAND ability means I get more EXP from the battle?

It took me a bit to get into it but once I did I found myself genuinely enjoying the mechanics of it. I hear it compared to the Persona series which I've never really played before (I do need to though) mechanics.

The characters also have their own playstyle and abilities. You can also get 'combos' from how long your character attacks without getting hit. I didn't pay all too much attention to it since I couldn't really plan ahead for a enemy attacking a character but somehow I still got Alex's 'Amateur MC' achievement so shrug.

I personally used Alex for defense and using items, prioritizing his Panda Barrier move on harder enemies but otherwise playing with LP Toss, Hair Whip, or Feedback. It felt like Alex got the easiest access of moves due to the fact you obtain a decent chunk of them through natural story progression compared to the other party members who primarily obtain them through Alex's mind dungeon.

Micheal, I used it every now and then, usually when I didn't have many party members left or if he had happened to be sent out. I think despite not using him too much he has some interesting moves such as being able to create copies or enemies, turn enemies against the party, and reduce enemy accuracy. Also if your party is all blinded or all dead, Micheal will pull out a fucking gun. I found this hilarious the first time I saw him do this. I'm not 100% sure how it is different compared to the camera so take this with a huge grain of salt but I believe it does more piercing damage?

Vella's banish ability was kinda useless to me unless I happened to run into a soul survivor character (Which would suck if I entered a battle without her because that could've meant I had to kill them? I have to see if Rory's protest ability - which acts somewhat similar - could do it too. Not being able to attack the soul survivors at all in battle was a little annoying to learn at first.). Despite that I use her a lot in battles, she's got some good buffs and healing abilities and her Bass Drop ability is pretty good for handling a starting hit on some enemies.

I didn't really use Rory that often, I liked interacting with him in the game but I felt like a lot of his abilities could be swapped with Vella. If Vella dies though he's a decent 2nd option if he happens to come out. I feel like a lot of his abilities can be similar to her's anyway. He can give allies karta, give them a heart card and make them stop bleeding, convince enemies to leave the battle, and swap HP with an enemy. He also doesn't instantly attack due to his pacifist nature. Instead, if you have him 'attack' he'll enter a counterattack move which he will damage back the enemy attacking him.

Claudio, I ended up also using a lot. Dragon Jump kinda acts like a fly from Pokemon and Vampire Blades is good for keeping him alive. It's really nice to use on bosses in my experience. Also loved using Storm Fury when dealing with multiple enemies at once if I was able to.

Chondra is a 'wild card type' which means she can change her Pokemon type with the move 'copy element'. If you go towards the 'clash' mechanic more than I do i'd imagine you'd like Chondra especially since the copy ability costs 0 to use. I usually used her Spread Item effect to give my party gauze (an item that creates artificial karta space) or healing items though I didn't end up using her a whole lot unless she popped in from one of my teammates dying. Her character is one of my favorites so it's a shame that I wasn't as interested in her moves.

We don't really get Semi/Sammy that often in the game so I don't even know if it's that essential to list her off in usefulness. She works as a decent tutorial character for Alex to work off of battle-wise.

Essentia's able to upgrade her STR and use an all-enemy-focused attack that usually takes care of weaker enemies on the field. I also read that she can attack Soul Survivors but I'm not 100% sure on that one yet. I didn't use her all that much but she was alright.

Krow's abilities I do find interesting and fun to use though you can only really use him a selective amount of times so far. He's usually your ally anytime you visit Alex's Mind Dungeon and it makes sense since his moves are about healing Karta or cutting enemy Karta. He's there to make mind dungeon battles a bit easier to handle.

Speaking of which: The Mind Dungeon! In the original game, it was highly contested as being an obnoxious and confusing way of leveling up. Based on video's I've seen i'd be obliged to agree. It doesn't even really explain the stats or elements all too well.

In the new version of the game, its been updated entirely. A hub of areas for Alex to trek like a platformer to Level up (at the spawn point Krow will show you three cards to choose from and those three cards will boost specific stats. The Top shows you the leveled-up stats and the bottom shows you the modifier added on), the ability to level up Kartas to be more powerful (I'll explain this later), Obtain Abilities (Some trapped by puzzles, platforming, and unlocking overworld abilities), and see little performances by Handsome Krow (I think this is a different ish character from Krow?) and his puppet things.

Handsome Krow's performances are something transferred from the old game I believe, showing Alex's subconscious thoughts of some of the people he's encountered via transforming them into workers or inhabitants of his mind. You meet them by getting to certain floors of the original game's dungeon though they kept the dialogue of Handsome Krow explaining what floor they're on in 1.5 which made me super confused! I assumed that i'd meet puppet NPCs around the overworld but they're only there every few performances you get after leveling up.

The dark cups spread around town (ones with blue flames above it) around the overworld give you character abilities. I think the explorative aspect of it is fun though the bizarre background music in the game makes it very irritating. If you unlock another song for the Overworld via the jukebox not too far from Spawn i'd consider taking advantage of it. I got really sick of hearing the same repeat of the song even though I DID like it when I first heard it. It fits the bizarre world but man it was annoying.

You're also probably wondering what's up with the key, the fetus thing, and the blood bag right?

Blood bags are easiest to explain, after defeating certain enemies in the game you obtain blood bags that can be used to upgrade the power of the cards which boosts their stats! Physical representations of the cards are usually hanging out near the spawn ready to talk to.

The 'fetus' things can be found around Alex's mind dungeon hidden in areas accessible from platforming or using your overworld skills. There you can hand them over to this lady at her card stand and she'll hand you a key. See that golden thing next to her? You need you use a key on that. There you'll fight a version of The Nameless Child with a certain karta card on her during the fight, upon defeating her you can get whatever karta card she used in battle.

Overall besides the repetitive music, I enjoyed exploring aspects of the mind dungeon. At the very least I did want to revisit it (something I assume was not many players experience in the original) any time I got an overworld upgrade just so I could see where it'd lead me or maybe if I could get myself a new Karta to play with. Not a negative per se but I was also able to get to areas I probably wasn't supposed to due to just platforming around it rather than getting an upgrade from progressing the game. I didn't experience it TOO much (I mostly remember 2 instances of me being able to do that.) but it's worth noting I suppose.

Aesthetically it just looks nicer overall compared to the old mind dungeon. It feels more disorganized and jumbled of memories, locations,or thoughts that Alex has. One moment you're exploring a mysterious temple and you suddenly find a replica of a bedroom. The bright visual in the skybox did start to irritate me but I got used to it.

(old mind dungeon entrance)

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The Nameless Child's Gameplay

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The Nameless Child's sections don't work as RPG, her sections are more on the experimental side but I feel comfortable calling her sections more 'puzzle-like'. Her Karta usually is flavor or like inventory to me. For example, there's a section where Carrie gets trapped in tank control movement signified by a 'tank karta' card, after removing the card Carrie gets a gun (lol). The Gun Card in the corner of the screen will show how much ammo Carrie has at that moment before needing to collect a refuel. Other times her cards are 'you stepped in cat poo and now when you walk you make a frog noise' or 'you'll be safe when you walk in fire'.

While that sounds confusing and messy (and sometimes it can be, though you can always check the descriptions of your karta for clues) I found myself always excited to see what bizarre landscape my characters going to traverse this time. Whenever I went back to Alex's plot I always felt myself wanting to return to The Nameless Child. At the very least I felt less inclined to look up where to go and how to do things in her sections rather then Alex's.

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Positive Notes

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I think overall the game's ui is much more appealing compared to what I've seen of the old game. Character stats have full models and a more interesting hierarchy in the text compared to the static set of stats and a tiny icon in the original. It's so much more fun to look at compared to the original. Even the text boxes use bright blue compared to the drab brown or purple pops much more.

I think once I got used to it, I enjoyed the visual card format of The Nameless Child's karta and how that translated into her own gameplay. I think her involvement overall is an improvement and the general direction of it all feels like a niche arsty audience. Based on a line Kisage X says in one of the cutscenes, this is probably intentional.

Speaking of Kisage X, I enjoyed his involvement overall and how they used his script as the lens of the story. It feels like I'm watching a very 'artsy' director display his own abstract vision which I think matches with the vague cutscenes in the game. It also plays with this distortion of what's 'real', what's alex's world, what's 'reality', so on and so forth. They have characters that appear in the story reference a script or characters mention admiration for the director or they refer to Kisage X's distinct way of recording people by having the person not know they're a part of the story or recording.

Aesthetically I enjoy how Alex's monologues are recontextualised in the form of a standup routine. It allows his stupid nervous body language to shine through and make his otherwise pretty drab rants more interesting. It gave me a 'some trying to do standup and doing it very poorly' vibe and I'm pretty sure that was intentional given Alex's attitude.

If you like Michael and Chondra I think you'll like the update, Micheal more so though. Not to say Chondra isn't given a spotlight though, more just Micheal. She's someone who isn't stuck in the past or a delusion like the other characters and she suffers because of it. I only can compare it to Homestuck terminology so i'd compare her to the mage class. Someone who gains knowledge from her own suffering. Micheal fans will eat good though since he gets a large focus in side cutscenes of the game. He's the 'best friend' archetype but is a man who feels trapped in that role rather than naturally living it. I think his cutscenes and him pulling out a gun only when no one is around or if everyone else is blinded really displays that. His persona cracks only a few times around others.

While i'll go more into in when I talk about visuals and music, I heard some people uncertain about the reliance on physical models over the visual novel like portraits. Personally, I think it adds to the uncanny nature of it all especially when the visuals are at its most bizarre. The scene where The Nameless Child's model is shooting off balloons of a certain character or micheal entering a room of a bunch of wide mouthed puppets of someone typing away at computers comes to mind. If it wasn't clear I overall love the aesthetic of it all.

I can't get into it much without going into spoilers but I'm always a sucker for things that explore the mind even a little bit. While obviously not the same kind of game as YIIK, I always enjoyed games like Psychonauts because every time I entered a mind I was able to analyze and understand a character I previously only had a few shared lines of dialogue with.

If you're more into the surrealist way of storytelling, I think you'll genuinely enjoy dissecting this game apart. It doesn't go for a traditional storytelling approach despite what it may seem upon first glance with Alex's story. I was slightly worried when I started the game that it was just going to be the full alex run and then all the cool new stuff but luckily it wasn't that thanks to the spliced nameless child bits, side characters cutscenes, unique battles, so on and so forth.

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Nitpicks

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A lot of it is nitpicking and personal preferences, I want to say overall I still enjoyed my experience.

There's a certain character in Chondra and Claudio's story that appears in Alex's mind dungeon. I know it's possible to encounter them in the original but I did not so color me very confused when these two told me about it.

Whenever you go to a shop or buy something at a vending machine there's a side window of Alex's reaction to the item you have selected. If he's sweating - for example - that usually indicates that the item is probably expensive. I didn't really understand what his other reactions meant, I think he bites his lip if it's a cheap item and goes: :O when its more costly. Not 100% certain however of this.

I thought it was weird it let you buy the basic version of weapons that your party members get - especially before you're even able to add them to your team. Just sort of felt pointless and left me having more of old items than I needed to.

I did hear some people complain about the screams that characters do when being attacked during battle- I was able to tune it out just fine but I can imagine for some people it can be a little annoying.

The intro - namely The Nameless Child's part - is a bit repetitive walking back and forth to figure out what you're supposed to do. While her sections can still include that in future levels I at least didn't find it as tedious. However, it could've just resulted from me getting used to it.

For certain mind dungeons or areas, I had to google to figure out what I was supposed to do or go - Vella's mind dungeon came to mind as I could not figure out what was up with that balloon of Vella.

They do reuse the old mind dungeon's entrance section for a future part, which I can imagine people who never saw the original could be a little confused on what alex means by 'How did we end up back here?!' That could be a nitpick though since otherwise I didn't have issues with that part.

In the steam version you only get achievements after quitting the game, not the end of the world but something I noticed. Some of the achievements also felt a little weird since the battle mechanic plays much differently compared to the original.

There's a certain section of the game that builds up to your party preparing for a great disaster (if you played yiik you probably already know what it is). Before that Alex has to gather everyone in the party and during that you can still explore the world as much as you want to your leisure. As soon as you get micheal though? Even entering a dungeon to battle that one last enemy will count as an entire day so I guess don't do what I did and just explore those dungeons as much as possible WITHOUT micheal. Also a bunch of Onism1999 side quests blow up during the period of training which is a LITTLE annoying. Also before you had any option to enter the mind dungeon but now if you do that'll also count as a whole day. I think I would've liked a warning at least similar to how I was warned about Yuzu's battle before entering the area it starts his cutscene. Not only that but leveling up in the mind dungeon counts as a WHOLE DAY which really annoyed me since I was at 2600 (26 levels!) with 18 days left that I spent doing side quests and dungeons which ALSO count as a whole day. Said dens and side quests give you 100 EXP that you would need to use the mind dungeon to actually level up. I wish they counted entering the mind dungeon as a whole day rather than leveling up. I feel like I was essentially punished for trying to complete the dens and quests because it locked out of a day that I could've spent leveling my characters up.This was the only part I was VERY annoyed by and consider outside the nitpick category maybe when it comes to alex's gameplay at least...

Had weird glitches where the parties levels would be off- it used to just be a level so I didn't pay it much mind but towards the end I would have Alex at 41 and the rest of them at like 54? Not sure what was going on there since as far as I knew all the party leveled up upon alex leveling up.

I wish the Onsim 1999 side quests were something I was able to see whenever, I felt like I had to backtrack to my house just to see what other quests I had to do.

A lot of the funny lines or bizarre (Nobody cares about your dead sister, THIS THINGS DIGITAL BABY!, There are more Vellas then final fantasy games, the two brothers cameos and appearance) are still there. For someone who hasn't touched the original but watched theory videos of it I took it more as 'Alex's pretentious mind' at best and found it hilarious at worst. I can easily understand critics who say the talk sprites make the lines stand out or sometimes the lines themselves are a bit on the nose. Other times its confusing on what's the actual reality and what is a part of alex's but I suppose that'd a bit of the point. The game includes more cutscenes and visual flare to hopefully display dialogue more interestingly. Speaking of which...

-

VISUALS (and music)

-

I've already mentioned a few of the aesthetical changes previously, so it's only fair I elaborate a little more on it.

As a side note, the music was one of the most appreciated aspects of the original game and at its best, the update keeps its most promising soundtracks. One of the battle themes that played in Essentia's mind dungeon - even though it was just for normal npcs - had me bopping. Other times YIIK I.V does struggle to use repetitive music that - while nice on the first few hearings and I believe does symbolically match with the game's visuals - gets on my nerves a little bit. I was right with some of the more ambience in the nameless child's sections though other sections like the intro which plays a repetitive plink drained me rather quickly. Other songs like the custom-sung songs (especially in the main menu and final cutscene of the first chunk) appealed to me the most.

Anyway, I was told that supposedly they weren't able to get more profile visual novel-like pictures from the artist during the development of the update. I can't really confirm that statement, however.

The way the models look I can understand may be jarring for some people, especially with the fact that sometimes they move their mouth and others just straight up don't. Other times I can imagine people being uncomfortable with how each of Alex's teeth are modeled. Personally though? As previously stated I think it adds to the uncanny nature of it all. It especially matches the psychedelic and bizarre imagery scattered across the game (Especially in the nameless child's parts). Even then, I feel like I at least was able to understand everyone's emotions and feelings just fine and the locations they walked around were always beautiful to look at even when it got more bizarre.

(reminding you that this show exisited.)

It's definitely not something i'd recommend to someone who has epiliepsy issues though. It's not what i'd call Problem Solvers bad but it can certainly be a bit jarring for people who arent' really 'prepared' for it, y'know?

I'm sure you've noticed me toss around the term 'artsy' a lot. Despite the Oxford definition of it I wouldn't necessarily say it's a pretentious display of art per se, but it's definitely something I can see being a turn off for many and extremely appealing for others. Sometimes the aspect ratio of Alex's little booth talks changes and leaves wobbly red lines and other times places from the old game have been completely recolored (Mt. Town's lush forest is replaced with melancholic blues or the island that alex is trapped on after a certain thing happens has been changed to reflect the 'despair' of the situation more appropriately with black and white colors.).

It's something you have to 'open your mind to' (Hope you like that joke yiik fans). Not a lot of it will make sense at first but it's something that's still worth seeing just what happens next. The state of being confused is at least what I found personally interesting to engage with which I understand sounds very counterintuitive but if you like that mystery to it and that drive to found out what's going on I think you'll find it interesting!

As i've stated before, treat it as if you're watching a surrealist film or experimental movie like the game presents to you with Kisage X's shaky camera and visuals. Do I watch Un Chien Andalou (Don't watch this is you're squeamish to body mutilation, holes, eye motifs!) expecting a linear narrative in mind? Hell no, that movie was purposely made with no conventional plot, it uses dream logic as a narrative for the whole thing. YIIK is like that to me on my first playthrough.

A lot of the initial story is there but the cutscenes and changes that are made and interspersed throughout the whole thing really drove me to engage more with it despite knowing the general beats of Alex's story. there are so many things brought into this free update- even if I didn't like the game (I do like the game!) it's admirable they wanted to bring in this much passion for something that people at the time only ironically fandomed over. It got me at least to check out Benevolent Psychosis!

Speaking of which, Tell Kisage X that you don't think you're a parallel Alex. I think it would bring some interesting changes. Also save before you do the big battle just in case you pick the wrong option initially like I did (I thought the game wanted me to say I was him because of my player insert lol.)

[cosmiccrushes]

Not Part Of The Crew

Law x OC || 2.6k ch || 29k totals

start from ch 1 here :)

notes: i didn't proofread as much as i normally would because it is about to be 2025 and i am very tired there might be more mistakes than usual pls don't be mad :p

and on that note, hoping you all have gentle transitions into the new year <3 it's really A Time out there, you know what i mean

CH 13: Law

She hadn’t tried to cause him bodily harm this time and Trafalgar Law would call that progress. When she asked him why he was doing this, he’d told her the truth. He wonders how long it will be before she asks him to elaborate on that. Over the next several days, Law administers Rue’s medical treatment in what could be described as downright amicable silence. She watches him with cat-like eyes narrowed in sharp vigilance, but does not ask him questions like he thought she would. Perhaps she’s saving her interrogations for when she regains her strength and can attempt to stab him again if she doesn’t like his answers. 

On the fifth day following their truce, she finally speaks to him. “I would like something to read.” He eyes her and she huffs. “I am bored.” 

He turns away to hide a smile at her grumbling tone. “Are you well enough to walk?” 

“Yes,” she answers immediately. 

He turns back to her, gesturing to the IV still embedded in the back of her hand. “I think it’s time to remove that anyway. May I?” She nods and he gets to work, trying to ignore the softness of her wrist under his fingers, the way her skin pebbles up her arm as if his touch tickles her. 

He flattens a bandage across the IV insertion site, pausing when she hums thoughtfully. He glances up at her, his fingers pressed to the back of her hand, to find her watching him. “What?” He feels almost self-conscious under her gaze, but has no idea why. 

She finally asks her first question as part of their deal. “Why did you decide to become a doctor?”  

His shoulders tense and Law reminds himself that this is what he agreed to. “My parents were doctors.” But just because he’s agreed to give her his story doesn’t mean he needs to be overly forthcoming with it. Still he braces himself for the inevitable next question…that never comes. 

Rue doesn’t ask where his parents are now. She stares at her hand, which Law realizes with a jolt that he is still holding. He releases her and makes busy work of sorting the IV away. “So the family business?”

When he looks at her again, there is a wistful, sad smile adorning her face. He almost opens his mouth to ask her what it means before remembering that he assented to not receiving any more personal information about her. He shakes his head at himself, realizing how vexing that was quickly going to become. “Something like that,” he finally responds. “They began teaching me when I was a child.” 

She nods slowly, that smile still on her lips. “That book then?” 

***

Law leads her to his study, settling behind his desk as she scans his shelves of books. She runs a finger back and forth across their spines and it could be the pendulum of a pocket watch set on hypnotizing him for the way Law mindlessly stares, mesmerized. He snaps his attention away just as she turns towards him. 

“Why mystery novels?”  

Law’s heart squeezes painfully. The memory of Cora-san’s enthusiasm washing over him. The way the pirate would don different voices for the characters, acting out scenes with a gusto that made even surly Law fight back a smile. “When I was young, someone introduced me to them. I liked trying to solve the puzzles before they were revealed. It was- an enjoyable pastime.” Law had nearly said it was a welcome distraction, but that might open her to questions about what he’d needed distracting from. He hopes he’s given her enough that she won’t ask who showed him these books in childhood. Law doesn’t talk about Corazon. 

“When you find something you like, you really hang onto it, huh?” 

He feels a spark of electricity at her playful banter. The only thing he has ever held onto is a vendetta. 

Rue chooses a book, heading to his sofa. She shimmies back into the cushions, plopping her feet onto the table in front of her before looking at him. She arches an eyebrow. “It’s okay if I stay here, right?”

Law nods. “Of course.” 

And thus they fall into a rhythm over the coming weeks. Law declares her well enough to leave the medical bay and return to her previous quarters on the ship. But every day she turns up at his office, with her questions and her perusal of his bookshelves. The doctor in him knows that she should probably be staying in bed, resting. Regardless of how much she acts as if she’s not in pain, not exhausted– he can see it in the tightness around her eyes and in how carefully she moves. But the other part of him doesn’t want to fight with her about it and– he doesn’t want her to go. He starts thinking of that spot on the couch as her spot.

Her questions are far ranging. 

“What do you like best about being a doctor?” 

Law knows better than to say helping people- she’d never believe it of him. He’s not even sure if it would be the entire truth. So he offers the closest he can get. “I like having expert knowledge that can be systematically applied.” 

Rue rolls her eyes at him. “Of course you do.” She pauses though, tapping her lip rhythmically. “Then again, I suppose that’s kind of how it feels to be a bard sometimes.” He clamps his teeth over the many questions he would like to ask her about her profession. 

“What’s your favorite food?” Rue asks one day out of nowhere, looking up from her book as if the thought had occurred to her in the middle of a sentence she was reading.   

“Onigiri.” 

A couple of days later she asks, “What’s your least favorite food?” 

“Bread.” Law watches her mouth drop open.  

“You don’t like bread?” 

“I do not.” 

“But it’s…bread!” She exclaims, dropping her book onto her lap as she raises her hands in seeming distress. 

“Yes, I’m aware of the concept.” 

She shoves her book off to the side, rising to her feet. She paces back and forth. “But what’s not to like about bread?”  

“I could have an allergy, you know,” Law says calmly. 

This stops her in her tracks, her cheeks tinging pink. “Oh. Of course, I’m sorry.” She bites her lip. “Do you? Have an allergy?” 

“No.” His lips twitch up when her mouth drops open in a round, surprised ‘O’ again. But his smirk flattens with worry as she strides around his desk. He wonders if his teasing is enough to warrant her throttling him. He swivels in his chair to face her as she steps up beside him.

She seizes his discarded hat off his desk and swats him in the head with it. “That is not nice, Trafalgar Law!” She smacks him in the shoulder. “You shouldn’t tease people about made up allergies!” 

He barks out a laugh when she hits him in the head again, fanning his hair across his eyes. “It’s not made up.”

She stops as she’s about to swing his hat at him again. “It’s not?” Her blue eyes are wide with curiosity. 

“No. Some people are allergic to a compound in bread. Doctors suggest avoiding it altogether to prevent serious allergic reactions if that’s the case. It’s still being researched.” 

She completes her swing, the hat slapping against his chest. “Then don’t make jokes about real allergies! That’s not okay either!” She crosses her arms, his hat dangling from her fingertips.

She sounds so cross that Law is genuinely chastised. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” He dips his head in apology. She exhales and Law glances up in time to catch her wince and press the hand holding his hat tighter against her abdomen. “And, I think I promised that we could fight after you’re healed. Until then, as your doctor, I’m going to have to insist you stop assaulting people.” 

She waves his hat at him in dismissal, but does lean her hip against his desk. “If it’s not an allergy, then what don’t you like about bread?”

“Dry. Chewy.” 

She scoffs. “Well maybe you just haven’t had very good bread. I used to help make-” She cuts off abruptly and Law finds himself leaning forward hoping he can chase whatever words she’s snatched off her tongue and shoved back into her head. She stands, dropping his hat back onto his desk. “I have to go. I’m feeling a bit fatigued. I should rest.” She leaves without a backward glance. 

Questions he can’t ask bounce around his head that night. What kind of bread did she make? Who did she help make it? A family member? A friend? Carlo? Would she bake for him, if he asked? 

***

In the next week, Rue is noticeably more reserved, as if her near admission of personal details scared her to silence. She still comes to his office. She still reads. But her questions come less frequently. Despite Law’s reluctance to speak about his past, he finds he misses her striking up a conversation. He also worries if the groundwork they were laying to build rapport has crumbled away.

Tentatively, he begins to answer questions she’s not asking. “This book is good to lift the mood after that book.” “I read this one in a single afternoon.” “I picked this one up after it had been discarded at a tavern.” He can’t seem to stray away from book-related facts about himself but it seems to do the trick. Rue relaxes, her questions resume. Law is both soothed by their presence and perturbed by his own steadily rising mountain of unanswered thoughts. 

One day, Rue enters his office after breakfast. He’s continued to ask his crew to deliver her meals to either her quarters or his office. They haven’t discussed the arrangement, but Law assumes she would’ve given him an earful by now if she was displeased with this and preferred dining with the rest of the crew. Law felt assured in his assumption that Rue preferred doing most things alone. That the amount of time she is spending in his company is a significant exception, not the rule. 

She shoves a book she’s clearly finished overnight back into its spot on the shelf before beginning her hunt for the next one. She pauses at the door that leads to his sleeping quarters, her head tilting to the side. Turning to him, she says “Can I see your bedroom?” 

“I- You- What?” Trafalgar Law was not accustomed to stumbling over his words, but her question has caught him so thoroughly off guard that he thinks he must have misheard. 

“Your bedroom. Can I see it?”

“Why?” His mind is spinning, trying to recall if he made his bed that day- but of course he made his bed, he always does. Had he left laundry on the floor? Why does he feel so damned embarrassed right now? 

Rue shrugs. “You’ve seen mine. I think it’s only fair.” 

Law wants to argue but she’s right. He knows exactly the makeup of her bedroom, on his ship. He wonders if that’s been unsettling for her- to have no privacy, no place truly her own here. Any protestations he was going to make fall away. It was only a bedroom. He stands, pacing slowly towards her. She doesn't move aside as he nears and he has to reach around her to open the door. He forces himself not to look down as he does, aware of her proximity and the heat climbing up his neck. The door swings open and he steps back. 

“Huh. Not locked.” Rue enters his room, gaze sweeping slowly around the small space. 

“Why would it be locked?” 

Rue squints at him over her shoulder, amusement dancing through her eyes. “You have a strange penchant for not locking things that you’d think a pirate would keep locked.” 

He has no idea what to say to that so he observes silently as she trails around his room. Her finger sweeps over the single row of books atop his dresser. “Are these special editions?” She wiggles her eyebrows, the gesture so categorically Rue that he answers without thinking. 

“Yes. Well, special to me.” 

Rue’s touch against the books is soft and gentle. Would that side of Rue ever be directed at him? Or would it always be closed fists and stinging palms?

“They’re sentimental?” She asks softly. 

Law nods. He knows he could leave it there, but she’s staring at those books with a tenderness that Law feels compelled to preserve. To hold onto for as long as he can so it soaks into his memory, sure that he is witnessing something rare. “They were given to me by someone important to me. He…used to read them to me when I was young.” They were Law’s most important possessions- his only possessions really. He’d taken great care to protect and preserve the books Cora-san brought back to their camps to entertain him with. 

There’s a torrent of emotion in Rue’s words when she speaks next. “You’re lucky. To have had someone to read you stories.” 

Law moves to the dresser, pointing to the first book Corazon ever brought him. “This one was my favorite.” 

She strokes the book spine, then smiles up at him. It feels like one of her real ones- no barbed wire wrapped around it to keep him at bay. The word beautiful flashes through Law’s mind. “Not a parent then?” She asks the way you do when you already know the answer. 

“No. My parents were killed when I was quite young.” 

She doesn’t offer platitudes like some might. She simply nods. She continues moving around the room. The calm, calculated, collectedness of Trafalgar Law is short-circuited when she sits down on the edge of his bed. He’s not quite sure what makes it so bizarre other than the fact that he would’ve never expected her to do it. It was a familiarity, an intimacy he was certain he hadn’t yet earned. But here she was, brushing a hand against the soft fabric of his bedspread. 

She continues tracing invisible patterns into the cover. “My parents also died when I was a child. A fire. I grew up in an orphanage. I would’ve died in the fire too, if my father hadn’t tossed me out a window. Instead, I got away– burned and with a broken leg– but not nearly the price my parents paid.” She finally meets his eyes. “It’s not easy, is it? Being someone who got away?” 

Another piece of the puzzle falls into place for Trafalgar Law. That emotion, pooling behind her eyes, he knows it’s waters well, has swam in its depths plenty. The thing inside of him that keeps gravitating towards her, that feels like a kinship. This is part of it. It’s the pain of a specific kind of loss- one you weren’t sure you were meant to have survived. 

Law turns to his dresser, pulling the first book Cora-san ever read to him into his hand. He holds it out to Rue. It’s the best thing he can think of to give her for sharing this piece of herself with him. A piece of himself in return. 

She takes the volume gingerly in her hands. There’s an undeniable reverence there as she looks at the cover. She rises from the bed, hugging the book to her chest with the hand still splinted with her healing fingers. Her other hand she brings to hover over his heart, then her fingers press gently against him. “Thank you.”

Law isn’t sure how long he stands there after she leaves. The lingering warmth of her hand, only a phantom against him, but far from unsubstantial in the weight of its significance. 

[narwhalandchill]

(just my 2.3 pull / general hsr rambles/rant but i get negative abt fireflys characterization again so thought id hide it for all the fans sake. good for yall & good luck pulling her i just cant get into her)

welp got my e1 gallagher (+ e2 mika) in 30 pulls on firefly so thats it from me, ill get e2 from the character selector so at least thats sth!!! i have been playing him a bit even at e0 and i do overall like how he feels so getting him to that e2 breakpoint where he rly starts to thrive as a sustain pick is v nice

anyway no early firefly which is whatever i consider her in game writing an absolute failure anyway and havent cared enough to watch Any of the trailer stuff either bc like . they lost me in 2.0 im sorry girl no matter how hypothetically good those trailers could be the writing team lost me forever at the ayaka-teppei forced date arc and thats it lmao . she couldve been an actual character but oh well what matters is shoving how cute and perfect and sad and in love with TB she is down ur throat at every fucking moment . her idle animation is so fucking bad too it made me laugh irl at how awful and cheap the fanservice is w her like yeah alright navia idle (which is already the worst idle in genshin i hate it) 💀💀💀 how do you do a characters potential this fucking dirty holy shit . we havent shilled firefly self insert ship to players enough so lets upskirt her too uwu!!!!!

But uhhh yeah thats a me being a hater thing ultimately i just physically cannot stand characters like this and first impressions do matter . Dont let me ruin her for u. nothing but props to her VA too like as much as her general characterizations appeal has been unsuccessful on me still shes been giving it the Absolute most to try to make her feel real and sympathetic and i respect that a lot

Still tho only thing that rly sucks w not just getting firefly at 4 pity or whatever and being done w it is just the. Welp Guess ill proceed to be unable to full clear any of the next 7 AS or MoC updates bc i pulled the wrong characters instead of Good Meta Dev Faves acheron and firefly like havent rly been a fan of the way the shilling has been going recently . like i just have rly shit matchups into the weaknesses of most stages these days and idk i havent even felt like Bothering to do PF 4 bc i just. DoT PF is always the fucking worst and i genuinely dont know what the hell to try to slap at it for a clear. guess my bad for not pulling swan either like truly my mistake . whatever its just a game .

Actually am i getting like burnt out ? well tracks for a honkai game i suppose. ig it also has to do w just the absolutely abysmal luck ive had now like. ive lost LC 75-25 of the 3 times i went for it TWICE . ive lost 50-50 like 5 times in a row now lmao and fully expect to lose on jade too at this point 🙃 might not even manage to get her at all . Sigh guess thats gacha at its worst for u

Sorry this got way more negative than i thought HSJSKSKSKSKSKD i hope the 2.3 story ends up being good at least so theres Sth good about it . and its not like i will die not clearing endgame content w full stars or sth it just sucks bc the way its happening just feels bad

edit: yeah im @ coffee break at work and it took me this fucking long to realize i just casually typed mika instead of misha JSJSTUHTS8J5Z9 💀💀💀💀 im so sorry misha youre way better than that nerd 😭😭😭😭😭 esp at c2 w the def shred i might even build him who knows . So sorry for this

[wishchthumblr]

ive made a lot of self-inserty ocs in my time, and if you'd look at them all you'll see most of the time theyre the child/little sister of one of the characters. one of the characters who is kind. who cares. who loves. who wont leave her or hurt her or lie to her or hate her. who is stong and will protect her. im realizing all those inserts are just because the connections and relationships i give to her is what i desperately wish for.

i just want someone to see my pain and take me into their arms and let me crawl onto their lap and hide in the crook of their neck. i want someone to gently pet my hair and let me cry on their shoulders. i want someone to see me, all of me, all my flaws and cuts and marks and failures and faults and all my ugliness and mistakes and all the mean things ive done, and i want them to say that its ok. that they love me anyway and that im only human and that its ok to hurt sometimes. i want someone to see my cuts and my bruises and hold me gently anyway, i want someone who'll get a warm towel and clean my wounds and tell me im still beautiful. that im not ruined. that i still have worth.

i want to be able to put down the masks and the pretend in front of another person and still feel safe. i dont want to feel like i have to run away whenever the tears come because im scared they'll see me as weak and useless and pathetic and dumb and annoying and a waste.

i want someone i can trust to tell the truth tell me im pretty, and that despite how much ive been hurt i can still be kind, and that im still loved and that its not to late for me to be a better person, that im not already a horrible person. that im just a kid who made a lot of mistakes. i want someone to hold me and let me cry and tell me that it wasnt my fault, that i was just a child and that it shouldn't have been my responsibility in the first place.

i just want to able to be the small one, the young one, the one who is comforted instead of always having to comfort others. i just want a family where i can act like the youngest, because thats what i am, instead of being forced to be the adult.

i just want a father who cares about me, that i dont have to constantly fear is going to come back into my life and hurt me again, that didnt tell me how awful and ugly and pathetic i am over and over and over and over until i had no choice but to believe him, that didnt hate me. that didnt leave me. that didnt make it very clear that he would always put the needs and wants of himself and his girlfriend before the needs of his child. i wish i didnt know what being unwanted felt like at 7 years old.

i want a mother who that i can cry on without having to be aware of how she's feeling, that i can talk to without feeling like i have to constantly censor myself to not give away just how much she messed me up, that i can hug and be comforted by instead of feeling like my skin is burning every time she touches me. i dont want to be forced to be a therapist to my own mother, hearing all the things i have in common with my father and how all those qualities make a person terrible. i wish i didnt know how to stop crying on command, how to be numb and empty at 12 years old.

i want a big brother who will protect me instead of hurt me, i want to be able to look at my brother and know he'll chase all the monsters away instead of being the monster. i wish i wasnt forced to have this specific room because its the only room where the door opens in, so that he cant open it if he wants to hurt me. i dont want to have to think about what i'd do if he stops pulling his punches one day and kills my mother. or if he kills my dog. or if he kills me. I dont want to be forced to hide all the fragile things because he might break them. i dont want to live in a house where we have to hide the knives because you never know what he'll do. i wish i didnt know how to quickly hide the fragile and valuable things and how to take the hits and hide the pain and hide the fear at seeing my mother on the floor after being beaten by my big brother at 10 years old.

i wish i lived a life where im not scared that everyone i love will hurt me. i wish i had a family who are the reason i wake up in the morning instead of being the reason i want to go back to sleep.

i wish i had a family i could look at and honestly and truthfully say, "i know they would mourn me if i killed myself."

but i cant say that. because i genuinely dont know if they would.

and i think the most terrible thing of all, is that i dont know if i would mourn them either

and that thought is terrifying to me

[autumnslance]

I have a question! How do you get over a fear of writing and creating a character? I try to write but I start feeling anxious. My brain doesn’t want to come up with anything. Even trying to imagine a character in another series causes the anxiety. I know I should stop but I don’t like the idea of stopping as I feel like I’m failing.

Is it the creation, or the potentially sharing with others, that's actually scary? Is it what others may say? Is it feeling like what you might come up with isn't "good enough" in some way? Is it fear of a self-insert, or of being derivative? Feeling like you have to create characters and stories to be in fandom, rather than wanting to create for the sake of it?

A lot of times, it's our fear of how others might react or think that stops us. We're afraid of looking dumb, or oblivious, or otherwise Incorrect in some way, and that we'll be ridiculed or scorned for it. We're taught to fear failure and the judgment we think comes with it.

It's easy to say "kill the cop in your head" and "screw what others think, create for yourself" but it IS hard, if it's a point we want to even get to for ourselves.

So figure out what part of the process actually is scary. I guarantee it's not actually "all of it!" There's at least a ranking of "scariest" to "least scary but still nerve-wracking". Once named and acknowledged, and broken down, it's a little easier to tackle.

I made up stories and characters in my own head for years before I ever shared them with anyone. A teacher singling out my and another student's stories as meeting the mark of an assignment in completely opposite ways helped. Screwing up the courage to post to my high school's nascent lit journal was hard.

I was terrified. I was one of the weird kids constantly bullied or ignored. If people knew who I was, they didn't like me cuz I was awkward and unsociable. But I wanted to write, and adults I trusted who read the few things I actually turned in told me I was decent at it, so I did it scared anyway.

And nothing bad happened. Some folks thought my stories were OK. If they said anything at all.

It took me several years before I was able to post anything online. Some was access. Some was fear. Some was feeling like I didn't have characters or stories to share. I got into roleplay, online and in person. My characters were...well, LynMars, my usual handle, is from a Vampire LARP character I played over 20 years ago, and made a lot of baby roleplayer mistakes on. I did her dirty in many ways. She wasn't a good character. Had a basic screwed up backstory but no real goals or plans. I played her for a few years and learned a lot from her, and so she's stuck with me as a reminder.

Several of my characters from those days weren't great; unimaginative, derivative, some very much "wow I did not know better back then..." But...we had stupid goofy RP fun anyway, learned from those characters and each other, tried new things. Sometimes they worked. Sometimes they didn't. A lot of times it was nerve-wracking.

There's a lot I write that I don't post. Some because it isn't ready yet. Some because I'm not ready and don't know that I ever will be. It's scary. And some of that is the bully still in my head, and I know it, and some days that's easier to deal with than others. Some days I can tell the bully to screw off. Sometimes I keep those stories private, I tell myself as indulgences.

I give myself the grace to fail, and remind myself that doing it scared anyway is where many of us live every day.

Anxiety sucks. Even with meds and therapy, it doesn't entirely go away. Figuring out how to work around it, or through it, or even wrangle it into submission and work for oneself, is tricky and individual. But it doesn't own or define you and your creativity.

Start small. Start simple. Start for yourself and don't worry about sharing it yet. If making up a new character is hard, find a favorite canon character, marinate and rotate that blorbo in your brain awhile, then file the serial numbers off as you imagine them in What Ifs and AUs. Share only if and when you're ready, if it's a thing you want to actually do.

And you may not. You don't have to create anything to be part of fandom. You don't have to have OCs with full backstories and planned futures. You don't have to write or draw or screenshot stories. You can just vibe.

Find why you want/need to create. How much it means to you. Isolate what parts of creation and/or sharing are so scary. Figure out if it's something you personally truly want or need. Then you'll be able to chart your path forward, one way or another.

[treetownconfessions]

new-ish to the blog (been here about a month....,,) and i wanted to finally get this off my chest bc it was killing me. i'm queer as hell now but BACK THEN when i was 11-13 i was a cis boy who just liked reading comics and doing a jump everyday in hopes of becoming the tallest jumper in the world. and at the time i found out about happy tree friends and got into it very fast, both bc the gore and extremity was edgy and cool to me and because i genuinely liked the characters. i developed a crush on flippy, because, who didnt, and finding out a LOT of htf fans felt the same made me happy at first. but it became really clear nearly all the people who crushed and fangirled over him were girls irl and i felt like a weirdo about it because i was a BOY and i had a crush on flippy who was ALSO a boy. BUT seeing those same people ship flippy with other boy-characters in the show gave me massive mixed messages, because everyone seemed to love it when it was in-show only and i hadnt EVER met another boy online who had a crush on flippy so i wondered if it just wasnt allowed when it was outside of that, even though i wanted to express it with everyone else so bad. i couldnt go to my irl friends bc none of them were into htf and i was worried theyd think i was weird anyway. so my solution to keep crushing on flippy while still being normal to everyone else was making a htf oc that was quite literally a self-insert of myself, all the way down to the comics i liked irl, and shipped him with flippy. but i never told anyone it was my self-insert and just said it was an oc very unrelated to me and i wanted to keep it that way. i made horrible art of us and wrote equally horrible fanfic of this "oc" and flippy, bc i thought it was a genius solution to expressing my adoration for flippy whilst keeping the handful of followers and online friends i had satisfied bc it was boy x boy stuff. i never wrote/drew raunchy stuff about them bc as far as i can remember it was just shit like going on a date with flippy at the library or having picnics with him etc etc. but once i shared a recent fic with one of my online friends about them and at some point they went "you wrote it like an x reader so i thought it was self insert lol" and i was genuinely in shambles. i thought they were accusing me of having a crush on flippy myself and they were about to expose me or something (they didnt even know i was a boy irl so i dont know??) so i defensively told them it wasnt a self insert and i wasnt attracted to flippy in the slightest. but i was really rude about it and they replied saying they never said that, they never accused me of having a crush on flippy or anything like that and it was just a mistake. i dont remember the entirety of our messages but i remember getting so butthurt and angry i kept telling them to fuck off and that it wasnt a mistake on their end and they HAD to be accusing me of actually liking flippy. i blocked them and i cried so hard into my pillow i could barely breathe and i considered running away from home that day bc i was convinced that person was gonna tell everyone i liked flippy even though i was a boy and somehow get to my irl friends and family and i would be considered a freak for it forever. i stopped posting my art and fics of that "oc" and flippy after that and i didnt know how to delete my account at the time (it was on deviantart) so i just logged out and never touched it again. ive been thinking about it recently now as an adult and i forgot the password to that account so everything is still up and there hasnt been a new comment since 7 years ago but it keeps me up at night thinking about the person i cussed out and all the published stuff

[abookishidentity]

Books read in April 2024

-A Quantum Love Story by Mike Chen started March 29, 2024 and finished April 2, 2024 - 4/5 stars. This is a time loop story with love in it. Time loops are always so angsty and devastating. I like how the main character initiated the love story. Its very interesting how the only way to stop the loop from repeating again is to go back in time to fix mistakes. Its devastating that the main character doesn’t end up with the man she likes but she makes it so her past self can end up with him. Did not see that coming 

-Light Years from Home by Mike Chen started April 2, 2024 and finished April 5, 2024 - 5/5 stars. Oh man what an amazing book. Imagine having such an estranged relationship with your family that when you and your dad are abducted with aliens you are like “Yeah, I’ll fight this alien war but I’ll send my dad back though” I don’t know what I would do if my twin was abducted by aliens and then returned years later. Such good family drama in this book. Lots of “Why didn't you come back?” and “It’s your fault that dad died!” 

-The Afterlives by Thomas Peirce started April 5, 2024 and finished April 8, 2024- 4/5 stars. Man dies and comes back and sort of has a crisis about not seeing anything. Interesting characters and plot. This was going to be 3 stars but the part with the main character going through the machine was interesting. Main character was a tad annoying but I have read worse. 

-The Echo Wife by Sarah Gailey started April 9, 2024 and finished April 10, 2024 - 4/5 stars. What do you do when you find out your husband essentially made a clone of you and marries her? I’m so glad the clone murdered the abusive husband. It sounded like the main character and her husband were toxic to each other. I was thrown a bit when the clone and the main character decided to make a clone out of the asshole cheating husband but whatever. Asshole husbands are buried in the garden it seems. Interesting ending. 

The Mimicking of Known Successes by Malka Older started April 11, 2024 and finished April 12, 2024- 4/5 stars. Cozy murder mystery in space with lesbians. What’s not to love? The dynamic reminded me of Sherlock Holmes and Watson a bit. This was a short book so I read it pretty quickly. 

-The Imposition of Unnecessary Obstacles by Malka Older started April 12, 2024 and finished April 15, 2024- 4/5 stars. The sequel was a tad longer but it was still pretty good. I would be interested to see where this series goes. 

-The Devil You Know by Mike Carey started April 15, 2024 and finished April 19, 2024- 4/5 stars. Now this is the urban fantasy that I really fucking love. It makes me think what the hell Felix was doing before this book took place. It amuses me to no end that Felix plays the tin whistle to do stuff with ghosts. Imagine going about your business and see a man playing a flute and playing popular british songs. Anyway good book. I need to read the entire series. Felix Castor is an interesting man living in an interesting world. 

-The Veiled Masters by Tim Pratt started April 19, 2024 and finished April 22, 2024- 5/5 stars. Oh man what an excellent book. It’s the third book of a trilogy. There’s just something about mind controlling spores that I just fucking love. It actually works in this book. I also love the mind control is added with feelings of bliss and happiness when a task is completed. This trilogy was entertaining as hell and I love the diversity of characters. It’s also queer which is good. I think I ought to look into Tim Pratt books more. 

-Vicious Circle by Mike Carey started April 22, 2024 and finished April 28, 2024 -5/5 stars. Holy crap I think I like this series as much as the Sandman Slim series by Richard Kadrey. Felix is incredibly interesting. He inserts himself into certain situations though as if he’s the only one that can fix things but whatever. I’m a little confused as to why a certain dude injected him with truth serum. Didn’t even get to read if it actually worked or not. It’s very interesting to see how Felix will get out of situations and or fights. He can get hurt and has to recover like any normal person. It makes a lot of sense that at the end of the book his landlady/friend is like “Yeah you aren’t living here anymore” 

-dhalgren by samuel r. delany started April 28, 2024- I am half way through this book at the current moment. I am unsure if I’m going to finish it. The main character doesn’t seem particularly picky with things including where he’s sleeping and who he is sleeping with. I hope protection still exists. Like the main character will sleep with women and men and there isn't any mention of protection. Like fucking hell I just got to the part where he does stuff with the 15 year old boy. I'm pretty sure it's considered rape. This book was written in the 70s and I have to remind myself with that. This book doesn’t always make sense but I guess that’s fine. Perhaps I’m reading it for a change in scenery. Sometimes you got to read things that make you uncomfortable.

[bnunnybrained]

I've made a lot of self inserts, like more than that's probably considered normal even now when I've realized I have a habit of adding parts of myself to characters I don't consider self inserts

Dreyan and subsequently Anna, to a lesser extent, were at once nothing but the culmination of negative and positive traits but have since grew into their own characters, a Tragic Hero save from his fate and the Heroine who saved him

Vari at one point was something I considered my fursona but has since became an expression of an existential fear I still kinda harbor to this day, that no matter what you want to be, what you are is set in stone because of the person that you came from, a reoccurring theme that happens to nearly the entire Ahbell family as well as a good chunk of OCs from the ruinverse as I think the whole "Being better than what others think you are" is a theme I like to vibe with. (plus I made the mistake of giving them a hot mom which would make things awkward going forwards)

Vio was my first foray into feeling out a one true self insert and playing around with my ideas of femineity and gender identity and though I'm actually unsure if I still consider him a self insert or not, I am excited to write about him his weird hybrid universe made out of two universes and the other kinky witches he's surrounded by

DV is a near straight, one to one rip of me as a person, who's whole thing is playing the straight man to a dystopian world that runs on porn logic, which is funny cause his story is probably gonna end up being the least serious, probably anyway

Also shout out to Dia who's also the first self insert who started out as a homestuck OC and developed into a multiverse-hopping inventor, and it kills me every time I remember rick and morty exists cause I can't remember if I ripped them off or not.

[literaryavenger]

Hey there,mutual 🙋🏻‍♀️ I do have a request if you want it,but I think it's better if I send you the request via message,just wanted to make sure it's cool with you first? I actually saw the post where you opened requests like 5 minutes after you posted it but I got busy with preparations for Eid. I just got around to writing the request in my notes yesterday when I finally got time.

I'm so sorry to hear that you've been having writer's blocks. Must be exhausting to be unsatisfied with everything you wrote & constantly deleting hours of progress and hard work. I do write but only in my notes for only my eyes to see and I'm unsatisfied with most of them too. So I do understand how hard it is to write. But it's especially hard when you're facing the block and the block really does suck. But hey,at least you're posting your writings for the world to see & people are showing love to them,you're much braver than I am lol. If it helps,your works are great btw,I enjoyed reading them ❤

Also,I would love nothing more than a personalized fics with my real name in it,it sounds like a dream come true for readers like me 😍 But I'm afraid people will usually scroll past Character x OC or Characters x Named Reader fics and I don't want people to scroll past your hard work,your amazing writing. And I also don't want people knowing my real name. But I want to give it more thought. But this request that I got is not personalized tho,it's the usual x reader self insert one.

Hi, mutual! 😂💘

First of all, thank you so much for reading my fics, you're so sweet! I may be a little braver now, but for the longest time I wasn't. You can actually see in my page that I started by posting silly little incorrect quotes and the made my way up.

I actually went back to check my earlier fics and correct the mistakes and I can see how much better I got, largely because of the comments and constructive criticism I got from readers. It's a process, I'm still trying to get better but at least I'm trying. Baby steps.

Anyway, you can send the request if you want, I'm always open to it although it could take me a little to actually get it done between work and also just existing lol.

If you want a personalised fic with your name, I could also just write it for you and not post it or maybe send you the personalised one and then post a reader one with some details changed.

What's important is that I get writing, even the silliest of ideas, which helps me get inspired to do more.

I'd also like to say to anyone who already sent me requests that I've seen them all and I'm working on them. Even if it takes me some time, they're coming I promise!

[misty-zzz]

BROKEN TITANS AU

my msm au lol, 🤩🤩

Just some things I wanna say:

Some parts maybe similar to the fs AU, this au is inspired by the fs au. But most of the time, I thought of those parts before I got to read the similar parts. 

ANYWAYS, plz enjoy 😋😋

Tootoo is literally a self insert, I swear 

🌈☁️🌈☁️🌈☁️🌈☁️🌈☁️🌈☁️🌈☁️

    Tootoo wasn’ t the happiest today, a party for Sky Painting was going right outside the castle. She didn’t exactly like the fire works, or just being at a party in general. “I wish the party could just end…” complains the Tootoo. The party had been going on for hours. The door opens, Sooza enters the room, “ I hope the party isn’t too loud,” she says locking the door. “It’s alright Sooza, but how was it for you?” Asks Tootoo. Sooza plops onto the bottom part of the bunk bed they shared. “It was alright, mostly hanged out with pluckbill.”

      Tootoo gets back to what ever they were doing before. “Whatcha doing anyways?” Sooza climbs to the top bunk. “You’re making a lot of noise, and I can’t read my comic!” 

“I’m putting up these posters I drew,” drawings of Tootoo’s original characters hangs on the wall. “I forget that you’re a really good drawer.” Sooza gets up onto the bed. “What’s their name?” She points at an almost hoo-man like character. “That’s Delta, she’s a mix of a hoo-man and what the hoo-mans call, I think they’re called a dragon..?” It responds. “Well that’s very cool, but I think we should both go to sleep.” Sooza climbs back down, and gets to bed. 

     Tootoo wakes up. Everyone in the castle wakes up. Everyone on the island wakes up. A shift within the titan made everyone awakened. “Sooza, what was that…” Tootoo hangs off the edge of the bunk bed looking at her sister. “I don’t know, but I don’t want to check it out.” Tootoo thinks for a moment, “Well… you keep on being a Snooza, but I want to check it out.” Tootoo climbs down, with the soft bells from the shoes making that soft noise. “Be safe, dont die, or get lost…” 

     Tootoo walks outside, to see many more monster on light island crowded around trying to figure out what just happened. Monsters all spoke about their theories. Most monsters were convinced it was an earthquake. Even if it was a small one, Tootoo wasn’t fully convinced by this. “But Light island isnt on top of any tectonic plates…” mumbles Tootoo, remembering their lessons from school. So they go off away from this crowd. It was too loud anyways.

 She goes to the edge of the island. Near the eyes of phosphorus. She sits on the edge, they like to have her legs dangle, but was also scared that she might fall off into the endless ocean below. Tootoo’s hands feel groves and cracks. “This island is one of the younger islands. It shouldn’t have this many cracks at this age…” She traces the cracks, which seemed to form from the eyes, and they where opened…

I hoped you like this au im working on!!!

sorry if there’s any mistakes

[necroangelz]

💉

as angel writes hir response to this emoji shi is also rushing hir project due to making a dumb decision 5hrs ago that led to the most easily avoidable mistake ever (send help)

『 💉 』

a kin memory

for the most part my memories as sunny are similar to the game. my appearance (and mari's) are one big difference, but another huge difference is what my headspace was like.

in my childhood, i often played an alternate universe variation of dungeons and dragons (it had a different name and some changes in mechanics, etc but at its core its basically dnd) with the whole group. we really bonded over dnd. we made lots of different characters (they were cringe but in an unapologetic, carefree, tween-kids-beloved-oc kind of way, n some characters totally wernet just self inserts of ourselves but cooler) but we all had that One character we got super attached to and spent more time developing than the rest

although i can't remember who was our dm ... we took turns being the dm in different oneshots but idk who our main dm was, yk? it couuuuldve been me bc i had more fun watching my friends play and building the world around them than being part of the action itself. it would make sense that i was the dm

anyway, this had a considerable impact on my headspace. our headspace versions were like a mixed version of our dnd characters and our childhood selves. locations and characters in HS were based on things from our campaign. everything was still based on my childhood memories and nostalgia, but with the dnd campaign mixed in and high fantasy aesthetics thrown over everywhere

obviously im very interested in this part of my sunny timeline and i would love to do something to draw out more related memories, now if i just had the time and the actual motivation to get started on doing that "something" ....

[rjalker]

Here's my Flatland self insert character in a humanoid design. still making the canon-compliant version since it's not symetrical and also the power keeps flickering.

Editing the draft to say wow. Okay. This image description has now taken six hours to write because the power went out for five of them and my keyboard kept being messed up before that. Lol.

Enjoy. Assuming the power doesn't go out again before I can hit the post button.

Please tell me if the ID is missing any details, I've spent too long reading it to catch mistakes.

And yes, it picked its name itself.

[ID: An MS Paint character reference showing a Flatland style original character. The image has a white background and thin black border, with the date of "August 29th 2023" written in the lower right corner. Black text scattered around the image provides extra info for the things displayed, in an old-fashioned looking font with all caps letters and sharply curved lettering. The character's name is Hauntlight, and it uses it/its/itself pronouns.

"Literal", which is a black forked like with many small zig-zags making it crooked rather than straight, and "Humanoid", showing a stick figure with three legs, two arms, a round head, and another line straight on top of the head.

A small bullet point list in the bottom left corner reads: "Class: Criminal Job: Herbalist Age: 28 Orientation: Aroace Gender: Nunya" The character is vaguely humanoid in shape, with ink black skin with dark brown stripes on the ankles and elbows, a brown heart shape in the center of its chest, and three pairs of matching brown, stripes under the heart to form a rib cage, with the top pair of stripes overlapping with the heart on their points. Hauntlight has two arms and three legs, each bent slightly at the knee as though floating in the air. Its head is topped with a sharp point with a swooping, narrow base over its onion-shaped face, with a single large orange eye with a brown slit pupil in the center. It is first shown facing the camera, then turned to show its back, which matches the front. White cracks are visible on its hip, ankle, foot, shoulders, chest, and wrist. With its hands behind its back, Hauntlight holds a bright orange and yellow offset walking cane, which is labeled, "mobility aids required to be flourescent to aid persecution by higher classes". Two slightly smaller copies of its head show it first squinting, making it appear angry, with a question mark next to its face, labeled, "squinting because it's not allowed to wear eyeglass and it can't see". The next shows it with its eye widened again to normal, now looking off to the side. Around its eye are two circles of black and yellow, held onto its head by a bright orange diagonal strap, forming a giant monocular or single-lensed goggle. This is labeled, "Breaking the law, breaking the law".

In the top right corner, the different colors used in the drawing--black, brown, orange, and yellow--are arrayed in circles and rectangles. Two copies have been made of its three legs, with the copy for each showing the third leg recolored blue so that it is easier to see, because its skin is so dark it almost matches the black outlines. End ID.]

anyways can you believe they literally refer to disabled people as the Criminal Class™. And can you further believe there are people who read this book's blatant criticism of fascism and think the fascism is correct?!?!?!

Edit: Feel free to draw :)

[1autistictacticalrefrigerator]

A Love Like This ❤️

( I decided to make a long soapghost fic?? Dunno how this’ll go, but buckle up for the wild ride ig 🥱 )

Character backstories may be modified to fit the story!

KNOW THE CHARACTERS! (These are the main characters // characters that have set roles)

Soap 🧼 - Pizza Delivery Guy

Gaz - Pizza Delivery Guy’s Friend (also is a pizza delivery guy)

Price - CEO of the uhh pizza place yes🗿

Ghost 💀 - The boogie man under yo bed, just kidding! He’s the monster ;)

( Maybe a self insert?? Idk yet. )

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Soap was just your average pizza delivery guy, the only thing that was unique about him in his opinion was fear doesn’t exist in his world. After retiring from the military, he settled for a quiet, safe life. But he was still full of energy, after all- he isn’t that old yet. And this deadly energy is EXACTLY what put him in this situation.

Ghost was hungry, he was curious so he decided to try human food instead of eating the human itself. Hm? What was this? “Pizza Delivery”…? Sounds interesting. Maybe Ghost would take a stab at it.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

“Over here!” Gaz called as Soap pulls back into the pizza place parking lot.

“Oh hey Gaz,” Soap says as he gets off.

“We’ve got two more orders then Price said we’re done for today. You take one and I take the other.” Gaz said as he hands a pizza box to Soap, who accepts it.

“Hey, Gaz?” Soap says as Gaz turns around to get into his car.

Gaz turns around at the mention of his name. “Yeah?”

“Race you, whoever delivers their order first and gets back gets twenty bucks from loser.” Soap grins, already sliding into the driver’s seat.

He could hear Gaz cry out, “HEY! NOT FAIR!” and struggling to get into his own car as Soap takes off.

Soap loved to have these little competitions with Gaz- it makes up for the boringness of the civilian life. Normally Soap would crank up the music on the radio and jam to it as he drive to the customer’s house, but Soap couldn’t help but find the address of the customer… strange, to say the least. Soap shakes his head as he pulls up to the supposed “house” the customer was in. The twenty bucks was his.

Only when Soap finally steps outside the car with the pizza in hand, did he realize something was very off with this crumbling building.. he frowns. He could feel his skin getting goosebumps but no clue why-

One thing he knew was, in the military years, he’s developed keen senses for when there’s danger. And Soap was sure that sense is telling him he’s in danger. So Soap does what every not-sane person would do, and walks towards the poor excuse of a building.

The front door was barricaded shut, so Soap had to resort to the alley-way backdoor. Who the fuck barricades their front door shut??

As Soap rounds the corner, the symbols written all around and over the door could be seen.

“The hell is this?” Soap asks.

As he approached the door, there was no mistake; those symbols weren’t just drawn onto the wall- it was embedded into it. They even faintly glow.. but Soap could feel it’s magic power. He finds himself gripping the delivery tighter.

There was no doorbell, so Soap knocks…

..no answer.

So Soap knocks again.

..still no answer.

After a few more knocks, a shout, and some waiting- Soap had enough. He wasn’t a patient man anyway. And thats how he finds himself opening the door. At first only wanting to try it, but turns out it was unlocked.

Something strange was on the other side of the doorway however, it wasn’t your typical home entrance. In fact, everything was pitch black- Soap couldn’t see a damn thing! He squints his eyes but get nothing as well. The little bit of light filtering through the alleyway never made it inside either.. and now that Soap thought about it- the windows were all boarded up too.

This is SO fucking sketchy. Soap’s brain tells him.

But Soap in the flesh only shrugs it off, he’s been in the military. Probably have seen worse than this- though, it was still eerie. Since Soap already opened the door, he steps inside the house. Except he never steps inside the house. The floor starts sinking in on him.

“What the fu-uaaAAAHH!” Soap screams as he falls through the floor. Wait.. through? What the hell??

Soap kept falling- everywhere around him pitch black. He was falling into oblivion.

So this is how I’m gonna die. Falling forever and ever into a void that’ll swallow me alive. Soap thought dramatically.

However he didn’t. He didn’t keep falling forever and ever like he anticipated- he actually meets rock bottom a short while afterwards. Surprisingly landing on the pitch black floor didn’t hurt at all.. was this magic..?

“OOF!” Nevertheless Soap lands with a THUD.

As Soap was regaining his footing, cursing to himself, he looks up and meets the eyes of a monster. If Soap was a sane man, he would’ve opened his mouth to scream- but he wasn’t. And he knew it. The monster was fucking cool. Around 6 feet- Soap guessed. Red eyes, black flames to substitute the missing body, and a skull on it’s face.

Soap was just about to speak when the monster spoke first. “Didn’t think humans can ever be this noisy..”

Quickly Soap stands up. “Oh hello. Uh.. order number-“

“Does it matter..?” The monster asks.

“Huh..? Does what matter?” Soap asks, puzzled.

“What the order is.”

“Well yea,” Soap explains, “So we know it’s you who ordered the delivery. What- trying to strike up a conversation?” Soap adds playfully.

“No..” The monster responds flatly. “Just give me my food.”

“Nuh-uh! Not so fast. Gotta pay first!” Soap chirps, extending his hand for the money.

“…” The monster finally snaps his fingers after a moment of silence. Money pops out of thin air. Soap was intrigued. “Here..” It says, handing Soap the money.

“Thanks. No tip?” Soap asks hopefully, handing the pizza over to the tall being in front of him.

“No tip.” It says sternly.

“Fine.” Soap huffs, but realized that’s probability a little too childish sounding, and settles for a, “Nah, I mean its all good. Can I get a name at least?”

“Why..”

“Oh. No particular reason. Just felt like asking- sorry.” Soap apologizes. That probably sounded a little creepy- Soap thought- to ask for a stranger’s name like that.

The monster paused for a moment before replying briefly with “Ghost.”

No further conversations. Immediately Soap felt like he was being forcefully expelled from the realm he was currently in, and coughed back up into the alleyway. The feeling of a hole being torn in the very fabric of the green plant’s reality still lingers though.

“Rude.” Soap grumbles before patting himself down, trying to get rid of any potential wrinkles in his pants or shirt.

Maybe it was the more unhinged and dangerous side of his brain telling him he wanted to see that monster again- but that was all he could think about as he drove back.

PT 1 END.

(OMG ITS FINALLY OUT. Sorry it took a while, I’m feeling better so I decide to finish this today. And uh.. yeah. Don’t mind any grammar errors. I just want to get this out and be fucking done with it. Also this story’ll be posted in parts! So I hope you like it so far and I’ll see you in part two! ❤️)