#anyways I hope all you aros and aces and combination there of are having a good pride

[shorthair-cuffedjeans]

Since I’ve come out as aroace I’ve been dissecting different worldviews i was raised with and how they’re different from the way I want to live my life now. And obviously one of the big things I’ve been contemplating is relationships in media/pop culture.

One of my favourite movies is How to Train Your Dragon.

And tho I’m a sucker for romance, and Hiccstrid all and all that jazz, I absolutely love the relationship between Hiccup and Toothless more.

It’s one of the only movies I can think of where the platonic relationship actually overshadows the romantic relationship. I just love that one doesn’t negate the other, and the message that your platonic or other relationships doesn’t have to be lesser than the one with a romantic partner.

[aspecmemesdaily]

do you like the aro, ace, and aroace flags? If not, how would you change them? (I'm aeromantic, I wish the flag was more intresting, different colors n stuff) Hope this makes sense, thanks!

I personally LOVE the ace and aro flags. I love the colours purple and green anyway, and combining them with the black, grey and white shades makes them stand out and is so aesthetic! I love the minimalist design, the colours, and how they come together with the shades. Loved it even before I really knew I was ace or aro. (*Just because I like the flags doesn't mean you're have to like them too)

I have say I was confused when I first stumbled across the sunset aroace flag because it was so different from ALL the acespec and arospec flags, which all have fairly similar colours. But I've grown to like it.

If you don't like any of the flags, that's fine too. You don't have to use them. If you want, you can even design a new one!

[farah1247]

So this is part of a project I'm making to design all the Greek gods( as many as I can anyway) in modern times!

It's part of my world building that is basically modern fantasy

I already have few drafts for other gods but these two are the final draft!

For those who are curious about my process when designing these:

Apollo: the long blonde hair was too iconic to not use, almost every text I've come accross that talks about Apollo or even just mention him calls describes his hair, who am I to deny the Greeks after all the effort they've put into pointing his hair out?

Some statues and art have Apollo's hair tied up, so I added a bun it also helps make the curly hair look more tamed rather than messy

I gave him many sun symbols mainly because I'm combining the Roman and Greek gods into one, I just feel like they're too similar and tied up together to warnt making them seperate gods( I'm not making it a split personality thing like Percy Jackson, it's just the gods changing as the world goes on)

I have him one earring with the moon because it's meant to be a gift from Artemis( also went with a yin yan theme for the shape since they both mirror many aspects of each other, civilization vs the wild, moon vs sun, both are protectors of youth)

I wanted him to have a young feminine body, he's very regularly described as clean shaven extra, but he's also athletic so I tried to show that with my poor attempt at abs ( I'm just a hobby artist, I have limits to my abilities)

I also made his outfit more feminine because he's depicted wearing women ropes oftene

I added many gold accessories, he's just the kind of god who pays a lot of attention to how he presents himself

I added the laurels to show his love and memory of Daphne and the hyacinth tattoo to show the same for Hyacinthus ( they're arguably his most famous love stories and his greatest lovers) I added the hyacinth as a tattoo for two reasons, one, since I'm going with the : his love for Daphne is because of Eros's revenge version of the myth, he holds greater love towards Hyacinthus ( also it was reciprocated so I think he'd love him more regardless just because of that) , two, because I genuinely couldn't figure out a better way to add it into the clothes lol

Artemis: I wanted to show that they're twins/fully related subtly by making them have the same face shape and curly hair

I made her body more masculine because she's described as being more masculine

Her outfit is also more masculine because she wears her chiton at the same length as men do, so I thought this is a good way to show it

I made her wear the bear fur to showcase the spoils of her hunting, also a call back to the Callisto myth

The flower used is one of her sacred flowers, though idk if you can even tell what flower it is lol, I tried my best

I decided to add the boar as a tattoo also because I couldn't fit it into the outfit itself, also I just thought it'd look cool if she summoned her killer boar and it got out of her tattoo!

I tried to show her hair as messy, she just woke up that way and put it into a ponytail, she doesn't care enough to put anymore effort into it ( Apollo hates it because his hair would look like a bird's nest if he doesn't care for it lol)

The moon symbols again, because I merged her with Diana, the sun earring is a gift from Apollo!

Artemis is usually associated with silver and Apollo with gold, it's why I made their jewelry be that, though their bows in mythology are actually the opposite, Artemis has the golden bown and Apollo the silver one, I'm not sure why, I read somewhere it might mean that her archery skills are slightly superior to Apollo's, if anyone has any other explanation I'd love to know!

Bonus information: in my world Artemis is an aromantic lesbian, I know she's in the myths probably just aro ace but I just like doing it like this, Hestia and Athena though are still just aro ace in my world

Anyway, hope you all find the designs good : ) I've worked for weeks on them lol

Ps: I ship Apollo and Hermes lol, I absolutely plan to draw them together once I'm done

[antebunny]

So there's a subgenre of fics in the Harry Potter fandom wherein a person conceived while one of their parents is under the influence of a love potion will become aroace at birth. The origin, afaik, are two insidiously awful decisions of JKR combining: 1) she reinvented date rape drugs/roofies aka love potions, without realizing it I guess, and 2) she said that Voldemort was asexual, because she's never seen a marginalized identity she didn't spit on.

Since Merope Gaunt (Voldemort's mother) used a love potion on Tom Riddle Sr. (Voldemort's dad) I guess people got the idea that what if love potions caused asexuality? And asexuality + aromanticism, of course, meant evil. Here's an excerpt from one of those fics in which Bill Weasley explains being aro/ace to Hermione:

[Image ID]

"No. I just dated because that was what you did. I never really felt anything for them. A few kisses, plenty of hand-holding. I made out in a few broom closets, and had one very uncomfortable make-out session up the top of the Astronomy Tower that I eventually ended by pretending I heard Filch coming past on a patrol. I even tried making out with a guy once in case that was it–nothing. I never told mum about that, of course. Good wizards don't shame their families like that."

"There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know."

He shrugged. "It doesn't apply to me anyway. I'm not gay. I wasn't anything, and I was trying to accept that and be content with it. It was good enough. Until I met Fleur." His eyes lit up with joy as he spoke about her.

[Second Image ID]

"Look, the point is with her allure from being part-Veela, I love her. Like I can never love anyone else. I don't want to lose that. You don't understand what it's like to go through life feeling nothing for anyone else. I've dated people I said I cared for, but I wouldn't have died for them. Well, out of logical choice I might risk my life, but not from love. But I would die for Fleur. Do you understand? She makes me a better person. I would do anything to make her happy. I'm not alone in the world anymore."

She nodded slowly. "I see." It wasn't so much him manipulating Fleur, as him permitting her to manipulate him. Into feeling. "I didn't realise it could be that bad." She still thought he should confess, but it didn't sound like he was hurting Fleur–he really did love her.

[End Image ID]

I read this fic years ago, and at the time I genuinely had not thought about my sexuality at all. I would've never called myself aro or ace. Still, reading this felt like being repeatedly punched in the face. I kept on waiting for Hermione to say something similar to what she said after Bill made a homophobic comment. After all, she went out of her way the first time, didn't she. Instead, what I got was essentially:

Bill: I don't usually feel romantic or sexual attraction. So there's something wrong with me.

Hermione: Yeah lmao. But there's nothing wrong with being gay!

I've been (reading) on Ao3 since 2016, and in all that time I've seen plenty of subtle racism, sexism, etc. But I've never seen anything as plainly stated as this. To this day I have yet to hear any aro/ace people describe the experience of being aro/ace in any of the following ways: "How could I forgive myself if we brought a child into the world to suffer the emptiness I lived with my whole existence[?]" /"You should be unable to love." / "You don't understand what it's like to go through life feeling nothing for anyone else."

I could not understand why Bill described it as "emptiness" or "feeling nothing." I still cannot find a single aro/ace person who would describe themselves as empty. The most I have ever heard is: "I wish I was normal" (meaning I wish I fit in, I wish to be accepted by other people). Historically, many aro/ace people married and had kids, conforming to societal norms, and I am sure many believed there was something wrong with them or hoped to grow out of it. I was one of them. On a very personal note, I suspect that my father is too. I am certain that he's never heard the terms asexual or aromantic in his life. But if you think I'll ever discuss his sexuality with him, you're out of your damn mind.

Now, I know it's really easy to find this fic from these quotes. I chose to include them anyways because I think it's important to show how blatant it was. My Tumblr blog isn't exactly a platform, but for the five people reading this: please, please do not go after the author. I truly believe that they had no ill-intent. In the comments of this fic, a few people bring up variations of "it sounds like Bill is just aro/ace" and the author is consistently understanding. Here are some of the author's comment on that fic:

[Image ID]

I very much understand what you're saying. It's a tricky thing for me to address, however. For the core idea I'm playing with is basically the evilness of "love potions". And part of that is exploring JKR's idea that Voldemort, being unable to love due to his mother using a love potion on his father, was a *monster* because of that. Perhaps that doesn't come across very clearly (there's a little bit more of it in the prequel), that it's one of the assumptions I'm trying to undermine. ("Love potions are funny/romantic", "Voldemort is a monster because he could not love", "Harry's power was that he could love - he's not a monster like Voldemort", "There's nothing wrong with selling love potions to teens/adults because it's not 'real' love".)

I feel like I'm already poking at the inherent problem of framing "people who cannot love" as "monsters/psychopaths" by showing Bill and Harry's struggles with self acceptance, and Bill finding a way to love (though do note he'd been making peace with the idea he wasn't attracted to anyone, prior to meeting Fleur). I really don't like the canonical take on love-redeems/love-is-the-best-power/the-loveless-are-monsters, so I'm messing with it a bit. Exploring other people than Voldemort, ones we admire, who are also dealing with being unable to love. Does that make sense? Now, that doesn't mean I'm doing a perfect job at it, but I'm trying my best to explore that theme around the edges of my Dramione story.

[End Image ID]

The author's intention was to show how other characters, made aro/ace via love potion like Voldemort, were not evil or sociopaths. I don't know why all the characters were so aro/acephobic, but sometimes fics get away from you and you don't address everything you wanted to. I don't know why the aro/ace characters had so much internalized shame and hatred when the term bachelor has been in use for centuries, but we fanfic authors love writing self-esteem issues and I would be a hypocrite to say otherwise. I don't know why the author never tagged acephobia or internalized acephobia, but no one HAS to tag anything.

I don't know if the author ended up writing that fic where Harry comes to accept his aro/asexuality. It's totally understable if they didn't; I have failed to write many fics that I really did want to write. Sometimes it's just like that. I really, truly believe that the author had the best of intentions and is not aro/acephobic, just severely misled on what that experience is like.

My beef is not with this author. I used their words to highlight a reoccurring and popular sentiment that I hate. My real beef is that this fic is popular. This is an entire subgenre of Harry Potter fics. I actually decided to write this post because some random person on the internet said, a few days ago, something along the lines of: "Remember when JKR invented a date rape drug that turned people into sociopaths? Yeah…" (And also because I was up until 3 am last night writing a dumb trash angst one-shot about it).

I'd wager that the vast, vast majority of people who write or read those fics don't feel the same way. But the condescension is baked into the very premise of that trope. "Oh poor you, it must be so hard, so lonely going through life without ever loving another person. You must feel so empty inside."

It's actually people who say similar things that make me feel isolated. Most of the time I feel free, like I've cracked this secret code, like I'm able to see things clearly that people so hung up over sex and romance can't. Other times I feel so left out I wish I was "normal." Mostly, being aro/ace is lonely, annoying, exhausting, and liberating.

It wasn't until last year that a friend told me that some people actually do have trouble speaking to someone they've never met before, just because they find that someone attractive. I thought that only happened in stories. But I don't want to get nervous meeting new people based on their looks, I don't want to treat people differently based on how much I want to have sex with them. I wish my friends in high school had never pressured me to come out as bisexual. I wish all the other similarly liberal, queer communities I've found since didn't insist on associating sex and dating with emotional comfort. I wish I could magically stop my parents from expecting me to ever get married and have kids.

But I can't.

Anyways, that's it for today. I'm not sure what the point of writing this was. I really don't want anyone to get hurt or attacked because of it. This is not a callout, or a hate brigade, or any sort of call-to-action. I don't want people to get up-in-arms about this. I'm just tired. I suppose I just wanted to put my feelings out there, and well, this is my Tumblr.

[grass-and-paper-cups]

i've pretty much always been in fairly queer spaces or at least queer friendly spaces online and in real life, like obviously ive been around shitty or ignorant people and places but it's always felt a bit like a background thing to me ig. but anyway i just remembered a time from years ago now when somewhere online idk know where, some girl made a post that was like, 'i love my boyfriend, i don't have any problem with him at all, he's cute and amazing, i just cant imagine ever having sex with him, does anyone have any idea why' or something like that and from the way she put it (it was longer and worded differently and eveything) it seemed really likely to me that she was ace. it had a bunch of replies already and i clicked into it cause yeah. and my aroace heart just broke a little bit. there were just seemingly infinite replies saying that she was weird or broken, asking if she was a virgin, telling her to break up with her boyfriend because she didnt actually love him, all sorts of shit like that and i think in all my time scrolling (there were a fuck ton of replies) i found like one comment that said something about asexuality. the world is shit sometimes man. i really fucking hope she figured shit out, i hope she's doing ok aces and aros out there, you are so fucking valid, you are not 'weird' or 'broken' and screw anyone out there who's told you otherwise, im sorry the world is so dumb sometimes, but you are not, not dumb, or stupid, or immature or any of that shit, i promise. whether in a relationship or not, whether youve never been in a relationship or if youve been in a thousand, whether just ace, or just aro, or some combination of the two you are so so valid.

[watery-melon-baller]

And one more for the Aro ask game, whichever question you want to answer the most!! (Idk if this is cheating or not, but i wanted to ask anyways :) )

hmmm i dont really care if this is cheating im doing it anyways im gonna half answer this one incorrectlgy because its funny

9. What is your favourite aro-spec identity flag?

I do not know the different aro-spec flags besides the aro and ace ones, cause im just aro(ace) but the aro flag bugs me because the ace flag has four colors (black grey white purple) but then the aro flag has FIVE and TWO seperate shades of GREEN. googling it and realized that the green is on the top while the purple is on the bottom. why. apparently the dark green is aromanticism and the light green is the aro spectrum. fair but if we're doing that can we give the ace flag another stripe too???? im aware this is irrational

also confuses me is the aroace flag because like yes its pretty and i love it. but why is it orange and blue. pruple and green were right there guys.

ok i googled it actually and i think its because the creator wanted it to have its own meaning outside of just combining two flags together because being aroace is its own unique identity which like. you know what fair

hope you all learned something today :-)

[emily-mooon]

Alright part two!

Ok first up for part 2 is Robert. He’s funky guy who tells jokes with Becky whenever he’s with the band. He’s kinda like a manager for Wordsworth but not really as he’s a member of the student council and has knowledge on how battle of the bands works since his older brother was student council president in his last two years of high school and helped set up the two biggest years of the event. I gotta draw him more often cause I imagine all his button ups have fun patterns on them and he’s just really fun.

Next up is Paul and Brian. I’m combining them cause their stories are intertwined. They are childhood friends who had a falling out in grade 10. Brian is awkward and Paul is serious and stubborn. They are going through gay divorce but at the end make up and come to an understanding and learned from their past mistakes that made their relationship fail in the first place. Brian plays guitar and Paul plays bass. Their appearance is inspired by Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook of Joy Division/New Order respectively. They definitely watched the s2 finale of Good Omens as 50 somethings and cried cause of how similar their story was to Azriphale and Crowley (I watched my GO moots go through ineffable husbands gay divorce kiss depression. I have not seen the show myself).

Now let’s move on to Lucy. She comes across as being very sweet and forgiving but she can be passive aggressive to people she dislikes. She plays the keys and synth. She has similar struggles to Becky in that she’s a lesbian but instead she struggles with her identity as a Japanese-Canadian women (once again I’m definitely gonna get help developing her story cause I also wanna do her justice!). I didn’t mention this when talking about Becky but her and Lucy’s love story is inspired by Gillian Gilbert and Stephen Morris of New Order (and formerly joy division in Morris’s case).

And now the last oc I’ll talk about is Jenny. I don’t have a lot for her but she’s all in on the new wave fashion and in my head she’s similar to Sailor Jupiter from Sailor moon. I’m also thinking of putting her on aro and ace spectrum (but maybe more on the aro side). She’s really cool and I want her to become besties with Eugene at the end. I’m still stuck on the instrument shell play in the band but I’m leaning towards drums.

Anyways that’s the end of my oc rambling and I hope you liked these last few. I can’t wait to draw our ocs hanging out :D

i just had an entirely original idea all on my own we should draw our ocs together ! (/j but also /srs)

WE SHOULD!!!!!!!

Alright give me quick rundown of your ocs cause I only know them vaguely and the one I know decently well is Gene. I also wanna figure out the dynamics between them and who would get along really well with who. I’ll give you more details as well cause you know just as much about mine as I do yours :]

[cottagecrowe]

So I’ve seen stuff about gender euphoria going around, and I think we should all jump on this train immediately when it comes to any, and all of us understanding each other more.

You’re ace? “I don’t get my euphoria from sex. I get it from the thought of an intimate relationship with someone.”

Polyamorous? “I get my euphoria from the thought of being deeply in love with multiple partners.”

Gay? “I don’t experience euphoria at the thought of being in a relationship with the opposite gender.”

Aro? “I don’t experience euphoria at the thought of being in a romantic relationship. Instead, I feel it over X/Y/Z.”

Aro/Ace? “I don’t experience euphoria over romance, OR sex! I get my euphoria from meaningful platonic relationships, and/or these interests of mine.”

Bi/Pan? “I experience euphoria at the thought of dating either gender/all genders.”

The list goes on and on. Explaining what you do and don’t experience it over, as well as explaining, quite simply, what euphoria is, I feel, may be the best new way to verbalize and communicate what’s going on inside. Especially with combined identities that may typically be ostracized stereotypes, or just looked down on altogether.

And how can anyone control that euphoria? No one can. And everyone experiences it over something, even if it’s just a video game. We can still use it so we all know what we’re talking about~. No one should be able to look down on where euphoria comes from, or take away your human rights just because they may not like where it comes from, or how you experience it.

It is a very basic human nature to experience, that we can all draw from, and relate to. Even over something small, or that has nothing to do with inner human identity. Even if it must simply be compared to feeling happy, or even joy~. Someone, somewhere, over something, knows what that feels like~.

Plus, when it’s about experiencing euphoria, rather than about how oppressed you are or are not, and what you do or don’t experience it over, does that not take away 99% of what exclusionists have ground as to stand on? It was never about that in the first place. It may be a very important factor, but it was not the sole basis on how anyone Queer/LGBT+, came to exist as a group. It was about celebrating it together, even if it was doing so in hiding.

Maybe, just maybe, with some communication change, over time and further education, we can grow to become ever more tolerant and accepting of those we previously didn’t understand, or judged.

That’s my hope, anyway.

[ace-thinks]

Building Your Glass Closet

I made a post about coming out via the glass closet which is basically just dropping subtle hints over time until the people in your life get the message, and someone asked for tips on how to do this. 

Unfortunately, I can’t guarantee that you won’t still get the “you just haven’t met the right person” response while you’re using this method, but I still think this is worth a shot. 

At the very least, it can lay the groundwork so that if you ever come out explicitly, people will be able to think back to all of the very ace/aro things you’ve said over time and they may not be as surprised or reluctant to believe you.

Okay so without further ado, here are some ideas that you can use for inspiration as you attempt to create a beautiful glass closet for yourself:

1. Talk about yourself

Find a way to slip some variation of “I never really had any crushes in school” into conversation.

Try to phrase this in a way that it’s clear you’re saying “I did not get crushes because I don’t get crushes” instead of “I didn’t get any crushes because no one at school was my type.”

When people make quips about you dating someone, casually respond with things like:

“I hope not” “Not if I can help it” “That would be unfortunate” “Yikes that would kinda suck.”

You can say these in a way that’s light but still clear that you’re not joking.

2. Ask questions

Start sprinkling very aro/ace questions into conversation.

Casually talk about the latest pick for “Hottest Celeb of the Year” or something and throw in “What does ‘hot’ even mean anyway? I never know what people are talking about when they say that.”

“My friend was telling me about this crush they have, but like how do you even know when you have a crush on someone?”

“I saw this post online that said that guys and girls can’t be friends because one of them will always catch feelings, but like what’s the difference between being friends and being a couple anyway?”

Make it clear with each question that you’re being lighthearted but also you’re genuinely confused/trying to get an answer.

People around you might still brush these off with a “You’ll know one day” or something like that, but I bet they’ll start to notice a pattern.

General aroace confusion is also useful:

“I heard [show/movie] has like a lot of sex scenes in it. I will never understand how people are into that stuff tbh.”

At first they might think you’re talking about sex scenes, but try to make it clear that you’re actually talking about sex in general. This is also a chance to slip in that you also don’t get sexual attraction in general.

You can use a similar method for really sexual ads.

3. Show them some ace stuff

If you ever watch TV together, then perhaps you can make sure to casually watch some very ace content around them from time to time.

A particularly ace episode of BoJack Horseman or some other ace media (unfortunately there isn’t much).

If you have a way to watch YouTube on your TV or something, maybe you can find a youtube video that features ace people or someone explaining asexuality.

If they ask why you’re watching this, you can just say it seemed interesting or someone told you about it or something.

The goal is to basically expose the person to the concept of asexuality without it having to be about you in particular. 

This could be especially helpful when combined with the other steps because if you make the idea of asexuality fresh in their minds and then start saying very aro/ace stuff around them, they’re probably more likely to connect the dots.

You can also use these videos/episodes as a way to gauge their attitudes towards asexuality in general.

This is also a way to strike up general convo around asexuality.

4. Reference representation

“Apparently there’s an ace character in [show/movie/book]. That’s so cool!”

You could also openly critique some particularly bad ace representation/erasure.

Critique is gives you a chance to go a little deeper about asexuality in general and dispel myths while also potentially getting the person to engage with the nuances of the orientation etc.

And if they ask why you care so much you can either come out or come up with some excuse (good ally, it’s just interesting/important, I have ace friends, etc.)

_______

Again, these are just general ideas. You can use them exactly or treat this as an overall template that you can adapt for your own style/purposes.

I’ve used all of these in some way or another and have had good results so far, so I hope this is helpful for y’all too!

Let me know if you use any of these idea and how it works out for you, and also feel free to add your own “glass closet” strategies!

@apocalypsewriters (hope this helps!)

[somethingclever666]

i’ve seen a couple aspec people in my activity and i wanted to give you a huge hello!! 

if you had told me even a year ago that i would know so many ace / aro people i would have probably passed out from happiness. i’ve seen more representation in media this past year than the rest of my life combined. AND, most importantly - i’ve met FOUR ace and/or aro people since january in real life, and all these things have just made me so hopeful for my future.

honestly, i never thought i’d met other ace / aro people, and i thought it was silly of me to think that one day i could have a lot of friends who were. but these past few months have shown me that a lot more people fit into these labels than previously thought. just today i saw a tiktok that was basically explaining aceflux, and the comments were full of people who were suggesting the label and lots of other people who kinda had their eyes opened. since finding this community i’ve seen more and more likeness in shows and movies (i said in a post awhile back that agatha raisin had unconfirmed aro rep, and it also has unconfirmed ace rep, both of which are really solid). 

anyways, i’m still itching for everyone to know the aromantic label and recognize the ace/aro rings, as well as about a hundred other things, but i wanted to share how lovely it’s been to find all of you. how much you’ve changed my way of thinking and hoping for the future. how inspired i feel to create stories and search for more. how proud i’ve become of being asexual and aromantic because of you. thank you guys, and i hope you have the best pride month yet!! 

[aspec-writers]

Aro Characters and Dating

Hello! Because I’m talking about something somewhat controversial today, I would like to say please fully read the post before firing off an angry reply! This issue has some nuance to it, and you might get the wrong impression is you don’t read the whole thing. And if this post is too long for you to read, there is a tl;dr at the end. I don’t expect this to happen, and hope it won’t, but if your response to my post attacks a position I don’t actually hold, especially if I disagree with that position in this very post, I’m probably just going to tell you to reread it. 

However, if you have actual criticism, I’d love to hear it! I’m open to changing my mind; I just don’t want to engage with people who aren’t reading the post they’re criticizing.

And if you’re wondering what’s up with the massive hiatus: I’ve been very busy!

Anyways, today I’d like to talk about something that there doesn’t seem to be a very strong consensus on: aro characters and dating!

(Also, a post about ace characters and sex is going to come out eventually...again, busy life.)

So I’d like to give you my opinion on whether it’s okay for aro characters to date. It is: yes, with nuance. Which is something you should get used to if you decide to stick around, because ‘with nuance’ is just about everywhere in life.

Different Forms of Aro Characters and Dating

There are actually a few ways in which aro characters can interact with dating. And, of course, they all have their own nuances.

#1: Aro Characters Dating Because They Don’t Know They’re Aro

This one is actually the lived experience of many aros!

Amatonormativity has taught us several things, but only two of them are of significant importance for this particular issue: romance is the strongest form of attachment between two humans, everyone falls in love/has crushes, and that men and women cannot have a strictly platonic relationship if they aren’t blood relatives.

Aros don’t experience romance like alloros do (I know, an obvious statement), and due to the extreme ignorance of aro identities in modern society, we grow up learning that everyone experiences romantic feelings, no exceptions. 

This combination leads to many young aros assuming any platonic feelings towards a member of the opposite binary gender is a crush.

If they’re not told about aromanticism as they grow into their adolescence and adulthood, this leads to these aros acting on their ‘crushes’ and dating them, even if they aren’t actually attracted to them.

In order for this to be in play, the creator has to be aware of aromanticism and of the results amatonormativity has on us.

It’s safe to say that this creator does not intend to erase aromantics, but rather to show an experience that isn’t uncommon and provide representation to us.

(Note: this doesn’t apply to characters that are HC’d as aro and are in canonical romantic relationships, although this can be the explanation the person with the headcanon believes to be the cause for the relationship.) 

#2: Arospec Characters Dating (And Aro Doesn’t Have to Mean ‘Never Feels Romantic Attraction Ever’)

So, if you’re unaware, aro is often an umbrella term for a whole lot of people! And all of those people aren’t ‘plain’ aro. (I don’t mean to use this term offensively! I, myself, am a ‘plain’ aro.) Demiros exist. Grayros exist. Many of these people can, and do, call themselves aro! 

Not to mention, aro has the generally accepted definition of ‘experiences little to no romantic attraction’, so under this definition, even people who identify as ‘plain’ aro, can experience romantic attraction, although it is very rare.

Both of the above cases (being arospec or ‘breakthrough’ romantic attraction with a ‘plain’ aro) are perfectly valid.

Although, to be honest, alloromantic writers should probably stay away from the second case. Because it can read like erasure. (I might make a post or something about writing aros as an alloro later, but it will probably just be a google doc linked in the intro post. Because this blog was, generally, supposed to be a place for aspec writers, not explaining aros and aces to allos.) The second case is something I’d really only recommend aro/arospec writers explore, and even then, there’s a chance it could be done poorly. But saying ‘never, ever do this’ is not something I like to say, especially because I know there’s at least a few aros out there who have this as their lived experience and I in no way want to invalidate that. 

#3: Aro Characters Dating Because They're Romance-Favorable or Otherwise Enjoy Romance

If you’ve hung around the aro community at all, you’ll know that there are different ways to describe someone’s personal attitude towards romance. The five that are in common use are romance repulsed, romance averse, romance indifferent, romance favorable, and romance ambivalent. 

There are plenty of people who don’t subscribe to this framework, as well.

However, the point is that aromantic is not equivalent to hating all romance and never desiring romance at all.

Aromantic is a lack of attraction, not a complete desire to be in a relationship.

As I, personally, am romance-repulsed, I am not going to write an essay on how to properly represent aros who enjoy romance/date. That’s not my place.

However, this is certainly a possibility for why an aro character may be dating and I want you to keep this in the back of your mind as something that could happen and is also the experience of some aros!

But Wait, Isn’t It Erasure???

Aro characters and dating. Characters who don’t feel romantic attraction and romantic relationships.

Sounds pretty weird or impossible, right? Well, it’s not!

Have you ever dated someone that, in hindsight, you weren’t actually attracted to? Congratulations! You can now understand how aro characters could date.

I outlined above a few ways an aro character may date, so I’m not going to go over them here.

The point is, it’s not erasing a character’s identity if you’re representing the experience of many people of said identity!

That being said, there are some people who will pull the ‘aros can date regardless’ card out in bad faith. When it comes down to it, aros are still different from alloros. Their experiences won’t be the same as that of an alloro character.

If you see a creator responding to someone pointing out one of the characters in a ship is canonically aro with ‘but aros can date!’, it’s a red flag. It’s possible that the creator is hiding behind aros who do date as an excuse to keep their favorite ship. I’m not saying this is always the case. Just as there is bad-faith representation, there can be bad-faith critiques. But, if you see this critique echoed many times, it’s likely that the creator is not representing a romance-favorable aro or an arospec character and is simply erasing aromantics. 

The real question to ask is ‘during discussions of romance, is this character written as aro?’. If the answer is no, chances are, the creator is not representing aros. If the answer is yes, the creator is most likely providing good representation.

You can apply the same thing to your own writing. If the character reads as someone who is entirely alloro, you’re probably doing something wrong.

(Note: there is a huge difference between ‘this character’s romantic orientation is not focused on and there is no discussion of them and romance’ and ‘this character is involved with romantic plotlines and shows literally nothing to suggest that they could be aro’. The first case is simply a story that chooses to not focus on romance. I write plenty of those; it’s okay. The second is erasure. It is not erasure to not mention a character’s orientation; it is erasure to ignore, or, well, erase, a character’s orientation. A character is not ‘allo until proven otherwise’.)

Homophobia? No.

I’ve seen a few posts saying that the idea of aro characters dating is homophobic. This may seem a little...bizarre. I had the same gut reaction. However, I read the post and while I could see where the poster was coming from, they made a few serious missteps.

The main argument here is that if aro characters can date (or, in most cases, aro people, period) it is homophobic, because it suggests that someone can date a person they are not attracted to. In other words, according to the argument, gay people and lesbians should be expected to date the opposite binary gender, because you don’t have to be attracted to someone to date them.

Saying gay people and lesbians should date the opposite binary gender and not the people they’re attracted to is homophobic. This is correct.

However, just because an aro person is dating someone they are not attracted to, that does not mean gay people and lesbians must. The key point here is choice.

An aro person, or character, can choose to date someone, despite not being attracted to them. This aro is not saying that other people should do the same. They are making a choice for themselves. 

Let’s use an analogy.

Alex doesn’t feel the urge to eat cookies. However, eating cookies is not repulsive to him. He may enjoy the feeling of swallowing the cookie. As such, Alex may eat a cookie, despite the fact that he does not particularly feel the urge to eat said cookie. There are many reasons Alex may eat a cookie, but they are not relevant.

Now, Bob comes along. People try to tell him to eat sugar cookies, but he’d much rather eat chocolate chip cookies. He says that Alex eating cookies is harmful to him, because if Alex eats cookies he does not feel an urge to eat, he is essentially saying that Bob should eat sugar cookies, despite the fact that he wants to eat a chocolate chip cookie.

The problem here is that Alex is not forcing Bob to eat sugar cookies instead of chocolate chip cookies. Alex is eating cookies for his reasons, despite not feeling an urge to eat them, but he is not forcing Bob to eat sugar cookies.

Bob is free to never eat a sugar cookie and eat exclusively chocolate chip cookies. Alex eating cookies does not change that.

I’m not sure if this analogy actually helped, but maybe it did.

Bottom line, aro characters dating despite not feeling romantic attraction does not mean gay people and lesbians should date the opposite binary gender.

TL;DR

Saying ‘aro characters can’t date, no exceptions’ is a well-meant but unhelpful statement. Aro characters are allowed to date without the representation becoming erasure and/or arophobic, provided that the character doesn’t actually have romantic feelings for the other person(s) involved in the relationship, assuming the character does not have an arospec identity, in which case romantic attraction is perfectly logical and not erasure. This is because, at its core, aromanticism isn’t being repulsed by romance or being averse to dating, but simply not experiencing romantic attraction. Also, aro characters dating isn’t them trying to say that gay and lesbian characters should date the opposite binary gender.

[koppiki]

I read Our Dreams at Dusk recently.

What a wonderful manga, with such amazing portrayal of queer struggles.

Side note, I've become less averse to the word "queer" lately. Despite all its shortcomings, it's still better than the alternatives (which are either overlong, overly clinical, overly specific, or some combination of the three).

Anyways, I thought it had good portrayals! I can't really speak for the ace-aro side of things (I'm not that, after all) but it seemed nice too!

The last manga with similarly good portrayals that I read was Wandering Son, which was... Maybe too accurate. I wasn't able to read it last I tried. Perhaps I should try again. Sure that was only a few months ago (maybe a year?), but I'm in a far better place regarding my gender and sexuality now. It's been transformative for me. I hope the feelings it once so painfully brought forth have become less painful through the easing of my intensive self-repression.

Because I'm trans! Non-Binary! Pan!

It's nice to be able to say it sometimes, you know?

I'm glad I didn't stay quiet. To myself, that is. After all, you're the most important person in your own life! Others may leave, but you'll always be there. I think that's become my guiding philosophy lately.

Goodnight! I don't know if this post made any sense. It's 3 AM after all.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi! I'm ace and wondering a bit about my romantic orientation- I definitely think I experience romantic attraction, in that I have crushes and fantasize and stuff. But I got in a serious relationship once and decided that I don't enjoy the emotional burden so I broke it off. Also I felt that I didn't really like making out? I'm not sure if that's because my ex-bf was too clingy for me or whether I might be arospec?? Anyway, hope you have a great day!!

Yeah, it’s possible you could be on the aromantic spectrum. If you’re pretty sure your crushes are definitely romantic, then you may be interested in exploring some aro-spec identities. A couple that stand out to me could be:

 lithromantic/akoiromantic: someone who experiences romantic attraction but doesn’t want or need to have that reciprocated/act on it) 

aegoromantic/autochorisromantic: someone who experiences a disconnect from their romanticism, or someone who has things they find romantic and gets romantic feelings from but doesn’t want to be a participant themselves. 

Some people also identify as aromantic just on the basis of not being interested in romance, being too romance repulsed to have romantic relationships (and sometimes that repulsion manifests as boredom, irritability or anxiety, or a combination thereof), or not liking actually participating in romance. In cases like this it can depend if you feel like you’re alienated from alloromanticism, or like your not meeting the full criteria of being alloromantic, or if you relate a lot to the aro community.

It is possible that one relationship just wasn’t right for you either, and sometimes it can be hard to tell. If you want to experiment more you’re allowed to, but it’s also fine to not really want to either. 

But yeah basically I’d encourage you to ask if aromantic would be a useful label for you, does it feel right for you, etc. And personally I’ve found one of the most helpful things in figuring out if you could be aro or not is reading up on the experiences of other aros. And it doesn’t really matter where you find it, but if you’re not sure where to look, Arocalypse is a great resource, and it’s just a big aro themed forum. Carnival of Aros can be good too, and it’s just once a month a theme is chosen and aros are invited to write a post on that theme.

All the best, and good luck!

[my-strange-attraction]

Good natured quistions

(1.)How do I tell if I feel platonicly or Alterously to someone? (2.) Can i have alterous crushes? (3.) Can I have alterous attraction if I also expeince Romantic and/or sexual attraction? (4.) How do you balance a alterous releationship and a romantic relationship at the same time when you're polyamorous

I’m going to assume you’re the person who sent me messages as well, but I’m replying here so that my whole audience can see it cause I probably should clear this up sooner or later. So, basically, back when I was figuring out that I was probably aro as well as ace I felt really bad about the idea that I would never have a significant other so as soon as I heard about alterous attraction/ qprs I kind of latched onto that in order to make myself feel more comfortable with identifying as aro. 

During that time, I did post a bit about qprs and types of attraction and stuff like that because I was looking into it which is probably what you saw that prompted you to send this. Ultimately, though, I don’t think alterous attraction is actually something I feel, but instead I usually just feel platonic attraction more strongly than the average person which lead me to think it might be alterous. Anyways all this to say I’m not really the best person to come to for advice about this because I don’t think I actually do feel that type of attraction. I will still answer the questions though because I think some of them are basic enough that I can answer with my theoretical knowledge of alterous attraction, but yeah I’d definitely recommend you ask some other people too.

1. I think telling the difference between types of attraction is always really difficult and confusing but ultimately it usually comes down to intention. If you feel like you want to kiss someone on the lips platonically, it can totally be a platonic gesture. if you feel like you want to call your relationship with someone alterous, although nothing will physically change from your platonic relationship with them, you can call it alterous. It is confusing though, and that really seems to be the name of the game especially with alterous attraction. Anyways I’ll stop rambling the point is it’s confusing, but if you feel like it’s alterous then it is (sorry that’s not super helpful ik but it’s what I’ve heard).

2. Yes? I think you can have crushes for any type of attraction as far as I know. Alterous attraction is very vague, but I’m pretty sure it counts as a type of attraction you can have crushes from so,, yeah.

3. Also yes I’m pretty sure. In theory, all the types of attraction that exist can exist in different capacities in all different types of people regardless of whether the person recognizes them as separate types of attraction or not. So yes I’d say you can experience any combination of the types of attraction.

4. I have no idea. I’ve never been in a relationship. Ultimately obviously the holy grail of relationship advice is communication, but I can’t offer much more than that in the way of advice. Probably definitely go to someone else for that.

Thanks for the ask anon! I hope this was at least a little helpful!

[startwithbrooklyn]

THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 28-29, 2019 // the bonny scot

posting this a day later than normal because this is one of the rare episodes that shows a passage of time from one day to the next yayy love that for them

-wonder what filming these beginning sexy scenes is like for them in real life

-sooooo can lucy see nancys sexy dream? is she judging? does this mean she likes nancy with owen or nick more? or is she trying to tell nancy that her sex dreams are irrelevant to the mystery at hand and she needs to focus?

-seeing people in the ✨prison chair✨: gomber, carson, karen (voting for josh s3 just saying)

-completely ignores carson's question about herself typical nance

-"or maybe i did stumble across a knife" its like hes trying to make the case against him look plausible while attempting to maintain innocence. this is a slippery slope for carson to try and encourage her to keep her pacified + hide the truth while also trying to keep her from getting involved bc hudsons

-"genetics gets you in the door" aaaaand then she walks in to everetts office to meet him and crashes their family dinner

-ok who tf is dawn and why is she in charge here

-this guidance counselor of nicks is my favorite person

-"i admire your allergy to pleasantries" bess and nancy both have reveals to big families but nancy does not have the graceful, accepting reveal to her rich family like bess does at this lunch. nancys reveal is messy, cold, bloodstained and sticky-fingered, not nice in any way whatsoever. and this little chat with everett (bit of a parallel to lucy's) just highlights how nancy is always bad at bargaining with her grandparents*- always trying to fight on their level but giving up her equal hand bc she doesnt know how to hide it when they bring up something she doesnt know. like confronting celia at the masque: she was so confident with her theory and what she knew, but then we got a "what does that mean?" like. the instant you say that, you lose. and she walked right into the "yes i do have someone, hes in jail" 🤦🏼‍♀️ even in the car with ryan at the end of s1, he literally just fucking leaves her there. like 🤷🏼‍♀️ what did u think was gonna happen sis?? for all she can predict how past things lead to present circumstances shes fucking awful at seeing the direct future *(grandparents except for patrice bc her dementia makes her inaccessable)

-lmaooooo this awko ass portrait...i get the empty space is for nance but who on earth thought this was a good pic??

-LISBETH 🥺💙

-"will u help the claw for me?" george struggles financially to keep her livelihood while nancy is somehow shown as being taken care of even when her parent is incarcerated; both nancy and george live in single parent homes now with mention of both medical debt and george being breadwinner yet nancy has no struggles while george does. (i wonder if ryan had been able to help george here how the story would have changed)

-"when it comes to following people around without their knowledge or consent i am somewhat of a repeat offender" 😂😂😂

-"he wasnt endgame after all" BESS lmaoooo

-"...okay." lmaoooo i fuckin love owen

-i was hoping the girls' faces would be more shocked like with a glance to owen but they just....werent

-"we're the good guys" <---- this statement is soooo interesting in terms of how they structure the show and how the characters see themselves (its an interesting contrast with the more definitive good vs evil with things that are both clearly good and clearly evil but theres also a lot of moral grey area here, the show is kinda swamped in it. are nancy and crew the good guys? are they the bad guys in someone else's story? concerns.)

-"i'd call it more than just stuff" like why did u concede that??? and then the shit about oof that didnt sound like a compliment lmaoooooo why does she suck at arguing?? she and owen wouldnt work long term bc theyre so similar (as mentioned later on)

-i LOVE george slowly falling in love with nick here- hence how upset she gets when nick bails on her for nancy later (which is totally justified!!!)

-i am LIVING for the little nod this driver guy gives bess when she turns back around all nervous 😂

-"i do like buying things" i would so say that too tbh

-"you'd have plenty to talk about" LMFAOOOOOOO SHE KNOWS "marvins dont marry drivers" so diana is totally fine with the gay its just the poor she has a problem with 😂💙fuckin love that

-love how nancy just casually ruins everything for nick/george lmaooo

-"i have seen you at your best, nancy, and there is nothing like it." 🥴😳 i love this still-in-love look nancy gives him thats so strong he had to change the subject

-so is haunting time 11 pm? from that clock of bashiir's?

-how do NO neighbors notice this fucking water and shit

-these are TOTALLY AWFUL fake screams from the bonny scot crew 😭

-"i know well enough not to get involved when he's in play" both carson and ryan avoid engaging with everett even though nancy is willing to do so armed with less info and more balls/ but "could i trust him" and ryan says yes lmaooooo NO honey + that makes ryan 0/2 for helping the girls when they ask this ep

-"find a project of your own" and he does, with his youth center 🙏🏻💙 what s2 foreshadowing!

-"god i wish i still drank" 😂😂😂

-"she is darling." 💙👌🏻

-okay wtf is mirror bay??

-i really wonder about the extent of celia x sebastians relationship here. did she truly care about him or was it just secret and exciting sex? also would love more hints of diana vs celia moments like these. celia doesnt even look upset. i mean shes had time to deal but like wtf. and who exactly is sebastian to diana? not her husband? like damn what if he was. somehow i doubt she'd talk about him diddling celia if diana was disrespected also

-i wonder if celia being so invested in dna testing nancy was bc everrett dna tested ryan to make sure he was his bc of sebastian / other men (which would be totally valid on his part!! but wouldnt it be funny as fuck if ryan wasnt his 😂)

-what a neat hiding place in this frame lmaooo who put that in for them tho? like how do u go about ordering that

-"you certainly are your fathers daughter" this quote is doubly ironic and foreshadowy bc theyre referencing carson here as being a useful hudson attaché but nancy is playing everett just like ryan played celia about putting his house up (but TRIPLY ironic bc carson pulls off the long con of hiding nancy from the hudsons right under their noses this whole time!) the one time nancy is successful against them

-that bess/lisbeth look while lisbeth does something badass (+diana reassessing now that lisbeth has been revealed to be useful)

-"almost as fun as a real fight" why do i believe him? lmaoooo a bit weird that he would enjoy a fight w a partner, but i also think this is an acknowledgement of nancy being an "opponent" who exists at his level. but i also love the "let me take you out" as a direct mirror of her relationship with nick, where she avoids the public acknowledgment/"going out" but prefers the more subtle/hidden arrangements of staying in. but as shown with later eps, owen is way more capable of meeting nancy where shes at, which is so important to her + the only way of getting close to nancy. (the only foil is ace who somehow is able to do both)

-"not always about a guy" <---- this could have been such a powerful statement if the show had thought having nancy end up alone/choose herself instead of pitting her between love interests (nick, owen, gil, even potentially ace, in only 2 seasons) was a more worthy stance to take ; as an aro/ace person i cant tell you how much i would kill to see just one female protag choose herself over a man. and its more realistic to end up alone than have a happy ending anyway, for all that these shows try to be as "real" and gritty grimdark as possible

-"is that what you want?" this is an interesting question to his mother- like maybe he senses her unhappiness? combined with his issues with his father- still trying to look out for his mom? either way it's sweet. (it could also potentially work as foreshadowing of something happening to her, but i think that was played with but then diverted when it was revealed who really killed her) "i think its time i steer this ship" still kind of patriarchal tho. i get that its him coming into his own as a dad technically but still. i also like how he calls her "mother" and not mom

-love that old white people thumbs up at george asking about his clams 👍🏻

-okay fuck dawn tho lmfaoooo

-"stressful dinner huh?" 😂 i fucking love lisbeth so much why didnt they bring her back (wouldnt it be Fucking Hilarious if they brought lisbeth back to bounce bess on her expired visa since the marvins kicked her out and didnt fix it lmaoooooo)

-BESS IS A TOP lmaooooooo i fuckin knew it

-nick says "you can pay me back" wonder if thats gonna come back in s3 considering their "marital problems" (also, those bonds are sosus lmfaoooo if any single person cashing those was looked at sideways they'd confess in 2 seconds that some random guy is handing out bearer bonds they dont even make anymore with absolutely zero proof as to how he got them)

-"you wanna finish what you started?" 👀 (dont mind if i do)

-"i need my dad back" parallels s2 when she asks him to come home

-parent politics: "you are taking your life in your hands / no, i'm putting it in yours" vs "i know well enough not to get involved when hes in play" both carson and ryan try to dissuade nancy from pursuing her pulling this con on everett but go about it different ways: carson is wildly concerned with nancys physical wellbeing but ryan appears to be leaning more towards weighing the odds for her/ like a "you cant win so cut your losses/dont try" scenario which interestingly might have more weight with nancy; its easy for her to brush aside carson's worrying like second nature but nancy has been established to be a determined winner, and ryan speaks to her here like shes a beginners luck prodigy at a blackjack table by encouraging her to keep her record clean by not dealing in this next round. of course she herself admits shes incapable of not dealing in ie "you know me better than that" but i have lots more thoughts on how effective ryans approaches to nancy can be sometimes (saving for the reveal ep 🙏🏻)

-wonder what all carson knows about the hudsons? + that look on his face when he hangs up... wonder if he was just lying to her about knowing anything or just ashamed at having to admit bad things hes done for them

-love nick & bashiir waiting together 🙏🏻💙+ nicks very strong and pointed "good night" as a means of ending his convo w nancy on his terms (gotta reinforce those boundaries man!)

and lastly

-celia + that gossip girl moment when she just throws the whole phone away 😂(wonder if she was just talking to "gus" or whoever that guy was. keep forgetting the bobbseys' dad is in prison too, wonder if he'll feature in s3)

[aromantic-spinda]

I am quoisexual so the concept of sexual attraction confuses me to all hell when I try to apply it to myself, but sometimes you've gotta say "to hell with it," and have fun creating a term for what might be attraction?? Might not be?? Listen it's a mess.

So anyway, without further ado:

Quilccion/quilccion attraction!

Edit: I have an updated post about this term here.

This a term for quoisexuals and quoiromantics, for feelings that might be romantic/sexual attraction, but that can't be determined as attraction. It's a term for the blurred or confusing attraction-like feelings you have, that might not be attraction at all, let alone romantic or sexual attraction.

Essentially, it's: "I have a strange feeling that might be romantic/sexual attraction, but since I'm quoi I can't tell what these feelings are nor be completely sure what label they'd fit."

Some examples of when someone might call their unsure feelings quilccion attraction are:

+ a quoisexual is sex positive and finds their sexual fantasies revolve mostly around one gender

+ a quoiromantic is romance positive and finds their romantic fantasies don't have any specific gender they tend to focus on

+ a quoisexual feels like their libido might be connected with attraction

+ a quoiromantic wants to cuddle or kiss someone, but isn't sure whether their want is connected with attraction

+ a quoi person is experiencing attraction, but is unable to tell what form of attraction it is

You can leave quilccion as a term on its own, or combine it with other terms to be more specific in your feelings! So you could be homoquilccion, panquilccion, abroquilccion, etc!

"Quilccion" is pronounced like the word quill, but with "sea on" added right onto the end. Quill-sea-on. Or if it's broken down even further, kw-ill-see-ohn.

The word quilccion comes from the etymology of "attraction" and "what," similar to how the quoi- in quoisexual and quoiromantic is "what" in French. Like how "quoisexual" is literally "what sexual," quilccion is "what attraction." Which is fitting for attraction that 1. Isn't clear on what it is, and 2. Might not even be attraction and instead just be something else that seems like attraction.

The flag is based off the queerplatonic flag, as they're both terms used to mean attraction that sort of goes with one thing, but is also different in its own way. (How queerplatonic could almost be called platonic; how quilccion attraction could almost be called romantic/sexual attraction.)

The flag colors are all taken from the quoisexual and quoiromantic flags, and mean:

- Green: attraction like feelings that might be romantic attraction

- Blue: attraction like feelings that might be sexual attraction

- White, gray, and black: the aspec, as well as the spectrum of experience of what quilccion attraction could be/feels like

If you're not quoi, you can still use this term, just like how you can use the queerplatonic term even if you're not aro or ace. But it's a term meant primarily for those confusing feelings that quoi people might have!

I hope this helps other quoi people! I know it helps me!