#anyways I actually drew him a couple weeks before this is going up but I had to save him to go up on halloween because of his collar!

[kirisclangen]

Burrowbranch

he/him, 55 moons, non-binary

[vivalas-vega]

unexpected / bradley 'rooster' bradshaw x reader

howdy y'all - we've got another rooster fic. i feel i've neglected this man too much on my blog and wanna start writing for him more so here we are with a fleet week fic inspired by my own journey onto a navy ship yesterday!!! (the similarities between my fic and the real deal start and end with waiting in line. my guide was cute but let's just say he was no bradley bradshaw). it was very cool and educational and if your city does fleet week i highly recommend checking it out! this fic will have maybe three parts total. anyways hope you enjoy :)

unexpected / bradley 'rooster' bradshaw x reader

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word count: 3.2k

warnings: slight language, naval inaccuracies!! (even tho I just did my own fleet week tour I still don't know shit, I'm just a girl)

The ocean breeze filtered through your hair as you stood off to the side, eyes fixated on the impressive carriers in front of you. The sun felt hot on your skin and excitement was buzzing through your veins as you listened to your best friend in your ear… well, half-listened.

“We’re brunching! Come on, meet us at Malibu Farm,” Maggie said and you sighed.

“I told you it’s Fleet Week, I’m already down here,” you replied and you could feel her eyes roll on the other side of the phone.

“I would be supportive if you were trying to bag one of those Navy hotties but come on… bottomless mimosas and all the dirt on Stephanie’s breakup are better than some boats,” she said.

“I will see you for drinks tonight,” was all you replied before hanging up. You’d tried (very unsuccessfully) to convince some of your friends to come with you, telling them about how cool these carriers were and how you only got the chance to see them up close and personal once a year but they had zero interest… you were the only one in your circle who found this sort of thing interesting, and you would have been bummed except for the fact that you were more than okay doing things by yourself.

It wasn’t uncommon for you to go to a concert or a museum solo, you actually enjoyed it… you loved hanging out with your friends but it was nice to not be tied to what the majority of the group wanted to do (or didn’t want to do), and as you waited in line you were actually a little glad none of them had taken you up on your offer. If Maggie were here she’d be ogling the cute officer who appeared to be getting ready to take your group on board, and she’d spend the whole tour trying to flirt with him instead of listening to what he had to say. 

You were content to wait in line as long as it took, taking in the beautiful ships to your left before switching to people watching, you knew this week drew all kinds of visitors and you found it entertaining to see such an eclectic mix of people all in one space… there were the obvious ex-Navy types, returning to their roots and reliving the glory days, there were couples who looked a little out of their element but excited for something new to do as a date, and families with kids… you even spotted an entire elementary class on a field trip. Spare your friend group, most people were more than interested in the opportunity to spend a day aboard multi-million dollar vessels and you were one of them.

Across the way Lieutenant Bradley Bradshaw was chatting with his teammates about how much they wanted today to be over… it wasn’t that he hated Fleet Week, because he did enjoy it for about the first hour, but after that it became tiresome to give the same spiel over and over and over. They’d all tried to get out of it, Natasha had even gone so far as trying to manifest a deployment, but according to the higher ups there was no excuse for the Navy’s best and brightest to not make an appearance at an event happening so close to their home base. 

But then he saw you and he couldn’t help but smile as he watched you seem so enamored by everything around you… you didn’t hold an ounce of annoyance over the fact you’d been standing in that same spot going on half an hour now, something he’d seen from other visitors a dozen times already, and when a gust of wind kicked up your hair and sent it fluttering around your face you gave a half hearted attempt to tame it, but really you were just enjoying the breeze and the sun on your skin and he knew he had to know your name. He watched Jake getting ready to take your group aboard and he had to know if you’d abandon the formal tour in favor of letting him take you up instead.

You were eavesdropping on a conversation between a sailor and a kid just ahead of you, a soft smile on your lips as you listened to just how excited both parties were to be talking about the ship in front of you and you were so focused on them that you didn’t notice a person approaching you, not until his shadow cast across your face and when you turned you saw a man who nearly knocked the wind out of you… he was tall and solid, arms straining against the short sleeves of his khaki uniform and you thought that no one should look good in that color yet here he was proving you wrong. His golden brown waves glistened in the direct sunlight and he had a slight smirk beneath a mustache that you really wanted to hate, but you really didn’t… he was handsome, potentially one of the most handsome men you’d ever seen, and here he was standing directly in front of you and you looked up at him expectantly, waiting for him to say something.

“Lieutenant Bradley Bradshaw, ma’am,” he introduced, extending his hand for you to shake which you did as you gave him your name and a smile. “What brings you out today?”

“A bizarre fascination with ships the size of planets,” you replied and he laughed. It was warm and a little rough around the edges, much like you’d appraised him to be in your short interaction, and you wanted to hear it again.

“Well, my day wrapped up not too long ago and I couldn’t help but notice you waiting for a tour…” he started, leaning in slightly with a mischievous look on his face as if he was about to tell you a secret, “and between you and me, your tour guide is a dud.” he finished and you looked towards the man, tall, blonde and oozing charisma and you had a feeling Bradley was lying to you as you watched him charm the entirety of your group with one sentence… but you weren’t feeling too keen on calling him out on his fib.

“Oh no, is that so?” you replied, disappointment lacing your tone.

“Mmhm,” he hummed. “I think you oughta let me take you up, make sure you get the tour you deserve,” he propositioned and you nodded, a smirk tugging at your lips.

“I think that might be for the best… for the sake of a thorough Navy education and all,” you said and he nodded, gesturing towards the ramp and he held out his hand for you to take as you pulled yourself onto the steep landing. His hand was warm in yours and all-encompassing as he held it and made sure you made it safely before letting it fall back to your side and you were almost a little disappointed when he did.

He led you into the cargo hold, a massive room filled with so many things your eyes had a hard time adjusting at first. You trailed alongside him as he explained everything to you, sparing no detail as he went and you were particularly fascinated by the boat that was rigged to be deployed at a moments notice, positioned right in front of a hatch door, and he told you it was primarily there for search and rescue missions as he rattled off information about how long it takes to get it down into the water and pointed out the crane used to move it around as needed.

You listened with rapt attention as you continued through, you added a quip or a question here and there but mostly you were hanging onto his every word as he pointed out things like their freezer and the gym, and you realized you might have been content to listen to this man read you his grocery list and you had to make a conscious effort to focus on the words themselves and not just the voice that was speaking them. As you made your way up a steep and narrow stairwell, so much so you might have described it closer to a ladder than stairs, he stayed right behind you where he could catch you if you fell and you tried to ignore the fact that his diligence almost made you want to fall.

“There’s a lot up here,” he said as he led you down a hallway lined with doors, “but it’s mostly just bunks and offices. We’re not technically supposed to show you this, but… I won’t tell if you won’t,” he added as he pushed one of the doors open and you pretended to lock your lips and throw away the key as you peeked inside, taking in the modest living quarters with multiple twin beds.

“So, this is where you sleep when you’re deployed?” you asked and he nodded, brow furrowing when you looked at him, clearly skeptical about something as your eyes trailed him top to bottom before returning to the beds in front of you, “how do you even fit?” you followed up and immediately you flushed, not meaning to ask that at all but it was the first thing that popped into your head and it flew out of your mouth before you could stop it.

“Not comfortably, sweetheart,” he replied with a laugh and you smiled softly at the term of endearment as he shut the door and nodded for you to follow. He talked about the photos lining the walls, telling you who was who or what was what in the ones he recognized before you went up another stairwell and before you could walk through the door frame in front of you he placed his hands on your shoulders, stopping you in your tracks.

You turned your head to look at him, an unasked question on your face, and he gave you that addictive smirk of his, “now this is the really fun part that very few people get to see,” he prefaced and you felt anticipation brimming as he kept his hands on you and guided you forward.

“Just breaking all the rules today aren’t you, Lieutenant Bradshaw?” you replied and he wanted to tell you that you could just call him Bradley but one look at the mischief in your eyes told him you knew that… you just liked calling him Lieutenant and he liked hearing it too much to stop you. When you turned your attention forward you were faced with two beautiful jets right in front of you and you faltered for a moment, stunned by the sheer impressiveness of the aircrafts.

“Holy shit,” you muttered, careful of your step as you approached one of them and Bradley tried to commit that look of awe on your features to memory, his heart stuttering at the sight. You instinctively reached a hand out before snapping it back, realizing you probably shouldn’t be touching things with price tags you couldn’t comprehend.

He chuckled, “go ahead, it’s mine so do your worst.” 

He thought you might get whiplash with how quickly you turned to face him, “yours? How have we made it through this whole tour without you mentioning you’re a pilot?”

“Thought I’d keep you on your toes,” he replied as you returned your focus to his jet, hand trailing along the smooth metal as you walked around it.

“I never thought I’d get to see an F/A-18 in person… at least not one that’s active,” you sighed, and now he was certain his heart had stopped in his chest. “Tops out at what, twelve hundred?” you asked and he blinked in surprise, only able to nod in response because he didn’t quite trust his words right now. He knew he liked you as soon as he saw you, so much so he was taking you on his tenth tour of the day when all he’d wanted to do previously was go to the bar, but now he was worried he was in a little over his head as you appreciated his jet, having identified it immediately without any help from him. “God, this is incredible, Bradley,” you said, maybe a little breathless from how excited you were and before you knew it he was disappearing, leaving you standing at the nose with a confused expression.

You laughed when he returned, rolling a ladder to the side of his jet and beckoning you over. He hadn’t anticipated you to know anything about planes, or really have any interest beyond the first minute of being in front of it, but now that he knew otherwise he wanted to show you everything. He held onto your hand as you took each step, trailing right behind you just as he had in the stairwells and when you got to the landing he started pulling the canopy back and you let out another soft gasp.

“Can you get in trouble for this?” you asked, turning to look at him. You knew private tours with high ranking pilots were not standard for Fleet Week, and you also knew this wasn’t an area most people would be allowed in, and you worried for a brief moment what would happen to him if anyone caught you.

He shook his head, “you’re accompanied by a Lieutenant, we’re fine,” he answered, smiling as you leaned over slightly to look inside his cockpit and his heart was thudding in his chest at the sheer wonder in your eyes. He started pointing out all of the controls, telling you what they did and why, and he answered your every question just as he had with the rest of the ship. “Sweetheart, I’ve gotta be honest… I’ve never met anyone who gave a damn about these jets that didn't work in or around them already.” 

You pulled your attention back to him with an incredulous look, “how could they not?” you asked, and you wanted to keep your gaze on those pretty brown eyes that were locked on you, but the novelty hadn’t quite worn off yet and you looked back inside the jet. “I mean… this is next level engineering wrapped up in a pretty package, what’s better than that?” He thought you were beautiful when he saw you standing on your own with your hair blowing in the breeze and the sun kissing your skin, he thought you were beautiful when you laughed at his dumb jokes in the cargo hold, but right now he was certain he’d never seen anything more beautiful than you slightly bent over and leaning into his cockpit as you truly appreciated the one thing he loved most in this world.

“Please let me take you on a date,” he blurted out, unable to stop himself and you looked at him a little surprised. You’d been hoping since he approached you that he’d ask, but you couldn’t help but laugh a little at the unexpected timing.

“Ask me again after the tour,” you replied with a smirk and though it vaguely sounded like rejection he couldn’t help but smile. If you wanted to make him work for it then he absolutely would. You asked him a question about the gauges and he told you exactly what they measured, and when you finally made your way back down the ladder he even let you sit on the second to last step as he wheeled it back to its place.

“Bradley!” you squealed when he whipped it around, hands bracing on the poles on either side of you and you were a little breathless when you were suddenly facing him, looking up at him as his strong hands gripped just above your head as he continued pushing you through the open area.

“Just wanted a better view,” he replied and you flushed at the compliment. Even though it was only two steps he still offered you his hand as you got off and of course you still accepted it, lingering for a moment before dropping it. He took you back through the carrier a different way than you’d came so he could show you absolutely everything, still narrating as he went. Truthfully, there wasn’t much difference on this route than the other but it was longer and he wanted to drag this out. He knew as soon as you stepped off the ship he wouldn’t have any reason to keep you longer than he already had, and he wanted to postpone that moment as long as he could. 

When you entered the now familiar cargo hold you couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, you didn’t want your time with Bradley to come to an end but it seemed it was inevitable as he led you down the ramp and back onto solid ground. Your eyes were bright when you turned to face him and you still had that smile on that hadn’t seemed to leave your face all day and it was another sight he wanted to commit to memory. You had surprised the hell out of him, turned his boring day around the second he saw you and he knew with certainty he couldn’t get enough of you… and you were in the exact same boat. You knew when you got here today you’d have a good time, that the other man Bradley insisted was a dud still would have given a good tour and you’d have gotten exactly what you came for but the man in front of you exceeded every one of your expectations and then some, and you weren’t looking forward to the moment you had to go back to your car and not have his eyes on you anymore.

“Bradley, that was…” you sighed, “that was incredible, I don’t really know how to thank you for that.”

“Let me take you out,” he replied easily and you flushed, the tour was over and he was wasting no time in asking you out again, and this time you let him. 

You nodded, “I’m free tonight.” His grin was wide as he fished his phone out of his pocket for you to input your number, and you couldn’t help but mirror him when he told you to put your address as well so he could pick you up… if this was anyone else, if you hadn’t just spent the afternoon with him catering to your every query and whim, you would have told him no. You would have said you could meet him somewhere, but you trusted him. The few hours spent together showed you that you could, and that wasn’t lost on Bradley. If you’d said no he wouldn’t have even blinked, he would have suggested something else that made you more comfortable, but you didn’t say no… and that caused his chest to tighten as he looked down at your beautiful smile.

“I’ll pick you up at seven,” he said, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to your cheek and you felt your skin tingling as he pulled away. “Wear something comfortable.”

You nodded, a little curious as to what he could have planned but you could just tell if you asked he wouldn’t say, and you were more than happy to let this man surprise you. “I’ll see you tonight, Bradley.”

“And I’ll be counting down every second.”

[krazyyyyyy]

A True Friend Hyugo x Reader

While skipping class, a certain someone joins you

Words: 819

You rested your back against the trunk of an oak tree, your eyes tiredly reading the text of a novel your English professor had recently assigned to you, given your continuous procrastination throughout the week and your avoidance of reading the book. The paper you were supposed to write about the book was due tomorrow morning, and you hadn’t even started it or finished the book itself. That’s how you ended up out here, skipping class in the open fields behind your school, attempting to finish the book before the school day ended. You’d probably have to pull an all-nighter to write the paper, but that was a problem for later on.

You felt at ease where you sat, the soft bark of the oak tree against your back, the cool shade providing a respite from the sun's heat. While a subtle breeze, carrying the scent of grass and earth flowed freely around you. The chirping of birds and the gentle rustling of leaves in the wind were the only sounds you heard as you continued reading.

As you focused on the book, a faint sound caught your attention. It was the sound of soft, barely audible footsteps as they drew closer to you.

Suddenly, a cheerful voice rang out from right next to you.

“Whatcha reading?”

A smile appears on your face at the familiar voice of your friend, Hyugo. “Jane Eyre. I guess it’s about an orphan girl struggling in life. It’s actually not that bad.” You reply without looking away from your book.

He smiled as he curiously looked over your shoulder to examine the book's contents. 

He then laughed “Since when do you skip class to read?”

You let out a sigh. “Since today… I have to finish this book and then write a paper about it, all by tomorrow morning, or else I can kiss my A in English goodbye.” You glance at the boy curiously, “What are you doing out here anyway, Hyugo?”

Hyugo kept his usual smile as he sat on the grass next to you, leaning back onto the tree with his hands resting behind his head. “I didn’t feel like going to my history class. It’s so boring (Y/N)!” He pouts.

You laugh, shaking your head in amusement, “You never feel like going to class. How in the world are you still in the student council?”

He shrugs, smiling, “I guess I'm just that amazing.” You suppose he wasn't totally wrong, but you wouldn’t tell him that; Hyugo always managed to be at the top of the class, regardless of whether he showed up to class or not. Knowing his secretive nature, you’d probably never figure out how he does it.

 You roll your eyes, turning your attention back to your book. The two of you sit in comfortable silence—that is, until Hyugo decides to speak again a couple of moments later.

“(Y/N)?”

“Hm?”

“You think you’ll ever make it to the Higher Class?”

Instantly, the book before you didn’t seem as interesting anymore. Everyone at your school dreamed of being a part of the Higher Class, but only very few actually succeeded in making it in. Even if you’re born rich, it's not always guaranteed you’ll make it, especially when everyone makes mistakes…

You close the book, setting it down beside you. “I hope so. It would take a huge burden off my family’s shoulders…I don’t think I can afford to fail.” You let your head fall against the tree in exasperation, looking to the sky in an attempt to ignore the aching in your chest. Knowing you were your family's last hope broke you in ways you never thought possible.

A sudden weight and softness on your shoulder snap you out of your daze. You look over to see Hyugo resting his head on your shoulder with his eyes closed. “(Y/N), If you ever need anything…and I mean anything, let me know. I’ll be there…Always.” He mumbles into your shoulder.

“Thank you, Hyugo,” You whisper, keeping your emotions in check. “But I have to do this myself.” You had to endure this burden alone, regardless of the support you were offered. You made a promise to your father, and you intended to keep it.

Hyugo sighs. “I know, but it’s good to remember that there are people who…” He pauses, choosing his next words carefully. “... really care about you.”

You smile, resting your head on his. “You worry too much.”. 

He chuckles. “If I don’t, who will?” He then yawns, nestling his head comfortably on your shoulder. It doesn’t take long before he’s fast asleep and quietly snoring.

Although tempted to finish your book, you can’t help but give in to the temptation of sleep as your eyes grow weary. Nuzzling into the softness of Hyugo’s hair, you fall asleep without a single worry on your mind for the first time in a long time.

[nvrsaidiwasinurcloset]

pleaser part 4 pls 🙏🙏🙏

Hiiii! I hope you like it!

Sorry I left it on a cliffhanger again but I'll have the next part this weekend if anyone wants it!

Also, I'm sorry it took so long for me to write this, but I literally had almost 20 requests in my ask box for it. HOPEFULLY it doesn't suck😭

AND I STG BAD IDEA, RIGHT?(Part 4) IS STILL COMING! I'm struggling to get the end just right lmao.

Pleaser - Stepbrother!Ethan Landry x Fem!Reader - Part 4

This contains SMUT - Minors DNI

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Summary: You're still sneaking around with your stepbrother, and it's looking like you have the chance to actually be together with your mom and his dad splitting up.

Contains: p in v, fingering-ish, thigh riding, stepcest but like...your mom and Ethan's dad aren't really together anymore so is it really that bad💀(I know I'm probably missing something but if I read this again, I'll delete the whole fucking thing lmao)

A/N: There's a lot of dialog in this fic, even the smut. If that's not your thing, don't read it:)

After a couple weeks of you sneaking around with Ethan, you started to get a little reckless. You knew how close you were to leaving for college, and you knew the odds of your mom sending you away at the last minute weren’t very high. It got to the point where he was sneaking through your bedroom window every night because you didn’t want to sleep without him. Then, he’d have an alarm set to wake up before Wayne and your mom would get up for work and go back to his room.

The situation between your mom and his dad seemed to be civil, even though Wayne had to sleep on the couch while he tried to find a house. He even contemplated getting an apartment for him and Ethan while they figured it out, but your mom was adamant that it wasn’t a big deal. As irritated as she was over the situation, she didn’t feel right for Ethan to bounce from place to place right before he was leaving for college anyway.

You were sure that your mom had no idea that you were still spending time with Ethan, but she started to notice little things. The flirty glances, the sneaky subtle touches. But what really let her know that you’d found a way to spend alone time with Ethan was when you were helping her make dinner, like you always did, and you put your hair up to get it out of the way. She saw the huge purple mark on the nape of your neck, and she realized that you had no idea it was even there once Ethan walked into the kitchen to see what was for dinner, and his eyes grew wide the second he saw it. He motioned for you to put your hair back down, your cheeks turning bright red. You thought she didn’t notice because she didn’t say anything, but she was planning to later that night after dinner.

Just like clockwork, you and Ethan excused yourself to go to bed right after dinner was over. He was crawling through your bedroom window as you walked over to cut the lights off, your room only lit by the moonlight that was pouring through the window before Ethan closed it and drew the curtains shut.

As you crawled in bed with him, he couldn’t keep his hands off you. Your back was pressed to his chest as your legs were spread for him, his fingers rubbing over your panties as he placed open mouth kisses along the side of your neck.

“You’re so hard,” you said, as your ass was pressed against his cock that was straining in his boxers.

“You always do this to me,” he mumbled against your neck. “I want to fuck you so bad right now.”

“You can,” you whispered, as he slid your panties to the side.

“You think you can be quiet?” he asked, a gasp slipping past your lips as he slid one of his fingers inside you.

Before you could say anything else, you heard a light knock on your door before it eased open. Ethan pulled his hand away from you as you closed your legs. You both froze in fear as you saw the silhouette of your mom as she made her way inside your room.

“Are you still awake?” she whispered, as she tried to navigate through the darkness of your room.

“Yeah, I was almost asleep. Just don’t cut the light on,” you said, your anxiety creeping up as she sat down on the foot of your bed.

“We need to talk about you and Ethan,” she said softly, “I know you’ve still been sneaking around.”

Ethan was trying to be as still as possible as he laid beside you. He was so thankful for your blackout curtains, and how you really couldn’t see anything in the room.

“I know you’re probably going to try to deny it, and I don’t want you to lie to me right now. Please be honest with me,” she said, as you took a deep breath.

“When am I going to dads?” you asked, confirming her suspicions without actually admitting to it.

“Do you love Ethan?” she asked, as you tensed up. You hadn’t said those three words yet, and you knew she was just trying to have girl talk with you to know where your feelings were, but you didn’t want to tell her when he was right behind you. “I think he loves you. He looks at you like it’s way more than just some fling.”

“It’s not just some fling,” you said, as you felt Ethan's hand rubbing against the back of your thigh. “I guess I do have really strong feelings for him.”

“I know I was upset when I first found out about the two of you, but I really like him. I’ve seen a different side of him since the weekend that Wayne and I went on our little trip,” she said, as she started to laugh to herself. “You know he used to annoy the shit out of me.”

“He’s actually really sweet,” you said, as his hand just kept moving.

“I’m not going to send you to your dads…and I think I’ll ask Wayne and Ethan to take the cameras down. They don’t really seem to be serving a purpose,” she said, “But, don’t think that I’m okay with the two of you going crazy. I don’t want to walk in here one morning and see him in your bed or something.”

“I’m not that stupid,” you mumbled, “But I’m really tired. Can we talk more about this tomorrow?”

“Of course, honey. Get some sleep,” she said, as she stood up to make her way towards the door. “If you want, we can go get stuff for your dorm tomorrow. Ethan can come, too.”

“Cool, I’ll ask him about it in the morning,” you said, as she opened the door and walked out, quietly closing it behind her.

You and Ethan laid in silence for a few minutes to give your mom plenty of time to go to bed, but he still snaked his arm around you to hold you close.

“Did she just give you permission for us to be together?” he whispered in your ear.

“I think so,” you said, smiling at the thought of it. “I’m sorry if she made things awkward.”

“I think the only awkward part was me being in the bed with you and she had no idea,” he said as he softly laughed against your neck. “Are you talking about the feelings stuff?”

“Yeah…I know we haven’t really discussed that yet. I didn’t know what to say.”

“Do you have really strong feelings for me like you said?” he said, as his hand ran up your thigh.

“I do,” you said softly.

“Good, because your mom was right…about me loving you.”

“You love me?” you asked, as he nodded his head against you.

“I have since we were left alone for the whole weekend.”

You adjusted on the bed so you were facing him, your legs tangling with his as he held you close.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” you questioned, as he sighed.

“It’s a complicated situation. I didn’t want to say it until I knew we actually had a chance to be together.”

“I love you, too, babe,” you said, as you leaned up to kiss him. You started to laugh against his lips once you felt how hard he still was, his cock brushing against you. “You’re still hard.”

“I told you; the idea of getting caught is my kink,” he mumbled against your lips. “You still want me to fuck you?”

“Mhm.”

He connected his lips to yours again, his hand running over the curve of your ass as he rubbed his cock against you. You were getting more wet by the second, the anticipation building as his tongue moved across your bottom lip. He moved his leg so his thigh was pressed against your pussy, as you started to grind against him, gasping at the friction on your clit.

Your breathing got heavier as you kept moving your hips, and once his hand on you ass was helping you move faster, you were trying so hard to be quiet. He started to groan once he felt how wet you were, your panties completely soaked as you rubbed against him.

“You think you could cum like this?” Ethan said, his tone teasing as his hand went to your hip to hold you down harder against him.

“Oh fuck,” you whimpered, as he softly laughed.

You reached between the two of you to palm him over his boxers, as he helped you move. He attached his lips to yours again to keep quiet himself, because his cock was throbbing so hard as your hand moved over the fabric. He wanted to fuck you so bad, but he wanted you to fall apart over his thigh in between your legs first.

You were whimpering into the kiss as you felt yourself start to get close. He pulled his lips away from yours, his bottom lip in between his teeth as he helped you move as fast as you could.

“Oh my god,” you said, your voice strained as he helped bring you closer to the edge.

“Try to be quiet, baby,” he said, his voice raspy as your legs started to tremble.

“I can’t,” you panted, “Fuck, we’re gonna get caught.”

“No, we’re not,” he said, as he leaned down to kiss you, hard. His mouth caught all the sounds you were trying to hard to hold in as your orgasm hit, your hand still shakily rubbing over his cock.

The grip he had on your hip loosened as you slowed down, your moans turning to soft whimpers as you started to relax against him.

“That was so hot,” he said against your lips, as your breathing started to slow.

“Now, I need to make you cum,” you said softly, reaching into his boxers to pull his cock out.

He let out a low moan once you started stroking, paying extra attention to his sensitive tip.

“Try to be quiet, baby,” you teased, “You want me to suck it?”

“I need to be inside you,” he said, “I want to feel your pussy.”

“Okay, let me grab a condom,” you said, untangling your legs from his before you rolled over to reach into your nightstand.

“I still think it’s funny that you don’t hide them under your bed anymore,” he said, chuckling as you reached into the almost empty box.

“What’s the point? My mom knows I’m not a virgin now,” you shrugged, as you felt him move closer to you, his hand pulling you towards him so your back was against his chest again.

“I can’t believe she thought you were just so innocent,” he said, as his lips went to your neck again, his hand running under the big t-shirt you were wearing. He squeezed your breast, a soft moan slipping past your lips at the feeling.

“I am innocent,” you said, your words making him squeeze you harder.

“You’re far from innocent…especially when you’re in bed with me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you said, playing dumb as you moved so your ass was firmly pressed against his cock.

“Keep that shit up and you won’t be able to be quiet,” he playfully warned, as he started to suck on your neck.

You moaned at the feeling as his hand moved to your hips, hooking your panties under his thumb as you adjusted to make it easier for him to slide them down. You passed him the condom, your anticipation building as you heard him open it. He rolled it on and grabbed your leg, spreading them open so it’d be easier for him to slide inside of you.

“Don’t be loud,” he reminded you, as he started to push inside you.

“Oh my god,” you whispered, feeling him stretch your walls.

“Shh, you can take it.”

Once Ethan was all the way in, he stilled to give you time to adjust, but that wasn’t what you wanted. You started to move your hips, giving your pussy the friction it was craving. He groaned at your actions as his hand started to roam under your shirt again.

“You gonna help me out or not?” you asked, once you’d been moving for a little bit and he wasn’t.

“I want you to beg me for it,” he said, as you kept moving.

“Please?” you asked, as he chuckled.

“Not good enough,” he teased, “Tell me how bad you want it.”

“So fucking bad,” you said, as his hand moved to your hip. “I need you to fuck me, please baby.”

He started to move, but it was so slow. He was helping you meet his thrusts, the tip of his cock hitting that spot every single time, but you needed so much more.

“Ethan,” you whined, as he shushed you. “Please.”

He didn’t know how quiet you were going to be, but he couldn’t hold back anymore. He started giving you hard, deep thrusts, as your hand slapped over your mouth. The grip he had on your hip was getting tighter, as your free hand started to grip at the sheets. He placed kisses along your neck as he started to whisper in your ear.

“You take my cock so well.”

“Your pussy is perfect.”

“I’ve got you.”

He knew you were getting close, the sounds muffled by your hand just getting louder as he started to go faster.

“Keep moving your hips, baby.”

You did as he said, his hand leaving your hip to rub fast circles against your clit. You were whimpering as your toes started to curl, your entire body getting hot as he brought you closer to your orgasm.

He let out a low groan when your pussy started to clench him, his fingers pressing even harder as he rubbed your clit. Your body started to arch against him as you cried out against your palm, your eyes rolling back as the intense euphoric feeling washed over you.

“Gonna cum,” he panted, as his hand went back to your hip, his cock giving you a few more hard thrusts before his grip on you got shaky. “Fuuuck.”

You both laid there, the only sounds in the room were the heavy breathing coming from the two of you until it started to return to normal. He slid out of you and crawled off the bed to navigate around the darkness of your room to the trash can to dispose of the condom before he laid back down and wrapped his arms around you. You soon dozed off with Ethan’s head nuzzled against your neck.

The next morning, you woke up with Ethan’s arms still wrapped around you. You reached over to your nightstand to check your phone, your eyes growing wide once you noticed that Ethan didn’t set his alarm.

“Babe, wake up,” you said, your hand shaking his arm as he sleepily mumbled. “Ethan, it’s almost eight.”

“Fuck,” he whispered as he sat up and jumped out of bed. “Where’s my sweatpants?”

He walked over to your curtains to let a little light in so he could see, his heart pounding in his chest one he noticed your mom working in the flower bed right outside of your window. The moving curtains caught her attention, and when she glanced up, she saw Ethan quickly trying to close them.

“Your mom’s out there,” he whisper-yelled, feeling around on your floor until he finally found his sweatpants.

“Did she see you?” you questioned, jumping off the bed to put your pajama bottoms on.

“Fuck, I don’t know,” he said, “I’m so stupid.”

You tried to think of a plan, but once you heard the front door open, you walked over to your bedroom door and eased it open to see your mom walk in.

“Out the window, now,” you said, rushing him as he did what you said.

Once he was out of your room and you closed the window behind him, you turned around to walk back to the door to see your mom standing there.

“Maybe we do need to look into you going to your dads.”

[ginkgo-phyta]

I dunnu if I'm asking right but Spencer with injured knee who feels bad that his gf is taking care of him so much but he's horny and he's also kinda feeling shy asking her to take care of his lil problem but she ofc delivers.

On a side note: cane spencer drives me insane ok thank you <3

yes yes, you asked right!! what a wonderful first request THANK YOU I LOVE YOU hopefully this inspires more people to request pls pls PLS im actually begging atp. anyway, im so loving this request and tell me why i was thirsting over spence w/ a cane literally last night we’re on the same wavelength rn anon ilysm. i hope this piece satisfies you! i actually strayed a lil bit from the prompt, in this spencer doesnt outright ask. i hope that okay eeee but if you want me to do another where he DOES actually verbally ask, i would love to do that, too. fair warning idk if this is still a "drabble" LMAO its 2.6k words i couldnt stop myself, but here you go, my love :] i hope you enjoy

SMUT, afab!reader, description of female anatomy, oral (male receiving)

It’s some odd hour of the night, the sounds of a black-and-white film Spencer’s not quite paying attention to playing on your laptop intermittently gets interrupted by the hoot of an owl perched on a tree somewhere in the distance. You pay it no mind, engrossed by the inviting images flashing before you as you absent-midedly trace figurines onto Spencer’s clothed leg. The two of you were nestled on the couch in his living room, your head resting in his lap after triple-checking you would be far enough from his injury and that he was comfortable. Although he tried his best to repeatedly reassure you, his current shifting began raising your doubts again. Your fingers abandoned their dancing right above his knee as you pushed your body up, leaning your weight on your hands placed firmly on the cushion to crane your head and look at your boyfriend

“Spencer, honey, what’s wrong?” Your voice was warm and full of worry, the timbre washing a feeling of love and desire over the doctor's body, sending a shiver down his spine.

“N-Nothing’s wrong,” he started with a stutter, clearing his throat before continuing, “why’d you move?” you were vaguely aware of his eyes darting down before meeting yours again, but you waved it off, figuring he was just caught off guard. In actuality, Spencer was trying his best not to stare at your mouth-watering cleavage pouring over the neckline of your lounging shirt, deliciously pushed up by the position of your arms.

“I moved because you keep moving, silly. Is your knee hurting again?” Your hand reached out to resume their traces, this time ghosting the top of the ailed joint, your gaze moving along with it. “Maybe it’s time to put some heat on it, hmm?” you mumbled to yourself and before Spencer could even object, you were moving off the sofa and toward the kitchen.

As soon as you were out of the vicinity, Spencer’s head fell back against the couch with a soft thud, a groan of frustration rolling out of his throat. You had been taking such good care of him since his knee got shot last week, refusing to let him do anything by himself. He tried to stop you at first, but you explained to him how rewarding it was to you. 

“I enjoy taking care of the people I love, Spencer,” you said with a serious look in your eyes, his face cupped gently between your palms, “I enjoy taking care of you. Please let me?” your words became quieter as your face inched closer to his. Spencer sighed at the feeling of your hands starting to card through his hair

“Okay, if you insist.” he sighed against your lips, finally giving in. The giggle his response drew from you drowned Spencer’s heart in ecstasy, and he decided he would simply return the favor some way, some time in the future.

That’s not what was frustrating him, though. It was how incredibly turned on he had been feeling the last couple days. The guilt of you having to take care of him, even if it’s something you wanted to do, prevented Spencer from touching you and he hated that. When it came to you, his lovely, kind, caring, thoughtful partner, all he wanted was to put his hands on you- sexually or not. Peppering your jaw with kisses, nuzzling his head into your neck, caressing your back as you rested on him, pressing his nose into your clit as his tongue delved into your folds; he lived for all of it. Even as you laid your head in his lap, he held back from massaging his fingertips against your scalp out of guilt and fear. He didn’t want you to feel like he was taking advantage of you, or pressure you into servicing him, if you will; even though he wanted it so bad and you were so close to his crotch it was making him crazy. Like a madman, he craved to touch you, to feel you. Your bare body pressed against his, nails scratching down his shoulders, your lips sucking his balls into your hot mouth, wet cunt spasming around his twitching cock. He knew none of that would happen, you reminded him as much after a check-up at the doctor’s office 

“The doctor said no physical activity, remember? I can’t have you moving around, honey.” you said to him with a pointed look after the two of you had returned home where one kiss led to two, becoming deeper and more passionate. You pulled away before it could go any further and dutifully reminded him. 

Since then, you mellowed down. Of course you gave Spencer massages wherever you felt he could use one, but you kept your kisses to pecks and made sure to stay on your side of the bed at night. Safe to say, Spencer was feening. 

He shut his eyes tight and ran his hands through his hair, trying to compose himself before you came back into the living room. “Come on, get a hold of yourself.” he grumbled quietly, slapping his fingers against his cheeks in an attempt to drill it into his head. The sound of your light padding drew him back to the moment and you emerged into his eyesight with a tray. 

“What’s all this?” Spencer let out a breathy chuckle, shifting to sit forward a bit more, as much as he could with his injured leg propped up on the table (on top of two pillows, as per your directions). 

“Well,” you started after setting the tray down next to the laptop, standing straight to admire your handiwork and huff stray strands of hair out of your face, “I was in the kitchen getting the hot pack ready, so I put some snacks together. And then I thought maybe you could use some tea! It’s just an herbal tea I put together earlier- it’s mainly willow bark, but I also used some ginger and cinnamon. It’ll help with the taste while helping you heal, too!” you clapped your hands together in excitement, holding them against your chest like a giddy toddler. Spencer couldn’t help but laugh lightly, pride swelling in his heart, joy stretching a smile from ear to ear. 

“I love you.” Was all he could say as he stared up at you. 

You laughed at his dumbfounded reaction, lightly pushing his shoulder. “And I love you, too.” you smiled back at him before leaning over to hand the cup of tea to him, “I want you to get better fast.” you said matter-of-factly, this time duly noticing Spencer’s eyes fixated on your breasts. As you bounded over to the other side of the couch, you bit your lip as dirty thoughts of Spencer flooded your mind. Even though you’ve been doing your best in controlling yourself, you still missed him. A pout couldn't help but mold your lips every time you gave him a short and simple peck or you restrained your hands from traveling over sensitive parts of his body when massaging his shoulders. 

You leaned back, body facing Spencer as you watched him sip on his tea. “How’s it taste, hon?” your voice had an unplaceable hint, causing Spencer to look over at you.

If he had taken a larger sip, the tea would have surely been spat out of his mouth as Spencer’s eyes met your figure. You were draped over the arm of the couch like a centerpiece, head tilted curiously to the side as your fingers played with the buttons of your thin satin shirt, a couple more popped open than before. He could see the edging of lace peeking out, beckoning to him, the shape of your pearled nipples begging to be free from their restraints. Spencer’s dick twitched in his pants.

“U-um,” he stuttered, shakingly putting the cup back on the table and averting his gaze from you. Spencer wiped his hands on his thighs, “G-good. It-” an audible gulp pierces his sentence, “Yeah, it’s nice.” He tries to lean back and focus on the movie still playing in front of him, but your movement from the corner of his eye has a grip on his attention.

You basically crawl over to him, the leather couch creaking as you settle as close to his body as you can. Side pushed against the back cushion, your legs tucked under you, knees pressing against Spencer’s thigh. He begins to squirm, trying to ignore the tent growing in his pants- but you don’t. 

“Oh, baby,” you rasped seductively, one hand reaching out to press against his thigh, the other tucking his long hair behind his ear, “do you need me to take care of you?”

Spencer let out a shaky breath, the feeling of your hand so close to his crotch immediately caused his eyelids to drop close. The beginnings of a whimper bubbled up in the back of his throat, but he contained it. He didn’t trust himself to speak, residing to vigorously shaking his head. 

“No?” you demurred with a quirk of a brow, fingers waltzing over to graze his hardening cock, “It doesn’t seem like that’s true.” you lean closer to him, breasts pressing against his arm as you whisper against the shell of his ear. “It’s okay, baby, you can tell me.”

Against his wishes, the whimper broke free from Spencer’s throat, sauntering like music into your ears. You hummed in delight at the reaction you’re eliciting from Spencer as his head rolled to bump into yours; his hands shoved under his hands, veins in his arms bulging as he tried his hardest to hold himself back. His bottom lip is trapped in between his teeth, chest rising and falling at a quickened pace to keep up with his ragged breathing as your fingers fully grip him, palm slowly grinding into his base. 

“No!” he blurted out, “It’s okay, you don’t have to. You- oh! You already do s-so much for me. Besides, we can’t, you said…you said so yourself- mm-mhm!” a piteous moan cuts his sentence off and you can’t help but revel in it.

You think back to the conversation he references, shaking your head when you find a loophole, “I said you couldn’t move…That doesn’t mean I can’t still take care of you.” with a smirk you shift slightly, moving your hands to push at the waistband of Spencer’s plaid pajama pants. Before you could get it down even an inch, Spencer’s hands fly up to grab your wrists. 

The way he crooned out your name had your eyes whipping to meet his, confusion welding your features, “You r-really don’t have to,” Spencer swallowed hard once again, but his voice was steadier than before, more firm, “I feel so bad, you’ve done so much for me. I…” a second passes as he tries to find the right words, “I feel so guilty for making you do this. I shouldn’t even be so turned on it’s wrong-”

You cut him off before he can go on, your hands moving to gently grasp both of his as you attempt to reassure him, “Spencer, you’re not ‘making’ me do anything. It’s not wrong at all. I want to- I want you. I miss making you feel good, baby. It’s okay to be turned on, won’t you let me help you?” One of your hands caresses his cheek, thumb shifting to trace under his bottom lip. “I’ll be careful, I know exactly how to make you feel good without you having to move a muscle.” Your once reassuring voice is back to dripping with desire as you whisper against the corner of his mouth, reeling Spencer in with ease.

He moans at your words, nuzzling into your palm and he digests your words. After a couple seconds go by, eyes flitting between each of yours to confirm your feelings, he caves in, “Please…”

His breathy plea spurs you onward and you make quick work of pulling down his pants just enough to let his cock spring free. The sight of his unbelievably hard, thick length hitting his abdomen was drool-worthy. Spencer sighed at the feeling of the cool air slicing the leaky head of his dick. He rested his head back against the sofa, watching you through heavy lids. You adjusted your position to get more comfortable before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his tip, looking up at Spencer to watch his face. “Remember,” you started with a wicked smile, a single finger drawing up the underside of his length, “don’t move, honey.” And with that you descended onto his cock. 

Ideally, you would have taken your time, but you were a starved woman. As soon as the head of Spencer’s cock passed your lips, you were moaning. You couldn’t even look up at him as you usually loved to do, losing yourself in the feeling of his fat cock stretching your lips. You sucked him in, first working the top half to warm yourself up, swirling your tongue around the tip, pressing into his sensitive spot, before swallowing down the rest. Obscene sounds filled the fervent air of the apartment, the salacious music emanating from Spencer’s throat proved to be the icing on the cake. 

His hands were balled up, one desperately trying to hold onto the leather of the couch while the other fisted the fabric of your shirt, knuckles pressed against your back. Spencer felt like he was ascending to heaven, each suck of your lips, lap of your tongue, moan around his cock, had whimpers and unintelligent pleas mumbling from his mouth. “Yes, yes, yes!” was the only coherent sentence he could form. He didn’t hold back, either, paying no mind to whether or not his neighbors would be awoken. 

His head thrashed against the back couch cushion as the desire to buck up his hips heightened. Your palms pressing into the top of his thighs, nails digging into his skin, prevented him. Still, you deftly bobbed up and down his long cock. 

“A-ah, please! More, more, pleasee!” he whined out, his entire body shuddering from the pleasure. You moaned in response, not waiting any longer to burrow down on him, his length reaching even further down the back of your throat until your nose hit the dense plat of curly hair covering his base. “Oh my fucking God” Spencer groaned, his hands flying to rest on your head, fingers tangling into your hair, but not pushing you down. You stayed there for a few seconds, nails grounded further into the flesh of his thighs, allowing Spencer to feel the way your throat contracted around his cock. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!” he breathed out, pushing your hair out of your face to look down at you properly. The view of you completely consuming him, eyes rolled back into your head, tears pricking the corners, brows furrowed in concentration as you fought your gag reflex and moaned around him almost had Spencer cumming down your throat right then and there. He would’ve, too, if you hadn’t released him from your mouth with a squelch, moving up closer to his line of sight, panting to catch your breath. 

Spencer tried to thrust his hips up, but you held your weight down on him. “Oh, baby,” he whined out, cupping your face with both his big hands. You stared at him with a fucked out smile, chin covered in a mixture of your drool and his precum which you then wiped at with the back of your hand. “Please,” he whined, his splayed fingers pressing into the side of your hairline and your neck, “I’m so close. Wanna cum so bad…” he pulled your face to his and dove into to engulf your lips with his. He moaned into the deep kiss, tasting himself on you. Much to his dismay, you pulled away just a couple seconds later, leaving your lips against his to whisper:

“You wanna come in my mouth or in my pussy, baby?”

A/N: and, scene!! thank you again, anon, for being my first request, this was so fun and i actually finished this in one sitting just for you! anyone want a pt.2 where reader rides spencer??? wink wink :D also why do i have this scenario in my head when reader is absent-mindedly like...stroking spencer's cane LOL but it just turns him tf on cuz hes like omg i need you to do that to my dick pls HAHAHA

[lionhanie]

han taesan ; back 2 u (part one)

you can’t help but find yourself coming back to taesan everytime

this is part one of my series, back 2 u! read the previous part here!

fuckboy!taesan x fem!reader, college au

...featuring! BFFS jaehyun + woonhak, fuckboy leehan (AND he's taesan's roommate), and lovely roomies sungho + riwoo <3

word count: 1.7k

warnings: cursing, alcohol mention and usage, party mentions, TAESAN IS A BIG FLIRT, reader lowkey doesn't like him lol

a/n: fuckboy taesan i won;t U so bad .. . .. </3

likes ♡ and reblogs ↺ always appreciated!

You would’ve never expected yourself to be involved with Han Taesan, well-known on campus equally for his pretty face and his ability to have someone new under his arm every week. Your school wasn’t necessarily huge, but it was impressive to think that most students had some inkling about who Han Taesan was.

His existence frustrated you deeply, actually. There wasn't any actual reason to hate him per se, but it was aggravating to think that some people just have so much going for them. Not only was he undeniably attractive to anyone who had eyes, he was also known for his unmistakable musical talent and a captivating charm that drew people in immediately. It’s almost comical the way you could be minding your business in class only to overhear a group of girls a couple seats over talking about how handsome Taesan was at a party last weekend or who his most recent fling could be.

Despite everything you’ve heard people say concerning him, you found it hard to believe he was such a player. Sure, he may have some good looks, but he looks… Innocent, in a way. Harmless.

The first time you’d interacted was in the library. You’ve noticed him in there on various occasions while you were working, but never paid much mind to it, given that he’d only look around the bookshelves for a couple minutes before seeing himself out. Taesan was standing right in front of the library’s help desk, where you worked for a couple hours in between classes. “By any chance, would I be able to check out this book?” He’s holding it out to you, and you’re surprised to find that he’s renting out one of your favorite novels. 

“Yup, I’m just going to need your name and student ID. You can only get it for four days at a time, but you’re free to come back and renew the book if you need more time with it,” You type away at the keyboard in front of you, opening up the form you needed to fill out for book rentals. “That’s a good book, by the way.” Your small talk is unnecessary, but your job was too boring not to make conversation with the few people that actually used your services. 

“Yeah, I’ve been eyeing it for a while,” He’s smiling as he takes his card out from the back of his phone case, sliding it to you on the counter. “Ah, my name is Han Taesan. And here’s my ID.” Picking it up, you notice that the name he’d just given you didn’t match the one on his ID. Han Dongmin? You were almost sure this was Taesan, though. Sensing your confusion, he chuckles as he moves to explain the mismatching names. “Most people know me as Taesan, not Dongmin. It’s just a nickname, really. Does it matter what name I use to check out the book?” He tilts his head as he looks back up at you, waiting for your response. 

“No, not really. It’ll be linked to your ID anyways, so it should be fine.” You scan his ID on the card reader next to you, allowing you to finish up the form splayed out on the monitor. Taesan drums his fingers on the counter, glancing around the near-empty library; he’s humming the melody to a song you don’t know. “You’re all set, Dongmin.” You slide his receipt and a piece of paper telling him when he needs to return the book under the cover before giving it back to him. 

He’s caught off-guard at hearing his real name come from your mouth, but he flashes you a grin regardless. “Have we met somewhere before…” Taesan’s sentence trails off until he notices the name tag pinned to your shirt, “...Y/N?” 

This time, you’re the one caught off-guard. “Sorry, is it better for me to call you Taesan?” You question. He’s probably only striking up a conversation because he doesn’t like people calling him by his real name— that probably explains why people call him Taesan instead. “And no, I don’t think we have.”

“Nah, keep calling me Dongmin. It sounds nice coming from you.” He’s leaning on the counter now, close enough for you to notice the luxurious-smelling cologne coming off of him. “You’ll be one of the few people who call me that, you know.” His comment makes you roll your eyes playfully, scoffing at the way he’s making it sound like a special honor for you to be able to call him that. “Are you free this weekend?” 

The clicking of your keyboard stops as you finally look at him properly, feeling slightly bashful at the sudden question paired with his intense stare. “...Why do you ask?”  Your initial perceptions of Taesan quickly dissolve, as you now realize that this is the type of person he really is. Looks really can be deceiving. He smirks at the expression on your face, happy with himself knowing he has such an effect on someone he just met.

He slides his phone over to you, just like he had done with his student ID just moments ago. You take a peek at it, curious about its contents, only to see a blank “New Contact” screen waiting for you. “Number?” He asks for a girl’s number… Like this? It irritates you to think that he’s probably used this exact sequence numerous times without fail, and now he’s here using it on you while you’re at work.

Hesitating briefly, you pick up the phone and type in your info— You hate how easily you give in to him, almost wishing you played a bit harder to get, but it’s hard to say no to the handsome face of Han Taesan directly asking you for your number. “I’ll text you, yeah?” 

“Okay,” You reply, completely baffled at the interaction that just unfolded all in the span of less than ten minutes. Taesan slips his phone into his pocket and tucks the book he rented under his arm, giving you a small smile as he steps away from the desk. As you watch him walk out the sliding doors, you let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding in. Next to you, your phone screen lights up. 

4 new messages from “Unknown Number”! it’s dongmin [address] come saturday if ur free, starts at 10 i’d love to talk to u again, y/n :-) 

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

Just this once, you’re grateful that Han Taesan is so widely known, because it was surprisingly easy to find friends who were already planning on attending Saturday’s party. You were at ease knowing you’d at least have Riwoo and Sungho to fall back on if the nerves suddenly took over. 

You wish you could say that you debated on not coming, but that’d be a complete lie, because you’re currently standing in the middle of Riwoo and Sungho’s shared apartment throwing back shots to pregame. “It’s been a while since you came out with us Y/N! What’s the occasion?” Sungho randomly interrogates you while refilling the empty shot glasses on the counter. 

Biting your lip, you contemplate your response: Should you lie and say you just felt like partying this weekend? You’re well aware of the fact that the pair of roommates in front of you are friends with Taesan… So it wouldn’t be weird to mention him now, right? But then again, his parties are huge. Chances are, he invites random strangers to them all the time, so there’s no need for you to act like your interaction at the library was anything special— You’re about to answer when your phone screen flashes on the kitchen island.

 

2 new messages from “Han Dongmin”! i’ll see u later ya? ik u won’t leave me hanging again y/n ;P 

The notification exhilarates you. Was he looking forward to seeing you tonight? It annoys you slightly to think that Taesan knew you’d show up, even if you’d never confirmed the matter. “Ah… I didn’t know you were friends with Taesan, Y/N!” Riwoo reads the text off your phone from over your shoulder as he moves to pick up one of the shots Sungho just poured. Guess he chose the answer to your internal turmoil for you. “Now that I think of it, how come we’ve never gone to any of his parties together before?” 

Mirroring his actions, you take a glass for yourself and finish it in one clean gulp, wincing at the burn it sends down your throat. “Hm, I don’t think I’d call us friends. He asked for my number at the library the other day.” You correct him, explaining the encounter you shared with Taesan two days prior. 

Being the last to take their shot, Sungho hums in understanding across from you. You can’t help but wonder what it’d be like to actually get to know the kind of person Han Taesan is; Would he maintain the tension with his flirty remarks? Or is he just a normal college student that doesn’t actually live up to the reputation he’s made for himself around campus? 

“So, Y/N, do you think he’s hot?” Sungho blurts out, making you choke on your spit. Riwoo giggles from beside you, patting your back as you finish your coughing fit. “I mean, we don’t care if you think he is. Taesan’s a handsome guy. Hell, half the student population probably thinks so too!” Sungho’s contagious laughter fills the kitchen, making you and Riwoo laugh along with him. 

“Well duh, why wouldn’t I think he’s hot?” There’s a smile on your face as you admit your attraction to the boy in question. Han Taesan is definitely intriguing. The alcohol feels like it’s finally made its way through your system, the room feeling a bit warmer than it was earlier. The three of you didn’t drink much; just enough to give you a little more courage to go to the party without feeling too nervous. You take a glance at the clock on their microwave: 10:43PM. “Shouldn’t we get going?”

taglist: @minwrlds @luna2nite @taesancore @taesanmoon @helpsplease @taylorluvation (send an ask / comment if you want to be added hehe)

© lionhanie 2024 ; all rights reserved!

[skitskatdacat63]

Happy One Year Anniversary to Boy King AU!!!! 🎉

Okay wait before I start talking, look at these close ups and the process!! Aren't they so beautiful aaaahhhh

Wow, can you believe it’s really been a whole entire year since my very first post about this AU? Well technically I first started talking about the statuette a day earlier, but the very first sketch was exactly a year ago!! Let us not forget the incredibly prophetic tag on that post: “also in the sense of this au i think the only ship that would work(historically accurate wise) is Vettonso.” Who knew that after that my entire life would devolve into vettonso, this specific period of history, and the lovely combo which is Boy King AU. Also wow this means it’s taken me almost a whole entire year to actually draw a joint portrait of them hahaha. I drew this sketch around the beginning of the AU, but never finished it. It’s fine though because this one is a lot better, and I’m in love with it. Took me a year to draw a couple portrait, and took me almost a whole entire month to finish said piece. 

Okay let me explain this piece, which I am very obsessed with!!! I dragged the process out more than I usually would, but I’m glad, because it was so enjoyable. But also look at that fucking crown, no wonder this took almost a month. Usually I’d write like 50 paragraphs detailing the characterization. HOWEVER! I’ve spent over a month writing little bits of characterization, mostly for fun, but also in preparation for this very post. A lot of the earlier ones, I had this drawing in mind, thinking on how I could expand on the ideas I was drawing. Though there’s definitely some things I could still write about. I’ll probably continue to write more Lore a Days, but yeah, they basically amounted to this drawing where you can actually see the characterization I was talking about displayed. Anyways, here are the explanations of bits in the drawing:

First of all, this is some part of the long process of their wedding. Look at the married couple!! Look at their rings!!!

Okay, but why are there two, almost identical looking pieces?? Because look at their hands!! I talked a lot about how Fernando is the one to give out affection more easily, especially in public, where he knows he can easily fluster Seb. He’s acting all grumpy and out of it, I mean to be fair, it’s probably been such a long ceremony across weeks. But he notices Seb is out of it too, just better at keeping his smile (let’s be honest, even if he’s distracted, he’s super smug.) So Fernando catches him off guard by squeezing his hand. Before that, as you can see, Fernando is just resting his hand on Seb’s outstretched palm, like that one scene from Succession. Very: yes I’m getting married, but I’m not happy about it. The combination of Fernando refusing to even touch him more than lightly beforehand but now going full force, them being in public, and Seb already being distracted catches Seb so off guard he has to try to cover his blush with his fan. He thought Fernando was being super impolite, but now he’s the impolite one!! Getting all blushy and giggly over a simple display of affection, perhaps even ha-

So. Their crowns. Seb’s wearing the crown of Austria, because he is in fact only a king still! Also, because I really wanted to try drawing it after I wimped out of it before in this drawing. Fernando’s a king as well by the point, but the fact he’s wearing only a tiara-like hairpiece is to represent how much of an outsider he still is. At this moment, he’s just Seb’s wi- ,I mean husband, to all these guests. Of course this bitch wears a black veil instead of a white one, to signal that he’s mourning the loss of his autonomy and personhood. Don’t worry too much about his mental state though, considering he’s not depressed enough to be able to resist teasing Seb. 

The fan, oh my god. Back in this era, people would gift/make fans for basically any occasion. To symbolize an event, to celebrate something, to show a story, etc etc. I wish I could have drawn something more narrative, but I think the bull vs. horse is good enough. Also you can see those same symbols on the pendants they’re wearing!! I’m so happy when I can fit irl, modern stuff like that into these drawings, it feels so clever!!

It’s so funny, I wrote a lore a day from a prompt about what they’d be like when doing a joint portrait, while I was already almost through painting a dual portrait of my own! So I got to explain some stuff like their clothing colors and poses before I even posted this. I feel very coy about that still honestly. 

Hmmm what else? It feels so weird to not expand on the characterization, considering I already did it for myself weeks in advance. I can’t imagine what it’s like opening this read more, and seeing more than 10 in-text citations. Happy reading!!!

 Happy anniversary to  this wonderful, crazy AU that makes me download 500pg German papers about 18th century etiquette. I drew a couple pieces of fanart before this AU, but I definitely think it jumpstarted my insanity about drawing/making AUs, and literally is what made me insane about Vettonso in the first place. Remember, if I hadn’t learned about Joseph I/Charles VI, most of my blog probably wouldn’t exist in it's current form. Thank you if you’ve stuck around since the beginning, or if you’re even just learning about it now!! It’s so incredibly niche but I’ve had so much fun researching and building this world and these characterizations, and I hope you’ve enjoyed what I’ve made in the process. I hope I can draw/write many more things in the future. I think next, I’m gonna maybe open up requests. I’d like to try to either write ficlets or draw chibi comics about specific Lore a Day posts on request. I think that’d be a lot of fun, but also will probably kill me. We’ll see!! Anyways. PPlease enjoy this absolute labor of love, which is a result of a year’s worth of work.

[slutouttanowhere]

Pairing: Drew McIntyre x Desiree Simons

Warnings: self blame, a little bit of angst

a/n: After last nights rumble disappointment, I whipped my tears, and continued on. I still love Drew, and I would still storm the ring with him and Angela of course. I hope you guys enjoys this chapter, likes, reblogs, and comments are appreciated. Follow me for more, and if you’re interested, my main characters have character introductions linked in my pinned post. Love ya

Chapter 2: Motive

On my way to the guerilla, I spot Renee standing nearby with a camera man, and microphone in hand. She perks up upon hearing my voice, “Hey Nae Nae!” Her head pops up, and her eyes widen in excitement. She greets me with open arms, I squeeze her smaller frame as tightly as possible, I remember how she would send me updates of her daughter frequently during my recovery. Even when I did not respond, she kept in touch. I can feel my eyes sting at the sentiment, but I hold it in so I wouldn't ruin my makeup. “Hey yourself, you look amazing Des.” Her eyes give me a once over, a small grin stretches across her lips. I held my face blushing, and I did a small twirl, bowing playfully, we both let out a fit of giggles before we sober up.

“Okay, okay, we doin an interview for me?” I clap my hands together, from my peripheral I caught Drew watching with an amused expression etched across his face, he leaned against a brick wall in the hallway. Matt Riddle seems to be chatting him up to the point I don't think Matt even knew Drew wasn’t paying attention anymore. I bit down on my lip to keep from smiling, Renee calls my attention back to the task at hand, she brings me over to my mark, which is next to her so that we’re both in frame. “Ladies, and gentlemen I’m here tonight with an oh so special guest, as she prepares to go out, Desiree, how are you feeling about this mixed tag match. We’ve never seen you tag with anyone before, let alone Drew McIntyre…” She trails off, holding the mic to me waiting for my answer. I press my lips together, I glance over to Drew momentarily, but turn back to Renee. “Aw man Nae, I’ve never felt better, ready to put my foot up Becky Lynch’s ass, hopefully for the last time because I’m just that tired of seeing her face from the other side of the ring. It doesn't matter if I was gone for weeks, months, or years, I stay ready, and you can bet all the money in the world that I’m always gonna deliver the W. She may have broken my knee but she hasn’t broken my spirit, as a Black girl in America…well you’re gonna have to do better than a steel chair.” I pause hearing the roar of the thousands of fans responding to my words, and that may not have been aimed at Becky directly, but I truly felt that way. And yeah, I absolutely have a chip on my shoulder about it. I took a breath looking down at my shoes trying to regain my focus, then looking back at Renee with a smirk on my lips, Becky’s music hit, so I tried to wrap it up quickly.

“As far as Drew is concerned, well what better a person to go into battle with than a Scottsman?” I end it with a tiny smirk, looking right into the camera lens, then I slap Renee on the shoulder, and walk out of frame letting her finish up her interview. Just then Colby walks past us, he descries Drew, then to me I stood on the opposite side of the hallway. He says nothing, but instead laughs his signature irritating laugh, his music plays, then struts his way through the curtain. I roll my eyes, but I don't give ‘The Drip God’ anymore attention. I finally cross the hall to Drew who’s gaze never left me, his eyes light up excitedly waiting for me to speak, but right when I take a breath to address him Matt Riddle pivots to me. His chill demeanor only raising a step above that, I didn't think it was physically possible for him to show any more energy anyway.

“Whoa, look who it is! Ya know I was just telling D-Man how good you guys would look as a couple. I’m actually glad your back bro, Austin Powers here was walking around real broody every week while you were gone. I told him he should have just visited you if he missed you so much.” Drew, and I gape at Matt in disbelief, it seems to me he let some shit slip that he shouldn't have. The look in Drew’s eyes held a promise to run Matt a receipt that he’s gonna be feeling for the rest of his life. Matt looks between the two of us, aloof of the tension between us because of his loose lips. My face settles into a look of chagrin, and ultimately ruins my mood. Then it dawns on me, “Austin Powers is British you idiot.” I roll my eyes, Drew’s lips parting as if he was going to say something, but my entrance music hits, it’s too late. I face the curtain before I could suffer anymore embarrassment, I took a deep breath, and to my credit, I was trying my best not to grimace.

“Look at the scowl on Desiree’s face tonight, usually she’s more lively, but she means business on her returning night. This would be her first in-ring match in a year. If you were Desiree, what would be going through your head right now, and what is the strategy to ensure you come out a winner?''Micheal Cole asked Wade Barret in commentary.

“I’ve known Desiree for quite a while now, she can be very easy going, and easy to get along with. She’s very sweet, but she’s all business in that ring no matter who her opponent is. All she needs to do is stay focused, keep her head in the game, and she’ll be just fine.” Wade says candidly, they watch as she finally makes her way to the ring, but doesnt get inside, instead she waits outside the ring.

“That seems to be easier said than done, you see how she’s distanced herself outside the ring, waiting for her tag partner tonight, Drew McIntyer, a two hundred and seventy five pound Scottsman. An unlikely pair of Desiree, and Drew, things could get very interesting. Unlike our former womens champion, Desiree, Becky Lynch seems to be in a playfull mood. She says that she’s been waiting, and biding her time for Desiree’s return. There’s been some talk among the women's locker room that the only reason Becky got the win that night at Wrestlemania was because of the damage she did to the knee of Desiree.” Micheal explains, looking into the camera, then to his partner Wade.

“I think I’m siding with Desiree on this one, the Becky v Desiree drama is starting to run stale. I’m very much looking forward to seeing how she fares against Mami, Rhea Rippley.”

I watch as Drew makes his entrance, he makes his way down the ramp, Angela by his side as always. I cannot deny how sexy he looks, like something right out of a fantasy novel. Though I was still annoyed by the previous events, I could feel my tough demeanor softening. His gaze locking on Colby in the ring, he pointed Angela towards him with an unspoken promise of an asswhooping. When he finally reaches me, he tears his eyes away from our opponents, and settles them on me. An apology reflects in his sky blue eyes fleetingly, then a look of playfulness, and soon he was smiling at me charmingly. He took me by the hand, and walks me around to the other side of the ring where his sword holder was attached to the ring post. He sits Angela down on the apron temporarily, then he turns to me, and he holds his hands out to me signaling that he wants to pick me up. At first I try to reject the idea, but Drew is insistent. “Beam me up Scotty.” I sigh, giving in, he lifts me by my midsection, gripping me securely, and places me on the apron in front of the ropes. I press my lips together, a last ditch effort to keep the giggles that are threatening to press past my lips. He then climbs up, and stands tall next to me. He turns to the crowd holding Angela out to them with one hand, fire blast from the ring post, and the people roar to life once again. A proud smile on his face, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and held the ropes open for me.

“Hey, hey, hey, relax a little. Calm down.” Drew and I have a small side bar while the announcer does her due diligence, when he sees that I’m not letting go of my mood, and choosing to be stubborn despite him being able to see through my shield. He shrugs as the bell rings, then slaps me on the shoulder hard enough to nearly knock me over. I stumble forward a bit, the glare on my face is enough to bury him, but he backs away, then ducks between the ropes before I get a chance to slap him back.

“I’m over here sweetheart.” Becky whistles to me, we circle each other, arms raised looking to lock up. She overpowers me, pulling me into a headlock, and cutting the blood flow to my head. I can see Drew in the corner watching closely, he seems annoyed which for some reason rubs off on me, and for a second I get a bit of energy back to somewhat break out of her hold. All I could manage was to buck my hips back into her, she let out a yelp, and had no choice but to let me go. My breathing heavy, and ragged. As soon as I get some separation, Becky ruins it, and kicks me roughly in my gut. Down I go.

“Are you kidding me! That’s all ya got? Aren't you supposed to be a five time champion?” I can hear Drew yelling at me from our corner, I wasn't sure what game he was playing at right now, but if it was meant to get my angry boy it was working. He knew exactly how to push my buttons, and he always did it at the worst times.

“Um, are these supposed to be words of encouragement from Drew?” Micheal asked no one in particular.

“Yes, unfortunately, this is indeed Drew’s vexing, yet effective way of getting you fired up. He’s very good at getting under your skin, in your head, and picking you apart. Putting that Criminal degree to use here in the WWE. Weirdly enough it works, so I don't question his methods.” Wade explains.

“C'monn, wha’yer doin down there takin a nap? We got work to do, get your arse up DeeDee!” He continues to shout at me, I grunt out in frustration, and as I’m getting to my feet Becky is grabbing me by my arms, pulling me all the way up, and irish whipping me into the ropes on the other end of the ring. I bounce off, running at her, she's trying to set me up for a power bomb, but I duck in enough time. I pause mid stride catching her off guard, she stands frozen, and we take a moment to let the crowd react before she turns to run to the ropes. She bounces off, and comes at me full speed. I counter her moves, lifting her up by the waist, and slamming her face fist into the matt.

Wade stands to his feet, “look at the strength! I’ve never seen the Falcon Arrow so wonderfully executed.”

“WOO! That's what I’m talking about!” Drew, and the audience popped at the same time. They have better liked that, I’ve been practicing that move with Colby for god knows how long, and I never got to use it till now. I look back at Becky, I knew she wasn't getting up for a moment, so grab her by the arms, and drag her over to her and Colby’s corner. “Hey! Hey you brat! I taught you that!” He shouts at me, he leans over the turnbuckle to make the tag, and climbs in.

“Yup, and I did it better.” I taunt him, swiping my shoulder like I was dusting it off. Then I trudge over to Drew and I’s corner where he waves at me innocently, I slap him on his chest as hard as I could muster. He groans, feeling the sting, but I’m sure that barely hurts him in comparison to the beatings he usually takes, he clenches his jaw suddenly not finding humor in his own game. The ref acknowledges our tag, “You do realize this behavior won't fly missy.” Drew mumbles to me.

“Ohh I’m so scared, is the big bad man gonna punish me?” I say in a childishly mocking voice, the look in his eyes held promise of something too inappropriate for tv, his stare lingers on me for a moment, before he sets his intensity on Colby. Their start off is the exact opposite of Becky and I, there weren't any formalities, forgetting all about the lock up, Colby wastes no time punching Drew right in the face. Which if anything appears to make him more upset, Colby stares at him like a deer caught in headlights, but when Drew jumps forward faking a counter move, Colby sprung to action. He ran for the ropes, bounces off of them, and sent himself right into Drew’s forearm eating a nasty looking closeline.

“BOOM!” Drew shouts, feeling confident, and looking even more arrogant. The crowd eats him right up, no matter how badly he beats on their heroes, in the eyes of the people that man is always validated.

“Seth knows better than anyone how explosive Drew’s temper can be. I've had the misfortune of knowing how Drew McIntyre can flip like a switch.” Wade lets out a deep chuckle, “At first he’s sweet, and then boy oh boy is he sour.”

Seth jumped off the second rope, meaning to go for a ddt, but Drew caught him mid air, skull to skull. As usual Drew won that battle.

“OH! Glasgow Kiss, and a Falcon Arrow this early in the match up. Drew McIntire and Desiree did not come to play.” Micheal Cole nearly jumps out of his seat along with the rest of the crowd.

The sound of their skulls clanging together sends a shiver down my spine making my whole body cringes, there’s no nice way to deliver a headbutt, however I can't help but feel that one was personal. There’s no love loss between Colby, and Drew, in fact I don't think they ever got along behind the curtain. Thankfully for Hunter, the two of them know how to be professional for long enough to put on a good show. Drew would never go into detail about why he doesn't like Colby, and every time I’ve asked it usually results in an argument. “Some role model he is, ‘oh lighten up, have fun’ he says” I mumble mockingly in the corner, my interpretation of his accent rusty from not being around him in so long.

“What did you say?” Drew whips around, I nearly jump out of my skin not realizing he’s not too far from me, Colby is outside the ring, on the floor near me. His breathing heavy, as he clutches his shoulder, I glance back to Drew who’s still watching me. Meanwhile the ref is counting out Colby, I roll my eyes, and get down from the apron. Everyone watches me with confusion, Becky starts to holler at me as I make my way over to Colby, and help him up.

“Gosh you’re fat.” I grunt as I try to pull him up from the floor, I yank his arms as hard as I can to lift him, and suddenly he comes up with ease. I smile to myself thinking that all my training has been paying off till I see who’s on the other side holding onto Colby’s arm, Drew not only looks confused, but furious.

“Aye, I know what I’m doin’ I don't need you getting involved.” He fusses at me, Colby’s tired body now leaning on me, his face in the crook of my neck, and it hadn’t even dawned on me how this must look to everyone else. Becky shouting at us to get back in the ring, the ref following her lead, and the whole arena in disarray. That may or may not be my fault. But the fans are eating it up, so I just go with it, I push Colby off me, and back into Drew’s arms.

“You were taking too long! I dont wanna win by count out! Get him in there, and let's go already!” I clap my hands trying to herd Drew to the apron.

Wade chimes in trying to make sense of what’s happening for the viewers, “I don't know what’s being said exactly but it seems like Desiree was beginning to get impatient with Drew, Seth Rollins who’s still very much winded probably doesn't know where he is right now after Drew roughly threw Rollins into the barricade over the top rope causing Seth to go head, and shoulder first into it.”

“Becky Lynch the only competitor in the ring right now, but her partner Seth Rollins is still technically the legal man right now. She has the ability to change the pace of things, and it seems as if she’s making that choice right now as she climbs to the top looking to fly while Drew, and Desiree are too busy arguing. AND OFF THE TOP BECKY GOES! A hell of a crash landing from The Man, Becky Lynch.”

Drew looks up above me, “watch out!” I duck in enough time to dodge out the way, and not almost die from her crash landing. Drew catches her in his arms, she squirms in his hold, but he wasn't sure what to do with her. The crowd was in a frenzy, “hey, hey, over here!” I call Drew, he shrugs his shoulders, then hands her off to me, but she begins to fight back. I fight her off with a few punches to the ribcage, then putting her over my shoulders, and dropping her face first onto my knee. I roll her into the ring then climb in after her. I let her rest for a moment while I took a short break myself. I flip her onto her back, hook both her legs, putting my body weight across her chest, and lift my fips for good measure. The ref counts, three, the bell rings, and just like that I end the match with the win. The crowd erupts, it felt good to know I had them back in my corner. Drew’s large hand grasps mine, and raises it high, almost lifting me off my feet from our dramatic height difference.

“Oops, sorry, I forget you're a wee little lad.” He chuckles, graciously holding the ropes open for me like the gentleman he is, then stepping through the middle rope, and jumping down. This time when he offers to pick me up, I don't argue, but rather hop into his arms, he catches me with ease. The fans shout for our attention, I notice how many phones are on us right now, and we might possibly get in a bit of trouble for this interaction. I didn't care for the moment, for now I’ll ride the high of my return.

“Great job out there partner.” Drew compliments me, the night isn't completely over so there were still a few Superstars scattered about, warming up, or chatting with each other. No one really paid us any mind, that’s if they could see me underneath his large frame, but that got me thinking about all that I want to bring up tonight over dinner.

“Think I might be giving Sheamus a run for his money?” I ask, we approach the women's locker room, the mens a little ways from here, he was sweet enough to pass up his own stop.

Drew’s face lights up at the mention of his best friend, letting out a hearty laugh, his head thrown back, and his hand on his chest. He peers down at me, hands on his hips, “Keep dreamin las, maybe if you put on a few extra pounds, and pick up some weights. You might come close.” I couldn’t help the grin that stretches across my face, his energy infectious, I raise my head to look up at him. If he leans in a little lower he could kiss me, his eyes flicker to my lips, and back to my eyes. He takes my hand, turns it over, pressing his lips to my palm gingerly, and then pressing my hand against his bare chest. His chest hairs are soft beneath my palm, but I hardly notice. “What I should have said earlier was that I’m happy to see you, and I’m glad you’re well.” He said softly, his other hand came up to gingerly sweep the hair stuck to my lip out of my face. I swear I couldn't breathe right now, but I inhale as much air as possible to make sure I dont pass out from lack of oxygen.

“It’s okay.” I whisper, the door to the locker room opens, and out comes Mandy Rose. She looks between the both of us seemingly upset, but I couldn't fathom why. We weren't ever the best of friends but as far as I knew we had a fairly decent working relationship. Drew did not spare her a glance, his eyes remained on me, and eventually she’s out of sight. Unfortunately that little exchange took me out of the moment, my stamina wearing off, and the beating I took earlier is catching up to me. I let out a deep breath, letting my hand slide down his body, and dropping down to my sides.

“I need a hot shower, and a change of clothes. I’ll see you later?” I lean my hip against the door, one hand already twisting the handle. I knew if I didnt get from under his microscope now then I’d end up in his clutches for sure.

Drew let me choose the restaurant per his request, and when I got there he was already there near the back. I walk up to the greeter at the front, he smiles at me kindly, and I return his gesture, “Table for Galloway.” He checks his tablet, then leads the way to the back of the restaurant where the lighting is a bit dimmer, and intimate. I suddenly feel nervous when Drew looks up from his phone, our gazes meet, my lips part as I take him in from afar. He’s simply dressed in a white button up, the first few buttons undone showing off his chest hair, and dark denim jeans. He stands from his seat like a gentleman, he smiles charmingly, his eyes sparkling with desire. I thanked the host, then he left us alone, left me alone…with Drew. “Well, at least I know I didn’t over dress?” He takes my hand holding it up, and he gently pushes my hip signaling me to turn. As I’m twirling, I notice we caught the attention of onlookers, as Drew is the largest man, probably in the entire restaurant. He hums satisfiedly, a giggle pushes past my lips; sometimes he makes me feel so easygoing, and not caring about a single person watching.

Still, but holding onto me, his other hand comes around my waist, and pulls me in closer. Leaning down, He places a chaste kiss on my cheek, then whispering into my ear. “You always look, beautiful princess.” His lips brushing my ear, my voice caught in my throat, and he took my frozen stature as an excuse to keep me there a moment longer. He dips his head lower to the crook of my neck inhaling my perfume as deeply as he could. My stomach began to flip aggressively, I’ve never wanted to kick my own ass so badly, because what was I thinking, just ignoring him for a year? Not wanting to cause any more of a scene I press my hand to his midsection pushing him away, and getting some space between us.

“Drew…” I groan, this was supposed to be a casual dinner but he was acting like he wants to spread me out on the dinner table. I was only going to have as much self control as he was. That's how we got into this predicament. He kissed me at one of LA Knight’s Christmas parties four years ago, unbeknownst to us how much chemistry there was between us.

“Right…casual dinner, here lemme get this for ya.” He reluctantly let me go, pulling out my chair, waiting for me to sit, and slowly pushing me in. By the time he got around to his size, a waiter was approaching us, a polite smile spread across their mouth.

“Evening, are we ready to order?”

Drew gestures for me to order first, not wanting to make anyone wait, I went for my usual choice. “I’ll have blackened salmon, with the roasted potatoes…can I also get sauteed broccoli on the side please.” The waitress quickly jots down my order, then moves on to Drew, who is of course a heavy weight, ordering a medium rare ribeye steak, buttery mashed potatoes, and roasted vegetables. He could definitely eat more, I once witnessed him damn near inhaling a platter of buffalo chicken tenders, fries and downing a beer to wash it down.

“Okay, I'll be right back with your drinks, and then your meal should be shortly after that.” Then they disappear out of our eyesight, yet again we were left alone. I wasn't sure where to start, so I blurt out the first thing that comes to my head, “I got a cat..sss, I got two cats.” He perks up in interest, I pull my phone from my purse, scrolling through my photos, and find the hundreds of selfies I took, but never sent. I slide the phone over, our fingers graze sending a shock of electricity through me, my skin prickles, and I quickly pull my hand back.

“Well look at that, you’re a cat mom, who would have thought. What’s their name?” He asked, he stared at the photos adoringly, we both leaned in over the table to try and get a good angle of the phone. I scroll back to the selfie of me and my gray Scottish Fold, I felt my face heat up in embarrassment, “this is Andrew…” There was a long pause as I watch him stare down at the picture on my phone, a look of adoration in his eyes. “Is it weird that I named my cat after you?” I smile sheepishly as his facial expression changes into one of shock, then a look of affection. His eyes brimming with tears unexpectedly.

“Yeah, it's a teeny bit weird. But! It’s literally the sweetest thing ever. I’m flattered that you thought of me.” He smiles, a bittersweet expression in his eyes, my lips parting to speak, but the waitress saves me. Placing our drinks down in front of us, and kindly reassuring us our food is on the way.

We simultaneously sip, I take as long as I can, and swallow impossibly slow. When I looked up from my glass, Drew was already looking at me, and I nearly choked on my wine. He watches me with his eyebrows raised, as I continue to chug, his own glass lowers. I paused for a second, but he encourages me to continue, “go on, don’t let me stop ya.”

I gulp down the rest of the dark red wine knowing I might regret that sooner than later. I felt proud of myself the way he looks at me from across the table, usually Drew is the heavy drinker, and eater at that. I smile bodaciously, my lips stretching across my face, he slams his fist onto the table. He chuckles deeply, bringing the attention of the restaurant back to us.

“Never knew I needed to see you chug wine, till I saw you chug wine…that is something.” He confesses as he gazes at me, mesmerized by what he just witnessed.

“I learned from the best.” I chortle, shrugging my shoulders, glancing down at my phone. It brought my mind back to what I wanted to say a moment ago. Taking in a deep breath, then letting it out slowly, I try to get serious again. Clearing my throat, I spoke up, “I did think about you a lot, there’s a lot of drafts in my phone, and selfies I wanted to send.” I exhale, then snuck a quick glance across the table, and sure enough he’s hanging on my every word. Blue eyes watching me attentively. “And the reason I didn’t…honestly I just felt like I’d bring you down. There were some good days I could have told you about, like when I adopted Andrew, and Sadie. But then I felt like, why would you even want to talk to me at this point? Were you even still interested in me?” I didn’t intend on confessing as much as I did, but his silence is motivating.

“For every time I had something good or positive to tell you, my own subconscious slammed me down. You know me, I’m prideful, I never want to tell you all the bad things, it just felt like complaining. So here I am, pouring my heart out hoping you’ll take me back. I mean, I understand if we’re just friends, I’m perfectly okay with that.” Lies, all lies, of course I wasn’t going to be okay with being just friends, my eyes found interest in my nails as I lay my palm flat against the dinner table cloth.

His large hand took mine, then interlocking our fingers, and brought my attention to him. “First of all, of course I still want to be friends, we were friends first, remember? Secondly, I wanted to hear everything, no matter how miserable you thought it was because that’s what real friends do sweetheart.” He says ever so gingerly, I could have cried, the fact that he had to reiterate that made me feel stupid. I sniffled a little trying to hold back tears. Looking up to the ceiling, I wonder what I did to deserve such a man in my life. “I wanted to be there for you through it all, but your crazy arse wouldn’t let me.” He jokes, just then our food came, so reluctantly Drew broke the hold he had on me to allow the server to place our food in front of us.

“What now then?” I ask, I was just fine with letting him steer things because clearly I couldn’t handle being in charge. He thought about it for a moment, cutting into his steak, and taking a few bites. I nibble at my salmon, suddenly in the mood for different meat to be in my mouth. I cross my legs one over the other, thankful for the table cloth, but I’m sure my facial expression gave me away. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions. Drew’s mouth twitches, an attempt to hide a slight smirk on his lips.

“Hmm, well we can’t be friends.” He says, playfully, and I almost choke. I place my fork down calmly, and fold my hands in my lap to keep from trying to stab myself in the eye.

“We can’t?” My voice above a whisper, his lips press together, and his eyebrows drawn, a pensive expression etched across his face. This is not how I thought things would turn out at all, I mean he made it clear that he was mad initially. But to just leave it behind completely.

He shook his head, “nope.” I sat for a while, when I peake at him from underneath my lashes I saw how he’s simmering. Desire deep in his eyes, his gaze piercing, he leans forward in his seat.

“Why not?” I tug at my bottom lip, his eyes dropping to my mouth, and tongue flicking out to wet his lips. Memories of how that same movement could weaken me, and make me scream his government.

“Do you really think after a year of not seeing you, not having you…that I would let you roam free? Getting rid of me won’t be that simple I fear, but it’s ridiculous to call us just friends after all this. I mean, who are we kidding, I’ve done things to you that won’t ever compare, and I don’t need another man daring to try.” He reaches across the table, taking my hand in his, his thumb caressing my knuckles, and his other holding onto his cup of Guinness. Then this crazy man proceeds to chug his beer, nearly inhaling it. He lets out a grunt after roughly setting his glass back down, his lips settles into a small smile as she leans forward. “You and I both know, our chemistry is just too intense to call it quits. So, meet me in the middle, and take things slow?” He offers, and after a whole year away, I finally know exactly what I want.

“Yea…I’d like that.” I agree meekly, biting in my bottom lip, taking things slow with him sure is going to be hell on wheels. All I’ve wanted him to do since earlier today was rip my clothes off, but if I want to be more present in this relationship, I can’t let my pussy do all the taking for me. We sat in a comfortable silence for a moment, then I accidentally let out a yawn.

“Past your bedtime already?” Drew chuckles, a soft smile curled into his lips, making his dimples more prominent, and a smile of my own mirroring his.

“I didn’t even tell you about my time off yet.” I whine, falling back in my seat, unlady like, but we’re way past that point.

His smile deepens into a grin, “how about you tell me on the ride back to the hotel?” He pulls out his wallet to place his debit card down, and I knew better than to make a fuss about it. My eyelids were already feeling heavy, and my body was settling into the kind of ache you get when you’ve been awake too long. After the waitress returns with styrofoam boxes, and everything is taken care of, Drew helps me to stand.

“Up ya go princess, that a girl.” He drapes one arm protectively over my shoulder letting me hide under his large body, and my arm wraps around his lower back. He opens the passenger door, holds out his hand for me to use, and of course my shoe slips on the door— the inside of the panel wet, and slick from rain— causing me to panic. As I stumble backwards, Drew catches me, placing one hand on my hip, and the other on my back, supporting my weight. I successfully made it into the vehicle, thanks to my man.

As soon as my body relaxes into the heated leather seats, my eyes close. It wasn’t my intention to fall asleep, but once he turns the radio on, the sound of soft music playing is the icing on the cake. By the time I open my eyes, we’re driving up to the hotel valet. Drew is already on my side of the car helping me out. We walk to the elevator hand in hand, when we finally step on, instinctively I wrap my arms around his waist snuggling up to him like a cat. I let my eyes slide close, leaning all my body weight on him, the elevator came to a temporary stop, and though I knew someone had got on they didn’t speak. Drew’s body tenses slightly causing my eyes to fly open, thinking we might be getting into an altercation, but seeing the only other person in the elevator is Mandy I relax. Her eyes flicker from Drew then to me; I wasn’t sure what her sour facial expression is for, but I speak to her anyway, deciding not to let anything ruin my night. “Hey, it’s a nice night out.” To my credit, I was trying to be nice, but I’m met with a blank expression.

“It’s raining.” She deadpans, and I didn’t mean to laugh, but I let it slip. I couldn’t fathom how someone as pretty as she is could make such an ugly face. Hmm, how disappointing.

“Yeah, but rain can be beautiful.” I said softly, a faint smile curling up onto my lips. Her eyebrows drew together, her lips parts to say something, but it seems her voice was caught in her throat. I held her gaze, it looks like she was going out; her makeup was freshly done, coat, and purse in hand. Her outfit was revealing, and perfectly tailored to show off all her petite curves. I didn’t realize how intensely I’m staring till the elevator doors ping, I tore my eyes away to look up and see it was my floor.

“Welp, that's us.” Drew spoke up for the first time since we got on, if our arms weren’t tangled together, I would have forgotten he was there. He all but shoves me out the elevator doors, at last second I caught a glimpse of the way Mandy gloweres at Drew and I’s hands clasped together.

“Ya know, is it just me, or does Mandy seriously have it out for me. Like did you see that attitude?” I could feel anger rise in me, and settle in my chest. I definitely didn’t deserve all the passive aggressive energy she’s giving me.

“That’s not the last thing you wanna think about before bed.” He says softly, and like that, my peace is restored. We stand on either side of the door, he had one foot on the threshold, playing with the idea of him coming in, but fighting himself on it.

“Then what should I be thinking about then?” My hands crept up his chest, reaching up his neck, and held onto him. My fingers play with his low ponytail, twirling it around my index finger. He pulls me in closer, my chest pressing to his abdomen; I tilt my head back so I could see his face. His eyes resemble a clear blue sky, his gaze hazy, and full of lust; butterflies swirl in the pit of my stomach, giving me chills. His hand slid up my arm, to my face where he cups my cheek.

I stand up on my toes to try and meet him halfway causing the corners of his mouth to curl upwards, he chuckles lightly. I wasn't sure what he found so funny, but I didn't bother to ponder it. As much as I want to invite him in, and request he do unspeakable things to me, I decide against it. “Only a goodnight kiss.” I clarified, a yawn fell from my lips accidentally, and this time Drew let out a boisterous laugh.

“Alright, alright. Goodnight sweetheart.” He presses a chaste kiss to my forehead, then my nose, and lastly my lips. My hands cup around his face, gripping his beard, and holding him in place for a moment longer. My hands slid down to his chest to create some space, and at my request he slowly separate himself from me. I lean against his body for a moment to catch my breath. Drew on the other hand is breathing like he just ran a mile, his hands gripping the fabric of my dress. His eyes darkened, “excuse my abrupt exit, but if I don't walk away right now…well lets just say you won't be waking up till 12 pm tomorrow.” He whispers almost achingly, and with a look of determination in his eyes he pushes away from me. When he turned to head back to the elevators, all I could do was stand there speechless. I clean my puddle off the floor, force myself to go into my hotel room, and get ready for bed. I barely slept that night.

[annasinterests]

don't look at me like that unless you mean it

smiling, having fun ♫ feeling like a number one

|| series masterlist || main masterlist ||

a/n: god dayum this took me so long to put out and i sincerely apologize friends!!! my family's been in town and i've been planning trips with my bf for the next couple of weeks so i've just been sooo busy. to make up for it, enjoy the longest chapter i've written yet :)) i legit had so much fun writing it but i also fussed w/ it a ton because i wanted to get it just how i envisioned it. nuff' ramblin' from me, love y'all, enjoy !

word count: 9.8k (i had over 10k written b4 editing but still omfg!)

pairings: joel miller x f!reader

warnings & tags: minors dni, cursing, joel/reader/tommy being cute, tommy being an instigator lowkey, mutual pining, joel and reader going on a lil 'date', sexual themes, mentions of alcohol/being drunk, honestly kinda self-indulgent esp on the music parts, angst RAAAAAAAAH — please tell me if i missed anything!

Friday. Thank God.

As the morning light painted the sky in soft hues, you opted to savor your coffee on the front porch with your feet kicked up on the deck railing, basking in the quiet before the day's festivities consumed the town.

The early hour granted you respite from the scorching sun, sparing you the discomfort of the sweltering heat that would undoubtedly arrive later. Dressed in a small tank top and shorts, you relished the cool breeze that gently brushed against your skin. Tilting your head back, you closed your eyes, allowing the sounds of chirping birds to serenade you and the warm rays envelop you in a soothing embrace.

You thought back to last night with Ellie, how much fun you had with her even though you passed out before the movie was even over. It was the perfect start to your two days of rest, and it prompted you to commit a rare act of self-care by pushing off your new workload until the new week started.

You always did something on your days off for Jackson, whether it was doing a few favors for neighbors or finding yourself in Maria’s office all day. Nothing ever to give yourself the time you deserved.

And maybe it was selfish– irresponsible, even– but you needed a real break, and when would you get that if not today? Tonight promised laughter, music, and camaraderie. All your problems and issues would still be there tomorrow anyway.

"Put some clothes on, would you?" You jerked your head forward to meet Tommy walking up with a grin on his face. You rolled your eyes.

"I'll put on more clothes when you shave off that disaster you call a mustache."

He put his hand over his chest that shook with laughter and took the vacant seat next to you. When you offered him coffee, he politely declined, chuckling when you insisted that you could add whiskey to it for him. "I actually came to ask a favor."

He watched as you peered down at the imaginary watch on your wrist before giving him a skeptical look. “Tommy, if you’re asking me to work, the answer is-”

“No! God, no.” You let out a thank fuck under your breath. “It’s for tonight.”

You raised your eyebrows as you drew a sip from your coffee. For tonight? He took your silence as a cue to continue.

"Joel tells me that you've got quite the music collection. I was wonderin' if I could borrow a couple of your tapes or CDs or whatever y'got?"

You thought about it for half a second, but pretended to be in deep contemplation. He grew antsy, attempting to seriously reason with you, and when you couldn't hold it together any longer, you hid your grin behind your mug as you watched him realize that you were fucking with him. You got up from your seat and signaled for him to follow you inside as you grabbed cassettes for his cause.

Joel had been in the kitchen pouring himself a cup from the pot you had already brewed. You peered around the corner to set your mug on the counter, flashing him a bright smile before quickly scurrying off, catching a glimpse of how his face dropped from a smile to confusion upon hearing more footsteps in the house. You giggled once you heard his groan, followed by 'Jesus, don't you know what time it is?'

You picked through your pile, grabbing tapes that you were certain would be winners. Once content with your selection, you brought them back to Tommy in the kitchen. His eyes and smile widened at the handful, carefully taking them into his possession. Joel, still clearly waking up, watched the interaction with a dull curiosity over the rim of his mug, flickering his gaze from you, to the cassettes, and lastly Tommy.

Your eyes lingered on the tapes, a small smile brought to your face at the pure nostalgia they held. You knew each track on each tape, word for word. You remembered when you heard them for the first time, what life had felt like, and when you found yourself listening to them the most. Normally, you'd feel hesitant to lend out your most prized possessions. They’d been with you ever since before outbreak day, and the one constant you had since the beginning that got you through your toughest times. But this was Tommy, and you didn’t have to think twice about whether or not you could trust him.

"Wait, I almost forgot!" You snapped out of your thinking to go and retrieve another part from your pile. You handed him a small deck of index cards binded together with twine in what was your own way of personally cataloging. "It's already in order, by cassette and song title, so you can figure out if there's something you don't wanna play.. or whatever you got planned." You lazily gestured.

The brothers exchanged a look before turning their attention to the cards. Joel set his coffee down and took the thin stack from Tommy, reading over it together as they glanced back and forth between the cardstock and the tapes. The corner of his mouth curled up as he skimmed over the songs, making it impossible for you not to smile either. You sheepishly looked down while rolling your feet from heel to toe with your hands behind your back, feeling like a kid showing their parents a piece of art they made at school.

"Had the world not gone to shit, you could’ve been a mean music curator.” Joel waved the cards between his thumb and forefinger, a suppressed laugh leaving your lips.

“Yeah.. damn, these bring back some good memories. Buncha’ old ones on here, some even way before our time.” Tommy motioned between himself and Joel.

The small smile on Joel’s face grew bigger, his face becoming more lively at a realization. “Y’know, ‘lotta these were popular bar songs. You were just shy of eighteen back then, weren’t you?”

Tommy quickly caught on to Joel’s train of thought, matching his grin. You stared at him with a subtle smirk, knowing that he knew he was right, and only asked to make it a point that he knew that. And in a way, you found it kind of.. hot? He was keenly aware of your timeline and able to make the connections that no one else really could. He didn’t have to do the mental math like Tommy probably was after he said it. You felt a surge of heat in your cheeks and on the tip of your ears as their gaze on you persisted, waiting for you to answer.

“.. I may or may not have snuck into them..”

Their voices overlapped with elation, to which you stuck up a middle finger for each Miller.

“Sounds like you were living on the edge,” Tommy peered down at Joel’s hand, “..of seventeen.”

Before you could open your mouth to scold Tommy for popping the corniest joke in all of the apocalypse, he and Joel fell into their own fit of laughter, bumping shoulders and elbowing one another. So proud and smug of their joint-effort to expose your rebellious years. But you found yourself grinning, not at the joke, but at them.

You shook your head, letting out a mix of a laugh and sigh, “Alright, you boys had your fun. Now Joel, why don’t you do your big brother duties and show Tommy the way out?”

He raised a brow at you, bringing his mug to his lips, “Must I remind you that it was you that brought him in here, not me?”

Tommy raised his hands up in defense as you glared at Joel, “Alright- I’ll see myself out.” He winked at you as he walked past, “Give you a break before ya’ gotta deal with me tonight.”

You and Joel walked him to the door, exchanging goodbyes until later this evening. Just before stepping out, Tommy suddenly turned over his shoulder to you. "Oh! Before I forget– Are you seein’ anybody?”

You froze at his question, your smile slacked and your eyes widened. The residual feeling of laughter in your chest subsided quickly as if it never existed in the first place. He held up his left hand, “Not for me, obviously.”

You rolled your eyes, then narrowing them at him. “Yeah, no shit. What, are you playing matchmaker for me?”

“Not for you, someone else.” A shit-eating grin appeared on his face. “So, are you?”

The short answer was no. You were too busy with leading your life in Jackson.. And being hopelessly in love with his brother.

“Uh– no. I’m not.”

Joel's gaze shifted towards you, your words evoking enough of a reaction out of him, to which Tommy caught and raised an eyebrow with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. They bounced between you and Joel as if he had caught a whiff of the unspoken agreement you two held. You felt your cheeks go hot again, knowing that your words hadn't gone unnoticed by either of them.

He bid a final farewell with an unconvincing nod that left you both standing in the foyer quietly, which was luckily cut short by Ellie coming through the back door, giving you both the perfect excuse to forget all about.. whatever that was.

She rubbed away the sleep in her eyes, murmuring a good morning to you and Joel as she made her way into the kitchen, both of you treading in after her. You inquired about the basics. How'd you sleep? Want me to make you something for breakfast? Do you want orange juice? What are your plans for the day? Joel watched as you engaged in conversation, admiration and warmth flaring in his chest as you seamlessly transitioned into your role as a caretaker.

You were receptive when she shared her plans for the day, further inquiring about smaller details of her schedule. He watched as Ellie became more animated the more she got to talk about her day ahead, especially as you encouraged her.

"What about you guys? Don't you both have off today?" Ellie faced in her chair so that she could clearly see you both.

You exchanged a glance with Joel before you both shrugged your shoulders. You hadn't realized that he had the day off as well, if you were being completely honest. As you thought about it, it occured to you that you hadn't gotten to figure that part out, since Tommy and all. When you confessed that you hadn’t planned anything for the day, Ellie’s eyes squinted in deep thought for a moment, then looked back at you both, “Why don’t you guys do something together?

You straightened up at her proposal, mildly thrown off, sharing another look with Joel before you both attempted to give a series of excuses, which just came out in a mess of jumbled, almost incoherent words.

“Oh, come on! You guys almost never do anything together.”

You folded your arms in defiance, but it came off more as a pout. “Yes, we do.”

“Sitting at home together doesn’t count.” You opened your mouth to disagree, but nothing came out. “Go out! Have a date or something.”

You nearly choked on your coffee as Joel sighed, speaking with caution, “Ellie–”

“Anyways! I’m off to Dina’s for the day.” She beamed and laughed in victory as she watched you two writhe in place. You could hear the smile in her voice as she left out the back door, “You kids have fun tonight, and make good decisions!”

God– first Tommy, now her. It couldn’t have been past nine yet.

You hand cradled your elbow, the other hand covering your eyes as your thumb and middle finger kneaded at your temples. Okay, maybe she was right. Maybe you and Joel didn’t spend proper ‘quality time’ together, but it just wasn’t something that either one of you were accustomed to. Before Jackson, the most you were able to be alone outside of your apartments were during smuggle runs, which was definitely not the type of recreational activity that she was referring to, and once you picked her up and finally settled here, your lives were centered around her and your respective jobs for the community.

Joel crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway that bordered the dining room, staring at the back door and then subsequently at you. You hadn’t noticed him looking, still hiding behind your hand to mask your embarrassment, and saw how his eyes raked over your figure, taking in how little clothes you were wearing. The black tank top was a deep cut halter that exposed your arms, chest, and just the littlest bit of midriff. Your shorts matched in color, the fabric just hovering over the higher part of your thighs with slits up the sides.

It was a good thing for him that you had your eyes covered. You weren’t able to see how his tongue poked over his bottom lip and his eyes that were drawn to your cleavage that was accentuated by your arms drawn together. Even with your fair share of scars, your skin looked so perfect and soft under the glow of sunlight through the window, so much that he could barely keep himself back from touching you, wanting to trace the contours of your arms with his fingers and hold your face in his palms again.

His heart thumped in his chest as he wondered what it would feel like to rub your legs against his under bed sheets. How it would feel to press his fingertips into the soft flesh of your hips–

“Joel?”

His head jerked up slightly as his eyes darted to yours. “What?”

Irked, you threw your hand away from your face in an exasperated manner, “Do you wanna come?

He stared dumbly at you, stuttering, “Do I- w-what?”

“To Lake Falwich! Weren’t you listening?” You threw him an incredulous look as he shook his head to himself, apparent to you that he in fact hadn’t listened to a damn word you said.

Lake Falwich was located off of Elk Creek, an area you and Joel switched off on patrolling. You’d found the place when you went off-path during your first summer patrol, deeming it as another little hidden gem of Jackson County. Over the years, you grew fond of it and made it a point to frequent it whenever beyond the walls, but you hadn’t been yet this season.

“Uh, yeah– Yes– Sure.”

You didn’t know what had gotten into him in the last few minutes, but you couldn’t deny that you enjoyed seeing him all flustered and not being able to keep eye contact with you. How the tables turned for once.

“I’ll be ready to head out in ten.” You began to head towards the stairs for your room, but stopped at his side and placed your hand on his shoulder, curling your fingers over the muscle, “Don’t keep me waiting.”

A grin adorned your face as you walked away, leaving Joel to hang onto the sensation that burned his skin where you touched him and force himself to calm down from the excitement growing in his pants. He hadn’t really known what he’d just gotten himself into with you, and you were pleasantly surprised at his answer as you half-expected him to come up with some reason to not go.

But one thing was clear to you both: It was definitely not a date.

Your hands draped near the straps of his pack by his hips as you rode out, brushing against his belt and jeans every so often. It wasn’t a difficult route by any means; fairly smooth and clear of any obstructions.

Being the passenger gave you the opportunity to be immersed by your surroundings rather than having to focus in front of you. You got to pay attention to the small things, like the rhythmic beat of the horse’s hooves against the ground and the scent of pine mingled with the earthy aroma of the forest. The trees towered above you, their branches forming a natural canopy that filtered the sunlight, casting dappled shadows on the trail. Every so often, the trees would give way to open meadows, where wildflowers swayed in the gentle breeze.

When you weren’t being captivated by nature, your attention was drawn back to Joel. The heat had caused his hair to curl at the nape of his neck that was slicked with sweat, seeping into the collar of his dark gray shirt that stretched across his shoulders and back with more splotches of sweat. Now and then, you’d get a glimpse of his profile when he scouted around. You felt like a teenager getting to hang out with her crush that she’d had since elementary school, your stomach doing flips just from the proximity alone.

The ride itself was filled with comfortable silence, punctuated by moments of look there and did you see that? with every passing mile. You could get used to this– having these little outings together.

You could hear the rushing water before you could see it, the sound of it growing louder and louder until it finally came into view. When the landscape presented itself before you, you felt a child-like thrill growing in your chest. The clear water shimmered with a vivid turquoise hue that seemed almost unreal, partnered with tall limestone walls that framed the lake. Smaller stone structures and boulders formed near the base of the waterfall, enticing you to explore and conquer their heights again like you’d done in the past. The vegetation extended all around the area, mosses and ferns clung to the rock walls in a tapestry of greenery. It all gave you a sense of simultaneous exhilaration and peace.

Eager to get to the water, you dismounted from the horse before Joel could hitch it, causing him to call out after you in protest and watch you with a careful eye as he got everything situated. You stood at the mouth of the lake with your boots kicked off when he joined you, slowly following suit.

“So.. What do you wanna do now?”

With the heat, there was only one thing to do.

“Jump in.” You pointed to a ledge that was a considerable height up. “From there.”

He met where your finger signaled, then back to you with a quizzical look. “Don’t you reckon that’s a bit high?”

You shrugged your shoulders and threw a smile over your shoulder as you walked away from him, earning a scoff and one of his typical disapproving head shakes. His eyes stayed on you as you made your way, widening when you started to peel off your clothes piece by piece.

First off was your tank top, slipping it effortlessly over your head, then the undoing of your belt and shimmying out of your jeans. You’d stripped down to only a sports bra and underwear, both of which happened to match, which was very much unplanned. Through each removal of clothing, Joel couldn’t help but have his eyes glued to you. He became restless, running his hands through his hair and turning around just to face back to you because he simply couldn’t keep his eyes off you. And when you looked back at him, you felt a little boost of confidence in seeing how he kept his attention on you.

You ascended the rocks, reaching your desired spot and standing proudly, waving your arms above your head at a miffed Joel. The air was filled with a refreshing mist, carrying the fragrance of damp earth and the invigorating energy of the cascading waterfall. The lake below you offered a new perspective on how high you really were, and for a second, you considered that Joel was maybe right.

But fuck it.

Your legs propelled you forward, curling up as you plummeted, and your shouts of joy drowned out by the thunderous roar of the falls. The water engulfed you, prickling your body with its cold touch. Submerged beneath the surface, you held onto the sensation of being weightless, listening to nothing but the ebb and flow of the currents and feeling them weave through your fingertips.

You emerged from the depths to the sun’s warmth on your face. When you refocused your vision, you saw that Joel was standing in the same spot as before, now with his arms crossed against his chest. You swam closer to the shoreline.

“Come on, water’s fine!” He shook his head. “It wasn’t a question, now get your ass in here, Miller!”

He rolled his eyes and huffed, shaking his head once more before pulling off his shirt by the collar and tossing it aside with his boots and pack, and despite being in the freezing water, you flooded with heat at the sight of him. You’d only seen him in small increments when tending his wounds, but now you could finally know what he looked like underneath those damned clothes.

Just as you suspected, his shoulders were strong with muscle, and the prominent veins in his hands and forearms traveled upwards through his biceps. His chest and abdomen were toned and had an even layer of hair, and you basically drooled at the definition of his hips and the trail of hair leading down that was secured by a belt. Beyond his attractive features, though, you saw his scars of survival. His torso littered with healed lesions, many of which you cared for, and a significant mark near his side that reflected the time of his near-death.

“Don’t splash me now, alright?” He stifled a laugh as he undid his belt, which took all your self-control to not watch his hands and think ungodly things. Once he stripped down to his boxer briefs, he stepped further into the lake, wincing at the coldness as he got deeper. When the water reached his thighs, he sucked in a sharp breath and hissed, “Shit- That’s cold.”

You were too busy gaping at how muscles tensed and contorted to make a stupid remark. He delved deeper into the lake until he fully submerged himself, surfacing quickly and shaking out his hair, which was doing things for you. In all the years you spent with him, you didn’t think that he could possibly get more attractive, nor did you think that you’d ever be like this right now, yet here you were.

In what was supposed to be a little fun getaway from all the stresses of the world, you found yourself seriously lusting for him in this moment, which was a stress all on its own. You were alone in a very much secluded area, only an article of clothing or two away from being naked, moreover. The very thought sent you over the edge, making you physically ache where you wanted him the most. How easy it’d be to just close the distance and get lost in him for hours.

The fact that you couldn’t do that, though, pained you viscerally. You couldn’t keep looking at him, or else you’d do something stupid, so you closed your eyes and spread your limbs out to drift on your back. You focused on your breathing, honing in on how your body bobbed with each inhale and exhale and letting the water guide you in any direction.

The next few hours were spent floating, challenging Joel to swimming races, and jumping off the rocks to see who could make the bigger splashes. You found yourselves in lots of banter and bickering, especially when you did a flip off of a ledge and Joel was very displeased that you could’ve hit your head. All you could feel was pure, unadulterated happiness. Together, you were having fun. Real fun. Enjoying each other’s company and nature’s playground.

A while after you returned to drifting on your backside, an unfamiliar sensation across your back and thighs caused you to flail and frantically look around. Sheer panic rose as you realized that you’d drifted off into the deeper end, and you tried to calmly but quickly thrust yourself back into shallow waters.

“Somethin’ got you scared?” Joel had been awfully calm with an arrogant grin on his face, and his laughter rung out clear in the air as he watched you go through the motions of panic, confusion, and finally disdain.

You feigned indignation. “Don’t be a dick.”

Once your feet touched the solid floor, you waded and found a spot to sit in the safety of the shallows, pulling your knees up and resting your arms on them. As Joel drew in to join you, you watched as the water lapped at his waist, drawing your attention to the band of his boxer briefs that seemed to hang dangerously low on his hips and how they clung to him in a way that’d have all the women in Jackson ready on their knees for him. His body swayed with a subtle rhythm and cadence that was uniquely his; full of purpose and so.. virile. You averted your gaze to the sediment of where you sat in an attempt to rid yourself of the thoughts you were having.

The clearness allowed you to examine its composition of pebbles and rocks of all kinds, and you picked up handfuls of them to admire their different qualities, quickly getting wrapped up in recognizing unique patterns and markings. Joel watched as you threw the ones you didn’t like further into the lake, like it was a process of elimination until you found the best one.

When you liked one, you wordlessly handed it to him without taking your attention away from the ones in front of you. There was a serene grace in your actions, as if you were entrusting him with something fragile and precious, and he took notice of the care in which you handled each stone. He’d give it a once over, his fingers gliding over the surface, before dropping it back into your hand. There was something about you doing this, yielding to human nature’s innocent curiosity, that made it so much more than just a seemingly mundane exchange to him.

Your eyes met his briefly, and you saw he was truly relaxed from how the hard lines of his face were softened. The sun shone on him in where you could really see the depths of his eyes; the green-gold that seeped into a lighter brown around his pupil, creating the most beautiful iris structure you’d ever seen. His skin held a perpetual tan with freckles all over his shoulders, a feature that you weren’t necessarily familiar with. Waves and curls formed near his ears and forehead as his hair dried, most of it disheveled and left you wanting to run your fingers through to tame it. Your eyes drifted to his body for a moment, overly cognizant of how much bigger he was compared to you. With a tinge of a smile, you turned back to your little stones, gently placing them back in the water in a decision to leave them where they belonged.

“As much as I’ve enjoyed this,” Joel’s voice filled the silence, “we should get goin’ soon. Promised Tommy I’d swing by to help set up a couple things.”

You hummed in acknowledgment. If there was one thing about Joel, it was that he always showed up for Tommy, no matter how big or small it was. Even if it was a five-minute task or a project that Tommy was entirely capable of doing on his own, Joel was always there. You had that in common with him, back when you had your brother.

As you were about to stand, Joel hovered over you with an extended hand. You clasped it with your own as you gained your balance, but when doing so, your eyes caught a glimpse of something slithering right under your feet. You yelped at the sight, tightening your grip around his hand, and he instinctively pulled you to him, wrapping a protective arm around your waist while acting as a shield between you and the potential danger. He scanned the water, catching on to what you saw: a plains garter snake.

At the sound of his chuckle, you braced yourself against his chest in confusion as his arms were still around you. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s not-” he loosened his hold, but his hands still splayed over your waist. “It’s harmless, nothin’ to worry about.”

“Oh.” You bowed your head forward in relief and slight embarrassment, and a faint smile played at his lips. Your hands were still on each other, almost as if you were trying to play it out as long as possible until either you pulled away or he did, which winded up being the former. You drew back to yourself, stepping backwards as he released you. “Thanks.”

You both retrieved your belongings and set up on a flat bed of rock to dry out, another comfortable silence enveloping you once again as you bathed in the warmth. With your arm slung over your eyes, you could only sense Joel’s presence beside you. You slid your arm up to peer at him, his eyes fixed on the lake. His legs were drawn towards his chest with his forearms on his knees, his chest rising and falling in calm breaths. There was a peacefulness in his expression, a sense of contentment that mirrored your own. You smiled before covering up again, but he caught you at the last second.

“What’re you thinkin’ about over there?”

You brushed off his question. “Who says I’m thinking?”

“If there’s one thing about you, it’s that you’re never not thinkin’.” You sat up at the accusatory words, arching your eyebrows in disbelief. “Go on now, don’t keep me in suspense.”

“I..” a grin spread on your face, “..was thinking about how much fun your shift must’ve been with Fitz yesterday.”

You giggled as he let out a groan, successfully diverting away from where the conversation was leading. “Oh, it was a fuckin’ shift alright– and I don’t wanna talk too much about work, but he shouldn’t be bothering you anymore.”

You faced him and leaned back on your hand, eyeing him, “Joel, what did you-”

“I took care of it.” He left no room for you to speak, his voice stern. He softened a moment after once he realized how it came out a little too sharp. He lowered his attention down to his hands, rubbing his thumb into his palm, “..Not s’pose to treat a woman the way he does, especially when it’s you.”

A moment came and went in where it looked like he regretted his words, fearing that he may have revealed too much, or maybe not enough. But what you felt was incomparable to anything you’d ever felt before, hearing him tell you– blatantly admit to you that he regarded you differently than other people, and that if someone crossed you, they were crossing him too. You always knew he had your six, but this was different than that.

“Why didn’t you tell me he was doin’ that? Or Tommy?”

Those dumb, beautiful eyes conveyed a genuine concern that immediately made you feel guilty for not saying something sooner when you very well could’ve. At the same time, you didn’t want to fuss or make a big deal out of it. It was better that it was you than someone else, like Joel. So you tolerated it, because you were still able to do your job even with an annoying fucking twat as your partner.

“I never took him seriously. I thought he’d just stop if I ignored it enough, but.. clearly not.” You gave a half-suppressed laugh, knowing how ridiculous and naive it sounded out loud. He sighed at your answer, making you fidget, “I know! I know. You’re right– it was stupid of me-”

“Sweetheart–” his hand on your leg and delicious southern drawl shut you right up, “nothin’ stupid about you tryin’ to keep the peace. Just.. let me know next time, okay?”

All you could do was nod, dumbfounded by this new, open protectiveness towards you. He knew better than anyone else how you could handle yourself, but he still couldn’t help but feel that it was his job to keep you safe and be your advocate when you weren’t your own.

Without another word, he rose and offered you a hand up, indicating that enough time had passed and you should get going if you were going to be on time for the party. You accepted the gesture again, but he held your hand longer this time as he guided you down the rocks so that you wouldn’t trip, a chivalrous act that also gave an excuse to linger on your skin.

A hot shower was what you needed to scrub the freshwater off your skin and out of your hair, also to give you some much needed relief from having to control yourself the whole time you were with him, but of course you did that after he left since you shared his bathroom.

The sun dipped lower in the sky, casting a golden glow over Jackson. The vibrant energy of the evening pulsed through the town, the streets alive with people as they made their way to the most popular establishment, laughter and music floating through the air. You’d gone through about four outfits before ultimately deciding on a ribbed henley tank, jeans, and sneakers

Just before running out the door, you checked yourself in the mirror to smooth any stray hairs away from your face. With a smile, you stepped out, falling in with your neighbors who’d been on their way over as well, engaging in conversation on the short walk there. There’d been a crowd gathered outside the Tipsy Bison, people mingling and sharing stories, some already on their second round of drinks.

Through the doors you were immediately greeted by a wave of warmth and liveliness. Your eyes danced around the bar, jumping from full booths and high tables, to the large alcohol selection behind the counter guarded by about three barkeeps if you were counting right. The air was filled with a thousand different scents, ranging from beer and cigarettes to perfume and aftershave. And lastly, the sounds which brought it all together, the clinking of glasses and hum of conversation, and of course, music. Your music that people were enjoying.

Searching the crowd, you spotted familiar faces and friends scattered throughout the place, engrossed in their own circles, but the one person you actively sought out was nowhere in sight. Your efforts slowed as you heard a picking of chords grow louder over the speakers, causing a wild smile to grow on your face.

♫

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone Turned on some music to start my day I lost myself in a familiar song

♫

“I closed my eyes and I slipped awaaay!” Tommy appeared at your side two shots in one hand and unopened beers between his fingers in the other, slinging the arm around your shoulder as he pushed the small glass into your hands.

Without hesitation, you threw the shot back with him, feeling the instant burn go down your throat. You both popped off the beer caps off a nearby counter, a party trick you’d gotten quite good at over the years, before rushing over to the middle of the floor to join the rest of the party and sing your hearts out to your first song of the night. You could barely hear yourself over the speakers and fellow singers, saving you from the embarrassment from being incredibly off-key. Your body reacted instantly to the music, finding the rhythm and constantly moving in accordance. That was the other thing about music, you felt most comfortable in your skin when you listened and danced to it, being able to fall in with whatever played. In between the verses, you hurried over to the bar to grab more shots and beers, slamming doubles back before pulling each other back to the floor.

You and Tommy locked arms and pressed back to back while holding up your bottles in a toast-fashion, switching off during the last chorus and refrain and holding out the longer notes.

♫

It’s more than a feeling (More than a feeling!)

When I hear that old song they used to play (More than a feeling!)

I begin dreaming (More than a feeling!) ...

♫

The alcohol was slowly but surely taking over, a key indicator being the warm, fuzzy buzzing that flourished throughout your body. You clung to Tommy’s shoulder and leaned towards his ear during a break between songs, “Tommy, this is way better than I thought it was gonna be!”

He looked at you with wide eyes and a grin, “I know right! Joel really helped pull it together before we opened the doors!”

You smiled at the compliment towards his brother, then furrowing your brows. “Where is he, anyway?”

You both looked around for a moment before Tommy steered you off to the side, yelling that it was too hard to see from the middle, and your efforts were put on pause again as you winded up near a large group of patrolmen that grabbed Tommy’s attention. He dragged you with him to socialize, though you mainly watched from the outskirts of the circle, smiling and nodding along where the conversations went as you didn’t have much to say or add.

When you went to drink from your bottle, you noticed the lightness of it and realized that you needed another, giving you the perfect excuse to slip away and look for him. You checked over your shoulders as you squeezed your way through to the bar to request your next drink, and it didn’t help that the room was dimly lit and was accompanied by flashing strobes.

The barkeep slid you a bottle across the counter and you swiftly popped it off, taking a swig before turning around right into somebody. An apology flew out of your mouth before you could even see who it was, their voice catching your attention and making you look at them.

“Hey, no worries! Both still got our drinks, yeah?”

Samson flashed you a grin, his hand light on your arm but enough to keep you steady. You raised your beer to him, his eyes flickered between it and you before raising his own and tapping the neck of your bottles together. You both took another swig.

As you got into conversation, you moved away from the bar towards the wall where there wasn’t much action going on. You talked about how nice the place had been transformed for the night and shared your favorite drinks, occasionally dropping a drunk-story from your youths. And the weird part? You found yourself genuinely enjoying his presence. With the way he kept eye-contact with you and made you feel like he was actually listening and comprehending the words falling out of your mouth, laughing and giving you verbal cues that he was following along, it made you see him in a way you hadn’t before.

You were.. enchanted. If it had been any other man, they’d dominate the conversation, going on about themselves the whole time and forcing you to listen. But with Samson, he treated you like an equal. He never cut you off or interjected to relate, waiting until you were entirely done or if you allowed him to weigh in between your thoughts.

“By the way–” he wiped his mouth of any residual beer, “I don’t want this to come off as weird, but you look incredible tonight. I don't think I’ve ever seen you dress in anything other than like, work clothes– and not that you look bad in that!” You giggled as he tripped over his words, his cheeks flushing a deeper shade. “What I’m trying to say is that I think you’re very beautiful, and I don’t want you to think I’m like Fitz.”

Your fingers brushed against his arm, furrowing your eyebrows at him for thinking such things, “Awh, Samson! You’re nothing like him, I hope you know that.”

He smiled down at his feet before back at you, “I know the other day you said that you and Joel weren’t a thing, and Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody– so I guess I’m just triple checking here– is there someone in the picture?”

So this was who Tommy was playing matchmaker for.

Your heart slowed and you fought to keep the innocent smile on your face. Was he approaching you at the bar when you bumped into him? Was he pretending to act like that just to segue into this? Several things ran through your mind as your eyes drifted away from his, and just when he was about to call you back to attention, the devil himself appeared: Tommy.

He swooped in around Samson’s shoulders, nursing a beer in hand. He held a smugness in his demeanor, surely you thought it was about the scene he’d set up until he spoke.

“Looks like you may have a roommate for the night.”

He jerked his hand behind him to a woman leaning against a pillar with Joel standing mere inches in front of her. He stood still with his hands to himself, but dropped his head closer to hers with a clear smile on his face. She beamed up at him with a look you knew all too well, not even attempting to conceal her attraction to him. She laughed too much for your liking while gripping his bicep, probably sneaking in some flirty comment with a double-meaning. Good fucking God.

You thought maybe you had a breakthrough at the lake, but this proved that you clearly didn’t, and you couldn’t believe you were stupid enough to think that what he said had any depth underneath it. Joel cared about you– this you knew. He cared in the same way he cared for Tommy and Ellie. But somewhere along the lines you’d gotten it confused with love, something he had for them, but maybe not you. Samson’s words replayed in your head in a painful reminder.

You said you and Joel weren’t a thing… Tommy told me you weren’t seeing anybody.. Is there someone in the picture?

Your eyes widened then narrowed, your jaw wiring shut as your chest began to heave. Tommy’s grin fell as he watched your features morph into something between resent and heartbreak, his eyes nervously peering from you, to Joel, to Samson as the alcohol took a momentary backseat.

He’d always sensed something between you and Joel after you settled in, though he knew that neither one of you would ever admit to your feelings for each other out of stubbornness. But he saw the way Joel looked at you after saying you didn’t have someone to call your own this morning, how his big brother almost looked offended by the truth of your answer. The reality was that Samson was interested in you, but Tommy had seen it as an opportunity to put pressure on the status between you both, and now he saw that it didn’t go in the direction of which he hoped and it was clearly affecting you.

“Oh, y’know he won’t take ‘er home! Never’s taken anyone. Not like that with him. Too chickenshit.” He tried his best to play off his earlier comment to put you at ease, but by the way the gap seemed to be closing between them only made the green-eyed monster rear its ugly head in full force.

You cleared your throat as you broke away, grabbing three shots off a nearby high table and handing them to the two men before you, needing to wash down the bitter taste in your mouth. “Oh, Tommy, you must’ve mistaken me for someone who cares. Who knows if I’ll even be going home tonight?”

Samson’s face lit up in surprise as you wiggled your brows at him and grabbed his hand to lead away while leaving Tommy open-mouthed as he saw right through your spite. Breathless curses left his mouth as he watched you disappear through the crowd, a frustration growing towards you and Joel for being so goddamn stupid about each other.

The barkeeps fed you two more shots and another beer. The alcohol was definitely hitting now. A few minutes ago, you were properly pissed off, wanting to storm up to Joel and give him a piece of your mind and telling the woman to go kick rocks, but now you were all over Samson, turning up the charm for him. It didn’t matter anymore if he just wanted to fuck, because maybe you’d just let him. He let out a chuckle and smiled, prompting you to tilt your head at him in question.

“The music tonight has been so fucking good,” he drank from the bottle, a smirk forming on your face, “I mean, when was the last time you heard this song?”

The bass riff and guitars let you know exactly what song had been playing, a long-time favorite of yours. You could’ve answered 'a couple months ago' to his question, but you took silent pride in knowing that he was another person impressed by your picks. He understood your cue as you turned your head to the middle of the room and back, placing his hand on the small of your back as you weaved through people. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder as he drew you closer to him by your waist, moving in sync to the beat.

♫

One of these nights One of these crazy old nights We're gonne find out pretty mama What turns on your lights ...

♫

If intimacy, yearning, and sex was a song, surely it’d be this one.

♫

Ooh.. someone to be kind to In between the dark and the light ...

♫

You sang out with your heart, pressing your body into Samson’s, but knowing the lyrics were about him. And deep down, you wanted him to hear it and think of you. Think of how you were the daughter of the devil himself and the angel in white, the woman he’s been looking for with a little of both and how she is in sight.

Around you were all couples reflecting exactly what you’d been doing, some doing more but your eyes didn’t linger on them long. You caught the faces of work friends and neighbors totally focused on their person as you swayed around, smiling at their fun. Eventually, the whole room sang along, an imperfect harmony to your ears that you couldn’t get tired of hearing tonight.

As the song winded down, Samson held you closer and craned his head down until your foreheads and noses were touching, still swaying to the guitar riffs. You took it a step further and pressed your mouth to his, your hand cupping his cheek and fingertips grazing his hair. You hadn’t expected anything out of it other than the feeling of your lips on someone else’s, but you didn’t pull away. You couldn’t. Your tongues found one another every other kiss, deepening as they went. His warmth kept you glued to him, and you found yourself taking a liking to his taste of alcohol and.. mint, maybe? Definitely something with an icy, refreshing hint.

You didn’t realize how long you’d been kissing, or kissing enough times that it was leading to straight-up making out, until you heard clear hoots and whistles during the switch between songs. When you pulled away, his lips were noticeably more plump compared to earlier, and the tingling sensation on yours let you know that they probably looked the same. You bit your bottom lip as you looked around at the ones cheering you on, the corners of your mouth curling up, but you broke out into a complete grin once you saw his face.

♫

Off with your head Dance til you're dead Heads will roll Heads will roll ...

♫

You’d almost tripped over your own two feet, discreetly looking over Samson’s shoulder from left to right to make sure you were seeing things right, and the excitement you felt when they were? Unmatched. And almost as if it’d been planned, the perfect song was playing.

If he’d been giving you or Samson a death-stare, you couldn’t tell, but either way, you loved seeing the scowl on his face. His fingers tightly curled around his beer that if he did it any tighter it’d break, the hard lines on his face prominent to you even this far away. You situated yourself to the side, giving him the perfect view as you brushed your nose against Samson’s, giving him your best doe eyes before melting into his mouth again, making sure that Joel could see the smile on your lips when you broke away and went back for more.

Your body winded up as the song progressed, building up to the drop and heavy riff. The strobe lights blinked quickly enough to cause a stroboscopic effect on everyone’s movement, perceiving them to move slower than they actually were. But when you looked back at Joel, he stayed completely still, his eyes locked on you between the several bodies that separated you from him. He looked so.. menacing.. that it made you shiver and throb. A wicked grin spread on your lips.

♫

Off, off with your head! Dance, dance til you're dead!

♫

Turning around, you pressed into Samson and grinded your backside into him. His hands were off you as quickly they were on you, frowning at the absence, you spun around and saw why: Tommy, again. You’d suspected something bad from the way his gaze fell back and forth between you both and he had a strong hand on his shoulder, but were eased when Samson held up a finger to you and smiled.

As much as you wanted to dance, you also wanted another drink, the empty bottle in your hand now warm from holding it for so long. Sliding shoulders through the floor, you looked between the bar and the bathroom, choosing to make the pitstop before continuing on. Pushing in the door, you were relieved there wasn’t a line, darting into an open stall to squat and do your business. As you finished, another body entered the bathroom in heels that clicked and echoed until they stopped in front of the sink, to what you imagined was a woman checking her makeup. When you got out, you saw their reflection in the mirror– indeed they’d been checking their face, but it’d also been the woman that’d been smitten with Joel. You paid no mind to her other than your initial glance, ignoring her presence and harshly scrubbing the soap on your hands.

“That older Miller’s somethin’, ain’t he?” Your hands froze under the running water. “I only got a taste earlier, but I bet he’s real good in bed.”

The fuck does she mean she got a taste earlier?

Your face must’ve been showing too much of a reaction based on the stupid fucking smile on hers and a snobbish laugh. Not even bothering to dry off your hands with paper towel, you rubbed them against your jeans and threw the door open to leave, storming up to the bar and impatiently tapping your fingers against the wood as you waited.

Fuck her, and fuck Joel. And you know what? Fuck Tommy, too. If he hadn’t brought it to your attention, maybe you wouldn’t have seen it. Then you wouldn’t have downed one too many drinks and legitimately considered sleeping with someone as rebound off hurt feelings, and then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be feeling like all kinds of fucked up right now. You blinked back the burning in your eyes. Don’t cry. Don’t fucking cry over this right now.

The lights returned to their original dimness and calmed down on the strobes, allowing you to search around a bit easier for any of the three people you found yourself with most tonight, but had no luck. Samson and Tommy were out of sight, and you didn’t have the slightest idea of what he pulled Samson away for. As for Joel, he moved from the last spot you remembered him in, or was it over there? You shook your head. It didn’t take much contemplation to decide on going home, you had your fun, but it was over, and you were too far gone to spark it back up in any capacity.

You held your arms tight to your body as you embraced the cool air on the walk to Rancher Street, a fair distance from the Tipsy Bison. The lightness in your head caused you to stumble quite a bit, wishing that either your house was closer or that someone would’ve walked with you. Other times when you drank too much, though it didn’t happen very often, either Tommy or Joel were right there at your side to get you home safe, but you wanted to throw yourself in someone’s yard and pass the fuck out rather than be alone.

Stomping up the porch, you caught yourself on the doorknob last minute as you tripped, fumbling it open and pushing inside. You ungracefully dropped to your ass, tugging at the aglets of your laces in the dark until the knots came undone and kicked your shoes off. So focused on keeping yourself upright, you hadn’t noticed Joel staring at you while leaning against the entryway of the living room with his arms crossed.

“Wasn’t expecting you.” His tone was deep and flat. You scoffed as you got off the floor, face contorting as you mocked him.

“I live here, don’t I?”

“Alone, I meant.” You shook your head as you walked past him, but he grabbed your wrist and held you in place, feeling the heat of his glare on your back. “You gon’ tell me what the hell that was back there?”

You met his eyes over your shoulder. “That was me having a good time. Same as you with that lovely woman.”

“Bullshit.” He shot back. “That wasn’t the same.”

“Oh, please,” you scoffed while yanking your wrist back, turning into the kitchen and bracing yourself along the island, “s’hardly a difference.”

“Really?” He followed you, his frustration apparent in the way his jaw clenched. “‘Cause it sure looked like you were all over him tryin’ to prove somethin’.”

You pointed at yourself, “I don’t have anything to prove to anybody!” you snapped, the words coming out slow but loud, “And if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re jealous.”

His eyes darkened, slowly taking a step towards you, “I am not-”

“Then what the fuck is wrong?” You staggered around the island on the emphasis of the curse, throwing your hands up, “I didn’t do a damn thing, and you’re losing your fucking head!”

“You didn’t– Wow.” A wry laugh came out his mouth. He waved you off, his tone dripping with bitterness. “I ain’t gotta explain myself to you.”

“And neither do I!” You retorted in defiance, your arms grandly gesturing. Your cheeks were hot with anger now, more so than before. “I can do whatever the hell I want, Joel! I don’t need your fucking permission!”

He dragged a hand down his face, turning away from you before whipping around and meeting you at the end of the island, raising his voice at you. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re insufferable!” you seethed as you pushed his chest, his hands seizing your wrists, “Acting like you have some fucking claim over me when we’re not even together!”

The silence after your outburst was deafening.

His anger faltered as a flash of pain crossed his face, quickly making your own frustration subside. The hard lines on his face deepened, a slight frown and somberness settling upon it. His grip on your wrists remained firm, but there was a hint of vulnerability in his touch. You wanted to blame the alcohol for making you so mean, but it was really the floodgate of feelings that’d been repressed for far too long.

You huffed, “Joel, I-” he interrupted you by tearing his eyes away from yours and releasing your wrists.

The pang in your chest was unmistakable. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. This was the part where everything was supposed to come out, to confront the truth of your feelings, but instead he was backing away, retreating and shutting down that conversation before it could even begin. You said his name again, but he simply raised his hand and continued to walk out of the kitchen.

Fuck– No. No, no, no. Your dejection passed and your temper flared up again. No, he doesn’t get to just walk away.

“Joel!” You called out, your voice tinged with frustration and desperation, “Joel, stop!”

But he didn’t. He kept walking, putting more distance between you and fueling your determination. Your heart was pounding as you quickened your pace to catch up with him upstairs, his arm just out of reach before he slammed his door in your face. He didn’t respond when you pounded on the door and demanded for him to come out, your temper mixing between anger and hurt.

“Screw you, Joel! I’m so tired of this– whatever the fuck this is!” Your voice trembled, feeling a punch to the gut when you remembered an obnoxiously accurate point he’d made to you once before. “I-I fucked up– but people do things when they’re scared!”

Your eyes stung, and it hadn’t dawned on you yet that you were potentially jeopardizing everything by blabbering off, but you couldn’t stop now.

“I can’t- Fuck-” a ruined sigh forced itself out your lungs, your thoughts moving too fast for you to comprehend, “If you’re gonna break my heart, do it now, because I can’t-”

You didn’t know when he’d opened the door and stepped out, but you stopped your rambling as soon as you saw him. The silence fell heavy, the only sound being his boots stepping towards you until his chest was nearly touching yours and his breath fanned over your skin. Your eyes darted around his face, from his eyes, to his nose, lips, beard, and back to his eyes again. Just the slightest inch forward and you’d be touching him, the fact making you shiver and fiercely pulse between your thighs.

Your heart ached when you saw the raw emotion in his eyes– an amalgamation of sadness, yearning, lust, and tenderness– all things you grew to be familiar with when you found yourselves running in circles. You couldn’t stand the way his eyes flickered between yours and how his warm hands were slowly reaching up to cup your face. And how you could now feel his chest pressed against yours. And how his lips parted. And that fucking look on his face.

“Joel,” you quavered, “don’t..”

But he knew.

A soft, broken breath escaped you as it was all suddenly becoming too real, reaching the point of no return.

“Don’t look at me like that unless you mean it.”

His lips crashed into yours.

[shannendoherty-fans]

December, 1993 - Magazine clipping

SHANNEN DOHERTY

The unpredictable Beverly Hills, 90210 star took a riveting walk—make that a breathless sprint—on the wild side

That tittering you hear is from Santa's workshop, where oneof the elves has laid his hands on a printout of the naughty list and is sharing it with his coworkers. “The Fat Guy has Shannen Doherty down for a couple lumps o' coal,” he giggles. The other elves nod knowingly.

Surely this comes as no surprise to those of us who follow such things, nor, perhaps, to Doherty herself. Shannen, already known for feuding with her 90210 costars and for late-night partying at L.A. clubs, slam-danced her way through '93 with a recklessness usually associated with self-destructive politicians and Shakespeare’s characters but certainly not with 22-year-old actresses who play teenagers on TV. Why our fascination? Probably because Shannen’s TV character, Brenda Walsh, is so normal compared with her hell-bent portrayer

Whatever the reasons, you couldn't miss the hydra-headlines. Cosmetics heir Dean Factor, Shannen’s ex-fiancé, claims that during their engagement last spring, Shannen tried to run him over with her car, menaced him with a gun and threatened to hire thugs to beat him up and sodomize him. He filed for a protection order, but they settled out of court. That brief if tumultuous relationship gave way to a short but action-packed fling with Judd Nelson.

She also wrote $31,628.16 in bad cheeks and owed $14,000in back rent. Then in September—hell's bells! —she impulsively married George Hamilton's 19-year-old son, Ashley, an acquaintance of a few weeks and recentIy out of drug rehab. It was days before her publicist was able to confirm that Shannen, who celebrated her impromptu nuptials in the backyard of her Santa Monica Mountain home, actually had married, license and all.

Then she went on Saturday Night Live and, in mock wedding video, pushed Ashley into the cake.

Anyone at this point care to venture an explation? (1) Carol Potter, Shannen’ TV mom: “She has knack for keeping her face out there, for being just outrageous enough.” (2) A former pal: “She gets this power surge going where she feels she can do aything to anyone at any time and get away with it.” (3) New mother-in-law Alana Stewart: “She's so high-profile, everything gets blown out of proportion. I like her, She's spunky.” (4) Chicago Realtor Chris Foufas, who preceded Factor as her fiancé: “Shannen wants anormal life, to love and be loved, to ive happily ever after. She just doesn’t know how to get it.”

Let's hope she finds some answers in '94. But Santa, keep the coal coming anyway. On or off the small screen, Shannen is at her most entertaining when she’s naughty.

(I had this file saved as December 27, 1993, People magazine, but People magazine were in black and white back then so I don't think it is. Also it talks about Santa Claus' elves so I think it may was published before December 24?)

***

This is the last 1993 magazine/article that I have (in English). I've tried to put only the ones that are not tabloids. The ones that Shannen herself, her dad, or close people like her ex Chris Foufas talked to. Still, as you can see, they write such lines as the last one. You can clearly see the press needed their "bad/lost girl" after Drew Barrymore got sober, and chose Shannen because she was strong and confident. I just want that everyone reads them and thinks what this can do to a 20/22-year-old person. Luckily they didn't break her although they almost did. Still, they did it with Lindsay Lohan, Miley Cyrus, Rose McGowan, etc. Shame on them! Shame on the tabloids, and the old-white-men dominating Holywood establishment!

[dottielovegood]

Ugly Christmas sweater and Elriel, please. 💕

Okay, this one is a bit sillier than most of my fics but I hope you like it anyway!

(Did I spend 30 minutes looking at Ugly Christmas sweaters online before writing this? Yes. Yes I did.)

Here's the inspiration:

───── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ─────

Meowy Christmas

“If we don’t leave right now, we are going to be late.”

For once in his life, Azriel was running late and Cassian was waiting on him by the door, impatiently stomping his foot. In his defense, Azriel had been stuck in traffic for almost an hour after work. As soon as the first snow fell over Velaris, traffic jams were bound to happen, which is why he was now running late to Feyre’s birthday party. 

“I’m coming,” Azriel muttered and smoothed down his hair once last time. He looked down at his black trousers and the gray pullover. It’ll have to do, he thought and opened his bedroom door. Cassian was now pacing the hallway, already wearing his boots and jacket.  

Azriel rolled his eyes. “I’m like two minutes behind schedule. Chill.” He reached for his jacket by the door but Cassian stopped him with a hand around his wrist. 

“What are you wearing?” Cassian asked, sounding very close to horrified. 

Azriel looked down again, expecting to see an enormous stain somewhere. But no, everything looked just as it had a minute ago. 

“Where’s your Christmas sweater?” Cassian asked before Azriel even had the chance to open his mouth to answer. 

“My what?”

“Your Christmas sweater,” Cassian repeated, as if those words would bring any clarity to this situation. “The ugly Christmas sweater Feyre asked us to wear to her birthday party. Please, don’t tell me you forgot.”

Azriel’s brows drew together in confusion. “Feyre said nothing about wearing ugly Christmas sweaters.” 

“Yes, she did.”

Azriel shook his head. “I guess I didn’t get the memo.” Once again, he reached for his jacket. “Let’s just go.”

And once again, Cassian blocked him. “We are not leaving until you go and put on the sweater Feyre asked you to wear. It’s her birthday, Azriel. It’s the least you can do.”

Azriel threw out his hands in frustration. “Yeah, well. I don’t have a Christmas sweater and all the shops are closed at this time. I think she’ll forgive me.”

Cassian snorted. “You clearly don’t know Feyre. She said that she wouldn’t even let us in unless we wore one. It’s a freaking Ugly Christmas Sweater party, for crying out loud.”

Azriel let out a breath. He actually thought that he knew Feyre very well. She had been dating one of his best friends, Rhys, for a little over a year now and since Cassian and Rhys were more like brothers than friends, he did spend quite a lot of time with them. And for the last year, that also meant spending time with Feyre. Azriel absolutely didn’t mind. He liked her. Out of all the girls Rhys had been with, Feyre was definitely Azriel’s favorite. And from the way Rhys looked at her, he could tell that she was Rhys’s favorite too. She really had that man wrapped around her finger. 

Azriel tried to remember Feyre ever telling him about this stupid sweater thing, but he just came up blank. But then again, he had been very stressed during the last couple of weeks and sometimes he was only half-listening to what people were saying to him. So maybe she had told them and he had just been too preoccupied to remember that small detail. It didn’t matter, though, because Azriel didn’t have a Christmas sweater laying around. He didn’t even have anything more colorful than the gray button up he was currently wearing. 

“So, show me your sweater then since you find it so important,” he said and gestured to Cassian’s jacket.

Cassian grinned at him. “Oh, no. Definitely not. I am planning on winning the Ugly Christmas Sweater competition and I am not showing you mine. That’s cheating.”

Azriel really didn’t understand Cassian’s reasoning, but they also didn’t have time to stand here and discuss this. “Well, fine. That doesn’t solve the fact I don’t have a sweater. So congratulations, you’ll win and I will be kicked out. Let’s go.”

“Well,” Cassian began, a mischievous grin on his lips. “I do have a few extra sweaters. You can wear one of those.”

“You have more than one ugly Christmas sweater?”

Cassian shrugged. “I needed options. I obviously picked the best one for myself, but you can choose between the other two.”

Azriel glanced at his watch. They really needed to go and he hated being late. “Fine,” he bit out. No sooner than the word had left his mouth, Cassian, quite literally, ran to his room and returned with two knitted monstrosities. Azriel couldn’t see the details yet, but the colors were enough to make him want to puke. Red and gold and green and… was the glitter? 

Cassian handed him one of the sweaters and Azriel held it up in front of himself. “Oh, fuck no, Cass.” The sweater was red and there was a giant Christmas tree on the front. But that wasn’t the worst part. The tree was decorated with tiny baubles, tinsel and something that looked like real lights, and above it, the white letters read “LET’S GET LIT.” 

“It lights up,” Cassian exclaimed. “Look.” He pressed the star atop the Christmas tree. Azriel almost let go of the sweater in pure horror. 

“Fuck, no.” He repeated. 

“Well, it’s either that one or…” he held up the other sweater in front of his own body, “this one.” A shit eating grin spread across Cassian’s face and it took Azriel a few seconds to even comprehend what he was looking at. 

“Is that…” Azriel turned his head sideways, “is that Jesus riding a reindeer?” 

“It sure is!” 

“For fuck’s sake Cassian, couldn’t you have gotten something remotely normal?”

“That’s the thing about ugly Christmas sweaters – they are supposed to be ugly. Now pick one.”

Azriel looked at the thing he was holding, shuddering at the mere thought of wearing something so horrendous. But then he looked at the fucking Jesus shirt, and that was, if possible, even worse. And why was Jesus wearing sunglasses? 

“Fine. I’ll wear this one,” he said and pressed the button on the star again to turn off the LED-lights. “But there will no fucking lights, okay?”

Cassian was still grinning. “Sure. Just put it on so we can go.”

Azriel gave him a vulgar gesture and walked back to his room to change. He didn’t even glance at the mirror. He didn’t want to see himself like this. 

Feyre better love it, he thought as he shrugged on his jacket. Luckily, they were all wearing these ugly things, which meant that no one would care that much about the atrocity he now hid underneath his jacket. He wondered what kind of sweater Elain would wear. Not that it mattered. She could wear the ugliest shirt ever made and would still be the most beautiful woman in the room. 

God, he really shouldn’t think of her like that, but there was no helping it. Elain was Feyre’s sister, which should make her off-limits but Azriel had fallen for her anyway. They had met a few months ago when Feyre and Rhys had invited everyone to a barbeque party and Azriel had almost forgotten his own name when Elain walked up to him and introduced herself. He felt drawn to her instantly and they had spent most of that night together on a picnic blanket. Nothing had happened between them, of course not. But just talking to her had felt so natural. So easy. And it was never easy for Azriel to make small talk, which is why his friend group looked exactly the same as it had in High School. When he made a friend, he kept them very close to his heart. He didn’t really feel the need to get to know more people. That is– until he met Elain. He really wanted to get to know Elain, and throughout the months, it felt as if they had gotten to know each other. He knew that she dreamt about owning a garden where she could plant flowers and vegetables. He knew that her favorite color was lilac and that her favorite move was My Girl. He knew that she had a great sense of humor and that she smelled like jasmine and honey. And he knew exactly what her fingers felt like when they brushed against his. 

They had never gone further than a longing glance or the tentative touch of fingers, but he wanted more. God help him, he wanted more. Sometimes, in the dead of night when sleep evaded him, he would think of her. Not in a sexual way, but he would think about what it would be like to take her on a date. To touch her. Kiss her. To call her his. 

He knew that he shouldn’t want her like that, but he couldn’t help it. But then again, he wasn’t the only one who was fawning after an Archeron sister. Cassian had never talked to Azriel about Nesta, but he could see the way he looked at her. The way he followed her every move. Even if they acted as though they loathed each other, Azriel knew that there was something else hidden beneath the surface, and it wasn’t hate. Far from it. 

Azriel couldn’t help but wonder if it would be odd if the three of them dated the three sisters. Maybe it would? But then again, it’s not like he had any control over his feelings. He didn’t choose to like Elain in that way, it just happened and now there was no turning back. She was under his skin and he had found that he really liked having her there. But now he wanted more, and he didn’t even know if that was possible. Did she even like him like that? He had no idea, and he was not about to make a fool of himself today by asking. Especially not while wearing a shirt that said ‘LET’S GET LIT’. He wouldn’t even be able to take himself seriously.

-----

Azriel was the designated driver since Cassian was known for spiking the eggnog. Azriel didn’t mind. He liked driving. He did not, however, enjoy the fact that Cassian saw that as an opportunity to decide what music to listen to. 

“If you play that fucking song one more time, I will drive us into a tree.”

Cassian laughed. “Who died and made you The Grinch? It's a tradition to listen to Mariah Carey in December.”

“Nobody needs to listen to that bloody song twelve times in a row,” Azriel muttered. It wasn’t the first time someone had called him the Grinch, and it would certainly not be the last. He found Christmas decorations tacky and the music was just… well, it was Christmas music. Azriel was absolutely positive that they played Christmas music in Hell. It would certainly lead to an eternity of torture, that’s for sure. 

When they pulled up to Rhysand’s townhouse a few minutes later, Azriel was pretty sure his ears were bleeding. Cassian really didn’t know how to hold a tune, and he could definitely not hit Mariah’s whistle notes, even though he tried. Multiple times. 

“Ready to lose the sweater contest?” Cassian asked as they walked up to the house. Cassian was carrying the presents they had gotten Feyre under his arm. Azriel had gotten her a biography on her favorite artist and Cassian had gotten her the ugliest christmas decoration Azriel had ever seen. It was an inside joke, apparently. 

“This is one contest I will be happy to lose.” And he meant it. Azriel was usually very competitive, but he couldn’t care less about winning this particular contest. 

Azriel knocked on the door and within seconds, he was greeted by Mor's smiling face. “You’re here!” she beamed and opened the door wider. “Come in, come in.” She was holding a glass of wine and from the redness of her cheeks, Azriel could tell that it wasn’t her first. 

“You started without us?” Cassian asked and gestured to her wine. 

“That’s what you get for being late.” 

Azriel looked at his watch. “We’re only fifteen minutes late. I’ve heard that all the cool people arrive at least 30 minutes late.”

“Well, I guess you're not particularly cool, then,” Feyre said, a playful smirk playing on her lips. She had just walked up behind Mor and she looked absolutely radiant in a dark blue dress covered in silver stars. 

Azriel opened his mouth to wish her Happy Birthday, but the words got stuck in his throat when he looked at her dress again. A dress. Not an ugly Christmas sweater. 

His eyes drifted to Mor and sure enough, she was wearing her signature red dress. But there was no Christmas-red near her. No blinking lights, no awful puns, no ugly santa. No Jesus riding a freaking reindeer. They were wearing normal clothes. 

Azriel glared at Cassian who was currently unzipping his jacket. Underneath, he was wearing a black, knitted sweater. Black. Not red. Not green. Not gold or fucking glitter. 

Black. 

“What are you wearing?” 

Cassian shot him a giant smile. “Oh, this one,” he put a hand to his chest. “It’s new. Do you like it? It was on sale and the....”

“Don’t play stupid,” Azriel said through gritted teeth. He was still wearing his jacket. He was going to wear this jacket for the rest of the night, even if that meant that he would drown in sweat. 

“Can I take your coat, Az?” Feyre asked a bit too sweetly. 

He narrowed his eyes at her. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m just offering to take your coat like a good hostess.” Her voice was sugary sweet and Azriel knew from the way they were all staring at him now that he had been betrayed. His friends had betrayed him. He was Jesus on a reindeer and they were Judas. 

They were all Judas and this fucking sweater was the kiss of betrayal. 

“I think I’ll keep it on, thanks.”

Rhys had joined them in the hallway now and he was smirking as he took a sip of the amber liquid in his glass. “It’s very warm in here, Az. We’ve got the fire going.”

Azriel could tell that they were all holding back their laughter. He let out a breath and counted to three just so he wouldn’t get the urge to strangle them all. “Can I borrow a shirt, Rhys?”

“Why? Did you spill on your way here?”

“No, but I would…”

“Oh, just take that damn jacket off,” Cassian all but shouted. 

Azriel had never liked being the center of attention and standing here in this hallway while all his friends watched him as if he was about to perform a magic trick made him feel all kinds of awkward. He loved his friends, but right now, they were all assholes. 

With a sigh, he reached for his zipper and he couldn’t help but notice the way Mor and Feyre held their breath when he started to tug it down. As soon as they saw a glimpse of the color of his sweater, Feyre started jumping up and down. “Yes!” she cried out and pointed to Rhys. “You owe me ten bucks. And a fancy dinner.”

Rhys just draped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. “I like being indebted to you, Feyre Darling,” he murmured and kissed the top of her head. 

When Azriel had opened his jacket fully, it was Mor’s turn to punch the air. “Yes! There’s glitter! Amren owes me a bottle of wine.”

Azriel just stared at his friends. Or, at the people he thought were his friends. Clearly, they were just a bunch of assholes. “You betted on me?” 

Cassian patted his shoulder. “That’s what you get when you miss Sunday dinner.”

“It was one time!”

“And that’s all it takes.”

“God, I hate you all.” Azriel muttered and walked past Cassian. “I need a drink. You can drive home, you asshat.”

“Azriel is about to get lit!” Mor shouted after him as he stalked to the kitchen. 

------

Azriel grabbed a glass from the kitchen counter and poured himself some red wine before walking further into the house. Feyre had invited quite a few guests and Azriel recognized maybe half of them. Viviane and Kallias were kissing underneath the mistletoe. Varian and Amren were talking to Tarquin. Nesta, Feyre’s sister, was standing by the Christmas tree with two of her friends. Azriel had met them once or twice before but he couldn’t for the life of him remember their names. There were so many people, but there was only one person he wanted to see. 

He scanned the room as he made his way over to the fireplace. One blond man Azriel didn’t recognize raised his glass and shouted “Hell, yeah! Let’s get lit, man,” from across the room. Azriel just frowned at him. He put his glass down on the mantle and crossed his arms over his body. Everyone else was dressed in normal clothes. Azriel stuck out like a sore thumb and he hated it. The sweater itself wasn’t that bad, but it was the attention that came with it that made him want to run out the backdoor. Azriel had always been one to keep to the shadows. He didn’t like attention. He didn’t want to be looked at. He just wanted to…be. Be left alone, preferably. 

He did not, however, want to be the only person wearing a weird outfit. But alas, that’s exactly what he was tonight and there was nothing to do about it. 

-----

A few minutes later, Cassian walked up to him. “Sorry,” he said, though he didn’t sound like he meant it. 

“And why are you sorry, Cassian?”

“Well, if I knew that a colorful sweater would turn you into a freaking emo, then I would…well, I would probably have made you wear it anyway. But this–” Cassian gestured to Azriel’s face, “really doesn’t match this,” he pointed at the ugly, knitted Christmas tree. “You need to cheer up. Get in the Christmas spirit.”

Azriel’s eyebrows drew together. “Did you just call me emo?” He hadn’t been called that since High School, and back then he actually was an emo kid. Side fringe, eyeliner, band t-shirts and a bad attitude - he had it all. 

Cassian shrugged, a smile playing on his lips. “Yeah. An emo that is about to get lit.” He raised his glass to Azriel in an attempt to make him smile, but Azriel just narrowed his eyes. He was already getting very tired of that joke. 

He gestured to the glass in Cassian’s hand, “You are driving later, remember?”

“Yeah, this is just soda. I didn’t even spike the eggnog.” 

Azriel was genuinely surprised. “What has happened to you? Did the ghost of Christmas past visit you last night? Did he make you think about all the bad choices you’ve ever made?”

Cassian let out a humorless laugh. “Something like that…” his eyes drifted over to the giant Christmas tree in the corner of the room. Azriel knew exactly what, or who, Cassian was looking at. Nesta and Cassian usually acted as if they hated each other, but anyone could see that there was something else burning beneath the harsh words and icy glares. Cassian let out a breath, “I just want to make a good tenth expression.”

Azriel gave him a tight smile and patted his shoulder. “The tenth time’s the charm.” 

“Right,” Cassian drained his glass and turned to face Azriel. “How do I look?”

Azriel shrugged. “You should have worn the Jesus sweater. Then her focus would be on something other than your stupid face.”

“Fuck you,” Cassian laughed. 

“Fuck you right back.”

Cassian put his glass next to Azriel’s on the mantle and took one last, deep breath – as if readying himself for what was about to come. He looked at Cassian as he approached Nesta and her friends and couldn’t help but cringe at the way Nesta glared at him. She was certainly a handful. Good thing that Cassian was nothing if not persistent. Azriel would have given up as soon as she looked at him with those cold eyes. They were nothing like Elain’s eyes. Elain was warmth and light – there was no coldness to any of her features. Sure, she could bite back when she needed to, but she usually met people with kindness and grace first. That was one of the many things he adored about her. 

Azriel leaned against the wall and let his gaze drift to the window. It was still snowing outside. Azriel had always loved the snow, even if he sometimes got stuck in traffic because of it. There was just something about the way it made the entire world brighter. 

“Hi.” 

A soft voice brought Azriel’s attention back to the party. He hadn’t even noticed that anyone had walked up to him. 

“Are you pondering the meaning of life?” Elain asked, a playful smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

“Always,” Azriel answered and returned the smile. 

God, she looked lovely. How did she become more beautiful every time he saw her? She was wearing her hair in some sort of half down, half up hairstyle that Azriel loved. One lock of hair had come loose and Azriel had to tighten his hands into fists to keep himself from reaching up and tucking it behind her ear. 

He took in the sight of her. She was wearing a short, black skirt, knitted tights and…

At first, Azriel couldn’t believe his eyes. He had to blink a few times, but no, it was real. She was really wearing that. 

“Shit, they got you too?” he asked and gestured to her sweater. It was almost as ugly as his. 

Elain blushed and looked down at herself. She was lovely when she blushed, Azriel thought to himself. She was always lovely, of course, even when she was wearing a shirt that said “Meowy Christmas”. The cat underneath the letters seemed to be staring into his soul. 

“Not exactly,” she said and met his gaze again. Her brown eyes were full of warmth and Azriel wanted to drown in them. God, he really had it bad for this girl. “I might have overheard Cassian and Feyre when they talked about the bet. I didn’t want you to feel lonely.” She pointed at his shirt. “It’s not as bad as I thought though. I heard Cassian say something about Jesus and a reindeer.”

Her laughter was like music to his ears. 

“Yeah, that was one of the options he gave me. I think I made a wise choice.”

“Definitely. I actually kind of like this one. Mine is definitely uglier!”

Azriel chuckled at that. “Oh, I’m not so sure about that. You haven’t seen the worst part.”

Elain raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Oh, now I’m intrigued.”

Azriel wouldn’t have pushed that damned button for anyone else, but just the thought of her smile made him raise his hand to that star atop the knitted christmas tree. He really had it bad for this girl. 

As soon as the multicolored lights turned on, Elain’s face lit up. “That doesn’t make it worse,” she laughed “That’s an improvement. Now the text makes sense.”

“I would still like to argue that my sweater should win the ugly sweater contest.” 

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that, Azriel.” The way his name sounded from her lips made him want to reach out and capture it with his mouth. He often thought about what she would taste like. What she would sound like if they ever…

No, he really shouldn’t think about that. Definitely not now when she was right there. 

“I have a secret weapon, too,” she smirked. She put her finger on the cat’s nose and Azriel tried not to think about the fact that he was currently looking right at her breasts. 

When she pushed down on the nose there was an unmistakable meowing sound. 

For a second, Azriel just stared at her. Then, as if he wasn’t in control of his body, he tipped his head back and laughed. He probably hadn’t laughed that hard in weeks. Under any normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have found a meowing sweater particularly funny, but the fact that she was standing there with a giant smile on her face while wearing that hideous sweater just made him feel all warm inside. And the fact that she had worn it for him only made the entire situation feel even more absurd. Absurdly great. 

“Meowy Christmas,” she said sheepishly, that lovely blush spreading across her cheeks again. 

“Okay,” Azriel said when he had calmed down, “you win.”

“I thought so,” she said and tossed her hair in a very Elle Woods kind of way. He blamed Mor for knowing that reference. “I did come to win, after all.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhm,” she nodded. “What’s my prize?”

Whatever you want, he wanted to say. Just ask, and I will give you everything. 

------

They stayed by the fire for a long time, just enjoying each other’s company. Elain told him that she had recently bought an allotment and she couldn’t wait for spring when she could finally plant all the flowers and vegetables she wanted to grow. Azriel had never cared much about flowers or growing vegetables, but he still loved hearing her talk about it. Her eyes were bright and she was gesturing wildly with her hands while she spoke. He could listen to her talk all night. 

“Do you want to get something to drink?” she asked after what could have been hours. He honestly had no idea. Time moved differently when he was with her. Azriel glanced at his forgotten wine glass and nodded. “Sure.” Together they walked to the kitchen and it was almost as if stepping into a different world. Everyone was scattered around the house but the kitchen was surprisingly empty. In here, the Christmas music and conversations sounded muffled.

Elain reached for the whisky and poured herself a decent amount. “Want some?”

“Sure, thank you.” He looked at the bottle and was pleased to find that it was the good kind. Rhys usually hid that one when he, Cassian and Mor came over.

Elain handed him his glass and leaned against the counter top. Azriel suddenly didn’t know what to do with his body so he just reached for one of the cupcakes on a tray on the kitchen island. He wasn’t even planning on eating it. It was just easier to control his body when he was holding things in both hands. And he would hopefully not be as tempted to touch her, which was a bonus. 

“I made those,” Elain said. “It’s gingerbread with white chocolate icing.”

He wasn’t surprised that she had baked something. She usually brought some sort of treat to every gathering she was invited to, and they were always amazing. So now he obviously had to eat one. 

While holding her gaze, he put down his glass and peeled the paper off the bottom of the cupcake before taking a big bite. He could feel the frosting get all over his nose, which would have made him slightly horrified if Elain hadn’t giggled at the sight. If she hadn’t stepped closer. If she hadn’t reached up…

With one slender finger, she wiped the frosting off his nose and put that same finger into her own mouth. He just stared at her. Stared at that finger between her lips. Stared at her tongue when she licked the last of the icing off. 

God, help him. This was torture. 

“So,” she popped that finger out of her mouth. “What did you think?” she asked, her expression one of pure innocence. As if she had no idea what she was doing to him. 

He swallowed. “Uh.. I,” he swallowed again. “It was delicious.” He had no idea if that was true. He had barely tasted that cupcake. He had been way too focused on her finger. On her mouth. Her lips, her tongue. Her. 

She was still smiling at him. Still looking all innocent. “I’m glad you like it.” Elain took a sip of her drink. 

“And what did you think?” he blurted out. He had no idea what he even meant. What did you think about the frosting? What do you think about the expensive whisky? What were you thinking when you sucked your finger in front of me?

The corner of her lips quirked up into a playful smile. “Well, I think…” she took one step closer to him. “That Feyre should have put up more mistletoe around the house.”

Did it suddenly get very warm in here? Yes, Azriel was sure that someone had just turned on every single radiator in the house. The house might even be on fire. 

“Yeah?” His voice sounded rougher than intended. “And why is that?”

He knew the answer even before the words left her mouth. He knew, but he needed to hear her say it. Needed to know that she felt the same. 

“Because maybe you would have kissed me by now.”

She was standing so close now. He could smell the sweet scent of her perfume, could count every eyelash, every freckle. And in that moment, there was nothing Azriel wanted more than to kiss her. To taste her. 

“Elain,” his voice was barely more than a whisper. He moved his hand to her neck and relished the feeling of her soft skin against his fingertips. She shuddered at his touch and Azriel needed more. Wanted. Needed. Craved. “There are many reasons why I would want to kiss you. I don’t need a plant to tell me what to do”

“So why haven’t you?” she breathed. 

Why hadn’t he?

Suddenly, the fact that he hadn’t kissed Elain yet seemed absurd. It seemed like it went against all logic, and he needed to rectify it right now. 

This time, it was Azriel’s turn to take a step toward her. He needed to feel her body against his. She looked up at him with those beautiful brown eyes and all he could see hidden there was offer and permission. He stroked his thumb over her jaw and leaned down…

Meow. 

Azriel jerked back at the sound. He stared at Elain and then at her sweater. Her meowing sweater. Elain also looked down at the ugly knitted cat as if she had forgotten all about it. “I’m sorry,” she said, her cheeks turning pink again. She had never looked more beautiful. 

“Don’t be.” His hand slid up her neck again, tilting her face just the way he wanted it. Her lips parted slightly and Azriel could almost taste her breath – whisky and white chocolate and all of his dreams coming true. “Meowy Christmas,” he murmured before closing the distance between them. Azriel could feel her smile against his lips and he had never felt happier than he did in this very moment. He buried his hand in her hair and she let out a soft moan that made him want to be anywhere but here in Rhysand’s kitchen. He wanted her in his home. In his bed. 

He wanted her coming on his tongue. He needed to know if every part of her tasted just as sweet. 

When Elain wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer, her sweater let out another muffled meow. 

Meowy Christmas, indeed. 

[tia-amorosa]

Sunset Died - The Loners

Part 2

Autumn took a few steps towards him. “Hey, what's wrong, you look so depressed”. Hank looked into the distance for a moment. “Pauline came to see me briefly this morning."/ ‘Oh… And what did she want?’/ ‘Nothing more than to tell me that I'm not the father of her child’/ ”aah… I see. And that bothers you now?”.

Hank shook his head quickly. “No… No, it doesn't bother me. I'm actually quite happy that it turned out like this. I just hope he turns out to be a good father"/ ‘I'm sure you would have been’ too/ ”yeah… Maybe I will be one day. Are you all right?” he asked her as he hugged her.

“mhm, I'm always fine when I see you. It's a bit stressful at home. Leila is pregnant and Gage is always cleaning"/ ‘And the other one, what was her name again?’/ ”Twyla… She draws pictures to kill time. Everyone does their own thing here, but I like to be outside sometimes and wait for a miracle to happen"/ …

“I stopped believing in miracles a long time ago… It's only a matter of time before we all starve to death here"/ ”Don't say that. I'm sure we'll still be helped. We just have to be patient…"/ ”hm, I'll have to practise that again. I'm already glad that I got a few cans from the Altos”.

“They've tried as best they can to divide everything up… Hey, don't be so pessimistic, everything will be fine”. Hank smiled a little. Apparently Autumn always managed to take his mind off things. Then he took her hand. “Hm… What do you say we go to my place? You're already getting a red nose"/ ‘hnhn, o.k.’/ ‘I've also prepared a surprise for you…’/ ‘I'm curious about that,’ she said with a smile and gave him a kiss. then they set off on the long walk to his house.

The walk to Hank's house was really long. And the longer you had to walk, the more the cold drew into your body, despite the movement. “mh, it smells good in here“/”you think? I haven't really done anything except a bit of cleaning"/ ‘hnhn, that does make a difference’.

“But not much has happened down here"/ ”I wanted to take care of the bedroom first. You complained about the beds, so… I thought of something” / ‘well then…’. Naturally, she was curious as to what he had been doing up there and quickly made her way up the stairs.

Once upstairs, it was a bit of a surprise for her. “How did you come up with the idea of building a Viking bed?”/ “I read a book the other day where were described a bed like this… Well… I thought I'd give it a try. It's sturdy, anyway…”. She looked mischievously at the bed. “I still have to see for myself”. Then she turned to him. “I think we both know what else we can use this for… don't we?”.

Hank and Autumn have been a couple for a few weeks now. But no one has really noticed yet, except her flatmates. Hank didn't want to make a big deal of it for the time being either. But they get on very well and seem to have a few things in common. And he didn't worry about Pauline any more - what was, is over.

While Autumn spends time with Hank, Twyla has retreated to her room with a book. “Knowing her, she'll be spending the night with him anyway. We've known each other for so long, she's become my best friend. But at the moment, I have the feeling we're growing apart. . and the other two… only have eyes for themselves”.

In fact, Gage and Leila enjoy every free minute together. “nhnhn, why don't you put me down again, you. “/ “I'd carry you to the end of the world if it came down to it”/ “I already feel like I'm at the end of the world here, Gage”.

He carefully stood her back on the floor. “I know it's anything but easy at the moment. But most people here still have hope…"/ ”I do, too… But how much longer is this going to last? If something doesn't happen soon, the next generation won't survive for long here.”

After Leila and her fiancé had finished talking, they both went to their beds. There were only single beds, no bed for two where they could have cuddled or warmed each other up. But again, Beau had made sure that no one in the house had to freeze. …

Sometimes unexpected things happen at night. For example, the chicks hatch from their fertilized eggs. And there are quite a few of them, so they can be distributed among the people. Or you can make a delicious roast from them when they are fully grown.

Gage gets up particularly early. He is often the first to check on the animals. “What a nice surprise. I always thought there would be fewer chicks in winter. Our baby won't be born until next year. Until then, I can still practise a little with you, hnhn. Hmm… I'll call you Fluffy… Although, I don't even know if you're male or female, but I think the name fits. If you get too cold, lie under your mother's belly and she'll keep you warm”. After he had set the chick down again, he stood outside for a moment and watched the sun rise. Until it got too cold for him and he went back into the house.

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@greenplumbboblover😊

[coconut530]

Heyyyy everyone! I just wanted to take a bit to gush about the WT I’ve been binging the past three days, Not Even Bones!

I’d seen this WT on the Saturday page for y e a r s , but it never looked that appealing to me. Last week, I binged Silent Screams on Canvas, and learned that artist was on NEB as well. That, combined with my desire for a darker story, and the icon nagging me like Shiloh and Lavender Jack did, made me cave and start it.

Let’s start with the characters. Nita’s our protagonist, and she’s.. interesting to say the least. Most of the time I can see where she goes but there are some instances where I question the writing a bit. And though I do get squeamish over her.. hobbies, the story usually justifies it pretty well or Kovit manages to say something. Speaking of Kovit, you can see most of these images have him in it 😂. Uhh but I have to say he’s a really good character, despite what he does. In the end he only does it because of his nature and the society that enables him. But his design is cool across all three styles, he’s a caring guy, and the rules he poses for himself make the story really interesting. S2 was my favorite, I think for all of the things we found out about him. Next we have… Fabricio. I… truly don’t know what to think about this little dude. He’s a little annoying, for starters, bc he always escapes!! And his morals are grayer than a thundercloud! And I don’t know what he truly wants! But regardless, I think he’s a good foil character for Nita, forcing her to confront herself when she’s too far gone or giving her a goal to reach. That’s our main three, but I do want to give a couple shoutouts. Adair is like.. so fun. He gives those fun trickster vibes, and to me sounds like Josh Grelle. Diana is fun too, giving Nita a friend when Kovit isn’t there. Gold is a bit annoying sometimes, but I like how she brings out a different side of Kovit. Overall these characters are very interesting, and their designs in the latter seasons make it all look and feel so immersive and unique.

So, I started it. S1 was a little rough, since the story was new to me and I wasn’t a huuuuge fan of the art style. But the story was engaging enough and I think the art fit with the tone of the season, even if it wasn’t my favorite. Overall it was interesting to see this WT go deeper than the advertisements of simply “girl who’s mom finds supernatural creatures and she dissects them”. We actually learn more about those creatures and the hostile world they live in.

S2 was what I was really waiting for, since Glamist was the artist for that one. And BOY did it deliver! The story just got more engaging from there, with Kovit’s backstory coming up more and Nita getting more desperate, and Glamist’s art made it look soooooooo goooooood!!! What I really noticed in this season was the imagery that Glamist drew. You can see it in the panel above where Kovit is behind bars made out of money, MMMM so good. There’s more like that, which is a sticking point alone. And! Before this I’d only seen three WTs of mine have moving panels: Shiloh, Nevermore, and Time & Time Again. BUT now I can add this one to the list! The one where Adair was like “What have you done?” also moves, and it was so fluent and amazing. There’s another one where Kovit swings his knife around, and I was floored by that one. This season was so great with characters, story, and art, and it just makes me soooo excited to see Silent Screams come out as an Original.

I just caught up today with S3, and it is still so good. I was a teensy bit sad to see Glamist go, but Starpiper keeps that same style nearly to a T, the imagery is still so strong, and the panels still move from time to time. It is nice to see Nita and Kovit’s relationship still so strong in this season, even when Kovit is brought down to his worst. This season is still going on, so I don’t have tooooo much to say, but it’s been really good so far. Excited to read a new ep today.

Anyway, if you’re a fan of like Shiloh or Silent Screams and looking for another story like that to enjoy, check Not Even Bones out!

[annihilate-this-week]

I know no one will see this because no one reads my tumblr and that’s fine but yesterday was my wife’s 40th birthday and I took her on a day trip to DC and bought her a bunch of stuff and a couple really good meals and now I’m sure we won’t have rent money and the thought of calling my dad and asking him for the money I’m short is giving me major anxiety even though I am pretty sure he’ll give it to me. Imm honestly trying to keep my parents pretty far away from me these days because I know they don’t support my identity or accept me as their daughter and I just can’t stand continuing to show up for the emotional abuse and unsupportive attitudes when I’m 47 goddamn years old and it’s been going on all my life.

Buuuut on the other hand I also can’t seem to make ends meet even though I have two jobs and a goddamn Patreon (which has 12 supporters — who I love but I need more and have no idea how to get them). I probably need $3000 a month for Sara and I to live pretty goddamn well and I can’t fucking get there no matter what I do. She can’t work full-time due to ongoing chronic health issues and I just want to give her a good life without having to panic about money all the time but I can’t seem to do it. And worst of all, then she blames herself and says I’d be better off without her as a “financial burden” or whatever, completely ignoring the fact that her emotional support is the only thing keeping me from completely losing my shit right now. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me and I don’t want her to feel that way, but sadly, I understand why she comes to those conclusions. I just want to create a situation where she has no excuse to feel that way and I can’t.

This cis lesbian who is married to a trans girl my wife is friends with was all gung-ho about helping me do a new resume so I could get a better job, and back in January we got together on a weekend and worked on stuff and got a resume for me about 80% done. She sent me home with homework I needed to get done so we could finish it but life kept getting in the way and I needed to make money NOW to make sure our power didn’t get turned off, we didn’t get evicted, etc, and before I knew it three months passed and now the girl who was helping me isn’t talking to me anymore and I think she’s offended I didn’t prioritize my resume but it’s hard to do that shit when you’ve gotta work 40 to 50 hours a week just to keep from losing your place and whatnot. And I think the dream of making an actual good resume so I can try for better jobs is dead now, or at least that I’m on my own, and it’s so hurtful and terrifying but I guess I brought it on myself.

And right now I’m sitting on the floor of my bathroom typing this instead of showering because I have to go work with my one employee (yes I am a MANAGER at my main job and I’m still struggling this hard) who consistently refuses to gender me correctly and is also terrible at her job and I’m just fucking dreading it. So here I am.

Anyway, thanks for reading. If you got this far and want to help a struggling queer aging trans writer lady and her disabled trans queer wife cover our goddamn bills and save me from having to be further indebted to my dad who never genders me correctly and is killing my soul, well, you can paypal me: buzzorhowl@gmail.com (yes my deadname is on that account, no they won’t let me change it) or Venmo me: @Drew-Necci. But don’t feel obligated. I know shit is awful everywhere in America right now.

Regardless, thanks for reading my panicked rant. Love you.

[thebeautifulfantastic]

girl who is this "My Guy" you speak of in your tags 👀👀👀👀👀

ohoho do i have a story to tell you, my friend :D

basically, i'm experiencing the "slow burn friends to lovers" trope, and it is both amazing and infuriatingly agonizing. fair warning, this is going to a looooong post, so jump to the end if you want the short version.

it all started back in the spring, after i got accepted to a performing arts college, and specifically to their first-year study abroad program in Spain. i was so pumped, and determined to make friends before college started, so i found one of those [college name] class of 27 instagram accounts and as people's intros were posted, made it a point to follow and dm anyone else who said they would also be doing their first year abroad. *sigh* yes, i was shamelessly sliding into people's dms. but strictly with the purpose of friendship! anyways, this Boy's picture and little intro paragraph gets posted to the account, and he says he's in the study abroad program, so i dm him, as had become my custom -- it's a very simple "hi nice to meet you" exchange -- and he follows me back.

a few weeks later, my photo and little intro paragraph get posted to the account, and he sends me a dm. he's like "IT'S YOU" and i'm like "IT IS!" and he's like "you have such a good voice!" (because there was a video of me singing in my post) and i'm like "thank you!" and he's like "you are MOST welcome." and then, because in my intro i had mentioned that i'm a total nerd, he also says "and don't worry, i'm a nerd too." this is word-for-word accurate, by the way -- i just checked. so we messaged for a good while, bonding over nerdy topics.

a couple days later he replied to my instagram story and we had another mini nerd-out moment, and then a couple days after that i mustered up the courage to message him and ask if he might be interested in working on some creative projects together once the school year started. that was the conversation that really broke the ice, because after that, we were messaging back and forth every single day, talking about anything and everything, getting to know each other and quickly realizing that we had a lot in common. actually, the second thing we bonded over after our shared nerdiness was that we were both liberal/progressive Christians who didn't love Christian media. and we fell in love right then and there... just kidding, there's much more to the story ;)

anyways! we became really close over the summer because we talked to each other so much. now so far i only saw him as a very good friend, because i had a massive crush on a girl (who i never confessed my feelings to, but i'm pretty sure she's straight anyway. canon bisexual experience, i guess) that he was very aware of because i told him about her. i wasn't really looking at any boy as someone i'd potentially be interested in, and i was just so thrilled to have found a new best friend that i connected with and who i'd get to see every day at college. i actually said, in conversation with a different friend of mine that "i've seen who i'll be going to college with, and i can assure you, i'm not going to have a crush on any of these people." yeah, right. famous last words.

but the plot thickens. as the summer drew to a close, it started looking like i wouldn't be able to study abroad or attend this college at all because of tuition costs, and i was really, really sad. but honestly, what i was most sad about was that i wouldn't get to meet him in person just yet and would have to wait a whole year until he was at this college's US campus, which happens to be about an hour from where i live (his home state is quite far away from mine, so our friendship had developed entirely through the internet). i told him the news, that i wouldn't be joining him at college, and he was also sad because he was also super excited to meet me, but we agreed that we'd stay in touch and meet up in person someday, somehow.

summer ended, we kept talking, he left for Spain, and we still kept talking. however, there was a subtle shift in the tone of our conversations sometime after he arrived there, which is to say we started flirting. not intentionally, mind you. it just happened, in between the "i miss you" and the "i wish you were here, we would've raised so much hell" the both of us started playfully flirting, and it was so natural i didn't even realize it was flirting until several weeks had passed (that may also be because i am an oblivious fool). just subtle little things, like i would say "hey :) i miss you" and he would say "you're making me blush," and then we would playfully tease each other and laugh about it. there was one occasion where i was having a really rough day and later on he sent me the sweetest text i have ever received in my life and told me i was one of his favorite people in the world :'))

around this time he also started screenshotting my selfies that i sent him over instagram chat, and i noticed. i started suspecting that maybe he was into me as more then a friend at that point (because when a guy screenshots your face, that means something, right?) but at this point i was still in the Denial Stage of my feelings so i decided to not read into it too much. i also hadn't been physically attracted to him at first sight, so i was like "he's Just A Guy!! there's no way i can have feelings for him, because i'm not into guys right now. i just love his personality and our dynamic. that's all." yeah, RIGHT. just keep telling yourself that, Belle.

we were in mid-september by this point, and we had called a few times since he's been in Spain, and during one jet-lagged conversation while mutually lamenting that we couldn't hang out in-person, he happened to mention that even if he wouldn't be in my area for another year, there was nothing stopping me from visiting him when he goes home to the states for Christmas and winter break. internally, i thought "HECK YEAH" but what i actually said was something like, "you know what, that's a good point," and after that the daydreams began in earnest, but because i'm an idiot i told myself these were still strictly platonic feelings. we treated the idea of me visiting him as a rather unserious thing at first ("oh i just said that because i was jet-lagged and delirious, don't worry about it haha" -- yeah right, buddy, you literally just told me you miss me), but i couldn't get the idea out of my head.

and then of course, as is the way of things, i'm lying awake at night, thinking about him, and all of a sudden it hits me and i realize the worst has happened: i had developed feelings. romantic ones. my first reaction was literally "well shit this is embarrassing. i am so screwed." it was a very strange realization too, because none of it was based on his looks. i had never looked at him and thought "damn he's hot," i simply... loved him. the whole person.

(i should probably clarify that this isn't me calling him ugly or anything. he is a very good-looking person, and i knew that, subconsciously, but it wasn't a thought that really took up space in my brain because i just hadn't been looking at him that way. and now i do think he's cute! but i had to come to terms with my crush first.)

after realizing this, my first thought was that i didn't want to say anything about my feelings to him and accidentally look like an idiot ("because what if there's a chance he doesn't like me?" girl be so fr) so we just kept talking and the flirting got more and more obvious. i also started screenshotting his photos to see what would happen. what happened was more playful teasing. we called again and got all flustered with each other because it was so hard not to spill the tea. the idea of me visiting him was brought up again, with a more... uh... suggestive undertone? it was amazing. it was also unbearable.

it all came to a light one day in late september. i had told myself i wouldn't say anything about my feelings until we met in-person, but by the way we were flirting, i should have known we wouldn't be able to wait that long.

in perhaps the most random fashion, it started because his BeReal caption was "i cried to this song last night. someday i'll reveal the story" and i got a little worried upon reading that. so i texted him "are you okay? i saw your BeReal and i thought i would check in." his reply was something like "OH MY GOSH i'm fine i cried because i was super high last night," which, like, a little mortifying that i momentarily forgot weed existed, but i'm glad you're okay.

but then a few minutes later, he says "why did you screenshot my BeReal?" and my brain froze. i couldn't think of a single way to deflect or change the subject this time, so i thought fuck it and told him exactly why: "because you looked cute."

he goes "aha! there it is" and i said, "for how long have you been trying to get me to say that?" and he said "a while. i've liked you for a while."

i won't relay the whole conversation that followed because it was very long and also quite personal, but after we'd calmed down a bit from the love confession, we talked seriously about whether it would be a good idea to be in a relationship, and what things were worrying us, pros and cons, etc etc, and what we came to was that he personally needed some time to think about it all, but we would still plan on me visiting him.

and here we are! we still haven't met in person, but we will eventually, and it's nothing official yet (it's honestly kind of a situationship except we actually do talk about our feelings) but there's a lot of love on both ends. and i'm just so happy to know him at all, because if i hadn't randomly decided to slide into his dms none of this would have happened, and that would be a shame. we may be overdue for another serious conversation about relationship stuff (the flirting and teasing has continued, in addition to our more normal conversations) but that's the story so far. now you know, if i mention "the boy" or my "kinda bf" or "my guy" who i'm referring to. i can't reveal his real name here because that feels like an invasion of privacy, but it starts with an A, and sometimes i refer to him that way too :)

tl;dr -- he is a guy that i met online through the college i had planned on attending but actually didn't, we became close friends and stayed in touch and eventually developed feelings, and admitted those feelings for each other, and now we are More Than Friends But Not Officially Together because we haven't met in-person yet, but hopefully soon.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I've listened to the last couple of episodes of the Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby show on Radio X, because for the last two weeks it's been the Matthew Crosby and Nish Kumar show, and I really really like listening to Nish Kumar talk. That podcast is one of the few where I've decided I will pick and choose and listen to a few episodes if they have on someone I particularly like, without feeling obligated to listen to every episode (of the few shows that I've set out as exceptions to my completism rule, two are Crosby-based as Pappy's is another one, though I know at some point I will end up going through all of Pappy's Fun Club). And for most of the episodes of the Gamble/Crosby podcast I've heard, the guest who drew me to that episode was Nish Kumar.

I do like listening to Ed Gamble talk as well, it was no slight on him that this week I picked two episodes where he was away (being replaced by Nish) to jump into that radio show. But I think I am getting enough Ed Gamble from other sources right now. Spent yesterday going between the Crosby/Kumar thing, and listening to Ed Gamble... hopefully not really physically attack a guy until he drew blood during a podcast recording in 2008. I mean, I'm pretty sure they were just pretending on that. Hitting something else to make the sound effect. But they put in a lot of fairly believable detail on that lie. I mean. There's no way that was real. Physical assault is an actual crime, and you can't commit crimes on podcasts, even if it's 2007. It had to be a lie. The Ray Peacock Podcast is sure an experience.

Anyway. As I'm getting more than enough Ed Gamble, possibly too much Ed Gamble, from my Ray Peacock Podcast completist run, it was nice to have the much more chill, just jump into an occasional episode of Matthew Crosby on Radio X to balance it out. And these couple were fun. It was also nice to hear from Producer Vin again, who is the best. I have decided he's the best one. He's one-upped Chris Skinner off The Bugle as my favourite in that role.

Anyway, I have dedicated much of this blog before to cataloguing comedian football gossip, so here's some more of it:

I enjoyed that greatly, as I do any clip in the more specific sub-genre of comedian football stories called: Nish Kumar's trash talk:

Of all the comedy events that I don't get to see because of the Atlantic Ocean, those yearly Alex Horne-organized Chicken vs. Egg comedian football matches are pretty high on my list of things I'd most like to see. I see why they don't film those, but I still wish they would.

I love the phrase "Achilles Brain". I might start using that, in real life. There are many terms we use to describe athletes who perform much better in practice than in competition because they struggle with the mental game. My old coach used to call them "head cases", which I found quite offensive, as a person in that category. I guess the term wouldn't necessarily have been offensive if he hadn't specifically meant it in an offensive way. But if you're going to be offensive about it, it's much better to go all the way and be over-the-top offensive for comedic effect about it, and go with Achilles Brain. I'm going to start telling athletes they have to work on their Achilles Brain.

Good chat, Nish. Every time I hear Matthew Crosby talk I'm reminded of how much I like Matthew Crosby. Also, for anyone listening to this without context who may be concerned, I am genuinely sure that Ed Gamble didn't break a guy's nose during a podcast record in 2007. They just fairly convincingly pretended he did. But I do not recommend listening to the Ray Peacock Podcast. It's very funny and I'm hugely enjoying it and I recommend it to absolutely no one.