#anyway. yeah. maybe id fashion a concept for it just to have fun

[alullinchaos]

reading yet another ya dystopia novel/series and as i read this one i just keep getting flashes of Other young adult dystopian novels that i've read and their various different mechanisms for controlling and manipulating their populations and now i'm imagining a horrifying fanfic/au for all of them where i combine All of it. the resulting society. horrific (and also probably highly contradictory)

[loversj0y]

hey its me glonk

so

talking about siren/clinic!wilbur.

Imagine Sire having a love/hate relationship with a low-ranking hero.

(Now I say "low-ranking", but it doesn't mean they're weak. They're just... really bad at their job. They can fight, but they're a little too brutal for the public eye. Breaking bones, etc..

So the hero committee says they are too violent to move up the ranks. Ironic, considering that they are the only hero that doesn't kill villains. The other heroes do much worse all the time-- they just keep it under wraps.)

Anyway, maybe the hero has some nullification power. Siren's voice doesn't work on them, so they end up duking it out in a good old fashioned fistfight.

Unless its the hero's lunch break. they only work when they have to.

eventually, when one gets a call about the other and an order to go deal with them, neither knows whether its going to be a snog-in-the-alleyway kind of day or a beat-each-other-to-a-pulp kind of day until they lock eyes.

fuck Enemies to lovers, this is enemies AND lovers.

lonemies. lovemies. enevers. Enemivers? Who knows.

(also. imagine the hero getting fired one day because they incapacitated someone in a rather brutal manner-- on live television. Does the Hero Committee care that it allows its other heroes to do far worse, just out of the public eye? No! Boom, they are fired)

you bet that siren goes asking them ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶n̶u̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ to join the syndicate.

glonk. you get me. oh my god.

okay i kind of went crazy down below but i love this concept SO much

enemies AND lovers is SOOO powerful. i feel like siren would have a complex about anyone who cant be affected by his power naturally bc on one hand, it pisses him off, but on the other hand, he LOVES it because it allows him to feel secure in knowing they will never think he’s manipulated them and he’ll never have the option to (id imagine growing up, he found it hard to make connections because people who knew his power and didn’t understand it would find it hard to trust him)

i love the idea too of their very first meeting. hero reader is brand new, spiffy, ready to tackle any challenges! and who do they get? literally one of the three top ranking heros. and yeah they’re terrified but they agreed to this so they get ready to fight and siren just is not having it and simply tries to command them and reader is like *oh fuck…wait.* and they both have this mutual realization that he cant use his power and immediately in siren’s eyes. they are rivals. siren manages to get away without any fight due to the shock and processing they both have, but the hero committee quickly hears about it and is PISSED because, from the media’s view, hero reader didnt even try. which is why next time the hero just gets aggressive and physical and the hero committee ALSO gets pissed again and reader is just like ????? already so done with this shit but they’re on a contract fuck.

but oh thats when siren catches them. they’re not really paying attention to patrolling, still pissed off and reeling from the meeting with the hero committee, so it isnt hard for siren to come up behind them and get them pinned down. and he’s all cocky and talking shit, and reader is too tired to actually fight him or be angry, so siren is like. something is wrong here, i want a reaction. so he switches to flirting. and oh boy does that do the trick. and reader is so tired theyre just like. fuck the hero committee. fuck everything. im going to have fun. and they end up making out in the dark alleyway until siren gets called away by the syndicate.

and the song and dance continues, either fighting or making out (though siren does note that the fighting tends to happen more when the media is involved) hero learns more abt the syndicate and is like honestly i cant even hate them bc the hero committee IS bullshit and the committee is up their ass about needing to be better, constantly needing to be better and fight more and help more people, and they let out some stress with thanatos, but it’s more of a “beat each other up until we’re exhausted and can relax” type of fight until hero accidentally knocks him completely cold because his head hit a brick wall. and they look up and the camera definitely caught that. a text about being fired comes quickly, but honestly they dont even care, they’re more just worried that this person is okay, and so they grab his ear piece and tell nemesis what happened and nemesis is like “okay, im going to trust you only because you just got fired. here’s the cafe’s address, ill tell our healer and have someone meet you there” and so hero brings him to the cafe for tommy to heal, and siren is there because of course he’d be there, but it’s for two main reasons: making sure the hero keeps this place a secret, and extending the offer to potentially become a villain (which he notes that they’d need to have a chat about it over dinner specifically, and it definitely is not an excuse to go on a date)

[freunwol]

remember when i said id upload the rest of the ssau beta designs i coould remember where they were. remember when i said that literal months ago. uhhh

ohhhgh i threw this design out like almost immediately.... i have no clue what i was going for w the shoulder pads tbh, i dont draw a folded up scarf like that (i think. i wouldnt now)

also evan & ds at the top, and also kirby for??? some reason?????? whats he doin here

another page had basically nothing relevant i just liked this one

i may actually have been trying to go for a folded scarf oh no

(not sure whats going on in the bottom right either but just focus on silly lumis and also kirby)

evan...... i was limited in my color choice i would not have chosen that yellow naturally

my concept for him was that toxic positivity is basically his religion... plus other things that are BIG spoilers but essentially hes still a dragon master, but here since he has a lot more access to darkness mir kinda morphs into a more twisted looking onyx dragon... he still tries to be, yknow, Mir, but hes ride or die for evan and ride means losing urself at least partially to mass amounts of darkness yknow. i know that has almost nothing to do w the design and thats bc i dont think i put much thought into it beyond cool jacket

also no i have NO clue what i was going for w the fishnets ik i just wanted to put smthn on his legs but why fishnets im just as confused help???????? (EDIT ON SECOND THOUGHT that may have been my attempt at drawing a texture that i... could have made w cross hatching but didnt???? so its not actually fish nets?????? or it might be and im misremembering??????? help)

(also fun cameo of my earliest design for lucid lol)

ok that side profile there has always stood out in my brain and looking at it again i understand why... the Energy.... the wind maybe... where did it come from how did i make that hello???????

idk whats happening in any of the other doodles

yis papa... im aware that one looks jank as hell but i dont think i cared. or it was on purpose???? i Do Not Know. also lmao @ low standards

(I KEEP NOT NOTICING GIANT FUCKING SPOILERS IN IMAGES anyway.)

i think the extent of cygnus's role here was to be the phanaria kid and also eight. that was... it. i will say the her trying on the gloves is adorable and i also like the flower dress!! i can tell why i didnt wanna color that though lmaoooo

idk either

THESE designs though i actually have something to say!!! at least on arans end, merc i mostly just wanted to make more... queen-ly, no comment on how well that went (shes wearing tights its not colored in but i prommy theres tights)

aran though!! i based her armor on the temple of time guardians bc. well thats spoilers but i took notes from that book. i think it was actually in the last post too, that she also has a helmet and when she has it on the ponytail looks like the lil plume of smoke they have n all... yeah

arans closer to the more serious self she was originally since she never lost her memories, not like stone cold (i doubt aran ever was That cold if she naturally turned into a more jovial her) but still more serious.

in the story they have... kind of a fraught relationship, on the same side but for very conflicting reasons and kind of resent each other... but like maybe..... yknow? yknow????? i also just like the energy of this one

maybe ending off on one u have essentially nothing to say abt is passe but hey!! i like the earrings w the chain thing. shes so fashion

maybe one day ill stop saying ill write ssau one day and actually write it lol

[purplesurveys]

924

Do you have a taste in your mouth right now? What of? Just the faint taste of coffee since I have a cup at the moment but haven’t drunk from it in the last few minutes. Which is your least favourite day of the week? I’ve lost the concept of the days of the week for a few months now, man. Back when we used to do things, though, I hated Sundays as I felt loneliest on that day. It was always an automatic thing too so I had little control over it. If told to clean the house, would you be more inclined to clean one room really well or clean all of the rooms with hardly any effort? Clean all rooms with maximum effort. I’d be really bugged if I didn’t strive to be perfect with the whole place lol. Do you put glue on the object you're sticking down or on the paper? Object, so that the amount of glue I’m putting would be accurate. What was your last dream about? I don’t remember the details anymore but at the very least, I know it was very vivid since I remembered it throughout the morning. I’ve been having very detailed dreams lately – it’s the depression for sure. 

What is your favourite part of the last movie you watched? Haven’t seen a movie in a while but the last thing I watched in full was The Crown; Vanessa Kirby as Princess Margaret really shone through in the last episode I saw. Have you stuck any stickers to the computer you're using? I put all my stickers onto my laptop case but not the laptop itself. I haven’t had the case on for a while now though, since I’m always just at home now. Do you ever write or talk to yourself in your head when you're bored? Yes or when I’m feeling upset, as long as I’m alone. I’ve found that talking to myself is a healthy way to address and deal with my emotions. What interests you the most about other people? What I find interesting always varies. I have friends who I find interesting for their music tastes; some others for their knowledge of random trivia; some for their jobs, etc. It’s always different. Do you ever take random pictures out of boredom? What of? Not really. If I take photos it’s because I want to remember a moment or because I find something cute or funny. Basically anything that elicits a strong emotion out of me, I’m bound to take a picture of. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Headphones. How many siblings do you have? Do you get on with them? I have two siblings. I only get along with my sister; I have not talked to my brother since last year and have no desire to again. Would you rather live in a log cabin or a brick house? Mmm I’d take the brick house. Log cabin would be nice for a quick getaway, but I wouldn’t want it to be my permanent home. There’s a psychological factor in there and I just think that staying in a log cabin would make me feel suffocated eventually, haha. Do you have a calendar up for this year? I have a ‘Job Applications’ calendar that I’m currently monitoring, and it tracks the applications I’ve sent out to different companies and how long I’ve been waiting for a response from each of them. Really needing some positive vibes and energy since I actually just got my first rejection notice today. Other than that this year has been pretty fucking boring and there’s been little need to keep an active calendar. What was the very first CD you bought? The first CD I remember asking my parents to buy for me was like the High School Musical official soundtrack. I was big on Disney as a kid and wasn’t a big fan of any solo acts or bands up until I was around 10. Do you keep things like old train tickets, etc? Yessssssss. Do you like your smile? Why (not)? I like it; I find my smile friendly and warm. I just hate smiling with my teeth at the present since one of my front teeth protrudes. Can’t wait to get braces again. Would you rather be able to sing or dance? Why? Dance. Dancers are super hot, lmao. What was your favourite colour when you were a kid? Do you still like it? It was purple/violet and it was mostly influenced by my great-grandma who lovedddd the color and had it everywhere in her home. When she passed away, my love for the color slowly faded away and I don’t think too much of it now. Have you ever said 'lol' in real life? Haha yeah sometimes. I pronounce it as ‘lohl’ and never ‘el oh el’ though. Do you like your friend's parents? I like most of their parents, though I’m aware that some have abusive tendencies. Most of the parents are super nice, though. JM’s mom cooked a big lunch for us once and his dad buys like four party-sized boxes of pizza every time we come over, Angela’s parents treat me like their own kid, Gab’s mom constantly tells me she loves me...it’s in the little things. How many times have you moved? I can remember just the two times, but I know that we moved several times more when I was an infant. Have you ever refused to try a certain food? Which? Most stuff with fruits, hah. Sometimes it’s unavoidable, like when a sushi roll has mango or if I’m having banoffee pie, but I almost always refuse a meal with some kind of fruit in it. What's your favourite type of soup? Not really big on soup. I just like miso. Very occasionally I’ll have mushroom soup too. What is your favourite candle scent? I don’t buy candles nor do I know people who regularly get them, so I’m not very familiar with the different scents. Does the sight of blood make you feel ill? In real life, it would. I always have to look away whenever Gabie gets a nosebleed ha. But I have no problem watching bloody wrestling matches and I actually enjoy the bloodier ones. Super weird quirk of mine. What do you call it when you're sick anyways? (Sick, ill, not well, etc) If I’m referring to a fever I call it sick/ill/not feeling well. If I feel like throwing up I say I’m getting dizzy/need to vomit. I’ve never referred to puking as ‘getting sick,’ and it took me a very long time to realize that it was a common American saying, haha. Did you ever really believe in the tooth fairy? I did, and I felt super betrayed when I put my tooth under my pillow only to see it again the next morning. If you had to appear in a movie, which genre would you choose? Coming of age. What do you do with unwanted gifts? I keep them, since I still appreciate the effort of the gift-giver. Are there any clothes you haven't worn in ages, that you've suddenly started wearing again? HAHA yes. There will be rare instances where I get to go out and I always take the time to look stylish as all fuck, even though I’m only running an errand and wearing flashier pieces would be so unnecessary. I just miss dressing up and looking cute, man. Do any keys on your keyboard stick? Like, if they’re sticky? No. Would you rather own a laptop or a computer? Laptop. Love it when things are portable. Do you think you'll look at old photos of yourself and be embarrassed? My teenage years are definitely bad especially with regard to my fashion choices lol, but so are everyone else’s so I’m not super embarrassed. I cringe at the photos but I wouldn’t mind if my friends poked fun at them because chances are I’d join in too. What was the worst hairstyle you ever had? I always hated it whenever my mom took me to the salon to have my hair rebonded. That kind of look has never worked with my face shape and so I usually did everything for my hair to start curling up quicker and go back to its original form. Do you like t-shirts with sayings on them? Why (not)? Not really. It’s just not a personal preference. I like plain or slightly printed pieces. Do you click on the adverts at the side of the screen? No. Have you ever coughed and sneezed at the same time? I’m sure it’s happened before. Are you embarrassed to show people your ID photo? Nah. Whatever dude. Have / would you ever become a cheerleader? I haven’t, but I would have loved to. We don’t have a cheerleading club or varsity in my old school though so I was never able to hone my skills, if ever. What's the longest you've gone without eating? Maybe a little more than 24 hours. What is one of your biggest irrational fears? Commercials airing at night. I find jingles and graphic effects unsettling by a certain hour lol. What comes up when you press Ctrl + V? “I reeeeally miss seeing you and your purple things and seeing you give glares to people who deserve it. what a lodi <333” omg aw. It’s Jane’s birthday today and I copied that bit of my greeting to move it to another paragraph so that my message would flow better. Out of the bands you listen to, were most of them around before or after you were born? After. When did you last jump out of fright? I don’t remember. Are you currently waiting on something? What? For a company to take me in. Does time pass slowly or quickly when you're on the internet? Usually it’s quickly, but now that I feel more and more useless around the house, time’s been more slow and for the first time the distractions of the internet haven’t been working. What about when you're at school / work? Depended on the amount of stuff I had to do and whether I’m enthusiastic about them or not. Does the thought of being pregnant gross you out? The thought of giving birth does, but not pregnancy. What was the last thing you made with your hands? I mean I made myself a cup of coffee tonight, but the coffee mix itself was already pre-packaged. I just mixed it with hot water. Are you good at making shadow puppets? I’d say no. Are you more hungry or thirsty right now? Neither. I’ve been so anxious and depressed these days I’m actually skipping every single meal except dinner, and even then I eat very little. I don’t even do it on purpose; my anxiety has simply stopped me from feeling hungry. No idea what the weighing scale’s gonna tell me the next time I check, sigh. Someone hire me plz. God it really sucks being a fresh grad in this current state of the world. Are you prone to headaches? No. They only come out during hectic schedules and stressful weeks. Do you forget things easily? The little and everyday things, like forgetting my school ID at home or where I placed my keys. But I don’t forget things that are more bigger-picture, like birthdays or faces or memories. Do you enjoy going out to dinner? I enjoy it and I terribly miss being able to do it. Would you ever go on a cruise ship holiday? I would and I have. Lots of fun. Would do again and again. What's your favourite sea animal? Dolphins and whales. Do you get coughs or colds more? Coughs.

[freshfromthegraveyard]

Bullying.

Super random.

As a kid who was bullied less by other students and more so by teachers.

I was bullied for my brain not matching my exterior. Being an embassy brat, when I came to the US for school I often was and still act like a foreigner in my own country. But I am a blonde white girl. So this was never well received. Not grasping certain things was seen as an act, or attention seeking. If I had the nerve to correct a teacher on something about a country I lived in. I was shot down in a publicly humiliating manor to ensure I knew my place. If I looked like someone from that country I gurantee they would have actually opened up the floor for me to discuss my homeland.

When I did start gaining weight due to an emotional trigger. I did still for some reason always maintain confidence in other areas. Like I knew I was getting chubby and fatter. But was like meh, whatever I'm still smart, funny and can draw. Heck I'm still a beast in PE. Running sucks but I can still do other shit. So I wasn't always picked last. I still had friends. If my weight was mocked I kind of got it and was like yah I did get fat but I can loose it. I was always active so it was never hard to lose a lil chub. Sadly I did go way past chub into super fat town and man losing that shit was hard and daunting. Still was the same me no matter what school I went to. Still made friends.

The only people I got super offended by when they made fun of my weight was the teachers. Because again, your an Adult picking on a kid. That is a low blow a cheap shot. Remarkably my bad grades have nothing to do with being fat. I don't go home and be like oh donuts well no time for school work. I will always have a learning disability, and a massive sleep disorder. Meds do help. I hate being one of THOSE people who fall under the excuses department but it is like night and day. It is not as simple as stfu and pay attention. I even got mad at myself thinking I was dumb because of this. Like yup, those honors classes you take now are just because of the meds. Your actually an idiot. Why do you take those AND a special class, why do you still take your tests in the library or have to read in total silence? Your dumb that's why! So I went off my meds to prove a point. The point wound up being my grades dropped and everything was so much more of a struggle. The stress was awful. It was the stupidest thing I could have done to myself. But just in case other generations feel that learning disabilities are cop outs. Please know. They aren't. Infact some people get tested for adult learning disabilities and it changes their lives.

Anyway, on back to bullying.

At one school, when I was first gaining the weight. I still had friends. I was still given the frog eye because of my white girl forgienerism, thankfully at that time I was in a private school and the teachers did not bully me about it because new flash private schools get military brats. Though I always had to write papers on countries I hadn't been to. Good call actually.

But here is the kicker. Though my bullying did not really start until public schools. Again I cannot stress enough that what was done by teachers was far more damaging then anything some kid could say.

I did, possibly unlike some bullied.

I always noticed who else was bullied.

I'm an odd lil bird in that, while I could be entirely self absorbed and be all about me. I remember who and why other kids for bullied.

I bet most people will think since I got bullied for being plump I only root for body positivity of the plump sort. You couldn't be more wrong.

The ONE person who had it the worst at the private school, was a tall lanky girl. She wanted the same thing all us girls wanted. To be like the cool girls at the time. She was thin due to her incredible metabolism, and her height, she was shy, and due to being made stand out, only getting shier. She was one of the first people I remember talking on my first day of school other then Rosemary a girl who just was genuinely cute and nice. I've yet to meet a Rosemary who wasn't. I get a whisper from a fellow student not to talk to this thin girl too much. I'm like.....why? Their like, well she's just kind of strange. I'm like, I'm new, so logically I'm gonna be the resident strange kid for a while. But how is she strange exactly. She just seems quite. Their like exactly. I'm like, 11 and confused af. I'm like, wait why is being quite weird in a bad way? Before I could spit most of that out the teacher agree on my suggestion of being quite. Being a embassy brat, I had NO probably striking up new convos with perfect strangers. Ie kids at a school I just met. Before the hell that was HS. I was anything BUT shy. When you move around a lot you need to make friends fast. That and I was born not giving a shit and thinking I was the shit. Before the weight gain I assure you I was cute as hell with attitude to spare. So I was not entirely wrong.

I didn't let this why is silent bad thing go. I still talked to this mysterious thin girl. I sat with her at lunch. Prior to that I kept asking why her just being quite was bad. They said it just made them uncomfortable. I did ask the obvious of did it ever occur to you guys that you treating her weird makes her silent. Their like no she came that way. I couldn't argue because a lot of these kids did know eachother since kindergarten so ya know. They maybe right even if it is wrong. In case you have not guessed. Being raised an only kid, overseas you have bennies of being treated like an adult and being more logical then a kid the same age. Hence why I sound more adult in this story cuz I always was even if I still enjoyed childish endeavors *Like I still do*

Here is the heart breaker. The thin girl at lunch enjoyed my company. I made her laugh a lot that day and got her talking *novel concept when you reach out to someone* at the end of lunch though. She said, this was nice but ya know you shouldn't really hang around me the other kids will black ball you. I'm like yeah, I don't care. She's like no, you should. I appreciate it, but another group has tried and the other kids make life hard on them. I'm like well I extra don't care. I said your kind of in luck. I don't stay at schools very long so by the time they do that to me I will probably be moving. Plus being the new kid I will be resident weirdo for a while. I can play dumb for a long time and befriend the black balled.

I told her which, I don't get why. I said, being shy is the last reason someone should be pushed aside. Granted it took me a few times to get you to talk BUT I gotcha damnit *swearing in Catholic school woot* *at a whisper less woot*

So I made friends, with the very group she spoke of who had made efforts to friend her. I also was friends with other groups. Including 2 class clowns, 2 twin black girls who too me for forever to realize they were twins. I had one jerk kid who ironically was a pretty chubby dude to be so judgy about me being a chubby chick. But I still was friends with thin girl be damned. Needed a book shared in class and no one would share with her. ME! And don't be fooled our one class clown never had a homework buddy because surprise ppl thought he couldn't be serious. ME! I think the funniest thing that happened at that school was rainy day recess where class was divided up for games. Started up with normal dictionary teams. Then Okay Megan is really good at this, let's pair her with the one person who isn't. Okay still really good at this both drawing and guessing. Let's make the team's be class vs Megan. It's only fair. Sorry it still amuses me. My one glory day.

Back to bullying.

Though at the private school, bullying was far minimal. and kids really had to be imaginative. Since we all wore uniforms. Kids had to be like, well they make us laugh, but he's probably not serious about his hw. Woo. Wow. Lame. She's too quite. So lame. She's too smart. All of these are so damn lame. And let's face it none are bad qualities. Sorry the kid finds hw boring and is a quick whit. You actually have to be smart to be fast in humor. She's quite. So she's reserved and actually nice if you reach out. Your only too smart if you can't use your book sense.

Now, public school. Girl was made fun of for being too thin, having the nerve to go through puberty *ie acne* and also was very shy, if not stand offish, not dressing nice enough. If anything, id say she tried to look her worst regardless of what students said. I could go on about warning signs this child had. My mom caught them instantly. Did the school? NO

Turns out she was being molested by her stepdad. Like, srsly. My mom met her once and got it. Oy. So sad. I have a lot of guilt for not being able to communicate better with her though.

Anyway, another girl, got made fun of for having big boobs which she hated especially during PE. I don't blame her.

Yet another girl made fun of for being too thin. She was petite and had all brothers. So she was small and mean.

Another girl was shaped more like a guy and strong. She excelled in some PE sports but still made fun of.

Guys, same deal. If they had curly hair that's a pain to style. Chubby but not good at sports. And idky other kids care if you are good at grades or not? Like, we all have the same hw if you can spell congrats. Some ppl have dyslexia so ya know kindly fuck off.

Why does a grade make you popular or not?

It's odd to me. It's like, you need to get good grades but not TOO GOOD cuz then your too smart and it's also weird. Public school bullying. Lawd have mercy. Talk about a new level of awful.

Again, I was attacked publically by teachers. Who decided I was infact fat and stupid and somehow cheating at art?

I had art taken away from me as it was a distraction. Since I was bad at reading out loud all of my work was to be delivered in this fashion. I corrected a teacher on some foreign affairs, as he got locations, pronunciation, law, and well just a fucking lot wrong about a country I lived in for so long. I held myself back on so much but it was like he was getting everything confused with an entirely different country. For one thing he was still mentioning a city by it's old name. Like omg update

your book man!!! When I finally sad something he blew a stack and made sure everyone in the class was aware of how fat and ignorant I was.

When I told my parents. Boy did they come undone. At the parent teacher conference this same teacher said "if Megan would put down the donuts and study this wouldn't be an issue" yah my dad pinned him to a wall by his neck. Mind you this was after he had already

Made repeated digs at me, my family, and pretty much anything we could stand for. My parents also made the argument that if a student was a concert pianist or a ballet dancer. Would they take away their craft? No. So why take away my art? Both piano and ballet are considered art. Needless to say this battle of the teachers vs parents and all the horrible things they said and did was not over. Two shrinks were involved, and the state was called in. Their shrink and our shrink. The shrinks wound up agreeing and asked the state to come in for a learning disability test. Hence me first getting diagnosed. The shrinks also needed the teachers to understand something. They brought my mom in, since the one teacher now feared my father *not that my mom couldn't take him* the teachers sat down, the shrinks showed them pics of me thin and active and the dates. They show me chubby then thin again due to being an active kid. They then ask when my recent weight gain started. My mom didn't even hesitate she just took off her wig from cancer to reveal her bald head and said about when this happened. She said she was studying to finalize some culinary school work at a local college. She said she knows her daughter felt food was an emotional way to be close to her. My shrink said. Sometimes fat is better then too thin. You can lose fat. You can't undo the damages of too thin if bulimia sets in.

So you'd think the teachers would back off. Ha. No. That one male teacher persisted that everyone has problems and I needed to suck it up. I was now all of 12. He loved making fun of me. I also noticed, though I was his favorite to pick on. I was not alone. He hated anyone who could not read out loud flawlessly. He hated anyone who was not athletic and bragged about his triathlons to this day I get an eye tick around the word. Friend of mine was a solid A student. Read flawlessly outloud. But guess what she had some small kid pudge on her. The second her history teacher went into his class. There goes her straight As. She got a B- in his class. Never on tests with multiple choice, just written work and general performance. Ya know subjective stuff. Not shady at all. Mom got wind and had enough. She sat in his class one day. In my friends class no less. Not mine on purpose. She sat their and made fun of him the way he did us. She's like hey kids, I know this guy makes fun of all the students. Let's make fun of him the same way. Isn't he kind of short? Like really short. I met his wife, he must use a step ladder to kiss her. He's also bald. Notice how he only keeps pictures of himself in tight triathlon clothes or old pics with long hair. Think he's compensating for something?? Who keeps pics of themselves on their desk!?! My husband has his family. Self centered much?

And what's with those triathlons anyway?

We notice you hate fatties. Were you a fatty? Do you run from calories? Did a fatty break your heart? What is it? Why do you hate them So? She's like, actually, it doesn't matter. Whatever your problem is it should not be taken out on children. My mom continued. She's like, ya know why he picks on you kids. One your the only people smaller then him. Two he is to cowardly to stand up to other adults. My husband pinned him against a wall and his eyes nearly popped out of his head from terror. Yeah. All talk this little fart. He obviously was livid talking over her saying she can't do this, he's calling the cops for trespassing.

Apparently when she opened the room up to the kids to pick at him they had a bunch of weird shit they noticed he does. One kid said he's just jealous because everyone likes his wife as a teacher better. That's why he made her stay home with the kids or keep having a kid. She's like everyone liked her? Whole room was like best teacher award every year!

Lol this dude didn't speak for days he was just fuming. It got better when, guess what my mom met his wife and put on her best cute, sweet innocent lady routine. I remember walking to our truck, douche teacher behind me. *cuz of course I had to stay after in his class for some kind of punishment*

His wife was all smiles at my mom, looked over at him with such a look. My mom had an evil smile looking at him like. Checkmate mother fucker. I sat in the truck, waiting for her. Dressed daper. Smiling. She sets behind the wheel, we drive off. She's like well we tried the proper channels first. He made me play dirty but I assure you the war is over.

So, turns out, his wife was a loved teacher BECAUSE she had a lot of patience for her students and taught both standard and kids with learning disabilities. So to say she was understanding is an understatement. I mean, my mom didn't know this when speaking to her. It was actually a whim, when she saw her while waiting to pick me up and just got to talking.

Anyway, the point of this INSANELY long post.

Is as a kid that was not so much bullied by peers as much as by teachers. I also was not always bullied about my weight as much as just being considered an attention seeking liar THEN my intelligence and weight was thrown in for extra damage.

It is true, the book by its cover. I am still a foreigner in a American white girl body. I still have some wires crossed. I still don't know all customs or referrences. My spelling is bad. My accent isnt. Family was 2 people. My perspective is Global. Africa, Asia, an American Farm is my background.

Bullying, just cuz I got fat. Doesn't mean I didn't see the people who got made fun of for being too thin. Before I stopped struggling in school. I noticed kids got bullied for their grades. As if the school and parents are not going to add enough pressure. If you have a talent that is not a sport or a musical instrument. You are not of value. Which is funny in a society that worships actors and models. All of whom rarely look a thin like they look like now in school.

There have been a lot of school shootings over the years. I remember when Columbine happened.

Remember early on in my status of the thin girl? Regardless of people telling me again and again that I would be some social pyria for being nice to her. I still did it. Over and over. I did more to make myself look stupid then she ever could have. Nothing ever happened to me because of her. Even if it had. I wouldn't have cared. Because I had a friend in her. We would at least be weirdos together was my logic.

If you make the effort. More then once. Because some shells are really hard to crack. Because some people have been hurt a lot. At least you tried. In COLLEGE none the less. My roommate and I met quite possibly the most socially awkward creature alive. We tried repeatedly to make friends or at least make peace with this creature. To no damn ivale. Senior yr this person asked me why no one likes them. I told them that wasn't fair because we all have made efforts to involve them in groups, shinnangans, hang out, we even through JUST them a birthday party. We have all made the effort. It's a two way street. I said basically you want friends like robots. You want us to turn on when you want us and power down in an instant when you are done with us and offer nothing in return. You also cannot be rude to ppl and expect forgiveness when there is really no foundation or trust built. We can say honest things because we know that friend is a friend and is sincere and cares for our best interest. You tend to think blurting out something offensive saying no offensive it's just my opinion and smiling is some how okay. It's just awkward.

So in that particular occassion. 4 years. My friend and I, as well as others. Genuinely tried to make friends or something with this person. Some people just want or view friendship differently. They may find a perfect fit later who is not you. But DAMNIT you tried. With bullying I just want people to reach out.

And if you see someone IN THE PROCESS of being bullied. Get off your ass and intervene.

Believe it or not, confusion is a great tactic.

Say 3 ppl are picking on a kid at lunch in your school. You could approach and interupt. You do not have to get personal. If they pick on you next. Point that out. Like what tools they are that that is all they can do. Bring friends over to help break it up. Honestly when I say confusion is a great weapon I mean it. Make up gibberish and start talking like that. Speak another language the bullies won't know. Anything that will just frustrate them and make them leave. Essentially your goal is to not engage with them, be as annoying as possible and make them leave. Another strategy is to be as agreeable as possible, so sickeningly friendly that they also lose their momentum. Gauge your situation, the energy and see which would work best. They sound absurd but diffusing a situation is far better.

The key is, don't sit by and let someone suffer.

Don't join in. Also guess what. As juicey and fun as gossip seems especially in school. Guess what, it's usually lies and incredibly harmful. If you partake you are an accessory to bullying. Shocking I know.

Learning how stop gossip in it's tracks when you are young is a great life lesson.

Sadly you will run into gossip at all stages of life. So stopping it, ...as best you can. When your young. Can safe a life!

The thing about gossip. If people don't have good dirt on someone, they will make shit up. Movies like Mean Girls and Easy A point this out. I've heard gossip about myself or friends and some is almost laughable how ridiculous it is. But going up to someone and being like hey is it true this that or the other. Or treating them different all of a sudden. As if we also don't hear the whispers.

Gossip is just a form of bullying. So think about it as being an accessory to a crime. It is equally as serious. Like a crime, you have the power to stop it.

So many people talk of the mass shootings, what about the kids who are as young as 8 taking their own lives due to bullying.

I really cannot stress enough, to please, if you see someone being bullied. Help that victim in the moment. Step in, bring back up. Be confusing. Be nice. Be whatever it takes to save a life or lives.

Also it is clear the bullying is caused from something. Usually bullies are being bullied themselves or have some sort of problem.

I remember reading one story of a bully who came unhinged over the smallest thing. Would lie in wait and actually burned another child with scalding hot water. Now that story was a case for mental illness. Which brings me to a situation. If a person is a bully and being bullied by someone else. Like another sibling, a parent, or so forth. That is rough because really not everyone can afford counseling which is what that would require. Next if someone is displaying violence due to a mental illness that too would require counseling, psychiatric and possibly medication down the road. All expensive.

It's not fair that mental healthcare of any kind is a luxury. When no one chooses to have mental health issues. Most insurance companies only allow so many visits. Not nearly enough to scratch the surface of a garden much less the human mind. Plus if medication was involved, that is such an arguous process. Any mental health medication is a huge battle of trial and error and all medications take a while to get into your system. For one to be properly judged for mental health, has to be in your system long enough for you to have had your moods elevated. Essentially were you challenged at all in 6 months time? Did you have a reason to get angry, or be depressed. Anything to trigger mood swings to see how the medication altered your brains reaction.

I mean damn. That is a lot to wait for, and rarely does the first shoe fit.

After working in a local ER. I realized how sad, and how many holes are in our health care system. How long people have to wait to see anyone. How long for a room to become available. How short your treatment is.

At the same turn. When you come across none feeling bullies. The type they tell young kids to kill themselves. That hound them every day and night. Stalk them on any outlet they can find. Because they have nothing better to do then bring one person misery. When do they become accountable?

I do believe some bullies need help to stop the cycle. I also believe some have shown signs that they live a charmed life, are not bullied themselves and show no signs of a mental illness. They have admitted to just being board. *maybe the mental illness is in the path family ;>_>*

Anyway, for those few bullies that qualify. I just wonder if they should be held accountable for say a wrongful death. If the person they taunted or catfished killed themselves.

I often think that because bullying has no consequences that that is why it continues.

That if it had something truly scary to face. Maybe then kids would cut the shit.

We all know, those who have been bullied. That if you talk to an authority figure. Absolutely NOTHING happens. You still get bullied.

ladies. Hahaha isn't that rich?

And what of those rare occasions where those teachers where beaten by students on a gang like scene? What then?

Or in reverse in my situation? Where I was bullied for the majority of my life BY the faculty. Who do I turn to in a school and say, your staff is picking on me?

My last job had a bullying situation.

It was unbelievable to watch unfold. It wasn't even in my department per say. In the employee handbook it said they took bullying seriously. They had a senior staff member who was a out of control bully. She had great work history, but I guess her head got too big. She bullied everyone something awful and they lost countless people due to it. Here's the thing, while she did EVENTUALLY get fired for bullying. It took a while. A lot of new employees where very honest about why they were leaving. Many current employees made it known that all the reasons things never progressed or moral was low was bullying. Apparently this was brought up in staff meetings but went no where. It finally came to a head when they got a new boss on the floor, and a long time employee moved from one department down to that one. I guess her statement was more believable then that of new employees saying I'm leaving because I was bullying.

The thing that bothers me is. A why would a new employee lie? A new employee wants to fit in. They want to do there best. They have to learn the motion of the ocean real quick. They wanted that job. I doubt they wanted to leave that job so quickly. For one it never looks good on a resume. Do you know how defeating it is to be bullied that bad into leaving?

That is why I find it sad they did not listen to the previous statements. I understand that for a bullying case to stick. I guess they needed plenty of evidence. I know they certainly had it.

But in the case of schools. A friend of mine teachers whee toddlers. From babies to 3yr olds. And she has told me how early they start bullying.

Back to my statement on whether it's mental illness, they are being bullied elsewhere or if nothing at all is wrong. Are factors. Because listening to her. She has seen all three that young already and it's like wow if you can catch it that early. Again we could save lives on both sides of the situation.

Sorry random memory lane. Coupled with some random thoughts about current events.

[mmakehappy]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? i’ll try to do this chronologically again: so at the beginning of january one of my best friends left to study abroad in rome which was sad and i missed her a lot. i saw rory scovel do stand up. i took an animation class which was fun for the first few weeks until i failed it lmao. actually my classes from jan to march did not go so well tbh but whatever i made it through. my sister came to visit me the weekend before st paddys day which was super fun and then we saw panic which was soooooooo fuckin rad i love them still wow! i went home for spring break and visited a local winery w my dad which was a lot of fun and then a week later uhhh me and @carrot-gallery became gfs!!! and my whole frickin life changed bc i love her so much wow!! but then a week after that i turned 22 and spent my birthday alone! which i tried to pretend didnt make me sad but by the end of the day i was very sad about it and thats when my sweet gf called me to sing happy birthday and i sobbed on my couch and ill never forget that!!! so okay then spring quarter classes started and i was a part of depaul’s visiting artist series which was super cool... i met a lot of new awesome people (both at depaul and the industry ppl that were our guests!) and made some great friends in that class! i was a house manager and camera op which was super fun. i went to a screening of my fave professor’s short film which was also rad. i saw a ghost story at the chicago critics film festival, which was amazing. i saw idiocracy in 35mm and then mike judge did a q&a! the very next day i was house manager for depaul’s student film festival at the music box! i saw chris gethard do a live recording of beautiful/anonymous and then also do some standup, that was awesome. i saw day wave live!!! amazing! i spent an entire dystopian day dealing with megabus. that was hell! i sat at an outdoor amphitheater and even tho i couldnt really see him i got to listen to seu jorge sing david bowie covers and life was magical for a few hours. my sisters came up to visit me and we saw aladdin the musical and had our minds blown, it was soooo fun! i went to the chicago pride parade for the very first time but i went by myself and at one point i was sitting on the curb just crying! not a high point but still memorable. i won a ticket to an advanced screening of the big sick where kumail & emily were there to do a q&a after the movie.... had a fuckin blast OBVIOUSLY and then saw the movie 9 other times in various theatres. i also made it into a commercial FOR the movie i just loved it that much lmao! i moved into a new (and my current) apartment! lorde released melodrama and fucking murdered me in my own home. otherwise i had a pretty uneventful but anxiety filled summer bc of financial aid stuff so that really sucked. i saw good time w taylor and the safdie brothers were there to do a q&a and they were such interesting guys i could listen to them talk for hours honestly. my mom and sisters came up to visit me and we took our mom to her very first cubs game which was sooo so much fun and they won that day too!! it was awesome and we had a great time :) watched the eclipse (or tried to anyway!!) fall quarter classes started and i honestly kicked ass at them, i got on the deans list (i almost typed honor roll lmao i mean its basically the same) i hung out with ari again which was cool!! we went to the aquarium! me and taylor saw beach fossils which was honestly the most buckwild concert ive ever been to i think, it was good shit. i got jobs at AMC (which i have since quit lmao) and starbucks and left my job at the paint place which was bittersweet! me and taylor saw mbmbam live!!! so fun!! and we watched trolls that night and goofed on it so hard!! i went home for thanksgiving and found out my big sister is gonna have a baby this year!! :D i saw mike birbiglia do stand up! which was soooo incredible of course (except i felt bad bc my mom was supposed to come w me but she couldnt go! so i brought taylor lol) UMMMMM MY DAM GIRLFRIEND CAME TO CHICAGO TO VISIT ME AND STAYED FOR A WHOLE DANG WEEK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER SHE MAKES ME SO HAPPY WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AND I MISS HAVING HER RIGHT NEXT TO ME EVERY SINGLE GOSH DANG DAY <3 ;_____; and that was my year!!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? last year i said id like to read at least one book each month and watch at least 100 movies - i did neither! im keeping the movie resolution though bc cmon 100 movies should be EASY for a film major wtf am i doing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no but it will happen in 2018! 

4. Did anyone close to you die? not a person but we had to put down my sweet doggo, flash :(

5. What countries did you visit? still none :/

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? More confidence that I actually deserve to be in college and that I can do this shit and I’m awesome <– that was my answer from last year and the year before but yeah. same. also money.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ummm march 25 when me and gf became gfs and also dec 17 when she came to visit :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? putting myself out there by doing VAS/Premiere, getting on the deans list for the first time since freshman year and then also getting a new job

9. What was your biggest failure? this summer i didnt do shit besides wallow and cry and it sucked!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nope

11. What was the best thing you bought? every movie ticket and the bras i bought for natalie ;-)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? natalie’s because she’s amazing and works so hard!!!! and she can always cheer me up and im so in love w her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? mine bc i could never just get my shit together and do my homework when i was supposed to :) < thats from last year but lmfao same!

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT, movie/event tix, food, in that order

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE BIG SICK, the new season of sv, p much all of the events that i listed in the first question lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? umm honestly probably any song from melodrama

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier, b. probably thinner? or maybe the same idk, and c. definitely DEFINITELY poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? read and write and watch movies and write and read about movies

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and also being bitter about everything for no reason <– last year and the year before that AGAIN and also same!

20. How did you spend Christmas? working at AMC which i hated every second of :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2016? yes with my amazing girlfriend @carrot-gallery

22. What was your favorite TV program? silicon valley, AMERICAN VANDAL, the good place, great british bake off

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? nah just politicians who like. actively want me to die lol

24. What was the best book you read? bitch,

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? mitski like why the fuck did i sleep on her..... tbh thats about it bc i still listen to the same music i did 10 years ago

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a steadier/better paying job and i have it!

27. What did you want and not get? idk i wanted to be financially stable on my own and i still dont have that

28. What was your favorite film of this year? ugh i hate this question! ok in no order: THE BIG SICK, GOOD TIME, A GHOST STORY, GET OUT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? uhhh having my sweet girlfriend by my side each and every day 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? sometimes chic, always sweaty

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? kumail nanjiani duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, taika waititi, and martin starr always and probably more but i legit cant think of anyone rn lol

33. What political issue stirred you the most? yikes all of it. all of the issues (this was from last year but same lmao)

34. Who did you miss? i miss my dogs and my family and my girlfriend 35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. You can set goals for yourself and talk about it all you want but it’s nothing until you actually start working towards it and doing something about it. <– answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that, still true!! imma keep that. also idk just like, there are good days and super bad days and ive survived all of them so its just a reminder to myself that ill be okay.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. These days will all seem better in time Waiting on that hindsight