#anyway. wish i didn’t hate being gay so i can have nice things like this … maybe some day

[vintage-bentley]

in depth harry potter spoiler warning. but i wanted to talk about gay!dumbledore. what jkr really does well is the adult backstories. you meet the adult characters from an eleven year old’s perspective. as harry ages (in the last book he’s seventeen) he gradually learns new things about the adults and gains a better understanding of them as full people. but every single one of these adults was already the full person harry understands them as in book 7 all the way back in book 1. a lot of other ya authors try to imitate this and fuck up, either because they get excited and jump the gun, giving us way too much info way too soon, or because it’s blatant that the complexity was added later. dumbledore is a great example. in book 1 when harry first learns who he is (from the back of a candy box trading card with commentary from his friend ron) he’s this highly revered wizard who famously defeated the greatest dark wizard of all time pre-voldemort in a duel. when harry meets him it’s noted that his nose is crooked like it had been broken and never healed correctly. there’s a mirror that shows you your greatest wish and when harry asks what dumbledore sees he says a nice pair of knitted socks. harry can tell he’s lying but doesn’t push because he realizes that was a really personal question, but he doesn’t know dumbledore well enough to know what the truth would be. we get the full backstory drop in book 7. the simple version is: when dumbledore was a young man he was extremely close to another young man, one his brother didn’t like. they wind up in a three way brawl, dumbledore’s sister gets caught in the crossfire and dies. boyfriend up and leaves, brother breaks dumbledore’s nose at the funeral, boyfriend goes on to be the powerful dark wizard that dumbledore battles decades later. so even though harry didn’t know that backstory in book 1, it’s clear looking back it was already a part of him. anyway this is why it drives me bonkers when people say that dumbledore wasn’t gay in the books and jkr just said that after the fact for clout, because it’s an integrated part of his character and arc and has clearly been what jkr had in mind from the get go. no, harry doesn’t get the definition of homosexuality talk but homosexuality is absolutely there (and in more than just how close he and evil wizard were in backstory, in book 7 a homophobic tabloid journalist insinuates dumbledore was molesting harry). people act like him being gay was a retcon when it was just jkr being honest about what she wrote. sorry for the novel but yeah

Don’t be sorry, I’m glad to have this context!! Like I said, I haven’t read or watched HP so I’m completely clueless here and don’t really want to praise or bash Rowling over something I don’t know about. I lean towards praise though because it seems like anyone not caught on the “I hate JKR!” Bandwagon claims that Gay Dumbledore was handled well.

I really like the concept of finding out more about the adults as the child protagonist ages and gains new insight!

Tbh I imagine that this is a similar situation to GO S1: it’s not technically canon because it’s not explicit, and readers/viewers who either don’t want to see homosexuality, or are too entrenched in heteronormativity to think of spotting it, won’t see it. But LGB people and possibly even allies will spot it, because they’re either used to reading between the lines or are willing to see it.

So I don’t think she should be praised for explicit gay representation, which I haven’t seen anyone claiming (although like I said, I haven’t read the books so it’s possible I’d change my mind if I read them). But she’s much different from Neil in that she’s said “yes, it was my intention that he was gay, and there’s clues in the text that point to this and prove my intentions”. Neil has been like “yeah we called him the f slur and made him a gay stereotype for the laughs, but no he’s not gay. He can be literally anything else though”.

[veysxrge]

My Sunshine (M.R)

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Word Count: 1334

Warnings: None

Pairings: Thomas x Newt (romantic)

AU: Barista x Tattoo Artist, Modern AU

-

The next time Newt saw Thomas he was at the register. He definitely didn’t expect the brunet to be here this early but he definitely wasn’t upset at the fact. It was a Thursday so Newt was currently doodling on one of the cups, barely registering the bell ringing. He placed the cup on the counter, grabbing another one without looking up.

“Morning Sunshine.” Newt looked up to see Thomas, the guy that had been plaguing his mind for two days. He blinked a few times before smiling at him.

“Good morning Thomas, how are you doing?” He asked, quickly scribbling Thomas’ name on the cup before placing it down.

“Didn’t think you’d remember my name if I’m being honest, but I’m doing good. How are you?”

Newt laughed a bit, “Well, I don’t get called Sunshine every day, so safe to say you made an impression.” He said, leaning on the counter a bit, “Doing as good as I can during a slow shift.”

Thomas seemed to beam when Newt said he made an impression which made Newt smile a bit, “You getting that cappuccino again?” He asked, and if Thomas could smile more he did. He almost reminded Newt of a dog, if he had a tail it would most definitely be wagging.

“Yes please, almond milk and 3 pumps of vanilla.” He said, letting Newt write it on the cup before continuing, “Can I also get a medium iced toffee nut latte? With oat milk if you have it.”

Newt nodded, grabbing the second cup without questioning it and typing the order into the computer. “Is that all?” Thomas nodded and handed Newt his card.

They stayed silent as Thomas’ card processed and for once Newt wished it didn’t stay silent. When Newt handed his card back he spoke, “So is it safe to assume you may be a regular now?”

Thomas grinned, putting his card back in his wallet before giving Newt a onceover, “I think it’s plenty safe, Sunshine.” He said and Newt still wondered where that nickname came from, but it made him smile anyways.

He was working with Jeff today, and he grabbed the cups and handed Newt the cappuccino, subtly saying that there aren’t customers and he should make it. But Newt knew he just hated making cappuccino because he always messed up the cream. Newt cracked a soft smile before giving Thomas a two finger salute and went to make his drink once again.

He could feel Thomas’ eyes on him the whole time but he tried to ignore it. An incredibly handsome guy who gave him a nickname and might be flirting with him is staring at him? Normal everyday things, he was fine and definitely wasn’t fighting a smile at the thought.

After a few minutes, Newt heard Jeff call out Thomas for the first drink so he quickly finished up the design he always did and went to put a lid on his other drink. He walked over to the counter and made it there when Thomas did, giving him a smile before handing him his second cup, “Thomas.”

Thomas chuckled a bit, grabbing the cup from him and standing there for a second, “Have a nice day, Sunshine. Hope your shift is easy.”

Newt smiled a bit more, “Cheers, you too Thomas.”

They stared at each other for a second before Thomas smiled again and went to leave the shop. Once the bell dinged signaling his exit Newt let out a soft sigh.

“That was the most gay tension I’ve seen in a hot minute.” Newt almost forgot that Jeff was there, whipping around with his eyes bulging out of his head as he fought the embarrassment that was creeping up his sides.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” Jeff rolled his eyes, putting down the rag and placing a hand on his hip as he looked at Newt with a look on his face that screamed he was done with Newt’s bullshit.

“Bro, that dude was looking at you like you were an angel sent from heaven. He calls you Sunshine. Look I know you are a literal ball of sun, but if that’s not gay tension then you must be crazy good at keeping a secret boyfriend from us.” Newt bit his lip, holding back a giddy smile.

“He doesn't know my name, Alby still hasn’t gotten my tag remade.” Newt said, scratching his neck a bit, “Just being a friendly customer.”

Jeff shook his head in astonishment, “If that’s a customer-barista relationship then maybe I should give Miss. Jones roses next time she comes in.”

Newt barked up a laugh but he couldn’t say anything back, instead opting to greet the customer that walked in and pretending like he wasn’t thinking about his new favorite regular.

-

This time when Thomas walked in, Minho wasn’t there. He was a bit confused seeing as his friend never said he wasn’t coming, but it didn’t damper his mood. Thomas walked up to the front desk and placed the drink down in front of Teresa, who was the receptionist for today, “Hey T, why is it unusually quiet?”

Teresa looked at the drink as if it was an offering from heaven and gratefully downing half of it before she answered, “Had a last minute doctor appointment, said he’s gonna try to make it back before 3.” It was obvious she knew he was wondering where Minho was.

Thomas hummed, looking over at their coworkers who were currently working. Gally was intently tattooing the back of a woman’s calf, only having glanced up to shoot Thomas a nod when he heard the brunet walk in, but he was obviously busy now.

He turned his attention to the other station. One of the tattoo apprentices was sitting on the table as she doodled in her notebook. Thomas was pretty sure she was Aris’ friend, her name started with an S or something. Aris was sitting on the chair next to the table, scrolling on his phone as he waited for his next appointment.

He shook himself out of his thoughts before turning his attention back to his friend, “So, has the day been slow?” Thomas asked, noticing how there were only three artists in today and only one was working.

Teresa glanced up from the paperwork she was going over, “Wouldn’t you like to know, loverboy.” Thomas, having been in the middle of taking a sip of his coffee, ended up choking on some of it out of shock.

After coughing his lungs out for a minute straight he looked at Teresa with worried eyes, “What has he told you?”

“Oh nothing much, just how you came to work on Tuesday super chipper and looked like a kicked puppy when you came in yesterday.” Teresa’s eyes flicked up to him again, her bright blue eyes analyzing his face, “And it seems you’re back to chipper, care to tell me about this ‘Sunshine’? Or were you planning on keeping him a secret for a while?”

Thomas felt his face heat up at how she was calling him out, sputtering a bit as he tried to figure out the words he wanted to say. “I wasn’t keeping anything from you, just haven’t seen you much..”

Teresa raised an eyebrow as she eyed Thomas skeptically, “Texting is a thing, Tom.”

Thomas fiddled with the flap on the lid of his coffee, “I know, I just knew you’d give me shit for it. And I’m already dealing with Brenda and Minho’s teasing.”

Teresa rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her coffee, “I don’t think that’s it.” Thomas hated how well she could read him, “But, I’ll let you off the hook for now.”

He raised an eyebrow, there was no way she’d let that go so easily, “What’s the condition?”

A wide grin appeared on her face, “You tell me everything about him and keep me updated on him.” Thomas couldn’t hold back his smile.

[logically-asexual]

so i don’t know what to say to this one. mostly i don’t know how to feel.

this is getting long so i’m putting it under read more

first of all. of course there’s going to be perks that people want out of the patreon, otherwise why would they pay. the top tear costs 2,690 mexican pesos a month which is more than what i earned by working 10 hours this week, that’s gotta be worth something.

most of the discourse around the patreon is contradicting because sometimes people complain about there being nothing, only livestreams and merch discounts, and how that’s not fair to the people paying; and then sometimes people complain that there’s too much stuff, like the writers room and exclusive videos, and how that’s not fair to the people not paying. i don’t know what opinion to have here, mostly because i don’t have a patreon so i don’t feel like i have a right nor enough info to complain either way.

what you say confuses me because according to the descriptions of the tiers on the website the tier that gets bonus videos is the patton one, which isn’t that expensive and is the most popular one. and the top tier only gets the annual video call, surprise gifts and a poster as things that others don’t. so please forgive me but.. i don’t know if you’re telling the truth? and this is absolutely not meant as a bait for you to prove what you’re saying by telling me details you’re not supposed to. i don’t want that and don’t care about it. i just. i don’t know how to feel about all this.

i think that if thomas has this content that he wasn’t going to post anyway (i heard about a Sanders Sides episode that was sponsored but something didn’t work out with the sponsor so they couldn’t post it on youtube, and there’s also the extended versions of stuff) like then i don’t really mind that the patrons get to see it. i wasn’t going to see it anyway so who cares.

what does concern me is whether the production of patreon exclusive content is getting in the way of sharing content with the rest of us. because. if you have time to make something, and you can either do something for the public or for the patrons, then the ones paying you will always have the priority. so if the team is dedicating a lot of time to patreon, and that’s the/ part of the reason cartoon therapy is gone and the wait for sanders sides gets longer and longer every time then. im annoyed and upset. and wish they could do better.

also moving on you talk about the annual call and i am just so conflicted about that too. so much of the fandom has this parasocial i guess relationship with thomas because he’s just so nice and friendly and refers to everyone by name and replies to most things he’s tagged on etc. and that’s nice i love that and it’s made me feel very happy when he sees my silly fanart. parasocial relationships are probably not 100% bad and there’s good that can come from them, but there’s also negatives. and this thing you said about it feeling like you’re friends with him but that that could die as soon as you stop paying is really weird and i don’t know what to think about that. i personally wouldn’t sign up for that even if i had the money, my mind isn’t stable enough to process that kind of thing.

if what you say is true i definitely hate that you guys know all this information about Sanders Sides that we don’t because. i’m very upset that he’s sharing that lore and info by just like. talking about it to the paying fans. instead of actually making the damn episodes. sounds like rowling saying dumbledore is gay with zero intention of addressing it in the text, just to get attention. why don’t you behave like the professional writer that you are and go write an actual story where you address the things you’re talking about? instead you’re behaving like me, a random tumblr user with a hobby, who gives up on writing in a fanfiction due to laziness and inexperience and just posts the bullet points on tumblr to get validation.

anyway im sorry. in conclusion.

i think it’s fair that the patrons get good rewards for what you pay. i just do in fact find the specific rewards they offer questionable. not because it’s fair or not. but because of what it means for the actual videos that will be produced. the writers room and video calls will affect the series no matter how much they insist they won’t. and revealing those secrets shows that the production of the episodes isn’t going well or that it’s going the ‘tell’ route instead of ‘show’. which sucks.

[pjulian]

Lilac Patisserie - Aptly named for gay nerds

In the mood for some gay brunch and pastry, Saturday morning brought us to the ever fancy “lilac patassery,” as julian calls it.

Like many white people coffee spots in the area, I had been wanting to try it out for a while. A decently long line of people awaited as we got there.

They seem to have a large collection of cakes and tarts and things that made me want to pee myself or something. Truly tempted by the lemon cheesecake but the lemon merengue tarts captured me more. Lemon will always be seductive to me.

Anyways, a cute $80 pricetag for two mains, the tart and two lattes and we were seated.

A wonderfully gay man informed me and julian that he would “recommend that we cut the tart” after he watched us nearly break our forks trying to take bites. Tart pictured here, post destruction:

Things came out pretty quickly, lattes following soon after. I always enjoy cute latte art, although they gave me the GIRL design. Just kidding. The lattes were a decent size, julian’s was his coveted mocha, mine was a caramel latte.

Unsure if caramel meant sea salt caramel? A sip of mine tasted almost salty, however it was quickly fixed with a sugar packet. Very good afterwards.

Post-latte was only another few minutes until the food came out. I got the classic breakfast, something delightfully american. julian got his favorite french toast.

The breakfast was good. Being a bakery, they had some thick fluffy bread for toast which was its own experience. A little sugary for my taste but, good nonetheless. The potatoes were my favorite part, mostly nice and soft and well seasoned (with the exception of one half raw piece). That being said, Lilac makes an interesting decision to pair the potatoes with a sea of roasted onion and bell pepper. Honestly I didn’t even touch the onions, not wanting to deal with the monstrosity of onion breath for the rest of the year. The apple chicken sausage offered was a little bland, but good. Not an exceptional amount of flavor but I just love sausage. Overall the food was decent but not spectacular.

Most of the points for this place come from the atmosphere. Nice lavender walls and a really clean and dainty french feel. I don’t know how often i can justify a full breakfast at the price point but it’s definitely a place to return to. Campy and gay enough for me!

★ ★ ★ ★ / 5

Warm wishes,

pj

Read julian’s thoughts on his food below ⬇️

i was most surprised by the speed of the service as pj already pointed out, everything was delivered to us pretty quickly and paced out well. the tart itself i enjoyed but im also not really one for messy food and the gay guy telling me how to cut the thing was embarrassing so i cant really give it too glowing of praise but its also a pretty personal thing, if you like creamy desserts and gay men humiliating you then its probably great. the mocha was good just a little too sweet, i prefer it a bit more bitter but again thats personal taste it was still very good. i liked the leaf on it was very sad when i drank it to the point of complete dissolution.

the french toast was served with a cup of butter, syrup, and a side of assorted fruit. pretty average presentation but strawberries with french toast is like crack to me so i cant bring myself to care too much, dont need anything too exotic to enjoy the meal with.what definitely surprised me though was that i typically hate blueberries but the ones served here were actually great with a very consistent ripeness and sweetness to the point that it may have turned me around on the fruit a little. like sorry blueberries i didnt realize you could taste like that. the toast itself was pretty decent too although i wish it was served with a little more syrup, it was like a tiny cup i need the whole gallon.

despite lilacs pattassery not entirely aligning with my autistic inclinations id say it was a pretty good dining experience overall especially if youre normal. you got to hand it to white people. but only sometimes. id give it 3.5 stars out of 5.

best regards,

julian

Lilac Patisserie: 3.75 ★

[prisonpodcast]

Vent under cut tw queerphobia

Usually I don’t think about it too much but it just hit me that my parents would really not like me if they find out I like girls. Like I don’t think I’ll ever directly tell them at all, especially not until I move out, but like man. If they find out it could completely ruin our whole relationship. It’s wild to think about it, and I think that’s why I try not to 😭

Idk I’m just feeling a little down rn. My mom gets upset at any difference from the norm. She even gave me a lecture today about why I have to wear a bra because “it dosent look good without it” when I made a comment about mine causing me back pain and making me uncomfortable. And she’s made comments about lesbians being gross (I’m not a lesbian but like she probably thinks the same of any wlw). And my dad is like. Idk how to explain it but like Ben Shapiro/Matt Walsh pilled? Like he watches those people so his opinions are uh. Yeah.

It dosent help that I have a “friend” (I’m pretty pissed at her rn) that’s extremely queerphobic to both me and my other queer friend. We got into a screaming match argument like a week ago bc she said she would drop my other friend if he changed his pronouns (he was trying to test the waters to see if it was safe to come out to her as trans and it didn’t go well). And in the argument she made loads of crazy ass comments to both of us. I was doing most of the arguing back but she said things like we were both queer bc of mental illness and trauma. And she said I was probably “interpreting my feelings wrong” when it came to attraction towards girls. And she made a “joke” about how I probably SA people because I’m gay and when I was like wtf is wrong with you she was like “you called me transphobic” and I was like???? BECAUSE YOU ARE??? She said she would drop our friend because he’s trans?????

And she doesn’t think she’s homophobic because she reads BL porn and she doesn’t think she’s transphobic because she didn’t send hate to Elliot Page and Hunter Schafer 🤦‍♀️

Idk if this is coherent I know it’s pride month and like yayyy it’s ok to be gay and all but I really wish I wasn’t it actually really sucks that people will just have a problem with your existence for no reason and you just have to deal with all these extra problems cishet people will never know about or understand and if you say anything about it you’re a sensitive snowflake who should just get over themselves ☹️

Like the online spaces I’m in really had me fooled for a good long minute about how the world really feels about queer people. Because it’s not good. I’m just glad I can come on here and see everyone be so accepting and nice because without this my mental health would probably be a lot lot worse

And I think I’ve mentioned that I go to an all girl’s Catholic school? But the school is like really accepting lol we have a LGBTQ+ club and there’s pride flags all around rn and everything lmfao. It’s nice that that’s a safe space too even if some of the students are really queerphobic, but that’s to be expected anywhere. It just sucks that all these pride flags everywhere make it seem like the world is very supportive when it really just isn’t. And the people who are unsupportive think it is because of all the pride shit everywhere and then I have to listen to complaints about how queer people are overreacting because “everyone is accepting now look at all the rainbows, you don’t face any oppression” and it’s just so 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ SHUT UP how would you even know anyways you haven’t spend one single day being queer just shut up you don’t know what it’s like to constantly be scared of losing friendships and having your relationships with your loved ones be fucked up over something you have zero control over just shut up you don’t know anything 😭😭

[splattermouth]

Adaman for the ask meme!

ADAMAAAN ive come around to him a lot, compared to when i first played thru pla. 

(Also mind you its been a while since ive played and i took iridas route over adamans so i dont know. Every little detail about him. But i like him <3)

favorite thing about them: he’s so fucking funny, i love that hes like the straight man of hisui. Adaman is so fucking normal (genuine), and literally everyone else around him has like a secret bit they have to commit to or theyll die. And like he just has to deal w it. Like all of it. Everyone’s nonsense all the time. You can tell he’s so tired and he’s just trying to keep it together

Also obligatory, but his design is soo fucking killer. Ive only recently actually sat down to draw him n hes just so fun. So well shaped. I like irida’s design on its own a lot, but like compared to adaman? they did her so dirty.

least favorite thing about them: I WISH WE GOT MORE OF A BACKSTORY WITH HIM UGGH i hate to compare him to Irida sm here, but she got like. A very clear story of struggling to accept her new position as clan leader after being abruptly shoved into it. Of the rest of her clan either having insanely high expectations for her, or in Palina’s case, feeling like she didn’t deserve the position.

I get Adaman’s whole thing was Supposed to be that he struggled to earn respect from the rest of the Diamond Clan until Dialga outright Possessed him (which that part is fucking sick. For the record), but i wish they just made it more apparent that. That’s What was supposed to be happening lol. 

Because idk, at least to me, definitely the rest of the clan members were kinda bratty, but i never got the impression they were that way specifically Because they thought Adaman was a weak leader, you know? I didn’t even like realize that’s what was supposed to be happening until like. Reading a few other posts abt Adaman’s position in the story dhdfhgkg Good and interesting ideas w his arc just poor and kinda rushed execution imo!!

favorite line: that one fucking line @ irida towards the end of the main game that was like. ‘I don’t think our rivalry is a Diamond and Pearl Clan thing. I think it’s just a You and I thing.’

lives in my brain.

brOTP: for the love of god i need him and irida to be friends that fucking hate each other.

They are at each others throats over Everything, they will argue Everything just for the sake of arguing, if they every agree w each other on any matter they will both collapse on the spot. They are so sick of each other, but also they are best buddies and no one knows them like They know the other. It’s so fun…

OTP: AH im sorry he’s very aro to me. Both bc I don’t think there’s rly a lot of ppl he could be shipped with anyway, but also he does not strike me as someone who has a romantic interest in. like anyone.

He strikes me as a chaste bisexual man who has never felt an ounce of infatuation for another person in his life. He’s just very buddy-buddy w a lot of people, and he’s happy w that <3

nOTP: so i wouldnt say its a notp bc i dont like. vehemently Hate it, and i think there Could be potential. but im sorry, appraisalshipping makes me kinda :/ a fair amount of the time.

Some stuff is cute, yeah, but most of it is just reeks of ‘i only watch/read/play things for shipping and specifically to ship gay prettyboy twinks’ to me. Adaman and Volo have maybe had all of five lines w each other.

I think there could genuinely be something cool to explore there, like contrasting just how immediately trusting Adaman appears to be of Volo? Compared to Irida who calls Volo's bluff right off the bat for being way too friendly w the protag to be completely genuine. With Adaman just tending to be a more open and friendly person than Irida. Adaman putting his faith in someone he absolutely Should Not just because hey! Adaman’s just a nice person like that! He's not gonna be mean to this guy he just met just bc he's a little overeager! But like god knows no one has any interest exploring That dynamic lmao.

anyway if you ship like adaman/akari im legally allowed to break all of your fingers, slowly and individually

random headcanon: I think he should be like 5’5” at most. He’s short and he’s fat i know this in my heart of hearts.

Also despite always talking about utilizing the time he has to the fullest, he doesn’t strike me as someone that pushes himself or other ppl to constantly be Doing and Accomplishing things, so much as he tries to make every moment meaningful and wants others to do the same. I don’t think he’s all that headstrong as some people may describe him, and i dont think he’d necessarily be someone that thinks like. Taking a nap is a cardinal sin. I think he just wants people to put their limited time on this world to something that matters to them rather than petty bullshit (like arguing w the pearl clan sdhk).

ALSO also less an adaman specific headcanon, but i do personally like to think most of the diamond clan are family, or at least all the main members we see. I know hes canonically brother to melli and mai i think? But i think theyre all one big dysfunctional family and theyre why iscan never leaves the coastlands to visit anymore.

unpopular opinion: i dont think hes boring sorry!! Im guilty of think this at first as well tbf but MAN. going back to the what i dont like abt him thing. Knowing now thats what his whole character arc is supposed to be just makes me :(. He wants to be a good leader and he loves his friends and family a lot and takes such good care of them and they literally like. Do not care until dialga outright tells them to take its little thrall seriously for once. Man. man. 

song i associate with them: DHGJKDFH Animal Collective Merriweather Post Pavilion on main. My Girls feels very adaman-core.

favorite picture of them: So theres like zero actual canon art of him outside of just ingame screenshots but i do like this breezy lil adaman here. annoyed…

[bradleymarshall]

Man I feel shit

I saw Jordy today and I just went for it and talked to him

He said he felt uncomfortable at first but he wouldn’t end a friendship over that

It was nice to get some closure with him honestly

I feel sad though

Moving on

He said I can’t fathom what it’s like to have parents who don’t accept you

I know my dad does but my mum deep down

She’s very upset about it etc

Anyways

I just said

Hey

I don’t want things to be awkward between us

You know I just wanted to jam with you and be your friend

I wanted that from the start

But

I was just confused about the xs and when we danced and at one point you even said I have beautiful eyes

He showed me his friend and how they actually send xoxoxox all the time

No I don’t think he’s gay

Just wishful thinking

I hate that he was uncomfortable

But what can you do

Who knows

At least I feel like I got some closure

He’s in the next room and I feel stupid as all hell

But it’s my life I guess

I got to just come to terms with it

I can’t stay here and listen to him play

I described how my close friend before no longer spent time with me after that

I said

It’s not a homophobic thing

It’s just straight guys have a preference for straight guys as their friends

And that’s ok

But I guess for me it’s sucks

And I even admitted to being a virgin still cause I just don’t resonate with the lgbt community cause all they want is sex and drugs

And I’m just looking for love

I told him about the girl I dated for two years and even took to Paris

Idk

The more I talked though trying to explain my side

It’s like

I could see he didn’t really want to hear it

So I just left it there

And we started jamming

I guess the real tragedy is me

For him

He’s moved on

He admitted to being uncomfortable but he said he wouldn’t end the friendship over that

And I said how I hate things to be awkward and that I just want to jam and hang out

But I know

Things have changed now

I said do you want to jam

And he said

We’ll id love to

But I’m actually meeting Emiliano now for a jam

I know he wasn’t lying

I just feel like such as idiot

I wish things weren’t so convoluted for gays

I said it sucks being gay

I wish I wasn’t

Parents would respect and love me

I would be able to have an engaging relationship with people

But I said

My guitar teacher tells me

Just channel it all into your music

You live the tortured Artist life

Channel that pain

I guess

That’s all I can have

At the end of the day

I just feel like I have nothing to show for anything

Collecting his likes like an idiot

I feel much better than I did a few weeks ago getting closure now

But I still feel shit

Like what if I never make it

Never become anything

And I’m just the loser who was left behind

They all seem like they have such happiness and prospects for the future

And I’m just here

An old man amongst teenagers listening to them so talented and jamming and having fun

And I’m disconnected from everything

Even Adam who wants me only for my body in the gay world I can’t even connect with

I feel like it all amounts to nothing

All my efforts

Everything

What do I have to show for myself

Just a lost life

With no connections and friends

At least I have you

That’s what I’m grateful for

I can’t imagine having no one and I don’t even know how I survived

I’m so grateful for you and I’m looking forward to seeing you on Sunday

Even though it feels good to talk to him and get everything I was waiting to say off my chest

I just feel like he’s unreachable now

But then before he knew

I was still an arm length away

Never able to truly connect

Ah well

Pain

Seems to be all I know

And god does it hurt

Maybe it is loneliness

He’s wearing the same green hoodie he wore when he first saw me

When he hated me

All I saw in his eyes today was understanding but tolerance

As though he was waiting for Emiliano to come to rescue him conveniently away from me who was nothing but a drain

Damn

I wish I wasn’t a drain in his life

But then again

I just need to move on and find someone who isn’t a drain

God help me

I feel so shit about everything

[handelplayssims]

Righty! We’re entering into a new household this time! The Moody & McMillan household!

We got old gays with conflicting personalities and a GOAL. Well a goal for me at least. The goal is to make friends with at least one of these guys so I can pass the house along when they die! These two old men don’t have any children of their own, which nice and all, but the Sims 4 is implicity all about creating a linage to pass down homes as dying alone gives you a game over state. That being said, I haven’t ever objected to just giving a home to someone the elderly sim has a high relationship with. That’s how Cameron Fletcher slid into my played families! And it doesn’t need to be given away soon, just near the end of their lifespans.

I will also make note that the home lot for this family was designed by HeyHarrie! I’ll likely give my thoughts on the build at the end of the turn with the household, as it does give me enough time to determine whether or not I, as someone who doesn’t build much myself but plays extensively within a build, like it.

Right, that’s enough preamble, let’s play!

Breakfast time and this is the first time I can show off the new cooking layout! Alongside the kitchen stuff pack release, we got a rebalancing of the cooking menu with subfolders! Now personally, I wish for qualifications on breakfast, lunch and dinner foods but I’ll take the dietary restrictions.

Derek McMillan is a skilled chef, Ian Moody isn’t so we’re having him cook. We also have a chicken coop around so I purchase two hens and one rooster. ...oh and both Derek and Ian have a fear of dying. I’m gonna have them talk to each other about that to clear that off. Or at least Ian will since the want to clear that fear is on him.

-snicker- Remember that Neighborhood Watch about Ian becoming a Superstar actor and retiring from it? Well, it seems that it didn’t matter much to him as he’s getting no retirement pay from it! Which fine by me, but that’ll just be amusing when I see it pop up.

Anyway, Ian’s who we loaded into so let’s look at his whims. A drink of nectar as a foodie and to call someone. ...he literally has no one to call as his only social contact is Derek and the new chickens. Let’s get to work on that! Meanwhile, Derek has much calmer whims, listening to Baroque and Classical music. Welp, might as well! First purchase in this house! A stereo!

OH MY GOD. Birds are flying around Ian as he sings his beautiful music. That was a thing in Cottage Living’s trailer but never noticed how you got that. DISNEY PRINCE!

Hey Rahami Watson! Don’t leave! I want to make friends with- and there she goes. Alas and alack. Welp, at least I can fullfill the whim.

Also, gotta say, the sunsnow around here is super-pretty! Not like the British weather I’ve experienced at all. (Then again, this pack is all about an idealized British countryside life)

Let’s see...using a bar in the Cotswolds as a reference, thanks Google Maps, I won’t have Ian go off for his nectar until noon. That leaves me with Derek and his tunes and ohp! Both are sleepy! And both are retired so they can sleep and rise whenever they wish!

I hear a negative sting in the game and we have lost a chicken AND a fox has an egg! Le gasp! I haven’t had to deal with the Wild Foxes negative lot trait in a long while, as it’s only in Henford! Our chickens need protecting! That being said, Ian doesn’t hate foxes. On the contrary, I think he actually is rather fond of them. So instead of shooing this fox, we’re going to befriend him! ...or all of the foxes around could head off. Sure fine! And it means are chickens are safe for now. To bed with Derek!

Ian is first up! His whims, still nectar and to listen to Electronic music! ...well he’s hungry so lets finally head to the bar! Compared to many other bars in game, which just have the basic food options Get Together introduces, Henford-on-Bagley does have some expanded food options! Mostly from the person who built this bar, and perhaps their own research, pointing out that many British pubs do serve as restaurants as well as bars, in contrast to the US, which most bars just have drinks and paltry food selections.

Anyway, let’s introduce ourself to the barkeep and check in on her errands! Several NPCs within Henford-on-Bagley do have small quests you can do for them. A Friendly Visit would work well with Ian’s wants and whims so let’s pick that up! What we are to do is to talk to the other Henford-on-Bagley major NPCs! They’ll pop up around the square but it’s in the evening so that won’t work out. Anyway, Ian’s aspiration is to become a Friend of the World so let’s go and chat and befriend Sara while we’re at it! This old man is certainly taking his time befriending Sara. Going to have to run around the socials so many times around. Making it worse is that I have to manually pick the socials rather than just relying on what pops up first since she’s a bartender and so it buries the socials under the menus rather than just popping them up naturally. Finally befriended her around 2AM. Now we can head home and listen to our favorite tunes...which incidentally, aren’t Sara’s favorite tunes. I would argue about that but I want them to be better friends first so it doesn’t ruin their relationship.

Derek’s whims didn’t refresh since I left mid-sleep but that works out fine by me. He wants to start writing a new book thanks to his best-selling author aspiration. That we can get to work on now! (Also would make some nice passive income in our retirement)

-sighs as Ian gets a Social Bunny notification- He would have Facebook, wouldn’t he? Ian’s a bit too social not to. I got a notification of foxes and NOPE! Let’s have Derek go pester them! ...and it’s 5AM already. Wow. Can’t believe it’s time for-

Neighborhood Watch!

Nothing of note has happened recently. Check back tomorrow.

...BOOOOOOO!

[idontexistherebuticould]

Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist

But then I would miss out on the good things

Like kissing my girlfriend

Laying in the grass on a nice day

Taking photos with friends

Game nights

Cat snuggles

Excited dog butt wiggles when they see you for the first time in a little bit (esp when they make that air snort noise they make)

Learning a second language and being horrendous at it but keeping on anyways

Forehead kisses when you’re napping on the couch

Driving with the windows down on county roads listening to good music (bonus points if she’s there but I love it either way)

People who let you pet their dog in public

Farmers markets

Seeing joyful people in public who you can tell just seem to have something that powers them in a way not many do but the secret is one not even they know (I swear this makes sense in my head)

Women or Enbies who call me love or baby

Babes also works too

Especially when it’s a service worker (maybe that’s a product of working in the service industry but there’s something comforting about it)

People who stand by their convictions

Those who love me, every part of me, even the parts I struggle with, even the parts the world struggles with

Pride

Gay couples who aren’t afraid of being out in public

Queer media

Queer joy

Sparkles

Dresses

But also trans tape

And dressing like a “boy”

The euphoria of a good haircut

People who understand my pronouns even when I don’t (maybe not understand but they accept that we are all figuring it out together)

Love

Seeing little love moments in public

Like a couple giggling over a joke or moment no one else will ever get to experience

Or that conspiratorial smile when they are joking around

Seeing older couples still in love

Moving around a kitchen with someone you care for when food things have always been weird and cooking used to be like punishment bc it typically involved yelling and holding back tears

Having someone who understands your weird brain things even when you can’t explain them well

Being about to joke about things you once thought was a death sentence (even if you’re still a little sensitive and too scared to actually go get tested bc that makes it real)

Having someone who cares about you enough to suggest therapy

And going to the dentist

And offers to help you understand your insurance when you’re clearly an avoidance type of person who just won’t deal with it if you don’t understand it

Funny rituals even if you get the words wrong most of the time

When she understands what store I’m talking about even though I’m hopeless with the name of it (it’s the Amazon one. I swear I can get us there without the good why would I need the name)

Easy cook meals for when your brain doesn’t want to or can’t work quite right

When she turns on music you like even though she doesn’t like it quite as much to prove to you she doesn’t hate it bc you don’t use the right wording and she wants you to know she doesn’t hate it. (No really she will tell you)

Singing folk songs with god awful country accents

Writings stupid lists to make me feel better

Seeing little girls who don’t understand the weight being put on them by the world yet, running, yelling and having fun

Wearing pink

And wearing blue

Watching as the world slowly accepts more and more queerness and androgyny and gender nonconformity

The fight people put up for minority rights

Like black rights

Queer rights

Disabled individuals rights

Indigenous peoples rights

Seeing people stand up for those who need it is something I once thought I wouldn’t

Good music (I’m a lyrics person myself hbu?)

Video essays

Documentaries (I would say only the good ones but I’m a sucker for the bad ones too)

You😉 (no really you are a good thing I look forward to, every person I meet is someone who has so much love and potential and life that I will never know and that is such a good thing even if a bit daunting occasionally)

And lastly, myself, being out, being myself, trying my best to not be scared and put myself in the box that was built for me by my family and the society I grew up in.

I think that’s the good thing I try to look forward to most. I try to care about most. The joy of living as myself. Not the person I thought for so long I had to be.

[munsonkitten]

trying to stop my incoming essay but i’m also fed up.

if there’s anything i wish this fandom didn’t take and run with, it’s eddie’s hanky. it’s a nice thing to go “oh is that queercoding?” and to say “this is something i recognize as a particular symbol” but acting like it’s the only thing he could ever like is kind of strange.

like rue said, he wears it on both sides anyway. and also, even if eddie flags one way, he could meet someone where their kinks aren’t compatible, which is something people never want to explore but since we’re talking about “canon evidence of sexual preferences” like this then let’s also take a look at steve’s canon trauma involving being hit, tied up, cuffed and choked and think about how people are allowed to ignore that to make him that kind of sub no problem. it’s only fair, right?

people’s preferences can change, flagging isn’t the end all be all of being gay and a lot of people who do flag have more than one hanky that they wear on different occasions because they want different things on different days. just like anyone else with preferences for anything.

the idea some of you have, that whatever Eddie “flagged” with on one day in school is intrinsic to his entire personality, is kind of reductive. rue writes beautiful stories with thoughtful analysis of eddie’s character. they take trauma and life circumstance into account in ways people rarely do, and the stories happen to be sub eddie. they also mind their own business despite constant ridicule for fics people like anon don’t even bother reading before judging. if you hate sub eddie so much, block rue and anyone who posts it. if you look at someone like rue who doesn’t hide any of their headcanons, decide to follow, or look at their blog obsessively like anon most likely does, and still get mad at those headcanons, that’s on you and no one else.

I get why you like sub Eddie but don’t forget how he wore that bandana in his pocket. If queer sexuality codes are anything to go by, that boy is dominant as hell.

LMAO so I’ve never taken the hanky as anything more than metalhead fashion, I don’t think it was intentional flagging, people are allowed to headcanon whatever they want of course, but if you’re going to take the hanky code as law and use it as the reason people aren’t allowed to write him as a sub, then by your logic he’s a switch because he wears it on both sides in the show, so keep the same energy when its in the other pocket (:

[draculcid]

thinking about domestic harringrove.

little things like them sharing a blanket on their tiny loveseat couch after a long day at work, billy kissing his boyfriend’s forehead when he wakes up early in the morning, steve getting into bed much later than billy but still pulling him in to cuddle, them fighting over whose turn it is to vacuum, them packing each other’s lunches for work and leaving little notes every morning (things like ‘i love you,’ or ‘good luck on your meeting today!’ or tiny doodles of sharks and cats. and the most common notes are the ones with romantic threats), billy getting really dramatic when he’s sick because he’s used to being coddled now and steve just rolls his eyes at him but still pampers his boy and makes him soup and runs him a bath (billy enjoys his ‘sick perks’ and considers faking being sick just so steve can stay home from work with him even after he’s ok again).

yaaaa i just <3

[toovirgins]

I stumbled across this comment on YouTube earlier—and at first I was like haha nice but then I actually thought about it and I think there’s a really interesting opportunity for mclennon conspiracy discourse here. (yay!)

Under a cut because it’s a bit lengthy.

Nowhere Boy (2009) with Aaron Taylor Johnson and Thomas Brody Sangster: In this film about early John and his path to the Beatles, there are (arguably) new, nuanced details about his familial life and childhood/background that haven’t typically been conveyed in prior film portrayals of Lennon—and this “new, nuanced” bit comes from reading reviews and hearing comments about how many people watching the film (what I would consider, like, a “general population” of Beatles fans) didn’t even know about the details of his mother’s death. In the film, there’s a scene where Paul’s playing Julia’s banjo, and long story short John gets in a fight with someone and tosses the banjo and storms out. Paul follows him out there and he punches Paul in the face, who goes crumbling to the concrete. So, that’s the “punching scene”. The point is, Paul McCartney reportedly made it very clear that that never happened (i.e., that John had never hit him) after he saw the film and was not happy about it. (I’ve heard this “not happy about [the film]” narrative over and over, but I can’t seem to find any great direct quotes from Paul, other than people saying that Paul wasn’t a fan and suggesting he wasn’t happy about certain other portrayals [lol]- so if anyone has any, I’d love to hear about it!). Essentially, in response, Taylor Johnson tried to defend the emotional validity of the film and suggested, like, well we think John probably wanted to hit Paul a lot of the time, and the movie is just activating an interpretation of that. But, yeah, the point was that Paul was pissed about the punch scene and was reportedly very adamant that John never, ever hit him. And it’s not as though Paul had issues with the violence of it, because if it was that, why would he discuss it as an inaccuracy? Is there a nicer way to punch someone in the face? And, that would be completely neglecting the 0.2 seconds later when John realizes what he’s done and pulls Paul into a tight hug, which forms a very beautiful street shot of one morphed being shortly thereafter (side note: creative decision meant to emphasize the oneness in their bond of losing their mothers? anyway).

Two of Us (2000) television drama with Jared Harris and Aidan Quinn: First off, I feel like it’s worth mentioning that this is directed by Michael Lindsay-Hogg (who is also the director of Let it Be (1970), so... guy who spend hours upon hours with and watching the Beatles?). In this movie, there’s an elevator scene where John and Paul are messing around, cracking jokes and getting in a playfight and whatnot, and in the midst of it all John kisses him. After a couple of seconds, Paul pushes him off and doesn’t say anything for a moment. Then, he just makes a joke (”Just ‘cause Yoko’s away doesn’t mean you have to stop brushing your teeth”) and they laugh it off. Contrary to Nowhere Boy, Paul rather liked Two of Us as remarked on by Aidan Quinn in an interview on April 18, 2004: “Just after I finished the film, I went on holiday and Paul McCartney was staying at the same place. I met him and we became quite friendly. Later, he saw the film and fortunately he liked it. It would have been terrible if he'd hated it.” It appears that Paul is very complimentary of Two of Us - hence, the joke in the fandom that like “paul likes the kissing scene”. Paul hasn’t said anything about the kiss directly that I can find (sus in and of itself), but there’s been reasonable arguments made for the validity of the scene in that all of the other portrayals of John and Paul in the film are so accurate and realistic and truthful (see: Martin Lewis quote)—why would this detail be any different?

We could analyze these films and creative decisions separately and in comparison for hours and hours, but I find the McCartney responses a particular area of interest. Because don’t we think if Paul was adamant about setting the narrative straight on things that did or didn’t happen between him and John, and if he wanted to continue to push his ever-insistent narrative of ‘John wasn’t gay bc if he was he would’ve made a pass at me (or someone else) in 20 years’, he would also want to make it very well-known that the kissing scene didn’t happen either? With the same level of insistence? Though the movies themselves aren’t reduced to these two polarized scenes, is it not worth considering why Paul chose to speak out about one, but not the other? If it was an issue of setting the record straight (no pun intended), would Paul not wish to exercise the same amount of caution with kissing scenes as with fighting scenes, especially given what we know about how he has typically viewed and discussed sexuality? 

Or, could it possibly be that the kissing scene—in its presentation of playfighting, spontaneity, a brief moment of confusion and realization, then laughed off and construed as a joke—isn’t an inaccuracy?

[bestiesenpai]

youtuber Sukuna

I beg you to read the shitposts I made about this, they are delicious. You don’t have to of course but...if you loved me you would :) s/n = screen name, and I hope you chuckle at Sukunas screen name

Content warning: uhmhm lowkey incel shit(mean internet comments and whatnot)

part two --- part 3

Name: Sukuna. Age: 25. Height: 6 foot 5 inches. Occupation: toxic Youtuber, fitness trainer and hot guy.

Sukuna wasn’t exactly known for being kind. He wasn’t nice to others, rarely having anything good to say about anyone, and he’d made a successful Youtube career out of it. First starting as a fitness trainer at his gym, through encouragement from his clients and the notion of a quick cash grab, he started Youtube.

He didn’t care about it and that reflected in the quality of his videos and editing. He didn’t have consistent uploads, just filming and posting videos whenever he wanted, analytics be fucked. But somehow, that worked out for him, and he quickly found himself with over two million subscribers just frothing at the mouth for his next video.

And those subscribers were some of the worst people. Sukuna didn’t care about fostering a safe space online for others, not in the slightest. His comment sections were atrocious, both on his Youtube and his Instagram. It was full of toxic men one-upping each other constantly and dragging on each other for not being able to work out as much as Sukuna did.

Sukuna was a large part of why his fanbase were so toxic. He himself often made bad comments about others, whether fellow creators or people that happened to appear in the backgrounds of his videos, and on more than one occasion he’d been ‘cancelled’. None of that mattered though, all he cared about was shitting on other people and making money.

Sometimes he played video games and posted it, but not too often. Sukuna often stated he wasn’t so much of a fucking lonely loser that he’d play video games all the time, and so the gaming videos he did post were few and far between. He played angry shooter games and GTA, mindless button clicking he could get lost in for a few hours for a video.

Laying in bed one night after uploading his most recent video, one where he rages at 12 year olds on GTA online, Sukuna was just scrolling through his phone mindlessly. After he uploads video game content, like clockwork, he gets recommendations for gaming channels. He only watches a few of them, mostly leaving mean comments saying what losers they are, but one catches his eye.

He’s never been recommended this kind of video before. The thumbnail is light and bright with some pink aesthetic lights in the back. But the most enticing thing is the person in the middle, cute pink cat ear headphones on and a bright smile.

“Let’s see…” Sukuna mumbles to himself, mindlessly clicking the video. He hasn’t even read the title, he only clicked it because they were cute, and here he is nearly blinded by the bright setup they have.

“Hi everyone, it’s (Y/N) here and I’m really excited today! We’re going to be playing this new game I found!” Sukuna is immediately enraptured by the sound of your voice, watching how your face changes as you talk. His eyes drift off to the decor behind you, cute plushies and healthy plants, and some twinkling fairy lights. There’s books as well, and your chair is one of those ergonomic gamer chairs he has as well but in pink.

Sukuna watches the video dumbly, totally in the dark about whatever you’re doing, but loving it all the same. All he knows is that he likes the sound of your voice, and when you laugh and smile at a funny part in the game, it makes a light flush come to his cheeks.

It only takes one video for Sukuna to spiral into more of your content. He watches a video on your gaming setup, and he’s surprised that so much technology can come in pink. He watches a video on how you edit, a few of you cooking in your kitchen, and even a few vlog videos.

He quickly subscribes to your channel, and when you plug your social media, he immediately goes there. Pulling up your Instagram, he stares at your profile picture and almost audibly coos at you for being cute.

Your profile is just as cute as your videos are and Sukuna barely remembers to follow you before he’s going through your whole feed, liking every picture he sees. Sometimes he leaves comments, only one word though, ‘cute’. He’s never liked something so outright cute before, it wasn’t who he was and it definitely didn’t fit with his brand.

Falling asleep after following you on every platform, Sukuna wakes up thinking about you as well. And he also wakes up to hundreds of comments from all his accounts, bombarding him with questions and screenshots from last night.

‘SUKUNA WHY WOULD YOU LIKE THIS SHIT?!’

‘OMG Sukuna liked (Y/N)s posts!!’

‘Sukuna is so gross and toxic, you better stay away from (Y/N)!’

‘SUKUNA YOU GAY NOW’

‘EW why the fuck do you like this bitch?’

There were hundreds of comments that he waded through. Most were from his fans, expressing disgust at how many photos of yours he’d liked and wondering why he, Sukuna, most heterosexual alpha male on the planet, would like a pretty in pink Youtuber who had bubbly intros and whined when their animal crossing villagers wanted to move away.

Other comments were from your fans, some in awe that he would like you considering how much he said he hated overly cute things. Other fans expressed concern, worried what this might mean for their favorite Youtuber. Did Sukuna want to cause problems, potentially hurting you? He did have a reputation of bullying others, so this wasn’t far fetched.

Checking your Instagram, you didn’t make any comment about it. There wasn’t any update or anything, but on his end he was being tagged in endless Twitter threads with screenshots of him liking your posts and commenting under them.

“For fucks sake.” He grunted, clenching his phone in his hands. The amount of notifications he was getting were starting to upset him and he nearly threw his phone to get them to stop.

Ignoring his phone for the rest of the day, Sukuna went to the gym like he always did and trained with his clients. Some of them brought it up to him, asking him if he had a mind break last night and forgot what he was doing. Sending them harsh glares, Sukuna refused to talk about it.

“Oh my fucking god.” Sukuna nearly wailed when he got home, finally checking his phone. His name and yours had begun trending, and the hashtag #protect(Y/N) was also. Muttering angrily under his breath, Sukuna turned on Instagram live.

“Okay what the fuck!” He shouted, seeing the live become instantly flooded with people all screaming about you and him. “You’re all fucking annoying, you know that?” Glaring harshly at the camera, he read some of the comments that went by.

‘WHY’D YOU LIKE (Y/N)S POSTS FROM 2017’

‘Are you two secretly dating??’

‘COLLAB!’

“Who gives a shit why I liked their stuff, you’re a fucking weirdo for keeping track of me. And we aren’t secretly dating, dipshits.” Rolling his eyes, Sukuna scoffed as more comments came in begging for a collaboration. “And think about it you morons, why would we collab? Our shit is too fucking different, what would we even film about?”

Sukuna stayed on Instagram live for nearly an hour answering questions asking about you. Every time he had to answer that you weren’t secretly dating, he got a little more annoyed. Not at the comments themselves but at the fact that it was true; you didn’t even know he existed.

Ending the live in a huff, Sukuna didn’t feel any better than before, and it was made even worse by the fact that everything he said was being relayed to Twitter, and you were tagged in every tweet.

“These idiots!” Staring at his phone, Sukuna couldn’t believe what he was seeing. On your Instagram stories, you’d posted a q&a for your followers, and nearly all of the comments were about Sukuna.

“Hi everyone! No, me and Sukuna aren’t dating!” You said, laughing a little to ease how uncomfortable you were. “To be honest, I’ve never even heard of him before! As you know, my content is very...different from his, so our circles don’t exactly intersect. But I’m always happy to have new followers and potential friends!”

“Fuck me.” Sukuna groaned, cringing at how uncomfortable you looked having to address the sudden onslaught of questions. For once he wished he’d actually given a shit about his online presence, so that maybe one day your circles could intersect. He knew he scared you, he scared a lot of people, and this was just proof.

“Uh, Sukuna if you see this, hi it’s nice to meet you!” You said in the next slide, puffing out your cheeks and waving cutely at the camera. It made Sukuna blush, and he hated it. “Thank you for following me and liking my content! I was very surprised that you found me!”

“Of course I did, idiot, you’re fucking cute.” He muttered under his breath.

“I know a lot of people are asking for us to do a video together and I know our content is really different, so don’t feel pressured to respond or anything, but the offer is open! If you’d like, we can collab on something.”

“On what?” He asked like you were there.

“I cook sometimes, and I know you cook too! Maybe we can make a cooking video? You can teach me how to make healthy food or something!” Sukuna could tell a fake laugh when he heard one, and you definitely had one right now. “Anyways, thank you! Bye Sukuna!” But hearing you say his name cutely like that made him not care.

He nearly responded right away, accepting the collab offer now that you’d spoken about it, but he didn’t want to seem desperate. He watched through the rest of your Instagram stories, going back and replaying the parts where you talked about him over and over and his heart clenched every time when you said his name.

In the dead of night, Sukuna DM’s you after watching your latest video and leaving the simple comment ‘check your DM’s’.

“Fuck, what should I say?” He’s suddenly stumped as he looks at the keyboard. Typing and retyping a message, in the end all he can say is hi. He doesn’t expect a reply, ever, but when he gets a vibration on his phone two seconds later he jumps to read it.

(S/N): hi Sukuna! :)

(cursedgod): hey

Real fucking smart, repeating what he just said.

(S/N): is there something you wanted to talk to me about?

(S/N): I hope you haven’t been annoyed at all the notifications you’ve been getting!

(cursedgod): No it’s okay

(cursedgod): we can collab if you want

Good Sukuna, good. Play it cool, don’t let them know that your fingers are actually trembling because you’re nervous.

(S/N): do you want to?? I don’t want to pressure you! I know we’re pretty different haha

(cursedgod): yeah, let's do it. Cooking?

(S/N): sure!

Looking around his home, he was suddenly assaulted with the fact that he didn’t have any furniture. He barely had a proper bedroom, just a mattress on a bare frame and a dresser. His lounge room was the same with his computer setup in one corner and then nothing else. There was only a couch, a mounted TV and a fold out table and chairs for his dining room.

(cursedgod): I know a studio kitchen we can use, I’ll send you the address

Thank god he’d done promo work for a brand in a studio one day, otherwise he’d be fucked.

(S/N): awesome! I’m free next Saturday!

And just like that, it was a date. Well, a meeting. Sukuna knew it wasn’t a date, but his heart still thumped like it was one. Confirming the time, he ended the conversation with a curt goodbye and obsessed about it throughout the night.

When the day to meet you came, Sukuna nearly ran late trying to pick out his clothes. He’d never cared about looking good or presenting himself well in front of others, whatever version of him he turned up in was what they got. But for you, he wanted to try a little harder.

Waiting outside the studio space, Sukuna rubbed his hands together nervously. You’d messaged a day or two ago offering to put the video on your channel since it probably wouldn’t fit his aesthetic, so he didn’t have to bring his shitty camera equipment.

“S-sukuna?” Snapping his head up, Sukunas mouth fell open looking at your curious face a few feet away, an Uber driving off behind you. You were even cuter in person, just his fucking luck. How was he expected to act like a normal person when his recent obsession was here looking better than he could have imagined.

“Hi.” What comes out is a grunt, not the smooth word he’d hoped. He can see you eyeing him up, taking in all the thick and corded muscles of his body. It made his chest puff out a little, he worked hard for this physique and to have you so openly looking at him made him happy.

“It’s nice to meet you!” Sticking your hand out, you smiled politely at him.

“Same.” Shaking your hand with a firm grip, Sukuna could feel the difference in your palms. Yours was soft and nicely moisturized and he had callouses everywhere and a few cuts and scrapes.

Opening the door for you, Sukuna led you to the studio space he’d rented out. It was a clean and modern kitchen, not unlike his own, but it had appliances and looked actually lived in. Helping you set up a few camera angles, Sukuna felt a pang of nerves hit him in the stomach.

“Sukuna, can we take a picture together?” You asked before starting, and Sukunas brow furrowed deeply. Why would you want to take a picture with him? His expression must have scared you, because you quickly backtracked. “F-for promo for this video, on Instagram and stuff!”

“Sure.” God, did he feel bad or what. He shouldn’t have made that face at you, now you wouldn’t look him in the eye. Crouching down to get the right angle for you, Sukuna watched you pick a cute animal filter.

“Just do what I do.” Throwing up a peace sign, you cutely tilted your head from side to side and smiled. Sukuna tried to do the same but he looked awkward, and most of all he was blushing pretty bad.

You snapped a multitude of pictures, some at different angles and some with different filters, and in all of them Sukuna was blushing at least a little. He managed to smile more as it went on, even laughing at one of the filters.

“Thanks! I’m going to post these really quick and then we can get started!” Giving him a brief smile, you turned back to your phone and set about editing some of the pictures. Looking over your shoulder, Sukuna could see that he looked like a blushing high schooler meeting their idol for the first time and not a grown man.

Once the photos were posted and you tagged him in everything, it was time to start. Setting up your marks on the floor, you took a generous drink of water and cleared your throat.

“Are you ready for the intro? I’ll start it and introduce you, okay?” You’d actually prepared a script for yourself, and showed Sukuna as well.

“Okay.” Stepping in front of the camera, Sukuna bristled at feeling you so close to him. Your arm brushed his casually as you were fixing your shirt, and Sukuna was glad he’d worn his most expensive cologne for this.

“Hi everyone, welcome to today's video! As you know, I’m (Y/N), and today we have a special guest today!” Throwing your arms in the air, you motioned to Sukuna.

“Hi.” He nodded, barely cracking a smile. He could feel you looking at him like you wanted to say something, but he didn’t look.

“So, many people have been asking for us to do a collaboration and it’s finally here!” Clapping your hands lightly, you rocked on your heels and nudged his shoulder with yours. “Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?”

“Uh-” The playful nudge you’d given him was enough to make Sukuna short circuit. “I-I-” He suddenly couldn’t remember how to speak. “Rice?”

“Let’s try that again.” You laughed. “Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?” This time, you didn’t nudge him with your shoulder.

“We’re gonna…” the words were on the tip of his tongue, they wanted to come out and be spoken but he couldn’t do it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Nodding reassuringly, you took a deep breath in and out, and Sukuna shakily copied. “One more try?” When he looked at you, Sukuna expected to see a hint of annoyance in your face, but there was none. You were just smiling softly at him, waiting for his answer.

“Yeah. I’ll uh, I’ll get it next time.” Stepping away from the camera, Sukuna took a drink of water and cleared his throat. Cracking the bones in his neck, he took a deep breath and came back. “Let’s do it.” No more fucking embarrassments.

“Do you want to tell them what we’ll be doing today?” You asked for the third time, slightly swaying your body side to side this time.

“We’re gonna make katsudon today.” Finally, the words he wanted to say came out.

“That’s right! As you can see, Sukuna is really fit!” You immediately hopped in, giving his arm a brief squeeze. “And he knows how to make a ton of healthy meals!”

“Mhmm.”

“So I asked if he could help teach me, and all of you at home, how to make it!” Smiling at the camera, you waited a few seconds before relaxing and turning it off. “Did you like that? We can refilm it if you want.”

“No, it’s okay.” Running a hand through his hair, he pointed to the bag of rice he’d brought. “Let’s get started on this shit.”

Taking fifteen minutes to film the two of you filling up the rice cooker, when it was over, you set about getting aesthetic shots of the other ingredients. Sukuna tried to seem casual off to the side on his phone, but he was really watching you.

Getting started on chopping the ingredients, Sukuna somehow managed to say the things he was supposed to without stuttering too badly. He was amazed that you could make the things he was doing sound so interesting, your narration as you held the camera and tried to do things yourself was impressive to the man that barely knew anything about cameras.

“Sukuna, I need help cutting the meat.” You whined, tapping the meat on the cutting board with a knife. “I don’t remember how you showed me.”

“Here.” Without thinking, Sukuan grabbed your hand with the knife in it and moved it for you. “You just have to move your wrist more, it’s not that hard.” Doing it a few times, when Sukuna felt your chest expand with air against his, that’s when he realized how close the two of you were. “S-sorry.” Immediately jumping back, he stared at the floor.

“Thanks!” Giving him a smile, you kept at it.

“I’ll fry the meat.” Stepping in as soon as you were done, Sukuna already had the hot oil ready. He was eager to cook and do something with his hands instead of - what he felt like - was awkwardly watching you off to the side.

“Okay!” Grabbing the camera, you focused on the pan. “You’re really good at this, Sukuna!”

“T-thanks.” Staring directly at the pan, Sukuna didn’t look away. Even with the hot oil popping up from the pan a few times and burning his fingers, he didn’t flinch at all.

“Ow!” But you did. Your hand had gotten too close, and when Sukuna flipped the meat, some of the oil had gotten on your hand.

“Shit.” Abandoning the pan, Sukuna was ready to drag you over to the sink for some cool water.

“I-it’s okay, it was only a little.” Shaking your stinging hand, you point to the food. “But I think the meat might burn.”

“Shit!”

Narrowly avoiding disaster with the meat, when it came time to cook the eggs, you made a joke about how you liked your eggs in the morning and Sukuna burnt them almost immediately. While not an overtly sexual comment, the implications of the words still affected him.

Somehow, he managed to make the dish come together and while his plated dish didn’t come out the best, yours looked at least halfway decent with overcooked meat and burnt eggs. The only things not messed up were the rice and vegetables, and even then Sukuna was surprised.

“We did it everyone, we made katsudon!” Holding up the bowls, you smiled big and nudged Sukunas shoulder again. “You saw we had a few mishaps along the way, but that’s okay, that’s what made it fun.”

“Yeah, it was fun.” Sukuna chuckled. Despite him being more nervous than he’d ever thought possible, he had fun cooking alongside you.

“Sukuna, will you try mine? I made it super pretty and everything.” Holding your dish up to him, Sukuna wasn’t expecting you to do that. Now he felt bad that his looked so ugly and like a teenaged boy made it; he almost said no.

Eating yours though, somehow it tasted better than he was expecting. It must have been how you prepared it, and the fact that you cared so much about the presentation. Eating it in silence, he let you eat in peace as well for a few minutes and compliment the food to the camera.

“Alright, that’s the end of the video!” Putting your bowl down, you turned to Sukuna. “I had so much fun today, thanks for filming this with me.” Now was his chance to make everything better. Putting his bowl down and bolstering himself with confidence, Sukuna threw his arm over your shoulder and pulled you close to him.

“Thank you (Y/N), I really did enjoy today. I hope we can film again soon!” He squeezed your shoulder and smiled really big at not only you but the camera as well. He knew he was blushing, he knew that even the tip of his nose was a nice rosy shade, but he didn’t care. If people teased him for it, then so be it. But he wanted you to know how he truly felt.

“R-really? You want to?” You asked, looking up at Sukuna from your place smooshed against his body.

“Really.”

“Aww, well you heard it here first everyone! Sukuna wants to shoot another video with me!” Clapping your hands a few times, you waved at the camera. “Okay, bye everyone!”

“Bye.” Sukuna waved too, waiting a few seconds before letting you go and turning off the camera.

“Sukuna, did you really mean it? You want to film another video with me?” You were in utter disbelief. All this time, he’d just seemed very standoffish, if not a little awkward around you. You were happy to film this video with him, he had way more followers than you and it would help boost both your channels, and to hear him say that just made it even better.

“Yeah, I was serious.” Sukuna spoke around stuffing his mouth with the food he still had left. He was more hungry than he thought, the nerves doing a good job of twisting his stomach during the video. Now that it’s over, he can finally relax.

“That makes me really happy.” Eating the rest of your food as well, you leant against the counter. “This is gonna sound kind of mean, but I was really scared to film with you today. I thought you were going to be really mean.”

“Shit, you did?” He grimaced, letting out a sigh. “Sorry I had you worried.” He could already imagine the comments you would get from his fans.

“It’s okay! You’re actually way nicer in person, I was surprised!”

“That’s good.”

“And you’re really buff, you have muscles in places I didn’t even know were possible!” You laughed bashfully at that comment, and avoided looking at him when he stared at you in shock. “I couldn’t help but notice…”

Were you checking him out? Had you been checking him out this whole time and he didn’t even realize? He had seen you eyeing him up when you first met, but were you looking at him like that at other times as well? Now he’d really have to watch your video to see if it was true.

“Thanks, it’s my job.” Could he have said that any lamer? “My job outside of all this, I mean. I’m a trainer at this fancy gym downtown.”

“Oh, I’ve seen some of your videos at your gym! I know which one you’re talking about.”

“You do? You’ve seen my videos?” If he wasn’t surprised before, he was now.

“Yeah, you know I had to do a little research beforehand.” You nodded, beginning to clean up the dishes around you. “And I know you’ve already watched almost all of my videos, so it only seemed fair.”

Did you have to bring that up? Now Sukuna was embarrassed again.

“Y-yeah, I did.” Clearing his throat, Sukuna helped gather the dishes. He took up washing them, another task he could do to get his mind off you. As you took down the camera equipment, he nearly broke several dishes and utensils from scrubbing too hard.

“I’ll call you an Uber.” He said when all was said and done and you were back at the front of the building.

“You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

“No, I want to.” Quickly calling you a ride, Sukuna fiddled with his phone a little more. “Uh, could I- could I-” His voice kept leaving him, and he had to cough a few times. “Can I get your number? I really liked your camera shit and I want to improve mine.” Okay, it wasn’t a total lie. He did like your setup and wanted to make his just as good, but he really wanted your number to potentially talk to you more about things outside of Youtube.

“Sure! Go ahead and type it in.” You were quick to give him your phone, a cute pink phone case on the back of it. Typing it in, he can’t help but notice the little devil emoji you add by his name. He wants to ask, but your ride is already pulling up.

“Bye!” Setting all your camera gear inside the car, you turn and wave goodbye.

“See ya.” Just as you’re about to close the car door, Sukuna gets a burst of confidence. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

“Okay!” And off you go. Sukuna watches the car drive off until he can’t see it anymore. He takes his time getting to his own place, eagerly awaiting your message with every step. But even when you do message him, all he can do is send a thumbs up back and nothing else.

It’s about two and a half days after that that you text him again, letting him know you’re done editing and that you’re going to post the video soon. It wasn’t a very long video to begin with, so the editing was simple enough. Sukuna replied with what appeared to be a lackluster ‘can’t wait’, but on the inside he was shaking. He’d already screenshot all the pictures the two of you took together and added them to a folder.

“Here we go.” As soon as the video went live, Sukuna watched it. He was mortified as soon as it started at the blush so evident on his cheeks, and how it stayed throughout the whole thing. He groaned at the part where he helped you cut up the meat, he almost wishes you’d cut it out. Every little detail that made him embarrassed was there, every little nuance of his actions you’d managed to capture and make it cute.

(Y/N): How do you like it??

You texted him after twenty minutes, eager to hear his thoughts.

(Sukuna): it’s good, good editing and stuff

(Y/N): yay! I’m going to read comments in a few hours, you should too! I bet people will be really shocked!

(Sukuna): yeah no doubt

Oh, he was definitely going to read the comments. Whereas you were going to wait for a fair few to come in before commenting, Sukuna frequently refreshed the page and read the new ones as they came in. You were right, a lot of people were surprised, but he also saw a lot of his fans as well.

‘Ew Sukuna really cooked for that bitch? They can’t do it themselves?’

‘Yeah, why do they have to rely on him? Useless as fuck lol’

‘Sukuna only did this to get laid, (Y/N) looks like an easy fuck’

All of those comments, and many more, made his blood boil. Usually, he wouldn’t care at all about the comments, letting them fester in his comment section and spiral out of control. But for you, it was different.

‘Fuck off and die you pieces of shit. Leave (Y/N) alone or say it to my fucking face’

Sukuna sent that message, along with a variety of other threats, to all the people that insulted you. He didn’t care that this wasn’t his channel and that you would deal with it in whatever way you wanted to. He needed to defend you against the unwanted audience he’d brought you.

Luckily, after seeing Sukunas messages, all of his fans backed off. They knew how serious he was about his threats and there were many rumors that he actually did go and beat people up who said things he didn’t like. No one wanted to be on the receiving end of his torment.

With Sukunas name attached to the video and his heavy presence in the comment section, the video easily went viral. It was easily the most viewed video on your channel, getting on the trending pages of several different platforms.

(Sukuna): hey

It’s nearly a week after the first video that Sukuna messages you, and the hype is still going strong, and your follower count grows greatly from it.

(Y/N): hi! What’s up?

(Sukuna): do you want to film a video for my channel now? We can play a game, I have a few

(Y/N): sure that sounds fun!

Oh how wrong you were. The game Sukuna chose was a scary game, a shooter game with scary zombies and a lot of possible jumpscares. He doesn’t tell you either, so on the night of filming - he insisted on it being nighttime to get the full scary effect - you were caught off guard.

“I don’t know about this.” You whined once you saw the title. The two of you were video calling alongside playing the game together, and Sukuna’s eyes flicked to your figure on the screen.

“It’ll be okay, I’ll carry you, don’t worry.” He had started filming as soon as he’d set up the game, and you were filming yourself as well for him.

“You promise it won’t be too scary?”

“If it’s too scary just close your eyes and I’ll protect you.” Smiling softly at you, he started up the game. The beginning was fine, just a quick introduction to the game, but as soon as things started to get moving, you were scared.

“Sukuna a zombie is eating me!” You screamed, frantically pushing buttons in an attempt to get it off.

“It’s okay!” He quickly got rid of it, and made sure to stay close to your character as the story progressed.

“(Y/N) stay by me, there’s about to be a whole lot of them.”

“Close your eyes there’s about to be a jump scare here.”

“Don’t worry about getting that item, I’ll grab it for you!”

Sukuna nearly forgot he was being filmed, saying sweet things to you to help encourage you and make sure you weren’t overwhelmed. There were many parts where you screamed in fright and Sukuna was there to coo at you and tell you it was okay. He made sure that your character never died, making sure to keep you close until the end of the game.

“Sukuna, that was so hard!” Squishing your cheeks in your hands, you looked at him through your phone.

“It was fun though, wasn’t it? I had fun with you.” Completely abandoning the game, he stared down at his phone with a soft smile on his face.

“Yeah, when there weren’t so many zombies.” You stuck your tongue out at him, and it made him laugh. Leaning his head into his hand, Sukuna grinned when you yawned.

“Aw, are you tired? Better go to sleep soon.” His voice dropped to a lower volume, like you were right next to him.

“I will.” You yawned again and it made Sukuna yawn as well.

“Get off the phone and go to bed, you’re making me tired too.”

“Fine.” Whining out the word, you waved sleepily. “Goodnight Sukuna, I’ll send you the video files in the morning, okay?”

“Night.” Waving back, Sukuna waited until you hung up to turn his stuff off as well.

In the morning, Sukuna was ready to edit. What usually took him a week to edit out of laziness, he took only a day to edit this video with you together. Rewatching the footage, he nearly gagged at seeing how soft his face got when he looked at you, and most of those parts were left in because he couldn’t stand to watch them and fix them.

(Sukuna): videos up

The next day, he messaged you. Once again Sukuna patrolled the comments, swiftly deleting any that said even a hint of a bad thing about you. There was less this time, what with Sukuna adding a warning at the beginning of the video threatening anyone that talked down at you.

This video, like the first, went viral. But for a much different reason. Since Sukuna was emotionally unable to deal with how sappy he was and edit those parts out, everyone got to see how soft he was for you. If the comments weren’t mean, they were screaming about how you and Sukuna must be dating now, because why else would he look at you and talk to you like that?

And much to Sukuna’s dismay, there were also fancam edits of you two together. Any clippable moment of him being sweet on you in the videos you’d made together along with the photos you’d posted on Instagram were edited together and posted on Twitter. You both were tagged in every single one, making sure Sukuna saw all the videos of you and him together. He saved all of them too, delighting in the way you looked with him with all those pretty filters.

By the end of the day, people were trying to put a ship name together for the two of you and he’s seen you repost a few fancams with cute messages of thanks as well. Seeing you receptive to the fans screaming about the two of you made him happy, even if he was still too nervous to text you about anything outside of Youtube.

As more comments came in, people on Twitter were begging him to do a vlog with you. You had quite a few on your channel, going to cafes or filming what your day or week was like. Sukuna had watched them all and was jealous of every single person that appeared alongside you.

(Y/N): hey I’m doing a live on Instagram if you want to join me! I know people really like us together lol it’ll be great for views

(Sukuna): sure

Did you want him to join now? He’d just gotten out of the shower and thrown on a pair of sweats, he wasn’t exactly decent. But he didn’t want to waste time getting ready only for you to end the live.

“Hi Sukuna!” You smiled and waved when he appeared on the screen.

“Hey.” He waved back, not caring about the angle he was holding the camera in. He saw hearts begin to fill up the screen and comments started to fly by, almost all in caps about the fact he was shirtless talking to you.

“Guys, don’t be weird! Who cares that Sukuna is shirtless?” You tried to stop them, but it was clear you were flustered as well. You weren’t looking at him, peeking at him through the screen a few times.

“God you’re all thirsty as fuck.” Sukuna finally looked at himself on the screen. He was shirtless and in bed, hair slightly damp and tousled on his pillow. Reading a few comments, he shot up. “Of course I’m wearing pants, you nasty fuck!” Storming out of bed, he stood in front of the only mirror in his house that wasn’t in the bathroom and turned the camera around. “See, look!”

“Oh.” Gasping softly, you were glad Sukuna didn’t notice you screenshot the live. Clad in only gray sweatpants, Sukuna’s freshly cleaned skin gleamed in the light of his bedroom and every single muscle and edge of his body was on display.

“There, told you I wasn’t fucking naked.” Rolling his eyes, he flopped back down on the bed. None of the comments had gotten any better, all of them talking about how hot he was and how you were so lucky to know him in real life.

“L-let's talk about something else.” You stammered, not showing your face on camera for a few minutes. Sukuna laughed at the comments teasing you for being embarrassed, agreeing with some of them under his breath.

“So, what the fuck are you all doing here?” Sukuna posed the question at the chat, but at you as well.

“Well before you came everyone was talking about you...and you know how everyone has been begging for us to vlog?” You started off slowly, peeking an eye at his face.

“Yeah?”

“I wanted to call you to ask how you felt about that?” How he felt? Why did you want to know?

“You couldn’t have texted me that?” That wasn’t necessarily what he wanted to say, but it made you chuckle, so it was okay.

“No! I wanted to ask so everyone could know!”

“I don’t mind it.” If you wanted to vlog with him, he would do it in a heartbeat.

“So…” Worrying your lip, you looked off camera for a few seconds before looking directly at Sukuna. “Would you like to be in a vlog with me, at a cafe? It’s outside the city, kind of far, but we can rent a car or-”

“Yes.” Sukuna interrupted, nodding his head quickly. “I’ll come. We don’t have to rent a car, I’ll drive.”

“Really?” The comments were just as shocked as you were. Sukuna never filmed anywhere but his home and the gym, this would be a monumental occasion.

“Did you want me to say no?”

“No!” You screamed immediately, nearly dropping your phone. “I just- I wasn’t expecting you to say yes!”

“Well I did.” Sukuna bit his lip, running a hand through his hair and flexing his arm. “So I guess it’s a date, huh?” His normal asshole confidence was back now that you were appearing through a screen and not right next to him. A surprised sound came from the back of your throat, and you nearly dropped the phone again.

“Y-yeah! A date!” It felt good to have you flustered for once and not Sukuna. Laughing heartily at you, Sukuna smirked at the comments.

“Was that all you wanted to ask me or was there something more?”

“No, that was it!”

“Alright.” Licking his lip and letting his tongue hang out of his mouth a little, Sukuna watched you bite your lip as well. “Well I’m gonna go, I got stuff to do, but I’ll text you later (Y/N).” Dropping his voice as he said goodbye, Sukuna left the livestream.

“Holy fuck.” As soon as his phone was off, Sukuna let out a breath he’d been holding in. His heart was pounding hard despite how confident he was in his actions. Flirting was nothing new to him, but with you it felt different and like he’d never done it before in his life.

He watched the rest of your livestream while he finished getting ready for bed, laughing at the comments still teasing you about getting flustered with him. The notifications for Twitter were going off as well, and he knew for sure that there were new fancams for him to check out later.

(Y/N): Sukuna!! You’re so embarrassing!

Texting him after your stream, your cheeks were still burning at the memory.

(Sukuna): hey, you said it would be good for views and it was

(Y/N): I know…

(Y/N): did you really mean it, about coming with me?

(Sukuna): of course. If I didn’t want to I would have said no

(Y/N): that’s good lol!

There was a lull in conversation, and Sukuna nearly fell asleep waiting for you to either text him again or for him to figure out what to say next.

(Y/N): so, a date huh? Are you going to bring me flowers?

Now he was awake. He didn’t expect you to bring that up again, and his eyes flew open. Sukuna’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, mind going blank on what to say.

(Y/N): lol just kidding! I know you only said that for the stream! I’ll text you later about the details, I’m about to knock out

(Y/N): goodnight :)

Well shit. Now he definitely wanted it to be a date.

[arvandus]

So hopefully I got in on time! Btw, I’ve been absolutely loving your HC’s, the stutter one was friggin adorable! I love soft Dabi, there’s not much of him out there in stories 😢

Anyway! I was wondering if you could do HC’s with Dabi for someone who may be deaf or just hard of hearing? Ifff your comfortable, I would love to see what he would do for a male s/o (or platonic friend/league member, etc, whichever you choose!) If you don’t want to do this it’s completely fine and you can switch it to ambiguous/female (I don’t know if you have ever done men before haha!)

Hello! I’m so flattered for this ask because you’re trusting me to portray something that’s personal to you and outside of my own experience. I can absolutely do this with a Male Reader (my first one!).

I’m not sure what type or level of hearing loss you had in mind, so I did my best with this and went with an acquired hearing loss that’s moderate-to-severe. Also, I wrote Reader as someone who wears hearing aids. I hope that’s all right, since that’s typically the case for those with more severe hearing loss (otherwise communication is really difficult to do, since I don’t suspect Dabi would know sign language). Also, I got a couple of cute ideas that I really wanted to fit into this that follow more of a friends-to-lovers sort of vibe rather than established relationship. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!


Headcanons for Dabi x M!Reader who’s Deaf/Hard of Hearing (HOH)

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 1240

💙 When you first join the LOV, Dabi will be skeptical at first, as he is with all things. How could someone with a hearing loss really be of any value to the league? He can’t help but wonder what skills you’re bringing to the table to that convinced Shigaraki to allow you to join.

💙 Dabi doesn’t interact with you right away... he prefers to observe. Part of it is that he doesn’t care for attachments, even amongst his comrades. Another is that he doesn’t expect you to last very long in the League. If he does interact, it’ll be through snarky quips and insults. After all, he loves getting under other people’s skin... it makes him feel like has an advantage.

💙 So, it goes without saying that Dabi will be a hard nut to crack at first. He’ll definitely have some crappy preconceived notions about people with hearing loss that he’ll get to face as he’s forced to get to know you.

💙 For example, he learns super fast that your hearing has little to do with your intelligence. You’re fucking smart and more than capable of handling yourself, much to his surprise. You quickly become an important member of the team, and even Dabi can’t really argue your value. It only makes his interest in you grow, his skepticism giving way to curiosity.

💙 Another thing he learns about you... you value your independence and hate when others coddle or dote on you due to your hearing loss. The first time Toga had tried to treat you as something fragile (granted she was trying to be nice), you’d quickly put her in her place. Dabi couldn’t help but grin at that exchange...

💙 The great thing about Dabi sitting back and observing everyone else most of the time is that he gets to learn by proxy how to interact with you.

💙 Don’t mumble or talk too fast. Don’t look away when talking to you. Talk more clearly, and slower, but for God’s sake, don’t treat you like you’re dumb. You’re hard of hearing, not stupid.

💙 Even with all of that taken into consideration though, he’ll notice that while you seem to do fine in one-on-one exchanges in quiet environment, you’ll withdraw more in group gatherings. Is the chattering of multiple voices too much? Is the noise overwhelming? Even he can’t always tolerate the prattling of the social butterflies of the group, so he wouldn’t blame you if it got under your skin too.

💙 His interest will finally be piqued when he watches you retreat during a rather boisterously loud game night amongst the League. He’ll follow quietly behind you, watching as you pass your own room in favor of the stairwell leading up to the rooftop.

💙 You don’t notice he’s followed you until he sits next to you. Your eyes betray your surprised at his presence.

💙 “What are you doing here?” you demand.

💙 He’ll give you a grin and a cock of his head. “You didn’t seem like you were havin’ much fun back there. Got anything to do with these?” he’ll tap your hearing aid playfully.

💙 You huff at him. “If you want me to hear you better, you’ll need to sit on my other side. My hearing aid battery died.”

💙 “You don’t have a backup?” he asks as he adjusts his position.

💙 You shake your head.

💙 “Doesn’t sound too bad.” He’ll tease. “I wish I could turn off my ears, especially when Toga laughs.”

💙 You give him a glare at his insensitive comment. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

💙 He raises an eyebrow at you and think for a moment, before looking back out over the cityscape. “Why don’tcha tell me about it then.”

💙 You give him a skeptical look but he waits silently for you to continue. His smirk is gone as his sharp eyes glance back at you. He's serious.

💙 You’ll finally open up to him, explaining how hard it can be sometimes. How noisy environments can make your hearing aids nearly useless when the noise is too much, when everyone is talking at once. How frustrating it is to not be able to follow a conversation let alone participate, and how it can sometimes make people assume things about you. At best, they’ll assume you can hear fine with your hearing aids and therefore assume you’re being aloof or don’t want to interact. At worst, they’ll think your slow or stupid, and look at you with pity.

💙 Dabi will listen, but he won’t offer much up except sarcastic remarks about the others in an attempt to make you feel better. After all, sympathy isn’t his strong suit. But you’ll find yourself feeling better by the end, just grateful to be able to vent to someone.

💙 When you smile at him and tell him thanks for listening, it’ll take him by surprise. Not because of your reaction – he expected that, at least. What’ll surprise him is his reaction to it – a strange sense of satisfaction will wash over him, filling him with an unfamiliar warmth. He realizes - a moment too late, before he can bring down his barriers - that he likes seeing you smile, especially when it’s at him.

💙 You’ll feel slightly closer after that, finding more opportunities to hang out on the quiet rooftop and chat.

💙 He’ll surprise you on your next visit with a brand-new pack of hearing aid batteries. You’ll give him a suspicious look, asking where he got them and how he knew what kind to get you, but he’ll give you a wicked grin and brush off your question with an evasive comment.

💙 It won’t take long for you to start developing a crush on him, and against your better judgment, you find yourself staring at him a lot more and finding ways to be around him more. Hanging out at the bar, going on missions together, sitting next to him during the LOV discussions… you try to brush it off as ‘becoming friends,’ but deep down you know better.

💙 It doesn’t take long for Dabi to take notice and begin to suspect that maybe… just maybe… all of your secret glances and increased attention aren’t strictly platonic.

💙 What a wonderful turn of events. He wasn’t sure if you were interested in men, but now he’s 99% sure you are... or at the very least, interested in him.

💙 It leaves his skin feeling hotter than usual, his heart pounding in his chest with excitement. He wonders if you know... or even suspect... that he watches you too in mutual attraction.

💙 He’ll start testing the waters, just to make sure, of course. Hit you with a few flirty nicknames to see how you react. As soon as he sees you fluster and flounder in obvious embarrassment, he’ll know he’s got you, and it makes your exchanges only that much more entertaining.

💙 The more he learns about you, the more interested he becomes. He’ll start to do research on ways to support you with your hearing loss. It’ll be purely out of curiosity, of course... it’s not like he’s gonna go out of his way or anything. But he ends up finding himself down the rabbit hole of hearing aid supports, and learns about Bluetooth capabilities, FM systems, infrared systems... ways to send targeted noise – like speech for instance – straight to your hearing aids, bypassing any pesky background noise.

💙 It won’t take long for him to get an idea – two birds with one stone, so to speak...

💙 You’ll be on the rooftop together, when he says, “I gotta surprise for ya.”

💙 He pulls out a box that’s labelled ‘Dynamic FM System.’

💙 If you try to reach for it though, he’ll hold it out of your reach. “ah ah ah... we gotta find the right place to try it out.”

💙 He’ll lead you downstairs and you’ll think he’s heading to the common space where the others are, but instead he takes you outside of the hideout, leading you down the street.

💙 “Where are we going?”

💙 “You’ll see.”

💙 The two of you will end up outside of a bar. Not just any bar, though… the line of patrons is already a huge hint of what you’ll find inside.

💙 “Wait isn’t this….?” You’ll start.

💙 Dabi will only smirk at you though, before he grabs your hand and leads you in.

💙 Inside will be loud. So loud you have to turn down the volume on your hearing aids, and too loud for you to hear anything of value. But as you look around, your suspicions are confirmed - instead of the usual opposite sexes pairing up like you find at most bars, this one is different. Men are pairing up with men, women are pairing up with women. Your heart is beating like a drum in your chest, your pulse racing with excitement. Of all the places for Dabi to bring you…

💙 You keep close to Dabi, holding onto his arm. He loves that, loves that you’re looking to him for protection. And protect you he does, his eyes threatening violence to anyone who stares too long at you.

💙 He’ll sit you down at the bar with him in the center of the noise while drunken gay couples flirt over their drinks and a group of girls laugh in the corner. He’ll say something to the bartender, and a minute later, two fresh drinks are place before the two of you.

💙 He won’t try to talk to you yet as he opens the box and begins taking out all of the pieces. He’ll plug in the small, cylinder-like component into your hearing aid - the receiver. He’ll be completely up in your space when he does it too, grinning at you with his ocean blue eyes. In his hand he holds the transmitter that contains a button with a microphone on it.

💙 Once everything is hooked up properly, he’ll speak into the mic, his finger on the button.

💙 “Hey there.” He says. His voice comes through crystal clear.

💙 “Hey.” You smile.

💙 Once Dabi knows you can hear him, his devilish grin will widen and he’ll lean casually against the bar counter as he stares at you, his eyes drinking you in. “Have I ever told you how hot you are?”

💙 That’s when it finally clicks… Dabi is actually interested in you. And he’s taken you out on a date.

💙 BONUS: If the bar scene ends up being too much for you, he’ll be more than happy to spend the rest of your date on your favorite rooftop spot with some take-out. 10/10 will kiss you by the end of the date.

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Day 66: Bond

There was a certain bond that formed between two people when all of your friends were paired off and dating someone. When the two of you were the only single people so you got paired off to share food, and be partners in games, and all other manner of things.

Harry supposed that tonight would be just one more of those nights as he arrived at Ginny and Luna's. And he wasn't complaining (not anymore, at least) it had taken a couple of years but he and Draco had warmed up to each other. They had compatible styles for partner games, Draco always gave Harry any treats with nuts and Harry gave him any treats with mint, and Harry genuinely enjoyed his dry sense of humor.

If he was being honest, he'd started looking forward to all of the time that he got to spend with Draco on Friday nights.

But things felt different the moment he entered the house, even though he couldn't quite put his finger on why. He spotted Ginny first, standing against the counter, pouring a couple glasses of wine, "Hey," he called.

She looked up and bit her lip.

"What?" he asked with no small amount of dread. He knew that look; it was the look she'd given him right before she'd told him she might be gay and in love with Luna, a look that said she was afraid of breaking his heart.

Ginny opened her mouth but no words came out.

"Ginny, what?" he said, taking several steps toward her.

"I don't know how to say thi-"

"Oh, good," he heard Draco say from behind him, "You're here."

His mouth stretched into a grin even before he turned around "He-" he broke off when he saw that Draco was standing with his arm around some bloke who Harry had never met before. "Hey," he finished.

"This is Matt," Draco offered.

And frankly, Harry would rather die (again) than shake his hand but before he could have any say in the matter Matt had stepped forward into his space and was gripping his hand. Hard. "The Harry Potter," he drawled. "My, my."

(Read more below the cut)

Harry glanced over at Draco who looked vaguely uncomfortable.

"Draco has told me so much about you. I could hardly believe that he was telling the truth." He leaned toward Harry conspiratorially, "He's known for embellishing the truth, you know?"

Harry wrenched his hand from Matt's grip, "Actually, I've found Draco to be honest to a fault. Hardly anyone else will tell me when my outfit doesn't match or I've got something stuck in my teeth."

Matt's eyes flashed and Harry's proverbial hackles stood on end he didn't like that look, "I-" Matt started

"Hey," Draco said, taking Matt's hand and drawing his attention, "Let me introduce you to everyone else."

"Nice meeting you, Mark," Harry called.

Draco narrowed his eyes at him, "Matt," he corrected, before mouthing, 'behave' at Harry.

"My mistake," Harry said, maintaining eye contact with the other man until he turned away and followed Draco into the other room.

"Okay," Ginny said, drawing his attention away from them, "First. Men are disgusting; I can't believe I thought I was attracted to them for so long."

"What?" he asked, slumping over to the counter and sliding onto a stool across from where Ginny was still mixing up drinks. He was feeling a little nauseous, fire rushing under his skin.

"That," she said, gesturing to where Harry had been standing talking to Matt and Draco, "The little pissing match to decide who's dominant."

"What?" Harry asked, "that guy is just an asshole."

She rolled her eyes, "Second, you're still an idiot."

"Wow. I'm just going to go home," he said. "Between you and the dude who was trying to break my fingers, I don't think it's going to be a great night."

Ginny leaned across the counter and instinctively Harry leaned toward her, "How long are you going to continue denying you have feelings for Draco?"

His brow furrowed, "I don't. We're just mates," he added.

"I rest my case. You're still an idiot," she said as she leaned back and started mixing drinks again.

Harry slouched on his stool turning that thought over in his mind, "That actually would make sense," he admitted.

"Harry, I love you, you know I do," she said. "But honestly, I can't believe you're just figuring this out. The rest of us have known for ages. We were all shocked when he walked through the door with Matt; he told us he was bringing someone but we thought the two of you were just making a joke."

"Well now what am I supposed to do?" he asked. "Why couldn't anyone have said something sooner?"

"Because we thought it was obvious," she hissed.

"Let's just get through the night," he sighed. "Then we'll deal with the rest. We'll need to come up with a plan."

-----------

He spent the rest of the night calling Matt the wrong name (Miles, Maurice, Mike, Max, Moses, Mitch, Mason) to the point that Ron either caught on and decided to help or got confused enough that he started calling him the wrong name, too. Harry also couldn't help but rub it in Matt's face how much better he knew Draco; telling inside jokes, asking Draco specific questions about his work and his parents, and reminiscing about fond memories.

Draco seemed a bit exasperated by it but Harry couldn't help himself. Once he started, he just couldn't seem to stop.

Eventually as everyone was getting ready to leave and Luna was saying good bye to Matt, Draco cornered him, "Do not move a fucking muscle," he hissed, "I am not done with you."

"Dra-"

"I mean it, Potter. Stay right here," he said, jabbing him in the chest with his finger before he turned and made his way over to his date.

"Hey," Matt said, smiling at him much the way Harry imagined an alligator might smile at his prey.

"Hi," Draco replied softly. "I'll floo you tomorrow, yeah? There are a few things I need to take care of."

Matt frowned, "I thought we were going back to my place."

"No," Draco replied steadily. "I have a five date rule." He stepped back, "I'll floo you," he repeated.

And Matt looked pretty pissed about it, but he seemed to take the hint and disapparated on the spot without so much as a goodbye to anyone.

"You're all the literal worst," Draco fumed. "Except you, Luna," he added. "You're a goddess."

Luna gave a little curtsy.

"Seriously," Draco said, glaring at the room even though none of them looked especially repentant. "And you," he spat, spinning to glare at Harry, "You're the worst of all."

"Does that make me special?" Harry quipped, arms folded across his chest.

Draco groaned, "Bloody fucking Griffyndors. I hope you're all happy," he grabbed Harry's arm. "Come on we are going back to mine to have a chat."

"I thought you had a five date rule," Ginny called.

Draco flipped her the two finger salute before apparating them to his house.

Harry always liked being in Draco's house; it was small and cozy, and it always smelled vaguely like chamomile. Just being here made his soul feel lighter, calmer.

"Alright," Draco growled, "Spill. What the hell was that?"

"What?" Harry asked innocently.

"Potter," he warned.

Harry sighed, "He's an asshole."

"And you know that how? You didn't even give him a chance".

"Draco his handshake was like a vice!"

Draco stared at him, "You've got to be kidding me. Are you that much of a child? He hurt your hand so you thought you should bully him?"

"I didn't bully him!" Harry exclaimed.

"No?" Draco asked. "You didn't use his given name even once." Harry winced, maybe that was overkill. "You spent the entire night trying to make him feel stupid and inferior to you. Which, let's face it, everyone does anyway because you're Harry fucking Potter!" Draco exploded.

"That's not fair," Harry said, betrayal slicing hot through his gut. Draco knew that he hated being famous, hated the preconceived notions attached to his name.

"Yeah well, neither was what you did."

"Draco, I-"

"No," he said, holding out a hand, "That was such bullshit, Harry."

"But he's awful."

"You didn't even give him a cha-"

"I didn't have to!" he exploded. "The first words he said to me were to disrespect you. He's an asshole and I will chase a million of them away from you."

"That's not your job."

Harry threw his hands up in the air, "I'm your best friend! Whose job is it, if it's not mine?"

"You don't just get to decide things for me!" Draco cried.

"Fine," Harry spat. "You want to date that wanker, go ahead. But I have seen his type before. Don't come crying to me when he's beaten you to a bloody pulp for looking at someone the wrong way." He pushed past Draco and made his way to the door, walking out and slamming it behind him.

He started down the sidewalk, debating trying to figure out where Matt lived and have a chat or maybe go over to Ron and Hermione's to get some advice and regroup.

But the further he walked, the more the anger faded from his veins, and the guilt settled in.

There was no choice really, he turned around and headed back to Draco's house once more. When he arrived he knocked on the door even though he normally would have just let himself in.

"Go away!" Draco shouted.

He knocked again, "Draco, please."

"No! Go away. You're the worst."

"I know," he called back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Please."

After a few seconds, during which fear settled heaving in Harry's gut, the door opened and Harry slipped inside, Draco was curled up on the couch, hugging a pillow to his chest.

Seeing him looking so small and sad made Harry ache. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have said that."

"Which part?" Draco asked bitterly.

He sighed and came over to sit on the couch beside Draco, "I'm not sorry for chasing him away. But I will always be here for you, no matter what. You can always come to me."

Draco leaned over and put his head on Harry's shoulder, "I know," he whispered.

"Forgive me?"

He nodded and they sat together in silence for a few minutes, both trying to collect their thoughts. Eventually Harry said, "I really wish you wouldn't date him."

Draco sat up, "Harry look at me."

Harry turned on the couch to look at him and raised his eyebrows.

"I won't ever floo call him, we'll never go on another date, and I'll never see him again." Something eased in Harry's chest. "But it's not because of what you said or did. It's because I, too, have had shitty relationships. I have also lived through trauma and I have had to learn from it just like you."

Harry looked down at his hands.

"And if you have concerns about someone, there is a better way to tell me than what you did tonight."

He nodded, suitably chastised, "You're right."

"I appreciate your concern, though," he added and Harry looked up to see that Draco's mouth was quirked up, he really must be forgiven, apparently. "And I genuinely forgot how petty you can be."

He shook his head and reached out for Draco's hand, "Draco, I want you to be so, so happy," he said. Then he added, "I'm an idiot."

Draco raised an eyebrow.

"And everyone knows it, you included, so you can't really hold it against me," he said.

"I'm pretty sure I can."

He huffed, "Just hear me out. I'm an idiot and I didn't realize until tonight that I'm a little bit in love with you. And it's fine if you don't feel the same but you are my best friend and I had high standards for you even before I knew I had feelings for you. It hurt me to see you with someone who treated you so poorly."

"Sorry," Draco said, "I need you to repeat that."

"I said, I'm an idiot," Harry started.

"Not that part."

"It hurt me to see you with someone who treated y-"

"Not that part either," Draco said.

Harry swallowed, "It's fine if you don't fee-"

"Harry," he grumbled. "Say the other part."

He rubbed the back of his neck, "I'm in love with you," he whispered.

Draco blinked at him, a smile blooming at the corner of his mouth, "Say it again."

A grin tipped up the corners of his mouth as well, "I'm in love with you."

Draco launched himself into Harry's arms and covered Harry's lips with his own, "say it again," he mumbled into the kiss.

"I love you," Harry repeated, murmuring the words into Draco's mouth.

Draco pulled back slightly, "I love you, too."

"I hoped that was the case," Harry replied.

After he kissed him again, Draco said, "Alright, fine. Now you get a say in who I date."

Harry grinned, "Is that so?"

He nodded.

"Will you date me, Draco Malfoy?" he asked, brushing his nose along Draco's.

"Yes," he whispered. Then with a smirk he added, "But we'll have to get my best friend's approval and rumor has it that he has very high standards."

---------------

Day 65: Question | Day 67: Soulmate (Take 1)- Your traditional soulmate trope or Day 67: Soulmate (Take 2)- just using the word 'soulmate' as a prompt, not the trope.

[calpalirwin]

Phantom Pain

Summary: Trauma bonding turns into a full blown crush with Bucky

Word Count: 2.9k

And away, and away we go!

__

You heard the startled gasps behind you as you lowered your body before pulling yourself up on the pull up bar again. “Yes?” you questioned, repeating another rep.

“I-I-I-” a teenage boy's voice stuttered. “Mr. Stark!” he yelled in slight panic.

You sighed, letting go of the bar and landing on your feet. “Yes?” you repeated, turning to face the lanky teenager with his mop of brown hair, and his companion, a girl a few years older, stifling giggles into her hands, both of their cheeks flushed. “Oh,” you said in realization. “You must be Peter. Uh, Tony’s in the lab, I think.”

Peter nodded mutely, before quickly dashing out of the training room, leaving you face to face with the young woman. “Gay,” you said simply. “And I think Vision’s with Tony.”

Her blush deepened, as she too, hightailed it out of the room with a muttered “Tony has a brother?”

You chuckled quietly to yourself. Of course your brother wouldn’t have told his newest members about you. Something about it not being vital information, and liking the shock value of it.

“And this is the training room,” a voice you did recognize said as Steve came into your line of sight, a man matching his stature trailing behind him silently. “Oh, hey, Stark.”

“Capsicle,” you greeted with a salute.

“Stark?” the other man asked in confusion. “I thought-”

“Fortunately there’s two of us,” you corrected. “Or unfortunately, depending on your opinion of Starks in general. Y/N,” you introduced yourself, offering out your hand.

“Bucky,” the man said, shaking your hand.

“Nightmares, again?” Steve asked you, his eyes glancing about the room.

“Sometimes you frighten me with how observant you are, Rogers,” you said grimly.

“Nightmares?” Bucky questioned, intrigue painting the features of his perfectly sculpted face.

“An unfortunate lingering side effect of my time in the Army, yeah,” you explained. “Something I’m sure you can relate to,” you added with a pointed glance at Bucky’s left arm which was completely metal, your mind already curious to how it worked, and how to make it better. “Working out helps. Something about physical exertion canceling out mental exertion.”

“Well, I might have to join you some time. See if your theory holds up.”

You held out your arms, gesturing about the giant training room. “Feel free. Everything here is open 24/7 to accommodate the mad geniuses and PTSD freaks.”

“And which one are you?” Bucky asked. And you knew it was a stupid question given what little information you had already provided him with. But you could also recognize a flirting edge when you heard one.

“I feel like the answer’s obvious. But, in the event that it’s not, I’m both. Pleasure to meet you, Bucky. And welcome to Avengers headquarters.”

~~~

A couple nights later, you were in the lab tinkering about, when you saw Bucky walk by in gym shorts and a tank top, his hair pulled back in a small bun. “Can’t sleep, huh?” you called out.

His body tensed as he whirled around, relaxing when he saw it was you. “Yeah. Thought I’d try out your theory.”

“It’s a good theory,” you assured, before refocusing on what you’d been working on.

“You have a lot of faith in a theory I’ve yet to test for myself,” Bucky said, stepping into the lab with you.

“I don’t do faith. I do facts,” you replied bluntly.

“Mmm, then how do you know it’s a good theory?”

“A good theory isn't whether it’s proven to be correct or not. A good theory is about being able to be repeated and replicated. Tested multiple times over and over. My theory just also happens to be correct.”

“Wow, you are a Stark.”

“I’m not an idiot, is what you mean. But rest assured I don’t have the same level of arrogance my brother inherited from our father. Or at least, I like to believe I don’t. But, results don’t lie. The physical exertion that comes from working out is enough to distract the brain from the mental exertion that comes from unwanted memories. Is it perfect? No, because it’s not a cure. But it does well enough anyway. And you can take my word for it. Or Rhodey’s, or Sam’s, or Steve’s. And that’s just the military crew. Or, you can test it for yourself. As I said, it’s a good theory. Very testable.”

Bucky’s tongue clicked in his cheek. “Mmm, and if it’s such a good theory, why are you here in the lab instead of in the training room?”

“A distraction, is a distraction, is a distraction. And I have work to do.”

“And what is it that you’re working on?” he asked, stepping closer to peer over your shoulder.

“Prosthetic limbs for amputees. Ones that aren’t hunks of metal. No offense.”

“None taken. I didn’t exactly get a say in the matter.”

“Right… Sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize. Something more… realistic looking would be nice. But the metal’s worked so far. Enhances already enhanced abilities.”

A shudder went down your spine. “Right. Super soldier strength mixed in with whatever tech is loaded up in that thing. I’ve taken a lot of hits in my day that I’d hate to experience again, but I’d do it if it meant a guarantee of never being on the receiving end of being hit by that. Like… the damage you were able to inflict on Tony, even in his suit…” you let out a low whistle. “Damn… no thanks.”

“Sorry? I think?”

You laughed, waving a hand dismissively. “Please. It’s not that he didn’t deserve it. The amount of times I wish I could clock him myself… My only regret was having not been there to actually see it.”

“Why do I get the feeling you and Tony don’t actually get along?”

“Oh, we do. It’s just… typical sibling shit, I suppose. We had different ways of coping with our parents dying. He went the standard billionaire spoiled brat route. I went to the Army. He took over the company. I stayed in the Army. He realized the damage the company was actually doing and became Iron Man. I was part of that damage.”

“Shit…”

Again, you waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t get me wrong. He’s my older brother. I love him. He’s rectified a lot of his past by helping turn Stark Industries into the Avengers. He's, dare I say, gained a conscience. But he’s also far from perfect. Still too arrogant for his own good. But I like him a lot better these days than I used to. I mean, I’m here.”

“So… you work for him? Doing what exactly?”

“Yes, and no. I live and work here, yes. But I don’t necessarily work for my brother. I help him and Bruce out a lot. Perks of not being an Avenger myself means I’m here to keep working when they’re gone. But, for the most part I keep to myself doing my own project.”

“Right, the prosthetic limbs. Personal reasons?”

“Yeah, you could say that. Seen my fair share of wounded vets. And seen my fair share of their struggle with shitty prosthetics. And even if they are complete shit, they’re also expensive. But I’m in a position where I can make non-shitty ones and, pun not intended, not have them cost people an arm and a leg. So, that’s what I do. Each prototype gets me closer and closer to making them as realistic as possible. Restoring range of motion you won’t get with cheap plastic wrapped around steel. It’s like… a complete limb transplant. Or that’s the ultimate goal anyway. Make prosthetics so real it’s like you never lost a limb in the first place.”

“That’s… noble of you.”

You shrugged. “Let’s just say I have a soft spot for broken things.”

Bucky smiled at that.

~~~

For the next handful of months, it wasn’t uncommon for Bucky to find you awake in the lab, or for you to find him awake in the training room.

Some nights, the two of you would work out your frustrations of the memories that haunted you both, and you’d tease him about how it wasn’t fair you always drenched through your shirt while he barely broke a sweat, smiling at the way he’d laugh.

Other nights, the two of you would swap war stories while he watched you work in the lab, and when you gathered up the courage to ask to run tests on how the tech in his arm worked to further your own research, he willingly obliged.

“So… were you just an enlisted soldier, or an officer?” he asked one night while you tinkered away.

“An officer. Made First Lieutenant.”

“That’s just below Steve. Which…”

“Is still lower than Sergeant, yes,” you laughed. “Technically anyway. But as an officer, I would still outrank you.”

“What happened?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… no offense, but First Lieutenant isn’t exactly brag worthy. I imagine you meant to go further. What happened? Was it the damage you mentioned with Tony?”

You nodded. “Yeah. The same accident that started his whole Iron Man gimmick was the same accident that ended my career.”

Bucky nodded, and you knew he wanted to ask more, but didn’t want to pry or overstep. And you were grateful for that. It was one thing to own up that your PTSD stemmed from an incident that ended your military career. It was also one thing to own up to how your experience in the military drove you towards creating prosthetic limbs. But to admit that there was a deep personal connection between the two? That wasn’t something you liked to fess up to. “I’m sorry,” Bucky finally said, feeling the need to say something about your half confession. To acknowledge it without asking more.

You smiled wryly at him. “It’s f-” Your face twisted, and your fingers white-knuckled the table as pain flashed through your leg.

Bucky’s eyes went wide. “You okay?” he asked, moving around the table towards you, his hands hovering nearby in case you fell.

“Knife!” you gasped out, gritting your teeth and humming loudly to keep from screaming out in the pain you knew wasn’t real. “Get me a knife!”

Bucky stood there, frozen, staring at you in horror.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” you barked at him. “I know you have a knife on you! Give it to me! That’s an order, Sergeant!”

That snapped Bucky into action. “Yeah, yeah,” he said, rummaging in his pockets. “Here!”

The sharp steel glinted in the lights as you took it from him and promptly shoved it deep into your right shin.

“What the fuck?!” Bucky yelped, jumping back. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” he repeated when no blood came pouring out of the wound as you yanked the knife back out.

“Aaaahhhh,” you sighed in relief, the pain ebbing away. You relaxed the tension in your body, breathing slowly. “Fuck… hate when that happens.”

“What… the… actual… fuck?” Bucky asked for a third time in a low whisper.

“Relax, it’s fake,” you said, flashing the knife. “See? No blood.”

“I- I-” he stammered.

“It’s called phantom limb pain. Happens in amputees all the time.” You took a seat, pushing up your pant leg to your knee, detaching the prosthetic and tossing it uselessly onto the work table. “Piece of shit,” you muttered, before pulling a tape-recorder out of your pocket. “Prototype 27. Failure, as of,” you spared a glance down at the date on your watch, speaking that into the tape recorder as well. “What?” you asked Bucky who was staring at you with his mouth hanging open.

“That explains… so much. But… why didn’t you just tell me?”

You shrugged. “It’s not something I tell people. Lost my leg in an explosion caused by weapons my family made? Yeah, not exactly a conversation starter.”

“I get that, but… c’mon. It’s me.” He gestured at his left arm.

“Yes, you who- and please don’t take offense to this- doesn’t remember the trauma of losing his arm, and has never experienced the pain that is phantom limb pain.”

“I don’t remember the trauma thanks to years of more trauma that is being brain-washed, and having my mind controlled,” he replied in a clipped tone.

“Yes, the entire world is aware of your trauma, Barnes. Must be nice to have people be aware of what you’ve gone through.”

“People would be aware of what you’ve gone through too, if you’d tell us instead of hiding in jeans and sweatpants!”

“Why would I tell people?! For sympathy?! Or to hear them tell me that I deserved it?! Because news flash, both of those outcomes fucking suck!”

His face crumpled. “Why would anyone think you deserved this?”

You scoffed at his naivety. “It’s poetic justice, Bucky. My own family took my leg. They took Tony’s heart, too, but hey! Look what he made as a result! Isn’t it fuckin’ marvelous?! Tony Stark loses his heart, but gains a soul. Y/N Stark. Loses his leg, and nobody cares.” The words were bitter on your tongue.

“You don’t strike me as the pity party type.”

“I’m not. That’s why I don’t tell people. And yes, maybe there’s a selfish part of me that does what I do strictly for me. Maybe I never would have thought to do all this if I wasn’t an amputee myself. But I’m here, and I’m doing it. And I’m not going to use my story to gain attention and credit that I don’t even want in the first place. Tony thrives in the spotlight. Me? Never been my thing.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I think your project’s pretty great. And I don’t see your personal attachment to it as a hindrance. If anything, I bet it pushes you further. To keep trying, even when what you have is already worlds better than what’s available already. But I also get wanting to keep parts of you to yourself. The sympathy vote isn’t the best feeling.”

“Thank you,” you mumbled. “And I’m sorry for what I said about how it must be nice to have people aware of your trauma. Well… I’m sorry for how I said it. There’s quite a laundry list of things that will turn me into an asshole, and phantom limb pain ranks pretty high on that list. But I didn’t mean it as an attack, and if it came across that way, I do apologize.”

“Don’t worry about it. To an extent you’re right. The whole world knowing what happened to me… it dulls the shock value of a lot of things. Justifies a lot of my actions. So, for the most part, it’s incredibly beneficial. But sometimes I wish I could just… I dunno. Be Bucky without people making their assumptions about what that means.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, I try to make it a habit of drawing my own conclusions about people rather than listening to the assumptions others have made about them. So, at least with me, you can be Bucky, and that can be however you want it to look.”

“Thanks. I’d uh… I’d like that.” He smiled softly at you, and you smiled back, watching as a blush crept over his face. “Um… Are you going to need help back to your room? Cuz I can help, if you need me to.” The blush grew darker as he shifted his eyes about the room.

“Uh…” you stammered, a blush coming to your own face. Normally when you tossed aside a rejected prosthetic, you either stayed in the lab until you made a new one, reattached the useless one and begrudgingly dealt with it until you felt up to making a new one, or, in super rare cases when you were sure you were alone, wheeled yourself about the headquarters in a chair. But, here was Bucky, offering to help hobble you off to your room. And the thought of him helping support your weight, or God forbid carry you was enough to make your heart sped up. “Even without the weight of a leg, I’m still not exactly light, or small,” you told him. You weren’t as tall as Bucky, that was true, and you certainly didn’t have super soldier serum running through your veins. But you were still very much the standard rugged American soldier type with broad shoulders and well-defined muscles of your own.

Bucky just scoffed at the notion before picking you up in his arms.

“Jesus, fuck!” you exclaimed, throwing an arm around his neck to help support your weight as he headed for the door of the lab. “I swear if you drop me…”

Bucky chuckled, his chest rumbling into your side. “Relax. I’m not gonna drop you. Now, tell me where I’m going.”

You rattled off the quickest route to your room, both hating the vulnerability of being carried in his arms, and loving the security of it.

“See?” he beamed proudly, as he set you on your bed. “Told ya I wouldn’t drop you.”

“Thanks…”

“Anytime.”

“Bucky, wait,” you called out when he turned to leave. “Um… Would you mind maybe staying?”

“Here? With you? In your room?”

You rolled your eyes. “Yeah, yeah, the 1940s gentleman thing is real charming.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s um… You know I’m gay, right?”

“Well… That makes the, uh… oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but that makes having a crush on you a lot easier. Or a lot worse, depending on how things go.”

He blinked at you in confusion, not sure if he was hearing you correctly.

“I like you, Bucky. So are you gonna stay?”

He grinned, happily walking back over to you. “I like you too. And yeah, I’ll stay.”

__

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