#anyway. unrequired love? anyone?

[acerathia]

"Don't you remember?"

this question is futile, of course you do. you remember his grin, all laughter and tease. you remember the silence between you, the humming of your soul more than enough. you remember the trust you bestowed upon him, like vows, hoping to receive part of his burden, a connection of your hearts.

but you also remember the distance, the impossibility. your pushing and his evasion. and do your linked veins, blood shed and shared, even mean something against that inevitable magnetic field? you push and you bump and you knock, it wasn't enough, it won't ever be enough.

because no matter how your love stretches, bends, folds to infinity, to the moon and back, what power does it possess against the space, against matter, against infinity itself.

deep in your soul, in that fluttering light sitting at the edge of your back, you were aware, you knew you never would have been enough. his trust doesn't fit on top of your heart, the crown of thorns not belonging to you, despite your trust tickling him like a feather, accompanying him at the back of his neck.

you knew he didn't truly trust you, didn't truly love you, to him you were simply someone, anyone, everyone, nothing more than a prick o his thumb, impossible, easy to get rid of.

so yes, you remember. you remember your feelings pushing, pushing something you could never reach.

[uselessgay10101]

Just A Simple Question

Summary | Riley Brooks admits her true feelings to Drake over some Drinks

Warnings | discussions of feelings, unrequited love, gay for those who care??

W/C | 1145

Pairing | Hana Lee x Riley Brooks, Drake Walkex x Riley Brooks (Unrequited), Liam Rys x Riley Brooks (mentioned, unrequired)

A/N | This is my first writing so be nice?? A decent human being. This is my interpretation of how the events happen bc i have to imagine a whole ass diffrent book , ok? Nothing more than a headcanon of a story I like, OK?

AO3 Link | idk man I gotta wait apparently lmafo

Disclaimer | * none of the characters are mine … obviously. The characters were all created by Pixelberry Studios in their book “The Royal Romance” on the app called “Choices: Stories You Play” … idk go see it there ig *

Johnnie Walker Blue Label. Rittenhouse Rye. Woodford Reserve Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey. Bowmore 15. Alll of the “Real drinks” by Drake Walker’s definition. 4 bottles into the castle's personal collection they sat on an open field.

Riley, with that stupid overconfidence of hers, challenged drink master Drake Walker to a friendly drinking competition. Of course, she got ahead of herself like she always does and definitely drank more than she could handle.

Riley Brooks was now knocked out cold, leaning against Drake's shoulder as he tiredly sipped his drink. At least that's what he thought. He jumped slightly as he heard her voice, slurred by her drunken and sleepy state.

“Do you like someone?” Her voice almost whispered on his shoulder.

“I—” Of course he did. How could he not? Riley, whom he wanted to hate more than anything, somehow managed to claw her way into his heart. The way she defended him from anyone who dared say he didn't belong. The way her smile always seemed to light up his heart. The way her eyes looked when she got passionate about something. The way—

“I do.” Her whispered response to her own question interrupted his thoughts. “... They are amazing, y’know? They are talented, kind, so beautiful, caring. How could I not like them? How ethereal they look when the sun hits them just right. How the mere thought of them makes me smile.” Her words were as clear as the bright moon in front of them. As if she weren't drunk and what she was saying was the most true and clear thing to her.

Drake hummed in that manly way men do. On the outside, he seemed completely unbothered as his friend laid out her feelings for him to hear. And yet, with each word of adoration that came out of her mouth, the more he despised himself for hating his friend's true feelings. Why couldn't it have been him instead of—

“She reminds me of Princess Draupadi.”

She? It clicked immediately. Hana. How could it not? Of course… of course. How could he have been so blind? Here he had a full romantic relationship unfold before his very eyes and he didn't see. Every accidental touch that always seemed to happen too often. Every glance they shared every time they thought no one was looking. Every greeting that never lacked bright eyes, a toothy grin nor a hug that looked like they could die happy if it were their last day on earth.

With every revelation he found, he felt both heartbroken that these words weren't for him and foolish for thinking Riley could never love him back. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to hate either of them. Truth be told, he saw Hana as his little sister, and Riley was… Riley is everything. He—

He was interrupted again by a watery, weak laugh as Riley wiped her eyes. “Forget I said anything. It's stupid anyways. I mean— I AM here for Liam, right? So it doesn't matter—”

“No.” He immediately pushed away his feelings to realign his focus on protecting Riley’s and Hana’s. That’s what “real” men do, right? Protect the women in his life he adores?

“No. No, they do matter.” Drake took Riley’s hand into his, giving it a supportive squeeze. “Truth be told, Brooks? Liam wants you to be happy. Whether that's with him or someone else. He isn't the type to hold grudges. Especially not with you...”

Riley looked at him with an expression of pure confusion. “You… you're not mad?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad?”

Riley looked down in shame. “Because I'm lying. Both to myself and to your best friend. I'm lying to everyone. I'm just dragging everyone down with me..” She hugged her knees close as tears fell.

Drake let out a long sigh. “... I'm no one to judge, Brooks. Are you human?” She was… confused but nodded.

"Then chances are the reasons you fell for her were out of your control. You didn't fall because you could, but because you did.”

Riley looked up at him in fascination. “...I”

Drake looked down at her with eyes brimming with emotion. With the eyes of a man who was willing to forget his own desires just to see the woman he loves happy.

“Why did you wait so long to say something?”

Riley’s eyes widened before she looked down in shame again. “I thought… I could go through with this. At first, I wanted to win Liam. I really did. Then I met Hana. And she just… changed everything.” She laughed joylessly as she leaned back on her hands, looking at the endless sky.

“Meeting Hana was like… seeing the true beauty of the galaxy after only seeing the stars and moon. I thought it was simple fascination at first, but I quickly realized she was as, if not more, beautiful inside as she was outside. I tried to stop myself. I promise I did but I—... I think I just fell for her harder.”

At those words, she covered her red face as she fell back on the cool ground, kicking her feet in the air while she screamed. Drake only looked down at her with a reminiscent smile.

He remembered how he felt when he admitted to himself that he was madly in love with the New York girl who was beautiful as she was quick-witted. It wasn't all too different from his current sight… minus the kicking feet, of course.

“So… what are you going to do? The Coronation Ball is next week.”

Riley let her arms fall on the grass as she looked up at the sky. Her eyes scanned the beautiful star-filled sky as if a Celestial God would appear and offer her a clear answer for her problems. However unfortunate for her, this was real life, so, after several seconds, she responded.

“I... I don't know. Maybe… maybe I can tell Maxwell? Tell him that … I may be falling for someone and … maybe he'll understand.”

“Tomorrow we'll be riding a lot… maybe try to mention it then?”

Riley nodded almost absentmindedly before letting out a loud groaned cry of both frustration and anger as she roughly wiped her still wet eyes. “When did this get so fucking complicated?! I just came here for the possibility of earning me a hot prince! I didn’t ask for all of this shit!”

Drake let out a loud, chest-filled laugh at the unexpected prophecy of the New Yorker. “I get you, Brooks.”

After staying quiet for a moment, he clapped his hand on Riley’s knee comfortingly. “It's alright, Brooks. It will all work out in the end… the story isn't over and all that, right?”

Riley laughed but nodded as Drake soon laid back on the cool ground, just as Riley was doing.

That's how they spent the night—stargazing and naming random constellations in the night sky.

[yanderefairyangel]

9 - Why would you forgive someone who don’t even want to be forgiven anyway ?

Sort of a theory or interpretation but whatever, i think it’s far from being far fetched to say that so here I go, but I think Zephia never forgave herself for destroying her home village

She said then “I would control them in time, but not before my mother, father and many others, died”. 

She regrets this and wished she could go back in time, and I am sure that the actual reason why she tried to make this time travel crystal was with the hope to use it one day to go back to that time, maybe even to stop herself. She said that of all Mage dragon, only her was capable of creating this artefact and if you want my thoughts on this, I am sure that it must have taken quite the time for her to manage to make it, even if at the end she ended up giving it to Veyle and Alear. 

But because of those regrets, Zephia, despite dreaming of being loved by someone, actually believes no one is able to love her. That she doesn’t deserves love nor forgiveness. 

The key word here is “abandon” which is 1) Zephia’s worst fear and at the same time what she kept experiencing. She lost her family at a young age and founf herself alone until she met Lord Sombron which she became obssesed with..precisely because she knows he wil never return her feelings, that the child she hoped from him is something she will never have but she rather embrace those delusion than actually try to love someone because this means having the risk of losing this someone love or experiencing the pain of sadness and parting. 

That’s why she refuse to get attached to any of Sombron’s children, so that when the day they get killed, because she knows they would eventually all die, would come, she wouldn’t be sad nor feel alone again. This is also one of the reason why she is so cold to Veyle and claim to hate her even though Veyle could have become the daughter she wished for especially seeing their common points (excuse me, I have to wash my mouth again) of both yearning for the love of a family, Veyle a parent and sibling, Zephia, of children but instead she decide to hate Veyle to protect herself because, when she saw Veyle’s nature, she knew that she might end up doing stuff that would make her hateful to her eyes so to feel less hurt by all that, she choosed to not love anyone so that it wouldn’t hurt her if she were to be left alone again and hate again because you are less likely to feel sad and hurt if this someone isn’t someone you loved or who loved you, as a mean of protection, she decides to hate and not care about them to be pained.

In short this : 

Translation : Zephia is a coward scared of what happened if someone where to actually care for her and vice versa because she doesn’t want to feel the pain of having someone dear to her leaving her, so she decided to ensure she would have no one to lose and clung into an imaginary unrequired love to have some purpose in her live. 

Moreover, she doesn’t even believe anyone can genuinely love her because her reaction at Griss’s confession is literaly this

When Griss tell her how much he cares about her, she doesn’t believe him. Because during all those years, ever since her parents whom she can’t even remember no one ever lover her. She is persuaded no one can love her.

In reality, she knows that Mauvier and Marni aren’t really here for her but she belives that no one can genuinely love her. That if Griss and the others are by her side, it’s simply because they are all alone, like her and she is right. It’s the reason why she stayed with Sombron : she had nowhere else to go, the reason why she gave her life a meaning seeking the love of an imaginary child rather then embracing reality, she had no meaning, no purporse so she had to do something to keep on living. That’s what makes her both tragic and messed up : she genuinely believes that she won’t ever have the love of a family because of what she’s done in the past, her rampage, and she must defintely have noticed that Griss, Marni and Mauvier were just like her : souls with no family, all alone, without a place nor a purpose in life. She knows that it makes them dependent of her just as she ended up becoming to her dream of having a child with Sombron. In truth she doesn’t even care if they hate her or not, because she knows that they have to stay with her, that she can’t leave her which is enough for her. Not be alone, even though she has never been more alone like this. And she ended up noticing it.

The real reason she helped Alear and Veyle is this

Even if she doesnt love Sombron, she could’nt accept the fact that until the end she was there for him and he never noticed her, so she wanted to let him aknowledge her existence by letting him know that she is dead, that he lost her, the only person there for him, to grant all his wishes, that he truly is all alone now, just as she was. She wanted to be seen, just like she was blind to the Hounds because of her being conviced that no one would really love her who she is since she is essentially a monster who killed her own family. As contractiory as it is, she wants to be loved but can’t love anyone because she is scared and also thinks she doesn’t deserves nor love nor forgiveness. It’s also why only when it’s too late that she helps Alear and Veyle cause had she done it earlier, she would have been forgiven and she doesn’t want that.

Loving and forgiving her means that she should accept to forgive herself for that mistake she committed so long ago, which is something that can’t happen for Zephia. No matter how much she craves for a loving family, in truth, she belives she doesn’t deserves it so she’d rather become dependant to the only person that gave her life a meaning by institalting this dream, this unreachable goal in her mind then actually try to look and notice at those around her whom with she could have a real family. That’s why when Griss told her his feelings, she couldn’t believe him until she realized he was sincere

She realized that only now. What she knew was gonna happen eventually ended up happening : she would be alone again. Mauvier left, she killed Marni and Veyle left her too. Sombron once again escaped her grasp allong with her frail dream, her one life goal. Only Griss stayed, only Griss was here for her and her only, and not just because he did not had another place to stay. Unlike Mauvier who stayed for Veyle and Marni who stayed for her praising, Griss was the only person in this world who really loved her.

The most tragic aspect is that Zephia saw herself as the one who destroyed her family even though she was a young dragon with no agency when it occurred and she ended up becoming what she though she was since she, on her own accord, with her own agency, destroyed her family, the Hounds, when she could have done things differently. You might think I exagerate when there is few elements that seems to indicate that Zephia feels guilty but think about how differen Zelestia was

Not only because she had a much better family model with Lumeralt, but also because Zelestia did not beared the guilt of having killed herself her family, it was Xenobron who did that... and also her entire tribe but hum, let’s not lose it.

Zephia because she is a dragon, knows that she has to part with people because of her lifetime, but for the Hounds, since she was the only one for them, she though they simply couln’t leave her yet she was unable to be more than this facade of a caring mother, maybe she did deeply care for them but it won’t be until the end that she realized her mistakes.

4 Hounds deep dive part 4 : Zephia

In the Hound family, I demand : the mother/older sister. Let’s break down evul momy lizard. 

So of course SPOILERS AHEAD and no, whatever postive things I migt say about this piece of lizard meat, I don’t like her nor do I justify any of the things she has done but if I have to be critical, I’ll have to put my biais aside (I'll do the same thing as for Marni, reblog and add)

So Zephia, or if you prefer as I like to call her, Aversa 2.0 is basically a mix between Aversa and Nyx : she was some sort of genius talented baby mage dragon since according to both her and Mauvier, she had stronger dragonic impluse, far stronger then average Mage dragon so I guess dragonic impulse are linked to genetics in the Engage world ? Cause she says it’s “a gift” so it’s innate, not as if she spend hours practicing, ... in others words like Aversa and Nyx but because she is too OP, she ended up blowing up her home town, killing her own family in the process

That’s what we know of her backstory. A woman so OP she could have been the Fell Dragon if Sombron wasn’t there. This events tooks place when she was young but at some point, she ended up working for Sombron. Since Sombron is over 3 000 and arrived 1 000 years ago in Elyos after his family got killed, coupled with the fact that Zephia is over 2 500, this means that Zephia’s rampage tooks place at least 1 000 years after Sombron’s arrival in Elyos since he and Lumera since they are of the same age where child. As a loyal servant of Sombron, when he was sealed away, she immediately worked in order to bring him back, watched over sleeping Veyle in her temple and eventually took over Griss, Marnie and Mauvier and forms the Hounds, a “group whose goal is to serve Sombron and protect Veyle”. Once Veyle awoke, seeing her gentle personality, Zephia began her manipulation to “fix” her and if she is very manipulative with Veyle, she is actually incredibly loyal to the Fell Princess (that’s how i call Evil Veyle) since this version of Veyle is the perfect version. She is so devoted to Sombron that she puts every of his needs and desire before everything to the point of becoming blind and... not very bright cause she is incredibly dumb sometimes... eh, but basically she is the perfect pawn for Sombron because she is driven by a desire, a specific desire ; that Sombron would be the father of her own children. So now, here we go. 

The main thing with Zephia much like the other villains in this game, she is driven by the desire of love and family

1 - Zephia la Mélusine

Melusine is a unique class that debuted in Engage, and is reserved to the only 2 mage dragon (or rather Full Mage dragon) that can join our party or is an ennemy in Engage, Zelestia and Zephia. Described as “an alluring magic knight who rides an evil dragon”, it’s name is based on a creature from European folklore, la fée Mélusine, a Nixie.

There is a lot of version of her story, but most famous as her being cursed by her mother to turn into a a dragon half woman each Saturday and that her only salvation would be to find a man who would accept to marry her, to have her children and to respect the oath of never seeing her bathing each Saturday. At some point, Melusine meets a man called Raymondin, a young lord who accidentally killed his uncle and helps him in return, he accepts to marry her and promise her to never spy on her as she bath in secret every Saturday. They have children most of them having monstruous feature according to foklore, but they are of the number of ten. However, Raymondin’s brother, the count of Forez encourages his brother to spy on her by saying she might be up to something bad * cough, cough cheating * and of course, being the jealous husband type Raymondin eventually ends up spying on her and discover her dragon tail. The version varies from there but all ends the same : Mélusine, desesperate as her husband’s action condamned her to endless damnation, she screams out of despair, and fly out of the window (yes cause she is a dragon/fairy so she had wings with her tails... don’t ask me ok, it’s a mythological figure) but she returns at night to caress her kids, and legends as it that at night when she can’t enter the place to take care or see her children, she spent the entire night crying out of despair and that when someone of the family dies or that her family’s good pass onto someone else, she screams and laments. Her names in breton means “La Mielleuse” = the Sweet/The Smooth

Now bear with me : Mélusine was a dragon-woman yearning for family and whose salvation relied on founding this family but she was robbed of it because of an invidual’s toxic behaviour... reminds you of someone ? It’s pretty obvious that not only her design, her class and story macthes with this story, that’s preety much why the dev decided to name her class that. Zephia’s story aligns pretty much with that of Mélusine, she too seeks salvation in family only for it to ends tragically but their fate is rather different however.

2 - Zephia and the meaning of family

When exactly did she started to be obssessed by it ? Well...

After this conversation... very weird conversation if you ask me. I mean, Zephia associate the words “children” with “subordinate. To which Sombron answer by “If you require some of those [loyal subordinnates], then just do what I do. Make children”. Sombron’s answer make sense with how he is. Cause look at the definition Sombron gives of family 

(NB to me, I gotta make a post about the meaning of family cause the more this goes, the more complex it gets)

Regardless by Sombron’s definition, children are synonynoms of subordinates but the interesting bits about Zephia is that what seems to have drawn her attention was this part

She comments that it’s a “revelation” and this comments obviously shows that Sombron put something knew in her mind. 

What Zephia however doesn’t seems to realize is that Sombron doesn’t care about his children love and that his children most definetely did  not loved him, but rather feared him with the sole exception of Veyle but Veyle was too young at the time and overall remained ignorant of a lot of things but Veyle is another topic. 

Upon this thoughts, Zephia tries to remember her family. She obviously doesn’t because of several reason : other then the fact that she was young when her rampage occured, it’s well established that because of their lifespan being longer than human’s, dragons often forgets a lot of things the more time passes, but even more than an average human brain. 

Basically, Zephia’s definition of family aligns with the one given by Sombron but the difference is that Sombron makes kids because “power” whereas Zephia wants kids because she want Luv... and that’s where it gets interesting

3 - Zephia break down : a woman who yearned for love

This is the parts where you see that Zephia isn’t a comically evil lady but a character with actual motivations. Just like the character her class is named after, Zephia seeked for the love of someone, that someone be her child. 

That’s how Mauvier describe Zephia to Zelestia, but note that he mentions how above all her negative traits, she is lonely. In the full convo, he said the last part of the sentence with a sad look and a sad tone which are notable speaking of Mauvier, a character that emotes very little and most importantly who resent Zephia for killing Marnie. What I like about this support is that Mauvier begins by saying it’s his point of view and perspectivism is going to be important about the Hounds in general, but even though what he saw and knew of Zephia was her harsh and destructive side, he was also able to sense her loneliness. 

That’s not that surprising because Mauvier is Veyle’s knight, and who was the most lonely person Mauvier ever met ? Veyle. And who also wanted a family and love ? Veyle. Basically, Zephia shares a lot of common things with Veyle (excuse me, i have to wash my mouth for saying this I hope it’s the last time) : that is to say 

1 ) they both are terrible lonely

2) they both yearns for the love of family

3) they both yearned for Sombron’s attention + got contaminated by him (to some extent) 

Zephia was after all resposible for the death of her own family even if she could not control it  and who knows how many years she spent all alone until she met Sombron and entered his service ? 

She even express the wish to see her parents once again but that’s not all

It’s revealed that the reason why Zephia never allows herself to get attached to any of Sombron’s children is to protect herself from sadness* since she knows he will dispose of them sooner or later. A kind of “ your goldfish is gonna die within 2 days, why bother getting attached ?” mentality. Or if you prefer this

This also explain her entire relationship towards Veyle.

Regardless, Zephia’s relationship to love is actually quite complicated because when she dies, we have this whole conversation with Griss

And when say that, guess what ? I’ll believe her. Zephia really though of the Hounds as her family, no matter how toxic she was towards them... because of her complicated story with love. Even Veyle mentions that Zephia showed kindess towards her (though we all know why eh) but she was shown to be capable of acting both as a loving mother and an abuser because Zephia remained lonely during such a long time that she forgot how it feels to be love and a family, but most importantly because the only model of a family she saw during all these years was : Sombron’s. A toxic environnement where violence was required to have what you wanted, those kids had to kill in order to survive themselves and she also saw those children being killed in awful ways. Sombron literaly tasked her with getting care of the corpse... yeah. Basically, Zephia’s  problem is that she yearns for the love of her children but she doesn’t know HOW to love them nor even express it, mainly because the only familial environement she remember is a... no actually toxic is an understatement when it comes to describing the experience that is being Sombron’s children. Zephia’s love manifest itself through her attitude of being harsh and destructive despite her motherly attitude and before someone acts like “toxicisty isn’t love” yes, I know that. 

HOWEVER, toxicity can be a result of love, or rather love can create a toxic behaviour. All feelings are like medicine, medicine is somthing that can cure you or poison you depending on how you use it. Anger can be the fuel of toxic behavior but we sometimes need it, same thing for sadness. Love may be what we all yearn for, but there is no denying that it can also be what freed the worst in all of us. I think the movie that shows that best is Luis Bunel’s masterpiece, El. 

But I digress, what is important is that Zephia is incapable of being a loving mother because the only “love” she witnessed was the one given by Sombron to his children.. so yeah any family she could have based on this influence was bound to be ducked up. She wanted to and to be loved, but because of Sombron’s influence, she was incapable of understanding the real meaning of family even though she still had one thing over Sombron and that was to understand that a family can bring you the love you desire which Sombron never even consider since he seems to consider his children to be like the humans that believes in him. She was still able to praise her “children” when needed but still gave them violent punishement when she judge it necessary. if Zephia is Melusine, then Sombron is at the same time Raymondin and the one who cursed her. By uttering the cursed words that made her want to have a child, he actually doomed Zephia to crave for something she is incapable of having and that would dommed her. My personal commentary on Mélusine’s story was precisely that she needed love to be saved, but not just her husband, but her loving family and that it’s precisely the inner toxicity of her husbanf, his jealousy that doomed her to remain a monster who would still love her children but unable to remain by their side. Sombron’s influence is like a curse (and don’t worry Rafal, one day I’ll talk about what he did to you) and he also cursed Zephia, corrupted her with his toxic view on family. In that regard, that makes the ressemblances between Veyle and Zephia ever more barrant; she too after all, was a tragic woman who yearned for the love of someone, her child.

She also bears strinking similarities with Sombron : Sombron seeks 0 Emblem, his Elys, his ideal. Zephia has eyes only for him.

Zephia confirms she had no romantic feelings for Sombron and that she wasn’t exaclty looking for his affection unlike what Mauvier claimed even though you could say that maybe Zephia did not wanted to admit it, but seeing how things are presented I believe Zephia more. What is important is that she pushed everyone away for Sombron, but not really for him, but for what she wanted him to be : the father of her child. Just like how Sombron become obsessed by 0 Emblem to the point of not seeing anyone, Zephia became blinded by her desire to have a child. When Veyle fights against her, she says “ You don’t see me, do you, Zephia ? You see me and you think of Papa.” Sombron’s influence on someone just as lonely as he was is obvious : he was a lonely dragon seeking for the love of only one person to the point of making everyone suffer and not caring, and Zephia repeated the same schema on the Hounds, with the difference that she did care about them to some extent.

Proof ? Well, she still leaves Mauvier and Marnie chances to get back on her side, when she fight Mauvier, Mauvier still talks about how he truly believed they were family but in his support with Zelestia he will take this back, though for Zephia they were indeed family because to her, that’s how family is like. Even as they are fighting in chapter 23, Zephia still offers Mauvier to return to her side. Zephia’s attitude definetely was shaped by Sombron’s influence since she became almost like him and guess what ?

Mauvier may be talking about magic powers here, but I am not (especially seeing the allegory there can be within Sombron’s magical power), what I am saying is that Zephia could have been an equal to Sombron’s toxicity in family if it weren’t for 2 different things : one, she is aware that family mean love. 2, she ends up realizing herself how blind she was and love did deliver her (and death too, incidentally).

[lukealvezhimboextraordinaire]

“I can admit she made mistakes im not willing to tolerate anyone saying she didn't do it out of love”

This is why the sister relationship doesn’t work for me. Kate, even her actions inadvertently hurt Edwina, was trying to protect her from getting hurt the entire time. The same isn’t true for Edwina. She didn’t mind when Anthony hurt Kate with his behavior at the races. Edwina was ok with Kate being hurt and pushed aside.

Edwina obviously had every reason to be hurt and angry after the wedding when she saw the Kanthony of it all, but instead of going after Anthony for creating the mess, she blames Kate for having feels (that Kate did not act on), she blames Kate for putting her in the position she is in (not sure if she meant raising her to marry into the aristocracy or specifically marrying Anthony), she blamed Kate for her not knowing who she is, she blamed Kate for how hurt she was in ep7 and acted like Kate was purposely hurting her…it goes on and on and even when Kate recovers and they have their convo, Edwina is still getting her questions asked and then telling Kate what’s what and even though she encourages Kate to go after Anthony in the end, there is no acknowledgment on Edwina’s part that she was being unfair to Kate, that everything Kate had done for the past 8 years was sacrifice herself for Edwina’s sake and that she had broken her own heart rather than hurt Edwina (when she asked Anthony to marry Edwina anyway) and that made the relationship feel horribly unbalanced.

Edwina never seems as motivated by love for Kate because she kept getting Kate to do things to get her what she wanted (Anthony) even though she knew Kate disapproved. So she was always defying Kate a little and never prioritizing her unlike Kate who always prioritized Edwina. If Edwina had thanked Kate or realized that Kate has given up her future to raise Edwina it could have been ok but they didn’t do that which is why it felt imbalanced and biased against Kate imo

Yes, exactly! Kate made mistakes but she always did what she thought was best for her sister. She was trying to protect her. She time after time tried to gently let Edwina know that Anthony was not what he was pretending to be and definitely not what she wanted. Because 1) she didn't want to hurt Edwina by explicitly telling her that he didn't return her feelings and 2) with how Edwina found ways to excuse his behavior and convince herself that he was into her, i doubt she would have believed Kate. She really needed that reality check, it was just unfortunate that it had to happen in front of so many people and at such a big occasion.

But Edwina had to know that the half sister comment was going to sting. Especially because Kate is her sister and therefore she should know her and realize that Kate feels like she needs to be useful to others in order to be loved. She did it on purpose because she wanted to hurt her. I'm not saying she is a bad person, she was angry and she was hurt and at that moment she definitely wanted to hurt the person she blamed for her unrequired love. But... why didn't she apologize??? Why were we robbed of seeing these two sisters talk over what had happened?

They could be leaving that for season two but I don't know. As you said, the love is very one sided. Edwina is pretty selfish, which isn't uncommon at that age but still, and I'm not expert in sibling relationships but I would have liked a scene in which Edwina fiercely protects Kate or feels enraged for something that happens to her.

[mirtiell]

Hi can I request some Akutagawa x gn reader angst where the reader leaves pm?

Dont Leave

Summary; you are tired. The port mafia was too much for you,so you quit. Leaving behind a broken heart.

Characters (s); Akutagawa, chuuya(only mentioned), dazai(only mentioned),

Warnings: blood,trauma, unrequired love for aku, reader is selfish kinda(?)

Note;. I didn't know if you wanted aku and reader to be already in a relationship so i did unrequired love. One of my fav agnst trope ;) im sorry for the late post! [see end note for more!]

The wind was strong in january. Chills ran down your spine, you should've dressed up nicely.

But given your situation, it was a blessing you even are out here. In the cold of Yokohama, oddly enough, you didn't mind it. the cold was just here to keep you awake, to remind you of why you are here, infront of the armed detective agency. the enemy of the port mafia.

Truthfully, you were surprised you got here safely. you wondered if sir chuuya did anything? it woudn't surprise you, you were rather close, close enough to consider yourself his friend.

step step

Footsteps? you thought, you made sure no one followed you and it was too early for anyone to be out here. "found you." this voice. you turned around, he was here, why was he here?

"Sir Akutagawa, why are you here," you still adressed him politly, no matter what he is still your superior, well was. "Taking a stroll," you knew he was lying, but didn't ask him why.

"Why are you here?" you didn't answer, you were sure he knew. "you know why," you couldn't handle the port mafia anymore, the blood on your hand was too much. you could never erase those faces from our minnd, how they screamed in fear, how they begged you to have mercy. you were useless in there anyways, leaving won't hurt them. you won't try to ruin them either, you had no plans to do so.

You just wanted peace, a moment to rest and heal. leaving was the only options, and your former superior promised to help you.

But you still didn't want to see him, you weren't a fool as they made you to be, you were very much aware of his feeling for you. sadly for him, you had no intention of returning them.

If he was here to persuade you into coming back, he is wasting his time. You won't come back to that nightmare, you too much of a coward to do so.

"i can't stop you, can i?" his voice held hope but you were fast to crush it, "no." he stayed silent, opening his mouth a few times before finally speaking. "i'm sure you're aware," he stared at his feets he couldn't look you in the eyes, "about your feelings for me? yes." your voice was cold. you didn't want to drag this conversation. "sigh...take care." he turned around, leaving.

You stared at him, watching him leave. you didn't try and stop him. you wanted to do with the port mafia, his feeling didn't matter for you. all that matters, is you.

You were ready to be selfish, and forget whatever memory or feeling you had. good or not, you let go of your past self.

You are free now.

end note: angst go brr. akutagawa is one of my favs too :)

© luuvlei. !!DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE!!

[crazybutgood]

Drarry Tag Game

(Answer any questions you’d like and ignore the rest!)

Thank you for tag @goblinmatriarch ! Sorry this is late 😅 Life is... not good. Anyway, here's mine:

When did you get into Drarry?

Oh I don't remember the exact year but I think it was like 2015-2016 ish maybe? it's especially unclear cos I joined HP fandom after I discovered Dramione, so that was my first ship, until I happened across a Drarry fic. So I'm not sure when exactly that happened

Which drarry fic hooked you?

Again, I don't remember which was my first one but the first one I absolutely loved and got me even more in love with Drarry and still remains my go-to fave today is All Our Secrets Laid Bare.

Top 3 favourite Drarry fics

Just three?! Noo omg ok ok I'm just going to say the last 3 non-anon ones that I read for the first time + 1 bonus I just re-read that I love and can't help including:

Young Love by @teacup-tai

Criminal by @the-sinking-ship

unrequired love by thedoomofvalyria

A Sense of Scale by @fantalf with art by @dragontamerdame

Why can't you quit them?

I just love them ok 😭 I like reading them being happy and in love with each other, in all sorts of universes in different stories. That's literally it 😅 There's a lot of great meta discussion and hcs and other sorts of descriptions why they're a great ship too and I agree with all that, but also I just love their love

Would you rather be friends with Harry or Draco?

I feel like I would rather be their therapist, as @phd-mama has pointed out too, and I totally agree

Who breaks your heart more often?

Ohh this is a tough one, because it really depends on the story, but I feel like it's Draco

Ideal career for Harry? Draco?

For Harry probably Quidditch player or coach at Hogwarts. Or just any job that involves teaching or caring for kids. For Draco hm perhaps a professor or a writer. Or a healer

Harry and Draco are being sent to a desert island for a week with plenty of food and water. Each is allowed to bring three additional items (no wands). What do they bring?

Omg @goblinmatriarch I love your answer 😂 I do agree Draco would bring some practical book for first aid and survival, his broomstick, and I'd say sunscreen

I also agree Harry would bring a snitch and broomstick, and I'd also say he'd bring any portable music player (probably 2 for battery purposes? Sorry if this doesn't make sense lol)

Favourite non-drarry HP character?

Ahhh ok Hermione has forever been my favourite. I also love Luna

If you had to pick one, enemies to lovers or (enemies to) friends to lovers?

Friends to lovers

Would you rather read a fic that made you laugh or one that made you cry?

I MEAN,, I like reading fics that are heartfelt and with soft feels and those make me cry, so those that make me happy-cry I guess! I do like fics that make me laugh too

Three songs that scream drarry to you (feel free to include drarry-est lyrics)

Ahh ok I've made whole-ass playlists for them, but the songs are not in English, sorry 😅

Favourite authors outside of fic?

Neil Gaiman, P. G. Wodehouse, Sylvia Plath, Oscar Wilde, Ruskin Bond, Jodi Picoult, Mitch Albom, Markus Zusak, Lisa Gardner, Simon Kernick, David Baldacci, Derek Landy, Danielle Lim, Sophie Kinsella

Tagging those I've mentioned above + @curlyy-hair-dont-care @pennygalleon @andithiel @orange-peony @corvuscrowned @whataboutmyfries @textrovert-01 if you'd like, and anyone else who'd like to do this!

[tomatosamla]

Starlight [One-Shot]

Request: nope

Romantic or Frienship: kinda like both, idk. More like you love him but he doesn’t love you.

Warnings: is it called unrequired love? I don’t really know. Plus violence (someone gets shot).

Plot: how you met, discovered the secret identity, fell in love, and cut contact with Jonathan Samuel Kent, plus background Damijon. Plus swear words.

Word count: 1024 ;D

A/N: I’m angsty as you can tell by my latest fics. This is the first time in my life I have done a x reader thing, like ever, so like... have patience with me. Plus, I was more experimenting than actually writing a fic, so if this is shit it’s because of that.

A/N2: I put a few of my own Prompts from my Promt list I have for myself, I will put them like this in the fic. Anyways Enyoy!

You had been a friend of Jon’s for quite some time by now, you had also been in love with him for… about the same amount of time. Yeah… this was pathetic, he was a superhero for crying out loud and you were a nobody, another student at Metropolis University. Well… that wasn’t exactly true, you had met when you were 12 years old so like… you were not a nobody.

You had befriended him and Damian by accident I suppose, as was said before you were still in 7th grade when you guys met. You met at the local library (because books), both Damian and Jon were investigating for a case, you had seen them before, but it was the first time any of you talked, and it was Damian that started the not so nice conversation, he was looking for the exact same book you were holding- and because you are a nice and socially awkward preteen who didn’t want any trouble with the Wayne’s- you gave it to him, Jonathan then came to apologize for his friend’s behavior, you talked for a little bit before they had to go, and the rest is history. 

How did you discover that he was a superhero? Well, it was mostly because you were in a hostage situation (great weekend to visit Gotham with your business people parents, i’ma right?) and the Supersons came to help, the Bats apparently were busy with stopping the supervillain so… yeah; a little girl, about 5 years old (by this time you were already 16 years old), had a gun pointed at her head while Robin and Superboy were trying to negotiate with the goons, why they didn’t do anything sooner you would never know. The girl was crying trying to not make a sound, then the negotiation got heated and the goon was about to really shoot the girl, and because “stupid is my middle name” you launched yourself at the goon and you were successful in separating them, unlucky for you the guy was quiker than anyone could have anticipated and he shot you in the leg, which was fine, you didn’t loose that much blood, it hurt like hell but whatever and you got to play hero for one day, but of course everyone began panicking and more bullets were shot, luckily just around 2 other people got shot but nothing fatal, and while Robin was talking to the authorities, Superboy came rushing only to your side. You couldn’t understand why he was panicking until you really looked into his eyes, you would know those eyes anywhere (to be fair with you, you hadn’t had a good look of his eyes before, and you basically didn’t care before this about finding the identities of your local heroes). So… yeah… that happened.

2 years later, both of them knew you knew their secret identities, a year after that you were distancing yourself from Jonathan, because you were in love with him and he was in a relationship with Damian, which by the way you were so happy for them, really, fucking finally… hehe… but anyways, you still had heart, and you still had feelings for him so it hurt… bad. So back at my original idea, you were distancing from Jon, and he noticed that, how you would not talk to him unless it was completely necessary, how you would ignore him or evade him when everyone would go out together, so he made you talk to him.

“Y/N, may I talk to you for a second?”

“Ummm… I have some things to do, can we talk later?” You said as you stepped back.

“No, I need to talk to you right now.”

-Sigh- “Fine… let’s talk. What do you want to talk about?”

“Why have you been ignoring me?”

Cue nervous wreck “We’re starting with the big questions huh? Ummm… Iiiii dooon’t-”

“Please, did I do something wrong?”

“No! Of course not! You did nothing wrong is just that…”

“That…?”

-Sigh- “I… fell in love with you” 

Jon was shook, what? how? when? huh?

“I have been for a really long time and… look… I tried not to really, I tried to get over them but the feelings never left, I just didn’t let them out because everything would get messed up, I know you love Damian, and I’m happy for you… I really really am, when you told me you two were together I was like Yes! Finally!, you know? but…”

“Y/N… I…”

“You don’t have to say anything, I understand that you don’t love me back, and it hurts, badly, so… so badly. And I can’t be just your friend anymore… and if it means we’ll be nothing at all after this then… then that’s how it has to be, I’m sorry I fell in love with you, but I did… and now… we have to say goodbye.”

“But we can still be friends… right?”

“I’m sorry… if you ever need me, I’ll be there, to investigate for a case, to cry because Damian was being too much like a Damian… to anything, I’ll be there, but not as close as before, I hope you’re happy… Superboy”

A little smile formed in his face, he was going to miss talking to her everyday, but if she thought this was necessary, then he wouldn’t object.

“I hope you’re happy too, starlight”

And with that the separate paths took place, Jonathan and you talked sometimes, mostly about cases the guys had, and you (being the daughter of who you were daughter of) knew much more first hand information about those topics than them, you basically became kinda like an Oracle to them (the called you Starlight, firstly because that is what Jon called you since you were kids [don’t ask], and secondly because you had information of anything and everything at all times, but mostly at night).

In the end you found your own prince/princess charming (who was a superhero or not, idk) and you were maid of honor in their wedding, you couldn’t be happier, it was a nice life after all.

[lostininterest]

21 astrology questions

Thanks @invord​ for tagging me:) I don’t really see anyone finding anything interesting written on there, but I did some introversion while filling it out so that’s nice. Please feel free to do it for yourself. It’s great to see where you’re at in life. I’m going through some sh*t so if I sound like an asshole at some point that why. Have a nice day!!!

1. Your sun sign: how would you describe yourself in three words? Aries: Passionate, open and honest 2. Your moon sign: you have the night to yourself, what are you doing? Aquarius: Read until exhaustion so I don't have to think or do something I should have done 3 weeks ago. 3. Your rising sign: what do people say about you? Virgo: I have a hard time with this question. Are we talking about people that know me or people that don't? If they don't know me, they don't say much because I make myself as small and as normal as possible. If they do know me, they think I'm crazy in a chill way. 4. Your midheaven: what is your dream job? Dudes, my midheaven is in Gemini, this question is my literal nightmare. I have no dream job, I want to be able to do everything at some point. Except office/repetitive/9 to 5 jobs, keep those jobs away from me. I guess learning is my passion and that's cliché but whatever. 5. Your mercury sign: what makes you anxious? Aries: Idk lets ask my anxiety disorders? People? Making mistakes? Being failure? Having no one to turn to? All that but push it to an irrational level of fear. 6. Your Venus sign: what’s your favorite color? Aries: Green. Green everywhere. And sunset colors. 7. Your mars signs: what is your biggest pet peeve? Sagittarius: People walking slow? People having too much expectations and not going with the flow? Disrespectful opinions?

*I mainly use equal house system and all my houses are almost equally split in half between two signs*

8. Sign in your 4th house: what does your dream home look like? Sagittarius: Far from civilization. Full of little thrifted treasure. Old and a little damaged. Small house with a lot of land. Basically give me a farm<3 9. Sign in your 5th house: what are your hobbies? Capricorn/Aquarius: I do a little of everything. My favorite hobby ever is probably gardening. I do a lot of art but periodically because I'm a little perfectionist when it comes to putting my ideas in the physical world. Thrifting is one of my all time favorite thing to do. Making lists. Putting myself together. 10. Sign in your 6th house: do you have any routines? (Something you do everyday) Aquarius: I love rituals, but not a fixed routine. Like I drink something every morning, but I always drink something slightly different. Tea one day, coffee with sugar, black coffee, cold coffee, latte, there is no limit to my imagination. I also read a book every single day. Apart from that everything is different. 11. Sign in your 7th: what sign is your significant other? If you’re not dating anyone use your most recent ex’s sign Let's skip this one. 12. Sign in your 9th: if you could travel anywhere right now where would you go and why? Taurus: I would go back to Thailand 100%. Or Vancouver. Or the coast of Belgium where all the dunes are. Basically I want to go back somewhere I've already been. I want to bring someone with me to show them the magic I felt when I went to these places for the first time.   13. Sign in your 11th house: what’s a cause you care deeply about? Cancer: Making our education system better. Especially since schools have such a big influence on all of us. We could teach so more if we opened ourselves up to the possibility of change. I hate how things are essentially the same as in the 1900s. 14. House moon is in: describe your happy place 6th: Natureeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Grass, trees, mountains, rivers, oceans, lake. Anything nature I'll take it. 15. House mercury is in: what’s your favorite book? 8th: I have this book I've always had. Chicken soup for the teenage soul? I loved it so much I started collecting them. Don't tell anyone but I've only read 1/4 of my collection. At least, if I need life changing literature, it's at arms length. 16. House Venus is in: what do you find attractive / are you looking for in a mate? 7th: Support, respect, communication and cuddles. Be my soulmate? I find passion extremely attractive. Also people that don't reciprocate my feelings are so attraction omg I love unrequired love. 17. House mars is in: what are your kinks / fetishes/ turn ons? 4th: Imma keep it chill I'm turned on by honesty, blatant flirting/teasing, subtle touch/eye contact and I guess marks are a kinks anyway. Also, pretty sure I'm demi sexual because the idea of having sex with a stranger creeps me out. (That might just be the anxiety though) 18. House Jupiter is in: where/how do you need to improve your life? 9th: There is way to much to improve right now but the main thing would be to figure out what the fudge I want to do with my life. (the next couple years of my life at least.) 19. House Saturn is in: something your dad or father figure taught you (could be an uncle, a brother, a family friend, a teacher, a coach, etc) 9th: Spirituality and passivity. Other then that I learn from his mistakes as a parent. Like how communication/compromises are very important in any relationship.  Don’t really like this question lol 20. House Neptune is in: what do you daydream about? 5th house (6th house in Whole sign): Having A FARm!!!!! I just want to live while sustaining to my survival. Maybe living in a more communitive way. I would like to make my couch and grow my food and always have something to do. New challenges everyday.  I would have thrived in the 1800s. 21. House pluto is in: where do you feel powerless? What’s scares you? 4th: being alone, having no one to turn to. The ideas that I'll never accomplish anything somewhat meaningful.

[holdittighter]

@sidekicksdreams asked ; 

Reggie wasn’t sure. But it was before this morning. And it sucks. He knows he like girls. And maybe he likes boys too. Or a less one. But it wasn’t clear then. Now he’s sure. He had really a crush on Luke. It was already pretty obvious even if he won’t admit it, he was almost sure he had one. But now he has a proof of that written on his wrist. And he starts panicking a bit because he’s also quite sure Luke will never have his, and he’s now going to leave with an unrequired soulmark. But the worst is that he will have to hide it as long as he can to his bandmates. He’s about to see them almost every day. Alex probably already has doubts. But Luke… Well, that sucks. He tries his best to hide it under wristbands and cover it with his red flannel. It won’t be too obvious, but he’s still a bit anxious. He’s supposed to meet Luke at the studio for rehearsal today. He wasn’t late yet, but he really has to go now.

He reaches the garage and opens the door to see Luke, already here. He tries to stay cool, but Luke knows him well now. He just hopes he’s casual enough. He waves at him with his bright smile and joy.

“Hi Luke! Ready for the day?”

Luke’s always ready. But for now, Reggie wasn’t sure he was. But seeing Luke always makes him smile and he’s always rather comfortable with him, and he ends up less stressed than before, but maybe a bit sad. At least he can enjoy the present and those precious moments he spends with Luke until he finds his own soulmate. He will know it one day anyway, but in fact, Reggie is really oblivious himself.

A soft smile appeared on his face as his fingertips caresses the name of the person he is in love with. He started remembering how he had felt when the name had appeared for the first time on his skin. He had been mortified when he had read the name fort the first time, not knowing how he should react or how the person who was his soulmate would either. He just knew such thing could have had a lot of repercussions on his life. 

Luke’s day started early - anyone’s would if they got sunrays directly on their eyes and face, but it never bothered him, - with a shower. After that, he had started making himself a breakfast before he went to the garage to meet with Reggie. As he does, his eyes landed on his wrist, exactly on the sweetly written name on his skin. His Soulmate.

It wasn’t the soulmate part he was afraid of. Really. It was the fact that it could have caused him the person he cares about the most. Which isn’t Alex because Alex’s his brother and it would have been weird. He had known from what he had seen that Soulmates didn’t automatically ended-up together all their life or happy together, as much as non-soulmates couples lives their live togehter and are as happy as they could - like his parents, but he rather don’t talk about them. He couldn’t exactly tell the person he loves that he loves them and they are Soulmates. How could he go to his friends saying his name is on his wrist? Reggie could start acting weirdly around him or worst – feel bad and oblige himself to love him back. That's something he would never allow in a million years. 

Luke isn't trying to hide that fact either; he wears sleeveless shirts most of the time. With wristbands but that's not the point. He wouldn't lie about that, bit he wouldn't go and talk about it with anyone who didn't ask either. Which is why Alex already know about it. It happens that his friend had known about it before himself. Which would have been funny if the two weren’t dating at that time, fortunately his relationship with Alex remained the same and evolved to more brotherhood than just friendship. He is sure at least two other people does too.

He got brought back from his thoughts as his father walked on the kitchen, ready to go to work. Luke ignored him a little; they had another fight few nights ago and it's still a little tense there. He only nodded as he takes his backpack, his guitar and the BCT sandwich he had managed to make before heading to his bike to go to the studio.

There, he managed to eat then got the time to scratch some lyrics before Reggie, the person he was thinking of, had entered the room. He smiled at him but then noticed something unusual about his friend's actions. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. Luke thought about it for a few seconds then decided that he will ask later or when he would feel like Reggie wouldn't run away if he does. He offers him his smile as he got up from the couch, putting his guitar carefully against it. 

“Hey mate, how are you? Well, I’m always ready for you, am I not?” 

Well, yeah. Luke isn't trying to show it, but he isn't trying very hard. That's what Alex had said, any ways. He had been calling Reggie Mate for about a year already, While he calls Alex. Alex, or bro sometimes. The thing is, Reggie is a little oblivious, but he isn't stupid, just he doesn't notice things that are in front of him and seem to camp on his believes. And Luke likes flirting with him a lot, because it makes him feel a little confident; generally Reggie makes him feel nervous when he can read him like an open book.

“Let’s start, then.”

[jeonggukingdom]

friends to lovers! jk please w some smut but also fluff tysm 💕😘

MATURE CONTENT AHEAD

this would be the soft fest 24/7, like, for real

he’d really go out of his way to make you smile whenever he’s around

he is surely not afraid of being judged for making silly faces 

in fact, he’s pretty much a living meme

but the sound of your laugh and the way you look at him when you smile? WORTH IT

he is shy as fuck around people he doesn’t know

he also doesn’t make friends that easily but he doesn’t really care when he has you

everyone around you can tell pretty easily that he’s mad into you

except you, of course, because why would Jeon Jeongguk be into you when he looks like he could have literally anyone on Earth at his feet?

but he is smitten and you should be able to see it in the way he looks at you

at how his eyes shine like tiny stars are hidden in them whenever they land on you

has probably whispered “cute” a million times to himself while looking at you

somehow can’t find the courage to confess his feelings for you

very much afraid of ruining a splendid friendship with unrequired feelings, to be honest

has watched you get your heart broken over and over again by other guys that had no idea how lucky they were

his heart has been ripped to shreds as well with all the times he has held your crying frame in his arms

he hates going clubbing with you but goes anyways, just to keep his eyes on you

he hates it because he hates watching you dance with other people that aren’t him while he doesn’t seem able to do the same, even if there are other girls asking

he never drinks around you, or at least not enough to lose control because:

one, he is afraid of what he’ll say in that case

two, he is also scared of not being lucid enough to keep track of where you are and with whom

might be a little over-protective sometimes which is why you have decided to call him “mom”

he frankly hates the nickname but has never told you because he does love the way you look at him when you call him like that

guess beggars can’t be choosers, eh?

but one night, you actually convince him to drink with you and somehow, his attention slips

so he ends up drinking a tad bit too much for his usual taste and that’s when things start going south

so by the end of the night, your usual roles seem to have been reversed and you are the one supporting him all the way home

and he’s a giggling mess, making stupid jokes and calling you pretty which may or may not make your heart stumble every single time he does

when you finally end up in his bedroom to drop him off and go home yourself, he seems to be very much against the idea

so much so he clings to you like a bear to a tree, begging you not to leave him

and you don’t, because Jeongguk is never like this and the needy way he speaks those words makes your heart feel very small and on the verge of breaking

so you do stay, for him

and you do let him hug you tight  to his chest until he’s fully asleep

and you keep thinking you should leave while he’s unconscious but you can’t bring yourself to do it because it feels so nice to be held like this by him

it feels like a dream, having Jeongguk all to yourself in a way that feels almost intimate

needless to say, yo do not sleep a single bit that night, too intent on staring at him and trying to calm the rampant beating of your heart

when he wakes up that morning, he’d be definitely mad at himself and so embarrassed even looking at you would feel like too much of a task

really, you need to tug on his chin to make his eyes land on you ever since he woke up and released you from his embrace as if you were scorching hot lava

which kinda hurt, to be honest

Jeongguk would never confess to you, like not even in a hundred years so it has to be you that makes the first move

and that morning, somehow, you do

and when you kiss him on the mouth, everything finally seems to move into place

it feels like finding the final piece to a puzzle you had been trying to finish for decades

and when he kisses you back and hugs you tight to his chest, you’ll know you have made the right decision

he’d finally whisper his feelings for you out loud, his eyes shining and his cheeks a nice shade of coral as he giggles to dissipate his own nervousness

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

until you kiss him again and he turns needy, desperate to finally feel you completely against himself

his tongue would be relentless in your mouth, eager to savor the taste you are embodied with as he dreamt about doing for so long

and in a few minutes, you’d be gasping his name out loud, pulling him closer and closer until you are pretty much grinding on him

there would be no going back from that point forward

all the pent-up frustration, all of the repressed feelings and the passion raging inside the both of you would finally explode in the heat of the moment

even with your lips swollen and your breaths heavy and quick, you’d still be kissing while undressing each other

your first time together would not be perfect or straight out of a novel, to be honest, but it would still feel bloody fantastic

especially because he’d be looking right inside your eyes the entire time

whispering all the beautiful things he wanted to say this past few years

you may or may not cry during your first time together, overwhelmed by the grandness of his feelings and your stupidity for not realizing it or confessing your own sooner

sex with Jeongguk that morning would be passionate but very sweet at the same time and he’d come with a sob before kissing your mouth to make sure it’s the reality and not just one of the dreams he has to wake up from again

and from that day onward, you’d be inseparable

like, even more than before

and there would be no hiding your relationship status from anyone

you’d simply be that obvious and obnoxious because fuck it, you have been waisting so much time in the past, you need to catch up on that

and honestly, having your best friend as your lover feels like winning the freaking lottery

[ghelikblack]

Chapter 15: a study in how done I am with this fandom.

The update contains actually a story, so if you’d rather not read about my general tiredness, you can go directly to the link. There is some (I hope) good hurt/comfort going on in there. 

I started this thing ages ago. I was very happy with it, knew the direction I wanted every character to take and enjoyed my mistreatment of Clarke in the position of person suffering from unrequired love, while trying to get everyone to settle into a new world.

The aliens are creatures I borrowed from some unfinished original work that had been laying around for ages on my desktop. And the New characters I found charismatic and fun to play with. I gave the story this title (Knocking on heaven’s door) for diverse reasons:

1) I really like the song

2) I got into a dare

3) I don’t think it’s a big deal. 

I tagged from the very begging the story with the two main relationships which are unrequired love and a loving relationship. I enjoy both (established and unrequired) types of relationships and thought that by tagging both, people who are like me may find it at a glance, and, at the same time, people who don’t, may skip it completely. I explained this repeatedly. 

This is a hurt/comfort fic I wrote mainly for Erin, who has been asking for one for ages. She wants Becho hurt/comfort. But I can do both (becho and some Clarke.) If you have read the story you may have noticed I engineered not one, but two possible love interests for her. I even made a plot for Octavia, whom I don’t like all that much.  Not to stroke my own ego, but the story ended up being about more than hurt/comfort. It became this mammoth of a thing and I really enjoyed playing with it. 

Flashforward to the present. I am by now really unimpressed with this story, find it nearly impossible to step into their mind-frames and see their paths clearly. This is due to a few things, most of them my own fault, but also to the general atmosphere of this fandom. I started dreading publishing, and writing became really a chore than something I do for fun when I get off work. 

Who knows, maybe I’ll change my mind further down the season, maybe I’ll take a break and start on some other project. But it has come to a point in which I am really unimpressed with the story as a whole and it may end up hitting the recycling bin. I may also just publish the next two episodes to give Erin some more of the good hurt/comfort she’s craving and then call it done. 

I haven’t decided yet. 

Anyway. For now, here’s the ending of the graa festival, Bellamy, and Clarke get into an argument and Bellamy finds Echo having a nightmare.

I hope you like it. 

If anyone feels the need to comment on my choice of tags, I’d thank you if you refrained.  This update is for the 10 people actually reading the fic, if you don’t, scroll by. I can’t take it anymore. 

[silversundown2]

Love kaleidoscope, but so depressed about the real Caryl. It would be such a dream if they ever did what we actually wanted, but there is now way with Ezekiel alive. We have zero chance.

I don’t think it’s hopeless. There’s always a way to fix things even when it’s turned to complete bullshit. Will it be as satisfying as it would have been if they got together before the show fucked them over? Not sure yet, that remains to be seen, but one thing I know for sure is that as long as Carol and Daryl are still alive then there’s hope for them to be together. 

The only roadblock is the showrunner. If she wants it to happen it will. There’s a million different ways to write Carol out of a marriage with EZ and into a relationship with Daryl. Hell, they could both be married in different alternate realities and there would still be ways to get them back together again, but the folks in charge have to want to go there.

There have been signs this season that tell me they’re at least leaving that option open. For example, the whole storyline of Daryl being isolated in the woods was unrequired, the only reason it was there was so Carol could draw him out again, cut his hair, and they could have some intimate moments together.  She could have gotten him to watch after the kid even if he was living at Hilltop and hadn’t turned into a hermit and the result would have been the same.

I’m not telling anyone that caryl is for sure going canon. All I’m saying is that the show hasn’t closed the door yet. The ring is a non factor because it doesn’t take much back bending to get it off her finger again, IF they want to. Now we just wait and see if they ever do. 

Personally, I’ve reached a level of ‘not giving a shit’ when it comes to this show lately that’s allowed me to just ship Caryl without being too bothered. Don’t get me wrong, I still have moments where I’m like “fuck this show”, but overall I find that it’s been long enough, and I’ve caught enough of their bullshit, that I just don’t care as much as I used to about all their stupid manufactured drama when it comes to Carol. Her story line is just so contrived that I can disregard it for the most part and with that comes a lot of freedom to enjoy shipping caryl. In fact, I think I ship them now more than I ever have and for a while there the show upset me so much that I was wishing I could just quit.

Anyway, I’m going off in another direction now, so I’ll wrap this up and say that I get where you’re coming from and why it’s frustrating, but if you ship Caryl I hope you’re able to keep doing that regardless of the show and what they do. And if you want to have hope that eventually it’ll be canon, there’s plenty of reasons to have that hope. 

(and thanks for letting me know you like my fic!)

[globerjk]

A MIRACULOUS STORY HAPPENING AROUND CHRISTMAS

A gift for @chelseaapproved in the 2k18 Secret Santa Exchange @mlsecretsanta. This is only the second chapter but this story will continue. Here´s the link to the first one.

Happy Holidays, I hope you enjoy

CHAPTER 2

Face flushing, utterly embarrassed and clinging to just 30 inches of fabric for dear life, Adrien Agreste let out a less than masculine shirk.

“La-la-ladybug!?”

His high pitched yell was the only sound disrupting the otherwise quiet night.  

She opened her mouth, closed it and then opened it again continuing the motion several times as she froze in shock but took the time to look him up and down before collecting herself.  Finally turning around and covering her reddening face in her hands, all she could do was join him in his screech with her eyes tightly shut.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…. Ohh my goodness Adrien, I’m so so so sorry… Ohh God, that did not just happen… I saw nothing, NOTHING! I swear!!!”

Why was this his life?

Given that this was his private suite, he was tempted to leave the bathroom totally nude.  It was almost midnight and the heater was providing the most enjoyable atmosphere to do so; at the very last second right after opening the door and without looking into the bedroom, he took a towel to put around his waist with the only purpose to get Plagg to shut up.

He wasn’t expecting anyone anyway, let alone his superhero partner to be showing up unannounced; but since the Kwami was getting in his nerves, loudly complaining about his new found liking for nudity he made the good –and very last second- call of covering himself up.

It wasn’t a kink or anything like that but just a silly thing that made him feel independent after so many years of living a controlled life in the Agreste’s household; similar to having sweets for dinner, over sleeping on the weekends or not always matching his socks.

And to think he felt exposed to his Lady when he dropped his transformation just hours ago, talk about averting catastrophic events, final destination style.  There was no Camembert big enough to show his gratitude to his annoying companion.

Maybe if he invested in a cheese factory, maybe.

After the initial shock, he grabbed the first pair of pajamas pants and weathered t-shirt available and put them on at light speed.  Placing himself in front of Ladybug, he touched her shoulder to let her know that it was ok to look at him.

They found themselves staring into each other’s eyes with matching red faces before he gestured her to sit with him on the couch.

“You know?” She finally broke the first uncomfortable silence since the beginning of their partnership.

“I don’t, but go ahead” he shrugged, still not meeting her gaze.

“Must you joke? At a time like this?” she smiled and finally began to relax, looking at him as her face tuned down to a pretty pink shade.

"Well, now that you´ve learned who I am, can you really blame me?” his smile contradicting the sadness in his voice.

“No, I suppose I can’t” she smiled fondly “actually, I makes a lot of sense” her tone was soft as she leaned over to place her head in his shoulder and her hand into his. “I came here to apologize, Adrien. It was petty of me to leave without even telling you how I felt with the turn of events and you deserve so much more than that” She took a deep breath and let it out before continuing “I signed up for Christmas fun with my partner not to get my circuits fried.”

“Sorry My Lady” he kept his gaze also blushing slightly.

“You have nothing to be sorry for” she squeezed his hand “maybe just for surprising me and stealing my thunder”

“What do you mean ´your thunder´?”

She scratched her head with her free hand, annoyed at how inaccurate she sounded “What I´m trying to say is that I was thinking, I AM thinking, about telling you who’s behind my mask, you just beat me to it, I guess" She shrugged.

“Really? Wow!” Adrien shifted making her move her head so they were facing each other.

“Not right now tough, soon. I’m wasn’t quite ready yet and I won´t let your reveal make me fell pressure. Besides…” she was cautious but he took her other hand, now holding both to encouraged her to continue.

“Now that I know who you are, I’m more convince that I need to wait”

“Why?!” He was louder than necessary, hurt and concern evident in the way he let go of her hands.

“Please don’t get the wrong idea. I love that you told me, I do” She hurried to reassure him and interlaced their fingers again “Adrien you had to deal with the identity of Hawkmoth all by yourself? I can’t even begin to imagine what you must have felt, discovering that your own father… and his goal being… “she stopped for a second to breath and then forced herself to continue “I wasn’t there for you and I´m supposed to be your best friend. when you revealed your identity, all I could see was a friend that I let down”

Tears were covering her eyes and his were starting to match. Little sobs slipping away unauthorized from her.

“Don’t worry Bug. My friends have me covered, also my annoying Kwami” he tried to lighten the mood “plus, my father and I are seeking professional help. We are going to therapy, together and apart and I’m actually moving back with him for the holidays” He placed their hands on his chest to try to convince her that it was all going better, she didn’t need to worry about him.

“Why are you consoling me when I’m here to comfort you? I wasn’t there for you as Ladybug and I wasn’t there as myself either, and there´s no one else to blame but myself. Hawkmoth was out of business; what real reason did I have to keep my identity from you? I can only assume what you felt after my poor reaction tonight and I´m so sorry for that. You must think I´m a horrible person, I felt such guilt that I couldn´t face you. I needed to think of a way to make it up to you, I still have to figured it out… But I promise that I will” She was crying so hard that it was breaking his heart.

“You don’t need to My Lady” His tone still calm, reassuring.

“I do, Chat, I do.  Because I was half there for my partner Chat, who was as surprised as me but unaffected on a personal way and I was… I mean, I’m sure your friends were there for you as Adrien but I Know you could begin to explain to them the magnitude of your situation.  What did you even tell them? That you were going through some difficulties with your father?” Breathing deeper was helping her get out of her chest what she wanted Adrien to understand. She knew that she was breaking some sort of record with this amount of rambling, but she wanted it all out.

“They think our problem is an abusive relationship and in a way that’s the truth”

Simple, no more explanations were needed and his friends where all over him. Chloe even got him a suite on his father’s hotel free of charge and during the first toughest months she, Nino, Alya and even Marinette took turns to stay with him over night.

“I was never alone. I always was at least with one of my friends and always with my Kwami. Remember Plagg? Little black kitty? The power to knock down the Eiffel tower? He’s being an amazing companion as exasperating as he can be”

“I warn you kid, the next time you are about to show your ´ding-dong´ to your Lady, there will be no annoying or exasperating kwami to stop you. You just keep insulting me and you´ll see” Plagg interrupted mockingly, making the two teen blush intently.  They released their hands as if on fire and adverted each other’s gaze.

“Plagggggg!!!!” Adrien hiss at his friend, who just went into the bathroom with a piece of cheese.

Mortified, Adrien inhaled and exhaled sharply before joining their hands once again.  Ladybug took it as a sign to continue, still very red.

"Well, now you have me as well, knowing all of you” She smiled and this time it felt genuine even with her blush and Adrien felt his heart skip a beat.

How wrong would it seem to kiss her now, since the conversation had been so dense? Probably not the best idea, so he stopped himself before leaning closer.

“So tell me, Adrien Chat Noir Agreste, what are this big plans for the holidays you mentioned?” It was good to see her calm, it helped him relax as well.

“Well, our therapist feels like we are ready to try to live together again and I have to admit that I agree.  For as much as I was disappointed and angry, I must confess that I never stopped loving my father.  He came clean to me as Adrien, you Know? Before he gave back the miraculouses” he smiled at her “that help a lot”

“Seriously?” If he could see her eyebrows they surely be up in her hairline.

“Yes, the same day.  He came to my room right before leaving for the massage house.  One hour later, the master was summoning us and the rest as they say, its history” It felt so good to tell her all of this, to finally have her being a part of his life as Adrien.  That’s what he had set out to get when he decided to reveal.  

He still loved her, very much, but he was in peace with the fact that his feelings were unrequired.  Being distracted with the hole ¨Hawkmoth turn out to be daddy¨ issue was at least helpful for this.

*

Ladybug and Adrien felt lighter after the long talk, getting closer on the couch and going from the heavy topics to brighten the mood with jokes till they felt sleep entangle in each other.

The next morning, Marinette was awakening first thanks to a remorseful Tikky.  The Kwami was sorry for not being able to hold the transformation longer but was clever enough to borrow a cookie and tap her holder´s face to get her attention before Adrien could caught her unmask and on her fluffy pajamas.

The pink light wake him but he didn’t get the chance to steal a snick peak of the girl beneath the suit.

“Good Morning beautiful” Ohh good his raspy morning voice, of course! He hurried to clear his throat.

“Morning handsome” Hey, she teased back! “I´m going to go before my parents kill me for not being in my bedroom”

“Big plans for today My Lady?”

“Not really, I´m finishing the last touches of some presents in the morning and a movie marathon with my dad for the afternoon”

“What about le réveillon de Noël?”

“Ohh well… I´m only half French and we actually celebrate tomorrow.  I may be joining a friend with his family though”

“Half French, huh? What about the other half?”

“Another story for another day” She teased “What about you, big moving day right?”

“Yes, I´d say I could use the help but I have the muscle part cover” He even flexed, morning Adrien was not a very articulate Adrien.

“By your bodyguard, I assume” she chuckled, still teasing him.

“Thanks” He frowned

“But seriously, do you need anything or?

“Don’t worry, I have a friend who´s family also celebrates tomorrow.  I was planning on asking her to accompany my father and me to the Midnight mass after the standard French dinner: Seafood and oysters as starters with bread and butter, followed by caviar, foie gras and then lots and lots of traditional Bûche de Noël”

“Looks like your friend is in for a treat, how come she doesn´t celebrate on the 24th?”

“Well, she´s half Chinese, and they celebrate on the 25th this year” He said stretching, he did not sleep well in that couch.

“Hey, what do you know! I´m also half Asian.  Ok-got-to-go-now-bye”

“What!” Adrien was surprised with that little fact about Ladybug.  Not giving him time to process, she simply half hug him and hurried out the window.  

Next part

[filmnala-blog]

hellooo everyone! my name is nijia and im very excited about this rp omg?? but anyways this is my bb nala and everything you need to know is under the cut. slide in my msgs or like this and i'll harass you for plots ok cool bye~~

━★ (YARA SHAHIDI, NINETEEN, NON-BINARY) Meet FRESHMAN NALA PASDAR , who studies FILM, i think? they used to be in KAPPA NU before shit hit the fan. NALA is from GEORGIA, and i heard they’re quite RESILIENT and INDUSTRIOUS but if you don’t like COMPETITIVE and OPPORTUNIST people, then you’re not going to get along. the other day i heard them listening to 6 INCH by BEYONCE on repeat and it’s basically their signature song right now.

nala was born and raised in georgia. she was a surrogate baby, her two dads wanted kids so a close friend to both of them decided to carry the baby and bless them with a child after having no luck with the adoption process. nala tells people she has 3 parents and loves her mom and two dads literally more than anything.

shes an only child, so her parents always pumped her up with encouragement and literally told her the world was hers so that's where here "im not a boss bitch im the boss, bitch." mentality comes from. she was always this way throughout school and it never really made her many friends because of it so shes used to being on the outside.

film is her passion. she LOVES writing and directing films. shes a huge movie buff and literally goes to see every. single. film. when it comes out in theaters. she loves helping people film youtube videos/vlogs (possible connection??) music vidoes...everything ok after high school bb took a gap year to write films and figure out what exactly her plan was. she moved to new york and got a job with a director as their assistant to really get a hands on look on what it would be like. started college the following year.

honestly nala is very determined to follow her dreams and doesn't let anyone get in the way. she has that "i'll get to the top and I dont mind losing people along the way." mentality and its pretty shitty at times. she really cares about people tho and has a big heart despite of how she may act sometimes.

baby is honestly gay as hell lmao. i mean she’ll date and mess around with boys but she’s a fucking sucker for a cute girl. also pronouns are she/they.

basic wanted connections ( bestfriend, roommate, enemy!!, ex’s on bad terms, friend with benefits, unrequired love!!! ) if you have any other sort of connections in mind let me know i’ll work with literally anything ok!!

[i-m-sulphur-i-guess]

"We'll toast to the health, Harry" (c)

So, now that I have (for some reason) revived my ancient tumblr and cleaned it from all the irrelevant, questionable and straight up disgraceful content, let's talk.

Let's talk about this goddamn Scorpions whisky.

My dear Dasha has already posted some things about it on her facebook, and oh lawd there was a discussion; but she eventually had to delete it, because the comment section was crowded with inadequate dudes telling her that there is nothing wrong with promoting alcohol, since it's "rock-n-roll" and people can decide for themselves whether to drink it or not. If we throw away all of the "wow such metal much cool" and "alcohol isn't actually bad for your health" arguments (which aren't even arguments at all), we'll find something that looked more or less like a reasoned point of view. Something that sounded like "we're all grownup people here, and we can all decide by ourselves if we want the whisky or not, and if someone wants to destroy themselves, they will find a method of their own anyway, so no advertisement can be responsible for that".

And as much as I try to respect people's opinions, everything about these statements is wrong.

Sure thing, if someone wants to go down the path of self-destruction, they would find a way. But that does not, in any kind of way, excuse promoting the tools of self-destruction, like booze. Some people do think that alcohol can be good for your health, but this is bollocks. And here's why. All of the substances alter your mental and physical state in an absolutely uncontrolled and unrequired way (making them different from, for example, antidepressants and other prescribed medications), basically poisoning you. Nothing that influences you that way can be considered healthy, even if you throw a full blister of fizzy vitamin tablets in it. Therefore, none of this can count as harmless and okay-ish thing to promote to others.

So, if you are an influencer of any kind and any extent, you should be aware of your power. Your power to influence people. And you should think twice about what you promote and what kind of messages you broadcast to your audience. Of course, it doesn't mean that you should pretend to be something you're not and put out a fake and insincere image of yourself. But no one should portray unhappiness and/or self-destruction as something normal, or cool, or positive. (And even if you think that way yourself - you should definitely stop it and get some help, just as good ol' Michael Jordan had recommended. But that is a whole other topic.) And if you respect and love your audience - why would you advertise something destructive to them?

And now the final part. The part where all these grownup people, who already have their views on alcohol, no matter how perverted they are, say that promoting things doesn't influence anyone's decisions. But they forget about the fact that there are horrible lots of younger people with no one to look up to in their close environment. Who might have no compass of their own for various reasons. These people would listen to whoever they find authoritative enough: instagram models, youtubers, actors, or rock musicians. With great fame comes great responsibility, and besides the fact that being famous gives anyone a wonderful chance to spread their thoughts, it also requires some thinking about what thoughts you want to be spread.

In the end, no influencer is responsible for their fans' lives and things they do, and indeed, everyone makes their own decisions. But even if a famous person finds it hard to deal with this pressure of publicity and spread any positive ideas because of their own emotional state and worldviews, there always are things that are quite easy to control on their side. Like brand deals. And this should be kept in mind by anyone who respects their audience.

[theperksofbeingashleyray]

write it all down. everything you’d like to say to him. write what you really feel but would never say, write what you would never tell anyone, write what you would never admit to yourself. get high and write something that doesn’t make sense. write.  i think that this is all leading somewhere. maybe not where i want it to lead. but somewhere. i’m not going to be delusional like the movies anymore and say that it’s leading back to there. that there’s going to be a long drawn out period of events just so we can end up at each other’s doorstep the ~right~ way. that’s stupid and insane and exactly what i shouldn’t be thinking right now. but it is leading somewhere. and i realized some things about myself and the world around me in those three days and they’re what’s making me do what i’ve always needed to do and they’re what’s making me work on myself. like, actually work on myself, the way i never did before. i mean actually fix myself, not just fill the holes in me with someone  who makes me feel like i’m fixed. i have to fix myself because if i’m not fixed i can’t do good for others. i want to do good for others. i feel like that’s my purpose and that’s the first step i’ve made towards figuring out my life in years.  my mom used to say that god has a plan for me. i don���t know if i believe in god or a supreme being or whatever, but if there is one, it’s not the way my mom thinks it is. but when i told her i didn’t want to be religious anymore, she sat me down and had this long talk with me. basically, her and my dad really wanted to have a kid, but i guess my mom had some issues that made it really difficult for her to get pregnant. anyway, they went through all this stuff trying to have a baby and maybe even had a miscarriage once before they kind of gave up. and then my mom became pregnant unexpectedly during the time when the probability was lowest. and she had a lot of issues with the pregnancy, and basically, from the way she explained it, it’s a miracle that i even exist. maybe everyone feels that way about their child. but my mom made it sound like i’m seriously special. and her whole point was that god must have some really important purpose for my life since i made it here through all that.  like i said, i don’t believe in god or whatever. but i’ve increasingly felt like my purpose here is to do good for people. to make them smile, to make them feel better, even if they’d never do the same for me. i’m a fucking pisces, and it’s what pumps the blood through my veins. i’ve said before that i wish i could feel the whole world’s pain so they wouldn’t have to. i don’t feel good when i receive gifts, only when a gift i’ve given someone makes them smile. i hope that when i die, it’s because i’m saving children from a burning building or something, but that no one sees me as a hero. i’ve felt really guilty lately because i’ve been feeling so horrible internally that i can barely go through the motions of everyday life, much less reach outside of myself to do something unrequired. i wanted more than anything to be at the protests in support of the immigrants, but i couldn’t pull myself out of bed. this is something much more important than me, much more widespread than the part of the world i’m capable of touching, and i should’ve been there, protecting the lives of those who don’t have the luxury to lie down for hours and complain of anxiety. but i was too selfish, too full of self-pity. all i could think of was my own foolish needs and desires. and that took me down another road - if i can’t do good for anyone else, and am only taking up space here, why should i keep going?  this one right now, it’s a tough one. leaving someone? someone who loves you and who you supported financially? how can that possibly be good? but i think i understand. being there made me feel bad a lot. giving to greg didn’t make him smile or feel good, only made him ask for more, for what i had already given away the last of. the empty jar feels pain at the touch of the hand that reaches in, asks for more. it wants desperately to give but has nothing left, so it crumbles, turns to nothing. i’d turned to nothing, been sucked dry so that i had little left to give to those who really needed it, and few ways to reenergize myself to keep giving. that’s what’s been wrong the whole time. i have to be a whole person in order to give, in order to make small improvements to the corner of the world that i touch, in order to have a part in whatever it is that saves the whole entire world. perhaps this was all an important step in getting me to the place where i’m supposed to be, perhaps it was an unfortunate diversion that kept me from the next milestone, but at any rate, i know that this has reached its end. it’s time for the next part.  so i must be selfless and i must not worry about my own desires, but i must be able to keep going. i live on others’ joy the way plants photosynthesize sunlight. sometimes an honest smile after i compliment someone can keep me alive for days. sometimes it takes more. at my worst, i need recognition, someone to tell me that i’m doing right, that i deserve to keep living. and perhaps this is why it is okay for me to find someone to be with, why i may even deserve it, even though that will require me to take from them at times. maybe it is okay for me to take sometimes, as long as i give the most.  still, this movie’s overarching theme is not one of finding someone to be with. maybe the two end up together, maybe they don’t. but if they do, it’s only a minor plotline. the scene where all is repaired and the credits roll, it’s not that one. if this is something that will help me to achieve my greater purpose, it will work out; and if it isn’t, it will fade into the background.  i said that i had always felt like i could write something, until i took a creative writing class and was criticized horribly. he said i should keep on. how unusual, having someone i’ve just met shoot down every criticism i repeat, the mantras that have followed me for years. so i’ll write. after all, i have to do something. kindness is not a career, advertising is not kind, a coffee shop can’t support me forever, not with my heart for giving my money away. and i think that maybe i can write. maybe it won’t lead anywhere at all, but maybe, just maybe, it will touch someone’s heart, maybe in a way that i can’t ever anticipate or know about, and then, the world will allow my existence to go on. maybe. maybe this will help me with another kind of writing, with music writing. maybe i can enjoy myself while i’m giving. maybe someone who has a knack for refuting my flaws should be around. maybe there’s a real opportunity for me to give there, in those sad eyes. maybe it will make its way back around. but i think that will only be the case if it helps along the main storyline. and right now, that feels okay. and i am going to be okay.