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merryfortune · 5 years

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Heaven Is Not A Place On Earth: Outline

This is a fic I’m never going to write but I do have it outlined to 89% completion, I figured that I would share it so interested parties could have a glimpse into what could have been~

my outline is a list which contains 100+ items so be careful when you open up the post. also, warnings for adultery, murder & character deaths

1. Mieru divines the blessed army to lead against the Academia Invasion but also Zarc’s Scourge

2. Reiji takes Reira from their room; Mieru muses on how its strange that the Queen wanted another child in the wake of Ray’s death

3. The three of them are then joined by Tsukikage who brandishes his teleportation ARM

4. The four arrive at a safe place for Reiji to conduct the Monban Pierrot ritual

5. Whilst that is happening, Mieru passes the time by doing some fortune telling in order to divine what kind of person(s) the Legendary Hero is going to be; she has some light-hearted moments imagining a musclebound hero, a charming hero, but also anxieties about a hero being malevolent rather than beneficial to the army

6. Yuya and Yuzu are summoned

7. Mieru is Shaken™ because she’s had dreams about Yuya and done seances, trying to contact him and realises that Yuya is her soul mate

8. Yuya talks about how his father went missing as a child and how his father would talk to him about Marchen before he went missing; Yuzu verifies

9. Reiji has his suspicions especially since Yuya looks very similar to a travelling magician Reiji met once as a child prior to his father’s court being dissolved and his father escaping because of war crimes

10. Their army grows from four to six and Reiji muses about how that means there are four members left to find

11. Reiji charts a course for them when Tsukikage receives a message from his brother talking about raids happening against them; he thinks it might be related to Zarc’s Scourge

12. (spoilers, it’s not: its Shun & Yuto)

13. Reiji hosts a meeting with the vassals and speak with victims of the scourge; he tells Mieru to look after their “guests” plus Reira

14. Yuya and Yuzu are treated to some assimilation in the city to help them less stand out and also equip them with the necessary means to fight in this world given that they were summoned to be soldiers

15. Yuzu gets separated from the group; she encounters Yuto

16. Yuya gets separated from the group; he encounters Sora

17. Shun picks a fight with Reiji when he separates from the group

18. They get into a fight and Reiji remembers Mieru’s prophecy regarding the hunting bird and the dove

19. Yuzu, Yuya, and Sora all meet up

20. Mieru is panicking but eventually regroups with the others; Sora disappears afterwards and makes Suspicious Comments about Yuzu and Yuya being so friendly with a witch

21. Yuya gets defensive and asks why Sora would say such cruel things about the crown princess of Keldea

22. Sora goes :0 and then >:3 in reaction to that and then excuses himself

23. Mieru has a reaction to that probably

24. They rejoin with Reiji again who announces that they have a bird to hunt for sport

25. Reiji vs Shun PART TWO, HELL YEAH

26. Reiji wins and the peanut gallery – namely Yuya and Yuzu – are gobsmacked by how powerful those little trinkets are

27. Shun is thoroughly defanged by the match and swears his allegiances because he knows now that Reiji is unaffiliated with Academia

28. Shun joins the Lancers

29. Reiji decides that their next course of action will be to recruit “the nobleman” but he has no idea who that is, but he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s the one nobleman that he can’t stand because Fates is Hashtag Like That

30. So, he organises a meeting with said nobleman

31. And his suspicions are proven correct

32. Some sort of Sawatari side quest begins

33. Yuya and Yuzu get a moment to shine/use their ARMs and it turns out that shit is way harder than the pros make it look

34. Some sort of Sawatari side quest ends

35. Army grows to eight: leaving only the spy, the defector, and the strongman

36. Gongenzaka side quest begins

37. Tsukikage and Mieru get the chance to have a Big Damn Heroes Moment inside of it, probably

38. Yuto also probably reappears at some point to go “Shun, what the fuck?” and “oh, hi Yuzu, you look really pretty today”

39. Gongenzaka side quest ends

40. He, Yuzu, and Yuya get along really well

41. Their movement begins to attract the attention of Academia

42. Thus introducing Serena who wants to prove her worth but everyone’s like “oh kitten, not now, dearest” and she resents that

43. Serena attempts to take the head of Prince Reiji

44. She is inadvertently intervened by Yuzu who just wants some hash tag girl time with a girl she doesn’t loathe since Mieru is really not that subtle about her crush on Yuya

45. Serena learns that Academia is… Not Good

46. They split up??? IDK maybe Shun chases her off or something only to go “wait, shit, was that Ruri??”

47. Serena’s bodyguard (what’s his face) tries to find her and bring her back

48. Serena fends him off for a while but fails

49. But luckily, it’s Reiji’s turn (again) for a Bid Damn Heroes moment and Serena is like “oh god, oh fuck, he’s kind of hot for a skinny prick”

50. Reiji then successfully recruits Serena

51. And also escalates Academia into progressing the war games

52. Whilst that’s happening, Yuya is having an identity crisis because of Yuto

53. And then Yugo shows up and that identity crisis doubles

54. Zarc’s Scourge begins to… be a thing

55. Anyway, Sora sorts them out and then flees when the rest of the Lancers who are capable of fighting turn up

56. The following day people have no idea what’s going on

57. And to make matters worse, Reiji receives a formal invite to the War Games

58. The date has been chosen, and he’s looking at his army and they’re all dumbasses, so he has Mieru prepare a training trip for them

59. Implied training montage

60. And that brings us to the date of the War Games, so they head to the location of the War Games in the Citadol or whatever

61. Introducing Melissa Claire to the scene; she’s going to be our host for the War Games

62. They arrive and Reiji is lowkey stressed because they’re missing a member and they have no idea what’s going on

63. But oh hey look, Dennis is here.

64. Flashback establishing Dennis’ relationship with Reiji and Mieru as the royal court jester of Keldea

65. Dennis “offers” to be the extra set of hands Reiji needs and Reiji is highkey suspicious, but you know what? Adult life is already so goddamn weird, this may as well happen

66. Mieru has a dumbass moment here probably regarding Dennis

67. Anyway, there’s a trumpet sequence and out come Sora, bouncing and happy, eating candy, saying hello to his dear friends Yuya and Yuzu but uh oh…

68. He’s revealed to be a part of Academia’s entourage

69. The Professor, The Tyler Sisters, Yuri, Edo, [name], a Brainwashed Rin and Ruri also appear

70. Melissa begins to explain how the War Games will work

The War Games will proceed until one side has lost more than half their players

Losing players are killed or treated as though they have been killed

At some point, every member of the team has to have been on the field in the duel

If a Captain (so Reiji or the Professor) loses then the War Games are over, no matter how premature but there is a ban on either of them entering the fray until at least day four.

A dice will decide which players fight and when

Environments for the duels are chosen “at random”

71. And then she has a light bulb moment when she notices something remiss regarding Academia. Melissa points out that Academia technically doesn’t have players for the War Game

72. The Professor smirks and says “They’re here, give them a moment”

73. Dennis has a shifty moment

74. Melissa declares the War Games feast open and that the matches will begin tomorrow

75. Round 1: Sawatari vs Edo

76. Sawatari astounds everyone and manages to win the match

77. Round 2: Shun vs Sora

78. Lancers win

79. Round 3: Mieru & Dennis vs Yuri & Sora

80. Dennis risks revealing himself to be the spy and aides Yuri and Sora by throwing the match

81. Mieru loses and Reiji is like “oh shit, maybe I do have feelings for my fiancé, even though I have been technically cheating on her”

82. Additionally, Reiji realises that “the spy” from Mieru’s prophecy is not a spy working for him, like he had hoped/otherwise thought

83. Round 4: Shun and Tsukikage vs The Tyler Sisters

84. Lancers win and the Tyler Sisters are severely punished for it

85. Leo kills them in cold blood in front of everyone and it finally sinks in for Yuya and Yuzu that Marchen isn’t as fluffy as they thought it was

86. Round 6: Gongenzaka vs Dennis

87. Lancers win and Dennis, at least temporarily, kills himself off-screen but Gongenzaka finds his suicide note or equivalent

88. Round 7: Serena vs [her old bodyguard]

89. Round 8: Yuya & Yuzu vs Rin & Ruri

90. Lancers win and manage to break the spell Rin & Ruri were under

91. Shun and Ruri have a heartfelt reunion

92. Reiji steps in before anything can happen to Rin, so she finds asylum with the lancers

93. Rin is amnesiac now??? Maybe???

94. Final Round: Reiji & Yuya vs The Professor & Yuri

95. Lancers win and Reiji goes to murder Leo and Yuya is like “bitch what the fuck, you can’t kill him, he’s your father”

96. And Reiji’s like “well I have to; he broke one of the most important laws of Keldea

97. Reiji proceeds to kill Leo in front of Yuya

98. Yuya goes berserk

99. Reiji has an “oh shit” moment

100. Yuri, who was barely standing, also goes berserk

101. Reiji realises there is an unexpected element in his father’s plan: it wasn’t just total domination of Keldea and Marchen, there was something else which even Reiji didn’t know about and it’s too late now to ask him what his goal is because he’s a corpse

102. Yuzu manages to calm Yuya

103. Serena manages to calm Yuri

104. The War Games are over, but Reiji still needs to quell Zarc’s scourge, especially since something is Wrong

105. Rin tells him about Yugo and Reiji begins to wonder

106. Four boys; four girls: Zarc and Ray – is it all connected? Can it all be connected?

107. He and Mieru have a deep and meaningful on the topic

108. Yugo returns to plot somehow???

109. Stuff happens???

110. Final confrontation with Yu-Boys vs Yu-Girls

111. Ray resurrects via Reira somehow

112. Zarc is defeated

113. Relationships are somehow resolved

114. Happily ever after :)

#merry muses #writing tag #heaven is not a place on earth #the only part i wanna write is the tournament arc because i wanna put all their arm to good use #i've got arms designed for p much everyone who is a lancer

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worldwrestlingfanatic · 6 years

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Classic Review: WrestleMania 20

Its been awhile since the last time I posted, I'm sorry for that. I've been sidetracked with finding work and lame adult stuff like that but I'm back now with this review, a fastlane prediction post sometime next week and I'm sure I'll have another review up sometime next week as well. This WrestleMania is one of my personal favorites, it's not like this is a fantastic wrestling show from start to finish but this has so many great "wrestlemania moments" that make me feel nostalgic with the ruthless aggression era being my favorite era in the companies history.

Big Show (C) vs. John Cena

The crowd was super hot for Cena during his run with the rapper gimmick and during this time is probably the peak of that heat. The match wasn't anything incredible but we got a pretty neat Cena promo before the match started to get the crowd hyped so at least there was that. This match was just mostly Big Show flexing his strength throwing Cena around and overpowering him. The end comes when the referee has his back turned, Cena hits Show with brass knucks then hits him with an FU and picks up the win. This was the first wrestlemania where Cena had a match and in his Mania match debut he picks up the United States championship.

Booker T & RVD (C) vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak vs. La Résistance

An underlying theme of this show was overbooking multi man matches for the sake of getting as many people booked on a wrestlemania card as possible. I couldn't tell you one memorable thing Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak ever did as a team and I totally forgot RVD and Booker T ever being a tag team until I rewatched this show. I dont mind multi man matches if everyone can really participate and it still be entertaining, I'll never complain about something being entertaining no matter the circumstances, but that wasn't the case. In an overall uneventful match Booker T & RVD win, retaining their tag team titles.

Christian vs. Chris Jericho

It took until the third match on the card but we got a really solid match. Also a slight side note, this event Jericho wears one of my favorite wrestling attires ever so if 2k wants to sell copies of their next game definitely make this attire Chris Jericho (Retro) attire or a side attire. But, I really enjoyed this match, but this is nothing new since Jericho and Christian would feud for a little while after this and they would continue to have some entertaining matches. Trish would end up making an interference but she doesn't really come in play until after the match. Christian ends up getting the win tonight and Trish turns heel by smacking Jericho twice and follows Christian up the ramp and laying on a French kiss on him.

Randy Orton, Batista & Ric Flair vs. Mick Foley & The Rock

This was a pretty "middle of the road" kind of match for me. It wasn't boring but I wasn't overly entertained, it's like they did just enough to keep my attention. The evolution squad of Orton, Batista and Flair get the win tonight which is odd since they got the Rock back just for this match. If they did this match today, it would be a no brainer that Foley and Rock would win. Part timers at Mania almost never lose especially since the feud would continue to the next pay per view. The main feud going into this match was Foley vs. Orton by the way. Looking forward, a loss tonight and a loss at Backlash the next month made Orton look great but it didn't really do much to make Foley look like a real threat.

Torrie Wilson & Sable vs. Miss Jackie & Stacy Keibler

(Playboy Evening Gown Match)

This match was a perfect example of the relationship between WWE and its female talent at the time. A tag team match between four half naked woman (hence the evening gown stipulation) and the match (from bell to bell) was under 3 minutes. As a male it intrigues me but as a wrestling fan it disgusts me. Its like fighting with myself to determine if I enjoyed what I was seeing or not. This match was a result of all these woman wanting to be that months cover of playboy, Torrie and Sable got the cover and Jackie & Stacy didn't so they were upset and had a match. Torrie and Sable ended up getting the win here but this feud was over two woman being upset because they didn't get to pose naked for a magazine sooooo.

Chavo Guerrero (C) vs. Akio vs. Jamie Noble vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Ultimo Dragon vs. Billy Kidman vs. Funaki vs. Nunzio vs. Shannon Moore vs. Tajiri

If it seems like theres too many people in this match, it's because there is too many people involved in this match. This was like a gauntlet match, it started with two people in the ring and when someone got pinned, they would go to the back and the next superstar would come in. The twist here is that the superstars wouldn't run to the ring when it was their time to come out because while two superstars were competing the other superstars were surrounding the ring like a lumberjack match. They mentioned on commentary that this was supposed to be a one on one between Chavo and Rey but because of unexplained reasons eight other people were added to the match. No two competitors went at it for more than five minutes anyway so I'm convinced a one on one match would have been infinitely more entertaining especially since the last two superstars in this match ended up being Chavo and Rey anyway. Chavo ended up winning due to interference by his dad (Chavo Classic) and he retains his cruiserweight championship.

Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

(Special Referee - Stone Cold Steve Austin)

This match is one reason why this wrestlemania is remembered. That's only because of how uneventful and disappointing this match was. Word got out that both of these guys would be leaving WWE after this show and the crowd let them hear their disappointment. Brock was leaving to pursue a career with the NFL and I dont remember why Goldberg decided to leave but its possible that he just wanted to step away from the wrestling business for awhile. This match was pretty much these two staring at each other from across the ring and putting each other in rest holds the whole time. Goldberg ended up picking up the victory and Lesnar gave double middle fingers to the crowd. The most entertaining part of this match was Steve Austin delivering stunner to both men, what a way to send both guys out.

Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty (C) vs. The APA vs. The Bashams vs. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team

Just like with Raws tag team title match we've got SmackDown doing the same exact thing with their tag team title match. I will say this match was better than the previous tag team fatal four way we saw earlier in the night and it was shorter. Everyone got their stuff in and it was faster paced because it didn't get as much time. It wasn't overly entertaining but it was serviceable. I absolutely love the tag team of Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas so seeing them lose was a bit of a disappointment because they're both legitimately great workers and it would've done great for them and the image of the titles. However Rikishi and Scotty ended up winning and retaining here tonight. The crowd didn't react much but I can only assume at this point they're burnt out on all the multi man matches plus this match had to follow Brock and Goldberg.

Victoria (C) vs. Molly Holly

(If Molly loses she must have her head shaved bald)

At least this show had a womans title match is about all I can say. I didn't hate this match, it just didn't do anything for me. Which is a perfect summary of every womans match during the ruthless aggression era, I think. I like Victoria, I think she was one of the few female talents in WWE at this time who had an entertaining character and could also carry someone to at least a mediocre match. This match was close to seven minutes in length which is pretty generous for womans match around this time. Victoria picked up the win here, retaining her title and shaving Molly's head at the top of the stage.

Eddie Guerrero (C) vs. Kurt Angle

Its been awhile but we finally get a super entertaining wrestling match on the show but with Eddie and Kurt you've just gotta know that you're gonna see something special. Two guys who really have a love for what they do and a willingness to always push the limits to put on a great match. I dont think this is even they best match they've had, I've seen some old SmackDown shows were I think they've had better matches but I for sure dont wanna take anything away from this match, this was awesome. Eddie ends up retaining after slipping out of his boot when Kurt had the angle lock locked in and off the distraction Eddie got the win. Its matches and superstars like this that made the ruthless aggression era so special to me, not even the era, its performances like this and so many more during this time that made me make a special place in my heart for wrestling/WWE and it's why I dont think I'll ever have it in me to just give up on wrestling.

The Undertaker vs. Kane

This match was short but entertaining. This was a wrestlemania undertaker match that went under ten minutes so that came as a bit of a shock, especially against Kane with the history they have. No "mind blowing" or overly entertaining moments but it was straight and to the point and because of that I can appreciate it for what it was. Undertaker got the win over Kane setting his wrestlemania record to 12-0 at the time.

Triple H (C) vs. Chris Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels

This match was the whole reason why I even thought of reviewing this show. Just so I could watch this match. These three guys bring such a different style to the match that when thrown together you knew you were going to get something entertaining. The great heel work of Triple H, the exciting offense of Shawn Michaels and the technical wrestling ability of Benoit. Some would argue that a one on one between Shawn and Triple H would've been a great, and a more deserving way, to main event a wrestlemania but Chris Benoit was incredibly over with the crowd at the time and he had the skill to back up the hype, Benoit wasn't going to be denied. I really feel like these three gave everything they had in this match and it resulted in one of the more memorable wrestlemania moments/matches of all time. WWE would never acknowledge this matches existence, and for good reason I suppose, its just a huge shame that the actions of one man under the influence of performance enhancing substances will forever wipe this match off the record books in the eyes of the WWE. Chris Benoit picked up the win tonight and won his first World Heavyweight championship and he even made Triple H tap out to do it. Yes, Triple H tapped out to Chris Benoit. Say what you will about Triple H but I'll always feel like he always had what's best for the business as a priority over his own personal gain. When Triple H knew a superstars popularity and skill was too much too be denied he didn't mind doing "The job". That was the case in this match. Triple H did the honor of putting over Benoit. It's not like he was going out on injury, he wasn't leaving for any reason, flat out, he did the job and put over the popular, deserving talent. What really made this a wrestlemania moment was Eddie Guerrero meeting Benoit in the middle of the ring after the match and celebrating with him. Eddie retaining his title earlier and Benoit winning his first World title with the confetti falling from the sky, it couldn't have been booked any better, a true feel good moment between two of the greatest wrestlers ever. Unfortunately both men passed away way before their time but with moments like this they'll live forever. I'm glad I got to grow up with this. WWE loves to market a wrestlemania moment nowadays, well for me, it doesn't get better than this. A genuine moment that the fans loved. It's crazy that a scripted event can cause some of the most real emotion a fan can feel.

Pros: Christian vs. Chris Jericho, Eddie Guerrero vs. Kurt Angle, Benoit vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H

Cons: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg, too many multi man/team matches

I know this show isn't a complete wrestling masterpiece but ultimately what I ask for out of a wrestlemania is the major championship matches to be entertaining and for the show to end on a positive note, and in my opinion, this show succeeds in doing that. Multi man/team matches were a bit annoying and the female talent didn't get the love or appreciation it should've had from the start but I grew up in a time where that was just the norm, all I can do is just appreciate that its different today. In my opinion this wrestlemania had the best end in the wrestlemania history and when it came to Eddie and Benoit I really felt like I was watching two guys live out their dream and as a wrestling fan theres no better feeling than knowing your favorite wrestlers are living out their dream and having a great time doing it.

3/5

#aew #ring of honor #tna #tna impact #tna wrestling #wwe #wwe nxt #wwe raw #wwe smackdown #wrestling #triple h #wrestlemania #review #rant #wow #chris jericho #randy orton

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junker-town · 7 years

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NFL Dad, Week 3: Protests, naps, and guacamole

One father of two young children attempts to watch the RedZone channel while parenting. Along the way: reflections on serving your country and the reliable success of guacamole.

Parents often talk about “seeing the world through a child’s eyes,” a cliché that should come with a $500 fine or a punch in the nose from someone without kids. What they mean, in plainer terms, is that they noticed something they had previously taken for granted because their dumb kids saw it for the first time.

Seasons changing is a great example of this. If you’re an adult with no kids, the shift to fall is automatic: you slide into your football-watching habits, dig your hoodies out of storage, maybe post some foliage on your Instagram. This ain’t your first rodeo.

My daughter is almost 3, and her preschool’s ENTIRE CURRICULUM is season-based: apples in the fall, snowflakes in the winter, seeds in the spring. She’s obsessed with books about autumn and Halloween. Instead of going to bed when it’s light out, her bedtime now happens at sunset; we look out the window and try to spot leaves that have started to change color. The farmer’s market we walk through on Saturdays now has pumpkins and squash, and when I take the kids to Trader Joe’s on Sunday morning, 70 percent of the items are pumpkin-flavored. I swear to God there’s pumpkin-flavored almond milk and a sign that says “All pumpkin everything!” It is 87 degrees outside.

But the equinox doesn’t lie: it’s officially fall. At least there’s football.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— The dominant story line before the games, and even throughout them, is how players and teams react to President Trump excoriating the “sons of bitches” who kneel during the national anthem, tough words indeed from a patriot who loves America so much he wouldn’t leave her soil during the Vietnam war.

Maybe you voted for Donald Trump, and maybe you didn’t, but there’s no way around those five draft deferments. And, speaking as someone who’s actually been to war, avoiding war is genuinely a very good idea! It’s just a shame that the president abandoned that stance when it wasn’t his jiggling ass on the line.

Anyway, I wrestled with most of this a year ago when Colin Kaepernick first started his protest, and the video I made then still captures my feelings now:

Long story short: My father went to the Air Force Academy and served 22 years as a pilot. I served as a Marine tank commander in Iraq. Because of my time in the Corps, I have some friends who still wear the uniform, some who now work as FBI agents, and some who are underground, God rest their souls. The flag means a LOT to me. I love the anthem. But that doesn’t mean the anthem protests are ABOUT me, or what I feel.

A protest during the national anthem may be offensive to you. Your feelings are valid. But placing them ahead racial injustice in this country — or even a person’s peaceful execution of his First Amendment rights — demonstrates a woeful lack of empathy, or at least a willful ignorance of racism in America. If this isn’t self-evident already, I’ll just point out that the president responded to a white supremacist march that killed a woman by saying that SOME WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE VERY FINE PEOPLE. I’m so tired of being gaslit about this shit. It’s exhausting.

— I don’t see most of the anthem stuff because I’m putting son down for a nap. When I come back, Rob Gronkowski scores a touchdown on third-and-goal. Save me, Gronk. Save me from the stupidity. Whisk me away to an island of frosty light beers and laughing at “69” jokes. I yearn for the intellectual upgrade.

— The Saints sack Cam Newton on third-and-three inside the 10. A goal-line stand? From the Saints? Something is amiss.

— Weird NFL continues: after the Steelers muff a punt, the Bears go up 7-0 with a Jordan Howard TD. Not long after, Ben Roethlisberger gets sacked and fumbles, with the Bears recovering. I took the Steelers -7 today, and I’m already sick with regret.

— AHAHAHAHAHA, I just saw Joe Flacco’s numbers against Jacksonville on the ticker: 8-18 for 28 yards with 2 interceptions. Holy shit, 1.6 yards per attempt! I hope they quarantined the stadium before Flacco could spread the plague any further. London suffered enough in the 17th century.

— At 1:34 p.m., everyone but me is napping: my daughter in her bedroom, my son in ours (the kids sleep in the same room at night but nap separately), and my wife on the couch as I watch RedZone. The shades are drawn and the TV is muted. Could I nap? Nothing about this column prevents me from napping. The Eagles convert a fourth-and-inches near midfield. The Jets punt.

— On third-and-goal in Indy, Jacoby Brissett fakes a pass and takes it on a designed keeper. Nice play design. Am I tired enough to nap? I had a cold brew a little before the games began; I don’t want to miss out on football for a failed nap.

— DeShaun Watson hits Bruce Ellington with a beautiful throw over the middle for a score, and the Texans have a surprising 10-7 lead over the Pats. I managed to get a nap in yesterday afternoon. After my son’s swim lesson, my wife took the kids so I could stay at the pool and swim laps. I came home with that all-over muscle fatigue you only get from swimming, made a grilled ham and cheese sandwich for lunch, and crashed on the couch while the kids slept.

— Duke Johnson leaps into the end zone for a 19-yard touchdown to tie the game at 7.

CBS broadcast

See, this is why I’m hesitant to nap. Because even though the Browns-Colts game is the LAST game I’d want to watch this week, it has already produced two touchdowns I thought merited inclusion in this collection of notable plays.

— So much for the Texans’ lead: after a Watson INT sets the Pats up in the red zone, Tom Brady finds Chris Hogan wide open in the end zone for a TD. In Indy, Jacoby Brissett scores another TD on the ground, while the Saints and Falcons -- both on the road — build commanding early leads. If I napped now, I’d probably be awake by the third quarter of the early games. I’d miss nothing of note. I should just do it.

— On second-and-goal, Ben Roethlisberger goes to Antonio Brown 1-on-1 on a quick screen, and that’s a TD every time. It ties the game at 7-7, and while rooting for the Steelers feels gross, I have gambling interests to protect. Or maybe I’m just too tired to think straight? I should nap.

— It is 2:05, 31 minutes after I first started contemplating a nap. My heart is beating a little fast from the cold brew, but the exhaustion of parenting is resolute. I lie down next to my wife and throw my arm over my eyes to shade them from the flicker of the television.

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— At 2:38, I open my eyes, and Drew Brees is hitting Tedd Ginn over the top for a 40-yard touchdown. The safety help arrived too late.

— I scroll back through Twitter just a few minutes to see if I’ve missed anything big, and BOY HOWDY are people tweeting about the Bears.

Wow. #PITvsCHI http://pic.twitter.com/gG6Ry6Uylr

— NFL (@NFL) September 24, 2017

In the Twitter era, this is the perfect thing to experience AFTER it’s happened. I don’t have to wade through dumb exclamations or the confusion of the moment, and I don’t have to wait for the Bears’ false start on their untimed play. I just wake up to a brief, handy explainer. Naps are the best. Always nap.

— Stefon Diggs is going OFF. A long touchdown, his second for the game, makes it 28-3 in favor of the Vikings early in 3rd quarter. I picked the Bucs to win because Case Keenum is sun-bleached highway trash, but apparently Diggs, the Vikings’ defense, and home turf are more than enough to handle Tampa Bay.

— A flurry of touchdowns as my wife makes chorizo bean dip: Tom Brady to Brandin Cooks on a deep crossing route puts the Pats up 28-20; Golden Tate’s first TD of the season cuts the Falcons’ lead to 23-20; and Zach Ertz scores on a short pass for the Eagles. The Giants now trail by five* scores, 14-0 (*adjusted for Giants’ offense).

— My daughter is awake, but we’re not getting her out of bed yet. My wife is putting the finishing touches on the chorizo dip, and I’m making guacamole.

This is all I'm eating the rest of the day (thank u @celebrityhottub for the chorizo dip recipe)

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Sep 24, 2017 at 1:06pm PDT

Guacamole take: guacamole has a huge range of success. My ideal guac has salt, lime, garlic, cilantro, red onion, and tomato, but I still enjoy it with fewer or more ingredients. Whatever you like is fine.

— Down two touchdowns, the Giants fail on fourth down in red zone, but the resulting Manningface minimized by RedZone’s double-box. I NEED FULLSCREEN ANGUISH, YOU HEATHENS. I realize only now that I’ve seen both of Manning’s interceptions today, but none of his reactions to them.

— DeShaun Watson still makes rookie mistakes, but his ceiling looks an awful lot like Russell Wilson at his best:

DeShaun Watson out here stealing Patrick Mahomes plays. http://pic.twitter.com/0e2VXqNOKS

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

Watson caps that drive with a TD to his tight end, cutting the Texans’s deficit to 28-27. A few minutes later, they’ll kick a field goal to go up 30-27.

— Jameis Winston hits DeSean Jackson down the sideline for a TD as the third quarter ends; the Bucs now trail 31-17. Can Dirk Koetter wear his glasses any further down his nose? He’s like a disapproving librarian in a children’s movie.

— The Dolphins are losing to Jets 20-0. Living in the New York broadcast area guarantees me the Jets and Giants every damn week, but a small part of me wishes I were watching this game on local TV so I could see Cutler’s face.

— In a shocking turn of events, the Giants score an offensive touchdown! Less shocking, it’s Odell Beckham who scores it. For his celebration, he crawls on all fours and lifts his leg like a dog pissing, earning a flag for unsportsmanlike conduct.

And whatever, that’s part of the cost of doing business with a physical genius, but when Beckham scores again a few minutes later on an incredible one-handed catch, he raises a solitary fist in protest. And y’all, I don’t want to be Grumpy Old Columnist, but Beckham’s messaging priority is perhaps less than ideal here. “Okay, pretend to be a dog taking a piss — check. Up next: racial equality!”

The only explanation that makes any sense is that the first celebration was a reference to Trump’s “son of a bitch” comment. Regardless, the world was so much better when he was making out with a kicking net.

— Deshaun Watson does it again:

Deshaun Watson is just insane, man. @battleredblog http://pic.twitter.com/Po9IPRdBgf

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler) September 24, 2017

The Texans are running the ball with the lead in Pats territory with only 2:30 remaining in the game. Could the Pats lose this? The telecast cuts to Bob Kraft up in his suite, his mouth agape and forehead scrunched, like a billionaire trying to understand what starving people could be mad about.

But no, the Texans are stoned on third-and-one, and kick a field to go up 33-28. They are 100 percent about to lose this game.

— With 55 seconds remaining, the Bears punt on fourth-and-two just short of midfield with the score tied at 17. On the one hand, I respect the decision to remove the responsibility for victory from Mike Glennon’s hands. On the other: COWARDS.

A WILD FLURRY TO END THE GAMES

— The Patriots get the ball back with about 2:30 to play. Tom Brady converts the following into first downs: second-and-20, third-and-12, third-and-18. On the next play after the third-and-18 conversion, Brady finds Brandin Cooks for a toe-tap touchdown with 23 seconds remaining.

— Trailing by four, the Lions have entered the red zone, then exited it on penalties. Matt Stafford is incomplete on 1st and 30, but defensive holding on second-and-30 gives the Lions a first down and new life. Pass interference a few plays later gives them first-and-goal on the 1. Golden Tate scores a touchdown with 8 seconds left! The Lions are gonna win!

— In overtime, Tarik Cohen scores on a long run to seal the game for the Bears. Both my kids are up now, and my daughter is going around the apartment yelling, “DING-DONG! TRICK OR TREAT!” A few minutes later, Jordan Howard scores from 19 yards out to re-seal the game for the Bears, and whatever context there was for Cohen NOT scoring a touchdown is lost. Could I look up the box score to see what happened? Sure, but it’s more fun to have it LOST TO HISTORY.

— The Texans’ final prayer goes unanswered, as Watson’s Hail Mary is intercepted in the end zone.

— Wait, what?!? The Lions LOST? Tate’s TD is overturned, and the game is over. Just a BRUTAL blow for my fantasy team, and also the Lions.

Kevin Seifert of ESPN explained why it was the right call, but to me it doesn’t look like there was enough evidence to overturn the call. As swings of luck go, this should even things out for Tate, who caught the Fail Mary for the Seahawks ... wait a second ... FIVE YEARS AGO TO THE DAY. SpoOOOoOoOooOOookyyyyyy!

Sorry, I’ve been reading lots of Halloween books to my daughter.

— Eagles attempt a 61-yarder in a vain attempt to avoid overtime. Odell Beckham is back to catch a potential miss and … IT’S GOOD! HOLY MAMULA! MANNINGFACE FOR EVERYONE.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— After the hypodermic of adrenaline that ended the early games, the late slate has a whopping three contests: Chiefs-Chargers, Seahawks-Titans, and Bengals-Packers. If the NFL can push Seahawks-Titans to a late start, why not do it with two other games that start in the Central Time Zone? Push Bucs-Vikings and Browns-Colts to the second slate of games, and they won’t get lost in the early shuffle. “America’s Game of the Week” notwithstanding, I will never understand why the NFL doesn’t try to balance this more. It’s bad and I hate it.

— Kids change SO FAST when they’re young. Physical and linguistic milestones whiz past seemingly every week; go a month without seeing someone’s toddler, and you’re bound to meet an entirely new kid.

That said, this was my son’s favorite game in June, when he was just over a year old:

Fatherhood: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A post shared by Matt Ufford (@mattufford) on Jun 18, 2017 at 5:38pm PDT

It is more than three months later, and he’s STILL doing this. Just smashing his face into the couch or any soft chair like it’s the best thing in the world. (*slowly crosses off “engineer” on list titled FUTURE CAREERS*)

— Tyreke Hill has already scored a TD, on a great pass by Alex Smith. It’s still super-weird to see Smith throw deep with confidence, or at all.

— Davante Adams fumbles just short of the end zone, and Aaron Rodgers does a nice job of preventing a Bengals touchdown on the return. After review, though, Adams is ruled down and the Packers have first-and-goal inside the 1. Lance Kendricks gets wide open on play-action and catches the touchdown, tying the game at 7 in Green Bay.

— Our neighbors have come over because we made too much dip and guacamole, and there are now four kids under three years old in my two-bedroom apartment. The math sounds bad, but it’s not: their kids are younger than ours — a 2-year-old daughter and a newborn — and anyway, they’re a delight. In 13 years of living in New York City (in six different apartments), I’ve never had good neighbors before. When we eventually move, I’m bringing them with us.

— On a Titans third-and-10, Marcus Mariota sails a pass that gets picked off by Kam Chancellor. Richard Sherman, though, gets flagged for pass interference (ticky-tack in my opinion, but I’m not an objective viewer). He also gets flagged for holding on the return (also ticky-tack), then tears off his helmet to argue with the refs, earning a misconduct foul (definitely warranted). The penalties cost the Seahawks possession and 30-40 yards of field position. After several more penalties, Tennessee kicks a field goal to go up 3-0.

This is fine. Everything’s fine. This column will not be me yelling about the Seahawks every week. (*jaws clench so hard my head vibrates*)

— Y’all, we need to talk about the most nonchalant human being on the planet:

To make matters worse for the #lions. The food is on fire at Ford Field by the locker room. http://pic.twitter.com/aLFNDj4kc3

— Evan Jankens (@KINGoftheKC) September 24, 2017

That lady has straight-up ICE WATER in her veins. “Oh, a fire as tall as I am? (yawn) Not really much I can do here. Let’s just close the— yep, open this other door to get that closed. Anyway, let me know if it’s still there after my break.” She’s the Daenerys Targaryen of concession workers.

— Philip Rivers has thrown his THIRD interception, and it’s barely the second quarter. Every time I look at him, I just think, “Eight kids, man. EIGHT. KIDS.” That HAS to define his entire life. Like, when was the last time he took his family to a restaurant? Never, right? I have two kids that are relatively well-behaved; my wife and I have taken them to restaurants three times this year: brunch twice (one disaster, one white-knuckle balancing act), and dinner once (only a success because the pizza place had just opened and there was no one else there). We have no desire to take them out again. Maybe in another year or so.

I guarantee you the youngest Rivers children are being raised by their siblings. Nobody parents that well past three kids.

— The Bengals have dominated offensively so far. They’re up 14-7 on Gio Bernard’s short catch for a TD ... No, make that 21-7. Rodgers throws a pick-six — only the second of his career — to William Jackson.

That’s mind-blowing. This is Rodgers’ TENTH season as a starter, and that’s only his second career pick-six? Matt Schaub once doubled that in a month.

— Richard Sherman, who has apparently lost his damn mind, earns a flag for a late-ish hit on Mariota.

FWIW here is when Sherman hit Mariota http://pic.twitter.com/WTeBy9IrHC

— Ben Baldwin (@guga31bb) September 24, 2017

Taylor Lewan immediately gets up in Sherman’s face, and I think he gets flagged too, but my daughter has come up to me saying, “I want to be an animal. I want to see a jellyfish.” Is Richard Sherman ejected? What’s happening? “I want to see a jellyfish.”

Goddammit. Okay, sweetie. Let’s watch some f**king jellyfish.

youtube

“What’s that?” she says, pointing at my laptop screen.

“It’s a jellyfish, sweetie. These are all jellyfish.” Richard Sherman is still in the game. The Titans kick a field goal, 6-0.

— My son’s other obsession tonight — besides smashing his face into the couch — is the hokey-pokey. He’s no good at putting his hand in and shaking it all about, but he DOMINATES at turning around. He spins around in circles until he careens left and crashes into the credenza. He thinks it’s hilarious. He is correct.

— Stop me if you’ve heard this one: the Seahawks have a third-and-long, leading to a Russell Wilson sack. With the Seahawks missing their top two special teamers, Adoree’ Jackson takes the ensuing punt back for a score ... but it gets called back on a block in the back, yet another ticky-tack call. LET ‘EM PLAY, REFS.

After doing little on offense for 28 minutes, the Seahawks and Titans come alive inside the two-minute drill, with the Seahawks engineering a quick touchdown drive before the Titans kick another field goal to go into the locker room up 9-7.

— Rodgers is sacked again near the end of the half, and the Bengals call timeout to force the Packers to punt ... but the punt is muffed! The Packers recover, but the clock runs out during the scramble for the ball. Y’know, looking back on this play, I probably didn’t need to write this paragraph.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— On Sundays, the kids are supposed to take a bath together, but they’ve got their own ideas about that; my son refuses to sit down, and my daughter screams “I’m not ready yet!” any time we pick her up. So, separate baths.

At one point, as both kids cry, I see the referees signal TDs for Seahawks and Packers, but not the touchdowns themselves.

— The Seahawks defense looks tired. The tackling on Rishard Matthews’ 55-yard TD is pitiful (and, ahem, aided by the tight end tackling Kam Chancellor from behind, I REGRET ASKING FOR LESS OFFICIATING), and they’re similarly flat-footed on Jonnu Smith’s 24-yard score that puts the Titans up 23-14.

— Following a sack on third-and-seven, the Bengals miss a field goal. They still lead 21-14, but now it looks tenuous.

— The Seahawks never look close to completing a third-and-11; they are now 2/10 on third downs. Before they punt, RedZone clicks back to Bengals-Packers.

I see it on Twitter first: DeMarco Murray has scored on a 75-yard run. It’s a little after 6:30; my kids will be going to bed in the next half-hour. I pause the TV. “Actually,” I say to my wife, then turn the TV and cable box off completely as a way of finishing the sentence. “But can you still pick up where you paused?” my wife asks. “Nope,” I say, and that’s the point, because I’m a dumb baby who hates watching his stupid football team.

— My daughter, who refused to eat dinner at the prescribed hour, is finally eating her spaghetti as long as I’m reading the same four godforsaken Halloween books I’ve been reading to her for the last two days. My wife got those books out of the closet when she was in there to get something else and she “just happened to see them.” There are five weeks until Halloween. In a month, this column might be about divorce.

— I put the kids to bed at 7:00, and turn the TV back on. The Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with about 8:30 left, which means this will be just stupid enough to keep me watching as the Seahawks lose by one score. Almost immediately, Seattle’s dangerous-looking drive gets blown up by intentional grounding, setting up third-and-29, then fourth-and-22.

They go for it. It’s a ... Hail Mary into the end zone?

Seahawks just whiffed on a three-man rush on 4th and 22. Wilson had about .7 seconds to throw. Embarrassing.

— Robert Klemko (@RobertKlemko) September 24, 2017

The half-moon of regret that is the Seahawks offensive line. Couldn't protect for four seconds against a three-man rush on fourth-and-22. http://pic.twitter.com/kSVeZGLUjh

— Bill Barnwell (@billbarnwell) September 24, 2017

That Barnwell tweet is all I need this season. Finally, a nickname for an utterly unworthy unit. The Half-Moon of Regret. Might not be as catchy as Legion of Boom, but I’m determined to make it stick.

— TV back on, Seahawks have the ball and trail 33-20 with 8:30 left. With just under 8:00 remaining, RW intentional grounding, 3rd and 29.

— KC still up 17-10. What the shit? Have they just been playing backgammon for the second half?

— Some good endings brewing: the Packers are in the two-minute drill down seven; Chargers down seven with the ball and four minutes remaining. The Seahawks have just scored to cut the lead to six, but need an onside kick for any realistic hope.

— Rivers sacked on third-and-10 by Justin Houston, and Kansas City easily recovers the onside kick. But hey! We still have excitement in Green Bay: first-and-goal for the Packers with 30 seconds.

— Jordy Nelson scores his second touchdown of the game. Big ups to Jordy for being questionable all week after last week’s zero-catch scratch. That way he could produce zero points for my fantasy team last week and make me gun-shy enough to bench him this week. THANKS FOR TWO KINDS OF NOTHING.

Green Bay kicks the PAT to go to overtime, even though Mike McCarthy ALWAYS loses the toss, then watches as the game ends without Aaron Rodgers ever touching the ball in OT. It’s so good to see a coach refuse to adapt or take chances or learn from his mistakes in any way. I think it’s great that he’s singe-handedly prevented the best quarterback of all time from winning more than one championship. Give him a lifetime contract, I say, so he can be mediocre forever.

Whatever, I’m all for Cincinnati-Green Bay going to overtime, because I always want more of any game called by Tony Romo. No one this new to a job should be THIS good at it.

Tony Romo is so good, I'm glad CBS finally gave Jim Nantz a broadcast partner who wasn't a talking block of marzipan

— BUM CHILLIPS (@edsbs) September 24, 2017

— The Packers, after losing the coin toss (of course) miraculously force the Bengals to punt. Facing third-and-10 from his own 22, Rodgers hits Geronimo Allison deep on a free play, because that’s what Aaron Rodgers does: murder you on free plays. Allison winds his way inside the Bengals 10-yard-line, and this one’s over.

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