#anyway. mind-body problem REAL and music is coming

[cathedralbells]

is mind-body problem still rockin

mind-body problem IS still rockin!!! i got home from a recording session at 12:30 on wednesday night and then had work the next morning ❤️

but yeah!! kind of insane that it's taken us so long (literally like 2 years at this point wtf) but our ep is almost done, we just have a few small things left to record and mix and then HOPEFULLY we can have it out by the end of this year! we'll probably make an announcement with a release date once we're officially done recording :33

[justagalwhowrites]

Yearling - Ch. 21: Holiday

You, Joel and Ellie celebrate Christmas in Jackson. A continuation of Yearling ch. 1-20 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Smut :D. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ Only 

Length: 7k 

AO3 | Chapter One | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

December 24, 2026

“They really didn’t make Christmas music with dancing in mind, did they?” 

Your head was on Joel’s shoulder, a pleasantly drunk haze falling over your mind and sinking into your limbs. You smiled at Tommy’s question, his arm around his wife’s shoulders. 

“No they did not,” you said, even though you knew the question was rhetorical. 

Half of Jackson was crowded into the Tipsy Bison. Christmas music was on the stereo, someone in the kitchen had made egg nog, the whole bar was draped in multi-colored Christmas lights casting everything in a a cheerful glow. 

You’d been in Jackson for more than a year now, something that was hard to believe. Last year at this time you’d spent all your spare time at home alone - except when Ellie all but broke down your door, anyway. You’d missed all this without even knowing that you’d missed it. 

Christmas hadn’t mattered much to you in years. The last real one you had before the world ended was really only special because you got to see your brothers again for the first time in months. The holiday itself hadn’t been what mattered. 

But you’d felt an odd sense of anticipation this time, something you hadn’t felt since you were a kid. Being around other people who remembered the time before - who knew what it had been like when there were things like Christmas tree lots and mall Santas - made it feel exciting in way the holiday hadn’t in years past, even when you were a teenager. 

It helped that Joel was recovered from the incident in August. He had returned to business as usual, going out on patrol with Tommy who had fully healed, too. But their first time out, you’d insisted on going, too. 

“You really don’t need to worry about it, Sweetheart,” Joel said. “It’s just a day long patrol, not goin’ anywhere rough. Gonna be fine.” 

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem with me going,” you shrugged. “Olivia can cover for me at the stables and I can cover you and Tommy’s asses.” 

Joel laughed a little and sighed. 

“Alright,” he kissed your temple. “If it’ll make you feel better, you can come out with us. This time.” 

It had been an easy day, unseasonably warm for October. The three of you went to a small town that was about a five hour ride from Jackson, a town that happened to have a record store.

“Oh shit!” You said, flipping through CDs on the dank and rotting shelves. “They have the White Stripes!” 

Joel frowned, looking over your shoulder. 

“Who’s that?” 

“I’ll play you something when we get back,” you said, turning the CD over to look at the track list. “They’re good and they have a girl drummer which automatically makes them even better. I was just thinking of them the other day, I think Ellie would like them…” 

Joel smiled. 

“Yeah,” he said. “She probably would.” 

You stashed the CD and a few others in your pack, saving them to give Ellie at Christmas. They were wrapped and under a tree in Joel’s living room now and you were more excited about watching her open them and listening to them with her for the first time than you were to open what had your name on it under the tree. 

“Think I can con you into a dance anyhow?” Joel asked, brushing your hairline with his nose. 

“You know,” you smiled. “Think I’m just drunk enough for it to work.” 

He took your hand and led you to the dance floor just as It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas came on the stereo. You smiled and draped your arms around Joel’s neck, your whole body pressed against the front of him, so different from the first time you’d danced with him. 

“You sure are pretty,” he smiled, swaying gently, his hands at your back. 

“You’re one to talk,” you replied, smiling too. 

“Sure you don’t need glasses?” He teased and you rolled your eyes before tucking your head against his chest and shoulder, your nose brushing his neck. 

“I’ve known you for a year now,” you said quietly after a minute of just moving gently with him. 

“That all?” Joel said. “Seems like I’ve always known you.” 

You smiled against him. 

“I think I would have gone looking for you sooner, if I knew you existed,” you said. “Just didn’t know any better.” 

Joel’s lips brushed your cheek. 

“Would have definitely gotten my ass out of Boston a few decades earlier,” he said. “Lot I would’ve done different, had I known better.” 

He held you a little tighter. 

“Is it bad that I think I’m lookin’ forward to the day after Christmas more than Christmas?” He asked. 

“What?” You laughed a little and pulled back from him enough to look at his face. “Why?” 

“Two days just you n’me,” he smiled. “I know it’s patrol but… feels almost like a camping trip or vacation. Getting out of town, ridin’ through snow covered forest, ski lodge waiting at the end? Can’t think of much better than that.” 

“Well when you put it that way,” you teased, tucking your head against him again. “But I get what you mean. Though I’m pretty excited for Christmas with Ellie. Haven’t had a real Christmas with trees and lights and shit with a kid in a long time. Almost feels like I should try to convince her Santa is real or something, just really make the whole experience happen for her.” 

“I’m just glad she’s speakin’ to me this Christmas,” Joel said, giving you a squeeze, his voice thick. “Got you to thank for that.” 

“She’d have come around eventually,” you said. “Kids… They’re smart. They see things, they know. She knows you love her. She’d understand it one day, even without my help.” 

“Startin’ to feel like all the good things I got I got because of you,” he said softly. 

You lifted your head to look him in the eye, his gaze gentle and deep, his eyes crinkling at the edges with his soft smile. 

“Well you’ve saved my life enough times,” you said. “Seems like it’s only fair. I couldn’t have anything without you. Don’t think I’d want it without you.” 

He pressed his forehead to yours, his eyes on your own and, for a moment, you were certain there was no one left inside the bar but him and you. 

He took you home after, walking slow through the falling snow with the first coat Joel had ever given you wrapped around you. You closed the curtains on the front window before plugging in the lights on the tree, just looking at it twinkling in the dark as you curled against Joel’s side on the couch. But before too long, you kissed him all soft and needy, his tongue dipping into your mouth. 

Joel undressed you gently and stretched you out beneath him on the couch. He covered your body with his, warm and hard as you rocked your hips against his length. He kissed you as he entered you, sinking into your tight heat until his body was flush with yours and he was buried within you. He pulled his lips away from you for a moment and your eyes met his, the lights reflected there as your heavy breaths matched his own. You reached up and traced the outline of him, your fingers brushing into his hair. You could feel his heartbeat in your own body, the life and warmth and vibrancy of him enveloping and consuming you. For a moment, you thought you might be able to know anything that crossed his mind, that he’d know anything that crossed your own. You were broken open and laid bare for him and all you wanted him to do was hold the pieces of you close and understand with a deep certainty how they fit together. You didn’t think you’d ever been this close to another person. You never wanted to be this close to someone who wasn’t Joel ever again. 

Everything in you was drawn tight and desperate, the heat of want threatening to swallow you whole and you were sure you were going to burst with it. 

“Joel,” you were almost squirming below him, needing the friction, needing more, eyes wide as you panted for breath. “Please…” 

“Please what?” He sounded almost as desperate as you. 

“Need you to move,” your eyes searched his. “Need to feel you, it’s too much, need…” 

“Shh,” he brushed your hair back, his palm lingering on the crown of your head. You were suddenly aware of everywhere he was, how he was everything. He was around you and inside you and over you, the thick weight of his cock filling every hollow space of you. He dropped his forehead to yours and closed his eyes for a moment, like he was concentrating before opening them again. His pupils were blown and he was looking at you as though you were the only thing left in the world. “I’ve got you, Baby. Gonna take such good care of you.” 

You just nodded against him and he pressed somehow deeper into you, his pubic bone pressing almost painfully against you before he pulled back, the slow drag of his hips making you moan as his the ridge of his head worked your channel. He pushed back into you firmly, tenderly, opening your body to him so he could reach parts of you that he seemed to have claimed for himself and you were happy to offer them. 

Like this with him you could understand why it was called making love. There was a sense that feeling him like this, experiencing him like this, had to exist somewhere outside of just yourself. It was too big to contain within yourself, what the two of you created when he brought you to your peak with an aching and heady rhythm. 

“You’re gettin’ close,” he panted, grinding his length deeper into you. You just nodded even though he hadn’t really asked. He knew. He didn’t need to ask. “Love feeling you like this. Want you to come for me, Baby. Want you to give in to it, want you to let go for me.” 

You nodded again, past the point of being able to form words. Your back arched, closing whatever minuscule gap there was between your bodies. Joel took your hand, lacing his fingers with your own before putting it over your head and pressing it down into the couch, pulling a strangled moan from you as he did. 

“Joel,” you managed. “Want… want to feel you…” 

“Just let go,” he whispered. “Give you everything you want if you just come for me, Baby. Just come for me…” He pressed deep and you felt the building tension in you crest and overflow, your channel fluttering over him, working his thick shaft as you came with a broken cry. 

“Oh there we go,” he held himself deep inside, dropping his head to your shoulder. “That’s it Baby, just keep coming, just keep…” 

He moaned and you felt him throb inside of you, felt the heat of his come as he filled you. His hand tightened on yours and you instinctively tilted your hips to make sure he was as deep within you as he could possibly be. 

You held each other like that for a while, Joel still buried inside you as his broad hand gently stroked your hair as you looked at him in the glow of the Christmas tree. 

He must have carried you to bed at some point, and you woke up tangled with him, your head on his chest and his hand splayed wide on your back. The light pouring through the window was bright, the morning sun reflecting on the fresh snow and making his bedroom light and crisp. You kissed his chest and he sighed contentedly. 

“Merry Christmas,” you smiled at him. 

Joel smiled back. 

“Ain’t you just the prettiest damn present.” 

You laughed a little. 

“Ellie say a time she was comin’ by?” Joel asked, hand sliding up your back to brush your cheek. “Or just that she was?” 

“Just sometime in the morning,” you said. “Why?”

“Thinkin’ I really want to fuck you into this mattress before makin’ you breakfast,” he said. “But don’t want to be interrupted…” 

As if on cue, you heard the bang of the front door against the wall downstairs. You laughed and pressed your face into Joel’s chest to muffle the sound. 

“Where are you guys?” Ellie yelled. “Being gross?”

“Down in a minute, Kiddo!” Joel yelled back as you pulled your face from his chest to look at him again. He held your face and pulled you in for kiss. 

“Later?” You asked quietly. 

Joel groaned. 

“Absolutely.” 

You got dressed quickly and found Ellie sitting on the floor by the tree, turning the paper-wrapped packages over and examining them. 

“Merry Christmas, Kiddo,” Joel smiled at her and she looked up from the gift in her hands. 

“Did people really used to believe a fat old man came down their chimney and left them shit?” 

You snorted and Joel laughed a little. 

“Generally just the kids,” he said. “Gimme a minute to make some coffee, then you can rip into everything.” 

You tucked yourself into a corner of the couch and smiled, watching Ellie rifle through the presents under the tree. It made your heart ache a bit to watch her. That she’d never had this as a girl hurt. That you hadn’t been able to do this in decades hurt, too. It felt like so much lost time, so many things that could have been better or different and they weren’t. So many things that you missed out on because you’d been holed up in the wilderness and hadn’t looked for a place like Jackson, hadn’t had the faith that a place like this could exist. 

You tried not to think about it, fought to focus on anything but what could have been if you’d just tried to find this place years ago.

Joel pressed a warm mug into your hands and sat next to you on the couch, putting his arm over your shoulders, tugging you against him and kissing the top of your head. You took a sip and smiled a little at the taste of whiskey. He’d spiked it.

“Alright Old Man,” Ellie said, picking up one of the packages she brought and holding it out for him. “This one is for you.” 

Ellie had made you each a charcoal drawing. Yours of Renaissance, Joel’s of you. Your eyes went a little wide at it. It’s not like you’d posed for her or anything, you hadn’t even noticed her doing it. It was strange to see yourself the way Ellie apparently did. You were pretty, the way she saw you, a softness in the drawing that you didn’t associate with yourself. 

“This is amazing, Baby Girl,” Joel said quietly. “Thank you.” 

“Figured I already drew you a horse,” she shrugged. “Thought you’d like something pretty to look at. And she’s got good taste, thought she’d want something better than your face on her wall.” 

Joel laughed before you could protest. 

“Got that right,” he said. 

Joel got Ellie a stash of art supplies that you knew he must have been tracking down for the better part of the year, watercolors and pencils and full sketchpads and you gave her the CDs and a few comic books you’d found that you thought she’d like. 

“Oh shit!” She yanked open the first comic. “Look at this guy, he’s got like… laser vision!” 

You laughed and pressed closer to Joel and he kissed the crown of your head before he leaned forward and picked up something from below the tree, handing it to you. 

You unwrapped it and opened the old shoe box. Inside was the carving of a horse, beautiful and intricate, delicate legs and a tail that looked like it was somehow in motion while being formed out of wood. 

“Joel,” you gasped, running your finger over the smooth surface. “It’s beautiful…” 

“Thought you needed somethin’ of your own in that house over there,” he said. “Or over here. When you want.” 

You looked over at him and smiled, tears stinging at your eyes, and you wrapped your arms around him. You stretched and got your gifts for Joel next before you ended up fully crying on Christmas morning. 

He opened the first one slowly and smiled at it, a holster you made from scrap leather for a knife he’d picked up the last time you were on patrol together. 

“You act like you can’t do shit like this and then you make somethin’ great,” he smiled at you, running his thumb over where you’d burned his initials into the sheath just like you had with the guitar strap. 

“Tell me that after it holds up for a few patrols,” you said, face getting hot. You took a sip of coffee. 

He opened the next one as you gnawed on your lower lip. It was just a little box and he tugged the top off of it, revealing a slender chain with a piece of metal as a charm. He frowned, running his thumb over it. 

“I made it from part of the bullet they pulled out of your leg,” you said, looking over his shoulder as he turned it in his palm. You’d cut “E + B” into one side of it. “Thought you should have a reminder that you’ve got people waiting for you. Next time you’re out for a few days.” 

He took a shaky breath and kissed you tenderly, deeply, before putting it on, looking at it in his palm. 

“I love it, Baby,” he said softly. 

“Look at Bambi, being all sentimental,” Ellie teased from her spot on the floor, already using one of the new sketchpads from Joel. You glared at her, trying not to smile, and she laughed. 

“One more,” you said before pressing your nose into Joel’s shoulder. For some reason, this made you anxious. Like the gifts were leaving you exposed. You dug your nails into your thigh to keep your leg from bouncing too much. 

Joel unwrapped the cassette tape, looking at the label. 

“Daylight,” he read from the tag. You’d tried to write it out in your best handwriting, the kind you hadn’t used in years but that your mother had drilled into you. “Don’t think I know this artist, who’s…” 

You cut him off before he could read the name aloud. 

First, middle, last. 

“You do,” you said. “That’s… that’s me.” 

His head whipped around to look at you, his eyes a little wide. 

“I wrote it,” you nodded at the tape. ���The quality is questionable - it’s just from an old audio recorder from my house - and I’ll play it for you if you want. But… Anyway, I wrote it for you and… well, felt like I should put my real name on it. No one’s really known it in a while but I wanted you to.” 

“Baby…” he breathed, looking back at the tape. “This…” 

“You can keep calling me Bambi,” you smiled a little. “Everyone else does. Which is still your fault, by the way.” 

He laughed. 

“This is amazing,” he said. “You’re amazing, I…” 

“I’m going to need you guys to not be gross when I’m in the room,” Ellie groaned dramatically. 

“Don’t worry, Kiddo,” Joel said. “Think we can keep it under control. Got a few more here…” 

He picked up a small package and handed it to you. 

You opened it, a CD inside, one you didn’t know. You looked at the back, frowning, only to find that it was an album of accompaniment tracks for violin. 

“Oh, cool!” You said, looking over the track list. “I could definitely adapt these parts for guitar and…” 

“Well, didn’t say you’d need to do that,” Joel said, clapping his hands on his knees before getting up. “Just a sec…” 

Joel left and you frowned to Ellie, who just shrugged, her pencil frozen over the paper. He returned just a minute later, a violin in one hand and something you didn’t recognize in the other. 

“Wasn’t sure how to wrap either of these so…” 

You practically jumped off the couch, eyes wide, and took the instrument from him, holding it reverently. 

“Where did you find this?” You asked, looking over the body. It looked to be in amazing condition. 

Joel smiled. 

“Been on the look out for one since you told me what instruments you played,” he said. “Got a bow and extra strings too, should be set for a bit.” 

You threw the arm that wasn’t holding the violin around his neck and he laughed before giving you a squeeze. When you pulled away from him, he turned to Ellie. 

“And this is for you,” he said, unfolding the bundle in his hand. Ellie got up, frowning at it for a second but watching as he did. “Figured since you’re gettin’ real good at your art, you should have all the tools…” 

He finished putting it all together and set it down, an easel that was the perfect size for the largest sketchpad that Joel had gotten her. 

“Oh shit!” Her face lit up. “This is like… real artist stuff!” 

“Well yeah,” Joel shrugged, crossing his arms. “You’re a real artist, Kiddo. Need real artist stuff.” 

Ellie practically hurled herself at him and he laughed, catching her out of the air. You smiled, watching them. They had become so much more like what you imagined them to have been before Ellie learned the truth about the hospital. It had taken a few months to get them there and you learned that giving them projects to work on together seemed to be the best way to move them along. 

You started with shoeing the horses and quickly pinned down Tommy to come up with some more ideas for ways to get them progressing toward a common goal. They worked with him to build a new, larger pen for some of the livestock. You ended up concocting busy work that didn’t seem like busy work every other week or so until you noticed Ellie coming by the house of her own accord and Joel spending more than a few perfunctory minutes when he went to the outbuilding she called home. Every now and then, you still saw signs of Ellie being introspective. Sometimes she would go quiet, glancing at Joel with her brows drawn together and her eyes dark. But it was so much better than it was and you could clearly see the people they had become to each other as they survived crossing the United States.

The two of them were doing better than you’d ever really seen them by Christmas. You weren’t sure if it was the holiday or they had always been building to this point, but there was no sign of the tension that had been there as long as you’d known them both. It was hard to believe that the Ellie who was color swatching her new pencils and excitedly telling Joel about things like the saturation of the pigment was the same Ellie who had come over to your house, upset that you and Joel were together. 

She left to exchange gifts with friends in the afternoon and you passed the time playing guitar with Joel while watching the snow drift down outside before holding each other on the couch, stretched out long and pressed close, something that earned you both an “Ugh I thought you were supposed to be adults, show some self control” when Ellie came back a few hours later. 

After dinner with Tommy, Maria, William and the rest of Jackson, Ellie went home and Joel tried to put the cassette you’d made him in the boombox in his room but you begged him not to. 

“Why not?” He frowned. “I’m excited to hear it…” 

“I’ll make you a deal,” you said, putting your arms around his waist. “I will let you fuck me if you wait until I am not within earshot to listen to that. I can’t stand hearing my own stuff, makes me want to crawl out of my skin.” 

Joel smiled and shook his head a little. 

“You were gonna let me fuck you, anyway.” 

“Moot point.” 

He kissed you gently. 

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll wait until you go home tomorrow to get your stuff for patrol. Think I’ve got the self control to hold off ’til then…” 

You laughed and kissed him again, his hands growing eager against you. You rode him, your hands spread wide on his chest, memorizing the way the moonlight reflecting on the snow cast the shadows over his face, coming around him with a whimpering moan. As you fell asleep on his chest, his softening length still inside you as he held you close, you felt more at home than you had since you’d fled the home you’d made after the outbreak. 

“I love you, Joel,” you said softly. You weren’t sure he was conscious enough to hear you but he held you a little tighter all the same. 

***

Joel had always loved the outdoors but there was something about being in the woods after it snowed that was damn near magic. 

It was like that now, out with you the day after Christmas. The snow hung heavy on the trees, boughs drooping toward the earth like they were covered in frosting, the crystalline layer catching the light and sending it shattering off the tree trunks.

The almost blinding light caught your eyes and hair and the snowflakes did, too, making you look like some otherworldly being. One that he should know better than to try to touch but was too selfish not to. 

He’d listened to the tape when you left to head to your place to gather your things for patrol that morning. He just held the cassette for a moment, eyes tracing over the graceful lettering that spelled the title and your name. 

You’d given him your name. You had told him why you didn’t like to share it, why you hadn’t shared it with anyone but the doctor here in decades. There was a power in it. So much of what you had and who you were had been weaponized against you since the outbreak. It made sense that you’d keep something close and for yourself and yourself alone. And he’d been content with that. He had more of you than he deserved, he wasn’t about to go and ask for more. 

But you’d given him your name. First, middle, last. Because you wanted him to have that part of you, too.

He said it out loud to himself, testing the words on his tongue, picturing you as he did, tying the person he knew to the name that belonged to you. 

Joel put the tape in the stereo and pressed play, turning the volume down a little. Just in case someone was walking by outside. He didn’t want to share this with them in any way. This was just for him. 

There was a few seconds of crackling almost silence before you spoke, the sound clearer than he’d really expected it to be. 

“Hey Joel,” your voice sounded close and almost nervous. He smiled at that, that you’d be nervous playing for him even after all this time. “I’ve kind of been wishing I was better with words since I’ve known you. I’m not exactly a poet so it’s kind of hard for me to say what you mean to me. But… well, I do know music. This doesn’t quite say it right, either, but it does a better job than I could on my own. I love you, Joel. So much.” 

He listened close, could hear the quiet sound of your breaths and the sound of you adjusting the guitar in your arms before you started playing. 

The music made Joel’s heart ache, so beautiful it almost hurt to listen to it. It was slow and gentle and intricate and longing, made him think of what it was to look at you and feel you and have you consume so much of who he was because he wanted you to, didn’t want himself without you.

When the song ended, the final chord hanging on the air, there was a pinch of tears at the back of his throat. He sniffed and tried to blink them back as there was a rustling on the recording and he could picture you adjusting your guitar. 

“I hope you liked it,” you laughed a little. “And I hope it makes sense. Hope you know how much I love you. Because I do. Always will.” 

The tape ended and Joel rewound it, collecting himself before listening to it again. 

You were already at the stables when Joel got there, strapping your things to Renaissance’s side and humming to yourself. Joel didn’t say anything, wasn’t sure he’d really be able to speak past the lump in his throat. Instead, he went to you and you frowned when you saw him. 

“Everything OK?” You asked. He grabbed you roughly and pulled you into his chest, kissing the crown of your head and clutching you close. You paused a moment before wrapping your arms around his waist and giving him a squeeze. “Joel?” 

“Love you,” he managed, not willing to let you go quite yet. 

“Love you too,” you pulled back from him to look at him and laughed a little. “You alright?” 

He kissed your forehead. 

“Got you,” he said. “I’m great.” 

The patrol had been quiet, just like Joel thought it would be. He hadn’t gone out with just you since snow started falling and he was ready for the kinds of patrols that came with winter. Last patrol with you had been in late October and the two of you had been caught up in a hoard of infected that was making its way south, migrating to survive the winter. You’d gotten pinned down at one point, Joel damn near panicking at the sight of it. He was able to get to you and knock the infected away, giving you enough space to raise your gun and fire. You’d made it out unscathed but with a lesson learned. 

“Need shit I can use at close range,” you’d panted, dusting yourself off. “Baseball bat. Axe, maybe. Knife isn’t enough.” 

Joel had found you an axe the second the two of you were back to Jackson and it was strapped to the side of your horse where you could easily free it to swing at anything headed your way. 

But he didn’t think you’d need it today. This point in the season, the raiders were holed up to ride out the weather, not wanting to risk exposure by roaming much. Infected - with a few exceptions - had all fled the cold. These patrols were mostly to make sure anyone watching knew that Jackson was going to protect and maintain its territory, even when there wasn’t much to protect against. 

The forest was quiet, you riding alongside Joel when the trail was wide enough to allow for it. You just looked around at the trees, enjoying nature for what it was, Joel taking advantage of the quiet to watch you do it. He’d be happy to watch you do just about anything. 

“Almost like the end of the world never happened when you’re out here,” you said quietly, looking up at the snow-coated branches. “Like it’s a whole other world.” 

The two of you saw no signs of anyone else when you made it to the lodge for the night, twilight on the horizon because days were short and nights were long this time of year. You settled the horses while Joel got a fire going in the fireplace inside. He set out your sleeping bags in front of the stone hearth, the setting sun casting the snow in shades of pink and orange from the wall of windows beyond. He pulled a small pot out of his bag and put some leftovers from the Christmas dinner the night before he’d managed to snag before they all got snapped up, turkey and stuffing and gravy warming as you came in from taking care of the horses. 

“That smells incredible,” you said, putting your arms around Joel’s neck and pressing your body close. You were in his coat and his shirt, wrapping yourself up in him and he loved it, relished that he was what made you feel safe. 

“Can’t take much credit,” he said, kissing you gently. “Just swiped it.” 

“More than I managed,” you tangled your fingers in his hair, your soft gaze holding his. He sometimes thought the entire universe was contained in your eyes, like if he looked into them for long enough he’d find the answers to everything he’d ever questioned, the fulfillment of everything he’d ever longed for. “This was nice. Should talk them into letting me out of the stables more.” 

“Won’t catch me arguin’,” he smiled, nuzzling against your cheek. “Not sure I can promise the more gourmet dinner options the rest of the year, though.” 

You laughed and kissed him, soft and sweet, tongue dipping into his mouth. 

“Think we’d be just fine with jerky,” you said, voice breathy. 

He smiled back. 

“Think so, too.” 

You ate dinner close together, you tucked against his side. After, the two of you took turns playing guitar and singing, sticking close to the fire as it grew dark outside. Eventually, Joel set the guitar aside and took your face in his hands, kissing you deeply before smiling against your lips.

“What?” You teased. 

“First kissed you up here,” he said. “Worried I wasn’t ever gonna get to again. Now I can kiss you whenever I want.” 

“And it’s somehow not enough for me,” you kissed him again and he pulled you onto his lap before he undressed you slowly. You unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it down his arms until his skin was warm against your bare chest. You pressed yourself close and tight to him, rocking your clothed core over his hardening length. 

“Want you,” you were damn near panting. 

“Past wantin’ you,” he pulled you somehow closer. “Been far past it all day. Since I listened to your tape.” 

You pulled back from him a little and he took advantage of the distance to look at your bared skin. 

“You heard it?” You asked quietly. He nodded. “Did… did you like it?” 

“Oh, Baby,” he cupped your cheek. “I loved it.” 

You smiled and kissed him again and he held you close before maneuvering you onto your back on top of the sleeping bags, the heat from the fire warm on his skin. He tugged your jeans and panties off, casting them aside before removing his own. He ran his hands over your thighs, the softness of your skin in sharp contrast to the roughness of his own. His fingers reached your slit, all damp heat as he traced over you to your clit. You moaned, rocking your hips against him. He watched the muscle of your thighs tighten and shift and he took your ankle in his large hand, moving your foot to his shoulder so he could trail his lips over the supple flesh of the inside of your leg. He took his hand from your leg to grip his hardening cock as he toyed with your pussy as your back arched below him. He brushed his head against your swollen sex and all he could think about was opening you up to him, burying himself inside you until he couldn’t separate himself from you anymore. 

His eyes traced over you, your pupils blown, your chest heaving as you panted for breath. 

He lined himself up with your tight, grasping hole and lowered himself over you, his chest on yours, his lips inches from your own. He sank into you slowly, watched as his making space for himself inside you came over you, your eyes rolling back every so slightly before closing, the delicate moans from your parted lips. He breathed your name — your real name - as he reached the very end of you and you gasped, eyes opening to search his. 

“Joel,” you whispered. He kissed you softly, sheathed within you. “Call me that again. Want… want to hear you say my name.” 

He obeyed, pressing impossibly deeper before pulling out, slow but firm, before opening you up to him again, your name on his tongue as he did. Joel worked your body slow and steady, his orgasm building slowly alongside yours, your name falling from his lips again and again like a prayer in the night until your fluttering core made him spill into you. 

Neither of you bothered putting clothes on before climbing into one sleeping bag, your bodies close and warm. He watched you sleep in his arms by the dying firelight and he wasn’t ready to let you go when you both woke up in the morning. 

The warm glow of you left him optimistic as the two of you got underway again. It didn’t seem like anything could happen when he was with you like this. Like the two of you existed in a separate reality where people didn’t get hurt, where the evils of people couldn’t exist. 

“Joel?” You said, a few hours into the journey on the return trail. He stopped his horse alongside yours and you nodded into the woods, a good 10 feet off the trail. It looked like a large animal had been making its way through the snow before turning around. 

“Could be an elk or somethin’,” he said. “Might not be a horse…” 

You didn’t respond. You just dismounted, grabbing your axe and patting Renaissance’s neck as you picked your way through the snow and the brush to the point off the trail. Joel sighed but followed you, catching up to you just as you froze, staring down at the snow. There were distinct signs that there was a person with the animal and Joel sighed before he realized exactly what you were staring at. Just the start of a footprint in the snow, it didn’t have the chance to sink low to the ground like they’d been stopped. Just shallow enough to easily make out the size of the foot. It was small, too small to belong to a grown man. It was either a child - maybe a teenager - or a small woman. 

“Bambi…” he said cautiously, but you ignored him, turning on your heel, hooking your axe into its place on your saddle and mounting Renaissance. 

“Those tracks are relatively fresh,” you said. “It was snowing until after midnight and they’re not covered.” 

“We should go back and…” 

“No,” you said sharply. “Then it might be too late. We have to try. Joel, please…” 

He met your gaze, your eyes wide and desperate. 

“Please,” you whispered. 

He sighed but climbed back on his horse. 

“Somethin’ goes bad,” he said. “You get back to Jackson, get help. Understand?” 

You nodded and Joel led the way, trying to move as quickly as he could through the woods and the snow. 

After going almost two hours out of the way, the two of you stumbled upon what had clearly been a campsite not all that long ago. There were signs of at least a dozen or so men, the campfires no longer warm but not snow-covered either. 

You got off Renaissance again and started going around the area but Joel wasn’t sure what you were looking for. He dismounted, anyway, following close behind you as you picked through the signs of life that were here. Eventually, you whistled, something almost like a bird call but slightly off before going quiet. 

“Bambi…” 

“Shh.” 

He obeyed and you gave another whistle the same way, holding your hand out to signal him to stay quiet. There was no response. 

You visibly deflated before turning and pressing your face to Joel’s chest. He put his arms around you and held you gentle and close, feeling your warmth against him. 

“You’re OK Love,” he said softly. 

“Not me I’m worried about,” you sniffed, voice thick. 

“I know,” he held you closer. “I know… I know you want to help people who are hurtin’ like you. But you can’t save everyone, Baby, you just can’t.” 

You were silent and he just held you close. 

“We’ll head back,” he said quietly. “Report it. Send a team out with enough guns and men to handle a group of this size, see what we can’t find.” 

You nodded against him, clutching him close. 

“We wouldn’t have been able to help ‘em,” he whispered. “There were too many of them, would have gotten us both killed. Better this way. They’ll have a chance now.” 

You pulled away from him and dried your eyes. 

“Should get back,” you said, tone serious. “Sooner we’re back to Jackson, sooner we can send help.” 

“C’mon,” he put his arm around your shoulders and guided you back to the horses, turning to look back the way the two of you had come. 

He stopped in his tracks. 

Just like the sign you’d spotted months before, freshly carved into the trunks of the trees, were two large Xes, like they were waiting for him. 

What scared him more was the thought that they might be waiting for you.

Next Chapter

A/N: Yay, soft Jackson Christmas!

...other stuff is happening too.

Really really really soon.

BUT I LOVE YOU!!!

Thank you so much for reading and for being here. I'm seriously so excited to share what's coming next, I hope you're excited to see what happens, too. All your kindness and support means the world, just thank you thank you thank you. Love you all!

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[persephoneprice]

lily, please elaborate on your clemmie and lyssie post 😔🙏🏽

i know i did this to myself but i’m actually nervous to write this out because i don’t think anyone is going to agree with me but here i go!

before i start- i do want to clarify that i love both characters and this is in no way me hating on clemmie or implying that lysistrata is perfect! clemmie is miles ahead in terms of being caring versus her peers.

however, i do not see clemensia as a truly good, kind person. (again, this is all my personal interpretation and i could be way off!)

a few things stick out to me about clemensia that make me feel this way (pre-snake bite, obviously! def unfair to hold post snake-bite against her).

the first example is when they are discussing how to force people to watch the games.

clemensia says-

“The real problem is, it’s sickening to watch”

lysistrata says-

“Most of us don’t want to watch other people suffer.”

to me, i see this as lysistrata acknowledging and putting focus on the children suffering- where clemmie focuses mainly on how it makes her feel to watch.

clemensia also talks about her first meeting with reaper-

“Mine wouldn’t speak. Not a word”

not horrible by any means- but it still feels lacking in empathy (and not great that she referred to reaper as ‘hers’).

another example that comes to mind is when clemmie and coriolanus are discussing the games after arachne death and she says this-

“Yes, or make them Avoxes, or something,” said Clemensia. “It’s awful, but not as bad as the arena. I mean, I’d rather be alive without a tongue than dead, wouldn’t you?”

this isn’t a bad thing necessarily! but to me, i see it as misguided and failing to actually put herself in the shoes of these children and sort of failing to have genuine empathy.

another example is regarding iphigenia-

“Clemensia had once told Coriolanus it was the only revenge she could take on her father, but refused to give any more details.”

again, miles ahead of most of her peers because she refused to elaborate further but i believe that exposing that to coriolanus at all was a deeply unkind thing to do.

and then here are some examples where i see lysistrata displaying kindness (though i’m aware that it may be unfair to bring up things lysistrata did during the games bc clem didn’t get the same chance to bond with reaper!)

she makes the effort to help jessup even before he protects her in the bombing-

she’d apparently been working hard to connect with Jessup “I brought you some cream for your neck,”

she is grateful to jessup after he protects her instead of just assuming that her life is worth more. she’s also willing to speak out and tell everyone this despite knowing how people view district citizens.

“She’s going around saying that big, ugly boy from District Twelve protected her by throwing his body over her, but who knows? The Vickers family loves the spotlight.”

it’s also worth noting that coriolanus follows this up by saying he’s never seen a vickers trying to claim the spotlight.

she also says this-

“And who wouldn’t rather be the victor than the defeated?”

“I don’t know that I have much interest in being either,” said Lysistrata.”

which i think is very decent considering she lived through the war just as much as her classmates.

she displays empathy and understanding for dill & reaper when her classmates do not-

“Isn’t he the one who promised to kill all the others?” asked Pup.

“Doesn’t look so tough to me,” said Urban.”

“She’s his district partner,” said Lysistrata. “And she’s almost dead now. Tuberculosis, probably.”

she’s also quick to call out her classmates during the games-

“Like musical chairs,” said Domitia with a pleased look.

“But with people dying,” said Lysistrata.”

when jessup has rabies and is chasing lucy gray-

“If Jessup can’t win, I want Lucy Gray to. That’s what he’d want. And she can’t win if he kills her,” she said. “Which might happen anyway.”

to me, this shows that she has been able to empathize and understand who jessup is as a person.

also while other classmates display anger or frustration at losing the prize she says this-

“Coriolanus could barely hear Lysistrata whisper, “Oh, don’t let him die alone.”

because she cares about jessup. she also sends food to lucy gray directly after that.

and of course there’s this interaction which i think speaks for itself-

“I do.” She took a deep breath. “What I’d like people to know about Jessup is that he was a good person. He threw his body over mine to protect me when the bombs started going off in the arena. It wasn’t even conscious. He did it reflexively. That’s who he was at heart. A protector. I don’t think he would’ve ever won the Games, because he’d have died trying to protect Lucy Gray.”

“Oh, like a dog or something.” Lepidus nodded. “A really good one.”

“No, not like a dog. Like a human being,” said Lysistrata.”

but the fact that she firmly and openly asserted his humanity in front of the entire capitol essentially is massive to me.

and of course there’s the fact that she had been nice to sejanus-

“Snow had invited Festus and Lysistrata to join the party, as they’d liked Sejanus better than most of his classmates and could be counted on to say nice things.”

of course this is all rambling that doesn’t actually answer the question but i feel like it was important to try to explain why i saw them as slightly different.

essentially i think my thoughts on kind vs nice can be summed up by this quote-

Niceness, then, is often expressed through words or gestures, while kindness is often expressed through acts.

and lysistrata proved repeatedly that she is willing to act by speaking up consistently despite how taboo it is in the capitol. whereas i don’t view clemensia as someone who would be as willing to directly assert a district citizens humanity so publicly (again, my own personal interpretation.).

because of this- i believe lysistrata is a lot more likely to get herself in trouble quicker by opening her mouth and sticking up for the district citizens, especially after this experience. whereas i do not think clemensia would be as likely to risk her safety to do so.

[devastator1775]

Uzi's quest for N's birthday gift

Summary: Nix Doorman AU. After finding out that N and the other Disassembly Drones don't have a birthday, Uzi decides that at least she can give him a birthday gift anyway. Shouldn't be a problem. There's no-one who knows N better than her. How hard could it be, right?

Prompt by @gravityglitch-blog: Not sure of how Drones regard the concept of birthdays, but maybe Uzi makes one for N since he can’t remember his original? Or N gives Uzi a gift on her birthday, if Workers keep track? You absolutely don’t have to do anything with this, it’s just what popped into my head first

Uzi let out a long, frustrated groan as she crossed out another item on her notepad. She had been at it for a few hours now and she wasn’t getting anywhere with ideas. Why was this so difficult? She tapped her pen on the subject at the top of the list.

Birthday present for N, because I am an awesome girlfriend. >:3

“’Awesome girlfriend’ …right.” Uzi muttered to herself. Part of her was really mad at herself for coming up with the idea. “I can’t even come up with an awesome present for my boyfriend who does anything and everything for me.”

Another part of herself was mad at her for being mad at herself for this. “But you are doing this for N, so he can feel special as well, so this will all be worth it.”

And then there was the self-doubting, angsty teenager side of her – that she really thought she had overcome ever since dealing with eldritch being, powers, dead moms that weren’t dead after all, ect, ect… “But what if he hates what I’m potentially giving him?”

And, of course, the zealous overachiever. “No, he’s not going to hate it because it’s going to be the most awesome present given by his awesome girlfriend.”

The girlfriend part of her made her giggle. “He’s totally gonna make out with me where I stand. And I’m gonna be like ‘N, no, don’t do that. That’s embarrassing!’, but I’m gonna let him….”

She looked down at her list. “But first I need to figure this out…” She had gone through this routine a few times over the last few days. Quite the vicious circle she’d gotten herself in.

With a heavy sigh, she went through her memory banks and opened the recording of the event that had led to her current enforced labor.

UziBirthday_TalkWithNVLizzy.mp4

She smiled as the video popped up. Her birthday was a few days ago, and unbeknownst to her, N had managed to round up V and Lizzy to help organize a surprise party for her. Even more surprising, people had actually shown up …with presents …and were having a good time. Thing sure had changed after she ‘helped stop the End Times’. Sure, everyone was told a rather …embellished version of her involvement, because they felt that the real truth would …be rather hard to believe.

She shook the thought from her mind and played the memory.

Music and the chatter of people filled the room Lizzy had managed to occupy for the party. She and N were standing by the snack table with Lizzy and V, with the former sitting comfortably on the latter’s lap, taking advantage of her girlfriend’s wheelchair-bound status. There were taking sips from a bottle of gasoline from Lizzy’s father’s private supply she had smuggled with her. There was a warm tingly sensation all of her body – nothing to do with the glass of gasoline – as N wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She leaned into N, laughing at a joke Lizzy had made at V’s expense. Judging by the small smile that tugged at the corner of her lips, she wasn’t really bothered by it.

“Stop laughing.” V warned.

Feeling bolstered by spirits, both alcoholic and emotional, Uzi let out an amused scoff. “It’s a little funny.” she said, giggling as V threw her a disgruntled look. “I wish I was there to see you struggling to say anything.”

“I was put on the spot.” V explained herself. “It’s not like I prepared something for when I was named prom queen.”

“You prepared to slaughter us all.” Lizzy countered. “Which you used me to do.”

“And you used me to let Doll kill me.”

“Aww, I’m sorry.”

“Ugh, you’re forgiven.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet.” N cooed.

“Shut up, loser.” Both V and Lizzy replied in unison, although the smirk and glint in their eyes betrayed the friendliness behind their jab. N just chuckled, having – finally – figured out the signs that showed the difference between those two being serious or playful in their threats.

V shoved Lizzy, who had been sitting way to comfortably on the former’s lap, off her. “Hey, wheel me over to Thad, I want to laugh with his ridiculous hat.”

“Use your crutches, lazy bolts.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Then you’ll stay right here.”

“Fine, I’ll ask someone else, then.” She turned her wheelchair over towards another group of people. “Maybe Chelsea, whom I heard totally has a crush on me, will be- “

Uzi snickered as Lizzy promptly grabbed the handles of V’s wheelchair and started to haul her away from the group. She could overhear the latter mutter something about her ‘being the only one that’s allowed to do that’, which made her giggle. Despite everything. Uzi was happy for her former-enemy-turned-frenemy-turned-friend. She knew that V had been struggling to adjust to her new condition. And despite the brave face, Uzi knew that V still had ways to go before she’d be completely there.

“You know, sometimes those two seem more like rivals than girlfriends.” N remarked, taking a slip of his glass of gasoline. The face he pulled made Uzi giggle, and she quickly took the glass of liquor out of his grip and replaced it with a bottle of oilnade. The way he beamed at her made mechanical butterflies flutter in her stomach.

“Well, if they drink any more of this stuff, I wouldn’t be surprised they’d start serenading each other in front of everybody.” Uzi replied, swirling the gasoline around in her glass. A giggle bubbled up from deep inside her. Maybe she’d better slow down with the stuff as well.

“So …you enjoying your party?” N asked, rubbing the back of his head.

“Surprisingly, yes.” She replied sincerely, looking up at her boyfriend with a bright smile. “I mean, it’s a bit …crowded for my liking, but …yeah, I’m having a great time.” She stood on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on N’s cheek. “Thank you for doing this, N.”

“You deserve this, Uzi.”

Robo-God, that smile of his could make her melt. She managed to wipe her goofy, lovestruck smile of her face and cleared her throat, trying to get some of that ‘edgy loner coolness’ back, leaning casually against N. “So …when is your birthday? Like, for no reason. It’s not that I want to organize a party for you too, hehe…”

“Oh, I don’t have one.”

Uzi chuckled. “C’mon, be serious.”

“Seriously, I don’t have a birthday.”

Uzi almost dropped her glass. It was like something fell in the pit of her stomach. “You …don’t?” She asked. She pointed over to where Lizzy had brought V. “How about…?”

“Nope.” N smiled, oblivious to the shock in Uzi’s expression.

“You don’t celebrate the day you were activated?”

N rubbed the back of his head. “Well, I don’t have any memories from my life before I got rebooted and Tessa saved me from the dumpster.” He explained. “And my time with Tessa is still fuzzy. And then there are the numerous times I regenerated from normally fatal injuries, so there isn’t really a date I can pick, y’know.”

“But- “

At that point, their conversation got interrupted when the commotion of V launching herself at someone who had made a rude comment compelled them to separate the fighting Drones. Uzi sighed as she paused the memory and returned back to her regular vision. While they hadn’t picked up the conversation after that, it really had stuck with her. N was an incredible Drone, a wonderful friend and an amazing boyfriend. Someone as sweet, loyal, kind – Uzi made a mental node she’d write down all the positive traits of N someday – as N deserved a birthday. A special day where it was all about him, with people celebrating that you are here.

Uzi never really had that until the party a few days ago, so she knew how special such an event could feel. N deserved it, and even if there wasn’t a day where they could celebrate his birthday, that didn’t mean that he couldn’t get a present. And that’s why Uzi had secluded herself to the floor of this ruined skyscraper: to think and decide on a present for N. New determination steeled her spirit and she looked at her list …only to feel her confidence falter again. The entire page was filled with ideas and all of them had been crossed out.

A puppy? Bad idea. Poison air’s gonna kill the thing.

Book about puppies? Boring.

Golden Retriever plushy? He’s not a kid.

A bottle of gasoline? N doesn’t like to drink heavy stuff.

New coat? Lame!

Coloring book? AGAIN, HE’S NOT A KID, UZI!

A picnic? Romantic, but not original enough.

A saucy picture of myself? NO, NOT GONNA DO THAT!

Uzi let out a frustrated yell and fell backwards, staring at the decrepit ceiling. She felt tears form on her screen. She felt like such a failure of a girlfriend right now. She knew N better than anyone and she couldn’t even come up with the perfect gift for him?

“’Awesome girlfriend’, my rear plate!” She threw the notepad out of a window and pulled her knees up to her chest to sulk. A shadow passed the window, making her look up in surprise. A moment later, she heard something land on the roof, followed by footsteps that clearly were coming closer to the room she was hiding in.

“Oh no… not now…” She mumbled with hollowed eyes on her screen.

The door creaked open, and to her dismay, it was N that peeked inside.

“Hey, there you are! I was looking for you.” N greeted her as he stepped in the room. He held the notepad in his hand. “This yours? It landed on my noggin as I was flying past.”

“Uh, yeah, it’s mine…give it back.” Uzi rambled, holding out her hand.

N cocked his head, raising a digital eyebrow. “Is everything okay, Uzi?”

“Sure, sure, why wouldn’t it be?”

“You are digi-sweating a lot.”

“Hormones!” Uzi blurted out, instantly regretting the waterfall of excuses that came out of her mouth. “I’m on my robo-period.”

N wasn’t buying it. “Uzi, are you avoiding me?”

“Pfff, what?” Uzi waved away his comment. “Naaaah….”

“Sure feels like it.” N commented, and the sad expression in his eyes made Uzi hate herself that she was making him feel like that. “Uzi, I know you’ve been busy with school and it’s healthy in a relationship to spend time apart and such, but normally you text me non-stop about your day or you come over to my home, things like that. And you haven’t been doing that lately. It makes me …miss you.”

“N…”

“And today, when I came over to your house, you dad told me you were out here and you were ‘looking glum’ and I find you here in this …rather unsafe building, throwing a notepad on my …hang on, what’s on here?”

Uzi felt a panic rise up and she scrambled up to run up to him. “Girl stuff! Give it back.” She jumped up to grab the pad, but due to her accursed short physique, she was unable to take it out of his hands.

N remained silent as he looked at the notepad, eventually looking up at Uzi with a puzzled expression. “Uzi, will you please tell me what this is about?”

“Nothing!” Uzi liberated the notepad from N’s grasp and turned away from him, clutching the item close to her chest. “Forget what you saw.”

“Uzi…”

“It’s dumb! It’s stupid. Not worth your time!” Uzi squeezed her eyes shut, self-loathing bubbling up from a dark place she thought she had overcome. She took in shaky breaths, trying to keep tears from falling down her visor. Uzi flinched as she suddenly felt a pair of hands fall gently on her shoulders.

“Uzi, remember back when we went looking in that ruined warehouse?” N began, his voice soft and patient. She could practically hear that little smile on his lips, feel that soft expression in his eyes. “And I had that …little accident?”

“You mean: you overheated and attacked me because you hadn’t been telling me you hadn’t been able to drink enough oil to cool yourself down?” Uzi guessed. The memory flashed before her eyes. It happened not too long after the events of prom and she had been desperate for answers. She had been taking N to the furthest reaches of the city for long times and he hadn’t been able to consume oil. He had overheated and his system made him automatically attacked her. He had managed to stop himself, but he almost managed to bring himself permanently offline in the process. She luckily had been able to feed him enough oil to wake him up. He still needed some of her oil, so she had permitted him to bite her …and she vehemently denied she kinda enjoyed the experience because he was so gentle with her.

“Yeah, that’s the one.” N squeezed her shoulders softly. “Remember what we promised each other then?”

Uzi remained silent for a few moments, before eventually letting out a heavy sigh. “We’d tell each when something was wrong. No more secrets between us.”

N hummed agreeably. “And I’ve been keeping up my part of the promise.” He slowly turned her around, so she was facing him. He cupped her chin and made her look up, smiling softly at her. “Will you?”

And there was the melting feeling again that his smile always gave her. A ghost of a smile tugged at the corner of her lips. She took hold of N’s hands and placed them on her cheeks, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the warmth that they gave off. She eventually nodded, taking a deep breath.

“Okay…. but I’m telling you, it’s dumb.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

“I, eh …it’s…” Uzi took another deep breath. “At the party, you told me you didn’t have a birthday, and I was, like, ‘nah, a great guy like N deserves a special day’, but I can’t just pick a day and decide it’s your birthday, right?”

She didn’t wait for N to answer. The frustration that had been building up the last few days needed to be vented out. “So, I figured that I still could give you a present, because it’s a nice thing to get, you know. And I thought it would be easy because who knows you better than me? So, I made a list with ideas, but nothing I’ve come up with is good enough for you and why did I ever think that I could do this because I am such a failure of a girlfriend, and- “

Uzi got the air knocked out of her as N pulled her into a hug, which she immediately returned. She started to sob softly into his shoulder while he gently rubbed her back and kissed her cheek.

“You, Uzi Doorman, are not a failure.” N eventually said, his fingers running softly through her hair. “If anything, you are an awesome girlfriend because you would do this for me, even though I never asked for it.”

“You deserve it, N.” Uzi mumbled softly.

“That doesn’t mean you need to do this alone.” N said, pulling away from the hug. He cupped her cheek. “Together, remember?”

“Together.” Uzi repeated with a soft smile. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I went crazy over this.”

“Eh, I’m used to you acting crazy. It’s probably the thing I love most about you.”

“Oh, thanks!” Uzi laughed as she playfully punched his chest. “You goof.”

N took the notepad out of Uzi’s hand and gave it a look. “You know, you’re right that you know me the best, you know? I’d enjoy any of the things you’ve written down …maybe not the puppy, because, yeah, poison air and such…” His eyes turned back to the list, and suddenly blushed as his eyes hollowed. A sly smirk spread on his lips. “Out of curiosity, what would you wear for the picture?”

“Okay, we’re done being mushy!” Uzi announced as she snatched the notepad from N, blushing ferociously. She grabbed his hand and started to drag him to the roof. Uzi felt a lot better after talking to N. She now realized that she had been acting silly, letting herself get so worked up over this. She hooked her arms around his arms and rested her head against his shoulder as they walked. When they reached the roof, they sat down on the edge of the building, looking at the sky for a while.

“You know …I think I know which day I’d choose for my birthday.” N suddenly announced.

Uzi looked up at him in surprise. “Oh?”

“The day we met.” N answered with a bright smile.

Uzi chuckled, but stopped when she saw he was being serious. “Really? Why? I shot your head off that day. You stabbed my hand. You nearly killed me twice that day.”

“Okay, but beside that, it feels …right.”

“Still not following you…”

“Because everything changed for me that day.” N looked up at the moon, the rings reflected around his eyes. “That day was the first day to becoming …me.”

“Have you been huffing gasoline fumes?” Uzi teasingly asked. “You’re not making sense.”

“Think about it.” N explained. “At first, I was just a regular, same-as-everyone Worker Drone. With Tessa, I was basically just a real fancy pet and as a disassembly Drone, I just …followed orders. Sure, I was always, me, but …I was never allowed to explore being me. Does that make sense?”

“Eh, kinda.” Uzi replied, making a shaky gesture with her hand. “I think I get what you’re saying. You mean, you were just what they told you needed to be, right?”

“Yeah, like that.” N pulled Uzi unto his lap, chuckling as she started to blush like crazy. “But you, you changed all that. You made me question things. You made me see I was more than just what other told me I needed to be. You let me be how I wanted to be.  You made it possible for me to grow to being the person I am now. And it all started that very day, with you. And that makes you, Uzi Doorman, are the greatest present I ever gotten for my birthday.”

Uzi believed that if her cheeks would burn any brighter, they’d melt right off. “Oh, I, you, I mean, ….oh, my…”

N let out a laugh. “Seems I have got you flustered, Uzi?”

She jumped off his lap and turned away from him. Something was building up deep inside her core. A warmth and happiness that made her tingle all over her body. She tried to push it down. “N-no! I just…you’re being….”

Oh, what the hell. Just give in, Uzi Doorman.

Uzi buried her burning face in her hands and let out a loud squeal of delight, jumping up and down like an excited child. She couldn’t stop giggling. And every time she thought it was going to stop, she’d look at N and his bright, amused smile and she’d start giggling again, her cheeks blushing bright and leaving her flustered. She suddenly turned on her heels and ran up to N, jumping up into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. She planted her lips firmly on his, kissing him as hard as her tiny frame could allow.

Once they finally pulled apart, a dizzy Uzi rested her chin on N’s shoulder, trying to catch her breath.

“I guess – whew…” N began, stroking Uzi’s back. “You liked what I said.”

Uzi giggled and planted a few kisses on his cheek. “Shut up…lovable idiot.”

“So, that’s a ‘yes’.” N adjusted his grip, making sure Uzi was completely secure in his embrace. He deployed his wings and winked at Uzi. “You ready?”

Uzi wrapped her arms around N’s neck, nuzzling against his cheek – reveling in the fact that she made him blush. “Always.”

Uzi whooped as N took off and flew up high in the sky, both of them laughing as N did a few daring tricks. As they were flying back to the bunker, Uzi sighed contently as she enjoyed the sigh of the clouds drifting underneath them. And as she looked up at N, she realized something as well.

N was her greatest gift at well.

…

Maybe she could get Lizzy help her take that picture, if she swore never to tell anyone. She’d figure it out later.

Right now, she was with N.

And that was enough for now.

[pallastrology]

lovely little things for your sign

artwork by theodor petter

valentine's day is coming up, so here are some nice little things we can do to pamper and show some appreciation for ourselves. i tried to think of free activities, because times are tough for us all right now. use whichever placements resonate for you, this is just for fun so don't treat it too seriously <3

aries: dance party! maybe it sounds silly, but moving your body (in whatever way feels best for you) can be really helpful. it wakes you up, helps regulate your nervous system, gets the blood pumping a bit and can be mentally uplifting. never mind how good it feels to blast some music and just let go of fear and inhibition for a minute...

taurus: spa session. this doesn't need to be a big fancy thing, but it's always nice to spend a bit of time pampering yourself. take a bath or shower, cut up some fruit, make a herbal tea or get a sparkling water, and then whip out some moisturiser or a deep conditioner. you could even make yourself a DIY face mask if you're feeling creative. paint your nails, listen to calming music, and just spend some time showing your body a bit of love...

gemini: start a diary. whether you get out that notebook you've been saving for three years (we all have one, there's no shame here) or just use your phone's notepad app, set aside a little bit of time to do some journaling. it's a really useful habit for a multitude of reasons, and you might find you feel lighter after you've put your thoughts to the page. going back through old journals can be affirming, emotional and even inspiring, so make sure to keep your writings safe...

cancer: get cosy! it's easy to get overwhelmed with life, especially when you can't get any time to yourself. so if you can, set aside a bit of time that suits you and just get comfortable. whether that's something like watching your cat play while you nurse a cup of tea, watching a comfort show with snacks and pjs, sinking into a book, whatever. do something that's just for you, and let yourself indulge a little bit...

leo: be nice to yourself. it's often easier to bully yourself than it is to be kind to yourself, but there's nothing conceited or big-headed about being proud of yourself and your accomplishments, acknowledging both your faults and your strengths, and treating yourself with the same kindness and respect you treat your loved ones with. in fact, it will help you to feel, think and do better, if you treat yourself better. so be your own biggest cheerleader, and take stock of the good in your life...

virgo: take a moment to recentre. when times get tough, it's easy to neglect your wellbeing. so now, take some time out of your day to work on a healthy routine; not one of the 'influencer' routines you see on social media, but a simple and sustainable routine that helps you feel a little bit better. even if means something 'little' like going through a checklist when you feel you're about to explode, feeling just 10% better can make your life run a lot smoother, and leave you feeling more grounded and able to enjoy your days...

libra: connect with someone. life can be very isolating, and it's easy to miss out on connection with people when most of our interactions are shunted through social media. try reaching out to a loved one and having a conversation; it doesn't have to be in person if you can't do that right now, but rather than just sending a meme or liking a post, have a real talk with someone you care about. a good chat with a friend won't cure all your problems, but it can lead to inspiration, connection and feeling that life is actually okay...

scorpio: dive into something. let your natural curiosity out to explore. it's always good to exercise your brain, but researching a new topic and studying it in depth will help develop your imaginative and creative side, as well as your intellectual one. you might gain a new skill or interest, you might not; but the day will pass anyway, might as well pass it learning something new. the more out-there the better, try a wikipedia rabbit hole or a video essay that changes you...

sagittarius: share your thoughts. not necessarily with another person, or on a blog, or your instagram stories... but write yourself a letter, do some journaling, talk to a friend. if you like posting on socials, by all means do that! there's no wrong way to document and share your thoughts, so get them out there. it's good to let go of what's in our heads, especially when life is getting overwhelming and you're feeling stuck or bogged down. it can be therapeutic and enlightening to translate your thoughts into words and release them into the world...

capricorn: let yourself relax. life is tough, and so are you, but you don't need to be strong all the time. it's okay to soften up and just be, without productivity, without stoicism, without being cool and collected. being human means experiencing the full range of emotions, good and bad, and it means energy ebbing and flowing over time. take a break, find a balance, and let yourself be vulnerable and soft, just for a change...

aquarius: reach out. whether that's checking in with a loved one, volunteering, caring for an animal, donating or promoting a good cause... it feels good to do good, and brings us more in line with ourselves to help others in some way. so do some googling, find a good cause that's practical for you to join up with, and take a step towards altruism. there are so many benefits to helping your community, both for yourself and for your world...

pisces: get some quality rest. easier said than done, right? but rest is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. even if you struggle to get decent sleep for whatever reason, there are little things you can do to feel more rested. make your room a bit cooler and darker, focus on relaxing (whatever that looks like for you) before bed, take a nap if you need one, stretch out the tension in your body, or just take a break from your day to consciously relax and breathe, without expectation...

[6mayhem]

top ten men??

okay.....this is a long personal post BE PREPARED!!! to find me cringe after this

in no particular order and most are also gonna be fictional LOLOLOLOLOL starting with the real people tho

gerard way...what can i say..... just 10/10 who I'm trying to be. All my problems would be solved if I could 100% embody him body mind and soul circa mid 2000s because spiritually that's who i was born to be. also the music is good very good. does he even count as a man anymore everyone's a transgender nowadays. anyway i don't actually know anything abt him apart from the stage persona and that's the way I'm trying to keep it bc everything i learn about celebrities I learn against my will

manuel germanletsplay. god i was so obsessed with him as a teenager. for the americans: he was of the biggest german gaming/minecraft youtubers and national heartthrob among teen girls. everyone shipped him with his friends including me THE FANFICSSSS..... he inspired a lot of transgenderism in me due to his twinky nature and his piano talent and long hair and the fact he never (to this day) showed his face. his persona was like a real life creepypasta character when it comes to sex appeal

isak valtersen skam..... skam is like my longest running hyperfixations i first watched it circa 2017 and have been rewatching at LEAST twice a year since then. idc that it's a teen show.......... he contributed greatly to my transgenderism. I love manipulative teen guys who are just the absolute fucking worst when you look at it objectively. he was such a male manipulator the whole s1 arc rlly made him out to be such a mastermind supervillain it was so silly. and then he got rlly pathetic in s3 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ anyway awesome outfits also..And anger issues

mickey milkovich shameless.... don't feel like I need to explain. WHAT AN ARC !!! he's a terrible person but like somehow the most sympathetic character in the entire show. everything past s7 was such flanderization it made me mad as hell but before that waowwaow.....he deserved better. my meowmeow. would move mountains and literally kill people for the most average annoying guy ever (real mickey fans hate ian) (jk hes fine minus the last 2 seasons)

syd march antiviral. what a fucking freak. he's got everything. blood kink. appearance of a sickly victorian child. horrible daddy issues. bisexuality. a thinly veiled transgender subplot. he's just so slimy and greasy and you just wanna punch him the entire movie I love it. big fan. also a male manipulator..U never know how much of his weakness is real and how much is faked to gain people's trust. he's just like me when it comes to obsessing over random beautiful women!!

sven kretschmer from ich hasse liebeslieder. no one knows this book because it was posted in like 2015 on a german fanfiction website but it permanently changed my brain chemistry. wow. i love him so much. he's everything to me. eyeliner wearing bisexual emo with greasy black hair who canonically looks like gerard way and struggles with every mental issue under the sun. erectile dysfunction subplot. has an abusive father. my favorite band is only kj because that's HIS favorite band. you could trace back 90% of who I am as a person to sven. HE BECAME A TATTOO ARTIST ALSO THAT'S SO COOL!!! and he's the most loyal bastard ever just a kicked puppy kinda guy i love men who are really clingy in relationships. but at the same time he also has insane anger issues which I ALSO love in a man GRIN 😁 😁 😁 😁 😁 ^^^^ see above faves this is a whole archetype of guy for me

jack as you are.... See profile pic!! you already knowwwww!!!!! he's just like me fr. sheltered/seen as weak and sensitive and longing to be rebellious and do things to impress other men (in a homosexual way). maybe transgender? maybe killed his best friend/brother/lover!! again...greasy long hair YAYYY!!! the whole movie could be a forcemasc fantasy

mirco from this sorta obscure book called landeplatz der engel....his mother rejected him. the woman who took him in is a prostitute.... he says ableist slurs but is the least ableist person in the whole book...he wears a ring with a jewel in the shape of a boar head how cool is that?? and he stole a car. and does illegal car races. and ditched his girlfriend for his new male best friend. and he's secretly really traumatized but never wants to be a victim and gets mad when you imply his past affected him 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 idk I just love how he never pretends to be a better person than he is, but the opposite of it. He never gives himself credit for how kind he is

will graham... What a fucking freak(2). proves that your life isn't over at 30 you can still find the love of your life and do really weird shit because you decided that the only thing you care about is what a freaky european cannibal thinks of you.

adam saw....what can i say. he's awesome. he's transgender. he's funny. he's tragic. he's in love with a man twice his age while his brain can't decide if it should see him as a father figure or romantic interest. relatable to me personally

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

my oc neph bell because he's awesome and basically me

steve harrington and eddie munson from stranger things bc i still ship it (there's zero canon moments but idgaf about canon its stupid anyway) bc 1. Tragic blond failson with daddy issues and 2. eddie gave me aesthetic aspirations fuel for like a full year before i figured out who i wanna be. so yeah. I'm only a little bit ashamed of this

tyler durden fight club because yeah. and by extension the narrator bc the moments where he acted like a proper weird fucker were so funny and also meeeeeeee x3

nezumi no.6 you edgy fucker

mo folchart inkheart bc i always wanted him to be my father

kurt cobain

my other oc cesar liehmann bc he embodies everything i like re: blond men with anger issues who have to compensate for their average height by acting more confident than they are

free space for whoever i might be forgetting rn. I always have a LOT of thoughts about fictional men....

SHIN TSUKIMI FROM YTTD LOL I REMEMBER BEING CRAZY ABT HIM

max zerophilia... just completely embraces his sexuality and status as a Z. shamelessly in love with both luke and luca. HOT!!!! kind of bad at flirting but it works for him. AND HE'S ALSO HOT AS MICHELLE AND I'M BISEXUAL SO THAT'S THAT

[sivanhe]

A very hot take about Express

I'm probably gonna get a lot of flak for this, and that's why I'm not putting any tags here (along with not wanting what's basically a rant to get into the Express tag). Please keep in mind that this is my own personal opinion, this is not a personal attack, and I want to keep discussions about this civil. Be mature about this. I don't want any of y'all throwing hissy fits because one rando said something bad about a mod you like. I still like Express; this is just a criticism. Anyways, here goes.

Express' "horror" is just as bad as Orin Ayo's. There, I said it.

Think about it: both involve cults as a plot point (or that's what I can only assume for Express; it's even worse if it ends up having little to no plot relevance), both involve extreme gore and body horror, and what makes it all so bad is that both mods' "horror" aspects just seem to rely on edge for the sake of edge.

The biggest offender here is Locke. He's a batshit insane serial killer who escaped from a mental asylum, is affiliated with a cult, bites people to attack them when restrained, and will maul the first person he sees if he's unrestrained. That's edgy enough, but it's at least somewhat interesting. The real edge, however, comes in the fact that he canonically carved out his own eyes and eyelids even before he was affiliated with the cult, just because he's insane. That's it. This is literally Jeff the Killer/other 2010s creepypasta levels of edge. There's no real reason behind Locke mutilating himself, he just does it because "ooohhhh he's crazy!!!1!!"

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind being edgy for the sake of being edgy, as long as it's not outright offensive. However, the problem is that Express is trying to be better than Orin Ayo, at least from what I gather. While you can take concepts from a horror mod you deem to be bad and try to make them work (and I'm not saying that's what Express was trying to do), it just doesn't work in this case. If anything, it falls right back into the same problems.

If you're going to be elitist about your mod and say it's better than Orin Ayo, have the mod actually be better to back it up.

The mod is still miles better in other aspects such as music and character design, but other than that, I can see why people refer to it as "Orin Ayo with trains"; it almost reaches the same level of edge and uses the same plot points, only having a story that's less convoluted. Even then though, there are still some questionable inconsistencies like Crash being unable to see due to being born without eyes, but Locke still being able to see despite him taking his own eyes out. You can say "but spirit realm logic!" all you want, but using in-world logic to excuse inconsistency and plot holes is lazy and a cop-out.

[quibbs126]

Oh yeah, I made this last night

I was complaining yesterday about how I can’t draw, and while I tried and failed to draw traditionally (I think I’ve been out of practice too long and I can’t adjust to the layout of it not being right in front of my face at the same angle, if that makes sense), I decided maybe I can try drawing these guys again

I’m pretty happy with how the main trio turned out in this redesign, I think I was able to give them all distinct looks

Cassidy got some changes, Rasmus pretty much stayed the same other than a permanent ponytail, and Rowan's hair got completely changed. Mostly because I wanted to make his hair have a more distinct shape

I still need to come up with new names for them though. Best I got is Rowan becomes Rusty, but I don’t know for the other two. All I know is that in another world, Cassidy would be Peppermint, or some other variation of mint

Anyways, a while ago I was considering changing the setting of the story to be cowboy themed. It was mostly because at the time, a Discord I was on was making a Cookie Run cowboy AU that I really like, but also because the story never had a clear time period setting. It was part modern day, part fantasy, and I never really got it to be consistent

Though the big problem is that I’m pretty unfamiliar with cowboys and how they operate. Which is ironic because I’ve been living in Texas for over a decade. But like, I’ve never been that interested in Westerns or that cowboy stuff, probably in part because I heavily dislike country music. So I don't really know much about the era other than Victorian times were also happening

I would also have to change some things around so that they fit in the time period, most importantly the whole situation with Rasmus and the others. I'm thinking maybe I can turn that from science experiment to witchcraft and have magic be more of a thing, since they are meant to have magic

I've given a little thought into how the story works now, like that these three got hired either to drive cattle to a certain area or keep watch of a ranch. I guess if they got to travel, then the former, but if I just want them to hang out, then the latter. Former's probably better though, since if I want to make an actual plot, there's your overarching goal

I think I need to do more research on the time period though, so I know what I'm doing. Though also this isn't going to be like, completely historically accurate. I mean these guys are fictional goat thing people with magic powers. I don't think something like the Civil War happened recently, and I'm not sure I want sexism to be a prevalent thing in the plot. And I think I also personally I need that reminder since sometimes I forget that I can give myself wiggle room

In that vein, the cattle are probably also semi fictional, or at least maybe they shouldn't be exactly the same as real cows. I don't know, I feel like it'd be really jarring to have normal cows alongside brightly colored goat people

Anyways I trailed off, back to the actual drawings

So because of the cowboy consideration, I tried to sketch out outfits they could wear. As well as body types (though they didn't turn out as varied as I'd like). Cassidy and Rasmus I think are fine, but Rowan might need more tweaking. I also need more cowboy refs, especially ones that aren't just costumes or AI pictures in Google Images

Then afterwards I decided to start sketching some of the other characters I've made up. Which just so happen to be the parents of the main characters. Who also have names because I came up with the naming scheme at that point

Top to bottom is Periwinkle, Basil and Silver

Of those three, I think Periwinkle turned out the best, but for one thing, she's been in my mind much longer than the other two, so I have a much clearer idea of what she's supposed to look like. And on top of that, I've actually drawn her before, so I know what to change. Basil and Silver are very much first drafts, and first drafts are usually not the best when it comes to designing new characters. No wonder redesigns of characters usually end up better than the original, since you have a base design where you already know what works and doesn't, as opposed to working from the ground up

And with Silver, I made it a point that he and his son don't look anything alike other than both having darker hair, so I quite literally had nothing to work with, unlike Basil or Perri

I'm also realizing that I've made a pattern with the parent designs, namely that all three of the main characters pretty much exclusively look similar to their moms. I suppose you can't tell much here, since Rasmus was born green but got changed via the experimentation, while I drew Silver, Rowan's dad that he looks nothing like, with the mom he does look like not being depicted. But yes, Cassidy and her bio mom are blue, Rasmus and Basil are green, and Rowan and his mom are red

Periwinkle and Cassidy are probably the two who look the most distinct from another, in part because they're two different shades of blue. Which is ironic because in my more recent working of this world, I made it a point that Perri's family has crazy strong genes, with everyone in the family (outside of marriage) is blue. I might have to take that out or just change how this works

I mean with Rowan, I don't really know how to change it, since his dad's family is all in the greyscale, so him being red would have to come from his mom. And with Rasmus, his parents are supposed to be green and red, with the idea that it's plausible that he could turn out brown, while in reality he was born green. But I mean I guess I could turn him a more yellow-ish green? I don't know, I'll figure it out

And uh yeah, I guess that's it. Not really anything that remarkable, but at least I drew something

[abhainnwhump]

(Content warnings: Lady whump, both whumper and whumpee, multiple whumpees, conditioned whumpee, noncon body modification, escape attempt, implied human trafficking, hypnosis/mind control, gun violence)

It was hard enough to run in his state, but carrying someone else dragged him down even more.

Antonio panted as he pushed his way through the semi-abandoned town. He hasn't had a full night of sleep or a decent meal in weeks, just this weird paste to keep him alive. He kept the orange hoodie over his head and the light purple one over Lulu's. She was lighter than he was expecting, probably because she was essentially a living corpse. It was a huge risk to take her, but he wasn't going to leave her in that basement lab factory.

He looked around for a place to hide and spotted a gas station on his left. Only one car was in the driveway, good. No one should see him in this state; he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

The guy at the counter looked to be in his fifties and half-asleep; his baseball cap covered his face. He woke up a bit more at the sight of the two, but it couldn't have been the weirdest thing he's seen this week. This was California anyways.

"Sup," Antonio said quickly. He snuck behind one the shelves to rest, pretending he was shopping. He didn't have any money.

Antonio dug through his pocket and pulled out a phone. He stole it from Seren's drawer before he left, which made him a bit sick wondering who it once belonged to. Both wallpapers were of pastel frog artwork. He dialed his twin sister's number. He knew he should've called the police, but how the fuck would he explain what's going on? Is this 911? Yeah, I've got a problem. I was kidnapped by the woman who runs Coral Divine and she complained about my face not being symmetrical so she tore it apart and restitched it planning to sell me. Any advice?

The dial rang once. Twice. Too long. Antonio's breathing sped up. He didn't know how much time he had. "Come on, come on, pick up!"

Pop music blasted from the otherside, making Antonio more homesick than he already was. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Am, it's me!" He whisper-screamed. He kept looking around to make sure Seren wasn't close. It always felt like she was watching.

"Antonio?" Amber gasped, turning the music off. "Oh my god, you're alive! Where the hell have you been? I thought you were dead!"

"I don't have time to explain. I'm running from the person who kidnapped me and I need you to pick me up. I have another one of her victims with me and I don't have the energy keep going."

More noises shuffled from the other side. "Okay, okay, I got my keys. Where are you right now?"

Antonio ran his hand through his messy black hair. His fingers brushed upon the porcelain mask that was sewn onto the right side of his face. He wondered if there was some way to remove it, along with the patches on his arms and waist. His left hand was artificial too.

Lulu began to stir by his side and he readjusted her, silently hoping those tranquilizers would keep working. "I'm in that gas station on Shell avenue. Please hurry. She could be here any-"

A gunshot shattered the glass of the door and made him drop the phone. Amber's voice panicked from the otherside. Antonio's face drained of color. He recognized the shadowy form.

"Mierda!" Antonio cursed as he ducked down. Lulu shot awake. Her pupils went small in her emerald green eyes and she struggled in his grip.

Lulu reached her arms out and made grabby hands, reaching for Seren. "Mistress! Mistress, help me!"

"Shut up!" Antonio whisper-screamed, covering her mouth again. He knew he should've taken one of those gags when he had the chance. Thankfully, Lulu wasn't very strong being 85% made out of plastic.

His palms coated with sweat. It reminded him of when he was a kid watching horror movies in the basements. The Cthulhu monsters and evil clowns and killers seemed dumb to him at the time. But now they were real. And the supernatural monster was after him.

Seren stepped more into the light, pistol in hand. Her white eyes appeared to glow with fury, but the rest of her stance was calm and collected. Her face was marred with a diagonal cut from where he slashed her with a piece of glass. The blood had dried. Antonio stayed as still as he could, hoping she wouldn't see him. He couldn't go back to on that operating table. Out of curiosity, he peeked from behind the shelf.

The worker had ducked down under the counter when Seren fired the first bullet and searched for the phone.

"H-hello? We have a shooting at-"

"Ah, ah, ah, none of that now." Seren shot him through the skull and spun around, shooting the rest of the security camaras. The man fell on the floor with blood pooling around his head. Repressing a scream, Antonio searched around frantically for something he could use as a weapon. His eyes landed on a pocket knife. Between holding down Lulu, who was still fighting and screaming, and trying to get the knife out of the safety cardboard with sweat-covered palms, it was a struggle.

Seren began to sing a soft tune as she walked through the store. It was a wordless melody, but one that would fill most musicians with envy.

Antonio's body struggled between fear and relaxation as he listened. His eyes began to glaze over and blur. It was like his stress was melting away. He had the urge to stop running and relax instead. He was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of being angry and afraid.

No! Not again! I'm not going to fall for her powers again!

On the bright side, Lulu successfully fell asleep to it and he could focus on freeing the knife. Covering his ears with his hood, Antonio whipped the knife out and turned around to slash, but it was too late. Seren kicked him in the ribs and flipped him over on his stomach. He was too weak to fight back; black spots danced in his vision. He said a silent prayer that if Amber was still coming, she would be safe. He only heard one more thing before he passed out.

"Found you."

Bonus Picrew of Antonio (pre and post whump):

Link

[micahsawyer]

the time had passed by in a blur of melancholic guitar riffs and some of alice's beautiful vocals. it had been a spur-of-the-moment thing when alice had started to sing along to his casual, absent-minded strumming, and micah was quickly enraptured with the little tune they were slowly creating. he's meticulous with it, often taking breaks to modify a sound he thinks is too bright and doesn't mesh well. he's perfectly interested, content, and in that sweet little bubble where music is all that matters.

@pixieseer said: "is that a fucking body?"

he hadn't been expecting alice to wander around his condo. he was too busy plucking chords to join her in whatever she was going to do—truthfully, he had only been half listening when she announced her momentary departure—and micah's expression pulls into one of curious consideration when he finally registers her words. his fingers pause on the strings, guitar settling into his lap, and he turns his head slightly to better see her from where he lounges on the living room couch. [ in his defense, he was going to take care of his latest victim after alice left—but that hadn't happened… and here we are! ] he knows exactly what she had seen: a twenty-something guy with heavy bruising around his neck and tiny cuts sporadically staggered against his flesh. micah can imagine many vague scenarios in which that might be horrifying, but he can't quite get a grasp on any of them enough to know the right thing to say. the guy had been an asshole, anyway. would it make it better if he told her that?

micah shrugs suddenly, his expression turning indifferent. "yeah," he answers coolly, and it lacks the conviction of someone who feels remorseful. if anything, he's internally struggling to understand why the guy's unconscious body would be a problem here. "he ain't dead yet, if that makes ya feel better." a beat, and then his attention turns back to his guitar, which he strums impatiently. "come on, man — we had something real good going on there, alice."

[love-killed-the-superstar]

the more i read through issue one, the more i think the stone situation isn't caused by some enemy - i'm more convinced the cause of it is odyn himself.

(i had about half of this typed up before hashing this concept out in a very cool conversation with @last-ronin earlier today... but i fell asleep before posting it last night, lmao.)

these kids are Developing Powers, guys. they can communicate telepathically, not just holding entire conversations but also projecting imagery into each other's minds. it's unclear at this point whether they can all project images psychically or if that is specifically yi's gift, but it does seem to be implied that this makes her retellings different from uno's and favoured by odyn. i'm on the fence about whether uno's colour-changing ability counts as a power or not since it's something other lizard species can do and he's been doing it since he was a baby. moja is also noted as having an 'overactive nose' literally smelling something 'wrong' which is like... either a very odd character quirk or another sign of enhanced abilities. if she has heightened senses in general, that might have been subtly foreshadowed by the times in lost years where she's seen wearing her headphones even when she's not listening to music.

much like casey growing to inherit enhanced strength and reflexes from interacting with mutagen, it seems like the turtles bodies are also starting to get all funky from ooze exposure. hence the title, re-evolution.

at the end of the chapter, when the babies finally get their chance to fight a real fight, odyn clearly doesn't want to. he's very much giving michelangelo in the lost years - it's making me nervous that at some point we're going to get a 'GET UP FOOLISH CHILD' moment with casey and odyn, because as much as she loves her kids, casey marie is a complete hard-ass on the battlefield. i HOPE that we get to see it play out differently if history repeats. that always felt painfully unresolved in lost years and it really made me resent roninverse splinter. if this happens i'd like casey to have to confront the fact that she DID make these kids to fight a war, that was incredibly FUCKED UP and they DON'T have to accept that.

(this scene is so hard to read no matter how many times i come back to it. sincerely, FUCK YOU roninverse splinter.)

anyway. here are just a few moments in that final battle where he hangs back while the other three jump in with weapons swinging:

free my boy. clearly odyn doesn't want to be here rn. he seems rooted to the spot...

...like a statue, wouldn't you say?

so yeah. in a life where he's been raised to fight or fall, this feels very "third option" to me. this poor kid is in an impossible situation so his body gives him an out where he can keep himself safe like his family want without having to experience the horror of fighting lethal opponents. the problem is, if he's completely frozen solid like this, how does he know when the fighting is over? how does he know when or how to snap out of it?

my prediction is the turtles are going to use their telepathic abilities next issue to break through to him and coax him out of this stone state (possibly creating more hijinks if a new power is discovered in the process). i have NO CLUE if april and casey marie know the turtles have these powers, but they sure as shit are going to find out when they catch their babies performing a seance around their brother lmao.

there's also the possibility of this 'insidious foe preparing to spring a trap' from the issue 2 synopsis... i wonder if they have a way of messing with the turtles' new mutations?

much to think about. anyway, VERY hyped for issue 2!

[cenviswasteland]

hellp tumblr user cenviswasteland. tell me about your ocs please? batting my cartoonishly large eyes at you [ insert microphone emoji here its 2:15am and i dojt want to find it ]

- 🍤

HELLO TUMBLR ANON SHRIMP EMOJI I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO. APOLOGIES FOR NOT RESPONDING SOONER I WAS PLOTTING.

for the sake of everyone involved, im just gonna post one guy. uhhh if you wanna see more i might reblog it later with more people idk idk. also im gonna cut the post here for the sake of mobile users. love peace and little donuts or whatevsies.

===+++===

hey thanks for clicking on the button now let's talk about a wet cat given human form.

Zeno Eldiare

27 yrs, he/him, human-ish, bi

this is the first OC I ever really used. not my current favorite out of all of them, but he deserves to be first just on principle.

he's a pessimistically down-to-earth type of person. he has one hell of a temper. frequent user of swear words (there was a time where i was throwing a "fuck" into every sentence he said). he'll listen to your problems, but don't expect him to help solve them.

years ago, he was wrapped up in the mafia. he was coerced into it and he couldn't properly get himself out, so he just kept going down into the depths of it. he started as a hired gun, he earned a reputation that way. he took a fake name ("Atlas Pierre") and just kept getting worse. he was eventually caught and jailed.

depending on which universe i'm working in, zeno is either jailed on a different planet (sci-fi bullshit) or he's experimented on in jail. either way, he ends up infected with a fictional disease called Glaisica, or Glass Body. unable to be properly treated, the disease binds to every one of his cells-- basically rewriting him on a molecular level-- to basically make him living glass.

it's been a couple years, but was able to get himself out of jail and get his record cleared (it's an INCREDIBLY long story that i don't have time for here). he now has an apartment and a job as a mechanic.

zeno likes greasy american-diner food (large burgers, milkshakes, fries, etc), rock and alt music, crime dramas, cats, hole-in-the-wall bars, neon lights, karaoke, and card games.

zeno dislikes mornings, empty rooms, commercials, and getting wet.

when it comes to vices, he has a bit of a drinking problem. his poison of choice is whiskey. he also, unrelatedly, drinks ACTUAL poison because he practices mithridatism. see below for his recipe! (DO NOT ATTEMPT.)

yeah thats the most basic run down of him. he is my babiest girl and i have about twelve versions of him in the back.

for example: Blaise "Zero" Lucibello, who was born and raised in Adamas, New York [not a real place]. He's an A/V guy for the local news station. His dick leads him to places no one in their right mind would go with a gun (the mafia).

i'm writing a whole trilogy of books about blaise, actually. i might make a separate post about him at some point. teehee.

anyway! moral of the story! uhhh thanks for reading? again how the hell do you end a tumblr post

[ghoulsstolemyheart]

Can You See Me Longing For You

Dewdrop/Aether, heat cycles, outdoor sex, anal fingering, anal sex, handjobs, overstimulation

2.4k words

With his heat looming on the horizon, Dewdrop is separated from Aether by their conflicting work schedules. But when he just can’t take it anymore he seeks out his favourite ghoul to help take all his problems away.

Dewdrop was bored out of his skull. The tour was over and a rift was growing between the band ghouls as Sister Imperator had split them up for their work in the abbey. The only time they all got to spend together was during band practice once every two weeks, cut down from once a week as Imperator claimed it took their focus off their chores. What does that old woman know about anything anyway, Dew thought to himself. To say he was bitter would be an understatement. He wouldn’t admit it to another living soul but he missed his friends. He especially missed one friend in particular.

Since getting back from tour and being assigned to the night guard, Aether was pretty much constantly exhausted. He essentially became nocturnal, only surfacing during the day when they had band practice and he would often be found asleep on his feet. Sometimes Copia would send him to his room, but usually he would just let him nap in a corner on the floor of the music room. And Aether wasn’t the only one, Mountain was also having a hard time adjusting to the life of the ghouls in the night guard, but he could usually power through until the end of practice before he fell asleep.

This new working pattern gave Dew and Aether no real time together, something Dewdrop was especially mad about when he felt the first telltale signs of his heat cycle come over him. He couldn’t sleep, his mind an endless stream of thoughts and memories of nights spent with Aether. Hands tangled in hair and slick with sweat and spit as their bodies melded together. He tried so hard to get himself off with just his hands but he just couldn’t. He needed Aether. Dew got dressed as quickly as possible, biting back a moan when he felt his erection strain against his pants, and went out in search of his favourite ghoul.

He stalked through the almost empty hallways, avoiding eye contact with the occasional sibling that passed him and peering into doorways and alcoves where the ghouls stood. Due to the nature of the church they weren’t exactly popular among certain crowds, so they’d had their fair share of break ins and trespassers over the years. Sister Imperator liked to keep their biggest, strongest ghouls where people could see them as a deterrent even if they hadn’t had any intrusions in a long time. Dewdrop eventually found Aether by one of the garden entrances, underneath one of the covered walkways that connected the sprawling wings of the abbey.

Aether jumped when Dew came up behind him and placed his hands on his arms, giving his biceps a playful squeeze.

“Fucking hell Dewdrop! You scared the shit outta me, I thought you were a burglar or something.”

“Aeth, calm down, no one’s tried to break into this place in years. Besides, what kinda burglar feels up the security guy?”

Now that he was facing the other ghoul Aether could sense Dewdrop’s heat coming off of him in waves, each one hitting him like a slap in the face. He fisted his hands at his sides to keep himself from grabbing Dew and ruining him right there in full view of the abbey. He could feel his own heat approaching and Dewdrop was only serving to speed up its arrival.

“That doesn’t matter, I need to be on the lookout.” He forced himself to look away from the fire ghoul, he didn’t know what Imperator’s punishment for slacking off was and he was reluctant to find out. But that crackling firewood scent of Dewdrop’s heat was so frustratingly enticing and it had been so long since he’d last had a good fuck.

“C’mon Aeth, I know what you’d rather be doing right now.” Dewdrop reached up to toy with the lapels of Aether’s jacket, twisting the button from side to side before looking up into his eyes. Aether couldn’t say no to him. Not with the way he was looking at him or how his heat demanded his attention. Aether grabbed him, tilting their heads at an awkward angle to accommodate their masks as he captured his lips in a furious kiss. Dew groaned a little with the rough way Aether handled him, pushing the smaller ghoul up against one of the stone pillars.

“You missed me too, huh?” Dewdrop breathed when Aether finally pulled away, his chest heaving with shallow breaths.

“So fucking much.”

Read the full fic here!

[whatifsandspheres]

I know I couldn't pick a worse possible time for this sort of First-World type rant, but that just makes it an even better time to do so, actually...

I've had this nagging and chronic complaint brewing in the back of my mind ever since the Fallout franchise was bought up by Bethesda after the collapse of the original company BlackIsle Studios that was formed under Interplay.

At the time it was being ridiculed as the omen of the coming of a "Oblivion with guns! XOMGbbqwtfsauce!!1"

I mean, they were right. But that's not the problem I had with Fallout 3 when it eventually did release. It isn't the problem I have now after the franchise carried on.

When I discovered the game it was already a few years old. I found it in a bargain bin, selling in a bundle pack, one box with two CD cases inside, boasting about being game of the year '98. It was selling in Staples? Or was it Walmart? Either way, back then I even needed to get ink for schoolwork, I think that was the only thing I needed exclusively for school that I couldn't also play games on or music and internet. Even using a scanner you could use for hobby. I was bound to at least catch a glimpse of the game. I became a fan. I loved it.

It echoed for me a sort of honest bleakness in the undertones similar to the sardonic eeriness of the happy upbeat and lighthearted tune playing in the background of an X-Files episode whilst something horrible was going on in the main scene. Except for the theme and setting it was the tune of the "American Dreams" of "normalcy" and the promises of the *new* and promising future, and the main scene was the reality of all the true colors of humanity bleeding through and coming out of the woodwork.

I feel like that was lost in the franchise.

They even developed an online version... Something that the original developers and old fans ridiculed the development of and nicknamed FOOL (FallOutOnLine). I recall rants on the forums about capitalist Frenchmen and horrible labor practices.

But anyway...

What became of the franchise after it was sold off to Bethsoft bothers me because of the direction I felt it was already taking versus what became.

What was becoming was a core body of fans that had been following since the releases of 1&2 and which had pretty much acknowledged those two games distinct from Tactics and Brotherhood of Steel, that was nicknamed POS (Piece of Sh*t). What I agreed with them on was that those two were canon, and that the "secretly" developing Fallout 3 project titled "Van Buren" while in development was their true successor.

I think it's important in times like these to note why that seems to matter to me. Why it matters to history in media, pop-media even or niche culture if you have to diminish what it's speaking about society. In that FO3 the main character isn't in a vault. They aren't a "Vault Dweller," or even a direct descendant or relevantly related of the "Vault Dwellers." They begin in a prison jumpsuit that resembles a Vault jumpsuit, but that's intentionally a reference to the other two games in the series. In the first the main character originates from Vault 13, in the second they're a descendant from the outcast from that same vault as well as some people from Shady Sands-- what eventually becomes the New California Republic under Aradesh's Sandy. Do you recognize the trend or direction? A pattern? Away from the culture of Vaults and the old world's entitlement, hubris and Yankee-Doodle gung-ho "sign me up for a World War" attitude.

When Bethsoft picked it up they clung to the Vault like it was the only thing that held the wasteland together. They needed and hoisted up the Vault Dweller to an elite status, almost like a purebred human superior in caste to the outsiders. Something Lynette in Vault City and even Richard Grey/The Master have in common-- much like the real world white supremacists, American Exceptionalists, and Adolf Hitler. They really went all-in with that whole cliche of "Oblivion with guns" and turned Vault Dwellers into the equivalent of "Pure Elves" or something.

And that's fine, right? It's fiction. It's for fun!

But is it so innocent?

To me it reflects something in society, a Zeitgeist that echoes the Baby-Boomer entitlement of wanting to be special, chosen, having a birthright to something that excuses class divisions and superiority. Something that's clearly visible in society now even in people who don't care about these games and have never heard of them, because those games borrowed from real history and society, and the undertones have evolved in a different manifestation than they were headed... It's... A bit disheartening.

In society the yearning need for people to feel a sense of security and normalcy even while genocides are occurring is like the fiction of "I Love Lucy" playing in the background while hundred of barrels of DDT corrode and leak off the coast of California in the real world; like the Andy Griffith Show intro whistling in the background while police and military spending increase and another civilian or journalist is brutally murdered or disappeared in a "democratic society." The smiles on the clothing commercials while microplastics tangle up and break people's intestinal lining, the doctors throw their hands up and prescribe them more drugs and double check the patient's insurance coverage before-- wait, they smoked cigarettes in their offices before, not anymore, right?

But the games? Turned that so gimmicky and kitschy. Where before they were one of the few available critiques in media about this social sickness they became little more than reiterations of other stories already out there in science fiction and other media, but with an extra thick layer of the Fallout 1&2 intros painted over their billboard. So quirky! So alternative! So... Fantasy. Such escapism.

So sad. And not in the ways that felt so much more real in the original two.

I know New Vegas was attempting to bring the game back to its roots but the damage has pretty much been done and... It doesn't matter much anyway, the real world is horribly worse than anything the games could have devolved into at their worst anyway. I just wish there were more well-structured critiques of this living nightmare than there really are. Instead everyone's just striving to secure a slice of that Quotidian Boomer-Normalcy.

[psychelis-new]

Hii I hope you don’t mind me asking for some advice. So whenever I go in a crowded place and stay for a while I always end up crying whenever I come back home. I’m guessing its bc I absorb other peoples energy? I’ve tried visualising a shield but I feel it’s not strong enough. If you have any advice for this in general I would really be grateful.

Hey, sure it's fine. Yes it could be cause you pick up a whole bunch of energies all at once or just that... being around people, especially crowds, makes you feel unsafe. It's a normal reaction, you don't have to worry: not everyone likes being around people, and in particular when there are too many of them and you cannot control what they do or where they go. It can feel overwhelming (and it can be a sign of a deeper wound though -ofc I'm not a doctor, so take as resonates).

In particular when we're already stressed for other reasons, being around lot of people (and strong noises, lights and smells), can indeed add to our fears/stress and make it all too much to bear with. But it's good that you cry: crying helps you remove what hurts, physically and emotionally. It could simply be your way to free yourself from that accumulation of random energies or from the general experience. Ofc I am sorry you cry, but it's good. Some people cannot cry easily for things that happens to them, and they accumulate so much before they can free themselves (yeah, hi!)... Anyway, crying doesn't have to be a bad thing, no matter what you've grown up believing (generally: crying = something is wrong = bad). Crying is good, it helps you get better (even if you're in pain).

Now, back to us: to not feel is almost impossible, especially for those who are empaths and pretty sensible (this is also how we may have grown up, needing to pay attention to our surroundings in order to "save ourselves"). But you can work on trying to isolate from what's outside, to put up boundaries (emotional ones. Kinda like shields, but you don't need to visualize anything and lose energy that way -losing energy makes you more vulnerable to the outside one, try to preserve it within you). To put up this boundaries requires lot of work/practice and patience, of confidence and kindness in yourself (it won't work perfectly since day 1) and working on grounding yourself and feeling stable. This is the only real shield you can truly create, whether it's energies or just emotions: working from your inside out.

Generally psychologists suggests to get away from any overwhelming situation (when possible ofc): but crowds are hard to be avoided sometimes. So, try to move away mentally by focusing on something else. - Maybe put music on (just pls remember to pay attention when you cross roads and even walk, look where you go -I personally don't like that cause it makes me lose focus on my surroundings and I don't like to be not able to hear what's around me, but we're all different) - sing a song or a random lullaby in your head, or repeat a lesson or plan your day/try to imagine a dialogue with a friend or anyone (maybe in another language if you know, just to practice it too -it will totally make you focus on another problem which is remembering words); - count to a number (just to see if everyday you count to the same number); - maybe count your steps, but try to not run; - focus on a color/word or an advertisment you can see around, and try to imagine a story about any of them or where you can find them (like color yellow: lemons, bananas, minions...). - hold a notebook or something near your stomach, it may help you feel protected (even a plushie, there's nothing bad in that). - imagine someone holding your hand if you want, and shielding you. Your angels are likely to do it anyway, just be aware of their presence around you. Just take it slow and breathe. Focus on your breathing and calm your body (especially neck/shoulders area and lower back/belly), remind yourself it's okay/safe to walk there and nothing will happen. And nobody's energy can enter you if you don't let them, so don't be scared, don't let fear take over: stay focused on you and grounded. If you walk around in fear of others and look at how many people are around you thinking "omg they're too many I cannot afford them all", you will easily start getting overwhelmed. Don't let this happen: you don't have to afford anyone, you just need to walk your path to home. Again, breathe and focus on you. Do/Think anything that can keep you focused on something else, and that can be comforting for you in that moment, until the crowd is only a memory.

Take care, okay?

[smoosnoom]

oh moon. ur writing bop after bop. my only wish is to fix ur sleeping schedule (as i don’t write it at 2 am before my work).

“although Will wasn’t sure why, with a lack of an attempt to call or write or remind him that he actually cares about Will in any facet” it’s actually crazy how differently ur looking at this situation after reading mike’s pov. like, will, honey. u didn’t reach out too…

“Will just misses him like home” well sad version of the phrase “home is there the heart is” is valid too 😭

oh and the sky!! “gray sky” when he’s lonely, “gray-red sky” when hes torturing himself about loving mike, “The sun glimpses through cloudy skies” when ice started to melt, “grayish-blue” when they went back to normal but before coming out

“Will knows it’ll never be like before” the way he’s right and wrong at the same time.

“We should all have one person that knows our favorite song” and u decided to become wills person yeah?

“he hear when Mike lets out the smallest of sighs, fleeting when he lands on the ground” he signs like an old person when he’s going any physical activity 😭 grandpa in a young boy body

“You don’t have anything to apologize for” i love when ur doing this

“It makes Will’s mouth run dry” as california summer. fake but never forgotten

““You’re crazy,” [...] He surely drives Will crazy.” yeah cause they’re crazy together

“There’s – there’ll never be a girl.” coming out scenes always make me shrink like im looking for something bad to happen. even though i know it’s impossible. i can’t imagine how hard it’s write one

“if – if you did, that’d be – I’m just” i love when mike is aware of his feelings and finding out that will is gay but still hesitating cause that will is gay doesn’t mean he likes mike.

“Now, I know you better than anyone” hes so 😭😭 i swear if he could put will in his pocket and don’t let anyone interact with him he’d do it

“to brush Will’s hair away from his forehead” im obsessed with this trop

“He’s going to overthink it for the rest of his life, he knows” a lot of others kisses are coming my boy </3

“He can feel Mike’s eyes on him.” and then whole “will-they-won’t-they” thing will start.

also i loove the playlist u made :) “lost in japan” is like… my favorite shawn song Ever 😭😭 and there’s a song “concentrate” which is “hitchhiker” twin But i love “hitchhiker” more so it’s crazy that u chose it 😭😭

ur music taste is soft and sweet like cotton candy. i feel like mine is more like confetti cause i listen to more pop. does it make sense? (it doesn’t mean i don’t like it. it’s just different and that’s cool cause im struggling to find music outside my comfort zone)

anyway. love ur fic and ur playlist. ty for them <3

i feel like we should support u at every given opportunity

my sleep schedule has been in Shambles since i was nine ! so ! at least u get some fics out of my terrible insomnia :D

u know they have some of the worst miscommunication problems ihave Ever seen . i need to trap them together in a room for three hours with a sleeve of ritz crackers

oh my god im so happy u noticed the whole sky motif !!!!!!! it makes me so excited whenever someone notices something like that especially when its probably something u skim over alya Love of my life

mike immediately going over will and filing away every song hes ever listened to is so real to me .

ok YES he sighs like an old man when he does anything . BUT SO DO I 😭😭😭 LET ME LIVE

the bedroom scene where mike looks So offended when will is like I Deserved It :/ lives rent free in my mind . i need to implement it whereveer i can

"as california summer. fake but never forgotten" HEELEPJHP

CRAZY TOGETHER !!!!! CRAZY TOGETHEERRRRRR

coming out scenes intimidate me so so much oh my god ive never even . come out to anyone i just imply things and let people figure it out on their own and watching coming out scenes make me sweat like a sinner in church but . writing them is so hard for me !!!!!!! im trying to write one with jonwill and it is so so so slow and difficult oh my god

so true !!!!!!! mike the gentleman that u are .

he would he rly would !!! number #1 will byers fan Mike Wheeler he just like me fr

omg "lost in japan" is one of my favorite songs of his too and i was like . this is So alya and im so glad u liked it yayayy !!!!!! also what a coincidence i chose the twin u liked better !!!! our brains are Connected for real

urs is definitely like confetti omg what a perfect way of describing it ! urs is like bubbly soda and mine is like . a milkshake . does this make sense . urs so fun and hype and i lovee the songs u showed me !

thank u so much for liking both things alya :D u mean the world 2 me !