#anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more

[dilf-docs]

Hand To Heart (I'm Gonna Stay Faithful)

bfd!joel miller x younger!reader

summary: a pregnancy scare makes you realize just how deep you are in this.

warnings: 18+ (minors dni), age gap, smut, p. in v., pregnancy scare, fingering (WE GET IT U LIKE IT), bit of praise kink, humilliation kink, breeding kink (they're stupid and insane acc), dacryphilia, sex thru the looking glass (there's a mirror in reader's dorm), ANGST in capital, they're starting to catch the feels™ ur honor, hurt/comfort, plot thiccens, this people are clearly NOT in a good headspace btw idk we listen read and don't judge.

word count: 4,757 words

side note: everyone calling this joel nasty but thirsting after him too? was going to hold a trial over my citizens but yk... what the hell, sure! i too want nasty bfd!joel to ruin me: he can be my baby daddy who doesn't pay for child support of our 4 kids and we'd make way to bed for our 5th LET'S GO also spam time! but i also happen to write in wattpad, and got a pedro pascal social media fic going on :) it's on spanish tho, but if u speak the language and would like to tune in, u can read it here

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It's a regular Tuesday when his phone rings at ten in the morning.

"Dad"

Joel gets up from his desk in a brash move, immediately picking up his daughter's worried tone. Tommy bursts inside, telling him to calm down, but all Joel can hear is the anxious beat in his chest.

"What's it, babygirl? You okay?" his throat tightens. "Talk to me"

There's silence before she answers, as if she's unsure to continue.

"It's not me" he feels his muscles relaxing, but then Sarah drops the bomb. "It's y/n"

Joel's heart beats with a different type of worry.

"What's wrong with her?" voice firm but emotionless.

It's almost summer again, and he's still seeing you. In a way, you had carved a space for yourself in his cold heart, so naturally, fear settles in. He'd never admit this things out loud, though.

"I don't know, dad" his daughter starts to rush the words out, panic evident on her voice. "She has locked herself in the bathroom and won't stop crying. I-I didn't know who else to call"

"Don't worry" but it sounds like he's trying to convince himself. "M' comin'. S'anyone else in there?"

There's a pause on the line before she answers.

"No"

He thinks of you. He'd seen you cry before, of course, but it'd been over silly childish stuff, like getting sent to bed early or not getting what you wanted for Christmas.

He thinks of you. Images of your pretty face, etched in pain, make his stomach drop. It isn't fair: your face was one destined to be happy for eternity, your smile so contagious Joel would sometimes find himself surrendering to your juvenile joy, his crow feet a little more notorious since you entered his life and carved your space on it by force; a light in the dark.

He just couldn't bear to see a mirror of his dullness on your face. It wasn't right.

"Stay put. I'll be there"

He tries not to think about your eyes drained of life. He tries not to think he's the cause. And then, he hangs.

As soon as Joel enters your dorm, your perfume is up his nostrils, providing him with a sense of relief he didn't know he needed. It was comforting and familiar, words that used to be hollow now carrying a knowing feeling that stung right on his chest.

"Dad" Sarah calls out, going for a hug. Joel embraces his daughter tightly while caressing her hair. "I'm so glad that you're here. I didn't know what to do"

"Breath in, babygirl. S'alright" he looks at your door, closed. Broken sobs can be heard, and his wounded heart feels like a heavy burden on his chest.

"My class starts in ten" Sarah speaks against the fabric of his flannel, "but I just couldn't leave her like this"

His daughter has a good heart. At least one of them did, anyway.

"Go to your class" he's commanding before he can fully process what he said.

Sarah breaks the hug, looking at him with a look he can't quite place.

"What? But, dad-" she tries to protest, concerned for your wellbeing.

"I'll take care of it. Always do, haven't I?" he sees her hesitation, and afraid of where her doubts would take her, Joel adds a small joke in there. "Y'know those classes ain't free, kid. Go ahead"

"Okay" she gives up. "Just... tell me if anything happens, yes?"

"F'course. Trust me"

"I trust you"

He still remembers when Sarah's kindergarten teacher handed him that drawing: Joel was wearing a cape, and she said his little girl had told everyone in class his dad was a superhero because there was nothing he couldn't do. That same admiration and faith is there in her eyes, even as the small naive kid slips from his fingers and turns into the woman that stands before him. He's not the devil, but the worst father in the world, and that is pretty much the same to him.

When Sarah is out of your dorm, he's trapped inside the small room with your heavy crying on the other side of the door. He looks at the small place, thinking about all the times he's sneaked inside during the night, hiding like a criminal as you wait for him behind the door full of scrapped stickers, ready to capture his lips with an eagerness that gnaws his chest.

Now it's just him and your sobs, his terrified reflection displayed in the mirror in front of your bed, mockingly staring back.

What are you doing? it questions, and Joel, always ready to answer, has suddenly lost the ability to speak.

Forcing himself out of such a pitiful state, he approaches the door, knocking softly.

"Sarah" your hoarse voice speaks up, and just then, he realizes how much he loves hearing your voice, no matter how it sounds. "Don't you have classes to go to? Leave me, please. I promise I'm good, I-"

Joel hears your distress, so he interrupts what looks like the start of a nervous rambling wreck. Huh, doesn't he know you so well?

"Sarah's gone" a beat, "It's me, Joel"

As if you wouldn't recognize that deep voice even if you were deaf.

There's silence before the door flings open, surprising Joel, who takes a step back, barely noticeable to the rest, but obvious to you, who has spent hours admiring him and all his small movements, he who you could draw by memory and built in your head as real as he who was standing before you, his eyes circling with a whirlwind of emotions you can't quite place, yet make your heart race.

Joel takes in the sight of you, deciding it's unfair how good you look, despite your disheveled hair, run mascara and red-rimmed eyes: you are still the prettiest sight he's ever seen, and now he doesn't know what scares him the most.

"You're wearing my shirt" he says out loud his latest discovery. It's all he manages to say: not an are you okay? nor an what's wrong?

No, Joel just happens to be very stupid(ly in love).

"Sarah didn't see me" you hug the fabric that makes your frame look smaller, or maybe it's your tired composture that makes it seem that way, avoiding Joel from enjoying the way his shirt looks on you. "If that's what you wanted to know. Been inside there for hours, already was when she came by"

The fact that you rather explain and assure him of his supposed possible worries instead of sharing your own, makes his stomach tie on a knot. Were you too kind or perhaps selfless? Maybe just stupid(ly in love).

Joel grunts, and you're not sure if it's his way of dissmissing your comment (maybe he thinks you're lying), chastising you in a shallow manner or the fact that you're poorly trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Maybe he thinks you're still a foolish careless child who can't comprehend the weight of whatever it is you're doing by being with your bestfriend's dad behind everyone's back.

"Tell me" he gets closer to you, fingers on your cheeks, but they don't dig the skin, instead, his roughness hiding a surprising tenderness to them. "What happened, y/n?"

The rawness in his voice takes you by surprise. Joel Miller, who seemed a man impossible to waver, now stood before you, wrapped in a gloom that left you at loss for words, something akin to hope planting it's seed on your heart.

"Tell me" he demands, yet his pupils move as unsteady as your heart. There's no power for command in his voice, only what you could allude to helplessness.

Was it because you were putting up walls like he did?

Was it because the consequences of being with you are starting to dawn upon him?

Whatever it is, you don't like it.

"What's wrong?" he's pushing for an answer softly, such a contrasting image to that of him in bed. "Please, talk to me"

Please.

The words slip past his trembling lips, defenses crumbling.

Joel Miller hasn't pleaded since Sarah's mother packed her bags and walked out of their shared home. He promised himself he would never be vulnerable again, never at the feet of a loved one, beggin to be seen.

To be heard. To not be hurt. To be loved.

But here you were, red eyes blown wide at a confession spoken through other words.

Please.

Your chest feels heavy, breath constricted.

"Joel..." you utter his name like a prayer. As something to believe in; something to hold.

He rushes to your side, strong arms caging around you as your labored cries fill the tiny room.

"S'alright" he whispers against your ear, burying his face on your shaking shoulder. "M' right'ere, doll"

Your hold turns more desperate, practically clinging as if your life depended on it.

"Take your time, y/n" your name so soft, you feel like crying more. "I ain't goin' anywhere"

"Promise me" you whimper, holding tightly.

"I won't go" he assures. There it is, the same unwavering strength you know. It's for you, he thinks.

"Joel" you call out again, tone terrified. "I think I'm pregnant"

It takes him at least a minute to speak. Even to breathe.

"...What?"

He feels your erratic pulse against his chest.

"Joel. Look at me"

He doesn't feel your heartbeat anymore. Just then he realizes he's backed down, embrace letting go of yours. Joel takes in your eyes, shimmering with new tears and fears.

"Joel?"

"I'm here" his voice sounds like it belongs to someone else, and the reminder like it's for himself.

"I know" your small voice speaks up, "but, just- please, look at me"

Joel holds your gaze, and it's like your air supply as been cut.

You don't want this.

"Are you sure?" Joel asks cautiously, as if you were a small animal he's afraid to scare.

"No" you breath in. "I bought the test, but I couldn't take it... I was, for the very first time in my life, scared. But there's always a first, isn't it? That's when Sarah found me"

There's always a first. You weren't afraid when he pounced you next to his sleeping daughter, neither when you didn't stop coming and he let you in everytime, and absolutely not when he obscenely ate you out while Sarah was on the phone. No, you were brave―brave enough to stand defiant when his conflicting gaze pierced through you, daring you to be the first to leave this mess and forget about him. But you were brave because you stayed, despite it all.

That had to mean something, right?

"You said you wouldn't leave me" it comes out in a shaky breath; a threat. Your voice seethes with a quiet rage. "You promised, Joel"

Like the word promise was a dagger twisting on his insides, not a sacred oath.

So he forces himself to be that hero Sarah still thinks he is. After all, he promised her he's going to solve this, didn't he?

"I did" he runs a hand through his hair. "Got the test with you?" You slowly nod. "Take it, then. I'll wait here"

You don't move from your spot, chest still moving uneven under your labored breaths.

"When you come out, I'll promise I'll still be here"

He can't promise you more. The world? It's what you deserve but not what he can give; Joel can only give so much.

"Okay" your tone is clipped, and that's all you say before entering the bathroom and closing the door behind you.

The room feels smaller than it is, the small plastic stick feeling heavier in your fingers than it actually is. You hear the clock's tick, Joel's frantic pace and your own irrational beat. It feels like a bomb: ready to explode and destroy everything within it's range.

Time drags like a cigarette, walls closing over your shaking pale frame. Your phone has a timer going on, yet for some reason, it feels an end to your beginning. You hug your body, wishing it was Joel's arms doing so.

But you saw it: fear, hesitation. It was on his eyes, auburn cracking like wood under fire. He was weak, and so were you. All of this... it starts to loose it's meaning. What started as a summer fling now falls upon you like a second skin you can't quite wash off, and it's suffocating as much as the enclosed space where a stupid line could change the rest of your life forever.

Joel outside isn't doing much better. He's aware his walking probably set you on edge, so now he's sat at the small bed that dips under his weight. He takes one deep breath, two―then looses count.

How could he be so careless? For a brief moment, why did he let himself believe it could be?

For God's sake: you were his daughter's friend. He had seen you and Sarah play on his house, laughing on his porch, gossiping on her bedroom. Growing up.

He wanted you, a desire so consuming it sometimes kept him up at night, thoughts confusing with something else. Probably fear, probably acceptance.

Joel is aware you changed his life. You, with your wild spirit and obnoxious laugh. You whom he couldn't tear his gaze away when standing in the same room, a magnetic force making the world around you drawn to you and that dangerous allure you had that made it impossible to resist you. To forget you. To leave without you.

He feels dirty. A monster. A wolf with an insatiable hunger, sinking his canine teeth on your soft flesh. He'd drink your blood, to always keep a part of you with him; to be one. Like a lamb sent to the slaughter: but you wanted it. You had placed your head inside his jaw; trusting. As if knowing he could devour you, yet he'd never hurt you. Daring, almost.

Show me you can love me. Take a bite. Take me as yours. Mark me. Ruin me for anyone else. My blood, it belongs to you. This isn't a sacrifice―this is love.

When you exit the bathroom, hand holding the pregnancy test, it's all clear to him.

For a moment even, Joel forgets there's a world outside and sees a small baby: they have your smile, your eyes―and nothing of him, because you're the sun of his moon, the light of his darkness, and that baby is a mirror of you and your beauty. You and your warmth, devoid of his cold and far from where his filth can taint it. They have to look like you, because you are the most beautiful person in the world, and suddenly, the idea one more of you is possible, makes it feel like just you isn't enough.

"It's negative"

For the second time in the day, Joel is rendered speechless. His gaze is trained on the floor, lost in thought. Besides his lack of an answer, whatever he's thinking makes you nervous.

"Joel, are you okay?" you call out.

He swallows the lump on his throat, pose akward before he moves next to your bed.

"M' fine, baby. C'mere" he sits over it again, motioning with his hand the empty spot next to him. Joel's embrace is warm, like it shields you from the cold harsh truth.

"Are you upset?" you ask over the comfortable silence, the underlying tension stretching like a rubber band.

"No" his answer comes quick, "but I won't lie to ya', doll. Thought for a sec and ol' man like me could give a pretty girl like yourself a baby as beautiful as their mamma"

A treacherous pink dusts your cheeks. Had you lost all your common sense? Seconds ago, your life hung by a fragile thread, and now all your body can think is to go for the same risk again. Fuck it.

"Did you? I thought you were too busy freaking out"

Joel lets out a nervous laugh. "M' a busy man, doll. Learned how to do two things at once"

A fire settles in your stomach when his touch lingers over your soft flat belly, longing.

"Hmm, I see" your fingers move from his hold to his collarbone, as they play with the buttons he hasn't wore.

"Y/n" he warns. You stop for a moment, not because you're unsure, but because when you look up, his eyes don't shine with that glint of danger and hunger that gives you the thrills. Instead, they look at you with a fondness he doesn't seem to even realize―the one that gives you the hope of it all.

"I want this" you speak up, voice confident.

"I don't think that's a good idea, doll. What'ya need is-"

"You" your face gets close to his, cutting his words and breath. Joel's adam's apple bobs, your throbbing pussy going through a Pavlovian response, such action an indicator he's surrendered to you, mouth watering at just the thought. "You said you could do two things at the same time, right? The comfort me in the only way you know"

There's hesitation on his eyes, and while you think it's because he's still hung up on the idea this isn't what you need, Joel's mind is stuck in the fact you think he can just warm your bed but no your heart. It's stupid, indeed. It can't affect him that much. Ashamed, he cuts the space hanging between your lips and traps them in a heated kiss.

"Hmh, Joel" your voice barely audible as Joel's fingers grip on your hair, his sleazy tongue sliding it's way into your mouth until you can feel it in your teeth. "Please..."

He chuckles at your neediness. "Please, what?"

"Please" you whimper, feeling your back heat with droplets of sweat under Joel's shirt, the sticky feeling akin to that starting to pool in between your thighs. "Please, make me feel good"

Joel smiles adoringly, moving your body until your legs are up his shoulders. Sure, his knees covered by his dirty worn-out jeans are ruining your fresh laundry, and his joints may crack here and there, but you don't pay mind to this little things: all you care is how he's kissing your bare thighs, his salt and pepper stubble tickling skin that feels more sensitive than ever; burning almost.

"Gon' touch 'tis pretty pussy 'til you forget y'r name, doll" he breathes out. "Will ya' let me?"

You nod eagerly as he helps you get out of your panties, throwing them somewhere around the room. You smack his arm playfully at his rough manners, but then he's pressing his lips with wet ticklish kisses on your legs and laughter bubbles at the tingles it's causing.

"S-stop, Joel!" you beg, legs shaking. Your giggles are contagious, and soon the foreign feeling lifts the corners of his scowl into a smile, a concept becoming more familiar with time.

"I ain't stopping" his fingers then graze your clit, tauntingly. You whine, as Joel doesn't let up on your clit, his calloused digits coated in your arousal. "'Tis what you asked for, baby. So 'm gonna make you feel good. So good until you can't speak nothin' that ain't my name"

The threat feels like a delicious promise, so you tell him you'll behave.

"I wanna try somethin', doll. Wait" you whine at the loss of his fingers inside of you, and then he's moving your body until he's against the wall and you're on the border of the bed. With your eyes, you follow his line of view. "So needy, ain't ya'? Cockhungry slut. Jus' scared the shit out of me and now you want me inside?" he tsks. "Sick fella"

"Joel..." you breath out, desire pooling into your orbs.

"Wanna see you, doll" you see your reflection in the mirror as Joel lowers his head to whisper on your ear, eliciting goosebumps on your skin. "Want you to see yourself, too. How you'll be beggin' for me"

His middle and ring finger dip between your folds as he continues the minstrations, fingers pumping in and out as they graze your moist cunt. They start to go in circles, and even if it's not exactly next to your bed, you can see the mirror begin to fog, whines condensed in the heavy air.

His shirt clings uncomfortably to your body, but you don't care. In a way, he feels even closer to you, as if he was an extension of yourself.

Joel's body radiates heat on it's own, making the room's temperature skyrocket.

You lean your head back onto the mattress, moaning.

"Need ya' to use that pretty mouth of y'rs, doll. Say it" his fingers linger on the dip of your hips, waiting for an answer with a smirk and daring manner. "Say what ya' want; that's if you can"

It takes you a while to speak up, the slippery sound of Joel's coated fingers the only sound to be heard on your dorm.

"I... I need" you whine through labored pants, "I need you, Joel"

I need you, Joel. It's in the heat of the moment, really, yet on that very instant, he makes a silent vow that hangs unspoken in the air.

"Good girl" he bites your earlobe, making a chill run down your spine.

His fingers fuck into you just how you like it: swirling to explore your inner tight walls.

"Fuck. Love how your pussy takes me, doll. 'S mine, isn't it? Say it, say who this pussy belongs to. Who's the only man allowed to have it"

You close your eyes, but the answer comes clear. "You, Joel. Just you"

You whine, feeling him go harder in a new-found confidence. Your nails dig on his biceps, but he doesn't flich, still busy burying his fingers inside your clit as his mouth continues spilling filthy shit you barely can comprehend, mind starting to go numb.

Normally, Joel would make you cum on his fingers, always making sure to lick it after, claiming it was bad manners to leave to waste. But today, the clock ticking in your wall, he knows he must hurry.

"Eager, eh?" you taunt back, seeing how quickly he's pulling down his underwear, guiding the tip of his cock to your entrance.

Your dripping cunt welcomes his cock, tip teasing your entrance.

"Don't" he seethes.

"Don't?" you laugh. "Don't what, laugh?"

His fingers grab your jaw tightly, forcing you to look behind you.

"Don't stop lookin', doll"

Joel slips the tip of his cock into you, his hands grabbing your waist to steady you. He looks at you through the mirror, seeing your dazed eyes, waiting as you bite your lip.

"That's it, good girl" he praises, purring against your ear. You see his face go down and lick the side of your neck before sinking his teeth in it. "Gonna reward you for'at"

Your mouth falls agape when he fully pushes his cock inside of you, burying himself to the limit in the first thrust. You moan, stretch wet pussy trying to adjust to his girth. He groans, his hips moving back and forth with yours, to meet his thrusts.

"R-right there" you whimper, feeling eyes starting to water. It had been a long day, and with his cock buried deep inside you, you can't think of anything else: just him―like this, for the rest of your life; you don't need more. "Fuck, don't stop"

His thumb rubs across your cheekbone, capturing a tear that had slipped past your foggy mind in a brittle moment of vulnerability, brown eyes flickering with something else. It could be.

We could be.

"Fuck, you cryin' over this cock, doll? What'a fuckin' slut" he laughs incredulously, but there's a hidden fondness to it. "S' that how good 'm makin' you feel?"

You can only moan, his dick harder now, his infatuation with your fucked-out state evident in the way his movements become more hectic.

"Can't even speak? What'a dirty minx inside 'tis sexy little body"

"Mhm" you blabber, tears running hot down your cheeks, landing on the mattress in fat droplets, noticeable through the reflection even. Joel stares back at your puffy eyes, devotion pouring at your glossy gaze, coated in a faint red tint, more pronounced from your earlier cries. Fuck. Never did he think your lambent eyes and sniffle sounds could turn him on this much. Something about him being the cause of it has his head spinning.

"New rule" he growls, "you keep those pretty red eyes lookin' at me when you cum"

You whimper at his words, the powerful aura they carry pushing your orgasm closer to the edge. You feel your tight folds clenching around his cock, hands holding to his back while your nails dig in it. You feel yourself approaching your release, multiple tears escaping down your cheekbone. In an obscene gesture, it isn't his thumb but his tongue what removes the wet stream from your body, feeling the salty drops on his tastebuds.

You were already so worked up, it was a matter of seconds before you could cum at any moment. Your walls clench around his length, and before you can process, Joel pulls your body up, caging your tits until they're pressed against his soft chest. You face the white paint of your wall, and Joel can see your back in the mirror as he's still buried inside of you. You gasp at the change in position, all of the sudden, a painfull delicious sensation flooding your senses.

"You're gonna cum, aren't ya', doll?" Joel's asking, hot breath nestled in your neck.

"Hmh" you barely manage to blurt as he fucks into you harder, your arms clutching onto him. You were being so loud now that you were sure you'd get at least one noise complain, hoping it stays there; if they found out not only had you been fucking, but with a fourty year old man who happpened to be the father of your bestfriend, you'd probably get expelled. "So close..."

"You know?" he whispers, voice fragile over the sound of your pants and worked up breaths. "I was scared, ealier. M' sorry you had to see that" your body trembles, making you close your eyes. "But I need ya' to know, for'a moment, I did think about having a kid with you"

Your forehead drips with sweat, mixing with the sodium of your tears.

"Maybe in 'nother life, huh?"

Your heart feels like it's about to burst when he sloppily kisses you, as to prevent any words come out of your mouth―humilliating or full of regret, avoiding the heart ache of a rejection. Joel, for a moment, lets his heart wander off to territories he shouldn't, thinking of things he should leave to be. Joel digs his hole deeper, but he doesn't care: he just wants to be the best grave in your cementery.

"Maybe" you answer, but it sounds like a possibility, the promise of a foolish mind betraying the guarded hidden hope.

"Fuck, Joel" you bury your face against his soft pecs, your orgasm crashing over you. Your whine comes our rather loud, trying to drown the sound against his body. He doesn't stop holding you on his arms, firm; you'd probably fallen if he didn't.

"Wait for me, doll. 'M close"

"Please" you plead, kissing his jaw. "Need you. Want to feel you, Joel"

Not daddy, but his name. I want you. I need you. Want to feel you; for you to fill me. He groans, rhythm sloppy as he crashes his lips into yours. he should stop, especially after today's events, but God, his traitorous head is filled with images of you, belly round with his child, one carved to be the spitting image of you.

Do it.

You moan inside his mouth when you feel him finish inside of you, thick, your fingers running through his dark greying hair damp with sweat.

"M' right here" he says his words from earlier, and you feel yourself hugging him to keep his body next to yours even as he pulls out.

"I know" you hum, arms around his neck. "Thank you for coming"

"What of both?"

You let out a laugh.

"Jesus, Joel" but your tone is devoid of malice, adquiring that layer to it, just like his own. There's a shift in the air, and if you felt it before, now you know there's no point of return. "You sure are something else"

dts: @ann-gell; angél de mi corazón, tkm mucho, gracias por llegar a mi vida, ah.

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

[nervousapricout]

=I'm really glad you guys liked this au!

I had a bit more motivation and energy today so i another part to it.. I hope this one is satisfactory!=

=I tried my best! I've never really written much stuff much less posted it! I might change or edit this though haha=

(light angst? Idk)

___

The dark saint Tang bō.. Feared throughout the central plains, second only to the plum blossom sword saint himself...

The dark saint..

Dark saint My ass! Tang bo the feared man has been reborn into a white marten..he'd beaten most of the beasts of where he was from until they obeyed him until he spotted those disciples

Disciples belonging to his hyung-nims sect, Mount Hua..

One of those disciples had caught his eye.. A disciple that looked so alike to his late friend the sword saint.. It made his heart ache for a while after seeing them

Until an idea came into his head.. A spark..

He needed to go with them, he had no idea where this urge came from it reminded him of the first time he had met his hyung

And it only made his determination to follow them burn brighter.. Tang bō was quite sure this would be a lot more easier

After all..

it had taken Tang bō months of following, being beat up, and trying to bribe the sword saint with alcohol and food for his hyung to admit they were friends

Trying to make some disciples bring him along should be quite easy... Shouldn't it?

_____

A cold wet lake.. He sunk his teeth into a giant fish

The dark saint who was reborn into a marten not just a marten a female one

He was starting to think the world hated him, I mean if you're going to make him an animal at the very least let him be a man!

Ugh.. Did that make him a woman?

No it isn't the time to think a about this..

It was cold he was holding his breath.. The dark saint Tang-bō was being used as fish bait..

Seriously.. The thought made him seethe how dare they use him as bait! He was the dark saint!..

Ah.. It was so cold..

He felt himself being tugged.. He was quickly pulled out of the freezing cold..

"KEEE!" baek ah as he'd been renamed

Screamed annoyed

'I am the dark saint! Hwo dare you use me as bait!' he'd hiss

In the distance he could see the other disciples..

The disciple's name the one who used him like fish bait was.. Cheong myeong

-looking at him hurt him so much, why did he have to have the same name as that man?-.. It made his heart ache in pain sometimes making himself feel hollow..

(a smile that seemed to come straight from hell.. a green ribbon.. A broken promise.. A sword in his chest..)

('you're not allowed to die.. ')

(The voice of something desperate..whispers

He pretends not to hear it..)

He shook his head as he headed inside the house along with the others they had been welcomed to, until they left..

No point in worrying about the past anymore. It's not going to change anything at all anyway. The past was the past there was no changing that... You just had to move forward..

No matter how much it hurt staying in the past would only hurt him more..

___

Tang-bō had been sitting in a chair beside a bed, his hand intertwined with the one resting in the bed..

Cheong myeong the idiotic, selfless bastard of a taoist... No matter how bad his personality was he'd always be a taoist..

He had been running around the central plains fighting battle after battlewith no rest.. It had gotten harder for Tang-bō to treat him insisting that it was fine and that time would just heal it.. That would always start an argument between them

Ah... Stupid martial artists thinking time would heal their wounds..

He had seen the look in his hyung's eyes as town after town he saved begged him, the strongest man in the world to end the war.. That damn taoist would never take time for himself

His hands shook as he gripped the hand in his, before he slowly relaxed his grip..

Stupid, stupid man. He had the worst personality of any person Tang-bō knew yet he was also the kindest..

(Sometimes he wished he wasn't)

..

(Sometimes he wished his hyung would just be selfish enough to leave.. To runaway let himself rest. Let his bo-ya treat him)

(sometimes he wished the same sapa's that his hyung hunted... He wished that their selfishness would seep into his hyung so he'd at least care about himself too..)

Tang-bō sat by the swordsaints side after the man had collapsed out of exhaustion

..

Tang-bō doesn't think he could forget the way his hyung's eyes softened and fell towards him as if he instinctively knew he could trust him..

Stupid.. Stupid man..

(Tang-bō feels something like water land on his palm but he does not pay it any mind..)

....

=I hope I did well! Thank you for anyone reading this!=

=I've been reading some of sinking sheep's work so some parts of this probably got inspired from their works! (╥⩊​╥)=

[r8kirani]

thinking about how when I was a kid and played harvest moon games and iou know how there's like bachelors and bachelorettes and shit right. anyways yeah I'm thinking back to when I was a kid playing tree of tranquility and I was like debating in my head all the like male candidates just deciding based on pure like, frivolous details like Oh he likes this he likes that idk because I mean i didn't really care about any of them past that but I still wanted to romance Somebody bc I was like idk 8? maybe older? pure sentimental love was just really on the mind. and I eventually decided Toby because idk he's a nature lover that's cool I like nature too. and he's super easy you just need to give him fish and he fucking loves it (eventually became a pattern for me see: Elliot stardew and Dylas RF4). but like in the middle of that I was always thinking about this girl in the game named Renee who was a farm girl that liked animals and how much I wanted to get closer to her, so I would try! I did try with gifts and stuff. and I thought she was really pretty and I wished we could be capable of being "best friends" in the game but wasn't sure of what that meant or what I wanted from her exactly. I thought maybe I wanted to be her. because like I was also a girl who really liked animals a lot. but then one day while trying to visit toby I witnessed a heart event between him and her and learned that apparently the more you befriend a bachelor your same gender the more they will grow close to a different bachelor and marry them? like rivals. and hers just happened to be toby too. and in that moment I felt like, some weird mixture of feelings, maybe jealousy? or irritation? because I chose toby first. I didn't think she should marry him. I didn't think she should marry anybody actually. So I stopped talking to her completely. I would see her every now and then and some part of me wanted to really interact with her but I felt too much fear and maybe a bit of hatred for her. anyways Toby and I got married in the game. I still didn't talk to her even if it was safe now. Marriage was cool but even as a stupid kid I Eventually got sick of Toby's lovey dove dialogue. I still played on a lot though cos I was hoping for my character to get a baby soon. I'd eye the way the tobyrenee baby looked like on the wiki sometimes. we never did though! and then I grew up from the Wii. anyways that's my story

[gaylienz]

sharing some of my ocd intrusive thoughts for the first time jic it might help someone else feel less alone;

the fear that i dont have enough friends and that all the ones i have are going to realize i’m not worth being around were some of the first thoughts that would NOT leave my mind and would keep me up and make me sick and ironically caused me to lose friends (a self fulfilling prophecy). tbh these are still some feelings i struggle with despite carrying on years long friendships now.

it hasn’t happened in a while but sometimes i would hyper focus on my breathing or swallowing or blinking etc and would drive myself to the point of tears with how it took up all my attention

the worst ones are the thoughts about incest. there’s been a lot of sexual trauma in my family and my brain likes to find the worst moments (like when i’m trying to jerk off or sleep) to remind me and torture me with all the what ifs. its gotten slightly better but i would have dreams/nightmares and memories from childhood haunt me

i used to do this really cool (/sarcasm) thing where i would be so self conscious about my race, being white-passing, and racist (aka a potential threat to any poc around) that it circled right back around to being super racist (another self fulfilling stupid prophecy) bc i would get nervous anytime someone not-white was around that they would be anxious about my presence….

classic suicidal thoughts even when im not feeling suicidal (something goes wrong even a little bit—my brain: well this wouldnt have happened if you were dead. me: wow thanks) even now today im struggling with the awful 'im gonna kill myself' jokes. trying to replace with 'i need rat bites to live' lol

the way i dealt with the obsessions was a combo of things which never really felt compulsive but now i see they might be? i used to read a lot. like to the point where i would skip meals and be inside for the entire day, unmoving. i liked reading but mostly it was how i kept my mind busy and away from other more dangerous thoughts.

i guess body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRBs) are a thing with ocd which i didnt always know—basically its really gross and im ashamed of it but i autocannibalise….i’ve been doing so for as long as i can remember but im so ashamed i’ve never really talked about it bc i just thought i was disgusting (and maybe i am) but i catch myself doing it without thought which i believe is impulse (or habit?) idk but it hurts my body so probably would be considered mildly concerning? i've pulled out my hair and given myself many scars through this kind of stuff.

anyway just letting you know that you're not alone, don't be afraid to ask for help, and if that doesnt work then never give up and keep asking for help, be excellent to each other you never know what someone is experiencing <3

[osarina]

Hey hey hello!!

I know you are feeling down the past days but I hope it turns all better for you <3 especially with that upcoming trip :)

I don't know if you saw my previous ask or not but I forgot to mention how the song I recommend earlier [ilomilo-billie eilish] fitted much better after the reader in badlands died rather than before...my stupid mind remembered this info after I hit ask and I couldn't stop worrying about it 😅

I also had a little idea of uu!dazai sharing hos own memories of the reader and their death before his own to badlands!dazai before he jumped :'( and badlands dazai freaking out before calming down vowing in his heart to protect the reader just to fail and then get dejavu (*evil laugh*) don't know if this bit is useful to you in that promised last fic of badlands or not but just wanted to share this :D

It could be annoying but I really feel like you should have more appreciation of your way of writing. Not just the characters, but how you write thoughts, feelings, dialogue and even the background scenes are fantastic. I also really like fics that match the vibe of the character it's written about. This is subtley shown in your writing especially with dazai. Even in the happiest fluffy fics, I feel like it always has this light melancholy feel which I hate and love at the same time. I hope you achieve whatever you want to!

Omg This is so long💀 I am so sorry if it was annoyingly long cause I was nervous abt sending you an ask and if I ever do it, then all of those repressed asks come tumbling down and God I am getting embarrassed so byee fyo :>

TUMBLR USER SNOWSILVER2000 AGAIN, im sorry im so slow at answering asks LOLLL i fear that i am the worst forgive me. im sending u all of the love my sweet lil lovebug

OMG I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO LISTEN YET SO NOW ILL BE SURE TO KEEP THAT IN MIND WHEN LISTENING <33 see its a good thing sometimes that im abysmally slow at answering asks.

OH MY GODDDDDDD UU DAZAI SOMEHOW BEING ABLE TO WARN BADLANDS DAZAI OF EVERYTHING AND BADLANDS DAZAI STILLLL NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP IT ?? THAT'S SO TRAGIC ILL WEEP, no because i imagine badlands dazai would also be soo overwhelmed by all of the memories too, like idk if you mean uu!dazai shares ALL of his memories with badlands!dazai or only about badlands!reader and what he knows of her ... but could u imagine he shares all of his memories and now badlands dazai has to cope with the fact that he gets reader killed in every universe .. maybe distances himself from her ... and then it all turns out that way anyway ... UGHHHHH waterloo is sooooo tragic. i love tragic romance.

tumblr user silversnow2000 you are so sweet i'll actually cry. that's actually something i try to keep in mind, especially while writing for dazai, because i feel like even in his happiest moments, he'll always be a bit withdrawn and solemn. imo dazai will never rid himself of that air of melancholy that follows him and it genuinely makes me so happy to hear that it translates into my fics. but truly tumblr user silversnow2000 you are so kind to me this was the sweetest compliment anyone has ever given to me, im straight up about to print this and like hang it on my wall for real.

DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE AND DON'T EVER HESITATE TO COME INTO MY ASKBOX, i might take forever to answer them, but they always make me so happy and warm. you're always sooooo happily welcomed here trust <3

[tefmiles]

alright so this is gonna be stupid sounding because i’m like. not bothering to go and get actual examples and stuff from the transcripts but i might if i make a mistake writing this 😭 anyways. i havveee been seeing people talking about cecil and carlos and particularly how carlos is like. a shitty guy and i’d like to try and explain how people might be getting that idea but also explore the fact that he’s not a shitty guy. i think, foremost, what makes carlos appear like he’s not a good person is his secrecy, his self-isolation from others, his tendency to run away from problems, and IMPORTANTLY his sudden/irrational desision making. 

i’d first off like to say part of carlos’s character is defined by how kinda inconsistent finknor writes him. that’s often, atleast to me, why he seems impulsive, because we don’t get a lead up to his big moments ( ie, the dow decision ). but also to me i know that he has ptsd!!! and he’s autistic!!, which isn’t actually brought up a lot by people when talking about him so it makes sense that like him always being away from people and always keeping secrets and lying with his actions comes off as just being shitty. 

carlos isolates and runs away and keeps secrets because of his past and because of fear ( and a little bit of autism if you ask me ). and he is hurting people by doing this. but he also has heart. and he is written as a very genuine person. he has extreme confliction and lots of things going on that as the listener we do not know about… i don’t think he’s awful. i think he’s got lots going on and he’s a bit of a victim of just how. finknor wrote him and continue to write him. playing him as a the villain is kinda fucked up especially when people say “ he treats cecil so bad!!! “…… girl you must consider they have a very complex relationship and neither of them are perfect. i would also add that like in early seasons carlos was definitely elevated above other characters by cecil and now that that has changed, and we see more of him and not just him being “ perfect “, the listeners view of him changes. 

i don’t think carlos is a bad person but i think his actions come off as bad because he is incredibly determined to make sure that things are safe. that things are solved. in it devours, carlos suddenly decides to kill the smiling god after wanting to preserve it to study it. he makes that sudden decision because the damage of what the animal can do outweighs his scientific intrigue. the same notion of him switching between ideas happens often. sometimes he doesn’t realize what he is doing is hurting others, like when his machine is what causes the tremors in it devours. like how in order to preserve a feeling of safety, in order to not have to deal with actually acknowledging his fears, he keeps the 10 years a secret from cecil. 

idk how to end this bitch i wrote this in my notes app ok gootbye

[spilledmilkfkdies]

PART 2: Outside the Circle Edition

Hiii we're back, I slept and now my hair is bleached. The events are unrelated, but imagine if they weren't. Let's continue <3 This one might be a bit more controversial than the last one, because unlike with the wizard x wizard ships, there are certain ones that I do dislike this time around. I'm not sure to what extent I've said some of these things before, I used to be kinda scared of. Having opinions. It be like that sometimes idk

I'm gonna start with some Black Circle x Major fairy thoughts, because I have those! There's some interesting ones!!

Sibylla x Gantlos has some incredible art, genuinely adorable. I don't mind them at all. Actually I think I've seen Sibylla with a couple of them, but her and Gantlos >> imo. Nebula has been shipped as well, I remember at least Ogron x Nebula and Duman x Nebula, but there might be more idk. It sure is interesting, can't deny that, especially depending on when the relationship happens. Ig that'd be the case with all wizard x terrestrial fairy ships though- There are way more combinations than I'm listing rn, but I just wanna say. Making Anagan specifically someone's ex. Would be extremely funny to me. Bonus points if it's Diana.

Moving on to wizards x specialists. Those have entered my peripheral a couple of times.

I've come across Ogron x Helia, like once. Doesn't do anything for me, but if we're asking what I know? There you go. Add it to the list ig. There's also Riven x Duman (duriven), some of their art serves cunt fr, it has no right to do that. But I once had a joke conversation with someone about them sharing a dad and now I think about that sometimes when the topic of them comes up. Maybe they could have a funny friendship, but I haven't consumed any Riven content in a hot minute so who knows. Another one I actually have something to say about is Anagan x Duman x Timmy?? Terrorised by both of them the whole season, which isn't the dealbreaker, but. I already made this joke in the previous part idc Duman and Anagan really pulled a "My boyfriend and I love your vibe fr" on his ass, that's what this feels like. Intrigued! Timmy’s gonna get eaten alive though. Poor guy.

Anyway! I'm generally not the biggest fan of shipping them with specialists, maybe I just don't know enough idk- However. I cannot move on without mentioning. The dreaded Nabu x Duman (naman). Now, I don't remember who started it, not counting the fics that already existed, but I know who has been actively encouraging and enjoying this in my own social circle. So really it's her fault. The ship is funny to me, I can't say it's not. Just something about Duman going "I'd love a man that could destroy me. Like just straight up kill me lol." and it being TRUE, because mind you, Nabu killing him is a vital part of this ship. It's so stupid fr. 2/10 I do recommend.

Next is the big one. Black Circle x Winx. Ngl I struggle to keep track of all the combinations I've seen at this point, also fear having to make a part 3 so I'm just gonna. Speedrun through a couple.

Least offensive, so to say, is probably Flora x Anagan (floranagan?). I don't ship it, but I get why others might! Flora x Ogron (flogron??) has a fair bit of stuff as well, that one I get slightly less, but Flora slay ig? I don't really like any of Musa's ships, I know she at least has Musa x Gantlos and Musa x Duman, but eh. They're not for me. Neither is Duman x Tecna, I think about that combination sometimes. Also legally cannot move on without at least mentioning Stella x Duman (dumella). Duman gets around for REAL. Still interesting as a duo, but in terms of shipping I could really take or leave them. They're fine, but I'm sticking with a platonic route if any at all.

Most of these I'm just. Not the biggest fan of. Wouldn't say I'm a straight up hater, but you're probably never gonna see content of it from me, y'know??

What I am a hater of, a proud hater, is Ogron x Roxy. Some people say the winx are too young, that's fair, sure- But Roxy?? That is a CONFIRMED teenage girl. Shipped with a facial-hair-having man. At least an adult, possibly centuries old. Same goes for Roxy x Duman as well btw, the points still apply, minus the facial hair. Not a fan at all. It's a shame too, because there's plenty of fun dynamics you can try out with them that don't involve romance. Actually that goes for a lot of Black Circle x whoever outside the Circle ships.

Enter stage left, Black circle x other villains.

Starting off with the Trix, and kinda speedrunning them too, a lot of their ships I’d prefer to keep platonic as well, I think that could be fun. Don’t really get where Ogron x Stormy came from, they’re like the least likely duo to me. Maybe that’s the appeal, maybe I should brush up on my Trix knowledge. Darcy could probably have some fun dynamics as well, but again, not necessarily in a romantic way. I’ve seen her pull both Anagan and Duman though, go off bestie. Actually so has Stormy. At the same time. Icy’s ships are kinda meh to me in this, I’ve seen a couple, they just don’t really click for me. They should all hang out though, the general collab potential isn’t lost on me.

Next up! Valtor. Lots of people out here making them fight, which, valid!! But have you considered. All of them getting brunch. The Black Circle inviting Valtor over for tea. Give the man some wizard friends. Valtor x Ogron is kinda fun, but they lowkey strike me as a couple that would never last long term. If that makes sense. Public apology for Valtor x Duman (dumaltor) btw. One day I’ll explain how that happened and my involvement. Pinky promise, I still have a ship bingo to bring back so I’ll do it there.

Dishonourable mention to ships with Kalshara. Sort of honourable mention to Ogron x Jason, not a villain ship but idk where else to put it. Brought up by a friend, they’re facial hair besties, it’s fun and silly.

I’m leaving it at this for now. Remember! Do NOT underestimate the power of friendship!! Also pls don’t block me byeeeee

[manda-kat]

i have a creative question for you actually, idk if this is something you can help me with but how do you become obsessed with your characters? i think part of my slow writing progress is just that i'm not so excited about the project that i go out of my way to make time for it

Honestly that's one of my big problems too. Usually the reason I switch between projects so much is because I get bored of the current one. But I can tell you the things I do right before I get excited again and maybe they'll be a good place to start at least.

So I usually will be listening to music and imagining my character's singing or being animated to the song. That's a pretty common one I think.

I also do that thing where I imagine scenarios with my characters as I'm in bed trying to fall asleep. Usually I either imagine whatever happens next in the story (getting some work done in advance!) But other times I'll imagine things I know would never happen and only suit the mood I'm in. Because sometimes my mood isn't suited to the characters I want to think about. So if I want a story about a zombie apocalypse my characters can do that for a bit. Or if I want to have that story where they're trapped in the snow and have to cuddle for warmth. Or maybe two characters have a contrived reason why they absolutely have to kiss each other and- Uh. Yeah normal things. Not bad fanfic about my own characters.

I'm also down to change them at a moments notice if I think it'll make them more enjoyable to me. My tastes have changed and I don't find the same joy in ideas I used to love. Happy, for example, has gone through a ton of iterations and because of it I still want to stare at him doing stupid little things because he makes me happy. I've changed his backstory so many times. He started as a punchline in a comic strip. A bad comic strip. Then he became a vaguely fruity stalker, a cute sidekick, a traumatized punching bag, the comic relief, a blatantly fruity stalker and now he's whatever he is now. I may change him again tomorrow if I feel like it. Obviously with something I intend to publish I have to get some sense of canon, but I try not to become attatched to details that may be holding me back from being obsessed.

Also I base a lot of my OCs off of dreams I have. I think that also means they have connections to my subconscious fears and concerns.

I also try to watch or read things that are similar in genre or style so I get more inspired.

I don't know if any of this helps. I'm not sure I'm great when it comes to motivation considering starting and stopping projects again is my brand at this point. Honestly- you made your characters for a reason so there's something in them that tickles your brain just right. So if you're not feeling it, maybe chop them open and find those things and then make those parts bigger and more catered to your personal brand of obsession. That'll probably also help you build charaterization when writing too. Idk.

Anyway- goodest of luck on the writing! Thank you so much for saying such amazingly nice things to me! I treasure you!

[robertphilip]

Hey! What about some fluffy hurt/comfort headcanons for Robselle? If you want to obvs! :) :)

lmao I typed these, then realized I was mostly just writing angsty headcanons I have, so these don't really fit in the "fluffy hurt/comfort" category, but I'll post them anyway :]

I headcanon that Giselle's pregnancy was pretty hard on her, and stressful, and Robert was always there to make sure she was taken care of. He made sure she got enough sleep/rest, gave her massages whenever she needed them (even if it meant waking up at 3am to give one), and held her a lot. She really needed to be held.

I also headcanon that there was a short period of time where Giselle just couldn't get Sofia to stop crying, no matter how hard she tried. That, combined with Morgan's change in behavior, really took a toll on her, and she started to feel like she wasn't a very good mom. Robert does his best to assure her that she's a wonderful mother, and that Sofia's crying, and Morgan's behavior aren't her fault. I wrote a fic about him comforting her during a small breakdown, but it's very rough atm, and idk when I'll ever finish it rip.

This is based loosely off a scene from one of the scripts, but Giselle is very aware of how some people view her. She knows when people think she's "crazy" or "stupid", and when they treat her like a joke. She tries really hard to not let it get to her, but it isn't always easy to ignore.

They are each other's go-to person for comfort, and the only person they ever really breakdown in front of. (that scene in Disenchanted when Giselle says she "used to be good at things" is truly the Scene of All Time to Me, I wish their little moment was longer)

After the spell broke, Robert had a lot of anxiety about losing Giselle (again!!) and his daughters, whiiiich I wrote about here (x). I've been trying to write more about this topic, because his story wasn't really... resolved or even really touched on in the movie, and it makes me sad. It takes him awhile, and a lot of reassuring from Giselle that everyone is fine, but he eventually feels more at ease as time passes.

Related to that ^ I headcanon he had anxiety after almost losing her the first time too. He never told Giselle about it, but he'd have nightmares about losing her again pretty often, and will sometimes wake up and rest his forehead against her chest softly just to make sure her heart is still beating.

I also think, when they first started dating, Robert worried he wasn't good enough for Giselle, and wondered if she regretted staying with him. He'd make jokes in passing, but there was a bit of true fear behind his words. This is another headcanon I really want to write about, but I can't ever get it right. Some day... some day!!

[theteasetwrites]

The Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon | S1E3 Thoughts

⚠️ SPOILERS AHEAD ⚠️ do not read below the cut unless you’re okay with spoilers

Positive Thoughts

I’m writing this like over a week after watching it so forgive me if I forget some stuff

Anyway… Daryl hot

I loved the Demimonde night club!! The vibes were super fun. I’ll be honest, I was very skeptical about the night club when I first heard about it, but I think they pulled it off really believably.

Loved the use of the catacombs. It’s so cool that the night club is actually located underground in the catacombs, too.

Daryl being absolutely done when they were talking about using the pigeons… so good

Laurent is pretty cute when he gets all happy seeing that photo of his mom 🥹 I like when he excitedly shows Daryl the photo

Isabelle seems so real and raw to me especially in this episode when she freezes up when the walkers show up. I love that she is having a real human reaction (fear). I feel like some people would call her “weak,” but I love it. It’s realistic because even those who are experienced with walkers would sometimes freeze up and get scared. It’s only human

Sylvie and that guy (I forgot his name sorry) are cute together… 👀 I hope neither of them die lol

I love Daryl’s perspective with wanting Laurent to be treated like a regular kid. I think it makes sense for him to want that for Laurent, and he’s right! I don’t think he should be treated like the messiah, but then again, Isabelle and Sylvie actually believe it, so I understand where they’re coming from too

Daryl saying “fuck this guy” about Quinn… I nutted 😮‍💨

Negative Thoughts

Again, don’t read if you can’t handle me being potentially a bit petty and complaining about stupid shit

Laurent is annoying me again. I just kinda hate the whole “I’m so smart I know so much” know-it-all stuff. I KNOW HES A KID but still. I’m allowed to find him annoying ok. And lowkey the fact that everyone thinks he’s so special bugs me idk why lol

Kinda wished they could’ve utilized the catacombs a bit more but maybe they’ll do that later idk

Neither Positive Nor Negative Thoughts

The pigeon thing… some are speculating that it was hinting at Daryl thinking about C*rol. Yeah I don’t subscribe to that belief

[fl3shm4id3n]

ᵢₜ'ₛ ₒₖₐy ₜₒ ₙₒₜ Bₑ ₒₖₐy

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞. 𝐒𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ʀ���ᴄᴏᴍ ʟᴏᴘᴇᴢ x ꜰᴇᴍ! ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ/ᴀᴠᴀᴛᴀʀ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ (ʀᴏᴍᴀɴᴛɪᴄ ᴏʀ ᴘʟᴀᴛᴏɴɪᴄ)

Tw: swimming pool, forgeting to eat and drink water, reader is sad, emotional, comfort, a bit of crying, hugging, fluff.

A/N: idk why my emotions have been off the chain lightly, so I wanted to do a comfort fic with my favorite Recom.

P.s. like the title of the story, it's okay to not be okay, remember to take a break and take care of yourselves. You deserve it♡

Masterlist

You didn't know what was happening the past few days, you couldn't explain why you felt the way you did. You thought it was fine to feel the way you did, sure those days weren't the best, but everyone has bad days that was all.

The base that you were in has pools, they were used for swim training and other stuff. You'd often go to the pools for a swim at night when it was empty. The water made you feel relaxed. You began to go to the pool more often, you'd even go to the pool on your brake even if it was just to dip your feet in the water.

It got worse, you felt as if you weren't doing enough or that you were screwing up a lot. You had to keep yourself from crying In front of your coworkers. You felt as if crying for the little things was stupid and that others would see as a crybaby. So you didn't cry, as soon as you felt tears threatening to leave your eyes you'd rub your face and repeat that you were fine and everything was fine.

Not only that but sometimes your temper would get the best from you. Sometimes you just grow frustrated and take your anger out of whoever, soon after you'd apologize for your outburst and be by yourself for the rest of the day, fearing that you'd lose your temper again.

Sometimes you don't even eat properly or drink water. When you'd get hungry you'd just think about eating later and going back to work. You ate very little food and called it a day. As for drinking water, you'd have a small sip or just not drink anything. It was okay you thought.

At night it was hard to get sleep, sometimes you'd just lay on your bed staring at the ceiling, thinking of how long it'll take for you to get some shut eye. The majority of the time you'd sleep for at least two or three hours, sometimes you couldn't sleep at all, it sucked. But again, you thought it was fine. It was normal for everyone to feel the way that you did... Right?

That day was just like any other, the day felt slower than most, you didn't feel like working but did so anyway, you haven't eaten or drank, you barely drank any water and you only got two hours of sleep. It sucked but it was fine, you had been busy in your work not noticing how one of the Recom's has been watching you.

Lopez has been noticing how your behavior has changed for the last few days. He noticed how you'd get frustrated easily, tried your best not to cry, how you didn't eat or drink, and how you looked just tired of everything. He knew something was wrong with you, he felt horrible seeing you basically ruining yourself in the presence of everyone, and no one seemed to notice but him. He couldn't keep letting you live like this.

It was night time, everyone was asleep or in their rooms. You were at the pools, the only lights that were on were of the blue lights under the water. It looks pretty. You had your feet dipped in the cold water, just staring at the clear water that is blue tanks to the light. You were focused on the water that you didn't hear when Lopez entered room.

"Hey" he made himself known, you turned to see the blue avatar approaching you. He was shirtless and wore a pair of sleeping shorts. "Oh, hey Lopez" you said with a sad looking smile, trying to hide your unhappiness with it. "Mind if I join you?" He asked and tapped the tile floor next to you. Lopez went over and sat next to you, dipping his feet in the water.

It was silent at first, then he spoke. "This place is nice, there's no yelling or anyone in here to bother" he mentioned, you nodded in agreement. "Why are you up? Couldn't sleep?" You asked curiously, since he never really came to the pools this late. "I could ask you the same thing." He said with a playful smile. You felt your stomach turn into a knot and avoided the question a bit. "Yeah, it was a long day today." You said a bit embarrassed.

Lopez noticed his instantly nervous you got. He then scooted closer to your side, then he pulled you close to him giving you a side hug. This surprised you a bit, one of the scariest looking Recom was hugging? Wow, you doubt anyone would believe you. "It's okay you know" he said, this caught your attention and looked up at him. Locking eyes with his yellow ones. "What do you mean?" You asked. But he repeated himself. "It's okay y/n" he said again, but this time he said your name.

One more time but this time he said it more softly. "It's okay y/n" he repeated. Then you felt your eyes beginning to water, then you basically threw yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his strong torso. Allowing yourself to cry onto his warm muscled chest. Lopez wrapped his arms around your frame and stroked your hair. Allowing you to cry and just let everything out. "It's okay" he said again as you sobbed.

It felt great, letting out what you had been feeling for days. It was suffocating you, but now you felt relieved. You stayed glued to his chest until you felt better. He didn't seem to mind that you had basically cried a river on him. "I'm sorry about that" you said wiping your face with the hem of your shirt and even cleaned the snot that had run down your nose. "It's okay, don't worry about it." Lopez said with a soft smile on his lips. "If you ever need to talk to someone or just let everything out, just let me know." He said, making you smile at him. "Thanks Lopez, I really appreciate it" you said still wiping the tears off away with your shirt.

[ghoste-catte]

hi! I'm not sure if this is an odd question but do you ever experience anxiety when it comes to sharing your fics and if so, how do you deal with that? I used to enjoy writing but somehow I got stuck in a loop where I avoid sharing my works out of fear that others will judge what I create but this also keeps me from improving at all. I know content creators are generally told to not worry about making mistakes and that it's also part or the process but I find this is easier said than done.. (this makes me respect any kind of artist so much more tbh. like, I think the worst kind of pressure is the one you put onto yourself and idk how others deal with that?) anyways, thanks for reading, I'm a big fan of yours 🙏🥰

Not an odd question at all!

When I first started writing fic as an adult, I had horrible anxiety about it. I had written maybe 10 "fics" as a teenager, but they were all really short or something stupid I had written with friends. So when I dipped my toes back into fanfic in my 20s, I had to sit in complete isolation in my bedroom, with the door closed, with headphones in. Even though my wife knew I was writing fic, I absolutely could not have her in the room with me. When I first started, I was so mortified that I'd just write G and L if I was handwriting in a notebook, just in case someone inexplicably saw it.

For me, what helped me get over that escalating anxiety and actually post the damn thing was twofold:

I joined an event, where I had assigned prompts and an assigned posting date, so I felt a sense of external pressure and obligation to post.

I had been rolling Hanakotoba around in my head for literal years, and I really did want people to read it.

I do understand the feeling of vulnerability with taking the text and putting it out there for others. There's often, for me at least (still to this day!), a feeling of apprehension about people being able to know things about me based on my work. I overcome this generally by writing for events, prompts, and other people. It both ups the pressure to actually produce and post something and feels a bit less vulnerable: no, see, I wrote this for something; this isn't just my personal id on display.

So if your issue is the mortifying idea of being known, we're lucky to live in a time where you have a few options:

You can post your fic to the Anonymous collection on Ao3, so that no one ties it to you specifically.

You can pick a username that doesn't link to any of your other usernames and not link your socials to the fic, leaving it fully pseudonymous.

You can turn off comments, screen comments, or disallow comments from guest users on Ao3.

You can post the fic and orphan it (though this removes any control you have over the fic like being able to edit or delete it).

You can post the fic with minimal tags (just 'Creator Chose Not to Warn' and a fandom), to reduce the likelihood of it being seen.

Add a disclaimer (even one of those silly tags like 'No beta; we die like Neji') or something in the author's note to let potential readers know how you're feeling. Something like: "Hey, this is my first time posting a fic, so I'm really nervous! Encouragement is very welcome." (The one thing I wouldn't suggest doing is putting something like, "I know this sucks!" - that does genuinely turn people off from reading.)

If your concern is the publication of judgment, I don't think you have much to worry about there. Fandom has largely moved away from a concrit culture (where public posting was automatically assumed to be an invitation for people to critique your work, sometimes harshly). I rarely see people leave critical comments on fic. That's not to say I've never seen them, but they're easy enough to delete and just not respond to.

On the other hand, if you're just worried about internet randos thinking things about you in their head but not saying anything ... I hate to not have very good advice about this, but it really is just something you have to let go. Just like you can't control what anyone thinks of you in real life, you can't control how they think of you or your work online. Your work isn't gonna be for everyone, and that's okay! What matters is that you like it or want to share it.

One last thing: There's no shame in writing for yourself and not publishing. You don't need to publish to improve. If improvement is your goal, check out writing advice blogs, pick apart the stories you like to find the things that make them work for you, and read voraciously. It's practice that leads to improvement, not publication.

Sorry for the essay. I hope this is helpful!!

[1d1195]

I kinda love how sometimes you work by writing out the ending first then the build up to it a bit later! Though I get how it can be hard to write it out!

Omg I didn’t even notice you mentioned a song rec😭 typically I read your descriptions but I forgot to read this one bc I was really excited 😭but the song is very fitting and idk how to explain it other than it does feel like a small town romance!

Omg Barbie and Ken being the OG fic characters is actually such a slay! And omg I HATED when kids said shit like omg like LET ME ENJOY IN PEACE!!! And in a way I’m glad Barbie has had a resurgence due to the movie because that movie broke me yet healed me lol

If you don’t have the same number of works or more that’s perfectly okay! You put out so much, FOR FREE MIND YOU and that’s more than enough! Life gets crazy and inspo sometimes can be low so really it’s okay ❤️

Yes i agree!!! Lots of people are lacking critical thinking skills and tbh I can go on about that! But I’m glad you’re trying to make your students at least aware how to do that!

It’s my second to last quarter! I’m probably just being dramatic since you’re right I did just get back from break lol I hope they get better too lol

I’m actually currently safe from the fires thankfully! Though where I live it is being monitored closely as the winds can be extremely dangerous if it gets bad! I think people don’t realize how NOT NORMAL having these kinds of wild fires during the WINTER is! Typically these happen during the summer time. And it’s so devastating and I have so many friends from the LA area and some have been affected so badly :( anyways that’s so sweet of you to check up on!

What color did you get your nails done?! Any cute designs?! And even if it’s an all amount of self care it’s still something! Hope you have an amazing start of the week! Sending lots of love 💕-💜

It doesn't always happen but I do feel like it happens a LOT to me. Idk. I get this little idea in my head for one specific little part and then I gotta build around it. I think Traditional I wrote like the middle of it and I would 10/10 would NOT recommend doing that ever again (except I did when I wrote Love & Dryer Sheets--but that came to me in a dream so I can't help that one). The middle is the worst. Dolcezza I started from the beginning I think. As did Ding. It all depends really. It's fun though when I write the ending first, it kind of gives me a goal and it's almost like the whole beginning doesn't matter. My OG bedtime fanfics (Nick Jonas, Edward Cullen, Zach, and Finn from a couple YA novel I read) didn't have endings. They were in perpetual middle parts and it was the WORST. So now when I have an ending I'm like "praise be the Lord."

No I honestly don't expect anyone to read the descriptions. I only put them there because I think it's the only thing keeping my blog alive. I skip right over them and then sometimes I forget I wrote stuff in there for y'all. I truly am going to miss TikTok for my song inspos and new music because I don't listen to the radio anymore and I think my students' music is trash lol

I felt slighted when the movie came out because I loved Barbie for so long I thought I was going to be obsessed forever and then my stupid elementary peers made me quit and now Barbie's back and I want to be like "YOU DON'T GET IT" but I gave up on it so that's on me for listening to kids. But now I obsess appropriately and you won't catch me letting 1D slip through my fingers. My sister's going to have to bury me with my 1D CDs and posters so I have it in the afterlife.

Well thank you. I just want to remain relevant (mostly because I don't know where else I would write and this is a massive outlet for me) so I fear that the # i produce is important. Which doesn't make sense at all. I'm a quality > quantity gal all the way.

You're not dramatic. This was the Monday-iest Monday ever. I'm exhausted. There's 4 more days of this shit? ugh. At least there's a long weekend. 2nd to last quarter though!!! We're getting there! Ahhhh!

I'm sorry to hear about your friends :( that's so awful. I didn't think of how this is abnormal due to the fact it's winter. It's so sad ugh :( I'm glad you're good for now and I hope it stays that way 💕

I can't remember if I told you, I'm real basic about my nails so it's just a winter blue with sparkles overlayed. No designs. The second one of my nails chip I peel them off. But I REALLY like them. I gotta do my toes next they look so gross lol. But my sister reminded me that no one is seeing my feet rn so it doesn't matter and I needed my nails done more.

Monday was long but overall fine. I feel like I'm getting a little overwhelmed with things and obligations but it's not terrible. I hope your week is smoother! Love you lots!!!

xoxo

[yiyika1929]

Idk if it's my sleep schedule being messed up (it probably is) but I'm buzzing with THOUGHTS rn about splatoon, so I'm gonna ramble for a bit.

So so, I just got all the diary entries and I had a realization while playing. You know how most of the members from team order can be considered introverts, whereas most of the members from team chaos can be seen as extroverts? Now listen, I know that may be a stupid realization, but that got me thinking.

Order's whole deal was the fact that it's member either struggled with change (had a difficulty adapting to new environments, life changes, etc) or didn't see a point in it (a bit of "if it's not broken, then there's no need to fix it" kind of mentality). So it makes sense for it's members to be somewhat introverts or have some difficulty interacting with people or, making friends. Like, I know everyone is different and not everyone reacts to change in the same way and that just because you are an extrovert it doesn't mean life and its changes are gonna be easier for you, but- BUT, that got me thinking.

And talking as an introvert myself, and someone who had issues with change, I can see why someone who has a hard time understanding or dealing with people may not be prepared for changes, and as a natural consequence may struggle with them.

People who know how to speak to others, how to befriend them and interact with them have a higher chance of making friends, of building support groups. You know, the kind of groups you can rely on when going through difficult times, when dealing with change.

So, it kind of makes sense that most members of team chaos would be either extroverts or just people who know how to... Well, people. As in, individuals who know how to socialize (which I think would be a more appropriate term).

I find it curious because it makes the whole narrative in side order more interesting (kinda sad it wasn't more explored). Like, the whole deal of being scared and alone, and pushing against change because you don't feel ready to deal with it and the world simply pushing back HARDER, leaving you confused and hurt ugh...

Idk, I'm having a lot of feelings about this damn game rn. Maybe the lack of sleep is finally getting to me.

It's just so sad to think about.

And that coupled with one of Pearl's lines about change being good. Like, yeah, it can be good, most of the time it is (thankfully). But, sadly, not all change is. Sometimes things change for the worse and it's horrifying and disturbing. So it's normal for some us to fear certain changes and resist them, specially if you're not used to them or don't know how to deal with them.

But, anyways, I still need to finish the dlc and see if more discussions about that topic come up.

[anosci]

Media Thread 2024

im making a list of media ive watched/played/etc this year with brief thoughts. its going to be far less featured than my music list, but still a bit long.

list below the cut

January

1/ Portal Revolution (2024) i went in expecting a very polished set of portal 2 styled test chambers. i was NOT expecting a story that captured my imagination very good experience

2/ The Ancient Magus' Bride (2017) every review i saw for this said it's bad. huh??. sure it's not perfect but i quite enjoyed it. a bit soft, a bit atmospheric, a bit girly. amazing job actually drawing me into a british fantasy setting.

3/ Violet Evergarden (2018) at worst, it feels a bit like its on rails, maybe eager to lose focus. but overall i rather enjoyed the story of the most traumatized girl in the world slowly learn to be human. idk if its "65th best anime ever" good, but… a lovely ride!

February

4/ Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit (2010) i heard this was somewhere between nfsmw 2005 (which i love) and burnout paradise (which i just Couldn't get into). i heard correctly. i fell in love with this. with the semi-open world. the daynight cycle and weather. and with drifting somehow! (but mostly weaving through traffic.) captivated. also worth mentioning: the cop mode was an interesting variation in gameplay. not my fav, but good.

March

5/ Titanfall 2 (2016) finally playing this and.. yeah I see why ppl were comparing it to HL2. I'm more "nodding along with this assessment" than feeling it, tho… idk. it's good but it doesn't resonate with me. the movement, though! that slaps! is this… schmoovement?

6/ Need for Speed: Heat (2019)

this was hard to get into, specifically because the pacing was just kinda... wack(?) for me anyway. plus a lot of other small little spots of friction. but it was never enough to turn me away (mw2012, burnout paradise)

by the end of the "storyline" races, i found myself having a good time. maybe a mixed bag, but well worth the 3 dollars or w/e it was.

April

May

7/ Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai (2018)

a damn good bait and switch. i feel the focus got a bit wobbly in the middle, but i found myself enjoying the overarching exploration of Puberty Syndrome nonetheless. i do not like tsundere but this was played honestly enough that i evaded cringing. the show is an interesting web of relationships centered around a bit of a straight shooter. i think it worked nicely, though i fear it wasn't focused enough to truly stick with me. i cant help but imagine a heavily trimmed version with just the first and final arc. that would've blown some socks.

8/ Rascal Does Not Dream of a Dreaming Girl (2019)

yeah the show was good enough that i watched the movie immediately after. (im not as interested in the 2nd movie tho.) i feel like i chugged a pint of stupid juice before watching this but i still followed the key plot points i think. is madoka genre? there's something satisfying about this explanation of the loose anime thread, though i think this might've worked better as The Anime (RE: trimming etc). a bit of kudos for giving some weight to "it was all just a dream"

9/ Kaguya-sama: Love is War (2019) this show is at its best when it's needlessly dramatic and convoluted. sometimes, it's brilliant. but, sadly, it also wants to stay in the episodic high school romcom genre, complete with serious pining. maybe that part's ok but it's surely not for me. i do not trust this to stay fresh for 3(?????) seasons.

June

10/ Dungeon Meshi (2024) i have the opposite of a soft spot for high fantasy stuff. hate it. this reeks of it. and yet, whenever im watching it, i am FULLY drawn into the world with a sense of wonder and anticipation. there were so many characters and all of them were delightful. my only real complaints were that, especially towards the end, the pacing was wack. feels like they chopped it to bits for the anime... and for what? a つづく? man... ill probably actually grab the manga.

July

11/ Hitoribocchi no OO Seikatsu (2019) it's cute before it's anything else. i was drawn in by a very relatable protagonist that literally has a panic attack first episode, but… that didn't last. I got 3 episodes in before deciding that the show isn't for me. the person that this show is for, though, i think is in for a treat. nako is alright.

12/ Ride Your Wave (2019)

very…. summer. maybe a little too bright for me (not literally but. vibe. ily.) i somehow missed the "supernatural" tag and wasn't sure how grounded to be, which was fun lol everything is connected in a satisfying way, but something didn't quite click for me. not sure what it was. or wasn't. i'd still call it a good watch

13/ Weathering with You (2019)

I saw a review of this that went as follows: "discout kimi no na wa". that's… almost right, but really reductive. it didn't hit as hard for me, but carried an atmosphere all of its own. i think its biggest weakness was deploying the damsel in distress trope for the climax. absolutely throwing away a lot of character development... second weakness was not leaning into the supernatural angle, but I also think that's 100% a matter of taste. I think the two could have been solved in one stone, but meh... aside from that: vibes were off the charts, and the art direction wall to wall great. every frame a painting etc

August

14/ Mother 3 (2006)

for the first time since November 2008 (apparently), I decided to revisit Mother 3.... via Lauren the Flute's Let's Play. I remember way back then that I thought M3 was a little weaker than EB for me. Revisiting it has solidified that opinion for me: It's super strong at some parts and really weak at others, to my taste at least. For the most part, everything I remembered as "my fav bits" from 16 years ago are my favorite bits today. To comment on Lauren's playthrough specifically: at glance, she seemed to be the most emotionally invested. and. yeah! It wasn't the best stream setup, but it was the most resonant. another LP of hers may appear here lol

September

October

15/ Beastars (2019)

Furry anime? "Yes", but the nontherian kind. Zootopia ass. This immediately had me suspicious from episode 1. But then, I kept trying to see if I was wrong. and the show kept delivering some fascinating symbols! the hype was back! and then it threw all of that away. "you were reading it backwards the whole time dumbass". augh. if I hadn't done that, I think it'd be an ok watch. what kills me is that some of the plot threads here would make an INCREDIBLE anime. but they withered away from a lack of focus as some really annoying threads were added instead. also the icky biological essentialism. what a terrible aftertaste. :(

props for having (half of) a really good sex scene though i guess? I was kinda impressed.

16/ Keep Your Hands off Eizouken! (2020)

what a delightful nod to not just the art of animation, but the practice of it. the shitty parts. the deadlines. the overworking. said with reverance!

each of the characters were interesting foils for each other, though to varying degrees. Kanamori became my favorite. she took the role of manager, a role thats somewhat antagonistic usually. yet in here she looked like a badass mob boss, fighting for the creatives, brandishing huge clever strength.

lovely show!

November

17/ BNA (2020)

it is ASTOUNDING how much more I enjoyed this than Beastars. I can't help but make the comparison since they're kind of companion shows: 2020 furry anime. but. god damn.

treating beastmen (furries) as a separate class, like humans with "superpowers", did wonders for the plot.

I think both BNA and Beastars tried to show a rigid system of thinking and say "it doesn't have to be this way. tear down the barriers.", but BNA actually pulled it off. the bad guy became a Big Bad obsessed with racial (species-ial?) purity, whos downfall was literally in mixing blood.

what im saying is BNA is the pro-choice + antifa version of Beastars.

watching this was fun because it was well structured. i picked up plot elements from their foreshadowing. fun! animation great. idk. all around good time, even if i dont think itll stick with me. fun watch!

18/ Haibane Renmei (2002)

I had an itch to revisit this again. it's a flawed masterpiece. and the flaws are all petty things. budgetary stuff. i wish the soundtrack were longer and the shots larger and the folly higher quality. as-is it feels like peering through a foggy window into a beautiful garden.

but MAN it's a good damn garden.

the finale is a bit too "hardcore action" than it needs to be but every other aspect is just. a delight.

i realized this time that my initial reaction to the show was probably heavily influenced by these surface level complaints. "i wish the soundtrack were less orchestral" i probably said at the time. but now i think it should've been more. i can't imagine it veering too far away from what it has. mushishi has its sound and haibane has this sound. iykyk

19/ Charge!! Cromartie High School (The Movie) (2005)

the live action adaptation of the manga, on kenny lauderdale's rec. it's very...... low budget and 2005-core. but despite that, it does a great job at being CLEAR with its delivery of jokes and information. clear hilights for me: the hijacker scene (until the ***ism) and the "getting the team back together by walking towards the camera" scene. also the drugs scene lmao.

there were quite a few jokes and gags that misfired or just didnt work at all, but that might be to-be-expected for a film like this. a fun watch as a fan of the source material, but only just.

20/ Arcane S2 (2024)

holy shit this is drop dead gorgeous 110% of the time. every frame a god damn painting.

the plot felt like A LOT of threads that weave in and out of each other. just when everything feels like it's starting to resolve nicely, a thread you forgot about barges in and undoes everything. rinse and repeat. it's fun actually.

very underwhelmed with the ending but w/e. a nice watch

December

21/