#anyway. i have thoughts. its too late for me to articulate them but im thinking them. ouughhhh

[hypnag0g]

Vutepose, the vending machine and interplanetary food export billionaire, and Roman, the unfortunate xenobotanist he hired to make Novian foods palatable to Aishish consumers. biting and maiming and killing and growing horrible fruits and veggies

(Vutepose's design was an adoptable purchased from @skunkes =:-] )

[cherrylight]

hi im rambling. also hello ashley nation i guess ...

(this is a long post)

i have no idea what to post on here anymore tbch...... im also a nervous wreck talking about any of my f/os without them being the two notorious ones i used to talk about a lot ...... wahh ..... im just nervous being myself on here ..... whys that so DIFFICULT i think its this blog in particular idk ... selfshipping i love you but why do you make me feel really awful about my f/os that i genuinely would give the world to ..... cant i gush about them happily

i wanna be silly and goofy but then I DONT AND IT MAKES ME REALLY UPSET cause im really silly and goofy and i talk a lot then i get anxious and i flop and die its a recurring cycle .......... i should probably use that new blog i made so its easier to post silly things... and just be me but it also has like f/o(s) that i dont really post on here at all out of immense fear so maybe i shouldnt share it to the world.....

idk guys. lately ive just been very terrified and i guess extremely nervous & anxious posting on this blog in particular ..... im really grateful for the people who stuck around and send me asks and just are genuinely really sweet! im sorry for not being able to answer them or anything because i fear i talk too much ALL THE TIME...... like now does that even MAKE SENSE ?! probably not ....

whats kind of saddening is the fact i miss posting about my selfship(s) on here and having others be so supportive of it .... sending silly asks that make me get super happy >_< its like the best thing ever in the entire world wahhh miss it ..... maybe in due time when im not scared .....

tbh my main kind of helps with me on gushing about certain f/os because like no one would say anything..... im just gushing about silly guys and its really fun.......... but then i tear up because he makes me so emotional and UGDFHJGDFHFDH ......anyway. i gush privately and it should just be something im doing for me and that is something i KNOW and do on my own and its very fun and lovely

its just .... ive always been really terrified admitting things... like i have so many thoughts but i dont say them at all.... im also having a lot of trouble articulating my thoughts rn sorry for the jumble mess but its just a lot i guess

i used to be able to say WHATEVER i want and now i just CANT and its actually really upsetting. i just have a genuine weird way on expressing and saying things and i dont want to make people uncomfortable ...

i sometimes think its this blog that makes me so anxious. like more so than usual. but then i think its just Me that makes Me anxious? idk. hard to tell. i just dunno if its the blog or if its me thats making me scared and upset ....

arghh i dont know. this post is already so long >_< idk how to even CONCLUDE THIS ITS SO UPSETTING

i guess the best way is: im anxious all the time on this blog in particular, im way comfortable on my main blog more than this one; maybe the other blog if im brave enough to tag it at some point.... im scared to be fully myself on here so i just stay heavily inactive on here.... but i do love the selfship community...... i dont know if i want to be a part of it ... i just want to reblog cute posts of it and gush about my f/os that make me so happy ....

i want to get out of my comfort zone again. but im scared. so ill die. <- see thats what im talking about i say a lot of out of pocket stuff like that

[beatcroc]

@midnightcityx0x0 I'm not reblogging that fuckmassive post AGAIN but this got too long for a reply so. On its own post now

Anyway i actually have so much trouble thinking of anything for gustavo ever lmao. Everything i have for him I've adopted from other people; rem [brickattack] as mentioned on the big post, and @synthlet/softersynths for a lot of other things. [and a couple others too but iirc synths was the one who started those ppl on it as well gfjdjds] which is to say, you'd probably get better/more interesting answers from those guys :p but yeah, fp and gus are pretty close. It's the general exposure/familiarity, the fact that fp is just a happy/pleasant and easy-to-like dude personality-wise, and for gus specifically there's also a level of "he shares a lot of traits with peppino, without peppino's Baggage™"

that last point is very very interesting but i dont know if i'd Actually get to doing a lot with it bc i typically make fake pep His Own Guy, with his similarities to peppino being almost sort of coincidental. i really really really like coming at peppino and fake pep from the "equals and opposites" angle, which like, that Can still apply for that last bit abt gus, but it's not something i've put a lot of thought into. it's also just fuckin hard to articulate outside of just showing it lmao. [i mentioned like, predator/prey animal nervousness + their reactions to fear vs aggression on the other post but to pull one for here: fake pep still has his own brand of Baggage to deal with too--different stuff than peppino's--but fp is way more open about it when it comes up as opposed to peppino having 50 fuckin walls about everything.

besides that, i also see a lot of general banter about gus being a very Nature Guy™ who likes to find beauty in all the weird fucked up shit nature does [especially in a world as cartoony as theirs], which i enjoy a lot bc girl same. fp may be the farthest thing from natural, but i certainly think there is a lot of beauty to be found in his fucked-up-ness. and i'm sure gustavo sees it too.

and then a fun one i've come into pretty recently for them is that they both care abt peppino a lot, but peppino is very bad at...being cared for. so because you can rarely approach pep directly about anything if it involves vulnerability [again: 50 fuckin walls], and because they both know him very well in different ways and can get through to him about different things, they end up working together a lot in sort of a conspiratory way. plotting scheming etc. 'have you noticed anything wrong lately + how are we going to help this guy out today', that sort of thing. the idea there can go a lot of ways but i'm partial to them using like goofy cartoon antics to set him up for something that'll be beneficial to him. [also brick is in on it too technically but brick is a rat and therefore only sapient when it's funny.] peppino rarely realizes what theyre doing until it's too late. get loved idiot

TANGENTIAL. DONT even get me started on the angst oh my god. you. i am pointing at you you made me think about this. i am not usually one who likes doing angst or making things excessively bad for the hell of it but. a bitch may be considering. under cut bc its unrelated to gustavo stuff but this is as good an excuse as any to share. [+ also extra thoughts on it bc of COURSE]

so i said that at the end there but then a few hours later i found myself toying around with a script and getting a good way to set it up.... im hoping i hit a roadblock on it and drop it because if i DO end up getting it all the way written i will definitely end up drawing it at some point and that would be uh... a big undertaking. it would also be one of the last ones i do bc there's other stuff i still want to build on, so IF, i cannot stress enough IF i go to make it a thing for real, it won't be this year.

for the bits i have so far though it's interesting how much it's shaping up to be like. a showcase of just how well peppino knows fp. which is surprisingly well? even better than gus, despite gus' being WAY more emotionally perceptive. peppino doesn't engage with fp more than necessary and rarely acts interested in his business, but i do think he spends a lot of time just... observing him. if only because pep is neurotic and anxious and fp is weird and freaky so it is a constant thing of "ok what the hell is this. is this something i need to be worried about?" whenever fp is doing shit, and the answer is always ''no'', but it's the sort of instinct that never leaves you yknow. so he's just very familiar with all fp's mannerisms and reactions and whatnot, even if he doesn't really use that knowledge much.......except when things go south. he's a lot more perceptive of fp acting 'wrong' or 'off' compared to gus, who would just be seeing it on a more normal 'aw he looked upset' kind of level.

i talk a lot abt fp's nervousness but the other negative thing that's just as strong with him is frustration. it doesn't usually get to him too bad, and he doesn't really show it around people outside of the occasional eyeroll; but it's stuff like not being able to communicate properly with anyone and getting constantly [negatively] misinterpreted; knowing he's Kinda Shite at his "purpose" [i.e. being 'better peppino' or whatever] and not being able to do anything about it [i don't think he cares about that much any more but i imagine it's still gotta be a bit annoying to remember]; not getting closure for like Anything that happened at the tower, etc... and while i DON'T think this would be the kind of thing to make him go berserk [i still don't really have any idea or framing for that lol; the script starts off a couple weeks in the aftermath and i pointedly don't do flashbacks], it's definitely the kind of thing that would get exacerbated by isolation. the kind of thing that's easy to focus on and spiral about without anyone to ground him; the kind of thing that could keep him from thinking clearly and he might just need to Take It Out on something after awhile.

peppino remains a terrible mediator but he is wildly resilient and tenacious, and if you need a guy to slap some sense into you... i mean he can very literally do that, and do it better than just about anyone.

[alazyparallelworld]

Everyone Should be nice to you or I'll blow them up! (<- lighthearted, but the sentiment remains (nodding wisely).) I followed you originally bc of your kokichi ftes I think (poor memory - I think it was them, though!), just because of how well they read in characterization of ouma & saihara - I've stuck around because I like reading things from you/seeing you on my dash, and I really enjoy your art!! It's immensely fun, I really enjoy your lines and your colours when you use them and just how expressive it can be, and your quadrupedal art clicks with me in a way I don't know how to articulate but definitely enjoy! I've not been following too long, so we're mostly strangers, I think - on anon just cause I'm shy - but you do brighten up my dash being on it :}

This is probably a little late for the initial request, but I wanted to say. <:{ I hope things ease up on you, comrade (- 🐈‍⬛)

i enjoy it whenever i get the "WHO ARE YOU" interactions, which are rare actually. im perceptive (too much for my own good) to a degree... so, yes, i have no idea who you are. admittedly if i dug thru the timeline of this i could likely gauge but. Uh. Uhm (realizes he sounds crazy. expected, but accidentally creepy now. coughs, and continues, redfaced)

so.... don't worry anon.... you being shy is nice for me as well... its a fun 'hmmm... nope, no idea' - consider it special occasion?!

HAH thank you re: characterization. its smth i pride myself in. i am, MUCH LESS, nervous around my writing than my art which might be obvious...? i rarely share, thus i dont oft get feedback, so im. [holding this compliment, cherishing it] thank you... again... jeez sorry, im saying that a lot, usually im more. pppprofound is a substitute word, but i imagine you get the gist... "better spoken, more Emotive, and eeking thoughts out of the viewer-" is complicated and there is a non-egoistical word for it but i cannot. think.

anyways - i am - glad that my general musings whether in ramble/art/occasional writing gives you good feelings. worry not, i will always make them... for your enjoyment, as i create for others -w-

[bluesquaress]

So. Leviathans in supernatural could have been really played for the long run, there were implications that not all of them were forced back to “The Purg”

Leviathans can mutate an angel, so why cant they mutate other beings? Talking full body horror werewolf mutated to the point of radiation poisoning like distress type of mutations. Cosmic being being sucked dry by these parasites and infected by a madness (space rabies?)

Recently I went down the cool DnD monster hole and I thought “hey, what if a Leviathan mutated a Mimic?” got kinda demogorgon-esque and that led me to the epic and cool idea of what a leviathan dick would look like. or vag. or both at the same time (long story)

Anyway this all leads to “How would Castiel treat a half-human character or monster?” regardless of what they have or havent done. He respects human life sure but he was antagonistic with Sam at first and downright ready to kill a CHILD who was half-demon (not for the first time nor the last)

Would late-season Cas drop kick a half-human child? likely not, but I have decided to ask around for opinions on what people think Castiel would do on his own in reference to any not full human in any capacity. (unknown if hes ever met garth which I thought about a LOT) bc he isnt exactly nice to werewolves or vamps or anyone he isnt on neutral/decent terms with and even then its a moment-to-moment things.

What do you think Castiel would act like around non-humans (or angels)? Would he drop kick a child just for being in proximity of a hunt bc the adult monsters were doing not great stuff?

I LOVE YOU.

I wanna say that the last late season i've watched recently (recently meaning like two months ago) is season 12 so im really going off of what i vaguely remember abt Cas lmao😭.

Also!!!! I am really not good at like... Articulating my thoughts when it comes 2 character analysis so sorry if this sounds really fucky / ooc / Just Bad LMAO

But umm, i may be a bit biased bcuz cas is one of my top 3 faves (besides belph & jack), but I do genuinely think, at least after meeting jack, he would be more lenient. If its the later seasons before Kline..? um, im not sure but probably not.

The winchesters aren't the friendliest to kids, especially not when they're monsters, but over the series (ignoring a few certain instances) they have been willing to spare kids/teens that were half-monster for a number of reasons. most of those reasons are, admittedly, because they have a way of turning them back (e.g. Vampires. Literally just vampires that haven't drinken blood yet lawl. sometimes other things i guess But Not Really), and also y'know, Garth; and since Cas has picked up most of his hunting knowledge from them, i imagine in certain situations, he would copy that behavior and let them go :c But also can we talk about garth can we talk about cas and garth meeting Can we do that

I would love to talk more abt the leviathan concept too though, i love making spn species less boring and more awesome sauce 🔥🔥🔥

[elytrafemme]

hkdsjfgseryuwsgyrufkyd you have such good words all the time and like ima try not to ramble so that this is quick to answer ect ect but i absoluetly love how you talk about things. you just seem so??? real i think is the word im looking for. human maybe. like you have words that perfectly wrap up my mind in a soft blanket. its everywhere. like your whole being is threaded with this sort of energy. like late nights in summer greeting you with the sounds of wildlife and while you cant see a thing you know its all there. like i think the word im looking for is life.

words are hard uakjdgad

i have been fighting off my brains attempt to zone out for like almost an hour now and i am loosing so i think i will sleep soon. its making words hard. i think your words have like altered my being, just a little.

youre just amazing anyway i realize i didnt say much so feel free to delete this. i like rewrote this 5 times and had almost sent an as 3 times before now. yippee

hiya i'm getting back 2 this now bc im in the proper mood for it again (tho WAY less philosophical im just contently sitting now ^_^)

you know i think i've spent a lot of my life and still do spend a lot of time viewing myself as like ... an inhuman entity. which like isn't true but idk i've gotten some pretty warped perceptions of what kind of person i have to be and the expectations of the world. and i kinda need to remind myself like hey you are literally a teenager just loving and doing your goddamn best and trying to be cool and failing half the time but making memories ALL the time and like. i dunno. it's important! it's important

sometimes i'm real articulate sometimes i am ... So Not but either way im glad i can like! hit on those vibes and shit. i dunno. i have many thoughts i simply yearn 2 share them

just let out the biggest yawn so you from a day ago and me are having some sleepy solidarity. still trying to trudge up a fic from my bookmarks though to reread so imaginably i'll be up for way longer than i should but eh i got a good 11 hours in last night i can afford some poor decision making skills

i realize 11 hours means i would have been sleeping for a REALLY fucking long time but uh. well actually. it was from like... 10:30. to 10:30. hang on how does math work. okay fucking whatever it was a long time

your words r valuable even if they are kind of all over the place bc mine are too we are simply communicating. we talk like how i think shrimp talk. yeah :D and also some of ur other asks i havent replied to just sit in my inbox im leaving the one where u wished me good tooth recovery in there and i'll answer it when i feel fully better its just a pick me up. anyway appreciate u

[whisperingrockers]

would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can

HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts.  i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances. 

Luz

okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel? 

unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes. 

also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!) 

realized how wordy this is going to be LOL

Eda

hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.

her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.  

King

king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.

for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji) 

Willow 

willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train. 

and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know? 

There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp

Gus

gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up) 

anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late. 

i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment. 

idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train. 

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings. 

Amity ( + Edric + Emira )

lumping these whites together 

okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got. 

‘next stop: amity blight’ 

i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train. 

emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric)  emira: haha wait please say psyche

amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down. 

for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins. 

Lilith 

im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding.  (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship?  Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right?  We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk.  I guess it’s overdue.  :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not?  So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah.  Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well.  Low-point.  Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move.  No Breath huh?  What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help.  XD  She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap.  And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh!  No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back.  He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess.  (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh.  Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep!  Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor.  Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME.  What is that outfit and pose.  Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling.  JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap 

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass  (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD.  Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry?  Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars?  Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something?  (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task?  And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch.  Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was.  (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous?  I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~  get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit?  Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no.  Wait.  What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!?  Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES.  God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN!  And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise!  If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!?  And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they??  This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to.  FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad.  Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is.  OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it????  For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing.  And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely.  :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories.  Is it just the Hiveswap device or something?  If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline.  Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation?  What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage!  And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction.  “ok.”  Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility.  Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John.  ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No?  So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck?  Calliope SAW all this?  Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there?  And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already.  Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep.  Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline.  It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck.  You’re going to regulate non-canon?  “Canonize” it?  Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it.  Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point.  Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention!  That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough.  Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit.  Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska.  Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--?  Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?!  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there.  But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?!  Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

[wollfling]

Hi Allie! I wondered if I could ask you for some advice. I want to draw really badly and create art but I really don't have any skill! I know that in order to get better at art I have to actually do it, but I feel so overwhelmed by how I'm not where I want to be with it right away, and also with where to start with learning to draw. Do you ever feel that way when you draw? And if you do how have you gotten past it?

[I am literally so sorry this is so long oh my God. My mind has been very jumbled lately so I accidentally rambled too much, but I hope it still helps you in any way orz] Oh sweet little anon.. ;^; I do feel that way, a lot of the time if not all of the time! Just recently this week, I felt like I just couldn't draw despite picking up my pencil and scribbling, it just wasn't working partly for that exact reason! Overwhelmed by not being where I want to be with it! These things happen and its frustrating. It's hard for me to imagine as a beginner artist because I've been drawing since I can remember but I will still do my best to offer you some meaningful advice!

But first, to answer your very last question, getting past it can be a little random sometimes. This whole week after being unable to draw, I was laying in bed trying to sleep while reflecting on some heavy feelings ive been having and memories. Suddenly part of an image flashed in my mind and I got up to immediately try drawing it. (The drawing I recently posted and captioned "parade"!) I worked on it completely driven by my heart, and so it didn't matter at the time if it looked good or was anatomically correct, etc. Right now I am working on another heart-driven drawing, but if I tried to work on lets say a study or character drawing instead.. I dont think i could!

My point in all this is that, I think that its important to know/understand why you want to create art, and I think my advice would change slightly depending on your answer. For me personally, I am an emotional artist. I create art that (usually) reflects how I'm feeling or topics I am emotionally drawn to. Illustrations, drawing characters, writing comics, etc.. I think this week, while I'm definitely struggling with my skill level, I was so burdened by some things I've been feeling lately that I couldn't focus on or enjoy anything that I was trying to create, until I was able to release it all in a drawing. (And I'm still not done with them hence why I am now working on another related drawing, but im making SOMETHING and feeling passionate which cannot be said with any of my other attempts this week.) So since these drawings purpose outweigh my current issues regarding my skill, I am able to work on them. If that makes sense?

Okay im sorry with how long-winded this all is so far and all about myself orz but I wanted to give context on how I view art and I think if you asked someone who creates like. Hyperrealistic drawings their answers would be completely different. So! I wanted you to be able to judge if my advice would work for you if that makes any sense at all...!!! Moving on to my actual advice then..!

This is a little general ofc because I dont know what sort of art you are creating, or what your passion behind it is. And if after this you would like to tell me more about your art I would love to hear! 🥺💗 you are welcome to dm me or if you send another anon/ask i think that would be good too since.. well other artists who see can also give their own advice too!

Okay. So anyways lol, first I want to tell you that your desire to create art makes you an artist, despite your skill level. And therefore, everything and anything that you make even now has value. Even if right now you're drawing wonky shaded spheres and cubes! I understand its frustrating when wanting to make something but you feel like your skill isn't "there" and how that can prevent you from making anything to begin with!! But I really want you to try and work through it! Ignore it, disregard it, give your worries about your skill the silent treatment!! And I know its near impossible to do but if its getting in the way of you actually creating well.. thats the worst! We can't have that. If you really want to draw, then you really NEED to draw, you know what I mean? You deserve to draw! The hardest part for like 80% of artists is working around their skill level. I promise you will get there, but for now, you can't let it get in your way. And I realize me saying "oh you feel like you're not good at drawing and its hindering you from doing it? Just do it" sounds like Chad advice but ;---; unfortunately its the reality that comes with being an artist. If you tell me more about what you like to/why you want draw then maybe we can find some alternate lines of thinking that will help you (for example "this tiger i drew looks like shit but drawing all of her stripes was therapeutic and made it worth it!" If lets say you draw as a stim, opposed to "this tiger im drawing looks so bad I can't even look at it anymore " dhsjhd I really hope that this all makes sense lol.)

Moving on, learning how to draw.. this also depends on what you enjoy drawing but my main piece of advice here is study from real life. I grew up drawing cartoons and anime, and now that I want to draw a little more realistically.. its so hard!! If you study real shapes/people/animals/etc it might be easier later on when you understand fundamentals to bend them if you decide to create stylized or surreal art. However if right now you like to draw stylized art, I would recommend to keep working on your personal style while studying from real life on the side simultaneously! Any way you look at it, understanding how shapes, lighting, colour, etc work in the real world will help you out even with the most obscure pieces. And since art is a learned skill yknow you need to build those brain..pathways..and such. Im not a scientist but you get what i mean. Studies are the equivalent to lifting weights! I would recommend the website quickposes (com) they have a library of images that they throw at you at random. The site can explain itself better than I can lmao, check it out!!!

I really hope i was able to offer you something of value here, I didnt mean to ramble so much. I'm excited for you to grow as an artist, I love when I hear about others deciding to learn how to draw ;-; please feel welcome to ask for any clarification (as im having a hard time articulating my thoughts lately) or if you really just want to ask or say anything! ♡♡♡ again sorry if this was more than you bargained for length wise dhsishskshksj

[enibly]

ok so i lost my of the moment reaction i typed up on the testimonials about j*** wh***n and his abuse of so many people, especially young actresses, and on his sets, and by other ppl on those sets, and how disturbing all those testimonials were, depicting just such a horrible toxic abusive environment that continued to repeat and persist for decades. and im not gonna try to recap my initial horror because im exhausted now and it doesnt need to be said- it was horrible, it should never have happened and it should never happen again.

but i did have some thoughts on btvs that i hadnt articulated before and i’ll try to rewrite here.

btvs was a very formative show for me- i was in my late teens and trying to understand myself and the world and how to live in it, and btvs gave me strength and comfort and insight and hope in many ways. however, it also paired all of that with some characters’ abusive actions going completely unchecked, fetishization that i was too young to realize was happening, and actual manipulation of the audience (killing characters in sudden and traumatic ways for example). and all of it together created a powerful drug- I would watch an episode and feel miserable and moved to extreme degrees. all that intensity of emotion, even if some of it felt bad, that’s just what real life (aka grown up life) really feels like, right? NO that is NOT what life should feel like! i should never had have had to put up with feeling miserable and horrified at characters i loved being tortured on screen, just to get good moments with them. and i should not have had to force myself to be ok with characters that were creepy and manipulative and mean and TOTALLY unchecked, just cause they were “part of the gang”. what im describing here, now that im putting it into words, sounds like the mental gymnastics abusers put into the heads of their victims! and given that j*** w has been revealed as verbally abusive and heinous, this is very telling!!

art is very much a reflection of its creators, and i was young then so i didnt realize that discomfort with parts of the art is directly connected to discomfort with the creators and what they think is acceptable or desirable that i dont feel comfortable with. now i am older and if something feels creepy to me, i try to acknowledge it to myself and retain suspicions of the creator and ppl involved. but i was younger and more naive then and hadnt learned that lesson yet. it was also before #MeToo (though i dont know if things would have been so different even if it was after. popular culture and mass culture are a powerful force on a naive person, and the culture still idolizes ppl and celebs and shows. young ppl especially are looking for role models and ways of being outside their own small spheres and so mass culture means a lot to them in particular- but mass culture is not protecting them or loving them back.)

anyways, i feel sorry for my younger self and everyone else who loved btvs being subjected to the abuse fantasies and "hidden” fetishes and behind-the-scenes power plays on actresses that that show has on screen. and i feel sorry for the people working on the show who were subjected to actual abuse at their job (especially the young women and teenagers who should never have had to be around this toxicity at all, much less been the prime targets of it). fuck btvs and the people who used it to manipulate anyone who encountered it.

even through all of this, i still love buffy the character dearly, for everything she symbolizes and her best moments and how much she meant to me and still does. i suspect that i will always cherish her character, despite the increasingly clear hideousness of the show. but i dont need to watch full episodes of that show ever again. buffy lives in my heart outside of that show, and ill take my memories and the bits and pieces that mean something to me but FUCKKKK Buffy the Vampire Slayer the show. i loved you and you treated me and other ppl like we were less than human and not worthy of actual love and respect

[bepoets]

Review for Trish’s Dream Fic

Trish ( @couragedontdesertme  ) said she’d write an epilogue of the elsarik dream Fic if I made a Formal Review of the elsarik dream fic. So here we are.

Please note review should be taken VERY LIGHTLY this is more or less me re-reading the Fic and loudly yelling about things with too many exclamation points. Enjoy Trish.

Ch1

First of all imagine my fucking surprise I didn’t even know you had gotten work done on the dream fic???? Here I was thinking the link you sent me was the next chapter of city of ice and then I click on it and it saYS DREAM FIC???? E X C U S E M E oh my goodness

The first section is just so entirely domestic and beautiful and you can tell how lived in and content they are in their life as roommates. ALARIK (listen my phone autocorrects ALARIK to be in all caps and I’m too lazy to fix it so y’all are gonna have to deal with reading ALARIK’s name as if I’m yelling it every time I type it) anyway ALARIK just bringing her the chocolate croissants she loves so dearly and Elsa curling up with a book and him fretting and worrying over her being there alone all day and later... it’s just SO DOMESTIC. it’s such a small short moment but it’s so domestic and a perfect opposite of the PAIN THAT HAPPENS AFTER!!! And we al know I LOVE READING PAIN

The fact that ALARIK was only home late because he was doing tutoring to earn more money to by Elsa A PRESENT????? Shut up no one speak to me that’s true love but also PAINFUL the guilt he must feel oh my god

Elsa...stops struggling... because she doesn’t want ,,,, ALARIK ,,,, to get hurt. Because she cares for his safety more than her own because he has protected her and he is her friend and she loves him I am going to SCREAM

The fact that you use the phrase ~marching her out of the warmth of the room~ when she just used her magic to like cover the walls in frost makes my Heart burst cause idk if it was intentional or not but I just love the thought that this room has become Home to her it’s become safe and beautiful and lovely and WARM because it is full of love and friendship and companionship rather than the cold loneliness of say her ice palace of her locked room as a child. I like to think Elsa could have covered the room entirely in ice and snow and frost and it would still feel warm to her because of the love that’s developed there thank you for coming to my tedtalk

Ugh fuck hans

I have literally no words other than fuck hans for any section with hans in it I DONT even want to RECOGNIZE THAT HE EXISTS !!! Making Elsa feel like she’s nothing I am going to punch him in the eye

~ALARIK weeps over smushed chocolate croissant. End scene~

I know that it’s such a heartbreaking sad ending for that first chapter but also I really can’t stop laughing about him crying over a stepped on croissant since I know that your like planning note for that last scene was literally just some variant of ALARIK cried over a smushed croissant and that’s just such a funny IMAGE TO ME EVEN THOUGH ITS SAD

I just like to imagine ALARIK cradling the chocolate croissant in his arms like a bébé as he sobs

Ch2

I’m fucking S A D

ALARIK having like NO MONEY and just thinking about that the money he has was going to go to a gift for Elsa and the guard LAUGHING AT HIM LIKE THATS IT THATS ALL YOU HAVE?? Like shut UP HES TRYING TO SAVE HIS BELOVED

P e t t y c h a n g e HE IS TRYING MR GUARD I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW HE WORKED EXTRA TO GET THAT MONEY

ALARIK is so fucking DEVOTED I’m going to run through a goddamn wall I cannot cope. Willing to sell the clothes off his back have you ever seen an idiot more iN LOVE

ALARIK just going willingly cause he has no fight left in him and he just wants to see Elsa even if it means he gets imprisoned too oh my GOD

THE SCENE ITS THE SCENE!!!!!!!!!

STRAIGHT FROM TRISH’S SUBCONSCIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT STARTED IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!

ALARIK wanting to hold her hands when her hands are what are chained up and seen as dangerous and what ~make her a witch~ the absolute love and power that holds.

LET ALARIK AND ELSA HOLD HANDS

“I promised to keep you safe” the pain I feel oh mY GOD

“They’ll KILL you” they’re really out here trying to protect each other at all costs oh my god nothing matters more to the other than keeping the other safe and for that I want to cry and love them and also I want to ram their heads into the wall because wHY WONT THEY JUST PROTECT ESCH OTHER TOGETHER

The PARALLEL OH MY FUCKING GOD

the P A R A L L E L of ALARIK stilling and no longer struggling when the guards threaten Elsa’s death in the same way that Elsa stilled and stopped struggling when they threatened ALARIK’s death oh my god that broke me right there

U g h hans fuck that guy

A N N A !!!!!!!!

When I first read this,,, I DONT know why??? But for some reason??? I didn’t think Anna would be in it???? Which like thinking back on that it makes no sense of COURSE Anna would be in the FIC why would I ever think otherwise. But anyway I was so surprised when she showed up I literally gasped and went ANNA??? Out loud because I was so shocked

ALFAFA GERANIUM

ALARIK really is just so bad under pressure who thought this was a good idea

AG FOR SHORT wink wink nudge nudge cough cough

I’ll be thinking about ALARIK shouting alfafa geranium on my death bed let us never forget

“No harm, no foul” is literally the most fucking Anna line I’ve ever heard. She absolutely would say that to someone who was being question for a crime she’d be like “it’s not biggy”

Why is it that when hans says “BUT ANNA!!!” I hear it like he’s wining like a petulant child I read it like “bUT annNNAAAAA” ugh I hate him

“Don’t scream” *ALARIK’s inner monologue* “this ,, is the story of how I died”

ILL HELP YOU HELP HER ESCAPE!!!!! HELL YEA YOU WILL ANNA HELL YEA YOU WILL

Ch3

My dumbass really went “why are none of the children named neta” before remembering that is the child of Anna and Kristoff and these...are the children of Anna ,,, and .... ugh please don’t make me say his name

I would die for these kids though I love them and I want to protect them at all costs 

Johannes at 5 (and a half!!!!) being a fine soldier GOOD FOR HIM

Isak owns my entire heart from the moment he started fake crying for his mother what a star performer a true Actor he’s too good

Arendellian Royal Guards, are they guards? Or are they simply baby sitters? The world may never know

JOAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the babies being named JOAN!!! Hang in there Joan!!!!!!!!! That made me cry oh my god J O A N

Bébé Isak lookout supreme with his big eyeballs and smile and goofy lil salute I love him

The fact that Elsa says she felt stupid for being lured into a false sense of security means she felt secure and safe for literally the first time since she was a child when she was with ALARIK and I cannot properly articulate how much that made me cry I love that so much that has to mean sO MUCH TO HER oh my god

“You have to get out!! Do the magic!!” NO ONE SPEAK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS LINE FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MONTHS I LITERALLY WEPT

the use of DO THE MAGIC oh my god AND ELSAS HEART LIKE BREAKING BECAUSE SHE FEELS LIKE SHE CANT

DO ! THE ! MAGIC !

Brave little boy with his mother’s determination saying “be brave. That’s what mama said to tell you” oh my GOD THESE CHILDREN HAVE MY WHOLE HEART OH MY GOD

A rooster crow for the signal COUKD they be more obvious I love these kids they’re ridiculous they are truly the children of Anna

Elsa!!! Chose!! To be!!! Brave!!!

IF SHE TRIED TO SAY GOODBYE TO ELSA!!! SHE MAY NEVER LET GO!!!

SHE HAD NO WHERE TO GO!!! BUT SHE DOES BEVAUSE THERES ALARIK WAITING FOR HER BECAUSE GUESS WHAT

ALARIK IS HER HOME !!!!! HE IS HER HOME !!!! SHE CAN GO TO HIM!!!!

Queue another one of my shocked and delightfully surprised screams as I shouted KRISTOFF????? Because blonde dude driving a reindeer cart

Let’s get you somewhere safe I’m going to cry THEYRE finally together again and they can keep each other safe together as. They. Should.

They are cuddling and my heart is exploding oh my god ALARIK seems so surprised like you big dumb idiot you’re both in love with each other it’s a mutual thing get with the program

SLEEP ELSA! ITS GOING TO BE OKAY! AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PROBABLY FOREVER! IT WILL BE!

Ch4

*queue another gasp* there’s only one bed?????

Yea I saw it coming yea I was just as shocked even so yea I got very excited about it wHAT DID YOU EXPECT

They’re cUDDLING and he went to move away and she DOESNT WANT HIM TO they could’ve been sharing a bed THIS WHOLE TIME AND I JUST WANT TO SCREAM BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY

ALARIK laying all the credit on kristoff and the kids when he’s kind of the one that steamrolled the whole plan into happening because he’s the one who showed up ALARIK please give yourself more credit

“You came back” “of course I came back... I couldnt ...” “why?” And then ALARIK refusing to meet her eyes has me absolutely weeping this is the kind of shit I THRIVE ON this is truly a gift to us all everyone say thank you Trish for these three bits of dialogue I will be thinking about them for all my days

ELSA KISSED HIM!!!!!!!!!

Yeah I do lose my shit anytime Elsa is the one to make the first move you go girl you go

THE SPICE VENDOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bringing in all my favorites I am going to cry thank you Trish I love Darius

I SUPPOSE YOU TWO HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN MARRIED

listen I SCREAMED WHEN HE SAID THAT I SQUAWKED!!!! MARRIED!!!!!!

I had been observing you two and just assumed!!!!! You would assume right mr spice vendor sir if they WERENT so stupid for so long it’s okay we understand

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ??? And Elsa says MARRY US? And ALARIK is going to PASS THE FUCK OUT

He literally got to finally kiss the woman he’s in love with for the first time last night and now they’re getting married poor boy is going to get WHIPLASH from how fast things are progressing but it’s okay im sure he is happy

Elsa’s little vows of just needing each other and keeping each other safe and keeping company and not needing gold or silver ugh TRUE LOVE

And ALARIK hopelessly devoted to her being like I PROMISE

“just you being there no matter what is enough” peak romance true love the devotion the dedication I’m a wreck

LE SMOOCH! LE MARRIAGE! INCREDIBLE I LOVE THEM

~end review~

Okay where is my epilogue please and thank you

[we-stan-bruce-ban]

18 or 14 for the prompt thing 👀👀👀👀

14: “Is everything alright?” “It is now that you’re here with me.” *Which I tweaked a bit but same general idea

-O-

Thor hadn’t had a phone for terribly long. He still had a lot to figure out, but over time he’d learned one thing for sure: late night texts from Tony were almost never a good thing.

[Tony]: Hey

[Tony]: Bad news

What a surprise.

[Thor]: What is it this time?

[Tony]: Bruce

Immediately, he felt his heart stop. Thor’s typically slow thumbs were a blur as he tapped out a message.

[Thor]: What happened? Is he ok?

[Tony]: Not…really

[Thor]: What does that mean?

[Tony]: He’s stuck

[Thor]: Stuck?

[Tony]: Yep

[Thor]: In what?

[Tony]: He’s stuck mid transformation between the hulk and himself

[Tony]: Like, kinda big kinda green, very distressed, and I think he and the hulk are sharing a mind? Idk he keeps yelling at himself every now and then

Thor honestly didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know Bruce could get stuck like that, but it sounded awful. He took a moment to figure out what he wanted to ask next.

[Thor]: Does he seem hurt? Physically?

[Tony]: No clue, its kinda hard to tell

[Thor]: I’m coming over.

[Tony]: Figured you would. On floor 14

[Thor]: Please keep watch over him while I’m on my way.

[Tony]: No I think Im just gonna go make myself a margarita while my best friend is tearing his own existence apart in ways we didnt even know where possible beforehand

[Tony]: Of course Ill watch him

Thor didn’t waste time replying to Tony’s trademark sarcasm. Within mere minutes, he was over at Stark Tower, standing in the freezing rain and harsh gusts of wind that were probably brought on by his own stress. The door opened for him and he slipped inside, making a beeline for the elevator. Thor rode all the way up to the fourteenth floor, trying to catch his breath. Before he even got out of the elevator, he could tell that there was a strange sort of tension in the air.

When he stepped out, Bruce was nowhere to be found. Tony was rubbing his temple, as if he had a headache. Thor neared him, his eyes darting around the lab.

“Where is he?”

“Asleep. Finally.”

“Asleep?”

“He eventually passed out. Over-exhaustion, probably.”

“Okay,” he nodded, pausing. “Is he okay, though?”

“I…don’t know.”

Thor sighed and looked up towards the ceiling, then back at Tony. “So, he’s both? Him and the Hulk? At the same time?”

“Basically,” he nodded. “As far as I can tell, anyways.”

“Gods, that must be awful for…for both of them, I guess.”

“I can’t imagine how shitty he must feel.”

“Tell me where he is.” 

“We’ve got a hangout on this floor. It’s like…a makeshift bedroom, I guess. We spend so much time in here we figured we might as well have, like, a napping area,” he explained. “It’s a little room down the hall. Right side.”

Thor gave a sharp nod and hurried towards the door. 

“Hey, be careful, okay?” Tony called after him. 

“Of course I will be!”

Just like Tony said, the room was like the beginnings of a proper bedroom. There was a small bookshelf to one side, a few soft, yellow lights scattered about, and in the corner, a massive collection of pillows and duvets. There might have been a mattress beneath it, but it was hard to tell. Especially with the person curled up on top of it all. 

All along his arms were patches of what looked like rashes, only a muddy green color. His veins bulged along his arms and neck. He was definitely taller than he should have been, and more built and muscular, too. Bruce (Hulk?) himself seemed more like he was knocked out rather than peacefully asleep. His dark eyebrows were furrowed in what seemed like distress or frustration, and he would twitch every now and then. Thor knelt beside him and ran a finger along one of the several tears in his tightened shirt.

“Hello, dear,” he whispered. 

The being before him grumbled something incomprehensible. Then, his eyes snapped open. Thor took his hand back and watched intently. 

“Bruce?” he asked carefully. 

“Y-Yes,” he whispered, then smacked the side of his head. “No!”

Thor’s brow furrowed in concern. “Hey…”

“No! No Banner.” He shook his head frantically. A pained expression crossed his face. “Banner…sorry. I-I’m sorry…he’s…”

“Look at me,” he whispered, cupping his cheek. Thor pulled him into a gentle kiss, delicately playing with his hair. He pulled away and took a shaky breath. Thor frowned slightly and took his hands.

“Look at me, darling,” he whispered again. Bruce was hesitant to meet his eyes, but when they met each other, Thor gave him a warm smile. 

“I just wanted to say I love you. So, so much.”

He nodded slowly. “L…love you…too.”

“Mhm.”

“Who…am I?” he whispered suddenly. Thor paused.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t?”

He shook his head. “I mean…you aren’t exactly Hulk, but…but you aren’t fully Bruce either…”

“What am I?” The fear in his voice was more evident than before. 

“I don’t know, my love,” he said apologetically. “Do you feel more like one of them than the other?”

After a moment of thought, he replied. “Bruce.” 

“Are you sure?”

“…No. But…but I think I’m him…” 

“Okay,” he said softly. “Then we’ll get you back to being your old self.” 

“Promise?”

“I promise.” Thor gave him a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Hurts…” Bruce sniffled. 

“I’m so sorry, my love,” he whispered, looking over his trembling muscles. “Just…focus on me. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Gonna be okay…” he repeated, squeezing his eyes shut. “Th–Thor…”

“Yes, dear?” 

“He’s…I don’t want…” Bruce swallowed. “Make it stop…”

“I’m not sure how,” he admitted. “Try to…um, maybe think about things that help you relax?”

“Hugs,” he said quickly. “Hug me…”

Thor nodded and wrapped his arms around him. It was odd, since he was used to hugging a much smaller Bruce. The way he was now, their heights were just about matched. Nevertheless, Thor just pretended like it was a normal night. Just cuddling his boyfriend in bed, and nothing more. 

“How’s this?” he murmured, rubbing his thumb against a rough patch of skin. 

“Yes,” was all Bruce replied. Thor pressed a kiss just below his ear and hummed softly. It was an old Asgardian lullaby he remembered his mother singing to him as a child. Thor wasn’t the best singer, by any means, but he hoped it was calming. 

Apparently it was, since he started to feel Bruce start to shrink in his arms. He whimpered as he curled in on himself, his body still shaking and jerking. 

“Hush, hush, you’re alright, I’m here…” Thor whispered. Bruce took deep breaths. Everything had stopped. Thor looked down at him, trying to determine if he was fully back yet. The shirt he wore, while still ripped, seemed to fit him once more, and his skin was back to its usual color. 

“Bruce?” he asked. 

“Yeah…” Bruce turned to look at Thor. Tears streaked his face, but the look in his eyes was relief. He rolled over and hugged Thor tight. 

“Fuck…fuck. Okay. I’m okay, I’m okay,” he rambled to himself. “It’s fine…” 

Thor himself let out a sigh, happy that Bruce had come back to himself. “There. See? I told you we’d get you back.”

“That was…fuck.”

“Is everything alright, now?”

“Since you’re here,” he nodded. 

“What was that?”

“I don’t know,” Bruce shook his head. “I don’t know and I hope I never experience it again.”

“Hopefully you never will.” Thor stroked his curls. 

“Yeah…shit. Yeah.” Bruce glanced up at him. “Thank you…”

“Don’t thank me. I just want you safe and happy.”

Bruce smiled faintly. “I love you. So much, more than I could ever tell you. I’m…shit with words. You know that.”

“I do. But I love it.” Thor grinned. “It makes you yourself.” 

“See? I can’t do that,” he laughed softly. “Articulate words and all that…”

“Then just kiss me,” Thor mumbled.

Bruce did.

[angrylizardjacket]

any time {Brian May}

@brianandthemays​ asked: Hello! I’m having a rough week and I absolutely love your imagines! So I was wondering if I could get a fluffy piece with Brian where the reader is sad/disappointed and he comforts her. Thank you!!

A/N: 1343 words. This is for me, @hysterical-qween, @brianandthemays​ who requested it, and everyone else who wants Brian to hug and tell them it’s. I hope it’s okay, I literally fell asleep twice at my computer because I started writing it at midnight. Anyways it’s 4am, good night, I hope tomorrow is better.

It’s Saturday, or it was Saturday like half an hour ago, but you’ve been staring at the TV playing some b-grade raunchy action movie too explicit for the hours regular people keep, and your hands are shaking. You’ve been home for what feels like ten minutes, but is closer to two and a half hours, and there’s a weight in your chest that won’t go away, an overwhelming- sadness? Disillusionment? Anxiety? Distress? You can’t quite put your finger on it.

“Hello?” When Brian answers the phone, he sounds groggy and annoyed.

“Hey, sorry it’s so late.” There’s a slight shake in your voice and his tone shifts immediately. 

“Darling, is that you? It’s almost one, what’s wrong?” He’s so gentle, so concerned, and there’s a hollow feeling in your chest that the sound of his voice goes a ways to healing.

“I-” Your words catch in your throat, and maybe it’s that you can hear him but he’s not there with you; you feel touch starved, needy and unashamed to want him with you. “I’m so sorry,” you start, and you can feel tears already stinging your eyes as you speak, “can I ask you a huge favour?”

“Anything, anything.” He assured, you ,and you sniffled loudly. “You know what, I’m coming over.” He preempts your request, taking the words right out of your mouth, and the tears begin to fall.

“Thank you.” You manage, and you can’t move, muscles wound tight with anxiety and sadness, holding the phone to your ear.

“I love you; I’ll be there soon.” 

In between breaths you feel like you’re drowning in your own emotions, as though sadness has you in a choke hold. Overwhelmed, you’re lost in the white noise of the television for what feels like an eon, time rushing past, a blur where it had felt like mere heartbeats only minutes before. There’s a knock at your door, and you finally uncurl yourself from your sofa, joints sore where you’ve been in the same position for hours, unmoving, barely feeling. 

Opening the door, you see him there with his sweater on backwards and concern in his eyes. He moves forward, wrapping you up in his arms as your silent sobs become more audible. There, in the doorway, at one in the morning, you’re crying in his arms. That hollow feeling in your chest, the way you’d been aching to just hold him, you can feel it slowly disappearing, and you hold him tighter.

Apologies tumble from you as he guides you back into the apartment, closing the door behind himself, one arm still carefully holding you. You’re sorry it’s so late, that he came over, that you’re just being silly, that-

“Don’t apologise.” He admonishes, sincere. Pressing a kiss to your forehead, he moves the two of you into your bedroom, his voice gentle as he assures you; it’s never too late, he’ll always be there, you’re not being silly. He sits you down against the headboard, and you wriggle beneath the covers as he climbs in beside you. 

“If it’s got you this upset, it’s not silly.” When he pulls you close to him, wraps his arm around you and lets you rest your head on his chest, you feel for the first time since you’ve gotten home, that perhaps the whole world wasn’t against you. “Darling, anything that upsets you is never silly.” 

His tone doesn’t leave room for argument, and you know he means it with his whole heart. There’s something unequivocally reassuring about that. Already you can feel your stuttering, distressed heartbeat calming down as you clutch at his sweater.

“I’m sorry-” you start, and he quietly tells you to stop apologising, “I’m just- I don’t know what came over me, I just had a shit time at work and I just-” Pressing your lips together, you can’t even continue, words stuck behind a lump in your throat. Brian doesn’t press you, just rubs his hand up and down your arm in a comforting rhythm, occasionally pressing his lips to the top of your head.

“I’m just stuck in this dead-end job,” you finally spit, working through your sadness to the anger you held towards the situation, “and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life; I feel like I’m never going to achieve anything or do anything meaningful and- Brian I’m so scared, and I feel so useless.” You admitted, pressing your forehead to his chest, trying to take some deep breaths as he rubbed circles into your back.

As soon the words are out, and Brian’s still holding you close, you feel the anxiety disappearing, slow of course, but there’s a gentle peace that begins to fill you now you’ve articulated the thought that had been haunting you. It’s so cathartic, being able to finally admit that, but as soon as you do, you’re filled with an uncertainty, an irrepressible urge to apologise for dumping that all on him. You’re not expecting a response, it’s a lot to hear in one go.

“You’re not useless, darling, even just for the fact that you’ve made so many people smile.” Voice soft, he punctuates it with a kiss to the top of your forehead, and you know if he continues like this then you’re going to cry again, but for a very different reason. “There’s no rush to figure out the over-arching plan for your life, sweetheart, and-” he paused, and when you looked up, eyes red rimmed but heart already growing warm, he’s giving you a curious look; “would you like me to tell you how little anything matters to the universe, or how much you matter to me?” 

“I don’t care, I just need you to tell me it’s going to be okay.” Voice a whisper, you think you can see the moment your words melt his heart. 

“Everything you do is meaningful; every time you speak, everything you do, it all goes to making the world a little bit of a better place,” he continues, even as you try to protest, “I’ve seen you at your worst, dear, believe me, I’d rather spend the rest of my life with them than anyone else at their best. One day the world will see how incredible you are, or even if you see how incredible I think you are.”

“You’re gonna make me cry.” You pouted, but he reached down to pull the duvet further up the both of you, and you snuggled in tighter.

“Sorry, I was trying to stop that.” He half laughed, and you hummed thoughtfully, shifting to a more sitting position so you can rest your cheek on his shoulder.

“Good cry.” You assured him, and he nodded with a laugh of understanding, before you looked up, the movement prompting him to turn, and the two of you shared a sweet kiss. Pulling back, he wiped the tear tracks from your cheeks, smiling so fondly at you that you could feel your heart growing warm, earlier sadness still inching away, leaving much faster when you see him smiling at you like that.

“Thank you, I really needed to hear that.” You tell him, voice gentle. “I really needed you here.” He presses a kiss to your cheek, and you settle back in against him.

“I’ll always be here.” He assures. He starts to quietly recount how captivated he was, seeing you in the audience that first time the two of you had met. It’s one of your favourite stories, and you would never get over the way your breath would catch when he says ‘I’d wanted to see the stars for as long as I could remember, imagine my surprise having you right there in front of me’. As he speaks, you can feel yourself grow tired, with him still gently rubbing your back, his firm heartbeat steady with your head against his chest.

You fall asleep to the sound of him humming a melody you don’t recognise. Years later, you will come to recognise it as the song he writes for you.

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis: “what do you have? “ I have a kNIFE” “NO”

[Specific-Summary]: They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking,

[Tags/mood:] highschool au,  fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17) (18) 

L: I May Have Lost Roman

V: nice

P: not nice :)

V: i feel vaguely threatened

Rem:@L how the fuck did you manage that Rem: nvm i know how just give me details

L:I don’t know ? One second we were at check out L: Next minute he was Gone and Nieve is looking suspicious

L:Hold on lemme ask Dmitri

V: why is he there

L: I mean he’s actually pretty chill L: But he dropped Roman off and Nieve got attached L:I’m...not sure if she’s planning on letting him go?

V:logan, my friend, my buddy, V:the only person in this chat with basic reading comprehension

Rem: that’s pretty fair

P: it really is tbh

V: Send. Pictures.

L: Okay L: Slight Issue

V: you lost the snake too

L: I lost Dmitri too and Nieve is not spilling

Rem: oh they’re defeinately fucking

L:...Where? The bathroom?

Rem: Don’t knock it till you try it ;)

V: not to be that guy but im vetoing this discussion V: cause thats a Yikes even for you Remy

L: Alright time to find them

Rem: check ;))) the;))) bathrooms ;;))))

L: Remy.

Rem: alrighlright too far ill stop

L: Thank you.

V: keep me updated V: i only have silence and physics homework as company

L:Huh L:Found them

L: Roman….found a katanna…

V: im sorry WHAT V: Why The Fuck Does He Have A Sword

Rem: drop the location of that store man

L: 1) It’s a Katanna L: 2)I will certainly Not. L: 3) He’s trying to convince Dmitri why he should have it

L…..and Dmitri looks more amused then concerned

V: if I can't have a tarantula he sure as hell cant have a sword

L:I told him it was probably fake/ poorly made and that he should take the time to invest the proper skill in money in a real one

V: goddamit logan you cant logic roman.

L: It worked. He put it back. L: So I say I can do what I want with roman

Rem: some spicy takes from the chats only brain cell ;)

---

“So you’re turning eighteen, in a few months. ” His aunt said, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. She still managed to hold an air of prestige despite getting utterly shitfaced the night before. Her appointments have been going well.

Dmitri looked up, masking his surprise and holding his tongue.

Dr. Montag looked over, quieting the running water and placing the dish was he was cleaning down, “Really?” he said, brushing his hands, “You got any plans?” he asked, Dmitri.

“Oh we usually do something small,” His aunt interjected, “But seeing as he’s my father’s favorite grandchild,” Only grandchild, “He’s is flying from Paris to join us. And he was never a man of modesty so I’ve been thinking about doing something special for the occasion.”

Oh.

Dmitri fought the smile creeping on his face, ducking his head. He shouldn’t be surprised that she remembered after all if his grandfather was visiting. It’s how he got his phone, laptop, his car.

It’s probably why she puts up with him, to begin with. Cause it wasn’t guilt.

“--We should get your hair cut,” She continued, and Dmitri snapped out of his thoughts, “Maybe invite Diana--he’d like her,” she murmured.

“Diana and I a-” He closed his mouth, and his aunt’s eyes shot over.

“You broke up?” She narrowed her eyes, examining her nails, “Huh, makes sense seeing as...” she gestured at him vaguely, “So who have you been sneaking around with?”

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” Dmitri said, meeting her gaze. And technically he was right, it’s not sneaking if she just hasn’t been asking. And he’s given up on telling.

Dr. Montag’s eyebrows knitted together confused,” Well that isn’t true,”

Dmitri’s eyes went wide, stomach sinking.

His Aunt’s grin spread, “Oh really?”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck--

“He’s been helping me out, hon,” Dr. Montag set down a glass of water and pills beside her plate, “You’ve been so stressed lately,” he looked guilty and produced some tickets, “I thought I’d surprise you.”

Her face softened and like that the tension left the room. Those two got to linger in whatever lovey-dovey spell had taken hold of them in the last few months, but Dmitri was still on edge.

She still kept him on edge, but he could get her back. Even the playing field. Anytime he could leave this—Anytime he could flip this switch and put her on edge and make her—

He stopped eating, setting his plate aside.

He felt sick.

---

R:helllloooo R:anyone up R: sigh R: allll by mySELLLLF

L: Roman?

R: the one and lonely yes hello human contact???

L: Are you alright? It’s 3 am why are you still awake?

R: why are YOU up mm????

L: My parents have newborn twins. What’s your excuse?

R: well fuck got me there

R: i was texting dee but he was rlly tired and i stILL can’t sleep

L: Any particular reason?

R: u m

L: Private chat?

R: please

- [TheTruthAboutTheMoon]

TheWalkingMouth: Okay shoot

Cowboy:it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: I’ll tell you if it's stupid or not just say it

Cowboy: i just….like Cowboy: it's all kinda….hitting me a ll at once and i Really don’t like thinking about it but i cant bottle shit up either like you bastards so i feel like the human equivelent og a washing machine with too much laundry in it

TheWalkingMouth: Then don’t? TheWalkingMouth: Even if it's too ‘stupid’ for me I’m sure Dmitri wouldn’t mind

Cowboy: yeah but i feel like im going to say something shitty to him i Cowboy: like we should talk about it Cowboy: and i will Cowboy: but not now--later when it's not too stressful for either of us

TheWalkingMouth: Why would you say something shitty?

Cowboy: idk id jst get frustrated trying to explain it Cowboy: like hes smart as hell and probbaly get it without me saying anything but like Cowboy: I have neither the patience nor articulation right now to explain like a civil person and he doesnt need me being shitty about it

Cowboy:like,,,,,for example,,,,, if he fucks up in school, he’ll get recommended a tutor and teachers would assume hes doing his best and hes such a sweet and quiet boy

Cowboy: like he is sweet!!but hes a little shit too!! And gets away with it!!! Half those pranks he pulled on virgil, as Iconic as they were he never got in trouble for them!!!

Cowboy: when i fuck up i

Cowboy: god it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: Might not get a second chance? Yeah I get it.

TheWalkingMouth:Remember when I first transferred here? None of the teachers would take me seriously bc of my accent and if they did, they were afraid of me. I could repeat something another kid said word for word and still be told I had an attitude.

Cowboy: god i remembered that Cowboy: you answered his yes or no questions in a fuckin montone, quiet ass voice and he legit called in the office cause he got scared of a goddamn freshman

Cowboy: But ye when i fuck up Cowboy: im suddenly the lazy ass brown kid who should spend less time corrupting youth with my feminine hips and curls Cowboy: like it's not like a lot of them say it outright but it feels like if im not perfect im fufilling all the stereotypes

TheWalkingMouth: Ah okay, rant away

Cowboy: OK like like like im not like virgil right?? in a lot of ways and it fuckin shows

Cowboy: he’s been planning on going into engineering since sixth grade meanwhile i only got my shit together in highschool

Cowboy: and like now that im here/???what now??? My mother expects me to have my shit together meanwhile im over here freaking the fuck out over whether not it's worth it to even try Cowboy: like yes mother i want to go to an art/or librel arts school that may or may not accept me that we may or may not afford to find a career in who the hell knows because if i have to sit in a healthcare class or a applied mathmatics class like you did i miight actually shank the professor????

Cowboy: that i dread the thought of not trying to explore my options outside of this fucking state but i dread the thought of going bc i cant stand the thought of being away from home but i cant fucking find a reason to stay cause everyone i love is leaving or planning their own life anyway???

Cowboy: like remys gunna fuck off to who knows where regardless of whether or not he has a plans or money, pattons gunna take care of his grandmother whereever the fuck a canada ,moms moving in with tia, virgils already mentally flipping me off ready to fuck nasa , and i only fucking hope dmitri even getss the chance to choose where he goes but hes g o n e and i die from yearning behind a screen like the gay victorian i am , and you….i actually dont know

TheWalkingMouth: Teaching for either biology or physics

Cowboy: huh it fits but what about chemistry??

TheWalkingMouth: Fuck chemistry.

Cowboy: oh thank god we’re on the same page

TheWalkingMouth: Anyway, I assume you’re more worried about whether you should apply rather then if you could get in?

Cowboy: i think so

TheWalkingMouth: Well if my opinion means anything to you

Cowboy: more than you’re assuming but yeah continue

TheWalkinMouth: Wait

Cowboy: nothing nothing continue

TheWalkingMouth: Okay-- I think you should go for it but you don’t need to dive head first into it and commit to everything 100% like virgil did.

TheWalkingMouth: You’re allowed to keep your options open, to have backup plans for back up plans

TheWalkingMouth: It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your art. Doesn’t mean you’re inevitably going to get a office job and abandon all your dreams. It means you’re being smart and not backing yourself into a corner

TheWalkingMouth:It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to have it all figured out

TheWalkingMouth: Nobody does.

TheWalkingMouth: Even if no one else gives you a second chance at least give yourself a second chance.

TheWalkingMouth: It’s perfectly normal to be afraid to fuck up and get fucked over TheWalkingMouth: That doesn’t mean you will everytime TheWalkingMouth: And it certainly doesn’t mean it's the end

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

Cowboy:

[...Cowboy is typing…]

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

[spockular]

wow ok i meant to write a lil paragraph ranting about how im crazy etc but it got bigger im prob gonna delete later

ok nobody wants to read this and honestly i dont want them to but i dont have anyone to talk to about this & its been eating away at me lately for some reason so! uh im rly bad about like. letting things go and i’ve been single for like five fucking years bc im disgusting but i check up on my ex now and then (sometimes more often than others) because i dont even know why honestly.... idk i think i just got a glimpse into what life as a gay trans etc could be for a second when we were together and even afterwards when i was still friends with some of our mutual friends (im still friends with one of them but the rest i no longer speak to). like our relationship wasnt great and i was terrified the entire time to the point of like. not eating for days and shit (one time i passed out in the hallway of its dorm from anxiety and hunger lmfao) but thats kinda irrelevant now. 

anyways its long over and but bc i am petty and angry all the time and have had very little going for me socially for p much my entire life im still sad about how little connection we actually had and how desperate i was for us to be close but was continually denied that. im sad for my little teenage self and im sad about what that did to me as a person (a lot of this falls on my own shoulders but i’ll just say its been a real long slow journey from then to now and im still trudging along). 

i do still care about my ex tho just like. as a person and even though it fucks me up in ways i still dont rly know how to articulate i like to check its social medias every once in a while just to see whats up etc. kinda recently my ex and its current partner (someone i used to be friends with) started t and im happy for them both but it also feels like such a punch to the gut like.... theyve had more time to figure out their gender i think (idk the exact situation obvs) bc ive been so shut down for my entire life but it just feels rly shitty. and i feel shitty for feeling shitty bc why should i?? they arent taking anything away from me or even affecting my life at all; we havent even lived in the same side of the country for a long time and we havent spoken even longer than that. but its hard for me to see and think about either way. 

i feel weird too bc we’ve had a lot of parallels in our life that to the casual observer seems like im probably copying my ex but i honestly have not.... like we’ve both been through a few name changes and both times our new chosen names have been rly similar but its legit complete coincidence which freaks me out. and we’ve had a lot of similar interests in media and in the kind of art we make..... idk i feel rly weird about it. 

idek what i came here to say anymore im just. stressed out rly bad all the time lmao. ive been doing a lot of work on myself lately but it still feels like im not getting anywhere. i cant do therapy but ive gotten rly good at self reflection and recognizing unhealthy/destructive patterns of thought and action in myself but im not always good at correcting it because its just me and my dumb wormy brain in here. idk im rly sad i guess is the point im sorry if anyone read this whole thing and if we know each other irl im sorry if it made you feel weird i normally dont talk about this for that reason

[looksalikes]

wed sept 8, 3:56 pm

hey! long time no type.

i’m like a new person now! i’ve never felt better, im unkillable! for real, maybe i’ve have had better times in my life environmentally, but inside i feel limitless! i hateeee writing but im pushing myself to articulate what brought me to this new level of thinking.

so to start off, i lied to pretty much everyone around me about what actually happened (as it all changed in one night). basically like i said before, i hate writing. i have no really gift with the pen and being autistic made it all the more frustrating to be restrained with such a limiting way to express myself. yet curiosity i majored in a writing intensive field. anyways i was given an assignment to write about Snake Eyes and Henry Golding and just overall talking about asians in strong american roles etc etc no biggie right? ive done shit like this before so many times and it was only like 500 words. 

so clearly the pressure i put on myself and my perfectionist standard led to a weird spiral, i was on my FIFTH DRAFT and i was losing it. i hated writing, i tried calling my friends but it was too late for ppl to answer. i started crying, i felt pathetic, how was it taking me DAYS to write a simple piece? i didnt join a creative agency for me to do the same thing i was trying to get away from! i tried calling my family but my mom was asleep and my dad was exhausted from the time change and yelled at me to hang up and promised to help me in the morning. but that wasn't enough for me, I just HAD to submit it by midnight for some reason. i started breaking down. being an intern at 25 and still feeling this stuck made me feel like every little thing reflected widely on me as a person. i tried talking to hana, but she was done with these breakdowns and refused to help. i was sobbing, i didn’t want to write even though i didnt write that much, i didnt want to try. i started banging my head on the window. im pretty sure i slightly concussed cuz i was feeling really hazy for the rest of the night after the final slam. i climbed on to the fire escape and started to look over the edge.

heres where i start lying.

the fire escape is old and the railing snapped and the pressure of my body made me almost fall over, but i was able to hang on. in those 3 secs i felt my life flash before my eyes and i realized i wasn't gonna die over this! i pushed myself up and got out, feeling reborn and my mind clear of any anxiety i had ever felt before.

this was all a lie. the reality was much more pathetic.

its pretty obvious how i’ve been struggling with suicidal thought my whole life, and i while looking over the ledge i just stop crying instantly. i could end it all. i looked around, no one would see, maybe they wouldn't even find out as a mangled body is easily mistaken as a homeless person everyday. i could maybe survive by landing for the trash. i imagined me broken body waiting as roaches climbed over me for a couple hours until someone called 911. but why was i fantasying if i survived, why would i jump if i wanted to make it up? i just wanted to be victimized, i wanted someone to see how much i was mentally going through and be validated. but no one was going to do that. not even if it was someone just a couple feet away from me like hana. she heard me screaming and crying on the ledge, she gave up i think a long time ago. they were just empty threats. and she was right.

so maybe this shouldn't be an empty threat. should i finally write a suicide note, i should go in and write a suicide note. but if did that, i would just be putting off this decision for next month until i felt this bad again. i should do it. i shold just jump. im done. im tired. i dont want to try anymore. im pathetic, i feel this exhausted despite how little work i did. im lazy, untalented and tired. i can now rest. i can be free from this guilt forever. no one was going to save me. no one is going to pity me anymore. i was alone and o

and then. i just didn’t.

I didn’t have to feel bad because im good as i am. if i was gonna die, then nothing would really matter, so i could just CHOOSE not to feel bad and i just wouldn't feel bad. who cares? if im gonna live to die, i might as well feel that way. that sounded more fatalistic than i intended but what i mean is that, as long as i was willing to work hard i things i felt passionate for and only hold kind intentions, how can i be wrong?

“I can do no wrong”. my friend Chris told me that when i brought him to this weird party. i apologized to him in that moment, saying if he felt uncomfortable we could leave or try to include him more. i hate feeling left out at parties. but he told me that he was fine and “he could do no wrong”, that it wasn't where he went but who he was that determined how he felt. and how can i do wrong being the way i am?

i left the fire escape, smoked a bit of weed, and decide to sleep for the few hours i had before i had to go into work. i felt like a new person. whatever i wanted i can manifest. i had a whole new attitude to work. im not gonna work on things i dont care about anymore. im gonna do what i want. i never realized how much i was limiting myself until now! how much my work ethic was tied to my self-esteem and perception of the world. i dont live for others anymore. i will live like no one is watching and perform like everyone is watching.

sometimes i admit, it feels like im forcing this persona, that im just hyping myself up into this and ill run out of gas soon. but until them im not gonna relent with this positive thinking. 

because if i do, i know what will happen. and besides, i think i may like this new me.

do i feel like ill never be suicidal again? no, those thoughts and behaviors will be something i will live with for the rest of my life. even if they are a bit quieter for now. if anything i owe it to that for my newfound way of thinking. because i cant die if i knew i didnt at least give it my all.