#anyway. i dont think it came out of left field and i dont think it ruins any of the families they had

[thisloveforyourmom]

Call me crazy if u want but i dont think its that weird that the group of traumatized/abused child soldiers turned out to be pretty flawed parents. Like it makes sense to me that the only one of them who didnt seem to have that issue was the one whose entire arc was about unlearning generational patterns of trauma

[marmett]

i think the fallout fandom at large dont give the various groups of new vegas enough credit for what they have the potential to build in the anarchy ending. like, a lot of ppl like to focus on how they couldnt possibly find solutions to all the problems the mojave has unless they have the ncr/legion/house, but there are so many issues that the ncr and house created in the area that independent settlements are already finding their own solutions to. and just imagine how much they could get done w/o the ncr and house fucking around and making things worse.

like, westside developed an entire farming co-op! food supply issues are a major problem in the mojave. dr. hildern's idea is to raid a vault and use unstable scientific research to fix it, but westside is doing fine on their own. imagine what they could do when the ncr moves out and they can expand to take over their old fields too.

another food supply issue is w/ the early stage capitalism the ncr and mr house brought along, and the brahmin barons like heck gunderson who can fuck up the food supply chain on a whim. getting rid of ppl like that and returning to independent, community based farming would do massive good for the area, and it would possibly open up an opportunity for jacobstown to start trading w/ the rest of new vegas!

like yeah, they had issues w/ anti-mutant prejudices, but i feel like when relying on other communities becomes a necessity ppl will get over it. and westside is right there too, i dont think theyd have as big of a problem working w/ a super mutant community when mean son of a bitch is already a beloved member of their own community.

and yeah, security and protection would still be a huge problem, but westside again has shown that communities can take care of themselves! they had to deal w/ the fiends on their own bc mr. house and the ncr didnt rlly care abt them and left them to fend for themselves. novac also came up w/ their own solutions to protecting themselves w/ boone and manny. and maybe this is the optimist in me, but i think fixing supply issues will reduce the need for communities to protect themselves from other ppl.

anyway yeah. the communities in new vegas have SO much potential to build smth great. i love thinking abt it.

[gyuvision]

going, going, gone! -> [back to masterlist?]

wc ; 1.4k - pairing ; 1b hong seunghan x team manager fem reader

summary ; seunghan is benched for an argument between another player, but even though hes feeling down he convinces you to stay with him after hours.

contains -> swearing, fluff, comfort, angst

note - i love myungjae please know its just for the plot 😞

“but coach, its not fair! i dont understand what it is that i did wrong.” seunghan pleaded, quickly pulling his sweaty jersey off and changing into a clean tee as he begged the coach to let him play.

“seunghan please. you know i wouldnt bench my star player without a reason. even if its nationals, what you did was beyond unacceptable.” coach myung gestured to his nephew who was sitting on a bench with an ice pack to his swollen cheek.

myung jaehyun may have been a good player, but he wouldn’t have made it on the team if his uncle hadn’t been the coach. in doing so, he got away with almost anything with little to no consequences making him one of the most feared players in comparison to seunghan, who was the most respected.

“he yelled profanities at me and hit on our manager, y/n! not to mention how he came at me first?” seunghan defended himself, pointing to his bruised eye.

“hong seunghan that is more than enough! i’ve had it with you. you’re benched for the rest of the season. i don’t care who started what but i will not tolerate this behavior. not on my team. when you come back here tomorrow i’d expect you best have your attitude straightened up. everyone is dismissed.” the coach announced with not another word as he left the locker room, with the rest of the team following behind.

“damn it!” seunghan yelled, punching his locker in anger and disappointment.

“you really thought he’d let you play after that?” jaehyun scoffed. “you need a reality check, hong.”

“you’re still here?.. get out.”

“like my parents aren’t the ones who own the place? besides. the only reason you’re still here is because you’re dating the manager. i would’ve had a better chance anyway”

“i said get the fuck out. unless you want me to fuck up your other cheek too.”

“some nerve.” he muttered before walking through the door.

seunghan sighed, grabbing his jersey to go and sit in the dugout up until he saw you getting ready to leave.

“thought you left already.” seunghan whispered, knowing you heard everything. he didn’t want to disappoint you any further.

“oh seunghan..” you sighed, leaving your bag to go up to him and fix his messy bangs.

“i would try to-” “just please stay.” he begged as he wrapped his arms around your waist, hiding his face in your hair.

“seunghan..”

“..please?”

“…okay.” you nodded, letting him lead you to the field and to their dugout.

“whats on your mind?”

“i just dont get it.” seunghan spoke, looking into the pink horizon before turning to meet your eyes.

“get what?”

“why such jerks like myung jaehyun think theyre so much better than everyone else because theyre born into nepotism. it defeats everything ive worked so hard for.”

“he thinks hes better because hes privileged. but it doesnt mean that he actually is, babe.”

“i guess.”

“what if i talk to coach myung to let you play tomorrow? i know he wont let you play for the rest of the season but maybe tomorrow at least, hopefully.”

“you dont have to.”

“i know how happy baseball makes you. i couldnt just sit and watch you be so disappointed while you deserve to be out there. its worth a try.” you reassure him.

“i dont deserve you.” he muttered.

“this team doesnt deserve you. they mistreat you. thats why i wanted you to come with me to play varsity in the states, where i’d be the new manager.”

“that doesn’t sound too bad. maybe i’ll just finish off this season first.”

“it’s your choice, but there’s a better opportunity there than however little the myungs have to offer.”

after a few moments you both left the dugout to walk the stadium, passing under the bleachers and beyond the closed food stands before finding a seat with a good view of the field, and the sunset.

you stayed there at the stadium with him for a little while longer before you get up, telling him you have to go.

“i know they have no chance of advancing without you. he has to let you play. you’ll hit me a homerun won’t you?”

“always.” he chuckled. “it’ll be going, going, gone.”

[coalswriting]

clumsy confessions - lottie matthews

summary - in which a clumsy girl finally confesses her blooming feelings for lottie matthews (approx 1.8k words)

a/n - i'm really sick rn and i dont really like this at all, but i decided i gotta feed my fellow lottie fans!! hopefully my quality of writing will improve soon :(( love you all <3

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

you never really liked soccer. you didn’t consider yourself the sporty type; more-so someone who liked to watch the sport and cheer from the sidelines. however, something made you join soccer. something great, something exciting, something beautiful – and that something was lottie matthews.

the first day you tried to approach lottie matthews, you tripped on a cone. it was a rainy day and the team had just finished practicing. everyone was drenched to the bone, and you were excited to shoot your shot. however, during your walk to lottie, your foot caught on the demonic neon orange thing, and you had tumbled over, falling flat on your back. you squinted as rain droplets fell into your eyes, blinding you gently. when you sat up, wiping mud off your uniform, you noticed lottie watching you. as she began to walk towards you, you scrambled up and stormed away, towards the locker room. what you didn’t see was the brunette’s gentle smile.

 this became a reoccurring theme. first it was the cone, then it was a puddle in the changing room, then it was someone’s bag, a shoe, and so on. the list was endless. eventually you did talk to lottie, and the two of you became close friends – not best friends, but you knew each other well enough to be able to hold up a long conversation, and gods, was she perfect. talking with lottie never lasted minutes – you were enthralled by her as she would ramble about some drama she had heard about, her poor french grade, her breakfast; anything.

you always had to tiptoe around her, since every time you tried to make anything relatively close to a move, you would trip, fall, or somehow embarrass yourself. unfortunately for you, this newfound friendship with lottie made you only fall (no pun intended) harder; and, with deeper feelings came a deeper heartbreak.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

it was nearing the end of the soccer season when you decided you would finally ask lottie out. with the help of shauna, jackie, and taissa, you had made the perfect fool-proof plan to talk to lottie without ruining your chances.

shauna and taissa had left practice a little earlier that day to rid the locker room of anything that could potentially get in the way of you and lottie; everyone’s shoes were neatly arranged under the benches, bags were shoved far into a corner that you rarely inhabited, and the floor was completely dry, eliminating any chance of slipping.

outside, jackie kept an eye out for any cones, any loose bags, jerseys, muddy puddles and kept the girls busy so that you could have your moment.

as practice ended, you began to walk towards lottie, deciding to have a short conversation before dropping the bomb. you nodded at jackie as she straightened herself up before announcing, “everyone please stay behind for a second! i have some criticism to give, (y/n) and lottie, you can go ahead.”

everyone emitted a loud groan as you skipped over to your beautiful friend who only smiled at you with the most gentle, heavenly grin ever.

“hey, (y/n), practice was tough today, wasn’t it?”

you nodded, walking alongside her across the field, “yeah, jackie just keeps pushing us harder and harder. i guess because the season is coming to an end… do you think you’ll be able to keep up with practice over the summer?”

“oh yeah, for sure!”, lottie quipped, “i go jogging every morning anyways, and then i’m sure jackie will organise something with coach martinez too.”

humming in response, the conversation quickly fell silent. normally, silence with lottie was never a problem. you felt comfortable with her, and she felt comfortable with you, so the two of you could often just enjoy each other’s company without needing to talk. however, today, the atmosphere felt heavier.

lottie looked ahead for a brief moment, but right before entering the locker room, she stopped you. “(y/n),” you looked up to meet her intense gaze, “is something wrong?”

taking a deep breath, you looked down at your hands, then back up at her, “um, well..”

you took a few steps towards the sink to wash your hands, “yeah, i wanted to ask you somethi-“

you were cut off by the sensation of something catching under your foot, and straight after, you went tumbling down, lurching towards the lockers. before you knew it, you felt your head slam against something hard and cold with a loud “THNK!”

you picked yourself up after a moment, clutching your head in pain. recollecting yourself, you looked down at your shoes to notice you had tripped on your own shoelace, launching yourself against a locker. lottie quickly bent down next to you, worry etched on her face. “are you okay, (y/n)?”, she gasped, helping you up, “please sit down so i can-”

“forget it, lottie!” you snapped, voice trembling. dizzily, you stood up and strutted out, clenching your jaw, as you bit back tears. you were done with trying anymore; you couldn’t help but embarrass yourself. bitterly, you decided that lottie would probably always see you as a klutz – you had to just get over her, because you knew that you would never recover from the embarrassment of what had just happened.

you bumped shoulders off jackie who was now walking into the locker room, eliciting a concerned look from her. her gaze followed you, lingering for a second, before returning towards lottie. “did (y/n) trip?”, is all she asked, lottie nodding her head in response. jackie sighed deeply. she didn’t want to out you nor your crush to her teammate, but at this point, she was too concerned for your wellbeing, and furthermore the wellbeing of the team.

“i know she likes me,” lottie said, simply, interrupting jackie’s train of thought, “i just want her to ask me – i’ve known since the day she first joined practice.”

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

avoiding lottie was eerily easy. you had simply stopped being near her all together since conversation would fall flat almost immediately. during practice, the two of you played on different teams, and lottie often stared at you longingly from the other side of your chemistry class. you began to feel awful, wondering whether she had figured out your feelings and was content with you avoiding her. it had been a week now, and lottie began to grow frustrated.

closing your chemistry textbook, you zipped your bag up, waving bye to van, your lab partner. you noticed lottie stare at you in the corner of your eye before she suddenly stood up, beelining towards you. “shitshitshit,” you mumbled nervously under your breath, speeding out of the lab.

she was on your pursuit, calling your name, only causing you to speed up, barrelling through the tsunami of oncoming students. however, before you knew it, someone grabbed you by the wrist and shoved you into a nearby janitors’ closet.

you could feel your heart in your throat as lottie leaned against the door of the poorly lit room, glaring at you. your palms grew sweaty, and you felt almost small as you waited for her to say something.

after what must’ve been a tense silence of twenty seconds, you decided to make a move towards escape.

“hey, uh, look, lottie, i have calculus now and-”

your foot slipped, catching off a bucket and you fell forwards, towards your teammate. your hands slammed on the door, her head in between. “shit, sorry…”, you murmured, your faces close together. lottie watched you intently, both of your cheeks reddening.

“(y/n),” she said, voice laced with an amorously velvet tone, “i know you want to tell me something.”

“uh.. i, uh…” your brain short circuited momentarily. being in this position with lottie was bad enough, but between the way she was staring at you, and the tone of voice she had used, you were expecting to pass out from how flustered and hot you were feeling.

“just do it,” she whispered, voice softer now.

you gulped, feeling a knot form in your stomach from the anxiety that had built up this past week.

“lottie, i really like you.”

lottie cracked a smile, her heart beginning to match the pace of your own, “i like you too, (y/n).”

you looked at her as she blinked innocently with doe eyes, shock on your face. “no, like, lottie. i really like you. like, i want us to go on dates and cuddle and kiss and shit.”

the room fell silent, and you swore, lottie could hear your heart thumping against your ribcage.

“are you willing to lose me if you pursue these feelings?”, she teased, watching your face scrunch up in hesitation.

“i… yes,” you replied simply, “i really want to spend the rest of my life with you, but as more than a friend.”

your muscles began to ache, being held in their strenuous position. however, you held up for a little longer, watching as thoughts whirred through lotties head, her eyes glinting in deep pondering. then, she wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer. her lips crashed on yours, inducing you to moan breathlessly.

the first thing you learned about lottie matthews that day was that she was a good kisser. she steered your body and lips with her own, gliding her hands across your spine with feathery touches, bringing out a shiver. her lips were soft and gentle against your own, as she engulfed you in a passionate heat, bringing a hand up to hold your jaw. the second thing you learned about lottie matthews that day is that she was a tease.

you gasped, breathlessly, as she pulled away, nipping at your bottom lip in the process. her eyes darkened as she smirked at you deviously. “lets talk about our feelings some more after practice today. my house?”

“uh…”, you whimpered, as she looked into your eyes deeply before placing a feathery peck on your lips.

“later, (y/n)”, her voice was laced with sticky honey, as she scrunched her nose teasingly, before slipping out of the closet. you stood there, lips flushed and face so hot, that you swore you were running a fever. then suddenly, you erupted into a joyous giggle and smile, recalling the way she had looked at you. you were desperate for more.

to say the least, practice that day was much more difficult than ever before. every time lottie exchanged an innocent smile with you, you remembered what had happened in the janitor’s closet, causing your legs to wobble, and a lovestruck smile to emerge onto your face. jackie had come up to you on multiple occasions, checking in on you.

“your face is so red, (y/n), are you alright? do you need to sit? do you want some water?”

you didn’t reply, simply catching lottie’s smirk from across the field.

the third thing you learned about lottie matthews that day is that she liked you back.

[the-record]

YOU’RE GONNA GO FAR

SUMMARY: you’d wait up for the rest of your life for nelly.

PAIRING: nell jackson x readership

WARNINGS: honestly a homoerotic friendship bc duh!!! death and grief

A/N: disclaimer that i have no idea if these times and dates r accurate but used my best context clues!!! anyways i actually like this one a lot :))

‘YOU’RE THE GREATEST THING WE’VE LOST’

tottenham, 1698

you didn’t understand. she was leaving? with some man, captain jackson, none of you knew.

“but why?” you ask, feeling out of breath. “what about george and roxy?” your eyes fill with tears as you pace in-front of nelly. “what about me?” 

she stops you, grabbing your hands and pulling you in-front of her. she’s sitting on your bed, legs spread just enough to be ‘un-ladylike’. “george and roxy have pa, they’ll be fine.” her hands grip yours tighter than they ever have as she stares into your eyes. youre sure she can see your soul, can read your every thought. “and you’ll be fine. some fella will want you, im sure of it.” 

you scoff and shake off her hands. “i don’t want some fella nelly, i want you to be here!” you laugh as you shake your head in disbelief. “don’t know why i try, you wont listen anyways.” the sun sets slowly outside your window and you watch as it gets darker. “think you should be getting home.” nelly sighs like she wants to say more but you shake your head. “not a suggestion, go home.” 

she knows better than to fight you on it, no matter how much she wants to stay here and help you make sense of it. you avoid her gaze as she walks out, not responding to the quiet ‘bye’ she says as she leaves.

it’s been days since nelly talked to you, she was getting nervous you wouldn’t say goodbye when they left tomorrow.

“nelly,” roxy’s got george in her arms as she helps around the pub. “she came round, said to meet you by some tree.” nelly doesn’t need roxy to clarify who ‘she’ is before she sets off.

she finds you sitting the base of the tree, your back against the trunk. hair tucked in a bonnet and laundry dress on, nelly doesn’t think you’ve ever looked more beautiful.

she slows down as she gets closer, taking the time to walk the distance and pray you dont hate her. she doesn’t think she could handle that. you look up when she’s just a few feet away and give her a gentle, friendly smile. nelly is out of breath, but trying, and failing, to hide it. flopping down beside you, she stares while waiting for you to speak.

“i’m sorry.” it’s quiet, and maybe unsure. you don’t look at her when you say it, eyes favoring the field across the path. “wasn’t trying to be mean,” you start. “feel like im gonna be here forever. and i just…” you trail off and pick at the grasses. “just scared of missin’ you.” your heart feels like it’s going to fall out of your chest at the admission. 

but she finds it endearing and sweet. and she finds that a part of her feels the same. “i hope you do,” she teases. “need a reason to come home, don’t i?” you smack her shoulder, but you laugh. nelly saves the sweet sound in the back of her mind. 

“i’m always gonna be waiting up for you, nell.”

true to your word, you wait for six years. 2,361 days of waiting when word finally comes. 

nelly, your nelly, dead. alongside that horrible captain jackson who stole her all those years ago. you blame him. 

a light switches off after that.

roxy becomes bit more reserved, she works more. she dedicates the rest of her free time to her pa and george. they fight over nelly, over the gravestone he wouldn’t buy.

sam was always hardheaded, but even more so now. he pretends her death doesn’t affect him, but in the quiet at night in the privacy of his room, he thinks of her.

george was too young to ever really know nelly, but she feels a sort of loss. she grieves the sister she never got to truly experience. 

you cut off the trotters, suddenly their existence being to strong of a reminder. you dream about her nearly every night.

“m’lady,” nelly snatches your hand and pulls you towards her as you walk through the field. she kneels and you fake gasp. “will you give me your hand in marriage?” her toff impression makes you laugh but you try to hold it in as you nod. a dandelion turned ring is placed on your marriage finger. “connects to your heart y’know.” 

you inspect it carefully, catching it in the low sun. “i suppose that’ll do.” 

you don’t sleep much anymore.

you’re on your way to your shift at the laundry when roxy shows up in-front of you, completely out of breath. she doesn’t say a word, just takes your hand and pulls you with her. you trust the girl not to question it and follow her to the talbot. 

an army man stands talking to sam by the bar but youre only confused for a moment. 

“nelly?” roxy’s voice is breathless, ever so slightly deeper than the last time you talked. more mature. but you don’t have time to worry about that when the army man turns.

and nelly makes sense now. 

she’s here, ginger curls tucked under a hat. freckles still decorating her cheeks. lips cracked and split on one side, but forever the prettiest shade of pink. 

she catches roxy and you think you may fall over yourself. because she’s dead. for a year now. you worry your imagining it all, stuck in a nightmare. but when she calls your name and youre pulled out of a trance, you know she’s real. she’s here. alive.

“you’re dead.” you whisper, not truly meaning to. she’s confused for a moment, looking over to roxy who nods in agreement.

nelly raises her eyebrows. “well that explains the way everyone’s looking at me.” 

your head shakes and you have to take a step back, then forward, before ultimately turning on your heel and leaving. walking as far as your tired legs will take you. over to the graveyard and to her ‘headstone’ roxy and george made her. 

nelly jackson. 1683-1704. 

you didn’t imagine it. youre not sure how long you’ve been there when they girls come up behind you, chatting away. making up for lost time. you still can’t wrap your head around it.

a letter told you all of her passing alongside captain jackson, her husband. you grieved the girl for months. watched as the trotters changed to fit the loss of her soul. 

yet now she walks side by side the girls and stops beside you at the wooden cross. “well.” you stand up and look from her to the cross. “roxy, george, give us a minute. yeah?” the girls walk away, a newfound pep. 

“i don’t get it.” you say as your hand wipes down your face. “you dont write, visit, send any word for six years. you die, and now youre here.” your hands flail as you speak. “seven years, nelly, seven. and now youre back?” 

she’s quiet for a moment, thinking of what to say. “nell.”

you laugh sarcastically, utterly confused. “what?”

“nell.” she says again. “not nelly anymore.”

you could slap her. she deserves it. “are you bloody serious?” and when you laugh again, it’s not the one she saved in a box in her mind. it’s empty. “that’s all you have to say.”

“i was widowed, captain jackson, he was blown up at the battle of blenheim.” nelly, nell, explains. “apparently i was too.” she adds. “didn’t know or i would’ve found someone to write.”

it’s enough for now. enough to satisfy you and break your heart. enough to fill you with guilt. “oh nell.” your arms find their way around her neck, clicking into place like a puzzle piece. her own wrap around your waist and bring you close. you stay like that for a moment, not nearly long enough. “i waited for you.”

nell laughs, a real true laugh that lets your reality set in place. she’s here. truly really here with you. “i knew you would.”

childish as it may be, you slept over at the trotters several times after nell’s return. you had a lot to catch up on after all.

the night’s were quiet, the both of you speaking softly as to not wake anyone.

“my mum’s hounding me to find a husband,” you sigh, playing with a rogue curl by her face. her own hand traces along your side while she listens intently. “i dread the day she finds one for me.”

nell’s quiet for a moment. she takes in the moment. you laying down beside her with your arm reaching towards her face. she’s propped up her head with a hand and is memorizing your features. not new, but now different than they used to be. a part of her wishes to stay here forever. another dreams to explore the world.

“i could make a good husband.” she jokes. but you don’t laugh, don’t even smile. she sees you adopt this far off look and she worries she’s upset you. “hey,” you snap back and nod, a fake smile adorning your face after a moment. “what’s wrong?” she whispers, leaning ever so slightly closer.

but you shake your head and dismiss it. “tired.” nell knows you’re lying, you could stay up all night. but she doesn’t push, she instead nods and blows out the candle. she lays down and let’s you slide closer until your head finds her shoulder and your eyes close. “take me with.”

nell hums, confused. “what’d you mean?”

“next time you leave.” you say softly.

“i’m tired of waiting up.”

‘AND WE’LL ALL BE HERE FOREVER’

[cookiedough77]

PLEASEEEEEE IM DYING TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR OCSSSSS 🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐🛐

oh my gah

well heres some... refrences i made a while back GAH I NEED TO DRAW MORE OF THEM UH UH UH

man ok so i put alot of their lore into a google doc ill just like copy and paste alot of it here:

Okok more of a deep dive on these guys because i wanna do more with them

OK JAY BACKSTORY

So initially, jays mom like wiped out a bunch of superheroes, like when jay was really young (he cant remember it) and shortly after, what very little heroes were left or heroes who were only “super” because of the gear they had, an order was created, to try and take her down

His entire life he was raised by his evil ass mom, mainly manipulating him inot thinking humans were bad (they are generally human but with so much magic into their system that they really arent anymore i guess, similar to like a vampire or a werewolf or something). Its not that jay didnt believe his mother but more of he knew something was wrong with what she was doing, how she was going about things

His mother was a wanted criminal for years, and she was mainly destructive or whatever because her husband died idk-

Im making this up as i go, her husband died from too much magic intake? Like he couldnt handle it, but jays mother blamed humanity because “they were the ones holding him back from his potential” 

Jay barely knew his father, so its not like he had a super connection to him

Now while he was growing up, he didnt actually see his mother attack superheros, mainly took her anger out on civilian, even then she didnt like kill them or anything. So he didnt see his mother as a bad person….. UNTIL 

A new superhero actually DID show up, or merely, one that was “taken down” and came back, and maybe or maybe not jays mother wanted him to kill whoever it was and hes like “uh NO????” she does it herself and jay immediately wants out of this, but he doesnt exactly have a choice, so he starts disobeying her for like a year, and then…

Another superhero shows up, a young one, a new one, a vulnerable one. Im not exactly sure how kylo and jay interact and stuff at first because i guess its the “beginning” not the backstory idk sooooooo save that for later!!!

Anyway well i guess kylos next which is complicated man

Gah you’ve heard about this, one of a bunch of orphans actually survived some mutation and that was kylo, who initially wasnt even given a name, kylos name shows up later

So because theres a “superhero shortage” the order decided instead of waiting, to just make more, no matter how, they just needed strong enough heroes to take down any threats, including jays mom, and yes i know i need a name for her

Now remember when i talked about kylo having “siblings” yeah so there are others, just none of the orphans, “failed attempts” before kylo, too much of the mutation so they're not really “usable” and they science people are trying their hardest to make them “work” they also dont see them as real people!!! Hahahaha

Anyway kylo was kinda like raised like this, usually isolated from the other attempts because she was “perfect” and it was mainly two scientists taking care of kylo, they were new, and didn’t have much experience in the field, kylo was their first “assignment” and btw idk they’re a couple, and when kylo turned 10 they both suggested before kylo going out and “being a superhero” that she should like interact with real people, she looked human enough, and she could blend in, and learn like basic empathy from other people/kids

The order approved this and those are basically kylos adoptive parents.

BUT not before wiping all of kylos memory!!! Hahah they’ve tested it out before, and decide to use it on kylo, to not mess with anything, and the memory just doesnt “go away” its like a polaroid camera and rolls of memories spills out, and they keep it safe, locked away

So kylo spends like 3 years homeschooled, and realizes that shes “different” than others (kylos parents didnt really explain anything to them (they werent allowed)). So she comes up with a dumb constume like all heros and decides to make good use out of it

This all leads up to the actual beginning of the story which is like i dont even know where to start but like i can tell you that kylo and jay team up, obviously jay has more experience with his abilities and is like the main person to take down his mother, but kylo definitely helps

The order “meets” kylo and lets her stay obviously, and jay… well they’re wary of him, and make him stay in the building (where the order resides) to keep an eye on him, and this is basically where jay stays until like hes 18

Jays “indenity” is quickly released to the public, an requirement from the order, and jay tries to do whatever they say to make him seem trustworthy (because he is, my poor boy), all while, kylo is instructed to not tell ANYONE who they are, and kylo follows the rules at first, but over the years she likes to challenge them alot.

Jay and kylo quickly become friends and trust eachother obviously uh uh, yeah, theirs other villains of course, and kylo and jay become friends even while civilians but kylo is told to “not get so close” but they try anyway bruh idk

A lot of things happen and ill probably draw some stuff out or talk about it because man theres so much up in this noggin and it yearns to be free

[preciadosbass]

12/8/24 [draft from yesterday — monday. key & significant photos at end]

woke up at a reasonable time due to my sister waking me up. i went out to see boris and stayed out with him for quite a long time. however i came inside every now and then to watch my sister play fnaf security breach. she got somewhere near up to the point where you get a fazz blaster and are then able to stun animatronics. i was feeling sick because my eyes were strained and my neck/back felt weird so i had a nap at 1. i woke up at 3:30, scrolled on mcrblr/a mcr community and then continued watching my sister game at 4.

i don’t mind watching her play games that i’m into. its a shame i’m so painfully bad at actually playing them, though, because otherwise i’d do that instead. id love to play fnaf4, or the evil within, or something. i once again stopped watching her [6] to look through pinterest. it seemed as if she wanted to game with her new friend anyways. i scrolled through a few photography related posts and saved a few more diy ideas. somewhere around this time, my mum and her friends came back from afternoon lunch. i only got prompted to get dressed into actual clothes once i heard them come through the door. my sister started briefly speaking to me.

i went out of my room for a few minutes before they came into the living room, and when i came back i found her dressed in my clothes, trying to put on my silver studded belt. i helped her put it on, then she left and got into my dark green cargos [im gunna be wearing these so much because of the heat, i despise summer], my sleeping with sirens ‘feel’ shirt, and various band bracelets and studded/spiked cuffs. i saved some baking inspo and eventually came out into the living room and greeted them.

they brought up how i used to write novels [anyone i haven’t seen in ages does] and i told them about my new thing, journaling. i usually see two of the three women that came over, but one of them brought her twin. she was really, really friendly. they’re all quite loud together but i dont think i minded seeing them. one of them apparently asked my mum if i’m emo which is funny to me, although i take it as a compliment — at least i’m easily identifiable. they started asking if i made the bracelets i was wearing, the answer being no for the most part, so my mum told me to show them the kandi i’ve made. i showed them my most recent 3D cuffs and they spoke about it for a long time. while them and my parents spoke, i got 8x a ruler length of elastic ready for my can tab bracelet.

they left at 7 and i waved them off while outside on the driveway with boris. i didn’t get the chance to make the can tab bracelet afterwards like i’d originally thought, as my parents recommended all of us [me, them and my sister] to on a walk. i obviously agreed but my sister didn’t want to go and got really stubborn and had an argument with my parents because she didn’t want to go; or be home alone, but my parents and i persisted and told her we want to keep/be healthy. she eventually gave in, not willingly, and we went to the ‘london’ field almost opposite our house. i had a blackberry from the bushes and picked a few for my sister. they were ridiculously sour, i couldn’t keep it in my mouth.

once we’d walked down to the bottom of the field and then a quarter way back up, my dad started getting attacked by flying ants. at one point, there was at least 25 swarming his neck. we all found it really funny because he was the only one being targeted. they finally went away after a lot of my sister’s professional shirt pulling skills and once we’d gotten back to the top of the field. i was literally gasping for air again because the grass still makes you feel like your walking through snow. we got home at 9 and i cuddled boris. my mum came out to throw some food out for the foxes and i had the chance to show her the decently big spiders swarming the wooden sleepers outside.

she came back in and i got myself some low cal crackers before sitting back next to boris. i had my phone flashlight on my food incase any bugs snacked on it but i ended up attracting three spiders over. they circled around my feet and i decided to go back inside as i’d finished my crackers, it was cold, and i didn’t feel great about not really knowing if the spiders were on me or not. [very low quality photo of spider at end]. don’t get me wrong, i love spiders. i’m just not keen when they come out of nowhere/big ones crawl all over me without it being on purpose. i went back onto mcrblr and screenshotted photos from my concert videos for my previous, previous, previous journal.

i went up to my parents room to chat for a short while and ask questions about boris. while up there, i searched for the group concert photo the black charade took at the concert. i found it and showed my parents the picture of me and my dad in the crowd. [photos at end, we’re the ones with blacked out faces and arrows pointing at us.] also while we were speaking, my dad told me a story about my late cat going right onto the top of our roof while i was at school, and that id seen damon albarn. which is kinda crazy. i said goodnight to boris at an unknown time and my stomach started cramping like crazy because id forgotten my meds so i tried to be quite quick. i finished at went to sleep at 3 after boris visited me in my room.

🗝️ — boris/my cat

have a good day/night O_o

[nekomanager]

SINCE ITS TETSUREIII SZN!!!! I AM HEREEE WITHHHH TEH A LITTOL Q/A EHEHEH

WHERE DID ALL THIS BEGINNN FROMMM !!! TEH FRIST PAGE OF TETSUREIII STORYYY <33

TELLL MEEEEEEEE EVERYTHINGGG!!!!!!!!

For how it all began:

It was love at first sight for the both of us. Like you see a person and you just fit like missing puzzle pieces. We talked like it wasn't our first time seeing each other. The crowd just faded and it seemed like it's just the two of us. We knew we would never forget that moment but we have to part ways. Days or months passed maybe even a year and it became just a distant memory. Maybe something I drew an inspiration from for my story, until we met again at a different circumstance. This time it's no longer a one time thing and he won't allow it to be a one-time thing either. We just picked up where we left off and we both knew that this was it. It might be an ordinary story for some but it was serendipitous for us, knowing that all the heartaches, loneliness and solitude we endured are what led us to each other. Finally, we're at the right place and right time with the right person.

We're friends first, because I came off a little detached he knew it would take time but he was patient. Started with sending funny memes and reels until he gauged what I liked. Scheduled phone calls bc I dont do well in chats until it became a habit for us to call each other at that specific time and day. We talked about anything that we could expand, our theories, our day, rant abt officemates. He debated with me for fun throwing what ifs scenarios. Then he began being more physically present. Going to my office to pick me up. Taking me out on a friendly date. He wasn't flirty at first until he smoothly transitioned being INTJ x ENTP friendship to lovers bc the chemistry and the hidden tension can't be denied anyway. He made me feel secured to be with him. Like I'm free. Free to fall, to love and to be myself.

below the cut is how I ended up simping for him teheee

I was really into Oikawa. He's my first love which I learned to get over just now bc I miss Kuroo in a way I don't miss Oikawa. (Why does this sound so real?) Ngl, it's Kuroo I found to be most attractive but he seemed so unattainable for me that I did a pass. At first, I just love writing for him because a mutual loves him very much and my readers always fangirl for him in my fics and all the requests I'm getting are for Kuroo Kuroo Kuroo even if I even voluntarily write for Oikawa. Lol. I was like okaaay. Until I asked for match ups and ask games and I ended up getting him over and over again too. Tell me about it. Haha. Then I posted some selfship stuff abt Oikawa and I got nothing. I posted that I got Kuroo for an ask game and everyone just idk interacted and I was like uhmm what? Even my moots from other fandom are into the tetsurei agenda. What are these people seeing that I'm not seeing? Like yeah he's handsome and he wears suit and tie which I love but...anyway lol just lol hahaha. (Gosh, I sounded so in denial on this) It's funny that we even work in the same field. A follower even pointed it out. Tbh I still can't understand where they are coming from. As time passed by, I enjoyed our ship more than anything else. He's all I can think to write about. TBH IDK! Hahaha! This made me reread all my kuroo fics and wondered howww? I reread the oldest one back in Dec 2020. It didn't do things for me then but it gave me the feels now. I even forgot what it was but the way I wrote for him never changed. I realized that in all the Y/Ns I wrote for all the characters, I've been writing myself whenever it's with Kuroo. I just realized it now. Maybe that's why it's easier for ppl to associate him with me too bc it shows. I still dk! But whatever I love him. I'd love to have a Kuroo just for me.

I think I'm oblivious like real life oblivious. Oh well. (Good luck to all the intj simps out there: I'm talkin for Rin, Tsukki, Akaashi, Geto, Niko) We're dense af and in denial. Good luck.

[haejjoon]

Hi I agree with the mako discussion I have always been neutral to her and this whole discussion articulated why. I feel like there's a big disconnect between the story concepts for p5 and the writers. I.e Ann's themes Vs her treatment in writing

Also I'm a local oc X canon shipper who likes to rewrite stories to insert my oc & Ur fic & blog is giving me inspiration for what I can do because I only recently started p5r after watching rtgame play it so I haven't digested & criticised details in full yet so hearing Ur thoughts really helps articulate vague impressions I've had!!!

That being said, I'm interested what u think of Sumi Because. I low-key don't like her (I DONT HATE HER but I don't love her beyond "she's cute")

Anyway that's all!!!! I love Ur au bye bye ✨

- oc anon

aw. hey anon!! thanks so much for dropping by :)) im glad the discussion helped somewhat

oh boy...... sumi. where do i begin.

i'll be clear from the start: i love fanon sumi. i think shes adorable, i love seeing her in fics, fanart, etc etc. and for the longest time i couldn't figure out why i loved her sm in fandom and hated her in canon? and then i realized:

sumi's character... has no clear purpose.

(sojiro voice) let me explain

each of the phantom thieves have a recurring theme of finding or rediscovering identity.

ryuji with track + his old teammates

ann with her stance on modeling

yusuke with his purpose for creating art (oh boy i also have a lot to say about Him)

makoto with her burnt out but not quite burnt out gifted kid syndrome

futaba with her purpose for living at all (ouch)

and haru with how she wants to define herself without her father's influence.

the only (ONLY) exceptions to this is akechi and the protagonist. akiren is the catalyst to aiding the others discover identity, and akechi already has his purpose in life so ingrained he doesn't need to (or doesn't bother) trying to grow as a person.

now... sumi.

she's first introduced as the brilliant gymnast honor student. over time, it's clear that she struggles with meeting others' (and even her own) expectations for herself.

if we follow the same formula for the other thieves, this would be when she'd start questioning why she does gymnastics at all, or who she does gymnastics for. instead, she double downs on her supposed love for the sport, and only spirals deeper and deeper when simple "hard work" doesn't pay off.

obviously we know why. she thinks she's her dead sister. but thematically, it just clashes with all the rest of the characters already presented, because the player now has no idea where her character's going with this. she suffers from the same thing makoto's character does: tons of payoff, no clear resolution.

by the end of the faith confidant she declares that she'll now be doing gymnastics as sumire, and not kasumi. that doesn't change the expectations stacked upon her to succeed. sumi never says, "it's okay if i don't succeed, because i'm doing my best." she says, "i'm going to succeed as sumire yoshizawa and not kasumi yoshizawa, and everyone will see me shine in my own way."

and don't get me wrong. it's a lovely conclusion on its own and i'm proud of her for it, but narratively it came so out of left field. there was no set up for that specific drive to succeed As Herself, because the entire set up thus far was that she just couldn't succeed at all. this is why the entire confidant felt so stilted to me.

and the reason for such a strange ending note is because of the twist itself. no one expected her to actually be her dead older sister. suddenly, sumi is a completely different person, and you're just supposed to roll with it through her confidant. there's just no time within the confidant itself for the player to digest it.

moving on from that though i just fucking hate how she's marketed. her entire palette is a copy and cut paste from joker's. her outfit is somehow worse than ann's--i get it, leotard for her gymnastic skills, but look up gymnastic leotards when you get the chance. there's no plunging necklines like her costume shows. her coat (again, carbon copy from joker's) is cut in the back in a way that no matter What You Do or How You Look at her, all you see is a flash of ass and thigh. the first thing you see of her the MOMENT YOU OPEN THE GAME is a slow pan up starting from her exposed crotch, for fuck's sake. fuck you atlus, she's fifteen.

also????? she's supposedly a gymnast, but she?? uses a ribbon??????? in her all out attack and in her final performance at the end of her confidant rank? is this just a localization issue? ribbon dancing and gymnastics are two very different sports???? someone explain??

she also pops up in thr story at the most random times, because the writing team over our beloved atlus couldn't figure out how to shoehorn her in to make her relevant to the main plot. why does she get the app in the first place, having nothing to do with the thieves as a whole? why does she awaken to a persona at all in maruki's palace, when all she does is vehemently deny who she really is?

dont argue with me on this, but the reason why she awakens to her persona SPECIFICALLY AT THAT POINT IN THE STORY at all... is so atlus could shove her into the opening cutscene where she "saves" joker. so the players could get hyped seeing her supple fifteen year old Pan Up From Crotch in the first five minutes of the game. joker didn't need saving. fuck off

and if you're gonna follow the rules already set in the p5 universe: how come she can use her persona so effectively in the first place? haru couldn't, even though she awakened. sumi definitely shouldn't be able to, given the whole... denying who she really is situation.

and lastly there's just some aspects of how she's depicted that rly irk me, but those are absolutely just my personal feelings. nothing inherently wrong with them, just annoying to me specifically:

- her over the top polite nature that only hinders her, but she doesn't abandon it to set straight boundaries with those being rude to her because she can't meet their expectation. even makoto told the principal to leave her alone that one time.

- the way she's so clearly shoved towards joker as the Canon Choice like makoto was in vanilla. p4 does this with rise, too, but it's far more bearable because of just how over the top she is with it, at least for me. i had a problem with yukari in p3 for much of the same reason as sumi.

- the fact that her outfit doesn't change after she accepts herself as sumire. i understand that it'd be a lot of work, but narratively, wouldn't it make more sense for it to change? akechi got two outfits (both ugly but i digress) for the two facets in his true self. if her thief outfit is a manifestation of her doubling down on her identity as kasumi, why doesn't it change? why is her hair, a clear indication of who she is as a person, still in a ponytail despite everything??? is she taking on kasumi's confidence in the metaverse?? it just isn't clear.

- her fucking magical girl transformation in her original awakening. sorry. it just wasn't necessary. again this is totally just a me thing but WOW it pissed me off so much first time i watched it, because what purpose was there to include that other than to make the player go "oooooooo shiny girl pretty girl near costume ooooooooo".

i think thats most of it. as a personality i adore sumi. it's why i love seeing her in art and fics. but as a Character made to drive a story's plot, there's so many holes i'm surprised the ship is still chugging along.

obligatory "this is my opinion im not forcing it onto you if you wanna dispute it with me go righr ahead, i love character analysis threads" here. jesus fuck this was long.

love you anon. muah <3

[lilac-read]

Flat Stanley is a weird book.

First off, Stanley is dead. He's literally just dead. Buddy got crushed in his sleep by a bulletin board. He is legit described as being half an inch thick. Mans is DEAD.

Secondly, THERES JUST SUBTLE POLICE COMMENTARY???? Mrs. Lambchop gets called cuckoo by the police, but when they realize that she wasn't lying about her son being at the bottom of a storm drain, she tells them to think before they speak, and they're just like, "hey! Yeah! We should start doing that" Am I reading too much into this, or is that just a genuine commentary???

Third, WHO JUST MAILS THEIR CHILD???? WHAT IS THIS? A CLICKBAIT YOUTUBE FAMILY CHANNEL VIDEO FROM 2016??? THAT'S HORRIBLY IRRESPONSIBLE!!!!

Fourth, why is no one in the story addressing how hard this has made things for Arthur? Arthur is jealous because his brother is flat, but like, he's a child! Arthur is trying his best here. Don't be a jerk to Arthur because he wants to be cool and have friends.

And another thing, Mr. Lambchop is a horrible husband. Mrs. Lambchop tells him that she's having a hard time with the boys, and that he has no idea because he's always at work, and he just DISMISSES HER FEELINGS! HE BASICALLY SAYS THAT BOYS WILL BE BOYS AND CALLS IT A NIGHT!

The whole museum plot came out of left field and didn't really make much sense tbh. Why is this child being used to catch most-likely dangerous art thieves? Like, I get that it was his idea, but DONT LET THE CHILD BE STOLEN TO CATCH THESE THIEVES!!!! THIS WHOLE BOOK IS CHILD ABUSE!!!! ALSO, THIS WOULD NEVER WORK! NO CHILD WOULD BE ABLE TO SIT STILL FOR THAT LONG WITHOUT MOVING HIS EYES AROUND OR BLINKING!!!

These are the least responseable parents ever. 'lets let our child stand on spikes all night in a museum that's been getting robbed lately' OH YEAH, GREAT IDEA, FANTASTIC PARENTING LAMBCHOPS!!!

Also, the noses in the pictures are weird, what's up with that? Like, get it I guess but they're just not a very aesthetic choice.

BUT ANYWAYS, THE FACT THAT THE THIEVES LITERALLY SAID THAY THEY WOULD KILL A PERSON IF THEY TRIED TO CATCH THEM!! WHAT THE HECK!!!!!

I feel like when my elementary school was into Flat Stanley, we kinda missed the anti-bullying point. We literally started calling one kid Flat Stanley lol. Also, Mrs. Lambchop spitting facts, don't make fun of people based on religion, race, or body shape.

Arthur is such a good brother, and I feel like he doesn't get enough credit. He's so supportive of Stanley, and I feel like nobody ever mentions Arthur Lambchop. I didn't even remember him until I read the book again. He really tries so hard to help Stanley get back to normal. But being on the internet for so long has made that scene unreadable (my brain hurts)

I feel like Stanley going back to normal isn't a great ending though. It just kind of invalidates everything that just happened in the book. The whole point is gone.

And one last thing. We need to address why the bulletin board fell on him in the first place. His parents are just the worst.

thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

[becauseplot]

alright, finished osnf ep 9 here we go.

i am taking this so so seriously. (RIP the Helper and RIP Felps. he came he welcomed-to-santo-berco'd he ate buttery butter and he died. thank you for your service to the plot o7)

in any case, that sure was. that sure was something huh. first of all yippee the horrors are back!! kind of? there are horrific monsters and people lost sanity points and someone got knocked out so!! it counts.

there is definitely Something Up with this village though because well. OBVIOUSLY. the people here aren't completely human anymore and everyone is too nice and the food is too good and there's a weird-ass endless maze in the center that spits you out when you get bored. oh yeah and the village is actually alive(????) and has a very strict no smoking policy.

i guess where im being thrown is the double-whammy of the sudden genre/setting change and the way that this feels like it comes completely out of left field? i was actually so excited to see if Liz's time-wormhole-portal-whatever theory was correct because there was a SHITLOAD of evidence pointing towards time shenanigans, and i had actually been hoping it was correct because i love those kinds of time travel stories, where everything is actually part of one big loop. (though i suppose that would be pretty hard to nail in ttrpg since those kinds of stories require very delicate planning, and the whole point of ttrpg is the freedom it allows the players/characters. doomed-from-the-start stories wouldn't operate well in ttrpg huh. idk im not a GM nor have i played/watched much ttrpg but i imagine it can't be easy. ANYWAY.) instead we get to the cave and suddenly we're in a magical medieval village with overly friendly grey elves and massive cows with tiny heads and crystals that can heal grievous injuries in seconds?? it's kinda throwing me because i hop into an ordem paranormal VOD expecting urban horror-fantasy and now im just getting what feels like fantasy with the horror thrown on top of it.

of course, i dont wanna get that neg with this. i trust cellbit and his writing, and like i said, there's DEFINITELY more going on here. im not about to stop watching this series because im thrown off, but im kinda :T atm ykno. but again, trust!! i'll hopefully watch more tomorrow. im just not a big fan of massive setting/genre switches like these ones. i probably just need more time to get settled in.

there were still good moments in this episode!!! i like all of the townspeople (though if i am highly suspicious of them; even if they're not being intentionally malicious they might be complicit in something / causing harm and not realize it), and cellbit getting SOOOO excited when Thiago flicked his lighter and the mist descended and the horrors returned (him and me both). plus him grabbing every die he owns to roll for the Blacksmith (who is a fucking TANK holy shit he's so fucking strong what the hell) and to fuck with i think Rakin at some point? might've been Guaxi. oh and also

POV: your dumbass mentee keeps eating the probably-cursed food in the probably-cursed village and is probably about to get his ass persephone'd

anyway that is all for now. tl;dr - i am still enjoying most of this and ofc im gonna keep watching im just very ?????? rn, but i trust the process. gn <3

edit: FUCK I FORGOT TO MENTION---current theory is that the blond woman who was last seen with Team Kelvin was the pilgrim who brought them to Santo Berco. and they had gone with her bc they figured out that she could lead them exactly where they needed to go. yeah ok gn fr.

[narwhalandchill]

anyway finished the story and. (firefly Heavy (!!!!!!) negativity im basically toxic and venting; overall spoilers)

im just. the ayaka-teppei act they were doing for firefly was way too fucking heavy handed and rushed in delivery to feel anything than hollow and artificial im sorry 💀💀 we knew her for 2h and that shes super sick and sad about it and lied to us from the start and thats warranting the kind of overblown emotional response in the cutscene when shes offed from TB??? yeah its giving delusion factory lmao what a joke

like granted fireflys VA was doing the absolute MOST to sell the act and all the props to her like the performance was excellent but i am. never. going to give a shit about a character whose entire manner of introduction and narrative presence equals to the writers smugly fanning themselves at their so-called genius because of COURSE youll keel over in awe and fawn all over this character uwuwu AND youll like it!!!!! as they gleefully shove it down your throat

like when the fucking LYNCHPIN of an emotional arc presupposes that every single player is absolutely obligated to feel soooo super emotionally attached OwO to the one character thats so blatantly designed to be the most formulaic fucking bait for self inserting and setup for a predictable kick the puppy moment its just..... this isnt it chief ugh i hate it

unironically worst part of the entire TB quest i am. Never going to be the target audience for this shit

like. logically ik part of this is just bc i am just.so vehemently opposed to this trope that i start developing a violent allergic rash the second i smell even the hint of the archetype so i was like. Groaning from the second it became obvious it was going to be another ayaka story quest (which didnt take long). like shes not as offensive as a character as my vitriolic dislike of her archetype suggests but shes easily the weakest aspect of the new story and just subpar writing it suckkssss

like robins death was EASILY vastly more emotionally impactful and shocking bc at least it came out of left field. firefly gets merked and im rolling my eyes bc its just so embarrassing lmao like. was the lesson they took from ayaka that her circumstances werent sad and sympathy baity enough to warrant attachment and thought the solution was to just make hsr ayaka-teppei Super Giga Mega Tragic omgggg. God im tired of this shit

like to be clear im just. such a hater for this trope i dont think its fucking humanely possible to make me like it but i was hoping for firefly to be at least like. Tolerable. let us remain apprehensive and wary throughout and then let those players who get attached to her project those feelings into their experience but NOT presume their existence by default in order for the story to work but. Well. guess they never learned the right lessons eh

im fucking begging her not to play any more significant role going forward i cannot stand it

im sorry firefly you deserved better than this clumsy ass embarrassment of a writing and im sorry ill never be able to like you as a character. your VA was pulling all the stops and your design is visually quite pretty but. it is what it is. im less mad as im just disappointed that it ended up rhe same old formulaic sympathy bait after all.

[type1cyclingdan]

One Goal for the year complete.

Race day at Gravesend circuit, I left home at 8 am for a 2 hour 30 minute drive, not before Drew my son gave me the power from his legs by a dragon ball cartoon technique. I got there in plenty of time, so I got myself ready slowly, listening to relaxing music so as to raise my stress levels to high (this really does seem to be working). My levels have been pretty good over the last few days and remained that way for the race morning.

I have ridden the course a lot in the past, so I know it pretty well. It is quite a technical course with a couple of hairpin turns and 90-degree turns that you can lose a lot of time in if you dont know them and the lines to take.

It was a small field with only 12 racers in the CAT 4 race which is disappointing to be honest as there are far fewer races lately so you would think there would be far more people taking up the oppurtunity to race. Anyway, a small field makes the racing a lot harder as it is impossible to hide in the wheels and take less wind and save energy. The race started pretty fast, and as I said, because the field was so small, it meant that because of some gaps in ability, gaps were forming so I had to work hard to get round people and close the gaps. With 15 mins gone, my positioning was poor, and 3 were getting away on the front. Again, I had to go around people to try and chase on to the group getting away.

One other guy came with me, but because one of the guys in front was his teammate, he would not work with me to close the gap which I get but as I had no team mates in the front it would have benefitted them to have 2 up there. I got really close but just couldn't get on. I held the gap for a while, but eventually, the gap started to go out, so I had a chat with Dave, the rider with me to ask him to work with me so that we stayed away from the riders behind us. I think by this point, I had already created a big gap but was starting to get tired and nervous that I would blow completely.

I needed to finish a minimum of 6th to get my upgrade to CAT 3 and it turned out that Dave needed to finish 4th to get his upgrade to CAT 3 so we did a deal that if he worked with me I would let him have the 4th place. Deal done, we worked well together for a while, but my levels were starting to go up, and my energy was going fast, Dave started to take on more of the work which I am eternily grateful for.

We now had a massive gap, almost a full lap on the guys behind us, and could see that we were catching one of the 3 that was up front, we tired to put a bit more effort in but both of us were pretty cooked so just couldn't get there. So there it is not quite how I wanted to do it, as I wanted to win, but the goal is achieved and that is the main thing.

I was speaking with Dave, the guy I was with in the race, and he said that he had asked his teammate whether he would have minded if he had worked with me to get on to the front group and he said that he wanted us to catch them so he had a teammate up there with him. For me, that would have been the ideal situation as I could have sat on a bit more. Never mind, it is what it is, I learnt plenty from that race about being in the right position when it matters.

Looking at my numbers for this race, they are ok but not great, so some work to be done, I am trying to decide whether to close the session and now really work on losing the weight as I still have so much work to do. I currently weigh 85kg and want to be around 72-75kg for next year, and with a lot more power, I think my FTP is around 300 watts at the moment, I know there is more to come.

I can now see what my levels were like during racing and training, which is hopefully giving me some insight into how my levels react at different levels of effort, or though it seems that no day is ever the same and during racing they go up faster.

So I have to do some thinking about what I want to do for the rest of the year. There are a few races that I can do, but I could just concentrate on getting myself in the best shape for next season as I have some big goals to go for and some races that I want another crack at in better shape like the Essex Roads one that I fell apart in.

Dream big, keep trying, never give up, and always believe you can achieve, and we go again.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

already reblogged this in my queue..... but also as a trainee, the host company actively telling you NOT to apply for their job openings when they're actively hiring. like last year, during my cadetship, the receptionist that I became close with applied for the maintenance officer role, and got it, so the role of receptionist opened up. I ran it by the people who were running the cadetship course, and they said "yes! apply! we want you to stay in this field!"

but once I asked my first original manager "hey can I apply for the receptionist position?" she asked me "im sorry, but what makes you think you can apply for that? under my management, you're not quite there yet anyway. so I'd advise you not to apply." like.... she was right, in a sense, in hindsight that I didn't have enough experience really to apply for the receptionist position, since I'd only had like 3 weeks training at that point on phones on front reception.

but still. that was SO fucking deflating, telling your cadet/trainee NOT to apply, as if your goal is to NOT give them an ongoing job. so when it came to the end of my contract back in march this year, and another lady was leaving with me..... I considered applying for her job (community housing worker/social housing tenancy worker), all bc that's what I was SUPPOSED to be by the end of this program. but I knew if I asked about applying or just applied for the sake of it, they'd instantly tell me to either NOT apply or to immediately rescind my application to the position.... or ask why I'd even applied in the first place, despite their constant suggestions that I go into support work. just. it was fucking awful and draining, and im glad I left.

like to be fair, I did have performance meetings there after the month (nov 2022) of NEVER being off the phones... and them eventually near the end ALWAYS scheduling me out of meetings and training, sometimes at the very last minute (despite their lectures that YOU NEED TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR WORKLOAD AND TIME BETTER!!!! cassy, you can't manage for SHIT. love that hypocrisy you're wearing on the daily).... but then just coating it in "DO BETTER SELF CARE!!! LEARN TO JOURNAL!!!! GET HOBBIES!!!"

finally, from the other side, the people running the course demanding WHY ARENT YOU FIGHTING FOR YOUR CAREER???? WHY DONT YOU CARE!!!!???? FIGHT FOR IT AND STAY IN THIS FIELD!!!!" no. if I'm treated like shit and guilted from ALL sides.... it's utterly pointless fighting for ANYTHING at this stupid ass place; or in this field. im fucking leaving this toxic ass field... even though I know the modern workplace is toxic no matter where you work... and that you can get shit management and guilting managers everywhere as well. and plus guys, you know in a way, that im transient anyway. I'm here solely to get office work experience. stop harassing and guilting me to stay in it, by saying I have "the incorrect personality for admin". go fuck yourselves.

and you know, companies are lazy with interviewing, too!!! I read an article the other day from harvard business review, that said some companies average at least 3 to 5 interviews per a hiring process..... they obvs say that "oh it's make sure we get the candidates from EVERY angle possible to get the right fit". but one of the women that they interviewed or quoted for the article (since she'd made a tiktok about the NIGHTMARE hiring processes for one company she'd applied for) had like 4-6 months of interviewing and hiring tests.... until she'd ultimately got another better paying job with fewer bullshit hiring hoops to jump through. or when companies give shit title promotions without pay rises (a jump to team leader/manager or something) or purposely demote you when you have kids etc. like it's fucked.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

MERCURY YOU CRAZY GIRL!

to be completely fucking honest. im terrified. im terrified of the fact ive pushed this away for so long when it feels like everyone has known it before i did. its not fair. its not fair that everyone should know me better than me. its embarrassing, and frustrating. but she's so lovely and kind and cares about me. and would never talk badly on me, and would never shame me or make me feel bad about myself. like GENUINELY, genuinely, always wants the best for me. which is crazy. crazy because its so rare, when i have tried to emulate that energy for so many before.

interestingly though. i always say how i try to be this safe person, this loving kind caring yada yada - but really, am i though? i try to be, for sure. i try my very best. but im never quite there. my own insecurity gets the better of me and i turn into the harsh critic and judge that i can be to my own self. but she would never, is never, and it inspires me. ive already changed so much for the better in the time since we met and became close and began our adventures together. that's what it is - an adventure. is that not everything ive been asking for and manifesting?

she's literally my soulmate that ive been dreaming of and asking for and manifesting and describing in detail for the past, what, year? maybe just less. anyway. i was so overwhelmed and scared. which is fair enough! she sprung it on me out of fucking nowhere. like genuinely felt like it came from left field. which makes it more fun and exciting for me. like not only am i worthy of that, but she really waited to make certain we were both ready for that. is it because i wanted to go back to my ex, and that stupid fucking taurus boy? she saw i was ready to open my heart again. though clearly for the wrong people.

but i should be wary... its mercury retrograde. also what if it doesnt work? what if im not ready ? its been so long ive been in my comfort zone. i dont want to stay there anymore. its boring and stagnant and stale and im sick of it. i want to grow. growth means discomfort. growth means taking a leap of faith. i quit my job, i did the crazy things i told myself i couldnt for years and years, im just living. im doing things for the sake of doing them because i can and its my right. and now... this is just the next thing god has planned for me. my twin flame in the form of a beautiful warm completely magnetic taurus woman who sees and brings out the absolute best in me. thats actually crazy.

i am still wary though. i have to do this carefully. because neither of us want to ever lose each other, of course, and shes my best friend. the whole dynamic of everything is about to change so we have to be slow, and tentative, and ever so careful. i dont want to hurt her. i dont wanna be the person who hurts her again... shes been through enough.

its funny... its funny to look back and realise every single one of my closest female friendships was like this. all the ones that ended messy - could it have been uncommunicated, unrealised feelings for eachother? one sided feelings for each other? or just chaos on both ends. or all of it. i do think i failed to realise how much my bisexuality and confusion in my feelings for my friends had impacted the dynamic and how i ended the friendship (or how they ended it and it hurt me). also - SO MANY TAURUSES?!

why is it always a taurus. ? apparently this is gods reminder that i need to slow down, enjoy life and take extra moments for the simple pleasures in life. like this! writing, my one true love. it would be so nice if God could grant me a burst of inspiration, because i miss writing. i miss getting into the flow state of creating. of building a world that i get to come back to whenever i feel like it, for an escape or for a reminder of how big, beautiful and wonderful my brain really is.

anyways, that was all. ill check back in a couple of weeks when the next massive change happens and my world is flipped upside down again. also crazy - i think i lost my malachite. served your purpose, have you?

[lilacroads]

i'm feeling chatty so here are some thoughts, in no particular order

on my way back from osaka today, i saw one of my ex-students and her grandma going up the escalator as i was going down it. it took them some time to realise it was me and i had to greet them so that it wouldn't be like this random foreigner just staring at them. feels a bit awkward in retrospect.

i called my parents yesterday. it was father's day in australia so i called my dad, but i came away from that call feeling a bit sad. it sounds like his r/s with his partner isn't really working out and with the way the world is rn irt cost of living and everything, i'm worried about what that would mean for his lifestyle, not to mention what would come of the house he's living in bc i think they bought it together. i'm also sad bc i want him to be happy and comfortable but there's not much i can do from here. i'm hoping it'll work out but idk really. i definitely left that phonecall reconsidering my life here and wondering what it is i actually hope to do in the future.

the call with my mum was a little lighter and i did feel a bit better after talking with her.

but just following on from that, i've been thinking a lot about my future in japan and what my future career is going to look like. i don't mind my job now (because tbh, i get paid to just hang out with kids and it's pretty fun) but it won't lead anywhere and i've been thinking about what else i can do and what skills i have that i can use in another field. it's been stressing me out quite a lot because i don't really feel like i have any skills that i can make use of here. i can speak japanese but i don't feel like i speak it well enough to use it in a fully japanese working environment but aside from that idk what else i actually have.

if i went back to australia i could do some training, get my licence and perhaps work in childcare but i don't really have options like that here?? some friends who also work here have said that i'd be able to find something but idk.... idk really......

anyway it's been quite stressful.

on a lighter note, i am clearly famous in my work neighbourhood bc like three times in a row i've gone into a shop that i haven't been in for a while for whatever reason and been met with "omg it's been a while long time no see how are you!!!" and it's touching but also a bit embarrassing. dont acknowledge that i come here all the time thank you!!

anyway good talk i'm hungry time for dinner