#anyway. can you tell ive been thinking about the human right to harm ones own body as an expression of autonomy.

[valtsv]

silt verses theological arts and crafts corner

[cdroloisms]

uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like. 

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not. 

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs. 

Dream leaves.

 It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore. 

 None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature. 

 Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs. 

 “I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.” 

 Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?” 

 “If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?” 

 Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.” 

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information. 

 Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns. 

 “From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.” 

 Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

 “He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.” 

 “He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.” 

 Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern. 

 “Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?” 

 Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense. 

 “Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

 ---

 Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream. 

 “Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff. 

 “Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.” 

 “O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him. 

 “You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod. 

 “There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.” 

 Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place. 

 “We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head. 

 “I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.” 

 “Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?” 

 Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.” 

 “Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?” 

 Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

 “He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.” 

 Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?” 

 Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table. 

 “You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut. 

 “The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

 “But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?” 

 “He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.” 

 “But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

 “There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.” 

 Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh. 

 “I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.” 

 ---

 They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

 (She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange. 

 “Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back. 

 “You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?” 

 Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

 They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh. 

 “You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head. 

 “Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him. 

 “...these are going to take so long to clean out.” 

 To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

 They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

 “Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head. 

 “They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “ 

 He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes. 

 “You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

 She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done. 

 “The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.” 

 Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.” 

 Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.” 

 Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

 “Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

 “-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.” 

 “When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.” 

 “We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.” 

 “Alright, then. Here’s the plan.” 

 ---

 It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis. 

 “Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.” 

 “Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin. 

 “Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back. 

 “You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider. 

 “Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier. 

 “You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.” 

 Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?” 

 Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now. 

 Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass. 

 (Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

 She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later. 

 “I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened? 

 Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.” 

 “I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.” 

 “Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat. 

 “Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

 On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped. 

 “Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

 “He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light. 

 “Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

 “I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?” 

 “You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them. 

 “We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.” 

 They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava. 

 “Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him. 

 “Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident. 

 “You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs. 

 “Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.” 

 Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

 “Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

 Oh fuck.

 “Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.” 

 As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor. 

 Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?” 

 She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava. 

 “There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

 A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

 “You there, Dream?” 

 She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

 “Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath. 

 “Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

 “Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.” 

 “I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

 “And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-” 

 “They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

 “And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.” 

 “You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.” 

 “Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-” 

 “I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.” 

 “Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-” 

 “Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?” 

 Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.” 

 “You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.” 

 “Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye. 

 “Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

 “Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose. 

 “Niki, give us some fire res please?” 

 She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.” 

 She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep. 

 “Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend. 

 But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

[theficblog]

lil sis, i just came across this video and thought i'd share it with you T^TTT rmb when i told you najib was convicted recently? his wife who's as corrupted as him is convicted today too in a separate trial!!! it's a happy moment for me but i had tears in my eyes when i heard what the lead prosecutor of this case (Gopal Sri Ram, a former judge, now a private practitioner, but was specially appointed as the prosecutor for this case bc he is one of the best legal minds in this country T^T) replied to the reporter's question T^T:

"are you happy with the decision?"

"we're not happy or unhappy about anything. we just do our job, and we get on to the next case. it's not our role to be happy about someone else's grief."

T^TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT it's things like this that reinstore my faith in humanity again T^TTTTTT

ive always thought that ppl who reach the highest level/position in their field, they have to be at least a bit "evil" to get there. but my naive thought & impression were slowly proved wrong as i meet some more ppl in those positions, who can still be genuinely kind and helpful..as if they stayed true to their hearts, and never conceded to anything that's against their values. i think that is such a precious trait a human can have. we dont have to harm ppl to "succeed", we could still be kind while doing what we think is right. T^TTT... my mum & family members always tell me that i'd have a hard time fitting in in this society if i remain this honest & straightforward. i know that too.. but this is how my mind works and what keeps me at peace, i cant do fake things to please ppl, that is just not me...(also bold of them to assume i ever think of wanting to "fit in with the society" 🤪) i havent been in the society for long, so idk how long i can "survive" here while being myself. i used to think that i have no fears, but now that i think of it, i think my biggest fear is losing my identity & my values...

however, whenever i lose hope in ppl or in life in general, it's ppl like him that remind me that you actually dont have to be evil in order to "succeed"...in the conventional sense. who defines "success" anyway? if i dont regret what im doing, and im not legally or morally harming anyone, i can be proud of my achievements too, right? i think everyone can define their own success while being true to themselves...♡

im so sorry lil sis, this entire message is so incoherent omg 😭😭 i hope you dont find this confusing 😭 but as i was typing this, it made me realise some things too T^T♡♡♡

Yes World Politics and Affairs is super duper interesting as usual. And the words of the prosecutor are so intellectual, no doubt he is on the topmost level with that kind of professionalism. Yeah I agree I think that too, as I have barely and kind of am yet to function in the society. That kind of scares me out too. It's so rare to find people who always stick to their morals even when things are hard and they have an easy way out of anything, and kindness is what matters at the end. Aww you don't need to develop a fear of those, you know who you are and I'm confident in you, also you don't ever need to fit in, you can be a misfit (get out of my ya'll~) I agree it's possible to find a sort of inspiration or motivation through anyone. Say that louder success is way more than a high paying job and big house. Success is probably that felling of content from the inside. Nahh, it wasn't, as I read through it I could make sense of it all. Also I love deep talks like these so much, thanks for this lovely ask, I'm sure you'll send more of these in the future as well >< ❤️

[the-insomniac-emporium]

Crimson Ties (Bela Dimitrescu/Reader, Soulmate AU) Pt. 2

Fandom: Resident Evil: Village

Rating: T for language and mild medical drama

Warnings: Typical Vampire shenanigans

Genre: Hurt + comfort

Summary: Bela is somewhat unprepared to deal with a soulmate who has no clue about her condition, her family, or any of the village's secrets. Thankfully, her sister Cassandra is more than willing to be a bad example. Also there's some fluff.

Notes: For reference, each of my soulmate stories take place in their own contained timeline, since they each involve different types of soulmates. So in this one, Cass doesn't currently have a soulmate.

Previous Chapters: 1: Stem the Flow

2: Tangled Strands

A gentle humming fills the space around you, as fingers slowly run through your hair. As far as you can tell you had fallen back asleep, for several hours, and you were just now waking back up. No longer holding you down, your soulmate is curled up next to you. There’s still a needle in your arm, much to your irritation, but now you can finally see what it’s connected to: An IV for a transfusion. Explains why I’m feeling so much better than before, you think. Then you’re turning your head to the other side, eager to finally get a good look at your soulmate. Instantly you’re blushing, tongue tying itself into a knot, because wow are you lucky.

“Feeling any better?” She asked, as soon as your gaze met hers. You try to stutter out a confirmation, but you’re too distracted by the soft curve of her smile to speak, and barely even manage a nod. That beautiful smile grows wider in response. “Good. I couldn’t stand the thought of you suffering more, after what you’ve already been through.” Now her smile fades, and she looks away for a few moments. Watching it makes your heart ache. So you swallow the lump in your throat, willing yourself to relax, before trying a little comforting of your own.

“I am safe now, am I not? Moreso, we have too much to talk about for us to dwell on the ill circumstances of our introduction. Let us cherish this time, in respite, with our hearts open wide to one another,” you said, donning your softest smile. Somehow your words fulfill their purpose, and your soulmate is once again grinning. Slowly she leans forward to rest her forehead against yours. Then she’s speaking, voice as smooth as the sheets you lay on.

“You are right, of course. I simply wish I could have saved you sooner,” she replied, tone betraying the sadness that her expression otherwise hid. Before you can protest, she continues talking, and you soon forget all about your qualms. “To think I don’t even know your name yet… nor you mine, I suppose. Let’s remedy that, yes? I am Bela Dimitrescu.” Something about her last name feels familiar to you, but not to the point of clear recognition. Instead of inquiring, you return her favor, giving her your own name. She repeats it back a few times, letting the syllables roll off her tongue, and you feel your heart skip a few beats. “A lovely name for a lovely soul, perfectly paired.”

A pause, followed by Bela reaching out to examine your IV. Following her gaze, you turn to the metal hook adjacent to the bed, where a blood bag hangs. Only a few drops remain inside. Just as when you first awoke, Bela gives a soft hum, then rises into a sitting position. Your first instinct is to copy the motion, and you’re relieved when (this time) she doesn’t push you back down. Both of you quietly inch your hands closer until they’re laid on top of each other.

“I wish I knew more about medicine, but unfortunately my family is more experienced in the creation of wounds than the treatment of them,” Bela said, scowling. Confused, you tilt your head at a slight angle, watching her with interest. Am I supposed to know who she’s referring to? My memories of the past couple days are still hazy, you think. “Do… do you remember how you ended up in the dungeon? I know you wanted to speak of happier things, and we can, soon. It’s just… Knowing how you arrived here may help me deal with the consequences of freeing you. Mother will be dreadfully upset that I’ve interrupted a draining, even if we are soulmates.”

“Wait, are you saying…? The intimidating giantess who strung me up and attempted to bleed me dry… is your mother?” You asked, jaw nearly dropping to the floor. This was an unexpected development, for sure.

“You didn’t know?” Bela replied, eyes going wide for a moment. Clearly she wouldn’t have said anything if she realized you weren’t already aware. Suddenly the tension in the room is palpable, with an uncomfortable silence overtaking the two of you. In the moment, you cannot even bring yourself to look at Bela, too stunned by this new knowledge. Eventually she breaks the silence, voice sounding unsure for once. “I realize that this is a lot to take in, if you need time to process it, I… I can go. But you need to understand that our situation is far more complicated than it might appear. We cannot survive without the blood of others- it is what sustains us when nothing else can.”

Now you’re staring at her like she’s crazy, and she’s standing up, moving to the other side of the room. She draws back a curtain, gazing out into the snow covered hills. Every muscle in your body is urging you to run while she’s distracted. Thread of fate be damned, this went far beyond anything you had ever imagined having to deal with. You come so close to ripping the IV right out of your arm. But a gentle tug on your soul string makes you pause, remembering all the times this bond gave you hope in dark times. Had she felt the same way, all these years? What had she gone through, in this absurd castle, on the very edges of civilization? You pull on the red thread, feeling a wave of composure wash over you.

“It appears there is much I need to learn. But is that not the very nature of our connection? We know, simply, that we are bound to each other, though we know not what shapes our souls take so that we might put them together, nor even what roles we must play. I cannot say that I understand your plight, my dear, but I will try, as is my obligation, and my honor,” you said, wishing you could hold her, and cursing your IV. As soon as the first word leaves your mouth, Bela is turning around, watching you with a bittersweet expression. Once you’re done she’s moving closer, as if reading your mind, extending a hand to cup your cheek. Then she leans forward to press a brief kiss to your forehead. “Oh, how I have longed for this- to be with you, to get to know you.”

“As did I,” she murmured. You can’t help but lean into her touch, closing your eyes and enjoying the moment. “Perhaps I should introduce you to my family? I imagine you’ll be needing breakfast anyway, and bringing human food back to my quarters would raise more suspicion than I’d like.” Well, the moment couldn’t last forever, could it?

“Only if you promise that your mother won’t suspend me by my wrists again. Or by any other part of me. Shall we simply put suspension off the table altogether?” You asked, half teasing. To be entirely honest, you were equally worried about Bela’s sisters. Well, the people you had heard other prisoners whispering about, who were the daughters of the giantess, and by connecting a few dots were also, presumably, Bela’s sisters. Apparently they preferred to play with their food. Unless, of course, Bela was one of the daughters you had heard about, and would have easily torn into you if not for your connection. Let’s not dwell on that concept, you think, glad to be distracted by your soulmate.

“I will not let anyone harm you anymore, my beloved. My mother would not stand so firmly in the way of my happiness,” Bela reassured, though you detected a hint of uncertainty in her tone. Still, there wasn’t much you could do other than trust her. “Now, let me take care of your bandages, then we’ll head downstairs…”

---------------------------------

“Who the fuck is this?” An unfamiliar voice asked, as you meandered down the corridor, arm around Bela for support. As soon as she hears the person speak, your soulmate is freezing in place, casting a worried glance over her shoulder. When you turn as well, you spot someone dressed almost identically to Bela. However, the woman wears a yellow pendant, as opposed to a red one, and her hair is a dark brown. It feels safe to assume that she’s one of the sisters you’ve heard about. Which understandably makes you nervous, to the point where you almost want to hide behind Bela. Instead, you stand tall, attempting to seem unfazed by either her presence or her vulgarity.

“Mind your manners, Cassandra,” Bela hissed, taking more of an aggressive stance than you had anticipated. “This, dear sister, is my soulmate. And if you even think about harming them, or getting in our way, I will tear you apart.” While you’re downright shocked at the intensity of Bela’s statement, her sister doesn’t look at all impressed, and eyes you with minimal interest. Better than looking at you with hatred, right? Apparently not, as Bela moves to stand between the two of you, eyes narrowed. There’s a clear stiffness in her posture that leaves you anxious. Cassandra seems to notice it as well, and laughs, before taking a few steps in your direction. Then your soulmate mimics the movement, forcing you to do so as well.

“They’re human,” Cassandra snapped, pausing to sniff the air and scowl. “Here I thought your soulmate would have to be special, if they’re to compare to your ego. You’re disappointed, aren’t you? Having to settle for this.” With that she shifts, flesh writhing, making your stomach churn as you watch her disintegrate into a cloud of… flies? What the hell is wrong with this family? Can Bela do that too? I hope not, you think. Soon you’re pulled from your thoughts, however, as the swarm circles around you, single insects occasionally surging forward to cut at your skin. But Bela is grabbing you by the sleeve and tugging you to her chest, moving against a wall so that her body shielded your own. Your eyes clamp shut as you shake in her arms. When the buzzing stops, it is quickly replaced with cruel laughter. “That fragile, hmm? I can’t wait to see what mother thinks. See you at breakfast, sister!”

Then the two of you are alone, still pressed against the wall, staying still until the sound of footsteps fade. You’re stunned, unsure of how to react. The fact that a few drops of blood roll down your cheek only makes things worse. Still, Bela managed to prevent you from getting too hurt, and the few wounds on your body are negligible. Ever filled with gratitude, you hold her close as you try to stutter out a few sentences.

“Is she always this hostile, or am I truly not what you had expected? No, pay me no mind, it hardly matters. Thank you for protecting me,” you whispered. In response, Bela gives you a little squeeze, then pulls back enough to wipe the blood from your face. There’s a hint of something odd in her expression, which you interpret to be related to her apparent ‘need for blood’. Thankfully, she is in perfect control, and does not frenzy the same way you had read about fictional vampires doing. But she does hesitate, words dying on her tongue, like there are a thousand things she wants to say, and no words to say them with. “It’s alright, my dear. Let’s just go to breakfast, like we planned, and hope your sister behaves better when supervised.”

Bela nods, quickly, before taking your hand in her own. Whatever awaited you in the dining room, the two of you would be ready. Hopefully.

[loveisnotadagger]

Love is Healing - Chapter Three

Chapter 3/?

Warning: There are brief descriptions of Loki's wounds in this chapter. I don't think it's too graphic, but it is there.

After all the Avengers left the room Loki relaxed only slightly. His mother showing up on Midgard to reveal his punishment had thrown him a bit – if one could actually call this a punishment after all he'd been through with Thanos.

Loki had expected to be taken back to Asgard. He'd expected to have to face Odin. He'd expected to be locked up like a criminal. What he hadn't expected was to receive the same punishment as Thor had received when he'd gone to Jotunheim and almost caused all-out war with the Frost Giants.

"You've always wanted to be treated equally to Thor. I convinced Odin to do it this once," Frigga said. "Things could be worse."

Loki looked at his mother and glared faintly. "Define worse."

From what his mother had said earlier in response to Arianna's words about him having a reason for bringing war to Midgard, Loki assumed Frigga knew at least part of what he'd been through. She would know that physical punishment was all relative to him now. Maybe that was why Odin had agreed to this insane solution.

"You realize this punishment is meant to be for your own good," Frigga said. "Maybe you will find your humanity here? A light to fend off the darkness."

"And there is darkness."

Thor, who had been almost completely silent, said, "This will help, brother. I learned much when I was mortal here."

Loki outwardly ignored Thor and continued looking at his mother. He really did love his mother and he knew she loved him.

"You would leave me here defenseless against this world? This world that has been through much destruction in my name?"

Without his powers how would he protect himself?

The Man of Iron and Arianna didn't seem too violent, and the patriotic one wouldn't hurt a defenseless person. But Agents' Barton and Romanoff had every reason to want him dead, and the green beast was downright frightening. And what of the Chitauri and Thanos?

Loki had to suppress a shudder that wanted to take over his body. He couldn't take anymore torture. He just couldn't.

"Befriend Arianna," Frigga said. "She has a good heart." ----------

Arianna and the other Avengers – Dr. Banner included - had been out of the penthouse and downstairs for about thirty minutes. During that time Tony had been on the phone with his contractors. They would start rebuilding the penthouse first thing in the morning.

Arianna knew Tony wouldn't only help rebuild Stark Tower. He would also help pay for the damage that had been done to Manhattan earlier. Tony could help heal too, in a way, by making things appear as if they'd never been destroyed.

"I should be out there," Arianna said, pacing back and forth.

"And risk exposing yourself?" Natasha asked. "You know you have to wait."

Yes, she knew she had to wait. She knew she couldn't just go out and heal people on the streets even though she wanted to. She had to wait until the streets had been cleared a little and the wounded had been taken to the hospital

She'd made the mistake before by going public with her abilities and it had gotten her under government surveillance. That was how SHIELD had gotten hold of her. The reason she wasn't actually a field agent was because only Natasha and Clint knew Arianna could do more than heal the wounded.

"Are we going to ignore the fact that Mama Bear put our littlest Avenger in charge of her crazy son?" Tony asked, off the phone now.

"Was planning on it," Arianna said, rolling her eyes. "And I'm hardly the littlest Avenger. I'm taller than Natasha.

"Arianna!" a thunderous voice boomed from the staircase to their left. "Healer, come quickly!"

Arianna was already on her way to the stairs. She'd started moving as soon as she'd heard her name.

"What? What is it?"

"My brother is in need of assistance."

At the mention of Loki Natasha began following Arianna. Of course she wasn't going to let Arianna face him alone.

"Is he . . . powerless now?"

"It's much worse," was Thor's response. ---------- At the doorway of the penthouse, Loki's and Thor's mother was pacing back and forth. She seemed agitated and overwhelmed. She quickly broke her stride when Arianna reached her.

Frigga grabbed her hand and began leading Arianna into the room. Loki wasn't where he had been. In fact, Arianna didn't see Loki at all at first, and she didn't feel him either.

One of the things she hated about being able to invade minds was the leftover vibes she would get from the people whose minds she'd invaded. She could usually tell when said people were nearby.

Right now all she could feel was the worry coming from Frigga. She was thankful that there weren't any images to go with it.

"Where's Loki?"

Had they been tricked? Had Thor actually let Loki go after all the trouble they'd gone through to capture him?

"He's resting. It seems . . ." Frigga began, and Arianna noticed how the woman's eyes glistened. "Loki is a master of illusions. Without his magic . . ."

Frigga stiffened and looked behind Arianna. Arianna looked over her shoulder and was shocked to see everyone from downstairs there in the doorway.

"They won't hurt him," she said, hoping to get rid of whatever fear the woman may have had.

"It's not that. I just don't wish for them to see Loki this way. He wouldn't want him to see him this way."

"Oh. Well, they will see him anyway. He will be staying with me, and I will be staying here for the time being."

"Um . . . this is my house," Tony said from behind her.

"Yes," Arianna answered, turning around. "But none of you want me alone with Loki, so . . ."

"She has a point," Clint said. "She shouldn't be alone with him."

"I assure you, he cannot harm anyone now." Frigga grabbed Arianna's arm. "Come."

Arianna was led to the couch and around it. An audible gasp escaped her and bile threatened to rise. She swallowed compulsively.

Before her was a beaten and bloodied Loki. There were cuts and bruises everywhere she could see. His armor had been removed along with everything covering his upper body, and he was no longer restrained. He was laid out over the couch and he was on his stomach. Lashes from whips covered the pale skin of his back. There were scorch marks along his arms and back as well.

"What happened?" Arianna's voice shook with the effort it took her to not yell. "He didn't look like this before, so what happened?"

"His magic was removed. He must've been covering it up."

Loki must have had a serious endurance for pain because she hadn't seen any sign of him being wounded before. She had seen his memories – or some of them, at least – but she'd had no idea what she'd seen and felt had happened so recently.

She now knew why Frigga didn't want the others seeing Loki like this. He would probably be humiliated once he woke up.

"Can you help him?"

"I . . . it will take time. If I try to heal everything at once, it won't end well for me."

"Just do what you can."

Arianna nodded and moved forward until she reached the resting form that was Loki. She knelt beside him, the irony of which was not lost on her.

On closer inspection, Arianna realized that Loki was extremely malnourished. In fact, she was certain that if he'd been human before now he would've been dead.

"Dr. Banner, we need an IV drip. Now."

She didn't look up from Loki, taking it on faith that Bruce would listen. He was a pretty nice guy when he wasn't green.

"Tony, I know you can help him with that."

If Tony didn't have medical equipment in the building, he would know where to get some quickly.

Arianna brought her hands up and let them hover over Loki's back. She didn't really want to touch him, didn't want to feel what he'd been through, not again, but he did need to be healed. His whole body was probably teeming with infection. Now that he was mortal, he would need help fighting it off.

"Tash, go tell Banner he'll need antibiotics too."

Loki's body was filthy, but that was the least of her worries.

"Clint, I'm gonna need some warm water and a wash cloth. Cap, I need Tony to set up a room for him."

After each Avenger left to do his or her duty Frigga touched Arianna's shoulder and whispered, "Thank you."

"It's nothing. I didn't understand until I saw him."

Arianna jumped when a broken and shaky breath escaped Loki's lungs. She didn't know what that meant. She could heal people, but she wasn't a doctor.

"Ms . . . um . . . Loki's mom, I will have to clean him first. I can't leave the infection there. I may have to wait to heal the lashes."

"Please call me Frigga."

"Frigga."

"And what of the bruises?" Thor, who was standing off to the side, asked.

Arianna smiled softly. "Those I can heal."

Regardless of her fear, Arianna gently touched Loki's back. She had to fight her very nature so she wouldn't be pulled into whatever nightmare he was having, and she knew he was having a nightmare.

Arianna forced herself to focus so she could heal the bruises that littered Loki's skin. She was fairly certain the bruises were from when Bruce had lost his temper and banged Loki around a bit. Well, when the Hulk had banged Loki around a bit.

She didn't force her energy into Loki. In the state he was in it might throw him into shock. Plus, it was just rude, forcing your energy in to try and meld with someone else's. She was aiming for a stream not an ocean.

She was glad Loki was unconscious, though, because he might have known how to steal energy, latch on and just take, and she didn't want that either.

"Does anyone know how long he's been . . . tortured?"

"Perhaps a year," Thor said. "He's been away for a year."

"A whole year? You didn't know where he was?"

"I . . . we thought he was dead. We didn't know he –"

"The burns," Frigga interrupted. "Can you heal those? They are probably what bothered him the most."

Arianna nodded. She would do all that she could.

"It will take time," she said. "I am human and will have to rest frequently, but it will get done." ---------- "His room is ready," Bruce said. "We were able to get the saline and the antibiotics."

"Good. We may need to take him to the lab, though. I sensed there was internal damage. I need to know how bad it is."

Bruce helped move Loki, and Tony met them down in the lab. Arianna would have preferred being alone aside from Thor and Frigga, but it was Tony's lab and Bruce was an actual doctor.

Besides, she had no idea how to use the equipment in Tony's lab.

Arianna cleaned Loki off as best as she could, considering only the upper half of his body was free of clothing. The bruises Loki had been burdened with before were gone as they had been the easiest to heal, but everything else was the same on the outside.

Once she'd sensed internal damage, Arianna had decided to take a break to conserve her energy in case the damage was so bad that Loki would need immediate attention.

X-rays and Cat-scans were taken, revealing broken ribs and damaged lungs. Arianna was fairly certain that these particular wounds had come from the Hulk swinging him around and smashing him against the floor multiple times.

Bruce made sure the bones were set right before Arianna sent enough energy into Loki to help jumpstart the healing of his ribs. Then she changed her focus to his lungs.

Him being able to breathe on his own was the most important thing, in her opinion. It would save them the time it would take to hook him up to a bunch of machines, assuming Tony even had the equipment they would need for that.

Once Loki was stable enough, Arianna moved onto healing the burns littered across his skin. Or she tried to. The burns were extensive and to heal those she would have to manipulate his tissue to heal itself, which was hard by itself. Add in her exhaustion from all the healing she'd already done, and it was almost impossible.

She felt as if she'd been going at it for hours, and it wasn't until her head was hurting and her nose was bleeding that she realized she needed a break.

That and Tony saying, "A'right, Miss Miracle, you need food and a nap."

"I . . . okay, yeah. Is he gonna be okay if I stop?"

"He's as stable as he can be at the moment," Bruce said. "And he's better than he was."

"Are we leaving him down here, or . . . ?"

"We can take him to his room," Tony said. "I set up a room for you too, right next to his. Jarvis will keep watch." ---------- Arianna ate something small to put Tony's mind at ease, and it helped her headache go away. She wasn't able to sleep, however, even though she did lie down for over an hour in the bed Tony had provided.

She kept thinking about the words she'd pulled from Loki's mind. She hadn't meant to, but it happened when she was so fully connected to someone, and with the amount of healing she'd done to Loki, she was very much connected to him.

He was having nightmares and that was where the words had come from. One of his tormentors must've been equipped with the mission to make Loki feel unwanted and unloved because those were the words she had picked up the most.

No one had said anything to her when she'd come back up from the lab, but she could tell no one really understood why she was expending so much energy to help Loki.

Tony seemed to be the least judgmental, and then it was Clint. It had nothing to do with Loki and everything to do with the fact that he knew Arianna couldn't help but lend a helping hand to anyone that was suffering. Bruce was the most compassionate and she knew he would help her with Loki as much as he could. Steve was the least understanding, but only because he saw Loki as someone who had tried to destroy his home. Natasha was more worried because she knew how far Arianna could push herself.

Arianna didn't know what the big deal was. Everyone else on the team pushed themselves, risked their lives in the line of fire and what she did was no different. ---------- Frigga and Thor were in Loki's room when Arianna went in after resting but not sleeping. His mind had suddenly gone silent and she'd wanted to make sure nothing was wrong.

Thor was standing off to the side of the Spartan-like room. Loki was on the bed and Frigga was seated on a chair beside it, and there was an IV drip as well attached to Loki. Other than that, the room was bare.

"He's quiet," Arianna said.

"He's asleep," Thor said.

"No, I mean, his mind is quiet. I've been able to sense his thoughts from the first time I touched him. I don't sense anything now. Either he's stopped dreaming or he's blocking me."

"Is that bad?"

Arianna sighed. "That depends on how you look at it. If he's blocking me, it means he's aware enough to block me. It also means I won't be able to heal him, not if he's gonna fight me."

"He will sense you as you sensed him," Frigga said. "He'll think your magic is foreign. He will fight that."

"If I can make my way back into his mind, I can wake him up. I was hoping to heal him more fully first, but if this is the only way . . ."

"Is that not dangerous?" Thor asked.

"It's actually not dangerous at all, physically."

"And mentally?" Frigga asked.

Arianna hesitated before answering. "If Loki had his powers, I wouldn't try this. I think the worst he can do now is to just keep blocking me. He might be able to remove me if I make my way in."

"Have you done this before?"

"Yes, with trauma patients."

The younger patients almost never put up a fight. The adults, however, were another story altogether. She was sure that was because adults had defense mechanisms that children did not.

"What will you need?" Frigga asked

"I'll need the room so I can concentrate. I need it to be quiet." ---------- Arianna was surprised when she was able to easily gain access to Loki's mind. Most people who were unconscious fell deep inside of themselves. Add in the fact that she hadn't been able to hear or sense him before, she thought it would have been harder.

She'd found him within seconds, however, crouched behind a rock. He was hiding. That was probably why he'd suddenly disappeared from her mind. Whatever or whoever he was hiding from had shielded his thoughts from her.

Why was he hiding, anyway? There didn't seem to be anyone else around aside from Loki and herself.

As she grew closer to him, she noticed that all of the bruises she'd healed were still covering his skin in his dream state. None of what she'd been doing in real life was taking place here.

And where was here? It looked like the barren wasteland that she'd seen flashes of earlier. This was Loki's own personal form of Hell, probably, and he was stuck here.

She crept forward and knelt beside him, surprised that he hadn't even glanced her way. Did he not feel her there or was he just so overwhelmed that her presence didn't register?

"Loki?" she whispered and touched his shoulder.

He jerked away but finally looked at her nonetheless. His eyes were wide with fright and she regretted touching him. She was downright flabbergasted when he tried to cover his head. It was as if he thought she was going to hurt him.

Well . . . of course he did. This was a place of pain and he wouldn't have known anything else but pain here.

"Loki, I'm not here to hurt you."

"Everybody hurts here," he said, though he didn't move to get away.

"Loki, you're not actually here anymore. You – you got out."

"No one gets out."

"You did. You went to Midgard."

Technically, he'd been sent there, but she just wanted to help him wake up. Best not to bring up what he'd done once he went to Midgard.

"Thor is waiting there for you."

"He came for me?"

Loki seemed to want to believe that so badly, but he also seemed afraid to.

Arianna nodded. She would have to play this carefully. It appeared that this Loki, the part of Loki that was still truly himself was locked up here. This was probably a defense mechanism for the Loki that wanted to rule Earth. That Loki couldn't have had this one running loose or it would've messed up his plan.

"Loki, do you know who I am?"

"Should I?"

"Yes. Well, sort of. I met you earlier today."

She told him about how she could heal people and that she was trying to heal him, but he was blocking her.

"This is madness," Loki muttered.

"I know it probably seems that way, but you have to trust me."

She knew that was asking a lot, considering he didn't know her at all, but she did need his trust to even begin to bring him out of his head.

"What are you hiding from?"

"Thanos."

She remembered that name. Thanos was the one she'd heard threaten Loki. He was the one Loki was so afraid of.

"He can't actually hurt you here. He can only do what you allow him to do."

"Actually . . ."

A voice came from behind Arianna and Loki's eyes widened in fright again. She turned around to find a huge, purple man in black clothing and gold-plated armor. If this was Thanos, what exactly was he?

He had to be about seven feet tall and he looked to weigh at least a thousand pounds of pure muscle.

"I'm very much real."

His huge fist came toward her and she instinctively flinched even though he shouldn't have been able to touch her.

'He isn't real,' she thought even as his fist connected with the side of her head. She was sure if this had been real, she would've been knocked unconscious by the blow, assuming she would've still had her head.

He had proven that he was real, however, and Arianna was now afraid. She'd actually felt pain – not from the hit itself, but a sharp migraine-type pain. A mental blow to match the one he'd given her in the dream state.

Since she'd been knocked over by him hitting her, she scurried backwards as if she were crab-walking.

"I told him what awaited him if he failed. You will not take that away," Thanos said. "You can choose to leave him here."

Loki stiffened and she could tell he thought she would leave him. The truth was that she would if she thought she could bring someone back with her to help, but she knew what it was like to be trapped in her own head with no one to help pull her out and she wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Maybe if Loki had been truly evil, she could leave and not regret it, but now that she knew why he'd done what he'd done . . . she couldn't, with good conscious, leave him there.

Thanos couldn't really hurt her if she didn't let him. Maybe she would be able to pull Loki out of this despite what this Thanos had said. ---------- Loki hated himself at the moment. Not that he'd ever loved himself, but he really hated himself for being a coward. He didn't know this girl even though she'd said they'd met earlier and yet he still didn't want her to go. He didn't want to be alone anymore.

He especially didn't want to be alone here, but he didn't want the girl to be hurt either, not when she seemed so willing to help him.

"No one can help you," Thanos said. "No one would want to."

Nobody could love him. He was a monster. He was a Frost Giant. He'd never been anyone's priority and he definitely didn't expect this girl to pick him over herself. It was absurd to hope for anything other than a quick and painless death.

"Loki?" the girl said. She never had said her name. "Don't listen to him. I'm not going anywhere and I can help you. You have to let me."

Thanos yelled and Loki saw the Titan rush forward to hit the girl again, but she was quick and he ended up falling over himself.

If what the girl had said was true, if they really were in his mind, then he could do whatever he wanted here. He could take away his pain and he could get rid of Thanos even if the Titan was real.

The first thing he did was make himself strong again. He needed to assist his helper. She wasn't a fighter, he could tell by the way she carried herself.

What he really needed was a weapon yet he'd been made defenseless. Was he able to conjure one out of midair? Apparently he was, because as soon as he thought of one of his many daggers it appeared in his hand.

The girl was standing still with her hand in the air. She had her palm faced outward and Thanos . . . well, he was still too. He seemed to be attempting to move, but it wasn't working.

This girl knew magic – more than just illusionary magic. She was literally keeping Thanos still by sheer force of will.

"Now, Loki. You have to be the one to do it."

Since they were all in his mind that made sense. He couldn't actually kill Thanos since this wasn't physically real, but maybe just the act itself would force the Titan out.

Loki moved quickly. Within seconds he'd stabbed through the leather of Thanos' attire. He twisted the dagger and yanked upwards, properly eviscerating the image of the Titan.

Just like that, Loki opened his eyes to the world.

[laurelnose]

Very New to your blog and the posts are probably way old but I saw you do Witcher Biology (??) rants sometimes and Id love to hear your take, if you have one, on what monsters (namely "naturally occurring" ones like draconids and insectoids) contribute to the ecosystem if anything and whether or not they should be hunted into extinction. I was discussing it w/ a friend last night after dealing with Iocaste, the last silver basilisk, and now its smthn I'm Invested in

re monster ecosystems: I just figure theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans but because theyve got no natural predators aside from eachother and arent hunted by anything but witchers , monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ? Ive little knowledge on the subject as a whole but the whole thing intrigues me

hi & extremely belated welcome, anon! my apologies for the length of time you’ve been waiting for this answer; I had to think carefully about how I wanted to respond to this ask, because: there’s a lot going on here. also, because I am a disaster, I ended up posting it to ao3 first while I was avoiding tumblr for a spell and then completely forgot to come back. oops. i’m sorry!! This one’s about 5000 words long, which is a lot for tumblr, so reading on AO3 may be preferable.

-

The two main thrusts of your first ask (how do monsters interact with the ecosystem and should they be eradicated from the Continent) are questions of invasion ecology, the study of non-native/invasive species and their effects on the environment. Monsters, having arrived on the Continent about 1200 years ago during the Conjunction of Spheres from entirely alien dimensions, are indeed technically non-native species!

However, invasion ecology is…somewhat controversial, to say the least—there are a lot of invasive species, who have a lot of different & complex impacts, and a lot of different ideas about what we might do about any of this, and it’s basically all arguing all the time, so I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach the topic. Not to mention that for reasons I couldn’t initially put my finger on, it seemed wrong to apply theories of invasion ecology to the Witcher monsters. We’ll get into it! There are also a couple of common misconceptions/oversimplifications of how ecology works in your second ask which I want to unpack. Hopefully I pulled this together into something that makes sense, and feel free to ask me for clarification!

Some important background facts:

Species have always been moving to and “invading” new places on their own; humans and globalization have accelerated this process into a Big Problem, as the sheer number of invasive species being introduced all over the globe strains ecosystems already under pressure, but “native ranges” are always shifting, sometimes more dramatically than you might expect. If you go far enough back in time, all species are “non-native”.

Because of this, the very definition of “invasive species” is hotly contested. This is why you’ll hear dozens of terms like introduced species, injurious species, naturalized species, non-native species, etc.; these all have slightly different connotations, but all refer to a species that did not originate in a particular location.

An introduced species is usually classified as “invasive” as opposed to “non-native” or “naturalized” if its presence significantly alters the ecosystem it invades; some people define this more narrowly as a species that causes harm to an ecosystem. “Harm” can take a lot of different forms, as every non-native species interacts differently with the ecosystem they were introduced to.

Aside from various potential impacts to human economic activity, most forms of ecological harm by introduced species involve the decline of native species, by a variety of mechanisms; invaders might eat natives, outcompete them for food, interbreed with them, carry novel pathogens, etc. Invasive species are primarily a threat to biodiversity.

Now, here’s my Hot Take:

The Conjunction of Spheres is analogous to real-life ecological cataclysms such as the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, and thus monsters are not invasive species.

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event saw the extinction of 75% of all species on Earth after the Chicxulub asteroid hit, including the non-avian dinosaurs. The Earth has had several disasters like this, of varying severity—the Great Oxidation Event killed almost literally everything on Earth except for the cyanobacteria who caused it. These cataclysmic extinction events completely upended existing ecosystems, altering habitats beyond recognition and leaving swathes of niches emptied of life that the survivors could evolve to exploit.

The most recent Conjunction of Spheres on the Continent is supposed to have thrown everyone living on the planet at the time into chaos and darkness; it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that the interpenetration of multiple spheres caused mass extinction of species living in the pre-Conjunction environment, similar to Chicxulub or the GOE!

But Socks, you might say, evolution works on a massive timescale! It took millions of years to fill the niches left open by Chicxulub, but it’s only been 1200 years since the Conjunction of Spheres! And you are absolutely right*, but the Conjunction of Spheres canonically came pre-loaded with new species. We actually have no proof that any of the animals we see originated on the Continent: if humans are a post-Conjunction phenomenon, why not also dogs? Why not bears? Who’s to say any of those were actually there before-hand? (The elves, I guess, but as they have not, actually, said so, there’s no proof!!)

* FTR, 1200 years is a shockingly short period of time to go from cataclysm that plunged the world into darkness and chaos to functioning medieval-era society considering how long it actually took humanity to build 13 century Europe (horses had been domesticated for at least 3000 years by that time), even if we’re not assuming that most of the ecosystem was destroyed, so, my timeline concerns here are minimal, lmfao. TIMELINE WHAT TIMELINE.

…and actually now that I think about it the three options for the origin of dogs are a) elves or dwarves domesticated them, b) humans brought dogs with them during the Conjunction, or c) dogs have existed for less than 1200 years, and I refuse to accept that dogs are practically a new invention in the witcherverse, wtf.

Anyways: we really have no idea which species are truly “native” to the Continent, or what the physical environment was like prior to the Conjunction. While monsters are not native to the Continent, monsters are also not invasive—there cannot be decline of pre-Conjunction biodiversity or harm to the pre-Conjunction ecosystem because there is no pre-Conjunction ecosystem anymore.

should monsters be hunted to extinction?

So, the thing is, I think we should try to eradicate invasive species from non-native ranges if we can; the biggest problem with that is feasibility, not morality. It’s much more difficult than one might think to eradicate an invasive species once it’s established, and we have to be very careful that the methods we choose don’t have other impacts, but invasive species are a huge threat to the biodiversity of Earth! If monsters are invasive species, then the answer is yes, they should be eradicated from the places they are not native to.

(Notably, on Earth this kind of eradication is not the same thing as extinction; it would be a local extinction, or extirpation, where the species is totally wiped out in the places it invaded but still exists in its native range. This does get way more complicated if the invasive is already extinct in its native range.)

However, I have just outlined a possibility that would make it plausible for monsters not to be invasive species. Let me also outline why I prefer this interpretation. Here is a book conversation between the sorcerer Dorregaray of Vole and Geralt:

“Our world is in equilibrium. The annihilation, the killing, of any creatures that inhabit this world upsets that equilibrium. And a lack of equilibrium brings closer extinction; extinction and the end of the world as we know it. … Every species has its own natural enemies, every one is the natural enemy of other species. That also includes humans. The extermination of the natural enemies of humans, which you dedicate yourself to, and which one can begin to observe, threatens the degeneration of the race.”

“Do you know what, sorcerer?” Geralt said, annoyed. “One day, take yourself to a mother whose child has been devoured by a basilisk, and tell her she ought to be glad, because thanks to that the human race has escaped degeneration. See what she says to you.”

–The Bounds of Reason, ch. 6

This is a, uh, incredibly unsubtle reference to a debate that has been ongoing for decades; Geralt’s stance here is one of the key arguments in opposition to wolf and bear reintroduction. What do we do about large predators that may pose a threat to humans? How do we balance preservation of the ecosystem with the safety of people who have to coexist with these predators?

I can’t fully agree with Geralt, because large predators are integral to the ecosystem, which I value for its own sake and because humans depend on healthy ecosystems. But I can’t fully agree with Dorregaray either, because Geralt is right: human life is valuable and worthy of protecting. This is an issue that India has been running into in the past ten years; as their tiger conservation efforts yield fruit, people become more likely to encounter tigers, and thus more likely to have a bad encounter with a tiger. It’s become a political struggle as rural people who have to actually live with the possibility of a tiger attack come into conflict with urban conservationists who just really want to preserve tigers (& in some incidents, some of those conservationists have been Western, which is a whole additional level of fuckery). The fact is, there isn’t a good answer to this yet! We certainly should not drive tigers, wolves, or any other large predator to extinction, but we also have to figure out a way to keep people safe. It’s something humanity still has to wrestle with.

Under this framing, which CDPR reinforced when they chose to have the Count di Salvaress defend Iocaste as an endangered species while making significant provisions to minimize the damage she could do to human life, there’s far too much baggage attached for me to say yes, monsters should be hunted into extinction. If you’re going to make monsters analogous to wolves, of course I do not think we should get rid of monsters entirely!

And frankly, Geralt doesn’t think so either, despite his hardline stance about monsters that eat humans. Sapkowski isn’t exactly an anti-conservationist; though Dorregaray is shown as out of touch in this passage, at another point the narrative sides with him calling Philippa out on exterminating a species of ermine for her fur collar, and it’s consistently put forth that Geralt’s best quality is that he doesn’t want to perform violence for the sake of it or destroy things without cause, and one of the representations of that is that he refuses to kill endangered species even at cost to himself:

“What should I say about you, who rejects a lucrative proposition every other day? You won’t kill hirikkas, because they’re an endangered species, or mecopterans, because they’re harmless, or night spirits, because they’re sweet, or dragons, because your code forbids it.”

–Eternal Flame, ch. 2

If monsters and other post-Conjunction creatures are invasive species, the nuance in this conversation is flattened, and Geralt’s refusal to kill mecopterans and hirikkas becomes a flaw rather than a virtue. Boring! I also think that one of the strongest themes in the witcherverse is the idea of all monsters being human ills; wraiths are manifestations of hatred, necrophages multiply because of human bloodshed, cursed ones are created out of malice, mages like Alzur and Idarran of Ulivo go out of their way to straight-up create monsters from scratch*, etc. Iocaste attacks humans and takes livestock because the traditional prey of the silver basilisk, roe deer, has been extirpated by human destruction of their habitat. The aeschna in Blood of Elves attacks humans because humans have altered and polluted the flow of the Pontar, hunting the aeschna’s previous food (seals) to extinction. The true monster is the actions of humans. Monsters that appeared unbidden from another dimension into a previously functional ecosystem to invade and cause problems undermines this theme; monsters that are integrated into the ecosystem and subject to the same social and ecological forces as other animals supports it.

* Idarran’s “idr” monsters from Season of Storms absolutely should be eradicated. Did the world not have enough man-eating arthropods, Idarran? Did you really have to mutate horrible new ones and release them in populated areas?? Mages are a scourge, lmfao

Additionally, one of the biggest reasons I felt like I couldn’t actually apply invasion ecology to monsters was that, whether you accept my Conjunction theory as sufficient biological justification for this or not, monsters just don’t really behave like invasive species. It’s hard to explain this because the setting is pretty brief about its ecological details, but aside from the fact that the narrative frames them like just part of the ecosystem of the world, there are never any details like “that type of flower doesn’t exist anymore because giant centipede tunneling destroyed the soil they needed to grow in.” When monsters are the aggressors, their victims are always humans, not the environment or other animals, and again monsters are themselves often treated as victims of human actions.

So I say monsters aren’t invasive species!

Which means that monsters are, regardless of their strange origins, now a part of the Continent’s ecosystem just as much as bears and wolves.

So let’s talk monster ecology.

what do monsters contribute to the ecosystem, if anything?

So, the phrase “contributing to the ecosystem” is actually super loaded, and I want to unpack that before we go anywhere else. Ecosystems are made up of organisms, and organisms interact with and impact ecosystems, but they don’t necessarily contribute to ecosystems! The implication of “contribute” is that it is possible for an organism to not contribute, and it follows from there that some organisms are not useful. This is functionally nonsensical, and also dangerous.

Conservationists talk a lot about “intrinsic value,” which in this context is the idea that we should want to keep species around just because their existence is valuable! Biodiversity is intrinsically valuable. This is important, firstly because I do believe that all species are intrinsically valuable, but also: ecosystems are so enormously complicated that we do not know the full extent of any species or individual organism’s impact, and we can’t predict what the consequences of removing any given species might be. Treating all species as intrinsically valuable is hedging our bets. All organisms affect the ecosystem, because it’s impossible for them not to, and while some species definitely have outsize impact, none of them are “not contributing,” and frankly even if some of them weren’t, it would be the absolute height of human arrogance for us to decide we could tell which ones were useless when we barely even know what most species eat. Mosquitoes are the base of the entire goddamn food chain, and you still get assholes claiming they don’t “contribute anything.” Of course, most people don’t really mean all of these implications when they use the phrase, but I don’t find it useful to talk about what species “contribute,” and avoid using that language if I can!

What I assume you mean by “what do monsters contribute” is a combination of “what roles might monsters play in the ecosystem” and “are monsters actively harmful to the ecosystem, i.e. do they cause loss of biodiversity?”

And this is difficult to answer! As I’ve said, I don’t think monsters are invasive species, and thus don’t harm the ecosystem, though we know that monsters can be harmful to humans. However, when it comes to the role they do play in the ecosystem, there isn’t enough in canon for me to do more than wildly speculate! Also, there are so so many of them, and the role of a hirikka is going to be wildly different from that of a draconid.

Just offhandedly, most of the big predatory monsters can be assumed to fill the same roles as Earth’s big predators, one of the big ones being overpopulation of prey species, which has ramifications throughout the ecosystem. Some of them are canonically ecosystem engineers, or animals that physically alter their environment (think beavers); for instance, shaelmaar and nekker tunneling. Additionally, the big insectoid colonies can’t be relying solely on naturally-occurring caves for their homes; they’ve gotta be constructing some stuff themselves. These tunnels can be repurposed as habitat for other organisms, from giant centipedes to sewant mushrooms. Necrophages, like corpse-eaters in our world, likely limit the spread of diseases from decomposing flesh (and really wouldn’t be as much of an issue if everyone would stop, you know, doing war and mass murder, lmfao). Arachasae use tree trunks and organic plant material to conceal themselves, which is likely contributing to plant reproduction in a few different ways—but the arachasae decorating essay is a different topic that I swear I will finish one day oh my god—

…anyways, feel free to ask about any specific monsters or niches if you’re curious, but if I tried to go into detail with every single potential niche/ecosystem service all of the monsters we know of might fill, we would be here all day!

Let’s talk about a couple specific things you brought up in your second ask.

> theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans

I mean…maybe! That is, yeah, they’ve definitely settled into niches by now, but feeding is way more complicated and interesting than that.

For instance: orcas can eat basically whatever the fuck they want—orcas are fully capable of bringing down everything from fish to seals to gray whales to great white sharks. But they don’t. In the Pacific Northwest, the resident orca pods almost exclusively eat salmon, while the transient pods largely feed on seals. Orcas are kind of an extreme example, but this is something called resource partitioning and it’s a big part of how animals limit competition with one another and what enables lots of predators to coexist in one place!

We see a big fuck-off dragon thing and we assume that it’ll eat anything it can fit in its mouth, and definitely some predators work like that. But just because an animal is technically capable of eating something and deriving nutrition from it doesn’t mean that it will. Silver basilisks made roe deer the staple of their diet before the destruction of beech forests meant they had to turn to humans—which is a pretty specific dietary restriction when there should be multiple species of deer running around, not to mention everything else a draconid could be killing! And given how many types of draconid there are…I have to assume there’s some kind of resource partitioning going on to prevent them all from conflicting with each other! For instance, if basilisks prefer roe deer, maybe forktails prefer wild goats, while wyverns are mostly kleptoparasitic (stealing other predators’ kills).

And of course, not all monsters eat humans at all; harpies steal from and attack humans, so they’re a dangerous nuisance, but they don’t seem to eat them. And in the books Geralt mentions plenty of monsters which are totally harmless.

So yes, there are lots of things monsters could be eating, but it would strongly depend, and there’s a lot of interesting places one can take monster diets! Netflix decided their strigas only eat specific organs, leaving the rest of the body untouche, & I love that for her. More monsters that need a particular kind of nutrition that leads them to take only specific body parts from some kills!

> because theyve got no natural predators aside from each other and arent hunted by anything but witchers, monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ?

Absolutely—invasive species whose populations rapidly increase once they’re away from their natural predators cause the decline of native species, often by eating natives directly or competing with natives for resources. And in fact, even native species who become overpopulated can seriously damage the ecosystem (see: white-tailed deer in the United States, whose overpopulation has such negative ecological effects that some people argue we should classify them as invasive, even though they have definitely been here this whole time).

However, even if we grant that monsters are invasive, it’s a little more complicated than that for a few reasons!

Despite the apparent preponderance of them in the witcher games, most monsters are supposed to be strongly on the decline, like witchers themselves. Geralt’s profession is falling out of necessity; human development of the Continent is going to be the biggest suppressing factor in monster populations in the future. Monster overpopulation is just canonically not a problem in this universe! But even in the scenario where the Inevitable March Of Civilization isn’t threatening monster populations, there are a lot of factors that could and would limit monster populations.

(TL;DR for this next part: yeah I definitely think they’ve figured out their own little circle of life—the term you’re looking for is ecosystem equilibrium, btw!—& I’m going to take the next 1.2k to talk about how.)

For starters, predation is only one among many limiting factors that affect populations & prevent them from ballooning out of control:

food availability: If there’s not enough food, there’s not enough food! It also matters how adaptable the animal’s diet is—silver basilisks moved from deer to humans, but if the eucalyptus went extinct koalas would not switch to eating cycads.

illness and parasites: Some people argue these are more important than direct predation for limiting populations, and I am often inclined to agree. Basically, if a population becomes very dense, illness and parasites spread more quickly, creating a natural limiter on how many animals can live in any one place. The greater susceptibility of some individuals to illness or parasites also winnows down populations. Non-native species often escape a good portion of their native diseases by moving to a new range—however, given how fast bacteria and viruses evolve, 1,200 years is a pretty decent amount of time for new diseases to arise. Also, just going to drop a link to my treatise on monster parasites here. It’s gross, mind the warning at the start of the post.

mate availability: If only a certain percentage of the population is actually able to reproduce, that’ll eventually bring the total number down. RIP Iocaste’s boyfriend 😔

territory/shelter availability: Animals need a certain amount of space and certain types of spaces to survive, and space isn’t infinite! It again depends on how adaptable an animal is; rats find ways to thrive nearly everywhere, but pandas can only live where there’s bamboo. If there’s not enough space to hide from predators, reproduce safely, store food, and avoid adverse weather, the population again limits itself naturally.

natural disasters: Wildfires, drought, flooding, tsunamis, storms, etc. pick off significant portions of wildlife populations. Disasters are sporadic rather than directly linked to population like most of the other factors but these periodic blows to population and the other impacts of fire or flooding are often integral to the ecosystem (see especially: fire regimes and fire ecology.)

Now let’s talk predation & monsters! (Genuinely, I think predation is one of the most interesting things in ecology; people tend to simplify it down to things eat other things, which—yeah, but there’s so much more going on there!)

First, I wouldn’t underestimate the effects of monsters eating other monsters! Even if it’s rare for a draconid to snatch up a nekker and carry it off, the threat of a draconid doing so can have dramatic impacts; researchers found that just playing the sound of dog barks on a beach stopped raccoons from foraging for crabs for over a month after the barking stopped, leading to an increase in crab populations, even though no raccoons ever encountered a dog. This is called the ecosystem of fear (which as a term is metal as hell) and it theorizes that just the fear of predators can lead to chronic stress for prey animals, decreasing reproduction and making them more susceptible to disease. Maybe draconids in Toussaint eat only a few dozen nekkers a year, but that might cause thousands of nekkers to have fewer offspring or fall to disease. When it comes to ecosystems the direct effect is usually only a small part of the story!

Second, when we talk about a species not having natural predators, we’re usually talking about an animal that would have a predator back in its home range—lionfish, for instance, have plenty of predators in their natural range (the Indo-Pacific), but no natural predators in their invasive range (the Caribbean), so invasive lionfish, suddenly freed of a limiting factor, can run amok. However, a great white shark has, aside from orcas (who do not actually eat white sharks, they’re just assholes sometimes) and occasionally other white sharks, more or less no natural predators anywhere once it reaches maturity, and that’s fine! Lack of predation of great white sharks did not cause their populations to explode and consume the ocean. White sharks are limited by other factors.

So: it is possible that wherever draconids originated (and it’s entirely possible that “draconids” came from multiple different places, tbh) there was something bigger that preyed on them, but it’s not unreasonable to assume they were also apex predators in their previous dimension (I mean…look at them), and that adult draconids were never really preyed on by anything else! It isn’t necessarily an issue for there not to be predators of certain monsters on the Continent.

(Though, of course, we also shouldn’t forget that most apex predators are prey when they’re young—baby white sharks are snack-sized for a lot of fishes, and bear cubs and wolf pups are similarly vulnerable. Based on the size of the eggs you see in TW3 draconid nests, a basilisk is hatched around the size of a little dog, which is the perfect size for small, ballsy predators such as wolverines to sneak into a nest and snap them up—predators such as more wolverines or raptors like eagles and hawks might also come directly for the eggs.)

When it comes to smaller monsters such as nekkers, who likely weren’t apex predators in their original dimensions and would thus be subject to that lack of natural predators—there are usually specific reasons why prey species manage to avoid predation in their introduced range. Lionfish confound Caribbean predators because lionfish are covered with huge poisonous spines that Caribbean predators don’t know how to deal with.

Drowners, on the other hand, are basically just man-shaped fish; they don’t have any adaptations or defenses that would really stump a bear or a wolf. Again, bigger monsters are still probably checking the populations of smaller monsters no matter what, but there’s really no reason a bear couldn’t figure out how to eat a drowner! Unless a monster has a unique defense (e.g. scurver spines), is actively distasteful to eat (rotfiends, probably), or is just difficult to take down (nekkers in packs), most of the non-monster predators* on the Continent will have incorporated various monsters into their diet by now, or suppressed monster populations indirectly with the threat of predation or by competing with them for food. It has been over a thousand years, which is nothing evolutionarily but is still a decent period of time for mammals, who pass hunting techniques down to their babies, to figure out how to eat ghouls—especially if we’re considering that the Continent’s mammals may also be a result of the Conjunction and would thus have to have been just as adaptable as the monsters to establish themselves. And I’ve also actually talked before about how wolves specifically might be preying on necrophages!

* For reference, the non-monster predators are, considering the Continent is more or less Europe, most likely lynxes, brown bears/polar bears (in Skellige), wolverines, foxes, badgers, and a variety of large birds of prey.

So—yes, if monsters were truly overpopulating, then that would damage the ecosystem. However, canon tells us they are definitely not doing that, and there are also many factors that would prevent that from happening!

(Though I will say that some of the reasons white-tailed deer are overpopulated are that we got rid of cougars and wolves and human development creates a lot of extra habitat of the type that deer like. Given that we know many of draconids are for sure in significant danger of going extinct, and the trajectory that Europe’s wolf and bear populations followed in real life, it is possible that the Continent will have to contend with an overpopulation of some of the smaller monsters at some point as they continue to try to eradicate the larger predators, both monster and non-monsters—you think the drowner problem is bad now, wait until the bears are gone and city development has tripled the number of sewers. Yet another of those humans-make-monster-problems-worse things I am fond of in the Witcherverse!)

…whew. that was a lot of words. In conclusion: ecology is really cool & there’s a bunch of ways monsters can fit into it!!

[heyyy-hey-babyyy]

When We Were Young (part IX)

Dean x Fem!Reader; Sam x Fem!Reader (platonic)

Read part I here ; Read part II here ; Read part III here ;

Read part IV here ; Read part V here ; Read part VI here ;

Read part VII here ; Read part VIII here

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of trauma/abuse, brief moments of self-harm, mentions of anxiety attack, *moments of assault*

**This chapter contains mentions of assault. Please be aware if this is trigging for you!

B/N: I’m getting a little lost in my own timeline, so apologies for any inaccuracies... All mistakes I claim as my own.

Summary: Dean, Sam, and Y/N grew up together, but when she’s taken away for over 10 years, the boys have no idea what she’s been through. Will asking her to move into the bunker with them reveal more than she’s ready for?

Cas stood abruptly as Dean came down the stairs, rubbing at his eyes with the palms of his hands. He was exhausted, but it wasn’t in him to even think about sleeping when a monster was still very much on the loose. Sam remained seated on the couch, his head resting in his hands, looking every bit as exhausted and distraught as Dean felt. From the living room, Dean could see Bobby sitting at his desk nursing a glass of amber liquid, sure to be whiskey of some kind. Dean wanted to stay level headed for the moment, but would no doubt fall asleep with a bottle of his own later. 

“Dean,” Cas nodded toward him, offering him his seat on the couch next to his brother, but Dean waved him off, choosing to stand, crossing his arms over his chest. Cas nodded curtly recognizing that Dean was waiting for him to tell the story. 

“While we were speaking, Dean, I heard a woman’s voice asking God to save her from her pain. As you know, I have never spoken with Y/N and I do not know her, but I felt that she was the woman you, Sam, and Bobby were looking for. And she was in profound pain. So I left without word. I do apologize for that, Dean.” Cas gave Dean his signature sorrowful eyes, head tilt thrown in, and Dean waved him off again, letting him know it was fine and that he should continue. Cas didn’t break eye contact with Dean, and though it unnerved him, he let the man continue to stare while he told the story. 

“When I arrived, I was in some sort of underground dungeon in western South Dakota. The building above was abandoned, but the dungeon was very much operational. I appeared directly in front of the woman who had prayed for me, who I realized had to be Y/N. I introduced myself as Castiel, angel of the Lord, and healed her---” 

Dean held up a hand to stop him abruptly, and Cas shut his mouth instantly. “What kind of wounds did she have, Cas?” Sam looked up at his brother questioningly, and Dean merely shook his head telling him silently to ‘leave it.’ Cas looked uncomfortable with the question, but answered anyway, knowing evading Dean was impossible, when he wanted answers. 

“She was chained up by the wrists, so I healed the burns and scrapes from the shackles. It appeared that she spent a few hours on her knees, so I healed the scrapes and swelling there...” Cas trailed off, hoping he wouldn’t have to continue, and glancing at the older Winchester. Though Dean looked distraught, he motioned for Cas to keep talking. Cas took in a huge breath of air before continuing. 

“She had a few internal injuries that seemed to have come from rough intercourse and I healed those wounds as well.” 

Sam stood to his feet, pacing around the living room with an angry look on his face. When Dean glanced into the office, he saw that Bobby was gone, having walked away when Cas finished his retelling. Sam continued to pace back and forth looking like he wanted to punch someone or something, and Cas looked ashamed and guilty for his side of the situation. Dean placed a hand on his shoulder, silently thanking him, and Cas nodded once in response. 

“Do you know where the monster went, Cas?” Sam asked finally, turning to face the two men, his eyebrows creased together in thought. Cas merely shook his head before speaking. 

“I wrapped Y/N in my coat and came instantly back here. I apologize, I should have investigated more, but it didn’t seem like any creature or human was present at the scene when I appeared.” Sam nodded, continuing to pace and Dean clapped Cas on the back again with a quick, “it’s not your fault.” Cas nodded again, when he suddenly became serious, a far-off look in his eye. 

“Y/N is waking up, Dean. I can feel her anxiety.” Dean nodded, leaving the two men and Bobby, wherever he was, to deal with the next steps, as he bounded up the stairs toward where Y/N was. 

---------

When you woke, you realized you recognized the room, but you still felt fear and adrenaline course through your veins, realizing the last thing you remember was being shackled to the ceiling in Greg’s dungeon. You didn’t sit up, but began to sob remembering the day you just had, which felt like a lifetime ago. Though you didn’t feel any pain, the memories of the dungeon were etched permanently into your memory, and you gasped shooting into a sitting position when you remembered what Greg had done to you... What he made you think Dean did to you. Dean. 

As if you had actually called out for him, Dean appeared in the doorway, and you shrunk back some into the bed, your mind screaming at you to run. Dean seemed a bit shocked to see you sitting up in bed, and came toward you slowly. 

“Stop.” You said lowly, but Dean didn’t hear you, taking a few more steps toward you. 

“Stop!” You repeated loudly, hearing heavy footsteps bounding up the stairs in response to your yells. 

“Dean,” You repeated exasperated, needing to find some way to tell that it was really him, despite your body telling you to run far away from him. Sam, Cas, and Bobby appeared at the door, and you relaxed. 

“Can I talk to Sam? Alone.” You spit out, seeing the light go out behind Dean’s eyes. You felt horrible, but he would need to understand, and would fully understand soon, you just needed to talk to someone. Though Castiel would be a good candidate being that he found you, you were leery of the angel as well, especially now as he stared at you with those bright blue eyes. Dean nodded, turning on his heel and ushering the angel and whiskey drunk Bobby away from the door. 

Sam came fully into the room and closed the door behind him, before approaching the bed. Tears began to well in your eyes as you thought about telling Sam the truth of what happened to you, and you launched yourself into his arms, pulling yourself into his lap so you could bury your head into the crook of his shoulder and neck, breathing in the scent of home. Sam wrapped his arms tight around you and held you close to him, finally breathing after hours of worrying. 

In Sam’s firm hold, you let yourself fall apart. “What am I going to do, Sam?” You wailed, sobbing harder thinking about the look on Dean’s face when you essentially kicked him out of the room. You had to find a way to know that he was the real Dean. It should be him comforting you right now, you thought to yourself.

“Tell me what happened, Y/N.” Though it wasn’t a question, Sam’s voice was gentle and even. “Tell me what happened, and I’ll help.” 

You pulled away from him a bit, looking into dark blue eyes, gathering your strength from the younger hunter, who had been through so much in his life as well. 

“He posed as Dean, Sam... He took my worst fears and heightened them to something I could never even imagine.” Sam didn’t look shocked at your confession, but nodded his head, understanding where your confusion was coming from. 

You hiccuped a little controlling your tears for the moment. “Dean would never hurt me.” You stated more to yourself than anything, but you knew mantras and words would never ease the panic you felt deep in your veins when you saw Dean standing in the doorway. 

Sam nodded again understanding, digging in his front pocket. You looked at him questioningly before he spoke. 

“None of us would ever hurt you, Y/N. I know you know this in your soul, but I recognize not being able to convince your mind that Dean isn’t the shifter with what you’ve been through.” He looked at you seriously, and though you saw emotion, none of it was pity, and you thanked him silently with your eyes.

“You don’t have to take only my word, I can show you both your dad, my dad, and Bobby’s journals that confirm, but silver makes a shifters skin burn, much like holy water on a demon.” You looked deep into Sam’s eyes, knowing he would never lie to you, but wanting the confirmation anyway. Seeing that he had your attention, he held up a simple silver ring, looking away guiltily before continuing. 

“When we lost you, I was afraid something like this would happen. That the shifter would pose as someone close to you to hurt you, so I had Bobby find me a silver ring. Wear this, and if you are ever unsure if one of us is a shifter you can simply grab our arms and wait for the sizzle.” He smiled softy when you grabbed the ring and slipped it onto your right hand ring finger, feeling a weight lift off your body a bit, knowing you were that much safer with this on your body. 

“Thank you, Sam.” You responded simply, wrapping one arm around his neck, and the other grabbing his wrist lightly, testing the touch of the silver against his skin. He chuckled under your hold, and you both watched his arm for any sort of reaction, even though you knew there wouldn’t be. You looked satisfied, so he lifted you lightly off of his lap and stood, gesturing toward the door.

“Do you want to test the ring more?” You glanced down at the simple silver circle and nodded, wanting more than anything to be in Dean Winchester’s arms. The real Dean Winchester.

—————

When Sam told Dean that Y/N wanted to see him, he looked skeptical, staring silently at his brother and asking him ‘why now?’ Sam simply pointed toward the stairs and told his brother to “go,” indicating that he would find out soon enough. 

Dean finished the whiskey in his glass in one large gulp, gaining a bit of courage to face the woman who he wanted nothing more than to hold, but had kicked him out moments before. 

Dean looked anxious as he stood in the door, waiting for you to tell him what his next move should be, and you motioned for him to come sit on the bed with you. He hesitated, but stepped forward slowly, like he had before, perching on the very end of the bed, as far away from you as he could get, and still be on the bed. You didn’t blame his hesitation, you had some of your own, as you took in what you needed to be the real Dean Winchester in this moment. Crawling forward hesitantly to sit up on your knees, you pushed Dean’s shoulder so he was facing you, one leg moving up on the bed, and wrapped an arm around his neck, the other gripping lightly at his bare wrist so the ring was touching it, like you had done to Sam. Dean kept his hands to himself for the moment watching you, and you waited for any sign of the sizzle of skin, holding your breath.

When none came you threw yourself at Dean, straddling his lap and nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck. Dean was frozen for a few seconds, until he let out a breath of air, and wrapped his arms around you as tight as he could mirroring your position and planting a few chaste kisses against your pulse point. You groaned quietly, feeling heat rush through your body and grabbed fistfuls of Dean’s shirt, grounding yourself in the moment. This was Dean, he passed the test, it’s really him. You’re safe.

Dean felt your body begin to shake, and he pulled away, taking your face in his, and you turned and kissed his palm, giving him a small smile, which he returned, eyes filled with tears, grateful that you were in front of him. You leaned forward and kissed his lips, ignoring the way your body lurched back when he reacted and deepened the kiss, running his tongue along your bottom lip. You wanted more than anything for him to help you forget, but you couldn’t take this any further until he understood what had happened. Again. You didn’t have the security of Dean’s room at the bunker, or the darkness to shield you from what you were about to tell the man you loved, but you weren’t worried about the way he would view you. Rather you were scared of how much Dean would beat himself up over what you were about to say. 

You pulled back lightly, licking your lips and savoring the flavor of sweet whiskey and Dean on your mouth. Dean was staring at you intently, almost like he wasn’t believing you were actually here, and you rubbed at his shoulders in response, to remind him that you were real. And you were safe. 

“Dean,” you started, staring into his forest green eyes. “I have to tell you what happened...” You were suddenly hesitant, not knowing how to relive the worst moment of your life. Dean squeezed gently at your hips, letting you know he was there for you, but he spoke up as well. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, baby. Cas told--” 

“I have to tell you my side of the story, Dean. Castiel wasn’t there for it.” You cut him off, and he nodded looking guilty for saying anything. You picked at a loose thread on Dean’s flannel while you found the right words. 

“I had just been sitting on the Impala when he grabbed me, and I woke up in some kind of damp room, shackled to the ceiling.” You had finally found your courage to get it all out and the words were suddenly pouring from your lips, Dean hanging on to every one. 

“He only took off my clothes the first time he visited. But when he came back the second, I knew he was going to take what he wanted. I resisted and he told me that he wanted me to enjoy it as well. And with that he turned into you...” You trailed off, getting emotional now, wrapped up in the moment you looked into the hunter’s green eyes, thinking you were finally being saved. 

“What!” Dean yelled, making you jump. He didn’t move to get up, but you could feel the anger radiating off of him, and he worked hard to contain himself as he waited for you to tell the rest of the story. But you simply placed your head back into the crook of his neck, hoping he could fill in the blanks himself this time. You laid soft kisses along his collarbone, hoping to release the tension in his shoulders, but he was long gone, surely imagining nothing but sinking a knife into Greg. 

You were getting tired as you clung onto Dean, exhausted from the day, and from retelling your story. Your emotions felt out of control, and you wanted nothing more than a deep, dreamless sleep. One that only came from being held by Dean. 

He shifted lightly when he felt you yawn against his neck, and moved to lay you back on the bed, when you grabbed onto his arm. 

“Stay with me.” You stated, peering up at Dean. The corner of his mouth lifted slightly and he nodded, moving to the other side of the bed, and stripped down to his simple black shirt and boxer briefs. He sprawled out on his back, and reached for you, pulling you to lay your head against his chest, where you could hear the comforting thump thump thump of his heart. You were asleep in minutes. 

Dean, however, laid awake, plotting the long, slow torture of the thing that hurt you. 

When We Were Young Tag List: @vicmc624 @woundedxsmile @akshi8278 @supernatural3002

Read Part X here!

[excatholicatheistace]

My Cult Story Part V: The Gift of Intercession

I'm sharing my experience in a Catholic Charismatic Cult. You can find Parts I-IV on my page!

TW: Religious Trauma/ Spiritual Abuse

Fr. Brad liked to tell people that his Discernment (a word used in some Christian circles to describe the ability to distinguish God's voice vs. your own) was 96% accurate. This is the number Frances Phillipes told him as she was praying over him as a young man (according to him, anyway).

I mention this because it show intense the obedience structure was in this group. Frances Phillips was shrouded in mystery, we weren't allowed information about her other than that she was incredibly holy, heard the voice of God audibly, saw visions, and had an incredible gift of healing.

Then there was Fr. Brad (at our international campus), Mr. 96% accurate, then Br. David. and finally, Steve and Joe.

It was drilled into us that God anoints certain people and we were to fall in line under them. It's honestly not so different from the Catholic Church as a whole, who teaches that we are broken, have a fallen intellect and will, and can't discern right from wrong properly because we are wounded by concupiscence (The Catholic Church defines this as a natural inclination toward evil that we have because of the fall of Humankind), so therefore we should trust the people anointed by God to lead us. They have the Holy Spirit guiding them in a way that we don't. Ultimately, it was seeing these parallels that led me away from the Church altogether.

The main difference is that this group claims that authority over you in everything. Your gifts were discerned by them, your purpose was discerned by them, whether or not you had demons attached to you was discerned by them, whether or not you were "in tune" with the anointing was discerned by them.

So, when I met with Steve and Joe in anger one day because they hurt a friend of mine, it was a big deal. I was going against their authority... and who was I but an "ungifted" girl with a "Spirit of Sensitivity" attached to me?

My friend had come to me crying the night before saying that Steve and Joe told her that she didn't have enough faith to be healed from her Generalized Personality Disorder.

My poor friend, who was already anxious enough that she wasn't holy and who was struggling with the Church's language on how broken and messed up human beings are. My poor sweet friend who cried at the thought that even the Saints get purgatory time and how she didn't deserve even that for how "wretched" she is. My poor friend who couldn't find a medication that worked for her and she started spending more and more time in her room.

I was fuming.

I met the guys at the coffee shop near my room at the bottom of the hill. I told them that they aren't mental health professionals and they aren't doctors. I explained that they may have done her grave harm and hurt her even worse.

Their response? God is the ultimate physician, Prayer never harms people, They were following the anointing, God anointed them for this ministry, and of course, they ended with more criticism of my spiritual life. They mentioned that I haven't been going every Saturday anymore and they noticed, how they know I don't pray A Prayer to Take Authority enough, and they reminded me that I don't have the gift of healing.

I was unbelievably frustrated, so I called Br. David.

At first, he reiterated the same message (God anointed them, I'm not in tune with the anointing so how would I know if it's harmful, etc.). But, I refused to let the conversation end there. I tried appealing to his empathy by describing my friend and what she is going through. I described what she looked like crying on the floor of my room and how fearful she is of praying now. I was surprised at how silent he had become as he listened. He was silent for a long time before he said, "I'll talk to the guys about their bedside manner."

.

I'm not sure what he said to them, but they did look like they were fed a dose of humility after that. At least for awhile. They spoke to me in a more gentle manner, they didn't constantly question my ability to reason, they were mostly quiet. People on campus said they were much nicer at the Saturday night meetings (my friend wasn't the only one who got hurt by them). They even "discerned" that I had a "Gift of Intercession." This didn't allow me to pray over people. It essentially meant that I was really good at praying for others on my own in the silence. It sounds ridiculous now, but, I was happy with my "gift." I guess it shows how vulnerable I was and how badly I wanted to believe and to be accepted. I truly did blame myself for most of the things that were going wrong.

Nathan was my best friend that year (he decided he was able to "handle" being friends with me after he saw how much it was hurting me to go back and forth) and he was so immersed in the group. It became his entire existence. He lived and breathed it. I think he was a major reason that I stayed, too. I truly loved him and at this point he was my biggest support. And Daisy, while she wasn't present on campus anymore, was still enamored with the group. I visited her often and we would pray for the anointing together. I trusted her. She was one of the smartest people I knew.

I figured I just disliked Steve and Joe, not the teachings. This wasn't true, but we all tell ourselves things to help our brains cope without rocking the boat too much.

(To be continued)

[mithliya]

this may be an offensive question so up front, i don't mean anything harmful or that i'm asking in bad faith. i do wonder if gold starism really does correlate to lesbianism, and i understand you had a bf before. if it turns out that you are bi, is it something that you can deal with? what i mean is, will you still be with women happily like you are now with your lesbian label instead of bi? i feel like some bis mislabel themselves as lesbians so they can feel brave enough to be women only. jw!

i don’t think “gold starism” correlates. ive met plenty of women who are very much exclusively attracted to women yet not goldstars, many lesbians who have been out for decades and fighting for lesbians for decades but long ago they had a husband or boyfriend or w/e. women overall are pressured to be with men and told thats our role in life, and many lesbians grow up pushing themselves to fit into that. on another hand, plenty of goldstars also eventually come out as bi. someone’s sexual history tells us little to nothing and the human psyche is far more complex than “only does something if they genuinely want to / if it’s natural to them” and this has been shown over and over again. a lot of the goldstars i know have told me that them being goldstars feels more like a result of their specific environments, for some they were pressured a lot to be w men or try men but refused. there’s no one, shared Lesbian Experience beyond us all being female homosexuals, ie having always been & continuing to be exclusively same sex attracted.

ppl love bringing up the boyfriend i was pushed into a relationship with and felt obligated to be with, yet had 0 attraction to and kept trying to leave, to argue i actually have faced attraction to men. but that was simply not the case for me. i was never attracted to any man, not even him, but i did try desperately to change that to my own detriment, until eventually i accepted that i simply cannot. unfortunately way too many lesbians have done similar to varying degrees and i hope soon there’ll be a future where none of us feel like we have to fight ourselves like that.

now to answer ur question… if i were bi, i don’t see why i wouldn’t be exclusive to women anyways? idk. hard to say. i don’t bother thinking about that bc people have been trying to convince me that im into men for years & ive done the same to myself years before that and it just hasn’t happened. i don’t believe what lesbians are often told, that Maybe we’ll eventually find “the right guy” who’ll “change our minds” someday, and that’s what this feels like to me tbh.

[ithappensoffstage]

about your recent post: please do ramble 🥺 i want to hear what you think about those parallels and protag and protagoneil in general so much! please just write whatever is on your mind because we really need it 🤍

Alright, let’s do this!! Answer and--obviously--film spoilers under the cut! I’m flattered that you’ve asked me to do this and hope I can articulate this well; if I don’t, and even if I do, please feel free to ask any follow up questions/clarifications.

The subject of this rant is why some dialogue parallels are Backwards Boyfriends-esque.

In London, at Shipley’s, we have this scene between Kat and The Protagonist. (Note: I’ll shorthand him to Protag from now on). 

KAT: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s a lot of work before any kind of valuation - provenance, microscopic examination, X-rays…

PROTAGONIST: But what does your heart tell you?

This is their first meeting. Protag approaches her with an offer, blackmail, and all with the intent to use her as a means to meet Sator. Still, Protag treats her kindly. Not gentleman-Bond, sauve-seductor kind, but with human interest. He’s ostensibly asking about the forged drawing here… he’s really talking about if she believes him, what her heart tells her about HIM. Because he is about to test her faith. He is about to reveal to her that he’s brought a forgery and needs her simply to meet her arms-dealing husband.

(I don’t think this is a “heart” thing like “love.” Protag and Kat, to me, never approach romantic entanglement. That’s another ramble for another time, though.)

Now, in Tallinn, we have this exchange between Neil and Protag.

Neil: It’s unknowable. If you’re there to make a change, you’re not here to observe its effect.

Protagonist: What do you believe?

Neil: What’s happened’s happened.

Once more, ostensibly, Kat’s wound, the car chase, and briefcase. Protag here, though, is asking “Do you believe in ME? Do you believe I can accomplish or change this based on what you know of me, have seen of me, [love about me]?”.

I think it’s important to note how, in the first scene, what dialogue I haven’t included in this text is Protag asking, “What’s it worth?”--you can see it in the photos on this post. Subtextually, let’s regard this as, What is involving yourself in this scheme worth to you? Is your freedom worth it, etc. Again, that belongs in my why-I-fucking-love-Kat’s-arc rant, so we’ll just leave it there as something to consider moving through this next bit.

The most vital distinction between these scenes is the dynamic behind the reaction from Kat versus the reaction from Neil. Kat is bothered, worried, distraught: negative emotions. She caves, though, under that pressure. And is subsequently powerless to stop the story from happening to her.

Neil is frustrated: negative emotion. But he’s also teaching Protag how to be the Protag he knows, and is really the one leading the interaction here, because he gets to decide how much to tell Protag and when. Yet, he’s also giving rules given to him by the Protag in the future. Regardless of how I view their relationship, that’s extraordinarily significant because it’s this circle of deciding for one another when the other can know--a circle of giving one another power. It’s Neil’s entire thing about not giving himself an excuse to do nothing. Every decision he makes controls Protag’s future and thus also Neil’s own. So his hesitation is not, I think, that Protag might screw this mission up--what’s happened, happened and all--but that he could harm himself or Kat by doing this thing that Neil wasn’t aware happened before/yet.

Anyway, also, the framing of this dialogue. Holy shit. Didn’t I tell you this would be a ramble? This set-up is the same, and not because Nolan is a weak writer by any fucking degree. This is so purposeful.

Protag: question

Kat/Neil: answer, plus an issue with the posited next step in Protag’s plan

Protag: What does your heart tell you/What do you believe?

“Believe” being in italics really gets me. ESSENTIALLY, THEN, HE IS ASKING NEIL IF HIS HEART BELIEVES IN THE PROTAGONIST. Not in physics or some shit, but, if I go out there right now, does your heart tell me I’ll live? But Neil’s not sure because the Protag in the future, the man he knows (and loves) hasn’t died, didn’t die, but is this different? But it can’t have--and Neil is lying quite a lot in the movie, balancing what he’s aware of so he doesn’t muck up the Protag’s trajectory--so he calls it “unknowable” when what he truly means is “I know you and Kat live through this so of course I believe you live through this.”

Protag also isn’t interested in science or art, which is SO FASCINATING. Like. He doesn’t care about the x-rays; he wants to know if Kat thinks it’s (he’s) real (honest/good) at the start. He doesn’t care about the theory; he wants to know if Neil BELIEVES. THINGS. CAN. CHANGE. FOR. THE BETTER. Or at least to a degree where everyone lives. Which is why at the end he asks if they can change it so Neil doesn’t die?? Like what the fuck aNOTHER dialogue parallel to the final showdown because the two people we see Protag care most about in the film have parallel scenes (the two above), then both are put in danger, and Protag wants to protect them even though he can’t change it but he WANTS to? I’m going insane.

So, why is this Protagoniel and not Protagonist/Kat romance? For one, oh-ho, I said I wouldn’t get into this, but Kat’s whole arc is about finding her own freedom. Why the FUCK would we add a romance to that. Her relationship with Protag is beautiful because it’s about betraying Andrei in a real way, not in some gross, male-macho ownership over Kat way. MORE ON THAT IF YOU WANT IT BUT I’m going to attempt to control myself.

The Neil and Protag scene is more romantic, even without the intimate setting (Shipley’s) and the word “heart” because they make it intimate? Car chase just happened, there’s just been an inverted round shot into Kat, Wheeler and Ives are there, and Protag takes Neil aside to ask him what he BELIEVES. Here, tell me this crucial thing about yourself, what makes you into you, your beliefs and values, and tell me right before I go put myself in danger, and also, you’re the person I trust most to give me this information. Wow, wow, and more wow.

UM so I do hope this makes a modicum of sense? Thank you for your ask and please, if you have more questions, throw them my way for more messy answers!!

[ryttu3k]

Part 2 of my season 12 reaction posts! Find part 1 (Resolution of the Daleks to Fugitive of the Judoon) here!

Praxeus

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Praxeus!

OKAY FIRST. THANK YOU, SHOW, FOR FIXING A BIG ISSUE I HAD WITH THE FIRST SEASON. So they were doing a thing where they’d introduce incidentally queer characters, have a female character mention her wife, stuff like that, only for them to die. This episode had Jake and Adam, married/separated/it’s complicated couple, who face huge amounts of danger, who both come close to dying, but who survive! And have a Big Damn Kiss! And walk off together holding hands! They survived!!

Plotwise, I enjoyed it a ton while watching, although in retrospect it did feel a bit free of danger. The companions were never in true peril because the Doctor can home in on them automatically, and we never got the true scale of the risk of infection, since the only people we saw get infected were in isolated areas. I would have liked to see, for instance, the threat of Praxeus spreading beyond just the very Hitchcockian birds; all of the peril was on an individual level.

Good message, if unsubtle. Mind you, that’s kind of Doctor Who’s thing, and it pisses off conservatives, so all for it, really XD (They must have loved the core relationship in this episode, too!) Like. Subtle doesn’t work. There are literally climate change deniers that exist. Sometimes you actually do have to tell a message with all the finesse of a sledgehammer because .

(Side note, I was deeply concerned when I saw the cowriter was the guy who did the hot mess that was Kerblam!, so at least this was just an unsubtle and kind of questionably written story instead of an actively harmful one.)

The companions: Ryan seems a fair bit more confident on his own? His initial scenes with Gabriela showed that he’s starting to work well even without backup, and picking up the bird proved to be a damn good call. Yaz and Graham were a fun pair, and Yaz got a lot to do when she and Gabriela (again!) got to explore, and I can definitely understand the conflict between curiosity/doing what’s right and safety when it came to the teleport scene. She does seem to be bordering on the reckless. Intriguing!

Minor plot snag - Graham knows how to set up an IV, presumably because of the shitload of time he spent in hospital! …And yet he doesn’t know what a pathogen is?

Friend note!

“fun fact about graham seemingly not knowing what a pathogen is! in my reading of the scene, i saw it as graham knowing what one was. with "Well, I’m glad you asked that…!” he seems like he’s actually sort of pleased with himself, like he’s about to launch into an explanation, and then IIRC there’s a very brief shot at Ryan giving him a Look and Graham immediately changes tone to “…cause I didn’t want to look stupid.” he immediately changes from boosting his own ego to bolstering ryans and im love"

In which case, good shit gooood shit.

SFX - the infection was creepy as shit. The very obviously puppet bird near the lab was hilariously bad.

Apparently the filming was tricky because it was super windy so all the shorts of Thirteen with her hair Like That weren’t planned, it just kind of happened. Love a fluffy ruffled Thirteen.

So anyway. People calling for more plot focus - literally this is the Doctor trying to distract herself and not focus on the plot! This is her avoidance tactic! Emotional honesty? Who’s she? She’ll get back to it eventually, but for now she needs a distraction after being punched in the emotions. Give her that for one episode, c'mon.

Ryan: “…I do a lot of running.”

Graham: “Whatever is giving off those weird readings… is on the other side of that wall!” Yaz: *silently turns scanner around* Graham, not skipping a beat: “…is on the other side of that door!”

Yaz: “I don’t want you to panic, but… we followed one of those things through a teleport and now I think we’re on an alien planet.” Thirteen: “…well, you don’t do things by halves!”

Thirteen: “That’s why you smell of dead bird! I thought you’d changed your shower gel.”

Thirteen: “I’m having half a thought. Ooh, this one tickles!”

Thirteen: “What can I say? I’m a romantic~”

In conclusion, Doctor Who said gay rights.

-

Can You Hear Me?

Thoughts on Doctor Who - Can You Hear Me?

Trigger warning for discussion of depression and suicide.

You know you're in for a wild ride when iView warns for horror themes instead of science fiction themes.

Overall: at first impression, it felt sort of mashed together? There's 14th century Aleppo, and there's 21st century Sheffield, and there's a deep space station, and there's creepy monsters and dream villains; I do kind of wonder why Zellin targeted a random girl in Aleppo as source for his pet monster, although targeting people like Ryan's best friend makes sense if he's deliberately trying to lure the Doctor to him.

The theme, on the other hand, of mental health resiliance and reaching out, was done incredibly well. Oh yeah there'll be more comments about it - the Guardian described it as 'adventures in Wokeness' - but damn, sometimes you need to hear it. I loved getting more of Yaz' backstory, about being a desperate teenage runaway at the point of being suicidal, and her reunion with the older woman legitimately made me tear up.

But like, goddamn. Her nightmare - she's still hearing that. She's still hearing her sister saying that she should "do it right this time" and that this time she won't call and that no one is coming and holy fuck. God this makes so many of Yaz' scenes incredibly painful in retrospect, knowing that she was at that point only three years before and that she's still dreaming that shit! It makes her recklessness terrifying!

Ryan's nightmare, and his experience with Tibo - it's quite reflective of the Doctor, too. She wasn't there, and Gallifrey burnt. And Ryan is realising this now, and really thinking about the potential future in Orphan 55. I think this is absolutely foreshadowing Ryan leaving at the end of the season (there's been a lot of speculation given Tosin's new TV role), and I think Ryan and Yaz' discussion at the end of the episode was a definite hint in the direction of Ryan choosing to going back to Earth.

Would have really liked Graham, during his talk with the Doctor, to gently remind her that she can talk about her own problems, although I can understand the narrative choice on why she didn't (although, yeah, would have been good for Graham to ask). Because, yeah, if anyone needs a sympathetic ear (...sans fingers) or a shoulder to lean on, it's her!! The entire theme of this episode was like... reaching out. Conquering your fears with the help of others. Sharing your fears to lessen them. Getting help. And the Doctor deliberately... not doing that makes it into an actual Thing that I think is going to seriously be addressed by the end of the season.

It's been such an ongoing theme. A bunch of episodes have started with an obviously depressed Doctor. The Fam has tried to raise the issue multiple times and have discussed it amongst themselves even more. Scenes like Yaz' reaction after being abducted in Spyfall (...which makes her, "I thought I was dead" part even more worrying) and being comforted by Ryan, not the Doctor... her whole reaction to Graham being like, "I'm glad you talked to me but I literally can't do the same in return" - if it's not addressed by the end of this season, it's at least going to have to be an ongoing theme, because it's becoming very deliberate now.

An interesting note: the actor who played Zellin (an immortal manipulator of nightmares) also voiced the Remnants (who were the first to mention the Timeless Child in The Ghost Monument). Coincidence or deliberate?

Assorted thoughts:

"I'm still quite socially awkward." There's socially awkward and there's emotionally repressed... (I saw a description of it on Tumblr as 'weaponised dissociation' and... yeah. And also yikes.) Also the way she was so closed in on herself, basically hugging her arms to her body! On a semi-related note, talking to herself in Aleppo was a bit depressing. Like it's continuing the theme of The Doctor Does Not Like Being Alone.

The finger thing - ew ew ew ew it's in their EARS ewww D:

Stylistic comment: the traditionally-styled animation for the Immortals' game was gorgeous.

"Try not freak out, yeah, but you're on a floating space platform trapped in a gravitational pull between two colliding planets."

"Thanks for lending a helping hand!" Companions just being, "...Doctor p l s."

On an old lore note, loved the callback to Eternals, Guardians, and the Toymaker! On a concerning note, man, the Doctor has so many issues with immortals. They abandoned Jack, there was the punishment they gave the Family of Blood, they had those Issues with Ashildr (from what I've read), now this, an eternal punishment with no chance of redemption, perhaps because she knows what immortality does? Parallels with the Doctor as quasi-immortal too, which Zellin even pointed out.

"You're wrong about humans. They're not pathetic. They're magnificent. They live with their fears, doubts, guilt. They face them down everyday and they prevail. That's not weakness. That's strength. That's what humanity is."

(Contrast: "That's what humanity is." The Doctor isn't human. She's not prevailing against her fears, doubts, and guilt.)

In conclusion, literally everyone but the creepy immortals needs a hug.

-

The Haunting of Villa Diodati

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Haunting Of Villa Diodati!

tfw you think you're just going to get a nice spoopy historical and instead get major plot?

Overall impression: Well, Jack is going to be pretty miffed, given that the Doctor had to do precisely what he didn't want to happen - giving the Lone Cyberman what it wanted. To save Shelley, and also to save the future, although that does bring up the question on if the death of one person can rewrite the future, why doesn't that apply to literally everyone? Fletcher the valet and Elise the nurse died too, do their deaths have the same impact? Either way, the Doctor takes the Cyberium for herself - then realises that the Cybermen are inevitable, and returns it. And now she's trying to go and stop them. So... a bit conflicting in the message there, I think.

Yeah. Bit of a Trolley Problem there.

The characters were really fun. I did enjoy seeing Mary's sense of morbidness, but also her kindness and sympathy towards the Cyberman; you can see the foundations of Frankenstein there. I'm seeing some criticism of how Byron was portrayed as a coward, but eh. Nice little callback to Ada. Also I love how one of the rules was 'no one snog Byron'. Put that dirty boy back, you don't know where he's been! Glad Claire realised that too, although historically, she was already pregnant with his daughter at that point (and that didn't go well at all)... Either way. Good display of all these bright young reckless things.

(And yes, they were young. Byron was the eldest at 28. Shelley was 23, Polidori was 20, Mary and Claire were just 18. And while Claire lived to 80 and Mary to her 50s, the three men all died young, too - Byron at 36, Shelley at 29 - yes, from drowning, Polidori at just 25. Also wasn't mentioned that Polidori also created something on that Dark And Stormy Night along with Mary's Frankenstein - he wrote The Vampyre, the first modern vampire story!)

The Lone Cyberman (and I am deliberately using that instead of 'Ashad') - creepy as shit. Not just the whole Frankenstein look, but the way he acted! Not emotionless and blank, but actively manipulative and sadistic! Mary showed empathy and he actively threw it back in her face! I mean, yikes.

House was terrific and also spooky as hell. (Am lowkey miffed that no one went "VIBE CHECK!") The jumbled layout was quite Castrovalva, and I actually really dig that Graham got to see some actual ghosts. Ghostly sandwiches!

I think we got actual confirmation here that Yaz does have feelings for the Doctor? (Bleeding Cool News is pretty sure that it was for Ryan, but... lmao no.) BBCA twitter certainly thinks so!

Claire: "His answers only increase the enigma." Yaz: "I know someone like that." Claire: "This enigmatic person of yours... would you trade them for reliable and dull?" Yaz: "My person's a bit different..."

I MEAN.

(It got deleted. So. There is that.)

Thirteen: "Hmm. Fourteenth... no. Fifteenth century... touch more umami." (Doctor, have you been playing Detroit: Become Human again?)

Mary: "I don't think they're really from the colonies!" Byron: "No, she... is from somewhere much, much stranger." Polidori: "The North."

Thirteen: "YOU HAD ONE JOB."

Cyberman: "You appear courageous. But your vital signs betray a heightened state of anxiety." Thirteen: "Or as I like to call it... Tuesday."

Thirteen: "Yeah, 'cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone. Left to choose. Save the poet, save the universe. Watch people burn now, or tomorrow. Sometimes even I can't win."

Claire: "You pursued Mrs Doctor without a care for my presence, belittled my thoughts and opinions... and then proceeded to use my person as a human shield." Byron: "...And?" Claire: "And the spell is broken... my lord." Polidori's face: "haha you fucked up dude"

Next week: Shit Hits The Fan.

-

Ascension of the Cybermen

In lieu of a proper post for Ascension of the Cybermen, here are a list of questions we need an answer for.

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

What is the Boundary?

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Are there any other large human populations left?

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

What's up with Yaz?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

-

The Timeless Children

WELL THEN.

While I gather proper thoughts on The Timeless Children, here are the questions I had from Ascension of the Cybermen, now with answers!

Will Graham and Yaz survive, on a giant carrier full of Cybermen?

Yup! Disguises for the win!

Who is Brendan, and what is his relevance to the story?

Brendan is a filtered overlay memory of one of the Doctor's former lives.

What is the Boundary?

An anomaly, as far as I can tell.

How is Gallifrey in the Boundary?

No idea!

How was the Master in Gallifrey, and not trapped by the Kasaavin?

No idea!

Who is Ko Sharmus and why am I getting Yana vibes?

A big damn hero.

Who is Ashad and what is his story? (And why is his theme such a literal banger?)

We're still not actually sure. Either way, he's an action figure now.

Is he an actual Cyberman? Because I'm totally getting this impression he's human in armour?

Yeah, sort of.

How did Brendan survive being shot, and why did his non-ageing father and mentor do that?

Because Time Lords.

Why did it look like a chameleon arch?

It's probably related technology! If the chameleon arch rewrites memories, this one just wipes them.

Is Ethan's tech-savvy just warzone familiarity or something more sinister?

Just warzone familiarity. Poor li'l bean.

Are there any other large human populations left?

Possibly! If the Boundary really did send them to random places, there still could be surviving pockets elsewhere in the universe.

Was I detecting a hint of romantic tension between Graham and Ravio?

Maybe a bit XD And now they're all on Earth, who knows?

What's up with Yaz?

Who knows?

Why did the Cyberium get sent to that time period?

Ko Sharmus sent it. Didn't send it far enough.

Who or what is this alliance Jack is a part of?

Same organisation Ko Sharmus is part of. Also, young!Ko Sharmus/Jack please.

How do the Time Lords and the lie of the Timeless Child come into it?

In so many ways.

WHO THE FUCK IS BRENDAN?

The Doctor!

More thoughts later!

-

Thoughts on Doctor Who - The Timeless Children.

...Actually, first thought is the title. Timeless Children? Hmm.

Anyway. That is... sure a literally mind-blowing revelation for the Doctor, yes! Like, damn, the discovery that you're not even the species you thought you were, that your adoptive parent spent lifetimes abusing and experimenting on you, that your memories were routinely erased by people you thought you could trust (including your adoptive parent), that you're literally the progenitor for your entire species, that you've lost who knows how much time and who knows how many memories... yeah. Damn.

What's an appropriate birthday present for someone turning ten million?

Also, huh. Amidst all the old lore and casual mentions (like Borusa!) that got mentioned - were they taking hints from the Cartmel master plan? About the Doctor being some kind of founding figure for Gallifrey? Not exactly written as Cartmel had it, but that big main concept of the Doctor as a sort of... foundation piece of Time Lord culture was still actually there.

Brain of Morbius Doctors confirmed, I guess. I guess even Four was going, "...the fuck?"

Cybermen = still scary. Regenerating Cybermen = felt somehow obscene. Like, no, that's just fundamentally not right. Like the TARDIS responding to Jack by noping the fuck out kind of not right. God. And the Master was completely and utterly magnificently batshit, like, more than usual, come on, dude, you know they'd kill or convert you the second you turned your back.

Still. Deeply, deeply entertaining to watch just from a villain perspective, completely Chaotic, and like... I do understand where he was coming from? His entire life is a lie. His entire life is because of the Doctor, who, I think it's fair to say, he has Complicated Feelings regarding. (Their entire interaction this episode was a giant power play. Like damn guys just get into BDSM and leave the would-be genocide and universal takeover.)

Tecteun = Rassilon, I'm assuming. Goddamn. Like they were a pompous abusive asshole from the outset, this just kind of makes it worse. I also wonder if Rassilon chose the Master specifically to get the drums because he was friends with the Doctor? That actually may have been something the Master worked out himself, too. I mean, I'd be pissed off as well :-\

Also, how many people know about this? I assume Gat knew, since she was implied to be responsible for the mind wipes, but was it like... a super tightly-held secret or was it something a lot of higher-ups knew? Because that's fucked up tbh

Thought on the Master. Okay, he's hugely furious that he's been lied to, that the entire origin of his people is based on a lie, that his greatest friendrivalloveenemy is incredibly special and that a part of her is in him and not in the fun way, but like... I'm also wondering if he's looking at the Time Lords, the way they turned him into their puppet, how they drove him insane for their own purposes, then looked at the Doctor - someone who has also been used, abused, experimented on, manipulated, controlled, and went, "No. This is an injustice and the Time Lords need to be punished for it."

Oh, saw a nice theory regarding the TARDISes - Ruth!Doctor had the original busted police box TARDIS. When she was eventually taken in to be mind-erased, they sent the TARDIS off to storage to be eventually repaired. The Doctor manages to steal that one, goes to Earth, and it immediately gets stuck again because it's still broken. Explains how Ruth!Doctor can have the police box while also being pre-everything.

I really want the Doctor and Jack to sit down and have a nice chat about being timeless undying constants of the universe. Also for Jack to get one of the spare TARDISes around. Be kinda funny if he got the Master's old one, given the Year That Never Was, but it really is just sitting there. (Poor TARDIS stuck as a tree on a random wartorn planet in the far future, though!)

Also, Jodie was fucking magnificent in this episode. The hurt, the absolute fury, the almost glee when she's telling the Master he can't break her, her refusal to press the button at the end (so much like Nine's "coward or killer?" moment!)... just... so good.

Beautiful post I saw here on Tumblr - the Doctor as the Timeless Child, making the choice to help.

Amazing post here on Tumblr about abuse and repressed memories. Even if the Doctor doesn't remember it all, the abuse they underwent at the hands of a beloved parent figure still informs a hell of a lot of their behaviour, but it doesn't define them. The Doctor's need to run = informed by abuse. The Doctor's desire to help crying children = informed by abuse. The Doctor being an inherently good person = being their own person, no matter what their upbringing, no matter what their past was. They made the choice to be the Doctor, and that's a hell of an important thing.

Extremely painful post I saw on Tumblr about the Doctor being 'hip with the kids' by calling her companions her Fam but hell if they're not more family to her than her actual adoptive mother ow my heart.

Also, the scene between Yaz and Graham was so sweet <3 I do want to see Yaz, at some point, admit that sometimes she's so terrified she can barely move, and to tell him what she came so close to doing when she was sixteen, and Graham to just go, "Yeah, but you keep going." Also I'm trying not to think about how Yaz would respond to the Doctor going off on a suicide mission when Yaz was suicidal just three years earlier because ow my heart. She knows that Ko Sharmus went after her, she knows the Doctor might be alive, but either way, she's just seen someone she loves leave with the intention of dying (and Ko Sharmus too, actually). Someone please give her a hug. Actually please just let the Fam have a big group hug in general.

"Have you ever been limited by who you were before?" "Huh. Now that does sound like me talking."

So, remaining questions to be answered next season!

What actually is the Doctor? Since they were found near the Boundary, they could be from anywhere. It's fair to say they now are recognised genetically as a Time Lord, but what were they originally, why were they abandoned in the first place, and are there any more of their original people out there?

How do the Remnants know about the Timeless Child, or were they just picking up on that unconscious knowledge from the Doctor's own mind?

Like... we're generally under agreement that the Master, the eternal cockroach, survived, right? Despite definitely being lowkey suicidal like oh, was hoping the Death Particle would kill me? Like the Death Particle was made by the Cyberium, it could have gone, "Nah, keeping this one."

What's going on with the Kasaavin? Remember them? Still out there, stationed all through time and space? And are we going to see Daniel Barton again?

Is something going on with Yaz?

Will the Fam stay on? (I personally think Ryan will elect to stay on Earth to account for Tosin Cole's new TV role, and if Graham and Ravio enter a relationship, he might too.)

When will we see Jack again? If he was connected to the Lone Cyberman arc, that seems... pretty conclusively finished, unless we're going to learn more about it?

Is it Christmas yet?

............so the Christmas/NY special is going to start with Jack using his vortex manipulator to bust the Doctor out of prison and get back to the Fam and it'll never be mentioned again, right.

"At least buy me diNNER!!"

[flufflebones]

some more fun hcs about delphine [mc 1.... closest 2 my heart since ive used her in various settings for a While]! it’s a little long so im slapping it under a cut but its all sfw and all very much in good fun.

you know, mostly. i only really got two headcanons down and one is brief/about michael and the other is about pets in the devildom

- can and will fight michael do you think they saw the angel/anni event and were ok with it? yeah? no! just going to kick him hard enough in the shin to....... probably bust their own foot but its FINE 

- has an approximate accumulated f*ckton of devildom native and possibly (definitely) magical pets

[The list:

Sosig / Sausage - Hellhound - Gift from Beelzebub!:

A beast of considerable size and [reportedly] god awful temperament, bearing charcoal fur and the lingering [faint] scent of sulphur. More vulpine than canine, their frames are typically gaunt, with the flames that fuel their bodies licking out from the ends of their tails, their ankles and wrists [on their normal quadrupedal legs], the inner portions of their ears [leaving them at a disadvantage when it comes to hearing], their somewhat visible / open ribcage, and the corners of their mouth. 

Despite this general introduction, hellhounds are wildly varied and have a number of breeds and variations in recent history, typically intended for one of three purposes.

Companionship - These hellhounds are typically smaller in stature and less sturdy, with a tendency to bond strongly to one or two masters [with some consideration/leeway for those close to their master: See- Cerberus]. Arguably the most docile of any class of hellhound, they are still dangerous if not raised correctly, and have a nasty bite. Though not a true classification and with no formal means of training a hound to do so naturally, some companion hellhounds serve as a psuedo service dog, heavily attuned to the needs and potential problems unique to their primary master. This isn’t to say that they are an alternative to service animals, or anywhere near as well trained, *of course*, but the devildom is hardly the safest place for a regular human realm animal; And sometimes, you’ve just got to work with what you’ve got.

Sport / Show - Typically very much breed standard. While raised to tolerate handling and grooming, these traditionally built hellhounds are temperamental at best and borderline terrifying when their willful nature comes in direct conflict with a demonic handler who bit off more than they can chew. Heavily regulated, and typically owned by the elite.

Protection - The devildom is dangerous, and nobody is questioning that. Demons with a knack for animal handling [or demons who can afford to hire someone skilled with animals, of course!] breed and train these creatures to guard many things; People, places, objects, etc. They’re typically territorial and hard to train as a rule, as one cannot allow for a beast such as this to be tempted by treats or good petting from *anyone*, yfm?

Sausage is a bit of a mixed bag. Born from protective stock and bought by Beelzebub after overhearing Mammon trying to convince Lucifer to get Delphine/my mc a pet [who lays eggs, we’ll get there, that he can sell for a massive profit]. Being the youngest present brother at the time, anything capturing his interest other than food is both welcomed and encouraged in an attempt to positively reinforce him to not put the devildom at risk of a famine.

Delphine unintentionally raised this brick house of a hellhound puppy into a sort of in-between of companion and protector, with him being very social, very sweet, and *fairly* defensive and willful if things aren’t going his way. He’s typically the one to step in most successfully to motivate her to move around [yes, moreso than the brothers!] and do her day to day tasks, and is probably the best way to find out if something’s wrong with her-- Past being able to just kind of drag her off due to their size differential, his general wit and ability to communicate his needs and wants have led to unexpected food deliveries, blankets spread over her shoulders, and human world medicines arriving a few days before she shows any real signs of illness that she can see.

He’s also spoiled as all get out. If you’re sharing a bed/couch/blanket/etc with her, you can bet Sausage is soon to follow. Sorry, Mammon! He loooves table scraps and is almost as bad as Beel when it comes to eating things he shouldn’t [and looking too cute to be scolded about it too heavily].

Rocky - ... That’s just a rock, dude. - Gift from Belphegor:

It’s really hard to tell if Belphegor is messing around when he presents Delphine with a rough hewn black rock bearing two googly eyes, a pair of hilariously out of place crystalized horns, and a pair of similarly out of place crystal wings, but I swear on all things unholy, he’s doing it for a reason.

Though not... Really sentient, initially, Rocky just needs a good, possibly year long charging. Soulstones are sort of... Weird, in that they are inert and lifeless for as long as they remain with the boulders from which they are harvested. but typically-- After being exposed to a single party’s magical runoff and signature for a year or so-- absorb enough energy to come to life, their coloration and mineral makeup adjusting to fit the nature of the being they owe their life to. Delphine’s takes the form of a celestine and blue goldstone peryton; A winged stag. With crystalized wings and antlers, Rocky would almost look majestic; If it weren’t for the fact that the googly eyes have remained a feature that she has never been able to figure out how to remove. Soulstones are typically quiet observers, not requiring active care to thrive but delighting in contact [especially immediately post spell casting or magic use]. They are attuned to the needs of their magic bound masters, and typically exude an air of-- if not positive-- reassurance.

In Delphines Little Canon Divergence Corner, it’s likely that rocky coming into her care is one of the first of many attempts at reconciliation that Belphegor makes with her post chapter 16; And it honestly really, really sets him back, like, even when she returns to the human realm. Forgotten but included in her luggage, it’s a few weeks into her settling down on Earth that she finds the dinky little stone, and an overload of magic-- Possibly emotionally sourced, possibly due to unresolved tension/a discussion that never got to happen because he was being a little jerk about it-- sets off the transformation, which occurs overnight.

She recognizes the little stone figure when it approaches her in the morning, and one of her first texts about it is a simple, succinct “WTF” + an image attachment sent to Belphegor, specifically in the dead of night with the intention to wake him.

Henry “Pogchampion” 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, A.K.A: “Pip! Minette! Beans!” - Infernal rats - Gift from Leviathan:

A note: If you don’t care for rats or you’re more familiar with their popular association with illness or disease/classification as vermin, and are only capable of thinking of them in that context, I don’t care. I am specifically talking about rats in the context of them being pets-- And good pets, at that. If you want to talk about how much you wish they were dead/didn’t exist, thats not my problem. Just don’t do it on a post discussing them as a pet, or I will block you!

Anyway!

Leviathan is probably the most appropriate person for them to get pet recommendations from, but her asking never winds up a necessity; When he finds out that he’s got another pet enthusiast in the house, he’s *all* about it, and when he finally [very unsubtly] weasels his way into the information he needs, he gets them to come along with him to what’s supposed to be a routine supply trip for Henry that just *CAN’T* be accomplished online. It’s a trip to *a* shop, but not what she’s expecting, especially when she gets to meet a handful of very curious, very playful, larger than a medium sized dog mice and rats. These guys are very much pests turned pets, with a small niche of hobbyists raising them and breeding them for temperament and overall health and disease resistance. Very social and very intelligent, they tend to thrive best in groups if one is not devoting all of their time to them as an individual. The type Leviathan recommends are on the smaller side, with cloudy, soft fur and sweet temperaments. And massive teeth, nubby horns, spade tipped tails, and very large, typically bony or leathery wings.

Levi is... Probably the one who wanted them, really. They get a little big, and tend to like to roughhouse, and they chew like nobody’s business-- And while he can’t risk his figures or merch or other Otaku Trappings or wires for everything in his room, he *CAN* risk Delphine’s. Plus, Sausage needs a friend, right? Or three?

They pick up three, all of whom are sisters, and all of whom on paper are named Henry “Pogchamp”, 6.0, 7.0, and 8.0, since he *is* technically the one paying for them and at least gets to do that much. Even when they start being named Pip, Minette, and Beans, in casual conversation, he can still hold on to the fact that they’ll always be Henries in his heart of hearts.

Sausage loves them to bits, for the record, but their interactions tend to be supervised/very brief even without the worry of him being able to harm any of them due to the general (and very appropriate) ill advisement of large predators interacting with smaller prey animals. It’s cute, sure, but it can be dangerous, and Delphine (and Levi, to a lesser extent, because he’s using the excuse of them being friends to keep Lucifer off of his ass for adding another animal to her menagerie) isn’t about to risk it.

Sweets - .... A black cat? That glitters? - Gift from Satan and Asmodeus:

Small, sleek, and independent, Sweets is probably the pet people see the least of all of Delphine’s little collection-- Though that doesn’t mean she’s not well loved. A pet project between Satan and Asmodeus, Sweets isn’t *technically* a cat; They’re a being comprised of shadow, somewhat similar in nature to a familiar without the connotation of them technically being a demon slash demonic. Who just so happens to have been enchanted to appear like and generally function in their day to day life as a cat. That sparkles, the only concession Satan was willing to grant Asmodeus in return for his help obtaining the materials necessary to create  the little beast (and in return for him taking the heat when Lucifer inevitably got pissy about it). Given its unique nature, very little is actually known about the little being of shadow past basic care and assumptions based on its generally feline behavioral patterns. The rats scare the hell out of it, however, and it tends to be out of sight except when called, hiding in shadows and only occasionally emerging on its own.

... Oh, and be careful. Satan hasn’t told Del yet, but it seems that the belly rubs this shadowy kitty offers tend  to bite off more than they can chew if they’re not careful. Asmodeus thinks its horrible. Who wants a pet with a massive maw of teeth in their stomach? Satan desperately wants to use this quirk in Sweets’ nature for a prank. Delphine already knows, but is playing dumb for the sake of faking surprise when its formally revealed.

Elysia - Gilded Crow - Gift from Lucifer and Mammon:

SO, i”M going to keep this short because i’ve been writing this for several hours at this point on and off and i really really want to be ready for my dinner when its ready, but!

Elysia is a sort of... Special circumstance. Literally. Devotees to Mammon-- And yes, there *are* people who think he’s a legitimate demon lord, the only people really allowed to treat him like garbage are his brothers and a few choice officials too strong to be eradicated as any lesser demon might have been-- with a background in magical augmentation specifically enchanted this line of crows to reflect that which is most valued by their Lord; Riches. They’re technically not legal due to their status as something of an organic money generator, but a select few in a small flockare kept under the watchful eyes of the Demon Lord and his immediate family, and those who have been trusted by his family members. This is where Lucifer comes in.

Understandably, Mammon is not allowed to have care of his flock, though he certainly wouldn’t be the worst at caring for them. He’d just also be selling their products illegally, and you can’t have that!

Elysia wears a small enchanted band comprised of dull, unimpressive iron-- The kind of thing Mammon would neither notice nor have interest in. This band is enchanted, and serves as a sort of storage space for any of Ely’s dropped organic components. Talons, feathers, eggs-- Everything is automatically absorbed into the band, rendering the bird borderline useless outside of being a gorgeous pet, and a gigantic nuisance. 

Lucifer hates to admit it, but he really is a fan of the large, intelligent, gorgeous creature; And Mammon thinks it’s really funny to teach her to take shiny things (like grimm, loose jewelry, gum wrappers, etc), even past the sentimental value of the bird itself and what her kind represents to him. 

Delphine adores her, too, and is about as good an influence on her as Mammon is-- Teaching her to speak, in some capacity, simply by repeating certain words or phrases to herself as she does things in the day to day, especially during feeding time. It’s all fun and games, until this pretty golden bird calls Lucifer a ‘motherf*cker’ while she thinks he’s out of the room while visiting with Diavolo for an update on her health.

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[fragmentedink-archived]

Hell to Pay: Chapter Twenty-Six

I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, XI, XII, XIII, XIV, XV, XVI, IX, IX, XX, XXI, XXII, XXIII, XIV, XV

cowritten by @lux-scriptum

A/N: trigger warning for character death, implied past sexual abuse, implied self harm, excessive use of the work ‘fuck’

Amara came home to an empty house. Her stress must have shown, because Cin pressed up behind her as she read Lev’s note. She patted his curls absently when he bit her shoulder, and sighed softly. “I don’t think he’s okay.”

“He smells like baby,” Cin observed.

Amara snorted. “He lives with a baby, Cináed. What did you expect.”

Cin bit down harder, and then licked the puncture wounds. “It’s a nice smell,” Cin eventually said. “Calming.”

“Softie,” Amara accused. “I don’t know why anyone’s afraid of you.”

He bared his teeth at her, but when she twisted to tug on his curls, he was quick to bury his face in her neck, purring. “Give him some time,” Cin muttered against her neck. “I wander. He might want to.”

Amara grumbled. “Stop talking sense. This is a senseless house. No sense allowed.”

Cin snorted, pulling away. “Okay.”

Still. As time inched by, Amara grew more and more uneasy. She caved after two hours of waiting, and called up Raziel. The angel barely had the chance to confirm Lev wasn’t there before she hung up. Cin watched her pace silently.

The next person she called picked up quickly. “Is Lev there?” She demanded instead of a hello.

“No, he’s not. What’s wrong?” Nate replied.

She considered hanging up on him, but knowing Nate, he would just call her right back. “He went for a walk, didn’t say where. I’m being paranoid probably, I just wanted to know where he was. It’s just a bad feeling, that’s all.”

Nate paused. “Do you need me come help you find him?”

After chewing her lip for a few seconds, Amara said, “No. Bay’s ‘bout ready to pop. You should be with your mate. I’ll- I’ll call Nik, see if Lev went home. He was really mopey while he was here, he probably missed them.” She forced her tone to be light and teasing as she added, “Give Bay a big old smooch from me.”

“Are you sure?” Nate said after another moment of hesitation. “I can help for a few hours.”

“Nah. I’ve got Cin, I’ll go bug Nik, we’ll drag Cameron out by his ear if we have to. Focus on your mate. I’m sure he’s grouchy enough I took your attention away from him this long already.” She closed her eyes. “But thank you, Nate. I’ll keep you updated. Promise.”

Again Nate hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Positive as one of Bay’s pregnancy tests.”

Nate sighed. “I’m hanging up now. Good luck.”

“Bye, Nate.” Amara hung up, and chewed on her phone case while she stared at the floor.

“Are you going to actually call?” Cin asked from the couch.

“I’m still debating,” Amara groused, before dialing. “Cameron? Is Lev there?”

---

Nik was still slumped at the kitchen table nursing a tequila sunrise when Cameron reached for his freshly cleaned phone half a second before it even started ringing. He didn’t even look up from his cleaning the knives when he instantly said, “Where is he?”

Nik blinked and blinked again, looking down at his drink and then back at Cameron. “How- what? Did you know that was going to ring? Is Lev okay?”

Cameron, of course, ignored him and listened to whoever it was that decided to call at this forsaken hour. “You left him alone? Now?” Cameron said. “You know as well as I do that he’s about as dangerous as a newborn. I knew you were annoying, but I hadn’t realized you were an idiot.”

Nik sat up when Cameron’s mouth ticked. “So much for that magic, hm?” Cameron got up from the table and correctly assumed Nik would follow as he said, “Oh, I can do both at the same time, Amara. Human blood does do that.”

Amara?

“What’s she saying?”

Cameron just hung up and tossed him the phone without looking back at him. “She lost Lev,” he said, neutrally. “So I’m getting healed enough to make up for her incompetence. I’m still too injured right now.”

Nik instantly looked down at the phone and called her number. She answered immediately and said, “You’re a dick.”

“Don’t I know it,” Nik said. “What’s going on.”

“Lev left me a note, saying he went for a walk. But I don’t know how long he’s been gone.”

Nik closed his eyes and sighed. It was too early for this. It was too damned early. No wonder Cameron sent Eden away. Maybe he really wasn’t capable of protecting her. “Does… your magic say anything?” he asked. “You know that… thing you can do?”

“I have a bad feeling. It’s probably me being paranoid.”

Anxiety shot through Nik’s stomach when Cameron turned his head just enough to say, “You’re not being paranoid.”

“Cam said you’re not being paranoid, Mar.”

“Does Cameron want me to meet you there, or does he want to come meet me?”

Cameron said, “I’m not going to show up to that squallor you call an apartment, and I need to get healed. It’ll save time to just come here.”

“Did you catch that?” Nik asked her.

“He’s being a bitch again. Yes, I can hear him.”

“You make it sound like it ever stops,” Nik said, sighing. “How long you going to be?”

“Depends on if I crash my motorcycle on the way there or not,” Amara said. “The roads are getting icy.”

“Okay,” Nik said. “Just. Be careful, Mar. Can’t be worrying about you too.”

“No, I refuse,” Amara said, before promptly hanging up on him.

Nik sighed bitterly and shoved the phone into his pocket. But it promptly rung again. It was Lev’s cell but Cameron said, “Give me the phone.”

Nik blinked, and handed it over before he could think of an argument to that clipped tone. Cameron held it to his ear, back spasming as he descended the stairs. “Hello?” he said, in a tight voice.

“Lev?” Nik asked, leaning closer.

“Of course I’m still alive,” Cameron said. “It’s hard to kill me.”

“Not Lev.”

Cameron ignored him. “I see you enjoy my toys,” Cameron said, coolly. He paused, listening to whatever it was Nik assumed Destris was saying. “You never did like sharing,” Cameron said. “Don’t be daft, love is useless. He’s been here because he enjoys my cock in his ass. No more, no less.”

A chill ran down Nik’s spine and it had nothing to do with the cool air around them as they stopped in front of Sazra’s room. Cameron kept talking to Destris while he sat down silently on the cot, arms tightening as he braced himself for Sazra’s healing. “You are not the only one who uses my services, Des. As you know, I made my living sucking cock.”

Sazra’s face closed completely as she pulled Cam back to sink her claws into his skin. Cameron jolted, muscles tightening. He damn near dropped the phone as he let himself be baited by whatever it was his sadistic brother was saying. Nik said, “Okay, that’s enough.” He grabbed the phone from him and held it to his ear. “What the hell is wrong with you? Cameron is your brother.”

Destris’ laugh made Nik halt in place. He ground his teeth when Destris smoothly said, “He isn’t my brother. He’s a bastard. I know you angels are soft hearted, Nikolas, but to us demons, bastards are property. Nothing more. Nothing less and if I want to fuck someone, then I damn well will.”

“Where’s Lev?” Nik said. “I know you know, you sick fuck.”

Destris hummed and Cameron flicked a blank, pain laced stare his way. “Stop talking, Nik. He’s not going to tell you, alright? He called to taunt.”

He could hear Destris click his tongue over the line. “He never did have a sense of humor. Whatever do you see in him?” Destris asked. “I can’t believe you actually love him. It’s just an infatuation, you know that right? Do you see yourself in a century, with a little family of your own. With him as your husband?” Destris was laughing so hard. “Gods. I feel sorry for you. Thinking that Cameron is capable of something like that. Did your pet angel think that too? Was he so mooney eyed for Cameron that he completely overlooked the fact that Cameron is a whore and a killer who has already killed a previous lover? Who says you or Levant won’t be next?”

Nik didn’t even allow the blink, even when Cameron was staring him dead in the eye, not saying a damn word, either. Nik just hung up the phone and shoved it into his pocket. He picked at a bracelet, turning his attention to Sazra. “Hurry the fuck up.”

----

Amara stomped up the front steps, huffing. Why the fuck Cameron decided to live in an icy, wintery wasteland was beyond her. She damn near wrapped her cycle around a fucking tree twice on the way here.

“You’re not fucking poetic, asshole,” she muttered to herself, shoving the door open.

Not five steps inside a sentry jumped her, but that was to be expected. She slid to the side, shoving her elbow against the sentry’s back as she hooked a foot around his ankle. The second he hit the floor she dropped her weight on him, shoving a dagger against the base of his skull.

“I’m not in the fucking mood to play games,” she hissed. “Don’t push me.”

Footsteps announced Cameron and Nik’s presence, but she didn’t look up, even when Cameron said, “Took you long enough to get here.”

For a long moment, she wrestled with an abrupt impulse to shove the blade home anyway, but she leashed it, tucking that thought away for later, and stood. “You look like shit, Cameron. You sure you’re up for this?” For once, she wasn’t joking around, she wanted an honest assessment.

“The car’s already going. Get in it,” Cameron said, completely ignoring her demanding question.

She set her jaw, trying not to tense. “Guess that answers my question on if you wanted me to follow on my bike,” she muttered, before flicking Nik a look. “I’m assuming you’ve already claimed shotgun?”

“Yep,” Nik said shortly.

“Fucking fabulous,” Amara grumbled. She looked down at the sentry she’d pinned to the floor, and deep violet eyes met her gaze. The hatred there didn’t bother her. She just turned on her heel and stalking out the door. “You’re lucky I like you, Nik.” She sheathed her knife as she headed back outside.

Nik rolled the windows down as soon as he was in the car. Amara slid in the backseat after a moment of hesitation (and, admittedly, a Look from Cameron), but it took another look to get her to put on her seatbelt.

“Where the fuck are we looking first?” Amara demanded.

Cameron didn’t even answer, instead tapping away at his phone, and then fiddling with the GPS installed in his car. Rich motherfucker.

The silence was unbearable, but Amara knew better than to try to talk. Nik wasn’t saying a damn word, which Amara assumed meant he was working himself into a panic, as if that would fucking help anything. All he did was stare out the window and pick at his bracelets.

“Hey,” she said sharply, kicking the back of Nik’s seat. When he didn’t even glance back at her, just kept plucking at the bracelets on his wrists, she scooted forward, ignoring Cameron’s dirty look, and smacked Nik’s shoulder to get his attention. Anything to get him to fucking stop. She dug around in her pockets until she found what she was looking for. “I forgot to tell you, but you left this at my house. A-fucking-gain.” She dropped a guitar pick in Nik’s hand, and settled back with a huff.

It worked, at least. Nik still didn’t say anything, but he went to running his thumb over the pick instead of picking at his bracelets.

She glared out the window as the streets slowly became familiar again. Too familiar. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” she said, straightening. “That’s not-” She stared at the house at the end of the cul-de-sac they were approaching. “Lev’s not there, but that’s a fucking low blow.”

Cameron pulled to a stop outside Remiel’s abandoned house anyway. Amara thumped the headrest of his seat.

“You know he’s not there,” she said, sharply. Anxiety roiled somewhere behind her ribcage, an awful feeling she couldn’t shake. “Why the fuck did you stop?”

He shot her a look before pulling his phone out.

Not a second later, it began to ring.

---

Cameron had his phone in his hand and had to his ear not even before it had a chance to get to it’s first ring. He hadn’t even looked at the caller ID before saying, “Where are you.”

He barely heard the faint, “Cam- Cameron? I made a mistake.”

“Where. Are. You,” Cameron said, putting his car in reverse and starting to drive. “I’ll come get you.”

“Back at my house,” he said, too quietly. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

“What the fuck is he doing back at that house,” Amara said.

Nik’s only reaction was the tightening of his jaw, but Cameron just blatantly ignored Amara while he started for Lev’s address. “Keep talking,” Cameron told him. “We’ll deal with your bad choices later, but first that requires you in my house.”

Lev mumbled, “I want to come home. Can I come home?”

“Of course you can,” Cameron said, tightly. “Who else is going to keep Nik busy.” Lev just gave him a weak laugh, but fell far too quiet for Cameron’s taste. “I said to keep talking,” Cameron said. “Do as you’re told.”

It was a few seconds before Lev said, “I wanted to sell the house.”

“And you still can,” Cameron said, coldly, blowing every stop sign and light on the way. “I’m sure there’s some needy angel that needs a small house with cramped rooms somewhere. Blood stains come out.”

Lev gave another small laugh. “Not everyone needs to live in a mansion, Cameron,” Lev said.

“That’s because not everyone has decent taste,” Cameron said, flippantly. “Some are too poor to afford decent housing. Which is where you come in.”

Lev tried for a teasing tone. “Are you mocking my need to take care of everyone?”

“I don’t know,” Cameron said. “Am I?”

Lev’s house came into view. Cameron just pulled the car into the yard and as close to the door as possible. Nik’s face paled, but he said nothing. Cameron said into the phone, “We’re here. Keep talking.”

“I’m tired.”

“I know,” Cameron said, getting out of the car, walking past the thick trail of golden blood soaking into the light snow covered grass. The midafternoon sun made it reflect and glimmer in the daylight. Cameron ignored the rotting honey smell burning through his nose and shouldered past the wide open door on the front porch.

Nik’s breath was tight and shallow behind him; Amara was on his heel. Cameron weaved through the small space, following the bloody path to Lev curled into himself, holding the phone. Amara was already peeling out of her leather jacket and pulling her black tank top over her head and shoved it into Cameron’s extended hand. “Use that.”

Cameron was already moving and looking Lev over, looking for where it was bleeding most. Lev’s eyes opened slowly and he stared up at Cameron. “That you?” he mumbled.

“I told you to keep talking,” Cameron said, flatly, placing the shirt on Lev’s still bleeding stomach.

His eyes closed again. “That's you.”

Cameron could feel Amara staring at Lev before shifting her gaze to him. “I don’t have angel healing,” she said.

“No shit,” Cameron said, over Lev’s outcry as he scooped him up. He ignored the splitting pain in his back. “The only kind of useful you are is being a pain in my ass. We’re going to an actual healer. Nik- drive.” He was moving past them both, down the front porch and into the awaiting back seat. When Amara tried moving to the backseat with them, Cameron bit out, “Up front.” He didn’t give her the option to argue and closed the door before she could climb in anyway.

“Drive,” she said, to Nik, before turning in her seat to look back at them. At Lev. “What the fuck did he do to you?”

“Amara,” Nik said, tightly enough it was a warning drawn taut. “That’s enough.”

Cameron wouldn’t have been surprised if Nik kicked her out of the car if she pushed further. Amara just turned around in her seat sharply and buckled up, looking back at Lev. “I’m assuming we’re going to see Ash?”

“You assume right,” Nik said, flicking his dark eyes into the rearview mirror at them. “He’s not that arrogant for no reason.”

Amara pulled out her phone, texting, who Cameron assumed was the arrogant angel himself. Amara relayed Ash’s message and Nik drove even faster, going white knuckled at the wheel.

“I told you to speak,” Cameron said, tugging at Lev’s hair sharply. “You want to make me happy? Do as you’re told.”

Lev was trying to focus on Cameron’s face, but was failing at it. He was more staring through Cameron, instead. Cameron ignored the twisting feeling cutting through his chest, when Lev said, “I’m scared.”

He knew that already. He could almost taste it. It was palpable.

“I didn’t- say anything to him,” Lev said. Cameron didn’t catch what Lev said when Lev started trailing off. But he did catch Eden’s name. That only confirmed his suspicions, but he shoved that into a box and wasn’t planning on thinking about it again when Lev’s bloody hand covered Cameron’s still applying pressure on Lev’s stomach. “I am- I was...”

“Keep. Talking.”

“Cam,” Nik said, sharply.

He ignored him, pressing his hand against Lev’s abdomen and wiped the shiny blood from Lev’s lip. Nik swung into the drive, going through the grass to the damned front steps, but Lev gave a little sigh, hand going limp and Cameron said, “It’s too late.”

Amara whipped around. “The fuck it is,” she snarled.

Cameron growled low in his throat, but his peripheral vision caught a flash of the annoying ginger stalking to the car. He pushed the door open in time for Ash to swing it open further and climb in with them. Ash’s red hair was pulled back from his face in a tight bun, green eyes flashing and glowing bright.

There was no trace of the insufferable smirk on Ash’s face as he quickly and efficiently assessed Lev’s body, fingers tracing down Lev, looking at all the wounds. He could sense Ash’s magic trying to find some shred of life- of Lev in Lev’s broken and shredded body.

Blood seeped down Ash’s lip, even if his efforts were futile at best. Ash wiped his lip, streaking blood across his cheek as he tried pressing his magic into Lev harder. The car was getting hot enough that Ash’s hair was damn near limp with sweat. “Damn it,” Ash swore under his breath.

“Ash,” Nik said, tiredly.

“No,” Ash said.

“If he thinks he can do it, let him,” Amara snapped.

“He can’t,” Nik shot back, nails digging into the seats. “It’ll just kill him too.” He looked back at Ash. “You selfish bastard, stop it.” When Amara snarled at Nik, Nik cut her a dark look. “Why didn’t you stop him, huh? You’re so intent on letting Ash kill himself to bring Lev back. Why didn’t you stop Lev from leaving.”

“I didn’t know he was going to leave,” Amara yelled at Nik, before turning back to Ash. “Ash, just fucking stop. He’s gone.”

tagging: @idreamonpaper @incandescent-creativity @livvywrites @halstudies​ @alittleyellowdinosaur

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Dragon Dancer IV: Pas de Trois

The knife that had been hovering near against my throat retracted somewhat and I felt a growing numbness in the skin covering my windpipe. Ru’Yi, swaddled in my arms, had fallen fast asleep and I laid her carefully onto the floor and stood as well.

Across the room from me, Nono held the replica Tongzi and slowly turned to face her opponent while Chu Zihang dragged the naked, bloody and unconscious form of Mingfei Lu into the corner of the room as far away from them as he could.

“You arrived a while back. Isn’t that right? You waited until the right time to show yourself. We actually led you here.” Nono said, “They call your kind ‘Executioners’, don’t they?”

She stared gravely at the shadow. A hovering blade still threatened, pointing at her forehead, right between her eyes.

The shadow spoke, “Isabel and the others are too reckless. Why do things out in the open when we can do them quietly?”

Nono didn’t flinch as the blade drew closer. “I should have been more careful. No matter how arrogant those big shots at the College are, they wouldn’t send such low-rank hybrids after us without sending a properly train high-ranker to follow them.”

I recognized the voice in the shadow. 

Susie!

The numbness in my throat now felt like a swelling, and when I tried to alert Nono, I coughed.

The sound of heels on a soft wood floors reached my ears. Susie’s slender figure stepped out of the shadows in a simple frilly summer dress. She looked ready to go for a refreshing stroll in the park. 

Nono smirked. “You look good.”

“In Paris, a girl is supposed to dress up to meet her girlfriends just as well as she would to meet her lover.” Susie gently brushed her skirt. “If you want, I can introduce you to the designer.”

Every time I opened my mouth to say something my breath caught and I felt like I was going to choke. Nono looked back at me.

“Carli’s Soul Skill is troublesome.” Susie explained. “The Gear Department prepared a neurotoxin just for her.”

She was right. If I wanted to, I could temporarily incapacitate any hybrid within range by lowering their dragonblood purity with Release. While not a deadly skill like my spears of light, such a drastic degradation of dragon genes created severe weakness and cramping and could even render someone unconscious. Susie had remedied that by stopping me from speaking. I looked at Nono and shook my head, tapping my throat.

Nono’s expression stayed light. “And this is your Soul Skill I see. I thought you were like me and didn’t have one.”

“Scissor Dance. It’s not as common, but very suitable for assassination. The College doesn’t want too many people to know about it, so when they found this skill in me, they didn’t record it in the file.”

Despite that, I had experience with this sort of Soul Skill in Japan. In Tokyo Tower, standing next to Chisei Gen to face down Tachibana and Herzog. Sakura Yabuki had filled the air with spinning poison tipped blades that she had sent directly at Herzog. I didn’t understand the mechanism, but it was obviously a powerful skill.

In a moment, Susie had rendered me unable to end this battle as quickly as I could have, but she didn’t end the battle either.

“You didn’t even tell me about it, though?” Nono looked disappointed.

“People were saying you were a fake A-rank. So when you told me you had no Soul Skill, I said, neither do I. Because I didn’t want you to feel alone.”

I sighed, remembering how Susie had flown all the way to France to watch over me and Ru’Yi and stayed after the disaster on Christmas Eve that wiped the memory of Chu Zihang and made everyone believe I was a lunatic. 

Even in my own memory, she had tutored me after Johann became very fond of me. It must have been painful for her to do that, but she did it anyway.

Susie was just that sort of person. Whatever you needed, she was there for you, rather it benefited her or not.

“Nono, Carli... please. Turn around before it’s too late.” Susie begged. “You’re different from Mingfei. You can choose not to be here. Carli...” She looked at me. “Think about your daughter. She’ll be an orphan if you die too. She’s still young enough. You can marry someone else. Someone else to be a father to her.”

“Nono, Caesar loves you. There’s no way he’d give you up to the School Board.”

“And what about Mingfei?” Nono shot back, suddenly tense.

“Institutionalized, minimal. While they see if he really harmed the principal or not...”

I opened my mouth but only a hoarse squeak emerged. Mingfei didn’t do it! Are they pursuing no other leads?

“They’ll probably exile him to the quarantine islands. That’s where they’ve held dangerous hybrids like him for centuries, no problem.”

“And if he turns out to be a Dragon King?” Nono tilted her head, eyes serious.

Susie was silent for a moment, “No one dares to keep a Dragon King around. Once they awake, they cease to remember who they once were. But they’ll be humane...”

“Humane?!” Nono laughed scornfully. “You talk about him like he’s a dog!” Her expression turned frigid.

“He’s not your dog!” Susie responded. “Even if he was, he’d be rabid. And there’s no cure!”

“You know, I’d like to say something mean but I don’t want to quarrel. He’s not my dog, and he’s not even really my little brother. I just cover for him because I want to.”

“Why?” Susie’s face fell, despairing and confused.

“When I was the saddest, I always wanted to have someone to encourage me...”

“What about Caesar?”

“After Caesar showed up I didn’t need anyone like that any more. I could handle my own problems.” Nono turned and looked at Lu Mingfei. ”I’m not talking about needing someone else for me. I’m talking about Mingfei needing me. I don't want to look at his sad, pathetic face! I have to fight the people who bully him. Got it?”

“So you’re doing it out of pity?” Susie sighed. “You’ve become the person he cares about most, and now you’re the person who can sadden him the most. It’s a catch-22.”

“Did I make a mistake? Maybe. If I don’t make this mistake though, who will? So I’ll deal with the consequences. Alright?” Nono’s voice relaxed again and she smiled.

Susie had to relent at that. “This is... just like you.” She gave a short little laugh. “Are... we still friends though?”

Nono nodded and gave her a thumbs up.

“Thanks.”

Even as a replica, the sword Tongzi was a powerful weapon, sharp enough to cut a horse in two with a single swing. Nono seemed to flash in front of Susie, swinging the blade in an upward cut.

Susie’s blade had retracted back to her hand in an instant to catch it in the air. It darted in like a snake, making a precise strike to cut the essential ligaments and tendons to render her unable to fight.

Like the poison tipped blade she’d used on me, her goal here was not to assassinate but to disable and capture.

When they separated, a piece of her skirt drifted to the floor.

Nono stayed on guard. Her hand felt that brush of cold metal against her skin. She’d only just escaped being wounded.

“You’ve gotten soft with domestic life Nono. I never used to be able to get that close...” Susie said. “While I’ve been killing since I got married. What have you been doing? Vacuuming drapes?”

I watched them carefully. Nono was an expert at profiling and while this soul skill was a surprise, Susie was someone Nono knew best. She would catch up quickly. I shifted my eyes to Chu Zihang who was watching the women slowly circle each other with an intense fascination.

He hadn’t learned the lesson that he taught yet. That the enemy would watch the eyes of their opponent.

So I lowered my eyes to Ru’Yi and pretended to be concerned with her while eying the fight in my peripheral vision.

“You charge me first. You want to target my weapon... but what is my real weapon?” Susie asked slowly. “I’m not going to come empty handed in a fight with you.”

“I know that anything metal in the room can become your weapon... but I just have to be fast enough right? You have unlimited ammunition, but it takes time to magnetize the objects you want to use,” said Nono. “I just have to knock you out and leave.”

Magnetism? Susie was like Magneto? I regretted that she wasn’t actually on our side.

“Let him go, Nono!” Susie gritted through her teeth. “It will be better for both of you!”

“How could I forgive myself in the future if I just let him die!”

“You want to talk about the future?!”

I suddenly shuddered as the whispered draconic seemed to come from all corners of the warehouse. The floor behind Nono shattered and lifted, the nails in the wooden planks in the floor had melted together to form a razor sharp disc, flying directly at her neck as Susie threw the blade in her hand.

I screamed but nothing came out.

Nono suddenly ducked down into a fetal position.

The magnetized disc behind her met the spinning blade in front of her. They collided almost silently, sticking together in mid air, before falling to the ground.

Nono smirked. “Two magnets will attract each other.”

Susie’s face changed color and then she scowled. 

Already, Nono had identified the main weaknesses of her ability: the time it took to magnetize objects and the fact that the laws of magnetism applied to these flying objects. If they got too near to each other, they could be stick to each other.

It suddenly occurred to me: My blade Tongzi was no ordinary blade. It was a blade made from alchemy materials, specifically dead metal from the Nibelungen. This metal couldn’t be magnetized!

I ran forward, drew Tongzi and flung it like a javelin! The swooping sound of the blade soaring through the air was like an arrow in flight. 

Susie directed her metal blade to block it, but the alchemy knife shattered it like glass. She dove to the floor at the last second and the blade cut into her shoulder before embedding into a metal barrel against the far wall. A clear brown liquid spilled out.

I kept running to get my sword back. 

Before she could recover and retaliate, Nono pulled the blade from the disc on the ground and pinned Susie’s arm to the wood floor by her sleeve.

I pulled Tongzi from the barrel and backed away. It was kerosene fuel pouring out of it. I lamented Royal Fire being gone.

“Nono! Stop fighting! You don’t stand a chance!” Surrounded, Susie’s desperation grew as she grew aware that she’d underestimated us, particularly Nono’s stubbornness.

Susie’s eyes turned golden and her skirt was filled with blue electric light. Her long hair was flying due to ionization like a goddess of thunder. The floor shattered in a circle around her. Countless blades formed from the dark iron nails.

Nono backed away in shock, not realizing her Soul Skill had such a wide scope.

Tongzi in hand, I looked at Susie’s back. The alchemy sword would disable any Hybrid’s self curing ability. I could stab her and she would fall and this would be over. But Nono and Johann would never forgive me.

That second of hesitation lost me the opportunity. Countless blades flung at Nono from all directions!

Much to my dismay, Nono gripped her sword and ran directly at them!

"No!” Susie’s face filled with horror. If she expected Nono to retreat from her, she had miscalculated again. 

I ran forward, even though I knew it was too late for me to stop what was happening either. 

 Tears were in my eyes, in Nono’s eyes, in Susie’s eyes.

Right then, a huge black shadow fell from above. A two meter high bookshelf descended, with book flying everywhere, blocking the way between Nono and the flying blades. Nono collided with it head first.

Two of the knives still made it through and cut into Nono but the rest were halted by the hardwood and the countless thick encyclopedias.

Susie’s relief was short lived.

Chu Zihang barreled forward with the eyes of a demon, swinging the replica Spider Fang with deadly intent.

His manner before was so diffident and child-like, she’d dismissed him as a civilian but now he’d become a combatant!

She scrambled away, as the blade arced perilously close to her chest and stomach! She desperately threw out metal blades in her defense but he cut them away as though swatting flies.

I could only stand still as my brain connected the dots. He’d thrown the bookshelf. 

Susie staggered against the barrels of kerosene.

Nono had climbed out from under the pile of books. “Stop! She’s not someone you can deal with!”

Zihang, expressionless, held the sword in one hand and a lighter in the other.

My eyes widened and my lungs filled with air. I would have yelled, “Don’t!” But my voice was paralyzed.

He dropped the lit lighter at Susie’s feet. Fire spread instantly around her.

I ran as fast I as I could back to Ru’Yi. While Nono was yelling. “What the hell?! Why did you do that?!”

A wall of flame rose to the ceiling. I knew the warehouse would be filled with smoke in mere seconds. Nono was already grabbing Lu Mingfei. Susie had stood to hurry towards Nono, but Chu Zihang stood between them.  My hand on the door, I watched as she asked him. 

“Who are you?!”

I sighed to myself and whispered. “He was the love of your life.” And hurried outside.

[mountphoenixrp]

We have a new citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                                Moon Ruyul, who is known by no other name;                                                  a 25 year old daughter of Odin.                                          She is the owner of It’s a Motherly Thing.

FC NAME/GROUP: Im Jinah (Nana) CHARACTER NAME: Moon Ruyul AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 25th March 1995 PLACE OF BIRTH: South Korea ; Moved to Los Angles, South California soon after birth OCCUPATION: Potion/Herb Shop Owner of IT’S A MOTHERLY THING , Mercenary HEIGHT: 171cm WEIGHT: 49kg DEFINING FEATURES: An Ankh Tattoo behind her right ear, the word Roots on the back of her left foot heel, Perseverance written on her right foot heel, Flying bird tattoos from the side of her neck up to behind her left ear (Most Recent) [ All of her tattoos are in miniature fonts, cursive for the words, and always covered by her hair, clothes or makeup], And two dog tags, one of her own and the other of her lost lover.

PERSONALITY: Gentle, Kindhearted and Altruistic—that was the character and personality that Ruyul had before the accident occurred with her and her family—but currently, she’s nothing but jaded. Still kindhearted and Compassionate, although melancholic and driven with purpose on finding her lover and reviving her child, Ruyul is too pragmatic and sceptical over some things, driven by the tragic incident that occurred to her family.

HISTORY: [TW: Brutality, Death of a Child, Burns, Blindness, Kidnapping]

Living—is the most terrible thing in the world, Ruyul thinks.

There are definitely days that are better than most—she recalls the touch of her lover’s hands against her skin, the soft hum of music, and the sound of childish laughter and the patter of young feet against hallways.

But there are days that such memories become torturous to behold.

Days—where the rain falls ceaselessly outside her window, the dust collecting upon stuffed toys and old pictures of a family of four. Twins. A girl and a boy, and a happy couple, dog tags around their necks and smiles flickering on their faces. But happiness is shortlived—as it is with all human beings. People tell her that she should be glad to look upon the happy years with her family, four years, they say, is a long time for one to be happy. But Ruyul disagrees.

Rather than a short happy moment, she would rather live out a full life with all the people she cared about, through happiness, sadness and growth.

There are times she loses herself. Why had she gone to take up that assignment again? The business of killing another is never a lucrative job, especially when one had family and loved ones to care about. Especially children.

But she did so anyway, and suffered for it.

…

(Early 2019 ; February)

She remembers the day like a clip of a movie, the pits of her stomach washed in dread, and the sound of broken glass scattered all over the floor of her apartment. Rationality—is something that autopilots her into a dissociative mode. This isn’t happening, she thinks, watching ripped stuff toys nudge her booted toes, her shirt sticking to her back as her fingers tremble, and the grip of her team’s hands against her shoulder at the blood on the floor.

It had just been an assignment, just barely a few hours ago, she had seen her children on a phonecall, bright smiles and happy laughter, the warm chuckle of her lover flooding her with appreciation and love.

Now what remained was the scattered fragments of what became of their family, and the pithole of loss that she couldn’t accept.

“Its still possible that they’re alive.” She hears the whisper of her team mates in her ears, the crunch of glass beneath their boots, and the shrill screams of the tortured man that was what that remained of the people that had taken her haven and ripped it into pieces. “We’ll find them.”

She clutches at straws, a strangled sob rising from her throat as she pulls on her team mates’ arms, desperate for reassurance.

“We must.”

….

Hope comes in tiny streams, of little things, like the sound of her daughter’s soft cries in a threatening video clip, or the sight of her son’s shoes clad upon his feet. She knows nothing of what happened to her lover—its almost as if he had disappeared into thin air, her worries for him only settling into the back of her mind to focus on the information about her children at hand.

They’re found, held captive by a group of hired men that saw no issues with making innocent lives pay for other’s mistakes. It was a mistake to bring her family with her to where she was working to Afghanistan. What was she thinking, letting those close to her linger even closer to enemies that could possibly put them in harm’s way?

The scent of burning flesh fills their nostrils as they arrive at the location where her children were held captive, dust and smoke obscuring their view. It’s the worst kind of condition that they have to work in—with her emotionally compromised. She remembers the drag of her feet, sluggish and slow, caught in a vision of a sluggish red mud that tugged her and pulled her back, her heart heavy in her chest, and bile rising on the back of her throat.

A body lingers in the wind, small and frail, and her legs give way beneath her.

Its her son—she instinctively knows it even before they take down the body, the size too small to be an adult, and flesh all burned and blistered. He chokes for a moment, lips parting for a moment as a breath rattles in his tiny lungs, and a white noise fills her ears as she watches his chest rise and fall agonisingly for a moment, then still. Her fingers are pressed against his chest, the fluttering beat of a heart no longer beating beneath them. Her lips move, breath finally whistling back into her lungs just as his own stops, and she feels her chest crack, then burn.

Kill them all, a whisper of a devil flickers in her ears, unheeding the calls of her own comrades.

Vengeance, for the ones that were lost.

….

She awakens from the darkness to blood on her hands and bodies scattered around her, and an IV in her arm. Her nose stings from being broken—but there’s no pain. Nothing, but numbness.

They can’t find her lover—her teammates tell her, her eyes distance and hands cold. But they found her daughter.

She’s blind now. She barely hears the words of a doctor as they pry away bandages from Minji’s young eyes, long lashed and unseeing. She had been injured in the eyes—why and how, Minji refused to tell.

Focus on the child you have—the psychologist tells her. Minji is alive, and that’s what matters.

But its not until she’s exhausted all her options that’s she’d give up, Ruyul thinks.

The next day, they both vanish from the hospital and the face of earth, sending others into a frenzy.

MountPhoenix is just as how she’s imagined it from the stories from her mother—tales that her mortal mother had heard from others of a place filled with miracles and people able to search for things that were unsearchable. Perhaps it was here that she could find the answers to things that she was looking for.

PANTHEON: Norse CHILD OF: Odin POWERS: Natural inclination to and talent in battle, partially due to the ability to occasionally see the outcome of their decisions; can read and learn more rapidly than the average person and are often wise far beyond their years.

From this—there is a division of Ruyul’s powers:

Berserk: The ability to explosively utilise all of her natural inclination and talent in battle at the expense of her own consciousness. She does not recall what exactly happens when this mode of her powers are triggered, and does not know what exactly triggers them. One could say that she turns into a monster on a warpath when this mode of her powers are triggered. One would be unable to reason with her or stop her, as there is only one goal at the end of the utilisation of this berserk mode, and that is to eradicate those that she perceives at enemies, though sometimes some collateral damage does occur as well, though she is entirely unconscious of it.

STRENGTHS: altruistic, warm, compassionate WEAKNESSES: vengeful, jaded, stubborn