#anyway yeah my parents are right its too cold and im too inexperienced to go overnight bushwalking alone

[alexanderpearce]

FOILED AGAIN! my ass going to strahan

skinny dipping at the alexander pearce escape point

[baby-itsa-wild-world]

Phil

I met a boy in 11th grade. Lets call him Phil. He rode my bus. He was 1 year younger than me, and a little bit shorter. He had shoulder length blonde hair and was kind of lanky. Not really my type but we got along as friends. We made eachother laugh a lot. I valued him as a friend.

My other friends started hanging around phil too. On Halloween, my friend told me that phil had a secret he was keeping from me. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that he liked me as more than a friend. I saw the way he looked at me. I was flattered but I didnt let phil know that I knew.

That evening on the bus, phil broke down and finally told me. I was excited. Part of me kinda felt like I liked him too, mainly because I was just flattered to have someone interested in me and because he had always been there for me as a friend. But like I said he wasnt really my type. He was younger than me. He got detention a lot. He was kinda immature. So I kinda just let it go.

In the following weeks I started seeing him in a different light. He had always been a good friend. I admired that he didnt give a fuck what anyone thought. I had always wanted to be like that. And he did have a certain charm about him. Maybe I did like him back after all.

We flirted back and forth for the next few months. We talked on the phone occasionally. We sat next to eachother on the bus. It was like we always were, except with flirting. I was always waiting on him to make a move.

Around valentines day Phil was on myspace talking about a girl named "lily". He was talking about how lily had stayed a few nights at his house and was watching horror movies with him. I thought to myself, what the fuck?? I thought he liked me. What was he doing with other girls? I got pissed. I messaged him on myspace, not angry or anything, but just casually asked what he was doing. He said that he and lily were going to the movies. I said cool, I had been wanting to go to the movies myself to see something (probably the new twilight movie if you want me to be honest). And then he messaged back: sorry, its just going to be me and lily. I was like FIRST OF all, I was not asking to come along with you guys. I was so fucking pissed. I couldnt believe he thought I wanted to intrude on their stupid little date. But inside i was boiling with jealousy. It was valentines day and I decided that love was a big lie and I was done with it forever.

I started acting distant towards him. He finally asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. I was being stubborn as hell. He kept trying to pry an answer out of me, and I finally told him, I LIKED you. Dumbass. And he looked at me with shock. He said he didnt know that I felt the same way. And he was sorry about hurting my feelings with lily. I fell right back into it again. I couldnt be mad at him for long.

We talked on the phone every night after that. Every waking moment that we weren't at school together we would talk on the phone all hours of the night. My parents got pretty pissed about it because I had never been the boy crazy type. I was all about school, grades, friends. They didnt like this side of me, but they couldnt tell me anything. I was already head over heels. We talked about hopes, dreams, wishes. He wanted to either go in the army after school or go far far away across the country. I admired his ambition.

It was march. We were talking on the phone one night and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. I was blushing so fucking hard it probably would have been super embarassing in person. But I prepared myself the next day. We held hands on the bus, in between classes. The calls at night just kept getting longer. He knew I was really inexperienced with guys. I had never even kissed a boy. He said he wanted to give me my first kiss.

The next day, as he was walking me to 1st period, he gave me a quick peck on the lips. It didnt really feel like anything. It didnt blow me away or anything like that. It was kind of underwhelming. But I reached a new point in my life. I just got my first kiss.

It seemed like phil always wanted more and more. He wanted me to come over to his house. My mom never let me, not because she didnt trust me but because she was always funny about me going to other peoples houses. His parents were divorced and to be honest his dad didnt really watch him that well. He kind of let him do whatever. My parents were a lot more old fashioned.

It wasnt long before phil started talking about sex. I really, really, really did not want to go into this with him. But I was afraid that if I didn't at least talk to him about it I would lose him, and I would be such a loser for that. I was 16. I knew plenty of kids my age who had sex. It wasnt a big deal to a lot of people. But it was to me. I always wanted it to be special. It was kind of a scary subject to me. I knew that you could get pregnant, get diseases, anything could happen. But talking about it wouldnt do any harm, right?

He knew my parents were strict, so he suggested maybe I skip school with him or go to the library and mess around. Even the idea of that made my blood run cold. But I would be like, "haha yeah maybe." I hate myself for being so fucking stupid. I should have just said no and that I wasnt ready.

I finally convinced my parents to let him come over. He could come in my room to watch a movie but we had to leave the door open. We watched the notebook. We made out for most of it. Even with the door open. I couldnt believe the fucking nerve of myself. But I would have done it if it meant keeping him. But I drew the line at anything sexual. I finally told him I wasnt ready and he seemed to accept it.

After he left, my parents sat me down and said that he was nice, but they wanted better for me. They said he was too immature. That he wasnt meant for me. I kind of tried to brush them off but looking back on it I knew in my heart that it was true. But I would have never admitted it to myself.

He came over a couple of weeks later to help my dad do some yard work. By now, we were saying i love you to eachother and talking about how we would get married one day. I know that sounds crazy because we were so young but I just wanted so badly just to have someone, even if I didnt agree with everything he said or did. I had never had a serious boyfriend before and I wasnt about to fuck it up.

Anyways, after the yard work my parents took me and him out to eat at a nice restaurant. He held my hand on the ride there and said to me, you see your mom and dad? I want us to be like them when we grow up. They are the perfect man and wife. And I just smiled. My mom and dad were my role models. I valued and cherished them so much. I knew they wanted whatever would make me happy even if they didnt agree. That meant so much to me. And I knew that phil had a broken home life. And I thought maybe I was helping him in a way by letting him around my family so maybe he could have sort of a family of his own to talk to and that would be there for him.

Phil came over one more time. We ate dinner and watched the dvd, bloody mary. We snuggled on the couch. My mom was in the room over. He kept trying to get me to come closer and fool around with him but I wouldnt do it. I could never do something like that under my parents roof while they were IN the HOUSE!! I told him maybe if we had some time to ourselves sometime. I kept pushing sex and fooling around off. I was not ready at all. Im glad I stood my ground on that. Even though I didnt stand for much else.

Phil started becoming distant a little. He went on hiking trips with his friends on the weekends. He was really outdoorsy and I was more of the bookish type. I still am. He wouldnt hold my hand as much in between classes. The phone calls were few and far between. I became a fucking wreck.

I had no idea what I did wrong. Was it because I wouldnt let him get in my pants? I felt like I was still a kid. I wasnt ready. And besides, he said we would get married. And I thought we would have the rest of our lives for all that kind of stuff...right?

I would try to talk to him about it but he would shut me down. I tried to reason with him. I could fix this. I wanted to. I didnt want to lose my first real boyfriend.

My friends really became my support. They told me that he was using me and I needed to let him go before he hurt me worse. It was Saturday. I decided that on Monday at school I would break up with him. I never got a chance.

Sunday I got a text. It was from Phil. It said that he didnt want to be together anymore. That he tried too long to make it work and it just wasnt going anywhere. Our hobbies were so different. We were in two different worlds. He thought I could be worth his time, but I just wasnt. Thats literally the words he said to me.

I called my friend and bawled. That was the lowest I had ever felt.

The next day at school it was like phil and I never happened. He sat on the other side of the bus. He spent lunch with his friends at a different table. All I did for a week was lay my head down and cry. At lunch. In class. At home.

I was an emotional wreck. He really broke my heart. I had always had problems with my self esteem and he truly confirmed to me that I wasnt shit. I wasnt worth anyones time. That everyone deserved better.

This led to somewhat of an epiphany. I decided I wasnt good enough for anyone. I would stop feeling altogether. I wouldnt let myself get hurt again. I couldnt open up my heart only to have it smashed. I tried so hard to make something work, and then I ended up getting burned in the end.

And he continued with his life. Got a girlfriend right after that. And bragged about their sex life on myspace. I was absolutely devastated. And it showed in my life. My mom became worried about me. I stopped caring about school. I just wanted to come home and cry.

My sadness wasnt necessarily about just losing phil. It was because I came to feel like I could never truly be loved. When youre 17 and someone tells you that you are not worth it, it really fucks with your head. I descended down a downward spiral.

I wrote depressing poetry. I stopped putting on makeup and cute clothes. My mom made an appointment with my doctor. She asked if I cried a lot. I said yes. She asked if I felt hopeless. I said yes. I went home with a brand new prescription to zoloft. Something I had probably always needed. But the event itself triggered that depression and manifested it into a monster.

But, its true what they say when they say that time heals. It doesnt erase the hurt or the memories but it heals. I moved on with my life too. I focused on school again. Hung out with friends. All of it led to a better life. I believe that I couldn't have reached that if it werent for phil.

Phil made me feel low. He tried to convince me to do things I didn't want to do. And then he made me feel like a lesser person because I didn't want to do it. And for a long time I tolerated it. But I'm not that girl anymore. If someone doesnt like me, that is their fault, not mine. I will no longer try to mold myself into what others want me to be. Phil made me stronger, even though he broke my heart into a million little pieces. But I put them back together and i healed. And I thank phil for helping me build that broken path that led me to a brighter future.