#anyway who wants to bet its bpd

[that1notetaker]

My mom: You gotta clean your room Me: Feels the most rage to ever have raged

[boxbugdotcom]

I TOLD you all my last post wouldn't be the last I rambled about the Buttercubs band AU. I wanna talk about some of the characters more because they will NOT leave my brain !!!! (As I mentioned, this isn't just my AU, fellow creators will be tagged at the bottom)

Specifically I wanna talk about Doc. I mentioned him briefly last post, and even though this AU focuses mainly on the Buttercubs, a LOT (if not all) of the side characters have their own storylines and arcs and are just generally all fleshed out really well. I won't list all of the characters here lol, mainly because there's a lot and more might be added as time goes, plus I've got a big ol' google doc I'm working on organizing, but a character list will be made eventually!!

Anyways. Doc. In this, as mentioned, Doc is a goat/creeper hybrid. One of his arms is mechanical and so is, like, most of the left half of his face. He's also SCARILY tall, coming in at like, 7 feet tall, about. He's got sharp canines and he's hard to read and he's just weird. He doesn't know how to express emotions well, he has bad tone control, he has a hard time being vulnerable. Most of this comes from just.... being how he is. The world isn't kind to different things, especially when that thing was born with sharp teeth and horns. Maybe in subtle ways, maybe in obvious ways, the world has always reminded Doc that he's not like them. He's different and Other, even when he was a kid and he wasn't half machine he was still odd. He made creeper sounds when upset, he gnawed on things that he shouldn't have (cans, wood, cloth, etc. He IS part goat, after all), he stared and smiled with all his teeth. My point is, he's spent nearly all his life being Othered, and then suddenly he's half machine, and it all gets worse, because he's not Human (that's been made abundantly clear to him), he's not Machine, he's some ugly mix of the two that people only call monsterous. And maybe he's fine with it, or he tells himself he is, because he's acted okay with it for this long- he even leans into it a LOT.

But that's so distinctly not what Doc wants. Sure, he doesn't get bothered when someone says it, but late at night, in the moments he won't tell anyone about, he does wish he could just be... soft. It's all he wants; Doc isn't scared of murderers or ghosts or anything ordinary quite as much as he's scared of how badly he wants to be soft. And, if you remember, I mentioned that he and Grian dated for a few months while they were in Uni (which I could make a whole post about that era on its own). And it wasn't... great... for them, to say the least. Not that they were abusive or anything like that! They just both had undiagnosed/untreated bpd and that heavily influenced the relationship. Doc wanted (still wants) something steady and strong and stable and gentle and domestic, he wants his love to feel slow and warm and dependable. But he'd never gotten that, so this was brand-new to him and he had no frame of reference. Grian, at the time, was going through hell and back because of his family, and the only two things keeping him even remotely stable/grounded was Mumbo (because Mumbo was always going to be there for Grian, no matter what) and Uni, and Grian was clingy and needy because all of the love he had experience in the past was ripped away. And then Grian met Doc, someone who matched his intense energy, and they collieded in a firey explosion of messy emotions and unhealthy attachments. Grian would collapse, sobbing, into Doc's arms, tearing into him with claws because that's the only way Grian felt secure, and Doc would hold on tight and talk him down despite the nagging feeling that this wasn't right. And Grian's avoidant-attachment issues were acting up, so all he could do was hold Doc's hand and keep him at arms length. And when it finally ends, Doc never blames Grian, and it all goes inward, and he sits there and he wonders if, maybe, if he'd been different, if he'd been anyone else, if he'd been better, maybe it would have turned out okay. Maybe that was what love was supposed to be like! This was all Doc had experienced in the way of love, so maybe it was all like this, this was all he could get, this was the best it ever got.

That was years ago. Now, they're both doing well for themselves- better, anyways. As well as they can be, of course. Grian's with his band, and Doc... well, Doc sort of stopped looking for anything after Uni. He focused on his redstone, his music, anything other than what happened and finding something better. He and Grian are still friends, they're close, Doc is friends with all the Buttercubs at this point. Then, Doc meets Ren. He's not sure when, or how. He just knows that there was life before Ren, then life with Ren. He can't remember the in-between period. And Ren is made of soft ears and hands and he's social and kind and funny and interesting. And Doc... well, he's Doc, he's made of sharp teeth and claws and horns and it doesn't matter that Ren wiggled his way into Doc's heart like it was nothing, because what's the point of doing anything about his little crush? He only borught it up at all because Grian pushed him to. And! Ren feels the same! And Doc wants, more than anything, he wants to make this work. It's about someone who's been told they're a monster all their life, who's begun to lean into it because if the world will flinch when you smile then why try and fight it? It's about the monster meeting someone who's not scared, who should be scared because everyone else has always been, but they are not and they see the world in this person. It's about soft paws holding deadly claws and realizing that the paws have claws too. It's about realizing that if someone like this, someone as beautiful as this can love you as you are, then maybe it doesn't matter what the world has thought. It's about finding someone who has sharp teeth and doesn't flinch when you smile.

(fellow au creators: @las--nevadas @pndrax)

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

It wasn’t even a cardiologist who prescribed them to me either!!! In theory they were supposed to be a safe bet because they had been prescribed to me in the past (for social anxiety,, by a psychiatrist who didn’t gaf abt me,,, & I never even really took them).

But that was before I found out they could cause hallucinations!!!! And sometimes??? something else called Toxic Psychosis???????? Don’t know what the FUCK that is!!!!

I’m also still supposed to see a cardiologist and get one of those 24/7 halter monitors, but I just keep putting it off.

(It’s bad I know - but I gotta call and make an appointment and then drive across town to MAYBE get the fuckin thing)

Also Metoprolol is another one that is known to more commonly cause hallucinations and stuff too, since both Metoprolol and Propranolol are both lipophilic agents.

| Metoprolol 🤝Propranolol |

Psychological warfare

This covers it better/goes into it more ->

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7292560/#:~:text=The%20phenomena%20of%20nightmares%20and,monoamine%20and%20metabolite%20of%20serotonin).

- 💛

YOWHAT my first peracription for propanolol was ALSO for anxiety, ALSO by a psychiatrist who didnt gaf abt me!!! i told the story a while back but she treated me like i was [SLUR REDACTED] once she pegged me as autistic and tried to UNdiagnose me with aspd and diagnose me with bpd. the SECOND TIME SHE SAW ME!!! like its clear she just thought i had bpd bc i was autistic and traumatized and she saw me as a woman and That's The Traumatized Girl One!

do i aktually have bpd? iunno, i cant trust these cucks!!! i do have some traits of it tho nglllll but just traits teehee. funny enuf i had an oc back in 2018, way before my diagnoses, who had aspd/npd with bpd traits. what in the foreshadowing

ANYWAY toxic psychosis sounds like some new buzzword the narc abuse people made up. i am afraid to know what it ACTUALLY is bexause it sounds really very not good

GO SEE THE HEART DOCTOR!!! the sooner u get ir it done the sooner its OVER WITH!!! also if u get the kind that sticks to ur chest, tape it down when u sleep or wear a REALLY tight shirt, otherwise itll peel in the morning. like the tape tjar keeps it on u yk. tell then ur having CHEST PAIN. doctors donf fuck around with chesr pain. if u can somehow trigger a heart episode in urself that would also be poggers. anything to get them to listen but yeah say u have CHEST PAIN and u can feel ur heart beating in ur chest. worked for me!!!

also ty for the studuy!! ill read it 2morrow and make sure to NOT get metoprolol cuz ion want a repeat of the SAME ASS PROBLEM or worse.......a worse peoblem

[starcrossbleeding]

Its been so good talking with you and things going so well. I wont lie im so scared this is just the honey moon fase again.

I still cant get past the thought that you fucked someone else. Whats going through my head is as much as i want you physically, more than anyone else ever. I dont want you to touch me, how am i supposed to know u arent thinking of her when we fuck. I dont think you cheated in any way so that kind of trust isnt broken. I duno it just makes me feel sick at the thought that you probly enjoyed sleeping with her more. Shes more attractive and probly made you feel better. I dont think that i wont be able to get past this. Its just right now its really fucking me up. Playing with my head alot. Im gonna talk to my psych about it. She already knows about us talking again, i didnt want to tell you but she is worried because of how mentaly unstable you are and with me needing to focus on myself. But im still putting myself first still and i always will. I still said i wanted to help you with your recovery tho.

Im trying. I really am. All i want to do is run into your arms and just feel safe. But sometimes i want to punch you in the face for fucking someone else. You couldnt keep it in your pants long enough for me to get there. What else wont you wait for?! My anger comes in waves and when im alone. Its at its worse. I want to go off and smash my fists into a wall. But then i think about your mind and where it goes and how bad your bpd is. But fuck i cant stand the thought that you ended it with us a month before i was coming to visit. Then you break it off completely before i was meant to move then YOU say u cant wait so u fuck some other bitch.

Who is legit a better version of me. Eb manager and i bet she listens to the same music as u. Likes scarey movies. Better looking. Has a kid. What more?

So what. Why come back to me?

Anyway. This hurts and i just needed to empty my head and thoughts. Its legit 12:30 in the morning

[beizhuo]

alright folks , i made this post last night about amending my carrd rules . & now , after calming somewhat down from getting sick to my stomach about it , i must now make one final update post about this to make people really & fully understand where i stand . why ? because i am , once again , having / needing to finely comb through the people i want to follow & interact with due to some very , VERY toxic behavior & terrible , childish individuals that think its real cute to stalk , harrass , steal , & gatekeep folks . 

understand that i will NOT be namedropping anybody in this post . this is not my intention . i am not out here to isolate folks or make people ‘ chose sides ’ . making people do that is absolutely horrible ! i do not give a damn who other people interact with . i do , however have extreme issues with theft ( amongst other things ) . i can draw a god damn line at theft ! 

harassment ? don’t care . you’re trolling , i can ignore you . gatekeeping . you’e petty and attention seeking im here for friends anyway . but actual literal theft - i can draw a line there . please get out & OFF MY BLOG if you are so unoriginal that you haveta steal from me or my friends !

please know that you can interact with those thieves & gatekeepers , i don’t care ! but understand that i will most likely softblock you because i genuinely do not want them to find me . no hard feelings . ( they have found my other 2 blogs , and i am tired of them finding me ! especially for baizhu ! i don’t even follow some of my friends here cause of this ! ) i am not even in the genshin community to begin with . my group ? we don’t do communities for toxic behavior and people being so exclusive to the point of driving people out & away . its distasteful and mean ! do you know that i have some friends that were cut off from communities entirely all because they were a dupe ? tHAT is the kind of dupe drama i fucking hate . along with theft . anyway . i will start from the beginning of my rules that i deem important .

DUPLICATES . ( AND MIMICRY / THEFT )

the irony that this is the first point . it is like it was a wonderful transition . anyway . this is actually having to deal with two rule points . and i want to group them together cause they are related .

myself & a few other people have come to find out that .... there is somebody AT THE VERY LEAST taking inspo from us . i will start with dupes .

my friend has a character and was WHOLLY mistaken for another mun . which is fine . that happens , but things took a turn for the worse when they were then shunned / cut off because they werent ‘ good enough ’ . do you know how HORRIBLE that is ? to be told that you aren’t good because you weren’t the mun that they wanted ? this is the type of shit i cannot stand with dupe drama . DO NOT EVER COMPARE DUPES WITH ONE ANOTHER !!! i mean it . 

i follow different childes ! and you know what i adore them both . they are both amazing ! 

sure i may have my mains / exclusives ( and im not inclined to interact with other blogs of that same character ) but i still like portrayals . i do , in fact , just READ threads sometimes . i don’t necessarily follow for interactions . like ffs man . i like variety . jesus christ .

going to mimicry / theft . you know ... i have fucking seen this with a couple of friends . there is a difference between coincidental similarities , however ! for myself & for my friends , we have SEEN inspo taken from us . im gonna say this really loud for people .

MIMICRY IS NOT FUCKING FLATTERY . 

do not take inspo from me . especially without credit . absolutely do NOT do it . you are very unoriginal for doing that shit . 

now , you like something i make / made ? you are inspired to want to make something ? fine , that’s okay , you can ALSO fucking ask me , you can also credit me . as you fucking should ! you can notify me and go , damn , i really like your style , do you mind if i use it in xyz ? sure , go right ahead . do it . im begging you , go ahead and do it IF YOU FUCKING ASK ME . god im so fucking angry about this , but this is some vile shit . and im angry .

i am angry and terrified cause i literally cannot get away from these people cause they seem to be wherever i go . i DO NOT DO COMMUNITIES BECAUSE OF THIS .

as a good friend said : it’s like they are a virus that you cannot get rid of .

thats what happens with attention seekers unfortunately , but for the sake of my safety & health , i will not have it on my blog or dash . if i see these people on my dash often , i will unfollow .

and it isn’t like a specific person , its a GROUP of people . which leads me to my next point .

DRAMA / CALLOUTS.

imagine having beef with an individual , and then going around and gatekeeping that individual and getting people to unfollow / block them . im not talking about , ‘ hey this person is vile because they ship incest ’ . i am talking about ‘ i had a disagreement with this person & they hurt my feelings >:/ they are mean and will hurt you . etc etc etc . ’ 

i do not give a flying fuck about somebodies issues with another person . so you guys don’t get along . not my problem . i have people that hate me . i have friends where i hate their friends . shit happens . i am probably absolute scum to some people lol . i get mistaken for other people sometimes . it’s fine , hate me cause you think im that person . that person is snowflake repellent anyway , go choke on your kool aide that you are drinking ig . 

okay sorry i am angry but still . people claim and cry about wanting to talk & communicate . but then . guess what . sometimes shitty people are like , so this person said this to me , and they are mean . IF YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT GOES ‘ OH MY GOD HOW DARE THEY ’ AND BLOCK THEM THEN YOU ARE THE PROBLEM . i will give an example . of using my two names that i have .

somebody goes to amphy and says ‘omg ghost said this , and im frustrated and angry with them cause what he said was uncalled for . ’ if amphy goes ‘ omg ghost is shitty ’ and then unfollows / blocks them without any other discussion , then thats an issue cause ghost has no idea wtf happen . amphy got involved in YOUR relationship with ghost even though ghost has been nothing but kind and sweet to you . you also don’t know if amphy is just victimising or being emotional either . so why they fuck would you believe somebody who is venting to you about it and then block somebody who did literally NOTHING to you .

i dont know if i explained that correctly but i will give you something more realistic , again without namedropping .

i have a few friends that hate one another . i’ve known all of them for years . but they all , i kid you not , they ALL fucking hate each other . there’s three of them . and they cannot stand each other . i just happen to be somebody who gets along with all of them . you bet your ass that at one point , they all came to talk mad shit about the others . what did i do ? i went , oh okay . well im sorry that you have issues with them . sounds like a bad experience , but i can’t do anything about that cause i am not you and i am not them . if you are gonna change my mind , it isn’t gonna happen , sorry !

i have had people shit talk people i have no idea who they are , and i just sit here just being a source for them to vent , but i never NEVER EVER act on anything i hear . why ? cause its petty drama and gossip . if you do that , then damn , sorry kiddo , get some help on that alright ? maybe be nicer . i dunno .

now . racism ? pedophilia ? incest ? HARMFUL SHIT ? that’s different . but again , theres a lot of miscommunication . i have people coming and pulling the cards like they are hot shit  and that isn’t fucking cute . THAT ISN’T CUTE GUYS . you are the problem if you try to victimize yourself cause of something YOU misinterpreted .

i have a friend that has this on their blog .

i am literally going off on a god damn tangent . anyway . :) 

fuck you if drink kool aide .

THERE ARE OTHER MENTAL DISORDERS! YOU ARE ABLEIST IS YOU ERASE THE OTHER (UN)COMMON ONES.

i know that autism is the ‘common’ one here . you are valid okay . but guess what . ADHD , BPD, DiD, and straight up depression and anxiety are also things as well ! there are MANY folks here that are also undiagnosed as well OR they lay on some sort of spectrum as well . I am once again not going to disclose my own things here cause again THAT IS PRIVATE INFO , but fuck you if you refuse to see other disabilities .

also there are physical disabilities as well btw .

if you are not understanding of any other disability , or you wanna mute / deafen other mental disorders , YOU ARE THE FUCKING PROBLEM .

end of story . 

treat other people how you want them to treat you and don’t you dare ever shove your baggage at them . thanks . 

please be more understanding that some people are not okay:tm: . 

i implore you to get help if you need help , but sometimes some people dont have to take your shit . and they most certainly do not need to sit and take your issues if they are not okay either . its toxic and very unhealthy behavior to expect others to help you . they can help you as best as they can , but you need to understand that everybody has their moments . do not guilttrip them . do not gaslight them . 

but also understand that sometimes , people are saying things cause they genuinely need help ! you can be there for them but as a friend , you need to also tell them your own boundaries as well and tell them that they need to seek professional help .

but also , if somebody refuses to get help , then that is on them . not on you . 

anyway another tangent , but back to the point . autism , while you need to understand is something you need to see and understand , is not the only mental disorder ! and you need to understand that some people suffer from really REALLY shitty things and are sometimes undiagnosed . i am really REALLY tired of depression , ADHD , BPD, and DiD getting brushed under the rug like they are not important . cause guess what , there are spectrums ! all mental health is important . fuck you if you disregard the other disorders , you are being ableist .

STOP HATE READING PEOPLE.

im really sick and tired of this . you don’t like something somebody said ? you can either : ask what they meant or block / unfollow them . 

DO NOT FUCKING STALK THEM EITHER . 

you have an obsession if you hover on their blog too .. do not do that . that is SO unhealthy for you . here is what a friend said on twitter . ( not name dropping them , just copy pasting them )

❛ i stg people need to fine a better hobby than to hate read a persons blog or profile. not a good look on you when you go and read what they post about just to get angry at something you think they said and then you go off spewing lies about it cause 'youre offended.'  

like you already hate them in the first place. you weren’t 'looking to see if they were a better person.' youre just looking to find another thing to hate about them. 

that is what hate reading is about. so you can read their posts and find just another reason to hate and laugh at how bad you think they are.

but it doesnt make you a better person. it just makes you a sad person with no life. stop hate reading people. grow tf up. go breathe on some plants or something idk.

i say this very loud and clear . if you hate read me , i live in your head rent free . not my problem . but it does become my problem if you begin to steal shit and start spewing lies about myself or my friends . grow up and move on with your life . sorry my life seems more interesting than you ig . idk .

anway this got long , and at this point i am going off on a tangent but !!!!

TL ; DR

read my rules ig . idk .

you can dm me for more info if you want . at this point i have blocked the problem blogs for myself. if you are curious you can ask . HOWEVER. i am not going to tell you to block or unfollow . why ? cause at the end of the day , it is MY beef . this are my issues . i am NOT here to gatekeep .

i will say that i will tell you IN private the for MY story . but keep in mind that it is MY story . not yours . not theirs . it is all about perception .

my perception is that they are scummy gatekeeping thieves . they gatekeep the people they dont like or are intimidated by . i am somebody who fucking bites and calls people out on their shit , because of this ? i make enemies . but my enemies are not yours . i dont care .  dont give a damn . i am intimidating to people who are cowards and i don’t care . 

if they feel bad when i call them out , if they try to go around and do damage control , then that means they are guilty .

and then you can ask yourself this : why are they reacting like that ?

i am once again going to bring up that other twitter user that i quoted before .

❛  you dont like hearing that because someone is holding a mirror up to you and it makes you uncomfortable because you know you . and you know the parts of you that are good . so in your heart you have to come up with a narrative that makes you feel better about the fact that somebody is asking your to confront the parts about yourself that you hate the most .

anyway . this got long . im so sorry for the long read . im so sorry i sounded hostile ad angry . im just volatile sometimes . im just really tired . and i dont need to come on this blog and have a panic attack . 

anyway . cheers loves ! stay happy , stay healthy . drink your fluids . take your meds !

[minddimin]

book I’m writing

“Wake up Ella!” my mother calls up to my room, I groan and rub my eyes. I look at the clock and it reads 8:00 a.m. Darn it I’m going to be late to work again. I’m only sixteen but I have a really good job at the pet store and I’m attending a private school but I don’t go there until the afternoon. I haven’t really been looking forward to anything lately.  I have two best friends, their names are Becca and Zoey and they are really fun to hang out with. We make fun of the boys in our school and laugh at the popular girls. We live in the town of Weston and I guess it’s an alright town. It’s pretty small town and I like it, it’s pretty cozy. We all get together at Christmas at the Community Centre and exchange gifts to whomever we are closest with. Recently I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I see a psychiatrist in the next town over, I haven’t told my friends but I think they know because I’ve been acting kind of off lately. I don’t want to tell them because I feel they might not look at me the same again and they’ll treat me differently. I don’t want them to do that, and what if the whole school overhears me tell them. I’ll be the school joke and that would be chaotic. I’ve been feeling weird with the medications, I’m bloated and I eat a lot now. I’m extremely thirsty. My mom says it’s good to drink water. I like drinking water though. So I better get off to work before I’m late.  I walk through the doors and smile at my co-workers and my boss. I put on my work gear and head to work. Emma Hastley, she’s a popular girl, and she walks to the cat food section. She ponders at a few, and I take a deep breath and walk over. I ask her, “Do you need any help?” she looks up and smiles, “Hi Ella, how are you today?” Luckily she’s one of the nice popular girls. “I’m fine thanks, how are you? That brand is good.” I say pointing to the cat food next to her, smiling. “Oh that’s really great to hear, I’m doing great thanks. Are you going to Max Austin’s party this weekend?” She says picking up the cat food I pointed out and begins walking to the till. “Mm. I’m not sure, maybe.” I say shoving my hands in my pockets. “Oh okay, well hope to see you there. I haven’t seen you at a party in months!” she said handing her money, I take out the change and hand it to her.  “I’ll sure think about it, maybe I’ll surprise everybody.” I sign out of work and head to school. I walk through the woods and the woods open up to the back of the school. I see all the classmates that are waiting outside the school and I groan. Why does there have to be so much people here? I walk through the crowd and see my two friends Becca and Zoey, “Hi guys. I’m sorry I’m late. I got off work late and woke up late. So that’s my reason for being late, what did I miss?” “Oh Ella!” they both exclaim, “we missed you, where have you been?!  We haven’t seen you all weekend. We thought for sure you’d be at Joel’s party!” I look at the ground and rub my foot into the ground. “I’ve been really busy. I had to go out of town to do some grocery shopping.” Well that isn’t a total lie. I did have an appointment with my psychiatrist and mom and I made it a girls’ day. We went to the salon and got manicures and pedicures. And we did do grocery shopping, so I wasn’t making things up. “I totally wanted to be there though!” I lied. I recently started to hate the parties and going out every weekend. I would’ve wanted to stay home and do girly things in my room and read magazines and talk about boys we liked. But that is totally grade eight. Nobody is into that anymore. I lost interest in many things, I don’t do soccer anymore. I miss the way my life used to be but nothing is interesting enough for me. I tried to get into Track and Field last month but I dropped out and my parents weren’t impressed because they paid to get me into it. Another thing I failed at. I am sitting in English class, and I am bored out of my mind. English isn’t a class I’m really good at. I’m flawless at Math though and that makes it my favorite subject. I doodle a picture of the teacher in my notebook, and he walks by, picking up my notebook and looking at it. “Well Ella, this is a really nice picture but you should be taking notes.” The class laughs, and I turn red in embarrassment. Why did he have to point me out? So embarrassing! I look behind me and see Lindsay Williams and Lacy Munro whispering and passing a note to Tony Adelaide and he opens it, and smirks. He looks up at me, and grins. I quickly look away and I hear the whispers, so I look at the back of the class and see people quickly look away as they notice me staring at them. The note is passed around the class and it eventually makes its way to me, and I open it and it says. “Ella is so weird. Bet she has a crush on the teacher.” I look down at my desk and sit there in silence as the whispers continue. I turn red, and I get up and walk out of the classroom. Mr. Andrews calls after me but I ignore him, I walk into the girls’ bathroom and sit on the floor in one of the stalls. I don’t understand the point of my life, I write in my notebook as I cry. I leave the school and start walking home, taking the same route I did this afternoon. I wipe the tear that rolled down my cheek, and take a deep breath. In and out, just like Dr. Stephens taught me. I enter my home and go up to my bedroom, I pull out my favorite book; two girls staring at the ceiling by Lucy Frank and put on some headphones. I put the music to Kim Taylor- Lost and Found. I read a couple chapters and I put the book down, and sit at my desk, trying to do some homework from the night before. I sigh, and look out the window. I see my parents pull up and I go to my bed and pretend to be asleep. “Ella!” they call up to my bedroom, and I hear their footsteps approach. They open my bedroom door and peek in, my mother Alice comes in and my father David puts a blanket over me, and my mother smooths the blanket and kisses my forehead. My parents are so loving, I think, I don’t deserve them… I could’ve been something better for them. I could’ve been a better daughter with good grades and many skills. But I’m not. My father smooths my hair, “we’ll talk to her later… let her sleep.” They leave my room and close the door, I sigh. Slowly opening my eyes, I turn onto my back and look at the ceiling. I wonder what they want to talk to me about, probably about leaving school. Darn it, I forgot my backpack at school too. I “wake up” and walk to the bathroom, closing the door and close the door. I start taking off my clothes and turn on the shower. I like the water hot and then cold. I dry off and put some comfy clothes on. I walk downstairs and enter the kitchen. My mother stands by the oven putting in a roast with potatoes and vegetables. “Looks fantastic mom,” I say. She smiles and calls over my father. “We want to talk to you about what happened at school today sweetie, why’d you walk out of school? Your teachers are worried, and so are we. Are you feeling okay? Do we need to try a different med-“ I interrupt them “Mom, dad. Enough, I’m okay. I swear. It’s just… I needed to come home because I felt ill. We don’t have to try a different medication. I’m okay. It’s just the flu or something.” They nod their heads and look down. “We know it’s something more sweetie, you don’t have to hide anything from us. We hope you know that. We won’t bug you anymore, but if there’s something wrong just tell us, okay?” I nod. “Yeah, Mom and Dad, I’ll tell you.” I say as I retreat upstairs, and go into my room. I sit down at my desk and take out my drawing book, and sketch a few pictures. I grab my laptop and go to my bed, and scroll through Tumblr. I look at the pictures of the people cutting and quotes about suicide and depression and what it’s like having BPD. I look at my pencil sharpener and I feel the urge to take the blades out. You’re thinking irrationally Ella, you won’t do that. Who the hell would? Many people cope well with this disorder. I think to myself. I take a deep breath and re-post a picture I seen. I sigh again, “Ella! Dinner’s ready!” my mother calls to me. “I’m coming mom!” I yell at her, and close my laptop. I walk down the steps and sit at my usual spot, my mother sets everything on the table and she asks “do you want some vegetables sweetie?” I shrug, “maybe only a little bit. I’m not really hungry.” My father looks at my mother, “are you sure you’re feeling okay sweetie? You’re usually hungry by the time we’re home.” I nod. I take a bite of my food and thank my mom. “Thanks for supper mom, I really appreciate it.” I smile to show them that I’m okay. “No problem sweetie, I like for you to have a nice supper to keep that body of yours healthy.” They think that I’ve been mentally ill since the age of thirteen. I mean I thought I was going through some normal teenage emotions and changes. But it turns out I have two mental illnesses and that’s not a great thing to find out, I’m totally embarrassed. I hear about the stigma surrounding BPD and I don’t like what people have to say about it. People make it seem like having a mental illness is bad, and I guess in a way it is. You lose interest in things, you’re constantly in bed, and bored out of your mind but you can’t bring yourself to do anything fun because you won’t like it anyway. There isn’t much keeping me here now, I often think of death but I’m too afraid to die. I mean, why am I having these thoughts lately? Maybe the medication is making me feel this way, I should stop taking them. I’m in my bedroom, listening to music with my headphones on and lying in bed looking up at the ceiling, in the dark. I’m mouthing along to the words and it seems okay. But I have learned not to hope so much that things are going good, because once I start thinking that things are going to be okay they turn to shit. I’m tired of the constant shift in my emotions. It’s exhausting to be this way all the time. I better get to bed. I have school in the morning. Friday’s you go to school in the morning, and the rest of the week is in the afternoons. I’m not sure I mentioned that. I quickly fall asleep while listening to Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey. I wake up to the sun shining through the blinds on my window, I groan. I look at the time and it reads 6:00 a.m. I get up and brush my hair, quickly throwing it into a French braid. I go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and put on some make up, doing this routine is so hard every day. It’s a simple routine, but it gets annoying when you’re depressed because you’d rather be lying in bed. My life wasn’t always this way, it was simple. I remember some happy moments from when I was twelve, my birthday party was amazing. We had a bouncy castle and Lacy was my best friend in Elementary School. I loved frogs and bugs, while Lacy loved Barbie, so I guess that’s why we grew apart. We just don’t have the same interests, but now I am a girl just living in an ordinary town with two best friends and the perfect parents. But I seem to be the problem, I don’t know why I have these thoughts but I have them and it’s so difficult to deal with. I looked my illness up and it said we have different perceptions of ourselves. That we think lowly of ourselves, and we have suicidal thoughts and we can act on them and be impulsive. I’m completely terrified of what I might do. I think I’ll have to go into the hospital because I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage on my own, it’s getting harder to manage my emotions and these medications don’t seem to be working. I have to talk to my parents before I do something… I close my diary and close my eyes, and I take a deep breath trying to manage my emotions. Cool off and slow my thoughts. I go into my parents’ bedroom and crawl into bed with them, my mother wakes up and she wraps her arms around me. My father wakes up and smiles, tucking my hair behind my ear. I start to cry and they look at me with concerned faces. They ask, “Ella, what’s the matter?” I take a deep breath in and continue crying, my mother gets tears in her face. My father holds me, and my mother holds my hand, “Mom, Dad. I’ve been thinking – thinking that I might kill myself.” My mother starts to cry and so does my father. We lay like that for a while, just holding each other and they thank me for telling them. They tell me that we’re going to get through things together and that they’ll get me the help they need no matter how much it may cost. “Ella, your life is precious to us and we love you so much, let’s go to the hospital.” I nod and go to my room to pack my things, we get in the car and we start the two hour drive to six towns later, which reveal a big city. Two hours later, we arrive at the hospital and we check in with the nurses. They immediately call me back and the doctor comes in with a concerned face, and he introduces himself. “Hi Ella, my name is Doctor Richardson. Nice to meet you, I want to say thank you for coming in today. You’re so brave.” I shake his hand and nod, trying to contain my emotions as he utters those words. “Why don’t we talk about what brought these feelings on lately?” My tears flow out of me like a river dam that burst and I say through my crying, “I was recently diagnosed by my psychiatrist with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression, and I guess all that and the emotions I get and the thoughts that associate with the illnesses just got to me. I came in today so I wouldn’t hurt myself because I don’t want to die, I want to live my life happily but lately I’m not happy. I dropped out of so many things that I enjoyed, I was going to be my class Valedictorian but then my grades dropped because I couldn’t get myself out of bed. I just recently started going back to school, and now. I can’t even bring myself to school because there are kids passing notes about me because I was drawing a picture of the teacher and – and everything is just falling apart.” I cry harder and try to catch my breath, he pushes a box of Kleenex towards me and I take a tissue.  “I’m so sorry Mom and Dad. I should’ve told you before it got this bad.” They dab their eyes with tissues and my mother blows her nose, “it’s okay sweetie, we’re going to get you help now.”  The doctor finishes his notes and he says, “So Ella, we’re going to admit you to the adolescent mental health ward and I’ll contact your psychiatrist and tell her that we’re admitting you.” I thank the doctor and change into the hospital gown they gave me. The nurse smiled at me and introduced herself. “Hi Ella, I’m Hannah. I’ll be the nurse looking after you today until you go up to the floor.” I forced a smile, “Hi.” It took two hours to get me up to the ward and the nurses and child and youth workers there were nice to me. There were twelve other people there. They all seemed nice, some had scars on their arms and others kept to themselves. I sit by myself when the food arrives, and I don’t even eat it. I push the food around on my plate and I ask to be excused, “yes Ella you may leave the dining room.” A nurse follows me, “Hi Ella, I’m Natalia. Are you okay? I noticed you didn’t eat anything.” I walk to my room and I say, “I’m just not hungry. I think I’m going to sleep for a bit.” She nods, “okay. Well there’s going to be group in a bit and I’ll come to get you or your roommate will wake you up.” She smiles at me and closes the door, I put my clothes away in the dresser they have. I lie on my bed and close my eyes, I fall asleep quickly, exhausted from all the crying. I wake to rustling beside me, I look over at the other side of the room, “oh, hello. I’m Taylor. It’s time for group. I’m just collecting my papers for group.” She smiles at me, and I notice the cuts on her arm and she notices, so she pulls her sleeve down. “Well, come on then.” I get up and smooth my covers, and follow her out to the room down the hallway. “Everyone here is nice and so is the therapist. Her name is Felicia.” I nod and we enter the room, everyone looks at me and I look down, pulling at my sleeves. Felicia looks up from the paperwork and she smiles at me, “Hi you must be Ella. Come have a seat.” I take a seat beside Natalia, and the guy sitting beside Natalia says “Hi, I’m Wade.” I nod and force a smile, “Oh we got a smile out of her!” Natalia exclaims, “I smile.” I say, looking down and the smile on my face disappears. “Oh Ella, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-“ she says quietly, I cut her off. “It’s fine. I’m just going to go back to my room, I leave and I go to my room. I lie back down and close my eyes, and try to fight off the tears. I just wanted to fold up and stop, I didn’t want to think anymore. The therapist Felicia comes in. She knocks. “Hello Ella?” I groan. “I’m here to talk to you, I want you to know that it’s okay if you miss one session but you have to come from now on.” I sit up and look at her, “I’m sorry for coming here. There are people here with bigger problems.” She looks me in the eyes, and sits beside me. “Just like you.”

She gets up and leaves, I sit there thinking about what she said. I took my diary out of my backpack and got a pen, I wrote a page and a half. I don’t know if being here in the hospital is a good thing for me. I feel like I don’t belong in here, I think I’ll get my parents to sign me out. But what if I go home and I feel bad again… I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to hurt my parents. Maybe I could stick this out. I’m just a lost girl who doesn’t matter after all. I’m never going to get better. That’s what the website said. So it must be true. I have to leave before I get my hopes up too high. I get up and go to the nursing station. “Hi, I was wondering if I could get the papers to sign myself out. I’d really appreciate it.” The nurse behind the station looks up, and she smiles at me. “I’m sorry sweetie. I can’t without the doctors’ permission. You’ll have to speak with your psychiatrist.” I rub my hands on my pants, “Please. I want to go home.” In that instant, the door to the ward opens and I run towards it. The orderlies run after me and they eventually catch me and drag me back to the ward. I scream and kick. They grab my legs and arms. They carry me back as I struggle. I’m begging them to let me go home, and there are people looking at us. We get back to the ward and they put me in my room, but there are restraints there on my bed. They moved my roommate out of the room and they put me on the bed, I’m screaming for help but no one is moving to help me. Instead the nurses come to help the orderlies put me in these restraints and I continue screaming and fighting. The psychiatrist comes in and looks at me, and says something to the nurse. The other nurses come back with a needle with some fluid in it and I try to squirm away because I have a fear of needles. “PLEASE NO! NO. I DON’T WANT THAT!” They hold me still and the nurse calmly talks to me, “It’s okay sweetheart, one little pinch. Deep breath in and out.” The fluid immediately knocks me out, I wake up a couple hours later. I’m still in the restraints and I hear the voices of my parents shouting. “WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR DAUGHTER?” I yell for them, “MOM. DAD, HELP ME!” They rush towards the sound of my voice and burst through the doors, they see me restrained to the bed. “Get her out of these restraints. We are taking our daughter home.” My father demands. “I’m afraid you can’t do that, she is a danger to herself and she clearly showed that to us by taking off. So we are holding her under a seventy two hour observation. If you have a problem with that contact a lawyer. If you wish to do so, you may contact the Hearing Board and apply for a hearing. I’m sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jorgenson. We’ll have to escort you out,” says the psychiatrist. The orderlies move towards my parents and they grab a hold of my father, and drag him out. “ELLA. WE’LL COME FOR YOU.” I start to cry and try to get out of the restraints, they sedate me again and I sleep until the next day. The psychiatrist comes in, and gets the orderlies to take the restraints off. “Hi Ella, sorry about yesterday we were just fearing for your safety. Your parents have applied for a hearing, and if they lose you will have to stay for the full seventy two hours. After that, I’m not sure what we’re going to do but if you manage to keep yourself safe while you’re here I’m sure we can let you go home. Is that a deal?” I nod frantically, and rub my wrists and ankles. “I’m sure it was uncomfortable being in the restraints but we had to ensure that you were safe. We don’t want you hurting yourself while you’re here in the hospital.”

I walk the halls of the ward and spot my old roommate. I go up to her and say, “I’m sorry you had to be moved out of your room. I’m sure that sucked, who’s your roommate now?” She looks at me and smiles, “oh it’s okay. We all have tough moments and my new roommate is Michelle. She’s a nice girl but I wish I was your roommate we could’ve had fun and did girly things.” I stuff my hands in my pockets and look down, “yeah that would’ve been nice. I haven’t done anything girly in a long time.  I haven’t had much interest in anything lately so having an interest in something is really great.” I smile at her. Wade walks up to us, and he smiles at me. “Hi Ella, are you okay? I heard what happened and I just want you to know that we’re here for you if you ever need to talk. Sometimes talking to the psychiatrist can be a little intimidating, so you can talk to us.” I look him in the eyes and thank him, “really? That would be so great.” I grin. Today’s been the greatest I’ve felt in a really long time, one of the nurses come up and smiles. “So glad to see you smiling today Ella, if you need anything come to the nursing station.” Wade waves at me to get my attention and smiles when I look at him. “Ella, did anyone tell you how beautiful you are?” I blush and look down. “Oh Wade!” Laughs Taylor. ”That was so smooth.” I thank him and turn to leave. I rush down the hallway and look back to see him watching me. That was unexpected.  I wonder why he said that. I go into the bathroom and they have those plastic mirrors and I look at myself. Am I really beautiful? I look at my long, wavy brown hair and full lips. I look into my hazel eyes and smirk. I guess I’m not too bad now that he planted that in my head. I twirl my hair with my finger. I walk out of the bathroom and walk to my room to have a little snooze before group. I quickly fall asleep and wake to the sound of knocking on my door. “Wake up Ella, it’s time for group. My name’s Charlie and I’m going to be your nurse today. Your child and youth worker will be Jenna.” He smiles at me and writes his name on the board in my room. He quickly leaves and waves goodbye before he closes the door. I get up and brush my teeth, putting my hair in a bun. I put on comfy clothes, and I walk to group. I sit beside Wade and Taylor. Wade smiles at me and I turn red immediately. I turn my focus to the therapist. I sit in awe taking in everything she was saying. I go up to her after the group was over and smiled, “Felicia. That was such a great group. I totally didn’t want it to end. I think I’m going to like this.” She smiles at me, “well hello Ella, it’s good to see that you are here today. We’ll be learning more about the topic tomorrow if you really enjoyed it.” I nod, “I’ll totally be there. I want to learn more before I go home, because I could really use these skills and integrate them into everyday life.” She nods and walks with me down the hall towards the nursing station, “I’m glad you want to do that. I should take note of that so the psychiatrist sees how much you want to get better.” I grin and thank her. I follow Wade and Taylor to the dining room. Dinner smells really good and my stomach rumbles. Tonight dinner is Meatballs and Spaghetti, and I scarf the food down from not eating anything all day. Wade walks me back to my room and we stop outside my room, and I look at him. “Why’d you call me beautiful?” I ask, and he looks at me and grins, “Because you are beautiful. And I don’t just say that to girls, I mean it Ella.” I blush and look away, I spot a nurse and shoo him away before we get in trouble. “I’ll talk to you later Ella, meet me in the dining room.” I nod and he walks away, I watch him as he rounds the corner to the men’s part of the ward. I go into my room and my heart is racing, I lean against the door and I go to my dresser. I pull out my diary and write about how I’m feeling and write down what happened today.

Becca and Zoey came to visit me today. It was quite awkward for me to let them see me in here. I feel quite crazy now that they know about my mental illnesses. They kept looking at each other and it seemed like they wanted to tell me something but they were holding back. I’m worried that they might tell the whole school but they’re my best friends and they’d never do such a thing. I’m just being paranoid. It was great to see a familiar face, my parents haven’t come back. I think it’s because the ward won’t let them. At least that’s what I think. I miss them so much and it’s only been 34 hours since I came here. The time is going by so slowly, I never met up with Wade last night. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, I am not here for a relationship with someone. I’m here to focus on myself, and I can’t have any distractions because I got to get home, and being home may seem scary now. But I have to eventually go back. I can’t live here in the hospital all my life. I talked to the psychiatrist an hour ago and he said that my parents lost the hearing. So I’m stuck here until my seventy two hours are up and he wants to put me on stronger medications to help with my mood swings and impulsive thoughts. This is great because I don’t want to feel the way I felt when I came in. My thoughts are chaotic right now and my mind is collapsing in one itself again. I don’t think that I can handle any of this much longer. I’m going to ask for a pass so I can go to the store and buy a razor. Or a bottle of pills, it’ll be simple.

I asked the psychiatrist if I could go on a pass and he said it was fine, my, my, what a stupid psychiatrist. Unless he wants me dead this could be a possibility. I’m going to go out on my pass and thank God I packed my debit card to buy these things. I should leave a note behind for my parents to read once the hospital realizes I’m gone. I’ve thought about it before, about killing myself. But not like this. Not so real. I go to my room and write a note to my parents. Mom and Dad, I want you to know that I love you so much. You are the greatest parents ever and I never imagined when I was younger that I would result to this. I never thought I’d be this way and you probably thought the same. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I know this might be difficult. Why did I have to be this way, I have you two. The perfect parents and I had good academic results. Living has become this constant nightmare, and it affects my everyday life. My school, my grades, my accomplishments, all I know is that I wake up every morning feeling like complete shit. Tell my friends that I love them, and I love you too. I wish that I was strong enough to fight this to the end, but there is not an end to this. This is the only end and I had to do this, so don’t blame yourselves because it’s not your fault. I love you. A tear rolls down my face and I fold up the note, writing please give to my parents, and I leave. I run through the hospital and down the hospital steps, onto the street where I nearly get hit by a car. The driver honks his horn and yells at me, I run a couple blocks down the road and I enter a store, I go to the pharmacy area and look for Tylenol. I go to the tools area and find an Xacto-knife. I purchase these objects and walk to a wooded area and walk at least 8 kilometres in. I open the bottle of pills and begin shoving handfuls of pills into my mouth and downing them with the Gatorade I bought. I then put the Xacto-knife on my wrists and push down and slice. I bite my lip and scream quietly. I cut deep and I lie down and close my eyes. Hours pass and I hear sirens from way off in the distance. They won’t find me in time. I think, and then I begin losing consciousness. “ELLA! ELLA!” I don’t fight to keep my eyes open, I feel myself slipping away. And darkness swallows me whole.

[thesedamnthoughtsofmine]

1/19/18

I want to drop out. I have no where to live next year. I have no one to live with. If I live by myself, I will surely fucking kill myself. So my best bet is to move back home and just say fuck it. I literally cannot manage this. My only close real friends are in kentucky and the other wants distance and we just broke up. so life is great. and I’m just so fucking lonely and miserable. and this in between stage is so god damn confusing. like, we are broken up, but still love each other and want to be together. and sometimes he wants to talk and others he ignores me half the day. and i’m just so god damn confused. I have done my healthy coping skills. You bet i’v been googling shit to help me and nothing is helping. because this situation is just too unique. I feel like death. I just want to be with my love so bad. I just want to embrace him and tell him i love him. Right now, he says he is miserable. I just want him to be okay. I don’t want him to suffer. but hell, i’m suffering and he’s been able to set boundaries. He’s the one who said he sucked at boundaries.  but now that were broken up i’m the one having issues with boundaries. when we were together, i was good with them. I was able to do it. thats why im so annoyed because now, it just feels like I can’t do them anymore.

And i’m so annoyed ebcause I’m doing all the coping skills. I’m doing them and resisting the negative ones, but NOTHING IS FUCKING HELPING. I have combatted so many impulses. I want drugs. I want to overdose. I don’t want to be alive anymore because feeling this miserable should be god damn illegal. I hate it. and during the week, it’s fine. because i’m busy with school. but this weekend is horse shit because i’m so used to being with him. and now he’s not here and we arent talking really. an d this is all stupid. its not. but feelings all these things suck. I don’t know how to cope. I feel like I have no peace of mind. Even when i’m doing things to distract, it’s all still there. I cant get away. like my emotions need to fuck off for a good one. He has things to escape with and i’m so jealous. His video games let him not feel. He can respress emotions easier than i can. I cannot repress as hard as i try.. I want something to escape for fucks sake. I just dont want to feel anymore. 

The problem is, he wants to be with me. So we aren’t together rn. So we aren’t dating, but I can’t move on either. I can’t work on getting over him because we are planning on getting back together. I don’t want him out of my life. at all. so all of this is just hard. i don’t know what to do. I want to try not talking to him for a day. I just feel like he holds all of the control. I feel like he gets to decide whether ot talk to me or not and he can control impulses to talk to me. but i have no willpower not to message him. I do everything in my power to not message him, but its so hard. and I dont want to block him or stop talking completely, but i have no idea how to cope with this. I just dont want to feel anymore. I’m tired of feeling. I ahve googled how i can sleep for 2 days straight. I just don’t want to be awake. I don’t want to consciously deal with my emotions anymore. I’m so fucking tired of it. and no one gets it. they keep saying well you have to balance feeling them and using distractions. like okay. that’s what i’m doing. I let myself feel them and when it gets to be too much, i distract. well try. distractions haven’t helped. I still feel everything. so nothing is working. so nothing that is healthy is working anymore. I’m trying soo freaking hard not to do anything stupid or do anything bad, but I feel so helpless and hopeless. Like i’m running out of options. I feel like i’m running out of options. Just stuck. 

i jsut want help. Everything sucks right now. I need help. I need something. I need comfort. Mary sucks ass. so does christa. at least christa listens. mary just ignores everything. and then gets mad at me. and i try and ask for help to distract. and they just turn me down. I have no one close to reach out to, especially in a winter storm.  I feel so trapped. i feel like no one gives a damn about me other than rachel. i want to die. I need support. I need help. I feel so alone. I’m doing my best here. I am trying so fucking hard. The past week has been miserable for me. It has been complete hell. Maybe I should just isolate from everyone. i have nothing going for me right now anyway. I’m trapped in my own apartment with brick walls for roommates, and my best friends who live too far away and wants nothing to do with me currently. I’m trying so hard. I really am. I don’t know what else to do. I really am so lost right now. I need some relief. Gosh, i should just say fuck it. like who cares. genuinely. everything is meaningless. We are all gonna die. It just doesn’t fucking matter. i feel like I have no future anymore. 

God, my BPD is kicking my ass these past couple of days. I feel like everything is meaningless and nothing matters at all. I want to die so bad. I truly do. I jsut don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m so tired. If  had something to keep me completely busy 24/7, i’d be fine. but i have nothing. Nothing that can keep my attention. school won’t be until tuesday. I jsut want school. I just want to be in class. I just dont want to be here anymore. god, please. i want to die so bad.