#anyway tldr it’s been such a good but bad day i’m kinda really sad and this is gonna sound So cheesy but i’ll never forget these people &

[mayclair]

last day of school today :(

[masterhandss]

Who do you think katarina will end up with?

Anonymous asked: Who do you ship katarina the most with ?

I got these two questions consecutively, I'm assuming they are coming from the same person so I'll combine them to a single reply, if that's okay.

People who have been following me since the first season can probably tell that I really like Geordo x Katarina (GeoKata) the most out of all ships. At first it was mostly just because I have an unintentional biases towards characters with blonde hair, which is why favorites were GeoKata and MariaKata, but then when I slowly got into the series more, my biases permanently shifted to the G-boy.

I'm not really a fan of laying out why I like certain ships through test to be honest. I usually get super frustrated when zine mods ask contributors to explain why they like a character or ship for contributor spotlight graphics because I can never really say everything I feel correctly hgdsjsdgfj, which is a good thing someone had already asked me a similar question before so I'll just copy paste my response here if that's okay :DD

TLDR; I ship Katarina with Geordo (Maria, Sora and Cezar behind him), and I think Katarina will end up with Geordo :))

You didn't really ask why but I'll give it anyways :)) -> major light novel spoilers, by the way <-

I'm not really the most deep person, if a ship has the bare minimum of something that I like (a trope or a hair color combination) then I stan it hard. That's why I used to be so equally adoring to both Maria and Geordo, because hurrdurr blonde hair hurrdurr. But the more I read the books and got into the community, I eventually liked him more than Maria. I didn't understand how or why at first, since Geordo and Maria are undergoing a very similar character arc: both characters wants to become better people in order to become worthy of Katarina (Geordo emotionally, and Maria physically? magically? in terms of her position/social status? I can't think of a right word but you get it). Again, Maria and Geordo's struggles are similarly written but one of them is more compelling to me. I feel like Maria's problems are easier to solve (her inability to rely on people, her attention seeking and her desire to be more magically powerful) imo, since she's already a well-liked figure in the Ministry and she's already a high-level magic user. Geordo's though; the series doesn't put too much attention on it, but despite the fact that Katarina gave his life color, he still somewhat sees the world in a desaturated light even post-childhood according to the novels and his lack of empathy still prevents him from completely absorbing all the colors. He's still learning how to see and he is happy that Katarina is always there to help him learn how.

I just love the irony that Katarina sees Geordo as a Perfect Prince and feels that she is inferior and unworthy of him, but then Geordo also seems himself as flawed, inferior and unworthy of Katarina and sees her as someone perfect. Geordo constantly wants to be better for Katarina (and for the people around him), and in time, maybe he could become a motivation for Katarina to be better too (on Katarina's side though, because on Geordo's she doesn't have to because she's already perfect the way she is). Geordo, while being self-centered and aggressive in his pursuits, isn't always selfish and thinks about what Katarina wants too. He'd fight tooth and nail for her and will do whatever he can so that Katarina will love him in the same way, but that doesn't mean he wont respect her decision if she falls in love with someone else, he just wont lose without a fight that's all (and fight, he'll give that's for sure).

Geordo is crazy in love with her; wants to protect her happiness, keep her safe whenever he can, and is even willing to both fight to become king and throw away the life he currently knows if it means he can live a life where he and Katarina can be together wherever she is most content and happy. He wouldn't lock her up in the castle like a caged bird like what Keith and some fans of the series thinks, whenever he does have thoughts like that like in Volume 6, its his internal response to the lack time they can have together alone, rather than being indicative of how he wants to treat her (like in his desire in Book of Desires, he conjured up a literal honeymoon because a honeymoon is the only time where he can spend it with her alone without someone butting in! It's weird and exaggerated, but his desire is simply to just be able to spend a day with her and be able to pursue her romantically without the threat of people like Keith and Mary).

Katarina sees him for himself, and she extends her hand of friendship to him despite all her fears of her bad ends involving him. She knows he's a "sadistic prince" but doesn't always tie him to that title. Out of everyone, Katarina has just as bad, if not worse, initial impression of Geordo compared to almost everyone around him (Others sees him as a Perfect Prince while she sees him as a Sadistic Prince and Future Murderer), and yet she accepts him and wants to learn more about him. She supports him and wants him to find happiness in love with Maria, even if it means she'll get exiled to another country or to a far off farm! (i'll edit this with citations later)

I can't help but want that for him, someone who there for you through thick and thin, who supports him despite everything she knows about her future involving him. Katarina is everything he would ever want in a partner: someone who isn't disturbed by his past, can see through his fake smiles, constantly cares for him, sees him beyond his princely façade, is one of his first friends who has helped him create friendships with other as well that prevented him to wallow in isolation and hate of the version of himself that society created for him, is genuinely interested in him as a person, is endlessly fun to be around and unpredictable, and is overall beautiful inside and out.

Again, a lot of Maria and Geordo's struggles are very similar to each other, but I'm more interested in Geordo's side. I find it more compelling. Geordo's scenes always almost provides something new, we get to see him angry, flustered & embarrassed, scheming/conniving, possessive, grateful, sad & frustrated and so much more. Maria has that too (we get to see her sad and thankful), but this might be my own perspective of reading the novels, but Maria's scenes kinda feel the same to me. It almost always starts with Katarina helping her and her realizing time and time again how much she loves her and become more motivated to be a better version of herself. I mean its unfair to say that they are all the same but that might just be me. (Maria: wow I'm so grateful for everything Katarina has given me, I want to be with her forever (rinse and repeat for the next 5 books))

Yes I know it's beautiful to see Maria falling deeper and deeper in love with Maria, but I'd rather see moments of someone who is trying to advance on those feelings rather than someone who is still trying to understand what they feel. Declarations and descriptions of love are beautiful in literary works and it always gets my heart fluttering, but I can read fanfics if I want to see that be written in 8 or more ways. Give me some action, some internal conflict!

It also doesn't help that it makes me really really happy for Geordo that he's made a dent in Katarina's baka shield? Katarina's heart skipped and fluttered for a second when Geordo was patting her head, and it makes me want to root for him even more! (Yes, go break the bubble! You can do it!!)

It's not even the same doki-doki as when she gets charmed at how pretty Maria is, to me its different in a way that my small vocabulary can't explain.

And besides, it really is just a battle between the protagonist that almost ruined her life (Maria) and the love interest that almost ruined her life (Geordo). Keith is part of that equation too, but he was never a threat after they became close (narratively, its seriously just Maria vs Geordo vs Keith, ignoring the changes to that narrative by FL2). It's always about Geordo (and Maria), everything she's doing in the Fortune Lover 1 Arc is because of Geordo (and arguably, Maria & Keith too) and the consequences of where he decides her future to would lead to.

It has to be Geordo, in my opinion, to show her that things aren't the same as the game (and he already kinda has, just a dent though) (If not Geordo, it should be Maria). He, who she feared and yet cared for so much

(I know Fortune Lover 2 basically removes that importance of Geordo and Maria specifically to Katarina's narrative by making her an active problem in all routes, finally becoming loyal to the title "All Routes Lead to Doom", but its not like the story is digging into Katarina's brain that she's sword training for the purpose of fighting back against all the boys, its still just Geordo, so idk I still count that in my shipper brain)

It also also helps that Geordo is basically the poor bullied animal in the hamefura community's eyes, regardless of how far he is into the battle (like in the reddit discord lmao). Yeah he has the best chances which is why many people both in and out of the series find it so fun to drag him under because of his unfair advantage, which is fair, but just like how you feel when you see a small wounded animal, you can't help but want to help someone who has the whole world against him (there's literally a canon manga page with that joke lmao), which is how I eventually felt over time. He's so misunderstood and bullied by people despite the authors dedication to flesh him out more beyond being a possessive prince fiancé of Katarina because of the anime's adaption, so I'd rather give my biases to someone who needs (and deserves it) rather than other contenders who are already overflowing with love and support. Also who doesn't love a perfect guy who breaks when his beloved is harm/who opens up to the person he cares about most?

I know people will read this and find it unfair that Katarina is giving so much to Geordo, but he isn't really giving anything to her. One thing I'll agree that Maria has over Geordo is that Maria makes Katarina want to try and work hard. Seeing Maria improve her magic wants Katarina to do the same, and whether or not it's from motivation or fear of getting left out depends on the reader. So far we don't really have anything like that for Katarina with Geordo because most things involving Geordo intimidates her, compared to Maria who is surrounded by mysteries and adventure (though arguably it's Katarina and not her lmao, but Kat doesn't know that).

Katarina is already the most well-adjusted character in the story even as a child so the only thing to really explore from her is mostly just her relationships and skewed sense of reality. That's why I hope that Geordo will not only help her realize that she can be loved by her peers romantically despite her self-perceived position/role, but also be one of the persons to make her completely realize that she isn't living inside a game. I mean like I said a few paragraphs ago, he's already kinda doing it by constantly confessing his feelings to her, reminding her that he is a person with his own feelings and not a character programmed to fall for a heroine.

So yeah, I ship Katarina with Geordo for those reasons and believe they should end up together for those reasons.

If you ask me who I think would she end up with objectively, I'd still say Geordo. The author's focus jumps between Geordo and Maria so that really depends on who you're asking. It also doesn't help that Geordo is always in the marketing with Katarina in the books and games, which pretty much cements his Male Lead status to Katarina's Female Lead status lmao

Thank you for the ask lmao, I'll be updating this with more thoughts and possibly citations later :))

[snellyfish]

May I ask..... what is in your post game V3? I dunno how to ask this without sounding weird.

HM!!!!!!!!! GOOD QUESTION;;

I mostly only have braincells for Kiyo and Angie so not a lot of my thoughts are straying from that unfortunately LMAO, I was able to branch off a bit answering this though so thank you for indirectly helping me develop more!!

But I like to think it's the same scenario as the second game where it was all just a simulation. I know what I fantasize about is a VR AU and that "postgame" tends to refer to the survivors but literally none of my favorites survived so reality can be whatever I want: postgame Shinnaga is so canon it's unreal!! I'm sure there's probably a VR fic for them somewhere out there in the world, I wouldn't know because I suck at reading fhdjfk, but I would love to write my own someday HEH

-------------------------

They'd all wake up one by one as they die and end up all in the same facility where they're taken care of by the Danganronpa team, unable to leave until they’re well again due to the contracts they signed prior to playing-- Meaning Angie wakes up, Tenko wakes up a few hours later, Kiyo another few hours later, etc. Angie jumps back pretty quick from things so she'd be already VERY excited to see Kiyo*  after watching the trial, mostly because Angie like immediately caught onto what his sister really was to him (HINT: CONTROLLING AND AWFUL) and yelling at her screen saying "GOD WILL SMITE YOU ALL FOR PICKING ON THE WEAK" at everyone just calling him some incestuous freak during the trial. Angie does have genuinely incredible intuition (thanks god!) so she looks past the fact he murdered her Scarily Fast. Everyone would definitely mistrust and hate Angie even more as she tries to preach to them afterwards about Kiyo and how they need to forgive him since he’s a victim and God (most important opinion) already forgave him, but no one ever listened to her anyway especially postgame so it’s all in vain 😔

*whom might take a bit to wake up and fully acclimate again because...idk this man was boiled alive that's kinda Fucked I think all the executed would take longer to wake up because they went through more lengthy + traumatic deaths I guess? This just means even more time for Angie to sit on her thoughts about what happened to her+Kiyo yuh yuh

Everyone becomes a mix of their pregame selves and the identities they were given, they'd end up being mediocre/average (sometimes bad) at what their handpicked talent was but a lot of them still keep up doing it until they DO become good again. A very small amount of them try to replicate their killing game outfits and kinda live off the high of being what they once were and accomplished in their fake memories, like Miu and Himiko. (this also makes me think about Irumeno a bit more 👀) Pretty much every single one of them in pregame saw themselves as nothing, being disposable enough to be in a killing game (even if it turns out to be virtual), so the new identities would overpower the mix for the most part since they’re the more intensified and dramaticized personality--IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE LOL.

--Angie absolutely never stopped her art and has a less intense view on Religion, since garnering more experiences in life she’s just be less intense in general I'd think; more open with her emotions in that she'd actually cry, but still very manic and bubbly and optimistic nonetheless. After getting help (mostly from Kiyo who deals with the same thing), Angie is able to differentiate her thoughts and desires from “God”’s thoughts and desires, YEA she still has a funky little friend in her head. She's not AS pushy especially not with her equally traumatized fellow killing game participants but she still absolutely gets her moments of intensity and assertiveness now and then if she thinks something God is telling her is absolute truth and for the betterment of everyone: she is still Angie afterall, truly believing everyone would be much happier with her God in their lives but having enough self-restraint to know everyone will just push her away further if she tries to help them in that regard. She has her moments of desperation but most everyone’s too far gone from her already.

--Korekiyo is such a complicated one--I do like to think of pregame Kiyo as transfem/nonbinary and that would partially stick into his postgame identity in some way...killing game Kiyo was Just A Dude but after becoming the mix of the two identities he'd be VERY confused, especially with the influence of his (simulated) sister's influence. (genderfluid time? :)) He'd have varying degrees of when his...sister...alter...thing...comes out, or is present in his head in any regard, she'd be gone or slowly disappearing from his mind for months at a time and he'd initially be extremely unstable about it because he feels extremely isolated and lost when he can’t talk to her, but he's got Angie by his side so he becomes significantly less stressed about it over time, learning to cope with it. Eventually he finds himself no longer dependent on sister and...has to learn a SECOND time to not be unhealthily dependent; on Angie this time. (funky little idea I’ve been wanting to draw/write about sometime...hnnrngm) They’re both miracle workers when it comes to each other’s mental health it’s kinda insane. Of course, after realizing that Sister never really existed, he harbors near-immediate guilt for having murdered Angie and Tenko once he’s alone with his thoughts, not being puppeteered by sister, realizing everything he ever did he did for HER and realizing how fucked it all was pretty quickly--he does crave interacting with his victims in a positive and healing light but he’s sort of traumatized by it all to the point he is TERRIFIED when they’re around him at first.

--Tenko ends up EVEN MORE protective and grudgeful after she wakes up, trying to shield everyone and everything from most of the blackened, absolutely makes Kiyo manage to feel like even worse shit when he's got 1 extremely supportive and loving woman he killed and 1 extremely spiteful woman he killed who might legitimately murder him in return if he’s not careful. Tenko never makes amends with Angie and becomes close with Himiko (who's close with Gonta despite Tenko's wishes (she hates him for killing Miu, local woman)), managing to keep Himiko far far away from Angie, not only for "stealing" Himiko in the Student Council but also for the fact Angie's glued to Kiyo's side--making her the second least trustworthy person to Tenko..

--Himiko is very traumatized after the game due to surviving all the way til the end, likely making her (along with Shuichi+Maki) very disillusioned and lost--unable to decipher anything from fiction or reality--it takes a long time for Himiko to really “accept” anything; tried to cling to both Tenko and Angie but ends up just stuck on Tenko, mourning the loss of her friendship with Angie while doing so. Himiko would probably be shoved away from Gonta at first as well, but Tenko felt a lot more confident in Gonta so after a long while of her aggressively trying to teach him manners and keeping an emotional deathgrip on him whenever he wants to interact with Himiko, they’d end up close friends again. Still thinking about Irumeno-- Also with the whole ~~Survivor Delusions~~ thing, I think that helps play into Himiko’s attachment and insistence to keep up her old magician identity, because she has a very hard time trying to tell what’s real n fake ykno, and it takes her a while to realize she doesn’t have her talent anymore; absolutely ending in tearful breakdowns and unending determination to find herself again by forcibly trying to improve and push herself to her limits.

For the most part Kiyo and Angie are outcasted from everyone else, a lot of that being due to Tenko's preaching but...also everyone just doesn't understand what actually happened to Kiyo and they are all deathly worried about Angie, but not enough to get themselves involved; they're scared of Angie too, afterall, not as much as they're scared of Kiyo but ykno-- They think her naivety and determination to “fix him” is going to get her murdered again, every day they’re just counting down the minutes until it happens again. (spoiler alert: it doesn’t)

I could ABSOLUTELY go off more but I really have to end this at some point so fhdsjkfds--

TLDR;; Angie (and God alter) forgive Kiyo almost immediately. Sister alter likes to disappear sometimes making Kiyo sad and unfortunately dependent on Angie. Both Kiyo + Angie help each other heal and recover from their issues. Tenko hates both Kiyo + Angie with a passion and protectively forbids Himiko from seeing either of them. Himiko is close friends with Tenko and Gonta and Maybe More with Miu.

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

Are you going to finish the Tiny Virgil AU? Cause the last chapter ended on a cliffhanger. If you don't feel like finishing the whole thing, you could maybe give us bullet points of what was supposed to happen?

Ahaha whoops, I kinda forgot that fic. at the rate I'm going, it'll take like ten years for that or any of my other fics to get finished. Tbh, I actually have a whole outline for that one? Acantha (@theeternalspace) and I brainstormed the rest ages ago and then I took our thoughts and bullet-outlined it out.

The thing is? Like, emotionally I want to hold onto my thoughts and finish it, but if I am to be completely honest, realistically it probably won't happen. Because I wanna prioritize Gibbous over it and all.

so tldr: I'd like to write more installments, but in the case I never finish it and/or you don't care about spoilers, check the read more for what happens.

warnings: hurt/comfort, crying, morally grey sides (all sides are present so beware idk its been awhile im not up to date with how the fandom handles this sorta thing)

Chapter 5

Anx cant believe he forgot about Thomas!

He was so caught up in Creativity wanting to play with him, he's forgotten about his whole purpose

He goes to the real world, worried about all the things that could've befallen his host without his guidance

Anx is confused to be faced with adult Morality and another...side?

"Thomas?"

Thomas is big, Anx is not

This can't be real, can it? How can he protect Thomas like this?

Roman shows up, but the damage is dealt (Ro and Pat converse a bit)

Virge starts panicking and panics even more when he sees Thomas affected by it

Ro & Pat try to comfort Virge but no use

It's Thomas who gets to him. Who is...helping? Why?

"Wh-why are you so nice? I'm bad, I hurt you--I do bad things."

Thomas looks sad at that. He tries to explaining that he doesnt think Virge is bad, he can be good

Virge doesnt really understand but at the same time...Thomas loves him??

Thomas offers him a hug and he accepts it. Still so confused but at least his host loves him.

Chapter 6

Virgil ends up tuckered up in Thomas' arms

"Crying is exhausting, don't like it" He complains to Roman.

"I know. You've been very brave, little prince."

It's not that late but Thomas seems nervous. "I should go to bed." (Basically feels like if he doesnt adhere to his childhood bedtime, he'll get in trouble aka lil Virgil's influence)

Patton asks if he'd like for him to accompany him and Thomas nods

Roman and Virgil end up back in the mindscape with Patton promising to follow soon after

Roman tucks him into bed

Patton comes back, looking tired, and both Roman and Patton agree to talk with Logan in the morning about things

in the morning with Virgil still asleep, Lo, Pat and Ro talk briefly

Logan shares some theories (Age regression maybe?)

Patton tells them what's up with Thomas

Roman decides to bother the Dark Sides. "If this happened before in the past, they would know, wouldn't they? And if they're behind it this time then I can get them to stop it"

They decide to have Patton look out for Thomas again and for Logan to watch over Virgil while Roman ventures out to the Dark Sides

Chapter 7

Logan mulls over what is happening

Grateful that Thomas is going to bed early at least

He is not worried, he is Logic

Tries focusing hard on his book

Virgil wakes up, disappointed to see Logan and not Roman

Roman ventures through the dark mindscape

infodump detail on how it differs vs. the regular mindscape, quiet, silence nobody is around

"HELLO" Roman screams as his brother pops up

"What do I owe brother dear for this visit?"

Virgil is worried about Roman, but Logan placates him a bit

The two end up doing a puzzle

During which Virgil randomly hugs Logan

When Logan asks why, Virgil explains "You're scared. Hugs make me feel less scared"

Logan thanks him for the sentiment but insists he is not scared

"You're scared, I can feel it. It's okay, I get scared lots of times so you don't have to." Virgil says

And then Logan's fear dissipates

He stares at Virgil, shocked, because did tiny virge take his fear away??

And if so, if tiny virge knows how to do this, has adult Virgil been doing it without them knowing??

Chapter 8

"I know you did it" Roman growls. It makes sense really. Remus did random things for sh*t and giggles

Remus blinked "Oh! You found out about ____, didn't you?"

"What no!" Roman says, disgusted. "I'm talking about Virgil."

"Wait, you think I did it with Virgil? Mr. Emo?"

"NO!" Roman snaps. "Stop playing dumb!"

The two have a scuffle, ending up with Remus having a sword at Ro's throat (who is stuck in green goop)

"I really don't know what you mean." Remus says, "What is it exactly do you think I did again?"

Logic must hate him, Anx thinks, otherwise why would he be looking strangely at him?

but its okay, even if it really really really hurts, Anx has done it before and would do it again to keep from any of them feeling pain

He asks if Anx took his fear away and he nods

surely this must be a happy thing but Logic seems even more upset

the fear grappling tiny virge is foreign. It's so different than fears he's taken before. He finds himself drowning in it. he doesnt quite understand most of it. But there's fears about himself, Logic being scared for him, not of him. (basically oh boy adult fears are much harder to process for a child Anxiety)

Logic grips his hand and asks for his fears back

"I can't" Tiny Virge says, shaking like a leaf

Logan asks it again. Virge shakes his head "I can't, I--I don't know how!"

He really doesnt know how. Usually he just holds it all in until it explodes.

Logic echoes some of what the fear is telling him, that Logic cares for him. And weirdly, it means a lot for him to hear that Logic actually cares.

But noooo he must only care because of Thomas, right?

Anyways this is resolved somehow idk lmao and then Logan is called to help with Thomas

Virgil promises Lo he'll be okay, not wanting to stop him from being able to help their host

Logan promises he'll back momentarily

Virgil squeezes Zola and tries his best to stay calm

Previously on Rem and Ro

Roman spills the beans on whats up

Deadbeat silence

Remus then babbles about how he has no clue what Roman is talking about, but is super intrigued and wants to check this out for himself

He sinks out as Roman grabs onto his ankle, but isn't enough to stop him from sinking out.

Chapter 9

"Hiya!"

Little Anx squeaks, shadows gathering at his feet, ready to strike at....

A Green-Dressed Creativity? He dresses fancily like him.

"Princey?"

Green laughs. "No, I'm The Duke! Princey's my brother!"

And Lil Virge is kinda confused but rolls with it because Creativity pretending to be someone else/splitting himself into two is a very Creativity thing to do and isn't too worried about it.

Roman shows up, fuming

However, because of Virgil, he has to play nice

They end up having a pretend tea party

Roman finds himself shocked that Remus is decent with kids? Or at least a Kid Anxiety??

He still says outrageous things but Virge giggles at them (Basically kids really have no baseline for moral right-or-wrong, they find talk of murder funny)

Roman feels a bit guilty/regretful realizing he never played much with Remus growing up

Eventually, Logan pops up slightly frazzled

He's relieved to see the twins there looking after Virgil

Explains the situation w/ Thomas to Roman while Remus and Virgil play

Patton pops up, looking slightly weary, leading Roman and Logan to insist he take a day off from watching Thomas

Upon seeing Logan & Patton, Virgil runs up to hug Logan, but shies away from Patton

Patton tries to hide his disappointment about this

Remus tries to leave upon seeing Lo and Pat are here

but Virge clings to him, insisting he stays

The Others agree, and Remus perks up a bit.

Somewhere, there's a discussion about Virge again, late at night?

Logan reveals Virgil taking fears from him

At some point it's decided to leave Janus out of it as it's unknown how little Virge would react to him and the fact that Janus most likely knows what's up and has chosen to stay out of it

It's decided that Remus and Roman will traverse the Imagination to see if there's a solution there

Logan will be with Thomas

Meanwhile Patton will look after Virgil

Chapter 10

Patton's POV

Little Virge is upset about both Remus and Roman leaving

they try to placate him but it does little. (Telling him how they'll stay safe and they don't want him going because they want to keep him safe)

Patton's heart breaks but he has to holds back Virge.

Eventually the two have heart-to-heart

Apparently the two had a classic childhood spat, that means a lot to Virge even tho poor Pat doesnt remember the spat at all.

Pat tells them they're the best of friends now, even shows him evidence

Virge feels a little better

Sees a snake stuffy in Pat's room, asks about Dee

Patton deflects

The two end up making cookies together

The Imagination is a bust, although the twins return squabbling in a good mood

And Remus has a "present" for Virgil, who delights in it.

They chat, when suddenly Virgil screams

Chapter 11

Virgil's POV

He's been trying his best to stay calm, to hold back the anxiety gained from Logan and also the other fears swelling inside of him

But it's too much, and push comes to shove. A burning sensation occurs

And it explodes

He has a panic attack and realizes it extends into the real world

Overwhelmed and upset, he runs off.

He runs off to his hideaway and sits there

Getting bombarded with fears

He's there for what feels like hours when--

"Oh my dear Anxiety" A crooning, unfamiliar yet familiar voice says

Virgil looks, surprised, to see Deceit!! There's a lot more scales and he's wearing a funny outfit but it's him

He is happy to see him albeit sobbing into his capelet because of what happened.

Dee holds onto him going, “Shhhh everything’s alright. Shhh it’s not your fault. It’s my fault, I’m sorry—“ and Virgil interrupts shrieking it can’t be his fault, because in his mind Dee would never do anything bad and it hurts Dee to know that young Virge has so much faith in him.

"You'll hate me" But Little Virge refuses to accept that. "You're lying, you don't mean that"

"Okay, you caught me. "We stay best friends forever" OR something along those lines

Dee convinces him to bring back to the others, that they don't hate him

When they return, the others "freaking out" is a mild understatement.

Dee slowly produces tiny Virge out of his capelet.

Hisses at them to keep their distance because crowding Virge will only freak him out

Apologies and misunderstandings are made clear

Thomas summons all of them and they all have a sleepover

Virgil falls asleep snuggled between Remus and Dee

Chapter 12

Maybe Roman's POV?

Along with Thomas, they have a discussion

Dee waits a bit, before revealing that he's behind the reason for Virge's current state.

As his role Deceit, he has access to both truth and lies. One lie is that Virgil believes his kid self died and is no longer a part of him--attempting to actively repress those memories

He then points out the childish aspects of each side's function. (Maybe Logan input something about growing up and stuff)

P: "But why would Virgil think this?" J: "oh gee, I wonder why. It isn't like he was made to feel like an outcast from a very young age or anything"

Instant Guilt for all

Anyways Dee explains some mishap occurred, thus reverting Virgil back to this state

You get the sense Janus isn't telling the whole truth.

Janus says he has a way to fix things, and that's when there's a noise

"Anx?"

Virge is there, standing incredibly still, slightly heavy breathing

"Anx, it's okay, we're not upset"

Little Virge heard everything and is upset but he understands

He knows Thomas needs big him, and the others reassure him that they'll be there for him, each having a small moment with him

Then he starts glowing brightly, causing them all to be alarmed, Janus included

Chapter 13

Virgil is back and boiiiiiii is he freaked the heck out

The Others including Thomas are all there, F*CK how can he ever recover after they saw him like that?

He's both embarrassed and mortified

Not to mention it hurts to have two sets of childhood memories rattling inside his head. One that was lonely and painful, and the other that was happy but fake

He snaps at Janus and ends up fleeing in his room

He doesn't duck out

He cant do that

He just doesnt....go out. He doesn't want to hear the jokes start. He doesnt want the babying or the pitying to start.

He does his job and that is that.

(inwardly he knew this would happen, but not like this)

They try summoning him (Thomas included) but he wont come out. His door is locked.

Patton slips a note under the door but Virge refuses to look at it.

Blares MCR

Somehow Zola appears in his room, and he'd like to tear it apart or something, but he can't help but squeeze the stuffed bat tight and cry for the childhood that never was.

A week passes, and there's a very sad prince at his door

Virgil ends up letting him in because look, he's not a monster

it's very...awkward at first

but they eventually have a heart-to-heart and some snarky banter

and Virgil is very confused when Princey feels the need to apologize to him

They also discuss Janus and Virgil very reluctantly agrees to talk to him

Virgil ends up talking with Janus over tea

Janus doesn't really look at him, staring at his teacup as he explains himself

and dammit, Janus has hurt him (but then again so has Virgil hurt Janus)

But a part of him really misses him. A part of him that has always missed him.

Janus explains he just wanted to know where he went wrong in their friendship, that he went the round-about way because knew Virgil wouldn't talk to him but messed with things he shouldnt and accidentally caused Virgil to revert to the age before their friendship started fraying by accident.

He admits that he almost wanted to leave Virgil that age, to take advantage of it as a way to start again, but ultimately couldnt let himself take advantage of virgil in that way

He also apologizes, telling Virgil "Showing weakness isn't bad. I told you once that you had to stay strong and not let anyone see it, but I was wrong" and that he understands if Virgil doesnt accept his apology right away or if ever

And Virgil doesnt completely accept, not yet, but he's willing to try

It ends happily with them going down to dinner with the others. (possibly Virgil having moments with the others??)

the end

BONUS, Written Scene from Chapter 11 w/ Virge's and Janus's reunion because I was self-indulgent and wrote ahead

“Oh my dear Anxiety,” A silky voice croons, so achingly familiar.

He sniffles, raising his head to meet eyes with the much older face of his best friend; Deceit. It has to be, there is no other side whose left side of face is reptilian in nature. He’s crouching beside Virgil, only one set of arms present at the moment. He’s wearing a funny outfit, but then Deceit has always dressed funny, just like Creativity. Neither of them have ever been worried about standing out.

“Dee!” Anxiety cries out, all but flinging himself onto the older side. The velocity of it flattens the two onto the ground, with Deceit letting a small grunt from the impact. He’d be more worried about possibly hurting Deceit if he wasn’t too busy bawling his eyes out into the strange cape Deceit is wearing.

Deceit strokes his hair, so soft and gentle. Then two sets of arms hoist Anxiety upwards, settling him onto Deceit’s lap. Deceit hugs Anxiety, cocooning him in a warm embrace. For a moment, everything feels normal again. As if they’re all kids still and Anxiety had sought Deceit for comfort after a bad nightmare.

Then Deceit speaks, saying words meant to be comforting. They are comforting at first, until Deceit says things that don’t make sense. And Anxiety knows Deceit is a liar, that he says things that aren’t true. But he knows when Deceit isn’t lying. They’re best friends after all.

“Shhh, it’ll be alright. Shhh, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I hurt you and I’m--”

“No!”

“No?” Deceit repeats.

“No, it--it--you didn’t do anything bad, you wouldn’t!” Anxiety says, nearly shrieking, “You’d never, ever, hurt me. We’re best friends and best friends don’t do that.”

A strange, choking noise erupts from Deceit. Anxiety looks to see Deceit’s human eye glistening. His best friend’s lips quiver, like Anxiety gets when he gets too scared to speak. Except Deceit is never scared. He always knows what to say in a situation, confident in ways Anxiety could never be.

“Oh, I’ve forgotten what you were like at this age,” Deceit whispers, so low that Anxiety thinks he wasn’t meant to hear it. Then Deceit shakes his head, a weird laugh escaping him. “You’re going to hate me, Anx. Or rather, you’re going to hate me more after this is all over.”

“You’re lying,” Anxiety accuses, his fingers tightening around the fabric of Deceit’s cloak, “You don’t mean that. I love you, Dee, you’re my best friend and--and...Big Me is still best friends with you, right?!”

Deceit inhales sharply, as if there’s something stuck in his throat. Before Anxiety can even grow concerned for his well being, he breaths out a long dramatic sigh.

He rolls his eyes, smirking, “Alright, you caught me.”

“I did?”

“Yes. I was only lying to scare you out of crying,” Deceit assures him, “I didn’t mean to scare you into thinking we weren’t best friends still. Of course we are.”

“G-good,” Anxiety huffs, “don’t scare me like that, Dee, I don’t like it!”

“I won’t do it again, I promise,” Deceit says, his smirk fading a bit as he takes on a somber expression, “it still isn’t your fault for what happened, Virg--Anxiety. Neither I or any of the others think it is. They certainly despise you for it.”

“Despise?” Anxiety’s heart jumps a bit, “Oh! You mean...you’re saying...they don’t despise me?”

“I don’t know,” Deceit raises an eyebrow, “Why don’t you try reaching out? See what their fears tell you.”

Anxiety closes his eyes, sticking his tongue out in concentration. If he thinks super hard, he can envision everyone's fears like spider webs, branching all over the mindscape, interconnected in some ways and in others, completely disconnected in each side's little corner.

And he is the itsy bitsy spider, that scuttles about and maintains the webs to some degree. Because a little bit of fear is good, it helps keep Thomas alive. So he traces the webs and searching for what Dee suggested. There is one thread present, in every nook and cranny of the web, he searches, even in the splinter-offs. One fear that repeats and loops through the whole network that he has never seen before.

"Oh." Anxiety breathes, eyes widening. They're not afraid of him. They're afraid for him, worried about his safety and wellbeing. Anxiety doesn't know what to think of that.

[enthusiasticmusicalquotes]

QUESTION OF THE DAY #12: What is your opinion on theatre bootlegs? Spill as much or as little tea as you want.

MY ANSWER: it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to say there’s nothing good about them. i discovered a couple of my all time favorite shows through bootlegs, and when i was a high school/college-aged theatre nerd stuck in the midwest (which i still am, just a bit older now), they brought me a lot of comfort that i could relive my favorite shows again. that said, i can understand POVs re: they weren’t filmed with consent from the actors. however, actors who are speaking out against them need to realize that mainstream theatre needs to be made more accessible in one way or another for poor, disabled, and international theatre fans. tldr: bootlegs aren’t going to go away if celebrities disavow them, but theatre might be able to become more accessible if more of them talk on THAT instead of how evil bootlegs are.

SUMMARY OF ANSWERS: out of 41 responses: 21 were an enthusiastic heck yeah, 13 weren’t as enthusiastic but still along the lines of yeah i support them, 3 answers were like eh i can see both sides i guess/leaning towards no, and 4 people outright said nah bootlegs are not the answer. All the answers under the cut!

if you wanna fight or agree with anyone, refer to the # and send in an ask or reply to this.  

also: while i agree with much of what was said under the cut, i will not come out and say which ones i agree with and what i don’t. my opinion is above and that’s all you need to know about what i think. i do not necessarily condone or agree with anything below. okay, enjoy reading.

1. Anonymous said: I may not be the biggest fan, but I totally get why they exist and have watched a few when they pop up

2.  Anonymous said: for the qotd: bootlegs are godsends

3. Anonymous said: oh god i literally just went on a tangent on twitter just now but bootlegs good!!!! people willingly watch blurry footage of a show bcs they want to know what the show is like, want to experience it live. bway shows arent accessable for everyone (due to prices and distance) but ppl still want to know what its like performed on stage. bootlegs literally dont harm the community. ive seen poto boots, proshots and the tour yet id willingly pay 2 watch again. boots make theatre more accessable imo !!

4. Anonymous said: Boots are good to get a glimpse of different productions? Like even despite Proshots existing of certain musicals, I'd still be curious regarding other interpretations of it! And also besides this it definitely helps make shows accessable to people who physically cannot watch the show!

5. galactic-greens said: I truly see no harm in bootlegs as long as they are treated respectfully. While the creation and consumption is technically a crime, it by no means whatsoever makes you a bad person. It's essentially documenting theatre, and ensuring generations to come will be able to experience what could have been so fleeting. They maintain a community, and as long as NFT dates, masters, and general spread of bootlegs are respected then there really can be no problem. It's just a way to immortalize the art!

6. Anonymous said: On bootlegs: oftentimes they’re the only way someone could be able to see a show, because not everyone can afford the tickets or even the cost to just go to New York for a show. However, it should be acknowledged that filming obviously in the actors’ faces is pretty rude, but at the same time bootlegs at least give a chance for people like me to see shows I might never get to see otherwise.

7. Anonymous said: I love bootlegs because I don’t have the means to be able to travel to see shows or afford tickets, i also do theater and i feel like the point of the art is to share it as much as I can

8. Anonymous said: i've never seen a large-scale live show bc they are not accessible to me. bootlegs are amazing. truly glorious.

9.  Anonymous said: i understand that this is a rather unique experience, but i live in nyc, so bootlegs never measure up to the real thing for me. i know that this isn't something everyone can be lucky enough to say, but live theatre could never be captured in the form of a bootleg-- i don't even like released proshots as much as the real thing

10. Anonymous said: for me bootlegs are fine for those who can't see it live because of the price and they are living from another country though i know there are a lot of actors disagrees about it

11. Anonymous said: as someone who can't afford to go to a professional production of anything, absolutely gimme a bootleg. obviously I wouold prefer, like, a proshot of a show and I really hope that becomes more of the norm (I watched the Newsies proshot on Disney+ and had the happy wiggles for hours afterwards, and I can't wait for the Hamilton one to come out) but until that starts happening I'll take a bootleg any day.

12. Anonymous said: I like that it helps people get into fandoms/musicals that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise but I would prefer if theatres professionally films them.

13. maycombhoney said: they will be a part of theatre culture until live theatre is made accessible for more people

14. Anonymous said: bootlegs are great and until the theater community decides to produce pro-shots i’m all for them

15. zoueriemandzijnopmars said: I would personally feel kinda bad for watching bootlegs, because it won’t directly bring money to the people who worked on the show. I don’t judge people who do watch bootlegs though, because let’s face it, bootlegs are not a replacement for actually going to the theatre and it’s not gonna lose the creators actually money. It might even make them money, because people will listen to the album/buy tickets anyway when they can. I’d just personally be more comfortable watching a proshot

16. Anonymous said: I don't pretend bootlegs aren't stealing but whatever harm they do is abstract enough - and my decisions are drop-in-the-bucket enough - that I do it anyway

17. Anonymous said: I’m totally fine with bootlegs. I’ve watched so many of them that it wouldn’t be fair if I wasn’t. The fact is most people just aren’t able to see shows. Either they live too far away or they can’t afford it, and if this is the only way someone can experience a show, it’s better than never seeing it at all

18. Anonymous said: i think bootlegs are important for accessibility but i really wish more theatres would release proshots. i wouldn't even mind if it were after the broadway run or after the original cast is switched out, but i think it's valuable to have those recordings out during the run of the show to get more people interested and actually wanting to go out and see it. plus, if they're worried about money, they wouldn't *have* to be free. just cheaper than tickets and travel.

19. Anonymous said: about the question of the day, honestly i think bootlegs are fine as long as they're done respectfully and the filmers aren't distracting with it

20. locke-writes said: For the question of the day: If there’s absolutely no way I can see the show live or from a professional recording then I’m going to watch a bootleg. Theater should be more accessible and sometimes a bootleg is my only way to access a show. Having been part of film crews who have shot live theater I think a lot of the lack of pro recordings is the idea which that theater is difficult to record. It isn’t. Give me a pro shot show over a bootleg anyday but I’ll take what I can get

21. Anonymous said: My opinion on bootlegs is I prefer professional recordings ONLY because bootleg quality is terrible for my auditory processing problems and I hate the washed out quality. But since professional recordings are rare (unless you are, interestingly enough, Sight & Sound Theatre); for everyone else: BRING ON THE BOOTLEG! ~ Stripe Conlon

22. Anonymous said: Bootlegs are complicated! As a fan/consumer I think they’re okay, especially considering how inaccessible theatre is for people living in other countries, people who can’t afford to experience shows live, and disabled folks. But as someone who also performs, i understand that it can be distracting and legally complicated for actors who are trying to do their best and did not consent to being filmed that night. I just hope that pro shots will become more common.

23. penguinated said: Bootlegs are fine. They don't cost Broadway a thing since people will literally never not pay to see live shows (except during covid of course). and for many people, seeing a certain show with a certain cast will NEVER be possible, so what's the harm in watching the bootleg? The bootlegs aren't the problem, it's the inaccessibility of live theater, ESPECIALLY Broadway shows. If more things were available to stream (i.e. BroadwayHD) there wouldn't be a need for bootlegs. Bootleg away, imo.

24. Anonymous said: until theatre is made accessible to everyone and there is a proshot released for every show, bootlegs are absolutely necessary for the prosperity of theatre

25. Anonymous said: It's so sad that people think bootlegs are necessary! and it's even sadder that in a way they are. however, too many people use them as an excuse to not pursue alternate affordable alternatives for theatre (such as broadway hd, pursuing local shows including high school and college theatre, and utilizing legally free shows online). In addition, bootlegs absolutely CAN be unethically sourced- recordings of locally produced shows can get theaters in trouble and bankrupt them with legal fees. and if you're recording something from Broadway (which is fine imo usually), if you're actually making people PAY for your illegal recording, that's profiting off the work of others and is both very unethical and exploiting the very people many bootleggers claim to work for the benefit of. When it comes to bootlegs, it's one thing to pass around shows that have finished their runs on Broadway for free- but there's too much unethical and even HARMFUL bootleg behavior and it needs to stop.

26. Anonymous said: since Broadway is too rich and doesn't wanna spend money(for some reason) streaming their shows, then bootlegs are the only option.

27. Anonymous said: Theater is so inaccessible that bootlegs are necessary for a lot of people because with a lot of shows you can’t get a good idea of the show just from the soundtrack but people that share nft boots are assholes

28. Anonymous said: Bootlegs do more good than harm. Those against bootlegs are elitist and don't understand some people cant afford hundreds of dollars in theatre and plane tickets. Bootlegs make people crave the live experience more, a dark and shaky video with shit audio doesn't satiate the desire to see a show live. And if the show is closed all the more reason to watch a bootleg!

29. lynntjeeee said: Theatre bootlegs are amazing and are why there are fans. I live in a country with no musical theater (except the occasional sucky original production with a local celeb who can't sing) so if it not for bootlegs I wouldn't be able to watch any shows and wouldn't be a fan (thus not spending money on cast recordings, etc). People need to realise this, bootlegs do not harm the theater, in fact it only helps it. If there were official recordings, there would be many more fans (and thus more profit!)

30. Anonymous said: Opinion on bootlegs: They wouldn't be necessary if the theater industry would get with the times and release professional shots of their shows on streaming services/cable.

31. Anonymous said: I think that people are really overreacting about bootlegs. ESPECIALLY bootlegs if shows that have already closed- you may never get a chance to see that show! Ever! Now there’s an affordable and accessible way to see shows that people would kill and die for. It isn’t losing Broadway money, in fact it is bringing more people into the medium. Maybe if full proshots were more common I would feel differently, but since there is literally no other way, boots are fine.

32. Anonymous said: Bootleg opinion: just go absolutely hog wild. Fuck it. Be gay do crime.

33. Anonymous said: Bootlegs are one of the few things that are keeping me sane right now, plus the fact that not everyone has dat cash money to see the shows live, so yeah they're good stuff (as long as they are available online w/ at least vaguely good sound quality anyway 😆)

34. Anonymous said: I see it both ways. I can understand why those in the profession are against it; it’s their hard work that’s getting pirated. But I’m also poor. I have no access to theatre outside of cast albums and bootlegs. I don’t watch bootlegs because I personally feel guilty, but I will not and do not judge others if they do.

35. whatdoscissorsdo said: I think broadway bootlegs r okay?? eat the rich amirite

36. Anonymous said: I trade and watch bootlegs and don't plan on stopping, but I've recently realized that it must be super uncomfortable for actors to be filmed without their knowledge or consent, or just to have to have on their minds that they might be being recorded at any time in a performance. Like, I've happily watched Many™ Spring Awakening videos in the past year, but I doubt Alexandra Socha is that thrilled knowing there are videos up on YouTube of featuring her nude at age nineteen.

37. i-am-having-an-emotion said: they will remain a necessary evil until theater is more accessible to the masses. seeing real live theater is always better than a boot but literally like 95% of people can’t access live theater, especially at a broadway caliber, so like..... do The Poors not *deserve* theater??? what are we supposed to do BUT make bootlegs?

38. ope-okay said: bootlegs are blessings from heaven and no one can convince me otherwise

39. Anonymous said: I think it can really hype up the want for the musical. And a really good boot release can bring new creations to an otherwise small fandom. Personally I’m more interested in seeing the musicals I’ve seen boots of than the musicals I haven’t

40. Anonymous said: On the topic of bootlegs, I think they’re great but like especially for people who do not have the means to go see the shows during their runs, I feel like if you do have the means to go see the show you should do that instead

41. Anonymous said: I have a REALLY hard time with bootlegs. Because artists deserve to be paid for their work, and there are a whole host of copywriter issues that come with the mass production of a show. In addition though, I understand the anger you feel at not getting to see a show live, however there are so many resources available to help people get the idea of their favorite show even if they never see it. Honestly Wikipedia is my favorite resource, as often that has a full synopsis of the show. I’ll read that and then listen to the recording a bunch so I can understand the story and imagine what it may look like. A lot of shows put clips on YouTube, the Macy’s parade, the Tony Awards, NBC does a whole broadway week, there are so many ways that you can get glimpses into these shows without resorting to bootlegs (which at this point are still illegal) I’m not a supporter of the “theater must be seen live” idea. While I LOVE live theater (and as a performer I like feeding off an audience) but I’ve see shows with just proshots or just the movie version and they are still just as good. Unfortunately I think the only way we’re are going to make theater more accessible to audiences is through time. Bootlegs I think only make people less inclined to record shows and mass produce them. There are a whole lot of legal things that go into that as well. What I can say is what I’ve done. Read up on the show, watch all the clips you can, sometimes scripts are posted online maybe read those, listen to the album, look at pictures. It SUCKS that theater is exclusive, but bootlegs are not the solution.

let me repeat: if you wanna fight or agree with anyone, refer to the # and send in an ask or reply to this post.

[nonchalantsanders]

Back at it with my terrible Predictions but maybe this time they won't be so bad because we have a trailer and that's never happened before

I've been making these prediction posts for a few years now, I think I've yet to get anything right, but that's because I keep bringing up Roman's arc and Deceit's "redemption" (read: acceptance)/name reveal. I don’t think as far as personal arcs go, not too much is going to be resolved. After DWIT tensions were increased everywhere expect with Logan. Roman was upset, Patton felt guilty, and Virgil felt Extra Guilty enough to the point of telling Thomas that he used to be a Dark Side. Logan left at what I think is his peak at the end of the most recent episode as Thomas properly acknowledge how helpful and “cool” he is. Everyone else on the other hand... they’re a mess, and so is this post. I just kinda streamlined my thoughts so this isn’t an organized list like I usually do. All of my thoughts are intertwined into this one idea that Roman is going to be extremely Not Okay At All and how that is going to impact the story and character interaction. It has a lot to do with Deceit and Patton, obviously. A lot of these ideas are very orignially, but they make sense to me. If they don’t make sense to you, call me out on it!

Remus was introduced intentionally between SvS parts 1 and 2 because at the end of part 1, NOBODY was listening to what Deceit was actually trying to say. The other sides and Thomas aren’t acknowledging him as the self-preservation he actually is. Since Deceit was being completely disregarded he said “there are smarter ways to get people to do what you want anyways,” then enter Remus. SvS pt 1 had a whole lot to do with Roman and Patton as they both represent the assest of Thomas that serve a purpose in attending the Callback and attending the Wedding. In the trailer, Roman, Patton, and Thomas are the ONLY characters shown. AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE to see some conflict from where we left Virgil, I’m not counting on the other sides being too present. I think this is going to be a “Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning” style Roman vs Patton post wedding reception. 

Something has to have gone terribly wrong for Thomas to say “What the F*ck, Everybody” in place of the usualy “What is up, everybody?” I really like the wrong date idea that people tossed around back in March. If the day of the wedding was wrong and Thomas missed/cancelled his callback, that would warrant the exteremly emotional and angered tone shown in the trailer. AND IF this is the case, that would have a lot to do with Logan that doesn’t make sense. Logan is always correcting the others, especially Deciet. If Logan also messed up the Wedding date, that would explain why the callback was in his calendar without Deceit tampering with the evidence, but it also leads to me to ask why the wedding wasn’t visible on Logan’s calendar at all. Logan is very proud of how organized he is and what infinitesimal amount of mistakes he’s made has really stuck with him. Logan wouldn’t have just let the others believe the events were actually conflicting unless he has something to gain from them fighting. Logan is fairly morally gray when emotions are involved and he uses his reason to explain that Thomas has more to lose if he misses the wedding and he also has more to gain by attending the callback. Deciet’s distinction between the two was used to prove his point, but is also demonstrates that Logan as a side really doesn’t have anything to contribute in this discussion. IF the wrong date theory is right, than Logan may have a bigger role in the discussion with Patton and Roman, but I don’t think it’s likely that he would make that big of a mistake.

As for what else may be the main conflict, it likely has to do with the shadow figure in the pixel art. Maybe the ex boyfriend from Moving On? Who were the sides that were particularly invested in Moving On? Roman and Patton. With help from Virgil, these boys are the most emotional and fragile, but they are also the most In Sync. They are always supporting each other (Designing sweaters together, bouncing puns off each other, and Patton taking care of Roman after flopping the audition TO NAME A FEW) and they’ve never really clashed before. The only instance I could think of was in Moving On, when Roman suggested texting the ex that it was an accidental buttdial and Patton immediately shuts it down saying “Lying is wrong” (more on that in a moment). Roman goes Big Stupid when boys are involved and I think if there were to be any reason that he and Patton would fight, I think it would be about Patton endlessly trying to prove Thomas’s selflessness as he tries to make him a “better person” while Roman is defending what is labelled as “selfishness” while trying to obtain accolades or true love. 

Jumping back to the lying bit: Roman is okay with lying. He makes this clear in ‘Can Lying Be Good:’ “Well there goes the acting profession. I mean never lying at all?” Even though Logan makes the distinction between acting and lying, Roman doesn’t seem to see the difference as he is the only other side to continously bring up using excuses as a means to help Thomas (the butt dial, aunt patty in the hospital, etc.). After the introduction of Remus, and skipping the callback, Roman is probably the most fragile of all of them (Virgil is probably a close second) and knowing that he wanted Deceit to win the trial probably makes him feel worse because Deceit is the “bad guy” and a “dark side.” It’s probably devastating to him that he wanted to side with Deceit which is why he forced Thomas to go to the Wedding. In a way, Roman also has experience with self-preservation but only this instance is at his own expense. The difference between Deceit and Roman’s self-perservation is the Deceit believes his actions are for the best of everyone while Roman doesn’t want the others to think that he’s selfish so he “denies his purpose” in order to do so. ADDITIONALLY, at the end of DWIT, after Roman woke up, he said that he came to a realization bUT THEN HE NEVER STATD WHAT THAT REALIZATION WAS! He’s afraid of Remus because Remus is everything that Roman doesn’t want to be and the whole point of introducing Remus was to get to Roman as per Deceit’s agenda. What Deceit wants from Roman is obvious: to stop forcing himself to act selfless like Patton would prefer him to. 

I’ve been talking about Roman’s arc for 5ever because since Virgil’s redemption, he hasn’t really, fully, completely been okay. A brief list:

Lowering his guards and biting his pride to help Virgil, a dark side

Making Thomas hurt months after a breakup and causing trouble for Patton

Writing a bad line for Virgil and his excuse was: “I have a lot going on right now!”

The line “I feel so used” at the end of ‘Can Lying Be Good.’

“Roman, you dunce! You’ve made a joke, and now they’ll think that everthing’s fine!”

And let’s not forget Deceit catching him in a lie, calling him out for denying his purpose as one of Thomas’s sides, and purposfully releasing Remus in the wild probaly knowing that Remus was going to smack Roman upside the head with a mace the first chance he got as well as serve as painful reminder to Roman that his purpose isn’t being Thomas’ creativty because someone else also serves that purpose. I think the introduction of Remus serves as a reminder the Roman that he is NOT exclusively Thomas’ Creativity and that Roman needs to emphasize his role as Thomas’ aspirations more. AND THAT brings me full circle as to why it has to be and why it’s so important that Roman is fighting as Thomas’s selfishness. These weren’t really predictions so much as they were speculations and observations, but I’m honestly just writing this to feel productive because I have 3 final exam papers due in a week and I haven’t touched any of them yet whoops!

tldr: Roman is big sad and big gay. He’s been denying his purpose in order to have his Best Friend’s (Patton’s) approval for not contributing towards BadPerson!Thomas. SvS pt 2 as Roman vs Patton is so important because the introduction of Remus made Roman come to this realization. 

[centhands]

Truth or Dare - Noah Centineo Smut

AN: OK YA’LL, SO I haven’t written a fic or one shot in about, oh god I don’t know, SEVEN FUCKING YEARS?!?!?!?!? I was all about hazza back in the day but tbh there is some SERIOUS DIRE NEED for NOAH FUCKING CENTINEO SMUT on here and I cannot believe I wrote one?? Just spent the last 3 hours on it, instead of sleeping. It might be bad but idk it’s at least ONE MORE NOAH SMUT SHOT?? Idk :///// lemme know what you think!! It’s super long pls bear with me I TEND TO ALWAYS WRITE NOVELS OH GEE LOOK AT THIS LONG AF AN!!

TLDR: you’re about to play truth or dare (kind of?????) with Noah fucking Centineo. PLEASE SIT DOWN BC FILTHY SMUT IS ON THE WAY!!!!
Hope you enjoy, let me know if you do!! (Pls message me I need friends and followers on tik tok, jk, only jking about tik tok, I really need friends

…………………………………………………………………….

You gazed at the clock once again, for the what was actually the thousandth time that night. 11:00PM on the dot. To make matters worse, it was a Friday. Not only could you not fall asleep for shit, but the daunting thought of being home alone on a Friday night, only made your insomnia worse.

You sighed as you rolled out of bed and walked lazily to your living room. As you plopped down on your couch, you decided to open up Instagram. While scrolling through your feed, you happened to notice you had a message notification. You clicked on it and instantly a smile lit up your face. A photo of your best friend, and roommate, Noah, with a sad, puppy dog face and a pair of nerdy 3D glasses. The simple message is what really did you in. “Wish you were here. Xo.”

You and Noah had been best friends for the last five years and have been living together for two. You’ve loved him since you met him. His gorgeous eyes, his toned body, his adorable, dorky smile, his hearty laugh. It all made you melt.

You were completely in love with him and he had no fucking clue.

It was absolutely frustrating, to be quite honest. At times, you get so fed up that you just want to pack up, leave, and go start over somewhere else, hoping you’ll forget all about Noah Centineo. Forget all the times he hugged you tightly and wiped your tears away as you cried. Forget all the movie and dinner dates you had gone on, one of the best parts being your spitball fights. Forget all those times he’d tell you he could never sleep, and he’d ask you to just lay with him until he dozed off, saying he just needed a quick cuddle before bed. Forget all of the little, most adorable, seemingly insignificant (but actually meant the whole world to you) moments you both had shared together.
But you knew there was no way that could or would ever happen. You were absolutely smitten.

You noticed he had sent that message over two hours ago. His guy friends had declared it their “Boys Night Out” and decided to go see a thriller 3D film. He looked so cute in those glasses..

You felt your phone buzz and noticed Noah had just texted you.

“Hey, you up? Be home in five. Let’s hangoutttttttttttt! :) Movie sucked. Should have just stayed home with you and watched Clueless for the 18th time. That bad.” He wrote.

You scoffed and instantly replied, “How dare you insult Clueless. Not sure if I can hangout with assholes who insult classic chick flicks.”

“I’ll have you know I’m well versed in chick flick classics. If you can honestly call that a classic….. yikes.”

You laughed, as you typed your response. “You’re evicted. Goodnight.”

“The lease is in my name, love. Let me in little bo peep, I’m outside.”

“We don’t take our keys anymore, now?” You inquired, as he strutted through the door, popping his collar to perfect his extra sassy entrance.

“Nope,” he said, popping the P, “I have them. Just wanted to annoy you and get greeted by your lovely face.” He said, wearing his proud smirk.

“Well, that trip from the couch to the front door made me tired. I’m going to bed,” You jokingly said, turning around to play into it.

“Noooooooo,” he whined, running over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind you, “Be nice to me!”

You felt yourself getting weak in the knees, your head spinning and your stomach churning. You didn’t know how much longer you could possibly put off kissing this boy. Especially when he put on his cute act like this. He could be so sarcastic one minute and so fucking cute the next. How were you supposed to control yourself?

“Okay, okay,” you said laughing, collecting yourself after what felt like an hour but had only been a few seconds. “What should we do?”

“I think it’s been quite a while since a proper game of “Truth or Dare”, wouldn’t you say, (Y/L/N)?” He asked, winking at you. Oh, this fucking boy.

“Of all things to do on a Friday night at 11:15, you want to play Truth or Dare?” You asked, giving him only slight fake tude, crossing your arms over your chest while smiling at him.

He grinned. “As a matter of fact, I do. Sit down. I’ll start.” He finished, patting the spot next to him on the couch.

You rolled your eyes but listened anyway, getting comfy next to him while you waited for him to start.

“Y/N, truth or dare?” Noah asked, staring at you intently.

“Truth.”

“Do you still sleep with your nightlight?”

“Um, DUH! You know it gets way too dark in our apartment with these dark ass curtains you picked! I refuse to be tortured because you like to sleep in and not know the sun has risen!”

“That was obviously a touchy subject. My girl thinks the curtains are too dark. Noted.” He laughed as he spoke, obviously getting a kick out of you. He always did.

He would randomly throw in the, “My girl,” comment whenever you would get a bit snarky with him. He always pointed out how you two were already like a married couple. The playful banter would sometimes solicit him making those couply jokes, and as much as they made you melt, you would also realize it didn’t mean what it did to you, to him.

“Hello! Earth to, Y/N! It’s my turn!”

“Sorry. Uh, tr-Truth or dare, Noah?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to go ding dong ditch someone on the 5th floor.” You said, looking down at the ground.

“Y/N, you’re so boring. And I’m way too cozy to be getting up for something so childish right now,” he smirked. “I might as well give myself a dare.”

“Well, why don’t you go on then, Mr. Too Cool For Lame Dares?” You chuckled, looking at him now.

He suddenly got a little more serious, which you knew meant business. He was always lighthearted and happy go lucky. Of course when situations called for it, he was an absolute rock. He gave the best advice, best pep talks and words of encouragement, and you always felt like you had someone on your side. Something must have been weighing on him.

He licked his lips before he spoke. He started slow, “Alright then,” he said, letting out a small nervous, and slightly unsure laugh. “I…. I Dare myself to kiss you, Y/N.”

“You.. what?” Had you heard him right?

“I dare.. I fucking dare myself to fucking kiss you. It’s all I’ve been wanting and needing. This has literally been on my mind for way too long now and it’s driving me crazy. You’re driving me crazy,” he rambled on, his eyes fixated on you for your reaction. “I can’t keep pretending like every time I see you, or every time we hug that I don’t just wanna hold your face and kiss the fuck outta you,” he finished.

You were stunned, mouth open. Speechless, really.

He cleared his throat, his voice sounding much raspier, and sexier, as he reinstated, “So, as long as you’re okay with it and maybe want that too, I dare myself to kiss you.”

“Noah.. I-Uh.. okay,” you silently answered, looking at him with big eyes. You didn’t know how to react, you were worried it was some kind of joke. It didn’t seem real. This handsome, amazing guy, wanting you just as much as you wanted him?

“Okay,” he breathed out a laugh; his breath had hitched as he answered.

He kept his eyes on you as you both slowly leaned in. You closed your eyes and the instant you did that you felt his lips on yours and honestly, you could have cried. Everything felt so right and everything was hazy. You felt yourself get more comfortable and more into the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck. His hands found your face, as he pulled away from you for a second, eliciting a quiet whimper from you.

“I cannot begin to express how long I’ve wanted this for. And I really cannot explain how beautiful I think you are. Everything about you, Y/N. You’re all I think about. All I thought about while watching that dumb movie was how small and delicate your hands are, how good your hair smells, how your smile literally lights up my day.” He then dropped the contact from your eyes to your neck as he dipped low and kissed your sweet spot. “How badly I want to be with you,” he continued on, sucking your neck a little bit this time. “How badly I need you.”

“Oh Noah,” you moaned, “I want you too. I want you to be mine. I want to be yours. I need you. I really fucking need you.” You were panting at this point, as he was still sucking your neck. You weren’t sure how but you realized at this point your fingers were wrapped between his curls and his breath was shaky against your skin.

“Fuck love. Are you sure you want this? I promise I do, I just want to be sure this is what you want too. I just want you happy, Y/N. I’ve been in love with you from the moment I met you, and I’ve been so nervous to fuck this up. I can’t lose you,” he said, looking back into your eyes, searching to make sure you were okay with what was about to happen.

His words had reassured you, and you finally felt a weight lifted off your shoulders. You gently kissed him, and felt him get into it, lips lightly caressing yours, tongue skimming your bottom lip. You pulled away to say, “I’ve never been so sure, Noah. I’m in love with you too. Always have been. Pretty sure I always will be. Kinda hoping that’s not too honest, but I’m just trying to keep it real,” you laughed a bit.

Noah laughed too, and replied, “You silly, silly girl. You think that honesty of yours isn’t one of the main reasons why I’m so head over heels for you? You’d have thought that in the five years you would have picked up a clue on one of my many obvious signs. Dork,” he teased.

Before you had a moment to retaliate, his hands wandered to your hips and he pulled you in for the most passionate kiss you’ve ever received. He kissed you so gently, yet so fervently, you felt your body turning to mush. He slightly tugged the tips of your hair and you moaned into mouth, allowing him access to slip his tongue in. His warm tongue glided over yours and softly caressed yours. He made you feel so fucking sexy by just kissing, you couldn’t imagine how he could make you feel kissing other parts of you or doing other things with other parts.

You’d only hoped you’d ever be able to find this out. It was your lucky fucking day.

You shifted your body to lay more into him and rested your hand in his lap, only to hear him let out a guttural moan. You’d been so into the heated kiss you hadn’t realized you were a bit further into his lap than you thought and you’d been grazing his dick.

This time, you smirked at him, and went right back in for the kiss, slightly palming him through his jeans, feeling him getting harder with each second that passed by.

“Fuck, Y/N, you make me fucking crazy. You make me feel so good,” he half whimpered, his voice, and his cock, straining.

“C’mere,” he muttered, easily picking you up and shifting you onto his lap. “That’s better,” he grinned cheekily, his hands now resting on your ass.

He put his hand behind your head and pulled you in for another hot kiss. He had one hand resting on your ass, and his other was used to tangle your hair around his fingers. He deepened the kiss by adding his tongue, and you felt your panties absolutely pooling. You needed friction and you were quite sure he definitely wouldn’t mind some.

You stood up, having to break the kiss and having Noah pout at you, to take off your pants. You went to get back on Noah, but he grabbed you gently to stop you. “Tsk, tsk,” he tutted at you. “I believe you’re still wearing too much clothing down there,” he said, pointing to your panties.

“Well, don’t you think the person who has a problem with them, should be the one removing them?” You quizzed, your voice sounding extra sultry and turning Noah on even more so if possible.

“That’s definitely,” he started, getting on his knees in front of you, his head right below your waist, “Not a problem.”

As he finished his sentence, you were a bit confused, but that only lasted a second. He made his way to the elastic band of your panties and locked his teeth into it, pulling them completely off, and pulling you back onto his lap, in one slow, seductive yet swift move.

“That’s better,” he sexily smirked, once again resting his hands on your, now bare, ass.

You decided to be the bold one, and begin to move on him, wrapping your arms around his neck. Slowly grinding down on his hardened cock over his jeans, the pressure feeling absolutely out of this world on your clit. You could tell Noah was into it too. Besides his hooded eyes resting directly on your face and his soft moans, his hands were pushing your ass back and forth on him and slightly down a bit, so it felt better for both of you.

You started slow, yes, but fuck, Noah was fucking packing and you couldn’t help but pick up the pace. You started grinding your hips faster, and that still wasn’t enough. Noah felt that you needed more so he pressed down a bit harder and pushed you a bit quicker back and forth over his cock. You couldn’t help but stare down at where your clit was rubbing his jeans and notice the big wet spot pooled on his pants. It felt so dirty, so raw, so fucking hot. Noah’s hands travelled to your tits, as he started to squeeze while you kept your fast rhythm, humping your bare pussy over his jeans.

“Fuck, Y/N.. I feel- I feel you through my jeans. You’re soaking. I need your shirt off. Now. Fuck,” he strained, his voice so raspy and needy.

He removed your shirt quickly, and proceeded to finally remove all of his clothes in one take. You took to your new found favorite place, yet again, on his lap and slowly lowered yourself onto him. You started grinding on his cock again, teasingly slow. The instant your dripping pussy touched his tip, he let out a moan from his belly, a long, dragged out, “Fuuuuuuuuuck.”

He flipped you over so you were beneath him on the couch. Both of you were silently thanking yourselves for deciding to purchase the couch from Ikea that turns into a flat sofa, big enough to be a bed.

He brought a finger to your mouth, in which you happily obliged and allowed him to put his finger tip in and you began to suck on it. He watched you from above, his mouth in a slight “o” shape, precum leaking from his dick from being so fucking goddamn turned on by you.

He removed his finger from your mouth and brought it between your legs and toyed with your slit, expertly gathering up your juices, and slowly bringing his fingers to your clit to rub circles.

“Noah, just like that. Right there. Feels so— yeah, feels so fucking good, Daddy,” you said, trying to wind him up. You had called him it as a joke previously one day during another playful fight, and he tensed up for a bit and shortly went to his room after. You now had a slight hunch as to why.

“Oh my god, Y/N. What are you doing to me?” He moaned, slipping a finger between your folds and then slowly entering your warm, wet, pussy. “You’re so fucking tight. God, I can’t wait to feel my girl wrapped around me. You’re gonna feel so good, love. I’m gonna make you feel so. Fucking. Good.” As he finished his sentence he gave you a couple of nice pumps with his fingers, as he added another one in somewhere along the way and it only heightened your pleasure.

You were a moaning mess and needed him. You weren’t beneath begging. In fact, it turned you on. You wanted Noah to have his absolute fucking way with you.

“Please, I need you Noah. I need you,” you whimpered, feeling his dick now pressed between your folds, slowly grinding up and down on your swollen clit.

“Mmmm, my girl is so polite right now, isn’t she?” He toyed, moving his head down to suck your nipple whilst staring at your eyes.

“Please, Noah. I need to feel your big dick inside me. I need you to fuck me so good that I can’t fucking walk after. I need you to be so deep inside me that all I know is you and your name. I need you to cum for me. Please,” you begged, whimpering as he was still sucking, and now moaning, on your tender nipples.

“You don’t have to fucking ask twice. Especially when you sound so sexy begging for me, love.” He stated, bringing his lips closer to your ear, “I’m going to be the best fuck you’ve ever had. You won’t remember anyone before me, and there certainly will be no one after me, I’ll make fucking sure, love. Grab my shoulders, babe. Or pull my hair. Your call,” he whispered, sucking your ear lobe at the end of his cocky speech. It only made you that much more soaked. You were dripping on his thigh that had been pressed between your legs during the duration. He also noticed this, as he said, “Mmmm, I love feeling you on my thigh. You’re fucking drenched.”

“All for you,” you whispered, totally out of breath at this point. How the fuck did you end up here, naked, under your best friend who you’ve been in love with for all these years, whose also naked and has just professed his love for you, as well? Um, WHO FUCKING CARES, WE GOT HERE!

He slipped a condom on and positioned himself at your entrance. “Like I said, let your hands roam wherever they choose. I’m gonna take you on the ride of your fucking life, princess.”

He slowly entered you, neither of you being able to contain the moans that erupted in your bellies. “Shit,” Noah whimpers, as one of his hands grabs onto the end of the couch, the other around your waist, “You feel so amazing. So warm, so wet. So. Fucking. Tight.”

He was all the way inside you, balls fucking deep. He slowly slipped back out and all the way back in, his cock caressing your insides and making you feel as though you could already cum all over him. You had your head in his neck as he continued pumping himself in and out of you, and you started sucking on his neck.

“Yeah, fuck, that feels so good. You feel so good. Fuck. I can’t believe we waited this long. I love you so much, Y/N. My god, fuck. You’re so fucking tight for me.” Noah said, panting after every other word.

“Oh, I love you too. So much. Shit, yeah Noah! Oh my god, right fucking there, Daddy! You feel so fucking good. Your big cock all the way inside my pussy, you get so fucking deep. My god, go faster. Yeah. Please, please keep fucking going,” you moaned, your voice definitely raising an octave.

“Fuck,” Noah whimpered, pumping faster to keep up with your demands, as he locks eyes with you, his mouth completely open as he slams in and out of you while keeping his fast pace. The couch is shaking and it’s only elevating the sex appeal of the entire situation.

Noah can tell you’re getting close, and he’s feeling like he could bust at any second, so he brings his fingers down to rub fast, hard circles on your clit, while he pumps quickly in and out of you.

“Fuck, Noah, yes. Oh my god, yessssssss! Keep fucking going, just like that,” you yell, turning Noah on more and more with each second that passes. He feels as though he can combust just fucking watching you. You’re absolutely perfect.

“Yeah, you like when I’m fucking you so hard and playing with that pretty pussy of yours? You like when I take care of you huh, my girl? I want you to let me know how fucking good you feel. Let everyone in the building know who’s making you feel this good, love. Cum on my cock, Y/N,” he panted and moaned, sounding just as close to his release as you were.

“Yeah Noah, you make my pussy feel so fucking good. Right there, you’re hitting my spot fuck. I’m gonna cum all over you, fuck. Oh fuck, yeah please, oh my god I’m cumming, Noah!” You yelled, definitely loud enough for all of the neighbors on the 7th floor to know exactly what you’re doing and whose doing it to you. You released all over him, your ears ringing and legs shaking. Your body felt ignited in a way you’ve never experienced before. You wanted him to cum so bad. You needed to see him cum. Ultimately, you needed to be the reason he had to cum. “Fuck, Noah, please cum for me. I need to watch you fall apart on top of me. I need you to show me how good I make you feel. Let me know how much you love my pussy,” you panted, pushing him to his release and his thrusts getting sloppier.

“Fuck, you’re so filthy. My feisty, dirty girl. Who knew you had such a filthy mouth? You’re gonna make me cum, Y/N. Oh fuck, yeah love, fuck I love you. Oh, yeah, shit,” Noah moaned, voice literally raspier than ever as he slammed his hand down on the end of the couch, gripping it for dear life. You felt his cock twitch inside you and his face scrunched up while he moaned inaudible words and chanted your name and he released into the condom, still inside of you, locking eyes with you just as he had cum but he had to close his eyes from the pleasure being so intense.

His body collapsed onto yours, and you wrapped your arms around him, as you both came down from your highs. He was silently tracing shapes on your arm while his head was resting in the crook of you neck, planting small kisses to the spots he had sucked on earlier.

As you both finally caught your breaths, he lifted his head and caught your eyes. He raised his hand to brush away a piece of hair that clung to your sweaty face, as he sweetly and softly laughed.

“I can’t believe I went to that dumb fucking movie and came home to tell you how in love with you I am,” he said, smiling down at you.

“All thanks to a solid game of truth and dare that hardly took off,” you chuckled, staring right back into his gorgeous, sweet eyes.

“Shit,” he said, realizing you hardly got through the game. He smirked, “Y/N, truth or dare?” He asked, as he grabbed your hand.

“I’m too tired for another one of your kind of dares.. Truth,” you said, snorting as you laughed.

He kissed you gently before placing his lips at your ear and whispered, “Will you be my girlfriend?”

[ravenwings-noyreallyback]

Emotions and socialist theory

This is long as fuck but I think it's important and it's broken up by topic. Tldr stop telling people they need to read a book, stop shitting on potential allies, and start asking them what they're thinking about, what worries them, and appeal to those feelings with emotionally honest radical wholesomeness of your own.

---

I want to do something in the local person to person community that gets to people. Something to get people interested and invested in small ways that can grow legs and develop something good, and isn't bogged down in Party Politics.

People know the world's bad. They know capitalism sucks. They don't need a book or a working theory. They need hope and action.

The situation

People are feeling shock, panic, depression about the news in general. Nothing can be done etc.

People feel a sense of being a burden on others when they express that. People want to tip toe around things so as not to freak everyone out. To avoid the morbid grief and anger and fear. They still have it but nobody wants to talk about it in a personal way.

People have a need to express that fear but not in a therapy kinda way, or rather the therapy way would make it very very difficult to maintain and do appropriately for even skilled activists. Folks talk about not pouring from an empty cup? This is like trying to fill a bathtub with a cup and the tub isn't plugged.

Marx wrote a lot about alienation from daily life, not just economic job alienation. Similar to today?

People like radical compassionate sensitivity. There's a need for that.

People don't want a fuckin art installation theatre play or a communist party paper article thing they won't read. If you're reading this it's a fucking miracle. Nobody wants "here's the economic theory about why you're sad and what to do about it maybe it'll work if literally everyone does it" tbh. They engage in memes, in self destructive self care, hedonistic stress eating, drinking, sex etc. And that's okay. That's honestly probably good. Better than being depressed and doing nothing. But they can't go too hard because they don't have to put much time into because life's busy. Fuck is it busy. And every moment you try to get someone to go do theory based activism that isn't Shock and Awe or Radical Wholesomeness, it's just a dull hell grind.

The dsa in the states and corbynism in the uk is good actually, fuck it, for all their problems the ndp in Canada are worth working with. Leftists saying they're all bad because they're socdem really discount a couple things.

A, the massive political emotional energy behind those movements lately.

B, the people in those movements that are absolutely skeptical at least of capitalism. And many are legitimately radical but sticking with it because it's a structure to organize in.

Some history

Marx wrote during a time where theorists were bogged up in utopian socialism, where there were ideals of the kind of world they wanted to live in, but no means to make it happen. Marx wrote it to apply to everyday life in the industrial revolution, and establish an actionable plan for a better world.

Now today, things are in the rosiest of terms, not looking better in a lot of ways, and not optimistic in any. People are almost crying out for some emotional honesty and vulnerability and wholesomeness and just general heartfelt spirituality and human connection in uncertain times. Do I need to tell you how much the youth of today like games and shows that have this zeal of positivity these days? How much energy there is in queer movements? (oh yeah if you're anti LGBT, or honestly even just passively okay with it but not enthusiastic in your socialism, you will be left in the dust by today's movements tbh.)

Marx of course wrote a bit about that alienation shallowness of society thing in terms of talking about cultural alienation (more than just jobs) and the use of religion to people who have nothing else, etc.

Current responses

Today in response to that alienation, we've got irony poisoned reactionaries who don't want to engage with reality, and when they do, hide behind layers of "just kidding" etc and generally want to distance themselves from their victims. Big focus on nostalgia for when things made more sense, idealistic past worlds that never really existed in the first place. Maga and qanon conspiracies about how it all fits together and there's actually a pattern in the chaos. They end up isolated from all but their echo chambers until the pain of not being able to relate to society in healthy ways makes them go and do terrorism out of their conviction that the world is so broken and their way is right.

Meanwhile, good voices with good spiritually connective ideas like the almost saturday morning shoujo cartoon optimism and heart of Marianne Williamson connects with people, but offers no substance (and is backwards as fuck when it does) and proposes a world where if we hope hard enough, we can stop hurricanes and shootings. All for the benefit of selling self help books and crystals. But people still eat that up because it's hopeful and optimistic and fuckin romantic. People go nuts for that kind of optimism. Why don't we have that with good faith?

We do, but not enough of it. Artists and people who are out there pouring their hearts out are doing that good shit. But we need more of that. Hell the dsa is better at inspiring people to get involved with it than the left is.

Voices combining hope and reason and sincerity like AOC and the squad bring what people need, but tearing them down for not being radical enough is kind of stupid. The far left isn't organizing to connect this message of hope to people. We've got cynical takes and hell world worst timeline jokes. We've got theory as dry as Lenin's preserved corpse. We're right about the world being this awful, but God damn that's depressing.

Good responses in the past and today

I think the black panthers got this. They knew this and spoke to it. It was community solidarity first and foremost. People joined up and felt good about it being the right thing to do. It threatened the government in ways no internal western movement ever has, except probably the IRA but I'm not that spicy.

Regardless black panthers good. Standing rock good. Ferguson good. Unist'ot'en good. Antifa good. Soup kitchens and food banks good. Unions good when they actually stand up and challenge unfairness beyond their immediate industry connections. But throwing books by musty ass old men (and Rosa) hasn't worked. Even when they're right and relevant is still an implicit way of just saying "read more and maybe once enough people understand the theory, the revolution will come".

Still read, but don't tell other people to read unless they ask is all. Reading won't inspire revolution. Newspapers and blogs won't either. Informative podcasts aren't.

It's not gonna come that way. People don't respond to theory. Fuck, people barely care about facts.

Idea

Anti theory Theory: peoples' desires for emotionally honest and sensitive narratives isn't reflected in our theory at present. Potentially in part due to the materialist foundations of marxism, and certainly in the often dry motivations and spurs to resistance and revolution, which seems far off and at odds with the timeline of climate change that is weighing on peoples minds. Yes making good differences isn't a timeline thing, but people feel pressure to do it, which makes them even less effective at doing community action. Fear of collapse replaces will to revolt. People want to do something certainly, but lack the emotional connection to revolution. You could say something about base and superstructure being at odds, but I'm not as fluent in those ideas as I'd have to be to articulate.

Regardless, people want hope. Not as a slogan or buzzword, but as an action and a personal connection. They know society's in a bad place. They know there's something deeply wrong with capitalism, if not in general then at least with how it's being used right now. But when theory speaks mostly of society, or our place in it, but never asks "hey, you seem kinda hurt... how are you doing? What's on your mind? Can I listen?", people feel disenfranchised.

So on that hopeless emotional raw angst? Maybe folks just want to be heard and given permission to talk about the things they're told not to talk about? Climate anxiety, job stress, wanting someone to just talk to because social media is alienating and brief and temporal. Like, I'm not gonna interview them, but the right wing reactionaries are scared too. That's why they do what they do. Or at least that's what leads them into the irony poisoned spaces they go to.

Maybe some kind of local project of interviews in a humans of new york kinda way, or a postsecret way, or some other kind of way to ask and get people to tell us "here's what I'm thinking about that I'm afraid to tell even my best friend or my wife" "here's what scares me" "here's what I care about".

Maybe take some time to map out the things people are talking about? Use that as a source of identifying needs. Any excuse to get out there and listen to people instead of telling them things, which they won't always be ready for anyway.

Dunno how much solidarity it would build or who it would reach but it can open up conversations, not to radicalize but just to build a sense of human compassion and connection? Because really, if there's gonna be a left movement that takes off and gets things done, it's not coming from the communist parties, it's not coming from existing anarchist movements, it's gonna be something new and multilateral. People don't respond to theory they respond to emotions and passion projects and stories that get to them and tell them they're not alone. Hell, people say populism is bad? No, it's been used by bad people, but it's just another tool to get people on your side. And thinly veiled racism is only one direction it can take. Populism can help us if we're just straight up about compassion and empathy and listening.

Just fucking close your mouth and open your ears I guess is the point. If we want to be vanguards, we want to know where the movements are, facilitating them, not creating them ourselves.

And that takes listening.

[oberlinexecutivefunctioning-blog]

What is Downshifting?

TLDR; You are allowed not to work at 100% capacity all the time.  Make sure to figure out what recovery and emergency states mean for you and your executive functioning.  (Reach out to an EF tutor if you need help!)

The basic premise of downshifting follows pretty closely to its name.  When you want to go faster, you shift your car into a higher gear; when you want to go slower or especially if you fear slipping on ice or snow, you shift into a lower gear.  Organizing your life can work in a similar way.  When you feel confident and stable, you can live your life in high gear, but when you feel yourself wobbling, it’s time to shift into a lower gear for your own safety.  

Downshifting different for everyone, but usually the concepts centers around understanding your limits.  If I didn’t have depression and anxiety and gender dysphoria at my heels, I would always be a morning person who reads lots of books and goes out with my friends on a Saturday night.  So, when I have my depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria pretty under control with the help of chemicals, therapists, and an amazing support system I have grown over the years, I live like that guy.  I wake up at 7am every morning and meditate for 30 minutes before having a large breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fresh berries.  And I love it.  

But I’m not always going to be able to be that guy.  I’ve struggled with this a lot as I think anyone with a chronic illness has.  I used to beat myself up about ruining my own happiness and how I “always do this.” The various commitments I had made before my inevitable spiral – birthday parties, work hours, meetings – became reasons that I was a terrible friend, employee, person.  I had no way to handle the always-unexpected dissolution of my perfect, stable happiness.  

Now-a-days if I notice I am feeling low or if I recognize a trigger or if an upsetting family matter suddenly becomes my whole brain-space, I simply downshift.

Level 3 (Ideal): Wake up at 7am.  Meditate for 30 minutes every morning.  Wholesome breakfast.  Read the paper.  Attend every class.  Gym 4 times a week.  Ask someone to go to lunch with you at least once a week.  Have all readings and assignments completed before the class they’re due.  Go to bed at 10:30pm.  You are killing it.  

Level 2 (Recovery): Wake up at 9am.  Meditate at least every other day, probably before bed.  Chunk homework and assignments into small tasks. Ask a friend to sit with you while you work.  Explain to someone that you’re having a rough time.  Gym at least 2 times a week.  Attend what classes you can.  Email the professors of the classes you miss.  Get someone’s notes for those classes. Call your mom.   Get to sleep before 1am.  You are making progress.    

Level 1 (Emergency): Wake up when you can.  Email your professors that you are sick and will likely miss class this week.  Reach out to someone on your support system to explain what’s going on.  Ask a friend to sit with you while you watch TV.  Go to walk-in hours at the Counseling Center. Call your sister.  Make a list of the tasks that are due/coming up and circle anything that you think you can do this week.  Be honest.  Ask for an extension on the rest.  Let go of non-essential readings.  Shower at least 4 times a week.  Clean your space.  Get to sleep when you can.  You will get through this.  

What I gain by defining the different levels I can live in is a sense of control in the chaos.  This system means that even in my darkest hours, I still have a structure that makes me feel grounded.  And suddenly, my rules don’t suddenly disappear but simply adjust for what I need at that moment.  I see my limits, and I move with them.  It isn’t a matter of failure; it’s a matter of resilience. Bad stuff happens and good weeks get ruined, but you can get through it because you have a plan that prioritizes what you need.  

There are two key parts of implementing downshifting for yourself. It’s not the system for everyone but I have found it to be very helpful for myself and recommend it to anyone dealing with a chronic illness especially.  

The first thing you need to do is figure out what these levels look like to you.  No one has the same goals and no one has the same inclinations.  My sister, for example, would never choose to get up early in the morning no matter what her emotional state was.  I have a friend who goes to the gym more when he needs recovery, not less, because he finds it soothing and energizing.  The most important part of implementing any structure to your life is to understand what you need.  This is the longest, hardest, most crucial aspect of wellness and self-organization.

Don’t worry if you don’t know right now what exactly works for you, either.  You can start by estimating roughly what might help you, what you might need, based on reflections on past experiences.  Then, gradually, you can start ruling out what doesn’t work for your and trying new ways to be.  The important part is to get started because you will never know what will help you until you first try to help yourself.  You are in progress and that is okay.  So is everyone else! Even if you have been a long-time wellness junkie like me, you will still learn new things about yourself along the way and your rules and your structures will change.  That is totally normal and good.  

The second thing you need to do to learn how to downshift is almost as slippery as the first, but again, it gets easier with practice.  You need to learn how to gauge your emotional state. Some people are already great at this. Myself, I tried a lot of different techniques to get this one right.  One way to determine how you are feeling that many people swear by is the simple method of rating yourself on a mood chart.  Angry, sad, meh, content, happy, etc.  Lots of people love to track their moods on paper or in an app by assigning each emotion a color and giving a color to each day, which is really great! Unfortunately, this does not work for me.  My emotions are so messy all the time that choosing just one for each day always feels wrong, and anyway I am just not good at daily tracking tasks. Instead, I use my internal map of Oberlin as my check-in (I know it’s kinda weird, but it works okay?) I have identified several places across campus that I know I am likely to pass at least one of in a day and I have made those check-in spots.  Passing by the Rat, walking up the ramp to Mudd. These are triggers for my brain to ask me about my emotional state.  Here’s how it usually goes:

Evan.  You’re walking up to Mudd.  Probably here to study, huh? How do you feel about that? Are you scared you won’t finish your work on time? Have you made yourself small enough tasks? Remember to go to the bathroom before you sit down somewhere and get all your stuff out because you know how annoying it is to pack everything up just to bring with you into the bathroom because you are nervous about thieves. Fill your water bottle, too.  Do you have a snack?

Or

Evan.  You’re walking past the Rat.  Are you on the way to Decafe? Have you eaten today? When have you last eaten? Was it enough? There’s a good water fountain coming up so make sure to refill your water bottle if it’s low.  Do you feel dizzy? Tired? Think about whether you need a break soon because you don’t want to burn out.  Have you called your mom?

These moments along with my meditation practice, therapy, and speaking to friends and family are how I know whether it’s time to upshift or downshift. I always make sure that I have different and varied methods of evaluating my status because none of these are rules.  I have a hard time making “How are you doing?” into a task.  Asking myself how I’m doing is a habit, and it’s a good one. Any wellness system should have built-in reflection strategies because looking at your progress and your current well-being is a huge part of keeping yourself well.

By now, you might be thinking that downshifting seems like a lot of work.  The reason for this is that downshifting is sort of Life Organizing 301.  Before downshifting comes 1. Prioritization, 2. Goal-making, 3. Reflection and Evaluation, 4. Daily and Weekly Scheduling, and 5. Self-Care.  There are each big skills in their own right and worth investigating on their own.  If you feel like you might need to do some work on any of these topics before you even think about downshifting, that’s okay! You can still come away with the key ideas of downshifting which are

1.     Sometimes you have to take a break from your rules, but you don’t have to throw them away entirely.  If you find yourself needing a break, you have not failed.  

2.     Recovery is a state of being that all of us fall into sometimes and is totally normal.  You are allowed to be in recovery or in emergency for any reason.  You are valid.  You can get through it.  

3.     Even if you don’t live the way you want to every day, you can still live the way you want to some days or half the days or even most of the days. Nothing in your life has to be absolute.

If you do think you might want to try downshifting, that’s great! Make sure to grab a trusted friend or family member to help keep you accountable, especially as you adjust to a new system.  Let that person know what the rules are for each of your levels and contact them when you feel like you should downshift or upshift.  Having this anchor will help you stay aware of your progress and committed to letting yourself be wherever you need to be.  You can do it!

[cazzle-dazzle]

Another reason I’ve been inactive is cuz I’m going through a weird patch of losing interest in a fandom I was once REALLY passionate about and in to. This happened before when I lost touch with Sanders Sides ages ago, but it still kinda hurts and makes me feel sad cuz here’s this thing that I was once SUPER happy about and looking at content for it would always brighten my day just a little and helped me so much through bad days and poor mental health patches. But now it doesn’t feel the same, it doesn’t make me feel all happy anymore and I just feel all disconnected from the it.

I’m just,,,,, I’m a HELLA sentimental person and I hate the process of becoming uninterested in an interest (to my knowledge, im not nd so im not gonna call them hyperfixations or special interests). It’s what I imagine falling out of love feels like.

The fandom I’m talking about now is specifically the Dream SMP but also kinda MCYT in general. I got into both in early December of 2020, like RIGHT when the exile arc started. And I had a BLAST diving headfirst into it. I watched the season 2 finale live and was just so happy with this content. But I never really got into season 3 and lately it’s just been a snowball of dying passion, I just couldn’t get interested in Wilbur’s revival, or Las Nevadas, or the prison, or the nuke and egg plot. I think the final nail in the coffin was Ranboo’s third canon death, I just didn’t care about what they could possibly do with the series after. Dsmp had me in an absolute chokehold for the first couple months of 2021, but I didn’t really care for the main storyline so for the better half of a year, my interest was solely in fan content (art and fics and stuff like that) of broad interpretations of the characters and au’s. This was also the time I was becoming aware of how much I enjoyed the idea of self-insert content but I was also hesitant to indulge in it since dsmp (and au’s)/mcyt content in general is HEAVILY linked with the creators and their lives and I just felt really uncomfortable with having a s/i there because it would never feel like interacting with fictional characters, it felt like also interacting with the people behind them and I felt way too uncomfortable pretending to be friends with ACTUAL. PEOPLE.

So yeah I ended up having a really complicated on/off interest with dsmp/mcyt for a while but the past couple weeks I’m just kinda done with it all. I miss all the really good stuff at the start of it but it hasn’t been able to make me feel anything close to that since.

Lmao guess I just needed to rant about that. I’ve always been pretty insecure about having interests so i just. Don’t talk about them. Anywhere. Me making fan content at all is already a lot for me even tho literally no one cares cuz the stuff I make and the media I indulge in are nothing bad but I always feel so embarrassed about it anyways.

To end this all off on a more positive note- I’m starting to pick up a new interest: DC. Ngl, I’m kinda terrified of it. There’s YEARS worth of comics, so many shows, so many movies, so much EVERYTHING to start looking into but I started a couple weeks ago and I’ve liked what I’ve dabbled in so far. I’m watching the og Teen Titans series from 2003 which is SICK AS HELL!! Can’t believe I never watched it when I was younger. As overwhelming as the extent of content there is, it’s also a kinda comforting, im going back to more familiar territory with completely fictional characters where I will have no guilt or fear of creating parasocial relationships. I’m also considering actually fully indulging in self-insert content with DC, make art of my s/i of them doing their thing and having superhero friends and just let me project!! Another thing I’m considering is dabbling in some writing so like headcanon bullet lists or little ficlets

But yeah I suppose a tldr of this post: I’m pretty much leaving the dsmp/mcyt fandom and I’m gonna start reblogging DC stuff to my page and making self-under content.

[lcsbicarchive]

[ kaya scodelario, twenty-seven, cis female, she/her ] ━ hey, I just saw [ hazel mendes ] walking down the streets of crownsville. they’ve lived in town for [ a year ], and you can catch them around town working as a [ tattoo artist ]. I hear they’re known to be [ kind-hearted & courageous ] and [ secretive & hypocritical ]. if asked, they would say their aesthetic would be [ coffee stains, sea salty hair, intricate dotwork tattoos, restless hands, smudged eyeliner, lipstick on a plastic fork, paint ridden fingertips, whispered secrets, and beaming smiles ]

i’m jujubee, i like long walks on the beach, bi--- maybe not. hi hello, i’m meg ( she/her ) i dwell in the good ol’ gmt, and i’m not great with introducing myself, but i am gonna admit that i’m typing this up way in advance because i’m excited, so hopefully something decent comes out of it ! but i’mma get to talking about miss gayzel, since she’s probably the more interesting between the two of us, and definitely the more relevant, so introduction to my favourite messy goblin in three,,,two,,,, fun,,, [ edit: yO i so i typed this up a while back bc ya girl got excited, but i just reread it and i have nO idea how helpful it is but i’m currently running around with my head on fire BUT I WANTED TO GET MY INTRO UP ANYWAY AND MEET Y’ALL so tldr: i might edit this later but hi hello nice to meetcha i’ll be on properly in a bit ! ]

honestly when it comes to hazel, i legit always have to no idea where to begin. but she’s an old ass muse for me, and tbh i know her like the back of my hand because of it, and if i can be a honest a lil sappy, i just want a nice rp home to settle in and i’m hoping crownsville will be that for me !

so although hazel has only been in crownsville for a year, georgia is actually her home ! she grew up in atlanta, but moved to new york when she was nineteen after a rough year, and she really just needed a fresh start and to start getting her life together. 

and she was in new york between the ages of nineteen and twenty five ( well, technically twenty six, since she literally turned twenty six a week after moving ) and in those years hazel trained to be and later became a fully qualified tattoo artist ( specialising in dotwork ! ) at a well respected tattoo parlour in ny, called permanent record. in the years she worked there, the original pr began to slowly expand, opening three other shops around the country, and when her boss started talking about opening a fifth, it kinda came at the right time for hazel specifically. 

her last boyfriend ( and i mean last boyfriend; hazel may still be in the closet, but moving from ny to crownsville was the ending point of her burying the bullshit, and she’s fully accepted her flaming lesbianism ) was a fucking garbage can of a human being, so after that relationship finally ended she was kind of looking for an excuse to leave, and lowkey looking for an excuse to go home, the latter partly being because there are parts of herself that are kinda,, missing ? that she lost due to shit going down, and she’d quite like them back ? she doesn’t wanna completely be her old self, because she’s changed a lot for the better, but there are some aspects she’d quite like back. however, moving back to atlanta wouldn’t exactly be the best thing for her, but she would’ve if that’s where her work lead her. which brings me to: her boss kinda casually said that if he opened up another branch somewhere, he’d kinda want someone he knew and trusted to keep an eye on it, so without really thinking, hearing he was thinking of georgia, hazel kinda jumped at the chance and offered to do it.

so that’s how hazel lowkey got promoted whoops. she doesn’t see it that she’s managing pr5, but that’s basically what she’s doing. the deal was, hazel would just be the eyes and ears for Big Boss, as he couldn’t be in two places at once, all while doing her actual job. she’ll deny being the manager/anybody’s boss, but she’s w r o n g. she’s just kinda casual about it. despite her definitely wanting to move anyway but not yet seriously considering it, and the fact she didn’t hate the idea of returning to georgia, she’ll still say she’s back ‘for work’ because,, she’s a goblin. 

but honestly she fucking loves her job, and she owes a lot to her job and to her boss. she’s also living in the apartment above the shop amen god bless

as far as her personality goes, hazel’s a mess of contradictions. she’s kinda had a life that would make it understandable if she were,,,, ruder, i guess ? or just.....bitter ? she’s not exactly the happiest of people, but i think after having a rather eventful life that getting a lil sadness as well as a pretty messy personality is nothing to complain about, since it could be far worse. but she’s a good person ! or, she tries to be. she’s working on it. she’s kind and she’s good but she’s got a repertoire of mistakes in her back pocket that she’s still dealing with, and she thinks stop her from being the good person she’s trying to be. a rather important note and something to keep in mind is that she tends to give off like,,, generally chaotic vibes a lot of the time ? like if you’re meeting her somewhere she’ll arrive late and slightly out of breath, or she can just seem a little flustered, or like her mind’s kinda elsewhere, or like she’s stressed/hassled/has too much to do and not enough time to do it in even if she’s actually doing okay, or if you need a pen she’s sure she has one but by the time she’s emptied her bag and found the pen, you could’ve walked to the shop, bought your own, picked up a milkshake, got a donkey ride, paid for a kid who didn’t have enough money to have their own donkey ride, had a walk in the woods, saved a woman from being mugged by a guy with his finger in his hoodie pocket, walked back, realise you don’t have the pen, can’t remember where you left it, went back to the shop and bought a new pen, and gotten back to her.

but in good news !! she’s a kind person, so plotting is made easier by that ! she’s pretty smiley on a good day, chatty, good with people, and just,, pretty good at the person aspect of her job as well as the actual ,,, Job part of her job. speaking of plotting, i generally kinda tend to suck at it, but i try my best and i make up for my lack of ideas with enthusiasm ! plus i’m always open to whatever ideas y’all may have, but to make our lives easier, i have a little plotties page here ! 

uhhhhh random things bout gayzel: legit thinks piano man it the best song ever written ( closely followed by barracuda,,, ) she’s one of those heathens that likes pineapple on pizza, she has pet fishies called ernie and bert and she cannot tell them apart, loves back to the future but also loves singin in the rain because girlie is your least favourite thespian lesbian, and she’s currently got the cute lil like,, Almost Ombre hair that kaya had in like 2014 or w/e ?? see above for reference sake, and i’m p sure there’s a reference linked in her stats too, which can be found here ! but tldr: the ends are just a lil lighter and it’s cute.

she also has a full ass like 6k word bio but tbh, it’s old, and i’m really not happy with the way it’s written, and despite the fact i never actually finished it, i want to rewrite it, so we’ll consider her current one a placeholder lol. disclaimer: hazel’s general story and background is a little trigger heavy, but obviously everything will be tagged, and her biography has warnings on it, and also says when the warnings have passed so you can keep reading if you wanna. 

okaY so if you got this far, you’re some sort of Wizard whom i greatly appreciate ! as i mentioned, i’m really bad with plotting and ims tend to make me anxious as heckery but if you give this post a lil LIKE i’ll swim into your ims nonetheless in hopefully the least awkward way i can possibly manage, but i’m also just up for having characters interact and see if there’s anything that comes to mind and stuff, but i’m excited to meet your cherubs ! general heads up: i apologise for any typos in this post and in future threads; i proofread everything to hell and back but my brain fuckin hates me so that usually means nOTHING but pls,,, just bear with me, i try my darn best !

[real-retail-stories]

My boss thinks I have an attitude??

I should clarify before all of this: I am pretty sure I have anxiety. Or at least anxiety issues. Or a specific type of anxiety. All through my life I’ve been terrified of getting in trouble with authority figures (teachers, employers, etc) which results in me being extremely polite and respectful to everyone, especially authority figures and such. As well as this, I like being respectful, feels good and stuff. All through school I was told “Oh X is very quiet but he works really well and is very nice to teach” and other variations of that at parents evenings. Not once has any teacher kicked off about me having attitude. Or anyone I’ve worked with. Be it at other work places, educational places, or whatever. I’m a pretty pleasant human IF i do say so myself because I absolutely want to be on everyone’s good sides. Anyway:

So yesterday I was at work, doing my usual stuff. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. It was very very busy and I was just doing what I could.

I was stood next to my manager, looking at an item, trying to figure out where it should rightfully go, I didn’t know because it was an item I’d never handled before, so I asked my manager, who was working on his computer just to my right (that very same morning, the same manager told me I hadn’t been taking enough care whilst filing stuff away, which, fair enough, i hadn’t, so i wanted to be sure where this item went). He tells me to ask my supervisor. He say’s it in a very “I shouldn’t have to tell you this” way, even though I literally did not know what I should do because no one fucking told me (my training for this job was an hour in a storage room where a guy read a booklet to us assuming we’d remember it forever). Almost at exactly the same time as I ask him, my supervisor calls me over about, coincidentally, the same item. She calls before the manager answers. I turn my head to look at her. And at the same time, they both talk to me. So you can imagine, I just had two people fire a jumble of information at me at exactly the same moment, so I’m pretty confused right?

My manager repeats himself, sounding even more annoyed, which was totally fucking unnecessary because I didn’t ask him to at all. My supervisor calls again because I think she thought I didn’t hear her or something? idk. But at this point i make a critical move. I make this weird and kinda silly noise like “aahh” in a sorta “ahh i’m so confused hahaha funny lol get it guys” way just bc i’m awkward, I didn’t think anything of it though.

I take the item and give it to my supervisor at the other end of the store.

I go back to where I was stood before and my manager tells me to follow him. I follow him thinking he’s gonna bring something up like “oh you rang up an item wrong earlier” or something, something trivial. How wrong I was.

The conversation went a little like this:

Manager: “Okay, so you just tutted at me twice in the last 5 minutes.”

I’m visibly confused again, not even sure how serious he’s being. I didn’t even know what he meant by “tutted”. I guess he might have meant like a stereotypical teenager groan?? Like an “ughh” type thing? I still don’t know. I’d always assume a tut was like a “woopsie silly me” kind of thing? like if you dropped something and you were like *tut* i’m such a doof or something?

He then goes to imply that it was disrespectful

Immediately I start to feel all freaked out and bad because its been so long since i’ve been addressed like that and go into ultimate apology mode. Not actually something i’ve done since I was very young.

Me: “Honest to god man, I didn’t intend or even realise I’d done that i meant no disrespect at all-”

He cuts me off. At this point I had my hands raised in front of me in a “this is a big misunderstanding” type of way.

Manager: “Don’t start with the hands man. Do you think you can talk to me like that? I’m your store manager”

at this point i’m just baffled that he thought i was actually trying to be disrespectful to someone like him

Me: “no..”

Manager: “How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 19”

Manager: “You’ve got way too much attitude for a 19 year old”

At this point I’m trying to keep myself together. I could feel my eyes welling up for some reason, which is weird because I genuinely did not feel like I was going to cry. As a 19 year old male that’d look bad as well (because heaven for-fend a man has emotions). I just have weirdly sensitive tear ducts or something lol

Manager: “Is this how you were at school? I know this is a casual work place but you can’t be pissing around like this”

I can’t remember exactly what happened here because the fact that he’d imply i fucked around at school and was disrespectful made my blood boil. I went from shocked and worried to straight pissed in a second flat. Of course I didn’t show it but it was there. I had the worst anxiety of my life at school. I was scared of everyone. And i hated it when people fucked around at school and were rude to teachers. I thought those kids were idiots so it just made me even madder.

Me: “No.”

There’s not much else to it really. I basically took the heat for it even though I literally did not do anything to him at fucking all. I had no idea how he got offended at my actions. It just makes me think that he’s been misreading me for my entire time at this place and this was the thing that put him over the edge. Before he was finished he reminded me how I’m still in my probation period and how I still haven’t technically got a job there. I’m quitting after Christmas either way. That’s when my probation should end but I know its only going to get extended. I’m not gonna carry on with it because I don’t enjoy any aspects of the job. I thought i’d love it but everyone there talks down to me and honestly doesn’t match the respect I give out.

I mentioned it to my mum when I got home that night, and she agreed. I don’t have any attitude problems at all, and she’s proud of how polite I am and stuff. She said that obviously I’m too old for her to intervene and say something (wouldn’t have let her anyway) but had this been at school and if he was a teacher then it would absolutely have been worth intervening.

The weirdest bit is I spoke to him at the end of the day and he was totally fine. Like nothing had happened. Totally smiley and normal. Like what the fuck. This was maybe an hour after he just tore into me over something that didn’t happen and he was talking to me like he’d never been mad in the first place. I swear to god the guy’s a psychopath of some sort. I walked past him outside after I left and he said bye in a real cheery voice.

tldr; boss man do wrong shouty for no reason make me sad and amgry

[janiedean]

@nederys all of you guys kinda lost your shit but i don't think you're being consistent at all. you didn't go for it being misinformed or wrongly placed, just that it was "gross" bc it was "romanticizing" blabla, like if someone made a fic about ETA terrorists or whatever and i advocated censorship and asked for it not to exist. when you accept kink and RPF, you need to stand on that principle even when it's YOUR personal/national. shaming ppl into submission is the anti strategy and it doesnt actually convince anybody of anything, much literally if it's screaming in another language to the OPs. i didnt wanna reblog or anything but i was very unpleasantly surprised with how you guys handled the situation (and i say this bc i care and i know you value rationality, not to piss you off YOUR personal/national sensibility like if someone wants to write a fic 'romanticizing' tec bundy murders or a rape fantasy or whatever it's their field day just tag it properly, it's no different for a criminal organization as i see it. a piece of sexual fantasy or literary work is not a guarantee it's portrayed in an accurate way or that it's a moral endorsementj + I'll hear your argument on 'positive representation' so i'll take your word for now but it did really come of like "your evil porn is romanticizing evil irl so it should be censored". as for the bad taste etc thing - as long as the person in question doesn't find out i dont personally see the harm. other ppl getting second-handed distastefulness/offense about it is a slippery slope, bc again that quickly devolves into "ugh why you write about rape! / rpf! if you can write kink porn and you can do rpf (like i mean, what, we just tweak the hair color and the initials to make it 'fictional'?) - it follows you can write "distasteful" kink porn about rpf all you want. it's still fiction.okay in order

In order:

as I said in the other reply, people lost their shit because we’ve had this discussion for years and every time it happens SOMEONE (most likely american but not necessarily) shows yup informing us that since mafia in US english means generally organized crime and not THAT specific organized crime we need to chill and WHO CARES YOU’RE OVERREACTING. at some point there’s a limit to how much nice you can be when you’ve been trying nicely for years and people just dismiss you most likely also because you’re not poc enough to complain - again, when it happens with people who can fall into the POC definition doing this kinda stuff automatically means you’re racist, but with us it’s not even disrespectful? or recognized as potentially harmful? fine, we lost our shit, but it’s also not the first time it happens;

the point isn’t that they were making a fic about the mafia, but if we take the ETA terrorism similitude, it wasn’t ‘making a fic abut ETA’. it was, ‘we are making an RPF fic where we take a real living spanish actor who has a friend who died during an ETA bombing and we make him the commander of an ETA faction which plants a bomb in madrid’. I’d find it distasteful if it was about FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, but whatevr - it’s fictional. real people who are actually involved with those criminals on the other side? not so cool. and the fact that these people see nothing wrong with casting them as criminals for *the mafia* shows they have no idea of what they’re talking about and again, with fictional people you can try to ignore it (even if it irks me also because 90% of the time it shows a total failure of understanding the character just by casting them as mafiosi but never mind that’s my pet peeve), but real ones? who made a pro lgbt movie and are *allies* when a mafia killing actually was what kickstarted the creation of the hugest and first anti-homophobia/pro-gay lgbtq association in italy? like. that’s fucking with real people and honestly if I was the director and knew I’d feel personally slandered especially if I come from someplace where statistically everyone knows someone who’s been hurt by the mafia in the last fifty years if they weren’t themselves. like I had a friend whose father worked for the police and the antimafia division especially and lived in palermo back in the day and criminals did try to grab her out of her pre-school and they had to change cities VERY quickly after that, and I don’t even live in sicily. and she’s not even sicilian. it was twenty years ago when they planted bombs across the entire area and killed hundreds of people just in the 90s (comprehensive list). it’s not just WRITING FIC ABOUT THE MAFIA, which I could be relatively handwaving with if it was about fictional people and even then it irks me to hell and back, but real people? who make movies pro things that the mafia hates? really? and I have to hear ‘are you angry because you’re homophobes’? I don’t ask for it NOT TO EXIST, I’m asking a basic modicum of decency.

ted bundy vs mafia: ted bundy is ONE person and he’s been convicted and whatever. if someone’s personal fantasy is fucking ted bundy WHATEVER their problem. if THEY want to do the self-insert with real criminals whatever, idgi but if they’re aware of the implications whatever. the mafia is a bunch of people and they thrive on positive media representation and it’s such large scale that it fucks with this entire country on multiple levels (ad also other countries) and here you’re not using real criminals, you’re casting as criminals people who most likely have been hurt by that same organization. it’s a difference. and if you portray it as a nice organization where hey you help people bypassing the law and gay people are accepted it’s... just... not how it works.

rpf: I’m generally pro rpf as long as people don’t go to the actual real people and don’t harass them irl (which would make a lot of rpf shippers inappropriate) but like... idk if you were around in spn fandom at the time of the infamous j2 haiti fic, but if you weren’t, tldr: person sees the aftermath of the haiti earthquake on tv, thinks ‘well that’d make a perfect setting for my j2 bigbang fic’, writes an entire fic where jared and jensen go to haiti the month it happened, her artist makes art for it photoshopping those two over like... real pictures of real dead people and three betas don’t find nothing remotely cringy in this concept. the fic gets published. it gets slandered to hell and back and while I didn’t agree on assuming the author was a pre-trump (she most likely had no idea that stuff was kindaaa racist) and that she should have been educated, I’d like to presume that people would think thrice before setting a Romance Story TM on a background where when it was published people were still excavating corpses from the rubble. it’s about the same concept as the romantic mafia fic. but with the haiti fic anyone on tumblr would agree that it’s hardly appropriate, with mafia fic it’s just ‘meh shut up you’re whining’. also, while I do agree that jared and jensen, as famous people, signed up for this, too, I don’t really think using real people for this kind of thing is fair, educated or a favor to them. I get it’s all fantasy and so on, but at least use the fictional characters. I can imagine j2 wouldn’t be happy with knowing noncon fic where they’re protagonists exists, neither with the haiti fic, but the noncon is standard fandom kink and whatever and no one else is involved, the haiti fic DOES. and while the people in those pictures wouldn’t even know, if that’s what you jerk off to at least be aware that it’s not exactly tasteful. and the people mentioned had zero idea that jerking off to the *mafia* au is not tasteful and that the *mafia* is *not* random organized crime. no one would have a problem if they called them CRIMINALS or mob or whatever without using the specific mafia word, but they like it because AESTHETICS which 90% of the time aren’t even true because the godfather aesthetic is so NOT the camorra aesthetic it’s not even funny. and of course we shoudl educate people instead, too bad that if it’s about haiti they listen and if it’s about us, they don’t;

 kink: same as above but like, again, let’s always use the poor j2 guys. the j2 mafia au as above is absolutely ew to me but at least j2 are american and most likely didn’t grow up somewhere the mafia could kill their relatives or friends. guadagnino did. and whether he knows or not (HOPEFULLY HE NEVER FINDS OUT) it’s another level of disrespectful to take a guy who made a pro lgbt movie you liked and putting him in that scenario without being aware of it. and they don’t listen if you tell them. that’s the problem. I can be very tolerant, but good god at least hear people out on the subject. and if it concerns a situation that isn’t even old or a dead organization but one that’s thriving in the country still and fucks people over every day I’d like for these people to recognize that at least it’s something not cool and not just their jerk off fodder material. at this point do the GODFATHER AU, which is what they want anyway, stick with the american mafia and try to not give them positive rep, because this idea of the mafia as a cool thing plays a major role in actual mafia organization marketing themselves as a good thing and makes the work of people actually fighting them way harder. if no one thought it was cool, it wouldn’t have half the influence it has. but do I ever see mafia aus with cops or conflicted henchmen or the likes? nah. it’s all SAD ROMANTIC BACKSTORY WITH CRIMINALS. call it some other way. it’s not asking that much.

also: I am entirely down with mafia stories in media and stuff - again, I ove my sopranos and boardwalk empire and goodfellas and I actually do like the godfather when a lot of people here at this point hate it too, but none of those things make it look like it’s palatable to be in the mafia. people can jerk off to it I suppose, but at least they should be aware of that. lowering the bar, it’s why I get pissed at people passing jc as a healthy nice relationship - at least own up to your badwrong and don’t sugarcoat it. in this case they don’t even own up to the fact that it’s a real thing that hurts real people, never mind caring for the feelings of the people they’re fans of - I could jerk off to my rpf faves in anything but I’d like to know I’m not doing it to something they would loathe, and if you have to at least use the fictional characters as the jerk-off material. I mean I’d feel uncomfortable af using them as jerk-off material to something I know they as people would hate. obviously I’m pro write whatever you want, but I’m also pro ‘be aware of what you’re doing and know you’re possibly jerking off to things that are actually harmful to a lot of people and if you do and are cool with that whatever but at least try to not make it look as it’s a good thing’ while at the same time assuming that someone who tells you it’s not cool is doing it because they’re HOMOPHOBES when the mafia is the most homophobic organization in existence or close to it. we do need positive rep when it comes to mafia stories and we never get it.

like, final example: if I had seen one ‘steve rogers is a cop who wants to take down the mafia-like organization’ for every ten ‘tiny boss steve rogers and his russian henchman bucky are THE POWER COUPLE OF THE NY CRIME SCENE AND THEY KISS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND HELP THE WEAK WHEN THE POLICE SUCKS ASS’ fics I ran into it’d be lovely, but the point is that I’ve never seen one such fic even if it’s a lot more IC for steve rogers to take down criminals than being a criminal, and if you make people notice that nicely (which we did more than once) the usual answer is ‘go fuck yourself it’s just aesthetics the mafia doesn’t hurt anyone’ when it actually did, does and will do as long as they have means to, and since this recasting of canonically good characters as *mafia* henchmen who are happy to be there and not itching to get out just really makes pass the concept that the mafia isn’t really that bad I think I/we affected people have the rights to point out that it’s already a distasteful thing that people should at least read about before assuming it’s random organized crime that can be substituted for whichever worldbuilding they like, and if they don’t care for that fine, at least avoid involving real people who actually would loathe that irl in it or, if anything, at least recognize that it’s fucked up to hell and back. and none of the people in that thread had the grace to do that.

I mean, obviously if I had to take the choice between one such fic not existing at all but censoring stuff and it existing without censoring stuff I’d pick the latter even if I absolutely don’t like it, but what irks me and the other people involved in this debate is how nonchalantly people do these recasting assuming that they’re not romanticizing the thing (which they’re doing) and then don’t listen to others when they’re pointed out that they’re doing it and they should be aware.

like, again, I think the haiti fic was a thing that no one with some salt in their brain and a basic amount of decency should have published. someone did. they got criticized for it and it sprung a lot of discussion (including comparing it with a gen kill fic set in east timor during the war which actually did it right and so no one actually thought it was exploiting a tragedy or being in bad taste) and tbh I think that when doing fic about serious things you should at least read up on that. but the point is that these people don’t listen, haven’t listened for years and most likely will keep on not listening and sorry but seeing a person from palermo who shoots movies that would make any cosa nostra boss mad being recast as a cosa nostra/mafia sicilian boss who, if compared to a, uh, real life person who died recently would deal with people seceding from this organization by ordering to kidnap their children and have them dissolved in acid at the ripe age of nine is really goddamned distateful and hearing ‘so your problem is that they’re gay is that why you’re so angry’ as a response instead of reading it and thinking ‘damn maybe that was a bit out of line’ isn’t exactly that great.

especially because again, these organization thrive on people assuming they’re less bad than they actually are and we’re not talking about stuff that happened three hundred years ago - the kid dissolved in acid happened in 1996 and it’s hardly the last time something like that happened. it’s not a general crime organization, it’s a very specific one, and I’ll be fine with people jerking off to any italian stereotype in existence while I roll my eyes and be fine with it, but at least I’d like these people to know what they’re doing. and they aren’t. and they should be. and on top of that some positive rep where the mafia people are inherently bad and the good guys want to take them down would be nice. I do get that it looks like I’m being incoherent but I’m not saying they can’t do it, I’m saying they should show a minimum of consideration, and they aren’t. then no one’s stopping them from doing it of course but just the fact that they-won’t-listen kind of says a lot. :/ and when it comes to real people and real things it’s not just fiction and you should at least be aware of that.

[hummingbird-operandi]

Hey you lovely (mostly not but hey, we’ll include the spam bots as well) tumblr’rs!

Long time, I know. Things have been fucked intriguing trying --- they’ve just been; I find myself at the precipice of something new and with that comes another adjustment to how I present myself. 

Too Long Don’t Care? Click the link above and follow me...or don’t. #Trigger Warning below. Nothing graphic (some burn blisters #scarification under Semi-Colon), but my life kinda requires it. 

TLDR: I’m changing blogs and it’s going to have (but not be limited to) subjects like death, suicide, anxiety, depression, abuse, and other unpleasantness in the effort to broaden the discussion.

So those who know me--personally I mean--know that it is rare on a good day for me to be caught on camera; I have some pretty strong beliefs about what capturing someone’s likeness does post-mortem. Yet somehow;

I’m pretty sure the last time I was taking photos was when I took that one that’s my profile image...which was promptly after leaving the hospital for the second time around; ultimately they marked the beginning of this Los Angelean chapter. Two plus years can hardly be considered an era, yet something about the new dawn breaths fresh--hope isn’t at all the right word, (dash it from this glossary because I do not speak of such things) it is care.

Then I was Annabelle, bipolar, reclusive, smoker...

Now? Well now is both different shades of similarity and something completely new. In this new space (that from which I had come (it seems redundant, but it is not)) I have vastly expanded my understanding of my own my mind/condition. While my gender identity still plays a heavy role in it, I’ve found the term Genderfluid to be the easiest ‘title’ though in reality it’s still more complex.

3 people, 1 platform 

I’m not entirely happy with my diagnosis but until my research pans out, i’m stuck with ‘almosts’...*deep inhale*.

So at all times there are three distinct consciousnesses in my brain and at any given time ONE of them has control. The GIF above--from Pixar’s Inside Out--pretty accurately describes when I’m conflicted in Democracy mode (I’ll get to that in a moment) all three have equal control and none (one) plays nice. This is different from ‘voices’ in that direct and instantaneous control is possible (as opposed to a suggestion aspect of control); but this also differs from Multiple/Distinct Personality Disorder in that there is no loss of consciousness...so that’s nice...I guess.

See, the fun thing about the movie is that Pixar personifies emotions and portrays how that affects and controls us...sadness makes us sad, anger makes us angry, etc. This is cute, and fun--in my ‘movie’ those three are each their own being, fully loaded with all the anger, sadness, jealousy, and fear to boot. I wish I could say that one hasn’t set up the other for failure [some call this self-sabotage, I call it pettiness over an argument (the ‘I’ that is writing this currently) won back in 2007 and ‘she’ still gets bitter about...even writing this is pissing me off.

Democracy mode! That’s new. For the majority of my life it has been one in the foreground, BURYING the others; when I had finally allowed ‘her’ to speak it felt like fire coming from my throat--that I had been locked away from childhood into my mid-twenties. My gender presentation had less to do with dysphoria and more with control--she had waited almost two decades watching the other two ruin this vessel.

The GIF above is quite suitable too. None of my ‘me’s’ have names, I just am who I am--but there is a distinct (younger male) [older male] and [female]; the ages are irrelevant (as they say age is) but it’s better to differentiate them that way as opposed to (weaker male) [stronger male] because that greatly underestimates (him). To put this realistically, there’s a lot of “YOU....He...she...we...us” and  very little “well (he) said this, {she} disagrees” so narrating out my internal monologue can get a little confusing to read--I’ve lived with it (maybe think about having your siblings in your brain at all times and control over stuff...)

Where the fuck are you going with this?

I’ve learned that fascism doesn’t help anyone.

So I’ve let go (for some time now, but ultimately as well) with gender markers to differentiate when ‘she’ is me, those who know me (who quite frankly are the only ones of whom such a thing would even impact them) know how she carries myself; and she’s had to make a lot of compromises but cohesion is key. Hence--as you can see, having read thus far--the need for a re-birthing.

--------------Trigger Warning below : Scarification -----------------

Semi-Colon

Do you know about the Semicolon Project? No? What the fuck are you still doing here, nothing on this page is nearly as important as what’s HERE. [THIS LINK is a ‘TALK TO SOMEONE NOW’ page. Just one of many not nearly enough.]

It isn’t pretty...that whole night was a brutal rendition of the more poignant scene’s from Fight Club; I did quite literally punch the ever loving shit out of myself more than once. Aaaaaand this was the other outcome. I’ve long said, even though it offers me no peace:

[Self-harming] is a coping method. Is it a good one? Fuck no! But it’s strong. WAY strong. When chaos reigns over logic, when your darkness is quicker than you, when you’re so far shut down even feeling is unmanageable--it works. [S.T.O.P Techniques] {see here} are powerless to the unbridled force of ‘natural reaction’. 

I really screwed this one up--it was meant to be more art piece than self-mutilation, but this night was a bad night. It healed okay, but the damage to the structure of the shape is noticeable. Regrettably so.

My semicolon is important to me; it is a constant ((sometimes through the darkness) daily) reminder of WHY I am alive; simply seeing it often can offer me a breath of consideration.

 “It’s when an author could’ve chosen to end the sentence, but didn’t.”

So that brings me all the way back around to the beginning (of this post anyway); I grow tired of stagnation--and while the illusion of work (Fiction) was a nice distraction/stretch, I’m doing nothing but avoiding the necessity of work; nonfiction.

I’ve talked multiple times about writing more on the topic of death, the afterlife, depression, anxiety, abuse and so much more™...but rarely delivered. Another product of Annabelle’s indecision and avoidance...every time I got into something of value I’d let it rot; unchecked, unseen, uncaring.

                                 ^^^^^^^^

There’s always time to expand on all that. For now, either hit the follow button above, or don’t--this blog (Hummingbird-Operandi) is going to fall into beautiful disrepair; favoring this blog (JakFenchurch) to hideously bloom.

 Sure the image is darker, grainier, and complex; but it’s truer.

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.

[snkpolls]

My favorite characters in snk

Hi ! I thought about sending my votes as an ask at first - but I just have so much love for these characters and shingeki no kyojin as a whole that I finally decided to share my thoughts ! (My very long thoughts. I hope this post is not too long.)

Now, before I begin : WARNING - THIS POST CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE MANGA, anime-only fans beware

(Also, there’s a tldr at the end if you don’t wanna read my rambling haha)

1. Annie Leonhardt

Annie is one of my favorite characters of all animes. To be completely honest, I don’t exactly remember why she’s my favorite character, as she became it when I watched SnK’s first season, two or three years ago. But I’m pretty sure it has to do, first, with the fact that she is my favorite titan - the female titan. I love its design and its abilities (like creating that crystal armor thingy). I really like Annie herself, because of her fighting abilities and her cold demeanor. I love the fact that she deals with her guilt by isolating herself. I loved the scene at the end of season one when she transforms in Sina and laughs before and then that thing with her ring - that scene was insane. Also, “I guess I just want the weak who do get swept along with the flow to be considered human too”, god, gotta love that line (didn’t even need to look it up, i apparently memorized it).

She better get out of her damn crystal one day, I swear, I really want to discover what she’d do, if she learned about everything that happened since she’s been crystallized. (Or I’d like to see what would happen if the Survey Corps tried to manipulate her into betraying Marley and fighting on their side - could it work ? How would they achieve that ?) Basically, she hasn’t been there for like 70 chapters or something but I still love her lots and I still think she has a lot of potential.

2. Reiner Braun

My second vote goes to Reiner for many reasons. I didn’t notice him all that much in season 1 to be honest, but then I learned he was the armored titan, and then there’s the fact that at his core, he’s a really good person. He wants to protect people and help his comrades… so much that he develops a second personality, more or less - his guilt is breaking him. It’s sad that he finds himself in such a situation - he was led to believe the people within the walls were devils, but then, when he discovers most of them aren’t that bad, he has already caused the death of so many of them ? That’s horrible (and genius, don’t mistake me - I love that).

Now, where we’re at in the manga, he’s in a very unique place. He knows that Walldians (is that an official name for the people within the walls ? I don’t know but I’m using it, this is gonna make this easier) - so, I was saying, he knows that Walldians aren’t actually devils, but the people in Marley aren’t bad either. But it’s not like Walldians are sinless, good samaritains either - they killed Bertholdt, are keeping Annie prisoner… (does Reiner still thinks Annie’s being tortured, btw ? Did he ever find out that she’s just stuck in her crystal ?). I read somewhere that “he’s realizing there’s no good side” and I find this perfectly accurate. He’s kinda stuck, there’s not much he can do, and he’s also pretty much about to die (aren’t his 13 years almost over ?). Talking out of line, trying to tell people that Walldians aren’t worse than Marleyans, that exterminating them won’t restore Eldia’s honor or whatever, doing that would have no point - even if anyone believed him, it would put his family in danger and he’d be a traitor to both sides…

Also, I loved discovering his backstory. He enrolled in the warriors program for his family, for his mom, how cute is that ? His father is Marleyan too, that’s pretty interesting. And as a warrior in training, he was the underdog, he was far from being at the top of the class, that’s kind of a contrast from how he was in the Walldians’ military. His young friendship with Bertholdt was pretty cute too ! It’s nice to think that friendship evolved and got stronger, and to think that they could truly rely on each other when they probably felt so alone because they were traitors.

So, Reiner has got to be lonely now - because of what he knows about Walldians and because of what he lived inside the Walls, and because he is the only one to know those things and to have live that because Bertholdt is dead. I think he feels like nowhere is really home anymore, like he doesn’t have a place anywhere… Anyway. I’m rambling at this point, but yeah because of season 2 and the latest manga chapters (also his beard, at first I thought it looked odd lmaoo but now, god am I on board with this look…) he’s now one of my fave characters.

3. Ymir

Wow, I really love titan-shifters, don’t I ? Anyway. Season 2 wrecked me and amazed me and made me love Ymir so, so much. It caught me by surprise actually, i never thought I’d love her so much. But god - her backstory, her interactions with Christa, her characterisation… all of that made me totally fall in love with her. I feel like in a way, she’s the most original titan-shifter, because she was always kind of between the two sides - Walls and Marley. She’s not a warrior whose mission is to eradicate Walldians, but she’s not a fighter aiming to free the people of the Walls either. She literally fell onto the power of the titans by chance. She’s a titan-shifter that was never meant to become a titan-shifter and I love that.

I love her selfishness a lot. I love how she changed from a false god who died for her people to a girl that took a conscious decision to live for herself. I love how even though she wanted to live for herself, she still, still fell in love with Christa. I love how she revealed her secret and endangered herself to save Christa (in s2 ep 4 and 5). I love how she encourages people to be themselves and to live for themselves like she does. Also, I didn’t mention it in Reiner’s part, but that conversation :

“Ymir : I’m shocked. I was under the impression that you had no interest in women.

Reiner : Yeah. And it doesn’t seem like you have interest in guys, either.” YAAAAS MY QUEER SOUL IS THRIVING !!

Ahem. Anyway. Her whole scene in season 2 ep 10 with the sky just after she’s become human again after 60 years ? That was insanely beautiful. Also her titan form is pretty cool, I love that its strength lies not in its pure physical strength but in its small form and strong jaw. You have to be clever to use that titan and boy is Ymir clever as hell.

4. Pieck

(Wow, another shifter, what a surprise haha). So, this vote might seem surprising because Pieck has barely appeared, she has existed for less than like 5 chapters haha, but I actually already quite like her. I mostly like her for her potential - I’m really looking forward to learning more about her. I like that she forgot how to walk because she spent too much time in her titan form, that brings up new questions about the shifters and brings to light an interesting aspect of shifting (even though staying a long time in titan form might be an ability unique to the cart titan). With the way shifter heals, I think it’s like, one of the first time we learn about a physical consequence of another sort. Apart from that, I also like her because with Annie, they’re the only two women in the warriors (that possess a titan. That will probably change soon with Gabi but whatever. Still, Annie and Pieck are the only women of the “first generation” of shifters).

5. And that’s all !

I hesitated about voting for a fifth character too but in the end I couldn’t decide who I wanted to vote for. Here are some of the people I hesitated about : Hanji, because she’s crazy in the best way, because she’s excited and incredibly smart and curious and idk I just love her. Rico Brzenska, because no matter how minor a character she is, she is badass as hell, and she was really cool at the battle of Trost (or that one time when they used Eren to plug the hole in the wall, idk if I have the right name for it). Hitch, because I love how snide she is, idk. Bertholdt, because he’s discreet but nice, because his guilt makes him interesting (a bit like Reiner), because of his beautiful speech in season 2 ep 11. Levi, because - well, the same reasons as everyone, his strength but also his loyalty to his fellow soldiers, also because of that one manga scene of torturing that one guy with Hanji, also because of his face in s2 ep12 when he learns that titans are humans.

So, that’s it ! I’m looking forward to seeing the results of this poll but I’m gonna be happy no matter what because SnK is incredible and there is no bad character. I’m looking forward to season 3 and to the next manga chapters !

tldr ; so, i apparently like titan-shifters a lot, because my four votes go to : Annie Leonhardt, Reiner Braun, Ymir and Pieck. I couldn’t bring myself to choose a fifth person, I love too many characters haha.