#anyway those were my delusions for today good monday everyone

[samipekoe]

Monday its time to return to my office in lacille inc

[tailahjanbash]

Maker Of My Dreams

My name is Tailah. I was practically born in a church pew, and God has played a significant role in my life as far back as my memory will take me. You’d think after 21 years of being in the church I’d either be some kind of minister or insanely bored of hearing the same stories over and over, but neither of those happened.

After serving Jesus for nearly a decade now, I’ve found that doing life with him is nothing short of an adventure.

I think Christians get a bad rep. They supposedly aren’t allowed to have fun, go out, or live life fully—the world paints a picture of people in turtlenecks and pilgrim skirts, trapped in a stuffy chapel while the rest of the human population experiences freedom. Christians are slaves to their impossible standards of righteousness and trapped by their pious morals. The rest of the world is free to act upon their every desire and chase happiness to their heart’s content.

In my opinion, this is one of the biggest lies and delusions Satan hides behind.

People who act upon every compulsive desire or sin actually enslave themselves under the delusion that they are free. They are slaves to their desires, appetites, and emotions. Jesus offers us freedom from guilt, shame, sin, and death. He provides hope when we see no way out, refreshment when we cannot go on, and peace when everything around us is falling apart.

These were some of the things I grew up hearing in church, but it wasn’t until my faith met my actions that I truly experienced this.

Today, I want to talk to you about the latest adventure Jesus and I went on, in hopes to inspire you and remind you that God is the maker of your dreams.

This past summer, I was feeling trapped and unhappy with where I worked. Simultaneously, I was feeling a strong pull in my heart to pursue a job working in the music industry, which has been my dream since I was twelve years old.  After a lot of hard decisions, The Lord basically set up circumstances so I had to leave my job. I was scared of the unknown, but I knew in my heart it was time for me to stop meeting everyone else’s expectations for my life and chase my dreams.

I reached out to my friend Alyssa who had worked for a local record label. She forwarded my resume to a few contacts. I prayed for a month. Nothing happened.

I continued to pray and refused to give up—I babysat, sold paintings, and took some odd jobs in the meantime. The whole summer went on like this, until a few weeks before the start of fall semester.

I spent one Sunday night deep in prayer. I had been worshipping, praying, breaking things over my life. Then I spoke God’s favor, blessings, and open doors over myself and into existence.

Suddenly my phone lit up. Alyssa texted me in that moment and asked if I had found an internship yet. I quickly responded and told her that I hadn’t had any luck. She informed me that she had two more contacts and she would follow through with them both.

Long story short, I sent both companies my resume and immediately got booked for job interviews. I realized the power and importance of prayer. All the while, the Lord was reminding me that He opens and shuts every key and open door in my life.

There was one company that was super glamorous—they worked with high profile celebrities in Pop and Rap music and offered me a position with them on the spot. Everyone told me to take it.

The other company was a Christian artist management company. God made it super clear to me years ago, that my calling and vocation was in Christian ministry and entertainment, not secular.

As if that choice weren’t hard enough, there was one more problem: there were other people interviewing for the Christian company, and they were not able to give me an answer for at least a few more weeks. In other words, I had to choose on the spot, not knowing if I would get the internship I desired in my heart.

I wrestled with faith and doubt. With what I could see with the calling and dreams that God had placed in my heart.

After spending (a LOT of) time in prayer, I decided that I had to step out in faith. I called the company that offered me the job in secular music and politely declined their offer.

I was terrified that I had ruined my career before it even began, but in my spirit, I felt a sense of relief.

I had just sacrificed my Isaac, and I was low-key expecting a call from the Christian company effective immediately. I mean, I had just sacrificed SO much for God. He can’t keep me waiting forever, right?!

But then crickets.

And some more crickets.

I prayed daily and before I knew it, a month had passed.

I accepted the fact that maybe this wasn’t for me, released it, and thanked God anyways because He is always good, even when we don’t get what we want how we want it.

I kid you not the very. next. day. I got the phone call! They offered me the position and when I say God worked out every single detail, I’m not kidding. I had some issues registering for classes and could only sign up for Monday/Wednesday/Friday classes, which were the days I wanted to work. But the company ended up needing me for Tuesdays and Thursdays! Every last detail—down to my daily schedule to the hour—fell together perfectly, because when God does something, He goes all out. He fine tunes every detail and orchestrates every aspect so that He may receive the glory!

That fall I got to work for an amazing company called Redjett. My co-workers were the kindest ever and I learned so much about the industry I love. I got to work for Lauren Daigle, Hollyn, Sadie Robertson, Cody Carnes, and Chris McKlarney! I got to see behind the scenes of touring, worship events, music releases, huge ministries, and so much more. I will never forget the feeling of walking into those offices every morning, looking at the platinum records on the wall, and feeling that bliss excitement and song in my heart screaming, “You are exactly where you need to be.”

And to think… I almost settled because of doubt. I almost missed out on an amazing opportunity that affirmed my calling.

What are you holding back from due to fear of failure? Don’t let that stop you in 2019.

When people see the favor, open doors, and fullness of our lives as Christ followers, they can’t help but ask—what is it about you that makes you so different?

How are you so peaceful in the face of life’s storms?

How are you so full of joy in such painful circumstance?

The truth is we have a hope and a freedom that surpasses anything that this world can offer. The sooner we latch on to that, the easier it is to leave fear behind, trust God, and step into the fullness of your calling.

God not only cares about your dreams, He’s actually the author of them. He planted those dream-seeds in your heart. It is our decision what we do with them. When we do not wait for His perfect timing—His proper seasons, pruning, growth, and rain, we prematurely uproot and abort our dreams. If He allows the dream to grow, because we insisted on growing them ourselves, we fail to use the plant to its proper ability and design, and the harvest is lacking or unfulfilling. But when we allow The Father to give us the proper instructions, we grow beautiful, healthy crops that reap a harvest that exceeds our highest expectation!

Remember how I told you the people who live for their own desires are actually slaves to them? They are unfulfilled because they are trying to fill a God-sized hole in their heart with themselves. Their own dreams or desires. When you worship yourself and your own dreams, they actually never satisfy you.

This is because God created your dreams, calling, and heart. Therefore, He is the only one who understand how to satisfy and fulfill it. So today, trust in the promise that He is the maker and the keeper of your dreams and when you fix our eyes upon Him and not what He can give, He will exceed your wildest imaginations.

I want you to picture yourself standing before God, with your dreams in your hands. Now imagine yourself reaching up, and handing those dreams over to Him. God looks at you, with the warmest smile, then takes the dreams in His hands. He turns around, puts them inside of a beautiful treasure chest, and picks up something else inside that he has been waiting your whole life to give you. What He pulls out, is radiating light, ten times bigger, and tailor made just for you. They are His dreams and plans for you that He hand-crafted all the way back when you were being formed by Him in your mother’s womb!

These are the dreams and plans that will fulfill your purpose and calling on this earth. They incorporate every aspect of who you are and the special, uniquely designed you! And they are better than any dream you could ever imagine. But in order to receive them, you first have to hand over your will and the dreams you have. He won’t throw them away. He will be gentle, and place them in His beautiful treasure chest, and give you something even better!

Why do we have to surrender our dreams to the Lord? Well, sacrifice is God’s love language. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, to show that the gift was not more treasured in his heart than the Gift Giver. Jesus even sacrificed his own life for you on the cross so you wouldn’t have to experience separation from God the Father.

Even the king and creator of the universe is not exempt from the sacrificial nature of love and relationship. The remarkable thing, is that in every case, God rewards the hearts of those who gave up themselves and their dreams up for His sake, and gave them back more than they could ever fathom possible!

Rest in the goodness of God. Rest in the fact that He is LOVE and will never hurt you, keep your dreams from you, or control you. Don’t let any fear bully you or keep you from the wild, crazy, God-dreams of your heart.

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever.” Ephesians 3:20

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

You can access more posts, devotionals, prayers & more on my website:

http://thechosengirl.info/

[schizophelia]

February 21st, 2018: Journal

Okay. I’m agitated but I’m going to try to write a journal for today as it was a productive day.

Woke up early but fell back asleep. I woke up to music playing and voices talking. But they weren’t singing to the music... they were just talking over it. Anyway, the music stopped playing but the voices remained for the day. I think that was one of the reasons why I am so agitated lately. Things are not good.

Dad make broccoli with cheese for lunch which was good. After lunch we went to town to get the car looked at because there’s an oil leak somewhere. The dealership where we got it had to look at it. They couldn’t find the leak because it was really oily under the car so they shampooed the car and want us to drive it over the next week or so and then take it back in to get it looked at again to see where the leak is. We’ve only had this car since August- not very long. We hardly drive it (it literally sits in our parking lot and we drive the other shitty car until it breaks down like it usually does). It was pre-owned but they shouldn’t have sold it to us if it had an oil leak. So my parents are kind of frustrated with that. But it’s okay.

After we got home from town, we let the dogs out to play for a bit and then my dad and I watched a movie until my mom got home. I think the movie was called “Red Dawn” on Netflix. It was an okay movie. I had a hard time sitting still and watching it. My dad was complaining because I wasn’t still and kept making noise. My focus and concentration were horrible. We took breaks throughout it. My mom came home towards the end of the movie and after the movie we ate dinner. That was fine. Then we watched the 6pm news. There is a boy missing because of all the flooding that we had over the past couple of days. It rained so much that the snow melted and flooded roads and rivers. Basements were flooded in several towns and cities. It’s wicked, really. I haven’t seen a flood this bad in years. And there is more rain coming on Friday. Luckily our basement didn’t flood and neither did our shed because my dad dug out a path for the water to travel away from the shed before the rain actually came.

I showered today after not showering for a few days. My mom told me I had to so I did. They have to remind me to take care of myself and my room because I don’t do it otherwise. It’s not because I don’t want to... it’s because I can’t find the motivation or energy to do it. When my mom or dad reminds to shower, I have to do it because they’ll kick me out if I protest and I don’t have a back-up plan on where to go if they do. I’m just staying here until school starts in September... if I get into the school I want.

I don’t think I will study Psychology at University. My mom made a point about me not being able to handle 8-10 years of school to become a clinical psychologist like I hoped to do. I haven’t been in school for 3 years almost. I can’t concentrate on a movie for an hour... how am I going to sit through 3 hour lectures and stuff? In addition to my University applications, I also applied to Colleges for Child and Youth Care, Social Service Worker, and Pharmacy Technician programs at various Colleges. I got into the Pharmacy Technician program but that is my back-up plan if I don’t get into the other programs at the other College I hope to go to. That’s where my best friend attends for Computer Programming. 

My best friend is really sick. She’s not attending classes, sleeping properly, or taking care of herself. Her ex boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine) and messaged me and said that she drunk texted him one night. That’s not like her because she literally hates alcohol. It started with OCD for her where she HAD to clean the entire upstairs of her shared house before she could sleep. She said she wouldn’t sleep because she had to clean. Then she became very depressed and stressed. I’m concerned about her because she’s been my friend for years. Probably 10+. We went to elementary school together. She’s my best friend and I want her to get the help she needs. She and her doctor agreed not to change her Zoloft yet when they met last month. Her doctor thought her sleep was impacting her depression but I think it’s her depression impacting her sleep. I told her to ask to switch antidepressants because I don’t think the Zoloft is helping. I’ve been on a lot of medications and know when it’s time to tell someone it’s not working. She’s been on it since September or October and she’s not any better. She said she sees her doctor this week. Hopefully they get it sorted out soon.

Today I saw a demon dog and heard the sound of the mutant the government agents sent out months ago. It hasn’t hurt me yet but it’s intimidating. I didn’t see mutant yet today but I could hear it lurking in the shadows of my mom and dad’s bedroom. It growled at me. When I do see it, it’s huge. Like, I’m talking as tall as the ceiling. As for the demon dog, I used to see them all the time. They belong to the shadow demons. They mean harm. But I think the one I saw today didn’t hurt me because my dad was there. They prey on when I am alone. Sometimes they chase me. They were one of the reasons why I never went outside when this whole mess started back a few years ago. This isn’t anything new.

The voices are singing to the song I am listening to but they aren’t really getting the words right. It’s one of my favourites too and they’re ruining it. My one friend asked me if I thought things were getting worse. Honestly, I don’t know. They never really got that much better. Maybe a little since the Invega increase weeks ago but not much. I still hear voices... I still see things. And according to my friends, I’m still having delusions. One stranger on the internet said I’m living in a false reality... a major delusion and until I realize that, I won’t get better. I’m trying, okay? How to I abandon everything I’ve known for a long time to something else just because someone else tells me it. Like how do I gain the trust enough to believe you all? How? Because I’m having one hell of a time over here. I feel like I know the truth. That everything everyone tells me is a lie. This is a nightmare for me. 

I’ve been sleeping okay. Sometimes I need naps during the day but for the most part, I sleep okay. I don’t know where I would be without the Temazepam. I probably wouldn’t sleep without it. Now I get a few hours of sleep each night. It’s nice to be able to sleep again. I hate lying awake all night with nothing to do like I was doing before the Temazepam. Temazepam isn’t supposed to be taken long-term but it’s the only thing that’s helping me sleep right now. And I know I need it to sleep. There was a point when I tried 15mg of it to sleep but it stopped being effective so I increased in to 30mg (my dose range is 15mg-30mg so I am okay). Speaking of Temazepam, it’s almost time to take it. I will take it when I finish this journal for the day.

My appointment with my social worker was cancelled yesterday. But I meet with my doctor on Friday at 1pm if I got the time correctly. I doubled checked when I went to pick up my Fetzima last week and the secretary said it was Friday. I was confused because normally he doesn’t do OP (out-patient) on Friday. But I think he is because my appointment got cancelled and because of Family Day this past Monday. Hopefully things go smoothly because I need to tell him some things that my friends pointed out... and soon. It’s been almost 6 weeks since I’ve seen him and that’s a long time. Normally my wait time is 3-4 weeks. My friends think I need to see him more often but I don’t want to because the drive there to see him takes like 40 minutes. I see my social worker every 1-2 weeks. Though it’s been more than 2 weeks since I’ve seen her because she cancelled yesterday due to the fog. That’s okay. My mom said it was really thick and that there were vehicles in the ditch on the way to work yesterday morning. I have a feeling that my doctor’s appointment will get cancelled again or there will be some sort of complication on Friday. Why? Because every time I need to see him, I can’t. It’s just how it works. I don’t get my hopes up for things like these because I often get disappointed. 

I know there are some of my friends that are struggling right now and if you guys ever see this, please stay strong. You are loved and I want you to know that. I think about you all the time and when I’m not talking to you, I’m thinking about you. Please hold on. I know life is hard and stuff, but there are good moments too. You can’t have good without the bad. You don’t deserve any bad things that happen to you, but those are the cards you were dealt. It sucks, I know. But I’m here if you ever want to talk. My inbox is always open. I may not know what to say sometimes, but I am always there to lend an ear. Okay? Please hold on. Please don’t give up. You’re all so beautiful and I love you. Sometimes I may not show it, but I do. You mean a lot to me and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of you. <3

Meds Invega 9mg Fetzima 80mg Temazepam 15-30mg (Taking 30mg)