#anyway this post spiraled out of control but yeah those r my thoughts on my timeskip oc x canons

[flutteringfable]

bakugou was mentioned so briefly in ch430 that i deadass forgot he's a pro in the timeskip. i was gonna propose like a whole list of headcanons but no im just gods most forgetful soldier i guess kfnsjfnfndbfnf

[capricornus-rex]

A Shadow of What You Used to Be (8)

Chapter 8: Ensnared | Cal Kestis x Irele Skywalker

Summary: There is another! Years after young Anakin Skywalker departed Tatooine, his mother Shmi delivers a second child—this time, a daughter. Whilst the circumstance of the girl’s birth remains unexplained, Irele Skywalker has yet to choose the true path between those laid out for her.

Tags: Fem! OC, Irele Skywalker, Force-sensitive! OC, Anakin’s Younger Sister, Skywalker! OC, Darth Vader’s Secret Apprentice, Long-lost Sibling

A/N: Hi guys, I’m happy that you’re enjoying the story so far! But I have to let you know that I’ll be in a quick pause from publishing chapters for a while because I have to drop off my laptop in the shop again to have my new SSD put in (because I don’t know how to do it myself). They said it might take five working days, but that will still depend on my place in line. So this might be the last chapter for now, but I hope I get this baby back soon!

Requesting to be tagged: @heavenly1927​

Also in AO3

Chapters: Prelude – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 | Previous: Part 7 | Next: Part 9 | Masterlist

9 of ?

“Hey, Irele, I got a job for us!” the Twi’lek boy, Frelik, panted as he supported himself on the arch of their door, as if he came sprinting from the town to their house in the salt flats.

“For who? Where? When!?” Irele bombarded back, and luckily Frelik answered all questions.

Irele looked over his shoulder, he had reached her house using the sand skimmer that all five of them worked together on. She told them to wait, hurried back inside, jumping to the floor from the first landing of the stairs to the rotunda and sprinted to her bedroom. She was all over the place—flashing from one side of the room to the other, swiping her pack with her tools and her scarf lying in different spots.

“I’m going out!” she announced in a voice loud enough for Owen and Beru to hear, wherever they were, and there was no time for either husband or wife to respond. They just heard the door whiz open and then shut.

Another wrangling job with her friends. It was a normal day, but it was something she enjoyed.

They’ve traveled about ten miles east of Mos Espa. The skimmer did its job, it resembles perhaps a smaller rendition of the complementary hovercraft that comes with a sail barge. Through his binoculars, Frelik spotted a cluster of brown speckles in the sand—a Bantha herd, he had found. Their quarry.

“Drello, full speed ahead!” cried out the tan-skinned Twi’lek to the human male. The boy cranked the lever of the motor and they pulled forward.

They stopped their skimmer in a safe distance, atop a small hill that overlooks the Banthas gathered around a watering hole—a rare sight in this planet. After peering through the lens, Frelik handed the binoculars to no one in particular, Irele took it out of his hands.

“Those aren’t domesticated, alright,” she panned slightly to her right. “We can slide our way down there. We’ll have enough cover so they won’t be startled by us.”

Before they got themselves on the move, Irele scanned the area for any signs of Tusken Raiders. It was not uncommon to have a run-in with Tuskens who were also trying to wrangle up mounts for their numbers; should that happen, the most logical—and only—move is to try your luck for another herd. A group of adult Tuskens versus a small band of children are in no good odds whatsoever.

“We’re clear. We’re the only ones here,” she reassured then returned the binoculars to Frelik. They sprinted back to the skimmer to retrieve their sleds and boards.

“I’m gonna ruin your win streak today, Irele!” prided Drello.

She clapped back after pulling her goggles down and smirked, “We’ll see about that!”

The children ran to the edge of the slope, the Twi’lek siblings shared a sled, Heeda—the other human female besides Irele—had her own sled that can only fit her. Golden blonde and sandy brown tinted the girl’s hair, and a bright-eyed face that proves her to be the youngest of the group, being only a year behind Irele.

A trail of sand plumed as they zipped down. It was a collective skill for them to resist squealing and cheering in delight as they slide down a two- to three-mile long sand slide. Irele and Drello surfed with a quiet confidence in the middle of this friendly competition between the two of them; sweving and leaving snake-trails along the sand, as one overtook the other.

Show off! Said each teenager in their heads, referring to the other.

Only a few meters remain before the group lands on flat grounds. They hopped out of their rides and hurried behind the rocks.

“I thought you were gonna beat my streak, Drello?” jeered Irele.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever!” the boy chide, and the girl snickered under her breath.

Another cautionary look through the lens before they approach the herd and then they scrambled to their positions. For every job they took together, there was always a harmony amongst them, a testament to their three to four years of friendship forged by their odd job life.

As always, Irele was in charge of the actual wrangling—along with Drello and Frelik. The two other girls’ jobs were to tranquilize the animals should any of them escape or refuse to be mounted.

The three vaulted over the rocks, leaving Heeda and Venee—Frelik’s sister—behind. Producing ropes out of their packs as they prowled quietly in the Banthas’ blind spots. Given the beast’s width, the children are practically invisible if they stay directly behind them. They became slower when they crept slower, the ropes primed into a lasso. In all their years in practice of this dangerous trade, they’ve mastered how to cleanly hoop the rope around the Bantha’s thick, spiraling horns.

A solid tug indicated that their ropes have rung around the base of the horns, they jumped onto the giants’ backs. Drello’s Bantha bucked its massive head, attempting to wriggle the rope off. Unfortunately, the boy had caught perhaps a more aggressive one than the rest of the herd; and to add insult to injury, his ropes have tangled around his leg and a few strands of the Bantha’s fur caught along with it.

“Drello, hold on!”

“Irele!” Drello yelped. “HELP!”

“Stay still!”

Seeing the trouble from their post, Heeda and Venee primed their dart guns.

“Wait for my signal, Heeda,” Venee warned. Fives seconds when they saw a clear shot, “Now!”

Two darts charged with a strong dosage of tranquilizer pierced their way through the Bantha’s curtain of fur and thick hide. The girth of the needle was thick enough to penetrate the animal’s skin. Drello’s Bantha seemed to have slowed down and the boy finally won some control over the beast.

“Troublemaker, are ya?! I’ll sell you to the first butcher I see in town!” grumbled a vexed Drello.

“Aw come on, don’t be like that!”

“What? He was the one who tried to buck me off while my leg’s caught in the rope,”

“Maybe he doesn’t like you,” Frelik suggested jokingly and the rest of the children giggled in agreement.

For the Banthas who didn’t put up much of a fight and were tamer, Irele suggested strapping their skimmer to the beasts.

“Since they got ropes around their horns anyway, we can just tie the other end on the winch!” she suggested, and everyone loved the fun idea.

There were no objections from her friends. In fact, they were all in on it! Heeda and Venee wanted to the ride bareback on the Bantha while the other three would sit in the skimmer. All five teenagers giggled in excitement and delight as their idea is about to be put into play, until Irele’s smile vanished, she flinched when she felt a needle prick the back of her shoulder.

“This is PG-957, target has been found and marked.” a sinister, muffled voice spoke through his comlink gauntlet.

No one noticed the tiny dart that had landed in her shoulder, but she easily swatted it off like it was some kind of debris. Little did she know that the tiny bullet that hit her packed such a punch. In her easterly side, she saw two distant figures calling out to her. The first figure waved a piece of cloth to get her attention, the second cupped their mouth with their hands to amplify their voice.

Irele!! Come quick!

“Hey, Irele, what’s wrong?” Frelik asked as he noticed his friend has suddenly gotten quiet.

“Smoke?” she muttered under her breath.

She squinted her eyes, sheltered her head with her scarf and confirmed that a pillar of smoke was in the distance as the Banthas pulled their skimmer.

“Do you see that?” she asked to no one in particular.

“See what?”

“That! That column of smoke over there!”

Frelik and Drello exchanged confused glances, and then back to Irele who had her back turned to them.

She squinted again, the two figures appeared to have gotten closer to where they are, and she could hear their voices.

IRELE, HURRY, IT’S YOUR FAMILY!!

“My home!” she bursts.

“Whoa, hey, Irele, where are you going!?” Drello tried to stop her by grabbing her sleeve but she slipped away.

Irele literally jumped out of a moving skimmer, taking her things with her as well.

“Irele, hey! Come back!” Heeda screeched.

“Where is she going!?” Venee exclaimed.

“There’s nothing over there!” Frelik insisted to his friend as he—along with his companions—watched her sprint into the distant nothingness.

Irele sprinted as fast as she could, those two figures materialized into a pair of older human males. Her friends literally lost her in the desert just when they were about to make their way back to Mos Espa, where they client awaits.

“I can’t see her anymore! Frelik, can you!?”

The Twi’lek growled in frustration, “No, she went straight into the storm!”

“Is she crazy!?” his sister protested.

“We have to go after her!” Heedra insisted.

“We’re not equipped for a sandstorm, Heeda, we can’t turn around. We have to get back to town and get shelter!” Drello argued.

They have no choice. They continued in their original path but they wordlessly promised that they’d come back for her.

Irele followed the direction of the smoke, knowing that it’s coming from the homestead. The adrenaline made her forget the aching of her legs, exhausted from running. She cared not if her friends didn’t believe her, her vision narrowed to the direction of her house. She didn’t even notice that the two males she followed were out of her sight.

The tower of black smoke got bigger as she closed the distance further. At the top of her parched lungs, she cried out for her family.

“OWEN!! BERU!!” she screeched.

She caught sight of her homestead in flames—or so she thinks—the dirty white dome of her house was charred black, a gaping hole put into the front door, the machines in their rotunda had been blown up, and tattered rags scattered across the front of the house.

“No…” she gasped. “NO!! OWEN! BERU! WHERE ARE YOU!?”

She repeated these three names, but an answer did not come.

Irele… a voice called to her.

“Owen!?”

Irele… do not fight it. It instructed her. It was a deep, ominous voice, and after the last word, a sharp robotic breath followed.

She recognizes that voice anywhere. She’s heard it in her nightmares, during the nights where she cannot sleep.

“No… No… Bring them back!” she cried.

She did not know it was an illusion. The sniper who had planted the needle into her flesh had followed the girl aimlessly going into an incoming sandstorm.

Poor Irele spun around in a panic, thinking that she was standing in the premises of her home, when in fact that she was standing in the first few inches of the storm. It was all a blur in her eyes, but she persisted looking for her family. The sniper, a trooper with a unique black armor, watched the poor girl spin until she got dizzy and weak.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader remained unmoving in his meditation chamber, dead center in the black, cold floor. He could hear Irele’s cries, her screaming of Owen and Beru’s names, and he could feel the hot, prickling wind that swats her face. The leather of his gloves squeaked as he tightened his already-closed fists.

Irele…

“No…” she exhaled one last time. “Bring them… back…”

“Target incapacitated. Requesting transport.” The trooper reported and was answered by an incoming transport craft to retrieve the trooper and a knocked out Irele.

–

The storm had eventually died down, but the teenagers’ anxiety did not.

Once they’ve gotten rid of the Banthas, they instantly hopped back on their skimmer and retraced their steps to the location where they lost Irele.

The sandstorm had erased her tracks, but they followed the direction where she aimlessly ran to.

Frelik heavily relied on his binoculars to find any sign of Irele. They had gotten far enough from the path they took when the Banthas pulled their skimmer. Drello may not be the most skilled wrangler, but he was a good tracker.

“We were here when she started talking funny, saying that she sees smoke when there’s nothing at all,” Drello pointed out the subtle indents of their skimmer and the Banthas’ hooves. He then angled his body to his easterly side, mimicking Irele’s position before she ran off. “And then she ran off there.”

“It’s strange,” Frelik added. “I heard her say the word ‘Home’ before she ran… but her house is in that direction.”

“Maybe the heat got to her?” Heeda theorized.

Frelik shook his head, “We didn’t even stay out that long, Heeda.”

“Come on, talking will take us nowhere!” Venee grunted. “Drello, what can you take from here?”

“We go to that direction,”

The skimmer hovered in a steady, leisurely pace; they were careful not to miss anything. The wind picked up as they got farther, a minor aftermath of the sandstorm in the middle of its calm; on his right, Frelik spotted something fluttering in the distance.

“Look! Drello turn us over there,”

Drello went straight ahead for that fluttering brown shape in the wind. Heeda picked it up and they all gathered around it.

“This is Irele’s scarf,” Venee mumbled pessimistically

“Then she must be close!” Heeda’s hopefulness contrasted the Twi’lek girl’s mood.

With only her lost scarf as a clue, it took the group all day trying to find her. The sunset beckoned them to stop. It never crossed their mind that they have to tell this to Owen and Beru, and they were scrambling over on what to tell them, how to say and explain it all, and that they’ll witness firsthand the wrath of Owen Lars—as well as his grief.

Reluctant, they drove their skimmer to the Lars homestead, with only a piece of Irele to bring home to her family. Up to now, not one of them have decided who will speak to Owen—neither do they have the courage to walk up to the front door.

They agreed that they go together, however, they hesitate to come an inch closer.

Eventually, Owen appeared out of the door.

“Oh, good thing you kids are back before dark.”

Silence from the children. Drello clutched onto Irele’s scarf so hard that it creased.

Owen’s eyes shifted left to right, counting in his mind, and it hit him.

“Where’s Irele?”

The teenagers flinched—shoulders flinched, sweaty fists clenched tighter, and knees were knocking.

Owen repeated the question until he spotted the scarf crumpled up into a ball.

“That’s Irele’s,” he pointed weakly at it. “Where is she!?”

“We… We’re sorry, but we lost her…”

“Lost her? Lost her!? Lost her how?!”

The raising of Owen’s voice attracted Beru—carrying Luke—to go outside. She finds Irele’s group being confronted by her husband.

“Owen, what’s going on here?”

“Irele didn’t come with them.”

“What?!” Beru gasped, her brown eyes widened.

Venee stepped forward, “We were on our way back, honest! But she started acting strange. She looked distraught about your house, she said she spotted smoke coming from here but…”

“What smoke? We were perfectly fine here all day!” Owen interrupted.

The Twi’lek girl continued, alternately looking to her friends. They vouched her every word with nervous yet truthful nods.

“That’s the thing, sir. What’s worse is… she ran into an incoming sandstorm. That’s when we lost her.”

Heeda stepped in Venee’s side, “It’s true what Venee said. We tried to look for her when the storm passed, honest! We just didn’t want to stay until dark because of the Tuskens.”

“We’re sorry,” Frelik said sadly and with a misplaced guilt. “But this is what we can only find of her.”

Drello unfurled the scarf and held it in both hands, presenting it to Irele’s brother. The young boy stepped forward to hand it over to the man who was hesitant to take it from his hands. Unable to accept that this was a rhyme to the fate of his late stepmother.

“No…” Owen’s rage melted into grief and distress. His heart wrenched. “Oh no…”

“Owen…”

Luke tugged the collar of Beru’s jacket and quietly asked, “Aunt Beru, where’s Irele?”

Unable to grasp how Irele’s friends had lost her, neither can Beru explain it to her nephew-in-law.

“Irele’s… Irele won’t be home for a while, dear.”

“Why?”

At a loss, Beru gave up looking for answers, there were no right ones after all.

“I don’t know, darling, I don’t know…”

As soon as Irele’s scarf came to Owen’s hands, he did not care anymore who would see him break down to tears. His knees melted, his back arched as he embraced a remnant of his dear sister—his remaining closest kin next to Luke—as he was fueled by the burning determination to find her.

Even if it meant he will have to repeat his father’s steps in finding Shmi all those years ago, then he would do the same for Irele. But for this night, the dunes heard his sobs and buried them underneath each and every grain of sand.

The next few days seemed desperate and hopeless. Owen had called up every men who were willing to come with him in search of Irele, her friends joined in as well. By the day, their numbers thinned out—majority giving up on the search as they could not find any other relevant leads except the scarf and the girl’s last known position.

“Give it a rest, Owen! The girl’s probably lost, or worse, fallen into a Sarlacc pit while in a heatstroke daze.”

“DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT MY SISTER!” Owen swung with a finger pointed at the man who claimed such an assumption.

Knowing that this was not worth his time and energy anymore, the scout gave up and turned tail. Owen originally rounded up at least fifty men scattered across the outskirts of the major towns, even as far as the Dune Sea; though little by little, they all gave up on the search as well as Owen himself. Some with a heart apologized and wished him luck in finding the teenage girl.

“Oh, Irele…” Owen huffed, exhausted. “Where are you…?”

He was forced to stop the search just a few hours before sunset. He sent her friends home earlier. Upon returning to the house, he watched as Beru quickly walked out of the kitchen with a hopeful face—only for that hopefulness to fade away when she saw that her husband arrived alone.

She awkwardly dismissed herself and returned to the kitchen. Leaving Luke playing with a toy cruiser and shuttle on the table. Owen sat across him, the boy continued playing and reentered the little world he’s created with his ships, accompanied by little scaled figurines carved out of painted wood.

And from that day forward, something in Owen changed. In the following years, he would have grown old and sterner especially towards the remaining youngest family member—his nephew. Never mind if Luke would resent Owen’s ways in disciplining him or keeping him grounded, if it meant keeping him safe and preventing the same fate to happen to the boy, then he would do it.

He cannot afford to lose another part of his family.

[onceuponatimewithhaleigh]

Time to catch up!

I'm so sorry I kinda vanished! Well, I didn't kind of vanish. I straight poofed. So I'm going to catch you guys up on what's happened since the start of August. Quite a lot has gone on, and I needed to kinda - I don't really know? Mentally I was just gone. Like August happened? I don't remember it. But anyhow here we go!

My Skin Spot:

Not cancer! My doctor so politely told me "Sometimes spots just pop up as we... get older." So. Guess I'm just gonna have some serious blemishes the older I get. Haha! I mean, not going to lie, I'm salty about it. But I'd rather be 'getting old' than have cancer. So that's all good!

Meeting with Dr. Lak:

Doctor Lak is my future surgeon for my gastric bypass. She's really really nice. Super friendly and super supportive. She got me all setup - so I have a slue of appointments made. Due to my insurance, I have to see a dietitian for six months consecutively before I can have the surgery. I also have to pass a nicotine test. So - I have to quit smoking ASAP. Which, I need to anyhow. (more on my smoking at the end lol) but overall she was absolutely fantastic!

College(Part One):

Before classes started I talked to my amazing Academic Advisor, Kathrine - and I told her some of my interests and my plans for after college. And we both kinda poked around at my minoring in Photography. To me, that wasn't really enough, so I am now a double major!

OBGYN:

I haven't said anything here, but I have plans in becoming a mother as soon as my health permits. Now I am not in a relationship, nor do I plan to be. I want to be a single mother. Some people think I'm absolutely bat-shit crazy for that. But I think, for me that is the best thing. I have an extremely supportive family, and I have zero doubt in my mind that my child will be loved as much and so much more than they'd ever possibly need! The issue here was A. my weight. B. my family has a history of fertility issues. C. I have PCOS. D. I don't have a partner haha, Kinda need two to tango ;) That all being said, I had mentioned this to my OBGYN, who retired randomly on me in March(with no notice - canceled pre-existing appointments, and with no doctors accepting new patients). I had been telling him about bad pains I'd been having for a while, and he never really listened to me or made any move to investigate. I did my own research, as well as spoke to people about it - and thought I may have Endometriosis. I brought my thoughts to him. He shrugged and said "That's probably it." and made Z E R O effort to figure it out. After three months of pain being horrible to the point sometimes when I was driving, I'd have a flare-up and I'd have to pull over because the pain was so bad I couldn't breathe or see. Then he retired. Then there were no doctors accepting anyone new. So. FINALLY - August 10th I get into a new OBGYN, Dr. Curtis. The first impression was "dudes young and super hip this is gonna be weird..." I'm weird when it comes to doctors, but doctors messing around down there I'm even weirder LOL. I feel like if my OB was a woman there's some weird competition 'Mines prettier...' I have no idea don't judge me xD I told him my wants and things and he told me sadly some older doctors just don't care. they're very black and white. And he was spot on. He told me I probably don't have endometriosis. Put me back on birth control, told me to have the gastric surgery, and then he'd get me in for an exam, and he'd get me to a fertility clinic. He supported me 100% in wanting to become a single mother. He did say that I was the youngest he'd ever seen himself, but he had no issues moving forward with me doing that. Told me a year after surgery, he'd get me to a clinic and we'd get me a baby xD

Dietitian:

My dietitian's name is Andrea, and guys, I love her. She is so goofy as scatterbrained it makes me giggle! I learned a lot during that call though! (all my appointments with gastric have been on the computer/phone) So, this hospital does post-surgery stuff differently than any others in the area, and they've found it's got the best results. So after surgery, I'd usually be on a liquid diet for 6 weeks. Which is standard. Nope! Not here! After surgery, I'll be on a pure protein diet. Not shakes- PUREAED MEAT. How gross right? Meat slushie anyone? Gag lol She goes "Everyone seems to love the pureed eggs" and I literally gagged in the call xD This is gonna be the death of me. Another thing that had me completely shook was that with a stomach the size of an EGG after surgery, I still have to drink 64oz of water a day. She said I can only drink 2oz at a time. So I basically have to take a shot of water every 10 minutes ALL DAY LONG. But! I can't drink anything at all for 30 minutes BEFORE I eat, I can't drink WHILE EATING(which I have to eat 3/4 a cup over 45 minutes-_-), and I can't drink shit for 30 minutes AFTER I eat. So. This shit's gonna be wild man. I'm excited but anxious as hell. And for the rest of my life, I'll be taking vitamin supplements.

Weight:

Currently, my weight is 417lbs

College(Part Two):

So. Friday(Aug. 28th) before the term starts, I have a massive breakdown. That Monday the first week the course was available to look at. We could submit anything, but we could go in and do the work and submit it later. Well. I got in there in my Introduction to Liberal Arts(IDS-100), and boooyyy did I overreact. :) I freaked out. I got overwhelmed because my IDS-100 professor is a very longwinded man. The email I had gotten made everything seem way way more complicated than necessary. And I basically went into spiral mode. 

'is a college education reallllyyyy that important?'

'What's the point?'

'I'm gonna fail anyhow, so why try?'

'My family will think I'm a failure...'

'I shouldn't even try, so I don't fail.'

A whole slue of shit thoughts went through my head, and I took it, man. That little demon in my brain just bitching "Never good enough. Not smart enough! Failure." And I sat there and took it like a little bitch. I got so bad I called my advisor, Good ole Kathrine, and LUCKY FOR ME; she was busy and didn't answer. I had the ability to talk to another advisor, but I didn't wanna sob into a stranger's ear so LOL. I called my dad when I was balls deep into a panic attack, and he came down and talked me out of it, and then told me he'd sit with me when I do classwork so he can help if I need it. Which, It's not really that I need help, I was worried about my comprehension of the information I read in class. Because I'm a very visual learner and one of those that talks shit out. And being online, I'm alone in my room so uh lol But yeah. He talked me down, got me all calmed down. Then the next day, my advisor called and asked why I'd called and she apologized for not being available and I laughed and told her straight "It's better you were busy, Cause I'd have dropped out." and she was shocked. Told her all of what happened and what was going on in my head and she told me she was gonna set up weekly appointments with me after each module opens. a new module opens every Monday. and she said she was gonna call me every Tuesday. I went on a spiel about how I feel ridiculous cause I'm being a burden. And she squashed that thought hella fast. So long story short. I am so blessed to have a support system between my dad and my wonderful advisor Kathrine. Lol

Boooo:

I gained a new allergy and lost an old one. I have no idea how that worked. But. No longer allergic to Soy. But now have a TERRIBLE reaction to all dairy products... Which fuckin blows because I live in Wisconsin, and I L O V E cheese. -_- Cheese hates me. :(BYE GUYS!

Whoops!

Forgot about the smoking bit, this is an Edit lmao Basically - TOTALLY thought I could drop smoking cold turkey cause that's how I'd done it every time I'd quit smoking before. Welp. Not this time :) I was a raging bitch, and a HORRIBLE migraine that was so bad I couldn't do ANYTHING. And to top it all off, I had a panic attack lol So. It's the time of year I usually start to quit anyhow. I'm so weird. I'm a seasonal smoker. Living in Wisconsin I am NOT keen on smoking in below zero temperatures in winter. I'd like to keep my fingers. This year I started smoking earlier than usual because I was out of state where freezing winter temperatures were a minimum of like, 37*F and I'm like *cackles in Wisconsinite* CHILDS PLAY!!! So, I started smoking again in December lol Anyway, now- my dad's in control of my smokes. He gives me my daily allowance in a ziplock bag which made me laugh so fucking hard because just like I actually said to him "I feel like you're my dealer and I'm sneaking something naughty!" lol Right now I'm aloud 10 a day. Which is probably 3-5 less than I usually smoke a day. So. I'm kinda feeling it. But my dads controlling them. So this should be fun. :) That's all! Bye guys!

[thespacequail]

Darling in the Franxx (ep. 15)

HOLY FREAKING...well, that certainly was a LOT that happened in only 24 minutes.  A lot of plot threads, a really good fight scene, a lot of new questions, but most importantly that thing where the OP plays during the climax, amazing.  There’s a lot going on here, I’ll probably miss some, but I’ll try. *warning* This is a very long post.

>”Don’t worry Hiro, we’ll be fine.”  All I’m thinking at this point is cut to black, Always Sunny in Philadelphia theme playing, “The gang fucking dies.”  It was a pretty good scene though, it showed me at least how much more I care about the cast now than I did back in episode 6, which if from “not at all” to “if you kill any main characters I will cry”.

>Huh, so the Nines have the guys and girls in swapped positions, that’s interesting, the guys also have holographic horns that look like 02′s, veeeerrry interesting...  But like, are they bad guys?  Are they neutral? What’s their angle here?  Every time they show up, they just raise more questions.

>Yup, all those dudes at the end of last episode got sucked dry by 02 (*lenny face*), Dr. Franxx you are still one sick puppy, but it’s hard to tell what your end goal is here, you may act like you care about 02′s well-being, but I don’t buy it, you have some ulterior motive and I WILL FIND IT. Eventually.  When it’s served up for all to see on a silver platter.  BUT THEN I WILL KNOW FOR SURE WHAT YOU ARE ON ABOUT!

>So Papa and his marry group of fucks are still being cryptic as all hell, what wish do they want that needs control of the Gran Crevasse? The heck is a Hringhorni? By pests do you mean Klaxxosaurs, humans, children, all of the above?  I don’t get it.  But the cut away to Streliza when Dr. Franxx says he wants a front row seat, now thats good editing.

>Now this is a good fight scene! Bright colors, understandable positions of every combatant, not breaking the 180* rule, even the CG wasn’t bad.  Where was this quality of animation earlier?  Doesn’t matter, we got to see everyone be badass and that’s good for me.

>And now for your requisite Plot ex Machina, an even bigger Klaxxosaur that no one has even heard of.  *sigh* I mean, you already burned out the Guttenberg class, and power creep is a thing, this was inevitable...fine...I’m fine...it’s fine...fight a fucking mountain, at least it looks cool.  That panning side shot of the internals of the Plantation, now that was really cool looking, I paused the video to look closer at it, highly detailed for a shot only a second long, I respect that.  Then Papa tells the red shirts to kamikaze the thing, which is messed up, but it confirms the whole fanaticism thing people have for him, cause despite knowing they’re being told to die outright, they do it anyway, and of course it does effectively nothing at all, good fucking job, you killed a bunch of kids for no evident reason, but you don’t care do you? I’m talking to a brick wall here, let’s just move the fight to a new backdrop yeah?

>Whoa, those are some gnarly horns 02, you feeling ok?  Who am I kidding, we all know the answer is “utterly distraught but refusing to show it”, this is actually a really cool design evolution for her, I dig it, but more on that later.

>Slight tangent, how close is the Garden to the briefing room?  How long did it take Hiro to calmly get there while a freaking war was taking place? And the bit with the mirror...like, I get it, it’s symbolic, but it fell kinda flat for me, was that really the only kick in the pants you could think to get Hiro down there? And not to mention after taking his sweet time he goes out and finds a training drone to get to 02.  THE LAYOUT OF THE PLANTATION MAKE NO SENSE UNLESS THE FIGHT WAS GOING ON FOR HOURS ON END!  AND WHO LET HIRO CASUALLY USE THE ELEVATOR IN THIS TIME OF CRISIS!? *ahem* Right, back to the battle.

>Hey look, it’s that old lady from the Zorome episode!  She contributes nothing to this scene!  Ok, that’s not entirely true, her being there reminds us what Zorome is fighting for, and how his resolve to fight for the adults is probably more than just orders to him.  The framing is also really cool, gives some nice perspective on the size of the robots, and the lady watching as Zorome’s robot (I dont know the specific name, and yeah it’s Miku’s too, but this shot is about Zorome) is pretty poignant, provides some payoff for that episode.

>My man Goro!  Finally fed up with all the bullshit and taking control.  Letting Hiro and Ichigo work this out together was the best way to go about this, and he did it so well, and the bit with Zorome/Miku telling him to stop trying to act all cool was so appropriate for them, lightening the mood before things got heavy.

>And boy does shit get heavy.  The mind melding thing was cool, and would you look at that, Ichigo is not a bad character, she just had to be shown what her actions meant, seeing that was a hard pill to swallow, but needed.  I really like how 02′s thought captions mirror Hiro’s, but are distorted, capital letters and numbers thrown in at random, it works for her in the state she’s in.  Now the fight between them was cool, but let’s be honest, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DESIGN A ROBOT TO HAVE HAIR UNDER THE HELMET?  DID YOU EXPECT IT TO BREAK?  WHY DOES IT MOVE LIKE ACTUAL HAIR? EACH LOCK SHOULD BE THE SIZE OF A FREAKING SEDAN! *ahem* It’s just dumb, but whatever, helps distinguish her silhouette against all the Nines who’s robots look kinda similar.

>Before we get to the flashback of sad, it’s time for plot revelations! Yay!  Turns out the Klaxxo-cores are humans in some way!  Well that was...kinda unexpected, reminds me of the Anti-Spirals from Gurren Laggan a little bit.  I do like how the kids are trying to deny it, they don’t want to believe it’s possible, but here it is, right in front of your eyes.  And you know what else is in front of your eyes?  Papa blowing up Plantations to break the dome, cause he doesn’t give a fuck about any of you, that’s a fun pill to swallow and will definitely effect some character’s perceptions going forward.  “Release them from the cages of their bodies.”?  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? THIS SCENE IS CREEPY AS ALL HELL MAN!

>FLASHBACK TIME! I AM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE!  But I was right about the blood thing! Yes, it was obvious, but still right! GOD BABY 02 YOU ARE MAKING ME SAD! *unintelligible sounds of despair* It’s just a really good scene ok? Then her horns shattering? Beautiful.  This is EXACTLY what I want from these characters, their interaction was so raw and good and the kiss, AUGH!

>OH SHIT THEY’RE PLAYING THE OPENING!  OH SHIT TRUE FORM UNLOCKED! WOOOOOOO!  I am fully aboard the hype train here.  Ichigo’s single tear was good, I think she’s come to terms with the fact Hiro wants to be with 02, that they are in love and she has to let him go, it hurts, but it’s for the best.  Still not a huge fan of the bird metaphor, but I will take it here cause we got character growth out of it, and I like that.

>A giant...hand? And the Nines knew about it because of course they do.  That is one hell of a cliffhanger, I think we are reaching that point, the point in every Trigger show where the plot does a 180* and things get W E I R D, and I am so ready for that.

Ok, that went on way longer than expected, but they packed a whole heck of a lot in this episode, so I had a lot I wanted to talk about.  I think this show has definitely “gotten good”  and I am super excited to see them start answering some questions as to what in the hell is going on here.

[buddaimond]

”Chris Hardwick, stand-up comedian, actor, voice actor, television host, writer, producer, podcaster, and musician, CEO of Nerdist Industries interviewed Robert Pattinson for 50 minutes. Listen to this great podcast:

Highlights of Rob’s interview & my notes *Rob’s quote in bold:

Starts at 8:00

Explaining the current press tour, how the Safdie brothers (directors) are more focused than him.

Vaguely embarrassed about talking about his acting process “What if someone doesn’t like it?”

“Pretty much all of my drive and enthusiasm for anything is born out of chronic insecurity and self-hatred. It's kind of annoying. it's a vicious circle if you ever get out of that then you’ve succeeded in something, like you ain’t gonna be lost forever”

Shared that even Bruce Springsteen felt similar chronic insecurity and “visions of grandeur and sickness in equal measure”

His admiration for The Band, which he wanted to do a movie on, where these people who wrote “massive stuff” and “spectacular pieces of art” at only 22, recollected that he doesn’t even know what he was doing at 22.

He only thought he wanted to be an actor “ACTOR” at 25. "I always just think I approach everything thinking it's going to be my last time every single time, and a lot of my decision-making processes “is this the one you're going to go down for? Is that amazing decision for the right reason?”

Making movies whether it is a hit or whether people like it or not, at least he could take aways two things that were important to him from his past endeavours, prior to Twilight,

He was getting jobs up until a point that he thought "this is going to be my life” and then just suddenly hit a brick wall. Twilight came along to be his big peak, but he could quite successfully disassociate myself from that, because he could psyched himself in thinking that it could just be taken away, and it was another nut down the road of his career.

Praising the Safdie brothers for their incredibly organazied minds, phenomenal people skills (both of which he does not have), how they could imagine a movie in their head and know technically they could put it together, and he is only beginning to understand the relationships between a director and the actor.

“You just had to have more trust in yourself and because when you don't have trust in yourself then you can't trust a director either. And so I think I would constantly be thinking that I somehow needed to mold a story from inside. As the performance rather than just accepting that it's their medium, and also I just got better at choosing directors as well. I sort of realized because sometimes you do you work with a director and they're just not in control of it... You try and control it but you literally can't control as a director at all. It's impossible well...you have one small piece... you're just a cog and if you try and do your own thing you'll just break the machine”

“I guess now I just have quite a smooth relationship with everybody I work with, it's just way less contentious than it used to be.”

He recalled having to read the teleprompter the other day and having read his speech 15 times from his card (in the car) before finally understanding it.

”I get nervous when I think there's any kind of expectation that's in any form of my life. If there's any expectation then I'll freak out and fail. I just have to set up my entire life to make sure that I'm in my own lane and not competing with anybody. Otherwise I know, I can't compete. As I was talking about auditioning, I don't like it. but if you realized if you just invent your own game and no one else knows to rules aside from you, then its fine.”

He has auditioned twice and gotten one of them so far (post Twilight)

It is not a pick and choose situation at all for him when it comes to his projects. The big projects with well-known directors that he’d want to work with, he hasn’t done enough to be really recognized or sought after. For those that wanted him “to get financing” he doesn’t want to work with them anyway. He has recognized over the years that he really like to be the A&R (artiste and repertoire) kind of person who is trying to find something with true potential that the majority of people have not realized yet. Then he will “completely go in on them, committing a million percent” which is what he did on Good Time. 

His love for movies, he watched a lot of them. Sometimes doubting himself imagining that he will ruin the movies if he were to play the roles he has his eyes on. He chose script by finding a fit to the kind of zeitgeist, the idea of the type of character that he wants to play and will search for it.

His preparation process before a project: his anxiety builds up before a project starts, when he gets really obsessed with the script and thinks everything is going to be amazing. When the date draws closer he just reaches a point of not understanding anything “it doesn’t even make any sense, it is not even written in English…the directors’ previous works are all shit…” and gets worse and worse spiralling out of control, and he will start to act out on everyone around him, getting their sympathy etc. Then one day his agent told him “you just like this feeling, you get high from anxiety” which he admitted about feeding on the adrenalin from anxiety.

In making the “fear” real. “The most real thing in the world is pain, and if you somehow figure out some kind of psychological or physical pain which is associated with the job” ….many artists or actors set up walls when they feel the devastation from pain (even when faking it) or doing it as an addiction, “whatever you still have to do it, ....you have to figure out a way, to trick yourself... to use everything inside of you...now I am going to make it real”

Funny story : My dad has always given me relationship advice. And my mom and dad have been married for nearly 40 years, and my dad said “You know, at the end of the day, love is just a fancy you’ve created for yourself. It’s only in your own head”…and I said “you shouldn’t this right in front of her (his mom). And his mom said “he’s right you know”

Living in character: “That is generally why I kind of stay in isolation if I’m trying to do something. It got so much easier because you create real arguments with everyone in that situation”

“I have those conversation the whole time (with my brain) every single decision I made, I consult my brain and especially like  “is the yes bigger or the no bigger?”…. I don’t know, I think that’s a yes…”

"I always find it strange when someone's saying “oh yeah well this is because of this, and this or that” it's like, if you say something and someone acknowledges your unique individuality I think it's much more comforting.... It is scary to think you are part of a herd and you're just a number. I think I would almost prefer to be unique and alone.”

“I am very very in my own head like almost constantly. Since I was a kid. Need to be in therapy to be less afraid of confrontation. I hold grudges and never tell people because I don’t want to piss them off. I just don’t talk to them again, just ghost it!”

“I remember growing up, my dad was like “you can do anything you want, just don’t be loud” I was just very uncomfortable with that kind of people not thinking things through all the time, and I think that’s why now I’m very attracted to parts where people are very upfront, not really second guessing themselves.”

He never understood that acting to be fun (for some performers). It is a kind of hybrid therapy for him. “Some people see it as a job, but I think that’s crazy. What you’re doing there, so you’re making faces, practice making faces so people are able to hire you? I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, I have no idea what the skills are, I literally just know there’s something which I want to confront in my real life, I am going to use the excuse of this fictional situation, which is like a kind of reality safety net so I can do all these stuff, because it is not real.”   

“It is just a way to experiment, how you would feel in a situation and you can have a safety net. Most of the time you avoid doing certain thing because you don’t want to have to deal with the consequences afterwards, whereas in a movie, you can do things and then sort of not really deal with it.”

He talked about Netflix, Cinephile videos where he can get an entire catalogue of directors from that place a lot of which is not on Netflix. He loved doing that. “I'd like being a sponge the things”

He felt Ciro Guerra’s Embrace of the Serpent (a Columbian movie) is an insane and magical thing from the first shot. He was mesmerised, and he doesn’t understand how it was made. He hassled Gueraa to give him a job which is happening early next year “How can you make something so magical?” “I want to know how you make it so magical!”. He doesn’t think anyone can really explain their thing in creating magic, he knows some will have innate talent. In general, it is putting in tonnes of time and practice and work till you get it right.

The story about his sister’s magician friend who did this card trick of always getting the right card (90% accuracy) he picked. He knew it is about certain patterns and work put in, and concluded that “if you are a true magician, then you are actually looking for the thing which is real...then the real matter is not a trick.”

He has waited for years to work with Claire Denis. “I think all these things are just like having a relationship with someone. You have that initial moment, you only fall in love with people of things so many times or that find something, you just get that feeling of falling in love with it, you might not necessarily know what it is but you should 100% chase it down afterward.” Like this next thing (Claire Denis project) “I remember seeing it, as it is directly clear to me, who is one of my favourite directors, but I remember seeing her first movie when I was shooting the last Twilight movie in Louisiana and it was on TV. I remember being so struck five and a half year ago, and I tracked her know. She’d never made a fully English language movie before and I just kinda stay involved...”

He was going to Jimmy Kimmel later and his mind is going crazy. What goes through his mind where there was a fans-”grabby period”. Luckily, when he is in a calm situation, his brain will be filed with anxiety and panic and then when he is in a panic-anxiety-inducing situation, his brain completely calms down (totally zen). He has no idea why and it is kind of helpful, like he gets dumped of serotonin. When something feels really nerve wrecking, his heartbeat will slow down and have this weird out-of-body-experience. In those situation (similarly to being on social media), he would have a desperate need to make everyone like him. “just like me, like me!” That is why he will never have social media, he will never go off his phone and will be staring at it all day which is 100% complete waste of energy.

Fight or flight situation. He is either zen and calm, or (a few times that happened) when someone confronts him said one thing, then he has compressed rage (built up from 5 years) thrown out at that person.

“To maintain any kind of career for long, somehow it will get out, people will get a feeling of who you actually are, it is impossible to keep something contained, especially now. Unless you literally never leave your house, but then, it reflects on what type of person you are”

[marlaalcott]

I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.