#anyway this moment was cathartic as a trauma survivor
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dominijoyce · 2 months ago
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EPIC the Musical is about themes of being a monster and ruthlesseness and trauma and how far you'll go to reach what has been taken from you so many times and not themes of gods vs mortals
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cococowboah · 1 year ago
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Patreon removed a story of mine as a character in it suffered from SA instigated by her father.
Now, Patreon can do whatever it wants, that's their platform. But they specifically asked me to remove that part of the story if I wanted it to stay up.
I'm pissed, not because "oh no, I can't make money on it," no. Nobody was reading SPURRED, it wasn't an active project, and I'm not currently making money on ANY of my projects anyway. I don't care about that.
What I'm pissed about is how this might affect my future works if I ever do begin making a living from my work through Patreon. I'm not going to just change my characters stories because they deal with uncomfortable topics like SA. I'm an SA survivor, I write characters who are SA survivors. I'm not going to censor myself or my projects because a corporation says I need to if I want to benefit from their platform.
So, I don't really know what to do now. Pieces of Him is also going to deal with SA. I can't even consider putting it on Patreon now knowing I'm going to get a notice that I need to change pivotal moments of a character's backstory for the sake of a corporation wanting to maintain a squeaky clean image.
And before anyone asks, no, the story did not explicitly detail the SA itself. Insinuation was as far as I went. I wanted the reader to feel uncomfortable without feeling offended. I wanted the reader to feel uncomfortable because it's an uncomfortable fucking topic and it shouldn't be skirted around. If someone didn't like it they didn't need to read it.
I'm so sick of how censored the internet is getting. It's NOT for the sake of protecting SA survivors who may be triggered by certain details of a story. This is about making the internet nice and clean and proper for advertisers and investors. It's not about you. It's not about me. It's about money and it always will be.
If it were about protecting survivors, then they would acknowledge that engaging with media that explicitly deals with those subjects and characters overcoming the trauma surrounding SA can be cathartic for survivors if they choose to do so.
Again if you are uncomfortable with something then do. not. read. it. There is a detailed warning at the beginning of the story. It is the responsibility of the reader to gauge what they're okay with and not okay with. Not mine.
I just wanna take a moment to thank platforms like AO3, our literal final bastion for freedom of speech and creativity. SPURRED isn't a fan project so it doesn't really belong on AO3 but I'm thankful that we have one place on the internet where I know my work is never going to be removed or requested to be changed for any reason whatsoever. It's the one place where I can write without the anxiety of a corporate overlord looking over my shoulder and saying "Nope! Don't like this! Change it!"
Rant over, to sum it up, fuck censorship and, does anyone know of any good Patreon alternatives? I definitely can't use them for future projects knowing what I know now. It's only a matter of time before a guidelines update gets Pieces of Him axed for "Promoting Homosexuality and Infidelity" as well as Paul's past as an SA survivor.
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defensivelee · 11 months ago
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having a fucking moment out here tonight so heres a rant uncalled for
tw for csa and maybe internalized aphobia? idfk
and ig I talk about six lives a bit so there's that
it's such a weird experience being aroace and a csa survivor... like I know there is an automatic revulsion to anything sexual irl (in fiction I am obv more than ok with it) but I don't know where that's from
I think on occasion that the reason there's such a strong aversion is bc of the csa. it definitely fucks with me in multiple ways but that is one thing that I REALLY don't like to think about, that I'm aspec bc of that. for me that is something I don't want to be. there's always talk about how ace people just have sexual trauma, and yeah a lot of people do and are ace. it's valid asf for them but for me I just shy away from the explanation. it feels like I'm enforcing a stereotype, and I KNOW that's bad thinking and I'm trying to shake myself off of it but it's where my head ends up anyway. I constantly... without any words rlly... apologize to myself for this. I don't want to ever have to explain me being aspec, and that includes to myself.
writing William in six lives has weirdly helped with that, tbh he's helped with a ton. but this kind of puts all my issues in someone else and I can view this in an almost detached manner. he's ace, also a csa survivor, but what I really enjoy seeing is that despite this he can still fuck. I wanted him to be someone who simultaneously cares too much and yet too little about sex with other people. I think his whole careless-yet-cautious attitude about it is smth I wish I had, which tbh isn't great... he brushes it off for himself and yet cannot stand it in the moment. the main thing I think I like is that he can still do it at all, that despite everything he's not completely 'ruined,' a bit of an awful mindset in his especially aphobic society. I can't even have that.... and again, this is just me being fucking awful to myself, I love all aspecs
I just hate the idea that what happened to me impacted me like that, forever. I don't want to give my abuser any kind of power and it feels like this is what's happening. but I think ultimately (and very often in times like these).... I would have been aspec either way. being ace just feels so right. for ME, at least, I know it wouldn't feel that way if my experiences caused that
it's something William struggles with too. he's not at all certain why he's 'broken'... in fact, in this society, being ace isn't really a well known thing and sex is like. rlly important to them. and this just further convinces him that the csa is the prime reason, everybody else fucks and is happy and feels attraction, and like me he hates that idea. that the man who hurt him then is still ruining his life now. and even more so bc he also feels that this is just who he is, no one else had a say. but someone did and it's not fucking fair
I like to see this conflict in him, it's very cathartic for me to see it spelled out, and more importantly validating bc he just wants to be happy in that identity, like I want to be and for the most part usually am. I feel how angry he is, but for this righteously so and I write with that anger
he also would have been ace either way. bc of this society's refusal to address this tho it might take him a while to realize that this is him and he's not broken and he's fine.
maybe one day I'll write this realization bc just thinking about it makes me cry happy tears
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hawkland · 3 years ago
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(Mostly) Destiel Fic Recs #5
This is a LONG recs post because it’s been a while since I did an update and I fell hard into reading one author’s work (DeanRH). In fact I could easily do a rec post just of their fics alone, but for this round I’m just going to pick out a handful of my absolute favorites so far, the ones I’d recommend to start out with, along with more other authors’ works I’ve especially enjoyed lately.
Absolution at the Five-and-Dime by DeanRH (125k)  - this is perhaps THEE DeanRH fic to start with if you want a good, long read with a little bit of everything (Roadtrips! Intriguing casefic! Americana! Tasty Dean/Cas pining! Wing!kink and unique angel lore! Kinky soul fisting and tentacles!) It’s kind of two of parallel stories in one: the first, a flashback to Dean and Sam's first year hunting on their own (as well as trying to avoid hunting, and John in general); the second on how Dean and Cas finally get together during an unusual case and when Dean is able to really let go of his past trauma and accept himself/accept love from Cas. 
What I love about DeanRH’s work is that they write from the unique point of view of a drifter, so they understand living on the road, traveling place to place, and the highs and lows of that life like no others I’ve encountered in SPN before. (The author’s notes are often as much fun to read as the stories themselves). They also write a kickass angel!Cas and never lose sight of his non-human traits and background. Their writing style is unique - almost poetic in nature, and I know some readers have found it difficult to get into. But it works really well for me in their SPN fic...gives it the flavor of oral story telling as might actually happen at a drifter’s camp (with one story written exactly as such). Be warned this particular fic does play up the idea of John Winchester being mentally abusive and Dean having to turn tricks when he was younger in order to support him and Sam, so there is some dark stuff. But as someone who grew up with mentally abusive parent, reading this was extremely cathartic to me and believably written (unlike some stories that go too over the top with abusive John, or just don't understand how that kind of abuse leaves lifetime psychological scars.)
The rest of this round’s recs below the cut.
Carnevale by DeanRH (18k) - Actually the first fic by this author I read, because I just couldn’t resist a story set in my favorite place in the world, Venice, Italy. Castiel is the Angel of Venice, banished there for so long he does not even know or remember the reasons why. But Carnevale season is the one time a year he can let his wings out - figuratively and literally. And during this particular Carnevale season, he meets an intriguing masked young American tourist there with his brother and their one night stand turns into something far more powerful than either expected. This one’s hot, romantic, and achingly sad at the end as it all ties together unexpectedly with canon-verse...though with a hint for the future so it’s definitely not totally sad. I loved how DeanRH clearly understands Venice as a fellow lover of the city, the side of it most tourists never see unless they spend a long time there. This story made me cry just from wanting to be back in Venice again.
Ice cream was sweeter, food more satisfying, everything was an epicurean delight. There was just something magical about Venice, and he had lived here in the city for hundreds of years, so the shine should have worn off by now.
But it didn't, and there was always something more, something wonderful to discover around the next corner. The painted eaves of a church. The beauty of two women dancing with flowers in their teeth across the Piazza San Marco one day, overcome by the sheer joy of just being there. The way the university students still created Venetian masks, like Castiel's extravagant volto mask and Dean's humble servetta muta, with crafts that had been handed down across the generations. The morning silence that lay against the stones.
Hard Landing by DeanRH (26.9k) - A bit similar in theme to Carnevale. A pre-series Dean and Sam are sight-seeing in Spain when an angel, struck by a babel-spell, crash lands right in front of Dean. A strange yet seriously hot encounter with the angel turns into something much more complicated when the brothers return home and realize something more serious is afoot and they are both trapped in the middle of it. This is another story where things are very much not as they seem at first (as fun as that is!) It features master strategist Cas at his best, with a side helping of delightful trickery care of Gabriel and Balthazar as they deal with Lucifer, Michael...and a few others along the way.
The Sacred Band of Thebes by DeanRH (14.5k) - The last DeanRH fic I’m gonna allow myself to include in this round up, because it’s just very soft and sweet and beautiful - for a story about Dean & Cas being magically transported back in time to ancient Sparta! This is another story infused with a great knowledge of place and history, with some wonderfully delightful original characters added in that make it all the more enjoyable to read.
And now on to some other authors, I promise!
IPAMIS OL OLPRIT by emmbrancsxx0 (56k). A really wonderful fic that take a different look at what might have happened with a temporarily resurrected John Winchester during Season 14. Dean & Cas are in an established relationship here, and John here isn’t too happy about it — though mostly because he sees Cas (and Jack) as monsters, the kind of monsters he spent his lifetime hunting. This is a great fic for the emotional complexity of how John, Dean and Cas are all handled. John isn’t a cardboard evil dad, Dean is struggling between his loyalty to his father and to Cas, and Cas is increasingly bitchy/frustrated at Dean still being so desperate for his father’s approval (and all the more complex for not just being a quietly suffering perfect supporting boyfriend.) There’s some great action sequences in this too along with the emotional angst and a delicious dose of hurt!Cas if that’s your thing (as it is for me :D)
Abrenuntio by Neonbat (51k). A very dark but compelling AU take on the/a apocalypse universe. Dean, Sam and John are all alive in this post-angel war-apocalyptic world. They are part of a group of human survivors fighting against the angel army when they manage to capture “Blue” — a particularly feared angel of death. Dean is tasked with bringing Blue in for interrogation and he becomes a prisoner in their camp after John is killed. As mentioned, this is a pretty dark/sad fic (with some rather gruesome torture scenes) but I still found it quite compelling as a look at how things could have gone in some other parallel universe. And somehow the author manages to make the Dean/Cas relationship come together despite them starting out as complete enemies. This is one of those AUs that works for me because the core of the characters really shine through despite the differences in the setting.
if it all fell to pieces tomorrow by spocklee (37k) - a gorgeous post-Empty rescue fic that takes an approach I haven’t really seen explored in detail before (despite being something I’ve actually thought about as something that could’ve happened.) What if Cas has spent so long denying himself happiness, and then trapped in regrets and false-rescue scenarios created by the Empty, that he can’t trust that his rescue is real? And so he runs off to be on his own - literally stealing the Impala because he can’t handle being in Dean’s presence one moment longer - and only slowly comes to terms with the idea that it’s over now and he can be happy with/around his friends and family. This one’s both deliciously angsty and at times funny/sweet, looking at Cas’s relationships not just with Dean but with Sam, Jack, Claire, even Eileen. It does some fun stuff with other returned angels and demons who now find themselves back on Earth (and human), and...I just really enjoyed this one a lot.
Both Saved and Lost by angelfishofthelord (13.7k) Gen Cas character study, absolutely gorgeous and sad and one of those fic I couldn’t stop thinking about the day after reading it. AU where Apocaverse!Cas isn’t immediately killed by our Cas during 13x22 but instead hitches a ride back to the main ‘verse. Dean and Sam want to keep him alive for information on Michael; Cas is torn and trying to figure out just how similar—or different—they really are. Some great angel stuff here (I also highly recommend this author’s Jack & Cas “dadstiel” fics, they’re equally lovely and heartbreaking at the same time.)
flesh of the mighty by Mudprophet (2.7k) - THEE “What exactly did Dean eat in Purgatory, anyway?” fic you’ve probably already heard about. *cough* I’ve been trying to work up the courage to read this one for a while and finally gave in and OH MY CHUCK I’m so glad I did. It’s perversely disturbing and beautiful at the same time, Cas is wonderfully DERANGED and ALIEN in that way that I love it when fics managed to convey just how much angels are NOT human. Do heed the tags.
Full of Grace by ilovehowyouletmefall (11k) - Another one for the weird-as-fuck-angel!Cas lovers’ list. Heaven/canon-compliant fic where Dean knows he should feel happy and at peace but he just...isn’t, even with Cas and all of his friends and family there. He finally goes looking for Cas when he’s been absent for a time and, for the first time, gets to not just see but experience his true form. Another one that hits some kinks I knew I had and others I didn’t...until now. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
don't ask me where i've been by saltwound / @1x06 (8k) - I can never resist a good 09x06 fiction gap fic! What makes this one really stand out is how well it captures Cas’s internal voice - his struggles adapting to human senses, limitations and emotions versus what/how he experienced things as an angel. The longing and feelings between Dean & Cas here are so achingly beautiful and I just wanted to cry when Cas says he misses hearing Dean’s prayers, so Dean, he...oh, I’m not going to spoil it. *happy sigh* Just read it.
this room is wrong by DarkHeartInTheSky (12k) - Sometimes I like torturing myself with some good 15x03 divorce arc angst and this fic hit that button just so. It’s an alternative take on where Cas might have ended up after leaving the bunker and features some great Cas & Sam friendship feels, when Sam sets out to try to bring Cas home. It’s all the stuff you’d wish the writers would’ve let them talk out in canon.
Well that’s more than enough for this round! Go forth, read and give some great writers some kudos & comment love!
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samwontshare · 3 years ago
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Black Widow Review I guess
Was Black Widow the send off movie for Nat that I wanted to see after Avengers 1 first dropped? No.
Did I really enjoy it anyway (with some criticisms)? Yes.
Here’s what worked and what didn’t work for me.
What worked for me:
-Yelena and Nat’s relationship carried this entire movie. It was start to finish a truly beautiful sister movie. Their relationship is so genuine and they have such a great connection on screen. The bickering! The older/little sibling dynamic is so powerful in this movie. Yelena’s need for Nat in her life, and Nat who suffered so much trying to just escape but her younger sibling was left behind. This was so painful and real for me as a survivor of childhood domestic violence - where my older sibling would often leave to protect himself, but then I was left behind to survive. It took me a long time to have empathy for him and his very real need to protect himself. Because we both were just trying to survive and it wasn’t our fault. I saw myself in Yelena and my brother in Nat’s decision to leave the Red Room. For them to come together to take down the Red Room together is just some beautiful, cathartic shit.
-Yelena. Every. Single. Thing. About. Yelena. The acting was just stunning - that Yelena has this childlike quality to her because for the first time, she can be a human being. She has beautiful character moments: fogging the glass, playing with her beer bottle, her enthusiasm for the vest with pockets she purchased AND modified thank you very much. Do I feel they dulled her trauma to keep the levity? Yes, but she still has some stunning moments of vulnerability - especially when she took her fake family to task and called out Nat for saying it wasn’t real. This was just *chef kiss* THE HEAD TOUCHES OMG.
-The found family dynamic. I think some folks might baulk at the forgiveness shown to the parental figures, but for me this rings true as someone again who experienced childhood violence. What’s often hard is that you feel such justified anger toward those who hurt you and didn’t protect you, but for many people (though not all) there is still a need to be loved by those people and you might still love them despite everything because there were good moments in all the horror. What I think actually made this work is that Melina and Alexei both took steps to correct their ways - they immediately helped the sisters. It spoke a bit on generational trauma - particularly re: Melina. Was it perfect? No. Do I think it will work for everyone? No. But I didn’t mind it. Damaged people trying to do better is my jam. And I was just happy Melina lived.
-The opening credits is one of the best things Marvel has ever done. Chilling.
-The humor. This shit was funny.
-The way it centered Yelena and Nat, women supporting women, and said fuck off to the male Avengers.
-This is unpopular but I was fine with Taskmaster. I remember Taskmaster from the Deadpool comics so I get why people are mad, but to me it threaded a nice loop in Nat’s story. Nat’s desperation to leave the Red Room and end her violence meant killing an innocent child - was it heroic? No. Was it human? Yes. Taking the time to make some amends there felt like nice closure, even if Antonia falls into one of my biggest issues with the film (see below).
-I’m glad Dreykov was an unexplained Bond villain with his ridiculous sky lair that everyone should have known about after NYC. Dreykov was symbolic for every shitty male abuser that’s plagued women. It ain’t about him. It’s about what he represented.
What didn’t work for me:
-How WOC showed up in the movie felt super uncomfortable. We see a Widow of color starting the movement to free the others, but she’s quickly dispatched and the job is taken over by two white women. There is a really horrifying scene where another WOC is forced by a white man to kill herself to further Nat’s horror about the situation. The only time in this movie WOC are on screen it’s to 1) die and 2) literally be brainwashed into servitude. There’s no agency for WOC in this movie and it sucks A LOT.
-That sort of plays into my other big problem with the plot and that was the whole brainwashing storyline. It fell really flat for me and I’ve been trying to figure out why. The movie started out really strong with the absolutely horrifying story of Nat and Yelena’s childhood and the opening credits that pull no punches about human trafficking and the literal child torture that takes place in the Red Room.
But the MCU once again proves it’s not ready to tackle deeper issues in their totality - they have to walk it back so it’s still the quippy, action oriented formula that makes every one a blockbuster. So instead of a story about the horrors of the Red Room and psychological conditioning of young trafficked girls into trained killers - and more importantly how those women still maintain their agency despite this, how they are survivors and how they break the chains of the Red Room to take their power back (a story much more grounded in real abuses), they put a sci-fi veneer over it.
Suddenly they’re trained assassins who are brainwashed into being trained assassins…? As if the horrors of the Red Room aren’t enough without the total removal of agency (and it’s handled with so much less grace than say Bucky Barnes’ experience, who breaks his own conditioning). The Widows spend the entire movie as nameless victims waiting for rescue and get absolutely no scenes of agency even when they’re freed.
To me, it undermined the whole trafficking commentary. They remained nameless. They remained victims. They remained waiting for rescue. But at least they’re not forgotten? Yeesh. It flattens the experience of real trafficked people and their resiliency. I think there was a way to both honor survivors and honor those who didn't survive and the movie didn't get that balance.
-I think a lot of other people have already pointed out that this movie feels like Black Widow 2 and we’re missing parts 1 and 3. Telling this story now is a let down. That Black Widow’s only movie is about passing the torch after she’s already dead is a disappointment (and that’s not a criticism of Yelena - who is pure gold in this movie). I left the movie still feeling like Nat herself was hollow, that she didn’t get the earnestness of Yelena’s character. She had an endearing moment of watching spy movies and a beautiful childhood opening and then she gets lost in her own movie bouncing from one fight to another. It was sad as hell. I wanted this to be about her time in the Red Room, her escape from the Red Room, her experiencing what it means to have freedom to decide.
-They really ruined that beautiful moment of Yelena mourning Nat with Val showing up. Look I don’t care if it would’ve been predictable, that movie would have hit harder if Nat whistled back. They didn’t even have to show her. It could have just ended that way.
Overall, I enjoyed it as a movie. I don’t know that I enjoyed it as Black Widow’s ONLY movie.
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trigger warning for self harm
how do i get my bf to accept that i sometimes become angry? for context, this only happens every two months maybe, then i am very irritable for a few hours, everything annoys me, i curse about everything and... am not very catious with things, like, today i was looking for a letter and it was at the bottom of a pile of sheets and i just pulled it out and the pile of (my) sheets (on my desk) became a pool, and i just didn't bother. but my boyfriend gets really stressed by this. he will stop answering me, if i ask him something and at some point (like that letter point) he will yell at me to stop.
but i don't want to stop, i just want to be angry, irrationally angry. for no other reason than that it feels right at that moment. and he will be so annoying (in my anyways pissed state) to me, that i will either leave the room or force myself to calm down because he really is unbearable (for me, in my angry mindset) when he is stressed. i sometimes harm myself, to put my anger somewhere (this is the only time that i still harm myself) but i hate that because... it reminds me of my childhood where my parents forced me to swallow all emotions and i just want to be angry, just for a while, because it feels good and i want to be free of expressing my emotions, even if they are irrational (i would bother more if it would happen more often but well, every two months, whatever). but i can't with him around.
and when i talk to him afterwards, he just says he can't bear me being angry (he didn't have an abusive childhood or anything) because i am usually exceptionally calm. and i get that, but why am i the only who has to swallow her emotions and why can't he just leave the room or anything?
how do i get him to just accept that i have the right to be angry? he doesn't has to comfort me, if that doesn't feel right for him, but just to stop forcing me to swallow my anger (or put it against myself).
btw, i would never ever let him see that i harmed myself because i don't want him to feel guilty or more stressed.
Hey there,
You are allowed to feel your feelings and express them. Especially as someone who has been forced to suppress their emotions, it can feel incredibly freeing and cathartic to express emotions. You absolutely have the right to be angry. There is undoubtedly a lot for you to be angry about.
At the same time, it is difficult to remain calm when someone around you is angry. So we have to look at real, material solutions.
Talk about this when you're both feeling calm and regulated. You're right that it's not fair for either of you to have to suppress your emotions. Your emotions are valid, and his emotions are valid as well. Be open and curious when asking about his thoughts and feelings. Make him feel heard. Ask him what he feels when you're expressing anger. Ask him if he has thoughts about why you might be doing what you're doing.
Then you can respond with your perspective and work from there. Maybe a solution is for him, or you, to leave when you need to express anger. Maybe he needs to learn more about trauma responses and trauma in general. Anger can be a really important emotion for trauma survivors. Repressing emotions isn't healthy, for anyone.
I think it's important to communicate that this is part of the process for you and that he doesn't have to do anything he's not comfortable with. Tell him you're willing to compromise, but that you're going to express your anger. Your boundaries are important and you're allowed to communicate them. You deserve time and space to process your trauma and heal.
Edit: Here's a post by a fellow mod about the validity of anger in recovery!
Wishing you the best!
- Misa
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writesbatty · 7 years ago
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days 14-29
complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in
29/30
i love to rewrite the classics
to make persephone send hades running
(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)
to give echo back her voice
to let arachne weave her tapestries once more
rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist
get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later
find ophelia a therapist
remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending
  28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip
.
.
.
i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex
but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship
i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him
(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me
i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops
and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)
but it's not that
it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic
it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this
i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say
how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later
without sounding like i am making excuses
(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)
but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was
nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor
nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through
maybe some of it is the meds
it's hard to tell
how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me
and why has it been six years and i still can't
-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass
-sit in my boyfriend's lap
-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend
because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'
(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)
my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass
(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)
and when i tell him
i think we should start scheduling sex
he kisses the top of my head
and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company
and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back
  27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?
listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series
i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them
will somebody cut harry a fucking break?
why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter
harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor
harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark
and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt
(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)
let him teach other children to protect themselves
let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students
the way snape treated harry and neville
let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling
let him know the joy of helping a struggling student
(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)
let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren
let harry potter put the past behind him
consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives
to fighting the demons we met in childhood
  26/30
nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone
and what an apt title
what an apt metaphor
because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window
but no one else can see it
25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.
it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me
you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal
so small
that's me. i am that joke.
a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–
i swallow a wave of nausea
i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl
and my heart speeds up
and i can hear the sound of his voice
it's like time travel
it's like a curse
just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead
that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade
you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain
but
it's that fucking petname
it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology
an apology all for him
when he came to my high school graduation there were rules
-he could not drink
-he could not apologize
-he could not call me pumpkin
24/30
it's funny
this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know
at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab
at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense
at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat
at school they called me confident, self assured
i wonder where this other me is when i need them most
where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?
when someone is in trouble?
when someone gropes me in the street?
when someone needs them?
when i need them?
23/30
weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:
unconventional sci written by women and queer people
dystopian fiction that ends hopefully
non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people
young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings
poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art
collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms
college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love
narratives about found families of misfits
young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids
the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park
(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)
how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly
advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you
novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope
22/30
edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware
elle woods is my personal hero
i'm blonde
'yes sarah'
i'm sure you're thinking
'i know, i have seen you'
but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd
maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.
i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.
when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.
i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.
elle woods saying
'what, like it's hard?'
i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.
'what, like it's hard?'
21/30
why do the aliens always want to kill us?
why do we always build a giant weapon?
why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?
why aren't scifi movies about healing?
20/30
ode to vestibular stimming
i do not like metal music
i'm sorry, it's just not my thing
but good god do i understand why people head bang
and why people mosh
when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce
now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but
i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little
like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and
don't you ever wanna just let go?
don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?
19/30
i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds
the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps
my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy
mostly i just call everything 'buddy'
'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'
i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much
and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water
in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore
i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground
i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years
a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy
and in some cases this is true
but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of
hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own
they become so much your own it causes you physical distress
and everything
everything
has feelings
i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long
i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting
today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him
and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them
sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks
maybe it was okay
maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him
my aching too big heart always forgets
things happened to my mother, too
things happened to me, too
and neither of us turned out like that
articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power
call it 'being an empath'
to me it has always felt more like a bruise
like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin
18/30
a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later
for the love of god, lady
what is your fucking problem?
you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?
are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?
yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.
so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like
you expect me to play along
i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but
if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it
but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it
so i could have told you, hey, lady
this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled
and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated
and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out
17/30
capitalism is broken
and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park
not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in
every time i complain about the jurassic park universe
demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs
someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'
as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people
as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap
yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone
the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought
the money is worth it
we won't fuck up this time
is completely fucking baffling to me
i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail
if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!
but i think about the news article i read last night
about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable
and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes
and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail
it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made
16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other
all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did
but we were all about physical contact
we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets
piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm
and i miss that
all that platonic but physical affection
i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations
reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food
this is how i lived all of high school
sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks
i miss it
i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic
why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?
we are social creatures, after all
we don't start out like this
we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair
why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?
doesn't that seem silly?
15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz
so i've known my best friend since 9th grade
except
except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade
and she wasn't my best friend until college
except
except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it
on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song
once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities
and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me
"don't you go where i can't follow"
our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern
and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional
she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish
last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour
and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror
and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend
this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books
or the shitty people we went to high school with
or weird titles for potential memoirs
this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger
it is a different kind of love, sure
but it is a love story
and it is ours
14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games
i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve
just look for the spot that glows
and unearth what's hiding
no crying
no years of therapy
no buried memories
just point and click
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yespoetry · 5 years ago
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Nadia Gerassimenko Talks About Her Poetry Collection 'At the Water's Edge'
Nadia Gerassimenko’s poetry chapbook, at the water’s edge (Rhythm & Bones Press, 2019) just came out, and it’s a wonderfully crafted exploration on loneliness in the wake of illness, trauma, turmoil, and self-acceptance. Below Gerassimenko, who is the editor and founder of Moonchild Magazine, speaks about the work and some of her favorite things. You can also read a poem from the book below (and a few others we had published here previously).
Did you write this collection to any kind of music? In stillness. I can't write to music. Describe your favorite meal. It's a naughty one. Poutine: fries, gravy, and melted cheese. I eat that only on rare occasion. Last time I ate it, several weeks ago, my body hated me for a week. Choose three books that you've always identified with? There's only one at the moment. My, My, My, My, My by Tara Hardy. I just can't stop crying reading it, there's so much I can relate to as someone living with chronic illness, particularly Lyme Disease. Reading about it the first time was a cathartic moment for me and an emotionally healing one because it spilled into the literary world and because it made me feel less alienated and alone in my struggling.
Choose one painting that describes who you are. What is it? Et in Arcadia ego by Nicolas Poussin. Poussin's work is very cryptic, including this painting which has many different interesting interpretations. I'd like to see it as someplace secluded and serene, an ideal place and state for an introverted recluse like me. What’s a gif or meme that you relate to? My facial expression these days. When I'm happy, it's the same, but with a cringe-smile.
via GIPHY
What do you imagine the apocalypse is like? How would you want to die? There will be a zombie outbreak. I'm already ready. By a vampire's "kiss" (and become a vampire myself, please, I already feel and behave like one anyways). If you could only watch three films for the rest of your life, what would they be? What We Do in the Shadows
The Vampire's Kiss
The Lost Boys Uh-oh, I just realized where this is heading... If I may squeeze in a show, it would forever be The Office (and What We Do in the Shadows and The Good Place...sorry). Where do you find inspiration lately? Peculiar moments invoke inspiration; when my mind is a blank while I'm showering or preparing a meal or about to sleep, words appear out of nowhere and tumble out of me. Nature, a work of art, something moving in a film or a show inspire me as well. Where did you write most of your book? Anywhere where my desktop was, haha! What was something surprised you recently? I had a tiny cricket get into my home somehow. It was loud! A tiny little creature with so much voice, it's amazing. What do you carry with you at all times? My gluten enzymes. It's a risk navigating the outside world as someone with Celiac when almost everywhere isn't Celiac-friendly. Tell us a bit about your writing process. What works and what doesn't? What doesn't, but you keep trying it anyway? Funnily enough, I start with the beginning of a poem, then the end, and only then I compose the middle. Somehow it works out! Afterwards I edit it only a few times and forget about it. Sometimes I have a thought I think has potential, but I can't seem to continue materializing it further and no matter how hard I try to force it, it just doesn't work. It has happened a lot. Some things just can't be forced. What are some of your daily rituals or routines? I must have a cup of coffee. I don't care when, but I must. What was the hardest part about writing this book? Everything was hard to some degree because much of it is deeply personal. I had to take a break on occasion, to deal with my emotional or physical well-being or focus on a different project, which is why it took me four years to write it. I have Dolores, a brave protagonist weaving in throughout the book, who held my hand when things got especially tough.
A poem from the collection:
my body is not my body
when i’m held mouth wide open, blood oozing, dreading your extraction of part of my body. i’m only six. i’m not asleep. i never forgot.
i’m eighteen. adult, or so they say. part of my body breaks so more space is filled with you & all you carry. it hurts. in retrospect, it always hurt. it always will.
year forward, i’m in a cold whitewashed room, waiting. you probe & prod part of my body like i’m some dead meat. you show me off to others for kicks. it’s hard to open, to relax. this reflex never passes.
i’m at the age of my own responsibilities, body & otherwise. i’ve learned all there is about my body parts, my body whole. i know what to do. i can’t—you govern my body.
you tell me it’s all in my part of body & there’s nothing you can do. but here, take these pills. they’ll control some parts, for now, as they kill the whole.
Nadia Gerassimenko is the founding editor of Moonchild Magazine and proofreader at Red Raven Book Design. She is a freelancer in editorial services by trade, a poet and writer by choice, a moonchild and nightdreamer by spirit. Nadia self-published her first chapbook Moonchild Dreams (2015). at the water’s edge is her second chapbook (Rhythm & Bones Press, 2019). Follow Nadia on Twitter.
Joanna C. Valente is a human who lives in Brooklyn, New York. They are the author of Sirs & Madams, The Gods Are Dead, Marys of the Sea, Sexting Ghosts, Xenos, No(body), and is the editor of A Shadow Map: Writing by Survivors of Sexual Assault. They received their MFA in writing at Sarah Lawrence College. Joanna is the founder of Yes Poetry and the senior managing editor for Luna Luna Magazine. Some of their writing has appeared in The Rumpus, Them, Brooklyn Magazine, BUST, and elsewhere. Joanna also leads workshops at Brooklyn Poets. joannavalente.com / Twitter: @joannasaid / IG: joannacvalente / FB: joannacvalente
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