#anyway posts for my future therapist lmfao

[longlive2023]

ahhhhhhhhhjjnjkndncnxnkscncb

[chemicalcarousel]

dissociated rant about not relating to CDD content creators and being a pw/DID who's never had DID specific treatment due to the country they live in

switching is very disorientating for us. we don't have blackout amnesia between switches, but it feels like entering another dimension or something. like we remember what we did earlier that day, but it feels like it happened several days ago or like it was just a thought or a dream, but we have context clues telling us that it did happen just two hours ago

it is extremely confusing, especially because switches can even be hard for us to notice. it's taken us a couple of years now to learn what it is and we are still extremely early into our recovery journey since we only learned we were a system like 2 years ago and we've never had a therapist or psychiatrist who was knowledgeable about treating trauma and dissociation. they just kinda threw shit at the wall and were confused when it didn't help

we thought we couldn't have DID because we thought it had to be like how big youtubers who've been through years of DID therapy portrayed it online. we thought we had to have alters who knew who they were and what their role in the system was and when they split off. later we found out that this is not how it is for every person with a CDD - probably not most. it is normal not to know that you're an alter that is seperate on some level from another alter. it is normal to not know when you split off or why. it is normal to not blackout between switches or ever - amnesia can be many things. it is normal to literally know almost nothing about your system!!

full disclosure, we are pretty dissociated rn and this is essentially just a stream of consciousness type of rant (like our posts usually are lmfao we do love yapping), but idk we post these anyway in case they are somehow helpful to someone ig lol

we also used to think this was psychosis because a past psychiatrist misidentified it as such. also as bipolar moodswings and we thought we couldn't have a trauma disorder, because a past therapist said we didn't have "real flashbacks". we did think it was dissociation when we learned about that concept, but not that we literally had a severe dissociative disorder. we thought we were just unstable and forgot shit and sometimes we didn't control our body and talked and acted like a child, but that it was just us having to "snap out of it" or whatever. it's hard to explain, maybe we're gonna make a thought out post about some of these experiences in the future, but rn y'all just gonna get this dissociated rant lol

what i think i want to say is that DID doesn't feel like i thought it did based on videos i watched. i think this is partly because i am very early into my system discovery and recovery and never had specialised treatment and has only been given the wrong treatment since trauma therapy for people like me isn't available in my country and everyone here is extremely misinformed or underinformed. i've literally switched to very overt child alters in front of a therapist treating me for trauma and she said i didn't have ptsd, even when she did acknowledge that this age regression was clearly out of my control and related to being triggered and feeling like i am about to be abused again (i also didn't suspect DID at that point, i was just scared and confused)

idk man i think CDD experiences vary immensely depending on where you're from and how far into recovery that you are. we don't relate much to alter roles or big elaborate inner worlds or communicating with your alters. we are just fucking confused all the time and are trying our best to try to map out our system as we go through life

[fairycosmos]

about the screaming post and the anon before, i get it it's so frustrating because i don't know how to talk about what i'm feeling and it's so difficult when someone dismisses my concerns and just says im overreacting or just oversensitive. i recently went to a therapist and she was very nice and all but she basically pinned all of my probelms on the covid lockdown and basically said there's nothing to see here lol. how do i tell a woman who's almost always grinning that sometimes i want to kill myself and maybe affirmations and drinking more water is not going to fix it. idk i just feel so weird and it makes me question if im just making shit up. sorry to dump this on u i just wanted to get it out i guess. thank u for being so amazing and cool <3

i hear u completely. it’s really weird how uncaring so many mental health professionals are and how they’ll do absolutely anything to minimise your mental illness in order to minimise their workload. i am so so sorry you’ve had that experience and i really hope you can find a therapist who you’re more compatible with soon. it can definitely take a few tries to get it right in that regard (unfortunately.) but the most important thing to remember is that you’re not making things up at all. there’s a reason you reached out for help in the first place, there’s a reason you don’t feel well. you’re self aware and that’s a positive in terms of recovery. i know it’s really hard but try to do what you can to keep advocating for yourself, because you matter and so does your mental health - and there IS a lot of support out there, or at least there should be, and if you need to demand it then demand it. you’re not always going to be stuck with this exact feeling, especially not if you can find a good therapist. side note this sounds like such a basic tip but if you struggle to articulate your feelings, writing down and outlining what you want to say beforehand can help take some of that pressure off because it means you’re not being put on the spot. also it’s mad that they’re really pinning everything on the lockdown. its been hard for everyone but suicidal ideation is not a normal side effect of the pandemic and it’s so shit that they made you feel that way. you’re not in the wrong here - i really hope you’re able to find someone who actually validates ur concerns in the future. im proud of you for getting help in the first place because i know that must’ve been really hard. honestly, it’s so exhausting. like this whole thing. when i eventually kms i don’t want anyone to say they didn’t know i was having a hard time. ive been hurting for fucking ever LMFAO. and literally nobody listens to me, that’s how my lifes ended up looking like this - other than my own faults ofc. anyway im sending you all the love in the universe ok. you’re not overreacting, know that! x

[liliumwallichianum]

every other night started with a good day ((((:

Life is sooooo weirdly cyclical yall it’s almost annoying but then again everything is kinda annoying and maybe I’m just annoyed with myself right now LOL. anyways

ummmm yeah I feel like a warrior rn. Lemme go thru sectors of my life and just update

school/research/career

BIG things and breakthroughs happening! I dont even wanna talk about it bc I am spending so much time/energy on this throughout the day that I’ve depleted this energy source. I would also like to stop telling people of my goals of becoming an o**** s****** because the negativity i get is just so discouraging and people dont understand that I ltrly dont give a fuck if it’s a hard specialty to get into/BE in but it’s my fucking passion and I want it and imma give it to myself. that’s what july-jan is gonna be. it’s gonna be a gift from me to me to have the life that I know I want and belong in :) 

therapy

god therapy is so fucking exhuasting i hate all 50 minutes of sitting on that fucking couch i hate my therapist and i hate that it’s basically me PAYING A SHIT TON OF MONEY to SPEAK. i DONT EVEN WANNA SPEAK. i just wanna hear someone else speak and tell me what to do!?!!? okay therapy vent for this week is done i hope this means next week I will have a breakthrough lmfao. like cmon chop chop lets get to the childhood traumas and fix that so i can move on (y) 

men

uhh ppl dont believe me but i’m literally so man less rn besides like a few guys i’m texting very innocently. me and M decided we need to stop looking at men as sexual objects/opportunities and just focus on being their friends bc then we get their true personalities and true intentions!! which makes so much sense right ha ha we were just dumb horny biatches but yeah celibacy is nice ish i just cant stand Lax crying about me getting a bf lmfao 

fitness

BRO i am so fat rn i hate it. i hate whatever injury i had (which i cant even self diagnose bc the injury is so skewed in my head) bc i feel like it really threw me off but again we only have self talk here so I am DOING FINE w my body and gonna start half marathon training soon which im excited for okieeeee gonna do a quick glow up before summer starts 

health

um.... psych wants me to get adhd meds and i’m like sitting here not knowing what the fuck to do? do i rlly wanna take meds?????? no. but am i struggling out here? in p much all aspects of my life bc of this? yes... idk. Gonna pray on this and have god tell me what to do cause i sure as hell donut know.. also reading “The F*ck It Diet” and it’s honestly so good hahah my body weight makes so much sense now post stress dieting but yeah gonna try and reverse that and just do my best to raise my metabolism and get nutrients in. also wtf is up w the cramps from nuvaring this shit is annoying but after talking to my amazing obgyn seester we decided it’s the best/easiest thing to be on for a med student/future resident so yea lets see it’s been like 4 months i’ll wait at least 6. besides that i feel great and strong and healthy (Y)

spirituality

I would really like to start praying more and praying with focused goals in mind. I would also really like my grandpa to come home and pretty much pray every day for this. Meditation is going well? and I just wanna up my time to 20 min/day instead of just 10. ummm I feel intune w myself and the universe ish and yoga def helped today and was amazing... what else hm. yeah idk i just wanna pray more. 

ok done bye xoxo

[stufficanttellmyfriends]

like. scratch that entire post. am i the villain? 

i. i think i might be. 

well. if i am. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

if i’m the villain.

the only way. to. redeem myself. 

would be to end it. 

so i can’t hurt anyone else.

and i know most of this is the trauma talking. 

but.

what if it has a point, lmfao

there is nobody. in my entire life. that can honest to god. tell me that i’m good.

because. 

i haven’t been.

because i’m not. 

what the fuck am i supposed to do now

it would be.

non-villain like of me to just. end it now. and not waste the resources. and cause the pain. that the next eight months will inevitably bring. 

i wanna say i’m in a dark place right now. but maybe i’m not. maybe i’m finally back to. how it really is. maybe kevin was right the whole time. i needed to be built from the ground up. i hurt people. 

but i’m not the hero here. so i won’t have the fucking guts to end it now. not that the hero would ever be in this position to begin with. but you know what i fucking mean. 

my future doesn’t. it’s not worth fucking living. 

it’s not worth sticking around for.

i have nobody

but that’s not fucking new. 

i never really had him (CJ)

he had me

to bitch to. we use each other. 

i’m his emotional support. 

i’m. i don’t. i don’t go to him. he can’t be there for me. he just can’t. he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be there for me. 

what was it that john locke said? crazy people just think they’re getting more sane. i feel very sane right now. entirely too calm and collected for a highly suicidal person. 

my brain just went

are we really suicidal or is this for show?

FOR SHOW TO WHO, MOTHERFUCKER???? WHO WOULD THIS BE FOR SHOW TO?

i am making active plans to kill myself, lmfao, i think it’s safe to say i’m suicidal. if anybody actually read this, it’d be bedlam in a heartbeat. 

anyway

he’s not there for me because he can’t be. and i want to say i don’t hold it against him but deep down i know i do. i don’t want to. because i get it. that was never the arrangement. but it’s hard to be that close to someone (close?) and for them not to give a shit about me. my well being. my mental health. i’ve. i’ve tried to talk to him about it and he just can’t. 

this is too much to put onto anybody. i learned that lesson the hard fucking way. this is therapist shit. and i just can’t see myself being this vulnerable with another human being. i wasn’t built that way. 

the reason i come off as fake to people is because i’m holding this goddamn tidal wave of fucked-upness back. to protect them. to protect her. because she likes to think she’d be there for me. but in reality? this is too much for anybody. it just is. and telling someone this is giving them entirely too much power over me. again, learned that the hard way. 

by taking in his trauma and his pain. and him not being able to take any of mine. means i will inherently have power over him. i almost told him. just now. because i’m so fucking desperate for anyway to make him understand. but i think that comparing myself to my abuser in this example would not be the fucking way to go if i want him to stick around. 

would it be better to just

leave him?

let his family think they were right about me?

to be the villain, truly? 

or do i just

let this ride it’s course and end how it’ll end without my meddling.

because it will end

it literally always does

and i’m fucking petrified of what will happen when i lose the last of them. 

i’m 

maybe that’ll be my end

my natural end

it’s like

ruining a tv show

by giving it too many seasons

instead of just cutting it off when the plot demands it

the plot demanded it four fucking years ago

but here we are

ruining our own story

but hey

only villains ruin stories

we are the villain

[princess-of-embarrassment]

My therapist said I keep wanting to pick up and run because I’m running away from myself and not my problems. I am equipped and capable of dealing with those Bc I’ve proven I can but running from “myself” she means I’m running away from all of the things that have made me who I am today and have led me to this point, even if I love who I am now. Literally the urge to grab everything and everyone I know, tossing it to the side and literally vanishing. All of it. Gone. Steff said she would join. I know she would know exactly where I would be even if I didn’t tell her where I was going. She just knows you know?

I am anger and anxious now but I have some more growing to do. I think we all do.

I thought I was ok with sharing who I was with the world and I am but tbh... I’ve stopped a lot of it because I feel like it’s not going to be received well. Maybe that’s why I want to be anonymous so badly. No one can hurt me that way. No one will know a thing about me. They can’t hurt me because they don’t know a thing about me. Maybe that’s why it’s so appealing? I don’t remember who follows this blog (that I personally know) but if this answers the question of why I deleted my old blog and panicked about my vital post... here it is lmfao. I realize now that whoever I have solid bonds with and whoever I seriously date or marry in the future will know and they will know my past but I hope that the decision I’ve made is safe enough for me to share my past. This is why I don’t tell anything to the people I work with. I keep up the face of the smart successful 21 year old that gets the job done and does it well!!! But they’re starting to catch on about me looking at the door every time I hear it open and how I flinch at the keys and how I always sit at an angle where I can see who’s behind me, etc. They’re starting to catch on to the small things that bring up enough questions that are hard to answer without explaining 19-20 years of trauma lol.

Have I thought about changing my name and blocking my entire white family so they don’t know where I am and he doesn’t know where I am? Yes. Constantly. But my SMM job kinda makes it difficult. I think all the hair color changes and piercings and finally fitting into who I want to be physically (like how I dress and stuff) has been a great step in the right direction in reclaiming and finding out who I actually am as a human outside of my trauma but also I know changing my name is a big commitment and a big step and the people who will stay around me will have to adjust. I’ll still be me. The last name might change but I will still be me. And that’s the issue sometimes. That I’m still me. He is still a part of me. He is still my DNA and he is still in me. I can’t change my DNA no matter how hard I want to.

Also, another reason I shouldn’t change or runaway from who I am is because I know my story has saved a lot of other people. I know a lot of people are now in safer places and safe homes and ok because I shared my past. It’s so draining though. It’s. So. Draining. Some days at least.

I often lay in bed and think about all of the ways people can hurt me (not physically, mos of the time) and I panic because I know they’re just “what if’s” but they’re still a possibility even if it’s tiny. She can hurt me. She can sue me. She can hate me. She can blame me. She can really bring me down if she wanted to (even if she can’t) but that’s just want my brain says. She can ruin my life just like he did. He can ruin my life just like he did. They can ruin my life just like he did. I barely know this girl and all I can’t think of is how bad she can hurt me, not how blessed I could be to have her in my life as a friend. All I can think about sometimes is how much he can hurt me even though we met only a few months ago and he has shown nothing but support.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried walking to and from work because I’m so terrified. And then again at work. I sit in my chair and watch the world literally tunnel into me as I’d it were all coming toward me at once. Like in Space Mountain.

Anyways, rant over. I feel better now that I have written. I might write more tomorrow. Idk. There’s a loud noise outside me window and I need to check it out.

Xoxox

[calvinlepesh]

Interpret how u please but know it saved my mind and soul.

SUMMARYWe have primitive speech in comparison to aliens/ superior being/s/ {Our God self]DONT FUCKING READ THIS IF U ARENT OPEN MINDED! DEADASS FUCKING SERIOUS UR GONNA MISS OUT.to become open minded you must have some form of empathy. Some form meaning you must have to have either the almost perfect understanding empathy based on your ability to place yourself in somebody elses position along with all of their past tramas, what they just fucking ate, basically whatever relevant to the situation apparent or not. I.E do I help this guy for gas hes asking the clerk hes begging he says hes got no money has to get home to his family. seems like a good dude. not making a fuss. being very nice about it. I paid for his fucking gas. Thats good energy right there. sent away and returned in ways that probably already occured but I don't reconize them as a direct result from helping. If you did what you thought was right or whatever you wanted to do actually. Which is what you're going to do anyways cause thats what you fucking decieded you wanted yourself to do. So if this doesn't hit you like it hits most people and myself included. Then just close the book and call me insane. If being insane is living content in my beliefs and my tommorow during the today but with passion for the future. then im fucking insane. Because thats what my program has done for me Truly search for good and if it isn't what you want to spend your time trying to help or doesnt concern you. You weren't meant to be concerened by it and thats okay because it will concern someone else at the right time. etc considered and making a choice based off of critical information secured from a display of empathy. If you cant show empathy practice please fucking practice before you continue reading. Actually idgaf you do you. Your life do what you desire.Speech is used to manifest things into reality of time. Typically faster if done consistently. Tested and proved. By many. My barber for example. little over 7 months ago living in a 1 bed room dumb girlfriend cat and hes cutting hair in his kitchen. The entire time throughout the year  hes telling me about this house hes getting his own very first house brand fucking new completely taylored to him. He told me saying Lep yeah my mom is helping me buy a house and get my career moving finally. After long periods of being told to basically fuck off his mom basically has a change of heart randomly. Hes got a 3 bedroom house. A barber room with checkered floot. 3 tvs niceass fucking interior furniture hes painting the house and has done many renovations over the last few months of him having this house. Just returning there earlier tonight actually I had walked in and had to check if he changed the paint in his front room again! Truly He doesn't even realize it completely. Hes almost so dumb hes smart. in a sense that being happy is being smart. He isn't stupid tho. My barber is on some of the same shit I am. Some. thats a different story tho. The point is he talked to me everytime he cut my hair for 6 month. Not just me I know for certain. He would talk motherfuckers ears off im sure they hated it. Honestly I hadn't been enlightened at this point. I fucking hated it. OMg yeah we fucking get it bro u want checkered floors. So many motherfuckers are talking nowadays. But do they always talk the same shiteveryday? Ill say it again. Do you talk about the same thing everysingle day? Do you talk to someone every single day? I don' t even have to ask what or why you do it. You're doing it because you have the desire of the company of that person. or their opinion, Whatever they have of value or beneficially or mutually beneficially to you or both. My barber talked about all the cool shit he was gonna do with his house. Having a pit bike track in the back. making a fire bit. building a deck. Making a TV back drop out of stained wood stained nailed and cut by him and I. Painted the entire house. CHECKERED FLOORS MOTHERFUCKERS. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO is MANIFEST IT IN YOUR LIFE. The sooner you start talking about and creating this lifestyle and figuring out how you're going to do it one day at a time. Talk to the person ur nervous to talk to. If they fall in love with you. THATS FUCKING KICKASS. if he thinks u dont belong in his universe right now understand thats a huge fucking positive in your life. Now you can live in this moment in time and know in this moment in time that it isn't happening because if it isn't meant to happen yet if at all. For all you know you could meet  him in 5 years and get married have 3 kids live happily ever after. Straight the fuck up! Right now im consistently talking to a girl i had the hugest crush on but never did anything about it. WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. CAUSE HOW FUCKING AWKWARD WOULD IT HAVE BEEN in minnesota when im visiiting and havent been home for christmas in 5 years that we just so happen to go get breakfest at a taveren like wtf? and its where she works serving. Top it off while we are walking in I see the sign of the place and reconize it from an instagram post that she posted and I had liked and inturn she liked my picture. whatever not important. all im trying to say is the future is 100% unpredictable in every sense. but at the same time it will be 100% guarenteed with my mindset program if applied properly. You never know tomorrow and that may scare you but what if you already had chosen what happens tomorrow long before anything existed? Do you trust your own judgement? The best part is you dont even have to trust your own judgement. YOU DONT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING YOU DONT WANT TO DO. But sometimes doing them is what you're meant to do typically for your benefit anyways, if not its a punishment, and if it isn't your benefit its somebody elses and they may or may not know that you're the direct cause. you may or may not know ever. But I believe that when we die we are enlightened and are shown the purpose to life. whether a test or a simulation. multiple tests inside one another or something uncomprehensible to myself or anyone. But thats different. What I do know is that a key to a good life Is a good mindset. Choose the mindset of I'm the shit. Cause I am, Cause I decieded I am, Im good fucking looking, People may call you a slut or whore but honestly it may be disgusting a little bit but they're probably jealous of all the hot people you've been with. Or even the fact ur getting laid. most single people hate on girls anyway. aint no boy in a nice healthy relationship talking shit on females and if he is he probably likes u and is trying to hide it. anyways besides the point. You need to develop something you say to yourself {I recommend} outloud {especially for getting started} whether written or set as an alarm for your phone ur background to your phone it could be a picture with a completely hidden message behind it. just associate something or have something that has things you know deep down in your soul you need to say to yourself. For example for me, Ive always been sensitive, still am a lot less than I was alot, But over time After being outcasted from my family at 15 being legally kiddnapped, and broken down on all aspects of self with many failed although maybe not completely failed attempts at bettering myself to the way that works for normies or the purposefully chosen people to be uneducated of the power of speech. They were esentially taking me in at 15 with a metaphorical emotionally broken leg. { ie i hate myself and im a bad person i dont give a fuck and i just want to die cause i dont understand the world} that was my attitude ie the broken metaphorical leg that I came into the school but for the sake of this metaphor this hospital with. However pretend in our metaphor the break in my leg is un noticeable. if ur slow as fuck just know the broken leg is a metaphor for my fucked up thinking. The hospitol or treatment center/school I was at cant fix my leg without me telling them my leg is broken. Now they knew something is wrong or else I wouldnt be there. Many claim at that hospital upon recent arrival that there's been a mistake and they don't need to be there. many times I laughed with everyone else at group along with the director Parker. Parker I believe knows alot about this but would never share with the group for possiblities of the kids claiming they're being brain washed or told to believe such things without an adult or atleast enlightened soul and mind these practices may sound slightly lucritive. Anyway back to the story. Metaphorically I tried many times to dodge and weave around questions asked in therapy sometimes even hamming it up to seem cool because of how insecure I was. trying to seek acceptance from my therapist lmfao very dark times. Which got darker with small light at the end of the tunnel. Thats the thing about parker he never took away full hope and if he did he had a good reason for doing so. I completely trust his judgement even to this day. Lying to ur therapist or even if they think you're lying to your therapist which usually they're right. The only reason they were ever wrong with me lying was because the decision was made based on previous situations of past lies. Lied before you'll lie again? possibly. Anyway, the darkness brought upon u metaphorically and almost not was the wall/work crew. ADAYONTHEWALL In a way this is tramatic but it almost shouldnt be. It was trautic because I put myself there many times. Purposefully yes in a sense but not the living sense. I wanted to be the perfect student at Liahona. Be the leader everyone looked up to. Be the family fucking leader. But I literally just was to immature and weak in all aspects. Too much so to do any of those things. Now that I think back the beauty of it Is I did eventually get all of those things. Because I manifested them. I desired both with my words and the vibes my words created in my body that the universe recieved. My body had translated what I wrote in my daily evals every night at Liahona. I attended Liahona for 711 days. 9 Days short from 2 years. The program is 9 months long. Back to the main subject. The wall. 6 am wake the fuck up. HEADCOUUUUUNT!!!. Big ass motherfucking dude named Quando shouts it at the top of his lungs. LMFAO pretty funny to think but this guy would scare the shit out of new kids in the mornings. shouting out of their beds. I definitely woke up thats for sure. The whole facility of 50-60 boys come out of there room pretty much as fast as possible although groggily everyone dressed in the same navy blue shorts and grey liahona t-shit tucked into our gym shorts with either white black or grey solid socks. No designs or wild shit. All the rules at Liahona were created over the years it had transitioned from an old house to the facility to the newer facility. Everything from tuck in ur chair at all times to. turn off the lights when you leave a room. Hundred of rules probably around over a thousand actually. I hated it off the bat but what was I gonna do? anyway. After everyone lines up in a U- formation with quando standing in the open portion of the U. He would say the same things every morning. Almost as if he was designed to say the same or relatively the same thing. One thing was for sure the message was clear every morning. Go back to your rooms  Today is a new day its a beautiful day make your beds and start studying your quote or doing whatever you're aloud to do until you go for the morning run and breakfest. Now quado probably used a great deal more broken english being from the pacific islands one of em sorry dont actually know. anyways. we dismiss. or atleast. everybody else does. perusual here I am. I sit down in my LIFETIME costco chair sitting mere inches from the head of my twin mattress. I will now sit in this chair for the remainder of the day unless instructed or allowed otherwise. 6-7 morning shift arrives. Can't look away. I think to myself staring at the wall. The desire to look is bad but even the thought of having to write another 300 word essay although they've become easy now, pointless to get one for something so easily avoidable. putting my elbows on my knees I duck my head do as If to pretend im studying the quote (a passage of around 100 words- alot of fucking words that must be memorized in full word for word straight the fuck up and recited to either a very trusted upper level or staff member who will tell you when you mess up and must stop and either use one of 2 hints allowed by parker to figure out whatever word u forgot or fail and take a 300 word essay, However if the quote is failed to be passed off before friday then your points for that week will be cut into half basically prolonging your stay to an extent given points are used to determine not in full but definitely play a large part in even the opportunity of you being recommended to get your next level Ie the quote is very important, very difficult, and I fucking hated it so fucking much you have no idea, Fuck the fucking stupid fucking quote. Parker is smart for the fact that he knows theres got to be something that seems and may possibly be a punishment that is time consuming and benefits those who work harder and faster destroying room for socialism. Basically parker created the quote to see who the fuck is really trying and how hard. Based on when you pass off the quote, If you pass off the quote, and how long of the quote is and whats in the quote. Parker can determine your loyalty to the program and therefore your recovery) Sitting in my chair and ducking my head between my armpits I can finally look around in a small area on each side of my body without getting too ballsy. This is my entertainment for the remainder of the day. Besides playing with my hand/feet. Tapping my feet/hand. looking at the US map{ and sometimes if they put u on the other wall or farther down you got the south america map. To this day can name the south american countries for the most part in alphabetical order. Crazylol. I can do the states right now. anyways. } Eating Oats and water with 2 of the gnarliest fucking red delicious apples every fucking morning. YO WHERE DID U FIND THOSE FUCKING APPLES MARK AND WHOEVER THE FUCK SHOPPED? jesus christ. Still don't eat red delicious apples THERE NOT FUCKING delicious. liars anyway. Before that when morning shift arrives typically shortly after if not immediately after their arrival we do another headcount. Of course yelled much less.... whats the word.... manly lol. Derek had the lamest headcount call. His unenthusiastic Severous snape from harry potter like almost moan like noise. anyways fuck u derek. Derek would take us to get our shoes, at both the new and old facility there are shoe closets that contain every students single pair of running shoes. The new facility also has our never to be touched til we leave or go on a visit personal items. After getting our shoes on. We went outside. line up on the concrete basket ball court in 5 lines spanning accross the entire court each student assigned to a 'family' upon arrival in no paticular order I hope but idk. Usually it was the one with the lowest amount of students but some family leaders would try to boost by trying to speak with newer students asap and within the rules. Communication of any kind with any student not directly monitored without being directly told otherwise is strictly forbidden. No form of communication head bobs nods winks smiles smirks laughs even eye contact for long periods of time. Although of course these rules were broken many times over the course of my stay. I definitely stopped talking to kids. Literally it taught me and im kinda glad it did it taught me to not ask my peers but elder people with wisdom and knowledge for help. However in therapy groups they allow us to communicate freely with the presnence of the therapist who was 1 of two therapists. However he would quickly correct any advice given from a student to a student to not only teach us the correct way to solve whatever issue being discussed  or shared. but almost in a way indirectly teaching you that experience and age are similar but not the same and to seek those that give the best advice and help the most which tend to be the people u want anyways. I did learn many many many many useful things that I still use today from Liahona. Because of going im now 1000x ahead of an average person my age. Given my experiences and newly found and enlightened self. Given to me when I was ready to give it to myself. When I learned I control this reality with how I feel. And I tend to feel how I talk. Because my talk conveys my emotion. Talk good feel good do good deserve good. Lined up on the basketball court right my bad Im side tracked for the millionth time. gimme a break lol anyways. We line up in  5 columns of anywhere from 10 to 13 students typically ten atleast. 50 jumping jacks Go!" 1..2..3..4..5..6..7- ......49..50.  50 laps chop it up. At 8 laps a mile  50 laps was common but not that common. For awhile it was daily. All of our days depended on how all of us acted as a whole. If one person tried to run and doesnt succeed obvisouly never have never will. Everybody goes on lock down. No talking no moving everybody sits  in a circle. study a gigantic quote for that week cause homeboy tried running. or whatever the case is. Basically if you dont pull your weight somebody else has to and that weight is only their cause you are inturn now they hate u lol. Definitely was unlike for a vast majority by the vast majority however luckily in the end all works out as does all things in this universe in my world or currently my world.story sorry again 50 pushups now in unicen aswell 123-49-50 Then he tells us to go run and sometimes he'll tell u how many laps and sometimes hed tell u when you get to his standing spot at the finish line after your first lap. He does this to guage how and when certain students put in more effort. Shorter run? more harder runners? longer run? Whos putting in effort regardless of circumstance ie whats going on in ur life. Ie how many laps you got How are you moving before you know what your next move is. Are you jogging that first lap until derek tells you to save your breath cause you're banking on it being a longer run. Have you been running slow for 3 laps but the run was only 8 today so ur wasting ur time being lazy. Derek would see when you would run hard. who made u run harder cause u wanted to beat them. how many laps does it have to be minimum to run on the first lap. Whos running hard the first lap regardless of circumstance. They could tell who you were and what you could offer before you even knew anything about any of that. Because honestly you didnt give a fuck about trying before. atleast I didn't. I soon did. Over those 711 days I ran 95 percent of the week day mornings. was in niceass shape too for 17. weekends we got off thankf uckign god. After the blisters heal and you get calices on ur feet from running in the beginning being a new student it sucks alot don't get me wrong and it'll suck for awhile but you'll eventually learn to adapt and conquer by anymeans. I quit after 6 laps my first run. Not even a mile. sat down said I needed my inhaler. I didn't even have one.