#anyway now my sister is sick and found out she has covid and im like 99% sure its my fault

[shadowfells]

.

[sellieellie]

things went downhill fast.

the night before mother’s day, my mom gathered us all in the living room to tell us she was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in the week. it’s very treatable but it’ll be painful and we never know when it could come back.

she was acting nonchalant about it but i know she’s doing it so we won’t be scared. im still scared.

she tested positive for covid the next day. i’ve been taking care of her. my sister tested positive too. all of our mother’s day plans were cancelled.

she’s recovering but it’s hitting her a lot harder than my sister. i’ve never seen her look so worn out. it worries me a lot. i wonder if she’ll be like this until she recovers from the cancer. i wonder if she’ll be like this forever.

i feel selfish for feeling so scared because im not the one who is sick. i hate seeing her like this but i know it must be infinitely worse for her, feeling awful but trying to stay strong for us. i feel guilty for how little grace i’ve been giving her before i knew.

i also feel conflicted. because i know that she’s given me plenty of issues but now i feel even guiltier than before for blaming her since she’s been sick.

im just scared. i haven’t told anyone yet. but moms having surgery soon and they’re gonna wonder where i am when im taking care of her, so i have to. i just hate to put such a damper on things.

im seeing everyone tomorrow. i think that’s when i’ll tell bella at the very least. i know that she’ll tell jason, who might tell his friends. i might leave it to bella to tell the others. idk. i don’t know how many people i can break this news to. i haven’t quite processed it yet. im afraid i might not until i say it out loud.

we’re letting go of will. he betrayed our trust in a way im not sure im ready to talk about. i think i have some other things to process first. for now i’ll just say, i feel manipulated and lied to and i hope he stays away from women for the rest of his life.

this next problem im gonna talk about seems trivial to the rest but it’s kinda nice to focus on something that doesn’t really matter. every time i say something in the big gc, spencer stops responding. im not sure why he has beef with me again. i can’t figure out what i did wrong, he is so wishy washy and it’s so frustrating and im so sick of it. after things ended with us, we talked about it, apologized to each other, and i thought we were good, but i guess not. he got a girlfriend at school so idk why he’s still focusing on our “beef” (which is completely one sided). i just don’t know to fix this. i feel like my presence is a bother to him and so i never respond in the gc and i feel anxious when i go to hang out with friends. idk.

i started my summer job again and i fucking hate it. my supervisor changed and he’s a micromanager and is working me to the bone. i also found out that my coworker who does the job i started out with (i now do more difficult things) gets paid $3 more an hour than i do. so that’s wonderful.

my dad is moving this weekend and im the only kid who won’t be too busy to help him. my sister lives an hour and a half away and the other will be working. so it’ll just be me, him, and his neighbor’s moving company. not really looking forward to it.

we’re supposed to go to our of state next weekend for a funeral. an uncle on my dads side passed unexpectedly a few weeks ago. i feel so bad for that side of my family. they seem to be in a lot of pain about it. i didn’t know him too well but i do know he was very loved.

anyways.

there’s just too much on my mind right now. i have a lot to process and think about. my heart drops every time i look my mom. seeing her weak breaks my heart. i’ll update later if i find the time.

[the-wild-wolves-around-you]

.

[notcolleen]

mundane lil family rant for this morning 👌

[[MORE]]

over the summer i had been going over to my family’s/moms house pretty frequently, at least 2-3x a week and weekends to spend time with my mom and make sure everything was okay.

the week of my (and my brothers) birthday, everyone in the house got covid — so we had to cancel our family birthday dinner (it was really casual but we try to do it every year) and i also found out i would be traveling to oregon (and later texas) for work. so i wasn’t able to see my family before that bc they were sick

so then i got back and went over the next day and saw my mom and everything was good!! we caught up and she seemed to be doing pretty well

but then the school year started back up and my current schedule is really split up (with mornings 5:30-8:30 and afternoons 3:30 - whenever the last kid gets picked up until 7 pm lol) — and i have space in between but my mom doesn’t wake up until 2-3 pm most days so going over then would be pointless, and going over past 7 pm would be pointless bc i have to be back here by ~9 to feel like i have any chance of getting to sleep to wake up on time lol

ANYWAY wow so these last two weeks i’ve been texting and calling just to check in, and also calling after work bc if i am going to stop by i want to make sure she’s there/awake/okay

but !

im currently being ghosted by her and she’s not answering my calls and i reached out to my sister bc i was getting worried and apparently she talked to her on the phone yesterday 🫠 so it’s me 🫠🫠 and it’s gotten to the point where now it’s saturday and i can go over but i feel anxious and awkward (and honestly my feelings are hurt???) bc i don’t just want to show up at a place where i am unwanted

but then i think, colleen u are an adult and this is not a child/mother relationship and you also have to see it rationally that your mom is not well and processes thoughts and feelings differently rn bc of her brain deteriorating. i’ve seen it in action that when she decides she is against someone, even for the slightest reason, that’s it — they can’t do anything right and it’s completely black and white in her head. i’ve just never been so outwardly the person in question and it hurts lol

and i think if that is the case, it’s bc there was an issue last week with money accidentally being taken out of her account instead of mine for our phone bill — and im frustrated if that’s it because 1) i immediately sent her the money back and an extra amount for the confusion and 2) ive been paying her 3rd of the bill for the last 3 years bc she isn’t able to, and now money is more of a stressor for me and i’ve asked her to pay when she is able and it has been ignored each time so im paying double and im not always in the position to do that 👹 so the resentment there is …. definitely not hiding lol and i know it but i’ve been doing it bc i know at the end of the day im still in a more stable position financially and will not regret helping her in these ways in the long term, it’s just in the short term sometimes i feel taken advantage of (also to clarify, the phone situation was all communicated through my sister whom she is talking to lol because she was at the house right then — no direct communication through my mom despite sending her the money/asking if she was upset abt it ☠️)

idk this is all a convoluted way of saying im upset that my family still has so much power to hurt my feelings like a child lol

and im also laughing bc she posted this on fb during this whole thing (so i also know health wise, she’s at least somewhat fine bc she’s active on there)

[theblogtini]

You know what annoys me the MOST about The Sussexes? The tonedeafness of it all. That was the very first thing that started turning my opinion of them - the October 2019 pity party interview.

Here’s how the last year+ of my life has gone:

September 2019 - found out I was pregnant w/ my 2nd child

October 2019 - my grandfather died

December - had COVID before it was even a known thing & have never been sicker in my life (my doctors strongly suspect it was COVID, but we can’t be 100% positive but when we had to take my 2 year old to the ER bc he was so sick they said it was “a weird new virus we’ve never seen before”)

January 2020 - it was determined I would need to have semi-emergency surgery on my abdomen at 23 weeks pregnant bc was ill — 23 weeks is before “viability” so my baby wouldn’t be monitored during the surgery & they would not intervene to help him if needed — they would not let me push the surgery out 3 days bc I was too ill

February 2020 - surgery takes place. BABY WAS FINE thank god. Couldn’t be left alone with my 2 year old or drive anywhere for 4 weeks - considered severely immune compromised due to pregnancy + surgery

March - lockdown happens. My son cuts his eyelid open and has to go get stitches and since we were on lockdown and I was pregnant the hospital wouldn’t let me be there with him (a mother’s nightmare)

April - admitted to the hospital at 35 weeks pregnant. Baby and I are both ill. Baby diagnosed with IUGR - he had stopped growing inside me 4 weeks earlier

May 6, 2020 - baby born preterm via emergency csection at 2:30am bc I started going downhill. I was unable to hold him for 10 hours as I was too ill and they were afraid I would crash and drop him. I was hooked to an IV for 2 days & basically sedated. My baby was being monitored by the NICU team (in my room bc of the pandemic) due to breathing, blood sugar, liver, and body temp issues. He was well enough to be discharged 3 days after birth but I was not. Mind you still a pandemic and now I’ve had two surgeries in 4 months so I’m still considered severely immunocompromised. And my baby weighs 4lbs and has zero immune system and breathing problems - during a pandemic that attacks the respiratory system.

May 10 - discharged home with my baby during a pandemic. No one in my family met him for weeks and weeks. My sister and dad just held him for the first time last week (10 months!!) due to his health issues and the pandemic.

Summer - trapped in house w/ 2 kids & husband. It’s a pandemic so there’s no where to go and no one can come to us. I can’t drive anyway (due to csection)

My maternity leave ended in early summer - husband & I have been WFH with 2 kids (a toddler & newborn) and zero help bc again - pandemic.

Fall/Winter 2020 - still WFH with no help. Still trapped inside w/ 2 kids & husband. I can drive now but there’s no where to go & nothing to look forward to. Pandemic related job woes start kicking in for us, which isn’t good bc we have 2 kids & 1 is medical compromised AND ITS A PANDEMIC.

Holidays 2020 (Thanksgiving & Christmas) - no family to celebrate with. Still trapped in house.

January 2021 - older sons 3 birthday, no party bc pandemic

February 2021 - still a pandemic. Job woes getting more serious. Find out that baby is only in 16% for height - not growing on the “outside” as he should due to my illness when he was on the inside. I managed to get vaccinated bc of health issues - can finally leave the house except... no where to go.

March 2021 - still in the house. Still a pandemic. Still WFH with 2 crazy kids & no outside help. Job woes really getting serious - money becoming tight. Health insurance ends this month - in a pandemic. No alone time with husband or heck even for myself really.

But go ahead Meghan... bitch on national TV about how your son isn’t A LITERAL PRINCE ... yet. Because he WILL be just not today. At least he’s healthy. At least you are not actually trapped in your home. At least you have help while you and your very wealthy husband pretend to work while the rest of us struggle.

Am I having a pity party? You betcha! 99% of my posts lately have been with a kid on my lap or holding a baby late at night because we don’t have nannies and night nurses like some royals. I’m mom-ing, working, cleaning, cooking, and STRUGGLING while Meghan is whining.

And I STILL KNOW IM LUCKY! So why doesn’t she?

[uncookspaget]

I know I’m not a big blog and have like any followers, infact I love that. This is my space away from reality, friends, family and I love it, there’s no stress just stories and art and I get to come and go as I please. And I don’t have friends I need to check up on here, which sounds kinda rude but I like this space as my “me time”. So to say. This is my no responsibilities space. My silent appreciation and support of things that help me escape.

But the last month has been so fucking wild, so I’m going to vent rant here for a bit, first let me say this, I am trying get disability, because I have health issues and learning disabilities, so I had to sit and do an assessment for like 6 hours or something, back in November. But anyway it was to figure out what I might have come to find out I have a severe disability with numbers, anything to do with numbers, and then I found out I have autism, which not really a surprise I did my research before, like I have with other stuff. I know myself so well that I can go online research stuff and already know what I have before a professional tells me.(always get professional advice!!!!) So when I found out my mom laughed cause she knew that I already I knew that before being told. But anyway I have autism, severe disability with numbers, (I’m going to brag about myself a little cause I have something to be proud of) my reading and writing are that of a college level, and I have a extremely fast processing speed. So this was all very validating for me.

Then I guess like a week later? I’m sitting in my apartment with my mom, dad, and younger sister, we hear the fire alarm go, and well we’ve lived here for like 5.5 years and in those years we’ve had three fires, and multiple false alarms to the point we thought oh it’s nothing someone burned lunch, right? So my dad goes knocking on doors and I go with him, a lot of old people live in the building and might not hear it, so as we go to the fire doors he opens it and black smoke poured out of the one door and I screamed not go in there so now we know it’s bad, like really bad, like I’ve seen movies and shows and those cant express the very real fear I’ve felt then. So I run back to my mom in the apartment and she said grab the papers and some clothes, my sister shows up again (turns out she went out and then ran BACK INTO THE BUILDING TO GET US!!) and she’s grabbing we’re rushing by the time we open the door, not even 3 minutes have past, it looks like night, darker than night, I can’t see our emergency exit sign. So when I saw that all I could think is we might die, like this could be it. Me and my sister wanted to go off the balcony but my mom is 61 and we’re on the second floor, so she gets me a wet hand towel and tells me to crawl so went through all that smoke to the side stairwell that isn’t in the direction of the fire. We get out but I can’t breathe I’m coughing so hard I’m gonna puke in front of all these people so I’m spitting and I can’t breathe and I’m crying. And my sister is crying, and I can see the fire and I can’t look away. Like this is real, like more real than I can ever imagine. They had two ambulances there and my dad took me to one, and eventually I went to the hospital by myself, finally my mom and sister could come see me I spent three hours there, and went through three oxygen tanks I honestly should’ve done a fourth one but I wanted to leave and the doctor was no where to be seen and the nurse I had was kinda an idiot, like that sounds rude but my mask fell on the floor then he was going to give me the same one then he dropped my new mask on the floor and almost gave it to me but sister wouldn’t let him, so I can say he was an idiot. I still haven’t processed anything from that day. I can’t follow along with time. It passes but I’m not here and I’m not there at the fire, it’s kinda like floating. I’m conscious but don’t know how many days have past and I don’t know what day or time it is, I’m so confused I couldn’t remember when we had the fire, my mom had to tell me it was a week before then when I thought it was. We stayed in a hotel from the Friday it happened and then the Sunday after 6 o’clock ish they said it was okay to come back in, but when I went there to see it I couldn’t even be in there the smoke and chemicals were everywhere in everything, they said that it was cleaned it wasn’t there was soot on our furniture and appliances, I went there a few time the first week, my mom needed to call the insurance company, (she doesn’t own a cell phone, she’s 61 and will never own one) and I couldn’t even be inside I would sit on our balcony. Now I’m at another hotel with my mom while my sister and dad stay at our apartment, they have ocd and don’t want to be anywhere else.

It’s now been two weeks and next Friday will be three, I can’t stay at our apartment cause I’ve been getting nose bleed, headaches, I can’t breathe. I can’t even walk around like normal anywhere without wheezing. Now we’re gonna have to move, but the prices are insane, and it would have to be a three bedroom not two like we have, I’m almost 20 and I share with my 18 year old sister we’ve never had our own room. And I’ve packed away almost all my stuff away in storage so cleaners can come, and I don’t have my paints, so I can’t even de-stress that way. Not to mention I’ve been having problems with my oldest friend, and I don’t really know how deal with this situation on top of it all, and yes it’s all the small and big things adding up, and I know it’ll mean nothing one day, but for now I’m allowed to feel these things and I’m allowed to be upset. I know people won’t read this in fact I don’t even know if I’ll post it, but I just need to release a little bit.

Also with Covid-19 being so much worse then it was 2 weeks ago I can’t do much except go from my hotel to the apartment, which isn’t good for me. Did I mention I have compromised health? Lol yeah I think I forgot to mention I have asthma, so when I got to the stores or go out to get food I’m risking a lot, especially with old parents like my dad is almost 69 and my mom also 61 and has compromised health, and no body is taking this shit seriously. I’m scared for me and my family and others. But when I go out nobody respects my space or any other persons space, like do you not get it? Life is real dangerous right now and you don’t care? Maybe it’s cause I’m angry and have been through trauma and stress, and I am young and look healthy but IM NOT! I’m young but I’m not healthy! I have asthma! Which yeah other people have it worse but I have no where to go I can’t stay and isolate in my apartment and I can’t really stay in my hotel if that happens. Not to mention if the hotel shuts down. I’m scared like really when I think about it I feel kinda sick from stress. Why can’t people try to understand the situation? It’s scary and dangerous and you don’t know peoples situation. I’m so done and tired, please everybody be respectful and keep you’re distance. Stay safe and stay home people. Don’t risk it, it’s not worth yours or anybody else’s life. Be strong we got this. Peace and love to you all ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[srlkiller]

today was a lot. i had a 1on1 therapy thing that was supposed to be like an INTRO TO UR RECOVERY WOO!!! LETS GET UR MENTAL HEALTH IN CONTROL!!! But instead it turned into me having 4 panic attacks constantly crying while venting to a social worker in a room w no air con for 2 hours about ‘how my month has been’ and ‘why i haven’t been attending any of my group therapy?’ well sue sweetie.. u asked me…n boy did i give u the answer ur career as a social worker has been WAITING 4!! then i got my 1st covid shot & briefly spoke to my doctor who was rude asf so i was like ok today fucked. Centrelink also called me and told me wrong info which fucked me over. then i see my dad calling and im like OFC HE IS!!massive fight as per n he hangs up but then continues via text bc hes petty asf.

BUT not as petty as my mom bc that is literally how the fight started. bc of her. like this bitch omg. she purposely runs off to my dad and tells him every little thing i do ‘wrong’ bc she knows his temper and how afraid i am of him due to past events so she uses him to basically do her dirty work for her n ‘scare me’. like that’s how manipulative and fucked up she is in the head. she made up a whole ass lie and told my dad that i said to my mom the only reason i was trying to stay in contact with my dad was so that i remain in his will as like the sole beneficiary or whatever….. how sick and twisted must you be to lie to someone directly in their face about something so serious INVOLVING UR OWN CHILD that you share with that person????? i would NEVER! say that about my dad. EVER. this happened months ago btw. as soon as i spoke about it w my dad and i was like “what.. dad i would never say that you know i don’t give a fuck about money like that i don’t care about your will why would i even be thinking about your will?” he was like wait actually that’s fucked up ur right. It was actually HER who made that comment. she got my dad to go and fix fencing at my nans house for free (using him) n my dad mentioned he had a girlfriend. my mum came home & SAID TO ME “u better hurry up and get in ur dads good books now that he has a gf.. before she gets a hold of his will and u end up w nothing” and i simply told her that my dad would never take me off his will regardless so why say that to me. once she got exposed she backtracked and was like “oh it was just a joke” & both my dad and I were both saying that even as a joke how is that funny? how does your mind even start to think in that way? how is this funny to you? then she flips it. her scripts are so repetitive now that ive caught on that i can actually predict what she’s gonna say before she opens her mouth. she manipulates u into thinking ur reality isn’t correct.. saying things like “ omg ur over reacting lol ur so dramatic no wonder no one takes u seriously in life, grow up, i have no idea what ur going on about, have u taken ur medication for the day, have u lost it, are u high on something?” like what in the fuck?

i never once mentioned anything about anyones will.. when i was younger i made the mistake obviously of telling her that my dad was leaving me his house. when my nans will was getting exposed she became overly obsessed w wills in general and changed hers. im guessing behind my back she has actually taken me off now but i don’t want her dirty ass money which is stolen from my accounts anyway. my nan left all her grandchildren a large sum of money that was supposed to be equally split among us, its now been over a year since my nan passed & i noticed a group text come up on my moms phone from her sisters talking about what they did for their children with that money. one of them paid off their entire hex debt so it must be a substantial amount. i have not seen a cent which means she has taken it for herself, put it in her name and placed it into a secret account without my knowledge. if it’s as much $ as i believe it is, this could seriously help me move out and better my situation which she constantly tells me she wants me to get the fuck out ect. yet you are holding the key to the door in ur hand? that’s twisted and very sick. they fought for a year over my nans money and all i asked for was an old XXXX gold stubby holder that was my grandads bc it was very sentimental to me. instead, they chose to have a garage sale and sold all of my nans things and sold that stubby holder to a random person for 20 cents………. i was in shock when i found out.. and they laughed and were like get over it omg it’s just a stubby holder you can just buy another one. these people are so fucked up but they all made me feel like i was losing my mind my whole life. money isn’t shit without sentiment. i could have given you 20 cents if you need that shit so bad. im only attached partially to these evil ass roaches by some genetics but to me none of them are my family. not once have i ever felt cared for, loved, accepted, safe or happy in their presence. i am only ever wanted when they can gain something from me. that is not family. my grandad was big on family n my nan and my grandad are the only two people i claim as family from my moms side. my nans two blind siblings who i admired & adored + a few of my grandads siblings were the only ones who actually showed interest in getting to know me & didn’t look down on me in any way. i was never considered ‘less than’ or not good enough yet i was the family disappointment to my mom and her sisters. but they have never seen her like i see her. the way she acts in front of family is not the person i know. she’s very good at acting. the way she pretends to be a ‘mother’ in front of her own family is actually scary. she’s like the ultimate con artist except she’s too fucking dumb to actually scam people and get rich off of her ability to manipulate whoever she wants. what a shame ur not intelligent.. that sure must suck huh. my nan gave me that maternal love i never had from my mother and my grandad was always that man who held us all together as a unit. when he got sick everything changed and started to go down hill. they had to give up their entire property, his big beautiful garden and vegetables he was really passionate about, the horses and land ect. my nan planted a rose bush and it grew big and blossomed big red roses and she said this is for you, my little rachel rose 🌹 🥺 she said she wanted to take the whole ass bush w her and replant it 😂 but my grandad was like we are not taking a fucking huge ass rose bush w thorns in the car w us Gloria.. i only remembered this today during that therapy session and i hyperventilated so bad n just started crying.. bc i couldn’t believe my brain had blocked that memory for so long just to recover it now that she’s no longer here to share it with.

i can feel the love my dad has for me even when he’s temperamental.. you can see it in his face and his eyes. when i look at my mom i try desperately to find some sort of just fucking anything and… i see nothing. i can tell that she doesn’t feel anything. but she does for other children. just not me. so i know she isn’t a heartless bitch and is capable of emotions of all sorts.. but anything to do with me it’s almost like im invisible or she cannot see fault in her self. she cannot in any way accept anything she has ever done, she has never said the words ‘I’m sorry’ for anything ever in life involving me, she has stood by (literally stood and watched) while her own sisters verbally abused me as a minor calling me out my name AND one even texted my best friend at the time who was about 14 saying that i was a bitch. meaning my mom gave my aunt my friends number to text that message.. my friends mom was livid about this bc what grown ass woman texts a random 14 year old girl paragraphs of shit like that swearing at them and saying that their friend is a rude ungrateful bitch. her mom reacted as a mother should. as i would love my mother to stick up for me just once in life.. u kno.. ever? i still remember my first SUI attempt at like 16 after being abused and this person told me they were leaving and coming back so i had about a 10 min window of time and i panicked as any 16 young girl home alone would.. i called my mom for help bc ur parents are supposed to protect you. her wording was “well what did u do to make him hit you?” “you know that you deserved that”. i was in disbelief that she would react like that.. she was talking so calmly while i was crying hysterically having a panic attack telling her this man was coming back in 10 mins asking her to please help me.. and all she could say was.. “you probably deserved it”. ive never been the same since then tbh. im not blessed enough to be a parent yet, i may never be.. but i know for a fucking FACT that i would NEVER say any of the shit that she says to me to ANY child let alone MY OWN?!?

you had me at 36 years old. you had time to think about this and evaluate whether you thought you would be able to care for a child and make a good parent. If you “didn’t want to deal with me” then you had other options.. you could have sent me to foster care, you could have adopted me out, you could aborted me, shidddd you could have mf swallowed me bitch let’s be real. no, you chose to have a child. there’s no 18 year contract.. she loves to play that card. “UR AN ADULT NOW”, what about me makes me an adult, my age makes me an adult to you? yet you’ve kept me so childlike, so codependent & haven’t taught me basic life skills despite me asking to learn. like im deadass watching YouTube videos to teach myself basic ass life skills… that is sad as fuck. when im 48… guess what??? i am still your child and unfortunately for me!! you are STILL my parent. there’s no changing that bc you made that choice. you can’t just b like yeah i change my mind nvm i want to return it…… like that is really her attitude. i was born with a lot of health issues that have escalated a lot and only continue to get worse with age both mental and physical. guess what tho… if ur child is born with defects u don’t get to just b like omg ew i don’t want it now this one’s too difficult. like trust me.. if i was one of those lil sperm rn i am not about to fertilise u for NOTHING if this is the consequence I’d rather jus keep on swimming lmao.