#my younger sister got covid like 2-3 weeks ago back home which has kept me at like a background 6 level of stress since i found out

[the-wild-wolves-around-you]

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[capricornus-rex]

A Shadow of What You Used to Be (12)

Chapter 12: Fitting Into The Mould | Cal Kestis x Irele Skywalker

Requested by Anon

Summary: There is another! Years after young Anakin Skywalker departed Tatooine, his mother Shmi delivers a second child—this time, a daughter. Whilst the circumstance of the girl’s birth remains unexplained, Irele Skywalker has yet to choose the true path between those laid out for her.

Tags: Fem! OC, Irele Skywalker, Force-sensitive! OC, Anakin’s Younger Sister, Skywalker! OC, Darth Vader’s Secret Apprentice, Long-lost Sibling

A/N: I am so sorry for the delays. A lot of things have taken toll of me. One of which is learning that one of my coworkers is positive with COVID and I just happen to be one of the few people he was with the day before he stopped going to work. So I am required to go into home quarantine, only went out once to do my testing but I haven’t gotten my results yet in the past 5 days which made me extra anxious, and my time out of work will not be paid even though it’s considered “Official Business” as per my company’s COVID policy. But so far, I’ve been fine, which is good. Then my PS4 is on the brink of death just when I started playing Ghost of Tsushima for the first time, but most of the people in my forums say it just needs a deep clean but I’m too scared to take it apart because I’ve never done that. I didn’t want to write while my head’s muddled with these thoughts, but only now did the anxiety subside. I hope you guys understand. I figured the story’s quality will go bad while I have such thoughts and feelings.

Requesting to be tagged: @heavenly1927​

Also in AO3

Chapters: Prelude – 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 – 9 – 10 | Previous: Part 11 | Next: Part 13 | Masterlist

13 of ?

Irele had a kinder three weeks in Anathema than her first week in the Fortress.

As soon as her first day started, she’s required to march her way to the training dojo—to which she got lost in finding, no thanks to the crew working in this metal maze. She’s already feeling her breakfast burning in her stomach after jogging to the dojo, after so many failed attempts and subtle peeking over doors that are ajar, and saved herself from a first-day scolding at the expense of a slight stomach cramp.

Smoke plumed and framed along the walls, colored in blood-orange as the hydraulics and power coolants flowed and hissed underneath the grated floor. At the center of the room, a lone trooper—clad in the same, onyx black armor like the previous ones she saw—stood, with a weapon at the ready; his visage standing in the heart of the dojo gave off an intimidating air around him, as if untouchable, invincible.

Unwelcoming and strict, the instructor obviously to spend every minute wisely.

“Grab a weapon.”

Irele had noticed a rack at the far end of the room; picking up his mood from the moment she saw him, she briskly walked to the weapons rack, troubled herself for a minute on what to use, took a gulp and a breath before snatching the javelin.

She kept her eyes on her faceless teacher while she walked towards him, but her hands searched for the activation switch. The weapon crackled to life, purple lightning glowed Irele’s fair, small face, and she gazed at the cracks of light dancing at the end of the lance.

“Now…” the trooper poised himself in a defensive stance, after showing off a spin with his twin batons. “We begin.”

Irele is no brawler. The only time she ever fought someone or something was a Massiff that had been loosed by its Tusken Raider owner, probably sent out to find and hunt down prey—and that was two years ago, she had shuffled her way out of that situation with a scraped forearm.

Of course, her attacks are flimsy and somewhat limp-looking to the instructor—who had been training a lifetime for combat. The trooper would retaliate with a heavier strike, tenfold from Irele’s power, and would reset his stance for another attack; whereas Irele would still be finding her footing after she’d been staggered.

“This is pathetic!” barked the trooper, relaxing his posture and twirls the left baton. “Put some back into it!”

The poor girl cannot talk back, no matter how much she wanted to. For every time she was staggered or pushed back, she could only coerce herself to poise into a somewhat satisfactory attack stance and get another shot—only to be denied.

This entire session felt like hours on end. Irele could barely notice any progress in herself, except the frustration, disappointment, and boredom all mixing together within the trooper as this day goes on. Whenever he was not satisfied, he would berate the girl—to which he thought would negatively motivate her to attack him more strongly.

Meanwhile, in the confinements of his chamber, Darth Vader watches over Irele’s performance virtually and in real-time. Hidden cameras were all over the dojo, and every feed was relayed to the Vader in his chamber. Screens panned across the half of the circular shell, he could see Irele versus the trooper exchange blows, although he kept his eyes on the girl—his young ward.

He could have sworn he feels something in her. At this time, Irele was beginning to grow exhausted and eager to finish this—she just doesn’t know how to.

“Come on, little girl, put some back into it!” her instructor growled. “I could’ve done better things than  this today!”

Thinking that he can just get this over with by defeating her in the spar, call it a day, and pick up where they’ve left off tomorrow—he charges at the girl who was still gaining her bearings after feeling the weight of the exhaustion get the best of her. At this time, Vader’s eyes remained on the girl, and secretly, he hoped something would come up.

Blinded by his lax arrogance, the trooper rushed towards Irele and raised his arms—both batons at the ready—and sprung up from the floor. Just when he thought he had landed a hit on the girl’s ribcage, Irele blocked it with her javelin at the very last minute.

Finally! The satisfaction of receiving the first step to a seemingly successful attack pattern flooded the girl with a newfound vigor. Irele pushed back the trooper while javelin and batons were still in contact with each other; little by little, her footwork was gradually becoming better, not by a lot, but it was preferable than her stumbling stupor a while ago, there was balance and there was pacing. Clearly, her strikes were not as strong as the instructor had hoped, but they were getting somewhere and that’s enough.

“Your strikes still need work!”

“Don’t…! You…! Just…! Ever…! SHUT UP!?”

For every word Irele roared, a strike would follow.

Her attacks were nothing flashy, she was only using what she knows from Tatooine—one of the few fragment of her past life still clinging into her…

And now it’s being weaponized.

Vader shuffled slightly where he sits. The anger in Irele’s voice and words found their way through his thick hide of an armor—albeit virtually—the emotion was wholly familiar to him.

Anger.

Hate.

It’s something he knows well.

Perhaps too well.

He didn’t wait for the training to finish, he’s watched enough he thinks. With the touch of a button, the screens fold back into their metal hatches within the shell of the chamber; another prompted his seat to swivel so he faces the opening. He steps onto a black circular base, a white ring of light hums alive the moment his boot stepped on it and shifted all his weight on it as he positions himself kneeling.

A bust of his master buzzes into life, shrouded in black was a rather pale face, even in the blue rendition of the hologram, one could tell that his color was sickly and white-as-bone.

“Master…” Vader greeted.

The Emperor did not linger into the niceties. He had sensed that Vader was about to give word of his ward’s progress.

“Her training has begun then.”

“Yes, my master.”

“Her anger… she weaponizes them,” observed Palpatine. He slighted his head back. “I can feel it. Truly strong she is with the dark side of the Force.”

“It is a nature that she cannot seem to outgrow.”

“Good,” croaked the Emperor. “The kin of Skywalker will have no trace of virtue but the Sith!”

“And she will be our asset, my lord.”

[soundsosweeet]

okay so this is just a rant and i’m posting here bc the least amount of people know about my account lol so feel free to skip (it’s more for myself anyway bc it’s so hard for me to discuss with other people since my sister is home all the time)

so i guess this all started this summer (well not technically but that’s when things started to actually happen)... we have a family groupchat on imessage with me, my sister, and laura’s (my sister’s partner) family (laura is white and so is her immediate family...) and this past spring it was brought to the gc’s attention by my sister that people were basically stocking up on guns and ammo as a response to covid by trump supporters bc he called it the china virus. laura’s dad, of course, who tries to avoid conflict at all costs, tries to change the subject to be more lighthearted and one of his other children, laura’s younger sister notices this and acknowledges it in the gc. later on that morning, my sister made a very important observation and brought it to the gc. i have pointed out before that 3 out of 5 children in this family are with asian people to laura and she expressed that the thought didn’t even cross her mind. the other two siblings are 1) not in a relationship and 2) with another white person. anyway, how do you not notice something like this?? something so blatantly obvious. and it’s not like they all JUST got with these people. they’ve been together and/or married for YEARS.... anyway my sister basically said all of this in the gc, and pointing out how laura’s dad was trying to deflect and change the subject. she pointed out how it must be easier for them to not talk about racism, esp towards asian people. laura kinda backed her up but of course, the bare minimum support. she never says anything to her family esp her parents about anything serious ever. unless my sister points it out to her bc laura is just so oblivious. they’ve been together for what like 17 years and my sister only started to speak up about her negative experiences with laura’s parents a few years ago but she has had to endure racist comments a lot over the years. she has told me this and has expressed her frustration to me about laura and her family. i think she started to talk to me about this bc she knew that i’d understand and she wanted me to help her put these things that she was feeling and experiencing into words that would help laura and her family (mostly her parents) understand what they’ve been saying to her these past several years at times were very offensive. going back to the story in the gc, laura’s younger sister backed up their father and was basically trying to say that he wasn’t trying to go against my sister at all, he was just trying to avoid the subject bc of very stupid reasons in my opinion, she said her father was trying to “steer the conversation away from stockpiling ammunition and general doomsday predictions. This is undeniably bringing out the worst in humanity, but we as a family don’t need to be feeding each others’ fears about it.” like okay.... i’m sorry you’re uncomfortable???? but my sister is right. they never talk about these things (as expressed by laura after having to be asked by my sister) and they need to. it’s long overdue. this was the first part of laura’s sister’s message to the gc in response to my sister, before what she said about steering the convo away from the guns and ammo: “We’re all frustrated right now and it is boiling over. Racism is unjust and sometimes fatal and  it’s absolutely justified to be mad as hell about all of this. And you’re right that sometimes we all avoid the topic of race and racism because we can’t find the right words to skillfully address them or we just don’t try hard enough to. I’m very saddened to hear that on top of everything else, some people are having to fear racially motivated backlash right now and in general.” i really don’t think they’ll understand or ever truly try to understand.. they don’t even want to talk about it!! that’s where my other frustration comes in. with laura. i get that in her own way she’s been trying to help my sister and get her family to talk about all of this but in my eyes, it’s not enough. my sister always raves about how laura is this nice, caring, and understanding person. but i feel like that only is true for things that are directly related to her, or things that are only within her comfort zone. and this kind of conversation, esp with her family, outside of her parents, is outside of her comfort zone. she has also expressed that doing these kinds of things (like having serious conversations) brings her great anxiety which is understandable, but in my eyes, she is using her anxiety as an excuse rather than an explanation. idk if that makes any sense but in other words, i feel that she is using the anxiety that this situation brings her as an excuse not to talk about it or have the least amount of involvement in it. but my sister believes that she is the key to open up the conversation that needs to be had, with her family. i think my sister is right. look how quickly they shot my sister down. they’re not going to listen to her. but they will listen to their beloved daughter. so she needs to create that bridge. and she says that she is trying and i guess she is but i feel like again, it’s bare minimum, if that really. anyway after that comment by laura’s sister, my sister left the gc and the convo in the gc was normal by the next day. same old lighthearted photos and comments and white people humor that i never seem to understand. and just recently, laura’s dad added my sister back to the family gc like WHAT LMAO. i just don’t get it. i mean i guess i do bc to them it doesn’t directly affect them, so they don’t care as much but fuck dude, like this family’s shit!!!! i hate it here lol. 

related but also different story, time, place, etc. so we’ve been living in this house for about 6 months now. this city, as big and diverse as it is, we i guess got stuck around literal trump supporters lol like just my luck really. how do we know that?? well when i look at all the wifi networks, “Trump 2020″ comes up as an option. and it is still there even though he lost. anyway. another example, well idk if they’re trump supporters but i’m making an educated guess bc our neighbors across the way have this huge lit up US flag. like it’s the US flag made up of lights and they turn it on every evening since we got here.... in september. idk how long they had it up before we moved in but man, it’s literally been up and lit every night since we moved in in september like ???? i thought they would take it down after christmas like bc it would make sense, bc they were gonna take down their christmas lights anyway but nope. they took everything else down but the flag!!!! not our whole neighborhood is like that though, or it doesn’t seem to be. you know those yard signs (i know this is bare minimum too but it kinda gives me hope after the whole wifi and flag thing) that are like “love is love, black lives matter” and all that?? omg i found it, it’s this:

anyway so i see these around too, in addition to american flags and shit. but i was walking my dog one day in broad daylight, i think it was like around 3pm. i was on my own street like on the way home, and i had just crossed the street bc we live on a main street i guess and there are a lot of side streets, so i was just crossing one of the side streets but still stayed on the same side and everything. this car pulls up to the stop sign that i just passed, and by back is facing them, and this guy that sounds about my age like early twenties maybe a bit older was like “HEY LADY WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR DINNER. WHY IS THE DOG EATER WALKING HER DOG. WHY ARE YOU WALKING YOUR MEAL.” and just a bunch of variations of essentially the same thing. i know they were trying to get me to turn around when they just kept on going, repeating basically the same phrase. the guy even yelled at me to turn around but i didn’t. the whole time i was looking forward and just kept walking. i also believe he was in the passenger seat but that’s just the way the car was facing like the passenger seat would’ve been the closest to me. i think i heard whoever was in the driver’s seat like chuckling after the guy’s first sentence. i was so scared. i was so scared they were gonna follow me home. i was almost home like i was already on my street!! luckily they didn’t follow me home, and they turned left after they were done harassing me. if they turned right though, then i would’ve been even more scared that they would stop the car and try to hurt me. this old guy who was in front of his house heard everything that happened though and i think saw the guy who was yelling at me and the car that they were in. as i was passing his house, he asked me if i was okay, and of course i lied and said “yes i’m okay, thank you” and kept walking. what else was i supposed to do. idk. i rushed home after that though. this car even drove by me and stopped just ahead of me and i thought they came back but i think they were just lost bc as i was approaching the car, they drove off, probably looking at directions or something. so how this is related to what i was talking about at first... laura told her family about this. her parents and her younger sister (the one that defended her dad earlier). all they had to say was “i’m sorry that happened to you” essentially. like i grocery shop for her parents bc they’re old and you know less exposure and i don’t mind it at all, but anyway when i was dropping the groceries off at their house, laura’s mom asked if i could talk for a minute on the porch and i said yes and she was basically like “laura told me about what happened to you last week” and i was just like “oh” bc i knew that laura told them but i wasn’t expecting either of her parents to actually talk to me about it bc ya know like they always try to avoid talking about serious shit. but she was like “i’m so sorry that happened to you. that’s horrible. there’s still terrible, incredibly racist people out there.” and i was like yeah bro i know in my head lol like ???? there have been many incidents recently that are much worse than mine surrounding asian people esp the elderly, and she never mentioned any of that. just what happened to me. idk it just bothers me that they only really “care” when something happens. i mean they never actually do anything after the fact but they only say shit like that or wanna talk about it when something bad happens to me?? fucked up.

also just some other problems i have with laura (i’m copy/pasting from my notes app lol and adding stuff to it if i feel like it needs more context or whatever):

(i guess this is more about my sister and laura’s relationship and not just laura...) how do express that i’m not part of their relationship. ofc i wanna help my sister bc i know she has a hard time explaining these kinds of things bc she’s explicitly told me and bc i know she’s had to keep quiet or felt like she’s needed to keep quiet for a long time but i’m not part of their relationship. i shouldn’t have to be this person in the middle trying to relay what my sister is feeling to laura so that it’s clear and easy to understand for her white ass fucking brain. bc also the truth is that laura should already know. she’s only ever been with women of color that i know of and i know she’s not oblivious about the history this country has with people of color. she must know something at least but when it comes to her family making weird remarks about asians, she either doesn’t catch it or doesn’t defend my sister. only recently has my sister been comfortable telling laura that these things happen, that she feels uncomfortable with some of the things laura’s parents say whether they’re directed at her or not. and my sister even left the family groupchat bc she tried to say something to the whole family specifically something laura’s dad said about asians being targeted for “causing covid” (not just her parents but the extended family, two of her siblings are also with asian people) but got a negative response (from her dad and her sister) and so she felt the need to leave. they’ve been together for so long like 17 years?? and all of this is just being addressed now but my sister feels that laura isn’t doing enough to make her parents understand the things that my sister has gone through throughout her life and the racism she’s faced and now the heightened amount of racism other asian people are facing. and she’s also scared bc she’s not straight, obviously she’s with laura but laura’s white. and ofc she’s not straight either but she’s still white and that will always come first bc it’s what people are able to see. so when my sister is “being paranoid” about the people who live around us finding out about them because laura’s parents want to give them my sister and laura’s info just in case something happens, laura can’t quite explain my sister’s reasoning to her parents the way that she wants her too. she thinks that laura is sugarcoating these things for them and she doesn’t know why - does she think they won’t understand?? is she just protecting them?? who tf knows. but my sister knows for sure that if they aren’t told straight up why my sister is so scared, then they’ll never understand and they’ll keep trying to do things like this. and ofc i get why my sister is scared, ofc i don’t fully understand but i can imagine why. 

also i just believe that laura is ignorant (and chooses to be). which really sucks, again bc from what i know she has only been with women of color, her ex and my sister. at least those are the only two relationships that i’ve heard of. but i know she also graduated undergrad with a degree in sociology. i know times have changed and that she might not have learned all of the things that i have learned in my sociology classes but fuck man. she’s really gonna limit herself to learning about these things in a classroom esp when we already know our education is targeted towards and favors white people (esp back then, like early 2000s)?? yikes. i don’t understand how one who is not only with someone esp for this long but also got a degree in this kind of stuff just isn’t interested in keeping themselves informed and educated. like just bc you’re with a person of color doesn’t just give you this pass or all the knowledge that you need to know bc guess what, my sister doesn’t even understand all the things that we do (like at this summer, at the peak of the blm protests, my sister asked me “what about asians, why aren’t people talking about how asian people have suffered during the pandemic”). but i know my sister is at least kinda trying. she reads things every day to keep herself informed and also attends virtual discussions. laura does not. my sister has even told me. she works and that’s it. and she says that she understands that laura has anxiety and that these sorts of topics make her really anxious. but i think she’s just scared. i mean i don’t want to undermine her anxiety at all. that’s not what i’m trying to do. i just think that she’s using it more as an excuse rather than like an explanation, if that makes any sense. i just don’t know what to do bc this really frustrates me. and i feel a lot of pressure bc my sister has no one else to talk about it with. and i obviously want to help her and she talks to me bc she knows that i know these things and can help her put these things into words for her so that she can explain everything to laura. but laura gets reeeeeally defensive. and that’s also really annoying. she just shuts down and closes herself off. bc it’s like she doesn’t even try to understand and that’s what i don’t understand about her and this whole thing about her being “nice” and supportive or whatever. this is what my sister has told me and my cousins. that laura is the nicest person in the world. and she’s the one who has told me many times that “anyone can be nice.” and i’m not saying that laura isn’t nice, bc i think she is but i still think that she keeps that kindness and generosity and caring/compassion within her own circle. like she doesn’t necessarily try to do anything for people that aren’t directly within her circle of things she cares about or directly relates to her. she will only donate to organizations that she has a connection to but not the ones that don’t necessarily relate to her like literally anything that involved black people this summer. it didn’t even seem like a possibility to her. it just angers me so much that she’s painted as this really nice, caring person but she doesn’t even care enough to really understand her own partner’s struggles and stand up to her parents for her when she needs her to without being asked. i know it takes time to notice these things especially as a white person bc it’s not really stuff they’re used to noticing or whatever but shit. it’s the least she can do. really. like it’s about time. 

and an update from the present bc the points i made above were from january (right after the incident walking my dog). laura has a new position now at work. she’s the temp assistant nurse manager bc someone left so they asked her to take on the position. she’s only temp bc she technically could be the permanent one but she doesn’t want to do it since they apparently don’t do as much hands-on patient stuff and that’s what she likes to do i guess. it’s more paperwork i believe than she’s used to with her regular position. anyway, before she took on this new position, my sister told me she talked to laura about how even before, she didn’t really help around the house at all. like she’d come home after work and just sleep or dick around. meanwhile, my sister also works all day, cooks, cleans/does laundry (for the house but also her own AND laura’s which i’ve told her more than once is ridiculous.. that she does laura’s laundry), does grocery shopping, etc. like basically everything else, in addition to me, bc i also do a lot of stuff around the house. i also cook, i clean, and i take care of the dog, and go grocery shopping w my sister too sometimes. but the only thing laura really does (and she doesn’t even do it anymore since she started with this new position) was walk the dog. truthfully, i haven’t had the courage to go out again by myself to walk the dog since that happened to me. and i feel like i eventually will but idk. so my sister basically told her if you take this position, you need to promise me you’re gonna try even harder to help me/us around the house. bc her shift time has also switched like instead of coming home around 8pm, she now gets home around 3pm, so much more daylight and time in general to be helping around the house. but guess what. nothing has changed. i haven’t spoken to my sister about it or how she feels, whether or not she thinks that laura is getting better about helping around the house but at least imo, nothing has changed. if anything she sleeps more bc she gets up so early for work now so she naps when she gets home, and nothing gets done bc she has such a hard time getting up after she takes a nap. annoying. 

and an addition to what i was saying about how laura completely shuts down when we talk about her and her family, like how they don’t do shit about anything: when we were talking a couple weeks ago about what happened last spring in the family group chat, laura said that she had texted her sister about the situation to get her honest opinion about what happened and ask her why she responded in the way that she did (defending their dad). my sister and i kept asking laura to tell us exactly how their convo went. and she would look at her phone and tell us pieces. i could tell she was leaving stuff out bc while she was looking at her phone, she’d pause and not say anything, as if she was reading and not tell us bc it would upset us, and then continue on a couple seconds later about the stuff she thought was okay to say. she just didn’t want us to shit on her sister. i could feel it. i even asked her if i could just read the text convo rather than her “reading” it to us, bc she wasn’t actually reading everything and i thought it would be easier than her trying to explain everything they had already talked about. she hesitated then said no, she didn’t want me to read. my sister asked why and she just stayed silent. laura always says that she says to her family and feels that she “just wants to open up a conversation.” okay then what is this?? she’s not even telling us everything!! my sister asked her again why she doesn’t want us to read the texts. she asks “are you afraid we’ll get mad at her (her sister)??” and laura replies yes. my sister says why?? give us a summary of what she said if you don’t wanna read word for word. laura says her sister is just defending their dad and is angry towards my sister, targeting her anger towards my sister bc of what she said in the gc. laura’s sister feels that my sister was specifically targeting her anger at their dad at the time and she was still mad about that. do you see what i’m saying?? this family is fucked. laura does not want to open up a conversation from what i’m seeing. when we’re against her and her family, she doesn’t wanna talk. if we wanna talk generally about racism and homophobia, she’s okay with it. how can you say you wanna “open up a conversation” and not converse or only talk about the stuff that isn’t as difficult to talk about???? but my sister tried to get laura to tell us more by adding that if she told us, we could help her formulate a response she can send to her sister to help her understand where my sister was coming from. laura still refused to tell us. and i still haven’t seen those texts yet and i don’t think i ever will. and i don’t think laura will even talk to us about their conversations anymore. she’s too scared. and that’s all i can think of rn lol. i might update this later but yeah..