#anyway now i am upset and depressed maybe i should go eat cake | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

all1e23 · 5 years ago

Text

Between the Stars [Pt.8]

Pairings: Past!Steve x Reader, Bucky x Reader

Series warnings: CHARACTER DEATH. Grief. Overall sadness. Depression. It’s pretty angsty if I’m being honest. Things mellow out as the series goes on. TW: Military/Spouse death.

A/N: **TW: A certain death is finally explained in this chapter. It is the second half of the chapter. It’s not in crazy detail but there is some important plot stuff mixed in. I decided to post despite someone stealing my work. 😤 Thanks to my beautiful beta @moonbeambucky for looking this chapter over for me. Enjoy the sad I guess. If you like it write me a book report, sing me a song or come scream at me.

***My fics are not to be saved or posted on any other sites without my written permission. Reblogs are my jam, though! Thanks!****

Stepping away from music for those ten months turned out to be the best thing you could have done for yourself and your career. Without the small reprieve, you doubted you would have found your way back to teaching, and you loved teaching. Not that it had been intended as a break at the time you walked away. You had every intention of never looking at another sheet of music again, but then Bucky came home and things became more complicated and somehow easier. You doubted that he knew what he was doing, and why should he? It wasn’t as if he had planned on coming home to pick up all your broken pieces so he could help put you back together. He did -- whether he realized it or not -- help you get some of your old life back. The bit that you could take with you into this new one. You even called a few of your former students and asked their parents if they were interested in picking up their lessons. Most said they would love to pick up where you left off, and a few said they found someone new in your absence. You couldn’t blame them. The world had continued while you chose to stand still.

Bucky must have noticed a difference because he told you he liked how pretty you looked when you were smiling.

Lessons started with the school year, and fall was here before you could blink. You were surprised to find you weren’t dreading the holidays as much as you thought. It would be the first holiday season since you got the call and you had expected it to feel like the rest -- hollow and grim. Along with Easter and Memorial Day, you had skipped celebrating Steve’s birthday. There was a small cake you shared with Bucky, three bites in, and you couldn’t force any more falsities down. You spent the rest of the night in your room. It was one of the rare nights you hadn’t slept next to Bucky since he had been home. You needed the night to yourself, and he understood that. By morning, your wedding ring had found its way from your ring finger to a chain that Steve had given you years ago. It felt strange at first. From the moment Steve slipped it on your finger, it rarely left your skin, and when you did, it always felt like there was a piece of you missing. That feeling didn’t show up this time, but you imagined there weren’t many more pieces of you that could go missing. You didn’t want to make it a big deal, so you kept it tucked inside your shirt. Of course, Bucky noticed the absence right away. He never questioned it.

It was a step forward (or maybe backward you weren’t sure some days). They were small, slow steps taken, but at least you were moving.

You’re not sure when it happened, but one morning you woke up and everything didn’t hurt as bad, you guessed it started right around the time Bucky came home. While moving forward was necessary (as everyone continued to remind you), there were days when it felt like a betrayal. You are moving on, and Steve can’t come with you. A little guilt blackens your heart every time you smile on those days; so you falter and take those arduous steps back. It lessens with every laugh and smile Bucky draws out of you, but it’s there under it all, and there’s the fear too. You’re afraid if you move on and keep up with the rest of the world you will forget. You will forget everything you and Steve had, and it will be as if you were never anything at all. Bucky shook his head when you confessed that to him late one night with your forehead pressed firmly against his shoulder, fighting your sleep and the nightmares you were sure would follow.

“You’re holding on to the past, Y/n. You gotta let it go. I’m not sayin’ you have to stop lovin’ him, but you gotta let go of the part of Steve that’s keeping you from moving on and being happy. Or it’s going to continue to tear at you until there’s nothing left.”

“And if I forget him?”

“You won’t, Trouble. You can’t forget a love like that. Trust me, I know.”

Bucky didn’t elaborate, and you didn’t dare ask. He’s never mentioned anything about falling in love in all the years you’ve known him. You’ve never seen him hold onto a woman for longer than a month and the idea of Bucky being in love, holding on to that love all these years without ever getting to know it turns your stomach inside out and shades your heart a bitter green. You’d rather not dwell on those feelings long enough to understand them.

Neither of you spoke about it again, and you were thankful. You didn’t think you could handle discussing Bucky’s long lost love when you could barely pick out an outfit. You’ve been staring at your clothes for an hour now, and everything either looked awful or felt wrong. Maybe you needed to buy new clothes and start from scratch. Every piece you owned had a memory stitched into the fabric, and you didn’t need to be reminded of things you would never have again. Bucky pulled a grey flannel out of his closet, and you reached across the bed, yanking it right out of his hand to slip over your head. That would have to work for today. Bucky rolled his eyes and turned back to the closet to grab a blue Henley for himself.

You always did like the way he looked blue.

“I can go see Sam so you can have some time alone with Tasha and Wanda.”

You didn’t say anything. Just gave a simple nod of the head, refusing to look up from the pile of clothes on the bed that now needed to be put away. You could leave it. The girls would be here any minute, and with Bucky gone, you could deal with it then. Bucky reached out to wrap his fingers around your wrist and gave a gentle tug, forcing your gaze to follow the motion up to meet his eyes. He ran his thumb over the soft thumping in your wrist and stared at you for a while as if he was working something out.

“Or,” Bucky suggested gently. “I can stay right here and work on my bike.”

Your lips curled up in a small smile despite your brain’s wish to keep them in a permanent frown.

“Okay,” You agreed with an easy smile. You slipped your wrist out of Bucky’s loose hold and made your way towards the door, stopping before you crossed the threshold and looked back at him with a deep frown replacing the pretty smile you were wearing only a second ago.

“You don’t have to babysit me, y’ know?”

Bucky’s laughter was followed by an exasperated groan. Of course, that was why you were upset.

“Yeah, I know. You’re just fine on your own.”

There was no fighting the grin Bucky’s words caused. “Yes, I am. But… you can hang around if you want to.”

“I’ve meant to clean up my girl anyway. I’ll hang around today, Trouble.”

Bucky assurance made your heart rest a little easier and maybe his too because he looked relieved when you nodded. The doorbell broke your silence and forced you to leave his side; you barely made it to the top of the stairs when you heard Bucky mutter, “Pain in my ass.” There was a fondness in his voice that made your heart leap.

Even though you were back to teaching you made sure not to overwhelm yourself; Tuesdays and Thursdays you worked late into the evening. It was nice to have something to look forward to, and Bucky always had something to eat ready when your last student left around 8:30. That was nice too.

Natasha had called earlier in the week wanting to come over Thursday night, and you had to explain that you went back to work. There was silence on the other end of the line, and silence was never good with Natasha. She was probably mad you didn’t tell her and that you were keeping things that important hidden, but it wasn’t something you wanted to advertise. Besides, Friday was as good a day as any to have the girls over. No one had to work the next day and took some of the pressure off. Everything felt normal when Natasha and Wanda arrived; you shared a hug or two. Okay, three. Wanda liked to hug, and she showed you the muffins she baked while Natasha held up a bottle of something that looked as if it could melt the glass it came in. You didn’t know what you expected. You hadn’t thought you would feel so excited to see them. Not because you didn’t love them, but having excitement around anyone but Bucky has been rare these last few months.

Sometimes the unexpected was good.

You chose to sit on the window bench that happened to overlook the side yard where Bucky had his black and chrome bike parked and was sitting on an old milk crate hard at work. That didn’t go unnoticed by Natasha. Not that anything ever does.

“So are you two living together now?”

You slowly draw your gaze up from the wine glass in your hand to look at Natasha and Wanda, who was skillfully avoiding your eyes as she blew on her tea for far longer than necessary.

“Yes. Is that a problem? It’s not like we talked about it or anything. It just sort of happened.”

Natasha shrugged in answer to your question and waited for you to go on. She wanted more of an explanation, so you rolled your eyes and explained why Bucky was staying with you.

“He didn’t have anywhere to go when he came home.”

Natasha smirked at the suggestion that Bucky would have been homeless if he hadn’t come to live with you, and you knew right away what you said had been a mistake. “Besides his mom’s, right? She lives twenty minutes from here. What about Sam’s? Or at my place with Clint and I? And I’m a hundred percent certain Sarah Rogers would have taken him in if everyone else in his life let him down for some unknown reason.”

You turned to look back out the window right as Bucky looked up, catching his eye, and you felt the panic in your chest lessen. Bucky gave you that pretty smile and scrunched his nose at you before going back to work. You fought to keep your smile small and lost the battle before it even got started. Wanda’s voice pulled you back into the living room; it was gentle as if she was trying to offset Natasha.

“I think what Nat was trying to ask is if you are planning on staying here together, or is he going to get his own place eventually?”

“We haven’t talked about it. I suppose he will at some point, though...”

You frowned at the thought. Why did that bother you so much?

“He doesn’t have to do anything, you know?” Wanda added at the sight of your upset. “He might want to stay here.”

“Maybe, but he has to move on eventually,” you added, dread filling your voice from the mere thought of Bucky leaving you. “He can’t stay here just to keep me from falling apart for the rest of this life.”

They were right. Bucky will eventually want to get back to his life. He can’t babysit you forever. There was going to come a time when he will want to date, fall in love, and get married. Maybe even have kids. Do all the things that you were supposed to do with Steve. The thought of Bucky leaving you to have that life with someone else made you sick, and you know it’s selfish. It’s unfair to expect him to stay there with you because you don’t want to lose him to someone else.

“How are you doing?” Natasha sounded a little softer this time, sensing your unease. “Are you sleeping?”

“Yeah, I started sleeping in Bucky’s room with him. It seemed to help.”

They stayed quiet but shared a look. You weren’t fond of whatever that was.

“What?”

“It’s nothing.” Wanda rushed out far too quickly, but Natasha was quick to cut in, and by her tone, you could tell she’s been feeling this way for a while. “I’m just wondering how long you are going to keep punishing yourself?”

Natasha stared at you and Wanda swore under her breath. They talked about this before coming over. That was clear by the glare Wanda was settling Natasha with. You briefly wondered how often your friends discuss you like that. More often than you approved of, you were sure.

“I’m not punishing myself. I’m allowed to be sad. My husband died--”

“You’re right. You are allowed to be sad. Just like you’re allowed to find new things that make you happy and start putting your life back together.”

“I’m fine, Nat. I don’t need anything new. I have our house and my music--”

“And, Bucky?”

While she was right, you did have Bucky, in a sense. Bucky wasn’t new. You had a feeling what she was suggesting would be very new and not a notion you wanted to entertain.

“Natasha--”

“It’s okay to be happy again, Y/n. It’s okay to let your heart get put back together and heal. It doesn’t cheapen what you had with Steve. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him, and it doesn’t mean you are betraying him. You aren’t doing anything wrong by letting yourself find happiness again. Even if that happiness is found with Bucky.”

You had a feeling what Natasha was hinting at, but hearing it outright like that made you a little queasy. Did people, your friends, talk about you and Bucky like this? Is that what everyone was worried about, who would get you next?

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t act stupid Y/n. You’re a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”

“He’s been my best friend since I was thirteen. It’s not-- It’s never been--” You took a deep breath and told them both, firmly. “He’s my best friend.”

Wanda pinched Natasha’s thigh and grabbed your hands from where she sat on the floor between you and Natasha. “All Nat is trying to say is if you wanted to find happiness again... with Bucky or anyone for that matter, it’s okay. You’re not doing anything wrong by moving on.”

“It’s been nearly a year since you lost Steve. It’s time to start picking up the pieces, Y/n. With Bucky or without. You can’t stay stuck in this in-between, and you can’t go back.”

You turned your gaze back out the window to catch Bucky staring at you. He quickly looked back at his bike and fiddled with the wrench in his hand. It reminded you of all those days he would hide you in Shop class so you could skip Geometry with Mr. Coulson. The memory makes you grin. The girls might be half right. Maybe you couldn’t go back, but that didn’t mean you wanted to let it go completely.

----

Three hours after Natasha and Wanda left, you found yourself wandering around the house with what you thought was purposeless. It started in the kitchen, and you slowly made your way through your home, somehow ending up in the doorway to Bucky’s room. Your heart must have told your feet where to go and left your brain in the dark. His hair was still wet from a fairly recent shower. The ends were darker than the rest and shiny from being wet. It wasn’t long enough to tuck behind his ears, but it was long enough that he could slick it back. His beard had become relatively thick due to his laziness these last few months. To be fair, most of his attention has been on you. When he mentioned trimming it a few weeks ago, you wrinkled your nose at the thought, and at the time, he had laughed.

He never did trim it after that.

Bucky glanced up at you, hovering at the threshold to his room, and he smiled, crooking his finger for you to come in. You pushed off the doorframe and made your way over to where he was resting on the end of the bed, wet towel lying on the bed next to him. You wanted to tell him it was getting your side of the bed all wet, but you thought better of it.

It’s not your bed, after all. You have your own you should probably start to sleep in and let Bucky get back to living his own life.

“Have a good time?” Bucky asked. There was a softness in his voice he saved for you and you alone.

You shrugged.

“Tasha called me stupid on the way out. Got any idea what that is about? Should I be scared?”

You grinned and brushed a fallen strand of hair back to lay with the rest. “I don’t know, but being scared is always a safe bet when Nat is involved. How’s the bike? It looked like you got a lot done.”

“She’s good. Just cleaned her up a bit and changed the oil. You know, I like fiddling with her a bit, and she’s been sitting at my mom’s collecting dust.”

You cupped his cheek and gently rubbed his cheekbone with your thumb. He nuzzled your palm right away, eyes falling closed, and he seemed to relax a fraction. There was tension in his shoulders you hadn’t noticed before, a darkness that has never lingered in his eyes this long, and his smile never quite reached his eyes anymore. He’s spent all this time taking care of you, and you never once noticed how badly he was struggling.

He was lost just like you.

“Hey.”

Bucky looked up at the sound of your voice and quickly pulled away from your touch as if he remembered he shouldn’t be doing that. You slowly drew your hand back, letting them drop to your side and choosing to sit next to him instead.

“Wanna talk?”

“‘Bout what?”

He looked dejected, troubled. A little scared, too.

“What’s been weighing on your heart.” Bucky dropped his gaze, his tell for waiting to drop the subject, but you pushed a little more. “I didn’t see it before. I was too wrapped up in my shit, but I can see it now. The guilt and the hurt.”

If he honestly couldn’t talk, or didn’t want to, you would drop it.

“Y/n, you don’t want to hear about that.”

So it was about Steve’s death then. You had a feeling.

“If I couldn’t handle it, I wouldn’t have asked. I need to hear it, Bucky, and I think you need to talk about it as well.”

It took a long time before Bucky made any movements at all. He shifted further away from you, tossing the towel onto the desk chair and turned to face you. You mirrored his position tucking one leg under you on the bed and letting the other hang off the edge. He was still quiet, gathering his thoughts and a little courage, too. You nudged his barefoot with yours and he gave you a small smile.

“Steve was… He was walking in front of me. Like he always does-- like he did, and Sam was on our left.” Bucky licked his lips, tossing words around his head to find the right ones. This was harder than he thought it would be.

“I wasn’t paying attention. I should have been. That’s my damn job. I was too busy staring at the damn…” Bucky stopped short, and the look of guilt he gave you said he feared you already knew his crimes and found him deserving of judgment.

“At what, Bucky?”

Bucky dropped his eyes and shook his head.

“You’ll hate me.”

“Bucky… I could never hate you. Nothing you could do would make me hate you.”

Bucky closed his eyes, squeezed them shut really. He didn’t want to see your face when he said what he had to say next. “I was staring at your scarf. It was sticking out of his collar, poking up right out of the back of his BDU’s and all I could think about was you, and how I could never have-- I was distracted.”

He reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand. You had to stop yourself from reaching out and pulling him close. Bucky needed to get this off his chest and you needed to hear it.

“Next thing I knew, there was a shot fired and then about ten after that. Maybe more. I don’t know. Steve was down, and at first, I thought he dropped to take cover, but my damn ears were ringing, and shots were flying everywhere. I tried to yell out, but I couldn’t hear my voice over the noise. Sam was trying to drag me away, but I couldn’t leave him lying there…”

Bucky’s words became stuttered and choked. You could follow along, but you had to piece together the holes Bucky couldn’t fill. He explained how Steve had taken the bullet for him, how he had been distracted and didn’t see it in time. Bucky told you that he had pulled Steve undercover, and Steve had begged for Bucky to take care of you for him. Bucky left out the reason Behind Steve’s choices that day. You didn’t need to know that when Bucky asked why he did that, Steve told him with that stupid lopsided smile, “You’re my best friend, Buck and Y/n... S-she can go on without me. She can’t live without you though.”

You wiped your tears away with shaking fingers. Bucky blamed himself for Steve’s choices and you couldn’t let him go on thinking he was at fault for something he had no control over. Scarf or not.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Yn...”

“No, Bucky. It wasn’t your fault. If it had been the other way around, you would have jumped in front of him. We both know you would have.”

“But if I was--”

“It’s not. Your fault, Bucky.”

You crawled into his lap and pulled his head to your chest. Bucky tightened his arms around your waist, clutching at the thick fabric of his shirt still clinging to your skin. “I don’t blame you, and I know Steve wouldn’t,” You cooed softly in his ear. ”He would do it a hundred times over, and I know you would do the same for h-him.”

Bucky tucked his nose into your neck and took a shaky inhale. The two of you sat like that as the glow of the room slowly faded from orange to dark blue. Bucky’s quiet sobs had settled into barely-there sniffs along with your own. There was a new heaviness resting on your chest, but despite the pain that came with knowing the truth, it gave you a tiny bit of closure. He never said if he believed you or accepted your forgiveness. You prayed he did. You hoped now he would be able to forgive himself, too.

“Bucky?”

There a beat of silence. Bucky rubbed his beard against your neck making you shiver. You could feel a faint smile on your skin when he finally spoke.

“Yeah?”

Bucky slowly lifted his head, so the two of you were sitting nose to nose now, you were so close that when you whispered he could feel your breath against his lips, “I’m glad you came home… to me.”

Maybe now, you could both heal and move on to something new.

“Me too, Trouble. Me too.”

Previous // Next

#bucky barnes x reader #Bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #past!Steve Rogers x reader #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky x yn #alternate universe #military au #tw: military death #tw: loss of spouse #tw: character death

568 notes · View notes

foxtophat · 4 years ago

Link

i dont have much to say about this one!!! it’s just a story about carmina’s tenth birthday, and how the town of fall’s end is coping a decade after the collapse. uhhh there are some random children in it? bean is there! and of course john shows up, too, because that’s KIND OF THE POINT of mercyverse lol

technically there’s a story that comes before this, but i don’t have the vibe yet for it so i haven’t worked on it in a while. instead, i’ll probably just keep moving forward and throw up that one if the rest of the plot becomes at all relevant to the real main storyline. uhhh the next one will take place in the spring of 2029 and we’re going to start getting into some fun stuff that i’ve planned out for a while!!!

until then, uh, the usual: love you, please like/share/reblog/kudos/comment, whatever you feel good about doing, because i sure do love to share my universe with other people! hope you’re doing well and hopefully i’ll see you with another fic in a few weeks!

also as usual: the story text is below the cut for those of you who wanna stay on tumblr :)

It's Carmina's tenth birthday, and there's a party in town. The two things aren't exactly related, sure, but Carmina's used to sharing her birthday with the Collapse, and she's not about to turn down a bunch of free food. How can she not go to a real Hope County barbecue after her parents had hyped the experience up so much in the bunker? She'd hoped that her ninth birthday would have gotten a similar treatment, but the town just didn't have the food or people for it at the time. Her parents had told her that next year would be better; Carmina does her best to keep her imagination from blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

They leave a little bit after breakfast. Since John is coming along, mom has no excuse not to let Carmina ride in the back with him. He's not excited to be heading into town, but then again, the town isn't usually excited to see him, either. And considering what day it is, they're likely to be extra rude to him. Carmina doesn't get it, honestly, but she's just glad that she can ride in back without her mom grabbing onto her at every pothole and bump in the road.

The first surprise of the day comes as her dad parks just past the church, giving her a chance to stand up and look out over the town. She hasn't been here in a while, and so she's surprised to see that they've cleared out a lot of the dirt lot behind the usable buildings — and there are a lot of people hanging out there. Carmina's never seen so many people at once — she loses count around twenty and can easily guess double that. It's enough to rattle her nerves for just a second, before she catches the looks on her mom and dads' faces and realizes that this is probably a good thing. Sure, John looks like he wants to hop back in the truck and go home, but he always looks like that around strangers. Her parents, on the other hand, actually seem happy for once, and that's what matters to Carmina.

The second surprise is just how many of the adults seem to know her. Her parents move slowly through the mingling crowd, usually coming up with names for faces before Carmina's even looked at the strangers who call her by name. She gets lots of comments like, "I remember when your parents were expecting you!" and "I was wondering how the Rye's little girl turned out!" and even a few, "Glad to see you made it," comments that make her parents side-eye each other pretty fiercely. She doesn't need to introduce herself to anyone, not even people who her parents don't know so well — it's like everybody's always known her, and her family. It's kind of cool — but also kind of weird. Pastor Jerome always said that their family was a pillar in the community, but this is first-person evidence, right here in front of her.

Plenty of the adults wish her a happy birthday, too, but she knows their hearts aren't in it. It's one of the big drawbacks to sharing her birthday with the end of the world — nobody asks how old she is, nobody wants to know what she did on previous birthdays, and all of them have to make some kind of depressing comment. Like trying to get her to relate to birthdays before the Collapse: all they want to do is tell her about all the things she could be doing, or would be doing, if only the world hadn't ended. They want to share their birthdays from the past, but Carmina's never been to the movies, she doesn't know who Disney is, and she has no idea why they'd need a cake and candles for it all. Somebody tells her she should be graduating to the fourth grade, and she just stares back because what even is the fourth grade? What does that mean?

They mean well, so Carmina does her best not to upset anybody, but she knows that nobody appreciates how little she cares about life before the Collapse.

At least there are other kids in town today. Her mom had been telling her about some of them — kids who don't have families, who the town looks after — but Carmina's only ever met one of them, and that had been only for a few minutes. But Carmina can see them hanging out in the field, and as soon as her mom lets her, she heads right out to them. It's about time that she met people her age — she's getting tired of only ever talking to old people.

Of course, meeting strangers is still difficult for her, but she's saved from too much embarrassment as she recognizes the chicken brothers hanging out in the small group. She can't remember which one is Tom and which one is Matt, but they seemed really nice when they helped her pick out her chickens. She also recognizes the oldest boy in the group, although she can't remember his name at all. She's never seen the others before — two teenage girls, another boy her age, and a kid a couple years younger than her — but hopefully she won't make a total fool of herself.

"Hi," she says as she approaches, waving.

"Hey, Carmina," Matt-or-Tom says, stepping aside to make room for her in their makeshift circle. "I thought we would see you today."

"Yep," Carmina smiles, "Here I am!" She sees the teenagers' curious looks and tells them with little fanfare, "Today's my birthday."

"Oh," the oldest boy says. "That sucks."

One of the girls elbows him. "Don't be mean," she says.

"No, he's right," Carmina says. "It does suck."

"Well, happy birthday anyway. How old are you now?"

"Ten."

"Wow," the girl says. She looks at the boy, then back to Carmina, and says sympathetically, "You weren't kidding. That's rough."

Giggling with relief, Carmina waves once more. "It's okay. My name's Carmina, by the way. It's nice to meet you."

Being polite works like a charm, and the oldest boy is quick to go around with introductions. "Well, I'm Jason — this is Caroline, and this is Flower. The little kid there —"

"Hey!"

"— Is Bean, and... Sorry, man, what did you say your name was again?"

The other ten-year-old looking boy frowns and shoves his hands deeper into his pockets. "Luke," he says.

"Okay, Luke. And you know Tom and Matt."

"We were talking about the bison out in the field," Tom-or-Matt says. He points in the direction of home and asks, "Did you guys see the big one when you were coming into town?"

"The one that's all white?" Carmina asks, "With the big scar over its hump? We see that one all the time when we come out this way —"

"No, no," the other brother says, "Jason says there's a bigger one."

"I told you guys," Jason says, "I only saw it once, and it was late at night while I was up in the crow's nest. I don't think it comes out during the day."

Carmina frowns. "What big one? What do you mean?"

"Oh, boy," Caroline sighs, "Don't listen to him, Carmina, he's full of shit."

"Hey, language," Flower laughs.

"Look, I was pretty far away, but I had the sniper rifle and I wasn't sleeping on the job. Uh, so..." He points out over the field, towards a squat set of huts surrounding a tall, busted silo that's still standing. The view from up there must be great. "Jerome has me sit up in that tower sometimes, you know, to practice. So I was up there, looking around, and it was probably midnight or so... and I just see this glow out in the field. I think it's a fire, right? Maybe somebody made a camp out there on their way to town or something. So I look out through the scope — and it was a bison."

"A glowing bison?" Carmina asks skeptically.

"Yeah. Like, a monster bison. It was all dark and scaly looking, except for the way its belly glowed. I thought about shooting it, but..."

Caroline laughs. "He got scared. Or it wasn't real, and he's making it all up."

"I wasn't scared, and I'm not making it up! It's not like it could've hurt me up in the nest. It... just didn't feel right. You know, it was just grazing with the rest of the herd. And it moved off over the hill before I could change my mind or call anybody up to confirm it."

"Sure, Jason."

"I'm serious," Jason insists, "I really saw it, okay? I told Jerome about it and everything." He frowns at the dirt. "He said it might've been mutated after the bombs. Then he told me not to go looking for it."

"He's right," Flower says. "Even regular bison are pretty dangerous." She smiles. "That's why I like deer — they won't hurt you. If you sit really still, sometimes they'll even come up and lick your face."

"Oh," Carmina says. "I usually just shoot them. They eat all our vegetables otherwise."

"Yeah," Flower sighs, "Sometimes I do, too. But they're also nice to watch."

Tom-or-Matt looks to his brother. "I wonder if that's what we see outside at night?"

"What, deer?"

"No, dumbass." He turns to the group and explains, "Sometimes, when it's real late and I gotta use the bathroom, I'll see something glowing out in the woods. Dad's cut back a lot of space so it never gets very close, but... maybe it's another mutated animal."

"At least you'll see it coming when it tries to attack you," Carmina suggests.

"Gee, thanks."

Carmina knows he's probably teasing, but she still feels guilty for being so blunt about it. The least she can do is try to reassure him. "Well... most animals don't attack near houses, I don't think. When we first came out of the bunker, there were wild dogs and wolves that would watch us, and my dad was real worried about them — but now they mostly stay away from the property. I think it's because of the fence. You guys have a fence, right?"

"Yeah, plus a butt-load of chickens that freak out over anything out of the ordinary." Matt-or-Tom grins at her and asks, "Don't they wake you up with every little thing?"

Carmina briefly considers mentioning John being attacked, then decides against it. She also doesn't want to tell them that the chickens live mostly indoors at night now — the last thing she wants to do is kick off a whole big thing about the cult on her dang birthday! It's already hard enough pretending to care about them around her parents; she's not sure she could even force herself to bother here. And if she's not careful, the kids in town might start to think about her and her family the same way all the adults do.

"They're pretty docile, actually," she says, "And we only really see deer around our place... It's not like they eat chickens."

"Well.... maybe there's a mutant deer out there that wants to eat you," Tom-or-Matt teases.

Carmina rolls her eyes. "I'll shoot it before it gets past the hangar," she replies.

Of course, her dismissive confidence leads to a sprawling discussion on who might be the best shot out of the group. Carmina does her best to defend her skills, considering she can't prove any of it right now, but all three teens insist they're dead-eyes, and even Bean says he's "getting pretty good at the aiming part." On top of that, the kids from the town have gotten pointers from Aunt Grace herself, which means they might actually be better shots than Carmina expects.

"Maybe we should have a competition," Caroline suggests. "I bet Pastor Jerome and Aunt Grace would be okay with it."

"Sure," Jason laughs, "But you know they'd make us spend forty minutes disassembling and cleaning our rifles before and after. Like I don't know what I'm doing — I'm almost fifteen!"

"Have you guys been to Aunt Grace's?" Carmina asks. "She has a shooting range there."

"Maybe she'd let us use it!"

"I've never been to a real shooting range," Bean says.

"It's not a real shooting range," Jason points out, "Those all got blown up. Do you even know how to use a gun, Bean?"

"I just said I do! My dad taught me! I... just don't like the loud noises it makes."

Matt-or-Tom boasts, "We learned to shoot in our bunker. Mom collected Airsoft guns — they don't use bullets, so they can't kill you."

"What's the point of that?"

"I dunno, I guess practicing underground?"

Tom-or-Matt laughs. "Dad was convinced the Peggies were gonna get us, so he wanted us to know how to shoot."

The quiet kid, Luke, finally speaks up. "Lucky," he mutters, "Easier to learn underground, I bet."

"What about you?" Carmina asks. She tries not to cringe away when he stares back at her like he didn't expect anyone to hear him. Maybe he doesn't like people talking to him? "Um... my mom and dad had a bunch of gun magazines in the bunker, but I never got to shoot a real gun until we came outside. Mom and Aunt Grace have been teaching me, though, and I'm way better than my dad is."

Luke hesitates. "Kind of the same. We came up early, though. Had to."

"Me, too," Jason replies. "It was just me and my brother. I was five when we got stuck in the bunker — we went through our supplies in about three years, so we had to come back up."

"We... only stayed down until I could walk," Luke admits. "It was still really cold when we came up. And mom got real sick for a while."

"Yikes," Bean says, "That sucks!"

"Come on, bean," Jason snaps, "You don't say that."

"You just said it to her!" Bean shouts, pointing at Carmina.

"He's... right," Luke mumbles. "It sucked. It... still sucks. But things are getting better now." He looks up at them, then drops his eyes back to the dirt. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Carmina insists, "I asked first!"

"That's kind of the mood today," Caroline adds. "Don't worry. We can talk about something else."

The change in topic comes abruptly as Bean points towards the Church and asks, "Who is that with Pastor Jerome?"

Carmina doesn't need to look, but since the rest of the group does, she might as well too. John has his hat pulled low over his eyes, as usual, which makes him look suspicious, as usual. Knowing him, he probably didn't even leave the truck — just waited there for Jerome to come talk to him.

She can only hope that Tom and Matt keep their mouths shut since they're the only other kids who know what John looks like nowadays. Unfortunately for her, that hope is pretty quickly dashed.

"Oh," Matt-or-Tom says, like a jerk, "That's John, I think. Right, Carmina?"

"Wait," Jason says, "You're that Carmina?"

Carmina ducks her head. "Um... it depends, I guess?"

Flower, looking too sympathetic for Carmina's liking, tries to mediate. "He just means, well... Jerome talks about you sometimes."

"And he talks about that guy," Jason adds, pointing without any subtlety at all.

"Everyone talks about that guy," Caroline says with a sigh. She gives Carmina a sympathetic shrug as she does, as though she wishes she could stop the conversation from happening, too. That only makes Carmina worried that this isn't the first time the teenagers have sat around gossiping about John and the crazy people who decided to take him in.

"Wait," Bean gasps, way too loudly, "That's John Seed?"

"Oh my God," Matt-or-Tom sighs, "You gotta keep up with the conversation."

"Wait, what's he doing here? Why's he going into the church? I thought he wasn't supposed to come to town? I thought he was locked up!"

Carmina groans. "It's my birthday," she whines, "I don't wanna talk about John today!"

"We don't have to," Caroline says. "Guys, come on."

"I mean, he did kill a lot of people. Isn't he, like, a psychopath? Isn't it weird to live with a murderer?"

"Jason!"

Luke mutters, "I heard he used to cut off people's skin."

"That's true," Jason replies, "My brother has a huge scar from when it happened to him. Boy, I hope he doesn't see that jackass is here..."

Matt-or-Tom finally seems to realize what he's started, frowning as the conversation spirals crazily out of control. It's too late to stop it, though, and so he shuffles his feet and looks apologetically towards Carmina.

Fine. If she can't get around the subject, she's just going to have to tackle it head-on. Even if that sounds really scary. She doesn't think that these guys are going to flip out like the caravan last year did, but she's still a little worried that she might be in for a fight if she says the wrong thing about John.

"I know John used to be a bad guy," she says. "Like, really bad. My dad's got one of those scars, too. But he's not like that any more. All he does nowadays is help my parents with chores and stuff. And he's just like everybody else — he doesn't talk about what happened before the Collapse to me or anybody. So I really don't know anything more than you guys.

She probably knows less than them, honestly, but she's not about to say so and get a brutal lesson in everything John's ever done wrong.

"So he's just... different, now?" Jason asks, frowning unhappily at the church.

"I guess so," Carmina replies with a shrug. She looks over to make sure that John and Jerome are inside, just in case. "He's not... scary, or mean, or anything like that. Just quiet. Kind of... lonely, I guess. Ever since he found out his brother is alive but still crazy, he's been really beat up about it." He's also been literally beaten up over it, but now's not the time to try and make the others feel sorry for him. John would probably be irritated at the idea of a bunch of kids pitying him.

Matt-or-Tom is quick to help her out, which is nice. "She's right," he says. "The Father is still out there in the woods with all those crazies, but John's repented. Dad said he made amends with God, whatever that means. He... uh, still doesn't like us being around him, but when we helped him load the chickens in he seemed okay. Just real quiet."

"That's John, alright," Carmina sighs.

Bean looks seriously disappointed by the news. "You mean he doesn't talk about it at all?" he asks.

"No," Carmina says, snapping for good measure, "And he gets really upset when you ask about it, so don't."

"I'm not gonna go talk to him!" Bean gasps.

The idea that a kid might be scared of John is pretty funny, considering how uncomfortable he is around her, but Carmina's not about to say as much. John probably wouldn't like her sharing a weakness like that with a bunch of strangers, and she wouldn't want them using it against him later.

Flower slowly lifts her hand, looking embarrassed. "Some of the adults in town say the Bliss messed him up. Is that... true?"

Well, at least she's trying to be nice about it. "I dunno," Carmina admits. "He was super weird when he first started living with us, but that might've just been because he was stuck in his bunker for so long."

"Oh, that happened to a guy my dad knows!" Bean supplies helpfully. "Dad calls it bunker shock. Says living underground too long is bad for you when you're all alone!"

"Glad I didn't live in one long enough for that," Luke says. When everyone looks at him, he clams up for a second before continuing on. "A neighbor came up just this year. He's... real weird. I don't like him much. He still sleeps underground, hoping he'll wake up and it'll all be a dream." He scuffs his boot against the dirt, sniffing loudly. "That's what my mom says, anyway. I try not to be around when he comes by."

"He wouldn't be the first adult to be like that," Jason says. He gives the church one last look before nodding his head towards the party. "I mean, that's why we're all the way out here, instead of hanging out around the food. Right?"

"No," Bean replies, "I'm out here 'cos I can't eat another bite! I didn't know you could be this full."

Caroline laughs. "Yeah, the adults have been stockpiling for weeks, it looks like... I guess everyone was really looking forward to it — or, well, I guess that's what it is."

Flower gazes over at the gaggle of adults. Carmina recognizes her dreamy smile from the way her mom looks around the house sometimes, like she's getting a new, better look at the place.

"It feels like things are starting to look up," she says. "Maybe they can all be happier now."

"Hey, don't jinx it!" Tom-or-Matt laughs.

Bean looks around at the rest of them and for a second, Carmina is worried he's going to ask more about John and restart the whole ugly conversation. Thankfully, it looks like he's still a baby, so he's quickly distracted.

"So, what do we do now?" he asks, pushing his too-big glasses up his nose.

Carmina has never actually played with other kids before, so she doesn't have any good suggestions — especially when shooting is off-limits. Thankfully, she isn't the only one. The teenagers don't know where their soccer ball went, and Luke says he doesn't even know what soccer is. Bean says he usually plays word games by himself. When Tom-or-Matt suggests they play something called "capture the flag," it manages to make its way to the top of the list just because Jason and Caroline have both heard of it before.

Well, at least something is better than nothing. The older kids explain how capture the flag works, using Jason's shirt for their team's flag while the other kids band together around Matt-or-Tom's sweaty tank top. Carmina imagines that one of them should sit out for even teams, but the older kids seem confident that they can handle it. Too confident, in Carmina's opinion — maybe they need to be brought down a peg.

Capture the flag turns out to be more fun than Carmina had expected — and a lot harder, too. Trying to outmaneuver the older kids is tough work, but she and Tom-or-Matt figure out how to flank them pretty quick. There's nothing better than the moment when Carmina manages to dive out of the way when Jason tries to tackle her, and even if she gets dog-piled by Flower halfway back to Bean at home base, she holds Jason's shirt up for another teammate to take.

Unfortunately, the game ends without a winner as a sharp whistle pierces the air. Bean looks up and shouts, "That's my dad! I better go!"

He runs off at full tilt without so much as a goodbye, and Carmina has to squint against the setting sun to watch him go. She hadn't realized how late it had gotten.

"I should probably get going, too," Luke says, sweaty and almost smiling for once. "I want to get another plate of food before we go home."

"Ugh," Carmina sighs, "And the chickens need feeding."

"Just make John do it," Matt-or-Tom says, apparently not learning his lesson about mentioning John.

"It's supposed to be my job," she says. "And anyway, he already feeds them in the morning when I don't get up in time."

"They're gonna like him more than you," Tom-or-Matt laughs.

Jason frowns. "He feeds your chickens?"

"I mean... yeah. He does whatever we need him to." Carmina shrugs, glancing back towards the church. She hasn't seen Jerome or John leave — maybe she should go see them before she rounds up her parents? Nah, it's better to leave them alone until the very last minute.

"Just... didn't think you'd let him near livestock, that's all."

"What's he gonna do, poison the eggs?" Carmina huffs. "He's good with them. I think he likes them 'cos they aren't judgey."

Caroline frowns, which tells Carmina she might've been a little rude. But Jason's been rude about John all day, so she's not going to feel sorry about it!

"Well, I guess if your parents trust him..."

"Sure they do," Carmina replies, even if that's not... exactly right. She knows her parents trust John enough to help around the house, but she thinks they only want to trust him with all the other stuff.

"I really better go," she says, pointing towards town.

"Sure," Flower says. "It was nice to meet you, Carmina."

Carmina gives them her best grin, relieved when it's returned from the others. Jason even waves like there's no hard feelings. "It was nice meeting you guys," she says.

"Happy birthday again!" Matt-or-Tom says, "And be careful!"

"Yeah," his brother laughs, "Wouldn't want to have a glowing deer attack you in the outhouse tonight!"

Carmina laughs away the dumb attempt to scare her, waving goodbye before turning to head for the party. Halfway there, she glances over her shoulder and sees the group turned back to one-another in conversation. None of them are looking back, but as she continues on, she's chased by an unfamiliar sense of discomfort. She can't help but wonder if they're still talking about John in the church.... If they're talking about her.

At least she can distract herself while looking for her parents. There are plenty of adults who say hello; some of them even point her helpfully towards her mom's last known location, or towards the table with the cookies her dad really liked. Some of them check in to make sure her birthday has been going well, too, which is nice of them, but a lot of adults are pretty drunk and deep in their own conversations.

She eventually finds her mom and dad standing around a grill with Marjorie, one of the adults in charge around town. Carmina's met her a couple of times. She's nice, but she can talk a lot. There's no telling how long they've been talking for, and if Carmina doesn't interrupt, who knows when they'll finish. While she could probably grab some food for the road, first she has to make sure that they're actually going to be leaving sometime before the next Collapse.

Besides, it looks like her dad's already got a box of leftovers in his hands. If Carmina wants to eat, she's going to have to interrupt.

"Hey dad," she says as she comes up to them, "The chickens are going to need dinner soon."

Her dad grins at her before handing over the squat, open cardboard box. There's chicken, ribs, corn and roasted potatoes, and even a handful of cookies and flatbread; it takes everything in Carmina's power not to make a desperate grab for more food. She doesn't have to worry about going hungry tonight, so there's no need to eat everything put in front of her.

"Here," he tells her, "You take this, alright? My arms are gettin' tired."

Yeah, right. As soon as she takes the box, he uses one of those tired arms to grab one of the ribs. When Carmina frowns suspiciously at him, her dad only shrugs.

"I coughed on it."

"Uh-huh..."

Laughing, her mom reaches out to give Marjorie a hug. It might've run a little long, but her mom obviously enjoyed the talk. "We'll be back in a week or two with the tractor parts," she says. "You're going to get the fields back in shape in no time."

"Already got a good start," Marjorie replies. She shoots Carmina a warm smile. "Happy birthday, by the way! Don't think I got to see you much. Hope those kids weren't giving you a hard time."

"No," Carmina replies., "They're all really nice. We want to practice shooting together, maybe have a contest. Jason said he's better than anybody else."

"I bet you're gonna give him a run for his money!" Marjorie laughs. "Well, the better a shot you are, the better off you'll be. You won't see anybody here stop you kids."

"Yeah, but tonight, I have to feed the chickens," Carmina says, just in case her parents need another chance to get out of here.

"We've got a few other people to say goodbye to," her mom tells her. "Why don't you take the food back to the truck? We'll meet you there."

"Should I get John, too?"

As soon as she asks, Carmina decides she probably shouldn't have brought it up. Too late, though; by the look on Marjorie's face, there's no way to pretend she didn't hear it.

Her dad shrugs. "Probably oughta," he tells her, as if he doesn't see Marjorie staring at them like she is.

Marjorie definitely doesn't like that, judging by the way she squints, but she doesn't say anything about it. "Well, I hope you had a decent enough birthday for once," she says, "Hopefully we'll be having a party around this time every year from now on."

"That would be nice," mom says.

"Just you wait, we're gonna turn this ship around one way or another." Marjorie gestures with her hands and says, "Alright, you better go, before those chickens of yours eat each other."

Carmina frowns. "They don't do that, do they?"

"Uh, let's get moving," her dad says. "See you soon, Marg."

"Take care!"

Her mom and dad have to stop a few more times to say goodbye to people Carmina doesn't know, but she pushes on without them and nobody stops her for more than a quick birthday greeting. She catches sight of Luke packing up some food with his parents, but he's too distracted to notice her. At least she isn't the only one carrying a box of leftovers out of here; it would feel selfish of her if they weren't sending leftovers home with other people.

Her parents haven't caught up with her by the time she reaches the truck, and John is nowhere to be seen. She figures he's probably still in the church — he and Pastor Jerome always take forever when they're talking. They'll probably be there until dad goes in and breaks them up.

Eating by herself in the back of the truck doesn't feel right, especially not within walking distance of the church. Leaving the food tucked in the corner by the cab, Carmina heads for the building herself. Even if nobody was in there, she'd probably go wander inside for a few minutes; it's a comforting, quiet place in the dry, dusty town. But right now, she's pretty sure John is hanging around inside, and he probably hasn't eaten anything all day, either. She should at least let him have first pick.

She knows a lot of the adults dislike the church, but Carmina personally enjoys how its sun-bleached siding stands out against the sky. Besides the house, the church is one of the few places Carmina wishes she could have seen in one piece. She's seen old, faded pictures from ancient newspaper clippings, but it's just not the same.

The doors are open wide enough for Carmina to slip in without a sound. The air inside is cool, almost chilly, and it smells like dirt and grass. From the entrance, there's only a narrow gap keeping Jerome and John out of sight. She doesn't mean to hide, but she doesn't want to interrupt Jerome mid-sentence...

It's too late, she's eavesdropping.

"It might not be much, but it's something," Jerome's saying. "He even stayed a few nights, when the wind got bad and brought too much pollen over the river."

"It would be better for everyone if he stayed here permanently," John replies. "Wallace went further down the path than the rest of them, and they clearly don't know what they're doing."

"They're trying, John. And we don't have a say in the matter. It's got to be his choice. Remember?"

John grunts, clearly annoyed. Carmina doesn't think she's ever heard him say so much before. Does he talk to her mom and dad this much? Is he really only quiet around her?

"I don't like it," John says.

"For what it's worth, neither do I. But Sharky's taking things seriously — they all are. You're going to have to trust them."

"Trust isn't exactly one of my virtues," John grumpily admits.

Jerome chuckles. "You just need practice."

Well, Carmina definitely feels guilty now. She had only been waiting for an opening, but if she waits any longer, she's really going to be breaking John's trust. Pastor Jerome's, too, for that matter.

Thinking on her toes, Carmina pushes on the already open door as though she's just showing up. Of course, the hinges squeal in protest as soon as she does, so she stops before she breaks something.

"Are you guys still in here?" she calls. She's pretty convincing about it, in her opinion.

"Yes, Carmina," Jerome responds, apparently none-the-wiser, "We're here."

John regards her neutrally as she steps into view, but he's always wearing his poker face around her. She needs to get better at reading it.

"I guess it's time to go, then," he says.

"Yeah. Um — I mean, I can meet you back at the truck. Mom and dad will be here soon..."

Jerome speaks up before John can get the chance. "No, you two go on. I think we were just about done ourselves, and I'd like to sit here for a little while, before it gets too dark." He and John shake hands, and then he comes over to give Carmina a hug. "Happy birthday," he tells her. "You be good for another year, alright?"

"I'll try," she says.

"That'a girl," Jerome laughs. "Keep an eye on her, John."

Sometimes, it seems like Jerome is the only adult in Hope County that doesn't think John is a bad influence on her. Even her mom and dad, who are basically the only people on John's side, get uncomfortable if she tries to talk to him too much. But Jerome is a special case. He used to be weird about anything John-related, but nowadays? Honestly, Carmina's pretty sure he's John's only friend at this point — well, okay, other than mom and dad, but they don't count.

John waits until they've left the church to speak. He's chilly and dismissive, as usual.

"How long were you listening for?"

"I wasn't," Carmina begins — but she can't lie to him. Lying only ever makes things worse. So she corrects herself reluctantly and admits, "It was only a minute. I didn't mean to... it just sort of happened."

"Hm."

Normally, Carmina can't get a read on John's poker face, but... huh. She can't help but feel like she might've... hurt his feelings? She definitely wasn't being trustworthy, that's for sure. And now he's trying to casually out-pace her on the walk back to the truck.

"I'm sorry for eavesdropping," she says, picking up her pace to match his. "I promise, I won't do it again."

John glares at her, but she's pretty sure he's not angry. Maybe just confused? She's not sure, he's never looked at her longer than two seconds before.

"I... appreciate it," he replies instead, which makes it the first time he's ever accepted an apology of hers. Usually, he just tells her not to worry about it.

Carmina grins at him, but he's already looked away, so of course he doesn't see it. Instead, he looks to the field, where the three teens from town are still hanging out. Carmina can't tell if they're looking this way or not. She sure hopes they aren't; John would know immediately that they gossiped about him, and she's already messed up with him once today.

"Have you ever played capture the flag?" she asks, hoping to distract him. "The chicken brothers taught us the rules but I think they maybe made some of it up."

John cracks a small smile. Well, Carmina will pretend it's one, anyway.

"The chicken brothers," he repeats.

"You know, Tommy and Matt."

"Do they know that's what you call them?"

"I mean, I've never said it to their faces..."

"That's probably smart."

They reach the truck, which marks the invisible barrier that keeps John out of town. Of course, mom and dad still aren't here. If Carmina climbed up on top of the truck, she might be able to spot them, but it's not like she could get their attention from this far away. So, she's going to have to kill time until they get back.

"Did you eat?" she asks, climbing up into the truck bed.

"I'm fine, Carmina," John replies, a little wearily. Like she's not the first person to bug him about it today — or, maybe like he lacks energy from not eating all day.

She rolls her eyes, but John doesn't see. "Uh-huh." She sits down, pulling the box of food into her lap as she leans back against the cab. "Dad was surprised that there were cookies. Um, not exactly the same, I guess? But still really good." She's not going to give him a chance to turn it down, grabbing one and shoving it in his direction. "Here, try one!"

John, leaning against the side of the truck like he is, is clearly more interested in looking for her parents than humoring her. He definitely looks like he wants to say no. But to her surprise, he actually takes the offered food. It would be weird to stare at him while he eats, so she goes back to debating between a chicken leg or one of the last ribs in the box.

"Not bad," John comments, which is like, crazy, because Carmina definitely isn't goading him into talking.

"They're kind of crumbly," Carmina says, "I dunno if that's what it's supposed to be like. But all the food is really good." She counts the chicken legs out again, just to make sure there's one for each of them. "Um... hey, John? Uh... do chickens eat each other?"

John frowns, chewing the question over with the rest of the cookie. He swallows, then says, "Most animals cannibalize their own if they're desperate enough."

"Oh."

"They would need to be left alone for a lot longer than a few hours," he points out. "Or they would have to be sick. It's more likely a dog will get them before they turn on each other."

Well, at least Carmina can trust John to tell her the truth, even if it's probably not the way her parents would want him to do it. She doesn't even mind him being so blunt about it, either; she's just surprised he's willing to talk to her. She can't help but wonder if this is going to be a normal thing, now that she's ten — is he going to stop being so weird around her? Or is this just a special treat, because of the day? She sure hopes not. It'd be a lot less awkward if John didn't act so scared of her all the time.

Her parents finally join them at the truck. Her mom wrinkles her nose at Carmina sitting in the back again, but she doesn't say anything. Her dad doesn't seem to mind; once he spots the box in Carmina's lap, he reaches over to grab one of the shortbread cookies for himself.

"Sorry about that," he says, "We got held up a couple times. John, you try one of these yet?"

"I did."

"Crazy having home-baked goods again, right?" Her dad waggles the cookie in John's face; John rolls his eyes and circles back around to the tailgate, climbing up into the bed. "Here, Carmina, give me that box so the food doesn't get too cold on the way home."

"You're just gonna eat everything," Carmina objects, handing over the box anyway.

"Nah, come on. Here, you guys grab something for the ride home." He nudges Carmina's shoulder with the box. "You probably worked up an appetite bullying all the older kids out there — and I bet you didn't eat much of anything, either," he adds in John's direction.

"I had a cookie, didn't I?"

"Yeah, I'll bet nobody forced you into it, either."

Carmina grins as her dad winks at her. Her mom rolls her eyes, but doesn't keep dad from bullying John a little. "Grab something so we can get going," she tells John, "And make sure she doesn't stand up once we're in drive."

John reluctantly takes a towel-wrapped ear of corn and a single rib, while Carmina goes right for that piece of chicken she'd been eying from the start. That helps her make peace with sitting safely, at least this one time. Next year, she's definitely going to get to ride in back by herself, she can feel it, and she is going to do it standing up!

As Carmina watches the town shrink behind them, she congratulates herself on another successful birthday. It'd been better than she'd expected — she was a little uncomfortable around so many people at first, but now she's pretty sure she can say she's made some friends? And seeing the town full of food and laughter and music... It had been sort of what Carmina imagines Fall's End used to be like. Her parents probably wouldn't agree, but maybe that's okay. Maybe when she's older, she can try and prove to them that things can be just as good as they used to be — even if it's a different kind of good.

#far cry 5 #fc5 #fcnd #new dawn #john seed #nick rye #kim rye #carmina rye #far cry fanfic #my fic

7 notes · View notes

confusedhost-archive · 4 years ago

Text

Coffeeshop Au

She-Ra coffeeshop au because I said so:

Everyone works at one of two shops: Hoard or Princess Alliance

At the very beginning, it shows Adora, a normal human, and her friend Catra (everyone looks the same, has the same powers) in the breakroom chatting, and then they switch shifts with Kyle, Rogilio and whatever her name is- I can’t remember-

Yay! You get to meet Shadow Weaver, who is being very rude to the girls because her coffee was too hot (and also because Catra made it and no one is allowed to make her coffee except Adora)

Adora ends up missing a day and gets fired, which is immediately met with distaste from Shadow Weaver

Adora gets a new job at The Princess Alliance

Quickly becomes friends with Glimmer and Bow, but Glimmer’s mom, the owner of the cute shop, is less happy with her, as she looks like a gangster

Catra has mixed feelings about Adora not being at work, as she is now able to get promoted to manager beside Scorpia, but also she doesn’t see Adora like, ever, anymore

Adora’s aunt, Mara, died recently, and LightHope, Mara’s wife, came over to give Adora a charm with the words She-Ra carved in the side.

Adora promises to visit the farm and see LightHope soon

With the knowledge that she has a bit of her mother figure still with her, Adora throws herself into baking, creating her newest pastry: She-Ra

Was named after the charm!

It is the best thing anyone has ever tasted. They sell out quick, and become Adora’s special (All the princess’ have specials, they’re at the bottom of the post)

Aight, so Entrapta misses a couple days, didn’t call in sick, and was fired

Immediately picked up by Hoard and now has a new job! Stuck with Catra and Scorpia until Catra got promoted

Afterwards she met Hordak, and they started talking

and then they started flirting in their cute roundabout way

Hordak had to leave for a few days because Imp needed to go to the hospital, he left Catra in charge (She’s manager anyway, but now she had free reign)

With Double Trouble’s help, Catra made a fake resigning form for Entrapta while firing her

While this is going on, everyone gets word about Prime Restaurant chain wanting to set up in the area. Hordak would like to sell his shop for them, but first he needs to get another place to set up (He only decides this after he comes back, and he needs something to do after learning that someone he thought he had a connection with just left)

Entrapta hasn’t really let it sink in that she’s unemployed. Goes to get a coffee from a starbucks nearby, name and coffee get mixed up with someone named Micah. (Think when she stole his bug)

Start talking, then bow and Adora just speed walk into the shop like, “Hey Entrapta, would you like to be hired for Princess Alliance again?”

(Bow is also kinda like “Hey wtf, is that you, Micah?” And Micah’s like, “Hey, Bow, is that you?”)

And Entrapta’s like, “Hired? Oh, uh sorry, I have to- oh.” and its suddenly sinking in that she doesn’t work at Hoard anymore and (excuse me if this isn’t what would actually happen but it happened not to long ago so I’m just giving it to Entrapta rn) she is kinda just moving around and kinda just trying to get away from anything touching her because it all just feels horrible against her skin and shiz

and she just kinda goes “Yes, I’d like to be hired, but please leave me alone right now, I’d like to not be touched,” and so Bow and Adora kind of hesitantly go away and Micah stays walking her through her (I don’t know what this is. Touch aversion? A mild panic attack? A depressive episode?)

Anyway, cut away, and now we see Adora and Bow sitting on the roof of the cafe. Talking, thinking about life, doing a bit of college homework. Adora is playing with her charm, and then she drops it and it shatters. Obviously, she’s freaking out, that’s the only thing she has of Mara and it means so freaking much to her

Bow is trying to help and is gathering up the shards, and finds a little piece of paper among it all. Adora reads it and completely breaks down crying. No one knows what it says but her (which is to say I don’t know what it says)

Takes a break for a couple days, going to LightHope, her aunt, and

(In this time, Entrapta has reluctantly gone back to work, Micah has procrastinated around seeing his ex-wife and daughter, Angela has packed up for a plane trip, Hordak is having trouble finding another place to set up shop, and Prime restaurant chain is moving in)

Adora comes back with a new fire and an upgrade to her She-ra pastry, tastes even better now

Micah finally got the courage to go see his family, only to find out that Angela had just left for a trip that morning. (They get the news that the plane had an accident and Angela didn’t survive later in the evening)

Afterwards, Glimmer moves out of the cafe, finding it to be too empty. This leaves the top floor of the cafe completely open. She’s living with Bow and Adora now!

Scorpia, a panicking second manager of Hoard cafe, is juggling running the cafe, keeping Catra in check and finding a new place

Double Trouble, as is their job for the owner, finally fills out their form on what had happened while Hordak was away. He finally learns that Entrapta didn’t leave him.

Scorpia goes to the Princess Alliance and tells them that she heard their top floor was open. She’s desperate

It takes a few times to get them to agree, but the Princess Alliance realize that there’s no point in fighting like this. After a few more hours of haggling with the cost, Scorpia turns to leave

She comes back after a couple seconds. “Um, actually, is Entrapta here?”

Scorpia and Entrapta come back into Hoard cafe, chatting. Hordak walks out of the back, holding Imp. Entrapta looks over and sees him. She just jumps him, helping both of them stay up and holding Imp with her hair.

“Did you hear the news?” She laughs

Scorpia jumps in, telling Hordak how they found a place for the shop to go; right above the Princess Alliance. Entrapta is really helping Scorpia sell it, but Catra is getting upset.

“No! We’re enemies or whatever, right? We shouldn’t be sharing space with them!”

Hordak has already given his okay. “I’m sure we’ll be able to become closer, Catra, it should be alright.”

Catra is extremely reluctant about all of this, but while they’re setting up in the top area, she’s beginning to rekindle her friendship with Adora. (And also maybe feeling like at some point her feelings had stopped being just platonic. She has no clue when this happened.)

Scorpia is doing pretty well with taking boxes of stuff up, and after a while they figure out that the dark aesthetic won’t be working well side by side with the pastel fluff that is the Princess Alliance. So Scorpia says they change it up a bit. So she goes downstairs and, “Is anyone free right now?”

It’s Perfuma that looks over. “Oh! Yes, I am!”

Scorpia gives a little smile. “Great! We need some design help and we were wondering..”

With a happy gasp, Perfuma hangs up her apron and walks upstairs. Perfuma is made for this. After being told that they’d like to keep the general dark aesthetic, she says that giving it that certain quiet feel, very unlike the loud chatter that comes from downstairs, students will likely want to come by to study

It’s a hit. A few plants with calming aromas, gifted by Perfuma herself, and some teas that help with stress made by Scorpia, students are running in. It’s generally very quiet here, and it’s really helping the stress that the employees go under too!

Scorpia and Perfuma may or may not have gotten closer in a romantic sense because of this-

Catra and Adora are also getting closer, friends first, then girlfriends. It’s quite the trip for everyone else in the shop.

Entrapta and Hordak are basically just parents to Imp now, and Imp’s only job at this point is to make fun of Hordak for having a crush. It is a romantic relationship, yes

At some point the the Hoard and Princess Alliance become one place with two names. Menu is the same on both floors and anyone can be a waiter at whichever floor they like.

Just a few things that exist but aren’t really plot relevant:

Hordak has anger issues and trouble understanding his feelings

Hordak has weak bones in his arms specifically

Imp is Hordak’s nephew who he ended up adopting after Imp’s parents died

Hordak and Entrapta both like working with robotics

Entrapta is making a project to support Hordak’s weak arms in order to help him do things. Talking with his doctor to figure out what’s safe and such

Frosta is Glimmer’s cousin who has been given the okay to volunteer at the cafe. She comes and goes as she pleases and whether or not you get a Frosta special depends on whether she’s in or not

Time for the specials!

Entrapta’s: Donut holes. Her special is a pack of donut holes that are literally the best you’ve ever tasted. Your pack has one of each flavor and they are made with such care- just- No special drink for her though

Perfuma: Mango hibiscus clementine cold tea. I have had it before. It tastes really freaking good. She always grows a little flower for you to eat and puts it on top. The texture of the flower is nice, and the petals are sweet. The food portion is a fruit salad with flower petals sprinkled on top!

Frosta: Icecream sunday! And slushie! No one knows what exactly goes into the flavoring on top, but it tastes really good and Frosta promises it’s safe for all allergies she knows of. Makes sure to ask about any allergies though, just in case!

Mermista: It’s a small cake. Has this general water/beach vibe! Drink changes from day to day. Always an iced coffee though!

Glimmer: Cupcakes!! The inside of the cupcake has a small portion of sprinkles. Very sweet, too sweet for some. Pastel smoothie too! Family recipe, shared between Angela and Glimmer. Has sprinkles littered on top of a nice helping of whipped cream! Very glittery

Angela: Called the heart of Etheria. Not one single person knows what it’s classified as, and only Glimmer and Angela know how to make it. It’s heavenly

No more specials (Scorpia doesn’t work at Princess Alliance)

Micah and Angela had a divorce when Glimmer was young. It wasn’t because they disliked each other or anything, just, Micah learned that he was aromantic and felt a little bit uncomfortable with the marriage. They broke it off as friends and lived under the same house- like, it was all exactly the same, except they didn’t have the title of husband and wife

Then Micah had to go away because he found a job somewhere else and they ended up loosing contact

Swiftwind lives on the farm with LightHope

Catra and Adora are childhood friends who had the same Preschool teacher: Shadow Weaver

Angela lives on the second floor of the cafe with Glimmer

Entrapta has a roomba and she’s taken to it the way tumblr has

Entrapta has a tiny Emily that she made with Hordak’s help at a robotics workshop

Adora lived with Catra and moved to share an apartment with Bow afterwards

Shadow Weaver may or may not have died shoving Catra and Adora out of the way of a car that was driving on the sidewalk

There are fricking huge windows looking out on the street for both floors and on the other side of the street is a grassy park, so it’s really nice.

#death tw #shera #car accident

6 notes · View notes

minghoy · 6 years ago

Text

Biggest Loser

The office did a 'Biggest Loser' contest the first quarter of 2019, right after Christmas. I caught the tail end of it this month when I re-joined the workforce, people walking around talking loud about how they've lost a kilogram or horrified mumbling about how they've gained a pound—a whole pound!—and today they announced the winners, two teams that collectively lost 9.78% and 7.23% of "body percentage." I think they mean body fat percentage, though I can't be sure. Maybe someone lost a limb. A kidney. Their appendix. Something they won't miss very much but is worth less than the cash the 'Piggy Wiggy Team' won for second place.

That's what they called themselves, The Piggy Wiggy Team. As if joining an office Biggest Loser contest wasn't humiliating enough. Anyone who's over an 18 BMI I've noticed likes to make other people very aware that they're aware they're a little goopier around the waist than they should be. I do it, too. A lot. As if we get points for self-awareness. I think there's this fear of not being in on the joke, and if you're laughing at yourself the same time as everyone else is, then maybe you're less of a punchline. You've got comedic ownership. You know, like, "I meant to do that." I meant to eat all that food. I meant to get this fat.

Anyway, an office Biggest Loser, as if offices aren't toxic enough cesspools in which eating disorders breed like petri dish viruses. Ditto schools. Ditto everywhere else. This is just the world we live in. The setting. Now the plot, the characters: the office Biggest Loser, and the woman I heard purging in the bathroom stall today, a woman on team Piggy Wiggy—beautiful, stylish, overall pretty classy and bougie, well-to-do, and apparently from an old-rich family, one of the five families that were here when this city mushroomed out of the sea.

She's in her mid-thirties. Let's call her Miss L. Miss L's one of the women the younger girls call "titas"—a group of women who torture themselves with keto diets and trendy fasts, who do yoga every other day and have motivational quotes in their cubicles, loud laughs, big hair. They love themselves. They want you to know they love themselves as they gorge on cake, pizza, garlic bread on birthday-month team feeds, and then always have cake in their cubicles for some reason, and they grab at anything that gets passed around the office, free or otherwise, with a hunger that I recognize in myself. So of course it's gross to me. It's horrific. It's like staring at your reflection at the bottom of a deep, dark well.

Our office has this quasi-open workspace thing going on: one wide floor but cubicles and wall-to-wall depression-blue carpet, blank white walls that reflect the depression-blue, and six windows that are never open. Sometimes it gets so loud I can't hear myself think. Even if I put headphones and brown noise on, I can still sense the conversations and the whine of workday stress going on around me, which is like tinnitus but with words. That's when I take my book and sit on the toilet for a while. It's quiet in there, and the people who clean it do a very good job of it, and there's even a nice green plant so it's this oasis of quiet in the middle of the workday if I can't get away from work for more than five minutes. (I get why people have beautiful bathrooms in their homes now. One day I'm going to have a beautiful bathroom with white tiles, a window, and a writing desk.)

I heard Miss L walk in, and then the gagging started, then that chunky, gloopy splash of solid food that's become so familiar and dear to me it sends a frisson of recognition through my spine so strong it makes me want to hurl, too. Except I haven't done that in a month. (There's a sign on my forehead: It's been 27 days since our last episode. This soon changes to 0 days, barely two weeks later, after I ill-advisedly weigh myself on a Friday night while I'm PMS-ing.)

I sit and listen to her purge. I listen to her purge. This woman is purging. I have this really vivid daydream about about kicking the door in and holding her head in the toilet to teach her a tough-love lesson about self-love. I imagine that I'm not sitting here and really I'm the one purging and someone else is listening to me purge. Listening to her purge is making me dissociate, and I can't sit here anymore so I flush the toilet to announce that someone else is there and get up to wash my hands. I wash my hands. She's sitting in there, trying to be quiet. She shuffles her feet.

How many times have I been this woman? I spent a lot of time getting acquainted with the toilets at the last office I worked in. This was at the height of my bulimia, when I was bingeing and purging two, maybe three times a day at work. McDonald's, corner store bread, cookies and milk, the latter so much that I developed a sensitivity to dairy and caffeine, which sucks because I love dairy and caffeine. My cheeks were always swollen. My eyes were always red. I was always in a shit mood. I didn't think anybody noticed, but of course they did, and when I finally told K, an ex-coworker, about what was then my bulimia, she said she guessed that I was doing something like that in there, and that she wasn't sure what to do—if she should talk to me about it or not.

(You can bet she talked about it with other people, though.)

Like most people beset by eating disorders, my complicated relationship with food started when I was very young. My grandmother and my great aunt expressed their love with food, and food shut me up when I was throwing tantrums and being a generally shitty, angry little kid and when I was a shitty, angry teenager. It shuts me up as a shitty, angry young adult, except these days I'm starting to understand that I'm probably trying to fill up a different kind of void. Not that knowing why you do something makes it easier not to do it.

My partner, who in my eyes is the most understanding and intelligent person in the world, doesn't get why people do things that upset them. I wish I had an satisfying answer for why binge eaters binge eat, or why anorexics can't just eat a burger and be okay with it, or why drug addicts keep doing drugs even after they've ruined their lives and alienated themselves from their entire families because of them.

If it were that simple, the economy would crumble. Self-help magnates and motivational speakers would be out of jobs. The diet industry would vanish into thin (ha) air. Every marketer in the world would starve.

The ugly truth is that like most people, and like Miss L, I'm probably always going to be dieting, always going to be trying to lose weight, always going to be unhappy with the way I look, am, feel, etc., and even if I were to recover from my eating disorder I know there'd be times where the angry baby brain-monster tantrums in its cage and kicks up such a fuss it's easier to just give it what it wants rather than to sit there and endure the noise.

I don't know why there are so many of us like this, why we're so dissatisfied with ourselves.

If I were to find a purpose, if I were to find something else to obsess over, something that I cared about more than what I looked like, would I be able to forget about my obsession with food and the way I look? If Miss L, who's a mother and a career woman and in all other aspects successful still hasn't gotten over this obsession with food and looks, do I even stand a chance? Do any of us?

If this were a story I could give it some kind of resolution, or some kind of confrontation that has all the twanging of hope. Miss L and I could lock eyes on our way out of the bathroom stalls, exchanging looks that said, 'I see you. I understand. You're not alone.' In the real world we don't talk to each other unless we need to, and we hardly ever need to, and when I walk past her cubicle I try not to make eye contact because I'm afraid she might see that I know what she's doing when she ducks for another mouthful of the slice of carrot cake she keeps on top of her computer tower. I try not to listen to her talk to the other titas about "gaining all the weight back," and I don't say a word to her unless I need to. I don't make eye contact. I'm afraid she'll see the hunger in me, too.

#eating disorders #weight loss #weight loss competition #office biggest loser #biggest loser #diet culture

4 notes · View notes

xcanadianxredheadx · 6 years ago

Text

Massive Update: June 13-July 9th 2018

Jun 13, 2018, 4:32:53 AM So on June 12th I turned 31.

The following story was an event that made my day absolutely terrible and made me emotionally unstable and unable to leave the house, so it made for a very shitty birthday due to what happened.

Around Midnight, just as the 12th hit, my dad revealed to me (over Facebook Messenger..) that my stepmom has cancer that has spread to her lungs but from where they do not know. His exact words were : "Oh and bad time to tell you this but [stepmom's name] has cancer, we just found out today."

I started crying when I read this, and he continued to tell me that they need to find out where it is so it can be treated and that she has appointments all week, along with my nephew not knowing about it. I shut my phone off after this and fully broke down to the point where I was still crying as I fell asleep.

Fast forward to 11:22am :

After hearing the news that my stepmom had cancer, my mood went straight to hell, and I messaged my dad over Facebook Messenger. Following are the texts that were exchanged:

Me: Not really wanting to do anything for my birthday today. There's nothing I can think of that I want to do so I'm just going to stay at home today and relax.

Dad: you don't want to come down for pizza or anything?

Me: You guys could always come up here. I don't really have the mental energy to leave the house today.

Dad: if want want to sit at home and stew in your shit what ever we have to babysit some kids later Happy BIRTHDAY

Me: ....that was not nice, dad

Dad: Well what do you except we try and do something nice and you don't want to you are talking to [stepmoms kids] years ago (I think he was comparing me to them? I don't know...dad is confusing when he types.)

if you want to come down fine if not dont.

THEN he posted after I posted a status of "Not really wanting to out today despite it being my birthday" I just want to stay at home today and game."

Dad: we did invite you out but you don't so I will eat the cake my self.

Keep in mind, I had already broken down that day, and was already unstable. After all this happened, I broke down a lot, I lost count of how many breakdowns I had yesterday, and I slept a lot as well, I was so unstable and upset that I couldn't really leave my bed, I didn't eat until at least 10pm or so, and that was just Crunchy Fajita TAKIS and Peach Peace Tea.

I'm still very bitter over it now and I'm just sick and tired of being treated like shit and made to feel like whatever decision that contradicts my parents' is wrong.

I hate it...I absolutely hate it and I feel like I'm the bad guy even when I know I'm not and it's just fucking ridiculous how toxic things have gotten.

Like..how can he justify any of this and his attitude towards everything? It's sickening.

I'm lucky I have friends and my girlfriend. I leaned on them heavily today for support, because I really needed it, and I still do. I am very bitter, upset, and angry. I'm not crying anymore, I'm just at the point where I don't think I can cry unless something tips me over emotion-wise.

So...yeah...

That was a fucking awesome birthday =_=

Jun 25, 2018, 4:55:57 PM So the past couple of weeks have been hell. My dad was an ass on my birthday and that made my depression flare along with my anxiety. Unluckily for me it has affected how I work. I also haven't eaten since saturday because I have like....no food in the house and I've been surviving off of sleep and iced tea. I am an unstable, emotional mess and even my manager is worried and suggested I go to a counselor soon.

Welcome to my fucked up life.

July 1st So, starting later on today (sunday) i'm going to visit my cousin and aunt who I haven't seen in a while. It'll be nice to visit them for a couple of days, then I'll be coming home after that and I think it'll be nice to just be around family members that actually care and worry about me. Last Tuesday I went to see Jurassic World and it was pretty awesome. I'm still having my bad days here and there but...maybe this is the universe's way of telling me things are going to be okay? I'm not sure, I don't want to get my hopes up too high after all but...I'm starting to genuinely feel like things are working out just a little.

July 7th So, first of all, I want to say that my Manager is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I have ever worked with. Earlier today at work she and I were talking about the backpacks and talking about which ones we liked, when she mentioned there was only 3 Captain America backpacks still in the back as she knows my love of the Marvel Universe.

I was a bit surprised that we had actually gotten something like that in, and she offered to let me see one, to which I agreed. When she came out with the backpack, I was over the moon with how awesome it was. It had a lined fleece back that could hold your laptop/tablet/whatever, then 8 other pockets with various uses, and when she noticed how much I loved it, she bought it for me as a surprise late birthday gift and it just made me insanely happy.

The backpack, by the way, was originally $169 but with the 50% off and an employee discount, it came out to $66. It's a beautiful, heavy duty backpack with a canvas-type bottom so it's got a lot of durability and I'm over the moon about it. I'm going to be using it a lot and it just...oh man it made my day :D The back is even embroidered!

So yeah, it was a good day n_n

I also worked shipping today, which was really relaxing.

July 9th Yes, it's my stepmom's birthday, she's 63 today and I would have gone down there if it hadn't been for the shitstorm my dad created when he treated me like shit on my birthday. I still haven't forgiven him for it and I don't think I will anytime soon. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he really think I'm just going to let that go? No. I'm not. Not anytime soon and certainly not within less than a month of when it happened. I understand he's most likely stressed and stuff over the news he got that day...thing is, that doesn't give him an excuse to treat me like shit and make me stressed out as well. Not to mention the news should NEVER be told over a goddamn MESSAGING SERVICE. He's less than a 5 minute drive from me (about a half hour walk) so...why the hell couldn't he just come and tell me after my birthday or something?!

Sorry...getting caught up in the grudge I'm holding.

Anyway, this has stressed me out a bit and I've shut my phone off for now until he gives up. I can't handle him right now, and I shouldn't have to if I don't want to.

#depression #insomnia #anxiety #tw: depression #personal story #blog

2 notes · View notes

itsblainedevon · 8 years ago

Text

HAPPY BIRTHDAY → KLAINE

TAGGING: Blaine Anderson & Kurt Hummel

DATE: Sunday 5th February, 2017

LOCATION: Kurt’s Apartment, NYC

NOTES: It’s Blaine’s twenty-fifth birthday. He hasn’t said anything about it, but Kurt has remembered and is planning to surprise him so they can celebrate together.

ADDITIONAL NOTES: NSFW

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt smiled as he put the finishing touches on the cake that he made for Blaine. He had told Blaine that he wanted him to come over to his apartment to watch movies but he left out the part where this was a surprise birthday party for him. Kurt had taken the day off of work to decorate his apartment with streamers and a huge banner that said 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BLAINE'. He also dressed up Ollie in a bowtie and party hat that he reluctantly wore. He looked at the time and realized that Blaine should be there any second now.

He pulled his homemade pizza out of the oven, grinning when he placed it on the counter. He wasn't sure if Blaine was going to think he was a dork for making a heart out of pepperoni but it was tradition. He remembered the first time that he made a pizza for Blaine and how Blaine loved it. So, every time after that, Kurt just did it.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine had kept quiet that it was his birthday, hoping that Kurt had forgotten. It sounded mean, but he hadn't celebrated in years and his birthday was something he tended to ignore. Not to mention, the thought of being twenty five and still a recovering addict wasn't something Blaine enjoyed. He was still humiliated by his addiction, and it certainly wasn't something he was proud of. But Kurt had asked him to go to his apartment and Blaine thought nothing of it. Maybe Kurt really had forgotten and just wanted to spend some time with him.

Getting there was easy. It was only a short subway ride away and soon enough, Blaine was in Kurt's apartment building, making his way up the stairs. The elevator was out of order once again, meaning he had to walk up numerous flights and by the time he reached the top, Blaine was exhausted. But regardless, he knocked on Kurt's door, making sure he still looked presentable enough for the other man.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt jumped when he heard a knock on the door, rushing to place the cake on the table. "I'll be right there!" He called out, not wanting to Blaine to think he didn't hear him knock.

He noticed Oliver looking up at the table and shook his head. He knew that Ollie loved sweets and wouldn't hesitate to take a bite of Blaine's cake. "Don't you dare," he whispered, pointing as his cat.

Kurt smoothed his hair down and took a deep breath as he walked over to the door. He really hoped that Blaine wouldn't get mad that Kurt did all of this. He had a feeling that Blaine didn't really want to acknowledge his birthday since he didn't even say anything about it in passing. And yes, Kurt understood why Blaine wouldn't want to make a big deal but he was turning twenty five. This birthday was meant to be celebrated. Even if it was just them and Kurt's cat.

He brightly smiled as opened the door. "Surprise! Happy Birthday, Blaine!" He moved aside so that Blaine could see his banner.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt never got any less beautiful. It was weird, really. Every time Blaine saw him, it was like his heart skipped a beat. He was constantly taken by surprise at just how amazing Kurt was and today was no different. But then he'd wished him a 'Happy Birthday' and Blaine froze in surprise, looking past Kurt to see the banner. He swallowed hard, stepping into the apartment somewhat nervously when he looked around and saw he'd decorated the apartment and made him a birthday cake.

"Kurt... You've really done this for me? You remembered when my birthday was?" The surprise in Blaine's voice was obvious and he shrugged out of his jacket, biting his lip. "I... I haven't celebrated my birthday in five years. Thank you, Kurt. It... It really means a lot to me that you remembered."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt couldn't tell if Blaine was okay with the surprise or upset. He kept smiling as Blaine slowly entered his apartment, closing the door behind him. He knew that he probably should have just told Blaine that he wanted to throw him an impromptu birthday party but he had a feeling Blaine would have vetoed the idea immediately.

He let out a sigh of relief when Blaine finally spoke up, taking Blaine's jacket and hanging it up on his coat rack. "Of course, I remembered your birthday." He smiled. Kurt never could forget Blaine's birthday, especially after he disappeared. He would always catch himself wondering what Blaine was doing on this day. It would mostly depress the fuck out of him but he did it because it made him feel closer to the ghost of Blaine. Although, his heart sank now when he realized that Blaine never celebrated his birthday.

"Well, you mean a lot to me and you deserve a little something special on your birthday. I know it's not a lot but Ollie has his best bowtie on, just for you. You should feel extremely honored." He chuckled. "I also made a pizza. So, I don't know if you want to eat first and then have cake or vice-versa."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Honestly, the fact Kurt was so willing to do this for him had Blaine tearing up. It was amazing that he loved him, even now, even after everything he'd done to hurt him. Blaine was constantly surprised by Kurt's love for him, but it was something he never wanted to lose. Now he had him in his life, he didn't want to let go. Blaine leaned forwards to wrap his arms around Kurt, pulling him into a grateful hug.

"Thank you so much," he said quietly, glancing down at Kurt's cat and laughing. He didn't look overly impressed with the bowtie he was wearing. Blaine leaned down to pet him gently, laughing at the soft 'meow' he received in response. Blaine looked back up at Kurt, a grin on his face.

"I think we should have pizza first. I'll blush far too much if you sing Happy Birthday to me right now. Plus, you've gone through all this effort to make a pizza, we should definitely eat it hot."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt grinned as Blaine pulled him into a hug, returning the gesture. All he wanted to do was make Blaine feel loved on his birthday. Especially now after learning that this was his first birthday in five years. Also, Kurt wanted a reason to celebrate a happy moment in the midst of everything that was going on in their lives.

"You're welcome, Blainey." He smiled, watching Blaine interact with Oliver. He could tell that Ollie was about five seconds from shrugging out of his bowtie but he was glad that he wasn't too mad. He playfully rolled his eyes at Blaine's comment about blushing. "I'm still going to sing to you later. I don't care if it makes you blush."

Kurt walked over to pizza on the kitchen counter. "You can go take a seat on the couch. I'll set it on the coffee table, so we can watch TV as we eat." He called over to Blaine, making his way over to the living room. He smiled over at Blaine when he sent the pizza down in front of him so that he could see the pepperoni heart he made. He then went to get plates before sitting down next to Blaine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine rolled his eyes playfully as Kurt told him he was still going to sing to him later. But he would never stop him, not knowing just how happy it made the other man. He nodded and took his seat on the couch, as instructed, smiling to himself when Ollie jumped up to lay on his lap. It was strange - cats never seemed to like Blaine, but Ollie was the apparent exception. Not that he minded. While he was more of a dog person himself, there was something about Kurt's cat he liked.

He looked up when the other man returned, setting the pizza on the coffee table in front of them. Blaine couldn't help but grin at the heart made out of pepperoni on the top, shaking his head fondly and leaning forwards to kiss Kurt gently. He was touched that he went through so much effort just for him. It was just his birthday, after all. To Blaine, it wasn't anything special and it hadn't been for years.

"So, what do you propose we watch? I don't mind, because I'm perfectly happy getting cuddled by my favourite Hummel... Ollie. Oh, and you, of course," he added, winking at Kurt.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could tell that Ollie was becoming quite attached to Blaine, which made Kurt wonder if his cat could tell how much Blaine means to Kurt. His cat was usually withdrawn with new people. But ever since Blaine introduced Blaine to Ollie, his cat immediately warmed up to him. Maybe it was because he could sense how comfortable and at ease Kurt was with Blaine. Or maybe he could sense Blaine's kind soul underneath all his insecurities.

"Hmm, does this mean you like the pizza?" He smirked, happily accepting Blaine's kiss. He knew that Blaine probably thought he was being completely ridiculous and over the top but he didn't care. He loved Blaine and he wanted to keep reminding him of that love.

Kurt was about to answer Blaine's question but instead scoffed at Blaine's comment. "Oh, I see. I've been replaced by a newer and younger Hummel. I'd to say I'm shocked but I know firsthand how cute and persuasive Ollie could be." He laughed, reaching for the remote. "Anyways, I don't know if you're sick of this movie by now but they were showing Moulin Rouge on TV the other day and I recorded it. I'm not sure if you want to see that."

BLAINE ANDERSON

"Hey, it's not my fault Ollie loves me. You know this is rare, usually cats can't stand me and they just want to scratch my arms to shreds. But hey, Ollie likes me and that's what I like." Blaine grinned up at Kurt, scratching behind the cat's ears before picking him up and putting him down on the floor so he could wander away, leaving the two men on their own. Blaine shifted a little so he was cuddled closer to Kurt.

Honestly, this was the perfect birthday already. The fact Kurt had recorded Moulin Rouge for the two of them to watch was touching, and Blaine reached for a slice of pizza, taking a bite and groaning in relief. "I am definitely not sick of the movie. You, are a complete and utter nerd with your pepperoni heart and your homemade cake, but thank you for doing this for me. I really do appreciate it, Kurt. I can't believe you remembered either. I didn't say anything about my birthday because I didn't want to make a big deal of it."

KURT HUMMEL

"Well, I can't deny the fact that Ollie has grown extremely attached to you, like his owner." Kurt smirked, watching as Blaine interacted with Ollie. He was secretly relieved that Blaine put Ollie down because he knew that he wasn't going to let them eat in peace. He felt the butterflies in his stomach as Blaine cuddled closer, still not over that fact that they could do this. They could be close again.

Kurt immediately grinned as Blaine spoke, feeling himself blush. He succeeded in making Blaine feel special on his birthday and that's all he ever wanted. And he was a nerd. He was a nerd for Blaine because he made him feel happy. Blaine always brought out this sappy part of Kurt.

"Of course I remembered. I never forgot. Despite everything, you were always in my heart. And I wanted to make the pizza and cake because even if we're totally different people now, my love is still the same. You still make my heart leap with every smile you send my way and leave me breathless with every kiss." He softly smiled, leaning over to press a kiss on Blaine's lips. "I know you didn't want to make a big deal of your birthday but I had to do this because you're a big deal to me."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine loved that Kurt did this for him. He loved that he was willing to do this and he knew how lucky he truly was. Blaine ate another slice of pizza and groaned in appreciation, curling in closer to the other man. The kiss to his lips had him humming gently in response, resting his chin on his shoulder as he looked up at Kurt.

"And you're a big deal to me. I've just not celebrated my birthday in a long time, so I was kind of just going to let it pass. But I honestly can't thank you enough for doing this for me. I love you, Kurt."

He leaned up to kiss him again, turning his attention back to the movie. There was a happy smile fixed to his features, and it was one he definitely didn't want to lose anytime soon. It was his birthday and for the first time in years, he was happy.

KURT HUMMEL

"I love you, too." Kurt whispered back, smiling into Blaine's kiss. He could tell how much this meant to Blaine and it made him feel like Kurt wanted to continue to do this for Blaine.

He grabbed a slice of pizza and began to eat, famished from cooking all day. Kurt knew that this day was supposed to be for Blaine but it was somewhat for him, too. He wanted to feel this close to Blaine again. He wanted to feel the same kind of happiness others felt when they were with someone they loved. Everything had been so crazy lately and Kurt wanted to feel some sort of normalcy. Especially since the past couple of weeks had been filled with stress over Alex filing divorce papers and whether he would be able to afford to keep the apartment. But none of that mattered because he was having a movie night with Blaine. And he was genuinely happy.

Halfway through the movie, Kurt had shifted positions and wrapped his arms around Blaine. The only problem was that he got so comfortable that he dozed off into a light sleep. He didn't mean to take a nap but he was just so cozy with Blaine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine was comfortable with Kurt. He was wrapped in his arms, safe, and cosy on the couch, eyes fixed on the screen. Moulin Rouge had always been their movie and he'd never get sick of it, that was for sure. Blaine looked up, unable to stop himself from smirking at the sight of the other man, fast asleep. He chose not to wake him though, cuddling back into Kurt's body and finishing the movie. By the time it was over, there were tears rolling down Blaine's face and he sniffled a little, wiping them quickly before sitting up, gently shaking Kurt's shoulder.

"Kurt? H-Hey, baby," he said in a gentle voice, pressing a kiss to his cheek and smiling against him. "You fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you but the movie is finished, and I wasn't sure if you had anything else planned for the day."

Blaine leaned back again, reaching for Kurt's hand and bringing it to his lips so he could kiss his knuckles, smiling as the other man slowly woke up from his nap. "Good sleep?"

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could faintly hear the movie playing as he felt Blaine snuggle up closer to him. He knew that he should try to make any effort to wake himself up because this might be considered rude. But there was something comforting about the fact that he didn't have to worry about Blaine being upset that he dozed off for a bit.

He slowly blinked his eyes open when he heard Blaine's voice and felt him kiss his cheek. He didn't expect the sleep through the whole movie and slightly blushed.

"It was a very good sleep. I'm so sorry. I've been working a double shift for the past couple of days and I must've gotten a little too cozy." He smiled, sitting up a bit. "Are you ready for your cake? I also bought you a little something." He grinned, moving to stand up.

He went into the kitchen to grab the matches to light the candle on Blaine's cake, smiling as he made his way over to Blaine on the couch. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Blainey. Happy birthday to you!" He sang placing the cake in front of Blaine, on the coffee table. "Make a wish."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine grinned up at Kurt when he woke up. He moved to the side a little as he stood up, folding his legs beneath him and looking up eagerly as Kurt went to light his cake. It'd been so long since he'd had a reason to celebrate, and even longer since he'd celebrated his birthday. The fact Kurt did this for him really was touching. As the other man sang to him, Blaine felt the colour rising to his cheeks and he covered his face with an embarrassed laugh.

A wish? His wish was simple. To be able to happily spend the rest of his life with Kurt, and stay sober. It was all he really wanted because he wasn't about ruin things when he finally had Kurt back in his life. Blaine closed his eyes for a moment before blowing out his candle, getting to his feet so he was in front of Kurt and kissing him soundly, a hand resting on his hip.

"I love you so much, Kurt Hummel," he said quietly. "Thank you for this - for all of this."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could tell that Blaine was getting embarrassed by his cheesiness but he didn't care. It was Blaine's birthday and this is what you do on someone's birthday. Especially someone as important as Blaine. He wanted to show Blaine that he wanted to do these things for him. He wanted to show him despite all the hardship he went through, he was still worth celebrating in Kurt's eyes.

Kurt softly clapped when Blaine finally blew out his candle, having a slight feeling what Blaine's wish was about. He was about to reach for the cake but stopped when Blaine suddenly stood. He let out a noise of surprise as Blaine planted a kiss on him but immediately relaxed, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck.

"I love you, too." He breathed, resting his forehead against Blaine's forehead. "I just wanted to make tonight special for you." He smiled, pressing another kiss to Blaine's lips.

He reluctantly pulled away and grabbed a small box from the table, handing it to Blaine. "Happy birthday. I wish I could've afforded to give you something nicer but I thought you might like this." He had gotten Blaine a leather journal with his initials on it.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt and let out a quiet sigh. Honestly, he loved being this close to Kurt, loved breathing in his familiar scent and knowing that he really was here, that they had found each other again after all these years. He sat back on the sofa when Kurt pulled away, blinking in surprise at the small box he had been given. He didn't expect Kurt to get him a present; this was enough. He swallowed hard, pulling Kurt back down onto the sofa gently and grinning at him.

"You really god me a present? Oh, Kurt. You didn't have to do that. Just knowing I get to spend the day with you is enough." Blaine looked down at the box, opening it carefully. He was overwhelmed when he saw what Kurt have given him, picking up the journal carefully and running his hands over his initials, carved into the leather.

This was important to him. He would be able to write down all of his thoughts in this; Kurt knew how much his journal meant to him, how important it was for him to write down all of his thoughts, even the negative ones. His therapist was helping him and it was essential to his recovery. Immediately, Blaine was putting it down and moving to straddle Kurt's hips and wrapping his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

"Thank you so much, Kurt. You have no idea how much this means to me. I love it, thank you."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt chuckled as Blaine pulled him down, smiling back at him. He really hoped that Blaine liked his present. He had gone through dozens of different ideas for Blaine's present but nothing seemed right. Also, Kurt realized that he was still shopping for the old Blaine. He knew now that Blaine wasn't really a fan of bowties and capri pants. Which was fine because Kurt wasn't the same person either.

"Of course, I got you a present. You know that I love to give gifts," he smirked. He bit his lower lip as he watched Blaine slowly open his present. He looked at Blaine's face and saw the look of awe. His heart swelled when he realized that he made the right choice in buying Blaine a journal. He remembered Blaine telling him in rehab that his therapist was making him write down his feelings and thoughts.

Kurt grinned as Blaine suddenly moved to straddle, wrapping his arms around his waist. "I'm so glad you like it. I figured that you needed something a little more sturdy than your spiral notebook to write down your thoughts."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine kept his face hidden in Kurt's neck, cuddling him as close as he could. He was so thankful for Kurt and he couldn't be happier right now. It was like his heart was soaring and all he could think about was just how grateful he was to have Kurt here, in his life. After a moment, Blaine pulled away, hand moving to rest on Kurt's cheek gently. The more he looked at the other man, the more he couldn't believe they were really here, together, after so long.

"You're right," he said quietly. "My old one is falling apart. I carry it with me everywhere, in case I need it. But it's falling to pieces. So thank you so much. I needed this. I love you." Blaine knew he was rambling, but he couldn't help it. "I've.. I've been meaning to ask you something though. I've been talking with my therapist a lot. And I mentioned what we spoke about in our letters, about getting an emotional support animal."

Blaine swallowed hard. He wasn't really sure what Kurt was going to make of this. But he wanted to tell him. "He thinks it's a good idea. And I could probably get help with the finances too. But he thinks it'd give me something to strive towards, because I've been getting negative thoughts again. About relapsing, I mean. The temptations are all around and it can be a little overwhelming. B-But he thinks if I get someone who has to rely on me... L-Like an animal... then it would help. W-What do you think?"

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt's breath hitched as Blaine moved closer, breathing in his sweet smell. He was scared that he was going to wake one day and find out that thus was all some dream. That Blaine really didn't come back. But he was always paranoid about those things. Life always seemed to pull the rug out from underneath him and he came to expect that maybe he wasn't meant to be happy.

But he pushed those negative feelings aside as Blaine pulled away to look him in the eye. He softly smiled as he leaned into Blaine's touch, looking up at him. "I love you, too." He quickly added before Blaine continued to talk. He could tell that the other man was nervous about something. He gently took Blaine's hand as he spoke about getting a service animal, remembering their conversation very well. Kurt had thought it was a good idea to adopt an animal to help him emotionally. He technically didn't adopt Ollie but when Kurt took him in after coming home from the mental hospital, it was the best thing that could happen to him. Because as much as Kurt was depressed and suicidal, he had Ollie to take care of. And as much as people like to think that cats aren't warm, Ollie was and he was always there to lift his spirits.

Kurt smiled up at Blaine, gently squeezing his hand. "I think it's a great idea. I know it's hard to live in the real world with temptations everywhere but I really think that your therapist is right about having someone to help you see what's important in life. If you want, I can help you find the right service animal."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine waited patiently, worrying his bottom lip through his teeth as he thought. He really hoped Kurt thought it was a good idea and shifted on his lap as he waited. But then Kurt was speaking again and he was grinning, hand coming around to rest on the other man's chest, fingers gently running over his shirt gently.

"You think it's a good idea? Awesome. We'll look into it. I've spoken a little to my parents and they think it's a good idea if I have somethng with me to help me. The temptations are around a lot and it isn't good. My therapist was a little worried about me living on my own, what with my negative thoughts coming back. But my medication is helping."

Blaine trailed off, mentally shaking himself off and leaning forwards to kiss Kurt. "Enough about that," he said against his lips. "It's my birthday and I don't want to think about that. I want to think about just how good it feels when you kiss me. When you touch me.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt softly chuckled, loving how happy Blaine got when he agreed that getting a service animal was a good idea. He knew that he really needed this. He would love to believe that Blaine was 100% better when he got out of rehab but he knew that wasn't realistic. This was going to be a life-long struggle but Kurt had faith in Blaine. He knew that he could do this. And a small part of him hoped that, along with a service animal, he could be Blaine's reason for living.

He listened to Blaine speak and he wanted to suggest maybe moving in together. Kurt wasn't sure if he was going to be able to afford living in his apartment since Alex left. But he was afraid that he was moving too fast. He wasn't officially divorced from Alex yet and he was already going to suggest moving in with Blaine? No. He needed to figure everything out first before dragging Blaine down with him.

Kurt grinned as Blaine moved closer, happily humming against his lips. This was exactly what they should be doing instead of talking about negative feelings. He moved his hands to grab Blaine's ass, smirking up at him.

"It is your birthday and I'm here to give you whatever you want. Just ask and you shall receive."

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine hummed happily in response to Kurt's words, tightening his grip on him. He knew there was little point in dwelling on the negatives, even if they were constantly on his mind. Kurt was a part of his recovery, and that was what mattered. Kurt had always been part of his recovery, even before they found each other again.

The feel of his hands on his ass had Blaine swallowing, especially when he spoke. It was his birthday and maybe he wanted something more. His hands moved, tangling his fingers in Kurt's hair and he bit his lip slightly, looking down at him. Without a word, Blaine leaned forwards, kissing Kurt hard, pulling him closer to him. After a moment though, he pulled away.

"I want you, Kurt. I want to make you feel good."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could tell that they both craved the same kind of intimacy. This was going to be the first time that they would be able to have sex without any type of guilt. He was free to give his whole self to Blaine and that excited Kurt. He wanted to be with Blaine so bad it hurt. His breath hitched when Blaine's fingers tangled in his hair. He was about to comment on the fact that he loved when Blaine played with his hair but was caught off-guard by his lips. He instantly wrapped his arms around Blaine, running his hands underneath Blaine's shirt.

"I want you, too." He whispered, looking up at Blaine. "Now, the question is: should we move this to the bedroom? Or should we have fun out here?" He grinned.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The touch to his skin had Blaine inhaling sharply, looking down at the other man. His face flushed at the question and without a word, he pushed himself to his feet, reaching for Kurt's hand to pull him with him and kissed him gently. Blaine didn't say anything as he pulled Kurt through the apartment and into his bedroom, kicking the door closed behind them. He wanted this, wanted the perfect end to a perfect birthday and he pulled Kurt down onto the bed with him, rolling over so Blaine was laying beneath him.

"Like this," he breathed against his lips. "I loved us... b-before. It was so intimate, Kurt, and I'd never experienced anything like it. I want to feel good and I... I want us to make love, like we did before. I love you."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt softly chuckled when Blaine didn't answer his question but immediately stood up. He quickly took Blaine's hand and let him pull him up, humming as he kissed him. There was no doubt at all that Kurt and Blaine had been secretly waiting for this day ever since they reunited. He happily followed Blaine through his apartment and into his room, letting out a surprised noise when Blaine pulled him down onto the bed. He couldn't help but smirk at how eager Blaine was to have birthday sex.

He softly smiled as Blaine spoke, realizing that this was more than just sex. He pressed another chaste kiss to Blaine's lips as he gently ran his fingers through Blaine's curls. "I would love nothing more than to make love to you, Blaine. I want to savor every single second with you. I love you, too."

Kurt slowly removed his shirt before carefully doing the same for Blaine. He then started pressing kisses along Blaine's jawline and down his neck towards his collarbone.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine hummed happily at Kurt's response, bumping their noses together for a sweet moment. He swallowed hard when he was shirtless, glancing at the scars on his arms for a moment and folding his arms across his chest. It took him a moment, but he realised he was being stupid. Kurt didn't care about the marks on his arms. Sure, they still stood out, a brilliant red against his otherwise light skin, but he knew the other man didn't see them as a negative thing. There was still faint marks from where he'd inject himself too, but they were fading slowly. But Blaine knew Kurt didn't mind. He was getting better, that was the important thing.

The kisses to his neck had him groaning beneath Kurt, shifting his hips a little and wrapping his arms around his body. "I love you," he said quietly, trailing his fingertips down Kurt's spine gently before slowly digging his nails into the skin. "Being with you is like nothing I've ever really known. It's only ever been you, Kurt."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt noticed Blaine's attempt to cover up once he was shirtless. And at first Kurt assumed that Blaine was self-conscious about his weight but then it hit him that Blaine was trying to hide his scars. He honestly didn't even notice the scars until and he really didn't mind them. Blaine was more than his scars. Plus, Kurt was rather distracted by the fact that he was going to have sex with Blaine.

He gently pulled Blaine's arms down so that he had better access to his chest. He smiled against Blaine's warm skin as he felt him trail his fingers along his spine, giving a slight shiver. He could feel his heart ache as Blaine spoke. He hated that tried so hard to replace Blaine, that he got married. Yes, he ultimately knew that Blaine was the one who rejected him and that he was lonely. But there was still a part of him that felt Kurt had cheated on Blaine with Alex.

Kurt moved up to face Blaine, pressing a kiss to lips. "I'm sorry I didn't go look for you. I'm sorry that I married Alex because despite everything, you were always going to be my other half." He whispered, feeling like he needed to say those words.

BLAINE ANDERSON

When Kurt started apologising, Blaine froze, pulling away from his lips and sitting up a little so he could look at him. There was a small crease between his eyebrows and Blaine shook his head, but not before pressing a gentle kiss to Kurt's forehead. He loved this man with his whole heart, he always had. But that didn't mean he blamed him for moving on. Blaine cut him out of his life completely, cut everyone out. He'd have been more confused if he didn't try and forget him. It wasn't like he was in a good place.

"You don't have to apologise," he said, voice soft. "There was a part of you that loved him, Kurt. I know I'm your other half, just like you're mine. But I'm never, ever going to be upset that you tried to get your happy ending. I'm glad you did." Blaine moved his hands down to Kurt's hips, fingers playing with the waistband of his pants gently. "I love you so much. Nothing else matters right now other than me and you. Okay?"

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt was worried that he ruined the moment when Blaine moved to sit up. But his anxiousness eased a bit when Blaine kissed his forehead. He knew that maybe now wasn't the appropriate time to bring up his insecurities but he didn't want to keep this from Blaine. This was their second chance and as selfish as it sounds, he needed to hear that Blaine didn't secretly hate him for attempting to move on.

He let out a small sigh of relief when Blaine spoke, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He softly smiled as he listened to him, embarrassed that he ever doubted this man's compassionate nature. Once he felt Blaine's hands travel down to his waistband, he knew that the moment wasn't ruined at all.

"Okay." He grinned, slowly pushing Blaine back down as his own hands traveled down his torso. He slid his hand into Blaine's pants and palmed his length as he kissed Blaine's neck. "I love you, too." He breathed against his skin, feeling his own erection press against his jeans.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The nimble fingers, Kurt's soft hands, all of it was completely intoxicating. All Blaine wanted to do was lose himself in the other man. It was like his heart had just been taken by storm and not a single thing mattered other than the two of them. Blaine was finding himself falling in love with the other man all over again and he had to admit, it wasn't something he'd been expecting. Of course, he never doubted his love for Kurt. But it was still surprising to find himself falling in love over and over.

Blaine gave a low groan, the hand nowhere near enough to soothe the ache in Blaine's stomach. He raised his hips slightly, pushing his hands down and leaving him in just his underwear. It was his birthday, after all, and he wanted them both to feel good. So Blaine grinned, reaching between their bodies and unbuttoning Kurt's jeans, wordlessly urging him to take them off.

"I'm never going to get sick of this," Blaine said, still pushing at the other man's jeans. "I am never going to get tired of you, Kurt. You mean the world to me."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt grinned as Blaine slipped out of his pants, nipping at the skin on his collarbone. He needed this. He needed to make Blaine feel good. He had spent the past couple of weeks feeling like he was horrible person, that he needed this reminder that he still was capable of being loved. And that he could make someone feel good rather make them feel like shit. He wanted this to be good for Blaine.

His breath hitched as he felt Blaine's hands unbuttoned his jeans, waiting for him to take them off. But when nothing happened, he realized that Blaine couldn't do that while Kurt was stuck to the other man like glue. He smirked as he removed both his jeans and underwear, tossing them to the side.

"Well, it's a good thing I'm not going anywhere." He responded, as he slowly removed Blaine's underwear. "Because I plan on doing this every chance I get."

Kurt pressed a kiss to Blaine's lips as he grabbed his ass, feeling desperate to feel close to Blaine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

As soon as Kurt kissed him again, Blaine knew their time for talking was done, especially when he felt his own underwear being removed. And then suddenly, they were both completely naked. There were no barriers between them; just Blaine, aching and desperate for the touch of the man who had stolen his heart. He pulled him closer, groaning softly against his lips and letting his eyes slip closed. Hips rolled upwards, desperate for some friction between them, and Blaine wrapped his arms around the other man's strong body once again.

"W-Want you," he said against him, hand coming between their bodies and stroking Kurt, swallowing hard. "Please, baby. Please, I want to feel you so badly. I've missed you."

KURT HUMMEL

"Fuck," Kurt hissed as he felt Blaine's erection press up against him. There was no use trying to take this slow anymore. Kurt needed Blaine, like he needed oxygen to breathe. He craved that feeling he got every time he made love to Blaine. Like everything had melted away and it was just them two in the world. Nothing and no one else mattered.

He nearly cried out when he suddenly felt Blaine stroking him, burying his face in Blaine's neck. "Not as much as I missed you," he moaned. Which was absolutely true. Kurt could cry at the fact that this was actually happening. He was here, in Blaine's arms and he was his boyfriend again. Well, they hadn't really officially talked about it but Kurt could assume that since they were fucking, that they were in a relationship.

Kurt bit his lip as he reached over to his nightstand, grabbing a condom and lube. His hands shook in anticipation as he popped open the cap and lubed up his fingers. He smiled as he looked over at Blaine, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth as he slowly pushed two fingers into Blaine, watching his reaction with a smirk as he stretched him out.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Blaine let out a low groan of frustration when Kurt moved away to reach into the nightstand, sitting up on his elbows and biting his lip. He was aching at this point, desperate for some kind of touch from Kurt. He saw the condom in his hand and reached for Kurt's wrist, shaking his head a little. "I don't want us to use a condom," he said quietly, leaning up to kiss him gently. "I'm clean. I'm off my meds for that and I... I trust you. I just want to feel you, Kurt."

He sat back a little when he saw Kurt open the lube and let his legs fall open. His heart was hammering in his chest, the anticipation killing him, and as soon as he felt the fingers push inside, Blaine was letting out a loud groan, arching his back ever so slightly. This was right. This was how it was meant to be. Just him and Kurt, together. He reached down and continued to stroke Kurt's length, leaning up to kiss the underside of his jaw, nipping at his skin slightly.

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt was taken aback when Blaine grabbed his wrist, afraid that he hurt him or something. But when he softly spoke, he felt instantly relieved. He didn't know how to ask before if Blaine wanted to use a condom or not; so he just grabbed one in case. Although, he was glad that Blaine didn't because he wanted to feel Blaine, too. He didn't want anything to dull his experience.

"You don't have to tell me twice," he smirked, tossing the condom aside as he kissed Blaine.

He let out a low whine as Blaine continued to stroke his length, craving to feel more. His eyes rolled back as he felt Blaine nip at his jaw, feeling like his whole body was on fire. "Fuck, Blaine. I can't wait any longer," he breathed, quickly removing his fingers. He lubed his length and then slowly entered Blaine, quietly apologizing for being so abrupt.

BLAINE ANDERSON

It was like Kurt was ice and Blaine was fire. His touch scorched his skin but it burned in the best way possible, in a way that Blaine would never really be able to describe. Kurt stretching him open felt amazing and Blaine shifted his hips, as though trying to get closer to the man that owned his heart. His desperate words had Blaine looking up, nodding at him and whimpering softly when he pulled out, stroking lube over his length, ready for Blaine.

As soon as he'd pushed inside, it was like Blaine was complete. It felt amazing and he wrapped his arms around the older man, pulling him closer. "Don't apologise," he said, voice slightly strained from how full he felt with Kurt inside him. "D-Don't ever apologise for this." Blaine leaned up to kiss him tenderly, legs coming up to wrap around Kurt's waist. "Please move, baby. You feel amazing."

KURT HUMMEL

It was clear now to Kurt that he was made to be with Blaine. His body was carefully constructed to seamlessly intertwine with Blaine's perfectly imperfect body. This was effortless and euphoric and Kurt felt like this is where he was always meant to be. He tried to focus on Blaine's voice as he spoke but his mind was all over the place. He was brought back to reality when he felt Blaine's strong arms wrap around him and kissed him.

Move? Yes! He almost forgot what they were supposed to be doing. He gave a small nod as he started to rock his hips, grabbing a hold of Blaine's hips to center himself. Before he knew it, he had slowly quickened his pace. It honestly just felt amazing and he couldn't control himself anymore. It was like his body was taking over.

"I love you, Blaine. I love you so fucking much," he moaned, pressing his lips against Blaine lips.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The rocking of Kurt's hips had him moaning, keeping a tight grip on the other man. The words sent a thrill down his spine and Blaine was completely gone. He was lost in the movements, the touches and just everything Kurt. Tiny moans kept leaving him and his eyes were closed in nothing but sheer pleasure, loving the way Kurt felt against him. One of his hands moved, finding Kurt's, and he laced their fingers together, pulling the other man closer.

This was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life. With Kurt, making one another feel good. They were in love and now? Now there was nothing holding them back. They were Kurt-and-Blaine, and they always would be. And god, it made Blaine's heart ache with love. He didn't respond to Kurt's words though, not immediately. Instead, he rolled the two of them over, so he was straddling Kurt, and began to grind his hips down against him, his moaning only getting louder at the new angle.

"I love you too," he said, his voice seemingly distant. The younger of the two pulled Kurt up so he was sitting, their bodies flush together, and moved his hips down sharper, with more purpose. "You feel so good," he said, arms wrapping around his neck, head resting on one of them, though it was turned slightly so he could kiss the skin of Kurt's neck. "I don't ever want to stop."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could tell that Blaine was lost in the movement but that was perfectly fine. As long as he was making Blaine cry out in ecstasy, he was doing his job. He was never really confident in his sexual abilities but he tried for Blaine. And in reality, Blaine was the only person that Kurt felt comfortable being this intimate and vulnerable with. Which made Kurt feel guilty about because he was with Alex for almost two years. But nonetheless, he knew that Blaine would never judge him or make him feel like he wasn't a good lover.

Kurt grinned as Blaine took his hand, loving how personal the gesture felt. It was like Blaine was pulling him back into this moment. But before he knew it, he was flipped onto his back and Blaine was on top. "Shit," he moaned, feeling himself being able to push deeper into Blaine. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth as Blaine tightened around him.

He tried not to get too caught up in everything because he wanted this to last for Blaine but as soon as his body with flush with Blaine's he could feel his length pressed up against his stomach. There was no use trying to slow down now. He threw his head back as he moaned Blaine's name, losing himself in the younger man. "You don't ever have to stop," he breathed, running his hands along Blaine's spine.

BLAINE ANDERSON

The hands against the skin of his back had him aching. Everything was perfect like this. Neither of them were perfect (although Kurt has pretty damn close, he had to admit), but together, they completed one another. Blaine had all but ruined his life before Kurt came back. He saved him and it was something he would always be thankful for. So the younger of the two tightened his grip on the other, still moving his hips down in time with his.

"I'm n-not going to last." Blaine's voice was tight and he held Kurt close. It was true, he was close to his release, the feel of Kurt thrusting up into him as well as his length trapped between their bodies was all too much for him. But really? It was the intimacy of the situation that was killing him. He lasted a few more thrusts but eventually, the tension inside his body snapped and he was messing both of their bodies. But that didn't stop him from moving his hips, head coming up to kiss Kurt hard, wanting this moment to last forever.

"I love you so much."

KURT HUMMEL

How did he manage to survive five years without this feeling? This feeling of pure pleasure mixed with genuine, unconditional love. Although, was he really surviving or was he going through the motions until his other half returned. Because despite how much Blaine hurt him by leaving, Kurt deep down believed that they would find their way to each other. And they did.

Kurt let out a low whine as Blaine held him closer, trying hard to keep control. It wasn't until Blaine admitted that he was close, that Kurt fully allowed himself to let go. He grabbed a hold of Blaine's hips as he quickened his pace, pushing even deeper into Blaine until he felt him come all over his stomach. His hands moved up to Blaine's face as he kissed him, feeling like he was only going to to last two seconds more. And it was one a couple seconds before Kurt finished, Blaine's words pushing him over the edge. His entire body tingled as tried to catch his breath, wrapping his arms around Blaine and burying his face in his neck.

"Happy Birthday, Blainey." He smiled, pressing his lips against his warm skin.

BLAINE ANDERSON

Kurt's hands gripping his hips had Blaine moaning loudly, feeling overly-sensitive with Kurt fucking up into him. The feel of Kurt's hands cradling either side of his face was one Blaine had missed. It was so tender, even in the middle of them fucking, and he let out a quiet sob as Kurt was pushed over his edge, wrapping his arms around him tightly. He continued to grind his hips down gently, riding them both through their orgasms, and their highs.

The words had him smiling, even as he held him close. Blaine never wanted this moment to end, never wanted to let go of Kurt because this? This was perfect. It was them. And he knew that no matter what, Kurt would be there with him. But he could still feel his own release on both his and Kurt's torsos and raised his hips, flinching slightly at the empty feeling that followed.

"One sec," he said softly, moving into Kurt's bathroom and grabbing a washcloth, cleaning his own torso before returning to the bedroom and carefully cleaning Kurt's chest as well. Afterwards, Blaine moved to lay beside Kurt, curled in close to his side, wrapping the blankets around them. For a while, he didn't say anything, fingers delicately tracing patterns across Kurt's chest, lost in his own thoughts. But then he looked up at him and gave him a tiny, yet completely content smile.

"I am the luckiest man in the world. Thank you for making my birthday so special."

KURT HUMMEL

Kurt could feel Blaine's pulse beneath his lips, knowing that his own heartbeat was just as fast. He closed his eyes as they both remained very still and quiet for a moment. He could slowly start to hear the world around him and he had to admit that he was a little sad. He didn't want to go back to reality. Although, maybe it wouldn't be so bad now that Blaine was a part of his reality.

Kurt hissed as Blaine lifted himself off him, losing the warmth of being inside Blaine. He watched as Blaine climbed off the bed, wondering where he could be going. He sighed as he fell back onto his bed, covering his face with his hands. He could only imagine how disheveled he must've looked but it really didn't matter since Blaine did this to him. He grinned when he suddenly felt his torso being cleaned, looking over at Blaine.

"You're such a gentleman." He smirked, loving how Blaine always seemed to take care of him. He happily took Blaine into his arms as he cuddled close, kissing the top of his head. He knew that they both were enjoying this and honestly, the complete silence wasn't even awkward. But it never was for them. They always seemed to know what the other person was thinking or feeling without even saying a word.

He was so relaxed that he almost didn't catch Blaine's words. But as he looked down at him, he saw those beautiful eyes he loved so much.

"You really are," he teased, softly laughing. "But in all honesty, the feeling is mutual. I'm lucky that you still love me. I'm lucky that I have you back in my life."

#009 #happy birthday #klaine rp #klaine 1x1 #glee rp

2 notes · View notes