#anyway my mama is great and has fun taste in music but i am being poisoned by this ciry and by being within 100km of ny ex

[artemisbarnowl]

Listening to Evanescence's 2003 album Fallen in full alone in the evening was not the smartest idea I've ever had actually.

[retroellie]

The Last of Us Headcannons

Summary: Headcannons about TLOU2 characters 

A/N: I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a bit, I’ve ben stressed so I thought I’d write for my comfort characters lmao 

Warnings: Slight NSFW mentions, TLOU2 spoilers 

Word count: 2.4K

Ellie

-This girl is the best girlfriend i swear

-She will always tell you she loves you when she leaves or even if she goes into the other room

-She’s lost a lot of people so she’s always telling you how much she loves you just in case

-Helping her when she has nightmares, especially after joel's death

-”Please don’t leave me.”

-“Ellie, I’m not going anywhere.” 

-She’s definitely a lover of old music

-80s and early 90s was definitely her favorite eras music and movies wise

-Gifting her records you found in abandoned buildings

-She draws you a lot, especially when you aren’t paying attention

-One time she couldn’t sleep so she drew you, she thought you looked peaceful asleep. That drawing is probably her favorite she’s ever done.

-You basically live with her in the garage she lives in

-Winters are always cold in the garage so y’all are basically attached to each other

-You both are cuddled up watching movies with tons of blankets on

-This girl is horny all the time, like if yall are alone she’s on top of you

-Dancing together at the dances

-This girl is so clingy omfg

-Ellie worries about the looks and comment yall get when showing affection in public so she tends to tone down her clinginess

-Joel loves you, point blank period

-When ellie tells you what joel did for her, you didn’t know if you should be happy or sad

-They were gonna take ellie away from you, you probably would've done the same

-”My life would have mattered.”

-”Your life matters to me.”

-You tried to make her feel better about it though, telling her that there would still be bad people and infected in the world

-Neck kisses from the back, my heart is melting holy shit

-She asks maria to put you on routes with her cause mama you are not going without her

-Puns, just puns all the time and you love it

-Definitely calls you babe and baby, you always make fun of her for it but she knows you loves it

-Yall make fun of each other but it’s all in good fun she will never take it too far

Joel

-You’re this mans baby idc

-No one hurts you or they will get tracked down and their knee caps will be gone

-Joel knows full well you can take care of yourself but he just gets so mad

-This man is so soft for you

-He tries to spoil you the best way he can, going out of his way to get you presents from abandon stores

-Teaches you how to play guitar

-He will have you sit in his lap and play the chords

-”Is it sounding better?”

-He just nods and kisses along your back

-He will sing you to sleep if you ask him

-This man has shown you some good ass music, yall sometimes just lay in bed and listen to old records

-He loves the way you look in his shirts, this man melts or bends you over the kitchen table

-He doesn’t cry often but this man is hurt

-The first time you saw him cry was when he broke down to you about ellie and the fireflies and what he did

-It hurt him a lot to admit it but he was so relieved that he could let go and someone be on his side for once

-Tells you all about sarah and how she would like you

-”She would’ve loved you.”

-”Yeah, casue i’m the coolest.”

-”You're a nerd.” He chuckled out

-He would happily tell you about life before the infection, what it was like to not have to look over your shoulder all the time

-He would never tell you about his time in boston

-He didn’t want to scare you, so you never asked but you had a good idea of what happened because of tommy

-Slow dancing in the kitchen while dinner is on the stove

-Forehead kisses in the morning when he has to leave for rounds and your dead to the world

-Calls you Babygirl and princess, IDK HE JUST SEEMS LIKE THE TYPE OKAY

-His voice in the morning>>>>>>

-Will watch you dance from a far while at dances

-Takes you out on little dates, he doesn’t even care about the stares yall (The age gap)

-He is prepared for anything to happen so he loves you like it’s his last day

-Talks about having kids with you but is okay if you don’t want them, i mean he’s not sure if he wants another one but hell, He said he wasn’t going to date anymore but here we are

-If you want kids he doesn't care hold old he is, he will try and try and try to give you a child 

-”Damn it i got my period.” 

-”Well then I reckon we gotta try again, huh baby girl.” He says with a smirk 

-This man has a daddy kink and that’s all i gotta say about that umm anyways

-He is madly in love with you and he shows it, he has lost too many people and he has the mindset of “Good things don’t last forever”

Tommy

-I love this man with all my heart, he’s my baby

-He’s very caring and will hold you anytime you need to be held

-He just wants to help people and make the world a little easier for them so he overworks himself to the max trying to keep everything in jackson in order

-”Tommy, it’s 3 am and you got rounds in the morning. Come to bed.”

-”Yeah i'll be in there in a minute, i just gotta figure out the food supply situation.”

-Having to drag his ass to bed

-He loves cuddling, he loves feeling close to you

- Your the fighter of the relationship, tommy doesn’t like to fight if he doesn’t have too so he lets you deal with the violent stuff

-Although tommy loves his brother, he has a hard time forgiving him for the violence he exposed him too

-He feels very undeserving of you and everything good in his life., you have to constantly reassure him that he is a good person and is doing a great job

-He does have nightmares of being in Boston but you were always there for him, he was so thankful for you.

-He loves your cooking, like it can be the most simple thing ever and he’d be like 

-”This is the best Cereal i have ever had, who taught you to cook like this?”

-He has mommy issues, like his mother wasn’t really around so he has a lot of issues with that ig

-He is the best kisser i said what i said

-He’s very passionate and possessive, it’s cute

-He gives you his jackets all the time, he thinks you look so cute in them

- This man is literally the softest i can’t

-He doesn’t cut his hair just because one time you told him you liked it long

-”Jeez honey, your hair is getting pretty long.”

-”Shoot, do I need to cut it again.”

-”No...I like it long, it flatters your face.”

-”I will literally never touch my hair again ever again now that you said that, Okay”

-You have expanded this mans music taste

-He only ever listened to country cause i mean he’s a simple man but then you came along

-You got him a walkman just so he can listen to the music you recommend him

-He tells ellie all about you and asks her for help because he doesn’t want to mess up anything

-He’s not good in relationships and he believes he’s not a very attractive man so he doesn’t really try but he sees himself marrying you

-Spoiler he asks you to marry him because he can’t see himself without you, he doesn’t want to imagine how the world would be so dark without you in it

-He’s not into cute nicknames so he’ll just call you honey

-After joel's death, he was broken and you didn’t think you can even put him back together, but your willing to try

Dina

-I think you would be dina’s first girlfriend but she would love you with all her heart 

-She kissed you at the dance and everything kinda clicked from there 

-She would sneak over to you house in the middle of the night 

-”Jesus, i could've killed you.”

-”But you didn’t silly, come on i’m cold lemme in.” 

-”You're gonna be the death of me dina.” 

-Your rounds with her were never boring, it was always an adventure with her 

-Making out behind building because she couldn’t wait till yall got home 

-This girl will tease you until your bright read in the face

-She will definitely love kissing you, like she will just randomly kiss you 

-She will try to smash you literally anywhere, when she’s wanting to do the nasty it doesn’t matter where you are she will pull you into a random room or bathroom

-She never bores you in bed too, she’s always up to do new things especially since your her first girlfriend 

-When she found out she was pregnant she wanted to give this child the best life so yall decided to move out into a farmhouse 

- Having a kid didn’t really change how she loves you

-She’s still crazy and wild but now she just has a kid on her hip

-You guys were co parents so you both would hunt and take care of JJ 

-You guys would do almost anything to make that kid laugh even if that was dancing like lunatics for an hour straight 

-You guys almost never get alone time so just laying in bed without the kid felt nice 

-Yall are cottagecore lesbians idc, yall are the best parents and i said what i said 

-From behind hugs and kisses, she will grab your hips and kiss your neck until you have no choice but to rip her clothes off 

-Vintage records and slow dancing with JJ 

-I feel like being in a relationship with dina feels like a vintage song about love 

-There's lots of dancing in this relationship because dina loves dancing 

-She’s always afraid that you will feel left out in the family though since your not JJs real parent but you always tell her you don’t mind and you love JJ just like how Jesse would 

-She finds it so hot when your all protective parent when it comes to JJ, as soon as he falls asleep mama yall wont get any sleep 

-Yall are the best parents, dina will fight anyone who hurts JJ and you make him feel loved 

-When he gets older you guys try to tell him about Jesse without making you seem like the outsider of the family if that makes sense 

-Taking care of the animals and plants as a family and reading books about how to while laying in bed 

-Dina makes the best food and she tries to teach you but it just doesn’t add up to what she does 

-Okay we don’t know much about her sister but by the picture we saw she looks hella cool and i think you would be like best friends with her 

Jesse 

- yall sleep on this man i swear, so this one is to all my jesse stans are there 

-He’s kinky, that’s all 

-He knows he’s hot and he’s super cocky about it 

-He’s not much of a cuddler ngl but he will fall asleep and wake up spooning you 

-Your really close to his mom, like she loves you so much 

-He’s very reckless and your kinda the opposite so you kinda tone him down abit so you think that’s why his mom likes you so much 

-Jesse isn’t much of a dancer and he doesn’t really listen to music but he does like to play video games 

-You always pick him up video games randomly and gets so excited 

-You force him to dance with you at dances and he’s so awkward about it 

-”I hate this.” 

-”Awe you love it.” 

-Always trying to grope you while dancing, like will have his hands on your ass and theres kids behind you like sir stoppp but like keep going 

-”Hey! watch those hands.” 

-”I have no idea what your talking about”

-You and dina are pretty good friends like even after their weird relationship, she’s happy for the both of you 

-Okay so let's pretend jesse didn’t die and he is alive and well 

-When he finds out dina is pregnant he freaks out, he’s still pretty young so he’s terrified he won’t be good enough 

-When the baby comes though he’s so excited, when he’s in the infirmary with dina your happy for him but you can’t help but feel an outsider 

-Dina is so sweet and tries to make you feel better 

-”You're gonna be the coolest step parent ever. I’m glad my son gets such a badass step mom damn.” 

-Dina does move out of jackson still though so yall only get JJ every other week, that was the agreement 

-He cooks in the morning for you and JJ while yall are laying in bed 

-I’m sorry but he’s literally the coolest dad, his entire life changes because of that kid 

-When JJ leaves to go over to his moms house Jesse won’t let you get out of bed, this mf hasn’t got any in a week

-He gets a bunch of cook books so he can better his ability to cook for little JJ 

-You guys decorate JJs room together and it’s the cutest thing ever 

-He takes you to romantic places in the abandon city when yall are on rounds together 

-Jesse has a lot of friends but he would much rather hang out with you 

-Yall call each other stupid and dumb a lot but it’s never used as an insult its just for fun 

-”Damn it, why do i always get the nasty ones.” 

-”Because your stupid, dummy.” 

-”That’s right, i forgot.” 

-Your guys bed is never made, you guys don’t even bother at this point. Like either the kid messes it up or you guys mess it up so what's the point 

-He picks you up when he hugs you, literally pick you up from the waist and lift you up 

!Credits to gif owners!

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

Responses from the Opera Screencaps Captioning Quiz

Hello, everyone, and thank you for taking my quiz! I had SO MUCH fun reading your captions-- there were several times I literally started crying from laughing so hard at the amazingness of your work! With that in mind, the captions (which I will continue to add onto as more people take it):

(also, thank you to @dichterfuerstin​ for translating the German captions I got)

originally taken from: the Wiener Staatsoper’s 2020 production of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Die Entführung aus dem Serail, featuring Regula Mühlemann (center) as Blonde, Michael Laurenz (right) as Pedrillo, and an unnamed extra (left) as the Grim Reaper

Responses:

(Backstage warm-up) “ok so someone dropped the pulse”

me and my friends watching the fire burn after doing arson

Introducing the polycule to the parents

*boom* ... did...you guys hear that too?

Ma Signor !

Knight in whinging armour gone wrong, look at how he holds the egg. Polyamory with weird knight and death.

the father, son and the holy ghost are very gay

the gays meeting for brunch, 2021, colorized

chicken lady forces death and a very flamboyantly homosexual anthropomorphized pink bird to be parents of her egg (they dont want to be)

That’s just me and my friends on our night out (before covid rip)-- closest

A Good Friday night

good omens (2019)

["the pocket guide to boy/girl/mischief" meme] who's the boy and who's the mischief though????

Papageno and Papagena take their first-born egg trick-or-treating

Angry Birds - The Musical. A pig stole an egg and the bird unites with death to take revenge.

I love my bird wife

Someone got murdered during the funky chicken dance

throuple murders child and steals sibling of said child

When you and your friends have widely different tastes in literature

angel leading twink to his rightful place (hell)

draco malfoy from a very potter musical and a death eater are very much in the wrong show

What have I gotten myself into

Mlm/wlw solidarity but I’m not telling who is who

A woman stands with a pink dipshit with an egg and a reaper.

A bird-couple makes a pact with Death, sacrificing their first-born bird-child in order to bring good luck upon their unborn bird-baby

There are three types of people on Halloween:

Uh oh, I don’t think the mother hen is very happy about this...

oh god, they’ve invented seussical. It’s too early!

gay brunch

Three little maids from school are we

guys maybe if we dress gay enough we can distract everyone from the dead flapper bee in the back

those three killed a duck for her egg and are facing the conswquences.

Duck has egg with human, shocked and upset due to biological impossibility

When you bout to make a banging omelet so you invite your fellow queers

"No mortal man could pass that egg, but heaven shall repair your rectum."

originally taken from: the Salzburg Festival’s 2007 production of Hector Berlioz’s Benvenuto Cellini, featuring Maija Kovalevska (left) as Teresa Balducci, Laurent Naouri (center, in chimney) as Fieramosca, and Burkhard Fritz (right) as Benvenuto Cellini

Responses:

“In this same interlude it doth befall That I, one Snout by name, present a wall; And such a wall, as I would have you think, That had in it a crannied hole or chink, Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisby, Did whisper often very secretly. This loam, this rough-cast and this stone doth show That I am that same wall; the truth is so: And this the cranny is, right and sinister, Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.” - a midsummer night’s dream, act v scene 1

"ah yes a prime specimen. see here, right in this box is our one of a kind hob goblin that can be all yours for the low low price of your soul"

what, YOU don't have a special eavesdropping chimney window?

Hänsel und Gretel plotting against the witch

man takes a wrong turn and ends up in a chimney, catches his girlfriend cheating-- closest

when you end up third wheeling the straight couple

lady cheats on her leather jacket wearing scummy boyfriend and when he unexpectedly comes home she hides the lover in the chimney

A straight girl and her gay best friend gossip about stuff idk

Idk Shakespeare?

experimental couples therapy feat. the chimney mf from mary poppins

Area Couple Inadvertently Traps Santa-in-Training in Chimney as they Attempt Rooftop Flirting

Landlords laugh over student renter's misfortune

I never asked for this

Ay yo lil mama lemme whisper in your ear

voyeurist listens to sandy and Danny from grease

Psssst! Did you hear about Susan? You won’t believe it!

lady and the tramp meets beauty and the beast?

human trafficking

And for just $30 you too could have your own tiny brick cage!

Psst I’m wearing assless chaps under this dress

A couple tortures a man in a box.

It's all fun and games being stuck in a chimney until your greasy uncle steals your crush from right above you-- okay ngl this could actually be a great Don Pasquale concept

Taking eavesdropping to the next level

Will you two stop being lovey dovey and let me out? SUMMER LOVIN, HAPPENED SO FAST— 

overhearing how people talk about you when they think they're alone puts you in the shithouse 

Does he know we can see him?

dear god, i am so fucking hungry, yall please just do whatever heterosexuals do so i can go eat a popsicle 

the human version of the trash man from sesame street is realizing that those two are going to fuck on his trash can 

Tmw you capture an angry short dude and start trashtalking him where he can hear 

Omg what if we kissed but we actually kissed the lil goblin man under us

"Remember, don't feed him after midnight"

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Leonardo Estevez (right, on fake horse) as Le Comte d’Oberthal

Responses:

“When I said we needed to drain the swamp I didn’t think there were people actually living there”

horse? what horse? no sir i dont know what horse youre referring to.

definitely don't have a napoleon complex going on

King stole La Scala‘s Lohengrin set

king breaks all his horses, has to use statue dragged by servants as transportation because he’s too kingly too walk

Emperor Söder and his subjects on a carnival procession

man on horse makes a big deal out of being on a horse

That’s not Zeffirelli because the horse is not alive

Who the fuck put a horse on the stage

isn't this that picture of napoleon on the horse

Area Count Thinks Citizens will be Intimidated by his Extremely Fake-looking Horse Statue-- closest

Everyone wants their turn on the giant plaster horse. Police are there to make sure everyone waits their turn.

Night out with the lads

Local royalty horrified at the state of his own damn kingdom

gay army fights different gay aesthetics-- hi author how does it feel to be the funniest fucking person on this quiz

Well at least I LOOK badass

ceasar if he hadn't gotten stabbed (colourised)

some soldiers jumped out of my kindergarten fairytale collection book to burn the don carlos flemish deputies at the stake

It’s just a model

Is that how you feel pulling up in your Honda Civic, Madge?

Someone rides a horse statue in public.

Just a normal party with the bros.

what is this, some kind of crossover episode? 

Terribly sorry for all the fuss, it’s just, that is, my horse is afraid of neck ruffles. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he’s—whoaaa there—he said he was a french courtier in a past life and he’s allergic to English fashion 

Horse seller, listen to me! I am riding into battle. I need your strongest horse. - We have horses at home. - The horses at home: 

All hail Incitatus the king 

we are not ripping off shakespeare’s henry viii. what the fuck. this is about lenny xi you uncultured swine, go drown in a pit of your own farts 

oh god is that hamilton 

Guy Removed From Art Museum For Sitting On Statue, more at eleven 

Gay <3

Officer: This horse... is a virgin! Crowd: *cheers*

originally taken from: the Parma Verdi Festival’s 2017 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Stiffelio, featuring Maria Katzarava (left) as Lina and Luciano Ganci (right) as Stiffelio

Responses:

That One kid in class

its a mEntAL BreAkDowN *final countdown but kazoo*

*record scratch* yeah, that's me. you're probably wondering how I got here-- closest

Dad keeps monologuing, teenager is done

left: all of my concerned friends, right: my emo ass having a very public mental breakdown

the demons in the corner of my room when im just trying to sleep

lady gets mansplained to (do i need to say more, we've all been there)

It’s probably an area baritone telling off an area soprano-- sorry; it’s a tenor. soprano is right though.

That was a fake horse in the last photo right?

child comes out as gay to father at a particularly bad time

dissociation solves everything

I can't believe it's not butter

Honey we talked about this

My sleep paralysis demon is Crowley from supernatural

child has nightmare of boring job

When you start dating a singer but he won’t stop practicing at night

just an average day in a hetero marriage

what do i do my wife's having period cramps again

Stop having an existential crisis. It’s time to sing!

“No son of mine will kin Gomez Addams under MY roof”

Crowley stares into space while a teen has post nut clarity.

When he wont stop reciting jordan peterson monologues!!

Do you realize how effed you are?

Ugh, not this lecture again! Dad’s Practicing For His Experimental Indie Band Again 

asking your parents for help with your own personal situation and them just ranting off about what they went through instead of helping in any way 

Will he shut up already!

no one tell him he’s yelling in the wrong direction, no one tell him plnsbdjddhdj 

this kid is tired of his dad listening to rush limbaugh (a man who claimed to be pro life but died anyway) 

Me internally vs externally 

Daddy issues

originally taken from: the Grand Théâtre de Genève’s 2020 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Les Huguenots, featuring several chorus members

Responses:

It’s the deadly eye Of Poogley-pie. Look away, look away, As you walk by, ‘Cause whoever looks right at it Surely will die. It’s a good thing you didn’t … You did? … Good-bye. - shel Silverstein

why the fuckith? my good sir, i beg of you to put your pants back on

I hate this itchy hat

Titanic Extras hear that they have to do extra hours

people waiting to board the titanic watch someone fall off the plank

pov: you’re a time traveler

guy in the flatcap is embarrassed by patriotism and pathos

No idea. For some reason Le Marseillaise comes to mind

Is this from Harry Potter?

disneyland main street usa workers on strike

local tries to hide behind Newsies cap to avoid unpleasant but inevitable conversations. meanwhile, some very fashionable ladies look on.

"Thank fuck, 2020 was just a dream after all"

“We gather here today because this bitch got exactly what she deserved” “heaven!” “Stfu Stephanie she’s going to hell and we all know it”-- not quite but this basically happens later on in the opera (and act) so yeah (except the person in question very much Did Not Deserve It)

dc movie filter on bridgerton

america?

looks like my history teacher paused the prohibition documentary again

Who still wears page boy hats bro?

Coming out to a room of people who Already Knew That

Bitches are relieved at some party.

Several drunk people exiting getting off the subway attempting to seem sober and rational but realizing they have somehow lost all of their possessions

How tf do I act natural in this situation-- closest

“do you think any of them noticed that I don’t know the pledge of allegiance” 

It's too fucking hot outside for this outfit 

?

when hyyh yoonkook ending just hits different 

pedestrians watch in horror as the triangle shirtwaist factory burns and the workers throw themselves out of the windows from a dozen stories up 

Starting the pledge of allegiance be like 

He's having a heart attack oh no oh god oh fuck

originally taken from: if I remember correctly, the Semperoper Dresden’s 2018 semi-staging of Johann Strauss II’s Die Fledermaus, with Jonas Kaufmann as Gabriel von Eisenstein

Responses:

“William Shakespeare wrote: "To thine own self be true And it must follow, as the night the day Thou canst not then be false to any man" I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman A blonde woman Over the past three years she taught me And showed us all That being true to yourself never goes out of style Ladies and gentlemen Our valedictorian: Elle Woods!” - legally blonde the musical

eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs

woooooorrrrd

Finally Jonas has graduated! It’s about time, considering he’s an international star.

what my professors think they look like

Prof. Dr. Dr. When someone tells him there are more than two genders

'and since you've now graduated high school, you'll be entering college etc. blablabla' .........meanwhile, there's a whole row of graduates daring each other to chug the cheap vodka one of them has brought in gallons (yes that happened at my graduation, lol)

Jonas darling baby <3-- can’t argue with that

I just realized I have no idea what the actual fuck happens in an opera

ok this one is just what jonas kaufmann always wears you can't fool me.

"as valedictorian i will share with you the importance of loving the floor"

"Yes, mother, my art degree will make me money!"

Graduation speakers are out, singers are in

Senior year takes a new meaninbg

mansplainer professor explains the concept of feminism to women

Your Prof when you finally turn in that missing assignment be like

younger boris johnson (derogatory)

jonas kaufmann retires from opera and takes up motivational speaking

What a fine graduation evening we’re having today

-70 points for slytherin you all have no swag

A man with a college hat sings.

An obviously greying actor trying to play a university student in a low-budget porn parody

How it feels to graduate high school after being held back for years

East High is a place where teachers encouraged us to break the status quo and define ourselves as we choose. Where a jock can cook up a mean crème brûlée, and a brainiac can break it down on the dance floor-

I may not have been "cool" in high school, but in ten years you will all be working for me!

I finally got my GED!

that one guy in ur intro to cultural anthropology class who mansplains to the professor somehow fucking graduated

he;s just graduating and taking his speech too serously idk

Graduation speeches with that one dude who got held back 3 times

Smrt

originally taken from: the Metropolitan Opera’s 2011 staging of Gioachino Rossini’s Le Comte Ory with Joyce DiDonato (left) as Isolier, Diana Damrau (center) as Countess Adèle, and Juan Diego Florez (right) as Le Comte Ory (disguised as a hermit)

Responses:

There is something very [disturbing grunts] About polyamorous couples - polyamorous, Chris Fleming

jinkies

femme fatale (including to herself)

I’ll have a threesome soon !

Hot guy walks by, everyone swoons.

thirdwheeling friend does not realize the other two are having sex

When your girlfriend had „just two beers“ again

jesus is exasperated about having to drag the two ladies towards doing what he needs them to do instead of purple dramatically declaring suicidal intent over the smallest trivial matters and red being equally dramatic about declaring that it's not the way! stay alive! i love you!!

The throuple is thriving

Get off the milf

orgy

my last three braincells because im a horny slut

countess receives too much love and is confused on how to react

Rasputin's lesser known romp with a much older czarina of russia

Woman's soul leaves body

Jesus and co. are worried after another woman gets pregnant without having sex

bisexual looks at photos of celebrity couples

When you go to the party to socialize with new people but your weirdo friend group starts getting clingy

Jesus cumming

one of those weird church christmas pageants but everybody's drunk

What have I done

Hozier??????????

Jesus assfucks some purple lady being hugged.

This time, the chick IS the magnet

An affair/threesome gone awry (2019 colorized)

What do you mean they canceled GLOW?

“I TOLD you it was cashmere!”

Are you wearing the - - The Gucci dress? Yes I am.

It's not what it looks like!

jesus is fucking that one cheerleader who grew up to be a suburban mom with one (1) super cool dress she stole from her kid who is desperately hugging her middle begging for it back because the spring fling is coming up and jason might actually make eye contact with her for more than three seconds.

jesus and mary magdaline and some other bitch

I’m at a bar and these drunk girls are flirting with me, do I lOOK GAY?!

Shrek 5, jesus's return

c. 2025 First attempt of an Officer and his Wife with a Handmaiden (colourized)

just about all of these are close lol

originally taken from: the Bolshoi Theater’s 1993 staging of Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Maid of Orléans, featuring Nina Rautio (left) as Joan of Arc and Vyacheslav Pochapsky (right) as Thibaut d’Arc

Responses:

Don’t look, I’m still pooping

yall, the audacity of this man. he fuckin talked to me

*i can't even tell you how wrong you are* *it would be insulting to ME*-- closest

Cospeto!

„No I’m not talking to you, you keep cracking bad jokes!“ - „But I got another!“

when you’re mad at him but he says he’ll buy you food if you cheer up

When I’m wallowing in self-pity but my friends won’t comfort me

right: wanna fuck ;) left: yeah, fuck OFF lmao

Her face is screaming “don’t tell me what to do”

Yeah I got nothing

gay man tries to hit on a lesbian bc he thinks she's a twink. she's not amused but she's watching this happen anyway

me tired of MET's bullshit and them organising a Netrebko, known blackface apologist, a recital during Black History Month. (sorry im still fucking salty lol)

"stop smiling at me like that I'm trying to pout over here"

"I got fleas, you got fleas... wanna fuck?"

I have the best idea!

Haha nooooo don’t hit me with that bat you’re so sexxyy

lesbian is bothered by dilf

Me trying to flirt

if call me by your name was hetero and set in america

how many more dad jokes can i take before i explode

So. You’ve gotten yourself in a little pickle again.

What if we fought in the Russian revolution together ✨???????... unless??

Two people flirt in a poor place of town/

"If you ask me what I've got under this dirty, shapeless tunic one more time I swear to god I will kick your rotting teeth in"

You look like ur gonna kill me but ok

Really? You again?

Okay, I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, do you think it’s safe to—oh god, he’s still there.

Have you seen Godot?

she is tired of everyone’s shit. she has done so many derivatives it physically pains her to see a variable. dont test her. ur icarus rn.

idk pick better pictures-- I HAVE DIED THE SHEER AUDACITY AND HUBRIS I LOVE THIS

200% done with your crap 

Homeless man has fucking legs of steel n is gonna show off his Russian dance moves

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2019 staging of Paul Dukas’ Ariane et Barbe-bleue, featuring Sophie Koch (right) as Ariane and I don’t remember who the person on the left is rip me

Responses:

The knight who wore this into battle sure was swaggy

dear god its hiddeous

Capitalism

Knight in shining armour gone even more wrong.

ghost contemplates the safety of spiky motorcycle helmet

„Stop! He feels bullied!“

'this is my newest take for jesus's crucifixion crown ...... what do you mean they already put him up'

That’s probably a really expensive magic helmet idk. IDK-- closest

Omg I love the adventure zone!

minesweeper (windows xp)

"Okay whatever you do don't touch the shiny spiky ball" "It's so shiny I wanna touch it"

Taking down the trash way too late

IT'S NOT A PHASE MOM

Darth Vader got stuck in the freezer.... again. Leia isn’t happy

Star Wars 2030

“And here is the very latest in motorcycle helmet trends” “Look, I only came to the mall for a pair of socks “

futuristic kkk

long-suffering jewelry store attendant really wants to retire

Put it down put it down put it down

“Hmm no you should see a doctor about that”

A weird ass crown is presented

The creation of sars-cov-2: an experimental Eurotrance nightclub art piece gone horribly wrong

How it feels to want something that u cant have

AND WE WILL CALL IT—SPIKE MAN actually do you think that’s too obvious?? Because of the—yeah, because of the spikes?? See, that’s what I’m worried about. I want it to be SCARY

I know it's risky but... lube me up

?

use the force luke.

that is a weird fleshlight

When you get an ugly gift and need to find a way to get rid of it, so your family member/friend offers to smash it

Touch the orb

originally taken from: the Opera Vlaanderen’s 2019 staging of Fromental Halévy’s La Juive, with Nicole Chevalier (left, with bottle) as Princess Eudoxie, Enea Scala (center, under table) as Prince Léopold, and Roy Cornelius Smith (right) as Éléazar

Responses:

When no one comes to your birthday party :(

fantastic, day 487 of mischief and they have yet to find my masterful hiding spot

i really wonder who he thinks he's playing footsie with

Marriage crisis. Reason sits under the table-- closest but not in the way you think (after all, the man under the table IS a tenor).

the last supper afterparty after jesus left

When you order the last supper on wish

espionage at the Politischer Rosenmontag

Probably the wrong opera but is that Leporello under the table

Now THIS is a Good Friday night

this was every birthday party i went to between the ages of 5 and 11

that awkward moment when you drop your fork under the table but when you re-emerge everyone else has left except one drunk lady and the guy trying to deal with her

After the last supper

Tfw you arrive to the dinner party too early and have to hide until a more fashionable hour

When the cishets aren’t home

waiter hides from customers

Nobody: My dog every time I’m eating:

what's left of the homies Jesus had dinner with

university chem lab experiment gone terribly wrong

I’ve been under the table FOR 30 MINUTES

Set your friends up by tossing them off under the table, they’ll think it’s each other n fall in luv

Someone hids under a table

"You're about to see an surreptitious-under-the-table-dick-sucking master at work"

5 yr old me trying to eat the desert under the table without my parents finding out be like:

They never invite me to their parties!

Just another girl’s night in

Oops! Didn’t notice you the table.

dionysus - bts (2019, colorized)

just a normal episode of eric andre (eric is the one under the table)

Just a normal day with the boys

Thievery

originally taken from: the Théâtre de Capitole du Toulouse’s 2017 staging of Giacomo Meyerbeer’s Le prophète, featuring Kate Aldrich (left, surrounded by women in white) as Fidès and John Osborn (center, looking like a Jesus doppelganger) as Jean de Leyde

Responses:

Hold up, is that Eggman above Jesus?

holy disco

Looks like Tannhäuser. Our lord and saviour Richard Wagner. Now I need to be saved from that.

catholicism

me defending pineapple on pizza (THANK YOU)

jesus but hes about to be abducted by the alien ufo above him

Emmmmmmm Heaven? Idk

Lord of the rings?

ewww christianity gross

"behold, I am Important"

"Seriously?? It's not ACTUALLY pyjama day? Fuck you guys!"

Jesus at the Disco

Jesus Finds The Molerat People Who Live Under Bethlehem

disco is heaven

Want to join my new religion?

the kkk

church christmas pageant where everyone's sober but it's based on the director's fever dream

Am I the only one who sees the giant demon? Just me? Okay...

“Oh god I think I’m starting my period”

A party is held with a priest in the middle

"Let's get this secret Vatican sex party rolling!"

The new avengers endgame set is looking great!!

You know, guys, I try not to be a bother but...I can’t help but feel like I missed a dress code memo for this wedding??? It’s cocktail, right??”

Jesus visits Hogwarts

I must really stink if no one will even come close to me

the extra ass funeral i DESERVE

star wars life day

A cult at it’s best-- closest

Shrek 5, Jesus is still there I guess

originally taken from: the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden’s 2013 staging of Giuseppe Verdi’s Les vêpres siciliennes, featuring Bryan Hymel (left, standing) as Henri, Lianna Haroutounian (center, kneeling in the black gown) as Duchess Hélène, and Erwin Schrott (kneeling to her right) as Jean Procida

Responses:

When the director’s like “great rehearsal guys, just a few notes before I let you go” but it’s already 9:13 and your mom’s waiting in the parking lot

loyalist of subjects

bow before your queen

They forgot to take down the stage boxes after the Vienna opera ball but the show must go on.

somebody forgot to book chairs for this funeral

Me sharing God’s (Hayley koyoko) word on the discord server

mass execution bc the oboe solo sucked ass-- closest

That’s too many black suits I can’t see shit

I can’t even tell what’s going on here

8th grade school assembly about how it's uncool to shit on the walls at school

let's all get fancy so we can go to the opera and sit on the stage (idk this one's hard lol)

"Yes i am a time traveller, now don't freak out"

Tfw you forget to pay your lighting bills

White guys make decisions that will benefit them and screw someone that’s not a white guy over-- OUCH but that is too real (although not really in context here)

dead man gives speech at his own funeral

brotus and the boys ??? last meeting before the stabbing

high society social function ends in mass murder-- right opera, wrong scene

Someone walks into the talent show stage with a dog

Black-dressed bitches worship a man.

Worst school assembly of all time

POV:You're the window in the classroom and someone said "its snowing"

When the conductor shows up fashionably late to the orchestra concert

That's what you get for choosing the cheapest ticket option, get back in the mud where you belong

?

theyre just trying to jump into a grave at a funeral leabe them alone this is normal

oh my god he really whipped his dick out in front of everyone, this is just like in 1776 guys, except some women are actually in the room this time,

A funeral, stop wearing so much black

I want to slap their bald heads like rice

originally taken from: the Teatro Real Madrid’s 2018 staging of Gaetano Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor, featuring Roberto Tagliavini (right) as Raimondo

Responses:

Crowd “haha!! Looks like someone missed the all-black memo!! Now it’s laugh-in-your-face time! / Guy on the floor (whispering to guy against wall): go, save yourself! I’ll hold them off...”

if i leave now i wont be a witness and can tell the police i had no idea

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Guy in the back pretends to help but is to far away to even know what’s going on.

priest walks in on beginning of an orgy, contemplated joining but is too scared-

when someone brings up capitalism but you’re just trying to play minecraft

lol lets trample this guy while the judge isnt looking

Again. Too many black costumes

Loved this Dostoevsky novel

i would know if opera directors were more creative with clothing choices ngl

me on parties lol

"imma just sneak out of here while everyone else is distracted"

"Where did he get this flooring!? Amazing!"

Everyone act normal!

The tell tale heart but they got REALLY drunk

man tposes to ward off vampires after being caught undercover

boys ???? night

the priest really shouldn't have visited the insane asylum-- closest

He’s FINE everyone’s been hit by a car before

Something happens in a room.

Perks of being a wallflower

There's always that one person in the fight whos trying not to get involved when they really wanna

Oh good, they’re all posing for a Rembrandt painting, I can just sneeeeaaak out the back here...

The gamer livestreaming Resident Evil + everyone watching the stream ? waiting for him to open the door just knowing it will trigger a chase scene

Quick!

the guy t posing in the back is regretting his every decision.-- also accurate

the us senate jumps ted cruz, some other wack ass gop senator is trying to sneak away

...I spoke too soon, however this is a James Bond mission

Queers help fellow queer do math but it's a struggle

[somerpmemes]

Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist S1 Starters

Change as needed. More under the cut.

“Quick question: do you always have to play and sing your music that loud?”

“Why are you up so early anyways?”

“Oh, I didn’t go to bed.”

“So, you’re ready for this?”

“I just really don’t wanna screw this up.”

“Keeping it lean for the ladies.”

“I need to expand my horizons.”

“It was literally all you.”

“Now is not the time to be modest.”

“Let’s face it, the woman’s a narcissist.”

“Work your magic, feel the glory, in it to win it.”

“Well I’m not really comfortable with anything.”

“Alright, who wants some freshly delivered, slightly cold, mediocre pizza!”

“Could we maybe open a window or something?”

“They’re not that scary.”

“Are you sure this isn’t an elaborate teleportation device that will take me to an alternate universe?”

“I just wanna get this over with.”

“Is this supposed to be happening?”

“That sounds really sad.”

“Why are you singing right now?”

“Why would I sing to you? You don’t even like me.”

“Can I get you anything? Water? Vodka? Xanax?”

“Quick question: did you recently imbibe or inject anything that came from a “medicinal” type shop?”

“But I’m an open-minded person, I’m willing to roll with this.”

“Maybe you’re operating on a higher plane than the rest of us.”

“Child, I’m completely baked. Ain’t nothing going on in my head right now.”

“This is the first thing that I find remotely interesting about you.”

“Will we ever have joie de vivre?”

“My mom left me when I was young and my whole life has been a series of rejections from the opposite sex.”

“You sure you don’t hear that?”

“Let’s party like it’s 1978!”

“And you should really take everything I say when I’m high with a grain of salt.”

“That song is real dark.”

“Good music can make you feel things you can’t express in words.”

“Hey, not that I’m keeping tabs or anything but that’s like your fourth cup of coffee today.”

“That’s a whole lot of tmi I just spewed on you.”

“Who knows what other people are really thinking, right?”

“I’ve found in general death and dying tend not to be the best conversation starters.”

“If I show you something can you promise to keep it only between us?”

“This is the only thing that I can hold onto.”

“I’ve become a real expert on bottling my shame and pain and hiding it from the world.”

“Listen, I’m not an expert on this or anything but you can't just keep it in.”

“I should’ve been the one this happened to.”

“I think we’re just gonna have to stumble through it together. The blind leading the blind.”

“If you had the power to know what was going on in other people’s heads, do you think you’d feel guilty?”

“I’m going to be uncharacteristically honest with you so don’t get used to it.”

“I notice everything.”

“I just feel like everyone’s against me.”

“Two more hours and I would’ve gotten it, just saying.”

“There’s gonna be good days and bad days, remember? Let’s chalk this up to one of the good ones.”

“Mama needs an update.”

“No, no, don’t be flattered.”

“I view you more as a social experiment, like a rat running through a maze.”

“Sounds bougie, I’m in.”

“I'm not in trouble, am I?”

“Bottom line, please?”

“You’re yelling, bro.”

“I’m acting weirder than normal?”

“Believe it or not I didn’t really play any sports growing up.”

“This power is wasted on you!”

“Is this weird? This feels weird.”

“I gotta say, I am loving the energy.”

“I’m pretty sure nobody cares.”

“Any desire to tell me what this is all about?”

“Of course I know that song, it’s a very famous song. Do YOU know that song?”

“With great power comes a lot of nasty stuff don’t nobody wanna do.”

“I’m not NOT mortified right now.”

“Please tell me your day was better than mine.”

“Do I need to hide all of my breakables?”

“I can’t cook. You should see the inside of my fridge.”

“I guess we’ve just breezed right past the whole “knocking-and-waiting-for-the-other-person-to-answer” phase.”

“When I get inspired no doors will stand in my way.”

“Creative. Absolutely terrifying..”

“Could be cool. Could be confusing. Could be both. Let’s see.”

“And I’m kinda obsessed with you.”

“Door’s always open, honey.”

“So could everyone please act as if they care?”

“I haven’t breathed outside air in over forty-three hours.”

“Why did we come up with this stupid, stupid plan?”

“Dolly Parton is my spirit animal.”

“There are lots of reasons why people are unsatisfied, ___. 80% of it is sex related.”

“Do you just make these statistics up?”

“I’m gonna keep this one simple.”

“The only place I’m comfortable dancing is in my bedroom… closet.”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

“First of all, that’s terrible grammar.”

“I was a drum major in high school and that mess would not have been tolerated.”

“I have always found it helpful to vent when I’m feeling dissatisfied.”

“I don’t vent, I scream into a pillow.”

“You dress like a docent at a folk art museum.”

“Wow, we’re still talking about this?”

“___, are you growing as a person?”

“And the good news is I’ve been banned from the grocery store.”

“There’s been a radical shift in the way I perceive the world, you wouldn’t understand.”

“There is nothing in the world that I love more than your smile. But not if it isn’t real.”

“Don’t make this into a thing right now.”

“That term hasn’t been used in well over a decade.”

“I can see your side eye.”

“You can take the fifth and stop telling me about it.”

“Do you know anything about faith at all?”

“I think we might be vibing again.”

“Are you sure that everything’s okay with you because I feel like maybe it’s not.”

“See, that whole “leap of faith” thing really doesn’t work for me.”

“Empathy is a wonderful gift to have.”

“I have faith. You should too.”

“I recognize your tiny footsteps.”

“Okay, that’s enough gaping at the shut in for one day.”

“I swear this is the last one.”

“Why so secretive?”

“I am very aware of what a duet is.”

“Why do I even answer the phone this early?”

“My brain does not like functioning until night o’clock.”

“What’s the good of bad news if you can’t share it?”

“I love barely meeting expectations!”

“Is it great? Feels not so great.”

“I think you’re crushing it, that’s all that matters.”

“You two would be great in a female cop show.”

“Something’s going on with you, I can tell.”

“How do you do that? Really see me. No one else has the ability.”

“I’m just not used to negative feedback.”

“Care to tell me what the hell is going on?”

“Can I take a picture? I’m gonna take a picture.”

“Uh oh. Don’t tell me you’re depressed too.”

“My body’s doing all sorts of disgusting things to me like making liquid appear in my eyes.”

“It’s too gutless, it’s too passive-aggressive. I like aggressive-aggressive.”

“I just feel like I’m failing.”

“Why do you put so much pressure on yourself?”

“Wow. I just got a window into your soul and, baby, it is not a place I wanna visit.”

“Did you know I once stared at the ocean for literally seven hours?”

“How about you lead the way and I’ll just holler if I need any medical assistance?”

“You’d tell me if you weren’t good, right?”

“So, tell me some good news please.”

“Thank you for not trying to fix me or make me feel better. Thanks for just being real.”

“Why are you smirking?”

“Sometimes I just feel like I can’t do anything right.”

“Someone sounds like they’re in a good mood.”

“The world is waiting, so am I.”

“I have no interest in hanging around a bunch of 20-somethings talking about artisanal beer all night.”

“___, this is a classy affair. Of course they’ll be pigs in a blanket.”

“Now it’s time for a makeover which is literally my favorite thing to do.”

“No matter how hard I try I just never say the right thing.”

“At least let me help you accessorize.”

“I gotta admit this is kinda fun.”

“Now they just taste like water.”

“Who do we know with a hot tub?”

“You are super fun. Like sloppy, dance on a bar fun.”

“I might also be drunk.”

“I’m a mess… and emotional… also vodka.”

“Life doesn’t always go as planned. It just doesn’t.”

“Is it weird that I want one of those?”

“Yeah, nothing good happens after someone sings that song.”

“I hate when people assume I know their names.”

“So, you’re attractive and talented.”

“I can’t believe that happened, and how quickly…”

“If there’s something going on I’d love all our friends to hear about it.”

“You should probably leave this party before you burn something else down.”

“That’s almost funny.”

“I need that thing more than you’ve ever needed anything in your entire life and I’m ready to fight you for it if you make me.”

“I wouldn’t trust myself to ride that thing sober let alone now still halfway drunk.”

“The last thing I want to hear from you is another apology.”

“I really need to be mad at you right now.”

“Are you crying?”

“What? I’m not allowed to get emotional at a superhero movie? Lives were lost, ___. Ethical questions were raised!”

“He only responds in one letter. ‘K’? Who does that?”

“Just— let’s talk about you.”

“It’s hard to accept that I can’t do this all on my own anymore.”

“Wouldn’t peg you for a food court guy.”

“We are gonna be ultra professional from now on.”

“What’s the crisis? Did I cause it?”

“Can you believe it?! ...apparently you can and perhaps already knew?”

“___, are you okay? You look paler than usual.”

“You okay? You look shaken.”

“But I feel great and I’m gonna be totally fine.”

“Can you google that for me?”

“Are you seriously hiding from me?”

“I listen to true crime to calm myself.”

“Look, we both know I’m not good with feelings or emotions.”

“Mad respect for your pun game.”

“Men don’t check on men in bathrooms, it’s not a thing.”

“Well now I know you’re telling the truth because no one would ever lie about doing something that heartless.”

“Were we ever even friends at all?”

“Real friends have hard conversations. They owe it to each other.”

“I’m gonna get deep for a hot second so bear with me.”

“Stuff like this has been going on for a while now. You wanna tell me what’s up?”

“You’re starting to seem like a liability, man.”

“What’s the point of rising if we can’t do it together?”

“Here to pour salt on my wounds?”

“It’s all coming from a place of love.”

“It is not exactly what I expected but I’m rolling with it.”

“Watch how fast I nail this.”

“Are we talking witchcraft or just shameless career advancing?”

“I’ve got a super chill brain that never needs calming, so…”

“Was I just singing out loud?”

“Am I going crazy? I feel like I am. I mean, I don’t know what crazy feels like but I feel like this is it.”

“That’s… bad.”

“Are you fine? I mean, I know you’re not fine but…”

“Can you schedule your nervous breakdown for another day?”

“In solving one problem I’ve created another.”

“I… I don’t know why that happened.”

“Okay, yes, I’ll admit I’m in a good mood but it’s for completely unrelated reasons.”

“Okay, this is getting worse by the second.”

“I apologize in advance for whatever’s about to come out of mouth.”

“I'm really sorry. Just know, it’s not me, it’s my body.”

“That’s such a strange way to phrase that.”

“There you go, now you know. Hey, that rhymed.”

“I will go to the supermarket… one day.”

“I ruined my entire life yesterday.”

“I just call that uninspired.”

“Honestly, I think I’m broken.”

“What exactly is going on here? A creative inspiration or a massive cry for help?”

“I’m broken and I’m gonna die alone.”

“How do you go through all that suffering and not let it break you?”

“I don’t know what to do. And it’s tearing me up inside.”

“Hurt people hurt people.”

“I think it’s best if you don’t look at me or worry about and focus on what I’m thinking or feeling.”

“It can be challenging sometimes, knowing the right way and the wrong way to care for somebody.”

“Well, it’s the almost-thought that counts.”

“That’s a terrible surprise face.”

“I think it’s finally time I focus on my own happiness for a change.”

“I don’t want to talk. Lord knows that we’ve done enough talking.”

“I’m exhausted. And exhilarated. And thoroughly depleted.”

“Stay aloof, reveal nothing, keep small talk down to a minimum.”

“You’ve been there for me, I wanna be there for you.”

“Don’t smile at me, I don’t wanna look at your sad, appreciative eyes.”

“What? He’s hot, I’m weak, you do the math.”

“That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a hoodie before.”

“This would be a great place to murder someone, huh?”

“So, who’s ready to talk about death?”

“It doesn’t have to go down like this, ___.”

“You can only postpone the inevitable for so long.”

“In moments like these sometimes you have to haul out the big guns.”

“Someone better be dead or dying, I’m not in the mood.”

“I am worried. This is how I compensate.”

“I find you charming and disturbing, like a Pomeranian wearing a tutu.”

“I go big or go home.”

“Death is hideous and ugly and grotesque and wildly, wildly unfair.”

“Believe me, I’m not doing well but I’m not doing that badly either.”

“I guess we gotta face the music sometime, right?”

[mimiatmidnight]

Predictions on Baby Girl Sussex?

I’m FREEEEEEEE from finals and ready to chat with you all once again! Thank you all for being so patient, I’m so excited to dive into all your questions and give them the novel-length responses they deserve 😉

I’m assuming you mean name predictions haha, cause the only other thing I can think of to predict would be her birthday (for the record, I’ll go ahead and put my sister’s birthday, June 10th, for no reason other than I predicted my own birthday, April 26th, for Archie!). But I love talking about baby names (as you can see by the length of this post 😅), so let’s get into it.

So I fully expect to be completely taken aback by their pick. Like not even on the same planet as my predictions. Cause that’s just how those two roll lmao. But IF they’re staying in the same theme as Archie’s name, I’m expecting something that’s also short, possibly nickname-y, kind of dusty and vintage, but with a whimsical charm, just like Archie’s. I am still operating with the assumption that she will one day be Princess (whether or not that actually happens, of course, remains to be seen), so I’m trying to keep that title in mind. And also, given that name meanings appear to hold significance to them, I tried to at least somewhat keep meanings in mind. So, in no particular order:

Eloise

“Healthy; wide”

French, English

I am SO charmed by this name. If I hadn’t already decided on Elliott for my future son’s name, this name would be right at the top of my future daughter’s list. I just thinks it’s so delightfully playful yet still timeless and classic. It gives easy and pretty nicknames with Ellie and Ella, or even Lizzy (possibly to honor her great-grandmother?). “Archie and Eloise” sounds so perfect and natural to me, without sounding kitschy or too over the top with the matching. “Princess Eloise” is so deliciously perfect, it just fits together like a puzzle piece.

Eleanor

Unknown meaning

English, French

Eleanor hits almost all the same beats I mentioned above for Eloise, even down to the lovely Ellie/Ella nicknames. It’s even more royal than Eloise, with such heady associations as the legendary Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine (not to mention the American Queen, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt!). Eloise is closer to my heart, but I’d be thrilled with Eleanor as well.

Greta

“Pearl”; diminutive of Margaret

German

This one’s quite old-fashioned, but I think it’s so charming and would make an adorable name on a little girl. And fun fact, the name Meghan comes from a nickname for Margaret, which is why both those names as well as Greta all mean “Pearl.” So this would be a perfect way to honor little girl’s mama in a more subtle way.

Poppy

“Red flower”

Latin, English

Spunky yet sweet. Pays tribute to her mother’s homeland of California, while also sounding very at home in her father’s homeland of the UK. A flower name in honor of her mama’s own mama. This scarlet name would be even more perfect if the Ginger Avenger manages to make himself another little Gingette. And as I said to one of my anons the other day, “Princess Poppy” is so screeching cute I might actually combust if I think about it too much, so let’s move on.

Lea

“Meadow; weary”

English

To be totally honest, this one is mostly just because I’ve been addicted to listening to “Lea” by TOTO on repeat lately. Although “Princess Lea” might be a bit too . . . you know. Stor Wors. Even though the sci-fi princess pronounces her name differently, I think they’ll probably still want to avoid that association. Still, that song is heavenly and the name goes with all my criteria so I’m putting it in anyways.

Hazel

“Hazelnut tree”

English

Another nature name, one that I’m sure our favorite Earth Mama will enjoy ;) It’s newly popular, but in my opinion still retains that distinctive and whimsical uniqueness of a name that’s much further on the fringe than Hazel actually is. I can just picture a little hazel-eyed princess running barefoot around her gorgeous backyard, wild hair all spread out as she lays underneath a hazelnut tree. Ugh, so cute.

Etta

“Estate ruler”; feminine diminutive of Henry

English, Scottish

I suppose in response to Archie’s middle name Harrison, I’ve seen some Squaddies predict Henrietta for his little sister. And um . . . that is not a favorite of mine 😅 But if Harry wants to add his brand to his second little munchkin as well, why not Henrietta’s much more sleek and dynamic offshoot, Etta? It's got that old school feel, with also a spark of liveliness. I also love that it ties to their Black ancestry through one of the most legendary Queens of American Soul Music, Etta James.

Maeve

“She who intoxicates”

Irish

Incredibly endearing with a rich history. For my own personal use, this safer option might actually be called upon for my future daughter if I never manage to work up the courage to use my actual long-time Irish favorite, Saoirse. But for Harry and Meghan, I can’t really see them using this one. Still, I felt like I needed an M name to cover all my bases, and this is one of the few that I like. Some other honorable “M”entions (get it?) include Maisie, Melody, and Madeleine (thank you to my lovely anon for this one!).

Francesca

“From France; free man”; variation of Frances

Italian

I haven’t really mentioned middle names here, mostly because this post is long enough already and middle name combos just add a whole other level of crazy. But given the enormous legacy of her grandmother, I am extremely torn on whether Baby Girl will be getting a name in her honor. If her parents so choose, Diana’s middle name Frances, or even it’s more ornately feminine variation, Francesca, would be lovely honors for the little princess to carry. If they do end up honoring Diana, I’d expect it to be in Baby Girl’s middle name.

Violet

“Purple”

Latin, English

One last flower name for Earth Mama Meghan. Violet was my top pick for Archie when he was still the mysterious Baby Sussex, but though it has since fallen from my top spot, it still is a lovely, classic name of inarguable feminine grace, yet with an underlying core of strength and fortitude. I feel like Violet is a woman who ties her hair back with a soft velvet bow, but then hitches up her skirts, draws her sword, and shows the battlefield who’s boss. I just love the duality of this name, and I think it would be a lovely gift for a little girl.

Alice

“Noble”

German

Vintage, classic, girly, and solidly royal, this name calls to mind white rabbits and looking glasses. Once again, on a personal note, this might be an option for my future daughter if I chicken out on trying to get everyone to pronounce Alicia correctly. I love that name in the Spanish pronunciation, “Ah-lee-see-ah,” but I find the Anglicized “Ah-lee-sha” to be dreadful and I wouldn’t want to burden my girl with a lifetime of corrections. Anyways, Alice is just as elegant, if not quite as ornate, and in any case is much more likely for our British-American princess. Plus, what a stunning pair of name meanings to gift these two siblings: “Brave” Archie and “Noble” Alice. They sound straight out of an Arthurian legend. (Plus, how cute would “Archie and Alice” sound!)

Honorable Mentions Cause I Need To Wrap This Shit Up:

Evie/Edie (both follow all the E names I wrote about above, and Edie in particular is a modern name full of moxie that would be a great nickname for the older, traditional Edith)

Lily (yet another flower name, and I just like the sound of this one)

Spencer (another possible route to honoring Granny Diana, yet maintaining a much more modern and spunky taste than Frances, while also being less direct)

Clara (of Nutcracker fame, adding here mostly because I think I’d melt if I heard this in Harry’s voice and accent)

Lucy (same vibes as Alice and Clara)

Ivy (cute, simple, girly nature name, but unfortunately already in use by the daughter of Meghan’s close friend Jessica Mulroney)

Zoe (I have absolutely no personal connection to this name, but for some reason it just now randomly popped into my head as something they might choose, so here ya go)

So yeah! Sorry this was so long, but it was super fun! Thank you for sending in this great question. I’d love to hear all your guys’ name predictions, dream picks, and wild card guesses!

[nyaheum]

My yearly list of Eurovision songs after the first impression (I mean, for like, half of them. I heard snippets of some songs.). Judged on music videos, because...if I only listen to the songs on Spotify, my eyes get bored. :’)

(oh, and don’t talk to me about iceland’s placement, I know this might be unpopular)

X. Belarus

Fuck Belarus, all my homies hate Belarus. Not even going to grace them with a rating.

Norway (TIX – Fallen Angel)

...no. :( And it’s not even because Keiino didn’t win, I just wholeheartetly hate this song. And I’m kinda sorry to TIX, because he seems like a cool dude and his stage outfit is absolutely hilarious, but oh my god do I hate this song with an absolute burning passion.

Poland (RAFAL – The Ride)

eye emoji mouth emoji eye emoji – well, this is a non-qualifier if I’ve ever seen one. Can we just...skip this?

Belgium (Hooverphonic – The Wrong Place)

Nap time! This song annoys me. I cannot explain it, but it gives me a headache and my whole body is revolting against this song. I am not kidding. Objectively, I don’t even hate it, but there’s just something about it...that makes me go...hnghgng…

North Macedonia (Vasil – Here I Stand)

eye emoji mouth emoji eye emoji ver. 2 – I am not trying to sound mean, but does North Macedonia do any music that is not dramatic power ballads? I’m serious. (And I don’t like it, sorry. :((...except for the high notes, I like them. When he can hit them live.)

Estonia (Uku Suviste – The Lucky One)

This (the music video)...is soft porn. I am slightly scared of Uku. I don’t know why. But, uh...this is better than last year’s song? Still, it wouldn’t qualify under my watch, whoops.

Georgia (Tornike Kipiani – You)

He stopped yelling angrily at the microphone. :((( Nah, but this isn’t my thing. It’s great that they are doing their own thing, it’s just not really my thing...it also reminds me of a song I know, damn.

Austria (Vincent Bueno - Amen)

He looks like a german youtuber. I don’t know hich one, but he looks like one. I also canot tell if he’s 18 or 38, lol. (For some reason he also reminds me of Alex Albon, which is even weirder.)...oh, uh, the song? Idk, I don’t care for I. It’s fine.

Spain (Blas Cantó – Voy A Querdarme)

Confession: I’m probably the only person who actually doesn’t like the sound of Spanish all that much. Whoops. Apart from that though, I’m not the biggest fan of this song. Can’t really say more about that. Meh.

The Netherlands (Jeangu Macrooy – Birth Of A New Age)

Listen: I really like the tone of this voice. It’s great. I am not a fan of the song. There’s something just very off about the loud percussions (?) in the background that make me go absolutely crazy when listening to this. My sensory-overload-prone ears hate it, and I’m sorry...the part before the last chorus on the other hand I love. The whole song could have sounded like that and I would have loved it. (...and I can’t unhear “You are my broccoli – You know my broccoli!” ;-;)

Azerbaijan (Efendi – Mata Hari) Whenever I see Efendi, my brain still goes “Cleopatrrrrra!”, oof. This song sounds like a song I know. Which...is super unprecice, but I genuinely don’t know which one. I do like that they kept the weird pre-chorus thing from Cleopatra (and reference the song later on), but I must say that I liked Cleopatra more...but it’s a party song, so I think it will be fun on stage!

Romania (ROXEN - Amnesia)

I didn’t like her song last year, I don’t enjoy this all too much and I’m kinda sorry but also...I don’t want to apologize for my taste in music, lmao. I want her hair though. Give me her hair.

Denkmark (Fyr & Flamme – Ove Os Pa Hinanden)

Ring ding ding, native language bonus. This is also way more fun than I thought it would be, hah. VERY retro, but I don’t hate that? :D (this and sweden really aren’t any different in terms of how much I like them)

Portugal (The Black Mama – Love Is On My Side)

I can appreciate this. I just wish it was in Portuguese, honestly. I don’t really know if I like the English for this song. That being said, I don’t know if you can make these very specific tones (you know what I mean) in portuguese without it sounding super off, so…

Ireland (Lesley Roy – Maps)

Okay, you do you Ireland. :D

Israel (Eden Alene – Set Me Free)

This exists. :D

Cyprus (Elena Tsagrinou – El Diablo)

Cyprus came to party, and I can’t be mad at that. I just don’t know why everybody in the YouTube comments loves this SO MUCH that they are sure that it will win if it gets the jury votes. I don’t think it’s as good as Fuego or She Got Me were, but maybe I just have no taste in party music. I don’t party. (Only if you got a 2000s playlist and some iced tea.)

France (Barbara Pravi – Voilà)

FRANCE sending a BALLAD? In MY Eurovision? It’s more likely than you think. It’s good, objectively. Personally, I don’t really care for it all that much and feel like I already know it.

United Kingdom (Embers – James Newman)

A good, modern song? In my british eurovision song? What happened on the Isles over quarantine? Are you guys okay? Did you find yourself? Have you taken your last breath (breath!) and looked at your past results? I’m impressed enough to put this relatively high, wow.

Serbia (Hurricane – LOCO LOCO)

*adore delano voice* party! Oh, and native language bonus...for a party song! I’m...impressed, actually. I cannot decide wheter I prefer this or Hasta La Vista, but I think it’s this one? The flows smoother, if that means literally anything.

Bulgaria (VICTORIA – Growing Up Is Getting Old)

*shrugs* I think a lot of people will like this. And I get that. I think I even understand it...yeah. I didn’t like her song last year either. It’s just personal preference, I think. I just want to have fun during Eurovision, hah.

Finland (Blind Channel – Dark Side)

Finland: FUCK YOU!!! Germany: Fuck you. <3

That’s all I’ll say, we know how the Finnish are, this is not surprising, lmao. (And I’m one of those children that grew up on Rammstein, so I legally cannot dislike this.)

Croatia (Albina - Tick-Tock)

Tick-tock, can you hear me go tick-tock? My heart is like a clock, I'm steady like a rock-...oh wait, wrong tick-tock! Still, really enjoy this song’s chorus – I actually enjoy it so much that it makes up for the utter loss of interest I experience once it’s over, chrm.

Sweden (Tusse – Voices)

I mean...let’s be honest, it’s a generic swedish pop song. It sounds like every other Swedish entry, and I think that bothers me. I know, that sounds kind of...weird, looking at my choices higher up in the list, but...meh. I think this will easily qualify for the Final and place high, and I am totally okay with that. It’s just not...what I wanted, I guess? :D (and i’m sorry but as a german-speaker I cannot get over the name “tusse”) (oh, and tusse seems to be super cool)

Albania (Anxhela Peristeri - Karma)

Oh, we’re going to war in 130 A.D.? Fine, let me just pack my spear and- oh, Albania has already sent a singer? Ah, well, might as well give up and just vibe.

Czech Republic (Benny Cristo - omaga)

This sounds fun. Not a winner or anything, but fun. I’ll probably still be on Twitter when he’s performing, whoops.

Slovenia (Ana Sklic - Amen)

Wait, there’s TWO songs called Amen? And why do I actually kinda like this? Oh well, might as well just accept it. (Her voice though...mhmmhmhm…yes please)

Iceland (Dadi og Gagnamagnid – 10 Years)

We just vibin’. I liked Think About Things more, but I’m very much biased here...because I’ve known that song for a year now. But this is still very good, and very on brand. (And I understand like...half of the lyrics, but I am okay with that.)

Australia (Montaigne - Technicolour)

not australia flexing at all of europe that they can hold big gatherings! D: oh, but I like this way more than last years song. I feel like Montaigne can show her GREAT voice way better in this song. (Even though her outfit and the sound of the song reminds me of the UK song that had...a dude run on the stage. I can’t think of the word for it right now.)

Malta (Destiny – Je Me Casse)

Destiny’s voice is just….wow. This is very different than All My Love, but it’s fun. The topic of the lyrics kinda remind me of Toy, and I like that…..I don’t really like the music video (especially the dancers in the colorful dresses? idk), but I’ll just ignore that.

Germany (I Don’t Feel Hate - Germany)

Confession time: I actually actively enjoy this song. Everybod is shitting on it, but it’s FUN and it has a good message, and Jendrik seems like the nicest dude ever and...it doesn’t deserve all the hate it’s getting? It’s completely self-produced and just fun. Stop being mean. :(

(...also someone on youtube said “pewdiepie” and I can’t unsee that now so fuck you >:((...no, no I don’t feel hate, just rethink your life choices)

Moldova (Natalia Gordienko - SUGAR)

What in the “Eis.de ist in der Kiste” is this music video? And I thought I would absolutely hate this song, but I actually don’t mind it all that much. It’s actually fun. Oh no, I’m splipping, someone catch me, aaaaaahhhhh….(and that poor cake dude. Is this song about cannibalism? Does she want to eat him?)

San Marino (Senhit – Adrenalina)

Catch me hum the chorus of this song at least once a day...but honestly, without any malicious intent: what the actual FUCK san marino? This is so much better than Freaky, and even though I do not believe for one second that this will win, the simple outragiousness of bringing Flo Rida to Eurovision deserves attention. (Bringing someone like Flo Rida to ESC sounds more like Scandinavia/Bulgaria, doesn’t it?)

Russia (Manizha – Russian Woman)

Not gonna lie, I miss Little Big, but at least they are sending something that’s at least as weird. I love that. Russian Rap is cool as fuck anyway, so I’m fully here for this...but I’m glas this song doesn’t have a music video, this just has to be a live performance. (Oh, and another strong woman!)

Ukraine (Go_A – SHUM)

I’m SO glad Go_A are back. But, let me be completely honest: I know why they had to change the lyrics, but I still liked the first version better. BUT I feel like the new one will grow and me and it will climb one or two places, because the Instrumental just slaps SO HARD. (Makes me feel like putting on a Cybergoth outfit and start dancing at a German industrial park, lmao.)

Latvia (Samanta Tina – The Moon Is Rising)

Does this count as my guilty pleasure this year? I loved her song last year, and this sounds similar, so...I like this too. It sounds modern as fuck (well, for Europe, you know) and I can definitely...”vibe” with that. I genuinely really enjoy this, and I don’t know why. (Even though I prefer last years drop.) A lot of “strong, independent women”-songs this year, and I’m not complaining.

Switzerland (Gjon’s Tears – Tout l’Univers)

Just so we’re clear, this and Italy share the exact same spot. I just cannot compare them at all. Gjon’s voice just takes me hostage throughout this whole song and won’t let me go. And everything that isn’t english/is in the countries offical language immediately gets plus points from me. As if this song needed them anyway.

Lithuania (The Roop – Discoteque)

Aaaaaand...dance break! Good, I just love them so much, it’s not even funny anymore. And I’ve been singing this song randomly since it came out. I can’t stop. It has burned itself into my brain. Let’s dis-co-teque right at my home! *waves arms around with no sign of coordination*

(and does anyone else feel like he’s serhat, just with a different alignment? Like, they are both chaotic, but serhat is chaotic neutral and he’s either chaotic good or chaotic bad, it really depends on the way he looks at the camera)

Italy (Maneskin – Zitti E Buoni)

Italy delivers, as they do every year. Not only do I really like this song (it is very much my genre), THIS is an aesthetic I can get behind! Knowing Eurovision, I doubt it will win, but damn if it won’t be super fun! (I am so glad this won Sanremo, hah.)

[enigmasalad]

Weddings Are Great And All But  My Mom Wants You Over For Dinner Tonight

It has been a boring day so far. Deceit was currently typing away on his fifth laptop (his personal one cause the other four are for his “business”). Remus had gotten a last-minute contract from a rather entitled older man who wanted one of his nephews or something killed. So here Deceit was, alone, bored and totally enjoying his day off. And even though he had just planned a “vacation” for them, he couldn’t get rid of the sappy loneliness in his chest. He groaned and shut his laptop because he needed a nap.

He went to their bedroom, a relaxed form of exhaustion seeping into his limbs once he entered the room. He turned his head to where Jekyll and Hyde were. The twin-headed snake was taking a nap after a rather indulgent lunch. Deceit smiled softly at the sweet creature before falling back onto the bed with his arms spread out. As he shut his eyes, he let his mind become passive, letting each thought come and go. With each thought he slowly drifted to that state between consciousness and sleep.

He didn’t know how long he was in this state, but he did know that he was now more on the conscious side. A soft, fond smile graced his lips before he even thought about it. “Hello Remus. How was the hunt today?” he asked.

 Just as he thought, an uneven pitched giggle revealed that the crazed man was indeed there. Deceit opened his eyes to meet wide green eyes that were filled with a mischievous joy, the kind of joy a child who stole a toy from a person they didn’t like had. “Boo! I thought I could surprise you this time!” Remus laughed.

“Were you about to jump on me or something?” Deceit asked, raising a brow.

“Yep! You looked so peaceful I thought it would be funny to startle you!”

 Remus crawled into bed, still in his lightly bloodied clothes and curled up by Deceit’s side. Deceit moved one of his gloved hands to Remus’s hair and gently scratched the man’s head. Remus let out a low, relaxed noise and snuggled closer.

 “Turns out the whole family was in on the kill. They gave me a large tip for not getting the floors bloody!”

 Remus paused before laughing.

 “Heh! Large tip! Heh heh!”

 Deceit rolled his eyes but smiled none the less at the crude joke. He gave a kiss to Remus’s head. Remus perked up and went to go kiss Deceit. Deceit moved his free had to Remus’s mouth to block the kiss.

 “Did you dispose of the body?” Deceit asked.

 Remus huffed and pouted.

 “I did!” “Remus.”

 Remus sighed and slumped a little.

 “I did not eat the body this time.”

 Silence.

 “Or anything else from the crime scene.”

“Good boy.” Deceit softly praised.

 Remus grinned as Deceit removed his hand and kissed him. Remus immediately and eagerly kissed back. And as usual Remus had to make the kiss filthy the second his lips met Deceit’s. They kissed for a while, enjoying each other’s presence. When they split Deceit decided to tell Remus the news.

 “I arranged our little vacation.” Remus grinned and wiggled excitedly, moving Dee with him a little.

 “Oh fun! Oh, we can use the blood money to get some things for the trip! Like toys! You know I love take two Ds at once!”

“Damn it Remus.”

——-

 “Roman get out of the kitchen.” “What? I just wanted to see what you’re doing! It smells good in here!” “Roman get out of the fucking kitchen I swear to go-don’t touch that!”

“Ow!”

 Roman huffed and held the hand Virgil whacked with a wooden spoon. Virgil glared at him and pointed the spoon at him. “Fine, fine! I’ll just go to Patton’s side of the kitchen!” Roman pouted and quickly moved over to where Patton was mixing batter.

 Patton giggled as Roman hugged him from behind and peppered his neck and cheek in quick kisses. Roman smiled and looked at where Virgil was making fresh pasta dough.

 “You could have this too, but you whacked me with a spoon! Also why are you making fresh pasta when we bought the quick pasta?” Roman had to ask.

 Virgil looked at Roman with a deadpan look, stopping the pasta dough making process.

 “I’m half Italian Roman. You fucking know this.” He said

“Well sorry for asking. Just figured with the time constraint you put on

 Patton laughed again, interrupting

 “Your mom makes the best pasta so I’m glad we’re having her recipe!” he praised.

 Roman grinned as Virgil blushed and ducked his head down. The argumentative tension instantly vanished. Patton had that kind of amazing power.

 “Anyways dear heart, what are you making?” Roman asked Patton, swaying them both gently.

“I asked Imaj what we should have for dessert this time and he asked if we could have brownies tonight so Im making brownies!” Patton replied before tasting the batter.

“Oh fuck yeah.” Virgil said while smiling a little.

 The Petrovs love pasta and brownies more than life itself.

 Patton and Roman chatted, Virgil putting his input every now and then. They talked about how Ginerva and Rosita were at the store, wondering what they were getting there.  Patton brought up how excited his boss, Adam, accepted to come as Patton’s father to the wedding. Adam was Patton’s boss, but the southern man from the Lone Star State was the closest thing to an actual father Patton had. Plus, he paid for Patton’s top surgery out of his own pocket without asking for anything back, so the definitely liked him.

Plus he threatened to shoot them if they ever hurt Patton so..

 “Is there anything I can help with?” Roman asked, mainly because he was bored

“No.” “Not really but I’ll let you know!”

 Roman placed a kiss on Patton’s cheek before rushing to Virgil and kissing his cheek. He ran out of the kitchen with a laugh as he heard Virgil sputter and went into the living room where Logan was sitting on the couch talking to Missy while Imaj sat near the corner with his ukulele and sheet music.

 “-used the blood eagle torture method to sacrifice to Odin and also get rid of people who have no honor in their lives.” Missy was rambling, probably about Vikings.

“You are very knowledgeable about Vikings in..many aspects Missy.” Logan attempted to praise.

 It was a little awkward on how it came out but it made the irritable girl grin widely with pride. She pushed her Viking helmet up so it wouldn’t slide over her eyes.

 “Well duh.” Is all Missy had to say.

“Hello Tiny! Teaching Logan about Vikings again?” Roman greeted.

 Just like that, her smile turned back to her usual irritated frowny face.

 “Don’t call me tiny! Im going to rule the freakin world one day! Im not small!” She said, which only made Roman laugh fondly.

 He remembered when he had given Missy the nickname. She leapt off the couch and headbutted him in the gut so hard he curled up on the ground. Good..weird...good times.

 “And how are you right now Imaj? Still practicing?” Roman asked.

 Imaj startled upon hearing his name but he looked at Roman with a soft smile.

 “Mhm. I think I got it this time.” He answered quietly.

“Good! Will you be playing it for us sometime soon?”

Just like that, the young teen squeaked with embarrassment and pulled the hood of his hoodie over his head.

 “Nooooo..” he quietly whined.

“Alright, alright don’t disappear on me. I’ll leave you alone.”

 Roman sat down next to Logan and wrapped his arm around Logan’s shoulders, pulling the nerd closer.

 “And how are you my pocket protector?” Roman asked. “I am well as I can be.” Logan replied.

 Ah, Logan was nervous cause this was his first actual family dinner (and the first family dinner they’ve had since all four of them got together). It’s taken him a while to work up to this moment, but they were so proud of him.

Still didn’t mean Logan wasn’t nervous about it.

 “You’ll be fine mi amor. You know mama and Mrs. Ginerva love you.” Roman reassured.

“I know this, they’ve made it very apparent.” Logan said with a faint hint of a smile.

 Roman smiled and leaned in to give Logan a kiss. Logan huffed a laugh and met Roman the rest of the way.

 “VIRGIL YOUR BOYFRIENDS ARE BEING GROSS.”

 The two men were startled by Missy’s loud shouting.

 “I can’t help you right now! Cooking food!” Virgil called back.

“BUT ITS GROSS.” “You’re gross!” “NO YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIENDS ARE GROSS.”

 Patton came in, apron gone, and hands washed which meant the brownies were probably in the oven.

 “What’s this about being gross kiddo?” he asked. “They’re kissing!” Missy huffed.

“Kissing!” Patton faked a gasp.

 Missy nodded and crossed her arms grumpily. Roman watched as Patton came over and put his hands on his hips and gave a disappointed look.

 “Boys Im shocked at your behavior. How dare you be kissing-“ Patton then grinned widely. “Without me!” With that Roman’s arms were full of his bubby, kind boyfriend and Logan’s lips were being kissed by said boyfriend. Roman laughed as Missy let out a shriek and stomped to the kitchen. Soon Patton was kissing all over his face to, each kiss slightly ticklish and with an audible “mwah!” sound. They could hear Virgil chuckle from the kitchen. Logan was smiling softly, more relaxed with the ones he cares about near. Patton got up and sat next to the other side of Logan and held his hand tightly.

 “I’m happy we’re doing this. I’ve had family dinners before but..they lacked warmth.” Patton admitted.

“That’s one thing our family doesn’t lack is warmth.” Roman said with a grin. “Indeed. You and Virgil have…exceptional mothers.” Logan agreed.

 Roman grinned and wrapped around Logan’s shoulders.

 “I wasn’t just meaning them my iridescent nebula. You both are part of this family too now.”

“Awwww Roman!!!” Patton squealed.

 The sound of the front door opening interrupted anything else that could have been said.

 “Booooooys! Missy! We’re hoooome!” Roman’s mother, Rosita sing-songed

“Hi Miss Rosita! Hi Miss Ginerva!” Patton called back.

 Rosita giggled and came into the living room.

 “Dawww I hope you weren’t mentally scarring poor little Imaj over there.” She said.

 Oh shit Imaj has just been sitting there quietly. The thing about that kid besides having almost crippling anxiety is he could disappear from people’s view despite being there.

 “Don’t worry Rosita. I don’t mind.” Imaj softly said with a smile. “This is why you’re my favorite.” Roman said.

 Immediately there was a loud, high pitched angry “WHAT?” from the kitchen.

 Rosita grinned and bent down to kiss Patton’s cheeks, the usual greeting she gives loved ones. Patton giggled and held onto her arms as she went “Mwah!” with the two kisses. She then bent down and did the same to Logan. His face went red as Roman’s varsity jacket, but he sat still and allowed her to do so, because he honestly didn’t hate it. He’s never had any form of parental love and he once admitted he liked the affection the mothers gave him.

 “I’m so glad you both are here today. Our first dinner as a whole family!” Rosita cheerily said.

 Roman grinned at his loves. They looked happy. Things were normal. This family was normal.

 “Well hello my dears. Patton, thank you for making dessert.” Virgil’s mother, Ginerva said as she too entered the living room, holding two rather thick books in her hands.

“It’s no problem! I love baking! Plus, a meal isn’t complete without a sweet!” Patton said.

 Ginerva smiled. Then she held up the book with a mischievous glint in her eye.

 “Would you like to see some baby pictures after dinner?” she asked.

“Oh my gosh YES!” Patton squealed.

“Absolutely.” Logan agreed, his own grin on his face.

 Roman gulped.

 Maybe this was a horrible idea.

———-

 “Going to the sex store~ We’re going to the sex store~” Remus sang, unashamed as they walked through the mall.

 People glared at them as Remus walked next to Deceit, arms swinging back and forth happily. Deceit has once thought maybe he should stop Remus. Here’s the thing though.

 He didn’t give a fuck.

 These poor bastards can deal with Remus happily singing the lewdest things for a small portion of their lives, even if they weren’t going to the sex store.

 A mother gasped, offended and covered her child’s ears.

 “Shame on you!” she shrilled.

 Deceit flipped her off with both of his hands while Remus held his index finger and middle finger in a V formation in front of his mouth, wiggling his tongue in between the fingers with a wicked grin. The mother shrieked in horror.

 Deceit laughed as they left her. However, Remus grabbed his wrist and yanked him back to where Remus was.

 “I want that.” Remus said, pointing into an arcade.

 Inside the arcade was a claw machine with many stuffed animals. On top of the animal pile was a plush green octopus with tiny black eyes.

 “I’m not wasting my money on a rigged game,” Deceit said.

“But Deeeeeeee!” Remus whined.

“that’s why I’m not going to.” Deceit continued, holding up a wallet that totally was his.

 Remus grinned widely and held Deceit’s hand as they planned to spend every pound of an asshole’s money.

————

 Dinner was good, as usual. Virgil was a phenomenal cook and every dish he made was some of the best Roman’s had (he wont tell mama that though). He blushed as they complimented him.

 “This is yummy! What is this called again?” Patton asked.

“Bucatini all’Amatriciana. It’s nothing.” Virgil replied, eyes averted and blush on cheeks.

“I have no idea how to pronounce that but I love it! Logan loves it! Roman does too!”

 Roman will deny he was shoveling the pasta into his mouth messily ‘til the day he dies. It never happened. No way. Thankfully he wasn’t the only messy eater in the family, for Missy was doing the same thing, but messier.

 “You did good. I’m proud of you.” Ginerva praised with a soft smile.

“Whatever.” Virgil said, faint smile on his face at his mother’s praise.

 “So how is the wedding coming along?” Rosita asked with a smile. “We found a venue. It has a garden area that looked rather appealing to us so we’re planning the ceremony will be there. The reception will be inside.” Logan found himself effortlessly saying to Rosita.

  Roman was so proud of him and judging by Virgil and Patton’s smiles they felt the same.

 Imaj smiled, looking a bit excited at all this wedding talk.

 “I like gardens. They’re quiet and yet they’re lively.” He said, his approval and delight making the four men internally sigh in relief.

“Fuck gardens.” Missy grumbled as she stuffed pasta in her mouth.

“Marietta Ursa Petrov, you will not swear at this table. Do it again and you’ll be grounded.” Ginerva warned sternly

 Missy huffed but nodded, shoving more pasta to get everyone’s eyes off her. Ginerva turned to Virgil with stern eyes as well.

 “You too Mister. I know what a mouth you have.” “Yes mom.”

 Roman snickered at the scolding.

 “Oh! Remy got us measured for our wedding outfits a few weeks ago!” Patton cheerily said, changing the topic.

“Im so jealous of you boys. Friends with a famous fashion designer and won’t even get me a dress.” Rosita teased.

 Roman chuckled.

 “Mama he’d freak if he got to make you something. He’s our very own Edna Mode.” He said.

“Good to know! He better not hit me with a rolled-up newspaper or have heavy security in his studio.”

 Yeah dinner was nice, but afterwards was downright embarrassing. You see, Roman was convinced Miss Ginerva forgot about the baby pictures. He was so wrong.

 Logan and Patton sat on both sides of Ginerva as she pointed to pictures. “-on that Halloween I tried to get Virgil to be a cat or a witch or even Wednesday Addams. Whenever I’d propose an idea, he’d pout. He insisted he wanted to be Elton John for that Halloween, specifically Elton in the Im Still Standing video.”

 And for sure there was a picture of a small Virgil standing next to Roman, who was dressed as Hercules from Disney’s Hercules in Elton’s iconic outfit. On the other side of Virgil was a kid dressed as a garbage can who looked almost exactly like Roman.

 As embarrassed as he was, Roman smiled to see the picture of Remus, back when the three of them were the best of friends. Innocent.

 “Oh, and this picture didn’t turn out the way we wanted it. Rosita sneezed so the boys started crying.”

“I’ve said I’m sorry at least once a year since then Ginerva! Get over it!” Patton giggled at the picture of Virgil in the middle of Roman and Remus in a purple onesie crying. Roman was in a red striped overalls outfit sitting up and crying just as hard. Remus was in the same outfit but green and he fell back as he cried. It was adorable.

 “Mom please stop.” Virgil weakly pleaded, hood pulled over his face.

“Hush. They need to see these.” Ginerva said with a laugh.

They avoided pictures of Virgil’s father, who just up and left one day to go back home to Russia without a word. A slightly angry aura surrounded her, but she pushed on.

 “Oh, this is Rosita’s favorite!” Ginerva pointed out.

“Is it the play time one? Oh my goodness I love that one so much! Their chubby cheeks and tiny hands aaah!” Rosita squealed with a grin, getting up from the armchair and hurrying over.

“Mama stoooop.” Roman groaned.

 Logan gave Roman a look that suggested yes, this was indeed blackmail material. Roman flipped him off, only to be whapped lightly from his mother.

Damn you Logan.

 The photo had a “castle” made from cardboard boxes. Inside the castle was a grumpy, if not bored looking Virgil with a plastic princess tiara on his head and a bright pink princess dress over his black sweater. Roman had a plastic crown and pointed a foam sword at Remus, who had devil horns and fairy wings on. That was the closest they could get to a dragon.

 Rosita smiled wide, but it held a small bit of sadness. Roman knows, cause he feels the same way.

 “Ugh this one?” Virgil grumbled, looking over.

“You guys are adorable! I love your princess costume!” Patton cooed. “It was Roman’s.”

Roman laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck.

 “CUUUUUTE!”

 Rosita was telling the story about that day, but Roman found he wasn’t listening. He just stared at Remus in the photo, his grin wide and his hands bared like claws. His eyes filled with his usual mischief. He always wanted to be the villain or the monster. He remembered a time when Remus built a city out of blocks and toy cars and proceeded to stomp through it and making monster sounds, making Roman laugh at his brother’s silliness as he altered between making noises or pretending to be the shrill voice citizens of the town either being afraid or just saying the weirdest thing like “Dang it I left my pudding at home and now my pants are on fire!”.

Memories came rushing. The times they tried to do a secret handshake but could never remember the steps. The times they slept over at Virgil’s home with red and green matching pajamas and sleeping bags. The times they’d fight over the last homemade churro and forced to split it and apologize. When Remus would come to him when he had horrible nightmares of terrible actions his mind told him to do and he’d cry while hugging Roman tightly, who would cry cause his twin was sad. The gap-toothed grin Remus would give him as they planned to do some mischief and even sometimes dragging Virgil into it. Their red and green “brothership” bracelets they wore until they broke.

 “Im going to the bathroom. Don’t start dessert without me!” Roman suddenly blurted out, leaving the room and rushing quickly up the steps to the upstairs bathroom farthest away from the stairs.

 He locked the door and turned the fan on. He let out a shuddered gasp and pressed his back against the wall.

“You’re fine Roman. You’re fine. You’re with your family, your loves are enjoying themselves. Don’t ruin this for them. You’re fine.”

 Suddenly a sob escaped his lips. He couldn’t stop it. Oh god he was a horrible person. A fraud.

 He was the one that abandoned the other two members of their little musketeer group just for some ill-deserved attention by horrible people.

He was the one who pushed his brother away, insulting him and ignoring him when Remus didn’t understand what he did wrong.

He was the reason Remus was gone, never able to attend his wedding, to see his loves or be part of their growing family and instead out there doing who knows what. Was he even still alive?

His loves had poor choice in men, since they were marrying him.

His mother was a fool to love him because he was a horrible son.

 His fault.

His fault!

 A knock interrupted his thoughts.

 “Hijo I know you’re in there.”

 It was his mom.

 “I’m fi-“

“Open the door Roman.” She said, usual sass or warmth in her voice gone.

 Roman gulped and unlocked the door. He opened it for his mother to come in. She stepped inside and locked the door behind her.

 “Roman, my sweet baby.” She cooed comfortingly and cupped his face, which was wet with tears. “Lo siento mama. Lo siento!” he sobbed, burying his face in her shoulder.’

 She stroked his hair as he sobbed and shushed him softly. He gripped her white blouse and sobbed, feeling like a child again, guilty for doing something wrong.

 “Lo siento. I’m sorry! I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for turning those pictures into sad memories!” he cried.

 It felt like a million eyes were glaring at him, a phantom hand was gripping his throat. Harsh voices whispered his guilt over and over and over until he was dizzy.

 “Hijo it’s not your fault.” She whispered.

“But mama it is! I’m the reason he’s gone! I’m the reason family dinners feel so empty! I’m the reason I split our family apart!”

“Roman.”

 Rosita’s stern voice made him push back to look at her. Her green eyes stared into his blue ones, filled with tears, but held a strong determination and a love he could never comprehend.

 “Roman, it’s not your fault. Yes, you’ve made some mistakes, but it’s not your fault.” She said firmly, wiping his tears away with her thumbs.

She sighed shakily and frowned, which was never a good look on his usually happy mother.

 “It’s mine.” “Mama how could y-“ “It’s mine because I didn’t do anything. I didn’t guide you to make better decisions back then, like a mother should.”

 Roman’s lip wobbled, god he was an ugly crier.

 “It’s my fault that I was so focused on fixing Remus because I was scared for him that I didn’t even think about how he felt or wanted. Yes, your brother’s actions were troubling, deeply so, but I did nothing to help him. I did nothing to understand or support him. And now, its my fault for having you endure so much guilt.”

 It was quiet for a bit. Too quiet.

 “You may never stop feeling that guilt, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you carried this with you for so long. But honey, I’m so proud of you!” Rosita said with a wobbly grin.

“What?” Roman shakily asked.

“I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and making a change. I’m proud of you for making things right with Virgil. I’m proud of you for being such a hard worker, and an amazing dreamer. I’m so proud of you for being a kind and determined man who puts everything into what he does.”

“And honey, I’m proud of you for being a good lover. For being true to yourself even though its scary. I’m proud of you for saving Patton from those god-awful people and supporting Logan during this dinner cause I know he was nervous. I’m proud that you and Virgil and Patton and Logan love each other so much. That despite polyamorous marriage not being legal here, you all said fuck it, cause love conquers everything.”

 Roman whimpered before sobbing again. He may never get over the guilt, but with time he can move on. He was so fortunate to have people who he loves with all his heart, and they love him with theirs. He had the best family and the best friends, even if it was hard to see that at times.

 He had the best mother.

————

“Why don’t we break it?” “Remus we need to remain as anonymous as we can.” “Boo!” “Do you want this octopus or not?”

 It was their last dollar out of like, three hundred. They took a break ‘cause they got hungry, but they came right back. Remus watched, eyes looking between the claw of the machine game and his love’s concentrated and yet frustrated face. He looked like he was about to scream “YOU LOSE! Good DAY SIR!” in a shrill tone.  The claw once again picked up the green octopus. Its floppy tentacles hang limp as the claw started to slowly move over to the little dispenser chute. It suddenly slipped through the claw’s metal arms.

 “NO!” they both almost screamed.

 Ah, but a miracle has happened! One of the octopus’s tentacles was caught on the claw! The claw moved over the chute and dropped the plushie down into it. “YEAH!” Remus cheered, hearing a startled yelp from someone.

—————

Roman came down with his mom, face clean and no longer blotchy. He smiled as he saw his family still sitting downstairs. They turned to him and Patton grinned, looking relieved. Logan and Virgil just stared at him like he had done something stupid.

 “Dude I can’t believe you got your hand stuck in the faucet drain. What were you doing?” Virgil asked.

 Roman turned to Rosita, who grinned. Oh, his mom made up an excuse to check on him, which was nice, but still that’s embarrassing. He came up with a lie to not seem like too much of an idiot.

 “I was washing my hands when one of mama’s earrings she left by the sink went down the drain! I had to rescue it! It was her favorite pair!”

“Well now that you rescued the earring, we were gonna have brownies and watch Frozen 2! Interested?” Patton proposed.

“Definitely!”

 Roman felt so much better. He sat down on the couch with Virgil pressed against his side and Logan’s head on his shoulder. Patton came back with brownies for everyone and gave Roman a peck on the lips as he gave Roman his treat. Rosita and Ginerva argued over how Disney Plus worked, only for Logan to instruct them carefully. As Ginerva got the movie set up, Imaj sat down on the floor with his knees drawn up in between Patton and Virgil, happily nibbling on his brownie. Missy walked over and crawled into Roman’s lap, still looking irritated, but there was a shy plush on her face. He decided not to say anything and just ruffled her hair. She smiled a bit at that. Then, she grinned a mischievous grin that reminded him of when Virgil jump scared them as a vampire last Christmas and..someone he used to know.

 “I hope Olaf dies.” She said.

 Patton and Rosita gasped in horror as Virgil laughed loudly.

———-

 “What are you going to name it?” Deceit asked Remus.

 Remus looked at the cute octopus in his hands.

 “Can Mr. Squishyboo join your tea party Roman?”

“Yeah, but he can’t poison the tea this time! Ms. Fluffybottom got sick last time!” “Fiiine. Then you can’t call him a squid. He’s an octopus!”

 Remus smiled softly down at the octopus’s happy little face.

 “Squishyboo jr.” he said.

“Oh thank god. I thought you were going to name it hentai.” Deceit sighed.

“Oh! His full name is Squishyboo jr Hentai Lokir!” Remus laughed loudly.

“Do not use my last name for your stuffed animal.” Deceit huffed.

 Remus giggled and kissed his love’s forehead. They walked hand in hand out of the arcade, past Pac-man games and children giggling and playing ski-ball. They were near the entrance when a man with a pink Sailor Moon T-shirt stopped them for a moment.

 “Oh my stars I love your Invader Zim crop top sir!” he said, Irish accent prominent.

“Thank you! I love your anime titty lady!” Remus greeted back as they left, Deceit snickering and squeezing his hand with affection.

——-

 The man just blinked for a moment before noticing his phone was ringing. He smiled and answered it.

 “Heeeey babe! How’s your like, family reunion going?” a voice spoke from the other end.

“ ‘ello Remy. Its going fine! Mum, Mama and Dad want you to come next year!”

“Maybe I will go. Like, making wedding stuff is okay, but like, when its for your friends, it sucks. Like, I know im the best bitch in this business, but it has to be so perfect they cry.”

“You are the best Remy. They wouldn’t ask you if you weren’t”

 A laugh on the other end.

 “This is why I love you Emile, my little piece of Picani pie.”

 Emile Picani giggled.

 “So, what are you doing now?”

“I’m about to set a high score on the DDR machine. I saw they had some Miku songs and I wanted to try them!”

“Fuck yeah Miku. Hey, face time me so I can see you like, totally shame on everyone’s scores.”

[klaumiel]

You are all I’ve got, Austin.// Chapter 2: Mama Knows Best

I was sitting in my favourite armchair in my parent’s house, sipping tea and chilling like every other Saturday morning. She makes the best tea in the world, like a magic elixir for all my fears and problems. Checking my phone every few minutes, I looked at my mum sitting on the sofa focused on filing her long red nails. She is beautiful as always, so classy and sophisticated, with her beautiful long black and curly hair, big brown eyes. She looked like a proper lady in her brown pencil skirt and white shirt neatly pushed inside, long legs like a model, nobody can tell that she just turned fifty-two. She was glowing. And yet, there was this familiar sadness in her eyes, I’ve seen it so many times, this look when she stares in the distance lost in her thoughts, hurts me every time seeing her like this because I know exactly what it means.

Dad promised her that this will be his last deployment and he will retire so they can finally live their lives the way they wanted, but he said that last time as well and one before that. She knew that he always wanted to reach the Captain rank, and she let him follow his dreams. Even if that meant leaving us for months every year, missing Christmas, birthdays and challenging times. He got promoted four years ago and finally, after over thirty years in the army, he had his dream job. My mother never complained, she loves him too much, after all, he was her first love her ‘hero’ as he always calls him.

She was devoted to her work as a music teacher, that always helped her in worse times, we grew up with her beautiful songs and a voice of an angel, her powerful cante flamenco only proved how magical and emotional music can be.

It was tough for her to leave Sevilla, her family and friends, but she did it for love, for my Dad. My grandmother was against it, but she did it anyway. A nineteen years old music student with no language or money, completely alone only a handsome soldier that she fell in love with a few months before. She knew that she will have a beautiful life; she took a risk, and it paid off. Well, that’s what she uses to tell us, was it really what she always dreamt off? Being part-single single mother with two kids, praying every day for her husband to come back in one piece and not in the wooden box? I think she tried so hard to convince herself that in the end, she believed it.

She is the most caring and loving person I know, always two steps ahead of us catching us before we fall, still supporting even if what we are doing it’s just stupid and illogical.

We didn’t give her a hard time as kids, as twins, we naturally looked after one another without even thinking about it, if one was in trouble or going through a hard time the other one always knew. It always freaked me out how this is possible that being somewhere else I can still feel Shaun’s emotions and vice versa. We are the same in every aspect, like the same things, react the same way to everything.

‘Maya!’ She snapped me from my thoughts ‘I asked you if you want more tea and some cake? Lemon cheesecake your favourite.’ Did she just said lemon cheesecake !?

‘Oh my god, Mum! You don’t have to ask twice. You know that I would die for it’ She laughed and walked to the kitchen.

I looked at my phone again. Just a few silly messages from Gemma describing Greg’s best bed tricks. I swear she will eat this poor guy alive! After a few conversations with Greg, I convinced him to give her a chance, he finally understood that we can’t be together as the feeling wasn’t mutual.

They went on a date a few days after, and now they are inseparable, I felt a little guilty that I left this for so long I could’ve pushed them earlier to try.

I called Gemma while my mum was in the kitchen.

‘Hey, girl! What’s up?!’ She answered I could hear Greg in the background; I guess I just disturbed something. Did he just moan?!

‘Nothing much, I’m just chilling here with my mum and wanted to check how are you doing, but from your texts, and what I can hear I guessed you are nice and comfy whenever you are’ I laughed

‘Well, I’m with Greg … I had to pull him away from work, he spends way  too much time working on things that don’t matter, he needs to relax, reports and taxes can wait until Monday I am more important right now’ she giggled

‘You know he is a workaholic, but I can see you are doing a great job in changing that, I’m glad to hear it. ‘

‘And how is your prison bae? Did you decide if you are going to visit him? I thought that was your plan for today, to surprise him. Did you chicken out?’ I checked if my mum wasn’t coming back from the kitchen, and I lowered my voice.

‘I didn’t chicken out, I called yesterday, but I was late for booking. Plus I am not sure if surprising him is a good idea, maybe I should discuss this with him first ‘ I saw my mum coming back from the kitchen.

‘Is your call girl, you know him better, but you have to make up your mind. Six weeks of only texting and sending hot pics is a long time. You are long overdue for the next level. Just don’t get too invested if you are not sure if you want to make a move, plus is not like you two have much of a future… I think you should look elsewhere is pointless to waste your time on him at this point, he has no future ’ Not much of a future ?! Waste my time?! What the hell was that about?! I was just about to call her out, but I saw my mum in the living room pouring tea and putting three plates on the table.

‘OK, Gemma, I have to go. Have fun, just make sure you can walk on Monday. Sara is only waiting for a chance to shame you in front of everyone…Bye’ I hang up before she could answer. I couldn’t believe that she said that. What got into her? She was very salty about the whole Austin situation from the start, and recently she avoided me. Just talking about herself and Greg. Even in the office, we didn’t chat as much as we use to. I was puzzled and hurt at the same time, that was so mean and entirely not like her.

I tossed my phone on the table with anger, and I was just about to dig into my cheesecake when I heard a doorbell.

‘I will get it Mum!’ I run to the door, I knew it was Shaun I could feel it, smiling from ear to ear, his black curls wet from the rain falling in his green eyes.

I am always so happy to see him, my little brother. Well, three minutes difference, but still, he is younger than me, and he hates it.

‘Hello, sis! I think I need a towel is absolutely lashing out there’ He said, shaking his wet hair while coming inside.

‘Here it is sweetheart, just in time, cake is on the table.’ My mum always two steps ahead, always prepared. She hugged him and dried his head with towel messing his hair up.

As soon as we sat down, I heard my phone ping. A familiar tune that made me smile each time I heard it. It was him! Of course, it was, I didn’t talk to anyone else there. I grabbed it as fast as I could, Shaun and Mum were busy chatting about some series on Netflix that I didn’t see, so I took the opportunity to focus on the conversation with Austin. He had a shitty day, so I decided to cheer him up a little. I’ve sent him a picture of me holding a tray with the pie that I’ve made the day before from the recipe he gave me. I was covered in flour from head to toe my hair was all messy. He joked about the mess I made in the kitchen. We talked about our favourite desserts, we had the same taste, so it wasn’t surprising to me when he said that lemon cheesecake is also his favourite. It was a short conversation, his time in the library was over. He kept his phone there, in one of the books.

I was happy to have at least this ten minutes with him. Made me feel better that I managed to cheer him up a little bit, he was a bit tense lately. I had a feeling he is hiding something, but I didn’t want to push him.

I’ve put my phone down, and I saw Shaun and Mum staring at me.

‘What?’ I asked nervously looking around myself to see what they are looking at. ‘Did I spill some tea? ‘

‘Who was that sweetie?’ My Mum smiled at me ‘Was it Albert?’ Why would she think it was Albert?

‘No, why you think it was Albert? I didn’t hear from him for weeks, plus we left it as they were. I don’t want to waste my time on him. I don’t even know when he is coming back, could be months. I made my decision, one soldier in the family is enough. I want my man to be next to me every day. I am not strong enough to go through the same as you’ her smile dropped instantly. Fuck! My big mouth again! ‘ Mum I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..’

‘It’s ok love, I know what you mean, and I fully understand it’s not an easy life, and if you don’t feel like he is worth that kind of commitment you shouldn’t waste your time and wait for him. I stuck with your father because he was the one, still is but if you don’t feel like Albert is that’s only fair’ she paused for a second, and her smile came back ‘ So if not Albert who was it then? You were smiling and giggling the whole time. I didn’t see you like this for a long time.’

She was right, I didn’t feel like this for a long time, this whole Luke situation messed me up pretty badly.

‘It’s nothing, is just a guy from Lovelink that I am chatting with. Really, not a big deal’ She didn’t believe a word I said. Shaun shoot me an angry glance. Mum always knows when we are lying.

‘You are not getting away with this, not this time, you just blew your cover by giggling like mad! He knew about Austin, I told him everything, and I felt like it is time to share it with mum. At this stage, I was too deep into this, and she already knew that I am hiding something. We never had any secrets in the family, we made a promise that we need to share everything so we can help each other when we needed, and I didn’t want to break it.

I looked at my phone again and saw the last message from Austin.

“Bye messy pie ’’

I smiled. He is so fucking sweet, sometimes. Took a deep breath.

‘OK, I will tell you but please don’t freak out.’

She poured more tea to the mugs sat comfortably on the sofa, put her hands on her knees. She was ready, that’s what she thought, but she wasn’t.

‘About six weeks ago I matched with this guy, Austin Russo. I wasn’t sure at first, but I swiped because he intrigued me, I saw something interesting in him. See for yourself.’ I showed her his profile picture and the one he sent me a few weeks ago with his pop. I kept shirtless to myself.

‘Wow, handsome man. So far, so good.’ God, she is so not ready for that. Shaun smiled, he knew I was shitting myself, I didn’t want her to know.

‘Well, we really clicked, not right away. In the beginning, I thought that he is a bit of a prick, rude and arrogant, but he started to open up and … we were texting every day, getting to know each other. He is a bit rough around the edges but is getting better. I think I am bringing his soft side now. You will like that… he is a poet.’ I had to start with the right things, prepare her. She loves poetry.

‘Oh, that’s so romantic. You seem to like him.’

‘Yes, I do. I feel like we have a connection, even tho we’ve been only texting, we didn’t really meet in real life yet, but we have something special.’

‘ He didn’t take you for a date in six weeks? Why? That’s a red flag sweetheart ‘ Fuck! Here we go. Just say it! I looked at Shaun, begging for help, but he nodded reassuring me. I took a deep breath and looked at my Mum. My mouth was dry as sand, I took a big sip of tea, brushed my hair nervously She is going to flip.

‘Mum, we couldn’t go on a date because he is in prison’ My heart pounded in my chest, I  desperately searched for her reaction. She had a poker face, but I knew she was shocked, she didn’t say anything because she knew this is not all ‘He was falsely accused of murder seven years ago.. he is innocent, but there is not enough evidence to prove it.’

She didn’t say anything, just looked away then down. I felt my eyes filling with tears. She is disappointed, she won’t even look at me. I caught Shaun looking at her. Finally, she said quietly slowly bringing her eyes back to me.

‘Well, this was unexpected.. how long is his sentence?’ Mum was very serious, but I could see that she cared, she was worried. There was approval in her piercing brown eyes. That approval that I needed right now.

‘He is on the death row.’ I nearly whispered, looking at the floor, tears flowing. I felt horrible. On one side, my mum, always wanting me to find a good Nobel man and have a perfect family, one that we never had. And on the other side Austin, the not ideal partner for her perfect daughter, another criminal

‘Oh my god, sweetie.’ She sat on the floor next to me, took my hands in hers and looked at me ‘Are you hundred per cent sure he is innocent?’

‘ Yes, I believe him.’ I whispered

I told her everything. How Austin and his pop ran a chop shop together, how his half-brother Bennie started using heavy drugs and his father kicked him out, so he decided to take them down with his new gang; they got into a fight and Bennie tried to shoot Austin but his pop pushed him away and took the bullet. Bennie and his thugs knocked Austin down and left him next to his dead father with the gun in his hand. Unfortunately, this was enough evidence to prove him guilty and sentenced to death.

I didn’t even notice that I was crying like a baby the whole time. I must’ve looked pathetic.

‘ I know that you think I must be stupid, he could be lying and just playing me, but I really have feelings for him. I can’t even explain it. I believe him, he would never kill his father, he loved him, I could feel it from the way he spoke about him.’ I took a deep breath trying to calm myself ‘I saw his rough side when we started talking, but now he is a different person…  he opened up ‘ Suddenly all the thoughts of losing him went through my head

‘Mum... I have to help him … I don’t know how but I can’t let him die.’ I felt her arms wrapped around my shoulders when she squeezed to sit next to me. She wiped my cheeks and lifted my chin.

‘ Sweetheart, I would never think you are stupid. Love is never stupid, I would’ve been a complete hypocrite to think this way. You are my daughter, my whole world, and I love you with my whole heart. You are exactly like me when you fall for someone you fall deep. I can see that you care about this boy. And your golden heart won’t let you just leave him like that.  Maya, if you believe he's innocent, I trust you’ She pointed at my phone ’ I don’t see a murderer in him, there is good in his eyes. And what’s most important you see a good person in him, you gave him a chance because you knew is right.’ Her expression softened ‘ We better start thinking about how we can help him.’

Shaun sat on the sofa, resting his head on his hands, suddenly he got up.

‘Sis, we will figure something out. There must be a way to get him out of this, talk to him see what you can learn. I’m sure he knows what to do but is holding back, is too proud to ask you for help. He is too young and definitely not ready to die…Listen… Dad will be back in a few weeks maybe he can pull some strings, in the meantime try to convince Austin to let you help him.’

I wasn’t expecting my mum to understand, but she saw something more than just a stupid girl falling in love with the guy who most likely will never see the outside world before saying goodbye to it. She felt my determination and will to get him out of this shit, and as always she was two steps ahead.

‘ What was the other evidence apart from the gun?’ She asked while walking back to the sofa

‘ Partial DNA on him, which by the way is the same as Bennie’s, if we could have his DNA that would be a full match. I’m sure that would be enough to prove him innocent. I spoke with him about this, but nobody knows where Bennie is now, and police aren’t even looking for him. Plus is not easy to convince Austin to let me help him, he is stubborn, he lived with the idea that there is no chance for him to get out for seven years and now when there is a small chance he is scared, he won’t admit it, but he is scared someone will get hurt because of him again.’

‘You have to convince him’ Shaun said ‘ I am sure he knows something, a guy like Bennie can’t just disappear without the trace unless they are dead. Then we are screwed… Talk to him and don’t do anything stupid alone, you have me’ He smiled and flicked my nose

Next day I spoke with Austin about the possibility of finding Bennie, of course, he didn’t want me to get involved. How someone can be so stubborn!?

But that day, I decided that I had enough of him pissing around. After he got stabbed in the library by few of Bennie’s thugs who tried to cut his tongue, to make sure he won’t speak before the execution.

This was the point in which I drew the line, it was too much. My man was in grave danger, and I suppose to sit with my arms crossed? No fucking way! But before he managed to get proper angry he told me that we will give it ago, he had information where Bennie was last seen, he sent me an address and asked me to wait until we make a plan. He clearly doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does.’

The moment Austin went offline, I put the address in my GPS  and drove there. I looked around the place that seemed to be a chop shop. Austin texted me when I was hidden behind the fence. He was fuming, I didn’t listen to him after all, he specifically told me to wait. Sorry not sorry, darling.

We confirmed that the bike outside the shop was Bennie’s, I went to look around searching for anything useful, but then my luck reached its end together with my common sense.

Bennie found me. I had only one chance to use this to my advantage, he was meters away from me. I only needed a bit of his hair, that's all.

I could stir it anyway I could, I had him right in front of me, but no. I did the only thing my stupid mind told me to.

I agreed to go on a date with a murderer. How wonderfully clever of me. Mama will be proud.

It was the stupidest idea ever, but it was the only chance I had to free Austin, or at least save his life.

Austin wasn’t happy with the idea, but he knew it is the only way. Only one shot, he’s the only door to freedom.

We planned everything, go in get the hair and get out. Simple as that. Nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

I called Shaun, I was stupid and desperate enough to go on a date a murderer but not dumb as to go there alone.

[balkanballad]

Eurovision 2020 ranking

welcome to another year and another ranking. the last few years I used to put the songs in different categories, but this year I did that (from top 💐 to flop 🥀) AND gave every song an actual number AND added a comment. wow, so brave, I know. it’s a bit long, but here we go:

💐:

Norway: it was love at first sight and listen with this song. I connect with it, I love the lyrics, the instruments, her, everything about the nf performances. this is my very strong number one this year and, btw, the studio version is so much weaker than the live version

Switzerland: this song makes me very emotional and I love it. his voice is so lovely and with this one I, again, enjoy and feel the lyrics. I am very curious to see what they will do on stage

Australia: I wouldn’t say that I am always a huge fan of the songs with more goofy vibes and staging, but this one is a fave. I wasn’t in a great mood when I listened to this the first time and I remember crying because it was just very fitting to my personal situation. so, me and this song have an emotional connection now. also, I enjoyed the contrast that the staging in the national final gave it. it’s just.. same to everything about this song and performance. it’s also my favourite entry from Australia so far

North Macedonia: my only ‘dance’ song in this favourite category. it makes me wanna dance but in a tango and dimmed red lights way. I would also say that it made me think a bit of Switzerland last year, but I like this better

Croatia: another favourite entry that won a national final! I didn’t have a terribly bad year with national final faves. I might even say that I had a good year. anyway, a Balkan ballad :) with nice lyrics :) a bit sad and great violins :) of course I am into this. I love it

Portugal: I had this saved as a favourite before I saw the live performances and I really like that it won the national final. it’s super sweet, pastel pink vibes and my cup of tea

Finland: sweet! this makes me tear up a bit and I see a pattern this year for my personal preference: songs that make me melancholic and cry a bit. although, no one should be surprised because nostalgia and melancholy seem to always be with me

Denmark: while I was making this ranking and listening to the songs over and over, I think this song moved up the most. this is very sweet. last year was too sweet for me and I think this one is better, but on the edge to crossing that line. however, I love that we have a duet. I’m a big fan of duets. is someone going to propose this year again? this song would be at least perfect for that occasion. or maybe a bit too pushing actually.. 

🌺:

(no. 9) Israel: maybe a tiny little bit too much going on in a 3-minute song and something about it reminded me a bit of JESC songs, but I love the rhythm and I think this performance will be fun 

(no. 10) UK: it’s a good song. the breath! part makes it more interesting and I have this song in my car playlist, which means that I am not skipping it usually. however, I also came across the BBC recording and I am not very convinced that the staging and everything will be enough to secure it a high placing in the end

(no. 11) Romania: oh look, I once again connected to a song because I feel the lyrics. that is probably not the best sign with this song but oh well. I am not the biggest fan of the live version here and prefer the studio recording. maybe another bad sign or maybe it’s just the weird screaming in the back and low quality of the equipment etc.

(no. 12) The Netherlands: I don’t think that they are trying to win another time this year with this, but it’s a cute and sweet song and everyone will cheer anyway. I listened to one live recording and there he sounded amazing

🌻:

(no. 13) Armenia: maybe this would be a guilty pleasure, but it’s 2020 we are just enjoying songs. I think the staging for this song will decide how it goes because the song itself is definitely.. different and not for everyone. the studio version is a lot better than the live performance, the lyrics are a bit repulsive to me and I feel like this could slip in the category ‘cheap’, but the whole song also gives me a weird kind of self-confidence boost when I listen to it 

(no. 14) Azerbaijan: okay, so the song title made me very excited. the lyrics are.. there. I don’t think I was looking for something relatable in this song, but they are just very random to me. funny enough, I think this will be competing with Armenia because of similar vibes and because a lot depends on the staging. however, I think that this might do better because it’s more esc mainstream and has a better flow, but then again, maybe don’t rely on me when I say such things  

(no. 15) Greece: this sounds a bit like a JESC entry to me and I have mixed feelings about it. with this I am also not sure what the message is supposed to be, but I really like the instruments  

(no. 16) Estonia: hm. I must admit that I like this song more than I want to, but I don’t love it. I like the dramatic touch, but it’s not relatable at all, which isn’t necessary a factor for a good song of course. I just like having my emotional support songs and this is not one of them 

(no. 17) Poland: this and Albania are in the same semi and sound too similar, so my prediction is that only one of these two will go through. personally, I like Poland better, but even if none of them makes it, it won’t break my heart I think

(no. 18) Spain: this song feels a lot longer than 3 minutes and it might be because it’s repetitive, but I can listen to it still. just not too often

(no. 19) Lithuania: this is a fan fave, right? personally, I’m just.. not in love. I like the message, but I don’t feel the need to listen to it regularly 

(no. 20) Iceland: it’s alright. it’s there. I can’t really think about things to say about this  

(no. 21) Italy: a ballad. in Italian. ground-breaking. just kidding, I think the fact that it’s in Italian saves it a bit, but I don’t really listen to this. I don’t mind it playing in the background, but it’s also not in my car playlist

(no. 22) Ukraine: I feel like I should technically like this more than I do, but I don’t really listen to this, sorry

(no. 23) Belarus: just like with Ukraine: I think I should like this a lot more than I currently do. I also find this song a bit boring

🌼:

(no. 24) Georgia: not a fan of the screaming, but I see why it fits the song. I am not sure, though, whether this will be the year that they make it back to the final 

(no. 25) Albania: did anyone ask for the English revamp? I don’t think so, but they did it anyway. it is too forgettable for my taste and reminds me of something that they sent already in the past few years, but now it’s in English, so even less original. it isn’t a bad ballad though

(no. 26) Ireland: I know what this song is trying to tell me, but it is trying very hard to make sure we all understand it. it also reminds me a bit of a song that they would play in a disney channel film and it annoys me a bit

(no. 27) France: I might not skip it always, but it’s very repetitive and I still stand with my association of the Netflix show YOU and this (sorry, Tom)

(no. 28) Austria: my friend said that this song sounds like it should be by Sweden and I think that she is right. I never really was into that kind of vibe though, so I am not the biggest fan

(no. 29) Germany: not terrible, but also kind of strange vibes. I don’t like the lyrics (I will tell my mama whatever I want). I also think that Germany took inspiration from Switzerland last year and who knows, maybe they will finally start playing their own songs on the German radio stations and stop playing Sweden’s 2016 entry

(no. 30) San Marino: San Marino is once again bringing the disco vibes, thanks. I can’t watch the video twice in a row because it makes me feel like I’m on a trip, but good for her! I should definitely also get a little more freaky myself sometimes

(no. 31) Sweden: I’m not a fan. I was a fan of other Melfest entries though.. anyway, this is not a bad song of course, but definitely a bit boring to me

(no. 32) Moldova: I don’t hate it, and some very few parts of the melody I even like, but this is my least favourite Kirkorov produced, or written or bought or pushed through or whatever he does, song

(no. 33) Bulgaria: if everyone should find a similar partner then Bulgaria could team up with Romania this year. I find Bulgaria to be a lot more boring though

(no. 34) Cyprus: keep on running and keep on running and keep on running.. etc. etc. etc. this is how I feel when I make myself jog once a year 

(no. 35) Malta: sounds very familiar, but I haven’t figured out yet which generic pop song it reminds me of

(no. 36) Belgium: yet another year and I am sadly bored by Belgium’s entry yet again

🥀:

(no. 37) Czech Republic: to this song I imagine the scenario of a school mate, that you aren’t too close with, but he is friendly, so you listen to the songs he made himself and uploaded and then you assure him that it sounds cool and you will add it to your music collection, but then you don’t ever listen to it again. this never happened to me, but that’s the vibe somehow. it’s just not really my kind of song and it also misses a bit of a real concept and flow because, even after the revamp, to me it still sounds a bit unpolished

(no. 38) Serbia: nop. I am very much for wmn pwr but I don’t like this. I get very strong mean girls vibes from it and I don’t say this as a good thing because I would rather not get bullied. I despise the lyrics and overall, everything, but I see why one would call it a ‘bop’ perhaps

(no. 39) Russia: when they were announced I looked them up and already was skeptical. most of the time this simply isn’t my kind of genre, humour and taste, and I was right. it annoys me. I am sure, like with every song btw, there is an audience for this, but I am very far away from being that audience

(no. 40) Slovenia: I’m sorry, but I really don’t like her voice, which is not a good thing, obviously, when ranking songs. I also find the song quite boring and it is another example of songs that somehow feel longer than 3 mins

(no. 41) Latvia: this gives me a headache. I don’t understand the lyrics, the music makes me want to leave the room, it’s a no from me and my last place

[adriannaelle]

Treehouse and Chill

The Simpsons reached another milestone this year with the recent airing of its thirtieth “Treehouse of Horror” special which, coincidentally, is the show’s 666th episode. While certainly not the best installment of this annual series, “Treehouse of Horror XXX” was pretty funny. Still, even the funniest jokes in this episode pale in comparison to some of the classic “Treehouse of Horror” specials. To this day, iconic segments such as “The Shinning”, “The Devil and Homer Simpson”, “Nightmare Cafeteria”, and “Citizen Kang” are still hard to top.

So, in honor of Halloween, thirty years of scary tales, and 90’s nostalgia, I want to briefly discuss my favorite five episodes of the Treehouse of Horror series. As always, ranking articles like these are subjective and are based on personal taste. Therefore, I don’t care if you nor yo’ mama thinks “Treehouse of Horror III” was trash. It’s still going on this list!

Alright, let us continue.

Honorable Mentions: “Treehouse of Horror II”, “Treehouse of Horror VIII”, and “Treehouse of Horror X”

Number Five: “Treehouse of Horror VII” (Season 8, Episode 1; 1996)

Although “The Thing and I” was a strong first segment, I enjoyed it least in “Treehouse of Horror VII”. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the story was pretty funny, I just like the second and third stories better. However, I do have a bone to pick with the ending of “The Thing and I”. Instead of confining Bart to the attic, why not keep both Hugo and Bart around after they discovered Bart was the evil twin? I mean, the family already lived with Bart for 10 years. They might as well kept the mistake going.

“The Genesis Tub” was amusing.  It may be the creative in me, but I really enjoy the concept of creating your own world and overseeing it.  Still, I felt the ending of “The Genesis Tub” was a bit abrupt.  I feel like the writers could have done so much more with the concept of Lisa creating and ruling her own Universe. Maybe she could have assaulted Bart with more fighter pilots. Maybe she could have built a massive ray gun a la the ray gun seen in “Citizen Kang”.  The ideas are limitless.

Speaking of “Citizen Kang”, this story is one of my favorites in the entire Treehouse of Horror series.  It's a brilliant satirical take on elections in the United States and the country’s politicians.  I especially like how the writers make fun of our ridiculous two-party system.  Like really, are our only choices between a drooling, Gangreen Gang, cyclops squid, and his twin sister?  Ross Perot should have brought up Kang’s and Kodos’ emails.  That always works.

Number Four: “Treehouse of Horror III” (Season 4, Episode 5; 1992)

Akin to my feelings about “Treehouse of Horror VII”, I’m only a big fan of two of the three segments in “Treehouse of Horror III”.  “King Homer” was just a’ight to me. Granted, the segment did have a great exchange between Mr. Smithers and Mr. Burns about the former’s distaste of seamen and women mixing.  Yet overall, I didn’t get a kick out of this story as much as I did the other two.

“Clown Without Pity” is a parody of the lauded Twilight Zone episode “Living Doll”.  This segment had its share of funny jokes, particularly the line from Patty about losing the remaining thread of her heterosexuality after seeing Homer horrifically run through the house butt naked.  I also like how the key to turning off the Krusty doll’s murderous rage, is switching the lever from “evil” to “good”.  Like, what happens if the lever accidentally switches back?  What if it breaks and he gets stuck on “evil”?  Take the doll back and get a refund!  Like, what are y’all doing?!

Finally, there is “Dial ‘Z’ for Zombie”.  No matter how self-aware I am about the absurdity of my kinemortophobia (fear of zombies), I still have it.  That is why I hated this segment as a child.  But as a grown woman, I find this story very funny.  It’s a pretty simple zombie story, but the jokes strewn throughout are what make it a highlight of the series.  The joke about Homer being immune to the zombies because he lacks brains is one that stands out in particular.  Also, what are George Washington, Albert Einstein, and William Shakespeare even doing in Springfield?

Number Three: “Treehouse of Horror IV” (Season 5, Episode 5; 1993)

Choosing between “Treehouse of Horror IV” and “Treehouse of Horror V” as my second favorite episode of the series was the hardest.  Ultimately, I prefer V ever so slightly over IV, but IV is a heavyweight in its own right.  “The Devil and Homer Simpson” shows just how far our dimwitted protagonist is willing to go to get his favorite, sugary snack.  You got to be desperate as all hell to sell your soul for a donut!  Other than Homer’s enjoyment of his ironic punishment, the best part of the segment is the trial itself.  The Devil’s voir dire game is trash.  How do you select the jury and still lose the case?  Never hire this man for anything.

“Terror at 5 ½ Feet” is yet another hilarious spin on an old Twilight Zone classic. This parody of “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” stays true to the basic horror elements and story structure as the original tale, but, of course, adds its own Simpsons brand of humor to it. However, unlike the original, Bart is still tormented by the gremlin after he’s hauled off to the psych ward.  Side note, Ned Flanders really took a lot of L’s in this episode.

I’ve never seen nor read the original Dracula, so I do not know how faithful “Bart Simpson’s Dracula” is to the original story.  Well, I guess that doesn’t really matter here because this story is so funny and scary that it holds your attention from beginning to end.  From the super happy fun slide that leads to the vampires in the basement to Homer staking Mr. Burns (Burnscula?) in the crotch, this story provides many laughs that make this story a classic.  Also, the plot twist that Marge (Margecula?) is really the head vampire is funny as hell.  Sorry if that was a spoiler but in fairness, this episode is 26 years old now.

Number Two: “Treehouse of Horror V” (Season 6, Episode 6; 1994)

“Treehouse of Horror V” is solid from beginning to end.  “The Shinning” is firmly in my top five list of favorite Treehouse of Horror segments.  This segment has several hilarious moments, from Homer taking three days to make the voyage to the cabin due to his forgetfulness to the blood not getting off at the right floor, to that scene where the complete lack of television and beer made Homer go . . . something . . . hmm.  Well, anyway, I can definitely say that every time I watch “The Shinning”, I’m feelin’ fine.

“The Shinning” is not the only highlight of this episode.  Homer’s time-traveling escapade in “Time and Punishment” introduced us to numerous interesting alternative timelines that ultimately drove Homer to a pure state of “IDGAF” at the end.  Still sucks that he missed out on that donut rain.  That timeline would have smacked!  

This episode’s final segment, “Nightmare Cafeteria”, truly is the stuff of nightmares. I mean, it’s super funny now that I’m grown, but this segment used to legitimately scare me as a child.  It also didn’t help that I was a fat kid.  Like, imagine living your best life and then the next moment, you’re Ms. Wilson’s Fried Adri.  Woo, chile.

Number One: “Treehouse of Horror” (Season 2, Episode 3; 1990)

It’s often said that nothing beats the original, and in the case of Treehouse of Horror episodes, this sentiment rings true.  The very first Treehouse of Horror is the greatest episode of the series.  One of the highlights of this episode is the dulcet baritone of James Earl Jones as the mover, Serak the Preparer, and the narrator of “The Raven”.

The first segment “Bad Dream House” is a comedic spin on the classic haunted house movie trope.  The quintessential 80s style horror music that accompanies the story throughout greatly adds to the mood of the piece without overdoing it.  The conclusion of “Bad Dream House” is what makes this story so funny.  The house destroys itself rather than live with the Simpsons. I don’t know what it feels like to be curved by a house, but it must make you feel all kinds of insecure.  

“Hungry Are the Damned” is our first introduction to Treehouse staples Kang and Kodos.  It is also our introduction to the sorely missed Serak the Preparer, who definitely needs to return at least once in this series.  This segment parodies the classic Twilight Zone episode “To Serve Man” and gives us a humorous plot twist at the end.  I suppose this episode also serves as a sort of origin story of Kang’s and Kodos’ beef with mankind because this is the only episode where they are genuinely nice.  Dang, all Lisa had to do was sit down and eat her food. Literally.

Finally, there is “The Raven”, which is absolutely my favorite segment in any Treehouse of Horror Episode.  What I like most about “The Raven” is how the crew manages to add comedy to the piece without losing any of the mystique of Edgar Allen Poe’s riveting poetry.  It also made this poem a bit easier to understand, which I greatly appreciate.  It’s a refined piece of television without the pompousness of the bourgeois.  In short, I like it. 

Honestly, no matter which of the thirty Treehouse of Horror episodes you like best, all are great for watching on Halloween for squeamish, easy-to-scare people like me.  So for those of us who aren’t bravely equipped to watch the more realistic, gory, and scary productions, I highly recommend binge-watching these episodes for some softer scary vibes and lots of laughs.

[screenbrick4-blog]

Currently…

Hello, and happy post 4th of July! I hope you had a wonderful holiday!

It was SCORCHING hot here but we still managed to have a great time waving at floats and collecting candy at our neighborhood parade (lots of water trickles on heads plus suckers seemed to do the trick) then attending a friend’s BBQ later that night. There was some miscommunication earlier this week when I thought we were hosting dinner, so it was a nice surprise to be able to walk out the door and hang out at someone else’s home for the night!

These are the same friends whose 2011 4th of July party I made 66 Jello shots for. My, times have changed. ;)

I spent yesterday recovering from the heat – 9 months pregnant + 100+ heat index = taking several days to fully cool down – and continuing to prep for baby girl. Just a couple weeks left, you guys – insanity!!

These past two weeks I’ve felt like doing nothing yet everything at the same time. Although my energy levels are way down and the amount of appointments, meetings, and last minute projects I’m trying to fit in are taking up a huge amount of time, the urge to nest is a very real thing. That said, I’ve been trying to tackle one major thing each night. While Ben is in charge of putting together furniture/painting baby’s bedroom, I’m tackling the washing/prepping of bottles, laundering gobs of newborn clothes (thank goodness for one of my besties who had twin girls with very good taste last year. So funny to see pink in the dryer lint trap!) cleaning bouncers and swings, etc. I think we’ll be totally ready for her when the time comes – if only by the skin of our teeth.

All this hard work means I can spend the next two weeks focusing on these two sweet, sweet souls.

My boys of summer!

Plus prepping 101 meals for the freezer. Wish me luck.

Anyway, wanted to catch up on all things new food products / musicals / Netflix specials in today’s edition of Currently! I hope you have a WONDERFUL summer weekend – catch you on the other side!

Drizzling: Here Michigan Apple Balsamic Salad Dressing. Since my GD diagnosis I’ve been eating at least one giant salad a day, and my favorite Tessemae’s Creamy Ranch dressing started to get a little heavy. That said, I picked up this bottle of dressing at the store a few weeks ago and it is SOOOO good! Tart, tangy, full of flavor, and I love the ingredient list too. Look for this in the refrigerated salad dressing section vs the aisle.

Attending: Hamilton. Ben and I saw Hamilton last week (it’s in town until mid-July) – we’d been DYING to see what all the fuss was about! Ben’s a mega hip hop enthusiast who also loves musical theater so he was actually bopping in his chair for 3 hours straight. I’m not a public bopper but was tapping my foot the whole time. Needless to say, we loved it and I can’t recall another show we’ve seen where every single song was one to remember. I’m so proud of my city for being able to host the touring crew. If you get the chance – do NOT skip Hamilton!

Watching: Ali Wong. I recently watched Ali Wong’s Baby Cobra special on Netflix at the recommendation of a friend and literally can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Like, years. Maybe my whole life? Ben thought I was off my rocker but once I started I couldn’t stop! Do not watch if you’re easily offended about, well, anything, but if you dare, I promise you a HIGH-larious show.

Playing. The little boys and I have been heading to the backyard for a dip in the blow up pool a couple afternoons each week and like to finish up with a good 10 minute hose blasting session (my water bill hates me.) I truly don’t know who has more fun – them or me, muwahaha. :)

Devouring: peaches. IT’S OFFICIALLY PEACH SEASON, PEOPLE! Sorry to shout, but the beeline I made to the peach portion of the produce section at the grocery store earlier this week after smelling them from afar was rather impressive, if I do say so myself. Since peaches are pretty high in carbs I’ve been slowly savoring one every afternoon this week. It’s the best part of my day. (Recipe for Peach Caprese Salad is on deck for this weekend. ↓)

Visiting: Iowa Distilling Company. I recently visited the Iowa Distilling Company for a fun project (will fill you in on the details later,) and I cannot WAIT to return when I can actually sample some of the products! Great people distilling uniquely Iowa spirits with a killer drink menu, and the neatest “tap room” vibe (think 1875 general store meets approachable hipster hangout.) If you’re ever in Cumming, IA be sure to stop by and try a few tasty beverages with Kyle (the owner) + his crew. The Lemon Honey Zone is calling my name…

Inhaling: Barnana Plantain Chips. I know I just recently mentioned these Barnana Plantain Chips but they’re worth another shout out – I.am.obsessed! They don’t taste sweet nor like bananas, which is a good thing in my opinion, plus they’re thick, crunchy, and full of flavor. They feel like healthy potato chips (shrugs shoulders.) I find them in my grocery store’s health market for about the same price as Amazon. Highly recommend the Brazilian BBQ flavor.

Craving: Fresh Mint Iced Tea. I know what I’m doing with the fresh mint that’s currently taking over my entire herb garden! How refreshing does this ice cold tea from Love and Olive Oil look? They’d make the best preggo popsicles…

Quitting: The Bachelorette. Mama didn’t raise no quitter except that I’m officially closing the door on this season of The Bachelorette. Snoozeville, horrible guys with even worse real world behavior and, I don’t know, Bachelorette – I just not that into you. Bring on Paradise! Fellow fans: am I alone?

Loving: Coconut oil face wash. Not a coconut oil-based face wash, rather, using coconut oil AS my face wash! I saw this method on a fellow blogger’s Instagram account a few weeks ago and have been loving the process and results ever since. At night I massage a dollop of coconut oil all over my face (I use unrefined organic from the grocery store – use refined for less of coconut smell) then place a steaming hot washcloth on top and let it sit until the cloth is cool before wiping everything away. Takes off ALL my makeup, including waterproof mascara and eyeliner, plus my skin feels so, so soft. I never have breakouts when I’m pregnant (thanks, hormones (for once not being sarcastic about hormones!)) so I’m anxious to see if this is still a good skin solution after baby is born. For now I’m loving the simplicity of washing away the day’s dirt and grime with simply coconut oil and a washcloth. It’s the little things.

Blending: Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Smoothies. Since Lincoln is allergic to dairy and super super slim, I’m always looking for ways to fatten and fill him up. A few days ago I made him a Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Smoothie with this Silk Chocolate Protein Milk I’d recently found at the grocery store, which is high in both fat and protein (and yes, sugar, but seriously this high-fat and protein/no dairy thing is really tough) and he sucked it DOOWWWN. All I did was blend ~3/4 cup of the milk with 1/2 ripe banana and a big spoonful of peanut butter until smooth, then added ~1 cup ice and blended until thick and frosty. He and his brother each thoroughly enjoyed a glass – think we’ll make them into popsicles soon!

Pick a currently category and fill me in! 

Source: https://iowagirleats.com/2018/07/06/currently-17/

[dakotahiggins-blog1]

It’s hosted Olympics, been sung about by George and Freddie, and is home to artists, musicians and philosophers. And I’m the lucky man getting to pack my bag and go explore one of the world’s greatest party cities. It’s a tough job…

You see, here at GoHen, we don’t just pick a hotel, close our eyes and hope for the best. While not all hen companies are so thorough, we insist on visiting all our destinations regularly to ensure our hens get the best weekends and we get you the best prices.

Our Barcelona Destination Specialist Symon Stephens reports back on the best of Barcelona hen parties.

Best Bar For Laughs

Chupitos – There are just so many reasons to love Chupitos, 500 of them are the shots you can buy, starting at just €2 a drink. Yes, they have over 200 different shots available, some delicious, some ‘nasty!’ but all lethal. The décor is cool, the bar staff are really friendly, and the tunes are good. A great place to start any big night out.

Chupitos – Passeig de Colom, 8, 08002 Barcelona

Best Local Poison

Spain produces some excellent wines. In particular, there are some reds from the Catalonia region which are definitely worth getting acquainted with. Full-blooded, dark, passionate, if I was a good wine critic, I’d be using all those words but I’m not, I’m just a bloke who enjoys good wine, sitting in the evening air along Las Ramblas as he watches the world go by.

Best Local Bar

Sor Rita – Ken and Barbie dolls in sex positions, blasphemous religious icons, and more kitsch than a drag queen’s Christmas tree, this weird bar is amazingly cheap and all kinds of odd, in a good way. Playing mostly Spanish music you’ll also find Spanish drinks and Spanish snacks. If you really want to go local, this is the place to do it, right in the heart of the vibrant Gothic Quarter.

Sor Rita – Carrer de la Mercè, 27, 08002 Barcelona

Party Districts

If you’re heading out in Barca there are three main areas.

La Ramblas, the famous avenue is lined with bars and restaurants that come alive at night, it’s also a great spot to people watch.

Gothic Quarter (Barrio Gotico), home to some of the best bars and restaurants in the city, this is the place, to explore and where you’ll find the locals.

Port Olympic, you’ll find the most flamboyant and shouty of the bars and clubs here. The area is far more about being seen, but if you like clubs, this is the place.

See full package

Top 5 Things to Do in Barcelona

Spain Games – Packed full of hilarious games, it’s like your own giant game show experience.

Cocktail Mixing – Shake what yo mama gave you as you learn to make classic summer cocktails.

Private Cruise – Hit the waves and drift away on your own private catamaran. Tan-tastic!

Spanish Cooking – Learn how to cook wonderfully authentic Spanish cuisine.

Arab Baths – A simply amazing experience in these historic baths. Pure bliss!

See more Barcelona ideas…

Tastiest Treat

Tapas! Clearly. But this is the real deal, packed with flavour and the best local ingredients. You’ll find tapas all over the city, but my top tip would be to head to the Gothic Quarter and look for where the locals are dining. Grab a table and enjoy the true taste of the city.

Did I sit down, order too much but eat it all anyway? Yes, yes I did, and after so many visits to Barcelona, I really should know better!

Best Activity

There are so many to choose from but if it was me choosing (and I’m putting my hen hat on) I’d go Cowgirl Training. It’s really intense but brilliant, you get to try horse riding, lassoing and target shooting, like a real cowgirl, in a stunning location. It’s one of those experiences that you just never forget and it’s brilliant fun for a group of friends.

Read more about Cowgirl Training.

Best Way to Get About the City

Barcelona has a metro (underground) train system which covers the city from the beaches to the bars, to the best shops and biggest landmarks. Grab a Hola BCN travel card for the best deals and hop-on, hop-off travel.

Top Barcelona Tip

Shopping. If you’re a fashionista or simply a lady who likes her clothes, Barca is packed with stores and designers you won’t see back home. The Spanish love their outfits, they’re very good quality and, in particular, bags, shoes and leather goods are excellent. Not something I reported when I got home, I don’t think my credit cards could take that kind of a battering.

Anything to Declare

I am a little bit in love with Barcelona, it just has a great feel and there’s so much to see and do there, whether you want to party, shop, relax on the beach, catch a live band or catch your own dinner, it’s a city that never disappoints and I already can’t wait to go back again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #43

“i’m gonna pop your bubblegum heart.”

what do you order on your pizza?   jalapenos if it's from domino's, pepperoni everywhere else. what the kind of soda you drink most often?   mountain dew what do you think of girls sixteen and younger going on birth control?   it could be because of her menstrual cycle, in which case there's nothing wrong with that.  but if you're 16 and having sex, i have a problem with that, not that my opinion should mean much to you.  at least you're using protection, i guess. are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment?   well i still have "arthas: rise of the lich king" from jason, but i think it's pretty clear he won't get it back by now. would you ever want another sibling? older or younger? gender?   having a younger brother would be cool, but i don't want one now.  my parents are divorced and my mom's already gone through menopause. grilled cheese or peanut butter & jelly?   pb&j do you take vitamins?   no ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?   yes, even though it was a lie???  like he had a problem with me, it wasn't the other way around. will you get married?   i want to, but i don't see it happening.  if jason couldn't handle my depression, no one can. did you have a new year’s kiss?   lmao no how would you describe someone that is your type of guy/girl?   i've found more than anything, i like geeky people.  people that are passionate.  guys that will show their feelings.  i like imaginative guys, the ones that are creative and fun-loving. are you still friends with any of your exes? do you still communicate with any of them at all?   if you consider aaron and juan exes, they're both my friends on facebook, but i only ever talk to juan. do you live on your own or with your parents/a roommate? do you think you’d like to live alone?   i live with my mom (though rn i'm living with dad, long story), and no, i physically could not live alone.  depression would destroy me. how often do you typically change your bra?   ha, let's be realistic, it depends on if i'm even wearing a bra, because i'm like... always at home in my pj's.  but let's say i actually do get dressed, again, it depends on how long i'm dressed.  once i'm back home and know i'm not doing anything more, i get back into my pajamas.  other times, but rarely, i'm dressed all day.  but let's just say in the typical situation: i'll change my bra every other day or so, also depending on if i sweat or not. what is the last online purchase you made?   cheshire cat flip-flips and a "i'm just a poe boy, nobody loves me; he's just a poe boy, from a poe family" edgar allan poe shirt, both from hottopic.  ashley gave me a $40 gift card for it. is there anyone you have to see on a daily/weekly basis that you really dislike?   thank god, no. is your hair thick or thin? would you say it’s easy to manage?   anyone who touches my hair will tell you, it's thick AS FUCK.  like, to an annoying degree.  brushing it can be a nightmare just because it's so thick, and FORGET about putting it up in a ponytail.  it's mostly easy to manage just because i don't do anything special to it. have you ever had to deal with any type of long distance relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship or a friendship?   many friendships, but nothing romantic.  as someone who's been around the Internet since what, '06, i've made many friends that i'll never actually meet. do you have a place you go to a lot that you may be considered “a regular” at?   no when growing up, did your family always eat at the dinner table together?   nope. what is the greatest source of happiness in your life?   my memories of jason.  i just miss him so much.  that won't change. could you tolerate being in a relationship with someone who treated you wonderfully, but was sometimes rude and unkind to others?   let's be realistic, EVERYONE is sometimes rude and unkind...?   could you tolerate being in a relationship with someone who was lazy?   yeah, so long that trait doesn't dictate his life.  most people are lazy, anyway. did your parents read bedtime stories to you when you were little?   yeah what is something you know very little about?   politics have any of your worst fears ever come true?   oh, you mean jason leaving?   has anyone in your family gotten pregnant as a teenager?   yeah, my mom. to you, is sex just about physical pleasure, or do you see it as an expression of love and commitment?   it can be both do you change your type of music regularly?   no.  i've been a metalhead since 6th grade. ever met somebody who seem like they hated life?   oh, you mean me?  well... i guess i should correct that.  i don't hate life, i just hate my life. do you value your life?   yes and no.  like, if a bullet was coming at me, i'd move out of the way, but as i just mentioned, i also hate how my life is going. ever been called a low-life?   i think so, 'cuz i am one. do most of your friends have a significant other?   most do, yes.  a few are even married. who has made the biggest sacrifice for you?   my mama. do you think you could handle a day in jail?   maybe, seeing as i've been in a mental hospital four times, and it's comparable as far as permissions and schedules go.  it's the people i'm concerned about. do you believe that your first true love can be your only love in life?  i don't... know.  i'm not the person to ask.  i've only ever loved one man and am convinced i won't love another, sooo... what brings out the worst in you?   mentioning jason.  blaming me for what happened. do you know how many people your best friend has had sex with?   not that i've ever asked, but yes.  she tells me everything. are your boobs real?   yes.  implants have too many risks anyways. would you take your ex-significant other back?   in a fucking heartbeat. have you ever had sex on the beach?   no and i wouldn't want to because sand... everywhere...? have any of your friends died of an overdose?   it's possible.  i had an online friend disappear years ago, and i'm STILL worried about her... how many different colleges have you gone to?   two how much stress can you handle?   none what is one thing you thought you’d never do but have done or are doing?   survive without jason do you ever feel like your life is too boring or predictable?   i know damned well it is do you have to take medication for any mental illness?   yes are tongue piercings slutty?   no...? are you embarrassed to buy condoms?   i've never had to, but i don't think i'd be. have you discovered your passion?   yeeeaaars ago... meerkats. (: what’s your favorite cereal?   double chocolate krave do you read reddit? if so, how often and what subreddits do you like?   nah. what’s the weather like today? is it nice enough to go outside?   it's sleeting and snowing.  if it wasn't for the sleet, it'd be gorgeous. have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?   no how old were you when you first became sexually active?   uh, like 16-17?  still haven't had actual sex tho what's your favorite kind of bread?   pumpernickel have you ever been to a stadium concert?   no.  the alice cooper concert was outdoors. think of the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a bed?   plenty of times. have you done illegal things with your parents nearby?   download music is all. are you taller then 5 foot 7 inches?   nah son. who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?   i texted my mom. why aren’t you with the person you first fell in love with?   he doesn't like me anymore. last time you were told you’re cute?   probably months upon months ago by juan. next time you will eat?   like 30 minutes who will be the next person you kiss?   probably no one. ever. last time you were in trouble?   few days back when i talked back to my mom do you have a fish tank?   no last place you took a plane to?   ohio what is your preferred method of birth control?   abstinence.  hasn't failed me yet. do you have a hard time admitting you’re wrong?   not at all.  i always think i'm wrong anyway. have you ever made out in a bathroom?   i don't think so. would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?   i don't currently want a dog, but a miniature poodle i guess. have you ever made out in a park?   nah. is it colder than usual outside today?   yeah.  there's snow out. what do you normally order on your burger?   cheese, mustard, ketchup, pickles... have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty?   yes, and it's gross. what is the biggest flaw in your spouse/crush?   he's obviously not very supportive.  if he was, he'd still be with me. do you prefer writing with mechanical pencils or normal #2 pencils?   mechanical are you planning on dressing up for halloween?   if we have the money, i'd like to. do you ever have days where you just don’t do anything?   oh, every day? who was (or is) the teacher that gave you the hardest time in school?   none of them did.  just be a good student and most teachers are great. how do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you?   I GET SO EXCITED OMG OMG OMG do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people?   not really.  i love food too much lol what is the worst thunderstorm you’ve experienced?   hurricane floyd how often do you take the train to go places?   never are you in love?   should be obvious. are you an affectionate person?   very have you ever had a valentine?   jason was the best. what is you favorite type of lunch meat?   ham are both of you biological parents currently alive?   yeah do you like mustard?   yeah do you wash your hair everyday?   no, that's bad for you. if you were a zoo animal (i.e. lion, tiger, warthog) what would you be?   meerkat any cheesy bands that you love?   lol ludo if you could go nuts and dye your hair any color, what would it be?   gray.  mom won't let me. when was the last time someone saw you naked?   probably mom after i got out of the shower and came into my room? what is the greatest loss you’ve endured?   jason where do you like to be kissed?   lips, neck... and i think brief kisses on the hand from a guy are very romantic. do you know a hoarder?   yup. can you do a split?   nope. is anyone in your family in the army?   nah. did your mother go to college?   she dropped out when she was younger, but she's back in it now. are your grandparents still married?   no, on both sides, a spouse is dead. do you spell the color as grey or gray?   "gray," 'cuz that's the american spelling is your father bald?   nah do you know triplets?   no do you prefer titanic or the notebook?   oh GOD.  the notebook, i guess. how many times have you been to the hospital?  er: seven times, actual hospital admission: three times what religion will you raise your children to practice?   christianity have you ever stayed in a stranger's house before? if yes, why?   no do you believe in the idea of taking from the rich and giving to the poor? why or why not?   no, honestly.  the rich earn their money just as the poor earn their money.  while i understand (BELIEVE ME) it's hard to live being poor, that's no excuse to take from those better off. if you were a god or goddess, what would your powers include?   communing with animals.  maybe be a shape-shifter, that'd be cool as fuck. what are your opinions on gendered products?   explain?  like, do you mean how some toys are "meant" for certain genders, not the other?  if so, then it's ridiculous.  if your child wants to play with a certain toy, let him/her.  for example, i played with dinosaurs in opposition to barbies, and i grew up fine in general. do you believe that animals are capable of “human” emotion?   absofuckinglutely. have you ever changed your views because you were in the wrong?   yeah who do you consider “family?”   my mother, father, two immediate sisters, one half-brother, two half-sisters, my pets, and my best friend colleen.  i guess jason, sometimes. could you sacrifice yourself for someone you barely knew?   no what’s your favorite video game?   "silent hill 2"!!! have you ever experienced discrimination first-hand?   yeah, bc of mental illness. what holiday is closest to your birthday?   valentine's day are you biracial?   nah. are you afraid of shots? like injections?   shots that draw blood, no.  shots that inject medication?  fuck yes, they're agonizing. do you know your blood type?   yeah, it's a. how many times did you have to take the driving test before you passed?   i haven't taken a driving test yet bc i'm fucking lame. what do you think when a band/artist “sells out”?   i think it's rarely even a thing.  like, i'll use metallica as an example.  everyone always says they sold out, when they didn't.  are you suddenly reaching a broader audience?  good for you.  congratulations.  did you change your look?  good for you, tastes change.  now, did you change just for fame?  you're foolish. what do you think of fans and fandoms?  it's absolutely marvelous that people can come together over a common interest.  some are just... oh my GOD, so entitled (i'm looking at you, mythical beasts).  but in general, the idea of fandoms are great. should parents be their child’s friends?   ... duh? what do you think of doctor-assisted suicide?   i'm not sure on this, but i think i disagree with it. in the case of prevention of overpopulation, should some people be prohibited from reproducing?   just flat-out stupid/cruel people, but that'll never happen. you discover that because of a mix-up at the hospital, your wonderful one-year-old child is not yours. would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?   yes, BUT i'd want to keep up with the child i'd raised that year. do you trust anyone to protect you? who, and why?   my parents, because they're my parents. if you had a death note (like the anime), would you use it?   ... fuck me, yeah, i would. when did you start discovering your own music taste? what was it?   middle school.  heavy metal. describe the ultimate hell.   hearing jason say he didn't love me anymore one more fucking time. are you able to kill animals? under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable?   i couldn't, i don't think.  i find killing fine if you're hunting for food, but not for pleasure. would you be willing to have horrible nightmares for a year if you would be rewarded with extraordinary wealth?   yeah. if you could influence people like a celebrity does, how would you use it for the benefit of the planet?   definitely spread Christianity how and when are abortions okay?   only when it's that type of pregnancy where despite growing, the baby is never alive.  shit, what's it called... ummm... entopic pregnancy, that's it!  the cells are only going to keep growing, so they obviously need to come out.  otherwise, i don't care if you're raped or whatever, you have that damn child and give it up for adoption. if you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?   ANYONE can hurt you, even the unexpected. would you save an extremely talented musician who has the influence to promote good values for the world or a pregnant woman in a situation where it is certain you must choose one over the other?   ugh... the pregnant woman, i guess.

[klaumiel]

You are all I’ve got,Damien.// Chapter 2: Mama Knows Best.

I was sitting in my favourite armchair in my parent’s house, sipping tea and chilling like every other Saturday morning. She makes the best tea in the world, like a magic elixir for all my fears and problems. Checking my phone every few minutes, I looked at my mum sitting on the sofa focused on filing her long red nails. She is beautiful as always, so classy and sophisticated, with her beautiful long black and curly hair, big brown eyes. She looked like a proper lady in her brown pencil skirt and white shirt neatly pushed inside, long legs like a model, nobody can tell that she just turned fifty-two. She was glowing. And yet, there was this familiar sadness in her eyes, I’ve seen it so many times, this look when she stares in the distance lost in her thoughts, hurts me every time seeing her like this because I know exactly what it means.

Dad promised her that this will be his last deployment and he will retire so they can finally live their lives the way they wanted, but he said that last time as well and one before that. She knew that he always wanted to reach the Captain rank, and she let him follow his dreams. Even if that meant leaving us for months every year, missing Christmas, birthdays and challenging times. He got promoted four years ago and finally, after over thirty years in the army, he had his dream job. My mother never complained, she loves him too much, after all, he was her first love her ‘hero’ as he always calls him.

She was devoted to her work as a music teacher, that always helped her in worse times, we grew up with her beautiful songs and a voice of an angel, her powerful cante flamenco only proved how magical and emotional music can be.

It was tough for her to leave Sevilla, her family and friends, but she did it for love, for my Dad. My grandmother was against it, but she did it anyway. A nineteen years old music student with no language or money, completely alone only a handsome soldier that she fell in love with a few months before. She knew that she will have a beautiful life; she took a risk, and it paid off. Well, that’s what she uses to tell us, was it really what she always dreamt off? Being part-single single mother with two kids, praying every day for her husband to come back in one piece and not in the wooden box? I think she tried so hard to convince herself that in the end, she believed it.

She is the most caring and loving person I know, always two steps ahead of us catching us before we fall, still supporting even if what we are doing it’s just stupid and illogical.

We didn’t give her a hard time as kids, as twins, we naturally looked after one another without even thinking about it, if one was in trouble or going through a hard time the other one always knew. It always freaked me out how this is possible that being somewhere else I can still feel Shaun’s emotions and vice versa. We are the same in every aspect, like the same things, react the same way to everything.

‘Maya!’ She snapped me from my thoughts ‘I asked you if you want more tea and some cake? Lemon cheesecake your favourite.’ Did she just said lemon cheesecake !?

‘Oh my god, Mum! You don’t have to ask twice. You know that I would die for it’ She laughed and walked to the kitchen.

I looked at my phone again. Just a few silly messages from Gemma describing Greg’s best bed tricks. I swear she will eat this poor guy alive! After a few conversations with Greg, I convinced him to give her a chance, he finally understood that we can’t be together as the feeling wasn’t mutual.

They went on a date a few days after, and now they are inseparable, I felt a little guilty that I left this for so long I could’ve pushed them earlier to try.

I called Gemma while my mum was in the kitchen.

‘Hey, girl! What’s up?!’ She answered I could hear Greg in the background; I guess I just disturbed something. Did he just moan?!

‘Nothing much, I’m just chilling here with my mum and wanted to check how are you doing, but from your texts, and what I can hear I guessed you are nice and comfy whenever you are’ I laughed

‘Well, I’m with Greg … I had to pull him away from work, he spends way  too much time working on things that don’t matter, he needs to relax, reports and taxes can wait until Monday I am more important right now’ she giggled

‘You know he is a workaholic, but I can see you are doing a great job in changing that, I’m glad to hear it. ‘

‘And how is your prison bae? Did you decide if you are going to visit him? I thought that was your plan for today, to surprise him. Did you chicken out?’ I checked if my mum wasn’t coming back from the kitchen, and I lowered my voice.

‘I didn’t chicken out, I called yesterday, but I was late for booking. Plus I am not sure if surprising him is a good idea, maybe I should discuss this with him first ‘ I saw my mum coming back from the kitchen.

‘Is your call girl, you know him better, but you have to make up your mind. Six weeks of only texting and sending hot pics is a long time. You are long overdue for the next level. Just don’t get too invested if you are not sure if you want to make a move, plus is not like you two have much of a future… I think you should look elsewhere is pointless to waste your time on him at this point, he has no future ’ Not much of a future ?! Waste my time?! What the hell was that about?! I was just about to call her out, but I saw my mum in the living room pouring tea and putting three plates on the table.

‘OK, Gemma, I have to go. Have fun, just make sure you can walk on Monday. Sara is only waiting for a chance to shame you in front of everyone…Bye’ I hang up before she could answer. I couldn’t believe that she said that. What got into her? She was very salty about the whole Damien situation from the start, and recently she avoided me. Just talking about herself and Greg. Even in the office, we didn’t chat as much as we use to. I was puzzled and hurt at the same time, that was so mean and entirely not like her.

I tossed my phone on the table with anger, and I was just about to dig into my cheesecake when I heard a doorbell.

‘I will get it Mum!’ I run to the door, I knew it was Shaun I could feel it, smiling from ear to ear, his black curls wet from the rain falling in his green eyes.

I am always so happy to see him, my little brother. Well, three minutes difference, but still, he is younger than me, and he hates it.

‘Hello, sis! I think I need a towel is absolutely lashing out there’ He said, shaking his wet hair while coming inside.

‘Here it is sweetheart, just in time, cake is on the table.’ My mum always two steps ahead, always prepared. She hugged him and dried his head with towel messing his hair up.

As soon as we sat down, I heard my phone ping. A familiar tune that made me smile each time I heard it. It was him! Of course, it was, I didn’t talk to anyone else there. I grabbed it as fast as I could, Shaun and Mum were busy chatting about some series on Netflix that I didn’t see, so I took the opportunity to focus on the conversation with Damien. He had a shitty day, so I decided to cheer him up a little. I’ve sent him a picture of me holding a tray with the pie that I’ve made the day before from the recipe he gave me. I was covered in flour from head to toe my hair was all messy. He joked about the mess I made in the kitchen. We talked about our favourite desserts, we had the same taste, so it wasn’t surprising to me when he said that lemon cheesecake is also his favourite. It was a short conversation, his time in the library was over. He kept his phone there, in one of the books.

I was happy to have at least this ten minutes with him. Made me feel better that I managed to cheer him up a little bit, he was a bit tense lately. I had a feeling he is hiding something, but I didn’t want to push him.

I’ve put my phone down, and I saw Shaun and Mum staring at me.

‘What?’ I asked nervously looking around myself to see what they are looking at. ‘Did I spill some tea? ‘

‘Who was that sweetie?’ My Mum smiled at me ‘Was it Albert?’ Why would she think it was Albert?

‘No, why you think it was Albert? I didn’t hear from him for weeks, plus we left it as they were. I don’t want to waste my time on him. I don’t even know when he is coming back, could be months. I made my decision, one soldier in the family is enough. I want my man to be next to me every day. I am not strong enough to go through the same as you’ her smile dropped instantly. Fuck! My big mouth again! ‘ Mum I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..’

‘It’s ok love, I know what you mean, and I fully understand it’s not an easy life, and if you don’t feel like he is worth that kind of commitment you shouldn’t waste your time and wait for him. I stuck with your father because he was the one, still is but if you don’t feel like Albert is that’s only fair’ she paused for a second, and her smile came back ‘ So if not Albert who was it then? You were smiling and giggling the whole time. I didn’t see you like this for a long time.’

She was right, I didn’t feel like this for a long time, this whole Luke situation messed me up pretty badly.

‘It’s nothing, is just a guy from Lovelink that I am chatting with. Really, not a big deal’ She didn’t believe a word I said. Shaun shoot me an angry glance. Mum always knows when we are lying.

‘You are not getting away with this, not this time, you just blew your cover by giggling like mad! He knew about Damien, I told him everything, and I felt like it is time to share it with mum. At this stage, I was too deep into this, and she already knew that I am hiding something. We never had any secrets in the family, we made a promise that we need to share everything so we can help each other when we needed, and I didn’t want to break it.

I looked at my phone again and saw the last message from Damien.

“Bye messy pie :)’’

I smiled. He is so fucking sweet, sometimes. Took a deep breath.

‘OK, I will tell you but please don’t freak out.’

She poured more tea to the mugs sat comfortably on the sofa, put her hands on her knees. She was ready, that’s what she thought, but she wasn’t.

‘About six weeks ago I matched with this guy, Damien Jones. I wasn’t sure at first, but I swiped because he intrigued me, I saw something interesting in him. See for yourself.’ I showed her his profile picture and the one he sent me a few weeks ago with his pop. I kept shirtless to myself.

‘Wow, handsome man. So far, so good.’ God, she is so not ready for that. Shaun smiled, he knew I was shitting myself, I didn’t want her to know.

‘Well, we really clicked, not right away. In the beginning, I thought that he is a bit of a prick, rude and arrogant, but he started to open up and … we were texting every day, getting to know each other. He is a bit rough around the edges but is getting better. I think I am bringing his soft side now. You will like that… he is a poet.’ I had to start with the right things, prepare her. She loves poetry.

‘Oh, that’s so romantic. You seem to like him.’

‘Yes, I do. I feel like we have a connection, even tho we’ve been only texting, we didn’t really meet in real life yet, but we have something special.’

‘ He didn’t take you for a date in six weeks? Why? That’s a red flag sweetheart ‘ Fuck! Here we go. Just say it! I looked at Shaun, begging for help, but he nodded reassuring me. I took a deep breath and looked at my Mum. My mouth was dry as sand, I took a big sip of tea, brushed my hair nervously She is going to flip.

‘Mum, we couldn’t go on a date because he is in prison’ My heart pounded in my chest, I  desperately searched for her reaction. She had a poker face, but I knew she was shocked, she didn’t say anything because she knew this is not all ‘He was falsely accused of murder seven years ago.. he is innocent, but there is not enough evidence to prove it.’

She didn’t say anything, just looked away then down. I felt my eyes filling with tears. She is disappointed, she won’t even look at me. I caught Shaun looking at her. Finally, she said quietly slowly bringing her eyes back to me.

‘Well, this was unexpected.. how long is his sentence?’ Mum was very serious, but I could see that she cared, she was worried. There was approval in her piercing brown eyes. That approval that I needed right now.

‘He is on the death row.’ I nearly whispered, looking at the floor, tears flowing. I felt horrible. On one side, my mum, always wanting me to find a good Nobel man and have a perfect family, one that we never had. And on the other side Damien, the not ideal partner for her perfect daughter, another criminal

‘Oh my god, sweetie.’ She sat on the floor next to me, took my hands in hers and looked at me ‘Are you hundred per cent sure he is innocent?’

‘ Yes, I believe him.’ I whispered

I told her everything. How Damien and his pop ran a chop shop together, how his half-brother Bennie started using heavy drugs and his father kicked him out, so he decided to take them down with his new gang; they got into a fight and Bennie tried to shoot Damien, but his pop pushed him away and took the bullet. Bennie and his thugs knocked Damien down and left him next to his dead father with the gun in his hand. Unfortunately, this was enough evidence to prove him guilty and sentenced to death.

I didn’t even notice that I was crying like a baby the whole time. I must’ve looked pathetic.

‘ I know that you think I must be stupid, he could be lying and just playing me, but I really have feelings for him. I can’t even explain it. I believe him, he would never kill his father, he loved him, I could feel it from the way he spoke about him.’ I took a deep breath trying to calm myself ‘I saw his rough side when we started talking, but now he is a different person…  he opened up ‘ Suddenly all the thoughts of losing him went through my head

‘Mum... I have to help him … I don’t know how but I can’t let him die.’ I felt her arms wrapped around my shoulders when she squeezed to sit next to me. She wiped my cheeks and lifted my chin.

‘ Sweetheart, I would never think you are stupid. Love is never stupid, I would’ve been a complete hypocrite to think this way. You are my daughter, my whole world, and I love you with my whole heart. You are exactly like me when you fall for someone you fall deep. I can see that you care about this boy. And your golden heart won’t let you just leave him like that.  Maya, if you believe he's innocent, I trust you’ She pointed at my phone ’ I don’t see a murderer in him, there is good in his eyes. And what’s most important you see a good person in him, you gave him a chance because you knew is right.’ Her expression softened ‘ We better start thinking about how we can help him.’

Shaun sat on the sofa, resting his head on his hands, suddenly he got up.

‘Sis, we will figure something out. There must be a way to get him out of this, talk to him see what you can learn. I’m sure he knows what to do but is holding back, is too proud to ask you for help. He is too young and definitely not ready to die…Listen… Dad will be back in a few weeks maybe he can pull some strings, in the meantime try to convince Damien to let you help him.’

I wasn’t expecting my mum to understand, but she saw something more than just a stupid girl falling in love with the guy who most likely will never see the outside world before saying goodbye to it. She felt my determination and will to get him out of this shit, and as always she was two steps ahead.

‘ What was the other evidence apart from the gun?’ She asked while walking back to the sofa

‘ Partial DNA on him, which by the way is the same as Bennie’s, if we could have his DNA that would be a full match. I’m sure that would be enough to prove him innocent. I spoke with him about this, but nobody knows where Bennie is now, and police aren’t even looking for him. Plus is not easy to convince Damien to let me help him, he is stubborn, he lived with the idea that there is no chance for him to get out for seven years and now when there is a small chance he is scared, he won’t admit it, but he is scared someone will get hurt because of him again.’

‘You have to convince him’ Shaun said ‘ I am sure he knows something, a guy like Bennie can’t just disappear without the trace unless they are dead. Then we are screwed… Talk to him and don’t do anything stupid alone, you have me’ He smiled and flicked my nose

Next day I spoke with Damien about the possibility of finding Bennie, of course, he didn’t want me to get involved. How someone can be so stubborn!?

But that day, I decided that I had enough of him pissing around. After he got stabbed in the library by few of Bennie’s thugs who tried to cut his tongue, to make sure he won’t speak before the execution.

This was the point in which I drew the line, it was too much. My man was in grave danger, and I suppose to sit with my arms crossed? No fucking way! But before he managed to get proper angry he told me that we will give it ago, he had information where Bennie was last seen, he sent me an address and asked me to wait until we make a plan. He clearly doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does.’

The moment Damien went offline, I put the address in my GPS  and drove there. I looked around the place that seemed to be a chop shop. Damien texted me when I was hidden behind the fence. He was fuming, I didn’t listen to him after all, he specifically told me to wait. Sorry not sorry, darling.

We confirmed that the bike outside the shop was Bennie’s, I went to look around searching for anything useful, but then my luck reached its end together with my common sense.

Bennie found me. I had only one chance to use this to my advantage, he was meters away from me. I only needed a bit of his hair, that's all.

I could stir it anyway I could, I had him right in front of me, but no. I did the only thing my stupid mind told me to.

I agreed to go on a date with a murderer. How wonderfully clever of me. Mama will be proud.

It was the stupidest idea ever, but it was the only chance I had to free Damien, or at least save his life.

Damien wasn’t happy with the idea, but he knew it is the only way. Only one shot, he’s the only door to freedom.

We planned everything, go in get the hair and get out. Simple as that. Nothing can go wrong, right? Right.

I called Shaun, I was stupid and desperate enough to go on a date a murderer but not dumb as to go there alone.

[bytrinaarmstrong-blog]

Secure the Bag: Part.1

I am so excited to finally share Secure the Bag: Part 1 with you guys.

Here is a lil’ taste. I hope you enjoy. 😊

Chapter 1

“After tonight, my world will change forever!” My sister shouts from the sunroof of the stretch Hummer limo. She had get this bright ass barbie pink color as if a stretch Hummer isn’t big and obnoxious enough.

She's a little intoxicated, maybe a lot, and she feels the need to announce to the entire Vegas strip that this is her last night of singledom.

I'm happy for her. Although, I think she's rushing, at least the man she's marrying has a secure career.

In my opinion, she is too young. She's only twenty-five; her brain just stopped developing like three months ago. She's still learning and developing who she is as a person. But hey, what do I know? I'm not marrying some young, rich, tall basketball star.

I can’t even be mad at her decision to secure the bag. I just fear that she'll lose herself inside of her new husband and their marriage.

As far as I know, she wants to be a lawyer. Or at least she wanted to. Now, she's giving it all up to be one of those wives at the games. Not saying it won’t be fun. I'm sure it's plenty of fun to cheer from the sidelines, but how fulfilling can it be?

I can’t sit in the background and watch my husband live his dreams. Watching him do what he loves would push me even harder. But for my sister, I'm sure being a kept woman is her dream. I'm just glad that her dreams came true.

“Turn that shit up! That is my motherfuckin’ song!” My sister, Riley, shouts from the sunroof. The Pepto limo is thumping the hottest new song, "Jiggle Lil’ Booty" by Lil’ Trappah. I can’t lie, the beat is perfect to twerk too. I can hardly contain myself. I just wish I knew what this Lil’ Trappah person was saying. Only the words from the chorus are clear, and even those are questionable.

“Lil’ booties need love too! I’m talking ‘bout them butt cheeks not the baby shoes!” Everyone in the limo shouts clear as day.

These girls must have supersonic hearing or a lyric translator app. For the life of me, I don’t get how they understand these mushmouth ass lyrics. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a bit older than everyone in the limo.

I'm thirty years old, I'm in Vegas for the first time, and I'm going to make the best of it. I pinch the edge of my white bodycon dress, pulling it down the dress-hiking thighs my mama blessed with me with. I raise my hands through the sunroof, stand on the seat and look around in awe of the strip. There are lights everywhere: flashing, flickering, and glowing.

I know this night belongs to my sister, but she got hers. It's time to get mine, my money that is. I'm going to leave Vegas at least a thousand dollars richer. I don’t need the man to get the bag. I can't wait forever for these fools, and I don’t plan on it. I rather have my own shit anyway.

“Remi! You’re hogging the sunroof!” Riley pushes me to the side.

“Move! We both can’t be up here.” I groan as she continues to squeeze her big busted self through the sunroof.

“There’s enough space!” She lightly pushes me as a smile creeps onto my face.

“Did you have fun last night?”

“Last night was lit! Thank you for planning my bridal shower. I know this has been pretty stressful. I didn’t know weddings were so much work.”

“Girl, you’ve never watched a wedding show?”

“No. I don’t watch those boring things like someone I know.”

“I watch it for aesthetic purposes. I like to see the decorations and the color schemes they pick.” “It’s okay, sis. I know you take mental notes.”

“For what?”

“Your future wedding.”

“Please!" I suck my teeth.

"That’s the furthest thing from my mind right now. My mind is on my money and money is on my mind.” Riley waves her hand.

“Whatever you say.”

“Do you know where we’re going tonight?”

“Nia wants to surprise me.”

“Nia is going to surprise you with an oily stripper at the door.”

“She better not.” I raise my glass. “Well, here’s to another lit night.”

“May all our dreams come true.” Our champagne flutes clink in unison before we empty them. We sink back into the limo with the rest of the girls, anticipating the fun to come.

∞∞∞

The limo pulls up in front of one of the hottest clubs in Vegas. The music is right and full of bass. Even the people in line are dancing. I would dance too if I were standing in a line wrapped around the strip. Just the thought of standing in that line with heels irritates me.

The limo driver opens the door and holds out his hand to assist us out of the stretch Pink Panther mobile.

“Hope you ladies have a blast tonight.” The smooth-voiced limo driver smiles. He tips his hat, revealing the ponytailed locs underneath.

“Thank you!” We all say in unison.

“What’s your name again?” I ask.

He removes his driving gloves to shake my hand. “Amir Good.”

He has long, thick fingers with short, clean nails. His full beard fades at his sideburns connecting to a natural hairline that could pass for a shape up. He looks into my eyes as if he is familiar with them.

“Thank you for getting us here safely, Mr. Good.”

“No, problem—” “Remi, Remi Jones.” I reach for my purse to give him a tip.

He politely pushes my hand away. “Have a great evening, Ms. Jones.”

“Remi, come on!” Nia yells back toward the limo. Nia reserved our tables in advance, allowing us to skip the line altogether. It’s crazy how so many people can give a look of disdain all at once.

“I’ve been standing here for over an hour!” One woman shouts at security. She looks upset, and I know her feet feel even worse in those stilettos.

“I don’t make the rules, ma’am. Please wait in line as the club is almost at full capacity. Next time you should reserve your table like these lovely ladies.” The tall bouncer smiles as he let us in. “Have a good evening, ladies.”

Between the limo driver and the bouncer, I don’t know if going inside is the right choice. It seems like all the fine men are outside the club.

“Remi trying to get chose!” Whitney yells loud enough for the bouncer to hear.

“See, I was going to buy you a drink, but you play too much.”

“I’m just playing!” Whitney hooks her arm into mine, and we all find our way to our table.

More pink, yay! The love affair my sister has with this color is sickening. At least the shade of pink Nia chose is cute; soft powder pink balloons with rose gold accents.

“I love it!” Riley screams. She is going into pink overload. She grabs the bottle of Rose´ out of the ice bucket and puts it in the smoky club air.

“Here is to the rest of my life! May it be on and poppin’!” Riley pops the cork to the champagne, making it glide across the ceiling. We all jump from the loud pop of the cork but not far enough to not grab a champagne flute from the table. Riley fills our glasses, and we make another toast to a fun night. We waste no time downing our drinks and heading toward the dance floor.

“Hold up! All the sexy ladies in the house get on the dance floor right now! All di bad gals dem!” The DJ sounds off the reggae horns.

Before I know it, my body is moving to the beat. My hips roll like waves on the ocean water. I arch my back and rest my hands on my knees. I look back at it, only to see a smiling man towering behind me. His smile lights up the dark dance floor.

He leans into my ear. “Mind if I join you?”

“Looks like you already have.” I wind my hips as he stands behind me, watching and breathing down my neck. “Are you going to dance or just stand there?”

He strokes his goatee. “I think I’ll just watch.”

“Then why ask me to dance?”

“So, I wouldn’t seem like a creep while I stare.”

“That’s not weird. Nope, not all.”

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“Dance with me first.” There's no point in letting my song go to waste. I pull in Mr. Tall and Handsome, making him trail behind me. I rock my hips from side to side with the beat, leaving him no choice but to follow my rhythm.

“What’s your name?”

“Remi.”

“Like the rapper?”

“Like the rapper, like the hair, like the drink. I can keep going.”

“I like that. Come on, let’s go back to my table.” He takes my hand and leads me through the crowd on the dance floor. While holding his hand, my eyes land on the pinky ring that dons his finger. A cluster of diamonds sparkle under the flashing lights that make our brown skin look blue. My eyes almost pop out of my head as they travel from his large hand to the Presidential Rolex on his wrist.

This man has to be at least six foot seven, and his pockets seem to be just as long. Jackpot!

There is nothing like a fine man with commas in his bank account. Money can’t buy love, but as my mother always tells me, romance without finance is a nuisance. Mr. Baller takes us to his table which is already full of bottles.

“What would you like to drink?”

“I want to try some of that Ace of Spades.”

He nods his head and pours the champagne into a flute. “Great choice,” he says as our glasses clink. "What’s your name?”

“I’m surprised you don’t already know who I am.”

“Should I know?”

“It depends on what you’re into, I guess.”

“So, are you going to tell me or are you going to keep playing this guessing game? I mean, I can be like Nev from Catfish and do an image search.”

He puts his fist over his mouth and lets out a loud chuckle. “You got jokes; I like that.” He sips some champagne before setting his glass on the table. “I’m Trey Drayton.”

“Are you a basketball player?”

“I play for Utah.”

I turn my nose. “Utah? Ugh!”

“I know. As you can see, I’m trying to make the best of it.”

“You come to Vegas often?”

“I’m here for my boy's wedding this weekend.”

“He’s marrying my sister.”

“Wow, it’s a small world. I’ve known Khai since our AAU days. Your sister is in good hands.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

Trey's eyes scan over my dress. “I also think you’re beautiful.”

I blush as I flip my locs over my shoulder. “Thank you.”

“So, what are you doing later tonight?”

“I’ll be with the bridal party since the wedding is tomorrow.”

“You should chill with me. Let me get to know you outside of the club; somewhere quiet.”

“Somewhere private?”

“What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, right?” I knock back the rest of my champagne. It's been a year since I had any physical contact. Just the thought of it has my blood rushing, or maybe it's that third glass of champagne. Either way, my body is ready. Trey places his hand on my thigh, lightly brushing his lips past my ear. I damn near melt from the slightest touch. I can feel him inhaling my perfume, creating heat between my thighs. What are you doing, Remi?

I don’t know what I'm doing or why I'm so comfortable with Trey being so close. Trey's lips are soft, and so are his gigantic hands. I pull away and look into his slanted eyes; filled with the type of lust that fans my fire.

“I don’t even know you.”

“So, get to know me. I’m a basketball player. I’m from D.C., and I love beautiful, brown women like yourself.”

“I’m from Maryland.”

“See! We have that DMV connection.” He flashes his bright smile.

“You seem a bit comfortable,” I say while looking at his hand on my thigh.

"That’s how you make me feel. Are you comfortable?”

“Yes, thanks for asking.”

“So, do you want to go back to my suite?”

“It’s just that easy for you?”

“You can’t answer a question with a question, love.”

“As much as I would like to, I don’t think I’m about that life.”

“Take my number.” He pulls out his phone just before reciting his number out loud. “Call me.”

I hit the call button, connecting us in an instant. “It’s R-e-m-i.”

“Okay, Remi with an I. I’ll see you tomorrow at the wedd—” A waterfall of ice and liquor pours down Trey’s face. I look up to see a young, tall woman with anger painted all over her face.

“You’ll see her where? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear what you were saying. Now, what did you say, Trey?!” Her voice elevates to a pitch my brain can’t compute.

“Baby, I can explain!”

“Baby?” She has to be at least six foot five, two hundred pounds of defined muscle. She's almost a foot taller than me, and she has a wingspan made for dunking.

“Yes, baby! Is there a problem, bitch?” She spews as her eyes pop out of her head.

“Bitch?”

“You seemed confused. Let me knock some sense into that empty brain of yours.”

“This is a major misunderstanding.” I stand up from my seat, adjust my dress, and hope and pray she takes her misplaced anger out on her man.

“The only misunderstanding is you throwing your pussy at my man. You’re just the type. Groupie ass bitch! Fucking thots stay plotting,” she yells loud enough to cause a scene.

The last thing I need is my sister flying across the room on the night of her bachelorette party.

“Trey?” I call. He shrugs his shoulders. I look back at her, hoping to calm her down, some way, somehow. “I honestly didn’t know he had a girlfriend.”

Girlfriend? I’m his wife; Dawn Drayton!” She waves her left hand, showing off her ring. I feel a bit dizzy from the drinks, and the air from her hands creates a light breeze on my face.

My eyes cut to Trey in disbelief. “You ain’t shit.” I tip the ice bucket on the table into his lap before dashing off as fast as possible. Hoping to find Riley and the rest of the bridal party, I run back to the dance floor.

“I am not done with you!” Dawn is right behind me. I'm not trying to fight in a Las Vegas nightclub with what looks like to be Wilt Chamberlain’s daughter. I pull out my phone and call the limo driver while heading toward the entrance.

"Touchdown Limos, Amir speaking."

“Come back to the club, please. Emergency pick-up.”

“On my way.” I end the call and pick up the pace toward the door. I already know that I have no dog in this fight. I'm not a punk, but homegirl’s reach is long enough to punch me through the crowd. Plus, my white dress is too cute to stain with blood.

The closer I get to the door, the closer she seems to get to me. Trey’s mute ass isn’t too far behind. A part of me wants to turn around and throw my shoe at his forehead, but I know that will only get the Mrs. more upset.

“Remi, wait!” I hear Trey shout. Trifling Trey is trying to get me killed. Thankfully, my phone vibrates, notifying me that my limo is out front. The bouncer at the door notices me speed walking and gives me a look of concern.

“Is everything okay, sweetheart?”

“Can you hold those Amazonian people behind me while I get in the car?”

“No problem.” The security guard tilts his head, relaying a message through his walkie-talkie. I rush out the exit to see the driver standing with the door open. I damn near dive into the back seat.

I look out the window to see security blocking Dawn and Trey from the exit. There are camera lights flashing and bystanders recording everything with their cell phones. The last thing I need is to be on the gossip blogs for being chased out of the club.

“It’s just you?” The driver asks.

I look back to see Dawn’s fist connect with Trey’s jaw. Ouch! “Yes, please go.” I have to get away from all of the camera flashes. Even though the windows are tinted, I duck down in my seat as far as I can. The limo pulls off with no destination in sight.

Read the rest here

[butaneplate02-blog]

Currently…

Hello, and happy post 4th of July! I hope you had a wonderful holiday!

It was SCORCHING hot here but we still managed to have a great time waving at floats and collecting candy at our neighborhood parade (lots of water trickles on heads plus suckers seemed to do the trick) then attending a friend’s BBQ later that night. There was some miscommunication earlier this week when I thought we were hosting dinner, so it was a nice surprise to be able to walk out the door and hang out at someone else’s home for the night!

These are the same friends whose 2011 4th of July party I made 66 Jello shots for. My, times have changed. ;)

I spent yesterday recovering from the heat – 9 months pregnant + 100+ heat index = taking several days to fully cool down – and continuing to prep for baby girl. Just a couple weeks left, you guys – insanity!!

These past two weeks I’ve felt like doing nothing yet everything at the same time. Although my energy levels are way down and the amount of appointments, meetings, and last minute projects I’m trying to fit in are taking up a huge amount of time, the urge to nest is a very real thing. That said, I’ve been trying to tackle one major thing each night. While Ben is in charge of putting together furniture/painting baby’s bedroom, I’m tackling the washing/prepping of bottles, laundering gobs of newborn clothes (thank goodness for one of my besties who had twin girls with very good taste last year. So funny to see pink in the dryer lint trap!) cleaning bouncers and swings, etc. I think we’ll be totally ready for her when the time comes – if only by the skin of our teeth.

All this hard work means I can spend the next two weeks focusing on these two sweet, sweet souls.

My boys of summer!

Plus prepping 101 meals for the freezer. Wish me luck.

Anyway, wanted to catch up on all things new food products / musicals / Netflix specials in today’s edition of Currently! I hope you have a WONDERFUL summer weekend – catch you on the other side!

Drizzling: Here Michigan Apple Balsamic Salad Dressing. Since my GD diagnosis I’ve been eating at least one giant salad a day, and my favorite Tessemae’s Creamy Ranch dressing started to get a little heavy. That said, I picked up this bottle of dressing at the store a few weeks ago and it is SOOOO good! Tart, tangy, full of flavor, and I love the ingredient list too. Look for this in the refrigerated salad dressing section vs the aisle.

Attending: Hamilton. Ben and I saw Hamilton last week (it’s in town until mid-July) – we’d been DYING to see what all the fuss was about! Ben’s a mega hip hop enthusiast who also loves musical theater so he was actually bopping in his chair for 3 hours straight. I’m not a public bopper but was tapping my foot the whole time. Needless to say, we loved it and I can’t recall another show we’ve seen where every single song was one to remember. I’m so proud of my city for being able to host the touring crew. If you get the chance – do NOT skip Hamilton!

Watching: Ali Wong. I recently watched Ali Wong’s Baby Cobra special on Netflix at the recommendation of a friend and literally can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Like, years. Maybe my whole life? Ben thought I was off my rocker but once I started I couldn’t stop! Do not watch if you’re easily offended about, well, anything, but if you dare, I promise you a HIGH-larious show.

Playing. The little boys and I have been heading to the backyard for a dip in the blow up pool a couple afternoons each week and like to finish up with a good 10 minute hose blasting session (my water bill hates me.) I truly don’t know who has more fun – them or me, muwahaha. :)

Devouring: peaches. IT’S OFFICIALLY PEACH SEASON, PEOPLE! Sorry to shout, but the beeline I made to the peach portion of the produce section at the grocery store earlier this week after smelling them from afar was rather impressive, if I do say so myself. Since peaches are pretty high in carbs I’ve been slowly savoring one every afternoon this week. It’s the best part of my day. (Recipe for Peach Caprese Salad is on deck for this weekend. ↓)

Visiting: Iowa Distilling Company. I recently visited the Iowa Distilling Company for a fun project (will fill you in on the details later,) and I cannot WAIT to return when I can actually sample some of the products! Great people distilling uniquely Iowa spirits with a killer drink menu, and the neatest “tap room” vibe (think 1875 general store meets approachable hipster hangout.) If you’re ever in Cumming, IA be sure to stop by and try a few tasty beverages with Kyle (the owner) + his crew. The Lemon Honey Zone is calling my name…

Inhaling: Barnana Plantain Chips. I know I just recently mentioned these Barnana Plantain Chips but they’re worth another shout out – I.am.obsessed! They don’t taste sweet nor like bananas, which is a good thing in my opinion, plus they’re thick, crunchy, and full of flavor. They feel like healthy potato chips (shrugs shoulders.) I find them in my grocery store’s health market for about the same price as Amazon. Highly recommend the Brazilian BBQ flavor.

Craving: Fresh Mint Iced Tea. I know what I’m doing with the fresh mint that’s currently taking over my entire herb garden! How refreshing does this ice cold tea from Love and Olive Oil look? They’d make the best preggo popsicles…

Quitting: The Bachelorette. Mama didn’t raise no quitter except that I’m officially closing the door on this season of The Bachelorette. Snoozeville, horrible guys with even worse real world behavior and, I don’t know, Bachelorette – I just not that into you. Bring on Paradise! Fellow fans: am I alone?

Loving: Coconut oil face wash. Not a coconut oil-based face wash, rather, using coconut oil AS my face wash! I saw this method on a fellow blogger’s Instagram account a few weeks ago and have been loving the process and results ever since. At night I massage a dollop of coconut oil all over my face (I use unrefined organic from the grocery store – use refined for less of coconut smell) then place a steaming hot washcloth on top and let it sit until the cloth is cool before wiping everything away. Takes off ALL my makeup, including waterproof mascara and eyeliner, plus my skin feels so, so soft. I never have breakouts when I’m pregnant (thanks, hormones (for once not being sarcastic about hormones!)) so I’m anxious to see if this is still a good skin solution after baby is born. For now I’m loving the simplicity of washing away the day’s dirt and grime with simply coconut oil and a washcloth. It’s the little things.

Blending: Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Smoothies. Since Lincoln is allergic to dairy and super super slim, I’m always looking for ways to fatten and fill him up. A few days ago I made him a Chocolate Peanut Butter Banana Smoothie with this Silk Chocolate Protein Milk I’d recently found at the grocery store, which is high in both fat and protein (and yes, sugar, but seriously this high-fat and protein/no dairy thing is really tough) and he sucked it DOOWWWN. All I did was blend ~3/4 cup of the milk with 1/2 ripe banana and a big spoonful of peanut butter until smooth, then added ~1 cup ice and blended until thick and frosty. He and his brother each thoroughly enjoyed a glass – think we’ll make them into popsicles soon!

Pick a currently category and fill me in! 

Source: https://iowagirleats.com/2018/07/06/currently-17/