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silversiren1101 · 1 month ago

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My therapist had an emergency and had to cancel on me this week, so I need to write down my thoughts before the ADHD void eats them. This one is a little raw.

There are so many sites and papers and resources about how trauma leads to hypersensitivity and how to be gentle and respectful of such victims, but I can never and have never found anything on how the same trauma can lead to you not being able to handle hypersensitive people at all--which sucks because it reminds me so much of the classic sucky case of incompatible autism quirks.

Growing up gaslit (literal actual definition) by my parents well into my early adulthood by being blamed for everything a sibling did, abused and punished for things they thought I said or did (no a sneeze is and never has been a laugh and even if it was does it warrant screaming yourself hoarse at a child), and told again and again I was born wrong and make people miserable and the reason I don't understand why is because I'm Evil (again, a child)... is it any surprise really that I get extremely angry around the flavor of sensitive person that by-default assumes the worst intent or thoughts in those around them?

Is it not the same thing? The assumption that I've done something bad or malicious that I have not and would not ever do? Overly apologetic people that compulsively apologize for even the most innocent things, posts/comments that exude those vibes or seem to be asking for permission to do things in their own space (why are you asking others stop putting this responsibility on someone else you're an adult), etc out of fear that they will be found annoying/make someone mad/literally explode and die. You know the type. Anyone you have to walk on eggshells around.

And DUH I know it's not personal, that's the worst part! Obviously it isn't! This is their own issues manifesting as a defense mechanism/desperation for acceptance just as I have my own, BUT it does unfortunately become a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I AM angry and annoyed as hell because an assumption of bad intent/faith has been made of me without any evidence (even though I am but a silhouette in a bigger crowd and it is not a direct personal thing in the slightest) and whoops that's my main trigger! Like oopsie (hypothetical) the killswitch is turning on and I'm seething because someone apologized for "being annoying" one too many times even though literally no one has said anything suggesting anything of the sort which means they surely see me as some sort of malicious horrific monster that hates them because why else would they assume such a thing when you wouldn't assume that of normal chill people you're cool with! Except no, of course they don't see you that way, it's just anxiety/trauma/whatever talking, please be more patient with them, etc etc.

To which I say Sure! Of course! I'll try my best! I understand completely!

Patience for me though? Asking them to (in the kindest gentlest way) to meet me halfway and accommodate me back in return by easing up on the constant apologies and assuming by default I want to hear from them and about them and want only good things for them?

Suddenly that's an impossible ask. I'm being callous just asking for that, you can't just ask sensitive people to "toughen up"! So it's expected of you to just keep face-tanking repeated triggers over and over again as you grit your teeth and try your best (ie "toughen up"). All the while you're working so hard to heal so you won't deal with this stupid fucking trigger anymore that makes you viciously angry at fellow abuse victims/anxious folks with different defense mechanisms... bonus points of course if they aren't trying to get better themselves while you're certainly expected to and demanded to because you have the "weird/wrong/less talked about" trigger and response.

It's just, unfortunate. It's an unfortunate incompatibility. It fucking sucks actually. I wish there was more in the way of resources and conversations for people like me, but I can't find any. It's so isolating and it only feeds into my detachment and dissociation tendencies more so that I don't have moments like this (concurrently making me feel everything less and care about nothing anymore).

And it's especially unfortunate because tumblr is a really bad place at times for me because of it. Most of the time it doesn't affect me (high mental health times, logic wins out). When it does, I try my best to simply not respond or acknowledge in any way the posts and content that turns me into a snarling snapping beast for the stupidest reasons (oh, someone apologized too many times in their tags or post on their own blog for whatever anxious reason and now I want to tear their throat out). I simply close the tab/channel/log out/close the computer, because I know I'm being very stupid and this is a nonsensical irrational response. It's not about me. I don't need to and shouldn't care.

In the rarest of cases, I've unfollowed. It takes a lot still for me to unfollow for this reason (I am thankfully not an impulsive person) but in the few cases that it has, I'm sorry I tried I explode them with my mind before realizing that was probably a sign I should not keep letting myself be exposed to things that make me think and feel that way. I probably did and still do think they're a cool person and liked them 90% of the time, and I don't have any blame or hatred or whatever negative feelings! It sucks being like this, I know intimately!

But, I am simply a very tired girl trying not to reach a breaking point and go sicko mode on someone because I got irrationally and disproportionately angry over anxiety posting on the fucking internet.

And for the love of GOD if you're actually close with me and we talk for realsies (not just tumblr moot) and reading this makes you anxious about how you act around me just fucking talk to me directly please. It really only becomes an issue these days when it's a repeated thing from the same person, and especially after it's been talked about and nothing changes. If you've shown a lack of capacity of change or no interest in it, wellllllllll

I'm in a liminal space I realize, between irrationally accepting "yes everything is my fault whatever you're accusing me of I absolutely did because I am intrinsically Bad" and "No how the fuck is that my fault? Why are you pushing your feelings and problems onto me when I have my own shit to deal with? How dare you?! How FUCKING dare you?!?! I should see you torn limb from limb like I wish to do to my abusers because you're doing the same bullshit that they did to me SO I'M DEFENDING MYSELF AS SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE BACK THEN YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET--*bark bark bark bark*--"

It's really tiring.

#silversirenpersonal #I really hate being this way #I really hate that i'm conditioned to be triggered and at risk of being hostile to other people a lot like me #I have made so much progress and it is not nearly as bad anymore so I can tell what's happening when it does and fully realize that yes #this-my trigger-makes me a huge fucking asshole #being triggered by anxious people?? god what the fuck kind of shit hand is this let me mulligan #anyway if i disappear from tumblr from long lengths of time it's probably because i'm in a low tolerance phase and am doing my due diligenc #to not expose myself to triggers that make me want to become cyclops and shoot innocent people also in bad mental places with laser beams

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voidlitmoon · 5 years ago

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Familiar Faces, Connected Stories

4 months later, @sugarglider9603 I finally finished the second half!! :D Ohmygosh I'm so sorry for the wait, but thank you all for being so patient, alot has happened including the absolutely dreaded writers block. All of your comments, likes/kudos, reblogs (on Tumblr) have been helping me finish this chapter, so I really want to thank you guys for enjoying this💙💙💙💙

Another important note, but there is a reason I'm posting this today. That's because today (April 2nd) is my 16th birthday! I actually finished this on Monday (March 30th) but I decided to wait the few days so it would be a bit more special (also yes I know it's late I'm posting this, imma be busy all day so night posting it is!)

Also dont worry, if your new here (go check out the previous stories in the Master Post link!) do note I'm going to be writing my interpretation of the pokebois evolutions :D that and more short side stories are coming asap

Alright I've held you long enough, do enjoy!

Bonus note: this fic (Runaway Eevees) is what Sugar has said cannonly happened of how Remus and Deceit met the group, so if you wanna read that go ahead (it's a good read) :D

Ao3 link

Ao3 series link

Part 5 (chapter 1) Part 6

Master Post

Words: 2,931

Summery: ' Virgil's eyes widened "you've all met before" he looked at all five Eevee's faces, finding guilt in three and confusion in the other two "when, how? Was it before I met all of you?" He scratched at the ground.

His brother-father figure perked up behind him "you.. never told him?" He questioned the three trained Eevees, who all shuffled their feet. "We didn't want to worry him?" Roman tried, only for his trash brother to growl. '

The group will finally tell their stories, revealing past connections, and making new ones for the journey ahead

Chapter 2

Virgil watched as Thomas set his hands on Roman and Logan's backs, putting a halt on the growling. Well, for now at least.

He inwardly sighed, he knew the others where protective, heck he himself was being protective of his brothers at the moment. But this much hostility to other pokemon he obviously knew? He even saw Patton's tail twitching, as though the father figure wanted to pull Virgil away but was resisting.

He remembered when he first met this group of misfits, that field of flowers where Patton taught him how to make flower crowns. Yes Logan was sitting out, but Roman pounced at any opportunity to play with any wild pokemon, and Patton came right over to join the dark furred Eevee the second he showed himself. Them acting this way around pokemon they never met..

Virgil's eyes widened "you've all met before" he looked at all five Eevee's faces, finding guilt in three and confusion in the other two "when, how? Was it before I met all of you?" He scratched at the ground.

"Well!" Thomas clapped, startling them all "I'm guessing you guys need to talk about something, and since language barriers exist and food still needs to be cooked, I'm going to go burn that. Don't faint each other!" The trainer stood up from his chair making his way to the pile of berries, leaving several Eevees that probably would faint each other before speaking a word.

Virgil huffed, suspicious and annoyed "alright, first things first!" He chirped in a light tone, though it was clear the growl that accompanied it reached all the others ears "would anyone mind telling me how you've all met?"

______________________________

"-and then you woke up with no knowledge of what went down, so we just didn't tell you" Roman finished lamely. All five Eevees had taken their own bits and pieces of the story to tell, mainly because when two started arguing Virgil would hiss them down. Other than that, the dark furred Eevee didn't speak a word and kept his face neutral throughout.

Virgil sighed, flicking his tail "so you never thought once why two random Eevees took me? Logan, I thought you were the smart one. Well" he added and Logan's ears started to lower in shame "you are the smartest one here, just not about this.

"And you two" the youngest turned his head "did it occur to you that you could have just gone up and asked?" He paused, realizing the answer before the marked Eevee spoke.

"Well," he mumbled, "for one we thought they were the ones that took you in the first place. You just disappeared that day" Virgil shuddered, remembering that was true, though the truck story could be told another day "plus they're.. caught pokemon" he finished. "Ya" Virgil continued "just like me."

"But-" the stink covered Eevee tried, but Virgil shook his head.

"Thomas met me several times before I joined the team, in fact from the story Logan and Patton have told me" he flicked his tail to the shiny pair of parents "Thomas wouldn't let himself catch them until both of them made it clear they wanted to join his journey."

Patton nodded "before Thomas saved us, twice if you count the Team Rocket members in the marketplace, we never trusted humans. Most of the time humans tried to steal us for our fur color, Thomas was different" the father figure hesitated, "it.. kind of felt like a puzzle piece clicking into place when we met."

All the Eevees blinked as Thomas hummed in the background. None of the Eevees had ever mentioned to another about a feeling of a puzzle piece, Thomas had once made a comment of it, but the three there to witness that were more focused on Virgil's tail slipping into the bushes. The two unnamed Eevees even remembered when they first met Virgil hidden in the dumpster, they had felt some kind of connection.

"That.. wasn't just me who's been feeling that when we all meet?" Roman voice stumbled, eyes widening even more as the other 5 shook their heads.

"Well, you all seem to be in a better mood" Thomas chuckled, causing them all to jump. "Woah" he calmed, laughing.

"Well, food is all ready and prepared, there's enough for you guys as well" he grinned at the newbies.

The two hesitated at the idea of food, but with a comforting chirp from their brother, they followed.

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With dinner cleaned away (Thomas somehow managing not to burn anything, Logan praised happily) the group curled before a campfire as the trainer roasted marshmallows (these, he did manage to burn more often than not).

Virgil spent this time explaining to both groups how he knew both sides, of how trash and marked Eevees saved him (he didn't explain what he was escaping from), how he really was taken from them, how he met the group in the field of flowers, and how he finally stayed with Thomas for good. By the end of the story his head was laid on the ground as he cuddled Roman (a late addition during the story time, since when he explained they were boyfriends the trash covered Eevee full on tackled Roman) listening to the fire crackle. Wispy clouds drifted lazily across the sky as the night crawling forest pokemon howled and chirped and hooted.

He looked at his family, most of his past was back in his life; but for how long? He shuddered and curled more into Roman's warm fur, hating the realization he might lose them again after looking for so long. They wouldn't want to be with a trainer, especially even if it meant having Virgil being back in their lives.

Virgil. He nearly spat the name at the ground. He wanted one again for so long, from the day he hatched he had one before it and everything was taken away by.. her. He vowed never to take a name again, especially from a human. If he did, would he be betraying his oldest family connection? What would Sleep and Pecha think of his now, their little Star taking a new name, only for this one to probably drive these brothers away.

Virgil lifted his head up, staring at the two nameless pokemon maybe four tail lengths away. Why did they keep searching for him anyways?

He startled as Roman nudged his cheek. "Sorry" the starter apologized "you just dazed off staring at those two, I was wondering if you were ok."

Virgil sighed "I.. I was just wondering, why did they follow me" he mumbled, unable to look at anyone he opted to stare up at the sky. Unfortunately the world decided to push the clouds out of the clearings sky view, only piling on more of his original family's guilt. He never went searching for that farm ever again after his.. escape, and knowing Thomas they wouldn't go 100 feet anywhere near there with Patton, Logan, and Virgil. Sure, Sleep was reckless, but Pecha would be sensible enough to know not to go out into the world, an unknown area only Eevees who were taken by trainers ever saw. Those puzzle pieces were probably lost to time.

But these two.. he looked back down, Star's eyes trailing at all of his family's faces, stopping at the two. They were here, close enough in one bound he could tackle them. Why did they come, why did they care enough to try and steal him back from (what they knew at the time) hostile people and pokemon? Why did they keep looking, why did he keep looking?

Why.. did he keep looking? Virgil stood up, eyes widening. Because they were, they are family. Family he didn't want to lose, he couldn't lose any more of them. With a push from his hind legs and a squeak of surprise from Roman as he momentarily turned into a launch pad, Virgil crashed into his brothers.

"Shit, wha-" one of them cried, getting cut off as Virgil curled close.

"Please don't leave me again" Virgil chirped quietly, to the point only the two he was curled against him could hear. Virgil burrowed closer "please" he whispered "I can't lose anyone again."

The two looked at each other in surprise. They thought, well Virgil wouldn't want them to stick around. From how he told the story they would never (and probably want never) to take the smallest away from this team, and from the looks of it the three Eevees didn't trust them much right now. They didn't, right?

They usually would never hang around a human more than a few moments, never used to having a family bigger than just the three of them. It seemed logically from their past for it to be near impossible for this human and three of his pokemon to ever trust them.

..But

But it was like the light silver shiny had said earlier, they could feel the puzzle pieces there, already connected to Virgil and ready to connect with them all. A human, who was like none other. He had witnessed them take one of his own, but when that one showed he still trusted the two misfits, the trainer opened his arms, gave them food for no other reason than one he trusted showed they trusted the two strangers.

And the three Eevees, Virgil seemed to trust them to the ends of the Earth. Patton had offered them to join their meal right away. Roman had laughed off the trash Eevees tackle and just said Logan's reaction had been similar. Logan, while seeming to be the least likely one to want them here, listened to their half of the story without interrupting unless to give more detail, and was showing trust even now by watching from the fire's other side, not moving an inch. They trusted them in a way.

No, they didn't think of these four as family yet, but for the first time since they met Virgil, since they met each other, there seemed to be a chance to make that come true.

"Ok", the marked Eevee nudged Virgil "we'll think about it overnight."

For some reason, they realized they wouldn't even need that time.

Because the best part of staying was not only they would gain a whole family, one they would perhaps one day learn they could always trust, but they would regain their brother. Their brother they would have searched for eternity to find, and given anything to stay with.

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Thomas yawned as he sat up, Patton rolling off the trainer's shoulder still fast asleep and swapped to flopping over a passed out Logan, who was moments ago tucked between Thomas's ear and shoulder. The human glanced around, finding Roman (who always moved in his sleep) laying across the sleeping bag where his left ankle was. Last but not least Virgil was curled under a cuddle puddle with the two new Eevees from last night off next to his sleeping bag, the only contact being Virgil's tail brushing Roman's.

The trainer chuckled and slid his foot away from it's prison, quietly hissing as he tested the tingling foot. Of course it was asleep. Well, the best way to wake it up was to get active so..

The dirty Eevee stretched, rolling off from the top of the cuddle puddle. He let out a small oof when he came in contact with the floor a moment later than he expected. The strange, definitely not earth floor….

Eevee blinked, watching not one but two of his brothers curl together sleeping. Yesterday wasn't a dream he realized happily, watching the three other Eevees scattered throughout the tent sleep. A pleasant smell carried his paws out of the durable plastic flap, emerging to a bright, just after dawn day. The human (Thomas his always chaotic mind somehow supplied) was back making more hot food. Well, at least he seemed to be attempting with varying success, a stack of nice enoughly done pancakes sat on a plate to his left, with a smaller (but not by much) pile of black crispy pancakes to his right. Now the left crispy brown ones looked appealing, the Eevee thought the crispy, burnt pancakes smelled like a gift from Arceus himself.

Thomas stumbled in surprise when the stack of miserable pancakes clattered to the ground, only to laugh as he watched the dirtier of the Eevee pair dive at them hungrily.

"Well breakfast won't be ready for a bit more, but I wouldn't mind the early clean up crew" he giggled as the Eevee glanced up only for a moment, only to turn to back and attack the pancakes again.

"Just make sure not to scatter them too far" Thomas warned kindly, turning back to the camping stove " we'll have to clean up afterwards." The trainer smiled as the Eevee chirped in agreement.

Soon the others crawled out, and the burnt pancake (and other foods Thomas just didn't get right) devourer went to chirp and chat with the others. Food was served, equipment packed, and about two hours later Thomas was adjusting everything onto his back. If it hasn't been for Logan, Thomas knew he would never have had his stuff packed so neatly.

"Welp" Thomas said out loud "it's time to get going, we have a gym challenge next town" his four cheered different levels of excitement. He turned to the two wild runners "I guess this is goodbye for now" he smiled

After so many run-ins with Virgil, Thomas had skillfully learned how to hide his heart ripping out everytime he had to leave puzzle pieces behind.

This skill came into play hard when Virgil looked up at the trainer with such sorrow, Thomas nearly burst to tears right then and there. Instead he smiled, offering a hand for comforting pets. Virgil did not walk near the hand, instead letting out and angry hiss.

Thomas shook his head, wishing he could fully understand what Virgil was saying, but got the message "I can't force them, you know better than anyone here that I only bring members on my team if they want to join. Never by force, I always give an option."

Virgil wine was cut off though as the dirty Eevee snapped from his frozen trance and bounded forwards, stepping up to Thomas and putting his paw onto the human's hand. Somewhere in him remembered a similar interaction with Roman when they first met, but that was washed away when the other Eevee came up and chirped something, only to get tackled by Virgil right after.

"Oh" Thomas realized, smiling "I'm guessing that's a good thing?" He asked his team beside him. Patton nodded excitedly, Roman purred, and Logan merely flicked his tail positively.

"I guess I can do this then" he slid out two pokeballs, setting them on the ground. The wild pair looked at eachother one last time before the smaller marked one nodded, and both touched the white button.

"So" Thomas asked as the group wandered down the trail, focusing on the pair walking (or in the dirtier ones case bouncing) by his feet "I was wondering if I could offer giving you names? You don't have to, but-" Virgil rubbed the trainer's cheek from his spot in the hood, stopping the human's splutter of words before chirping some of his own down. The two below responded after a moment and Virgil gave off a purr as a signal: both had agreed it would be ok.

"Alright.." he mumbled. Earlier events of when the dirt covered Eevee had offered his paw in the same way Roman had came rushing back, turning and twisting until a name suddenly formed "how about Remus for you?" He wondered. Said Eevee stumbled as though surprised, but after a moment Remus gave a happy chirp, Thomas smiled in return.

Finally there was the Eevee with the special marks on his face. There was something in his mind that he felt for some reason, it just felt right for him to call the other

"Janus" he mumbled by accident out loud, the trainer's eyes widened as he glanced curiously at the pokemon "what about Janus?" The Eevee seemed to think hard although weighing the name vs. something only he saw, he knew. Before Thomas could speak the little Eevee glaced up and nodded, the most determined nod he had gotten out of the six of them for figuring out their name.

Six of them.

Thomas grinned widely as all six of his Eevees walked or rode on him. It had all started with Roman, the first time Thomas had found a puzzle piece. Then Patton and Logan, Virgil, and finally Remus and Janus. It felt right, like he was home. Like he was with family.

"It's interesting," he voiced quietly to his team "how many of us have seen each other before really meeting each other. There's even more to explore in the future, so many possibilities, so many mysteries. But I'm glad" he sighed gleefully as the distant sound of cars passed. The town was close by.

"I'm glad I get to do it with so many familiar faces. I'm glad that we all have connected stories. I.. honestly couldn't imagine walking our next journey without you guys, my completed puzzle

My family."

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