#silversirenpersonal

[silversiren1101]

He's gone.

[silversiren1101]

If it's not one animal it's the other. We had to rush achilles in to the emergency vet this morning and they took him immediately for surgery. We won't hear back until midday.

I think I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. I don't know how much more I can take.

[silversiren1101]

I've been a bit quiet recently here! Truthfully I'm super busy (as always), but really I've been feeling pretty disconnected from my hyperfixations (like Mino and wotr in general) because of dumb drama bs from a few months ago I'm having a hard time moving past and I'm not helping myself the best I could about it.

I am doing mostly okay though! The ER visit last week sucked and people from my work were more concerned and supportive than some people I consider friends, which sucks, and even people I am only casually acquainted with reached out with more concerned, which sucks even more. But! This is also just more reminder to myself that I need to be my own paladin like I try to be for others, and to stop investing so much energy in the wrong places. I'm trying to hang out with the friends I trust more and let new people in; baby steps. ❤️

Now back to your regularly scheduled shit posting.

[silversiren1101]

Achilles crashed. He's in the ER and they're trying to get him stable. His temp is 5 degrees too low.

[silversiren1101]

Apologies in advance if I'm more distant than usual, or if you reach out and I don't seem all there.

I've got my littlest hospice patient to take care of, and I've recently been made aware that what I thought was a friendship wasn't and I was secretly being hated and resented the whole time... again. For the fourth time in my life.

I don't know what I keep doing for this to happen. There's a single common denominator here, me, and I'm fully aware of that. I don't know what other options I have than to disappear from everything and everyone since it seems to be something just innately about me that causes the people I try to be close with to react and feel this way. I have to choose that the people that are saying otherwise, that I'm cared about genuinely and truly, are true, because the other option is nothing but a dead end.

So yeah. I'm tired. I'm still here, for now, but I can't promise what you'll find is going to be particularly cheery or fun for a good while yet. For everyone that has stuck around, I don't know what you see in me but just know I'm eternally grateful that you do see it, and I'm choosing to believe you just like I'd want someone to believe me the same way.

Thanks.

[silversiren1101]

We were expecting the next call to be asking us to come in and say goodbye to our boy.

Instead, we somehow were able to bring him home. Still no concrete diagnosis despite throwing every department and lab at him, he's truly somehow an enigma, but the one they've settled on is carcinomatosis even though they can't find the origin mass.

There's no cure. It's just about making him comfortable until it can't be managed with chemo or steroids anymore, which could be anywhere from a few days to months. We've been assured he won't be suffering in the meantime, which was our biggest concern.

So, they got him stable: body temp back to normal, eating, social, alert. And now he's home for however long he's got the strength to fight. I went from sobbing I wouldn't hear him purr ever again to sobbing because he's home now and won't stop purring.

I'll take however long you can give us buddy, even if it's just one more day.

Thank you everyone that's chimed in and expressed their condolences and hopes and well wishes.

[silversiren1101]

My therapist had an emergency and had to cancel on me this week, so I need to write down my thoughts before the ADHD void eats them. This one is a little raw.

There are so many sites and papers and resources about how trauma leads to hypersensitivity and how to be gentle and respectful of such victims, but I can never and have never found anything on how the same trauma can lead to you not being able to handle hypersensitive people at all--which sucks because it reminds me so much of the classic sucky case of incompatible autism quirks.

Growing up gaslit (literal actual definition) by my parents well into my early adulthood by being blamed for everything a sibling did, abused and punished for things they thought I said or did (no a sneeze is and never has been a laugh and even if it was does it warrant screaming yourself hoarse at a child), and told again and again I was born wrong and make people miserable and the reason I don't understand why is because I'm Evil (again, a child)... is it any surprise really that I get extremely angry around the flavor of sensitive person that by-default assumes the worst intent or thoughts in those around them?

Is it not the same thing? The assumption that I've done something bad or malicious that I have not and would not ever do? Overly apologetic people that compulsively apologize for even the most innocent things, posts/comments that exude those vibes or seem to be asking for permission to do things in their own space (why are you asking others stop putting this responsibility on someone else you're an adult), etc out of fear that they will be found annoying/make someone mad/literally explode and die. You know the type. Anyone you have to walk on eggshells around.

And DUH I know it's not personal, that's the worst part! Obviously it isn't! This is their own issues manifesting as a defense mechanism/desperation for acceptance just as I have my own, BUT it does unfortunately become a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I AM angry and annoyed as hell because an assumption of bad intent/faith has been made of me without any evidence (even though I am but a silhouette in a bigger crowd and it is not a direct personal thing in the slightest) and whoops that's my main trigger! Like oopsie (hypothetical) the killswitch is turning on and I'm seething because someone apologized for "being annoying" one too many times even though literally no one has said anything suggesting anything of the sort which means they surely see me as some sort of malicious horrific monster that hates them because why else would they assume such a thing when you wouldn't assume that of normal chill people you're cool with! Except no, of course they don't see you that way, it's just anxiety/trauma/whatever talking, please be more patient with them, etc etc.

To which I say Sure! Of course! I'll try my best! I understand completely!

Patience for me though? Asking them to (in the kindest gentlest way) to meet me halfway and accommodate me back in return by easing up on the constant apologies and assuming by default I want to hear from them and about them and want only good things for them?

Suddenly that's an impossible ask. I'm being callous just asking for that, you can't just ask sensitive people to "toughen up"! So it's expected of you to just keep face-tanking repeated triggers over and over again as you grit your teeth and try your best (ie "toughen up"). All the while you're working so hard to heal so you won't deal with this stupid fucking trigger anymore that makes you viciously angry at fellow abuse victims/anxious folks with different defense mechanisms... bonus points of course if they aren't trying to get better themselves while you're certainly expected to and demanded to because you have the "weird/wrong/less talked about" trigger and response.

It's just, unfortunate. It's an unfortunate incompatibility. It fucking sucks actually. I wish there was more in the way of resources and conversations for people like me, but I can't find any. It's so isolating and it only feeds into my detachment and dissociation tendencies more so that I don't have moments like this (concurrently making me feel everything less and care about nothing anymore).

And it's especially unfortunate because tumblr is a really bad place at times for me because of it. Most of the time it doesn't affect me (high mental health times, logic wins out). When it does, I try my best to simply not respond or acknowledge in any way the posts and content that turns me into a snarling snapping beast for the stupidest reasons (oh, someone apologized too many times in their tags or post on their own blog for whatever anxious reason and now I want to tear their throat out). I simply close the tab/channel/log out/close the computer, because I know I'm being very stupid and this is a nonsensical irrational response. It's not about me. I don't need to and shouldn't care.

In the rarest of cases, I've unfollowed. It takes a lot still for me to unfollow for this reason (I am thankfully not an impulsive person) but in the few cases that it has, I'm sorry I tried I explode them with my mind before realizing that was probably a sign I should not keep letting myself be exposed to things that make me think and feel that way. I probably did and still do think they're a cool person and liked them 90% of the time, and I don't have any blame or hatred or whatever negative feelings! It sucks being like this, I know intimately!

But, I am simply a very tired girl trying not to reach a breaking point and go sicko mode on someone because I got irrationally and disproportionately angry over anxiety posting on the fucking internet.

And for the love of GOD if you're actually close with me and we talk for realsies (not just tumblr moot) and reading this makes you anxious about how you act around me just fucking talk to me directly please. It really only becomes an issue these days when it's a repeated thing from the same person, and especially after it's been talked about and nothing changes. If you've shown a lack of capacity of change or no interest in it, wellllllllll

I'm in a liminal space I realize, between irrationally accepting "yes everything is my fault whatever you're accusing me of I absolutely did because I am intrinsically Bad" and "No how the fuck is that my fault? Why are you pushing your feelings and problems onto me when I have my own shit to deal with? How dare you?! How FUCKING dare you?!?! I should see you torn limb from limb like I wish to do to my abusers because you're doing the same bullshit that they did to me SO I'M DEFENDING MYSELF AS SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE BACK THEN YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET--*bark bark bark bark*--"

It's really tiring.

[silversiren1101]

Look at the time, it's "am I *really* annoyed with everyone and want to mass block/delete, or am I sliding into a dissociative cycle again."

[silversiren1101]

I wish the phrase wasn't the shortened "fight or flight" because if it was the full "fight or flight or freeze or fawn" I would've realized what the hell my entire deal is years ago.

[silversiren1101]

Does anyone else yearn to go back to a home that doesn't exist and never did?

[silversiren1101]

Some Changes:

I've muted fandom discords for the immediate future. I'll look at things when I decide to look at them. It moves too fast, feels like homework, and there's a certain type of personality that I really cannot handle on the day-to-day basis. It takes more energy than I get back out of it.

My personal DMs (here discord) are always open. If you want to talk to me that way, by all means!

I will no longer be indulging in others' guilt-tripping behavior. I am a busy person. I have a lot I do and a lot of real problems to deal with. Behavior of this kind aimed in my direction will either be called out directly, will be ignored, or you'll be blocked.

I've come to the realization recently that a combination of the things above have made me feel like my mother is back in my life. That is not a good thing. I really cannot keep going on walking on eggshells and hyper-analyzing every single innocuous word for fear it'll cause a blow-up of some kind. It's exhausting. This for my own personal health.

[silversiren1101]

Any other queers contemplate their identity and feel like you find one that the definition fits you almost perfectly but the actual proper 'label' of it you really hate the sound of?

[silversiren1101]

Depression is so dumb.

Hey all those things that usually bring you such joy and give your life meaning?

Yeah now they only make you anxious and you have no interest in them entirely. And you suddenly don't want to talk to people so the messages just pile up. And the emails. And the texts. And that just makes it harder to pull yourself up.

Eugh.

[silversiren1101]

I kind of wish I could somehow tip my current therapist because she's kind of a miracle worker.

But mainly because she gave me the 'homework' to come up with a different name for what I'd been calling the "monster in the basement" (ie the intense aggression-defensive response that 80% of my energy goes towards holding back from eviscerating most everyone around me at all times) and when I came back with the name "Grendel" she had the brightest most excited look on her face that only got more excited as I launched into a 10 minute explanation of the parallels between Grendel and Grendel's mother and my 'monster' and me.

Thanks Kristen for vibing with my incredibly modern and feminist interpretation of Beowulf that would have a lot of old dead men spinning in their graves lmao

"So yeah, being a descendant of Cain is some sins of the father shit that is a gross injustice and cruelty all because God Said So, and his life is loneliness and misery because of this cruel creator figure... BUT he also did kill a bunch of people which was a bit much, which is kind of like how my response to when-"

[silversiren1101]

Last month really felt like a solid month of just not being enough. Not enough for myself. Not enough for my friends. Not enough for the people around me. Not enough for my job. Not enough to save my boy.

I'm still in this space of feeling like nothing about me or what I have to offer is just never enough, and I'm not sure how to get out of it. I'm trying, god am I trying, but I feel like I've fallen into this pit of paranoia that's so hard to get out of.

I just want July to be a month of "okay." Not good. Not great. Just 'enough'.

[silversiren1101]

Hi everyone - I'm doing a little better. A few very sore spot triggers were fired in a very short amount of time. Nothing intentional by anyone. I stepped away so I wouldn't bite anyone that didn't deserve it. I love you all very much.

Merry Christmas, I mean it!