#anyway i've talked this over with the gf last night

[pharawee]

[I've accidentally deleted the original post so if you think this is familiar then it's because I already posted this yesterday. Here's a reblog of the original along with some replies but I wanted a version of this in the tag as well. 🙏]

I can't help it. I just feel so sorry for the Joe that used to be a model and fell into a coma for two years and is now just... gone.

I probably shouldn't. He's no longer there after all, and hopefully he's moved on/reincarnated by now.

But seeing as (for some reason I still don't completely understand) Ming makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I consequently just don't get Joe (aka the only Joe we ever really learn about) AT ALL, i have to focus on something.

And that something is how this Joe is really just an empty vessel for "our" Joe to pour his himself into. There's really nothing left of him except for some short glimpses of Winner Tanatat in a mirror. I know, this is deliberate. The story just doesn't have time to focus on anything beyond Ming and Joe, and that's absolutely fine.

Yet here I am, almost in mourning over a character we know nothing about. Was he kind? Was he well liked? Did he have friends? What about his job? What happened to him? Surely he was close to his mother because there's no hesitation in her love at all and Joe uses her picture as his laptop wallpaper. Beyond that, there's nothing. No trace of him remains. Not even muscle memory.

And sure, there's always a possibility that if someone spends that long in a coma they're not expected to wake up from, they might unfortunately be forgotten by most. But no one came for Joe after he made a miraculous recovery either. No one reached out. It's like Joe isn't only gone but so is every single facet of his life as well.

And I find that almost unfair - almost rude of "our" Joe not to make merit for someone he owes his second chance to. As if Joe only ever existed so that another person could completely replace him.

There's other Thai BL where the premise is kind of similar.

[SPOILERS FOR CHAINS OF HEART]

There's an extra chapter in the Chains of Heart novel where it turns out that the original Peter Lue's ghost is still around, wondering what happened and why someone took over his life. He moves on only when he's reassured that the new Peter Lue doesn't mean any harm and will continue to honour and care for the things most dear to him.

[END OF SPOILERS]

More often than not the deceased's life or even the ghost's presence is honoured and merit is made in their name if any kind of relationship or connection persists. That the same thing doesn't happen here makes me sad - especially if they ever find "our" Joe's body and lay it to rest when the same courtesy is never extended to the other Joe.

I also feel like it lowers the stakes of the whole transmigration thing. If everything remains the same except for a handful of fleeting visual reminders, and everyone who counts almost immediately recognises "our" Joe's essence anyway, then what's the point? Where does that leave Joe the model?

[dzvelinaskebiyars]

Okay so this is actually too made up but anyways...

Let's say that y/n was Izana's gf for a long time, and let's say that she was in Tenjiku, and sadly, she was also there when izana was killed, and after that, she disappeared from Tenjiku and losed contact with all of the members (including Kakucho, who was her best friend)

What would happen if years after Izana's death (in Bonten) Kakucho looked for her and took her to see Mikey, who is physically the same as Izana? What would be your reaction if Mikey asked her to join bonten?

(I've been thinking about writing a fanfic about his but I just need to see how she would react to that, because I genuinely have no idea)

Oh this is such an AMAZING angst idea and I'm all here for it. Thank you so much for requesting<333

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Izana definitely wasn't best boyfriend girls would dream of but he wasn't the worst one you could have had either. Yes, he was difficult person with trust issues, fear of abandonment, jealousy issues and lack of communication skills but he loved you and you loved him.

He was everything you had ever had. Even if his morality was gray, he was the one who teached you right and wrong, the one who supported you in his own ways. He was your world.

But he wasn't thinking that way. Of course, he never trusted people easily and tried so hard to keep distance from you, scared that he'll get hurt but maybe, just maybe, he had hurt you deeply.

But having to fight the Toman the same night he realised that, he didn't really have time to talk to you.

Curse your life. If God exists, then he probably hates you with all of his heart. He wouldn't bring justice or happiness in your way because you're cursed and doomed to lose everything and everyone you love.

But...This was your last straw. You knew, you always knew that Izana cared for people deep inside his heart, but you weren't ready to see him dying like that.

No, no, no. This better be a dream. Yup, a dream. Just horrible nightmare and you'd wake up soon, Izana sleeping beside you, fine and well. But oh, what a sweet little daydream that would be.

"I...Izana?" Your voice was shaky and weaker than you'd expected it to be. His teary and glassy eyes landing on your trembling figure as you tried so hard to don't cry in front of him, you should have stayed strong for him.

The regret washed over his face as he tried to find strength to smile, to reassure you somehow. "I'm sorry..." He said, his voice even weaker than yours.

You kneeled down by his side, your hands trembling. "...For what?"

"For...Everything." He responded, reaching out his hand to hold yours. He thought you were still angry at him or hated him even, after all, he made you suffer. But if he only knew how much you loved him...Tears started pouring down your cheeks as you desperately hold his hand. "Don't leave me...Please.." You sobbed, your grip on his hand tightening. As if that'd keep grim reaper from ripping his soul out of his flesh.

He managed to give you weakest smile you've ever seen him have and his body went limp, his hand falling on the ground.

You lost the man you loved the most. Right in your arms. There was nothing you could do about it. You couldn't fight the God or grim reaper, you couldn't ask them to give him back. To bring your boyfriend and best friend back to life. Humans are vulnerable and defenseless against death. As they say, it's part of living. All we can do is move on and live our lives.

But there was no way you could move on from this. How could you? How could you forget him? How could you live a day without him?

You don't remember much from that day but you know you screamed so much until your throat started bleeding, as that was the only way to shout at God for being so cruel.

After that day, you distanced yourself from everyone, hardly eating anything and completely neglecting your health. You wanted to visit Kakucho after you heard that he's alive but you couldn't even force yourself to get up from the bed.

That's when the most depressing days started for you. But you lived. You lived instead of Izana because you knew he wanted you to live.

But for whatever reason, after 12 years, Kakucho asked you to meet up with him so you did. What you didn't expected to see was Manjiro Sano, Izana's little step-brother, looking exactly like your boyfriend.

You could swear you immediately saw the imagination of Izana staring at you when you looked at the dark eyed boy. Your eyes started watering up but you didn't let yourself cry. You were still in shock but after 12 years of thinking that you might have moved on, Manjiro's appearance brought all the memories back, all the memories that you tried your hardest to bury away.

It hurt. Your heart physically hurt. It felt so heavy that if it was an actual weight, even the heavylifters wouldn't be able to lift it.

But joining Bonten? You knew it wasn't dream of Izana, not Bonten anyway. His actual dream was to give home to orphans, to build an empire but not like this so you were quite unsure about the offer.

But you accepted it anyway, only because this way, you'd be able to see someone who at least looks like Izana. Only for him. Only to see Izana again.

Death is cruel. It doesn't give a shit about your feelings. It'll rip everything away from you but maybe, seeing Manjiro was same as seeing Izana for you, maybe you craved to see Izana in Mikey, no matter how delusional that sounded.

Mikey could have acted and appear like Izana, but he'd ever be your Izana. Izana was unreplaceable for you.

You just craved comfort from Mikey's identical look to Izana.

♡♡♡♡

Hihihi! I'M SO EXCITED TO READ YOUR FANFIC BY THE WAY! I hope you're satisfied with this<333

[wistful-pigeon]

This Is My Life Now (once again) and I love being able to share my hyperfixation with both the Interwebs and Everyone I Know IRL

I just found this blog and idk if you can tell from my spam-reblogging of the Good Omens Content but huge fan keep it up

Awww thank you 🥰

I definitely plan to keep reblogging Good Omens content! Glad you are doing so as well 😀

[humorisstoredinthetits]

The Heathers + Veronica go on a Road Trip

Gee don't you just love when you write out a whole long ass post only for your computer to freeze and you lose all of your writing

So this will probably be worse than my original draft, but either way this is still going to be the longest thing I've ever posted to this site

But anyway, y'all really seemed to like the Comic Con one I wrote which why, that was one of the least inspired and generic ones that I did and I had no real ideas for the actual Comic Con part, but what I did have ideas for was the trip part, so I decided to expand upon it with this

Veronica, Duke and Mac are all stressed tf out

It's not that they don't love their jobs, they do, but it gets monotonous after a while

After a while of her gfs coming home downtrodden and low-energy, Chandler starts to notice

She realizes that she needs to do something about it, and eventually settles on organizing a get-away for the four of them

They talk it over and try to decide where they would want to go

They immediately rule out any high-paced vacations, like Disney World, as well as anything that would take them out of the country, as it would be too much work to get all of their passports in order and all of that

Eventually Mac brings up that her Dad has a beach house in California that they could ask to use for a week

They agree that it sounds like a good, relaxing time, and they start making preparations

The first thing they need to get settled is their pets

It starts off easy enough, Veronica's parents are more than happy to take JFK for the week

After a little bit of discussion, Martha, Betty and JD agree to take in Munchkin the Rabbit and Cornelius the Snake

Neither Martha nor Betty were too happy about the snake, but JD thinks they're neat and says that he'll keep it in his room so they don't have to be near it

The problem comes with Heather the cat

Heather is a very needy, loud, and aggressive cat, just like the person she's named after, and neither Veronica's parents nor her friends are willing to deal with it

JD especially did not want Heather in his home, the last time they had to take care of the cat she tried to eat his hamster, Slushie

So, they are forced to find a 'pet hotel' where they can drop her off

The hotel is none too happy to deal with this cat who will most definitely cause issues, so Chandler has to slide them some extra cash to get them to cooperate

After they get that settled, they start looking into flights

However, once they mention planes, Chandler goes oh hell no and adamantly refused to fly

The others try and fail to convince her to change her mind, but it is futile and an impasse is reached

Eventually Mac suggests that they drive, which none of the others are too keen on, but she adds that they could make a road trip out of it and visit different places

This grabs their attention, and they start figuring out all the different kinds of places they would want to go on their way

Veronica suggests different historical monuments like Mt. Rushmore

Mac would like to see some national parks and just be out in nature, seeing all the different kinds of wildlife

Plus after going to Disney World she really really wants to go to Disneyland, even if they only go for a day

Duke wants to see some weird roadside attractions

She saw a youtube video once about some of them and she wants to go see them in person, she just thinks they are just hilarious

Chandler doesn't really care what they do as long as her gfs are happy, she knows she is being an inconvenience with not wanting to fly, but she was terrified when they flew to Disney World and she just can't go through that again

They leave it to Veronica to plan a route, and here's what she came up with

From Sherwood they'll drive to St. Louis, visit the Gateway Arch, spend the night, then drive to

Kansas to see Wheat Jesus, before going to Nebraska and seeing the 15 ft. fork and pasta and Lighthouse in the Middle of the US, before spending the night in Omaha

From there, they'll drive to Carhenge, before heading to Mt. Rushmore and visit it and the surrounding area and stay the night

They'll then drive to the Wall Drug Store Inc., before they'll go to Yellowstone and camp there, before seeing the Car with 2 Front Ends

From there they'll drive down to the Grand Canyon and spend the night in the hotel (Chandler refused to sleep in the Desert)

'What if theres rattlesnakes? or Scorpions? or Coyotes?'

'I'll just become friends with them'

'Mac, honey, I love you, but I don't think scorpions are capable of the concept of friendship'

'You just haven't tried hard enough'

From there they'll go to the Hoover Dam, before getting to California and heading to San Diego Zoo, where they will spend the day

They'll drive overnight to Disneyland, where they will spend the day

After they'll head to the Redwood Forest National Park, before going to San Fransisco to go over the Golden Gate Bridge and visiting Alcatraz

After all of that they will finally get to the Beach House, where they decided to spend an additional week due to how long it would take to get there

(This path might be nonsensical, but its not meant to be sensical, this is a Tumblr post, not an actual trip)

With the plans changing drastically, they had to change their preparations

Veronica's parents and friends were more than ok with watching their pets for longer

JD was especially happy to hang out with Cornelius more, like he said he just thinks snakes are cool

But the pet hotel was really upset they had to watch Heather for longer

They almost canceled the reservation, but Chandler used her Heather TM powers and told the receptionist that they were going to keep the reservation and if Heather was injured, died, went missing, or anything preventable happened, she would make it her personal mission to make sure their business closed and that every single employee involved would never work at any business better than McDonalds for the rest of their sad, miserable lives

With the business thoroughly terrified, the reservation was secure

Next came the matter of work

Chandler was obviously a housewife, and so she didn't have to get off, she just asked Martha, Betty and JD to come clean, get the mail and most importantly maintain the lawn, and of course she would compensate them for their time

Veronica was self-employed, so she also didn't need to talk to her boss

'Ms. Sawyer please, I really need this break, I've been working so hard'

'No way Veronica, you are just so amazing and great, we cannot afford to lose you for a whole month'

'But I really need to go, who will make sure my gfs don't do something stupid'

'Veronica why are you talking to yourself'

Mac worked for her Dad, so she just had to ask him, which of course he agreed to

The problem came with Duke's job

Duke worked for a legal clinic that works to get abused children away from abusive households, and she was damn good at it

That was the main issue, she was just too valuable to be gone for a whole month

She begged and pleaded but they refused to give her the time off

After talking it over with her gfs, she decided to go with the tried and true Heather way and made a threat

She realized that if she was too valuable to let go on vacation, she was also too valuable to let quit, so she told her bosses that she would do whatever work she could while on the trip, but she was going on the trip, or she would quit

Thankfully for her they decided to give her the time off, but they would be sending her the paperwork while they covered her clients

That posed a problem, because they were planning on taking Duke's Jeep, and she refuses to let anyone else drive

But she also realizes that she can't drive, enjoy the trip, do her work and rest, so she had to cut one of them out

She goes 'I don't need sleep imma bad bitch' and decides to just work while the rest sleep

Upon telling her gfs this they gave her a look and told her that under no circumstances would she be allowed to forgo sleep for work and that if she tried, they would tie her to the bed

Duke said 'That's kinky' and Chandler gave her a bap on the head

**Line Break**

After much arguing she acquiesced and agreed that she would only drive for half of it and would do the work while the others drove

With all the bs settled, they moved on to preperation

They needed to get a few things, so they headed to Target

Chandler fucking loves Target, she is such a basic white bitch

They head into the store, grabbing a cart, and before anyone can say anything Mac grabs Duke and puts her in the kiddie seat

Duke starts screaming to let her out while Veronica dies laughing

After she calms down she runs to the Pokemon card section and comes back 5 minutes later with 5 different boxes and a handful of tins and blister packs

'You have a problem Veronica'

'Shut up Heather I don't have a problem you have a problem'

'We all have many problems, but yours is a whole addiction'

While her other gfs argue, Mac runs to the squishmallow section and grabs some before running back and putting them in the cart

Veronica starts arguing how Mac and her squishmallows aren't an addiction but her pokemon cards are, and Duke chimes in that she wants out of the cart

While they argue Chandler decides to just grab another cart and leave her immature girlfriends to be childish

She heads for the medical section, grabbing first aid kits, band aids, every single kind of general cream, pill or medicine that she could conceive of needing

She then heads for the camping section, getting a tent, sleeping bags, flashlights, rope, a knife, emergency flares, compasses, a dozen different other survival gadgets and about 20 cans of bug spray

It's around this time her gfs meet up with her and upon seeing all of the crap, they try to convince her that it's not needed

However, Chandler is a worrier and argues that its just in case

She does agree to put some of the bug spray back

They then head to get snacks

They get;

Chandler - Sun Chips (The Green ones), Nature Valley Bars (Also the Green Ones), Smartfood Popcorn, Red Vines, Strawberry Pop Tarts and who can forget Corn Nuts

After they finished at Target Chandler made them drive to Costco to get a industrial size box of Corn Nuts

Duke - Fruit Gushers, Barbecue Lays, Synder's Mini Pretzels, Nutter Butters, White Chocolate Kit-Kats, Fudge Stripes, Cosmic Brownies

Mac - Goldfish (The Rainbow Ones), Regular Lays, Golden Oreos, Trail Mix, Honey Buns, Cookies & Cream Pocky, Peanut M&Ms

Veronica - Salt and Vinegar Lays, Sour Patch Kids, Airheads X-treme, Sour Cream & Onion Pringles, Hot Cheetos, Scooby-Doo Gummies

She'll only eat the Scooby-Doo ones, one time they were out so Chandler had to get some other ones and Veronica refused to even touch them

She also just likes the weirdest food, it scares her gfs sometimes, like who actually likes Salt and Vinegar Chips

Once they're done with snacks they finish up by heading to the Swimming Aisle, Mac's Dad's house also has a pool

They decide to all get those obnoxiously large pool floats

Chandler gets one of those that have a cover on the top, Duke gets the Alligator, Mac googled and found a Lapras one online so she ordered it and Veronica gets the tank one that shoots water

Upon seeing that Duke reaches to the largest water gun she can from where she is still stuck in the cart, which causes Mac to also grab one

Chandler thinks its super childish but also, rather reluctantly, grabs one as well

They spend a few more days packing enough clothes for a month long vacation (They had a long talk with Chandler that they wouldn't be able to bring enough clothes to wear something different each day and when they were done she looked like she was having a Vietnam flashback)

Veronica finalizes their route while Chandler books all of the hotels they would need and gets their Disneyland tickets

** Line Break**

Finally, at long last, the day of the trip arrived

For once Veronica didn't have to get up at the crack of dawn to make her gfs drinks, they could barely sleep with how excited they were

And of course this is where they run into their first problem

They bought too much crap, so much that even Duke's jeep can't hold it all, so obviously they're gonna have to leave some stuff behind

First to go is the Industrial Sized Box of Corn Nuts

'Like seriously Heather you cannot possibly eat all of those Corn Nuts over the course of the trip'

'Watch me bitch'

They try to take the emergency stuff but Chandler puts her foot down, saying they're going to be driving through the wilderness, going to national parks, and staying at the beach house which is in a remote area, if they get stuck or something happens they probably won't have service to call for help

No one is willing to budge on anything else, so eventually they decide to just put some stuff in the backseat and whoever is there is just gonna have to deal with it

They leave and start heading to St. Louis

Duke drives, Chandler is riding shotgun, Veronica and Mac are in the back

After about an hour the novelty wears off, Chandler is being her usual backseat driver self, Mac is trying and failing to fall asleep and is getting agitated that Duke is driving so bumpy, and Veronica is playing Pokemon Violet on her Switch and getting her ass kicked by Iono over and over again so she's getting agitated

This makes Duke more and more angry until eventually she pulls into the parking lot of a Best Buy, storms into the store, and comes back with 4 pairs of noise-canceling headphones

She gives one to each of her gfs and tells them that they're gonna put these on and shut up before she turns around and that she is not dealing with this for the entire trip

That shuts them right up

No one talks until they stop at a McDonalds right outside St. Louis to get lunch, but even then their conversations are straightforward and short

They arrive at their hotel, put their stuff down (They had each packed a quick overnight bag with the things they would need like toothbrushes, change of clothes, meds, stuff like that), and Duke decides to apologize for how she acted earlier

Her gfs accepted her apology and admitted that they could have been more considerate of her

They came to the agreement that Chandler would keep her opinions about Duke's driving to herself, Mac and Veronica wouldn't outwardly express their frustration with things, and Duke would do the same with her frustrations about them

With that potentially trip-ending fight avoided, they head to the Gateway Arch

Chandler is bored bc ewwww learning and absolutely refuses to go up the elevator to the top, despite the pleading of her gfs

They go up and have a good time, looking over the city and into the Mississipi River below, while Chandler waits impatiently for them to get down so they can go to the hotel and relax

Eventually they come down and they head back, getting to bed early so they can leave early

Then they start heading to Kansas and Wheat Jesus

Chandler takes this part, Duke sits in the back with Veronica, Mac riding in the front

Nothing happens bc they're going through Kansas, the only thing there is a bunch of corn and weird ass religious signs

'Oh look guys this sign says we're going to hell for being gay'

'We know Heather, this is the 5th sign in the past half hour that's said that'

'Hell is gonna be fuckin lit, a bunch of lesbians with whips and chains and shit, its like a BDSM party that never ends'

'Shut up Veronica'

They eventually make a game out of it, which ever one of them can find the weirdest sign before they reach the hotel gets to be the one who can shower first

After sitting in the Jeep for hours upon end, they are kinda sweaty and are ready to shower, so it becomes a competition

Even Duke, who has her headphones in and is relentlessly typing away at her laptop, takes a break and participates

Obviously Chandler's ego will not let her lose, so she looks and looks until she sees one that says "You can't hold hands with God if you're 'mass debating'" (I'm not gonna use the actual word, but you get the idea of what it said)

They then reach Wheat Jesus, which is a billboard with a picture of Jesus in a field of wheat

Duke just thinks that its so stupid, even compared to the homophobic ones that they've passed

They take a quick picture and head back on the road

They head to Nebraska, which is more of the same

They eventually reach the Fork, which is another ridiculous thing that Duke finds stupidly funny

She manages to climb to the top while her gfs yell at her to get down, but she's able to get a good pic of her before a cop comes over and yells at them

After that they head to the lighthouse

Why is there a lighthouse in the middle of the Great Plains? Nobody knows

Chandler initially refuses to climb it bc 'it was so high up' but eventually she overcomes her fear

They get to the top, and are excited to see the view

They see grass, corn, wheat, and more weird ass billboards

They take a pic and agree that the Midwest fucking sucks

They head into Omaha, check into their hotel, and Chandler bolts to the shower, not forgetting that she won their little game earlier

They sleep and the next day they start towards South Dakota

Duke takes the wheel again, with Veronica finally getting to sit in the front

They head to Carhenge, which is just Stonehenge made out of cars

This time her gfs keep an eye on the gremlin so she won't climb things again

Chandler found all of these things kinda boring, but Duke is having fun exploring the attractions and buying a souvenir from each of them

Mac was also taking pictures of everything they've done, which she says she needs to make a scrapbook when they get back

Once they're done they start heading to Mt. Rushmore

Everyone is starting to get pretty bored

They've been driving for like 3 days now and they're running out of things to keep themselves entertained

And with boredom, there comes agitation, and they all too well remember what happened a few days ago when they all got pissed at each other

To lighten the mood they try to think of something fun they can do together

Duke suggests a movie but none of them can agree on which one, which only makes them angrier, same thing when she suggests putting on some music

Eventually Veronica googles 'things to do when you're bored' and comes across Prank Calls

They think its kinda childish but who are they kidding they aren't very mature people

After a bit of discussion they decide to call JD with the story being that Chandler is upset with her gfs and wants to elope with him

They know that he would never in a million years do that so that's why they agreed

They can barely contain their giggling while Chandler calls him

'Oh JD its horrible, my gfs are such immature children, I need a real man'

'Chandler'

'And look at you, such a strong man, I know you would treat me right'

'Heather are you drunk'

'Why don't we just run away, you and me, we'll move to Montana or some shit and have a big beautiful family'

' I would rather stick my dick into a slushie, impregnate it, and raise our hybrid slush-human children before I would ever consider having a family with you'

The rest can't handle it anymore and start bursting out laughing

JD realizes that this was a prank call and threatens to keep Cornelius forever

Duke shouts noooooooo and he hangs up

That keeps their spirits up until they reach Mt. Rushmore

**Line Break**

Once they get to Mt. Rushmore they check in to their room before heading to the monument itself

There's plenty to do, but first they all go to the mountain, take a few pictures, and just look at it

Before doing anything else they head to the gift shop where they pick up a few various things like magnets, a postcard, a bobblehead set for Veronica (She just thinks its funny) before Mac lays eyes on it

It's a 4 pack with a wig of each of the presidents along with a hat for Lincoln and glasses and a mustache for Roosevelt

She shows her gfs and says they have to get this and take a picture with them wearing these

For once Chandler doesn't have a stick in her ass and agrees to do it, but only if she gets to be Washington

Veronica is Lincoln bc she's the tallest

Mac is Roosevelt bc she loves animals and that leaves Duke as Jefferson, which she isn't thrilled about, saying that he sucks

She eventually sucks it up and puts on the wig

They stand in front of the mountain and get someone to take a picture of the 4 of them, standing in front of the corresponding president

Mac is really really excited about that picture, she says it's gonna look amazing in the scrapbook

They bring the wigs back to the room before heading to the Museum

Its actually a fairly interesting museum, going over the history of the architect, why the four presidents that were chosen were chosen, and even a bit about the Native American tribes that lived there

They take a Presidential Trail Loop, which isn't very long but gives them a good view of everything

Mac even gets some pictures of the wildlife which she is overjoyed about

As it gets dark they walk the The Avenue of Flags which Veronica is freaking out over

She's also a history buff so this whole experience has been just so fascinating for her

She is really into vexillology and loves identifying all the different flags and even discovering some she's never seen before

Finally, they go around the time of year they do the Evening Lighting Ceremony, where they light up the faces of the Presidents after watching a short film about the men whose faces were immortalized in stone on this mountain

Eventually they call it a night and head to the room

When they wake up and head out Veronica is actually kinda sad to leave

She is the one driving with Mac in the front and the other two in the back

But she quickly cheers up when they reach the Wall Drug Store Inc.

Its basically a Midwest Buccees

They have plenty of picture opportunities, including with a fake Mt. Rushmore that Mac puts right next to the big one in the scrapbook, and a Jurassic Park rip-off with a T-Rex Chasing them

They do a bit of shopping, Chandler even finding some boots that are up to her impossibly high standards for clothes

Then they go to the restaurant

They have Buffalo Burgers there

Both Chandler and Mac refuse to try, but Duke and Veronica say why the hell not and order them

They actually end up liking it a lot, its kinda earthy but also sweet, which is not what they were expecting from meat

They get some homemade donuts too, which are also amazing

From there they head to Yellowstone, where instead of spending the night in a hotel, they planned on camping

Before they got there, they stopped at a Walmart (there was no nearby Target, much to Chandler's horror) to get some hotdogs and buns to cook that night

Camping required moving everything out of the back to get to the tent, medical supplies, emergency supplies, and sleeping bags, moving it all back in, and bringing all of that with them to the designated camping spot

By the time they finish all of that they are sweaty and exhausted, expect for Mac who kept in good physical shape even after graduating and finishing cheerleading

They quickly get to work setting up the tent, only to realize that none of them know how to do this

They have the instructions, but something gets lost between Duke reading it out and the other 3 following what she's saying

It takes a good 2 hours before they have a tent that doesn't fall down after 5 seconds

Once they finally get that done with, they try to start a fire

Keyword Try

They try using the fire starter that Chandler bought, it doesn't work, they try using glass to redirect sunlight, doesn't work, they even try rubbing sticks together

They are all getting super frustrated and worse, they're starving

Duke gets the idea to do all three things at once to try and start the fire

Chandler says that that's stupid, if one didn't work why would all at the same time work

But while she's yapping Mac grabs the sticks and Veronica grabs the glass

Somehow it actually works and they manage to start a fire and Chandler is just done with everything and decides to go sit in the tent and cool off

Eventually she goes out to cook the hot dogs and despite the fact she's cooking them in the middle of the woods they actually turn out decent

Once they've eaten they decide to walk around and see the nature

Yellowstone is beautiful, they just walk around, not saying a word, enjoying the serenity of nature

Mac takes the occasional picture of waterfalls or the hot springs, but besides that the only sound heard is the crunch of leaves or rocks beneath their feet

Eventually they reach the hot springs

Duke leans over to feel the heat better

And she almost falls in

She is only saved at the last second by Mac grabbing her

After that they decide to go back to camp

On the way Mac keeps a look out for wildlife

She sees buffalo, coyotes, deer, mountain goats and even a marmot

It takes all of Mac's willpower not to run up and start hugging the marmot, she can't help it they're just big fat prairie dogs

When they get back to camp they see a bear foraging around in their food

Chandler screams at the sight of it which causes the bear to notice them and start growling and swiping its claws towards them

Everyone is freaking out, they're trying to figure out how to get to their bags bc maybe they could use the bug spray to spray in its eyes until it runs away or maybe use the flare or knife

Everyone is freaking out, expect for Mac

She walks straight up to the bear, slaps it, and says 'GO AWAY' in the loudest voice she can manage

The bear just looks ashamed and slowly trods away

Her gfs are just stunned and don't say a word

They get set up for the night, getting their sleeping bags out and getting marshmallows to make smores

As they are eating they start to notice something

There are a lot of bugs

Thankfully this is something they are actually prepared for as Chandler goes into the tent and hands each of her gfs a can of bug spray

Once they spray a bit and the bugs either leave or die it's actually kinda nice

As they are eating their smores Duke suggests they tell scary stories

She says that she'll start

The story she tells is so dark and gruesome that by the time she's finished both Chandler and Veronica are shaking and Mac is hugging Chandler tight and on the verge of tears

She pretty much killed the mood with that so they put out the fire and went to bed

When they get up in the morning none of them have gotten more than a hour's sleep each

They are all exhausted and their backs hurt and want nothing more than to sleep in a real bed

But they know they have to keep moving on if they wanna stay on schedule

They quickly pack up and head out of Yellowstone

Duke drives with Veronica in the front and Chandler and Mac in the back

**Line Break**

Chandler tells Veronica that if she ever suggests going camping again she will leave her stranded in the woods

Then Veronica says that if she ever suggests it to put her in a mental institution

They eventually reach the Car with Two Front Ends

Its another silly roadside attraction which is exactly like it sounds, a car with two front ends

They take some pictures before heading back to start the drive to the Grand Canyon

They are all exhausted, they've got no real sleep and have only eaten fast food

So they decide to alter their plans a little, instead of doing the Grand Canyon today they'll relax in the room before doing it tomorrow

To do this they would have to skip the Hoover Dam, which no one is sad about but Duke

'Heather why do you even want to go there, its just a dam?'

'I know why she wants to go'

'Shut up Veronica'

'She wants to make dam jokes'

'.... Like from the Percy Jackson books?'

'Yeah'

'I should've expected that'

They get to the resort at the Canyon and rush to take a shower and relax

Of course Chandler being the princess she is insists on going first

She takes so long that the other three get fed up, go in the shower and drag her out, before deciding to just say screw it and take one together so they don't have to wait any longer

When they get out they decide to just all get in bed and cuddle while watching TV

Before that they also decide to turn the AC down to the lowest setting it can go

They pass out pretty much immediately

When they get up they quickly load their things back into the car before heading to the Canyon itself

They visit the Visitor's Center, where they watch some introductory videos and look around the exhibits

They then go to the gift shop and pick up some souvenirs

Duke spots some cowboy hats and gets an idea

She runs up behind each of her gfs and places a hat in their color on each of their heads

Chandler thinks its stupid (big surprise there) but the others like it so they get the hats

She's thankful for the hats when they start going down the trail, because the sun is blazing down on them and it is really fucking hot

They're taking a trail down to the bottom where they are gonna go whitewater rafting in the Colorado River

The entire way down Chandler is petrified that she's gonna fall or they're gonna run into a rattlesnake or something

She's so happy when they reach the bottom that she could cry

After a quick tutorial the four of them get into their raft

You would think after years of being friends, then gfs, and being a part of a clique they would be able to work together on this simple task

You would be wrong

Chandler and Mac are sitting in the front and Duke and Veronica in the back

Chandler is barking orders to everyone while Duke is telling her that she's doing it wrong and so they all start yelling at each other

The instructor is paddling over to them trying to tell them what to do but none of them can hear her over their own shouting

Eventually their raft hits a rock and it flips over

Thankfully they are all strong swimmers and so are able to get to the shore quickly and without being injured

The water was actually pretty cold so none of them were too upset

They eventually made the way back up, stopping at several spots to get different views of everything

They then get back in the car, cranking up the AC before heading to San Diego

Mac drives here, Chandler in the front and the other two in the back

They're getting closer and closer to their destination, and with that they're getting more antsy

Even with the frequent stops they've been driving for days and they just want to be there already

Veronica spent like 2 hours trying to convince Chandler to try playing Pokemon with her and Mac, but she refuses bc she has a stick in her ass and hates fun

At least that's what Veronica claims is the problem

She tries appealing to her ego, saying that the whole point of the game is about becoming better than everyone else, but to no avail

The drive to San Diego feels like an eternity, but once they see the Pacific on the horizon they realize that it was all worth it

They reach the hotel and sleep, before waking up and heading to the zoo

Mac is like a very excited child, she's running around the place and just beaming

They paid for a VIP tour, so they had a personal guide taking them around the zoo

They even got to go up close and personal with some of the animals

They let them feed the giraffes, elephants, monkeys, capybaras, penguins and so much more

Most of the animals were really chill and even let Mac hug them, which just made her so happy

When the tour was over Mac said that they were coming back one day and doing this again and was crying happy tears

They stop at the gift shop and of course she picks up a bunch of plushes

They have no room in the Jeep but that hasn't stopped them from buying stuff before

From here they head to Disneyland

They stay at the Disneyland Hotel, which is so fucking cool

It's a hotel that has a bunch of Disney history, so they spend some time looking around that the exhibits

They even have this giant wall full of old Disney merch, which they take a minute to look around and find all of the cool stuff

They then head to Downtown Disney to do some shopping

They buy some of the usual stuff, pins, plushies, a few shirts and various knick knacks

Duke buys a few more lightsabers, justifying it by saying they were on sale

They have to pull Veronica out of the Lego store before she buys the UCS Millenium Falcon

They get to bed early, because in the morning they have to deal with Drill Srgt. McNamara

She wakes up before them and yells at them to hurry hurry hurry

She does not stop they are all ready and the second they are she grabs their hands and drags them to the park enterance

They have to get done with both Disneyland and California Adventure, and if they are gonna do everything they have to hurry

Since they are staying on-property, they are able to get in 30 min early, and Mac drags them to Tommorowland and is able to get everything done there

Everything goes fine until the Nemo Submarine ride, its dark and cramped and Chandler is not a fan of it

She screams like a little bitch whenever the angler fish jumpscares them

By the time the park opens fully they are in line for the Matterhorn

The Matterhorn is one of the most bumpy rides, and by the time they get off their backs are killing them

People start flooding in to the park and wait times are going up, so Mac drags them from one part of the part to another, doing whatever has the shortest line

They go from Small World to Smuggler's Run to Jungle Cruise to Rodger Rabbit to Haunted Mansion, you get the idea

By the time they stop for lunch everyone is exhausted, except for Mac, who seems annoyed they had to stop

They've gotten about 3/4ths of the park done, and they still have California Adventure to do

They try asking Mac is they can slow down but she just laughs and says that if they slow down they won't get everything done

Veronica tries telling her that they could always come back, its not like they couldn't afford it or that their work wouldn't let them but she doesn't wanna hear it

However she does agree that she'll take the next leg of driving so they can rest while they head to Redwood National Park

That sounds like a fair compromise to them so they keep heading out

They quickly wrap up Disneyland and head to California Adventure

There less rides there, so they can afford to go a little bit slower

** Line Break **

On the Little Mermaid Dark Ride, they had to cram themselves into a single clam which was super uncomfortable but it was worth it when they got to the 'Kiss the Girl' scene and they all kissed each other

They head to the Spider-man ride, which requires the rider to shoot webs by making the Spider-man web shooter gesture and moving it back and forth

Their hands were cramping so badly when they got off

Duke won and was gloating which obviously pissed off Chandler, which causes her to drag her to the Toy Story ride to get revenge

Chandler does end up winning that round, so she declares that they are even

Eventually they finish all the rides and decide to get dinner

They go to Flo's Cafe in Cars Land, where they see the best menu item ever

Its the Ka-Cheeseburger, like Lightning McQueen's catchphrase Ka-Chow

They all think that it is just the funniest thing ever, so they all get one, plus a Piston Cup cup

Once they finish their dinner (it was just alright) they head back to Disneyland to watch Fantasmic! and finish up shopping

They head to bed, pack up, and head on the road

Mac drives while the others sleep, exhausted by the previous day's events

She wakes them up once they reach the forest

The main reason they came was because they filmed Endor there in Return of the Jedi, so after walking around the trail for a few hours, admiring the giant trees, they find the exact spot they filmed some scenes in the movie and take pictures, using the lightsabers that Duke bought at Disneyland as props

After they finish up (and of course grabbing some souvenirs) they head back towards San Fransisco

They drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, which isn't anything special besides the fact that it is the Golden Gate Bridge

Compared to everything else they've seen and done over the trip a random Bridge is probably the least interesting

They then do the final thing of the road trip, which is going tour Alcatraz

They get on the ferry and start the tour

Its actually pretty interesting, even Chandler finds it entertaining

After the tour is over they have a little while to look around on their own

They go to some of the cells and start taking pictures

They pass by a random cell and Duke decides to play a prank

She nudges Chandler and says that she saw something weird in that cell over there

Chandler goes to take a look and Duke closes the door behind her

Upon realizing that she was trapped she starts screaming at Duke to let her out while Duke just laughs her ass off

'You've been a bad bad girl Heather, and now its time for your punishment'

'DUKE THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR SEXY TIMES LET ME OUT'

'Only if you say the magic wordddd'

'Please?'

'Noooo, you know what it is'

'I'm not saying that'

'Say it or you're staying in there'

'....Duke is the most goregous, most sexy, smartest, prettiest Heather there is'

'And?'

'and she is much better than me at Toy Story Mania'

After that incident they take the ferry back and start the final leg to the journey, to the beach house

They actually have to circle back towards Los Angeles as the beach house is farther south, but eventually they arrive at the house

Its rather isolated, the nearest house is a few miles away

It's on the seafront, with a spacious beach area in the front of it

It's a two-story modern-styled house, complete with a pool, game room, and movie room with a 98in TV

They quickly unloaded everything, before driving out to Target to grab food to make for the next two weeks, before

Their first day at the house they spend in bed

The past week of constant travel and doing things has exhausted them beyond belief, more than they ever thought possible

Chandler doesn't even feel like cooking, they just DoorDash Chinese food

Once they've rested and can feel their feet again, they start doing things

Their days go generally like this;

They sleep in until around 9ish

While her gfs shower, Veronica makes their coffee/tea, and after they are done Veronica takes her shower

They put on their bikinis and head down to the beach

Chandler generally doesn't go in the water, she spends most of her time catching up on some reading and sunbathing

Duke and Veronica picked up some Boogie Boards when they went to Target, and take some time trying to surf

Trying is the key word there, they aren't very good at it, but they have fun with it

Mac alternates between swimming and building sand castles

She spent a lot of the ride watching Youtube videos on people building them, and she was inspired

She also collects sea shells to put in her scrapbook

Around lunch time they'll go back inside while Chandler cooks

She's been trying some new recipes and while they aren't all hitters, she's having fun trying new things out

After that they'll take a nap before doing something in the afternoon

Sometimes they'll take a dip in the pool, which has a slide

Duke will wait at the top of the slide until someone on the float passes by, and then she'll quickly slide down and land on top of them

Other times they'll get out the water guns and start shooting each other

If they don't go to the pool they might head to the game room

They have a bunch of board games

They play some Trivial Pursuit, which Veronica wins handily, or Monopoly, which they end up having to abandon because Chandler and Duke are getting competitive again

They also have some video games

As soon as she sees Mario Party Veronica grabs it and hides it somewhere upstairs

They are not having a repeat of the Mario Party Incident

They play Jackbox Party, which causes Duke to laugh so hard that her sides start to cramp

If not games, then they go to the movie room and watch some movies

Mac's dad has both a large collection of DVDs and a bunch of streaming services, so they have essentially unlimited options

There's a pull-out couch that they use to lay down on, and they cuddle while watching things

At night they'll get some wine and go sit on the beach, just watching the sunset and enjoying each other's company , before calling it a night

They stay this way for two weeks, just relaxing without a care in the world, until the day comes that they need to pack up and go

It takes forever to get everything to fit, bc they bought just so much crap

They manage to get it all to fit, but whoever is in the backseat is gonna need to sit on someone else's lap

Its illegal but who cares

As they're finishing up Mac says that she's gonna go take a quick walk on the beach

She comes back 5 min later upset, saying that she dropped one of her earrings

Her gfs rush to come help her

Mac suggests that they dig through the sand to try and find it

While they are digging Duke finds something

Its not Mac's earring, its a small chest

Confused, she opens it, only to see 4 smaller boxes, one red, one yellow, one green and one blue

The three of them look at Mac, who is struggling not to smile, as she hands Chandler the red box, Veronica the blue box, and Duke the green box, before grabbing the yellow box herself

She tells them about how her life has been changed because of them, and how its improved in every conceivable way

She further says that without them, she doesn't know where or even who she would be, and that she wouldn't want to be anyone else than who she is right now, and that she has them to thank for it

She then says that she cannot see a life without them, and that she doesn't even want to imagine it and thats why she wants to make it permanent

** Line Break**

After she says this she gets down on her knee and tells them to open their boxes, revealing a ring in each one

Each ring is ornate, containing Heather flowers and roses with a diamond at the center, obviously in each of their respective colors

She then asks the question;

"Will you marry me?"

They're all crying, and they all pull each other into a group hug before saying that they will

So they leave the beach house, a ring on each of their fingers

They get home, and Mac gets started on the scrapbook of their trip

She works day and night in-between work and spending time with her fiancees

Eventually she gets to the last page, with a picture of the four of them on the beach, and another picture of their rings

She writes the word 'girlfriends' next to it, before grabbing a red sharpie, x-ing it out, and writing another word before circling it in green

The word is Wives

The final word count of this is somewhere around 25k words, so jesus christ I wrote a lot

If you read all of this you are awesome and I hope you enjoyed this

[polyamorousmood]

Hey, it's 🫀!!

I am having such a great time with my bf and my metamour (that's what you call someone your partner is dating but you two aren't, right?) and I just thought I'd give an update :)

My bf and I are hanging out all the time and he got so excited that I got along with his gf. She and I have a lot of shared interests, and we both rly care about our bf so we have this understanding of each other that I think is hard to come by.

We were making jokes about all living in one really big house with all of our cool stuff plastered all over the walls so it was like one giant fusion of all of our identities and interests. It's kind of an ongoing joke for us and since I'm an artist I draw a lot of comics about it.

Also, I've heard that jealousy is something that people in polycules can experience a lot regarding their partners and the divided attention, and while I don't feel that right now, in case I do what tips do you have to deal with it?

Anyway that's all I have to say rn so have a lovely day/night :)

-🫀

Queued this up!

Hi 🫀!! its good to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well 🥰

You used metamour correctly, and how great it is to have one you really like. Be careful what you joke, it just may happen 😜

I talk about how to address jealousy in this ask and there's a lot more relevant advice here as well, so start with those. Seriously. Stop reading this and go read those. Look I'm even putting in a read more to further discourage you from reading this without reading those. You have to click something anyway so just click those first. ✌️

Okay so its SUPER nice you're not having any jealousy yet, 🫀, hell yeah! Also like, major vote of confidence that polyamory is for you. I do have some jealousy (though of course still worth and I think a lot less than mono people!). One of the big things for me I realized is that I need to have a relationship of my own -- usually a platonic one -- with my metamour outside of just third wheeling on my partner's hangouts with them. Last metamour, as soon as I went out to lunch🍽️ with them -- just the two of us -- everything immediately felt better and more natural 🌿

I think with everything going so well and you feeling so good about hanging out all together, you're probably not going to have a lot of problems with it. If you do have anything, I think its most likely to be one thing in particular just striking 🎳 a nerve with you? So you know, if there's anything that you catch yourself conceptualizing as ✨special✨ and just for you and your partner, make sure all relevant parties are clear on that.

Other than that I think the biggest thing is going to be keeping lines of communication clear. Make a point to comment on how things make you feel, even if it just feels nice or neutral. Being in the practice will prevent it feeling weird if you have to comment on something later for your sanity🧠. I think you have a really good set up though, 🫀! Its literally the dream scenario for a lot of poly people. Your partner better appreciate you and your meta both!! 😜As always, keep me posted!! Your messages make my day every time I get them

[theflyingfeeling]

hi hi hellooo! Aleksi's remix of Let Me Down Slowly came up on my youtube recs and it instantly reminded me of your amazing fic and I knoooooooooow I said it a million times but thank you so much for writing it and sharing it, it's so fucking good!!!!!!! 💖💘💖💕💖💖💘

now imagine, pining-idiots-that-haven't-realized-they-are-in-love Allu and Olli are probably enjoying their well deserved breaks from all the stuff they did in 2023 (and most likely with their partners by their side), but I like to imagine that they still make some time for at least one video call once a week, or that they exchange dumb texts daily because they miss each other so much 🥺💕

maybe Olli grabs his guitar one night and comes up with some beautiful riff that he sends to Allu, but this time Aleksi decides that they have to finish it together side by side (clearly an excuse to see Olli again because oooops, he realized he has Feelings™ for his friend and bandmate) and well, Olli had to travel to Helsinki anyway (to make sure the new posters were shipped correctly, or to sign a legal document or some made up bullshit), soooo why not stay at his just-a-friend-i-swear's place for a few days?

they would have the Moment Of Realization late at night, around 2AM when Allu is finally done with the remix and Olli is already asleep on the couch (is he really asleep, though? or just enjoying the moment with his eyes closed?). Allu would not resist the temptation of brushing a curl off Olli's beautiful face, and maybe caressing one of his cheeks while he can, not forseeing that Olli would be very much awake, so now they're both holding their breaths and staring at each other with so much love 💖💕💘

maybe they finally dare to get closer and share a shy little kiss after all those years of pining, or maybe they feel like they can't do it, not while they still have a significant other, and leave the studio confused and unsure of what to do next 🥰

anyways, it's already late over here and I used my last braincell to daydream about this 😅 have a lovely lovely day 💖💕💘💖💕💘

OH MY GOD???!!?!?!??!?! 😭😭😭😭😭

this made my stomach do the thing because akdjshfksjfdkf I've honestly spent the entire Christmas break thinking about the two of them constantly checking their phones and not really understanding why they feel so disappointed when there's no new text from the other or why they feel a pang of jealousy when the other posts a holiday greeting in the group chat (=a selfie with their gf with a cheesy Christmassy/NYE edit and a text "Happy Holidays from us!")

amd aaaahhhh imagine soft Olli playing softly on his soft guitar AND THINKING OF ALLU THE WHOLE TIME DJDHFGFFJFF I meaaaaan may I remind y'all that yet again this is not just something the delulu made up but instead it's something that actually for real happened with the Let Me Down remix 😭 obviously we don't know if Olli had the riff ready and Allu just happened to need one and it came up in a conversation, or if Allu asked him to make him one, or if Olli just sent the riff to Allu who was so inspired (and in love (with the riff! or at least that's what he convinced himself then)) that he made an entire remix based off it 🥺 my point here is that it's TOO EASY to imagine them doing exactly what you just derscribed 🤧💕

and yeah, I have also been imagining their first kiss and how terrifying it would be for the both of them 😭 I mean, I want to assume that the "deep talks" they've had over a glass of wine or a bottle of Mountain Dew (again, something we know for certain they done, not just something the delulu has decided is canon!!) they have also discussed sex and/or sexuality and came out as bi to each other, so it's not the fact they're both dudes and about to kiss each other that's messing with their heads rather than the fact they're both in relationships skgjdjfksjfsjfjdjf fuck why am I so invested in this 😩

bonus points indeed if they only ALMOST kiss before they snap out of it and aaaaaaaaaa poor confused boys!! because this whole time they've been like "I don't actually like him that way, and even if I did nothing could ever happen because we're friends and co-workers and he's taken" but then they realise they were having an undeniable Moment(tm) and the other was actually about to kiss them back too so they're like ???????????????? oh god 😭

thanks for this, I feel so validated once again 🙈

[compassionatereminders]

May I vent please? I feel horrible about something that just happened. Long post ahead /

Backstory: My flatmate and I have about two weeks left together before I leave and we've had a... complicated relationship. I've gotten attached to him in a certain uhh BPD-esque way that I've tried hard to control, especially since we had a short-lived fling a few months ago. (I am not proud of myself for back then - he was in a failing relationship, cheated by kissing me, and then we guiltily danced around each other until he broke up with his girlfriend. I don't want to repeat those mistakes. He and his ex eventually seemed to clear the air and started texting again but to the best of my knowledge he was still single.)

But he and I patched things up after that fling went sour and we became something close to friends again, and then... we started dancing around each other again in the last few weeks like before. This time we acknowledged that we need different things, and it's a bad idea to pursue it without enough time to potentially mend things before I leave... but we've still been physically affectionate, hung out a lot playing video games, shared a bed, and admittedly kept up the dance between us anyway. Both of us are just lonely, and sexually frustrated, but I told him I wasn't comfortable right now seeing to his needs, that I needed a bit more focus on mine, so we decided this wasn't something we could do for each other. We've still been sharing a bed, and getting carried away sometimes. That's been the limbo until yesterday.

YESTERDAY: oh my god yesterday. Since confirming that I was still sticking to my boundaries about not being able to give him much right now, I thought we were fine, he was nice about it, and I was even starting to feel more comfortable about starting to give him what he wanted! I thought we could end these last two weeks on a high note. Then yesterday he didn't even make eye contact, he told me he was going to see a comedy show, I caught him looking up a place in town to eat that I recommended him, even though he hates going out to eat for no good reason, and he avoided questions about it. And then I saw him furtively texting his ex gf about when to meet up. His ex whom he's kept out of our discussions this whole time and NEVER cited as a reason not to pursue things. I thought that despite the guilt I have around that still, at least she was no longer a point of issue.

I obviously went "well they can just go see a show and have dinner as friends and I shouldn't be jealous or angry over assumptions I'm making about this" but it just wasn't sitting right. He left telling me not to stay up for him. I stayed in the living room anyway until he came home. Kat, HE BROUGHT HIS EX HOME. REALLY FURTIVELY. He didn't even acknowledge it until I asked because I saw her literally move behind him into his room. He wanted me to not even know he was out with her, let alone bringing her back; he never properly declared an end to our situationship (or at least never honoured the end of it)... and this would make more sense if it was JUST about the discomfort of bringing one's EX into the home of the person one CHEATED with, right? But alongside the fact that we've been literally almost having sex every other night for weeks, and then this happens the moment I stick to my boundaries, how can I believe that he's been honest with HER about what's going on between us either?? I'm certain he's just using her to fulfill the needs I didn't want to, but I don't know if SHE knows that, and I feel so out of currency to talk to her. I even tried leaving her a note in her jacket letting her know what's going on, but I must have gotten confused because when I saw her leaving through my window, she wasn't wearing that jacket. So I don't know what to do now.

I know I'm not the best person in this story but I'm trying to be better than before, and this whole thing has just psyched me out. If he's getting back together with her shouldn't I have a right to know, given my position right now? And if he wanted to bring her home, couldn't he have waited TWO MORE WEEKS until I left?? I'm losing my mind and my own guilty conscience is making it really really hard to see clearly. I could really use some advice if anyone is willing - is this my place to challenge? Having agreed it's a bad idea to pursue it, does that mean I forfeit all right to acknowledge that we were still going? Should I try and reach out to her another way or leave it? Should I confront him?? I'm so upset about it all particularly with the probably-BPD attachment to him, and with how good I was starting to feel about him again. I'm still barely processing it.

This is a mess, but it's not on you that he's bringing his ex into it without being honest with either of you. Just get out of there and try to move on, cause he's not respectful towards either of you

[oh-my-damn]

Okay I need some advice. I’m 22 and it’s never really bothered me that I’ve never had a boyfriend, had sex, etc. It truly doesn’t bother me in the slightest but last night me and my gfs were out and we ended up talking to some guys, just laughing and talking ya know? One guy asked for my number and my friend immediately was like ‘omg are you sure she’s a virgin u know’ and laughing trying to make it out as a joke but I knew she was being bitchy. I’ve notice this recently quite a lot with her like I got offered this business apprenticeship last week and I was so excited and she just kinda shit on it like ‘wow Business so fun doing that for the rest of your life’

Anyway lol, that was super long and I’m sorry but yeah. Pls tell me I’m not weird for being 22 and a virgin, I’m like the only one in my friend group and I can never forget because they remind me constantly lol

Okay, first of all.

I'm going to say this in the nicest way I can which is not at all. Dump her. Immediately.

That girl is not your friend.

I've had a friend like that. She would talk about my sex life to try and embarrass me, especially if we were amongst guys. She would literally spill details about my sex life at the table if we went out. Intimate details I'd told her in confidence. I am very open about sex and always wrote it off as her trying to be interesting because she didn't have much going on herself, but I should have seen the redflags when they first happened.

She was a bad fucking friend and ended up trying to ruin my life and get my severance at my job, when it closed down after I'd been there for seven years, taken away from me by lying to corporate (we worked at the same place, I was her boss).

Shady people have no place in your life. That is toxic, unacceptable behavior, and while it might be scary to cut people out of your life, I promise things will get so much better and easier once you do.

Would she be there if you truly needed someone? Would she come comfort you if you called?

Because if the answer is no or even if you're in doubt, then keep her at a distance. She may have insecurities that you trigger (she might be jealous of parts of your life or who you are etc) and it will only get worse because only insecure people treat their "friends" that way. That is not a friend.

Second of all, you're not weird for being a virgin at 22. I lost my virginity at 14, and it was a very lovely experience with my boyfriend at the time and I felt completely safe and have never regretted it since. But that is not how it goes for everyone.

I always tell my friends that your first time should be treasured; it should be with someone you feel safe and comfortable with, and it should be on your terms. Preferably with someone who understands the weight of the act of it being your first time and someone who cherishes you.

Of course, everyones experience is different, but I've always said to my friends that I hope they have a wholesome, safe, intimate experience, and whenever they've said "maybe I should just get it over with" I always talk them out of it.

It is not a bad thing to want to wait for the right person or right time - that's smart. You will remember this for the rest of your life (I've remembered mine, and I've cherished it, and it helped give me a very healthy relationship with sex. I understand everyone is different and have different experiences, so it might not be the same for everyone, but you asked for my advice and this is my experience)

Don't rush it and don't feel bad for taking your time. You should feel that it's right when it happens, and that the person you do it with is right, too.

Don't sweat it hon. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen.

But as for that friend....

Cut her off. Cut her out. She's no good and she won't get any better bc if you trigger her insecurities, it will spiral until it reaches a boiling point and it could end up affecting you way worse than you'd ever imagine.

Fake friends aren't friends, they're actually obstacles we need to get over in our life to make it better. ❤️

[captainrayzizuniverse]

Yes! Thank youuuu @goldcrumble for this I truly need it now. I’m sitting in Kelowna waiting for the worst year of my life to be over in the most unremarkable way (binging on paw patrol with my nephew) and what better way to do it than this? Beware, long ass essay incoming. 

When did you become a Louie? (This is about to get loooong)

I love talking about this because it’s such an interesting journey for me compared to other artists I love. I used to watch British reality tv with my grandma every year and that of course includes x-factor and strictly come dancing (and the GBBO, sewing bee, BGT etc..it was unhealthy) which usually start around the same time. We started with x-factor when leona lewis won until the last season with Louis as judge. So yes of course I watched the one with 1D and I was rooting for them during the show (and Louis was my LEAST fav only because I’d watch the xtra factor and the video diaries and he was SO loud and obnoxious and basiclly everything I find annoying in a person. Sorry it was what it was. Anyway after that season I never paid them any attention but we continued watching x-factor year after year. I've mentioned this before but when Louis was announced as the judge in 2018 I remember telling my grandma that it’s probably to draw in the 1D fans because the show was so bad at that point. Obviously I said it with eyes rolled and thinking ‘they really think they’re gonna save this shit with a kid from a boyband?’. Little did I know this guy will ruin me. Anyway as a non fan and someone who really didn’t know anything about the guy I absolutely loved him as a judge..so like a couple of weeks in I read his entire wikipedia and was 100% drinking the ‘reconnected and in love with his long term gf and has a kid with a one night stand from LA’ koolaid. And I listened to his singles at the time, loved them, added them to one of my Anghami playlist and it was chill for a while.

I have never been in a music fandom before..I’ve been in the football fandom (esp livejournal) for ages and also several movies/tv shows and books. I think most of the music I listen to are either from bands who are dead or there just isn’t a fandom big enough to exist…or I haven’t found it. Dunno..just never got into one. SO on a flight from oslo in 2019 I was reading a fic from another fandom and in the author’s note there was something about being inspired by a Larry fic and I vaguely remembered who the Larry ship is about. So when I clicked it and saw that it was THE Louis T, I went into my second rabbit hole and saw all these news singles he has out and an album that was about to come out and a show in Toronto and wow so much excitement all at once. Booked the tickets for the show which were later cancelled due to covid and then never got to see the ltwt live (rip hearing defenceless live). After that I didn’t follow up with him, I didn’t even know lthq was a thing ffs. When people say that they need to promote things on his personal IG, it’s for people like ME! Anyhoo! I still never searched him up on Tumblr until one day by chance I saw a clip from a livestream on instagram of one of his earlier shows in Texas. I didn’t even know concert livestreams were a thing tbh. So I kept on monitoring to find the source until I got to finally watch an entire show (I think it was the 4th American one, a few before the chicken nugget incident) and then somehow that led me to Tumblr and slowly I started following very very few blogs. So when did I become a Louie really? Was it 2018 when I was like ok the dude is cool I like the couple of songs he has out? Or 2019 when I booked my first concert ticket? Or in 2022 when I found the fandom on Tumblr? Also I got into 1D when I read that wiki page and it said something about him having the most writing credits. It intrigued me and was like ‘fine! I’ll give them a go I guess!’

your favourite song? (one off walls and one off fitf)

We Made It. All this time (if you ask tomorrow it might jump between Saturdays or holding onto heartache or she is beauty)

your favourite music video?

Miss you! The hair, the song.

your favourite gig?

Toronto one because I was anticipating it for sooooo long and it fully lived up to it. Esp after spending the entire 2022 watching livestreams and being jealous af. The new york one was good too but my home show will always be my fav

your favourite louis hair?

X-factor hair. 

your favourite louis interview?

Oof man this is hard! They all kinda get mixed together so either a Zach lang one (probably the first one because it sticks in my memory more since I saw it right when it came out) or one of the buzzfeed ones like the snack wars or the one he did with the yellow background (man I’m lazy as shit, I can literally YouTube this).

suit louis or tanktop louis?

Suit Louis. Literally anything but tank top louis. I know I’m the only one in this boat but I just don’t dig tank tops. I think it’s also the fact that he almost always wears hideous shoes with them that kinda kill the look. If I had to be specific, I’d say tracksuit Louis. 

favourite louis tattoo?

I’d also go with the x&o’s 

favourite louis bodypart? (c'mon we all have one!)

I immediately thought his eye crinkles but realized that’s not a body part. Maybe hands or the veiny neck??I love a neck with passionate veins (what even am I saying??)

—-

I think my small Louis loving mutuals have either already done this or have been tagged, so it ends with ME!

And with that I shall wish everyone a genocide free 2024! A free Palestine! And an end to this fucking massacre!

Back to watching Marshall and Skye on PP. 

[sapphicautistic]

My estranged-ish aunt who was once like a mother to me and who I have lain awake nights literally in this past week stressing out about the unsolveable family conflict that caused the rift, texted my partner in the middle of the night last night saying she'll be in the state briefly this weekend and can we drive 4 hours round trip to meet her halfway for berry picking?

And I know I should go if I have any desire at all to salvage this relationship but even apart from the INCREDIBLY LATE NOTICE making my autistic brain completely freak out, that's an INSANE outlay of energy and she has no idea what she's asking like she genuinely doesn't.

I have two appointments on Thursday next week I'd probably have to reschedule because I would be bedbound for a few weeks after that much exertion and she still has no idea how sick I am and probably thinks it's psychological anyways.

Also we had a family party planned for that day and so I'd have an out BUT she lives thousands of miles away and I'm pretty sure I'd look like an asshole regardless of having a reason, assuming she even believes the reason and doesn't think I made it up to avoid her

Also I'm maybe afraid to go because she's gonna wanna rehash Unsolveable Family Conflict and I do not have that in me and especially will not after sitting up, in a car, for 2 hours which is going to make me feel like death.

But despite all of this I think I SHOULD go and gf says it's my choice but she also thinks I should because this aunt is important to me but IS she anymore? She's turned into a bitter asshole who is so tangled up in her own issues and is projecting them onto others and I feel like I cannot communicate with her even though she used to be the person I could communicate with best. She is a deeply angry person who thinks she isn't and it's always ready to burst out and it makes her very hard to talk to, like even before Unsolveable Family Conflict but over the years it's gotten worse and worse.

I'm very upset and stressed out and I keep crying because I just do not want to be in this position. And I know she almost definitely didn't know herself until last night that she'd be here but I still resent being put in this position because it's so agonizing.

I wish she could just come down and join the family party because that would be a MILLION times less stressful but that would be asking HER (and whoever's with her, unclear) to spend SEVEN hours in the car round trip on what sounds like a very short trip and that's unlikely and she'd probably be resentful if she did

And I'm just on eggshells because like. She didn't even answer my mother's day text/gift, this whole thing feels very tenuous which is upsetting for its own reasons. I wish we could just talk like we used to and I could tell her my situation honestly and she could help me figure out a plan. But instead I have to guess how she'll react to stuff.

And also in addition to the last minute plan change stress there's the stress of not knowing what to expect at the halfway point because I've never been there, I am absolutely not going to go berry picking because I might actually die if they make me walk around after 2 hours sitting up in a car but presumably there's a park somewhere we could sit at? But as an autistic person the way I get less stressed about doing things is to imagine them in detail and I cannot do this for new places.

I SHOULD go but I think I don't want to and idk what to do. I wish she could just come down here, way less chance of a stressful conversation in the middle of people she has to be polite to and I wouldn't have to harm my body by all that travelling.

I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary2

today we did errands and i did hate it like i thought. i don't know why i hate it so much. like okay hate it's too strong a way to put it but it wigs me out totally.

i guess probably, i hate going outside lately, and partly being around my gf and her mom puts me on edge, they're both anxious people who dawdle or i feel like they dawdle and i just want to go back home because it's hot out because we live in the dumbest desert ever and even if they're both having a good time basically it's made up of 100 mini arguments that no one has any stake in until one of the decides that something was really actually transgressed and that makes me feel catty and irritable but also i'm stupid and lazy, or i don't know. i feel kind of like i have to do most of the important stuff, but what is that really, that's not true, i just watch the laundry in the laundromat, i sit and listen to orchid, i feel people stare at me and then i watch my girlfriend fold the laundry because she doesn't like/need my help, and then we go to the store and she wanders around, she used to be a lot worse, and she also randomly decides rather than having us go look for something in the direction we're going maybe she should ask her mom to do that, and then get disappointed with what her mom brings her, so we go look. i don't know. it's annoying, is all, and i feel bad about that because it's so dumb to be annoyed, it should be funny it feels like but it makes me a little miserable to be dragged around places that make me feel totally dirty to be inside of, like, have you looked at the floors of every super market/market/wherever you buy your vegetables like god it's so gross and i'm transfixed by that because i'm like, also that gross too basically, right.

or i think that way a little. otherwise today was fine except for i came home and went crazy. when i go crazy i just say the same thing over and over, and i don't know why, it's not mean stuff it's just all stupid, i feel a clot in my throat talking about it/typing it, because like, what is it, i'm always convinced i know exactly what i'm saying when i'm saying it, but i can hardly remember, and like, there's almost no intention, i just start doing things and i can't help it, i just do it. when i'm super stressed i guess i just become way stupid.

definitely.

n e wayzzz, yesterday i think i fucked up a number, it wasn't 22 i stopped crying right, it was earlier, like, 21-20-ish probably. i don't know why correcting that feels so important. it makes me look way more pathetic, which is fine, i've made peace with that. everything that's ever happened to me means way too much for way too long. i don't think i hold grudges, at least.

last night i saw this print in the towel from last time i wore makeup, it happens every time so next time, which will be soon cuz i'll put makeup on when i go see melt banana cuz i want to serve cunt i guess, anyways it was my eyes closed drawn w/ mascara, when i washed my face and i couldn't get all the stuff off my face because i'm really lazy with the micellar pads or actually it's mostly because i like waking up and seeing some on my face still. i think it's actually when eyeliner looks best on me.

that's like, true.

tomorrow is gonna be weird because i have to meet with someone for semi-professional reasons after not having a job forever because i'm honestly terrible at being employed and it makes wanna die, but this is me probably getting paid to make music for someone's movie, and he likes a demo i did for him so that's #cool right. it's scary because i don't know what he'll say and how much he'll want from me, and i'm scared about not being perfect at it, and i'm scared it'll sap my ability to make what i normally make anyways but that fear is really stupid. if anything i think it'd make me want to go the other direction more, right.

i did work on music today but no vox, i just took some drums off grid on a song, which is fun, or not really but it's rewarding to go through and think about how another human would be dealing with a song/interpreting it in a live way almost, but the hits being so clearly from a drum machine of some kind, it makes it a little uncanny.

tomorrow i need to wake up early, so i can warm up and do some vocals somewhere, probably work on the song that i want to be another single a little bit, some parts need a little improvement i feel like. i didn't listen to the songs i did yesterday yet, too freaked out i guess.

today i ate, like, i forgot what i started with. i woke up in pain, my stomach was a gravity pit and it made getting up hard, i was just falling into myself and my body was distantly sore, i woke up, and i took too long in the shower so my gf's mom got here while i was drying my hair which probably is part of what put me in a stressed out place today already. anyways i think the first thing i ate after 2-3 hours of being awake was chicken tenders. i'm not saying where from because it makes me feel sort of ridiculous i guess, i dunno why. i should just say because it is ridiculous and it's really funny, for some reason shaq owns some kind of chicken chain, and we ate it today. it's fine, i like the french fries, they're crazy thin and i think i can still taste the salt at the back of my throat. we ate in the car because laundry had to happen. i didn't have water so i was dying a little bit. i have water now which is nice. uhhhhhhhhhhhh

trying to think, the next time i ate was at home, i ate a cinnamon roll that i think my girlfriend wanted but also doesn't care about too much and a blueberry muffin. i keep saying i'm going to eat the other one because it makes me look psycho, which is funny i think. what else.

in the shower, today, i thought about living with my aunt a lot, i hope my cousin who moved out around the same time i was moving out of there is well, i hope my cousin who moved in as i moved in there and is presumably still there, there being vague because maybe my aunt moved and took her kid with her, is doing better than he was, but i don't know. i sort of developed the fear that he maybe did something awful, i don't know why he would though.

makes me think about my other cousins, on my dad's side. they both turned out to have awful lives, they were normal for a while until they were adults, and switches came on in their heads maybe, around the same time each were arrested for domestic violence, both in jail. i remember vividly the time one picked up their cat and threw her in the pool and we three watched her run out, long hair all wet, she looked like a rat from a sewer. they were in highschool, i was way younger. another time, one showed me a glass bluebird, translucent, he talked about how it represented jesus, and then in that same stretch of time, i played ocarina of time on their n64.

i also ate some pretzel rods, i forgot, they were from the 99 cent store, i tried to get some in the smiths but my gf said: i got those exact ones in the 99 cent store. and then her mom showed up and she told that to her mom twice because her mom was not listening at all the first time.

friday we are seeing melt banana which i am excited about but i am not excited about hanging out downtown potentially cuz it's so fucking windy in the summer i don't want to have my bangs get fucked up in the wind that's so annoyinggg and also last time we were there i became inconsolable because i tried a dress on and it didn't fit and i was unhappy for at least 2 days. i think i sound really unfun in these posts. whatever.

[thegeminisage]

im FINALLY playing zelda again and exploring gerudo town a bit...

YOOOO I CAN DRINK A NOBLE PURSUIT...LINK IS FINALLY 21...............

damn i didnt have to get my own ice or anything lol

tbh. i kind of liked it better when u could crossdress. pretty much EVERY npc has to go out of their way to make it weird that link is here? which i guess it is so it should be? but if we're talking about making him androgynous so anyone of any gender can enjoy playing him...this space reminds you constantly that you are a man. idk. is this less transphobic??? i'm not a trans woman so i can't like Speak On It but to me it feels like it's just a different flavor of bad. a better solution might be to let us cross dress if we wanted to but also still have access if we weren't. then there's no Evil Invasion of Women's Spaces By Predator stereotype but also u can be a girl as a treat if you like

but i have problems with this "girls-only" race of people having their entire culture and identity revolve around men anyway. whereas gorons are all boys and they don't think about gender at all. I Wonder Why That Is. nintendo wrote themselves into a problematic corner here and they're not going to get out of it by being cowards!!!

ANYWAY.

holy shit lol apparently gerudo sleep SUPER deeply and it contributes to them all being so tall and muscley <3 that explanation is such bullshit i fucking love it. and then they need less and less sleep as they get older...

man i wish that was me.

weird, it's still all purple and misty in the secret shop

oh my god SAND BOOT GUY IS STILL HERE???? he's hiding over the secret shop lmao

i think i've got redead ptsd. i saw a couple of voltrfruit cacti out in the distance and froze like a prey animal

anyway it's great the town is back on track and i wanna do ALLLL the sidequests here but...i need my low stakes exploration rn. i think i should unlock the last great fairy now that i don't need to worry about avoiding any part of the map

wait first i see zelda. time to shoot my gf :(

so i warped to the skyview tower and pikango is here?? what even is his purpose in this game...

huh. a light dragon's talon can HEAL when attached to a weapon?? wtf...

lol do i beat bokoblins with it and they get better

omg wait you can just pluck spine shards from her back...no arrows needed...this is nuts

eugh i see an ice gleeok from here. no thank you

its so fun that she goes clockwise around the map. time, time, time

you can see so much cool stuff from up here. i'm really glad totk added that you could ride them bc i feel like if i had more patience i could get such a lovely tour of hyrule from on zelda's back specifically, since she makes the whole circuit...like this game is genuinely beautiful and this is such a wonderful way to enjoy that beauty. and spend time with my gf.

i just wish i could like browse my menu or check my map or something WHILE MOVING...in other cases i would be livid if the game kept going while i was "paused" but i hate that fooling around makes the game's clock stop so if you're say waiting ten minutes for the dragojn to glow again you really do just have to wait

also. i never noticed glowing or lackthereof when the dragons were ready again. i may be unobservant lol

SO many shrines spotted from here btw. foolproof shrine finding method

ok, she DEFINITELY looks like she's glowing (her spines anyway) but nothing happens when i shoot her horns...is light dragon horn not a thing??

google says it's a thing.

oh no wait THERE it is. ok. now that i've seen it yeah thats a huge difference

luckily i'm quite close to that last great fairy now. thanks for the ride babygirl :(

briefly tempted by the fountain from one of link's memories below, near satori mountain...ultimately decided not to go bc theres not gonna be anything but a korok seed. just a little totk gripe

dark link armor to night sprint! i miss people getting jumpscared by it though :(

oh wait they ARE getting scared...weh thats so nice

ok, i have to take a break to do stuff :/ i wanna dot he stable quest!!!!! soon..............

[flowered-mp3]

u guys.... i just cried in my bf's car yesterday (again!) lol pls skip this but i know some of y'all invested and i just need an outlet so......

so like... my bf raised an interesting question weeks ago, essentially asking me "how do u know if ur in love?". i was a little caught off guard at the time, but i answered that i wasn't sure, because i've never been in love. then, i asked him the same question and he thought that he might've loved one of his exes, but he wasn't entirely sure, either.

then, flash forward to last week, when he called me at night (like he normally does). usually he tends to get in his feelings at that time, and started to ask if i thought that our relationship was moving too fast. and to be fair, it was moving fast but i never felt uncomfortable with it? it never felt wrong. we 100% progressed faster than most couples but it never felt wrong. we just did whatever we felt comfortable with. he also told me that this is the fastest that he's ever fallen for someone, and the fastest that he's ever had a gf meet his family/go on staycation/be physical, etc. so, he was afraid that because he's so into me, he would miss any signs of potential points of conflict. and the reason why this was bugging him was because he doesn't want to lose me. there were times in his previous relationships where he ignored those issues because he was so enamoured initially, and obv those relationships ended. the idea of losing me terrifies him, and vice versa for me.

next, i asked what brought this on and he stayed silent for a while before saying that on the last day of our staycation, he wanted to say that he loved me. i was so shook over the phone that i started crying. idk why i just couldn't believe my ears.

but then, he backtracked again because he was also scared because he also wasn't sure if what he was feeling was love - similar to me. he also mentioned that a couple of days before our staycation he statted asking around "how do you know that you're in love" and the only person online was his ex (she wasn't a great gf to him and kinda toxic, they dated 3 to 4 years ago, but she recently reappeared in his life to apologize for what she did to him. honestly? good for her, and i hope that she's happy with her new bf) so that kinda made me :/ but it's ok because it worked out lol just wait. anyways, we essentially talked it out and i said that there's no pressure for him to figure it out. feelings are complicated.

so i also said that i didn't think that i was ready to say that i loved him yet. and he was so sweet about it, saying that he would wait however long that i needed :')

ok so flash forward to the present. i was thinking alot over the past week and i was just kinda realizing that wow. i really like him. but saying that i really like him isn't really cutting it anymore. and when i went to his house for a bday party for his uncle tonight, i kinda just realized that fuck. i fell in love with him, and i didn't even fully recognize it. just looking at him the whole night, seeing how much he cares for his family, how loud his laugh is when someone says something really funny, the way that he holds my hand or traces his fingers on my knee absentmindedly, the way that he remembers that i'm introverted so he always tries to look for signs of my social battery running out. i knew that i would do anything for him, but it didn't really hit me until that moment.

i just realized that i wanted this for our future. for us to have a house together, to invite family over. to host something like this, except that i would be the person scrambling to cook and he would be taking out the alcohol for people to choose from.

so when he was driving me home, all the emotions came rushing through me. we were at a light and he stopped at it, glancing at me (as he usually does). all it took was for me to look at his face for me to be close to tears.

he immediately asked me what was wrong, and i said nothing. it was really late and it's a long drive, so i didn't want to inconvenience him. but then, he turned into a gas station 2 mins after and looked at me like "what's wrong, baby?" and i just. started tearing up. he started to comfort me, thinking that something made me upset or mad but instead, i looked at him, took a few deep breaths to gather the courage, and kissed him. i pulled away just enough to look into his eyes, and i said "i love you, too" with tears in my eyes.

i still remember the way that his eyes widened before i wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him, basically sobbing that i loved him. i was rambling at that point, being like “idk why i’m crying i’m not upset i’m so happy but idk i’m really emotional idk why i’m crying”. and then he asked me how i knew and i said that i didn’t really know, it just felt like something that i wanted to say. i just started spilling my heart out to him, saying that he makes me the happiest girl in the world, and that sometimes i care for him more than i care for myself, and how i want him to succeed in life and that i saw how he treats his family with such care and just???? i could tell that he was tearing up and i could just cry typing this out again.

then, he pulled out his phone and i was confused for a second, but then he started to pull up the convo he had with his ex - i really didn’t have anything to worry about. all he did was ask “how do u know if ur in love” and essentially just talked about me the entire time, saying that how much he liked me and how he didn’t know how to navigate all this because he’s never fallen so fast and hard for someone and that he thinks that i’m his last, that i’m the one. my heart :’)

then, all the details are a blur after that except for some. like i remember i was just rambling about my feelings and crying so i just pressed my forehead against his and tried to take a breath. but then, he said that he loved me too and his voice was cracking. once i heard those words come from him i immediately fell apart. he tucked his head into my neck and we hugged and cried. he pulled away just to look at me, and said that i was smart and beautiful and caring, and he loves that i love my family, that we laugh at the same stupid shit and that he imagines a future with us.

then, everything just made sense. all the times where he would hug me and pull away to look at me in the eyes, saying “i really like you.”, or when i said that i’ve always dreamed of having my own reading room with shelves of books that reached the ceiling (i told him this when we weren’t even dating), he remembered that and said “i really have to work harder on this program, this project will be a good asset on my resume when i’m applying for work after graduation. gotta afford a reading room, you know?” :’) or when he asked me how many years of dating would it take for me to think that it’s appropriate to get married, or when he said that he planned to date me for a very long time, or when he said that i make him want to be a better man.

then, in the midst of us crying, i said that i also think that he’s the one and he pulled me in for another kiss, hugged me, and we both just broke down and started to full on sob. i’m talking smiling and laughing and talking while crying, tears streaming down my face, saying that i think that he’s smart and kind and spontaneous and funny, and how i know that he can argue with his dad and sister but i know that he loves them, and that he loves his family very much. and how he’s always so in tune to my feelings that i don’t even notice. we were just sobbing in his car and hugging and kissing and saying that we loved eachother in the middle of a fucking gas station at 10:30 pm.

eventually when we calmed down, he started to drive again and i asked him how he knew. he couldn’t really pinpoint much either but he had some things. he said that he would remember the smallest details about me, like my mannerisms and such. the little random dances that i did when walking to his car when he picks me up, or when i wanted to show him something in the backyard and i reached for his hand. then, he said something so domestic and romantic that i just melted. on the last night of our staycation, he had sudden inspiration for his program and needed to do some quick research before bed. it was pretty late, 1 am it think, so i told him to come to bed soon. so, i decided to read a book until he was ready to sleep. 

so, he told me that he looked at me on the bed, book in hand, glasses on, reading light on, and found so much comfort in it. we didn’t exchange any words, but he realized that he wanted that. for us to share a bed in a place that we have together. he wants that comfy future, and he wants it with me and adlkfjd :’)

i also asked how long he was waiting to say it, and he didn’t give me a specific timeline he just said that he watched a podcast where they were like “when is it ok to say i love you” and one girl said 3-4 months lol so he wanted to wait 3-4 months but couldn’t lol. which is ok, because i couldn’t wait 3-4 months either. essentially, we couldn’t really pinpoint how we knew, we just kinda knew? 

so, he dropped me off home and said that he loved eachother before leaving. then, when he got home he texted me “have a good night, my love” and i want to SCREAM like THIS MAN IS NOT REAL alsdkfjdlk

anyways this is lovely. my feelings are all aldsfkjasdlkfjdafj but my bf loves me and i love him and there’s a mx comeback tomorrow. overall, it’s looking ok u guys :)

and to think that all this started with my friend forcing me to get a dating app :’)

[creamdemonsworld]

8/1/2024

Hi Tumblr, here's what happened today.

Today is Thursday which is my Sunday because I take Wed-Thurs off. I tried my best to fix my sleep schedule last night and woke up at 10am! which is better than 1pm. I notice that when I wake up earlier I feel more refreshed and less foggy. So tonight we're shooting for 9am wake up time.

I did not eat breakfast because I needed groceries so I lazed around until I had therapy. I showered, got ready, and had a very productive therapy session. I love my therapist she's amazing. I've been going to therapy since early childhood and with my current therapist I feel like I'm actually getting things done with my trauma. I talked about how I suddenly feel safe in my new home because of an accident.

The accident: Every night I make sure to lock all my windows and doors to my house - including my bedroom door - before yesterday I never even dared to sleep with the window open. But yesterday I went to go open the huge window on the front of my house, unlocked it, realized it was locked. And then came to the conclusion that my window had been unlocked ever since I moved in here. A happy accident! Because nothing bad has happened since my window was unlocked. Which in my mind means that I am safe!

To celebrate my conquered fear, I slept with my window open and my bedroom door unlocked. I slept so good with my nice cool room. I has been so stuffy these past couple weeks. But yay!

There was more stuff that I talked about with my therapist but it's just housekeeping stuff like my relationships and my art. She really wants to heal my relationship with art. I do too.

After therapy I went to the grocery store for my weeks worth of groceries. $98 later I put it all away and my cold brew kicked in so I deep cleaned my kitchen.

My kitchen/living area has been a total mess from moving. I moved into a much smaller place so I've been slowly chipping away at this huge pile of stuff I no longer have space for in the kitchen. Today I made a HUGE dent. I was brave and threw a ton of boxes in the recycling, and even put three boxes by the door to eventually put on the sidewalk.

I then called my girlfriend and had a lengthy talk with her. We're poly and she has a fiancé. I came from being strictly mono to being wither her so this is all new to me. I told her that if she wants two life partners she needs to treat me like a life partner. And we decided to start things over with no expectations just to see where things go. It was a really satisfying conversation honestly. I do wish she could come see me more but if that doesn't end up happening I'm just gonna end it by the end of the year. I can't handle being with someone who has the resources to come visit but still doesn't.

After my conversation with gf I clipped my cat's nails. He is such a good boy. He just complains about being wrapped in a towel but never bites or scratches. He got lots of treats.

The rest of my day was relaxing, I vegged out in bed for a minute and then decided to try and paint something after 3 years of not creating. I need to start it over but I'm not mad at myself like I usually am. I really hope the therapy is helping heal my relationship with art. I crave creation so badly but my brain has so many triggers around it so it's a very hard thing for me to do.

Anyway, it's time for bed. My work week starts tomorrow and I have rent damage I need to make up. Goodnight Tumblr!

[lesboslibra]

Hmm interesting chat with the bestie today

Her new love interest/casual partner/potential gf apparently chewed her out for not doing more to help me around the house, particularly dishes (love interest was specifically annoyed she cooked n cleaned up after last night; bestie was doing an art job during that or I think she had finished it already idr) anyways

This is a weird, delicate topic bc while bestie DOES clean n help around house, she tends to procrastinate more than I would like. She deep cleaned the kitchen and cleaned the living room before friends stayed over, but she tends to not really do much cleaning while friends are staying, which looks n feels bad when the guests are helping clean more than she is while they're here. Idk I've tried talking with her about it before n she wasn't super receptive to my ideas or I put, but when love interest talks to her she's down with the same ideas I had. Also I feel like I don't clean enough even tho I'm working an exhausting job, but since the kitchen is in so much better shape I feel like I can actually keep up with dishes again (I try to wash what I use when I'm done with it) Anyways the POINT

I think bestie tends to hear criticism better from people that are not me? I try to be very delicate and conscientious of my words when I bring up shit that bothers me to her, but apparently when other people chew her out it makes her actually think about what she's doing, even tho it hurts her feelings a lot in the process? Idk maybe just. Some ideas or concepts are better heard from people who aren't me. Or it's harder for her to feel like she's doing enough of "her share" if people other than me are pointing out she doesn't seem to be doing enough. Idk I think being around people who are cleaning up more regularly helps, and if we can keep the momentum going things will be fine

It's also v frustrating when I tell her "hey I've talked about this before" and she says no instead.of I don't remember or I changed my.mind lol. Or she'll take me pointing out/empathizing with someone's point when she had an argument with love interest as "taking her side" like bestie NO I'm trying to HELP YOU SEE WHAT SHE WAS SAYING but I do need to remember my primary goal is hearing bestie out and being a confidant. Ahhhhhhh lol life is a weird balance

Also v weird to hear others validate that I do a lot? And it's understandable that I'm tired AF all the time n stressed out

[soonfinally]

Soooo I had a dream about your Instagram last night and just a bunch of stuff reminding me of you lately so I had this feeling that I would check it out and sure enough your profile was not on Private anymore and you posted pictures with her and she literally commented ily so I guess you are capable of love , I was just not worth it which I knew already but it sucks to have it confirmed and I'm over you , I really am but for some reason you are stuck in my mind and I just can't believe that it's you like this is you

You look beautiful as always and you look happy and the puppies look great and you finally got your tattoo and I'm happy for you , I really am

You went to Harry styles,with her , which was something we talked about and the song that we played together is the song you sang with her but that's okay

I'm writing this but you'll never see it ,you don't even remember that I ever existed and that's completely valid , i just wish I could forget about you too

Anyway I have a dissertation to write and my gf is waiting for me but seeing you tonight made my heart ache but I'm glad that I can see that you're are okay and happy and in the end that's all I've ever wanted for you