#anyway i'm going back to sleep. i've only had like 5 hours so far and i need around 10 to feel ok

[weebsinstash]

I'm so angry. They told me to wait so Allister could pass things on his own and so little has come out of him they want me to come back but they want me to come in through an appointment in the afternoon instead of the urgent care and, they're literally having me come in 3 hours before they close.

That's not enough time for them to do anything, to monitor him, administer multiple enemas, anything. I'm not even sure the deobstipation is worth it because i guess I need to clarify, that's just a fancy word for "digging stuff out by hand so you can like only get so much out as far as your fingers can reach anyways despite how risky the procedure is"

They genuinely should've just done it like weeks ago if they thought he would need it at all. They kept having me come back over and over and over and over despite me literally telling them I had to crowdfund his veterinary care and now I'm going to be spending almost 2 grand in payment plans over the next year. They could've just spent one day giving him as many enemas as possible until he was empty but then we have to give them time to even work, so....

I kept telling them over and over that there was a risk I would spend so much money on vet care that I couldn't euthanize him and all of these treatments have almost completely drained my funds and then they tell me "oh jsyk constipation is like an extremely agonizing way to die uwu". I would have to forward money and completely empty out my savings account to afford rent and his treatment if they want surgery today. My rent might even be late and unlike my last landlord who was an individual unit owner, this is a management company that will charge you $75 late fees after so many days

Every appointment has been over 100, 200, 300 dollars and I've had like 5 or 6 of them at this point and he's still not pooping, at least not a lot; he's dropping marble sized pieces kind of, everywhere. I just. Jesus fucking christ if he isn't getting better like??? I can't??? Do anything else? I can't be homeless in this area; there are literally homeless addicts breaking into my locked apartment building to sleep in our laundry room and the stairwell. I cannot be homeless again.

I just also. There's trauma there too. I can't do what my mom constantly did and drive myself into debt over an animal and risk my housing if there's not a good prognosis. That abusive crazy cunt literally stopped trimming her aggressive dog's nails until the poor thing literally started becoming paralyzed and then she was working 12, 16 hour shifts and leaving this poor thing along in an apartment to pee on pads and her carpet. And SHE'S the one who has Allister's mom :(

I just. Have to see. Maybe I'll give them a phonecall and see if I can come in earlier. I'm just so mad. They never even gave me a quote for how much it would cost to euthanize him. I might have to put down my happy cuddly baby or wait for him to conpletely deteriorate. I can't wait to open up commissions no one will want or be happy with so I can financially recover from my cat dying.

[slylock-syl]

Hey Syllll! Long time, no chat! I just wanted to get this off my chest before i go ham trying to figure out what i wanna commission from you soon.

I have been reading Undersource for years now, and i think we've both come a long way since then! God, that feels weird to say, i'm not even old enough to drink yet lmao. But! I am old enough to spend my money responsibly now, which is nuts given that my responsible spending is now aimed at getting art of my blorbos LOL.

You've grown as an artist so much since i first started reading- i think that was around... the pirate arc? Not sure! But i do remember the early days of me having discord, during the EKD server category era. But anyways, i know the way you drew our favorite skeletons was different back then, and it's all gotten so much smoother in that time. You're also (at least seemingly) taking way better care of yourself! You've set boundaries, you've set more time for yourself and not the blog, and you're still happily chugging along, after all these years. Not to mention you're working on this side story now, which i'm fairly certain you've been looking forward to for a while.

How's that sleeping though? Do you still have the sleep cycle of an austalian? Can't say i'm any better, im slowly becoming nocturnal again lol. Some things NEVER change.

Anyways. All this to say: im really proud to have been part of this little community for so long. To see the comic and its artist come so far. Even if im not a diehard fan anymore, im glad i can still take a little time every weekend to realize "OH, U/S shoulda updated!" and run over here. Thanks for giving me a good starting point of community on this god damned hellsite.

(Here's to sleepy 5 am "you're great" asks LMAO)

sjksdhLKSDJFHG THIS IS SUCH A SWEET MESSAGE OMG-

Hi Azzy! :D I'm glad you still like my work even after all this time! Thank you for sticking around! :D

I have been taking better care of myself these days! I'm (only sometimes begrudgingly XD) going on daily walks (Pikmin Bloom is really helping with that, I love Pikmin they're so cute), and made some new friends! When I first started this blog I was convinced I had to constantly/frequently produce content, and I time went on I slowly realized that wasn't really viable, so I slowly trimmed down the workloads for better manageability, I'd say it's helped a lot! Even if it may not look like it sometimes XD

There was a point before I adjusted my work schedule where I figured out that I may have been riding a creative burnout for a long while, as when I looked back it felt like my work had begun to visually stagnate. I think at the time I was cramming working on the comic update across only 3 or 4 days (Wednesday/Thursday to Saturday mornings, sometimes down to the wire), with several hours of just constant work (plus any distractions and 3 daily asks) because I was procrastinating so badly X'D I'm still recovering from the visual stagnation, but I'm definitely trying to experiment where I can! I may not be the best at it but I hope I'm improving at least ksjdghLSDGH My current schedule is MUCH more spaced out and much more manageable, spanning Sunday to Friday and broken down into stages for each day, and Saturdays are my designated day off~

As for the side story, it's one I've had around for quite a while and have been excited to finally show off! There were a few people who were interested in it when it was first teased, though I've no idea if they're still around, if they are I hope they're enjoying the story so far as well! 💜

Oddly enough my sleep schedule is no longer on Cthulhu Standard Time SKSDJGHDLG We had a TON of construction going on in the house the past few months and it was way too awkward to sleep with a bunch of strangers either being in or near my room, as well as making a LOT of noise sjkdhgLKSDJG There was a brief section of time where I'd actually go to bed at a "normal" time and get up at like, 9 or 10 am X'D Though it's slowly sneaking it's way into afternoons to 3 or 4 AM after I feed the kitties, kinda like my old college schedule XD

Thank you again for liking my work and sticking around! I really appreciate it!! :D

I may not be anywhere near whatever my "peak" was a few years ago, but I'm still happy to keep going for those who still come around! 💜

[sadcupcake]

Winchester in Mystic Falls Part 5

So far tailing Elena and her friends has been entertaining to say the least. I've learned that she's still friends with Bonnie and Caroline. Bonnie was never cruel to me, she just ignored me like everyone else in town did. Caroline on the other hand was right there with Elena. They both tortured me my entire childhood. Most of it was emotional, the name calling, making everyone in my life ignore me and pretend that I didn't exist. Sometimes though they would go on some sort of power trip and hurt me. Looking back on that now I remember being so scared of them both, but now they look like weak little dolls in my eyes. What they put me through made me who I am today, it set me down a path to meet my brothers and for that I am grateful to them.

It doesn't surprise me that the three girls are still friends, just like it didn't surprise me when I learned Bonnie was a witch or that Caroline got turned into a vampire. What did surprise me was the fact that Elena is a doppelganger. Apparently it was one of Elena's doppelgangers that turned Caroline. Another interesting thing I learned was that the originals where in town. Sam and Dean learned about how vampires came to be when they captured one and had a little chat. That vamp was about 900 years old so they still knew the stories of the originals, it even claimed to be turned by one. I had yet to see one running around town but from what I've gathered they came here to sacrifice my sister to break a curse. If I had to take an educated guess it would be the curse placed on the hybrid.

If it really is the originals in town then I really need to hit the books to find something to kill them with. All of the lore I've read up to now had never mentioned a way to kill an original. As far as I know they are truly Immortal. Maybe I could just kill all the non original vampires in town and then hightail it out of here before they get wind of a hunter. Lets be honest I'm going to end up dead by the end of all of this.

I haven't talked to Elena since I got interrupted before I was able to have a little chat with her. I assume she's told her little boyfriends about what happened by now, so me getting within 10 feet of her again is out of the question. So making a scene in public is now my only option to find out what she knows. This whole thing is getting tiresome already. If it weren't for the innocent people dying I'd cut my loses by now. But I am a Winchester and Winchesters never back down from anything. Hell not even from the actual devil, and the Mikaelsons are no Lucifer.

getting back to my hotel room I get comfy on the bed with my laptop, if I'm going to find anyway to kill the originals I have to channel my inner Sam. Full on research mode. After hours of sitting and looking at the computer screen I've come up with one possible lead, one impossible lead. White oak. It's almost too good to be true but It's all I got. Some hunter in New Orleans had a story passed down generations in his family. Apparently the only thing that could stop an original was an original themselves, or a weapon one of them possessed. A dagger dipped in White oak ash. If the ash from this tree could put them to sleep imagine what the real thing could do. Unfortunately all records of the white oak tree say that it went extinct centuries ago. Another dead end.

Deciding that I've had enough of the headache that is research I get dressed and head back to the Grill. I'm starving, one of the things Dean and I have in common is our appetite. I think he was secretly happy to have someone around to out vote Sam on where we'd eat. Maybe if I'm lucky I can run into Elena again there, kill two birds with one stone.

When I walk into the Grill I spot them right away. Elena and her little gang looking directly at me. By the look on dumb and dumbers faces she defiently told them what I was going to do to her. I  sit down at a table ignoreing them the best I can until I can at least have somthing to eat. While I'm waiting on my food I notice two guys sitting at the bar again. Talk about deja vu. The vibe coming from these two is defiently dangerous but there's something else I can't quite place, It's like a comfort almost. Just as I'm about to stand up to go to them I get snapped out of my daze by my food arriving.

While I'm enjoying my food I start to notice everyone slowly leave the Grill. EVeryone apart from Elena and her friends, and the two guys at the bar who have now turned around to face us obiously interested in what is happeneing. I look up from my food to see my sister and her friends walking over to my table. Bonnie and Caroline are behing my sister and her two boyfriends are infront of her. Anyone would think shes the president with the way they protect her.

"How can I help you Elena, would you like some of my fries?" I question her, I always have to have the first and last words. Something Sam and Dean both love and hate about me.

"No I don't want you're fries Y/N, I want to know why you're in town and how you know about vampires" Elena says, she looks so serious I burst out laughing.

"Sorry, you acctually think I'll just tell you because you asked. Wow you really have no idea who I am now do you Elena?" I stand up as I ask my question getting ready for a fight. By the way everyone clings to Elena's side I guess they are too.

[sol-consort]

How far along are u in cp2077? And how r u liking it so far??

ain't gonna lie chief this game might as well be the lovechild of the Sims 4 and GTA 5 because I'm completely ignoring the main missions (currently neeed to either talk to Judy to find Evelyn or talk to rogue to find the relic engineer) and just doing side missions.

Okay, not just doing side missions, this is a full-on life simulator to me. I do side missions, I go at clothes stores to shop around and sell my loot, I buy new cars and drive around just to listen to music (body heat radio is my fav channel) I stop at pretty places to take pictures of V.

There is this XP buff you get from sleeping, so whenever it expires, around an hour irl, I drive V back home—yes I drive, I haven't touched fast teleport once, get her in the shower, flush the toilet, stare into the mirror, go watch the ingame TV while I get a snack irl, then put V to bed.

While I'm still at 1% Johnny virus and 5% death progress, one time while taking a shower randomly, V coughed up blood!

I was genuinely surprised. I've been making V take showers a lot and this only happened once so far, randomly.

Then, another time, I was checking the mirror in a new apartment and

Was greated by this goddamn face. My soul almost left my body. I tell you, this is the closest thing the game has ever gotten to a horror game. Because I was used to the routine, to seeing V's reflection, this wasn't even within my list of possibilities of things to happen unwarrantly!

I immediately went to the menu screen to see if the AI chip spread increased, but... no, it was still at 1% since I haven't done any main missions yet.

Anyway so, after V wakes up, I change the clothes to a completely new fit!

some of the fits I made!

I also take pictures of NPCs with pretty clothes. Apparently, killing them doesn't drop the clothes and just summons cops :( Also, killing cops gives no xp, so I just stopped :(

But I Need Those Clothes

It's a NEED. Give them to me game! Give them to me or I will crumble into dust and particles!

And I was hoping for the ass window jeans :( It sure is endless disappointments Johnny

All of this might seem tedious to other players, but honestly, I'm having the most fun I've ever had. When I get bored of the quiet life, I do a mission or two. I read almost everything on those shards I find. One of them contained a snippet of the homer's iliad! It was a line about Achiles speaking about glory and having a choice to make, mentioning his mom.

I watch the ads on the elevator rides, I stop at interesting scenes I stumbled upon. Like this one time, all of V's neighbours were cowering on the stairs, and I didn't know why.

Jumped over them (thanks to githzerai who told me to get the double jump implants) only to find that two cops were arresting my neighbour! Like woah, now things make sense.

So far, I'm lvl 23, street credit 36, and I found a blue tier sniper! Fuck yeah. Got a new apartment in Watson for 10k, got my beautiful turbo car, and now closed the game because real life calls.

Added a picture of Jackie and V above V's bed in remembrance

...

..

.

Honourable mention: Meredith sex scene

Ma'am... ma'am, is that a strap harness?

I'll take that as a yes.

This is what Ashley and femshep could've had!!

SIR JOHN PHALLUSTIFF??

I get to bonk people with the dildostrap that was just inside me?

Oh fuck yeah.

As a player I fucking adore Johnny, hope he stays around. He's so fucking fun to mess with.

He has his deep moments, his empathy shining through. He has his silly moments, showcasing his effortless charm.

He has his sleezy moments, spikes of manipulation, and attempts at stealing the reigns.

Also, remember when I said this game doesn't have any misogynistic lines thrown around just because you picked a fem character? Yeah, that aged like milk. Enemies call you tits for brain on the regular here. Even "nice" characters can't help but comment on how you're "hot stuff"

For me, as a person, it doesn't bother me. I'm desensitised.

But I know it might bother other people, so I hope the playerbase will be more upfront about these details.

Does Johnny call a male V a joytoy, too? Otherwise... yeah.

Like I don't mind portrayals of harassment and toxic interactions in fiction, I like struggle narratives and how much conflict it creates. It gives you a window into the character's innermost workings when they don't see you as an equal.

But that doesn't mean other people have to be subjected to it just because they picked a fem V.

[thatblondeperson]

Car Trouble Nightmare, Help Needed!

More details of one of the worst days I've had in a long time that will not end, under the cut. I really do need help, I feel like I'm going to cry.

On Wednesday 7/3 I went to San Jose for a friend's going away party. Party had been canceled and I was not informed, which honestly is whatever at this point. I went in to the bar anyway, had a glass of wine that someone bought for me out of pity, made new friends, sand some karaoke and started to drive home. There was a 5 car pile up on the highway that had people dead stopped, and after sitting in that for far too long, people were detouring and I followed. Got very lost. Started trying to follow signs that said "north". Finally got back on track and my car started overheating like crazy. Took the next exit and parked. Car was smoking. At this point, the sun was rising and I was exhausted. The lady who's house I was in front of let me charge my phone and she brought me ice water. I called AAA to row my car but our plan only covers 5 miles of free towing. It would be $1000 at least. Called my mom crying. She came to rescue me. While waiting a guy tried to offer help and then got weird about how cute my small feet were. Finally mom got there and we decided to tow to the nearest AAA repair place. Car would be stranded in San Leandro which is an hour and a half from home. But it got worse.

We got on the road. Stopped at taco bell so I could get some food in my system. Was okay for a bit but the sleep and food deprivation kicked in and my body started shutting down bit by bit. Heartburn came, headache, mood swings, and nausea. Mom also wasn't listening to me with the map and took a detour that she said she knew, then blamed the detour on me when it didn't work out and wouldn't drop it. Basically heckled me about it. Treated me like I was being a baby the whole way home while I was in pain, and only realized I was serious when I started having an autistic meltdown and the tics kicked in. Made it almost home in this awful state before I had to stop at Lowe's hardware store because I felt so sick. IBS had kicked in, and when I came back to the car, the taco bell promptly exited my body via throwing up profusely. It was enough to get me home but I still felt awful. Tried to clean off in the shower a bit which helped somewhat and then tried to lay down, but my body felt so uncomfortable. I was still habing an autistic sensory meltdown, but then I suddenly got really bad, and it felt like my blood was boiling and my hands were going numb. Called 911, paramedics cane and made sure I was okay, and thankfully it was just a wicked panic attack, but it took me like 36 hours to recover from that shit. Stayed at my mom's for a bit, and then on Saturday we went back to San Leandro, because I had jumped onto my dad's plan since he had 200 miles of free towing.

Soooooooo...AAAs policy is that the point of roadside assist is that they need to tow it to a repair shop. It's already at one, so they can't send a truck to pick it up just because. The only reason they can do that is if the repair place can't fix it. We'd have the free tow back home at that point but right now we're fucked. Car is stuck in San Leandro for the time being at the repair shop and since it's AAA, it'll be expensive. We wanted to go to our guy back home.

I went back today and they said it was fixed, the bill was over $1000 with the "just look at it" and "repair" fees combined, and I hoped that would be it.

Nope.

Car started overheating just 10 minutes into the drive home, and I had to turn the AC off just to get through the drive. Coolant tank is still bubbling, the engine smells burnt, and I am exhausted and wanting to scream. My car is my lifeline, I can't be without it and I can't afford a new one right now. I just need to get my car to someone more reliable, and hopefully things can actually get fixed. It may be more than what I'm asking for, but I just need a smidgen of help. Anything will help, I'm just so tired and so stressed and my body cannot handle another panic attack tbh.

[nervouslaughter05]

Of Monsters and Men Chapter 5: Back Together

A/N: I'm not dead!

Apologies for the loooooong wait and the shortness of this chapter. I've had a lot going on in my life between the writing of chapter 4 and now, which has left me with VERY little free time to actually sit down and write. I joined the military, went through bootcamp, got engaged, and am now getting ready to ship off to my first duty station. Not to mention all the little things in between with a crazy ex and insane family shit.

Anyways, with that out of the way, I give you chapter 5! Enjoy!

CW: mentions of injuries (nothing descriptive), language, mentions of killing

Come yell at me on Twitter @vegas719 and my art insta @timetoart05

Masterlist

Grizzly sighs, sitting up with a wince from where she lay on the floor. Sleep was impossible for her at this point. Between the dull buzz under her skin from the insanity of the last 24 hours and the aching of her injuries, she wasn’t able to wind down. Ghost had insisted she try to get some sleep while he took the first watch–jesus christ did that man ever sleep?–and she’d been unsuccessful thus far. 

Despite how worn out she felt from the injuries she’d sustained and the work her and Ghost had done to secure the safehouse, rest seemed damn near impossible while the worry of the fate of the rest of the team ate away at her brain.

She rises to her feet, bracing against the wall for a moment before moving towards the door where Ghost was. After laying down for so long, she had a profound limp, but Grizzly knew that the more she moved the sooner it would go away. At least that was the hope anyways. 

He obviously hears her, because she knew for a fact that no one came within a 50 mile radius of the behemoth without his knowledge. 

Despite that, he doesn’t make any move to acknowledge her. He just shifts slightly like he’s trying to get more comfortable, adjusting the grip he held on his rifle. Grizzly leans against the wall next to the doorframe, not wanting to sit down again because she doubted she’d be able to actually stand back up. 

“You should be sleeping,” the lieutenant tells her, his gruff voice breaking through the silence. “And keeping pressure off of that leg.”

Grizzly shrugs, looking blankly at the ceiling. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Something unspoken transferred between them, and Ghost didn’t say anything further about it. There were nights where they’d been out in the field and had witnessed the restlessness that came from witnessing too many firefights and the like. She had her demons, and she could only imagine the things he was trying to process with the shit he’d been through. 

So, instead of tossing and turning all night long–unable to sleep, she had elected instead to get up and put her energy to use. 

“You can go rest,” Grizzly suggests to him, moving from near the doorway to standing next to him. “You’ve been up for hours already.”

Ghost doesn’t seem to agree with her reasoning, replying, “And so have you. Plus, you’re injured.”

She rolls her eyes. “Never stopped either of us before.”

They both fall silent again, noises from the woods around them permeating through the thin walls of the house. She remains standing beside him before the pain of standing becomes too much and she elects to sit down instead. She accepts the fact that now she would probably just stay in this same spot all night to avoid further aggravating her injury. 

‘It would’ve been better if you just didn’t move at all in that case,’ Grizzly thinks to herself before pushing the thought away. 

They sit in silence together, listening to a cricket somewhere in the house chirping away. It’s peaceful in the nighttime here despite the circumstances under which they arrived. It reminds her of before she joined the 141 when she was just a corpsman in the Navy being deployed with Marine Raiders. She can recall many a night in the field with her Marines that they would be camping out in their camp waiting for the next day when they’d go out in an assault. She’d be counting her supplies and checking over her medbag while her Marines joked and laughed amongst one another. More often than not, she’d end up joining in with little jabs of her own every now and then while she prepped. 

Part of her missed it, but she knew that at this point with her rank being what it was she would barely spend time actually in the field and mostly doing admin work. Since she was one of three enlisted on a team run by two officers, Grizzly was able to continue operating in the same arena as before. While the pay may not be the best or the ranking up wasn’t the greatest either, she still loved every moment of being able to go out every day for a new adventure. 

It was like a drug to her, inducing an adrenaline-laced high everytime her kit went on and they loaded up into the field. 

If it hadn’t been for Price finding her where she was stationed out in the desert of bum fuck only God knows where, she would’ve been stuck in an office doing stacks upon stacks of paperwork when she wasn’t handling the treatment of casualties coming into the camp. Thinking of Price further reminded her of the situation they were in. Grizzly finds herself wondering about the condition of her other teammates. 

Had they been captured? Were they just in hiding and waiting for a good time to make the journey to the safehouse? Had they contacted some sort of evac and were on their way to hers and Ghost’s location to get them the hell out of whatever kind of shitshow they’d all been forcefully rolled in?

She sits with her thoughts, not bothering to vocalize them since she has a feeling Ghost was likely doing the same albeit in a slightly more callous way. In a vain attempt to distract her train of thought away from worrying about the condition of her teammates, she starts to hum softly. It’s a country song she’d been listening to for days straight, not able to get enough of it. 

“Your mind is wandering, I take it.”

Grizzly’s attention is drawn to the lieutenant, taking a moment to process what he’d said before formulating a response. “Just a little. Nothing unusual for me.”

He makes a small hum in reply. “I’m very aware.”

“Speaking of wandering minds, you need to get some rest otherwise it’s going to be the both of us like that in the morning,” Grizzly tells him. “I know that I need to rest, but so do you. I’ve gone on missions in the past and functioned in much worse conditions than this.”

He doesn’t say anything, the silence stretching between them. It continues to carry on and on for several minutes before she’s convinced herself that he just won’t say anything back–<i>because of course she had to have a lieutenant like that</i>–when he actually acknowledges her request. 

He shifts so he can lay down somewhat comfortably. “Alright then, Grizzly. Trustin’ you to make sure we’re not both dead by the morning.”

“It already is morning LT,” Grizzly replies with a soft chuckle. “If my watch is anything to go by.”

She doesn’t have to look at him to know the man was likely rolling his eyes at her comment. 

“Wake me up if anything happens.”

“Aye, aye sir.”

00000

Several hours had gone by at this point, and Grizzly knew the sun was going to be rising soon. It was baffling to her how they had spent nearly 48 hours at this point in the same location when it should have been less than 12. It was all planned to be a get in and get the fuck out type of mission.

And yet.

There’s a rattling sound down the hall, which Grizzly assumes to be the fat raccoon they’d come across upon first arriving in the safehouse. She keeps listening for a few more moments, no longer hearing anything. Relaxing just enough to still remain vigilant but also so she could rest against the wall comfortably, she continues to mull over various thoughts in her brain. 

The rattling noise returns after a couple minutes, and with it come the soft whispers of a human voice.

Instantly, she’s on full alert with her rifle ready in her hands. Ghost is mere feet from where she’s sitting, so she kicks out one of her legs and jostles his chest. He wakes with little effort on her end. A brief thought questioning whether or not he had actually been sleeping all this time goes through her mind, but it’s shoved away in favor of worrying about what was going on right now. 

Albeit somewhat groggy from the look in his eyes, Ghost is already gearing up for a fight without her having to say anything. He rises to his feet and she follows suit–just at a slightly slower speed due to her injury. Heart beating in her chest and adrenaline coursing through her veins, she posts up on the opposite side of the door frame than the lieutenant and waits for further orders.

“Wait.”

“Aye, sir.”

The door to enter the house creaks open down the hall and there’s a brief second where dread cuts through her belly. Just as soon as it comes it’s gone however. Grizzly locks in and readies herself for whatever is going to happen next, knowing that whoever just entered the safehouse may very well be there to kill the both of them. 

Footsteps. Three sets.

The very familiar sound of combat boots touching against the ground halts, leaving her with no clue as to where exactly the intruders were in the hallway. There’s a few beats of silence, leaving her to think something was about to happen, and then she hears a short whistle. A pause. Another short whistle. Another pause. Another short whistle. 

Ghost whistles back once, drawing it out slightly longer and it’s repeated back. 

Grizzly releases the breath she hadn’t even noticed she’d been holding in and is greeted with the unruly mohawk of her favorite Scot. Price and Gaz follow behind him. The hours of worry she’d been carrying for her teammates falls from her shoulders and the relief which comes with it is a welcome feeling. 

She doesn’t take long to relish in the emotion, knowing they all likely needed to be treated. Grizzly kneels by her pack, instructing the three other members of her team to sit and let her treat them. Despite each of them insisting there was nothing serious they were dealing with, she still conducts full head to toe exams as needed and treats what is seen fit. Price had fought her the hardest on it, but she had refused to listen and proceeded to treat a gunshot wound to his upper thigh. Upon finishing up with her treatment to them at a satisfactory level, Grizzly goes to assume her watch again. 

However Soap, the least injured of the three–which was immensely surprising to her–insisted on taking the watch instead. In pain and finally starting to feel exhaustion weighing down her bones, she doesn’t argue much and lays down in the back corner of the small room they were all posted up in. Within minutes, sleep claims her and welcomes its calming embrace with wide open arms. 

A/N: A big thank you to anyone who has stuck around to see the new release of this chapter after so long. Love ya'll!

[cannibal-nightmares]

apothecary's log: cannibal's schizophrenic insomnia survival guide

this is just an extremely extremely loose review on one night of drinking this tea, for anyone's interest. I'm not going to edit or formalize this, especially given that this is based around sleep, so I want to depict my thoughts as they were. (also slightly interesting to see how my text patterns change)

foreword: I picked up this tea just because I wanted something lavender-tasting; I genuinely did not expect anything to actually become of it's effects, though I probably would have if I had actually read the ingredients.

physically: actually made me sleepy, which was unexpected, as per my original (un)intentions of buying this. made me a bit disoriented-- I couldn't tell if it's similar to the imbalance melatonin causes me, or if it was due to general induced-sleepiness paired with the symptoms of chronic vertigo. "dizzy" isn't quite the word here: it feels like the wakefulness from sleepwalking, like I move and then I realize I've moved, it unbalances me, I resolve the slight panic, repeat. it's like trying to do a task while high. maybe I'll try actively doing something for my curiosity the next night. I really didn't experience anything unpleasurable (ex, some teas that give me heart palpitations)

mentally: didn't experience much change in my mental state other than feeling I could freely slip into daydreams (with paranoia and constant critique, this is not always the case). background chatter remained at the same volume, corherency, and tone. I felt my focus alter: normally when I "get off track," I make mental tabs on where I was and where to reference back to after I go down a rabbit hole, but with this tea, no tabs were granted. I barely felt slightly annoyed with this, much less concern (though any semblance of "panic," as described, was mildly entertaining within the context), so, so far, no unpleasant mental effects.

I tried to do some cross-referencing on some of the ingredients in this tea, but results were mixed and contradicted each other, and--I'll be honest--my tired hypochondriac ass got a bit spooked trying to read about consuming poppy (and then confused... more on this later). I'm sure I could read on it upon a mornings wake.

waking up: I woke up interrupted to a phone call, but had felt like I had been waking up, anyways. I woke up sleepy, but not drowsy or miserably tired. I'm not sure that I moved much in my sleep, which is often a problem for me; as for dreams, they were busy and plot-thick but might have been due to how stressed I've been. They did physically feel a touch different, though, so there's room for further observation, especially because I think i was grinding my teeth again, based on a mild headache (something that seems to have lessened and momentarily disappeared in taking cbd+cbg+∆9, but i have otherwise ground my teeth for far more than a decade now). Upon continually waking up, sleep gently melted away and has left me comfortably alert. Its hard to tell what dizziness is from vertigo or the tea; honestly, probably the former. Similarly, after standing up, I almost immediately starting hallucinating bugs (without fear and without total recognition until they vanished), which on one hand I wouldn't consider to be the factor of the tea, and on the other, I don't commonly see stuff upon waking up.

Overall, in its purpose, I slept through 5 hours. I'll take that as a win. Only after one night, 9/10, so far would recommend. Also it's delicious.

Some general unorganized notes of contrast: Valerian root (found in "Extra" Sleepytime brand tea) doesn't seem to do anything for me while awake, and induces consistently mildly disturbing dreams; CBD+CBG+∆9 is fast-acting in calm--doesn't make me sleepy or necessarily keep me asleep, but puts my mind and body at ease to make for productive and stress-free rest (of what I get); melatonin causes drowsiness as it kicks in and has me "fast travel" through the night, which I find more uncomfortable than productive

[j0eyj0rdis0n]

CONCERT/MUSIC WRAPPED 2024

So I know the new year has started, but I've been wanting to post all the concerts I've gone to in the past year. I didn't get to do one for 2023 because I was dumb and forgot, so I'm not going to forget again lol!

This will include my thoughts on the concerts or any information that I deem relevant to share. These are my opinions so take them with a grain of salt!

MARCH 15th - Avenged Sevenfold, Poppy & Sullivan King

This was the first concert I went to with my current boyfriend! Avenged Sevenfold KILLED IT!! As a bass player, when I caught Johnny's pick I was freaking the fuck out. But Poppy had unfortunate stage presence and you could tell the crowd wasn't really feeling either of the openers. Their sets were SO long!! Especially for openers... Overall 8/10.

APRIL 6th - Kaonashi, Pains, Mugshot, Cell & Exiled IA (my first and only show with Exiled as their bassist!)

I had a great time playing my first show ever!! It was unfortunate the circumstances within Exiled, but I had a great time regardless and made lots of friends! 7/10

APRIL 15th - Necrogoblikon, Dragonforce & Dethklok

AWESOME SHOW!! The goblin from Necrogoblikon gave me a setlist and the lovely bassist for Dragonforce did the same. It was an awesome feeling knowing they wanted me specifically to get them! They had great crowd interaction! And don't get me started on Dethklok!! There was a great break in the show where Brendon did all the character voices, and the show was LOUD. I also got to meet the guitarist for Dethklok, Nili Brosh, after the show!! 10/10

APRIL 23rd - SESSANTA: Pucifer, A Perfect Circle & Primus

Was seated super far away so it was hard for me to see (as someone with glasses), but there wasn't really a whole lot to see anyway from what I could tell. The lighting design was beautiful though! Also I'll always be disappointed that there was no photos or videos allowed. But it was my first concert out of state! Even though I had to sleep in the airport both ways to get there... 6/10

MAY 1st - Nothing More & Wage War

Legendary!! I threw up three times lmao. (in the trash! I would never do that on the floor!) It was worth it. Most headbanging I think I've done in my life. Also got in the pit, I fell really hard and skinned my knees, they bled through my pants. 9/10

MAY 18th - Rippin' N' Rollin' 1: Polly Mall Cops

Super fun concept!! The skating rink here hosted a local band to play for the first time ever! They played in the middle of the rink while everyone skated around. As someone who loves to skate, has their own pair of skates, plays roller derby, and loves rock music, it was a total win. And it was PACKED! So happy to see the rink making good money! Also got to chat with the band, so fun! 9/10

JUNE 1st - Released "imposter/syndrome" with Fatherwounds

I don't have much to say about this one just because it was a pretty casual project just made for fun. I always have a great time working with my friend on music and I was glad we could actually release something together!

JULY 12th - Fit For A King, Hollywood Undead & I Prevail

Not quite an out of state concert but it was a three hour drive to get there. And none of us realized that there was two separate GA pits. So we were subjected to the back pit. And the crowd was LAME!! When the bands asked for crowd participation, from raising their hands, to screaming, to opening up the pit, the crowd never responded!! I was in agony because I knew if I was up in the front pit I would get shit going!! Hollywood Undead and I Prevail had fire sets though. Fit For A King was absolutely carried by the bassist. 5/10

JULY 23rd - Return To Dust, Tigercub & Chevelle

I got a free ticket so how could I possibly say no? I got to hang out with the DJ's from the local radio station and I got my poster signed by Return To Dust. They were so sweet! But the singer from Tigercub is a total asshole!! Or at least he treated me like shit. I love their music but fuck him. He was definitely drunk. 4/10

JULY 27th - Rippin' N' Rollin' 2: Tires & Glitter Density

Another good show at the rink! This one was more vibe-y electronic music so it wasn't really my speed, but I just love skating so it wasn't too bad. It was fun skating with my boyfriend. 5/10

AUGUST 15th - Hairball

Hairball never disappoints! They always put on a fire show and their outfits are killer! I've never been in such a crowd full of assholes before. I mean... I've dealt with some shitty people, but these people were HORRIBLE. Show was a 9/10 but the people bring it down to a 6/10

AUGUST 17th - Avatar, Ice Nine Kills & In This Moment

Another great concert! Avatar was amazing!! Everything I was expecting! And it was Henrik's birthday!! In This Moment had the same setlist as last time, which was fine, but I kinda wanted something different. She's stunning though. And Ice Nine Kills blew me away! That was my second(?) time seeing them and they played all the songs I wanted to hear! I LOVE WURST VACATION!! And Meat and Greet!! 9/10

SEPTEMBER 19th - Slipknot no.9 whiskey signing

This was leading up to Knotfest Iowa. They had their whiskey signing at a local grocery store here (which was wild btw) and it was PACKED. You couldn't find a place to park! I brought my limited edition 2000's Wait and Bleed CD to be signed since I couldn't purchase a bottle of no.9. But they never told us what members would be there so I was hoping there would be an original member to sign my CD since it was decently limited. But of course, every member there was one that WASN'T on the album... Of course I still got it signed and I was very thankful for the opportunity, but it's still mildly disappointing... and it was fucking HOT out. I waited for like 2 hours... 7/10

SEPTEMBER 20th - Vended album release signing

LOVE THEM!!! They recognized me as soon as I walked in the store! "Hey you've come to a couple of our shows right?" Damn right I have!! They're always super kind and I run into their girlfriends in town all the time! Saw Simon and his girlfriend Lilly at a Spirit Halloween this past October lol! Griffin also complimented my corset! 10/10

SEPTEMBER 21st - Knotfest Iowa 2024

It was a good time even though once again it was fucking hot. I pretty much saw every band who was there! Till Lindemann was such a treat! I am so in love with Jes and Constance... My boyfriend hand painted me a Slipknot jumpsuit and mask to wear! Also got to see a lot of my friends there, including Vended and their girlfriends once again lol! But the downside was Slipknot's set was cut short due to a thunderstorm. All of the crowd was ready to keep going, but apparently it was 'too dangerous'. Sigh... I really wanted to hear them play Scissors and Spit It Out... 8/10

OCTOBER 4th - Worm, Frozen Soul TX & Gatecreeper

Another fun time! This was my first deathcore show and I was having such a blast in the pit! I also got in for free because my friend works for the owners of the venue! Got to chat with the bands and take a picture too! 9/10

OCTOBER 19th - Seether & Skillet

Lol I called out of work for this one... Don't tell my boss. I mean the tickets were super cheap and Skillet was a bucket list band to see. And fuckkkkk they didn't disappoint! They played every song I wanted to hear and I knew every word! Got to hang out with the local rock radio DJ's again and meet the new guy! I love my homies at Lazer! Seether was average for me, I like more of their b-side songs and obviously they didn't play those. We left halfway through their set lol 9/10

OCTOBER 31st - Rippin' N' Rollin' 3: Haploid & Druids

As I've said before... I LOVE SKATING!! And I got to wear my Slipknot jumpsuit again since it was a Halloween show! Also Druids played a Nine Inch Nails cover so I was rocking outttt!!! 10/10

NOVEMBER 12th - Wind Walkers, Zero 9:36, Currents & The Plot In You

It was my boyfriend's birthday and his friend bought us all tickets so it was a free show. I really wanted to go to see Wind Walkers and The Plot In You. Wind Walkers played every song I wanted to hear. It was fucking awesome!! I caught a Currents pick which I gave to my friend because he wanted it so badly. (he loves currents) He ended up catching a Zero 9:36 pick so he traded me, which worked out perfect! 8/10

NOVEMBER 27th - Scene Queen & Babymetal

Scene queen was good! I knew a majority of her songs and she was super cute! The only thing that killed it for me was these bitches behind me who told me to stop headbanging. Fuck them. But seeing Babymetal for the second time was a dream come true!! I love Momoko so much! She smiled really big when she saw I knew the dances! (specifically her parts!) 8/10

[indigo-a-creeping]

Hi Indigo, I got to see my results today. I think they look good for now but I’m interested to see how swelling changes them. I wasn’t super happy with the MA that helped me today. She was super nice and but super mechanical and definitely more of a get-in-and-get-out type. Which isn’t great when I have questions. I should have been more assertive. I ended up having to keep a drain in because my left side drained 20ml in the last 24 hours and 30ml the 24 hours before and they were concerned about the 30ml being on the line of their limit. So now I get to travel home with a drain, which isn’t their fault but it’s still annoying for me. But like, I only have one follow up appointment a week from today where I submit pictures, I don’t even talk directly to anyone. And I don’t know how long I’m expected to sleep elevated or how long I have to sleep only on my back or if I can drive or when I can lift my elbows higher than my shoulders. It’s just frustrating right now. And knowing that no one in my family gets it is tough.

I feel really disappointed right now and it’s not with the results. It’s with everything else.

I just want to thank you because you don’t even know me and yet you’ve been the biggest help out of anyone. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, it’s meant more than I can say.

I'm sorry things have been rough. The MA I had was not super forthcoming with information either (I feel like no one really was), and I am also often not good at speaking up.

There was someone in the group text of people who had surgery in May who went to the GCC the day after me, and they also had to go home with one drain in. They said it was pretty easy to get out when the time came.

You will have more followup appointments in the future (at 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months, I want to say), just submitting pictures and a brief summary, though you're able to write as much as you need to. For me, they just said I was "right where I needed to be," and that was it. If you have concerns that aren't addressed or you just want extra support, you can always call them.

I slept elevated for another week after the post-op appointment, and then took away pillows as I felt comfortable. When you feel like you can sleep on your side, it's probably going to be okay (though I waited a long time because I didn't want fluid to build up unevenly). I tried gingerly lying on my side at maybe week 4-5? I didn't feel comfortable sleeping that way for another couple weeks.

You can drive as soon as the anesthesia and bigger narcotics are out of your system. I started driving just past 1 week. It was tough at first, mostly because the binder made it hard to turn my body enough (so not super safe to drive, but I did it anyway). The first week of driving I kept my hands low to turn the wheel with little movements, and week 5 I felt like I didn't have to protect my chest from the seatbelt.

I was reaching out almost as far as my arms could extend the day of surgery, but I know even at week 3 I physically couldn't raise my elbows above my shoulders. By week 6 I could lift my arms, and I had maybe 85% flexibility and strength back (that's when I went back to work).

You can find information online, but each surgeon has different guidelines and everyone heals differently. Especially at this point, you'll be pretty safe listening to your body.

I know how you feel being alone with this, and I'm glad I've been able to help! I hope this helps too!

[recycledraccoon]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers 💜💜

ʕ⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴥ⁠ꈍ⁠ʔฅ💛💛💛💛

1. I actually really like loose leaf tea. I'm very picky about tea but once I switched to quality loose leaf it was a huge door being opened for me. I actually have a whole table with a stone tea tray on it to brew in the Chinese Gong-fu style, tho I don't sit down for a full session very often since I have limited time in my evenings due to my work hours and I'm just tired on weekends. I drink some green tea I have at work, but I don't have a good container over there to brew it so I have an abomination set up involving two Styrofoam cups and the bottom half of a tiny tea strainer. I really need to just get a proper infuser-nesting mug lol.

2. So, when I last renamed this tumblr, I was going for the alliteration and joke because I had in real life made the "my trash is your trash as long as you properly recycle" more than once. I also found the image I use as my profile picture and thought it was funny. My ao3 does not share this name but it is another animal and another raccoon and trash icon. (I've thought about changing it to my current handles/nicknames but at this point I haven't changed literally anything about my Tumblr in so long I'm being stubborn about it.)

This is all to say, neither of these animals are my favorite.

I really really like North American Badgers specifically. I bought a cheap comforter specifically because I found a cheap comforter cover that was a North American Badger. I have two North American Badger statues that I bought specifically for use as tea pets. (I use the big one on my stone table but have used the small for my traveling tea set recently.)

I do hate that initially what got me started on badgers was being repeatedly sorted into Hufflepuff way back when, but I've LONG disavowed that for obvious reasons Besides, that's a European badger.

Anyway, North American Badgers make me exceedingly happy whenever I see stuff of them, especially since they're not exactly the popular types of badgers.

3. Unfortunately, similarly to badgers, I first started my journey to liking yellow due to the previously mentioned fictional house. I didn't start REALLY loving it tho until the recent few years, and I actually own a few articles of clothing in this color now.

4. A more minor one is that I am at some of my most happiest and most content when my dog gets on the bed to cuddle with me when I go to sleep, and I can fall sleep face-in-fur. She doesn't do this very often, far more likely to sleep on the floor as she's an independent breed. If I move too much or try to move her even a little she will leave without hesitation. I have made astounding space compromises at times to achieve this falling asleep scenario.

5. Stupid jokes. I make puns at work and Verbally OUT LOUD AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY imitate the ba-bum-toosh following the jokes. Literally every time for years whenever people ask me "what's up" (usually only in relation to the type of what's up that's about one's day) I go like "ceiling, wires, insulation, ventilation-" etc. I don't go on long, a few seconds/3-4 items usually, but do always follow up with a genuine answer and return the question. These types of stupid jokes bring me endless joy and yes I do think I'm very funny.

[recoveringhopefulsoul]

July 5, 2024

Today is Lia's first birthday. I can't believe my baby kitten is now a year old! She'll still be technically in a kitten age group until she's 2, even though she transitions to adult food now. She was so shocked when I brought out her kitten broth, her old food and her new food (which she LOVES), and her birthday treats. They're actually called Birthday even though it's lobster and beef flavored.

After losing Willow at only 8 months old, I have been so overprotective of Lia. Now that she's a year old, I may be able to loosen up a little. We'll see. Lia gave me lot of cuddles this morning until she said, "Mommy, that's enough," by giving me a slight (non-painful) bite on my forearm. That's her cue for "I don't want to be picked up right now" or "I want down now".

Anyway, I am here now drinking my coffee. I am still recovering from all the days I spent out this past week. Thankfully, I didn't sleep until noon today, only until 10, so I'm getting back to my usual. Although, there were a lot of fireworks here last night, and due to trauma things, it's very hard to calm my body down enough to fall asleep. They went past midnight, which honestly is disrespectful. Fireworks need to stop at 10pm, and the latest (on the holiday itself) at 11pm.

Lia kept looking at me when they started going off, and I told her what they were and gave her a safe space in the closet where she could go. I left a spot open in there, when I redid my closet, that would be just for her to go to and rest. I put her bed in there with her toys, gave her some catnip treats, sprayed some lavender under the blankets on my bed so it wouldn't be overly strong for her but would still be relaxing, and put on some kitty music that had a cat purring. After a while, we both were pretty desensitized to them, which I was grateful for. I am getting better with them so I don't go into trauma flashbacks anymore, and that's an amazing thing.

I think, no, I know, there's a part of me that is upset with my weight. I am on day 3 or 4 of my cycle, so some of it is from that, but it's higher than what I would like it to be. It's not interfering, as far as I know, with what I need to be doing for myself, but it is aggravating my exercise urges which makes the urge to not do anything even stronger because I'm afraid of being unable to stop exercising once I start. It's a conundrum, right? It's what makes doing my PT exercises so difficult! I am glad that I'm going to be starting PT up again in August since I'll have that support, but that also means that I may have to try driving every now and then.

Driving still causes me so much anxiety! It's because I've blacked out at the wheel numerous times, gotten extremely lightheaded, or end up dissociating further than what is normal while driving. (As in a lot of people dissociate while driving, like accidentally going to work instead of the store, and yes that is dissociation, I've studied this for my graduate degree, but mine is more like blocking out hours at a time or just the whole trip and not remembering even driving there to begin with). But they know this at the PT office, so the last time I had to do this, they've told me that if I'm in a place that it would be unsafe to drive, to call them, and we would reschedule the best we could. Thankfully I only had to do that once in the 3-4 months of PT I had for my right leg.

Mom and Gamma are coming over for a bit today since they'll be in town. They are going to sing Happy Birthday to Lia, so that will be nice. The baby is probably so confused since cats have no concept of these things, but it makes special memories for their humans, so they put up with it. LOL

[thegroundsofbrooklyn]

I MISSED YOU TOO TUMBLR IS AGAINST ME IT KEEPS EATING MY ASKS THOUGH IT SAID THEY SENT

OKAY SO THE PEOPLE FROM YOUR CORNER OF THE WORLD ONE DIRECTION I love Louis tomlinson so much. I loved him in 1d and loce him now. We had lots of pride stuff at our shows because well do you know the story of Larry stylinson? -Louis probably isn't straight (I mean being in love with your male best friend would suggest) but he has never specifically said what he is also he's so support of his LGBT fans and we love and support him so so much. He's so sweet and his music is great and real and he writes about sad things too!

soooooo I drove 3 hours to Ohio to see him on Thursday after work. I almost got heat exhaustion so hot. They did not have plain water for sale at like 80%of the vendors it was just beer and cocktails (yuck and also NOT HELPFUL IN 90 DEGREE HEAT), got upgraded for free Cuz they had empty seats closer (oh my fucking gosh I almost died of excitement l) IT WAS AMAZING HE WAS GREAT. I then proceeded to drive back and go to work on literally an hour or 2 of sleep and since the pandemic no where's open late anymore so I didn't eat for a day and a half opps.

I went to his Detroit show yesterday and it was lit. He literally said we were fucking unbelieveable a minimum of 4 times and thanked us and called Ohio then michigan(both of which I was at) the best shows his entire tour. I just wanted to hug him like a bazillion times.

#one directioner forever sorry to ramble about my lifelong love for 5 boys from the UK. I just love things veryyyyyyy intensely. Maybe not the normal amount but hey

The staff wouldnt let us get streamers from off the ground :( I know that's probably an odd thing to want what can I say it's a memory. Although I didnt basically sleep for 3 days it was so amazing and completely worth it. I wish I could live it a million times over. Everyone was happy, and Louis was happy:) I am not social, but the atmosphere of concerts and to a different degree professional theater is just something else. We're all there for one thing, and it's so Beautiful. It's one of those times that for me personally my depression anxiety and borderline are far from my mind. I feel euphoric on top of the world and being happy is very nice. Being happy with others; seeing two friends dance or shout words to each other or smile it makes you happy too. Even when I don't know them. So I guess I am social in liking to be around people but just not good at speaking to them.

I also lost my car in a field because they have no signage and in a sea of cars where the fuck did I park. Who knows I wandered for 20 minutes until I finally stumbled upon it. I can't even imagine those people who drink then look for cars like my human you bad decisioned.

My most unfavorite part of concerts is just getting out of the traffic jam afterword. I've learned to get to your car and sit there until there is no line of cars waiting and you're golden. (That usually takes a while bit is worth the headache and wasted gas. )

THAT IS SUPER EXCITING!! I wish you were going next month, lol. I hope you have the most fun!!!! Ahhhh boo tests BUT YAY CONCLUSION!!! That means in a few weeks I can annoy you with all the newsies thoughts xD

I WILL SEND MY FIC IDEA IN A DIFFERENT ASK BECAUSE IM SORRY THIS IS LONG. I kind of apologize for that but you did say tell you all the shenanigans xD

oh my god that sounds incredible and also so chaotic 😭 six year old me had the BIGGEST crush on all of one direction smdmdj i'm so happy you had a great time anon :))

i am going to west endsies next month, but only closing night because i'm away in the usa for about the first half of it anyway ... but i can always buy more tickets ...... 👀

[pyrettawychwiggin]

Pyretta's Answers:

1. Who is/are your comfort character(s)?

I have a few; Daine & Numair from Tamora Pierce's 'The Immortals' series, Crow from Destiny 2, Julian from The Arcana, Lara Croft (just like, in general). The list goes on 😅 These days, I've been hyperfixated on Nanami Kento from Jujutsu Kaisen 🥴❤️‍🔥

2. Lighter or matches?

Lighter, but matches will do.

3. Do you leave the window open at night?

I don't think that's wise, no. If I could trust that some crazy person wouldn't take advantage, I probably would, though - I love the air flow.

4. Which cryptic being do you believe in?

Would you count the fae? If not that, definitely skinwalkers.

5. What colour are your eyes?

Green-ish, with kind of a hint of hazel sometimes.

6. Why did you do that?

I was in a very dark place in my life - I'm just glad I got out of things before I did something stupid.

7. Hair ties or scrunchies?

Back when I had hair long enough, I loved my scrunchies. I had a lil' collection going. Nowadays I rock a short style - more comfy.

8. How many water bottles are in your room right now?

None, actually. Usually I have one or two in there, though.

9. Which do you prefer - hot coffee or cold coffee?

Iced and packed full of sugar.

10. Would you slaughter the rich?

#EatTheRich (the mega-rich, anyways. I don't see anything wrong with someone who has lots of wealth; it's the multi-billionaires that I think are wholly unethical)

11. Favourite extracurricular activity?

Making/listening to music for sure.

12. What kind of day is it?

Gloomy, actually. Something in the air has myself and everyone I know feeling 'off.' Ah well. Another day tomorrow - sun'll come out eventually.

13. When was the last time you ate?

A couple hours ago.

14. Do you love the smell of the earth after it rains?

It's one of my favourite smells, actually.

15. Are you a parent?

I think I have a tamagotchi still lying around here somewhere... 🤔

16. Can you drive?

Yep. I only started driving a few years ago, but I finally got a move on anyways.

17. Are you nearsighted or farsighted?

I'm more near-sighted than far-sighted, but not at a point to need glasses or contacts (yet).

18. What hair products do you use?

I love the Amika brand shampoo, conditioner and dry shampoo. Aside from that, the only other hair product I use is Evo's 'Salty Dog' salt spray.

19. Imagine we're at a sleepover - would you paint my nails?

I mean hey, sure - I just can't guarantee I'll paint them well 😅💅

20. Do you say soda or pop?

I say both, actually - no rhyme or reason, I just kinda blurt our whichever comes out in the moment 😅🥤

21. Something you've kept since your childhood.

A mix CD from my late first boyfriend - I've had it since 10th grade.

22. What type of person are you?

I'd say 'sentimental.' Sometimes delusional with my tendency to lean into escapism - it leads me to be a bit of an idealist, and I can have unrealistic expectations sometimes.

23. How do you feel about chilly weather?

I don't mind it, really - it's when the air is so cold it hurts my face that it starts to get old.

24. If we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

Stargazing and listening to some tunes for sure - with any luck, we'll catch some northern lights. Also snacks. We always need snacks.

25. Perfume/body spray or lotion?

I don't really use perfume - maybe on occasion I'll use a body spray from Bath & Body Works or something, but lotion I use every day.

26. A scenario that you've replayed multiple times?

The last hour I spent with my grandfather. I feel like if I had really known that was going to be the last hour, I would have had so much more to say.

27. About how many hours of sleep did you get?

Six, give or take? Which is a lot for me.

28. Do you wear a mask?

I do, but I'm a dental assistant, so that just kind of comes with the gig. Other than that, I wear masks when I am feeling under the weather, but need to be out in public for whatever reason, or if I'm in a place where masks are required by the business/health code standards.

29. How do you like your shower water?

Wet? (Ha) Nah, I usually like it at some semi-extreme temperature; either hotter than hellfire, or glacier cold.

30. Are there dishes in your room?

Nope.

31. What type of music keeps you grounded?

Some nice acoustic indie tunes; maybe some lo-fi tunes.

32. Do you have a favourite towel?

I do love my blue striped beach towel ♡

33. The last adventure you've been on?

My last adventure.... Drumheller with my partner, actually! Last year 🦖🦕

34. Is there a song you know every word to by heart?

Every song from Evanescence's 'Fallen' album, but there are many songs outside of that, too.

35. What's your timezone?

Mountain Standard Time.

36. How many times have you changed your url?

Only once, I think. As far as I can remember, anyways.

37. Someone in your life other than a relative that you've known for 10+ years.

My non-blood brother and sister - my lifelines.

38. A soap bar that smells good.

I don't use bar soap, actually. Just liquid soaps. I usually go for unscented stuff, but rain/ocean-scented is usually a good bet for me.

39. Do you use lip balm?

Erryday - specifically, I love Burt's Bees and Barefoot Venus.

40. Did you have any snacks today?

Yep! Doritos and a Pepsi slurpee this afternoon. Aside from that, it's been all celery, carrots, cucumbers and oranges.

41. How do you take your coffee?

Iced and sickeningly sweet; like, more sugar than coffee, probably.

42. An app you frequently use aside from this godforsaken site.

Well, Instagram and TikTok (like most of the world). Aside from that, I use my Artful Agenda religiously. I used to be a big fan of paper agendas, but I needed to switch to electronic for convenience, but I liked that I could still get the same customization and fun options of a paper agenda with it. So now, it's my only real 'every day' app.

43. What's your take on spicy foods?

I wish my tongue wasn't so weak so I could enjoy them more, but alas 🥵

44. You get a free pass to kill anyone - who is it?

Honestly? No one.

45. Can you remember what happened yesterday?

Pfft, I can barely remember what I had for lunch this afternoon, much less what happened yesterday 😅

46. Favourite holiday film?

I've always enjoyed watching Sleepy Hollow, Corpse Bride, and Hocus Pocus around the Halloween season. As for Yule, I'm leaning towards Krampus, Elf, Love Actually, and The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe.

47. What was the last message you sent?

A single-emoji text to my dad that says '🗿'

48. When did you first try an alcoholic beverage?

I think I was 16/17 years old. Nothing crazy, just a bottle of Corona.

49. Can you skip rocks?

Not well, but I can. Sometimes 🙃

50. Can I tag you in random stuff?

As long as it's not:

• racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic, etc.

• AI art

• spam

• just harmful to someone like, in general

Then by all means, lol

here’s weirder asks

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

lighter or matches?

do you leave the window open at night?

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

what color are your eyes?

why did you do that?

hair-ties or scrunchies?

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

would you slaughter the rich?

favorite extracurricular activity?

what kind of day is it?

when was the last time you ate?

do you love the smell of earth after it rains?

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

can you drive?

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

what hair products do you use?

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

do you say soda or pop?

something you’ve kept since childhood?

what type of person are you?

how do you feel about chilly weather?

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

perfume/body spray or lotion?

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

do you wear a mask?

how do you like your shower water?

is there dishes in your room?

what type of music keeps you grounded?

do you have a favorite towel?

the last adventure you’ve been on?

is there a song you know every word to by heart?

what’s your timezone?

how many times have you changed your url?

someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

a soap bar that smells good?

do you use lip balm?

did you have any snacks today?

how do you take your coffee?

an app you frequently use besides this godforsaken site?

what’s your take on spicy foods?

you get a free pass to kill anyone, who is it?

can you remember what happened yesterday?

favorite holiday film?

what was the last message you sent?

when did you first try an alcohol beverage?

can you skip rocks?

can i tag you in random stuff?

[tonisonlinediary]

Alr, crying episode has been concluded.

I need to find a reason to live for, I need to find my will for living. Something other than just also waiting for Floyd to appear/show up.

I like my friends and family, job and social circle, but they aren't reason enough to keep staying/fighting, I need something else besides that.

I've been living this far because I've been hoping for the day that I can finally be with Floyd. I've always intuitively knew that it would at the very least, be before 2030, I previously predicted 2023, 5 years after we originally began to communicate to each other, but life had other plans.

So as we enter 2025, only 5 more years until I decide what to do next.

I know that in my soul contract I explicitly made it so that I cannot commit su-cide in this lifetime, but I know that I can always bypass this contract line and move around it instead.

Floyd and my spirit team overall, including myself to an extent, is against me even thinking of that as an option. But I'm speaking for myself selfishly, since if I want nothing else in life besides Floyd and death. Then let me choose my own fate if the time comes near.

So with that being said, here's cheers.

Cheers to the soon to be 8 years that I've known Floyd and that I've gone down this wacky ride, 8 years full of love, horrors and growth. And here's a shot to potentially years more full of love, growth, experience and expansion into the wider and unknown universe!

So I will keep on waiting, keep on being patiently waiting for my husband. Either he finds me alive and came right on time, or he just narrowly misses me and finds me gone. But either way, I'm going to live selfishly until then. Live for myself and no one else.

-

My will to keep going/living is:

1. Floyd, to make it until the day that I can finally see/be with him. Predicted to be before 2030, most likely 2025 - 2027.

2. To die, to live until 2030, then apply for MAID. If that's the case, then I'll spend that last year making it one to remember and love.

-

Because, outside of everything else, I don't have a major reason to keep on going. My happiness lies with my husband, it's just me that's missing from the picture. Of course I can try to find my happiness here, but I just, don't feel a connection like that anywhere but here, over there with Floyd. Just, fuck.

I have such conflicting wishes. I wish that Floyd was here with me right now and I also wish that I could just rest for now.

-

I just opened Spotify and put my liked songs on shuffle and "Starset - Frequency" was one of the first songs that came up for me. For context, Starset is one of my confirmation songs that I use for when asking for signs from Floyd. Overall, it's pretty effective and accurate. If that wasn't a sign enough, the song right after this one was "Lydia - Nelward", which again, is just a person song that I love and associate with me and Floyd's tolerance for each other.

Now can you understand just how insane this all this to me? Fuck. Anyways, here's the lyrics to Lydia since it resonates with me so much;

(Also, it's 9am rn and I just woke up)

"Good morning,

You got the motion

Ooh you cause commotion

How you don't know what you've done to me

The very notion

Ooh of your devotion

Keeps me up all night I'll never sleep

If I can't sleep it's no dream (It's no dream)

Is this a joke that you're playing on me

Straight out of some fantasy

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'd run for miles just to trip on your shoelace

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'll wait a while for a crumb of your embrace

I feel your power

Stronger every hour

And ignore the flags out flapping red

Just for a minute

I thought you were in it

Now I'm back online and swiping left

Cause now you left me on read (Oh no)

I pick my brain for something stupid I said

I guess it's happening again (God dammit)

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'd run for miles just to trip on your shoelace

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'll wait a while for a crumb of your embrace

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'd run for miles just to trip on your shoelace

Oh lydia

Oh lydia

I'll wait a while in the hopes that you pull through

You know I'm a fool

You know I'm a moron

Yeah I'm a fucking idiot

Yeah, I'm fucking dumb."

-

-

-

I just want someone/something so bad that not having it is just fucking suffering at this point. And, I can't live my life always in constant anticipation, so I need something to soothe me, something to motivate me... but he does.

-

Selfishly, I want Floyd, life, sex, love, passion, motivation, communication, strength and so much more. But also on this line of thinking, I also want love in general and to go to school again.

I just want to live for myself, Selfishly be selfish and yet selfless at the same time, y'know? He supports me and I support him.

[in-the-dreamland]

Diary Entry 31/12/24

End of year review (of sorts :P) and other nonsense...

Ok. So at the start of the month there was a storm which took the electric off in the early hours of Saturday 7th and didn't come back till about 20 mins to 5 Sunday 8th. On the Saturday evening we tried to toast a piece of bread in front of the gas fire. It worked of course. In this short time I really appreciated being away from the internet and just being at peace sat in front of the fire. The tea that we had to get hot from the local supermarket gave me a panic attack though (it wasn't decaf! I never knew caffeine could have such an effect) but anyway all was well afterwards.

The rest of the month up until now as I write this I have been trying to cope. Either with way too much alcohol or music. The alcohol is not letting me sleep and i'm so fucking tired. I'm also so fucking tired of mother throwing her little narcissistic jibes at me. It's literally ruining my mental health as if she hasn't ruined that enough like my entire life. I can't trust anyone in this house other than the cat. This family is so toxic and it's been interwoven into EVERY generation of it. I just want to escape but coping with it at the same time has made me weak - physically and mentally. I've put up with it a long time now.

Mother got me the most toxic smelling cheap made trousers I've ever seen and by chance I saw what she paid for them on bidding - £2.90. Literally the postage was more than that! I'm going to have to put them in the big bundle of clothes I'm going to sell next year. There is no way i'm EVER wearing them. The t-shirt she got me was cute but honestly I don't want that either because she's just done this because I said I was gonna get some clothes during the sales because they are slightly cheaper and money is tight y'know and I've barely any clothes but she literally took the piss out of me by buying those god awful trousers and even last night she kept on with her jibes. She doesn't want me to have anything nice.

I can understand why none of her internet friends stick around. Absolute nightmare human. I just want to escape but they took my life savings and STILL i'm so very fucking angry.

Anyway the above is just what it's always like here. A misery... We'll move on to the year in review.... (not that this year was any fucking good)

Ok, This year was hell don't get me wrong but I have learnt lessons. I have grown from the destructive behaviour I was doing to myself. And you know what? IT HURT LIKE HELL! I was miserable on New Years Eve / Day and that reflected in this entire year. I forgot to add that in the last weeks / months the boiler went, the fridge went, the bulb in the oven went, as a result of it being cold and also no boiler majority of my clothes got mouldy and even though they have been washed the mould has still stained some of the items ffs.

It was a battle to get through this year and i'm never ever easy on myself. I get hurt by something and then seek to make it worse for me...Why? I need to look after myself because no other HUMAN around me is going to do that. They would rather me crumble than have the bother of trying to help.

I'm going to make this new year SO FUCKING GOOD. I'm going to give it my all. I have to. This is it now. There is no other option other than failure. And I only want the good options from now on. I deserve that at least. I've suffered enough. It's time to win now. And I wish that for anyone going through the same hell as me or worse. I wish that for anyone who's dissatisfied with how life is. We can do this!

It's perhaps a little cringe to say this but I am going to be a new me this forthcoming year and she is going to be my favourite version thus far.

[darling-decay]

December 31st 2024

Lately, I haven't been able to sleep all that well. It usually doesn't take me so long to go to sleep, and I don't usually wake up every 1-2 hours, but as far as I can tell, there's nothing wrong. Maybe I'm just worried? I'm not sure, I've been waking up really early and not being able to go back to sleep despite being really tired, hm that reminded me of a sleep paralysis episode I had the other night, it honestly felt like something was clawing at my stomach and it kept getting more and more painful, I've always dealt with sleep paralysis, but never something really like that.

Anyways I just thought I'd write earlier in the morning to pass some time while I wait for my beloved to wake up, I hate waking up so early because it means I have to wait a few hours but for some reason I just can't go back to sleep, I've even tried taking an increasing amount of melatonin if I can't sleep and that does nothing either.

Everything seems to get a lot better when he's around, I know I'm not the most expensive person, and I can come off as cold or uninterested in person, but I try my best to make up with that in actions or writings, it's a little hard for me to say I love someone in person, I even have a hard time saying it to my family but I'm trying my best to fix that, for his sake. Although I hate the feeling of being vulnerable, every moment of discomfort is worth it when I know he's happy, Lord knows I'd give every bit of myself just to see him smile. He really does mean everything to me, I've been alone for so long, and I can't see myself living without him. It pains me to even think about it, I hate that I get this way, I miss him, and the clock seemingly mocks me. Every time I look at it, only a few minutes have passed.

I wrote him a poem a little bit ago and posted it in a server we're both in, I thought I could try and be more public with my love for him, though it does make me uncomfortable, maybe I'm over thinking it but I do get the feeling that I'm being judged when I do post a poem on that server, just as long as he likes them then I suppose I shouldn't pay mind to it.

Ah.. damn it all, not even 5 minutes have passed. Maybe I can play something for a bit? Or I can finish one of the books he recommended me, I'm almost done with the first one, I've been trying to read at least 20 pages but I'm not very good at reading and texting at the same time.

Anyways, I suppose I'll end it here, I'm sure I'll write something at the end of the day, oh wait today is new years isn't it?

Maybe we can do something for a date 💗

Thinking about that gives me butterflies