#anyway i love eating real food! who wouldve thought | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mariesocuniverse · 4 years ago

Text

Relationships: NCT 127

Maeil (aka Daily)

there are two meanings to their ship name

first is, of course, their names mashed together but the second meanings is much cuter and the one fans use to explain their dynamic

When Mae found out their ship name was Maeil her first reaction was “Oh? Is it because I make sure to let Taeil hyung I love him daily?” while cuddling Taeil on a couch

he’s the same age as Mae’s older brother so she treats him as such

her brother is literally like “Are you replacing me with Taeil? I’m your reall brother!” and she’s just there sweating

part of Taeil’s hype squad and will fight donghyuck for the position of president

like the two were on vlive and spent a good fifteen minutes arguing about their positions in the club Mae won but donghyuck refuses to acknowledge it

he could be doing something simple and you can see Mae in the background with a big smile cheering

he’s also like her personal teddy bear whenever she wants cuddles and/or wants to rest

there are just multiple gifs floating around nct twt of Mae tackling Taeil for a hug or her just clinging to him on a couch because she’s either tired and wants to rest or just wants cuddles

absolutely adores his voice

there are multiple compilations on youtube about all the times Mae compliments Taeil on his voice and him just blushing the whole time

Maenny

was lowkey intimidated bc the man is a fucking tree and basically towers over her

but then he saw him play around with some other trainees and that thought disappeared real quick

he’s more like the protective older brother than like a parent like Doyoung or Taeyong

can and has used his height to his advantage when it comes to scaring people who hurt Mae or do something to make her sad

he was one of the first people who found out about her old company and he looked like he was about to storm their building probably would’ve if it weren’t for Mae

one of the first people she became friends with because he always answered questions she had when she was a trainees

before debut there were times people could see Johnny walk somewhere and Mae is just trailing after him like a lost puppy more like running because the man’s legs are long and he walks faster

there was this one time someone asked where Mae was and Johnny just shuffled to the side to reveal her behind him

his large frame was just big enough to hide her from everyone’s vision unless you walk past the two

you know that one vid of predebut nct performing Under The Sea with Johnny wearing the fish head? Mae was supposed to join him dressed as Ariel but the idea was cut last minute

there was this one time Mae couldn’t see something bc she was too short so Johnny lifted her up and put her on his shoulders

okay enough about Mae’s height

during shows he’s always encouraging Mae to talk more when she seems unsure whether to give her input or not

johnny, after an interviewer asks a question: “what do you think Mae?”

absolutely melts whenever she does aegyo because no matter how old she is he’ll always see her as the cute kid who followed him everywhere

MaeTae

honestly it’s hard to pinpoint where Taeyong’s protective parental energy started getting directed to Mae

like it might’ve been somewhere predebut but she doesnt know when

she’s like 50% sure she just blanked out and suddenly Taeyong appeared in her life scolding her for not taking care of herself

it’s not like she’s complaining abt it she’s really grateful to have someone like him in her life

when her family got worried abt her joining a group filled with guys he personally went to her house and calmly explained how Mae will be taken care of and how the group will make sure that she’ll be safe

first person to know if there’s something between SM and Mae that the other members don’t know about

he was also the first member to know about what happened with Mae and her old company

she knows she can trust him with anything

he found her alone crying in one of the practice rooms and she just poured her heart out to him

Whenever they go places as a large group he looks for Mae first before counting the other members

she got lost once and now he doesnt want her out of his sight for more than five minutes

she got him a “world’s greatest dad” trophy as a joke that he has on a shelf in his room

YuMae

you know how yuta acts with mark and winwin? yeah he does the same for Mae

if he isnt giving a hug to mark he’s all the way across the room with Mae giving her a back hug

Mae: does nothing

Yuta: aigoo look how cute she is :)

she doesnt ignore him tho she just returns the affection

likes to jump on his back for a piggy back ride or just run and jump to give him a hug

there was this one clip that went viral of Yuta talking to someone and he just pauses for a moment before turning around to catch Mae, who seemingly came out of nowhere, into a hug and turned back to his conversation

neither yuta nor the other person seemed fazed so this seemed like a regular occurrence to them

he teaches her japanese!

its beneficial to both of them because Mae can learn and Yuta won’t forget any Japanese while living in Korea :D

really really really loves his smile

like real whipped (A/N i wrote this while watching the under the sea performance and now im going through it)

like she sees him smile and that makes her smile and that makes fans smile

Can and has glared at “fans” and other people who make her uncomfortable whether it be at the airport or during their schedules

There was this one time Mae was walking ahead of him when there were fansites following them and he just pulled her back into his arms because he noticed an anti of hers was nearby

It’s like a lion trying to protect a kitten

2Young

again did not know how Doyoung because like a parent to Mae but she just ended up rolling with it

She just has this aura to her that makes you want to care of her and give her love

whenever they go eat together with the group he always put food on her plate, regardless of whether the managers glare at him or not he glares back anyway so they back off

“doyoung she’s been put on a diet-” “she’s going to eat whether you like it or not”

one time Mae got sick with a fever and he just burst into her room with medicine and soup

if taeyong has the “world’s greatest dad” trophy doyoung has the “world’s greatest mom” trophy that he says he’ll throw it away but has it perched on his desk

Mae’s also one of the members who like to clown him

she’s the one of the reasons he already has gray hairs

Mae has a folder of embarrassing photos of Doyoung’s childhood that his brother sent to her and refuses to delete it

she cant do anything about them tho bc Doyoung got his own folder of babie Mae pics courtesy of Mae’s older brother

Haechan has tried and failed to gain access to either of those folders

MaeHyun

major sibling energy

but not like the bickering kind of energy but more like very soft and uwu

there are a lot of people asking them “are you sure you��re not related?” during interviews and fansigns

Fans are just waiting for the two to do a duet bc come on SM you have a real life Disney prince and princess here

Let Mae be the Jasmine to Jaehyun’s Aladdin and perform A Whole New World together

She likes to poke his dimple

There’s this one vid where Jaehyun and Mae are sitting together and she just pokes his dimple and Jaehyun’s smile gets bigger

joked about if he could let her meet yugyeom and bambam bc of 97line and he just went no <3

when jaehyun was inkigayo’s mc nobody could approach her with the infamous inkigayo sandwich bc she was always with him not like anyone could try considering mae has several bodyguards wherever she goes

you know how jaehyun won the alpaca plushie in nct life? he gave it to mae bc he know how much she loved plushies

Honestly the majority of the plushies in her room were given to her by jaehyun

She has a bear named after him uwu

MaeWoo

Loves the energy he gives and thinks he’s so funny

He never fails to make her laugh whenever she needs cheering up

they used to be shy around each other when he first joined the group but they caught each other having a midnight snack so they just talked at 3am eating ramen until doyoung found them and told them to go to bed

now it’s just tradition for them to go to a convenience store together and eat ramen or whatever snacks they decide to get

nobody is allowed to join them its only a MaeWoo thing

Mae has natural aegyo but Jungwoo has taught her to use it to her advantage which she does but not often

Another one of Mae’s cuddle buddies

She just thinks he looks so soft so she just clings to him whenever he’s nearby

Major uwu energy over here when it comes to the two of them together

idk why but i dont see him as the type to be protective when it comes to her dating

he’s more like

“you dont have a boyfriend yet? damn people dont know what they’re missing”

or on the other side of the spectrum

“good luck to your future boyfriend he’ll need it if he’s gonna date you”

2Ma/MaeKyung

Older brother that doesn’t feel like an older brother

Majority of the time he kinda just feels like they’re the same age or younger so newer fans get shocked when they find out she’s younger

Like there was this one time Johnny the two were playing Smash Bros and Mark was whining because he lost and Mae was jumping in the background cheering it was his fourth loss in a row but he won’t say it

they were kinda awkward around each other at first so johnny literally had to stick them in a room together and didn’t let them leave until they talked to each other

it worked and they just vibed and rambled about different topics like trainee life and what mark’s life in Vancouver was like

speaking of Vancouver

one time during their stay in Vancouver they wanted to have a friend date but he lost her at a mall and took twenty minutes trying to find her until she used the announcement service to call him

he wouldve ask his Vancouver friends to go with them but some of them had a crush on mae so no <3

When she first starting writing songs and her own lyrics she went to Mark first and asked if the lyrics she wrote were good

They were amazing and Mark made sure to tell her that :D

mae’s reaction to his dream graduation was one of the saddest things czennies have seen so when she found out he was coming back she would not let go of him

Literally could not stop smiling whenever mark was with the rest of dream filming for Resonance

It’s just very wholesome and czennies are willing to riot if SM decides to separate them

Maechan

You know how I said Maehyun was the soft and uwu type of siblings? Well Maechan are the bickering type of siblings

You know the ones who like to bicker over minor things but still would protect each other for life

they have so much dirt on each other on trainee days lmao

Haechan to Mae: lmao what a loser

Haechan when someone insults Mae: listen here you little shit

The only person allowed to clown her is him and the rest of NCT

he heard a trainee talk shit about her once and they still can’t look haechan in the eye

he’s only a few months older than her but he uses the “i’m older!” card whenever he can

“i’m older therefore i get to go first” “excuse me sir but you’re only three months older than me” “but im still older”

they fight for the title of the favorite 127 maknae but they both know that can do what they want

Mae is more lenient towards the hyungs during yaja time than haechan is tho so she just vibes whenever they go to scold him when the games over

they do team up a lot so they’re a menace when they do something together

especially in games

their competitive nature plus their brain power together? its over it even started

50% of the time they have to be separated from each other when it comes to choosing teams

the other 50% is someone choosing both of them because they want that easy win

Those two are willing to risk it all even for a bag of chips

#24th member of nct #nct 24th member #nct female oc #nct female addition #nct au #kpop female addition #nct addition #nct dream female addition #nct dream female member #nct 127 female addition #nct 127 female member

157 notes · View notes

scandeniall · 4 years ago

Text

falling in love | atsumu m.

pairing: atsumu x reader

warnings: few curse words. Yk the usual; aged up/post time skip

alternatively; what its like falling and being in love with atsumu

thank u all for the thoughts on the sakusa version. figured i’d give another boy a try and am considering making this a series

Falling in love with Atsumu feels like being on a roller coaster. There are so many ups and downs but you never want to get off. Falling in love with him requires time but once you do its the most amazing thing in the world.

Its meeting at Onigiri Miya after he’s had a long and rough day at practice and you two order the same meal. The order is called off and in a haze of exhaustion he thinks its his grabbing the bag almost immediately bumping into you and dropping the bag. Hes so so tired and so so hungry that he nearly tears up before mumbling a series of expletives, not even processing any of the spew of apologies you shoot at him. Even worse when he finds out it wasn’t even his order he dropped, because so much for a free meal. He’s in shock when you decline him buying you a new one because he “looks ready to drop dead at any moment.” He barely processes the way Osamu comes out both annoyed at the mess and amused at his frozen twin before telling you a replacement was on the house and forcing Atsumu to go nap in the back for a little because driving home.

Its how after that night, he’d started seeing you more and more at the shop, very brief conversations here and there leading up to him asking for your number since “ya seem to come here as much as me.” At some point he found out that its because its your roommate’s favorite spot and picking up dinner is on your way home (not that you've ever mentioned that you’d gotten to enjoy the view of both the cook and his brother.)

Its the friendship you develop with his twin and fit right in with their friends. In some whirlwind of conversation you expressed concern for him (as a stranger) to where his brother said it wasn’t unusual for him to come in, half dead, eat and sleep off some of his exhaustion before heading home. It wasn’t all the time, but often enough. However, accidentally stealing someone else's food was a new one for him. You jokingly called Atsumu sleeping beauty, which was the start of it. The two of you frequently teamed up against the twin, to tease at him and no matter how much Atsumu claimed to hate it and he wishes you two despised each other, he cant hide the smile that tugs at him.

Its the moments like the one when you met where you end up picking him from practice, catching a ride to the gym because he's so so tired and wants nothing more than to stuff his face and sleep for days. Just months into your friendship he’s trusting you with his car, because you seem that dependable. The praises of you being a good friend as his hand lingers against yours after passing the keys over to you. The way he looks slumped against the cars window has something stirring inside of you. You take a picture for blackmail later and to reinforce how much better he is when hes not talking.

Its how he sits on your couch eating all your snacks while he shit talks all the guys that appear on your tinder. Calls some of them jobless losers, and its the frist time he admits that he thinks you're hot. “Yer too hot for that guy”, while swiping left on all of them (even the ones you would’ve gone right for.) The way you retort confirming that he thinks you’re hot has him speechless and stuttering, insisting that he didnt mean it like that, yet can’t explain how he meant it.

The times you bicker and he suddenly becomes the worst friend you have. The time you two had stopped talking for like a month, mad over something you’d forgotten a week later. Yet, all you knew is that you were supposed to be mad. He could “go to hell” and you were “so fucking annoying.” Over the course of your friendship he’d made it a habit of taking things from you; your favorite mug because he still had a drink in it when it was time for him to go. Your fuzzy socks that he’d claimed during a movie night, because your apartment was way too cold. The spare reusable bottle because he forgot his and was already on his way to the gym. You’d resorted to trying to slowly get your stuff through Osamu, but by week 3 he’d grown tired of it. He promised you both a free meal if you came and helped him close up one night, before forcing you two to talk it out. Within five minutes the two of you are laughing.

Your first date had been one by accident of some sorts. You’d been walking around a shopping center at night and he’d caught view of a new ice cream shop. It was his cheat weekend and he suggested stopping. His treat. Some time in between you going home he’d teased that it felt like a date. You both were hit with a oh shit kind of moment because it was true. Throughout the night your hands had brushed several times, and you’d both even let the other use your spoon to taste your different ice cream flavors.

Atsumu’s feelings came relatively easy. He thought you were kind, funny, interesting, and of course attractive. You had a way of leaving him speechless with your quick and witty comeback, and it was refreshing. It’d been something he hadn’t seen much since his high school days with Aran. However he’d denied the feelings for the longest, swearing to himself that he’d never have a crush on you. You were just one of the bros, but better.But, after that first date its like the feelings just flooded out. It’d ended with you hinting that you’d be interested in going on another one, “perhaps a real one this time,” and he just nodded.

There weren’t many dates before the two of you dived into your relationship. Afterall, you’d been friends for over a year and if he’d thought you were annoying he wouldve “been gotten rid of you.” His first act of the two of you becoming a couple, was a cute picture for his new wallpaper. It’d been a hassle to get because with every picture, one of you had a problem. The first time his roots were peaking through too much and he fussed at you for not telling him he needed a touch up. Then the one he liked you were blinking, and hed insisted you looked good anyways (or that he did). He’d recounted a time where he didn’t care about making memories, but it was different now. They made him who he was, and wanted to keep the memories of your growth.

Its the nights before games that he spends with you doing self care (an act he used to pretend like he only did because you wanted to, before just begrudgingly admitting that he liked it too.) You’d gone to look for a specific face mask, before he admitted that he stole it and forgot to bring it back (when really he used it all up and was just waiting for you to buy another one so he could take that one too). When you rolled your eyes at him, he’d just brush it off a promise of returning it before opening his arms for you to return to your cuddle position. You were supposed to be watching a movie, but he’d pulled up old games of his future opponents and kept showing you interesting plays. One hand holding the phone, the other unconsciously rubbing circles onto your back. He asks if you’re paying attention to him and you admit that you aren’t at all and he sighs in over dramatic disappointment before locking the phone and focusing on you.

Its the argument that almost led to your breakup that happened due to a miscommunication. You’d been out with friends, Atsumu already trying and failing to coax you into staying the night with him instead. All it had taken was a picture taken completely out of context for him to feel hurt. He really really liked you (borderline was ready to admit loving you)!and thought you’d at least felt a fraction of the same emotion towards him. That night he hadn’t thought through anything before sending the picture (snapped on who knows who’s phone) to you with a simple ‘I see how it is’. What made it even worse is that you hadn’t seen the picture right away.

It’s how your heart dropped later that night when you were finally ready to head back to his, and your heart ached at how you called him several times only to be sent straight to voicemail. Your attempt at reaching his twin was lucky as he hadn’t even told him about what he thought had happened yet. Another strike of luck when Osamu believed you and ensured that this was a case of his brother acting first and thinking later.

The makeup had been one both of relief and realization that the two of you needed to talk. It’s when you found out that he was in love with you and that he really did love hard. Just like with volleyball, he wasn’t sure what kind of dumb shit he’d be getting into if you weren’t there. Having to sit through the conversation was uncomfortable for him as he was often the one doing the scolding to others. However the difference was that you admitted that you could’ve handled it better as well (something he doesn’t do when he’s complaining about others).

Its the nights where he hits you up at 2am already outside begging you to just take a late night drive with you. He knows you can’t tell him no so he’s offering a smirk pushing the door open as you sleepily make your way in. His eyes soften at how cute you look (he’s definitely known to slip up and talk in a baby voice like this and yes you’ve blackmailed that ass when he annoys you). You tell him that you look like shit at the moment and he agrees before backtracking and still saying you look good.

You end up at some late night drive through arguing about fries because “ya didn’t even wanna come out in the first place” and you both don’t need them. You could just share. The workers in the drive through literally have to tell y’all to hurry up to where he just glared at the faceless menu. You have to end up shouting over him the order that he still ends up complaining about. Even though you end up with the two different orders he eats all yours and every time you try and swat his hand away he exclaims that he bought them.

Those nights you wake up pretty easily because he lowers the windows and turns up his throwbacks playlist pretty loud and sings terribly and just looks so happy. Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney comes on and he loves grabbing your hand at it while singing along. Those moments are a different kind of joy from when he’s playing volleyball. He’s not focused on a win or his team and how to celebrate. He’s living in the moment, happy and carefree and with his favorite person.

a/n: um yeah cant lie I do like the sakusa version better but here we go. another middle of the night ramble.

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu imagine #hq imagines #atsumu x reader #atsumu imagines #hq imagine #haikyuu imagines

125 notes · View notes

grownups-are-the-real-monsters · 6 years ago

Text

Silver Bells

Summary: Richie is sick and tired of being badgered about relationships at his family Christmas parties. And his idiotic cousin always brags about his girlfriend. So when in need of a fake boyfriend to stop the annoyance, Eddie’s name comes out.

Words: 9,774

Ships: Reddie

Stanley Uris lightly dragged his pencil down the side of the worn out pages of his bird book, passing the bushels of color from the photos. A thin feather-light gray line followed in it’s path alongside the faded dark brown framing of the particular page. He grinned, a kind man’s grin, and hoped to himself that once winter ended he would get to see a lot more birds again. The distant chatter of the dinner customer crowd was just as foggy as his table’s paired window. The snow falling down tapped almost silently against it and left a delicate layer of moisture perfect for finger drawn doodles. Surrounding the view was a strand of tiny bulbs of Christmas lights. It was all very warm and welcoming, enhanced by the smell of home cooking. Stan enjoyed his job there and was glad he got it. Working under Mr. and Mrs. Carson, a lovely old couple, was just his favorite.

The only thing was the creepy little old timey paintings they had around the dining areas. A part of him loved them and another part hated them. Their eyes followed him everywhere.

“Stan!” Richie abruptly came from behind the booth and set his cold hands on the very slim opening of Stan’s shirt on to his exposed collarbones with the intent to scare him. But Stan remained still as the dead. It was not in the least bit surprising but it still disappointed Richie to no end. “How did that not get you this time?”

Stan made a small amused huff as Richie came round to slide into the bench across from him, eyes avoiding the painting behind his head. “Can’t be surprised by what you know is coming, Rich.” Was his simple explanation and it made Richie huff for himself, crossing his arms and leaning back on the cushioned seat. He sat still for as long as he could entertain himself, which wasn’t long at all, before he started to hastily remove his layers of warm clothing. Flakes of snow fell off like tiny beads onto the chair and table.

“Here, eat your soup. Still warm.” Stan pushed the tiny meal he brought from the kitchen over to his friend who he knew needed it. Richie gladly took it and started to dunk the little bread rolls into it. “I only have like ten minutes for break so, what’s up?”

Richie slurped his soup from the silver spoon and rolled his lips together in thought. Stan had mastered his mind-blocking of the unfavorable sounds of eating, loud chewing and other classic gross hits. It was a skill that had come with the job and was now just a nice bonus. He smiled to show his friend he was listening.

“I have a problem.” Richie swallowed his mouthful and sat back again like just the sentence had exhausted him. He reached over to play with the end of the scarf he had carelessly thrown on the table.

“I think that much is apparent, Rich.” Stan nodded with a playful little grin and Richie rolled his eyes which lead to his thing about following every one of Stan’s movements with his eyes. He did that from time to time & Stan as well. But where they differed was Stan only really ‘people watched’ those he did not know because he had all his friends movements committed to memory. Richie, however, only really did this with his friends. And he’d make key expressions that lead Stan to believe he was happy with himself for predicting these movements. It was like he needed some kind of reassurance that he knew them as well as he suspected.

Stan partly dabbled in the art of observing and noting his friends habitual patterns. He grinned to himself and shook his head the tiniest bit, his own physical note of happiness. Like Stan noticed, Richie’s nose twitched like he had expected that reaction.

The nose twitching reminded Stan of that show....Bewitched! He figured if any sort of power that character had existed in the real world that it would most surely not be allowed in a restaurant. Especially if the someone who had it was Richie. He could imagine the havoc he’d cause and it made him giggle. “They’ll kick you out for that, y’know.” He mumbled to himself. Richie’s eyebrow quirked but he just waved his hand to forget it. “Never mind that, tell me what’s wrong.”

“A lot of my relatives are coming over for Christmas and everyone of them bugs me about school and relationships sooo...” Richie trailed off and scooted up to the edge of the table with a look of amused dread. “I told my parents I had a boyfriend.”

Stan put on a little smirk. “I know where this is going.”

Richie raised his brow but he continued.

“I’ll do it but only cause I have a swell outfit I’ve been waiting to wear...” Stan trailed off in his special Stan way and rolled his head back on his shoulders with a tiny smirk.

“Oh no. I told them Eddie was my boyfriend. I mean, I thought it’d work cause my parents like him and I thought maybe everyone else would too. Then they’d get off my back a little.” Richie explained, waving with his hands like he was telling a great story. Stan began to laugh again which annoyed his friend but he didn’t seem to care.

“I would have made a great boyfriend, y’know? Better than Eddie.” Stan put on a frown and leaned over to punch his friends arm but Richie remained conflicted. “Truthfully, I don’t know if that was the best idea, Rich.”

From his more upright position, the eyes of one of the paintings locked on him. Stan would scowl or maybe just move if he was alone.

Richie frowned, looking offended. “Why?” He said with a very snippy tone. Stan gave him that look that he absolutely hated. It was the kind of look only Stan could do. It said all he had to say without a lick of speech. It drove Richie nuts because what it said was ‘I know something’.

“Well, because you like him.” Stan said casually, picking up the salt & pepper shakers to perfectly center them in front of the menus.

The only reaction Richie could muster was to scoff a few times and try to stumble his way through a reply. “That is ridiculous. Stan, where did you get that?” He narrowed his eyes because the confusion was loud in the back of his brain. “I don’t like Eddie.” He made sure to put the same tone on the word as his friend.

“Bev and I talk about it all the time.” Stan said in a joking manner but it still pissed Richie off.

“Well fucking stop cause I don’t.” Richie reached over and pinched him. Stan made a small ‘ow’ sound and rolled his eyes.

Stan licked his lips and shrugged, leaning his forearms on the table. “Ok, so I was wrong.” He didn’t seem all that bothered and Richie knew it was because Stan still thought of himself as right. It irked the shit outta him.

“I don’t, Stan.”

“I didn’t say anything-”

“You said it with your eyes.”

“Ok. I said it with my eyes, sorry.” Stan laughed softly. “Anyway, why didn’t you go talk to Eddie about this situation? Considering he is your ‘boyfriend’." Stan stood from the booth with a kind smile and looked down at him.

Richie pouted up at him like a child. “Eddie’s gonna be maaaad.” He frowned. “He'd have to come over and meet everybody and-” Richie put his face in his hands and chuckled himself before pulling his palms down so his skin would pull.

“I think you should give em’ a heads up.” Stan patted his shoulder and laughed. But when Richie made the move to get up from the booth, Stan stopped him with a gentle push as he whipped a towel over his shoulder. “Finish your soup first then go find him. He’s probably at the bike shop with Bill.”

Richie smiled and went for his food again. Stan went the backwards way back to the kitchen to avoid that particular painting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill Denbrough had been many different things in his lifetime so far and a fool was not one of them. Although as he approached the middle of his senior year in high school with his butt planted firmly on a glossy floor and staticky balloons with bright yellow smiling faces as his only company, he realized that everyone was a fool. No exceptions.

He tilted his chin up and felt the thickness of the air from the cloud of dust forming around him. The sneeze he held back gave him the closest thing to a high that he’d had in months. It was kinda nice. The smiley balloons leered above him with a much more mocking energy than he had planned for. Had this been just a couple years ago, he would’ve sworn they were swarming around him. It was deeply upsetting when paired with the cheery winter tunes on the radio. ‘They're really rockin’ around the Christmas tree, huh?’ Bill smiled a cheesy grin back at one because he was alone and did not give a shit. The kind of smile that gave a soft click from the shift of spit and showed off his great teeth. One of the damn smiley things popped. He sneezed.

“Mmmm I didn’t like that.” Bill whispered to himself with a slight grin as he steadied his hand once more on the cherry red bike he was working on. “Not one bit.” He went on meekly but with a spark of amusement. He had to be amused because if he wasn’t he’d be really annoyed.

Bill had worked at Sherwin’s Bike shop for roughly a year working under Mr. Sherwin, a small and outgoing old man. Bill had painted big bubble letters on the windows and wrote fun little sayings on the signs like ‘Sherwin’s Schwinns are sure to win’ for a while. But when the kind old man went and died on him a month ago, he left the store all to some new guy that Bill didn’t very much like. Which was why he was stuck with an early shift that started with being the only one in the store.

But now, he sat cross-legged on the bicycle shop floor some time later with his huge ‘Women want me, fish fear me’ shirt pooling into the lap of his jeans while he got stalked by smiling kids balloons. “All that worrying for nothing, huh? Turned out great, didn’t it?” Bill pursed his lips as he spoke to himself with such a heavy dose of sarcasm it would have annoyed anyone over thirty. And because he was becoming prematurely bitter, it sure did grind his gears too.

Grind his gears. That was a classic Mr. Sherwin expression. Bill hoped to God he wasn’t just going to straight up turn into the old man when he grew up, though he had loved him dearly. But his wardrobe spoke volumes on that idea. ‘Wearing a dead man’s shirt was like bad luck, wasn’t it?’ Bill paused from his work on the bike to think to himself. He sure hoped it wasn’t because he’d had enough of that in his life already.

It was the only damn piece of clothing in the store which made sense considering he had not thought to be prepared for spilling his coffee all over himself like an idiot at work. There had not been any time to go home for a change before he had to open but luckily, his favorite little old timer left this gem behind....’Almost as if he knew Bill would be an idiot.’ He was always one to tease him. The traces of his less prominent stutter that stayed with him was a popular subject to Mr. Sherwin’s comedy line-up. Bill missed him a lot but that did very little for him. People died on him, that was just the way it went.

One of his tools fell from the perch of his toolbox and shocked him enough to choke on his own spit. “F-f-fuck.” He cursed once he got most of his air back and stood, bringing the bike to full stance and laying it on it’s kickstand. And thus began the orchestra of disaster...

Once Bill had a small glass of water, he set it down to go back to his work but had misjudged his placement and it came to a crashing halt on the floor. The bike toppled over just a few feet away onto the tools which created harsh bangs of metal. Bill smacked himself on the forehead and bent to pick up the glass and cut his fingers. Blood trickled down his cupped hand as he rushed to get a towel that wasn’t covered in garbage.

“This is fine. Wonderful even.” Bill spoke in a voice so sickened with sarcasm and wrapped his hand slowly. He took a few moments to breathe in and out. It wasn’t as if he’d be alone much longer. His co-workers would be starting their shifts soon. That took a little weight off his shoulders and allowed him to relax.

Another balloon popped.

And the glass doors abruptly opened. Bill almost jumped into the air but he was soothed as Richie came bopping in with a carefree smile. “Hey Bill have you seen-? Christ! What happened!?”

Richie darted over and Bill was momentarily confused before remembering his cut-up hand. “Oh that...accident.” He tried to wave his hand to dismiss it but ended up flicking blood onto the counter. Richie rolled his eyes and tried to remember some of the medical shit Eddie had told him over the course of their friendship.

Richie attempted to wrap Bill’s hand properly while the other man shifted around the counter looking tired.

“Hey, at least the good stuff in life only requires one hand, huh?” Richie made an obscene gesture and Bill only rolled his eyes with a look of distaste. He awkwardly chuckled and went back to his job. One of the floating yellow bastards began to deflate slowly and descended a ways towards the floor. Bill felt a flare of silly anger from his gut as he followed it with his eyes. The tension was so thick that Richie briefly looked up & over his glasses to check it out, turning to see what was so infuriating to his friend.

“You do know that’s just a balloon, right?” Richie chuckled and Bill let out a small grin.

“Damn t-t-things are annoying the crap outta me.” Bill shook his head and Richie pushed his glasses up.

“Was Eddie around earlier? Kinda have to talk to him.”

“No one comes just to visit me anymore.” Bill mock pouted and took his injured hand back from his friend. “Yeah, E-E-Eddie came in looking for you actually. He meant to catch you before he started work but said he was outta time now. So I’d go looking for him at the theater.” Bill said with a grin. Richie rolled his eyes because, of course.

“I’ll come visit you later, Big Bill. Take care of your hand.” Richie snapped his fingers and made to exit.

“Oh! Before I forget!” Richie piped back up, sliding closer to Bill again. “Where can a guy like me get one of those ‘Women want me, fish fear me’ shirts? Asking for a friend.” He waggled his eyebrows and made a mockingly curious face all his own.

Bill rolled his eyes but had to laugh at the way Richie spoke and moved. ‘That was his real kicker, he thought. Richie just fuckin’ moved and acted so ridiculous that it was truly his powerhouse. Especially considering it came off so natural.’ Bill shook his head a few times and moved to shrug and shove his hands into his pockets.

“S’not funny Bill. My friend really wants to know, ok?” Richie slapped Bill’s arm and broke himself. ‘His true weakness however was laughing before he could fully commit to a joke. Which could sometimes be even fucking funnier....so maybe it wasn’t a weakness’, Bill thought.

They laughed endlessly for what seemed like hours. Every-time they thought the bug was gone, they’d just share a look and succumb to weird versions of their usual laughs. One’s that were more like hissing from being a victim of such restrain or their bodies would just rock in silence because nothing could even come out anymore.

“What’s the matter with you, that wasn’t even funny.” Richie spoke through restrained giggles. Bill shrugged and cradled his hand.

“I dunno. I’ll s-s-see you later, man.” Bill patted him with his good hand and walked with him to the door as he spotted his co-workers beginning to walk in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Richie bopped inside the theater with hesitance. Eddie was a pistol and he was not too excited to hear the whole spiel he would surely have prepared in seconds flat for Richie name dropping him as his ‘boyfriend’.

Upon entry he could easily spot his tiny friend working as the ticket boy though since it was a slow day, Eddie was texting hurriedly under the tiny little booth. He grinned. Eds was not a champion at being subtle. It was by some miracle that he’d yet to be noticed. Just as Richie was starting to walk over, his own phone buzzed.

Eddie: Work is dead. Bring me a Redbull.

Richie held in his giggle and happily skipped on over. “Hey! You shouldn't be texting on the job!” The deep and loud yell was contrary to his bouncy demeanor and wide grin. However, Eddie jumped about a foot in the air and by the look of it, had a mini heart attack.

“Oh fuck you. I thought you were Robert.” Eddie rolled his eyes and smacked Richie hard in the arm. Robert was Eddie’s manager, a nice little old man, who Richie knew well enough just by visiting Eds all the time. That and he personally rejected Richie’s application on three different occasions.

“That was the point.” Richie gave some passers-by the side-eye as they looked up to stare at them. The theater was pretty dead so this was the most excitement they probably had all day. “I’m really good at impressions, huh?” He playfully tapped him.

“It isn’t hard to mock Robert, Rich. Where’s my Redbull?”

Richie rolled his eyes and leaned on the little booth. “I got here ten seconds before you texted me. I’m not a psychic nor The Flash, y’know?”

Eddie frowned but shrugged before they fell into an easy small-talk. “So why did you come visit then?”

Richie grinned again though this time it was a little nervous. “Can’t I just come say hi?” He chuckled and Eddie smirked.

“You come say hi like every time I’m on the clock. But I can always tell when you want something.” Eddie playfully narrowed his eyes and Richie felt his stomach drop a little. He glanced away and let his eyes drag over the red and gold decor of the theater. He felt the familiar bitterness for not being hired himself, he loved this place.

“So here’s the thing-”

“I knew it.” Eddie shook his head with a smile but quickly quieted to let his friend speak. He rolled his lips together, sniffled and rubbed his finger under his nose.

“You know how my family bugs me about how I never date anyone?” Richie asked and Eddie nodded. “Well, everyone’s coming over for this Christmas party in a few days and it’s a whole thing... dinner, activities, and all that jazz.” Richie made jazz hands with a flat expression and Eddie fought back a tiny giggle. “So in order to dodge all those annoying questions...I told my parents that I have a boyfriend.”

“You came out to your parents? That’s great! How did they take it?”

“Great but that’s not the point-” Richie had never doubted his parents would be ok with it. He had a gut feeling that they already knew, probably even before Richie himself did. “I told them I had a boyfriend.”

“But you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Thank you, captain obvious.” Richie rolled his eyes. “That’s the um...-Well I told them that you were my boyfriend..”

Eddie’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth but Richie was already set on a long tangent.

“I only said it because they like you so much, Eds. And I just don’t wanna hear that whole spiel again about relationships and I figured I could get them off my backs by being in one. Plus my mom already had suspicions about me being in a relationship. And when I said your name, she seemed pretty psyched....so yeah.” Richie grinned like a child after they’d done something wrong and rubbed behind his ear.

He recalled the moment he’d told his mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been mindlessly bickering about the yearly Tozier Christmas party while she cleaned the kitchen. The oven cleaner had gone right to his head and made him slightly more irritated than normal. The idea of this tradition was more so a burden to him now than it ever was. Being that once he turned around fifteen, all the questions were about dating and school. And his idiotic cousin who already had a girlfriend.

“Mom?.....Mom?....Mom!?” Richie whined like a child as Maggie Tozier pulled her head out of the oven with a comical grin that looked eerily familiar, Richie dropped his own grin. “Is everyone coming?”

“Yes, Richie. Everyone but your cousin. He’s got plans with his girlfriend, y’know.” She poked his shoulder in a very ‘mom’ like way.

“Oh that’s bull.”

“Richie!” She smacked the back of his head lightly. “Wouldn’t hurt you to just tell me you're dating someone.” She pursed her lips in the same way Stanley Uris did when he ‘knew’ something. He sat up straight with curiosity.

“What do you mean?”

“C’mon, I know you do. You go out all the time with the same excuse. ‘Going to hang-out with Eddie.’ or ‘Gonna go visit Eddie at work’. How many times can you be bothering that boy, realistically? I know that’s a cover-up son. I’m hip with the lingo.” Maggie circle her face with an extended finger and Richie held back a burst of laughter.

Though that had been quite amusing, Richie was momentarily thrown that she’d noticed how much he, quote unquote, bothered Eddie. It wasn’t that much. Of course not.

“You know your aunts and everyone wouldn’t bother you so much if you just admitted to it and brought her over.” She threw her dish towel over her shoulder, neglecting to remember it was covered in the oven cleaner that made Richie lightheaded and irritable.

The more Richie thought about it, his mother was on to something. No more long awkward conversations about setting him up with the local teenagers they knew. He gritted his teeth just thinking about it. He held up his hands in mock surrender and spoke without thinking, which he did a lot.

“You caught me, ma. You’re one...ugh...smart cookie, huh?” He put on some on some old timey voice and bumped her on the arm. She rolled her eyes but actually looked pretty pleased. “I have a boyfriend.”

Richie had spoke before he realized he’d basically just accidentally came out of the closet. He wasn’t too concerned but still....

Maggie just lit up though, her smile was wide and loving. “His name....?”

Richie panicked. “It actually is Eddie! That’s why I hang out with him all the time!” He gestured, very happy with himself.

‘That was smart, good job.’ He patted himself on the back.

That is until he realized the consequences of his words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why don’t you umm...think about it?” Richie suggested, fearing a long rant from the boy. “Keep in mind, it’d sure help me a lot.” He grinned and Eddie chuckled, he felt better. “I’ll come back in like ten minutes.”

Eddie smiled like he was more so amused at the other boy than pleased, at least that’s what Richie thought. He gently patted Eddie’s arm and began to exit just as he saw Robert make his way over.

As he headed to the door, he caught the beginning to their conversation.

“You’ve got some weird friends, Eddie...”

“Do I now?” Eddie’s voice suggested amusement.

“Yeah. I don’t like that Richie kid, but you know that. You should hang more with that um....Bill kid or the Mike one. They’re nice respectable boys.”

“Alright boss.” Eddie laughed.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. Though that old man didn’t like him and rejected his applications, Richie fuckin’ loved Robert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Richie buzzed off for a while, Eddie moved on to cleaning the popcorn machine. His least favorite thing to do in the whole entire world. His thoughts easily drifted to the proposition Richie had given him. And as he cleaned the slimy grease off the counters nearby, he felt his stomach flutter.

He liked Richie. Liked him. He so badly wanted to take this chance while he could because heaven knows he’d never actually say a thing to Richie about his feelings. He’d sooner die.

He had mentioned it to Bill however, ‘well more like Bill found out all on his own because he knows me too well & I’m way to transparent but I digress.’ Eddie frowned deeply. Bill would be pissed if he found out Eddie had agreed to a plan like this. He could hear the whole speech about how this would only hurt his feelings in the long run now. But Eddie was thinking about saying yes. Really how bad could the harm be? Yeah he’d get his feelings hurt but he’d get to spend the day as Richie’s ‘boyfriend’...

Screw Bill. He was going to say yes.

Ten minutes went by astoundingly quick and Richie was easily spotted in the corner of Eddie’s vision just as soon as he started to wipe down the concessions counter. He turned, mouth open to speak but Richie interrupted by sliding a can of Redbull to him. He grinned widely.

“Oh you spoil me, Richie Tozier.” His voice was light and soft and he could almost feel a blush beginning to bloom on his cheeks.

Richie happily leaned over the counter to pinch his cheek. “Anything for my Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie swatted his hand away but missed it just as soon as it was gone. For a few comfortable minutes they were silent and smiley.

Eddie coughed and looked down towards the candy case as if examining the order. “So I’ve thought about it.”

Richie tried not to get his hopes up.

“I’ll do it.” Eddie looked up again, once more wiping his finger nervously under his nose. Richie followed the movement with his eyes and looked as if he knew he Eddie was going to do it. He then lit up with a wide smile, so wide in fact that his cheeks pushed his glasses up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And you said what!?” Bill narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms with all the grace of a middle-aged dad. Eddie gritted his teeth slightly as he responded with a ‘grin’ and twiddled his thumbs.

“I said yes and it’s too late to change it.” He shrugged with a purse of his lips, looking rather smug.

“No it’s not! Tell him I s-s-said no!” Bill spoke in all seriousness even though Eddie giggled like a child at that. “Be serious Eddie. This is only going to hurt you in the long run.”

Eddie pondered that statement for a few seconds and pushed himself off the wall of the bike store. “One day being Richie’s boyfriend is better then nothing, Bill.”

Bill rolled his eyes and tapped lightly at a bike handle. “I can’t believe you agreed to such a d-d-dumb idea.” He spoke as if he was wise beyond his years. Eddie loved and hated that trait, right now he mostly hated it.

“Look. I’m not trying to be the bad guy, Eddie. But once the day is done, you and Richie will be too. W-Where will that leave you? S-s-sad and regretful.” Bill rolled his lips together and felt a pinch in his gut. Eddie’s eyes glazed over with thought again and he could tell he was biting his cheek.

“I’ll be fine and I invite you to call my bluff afterwards if I’m wrong.” Eddie nodded.

Bill sighed, momentarily giving up the subject in fear of causing too much strain. The two of them ended up watching one of those stupid and unsettling yellow balloons slowly deflate to the ground for twenty minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day of the Tozier Christmas Party, Richie woke up supremely early to help his mother around the home. The cleaning, the tidying, the whole ordeal. His father sat at the kitchen counter reading the paper without a care in the world while his lovely & helpful son cleaned under the table.

‘Under the God damn thing. Like seriously? Who was gonna see under the thing? Beside’s maybe Grandma Ruth’s frickin’ dog.’ Richie pouted to himself as he laid under the thing and heard Wentworth Tozier’s soft laughter. Richie decided to give him a little show.

He moved to crawl under but purposefully misjudged his distance and smacked his head against the table. Wentworth burst into laughter, the kind Richie basked in with pride. Playing stupid wasn’t his preferred method to get laughter but it sure was effective in small doses.

“Oh Richie....” His mother’s voice cooed from the other room as if she just knew what happened from the ‘thump’ sound.

“I’m ok, ma. Tip top shape even.” Richie stood up as he called out loudly to his mother, rag hanging out of his pocket as he moved to sit next to his father, still chuckling. “So’s the table. Am I done for the day now?”

Wentworth ruffled his son’s hair. “Sure, sure. But before you go goof off somewhere, is my oh so wonderful son bringing someone to our little party this year?”

Richie slouched and shrugged him off with a playful frown. “Just Eddie, you’ve met him.” He assumed his father did not no of the details yet. Maggie Tozier might be a gossip but right now she was a little preoccupied, he heard her opening and closing drawers to reorganize them now. Plus, she most likely would want Richie to explain it when he was ready.

“Ahh Eddie, yes.” He nodded, not seeing anything weird in that idea. Richie pursed his lips.

“I just wanted to um....” Richie stumbled a little, not quite expecting his nerves to rise as they were. It was a little shocking. He knew 100% that his father wouldn’t care about the gay thing and would love him either way. So was it the Eddie thing he was nervous about? He shouldn’t even care about that cause it wasn’t even a real thing. “Bring someone special, you know?”

“He’s one of your childhood pals, Rich. Sure he’s special.” Wentworth casually spoke as he filled in another word in his crossword puzzle. “That’s why we invite your ‘Uncle’ Dan. He’s been my buddy since I was ten. Did I ever tell you how I met him-?”

“Yeah Dad. Just a little over two hundred times.” Richie wondered if all father’s had trouble recalling what boring stories they’d told at nausea.

“Anyway” Richie paused to think. He really had to sell this to get him to believe Eddie was his boyfriend.

So he took advantage of his nerves to give the best acting performance of his life...’and it wasn’t even that hard!’ His father turned to him, oblivious as ever. “Never-mind it’s stupid.”

Wentworth smiled up at his child and chuckled, swallowing his first tedious sip of the coffee he’d been nursing. "I say a lot of stupid things, I won't mind."

Richie gave him a look a lot of children give their parents. One of begrudging amusement and familiarity. “Well, Eddie and I are dating, dad.” Richie blurted and bit his lip afterward, wondering if that had been too strong.

“You don’t have to tell me that.” He rolled his eyes. “All kids your age are dating, son.” He shrugged and Richie blinked. How had he completely missed the point?

“Each other, dad. We’re dating each other” Richie rolled his eyes. Wentworth grinned.

“Oh. Alrighty then. Better warn him about your aunts, my boy. They’ll be swarming him with questions.” He stood, the chair squeaking, and patted Richie’s back softly.

Richie smiled, no teeth, just a casual joyful grin. “Better warn him about you too, dad. You and mom can be quite the handful, I tell ya.” He laughed and felt instant warmth and relief as he leaned back and his father wrapped his arms around him briefly. “Thanks.” He mumbled into his arm.

His father said nothing else. Just shook his son lightly and kissed the top of his head, a gesture Richie usually hated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything had worked out perfectly. Eddie’s mother was going to be out for the day with a friend but not before she helped him bake some peppermint brownies. To avoid suspicion, Eddie insisted they were for his track team because they were meeting for practice today. She was none the wiser to the fact that Track was not even in season right now.

To sell the point even further, Ben came over early in the morning to help them and to vouch for Eddie’s track story.

“Eddie. You could have said cross country, at least that’s currently in season.” Ben rolled his eyes with a small laugh. Eddie bumped his elbow and shrugged.

“Well, track’s what came out of my mouth so we’re going with it.” He sprinkled some peppermint dust on the brownies. Sonia Kaspbrak was getting her things together before she had to leave. “Besides, I’m not doing cross country again. Just track for me.”

Ben recalled the one year Eddie had done both and all the times he’d complained about running through the ‘fucking disgusting woods, Ben.’ He laughed. “I could guess that.”

“So what exactly am I helping you with now?” Ben asked, playing connect the dots with the candy cane pieces in his mind.

“...The brownies.” Eddie said dumbly, arm hovering over the pan of food. Ben laughed again.

“Yeah, no. I got that dummy. I met what am I helping you cover for?” Ben smacked his arm lightly as Eddie mumbled a small ‘oh’.

“Richie needed a fake boyfriend for a Christmas party to you know, get his family off his back.” Eddie shrugged, casually.

Ben chuckled again. “Sounds like a nightmare.” He joked. Eddie laughed too after what he thought was a pause.

“It’s a way to spend an afternoon alright. At least I’ll get some food and shit.” Eddie dusted his hands of crumbled candy and wiped them down his pant legs. “He’s coming over early, just as soon as my mom leaves to....” He stopped moving his hands to think it over. “actually I don’t know.”

Ben raised his eyebrows with amusement.

The two of them finished up the dessert treat and once Sonia had left, with a bit of a struggle, Ben made his exit too.

Eddie wrapped some tin foil over the pan and placed it on his counter just as a knock came at the door. Just as he swung the door open, a hug black garbage bag thrust into his arms.

“Is your mom here?” Came Richie’s voice, slightly muffled as Eddie’s face was shoved into the bag. He threw the thing onto his carpet and rolled his eyes. Richie stood in his doorway with a wide mischievous smile and a Christmas sweater that was practically glowing from the twinkle.

“No but if she was, your ass would be thrown out on the sidewalk by now. Do you have to make such a scene when you enter a room?” Eddie playfully smacked his cheek and Richie shoved him off, moving towards his bag of treasures.

“The answer is yes, Eddie my boy.” Richie sat on the ground and started to untie his bag. “And look what I have brought for you, my dear boyfriend.” Richie chuckled and Eddie swallowed thickly.

For a panicked moment, Eddie fully agreed with Bill. Just from the use of that word. It hit him in the gut and took with it his breath, he almost reached for his inhaler. However Richie did not miss a beat and was already pulling crap out of the bag to show him.

“You gotta pick one so you can blend in with the Toziers, who dress soooooo very cool.”

The garbage bag was full of Christmas sweaters, each one uglier than the next. Eddie let himself laugh again and took a seat on the carpet with his friend to dig through the pile of mess.

And for a solid twenty minutes, Eddie didn’t have a care in the world. As long as Richie was making him laugh and displaying his lovely sweater collection, he was happy and carefree.

After some fun, Richie and Eddie headed on their way together. The drive was surprisingly quiet, each boy inside their own head. Richie admired the falling snow and hoped that it would stick around to last through Christmas day.

Eddie’s mind was happily pushing out the risks about the day and feeling the slight itch from his borrowed sweater. He was elated from the knowledge that under Richie’s own thin coat, his sweater matched with his. He grinned and twitched his nose. He was pleasantly surprised that he wasn’t feeling that nervous anymore....in fact the only bothersome feeling he was having was that kind of absent feeling? He shook his hands which somehow felt empty as if he forgot something....

“Shit! Oh my god, you’re so stupid.” Eddie smacked his forehead and yelled at himself. Richie just about jumped six feet in the air from the abrupt surprise.

“Hey! What’d I do???” Richie blinked and Eddie turned to him with a look of amusement and annoyance, he gave that look to Richie a lot.

“No, I was talking to myself....I made brownies for your family but I doubt they’ll enjoy them much if they’re still in my kitchen.”

Richie chuckled for a few seconds before realizing they’d have to drive all the way back to Eddie’s house. “Oh crap.” He muttered, fidgeting in the drivers seat like he was going to turn.

Brenda Lee was singing with a voice of jolly as Richie pulled into a gas station to turn them around. “Should actually get some gas here, Rich. You’re gas light’s gonna be on in like two minutes I bet.” Eddie laughed.

Richie frowned. He was a really good driver but if he had one problem, it was forgetting to get gas or just pretending he didn’t need to do it. He did not like having to stop because it was an ‘inconvenience’. It made Eddie laugh because what an actual inconvenience it’d be if the guy ran out of gas in the middle of driving.

As the boy got out of the car, Eddie turned up the radio and felt the vibration of Richie sticking the gas pump in. The radio started out in soft whispers and grew louder in a familiar nostalgic way. Eddie knew just what it was so he lowered his window for his companion. “Listen to what you’re missing, Rich!!”

“...Another year over. And a new one just begun. And so this is Christmas...”

Richie instantly shouted out a loud cry of enjoyment. He finished filling the car up and hurried over to the window with the brightest grin Eddie had ever seen, he scooted back on his seat as if afraid of the sudden closeness. “This is why I hate getting gas. I miss everything good.” He leaned further into the car.

“Then get in and lets’ go.” Eddie said, almost begging him to back up and stop leaning over him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Richie and Eddie made it back to his house and collected the brownies which were just too enticing for Richie not to try on the way back to his house. He ate three out of the huge pan full. Eddie smacked his hand the fourth time he tried to reach for one.

Richie did a great rendition of Elton John’s ‘Step Into Christmas’ where he got louder and louder every line which ended just in time for him to pull into his icy driveway. He turned the car off and made no immediate move to get out, just leaned back and sighed. “We’re still really early so it’s still probably just my parents.”

Eddie nodded.

“You ready for the greatest time of your life, dear?” Richie asked a sweet voice and made Eddie grin and laugh. Richie took that as yes and hopped out of the car in a flash and before Eddie could even think to open his door, Richie opened it for him.

Eddie whistled as he hopped out, careful not to slip though Richie looked ready to help if needed. “Oh how I love when you’re a gentleman.” He batted his eyes in some impression of a love-struck teen. He didn’t really know for sure what he was going for, after all Richie was the impressionist.

Richie almost looked flattered for a second, blinking with a shy grin. But almost instantly after, he rushed to the door while Eddie followed after.

Richie started speaking almost before he even opened the door, “ 'Zat You, Santa Claus?” He questioned sarcastically as he slid inside with a smirk. “Oh no, just your loving son.” He smiled and then gestured for Eddie to follow him.

“Dusting off the ol’ Louis Armstrong impression for the holidays, huh?” Wentworth spoke up from the kitchen counter. His newspaper spilled from his hands and spread over the table. His eyes still glanced over to read a few lines as his mother used the sports section as a placemat for cutting up ribbon. She glanced up and the look on her face was way more excited than Richie had expected and suddenly he was nervous again.

The home was in the process of being decorated, evergreen garland wrapped their banister and bundles of lights nested deeply in the spaces between green and pine cone. Richie was willing to bit his mother had forgot about the annual Christmas sprucing again and borrowed some extra lights from their neighbors. The ol’ time-y 50′s radio that Richie had found at a garage sale was pulled from his room and sat neatly a-top their crappy fireplace. James Taylor was currently wishing them all a merry little Christmas. He smiled.

“Eddie!” Maggie happily strolled over and stood before them.

“I’m here too mom.” Richie said sarcastically and she waved her hand with a matching smirk.

“Hi, Mrs. Tozier, Mr. Tozier.”

Richie could tell Eddie was a little nervous but who wouldn’t be if you had to pretend to be dating someone in front of their parents?

“I made everyone some brownies...there’d be more if your son didn’t eat three on the way over here.” Eddie playfully smacked Richie’s arm and handed over the pan to Maggie, who looked grateful.

“He is his fathers boy.” Maggie threw a look to her husband as she slid the treats carefully before him. He was not really paying attention to her and habitually reached out for a sweet brownie. Maggie slapped his hand and gave Eddie a look that said ‘See!’ and they shared a laugh.

“Hey! What’d I do?” Wentworth questioned, darting his eyes between them.

Richie felt a little odd at the moment. It was a new level of bonding that just occurred between his mother and Eddie. A simple shared joke about the Tozier boys...’Their Tozier boys’....it made his face burn a holly colored red that luckily no one saw.

“I thought you kids might wanna decorate the tree before the family shows up.” Wentworth scooted out of his seat and followed them into the living room area, picking up a smaller ornament box while Richie took a larger to set on the couch.

This was Richie’s favorite activity. God, he loved this time of the year. He started to carefully dig through the boxes for the best ones while Eddie sat down on the couch. “You gonna help me or what, Eddie dear?”

Eddie scoffed, leaning his body over the box. “I dunno....you probably ate enough sugar to do it all yourself in thirty seconds, Rich.” He spoke softly but with his favorite tone...teasing.

Richie rolled his eyes and leaned over the box as well, slightly taller so Eddie tilted his chin up. “You’re such a Grinch these days...” He sighed and lifted a clearly handmade ornament, admiring it in his hand. “I miss the boy in this ornament...he was much more fun back then.”

Eddie furrowed his brows and sat on his knees to get a peek of the ornament however Richie moved it from just under his nose. “Oh come on, what is that?” He scurried off the couch and fought him for it.

Neither boy cared to notice Richie’s parents who were so obviously enjoying the show. Maggie smacked Wentworth’s arm to get him to look and when he did, he held back laughter. “These kids...” She rolled her eyes but let her hand rest over her heart.

“Aha!” Eddie ripped the thing from his friend and got the look he wanted so badly. It was a handmade clay red and green frame with a photo of the two of them when they were no more than eight. Richie wanted to see the look on Eddie’s face so he instinctively rested his chin on Eddie’s shoulder. He’d been doing that lately a lot since Eddie was much shorter than him. “Awwww...” Eddie couldn’t help but smile. “We look so stupid.” He burst into laughter and thrusted the ornament back to his ‘boyfriend.’

“I gotta see this.” Wentworth jumped up and went over to them, Richie gladly handed it over. His dad smiled and shook his head and soon Maggie was over there just the same.

“And who would’ve known those two idiots would grow up to be two idiots in love.” Richie mocked, hand on his chest before looking at Eddie. That’s when he realized the heaviness of his words. Eddie’s eyes were wide and for a half second, panicked. No one in the room seemed to know what to do but for different reasons. Richie allowed his parents to believe the air was tense because they’d simply not said the ‘L’ word just yet while he and Eddie didn’t make eye contact.

“Ummm, ok. Who wants to hang the elf with one arm?” Richie held up the broken ornament with an awkward smile. Eddie chuckled, taking it from him, so everyone knew it was ok again.

They spent twenty minutes hanging shit. There were tons of ornaments Richie didn’t even remember like a vintage looking yellow balloon with a black smiley face. He figured it was one of his dads, he was weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had only took two or three guests arriving for Richie and Eddie to fall into a comfortable routine. Mostly because nothing had really changed. Richie always put his arm around Eddie, Eddie always begged Richie for bites of his food when he was perfectly capable of getting his own, and Richie always played with the end of Eddie’s sleeves.

By the time everyone was all counted for, Richie and Eddie were making their rounds with no problem. Richie could not believe how easy it was. They got told they were the cutest little couple like ten different times. ‘That was strange, huh? Nah, I’m a great actor so...’ Richie got distracted by Eddie looping their arms together.

Eddie was in shock that he played the part so well. Even family members he’d met before found it completely normal for the two of them to be ‘dating now’. It pained him a lot. Even more than he suspected.

The two of them and found a moment to themselves in the corner of the room on an old chair. Richie cradled a Pine candle that he raised to his nose every thirty seconds or so. “So, how weird is it for you?” Richie asked, head tilting to the side.

Eddie frowned. “Very.” ‘painful’. He took the candle to smell it for himself.

Richie deflated at that answer and he wasn’t quite sure why. That had been what he’d expected. He looked up to where his mother was showing everyone some childhood scrapbook and caught a comment.

“I knew it. Mary, I’ll tell you that much. I knew those two were a couple.”

Wentworth rolled his eyes, sipping the most classic dad drink he ever could, eggnog. “No you did not.”

His mother turned with her lips pursed to start bickering about it and Richie did not want to hear anymore. “What about you, Rich?” Eddie handed the candle back over.

Richie took in a nice long breath of it and rolled his lips together. “I mean yeah, but when everyone was trying to get us under the mistletoe I was excited. I’ve just been dying to kiss ya, Eds my love.” He grinned and leaned over to pinch his cheeks and Eddie rolled his eyes, slapping his arm to initiate a play fight.

“Awww look how cute.”

Both boys stopped suddenly as Richie’s aunt Mary stopped in front of them. Their cheeks turned rosy shades of pink.

“Hey Aunt Mary....” They both smiled awkwardly, dropping their hands into their own laps.

“Now. I’ve heard from just about everyone on how cute you two are.” She put her hands on her hips and they nodded out of politeness. “But I would like to know how it started. I mean I’ve known you Eddie since you were about...yay big.” She paused to make sure her measurement was right, her hand hovered low to the ground. “So it must be a cute story. You guys were adorable then too.” She laughed.

‘Crap.’ Of all their preparing, they lacked an actual answer for that. They never did come up with a full story. Richie turned to his friend, who looked equally lost and figured he should take the handle on this since it was all his idea.

“Well, I think I always just knew, you know?” Richie started, hoping he could pull it off. So he tried to remember why everyone truly believed them. “But I’m pretty shit at being serious about things like that so I always just joked with Eddie about it, I’m sure you remember hearing some of that?” He asked her and she nodded, not even caring that he swore just then.

“Anyway, I um....” He scratched behind his ear before awkwardly sliding it over to clasp Eddies for a more convincing look. Eddie didn’t even flinch, in fact, he looked rather interested himself. “It was after this really awesome day we had this past summer. We’d all hung out all day and at some point we were the only two left so I asked Eddie if he wanted to get ice cream. And what was it that we got...?” Richie laughed and looked to Eddie. This was such an unnecessary detail but he was basing this on an actual day they had and for the life of him, he could not remember their order from that day.

“Rocket pops.” Eddie supplied him with what he remembered and shook their hands, for a few seconds they just looked at each other.

“Oh yeah, Rocket pops. So I being an idiot, thought it’d be funny to scare Eddie on my way back from getting mine and so I did and you should’ve seen him.” He started to laugh. “He must’ve been going for a record jump. Eds Kaspbrak gets twenty feet off ground....” He laughed some more before gathering himself for his aunt’s sake.

“And he drops his right? We didn’t have anymore money left either so I felt like the scum of the earth.” He pats their clasped hands with his free one. “So I gave him mine. He didn’t even care about my germs. And I dunno...something about that moment was too perfect. I was still out of breath from the greatest day ever, I think Bruce Springsteen was playing on the loud speaker at the ice cream place and he makes me overly confident like nothing else-” He laughed again “And it was so God damn sunny out....so like the perfect day, right?” He was going on one of his tangents.

Eddie’s hand tightened it’s grip and Richie felt less nervous. “So I just kinda actually realized it for the first time and I knew that I had to say something right then and there or I’d regret it.” He waved his hand and when everyone was still looking, he let it fall. His chest tightened with embarrassment.

“Awwww, you two are the cutest kids.” Aunt Mary said in that adult tone of voice that read like she didn’t believe they’d last very long and she walked away. However, Eddie smacked his arm hard enough to leave a hand-print.

“Ow! What’d I do?” Richie rubbed at it and whined. Eddie shook his head and smiled.

“How did you come up with that?”

Richie felt himself grow even more embarrassed. “Oh well, you know-”

“Richie! come here for a minute!” He heard his mother call and was instantly relieved to escape the moment. He gave Eddie a small smile and squeezed his shoulder in habit as he left the room.

About five minutes later Eddie got bored and walked into the kitchen. He made a terrible mistake when he stopped at the door frame next to Richie where they were now...both under the mistletoe. ‘Crap’

This time, they’d done it themselves but no one seemed to notice a part from them. Richie looked up and back at Eddie, then Eddie did the same.

Both boys remained still and focused on the other. There was something between them in this moment, Eddie was sure. And God he really hoped so. Richie had to be thinking the same thing. Who could say a story like that and not mean it?

Richie twiddled his thumbs as he looked at the smaller boy. That story had just come out of him really. But when he was saying it....boy he really wished that had been what happened. Looking at Eddie right now, he was oh so sure he felt the same way.

‘This is it. He’s gonna say something’ Richie thought.

‘This is it. He’s gonna say something’ Eddie thought.

“Kids come here for a second!”

They both jumped, maybe breaking Eddie’s record from the ice cream shop and felt their chances were blown. Even worse, both felt that maybe they were reading too much into it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He's got to wear his goggles 'cause the snow really bites And he's cruisin' every path with a little surprise-”

“Dad? Did you just say ‘the snow really bites?’ ” Richie asked his father with a laugh. Wentworth nodded. “That’s not right. It’s ‘the snow really flies’, dad.”

Eddie chuckled as he plopped into the seat next to Richie. Richie’s dad pulled back with a shocked expression.

“You’re kidding?”

“No dad. I know that song in and out. No one knows the Beach Boys better than your awesome son.” Richie stuck his thumb to his chest and Wentworth scoffed, getting up and ruffling his sons hair. Richie watched him go and turned to his small friend. “How goes it, my love?” He pinched his arm. Eddie smacked his hand away.

“Don’t do that, asshole.” He reached over and pinched him back. Eddie wanted so badly to start actually talking about how he was feeling like a normal person. But he really couldn’t get it out. Bill was right. This was a bad idea and any pain he was feeling was his own damn fault.

‘Little Saint Nick’ faded into ‘Silver Bells’ and Richie lit up like a Christmas tree. “Come on Eds, my dear. We should probably dance, you know?” He held out his hand and Eddie hesitated before allowing it.

Teasing ‘whoops’ and whistles came from his family members and Eddie hoped he wasn’t blushing. Richie just played along, rolling his eyes and waving his hands at them.

“-Children laughing people passing meeting smile after smile And on every street corner you hear

Silver bells (silver bells) Silver bells (silver bells)”

Richie pulled Eddie closer.

Eddie almost pinched himself.

Both boys took to the dance as any boyfriends would. Laughing, spinning each other and pulling the other close. Eddie was in heaven.

Richie leaned his head down as Eddie came close again, smiling into the shorter boys hair.

“Hey Eds-?” Eddie looked up and their faces were now just inches apart. “I missed the moment last time....but this one’s just as good so...I wanna tell you, I have feelings for you. Like real ones.”

Eddie almost passed out. “You do?”

Richie loosened up on the boy and nodded. “I know it might be weird and I dragged you into this but holy fuck, I didn’t plan on this. I have feelings and I think I always have.”

Eddie jumped up and wrapped his arms around his neck and heard distant whistles again. So he just mumbled into Richie’s neck. “Me too. And I’m so happy you dragged me into this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The losers club was huddled into one small booth at the restaurant where Stan worked. They had just gotten the great news from Richie and Eddie. All that was left to hear was Stan. He came strolling out of the kitchen after his shift ended and slid into what space was left next to Mike.

He caught sight of Richie, who’s arm was around Eddie and he smirked the widest he’d ever had in his life.

“Wow. Seems like another case of I was right and you were wrong, huh Richie?” He crossed his arms. Richie shrugged. “I knew you liked Eddie. Before you even knew.” He stuffed some bread in his mouth as the rest of the losers laughed.

They spent the next twenty minutes having dinner together. Richie pulling Eddie close and the eyes of the ol’ timey paintings followed them all.

#i hope this is ok???#it's been 70 years since my last one #stephen king #Stephen kings IT #IT by stephen king #the losers club #my fanfiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie #reddie fic #stan uris #bill denbrough #ben hanscom

162 notes · View notes

blessethwrites · 6 years ago

Text

stars exploding

(Day 1 of MultiSaku Month)

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing: SasuSaku

Summary: Don't get Sakura wrong, she was happy she and Sasuke were becoming friends, following everything that had happened. Ecstatic even. But hell, did he have to be on her mind all the damn time?

On AO3

Her love for Sasuke had always been one of her defining characteristics, Sakura was starting to realize. Back in the Academy that was the thing everyone knew about her and, to be fair, she hadn’t minded. Then when they were placed on the same team that damn crush continued to be her driving force even as Naruto and Sasuke kept growing and improving, not only as shinobi but also as people; it was somewhere around the Chunin exams that Sakura had decided her feelings were more than an infatuation and had been brave enough to call it love.

It all spiralled from there. And somehow after all those years, after an entire damn war, that same love she held for him remained so deeply ingrained in her very being that she couldn’t imagine ever not loving him.

Except. She let out a heavy sigh once she finished up the last of her paperwork. Now things were different. There was no war anymore, there was no need to run around chasing Sasuke and silly as it might’ve sounded, it felt like the beginning of a new era. And for once, Sakura was happy with where she was. She was enjoying settling into her new life. That was a challenge of its own -- even after a few months, at times she still had trouble remembering it was all over -- but not an unwelcome one. The others, at least, seemed to be struggling with getting used to the newly established life of peace as well, and Sakura thought there was a sense of relief in navigating their new lives together.

She pushed herself up from her desk and stretched in an attempt to work out the kinks in her back. Ino would tell her to stop overthinking everything and just enjoy it; and she’d be right, of course, even though Sakura would never admit that to her face. The thing was, there wasn't a switch she could turn to stop thinking. In fact, thinking was all she’d been doing lately and somehow it all kept coming back to Sasuke. As it always did.

She wondered, not for the first time, why she seemed to be the only one unable to move on. Their former classmates had. Karin had. Ino had. Meanwhile, Sakura was stuck. Or at least, she had been. She still believed she’d always love Sasuke, except lately she was starting to realize that didn’t necessarily mean romantic love. After all, platonic love was just as precious.

So one could say she was slowly coming to terms with the fact that perhaps while she did love him, it was only as a dear friend. A very, very dear friend. And she tried to treat him as such, she reasoned with herself. She'd come to pacing around the room which wasn’t all that spacious to begin with and nodded along to her thoughts. Yes, ever since Sasuke had been released on probation she’d made sure to be friendly while not being too friendly to a point where he might feel uncomfortable. She really wanted to build a relationship with him that wasn’t based on a childish infatuation followed by years of separation. She wanted to get to know the man he’d become and to become someone he could trust in return; she wanted that teammate bond they lacked, the one she’d dismissed as boring when she’d been younger.

And it seemed he wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea. Of course, she hadn’t been so forward as to tell him all of that but she’d made an effort he appeared to recognize. She would even go as far as say he tried to return it in his own way. And she was incredibly happy he did, naturally, but that didn’t mean she was equally happy that he occupied so many of her thoughts.

“Friends, you idiot, friends,” she chastised herself and let out a low groan. She was hopeless, was what she was. She immediately tensed once she heard a snort come from behind her and whirled around, fists ready, only to recognize the chakra signature at the very last moment.

“Um,” she racked her brain for something to say, mind drawing blank. As much as she thought about him, nothing could really compare to the real thing, she realized as she watched Sasuke raise an eyebrow at her. “Hi?”

He let out another snort and shook his head; there was something akin to fondness in his eyes, though Sakura must have imagined that. “Hi,” he returned her greeting dryly and she had to stifle a grin. During the past months, she’d come to find he had a very dry sense of humour; right now he was basically teasing her. “I see you’re busy, should I come back later?”

This time she let the grin spread on her lips and leaned back until she was perched on her desk. It wasn’t as unusual as it would’ve been some time ago, to have Sasuke stop by to visit her at the hospital, but it also wasn’t as if he’d made it into a habit. A happy surprise, Sakura would call it. “Is there something I can do for you or did you just come to tell jokes?”

He seemed amused by her comment but didn’t say anything. He was watching her, eyes calculating, and she had no idea what he was looking for until he finally spoke up. “You haven’t had dinner yet, have you.”

The tone of his voice suggested it was a statement rather than a question and that he knew perfectly well she hadn’t. Sakura threw a glance at the old clock sitting on the desk next to her and then her eyes returned to Sasuke almost defensively; it wasn’t that late. “No,” she said cautiously, hoping to avoid a lecture. Not that Sasuke was the type to give her one, generally, but she’d had enough from both Ino and Naruto to last her a lifetime. She shrugged lightly. “I was going to head home soon anyway.”

He merely hummed, unmoving from where he was leaning on the wall, and Sakura crossed her arms. Her days of trying to decipher his grunts were over; if he wanted to say something he’d have to use actual words. She raised an eyebrow at him, stifling a smile as he snorted, apparently having understood her silent protest. “Come eat with me. I made too much food.”

His wording was a little off but it was still major progress from the closed-off boy he’d used to be, Sakura thought fondly. Then her brain caught up with the fact he’d invited her to have dinner with him and she had to look away, choosing to focus on a few of the manila folders sitting on her right side. As she straightened them out, making sure they were perfectly aligned with both the desk and each other, she cleared her throat. “Um, yeah, sure, that’d be nice.” When she finally glanced back at him there was something in his eyes she couldn’t quite read. “Thank you for offering.”

Sasuke shrugged, shifting his weight slightly, and looked around the room. “You done?”

Sakura bit her lip and it took everything in her not to fidget. She could certainly find something to keep her busy if she looked for it, like a last minute patient or a nurse who needed help; those were always easy to find. And on any other night that was precisely what she would’ve done. But tonight Sasuke was here and he wanted to have dinner with her, and as anxious as the idea made her, she was also looking forward to it. She threw him a small smile and pushed herself away from the desk. “Yeah, all done.”

Sasuke grunted once again, in response to which she reached to poke him in the ribs; no grunting on her watch. He let out an amused huff and Sakura’s smile grew as the two of them headed towards the main entrance. She couldn’t help but think how weird it was that spending time with Sasuke felt so normal. She’d expected there to be a certain awkwardness, all things considered, and while there had been in the beginning, it had all but dissipated by now. Yet another example of how much better their platonic relationship was as opposed to the one-sided crush she’d had, she thought.

When she glanced at Sasuke out of the corner of her eye, she was surprised to find he was already looking at her. “What?”

He didn’t move his gaze for a while and once he finally did, Sakura realized she’d been subconsciously holding her breath. “You get lost in your head a lot,” he said simply without offering any more explanation. He didn’t need to, anyway, she knew exactly what he meant.

“Sorry.” She threw him a sheepish grin and had to resist the urge to rub the back of her neck; she refused to completely turn into Kakashi. The ghost of a smile on Sasuke’s lips told her he knew exactly what she’d been thinking which made her grin widen. “I promise for the rest of the night I’ll be one hundred percent present.”

Sasuke didn’t offer a verbal response, something Sakura was about to tease him for, when she spotted Shizune talking to Kira-san on the front desk. She glanced at them and raised a finger to signal Sasuke she’d be just a moment; then she moved to approach the two women.

“Hey,” she smiled and nodded in greeting before turning to Shizune as the nurse moved to give them some privacy. “Do you need my help with anything? I wanted to check with you before I head out.”

The look Shizune gave her had Sakura raising her hands and hurrying to explain; she didn’t want Shizune thinking she was shrinking her duties or anything of the sort. “My shift ended a few hours ago, but if you need me then of course I’ll stay--”

The woman laughed, hands coming to rest over Sakura’s. “I know, I know. I was just surprised you’re voluntarily leaving, that’s all; I’m pretty sure Naruto-kun had to drag you away last time.”

The memory made Sakura flush as she recalled Naruto insisting she was overworking herself and quite literally carrying her out of the hospital; while she appreciated the concern, it was embarrassing. “Yes, well…” She trailed off and her gaze slid to Sasuke who was patiently waiting for her by the doors. He raised both his eyebrows when he caught her gaze and she shook her head before turning back to Shizune, not quite managing to contain her smile.

“Ah, I get it now.” Shizune’s tone was teasing but the warmth in it was unmistakable and Sakura’s flush became even more apparent.

“It’s not like that, Shizune, don’t tease me,” she laughed it off. “Not you too.” She’d been getting suggestive looks and wry smirks for at least a month now and she wasn’t sure how many more times she could repeat the phrase ‘we’re just friends’. She wasn’t mad, she knew nobody meant anything by it, but she could definitely go without it as well.

Shizune’s smile turned apologetic. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.” She glanced down the hallway behind Sakura and let out a semi-amused breath. “You better get going before there’s an emergency and you end up staying here the whole night.”

Sakura snorted in agreement before saying her goodbyes. Finally, she returned to Sasuke’s side. “Okay, now I’m really all done.”

He held the door open for her, a gesture that would’ve made her past self swoon. If she was being perfectly honest it made her swoon now as well, but she told herself it was only natural. She would’ve enjoyed it regardless of the person.

“Are you inviting Naruto?” she spoke up once they’d started walking. As far as she was aware they were headed towards Sasuke’s new apartment at the centre of the village and while it wasn’t far from the hospital, she didn’t want them to spend the walk in silence.

Her question made him huff as he glanced at her, amused. “I said I made too much food but not that much.”

She shook her head at the familiar teasing but there was also a side of her that grew even more anxious now that he’d more or less confirmed it would just be the two of them. It was fine, though, it really was. Friends had dinner together all the time. It was fine.

“How’s work at the hospital?”

It wasn’t the question itself that surprised her rather than the fact he’d asked it at all. She quickly tried to shake the surprise off, however, and simply shrugged. “Not a lot going on right now, but that’s good news.” She paused, considering. “Of course there’s still a ton of paperwork, but at least I also have some more time to do research. Actually, Hinata’s been letting me have a closer look at the Byakugan and it’s really fascinating.”

She wasn’t about to go into detail about her findings for one because the information was only to be kept inside the Hyuga clan and for another, most people would find it boring even if she could talk about it. In any case, Sasuke was a smart man, she had no doubt he’d understand the secrecy around the Hyugas’ bloodline limit.

He seemed to hesitate for a moment before glancing away, looking anywhere but at her as he spoke. “I don’t mind if you want to research the Sharingan.”

Sakura actually stopped walking for a moment out of sheer shock. The Uchihas were notoriously secretive when it came to their bloodline limit, even moreso than the Hyugas. For Sasuke to say this to her…

“I wasn’t trying to imply--” she started to say once she remembered to keep walking but he simply sighed, cutting her off before she’d had the chance to explain she hadn’t mentioned Hinata in some attempt to rope Sasuke into letting her do the same to him.

“Sakura. What you find will benefit me as well,” was all he said and she could feel her heartbeat slowly return to its normal pace. That made perfect sense; of course he’d want to know more about the Sharingan, especially since he was the last living Uchiha. She was overthinking everything, as usual. Sasuke cleared his throat and although his voice was quiet, Sakura heard him perfectly. “I trust you.”

“Oh.” Even if she’d wanted to, she couldn’t have helped her wide smile. There were a lot of things she could say in return, from Thank you to I trust you too, but she had a feeling Sasuke still wasn’t completely used to being so open with his emotions and she didn’t want to scare him off. Baby steps, she reminded herself. “Okay then. Whenever you’re free you can stop by the hospital and we can get started. Just make sure to let me know beforehand.”

Sasuke gave a sharp nod and after a beat proceeded to surprise her yet again. “Are you free tomorrow?”

She fumbled for a response, letting out a small, unsure chuckle as she did. “Um, sure. Does noon work for you?”

This time the nod was the only answer she received and before he could throw any more curveballs at her, she found they’d reached his apartment. He unlocked the door easily enough -- Sakura would forever be jealous of doors which didn’t need prodding and punching to open, unlike her own -- and led her to the dining room. The apartment wasn’t big but Sakura liked that about it; she had a feeling Sasuke did too. Somehow it had a homey feel to it, despite the scarce decorations. Perhaps it was because there was a bit of Team Seven scattered around every room -- a few of Kakashi’s books were resting on a shelf in the dining room which also served as a living room, the bathroom smelled of kiwi and mango, courtesy of Sakura leaving a spare bottle of shampoo in case she needed to sleep over, and she also knew for a fact that the fridge was well-stocked with instant ramen. In any case, whatever it was, it made her feel at home. She had to imagine Sasuke felt the same way, despite his actual childhood home being on the other side of the village. He’d mentioned to her a few weeks back that it felt more like a graveyard than a home, and her heart had broken for him.

“Here,” he said as he entered the room, placing one plate on the table in front of Sakura and one right across of it, where he took a seat. “It’s omusubi.”

Sakura could see that but she also knew what he really meant; it was basically the equivalent of him asking if it was an acceptable meal. She gave him a small smile. “It looks lovely.” And it really did. She could spot fish flakes and what appeared to be tomatoes, and she found herself thinking this was a very Sasuke-like meal. “Itadakimasu.”

Sasuke echoed her words and the two of them proceeded to eat in silence -- strangely enough, Sakura didn’t feel any of the unease she’d expected. This was technically the first time she and Sasuke dined together, just the two of them, and it was actually a nice change of pace. With Naruto there was always this sense of urgency to their meal, especially seeing how quick he was to finish his food. Sasuke, on the other hand, took his time.

She remembered how he’d be just as fast as Naruto back in their childhood, matching his pace with ease, but she also assumed that had been merely a part of the rivalry the two of them shared. Now things were different. While the rivalry was still there, Sakura liked to think it had taken a turn for the better.

“There’s anmitsu in the fridge,” Sasuke said some time later, eyes not moving from the rice ball he was holding with his chopsticks. His tone was even, as if describing the weather, but Sakura couldn’t help staring. While that was one of her favourite foods, he hated sweets. She knew that because back when she was young and crushing on him, she’d made a point to catalogue all of his likes and dislikes. And sweets definitely fell into the latter category.

It made no sense unless he’d developed a sweet tooth during all those years away from Konoha, a thought that made her unreasonably sad. She knew he’d changed, she wasn’t stupid, but there was something about the idea of not knowing him as well as she used to that unsettled her.

And that was precisely why they were doing the friendship thing, she reminded herself. To get to know each other better. So she hummed in a way she hoped seemed casual enough and swallowed the last of her food before replying. “I didn’t know you liked sweets.”

The amusement was plain in his eyes though the rest of his face remained impassive. “I don’t.”

“Oh.”

Her response, or the lack of thereof, seemed to amuse him even further, but there was also that same flash of fondness she’d thought she’d imagined earlier. He didn’t say anything else as he too finished his meal until at last, he stood up and moved to go to the kitchen. Sakura watched as he disappeared behind the door only to return a few moments later with a small bowl of anmitsu.

“Wait, you also made this?” When he’d mentioned having sweets she’d assumed he’d just bought them. Sasuke grunted in response and she couldn’t even find it in herself to get mad. “Wow. I-- Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me before you’ve made sure it’s edible,” he said dryly but she could see the careful way he was watching her as she tried the dessert.

She didn’t know what she expected but it was good. Everything tasted just as it was supposed to and she smiled. “It’s great, Sasuke, thank you. Not just for dessert but the whole meal. And,” she added with a laugh, “for getting me out of the hospital.”

A snort of amusement and another easy silence fell upon the room. Sakura took the opportunity to get another look around. Sure, she’d been there before with Naruto and Kakashi for team bonding or something of the sort, but now, with nothing else to do, she found her eyes drifting. Not entirely surprising that they landed on a picture, the only one she could see, standing innocently on a small coffee table. Their old genin photo.

It was Naruto who had given it to Sasuke, frame and all, upon his return, but the mere fact he’d kept it and displayed so openly had warmth blooming in Sakura’s chest. They had different teams now and Sai and Yamato were without a doubt part of their little family but even so, the four of them -- herself, Sasuke, Naruto and Kakashi -- had something that felt special.

Sasuke noticed her gaze, naturally, but he didn’t say anything. She had a strong feeling he didn’t like to think about those times, regardless of all the good parts, and she respected that; one thing she’d learnt as a medic was that everyone coped in different ways.

“Once again, thank you for the meal,” she repeated as she set the now empty bowl down on the table, suddenly unsure of what to do with her hands. She ended up clasping them in her lap in order to resist fidgeting. “I guess I better get going now. I have an early shift tomorrow and you can imagine what those are like.” She’d stood up at some point and now had to bite her lip to stop talking; she could feel the words bubbling up under the surface and she didn’t think Sasuke would appreciate her rambling.

“I’ll walk you.”

He was also standing, moving around the table to stand in front of her, and she blinked up at him. “Are you sure?” She didn’t add that she could take care of herself because if after everything they’d been through he still didn’t see that then there wasn’t much else she could do. And besides, she had a feeling he hadn’t offered in some misguided attempt to protect her; Naruto usually walked her home after every little gathering they attended, and when he wasn’t able to, Kakashi did it instead under the excuse he was headed in the same direction as her anyway. Hell, even Sai had walked her on one memorable occasion which nearly ended with him in the hospital.

Thus, she concluded, Sasuke was just being a good friend. Still, she didn’t want him to feel as though he had to simply because other members of their team did.

He looked at her in a way that said plenty; if she had to interpret it as just one sentence, however, it would be something along the lines of Of course I’m sure, I wouldn’t have offered otherwise. Another smile grew on her lips and distinctly she remembered Ino saying something about how she’d been smiling a lot lately.

The walk to her apartment was, unsurprisingly, silent. But Sasuke didn’t seem to be in a hurry, matching her slower pace without complaint, and when she felt the heat of his body by her side, she realized they were walking closer than usual too.

Upon reaching the door, she turned to face him. “Thank you for walking me.”

He was about to respond with another grunt, she could feel it, but when he saw her raised eyebrow, his lips twitched in amusement. “You’re welcome.”

Pleased, she turned back around to face the door and was about to insert the key when her mouth opened without her permission. “Would you like to come inside?” She froze, scrunching her nose at her stupidity, and took a breath before looking over her shoulder at Sasuke who hadn’t moved an inch. “For, uh, tea?”

She watched his face carefully, ready to backtrack the second he showed any sign of annoyance, and promptly stopped breathing when he smiled. It was only a half-smile, granted, but it was the closest to a genuine one she’d seen from him and it was directed at her. It softened all his features and even his dark eyes, which had seemed so emotionless a few years ago, now appeared warm.

“Yes,” was all he said and her heart skipped a beat.

So much for platonic feelings.

#blesseth writes #sasusaku #naruto #multisakumonth #a very very late entry

7 notes · View notes

youraapple · 4 years ago

Text

Imagine having a family member that keeps having different variations of stories about having terminal illness. It's so wrong.

Whom I feel is such a compulsive liar. Constantly bending the truth. Losing tracks of time frames and believes her own lies, that when someone says, just stop with the stories. She becomes defensive and spews derogatory things trying to hurt the other person.

Her and I had a falling out again. It's quite big. It maybe something we never get past.

I think she's a manipulative, compulsive liar. Who's very self centered. So I started to get quite annoyed of her attitude, presence, and demeanor, when she comes over to my house 5-6 times a week! With the stay at home order, and not having any minute or second to myself, it wasn't helping my sanity. Cabin fever is real. I would prepare food for my kids and hers. I love my nephew so I don't mind, but my thoughts are, why doesn't she put some effort to do it sometimes?! You know. Then I would play with all the kids. While she lay in another room on the phone. Like get off your phone and do your motherly duties and don't just come here and unload it unto me! I have enough as it is. Would be nice if she would offer to watch the kids so I can have a breather. Nope, it's me feeding kids, supervising kids, cleaning after kids. I'm going insane. Jealous of their freedom and upset at the unwillingness to help out. I bottle it inside for months! And I finally popped and it wasn't pretty. I've said things like maybe you should love your kid more and be nice and play with him. I've thought maybe if she stayed home and made an effort with her bf and son and have quality time, MAYBE they'd have a chance of being happy together. I told her, I can't keep up with all the different stories. Saying she had a terminal illness is not a joke. Its sick! I blew the hell up. Did it feel Great saying how I felt, yes! Did it feel great making my mom sad? NO! Am I also upset at my mom for never realizing she is the biggest instagater between my siblings and I? Heck yes! She stays with one for awhile, & keep tabs of things she doesn't like & bottles it up inside, then she goes to another one of her kid's house and talks shit about the other ones. And that cycle repeats. She will say all their flaws and wrongs and when we get mad at the other one, she says, "why don't you guys love one another?" She say that we don't speak kind, SHE doesn't speak kind! She never said I love you. Yes, I know typical for Asian fam. But she gave her life to support all of us Eben till now, when we're all in our 30s. Still,I'm just saying, If she doesn't want my sisters and I to fight, then why does she add fuel to the fire? Why doesn't she try to deescslate the situation? Address the ones in wrong in private. Nope, she adds to the rage.. And then goes into I'm disowning you. I don't want to see your face even when I die. Like wow that's intense, you wouldve thought that I said something like go die to my mom to make her that mad, but of course I didn't say that! My sister sure did though. She said that to my mom before & as a full grown, grownup. And my mom still didn't even react like that towards my sister then. BUT, because I can't get along with my sister cause she comes over 5-6 times a week and doesn't help out and lies all the time. CONDEMN me for stirring up the pace! I made a snarky remark that " there's always something with my sister " it was enough for my mom to say she can't stand that we don't get along & she don't want to see me even on her death bed?!!? Like what the actual fuck? Also my mom slammed things saying it's because I don't eat the food she cooks. I eat it many days in a row sometimes I skip a day and eat something else and go back to it. Wtf is going on?! Is that even a sensible reason to get upset about though? Why not just sit me down and say, I'd be happy if you ate more of my food. I'm always supposed to be the bigger person. Stay quiet reserve the peace. Fuck the fucking peace. I blew up and let it all out and now everyone is mad at me?!? Instead of self checking themselves. And I have a mom that doesn't want to see me or talk to me cause I'm annoyed of my siblings. Anyways who would want to have someone over 5-6 times a week? Whether its family or friends?!? Also one That never helps out and is full of shit??!?

And I still say sorry for it all repeatedly ! For my comments that hurt their feelings and stirring up the peace! Not one of them will take accountability for anything or say sorry either. But constantly text "whatever fuck you this and that. What ever about your Lupas" like wow...

Does my sis have an evil heart, sometimes I truly believe so. But when I really sit down and think about it. She can be mean & vindictive person but, Maybe she's just been very hurt, and has become petty because she has gone through a shit ton of things. But still who hasn't? And, the terminal illness lies is way too extreme and way wrong. No excuses. Also it's still not an excuse to treat people shitty.

I'm not perfect. So who am I to judge? Shouldn't I look for the best in people? I should try harder! What if I know when they lie to my face? I should just let it go, because it is their own conscious.! I gotta keep tellin myself that! Everyone is coping in their own way in this pandemic. Some want to be near family, as do I, SOMETIMES. And, sometimes, I want time in solitude even from my kids! Usually I can let's things go. But I just couldn't anymore. I haven't worked in 4 months. I probably won't have a job to go back to. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no time to myself, ever. I sometimes criticize my family because of my ocd and complain a lot. I need to change and stop doing that. Accept that my house will never be tidy lol Complaining is for the weak! Criticizing does not help and definitely doesn't show love. I need to continue to speak kindly even when I'm tired, annoyed, and lied to. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ I need to give more praises and compliments to family and friends. I need to ask them how they are more often. I need to have compassion even through differences. I should probably stop being a helicopter mom. And tell my kids they are smart, they are beautiful, they are loved, they are Capable, & they are enough to brighten my world. Just like my hubbie. Whom has been there for me through all pain, suffering, & heart ache. I put him through hell with my post partum depression. He never gave up on me even when I did many times.

0 notes

krusca · 7 years ago

Text

A Concept:

mcu tony & comics clark kent (aka, the smol squishy human with one of the most powerful superheros of all time)

(as transcribed and revised from my twitter thread. because i need more people to fall into this rairpair hell with me. handwaves the different universe and for the sake of this concept they’re single)

Clark Kent is deeply amused but also very impressed by this small human with a bad heart who sticks himself into a tin can and flies around at mach 5 speeds and keeps challenging him in unspoken races when flying despite knowing he’ll lose every time.

Lets be real, mcu Tony is not a strong young healthy supersoldier or even someone who had the rigorous training lifstyle. He’s got tonys of health problems such as the injured heart, reduced lung capacity, liver problems from drinking, constant stress on his body from flying around in aforementioned tin can. And Tony’s mental state isnt that great either

But that doesn’t stop Tony one bit, and Clark sees everything he loves about humanity in Tony- brave, resilient, generous, stubborn, a bit annoying, and so so heroic.

Clark can literally see tony’s weak heart, the lung capacity, the fake sternum (or arc reactor depends on what you prefer) the negative effects of constant G force on a body, and despite the armor’s protections the metal can’t absorb all the shock and sometimes does more damage than most people would think. His first instinct is to wrap him in blankets and keep him safe.....but he knows a man like Tony Stark would hate the coddling.

Still that doesn't stop Clark from feeling protective, he winces every time Tony takes a hit because he can hear the joints and bones creaking and fracturing.

Meanwhile Tony has mixed feelings towards Superman. From a scientific standpoint, he’s fascinating, even moreso than Thor, stronger than Hulk, but he’s also scared of him, because Clark is someone who can see all of Tony’s weakness and imperfections (the physical ones at least), and when Clark starts taking a more vested interest in him the self conscious fear increases. He catches Clark’s worried glances, a look he interprets as judgement of being not good enough. He builds lead plating into most of his armors, he tries to avoid Clark as much as he can (especially one on one interactions. It doesn’t matter Clark says he doesn’t use his powers unless it’s necessary, Tony feels like Clark’s listening to his heart racing, the tightness in his shoulders, the fear of being seen as a fake a fraud)

Clark thinks Tony’s afraid of him and his powers, it stings a little but its much like Batman, the scientific and genius would have reason to fear him so he’s super gentle around Tony. Tony hates that even more, being treated with kiddie gloves, so he avoids Clark even more. Clark’s confused, wonders if its jealousy, in certain ways he reminds him of Bruce Wayne but this is a whole new level if it is jealousy (and that doesn't quite add up, Tony may talk about his ego but end of day Tony’s not jealous, he’s curious- he marvels in new delights and bigger better shinier things. Clark has no idea its Tony’s crippling self esteem thats the issue)

One day Clark sees Tony doing some extreme remodeling of the workshop & he offers his help. Tony tries waving him away but a section of the wall nearly falls on Tony much to Clarks distress and Tony concedes Clark could be useful with the super speed strength flight and how to handle a hammer being a farmboy and all.

Clark’s never been in Tony’s workshop before, only seem glimpses. Seeing the holograms the half build machines, its all very impressive, different from kryptonian and other alien tech but still brilliant and intriguing like the scifi movies he used to enjoy as a kid. Tony’s cautious and guarded at first, but his workshop is his safe space and his domain so he lets loose bit by bit. Plus Clark is very helpful and replastering the walls in a fraction of a time it wouldve normally taken him.

After tony’s done with all the security upgrades, he’s absorbed in his many projects again and barely notices Clark’s presence at this point. He’s flicking thru 3D holomodels making notes, and Clark doesn’t use his powers on his friends but hey he’s curious and takes a peek at the genius’s brain and he’s instantly blinded and captivated, its like looking at a thousand suns, every neuron firing at top speeds in multiple directions, processing several threads of thoughts at once (and I’m borrowing this aspect from 616 tony) yes Tony’s a genius but he’s also invaluable precisely because no one can multitask at such a high capacity level of genius at once. Clark’ has to look away because Tony’s mind is so bright and burns so hard he’s literally seeing stars in his eyes.

Tony sees him rubbing his eyes and Clark tells him its just dust and Tony’s skeptical can Superman even be affected by little things like dust. Tony hesitantly offers him dinner since Clark was so helpful and Tony’s not a bad host. Clark says yes quickly and really hopes he didn’t sound too overeager, he really wants to get to know Tony better. He always knew Tony was a genius but was always so overtaken by how small Tony was especially compared to the younger healthier heroes. Even Batman’s a genius but in a different way, he’s analytical whereas Tony’s genius is something else entirely, the kind of genius that can create elements, destroy and rebuild worlds, create life but a whole new kind.

Clark realizes how wrong he was, Tony isn’t weak at all, Tony’s mind is his true power and it’s something powerful, fearful, wonderful, breathtaking (clark wonders what it’d be like to have that kind of focus directed at him and gets a bit hot under the collar)

They talk about various things over dinner, and Clark keeps peeking at Tony’s brain, its rude and kind of(?) a violation of privacy but it’s so pretty and Tony’s expressing everything that he’s seeing so yea he keeps looking. They get into topics of parents and he doesn’t need any superpowers to see how tony shutters up, his bright galaxy of a mind dimming at the bad topic. Clark apologizes, Tony brushes it off and moves to another topic, but Clark can see how his mind isn't as vibrant as it was before and it kills him a little, he wants Tony to be joyful and happy not..this. He cleans up dinner, thanks Tony, goes home happy to see Tony’s warmed up to him a lot.

Only after does Clark get home does he realize he may have a bit of a crush on Tony and stares at the ceiling all night. Tony thinks about Clark that night too, while working on Avengers upgrades. Clark’s polite, kind, sassy under that goody two shoes exterior, and a very attentive listener (a little bit too attentive? Clark looked a bit like a man in a desert staring at an oasis) Tony likes attention but that kind of naked adoration directed for hours from several hundred pounds of pure muscle and goodness is a bit overwhelming. He’s cut from the same cloth of Mr. Perfect like Steve but minus the sanctimonious aspect or the weird family ties with his dad so Clarks taken off Tony’s shit list.

Clark hovers again when Tony’s Iron Man, but holds himself back and lets Tony handle things. He sees how tony reacts badly when he tries to step in and help, Tony goes on building sprees and overworks himself, all an effort to show he’s valuable and not a liability while giving Clark the cold shoulder. Clark wonders if it really is just ego but despite appearances Tony’s not that shallow.

One December night Tony gets wasted in his lab and Clark can’t stay away, Tony’s BAC is dangerously high. Tony doesn’t take his presence well, shouts at him to leave, hurls insults and bottles, but Clark just walks forward slowly, approaching Tony like you would a spooked animal, until he’s close enough and asks Tony if he’d like a hug.

Tony’s stunned into silence at this offer, and he slowly leans forward into Clark’s chest. Clark can hear his heartbeat light and fast like a bird, as tony slowly falls apart in Clark’s arms. He’s drunk off his ass and telling Clark everything, his parents death anniversary, his dad who never loved him his mom who he loved so much, and Obie. Clark only happens to hear all of this because of his super hearing. Tony mostly mumbles and slurs his way through and he talks about his pathological fear of failure, not being good enough, and only being good for his usefulness otherwise he may as well be dead.

Clark can’t believe the kind of self loathing tony was hiding, the fact his dad instilled that kind of though into his brilliant son, the loss and betrayal Tony’s faced, he’s Superman and he can’t do a damn thing, cept hold Tony, doesn’t want to say much in fear of saying the wrong thing. He carries Tony to his bed and tucks him in on his side, fetches painkillers and water for when tony wakes. He should leave but he can’t he sits at the edge of the bed and stares at the face of a man drowning in something dark and unseeable, but getting up anyways and changing the world every single day. He’s gone before Tony’s awake, calls his Ma because he doesn’t know how to handle this, tells her about his “friend” (she exposes his big fat crush for him within a minute into the conversation), she gives him advice, and Clark flies back to the tower with groceries.

Tonys awake by the time he crawls out of bed, Clarks in the kitchen cooking breakfast (closer to lunch really) and Tony autopilot drinks the coffee and eats the food laid out in front of him until he semi-realizes what happened last night. things get awkward and Tony’s humiliated and embarrassed and Clark’s a big flustered baby who doesn’t know how to handle this situation either, so Tony pulls a retreat, gets out of his chair, thanks Clark for breakfast and walks out.

Clark is lost, he doesn’t want to lose the closeness he gained but it’s not like they can pretend it never happened. End of the day though he wants Tony to be happy and it doesn’t matter if Clarks part of the equation or not so he wants to let Tony choose.

Meanwhile Tony’s in full panic mode, he broke down in front of SUPERMAN the guy who treats him like he’s fragile, there’s no fixing this and Tony goes into burn all bridges mode, throwing himself into work and avoiding Clark at all costs.

Clark didn’t expect the sever all ties outcome (in retrospect its very tony) and it hurts a lot more than expected. He leaves a video message for Tony and flies off to the moon to pine.

Tony doesn’t touch the video for 3 days until curiosity wins over the part of his brain thats screaming to abort and tells JARVIS to pull it up. It’s Clark talking to Tony, telling him (almost) everything, how much he respect his strength, bravery, generosity, how he never met anyone quite like him in all the galaxies and dimensions he’s been to, and he’d like the privilege of being Tony’s friend again, but if Tony doesn’t want him around he’ll respect that too.

Tony laughs because he’s... astonished (”JARVIS was that for real?” “Yes sir, I believe he was quite sincere” “The most powerful man in the world and he sends me a friendship letter via video”) Of course Clark can hear this and he’s a bit miffed but Tony’s laughing and not maliciously either so it’s ok. Tony says out loud “Hey big guy, I know you can hear me wanna come talk?” Clarks off the moon and in Tony’s lab in minutes, and Tony’s chuckling as he pats moondust off him. Tony tells Clark he’s a narcissistic fuckup and most people don’t stick around for long, but feel free to stay as long as he’d like and Clark’s ready to prove him wrong because Tony is just an amazing individual- Clark may protect humanity but Tony leads it to new heights & he’s humbled that he can be by Tony’s side to see that happen.

so yea, tony stark and clark kent.

#superiron #uhh #clarktony #is this the tag #im on this tiny raft and i am dying #also starting to get ideas of tony learning KRYPTONIAN and i am SWEATING #my posts #krublogs

117 notes · View notes

thespencerxevans-blog · 8 years ago

Photo

Tagging → @knoxallen Mentions of → Spencer Evans & Knox Allen Location → Rooftop, Wednesday February 8, 2017 - 9pm Notes → Spencer asking Knox to meet him to talk. She is saying her peace, giving him back the stuff he gave her during their time together, and saying goodbye.

Spencer couldn't believe she was bringing herself to do this. She knew where her heart was, but then there was a part of her that would always belong to Knox. Atticus asked her of this and she felt it was the best thing to do to keep their relationship from falling apart. She spent the evening gathering a few items that she had kept, sticking them in a box to bring upstairs with her. She knew he would come for nine on the dot, so she went up a little bit earlier to be able to let her body relax before he would show up. She knew that one day they could be friends, but she realized she had feelings to sort out. He had opened old wound she thought was healed. Her hands rested against the edge and she could hear the elevator door open. "You know, I can remember that night like it happened yesterday." She was referring to the night she found Knox's letter.

Knox: walked over to where Spencer was standing and rested a beer in front of her. "Two years." He let out an exhale. "Spence, I don't know how many times I can tell you that I'm sorry for hurting you, but that I was doing it to keep you safe. If you knew my father, you'd understand." He took a sip of his beer.

Spencer didn't think he realized how much damaged it did to her. Or the extent of letting him in. She hated emotions. It was easier to fuck people and bury your emotions than have to deal with them. She was doing good until he showed up. She thought she had moved on. "What you thought was wrong." Her tone sharp. She had to keep this short. "You will listen to what I have to say. I need to say it, get my closure, and let you go." She turned her head to look at him. "That night I went home, I tried to make that stupid coq something, what you made one day. It was when we were eating and talking that I knew I had fallen in love with you. It scared the shit out of me. Took me time to process it, see if it was real." She sighed. "I don't know. All I knew was that I needed to tell you. We made plans that night." Spencer didn't like being in the kitchen. It wasn't really her thing. "I was proud of what I had made. I even put on that little black dress you liked, make up and hair done. Candles lit. Then I waited." She turned her attention back out to the city lights. "I tried calling, and nothing. Text, and nothing." She could feel her heart breaking all over again. "I dumped the food, changed and found myself on the couch. The remote dropped and when I went to grab it, that is when I saw your letter. It fell between the couch and side table." She didn't have to repeat what was in the letter. "I don't think I can ever forgive you for how you left. Everything I told you. I trusted you, and that meant a lot more than loving you."

Knox: was taken aback when she snapped at him. His eyes went wide and he felt frozen in his spot. As it began to get clear what she went through that night, how she'd made such an effort for a special night that he destroyed...he felt horrible. Knox let her finish and let the words hang in the air for a moment. Knox offered her his hand and waited. He gestured to the bench with his head and looked back at her, wanting her to come with him. Finally, once they were seated, he spoke. "Spencer, I had no idea that you were going to create such a special night for us." He held her hand and rubbed the back of it gently. "I've never been in love before, I've never been loved before. I had no idea you felt that way - and to be honest, I don't even know how I felt. I don't know what love feels like....but If it was anything close to what I felt for you, then wow." He reached up and cupped her cheek. "I was a wreck for the next month. I would wake up and smell your hair on the pillow beside me or see you in the shadows of the shitty apartment I was staying in, or hear your voice on the street. And like always, I had just missed my family by the time I got there. I never get attached to anyone because I never know when I'm going to leave. But, for a little while, I did think you could be my new home. Honestly, I didn't think that 6 months would be as important or create such strong feelings between two people. I had no choice, if I wanted to keep on their trail, I had to leave that night...and I still lost them. I followed them here and lost them again." he sighed. "I think I still would have left that night...but it would have been worse...or, I would've left while you slept. I don't know. I'll never know how it could have turned out. Babe, what would you have done if I tried to tell you that I was leaving because I got a tip on where my sisters and mom - who i hadn't seen in 20 years were...and that my abusive father, who very well might want to kill me and anyone I cared about...could be on my tail?" He asked with complete sincerity and open honesty. This was the most vulnerable Knox had ever been with her.

Spencer looked down at his hand before she took it and followed him over to the bench. The cold air didn't bother her, she already felt numb. It was the only thing getting her through this in one piece. She knew she hadn't even got to the last part. "We will never know what could have been." She leaned into his touch, trying not to let it get to her. She listened to what he had to say. She knew how important his family was to him. It hurt her that he couldn't tell her about them. She would have been nothing but supportive. "My dad wanted to meet you." She blurted out. More pieces of that night coming together. Her eyes closed and she took a deep breath. She opened her glossed eyes. "I would have gone with you." She stated bluntly. "I would have had done whatever I could have in my power to help you find your sisters and mom, and get rid of him." She was being honest. "Knox, " his name hung in the air for a moment, letting her eyes drift down to their hands held together. "I need you to let me let you go." She whispered. "I don't know how much longer I can take all of this eating me up on the inside." Her brows furrowed together, and she took her hand back. This was too much for her. "I love Atticus. It took him a lot of work to break me down after what happened between us. I even ran, because all I could think about was it happening again." She looked back up at him. "He came to Denver to fight for me. He found me." Even though she tried her hardest to find Knox. "He asked me to stay away from you." She chewed on the inside of her cheek.

Knox: It killed him that her dad wanted to meet him. His own father beat the shit out of him every chance he could get, and here was someone he'd never met who wanted to meet his little girl's boyfriend. "And that..." He said after her comment about leaving, "is why I had to leave the way I did. You deserve the world. You get to hang out with celebrities and run charity functions and live what can be a glamorous life, but even more than the parties and the money, you worked your ass off to get where you are, Spencer. I would never have let you throw it all away to run off with me. I've lived in 5 different states since I left you - that's no way for someone with a legitimate career to live." He held her face sweetly. "I need you to see that. Some how, fate did bring us to Denver at the same time, but you would've lost your job and the reputation you built up. You'd have ended up a waitress or something, and I couldn't have that on my shoulders. You'd end up resenting me. Baby, you got your fairytale ending. Your prince and your castle." He smiled softly. "I'm just as proud of you now - no, even more so, than when we were together. You were fuckin' scouted from across the country to turn their PR around, and look at you, you did it, you're killing it. You're going to end up owning a PR company or being the director of the department at a major company someday. I wouldve just held you back and fucked it all up. I need you to see that. Please. I left because I didn't want to risk my dad murdering you, or putting you in the hospital and framing me for it. And I didn't want you to throw your life and career away." He had opened his mouth to speak again but the words just came pouring out of her. It stung that Atticus wanted her to stay away from him. "I told you I would never try to get between the two of you, so I'll respect his wishes and keep away." He didn't bring up the fact that if the roles were reveresd, he wouldnt do this to her and tell her to keep away. "He sounds like a great guy, and I want you two to be happy. Honestly, who knows how much longer I'll be here anyway." He kissed her forehead. "For what it's worth...you're the only person I''ve ever opened up to. Then and now. What we had was special, and we'll always have that to be happy about. I've already let you go, you just needed to let yourself let us go. I'll even let you slap me if it'll make you feel better." He offered with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. "I'll keep my distance, but I need you to see why I left, and not just the fact I did. If I didn't have such a fucked up life, I never would have. But, then I also never would have met you either." He stood up. "Do you want to be the one who walks away this time?" He said, hoping it would give her strength and the ability to reclaim the action and the situation. "All I ask for is a goodbye hug. But, I understand if that's a no."

Spencer never understood why her father wanted to meet him. Then there was that part of her that wanted her dad to meet Knox. She seemed to have a thing for guys a lot older than her. "I would have left with you. I would have been able to still do my job." She did believe her resources would have had the found. "I wish you would have been honest with me Knox. We could have found them. I know you wouldn't have wanted me to spend money, but the money means nothing to me." She was used to a certain lifestyle, but it didn't mean anything if she was lonely. That was an ugly thing to wake up to. "If I was a waitress and happy, then I would have been happy with you. No more on the past." The more she thought about it, the more it hurt. Her teeth sank down into her bottom lip and she smiled. It meant a lot that he was proud of her. "Nothing would have happened to me." She did believe that. "I know you wouldn't. He knows how this has messed me up, and I need to get him and I back to where we were." In some ways, the two of them were similar. "I am hoping once things are good. I am done with all these feelings, we could try being friends." It hurt hearing him say he had let her go. When he mentioned walking away, she forgot about the box." One second." She got up and went to grab the box, putting it on the bench. "Everything you have ever given me." Inside was the necklace, the red panda stuffy, dried daisy's from the first bunch of flowers, the little black dress, his black cotton shirt, the letter he had written her, plus a few other small items. Her eyes swelled up and her arms instantly wrapped around his neck when he stood up. "You'll always be important to me." She whispered, letting the hug linger a few moments. She pulled back, placing a kiss to his cheek. "I know we have to keep distance, but if you are in any trouble, call me." She could never turn her back if he was in trouble. Her eyes looked him over and she blinked back the tears. "Goodbye Knox." She turned and opted to take the stairs, disappearing when the door closed behind her.

Knox: slumped down on the bench looking through the box of things. He put the necklace on and made a mental note to donate the rest to charity. He folded up the old worn letter and put it in his pocket. One day, he'd give it to her again, but with a lighter to truly end that heartbreak. He gathered the box and took the elevator to give her space.

#knoxallen #chatzy #let me let you go

1 note · View note

roughentumble · 7 years ago

Text

a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis.

i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--

i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression.

OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.

so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.

something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.

so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies.

cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women.

he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.

he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds.

so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see.

he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day.

ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--

okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i

i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.

and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.

you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!

and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!!

leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.

because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others.

which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!

i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes.

when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”

#long post tag #LIKE. this is simply one example #i still generally go ''nah hes a Dick'' but ive been. more and more. just bein like #''but...................... b- but........ tht poor guy :(''#and im so lost. i feel like im in a wind tunnel of confusion #maybe this is a Healthier way to be and maybe im just Maturing and this happens to be coinciding with like #getting more comfortable w/ saying im trans and acknowledging im A Dude #so idk. but. still. life is weird and bad and i dont understand #maybe im loosing the Female Perspective. maybe in a month i'll be an incel complaining about Femoids #(im joking)

0 notes

unicornninjabitch · 7 years ago

Text

Follower: literally no one asked for a depressing ass life update

Me; …… lol you wild anyways

I hate not being able to ask for help and i hate not being able to stand up for myself. Growing up i was thrown into a lot of fights between my parents and i always felt like i had to pick a side and stick to it and i usually sided with my mom for reasons we dont gotta get into rn so me and my mom have been super close like my whole life. She was all I had for most of my life because i was a kid playing parent since my mom worked a lot and my dad wanted to do whatever he wanted, so imagine little me barely out of elementary school trying to make sure my 5 year old brother is doing homework and the angry 8 year old isnt being a complete asshole to the 5 year old. I never really got to just be a kid cause i was making sure the house wouldnt fall apart under our feet, so now that im being thrown to the wolves as far as growing up goes I don’t think its fair that when i ask for help i get looked down on and belittled and get looked at like im some stupid kid, like, i was never allowed to just be a stupid kid so how come now that im 18 and dont know how to do everything immediately am i suddenly a stupid kid who probably cant make it in the real world? Its bullshit and not fair. Tbh its not just that i cant ask for help with cause growing up i thought asking for help meant weakness and i had to be strong cause i was the oldest and asking for help meant stressing out my mom even more than she was cause she had a hard time putting food on the table by herself.

As for standing up for myself, okay i havent hidden that my mom hasnt been supportive in any way after i came out cause i try to cover it up with humor, but like, she was my best friend for so many years when i had no one else to lean on (and thats a story for another day tbfh) she was like all i had. She was supportive of my writing even when it sucked and when i wanted to be a teacher but its like she did a 180 or some shit. Okay so when i switched to wanting to do psych she was kinda like “okay but make sure a certificate will be transferable or whatever” and one time i said how i THOUGHT about MAYBE doing english as a major cause i love writing and i thought maybe i could start up a publishing company that mostly published books centered around minorities cause that seemed like something id enjoy tbh, but she shitted all over even the thought of majoring in english just like “What job could you possibly get with an english degree?” and her friend, with an english degree, told me an English degree is basically useless and like??yes i understand english isnt the most employable degree but maybe i want more to life than a job, maybe i wanted to do something im passionate about or something (dont get me wrong im really passionate with my current career path but still it was an idea i was really into and wanted to learn more about and i still wanna double major but besides the point) I couldnt even explaing why i was thinking about that major i kinda defulted to head down, shoulders drop, say “yeah maybe you gotta point” and like thats not fair to me i dont think. That was the start of the slippery slope of her becoming more and more unsupportive with everything i do. I didnt apply to that many schools and most the final 2 were Elizabethtown College and University of Bridgeport, Etown was way more expensive and i kinda didnt want to go there tbh but they said i could apply for free so i did. Now for college i did EVERYTHING myself. I looked up colleges, compared prices and scholarships, took notes on all the majors and minors i thought i could want, applied on my own and anything else I did by myself. Looking back i realize i probably shouldve applied to more schools or looked more at the professors or something, but i didnt cause i didnt know to, but she gave me such a hard time with UB. She complained about everything about it until i finally said “fine ill just go to county and then Rutger or something” (which isnt a bad plan and wouldve saved me a shit ton of money but i wanted to get tf away from jersey) Thats when she said fine and said she’d help financially (even though the loans getting transfered to my name after i graduate but okay). So there was kinda a wedge in our relationship but nothing huge we were still pretty close but we just ignored certain subjects like school and shit. Then in the summer she gave me hell for not working like we agreed i wouldnt work during the school year cause i speant so much of junior year wanting to kill myself and was so fucking depressed we, as in the both of us, decieded on that, than in the VERY begining of summer i broke my fucking ankle, so i couldnt really walk anywhere and i dont drive (side note, i hate when driving gets brought up because just sitting behind the wheel gives me so much anxiety, like yes its a good skill to have but i cant drive so please leave me alone i hate myself for it enough) Plus i speant a majority of the summer super depressed and anxiety ridden and kinda scared about a lot of stuff.So it was nice to hear i was lazy and ungrateful when somedays it took everything to get out of bed to feed myself let alone clean up around the house. Also as a certified Millennial™ I cover my self hatred and depression with jokes and memes o the one day i make a joke about it and she said “you dont really hate yourself, you wouldnt know what that feels like” Okay 1. I most definetly hate myself just cause i dont walk around super edgy and emo doesnt mean i stopped critizing my every action, just cause you dont notice me not letting myself eat/eating everything in sight doesnt mean i dont wish i looked like literally anything else. No i hate myself i just cover it up so fuck off.

Then theres coming out (which gets its own paragraph cause its a fucking mess). I came up via a letter that i left in her room and she didnt say anything for maybe a week so i speant a week with my defult being panic attack or “maybe everythings gonna be okay i mean she hasnt really said my name i dont think and maybe everythings okay and youre just freaking out for nothing” but nope we had a talk and if you dont know apperently you have to know right out of the womb that your trans. My moms best friend has a niece whos trans and she was given so much shit from the adults in her life just and still does (this kids literally 14 and they treat the poor girl like such shit its awful) and i was never into sterotypical “boy things”. I didnt like sports other than soccer but only for fun, I was very much the quiet kid who usually had his nose in a book, so i think that mixed with seeing this little girl treated like trash by people we both loved and looked up to (cause my moms best friends family is kinda like a second family to me) i never thought that could ever be me. Later in life i questioned my sexuality and looking at a bunch of terms and things some of them related to me, but i thought no ill put that on the back burner for now just cause maybe im just projecting/thinking about it too much rn. Then even later in life Kate came out to me and we talked and i noticed some similarities in what she said to what i felt, so i looked up terms and definitions and took online quizzes almost all day everyday to figure out what was going on with me. Almost as long as i known Kate shes been my safe person, especially with this just in case I realized no this isnt who i am or whatever, but either way Kate was a huge support and great person to rely on and my fears and other stuff. After more constant quizzes and reading and asking myself if i just wanted to be a *~special snowflake~* and testing waters and shit I decieded yes this is who i am...shit im gonna have to come out. My mom basically said “you arent trans, youre making this up and being ridiculous. Im not calling you that name and i wont call you he/him and that hurt a lot. Like she didnt even say Alexander she said “whatever name you put”. Mind you im absolutely heart broken cause i thought if anyone my mom would be supportive. She offered if Kate ever wanted she could crash with us and she calls her best friends niece the right name, but when it came to me she thought it was fake. Now at this point im trying not to cry out loud and im clenching my jaw so hard it hurt till the next afternoon. I dont know if its just me or what, but it feels like after that shes rubbing it in. It feels like shes using my birth name more and saying she/her and shit. She also acted like i was an idiot like i know that changing my name is a process, but she also said if any of my college stuff had Alexander on it she wouldnt help pay for it which really hurt. I really try to ignore/avoid her just cause it hurts less than figurative slaps to the face its like, *slap* girl, *slap* birthname, *slap* liar, *slap* making it up, *slap* thats not how it works, *slap* youre being disrespectful as hell, *slap* you arent a boy *fucking uppercut*, but i cant always ignore her which leads to tonight.

My cousins had like a little party for their birthday and it was awful for me (in their defense im not out to them but still it makes me super uncomfortable but its not their fault really). We looked at baby pictures so it was a lot of “omg look how pretty you were” and “oh my goodness i love that dress you look so beautiful there” Then my hair, of course got brought up and people were like “oh you know girls are so much prettier with long hair” and “when are you gonna grow it back out like hers?” (cause you know girls HAVE to have long hair *sarcasm*) so i just kinda awkwardly laugh and change the subject. Of course my moms pointing out all the pictures of me in a dress or with long hair or whatever. Then it was super fun picture time!! I hate pictures (that i dont take cause those are under my control and shit) for a lot of reasons. I always feel like i look fat and i notice everything thats “feminine” about my body and we already went over the self hate thing but still i hate pictures and im visibly uncomfortable while theyre happening. Someone says “oh stop youll love them in 20 years” like or ill hate them cause ill remember being so uncomfortable and so ready to walk home and ill remember not being able to forget that my whole family will probably always think im a girl no matter what i do. Then we get on to college. Im the first to go to college and everyone was like where are you going, what are you majoring in blah blah blah. So i answer their questions and be a polite kid. And everytime someone asked when i was leaving my mom jumped on it “3 weeks from today!!” like shit so by the end of the night my binders starting to get uncomfortable, im socially tired, ive been uncomfortable for 20 minutes, and im hating the amount of hugs im getting cause i can feel my boobs more than and shit. So someone said something about me leaving so i was like “you still have like a month” and of course my mom goes “3 weeks!!” so im fucking annoyed by everything and like just ready to go to CT now so im like “we get it your counting down the days i leave” and she got an attitude so i turn to my uncle and say im about to make it 2 weeks and shes like how about 1? So i just shrug and say okay bye like im unfazzed right now. Then we go drop my brother off at our dads and as soon as we pull away shes yelling at me about my “attitude lately” like what??!! Youve ruined so much for me lately im allowed to be angry! You destroyed my confidence about coming out. You made me feel like something was wrong with me. YOU completely destroyed our relationship and maybe i did too, but you know what?! Im completely justified in being uncomfortable around you! When my 14 year old brother (who has been really amazing and apologized for having to call me my birth name which he didnt have to cause he knew im only out to a handful of people but it was still sweet of him) asked how you were about this you said what you said to me which is fucking bullshit!! Youve treated me like shit lately and youll walk in and start nagging/complaining/yelling at me cause you dont know how to handle your angry which ive delt with for so fucking long!! Like when am i allowed to be mad at you?! When am i allowed to say no ive had it with your bullshit?!! But of course i dont know how to actual articulate this without a huge fight going off cause those just trigger a huge anxiety attack and shit and screaming and fighting is something i avoid at almost every cost because its scary to me fo a million and three reasons. Like im so ready to burry my ass in debt just to keep out of this house like i dont want to be anywhere near here. I dont wanna come home ever. I want to stay in CT forever just so i dont have to deal with this shit which i know probably isnt healthy but whatever i dont care anymore she gives me so much shit i dont care.

But i still feel guilty i guess. Ive never been ANGRY at my mom, i rarely fought with her, she was always my rock and i know what certain holidays, mostly Christmas, mean to her, but i dont know if i can bring myself to come home just to be around her so much and fall back into being called my birthname or she/her or whatever. I dont know i feel bad not wanting to come home because the boys moved in with our dad (which i cant do for reasons that dont need to be talked about atm) and i dont want to make her sad cause shes my mom, but i dont want to hurt myself because shes my mom, you know?

I dont care about our relationships, me being trans isnt going away a few years (which she told me we could revisit this in a few years like bitch what??!!) wont mean anything except me, once again, doing everything completely on my fucking own! Ill be alone and it feel like almost like i always be alone, like maybe ill go to CT and still wind up with the Fuck Up™ gene being very present in my life. Idk somedays i just feel like maybe no ones supposed to saty in my life, which i dont want to be true cause rn i have some amazing people in my life and im scared theyll leave too just meant to be abandoned and alone or something. The thing is im a sentimental, touch starved, emotional piece of shit and i really love people being consistent in my life and being left alone is such a huge fear of mine and i feel like some of my friends are already disappearing from my life (which i know happens and is natural especially after school but it still hurts to some degree ig)

So yeah lifes kinda full of bullshit right now and i cant wait to move out and study almost year round to avoid being home as much as possible and theres really no reason to this other than for me to complain about life and shit ig

#personal #tw self hate #tw suicide mention #tw transphobia #tw dysphoria #i think thats it but lmk if you think i should put anything else i dont want anyone being upset #wow that a lot sorry #sorry i had to get some shit off my chest #and i feel bad always complaining to the same people cause i hate ruining their vibe #so heres a shitty life update yall #i think

0 notes