#anyway i gotta go to bed i have to get up at fucking 4:25 am.

[southislandwren]

i was talking to my coworker and we were joking about how much the school farm sucked and i was like yeah lol sometimes i'd be drivign and think like lol what if i just crashed my car right now.... anyway someone tell me if that was too much for my very normal coworker. she thought it was funny though

[rubytuby]

surprise

patrick zweig x fem!reader 

word count: 3.3k (LOL)

warnings: established relationship with patrick because i'm lazy, art is your best friend, mentions of getting drunk but it's college so like to be expected… also allusions to sex haha but um i just love to write a cutesy plot.

note: i am normal about patrick zweig, i feel so normal about him #needthat. jokes, but i am in love with him its so bad, i wish he was real. also please don't be offended by my tashi erasure, still love her, but she didn't exactly fit in here. obv this is not canon bc you're dating patrick in stanford era instead of tashi, anyways, hope you enjoy <3.

FEBRUARY 23 2007, STANFORD

The sun hung low, casting long shadows over the tennis courts as you and Art wrapped up your practice session. Both of you were drenched in sweat, Art slung his tennis bag over his shoulder and jogged over, his face lighting up with a mischievous grin.

“So uh, want to walk back to the dorms together?” he asked, sounding overly eager.

You squinted at him, wiping your forehead with the back of your hand. “Sure, but I need to shower first. You know, make it seem like I haven’t been pushed to my physical limits,” you said, gesturing to your sweaty attire.

Art laughed. “You have a single, why don't you just wait until you get back to your dorm?”

You groaned, shoving your racket into your bag. “That's the problem. The maintenance guy showed up at 7:30 this morning to tell us they’re shutting off the water from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. only on my floor for some urgent plumbing issue.”

“Damn, that sucks. Are they even allowed to do that without giving anyone notice?”

“That's what I asked, but apparently, giving us 30 minutes notice is considered adequate. So, technically, they can,” you replied, rolling your eyes in exasperation. “I’ll be quick, though. Just need to rinse off. If you don’t wanna wait for me to chill, you can walk back to the dorms. I won’t be offended.”

Art shook his head. “I’ve got time, I’ll wait. I’ve gotta call someone anyways,” he said plopping down the bench and pulling out his phone.

“Alright weirdo, if you’re sure,” you said, dropping your tote bag next to him. “I’ll be super quick.” With that, you darted off to the girls' locker room.

As soon as you disappeared, Art pulled out his phone and dialed Patrick’s number. The phone barely rang before Patrick answered, his voice tense with impatience.

“Are you guys on the fucking way yet or am I going to have to wait longer?”

“Hello, sunshine!” Art greeted cheerily. “Your beloved is taking a quick shower. We’ll be there in about 25 to 30 minutes.”

Patrick groaned loudly. “Why didn’t you just tell her to shower in her dorm? I’ll lick the sweat off her if it means not waiting any longer.”

Art grimaced at his best friend’s comment. “The water’s out on her floor. She said she’s literally only rinsing off and changing. Just be patient. I’ll text you when to leave so we can time it perfectly.” A sigh rang out on the other line.

“If this plan doesn’t work and I’ve been hiding from my girlfriend for a couple hours for no reason, I’m going to seriously hurt you,” Patrick grumbled, staring out Art’s dorm window.

“Well she definitely thinks you're in New York visiting your parents,” Art paused, “I just had to talk her down from buying a plane ticket, so I think we’re good.”

“I told her I just got into the city a couple hours ago when I actually got to SFO. She was so upset yesterday when I said it’d be five days until we saw each other. She called me a fucking asshole, so I dont know what to do anymore.” Patrick said as he flopped onto Arts bed.

Art scribbled on his worksheet, humming in response. “Well, at least you know that she definitely misses you.”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure if she misses me or just wants to slap me in the face,” Patrick replied, exasperated.

Just then, Art saw you coming out of the locker room, chatting with one of your friends on the team. “Hopefully not the latter. Anyway she’s out. See you at 15. Don’t be late,” Art said flatly before hanging up, knowing Patrick and his unfortunate untimeliness. 

Art smiled up at you as you approached. “Who was that?” you asked, eyebrows raised.

“Our shared lover,” Art replied with a laugh, haphazardly shoving his worksheet and phone into his bag as he stood up.

“Aww, any exciting updates from Pat? He still stuck with his parents for another five days?” you teased, sticking your tongue out playfully.

“He just got to the city. He mentioned playing on the East River courts and paying someone to hold a spot for him,” Art lied smoothly.

“Sounds about right,” you said, sighing. “Anyway, I was talking to Nathalie over there…” you squinted, linking arms with Art as the two of you started the walk back to your dorm. “She mentioned a frat party happening tonight. Since Patrick’s trapped in New York, I figured why not go?”

“There’s going to be a keg stand, a ton of alcohol, and some shitty DJ or something,” you added, glancing at a group of students touring the campus before turning back to Art.

Art nodded, slightly wincing at the mention of the keg stand. “Wow, sounds like a lot of fun,” he replied sarcastically, earning a nod of agreement from you.

“I was planning on skipping it, but Nathalie really wants me to go. I thought if you came with me, it might actually be fun. Better than wallowing in my room wishing Patrick was here,” you admitted, biting your lip.

"Well, we had fun at that party last Friday, you remember right?" Art asked, smirking.

"Remember is a strong word," you replied, shaking your head with a laugh. "I think I have bits and pieces from that night. I do remember waking up still drunk at noon with my t-shirt on backwards and you snoring next to me in bed. Also like 5 missed calls from Patrick."

Art flashed you a lopsided grin. "Well, your bed's comfy, but I thought I was going to roll off in the middle of the night."

"Well, I stayed in my corner, I was flush against the wall as you were all sprawled out making yourself at home on my bed," you teased, nudging him playfully.

As you approached your dorm building, you noticed Art’s phone buzz. He glanced at it quickly, fumbling to put it away as a smile grew on his face. “What’s with the grin, weirdo?” you asked, narrowing your eyes suspiciously.

“Oh, nothing. Just a funny text,” Art replied too quickly, stuffing his phone back into his pocket.

You rolled your eyes. “You’re terrible at lying, you know that?”

“Who, me? Who said I’m lying, I’m the picture of innocence,” Art said defensively.

You shook your head. “Sure you are. Anyway, I think I’m gonna drop my stuff on the floor, crawl into bed, and maybe take a nap. Maybe we can think about that party, I can call you at 11 so we can pregame.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Art said with a nod. “I’ll walk you to your door.”

You smiled gratefully as the two of you ascended the stairs to your floor. Art talked animatedly about his plans for the weekend while you half-listened, preoccupied with thoughts of collapsing onto your bed and taking a deserved long nap.

"Yeah anyways, I'm thinking of catching up on some studying, this english class is kicking my ass," Art continued, unaware of your drifting attention. "Maybe I’ll go on a run later though. You could join me if you wanted, if you’re up."

"Maybe," you replied absentmindedly, reaching a hand into your tote bag sifting for your keys.

As you reached your door, frustrated with your bag, you dropped your tennis bag and lifted your whole tote up, practically sticking your face in it to find your keys. "I hate these fucking tote bags, I can’t find shit," you grumbled to Art, feeling a tap on your shoulder.

Startled, you turned around with a scowl— until you saw Patrick standing there, a mischievous grin on his face. "Patrick! What the fuck? What are you doing here-” you exclaimed, letting your tote bag fall to the floor and throwing your arms around him in a tight hug.

Patrick laughed, hugging you back just as tightly. "Surprise" he exclaimed, holding you close, smiling at Art over your shoulder.

You pulled back slightly, giving him an incredulous look. "You asshole! Trapped in New York with my parents, my ass!" you shook your head, playfully hitting him on the chest.

Patrick held his chest dramatically and leaned in, kissing your cheek lightly. "All part of the plan," he murmured. “Plus, I had a little help," he added, nodding towards Art, who was standing nearby with a smug expression.

You turned in Patrick's arms to face Art, scoffing in shock. "Art, you were in on this? You’re such a liar," you exclaimed.

Art shrugged. "Hey, I was just hosting him at my dorm while we were at practice. Technically, I didn’t lie—I just omitted a few details," he explained, grinning.

"How could you do this to me? Traitor!" you said dramatically, though a smile tugged at the corner of your lips.

Patrick wrapped his arms tighter around your waist, pulling you closer against him and resting his head on your shoulder. "Come on. You know it was worth it," he said, his tone teasing.

You sighed playfully, shaking your head at the pair of them. "I guess I can forgive you both this time," you conceded.

Patrick’s hand gently brushed through your hair as he settled his head into the curve of your neck. “You know I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me,” he said softly.

As you lingered in Patrick's embrace, you paused. "Wait, where's all your stuff?" you asked, pulling back slightly and turning to look up at him.

Patrick grinned, nodding towards your door. "In your dorm," he replied casually.

“Wow, Breaking and entering," you quipped, crossing your arms squinting at Art.

Art interjected with a laugh, "Actually, perfectly legal entering. You're the one who gave me a spare key."

You shook your head, "That's for emergencies, Art," you retorted, shooting him a mock glare.

Patrick turned you around to face him, his hands resting gently on your shoulders. "Come on, admit it, you're impressed," he teased.

You sighed, "I'm shocked you guys were able to pull this off, honestly," you admitted, shaking your head with amusement. Patrick laughed softly, rubbing your back soothingly.

Reluctantly pulling away from Patrick's arms, you grabbed your tote bag from the floor, turning to face Art and Patrick. "As much as this hallway talk is very exciting, I seriously need to find my keys. I'm exhausted," you declared half-joking.

After a brief search through your bag, you finally located your keys nestled among your belongings. Patrick picked up your tennis bag with a playful grin, indicating his readiness to follow you inside.

"Alright, Art, thank you," Patrick called out over his shoulder as you unlocked the door.

Art waved casually. "Have fun, be safe you two. I'll see you later," he replied as he walked down the hallway.

As the two of you entered your dorm room, you barely had enough time to place your bags on the floor before Patrick closed the gap between you and him and crashed his lips onto yours. His hands pulled you against him as he pressed your back against the door, placing his hands on either side of you almost boxing you in. His kisses were sloppy, teeth colliding as his lips moved against yours, hands desperately roaming your body, as if he couldn't get close enough to you.

You responded eagerly, melting into his embrace, your own hands finding their way into his hair, tugging him closer. His lips moved hungrily against yours, his tongue tracing your lower lip, hands roaming over your back, then up to cradle your face, pushing strands of hair away as he deepened the kiss.

"Patrick," you managed to gasp between kisses, your chest rising and falling with each breath. "I... I need to put my stuff away," you painted, reluctantly pulling back

Patrick leaned back, a mischievous smirk on his face, moving over to lean against your desk. "Sure," he murmured, his gaze lingering on you as you took out some things from your bag. "So, how was practice?" he asked, his voice low, as he looked you up and down.

You scoffed, a hint of satisfaction playing on your lips as you organized. "Heinous. I keep getting paired with this girl on the team who can't return any of my serves," you replied exasperatedly, glancing over at him.

Patrick raised an eyebrow, "maybe you should just go easy on her."

You shook your head, clicking your tongue in frustration. "I've tried to go easy on her, but she can't even play me when I do that. She acts like it's my fault she can't play for shit," you paused to sigh.

Patrick grinned, tracing a hand up and down your arm. "We both know you're too good for stanford women's tennis," he murmured, moving from the desk to stand behind you, his hands coming to rest on your hips and giving them a quick squeeze.

You whipped your head around, rolling your eyes and scoffing at his comment. "Careful," you say firmly.

Patrick put his hands up in mock surrender, his cocky grin never faltering. "Alright, alright. Sorry, my bad," he said. "You're right."

As an unspoken apology, Patrick moved closer, his hands gently moving up to your waist as he leaned in to kiss your neck softly. His lips left a warm trail on your skin, "I missed you," he murmured between kisses, his breath hot against your ear. “So much.”

You tilted your head slightly, allowing him better access, closing your eyes briefly to savor the sensation. "I missed you too," you hummed, your voice softening as you turned to face him fully. Your hands came to rest on his chest. "You know, I wish you would’ve just told me you were coming," you teased, carding your fingers through his hair.

Patrick's playful demeanor softened as he gazed into your eyes, his fingers brushing against your cheek as he pushed a stray lock of hair behind your ear. "Sorry again," he murmured sincerely, his breath mingling with yours. "Do you still love me?" he asked, clearly teasing and testing you.

You couldn't help but smile, your fingers threading through the strands of his hair at the nape of his neck. "I still love you, even with your elaborate lies," you replied, planting a sweet kiss on his lips. "But I have to say I knew something was up. Art was being weirder than normal."

Patrick hummed, his hands gently caressing your sides as he leaned in for another kiss.

"Hey? Are you even listening to me?" you asked, blinking up at him, a playful smirk tugging at your lips.

Patrick paused, his forehead resting against yours as he looked into your eyes. "Sorry, what did you say? I was a little distracted," he said, smiling.

You laughed softly, giving him a light shove. “I said Art was acting weirder than normal. I could tell he was hiding something.”

He shook his head and grinned, suddenly, he scooped you up over his shoulder, eliciting a surprised laugh from you as he carried you to the bed. Playfully flopping you down, his hands on either side of your head as he leaned in to kiss you again, his lips warm and insistent.

"So, what's our plan for tonight?" he asked between kisses, his fingers tracing light patterns on your sides.

You sighed softly, your words catching in your throat as his kisses became more fervent. "Well, there's this party my friend invited me to," you managed to say, struggling to speak coherently. "But last time I went out with Art, it was a shit show," you paused, trying to focus as his lips trailed down your collarbone, "but you're here, so we can do… whatever you want," you finally managed to say, your voice breathless with desire.

"Can we?" Patrick teased, his tone dripping with innuendo, his kisses becoming more urgent and needy.

You sighed deeply, rolling your eyes. "You know, you're impossible," you muttered, shaking your head. "But yes, we can."

Patrick grinned triumphantly, his hands roaming over your body as he leaned in to kiss you again, his hunger for you evident in every touch and movement. "Good," he murmured against your lips. "I think I just want you to be myself tonight."

"Freaky," you quipped, biting your tongue to hide a laugh.

With a self-assured grin, Patrick swiftly removed his T-shirt, revealing his lean and tan body. His gaze never left yours as he leaned back in, his lips finding yours with intensity. Your fingers traced lightly over his chest as you meshed together, and through kisses, you opened your eyes for a moment, gaze fixed on the freckles dotting his nose and cheeks.

"You've got more freckles," you observed with a playful smile, pulling back slightly, teasingly tracing each tiny mark with your fingertip.

Patrick grinned warmly, his eyes crinkling as he removed his lips from yours pulling you into a tight hug. "You're so cute," he murmured, squeezing you against him. His hands gently moved up to cup your face, his thumbs brushing against your cheeks as he pulled you closer, lips looking for another kiss with a soft sigh of contentment slipping out. His gaze, filled with adoration and longing, locked onto yours, silently expressing his deep affection.

"Fuck, you're so pretty," he whispered, his voice low and filled with awe. You locked eyes with him, your own expression softening as you smiled, your fingers tracing the curve of his jaw.

Without breaking eye contact, Patrick's hands moved to the hem of your T-shirt, his touch almost insistent. He lifted the fabric, exposing your skin to the cool air and his heated gaze, with the T-shirt slipped over your head and thrown to the floor, forgotten. His gaze traveled downward, taking in the sight of you, bare-chested in front of him, a cheeky grin began to spread across his face. 

You rolled your eyes, whacking his arm. "Are you 13?" you teased.

Patrick laughed, unfazed as his hands and mouth roamed your newly exposed skin, his lips moving back to your collarbone, placing soft kisses along its length. Your remaining clothes were shed in a flurry, falling to the floor as you both moved with urgency desperately reconnecting.

Finally, as your kisses slowed and the two of you were breathing somewhat heavily, you rolled onto him, resting your head on his chest. His arms wrapped around you instinctively, pulling you close, with the steady rhythm of his heartbeat beneath your ear.

"I love you," Patrick murmured softly, placing a lovingly sweet kiss onto your forehead.

You met his gaze with a soft smile. "Is that just because we had incredible reunion sex?" you teased lightly, a playful challenge in your voice. "Or do you love me all the time?"

Patrick laughed, his fingers moving up and down on your back. "Only for the sex, it's usually worth the plane ticket," he teased back, with a smile. "Just kidding. I love you all the time," he replied earnestly, as a grin started forming on his face.

Leaning up from his chest, you pressed a sloppy kiss against his mouth, your hands tangling into his hair as you felt the corners of his lips curve into a smile against yours. "I knew it," you murmured against his lips, a hint of amusement in your voice.

"Say it back," Patrick urged with a playful grin, attempting to deepen the kiss, but you playfully pulled away before he could capture your lips again.

Rolling your eyes theatrically, you feigned annoyance, though your smile betrayed your true feelings. "Fine," you replied, leaning in to kiss him once more. "I love you too, freak."

[shot-by-cupid]

I was literally thinking about that same thing with what decade the movie was set in. Like it's a likely chance that it is in the modern day 20s (which if that is the case then with him and Luigi's age being around 24-25, they would have been born in the late 90s) and that the console and TV were probably hand-me-downs from his childhood that were well taken care of. At earliest it could be late 00s (because of Luigi's smart phone, but then again it could just be an old phone he's had for years), even then Mario is still considered an oldies fan if that is the case! :D

My face when I’m RIGHT my face when I was RIGHT I have never been wrong about a single thing in my entire life and I never will be I am on another level

Real talk as I was typing this thought out n I was sitting on the edge of my bed, 11:30 at night I was thinking ‘nobody gives a fuck you sound like a crazy person nobody cares’ so waking up and having this in my inbox I feel very. Vindicated. I feel very triumphant

Anyway. Enough of that. I’d like to think it PROBABLY takes place modern day? Like I said it seems like all technology that isn’t the bros is relatively modern and there’s seems to just be. A bit outdated. And they seem like 90s kids idk. I’m getting the vibes.

And. I’ll be so real a lot of that post was just me. Snooping around their room. I have rewatched this movie like. 50 times and I am constantly picking apart scenes the fucking. Autism monster got me. And I feel like a persons room tells you a lot about them and I need to know everything I can about Mario and it’s idk it’s fun to be able to point to the tennis racket in his room and be like ‘he probably enjoys tennis. He probably played in highschool, yap yap yap’

A lot of it was just straight up projection. I am him he is me I’m just like him fr. I see a lot of myself in this guy so when I say stuff like ‘him playing video games when he’s upset is probably a coping mechanism’ I am speaking from experience !!!!! I also have an affinity for older technology, especially old consoles- which is part of the reason I made that post in the first place. His set up in the movie is eerily similar to mine with the old blocky TV. Only difference is I have a Wii hooked up to mine lmao.

Anyway thank you for AFFIRMING me. I appreciate this boss. Enough yapping it’s 4 am I gotta go back to sleep

[irritablepoe]

i saw ur post abt ur meds and i’m having the same trouble, so i hope i don't intrude (but if i do just tell me, i’m going to be alright w it ) but a little ‘hack’ i do is i set myself up to be like oh it's there might just take it anyway

by observing my ‘switch of places during the day’ which is just, bed, desk, water dispenser 😭 but what i do is,,,place the meds where i usually am close to the time where i need to take them!! ex.

i go to my desk @ 4am bc whatever entity thought it would be fucking funny to make me wake up in cold sweat @ 4 am nearly everyday, and i go straight to my desk to distract myself so i often place my meds the night before near my pen tablet or notebook so it's visible easily, and i get the welp it's there gotta yake it ig,,,

i go back to nap and catch a lil more sleep at around 6am and reach for my vape under my pillow to lull me so i put it next to the vape under my pillow and the might as well take it strikes again

i snack a lot towards the evening and have to take melatonin so i put it on top of my chips/cookie packet so when i reach for the snack it's there again!!

it doesn't always work but a lot of times it does so i just count on that hshshs

ALSO carry a water bottle / tumbler w u, or any drink pleasant to u (which i prefer more bc i will take my meds just to get another sip), so that u dont have to get water from a tap or dispenser each time to drink so there's less hindrances bc the tiniest hindrance also puts me off ad annoys me and i end up just ignoring the meds hshwhshhsha

PLS DONT BE OBLIGATED TO LIKE, TRY IM ONLY SHARINGSHHWHS bc it has helped me a lot of times!! it does take some preparation the night before but i jus think of it as scattering traps for myself HSUSHWHWH

ily!! be nice to urself!! <33333

hi hello, sorry this took so long to answer, i was out yesterday dfhskdhfhsd

i'm sorry you're having the same problem but i hope you can manage <3

the thing is with my meds that one of them i have to take when i haven't eaten yet (and i can't eat for half an hour) and the other one i have to eat afterwards to get it out of my mouth basically, so it's basically ideally this: med 1 (and med 3, but med 3 is allergy pills, that's not as important when i take it most of the time) -> half an hour of waiting -> med 2 -> eat. but i always eat after med 1 and it's sooo annoying when i realise oh shit i have to eat another thing now to take med 2 bc i have not gotten used to it yet hffhskjfhshd

i also had an organizer for meds but i'm too lazy to fill it up AND they changed the package of my important meds so it's less on one template (?) basically which makes it every 14 days instead of 25 days to refill it at my nightstand, which is also sometimes forget.

but yeah it's also the placement that is the problem and i actually put med 2 more in front of me now so i don't forget thank youu so much for being concerned about me and thank you for the idea <333 ily too and be kind to yourself today as well :3

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

The BNHA Group Chat Fic Nobody Asked For

Pairings: Todoroki Touya (Dabi)/Mr/ Compress (Sako Atsuhiro), Shimura Tenko (Shigaraki Tomura)/Chisaki Kai (Overhaul)/Kurono Hari (Chrono), Yamada Hizashi (Present Mic)/Aizawa Shouta (Eraserhead)/Shirakumo Oboro (Loud Cloud), Fukukado Emi (Ms. Joke)/Kayama Nemuri (Midnight)

Word Count: 1,088 Words

Summary: Todo-siblings, teacher shenanigans, the 1-A twins accidentally freeze out the fifth floor, and Kirishima is best boy.

Warnings: Cursing, Sleep Deprivation, Insomnia, Abuse Mention, Mensuration/Period Mentions, Caps, Food Mention, Half Blind Character, Deaf Characters, Anxiety Mention, Mostly Mute Character (due to a different medical issue), Selectively Mute Character, let me know if I should add anything else.

Note: Natsuo and Fuyumi's chat names are based on quirk headcanons I have for them. Natsuo's is because I headcanon him to have a quirk where he can manipulate and generate water like Shoto can with his ice and Fuyumi's because I headcanon her to have a thermal manipulation quirk. Touya's is 'wine' because white and red wine and his hair is red and white.

Usernames: We Are Number One™ Aizawa: Dadzawa, Aoyama: immafiringmahlaser, Ashido: princessbubblegumknockoff, Asui: Galvan, Iida: Emergency Exit, Uraraka: 9.8, Ojiro: tailfloof, Kaminari: Pichu, Kirishima: baby shark, Koda: youredoingamazingsweetie, Sato: GuyFieriIsGod, Shoji: Cthulhu, Jirou: Jack Skellington, Sero: Spider-Man, Tokoyami: EdgarAllanCrows, Todoroki: WHERE?, Hagakure: cena, Bakugo: WHAT?, Midoriya: SmolMight, Mineta: Mineta, Shinsou: exhausted, Yaoyorozu: TheGreatCreator, Kurono: stopwatch, Chisaki: donthugmeimscared, Yukimura: choticgaydisaster, Bubaigawara: shadowclonejutsu, Shimura: idontfeelsogood, Awase: illrememberyouallintherapy, Kaibara: IDOWHATIWANT, Kamakiri: scyther, Kuroiro: itsmeyaboy, Kendo: Akimichi, Kodai: deadinside, Komori: shroomgurl, Shiozaki: wElCoMeToBiBlEsTuDiEs, Shishida: furry, Shoda: cryptid, Tsunotori: mylittlepony, Tsubaraba: airbender, Tetsutetsu: Iron Man, Tokage: t-rex costume, Fukidashi: glorifiedtextbubble, Honenuki: Eren Jaeger/spookyscaryskeletons, Bondo: Slimer, Monoma: HopeSummers, Yanagi: iLiEdImDyInGiNsIdE, Rin: snek, Toga: mystique, Sako: lostmymarbles, Hikiishi: queenofmagnetism, Iguchi: eye gucci, Shinokanri: stardust

Usernames: Emos Anonymous Kaminari: blackcloakedbrides, Shoji: fryingpan, Jirou: greentwentyfourhours, Tokoyami: myscientificinfatuation, Todoroki: twentyoneplotpoints, Bakugo: immobileinwhite, Midoriya: falldownboy, Shinsou: stabtheveil, Kurono: inhalecarolina, Chisaki: plummetingininverse, Yukimura: anxietyintheclub, Shimura: nappingwithsirens, Kuroiro: thousandfootcane, Kodai: marianaspit, Monoma: entiretimelow, Yanagi: recentyearsday, Sako: halfminutetomars, Aizawa: hollywoodlivingdead, Shouji: fryingpan, Kurono: inhalecarolina, Aoyama: phantomtown, Honenuki: visualizedragon, Sako: halfminutetomars, Awase: distressparade, Shinokanri: simplestrategy

Usernames: UA Teachers Are Tired™ Eraserhead/Aizawa: grumpy scarf cat, Present Mic/Yamada: screeching cockatiel, Midnight/Nemuri: chaotic goth gay Ingenium/Iida: gotta go fast, AllMight/Toshinori: actual sunshine, Vlad King/Kan: bloody hell, Power Loader/Majima: speechtotext, Ectoplasm: needalegup?, Snipe: kazoo cowboy, Cementoss: concrete block, Blackmist/Kurogiri: goth portals

We Love A Good, Caring Dadzawa In This House-Chapter 3

11:38 PM

UA Teachers Are Tired™

chaotic goth gay: so anygay we ever gonna talk bout the fact that the twins in 1a plan to take a week home?

kazoo cowboy: no??? it's their personal life????

needalegup?: I say we leave the boys alone.

screeching cockatiel: they don't like being referred to at 'the twins' Nemuri. They're separate beings.

chaotic goth gay: okay, the two canadian flags of Shouta's 25 nearly adopted children.

grumpy scarf cat: you're right but why say it?

bloody hell: I thought his class was 26 students now like mine? who tf you forgetting Nemuri?

chaotic goth gay: no one I be leaving out that little grapist tho. hate him and so does Shouta

screeching cockatiel: OwO oh worm?

grumpy scarf cat: never again Hizashi. never again.

screeching cockatiel: OvO

grumpy scarf cat: i hate you.

screeching cockatiel: love you too babe uwu

grumpy scarf cat: well,

grumpy scarf cat: i'm gonna go yeet myself off the roof for that one.

screeching cockatiel: Nuuuuuuu, how will me Hitoshi and Ayane ever survive without you!?

grumpy scarf cat: tru tru

grumpy scarf cat: I'll take Hitoshi with me.

screeching cockatiel: you wouldn't dare!

grumpy scarf cat: again tru tru

2:24 AM

UA Teachers Are Tired™

grumpy scarf cat: yeet yeet bitch he finally asleep [pic of Hitoshi asleep against Aizawa's side with Ayane asleep between them]

chaotic goth gay: that's perfect.

chaotic goth gay has changed their name to yeet yeet bitch

yeet yeet bitch: thank boi me sleep now

yeet yeet bitch is offline

4:14 AM

We Are Number One™

WHERE?: so anyway I'm ready to yeet our dad into the sun but that's too good for him

chaoticdisastergay: oh worm???? same hat??? could stand to snow his eyes out first tho

immafirinmahlaser: why y'all puttin ur father on blast in the main chat?

WHERE?: wait, where? oh fuck wrong one Touya, wrong one! mayday mayday

SmolMight: I was summoned my the word mayday what happened

SmolMight: oh

SmolMight: well then

lostmymarbles: Dear? Please lay down? I was comfortable?

chaoticdisastergay: well, speaking of tmi, I thought it was just a bathroom run but turns out my monthly came a week early, Atsu. I'm coming back.

WHERE?: that was a long time in the bathroom but okay.

lostmymarbles: Yeah, almost an hour. I'm lonely, the bed feels cold without you, snowdrop!

chaoticdisastergay: I had to shower over in the 1a dorms too, calm down.

lostmymarbles: Kay, come back to bed, I wanna cuddle.

SmolMight: Such precious. Most pure. We have been blessed with witnessing this couple be cute.

WHERE?: so anNYway, Touya, you goin back to the family chat?

chaoticgaydisaster: yee

4:30 AM

Trauma? Yeet. Memes? Yoink.

vulpix: anygay. still wanna yeet our dad into the sun but it'd still be too good for him.

lapis: I??? feel that????? wtf???????

thermostat: oh? a mood? in this good household?

wine: i really just want to go back to sleep but the brain machine broke i'm woke

vulpix: oh worm?

thermostat: anyway gotta actually get outta bed soon, drop off your girls at daycare, get mine to school, and go to work.

lapis: fine, gonna go with ya

thermostat: mhmmmm sure you are, you're gonna fall asleep in 20 minutes Natsuo.

lapis: that may be but i'll at least try

thermostat: doubt

thermostat is offline

8:24 AM

We Are Number One™

cena: so anyway tea apparently shoto and touya are going home all next week

princessbubblegumknockoff: oh? drama?

WHERE?: family visit no drama

chaoticgaydisaster: just visiting our family

SmolMight: so anygay Aizawa told us we have someone special visiting a1 today for class!

Spider-Man: I wonder who it is!

Dadzawa: toshi cmon I gotta get to class and drop you off like a gay goth god of insomniac children

exhausted: hol up im eating still

exhausted is offline

Dadzawa is offline

cena: well, no answers from them i guess

Emergency Exit: Everyone, please get off your phones in class!

9:37 AM

We Are Number One™

itsmeyaboy: so who was it that came to your class?

TheGreatCreator: The Big Three of UA

itsmeyaboy: huh. we had Hawks, Ryukyu, and Mirko

Iron Man: The Three Greats of UA

HopeSummers: We win.

SmolMight: Meh, we both got good people to teach us.

HopeSummers: Valid, carry on.

2:28 PM

UA Teachers Are Tired™

gotta go fast: so anyway, am i ever gonna get told why there's someone named speechtotext in this chatroom and who all they are?

kazoo cowboy: That's Majima with the support course.

needalegup?: he couldn't figure out how to work his phone with his fingers when we first made this chat and he used speech to text a lot.

goth portals: we used to get a lot of text messages where Hatsume had spoken over him and it became too much of a meme so Nemuri changed his name to speechtotext.

gotta go fast: understandable, have a nice day.

7:24 AM

We Are Number One™

Spider-Man: um guys all of floor five is frozen what happened?

Galvan: the girls' side isn't but it's getting cold over here

GuyFieriIsGod: My door is frozen shut.

Spider-Man: Todoroki or Yukimura must have had a nightmare again

TheGreatCreator: Does this happen often?

Spider-Man: more than you'd believe.

GuyFieriIsGod: Does anyone have an ice pick?

Galvan: i'm going downstairs before it spreads

TheGreatCreator: That's a good idea, Tsu, we don't want you getting too cold and hibernating.

WHAT?: wow

Spider-Man: wow? just wow? dude, help us!

WHAT?: ...

WHAT?: perish.

baby shark: I'm coming!

7:45 AM

We Are Number One™

Spider-Man: KIRISHIMA IS A GODSEND

GuyFieriIsGod: He got us out.

TheGreatCreator: It was easier because Todoroki likely melted it.

GuyFieriIsGod: Anyway, now that we're free, I'm making breakfast if anyone wants any. 1b and Shinsou included

WHAT?: wow

cena: Is Bakugo okay?

SmolMight: Yeah, that's just his morning brain. That happens if he gets less than an hour of sleep. He kinda short circuits for about an hour.

Pichu: excellent. thank you for this knowledge.

princessbubblegumknockoff: sometimes I question if your have a death wish.

Pichu: a death wish to get him to hug me and tell me i'm cute dammit!

Pichu is offline

baby shark: a very pure death wish. we don't deserve you denki!

WHERE?: It's been made apparent to me that I froze the fifth floor and I'm sorry.

chaoticgaydisaster: and I made enough snow it was practically snowmen

princessbubblegumknockoff: THEY RISE!

WHERE?: too early for this i need a pot of coffee

chaoticgaydisaster: mood but also gimme half dammit

Taglist: @logan-sanders-enthusiast @luckyicekitsune @whippedbel @lgbtforeverything @pinecone-chomper @mikmacmoo @wasinotwantedatthisexactsecond @purplespiderstormcloud @stankyratman @king-of-the-oranges @headcannons-and-random-things @fear-ze-queer @turtleluv799 @ymmm-someone

[violasmirabiles]

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you want to know better.

i got tagged by @ruskatuska which i somehow forgot to mention first jesus christ why am i like this

1. Name/Nicknames: ali

2. Gender: who tf knows

3. Star Sign: aries

4. Height: 160cm

5. Time: gonna be 1pm in a bit

6. Birthday: march 26 so yall still have time to get me presents 

7. Favourite Band: pink floyd and wigwam are my go to bands to put here but really there are So Many

8. Favourite Solo Artist: also So Many but bowie and kate bush are safe choices

9. Song Stuck in My Head: rufus wainwright - cigarettes and chocolate milk

10. Last Movie: it chapter two

11. Last Show: uhh. god i dont know. 

12. When I Created This Blog: late 2011. like late november, early december. i know it was before i saw paul mccartney in helsinki and that was on dec 12 2011

13. What I Post: whatever fandom shit im into at any given time, bands/artists/music i like, whatever pretty and or interesting and or funny catches my eye. just posted a selfie, i do some of those. some text posts. i do use this blog to vent and i do have a shit brain so yeah

14. Last Thing I Googled: the model of my vacuum cleaner so i could find the right kind of filters i need for it lol

15. Other Blogs: @ihmekukkavesi for my photography, @shineondoc for university hell with some stephen king peppered in there. but it like. its relevant

16. Do I get asks?: sometimes. not super often. but like, i dont reblog those ask memes very often and the one good update this piece of shit website ever did is the chat system so thats good

17. Why I Chose My URL: i mean i wanted something related to my name (it is, trust me), coulda been another species but this one can also be a sneaky reference to a character from a thing im into so . yeah lol. also aesthetic. i mean it looks cool. pretty.

18. Following: a lot of people, many of whom arent active anymore but i keep following them anyway because what if they come back one day

19. Followers: a little under 2300

20. Average Hours of Sleep: eight-ish so thats good

21. Lucky Number: dont really have one of those but if a number is even OR divisible by 5 its a good number. i like 12 more than 10

22. Instruments: i have a 20-year-old shitty electric piano my dad gave me when he needed room for a newer, better electric piano. only in my current place i dont really have enough room for it even though i need it to practice choir stuff independently and just like having it because sometimes i just like to fuck around with it yknow? not calling myself good cos im not im super out of practice cos ive never been diligent abt that sorta thing but i can accompany myself and thats enough. so i keep it under my bed, not the best place, and practice on the fucking floor. cant even use pedals that way and that sucks ass. one day i will move to a bigger apartment and set it up again. i also have a baby blue ukulele with a picture of jack nicholson as jack torrance doing his heres johnny face taped on it. i got it in 2019 from my brother and his girlfriend as a christmas gift and was doing my ba thesis at the time, which i think a lot of the people who follow me know was about the shining. also also i can play guitar and bass but am not excellent at either because i never practice either of those and have neither in my apartment. and i never practice the ukulele either so even though i know a few chords i fucking suck. maybe someday.

23. What I Am Wearing: black leggings. black shirt. one black sock and one white one

24. Dream Job: i want to be able to write in some capacity and get paid for it but thats all i know and if i think too hard on it ill work myself up and wont be able to sleep so im gonna leave it at that  

25. Dream Trip: right now i just want to be able to visit my True Home Town which is not this piece of this place where i live and study and also happened to be born in

26. Favourite Food: yeah. not olives

27. Nationality: finnish

28. Favourite Song: feel like this woulda been more appropriate with the other music/art questions but hey whatever. also how the fuck am i supposed to have a favorite song when so many different gems exist. go listen to the musical box by genesis though it fucks me up every time i dont care what it does to you

29. Last Book I Read: still working on white noise by don delillo im fuckin slow i didnt use to be this slow

30. Top 3 fictional universes I would love to live in: the one where i can fucking FUNCTION, the one where i can Fucking Function and am also some sort of professional™ writer™ , and uhh. yeah idk

im gonna tag @panwriter, @appelssiini, @stokoetopia, @slip-sliding-away and @kukkahattumursu but no pressure or anything no ones gotta do this if they dont feel like it

[kiwidotcom]

ok this is like a legit blog post lmao. my sleep schedule is bizarre right now. so 4 am life blog post like its 2014 lmao

so many friends and people i know have been completing big projects in their lives, meeting huge goals, or just doing remarkably well for themselves recently. Of course im so happy for them but its been fucking with my head. for the last 8 years (minus the last 8 months lol) ive just been working full time or more, thinking that eventually id figure out what i want to do in life. but not only did i not figure out what i wanted to do, a pandemic hit and it completely fucked up the weird kinda path i had been on before. i feels like ive lost more than a year and a half it feels like ive lost an entire part of myself.

But pandemic right? i shouldnt feel bad about struggling when were literally living through something whose name the average person probably said four times before 2020. right?? except...

those people arent?? and not to say theyre not struggling. i know everyone has been through it these last 18 months. but seeing people my age, or more usually, a year or two younger than me, painting murals, or publishing magazines, or falling madly in love, its hard. Its hard when the greatest accomplishment ive had in the last few weeks is replying to an email from last october. i wish i was hyperbolizing. I mean its a seriously good day if i get out of bed and eat food that wasnt frozen. and if i clean the kitchen after?!! forget about it, im writing home about that. (i have yet to produce any such letters)

if money wasnt an issue, i know what id be doing. id be travelling all over the world. id be meeting people in hostels and letting them tell me where to go next, id try to learn new languages or be introduced to new cultures, id be using a plane ticket as a bookmark and a favourite food from every place.

but that was 2019 emma. sure she was scared of everything but she clenched her fists and ran toward it. now she cant even get out of bed enough to see out the window.

ok honestly this took a much darker turn than i expected. i actually feel ok right now. ironically, i would never have been able to write about any of this when the depression is really at its worst. which i think is why it all just fell out, because im finally able to verbalize this. because these last 4 or 5 days ive felt ok.

ive realized its ok to be starting my life at 25. as sad as i think that sounds. and that maybe im not as incapable as i think i am. (though, some things i am incapable of and sometimes its not just a matter of pushing through it, sometimes its a matter of recognizing that im brain damaged and to go easy on myself)

its only been for the last day but i think im genuinely considering going back to school. to work on a social work diploma but also maybe take like one art class at a time to finally finish my fine arts diploma???? i did a whole year, like, the pain of being an art school drop out is rough.

but anyway. my sleep schedule is MESSED AGAIN. idek why. it wasnt that bad until 2 nights ago. so im 3 melatonin in and its 4 am and im about to finish love island which i started earlier today. a guy on the show made a joke about his fiance finishing multiple shows and it burneddddd. i dont want to be this person. i dont think i am this person. oh my god i have so much more to say but i gotta stop because im going insane. why do i have so much energy at night ??!!

ok thats all. goooooodnight good morning

[momochrome]

Drabble and Oneshot Requests!

I wanna polish my writing a bit.

Fandoms: Fire Emblem, Pokemon, Demon Slayer, Ikemen Vampire, My Hero Academia

Note:

I will use gender neutral pronouns unless requested otherwise.

I can refuse requests.

I'm going to use all the time I need to complete them.

Fluff

1. “Kissing you was the best thing I’ve ever done”

2. "Hold my Hand?"

3. "Your lips are so soft?"

4. "Do you want to dance?"

5. "I've been in love with you ever since we were kids."

6. "You are such a dork."

7. "You make me feel save."

8. "The thing I really want in my life is to spend it with you."

9. "I've never felt this way with anyone ever. I'm so excited and scared I don't know what to do."

10. "...I love you. I don't know if my words are enough but I do."

11. "There is no one I'd rather have children with."

12. "Whatever it is I'm here!"

13. "Life is shit but you make it tolerable."

14. "Cuddles. Now"

15. "S-Stop looking at me like that."

16. "Can I do your hair?"

17. "I really want to kiss you right now. Can I?"

18. "Come on stay in bed a bit longer."

19. "Your laugh is so loud and ugly. I wanna hear it forever."

20. "Come relax I will give you a massage."

21. "Please let me hold on your hand."

22. "Stop looking at me like that. It makes me want to kiss you even more."

23. "Don't tell me you're ticklish."

24. "What a sight to wake up to."

25. "My heart is pounding and I don't know why."

Angsty

1. "I'm scared you will see me the way I see myself."

2. "You're lying."

3. "It's better this way."

4. "You misunderstand. I'm here to say goodbye."

5. "This reunion isn't how either of us expected it to be.

6. "I don't love you I love the idea of you."

7. "Stop trying to look for excuses and confront yourself. It's your fault."

8. "I'm just as pathetic as you are."

9. "I needed space, not you abandoning me."

10. "I can't watch you hurting yourself any longer."

11. "Be spontaneous for once."

12. "You knew this would stress me beyond oblivion but you did it anyway."

13. "Thanks for nothing."

14. "I loved you."

15. "I don't want you to leave."

16. "Stop ignoring me."

17. "I can't live without you nor can you live without me. But we aren't good for each other."

18. "It's my fault."

19. "One last time."

20. "This marriage was arranged. I never wanted this in the first place."

21. "Let's see each other again... in the afterlife."

22. "Don't die on me!"

23. "I'm going to finish this or die trying."

24. "You gave up on us."

25. "I won't settle down with the life you want me to live."

Funny

1. "Let's be disasters together."

2. "Maybe I should do the cooking."

3. "Guess who broke their arm. Correct, I did."

4. "Your morals are so low I won't even try stopping you."

5. "Dumb problems require dumb solutions."

6. "Yes I'm an evil genius and yes I would throw it out of the window for a goldfish."

7. "You just left me in the rain and ran off with MY umbrella."

8. "There can't be enough of me."

9. "Over your dead body? Okay no let's sit down and talk about your issues."

10. "It's three in the morning and we are absolutely going to make cookies."

11. "Sleep is for healthy people! Which is exactly what I am so good night."

12. "For anyone to understand you, that someone as to be high."

13. "I think I killed them."

14. "I now a thousand ways to dispose of a body if you need help."

15. "I might have read a reader insert about you."

16. "There is a reason I'm covered in cookie dough."

17. "I hereby give you the task of being my heater."

18. "Can you stop being so moronic, it's so adorable."

19. "I swear if you call me cute one more time I will bust your kneecaps."

20. "Stop telling everyone we broke up we are married."

21. "Of course I can't read."

22. "You should stop talking. Destroys what tour pretty face makes out of you."

23. "What did you do this time?"

24. "So I may have raised ancient evil again but I swear it was an accident this time."

25. "Let me get this straight. Our bathroom is flooded because you wanted to have the 'real mermaid feel.'"

Smutty

1. "S-Stop it I can't hold back if you continue to tease me."

2. "Consent and love is my kink."

3. "Don't tell me you're a virgin?"

4. "Strip. Don't let me repeat myself."

5. "I really want us to have a kid after this."

6. "Are you trying to make me horny? Because you are."

7. "I'm horny, you're horny, let's fuck."

8. "Geez here? Thought you were a romantic."

9. "I want to devour you."

10. "Please let me touch you."

11. "I can't get enough of you."

12. "I'm not going to be gentle if you keep this up."

13. "And here I thought you were innocent but you are just a kinky pervert."

14. "There's nothing I love than some defiance."

15. "Don't mind me. Continue undressing."

16. "I want us to fuck like rabbits."

17. "Are you aroused? I barely touched you."

18. "I could do this forever."

19. "Don't tell me this is too much for you."

20. "You're such a tease."

21. "Anyone could walk in you know."

22. "You gotta keep quiet if you don't want anyone to hear us."

23. "Are you sure you've been good enough to recieve a reward?"

24. "I might just have to mark you all over to show who you belong to."

25. "If you keep making that face and beg so cutely I won't hold back any longer."

Please request as following:

[Genre], [Prompt Number], [Fandom], [Charakter]

Submit as Ask preferably.

Thanks in advance!

[sunsetfanfics]

random prompts:

- person A w/ person B who is famous, A reading a fanfic ab B when B's character does sumn meam/stupid, A going "that was a dick move" B getting concerned

The snow coated the ground like powdered sugar

The temperature dropping significantly, making me wish I followed his advice and put on another jacket

The snow crunching under my feet reminding me I hadn't had breakfast that morning

-I'm a local and you seem like you're lost and hey you're cute even more motivation (or reversed)

-Turkey Hill visit @ 2am

-Early morning tickles

-Tea/Hot chocolate/Coffee on a cold, snowy morning

it was one of those evenings where the conversation took more tangents than a rushed english essay

with an air of nonchalance

1. “Don’t you dare.”

2. “Get under the covers.”

3. “You look cold.”

4. “Run.”

5. “Party time.”

6. “Stop being so crabby.”

7. “What is that thing?”

8. “Oh my god!”

9. “Cover that up!”

10. “I can never unsee that.”

11. “I like that.”

12. “Are you high?”

13. “That doesn’t mean jack squat.”

14. “That’s it. We’re cursed.”

15. “Go on. Tell me.”

16. “You walked away, not me.”

17. “I need to leave.”

18. “You need to leave. Right now.”

19. “You left me there.”

20. “I’m fucking stuck!”

21. “Don’t laugh. Do. Not. Laugh. This is not funny.”

22. “Delete that. Now.”

23. “Game’s over.”

24. “It’s not coming off!”

25. “You spilt that everywhere. Who has to pick that up? Me.”

26. “I left it all for you!”

27. “I left my life behind all for you!”

28. “I love you, you asshole.”

29. “Y-you love me?”

30. “Well, there is a first for everything.”

31. “Please don’t leave me.

32. “I don’t want to go.”

33. “She was crying, right in the middle of the gas station.”

34.“Blood. Blood everywhere.”

35. “What is that?”

36. “That’s so gross.”

37. “Give me ten bucks, I’ll explain later.”

38. “And BOOM! There they were.”

39. “They just popped out!”

40. “I thought I was alone!”

41. “That was an accident…”

42. “I swear it was like that when I found it!”

43. “I swear to god if you touch me…”

44. “Not me.”

45. “We are leaving. Now.”

46. “That isn’t appropiate.”

47. “D-don’t do that with your lips.”

48. “That’s distracting.”

49. “Eww, don’t do that!”

50. “My eyes are covered.”

51. “Hold my hand, bitch.”

52. “You little shit!”

53. “Is that my food?! You ate my food?!”

54. “Sit down.”

55. “Listen up.”

56. “That is not your problem.”

57. “You have no idea what I do for you.”

58. “Walk away! Do it!”

59. “If you step out that door I am never taking you back!”

60. “Oh, do that again.”

61. “Oh yes.”

62.  "Don’t force me.“

63. “Is that sass I hear?”

64. “Don’t touch me.”

65. “Baby, come back.”

66. “But I love you!”

67. “But I hate you!”

68. “Suck my nonexistent dick!”

69. “Ooh, that’s gotta hurt.”

70. “Look, a distraction!”

•“Are you asleep?” “Not anymore.”        

•“What if I don’t get better? What if I am broken?”        

•“That is going to leave a really nasty scar.”          

•“Nothing could go wrong, you said. Well guess what? Everything has gone wrong!”

•“Quick, I think the baby is coming!”

•“You made me breakfast in bed? What did you do this time?”

•“I trusted you.”        

•“I don’t… I don’t feel good.”            

•“Come any closer and I will hit you with this book. I swear to God!”

•“Where did you put your blankie this time.”

•“Can you check for monsters under the bed?”

•“You broke my heart.”        

•“Hey, are you alright?”

•“Do I look alright to you?”  

•“That best not be the last of the milk… Oh you bastard.”          

•“One little shoe. Two little shoes. All ready to go out.”

•“I’ll handle this.”

•“Stay behind me.”

•“If you hurt them…”

•“Get away from them!”

•“Don’t come any closer!”

•“I’m with you to the end.”

•“I’ll carry you if I have to!”

•“They don’t deserve you.”

•“I’ll always be here for you.”

•“Tell me who did this to you.”

•“I just want to keep you safe.”

•“Get your hands off my ____.”

•“I won’t let them near you again.”

•“I’ll do anything for you. Anything.”

•“You’re safe with me, I’ll protect you.”

•“Don’t you touch a hair on their head!”

•“You touch them again and I’ll kill you!”

•“You don’t have to be scared anymore.”

•“They thought they could get away with this?”

•“It’s over. They’re not going to hurt you again.”

• “Tell me or I’ll rip it from your mind.”

• “No. Smiling this early in the morning is unnatural and disgusting.”

• “I didn’t understand the warmth of you until I couldn’t have it.”

• “Don’t get all sappy with me. You know I can’t let a girl cry on her own.”

• “You’re a massive fucking douche, you know that?”

• “This pathetic little self-pity part you got going on isn’t going to keep me away.”

• “You aren’t the only one with scars, you know.”

• “I had given up, but you came into my life and I brought myself back.”

• “I thought that nothing could harm me when I was by your side, but I was wrong.”

• “I just want to scream.”

• “I’m falling apart.”

• “I feel like there’s no one to save me.”

• “I guess I got used to you numbing all the pain.”

• “I let my guard down for you, only for you to break it completely!”

• “I could escape when I was with you…”

• “I’m not drunk! I’m sober and that’s the problem.”

• “I never said it would last forever.”

• “I will fight for you until my heart is black and blue.”

• “We’re gonna make it to the other side.”

• “I’m not giving up on you, do you hear me? Even when I’m down to my last breath—I swear it.”

• “I’m not giving up on you, so you can’t give up on me.”

• “I have every right to be selfish with you”

• “Grab my hand!”

• “You can’t even really see me, can you?”

• “I’m right here. I’ve always been right here.”

• “There’s never been a moment that you were forgotten.”

• “I am screaming at you; please, please, please—why can’t you hear me?”

• “I’ll be your armor.”

• “Rely on me, come to me—let me be here for you.”

• “You keep lying to me.”

• “Is this just a stupid little game to you?”

• “Love is complex and overrated.”

• “Rot in hell.”

• “I’m usually not this desperate.”

• “It’ll be very easy to lose yourself in him/her.”

• “You are my sunshine.”

• “Do you know how happy you make me?”

• “Please, don’t take him/her away from me.”

• “I dreamt that, for the first time, you held my hand and every bad little thing just sort of fell away.”

• “I almost started to believe you.”

• “Lean on me.”

• “If you have a nightmare, we’ll just dance on the bed until the sun rises.”

• “I see the bones in your closet, I see them. But that won’t keep me from hanging stuff in there anyway.”

• “I’ll be here even when you lose your head.”

• “I will love you for infinity.”

• “I lose control when you touch me.”

• “You’re the reason I believe in soulmates.”

• “I’m a madman for your kisses.”

• “…so don’t tell me it’s impossible when I am living proof!”

• “My soul aches for yours.”

• “You were filling these holes since the day you were born.”

•“How exactly are you qualified to ____?”  “Who said anything about being qualified?”

•“Remember when you said you’d kill for me?” “I️ never said that.”

•“What happened to you?”  “You don’t wanna know.“

•“Fuck you!” “When?  Where?”

•“I️ have nothing to say to you.”

•“Go away.”  “No, not until I️ know you’re okay.”

•“What are you doing here?”  “I don’t know.”

•“You should’ve left me when you had the chance.”

•“You’re hot when you’re angry.”  “Then I️ must be smoking.”

•“What did I️ do?”  “You shouldn’t have to ask.”

•“What’s wrong with you?”  “So many things.”

•“I️ just don’t know what to do with you.”

•“I️ hope it was worth it.”

•“I️ hope you’re happy.”

•“I️ still wish you the best.”

[beauty-at-matrix]

50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked Before, tag game!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? Hot pink

2. A food you never eat? Meat

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? ALWAYS COLD

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Playing Homescapes. Stuck on this fucking level for 2 days.

5. What is your favorite candy bar? Mars bar.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event? Once hockey, once footbal, 3 times F1 race <3 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “It never works.”

8. What is your favorite ice cream? Caramel

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee

10. Do you like your wallet? OF COURSE I have Loungefly Thanos wallet, it's gold with the infinity stones!!!

11. What was the last thing you ate? I... haven't ate anything today. Should do.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? No, but the week before that :D 

13. The last sporting event you watched? One day we watched 2 football matches and then Bruins game, so hockey.

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Butter please

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? Dad, he told me his car broke so i gotta go pick up grandma.

16. Ever go camping? When I was a child a lot, lately only when going to music festivals.

17. Do you take vitamins? I do

18. Do you go to church every Sunday? No why would I

19. Do you have a tan? If I go out without SPF 50+ my skin gets weird red spots. Pale af here.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Chinese

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? I usually don't. I don't like sparkling water anyway.

22. What color socks do you usually wear? With print most of the time, so color varies.

23.Do you ever drive above the speed limit? What is a speed limit???

24. What terrifies you? Loneliness.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? Phone and earphones

26. What chore do you hate? Ironing

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? Kangaroos.

28. What’s your favorite soda? Pepsi, I guess

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Go in, I don't like driving in the city. At least in any other car than mine. And mine is far, far away.

30. Favorite cut of beef? Vegetarian, so none.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? Uncle irl, friend on whatsapp

32. Last song you listened to? The Scientist by Coldplay

33. Last book you read? A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore

34. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday, it's my free day from work. At least when I am working.

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Never tried.

36. How do you like your coffee? Milk, no sugar

37. Favorite pair of shoes? Don't have any.

38. At what time do you normally go to bed? When working before 10, in lockdown around midnight

39. At what time do you normally get up? Between 9 and 10

40. What do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets? Sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed? One

42. Describe your kitchen plates? White with blue flowers.

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage? Oh well. My favourite is lonkero, it's gin-based. But I can only get it in Finland, so I am really low on my supplies. So now my to-go drink is cider. Then I am a sucker for white, semi-sweet wines, not really into dry wine. When it comes to mixed drinks I love White Russian. Oh and Bailey's <3 I sound like an alcoholic, which is funny considering the fact I have the alcohol tolerance of a goldfish.

44. Do you play cards? Can, but not really.

45. What color is your car? Blue. Like, sky blue. But it's with my brother, since I live in the city centre and he lives in a village with buses twice a day. When I am in Prague, I drive uncle's dark grey Kia Cee'd. 

46. Can you change a tire? In theory, I guess. But I don't have the physical strenght. Also I tried only like once.

47. What is your favorite state/providence? Finland :D 

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had? I worked as a cashier at my mum's shop. All the coffee and cakes <3

49. How did you get your biggest scar? Appendix surgery.

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy? Told grandma I can come pick her up so she doesn't have to take a bus.

Tagged by @chloeamanda thank you love! <3

Tagging @naraism @fancydunamancy @intoxicated-by-your-magic-spellz @mondkatzerl @mioe1374

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 6 Extravapalooza

This week’s slate of early games....is not good. If ever there were a day to forgo NFL football and attend to some neglected tasks around the house, catch up on some paperwork for the office, or even spend some time with family, today is that day. OR maybe just drink more than usual to make the football appear more attractive than it is. Both paths are healthy and good.

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today. 

EARLY GAMES

Houston Texans at Tennessee Titans (-3.5)

Like everyone else, I was GREATLY amused by Derrick Henry leaving a chalk outline of Josh Norman on the field via stiffarm in the Titans’ win over Buffalo on Tuesday. That said, Derrick Henry isn’t having a great season thus far. He’s averaging a career-low 3.7 yards per carry (down from 5.1 last year and 4.9 the year prior). His drop in efficiency has been masked by an increase in attempts (25 per game this year, 20 per game last year). His longest run so far this season is a measly 16 yards. Is he already wearing down? Is this just small sample noise? I dunno, but I don’t feel super great about his prospects today despite the great matchup, considering that he just had 20 touches against the Bills on Tuesday night.

Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts (-7.5)

I really don’t have much to say about this game. I’m rooting for Joe Burrow like always, but this Indy defense is nasty and he’s still a rookie. Could be a rough one for him, but don’t worry I still think he’s the coolest and wish more than anything that he’d start smoking cigarettes on the sideline.

Atlanta Falcons at Minnesota Vikings (-4)

We’re long past the point where I need to accept that my faith in the Falcons was misguided, and yet here I am, picking them to cover once more. Gotta capitalize on that dead Dan Quinn bounce, baby! At least this time they’re squaring off against another squad of top-shelf bed-shitters in the Minnesota Vikings. Each of these teams have already sustained multiple heartbreaking losses already this season, with the Vikings somehow picking up two one-point Ls in their last three games. I’m genuinely impressed by the ability of these franchises to rip the hearts out of their own fanbases. Even when they blow games in ways they’ve blown them many times before, they still somehow manage to make it feel fresh. That’s not easy.

Denver Broncos at New England Patriots (-8)

As of now it looks like Denver QB Drew Lock will be back for this game, which is nice. He’s going to be without RB Melvin Gordon and TE Noah Fant, which isn’t so nice. After what felt like an eternity, but was really only one game, New England is getting QB Cam Newton back after his asymptomatic bout with COVID-19. Hallelujah!

Honestly, I don’t have a clue what to expect in this game. The Broncos haven’t played since October 1st, and the Patriots have had their facilities closed multiple times over the last couple of weeks, so practice has been sparse. I’m gonna go ahead and assume this one will be kind of ugly for both teams and I’m tempted to take the eight points. That said, I think Denver is really going to struggle to score, so fuck it I’ll make the homer pick.

Washington Football Team at New York Giants (-2.5)

Baltimore Ravens (-9.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

Eagles QB Carson Wentz is a broken man, his offensive line is in shambles, his favorite target (TE Zach Ertz) is either completely washed or isn’t trying due to contractual unhappiness, his #1 WR today is a 2019 6th round pick named Travis Fulghum, and he gets to face a Ravens D that ranks in the top 5 in EPA (Expected Points Added) against both the pass and the run and that blitzes at the second highest rate in the league. He’s gonna have a bad time. Luckily, fans will be allowed inside Philadelphia’s stadium for the first time this season, so he’ll at least have kind words of support from the stands to keep him going.

Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers (-3.5)

This is a tough matchup for Browns QB Baker Mayfield. He’s struggled with accuracy all season, and I can’t imagine having injured ribs is going to help him zip the ball where he wants to, especially after he gets hit a few times by the very good Pittsburgh pass-rushers. My #1 hope for this game is a bench-clearing brawl, preferably after Myles Garrett levels Ben Roethlisberger and then taunts the hell out of him.

Chicago Bears at Carolina Panthers (-1)

It’s time for me to admit that I was wrong in my belittling of Panthers QB Teddy Bridgewater and the rest of the Carolina offense. They’ve been sharp as hell, and there’s been hardly any drop-off at all going from injured All-Pro RB Christian McCaffery to journeyman backup Mike Davis. Add WR Robby Anderson to the growing list of players who have IMMEDIATELY flourished after escaping the vortex of incompetence constantly swirling around incredible dipshit Adam Gase.

Detroit Lions (-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars

BIG CAT BATTLE! In a fight between Lions and Jaguars, it really comes down to terrain. Lions are bigger and stronger, and if this confrontation were out in the grasslands they’d have a decided edge. However, this contest takes place on the turf of the Jaguars, where they’ll be able to use their agility and climbing skills to their advantage.

LATE GAMES

New York Jets at Miami Dolphins (-9.5)

I’d like to think a thorough ass-kicking by Miami here would rid the Jets players of Adam Gase once and for all, but expecting a logical move from an unqualified failson is probably unwise. I’m enjoying what the Dolphins are putting together under Brian Flores, the first good Bill Belichick disciple. 

Green Bay Packers (-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

Most of the focus on this game has been on the QB matchup, which is understandable. The fact that each of these guys is welcoming back an All-Pro WR (Davante Adams for GB, Chris Godwin for TB) does make it extra spicy. But, I think the deciding factor here is gonna be defense. This is bad for the Packers, because outside of DB Jaire Alexander, theirs has sucked so far. Meanwhile, the Bucs come in at #2 overall on Football Outsiders Defensive Efficiency Rankings, where they’re equally effective against the run or the pass.  

SNF: Los Angeles Rams (-3) at San Francisco 49ers

Niners QB Jimmy Garoppolo looked horrific last week in his return from an ankle injury. He was clearly not close to 100%, and despite positive practice reports this week on his injury status I can’t buy in until I actually see him able to step into his throws. I was actually surprised to see the O/U on this one at 51.5, as it feels like a low-scoring game to me, a man who definitely knows what he’s talking about.

MNF (Early): Kansas City Chiefs (-4.5) at Buffalo Bills

I’m furious with Kansas City for bringing in RB Le’Veon Bell to siphon touches away from my beloved Clyde Edwards-Helaire. IT’S NOT HIS FAULT THE O-LINE CAN’T RUN BLOCK WORTH A DAMN! Anyway, due to COVID-19 protocols, Bell won’t be suiting up for this one, so here’s to CEH ending his time as the primary back in a blaze of statistical glory. These teams are each coming off of bad losses, so I expect them to come out guns-a-blazin’. The Bills are fun as hell, but I can’t take them in a shootout against K.C. just yet.

MNF (Late): Arizona Cardinals (-1) at Dallas Cowboys

Dak Prescott’s gruesome injury was a huge bummer, even if you’re like most right-thinking people and viscerally dislike the Cowboys. I hope he recovers and eventually ends up with the huge pile of cash he was headed for prior to his lower leg turning into a Rice Krispies Treat. As far as backup QBs go, Andy Dalton isn’t terrible, but you know what is? The Dallas defense. I don’t think they can make enough stops to keep the Cowboys in this one, even if the offense still looks decent.

Last Week’s Record: 7-6

Season Record: 37-31-4

[momiwanabeanautistwhenigrowup]

So here I am. Doing the one thing I have steadily avoided for the last 4 years…somewhat.

I shouldn’t start off this way but fuck I hate writing. And there goes the first impression, etched forever in your subconscious.

She’s not going to be happy about this. Meh.

So I’m a 30 y/o stuck in this hellhole and this is my story? I guess. I mean it’s really ours.

I basically made this account to vent ..uh then I realised I’d have to go all the way back for it to make sense…and I guess my life has always been this series/rpg game so it might take shape in that style. I’m mostly explaining this to myself.

Jump to 2016. I started this biography venture bc in my short 25 years I’d amassed a set of experiences that were not so average middle class life experiences, and not in the good way. Now if you take my story and place it on the backdrop of each life on this earth then, in my opinion, my life is pretty ordinary too. Hence the (reason I tell myself there was a) delay with finishing this biography. Anyway so I sat down to write this thing a total of two times(fucking literary genius) in 2016, sometime in April if I recall correctly. It was horrible but necessary, and then I guess I found magic? And decided to halt production since well…I was busy coming into awareness. I still have the draft on this pc... I stopped when I was 10 years old.

Jump to 2020 and I’m in front of this computer with Tumblr as my backdrop in order for me to feel like I have and audience and therefore someone to talk to (I decided to type this shit out on word before copy pasting to tumblr bc apparently I don’t like living on the edge??)

I’m high as fuck (I would like to say.. but na, I’m just regular high off some freshly home-grown microwaved weed.) anyway this is probably going to be my last indulgent ingestion of the stuff. Hopefully.

Don’t get me wrong, weed isn”t to blame and I have people I can talk to, but the problem is

Everyone

Has

Their

Own

Shit.

None I know has the space. I’m the most equipped to deal with myself. To me, that is deeply unsettling right now. Like… most people don’t even know where to begin and..well..I’ve been here before so I know what to do and honestly it’s fucking shit haha.

And as shitty as I feel, it doesn’t change the fact. I gotta figure this out on my own.

I’m a 30 y/o natural med student in my second year of my 5 year degree. I live at my parent’s house in a relatively good neighbourhood, I have the most comfortable bed, a loving cat, a good-looking bedroom and many middle class luxuries…like an en suite. I have a very comfortable house to live in and there is always food whenever I feel like eating or even just to cook for fun(my talents lie in the kitchen, potions, medicines and treats are my favourite pastimes, I love to nourish people. Don’t let it fool you though.) it’s c o v i d year rn and I don’t pay for shit.. factually, I’m pretty privileged to have all that I do physically.

My parents have always been around in physicality, even when they weren’t there, especially when they weren’t there… which was and still is a lot.  And in rolls one of the overarching themes emerges. Welcome welcome.

I got that far and took a Facebook break, bitch she runnin

So yeah I was born in this bitch back in 1990, two guys got here before me, one 11 years prior, the other 3 years after the first. Then I showed up after our parents reconciled after a 6-month separation. But like…that doesn’t happen in my life till 2019.

I’m currently contemplating piercing my lip or nose but I threw out all of my old jewellery. Geezus, it’s her and she is 22. (side note to myself,  please ignore)

Anyway so yeah I get borned unto these guys; a drummer butalso telephone technician and an accountant, both were raised as worker bees but are actually uh..nope. spoiler one is a caster the other is a timekeeper. Both mages, but they don’t know.

I was this scared to shit little creature of a child. I slept between them once It was safe to do so (I know almost nothing about kids but I’m assuming it’s a safety hazard to sleep next to new-borns? let alone to let them sleep between two people whom are also asleep. Also, I recall sleeping in this white, wooden cot thing which used to chill next to their bed. It opened up like some gates did in those medieval(<-never understood this word tbh) castles, the ones that go vertically up and down. (Yes, I remember. I remember realising I was back on this plane when I was 2 months old, it’s my earliest memory-trust me this becomes highly unimpressive once I turn 23 so hold on before you think I’m lookin for clout on this one). Like I get that that is cute and all, legit I was cradled in safety but like, that cradle started to close in very soon. Too much of a good thing changes poles kids. Leave Jesus alone he wants to have some him time.

So yeah a lot happens that was quite significant during these first 4 years but I don’t remember much but a few glimpses. Bouncing on my dad’s chest, the lounge on a sunny Sunday, mom in a beige coat, long pretty hair, a family vacation where I wore this 2 piece I loved and there was a blue waterslide tube, a fight about racism (early 90s, go figure..but like also 2020 fr) a roller-skating rink, a “haunted” forest walk, Easter…. man that vacation was fun. Most of the things I remember were from age 4 onwards. But I do have snippets of before.. playing dress up with my cousins, hiding in cupboards, hiding behind makeshift tents, maaaaany makeshift tents, talks about camping outside by the pool (oh we had quite a nice sized house with a huge yard and quite a big pool too, I learned to swim when I was two, I spent a lot of time in and around water as a kidling) I spent and remember most of my time with my cousins and being angry at our aunts. I did ballet from the age of 4 as well, I remember my mom asking me if I wanted to do ballet and I said yes, we were in this blue ballet room where one of my cousins was busy with her class. She got here 7 or 8 years ahead of me too.

Idk my childhood was pretty colourful, even today, I remember it being filled with lots of adventure. At least until I started going to crèche, but only for mornings until the other kids got here and it took my mind off of the fact that my mom wasn’t there. I hated it when my mom left me anywhere, I still remember what that felt like and it’s still nauseating despite the fact that I’m about 26 years older now.

also i’m finally posting this now and the high has already worn off. 24 hours to go.

fuck.

[way-down-meme-town]

Tootsie (Act II) Sentence Meme

Under the cut you will find 56 lyrics from the 2019 musical Tootsie for your enjoyment!

Jeff Sums It Up 1. “Not long ago, there was a man, an angry guy, awkwardly aging, committed but kinda self-destructive, whining his way through life ‘til ambition and circumstance conspired to deliver an opportunity.”

2. “And how do I say it…you fucked it up. You really fucked it up.”

3. “You got applause, you got the fame, except it wasn’t exactly for you.”

4. “Now you’re in love with a girl who thinks you’re somebody that you’re not.”

5. “In case you forgot, I’ll tell you who you really are. You’re the guy who fucked it up.”

6. “Anyway, you get the point. You screwed the pooch! Epic fail!”

7. “I hate to say I’m happy to say I told you so, but it makes me so happy! I told you so!”

8. “You went tits-up.”

9. “I went tits-up.”

10. “I’ll tell you what, I’m coming along for moral support because I’m a friend, but mostly because I’m curious to see exactly how you’ll fuck it up.”

  Gone, Gone, Gone 11. “I woke up this morning out of my brain, an unfamiliar feeling like I’m gonna so insane.”

12. “I’m feeling like a fool. Someone’s changing all the rules.”

13. “I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. Baby, I’m gone, gone, gone.”

14. “I keep hearing voices, don’t know if they’re mine.”

15. “Brain’s on vacation, heart is working overtime.”

16. “My mind is bruised. I’m so confused.”

17. “It’s all because of you, cause you’re changing all the rules.”

  Who Are You? (Reprise) 18. “You really think you’ve got it figured out so perfectly.”

19. “Who are you?”

  This Thing 20. “What is this thing I’m feeling bubbling up inside me, lifting me toward the ceiling?”

21. “Hey, shut up! People live here!”

22. “What is this sound I’m hearing? Is it a bell to guide me?”

23. “What is this thing that makes me toss in my bed cause I’m racked with distracting desires?”

24. “What is this thing that I’m feeling? It’s odd. You’re so old, I’m so young.”

25. “My bod is like god and I”m hung.”

26. “I don��t care you’re not thin. You’re under my skin.”

27. “I know something special’s about to be starting real soon. I’m over the moon.”

28. “This thing has me worried and scared, but it’s finally time to reveal it.”

29. “I will love you forever. No, I’m not bashful to prove it.”

  Whaddya Do (Reprise) 30. “Whaddya do when everything is happening, but everything that’s happening has got you in distress?”

31. “Whaddya gonna do? You’re gonna fix your hair and go out there?”

32. “That’s the only way to win. You gotta go all in.”

  The Most Important Night 33. “Can’t believe the show’s gonna open tonight.”

34. “This is the most important night of my life.”

35. “This is the moment of truth. There’s no turning back.”

36. “Better chew a few asprin in case I get a heart attack.”

37. “Yes bangs! No bangs! Yes bangs! I don’t know!”

38. “Can’t wait. Here’s our future on a silver plate.”

39. “Just don’t panic, don’t get manic. Relaxation is key.”

40. “I can’t remember what my lungs should do.”

41. “Been dreaming this all of my life and tonight it all comes true.”

  Talk To Me Dorothy 42. “So here I am, desperate and dizzy, hanging by one hand from the thinnest branch.”

43. “I know how I got here. I know I’ve been stupid. I know it’s my fault…but I could really use some help.”

44. “What’s it I want? What was my hurry?”

45. “Is that what you finally get once your race is run?”

46. “So talk to me, you’re smarter than I am.”

47. “Your waters run deeper than mine. You’ve given me so much, and now I need more.”

48. “Let me hear through your ears and maybe this noise can turn into some kind of music.”

49. “There’s you and there’s me, with a heart you discovered and hands that are steady and warm to the touch.”

  Arrivederci! 50. “We feel so bad you’re going and I bet you’re gonna feel worse.”

51. “I’d like to stay forever, but it’s time for me to run.”

52. “You’re making me want to cry, I ain’t gonna lie.”

  Michael’s Reprise 53. “The man with a scheme and the master list couldn’t see there were one or two items he might have missed.”

54. “Like open your eyes and get a clue that maybe the universe doesn’t revolve around only you.”

55. “I keep hearing your voice. It’s still in my head, some kind of beautiful music.”

  Thank You 56. “I just have to learn how to do it all without the dress.”

[nongoxi]

Hewwo internet I guess first post on this hellsite for the first time in a long time...? Idk what I’m fully expecting here, I think I want this to be a journal? A safe place to say what I feel without being judged for how I feel about it. Obviously I want professional help, but right now I don’t feel that this is possible, and I feel guilty trying to pay for it.

Background on that; I live with a very nice roommate who lets me live with him for nothing. He doesn’t ask anything of me and usually we try to split house duties about 50/50. Anyway, that’s irrelevant and tbh if I could go get a job, I definitely would.

I do feel guilty for not being able to work well, at least not from what I’ve learned about myself. Every time I try, I get so fucked in the head and end up quitting after a few weeks because I can’t handle it...

I’ve been diagnosed with so many things at this point that idk what to believe. CPTSD, regular PTSD, depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, probably some other thing that I’m entirely unaware of. Who knows. I’ve been undiagnosed with DPD and BPD so that’s at least good? Idk, BPD was a large stretch by what seemed like a pill pushing asshole. And DPD came after that with a proper evaluation. Its been over 5 years since then though, and recent therapy sessions have said I more than likely don’t fit that diagnostic criteria anymore. So yay for improvement?

Depression and anxiety make sense, but I honestly think they’re symptoms of cPTSD (which was originally thought to be PTSD or PTSD like symptoms depending who you ask). I feel most hopeless when it’s like... in relation to past trauma and I can usually function well until something triggers me. Then it’s just breakdown after breakdown that could possibly last for two or three hours, maybe longer. I’ve only really had a few strong flashbacks... those were scary, being encompassed by an abuser who still follows me some places online. Yet I still question if I’m the true abuser, even though I really have no ill will towards anyone who’s ever harmed me. I just want peace I guess. Idk, it’s hard to know if I’ve ever been super toxic or abusive myself you know? Like, just trying to control my own life and my own will. Trying to gauge what’s good for me or not and make choices that are for myself idk. I’m not making much sense anymore so I’ll move on I think.

I’ve tried multiple different types of medication, mostly SSRIs and benzos and firstly, benzos are trash don’t get me started on the major addiction I was starting to develop or the emotional want of that high in the first place. Second, SSRIs pretty much always just make me wanna like... not exist. Like in the bad way. I’ve been on a few mood stabilisers and I’m allergic to the most common one, so that was fun dealing with whether or not the rash was gonna spread to my mouth. It didn’t, but you know, it was on my chin so let’s just not think about that anymore. I think the sad thing is, I want to be better, I really do. But with having taken probably over 30 medications with no help so far? I just want to get better without medicine. It feels like I’m always forced to take medications that I don’t want to though. You want therapy? Gotta have a psychiatrist too. Why? Idk, money? Maybe? I feel like therapy would be more productive if I could deal without having to have a medication station looking over my shoulder, ready to shove pills between my lips though. I’m tired of medicine.

Even Wellbutrin makes me feel like I want to self harm or not exist. Using it to stop smoking has been painful and honestly I’m still smoking just as much so? Guess it’s not working anyway. I’ll tell my gp about this at any rate, because she seems like she’s the only doctor who actually listens to me when I say something.

Speaking of which, I need to write a list of what things I’m feeling so I can give it to her. I’m scared, but I think it would benefit me in the end. And maybe she’ll listen to me about the “potential” ED I have. Look, I know I have food problems, I exhibit a lot of fucking symptoms of A, B, and BED but haha I’m fat so no one listens. Look, going through a binge phase for like 4 months straight and feeling uncontrollable urges to eat the whole house? Gaining 20 pounds in that time? 5 pounds a month isn’t that bad but bruh I weigh enough that my daily caloric intake is 2900 without exercise for maintain. Like 3500-4000 cals a day isn’t normal can we just discuss that thanks??? Anyway. No doctor wants to hear it and I always get the “write your calories down” stuff which makes me just... want to control it down to 1200 or less a day and. I try so hard not to do that and I’m stuck now. I don’t know what to do anymore and I need help but lmao wow that’s.. Impossible to get when you’re fat I guess. And it’s not just “I’m 180 pounds I’m so fat”, no I’m around the 275-325 mark (no exact details because I really don’t want people to know who I am or how I may look physically, if anyone ever actually finds this).

Idk where to even go from here. I feel better writing this out. I have no clue what to even remotely say. I wanted to vent and I guess I did so, but I didn’t really vent about what I wanted to, so now I’m just confused. Hell, I barely remember what I wanted to vent about so this is probably better. Imma sign off on this though for now, maybe I’ll be back. Who knows.

Btw, call me Nogi if you wanna use a name. I’m agender, but I’m comfortable with any pronouns (they/she/he/it). I’m 25. I’d prefer minors not interact with me, and that’s about the only reason I bring up age. So if you’re a minor, please leave.

I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to speak about how I feel and vent. Maybe reblog cute things? Or vent things? But mostly I’m here for me. Respect that.

[cececreativewriting]

short play, “Tristan”

TRISTAN

Concept: In a song I like, there is a lyric that states “Maybe if life wasn’t so hard, if he got off to a better start, he’d be somewhere.” This play follows Tristan, aged 5 to 25, and his family. Mainly, we follow Tristan in his slow decline into drug usage, addiction, and overall a depressing life.

Setting: somewhat messy/run-down room with a bed, book self, table and desk

*Tristan is age 5 when the play begins, and he is sitting on his bed while his parents are screaming/arguing; you can hear them but cannot see them*

*Tristan is rocking back and forth in his bed, clearly distraught*

*he pulls out a notebook and begins to draw a dragon. he hangs it up on his wall, and in the corner it says “Tristan, age 4”*

*dad comes in*

Dad: Hey, Tristan

Tristan: Dad! Do you want to play?

Dad: Hey, uh, I would love to… but i need to take care of some errands.

*Tristan looks down, upset*

Dad: But hey! Tristan, do you want to help out?

Tristan: *jumps up, and happily yells* Yes, dad!

Dad: Okay. Remember that lemonade stand you had?

*Tristan nods happily*

Dad: Do you have any left over money from that?

*Tristan walks over to his piggy bank and shakes it*

Tristan: It sounds like i have some!

Dad: Okay, good. I’m gonna need to take it.

Tristan: But dad, it doesn’t come out until you break the piggy bank open.

Dad: Oh, let’s see.

*Tristan hands dad the piggy bank; dad shakes it then smashes it on the ground, ducks down, and picks up the money*

Dad: *under his breathe* $5.67 *starts to leave*

Tristan: How else can I help, Dad?

Dad: uhh, just keep drawing so we can fill our house with beautiful art *leaves*

*Tristan goes back to drawing, the shards of glass from the broken piggy bank remain on the ground; Tristan shuts his book, jumps out of bed, and runs off stage*

*Tristan’s mom comes in and picks up the pieces of broken glass, then makes Tristan’s bed. She is shaking the whole time; she leaves*

*Tristan enters, now age nine. his mother is yelling as he comes on stage in a beanie and worn down black converse.*

Mom: Tristan! Are you fucking serious! You can’t do that at school! You’re gonna get kicked out! Do you want to make your dad angry by getting kicked out!?

Tristan: No, mom

Mom: You know what, just fuck off Tristan. Just fuck off!

*Tristan seems unaffected. he pulls off his beanie and chucks it on his bed, then he grabs his sketchpad, and starts drawing*

Tristan: Fucking stupid grownups. Think they own the world.

*keeps drawing, angrily*

Tristan: I can’t wait to be a grownup and get to be in charge of myself.

*hangs up drawing. it is a drawing of a robot with guns for arms, shooting at a woman. the corner says ‘Tristan age 9’*

*hear a door slam, some quiet arguing, then it increases volume*

Dad: *from offstage* *mumbles* god fucking damnit. *Screams* Tristan! Get your fucking ass down here. NOW!

*You see the fear strike Tristan’s face as he quickly throws his sketchpad under his bed, and runs off stage*

*Tristan’s mom comes in and hangs up some other drawings Tristan has done. One from age 11, and one from age 12. The drawings get increasingly more violent as he ages. she leaves*

*Tristan (now 13) walks in with two friends, Zach and Phillip; Zach has purple hair and gauges, Phillip has bags under his eyes. Tristan has on another beanie*

*They enter, conversing, and all drop their stuff on the ground, then Phillip and Tristan jump on the bed, while Phillip sits in the chair next to the bookshelf*

Tristan: Well, like, what does it feel like?

Zach: It just makes things a little better. You’ll like it Tristan, trust me.

*Tristan looks nervous. Phillip pulls out a blunt, and lights it, then inhales and passes to Zach, who inhales then passes to Tristan; he nervously takes a hit, then exhales a large puff of smoke and violently coughs for a few seconds. His coughing turns into laughing, and then eventually all three of the boys are laughing loudly*

Phillip: Do you feel it?

Tristan: I don’t know. I think so.

Phillip: Well, what do you feel?

*Tristan grabs his sketchpad and begins to draw an alien doing various activities. The aline is looking up and has very large eyes. above him, there is a puff of smoke that turns into flowers*

Tristan: It feels like this.

*shows them drawing then hangs it up. of course, in the corner it says ‘Tristan age 13’*

Zach: Let’s go grub! I know the convenience store on Main and Holly doesn’t have any security cameras.

*They all jump up, grab their stuff, and run off stage*

*Tristan’s mom walks in, sprays febreeze everywhere, and starts to tidy up*

Mom: Oh, Tristan *as she pulls out a bong from under his bed and puts it on his desk, along with a few half full bottles of whiskey*

*Tristan enters, age 16, with Zach, who now has green hair. They are talking about how dumb their english teacher is; Tristan grabs the bong and takes a rip, then hands it to Zach*

Tristan: She’s such a bitch. She’s probably just mad that her husband left her or something. Dumb bitch.

Zach: I know! Why do bitches always have to be so fucking stupid? *takes a rip* Anyways, fuck it. Let’s get high.

*Zach pulls out a little bag and throws it to Tristan, who smiles, takes off his beanie, and grabs his sketch pad. He pours out some white powder and a razor blade, then cuts up a few lines on his sketchpad*

Tristan: You got a dollar?

*Zach pulls out a crunched up dollar from his pocket. Tristan flattens it, rolls it up, and snorts a line. He leans his head back to let the powder fall deeper into his nose. His eyes widen and he lets out a big, happy sigh; he hands the sketch pad to Zach, who with ease, does a line, then hands the sketchpad back to Tristan*

*Tristan begins to draw, then quickly shuts his sketchpad and chucks it under his bed as his dad walks in, drunk and falling over*

Dad: Tristan

*Tristan looks up*

Dad: You got any booze?

Tristan: *looks at remainder of alcohol* I don't know dad, do you have any money?

*Dad grunts, then hands Tristan 5$. Tristan hands an almost finished bottle of whiskey to him*

Tristan: Want a line?

Dad: Fuck yeah

*Tristan racks lines on the back of Zach’s phone. They each snort one*

Dad: Thanks, Tristan.

*Tristan smiles, but is obviously annoyed, and his dad walks out. He gets his sketch pad and begins to draw as Zach takes a bong rip, then evidently falls asleep above the covers*

*Tristan hangs up a drawing of a man with knives for each finger, above clouds that states ‘I AM GOD’ and says ’T 16’ in the corner; He takes another line, then exits*

*Tristan’s mom comes in, with a black eye. She puts a blanket over Zach, and she hangs up a framed diploma on Tristan’s wall. She exits, tired, and Tristan enters. He is now 18, and he still has on a beanie. There are bags under his eyes. He is holding two bags.*

Tristan: Zach! *drops bags* Wake up!

Zach: What!

Tristan: Come on man. Look what i got.

*Tristan pulls out a couple bottles of vodka, tequila, and a lot of beer.*

Zach: Oh shit *grabs bottle and takes a swig* Tristan, man. I don’t wanna get all fucking weird and shit, but I’m proud of you man. You graduated, that’s something I couldn’t do. So, uh, I got you something.

*Zach pulls out two tabs of acid; they each put it on their tongue and the spot light focuses on both of them, while there are lots of darker lights around them. For this scene, the spotlight remains on Zach and Tristan (spotlight is constantly switching between very bright colors) as various people come in and out, drinking, smoking, doing lines, etc. Tristan and Zach just look around in awe (they’re tripping) for the whole scene. They look doped out, and they do not interact with the mass amounts of people that come in and out of his room. eventually, everyone is gone, and the room is a mess. Zach and Tristan look at each other, laugh, then both fall back on the bed, and fall asleep*

*Tristan’s mom walks in and begins to clean*

Mom: What has happened to you, my sweet boy? *kisses Tristan on the cheek as he sleeps*

*Finishes cleaning, then looks at the boys endearingly, sighs, and hangs up a very trippy drawing that says in the corner ’T 18’. She walks out.*

*Tristan and Zach get up and the song “Killing in the Name” by Rage the Machine comes on, while they take bong rips and draw; Tristan is now 21*

Tristan: Naw man. I’m telling you, I am really onto something right now. I’m gonna get my shit together you know. I swear I think this is gonna work out. *phone rings* Hello? Yeah, come to my room. *hangs up*

*a few seconds later a boy who looks about 15 comes in*

Tristan: Whatdya want?

Young boy: Uh, can I get 5 bars?

Tristan: *pulls out pill bottle and pours pills all over his notepad, then hands five to the kid, who pays him* Be careful with those. They can make you dumb.

*Kid nods and leaves*

Tristan: Zach, I really think I’m gonna make it. I’m making so much money off of this.

Zach: Can we at least try it?

Tristan: Come on Zach, we can’t blow it all. We gotta make money.

Zach: How can we sell it if we don’t know how good it is?

Tristan: *sighs* You’re right.

*Girl with long straight hair walks in and sits on Tristan’s lap*

Tristan: Okay, so Lilleth, I think we gotta try the shit and make sure it’s good.

Lilleth: Baby, I was thinking the same thing. *Pulls out baggy, empties little rocks onto sketch pad and crushes them up with a spoon. continues preparing while conversation goes on*

Zach: *Gets up* Tristan, you got a belt?

Tristan: Yeah, the bookshelf *while looking at Lilleth, in love, kissing her cheek*

*Zach sits on bed and hands Lilleth the belt. She tightens it around her arm, sticks a needle in her arm as Tristan holds the belt tightly on her. Once it is all in, she looks at Tristan smiles, and falls back on the pillow, with a huge smile; Tristan and Zach both shoot up*

Zach: Damn ! This shit is amazing…

Lilleth: I fucking know

Tristan: You guys, we’re onto something big here. We can cut this shit and double our profits. Fuck it, even triple it with some dumb kids. We’re gonna make it big, guys. We’re gonna fucking make it big.

*Lilleth and Tristan start kissing, Zach is just doped out staring at the ceiling; Tristan pulls out sketchpad, puts the remaining powder in his gums, then starts drawing. He hands up a picture of a big, 3d heart, and it says ’T 21’ in the corner; Zach leaves, Tristan and Lilleth fall asleep*

*Tristan’s mom comes in, looks at the mess, sighs*

Mom: fucking Tristan *leaves*

*Lilleth wakes up and starts pacing around the room. Eventually, Tristan wakes up too.*

Tristan: Baby, why are you up?

Lilleth: Tristan i cant fucking do this anymore. I can’t fucking do this.

Tristan: Baby, what?

Lilleth: Look at us Tristan! We’re 25 years fucking old. We can't keep fucking living like this, we cant keep fucking around, we cant keep being fucking dumb Tristan we… I’m pregnant Tristan.

Tristan: We can make it work, Lilleth. We can do it! I’d do anything for you baby.

*Lilleth keeps pacing, Tristan gets up and hugs her, she cries.*

Tristan: Come on baby, just take another line, you’ll feel better.

Lilleth: You’re right. You’re right. We can do this. We can raise this baby together. We can raise it to be better than us, we can raise a doctor! A lawyer!

Tristan: Baby, we can do anything together. We’re gonna be okay, I promise.

Lilleth: I love you, Tristan.

Tristan: I love you too baby… We can look into getting an abortion tomorrow.

*Lilleth runs out, Tristan follows.*

*Mom walks in and hangs up two drawings she rips out of his notebook. One is a drawing of Lilleth with a baby bump. The next is a drawing of a broken heart. And lastly, a tombstone, that states that both Lilleth and the baby have died. spot light focuses on each drawing*

THE END

[agentdagonet]

Echoes, Ch. 26

Find it here on AO3

Find it here on tumblr:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25

Fic Summary: Feet dangling off the edge of the bed, hands still resting on the earpieces of his glasses, Eggsy opened his eyes.

And promptly shut them again, screwing them shut like a child who had the distinct misfortune of biting into a raw lemon. Breathing harshly in his nose and out his mouth, trying to stave off whatever delusional panic had befallen him, Eggsy reopened his eyes.

‘Harry?’

Or: The Hologram Story Nobody Asked For

          ‘You know I love you, yeah?’ Michelle’s voice didn’t waver, but her eyes remained focused on the cup she clutched between her hands. They were sat together on the sofa, enough space that Daisy could fit between them, had she been awake; Eggsy hummed in agreement, mouth preoccupied with the tea they had masterfully made themselves to give them a way not to talk. 

           They both knew they had to, the way they were going just couldn’t continue for much longer. Something had to give.

           ‘... I’ve spen’ a lot of time, mum, tryin’ to find a way to explain my shit in a way you’d get it- but, see, knowin’ how to talk to someone means you gotta know ‘em. An’ it kinda hit me that we don’ know each other well ‘nough for that.’ Eggsy sighed, one hand tugging through his hair while the other held the cup on the armrest. ‘Not as adults, at least- an’ I don’t want to be harsh on you, but it feels like you still see me as a kid cos you weren’ really awake enough to see me when I was one.’

           ‘I know your age, Eggsy-’

           ‘It ain’t about age, mum- least, it’s not about the number. It’s about where my head’s at, the age I am here,’ he brought the hand from his hair to hiss temple, ‘an’ here,’ his heart, ‘not some numbers.’

           ‘I don’t understand.’ It’s quiet, muttered around the lip of her mug, with a furrow between her brows. ‘I know the estates and… and Dean,’ she swallowed heavily, ‘weren’t very forgiving or anythin’ but we got by.’

           ‘When Harry came by and told you about dad,’ Eggsy turned fully toward his mother, who was buried in her mug and growing tenser by the moment, ‘when he gave me this medal cos you were just gonna toss it out of spite,’ Eggsy pulled it from his shirt and over his head, laying it on the cushion between them, ‘he told me to take care of you.’ Michelle’s head shot up, eyes wide and mouth slightly open.

           ‘The first time Harry ever saw me, he knew who we were- dad talked about us constantly. He knew the news he was going to deliver was awful and that nothin’ could replace what he saw as his having taken from us. He blamed himself- he fought tooth an’ nail to get that medal for us against every regulation there was- and he knew you weren’ gonna accept help from anyone but he gave me the medal anyway. Told me to take care of it- and you.

           ‘I didn’ really get it at the time, but then you just… didn’ get up for a while. I had to go to school, I had to eat, and you didn’t seem to hear me askin’ you about that stuff. I didn’t get a buncha stuff at school and you wouldn’ help me so I ended up talkin’ to my teachers and figuring it out me’self. I started figurin’ my own food- an’ then I started figuring yours. Tried to pester you into much of anything but it was just so hard. An’ then you started dating again- or, well, going out, an’ I had a whole new challenge.’

           ‘It weren’t all that, babes-’

           ‘Mum, I love you, but it was. My fears for Daisy, the reasons I didn’ tell you when I found out what really happened to dad, aren’ just nightmares an’ shit made up. I don’ want her havin’ to do even a fraction of what I did at her age. The fact that you can’ see, even now, everythin’ that was wrong back then scares me.’ Eggsy lifted his mug back to his face, barely sipping as an excuse to pass the buck for a bit. 

           ‘I just… I guess I can’t put it all together in a way that makes sense, Eggsy. Harry- the one who told me about your dad’s death, who died ‘imself, and then wasn’t dead- his guilt ain’t yours, and I don’ get why you’d be so torn up abou’ the death of a man you barely knew. An’ keeping secrets is one of the few things I know the estates taught well, I don’ like it but I understand that bit. Mostly. Still hurt, tho.’ Michelle sounded entirely lost, and wished desperately for a cig or a stiffer drink than tea- but she was trying not to rely on shit like that anymore.

           ‘Harry told me to take care of you- so I did. Not that I really thought he existed for a bit there, to be honest. Without the medal I’d’ve chalked ‘im up as a figment of my imagination. I just knew that someone ‘ad given me an important job, and I was gonna do it. But, to be honest mum, you’re tough as shit to take care of. I started to give up, an’ I went off to the Marines to try an’ make something of myself for me. Figured you was okay, what with a live-in boyfriend an’ all, but that weren’t the case at all, cos-’

           ‘Daisy.’

           ‘Yeah, mum, Daisy. You called up me in a panic, bangin’ on about losin’ me like you lost dad and I dunno if you really knew what you was doing. Maybe you weren’t doing it on purpose- I hope you weren’t-’ the last was murmured, ‘but you used my takin’ care of you against me. You pushed every button, pulled every trigger, and then- d’you remember the last bit o’ that call? I can’t forget it.’ 

           Michelle shook her head, mug forgotten on her lap.

           ‘You tol’ me that it wasn’t like I could make a career out of that anyway. You just… dismissed my choices like they didn’ matter a whit- I was nearly twenty, mum! Did you know there’d been Olympic scouts at my gymnastics practises? That girly shit Dean said was a waste of money coulda gotten us out of there, no medal necessary- I liked gymnastics, but someone else said different and you leapt to please ’em. 

           ‘You didn’ really treat me like a person; you didn’ explain or ask what I thought or even talk to my coaches. One day I was doin’ something amazing and the next day I was told we were never going back there again, and yeah I wasn’ an adult but I’ve never been an idiot, mum. Just. Over an’ over again you showed me that I wasn’t the most important thing in your life, or even like top five sometimes, so I stopped tryin’ to be. I let Dean get to me, let ‘im use me to run his shit and whatever the fuck else he wanted to keep ‘im from goin’ after you or Daisy an’ I stopped trying to find a way out.

           ‘I gave up, got myself stuck, an’ Harry just abou’ dragged me back into bein’ a person again withou’ even knowin’ it! He was a right prick about it at first- said he though’ dad’d be “bitterly disappointed” in me.’ Much to MIchelle’s confusion, Eggsy grinned his way around the words and huffed a laugh. ‘He was actin’ on the assumption that my life choices were my own- but I set him straight quick. Got me goin’ off about posh arseholes and silver spoons, an’ looking back I think he was a bit proud I didn’ hold my tongue, but then Poodle and the boys showed up. And, well, you know what happened after that. Fuckin’ Dean, and Harry saving my arse cos I refused to grass on ‘im even after… well, after everything.’

           ‘I think you’ve gotten off topic, Eggsy. I don’t need a step-by-step of you ‘n Harry-’

           ‘Except that’s exactly what you asked for, mum. You don’ get why his death fucked me up so badly an’ I’m tryin’ to explain it to you- but you don’t really want to know why it affected me so badly- you’se wonderin’ why his death affected you long after you’d put ‘im and his message from your mind.’

           ‘Now wait a minute, Eggsy- I ain’t lying to you about wanting to know shit. I’m not lying about wanting to understand why his death put you in such a state. I’m not making shit up about not understanding and trying to understand you. I don’t get it, I’m trying here,’ she wiped at her eyes angrily, refusing to look away from Eggsy despite the state she’d suddenly put herself into, ‘but you’ve got to give me something to work with, babe! You’re going on about bein’ grown up and at the same time you‘re harping on about shit I can’t even remember!’

           ‘EXACTLY!’ Eggsy jumped to his feet and threw his hands up, thankfully having dropped his empty mug to the ground beforehand, ‘That’s the fucking problem, mum- you don’t remember. And, maybe, what you do remember somehow measures up as not as bad as some other shit but I don’t have that luxury! You know what I remember? You, blacked out on the couch; you, lettin’ Dean’s boys paw at you in the livin’ room; you, turning away the first time Dean hit me; you, ignorin’ Daisy crying for hours until I gave in and got what she needed.

           ‘And, yeah, I know shit was tough- I’m not tryin’ to compare sufferings or some other bullshit- I know you think you were doing the best you could; I know you think you did the best you could with the shitty hand you were dealt. I know.’ Eggsy stopped, took a deep breath in his nose and out his mouth, lips pursed tightly, and did it again. Again. Until the red faded from his face and his heart slowed down enough to feel rational again.

           Michelle hadn’t moved. She tried to convince herself that she was listening out for Daisy moving about in her room, what with the ruckus, but adept as she was at lying to herself it wouldn’t stick. This man in front of her was a stranger to her- she knew he was her son, but she didn’t know anything about him, apparently. She didn’t know his goals or his struggles, she didn’t know his friendships beyond the tangential moments they crossed her path directly; how was she ever supposed to bridge this gap she hadn’t known was there?

           ‘Eggs-’

           ‘Let me finish, mum- if I don’ do it now I don’t think I’ll try again later.’

           ‘Okay.’ She swallowed heavily, hands so tight around the mug she was surprised it hadn’t shattered, and waited.

           And waited.

           ‘D’you know what I don’t remember, mum? I don’t remember dad’s voice. I don’t remember his laugh or much of anythin’ about him to be honest. Sometimes I think I see him when I’m asleep but I dunno how much of that’s just my head making shit up with the one picture I’ve got of him, and how much of it is an actual memory I can’t get to when I’m awake. I don't want to find out how much of it's all in my head, honest. An’ maybe all that’s not the healthiest start to a relationship, of any kind, but it’s a sight better than drugs and a meal ticket.

           ‘Harry didn’t save me, and fuck knows he was a right arse at the start of it; but my refusing to grass gave him enough reason, I guess, to give me the chance to prove myself. He threw every one of my biggest regrets, especially the ones I didn’t get a choice in failing at, in my face. An’ then he turned it about in a way only someone used to getting his way can- he told me to jump. And I said “why not” instead of “how high” an’ he was glad for it. He didn’t give me shit besides a chance; he didn’ tell me what was goin’ on ‘til it were too late to turn back and let me prove myself. Not to him, but-’

           ‘To yourself. He… He took you away from everythin’ that held you back an’ let you push yourself. He let you figure yourself out without any of us stoppin’ you.’

           ‘He believed in me, mum; and, yeah, it all started cos he figured he’d as good as killed dad himself but he let me figure it out myself. Never treated me like a kid or like I was less a person for bein’ different- and I fucked it up anyway, mind, but he let me try- and then he died and the one person who’d believed in me was gone. An’ the last thing I’d said to him was accuse ‘im of havin’ dad stuffed somewhere in his house like one of them pinned butterflies. He went straight off for America from that fight, an’ then he died-’

           ‘And you blamed yourself.’ Her Eggsy, if she could call him that to herself without wincing, had gone and fallen into the same pit Harry had after Lee. He slumped back into the sofa, head hung low, and Michelle took the moment just to look at him. To see the way his jaw clenched and unclenched the same way Lee’s had when he was upset. The way Eggsy’s eyes had the same tilt his dad had had. All the little pieces of Lee that Eggsy had no idea he’d inherited because she’d refused to talk about him and brought people into their lives who forbade it. Because she’d... let her grief consume her.

           ‘Well, now I know what Merlin was on about,’  Michelle muttered to herself, one hand propped against her chin, ‘when he said I’d let my grief consume me. I didn’ even see you was strugglin’ more than I was, babes, cos it was different. I ain’t gonna claim that I get it now,’ she shook her head and a self-deprecating laugh escaped, ‘but I’m gonna say that I’m gonna try and see that I don’ understand and that’s okay.

           ‘I know I didn’ do right by you, Eggsy; I know I let other shit be more important and I pushed you away cos you reminded me so much of Lee that it… it made me angry. How could I keep bein’ who I’d been before, when he was gone? And I didn’ even realise that I was takin’ it out on you. Or,’ she corrected herself, ‘maybe I did, but I didn’t want to admit it to meself. I spent so much time tryin’ to ignore everything that’d changed and not enough trying to figure out how to be your mum- a mum, actually- after everythin’. You kept gettin’ bigger and then you were grown and leavin’ me and I just… panicked.’

           Eggsy refused to meet her gaze, one hand clenched tightly in a fist while the other rubbed itself aimlessly against the sofa cushion. He’d always known his mum was fucked up; the older he got the more obvious it was that she’d just had all her strings cut when his dad died and she let just about anyone make choices for her cos she couldn’t handle the responsibility of being a person. And yeah, having the explanation helped and all, but it was a bit like finding out that Snape’d been a dick because he was a spy and loved Harry’s mum- it was a good reason, but it wasn’t an excuse. It didn’t make things better in retrospect, it didn’t make him happier to know; it didn’t bridge the gap she’d dug between them. It was a good way to learn what not to do- but didn’t help much when trying to figure out what TO do.

           ‘I don’ think I’m ever gonna understand, Eggsy, but I don’ want you avoiding me- or Daisy- cos of the shit I did before. Or didn’ do. I ain’t gonna claim to fix it or anything- but I want to try an’ do better; I want to learn how to be… well, maybe not a mum- think you’re a bit old for that, an’ that’s where I fucked this up in the first place. I tried to push you to talk an’ you weren’t ready, or maybe just not ready to talk with me ‘bout it, cos I thought I knew best. And it’s pretty obvious here that I don’t. So, maybe I can learn to be your friend- one that’s got a load of stories to teach you what not to do.’

           ‘You’re always gonna be my mum, tho. You fucked up, a lot, and I’m tryin’ not to… to project my past onto Daisy cos you’ve changed. V-Day made us all re-think a lot of shit, in a lot o’ ways, and I know you’re trying. There ain’t much to drink here, you’ve been chattin’ with Harry and takin’ Daisy to school and being a proper person. I can see it. But, sometimes, seein’ you trying makes me mad as hell- cos why wasn’ I enough to try for?’ Eggsy felt a tear escape, traitorously run it's way down his cheek, but refused to wipe it away. He was allowed to feel, damnit.

           ‘Oh, Eggsy, there was nothin’ you coulda done. You did your best- I just… wasn’t quite there yet. I couldn’t see past the moment I was stuck in like- like your bloody snowglobe, that one Lee brought home for you his last leave. Everythin’ was fine long as I didn’t leave that bubble and tha’s on me, babes. My shit ain’t your responsibility, an’ that goes double for your guilt over Harry. Obviously his dying didn’ stick, but you’ve gotta let that shit go or you’re never going to see eveythin’ that’s in front of you.’ Michelle thought briefly of Harry the first time he’d come by, how lost he’d been when she’d just brushed aside his guilt like a stray bit of dirt where it shouldn’t be. ‘And I ain’t talkin’ about being grateful- I know you’re plenty grateful that shit’s landed as it has, love- but you… I dunno, maybe it’s just cos I see you so little with that “tailoring” job,’ Michelle mimed the quotations with her fingers, ‘but it feels like you’re doin’ the same shit I did, but, like, the opposite. You’re tryin’ to keep yourself in that moment back when shit wasn’t all fucked up, an’ if you’re moving forward it’s fuckin’ slowly.’

           ‘Like you’re one to talk, mum.’

           ‘But tha’s just it- I was doing that. I was stuck and stickin’ there and I didn’t even care I was doing it ‘til some madman decided to shove my faults in my face in a way I can only thank every god above and below Daisy doesn’t seem to remember.

           ‘Learn from me, Eggsy- don’ get stuck just cos it seems safer.’

           ‘I don’t know how to be safe, mum- I just know how to get from one crisis to the next.’

           ‘Good thing you’ve got the time to learn, then. Even if you’ve got yourself a group of folk who prolly don’t know any better than you do.’ That seemed to cut loose some of the tension, both chuckling and bumping shoulders, and when had the space between them shrunk so much? Physically, mind, but hopefully they’d started filling in the emotional gaps.

           They sat in silence for a while, finishing off their now-so-cold-it-was-a-little-gross tea and clearing the sitting room. They got up to wash their mugs, stood comfortably beside each other at the sink, a happier echo of tense moments past. Michelle didn’t want to leave anything for Eggsy to wonder at, cos chances were that they wouldn’t ever speak like this again. This was the only chance she’d have, probably; but even if it weren’t she needed to know that Eggsy had heard her.

           ‘I need you to know that I mean it when I tell you I love you, Eggsy. I don’ really know how to love you, now, but I know it’s there- I just can’t express it right, I guess. And I’m so proud of you- you grew up so much when I wasn’t looking. When I was lookin’ away on purpose. But you’re an amazing young man and I am so proud of you- even when you won’t tell me all about your fancy dangerous job and I have to imagine what’s goin’ on.’ Eggsy smiled ruefully and scrubbed a hand at his neck, cheeks flushed but unrepentant. Michelle smiled and slowly opened her arms, wriggling her fingers to goad Eggsy into her embrace- which he did without protest, and she lifted herself just enough to reach his ear and whisper the words she couldn’t bring herself to say to his face.

           ‘You’re so much like your dad; you’ve got his justice and his fury and I’m gonna try an' tell you that more often. You deserve to know that you’re doin’ him proud- and he deserves to be remembered.’