#anyway i don't want to put all of their business online but this whole thing really shakes me very badly

[thesmokinpossum]

woooooooooooow, so apparently my 22 years old cousin fell down the manosphere rabbit hole and now he violently hates his mother for the dumbest ‘reasons’ (including my absolute favorite ‘how can I trust this woman when she made me believe in Santa Claus for years?’) and I’m freaking the fuck out 🙃

[3igbootyl0ver]

A New Face

pairing: Tara Carpenter x Reader

summary: where the group of friends meet Chad's new roommate.

word count: 1737

Pt.2 | Pt.3 | Pt.4

a/n: heyyyyy this is my first ever fic I've written, don't mind it being cringy and I'm open to feedback teehee hope ya'll enjoy (p.s I'm new to this whole Tumblr thing cut me some slack 😭)

Chad has been trying to convince the core four to hangout at his apartment. He had been feeling lonely recently since Mindy and Anika had recently moved in together. 

It took him a few weeks to finally convince them into hanging out at his apartment. With Sam’s paranoia and busy work schedule, and the heavy workload for Tara,Mindy, and Anika in college, they were finally able to make the time and hangout. Plus, they could use a new scenery besides the Carpenter’s apartment, right?

That particular day they were supposed to meet up at Chad’s apartment, Tara was feeling under the weather, her finals for her college exam was killing her; And all she wanted to do was eat some greasy dough with sauce and meat while watching scary movies. 

“Hey guys! Come in, the pizza is getting delivered soon.” Chad exclaimed while hopping on his toes, feeling ecstatic since he hadn’t met them for a while. 

“What’s with you? you’re acting like a kid, dude.” Mindy commented, noticing her twin brothers’ gleamed faced and excitement. 

“Sorry, I’ve been lonely and I’m just glad we’re all together again. THE CORE FOUR! And Anika, of course.” 

“Didn’t you put up an online ad for a roommate? Where are they?”

“You don’t learn, do you?” Sam added, frowning with Chad’s method of calling in someone to fill in the extra room. 

Chad abashedly chuckled, and lowered his head, his cheeks burning up from embarrassment. It was Sam, who wouldn’t be scared?

“My roommate is cool! They’re out for work and should be here soon. They’re not a psychotic serial killer, I promise.”

Sam was skeptical, rightfully so. Meanwhile, Tara was sat on the couch, with her legs on the coffee table while scrolling through the tv to find a movie to watch. She couldn’t bother joining in on the conversation. She felt mentally exhausted from her exams and just wanted a day’s rest. 

After a while, the group was playing card games while eating their pizzas and watching movies. 

“That’s not fair Mindy! Stop giving me all the +4 cards!” Tara shrieked, feeling frustrated after getting the card that made her double the number of cards she had at least 4 times, making her chances of winning low.

“Whatever you big baby. Just admit that you suck in uno,” Mindy responded, smirking triumphantly while raising her voice

Tara rolled her eyes, not accepting her defeat and continued arguing with Mindy, with the rest watching amused by the entertainment. Unsurprisingly , Tara lost after Mindy getting rid of her cards before her. She couldn’t get rid of her cards with the suspicious amounts of +4 cards Mindy had. 

“Uno! Looks like I win, LOSER!”

“How about I shove this uno cards up your a-“

Tara’s reply was interrupted by the front door opening, revealing you carrying your backpack on your shoulders and your motorcycle helmet hanging off your hand (which peaked Tara’s interest, of course.) You looked tired, with dark circles under your eye, wearing your hoodie and sweatpants. 

Even so, Tara still thought you were the most beautiful human being she had ever seen. She was practically having heart eyes and drooling at this point, with Mindy noticing her stare and grinning cheekily. 

“What’s up dude. Tough day at work?” Chad commented, trying to create a conversation. 

“You know it, man” you softly chuckled while locking the door. 

“Anyways, my friends are gonna be here for a while. I hope you don’t mind,”

“Not at all, I’m probably just going to take a nap anyways,” you replied, finally looking at the group of people staring you. 

Mindy gave you a nod, already knowing who you were from her brother. Anika smiled and waved at you, which you responded by giving a soft smile back. Sam was staring you down, which made you uncomfortable and creeped out but ignored her action. Tara was well, staring at you? But not how Sam stared at you, she had a blank look on her face. 

Once you left and went into the hallway to your room, Mindy decided make a certain Carpenter’s life a living hell. 

“Tara, are you blushing right now? I didn’t know you had a type” she teased

“Shut up, Mindy. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You guys don��t find her suspicious? Seriously?” Sam commented, wondering why they weren’t skeptical like they usually were when there was new people around. 

It wasn’t new, after the incident of Ghostface, they all had their guards up, scared to open up to new people, to new faces. 

“They’re nice, I promise. How about I call them out so you guys can get to know them? They’re Y/N, by the way” Chad suggested, trying to convince them (especially Sam) to get to know you better before jumping into conclusions that you were a serial killer. 

All of them collectively agreed, with Tara nodding with a slight tint on her cheeks. Chad went up to your room and called you out, suggesting that you should hang out with them. Tara assumed it went well, as Chad grinned toothily and walked away. 

You’ve really peaked her interest. She didn’t know she had a type. The people she had dated before didn’t really cast a spark on her.  She didn’t feel happy or enjoyed her time during those relationships. It felt like she was the problem, however the thought was down the drain after going to a few therapy sessions with Sam after the Ghostface incident. Through the sessions, Tara found out that she didn’t feel happy through the lack of trust and being paranoid that her partner would be a killer. That’s understandable, it’s not everyday that your (ex) girlfriend tries to murder you. 

However after seeing you for 10 seconds, her mind was clouded by you. She noticed that you were as tall as Chad and probably plays sports too, based on your physique. All she thought of was finding out more about you.  Do you study in Blackmore? What bike do you own? Do you prefer cats or dogs? Did you find her cute?

‘Come on, Tara. Get it together.’ She reminded herself  after that embarrassing thought. 

When she saw you come out with the same sweatpants, but with a black t-shirt that showed off your arm sleeve tattoo on your left arm, she was practically drooling. You looked hot as fuck. 

“Hey guys, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Y/N”

“I’m Tara,” she quickly replied, seeing Mindy and Anika grinning at each other with a knowing look from her peripheral vision. 

You gave a smile. You looked cute. You had that cute ass dimples no one could ever resist, Tara thought. You might be the death of her. 

The group settled down and decided to watch a movie, you sat the end of the couch while waiting for the movie to start. Mindy, being an (alleged) amazing wingman she is, literally forced Tara into sitting beside you by pushing her. She sat on the couch with a sigh, annoyed at Mindy’s antics and rolled her eyes. Sam was just giggling at the other side of the couch. 

As much as Sam didn’t trust you, she was glad that Tara could act like a normal teenager again. After multiple therapy sessions, she gave Tara a little bit of more freedom and let her make her own decisions, even if it’s distasteful to her. That doesn’t mean she wouldn’t tase someone in the balls again, though. 

You mistakenly thought the sigh Tara gave out was because she had to sit beside you. You had known about what happened to their group from Chad, after he poured his heart out when he was blackout drunk. You understood the group of friends can be lack trust and be suspicious of new people. 

“Sorry, did you want to sit with someone else? I can sit on the floor if you want-“

“No! I mean it’s okay, I don’t mind sitting with you,” Tara replied with a heavy tint on her cheeks, embarrassed at her sudden reaction. 

Throughout the movie, you were munching on your pizza, oblivious to the amount of times Tara took glances at you while trying to think of topics to create a conversation with you. 

“So..How do you find the movie?” Tara questioned you, trying to get to know you a little bit better. 

“It’s alright, though I prefer other scary movies. I definitely do have favourites.”

“Oh, what’s your favourite horror film?”

“I absolutely love The Babadook, it’s amazing because I..” Any words that you uttered out of that beautiful mouth of yours disappeared. The universe must be sending a sign, she needs you badly. There’s no way Chad’s super cute, hot roommate would coincidentally like The Babadook, Tara thought 

“Blah, blah, blah, proper name, place name, backstory stuff..” was all she could hear. 

You on the other hand, only saw Tara staring at you blankly while she had her own inner turmoil and crisis.

“Uh, Tara..? You alright there?” you chuckled awkwardly.

“What? Oh, yeah sorry. I love The Babadook too! What’s your favourite scene?” Tara smoothly taught of a way to continue the conversation, silently cheering for herself. 

It took you both 2 horror films and a shared bag of popcorn to exchange numbers. Tara was secretly cheering in ecstasy of course. She would’ve jumped around and start dancing if she could. It was already close to midnight, and Sam decided that they should go back home before it’s too late to catch the last train.  Tara was devastated, she wished that she could’ve spent more time with you. 

“Soo, I’ll see you next time then? It was nice seeing you.” You initiated a conversation, seeing that Tara was pouting at Sam while trying to convince her into staying a little while longer

“Y-Yeah, see you. We should continue our horror fanatic activities again,” She chuckled, trying to prolong the moment. You nodded your head, giving her a soft smile while leading her, Sam, and the couple out of the apartment, since Chad was knocked out and asleep.

You took your last goodbyes with the group, even giving Sam a small wave, before closing the door. 

In the elevator, all Anika, Mindy and even Sam did was tease her on how red and lovestruck she looked. She didn’t pay any mind to it, all she could ever think of was you. 

[its-all-stardust]

Hey, so first of all, I love your work, it's absoluteley amazing!!!

I saw that your requests are open, so I thought that I would ask for a Matt Murdock x reader oneshot? You know, just something cute and fluffy?

Maybe I'm gonna sound a bit stereotypical but how about a reader that owns a bakery and wants to try out a new recipe. Matt tries to sneak a taste from time to time while "helping out" (honestly, he's just teasing and making reader's job probably harder [affectionaly]). Just domestic fluff? Maybe please?

You don't have to if you don't want to, but I thought I'd give it a try :)

Thank you!! I'm glad you like my writing!! 🫂

I'm worried with this one that I tweaked things just enough that it's not exactly what you wanted anon, but I did my best and wrote what inspiration gave me!! I'll be honest, it could be fluffier, but I'm also not offended by my own writing so that's something lol I hope you like it!! ❤️❤️

Check out this post for request guidelines

Masterlist

Matt Murdock/GN!Reader

Word Count: 964

Was turning your residential apartment into a glorified bakery after you moved in with your boyfriend legal? According to Matt, a very good lawyer, it wasn’t technically illegal, so you did it anyway and prayed your landlord never found out.

It wasn’t really a bakery, not in the traditional sense. You didn’t try making it into a storefront, nor did you want it to be one. You did, however, take specialty orders through your website. You mainly baked for small events or private parties. You weren’t touching a wedding with a ten-foot pole unless you made the cake or just one of the cookies for the snack table.

It wasn’t enough to pay the bills on its own—you still had a full-time job—but you enjoyed it, and the small amount of extra income it generated was nice.

Matt enjoyed it, too. So much so that you often joked he had ulterior motives for dating you.

But even though baking was a passion, it still came with challenges.

You let out a frustrated sigh and leaned against your elbows, bent over the counter, and buried your face in your hands. 

This is the worst part about baking, you thought.

“Do you need help?” Matt asked, hand suddenly on your shoulder. You jumped, letting out a small gasp. “Sorry. I tried calling a couple of times.”

“It’s fine,” you sighed, turning to wrap your arms around his middle, leaning into him, and pressing your face against his neck. “I just hate this.”

Matt huffed a laugh. “It can’t be so bad. You say that about every new thing you try.”

“But I really mean it this time!” you whined, though you actually didn’t.

You strived for perfection, but new recipes were always daunting. Either the first few batches didn’t meet your standards, or the very first one did, but the subsequent batches often failed. You thought once or twice about not adding anything new to your menu, but you needed to keep a refreshed list, or else you risked losing repeat customers—the ones who made this business possible for you in the first place.

“We can do it together,” Matt offered, lips brushing against the top of your head. “Will that make it better?”

You considered it for a moment. Matt’s taste was impeccable. You often used him—and Foggy and Karen—as guinea pigs, and he was always able to offer you the best advice. In another life, he would have been a fantastic chef. You’ve never baked anything with him before, only handed him the finished product.

If he helped you now, as you were putting everything together, it could make the whole try, try again process you had going significantly shorter, if not bypassed completely.

“Yes, actually. I think it will,” you answered, lifting your head up. 

The only problem: Matt was a complete and utter nuisance.

He wouldn’t do what you told him, at times completely forgoing your instructions—the one you found in an old cookbook that wasn’t like anything you found online—and adding either the incorrect amount of something or adding something that wasn’t even on the list of ingredients.

No matter how many times you told him baking was an exact science and the time for experimentation was after you followed the recipe to a T and tasted the finished product, he refused to listen. You thought he did, at first, but then you caught him tossing in almond extract behind your back, and things only went downhill from there.

“Would you please stop sticking your fingers in the bowl?” you practically begged after you caught him helping himself to the cookie batter for the fourth time.

“How else am I supposed to taste it?” he asked with a playful smirk. He seemed to enjoy the fact he was making you want to pull your hair out.

“With the spoon I specifically set out for that purpose!” You picked it up and thrust it at him. He ignored it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

“But I’m blind. How am I supposed to know where it is?” 

You raised an eyebrow, not fooled. “The same way you find the bowl even after I move it.”

Matt shrugged. “Fair point. But if I used the spoon, I couldn’t do this.” He stuck his finger in the bowl again.

“Matthew, I swear to—”

He stuck his finger in your mouth, not far but enough for the batter to touch your tongue, before he pulled away.

“—God,” you couldn’t help but finish as the first notes of the batter processed. Brow furrowed, you focused on the taste, brushing your tongue against the roof of your mouth, trying to make it last while you sorted out the different flavors. It was…

“That’s amazing,” you said, stunned. “What did you put in there?” You pulled the bowl toward you, forgetting the spoon in your hand as you dipped in a finger from the other. It wasn’t what you were trying to make at all, and you needed another sample.

“I tried telling you it just needed a few extra ingredients.” Before you could stick your finger in your mouth, Matt took your hand, wrapping his lips around your batter-covered finger. His tongue lapped gently against the pad, almost teasing. “Now it’s perfect,” he said when he pulled away.

“I think I need you in the kitchen more often,” you said, wheels already turning in your mind.

Matt beamed at you and tried leaning in for a kiss. You, however, didn’t notice and stepped away to find your phone, leaving him confused.

You opened your notes app and said, “Quick, tell me what you did before you forget.”

Matt could only shake his head in amusement before he dutifully listed everything he had snuck into the batter.

[ar3s-r4t-qu33n]

Idfc if he's real or not, he's still worse written than Eddie. Also the problem is in his fans that are making him no guilty, innocent baby and always refering that Coyle/Eddie/Everybody else im outlast are the same. And if you think it'll work, try to compare Walker (with PTSD after war) with Franco (who is just a sicko). Anyway Barbi's simps are way more agressive than any other fans when you say something bad, what's a fact, about a grown ass man. I feel like those people are just little kids who are getting upset after school and shouldn't play the game ;) When I see all those comments with "He'S mY PoOkIE" I'm getting sick... Ya'll should get a brain

Guys look!! I got one!!

You don't deserve a response, because if you were old enough to be playing Outlast, you would be able to figure out that shaming people for (checks notes) liking a fictional character in a horror series? Is plain stupid.

It would also serve you well to maybe do some spell check before you come into my asks like this. I'd take you more seriously if you maybe drafted this one more time, but here we go:

First of all, you don't know me. You can check out my like, five posts and see that only two of em are Franco related and none of them baby him. In fact, I don't think I've seen a post yet by anyone who says "Franco is a sweet, innocent baby who did no wrong" because... That's the point. He's interesting BECAUSE he's done shit wrong. We are playing Outlast. Everyone is complex and awful and interesting. Just because not every post is marked with a little footnote that says "oh by the way everyone, Franco is a bad, bad man 🥺 I don't support his actions, I'm not a Franco defender, I just wanted to draw him being silly 🥺" doesn't mean we're all out here claiming he's a saint. The fact that he's a fucked up lil guy is why we like him. I feel like that's a given with all Outlast characters? But that's just me after being a fan of this franchise for years now, idk, being able to step back and analyse a community to see what they enjoy about something is quite a fun and easy task, I recommend giving it a try instead of coming into "loser nobody who has been on Tumblr for like a week's" asks to complain to me like I can put all the Franco fans in the corner until they learn to interpret characters the way you have decided is objectively correct.

But even if they are "babying" him and apparently ignoring that this is the Outlast series and Franco is a character from Outlast... Oh no! What horror! Someone is misinterpreting a VIDEO GAME CHARACTER what a terrible and unique crime!

Franco "just a sicko" Barbi was abused and neglected by his father, his mother was murdered, and he only ever received affection after he killed someone. But yeah, he was just born fucked up whereas every other Outlast character earned their trauma and the right to kill the player. What a senseless and just untrue take and I'm sure you know that, you just want to complain because that's all you people like to do. You want to feel morally superior over someone because you don't understand why they feel the way they do instead of just moving on and ignoring them like any other sensible adult would. Because who's actually getting hurt if some people think Franco is their lil Pookie? Is it you? Does it cause you psychic damage? Because last I checked, this is the internet. We are responsible for ourselves, so unless somebody is actually hurting anyone...

Block the Franco tag. You are brave enough to type out this whole message to a stranger online and act morally superior because comparing which video game character deserves the right to kill you is THE most mature thing in the world, so you're definitely brave enough to block the tag and move on.

You are responsible for what you see online, but ESPECIALLY on Tumblr, it is so so easy to hide content you don't want to see, and mind your own business. Quite frankly, I don't care if I come across as aggressive here. You came into my asks about a tag/fandom you clearly aren't in trying to act like you're better than the rest of us. That's pretty damn aggressive, wouldn't you say?

This is Outlast. A game about fucked up guys doing fucked up shit, and we love them for it. If that is too much for you, if the mommy issues gangster is too crazy for you but Eddie and Trager and Knoth and Coyle are completely fine, no questions asked? I don't think this series is for you. Sexual horror is a staple of Outlast. Childhood trauma is a staple of Outlast. You can't be shocked when people respond to a new character in a video game they like.

YOU are not better than me because you like Chris Walker and I like Franco Barbi. I can't believe you need to be told this, we are all in the same uncomfortable freakshow cesspit that is The Outlast Fandom, no one is morally good. No one is better than anyone else. You cannot claim moral superiority over any character because at the end of the day, I can point to Wernicke and say with my full chest that he is objectively the worst because he's a literal nazi, and what then? Are you going to tell me that Franco is worse than a nazi? The debate is over, in the list of "who is the worst of these awful people", Wernicke wins hands DOWN. The point is null because EVERYONE SUCKS HERE!!! THAT'S THE POINT!!!!

Is that enough for you? Or are you gonna keep harassing people through your alts or getting your friends to do it? I can go alllllll day, baby, you ain't making me feel bad about my interests in the O U T L A S T fandom, dear GOD, this is ridiculous. Don't fucking condescend me, telling me to "get a brain" you don't KNOW ME, I am a stranger to you, why do you feel comfortable coming onto my blog harassing me about a video game character? That's not a good look for you and now it is immortalised here. Anonymous or not, you still did this. Whoever you are, you typed that out and sent it to a random person you do not know and felt comfortable enough to do so.

That's weird.

[cnestus]

If you don't mind me asking, what exactly is your job and degree? Getting into the field of entomology is a bit intimidating and I would appreciate any any advice.

i tend to be a little cagey about my exact job since my field is quite small and there's enough people following me that the chances of someone deciding to take offense to something and Get Weird at me are nonzero, but that's probably excessive paranoia on my part. then again beloved internet bug person mossworm got recently sacked from their job on account of weirdo online tattletales so maybe not.

anyway i can say i work for a government agency identifying insects from a pretty wide geographic range, looking for new exotic species and potential pests. during the busy season i spend most of my time processing huge volumes of raw trap samples, pulling out insect groups of interest, mostly woodboring beetles, for myself or one of the other entomologists in the lab to identify to species. during the off-season when we're not getting tons of new samples i get a little more free reign to work on other projects of my own design, so for example lately i've been working on my bee identification skills and am slowly putting together a large reference collection of native bee species that i reserved from years of insect trap by-catch.

i got my PHD in entomology without a specific career in mind but knowing i wanted to do something that wasn't just about developing products and methods for killing unwanted insects which seem like the main entomology jobs anyone wants to fund anymore. in a perfect world i'd love a entomological curation job in a museum but those positions are rare and in-demand and i didn't have the mental fortitude to do the kind of academic work in grad school to make me competitive for that field. but then i went ahead and got a job that lets me do some curatorial work anyway so i sort of won? my position is still at least on paper about controlling unwanted insects but in practice i rarely have to do much of that work, at least directly.

i get semi-regular requests for advice on getting a job as an entomologist and i often feel like i don't have much constructive or encouraging to say, since it's hard not to feel like it's one of the many disciplines being squeezed to death by the iron hand of capitalism. more and more positions in the government and academia are being cut or downsized by bureaucrats who don't see the benefit of taxonomy or any other research that doesn't directly result in their department or some corporation making a bunch of money. whole subdisciplines are dying out as the elder entomologists who were the sole sources of knowledge about them die off. there are entire groups of insects and other arthropods that are effectively impossible to identify to species now because the one taxonomic wizard who specialized on them died without having anyone to pass that knowledge onto. Donald Bright, the only living expert on bark beetles in the preposterously diverse and morphologically subtle genus Pityophthorus, died a few months ago without an heir that i'm aware of.

also most of the taxonomic research that is being done these days is all molecular systematics which i have Opinions about but this post is way too long already.

sorry. that was a bummer. i guess i'm proof that it is still possible to get a job like this today, even if i can't help but feel like it was mostly luck that got me here. plenty of the others in my academic cohort (that didn't burn out from grad school stress) also went on to get degrees in their field of study or at least adjacent to them. and again there are still plenty of entomology jobs in other sectors like agriculture, public health, nonprofits and NGOs and stuff like that. you also don't necessarily need an advanced degree in entomology for a lot of these, and a lot of people in the entomology field came in sideways through related disciplines like ecology, evolutionary science, general biology, or even things like viticulture and forensic science to name a couple examples from my own cohort.

looking back, that was mostly a lot of vague grumbling and not much concrete advice, but to be fair asking for "any advice" is a hard prompt to go off of so i tend to default to the kinds of grim thoughts that are usually rattling round in my brain. i may also be in an especially dour mood at the moment because even though my job isn't to my knowledge at any risk of being eliminated, my lab is currently being passively if not outright antagonized by higher-level bureaucrats for genuinely mysterious reasons and i will not elaborate on that any further for reasons i mentioned at the beginning. anyway! i am always happy to at least attempt to give more specific advice but i can't promise there won't be at least a little grumbling in that as well.

[ladyazulina]

Coming Soon: ✨ My Birthday ✨

Hello.

Would you say we are friends? I guess that term is way too big, mutuals is what we use here, but what would it take for us to be friends, stranger? Would you like us to be?

I'm a weird gal. I'm planning for my birthday. Two years ago I decided to take that day into my own hands and do something nice about it for myself.

I'm part of that percentage of people who actually hate their birthdays but I can't, for the life of me, do like I couldn't care less for the day. Mind you, I also don't allow my loved ones to do the same. In fact, last month was my partner's birthday and He DoEsN't MiNd HiS bIrThDaY bullshit—I planned his whole day and filled him with gifts and gave him the best day ever because such a special day couldn't go unaddressed and he should feel it as special as it actually is. (I'm trying to do the same for friends I hold dear and close to my heart, but forgive me if it takes me some attempts, it's the hardest thing I have ever done.)

Usually, I spend my day bummed, all sad, and if I'm unfortunate enough, eating ice cream (the dessert that fuels my sadness due to past experiences).

Two years ago, it was too short of a planning time, but some online friends accepted my request and half made my day.

A year ago, I spent the day outside actually doing stuff I liked (even though I hate being outside and was awfully depressed).

I was attempting to do an advent calendar this year, but I underestimated how hard it is to fill up.

So, actually, just right now this occurred to me.

First off, this year was supposed to go absolutely different. I was planning to visit my partner and we would spend my birthday, the holidays, and our first anniversary together, but I need to get a VISA and that process hindered all wishes and expectations. So... plan B. (I can't be sadder about it, each passing day it's drilling on me and I want to attempt to break with that as well. But I'm also aware I can't do it alone, hence this long-letter request.)

I don't have the slightest idea what the next months have in store for me, but so far this is it:

The advent calendar would go through a whole month, ending on my birthday (November 20 to December 20).

I would like to do at least a small thing I can fit into my routine / schedule without much fuss, hopefully with someone's company.

Weekends are scheduled to be TTRPG days, I could play a bit alone or with someone, and I'm crafting a list to choose at random which game I will play on which day.

Some things I love are reading and writing, though I can't write in command. I adore world-building and creating characters and I can spend hours rambling (ask my partner). But also, I won't mind spending some hours just talking and meeting someone, socializing isn't my forte, but I still need to go out with it.

I want to save December 19 to receive all the well wishes people want to give me, whichever way, and receive all the gifts (if there are any) on December 20 while I'm busy starting the day reading those wishes.

I do not need gifts, I'm a simple girl, but I feel like I need people to actively seek me on the day, I dunno why. I guess receiving the wishes the day prior and reading on the day could help, so that's one. And the whole month prior to actually scheduling small moments with friends and family could help palliate the possible loneliness of the day, they would have already spent some time with me during the days I put apart precisely for that... I don't know, I believe it could make sense, but don't ask me.

Anyway, I think I used all my words already. If you have seen me someday or if you just recently did (here) and want to apart a small time with me, to talk, to meet, to hopefully be friends or get close, if you want to do me this favor and be a part of this, thank you so much 💙 We can talk and schedule, see what to do, or you can just send me wishes on December 19 and if you want I can answer you back and start going from there or something, or anything, or nothing. I have all my days empty.

Now I'm actually feeling stupid doing this, but I will post it anyway because for some reason it came to me and I never know what could come from this.

[kaisers-house-of-desires]

I FIGURED OUT THE THING-

Anyways, may I request a Draken x skateboarder male reader? Specifically a fluff fic please!

I do hope you enjoy~!

Title: Drinks for Two

Characters: Draken x Skateboarder!m!Reader

Contains: fluff <3

Fandom: Tokyo Revengers

Full request below the cut

All characters are 18+

MINORS, FEM ALIGNED, AGELESS/BLANK BLOGS DNI (This may not be smut, but I still want the above to be followed)

Reblogs > likes

"Yo! Kenny~!"

Rolling up to Draken, who was sitting on a park bench with his phone, you slowly looped around him, maintaining perfect balance on your skateboard despite your hands in your pockets as you faced him with a dopey grin. You had to turn forward to gently kick up for speed, but you kept the trick going. "Fancy seeing you here~"

"I texted you," Draken chuckled, sliding his phone away as he carefully watched your dizzying trick. "You even responded to it."

"Oohhh right!" You stopped your board, taking your phone out as if you genuinely forgot. "I did!"

With a huffed chuckle, Draken stood up, hands in his pockets as you stopped in front of him on your board. "So, ready to go?"

You stepped off your board, kicking it up into your hand as you confirmed. "All set!"

---

The coffee shop was bustling, but that didn't stop you two from getting your coffees and sitting outside in the spring weather. The two of you discussed different things, from Draken informing you of how Mikey has been, to you telling of a dream where your favorite fictional character stole your cup ramen while you weren't looking.

The two of you had been quite busy since your last date, with Draken helping Mikey with the gang and you focused on your college studies, you two had at least agreed to put time aside today to have a lunch date starting with coffee.

"So how are those studies?" Draken asked, sipping his slightly sweetend beverage.

After taking a sip of your drink, you groaned, sitting back in your seat. "I have an assignment due online in a couple days, but I swear that teacher didn't cover any of those questions in class! He gave us one formula to use, but the assignment has something else completely!"

Draken chuckled, looking over at you with a smile. "Can't you just search those questions? I heard there's websites that the teachers actually rip from."

It was like you were given the grace of God herself, sitting up faster than you slouched back. "You're kidding..."

"Nope. I've heard if you put the question into a search engine, usually the first two results or so should take you to a site where the whole assignment is. They should have the answers on them, and some should show the work so you should be able to copy from that if you really need to."

Dramtically, you placed your torso on the table arms extended as if you were bowing, careful to avoid your coffee. "I owe you my education." Draken couldn't help but rest a hand on his chin, propping himself up on his elbow as he gazed down at you with such admiration. When he didn't say anything, you slowly sat up, feeling a bit awkward from his gaze. "Wh-What are you looking at?"

"I'm looking at this adorable, one brain cell having guy before me," he replied.

Feeling a blush creep up on your face, you furrowed your brows, hiding your face behind a sleeve as you gazed away. "Sh-Shut up. You don't mean that..."

"That you have one braincell?"

"That...I'm adorable." Let's be real, you never really minded his playfully teasing nicknames for you. It was whenever he complimented you that felt like a lie.

"Okay, then not adorable. But...you're so cool, so badass. I mean, look at you." At this point, you were fiddling with the hem of your beanie, eyes darting back and forth between him and at something nondescript in the distance. "You have this style that's just...wow. And your skating tricks? Down right incredible. How on earth did I get so lucky to snag someone as cool as you?"

This praise was just too much but...you weren't complaining either. You had to admit, that despite your feelings whenever he called you "adorable", you always felt this sense of pride when he complimented other aspects of you. Though this was almost like an overload but in a good way.

You tugged your beanie down in front of you, mostly to hide the red that was trying to spread on your face. "H-Hey! Isn't the sushi place opening soon?! W-We should get going s-so we can get a good seat."

Draken chuckled as he finished off his coffee, tossing it into the nearby trashcan from where he sat before standing and heading off. "Yeah, c'mon, you tomato."

"I-I'm not a tomato!" you argued, quickly following him before dropping your board to the ground and hopping on it, rolling past him with a shit eating grin that read "race ya!"

[gojonanami]

Hi Sab, I just wanted to remind you that an immense amount of people appreciate you and enjoy your work. Everyday, I'm so grateful that you've put out so many high quality pieces for free. Don't listen to the haters.

It's really unfortunate that there are people online who are genuinely nasty to the people who create so many nice pieces and post them online for us to enjoy for free. It genuinely boggles my mind. You and 3aem are two of my favourite creators on this platform, and during this time it seems like haters are attacking you both pretty badly under the disguise of "giving advice".

Unsolicited advice is never welcomed. If the author/creator asks for it, then advice can be given. But most people who post online do so out of passion for their work and also as an escape from the stress of the real world. I remember a few years ago back when I was writing and posting my fanfic online, one commenter kept commenting and giving me hate (with swears and all caps on their keyboard lmao), and then gave me "advice" a few chapters later and when I told them that their unsolicited advice (and all the previous hate) was rude, they were like "you shouldn't expect people to hold your hand and constantly kiss up to you. you should grow up and learn how to take criticism" (lmao dwdw i replied with a whole ass essay about how rude they were being, and i had the last word, so ha 😛). But anyways, the point of this story I guess is that some people are genuinely entitled assholes who try to tear you down. Don't listen to those people. They're crazy.

Many hugs Sab <3 i hope you're doing well. I know you're super busy, and things have been rough, but just remember that so many people love you and appreciate you. Things do eventually get better <3

babe this is so so sweet of you and I appreciate you so much — truly.

yeah I know! I really don’t understand why people attack others for just simply being and creating — and just some of these people I just wonder who hurt them so bad that they felt like taking it on some internet stranger?

ugh I’m so sorry you’ve been subjected to hate as well — it’s so dumb — these people clearly haven’t posted before or if they have, they didn’t get the response they wanted and they’re mad. truly it was so funny (maybe not funny haha) but the shit they were saying was similar to what I was already telling myself so it didn’t even hurt, I was just wondering who brought my inner demon to life hahahaha

I truly cannot express how much this ask meant to me. I love you and I hope you’re having the wonderful week you deserve for being so lovely — you’re literally the best 🥹💕🫶

[theheirofthesharingan]

Hi, same anon as before. After looking all day I found the panel in original Japanese version

http://blog-imgs-45.fc2.com/y/a/m/yamaharbx6jm/moblog_7d893b7f.jpg

And Itachi says exactly "もうこの世界に 未練はない", which, according to Google Translate means "There are no regrets in this world anymore". So, I know an online translator is not to be trusted blindly, but it does not seem to look like Itachi meant "I regret nothing, bitches, deal with it" as people seem to interpret. He either means "I saved Konoha, so I don't have to regret the suffering this war may have led to" or "I did my job saving Konoha, there is no point with me staying here and suffering for the things I did". Or he feels somehow responsible for the 4rth Ninja War because he worked in Akatsuki, helped collect the tailed beasts and also led Sasuke to do so, so he is like "I put an end to the war in the end, so I have no more regrets". But regrets about that, not about all he did wrong to Sasuke.

Those are the only things that make sense if we take into account Itachi was answering Sasuke when he asks "then you will leave too?" as Itachi was dispelling the Endo Tensei. It makes no sense he would just say something so hurtful to Sasuke after being remorseful for the whole fight and then go back to being sorry again and telling him he will love him always. I also checked French and Spanish translations and all them them translate that panel as "I have no further links to this world" and I even found an English translation that goes like this too here https://64.media.tumblr.com/58f88f0e4e3a0fe1512a61eeec7fdade/tumblr_inline_nwbrtoz58T1tthc3o_500.png

Not sure if all these are official translations or fanmade, though. Anyway, Itachi very obviously and painfully regretted what he did, I think you have to be blind to not get that.

Thank you so much for providing the penal in the original language. I checked the translation in several other translation tools and none of them leave it barely at "I have no more regrets". Makes me wonder why the English sub and dub as well as manga translation did this. And if I've been cursing Kishimoto for no reason because what he wanted to say was different from what got translated in English. Since most of the audience we interact are English speaking this spread like wildfire and hate for Itachi is quite paramount on this website it only worked as a catalyst for people to justify their hate.

Anyway, one of the tools I checked into translated this:

There is no more unfinished business in this world.

This is how it translates into my own mother-tongue as well. It's also closer to the ones that you've mentioned. These are the translated words that most tools translated when I checked.

The second translation was this:

I have no more regrets, no more regrets for this world.

(italicized emphasis is mine)

It does translate to 'I have no more regrets' but there's more to it, too. The context of both the phrases is quite similar.

He either means "I saved Konoha, so I don't have to regret the suffering this war may have led to" or "I did my job saving Konoha, there is no point with me staying here and suffering for the things I did". Or he feels somehow responsible for the 4rth Ninja War because he worked in Akatsuki, helped collect the tailed beasts and also led Sasuke to do so, so he is like "I put an end to the war in the end, so I have no more regrets". But regrets about that, not about all he did wrong to Sasuke.

Given the new translation and the context it seems plausible that this is exactly what he meant. Translation into one language from another usually loses a lot of depth and nuance and this seems to be one of those instances. Quite like Itachi's final words before his first death in English were translated as only 'this is it' but the better translation is 'this is the end' or 'it ends with this'. 'This is it' loses the poetry of the moment, though it still is just as heartbreaking. But again both manga and anime in English go with these words.

True, Itachi bitterly regretted what he put Sasuke through. I've said this many times before - Itachi wasn't deluded about his actions or what he was doing to Sasuke. He didn't have the 'oh, I messed up so bad' moment because what he did was precisely his intent. His actions are morally wrong when you look at them objectively but characters in a story never react in accordance with the objectivity and morality audience applies depending upon its own experiences and biases on fiction. Just like all other characters, who reacted to the horrible circumstances in a violent way, Itachi did too. He was also shaped by his own life. And at the end of the day, he owned up to all he'd done rather than looking for excuses or wanting to justify himself.

It takes a lot more than just guilt to fuel the willpower he required to prolonge his life when he was terminally ill. No one regretted the things they did more than Itachi did. Some of it was his own doing and most of it was the circumstances he was pushed into. He never needed to be told he was wrong. He may or may not have acted differently from how he did, because of his experiences, but he never made excuses for them and lived and died with the same resolution.

[shipcestuous]

To the anon dealing with hate comments:

Unfortunately, if you're getting a sudden influx of them, it's indeed possible that someone might have shared your work. It happened to me once, when someone put me on a list of "problematic writers" in a certain fandom, complete with screenshots of my fics. Thankfully, in my case, I was apparently not popular enough to "deserve" much more than a couple of rather uninspired insults in my inbox. The whole died down pretty quickly after that, and I can only hope they'll stop bothering you soon, like they did with me.

Anyway, from what you said, it sounds like you're already being very sensible in your reactions: moderating your comments is a very good choice when you know that having them under something you wrote would only upset you, and so is not engaging with those commenters. There's so way to make them stop, not unless you disable comments entirely and wait some time before enabling them again, and I totally understand why you might not want to do that... but they will get bored, eventually, especially if you don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they're affecting you in any negative ways. Just hold done, and know that you're the person behaving in a mature, effective way in this situation!

That said, I can't recommend enough venting to your friends, especially if they're fandom/Online friends or they're otherwise familiar with fandom/online spaces, or even just to people you get along well with in fandom/online spaces. Knowing there's someone out there who agrees with you and supports you goes a long way: even when you do already know you didn't anything wrong, having someone look in from the outside and confirm it to you, as well as listen to you express yourself, can be very validating and even cathartic.

Of course, this is assuming that you have someone in your life who you can trust not to judge you for shipping incest, whether they share your interest or not. I'd never suggest you come out, so to say, to someone when you don't feel comfortable or safe touching the subject with. But people you can be a bit vaguer with and trust not to press you for details, who will hear, for example, "some people are targeting me and my story with hate comments because they don't like the ship I write for", and simply say "wow, those people sound like jerks, they should just mind their own business and leave you alone!", can also be a great help.

Worse come to worse, venting on anon on safe spaces like this blog (btw, thanks for awesomeness, Astrid!) might already be a good first step.

I know this might all sound obvious, but I find that sometimes, "obvious" things are the last ones we think about in these situations. Sometimes we think "oh, yeah, I already know that I shouldn't let the haters get to me, that's a given, but I should focus on more practical things now" but really we only "know" it on an intellectual level and fail to internalize it, while feeling deep down inside us that it would be too "immature" to fully express our emotions and ask someone else for understanding and validation or even just a chance to talk about what's happening in detail.

... also, this is something rather personally that I understand won't work for everyone else, but I think spitefics can be a healthy way to let off some steam. Sure, you should write for yourself and not because you're focusing on what someone else might want or not want from you, but there can be a sense of affirmation and pride in saying "oh, you hate when I write this? You think I should stop writing it? Well, I'll just write even more of it, then!" Don't go gifting these works to the people harassing you or mistagging them so more people will see them, obviously, but they can be a way to turn an upsetting experience into an effort to tap into your creativity and even pamper yourself, putting yourself and what you love first as a shield against the negativity you've been subjected to. One time, I was told there was something wrong with me that I need therapy for and that my writing was a sad waste of talent, all because I'd decided to explore some very dark themes and dynamics in a clearly fictional context, and I used that comment to find the motivation I needed to write an even darker story that I had been considering for a while and post almost right after the first one. And you know what? Working on that second story felt good, because I was putting a lot of passion and care into it, and then posting it was so satisfying, like saying "you know what? You can say whatever you want. You won't make me feel bad about myself. You won't make feel guilty about something I have all the right to do. Take your backhanded compliments and don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out."

As for why antis do what they do... I think there might be a few different reasons. Frustration in their everyday lives leading them to pose as "saviors" protecting more vulnerable people in online spaces. A need for control or an ego boost because they feel helpless and insignificant in other aspects of their lives. Naivety and an insecurity that brings them to look for "strong," loud people to tell them how to act and what to think and give them a sense of purpose and of being always on the "good side" in the case of the "follower" types. Depending on the fandom, some instinctive feeling of being threatened by other cultures and customs. And then, of course, some of them simply enjoy being bullies.

[x]

Thank you so much, Anon, that's a really helpful response for all of us.

I can't believe you were singled out in a fandom for being a problematic writer, that's awful. The antis truly are incredible. They definitely protected more people than they hurt by doing that (!)/s.

I got a negative comment just two or three days ago (on Wordpress not on AO3) and those kinds of things really do get under your skin no matter how much you understand, on an intellectual level, that the one posting hurtful comments is the one in the wrong.

To work hard on something and then to excitedly post it and to have all of these good feelings about sharing it, only to receive something negative in return, it's rough.

Another thing to remember is, like you said, Anon, the antis get tired and go away, but the works we're all producing endure, and for people who like them and are interested in them, they'll have value forever. A good fic is a good fic forever. Long after the antis are gone, people will be reading and enjoying our stuff. And for every vocal anti there are countless silent lurkers.

And I'm sure there are people on AO3 who don't kudos on certain fics because they don't want their username associated with it, and I'm sure we're all guilty of not leaving as many comments as we wish we had.

[muffinrecord]

Himena's magical girl story was really good but also really terrifying and I don't mean the part where Himena tells Sasha, "If you wanted me to, I would kill your uncle for you tee-hee."

The earlier bits where she has anxiety about if her friends were leaving her was absolutely anxiety-inducing for me, but mostly because... I've had friends like this and we do not mix whatsoever. Personally, I'm the kind of person who needs her space. If I couldn't hang out with someone and they sent me a thousand texts and phone calls: that would be the last time I'd ever talk to them because you bet your ass I'd be afraid of them. The Hiko bits in particular made it hard to watch. It was suffocating!

I think Hiko genuinely loves her, probably. But god. Imagine if he wanted to escape her and was lightly rebuffing her this whole time out of politeness, then he started getting bullied... and then things got worse, and he couldn't escape his bullies or Himena. Then he commits suicide to escape the whole situation. AND THEN SHE BRINGS HIM BACK IN HER FUCKING BRAIN.

This is peak nightmare fuel for me specifically. Being stuck in someone's head. Without my permission. Forever. I'd beg Himena to kill me again a second time, probably.

Oh but to add, I stand by my earlier comments on Himena, that I don't think she's a bad person. Like for me she is terrifying, but that's cause of my own issues specifically. I think she's a person who really needs therapy and validation. I think she's been alone and ostracized and surrounded by fake friends for a long time, and it's led her to a lot of pain. She's so scared of going back into that whirlwind of pain that she's willing to do anything, be anything, as long as she never feels it again. And I think that's a very human thing to feel, whether it means you're scared of losing people or if you're scared of being around them.

I have a few thoughts that she might have Borderline Personality Disorder but... that one can get stigmatized badly and I hate to put that on the character that tried to genocide all of Kamihama at one point. BPD gets enough shit online, I don't want to add on "hey this homicidal character looks like u lol," you know? :/

She also seems very teenager to me, and not just in the manner she speaks. Girl hasn't experienced enough of life yet to realize that sometimes people are just busy and it's not all about you. I mean that in the kindest way possible.

...

Actually, having said that-- you know, there are a loooot of people online who dislike Himena, who act like Hikos. But having met a few of them, they tend to have a lot more in common with Himena than with Hiko-- particularly with that self-centeredness. If you don't talk to them every day, they think you hate them and lash out and want to hate you more. Anything you do is a sign meant for them to interpret. That sort of thing.

It makes me wonder if (some of) the Himena haters look at her and see an aspect of themselves that they don't like.

Anyways, I definitely recommend watching her Magical Girl Story. Some parts of it feel a little exposition-y, but it's all good and it's an interesting dive into her brain. I'd actually be really interested to hear from someone who can relate to her more than I can and what they think of her MGS.

[lunar-years]

Argh it makes me so mad, that could have been the perfect time to finally save the waste of time plot of the pr business, I have no idea what the writers were thinking, did they really think they were doing something good by devoting a huge chunk of screen time of the football show with all of their fave characters to just one of the characters on her own failing to do the thing she is good at. It could have been the moment for Keeley to finally show her PR talent we know she had, to make some big meaningful post online about body autonomy and respect, to decide by herself to go for it without Jack and her money. Instead no, she tells a few people she isn't ashamed (great, as she shouldn't be, That at least is the Keeley we love) then does nothing until one person in her life apologises and doesn't act like it was her fault. Then she continues to do nothing and gets dumped by Jack. It could have finally made that whole plot line have a point, but no!

I know very little about Keeley Hazell but since people say she has a similar background to Keeley-the-character and was one of the inspirations for Keeley, it boggles my mind that SHE wrote that episode. Like...what? 😭

anyway yeah it's definitely one of the episodes I most had a problem with in s3. The only two things I really like about it is that it absolutely did showcase Juno's acting chops (the weight of her emotions are SO visceral in that episode and that's all thanks to Juno, she did amazingly with material that, let's face it, was pretty shit) as well as Jamie showing up for her + the JamieKeeley hug. But even both of those pros could have been SO much more impactful if they'd written the episode better.

Then there's the stuff I didn't mind in itself because it was in-character bad (or in Jamie's case, misguided) behavior in an intentional way (imo) which is the comment from Roy, Jamie apologizing for something that very much wasn't his fault, and Jack being a jackass. However, I came to mind them later because:

Roy needed to name that mistake in his big apology letter to Keeley or else it doesn't work. Why the fuck did they have him say it then. Ughhhh. It's so shitty that they never have him state WHAT the hell he's apologizing for, not even just about this but about everything to do with the breakup (i mean, if we want to talk about accountability....)

Meanwhile Jamie getting his wires crossed about accountability in that way makes sense for him as a character, and I also do not necessarily think it's Keeley's job to reassure and comfort him there, and I further understand why she wasn't in the right state to do so, anyway. But there should have been some follow-up afterwards where it's made clear it WASN'T JAMIE'S FAULT!! i can't begin to tell you how much I loathe that the prevailing narrative online the next day was "🥺awww Jamie's finally taking responsibility for his actions and finding accountability!!🥺" gross. Jamie was a victim of the leak, too.

i have the minority opinion of not really minding that they made Jack a rich entitled bitch who cares more about her own optics than she does Keeley. 🤷‍♀️ But it was admittedly really hard to watch Keeley beg Jack to take her back an episode later. And the fuck of it all is that i don't even necessarily think that is out of character for Keeley (she's clearly in very bad shape mentally at that point), but the fact that her headspace is never made explicit or explored in any meaningful way...atrocious! what's the point of putting her into these situations if we don't even get a deep dive into her head about it. ugh.

And then there's the stuff that was just straight up stupid and or horrible to watch, like Keeley being bad at her job for some reason and that truly terrible rebecca keeley scene and the even more terrible after school special locker room psa where the players delete every photo they've ever put on their phones 🙄

[victimeyez]

Me and my buddy stumbled on your writing andnow we're hate reading just to see how low you're willing to go for the shock factor. So far the Enema Bag Shiver is the funniest, it has turned into our favorite character so far, but the #1 is still the toddler costume for the pedophile implications. To be honest its brave you included that in a story all about kinks you personally have :D Anyway I'm sure its important to the plot too. Keep up the good work. Looking forward to saturday :)

Idk man, kinda sounds like you're my biggest fan.

This story has not been updated regularly until very recently, and It's been ongoing for almost a year. Are you on my taglist? Would you like to be?

I'm not sure how you would stumble across my content. No one has a strictly My Little Pony blog and then randomly reblogs my work. Everything I write is tagged to hell and back, and is exclusively shared within the whump community. Obviously something attracts you to whump, and I write whump. My blog is labeled Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. If you look in the bag and yell at me that you find a dead dove in there, that's not on me.

You have to be actively checking my blog, because you've sent me multiple anon messages, and check to see if I've answered them. When I don't within a few days, you still want my attention so you send more. You want to read the story, and you openly enjoy it, but you're having a hard time reconciling the judgement you make on me with the fact that you genuinely like my content. So you eagerly read it, but send me anon hate so you can still give yourself a big pat on the back and feel like you have a moral superiority. Your case isn't special. It is incredibly common, and certainly nothing new.

What if you could just enjoy the things you like? There's a whole community here that shares your interests and has fun interacting with it. You don't have to put it on your resume, but there's a space here that is appropriate for it. It involves sensitive content, sure, whump is a facet of horror. Torture scenes are incredibly common, even in mainstream media. Game of Thrones featured graphic rape scenes and incest, yet it has unbelievable mainstream appeal. It's okay to like content that involves mature themes and touches on sensitive topics, and the majority of people do.

A lot of people have a hard time being genuine about their interests, whether they carry a taboo or are just considered cringe. I realized years ago that by owning the things I enjoy, no one can hurt me with it. I was a superwholock teenager to the core. I am bad at ice skating and swimming! I'm a fat little boy and I dance funny!!! When you refuse to be ashamed, other people have no power over you. In fact, they start to feel more comfortable being themselves around you, too.

I'm not stooping to anything. I'm an adult with a busy life, who chose to post my writing online, fully knowing the possible consequences, and being fine with them. I have made interactive elements of the story so people can vote for what they want to see - and when I listed the crazy BDSM couple Lisa and Mark, they won the poll by a landslide. There are plenty of people who can distinguish fiction from the author's core morals, and I'm not interested in pandering to anyone who doesn't.

The shock value comment is interesting - if I'm just trying to shock people, why would I hold back? Why didn't I write a whole disgusting scene with the enema? Why have I stated that I will not be writing any kind of age play scenes in this series? There is a plot, character arcs, backstories... Sarge could not be more of a parody unless I had him wear a shirt that said "I am a caricature of the american military industrial complex, republican politics, imperialism, and the intersection it finds with men who struggle socially and turn to red pilled reddit and toxic masculinity as a balm". Seems a bit on the nose, though. Do you think all content that involves horror or mature content is only designed to shock?

If you think I've got this all wrong, and I'm a huge pretentious asshole, that doesn't change anything for me. But you have committed yourself an awful lot to something you supposedly hate. Why don't you just stop reading? You won't even come off of anon, because you know I'd just block you and move on, and I think you would be upset if you couldn't read it anymore. I'm just another freak on the internet, right? Block me and move on. Prove me wrong. Throw a party that you trumped me and won. Feel superior. Do a backflip. Good for you buddy. Or maybe tell me, who actually is your favorite character?

TLDR; you wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid

[bosskie]

Did That Bosskie Guy Burn Down His Own Blog?

Man... Honestly, I don't know how to start this post, but as you might have noticed, I have hidden all my posts on my blog (they can be restored). I didn't plan to even write this this soon, or even at all, since I'm not begging for any attention here, but this situation is probably the reason for my headache as it started on Valentine's Day (you know if you know, don't mean to accuse though) and it seemed to end soon after I started writing this post on Saturday... I do not like to make posts without any images, but welp, adding one doesn't feel right for this one... I'm not even entirely sure why I decided to privatize my posts... I just felt like I had to do it... But it doesn't mean that this is the end. I just need some time... So, this is more like a timeout. How long one it is, I cannot say... It can be only some weeks or even months.

But I can try to explain myself here, though I never really assume that people read my stuff or are interested in my stuff or me in general... I'm always genuinely surprised when someone expresses that they like my stuff... But well, just in case at least. And yes, even this post is some "serious business", I couldn't help but add a Molluck reference as the title... I'll talk about Molluck here too, since well, you know that I cannot shut up about him... (This is a long post... Search can help.) But back to the "meat" of this post:

*****

I have been trying to think hard how to "recover" from this situation I have caused with my actions... No, I don't feel any better after I did this and it was actually a painful decision, but I still felt like I have to do it. I have known for a long time that hiding my posts won't make things better, but welp, I was also curious to see if my "hypothesis" was right, since yeah, sometimes I act like some "mad scientist"... Just do stuff out of curiosity... It did kill the cat, but knowledge is power, so it's worth the risk. (Whatever I'm trying to say with this...)

But the reasons why I ended up doing this are actually much more complicated than that... Though yes, my curiosity was one reason but it's like the simplest one... Those reasons have long roots, over a decade old. I didn't grow up in the best possible environment... Even my family gave me a loving and caring environment at home, the world outside of it, well, I could even say broke me. I do not say that lightly. The more I have been thinking this, the more I have understood how much my old home town affected me... But well, I also felt abandoned online... Both of those worlds didn't seem to want me... I have felt loneliness and anxiety that feels like someone stabbed your heart...

All my so called friends left me IRL and online at the same time, after I found my identity. I was too different... I have never identified with the people of my age, never felt like I actually belong to some social group. I grew up without a friendship, without really anyone to talk to. I have been avoided because of a fear of getting "branded" if one is seen being with me. I have been like some "tourist attraction", people saying "that's that" when they saw me. Yeah, I have been like some alien, an outsider. (Words about me were spread and unknown people knew about me, basically whole town.) I do not even wanna put my birthday to anywhere since I have an awful memory related to it that can still makes me cry, even it happened over a decade ago, which made me later hide my birthday... One year, all my online friends stopped wishing me happy birthday all the sudden, even they did it a year before it... I was shocked... It made me think that they didn't really care about me, and I didn't know why... I still kept wishing some of them happy birthday, even they didn't do so to me anymore... Though, I rarely talked to them anyway since I was so unsure if they wanted to talk to me or not... I felt like they already have "better friends" than me... I didn't want bother anyone with my existence... And my worry with this has been quite bad... At one point, it gave me anxiety to even use the bus since the bus driver had to make some effort to pick me up and let out, especially when I was the only one at the stop... It took me years to get rid of it, but I still sometimes need to remind myself of that they are just doing their job, they get paid for serving me...

I have always had problems with understanding relationships, even family ones... I never really knew if someone was really my friend or not since I had no idea how to define it... It's something so abstract... For this reason it can be difficult for me to attach anyone, though with my regular suicidal thoughts it's also difficult since they make me hope that no one knew me, so that no one stopped me from, you know... I do not wish to cause any sorrow to anyone... I'm just in such a pain that thinking about death as my freedom has literally helped me to keep going... Yes, it can sound like a paradox, but I have been thinking it as "an emergency exit" if I cannot take it anymore. It really gives me peace. I do not understand how people seem to live like they live forever since I prefer to think that I'm only living for a few years... I do not think my life longer than that, and the truth is that you have a chance to die every single day, something sudden can just happen. I just see the fragility of life and live it in my mind.

I see hidden spiritual meanings in some coincidences (e.g. the time when I got into Oddworld), and I have seen pieces of the future in my dreams qnd could have been able to predict things well, with my intuition or had some feelings. Just saying this since it affects my thinking significantly, and I cannot deny the existence of spiritual world because of my experiences. I knew the existence of it by myself and remember wanting to know who I was in my previous life when I was a child, like 6 or something, the age when you start to forget your previous life if you happened to remember it. Well, I still don't know, but I hope that I don't born again after this life... I want my old soul to get the final peace. Frankly, I was actually afraid of that someone makes a post about me taking my blog down on Valentine's Day since maybe people would assume me to make something for it and therefore come to check my blog... My intuition was right. But I have never done anything for Valentine's here, since 1) I barely care about special events/days, and 2) in Finland, we got "Friend's Day" (= ystävänpäivä), so we more like remember our friends on that day but also our loved ones in general, like family too, but since I got used to be without friends and I have difficulties with receiving love, being loved, whole day more like gives me anxiety...

People leaving me in silence basically destroyed my trust in people, especially when they said that they do care about me... This is why I have, well, could even say serious trust issues with people since I still have difficulties with believing in that people actually care about me. My imposter syndrome gives its own twist into this since I feel like people who say that they care about me or like my stuff haven't just seen "the real me". So, I do not think that people lie to me when they say that they like my stuff, but I just feel like those people do not see the truth... I feel like I'm like trying hard to make people see how crappy I am by having all this negative self-talk, telling people how I'm not worth caring about, saying how my art sucks...

I do not know how to really heal... I keep feeling like I'm too broken to be fixed, too different for this world... I live in pain every single day... I'm getting so tired of this, and I see that my condition do is getting worse... But I cannot afford the help I needed... I'm also too tired to find the right therapist for me, yet I do not even know if my life is worth saving... I'm not telling the whole story here since I got also other "pain sources" than these, just what you could "need" to know to understand my situation somehow. But this situation just makes me consider more and more ending my life... I keep losing my interest in things and people... I wish that it wasn't like this, but I feel like I just keep dying, faster than I should I mean (we all are closer to our death every day)... I have been waiting for my death for over a decade, the right moment... I'm this suicidal that it's even "normal" at this point for me think about suicide regularly, meaning almost daily... Why I'm still here? It's the right moment. I just do not wish to cause my family sorrow since it would destroy especially my mother... But at the same time, I think that I'm living only for myself, so they are only "fools" for loving me, like it's only their own fault if my suicide causes sorrow to them, like they couldn't see "the truth" of me. Yes, this is how my awful mind tries to destroy obstacles on my way to suicide...

My mind really wants me to believe that loving me is "a sin", something wrong. I haven't really let my family to love me freely since my mental health issues started, like hug or touch me in general, because I have felt like I'm not worth it... That I'm not worth loving... I see how it has damaged me... Though, I don't know if it's because of this or what but touch doesn't even feel good... But at the same time, I know that it's what I would need... Well, at least Molluck's touch makes me feel good, but is it because it's all my imagination... But the thing is still that I made myself to basically grow up without touch... This reminds me of that one baby test, the Frederick's experiment, where babies without the touch died... Loving touch is important... My experience of being abandoned and "an alien" just hit me so badly that I started to believe that this world didn't want me and my family just cannot see the truth, they cannot truly love me, no one can... I still believe that way...

Even I do love Molluck with my whole heart, it can be difficult for me to imagine receiving his love because I do not think that I'm lovable, worth loving... There are rare moments when I can enjoy his love but most of the time it's "unconscious"... At the same time, I can feel like I shouldn't be loved, but then I also know that I need love... I can want Molluck to be by my side, but at the same time, I can think that I'm not worth being with... I feel how it hurts Molluck... How it's painful for him that I cannot see anything lovable about me, making me tell him that I'm not worth his love, suggest him to turn me into his next meat product so that I had some worth at last... Yes, my self-esteem is terrible. Sometimes, when I take my trash out, I think that I should put myself to the trash bin too since I'm just some human trash... It's like almost impossible for me to say anything positive about myself... Welp, I have been told that identity is based on relationships, and well, when you lack of them and people treat you like some alien, this is the result...

When I think about my situation, I tend to feel like I should end my life, feel much self-hatred... Thinking about the sorrow I would cause to my family with it doesn't really help me anymore still, but for some reason, my mind does not deny that Molluck loves me... It's like only Molluck saw "the true me" while all real living humans only see a lie... It makes no sense but knowing what I explained previously makes it make sense... Well, it's a big thing that I still have something that keeps me alive since my interest in things just keeps shrinking...

*****

Frankly, I do not know what to think of people caring about me, and it's making me feel self-hatred too... I feel so broken, too broken... I really don't know... At the same time, it touches me, but then I feel like I'm not worth it and try to make people go away, even I do not wish to be all alone but for suicidal reasons... It has never been that I don't want to interact with people here. That I have disabled reblogs is just because I do not like them and never have. I'm probably quite alone with this but I just do not like reblogs... I do not like the technical implementation of them, and I hate to see my stuff on someone else's blog. Simple as that. I have been afraid of that people mistake it for a sign of that I do not wish to interact, and well, one person proved me right with this... So, again, you do are free to interact with me but I just cannot stand reposting my stuff, which reblogs do are. I do realize that everything you post online starts to live its own life, are out of your control, but at least there are some copyright laws and such (I have taken down my content archived/reposted by others, years ago, so I do know). Yes, I have over a decade long history as a content creator, but this is currently the only place where I post or have my content now. I'm quite used to treat my content, well, coldly since I basically wish that the stuff I create is just forgotten soon and doesn't start to live its own life... It's actually quite difficult to be a content creator with my condition.

I keep feeling like my content sucks, even when people say that they enjoy my content... I only see my flaws and mistakes... Like, when I look at my Molluck art right now, I see them all being like sketches, no single proper work... I do not like it... I feel like I do not wish to restore all my posts since some Mollucks just look so terrible... But do I even really, like really, like any of my pieces? No. Yes, I have said that I like some artworks of mine but after some times, even just after one day, I can start to dislike it... I start to see flaws I didn't notice before... Though yes, I like my Molluck stuff I do not even post the most, but it makes no difference still since why I like it more is because, well, it's something "useful" and makes me feel stuff... Yes, I'm talking about the Molluck porn I make, though I also mean my self-insert stuff in general since it can make me feel good, seeing how Molluck would be happy to be with me... I just, um, want that Gluk every single day... He is my gate to the Heaven on Earth/Oddworld. (I mean multiple things with this, heh. Why I keep making these "cryptic sentences"...)

But why I don't interact myself? Well, I'm used to be just an observer, since I got used to that role IRL, and I keep feeling like I ruin everything I touch... So, yeah, it's something I'm not used to (because my environment was avoidant toward me) and I do not want to ruin anything... Therefore, I can even wish that I do not inspire anyone or that people don't use my works as models since I do not wish people to repeat my flaws and mistakes... My only reference material is official Molluck stuff, so I recommend that as well. Though yes, I cannot prevent this, don't even want since again, I do not wish to affect people... I also personally find my art boring and uninspiring, so it really surprises me to hear that my art is inspiring... I seriously had no clue... I really feel like my content is dull, boring, uninspiring, unimaginative, repetitive, uninteresting, crappy... These same feelings made me take down all my content before I started this blog, and there was like a year without me posting anything online. So yeah, nothing has changed... "History repeats itself, yet again". (Did you read this with the same voice as I did?)

I made a conscious decision that I do not follow anyone or like posts here. But I do "stalk" what you are doing, just manually since following only automates it. I tend to feel like it probably doesn't even matter if I interact with people or not since the others are doing it already and I do not wish to break/ruin anything or bother anyone... Due to my previous experiences, I'm used to feel like people probably do not even wish that I interact with them... Even I left my old home town, it never left me... I mean, it's difficult to realize that not all places are like that, that there is actually people that would like to interact with me... I tend to assume that people hate me or something... And since Molluck seems to be hated, you know how, it can also make me feel like maybe people also hate me and want to avoid me, especially when I also identify with Molluck... I have also heard that I can seem intimidating or scary, be bossy and stuff... So, my self-esteem is such a dunghill for reasons... But I do have heard lots of positive feedback about myself too, but it feels like it doesn't matter to my awful mind... It's sad even to me... I have been reading through some positive words of yours to me recently, but my mind just keeps telling me that you see a lie, do not know "the true me", or have already changed your mind, wouldn't say the same again now... It does its best to falsify everything positive toward/about me... Like my fate was only to be hated, a failure, waste... Ill side of my mind really hates me...

I really don't know how I would be so awful person that it would be even "wrong" to love me... My experiences just "programmed" me to think that I'm not lovable, even my home was loving... Sadly, I have no idea how to program myself to the opposite direction, only if I was a computer... I have read how one could achieve that but it's challenging and my ill mind tends to laugh at me whenever I try to search for help... That I'm not worth helping... It feels like that feeling just gets stronger and stronger... I keep telling myself (and the others) that I'm not worth anyone's time, not worth saving, helping, supporting, being with, getting to know... When I feel this worthless, it's really challenging to socialize with people. But I'm still glad to interact with people, though I got my limits and need lots of alone time since interacting consumes me, mainly IRL though, that at worst I can even feel sick after being too much around people...

I grew up thinking that this world doesn't want me and that I'm worth nothing... Therefore, these thoughts have deep roots in me... I tend to think that even my love is worth nothing because I'm worth nothing myself. No matter how it's been told to me that I'm lovable, I still cannot agree... It's about to make me lose my mind, my sanity... Am I so stupid, broken or what when I cannot see a single lovable thing about me?? At the beginning of this year, I was close to lose my sanity because of this... It was scary, but luckily Molluck could help me to keep my sanity, telling me that it's not my fault... I feel like it's not even exaggeration when I say that it's really thanks to Molluck that I still have sanity, or some of it at least. I love my supportive Molluck so much... But at the same time, I can feel like I'm not worth his time and effort, his love, even yeah, I do want his love...

This can probably sound, well, at least unusual that I tend to be even afraid of that people start to love me or fall in love me with me, have a crush on me, whatever. I have literally had nightmares related to this... I bet that it's because I have no desire for romantic or sexual relationships, barely even understand them, and I wanna avoid the uncomfortable situation where I gotta reject someone... I barely understand relationship dynamics, so it's actually difficult for me to say what kind of couple some people/characters are... I tend to constantly forgot that people are sexual beings... It's just "weird" to me, even I know that it's totally natural, but sexuality is a weird thing to me... I'm not sex-repulsed, though I don't wish to have it in reality. I have never even felt any desire toward people around me... I'm not sex positive either, but prefer "traditional approach" toward it since I find it beautiful, though I see no need to get married first but for me, sex is about love, making love, loving your loved one's body. But well, me being afraid of being loved is suicidal too, especially when it's not about such relationships. I also don't wanna waste people's time and seeing myself not worth loving, I only feel like I'm doing a good thing when I tell people that I'm not worth it...

The way I see myself is sad even to me... But I have no idea how to change my thinking since nothing has helped so far. Like, I really thought that I would never get into university and I was so devastated thinking that, and I'm someone who was one of the top 3 best students in both junior high school and high school... I cried so much when I got a message of that I got in... But after I started my university studies, my inferiority complex hit me and told me that I'm not supposed to be there still, some mistake probably happened... So, even this didn't matter to my mind. I can still feel this way, but it's more related to my suicidal thoughts... I'm currently doing master's studies, but I don't wish to leave university and wanna keep studying, be a doctor, maybe even a professor. So, I have gotten rid of that feeling that I'm not in the right place, but teaching this "miserable being" feels like waste... Yes, even I do have written essays worth full points multiple times and get the best grades still at the university. Maybe I also don't see it as anything special since, well, I'm used to that and I felt like I did nothing in high school for my grades, so I didn't "deserve" them... But with that I mean that I'm not used to work hard and it bothers me... Though I do try to work hard with my mind but alas, no success... Yes, I value working hard and seeing me not doing it makes me hate myself... I don't hate others for such reasons, only myself. I only treat myself this harshly, ask for perfection, even I know that it's impossible... I think that I don't even hate anyone but myself...

It's really complicated to say why I hate myself so much. I don't even have real reasons to hate myself but I'm unable to love myself... Sometimes, I do think that those people do not "deserve" that I hate myself, thanks to them, but after so many years it's so challenging to change... I also realize that love is not about deserving, but I keep telling myself that I need to "deserve" it and I'm not enough... Even Molluck tells me that it's not up to me to say if I'm worth his love or not since he makes that decision. I'm not the one to say if I make Molluck happy or not, if he wants to be with me or not; it's Molluck's decision. I mean, I should try to stop thinking stuff for him and apply this same thinking for real life too.

*****

But what's the future of this blog? Honestly, I don't know, yet. Like I said, I feel like I cannot stand my content and restoring only some of the most okay ones doesn't feel right... I also feel like this blog is a total mess and I don't like it. I never wanted to be this personal but here we go... I just cannot keep all this shit inside my head and pretend to be anything else than I am, especially when this is just getting worse... I wish that there was no need to write these long ass vent posts, but I cannot pretend happy when I suffer... When this pain will end... I have wanted to die regularly soon for 15 years, almost every day. This is why I don't even feel like my suicidal thoughts are "alarming" since they are my "normal" thoughts and I think that I have a right to end my life if I wish that; no one asked me if I wanna be born.

It's difficult to be a content creator with my condition... I tend to think that I only waste people's time and resources... Loving me is wasting love... I don't even try to be as miserable as possible, no. I hate to be pitied, so don't pity me. I know how surreal my thoughts can sound but those are my real thoughts. I realize how some of my thoughts make no sense, yet I believe in them... I really wish that I could talk about myself in a better and healthy way, but I barely see anything positive about me... I wish that I could post stuff like people "normally" do, but I cannot... I'm so tired of constantly being different... I do not wanna be anything "special", I'm not worth it, don't want extra attention... I differ from the usual in many ways, so it feels like an exception if I belong to the majority...

I'm not saying that I actually wish that no one talked to me and such, but this condition makes me believe that I'm worth nothing, only waste... Even I know that it's probably not true, I still cannot think differently. When people compliment my stuff or me, it's actually refreshing, even if my mind tries to falsify them. I cannot even imagine that something I create could make people feel something positive... I never thought that people would love my dedication to Molluck... I had no idea that the love and care I put into my works can be seen... I personally see only my flaws and perfectionism...

When my condition is this aggressive, it's difficult to say what is the actual truth of me and my works. Though, there is still no single truth and it's about opinions still, like no one can like everything and there's always someone who hates your stuff but also someone who loves your stuff. Art is about taste after all, though we do can define the quality of works, but let's not go into that. But the thing is that from my perspective, I feel like my content sucks, so I don't wanna waste people's time with my crap. But no one else has ever told me that my content sucks than me myself... My art has been admired since I was in primary school and art teachers have really liked my art, and I have been rewarded for my art, won even that damn Soulstorm tattoo design competition... My art teacher asked if I'm going to use my talent for something when I was about to leave high school (same teacher as in junior high school). I don't really wish art to be my career, but I wanna create stuff in general, whatever it was. I don't even think that my art is good enough for being professional, and I should learn a lot more to even be a professional artist.

It's like I saw myself through other lenses than the others do... I don't even wanna say that I'm talented/skilled, since I don't think that I am... I haven't even really practiced art, just been drawing stuff. I mean, I haven't really done studies or practiced, just drawn straight away, or how I should explain it... Only last year I actually tried hard to practice getting Molluck right by drawing a lot more than I had during any year for a decade. It worked, but I still have so much to learn... Yeah, I don't tend to focus on what I can do or what I know, but what I cannot do or don't know... I don't even really know what I can actually do... For example, yes I can make good food and my own recipes, but it's not enough for me to say that I can actually cook... Like, my morning porridge recipe was born just because I had that "mad scientist curiosity", just wanted to see how some stuff tastes like with porridge, and I really like that porridge. Yeah, it's usual for me to say that I just did something or got lucky, nothing special... I probably belittle my skills, a lot, but I have no idea what's the definition of me being good at something. I don't know when my art can be considered good when I just see my flaws and mistakes...

I just need some time, and there are many options... Like, I can restore (most of) my posts, keep them private but continue posting new stuff, or just keep this blog closed, meaning that you would never see my Molluck stuff ever again. Though, it would feel weird to continue posting while keeping all the old stuff private... But my point with is just how I have difficulties with standing my own art... I don't even like to call it "art" since it's that bad in my opinion...

I have had moments when I feel like I only litter this place with my posts... That my content is the worst, so I should leave to "cleanse" this place. I would never say this to anyone else than me, even if someone was like constantly posting how much they hate Molluck with some images that make me feel uncomfortable... I don't wish to think that someone is ruining this community here, but yeah, I'm the exception... It's always that when someone says that everyone has value and stuff, I tell myself that I'm an exception... This is the logic behind this stuff. Though, ain't I making myself special here then, but in a negative way? It's probably for suicidal reasons since it can make me wish that people hated me, so that no one was sad over my death...

Frankly, when I did hide my posts, I had such a moment... I felt like no one probably wants to see my stuff in reality, so I should stop wasting my and everyone else's time here... I don't still expect that people like my stuff when I post it, especially when I shouldn't, but posting stuff online just for yourself feels, well, odd... Maybe I actually prefer to keep my stuff offline and am just forcing myself to be something I don't wanna be... But at the same time, posting this stuff is my way to feel less lonely, since my social life is like non-existing. I actually wish that I could interact more with people here, but then my feelings of how that person doesn't probably want me to talk to them or my inferiority complex hits... "Ew, it's that Molluck freak" or something and blocking me after that is how my stupid mind makes me imagine people's reaction if they saw me commenting their stuff... One side of me knows that it's probably unlikely still, but again, I also feel so worthless that I feel like my comments wouldn't even matter... This is complicated... Starting talking to (new) people is scary, but after it, I'm actually quite laid-back. And yeah, like I said earlier, I tend to assume that people hate me, so yeah, try to feel like starting a conversation if you feel like that...

*****

"Enough about you, let's talk about me", some Gluk in MO. I mean, I also wanna say "a few words" about Molluck.

Like I have mentioned earlier, it's interesting for me to see Molluck stuff made by the others, no matter if it made me feel uncomfortable or I didn't agree with it. This "rise of cannibalism stuff" related to Molluck is actually interesting and I like it in a certain way. Like, when I was drawing that drawing of Abe's head being on the tray and Molluck looking at it happily (if you managed to see it before I hid it on Tuesday), it reminded me of that Kesha - Cannibal song, "male version" of it to be exact. I didn't mention this on the post, that well, it made me wonder if Molluck ate his "fellow Gluks" after getting them killed, like what the odd are they even eating in that situation? They could be used as food, it's "an old survival tactic". I still assume that probably not, but I would have liked that to be honest and it would had been something pragmatic, as Molluck is pragmatic. Yeah, I have said that I'm a good match for Molluck... I cannot even really find him awful or evil, even I "know" that he is, but I don't see that... (He feels like me as a Glukkon too, so, um, yeah... He is just being like "me".) Though yeah, my love for him probably also makes me "blind", and I would like to be his partner in crime. Sometimes, I imagine some cruel stuff Molluck could do at RuptureFarms, but I have never written that stuff to here, one reason is that I wonder if they are too cruel... One thing I can say is that I can imagine him "cleaning out" some Glukkon worker at his farm and giving his corpse to me to study Glukkon anatomy, like some artists did back in the days. I would be interested in seeing how whole Gluk body works, so I would be happy to get more inside the Glukkon body. (Y) (I did say this in a dirty way on purpose...)

I cannot personally see Molluck really having intimate relationships or letting anyone really touch him or see his body in general, so having one would be an exception. I'm also so used to that Molluck has no sexuality or genitalia-like stuff, that seeing stuff where it's the opposite "surprises" me... I don't know a better way to explain it. The lower part of his body is just that small and his legs are basically dead (I don't think that he is able to move them), that it makes no sense for me that he had some "extra organs" down there. But you do what you do and I do what I do, and it's okay. I also think that he is so focused on working hard that relationships would be more like some obstacles to him. But in my own self-insert story, he starts to care about me and love me, for his own surprise, so that he is willing to have me as his partner. And yeah, Molluck is paranoid, so I assume that he is picky when it comes to relationships and how close he lets people to come to him. So, if I had to imagine that Molluck was sexual, had the stuff, and wanted sex regularly, I would imagine him, well, eating his partner after it due to trust issues, but well, it probably made him hungry too... I don't feel like Molluck would be into eating me and he can taste me as much as he wants when I'm alive... But even I feel worthless, I still do not wanna let the others use me, so if my relationship was something unhealthy with Molluck, I would end it. I like to be "the boss", but I can make compromises, and I imagine that Molluck could like to lose his authority with me, though it doesn't mean becoming completely passive/submissive. I mean, I feel equal with Molluck, even yeah, I do still live under his control but I feel like he truly loves me and wants no harm to me, that he is willing to take care of me, "lift a finger" for me. Yeah, my Molluck is such a sweetheart inside. Oh, and yeah, that my Molluck has no sexuality doesn't prevent him from enjoying sex, and I wouldn't enjoy it if he didn't.

I wanna say that I do not wish to be like my way to see Molluck was the correct one, no. I only take a part into this discussion or community. There are many ways to see and interpret stuff, and that's why we got different kinds of Christianity for example. Frankly, I feel alone with the way I see Molluck, and thinking that also made me hide my posts... I felt like my Molluck stuff is too different and therefore not wanted, not needed... That am I just stupid or something when I cannot see Molluck like "I'm supposed to" or like the others tend to... This is probably understandable after my explanation at the beginning of this post. Though, I don't even wanna argue if there's "a correct way" to see Molluck, and it's great to have different views and opinions, but well, my stupid mind just wants me to feel bad for being different...

*****

I do not wish to ruin anyone's joy here. As I have said before, I wanna let people enjoy Molluck just like they want without my influence. Yes, the thing is that I don't even wish to affect the way people see Molluck, though I'm probably asking for something impossible here... No, I don't wish to deny it either, like taking inspiration from my works, so eh, I don't really know what to think of me and my stuff affecting people... The only way to stop affecting people is to quit this blog. It's just that I feel like I affect people in a bad way... I don't even know why... I just feel like I only ruin things... I cannot see that my stuff or me brought any joy to this world... Even it's told me that I bring joy, I cannot see it myself... It's difficult to believe something you don't see, right? But yeah, this was yet another reason why I felt like taking my stuff down, that I probably bring no joy here... I feel like I only spread my mental health issue crap and vent here, my negativity... I cannot see positive things when I look at my content...

I really don't know what to think of people caring about me... It's about to make me lose my mind... At the same time it's touching, but then I also feel like I'm not worth caring about... I don't know what to think of people liking my art when I cannot stand it... At the same time it's relieving to hear, but then I cannot see the things people see in my art which makes me doubt... I feel like an idiot when I think this stuff. It makes me hate myself and wanting to kill myself... I don't know if anything can "fix" me... If I should just end this all... This blog is already such a mess and I feel like I have only been ruining stuff here, so it's probably better if I leave...

I'm really sorry for this... I do not wanna make any "show" here, some drama, theater, whatever you could call it. I'm just someone with serious mental health issues... I wish that I didn't have them... I can continue posting my stuff if I'm not a burden here, don't ruin the atmosphere... I have just serious issues with feeling like people actually wanna be with me, see what I post, enjoy my stuff... I do not wish to be a burden... I really wish that this was different...

I hope that no one feels like I don't appreciate support and compliments... I really appreciate people taking their time to look at my stuff and interacting with me! It's just that I don't feel like worth it... I don't see anything special or interesting in my stuff... I know that I can say conflicting things and it can be difficult to see what I really think, but I try my best to be as clear as possible here. So, again, I never meant to indicate that I don't want to interact, I more like assume that people don't want to interact with me... And really, it's been a positive surprise me to hear that my Molluck stuff has inspired people, even my ill mind tries to tell me that it's a bad thing...

With all these issues it's been also difficult to say why I'm even posting my content online, especially when I have my struggles with liking it, and when my mind keeps telling me how I shouldn't touch anything... Frankly, I don't really know any other reason than that I like to create stuff. But I don't wanna create crappy stuff, so eh, it can lead to this point that I just feel like deleting the whole thing and starting again... (Nothing has been deleted here.) Though yeah, it does remove the ability of seeing the improvement over time, but how important is that, to the others I mean. Well, we live in a world where people do wanna seem perfect online, so eh, maybe showing how crap my stuff can be at times or has been before is fine. Like, I do not wanna pretend that I was perfect, it's bullshit, since no one is perfect.

Maybe my personality is somehow split since sometimes, it's my ill mind that speaks and sometimes, it's my sane side that speaks. But sometimes, it's also Molluck who speaks... I have no idea "who" or "what" this supportive Molluck who "speaks" to me is, but he seems to know me in a more realistic light than me... No, I hear no voices, only get "messages" as thoughts, feelings or energies. But I haven't found anything that sounds like my condition... But well, I at least still know, somehow, what's the truth, even if I cannot feel like it's true... Yes, yet another thing is that I trust my logic much more than my feelings because of my mental health issues... I already as a child liked to split logic and feelings from each other, but also physical and mental stuff. I don't know why, it just "made sense" to me. We humans just have such complicated layers in us...

*****

Man, I have been writing so much for many hours straight and I still feel like I probably forgot something... Well, I hopefully said the main stuff at least.

I give you a sign that is burned with Molluck's cigar as a sign of my appreciation if you managed to read this all. I mean, I don't assume that people read my posts, especially when they are this long...

I also hope that I don't sound like I'm trying to please people here. I only wish that I'm not ruining people's joy here. Yes, no one can like everything, but I hope that you get my point. Though yeah, now that I think of this, I probably did ruin some people's joy with taking my stuff down... Man, what a mess this whole situation is... It's starting to become embarrassing... I feel like crying... I'm so tired of all this pain and shit... I don't know what would be the best thing to do here...

I'm so sorry... Taking my stuff down was also my unhealthy way to say that I care about you, that I do not wish my stuff to litter this place...

I don't even really know how to end this post... I hope that we see again, but I don't know when... I just need some time to get my shit together. My extreme condition needs some extreme solutions, so yeah, this happened, though this is the third time I take my stuff down on this blog. Third time is the charm, eh? I mean, I do wish to keep having hope, and I wish that this is the last time I end up doing this here... I didn't really like doing this, but I felt like I "had to". It's just so challenging to live with this condition, especially without proper help... But first, I should also try to convince myself of that I'm even worth helping.

Again, no matter how much I say that I feel like not worth supporting, I do appreciate it and it touches me! Frankly, I also got this unhealthy thinking of that I should survive alone, without help, so it can be difficult for me to be helped for this reason too... Help only helps if one wants to be helped. Also yeah, no matter how solitary soul one is, we humans do are social animals and lack of connection with others causes suffering, even death, referring to that baby test I mentioned earlier. Even one should create content one likes, not to please the others, it makes a difference if that content connects one with the other people. This was also probably one of those points I have wanted to make earlier. It's just not easy to explain stuff, especially this complex.

*****

I thank you all for taking your time, tolerating and understanding me. I do not wish get attention with this, more like have "a reality check" or something, since you can probably see how my ill mind twists things... It can blind me.

~ Much love, and take care! 💛

[balkanradfem]

Hiiii it's the JKR anon...Ink Black Heart anon? Anyway, i hope you meant it when you said your inbox was open to talk about it, because I'm 32 chapters in now (I CANNOT put it down) and I have THOUGHTS.

The whole theme of, like, smear campaigns against women....😐 I'm furious how topical it is right now, and was when she wrote it, and for ages before that, and will continue to be! It's so so so easy to whip up an anti woman hate mob online, people are always starving to abuse a woman under the flimsiest pretext.

Also I want to shout out JKR because I've been online as a young person for a long time and I don't have what it takes to capture that environment as unflinchingly as she does. JKR is so good at understanding people, of holding up a mirror.

Anomie is such a pathetic, so deeply realistic kind of cruel. The ego on this man. The power tripping. I want only bad things for him.

I have a few theories, little connections I've made, but to be honest I'm not doing too much theorizing, I'm too busy reading!

Thanks again for the rec, hope your day's going well! 💜

You are a FAST reader, oh my gosh! I am so happy to read this, I think I'll go re-read the book so I can follow your comments more closely! I've read it a few years ago and some details have faded but omg do I remember Anomie, and how realistic and familiar that cruelty was! If you were online in early 2000s you knew a person like that and it wrecked your online experience completely.

I agree about JKR being unflinching and excellent at holding a mirror to society, and about the smear campaigns, extremely topical, still constantly happening and everyone should read this book and gain some class consciousness. I don't believe anything bad anyone says about a woman online, all of it could be a part of a smear campaign.

Isn't she amazing tho publishing this as she was being smear campaigned, I love her. Good luck with the theories! All of mine were wrong but I have faith in you.

[thessalian]

Thess vs The One Day Off

Every time I have to do overtime, I end up remembering why I only work a four-day week, and only six / six and a half hours on those four days. Because this is my one day actually off this week, and I am exhausted and made of aches and I have a feeling it's going to be just as bad this coming week.

But they do not get my Sunday this weekend. FUCK. THAT. I will put aside my Saturday Shenanigans until the New Year if I have to but I WILL NOT BE GIVING UP MY SUNDAY D&D CAMPAIGN FOR BULLSHIT LIKE WORK.

Also because ... seriously, this was my 'weekend'

Saturday: slept in because I was exhausted, logged in to find about 100 extra bits of typing in the queue, did four and a half hours of overtime which I didn't finish until nearly the time my Saturday D&D group would normally start, and slept poorly because pain and gale-force winds shaking the windows.

Sunday: got up at a halfway decent hour (...ish), braved gale-force winds for a few errands I had to run (which took longer than expected but never mind), got home, immediately logged in, did three and a half hours of overtime because I literally could not take anymore, and at least made myself a nice dinner before I became a pile of pain.

And now there's today. Woke up at a halfway decent hour ... rolled over and went right back to sleep because just NOPE. Could have done so again but I don't want to screw up my circadian rhythms completely when I have work tomorrow. But I also want to do something fun ... but I hurt badly enough that that's going to be an issue.

Oh, and last night I did some online shopping to get Christmas gifts for my mother. They're hard to shop for, the parentals. My stepfather is a pain to shop for and it's honestly best just to give him food. As for my mother ... I think the problem with both of them is that they're a bit insular, particularly since Covid and since Mum retired (around the same time, honestly). They don't know a lot of what's out there and they have their interests and ... yeah, anyway, Mum called while I was in the middle of yesterday's overtime and I got some ideas so TeeTurtle got some of my business. She likes my TeeTurtle T-shirts so I figured... Anyway, also found her toller retriever socks on Redbubble, because a) she likes "funky" socks and b) she loves Digby, her Nova Scotia duck toller retriever and they're not the breed you usually see on most merch. I was also thinking of an adjunct of, like, a little .pdf with a few of my cooking hints and tips, and some recipes I've had luck with.

Of course, now I have to think about what I might want for Christmas. Look, I didn't have to think about that last year, because Christmas and my birthday were eaten up by the MCM Comic Con ticket and (most of) the Critical Role cast autograph fees. I still regret nothing, because that weekend was fire even if it was excruciatingly painful in places, but ... like ... those were my Christmas and birthday gifts so I didn't have to think about it. Now I kinda do. Of course, the one thing I actually want is a bigger air fryer than the little one I got myself, but my stepdad refuses on the basis that "I don't know what the kitchen will look like where I end up". Which ... people work that shit out, stepdad, but okay. ...No, seriously, it honestly is okay, because if it's anything like my instant pot, it's not like he's saying I can't get one at all; just that he won't be party to it. Which is fair enough - just means I can't ask for one for Christmas. Probably not a new microwave either, because I noticed that Flat 13 now has a microwave installed and I dunno what's happening with that. I mean, obviously Steam gift cards go on the list because ... okay, it's weird. Like, I love it when my friends lob random games at my head, but from the parentals I like the luxury of a whole bunch of Steam wallet money that I don't have to feel bad about spending on something useful and the shopping experience of "How much of my wishlist can I clear during the Steam winter sale?" Then I guess there's the useful stuff - casserole dish with lid for those recipes that really need one, new tableware to replace the cheap-ass supermarket own-brand ones that are like ten years old (maybe even with decent-sized pasta bowls), maybe a weighted blanket... Well. Guess I have my list.

Anyway, with that out of the way ... this is my one day off and it's mostly over and I want to do something with it (Molly!Rook, for preference). But I do hurt so very, very much. All of my haaaaaaate. But it's probably going to have to be more overtime over the week, too, if things keep on the way they have been. I have the 19th and 20th off and I don't care what Scruffman says, I am not cancelling those days or moving them to some other time. I need them so badly, and they're the only Christmas-adjacent days I'm getting because I had the holiday period off last year so it was the other girls' turn. Honestly I just want to sleep for like a week.