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sixteenthshen · 4 years ago

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i need help

I read a post on Zhihu last night - “How to evaluate the finale of Word of Honor?” The top commenter’s writing just killed me.

Heavy spoilers for episode 33/34. There’re no spoilers for the episodes after that, but I can’t guarantee this if there are replies.

The rest hidden behind a cut.

I don’t need help explaining the finale or the happy ending, bad ending whatever it is, I’ve found my own way to come to terms with it. But I can’t accept what happened in 33/34 and the lack of follow up on the core of the issue, and that’s blocking me from enjoying the “HE”. To be fair, I think I may be a bit hormonal? Because this is really making me feel like crap.

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This is a comment made by a Chinese user on Zhihu:

I only want to say; the show might as well have ended when A-Xu jumped down the cliff after WKX. Even though it's a bit lame, at least the soulmate feelings were still there.

The grand finale basically destroyed the soulmate bond built up over 20+ episodes. The essence of it is gone; all of the "candy" and "knives" feel like they've been stripped away.

I've written so much about WKX & ZZS and how they were both falling for each other, saving each other. And now it all looks like a big joke.

It turns out ZZS's soulmate is ZZH, not WKX. The mountains and rivers in the world can't compare to meeting my soulmate. Since my soulmate is gone, I might as well die. (Play on the quote from the drama, instead of why should I live, it becomes I should just die)

(The poster starts talking to ZZS directly - referring to him as you) You're really a mistreated (tortured?) concubine, aren't you? Once you decide to give your whole heart, whole person away, you somehow always end up meeting some fake evil bastard (reference to Farewell my Concubine, basically that ZZS always ends up being suckered)

When you first fell into Prince Jin's trap, it's because you were young and not yet wise to the ways of the world, and believed in the grand words of your cousin and got conned into the world of politics. Sinking into the dirtiest, muddiest of marshes.

You plotted tirelessly for 18 months, suffered through 18 months of pain from the 7 nails, and finally exchanged it for 3 years of freedom. But when you met WKX, you fell right back in again.

Heraclitus said, "You cannot step into the same river twice" <<(I think this person mixed up the meaning of this quote, cause it doesn't fit, but basically intends to say people shouldn't make the same mistake twice)

The first time you stepped into the river, you got away with only half your life. The next time you stepped into the river, you nearly lost your life 4x (under YBY's sword, when you jumped off the cliff to your death for love, pulling out your nails, exploding the mountain to cause an avalanche + suicide), in the end you became a living dead person on Changming mountain.

I don't know if I should call you a living dead man, anyway, in my heart, once you pulled out the nails from your body, cutting off any other alternative you had just to help WKX take revenge… while WKX came back from the dead, and worked with everyone present at the scene to give the performance of a lifetime, you were already dead.

What a mockery, a farce.

You gave up everything but in the end, you were nothing more than a spectator.

He wanted you to give him face, to let him go home to explain things. You quietly stepped aside and gave him the stage. He wanted your baiyi sword to demonstrate his family's sword technique, to prove his identity. You gave it to him without a second word. He cut Zhao Jing's arms and legs tendons, crippled his martial arts, finally took revenge. You were happy for him despite everything.

When Mo Huaiyang accused him of being the Ghost Valley Master, he openly admitted to it and said the entire first part was just an act. You stood in front of him, to protect him. Said he is your shidi, and stood with him without any reservations.

But he had secretly already reached an agreement with Ye Baiyi. He knew YBY wouldn't hurt him, but you didn't know and yet you still shielded him. So terribly afraid that YBY would hurt him because of his identity.

Everyone knew this was part of the scheme he laid out, everyone participated in his scheme. Only you didn't know. Only you foolishly believed that he wouldn't be alright without you, that he needed you to help him take revenge. That he had his difficulties so he couldn't confess the truth to you, as long as he did, then you would be the first to know everything. That he was your soulmate. This word "soulmate", if said enough times, it would even be real. In this life, right up until the end, we can't even fully understand ourselves, how do we talk about others?

-----

the source is the top voted answer here. I like this poster a lot, she shared some great things throughout the course of the drama, 3 of which were the base of poems-related posts I’ve made here. I was doing fine before, but in the course of translating this answer for a friend, I made myself feel worse.

She later forced herself to look at it from WKX’s perspective and wrote a piece on it as well, but it... was very forced and I’m not too sure she even believed it herself. She ended that part with - “this made her feel very keenly that no matter how similar two souls may be, in the end, they are still two souls. He isn’t you and he will never be you. You can work endlessly and tirelessly to be closer, but your souls can never meet.”

I... I’m too sad to translate the WKX part in order to be fair to WKX in this post (if I feel better about it, i will later? but it didn’t make me feel better at all tbh)

Can someone who can articulate well and believe that what WKX did was right, please help to make me understand episodes 32-34 from his perspective?

My main issues are:

We never got a proper 1-to-1 discussion between WKX and ZZS over the issue. At first, they were celebrating as a group, I can accept it. There wasn’t a time or place.

But when ZZS went back to his room early and sober, when everyone else was still drinking and having fun, I felt so bad for him.

When WKX came into his room, looking for ZZS when drunk, I know it isn’t supposed to be like this - but I can’t help but feel he didn’t dare to talk to A-Xu 1-to-1. Instead he went when he was drunk to spill his heart. It can be thought of as sweet, because the first person he thinks of when he’s drunk is A-Xu... but I can’t help but find it very selfish, because it leaves A-Xu with no way to talk about things. If you’ve ever talked to a drunk while sober, you would understand what I mean, it’s a one-way conversation, you can’t get anything through.

But that conversation left A-Xu with enough guilt that he can’t come clean to WKX about what he did. How can he tell WKX that he pulled out his nails, and is about to die. To take away WKX’s happiness, when Lao Wen just told him about how happy he was to have him in his life?

Lao Wen had 0 intention to be cruel, but it ended up being more cruel. And this lack of a proper discussion between the two of them, makes me call into question the whole thing about soulmates. I believe Lao Wen loves A-Xu the best he can (with his somewhat emotionally stunted self), but he’s not putting himself in the other person’s shoes to care for them.

Love =/= care. And by not caring enough in this matter, I feel it’s thrown him into OOC. Where is the WKX who cared so much for ZZS at the start? Where is the tenderness?

The drama never properly addressed why WKX faked his death and not tell A-Xu. The only reason they gave was that A-Xu was heavily injured (through Wu Xi). WKX just admitted he was wrong (and should drink). That’s all.

Thankssss.

Please don’t preach to me about the happy ending or talk about the finale. I personally can’t resolve 32-34, I have found a way to accept the ending as long as I can accept these 3 episodes.

I may not be able to immediately accept your POV but I will force myself to try to find something that fits. I want to keep shipping wenzhou :(

#i'm not even checking my own grammar cause this is making me too emo #WKX fans and stans #please help #i added a sad gif of a-xu #because he's sad

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meimae · 4 years ago

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Language Learning Through Immersion: One Year Japanese Update

11/03/2021

I did it, you guys! I’ve successfully reached my very first year of Japanese language immersion! I honestly thought that I would have given up by now, but this really has been a fun and ultimately rewarding endeavor.

Studying the language has been at the back of my mind for years since elementary school, I just never really knew how to go about it before, and I always thought that I could learn it in a classroom setting someday. That someday for me was in two elective courses in university, and while those were fun as well, it did not give me the same gains that I have achieved in this past year.

It’s probably easier to quantify learning a language in a classroom setting, especially when going through a program to earn a language degree. Learning through immersion, however, I had to really consider what my goals should be on my own. Eventually, I stumbled upon an article saying that for an English speaker, Japanese was exceptionally difficult to learn and that at least 2,200 hours must be spent with the language to reach a certain level of proficiency. So I said to myself, “well okay internet, if you say so!”, and set that as my long term goal going forward.

Spoiler Alert: I did not hit that goal in my first year. I am not crazy and will never listen to Japanese in my sleep regardless of what Khatzumoto (the creator of All Japanese All the Time) says.

I did, however, hit a total 1,226.65 active immersion hours in my first year, so I guess I’m still a bit nuts. That is 874.96 hours of active listening and 351.69 reading hours. I also did 270.59 hours of passive listening, also known as the time in the very beginning of my immersion where I was using Japanese subtitles (therefore not really concentrating on listening alone). That’s a cumulative 1,497.24 hours spent with Japanese. That’s more than halfway towards my goal!

To further break that down for curious animanga fans out there, that’s 973 episodes from 109 anime, 765 episodes from 33 dramas, 7 movies, and 967 chapters from 107 volumes of manga (21 series). Here’s my anilist and mydramalist to see what I’ve read/watched.

During all this, I was also doing my daily Anki reps and now I have a 530 day SRS streak (includes the time prior starting immersion and only doing RTK and some vocabulary cards) and a total 8,857 sentence cards. I’ve been averaging 406 cards daily (because I’m trying to cure my leeches) and I spend about an hour per day doing reps and learning new cards. I don’t really track my time on Anki, but I do have a set timer that goes off after 1-1:30 hours.

What I haven’t touched upon at all is output. I have not gone out of my way to find a tutor or a language partner. There’s still plenty of input out there to immerse in before I even consider outputting.

Graphs, stats, and more thoughts:

Here's my current card count in my main deck (minus the cards in my new/learning queue and leeches I've been relearning which are in separate decks):

That one day in 2019 where I did not do my cards because I was seriously doubting whether I can actually stick with language learning this time around will forever haunt and inspire me to keep going everyday.

Workflow and Tips

You might be wondering, how do I have a lot of time? I started this whole endeavor in the middle of a pandemic, which eliminated the option of me going to a language school, and a slew of other things I were considering doing last year became impossible (and if anything, very scary to do in a pandemic). All I can say is that, things work out eventually if it is His will, and if I can learn a skill before everything properly settles back down again, then why not?

I wake up at 5 in the morning everyday to either do my Anki reps or read until the time when I need to get up and I listen to compressed audio throughout the day. The biggest tip is to switch the time you spend watching/reading in your native language to your target language instead. Listen to a podcast during your commute, watch an episode during lunch break, read before going to bed, do your Anki reps in the bathroom if you have to.

But, if you’re feeling burnt out, there is no reason for you to not take a break! I have been watching a lot of Among Us streams before bed, and I chat with my friends from time to time. Language learning is not a race.

More Stats

Here are a couple of grids of the kanji characters that I have encountered at least once in my immersion and how well I have answered them in my vocabulary/sentence cards.

It's interesting that after almost 9000 words, I have yet to encounter every single character from the Remembering the Kanji 1 (RTK 1) book by James Heisig, which teaches you the most common use characters that are part of the 常用漢字. Which brings me to the question, was writing down every single character being taught in RTK worth it every time it came up in my reviews for the first 3-ish months I was reviewing them? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly removed my anxiety whenever looking at blocks of text in Japanese, but the longer I think about it, the more I feel I should have switched to Recognition RTK earlier. Still, being able to write in proper stroke order is cool I guess, and it also helps me when looking things up in the dictionary.

Here’s the same grid but in JLPT order:

I clearly need to grind those N2 and N1 level cards! Speaking of which, I have apparently almost covered every single character that could possibly appear in the JLPT (except for the N1 which I have only covered half of) in just a year's time. If the JLPT word frequency lists I’m using are accurate, I have about 2,000 words more to go to to cover most vocabulary that could appear in the test. This makes the "10,000 sentences/words to fluency" argument a reasonable milestone to aim for for Japanese learners if said aim is only to pass the test. That said, 10,000 words is just that, a milestone. It's more akin to a comfortable level of comprehension, but not my own concept of fluency which is being able to read with ease, speak articulately, and write comfortably.

READING IMMERSION GRAPHS

My biggest motivation for tracking my stats is for the purpose of seeing whether my reading speed is improving over time. Reading speed is also easier to measure than listening comprehension which is kind of subjective, so I had a lot of fun making these. What I found is that for the first volume or chapter of whatever it is I’m reading, I always take the time to get used to the writing style of the author. My speed really improves whenever I keep reading the same topic over and over again. On the other hand and quite obviously, looking up many new words in a row and trying to parse sentences slows me down.

Manga: Reading Speed Progression per Volume

I clearly love ちはやふる and I am not ashamed to admit it.

I need to start reading longer manga. When I do, I’ll probably split this graph into less than and greater than 20 volumes. Imagine if I start reading something ridiculously long as 名探偵コナン or ワンピース, these graphs will start breaching the bounds of time and space.

Novels: Time Spent Reading per Chapter

#neverforget the time I read chapter six of Norwegian Wood for 9 hours when it took me less than half that time in English RIP. Also, my interest in Kitchen plummeted LOL. Still planning to finish it don’t worry.

I also need to start branching away from manga and start reading more novels and light novels, too just so I can make more pretty graphs.

Visual Novels: Time Spent Reading and Daily Word Count

Also known as images that clearly show that I’ve already spent several days only reading the prologue of Island. I’m not sweating. 切那 needs to stop using words I don’t know in succession. More thoughts on this VN far into the future.

Thoughts on Immersion

I can’t really say anything else other that that it works for me, and needless to say if you’re considering this method, remember that the SRS is your friend but immersion should be your one true love.

Prior to all this, I couldn’t even read a sample paragraph from Genki without being confused to my very soul. Yes, I know, it’s embarrassing, but that’s the truth. I was way more scared of failing my Japanese classes than my actual thesis for my bachelors degree, I kid you not. I would quite literally spend all my free time in university trying to understand grammar, memorize vocabulary, and answer my workbook exercises with little to no success.

I tried so hard to get all the grammar “formulas” into my head for 1.5 years and it only brought me more confusion. I’m never going back to traditional classroom study for language learning, but I will still refer to grammar books when I need to, and not because I feel like I need to answer 4783342 different workbook exercises like my life depended on it.

I still can’t believe it, but with immersion this statement is actually true to a point, don’t try shadowing anime/or calling your boss anime language slurs, use your common sense:

study anime to understand Japanese > study Japanese to understand anime

Future Goals/Plans

2,200 immersion hours was my initial goal, but honestly I feel like that number could be much higher. There’s still a lot of stuff I don’t understand (news, politics, sciences, etc.), so I’ll make attempts to cover more of those things in my immersion.

I’ll continue reading more, because that’s a natural SRS in itself. Try to read longer manga, more novels, visual novels, and light novels, and maybe news articles.

I’ll try to mine as much “JLPT vocab” as I can before making any attempts at taking the JLPT. I noticed that a lot of the words I know don’t appear in the JLPT word lists as much, even though they appear a lot in media/daily conversation.

Continue mining all words I don’t know because all words are useful anyway. There is no such thing as useless words. I never really understood mining only “interesting words” or words that “pop up” in your immersion. As I said in my previous blog post, 美人局 is an interesting word and I certainly caught it being said in my immersion, but in the three languages I know, I wouldn’t know when I would be able to use such a word, as compared to something like ジャガイモ which is a significantly less interesting word, but is certainly useful to know.

I have managed to talk up a storm, but if you have any questions regarding my process or recommendations for new immersion material, please feel free to send an ask/reply to this post. I love hearing about other people’s language learning/immersion journeys.

See you on my next post!

#language learning #japanese language #language acquisition #study blog #langblr #studyblr #graphs #language immersion #japanese #visual novels #manga #novels #anime #dramas #movies #youtube #podcasts

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heyheydidjaknow · 4 years ago

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Hiya! I have a request for an x reader songfic. Snap out of it by the Arctic monkeys gives me so many 2012 Donnie vibes. Maybe one where the reader is in love with Donnie but he likes April and the reader wants Donnie to, you know, "snap out of it" and notice that maybe April isn't the best person towards him. It can end in unrequited love or with a happy ending, that's for you to decide but I just really want to see this concept. Thanks! :>

(feel free to ignore this request if you want 👁️👁️)

Oh, I’m not about to turn away a chance to be pushed out into foreign territory. I admittedly hadn’t known what a songfic was until wikipedia and @kunimikat saved my ass, so this was fun-- and a bit scary-- to write. I hope you like it, even if it might not have been exactly what you were expecting.

April was your friend. She had been for a while, now, since she had moved to NYC. The two of you had come even closer after her kidnapping and initiation into the “Hamato Clusterfuck” as you had affectionately called it at first—you had wisely made a conscious effort to only get involved with them as far as you could throw them, sticking solidly to offering emotional support and half-decent food. At the beginning, you had, on multiple occasions, even begged her to stay out of it, trying to reason with her that getting herself killed by a psychotic armored man with an axe to grind for the crime of hanging out with four teenage shut-ins was an incredibly bad idea. When your logical arguments fell on deaf ears—her owing them apparently being her ball and chain—you had designated yourself as her supervisor to make sure she did not do something overly impulsive. She was reckless, overly trusting, immature, but you loved her like a sister. You balanced each other out.

One of the benefits of knowing someone for so long is that you learn things about them that they do not know about themselves. In April’s case, it had been that she was terrible at making up her mind

What's been happenin' in your world?

You had borne witness to the love triangle transpiring between Donatello Hamato, Casey Jones and her for the better part of a year now. You were relieved that the two boys had backed off each other’s throats somewhat over the period, but it was as infuriating as it was fascinating to watch them fight over her like a chew toy. Of course, April had her preference between the two, favoring the hockey player mainly for his general normalcy, which was a decision you could approve of, but she had hesitated until recently to make that obvious to the other point because, in her words, “The last thing I want is to deal with is all of that awkwardness.” You could hardly blame her for her hesitation, but you thought it almost cruel not to make her feelings apparent to her lovestruck puppy.

What have you been up to?

Donnie was the most tolerable of the five, the most normal in your opinion. He was an infatuated, insecure teenage boy with more an affinity towards machines and, best of all, seemed concerned for your friend, all things that you could get on board with. In your opinion, overbearingness is preferable to negligence in this case, and you were just happy that someone physically capable had her back. As such, when you were stuck at the lair for hours waiting for her lessons with Splinter to be over—you were her ride—you found yourself spending the most time around him, and as time went on, you started going out of your way to do so.

Seeing as April and Casey were your only other friends, it was natural you would get romantically attached. They—a couple by high school standards—approved of your crush, and all you told your guardian(s) was that they were smart, fit, and financially responsible, so they asked few questions.

You knew, logically, this was not a competition and that April had little interest in him.

But something about the way he gazed at her made you burn green with envy.

I heard that you fell in love, or near enough.

His eyes were just so… wistfully longing. He watched as the redhead and her boyfriend played against Michelangelo and Raphael in a game of charades. His expression was just so soft, lips pursing and popping silently as he grieved from his seat in his lab.

It had been a downhill spiral on your end from there, and as your own attachment grew for him, his own depression worsened. Your eyes drifted from your friend as you tried to make him see that, no, the world was not ending because his first crush did not like him back. You would make subtle comments about how happy his brothers were, how happy she and Casey were together, how smart he was and how many people would die for a kind, loving, smart guy to come around and sweep them off their feet. This, again, fell on deaf ears; he would always comment on how, if he were such a catch, April would not have chosen Casey, like It is his fault for her having more of a taste in cocky, fun-loving guys than intelligent ones. Half of it was probably your lack of experience in subtlety, but no matter what you would try to say, whenever romance came up in conversation, his words turned sharp and bitter.

On that day, you just cracked.

I gotta tell you the truth.

You walked over to the lab door, closing it in a single fluid motion. ‘I’m better at being blunt, anyways.’

He blinked; his trance was interrupted by the small slam.

“She’s not into you.”

“Huh?”

You crossed the room and placed your hand on the desk, expression stern and stone cold. “April,” you repeat. “She’s not interested.”

He did not meet your gaze. “You don’t know that.”

“I do, actually.” You leaned down to look him in the eye. “You aren’t her type. You’re supposed to be smart.” You placed the other on the back of his chair, arms cagging him in, almost. “ She has a boyfriend,” you continued, softer. “You know that, right?”

“I do.” He tapped the side of his thumb against the table absently, throat tight. “But what else do you suppose I do? Submit to the fact that I’ll be alone forever?” He looked up at you. “I know this may be hard for you to believe,” he continued, easily slipping out from under your arms, “but I don’t exactly have a ton of options. She’s the only person who’s ever looked at me like that; how am I supposed to move on from the only person who’s ever even given me a chance?”

I wanna grab both your shoulders and shake, baby.

You rolled your eyes, turning to watch him as he crossed to the other side of the room. “That is some blatant bullshit,” you glared curtly.

“Is it, though?” His back was to you as he crouched down in front of his centrifuge, fiddling with it. “As someone who’s never—”

“So help me, if you go off about me not understanding being rejected and feeling like they’d die alone, I’ll rip your tongue out.” You stood back up properly.

“What would you know about it?” He followed suit, eyes locking on yours. “You have other people to choose from.”

“And you don’t?” You crossed your arms, smiling incredulously. “How do we differ, exactly?”

“Besides the obvious?”

You scoffed. “You’ve seen your brothers. Never stopped them.”

“And I’m happy for them, that they’re so charismatic as to be able to find partners so easily.” You could taste the bitterness in his words. “But I’m not them, in case you didn’t notice. That girl out there?” He pointed to the door. “She’s the first and only person in the universe who’s ever given me a second glance.”

“So you’re just fucking blind, now?” You heard your voice rise without your input.

“What’re you talking about?” His voice grew with yours.

“You’re lovesick,” you spat. “Snap out of it.”

Snap out of it.

You ran your fingers through your hair. “Or maybe you’re just dense.” You felt a laugh rise in your throat. “I mean,” you gestured, “clearly picking up on verbal subtext isn’t your forte.”

You gave him five seconds. “What,” you continued, rubbing your face with your hands, “Are you—” You stopped. “You are, aren’t you?”

Nothing.

You took a slow breath, hearing your heartbeat in your ears. “Let me put it in simple, plain English for you.”

I get the feelin' I left it too late, but baby—

“As her friend? You’re a fucking creep.” You crossed your arms across your chest. “Following her the way you did—wait your turn—” A finger interrupted his defense. “Following her the way you did? Objectively creepy. Staring at her all the time? Also fucking creepy.” You felt your nails dig into your skin. “Any person would call it as it is.”

He opened his mouth again to argue. You did not interrupt him this time, but he did not argue, the silence falling like a weighted blanket over the two of you.

“As your friend,” you continued, voice lowered, “as someone who cares about you, I know April, and she can’t give you what you want. It’s not her; she needs to be free, and I love her, but you’re looking for something that’s just not there.” Your voice was certain. “You’re looking for someone to spend your life with. I’m right, aren’t I?”

Snap out of it.

He was still for a moment, looking off into the ether. He nodded, face melancholy.

You walked over, resting a hand on his shoulder tentatively. “I’m not saying it’s stupid of you to not be over her. Again, I love her to bits, so I see the appeal.” You broke eye contact, trying to articulate exactly what you meant. “But I’m worried,” you explained slowly, “you’re only hung up on her because you’re scared of being alone. That’s not fair to her or yourself.”

“Do you know that?”

“No,” you admitted easily, “but you and I are the same way, and trust me, I’ve been around the heartbreak block.” You smiled, trying to relieve the tension.

That earned a chuckle. A small one, but a chuckle none the less.

You reached up, cupping his cheek in your hand. “There are seven billion people on this planet. Any one of them—myself included—would be lucky to have a life with you.”

If that watch don’t continue to swing—

A pause.

“Do you honestly believe that?”

You nodded, your thumb running along the line of his eye socket. “I do.”

—or the fat lady fancies havin' a sing—

You leaned forward, pressing your lips against his cheek gently.

—I'll be here, waitin' ever so patiently—

“Y/N!” You pulled back as you heard April calling your name. “We need a moderator!”

You started back towards the door, waving gently. “I wish you good tidings, Donatello.” You smiled quietly, serenity itself standing in the doorway. “May whoever is fortunate enough to call you their own bring you happiness. You deserve it.” You slipped out of his lab, running over to break them up.

Donatello rested his fingers on where your mouth had lit his skin. He felt a bittersweet smile fade onto his face.

—for you to snap out of it.

And that was when it began.

List of Works

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nanikoreeeh · 3 years ago

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about mental health & writing motivation

tw— mentions of depression; anxiety; ocd

long post ahead

it’s been so long since i was last here that i feel strange typing this. this in no way a very articulated post, or at least i don’t think it will be since i’m writing this at 6:09 am after not having slept during the whole night so if you decide to read, thank you.

as you’ve noticed i’ve been absent for a while (or maybe you haven’t, cause this is tumblr and most people come here to log off from real life and have a good time which i also used to do until logging in felt like a chore hence why i’m making this post). anyways, i’ve been absent from tumblr cause i really wasn’t enjoy it anymore.

i discovered tumblr like six years ago, and just realizing that feels so surreal cause for me it’s been like a mere short breath. i was in a not so good headspace and tumblr gave me a save space to connect to people and content that i really wanted to see. fandoms and that sort of stuff. at the time i was so amazed at the freedom the people on this app seemed to have that i just loved it.

i’ve been writing since i was 6 years old and i’ve been writing for my favorite fandoms since i’m 12 so for me joining the x reader, imagines & headcanons side of tumblr was a very natural step. i begun writing for haikyuu in an old blog that it’s not active anymore and it was so much fun. i felt creative, i felt inspired and i felt happy. i had been dealing with depression for several years prior to that so the buzz of serotonin i got from writing and from people actually reading what i posted was amazing.

if you’d experienced depression you know that external stimulus doesn’t lasts for too long. it’s not that the things you enjoy aren’t fun, or good anymore, more like your brain just isn’t properly balanced so no amount of external factors can actually make it not be depressed. so the buzzed faded, so i tried to hold onto it by forcing me to write more and more. which didn’t work of course. eventually i simply stopped doing it.

until i opened this new account.

i told myself that i would take things easy this time, that i wouldn’t pressure myself to write this time, that i wouldn’t compare myself to others writers, that i would do my own thing and just, enjoy it. but then i didn’t, i couldn’t. my mind is working 24/7 but my levels of motivation aren’t even close to catch up to that since well, my depression keeps me for having too much energy when it’s at its worst.

and my depression on top of my anxiety, and my ocd have been at its worst for nearly 3 years now. so whenever i got a new idea, i begun a draft and then i couldn’t come back to work on it.

i try of course, i open my drafts regularly but, as i’m unable to work on them i just grow guilty of not being able to write.

i know i’m far from being a huge, popular blog, but opening this blog i fell once again into a trap of my own making: pressuring myself to write because i have to, well, because i feel that i have to. that if i can stick up to a schedule and just get it done i will be able to overcome my slump.

and i’ve just recently realized that, that isn’t possible. cause i’ve turned one of my biggest sources of happiness into a chore, an obligation, a lifesaver to magically cure me from my clinical depression. making me completely unable to write without feeling like i’m fighting against myself to win a prize that in the end doesn’t give me satisfaction.

long story short, i made myself hate writing. and i’m done with that.

i wanna write from a place of happiness again. i don’t wanna feel like i’m letting anyone down if i don’t post, or if i don’t finish a draft. or if i can’t write as beautifully as i would like. since i’m not a native english speaker sometimes it’s hard to not compare myself to other writers and feel frustrated cause i just know that if i were writing in my native language i could do so much more.

to begin closing this post that it’s definitely getting more than long:

this is a new beginning.

i don’t plan to stop writing, but i’m just gonna let myself go at my own pace. i’ve been dying for kinktober to begin and i’ve wanted to participate on it for years so i’m gonna focus on that for the time being.

meaningless effort is on hiatus until further notice which was something i was so afraid to admit cause i just didn’t wanna let anybody down. i but i hope you can’t understand and will be there to support it if/when i come back to it.

i guess this is a post more for myself than for anyone who is reading this, [but if you are, i wanna thank you for all your support]

the lack of feedback of course is also an important factor on my lack of motivation, but that’s a topic other authors have addressed far more eloquently that i could on this post. a,so, feeling my writing as chore i was in o place to ask for more comments or interactions like reblogs cause it just made me feel guilty in the past.

i guess if i had to sum it up i’d say it’s far more important that you are happy with your writing before trying to please anyone else. you shouldn’t try to prove yourself to anyone else, even if that someone is you. and if you’re not happy anymore doing something [try to see if you can reconcile with it, and if you can’t that’s valid] whatever you do, do it from your heart, do it for yourself and whatever comes next will be okay.

tldr— new beginnings, mental health ruined writing for me but i’m starting again, kinktober is my main focus & i will write to make myself happy, stay tuned if you’d like :)

thank you for reading all the way trough if you do, i sincerely hope life is nice to you & i’m sending you good vibes.

love you all 🤍🤍🤍

— sun

#— sun speaks #— announcement #about the blog

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val-aquenta · 4 years ago

Text

Ok so I got asked to talk about sexism in Star Wars. Specifically the judgement from fans being harsher for female characters as opposed by their male counterparts.

I’m often hesitant to talk about sexism in general because I’m not super well-versed on this topic despite being a woman myself lol. And I’m also hesitant to talk about it in relation to Star Wars because the fandom is so very sexist, but I’ll give it a shot.

So the big issue is pretty obvious in the sequel trilogy. Rey was, and still is, heavily judged for a multiple things that are ignored for male characters. Off the top of my head, I can think of the whole training thing. Many people say that Rey doesn’t really do any training, meaning she is undeserving of any of the powers she has. While, to a degree, I agree here. (The whole force healing thing was pulled out of thin fucking air ok) I don’t think she deosn’t do training. She knows how to fight with a staff, it’s demonstrated. Despite the fact that a lightsaber is different, the skills do translate over, so it makes sense that Rey is able to weild a lightsaber as good as she handles a staff, which she is hown to be really comfortable with. Main problem is that lots of folks are mad about this, but fail to see similar things happening with otehr characters who are male. Honestly, I see both sides of the story. I think that yes, Rey knows how to weild a lightsaber from her staff, it makes sense. I’m not greatly versed in the OT (I mainly stick to prequel era garbage. I love my Jedi ok) but I do recall that Luk loses his first fight with Vader because he isn’t trained well enough. Similar to that, Anakin loses a hand on the first fight we see with him a decade after he begun training, but imo that was about him being reckless not untrained. Anywas, my point is Rey can weild a lightsaber well because of her staff fighting, and that completely makes sense. what doesn’t make sense is the amount of fucking hate she gets for this. The problem is peopl nitpick so so fucking much at Rey, but then they fail to do the same to male characters who got hrough similar shit. There is this double standard in that men can learn at very fast rates and there be no issue bu god forbid a woman do the same.

Next part is about Luminara lol. I fucking love her ok. So, there are plenty of characters who are reserved in Star Wars. Obi-Wan is pretty reserved especiall in tcw, Cody and Fox are both reserved. Mace Windu as well is reserved when he has to be, yet they are never called out for it, or they very rarely are. However, when a female character is reserved, suddenly they’re eMoTIoNleSs. For example. Cody is beloved despite seeming pretty reserved (imo especially pre s7) and many people really love Cody. I do too. Obi-Wan as well is one of my favourite characters despite his reserved and calm nature, and especially in tcw for some reason. One of the reasons I love him is that he isn’t like a volcano of emotion like Anakin is, and knows to control himself lest he become a threat to his friends. This is one of the reasons I love Luminara and Shaak Ti, because it is obvious that they do care, but they know that they can not get carried away with it. It’s why I love Jedi traditions/philosophy. Controlling oneself is extrememly important, and I love that there is a group of people who are like that when it’s so often shown that being overly emotional is good. However, for some reason, a lot of people really hate Luminara and blame lots of dumb shit on her. I would probably say a lot of it is sexism because women are ‘meant’ to be ‘emotional creatures’ so when a character breaks that mold and doesn’t fall apart at the idea of possibly losing someone they love, they’re villified for it. And my thing is, why do so many people hate Luminara for being reserved and knowing that being overly emotional is not the best answer, when they like other characters because they’re reserved. Big example is Obi-Wan as he is one of the most liked characters (I think. Lol I’m biased) But yeah. he’s pretty stoic, but no one says shit about him that much, but god fucking forbid Luminara be the same.

And kind of going off on a tangent here, but the sexualisation of women in Star Wars. Yikes. Like of course Padmè had to wear an artuflly ripped crop top version of her skintight white thing at Geonosis. Of course. And putting a 14 year old Ahsoka in a tube top and leggings....? HUH? Kinda yikes. I get not making a flowy nun outfit or whatever, but Obi-Wan isn’t wearing a tube top thing, is he? They could have given Ahsok cool robes like Shaak Ti or Luminara but no... they’re going to give her some ridiculous skintight thing. Anyways yeah. Also the amount of nitpicking over a character is always on a character who is female of a POC or something like that. I don’t see people nitpicking about shit for Kylo Ren, but of course y’all hate Rey for no reason other than existing.

So... yeah. I hope I was able to communicate my thoughts properly? If you need clarification, just ask Sorry if it’s salty, but yeah.

@jedimasterbailey hope this was good? I’m not super good at articulating my thoughts, but here it is.

#ask game #long post #Luminara Unduli #shaak ti #rey

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dangitdespair · 4 years ago

Note

Hey so i was the one that asked if requests were open and you don’t have to apologize is ok dear! So may i request Fuyuhiko proposing to his s/o?

Warning: Contains spoilers for SDR2 ending!

This is my first time writing for Fuyuhiko properly, so I hope it’s good,,,

- mod shuichi

By the way, please let me know if there are any mistakes. I wrote this kinda late and didn’t proof read it so there might be some goof ups in there.

The two of you had been through it all, pretty much. The killing game was finally over and the two of you were part of the remaining few who managed to overcome despair and make a future for yourselves.

Through the trials and ordeals that you had been thrown into head first, you managed to live it through. And it’s thanks to those tormenting events that the two of you were as close as you were. Your relationship had been forged in arduous times, but that’s what made it stronger.

A few years had passed since the ending of the killing game and with everyone regaining their consciousness. You and Fuyuhiko were travelling around the world with Future Foundation with the goal of undoing what damage the Tragic Event had brought. Such a life for the two of you was stressful, but it took you to many different places. One such place was a beautiful beach town on the tropical shores of the country you had just finished work in. Your assignment had just been completed, so the two of you are staying in the town for a few more days just to relax a bit.

For a while now, Fuyuhiko has been planning something, but he keeps putting it off, as it never feels like the right time. It never feels like the right time to ask you to marry him. He’s even got the ring and everything that he takes everywhere with him. He is deeply in love with you and wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his days with you, yet he doesn’t know when to ask. Or how to ask.

On the final day before you are supposed the leave the country together, Fuyuhiko is lying on your shared bed in the hotel you were stating in. His thoughts are swirling with you and self doubt that he’d ever be able to ask you. He’s had enough of these stupid-ass doubts! He rolls over, grabs his phone, and messages Peko, asking for help. But the answer he gets back is perplexing.

“‘I have to make it the right time’? The fuck is that supposed to mean?” He grumbles to himself, combing his fingers through his short blond hair in frustration. He continues to read the rest of Peko’s message. “‘I’ll keep thinking it’s never the right time if I keep thinking that’? ‘Just be myself’? ‘BECAUSE THEY FELL IN LOVE WITH THE REAL ME’?!” Fuyuhiko progressively gets louder and louder. He’s incredibly thankful you’re not there to hear his shouting. He sends back a ‘thanks’ and drops his phone off the side of the bed onto the carpeted floor.

So, with Peko’s words of wisdom now in his mind, he begins to formulate a plan in his mind.

~~~

That evening, you notice that Fuyuhiko is acting strange. He suggests that the two of you go for a walk on the beach. That’d be fine if he was almost never the one that initiated any dates. You noticed that he would be staring at you, only to look away last second when he notices you. Not to mention that he seems to be incredibly awkward. It was like the two of you had just begun dating again.

The two of you left at sunset after a nice dinner you had thrown together. It definitely wasn’t Teruteru level dining, but Fuyuhiko loved whatever you made, anyway. After a little bit of random talking about things, you notice something. Fuyuhiko seems to be rather tense, so you try to ask him what’s wrong. Except he doesn’t say anything. He would have normally brushed it off as nothing or began swearing like a sailor while ranting. But he remained silent this time. Only reaching out to hold your hand. Your eyes widen for a brief second, but your face fades into a smile. “Feeling brave, huh?” You tease. Fuyuhiko was never one for PDA, even though you’d been in a relationship for a few years now.

Then two of you continue to walk hand in hand until Fuyuhiko suddenly stops. You’re confused and turn to look back at him. “Are you alright?” You begin, when the shorter man falls to his knee. Your eyes widen in disbelief. Is he going to-?

“(Y/N), I... we’ve both been through some real tough shit. But we stuck together through it. We’ve literally been to fuckin’ hell and back, but we’re still together. You’ve been by my side the whole time. I’m just a short, grumpy heir to a massive criminal syndicate, yet you still love me. And I... I’m the same way. I love you too. So much. So that’s why I... I...” Fuyuhiko trails off his sentence and quickly wipes his teary eyes with his sleeve. He removes his hand from his pocket and reveals a ring box. In it, contained the most beautiful ring you had ever seen. You could feel your knees beginning to give out. Was this really real?

“Gah, I’m just gonna say it. That’s why I want you to marry me!” He calls out. You can hardly believe your ears. Once Fuyuhiko’s determined expression softens, he continues. “So we can make a future together.”

The scene is beautiful. The soft waves lapping at the shore, the gentle ocean breeze, and the fading purple and orange sky, illuminating the both of you. Unable to say articulate any words, all you can do is tackle Fuyuhiko into a bear hug. It’s not hard to knock him over since he’s so small. The two of you go hurdling back into the sand, with you laughing and crying at the same time. You couldn’t be happier.

“Yes!” You cry into his chest. You’ve got to look like an absolute mess right now. “Yes! I will!” After taking a deep breath, you settle down. “I’m so happy right now.”

The two of you sit up with your foreheads touching. Luckily, Fuyuhiko had held onto the ring so it didn’t go flying into the sand when you knocked him over. He carefully slides it onto your finger, where you admire it with an outstretched arm.

“You deserve nothing but happiness.” He says softly.

“I love you, Fuyuhiko,” You smile against him.

“I love you too, (Y/N) Kuzuryu,” he replies.

You can’t believe this has happened. Your future gets to be with the one you love. The two of you couldn’t be any happier.

#sdr2 spoilers #danganronpa #danganronpa x reader #sdr2 #fuyuhiko kuzuryuu #fuyuhiko x reader #mod shuichi #fluff #tooth rotting fluff

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justahopelessssromantic · 4 years ago

Text

Wasted Time

“Well, I was going to request how they’re best friends, but girl is shy, doesn’t really know how to articulate that she likes Angel so while she is practicing to tell Angel, she says it to EZ and the only thing Angel hears is that she’s in love with EZ which breaks him. And she kind of goes to him cause he starts ignoring her and then confesses when he’s trying to walk away and like Coco and Gilly just go “Fuck,” Coco handed over a 20 dollar bill to Gilly. “Angel, how are you not gonna be the one to confess?” And then maybe smut? Cause she runs from him after she confesses cause she’s kind of like horrified lol and then he goes to see her kisses and smut.” @starrynite7114

A/N: Thank you so much for the request Twinnie! I feel so honored you entrusted me with your amazing idea! I hope it was all you wanted and more 😘. I love you so so much ❤️❤️❤️ And thank y’all so much for reading! I hope you all enjoy 💜

*gif not mine*

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Smut. The works 😘 18+ Only.

"So, we still on for our horror movie marathon tonight?" You asked Angel as you walked with him into the scrapyard.

"Fuck, that's tonight?" He turned to you acting confused before he couldn't hold it in any longer and smiled.

You shook your head, shoving him playfully. "God you're such an asshole" You giggled as he rather dramatically over reacted in his stumbling from your shove.

He "regained" his balance as he chuckled. "Of course we're still on. I could never forget our monthly movie marathon."

Angel and you had been best friends since forever. You did everything together and were there for every high or low of each other's lives. When Angel began prospecting he knew he'd have less time for you so you came up with the deal that you would at least have one movie night every month where he could just focus on you giving you time together. For the most part this tradition had held up minus a few rescheduling but in the end you'd always still have your one night.

You looked forward to them every month. Each month you'd pick a different genre and you'd play movies all through the night staying up together. There was always lots of snacks, laughter, and conversation. It was those moments you cherished most and those moments that made it even harder to suppress your true feelings for Angel.

"Got to get in there for Templo," he said nodding towards the front entrance to the clubhouse. "I'll pick you up at eight. Don't forget to bring an extra pair of pants in case you piss yourself again." He smirked at you knowing how saying this would get under your skin. You were so easy to rile up he didn’t even really have to try anymore.

You smacked his chest. He could be so infuriating sometimes. "I did not piss myself! You and I both know I spilt my drink."

"Uh huh." He nodded, chuckling. "Whatever makes you feel better, querida."

"I didn't!" You protested. You could feel your face heating up as you became more flustered."Of course not." He held his hands up. "I'm just saying I left to make some more popcorn and when I came back…" he trailed off. He loved seeing you like this, all worked up. He thought it was adorable.

"What I remember is you left then proceeded to sneak up on me and scare the shit out of me during a jump scare which caused my drink to spill all over me." You crossed your arms staring him down trying to push down the ever creeping embarrassment.

"Well I guess we'll just have to see what happens tonight and then we'll know who's telling the truth." He teased some more, watching how you were trying to keep up the tough exterior. Leaning over he gave you a kiss on the cheek secretly wanting to kiss you properly but pushing the thought to the back of his mind. "I can't wait for tonight." He said as he walked away and towards the clubhouse. He turned back once calling out to you "eight o'clock"

"Eight o'clock." You agreed, giving him a smile as you watched him until he disappeared out of sight.

"Aren't you two cute."

You jumped turning around and smacking EZ's arm. "What the hell is wrong with you Reyes boys." You held your hand to your chest trying to settle your thumping heart down.

"Sorry." He grinned. "Didn't know you'd be so jumpy, but then again you always get sucked into your own little world with Angel, blocking everything out but him. It's adorable." He teased. "Why exactly is it you still haven't confessed your feelings yet?"

You sighed deeply. Right now you were wishing you had never told EZ about how you were madly in love with his brother but you needed someone to talk to and EZ was your shoulder to cry on after you had found out Angel had a date with some other girl. Hearing that broke you but thankfully it didn't last long.

"It's not like I haven't tried." You ran your hand over your face peeking back out at EZ. "Shit I've tried so many times," you whined uncovering your face. "But every time my stomach just jumbles in knots and I feel like I'm gonna hurl and I can't even form a coherent sentence I just stumble over whatever it is I'm trying to spit out." You huffed crossing your arms, "Why is it that the easiest person for me to talk to also happens to be the hardest?" With Angel you could tell him anything and that's what made it all the more frustrating that you couldn't seem to get this one thing, possibly the most important thing out.

EZ felt for you, he really did. You and Angel would be the perfect couple if one of you would just get the guts to finally tell the other how you really felt. "Pretend I'm Angel." He offered.

"What?" You widen your eyes not liking where you were certain this was going.

"Well the only way to get better at something is practice, right?" EZ stated matter of factly. "Just try it. Pretend I'm Angel and tell me how you feel."

"This is ridiculous." You tried to protest but EZ just gave you a look telling you he wasn't going to let it go. "Promise you won't make fun of me." You mumbled giving in.

"You know me (Y/N). I wouldn't do that." He placed his hand on your shoulder reassuring you making you feel more comfortable with the idea.

"Ok well." You hesitated a moment gathering your courage and your thoughts. You took a deep breath ready to say what you've been wanting to for so long now. "I'm in love with you, Angel.” You started feeling a little silly but continuing on anyways. “I think I first discovered my feeling that first movie night when you checked every hidden place in my house to ensure there was nothing hiding in wait for me and then spent the whole night with me so I would feel safe." You smiled fondly at the memory getting lost in your words. "It was from then on that I just kept falling. I love you, have always loved you, and will never stop loving you." It felt good to finally get it all out. Your smile grew as you looked at EZ. Tonight would be the night. You were finally going to tell Angel you were in love with him.

However, what you didn't know was that Angel had come back out after Templo to see if you were still around. He was just coming around the side of the building when he heard you say the most heartbreaking words to his brother. That you loved him and always would love him. Again EZ was the better option, taking another person from his life. His chest tightened. The feeling was so constricting he felt like he couldn't breath. Turning back around quickly he made his way as far away from you two as he could before stopping on the other side of the building and leaning his back against it for support. He couldn't believe he could be so stupid. And to think he had it all planned out, tonight would be the night he was going to confess his love for you once and for all. He mentally kicked himself for being such a fool.

Needless to say that night Angel did not pick you up for your movie night. He wouldn’t even pick up his phone or answer your texts. You brushed it off, he must have got caught up in club stuff and you’d reschedule like you had in the past but that never happened.

You came by the clubhouse the next day and were told he was busy. Again you brushed it off but you could only do that so many times.

You were talking to EZ on the phone complaining to the youngest brother, “Do you know what is going on with your brother?”

“I have no clue,” EZ said honestly. “I haven’t spoken much with him. He’s been avoiding me for some reason. He won’t talk to me.”

You felt better knowing it wasn’t just you getting the cold shoulder but you still couldn’t think of any reason behind Angel’s actions. “Huh,” you said. “Okay, well I’m going by the scrapyard today. He’s going to talk to me whether he likes it or not.”

“Good luck,” EZ said. “Let me know what you find out.”

You stormed into the scrapyard coming up behind Angel as he worked on his bike. “Why the hell are you avoiding me?!” You snapped crossing your arms. You had enough of whatever was going on and wouldn’t back down until you had some answers.

Angel let out a long sigh in frustration when he heard your voice. Chucky had one job. He stood up wiping his hands on his pants and turning around to face you. He shook his head brushing you off, “I’m not avoiding you.”

“Really?” You laughed bitterly. “Okay then what exactly would you call what you’ve been doing?”

“I’ve just been busy.” He said leaning back against his bike. He didn’t want to have this conversation now or ever. It was too painful for him to see you and picture his brother by your side.

“Too busy for me?” You asked.

Angel could hear the hurt in your voice and it just made everything that much harder on him. He didn’t want to lose you or cause you pain but he couldn’t stand the thought of you being with EZ more. He had to look out for himself and until he could move past you being around you was a terrible idea.

“What about our movie nights?” You added. It was really about the movie nights it was about missing him. Angel was a huge part of your life and to have him ignoring you, not being able to talk to him, it just felt like there was a giant Angel shaped hole in your heart. Your life just wanted the same without him around.

“Thought you’d rather have them with EZ now.”

“EZ? Why would I want to do that with EZ?” Now you were really confused. “That’s our thing, Angel.”

“I don’t know maybe because I love you, have always loved you, and will never stop loving you.” He mocked you. “I fucking heard you (Y/N). You could’ve at least given me a heads up before you professed your love to my brother. I thought we told each other everything but apparently not.” Now he couldn’t hold back the jealousy that had wrecked through him. It hurt him, you hurt him and he wanted you to feel just as shitty as he had. “I’m not doing this now.” Angel huffed walking past you, brushing by you as he went.

It was all coming together now in your mind. Angel somehow must have heard you when you were practicing with EZ and now it made so much sense why he was avoiding you both.

“God you are so infuriating sometimes!” You snapped yelling after him. You rarely raised your voice to anyone let alone him so you definitely got the attention of everyone around. All this time you were thinking you must have done something wrong, your mind running around in circles trying to figure it out and it was all just because of a fucking misunderstanding. “I wasn’t confessing my love to EZ, you jackass! I was practicing confessing to you!” You yelled at him. At this point you didn’t care anymore. You were only thinking about the idiot whose back was to you. “Fuck, because for some reason I’m in love with you Angel!” You finally got out. When all was said and done however everything you had just said out loud finally registered. The adrenaline ran out of your body just as quickly as it had surged through leaving you feeling embarrassed and vulnerable. Two things you hated feeling the most.

Angel stopped in his tracks as his mind processed what you had just said.

Fight or flight kicked in fast for you and before you knew it you had spun around and were rushing out of the scrapyard and to your car before anyone could say anything to you. You were mortified and humiliated. Now everyone knew and you were sure they were all having a good laugh at you.

“Did you just say you loved me?” He asked, turning around expecting to see you there but only finding Gilly and Coco standing there.

“Fuck,” Coco grumbled slipping a twenty out and passing it to Gilly who took it with a smug grin. He was certain Angel would be the one to have the balls to confess to you first but apparently he was wrong about his hermano. “Angel, how are you not going to be the one to confess?”

“Fuck,” Angel groaned running his hand over his beard, tugging at the end. “I fucked up, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you fucked up bad.” Gilly agreed.

Curled up on your couch with your favorite pair of sweatpants on and worn down shirt you scrolled through the various titles on Netflix trying to distract your mind but nothing was really sticking out at you. You wanted to sink into yourself and wallow in the horrible feeling of having just word vomited your feelings for everyone to hear. You hugged the pillow tighter to your chest and buried your face into its plush material groaning.

A knock on your door pulled you away from your moment. Your stomach grumbled as you sat up assuming the pizza you had ordered had finally arrived. You hurried over to the door not really caring that you looked like a mess only wanting the delicious food awaiting you on the other side.

You swung the door open heart stopping as you saw Angel standing there on the other side. Your face immediately turned to a scowl. “What are you doing here?” You asked him.

“Querida, I just want to talk about earlier.”

You turned back walking into your home knowing Angel would follow you in. “If you’re here to make fun of me some more I’d rather you just left.” You plopped back onto your couch burying your face in your hands

Angel cautiously approached you, crouching down in front of you. “I’m not here to make fun of you (Y/N).” He said taking your hands in his and gently pulling them away from your face.

You still couldn’t bring yourself to make full eye contact with him as you looked around. “Then why are you here?”

“I’m here because,” he said, preparing himself to tell you what he had been wanting to tell you for years now. “I’m here because I’m in love with you too.”

“What?” You asked, meeting his gaze now, melting under his soft eyes. “Don’t play with me Angel.” You couldn't take it if this was some attempt at a joke.

“I’m not playing, mi dulce.” Angel reassured you, running his thumbs soothingly across the back of your hands. Having your touch against his gave him the courage to go on. “I love you, (Y/N). I’ve been in love with you but feared you would never feel the same way about me so I kept it to myself. You’re my best friend, I can’t lose you. I didn’t want to put what we had in jeopardy.”

“Angel, you should have told me.” You said. Your heart was beating faster now as you were very aware of his touch. “We were supposed to tell each other everything.”

“Yeah we were.” Angel chuckled now feeling ridiculous for how blown up things had gotten. “Well I’m telling you now. I love you, (Y/N).” He said once more.

You smiled biting your bottom lip as you looked at his lips. “Well what are you waiting for then?” You asked him feeling more bold now. “Are you going to kiss me or what?”

Angel grinned standing up some and cupping your face in his large hands. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he pulled you to the ground with him bringing his lips to yours. Straddling his lap he ran his hands down your back as your tongues tangled together. Reaching the hem of your shirt he pulled away to slip the fabric over your head groaning when he saw you weren’t wearing a bra.

You instinctively went to wrap your arms around your chest feeling small under his gaze but he caught your arms before you could do so. His gaze lingered on your chest making you even more nervous until he looked back up into your eyes. “Fuck, you’re absolutely stunning.”

You smiled gasping out as he leaned over pulling your nipple into his mouth and swirling his tongue around the nub. You ran your hands through his hair as you threw your head back, overwhelmed by the stimulation. You bit your lip holding back a moan as his hand traveled down your stomach and into your sweats.

Angel slipped his middle finger between your lips loving how wet you already were. He ran his finger up and down gathering your juices before settling on your clit running circles around it. You bit your lip harder, legs jolting involuntarily at the sensation. You pulled on his hair causing him to growl against your skin making you even wetter.

He kissed and sucked his way up your body settling into the crook of your neck as his fingers made quick work of bringing you over the edge. Your eyes rolled back as you cried out his name, the sound being like music to Angel's ears. He captured your lips with his sucking on your bottom lip as he guided you through the shockwaves of your orgasm.

Angel pulled back smirking as he watched you catch your breath, your breasts rising and falling with each ragged breath you took. He took great pride in knowing that your pleasure had come from him. He laid you down gently on the floor removing his cut and shirt before leaning down to hover above you. His hand ran up your side sending a shiver through your body.

He kissed you slowly, savoring the taste of you. Angel pulled away causing you to whine as you tugged on his bottom lip not wanting him to part from you. Your neediness for him only made him that much harder.

"Do you know how many nights I've dreamt of this moment?” He purred, licking his lips as he looked you up and down, loving how exposed you were to him. “Of your body against mine, my name spilling from your lips like a prayer as you claw at my back.” He smirked down at you as he looked into your eyes, so dark with lust. “How many times I've woken up in a sweat with the taste of you on my tongue and the aching need for you in my bed."

You weren’t going to lie, everything he was saying was just turning you on more, making your body burn for his touch, for him to fill you up. You wanted him and no one else ever again. “Angel,” you breathed out still coming down from your release.

“Yes?"

“Would you please just shut up,” you smirked at him “And fuck me already.”

Angel chuckled, his own eyes darkening now.“As you wish, querida. But just know you asked for it.”

Making quick work of discarding his pants you did the same both checking each other out thoroughly once you were both bare. You licked your lips as you stared at his thick cock.

“You like what you see?” Angel asked, cockily noticing your gaze. “Cause I sure as hell do.”

“What did I say about the talking?” You teased.

If you wanted Angel to fuck you then that’s what he was going to fucking do. He’d make sure he’d be the one you wouldn’t forget and if he had it his way it would be just you and him for the rest of your lives. Bringing his hand between your knees he spread you out before him giving him a better view of your slick pussy.

He grabbed himself teasing you, stroking the tip of his cock up and down your slit gathering your juices. You whined some more reaching up to bring him down to you. He could only hold out so long himself before giving in. Slipping in slowly your mouth fell open as he stretched you out. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he stayed still a moment allowing you to adjust around him.

“Fuck, you’re so tight.” He grunted looking down to watch as he began his movements, thrusting in and out at a slow pace.

He felt so good filling you up, you’ve never felt so full but you needed more from him or you’d go crazy. You reached up tilting his chin to look at you instead of where you came together as one. “Angel, baby,” you pleaded. “I need you to pick up the pace.” You gasped out as he thrusted deeper.

Doing as you wished he leaned down sucking on your flesh as he began pounding into you faster. You reached out to him, your hands finding their way to his back and digging in. He hissed out at the sting loving the way you reacted to him. He kept up the pace as your walls tightened around him. Your breath was ragged as his name spilled from your lips just as he had dreamed. You arched your back into his chest as his thrusts became more frantic. Reaching down he began running quick circles around your clit with his thumb speeding up your release.

You felt the familiar sensation gather in the pit of your stomach. Before you knew it you were whisked away into an euphoric state, Angel giving you a few more good thrusts before he twitched inside you spilling out and filling you up, moaning out your name.

Angel collapsed down just barely holding his weight off of you as he groaned into the crook of your neck leaving a few sloppy kisses. He picked his head up with a dopey grin on his face. “God I fucking love you.”

“That good, huh?” You teased breathless and beat.

“The best.” He smirked leaning down and giving you one more kiss before pulling out of you and plopping down beside you.

You both stared up at the ceiling just listening to the other’s shallow breaths, your bodies sticky and sweaty.

“Just give me a minute and I’ll be ready for round two.” Angel chuckled from beside you. Your favorite sound in the world.

After a few moments you flipped over on your side propping your head up with one arm and walking your fingers up his chest with the other. “You ready for round two yet?” You asked, smiling sweetly at him.

Turning over on his side he pulled you close to his chest. His hand found his way to your ass giving you a good smack causing you to squeal out. You pulled back giving his chest a smack. “Asshole.” You muttered, the smile still finding its way to your lips regardless.

“I’m ready now.” He smirked, wiggling his eyebrows before pushing you over and pinning you down beneath him. He kissed your jaw and down your neck getting lower and lower when there was a knock on the door.

Angel groaned picking his head up to look at you. “Who the fuck is that?”

Your face lit up as you sat up. “Pizza!” You smiled at Angel remembering the pizza you had ordered before Angel came over. Reaching over you grabbed Angel’s plaid and pulled it on buttoning it up, smiling at him. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” he grinned. “Looks better on you anyways. Angel grabbed his boxer briefs, slipping them on quickly. “I got it.” He said standing up and walking over to your front door to receive the food.

Getting up off the ground you climbed onto the couch sitting on your knees as you eagerly watched Angel bring the pizza back to you. He set it down on the table beside you grabbing a slice and settling into the soft cushions. Crawling over you snuggled into his lap, your back against his chest after grabbing your own slice. By now you were both starving after having worked up quite the appetite.

Angel grabbed the remote turning on your tv and going to Netflix. “So what shall it be tonight?” He asked, determined to keep the movie night tradition going.

You looked over at him giving him a smile before settling back in against him. “Hmm,” you thought it over for a minute, “How about Nightmare on Elm Street?”

“Okay,” Angel agreed, staring the film up and wrapping his pizza free arm around you. “You know how much fucking time we wasted when we could have been doing this?” He wasn’t just talking about the sex but everything. Having you in his arms, as his girl, eating pizza, conveniently after some great fucking sex was his idea of a perfect night and now here you were. “I’m done with that. I’m not going to waste a single moment with you ever again.” He promised and from that day forward he never did.

Everything Tag List: @jad3djay @fairygardenss @carlaangel86 @briannab1234 @starrynite7114 @agirllovespasta @howaboutash @gemini0410 @naytraydr @knowles-morgan @woahitslucyylu @everyhowlmarksthedead @ktiz90 @brothersofmayhem @ifoundmyhappythought @vsfavs @scuzmunkie @chibsytelford @briana-mishell24 @curvynerdfan

#angel reyes #angel reyes imagine #angel reyes x reader #mayans mc #mayans mc imagine #request

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indiaalphawhiskey · 4 years ago

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Hi India! You make such a good point in your comments about concrit that I hadn't been able to articulate before. I find, both as beta and as writer, that a project goes best when we've talked through the vision for a fic before putting pen to paper. Having the bigger picture in mind helps smooth out smaller issues along the way. Maybe that vision won't be what a random reader wants but that doesn't matter! It's the writer's fic!

Hi darling! ♥️

Thank you for saying that, I’m glad I was able to articulate myself properly. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to share a little more of my thoughts on this. Apologies in advance Anon, because this is going to get long (and I’m on mobile so I can’t place it under a cut) and it might sound a little... er... impassioned, but please know that’s not directed at you. I just have a lot of ~feelings.

I think, so often, people try to justify leaving their opinions on fics by labeling it constructive criticism, and then, when they get called on basically being mean, they shame authors for “not being gracious enough to just swallow it.”

But here’s the thing — for criticism to actually be constructive, I think it has to be (i) solicited, (ii) a two-way conversation, and lastly (iii) actionable.

Feedback from my betas usually come about by me sending them a scene, and asking them a series of very specific questions (ie. me soliciting advice on something specific.) Why? Because, as you said, we’ve likely (100%) exhaustively discussed this beforehand, so they actually have a picture of what my goal was, and how far the actual execution was from it. Betas have something that normal readers don’t — knowledge of intent. They know what I meant to do and why, and so when they comment on how to adjust something, it’s actually helpful. You can’t help someone hit a target when you yourself don’t know where it is.

Next, actual constructive criticism is a two-way conversation. It’s not just someone saying “I didn’t like this because this, this, this.” And the author having no means to actually explain why they did, in fact, intend to write it that way. (Comments and replies on AO3 are not considered a suitable means for this discussion, and frankly, real conversations need to begin with solicitation anyway.) It’s not constructive if only one party gets to say their piece, and the other one only has the option of either taking it silently, or looking like a defensive asshole in their own comments.

Lastly, it’s imperative that real concrit is actionable. Timing is important, which is again the advantage betas have over regular readers. Betas can actually give comments at moments where authors can fix it. Whether it’s bad grammar, spelling errors, or a gigantic plot hole, no one is going to see a comment on AO3, take down their entire fic, edit it based on that comment, and then upload it again. It’s just not going to happen, and here lies the crux of the question: is it really constructive if nothing can be done to improve it? The answer is no.

“But India!” People will say. “It’s so they can improve their next fic.” The answer is still no. Because yes, there’s an off chance that the comment will be like water off a duck’s back, the author will take it, and fondly remember it the next time they write. OR. What’s much more likely to happen is, instead of improving, the author will get discouraged, and either decide never to write again, or carry that crtiticism with them and get anxiety about writing style, and second guess their characters, and their grammar, so on and so forth.

At the end of the day, people need to remember that the onus of improvement is on the author, not the audience. If the author feels they need to improve, I guarantee you, they will walk to the ends of the earth to get there, but you have to let them decide that for themselves, and then let them decide how. And if you don’t like that, don’t consume their work. Because, let’s be honest — 98.7% of the reason people write fan fiction at all is for fun. Yes, some of us want to improve. Yes, some of us want to get published, have book deals, the whole nine yards. But all of us — absolutely all of us — just want to have fun. Please don’t shit on the fun.

P.S. If anyone absolutely has to give concrit, do it right by signing up to be a beta on @twopoppies’ blog. The end.

#concrit #writing discussion #beta #iaw ask #iaw anonymous #my opinion #long post

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beautifuldarkmind · 3 years ago

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tw // s*lf harm, su*cidal ideation (sorry)

Hey, it’s the creepy NHS anon here.

Thank you for responding to my ask! I’m sorry you had such a rough time getting a diagnosis. You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. Honestly it sucks that the NHS is so reluctant to diagnose anything mental health related.

When I was 14 I thought I had depression and anxiety. I finally convinced my mum to take me to the doctors when I was 16. The doctor was super nice. She tested my thyroid function just to make sure nothing else was causing my feelings, then referred me to CAMHS. That was…an interesting experience. I remember asking my counsellor to diagnose me, but then at the next session she said she couldn’t, that it “wouldn’t be helpful” because I was still growing. Now that I think about it, one of the days I was at school and during a class I was furious for some reason. I even said to a classmate that I was willing to fight anyone who got in my way. Despite my mum disagreeing with me, I cancelled my appointment that day. (My mum was worried they’d stop my sessions all together if I cancelled, but they didn’t.)

Fast toward to recent years and I’ve been on and off attempting to get a diagnosis. Last year (so when I was about 18) I asked to be referred to the autism clinic, and thankfully the GP accepted, but the clinic is still closed and even when it’s open I’ll still have to wait, possibly several years. Then I made another appointment (different GP) to be referred to a psychiatrist. She refused, saying that GPs are trained to deal with mental health issues. I brought up OCD, so she asked where I got my information from. When I told her I researched it online, she just brushed it off and then did the typical depression/anxiety test and she said both were severe, then said “take some drugs” (which is didn’t because I didn’t trust taking drugs prescribed by someone who did a 3 minute yes/no type quiz without actually fully exploring my issues).

I spoke to a different GP just over a month ago to get a fit note for my Universal Credit. It was supposed to just be to make adjustments to what I was supposed to do, but he didn’t ask what the note was for, so he marked unfit for work. Which is great because that’s secretly what I wanted but feared being judged by people around me for thinking I needed that (particularly my parents). I mentioned that I thought I could have OCD and CPTSD, and he didn’t deny it but he simply said CBT helps for both. He then asked if I was currently doing CBT and I said I’d done it before but I quit. (That’s a whole other story but tldr I really don’t think it was for me, or at least the “therapist” wasn’t.) He said he would send a self referral link.

Fast forward to a few days ago and I had another appointment with him to discuss my fit note (because it only lasts for a month and you have to go back to renew it, which sucks). He asked if I had referred myself to CBT and I said I hadn’t yet because I didn’t want to, and he said “please do that for me” in a somewhat stern voice. I then brought up BPD and I think he said he would refer me? Honestly I was a bit overwhelmed because he called 40 mins early and I was in the car with my dad, so I was super weary of him asking questions about what I was saying to the doctor (but he didn’t). He then brought up PD support groups, which I’m considering doing, but you have to call up the place and I literally hate phone calls. Oh, speaking of which, all the appointments from the autism one onwards were all on the phone, so not only was I struggling to process what they were saying to me most of the time, but I was also so anxious that I couldn’t articulate my feelings properly. :)

Anyways, I am 20 now, which I only mention because I feel the same as what you mentioned. My brother is married, my childhood crush is married, my friend who I introduced to my friend group who then proceeded to discard me is getting married. Everyone seems to know exactly what they’re doing. They all have friends. But not me. I haven’t had friends since I was 14, and even then I don’t think that friend group was entirely wholesome. They made me feel like an outcast, like I was weird, that I needed to be more like them and not be like me. Which has probably contributed to me having a very vague sense of identity. And I feel like I’m still 14 and yet everyone is expecting me to behave like an adult. I’m supposed to know what I’m doing with my life even tho I literally cried in the shop when I was pressured to choose between 2 pizzas.

I have no support system. My own parents seem very dismissive of my problems, equating everything to social anxiety. When I’m stressed out of mind to the point of feeling suicidal, my parents say “that’s just life”, which…well, feeds into the feelings. For years I’ve felt stressed. Then if I’m not stressed I feel absolutely nothing. And if I’m not feeling empty I am angry, sometimes for no reason. And if I’m not angry, I am curled in a ball trying to bottle up the urge to self harm and batting away suicidal thoughts.

It’s like I have a huge chain pulling me down underwater and everyone else is in the beach drinking cocktails or something. Sometimes I thrash and try to get people to notice, but people think I’m just having fun. Other days I just feel like letting the chain pull me down.

Please forgive me for rambling and probably not having a very consistent train of thought in this post. I have a tendency to blab on about my “problems” (if they even are that), I guess as a way to connect? Idk. This post makes no sense.

I hope you’re having a good day. <3

- 🌸✨ (in case I send another ask again, but I’ll try not to because I don’t wanna bother you)

So sorry you're going through something similar. My GP sounded exactly how yours was, the typical anxiety/depression test and then just throwing those at you.. they dont seem to be trained in diagnosing and they dont want to hear anything more either. It's honestly almost impossible getting a diagnosis through them, the system here is really messed up... its just disappointing and seems to be failing so many people including you.

It does sound like you're going through a hard time, it's not nice especially when you feel a loss of self identity, you dont even know who you are and just feel lost in life. I think that was definitely the main point of realising something was up.. I had a VERY distorted view of myself and others around me and that was why I'd often self sabotage everything and then I'd feel so empty and angry at the world and just explode...

If you can go privately then do so, therapists are not able to diagnose and they will usually tell you 'we don't like to label' but even without a diagnosis you can still see if you can access DBT therapy. Amazon also has lots of DBT workbooks that I've used and its helped me to really understand myself!

If you often feel invalidated by your parents then that is known to cause BPD or borderline traits, especially if you've been suffering with mental illness in childhood and they tried to claim that it was nothing....you mentioned anxiety and I was told the approach my parents may have took to my severe anxiety is what brought on many of my symptoms of BPD. You start to feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way because your caregivers make it seem like the issue isnt important and you feel as if your feelings dont matter also because that is how you have been made to feel.

I'm not saying this is definitely the cause but in my case I was told that the constant feeling of invalidation may be why I have such a warped idea of myself and why I cannot regulate my emotions. I was never told HOW to regulate or shown how to, just told to ignore my emotions and now I dont know how to deal with them😀

but yeah I'd really recommend taking a look at some of those dbt books online or reading more into it so you have a better understanding of yourself. You've already taken the first step and that's identifying that something may be wrong so you are self aware and clearly want to change for the better 💕

I hope everything works out for you, it's not nice feeling this way but you've got this 🥺🙌

#ask #bpd #borderline personality disorder #tw

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1-800-i-ship-it · 4 years ago

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do you think bam or khun would be a better bf to their SO

Well well well anon you really making me compare this perfect ship with each other huh

Jk haha it’s just a tough q for me

(Also I apologize for taking so long to reply ahh)

As always, disclaimer: this is based on my own opinion so you are free to disagree or agree :)

I don’t think either bam or khun would be a better bf to their SO, I think they both have their strengths and weaknesses, like most couples will have.

Think I already mentioned what I think their love languages are already in another post but in case u forgot, I think Bam is quality time (main), words of affirmation and acts of service and khun as acts of service (main), combined with quality time and words of affirmation (yup i thought they’d both have similar things...i’ll explain myself)

Let’s go over them, shall we? (you can skip the love language part and jump to the line for the answer if you’ve already read it in my prev ask post/not interested)

Bam: Quality time because he really values the moments he spent with the friends he made in the tower and he appreciates each and every one of them (well, fuck rachel) but anyway, in my head bam just seems like the kind of person who would love quality time with the people he cares about <3 he’s said countless times how he would rather die than lose those that he cares about, and always rushes to protect everyone, so i think quality time would be his top one, and so as bam’s partner (ahem khun) just spending time with bam would make him happy :) and as for words of affirmation, I feel like bam would appreciate them a lot coming from those he loves (like khun!) if khun was like “I appreciate you” I bet bam would feel all warm and fuzzy inside and then say smth super cheesy back which would get khun to blush lmao; and finally acts of service cause bam kinda shows how he cares through saving everyone (like all the time) and yea Ifeel like he’d appreciate small things his partner does for him

Khun: I would guess that it would be acts of service, combined with quality time and words of affirmation, though I'm a bit iffy on words of affirmation because he does come from a family where he was forced to fight against other kids from his family where manipulation and deceit was probably very present. but I think he would really treasure real, genuine words of affirmation and would secretly like pet names even though he pretends to hate them (ahem only bam can call him those hehe). I think acts of service would still be the most prevalent, because that’s the main way that khun has shown his love/loyalty to bam, through actions that benefit bam etc… so I believe he would appreciate acts of service as well. I also think he would be the type of person to value actions more than words. For quality time, I think he’d enjoy having the attention of his SO and would just appreciate being able to spend time with them, small things like that.

______________________________________________

I wrote this with modern-day implications

Bam:

Strengths:

always has good intentions

super sweet

learns very quickly what his partner likes/dislikes

loyal to the end

extremely good at cooking

thoughtful but often forgets mundane things sometimes

always makes time for his partner and really values being able to spend time with them

very empathetic

somehow always knows what to do to make his partner happy

has an irresistible radiant smile

often showers his partner with a multitude of compliments

will not hesitate to remind his partner he loves them

appreciates his partner a lot and makes sure they know it

is a very good cuddler

will do anything for his partner

Weaknesses:

kinda oblivious abt like the most obvious things ngl

loyal to a fault sometimes

can seem clingy but he’s just afraid to lose his partner (one of his biggest fears is being alone)

might accidentally get his partner jealous bc he’s super nice to everyone

might overburden himself with everyone’s expectations and seem withdrawn and might have some trouble communicating with his partner

cares too much about others and too less about himself, so may frustrate partner by agreeing readily to things instead of expressing his own opinion

has trouble saying no to things he doesn’t want to do when people ask him for favors–leading to decreased quality time with his partner

has a lot of internal conflicts that may hinder his ability to be present with his partner

Khun:

Strengths:

very thoughtful, super thoughtful, did I mention thoughtful

pretty mature for the most part

has very good life skills and knows how to survive, aka always knows what’s going on and is typically “the responsible” one

does taxes well, manages finances very well

shows his love through actions, whether its getting his partner a little something on the way home, or making sure his partner has the lights turned on when working, or creating an elaborate plan to allow his partner to succeed without burdening his partner

extremely loyal to the right partner

makes excellent coffee

very organized and tidy

knows what he wants and has a lot of ambitions and thus plans for the future well ahead of time with his partner

is always prepared for the worst scenario, has a lot of savings for him and his partner

takes no BS and will not be afraid to provide his partner with honest advice even if it hurts

will do anything for his partner

Weaknesses:

won’t admit he’s thoughtful/a tsundere (could go in both categories)

kind of uptight sometimes

does not have much patience

always wanting to be in control of a situation may not let him fully be present with his partner at times

not very good at articulating his thoughts/feelings

overthinks a lot and worries too much which may lead to him acting cold to his partner

a workaholic that is not very good at taking care of his health

often pushes his feelings deep down instead of dealing with them properly

doesn’t think he deserves his partner and is really insecure but hides it very well

sometimes too caught up in his own head worrying about the future to be present and there for his partner

puts aside his well being for his partner too much

They both have their own strengths and weaknesses, but they work through it together with their respective partners who are obviously each other and are a power couple :D (ahem light bearer and wave controller power couple amirite)

Hope that answered your q anon!

Also @cannottranslate here’s the thing I was working on I hope it met ur expectations :’)

#bluris answers asks #asks #tower of god #bam #khun #khun aguero agnes #25th bam #khunbam #khun aguero agnis #kami no tou #this took me for-frickin-ever and idek why #i feel like i accidentally made some of these headcanons #oh well #anon i hope you enjoy #suggestions are welcome #omg i legit had to fix the placement of the keep reading line like 5 times sigh #ok its just broken

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allsassnoclass · 4 years ago

Text

you could bring down my level of concern

Michael is having a bad night. Ashton picks him up for ice cream

read on ao3

It’s just after one in the morning, and Michael doesn’t trust his ability to keep it together. He’s felt like his skin has been pressed too tightly the entire day, and that was before he realized that there’s an entire book he was supposed to read for his contemporary literature class, sitting untouched on his dresser. He’s got so many tabs open on his computer of assignments that he needs to finish, and he keeps forgetting that he has to email the financial aid office or he’s going to get a late fee on his bills but he can’t exactly email them now at one in the morning because they’re going to think he can’t get his life together on top of being an idiot for forgetting for so long. He’s been restlessly switching between different social media platforms and opening up Netflix only to close it again when nothing seems to fit, steadfastly ignoring the book, the articles he’s supposed to read with it, and all of the other homework for his music classes.

Shit. He didn’t practice today, and his professor is going to be able to tell when he has his lesson tomorrow.

Michael shifts and unlocks his phone again, but nothing has changed in the three seconds he’s been gone. He stares at his home screen for a moment, a picture of him and Ashton from before they got back to campus this year, smiles wide and tucked close together.

He saw Ashton two days ago, but he hasn’t really seen him for at least two weeks. With the new university policies, they’re not allowed to hang out in Ashton’s dorm room or Michael’s apartment anymore, nor be outside together without masks. This wouldn’t be such a big deal if they both were off campus and could sneak around, but Ashton is an RA. He’ll get immediately fired if they get caught, and if he somehow does manage to get the virus his entire floor will be put into official quarantine. It’s not just them who are at risk, and Ashton is too much of a bleeding heart to put all of his residents through that.

As such, Michael has eaten lunch outside with Ashton and facetimed him and spent a lot of time cuddled up to Calum to make up for the fact that he’s technically not allowed to touch Ashton (although no one has noticed them holding hands across the table, or a quick hug before they part for classes).

It’s getting chillier. When snow starts to fall, Ashton is going to need to concede to hanging out in Michael and Calum’s apartment, because they’re both going to go crazy without it.

Michael already feels like he’s going crazy. He has assignments and his dishes are dirty and he has no money and everything absolutely sucks and he misses his boyfriend, so he pulls out his phone and sends can you pick me up.

After a moment, he adds please.

Ashton could be asleep already, because he’s been trying really hard to seem well-adjusted for his senior year, and the thought makes panic bubble uncomfortably in Michael’s gut. He can’t get himself to start his tasks, and he can’t stop picking at his cuticles, a bad habit that everyone has been trying to help him break, and he’s been missing Ashton vaguely since they got back on campus but thinks he’s going to cry if he doesn’t get to see him tonight.

What if Ashton doesn’t want to see him?

Ashton wants you around, Michael says to himself, trying to remember everything his therapist has told him for when he feels like this. Just because outside circumstances are making it difficult doesn’t mean that he suddenly hates you.

His internal voice doesn’t sound very convincing. With the way everything has been going lately, Michael wouldn’t be surprised if Ashton suddenly dumped him and Calum moved out and Luke and the girls stopped talking to him so he was miserable and alone. That’s just about the only way things could get even worse, right?

He doesn’t want to jinx it.

His phone buzzes in his hand, and Michael glances down to see Ashton’s name pop up with the message be there in 5.

Everything snaps into focus when Ashton is near. This strange crawling sensation under his skin might not fully go away, but maybe it’ll lessen, and maybe Michael will be able to think about school without wanting to throw up.

He slips on a hoodie, shoves on some shoes, and barely remembers to grab his wallet and keys before he’s slipping on a mask and out the door, rushing down the stairs to get out of the apartment building. The night air does nothing to sooth him, feeling dense and muggy through his mask rather than light and crisp like he wants. Still, he looks up at the sky and tries to let the slight breeze he can feel against his forehead calm him a little, just enough to hold him over until he can get in Ashton’s car and hopefully breathe properly again.

He’s still trying in vain to find a star that hasn’t been drowned out by light pollution or clouds when Ashton’s car arrives, engine squeaking in a familiar way when he pulls up to the curb a bit too fast, as always. Michael makes his way to the passenger door and gets in.

“Hey, stranger. Need a ride?” Ashton quips, and Michael crumples. Ashton looks soft, wearing pajama pants and a large sweatshirt, hair messy and eyes tired but smile intact. Michael wants to cry, but instead he just feels uncomfortable, like Ashton is a stranger again and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

“Hey,” Ashton says gently, “what’s wrong?”

Michael shrugs.

“Okay,” Ashton says. “Do you want to take off your mask?”

He does, putting it in the pocket of his hoodie, and Ashton smiles.

“There he is,” he says, bringing a hand up to Michael’s cheek, and Michael leans into it, chasing the feeling of Ashton’s hands on his skin.

He’s missed this. Ashton seems to understand, shifting so he can thread his fingers through the hair at the back of Michael’s neck, then drawing him forward into a kiss. Michael’s hands come up to grip Ashton’s sweatshirt at the first brush of lips, pressing into it like he’s been drowning and Ashton is his first breath of fresh hair. Ashton makes a startled noise in the back of his throat, but responds in kind, opening his mouth when prompted and licking into Michael’s, taking control in the way they both like best. When they part for air a minute later, they don’t go far, pressing their foreheads together while Michael tries to make his fingers loosen their grip.

“Is there anything I can do?” Ashton asks eventually.

“No,” Michael says. “I don’t know. You’re doing it, I guess.”

He starts to pull away, and Ashton pecks him quickly on the lips again before he lets him.

“Where do you want to go?” Ashton asks.

“Away from campus,” Michael says.

“Ice cream?”

Michael nods, and Ashton starts the car.

The drive is quiet. Michael makes no move to turn on the radio or get the aux cord, and Ashton lets it be. Michael stares out the window, letting the houses and street lights pass by on the familiar route. There’s a Baskin Robbins attached to a Dunkin with 24-hour drive through, and they’ve made a lot of midnight runs there since they started dating. Some of Michael’s favorite memories from last year include sitting in the parking lot together, talking and laughing and sharing bites of ice cream when one of them got an unusual flavor. They managed to fit in two trips during the first weeks of the semester, but haven’t been able to go recently due to the campus lockdown.

About halfway there, Ashton reaches over and takes Michael’s hand, thumb rubbing soothing circles on it. Michael tries to focus on that, rather than the stretched-out feeling still present under his skin.

They pull up to the drive through and Ashton shifts the car into park. Despite the place not being busy at all, it has astoundingly slow service this late at night.

“Do you want your usual?” Ashton asks, and Michael nods. When they do eventually order, Ashton gets one scoop of cherry and one scoop of vanilla, and he gets Michael the chocolatiest thing on the menu. Ashton pays, and once they get their items he pulls into their usual parking space in the corner and turns the car off.

“So,” Ashton says when they’re a few bites in, “I really think you should tell me what’s wrong.”

Michael takes another bite of his ice cream and considers if he knows who to articulate this.

“I feel… bad,” he starts. “Just--like my skin is too tight, or something, and I can’t focus on anything but I also can’t not focus on anything. I’m tired but can’t sleep, the world is basically fucking ending and I’m somehow expected to read an entire book by tomorrow. I have so much I’m supposed to do and can’t make myself do any of it, and it’s not even that I don’t have the time, because nothing is happening! I hate trying to do music classes online, I can’t fucking see my friends, and I miss--”

He stops. Ashton waits patiently, letting the silence stretch out until Michael is ready to break it again.

“I miss you. I know we’re doing our best with what we can right now, but it still sucks.”

Ashton reaches out again, gentle hand landing on his arm. That makes Michael feel the closest he has to crying all night, but it’s still not quite enough. He wishes this were the type of upset that could be solved with a long hug and a cathartic cry, but it’s not. This discomfort is the type that gets into his bones and stays for a while.

Michael wishes the gear shift wasn’t in the way, so he could tuck himself against Ashton and hide there until this entire thing is over.

“Going to school right now fucking sucks, and I’m proud of you for handling it as well as you have been,” Ashton says. It’s a nice thing to say, but it’s useless right now. Michael knows that going to school right now sucks, and Ashton is always proud of him for doing the bare minimum. He hums anyway, because Ashton’s trying to help.

“Let’s eat our ice cream and make a plan for the rest of tonight and tomorrow,” Ashton says. “We’ll figure out the homework stuff, at least, and get to spend time together properly.”

“Can we sit on the hood?” he asks, and thankfully Ashton nods. The night air is crisper without his mask, or maybe it’s because they’re a bit further from the heart of the city. Either way, Michael presses close, not willing to forfeit time spent touching Ashton.

Luke is the clingiest out of all of them, but Michael hadn’t realized just how much he enjoyed touch until the virus hit and it was taken away from him. He was craving Ashton’s long before he wasn’t allowed to have it, and if he didn’t know that Ashton needs the money being an RA provides he would have begged him to quit and move in with him and Calum.

They talk about easy things as they eat, like the shift to Michael’s favorite type of weather that had happened recently and Ashton’s floor programs that he’s planning. Michael tells him about how Calum almost burnt the apartment down and they just barely avoided having the alarms go off, and Ashton gives an anecdote about residents trying to smuggle two of the campus lawn chairs into their rooms while he was on security.

“They’re just so stupid sometimes,” he says. “It really is not hard to get away with stuff like that if you put your mind to it, but they obviously didn’t.” He turns the story into an entire bit, complete with a funny imitation of their bad excuses when he caught them, and it makes Michael laugh. Some of the weird feeling dissipates.

Ashton gets out his notes app when they finish eating, and Michael leans his head on his shoulder to watch him type up the plan.

Michael will do his music theory homework tonight, but he’s going to stop once it hits three in the morning to go to bed regardless of how much is or is not done. Ashton will type up a detailed summary of the book he was supposed to read, since apparently it was his favorite when he took the class last semester as part of his major requirement, and have it emailed to Michael by the time his alarm goes off at 8 the next morning. Hopefully that will be enough for Michael to do the forum posts he’s supposed to, and he should still have time to do his ear training before class. They can meet up for lunch, then Michael can go to his other two classes, take a break until dinner, spend a bit of time in the practice room, and do his homework for the next day in the evening.

Calum has a study group then, and Michael likes working in the living room while he zooms the others. It’s easier to stay focused when Calum is, as well, and they’ve gotten into a routine of playing two rounds of Fifa, Smash, or MarioKart during well-timed breaks.

Marked out like this, the tasks look less overwhelming.

“Can you write that I need to email the student fees office during lunch?” he asks. Ashton nods and adds it to the list. “And dishes after dinner.”

It’s not too bad when it’s notated like this, and if he doesn’t get his theory homework done tonight he won’t completely fail the class as long as he does all of the other work, although he knows that letting himself slip with one assignment always makes it easier to neglect them in the future, to near-disastrous results. His lesson might be less-than-stellar tomorrow, but at least Dr. O is nice about it. He’ll be disappointed, and Michael might cry because he hates falling short of his expectations, but he won’t be mean.

“Doable?” Ashton asks. Michael nods. Ashton takes a screenshot of the note and texts it to Michael, then grabs his hand as they sit in silence for a few more minutes.

“We should get back,” Michael says eventually.

“We can stay a bit longer,” Ashton says. He tightens his grip on Michael’s hand, and maybe

Ashton has been missing him just as much. Michael presses a kiss to his shoulder.

“I have to do my theory homework, and you’re ready for bed,” he says.

“Wait,” Ashton says as he starts to shift away. Michael pauses, and Ashton’s hands shift to his waist, leaning in for a deep kiss. He melts into it, toes curling at the single-minded focus Ashton dedicates to it. They shift for a better angle, Ashton leaning against the windshield and Michael following him down, and it takes all of Michael’s self-control to pull away before things become too heated.

“I don’t want to give the Baskin Robbins employee a free show,” he says. Ashton’s fingers dip under his hoodie and shirt, chilly from either the ice cream or the fall air. Michael shivers at the light brush at the small of his back, and Ashton gives him a lopsided smile.

“It’d be the most interesting thing they’ll see tonight,” he says.

“It’ll also get the police called on us for public indecency,” Michael says. “Can’t believe I’m having to be the responsible one about this, Mr. I-Am-A-Mature-Resident-Advisor-Who-Will-Do-No-Wrong.”

“You make me feel adventurous,” Ashton says. Michael hums and kisses him again, and Ashton doesn’t try to escalate it.

“Okay,” Ashton says. “Let’s go back.”

They get in the car, and Michael pulls up a gentle playlist for the ride back. Ashton hums along to the first song, and something else in Michael’s gut dissipates. He still feels a bit weird, but he thinks it’s manageable now. He has a plan, and he has Ashton, and if previous experience is any indicator he should feel okay by the time he wakes up tomorrow morning.

Michael watches Ashton tap out an easy beat on the steering wheel with his thumbs, and takes another deep breath.

Things are kind of fucked now, but it won’t be like this forever. He’ll be okay.

#my writing #mashton #5sos fanfic #this is genuinely just. so much projection #so much #also though as I was writing this I fell in love with the universe so #maybe college mashton will be what I work on when nothing else works

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masked-buffoon · 4 years ago

Text

Chapter 9: Scheming anew (Part 3)

Warnings: Dazai and Ogawa being the schemers they are, I suppose...

Author notes: As you may have noticed, chapter 9 is lighter than the previous ones, but I hope you’ll enjoy it as well...!

When I woke up, the next day, I felt incredibly light. No nausea, no headache, no weakness in my limbs; I had retrieved this feeling of health I had lost with Dazai when he had disappeared from my life. Even the grubby bed seemed comfortable to me, and I could not help cuddling into the thin blanket, seeking for some warmth the dirty material could provide me. It felt good not to be sick... It felt good not to wish for death anymore... I did not think it would be so simple to cling onto life again, but the slightest prospect, like a ray of tepid light, could make one hopeful once again. I was only a foolish human trying to hold onto my reason to live, a mere parasite on this unfriendly earth, yet even the lowest bug wished to live on. I wanted to live once more. So I faced the upcoming day with renewed fortitude.

When Dazai came back, as he had promised, he was not alone. His colleague, the man named Kunikida, whom I had mistaken for a police inspector, was there, too, and he looked annoyed.

"What the heck are you doing there?" He glared at me.

"She is the lost friend I have told you about~" My former superior hummed teasingly "Say 'hi', Kunikida-kun~"

He grumbled a quick greeting before realising Dazai was toying with him.

"Wait, lost friend or not, this person is a shady woman of the underground business, I can't let her off the hook...!" He exclaimed.

"You are right..." I sighed "Except I quitted, long ago, any occupation related to the said underground business. I have nothing to do with that anymore. Only, I'm a bit at loss as to what to do now; I've only ever known the underworld."

"See~" My friend elbowed his colleague "You don't need to sell her off to the police~"

"She does carry firearms —"

"Ogawa helped us solve the murder. Thanks to her, we only need for the fingerprints to come back from the lab to identify our culprits. And, she's an important witness~" He smiled sweetly "So~? Pretty please~?"

I also cracked a smile, hoping he would not try to handcuff me again. If he did, I would try to defend myself anyway...

"You piss me off..." He sighed heavily, walking out of the room "Do whatever...! I don't care!"

"Don't worry about him, he's always like this~ He did not even recognise you from last time...!"

"You brought me to your workplace?" I realised, surprised "One of your colleagues has a healing ability...?"

"Yes. She is a great doctor. But a bit sadistic... Her ability requires her to practically kill the patient." He explained with a slight frown "Well, no one really wants to get hurt thanks to her..."

"Do you work in a legal organisation of ability users?"

"Yes...! I just entered a month or two ago...!" He cheerfully told me "I am a member of the Armed Detective Agency now."

"The...?!" My eyes widened "I did not expect you to... They literally are opposed to the Port Mafia, after all... I suppose none knows about your previous occupation..."

"That's impractical for leaking secrets." He laughed "But I make it a point to keep this a mystery. A single member saw through me, though, but he's too good a detective not to notice."

"Would his name be Ranpo-san...?" I guessed, remembering the name from the previous day.

"Hoh, you already know a bit~" Dazai noted, sitting on the bed "How can you sleep on this thing?"

"I don't..." I reminded him "Or at least, I didn't until yesterday."

"Yes, I'm sorry..."

"There is no need to apologise." I shrugged, sitting in front of him on a chair "So? When is the murder going to be solved?"

"This evening at most. Thanks to you~" He smiled.

"I'm glad you're doing alright, then..." I smiled back "Moreover, those clear colours suit yourself much better than this dark coat you always wore."

"Ogawa, you... Can..." He had a gesture around his eyes "Again...?"

"Slightly. I guess I'm starting to feel happy again. And sleeping must have helped." I admitted "Thank you..."

"What's with that half hearted thank...?" He pouted, crossing his arms.

"It's not done on purpose...!" I defended "But I'm a tad scared... Being happy is just such a warm feeling, I'm afraid it will be too overwhelming...! Not to mention, if I were to lose happiness again, I may not be able to raise ever again from scrapes..."

"What do you need to be happy...?" He wondered, much for himself "What is the secret recipe which makes you happy...? I'd like to know..."

"It depends on everyone." I told him "To me... Your presence is more than enough to fill the holes in my heart."

I looked away a moment, embarrassed by my own words. How could I tell this man he was my very reason to be, the one who articulated my body and gave strength to my muscles to move on with life...? I thought it was better to keep those feelings for myself, at least for the moment. If Dazai felt too implicated in a relationship, he could break it and run away again, just so he would not feel suffocated. I did not want him to leave another time, yet the case would be solved by the evening... How to prevent him from leaving so soon...?

"You are so, so selfish..." He chuckled "What if I don't want to be with you~?"

"Th-That...! Obviously, if you don't want to be with me, I would never insist on staying by your side...! Your presence is important, but your own well-being is more meaningful to me..." I confessed, embarrassing myself even more "What I mean is... Is... I..."

I ended stumbling on my words and stuttering absolute nonsense under my mouth, cheeks radiating with heat and fingers fidgeting nervously as I desperately tried to remember how to make a sentence. Dazai laughed.

"Would it help if I said I'd like you by my side~?" He asked.

"... Very much..." I laughed too, rubbing the back of my head "You've already told me, I'm such an idiot..."

"You're not an idiot. You are insecure... And I can understand."

"Can you really...?" I raised a teasing eyebrow.

"I can~ You said you were afraid of losing happiness again, which means you are afraid of losing me again. Is that wrong...?"

"That's right..." I conceded "You're still as skilled as ever for reading one's intentions and issues..."

"But I lack the insight you could provide by reading thoughts. I do need my lieutenant, finally~" He grinned.

"... Do you truly need me...?" I suddenly remembered he was now surrounded by people who could care about him too.

"No one... No one would describe a sunset as good as you do." My friend assured, taking one of my hands into his.

As the thoughts disturbing my mind calmed down, his voice was the only thing I could focus on, and I was forced to listen solely to him.

"Please, get your colours back to paint my grey world with the most beautiful tones, Ogawa..."

I squeezed his fingers tightly, trying my best not to let out the tears I had held back for too long. The warmth of his skin and the slight toughness of his bandages... I had longed to feel them against my palm again, those sensations which made me feel alive. And his words... Could there be more touching declaration of friendship than his...?

"If... If I promise once again to stay by your side always... Will you be able to see at least one colour...?" I shakily asked him.

"I can." He nodded with a slight smile "I've only ever seen this colour, and I lost it when I left you... I had forgotten how beautiful it was..."

"Which one is it...?" I grew curious.

"I can't tell~ That's a secret~" He grinned "I wonder if the other ones will be as pretty, Ogawa..."

"I can't wait for you to tell me, Dazai... Now... How can I stand by your side again...?" I became more serious.

"Why, it is fortunate that you officially left the Port Mafia. Thanks to that, the files about you and any hint that you might have belonged to the organisation have been destroyed and you can basically start again from nothing, unlike me who had to hide for two years." He explained, letting go of my hand.

"Then, it will be easy to find a job, if only I had some qualifications..." I murmured, thinking.

"Easier than you think. There is a place I'm thinking about, and they should welcome you very warmly." He declared "What about joining the Agency with me? You're an ability user too, after all. The only thing is, I cannot recommend you for I haven't been one of theirs for too long... Well, Kunikida-kun will lend a hand~"

"Are you sure...? I'd be glad to be part of the Armed Detective Agency, but will he agree to it...?"

"Um, you're right... But we can't just bring you to the offices and introduce you, can we? Well, I personally would do that, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't agree~"

"I wouldn't." I conceded "But... I may have a plan...~"

"Hoh~"

The hostel room I rented had a balcony. A small, dirty and barely hanging balcony, and I had chosen it to be the main actor of my plan to enter the Armed Detective Agency. At least to be introduced properly before being accepted and potentially registered. Dazai had approved of my strategy and, whereas the balcony was the protagonist, I needed a second actor who would be the triggering element of the plan; Kunikida.

The day was slowly ending and the murder was close to being solved. The detective entered my room to fetch his colleague and leave the substandard place to study the hints in their offices. We exchanged a quick glance; the plan began.

"Dazai!! Still procrastinating...!! Damn, you shouldn't have lost this friend in the first place if you have so much to tell each other...!" He grumbled as usual "I have the evidence sent by the lab. There is nothing more there, let's leave now."

"But Kunikida, Ogawa there needs my ability to cancel hers and be able to sleep..." Dazai protested softly, getting well into his role.

"... She cannot control her ability...?" He suddenly realised I had had access to his very thoughts "That's... Ah...!! You must have heard everything..."

"More or less..." I chuckled "But don't worry, I cannot focus on one's thoughts. Besides, I am no one to judge, I have heard so much in the past few years..."

"So? Will you allow me to stay a bit more...?" Dazai asked again.

"... No..." He sighed, visibly conflicted "We have too much work to do, if you don't come the schedule will be messed up and I won't be able to fix it...! My apologies, Ogawa, but I can't put the case aside for a single person..."

"I may have told you, already, but... You're a truthful person, sincere and honest..." I murmured, standing up "I can't win against such ideals, so... I'll just relieve myself with morphine..."

"So you are a drug addict...!" He frowned, grabbing my wrist all of a sudden "I can't let it slide this time...! At the very least, I have to send you to a place where they will take care of you —"

I struggled to pull away from his grip and intentionally led him outside, on the balcony. I had even opened the tin bay on purpose... Dazai nodded; we could start the second part of the strategy.

"L-Let me go, you're hurting me...!" I whined "It's not my fault, my headache hurts too much...! You wouldn't understand my pain...!"

"Ogawa, there are people who can help you —”

"But if they take my morphine away, how will I fight against the pain...?" I gave him my most pleading look.

"We will find a way, now, come with me...!"

My back hit the railway of the balcony and I could hear the faint sound of dust falling from the platform, indicating it was getting fragile under our weight. It was Dazai's turn to act.

"Kunikida-kun! Ogawa! Come back here, it's dangerous...!" He warned us, grabbing Kunikida's arm to pull him back inside.

I put slightly more strength in my next attempt to free myself from the man's grip, and he let go. As well as the stability of the balcony.

"Ogawa...!" The blond detective tried to catch my hand as I seemingly lost balance.

I dodged it.

"You really are too honest..." I smirked at him "We played you around so well~"

"Huh?"

"See you at the Agency~" I waved at him before letting myself fall from the third floor of the hostel.

#bsd #bsd oc #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bsd imagines #bsd kunikida #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai osamu #kunikida doppo

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