#anyway i apologize what this blog has been in the past week/will be like for the foreseeable future

[amorchai]

𝐈𝐓’𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐅𝐈𝐑𝐒𝐓 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐄𝐃𝐃𝐈𝐄.

written for my old blog but never posted!

pairing(s): eddie munson x reader

words: 1180

warnings/tags: first date awkwardness, eddie dressing smart for a casual date because he has no idea what he’s doing, star wars references.

you didn’t expect eddie munson to be such a damn gentlemen on your first date. but then again, you never expected to be on a date with eddie munson.

seven o’clock on the dot, your front door knocked, just the time eddie had promised. and once you opened the door, previously wiping your hands from sweat and fixing your outfit to look perfect, you were met with the curly haired boy.

only, he was dressed up. you didn’t know what you presumed he would wear, knowing for a first date his ‘hellfire club’ top will be a bit too casual. but a brown dress shirt and nice trousers, you could hardly tear your eyes from him.

“left my leather jacket in the car, i didn’t know whether to wear it or not,” he splutters firstly, not even a ‘hello’ as his eyes are wide and wild in front of you, and you try to look around where his hands are suspiciously hidden behind his back.

“you look nice,” you state, smiling up at him, both nervously staring at one another before he replies, “me? i look nice? you! look at you, the prettiest person to walk hawkin’s town.” 

“is that what i think it is? hidden behind your back?” you tease lightly, trying to get another glimpse. eddie nods sheepishly, “these are for you,” bringing out the overly stuffed bouquet of flowers, emitting a gasp of appreciation from your throat as you gaze over the disorderly state.

emitting in pure eddie fashion, the one you grew to really like.

“i—uh, harrington told me that roses are the flowers representing ‘romance’, and buckley told me pale red carnations were a better representation of ‘love and affection’ so i got both and put them together."

before you can respond, eddie continues, watching as you gently pry them out of his hands and into yours to look over fondly, “which i don’t really understand, she said pale red, but isn’t pale red just pink? she said it’s not.”

you open your mouth to reply, any effort to try and calm down his rambling voice, but again, he starts talking, “anyways, they’re a mess, i can just take them back, i’ll bring you better ones next time.”

next time, you think. how cute is he?

“no! i love them, thank you!” you lean up to kiss his cheek before leaving a blushing eddie to place the flowers into a watered vase. his fingers graze the spot you just kissed, leaning forward to look into his reflection against the pan of glass of your door, fixing his hair over his forehead.

he jumps back when you step across the hall, as if waiting patiently for your return and guides you towards his truck, holding the door open for you, and shutting it after.

you didn’t know what a date with eddie would be like, he was much different than anyone else, and while you hadn’t been on a date before, you knew what the cliché romance novels would predict.

eddie took you to a drive-thru movie, paying for your ticket and popcorn, ever the gentlemen that he’s quickly living up to. and finds the best spot he could, off to the side but in good view of the screen.

he turns to you periodically, arriving to the lot early and therefore having to wait some time for it to start. it’s a little awkward to begin with, unsure with what to talk about at the start. you had been friends, not as close as others, more-so through robin. but you knew a lot about each other.

eddie asks a few shameful questions when the tape starts, lousy trailers playing before the actual movie, questions about your day or plans from the past week but after exchanging the answers between one another, nerves further arise.

however, you turn to eddie when you reach for a handful of popcorn, his hand bumping yours clumsily as he looks to you with a quick apology. you stare at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter, the tension suddenly breaking as you both realise how stupid it is.

“i’m sorry, i’ve never done this before,” eddie admits, “me neither.” his eyes trail off, down your body quickly before towards the front of the car in thought, clearly confused, “you’re telling me you’ve never been on a date?”.

“correct, munson. why? is that hard to believe?” you joke, reaching for your next handful of popcorn, ignoring the fact that star wars: a new hope finally begins to play upon the big screen. “very, i mean— have you seen or spoke to you?”.

“couple of times, never really strikes up a good conversation, unfortunately.”

eddie laughs, beaming towards you at the change of tone, the conversation already flowing more easily and the edge gone into a more comfortable nature, the way he already knew with you, and why he had asked you on a date in the first place.

“but what about you, nobody else in hawkin’s able to catch wind of the munson charm?” you ask, and eddie shrugs, glancing to the movie as he chews on the buttery snack. “nah, funnily enough, being the weirdo of hawkin’s high doesn’t score you any dates. never asked and never been asked.”

he sounds like he doesn’t mind, which makes your heart flutter in thought. maybe he didn’t really think about dating until you came along.

you fall into another silence, this time comfortable, as you watch the beginning of the fantasy movie. your hand hovers the popcorn box resting on the console, deliberately enticing eddie to hold your hand which he falls for instantly.

his hands are warm and big, engulfing yours with his rings pressing against your skin when he rests them in front of the popcorn.

“you know, i’ve never seen this movie,” you say, tilting your head to the side, unaware of the way eddie looks over, shocked. “you’ve never seen star wars? your house didn’t look like a rock from the outside, how can you have not seen them?”.

“charming, thank you,” you giggle in response.

his hand tugs yours slightly, moving them closer to his lap when he speaks again, leaning forward towards your face, “well, i’ll be sure to hold you when the big battle scene comes on, even after luke destroys the death star.”

“eddie…” you trail off, using your intertwined hands to nudge the side of his thigh, “spoiler alert.”

he cringes, “shit, sorry! i’m so sorry,” eddie begins, eyes anxious as he tries to redeem himself, not noticing your amused expression, “at least it’s not the next one where you find out darth vader is—” before he can finish, you lean over to press your fingers over his lips, laughter falling from yours.

“eddie, eddie. let’s say you don’t tell me the entire plotline of the star war trilogy and we can watch the next movie on our next date?” you offer through giggles, pulling away to allow him to reply.

next date, eddie thinks. i’m losing my mind.

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amorchai © ─ all rights reserved. no reposting/translating/copying will be tolerated.

[matryosika]

Incoming Call

Pairing — Hyunjin x fem!reader Wordcount — 3,394 words Genre — Smut (18+) Includes — Suggestive content. Smut warnings under the cut. Author's note — This honestly came out of the blue. I was just feeling like phone sex and exhibitionism and this is what I ended up writing, haha. I hope you like it, it's just a silly little drabble in which my writer's block didn't get the best of me. I am actually proud I could come up with something, but it's not as filthy as other of my works. Please remember that english is not my first language, so i apologize for any mistakes in advanced! If you wish to support my blog further, please reblog and comment, leave an ask and check my pinned post for my ko-fi!

Smut warnings — Dirty talk. Phone sex and exhibitionism if you squint. Masturbation (m), Hyunjin is kind of a perv but it's very very tame. Use of petnames (baby), mentions of creampies, and other sexual fantasies. Hyunjin is needy and desperate. Reader's mom interrupts the hated moment (not cool!).

Time zones. 

By far your most terrible enemies these days. 

It wasn't only the jet lag that threw you off from coming back home, but the abysmal time difference between you and your boyfriend —he goes to bed right before you wake up, and his most active time is when you are about to sleep. 

It has been a couple of days, but texting with him has been an absolute nightmare. 

“It’s only a week,” you reassured him as he waved you goodbye at the airport. His lower lip was slightly pouting, and his usually straight eyebrows were raised in a subtle furrow. “I’m sure you’ll live, Hyunjin”. 

“Yeah but I wanted to come with you,” there was genuine pity in his voice and you knew he meant it —he never misses a chance to join you on your trips back home, or meeting your parents.  

Because of how busy he has been, and the fact that this trip was practically nonexistent a week before, he just couldn't ask for a time off at work this time.

“We’re spending Christmas there this year,” you tried to cheer him up, rubbing his arm with solace, “time flies by, anyways”. 

Hyunjin nodded, resigning himself to the imminent struggle of being hours and miles apart from each other.

“Text me when you get there, yeah?” He planted a chaste kiss on your forehead and held you tightly. “Text me all the time, I’ll reply when I can, okay?”

You nodded against his chest, and kept his promise throughout the whole trip. 

You texted him when you got to your home country, and you also texted him a picture of your first meal there. You told him all about the weather, how happy your parents were to see you after a while and the things you missed the most.

He promised he would reply when he could, but you knew that wasn't going to happen any time soon. Or at least not for a couple of more hours, until he woke up.

And basically, that has been the whole dynamic all along —you text him everything about your day at a given time, and he texts you everything about his day at a given time as well. There's very little conversation happening in between, but it's understandable.

By day 3, Hyunjin learned to convert time zones. If it is morning for him, it is late afternoon for you. If it is his late night, you're probably just waking up.

He knows when to text you —if he is expecting a quick response— and knows when you're sleeping. Taking all that into account, Hyunjin tries to make the most of the time that's actually convenient for the two of you to talk.

[08:19 a.m., Hyunjin: Baby]

With furrowed eyebrows, your fingers type away faster than your mind can comprehend it. 

[08:19 a.m., You: Shouldn’t you be asleep?]

[08:19 a.m., You: Isn’t it like 11 p.m. in Seoul?]

He is a night owl. Always have been.

But he has been trying really hard to adopt a healthier sleeping schedule, so seeing him online past 10 p.m. it's unusual these days.

“Everything alright?” Your father asks, picking up on the subtle furrow of your brows.

“Yeah, I’m just talking to Hyunjin,” with your phone in one hand, and the other busy with a fork on your breakfast, you await his response. 

“It’s such a shame he couldn’t make it,” your mother adds, “it has been a while since we last met him”.

At that moment, when your mom and dad start talking about how great of a guy he is and how happy they’re to have him as part of the family, your phone vibrates yet again in your hand. 

[08:21 a.m., Hyunjin: Attachment: one image]

[08:21 a.m., Hyunjin: Can you see how much I miss you?]

If it wasn’t for the glass of water you smartly chugged down to hide your coughs, you would have choked on a piece of fruit. Inevitably, and after a failed attempt to conceal the embarrassing moment, your parents' eyes are fixed on you with concern.

“Sorry,” you excuse yourself, cleaning your lips with a napkin while you relentlessly try to put your phone away from anyone’s sight. 

“Are you alright?” your mother asks this time, softly hitting your back 

“Yes,” you nod swiftly. “I just- the food kind of went into the wrong pipe”. 

On your lap, your phone keeps vibrating —one after another, you lose count after message number 4.

[08:22 a.m., Hyunjin: God, I miss your body so much]

[08:22 a.m., Hyunjin: Just want you here for me. Don't want anyone else to have you right now] 

[08:23 a.m., Hyunjin: My hand isn't enough. It doesn't feel like your pussy does]

[08:23 a.m., Hyunjin: Can you come back to me now? Lay underneath me and let me have my way with you?]

[08:24 a.m., Hyunjin: You have no idea how fucking hard I am] 

You gulp loudly.

“What do you think?” It's only when your mother directs a question at you that you snap out of your trance. 

“Huh?”

“What do you think about spending Christmas in some beautiful cabins? They're like 45 minutes away from the city,” she continues, offering you some of the context you missed because of Hyunjin’s heated messages.

“Uh, yeah,” you reply with hesitation. Not because of the idea, but because you really can’t process anything other than the warmth between your legs. “I- uh, I have to go to the restroom”. 

For all he knows, you're lying comfortably in your bed as this is around the time you usually wake up. So damned you, for not letting Hyunjin know that today you are having breakfast with your family at a restaurant. And damned him for putting you into an awkward situation without even knowing of it.

[08:25 a.m., Hyunjin: Can I call you?]

[08:25 a.m., Hyunjin: Want to hear your voice]

[08:25 a.m., Hyunjin: Please, talk to me. Tell me anything you want. Just let me hear that pretty voice of yours]

[08:27 a.m., Hyunjin: Fuck it]

[08:27 a.m., Hyunijn: I’m calling you]

Good luck can’t be any more useful than right now, that you enter the restaurant’s restroom with your fingers crossed and an immense feeling of relief when you see every single stall open. 

And, as if on cue, the soft piano melody coming from your phone's speakers tells you that Hyunjin stuck up to his last message. 

“Are you busy?” It’s the first thing he says, with a hoarse voice and a hitched breath. 

“I’m at a restaurant,” you reply with just a little bit of shame in your tone. “With my parents”. 

Your boyfriend lets out an exasperated sigh.

“Shit I’m- I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” you can hear him panicking, maybe because he thinks you're upset. But in reality, it's all quite the opposite. “I’ll call you later just- forget I even- whatever, I’ll call you another time”. 

“No,” you rush to say, locking yourself into one of the bathroom stalls. “Don’t hang up, I can- I’m at the restroom”. 

There's a quick seconds of silence from the other line as Hyunjin gathers the remaining coherent thoughts after getting to hear your voice. “Is it- are there other people there?”

“For now it’s just me,” you reassure him.

“Just you?” He asks, and you hum in response. “I’m sorry for calling it’s just- God, I can’t spend another day without you”. 

The wet, sloppy slow sounds paired with the laziness of his voice can only give you a hint of what he is doing.

“Are you- masturbating?” 

It's not like you're a prude, but this whole thing is taking you by surprise. You're always together, so there's no need for phone sex or anything of that sort. Sexting isn’t unusual, but this is definitely a first.

“Yeah,” he replies with a raspy scoff. “Want me to stop?”

“No, I- no,” when you encourage him to continue, the lewd, wet sounds start to become more and more frequent —increasingly loud for you to hear them, “keep going”. 

Hyunjin lets out a deep sigh of frustration.

“Do you miss me too?” he asks, biting down his lower lip to prevent any whimpers from falling from them. 

“Yes,” with shortness of breath you admit. “I miss you too,”.

“Yeah?” He whispers under his breath, letting small grunts make their way to your ears. “I miss you badly. Can’t stop thinking about you- shit, can’t stop thinking about how pretty you look when you’re naked in my bed”. 

The compliments, all together, make your cheeks and body grow hotter. But inevitably, they force you to fix your gaze under the bathroom stall, in that little gap between it and the floor. There’s no sound nor signals of footsteps approaching, but the adrenaline of hearing him say such dirty things when you're out in public is definitely a new experience.

You can't say you hate it.

“Baby,” Hyunjin moans. And although you can’t see it, you can take a wild guess what he looks like right now: head kicked back, legs spread, his hand and dick glistening with lube, or lotion, or maybe spit. You can picture how pretty his face is right now, contorted in pleasure, with his lips all swollen from licking and biting them, eyes completely white while he bucks his hips up against his fist. “Talk to me, tell me about your plans for the day”.

You can’t help but laugh a little in the midst of the tension. 

“You want me to- talk about my day while you masturbate?”

“Well,” he scoffs under his breath. “I don’t expect you to say dirty stuff while you’re locked in a public restroom where anyone can walk in”. 

“Right,” you nod to yourself. “But I don't understand what that would do for you”. 

“I like your voice,” your boyfriend lets out a deep exhale of relief. “I can get off just by listening to it, doesn’t matter what you’re talking about”.

“You’re crazy,” a soft chuckle falls from your lips. “You’re not even going to pay attention to me”.

“Please?” you can hear a small whimper, and that alone convinces you. 

“Okay well,” you clear your throat before continuing, wondering how this could arouse him. But he is asking you something that is nowhere near difficult, so you comply. “I’m having breakfast with my parents right now”. 

“Aha,” Hyunjin hums, and if you play close attention you can hear his hand sliding up and down his cock. All you're left with is your imagination. “Keep going”.

“I will meet with a friend later, we’re going to grab some coffee”. 

Despite the weirdness of it all, there's something enticing about knowing he is using you, in some way, to get off. You're only talking about your day. But knowing your boyfriend is masturbating to the sound of your voice is arousing.

“Then I’ll go back home, get some work done,” you continue. “Think about you, think about how much I miss you right now”. 

The line goes silent, except for a mixture of gasps and groans. 

“You’re going to think about me?” Hyunjin asks, his silky voice sending shivers down your spine. “You’re going to touch yourself thinking about me?”

“Yes,” of course he doesn't expect you to talk dirty to him. But that never meant he couldn't say that kind of stuff to you. At that, you're at a disadvantage. No matter how turned on you're getting, there's nothing you can do about it and Hyunjin sort of feels thrilled because of it.

“You’re going to fuck my pussy with those fingers of you?”

God, how much you hate him for that. How he talks about your body as if it is his, reminding you that you belong to him and him only. 

You only hate it because it never fails to arouse you.

“Y-yes Hyune,” you reply, swallowing thickly. You're aware you can't say anything too obscene, but you still can engage in that kind of conversation without airing yourself too much. “Or should I- use something else?” 

“You packed your toys?” your boyfriend lets out a satisfied groan at your hum of agreement. You two are just so alike. “Which one are you using tonight, baby?”

“The transparent one”.

“The transparent one?” he thinks about it for a second, and immediately remembers which one you're referring to. “Thought you were going for the wand because it's your favorite, but I'm guessing you miss feeling full?”

“Aha,” you exhale. “Yes, I- miss it so bad”.

“You miss my cock stretching that tight pussy of yours?” At that, the wet movements become louder. “Stretch it nice and open for me baby, make sure to prep yourself every day for when you get back”. 

You bite your nails. “What’s going to happen when I get back?”

The answer is rather obvious, but you want to hear it from him.

“I’m going to make you come until you pass out,” Hyunjin bites his lips and kicks his head back, reminiscing all those times where you’ve come around his cock, fingers and tongue. “Make it up to you for all the days you've been away”. 

You can feel the pooling wetness in your underwear, the minimum squeeze of your thighs against each other is a constant reminder of it. 

“You miss my lips against your pussy like I do?” he asks, letting out a liberating gasp. “You miss tasting yourself off of me while we kiss?”

“You know I do,” you gulp loudly, caressing your lips with the tip of your fingers. God, how much you miss feeling his against yours.

They’re so soft, and velvety, and they know exactly how to kiss and bite you.

“I’m so close,” Hyunjin announces, and you feel your nipples hardening underneath your underwear at the despair in his voice. “I just- wish you were here, want to come all over your face, and body, make you swallow me full”. 

You want to say something, anything, but his words have much of a chokehold on you. You'll give anything to taste him, to kneel in front of him right now and open your mouth wide for him. 

You miss his taste, miss kissing him afterwards in between whines and grunts.

“I would grab your hair really tightly,” he explains, increasing the speed of his sounds. “I’d push my cock deep inside that pretty mouth of yours, have you gagging and drooling all over it”. 

Between his overwhelming words, and the loud sound of someone barging through the door of the restroom, you mutter a quick "can't talk anymore" before going completely silent.

“Honey, are you okay?”

Shit. 

You close your eyes, trying to focus on both parts: Hyunjin’s moans, and the way your mother is standing right outside your bathroom stall.

“It has been like 10 minutes, your father and I got worried”.

Your boyfriend lets out a teasing scoff, one that only you can hear.

“She’s asking you a question,” Hyunjin murmurs, still with a hitched breath. “Aren’t you going to answer?”

“I’m fine,” you rush to say. “Just- having a stomachache”. 

“Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve got some medicine in my bag,” of course she did. She always does, ever since you were little.

“Maybe you should tell her the truth,” the voice from the other line calls. “Tell her that you’re busy making me come”.

Immediately, your eyes open like plates and you wonder if the sound of the phone is too loud  for your mom to hear it inside the quiet restroom. 

“I forgot!” you snap, practically yell out loud. “I forgot you carried those with you”.

“Want me to bring them to you?”

You hear the faucet running, and Hyunjin chuckling slowly. At least she isn’t standing right outside the stall, but you’re still not at ease. 

“Y-yeah, please,” on the line, Hyunjin is waiting for the perfect moment to interrupt. 

Those two words are enough to send him to the edge. Despite the lack of sexual connotations, hearing you beg for anything it’s enough to arouse him.

“Ah, but I’ll have to bring you some water too,” your mother explains. “Maybe you can have it when you return to the table?”

“No!” You insist, all in an attempt to kick her away from the restroom. “Please, I need it right now. Please?” 

“Are you going to beg for me like that too?” Hyunjin groans through the line, not caring if anyone can hear him. Also not caring about interrupting your conversation. “Are you going to open your legs for me and beg for my dick like you’re begging right now?”

You almost choke on your own saliva, but the feeling quickly goes away when you hear your mother mutter an “okay, alright” before walking out the restroom door with a mission of easing your fake stomach ache.

“I almost get caught,” you gasp, only when a couple of seconds pass after she leaves. 

“Then hang up,” his shakily breath only tells you he is not that far from coming. Especially after hearing your voice again, pleading for whatever it was you were asking. 

“No,” you shake your head. “Want to hear you, please”. 

“Want to hear how I come for you?” he chuckles. “Want to her how I moan your name while I come thinking about how much I wish I was fucking you?”.

In a whisper, you hum quietly. 

“So dirty,” he is getting closer. “So, so f-fucking dirty. I can tell you’re enjoying this, even while you're out in public. Maybe you'll like it if i were to fuck you right there, while your parents wait for us at the table?”. 

You cover your mouth in surprise, trying to muffle a gasp.

“I would love to come inside you right now, pull up your panties and force you to spend the rest of the day with my cum leaking out of you,” he lets out another loud, choked groan before continuing to elaborate on the fantasy. “You'd be so wet, you wouldn't know if you're turned on or it's just my cum”.

“You’re insane,” you whisper under your breath.

“Yeah?” Hyunjin asks teasingly, slurring his words in between moans. “I know you are too, baby. I don’t even need to take a look at you to know you’re probably dripping just by my words, right?”

Damned him.

“And I know I’m not too out of my mind when I say you would let me fuck you right then and there, where everyone could hear you and anyone could walk in,” at that, the lewd noises increase. “Might even let me finger you underneath the table, right? Bet you would love to have my fingers deep inside you while you try to pretend you don’t”. 

“And I know I’m not too out of my mind when I say you would let me fuck you right then and there, where everyone could hear you and anyone could walk in,” at that, the lewd noises increase. “Might even let me finger you underneath the table, right? Bet you would love to have my fingers deep inside you while you try to pretend you don’t”. 

Oh you're definitely going to cancel all your plans for the day. Might even book an early fly.

Anything, just to see him soon.

“God,” Hyunjin exhales, and it’s between quiet moans that you realize he is coming. “F-fuck, ‘m coming so fucking much”.

You can picture it. His tone abdomen all glistening with sweat and cum, shining brightly underneath the dim light of your room. His cock is probably red, and swollen, and twitching while he overcomes his high.

Fuck, damned be Hyunjin for making you ruin your panties this early in the morning.

“So much,” he repeats, fingers trailing the lines of his abdomen as he collects his arousal off of it. “Too sad it went to waste, I would’ve preferred to fuck it back inside of you”.

“I hate you,” you finally breathe, both in relief and frustration. “I hate how much I miss you”.

“Then come home soon,” your boyfriend pouts.

And honestly? You might.

[mylovelies-docx]

Sorry, I Love You - Part 2

Womp, womp. I apologize in advance for this part :)

Plot: You and Bucky have a good thing going - best of friends that also have more than a little chemistry between the sheets. Everything is fine until you develop feelings for the man who doesn't want a relationship. What will happen when Bucky finds out?

C/W: ANGST x3, unrequited feelings, arguments

Word Count: 1,550

Tag List: NOW CLOSED! If you'd like to keep up with this story, please follow my blog and turn on notifications! ❤️ you :)

Part 1

Over the next couple of days, you’re kind of glad that Bucky doesn’t reach out. You see each other in the common areas, but he doesn’t offer to hang out or train together, and neither do you. But you’re the type of person that can’t hang on to negative feelings for too long, so after about a week, you’re ready to be ‘just friends’ with Bucky again.

You start by sending him a text, totally innocuous and about something random you’d seen, but his reply is short. A little odd from him, but hey, he’s probably busy at the moment and still feeling a little weird. You’ll try your hardest to get you both past this awkward phase in your friendship.

You glance up from the reports you’d been writing all morning. It’s close to lunch now, so you head to the kitchen to find something appetizing. You hope the chef has been in…

Walking into the kitchen, you see Bucky and Steve sitting at the island. There’s a large spread of food between the two of them, but you know it will be tucked away to their stomachs in no time.

“Hey, boys!” You greet cheerfully.

Steve turns around and gives you a broad smile and a “hey” back. Bucky just slightly nods his head and throws you more of a grimace than a smile.

You squint your eyes at Bucky’s ‘greeting’, but continue on into the room to start preparing a sandwich since there’s no stealing what’s left on the island. You and Steve start up a conversation which Bucky barely participates in except when one of you asks him a direct question. You can see Steve throwing Bucky exasperated looks when he thinks you won’t notice.

You throw everything into the sandwich press to heat up and turn around to lean against the counter and peer over at the boys. Bucky sits at the island, just spooning food into his mouth and ignoring you and Steve to the best of his ability.

“What’s up with you?” you finally question him.

Steve shoots a panicked look between you and Bucky, which lets you know that Bucky must have told him about what you’d said. Which, to be expected, you suppose. They’re best friends. And you’d already told Nat and Wanda about everything, anyway.

“Me?” he questions. Bucky looks at you kind of puzzled before going on, “I’m just… trying to help?” He says this more as if questioning the validity of his plan than giving an actual answer.

You’re quick to laugh it off. “Jesus, Buck. I agreed we should stop fucking, not stop being friends.”

Steve’s eyes widen further and Bucky chokes. He has to clear his throat before he can respond properly. “I guess that’s not a secret anymore, huh?”

You frown at him. “I figured you’d already told him everything – Nat and Wanda know.” You throw an apologetic look Steve’s way. “I’m sorry, Stevie. Didn’t mean to upset your delicate constitution.”

“Har har,” he quips. You smile brightly back at him.

Bucky sighs deeply. “I just don’t think –”

“Stop,” you interrupt him. “I told you to forget about it.”

“Well, it’s kind of fucking hard to forget,” Bucky gripes, stabbing his spoon down into his bowl.

You freeze for a moment before saying anything. You blink several times and take in a deep, calming breath.

“Hey Steve, could you give us a second?” you ask quietly. The man needs no further prompting; he’s immediately out of his seat and through the doors with a supportive little grin thrown your way before he’s out of sight.

You’re still leaning back against the counter, but now you pull your arms up to cross over your chest. You hate that all your hard work over the last few days might derail so quickly. You were already vulnerable once, and it didn’t turn out how you wanted; you’re not sure if you can do it again.

“I said I’d handle it, Buck.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I can’t.” Bucky looks up at you, his jaw tight. 

His anger is so far from expected, you’re unsure what’s going on. You pitch your head forward, disbelieving.

“What?”

“Maybe I can’t handle it; did you think of that?” he repeats. His chair scrapes across the floor as he stands up, fists gripping the edge of the counter. “Did you think that maybe I’d be uncomfortable knowing how you feel about me?”

“Buck–” you try.

“No, Y/N.” There’s reproach in his voice. He takes a visible calming breath and lets up on the countertop before it begins to crumble.

As much as it hurt the other night, this is a million times worse. This isn’t embarrassment about being rejected anymore – you can live with that – but his genuine anger over your confession guts you. You inhale a shaky breath and prepare yourself.

“I told you time and again that I don’t want a relationship. We agreed before we started anything that there wouldn’t be feelings. You promised me. You lied.”

“I didn’t lie,” you try to defend. “I honestly didn’t feel like this in the beginning.”

“But when you started to get feelings for me, you didn’t try to stop us! You let it go on, thinking that I’d change my mind!”

“Now wait a minute –”

“I’m just…” he takes a deep breath in and out. Again. His shoulders drop and he shakes his head, the fight leaving him. “I’m trying my best not to be angry. But I am.” 

Bucky looks up from where he’s been staring at the floor, trying to avoid looking at you more than necessary. You can only imagine the look of hurt on your face as Bucky fights back a defeated sigh.

“Look. I know it’s not your fault – I never should have suggested it in the first place.”

“Bucky–”

“And I wish I hadn’t.”

You suck in a tight breath between your teeth. Bucky wishes he’d never suggested it? That means he wishes he’d never slept with you at all, right? Regrets spending all the time with you that lead to being as good of friends as you are? Or were, you guess.

He regrets it? Regrets you? 

Goddamn. There’s a pain so deep inside your chest, you can’t distinguish the feeling from having a bullet lodged in your lungs. You rub deep and hard with your knuckles against your sternum, drawing the pain outwards.

There’s silence in the room.

“I see,” you whisper shakily. You suck your bottom lip roughly between your teeth and nod your head slowly, looking away from Bucky. 

You’re unsure of where to go from here. Obviously you and Bucky can’t go back to the way things were – you can’t just pretend like you hadn’t taken a sledgehammer to your friendship that night after the movies.

You catch sight of Bucky from your peripheral vision. He takes his rough hands and runs them through his long brown hair, gathering it into a bun at the nape of his neck. You know it’s a nervous habit more than functional, given the situation you’ve found yourselves in. 

It guts you to realize that your admission has caused him this much stress, caused him so many negative emotions. He’s worked so hard after all the shit Hydra put him through. Worked to make himself into a normal man with boundaries he wanted and needed respected.

And you hadn’t done that. You’d trampled all over the lines he’d drawn in the sand, barrelled right up and over to the other side.

“I didn’t mean –”

“Don’t you dare apologize, James Barnes,” you command. He looks slightly surprised by the hardness of your tone and the sound of his real name in your mouth. You hadn’t called him by his given name since becoming friends. “I’m the only one responsible for my own decisions, no matter who brought up the idea. I agreed. I caught feelings. I ruined it. Not you.” Your voice softens to make sure that Bucky knows you’re not angry with him. Not over something you did. “Don’t apologize for my mistakes.”

You step away from the countertop, moving so that you’re on the same side of the island as Bucky. Face-to-face now, but with a meter of space separating you, you look directly into Bucky’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” 

It takes him a moment to stop reeling from the sheer intensity of your apology. The sincerity behind those last two words blowing through him but also rooting him to the spot. Bucky swallows thickly and nods once, accepting your apology.

You blow out a breath and crook him a sad smile. You place one foot back, taking half of a small step away from Bucky, giving him space. Giving you space.

“I’ll go see if there are any extended missions. Maybe go help out with some of the conflicts going on.”

Giving him a lot of space.

“Doll.”

“It’s alright,” you say, still with the sad smile. “Maybe Nat can go on that mission with you, huh? You’ll have more fun together, anyway.”

“We would have had fun together,” he said. 

The ‘if you hadn’t messed it up’ left unspoken, you thought sadly. You flatten your lips and put on a thoughtful expression, nodding your head after a moment. 

“Yeah, we would have.”

Part 3

@jackiehollanderr @aboobie (will not tag) @rabbitrabbit12321 @12345sebby @blackwood-bodecker-housewife @lauraashley93 @themorningsunshine @happinessinthebeing @nash-dara @calwitch @stany0url0calwh0res111 @pono-pura-vida @learisa @introverbatim @kentokaze

[antisocialsharky]

Hi! I've not been diagnosed with ASPD (though I suspect I have it), but I do experience some pretty bad homicidal ideation. I know you've talked about that before on your Insta.

I've been doing a lot of research into HI to try to better understand myself, learn coping mechanisms, learn how to address it, etc, and I've been shocked by just how little there is. Truly, there's nothing. The best information I've found has come from criminal psychology, and that, one, is working from the perspective of serial killers, and two, never outlines coping mechanisms and treatment methods and such (which has made me realize the entire field of criminal psychology is abelist, in that it cares more about satisfying curiosity on what makes monsters instead of learning how to help people, but that's neither here nor there).

I guess I'd like to ask if you've ever seen decent information about HI before? How have your therapists treated it? I find I'm usually the one teaching my therapists all about what HI is and what it feels like and everything. I've never found anyone who could teach me anything I didn't already know from my own trial and error. Have you had the same experience?

It's getting to the point where I'm just making my own awareness blog to discuss what HI's really about, share information and coping mechanisms, share how I've managed mine, etc. I think most people with HI have gone through the struggle of feeling alienated by it, then feeling monstrous because the best representations of ourselves that we can find are in serial killers (real or fictional), and then having to learn by ourselves how to deal with it (or never learning and floundering without support and ultimately harming people). I went through it, and I don't want other folks to go through that shit too.

I know ASPD (and other cluster Bs) are also frequently misunderstood and under-researched, and I suspect that's been a big motivator for you making your awareness accounts. How has that process gone? And do you have tips for managing these types of accounts?

Bit of a longer post than I intended, apologies. I hope you're doing well. I really appreciate your posts ^^

Hello there ^^

The lack of information about HI really is a problem and I think you're probably right if you say, that they just wanna satisfy their curiosity! Additionally I think they just also don't feel the need to come up with help & coping strategy stuff, because in their minds anyone who experiences HI is, as you said, a "monster" and thus beyond help anyway. They do not perceive HI as something that regular people struggle with, or would like to work on, cus if they'd acknowledge that, they'd have to acknowledge that they themselves and their friends/family/etc. are technically capable of it too. If you know anything about humans, you'll know, that they are terrified of being someone who could hurt others/make mistakes/do something amoral, so they create a category of people who are far removed from them and who are now the only ones capable of committing such acts (and are usually not even seen as human anymore, cus that makes it essier to argument that you don't need to help these ppl, etc....yk rly just the strategy thats behind a lot of bigotry 🤷🏻‍♂️ dehumanizing others so you dont feel guilty for demonizing them, works wonders). That much for that!

In terms of the questions, I gotta say, I have not really seen much decent info about HI no! As you said, theres some in criminal psychology and some personality disorder related articles lightly touch on the topic, but never beyond basic info.

My past psychs have all treated it a bit differently

• Psych 1 at age 15 listened without judgement and recognized me with conduct disorder with later ASPD probability (cus I already met all of the ASPD symptoms) and insisted, that due to my explicit plans, I should go inpatient for a bit (went voluntarily, left after a week, had I not wanted to go at all, they probably would have sectioned me involuntarily).

• Psych 2 at age 16/17 just ignored it completely tbh! I told her and she was like "yeah I dont see that, that seems a bit extreme for your age" and we never talked about it again, so safe to say she knew jackshit and I didnt like her, so I didnt bother explaining.

• Psych 3 at age 19/20, who I only saw shortly, also listened without judgement and said that my HI in connection to my other symptoms definitely sounds like ASPD and recommended to get an updated assessment. He unfortunately said he wouldnt be able to treat me tho (idk what motivation that statement had).

• Psych 4 at age 22ish till now, absolutely blamed it all on puberty and told me it was very normal that I was so angry and wanted revenge at age 15 and that my HI now, is just still some anger simmering away or whatever. But shes a shit psych overall, who doesnt seem to be able to grasp that not everyone thinks prosocially, so I genuinely didnt bother explaining anything.

So overall I think with exception for psych 1, none of them knew shit about HI or weren't ready to treat it/acknowledge it. Which, as far as I've heard, is a very common experience for ASPDers (and also other ppl who experiences HI).

Making your own account about it sounds like an amazing plan! Theres definitely not enough out there who focus on the topic ^^

As for the process of my own account, that one was partially indeed motivated by wanting to create a space for ppl with that diagnosis (cus back then there were only 1 or 2 cluster B accounts on insta that mentioned ASPD at all!) and possibly helping others feel less alone & less monstrous, cus feeling like that has definitely driven me into bad communities and situations before. Partially, it was also motivated by the fact, that online attention, is a relatively easy way for me to fuel my need for certain stuff and I knew I'd step on a lot of ppls toes with my posts and be confronted with ableists and would get to discuss with them and theres just a certain thrill about putting your thoughts out there and not knowing whether people will like it or not. The online world serves as a big coping mechanism for me, as well as a source of community!

The process of making the account and running it successfully is indivdiual, but I do have some tips:

• you may wanna make sure that any info you state as a sort of "fact" can be "proven" by science (tho science is ofc never 100% fact but yk what I mean), cus otherwise ppl who may ask for proof or may look things up, will not take your account seriously and may class you as spreading misinfo and thats a hard label to lose again

• if you insert personal experience, you may benefit from being very explicit about the fact, that its just YOUR experience and that you're not trying to dictate how everyone with HI/a certain condition feels. ppl online very often lack that particular skill of reading comprehension & criticial thinking, where they can look at a post about something that they have and realize that this post is maybe just simply not about them/their symptoms. you'll need a lot of patience for the "okay but not everyone...", "but what about...", "okay but I am different because...." comments. like a LOT of patience xD

• with HI especially, you will run into a lot of ableism, but also just a lot of the whole "having a symptom is not an excuse to commit harm" crowd or "the symptom as an explanation doesnt mean you get to not work on that symptom" typa people or yk any variation rly. so before you grow as an account, its benefitial to think about where you personally would draw the boundaries as to which symptoms need to be worked on, what harm is "okay" without an apology, what harm is "not okay" without an apology, whether you wanna work on it from a harm reduction perspective or reframing which aspects of HI are seen as harmful in the first place or....the list goes on. if you have an inconsistent framework that could harm the potential of your account, maybe! (some ppl drive very well on the road of contradicting themselves, so its ofc up to u, but this is something I've learned over the years)

• if people who DM you/comment/etc. are not willing to listen to you, or are not open to considering your perspective, there is no shame in using the block button! you cannot have a productive conversation with someone who is already convinced they're right and is unwilling to learn! save your energy for those who do wanna learn!

• people usually love accounts that have a personality! mine was a lot more successfull when I put cute animal stickers on everything and leaned on the soft boy with bad guy disorder contradiction a lot (which to be fair wasn't a lie, I rly liked the aesthetic), or when I talked a lot about my personal life and stuff! even today ppl associate me with being the shark guy who just also happens to have this disorder! so giving ppl something to be interested in beyond your content topic, is a cool way to have them relate/like you & your account more!

• another personal trick of mine on insta were story games, but userboxes work just as well! ppl love interactive content! they love posting those silly things to their stories and making highlights to describe themselves with that stuff and thats a rly easy way to broaden exposure and have people follow you for that and then handily reaching them with your educational content too!

Thats all I can think of right now really! ^^

[commsroom]

first of all thank you so much for having this blog and sharing your thoughts!! your eiffelposting (and heraposting) has literally got me through the post w359 Grieving Process after running though the whole thing in about 2 weeks and your character insight is. well. chefs kiss. Eiffel Understander Of All Time. 2 things: 1, if it’s ok, you’ve mentioned before about an eiffel version of change of mind, and the idea has (1/2)

(2/2) literally stuck with me since and i’d love to hear your thoughts on that if you have any! 2, are there active w359 discords about bc i got a deep need to yap about all this (apologies if the first msg came through twice, tumblr's being weird)

oh, it makes me very happy to hear that!! your art is a gift, and i'm glad i can offer you something in return.

as for your question... yes! okay. the basic premise is to frame eiffel losing (and regaining) his memory as a catalyst for character growth, as a narrative parallel to lovelace's death and resurrection, rather than a resolution. i think it's noteworthy that the finale has eiffel faced with himself from first a very internal (the final confrontation literally taking place inside his head) and then a very external (hearing his logs as an outsider after losing his memory) perspective and i think the natural extension of this is, well. to confront him with himself.

one of the most key things about eiffel's character arc is that he wants to escape himself. "it's taken me this long to realize that running from everyone else means that you're alone with yourself" but, as addressed in constructive criticism, he's also running from himself. he doesn't like what he hears on those tapes, but the eiffel of succulent rat-killing tar both is and isn't the eiffel of brave new world, and i think that's what's being set up/suggested at the end.

i think viewing eiffel's memory loss as a death is incomplete, while viewing it as a "fresh start" or anything of the sort is incompatible with his existing character arc. but if you think of it as part of this pattern of eiffel trying to escape himself, and ending up still stuck with himself...? if he makes the big sacrifice, "escapes" the person he is as much as anyone can, and then finds he's still stuck with himself, still has to live as the person he is...? then, what next?

(i think this also ties in well with maintaining sobriety; addiction, self-destructive impulses and the desire to not be present in his life, etc. are all rooted in the same things.)

my concept of eiffel regaining his memory would be this sort of... fever dream "life flashing before his eyes" sequence of stepping into significant moments in his life (as a stranger) and interacting with himself, and needing to accept / reintegrating all of these versions of who doug eiffel is and has been. that the question of "am i still doug eiffel?" is one of accountability for his past but that he's always been changing and will continue to grow. i think a key part of this would be him seeing these moments through a pop culture lens / as if it's a movie and then more gradually seeing what they really are. ideally, these would be moments tied to specific songs for him; eiffel's internal soundtrack is well beyond wolf 359's budget, i'm sure, but it's a hypothetical anyway. these would be real memories, in some form, but obviously none of this would be happening for real; it's just how i think his brain would make sense of it (while he's presumably unconscious.) it's like sarah shachat said about eiffel's story in limbo: to tell that story, he would first have to make it a story.

i like this because i think it works well with eiffel's existing arc. i like it because it provides a different angle on self-exploration via memory in the same vein as memoria and change of mind. i like it because it makes a good potential parallel to shut up and listen/constructive criticism, and to mayday (eiffel alone with the voices of others vs. eiffel literally alone with himself.) it feels like a natural extension + heightened conclusion to things that i feel are already implied + set up. and, while i like where wolf 359 ended and would never want to add to it, i like imagining what zach valenti would do with a bunch of different versions of eiffel at different stages of his life interacting; i think he would knock it out of the park with material like that.

i think the real core of identity in wolf 359 is in these moments where people assert who they are, or decide to be who they are. again, in parallel to lovelace... the same way that lovelace decides to be isabel lovelace, "even if [she] never has been before", eiffel would decide to be doug eiffel, all the people he's been, the person he is now, and all the people he's going to be.

(as for discord... i think there are some, but unfortunately i don't know of any that i would personally recommend. you are always welcome to ramble at Me on discord, but i know that's probably not the same.)

[lunabug2004]

**Warning: this post is not actually Byler or Stranger Things related (specifically)! Rather, it is a post about the blog, more specifically why I haven't been very active recently, but I do mention these things and I tagged them bc they are what my blog is about, therefore the ppl who know me probably do through these tags, so it felt right to do so. If anyone would like me to remove these tags, just say the words and I will!**

I'm writing this post because I want to apologize for being so inactive lately. Now, I know there's not anyone who sits and waits for me to post or celebrated every time I post or anything like that, but I still feel guilty. I've felt like such a part of the Byler (and ST) community here on Tumblr for the short amount of time that I've been on here, so idk, I just feel like I'm letting myself down ig, and possibly others for not contributing to this community I love so much.

I realize this is kinda sounding like a goodbye post, but it's absolutely not! It's actually kinda the opposite, because I'm here to say that I'm going to try to start posting regularly again! However... I still can't say that in full confidence just yet.

I'm now going to go into the reason(s) I've been so distant from this blog lately, and it may get a little personal, so feel free to scroll past if you don't wanna read anything more :) [also very slight trigger warning for bad mental states and terminal illness]

Okay, I'm aware I just said "reasons", as in plural, but there's really only one main reason that has kinda branched off into more (in a way). So what started it all: my uncle, who I've grown up quite close to, as all my family is very close (for example, growing up, we would have "family night"s every weekend where all ~10 of us would sit around and play games, laughing and talking for hours on end) was diagnosed with a very rapidly spreading terminal illness. Now, I'm not going to go into enough detail to say what it is, but I will say that his current life expectancy is 2-5 years, probably even less due to his severity. He also has a 13 year old daughter, who is now being faced with this awful situation, as well. This whole thing, as one would probably guess, has rocked my family to the core.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I am someone who does not get emotional. I rarely ever cry. I bring this up because one of the reasons I'm finding it hard to be active is because right now, I'm dealing with a lot of guilt and grief and part of the reason I'm feeling it so deeply is because I haven't cried over him yet. I feel like an awful human being, I feel like an awful niece. I just feel awful. His daughter, that I mentioned before, has always been closer to me than any of my other (younger) cousins have, so I feel even more awful for her and the fact that she is having to deal with all of this at such a young age. Anyways, to get to the point, these past few months I've been feeling like absolute garbage, and I've been so mad at the world it's honestly not even describable.

Okay, now, where does this blog come in? Well, at first I distanced myself just because I couldn't find the motivation to post, however I was still using ST and Byler to distract myself from it all. I couldn't think about really anything but my family, ST, and finals by the last week of this school semester. Then, finally, because of the break, I could sit down and find pure comfort in both Stranger Things (and my favorite Thai BLs) again. I thought about actively posting on the blog again. But then the wrapping happened. And it's like one of the only things that was bringing me comfort was also suddenly bringing me immense sadness at the same time. I knew it was coming, so I thought I would be ready, but it really overwhelmed me, and I lost all of my motivation yet again. After the comfort of spending Christmas with my family, including my uncle, I wouldn't say I feel better but I've at least more-so come to terms with everything. And I've also, still needing my #1 comfort show, already gone back to watching ST, so I finally feel like I'll be able to post again.

Now, there's other things that have been contributing to my stress, such as school in general, the thought that I might not want to be a math teacher after all (despite wanting that for as long as I can remember), my parents being stupid, and other stuff. But this is the main thing plaguing my life and my thoughts at the moment so... yeah.

I understand that this is probably stupid to some, talking about my blog and Stranger Things when this awful thing is happening in my life, and I also understand that most people probably won't even read this, but this blog and community is truly something that brings me joy, and I felt like all the the friends I've felt I've made on here deserved some type of explanation for my sudden disappearance.

If you've made it this far, congrats! I'm sorry I put you through reading this! I hope to see you when I make my next post, which will hopefully be very soon! <3

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[zundamind]

wow, would you look at that! it's been a full ass year since you fucked me over! september 29th.... yeahh..... XD our fuck-you-versary! hi clifford!

in case you dont remember, the name piko might jog your mind. yeah thats me!! hellwo!! honestly you shouldve known better than to stick with your old username but hey props on you for changing it last minute! almost didnt find you for a second lolll!!

i wanted to drop in and say HEY! HELLO! HI! and give you some status updates :3

update one: i'm getting better!! no thanks to you, of course. and actually i should say we're getting better. yep! thats what happens when you suffer so bad your brain cant take suffering solo! XD

update two: while my mental health has been at an all time low ever since you fucking dropped me like a fucking ROCK, ive been getting over things lately! my clean streaks are now longer than a week! i no longer want to kms! im even making friends again!

update three: while both of the above statements are true, you still live in my mind rent free. i remember when i first stumbled across your blog a few months ago, i had a full on spiral! not anymore, though. i am STEEL, BABY! also you spinning in the mental microwave rent free is why i'm sending you this heartfelt ask!

man.... even when i try, i still find you somehow and its never intentional. like imagine scrolling the tptm tag only to be straight up jumpscared by your ex best friend's username! how embarrassing!

also i'm sorry but i have to say the reason(s) you left are sooo fucking stupid..... what, cus i was weird? come on. everyones a little weird. even a little deviantart weird. oh and because of some stupid opinions that shouldntve even mattered if you were actually a friend? get real, trey. what if i left your ass because you had a fuckin biting kink? that wouldve been funny actually. like making a sad callout post on twitter thats just "my friend left me because i wasnt vanilla enough!" XDDD

oh, and if you ever see your "stalker" again, assuming you're not thinking its me and that its actually your previous qpr or whatever the fuck, say hi! i find it funny as FUCK, since, you know, you were considering cyberstalking me at one point. and tell chaos i said hi too. i'd also mention mayu, but do you two even keep in touch anymore? probably not, considering the weird things she's done.

anyways thats the end of my relay. if you dont want these kinds of asks again, i suggest either turning asks off or just straight up deleting your tumblr and/or making another one that is NOT connected to any username youve used in the past, because in that case i'll just find your ass again lmaooo. remember! every year on this day will be the day i remind you that you are NOT allowed to stay sane X3

sincerely, your most hated, piko. (i hardly use my old blog anymore, so have fun finding my current blog! and do what you want with this ask, make a callout post, scream into the ethers, reply to it, idc.)

this should stay private but idc

i know what i did was wrong piko! i was 12-13.

dont take this as me excusing myself. i had horrible emotional regulation back then, ive healed from everything back there. you dont deserve to be called out because ur like. 14-15.

do not bring mayu or chaos into this,weve all healed and forgot abt you.

i overreacted bc of very worthless things because i was basically obsessed witj you, you were my fp, if you didnt know.

completely forgot you even existed, i havent been checking your profiles at all in months. you shouldnt either, please forget about me. you'll drive yourself crazy.,

if you think im going to "cancel" you, no im not. for your sake, please dont interact with me anymore. i apologize for how i acted over stupid things, but we were both young and idiotic. im also a system, i dont even remember half of the things you did bc of that.

move on. ive moved on, weve all moved on.

dont bother yourself with me, you dont need to.

[dilatorywriting]

(Edit: I think this is the longest text wall I've ever sent you. I'm so so sorry - Reaper) so! about the selkie ask from the other anon

Funny thing is, I was clearing out my old tumblr blog a few days ago, and stumbled across that very post as I was mass deleting everything I'd ever reblogged. Unfortunately, I can't link it to you, because I misjudged how tumblr saves things in your likes. Apparently, if you like a post on your own blog, that you yourself reblogged, then delete the post, it also deletes the like. I did not know that. RIP all those posts I wanted to save, including that selkie one.

Anyway, at the time, that post gave me brainrot for an Azul AU that could maybe fit with your Monster Mayhem series? But I sat on it because: A) I have already cursed you with Rook brainrot. I have done enough damage B) I was aware that you were doing your exams this past week. I do not wish to be distracting C) I am invested in your Leona and Rook stories at the moment. On the off chance that this new brainrot would infect you as well, then I would be shooting both of us in the foot

But then. Mystery selkie anon comes from somewhere in the blind eternities and speaks about the exact post that inflicted my brainrot? I will take this as a sign from the gods to spill the Azul brainrot, for better or worse. I apologize in advance.

So.

Azul is some description of very old, very magical, eldritch horror sea beast. He was asleep for centuries, somewhere in a deep, dark, forgotten part of the ocean. And then some idiot woke him up.

Azul wakes to find that humanity has changed so much since last he saw it. The lower lifeforms (read: short-lived mortals) had flourished in a way that he and other beings like him had never expected. Speaking of others like him, he also finds that he's alone - he can't sense of any of the other eltdritch horror beings he remembers from long ago. He can't tell whether they're asleep somewhere, like he was, banished, or dead. He doesn't quite care either, it's not as if he was friends with any of them.

Instead he observes the humans. He's always been fascinated with humans. Their determination and what they could achieve despite their fleeting existence. It was a human, who'd put him to sleep all those years ago, after all.

Eventually, he's not satisfied anymore with watching from afar, and decides he wants to walk among them. To see them closer, perhaps even rise above them, have them revere him as they once did others of his kind, as they should have done to him in the old days but didn't. It's also lonely, so far down in the deepest darkest ocean depths. Not that Azul would ever admit that.

So Azul turns to his collection and knowledge of ancient magicks. Twsiting spells with odd rules and loopholes that he loves so much. The same tricky spells that the humans used to come to him for, while they worshiped the others. He chooses one that will allow him to shapeshift his body into that of a human, but it has a rather pricey trade off. In order to convert a being such as him into something so small and solid, there's a tiny issue of matter and energy displacement, conservation, and condensation and such. Very complicated things. In short, the spell requires that a physical object be imbued with his displaced essence, to maintain the human form. It's a very old and quite common shapeshifting spell, and the humans have many myths about it, not seeming to realize that it all comes from the same spell. Myths about creatures whose power is bound to an object. Dragons and their gemstones, Selkies and their coats, Foxes and their tails.

But it's a risky trade. Should another being come into possession of that imbued object, and take ownership of it, they would too take control of its true owner. Azul knows this well, he'd used that loophole to his advantage many times in the past. Considering this very carefully, he chooses his object. A trinket would be too shiny, too noticable, too easily misplaced. It must be something plain and common. Something no-one really thinks of taking, something one would normally have on them at all times as a human. He chooses a coat.

And Azul goes ashore.

Meanwhile, our MC runs modest little magic shop in the village. It's nothing incredibly fancy and their own magic abilities are nothing really to brag home about. They deal in common "entertainment" magic mostly. Talismans that change water to juice, or bread to chocolate. Little poppers that make tiny indoor fireworks. A potion that instantly makes a few daisies grow. Little things, mostly geared towards those that aren't able to perform magic. No-one else in the village is especially magically inclined and the general opinion of the little shop is that it's charming. And so is it's keeper!

Publically that is.

Behind MC's thickened with sugar customer service facade is someone who's running on 95% spite. Because here's the thing about magic users: they tend to judge other magic users on magical aptitude alone, and MC never had much of that. Being snubbed by every wizard, warlock, or elf you ever meet leaves one quite bitter. And from that bitterness came the decision to run a store, selling your "not real magic" to the masses, because it makes those wizards seethe, and seeing their soured faces as you "sully the name of magical arts" brings you so much joy.

Recently, however, you have a rival.

There's boy who comes to the market every Sunday, peddling flashier tricks and talismans than yours on a small folding table. Normally, you wouldn't mind, given he only comes one day a week, but that nonchalance ended the moment a sheepish customer came into your store a following Monday, trying to return a faulty item they'd bought from the boy to you. When asked, they'd adverted their eyes and claimed the boy said he worked for you and that you would handle all customer complaints.

Well.

You'd smiled very brightly, politely informed the customer of their mistake, and accepted the declaration of war.

You've been at it for awhile now, and your latest scheme to one up the mystery market scammer was to get a familiar to help you in the shop. A cute one. A sweet one. Something pretty to draw in customers and perform a little pest control. And what luck it is that you know a mage in a nearby town that deals in such familiars. Sure, Cater was a bit of a flirt, but he'd never snubbed you, or tried to cheat you, and would know exactly what you meant when you stormed in and said "I want something so cute it'll destroy someone."

On your way to Cater's, you stop at a quaint little tea shop. You buy some rosehip to take with you, since you don't come to this town often, and on your way out you notice a man quitely reading at a table. His coat had fallen to the floor and, without thinking, you pick it up. This catches his attention and, startled, he blinks up at you. You can't help but notice how pretty he is - it's almost hypnotic. Soft pale hair that frames his face in waves and bright blue eyes. The mole by his mouth draws attention to his lips. You smile at him, like it's the most natural thing in the world, and apolgize. You tell him his coat was on the floor, and that you're just returning it. As you do, you place it on the back of his chair. Your hand brushes his shoulder and there's a sharp jolt of what feels like static electricity. The strength of it almost makes you jump. Instead you shiver, shake your head, apologize again, and leave.

You don't think about it again until later, when Cater tries to place an open binding sigil on your arm to bond you with a cute, fuzzy familiar, and it fizzles out immediately. Three times in a row. Then Cater says that the only reason the binding sigil would fail, would be if you'd already bonded to something. You blink in confusion, and Cater goes on to say (now with concern colouring his tone) that it would've felt like a strong jolt of static electricity. Some strange object someone might've passed you, or perhaps an animal that might've wandered up and brushed-

A man, you say, thinking of the tea shop. Cater chokes.

Your brain runs a mile a minute, picking over every detail you could remember about the mystery pretty man in the shop, focusing on him intently. Cater goes through various stages of panic as you do so ("a man?!? that's not familiar binding that's practically marriage! You're telling me you accidentally got married on the way over here?!?"). Eventually he tries his scrying mirror, to find the culprit, only for the mirror's glass to turn ink black and shatter. Cater does not take this well.

Eventually he lets you go home, but only after you agree to take his assistant, Deuce home with you for the night. Deuce, the sweetheart that he is, glares at every man who walks past like he wants to punch their lights out. You, conversely, are almost completely inside your own head. You can't bind to other people with bonding sigils - they're meant for familiars or contracts, they don't work on people - so what does that mean? That the man you met wasn't human, and instead some magic creature? But why would you bind with him just by touching his coat?

Meanwhile, Azul does not immediately notice that he'd bonded with MC. He'd registered the sharp jolt of magic, sure, but simply brushed it off as static runoff due to a magic user being in close contact with him and his coat. Nothing to worry about. Nothing would ever happen from someone just touching the coat - that was ridiculous. No, in order to actually take control & create a bind, they'd have to know the correct ritual spell. The one he personally ripped up every copy of nearly a millenia ago when he was last awake.

Then he goes to the seashore, later in the evening, to return to the ocean for the night, and finds that he can no longer revert to his true form. Or to any form other than his current one.

Oh dear.

It's easy for him to trace the culprit. In in the water of a tidepool he sees MC, deep in thought, focusing intently on him as he'd appeared to them, and thus keeping him tied to this form. Azul watches, with a mixture of contempt and fascination, as it becomes clear that this human has no idea what they've done, how they've done it, or who and what he is. Well. This'll be an easy fix at least.

He spends the night planning. He settles for the apologetic approach. An "I'm so sorry, I believe you may have accidentally set off a sigil I had in my coat pocket when you picked it up and it's linked us somehow. I'm sure it's a bother - don't worry I'll just remove it" and the whole mess should be finished.

Except it isn't. Because the moment he steps foot in your shop, your smile drops like a stone and you point an accusing finger at him. You're demanding to know what he's done to you, and Azul finds a whole millenia of patience, plus last night's planning, going down the drain in an instant as he stoops to argue with this human. Because this isn't his fault, thank you, it's clearly yours.

You shout at eachother for a bit, and come to the conclusion that it's best for both parties if this magical bond is severed immediately. But it doesn't dissolve, no matter what you or Azul try, and both of you slowly come to accept that this is going to be a little more complicated to sort out.

In your exasperation, you mutter "So that's it? I'm basically married to you now?" only to see Azul's face go the colour of a ripe apple. Instantly, you decide you will only be referring to Azul as your beloved husband going forward. It's only fair, if you're going to be stuck with him. (I apologize again for the sheer length of this monstrosity. I hope your exams went well!)

-Reaper

Oh, don't mind me over here in the corner just absolutely FROTHING AT THE MOUTH OVER THIS CONCEPT FOR MONSTER!AZUL. Reaper, my friend, you have some absolutely stellar brain worms my dude. 11/10. Never misses. My brain is going brrRRRRRRRR because I had plans! I swear I did! I had sorted Azul's lil story all into a nice, internal, filing system and was ready to lay it out whenever I finally found the time. But this selkie vibe is just so !!!!!! So!!!!! !!! I want to wrap it up in my head and never let it go. Maybe I can swipe the concepts while maintaining the og plot, or perhaps a hybrid, or maybe maybe ack! This is wonderful i want to EAT it

[vetted-gaza-funds]

hi there! sorry to take up your time. i just had a question about one of the blogs listed in this post: https://www.tumblr.com/vetted-gaza-funds/755429547417206784/donate-to-a-family-in-gaza-today

the blog is ahmedharara, in the "promoted by" section. it seems like people are taking your post as proof that ahmedharara is verified. however, a new blog, mohalwadya2, recently contacted me asking me to boost ahmedharara's own fundraiser, which is unrelated to the one you link in that post. i ended up talking to aymanayyad82, maker of the original fundraiser, and they told me that they do not know ahmedharara and suggested that he might have reblogged their campaign and copied text from their posts on purpose in order to seem more legitimate.

this was very concerning, but i'm still not sure what's going on. do you know anything to suggest ahmedharara is a trustworthy (or untrustworthy) blog?

Oh that is very odd. I do see that this blogger was promoting the Ayyad family fundraiser if I scroll down to the bottom, but sure enough it’s a different one being promoted now. I’ll check to see if that one has been verified by someone, but it doesn’t bode well that Ayman doesn’t know this person. For now I’ll take that blog handle off of the post and add it to my list of TBD funds, thank you for letting me know. Apologies for the mixup, the Ayyad family has a lot of handles so it didn’t occur to me that this might be someone trying to piggy back off of them. I’m sorry to say that I don’t remember how I came across that blog, but usually how I add handles to the “promoted by” section is by looking through my inbox here and on my main blog, and if they’re promoting a vetted fundraiser that I’ve already posted, I add that handle to the list so that it comes up when people search it. I’m going to be more careful about this in the future.

I have to say that this is very irritating, though. (Not you, I mean, but the person who cited me.) I’ve tried to make it clear that this blog is not a source of verification, it’s just meant to be a directory where you can find funds that have been verified by more than one source all in one place. Citing my post as verification rather than the source that I included in my post for a reason is already frustrating, but promoting an entirely different fundraiser than the one that I linked in that post to begin with is really ridiculous. Still, the mixup is ultimately on me, so I apologize. I’ll contact the person who cited me and ask for them to at least edit the post.

I don’t really want to start another debacle like the smear campaigns from this past week in case this person is legitimate, but at the very least I will say to everyone, please stop citing me as verification for this or any other fundraiser. Anyway, thank you again for letting me know.

[sawyerquinnbrown]

Adventures in Boob Removal

Check out my new blog post on Wordpress!

Where to start? Probably in April 2022, when I met with the first surgeon who was supposed to perform my top surgery.

This surgeon, who we will call Dr. Rude, began by explaining that my chest “wouldn’t look like a man’s chest” post-surgery, to which my non-binary ass replied,

“Good thing I’m not a man, then.”

Dr. Rude did not get the joke. He went on to complain about my having had a breast reduction surgery in the past, claiming I was “making [his] job more difficult.” I refrained from sarcastically apologizing,

“Sorry my understanding of my gender dysphoria didn’t happen sooner, good buddy.”

Anyway, it’s a good thing that first attempt at top surgery didn’t work out before my move to Chicago, because I wasn’t sure I could trust Dr. Rude, who had apparently never met a non-binary person before.

Once I moved to Chicago, however, it became clear that if I got my surgery there I would be waiting years for an appointment. The soonest they had for a consultation appointment was a year out. “Don’t bring your paperwork,” they told me, so to hell with that.

Instead I settled on flying to Boston for my surgery, since 1) I wouldn’t be waiting a year, 2) some of the best surgeons are in Boston, and 3) I have family and friends there with whom I could stay for my recovery.

My discussions with the receptionist at the new surgeon’s office (we’ll call him Dr. Did-My-Breast-Reduction-Six-Years-Ago Second Try) involved crossed wires, however.

“How long have you legally been a man?” they asked.

Puzzled, I replied, “No time. I’m non-binary.” This stumped the receptionist for a moment. “There’s an ‘X’ on my state ID?” I offered.

“Okay. And how long have you been on hormones?”

“I’m not on hormones.”

Once again this threw the receptionist for a loop, but we did manage to schedule a pre-surgical exam, so go us.

At the pre-surgical exam I met with the surgeon’s assistant, who spent about fifteen minutes flapping her hands over my boobs while she told me about the surgery. Fondling complete, she told me to wait in the lobby to schedule my surgery, and she’d see if Dr. Second Try was available to speak with me. So I waited in the lobby, where I was told my surgery couldn’t be scheduled until they submitted to my insurance anyway, at which point Dr. Second Try appeared, fully scrubbed- and masked-up, and announced to the room,

“So no nipples?”

“No nipples,” I confirmed with a thumbs up, glad that the entire waiting room now knew this.

Off I toddled back to Chicago to wait for my surgery date. The first time my info had been submitted to insurance, with Dr. Rude, it had taken about two weeks to hear back, so I was surprised that I hadn’t heard in three weeks. I finally got a call saying they’d never received my letter of approval from my psychiatrist.*

*This is a fun thing about being trans. It’s not enough to say to a doctor that you have gender dysphoria. First you have to go to a mental health professional to say you have gender dysphoria, then that mental health professional writes down that you have gender dysphoria and informs the doctor that hey, this person has gender dysphoria. Very efficient system, makes perfect sense.

“What do you mean you never got my letter? It’s the first thing I handed over at my exam.”

“We never got it.”

“It was in an orange folder.” They told me to hold.

Three minutes later: “We found the orange folder!”

“Why did it take three weeks to determine that you didn’t have my letter?” I asked politely, masking my understandable annoyance.

The scheduler said, snippy, “We have other things to do.”

Well excuse the shit out of me.

I’d go into more detail about the rest of the process, but everything went pretty smoothly for scheduling after that, as well as the surgery itself and the recovery (which was very itchy. No one warned me). The only moment of note was when I went to get my drains taken out (if you don’t know about drains, consider yourself very lucky).

The nurse who was assisting Dr. Second Try started to speak. “She–I mean, he–“

“They,” I corrected gently but wearily.

“They need more bandages,” she finished. Bless her, she was trying.*

*I find it a little odd that so many of the staff struggled with my pronouns and gender identity. This surgeon had done top surgeries many times before.

Anyhow, that was my top surgery adventure, and I’m finally able to lift my hands all the way over my head again. Yay! Though I do have something I call "phantom boob syndrome"--similar to phantom limb syndrome except that it means sometimes my chest will be itchy but no matter how much I scratch the itch won't go away because the itch is on my no-longer-existent boob. #suffering

[purplemortuary]

So hello... again

I got lost it seems, my apologies although I know nowadays nobody reads this blog posts but I like to have a space to share my thoughts. When I was a kid I used to write so many stories, I had the biggest imagination and teachers would read my stories out loud. As in today I merely write songs and my thoughts here, so... journaling? I wonder what happened to my story ideas... maybe I got them all out as a kid and now I'm empty... anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about.

I've been quite low lately entering in an episode of bad mood and grumpiness which I hate. I've been working like crazy still not knowing what's gonna happen with my freelance clients which means stress is a core part of me as in "hey today you have money but tomorrow you won't be able to pay rent" and haven't had time to update completely my portfolio so that's fun. Little impostor syndrome is there too telling me "nobody's gonna hire you anyway, they'll think you're not qualified" and that's scary because most times I believe it.

I've been watching a show called Maid on Netflix while working and found it so interesting, obviously I can't relate to the part of being a single mum leaving an abusive partner but I can relate to having to separate from a partner, keeping the two cats we adopted together, not having anywhere to go and barely any money. And I slowly got better conditions, even better food for the three of us. And just like the protagonist it is ups and downs but we gotta keep moving right? I'm not in any way comparing myself to the protagonist because she has a lot going on and sometimes surprises me how much calm she is and just keeps fighting for herself and her daughter.

I find that sometimes it's useless to look for reasons and doing a self-phylosophy class with ourselves about how unfair the world is... sometimes we just have no choice but to keep moving forward and pushing ourselves. I'm quite depressed right now (not clinically I hope) and I find myself staring at walls cathatonically like I haven't in ages but I have to keep working, I have to feed me, feed my cats, clean the house, even if sometimes we suffer we must do things because we just have to. This is earth not heaven nor hell, can be both and sometimes just one at a time. I don't wanna waste my time thinking "what is my purpuse" or "I came to earth just to suffer" or "why couldn't I have it easier and my friends and family too", reality is that there is no purpuse and we can set ideas for the future and keep going.

That's what I've realised in these past weeks I've been quite self-isolated as the Manifesting Generator Herectic Investigator I am. I realised that I hear all the time people and even myself questioning everything and trying to find answers but sometimes we just have to accept reality and do the things we must do.

I find happiness in waking up and seeing my cats' faces, they are the closest I'll have to children and I worry about them all the time, many of the things I do are to buy them good food and other amenities. I buy good cheap food for me too, I was able to save so much money these months like never before in my life but the sad part of it is that I'm just doing it because I know maybe tomorrow a design client will say "no more" and I'll have to live out of those savings for maybe 2 months max. I'm saying it because I wish I was saving for a trip to Japan or something exciting like a concert or a new place for me and the cats outside of the city or even to leave the country. Sometimes I wish I had other people's problems that wouldn't involve me not being able to pay rent. I wish that if I lost my job I'd have a place to be but there's no use in thinking that way although sometimes I give myself a pep talk on how there are people who are actually single mothers struggling to feed their kid or people who are already homeless... wish we could all be born to this earth at least with a place for us to be without having to pay nobody for existing in that space.

That's it for now, I have to wake up at 9AM and it's 3AM now I'm trying to ignore math now and pretend I'll sleep 8 hours.

Goodnight.

[diggingupgrave]

Magnificently Cursed... the blog post ✨

🕰🍂🕯🌿📔🧣🌙

My writing log says it’s been exactly a year since I started writing Magnificently Cursed, my Dark Academia Inuokko Magic School AU! I find summer to be insufferable (my apologies to the sun) so I took an escape hatch to an early fall last year and immediately fell down this massive rabbit hole. Not only did I write the whole fic and make overly-intricate graphics for each chapter… I also made a ton of other content that I simply didn’t have enough time to post! (Fall is but one season… unless you’re me, and it’s two, because fuck summer) So as a little anniversary gift to me, I’m going back through the archives and finally putting everything in one place. 

Let’s start with the character mood boards, shall we? 

Toge Inumaki: 

I wanted Toge to have an earthy/natural, vintage-y feel, while Yuuta was all sleek and new. I’m still completely obsessed with this library-lizard aesthetic for Toge.

I low-key wound up buying a brown sweater after searching online for literal hours just like the one in the upper left so we could twin. That duffle coat still has my whole heart. Lavender mug inspired by Neara 🥺

Yuuta Okkotsu:

The lil ghostie patch 😭 I still think Yuuta would look hot as hell in all these clothes- especially the speckle-y fisherman sweater. Coat game is strong here as well. 

... so is it obvious that I spend too much time on Canva yet? 😅

The Timeline: 

My outline wasn’t outlining and I resorted to making an in-world calendar to make sure the dates were realistic. Each chapter is a different color, and the lines represent what days the chapters covered in-world. The corresponding stars represented each chapter’s posting dates… except the real life dates didn’t line up with the fictional dates (rude), so those thursdays were actually saturdays? I think? I'm actually not 100% sure what past me was up to here, to be totally honest 😅

(also, politely ignore that bit that says “epilogue - december” 💀i’ll get to it when i get to it. I don’t really like the idea of it being *over* so maybe i'll just gatekeep that bit forever)

⬆️ Example of aforementioned “outlining,” which, yes, is unfortunately littered with as many potential tweets as actual organization 💀

Not pictured: the outline for the first three chapters… when i thought this fic… would only *be* three chapters. 🪦

Writing Log:

I wrote all 92k between July 13th and September 13th (including 60k in August, nanowrimo style)!

Honestly would love to know what her regimen was because i immediately went back to being slow and undisciplined. I don’t foresee this coming august looking anything like this, lol.

Also, sidenote, hilarious that I took a break to work on it would make a whole in the middle of this? Because I literally just finished that piece this week and posted it today 😅

The Playlist:

Spotify proving that July 13th commitment! If you start a wip without procrastinating and making a playlist for two hours first... did you really start a new wip?

The playlist was three and a half hours and i would listen to it nearly every day, sometimes multiple times in a day 💀. Listen during a rainstorm for peak vibes.

(other favs not pictured: The Butterflly Effect’s cover of “Lay All Your Love on Me,” Sabrina Carpenter’s “Decode,” Liz Longley’s “Rescue My Heart,” and "Nothing's Gonna Happen" by The Staves) 

Bonus:

(fall baking... toge's fav pumpkin muffins of course)

(my toge sweater knockoff)

(editing buddy... clearly working very hard)

(cider donut cider... for the ✨vibes✨)

(obsessively drinking massive pots of harney and son’s victorian london fog tea as i tried to interpret my own bullshit)

(me celebrating actual halloween like i didn't start in july)

.... ANYWAY (if you made it this far 😅) many thanks to anyone who read/kudos/commented/supported this fic, because (if you can't tell already) i had so much fun writing it.

Currently, working on another longfic rn that's also promising to destroy my life... but you never forget your first 😘

[thegreatimpersonator]

Hi Sarah, I probably should just unfollow you and keep curating my experience here, but you've been one of my fave blogs for years so I'm gonna try to explain it just in case it helps. The reason why I'm leaving and other people I know have left is because your blog is so draining... Obviously we don't know you personally or how you behave on a day-to-day basis, and it's not all your fault since 80% of your blog is usually asks of people complaining, but do you really not realize this? I remember that you said once during your hiatus that you were going to focus on enjoying things and getting rid of the negative vibes and stop responding to asks that only created drama. That felt so refreshing and good for you, but it keeps getting worse now. And if it feels this way to me and others, I can't imagine the weight that you must carry every day from the moment you log in... I'm telling you this because I don't consider you a toxic person and I think that you'd like to know if someone perceives you the same way as you perceive that one blog you hate (only in your case, it's the other way around) because to be fair the differences are not that huge... Obviously you're the opposite, but in terms of behaviour and perception as a whole, the vibes are there. I'm sorry if any of this has offended you, you're free to ignore it, keep feeding your anons and move on. I know it feels like an attack and that you losing one or two of your followers that you don't even know isn't gonna affect you at all, that's not the meaning behind this. I say this because I genuinely care as I know how toxic these apparently harmless environments can be to your own mental health. You are so much better and clever than that. Anyway, I wish the best for you, maybe I'll be able to follow you again some day. Good luck and please take care 💕

You know what. You’re right. Obviously you can unfollow me no matter what that’s your choice but I’m going to be honest, I am really tired.

I kind of have begun to dread looking at my inbox in the morning because of all the negativity and while I agree with a lot of it, it gets so repetitive. I have been trying to practice not answering the worst ones because my god are they bad and I’ve been doing a good job at just deleting them but there’s so many. I honestly just don’t want to not answer people, so many people have told me this is safe space for them and when they’re venting to me I feel like I have a responsibility to reply and have them feel heard, and I have thought about how it must feel to follow me and have to deal with all these asks.

It’s also really hard to get out of. Like every time something happens I get 20, 50, even 100+ asks about it and I feel like I have to respond. And that’s not even including the insane amount of troll asks I get, it’s exhausting. And I don’t wanna sound ungrateful, people have been so nice to me and appreciative. But for the past week or two, I’ve been wanting to just turn my inbox off because of how bad the troll asks have gotten and how I dread seeing more complaints first thing when I wake up but I’d feel so guilty taking the space away from people.

I feel the need to apologize but I don’t really know what for, the negativity I guess. I do not like what my blog has become to be honest. I think I’m gonna take the day and think about some stuff. Thank you for sending this in such a respectful, constructive way.

[thelonesomequeen]

I don’t know if anybody else has had this issue, but I think you may have been shadow banned. I follow you but couldn’t find your blog, I tried searching for it and it wouldn’t come up. I thought I had been blocked 😳 but then I googled searched the blog and it appeared and then I clicked the link to open in the app and eventually got back here. Just thought I’d let you know !

We were aware, but thank you for letting us know and looking out. We appreciate that. Two weeks ago we changed the search settings on the blog so it would be harder to get to our page after other blogs were publicly calling for our harassment. Some still are. We’ve been getting a crazy amount of harassment towards our page. That escalated into something much further and bigger this past week but we aren’t going to go into much more detail about what happened right now. It’s been hard trying to deal with the harassment so we tried to do something to block it but we were unsuccessful. What’s been harder is watching people who know what happened to us last week say things like we deserved it or we deserve the constant harassment. Our efforts didn’t really work, so we’ve since reversed that search feature since it doesn’t seem to matter and people are going to get to our page anyway. We just didn’t realize it would make it harder for our followers to get here. Sorry about that!

For everyone else out there, if you’ve stuck with us because you like coming here, thank you for sticking with us. We appreciate you! We also appreciate everyone who has helped us out lately or let us know when something didn’t seem right. Thank you for looking out! 💜 For those hell bent on harassing us or spreading lies about us, if you don’t like our page or what we have to say, you don’t need to come here. It’s truly that simple. This fandom toxicity or blog wars (or whatever you want to call it) has ramped up to an exponentially high point and it just needs to stop. It’s enough already. This fandom used to be a lot of fun and it’s constantly so dramatic these days, even when nothing is going on. And so much of that drama is purely fan driven. A note for everyone to keep in mind, please try to remember that behind every blog is a human being. A real person with feelings and emotions. It’s easy to see everyone as non-human when we’re all behind anon or mod names, but we’re all real people. We have lives. We have feelings. It’s long past time people stop being so awful to each other.

Also, this is not towards you specifically anon. We’re just in a weird mood and position and this seemed like the right place to say it all. I apologize for the weird rambling when you were just sending in an ask with a heads up.

[demonsfate]

munday topics ! // accepting // @electricea asked . . . 6, 7 and 8

6. excessive ooc

Honestly... for the MOOOST part, I don't care about "excessive ooc". even though I tend to worry that I post too much ooc LOL. yes, ppl can have "personal blogs" to post ooc stuff to but like. I just understand that behind the muses, there is a real person with real feelings who might wanna share lil details of their lives. Especially when they have more followers on their rp blogs who are more likely to listen & respond than their personal blog does.

There are a couple scenarios where I will draw the line. That being if there is just no in character content. Like they've been logging on every day for weeks just to make several ooc posts and nothing more. Then I may unfollow just because, at that point, I question if I'll ever be able to actually write with them because they're not giving any ic stuff lol. Or when like they just SPAM the dash with reblogs that have NOTHING to do with their muses. I'm not saying musings or aesthetics posts - because those still pertain to the muse. I'm saying when they reblog stuff from other fandoms that have zilch to do with their blog. For example, it'd be like if I were to start reblogging lots of Death Note, lots of Supernatural, and lots of Bluey despite the fact that my blog is Tekken lol. Now that I find annoying bc I'm wondering really WHY can't you use a personal for that? Of course, ppl are always free to do what they want with their blogs - but that's one thing I don't get.

7. DNIs in rules

I'm like what you were saying, I will follow them if it's somebody I know I'm not gonna end up writing with anyone due to different fandoms or having never followed each other. Or if like, they have concrete proof that this person is to be avoided. But liiiiike... when ppl just drop a username in a DNI and has no other available information... I just can't help but wonder if that person did anything or if it was a personal spat between the two muns. Especially because I've been a personal "victim" of ppl telling their mutuals to not interact with me, that I should just delete, and saying just horrible untrue garbage about me. All because I wrote with sb they didn't like. (Though they were also infamous about pretending to be somebody's friend, then dropping them and suddenly acting like they're the Worst Person Ever with no actual evidence)

I understand if muns wanna set boundaries even if they simply don't like the other person, or they had a personal drift or whatever. But like... I'm gonna be honest, there are def ppl in the RPC that I don't care to see on my dashboard. But I don't think I'll ever have a DNI. I just use X-Kit, X-Kit Rewritten, and the Tumblr block feature to avoid them. Which yes, sometimes they might still "slip through" but like... if I just see them once in a blue moon, it's not gonna matter much to me. And this even applied to those who bullied me as I mentioned above.

So yeah, I do try to follow DNIs if it's one of my mutual, but I do often question the validity (sorry but with the past, I can't help but to) and well... I also have to apologize if I end up writing with sb in a "DNI" because I swear it feels like more and more ppl are having DNI lists now and it's like... when you're following nearly 200 people, it's probs hard to remember who's in a DNI and who's not, y'know? But like I also said, usually those in DNI lists tend to be in different fandoms than I am, anyway.

8. reblog karma

I don't follow it. I mean, of course, I'll always reblog posts from the source & send people in one (WHEN it's applicable. Obvs I'm not gonna send a smut / ship meme to somebody who my muse has no relation with) But like... people rarely follow reblog karma so I just see little point in enforcing it lol. Like even IF somebody does reblog from the source, you can always tell they reblogged it from you without sending you one. And honestly? I don't get wtf people even do that for when it comes to munday asks or headcanon asks. Like why? There is literally zero excuse for it. Shy? Send it through anon. It doesn't fit your character? It doesn't have to because it's just asking my character / or the mun a question. Like literally. That shit actually annoys me but again. What can you do? I'm not gonna demand ppl ... but I still never understand it.

And I understand some ppl say it clogs up the activity if it's reblogged straight from them. But honestly... I've just never had that problem before lmao. Like I've had personal blogs reblog memes I've made and those memes can get up to 20+ notes, and it still never bothers me. (Especially when a lotta times in Modern Tumblr Age, notifs for a single post tends to become one block)

I could actually complain more about this but uhhhh. I think I'll leave it at that. djfndjsf