#anyway i am less able to articulate my thoughts on the discussion of comparative humanity. but i sure am thinking them

[wishlikes]

Hello everybody, I'm back with more incoherent OPM thoughts. Enjoy. Or suffer. idk

You killed a man

Technically, you killed a lot of people

But those people died just because you stood too close. You didn't know you were killing them until someone told you, and then you just... didn't step away.

Isn't this what you wanted?

When you were a child, you championed the monsters in the stories

'Why do the heroes always win?' you asked. 'It's not fair'

Nobody ever understood why you asked

Years later, you called yourself the Hero Hunter, and pledged to kill heroes

You fought an awful lot of heroes. As many as you could find

You never did kill any of them

According to anyone else, you put yourself on the monsters' side

You fought the monsters, too

You saved people on purpose. You saved people without meaning to

What are you fighting for?

You've always been a monster

You've always been the one it's okay to hurt

You wanted to be Absolute Evil, so that humanity will come together...

so no one can ever hurt you again

...and the only one standing in your way was...

You killed a man

That hero, Blast, said you were being controlled by God. You believed your actions to be of your own will

Was it easier because he was a cyborg?

In that moment, it wasn't even because he was a hero, though maybe that helped

You tore out a glowing metal core instead of a bleeding human heart

When you regretted everything else, did you regret this?

Except...

You didn't kill anybody at all

You don't remember it. On some level, it never happened

The only person you ever killed with your own two hands is the only person who remembers what you did. What you would have done.

[tothedarkdarkseas]

Hi, I just want to say that I adore your characterizations and your interpretation on the 2Doc dynamic — it’s refreshing to say the least, lol. Idk, I’m a sucker for bleak, unhealthy relationships. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been asked this, but I was wondering how do you address the criticisms of 2Doc as a ship, or problematic ships/characters in general? As someone who is involved in a few ships that some would deem as ‘problematic’, I find it difficult to fully articulate my stance on shipping as a concept. Of course I don’t think shipping is synonymous with believing the characters could realistically be in a healthy, productive relationship, but I still find it hard to address the (often valid) criticisms of the ships I like without fear of it verging on romanticization of an abusive or toxic relationship. Anyway, love your stuff and hope you’re doing well! ❤️

Thank you so much for your incredibly kind message! That means so much to me, thank you. And you’re not alone, I too am a sucker for bleakness! This got a bit long so it’ll be behind a cut!

This is an interesting question, and one that I fear has an unsatisfying answer. When I think back on the ships I’ve had strong feelings for, there are a few I’d call uncontroversial, but most often I am interested in human drama; it isn’t so much an obsession over the story being “dark,” but the complexity and conflict that comes from two people having problems, which they may or may not overcome. And there arises the issue: there’s a marked difference between a relationship being problematic, and being problematic. 2Doc is, in fairness, both, and I just try to steer it toward the former.

To be frank with you, the fandom has been fractured for a very long time, and I’ve always felt a bit alienated from both the glorifying of abuse, and from the “wholesome” excuses that arose counter to it. (I don’t try to position myself as an authority or very universal on this, so I apologize in advance, and hope other fans understand that we’re coming from similar places and simply have different paths there.) I think if you look through 2Doc discussions of the past few years, you’ll see a lot of the same talking points about how it was problematic but they’ve since healed, or that it is a narrative of growth and forgiveness, or a similar approach of acknowledging toxic history but refuting that their content is at all toxic. I completely understand why this is the popular argument, but it isn’t the one that resonates with me. They’re not wrong for saying it-- this is fandom, therefore authors are crafting their own narrative, that’s sort of the point of doing this, but-- do I think my narrative is about forgiveness? Not really, no. Do I think it is fair, then, to categorize it with the abuse porn which delights in removing Stu’s autonomy? No, I don’t agree that’s fair either.

I respect those who like to create and consume happier stories, but speaking purely for myself, I think you run a risk when you choose to present an unhealthy relationship as “fixed,” or navigate around valid criticism by saying they’re all better now, or worse, arguing it down. Despite good intentions, it minimizes the longterm damage that a power imbalance like this does, it disregards the responsibility of one or both parties to actually live with consequences for their actions even if those consequences are only interpersonal, and most frustrating and damning to me, it denies Stuart the right to be angry, vindictive, or hurt in a way that does not flatter the romantic tragedy of trauma. I do know that this is harsh, though. I understand that isn’t the intention, and I know it comes from a place of loving the idea of this kind-hearted martyr figure-- but idealizing forgiveness no matter the toll is not a healthy mindset and I don’t see it as fair to Stuart. I do think that in the real world people understand the dangers of guilting victims with this mindset, but this is fiction, and it’s nice to dream up a story of tilling the dead flowers from the soil and tending to it, nourishing it, and growing something beautiful from it. I completely get that, and I don’t fault people for it. It just isn’t what I’m writing for, and so this conversation never really satisfies me.

For me, I find it best not to circle around or try to disprove these points, but rather to meet them. Yes, we agree it is not an aspirational relationship or one the characters should wisely pursue. I think a critical fan reading my stories and attacking the relationship’s portrayal as unhealthy would be kind of a moot point, because I’m not presenting it as anything else-- but it is my hope that the characters are compelling and not merely an edgy, ghoulish spectacle. There are moments in my Sad Nonsequential Extended Universe where they banter playfully and where they share an intimacy that is (to their chagrin) romantic in its singularity, but at no point is the relationship whole, at no point is Murdoc apologetic in a way that Stuart is obligated to forgive. Speaking only for myself, that is the joy of writing, and that is what I come back to these characters for. I feel fulfilled by the unfulfillment, and I feel it is entirely possible to tell a story about cruelty and remorse without chaining either character to a leaden ball of either redemption or sainthood. And-- and this is the big and-- I think it’s possible to do this without reveling in trauma either.

There is a difference between appreciating human folly, codependence, and resentment as ever-present cracks in a foundation, and glorifying, romanticizing, or fetishizing a character’s lack of agency or suffering. It has been hurtful, at times, to feel there is no distinction made between bleakness in service of a story and abuse simply for its own sake.

It doesn’t thrill me to read Stuart as powerless against Murdoc, a pretty and broken thing too weak to escape, and it doesn’t thrill me to read Stuart as utterly benevolent to Murdoc, existing only as a bridge Murdoc may walk across to get to the next stage of his own story. I don’t think Murdoc wants Stuart to be that, either. I don’t think they could ever be wrapped up in each other for so long if he thought so little of him. And truth be told, I can acknowledge that this is now my narrative running away with me, this is something I’m choosing for them based on a characterization and history that doesn’t really exist, and for that reason I can’t fault anyone for finding the argument less than compelling. I can also acknowledge that this sounds a bit grand for a bunch of oneshots about bad sex and substance abuse, so, er, I’m sorry for that too.

Here’s where the unsatisfying bit comes in, about writing and discussing flawed characters without excusing or admiring their faults: I just think it’s something you know. If you ask a baker to tell you when you’ll know the dough is the right consistency, they may suggest you compare it to the softest part of your thigh, but they’ll amend that they don’t really think in those terms: they just know it when they see it. The best I can offer is that I find candor to be essential in conversation, and I think it’s a good idea to worry less about disagreeing than effectively communicating your interest in weighty storytelling. I think being able to take a step back from the impulse of defensiveness, knowing that you are a respectful and empathetic person, knowing that you have these concerns about romanticization and about invalidating fair concerns, is the absolute best thing you can do. Talking is not about winning! I hope this response was helpful at all! Thank you for your question!

[firebirdsdaughter]

We really ignoring Horobi murdering Izu who not trying to kill him and the fact while he didn’t started this cycle. He sure as hell doing himself no favors by murdering Izu who Artuo closet ally and act all surprised when Artuo hate him. Not acknowledging he the cause for this malice in Artuo. Should Artuo still try to get though to him even though he murder Izu who got no back up compare to Jin who died before and can very well be bought back again?

…

Uh.

Can I just ask… Why are you on my blog? It’s not like I’ve been subtle about my love for Horobi. And you must be on my blog bc I’m pretty sure I haven’t put any of those thoughts in the main tag, and have been carefully tagging them as complaining/negativity/opinions/salt.

1) I’m not saying Horobi was ‘right,’ I’m saying he isn’t in a sane place right now and this wasn’t a ‘cold blooded murder,’ esp bc I’m pretty sure he understands that he regrets it now. He’s been trained for more than ten years to respond to things w/ extremity and violence, as evidenced by the Ark having him repeatedly take out or try to take out things/people that were making him feel in any way—what happened w/ Midori, why he was driven to attack Jin in 41. From Horobi’s extremely damaged and fucked up perspective, he just wanted to make the pain and confusion go away. He didn’t try to hunt out Izu, she approached him, and knowingly endangered herself. Which is why I’m also calling the fact that we’ve seen Izu move faster than a car, she could have dodged the shot and didn’t, so it’s ineffective as drama bc it was easily preventable. I’m calling bs on the writing.

2) Horobi’s definitely not surprised that Aruto hates him? He might be surprised that Aruto went full Ark (I am, too, that feels out of character, I would’ve expected him to just go regular berserk on his own). I’m not saying it’s wrong for Aruto to be mad. Like I just said, I would have expected him to go berserk on his own, which might have ended up leading to Jin’s death anyway. Like… Where did you get that. Actually don’t answer that. Aruto getting angry and going after Horobi would have been one thing, though the way he went Ark is weird to me. What bugs me is the way it’s being treated/reacted to as a ‘black and white’ situation when it should be more grey. Horobi is mentally unwell, and there were multiple factors at work/responsible for the situation. This isn’t just ‘Horobi is a bad person it’s all his fault.’ This is also ‘contrived drama by the writers who are hoping we forgot Izu can break land-speed records.’

2.5) I’m not expecting Aruto to reach out to him at this point. Hell, I’m not even saying ‘forgive’ him, even though I think by this point Horobi has figured out he regrets it. What should really happen is someone else intervenes and keeps them away from each other until both are more stable. Really, someone should have stepped in to control that on both ends. Aruto shouldn’t have been left alone. Neither of them should have. I do think more effort should have gone into reaching out to him before it happened. If they hadn’t been alone in there/if someone w/ a little more ‘emotional/mental experience’ had been present, things might’ve gone differently.

3) Izu still not having a back up is ridiculous, literally everyone knows Aruto is Zero-One, this feels like just terrible planning/lack lustre writing imo, and on top of that, Horobi didn’t know she had no backup. Still doesn’t make his reaction ‘okay,’ bc violence is never the answer, but he’s shown before he believes in bringing AI back through backups, so it may not even have occurred to him that she wouldn’t have one. Additionally, we don’t know Jin has a back up. We can’t say he ‘can very well be brought back again’ bc we don’t actually know that. We don’t know if ZAIA kept that data, Williamson just said they ‘repaired’ him. And that’s also it, even if it exists, ZAIA has it. Not Horobi. Also… This is KR, they could figure out some MacGyver to bring Izu back, even if it’s not clear now, though that’s more of a meta thing. Actually, what I would love to happen is Horobi helps bring her back, maybe as part of therapy.

Look, disagreeing is fine. That’s why I’ve been trying to keep my negative reactions out of the main tag. I’m not trying to get into fights, I’m just venting. I’m analysing what I see and interpret. It’s not that Horobi was ‘right’ it’s that he’s mentally and emotionally unstable rn bc of what happened to him, he should not be expected to know how to react calmly to things, esp if under pressure and in an intense situation. I also literally just wrote a post about how I don’t think it’s fair to blame Izu entirely, either. I comment about blaming the humans (esp Yua and Fuwa (whom I love dearly), but they did escalate the situation and then leave Aruto alone there, wtf did they leave him alone???) bc if they’d listened to Izu at the start we’d likely not be in this mess, or if they’d actually tried to reach out to him before, things could have gone differently.

This is my point of view. If this is upsetting to you, which it seems to be from the tone of this Ask, I recommend blocking my blog, bc these are my feelings on this, and I’m not going to change. I’d block you so that you wouldn’t have to see my posts, but then you wouldn’t be able to see this answer, which I hope explains some of my position, so I’ll leave it for now. Besides, in the end, it’s just a tv show, and it doesn’t actually matter, for all I can get very emotional about things, esp bc Horobi as a character became very important to me.

I hope at least some of that was coherent. I have a hard time articulating my thoughts (part of why I repeat myself so much), and I have been extremely exhausted for the past few days bc my sleep schedule is messed up, so it’s even worse.

I’m not apologising for having an opinion and an interpretation of a piece of media, and I never will. That’s not something I should be required to apologise for. I’m not hurting anyone, bc, again, it’s just a tv show. I’m just in my corner, rambling. I don’t mean any of it as an attack against people who disagree, everyone interpret things differently. For instance, I have things in media that I dislike so much it makes me feel physically ill to think about them, but I just filter them out and it’s fine. I’m even on friendly terms (I hope?) w/ people who like some of those things that make me feel sick, but it’s fine, bc we just don’t discuss them. I know people I disagree about things w/, less viscerally, and have actually had discussions w/ them about that stuff.

Having differing opinions is one thing, but I don’t appreciate the aggressive tone here. I’m saying this partially bc I do understand getting very fired up about something, even if it’s fictional (*looks pointedly at my own blog*), so I’m assuming you just feel very strongly on the subject, but please be aware of how your words might come across—bc the another part of the reason I’m saying this is that I know if I had been in a slightly different mood when I saw this, it might have greatly upset me to unwell levels. I hope it was not your intention to attack me on anything, and that this is just something you feel passionate about, but as someone who often struggles w/ tone and knows it… Please consider it. It can be harmful.

[2slowgoers]

back, 2 years later

dear W,

wow, what a spontaneous decision and day that we decided to come back to this tumblr. i had basically given up before because i didn’t remember the log in information, but realized it was surprisingly easy to figure it all out once i did some digging. it just required me to do some digging, and i managed to do it at my desk this morning at work, lol! anyways, as mentioned earlier, i’ll spend this post writing about some reflections of the past two years, but first i’d like to start with my thoughts from today and what i want to share with you.

i originally wanted to go to ymca after work, i usually cycle on wednesday nights (like this would have only been the 3rd wednesday since i joined the ymca in september). i remember a few weeks ago we had this very very very old black man as a sub teacher, he must have been in his 80s. i could barely understand him because his voice was very hoarse and not clear, cuz he was old, but boy were his legs FIT and boy, could he CYCLE. but i had to poop way too bad today by 6pm because jetlag, and i had 1 cup of coffee (to combat jetlag), so I decided to walk home. the walk home was very meditative. i listened to some korean ballads. i love walking lake merritt as my commute, i actually recognize the dogs and humans now! and notice the many birds in the dirty water and the sky is so pretty. there are a lot of runners. and a lot of dogs, the dogs make my day. i love observing the similarities of the dogs with their owners.

work has been relaxing so far because i have learned not to take it too seriously. i appreciate my coworkers because many of them are like me, and are chill and good human beings. though there are the few narcissistic people, ugh. but i like taking the slow pace i do at work and still perform pretty well, and be a team member people appreciate having around. i shadowed an in person interview today of this white guy who went to uchicago and he had a patagonia vest and was bad at verbal communication. it was a bad interview, i feel bad for him, because he seems so smart. i realized i wanted to like him so bad, but just couldn’t? then i remembered how hard it is to interview and how stressful it was. i can’t believe we are now at a point in our careers where we are interviewing others haha.

okay, that’s enough tangents.

reading our posts from 2 years ago was very “awwwww, my heart”. it sounded like we both had our anxieties. you were getting impatient at home and frustrated with family, i sounded like i had a HORRIBLE time at my internship ha and was so anxious about jobs. i’m so happy to see the progress we have made since then. a lot has changed, but a lot also hasn’t. my dreams/bucket list goals from back then have not changed :) and i still haven’t gotten my permit yet, but I have my DMV written test scheduled for THIS SATURDAY!! Yay! we have hit some of our goals, like the fact that you’re currently enrolled in painting class! anyways, i think it is quite funny that my goals have not changed much. blogging is still a #1 goal of mine. and though i’ve been quiet about it in general, i have been thinking and planning and strategizing a LOT. and i have some things in the plans, that i am not quite ready to reveal to the world yet. in the past i revealed things too quick and that made me struggle, so this time i am going to prepare behind the scenes a bit before sharing. i will let you know once i feel a bit more confident/comfortable.

speaking of, i have been studying a lot of the people i follow on social media and their ages and see that people get comfortable and confident in their creations the older they get, like late twenties. ive been finding that pretty reassuring and inspiring, knowing that we will settle into ourselves the older we get. tbh i feel like the 3 years after college is like freshman year for adulthood all over again, and afterwards, we go through the same kind of development as we did in college, and slowly mature and know ourselves better. having turned 25, i just hope that this year will be that for me. i mean the fact that i started this year off already with a broken friendship with T has already helped me better realize what i want in my life anyway.

i know it’s easy for me to look back and feel like i’m still a failure. but i try to remember that each of the past years, full of struggles and challenges as they were, there was also a lot of growth. i appreciate you being there for me all this time. it’s also interesting how time seems to both slow down and speed up, speed up as in time passes faster but less change occurs. i notice that in my older roommates that 1 year is not a lot of time and waiting for things to happen in 1-2 years is not a lot compared to 1-2 years at this point in our lives, so much change can happen. i am hoping for my 25th year to be one where i can finally speak up about myself, my thoughts, openly to the public and not feel like i have to repress any part of myself. which i have been doing for so long. slowly, but surely. 23 was a year of intense transitions, 24 was a year of more minor but lots of transitions, but i ultimately got to where i wanted to be. so that is reassuring.

(jetlag is hitting me, so apologies if my writing is incoherent)

as for future plans, and as i mentioned over text, the trip has helped me realize how much i missed learning and being in a school environment and just having readings and getting to discuss with classmates. and you know, be in this space where people care about the same things and talk about it? that’s what i really enjoyed about the decolonization panel in berlin, it was a space for people to talk, think, and just discuss for the sake of discussing. not a common opportunity for people of color in general. we could let our imaginations and questions wander and share a space. which is why i was bothered when my thoughts on the panel were dismissed and none of the actual discussion was appreciated or properly evaluated. i miss those spaces. i also envy S’s life sometimes, because he gets to work for a mission and cause that all his coworkers share and there is this camaraderie in researching global infectious diseases. it’s just a beautiful thing to observe and something i want to have for at least a couple of years. besides grad school, i want to spend my gap year traveling asia in more depth. and ideally over land, without much flying. there is so much i want to see and learn and document. i want to finally be able to spend some time on my interests like more environmental/naturey things (volunteering) or trekking & camping in mountains...etc and studying resources and how resources are used in the world. i have so many questions and so many curiosities.

sometimes i get overwhelmed by all my nichey interests and struggle to articulate them, then i start getting worried how i will be able to fit all my nichey interests into my life and balance it all. i guess the only way to know is to start doing these things and see where it goes. and i am working on it! i swear! it’s all just happening silently or i am not promoting what i’m doing very much, because a lot of it is so personal. S and I had a brief tough talk about this topic - he wanted to see me take more action and when i said i was, he didn’t really believe me because i never talk about it, and i told him i intentionally don’t talk about some of the things i think about or are working on because they are just so personal. i hope i can relax more in time with sharing the work i am putting into myself and trying to create.

anyhoo, i’m very happy we are getting back into writing and sharing with each other (not like we don’t already do it). i know this post was a lot of “I” and focused on myself. please do know that i don’t expect you to write in response to the things i write. i would love to see a post written by you, also centered on you :)