#anyway i always feel like an impostor when talking about myself.

[m1d-45]

Literally a lurker on your blog since ur early days but too shy to slide into ur ask box, hiii!!! I keep seeing cryo anon and teddy anon's brainrots and asks,,,, and like, regarding post impostor AU hehe

imagine after the hunt when your fave character/vessel begs you for forgiveness the most, practically turning their voice hoarse from their pleas to share just a bit of your mercy....

(you never showed your face to them, even when they were your most favored. how selfish of them, wanting more than they could ever deserve. but they can't help it. if you wanted them to die a thousand times over to repent, they would. just please, look at them again.)

post imposter au always tickles an itch in my brain I've never known existed. angry creator? boiling hot rage creator for their acolytes killing them when they've shown nothing but love and kindness for this world?? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP LORD

I wanna see guilt. And I mean GUILT. it's probably cause I'm petty asf and if I would be killed over and over and over again only for them to realize I'm not the fake I would literally lock myself up in whatever tower they built for me and never talk again. Creator's trust? Shattered, irreparable. Followers? Wallowing in the despair.

Thank u and goodbye heh. If it's not too much, can I be called Marcotte anon? Hehe fontaine reference hhhh,, anyways have a good day ily and ur fics <3

post-hunt can be incredibly good, entirely agree

the love you felt for the world is so strong already, and it only grows as you finally get to teyvat. being here, feeling the elemental energy, feeling the world greet you as you return after your rest.. what hate is more powerful than a love turned rotten?

you hid behind your veil, uncertain if you’re protecting yourself or them. it hurts to see their eyes tearing up as they plead, but what else are you to do? your hands shake when they draw close, and you can’t erase your own memory.

(you’d know. you asked nahida about it, but she’d only shaken her head. all she could do was clear the memories of teyvat, but not yours. it hurt, but was probably for the best.)

(despite it being a failure, that day was the calmest you’d felt in weeks. she was easy to talk to, and made lovely tea. perhaps you should visit again, if only to take a break from… everything.)

your solitude is comfortable, most of the time. a few of the hunters are a bit too comfortable with their sin, and are the ones tasked with bringing you food and other necessities. it’s not much better, though, since you can still see the guilt sinking in their eyes.

it’s a lose-lose all around. you want to see them, you want to see the world, but every leaf and branch is stained with the memories of the past, what used to be your favorite retreat now something else to hide from.

part of you is angry. furious at how easily they were tricked. it’s hard to stay mad at those you love, though, so you end up sitting in your window and watching the wind blow safely behind glass. your tea is from inazuma, this time, the faint edge of bitterness keeping you from sinking too far into much of anything.

leaves dance in the breeze. you won’t be seen again until they’ve long turned brown.

[elizmanderson]

queerness in The Remarkable Retirement of Edna Fisher

book description

when you’re an old woman armed with nothing but gumption and knitting needles, stopping a sorcerer from wiping out an entire dragon-fighting organization is a tall order. no one understands why 83-year-old Edna Fisher is the Chosen One, destined to save the Knights from a dragon-riding sorcerer bent on their destruction. after all, Edna has never handled a magical weapon, faced down a dragon, or cast a spell. and everyone knows the Council of Wizards always chooses a teenager—like the vengeful girl ready to snatch Edna’s destiny from under her nose.

still, Edna leaps at the chance to leave the nursing home. with a son long dead in the Knights’ service, she’s determined to save dragon-fighters like him & ensure other mothers don’t suffer the same loss she did. but as Edna learns about the abuse in the ranks & the sorcerer’s history, she questions if it’s really the sorcerer that needs stopping—or the Knights she’s trying to save.

find it here

okay let's talk about queerness in this book

did a thread on twitter in which I said "cishet" five hundred thousand times so will probably get banned lmao but anyway I wanted to share it here too

especially since it's late in Pride Month and I have yet to post anything anywhere about it BEING Pride Month and me being queer and my books being queer, bc I've been burnt out af. so what energy I've had has gone toward planning and writing

anyway

I say "queerness in" rather than "queer characters in" because I want to talk about queerness in the book more broadly, not least bc I'm a queer creator & this is a queer book, but I've had a lot of impostor syndrome about both those things.

I figured out I was queer later in life & am a woman-presenting person w/a male-presenting partner. I've questioned my gender & sexuality repeatedly & ID'd differently over time, which is why I like "queer." I don't have to re-explain myself a dozen times. I'm queer. that's that.

but having figured out my queerness later, and having a relationship that presents as cishet, it took a long time for me to overcome feelings of ~not being queer enough~ (and sometimes I still struggle with them).

similarly, my MC is an apparently* cishet woman, unlike the MCs of many books that appear on queer book lists at this time of year. just like I took a long time to start really engaging with my community bc I worried I wasn't ~queer enough,~ for a long time, I didn't call this a queer book bc I worried it wasn't ~queer enough~. if people asked if the book was queer, I'd reply with a laundry list of explicitly queer characters rather than saying yes

fuck that though lmao. this is a queer book. let me count the ways

1. found family

as found family is so important to many queer people - by connecting us to our community, by welcoming us when bio family casts us off - found family is central to REMARKABLE RETIREMENT. while there are queer romantic arcs, the found family is the most important relationship in the book.

2. queer labels

some characters get explicit labels. Benjamin is gay. Clem is ace. queer labels are important bc they give us the ability to describe our identities and experiences! however...

3. undefined queerness

while labels are important, queerness isn't about fitting into new boxes. it's about smashing the boxes apart.

even if characters don't have specific labels applied on-page, they're queer. they don't need to claim a specific label for that to be true.*

*caveat that some media avoids using labels to pander to queer audiences w/implied queerness without ~alienating~ cishets by stating "this character is Not Cishet"**

that's not what I mean

I mean e.g. in OFMD queerness is inherent even if WORDS like queer/ace/etc aren't used. OMitB is another example (specifically Mabel) and Good Omens is yet another.

**caveat to my caveat that some media is queer-coded & avoids queer labels rather than being explicitly queer because network execs or whoever won't allow explicit queerness.

this is not the fault of the creators. sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference.

but anyway.

in REMARKABLE RETIREMENT, several queer characters are queer without using specific labels.

in some cases this is bc it doesn't come up or isn't important to them to express in the moment. like Clem is bi, but she's not worried about being bi. she's worried about being ace, because she's still kind of questioning that about herself, and she's worried it might cause problems down the road if her crush is >:[ about her not wanting to have sex. so she uses the word "ace" to describe herself in this scene but not "bi," even though she's both.

in other cases it's bc they don't have the language. Kiernan's sense of attraction and desire is described in a way that seems graysexual or demisexual (or both), and Red's sense of desire is described in a way that seems ace-spec, but neither of them use those terms, because neither of them know those terms. despite the lack of terminology, many ace readers have identified multiple ace characters based on description or experience. the lack of a specific label doesn't make those characters less queer.

similarly, some characters have not yet had this realization about themselves. which leads us to...

4. questioning

okay, back to my first asterisk of the post.

Edna is by all appearances an old cishet woman.

for most of the story, that's how she seems. that's what SHE thinks, even. she's a cishet old grandma adopting every queer young person she can find.

BUT THEN

Clem explains aceness to her

and Edna has a brief crisis bc wait a minute this sounds like her??

ultimately, Edna has too much to worry about right now to spend time questioning whether, at the age of 83, she might be somewhere on the ace spectrum

so it doesn't come up again

but that moment of crisis is THERE, & that too is queer

5. queernormativity*

I write queernorm worlds, largely bc I viscerally hate coming out lmao

it doesn't mean everyone's a queer scholar

like Clem has to explain "ace" to Edna, bc Edna thinks blankly of a deck of cards & doesn't understand what that has to do with sex

but it DOES mean queer folks get to just be and do

*caveat that this is not remotely to imply that a story is less queer if its world ISN'T queernorm

it's just a way in which MY story is queer

6. all the queer characters

not gonna do a list (even though my original idea for Pride Month when I was young and optimistic and thought I'd have energy to do it way back when was a list of queer characters), but virtually every character in this book is queer in one way or another

on twitter this is where I ended because 6 seemed like a good number for Pride since June is the sixth month, but tumblr gets a bonus

7. the author is queer

happy pride, buy my queer book

[realmeganamram]

NEPO BABY

Hey, guys! There’s been a lot of discussion going on lately and I just wanted to clear the air. I totally understand that people think I got my job because of my dad, but I definitely would have still been the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ even if my dad wasn’t God. Everyone says I would have been the Son of God even if I weren’t the son of God.

Just because my dad is famous, it doesn’t mean I don’t have merits of my own. I am a very good listener, and nice, and I have a bag that has seven million fish in it. I’m pretty embarrassed by D-d—I don’t even really like telling people my last name. When people find out that my last name is Of Nazareth, it just shuts down any conversation. How do they know it’s the same Of Nazareth? What if my dad was, like, Bill Of Nazareth, just, like, a guy with a truck and a snake? Not everyone in my family is famous. What about my mom? She’s a prude and a nobody! Her last name, Mary, isn’t well known at all! Her last name is Mary and her first name is Virgin.

You have no idea—it actually really sucks to have a famous parent. No one believes that I healed those lepers on my own. But now we’ll never know if I could have cured leprosy without the leg up my dad gave me, which is that I am magic and have the gorgeous hair of a horse you hope breeds with all the other horses. Sure, I got all this myrrh as a kid, but that myrrh lasts you only so long. And then you have to work for your own myrrh. And I worked for every inch of myrrh I ever got. Every cubic centimetre of myrrh. Every cup of it. What is myrrh?

I toiled really hard to get where I am. I went to four years of carpenter school. And, no, I don’t have student loans, because, yes, my dad invented wood, but it was still hard. I have hammered my thumbs so many times. One time, I even drove a nail all the way through my hand. It hurt so bad, and I was, like, I hope that never happens again, but then it did! I totally acknowledge my privilege, but let’s not act like other people don’t have privilege, too. I can turn water into wine, but my buddy Eric can turn water into piss. Why aren’t people obsessed with Eric’s dad?

I started from the bottom—I was born and immediately put in a manger. You’d imagine that soft hay would be in there, but no. Do you know what was in there? Four scorpions. Worse than a normal bed. I don’t even technically have my own birthday! I share it with Santa, which is antisemitic.

I’m a really good sport about things. Every time I walk into a Catholic church, there’s a good chance I’ll see myself on the Cross, being crucified. Obsessed with me much? And everyone is obsessed with drinking my blood and eating my body. It makes me feel faint. We have to talk about something else before I fall off this horse. And, before you comment about my having a fancy horse, just know that a lot of people’s dads make them horses for their sixteenth birthday.

I don’t want anyone to feel too sorry for me, but the nepo-baby thing makes me really insecure. People are just so ready to tear you down and say, “You don’t even deserve to have a really popular book about you.” I struggled with impostor syndrome for so long, but then I was able to cure it, because I can cure any disease, because I am magic, because of my dad.

All I can hope for is that, by keeping my head down and just doing the work, my legacy will finally be separate from D-d’s. At the end of my career as the Lamb of God, no one is going to think about my dad. They’ll just be, like, That’s some guy who is a really hard worker and always has, like, a hundred loaves of bread with him for some reason.

Ultimately, it boils down to talent. And I will rest easy knowing that the haters are just jealous. But I will love them anyway. Because I am the most humble person of all time.

[twilightmalachite]

Christmas Live - Line to Line 4

Author: Akira

Characters: Chiaki, Kanata, Tetora, Midori

Translator: 310mc

JP Proofer: Mika Enstars

EN Proofer: ryuseipuka

"Huh? Where’d this come from…? I’m Ryusei Black, aren’t I?"

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Winter

Location: Park’s Live Stage

Tetora: Here you go, Midori-kun; the green-colored outfit’s for you…♪

Midori: Uuu, so I’m also gonna participate in the end…? I’m not a fan of the green-colored Santa-san costume, since it kinda makes him seem like he’s an impostor…?

Kanata: how [colorful]~ it looks like a [coral reef]. mine will be~ blue…♪

Midori: Ah—Shinkai-senpai, you were sleeping this whole time, but you’re awake now, huh…?

Are you doing alright, health-wise…? If you’re not feeling it, how about we go home together…?

Kanata: ufufu. i do not want to be the only one [left out]~ let’s work hard at this job… okay, midori? ♪

the five of us together are ryuseitai, you know…♪

Kanata: chiaki~ chiaki will be [red] as always, right? here you go~...♪

Chiaki: … …

Kanata: what is wrong, chiaki? you do not seem energetic…?

did you catch my [cold]...?

Chiaki: Ah, no… Nagumo, would you like to wear the outfit for Red this time?

Tetora: Huh? Where’d this come from…? I’m Ryusei Black, aren’t I?

There’s a black Santa outfit here, so I’ll be wearing this one, yeah~?

Chiaki: No, it’s just that I thought it’d be a good opportunity for you. After all, you seem to admire Kiryu—...admire Akatsuki. Plus, you’d much prefer the color red over black, right?

And yet, you’ve constantly had a color that barely satisfies your wishes pushed onto you. I’m sorry, I also had my reasons why I couldn’t just give up Red, but…

I’ve had you bear with it all this time, and I apologize for that.

Tetora: Mm~... Well, yeah, I couldn’t stand a single bit of it at first. Every time I put on the black outfit, I felt so pathetic and frustrated with myself.

But the black spots on the sun are where the temperature is lower. And that’s what I am.

I’m still inexperienced, and I was lacking in lots of different areas. That’s why I couldn’t get into Akatsuki—That’s all there is to it.

So that one day I can burst into red flames… I’m currently getting a share of everyone’s coal and heat.

I’m still a greenhorn who can’t yet reach Taichou’s level, let alone Taisho’s.

And when the day comes that I wear the red outfit… I don’t want it to be just ‘cuz “the opportunity for it has come”; I wanna wear it once I personally feel satisfied and ready for it.

So, is it alright if we put this talk off ‘til next year?

I’ll be sure to grow strong by the day you graduate and leave, Taichou.

As for Santa-san, he always comes dressed in the color red.

And Red, the leading actor… is definitely you, Taichou. I appreciate how you feel, but I’m just not capable enough yet.

Right now, Ryusei Black suits me just right. I’ll gladly wear this outfit.

So you don’t have to be considerate over stuff that nobody asked for, y’know~? It doesn’t suit you at all to be like that, anyway.

Chiaki: Ah, I see… You’ve really grown, Nagumo. May I hug you?

Tetora: No, I don’t want it. What’s with you today? You’re kinda acting gross. You sure you didn’t catch a cold?

Chiaki: Ah, no, sorry… Thank you, Nagumo—For growing up to be so big and strong.[1]

Aaalrighty then, I’ll wear the red outfit with much gratitude!

I’ll sing with all my might today, as Santa-san! For the sake of bringing dreams to all the kids out there! Fuhahaha…! ☆

Kanata: … …♪

Midori: Shinkai-senpai, your face is red… If you’re still not feeling well, please make sure to rest, okay…?

Kanata: no, i am [alright]. i feel [nice] and [warm] somehow~...♪

o holy night… the stars are brightly shining… twinkle, twinkle~♪[2]

[ ☆ ]

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Chiaki says something similar to Tetora a year later, in Motor Show, Epilogue 3.

He’s singing the lyrics from kiyoshi kono yoru, also known as Silent Night.

[cripplemetal]

Hi! I have a question. I'm a 20 year old woman with fibromyalgia since I was 16, chronic migraines, and hypermobile joints where I roll things and pull muscles, but I've never dislocated anything. I know this might have a long rambling answer (which I love) but I have a couple questions.

1. How do I get better about not complaining about my pain? It's really difficult for me because I'm surrounded by able bodied family and friends, except for my mom who also has fibromyalgia. She's just really good at not saying anything.

2. How do I deal with imposter syndrome or whatever? I constantly feel different, because some days I can just go and it's great and I don't really feel bad the next day. But other times, I can barely walk up the stairs or go to work. Like, I hate that I can function, but not consistently. And every time I have a not great day or a flare up, I feel really bad for asking for help. My friends and family love me and always help, I just feel bad about it.

3. Lastly, do you have any good answers to the question "if you had a chance to have your pain taken away, would you?" because I wouldn't and people are always shocked and I can't explain it.

Thank you so much for answering these and I hope you have a good day!

omg! hi! i'm sorry this will be a long post...

1.

and why would you want to stop complaining? do you actually want that? you have every right to complain and if it bothers anyone it's not your problem. not sure why you feel like you need to shut up about your pain, pain is HELLISH torturing.

and for myself i noticed that i can endure it better if i grunt and whine and complain. i'm sorry if it's not the answer you hoped to receive but i mean... that's my genuine answer-

2.

sameee + sending hugs + did you try gaslighting yourself into abled? :D

like, if you struggle with impostor syndrome which means your mind tries to tell you that you're faking it — if that's true, you should be pretty much able to convince yourself that you're healthy! it doesn't work??? oh i guess you're not abled.........

but seriously, it takes a lot of time, i still struggle. but like. you know. why would an able-bodied person live like this? who would ever choose to talk about pain, visit doctors, use mobility aids, spend days in bed doing nothing and dying from boredom, if they're perfectly healthy?

and having a good friend to be your abled reference (one of my last posts here lol) helps so much. she's here to verify that my experience is FAR from abled.

and if we're trying to take a different approach: what if i'm abled. i'm abled, totally healthy, and sooo bored that i like using mobility aids, lie about my pain and etc etc etc. who suffers from this? no one! who's hurt? no one! you're allowed to do ANYTHING that helps you or just simply brings you joy. of course you're disabled, but while your mind still fights the impostor syndrome — it's okay to think that you're just living you life how you want, because you're allowed. it's okay. you hurt no one.

3.

honestly i might be not the better person for this question because i would... i hate being in pain 24/7 with no pauses at all.

i certainly did witness other people explaining their choice so you can browse and search! i saw something like "disability made me who i am with my unique experience" (NOT A QUOTE, just trying to remember anything). anyway, there's a lot of people like you that you can address with this!

but sometimes, just sometimes, i'm okay with how i am. it's when i enjoy life in some ways, when pain isn't a crucial factor, when my body allows me to experience so many things and be happy, so if it does it even through pain — i'm grateful for this.

———————————

tbh i'm not sure i was the best help here, but i'm always open to asks and dms so. you're not alone!

[wherethesunbeamsend]

It's been a long time since I've come out (as bi) to anyone. Then earlier this month it came up and in order to enter a discussion of queerness with a self-named queer person I felt like it needed to be said. This brings the total of my social circle who know my sexual identity to like a grand total of 6, and my impostor syndrome brain is already nagging at me saying of those six probably all but two of them do not believe me or do not remember and I will need to come out to them again at some point. This is all resurfacing for me this week in a big way, and now I feel this urge to explore and re-identify and be visibly bi/queer. But I've always let myself be the closeted ally, the person trying to make a het relationship work and just ignoring that part of me that needs to be accepted and seen.

I've been in denial about the definitive moment -when I knew I was not straight and never would be- ever since it happened. It was one of two relationships with bi partners, both extremely unhealthy and damaging so I need to heal from that. Basically by putting myself out there as bi and then coming to that person in confidence to share that experience with them, I got used and sexually abused as a result. But nevertheless, they were revealing to me, what I want and don't want, who I am safe with or not safe with. And those two aren't in my life anymore anyway.

I'm in a position right now where I'm safe... as long as I don't need anything. As long as the bi part of me lives in my past or my fantasies only. But the moment my bi attraction and bi panic kicks in, or if I need to express queerness or seek it out, not to mention the intense longing for sex experiences that my marriage doesn't produce, all of this with me never revoking in my commitment... if I need something and have to express that need or position to anyone, I am on high alert. Even to my own partner. I'm back where I do not feel safe being me, expressing my doubts and struggles, basically living in the bi experience. I'm trying to navigate it and I get sad that some part of it is tainted. But dammit it doesn't have to be sad, me having feels doesn't mean i want to abandon my values or be noncommittal... some part of it is just real me, complicated, experimental, radical me. So I need to look outside of my current home life to find that safety to talk about it and just let it be what it is.

[ambiguousdisorderken]

Okay re ur post abt feeling guilty and specifically not being the cishet daughter they think u are…I’m also latino and at this point my identity is transmasc bi/kind of gay but I’m not out. Even though my mom probably knows/ thinks I’m not straight I don’t think she expects me to not be cis despite loads of evidence from my childhood and now. I’ve been struggling eith not seeing myself as the “emotional support daughter” for my mom/family and it makes me hesitate to move out even tho it’s actually happening in a few months for school. I also like, straight up can not imagine coming out as trans like it terrifies me even tho it’s getting to the point where my dysphoria is starting to cause issues and the ways I want to transition are not things I can really hide. Even more so I cannot imagine my extended latino family knowing my gender identity. I want to go no contact because of this fear even tho nothing really warrants that….anyway sorry for a whole story in ur ask u don’t have to answer I just thought maybe You’d want to know u aren’t alone esp with regard to being seen as an hija and shit

thank you for sharing that, i truly appreciate it. i think my family suspects sometimes, but they don't say anything because i'm well past my teenage years and i didn't give any obvious 'signs' (granted i was an anxious and depressed mess due to body issues that wouldn't really be qualified as dysphoria but did make a number on my gender), so there's a sense of "safety" for them. it's also difficult because i'm not a social person, i barely go out, have little to no close friends, very scarce romantic experiences, no irl people to talk about sexuality&gender with, and i basically just hang out with my family (cats included). if i sound lame, it's because i am.

i'm still very much in the questioning stage, figuring stuff out, so my brain goes, it's not for sure yet, why even think of telling them, but it's such a big part of who i am and influences my every interest, so keeping it to myself i feel is sorta washing out my personality. and the hija thing makes me uncomfy. atm i think im nb, and i'm okayish with female pronouns (it's more difficult to go gender neutral in spanish and inclusive language gets mocked at where I'm from so i try to avoid constructing phrases that include pronouns or gendered adjectives - tough shit), but being specifically referred to as a woman/girl/daughter feels.. wrong. off. ehhh. hm, no. at least im the younger sibling who was the 'son they didn't have', since i would always be helping out my dad when i was little. it's such an alien concept to them that i bet it's never crossed their minds, or the sexuality thing.

my plan is moving to a country where queer rights are actually a thing (home country, please level up) and coming out to my fam at the last minute lol. that way we'll be far away, they can process it at their own pace, i get some peace, and if things go badly at least we won't be geographically forced to interact. i have to wait a couple years for that though, and get lucky as fuck because, yeah, higher education abroad. hello. crying in financial limitations.

anyway. i trust our plans will work out<3

[rushipedia]

hellu!! ((spoilers for the new event if you haven’t done it!)) I’ve had this idea for like an albedo x reader where it involves his impostor from the new event & i was wondering if you’d be interested in writing something that involved his impostor 👀👀? ITS SO VAGUE SORRY HAHA BUTJFJKGLG I’d love to see what you write if you’re inspired by it 😳💖

A Lonely Encounter - Part 1. (2)

A/N: OH THIS ASK IS SO WONDERFUL I'm a little worried about the vague spoilers in the ask though so I apologize to anyone that happens upon this and doesn't know yet!! Ty for the asks anon!!!

Edit: ok I just finished writing this and it ran a little long, but it's not too lengthy. I just got a burst of inspiration.

The actual fanfic is underneath my rlly long theory ramble in case u wanna skip that part LOL i just needed to tell someone about it...Tumblr is a gr8 place for that. (Maybe I should make a separate post for it, but I'm too lazy. sorry anon.)

Pairing: Albedo x GN!reader (pre-relationship or pre-existing relationship, your choice.)

Genre: There's really no theme... mystery perhaps. Tbh its kind of wholesome. One-shot (or maybe not... will there be more? idk...)

Word Count: 1086

Warnings: MAJOR Spoilers for the recent Albedo event!!, Albedo is acting slightly possessive again (idk why i always write him that way), but tbh he just wants to protect you.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

Theories!

There are 3 Albedos I believe (not just in theory, I think there were actually 3.), 2 were creations of Rhinedottir and one was the creation of the imposter Albedo (But it wasn't actually an Albedo, it was simply a mutated plant that was used to mimic and distract him from something else.)

I believe that the 1st Albedo is the Albedo we know to be the "impostor" and the 2nd one is the Albedo that we know and that the first Albedo was somehow not what Rhinedottir wanted and she attempted to dispose of him. (Not very nice dude...) Anyway! Since Albedo calls the impostor "Master's failed specimen in the dragon's belly", I think he may be either referring to the impostor just being in Dragonspine OR that Durin was used to dispose of the first albedo. (Weird, I know...) That could've been how the impostor ended up in Dragonspine. No theorizing there, he also could've just walked LMAO.

Also, during Albedo's monologue during the end, I feel like it was definitely from our Albedo's point of view, at least up until the very end where he talks about being human and being brought into the world. Maybe it's to show Albedo's astounding amount of empathy despite being synthetic, or it's to show the original Albedo's true feelings? Not sure there. Either way, it is extremely sad.

Things were different now that the two of you were aware of it. The feeling of being watched couldn't simply be blamed on the wild animals and camouflaged creatures in the area anymore. You would be working quietly when suddenly you would share a look with him. Then his sword would be out.

He had made the choice to let his imposter live. But at what cost, he now wonders. The cost of his focus? Or his sense of safety in solitude?

You weren't all that bothered by it. Nothing remotely deadly had happened since what had gone down a few weeks ago.

"Albedo," You said to the blonde, who was currently staring blankly at the vial in his hand. He was shaken from his thoughts and focused back on the vial, which he now noticed was not the color it was supposed to be. He made a slightly disappointed expression before turning towards you.

"What is it, Y/N?" He asked, setting the vial back into the rack.

"We're out of mint," You say, rocking back and forth on your heels. "I'm going to go collect some."

So far, Albedo had refused to let you out of his sight. You hadn't been able to go looking for ingredients or get a moment to yourself for days.

"Ah, okay." He said, before retrieving his sword. "Let's go."

"Well, um... I was hoping I could go by myself." You said, avoiding making eye contact with him. His arm with which he brandished his sword sort of went limp and he kind of just looked at you like he was thinking about something.

"I have a sword too, you know." You laughed nervously, pulling out your own. The one he'd given you. The one he'd said only you could brandish. He was silent for a moment more.

His brows knitted together slightly before he nodded.

"Okay. Be careful. Shout if you need me." He said, looking into your eyes rather intensely from where he stood a few feet away, "I will hear you."

You nodded, before waving and turning away.

You weren't all too worried about being alone, given that nothing eventful had happened. But maybe that was because the two of you hadn't been apart since then. Then again, it didn't seem to have any trouble with causing problems for groups of people. You thought back to the avalanche.

You picked mint carefully, placing it into your bag. It was rather nice to be alone, even if it's just for a little while. You adore Albedo, but his presence can be smothering. Anyone's is when you're unseparated for that long. It was no fault of his for wanting to keep you safe.

You wandered from the path to collect some Starsilver you'd spotted growing from a rock. Leisurely, you collected the brittle material to bring back to Albedo. You heard a rustle a few feet away from you and flicked your eyes towards the sound. It was too quiet.

Just then, you heard heavy steps crunching in the snow behind you. You whipped around quickly, sword drawn in an instant.

It was Albedo. You glanced immediately at his neck. No diamond, this was not your Albedo. He simply stood there and stared at you, it was rather unusual.

You clutched the Starsilver in your hand and tried to open your bag to drop it in there so you could make your escape.

"Why do you carry those?" He asked, suddenly. His eyes glanced down to the ore in your hand. His face remained blank. No trace of curiosity. Just blank.

"The Starsilver...?" You asked, extremely confused. He closed his eyes momentarily and nodded. "It's for paint."

He shook his head. "I know, but they are the lackluster sort like you talked about."

His eyes seemed to dull. You glanced down at them, but you couldn't tell the difference, despite the advice of Albedo, Paimon, and the traveler last time you'd collected some.

"Well, it'll all be turned into silver paint, anyway. I'll use it if Albedo doesn't." You shrugged, strangely feeling like you could let your guard down. Your arm relaxed a bit.

He took that moment to lunge forward to grab you by your shirt collar.

"ALBED-!" You tried to yell, but he covered your mouth. You struggled.

"Teach me how to paint." He muttered, gripping your clothing tighter. You dropped your sword and lifted your leg to kick him away. He stumbled but regained his composure quickly.

You simply stared at each other. He grits his teeth in frustration and turned away, walking back in the direction he came from.

Teach him to paint? Does he want to create more creatures? You don't want to be responsible for something like that if that's what he is trying to do.

But maybe he wants the simpler aspect of it. Surely there's not much for him to do up here. He'd needed Albedo's notes to create the Whopperflower, so he's clearly not a genius at alchemy either. It's a good way to pass the time, the same reason that Paimon had wanted the traveler to learn.

You snapped your head towards the sound of quick footsteps coming towards you. Symbol-clad neck. Your Albedo. His sword was out.

You didn't know what to say when he stood there a few feet away, seeing that there was nothing wrong with you. He straightened up.

"What do you need?" He asked. He didn't mind that you weren't in trouble. He was relieved, actually.

"Nothing..? Ahh, well." You said, still dazed from the events that had just taken place. You quickly formulated a lie. You weren't protecting the impostor or anything like that, right? Just making sure Albedo wasn't worrying about you anymore.

"I picked some mint and a Whopperflower surprised me..." You laughed nervously. He seemed to relax. "I guess I'm still a little paranoid from last time, sorry."

"Don't apologize." He said, "It is merely human nature to become wary of things that have affected you in the past. Especially if those same events can occur again." He said, stepping closer to you. He wrapped his arm around your mid-section and looked towards the top of the mountain.

The wind blew cold.

"Let's go back now." He said after being silent for a few moments. "I'll cook dinner."

"Okay," You mumbled. You looked back over your shoulder as you walked beside him back to camp. You swear you could see a flash of blue eyes between the brush and snow.

rushipedia ☆ 2021

[tarysande]

I finished my AHOD reread!

And I have some thoughts. Because reading it so many years later was illuminating.

I love this story. I really do. It's been over nine years since I started it (HOW) and five and a half since I updated (SORRY). It doesn't feel like that much time has passed, honestly. And yet ... it has.

And if I stop and really think about all that time, about the person I was then and the person I am now, of course I can see the differences. I am so, so much healthier and happier now. I understand myself so much better. And I understand that understanding myself is the goal of a lifetime; there's no finish line.

I'm going to talk about that a bit, because I've learned some things I needed to learn, and I suspect maybe other folks need to hear about the things I've learned, too.

I've mentioned before that I was very depressed when I wrote AHOD. For most of it, I was living on the other side of the world in a country where I knew virtually no one. My mental health was a mess, but I hadn't yet realized I could do anything about it. Hell, I didn't have any idea just how deep a hole I was in.

AHOD was a lifeline. I loved that people cared about it enough to engage with me. I loved that people had theories and ideas they shared with me. I loved that people always looked forward to the next chapter. I loved feeling like I was a part of something, especially because my life outside the internet was so, so barren and I was so, so lonely. Hell, I loved feeling special.

(I wanted something to go right. Just once.)

Back then, I had no idea that I had ADHD and that every bit of feedback and attention was literally giving me a dose of the dopamine by brain so desperately needed. I also didn't know about rejection sensitivity or hyper-focus or all the other myriad strengths and weaknesses that go hand in hand with ADHD. The rejection sensitivity's important because I realize now that I let a few interactions with others undermine my confidence in devastating ways. A comment, after all, is just a comment, and a wrong guess or criticism or hot take doesn't mean everything is ruined and everything is garbage and how could I have subjected others to this dumpsterfire??

I do know this: I was terrified of fucking it up, letting people down, and being seen as the impostor or fraud my inner critic had convinced me I was. Because then people would hate me, right? Or worse. They'd be disappointed in me. And then I would once again be lonely and alone, online and offline, having failed to prove my worth.

The more pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to juggle all the plates, to tie up every dangling thread perfectly, to show no weakness, to admit to no flaws, the less I could do anything at all. I couldn't reread my work. I couldn't think about it. I sure as shit couldn't write. I tortured myself with my failure to finish AHOD, and I convinced myself the entire story was flawed in ways I could never fix (it really isn't!). Eventually, I couldn't play the games, I could barely engage with fandom, and I—spoiler alert—ended up all but disappearing from the fandom that meant so much to me, anyway.

Because of a future that I convinced myself was inevitable.

(This, friends, is called CATASTROPHIZING.)

I know. The irony is painful. I'm good at being honest. I'm not good at being vulnerable. And I am much better at giving advice than taking my own.

But here's the thing: When I read the story this time, I didn't feel any of that pressure. I didn't feel all of that self-imposed weight on my shoulders. I thought I am proud of this story. I stand by this story. I'm enjoying it immensely. Hell, I love this story. I really wish there was more of it!

But, most importantly, I don't hate myself because there's no more of it.

It's hard for me to explain how revelatory that is. I have barely written anything (well, barring the stuff I write for others and am paid for) in years. My inner critic (she's 100% Moira Callahan, by the way) has been grinding me into the dirt for literal years, and I have let her. I've even felt like I deserved it.

So many other aspects of my life have been fantastic, but I'm not exaggerating when I say I'd started to believe I would never write again. I was trying to get used to it. Trying to accept it. And it killed me. It wasn't something I wanted to give up; it wasn't something I was okay with letting go. I constantly suffered from a kind of phantom limb syndrome.

I've always wanted to tell stories because I've always hoped that somehow, in some way, my stories would help others—even if that help just came in the form of entertaining them when they needed entertainment. Helping people is my calling, you know? When I'm helping people, life feels good. And as much as I enjoy editing (and I do! and I'm good at it!), helping people that way doesn't feel as right as writing does. I need both in my life to be satisfied, to be truly happy.

This is what I learned while reading my old stories this time: The me of ten years ago didn't realize she was writing the stories that the me of right now needed.

And, in reading those stories, the me of right now is starting to feel like she's ready to pick up where the me of then left off. The me of ten years ago wasn't ready to write the endings, if that makes sense. She needed to become the me of right now. She needed to live and heal and thrive—not just survive. She needed the right medical diagnoses and the right meds and she really, really needed therapy. She needed to recognize that she could build a sustainable career from working with words, even if that career wasn't purely as a writer. (She is ready to get back to that dream, too, though.)

I guess the tl;dr here is that healing doesn't have a set timeline. And sometimes you don't really realize how much healing you've done until you face something that used to cause so much pain, only to realize it no longer does. Or, even better—that something new has grown where that pain was, like a new tree growing out of a shattered stump, and maybe that thing might be beautiful.

Anyway. Grace Shepard would tell me this is hope. And hope? It's pretty great.

[1mechanicalalligator]

I've been fighting a bit of impostor syndrome ever since my autism diagnosis. I decided to go through some of my old journals and look for signs of autism... you guys, within reading just two months worth of entries when I was 14, I found all of this:

"I hate change"

"no one understands me"/"I wish my friends could understand me"

"my friends are all going out dancing and I just want to go to the library"

"am I horrible to everyone in my life without realizing it?"

"this person is wearing perfume and it's giving me a headache"

"I think I might have ocd"

obsession with books/specific songs

"everyone says I talk about this person too much and I didn't realize I was doing it"

"I just want more time alone by myself"

worrying about how I talk and act around my friends

"it feels like my friends are always mad at me"

"i am so confused by friends"

"it's like all my friends are in these little groups and I'm not in any of them"

friend told me I need to go to "girl school" to learn how to be a normal person

"I wonder if everyone is as mixed up in the head as I am, or if it's just a me thing? because no one else I'm friends with has cried at school because they were so confused, or been off in dreamland all the time, constantly turning to their journal to confide in the way I do..."

...anyway, it turned out to be a helpful exercise, lmao

[mewberii]

Streamer!Scaramouche AU

i feel like he’d be one of the biggest streamers on his platform- probably one of those that everyone has heard of even if they’re not into watching livestreams and all

but between those who do know who he is, they either love him or hate him. no in-between

it’s kind of understandable because his attitude is not suited/can be handled by anyone

he’s brutally honest even when his opinion may be seen as rude (to him he’s just saying the truth so he doesn’t mind if people get offended)

of course he doesn’t try to be rude on purpose but i mean it as in he’ll say what he thinks

imagine he’s playing a game and he doesn’t like a certain mechanic, or he isn’t enjoying the story;

he won’t say the game is bad but he’ll openly say he doesn’t like it/it’s not for him. it makes him seem strict but tbh he’s not that hard to please and even when he complains about one or two things he still enjoys the game

he usually gives every game a chance even when from what he’s seen it doesn’t sound like a game he’ll like. if he turns out to be right he just won’t play it again and if he’s wrong he’s a little too prideful to admit he spoke a little too fast but in the end he will admit the game is good or he’s having fun

probably the kind that just knows so much about all games and all the creators and all the game-making engines and is up to date with every single news of everything video-game + streaming-related,,, how does he do it, i don’t know,,,,

and also since he’s so popular he probably gets packages from game developers with limited edition stuff or merch from different games soooo often

and he placed the ones from his favorite games in his setup room and it looks INCREDIBLE he has so much stuff

he did a room tour stream once talking about all he has, where he got everything, from his monitor to every complement of his computer and like,,,,, the cost of his setup,,,,,,, some people already know they’ll never be able to afford that in their entire life

and he already had a great setup before he even became big as a streamer so people can already guess he’s fairly rich 

also i feel like he would have started his career as a streamer without using a facecam and even like that, he already managed to get very popular because of his professional commentary of game dynamics/playability + you can tell that he’s passionate about this and also he’s very funny without even trying??

he says some stuff so casually that he doesn’t realise how funny it is

probs showed his face after he hit a very important milestone

he never considered showing his face that important but he understood why people would want to see his reactions when playing games (even tho he warned them he’s not the most expressive/dramatique person in the world and they know by now) and would want to put a face to the person who entertains them so much with his streams

and when he does show his face people go absolutely cRAZY BECAUSE he is crazy good looking (if you don’t think he’s good looking i’m sorry for your eyesight. jk i’m sorry in general i just really love him)

some people who didn’t watch his streams will even check them out because of that but literally if you come for the visuals only you won’t stay for long because as i said not anyone can handle his personality

if he sees people being superficial about him too much instead of paying attention to what’s happening in the stream, he will immediately turn the subs mode on in the chat (if he didn’t have it on already)

being rude, being disrespectful/saying discriminating stuff or anything of that sort won’t be tolerated and anyone who does it will be banned instantly

without even interrupting what he was saying before he saw the comment, he’ll just type the ban to whoever said that and go on

and his mods do the exact same. they are just as strict as him

if it ever got too much of course he wouldn’t be afraid to speak up about it and tell his chat to stop that behaviour or else, as they should already know, he won’t be afraid of banning them even if they’ve been subscribed for months or years

ANYWAYS

why do i feel like he has a super organised chat— as in instead of spamming 5 emotes per comment they all send just one and it looks so tidy and perfect

literally other streamers would be jealous of how not-messy his chat is even when he has thousands and thousands and thousands of viewers all the time

also i have this idea that maybe any of his fans would have designed him as a genshin character (which would be the design of the scaramouche we know (?))

and the little pop-ups (i don’t know the name in english rIP) thingies that show up to notify when someone subscribed or donated would be lil chibi art of that design

it’d be really cool

and since i also doodled what a stream of his could look like (i’ll show it in the future when i’m done!!) i thought that way it’d be more recognisable that the streamer is scaramouche

99% of the people who have seen him irl found him too intimidating to go ask him for a picture or tell him anything

he’s not a huge fan of taking pictures anyway + is more on the introverted/reserved side but he wouldn’t mind if someone went up to him (if he’s not busy with something) to tell him something or say they enjoy his streams

i feel like in a couple occasions he would have played a game with some subscribers and he’d like to tease them speaking with his usual tone and face (in case they’re watching the stream as they talk) so they think he’s serious

“did you watch my 12 hour stream the other day?”  -scaramouche

“ah,,,, i-” -the sub

“think well of what you’re going to answer.” -scaramouche

“i-i couldn’t watch the whole thing,,,” -the sub

“ah, is that so…?” -scaramouche 

he’ll pretend to sound disappointed but at one point he just can’t help but smirk and hold in a chuckle before telling them he’s not serious

(he literally doesn’t know how the hell he survived that stream himself because he isn’t one to stream for that long)

i feel like deep inside people who know him would know he wouldn’t say such things seriously/wouldn’t be disappointed in anyone for not watching every single minute of his streams or not even all his streams

but he says all that so seriously that it’s,,, intimidating and they’re lowkey like “god but what if he’s not joking-”

he’d play games with the other streamers sometimes but i feel like most of the type he’d play more single-player games

it’d be so funny if he plays among us with others and for example one of those others it’s childe

both of them would always be suspecting of the other first/bickering, especially scaramouche

and if one game turns out they’re both the impostors… people would know right away

like, if any of them tried to defend the other, everyone else would be like “!?! what is this? scaramouche and childe defending each other? scary”

they’d vote one of them (maybe scaramouche) out because they started guessing + saying proof of how both of them could be the impostors (but the biggest proof is them not coming for each other’s throats sNKJFNGKJS)

scaramouche would have to resist the urge to S C R E A M

needless to say he doesn’t like when he has to be impostor with childe

and unfortunately for him, fate makes it happen considerably often

i feel like at least one time scaramouche would kill next to childe and then report it and literally blame childe

and childe would be like ?!?!?!?!?? WHAT- NO- (struggles bc his brain instinct is to say ‘it was you!’ but they’re both the impostors??? how-)

and then they’d eject childe,,, and then people wouldn’t suspect of scaramouche for most of the game because ? why would he- blame his partner---

well he did it with no regrets and at the end when they all found out they found it very funny (except for childe, but even he ended up laughing in the end because what a mean strategy sjkfhdsgkj)

i have this feeling that even though they bicker so much and for any strangers it’d seem like they hate each other, when scaramouche does play online games, many times it’d be with childe?

ik they aren’t supposed to get along but for the sake of it being a modern au i don’t want bad vibes between any of the characters pls-

and everyone enjoys their dynamic and those streams always get a ton of viewers sjfhdsgkj and i’m sure both their chats would be good friends (most likely one’s fans would also be a fan of the other too)

very very very rarely (because he prefers just playing and talking while playing) he’d do streams where he doesn’t play anything but just talks with the chat, watches videos that they send him, looks at the fanart they make, just talks about games,,,,

it’d be super chill and the perfect streams for people to be doing homework/work/play games/draw or do basically anything while they listen to his stream in the background

he’d also be answering some of people’s questions about him or about his favorite games, or if he’s playing this new game that came out earlier this week,,,

“will you play ‘it takes two’ with childe?” -someone in the chat

“absolutely not. i won’t play a co-op game with him”

not even 5 days later, tweet from childe saying “streaming in 30 minutes! Scaramouche and I will be playing It Takes Two on my ch---”

anyways this will be all!! (for now?) i obviously knew genshin before this but, yesterday i could finally start playing it myself! so i feel like if not now, soon i will also write headcanons of him playing genshin! i don’t take requests but if you guys have any ideas or anything you want to say about this AU, send me an ask!! i’d love to talk about this and about genshin in general!

also, i was very inspired to write this by @baeshijima​ ! so thank you very much to her for her wonderful streamer AUs and if anyone reading this hasn’t read hers already, go check them out!! they’re amazing!!

[lubdubsworld]

Change of heart (Chapter 7)

Chapter 1   Chapter 2    Chapter 3     Chapter 4     Chapter 5   Chapter 6

Summary : Times are changing. After years of being oppressed, werewolves are taking a stand against humans , demanding equal rights and fair treatment. Heading the movement is Kim Taehyung, the breathtaking heir to the Kim fortune and one of the few remaining Alpha werewolves in the country. His disdain for the human race is well known and well warranted. They killed his family after all….. He wants to change the world , to put humans in their place but when his five year old daughter takes a shine to their very human neighbor , maybe he has to start with a change of heart , first.

: Pairing : Taehyung x OC / Werewolf AU!!

Genre : Romance, Explicit Content.

Chapter 7

The incessant buzzing of his phone was what woke Taehyung up, his entire body aching something fierce. 

He groaned , spitting  what felt like damp hair out of his mouth, blinking against the shaft of sunlight pouring into the room through the slats of the large windows . His bedroom faced the river, and every morning the sun spilled right into his bed , lighting the room up . He loved waking up to warmth and sometimes it made up for the absence of a warm body next to him on the bed. 

But today, with her wrapped around him, he hated the intrusion....wanted nothing more than to burrow into the bed and stay there for the rest of the year. 

It took him a second to realize that Mirae was lying on top of him and he was still, technically inside her. He had been so completely gone the previous night that he could barely remember a thing. 

Other than the fact that he hadn’t had sex that good in his life. Ever. 

Cupping the back of her head gently and wrapping one arm around her waist, he carefully rolled over, laying her gently on the bed next to him. She whimpered when he slid out of her and he winced when a rush of fluids spilled out of her, drenching his thighs and the sheets. 

Bits of the night began to come back to him then. 

Vague memories of fucking her to within an inch of her life. 

Guilt began to coil around his insides as he pushed the hair of her face. She looked like she had been mauled by an animal. Hickeys bloomed all over her neck, her jaw and even on the fleshy curve of her cheeks. Her hair looked matted with sweat and damp and cum . He had a mental image of her then, weakly crawling away when he tried to push into her for the fifth time, and she had been too sore to take him , begging him to let her suck him off  instead  and he flinched when he remembered holding her down against the pillow and fucking her mouth.

He’d managed to keep his knot out of her mouth, but he’d also had a really fierce orgasm, and his release had pretty much ended up all over her. 

His phone was still ringing and he reached across the bed to grab it, answering the call before checking who it was.

“Taehyung...are you alright?” It’s Dr. Lee and Taehyung blinks, surprised.

“Oh..yes. Dr. Lee , is everything okay?”

“I was only calling to check up on you. My sister told me that you were taking Ms. Yoon home and it made me wonder. Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, doc. In fact better than fine. My head is surprisingly clear. I was fully prepared for this thing to last like a week but I feel normal already.”

Dr. Lee laughed. 

“Perks of  biting your actual mate and not an impostor. How is she, by the way?”

Taehyung relaxed a bit, staring at the girl in his bed. He gently stroked the hair off her face, running the back of his fingers across the smooth skin of her cheeks. 

“She’s ... fine.” He said roughly, “ Or as fine as you’d expect her to be.” He added as an afterthought, remembering that she had tried to get up from the bed for a drink of water and her legs had given out almost at once.

“And the mating mark? Did you dress it up like I told you?”

“Yes... It wasn’t that deep but you should probably drop by tomorrow and take a look at it anyway. “ An incessant beeping told him he was getting another call and he quickly apologized and hung up on the doctor  taking the other call.

“Tae, the shipment isn’t here on time. We’ve been trying to find the CI who gave us the info and the fucker seems to have run aground. Either that or Yoon’s men got to him.... “ Seokjin’s voice trembled with frustration and anger.

“Oh...fuck hyung that’s bad. Okay, what does Namjoon think? “

“Namjoon says that we should go ahead with drilling that dude we caught during the raid last week, Jaehyun or whatever. He thinks he may have some clue because he was fucking one of the bigger suppliers’ daughter.” 

Taehyung groaned.

“What about the reports from the lab? Did they test positive for any other controlled substance? I know we’ve only focused on a couple of them ...I don’t want to be blindsided by anything. “

“That scientist dude is a pain in the ass, refuses to talk to anyone but you and definitely only in person. “ Seokjin scoffed.

“That’s fine.. I’ll be there in an hour. “ Taehyung said sharply.

Seokjin made a noise of disapproval.

“What? Namjoon told me you were with your mate.... You’re going to leave her?”

Taehyung rolled his eyes at that. 

“She’s not my actual mate hyung. As in... what we have isn’t like official or anything. She agreed to it because I asked her to help me out and she knows that this isn’t anything more than a business arrangement. I didn’t even want to do it but...sometimes you do things for the greater good....” 

He moved to get up out of the bed , levering himself up to stand. He felt better than he had in weeks, his body thrumming with vitality and his mind sharp and clear. 

“She’s human right? Is she actually okay?” 

Taehyung scoffed at the implication . 

“I’m not leaving her bleeding and unconscious, if that's’ what you’re wondering. I bought a bunch of pain stuff for her.... the kind humans use.” He felt that pang of disappointment again. 

She was incredible....beautiful and kind and full of heart, yeah but the fact that she was a human was ...... It was just cruel to her. 

. He had spouted some nonsense to her about wanting to do this everyday for the rest of their life but nothing could be farther from the truth than that.   The idea of having to handle his bedmate with kid gloves made him jittery and nervous. 

She was so fucking fragile and he had struggled so hard last night, holding back, over and over again and she had still come out of it completely wrecked.

If she were a wolf, she’d be perfectly fine by now. Healed and happy and probably even up for some morning sex.

And yes the last bit made him sound like a horny bastard but come on, he was a healthy young wolf and an Alpha at that and his libido had always been on the higher side.

He shook his head as though to clear the way his thoughts were heading. It was ridiculous that he was even thinking about this. It was over. He had claimed her. She was his. His wolf was calm now. He could go about his life without having to worry about going into rut or losing his mind at the thought of another wolf near her. 

And he would not feel guilty about it. 

there was something called the greater good. In the grand scheme of things, one night of discomfort would not cost her anything. But what he was doing was going to change the world for his people. 

Seokjin’s voice filtered in through his thoughts. 

“At least tell her before you leave, Taehyung. You’re literally the kind of bastard who would do something as insensitive as leave her after you mated her and then act like you did nothing wrong. ” 

Annoyed , Taehyung hung up without replying.

Glancing at her, he moved to touch her cheeks again. She was asleep. Sound asleep by the look of it. It would be far more insensitive to wake her up. He would go and meet the guy about the lab results and get back here before she was up. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ow.” 

 I groaned , muffling my agony against the white sheets as I tried to will myself to get up. Breathe through the pain, I told myself firmly. You do not want to spend the entire day like this. You need a shower, stat. 

 “Taehyung?” I called out weakly, for what felt like the tenth time. But the eerie stillness in the room told me I was alone in the apartment.

 I fumbled with my phone, fighting the urge to call him. If he had left, there had to have been a reason , a reason important enough for him to leave and it struck me again that I had been a little hasty, agreeing to this. 

Fueled entirely by my wish to get rid of the excess amount of cum all over me., I dug both my elbows into the bed, lifting my self up to my hand and knees. The pain radiating from my spine, settling deep in my center and the harsh abrasions on my insides.....all of it was a reminder that I had definitely bitten off more than I could chew. 

The first thing I did was grab the pain killers on the table, popping three of them into my mouth and dry swallowing. It was a little past eleven in the morning and I was starving. But I had to get a shower first. 

The trip to the bathroom was an ordeal and I had to fight tears, just to stand. 

Okay. Maybe a bath was in order than. 

I fumbled with the taps, watching warm water fill the ceramic tub, sweating a bit in the humid room. I glanced at my thighs, lightly stroking the bruises and watching them bloom purple under my fingertips. 

The pain was already ebbing, the tablets doing their thing and with my head a little clearer, my thoughts felt heavy. Regret churned, curdling in my gut and I could taste heartbreak on my tongue. 

Sleeping with him had been a mistake. 

A colossal fucking mistake, I thought desperately. I was already feeling abandoned and miserable. I wanted to throw on some clothes and go find him in his office . Wanted to curl into his lap and then refuse to leave. 

But mostly I wanted to kick myself for feeling that way. 

Taehyung wasn’t ..... available for any kind of relationship.

 He was an Alpha werewolf and important man. 

An important bureaucrat. Someone with power and responsibility. A man driven by his need to protect his kind and destroy anyone who meant him harm.  

A man who would do anything to get his way , even if it meant seducing a human he didn’t even like. 

And he had seduced me I thought , feeling unaccountably upset at myself. 

In the  vivid light of day, with my body aching so fierce and my head spinning , I could remember everything that happened the previous day with a sort of vivid clarity. And it was almost an out of body experience, like watching the whole thing happen to someone else. 

The way he had framed his words, the soothing comfort, the reassurances. That stupid fucking dance in the living room with the most cliché song in the world, it was like something straight out of a chick-lit novel. Something only a naïve, immature , desperate woman would fall for. 

What a cruel heartless bastard, I thought angrily. There was no way he didn’t know the effect of his words and actions on me. There was no way he didn’t know that he was purposely playing the part of a loving partner just to break down any defenses I may have put up. 

And like an idiot I had fallen for it. 

Staring around at the apartment and realizing he had just left me to fend for myself, without so much as a note....... After spouting all that nonsense about making sure I was comfortable. 

And I realized with a jolt that he really only meant it for the sex. All that affection, all that concern had been just for the few hours he had me in his bed. When he meant he wanted to make me feel me meant it only for when we were having sex. 

Now that he had got what he wanted , he was back to being the guy he actually was. 

A complete stranger. 

It made me  feel so incredibly foolish . 

Wetness spilled onto my foot and I realized the tub was overflowing. I closed the taps quickly before pulling the drain to lower the water level a bit. 

Climbing in, I settled back against the hard edge of the tub, letting my eyes flutter shut as the warm water soothed my sore muscles. 

“You’re up?” 

Jungkook’s voice startled me, and I nearly went under.

“Careful.” Fingers gripped my shoulder, pulling me back to stability and I gasped out, running a hand over my face to get rid of the water. 

“You... Where did you come from?” I stared at him , gripping the edges of the tub and watching him.

Jungkook looked like a breath of fresh air, hair slightly damp and clad in a white t shirt and blue jeans. He was grimacing a bit, eyebrows furrowed in evident annoyance.

“This entire room reeks.” He complained, turning on the ventilator in the corner of the bathroom. 

I groaned, settling back and just staring at him as he rummaged in the cupboard, pulling out a few bottles, a fresh wash clothe and bottle of body wash. 

My body hummed in delight at the thought of actually being cared for. 

“I’m not even kidding, is this what having a mate is like? You look like you were in a fight with a thorny hedgerow.” He commented, making his way over , but not before stripping out of his shirt and wiggling out of his jeans. 

I hummed, enjoying the view for a second as he finally settled on a small ottoman, right next to the tub. 

I gave him a sweet smile.

“Why are you here?” I whispered. He reached over to press a kiss to my forehead.

“Hyung told me to come. He got caught up with work and he feels bad about leaving you here all by yourself.” 

“Kim Taehyung....told you to come take care of me. Sounds fake but okay.” 

Jungkook laughed.

“To be fair he actually told your brother. But Yugyeom’s busy and he also doesn’t want to see you naked and so he gave me a call.” Jungkook carefully squeezed a dollop of body wash onto the cloth, before gently smoothing the soft linen against my skin. His gaze held mine as he carefully lathered up my shoulders, my collarbones and the curve of my neck. He took care not to touch the dressing on my neck, where Taehyung had bitten me. 

I smiled when one finger stretched out, tracing circles on my skin . Jungkook was too young to be subtle , and I felt a pang of guilt when I saw the very obvious look in his eye.

 Arousal looked so blatant on his handsome face, lips parted, slicked wet. Eyes heavy and intent as he gently rubbed the skin near my throat, thumb now curving around my neck , gently pressing in. 

His gaze met mine and I held it, feeling his hands move lower, fingers curling lightly on the curve of my breasts. When I felt the brush of his thumb on the hard peak of my nipple, I grabbed his wrist.

Tugging his hand away gently, I used my free hand to lightly flick his forehead.

“Behave.” I warned. 

His gaze turned pouty and he let out a breathy, “ Just wanted to make you feel good noona.” 

“You made me feel a billion times better just by showing up here today. But, I don’t want you to get mauled by Taehyung in case he’s feeling territorial again.  ”   I smiled, shaking my head. “ I’ll take it from here. Why don’t you go wait in the bedroom and I’ll call you when I’m done so you can help me out. of the tub.”

Which in itself , probably wouldn’t be necessary. The pills had done their trick and other than feeling well fucked, I didn’t particularly hurt. 

“He doesn’t deserve you.” Jungkook’s voice was petulant , eyes clearly showing how upset he was. He moved back a bit but made no other attempt to leave.

“I thought you liked him.” I chuckled lightly as he carefully arranged the body wash and the washcloths near the tub. I reached for it myself, carefully scrubbing over my skin, for now ignoring the way Jungkook kept his eyes trained on my body as I pulled my legs up to wash them. It was odd, how little his gaze affected me compared to how my body had reacted to Taehyung last night. 

With Jungkook it was...just physical. 

I liked being touched , so I enjoyed sex with Jungkook. 

With Taehyung it had been something so much more.

The very idea of Taehyung touching me, the idea of him wanting to touch me..that had been so overwhelming. 

And so sex with Taehyung had blown my mind. 

“What do you mean, like him? “ Jungkook frowned. 

“It was always Tae hyung, this and Tae hyung that...” I teased. “ You were never subtle about your little man crush on him.” 

I carefully grabbed the showerhead, wetting my hair gently. 

Jungkook scoffed.

“Of course I like him. You can’t be a wolf and not like Kim Taehyung. He’s done so much for us.” He grabbed the shampoo off the counter but before I could take it from him, he squeezed a bit of it into his palms and sank his fingers into my hair.

“Let me do this for you, noona.,” He muttered , voice deep and soothing and I couldn’t contain the moan that escaped, his fingers feeling like heaven as they carefully lathered up the damp strands, massaging my scalp till my eyes fluttered shut.

“Taehyung has things he needs to do and ...well, I agreed to this just so he could avoid any distractions.” I said gently, reaching out and lightly touching his arm.

“That doesn’t give him the right to hurt you though. “ 

I laughed despite myself.

“Why do you think he hurt me?” 

Jungkook stopped his ministrations.

“You wear your heart on your sleeve.” 

I felt my breath catch at that. This thing with Jungkook, it wasn’t exactly the sort of thing where I felt comfortable enough sharing my feelings for someone else with him. I felt awful, embarrassed and annoyed that  something I hadn’t even fully known myself was , apparently obvious to the world.  . 

Embarrassed because it would never be reciprocated. 

Annoyed because I should have nipped this thing in the bud. 

But I couldn’t talk about this now. 

“It’s not... “ I hesitated. “ It’s not going to be a problem. For me. I’m going to fix it. “  The dull throb of the bite on my neck mocked me, even as I said it. I had agreed to something momentous , something that carried a lot of consequences behind it, and I had done it on a whim. 

Taehyung with his honey dripping tongue and gentle but firm hands had made me dance to his tune so perfectly. But now that the act was over, I was definitely in danger of drowning. 

“ So, you’re just going to hang around while he does his own thing.” Jungkook frowned.

“Actually she’s free to walk out anytime she likes.”

Taehyung’s voice broke through the bathroom like a clanging cymbal and I jerked out of the tub in shock.

Jungkook startled too, eyes going wide as he scrambled to his feet. 

Taehyung looked like he had stepped right out of a magazine. 

He was wearing a perfectly pressed pinstriped white button down and teal green slacks , a slim patterned tie , in hues of green and red, perfectly knotted at the base of his throat and  he also had on a waistcoat, fitting him like a glove, setting off his broad shoulders and trim waist. 

He had his hair styled into a perfect  part, the thick silky locks arching into perfect side bangs that fell into his eyes.

Eyes that held a whole lot of fury as they took in the sight of me, naked in his tub while an almost naked Jungkook had his fingers buried in my hair. 

“I thought you would still be sore from last night....but I suppose that isn’t true, if you felt the need to call for your fuck buddy so soon?” He drawled casually. 

I felt anger swell inside me.

“ Jungkook was kind enough to help me out because I couldn’t even move.” I gritted out. 

“A feat that required him to strip to his boxers?” 

“Hyung, just chill. If I fucked her you would be able to smell it. “ Jungkook snapped, moving to shrug his clothes back on. 

Taehyung ignored him , grabbing a pair of fluffy white towels from the linen closet.

He gave me a look.

“You done?” He asked shortly. 

And somehow, its the sheer disinterest in his tone, the gaze that may as well be directed at a stranger on the fucking road..... That is what really  stings.

I felt like the entire weight of every bad decision I had ever made in my life had just dropped on my head. Almost sagging from the sheer hurt permeating my entire body, I grabbed the edge of the tub and levered myself up, not even bothered that I was completely naked. 

I stepped right out of the tub, completely ignoring the way my limbs practically screamed in protest at the movement. 

I held my hand out for the towel, completely ignoring, Jungkook’s hasty, “ Fuck” or the way Taehyung’s eyes that had gone as wide as saucers. 

He held the towel out and I yanked it out of his grip, wrapping the fabric around my body. 

Taehyung let out a harsh, “ Get the fuck out of my house.” at Jungkook who quickly grabbed his jeans and stumbled out with a rushed.

“I’ll call you noona.” 

I glared at Taehyung, refusing to so much as acknowledge him as I pushed past him into the living room.

“Jungkook wait, I’m coming with you.” I called out angrily and the wolf stopped, looking surprised as he finished pulling his jeans on, fumbling with his buttons.

“Leave, Jungkook.” Taehyung snapped.

“Uh....” Jungkook stared between the two of us.

“Why the fuck are you still here?” This time Taehyung’s voice was louder, deeper, bordering on a true snarl and Jungkook recoiled.

“Fine. I’ll just get a cab then.” 

I turned to the bag with my clothes, grabbing the first thing I could get my hands on. 

Taehyung’s voice came from behind me , tired and weary.

“Please don’t leave.”

I stopped, closing my eyes and willing myself not to completely lose it.

“Please , just.... I know I shouldn’t be angry. This thing with us is ...nothing.” He said softly, which , fucking  ouch .  Having him actually say it was so much worse. 

But he wasn’t done.

  “  Its just a fucking favor you’re doing me, i know that is what it is. We don’t owe each other anything I know , but if you're gonna see Jungkook just... not in my house okay. I didn’t like him with you...in  my  house.”

I turned around to stare at him.

“What do you think I was doing with him in  your  house Taehyung? He came over to help because Yugyeom was busy. You were the one who asked him to check up on me....weren’t you?”

Taehyung ran his fingers through his hair. 

“I don’t fucking know...all I know is that my wolf smelled you and another alpha and-”

“You know you’re the only were who speaks like that...” I said angrily.

Taehyung blinked.

��Like what?”

“Like you and your wolf are two different entities. Like you can do any thing you want and then blame your damn wolf for it. And its beginning to piss me off.” 

Taehyung flinched at that.

“I’m just... I’m trying to do this in a way that our lives don’t get fucked up. I can’t... Your father....”

“I know. I know my fucking father is a scumbag and that he needs to rot in hell and I am willing to help you do it. But if only you could just.... give me a fucking break .,...” 

“I know...and I’m sorry. I just... I’m in a mess. Your father got rid of three of the dealers we could tie him to and it looks like there are other people involved in this whole thing. Other powerful men. I’m just... I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to do this without getting someone close to your father.”

I stared at him.

“Well, its not me. He hates my guts... He would never confide in me.”

“But he has a soft spot for a really close friend of mine....I believe you’ve met him....his name is Cha Eun Woo.”

I froze. 

“Taehyung....”  I groaned in disbelief. 

“I wanted to ask you if you would pretend to date Cha Eun Woo...”

I felt like my head was about to splinter in two. 

“Just long enough for me to get the info I need. Eun Woo is good at what he does and he can easily get into your father’s good graces, get him to confide in him and we could bring this entire fucking racket down...but the only way Eun woo could have access to your father would be through you.... “ 

Taehyung sounded desperate as he spoke, and I felt dangerously close to crying. 

“So it wasn’t enough that you got to fuck me? You’re just gonna pimp me out to your friends now...” I choked out.

“Fucking hell, Rae...That’s not what this is....This is for the...”

“Greater good.....yeah... I know.... I fucking heard you today morning on the fucking phone...Telling your friend how you had to suffer through a night with me for the greater good. And that's just perfectly fine....what I really don’t understand is why you had to fucking pretend like you actually gave a shit about me.... “ I  choked out , my eyes dampening against my wishes . 

Taehyung froze, eyes wide. 

Something awfully close to pity began to swim in them and I swallowed the bile rising up my throat. 

“Fine. Tell your fucking friend to come pick me up.” 

I couldn’t bring myself to even look at him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : Feedback is love.

Let me know what you guys thought. 

Taglist : @veronawrites

@ladyartemesia

@jincentvangogh

@bonyg

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

You've probably been asked this question before, but...how do you deal with self-doubt/impostor syndrome as a creator? I'm no artist, but I channel my creative energy into being a writer, and I have a ton of ideas that I want to explore in my writing, but I fear that if I don't utilize those ideas to their absolute fullest, I'd be letting down hundreds of people who like to read my work. Do you have any advice? I'd love to hear it. P.S. I love your WD!Steven comic.

OH! Ha, yes, imposter syndrome. Let’s... let’s talk about that. 

For those that don’t know, imposter syndrome is the phenomenon many creative people go through where they doubt their own abilities. Especially if a creator has gotten a lot of attention for their work, they begin to succumb to the pressure of being “good enough” to have “deserved” their audience. 

To put it simply, you feel like you’re an imposter that has somehow fooled people into believing they’re in for a ‘good’ story, and you will inevitably disappoint everyone when they figure out you’re not as ‘awesome’ or as ‘talented’ as they’ve been led to believe. 

It is self-doubt in its purest form, it is the fear of doing well and the fear of doing poorly all rolled into one bitter, stress-inducing onigiri. 

Let’s discuss self-doubt. I’m going to describe 3 things specifically to keep in mind for this. 

1) The Horizon Goalpost

You may have already read this in my other post about unrealistic goals. 

Basically this boils down to: Don’t set unrealistic goals. 

Utilizing Your Ideas To The Fullest is a wholly unrealistic goal to have, to be honest. No single idea can ever be ‘fully’ utilized because the concept will be different for everyone. Everyone will have a different idea of what the perfect, plot will look like. People literally argue about how shows ‘should’ have ended all day and all night. 

Saying ‘I need to write this story perfectly otherwise it’s garbage!’ is the same as looking at the sun on the horizon and treating it like a finish line.

We know the sun isn’t AT the horizon, and it is impossible to arrive at the horizon in the first place because it only exists as the limit of our vision... your story is like that. You do have limits on how much potential you can see. But that doesn’t mean your goal should be to catch up to it. Take it one step at a time. Many people don’t even START their story, let alone finish it. Set achievable goals. 

2) The Man Behind The Curtain

The second fallacy of self-doubt is the idea that anyone is at all competent. 

It’s false. No one knows what the fuck they’re doing - you included. That’s just how the world is.

Look, I’ll give you an example. Maybe when you were little you would go to your local grocery store and think ‘wow, everything is organized and works so well! The cashiers do their thing, the self-check-out is working... everything is running like a well-oiled machine!’ 

Then you grow up, work in retail and realize that everything except the storefront is held together with chewing gum and cello-tape. No one is ever 100% adequate, at least one person is having a mental breakdown every day, and everything is five minutes away from collapsing like a house of cards - all the while customers are none the wiser. 

This holds true for practically EVERYONE and EVERYTHING.

Sure, we may our good days where we function relatively well. But this is not a held constant and on average, most of us are struggling to maintain the illusion of Everything Is Fine while simultaneously worrying that we’re the only ones that do this. 

On average, we are all incompetent. The people that succeeded are not always better - sometimes they were just lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. For many of them, that moment happened when they were born to wealthy parents. For some, it was just about utilizing their 6 degrees of separation right. 

The truth is, there are THOUSANDS of people who COULD have been Beyonce, or JK Rowling, or whoever. The popular are not inherently more talented. They just happened to have the spotlight on them. 

3) Schrodinger’s Fanbase

The third thing to keep in mind when you write, or draw, or compose, or CREATE - is that your audience is not a set auditorium of people. 

And statistically, the beginning of your story is always going to be the point at which you have the largest number of potential fans. 

When you START your story, you only have to worry about satisfying people about the premise. You get them hooked and they’re more or less appeased - because the rest of the story is in their expectations. It’s in their head, and they will make up whatever they need to keep them happy. At that point, your story is still 90% their story (or whatever they think your story will be). 

The further you go into your story, the more you will narrow down your fanbase. People who expected it to take a different turn in chapter 2 will drop off. Then people who wanted something specific to happen in chapter 3 (but it didn’t) will also leave. 

And you know what? THAT’S FINE. That’s the normal way stories go. You cannot appease everyone at the same time - you will always have people who will be dissatisfied with the way you decided to do things. 

The important bit is - that doesn’t mean you are a worse writer. It just means that your fanbase organically shifts and expands as necessary. Your story will speak to different people at different stages. Let them enjoy it or not enjoy it. You cannot force someone to like something - but you CAN form connections to those people that do like it! 

In other words - let the fanbase exist as its own separate ecosystem, and don’t depend on it. It will morph and evolve as you write, and you and your fans will find each other and drift away as necessary. 

I also encourage other people - fans specifically - to allow consider this approach! 

I know we all love to kvetch, and yeah, it’s good sometimes to let off steam... But I don’t think hyperfocusing on something you dislike is healthy. If a story doesn’t satisfy you, don’t waste time forming an anti-fandom for it. Don’t fuel more effort and time into something that makes you unhappy. Just... go find something that you DO enjoy! Give THAT your time and attention!

Anyway, that’s just the way I think about it. Maybe it’s because I’ve been around long enough to know that pretty much every author and artist suffers from self-doubt and it’d be silly to hold myself to unrealistic standards that no one else is able to meet?

Hope that helps!

[transwaterbender]

So this is gonna be hard for me to talk about.

And I hardly feel like anyone will give a shit as usual, but whatever.

So I’ve always had ADHD since I was a small child. However, back then it was way more prominent as I would be like super mega ultra hyper and I was basically a pain in the ass for my mom to take care of lol

Growing up however I kinda forgot I had ADHD. It’s kind of like I convinced myself that I was neurotypical with some memory issues.

It wasn’t until recently that I started watching this YouTuber called HowToADHD that I started really understanding myself and my experiences.

I have always had problems with remembering things that literally were told to me literally not too long before. I always struggled with misplacing things like my glasses, my keys, my phone, my work hat, etc. Not to mention I had always been pretty messy and tried so hard to be more clean and organized and it’s still something I struggle with now because I don’t want to be perceived negatively by others.

Thanks to this YouTuber I finally understood everything that I described and more! (including my depression when I would stop being creative or my inability to stay still when feeling bored or when doing something such as talking on the phone).

Now I feel like I’m digressing here but what I’m trying to get at is that I’m finally feeling understood and heard and I’m doing everything I can to continue educating myself about my ADHD! I also however have to handle a bit of my impostor syndrome and kind of get out of the mindset that it’s okay for me to consider this my disability, even though it’s going to be REALLY hard for me to admit that because of my impostor syndrome and feeling like I don’t really deserve that label and I’m also just not used to saying that because I haven’t been for my whole life up until now.

So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m still fighting a ton of invisible battles in my head and every day I continue to discover myself more and more so don’t feel bad if you don’t have it all figured out right now as everything takes time.

And also I guess if anyone that has ADHD or impostor syndrome or struggles with any disability or anything. Just feel free to message me and maybe we can become friends as it would be nice to meet more people similar to me so we could both feel a little less alone ☺️💕

(P.S: for those of you who struggled pushing through to get here I thank you so much for reaching the end 💕)

(P.S.S: for those of you who didn’t succeed reaching the end and are probably not reading this, then I’m still grateful for you for trying anyway and I still think you’re a success whether you think so or not! ☺️)

(PSSS: I self diagnosed myself with impostor syndrome so I’m not entirely sure if I do have that tbh)

I appreciate you all thanks again for giving at least a little bit of a shit I guess 🤷‍♀️

[rackartyg]

read through my autism evaluation for the first time in years. feel real bad, predictably.

it’s like. it’s full of what my parents said about me. but it took them three years to notice i was being bullied. i had a stomach ache every single night. (i still do. phantom pains. can only sleep on my front because of it.) i’d come home from school and just burst into tears. but i was evaluated for celiac’s and lactose intolerance before, by happenstance, my dad saw the other girls at school running away from me and laughing when i tried to say hi, and realised what was actually going on.

so forgive me for not trusting their judgement overmuch.

i spent my childhood lying and lying and lying and i still do. my assumption has always been that if something is hard, it’s because i’m doing it wrong and it’s all my fault and that’s all i’ll be told if i mention it to someone else. so i just never did, because what was the point?

i lied to my parents. i lied to therapists, god, so much. mostly by omission, but still. i don't like people knowing me. it's none of their business, and they wouldn't care, anyway, and if i don't present it exactly right, they get angry, even though they asked.

i never told anyone it hurt to write and that was why my handwriting sucked, because i just figured it was supposed to and i was weak. it doesn’t mean anything that my parents never knew about it and i only started talking about it as a teenager. they know more about me now than they ever did, because i’ve made an effort to stop hiding things, because it took me that long to figure out it wasn’t supposed to be that way. and tbh they still don't know shit because i hate feeling judged.

so that makes me feel angry and condescended to. but i also feel ashamed. because i was given a test for young children at 15 years old and i knew that, so i deliberately exaggerated. i wanted the diagnosis and i’d already decided it was accurate, and the tests were so goddamned stupid.

some of it wasn’t fake. it felt like i just … turned everything off. stopped pretending to be a real person, as i’ve been putting it lately. (felt it real intensely when my grandmother called this morning. i put myself through the motions and i feel like an automaton, or an impostor.) but the bit that got them the most interested, where they stopped talking and waited for me to initiate, yeah, that took me five seconds to figure out, and it got me so mad because it was so unlike any real situation that would ever happen, so i just did what they wanted me to do: i stayed fucking silent. like. that test presumably works on a five-year-old. it doesn’t on a fifteen-year-old who, if she really “has” autism, would presumably be real good at masking.

i still feel so incredibly embarrassed about a thing that happened two years later, in high school. i was doing a group project with a couple girls from my class and we were making small talk and they were asking me about my programming class, which i really really loved. and i took it as them being actually interested in the subject matter and was halfway down the stairs to my locker to go get my laptop to show them that week’s project, before i realised that i’d been taking them too literally again and that they’d just been making small talk and doing that thing where you feign interest in someone else’s hobby, when you in reality actually don't care, to demonstrate interest in the person. i was so ashamed. i still am. i remember thinking something like, “why did you do this again? you know better!” but i’d gotten so caught up in how much i loved programming that i hadn’t thought about it.

my mother keeps telling me “don’t be so literal”. but literal doesn’t mean what i’ve always thought it meant, like literally (hah) not getting metaphors or sarcasm or jokes. i know those are not meant exactly as they’re said. i just can’t resist correcting something that’s not factually accurate, or not finding it funny because it's wrong, technically. and mostly it’s me thinking people actually mean what they say.

if you tell me, clean the kitchen, i’ll clean the kitchen because that’s what you said. how on earth was i supposed to know you just meant to tidy up and do the dishes? that’s not what you said! but “can you open the window?” is a turn of phrase and i’m not stupid. i’ll go open the window. but first i’ll have to resist cracking a joke like replying, “yes” and doing nothing, because you didn’t technically ask me to do anything. but i know what it means. it just bothers me that you’re being inexact.

god, and also, i used to be incorrigible about ending people’s sentences for them. it was boring waiting for them to find the words, when i knew them and wanted to know what their point was. took me a while to figure out you can only do that with people you know, otherwise it’s rude. and even when it's people you know, it kinda has to be a joke at your own expense. otherwise people get offended, like they think you don't want to listen to them, when really, it was the opposite.

or correcting people when they didn’t ask. it felt ruder for me to not correct someone. i'd want people to correct me if i was wrong! but you couldn't do that either, i learned. (it took me even longer to understand that most people just don't care about facts, or truth, or accuracy. words are just noises they make to express sentiments or connect to other people. they don't actually care about what they're saying, in the sense i do.)

for a while, i’d do it like it was a joke, like “oh there she goes again, being such a pedant”, so i could do it without offending anyone because i was making fun of myself, which was always okay. nowadays i’ve mostly just stopped. i've learnt to not let it bother me so much. but my family still teases me about it, years later. their daughter the language pedant. haha, look, she messed up an adjective comparation.

something else they bothered me about during the evaluation was special interests. i guess they were correct about that one? i tend to have really intense interests that i get obsessed with, but not to the point where i'm neglecting other things, and it usually only lasts a few months at most. i believe that's more adhd than autistic. but my childhood can be divided into these phases: dinosaurs (i had this purple dinosaur book with little articles on all the species that i had my parents read to me as a bedtime story, and i got so annoyed if they mispronunced any of the names, god, where's that gone? i loved that book), astronomy, greek mythology, horses.

(when i was around 5, i had this really bad period with my asthma, where i got a nasty cold and my parents had to wake me up at night because otherwise i might suffocate in my sleep. i remember one night, my dad took me outside to breathe easier and we sat on the steps outside the garage and i was wheezing pretty bad and i was so scared, and to distract me, dad pointed and said, "look, the stars are out!" and i looked up and i forgot about my shitty lungs and started pointing out constellations. it's one of the nicest memories i have.)

(also, i fucking love spreadsheets. just in general.)

it kinda fizzled out around age 13, at the same time as my first depressive episode started. after that, it's mostly been different fandoms and they've never lasted for more than a few months. but i think, if it's a special interest, low points are supposed to make them even more intense, right? and it's not like that for me.

(i'm back on greek mythology right now. i'm reading percy jackson and playing hades and listening to music inspired by myths, and making my homebrew dnd world's pantheon more like the greek one. but it's only been just under a week and it'll fizzle out once i run out of camp half-blood books, probably. which will not take long if i keep going at this pace.)

also, stimming. "repetitive movements" as they called it. none observed, it says in the evaluation, which is probably true. i have a few things i do, like feeling really wrong if i sit straight up and down and don't have some sort of pressure on my legs (i always cross them), or worrying at my hands when i'm anxious or trying to think. i kinda subtly sway in place when i'm either content or upset, too, and tilt my head. a few things like that. but nothing too obvious and i don't think i ever have. most of it is anxiety stimming, too, which everyone does to some degree, i just have an abnormal amount of anxiety. but idk.

i just. my brother got diagnosed with both autism and adhd a couple months back. i've been saying he's adhd for almost a decade at this point, so no surprises there. trying to convince him to try meds atm. but like. we're so similar. i've just always been so angry at him because i put so much effort into hiding everything that he just puts on full display because he doesn't care. but you're not supposed to do that! how dare he do that when i try so fucking hard every single day. because people hurt you when you do it wrong.

but the official people in the white doctor's coats (they weren't actually wearing coats. they were wearing mostly cardigans, i think. yes i am making this joke on purpose please laugh) said i don't have anything wrong with me, because my parents said so and i got 130 points on the iq-test. i just feel different because i'm smart. so shut up and be normal. you have no excuse. (they didn't say that either, but that's how it felt.)

like. my reasons for wanting a diagnosis were so shitty. i wanted to have a name for why i felt like a space alien. i wanted there to be a reason. i wanted a word, because i love those. i wanted there to be something wrong with me, so i had a reason.

(my oldest story, one i'm still telling, was about a different world with a dead goddess, who was reborn as me. and one day the other gods would discover where i was and come take me back to the other world, where i'd belong. they'd explain to all my bullies who i was and they'd cry and feel sorry and want to be my friend. she was an air goddess called aynysos and i've never been religious, but i prayed to the wind a lot. i wanted it to pick me up and take me away, or at least lead me in the right direction.

it changed as i got older. then i imagined the shapeshifters would come get me, the wardens of humanity and magic, and then this world would be destroyed as i watched, and in their final moments everyone would feel so sorry and be just as scared as i was, and then they would be disintegrated. and i would go to a world with magic where nobody expected me to be human, like in my books.

i tried to talk about it with my mother once, this feeling of not belonging. she said everyone felt like that. it made me angry at the time, but, y'know. she was right. my fantasies were pretty typical. still. i've been telling and re-telling that story over and over. the shapeshifters are still around in my head, still saving kids. just not me.)

maybe it is just the bullying. maybe it is just the iq. maybe my hot take/pet theory is true and neurodivergency is way more common and diverse than it's thought to be and only some expressions, or degrees of expression, are considered incorrect and so are the only ones anyone cares about. and my brain has whatever causes autism, just not in a way that presents "disordered".

i just. i've been brave every single day since i was six years old. i just want to be fixed, you know?

[princessamericachavez]

Not exactly sure if this is what you are looking for but here’s two. Either once Fjord has found Sabien, him potentially falling into some dark thoughts like in the past and Jester talks to him about it. Or Vandren talking with Fjord about moving forward with his life and Fjord revealing his feelings for Jester to his Surrogate Dad.

Why not both???

When they get out of the tavern, late at night, Fjord feels his chest heavier than it’s been in months.

He makes out a half hearted excuse and promises to catch up with the Nein in their tower in a bit, then all but runs for the door.

The cold air slaps his face and clears his thoughts for a brief moment.

He feels like a liar.

He always was one, to be fair, but it wasn’t until now, sitting with his friends and Sabien and hearing the half elf very subtly remind him of his lack of worth every chance he got, that Fjord truely felt like an impostor.

What is he even doing now, pretending to be a hero? Pretending of being worthy of his goddess’s love? Of anyone else’s?

He thought this was the right path. Find Sabien, get answers out of him, follow him to wherever he’d tracked Vandran down, finally settle whatever had happened between the three of them in the past and move on.

This doesn’t feel like going forward. On the contrary, he feels like he’s back in time.

“Fjord?”

Jester comes out and she is frowning nervously at him.

She asks if he’s alright, of course. He tries to brush it off first, but lying to her has always been an impossible task. Not because she knows him so well (which she does) but because he can’t bring himself to do it.

“You were so quiet in there,” she pushes. “Like you were scared of them.”

“I’m not. I’m just- I felt like myself again in there. Not... this,” he gestures at his paladin armor, “just me, a half-orc orphan with nothing in the world. I just- I don’t know. I guess I wasn’t ready to let go of the past yet.”

She looks sad. He wonders how she would feel if she knew the future he hoped for. Would she be relieved to know he’s too much of a coward to move forward?

“Of course you felt like that, Fjord. It’s who you are,” she says and it feels like a sword piercing through him again, but Jester’s words don’t seem to be intended to hurt. “It’s just not all of it, you know? You are also so much more, and you have done so much more, and you have so many people that love you... they can’t take that away from you.”

“Except Sabian did already take a life from me. What’s to stop him from doing it this time?”

“Me,” Jester nods firmly. “Us. We won’t let him.”

The thought is heart warming and, despite his doubts, he can’t help but smile.

“Jester, I- I don’t know how to do this, how to stop feeling like the man I was before.”

“Then don’t,” she shrugs. “There’s nothing wrong with him, no matter what the world told you. I like him. He is the one I met first, remember? He’s the part of you that managed to survive something very shitty so you could become the version you are today... like a caterpillar before it’s a butterfly.”

“I- I- I’m a butterfly?” He blinks, arching his eyebrows.

“A very beautiful one.”

He laughs at that, heartily. The idea is equal parts ridiculous and heartwarming. Of course Jester would say it.

“But just because you’re a very handsome and powerful and cool butterfly right now, don’t be mean to the por caterpillar Fjord that you were before, okay? Because he was my friend, too, and I love him.”

“Y-you-“

“I mean, yeah. Like- like we are- you know like I love the Nein and stuff and my mom and Kiri and my dad-“

“R-right.”

Jester’s face is nearly purple but it’s hard to focus on that while his own feels on fire.

“Anyway,” she squeaks. “I guess that’s all. I’m gonna go see if they have any honey they can spare in the kitchen.”

“Want more for your morning pancakes in the tower?”

“I’m gonna pour it into Sabian’s socks.”

Before he can react to that information, she sends him a wink and skips cheerfully back inside. Fjord let’s put a laugh, and the way it shakes him manages to erase the last remanants of worry.

Until Vandran shows up behind him like a fucking ghost and hums thoughtfully to himself.

The noise is enough to make Fjord straighten his back and choke back any sound.

“Haven’t seen anyone able to make ya smile like that, boy,” he grumbles, lighting up his tobacco. “Remember what I told ya about blue skies and sunshine.”

Fjord sighs, nodding. “Only an idiot when let them go because he’s too busy fearing a storm.”

“Storm’s coming, son. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take the good while it’s here.”