#anyway guess whose in japan for a year

[hoaxghost]

Cute commission for @swissy !!

[aihoshiino]

Ichigo once saying something like "don't think about meeting up with the father" to Ai when Ai moved the last new house, it felt so casual and nonchalant that it made me wonder if Ai ever told those thoughts aloud to either of them, even as a joke or something like that…the way the line was said sounded so friendly like as if Ichigo knew there was no bad blood between her and the father (which we know she doesn't anyway but Ichigo couldn't have known back then)…maybe im overthinking, i don't know how to articulate this thought...i guess the main thing is why would he mention it out of nowhere like that about an ex Ai had and even meeting said ex

Maybe it was just a comment to make Ai's monologue transition

YEAH LOL it's definitely one of those lines whose inclusion in the story is more utilitarian than anything else. I think it does read pretty naturally in context but it's definitely mostly there to more gracefully transition into Ai's monologue and to set up the dramatic irony at play.

If we're gonna make it work in a Watsonian context though, I think it's notable that Ichigo's pretty sloshed/unfiltered when he says it so it's possible that this is something he's had on his mind for a while and it's just coming out now because he's rambling - actually, thinking about it, I also wonder if he was overly aware of it not just because of the Dome concert but because of the AKB48 scandal that would've happened in-universe the same year as the Dome concert/Ai's death.

I have a longer post about this in the works but the tl;dr is that a member of AKB48 had her name dragged through tabloid mud after being caught spending the night at her boyfriend's house and the way her management handled things exploded into a massive scandal not just in Japan but worldwide, too. And based on when the OnK anime places things chronologically, this all happened January of the year that B-Komachi were due to perform at the Dome. So not only would the potential of Aqua and Ruby being discovered be basically ever present for him, but the potential of a Boyfriend Scandal for Ai specifically (and the associated fallout) would have seemed especially present and relevant.

It's also just kind of hard for me to imagine Ai talking about Hikaru to Ichigo or Miyako even in an oblique/roundabout way. Not necessarily just for emotional reasons (tho that too) but because Ichigo doesn't seem to know anything about who he is before Aqua gets him involved with his own revenge plan. I feel like if Ai had talked enough about the relationship enough for Ichigo to make informed calls like that, he would've had more to work with in narrowing down potential suspects. But also who even knows how much he was actually doing into looking into the father's identity on his 10 year long fishing trip lol

[blueikeproductions]

Welp EarthSpark is officially done in Japan via the latest Figure King magazine.

Sorta rubs the Nucleon in the Energon wound that the news of cancellation comes in a magazine celebrating 40 years of Transformers, with a cover drawn by the Kiss Players guy no less, huh?

It’s also looking more apparent EarthSpark is finito in the States too. And some staff of the show are looking to blame fans for being the b-word and the p-word. Look fella, those words lost meaning just as much as “woke” did, just take your lumps like the rest of us and admit your show didn’t work because people simply had no interest in it. Also just terrible, TERRIBLE writing and pacing. I can forgive Rise of the TMNT’s faults due to Nick not knowing what to do with it and giving the staff unhelpful feedback that kept changing it (the Netflix movie finale was a much better look at what the show was trying to be and could’ve been, but alas), but EarthSpark I have no such compunction.

Hasbro was allegedly pretty hands off and was fine with what they were doing (at least at first) so the blame can only land on the writers who clearly misunderstood what they had. I detest modern shows that have uneven pacing, tone and characterization. It’s why I don’t look fondly on Adventure Time the moment it stopped being a goofy kids show and started being some college art student’s angsty wet dream.

Clearly something changed for EarthSpark internally, and I can’t help but think Hasbro and Paramount looked at the abysmal launch of the first batch of episodes and told the staff to drastically change the story for S2. That the trailer is a more traditional Autobots vs Decepticon conflict with them hunting for Emberstone pieces ala Transformers Animated and most importantly having evil Decepticon Terrans (something fans had stated as happening in some form from the start), shows they wanted to make this into a better boy brand thing again.

The first season overcompensates by focusing too heavily on the female cast, most of them bordering on obnoxious, while making most of the male characters into morons, again Robbie dying for contrived reasons but the Maltos instead choose to love up Mo while Robbie lays there clinging to whatever life force he has left at that moment.

Instead Robbie seems to be the primary focus, with a b-plot about him having a crush on someone. I’m guessing this is where the rumors saying Hashtag comes out as gay comes from as I suspect Hashtag remarks on Robbie’s female crush being adorable and tries to be his wingman (with probably the same results when she tried helping Jawbreaker).

I feel like the intention may have been to have Mo be the focus of S1 and Robbie for S2, but it doesn’t fully come off that way as the focus is too rambling on top of trying to focus on the Terrans and Bumblebee in an RiD15 style role again.

Also what the slag is this?

If there’s one thing I hate more it’s lazy photoshopping.

Not only do they just swap Bee and Prime’s renders around, they just crudely put the kids heads on these altered bodies from their preexisting stock art… Like no Quintessons or Terracons or nothing. Nothing to make you more legitimately excited for something new. Just the same Autobots and the kids in ReBoot Guardian Code suits, ick. It’s a bit of a downgrade compared to the Prime Apex Armor suits the toys use.

Despite the cancellation, the Japanese magazine refers to a “Slash Malt”(o). Presumably this might be a Terran version of the Dinobot Slash, whose only proper media presence has been a minor cameo in Japanese manga as the kid sister of the Dinobots and a supporting role in Rescue Bots Academy.

Frankly becoming a Terran might be the best thing for Slash, and it’s something I’m surprised toy wise wasn’t attempted anyway with characters like Lightbright, Lickity Split, Rubble, Gauge, Nightscream, and others.

So once again, what comes next? We don’t know still as of typing. Skybound is still knocking it out of the park with its Energon Universe, with the Joe portion moving on to Destro and Scarlett after having wrapped up Cobra Commander’s miniseries. Of note on Destro is the possibility MASK might be getting another go again, as what appears to be Miles Mayhem, the leader of the villainous VENOM faction, makes an appearance. The MASK and VENOM teams tend to be depicted as off shoots of Joe and Cobra in modern material, and with the pitch of the EU mentioning Energon being able to power machines, the transforming vehicles might be among the first specially designed vehicles developed to combat the Decepticons… Especially since Destro took interest in the idea of a transforming jet when he learned of Starscream.

The next cartoon is being worked on now, but we don’t know yet what it is. The easiest assumption is it’s a spin off of TFONE like how Mutant Mayhem has Tales of the TMNT, but it may be something else altogether. Barring anything TFONE does, EarthSpark was the last hold out of IDW’s post war ideas, and with Autobot Megatron mark II being viewed like this:

I think Autobot Megatron is largely done as a concept and with how merciless Skybound Megs is shown to be (though interestingly he did spare some Cobra-La guys when they told him what he wanted to know after stepping on one), I think we’re gonna be back to a traditional Megatron.

People are still not really feeling TFONE via recent upload on a TF fan convention YouTube channel, calling it terrible and cringey, so at this point I’m honestly just writing it off now (even though I’ll personally like it fine like the new Garfield Movie).

I stand by a new TF anime with a fun Mini-Con like gimmick built in the story is the way to go, because this incessant need to reject its toyetic roots is aggravating. At this stage I say let Skybound do the comics, and let Japan handle the cartoon, because clearly most people working now can’t write a decent TF cartoon without getting out of their sanctimonious way.

It’s time to Transform and Rise Up from this nonsense, and hopefully One helps with that more, but atm it’s all on Skybound until the next cartoon is ready. No pressure.

[masteraqua]

ok so that post made me want to pull out recoded, and for nostalgia's sake i went into the avatar menu to read all the avatar sector levels i collected back in the day because i remembered them being really funny (spoiler alert they're still hilarious)

but then i started wondering if...those are even common knowledge? the game is more than a decade old now and it was never very popular to begin with so it wouldn't exactly surprise me if people weren't aware of this one obscure mechanic hidden in the optional game mode

so i guess if you're not aware, recoded had a (hugely fun vastly underrated) mode called the avatar menu, whose intended purpose was to let you collect parts for your avatar by connecting with other players via tag mode (essentially streetpass). when you made a connection, you'd receive an avatar sector floor (combat level) that would be added to a library of levels you could play for fun. every level would have the avatar of the person you tagged displayed alongside it, as well as their DS profile

but what if you live literally anywhere that's not japan and finding another human being who owns the game had similar odds to winning the lottery?? what then squeenix???

well not to worry, o friendless teenager, they've got you covered! the wonderful devs in charge of the avatar menu created a whole host of predesigned avatars that could be used collect levels, complete with their own profiles full of delightful flavor text. most of these preset avatars were based on kh and ff characters (even ones that didn't appear in the series like the ff13 cast!) and they're absolutely adorable

the catch is that, in order to collect these guys, you had to use tag mode in conjunction with another Nintendo system. in my case, i connected through one of the channels on the wii, but according to the wiki, you apparently could also use picto chat on a second DS, which i did not know!

the devs probably did not intend for players to abuse this feature and spend hours downloading dozens of avatar sector levels with which to expand their avatar's closet, but by golly that's what 15 year old me did. what can i say, i like dressup games 🤷‍♀️

anyway, that's a brief overview of the secret preset avatars. i'm not sure how many of them there are total but i have about 60 of them in my collection. but i only learned about them from reading forums circa 2011 so, as previously stated, it's probably not super well known info in this day and age lol

anyway here are some of my favorite avatar profiles in my library:

"forced laugher" still kills me

you might want to talk to someone about that my dude

the tina shoutout LOL

NOOOOOOO 😭😭😭 but also nice touch with the 14 trophies

and last but not least, we stan a gnc fashion disaster!!!!

[stargazer-sims]

what was your inspiration to create your main oc? (pass the question on)

Oops… I forgot I still had Anon asks turned on. No one’s abused it this time, so I guess I’ll leave it for a while. 😉

Buckle up for this one, Anon, because it’s gonna be long and rambling 😅

Also, I will pass this question on, but not anonymously.

———

Victor & Yuri

Victor and Yuri came about as a result of a conversation I had with someone about real people in everyday life who, through pure chance, share their name with a fictional character or somebody famous, or who look strikingly similar to someone famous.

There'd been a news story in our local media about an 85-year-old man whose name happened to be Harry James Potter. The news story was not actually about the books/movies, but somehow a comment about the man's name being the same as the titular character from that series found its way into the article. My colleague and I were talking about the news story, and it led to me saying that it wasn't the first time I'd encountered that phenomenon in real life. I've met Tony Stark (his real name; I saw his passport) and multiple individuals called Mohammed Ali through my work. In my work, I've also met people legitimately called Yoda, Anakin and Charmander, and someone who honest-to-god named their child Naruto.

My colleague said they had met someone called Charlie Brown, and they'd also met someone whose family name is Disney. A neighbour of theirs, they said, looked like Keanu Reeves. I once had a dentist who looked just like Anthony Edwards (the guy who played Dr. Mark Greene on ER) and I always called him Dr. Greene, much to his confusion.

ANYWAY... Anyone who knows me, knows that character creation/ character development is one of my passions. I love creating characters who come to life in my imagination and, hopefully, through my writing as well. I could not stop thinking about that conversation with my colleague, and decided that I was going to make characters who either resembled or shared names with another character or a famous person.

At the time, I was absolutely obsessed with Yuri On Ice (okay... who am I kidding? I'm still obsessed with it). I decided to make characters who looked like Victor Nikiforov and Yuri Katsuki, and becuase it was never my intention for them to be YOI fan fiction characters, I decided that they'd only share the first names with the anime characters. From the start, I wanted them to be uniquely mine, and to have their resemblance to the "original" Yuri and Victor be a point of character development for my own original characters, rather than to be any sort of attempt at borrowing well-established characters created by someone else.

Enter Victor Nelson & Yuri Okamoto.

In the beginning of their story, Victor does make reference to the fact that his new friends in Japan have pointed out this unusual coincidence to him. He's never seen the anime and has no idea what they're talking about, really. Yuri does, but doesn't find the comparison particularly amusing. Victor says that any resemblance that he and Yuri may have to anyone else is purely coincidental.

Although their first names and and general physical appearance is not really a coincidence from the point of view of me, their creator, Victor is correct about everything else. He says that he and Yuri are both unique individuals, and I think they are. If you're at all familiar with the "original" Victor & Yuri (i.e. Nikiforov & Katsuki) then I think you'll agree the resemblance is only superficial. That was always my goal for them, and hopefully I've succeeded.

________

If you read all that, you deserve all the gold stars!

...and also gratuitous pic spam of my lovely boys

[valentinesparda]

eep omg so super duper cool to see another ai.tsf self shipper!! i love u date fans u warm my heart. please use this as an excuse to dump info about your insert lore or your feelings on the game(s) themselves especially with info you havent shared before!! donut be shy. have a great new year too!!!!!!!! :)

AAAAGH HI HELLO BOUNCING AROUND YOU LIKE A PUPPY!!!! i only know three other people who like ai !! date fans are almost always the coolest and funniest people you've ever met and know what they want in a man (wet and pathetic forever) and i respect the date fans. I'm not tooting my own horn btw I'm saying this for the people that will be reading this ask lol date fans are so silly. this is date btw for anyone who doesn't know what the fuck im rambling about

gushing about the game is basically impossible without spoiling everything because the mystery is REALLY SILLY but also really well written and laid out over time. the characters in the game are very lovable and I guess pretty realistically written, not from a realism standpoint but in how they react to any given thing in the storyline. they're varied and fun and have a lot of personality to each of them, and I would literally fucking kill for any of the main cast given the chance.

and the sequel!! the sequel is a little weak and a bit slippery and not as well put together in comparison to the first one, but it's still just as charming and you don't necessarily have to play the first game to understand what's going on - there are vague references to the lore in the first game, but it doesn't detract from the fact that this IS a new cast of characters, and i really appreciate the fact!! there's a lot going for it in terms of charm and personality, and the new characters seem to be a bit less whimsical and more grounded than in the first game (fucking looking at you tokiko shigure. holy shit)

i feel like I never do anything justice gushing about it because I will always forget something and then be like "fuck I forgor" and rush to add details so I'm just gonna leave my gushing about it at that lol

ANYWAYS!! UM. talking about my self insert under the cut :3

so. juniper is my self insert, they're from america and they moved to japan for reasons I haven't decided upon yet but they get a job at a local flower shop run by a very brash old lady whose family never come visit her and it turns out it's because she's in the middle of a yakuza turf war. the kumakura family bought out the basement space of her shop and had her under their thumb. juniper was just stupid enough to get involved in hopes to help the woman who keeps them fed, but there's no way to do that. juniper unfortunately has no choice but to cross paths with these men, but one in particular is more kind than the others, and has bought flowers from them on occasion - a specific type of iris :3c

the old woman dies shortly before the events of the first game and they've taken charge of the flower shop, and they've been meeting date upon happenstance every so often. because of the eventual discovery of the kumakura gang being affiliated with several suspects in the cyclops killings, juniper has become entangled in the case, and date actually has his reasons to suspect that jun has something to do with the case, which leads him to having to psynch with them at some point!! but they have a few other ties to the lore that could be considered heavy spoilers :)

juniper is besties with pewter!! he is their only friend for very specific reasons, and they spend time out drinking when he isn't on the job. they talk very vaguely about their crush on date and it takes pewter a whole long while to figure out that they're both talking about the other when he has to be subjected to it. he initially thinks "wow this is just like my doujins" when jun is first talking about meeting a very beautiful man at the flower shop who keeps coming around and they meet at strange times, and then it devolves into pewter going from that and happy for them to "oh you're fucking joking, THAT GUY??" when he learns it's been date the whole time

anyways. coughs. juniper has a big dumb crush on date but they go against most of his Types; i mean on top of not being a Busty Older Woman, they are a tiny nonbinary thembo and they're a bit of a punk; they've had some of their mentor's brash personality rub off on them, but they generally are fairly kind to people that come around, they just have to keep up that hard exterior to be seen as a big enough threat to the kumakura gang (moma has a bit of a crush on them but that would never come to fruition in the same way that the iris thing never did - mostly because jun is too stupid to notice that he likes them)

date likes them because of their pretty face and kind heart hidden behind their hard exterior - they're very tired of having to hold up a strong personality all the time for their safety, and simply want to make people happy with their flowers. they're sweet and a little clumsy and are kind of similar to iris and hitomi in several ways, but they're a little more um. rough around the edges and awkward i guess? not to mention their japanese still isn't completely perfect despite having lived in japan for as long as they have (over 6 years). so he finds it all endearing in a weird way but it does take a bit before he has the "ogh fuck" moment, because he's a bit superficial underneath it all

jun is suuuuper supportive of iris and is also a big fan of a-set !! they want to meet her in person at some point - and they do!! mizuki is like their adoptive daughter and eventually they do take on a parental role for her, specifically in the 6 years that date goes missing between games. ota is okay, jun and ota do not get along very well and most of that has to do with them competing for otaku of the group

umm that's about all I can wrack my brain for right now but umm thank you for sending me this ask and happy new year to you!! 💙💜💙💜

[onekisstotakewithme]

Tell me more about the plane crash WIP, pleaseee 💜

the plane crash wip!!! aka what if i merged some of my favourite things (The West Wing, Lost) and used them to tell an insane story.

The basic concept of Plane Crash WIP is that Air Force One is on its way back from a summit in Japan when it crashes on a small island in the Pacific Ocean.

Among the survivors are of course the President and First Lady, the senior staff... and multiple reporters, including Danny Concannon who may or may not have a story in his pocket that could seriously harm the Bartlet administration (did I mention this is set near the end of s4?)... if they ever get back alive.

Of course on the other end, John Hoynes finally gets a taste of what it's like to sit in the big chair and I get to redeem him actually.

Another WIP that got set aside so I could focus on President!CJ (or as it's actually called, An Idea Whose Time Has Come), but one I'm VERY eager to return to at some point.

Anyway, snippet for you:

“Are we throwing support behind Taiwan and Japan because of the Chinese stunt in the Taiwan Strait last year?” “We’re throwing support, as you so eloquently put it, behind the economic growth of Japan, as well as the economic growth and autonomy of Taiwan.” “Sure, but China’s gonna be pissed they’ve been left out.” “Yes?” “I guess what I’m asking is, is the president worried about retribution?” She holds his gaze, daring him to blink, knowing that he’s not at all thinking about China when he asks that question. “Retribution?” “From China.” “No.” “Okay.” CJ clears her throat, still feeling Danny’s gaze on her as she turns back to the cabin at large. “Carol will be handing out copies of the President’s speech from last night, and I’ll be back shortly with the updated schedule for the California stop, as well as an answer to Bill’s question. Thank you everybody.” She turns to walk out of the press cabin, past Carol who looks up as she passes. “CJ, what about Danny-?” “Later,” CJ grits out. She doesn’t want to blow him off, but she’s angry, rattled. Retribution. As if she wouldn’t know what he really meant.

[the-scrappy-stinger]

Okay I'm bored, let's check on KitKat Jesus.

Hoo boy...

Okay let's back up a little. The arc isn't juuust over yet: Bad Big Bad Boss whose name I can't be bothered to remember is forgiven! Tentatively. So it's back to work for everybody.

KitKat has decided that they key to saving (DOESN'T look it up) Goryokaku-tei is to go back to its roots as the first restaurant in the area to serve delicious high-quality curry rice. And apparently the key ingredient is... whale meat.

God damn it Japan... he says it's because Japan ate a lot of it after World War II but... aaaagh, it gets even worse, because it's not even going to be the same recipe every time!

This sounds like disaster! But it was KitKat's idea, so it's perfect, of course.

KitKat makes his way out of the restaurant and onto better pastures, marking the ACTUAL start of a new arc, which starts with-

Japan making fun of American imported meat, which comes up weirdly a lot in the manga I read, but anyway-

We head out to another restaurant! And guess what?

There's an uppity celebrity chef who thinks he's better than his customers. What a surprise. This is Makoto, and he's 20 years old, and he's smarter than everyone else, apparently. If customers complain, critique, or even just get full and don't finish their food, he bans them from his restaurant.

His restaurant, which is ANOTHER branch of Goryokaku-tei.

The ultimate evil of food is franchising, people. KitKat said it himself.

And so KitKat's on his way...

Somewhere else.

Oooh I remember this one... this one's gonna be another long-runner.

KitKat eats the food at Sleepy-Eyed Guy's place and finds... it's good! It's actually good! The guy isn't a bad chef at all! He's got skills and cares about customers! Just not the lobby.

And the reason...

He's Makoto's dad. Makoto got hired by Goryokaku and it broke his heart, so he got really into gambling and is about to close the shop to get a job at a competing place, Hakurai-tei. KitKat can't take a Goryokaku thing sitting down. Literally.

Because the next day he eats there, and then gets right up to talk shit to Makoto. Except the manager of the place gets to him first, not that he has much to say, it's mostly just padding to catch up people who are picking up the manga for the first time.

Makoto and KitKat are like "grrrr" at each other, and Makoto's dad takes the job at the competing restaurant which, surprise, is run by greedy capitalists who want to rule the culinary world of... (checks) Kobe.

Man this manga's repetitive when you binge it...

Anyway, KitKat accepts the offer to take Makoto down a few pegs- I mean teach him the true meaning of cooking or whatever, which means a Spaghetti cookoff!

Beeteedubs Napolitan has always sounded gross to me. You really do take spaghetti and toss it in ketchup and bell peppers with added, like, little hot dogs and stuff. Makoto makes a carbonara.

And wins the cook-off.

KitKat is kicked out of the kitchen and forced to work at the OTHER high-class gourmet restaurant in town, Hark- ush- the other one, which happens to be staffed with all the guys he was punching in the face at the beginning of this story arc.

Karma's a bitch, ain't it, KitKat?

Makoto's dad is watching out for him though. While they finish some grunt work together, KitKat bemoans that nobody liked his cheap ketchup and weenie spaghetti. And Makoto's dad is like "No shit, man, people's tastes change. You can't think that your opinion is the absolute right." and KitKat's like "yeah I fucked up."

Makoto's dad is a cool dude.

Too bad he fuckin' dies.

KitKat's renewed confidence allows him to take over the kitchen while Makoto's dad is down for the count. And he does so good... that the evil managers fire Makoto's dad.

SO uh... thanks for that, Kitkat.

But Makoto's dad begs for KitKat to bring his son to his senses, and to do that... they're gonna have another cooking battle! On a BOAT!

Meanwhile, while KitKat's running the kitchen, he decides that he's gonna shit all over that one burly dude who was punching him both in the middle AND the beginning of this arc. So guess what?

He gets fucking stabbed in the arm.

And then is not going to the hospital OR the police, because that would mean they forfeit the cooking contest for some reason. He is instead just gonna do it with his arm stabbed.

This guy has serious problems.

Padding padding padding 'til the showdown on the boat. Just a bunch of montages of the chefs preparing, including KitKat having to cook left-handed because his ARM GOT STABBED. THEY ON A BOAT.

With international judges! So the cook-off begin-

Both of these chefs have serious problems.

Meanwhile Makoto is... showboating.

Just throwing down here that the boat will turn right or left depending on who wins. Okay moving on, Makoto serves steak, it's very good, yes.

I swear I'm not leaving anything out but pretty manga panels.

(goes to put an example)

I'M OUT OF PICTURES!!!!

You know what? Fuckin' cliffhanger! Continued in part two!

Talley so far: 11 chapters and still not concluded!!!

[popculturebuffet]

Thomas and Friends Season 3 Review (Comissioned by Lachiev): Bees, Escaping Death and Angry Reverends

Hello all you silly little engines and welcome back to my Thomas the Tank Engine Retrospective! For those new here yes this is a thing i'm doing and while the money is good, the real reason I do it is for those delightful bits of chaos.

Season 3 of Thomas the Tank Engine was a time of great change. For starters it took 5 years.. which is what the gap between my last venture bros reviews feels like, for a number of reasons: One was that producer Britt Alcroft, whose comapny took over most of the production, was busy making shining time station, an amiecan program that aired the first two seasons segments. The program also became a huge hit in Japan, which makes it coming up in the japan set Bullet Train as Lemon's faviorite show less waht the fuck… it's still delightfly weird that's this man's fascination.. though given i'm a grown man who was paid by another grown man to talk thomas multiple times, I could relate to him. The point is if you haven't seen bullet train watch it and the show took a bit. A lot of the crew also went ot work on Tugs, a show I never heard of but is apparently the darker and edgier thomas the tank engine, to the point instead of the engines just being stupid once in a while with the only real antagonists being the trucks an disel (and Gordon but I don't think that was intentional), there's an ENTIRE TEAM OF EVIL BOATS. As you can probably guess i'll be reviewing this for Lachiev at some point, possibly next time.

At any rate, things came together though weirdly despite the large gap not a lot changed; Most of the same models are used, the towns and what not are about the same: the only big change was that the faces are noticeably more expressive, having been reworked between seasons. It's only by a bit but it's easy to see. They also move more instead of just moving between frames.. the latter is still the primary way these chimera's function, but it's neat.

Another big change is Micheal Angelis replacing Ringo Starr as the narrator judging these stupid train children.. at least in the UK. George Carlin still had his priorties in order

Angelis is a fine replacement though and while it took me an episode or two to get used to him, he's a very useful narrator.

Finally this season relied more on original stories: while they'd done one or two in the past, most of the new books had new characters, which would require more momney funneled in the company just couldn't shill out yet. As such they wrote some stories. The Rev Baldry was not a fan of them, and while normally i'd side with a creator on this part of his problem … was a lack of realisim….

Yeah… look I get it: he tries to keep things grounded despite starring sentient trains whose inner workings are best left unknown lest we go mad figuring them out. But the story he got mad over.. is about Henry being fond of some trees , sad when they get knocked over and a storma nd them being replaneted. Like… how is that remotely unrelaistic? How is it MORE unrealistic than say the fact Trains still get scrapped in this unvierse despite being sentient? What i'm saying is maybe don't expect realisim from your series when you made the trains able to talk and have horrible fleshy faces. You made your horrifying hybrid being bed Rev, and you are lying in it. Granted i'm saying all of this about a man whose long past so i'm not sure either of us is well adjusted. Anyways, join me under the cut for more Stupid Train children, a jam related accident, near euthinasia, and trees.

Seasonal Stylings:

Not much to say I hadn't up above really. THey ad one or two more trains. I will say the switch to original stories actually.. helps the series a lot. It allows for more stories on the characters, gives thomas more to do, and the singled out because god knows why Gordon's Garden is a treat. This is a well written season. Is it that much diffrent? No, it's still clearly meant for young children and not for me, and most of my enjoyment as always is the absolutely weird shit that happens ever few episodes. But it's still a solid season of tank enginery and probably the best paced yet. So there's that sooo

Episode Guide:

A Scarf for Percy:

I won't be doing an image for EVERY episode as i'm limited to 30 now by tumblr, and I have to be careful. And yes it does indeed blow. Anyways the season start strong with this utterly baffling tail: basically Percy sees humans wearing scarfs and since scarfs are dope wants to wear one. Everyone mocks him for this and apparently god's solution for Percy daring to want to be remotely human.. is to make it so a bunch of jam and the Fat Controllers pants end up on him and he gets yelled at by his dad. Honestly this is the angreist and least reasonalbe i've seen the Fat Controller since the early episodes. I was half expecting him to also brick Percy away for always and always till he learned his lesson. But he didn't, so I guess that's what passes for character development in this show. Not half bad and the scarf solution is genuinely funny, if fairly telegraphed.

Percy's Promise:

Percy promises to take the children home from Sunday school. It's a ncie character showcase as Percy doesn't let a goddamn flood stop him. He also get ssome help from Harlod, the helicopter I forgot existed, who also drops hot tea for everyone percy included. Because these things drink now?

Time for Trouble:

Gordon gets a break because he's been working too hard , code for "His conductor needs a break from the smug bastard", so James and Toby take over. But some dick dosne't get that otby is part of the line so the poor guy runs out of water. I do really like toby, partly because he's one of the few members of the main cast to have a fairly unqiue desgin that isn't just a neat paint job, so I was happy to see him

Gordon and the Famous Visitor:

A famous engine visits and is a nice person.. and since Gordon is the worst, something I hadn't forgotten in my long stupid train children break, he has to one up the guy for not having a dome and get punished for his hubris because he sucks dirty ass in thunderstorms.. if not nearly enough. Like percy got yelled at by his dad, jam in his face and public humilation. Most gordon gets his is thing flying off and some light teasing.

Donald's Duck

So Duck is given his own branchline, the little western. Duck is the one who looks kinda diffrent…. he's happy about it but Donald, the engine who speaks in an impenatrable scottish accent isn't, and has his crew drop a duck in Donald's water tank. Donald adopts it as his son and leaves and egg for Duck. So thus Donald becomes the best, a new parent and still you know, has his own line while Donald just has an accent and a twin. Game set an dmatch. I love this one both for the pun and for involving a duck..

And i'm proud of it, so any donald duck refrence, let alone one this subtle and clever, deserves a nod.

Thomas Gets Bumped:

Thomas is Jealous over Bertie but has no need to be. This one sure does exist.

Thomas, Percy and the Dragon:

Percy is a dick to thomas and get shis compuance when thomas delivers a dragon for chinese new year. Another very standard tail but the model for the dragon float is really nice and I appricate they put in the work.

Diesel Does it Again:

Diesel is back bitches! And as Lemon taught us, Disels are not to be trusted. Though the Fat Controller's hands are tied in this case, as Percy and Duck need help and he's all the Controller could get. Naturally the guy with his own cool evil theme song's response.. is to be a dick, delberatley bumping percy then manhandling his trucks. While he's able to scare Percy and Duck into silence with the great captail punishment of "being called tattletales", he fucks up publicly by bumping some china clay trucks into the ocean. This destroys the clay.. though somehow not the trucks. Which I mean i'd get for real trucks but the Trucks of Sodor are living beings. I'd ask if they coudl drown.. but then I remmebered we've had a story or two at this point of the trucks being submereged in water and being fine to be pulled out so apparently they don't need to breathe or, being steam engines, can process the water as well as air. Trust me when just about everything about these trucks biology fascinates and horrifies me it's nice to have some confromation of their limits. Anyways Diesel is sent away forever again. Sure that'll stick given he has his own movie and everything.

Henry's Forest:

Henry's back! YOu remember him right? The one who was bricked away forever and always into being a useful engine? Good times. Anyways this is the one the reverened was mad about… though apparently it was for them not signaling and being too close to trees.

Yeah once again they have sentient trains and it's a very minor thing. I get he takes this seriously and I admire that. But this is being a bhit too anal rentive. While i'm fine with a children's show taking itself seriously and trying to have some sense of logic, being mad because they forgot to write a signal into an FOUR MINUTE SHORT or note that some trees woudln't be too close (Something Britt Alcroft even backed up as having scene and apparenlty does correct next season). Not everything has to end in misery man, just let these trains be happy. You bricked the guy inside a well man, let Gordon just be near trees. Back on the actual episode though.. it's my easy favorite of the season. It's a simple story but it's one of those nice cosy children's storybook stories: Gordon who again really needed this, likes passing by the forest. A storm knocks it down and I geninely felt devistated to see the nature torn down: Sure it's a set.. but it's still disheartning and seeing the fat controller do his part to have trees shipped in to help was really sweet. IT's a realyl nice little fairy tale like story, which is why i'm so defensive of it it's a simple, heartwarming story and a rare one for henry.

The Trouble with Mud:

This next one.. may also be part of why. Gordon is just unplesant and we get a whole episode about how he refuses to take a bath. It's not a bad premise mind, I just get tired of gordon: all of these trains fuck up sure but Gordon is just such a smug prick it's hard to like him or sympathize with him compared to the others, who are more like prideful teenage idiots who you can't help but love despite their flaws. Gordon is just an old man yelling at other trains about this not being proper. He's like Sam the Eagle without any of the charm or hilarity.

No Joke For James:

James lies or something.. I honestly have very sketchy memory of this one which happens when you watch 20 episodes of this show in close to a row it happens.

Thomas Percy and the Post Train:

Once I jogged my memory for this one I found it very fun: While as usual one of the characters is a dick, in this case Harold the Helicopter who mocks percy for being late with his post due to Henry taking a while, something the fat controller understands rather than brick up both forever, but the two trains end up having to deliver it again. It's also nice to just see another side of train deliveries nad what not on sodor and i'ts some nice little world building. Trust Thomas:

Bertie is mad at the trains for not delivering his tar so the roads wont' be so bumpy and thomas proves he's great by solving the mystery while james not so much as his bullying some trucks then playing sick… because trucks can get sick apparently? do they take giant things of cold medicine? Do they need giant thermometers? I NEED TO SEE A TRAIN GETING TREATED FOR A COLD SHOW. At any rate Thomas finds the tar and gets Bertie's friendship back. It's not half bad.

Mavis:

We get another disel added to the roster this time Mavis, though Mavis unlike the OG Disel, isn't a complete asshole, simply naive and egotistical. IT's also nice to add a female train to the roster instead of just thomas' coaches. Her issue is more reorganizing and not getting why messing up Toby's coaches without telling him would cause issues.

It dosen't help that as the train eviuqlent of magneto, Disel both tries to convince her of engine's superiority and to not listen to toby, casuing a diasaster when she accidently barrles through his line, with toby only helping because he has to

Toby's Tightrope:

Mavis is at it again, though it once again comes off more as youthful inexperince: she just wants to pull trucks, which is fair enough, but her manager is understandably pissed. Also Iwho is her manager? I thought the king of all trains was The Fat Controller. Anyways she tries to get some trucks to push her but they push toby instead, which ends with him having to tip on tha ttightrope, tip on it.. well something like that. But it does get a happy ending as Mavis realizes what she's done and helps toby, and gets to do trucks ocasoinally. IT's a nice little story and i'm really disapointed we don't see mavis again after this, as it was nice to have a Disel who wasn't even because the reverend and his son hate Disel Trains for some reason. Edward, Trevor and the Really Useful Party:

The Vicar has a garden party to fund a trip to the seaside for the underprivliged children. This is mostly just a fun side story letting Trevor have a turn and is part of why despite often having nothing to say, I do really like this season: it has a LOT more variety in characters, using at least every character brought into the cast at this point once compared to previous seasons which just sorta.. introduced them then often had them vanish. Trevor is also the parties main attraction for some reason… oh who am I kidding who wouldn't want to ride trevor.

Buzz Buzz:

It's episodes like these that make this whole experince worth it. Well that and Henry getting some trees. That was nice. But "James gets stung by bees for his hubris" may rank up as one of my faviorite what the fuck thomas the tank engine plots, up there with "Henry gets bricked in forever and always" , "one of the trains crashes into someone's living room", and "one of the trains gets lathered up by a barber".

Simply, James says he's not afraid of bees when Duck kinda is, and then has to deal with his words when a beehive breaks on the track. We get a rare bit of animation… as in they'v enever done this before and it looks gloriously janky as a cartoon bee STINGS james which somehow gives him a big red nowse, meaning his grey flesh is malable enough to get swollen

The train company tries nothing and their all out of ideas, then tries actual ideas, cumilating in James the Red Nosed Engine having to drive them back home. Sometimes the simple pleasures in life are just a grown man watching bees sting a train and wondering who thought this up and how many scoops of cocaine it took. But however many was just right. It was some really useful cocaine.

All At Sea:

This one is simple enough and involves the ocean, something I dearly love so i'ts nice enough: Duck sees boats doing a regatta and wishes he could go beyond his rails but a sailor breaking his hand tells him he's.. fine on rails. I guess. The moral makes no sense and comes off like "STAY IN YOUR LANE BITCH", but the setting is fun enougha nd i'ts nice to see Harold the helicopter again.

One Good Turn:

Okay now we're having some fun as the twins, Bill and Ben get into such a spat they end up face to face and both REFUSING TO MOVE in a contest of wills and the fat controllers patience, and forces them to work together by hauling BoCo's goods.. also I GENUINELY forgot BoCo both existed and was in this one. I mean it's nice they eventually went away from Disels are bad adn they shoudl feel bad as early as him, it just speaks to how many characters there are to keep track of.

Tender Engines:

Henry wants a tender and is punished for his hubris with really old tender. This episode sayign tender a lot really makes me want to watch recess.

Escape:

Another one of the seasons standouts and one that's generally as tense as it is fucked up: Douglas, the engine with a cockney accent. While his accent annoys me, he somehow dosen't cut the tension as Douglas has to help new addition olvier escape scrapping. Yeah in this world they STILL kill engines despite sapience, which was implied with toby but has somehow esclated from "the threat of death" to "HAVING TO SMUGGLE OLIVER ACROSS LINES, FOOL A CONDUCTER AND GET HIM TO THE SAFTEY OF OUR HEROES. " His crew is obviously on board with this but like.. why woul dyou kill engines? Just put them in a museum or something. THeir living beings. At any rate the ending is happy and Duck gets a new friend, but it can't wear off the novelty. That said.. this episode was truly excellent being as I said tense, something I never thought i'd say about this series but here we are, and heartfelt and the rusted design for oliver is truly unerving. THe poor guy

Oliver Owns Up:

Oliver gets a big head after everyone promotes him you know.. escaping imminent death. THis one.. isn't the best mostly because maybe the "punished for his hubris plot" dosen't work when the person acomplished something genuinely impressive and praise worth and deserve a tad of a swell head.

Bulgy:

So it's time for one last new character, as we meet Bulgy

Bulgy is a double decker bus and also a gordon level asshole who belives all rails should be torn up, but unlike Oliver who didn't really deserve being punished for his hubris, Bulgy does as he outright STEALS duck and oliver's passengers and then gets caught in a tunnel to learn a lesson for his train racisim. Good stuff.

Heroes:

A thrilling chapter in which Billa nd Ben mess up again, but then save some trapped workmen from a rockslide.

Not not that one… althought I now want to see X-men Versus Thomas the Tank Engine. Someone… please draw that if you do you get a free review.

Percy James and the Fruitful Day:

James slams into some fruit crates and ends up looking like he played Donkey Kong 64 multiplayer.

Thomas and Percy's Christmas Adventure:

Another delightful christmas adventure to end things off: Thomas and Percy help some villagers and are rewarded with their station being decorated lovely for christmas. A top not way to end the season

While it may not be apparent as sometimes this episode guide can be a lot to get through, this was probablyt he best season yet, mixing the usual stupid train children antics up in fun ways, and letting every engine get lots of screentime. The new additions also seemed less superfluous: Mavis is a wonderful new addition with a unique personality, Oliver had one hell of an origin story and while the worst Bulgy has both a unique design and serves as a nice evil counterpart to Bertie. All in all a solid season

Next Time: Either season 4 or boats. either way i'm happy to keep doing this. While the money is good i've become a fan of these stupid train children and look forward to their continued stupidity for years to come.

[vashtijoy]

I wrote this in tags and half of it got eaten so

I'm from the UK! And my first anime will have been Gatchaman. Except it had been dubbed into English and retitled and generally 4Kidsed? I had no idea what it was; I didn't even know where Japan was. It was about 1980 and I was all of five, my geography was not on point.

My first knowing exposure to anime will have been Star Trek, weirdly—there were tiny anime references hidden all over the TNG set, totally invisible to the camera back in the early 90s. I believe they were all removed for the HD remaster, though there's still a Trek race called Nausicaans! This used to come up in every book about Star Trek, though they tended to call it "Japanimation" back then.

The first anime I saw that I knew was an anime was the movie Akira ("TETSUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"). It was on the BBC in like 1996, along with Ghost in the Shell which I greatly preferred. I didn't get into it then, though like a year later I started studying Japanese, for no reason other than it looked cool as fuck and I'd been reading a bit too much William Gibson. And I figured I needed to look at some anime just for exposure or something and hey, the Pokemon dub was right there on kids' TV... I didn't get a lot of exposure out of it, but I did get really, really into Team Rocket, because I'm nothing at all if not predictable.

This was when anime was still very much the domain of snooty adults who could afford to import it and insisted it was Art[tm]. A few years later I would become one of these snooty adults! (briefly)—there were banker's drafts involved (it was pre-Paypal), and overseas shipping when that was still a Huge Deal. And videotapes! I needed a new VCR that could play NTSC; that wasn't cheap, but it was a very pretty shade of champagne, so I guess I got my money's worth or something.

I went to like one anime con ever. I didn't feel too welcome; I still think about the guy who told me "Pokemon toys don't impress" all the time—fuck you, dude whose name I can't recall, I loved my Togepi. Then there was the fact that someone tried to stab me for totally unrelated reasons, like them having it in for me personally. It was a whole thing, definitely an Interesting Time. I got out mostly unscathed with my hair pulled a bit, and from that I learned never to sleep on the floor of the roommate of anyone you banned from an online community.

Sometimes I look at how egalitarian and open and just plain fun anime is now, and think about how horrified some of those people must have been. I find it deeply amusing.

Anyway, a couple of years after that, bittorrent happened, and you could get a fansub almost right away of almost anything. And it was very good and I approved tremendously and pretty much never looked back.

As for Death Note, it wasn't exactly my first anime, but it was the first one I got really heartstoppingly obsessed with for years. So I guess that checks out.

That post about death note being "everyone's first anime" (untrue statement) made me curious and now I want to gather data for science

Can you reblog this and tell me where are you from and what was your starter anime?

[bisexual-in-every-gender]

Survey

New tats in your near future?

Got a full sleeve planned in November (flowers all over my arm in rainbow colours growing out of blood stains with the Billy Talent lyrics "These flowers have grown from bloodstains on the ground", incorporating my queerness and the struggle with it over years with my love for Billy Talent), plus a small tattoo of a chest burster (the one from Alien) being hugged by his host to emphasise my love of horror and sci fi

How about piercings or re-piercings?

*sigh* I tried to have my ears pierced twice and both times had a severe allergic reaction and my lip ring I had to have taken out because of an infection, so sadly, I don't think piercings are for me :(

Are there any rooms in your house that you don't go into every day?

Several. We got three spare rooms, one that had been meant for a baby's arrival, but sadly the IVF failed, so it's now a storage room, as well as another storage room in lieu of a cellar and a guest room. Also the second bath room which the cat uses.

Who else do you know who has the same favourite colour that you do?

My sister Ami, I think, likes blue as much as I do.

Have you ever covered a tattoo up or added to?

Yeah, I made my tattooed pug a vampire with a swirling glass of blood.

Have you ever kissed someone who previously kissed someone you hated?

I guess? I only hate Izzy's ex for the way she treated her though.

Do you have any relatives with red hair?

No.

What is tomorrow's weather forecasted to be like?

33 degrees Celsius and sunny

Have you ever known someone who committed suicide?

I never had the chance of meeting him, but Izzy's friend Neil did.

What's some of the worst pain you ever felt?

Each failed IVF cycle, a miscarriage and the loss of my grandmother and my first cat. Physically, a bad ear infection and a snapped tendon in my ankle.

What's your favourite kind of pasta?

Spaghetti

Would you rather a friend come over to your house or you go to theirs?

I'm weird about people coming to my place. It always looks dirty and untidy to me. So I'd rather go to theirs, even though it might be untidier there.

Have you ever had rabies?

No.

Do you know anyone who ever had to get a rabies shot?

Me and my wife (it's mandatory when travelling to China for an extended period of time), my cat

Ever eaten deer? Duck? Squirrel? How about lamb?

Yes to all but the squirrel.

What is your favourite parody movie?

Shaun of the Dead, Redfield

What is your least favourite ice cream flavour?

Peppermint. Don't get the appeal.

Does your car have heated seats?

"Ich habe doch gar keine Auto!"

Have you ever been tempted to steal?

Yes, but I resisted.

Would you rather travel to Ireland or Japan?

Japan. Already been to Ireland.

Does tickling turn you on?

No. It's just annoying.

If you could go over to someone's house right now, to whose and why?

Toni's to give them a hug and say hi to Kasi.

What is the age gap between you and your parents?

28 and 35 respectively

How many bathrooms does your house have and is it enough?

Two and yes.

Have you ever videochatted with someone you met online?

Loads of people.

Do you collect anything or have you ever?

Funkos, books and fridge magnets

How many siblings does your best friend have?

One sister.

Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally or mentally unstable?

Oh, have I ever.

Be honest: Are you clingy?

Not as much as I used to be.

Have you ever had bronchitis?

Multiple times.

Have you ever had a reptile for a pet?

No.

Are you afraid of the dentist?

Yes. I suffer severe dentophobia. I literally shake and shiver on the chair and once started crying so hard they had to stop treatment. But I still endure, as I don't want my teeth to fall out.

Did you attend Sunday School as a kid?

No.

Who was the last person you cuddled with?

My wife Izzy.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't around, but their phone is. Do you look?

No. Can't unlock it anyway and wouldn't try to.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?

Yep.

Have you ever liked someone who was in a relationship with someone else?

Once, but it was in year 6, so hardly counts.

Do people ever compliment your eyes?

Rarely.

Have any of your exes ever given you roses?

No, but my wife has.

Do you think your last ex ever thinks about you?

If he does, I don't care.

Would you rather have a salad or french fries as a side dish?

Chips please.

Which one of your relationships was the shortest?

5 months and two weeks with my ex.

Which was the longest?

Six years and counting

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up with you?

Yes.

Are you going to be getting any new pets soon?

We were thinking of getting another cat, but after a test run with a friend's cats Bertha made it clear she's happier as an only pet.

Do you like BBQ sauce?

No, I hate it.

What do you like to do when you're home alone?

Watch Star Trek, play video games

Do you know anyone who has autism?

I do, my friend Toni probably does and my friend Ronja is also on the spectrum

What is your favourite way to eat eggs?

Boiled.

Do you like Frozen?

No, I find it super annoying. Olaf should be shot.

Do you enjoy hot chocolate?

Sure.

Do you use Instagram often?

No, no account.

If you got a kitten, what would you name it?

Pippin for a boy, Hilda for a girl

Who is someone you know who's talkative?

My wife. She can talk for England. And my mum.

When was the last time you met any of your uncles?

I never met any of my uncles and now they're both dead.

Do you know anyone who plays the violin?

Not to my knowledge.

Do your parents enjoy any of the things you enjoy? Do you bond over it?

My mum likes Star Trek (infact, she introduced me to it) and theatre. My dad watches horror films and likes rock music. Yeah, we sometimes bond over it.

[disappointingyet]

More films that didn't quite make my favourites of 2023 list... although some of these got very close.

You Hurt My Feelings

Nicole Holofcener has been making consistently good very talky films for many years now. This one stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus as a writer whose essentially rather appealing life has just become a little more complicated. Her husband (Tobias Menzies) is (of course) a therapist. If you’re not the kind of person who gets upset at the idea that people with such enviable lives should ever think they have any problems, this is funny and insightful.

(Prime)

Alcarràs

My mother spent part of her childhood in a village in Catalunya (otherwise her family were city people), and her strongest memory was picking fruit from the trees and eating it, and nothing (she told us) could ever approach how delicious it was. I thought of that watching Alcarràs, which takes place on a Catalan tenant farm during the peach harvest. 

It all seems idyllic: the gentle abundance of nature, little kids roaming freely over the land… But of course, it isn’t: the family’s lease on the farm is not a formal one, rather the legacy of a (huge, it should be said) favour done in the 1930s, one that understandably seems pretty distant to the current landowner, born, I’m guessing, in the late ‘80s. He’s busy shifting his fields to the more profitable option of solar energy generation, so this could be the last peach season.   

The cast is largely non-professional, there’s no score and the cameras often stay close to the characters, so the approach is naturalistic. But this is isn’t brutal realism: there’s fun and it is all very pretty if maybe doomed. We see it through the eyes of multiple age groups: the little kids who keep losing their latest fort, the teenagers who are somewhat adrift, the current generation in charge of the farm and the oldies, including the patriarch in decline (Josep Abad, who looks a lot like the great British character actor Peter Vaughan).

Small point: I think it would be useful for non-Iberian audiences if the subtitles pointed out the rare times the characters are speaking (Castilian) Spanish - eg, with west African day workers or with the Romanian woman the film seems to be implying is a mail-order bride.

Anyway, it’s very good.

(MUBI)

L’Innocent

This doesn’t have a promising premise: mother and adult son who interfere too much in each other’s lives, mother runs acting classes at a prison, marries one of the inmates, when he’s released the son doesn’t trust him and starts spying on him. Director-star Louis Garrel has given himself the role of one of those moody, immature blokes we are somehow meant to have some sympathy for despite their dickishness.  (If this were British, it would almost certainly be the year's worst release.)

And yet… I really liked this film. It contains a lot of things that – if done well – endear a film to me: amateurs trying to trail people, scenes in which the characters are acting, heist planning… Also: I’m wondering if I’ve ever seen a film set in Lyon before?  It’s funny, it shifts gear nicely and ties together well. (If you’ve only seen Noémie Merlant in Portrait Of A Lady On Fire and Tár, here’s a chance to watch her having fun.) (MUBI)

Actual People

Super low-budget/ultra-indie/neo-mumblecore movie about a student gradually falling apart in her final year of college – it’s basically a comedy if not a particularly cheery one. Lots of parties in small apartments and shouted conversations in hip bars, that kind of thing. I liked it quite a lot… but also don’t remember it that clearly.

(MUBI)

Broker

After a career making films in Japan, the great director Hirokazu Koreeda ventured abroad for 2019’s La Vérité, just the most French film you’ve ever seen. That was an impressive bit of code switching, but didn’t play to his strengths. For Broker, he’s also working away from home in a foreign language (Korean), but this one has a lot in common with Shoplifters, his excellent film from 2018.

In Broker, a young mother abandons her baby outside a church. She later tries to retrieve him, but he’s been nicked by a couple of guys who sell babies to desperate couples. These are the bad guys, right? Nope. These are our rather sweet protagonists, and the mother joins up with them on a road trip to find a nice couple who are also willing to pay a decent amount for poor little Woo-song. Meanwhile, a pair of exhausted cops are on their trail. 

You can tell it’s a Koreeda film by the sheer amount of time the characters spend eating and, if not eating, talking about food, plus all the stuff about families, biological or chosen. I’ve watched a lot of movies set in Korea, but I think this is the first one I have seen with multiple references to Tottenham Hotspur’s dazzlingly skilful forward Son Heung-Min. On the other hand, like many Korean movies I’ve watched, it stars Song Kang-ho.

It’s touching, it’s funny, the characters are endearing, it’s a very nice film.

Retour a Seoul

French party girl* Freddie (Park Ji-min) sort of accidentally ends up in holiday in Korea, country of her birth. Just as haphazardly, she makes contact with her biological father and has a massively awkward meeting with him and his family, not helped by the fact that she doesn’t speak the language. Freddie, it seems, is not a comfortable fit for Korea. The film then takes some interesting turns, while determinedly not filling in the gaps. If you’re the kind of film watcher who needs to know who/what/why and sometimes when, you’ll get deeply frustrated here. I found it very absorbing even though I was never entirely sure what the film was trying to say – plus there’s some great hair, make-up and costume work going on.

*In the non-euphemistic sense.

Amanda

Super-offbeat Italian indie about a young woman from a privileged family who has no friends and does things like hang out at raves on her own. I guess some points of comparison (if probably not particularly helpful ones to most people) are Todd Solondz and Roy Andersson. Bleak comedy, basically. I’d heard great things about this and it didn’t fully live up to my super-high expectations. (Its director, Carolina Cavalli, co-wrote Fremont, which I liked a whole lot more.)

Tár

How much of the love for this film came from (my fellow) Gen Xers enjoying watching Cate Blanchett’s Lydia Tár humiliating the kids with their ‘my journey’ self-obsessions? To be sure, there are many other pleasures to be had: Blanchett’s performance, the interior design, the costumes, the music etc… Plus just debating questions like: is this a ghost story/horror movie? But while I was impressed, I’m not sure I really liked it that much. 

May December 

Actor gets cast in a movie about a real-life scandal - grown woman had sex with 13-year-old… and when she gets out of jail and he’s of legal age, they marry. Almost a quarter of a century on, they are still together and they allow the actor to visit for research. Which is surely asking for trouble.

May December is not the only film this year (I’m thinking of Anatomy Of A Fall, for instance) that in summary could sound like it could be a 1991 erotic thriller but very much isn’t.

Natalie Portman plays the TV star, Julianne Moore the suburban mom-turned-sex offender-now again a suburban mom. Both women are terrifying. Charles Melton plays the somewhat hapless husband. 

This is a strange film. It’s directed by Todd Haynes, who is known for wildly adventurous music biz movies (Velvet Goldmine, I’m Not There) and retro-set melodramas (Far From Heaven, Carol.) May December is a melodrama but its 2015 setting is not long enough ago to count as a past when things were different*. So it lacks the tension between nostalgic beauty and undisguised bigotry that was crucial to the appeal of FFH and Carol. 

In its place we get… a jarring score borrowed from The Go-Between (1971) and the occasional unsettlingly weird shot. Presumably, by way of reminding us that this is a doubly screwed-up situation: that even if the outcome is seemingly a happy family, what Moore’s character did was unspeakable but also Portman’s actor is a nasty piece of work. 

There are echoes of Single White Female, but few of the trashy thrills that movie had. Some critics have mentioned Bergman’s Persona, and I can see why. I was left wondering whether if I had watched more films by (1970s German master/chemical dustbin) Rainer Werner Fassbinder, May December would make more sense to me. Then again, I have to assume the vast majority of people who catch May December on Sky (in the UK) or Netflix (US) will have seen exactly zero Fassbinder flicks.

All of which is to say that May December is an interesting and sometimes compelling movie, but not one I actively enjoyed.

*I mean, in a number of ways it does feel like a long time ago, but none of those are relevant to this film.

How To Blow Up A Pipeline

There are plenty of films about people setting off bombs. Less common are serious-minded, commercially released films unambiguously endorsing the destruction of corporate assets in the country the film was made. The reference point for critics was Kelly Reichardt’s Night Moves – the other relatively recent film about American eco-terrorism – but that film is deeply ambivalent about its characters’ underlying motives and the wisdom of their actions. HTBUAP, at least as I understood it, is firmly onside with its crew of angry Gen Zers. 

But although the message is pretty earnest, the medium is a stripped-down thriller: it’s classic heist movie assemble-the-team, plan, execute and then deal with the messier than planned consequences. It’s pretty effective, and very watchable – I just felt the film requires more of a buy-in on its politics and admiration of its characters than I can manage. (Netflix)

Un Beau Matin (One Fine Morning)

Secretly, the most Brexity film of the year, occasionally seeming like it’s directly aimed at Brits who imagine that the French have figured out how to do things like care homes. Apparently not, according to this film starring Léa Seydoux as a young widow whose writer father has dementia. The ending seems to be trying for something a bit upbeat, but the rest of the film is so bloody miserable it can’t pull that off. I really liked Mia Hansen-Løve’s previous film – Bergman Island – but this is hard work. (MUBI)

Les Cinq Diables (The Five Devils)

This gloomy, spooky French drama starring Adèle Exarchopoulos  is rather like a darker, fucked-up reworking of Petite Maman,  and fulfils my default expectation that ‘x but dark’ = ‘x but worse’. It can’t quite decide whether it wants to be an all-out horror movie – I think it would have been far better if it had been.

(MUBI)

El Conde

Hard to think of anything more off-putting for people of my age and ideology than a film narrated in the voice of Margaret Thatcher – that’s a real fingernails down the blackboard experience. This is a truly bizarre film from the always-interesting Chilean director Pablo Larraín: the idea is that Augusto Pinochet is a vampire and thus didn’t die in 2006 but instead continues in existence in hiding in a vast remote compound. The movie is a baffling mix of horror fantasy (it’s in lush black & white) with characters reading out great lists of how much the Pinochet family have stolen from the Chilean people. And then there’s that narration in English and dialogue largely in Spanish (and some French). Credit to Larraín for looking for new and interesting ways to tell stories about historical figures (this follows films about Pablo Neruda, Jackie Kennedy and Diana Spencer and he’s taking on Maria Callas next), but for me this doesn’t really gel at all.

(Netflix)

Passages

Very big with critics, this one. Tomas (Franz Rogowski) is a diva-ish film director married to long-suffering Martin (Ben Whishaw). Then he gets picked up by Agathe (Adèle Exarchopoulos) at a club and pretty soon is saying he’s in love with her. If you’re thinking this is the familiar tale of a bloke stubbornly insisting he’s straight after all, you’d be wrong – Tomas is still very much the same silk-crop-top-wearing dude whoever he’s shagging on any particular day. I think the film’s success hinges on whether you can understand why either Martin or Agathe tolerates this obvious tosser for more than a few days – I couldn’t, so didn’t really enjoy the film. (Indeed, probably the best scene for me is one with just Whishaw and Exarchopoulos.)

(MUBI)

Women Talking

One of those films I had a very strong idea of what it was going to be like before I saw it, and that idea was not exactly wrong, but not right either. I think the version in my mind was more like 1970s Marxist collectivist theatre – truly just women talking. Don’t get me wrong, there’s an awful lot of debating, but there’s also some pretty Malickian shots of kids running through fields, a bit of romance (misplaced) and some dramatic tension. 

It takes place in one of the religious communities that cosplay living in the 19th century (the news story the book the film is based on was inspired by happened in a Mennonite settlement). Some of the men and boys have been drugging and raping women and girls, and on a day when all but one of the men are away, the women gather in a barn to decide whether to stay or leave. Rooney Mara is very good, Claire Foy I don’t really get, Ben Whishaw is unnecessary (and I’d already see him being perpetually long suffering this year in the couldn’t-be-more-different Passages.) It’s watchable but worthy and a little obvious in places. 

La Amiga De Mi Amiga (Girlfriends And Girlfriends*)

Barcelona-set (but in Castilian Spanish not Catalan) indie movie in two senses – it’s minimal budget and somewhat homemade but also assorted characters are in somewhat twee bands and the soundtrack is on a similar tip. The director, Zaida Carmona, plays Zaida (it’s one of those films where most of the cast use their own names), who has been dumped by her girlfriend and flees to Barcelona. She meets up with old friends; she fancies a woman, that woman fancies another woman’s girlfriend who in turn fancies… You get the vibe. They have dinner parties, they go each other’s rubbish performance art or gigs, watch Eric Rohmer films, hook up and fall out. It’s meant to be kind of funny but also kind of honest, but I found it flimsy and a bit clumsy. Then again, that’s also my take on Rohmer, so maybe Carmona has nailed what she was aiming at.

*This English title is absolutely terrible. Firstly, My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend both sounds so much better and tells you what the film is about. Secondly, the title is a riff on Eric Rohmer’s L’Ami De Mon Amie – the lead character’s fave film – which in the UK came out as My Girlfriend's Boyfriend, in line with the original title. (In the States, it’s true, that was released as Boyfriends And Girlfriends, but why double down on a lousy decision from 36 years ago?) (MUBI)

Saint Omer

Bleak French courtroom drama. A woman is on trial for killing her small child – that she did it is not in question, whether there were any mitigating circumstances is. A writer/academic goes to watch the trial as material. She’s pregnant. Like the accused, she comes from a West African family and seems to feel that they share something. It’s fairly austere in style and intellectually high flown – characters are described as Cartesian (ah, the French, or at least the French in movies). It’s clearly a good film, and there are pertinent points being made about racism and France etc, but it’s a tough watch and I never felt I was in its groove. 

(MUBI)

A Plein Temps (Full Time)

My sister and I were discussing a French film when she asked, ‘Has it got that actress who always gets naked?’ With French actors, that doesn’t narrow it down a lot. But I think she was talking about Laure Calamy from Dix Pour Cent/Call My Agent, who stars in this film but stays dressed. 

This is a very stressy picture – it’s got the fraught vibe of something like Uncut Gems although everything that happens stays within the law. Calamy plays Julie, the divorced mother of two who lives in a village some way out of Paris but works cleaning rooms in a posh hotel in the city. She’s got an educated, bourgeois background so maybe feels the work is beneath her – and her manager certainly assumes that’s the case. During the week or so the film is set, there are escalating strikes bringing Paris to a halt, so each commute is something of an odyssey and she’s late to work, late picking up her kids from the neighbour who reluctantly looks after them, etc. Those commutes get urgent electronic thriller music, and the idea is to make us feel as on edge as Julie. It’s well done, but not much fun… and I suspect it wants us to have more sympathy for Julie because she is a middle-class person in an uncomfortable situation. If true: boo!

[ariadneslament]

I am pretty used now to the situation where there are always some idiots doing shameless, ridiculous things on a regular basis to my boyfriend on social media because they want something unattainable from him. Like you know, there’s one WORST case so far to my knowledge in which some ugly (always!!!) fat bitch making some fake “physical intimacy” (in her fantasy sure) tweets to him. And I was like, [cringe] when I happened to read them. Then I checked her account, particularly tweets mentioning my bf. There was indication that she was aware of me, but she still did that anyway! I won’t tell what particular Twitter account, but she’s also following, stalking, and liking his posts on all his social media (I haven’t even reached this level of OBSESSION yet!!!!).

Do they genuinely believe their "attention" somehow means something to him—judging from who they’re? He has a loving family and close friends (plus a girlfriend whom his friends and sister acknowledge). He founded and currently leads a company whose products are cherished globally, fostering communities of admirers. Given such blessings, shouldn't people like him, especially of mature age, be naturally picky?

This is a funny comparison, but this is perhaps what WAGs of famous star athletes are dealing with too 😂 (although there are many types of successful men and they differ from each other in behaviours, tastes, etc.) You know some famous, super talented baseball player from Japan who is about my age and he has a cult-like fanbase on Twitter which consists mostly of young women and teenage girls. I remember seeing tweets how judgy they were to some women rumouredly linked to him in the past. Dude currently has a public persona of being single, but if he did have some secret girlfriend, it wouldn't make any difference to the level of their obsession.

Some thoughts about the perks of dating a high status guy.

--------------------------------------------

Addendum:

It's not unusual either I guess. A few years ago I accidentally came across a small anonymous account dedicated purely to some Irish billionaire fintech entrepreneur. The funny thing is that whoever chick ran it, didn't just do it for fangirling, but also for making several romantic advances. The admired one was cricket silent although I wondered if his accomplished now-fiancée-then-girlfriend had read them too.

I would love to imagine she did, you know, because of the perks I mentioned about before, although she might have rolled her eyes and laughed it off too.

[lightlycareless]

Japan is quite notorious for its natural disasters. And while reading some of them for my thesis, I wondered about you and the way you write seemingly amazing catastrophes that are quite unexpected. Are you perhaps going to introduce more complicated situations like these? Even Naoya saving Y/N? wink wink

Hello anon!

omg... I don't know what to say 😭❤️ I'm very flattered!!! aglajgasjglajlsgk

oh, gee. hehe. I'm all flustered now...

Anyways, there's actually many things I've been thinking about putting in the story, or making a reference to. I haven't really thought about natural disasters per se, since where I live... it's mostly fires, earthquakes, and nationally some volcanos (if you're keeping up with that, you might've heard about Popocatepetl lol) but maybe I have? Guess it depends on the context, but first let me explain 🤭

The idea that I've been thinking on for a while is an underwater concept. It came to me after watching a documentary of underwater caves (which I did not want to see lol I still remember telling my friend: I don't like underwater stuff, so let's see the volcano one. her: let's see the underwater one. me: 💀) and how they come to be—something about the ice age and how the ice melting sometimes rises or lowers the sea levels. These changes create stalagmites and stalactites, whose layers can be used to study how the weather was back then!

At some point we get to see a scientist need a sample from a stalagmite from a very specific place which can only be approached by experienced scuba divers—This is where they take the opportunity to tell you that many years ago it would have been possible to simply walk there because the sea level was lower.

So... I got the idea of: what if there was like a temple in some of those areas, thriving thanks to it's followers donations, warding off spirits, storing cursed objects, and then... things happen and everything ends up underwater.

I have yet to decide the "paranormal" activity that this might cause (maybe people getting lured underwater? hehe), but I can imagine that somehow HQ manages to pinpoint it's origin to an underwater source 💀 How will techniques work there? Who is going to take on the mission? Not everyone is an expert scuba diver. And what kind of curses can be found underneath? Who knows—but that's something I'd like to explore in due time :>!!!

There's something else I have in mind too... but I think I'll keep that one to myself for now. As for everything else I have planned, it'll be written into the story 🤭

Also, I've always dreamed about Naoya and Y/N going on missions together. We're talking about them being in a good relationship now, and somehow... Y/N is all like:

Y/N: You know what's hot? Doing it in a haunted place. Amirite?

Naoya: Wtf? *goes along anyways, cause let's be real he ain't deny you—and hey, maybe he thinks the same as you, he just didn't want to be the one to bring it to the table lol*

Hmm. Interesting. I do have a fic planned with that theme lmao.

Well, I hope this was what you were looking for 🥺❤️ There's soooo many things I wished the manga would've included, mostly pertaining to mundane things you know, and how they affect everyday life. Like, what is the influence of sorcerers in humanity and vice versa, cause I refuse to believe they've been in complete secrecy!!! Oh well, idk where the story is going now anyways besides a rushed ending 😭💀

Thank you so much for sending in an ask!! And such a nice one at that... I'm really flattered you think so highly of my writing 🥺❤️ If there's anything else you'd like to share, please let me know! I'll be more than happy to respond to the best of my ability ❤️

Take care, have a wonderful week, and hope to see you soon!!

[nilikhangdiwa]

hi !! writing up some quick ramuda propaganda here because this little pink bitch has ruined my life slash positive.

hypmic lore speedrun, in case you're unfamiliar with it. hypnosis mic is a series whose story is told primarily through drama tracks. in the future, after world war iii, the party of words has taken over japan. all forms of weaponry are outlawed, and all conflicts must be solved with words. in particular, the invention of the hypnosis microphone means that you can use your words to literally cause people physical damage. thus, there's a division rap battle, where the different divisions duke it out in a tournament style rap battle to see who comes on top. the winner gets loads of benefits for their division, a cash reward, etc. also note that the party of words is all women and they hate men for being violent and shit. but for the purposes of this, it's not necessarily that important.

okay, so ramuda. who is ramuda?

ramuda is, first and foremost, the leader of shibuya division's fling posse! he was the one who gathered gentaro and dice to form their little rap group. they were all strangers before, but they've come to create a close bond with one another.

though fling posse was formed for selfish reasons, the three of them grow to really care for each other. and isn't this what this poll is all about? pink haired fucks hiding big secrets behind sunshiney smiles and learning to smile genuinely?

ramuda was also formerly part of the dirty dawg. the dirty dawg was a rap group of four people who are now all leaders of their respective divisions. they had a break up due to a lot of internal strife caused in part by ramuda's actions. although he was the one who kind of tore them apart, he does feel really bad about it, as tdd had grown to be important to him too.

and third. well. he's a government clone.

"WHAAAAAAT." yeah. although the fandom had been expecting such for a few years, it got officially confirmed a while back. ramuda is not human. ramuda is a genetically engineered clone created to do the dirty work of the government. (test tube baby, literal.)

ramuda can always be found with a lollipop in hand. this is because he's actually reliant on them to survive, since they contain medicine that he needs to keep functioning.

so you can guess audience reactions when in a drama track, one of the party of words representatives kicks him in the stomach and tells him they won't be supplying lollipops anymore, thus dooming him to a slow and painful death.

it was so bad, dude. and hearing him beg for his life was so painful. shiraimu popped off in his voice acting, but also because thus far ramuda has always been confident and carefree and playful and bubblegummy and now he's been completely stomped into the ground begging for his life. i listened to that on my way to school, didn't even try to have a good day.

but not all is lost! gentaro and dice end up finding him and saving him. and they resolve to win ths second division rap battle so that, as winners, they can demand more lollipops so that ramuda survives.

and they do. they win. and it's so... god. here's an excerpt of the battle song of fling posse vs. mtc during the second drb.

Repping Shibuya, us 3 are inseparable Coming together as one We’re never alone For his sake For your sake We’re risin’ up

fffffor ramuda's sake... stream reason to fight. anyway.

ramuda's is the story of someone created for one purpose breaking free and finding his own purpose. he's learning real freedom for the first time. he's learning to love and live and fixing his mistakes and dealing with them. he's the story of the human will to survive.

if you have a vote to spare, i hope you can spare one for ramuda!

Pink Hair Swag Tourney, Round One, Part Three

[lazyevaluationranch]

On a post about the Blue Haired Girlfriend's quixotic citrus breeding experiments, @voidingintotheshout​ asked:

I mean, if you wanted a hearty citrus relative, why didn’t you just grow Osage Orange? They can grow as far north as Michigan which is surely further north than anyone could reasonably expect to grow a citrus tree. They’re not edible but then hearty orange isn’t either. Osage Orange are so cool and such a interesting historical plant from the Shelterbelt era of American agriculture. Apparently they do smell like citrus.

This is part three of three. Part one. Part two.

Now you've done it! It's time for A Very Brief (But Also Insufficiently Brief) History of Twentieth Century Hardy Citrus Cultivation! Growing citrus trees this far north is kind of nuts, it's true, but I promise you it is not even close to the weirdest things people have done to grow citrus in places where the citrus doesn't think it should grow.

A note: This post will written using the Swingle citrus taxonomy system, including things that are definitely wrong. The citrus taxonomic tree looks like that one box of orphaned computer cords I keep moving with me to new houses "in case I need them" except some sort of adorable five-dimensional kitten has entertained herself with them and some of the resulting knots are not technically possible in our space-time continuum. 

The powers that be gave us citrus because nothing pleases them like seeing a geneticist cry.

1. The Migrant Trees

The Soviet Union wanted lemons for tea, and they wanted to be independent enough not to have to trade with anyone else to get them, which meant they wanted to grow their own citrus. That part of the world is not a great place to grow plants that die when the temperature goes below zero, but at the foundation of the Soviet Union, there were citrus orchards in the warmest part of Georgia, along the Black Sea. Specifically, there was about, uh, one and a half square kilometers of somewhat implausible citrus orchard.

Hang on, it is about to get way less plausible.

This is the great citrus migration: any tree that did well in one spot, they'd try planting its seeds a few kilometres further north, or a few kilometres further east. Prizes were offered for breeding hardier citrus. Slowly the orchards spread, but they were extremely weird orchards.

It's usually a few degrees warmer at ground level than up in the air, and there's way less wind. So as the trees grew, they were bent over and tied along the ground. Some of them had the central trunk run in a straight line along the ground, with branches spreading out from it like the leaves of a fern, like an espaliered tree on its side. Others were starfish shaped, with the central trunk looped down until it ended up next to the base, and the branches sprawling out along the ground from the centre like starfish legs. The citrus trees were no taller than particularly vigorous strawberry plants, but they survived the winters, and you could throw a blanket over them to help them stay warm.

None of that helped if the ground froze solid, so they needed Underground Citrus. You'd dig a ditch, down below the lowest area where the ground froze, and you'd plant flat Starfish Trees or Flat Frond Trees running along the bottom of it, too deep to freeze. In winter, you'd just cover the ditch with boards any time the temperature was expected to go below freezing - citrus would tolerate the lack of light, but not the cold. Mandarins (Citrus reticulata) seemed to do best, so that’s most of what was grown.

It is a nearly unimaginable amount of work to grow citrus this way, along the bottoms of pits and trenches. We are experimentally trying to grow a Soviet-developed mandarin breed of unknown parentage, Shirokolistvennyi, but we will definitely not be putting in that level of effort.

2. The Mixed Up Trees

There are a couple species of citrus that tolerate cold well, but taste awful. A lot of effort has gone into crossbreeding them with more edible citrus. The results are ... mixed.

The Ichang Papeda (Citrus cavaleriei) generally survives temperatures down to -18 degrees C. It is stoic and calm and has mastered emptiness. Unfortunately, it has mastered emptiness too well. The fruit smells like lemons, with maybe a hint of rose, but there's nothing to eat here. It has a rind and seeds. No juice, no flesh.

(Photo by Michael Saalfield)

The Ichang Papeda is the parent or grandparent to several delicious, extremely sour Asian citrus types. Yuzu/yuja smells like grapefruit and clean wet stones from the bottom of a fast-flowing stream. Sudachi smells like grapefruit and leaves with dew on them. (I haven't met kabosu or any other papeda hybrids personally, but they are numerous.)  They're all too sour to eat plain, unless you really need to turn your face inside out for some reason, but make for excellent flavouring. 

(We have a yuzu tree and a sudachi tree and they're surviving, but no fruit yet.)

Trifoliate orange (Poncirus trifoliata) can survive temperatures down to -30 degrees C. This may be partly because, uniquely amoung citrus, they can drop leaves in autumn or winter and regrow them in spring, like a maple tree. They also produce an internal antifreeze. They are angry, twisted, thorny little plants that yell swears when you walk past them. They make a great hedge. The fruit is furry, smells like flowers and pine trees and taste like burnt, bitter plastic. It may or may not be possible to breed the horrible taste completely out of trifoliate oranges without losing cold-hardiness, if it's due to their antifreeze chemicals. Here’s Stabby:

(Photo by Rob Hille)

Even the least terrible trifoliate crossbreeds are bitter enough to qualify as “acquired tastes.” There are recipes for trifoliate marmalade: put a dozen trifoliate oranges, a kilogram of sugar, and a kilogram of pebbles in a pot, cook until it gels, then sieve out the oranges and eat the pebbles. 

We are growing a trifoliate orange / minneola orange hybrid. And, of course, someday our own trifoliate hybrids. The Blue Haired Girlfriend planted 200 trifoliate oranges a couple years ago. There are fewer now, but the survivors have lived through two winters of snow and frost, and they might have somehow gotten more stabby. We're going to breed them, to each other or to less angry fruit, try and make something new and good from them.

I've limited this post to twentieth century hardy citrus breeding, but I have to give a shoutout to somatic hybridization, a decidedly twenty first century technique, where you take a cell from each of two different plants, remove their cell walls, put them next to eachother, and shock them with electricity until they merge into a single cell whose nucleus contains all genes from both plants. Then the new plant is like, "Wow, I guess these are all my genes? It seems like a lot, haha, but it's not like somebody made me from dismembered body parts and electricity, that is not how science works. Anyway I guess it's time to do some plant stuff now."

3. The Mutant Trees

In the 1950s, people started using radiation to randomly scramble the genes of plants. You'd irradiate seeds enough to change the genes somehow, and then you'd have to plant them to see what had happened. Maybe it was people horrified by the atomic bomb desperately wanting to find some life-supporting use for atomic fission, maybe it was government-supported cold war "atom bombs are good actually, look how many we have, USSR" propaganda. Probably both. 

This time period also saw serious plans for Orion, a spaceship with a huge metal plate for a butt, intended to be propelled by exploding atomic bombs under it, which I am not actually making up.

Thousands of people in Europe and the US signed up to receive seeds with random mutations in the mail, plant them, and report back on what they heck they grew into and if it had any useful weirdness. (The gamma radiation used to mutate the seeds did not make them radioactive themselves - the seeds were completely safe.) There were also more formal and carefully controlled university research programs in China, Japan, and the US, where plants where grown in a circular research garden with a coverable radiation source at the centre, so that the farther you got from the centre, the less radiation the plants got. Radiation breeding is less popular than it used to be, but Japan still has a very productive citrus radiation breeding program.

The most popular radiation-bred citrus is the "Rio Red" grapefruit and its offspring, which has a much deeper red than non-mutant red grapefruit.

There aren't many radiation-developed citrus breeds noted for cold-hardiness - with radiation you get whatever you get  - but there are a few, and I want one just because I think they're neat, a monument to that lovely human vision that looks at terrible weapons and somehow sees glossy-leaved trees with bright fruit.

4. The Monster Trees

Citrus are usually grown via grafting. That is, you plant a seed from a fast-growing sturdy breed, you let it grow roots and all that, and then you cut the top off and replace it with a branch from a more delicious breed. The two citruses grow together, and you end up with a tree that's disease and cold resistant in the roots, below the graft, but makes tasty fruit above the graft.

Occasionally, this process goes Wrong. 

The first recorded instance is the tree called Bizarria, discovered in 1640. Someone attempted to graft a sour orange branch onto a citron. But instead of a clean line between sour orange branches and citron roots, the graft was damaged somehow, and the two different species of cells got tangled and mixed through the whole tree. It has branches that produce citron fruit. It has branches that produce sour orange fruit. And it has branches that produce, uh ... these:

(Photo by Labrina)

Most graft chimeras are made accidentally, when the graft site is damaged. Trifoliate orange is often used as rootstock, so there are many reported chimeras involving trifoliate orange and a nicer fruit. The mixed-up cells can be arranged a lot of ways, but it's possible to have the outside layer of the tree be trifoliate orange, and the core of the tree be the other citrus (periclinal chimera). This means you could theoretically get a tree with frostproof trifoliate leaves and branches, but fruit that doesn’t taste like burnt plastic rolled in quinine.

This lucky monstrosity has, in fact, reportedly happened. Twice. There is the Prague Citsuma, discovered in a greenhouse in Prague and suspected to have been created by a Soviet breeding program. And then there is the Hormish, discovered in China and thought to have been made by frostbite messing up the clean lines of the graft. The Blue Haired Girlfriend has managed to track down budwood from the Prague Citsuma - I’m so excited! - so we'll see how the fierce thorny monster tree with a heart of gold, or at least heartwood of gold, does for us.

5. Conclusion

Humans have been trying to grow citrus trees where they don't belong for nearly two thousand years, at least since the Jewish Diaspora and people trying to grow holy etrog trees - trunks gnarled as barnacle stones and the whole tree scented like the best dream you can't remember - in Europe. Maybe longer.

The Blue Haired Girlfriend's citrus-breeding schemes aren't going to singlehandedly transform Canada into a net citrus exporter. But history shows us: it might be possible to have a little gleaming sweetness from the stony ground here, with the ravens and the fir trees and the auroras. A sweetness we made ourselves, that exists nowhere else. 

Or maybe we'll just have a bunch of weird inedible fruit. I don't know, but it's worth finding out, worth weaving together leaf and thorn and stone and the light of our hands as the years unwind. Worth it to have a quixotic project we can expect to spend decades on together, hands and hearts. This is how home is made, sometimes, with a balcony full of angry thorny little trees that shout swears at passerby.