#anyway by my math it should be possible to get the entire gang in one attack

[pathetic-gamer]

on today's episode of "gaming with your local pathetic gamer," we try to get the most unnecessarily long chain attack possible

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 285: You Looked Like You Needed Saving

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all, “hey guys I’m just gonna fight Tomura one on one and risk my own life rather than risk letting him do the whole Destroying Everything bit again.” Kacchan was all “WAIT NO ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT’S THE EXACT THING I HATE THE MOST” and indignantly launched into his “P.S. I CARE ABOUT DEKU” flashback, which was a revelation in that it proved exactly what Bakugou fans have been saying this whole time, AND YET OUR MINDS WERE STILL BLOWN ANYWAY, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT, HE REALLY WENT AND SAID IT OUT LOUD THOUGH. Anyway, so Deku’s strategy for defeating Tomura is to, you guessed it, break his fucking arms again; and meanwhile a frantic Katsuki is gearing up on the sidelines to do something really awesome and incredibly stupid, probably; and all in all it’s a pretty terrible situation our boys have found themselves in. Terrible for them, but GREAT for me, and I’ve never been so hyped in my life omg.

Today on BnHA: Deku breaks both of his arms like a dozen times over. Like, just pages and pages of arm breaking. Just like in the good old days! Meanwhile Kacchan is all “jesus christ, okay you know what would be a better idea, JUST SETTING HIM ON FIRE AGAIN”, and so he grabs Shouto and Endeavor, and they do a whole Prominence Burn combo thing. The AFO-inside-of-Tomura is all “‘sup it’s me again, but seriously now would be a REALLY good time to let me take over your body”, and so Tomura TOTALLY DOES LET HIM TAKE OVER, WHOOP, and so AFO is all “HELLS YEAH.” And then he STRAIGHT UP STABS MY SON, WHOSE BODY WAS SIMPLY MOVING ON ITS OWN, YOU KNOW, JUST HERO THINGS. Anyway so now Kacchan is fucking dead*, and so if I were AFO I would start putting as much distance as possible between myself and Deku right the fuck now, because boy, IF YOU THOUGHT HE WAS MAD BEFORE? Holy shit. We’re about to see a whole new level aren’t we.

LOL WE’RE OFF TO A GRAND OLD START

Deku’s arms should sue for legal emancipation. I think most of us can agree that they’re probably better off without him. sure they’ll have to buy their own food and stuff, but I think the trade-off is more than fair

oh wow that 100% shit really is something though

too bad it did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! spoiler alert. I don’t even have to scroll to the next page, Deku. we already know

OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS

did Deku really pull off some “three hits in one” bullshit, or is this a mistranslation referring to the fact that Deku’s already hit him twice with his left arm, and so this is now the third 100% hit. kinda hoping for the latter, ngl. either way though, I’m really getting a “Deku’s arms are legitimately done for” vibe from this

ESPECIALLY SINCE:

DEKU YOU SHRUB!!! WAS IT WORTH IT YOU EGG FDKF KKDJ YOU DON’T GET BONUS POINTS FOR BREAKING THEM TWICE

goddammit I’m pretty sure he just Detroit Smashed the last remaining hero brain cell. now they have diddly squat to work with, oh this is bad

...

do you guys remember a few weeks back when I was joking about him breaking the rest of his bones and using Blackwhip to move his shattered body around like a grotesque marionette. do you specifically remember the part where that was a joke

holy shit Deku. it’s like we’re all the way back to square one with you. wasn’t that like the first thing Aizawa taught you, not to break your whole body apart? how are you supposed to fight Tomura if you can’t move?? why didn’t you wait for one of your pals who could hit him with an attack from long range WITHOUT BREAKING EVERY SINGLE BONE IN THEIR BODIES. WHERE DID YOUR BIG HERO BRAIN GO

boy you better pray one of those remaining quirks is a healing factor, or else you’re gonna be on IR for a LONG time. anyway. idk why I’m getting so worked up when I already knew this was going to happen lol. it’s just like Katsuki said; he takes himself out of the equation. it’s worth sacrificing his own body if it means he can take out AFO and prevent Tomura from hurting anyone else again. it’s just that... well. you know that saying about taking calculated risks when you are bad at math?

GUH I REALLY HATE THAT TOMURA IS STILL COMPLETELY FINE KSKWOILWKKJ AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE A LITTLE HURT, WOULD YOU

please ignore all of those worried-sounding thoughts; I think we all know that’s a bunch of bullshit. completely and utterly fine. the only person Deku’s attacks hurt was himself. hip hip hooray

anyway. so now, this!

pretty sure he can’t use Decay or AFO without at least touching SOMETHING, so I’m guessing this is another one of his new quirks. dammit Tomura why are you so fucking invincible

HAHAHA MEANWHILE

if I were you, Deku’s Arms, I would simply detach from his body altogether at this point. cut my losses. mmm

OOF HE HIT HIM WITH THE WHOLE OF TEXAS

spoiler alert: again, it did nothing. SORRY TO KEEP RUINING THE SUSPENSE FOR YOU GUYS. is there a single human being reading this who thought for even for the milliest of seconds that this stood a chance of working though

OH MY GOD

DEKU GET IT TOGETHER YOU’RE STARTING TO LOOK LIKE THE ENIGMA OF AMIGARA FAULT AND I CAN’T STAND THIS ACTUALLY

so Tomura is all “there must be something I can do to stop this fucking kid” and shuffling through his quirk pokedex while he’s tossed around bleeding in the air

hey Tomura I’ll tell you right now that you don’t actually need to do a damn thing except not die for roughly the next thirty seconds or so, and then you’ve got this. the quirk that can stop this kid is called “One for All”, and it just so happens he’s already got you covered bruh

and Katsuki’s realized the same thing, apparently!

SHOUTO YOU’RE NOT EVEN LOOKING?? wow that is some trust right there. focused on cauterizing Gran and Aizawa’s wounds, I guess

MEANWHILE KATSUKI IS PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. HE FOUND A NEW BRAIN CELL! A WHOLE DAMN CACHE OF FRESH NEW BRAIN CELLS, LOOK AT THIS

THANKS FOR THAT, PROFESSOR

OH SHIT SON ARE WE MOUNTING A COUNTERATTACK?

I like how Endeavor is just SITTING THERE in the background looking all disgruntled. yes, sorry about that sir, this is now Kacchan’s show. he’s in charge now. time for that long-range attack I was complaining about them not doing earlier?? hopefully?? omg

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IT’S A BAKUROKI TRIPLE COMBO?!?!

ARE YOU GOING TO YEET THEM A LA GANG ORCA?? ALSO OH MY GOD, HE REALLY IS IN CHARGE. FIRST DEKU TOOK OVER FOR TWO MINUTES UNTIL HE BROKE ALL HIS BONES, AND NOW IT’S KACCHAN’S TIME. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU KIDS

LOL SHOUTO’S GETTING IN ON THIS TOO

THIS JUST IN, THE KIDS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE MANGA, ADULTS OF BNHA IN SHAMBLES

WELL MAYBE NEXT TIME DON’T LET AIZAWA GET SHOT THEN, YOU HAT!!!

WOOP OKAY WE FLYING NOW

Kacchan, tired of sitting back watching Deku invent new ways to die, decides to improvise a few of his own. hmmmmmmm

(ETA: HE LEARNED FROM THE BEST ORZ.)

OKAY WAIT A MINUTE NOW

why does this sound like he’s planning something on his own after the Todorokis have done their part. KACCHAN. EXCUSE ME, KACCHAN

SDLFKJLKJLJ

OKAY HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE

IS THIS LEADING WHERE I THINK IT’S LEADING, HOLY --

-- ooOF

I WASN’T FUCKING READY FOR THAT ONE. BAKUBULLYING FROM HIS OWN NOW-REMORSEFUL POV. SHIT. FUCKING FELT THAT. HERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUILDING UP TO AN “ALL FOR ONE FOR ALL” REVEAL, AND THEN YOU GO AND PULL THAT INSTEAD, WHAT’S GOING ON

-- HOLD UP WE’RE NOT DONE WITH THIS ONE YET MAYBE!!

“ONE FOR ALL IS”??!? KDSLFJAKLSJLKJLKJL AND THEN INTERRUPTING ME WITH THE CUTE BABIES WATCHING THE ALL MIGHT FOOTAGE, OH MY GOD. I’M JUST WILDLY REACTING TO EVERYTHING THAT’S BEING THROWN AT ME RIGHT NOW LMAO I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS LEADING

OOF THE NOTEBOOK

KACCHAN THIS ISN’T EVEN YOUR MEMORY HONEY, GET IT TOGETHER

OH MY GLOB

THIS IS THE MOST NONSENSICAL SEQUENCE OF PANELS RIGHT NOW. I’M SURE THIS IS ALL SHORTLY GOING TO COME TOGETHER IN SOME PROFOUND WAY THAT’S GOING TO KICK MY EMOTIONS SQUARE IN THE BALLS, BUT RIGHT NOW I’M JUST ALL “OOH AHH” LIKE SOME HAPLESS RUBE ALONG FOR THE RIDE. p.s. this chapter still doesn’t have a title!! p.p.s. Horikoshi is a knave

(ETA: HORIKOSHI IS A FUCKING MALFEASANT!!)

I CAN’T TAKE THIS??

PLEASE STOP BUILDING UP TO WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE BUILDING UP TO AND JUST SAY IT ALREADY, I’M DYING OMG

...and we’re cutting back to the action. godfuckingdammit it’s gonna be one of those chapters where the entire thing is just buildup to some huge reveal on the very last page isn’t it

(ETA: [sounds of screaming heard in the distance])

anyway so this next page is just Deku flying in the air, and Tomura flying through the air, and Endeavor+Katsuki+Shouto flying through the air, and everyone’s flying through the air, and we’re all just flying. TALK TO ME MORE ABOUT THE CURSE OF OFA DAMN IT

OOHHHHHH

guess if it was good enough for Hood, it’s probably their best shot huh. better than whatever the fuck Deku was trying to pull at any rate

OOP

gotta admit, if I didn’t already know full well that Tomura could not possibly die here, I’d have been pretty convinced he was dying here lol

DSFKJL ENDEAVOR BUDDY YOU MIGHT HAVE POSSIBLY OVERDONE IT JUST A BIT

wait... is that Blackwhip...?? or???

OH SHIT

WHAT EVEN IS THIS CHAPTER, COME ON

-- FMMMJAKAKJDJL, UM

TIME TO SCROLL BACK UP TO THAT PANEL OF TOMURA BEING MELTED, AND READ WHAT AFO WAS SAYING A LITTLE MORE CAREFULLY LMAOOOO. LOL. WHOOPS. OH NO KATSUKI WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

AHHHHHHHH

WHAT’S WITH THE NARRATION SQUARE ALL OF A SUDDEN AHHHHHH

oh my fresh and citrusy lord. this is it isn’t it. all of my theories converge at once. Tomura being possessed by AFO; OFA is AFO/Deku has AFO; Katsuki does something stupid and loses his quirk. THE PERFECT STORM. THEORY SINGULARITY

oh my lord oh my god oh my lord oh my god honey what are you doing, honey, no

his body’s moving before he can think. WHAT ARE THESE FLASHBACKS OF ALL HIS DEKU RELATED MEMORIES. BULLYING DEKU, BEING SAVED FROM THE SLUDGE MONSTER, RECONCILING WITH HIM AT GROUND BETA, OH MY GOD. I’M NOT READY. [WRAPS MYSELF IN A BLANKET BURRITO AND SLOWLY SCROLLS DOWN FROM THE SAFETY OF MY COCOON]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HORIKOSHI KOUHEI: [LOADS GUN WITH CHAPTER TITLE AND AIMS DIRECTLY FOR MY HEART]

ME: [SWEATING]

HORIKOSHI: [SMILES, REACHES FOR THE TRIGGER... AND THEN SUCKER PUNCHES ME SQUARE IN THE FACE]

excuse me WHAT. PARDON, THE FUCK. WHY ARE THE FIRST FEW LONE PIANO NOTES OF ADELE’S “SKYFALL” PLAYING. WHAT THE FUCK

excuse me, Horikoshi. excuse me, could I just -- could I get. COULD I JUST GET A WORD WITH YOU FOR A MINUTE. SIR

son of a. ...how am I even supposed to wrap this up. just

sob okay. so let’s just. ...

All for One 100% just took Tomura’s body over. like, he was all “Tomura, you’re fucking dying, just give me your body you muppet”, and Tomura couldn’t really argue on account of he really was dying, and so, YOINK. which is the sound that a body makes when it’s being taken over, I think

All for One then activated his forced activation quirk?? which OF FUCKING COURSE he passed on to Tomura as well. so THAT’S JUST GREAT

Kacchan is seriously the fastest character in the series. the reflexes, the sheer speed necessary to intercept that hit? goddamn

every single one of those BakuDeku flashbacks are now wanted by the FBI for first-degree murder of me

this has nothing to do with Kacchan fucking dying and stuff, but is it just me or were there HUGE “Kacchan as Bakugou’s hero name” vibes earlier on in this chapter with the flashbacks to Deku explaining the meaning behind his own name, HMM

and speaking of, this is the first time we’ve gotten Kacchan narrating in the little box panels, unless I’m completely mistaken somehow. Horikoshi really waited almost 300 whole chapters to do that. and it was worth it. holy shit

fun fact, this moment is something that’s been on my wishlist since chapter 12 lol, you can go back and check the recap if you want. back then I called it a long shot. oh how the times have changed

I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M EVEN SO STUNNED ABOUT THIS, GUYS. this is exactly what I predicted at the end of the last chapter. MY CHILD IS DUMB. THAT’S ALL THERE IS TO IT. HE’S THAT EXACT KIND OF SHOUNEN DUMB. WE’VE KNOWN IT ALL ALONG

oh my god. and now Deku’s gonna go ham, arms or no arms. AND BETS ON WHICH NEW QUIRK HE’S ABOUT TO UNLOCK? because the last time someone so much as insulted Kacchan in his presence, he SPONTANEOUSLY GREW SHADOW TENTACLES OUT OF THE BLUE AND ATTEMPTED TO MURDER THE PERSON. so if this kid has got ANYTHING left up his sleeve, I have to imagine that SEEING HIS PRECIOUS CHILDHOOD FRIEND TAKE A DEADLY ATTACK MEANT FOR HIM is gonna leave him feeling SOME KINDA WAY. I literally have no idea what’s going to happen next but I would not count this angry little broccoli out yet. not as long as he’s still conscious

anyway. so I wonder what’s the world record for continuous screaming, and whether or not I could break said record by doing such nonstop from now until a week from now when I finally get to read the next chapter

...lol apparently the record is only 8 mins and 45 seconds so GOOD NEWS GUYS, WITH THE POWER OF THIS NEW CHAPTER, WE ARE GOING TO MAKE HISTORY. DEEP BREATH. -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[unmaskedagain]

Raise yourselves up (We’re done)

Two prompts in one; let’s do this. I tweaked the ideas a bit though.

 It was Bustier who broke the news to Marinette and Chloe, and she did it once again the most inappropriate fashion, “-And so the class feels it would be best if both of you were excluded from the class trip at the end of the year.” She finished. The class was just about to let out and she told the two girls in front of them all.

There were mean snickers and smug looks from the other students. The ones who just avoid the girls’ gazes; Adrien, Juleka, and Rose. The three had decided to stay out of it and just side with the majority. Marinette and Chloe had become best friends after Lila had gotten her hooks into class the year before. She turned all of Marinette’s dearest friends to ex-friends and turned them into bullies. That was fine with Marinette. She was done with two-faced people; done with turn-coats, and cowards. Marinette didn’t need them. Or want them. Chloe at least had the guts to stand on her own two feet and for what she believed in. It was a new year and a new Marinette.

Neither blond nor bluenette blinked.

“That’s fine,” Marinette shrugged. “It will be a relief not to have to fundraise for the trip.”

Chloe smirked, “Ditto. A trip to New York City, completely unfunded by the school, is going to be a lot to pay for.”

“They’ll have plenty of time though,” Marinette hummed. “A little less than a year.” The two girls cast them cool looks, “Good luck!” They chimed as the bell rang.

No one understood why they didn’t react the way they thought. Alya had expected tears from Marinette. Rage from Chloe. Then apologies and promises to do better. In fact, they all did. But they didn’t get it. Instead, they were left wondering why the two girls laughed their way out of the classroom.

It would take them months to realize.

Both girls knew though. Chloe always managed to convince her parents to fund thirty percent of whatever grand trip the class took every year. Marinette managed to put together enough amazing fundraisers to raise sixty percent of the funds needed. Everyone else in class only ever managed to pull together the last ten percent. Barely.

The next day the brand new World Travelers’ Club announced their formation and invited anyone to join. A few members of the class perked up until they heard Marinette and Chloe were the presidents. Instead, the class bashed the club and joked it was the girls’ lame attempt at making friends.

That was the last they heard of the club.

To the rest of the students of Bustier’s class’s credit, they attempted right away to start fundraising plans. However, no one in the class knew just when they should start and no one had any unique ideas; they only had a car cash fundraiser, the usual bake sale, maybe a raffle. Standard stuff they were sure would work. After Marinette, the former class president, and resident bully as far as they were concerned, always started off with those. Never realizing that she only started out with them at the very beginning of the year, and never stopped there. Nor did they realize just how much planning went into each event.

 The class's first event was a car wash in November. It was a poor idea, as the weather had begun to take a turn for the worst and barely any cars showed up. They hosted it at the school figuring people would want to help out school children. Nino played music. And all the friends had a blast. But the kids made a total of 143 dollars a days’ worth of work. They vowed their next fundraiser would be better.

During the two months, Marinette and Chloe and the rest of the World Travelers’ club; Kagami, Claude, Aurore, Marc, Luka, Ondine, and a bunch of other students who always wanted to see the world fundraised like crazy. They decided that their class trip would be to six different places; Los Angeles, Star City, Central City, Metropolis, Gotham, and finally New York City. It would be a tour.  They would spend two weeks in each city, touring and visiting, before moving on to the next. Each city had its own highlights and hotels that need to be arranged and paid for. Marinette did the math; they would need to raise a little less than $35,000 to pay for everything. She made it an even $40,000 to be safe.

Marinette set up a go fund me page an hour later. It wouldn’t be easy but Marinette knew they could do it if they worked hard and fast. (She only half-heartedly glared at Chloe when two grand mysteriously was donated to the club’s go-fund-me five minutes after she announced it the class. She did glare when Jagged and Clara both gave five grand each to their favorite designer and faux-niece. But stopped when Kagami said her mother was also donating $3,000 to the club.)

A week after the club’s formation, they had their first fundraiser. A car wash. Marinette knew it was best to get that one done as soon as possible while the summer heat was still around. It went great. They had it at a local park. Chloe played music off her phone. During the event, they sold ice cream and other cold sweets. Ondine had the great idea of selling full water balloons to children so they could run around. Marc sold quick funny Caricatures of customers. They raised a total of $2752, minus the two hundred for expenses that Chloe and Mariette fronted themselves.

The second fundraiser Bustier’s class held was a bake sale. It was in the middle of December and more or less a last-minute idea. Alya spearheaded the event, remembering how much money they pulled in from the last bake sale. She had the smart idea of doing it during a pep rally. Only to remember at the last minute that Marinette usually supplied all the best goods freely given from the bakery. Or made them herself. It didn’t take a genius to know that Alya nor any of the class would be welcome in the bakery based on the cold looks Tom and Sabine had given Alya last time she went in with her mother. So Alya declared all the kids would make their own goods.

…Four people got food poisoning; one of them was Kim. Most of the baked goods were dry and hard and virtually unappealing. Rose’s sugar cookies sold well but mostly because they were one of the few things that tasted and looked good. The class made a total of 128 bucks. They were lucky they weren’t sued.

The World Travelers’ club’s second fundraiser was actually a pool party at Chloe’s. She had led the entire event. The weather was still hot. They got Luka and his new band My Shadow’s Wonderland to play; Kitty section had sadly broken up due to Lila’s schemes months before. The club members sold tickets to get in. They also sold food: hot dogs, hamburgers, veggie burgers, ice cream, and funnel cakes. Kagami sold Balloon which caused her friends to do double-takes. Because Kagami knew how to make balloon animals, what in the world? Marinette and Marc did face paint and temp tattoos. Nearly everyone from school showed up. Even Bustier’s class, though they hadn’t seemed to realize The World travelers’ club was hosting. They earned a total of $3101. Marinette had long since learned the greatest trick of the fundraiser; don’t let make it obvious it’s a fundraiser. Make it fun and people would come.

Their third fundraiser happened two weeks later just at the beginning of October. It was Claude’s idea and he called it; “Can you Arcade it?” No laughed but he thought it was hilarious. They had got permission to use the gym to set up a video Gamers’ paradise. He got this idea when he heard the old arcade had finally shut down after Mr. and Mrs. Gladstone had opted to retire. He got the couple to donate the old game machine for a day to help them out. Claude only had to babysit their pet Parakeet for two weeks while they were out of town. Old arcade games line the walls. New games with TV borrowed from the club members were set up with the new game systems. They sold food and anything they thought a gamer would want. Aurore somehow got the local Taco Bell to sponsor the event so ever twenty minutes or so they had a deal with commercial playing in the background. This fundraiser attracted most parents with younger children; though a good percent was just nostalgic dads who ended up playing the games as much as the kids. $1700 was earned; most of it in quarters.

 Their next fundraiser happened at the end of October and it was a haunted house; or rather a haunted school. They teamed up with a few other clubs to put the event together. They didn’t earn that much money; $300 after it was split between the clubs. However, all the kids had a ton of fun.

When November hit, and the weather turned cold, and everyone wanted everything pumpkin spice. (And Bustier’s class first fundraiser was about to happen) Marinette held did her bake sale. She with the help of the other members of the club made all the sweets; for once she didn’t have to get her parents to donate the baked goods. In additional, Marinette and the gang sold handmade little dolls of Ladybug and Chat Noir and the new miraculous heroes that had replaced the last team. The dolls were a big hit. Such a hit that Chloe got the idea of marketing them online for a much better price. The fundraiser earned about $600 bucks which weren’t bad.

Chloe and Marinette started selling the dolls for $10 bucks each plus shipping and handling. Chloe and Marinette made the dolls. The others took care of the shipping part. The

dolls only cost 2 bucks to make, as they were mostly yarn, so they profited 8. Chloe said that was how the business made money.

By the time December hit, they were had raised more half of their overall target goal.

During the fundraisers, each kid used their own influence via social media to get people to go their Go-Fund-me page. Luka and his band, all of who members of the club anyway, used Youtube and Instagram to promote their bands also asked fans to make a donation. Aurore used her Ladybug site Bugout to ask her fans. Ondine did swim training videos did the same. Marc who did drawing tutorial asked too. They didn’t get a lot from; a dollar here, three there, maybe a five if they were lucky but every bit count.

Their next fundraiser was a raffle in one of the empty unsure ballrooms of Chloe’s hotel, and it happened not long before Christmas break. This was spearheaded by Aurore. The strategy was sound; most people were still rushing to get presents. All they have to do was bid on the item they want. She got local businesses to donate. A fancy dinner from one restaurant, a bouquet of roses, expensive perfumes, a massage chair; a bunch of gift cards of various stores. Chloe got her dad to donate two items a spa day and a luxury Spa weekend. Marc offered art lessons. He also auctioned off some of his portraits. Ondine offered swim lessons. Aurore got offered a meet-and-greet with Ladybug, who even showed up to make an appearance. Kagami offered sword fighting lessons. Luka offers guitar lessons. His bandmate, Naomi, offered drum lessons. Another girl, Bridgette offered piano lessons. Marinette offered her usually big-ticket item; a custom design by MDC. The night was a hit. Once again, Marinette’s item was one of the highest bid items of the night. All in all, the kids brought in a total of $4728.

January came and Bustier’s class decided it was time for another fundraiser. Just as the World’s traveler’s club decided it was time for a break. Though they still sold the dolls; which had brought in $1800 since they had started selling them; Ladybug and her crew apparent had fans all over the world. This meant by the time February hit, they had just over $10,000 left to raise and five months to do it. They would leave at the beginning of June. They already paid for all of their plane tickets and paid for their hotel rooms. All their tours booked and paid for. All reservations made. And then reconfirmed by a rather stern Chloe. Passports were bought.

Bustier’s fundraiser idea was once again headed by Alya, the new class president after Lila decline the role as she would be far too busy. Alya decided a raffle would be perfect. The one they did the year before had been amazing. Again, Alya forgot that Marinette and Chloe handled nearly everything which was why it was such a big hit. Alya had to use the school gym.

“It’s not like I’d ask Chloe,” Alya huffed to her boyfriend. “I’m just glad I won’t have to deal with her or Marinette on our trip.”

“You said it, babe,” Nino leaned back in his desk. “No need for that kind of drama.”

The raffle was their most successful fundraiser so far much to Alya smug face when Marinette and Chloe walked into class on Monday.  All the kids in the class participated and offered their own talents for use; offering lessons or gift cards from their parents' businesses. Their biggest hit was a picture and an autograph from Adrien Agreste.

“We raised over a thousand dollars,” Alya crossed her arms. A satisfied look on her face. She had worked hard. They had all worked hard. “Beat that!”

Marinette and Chloe shared a look before they literally fell to the ground laughing. “I can’t!” Chloe gasped for air. “I can’t breathe!”

Marinette struggled to contain herself, “This! I!” She couldn’t even get out the words. She was laughing so hard.

They didn’t even bother to pay the glares they received any attention. It was just too funny.

For the rest of the week, it was the running joke between them. Every now and then, the other students in the class would “Beat that!” And laughter from the back of the room.

February came and the kids decided in anticipation for Valentine ’s Day. They would do a Date Auction. It was Ondine’s idea and it was a huge success. Surprising considering it, it was supposed to be simple and easy and something to get them back into the fundraiser's mood after a month's breath. Most of the kids now had a strong online following and become popular among the youth of Paris for their awesome parties. So when word spread that the World Travelers’ Club was doing a date auction; a lot of students from school showed up. A lot of students from other schools showed up. One girl traveled from England specifically for Luka.

Marinette, followed by Chloe, Then Luka, then Kagami, then Aurore was the highest auctioned date of the night. Claude and Felix were both a little put out. Marc didn’t mind. Mostly because of the best looking guy at the auction bid on him.

All in all, they raised $2100.

The next fundraiser was in March. The spring warm weather had hit in full. Flowers were blooming. The fundraiser was a carnival Luka planned. Everyone set up carnival booths and games and fun prizes. Live music. They had it in on the school soccer field. A lot of parents with their kids showed up, looking for a family-friendly event to enjoy. Total they raised $2421.

Marinette’s dolls brought in an additional $900. Then it was official they only needed 5,000 more.

Bustier’s class tried another fundraiser; a dance party in the school gymnasium; hosted by Nino. They sold tickets to get in, snacks and drinks. They put off filers everywhere and did everything they could to promote the event. They made $750 dollars. And were proud.

 In April, the World travelers’ club did another bake sale and another car wash and a ping pong tournament was a really big hit for some reason. By the end of April, they had met their goals. All loose ends tied up. All the tickets bought. Permissions slip signed.  Four teachers, who were more than excited to volunteer to spend near all-expense-paid vacation in the most popular cities in the world, would be chaperoning. They were done.

By the first Monday of May, Chloe and Marinette breathed a sigh a relief as the stress had finally left their shoulders. The only thing they had to worry about was packing, and they had a month to do it.

The two girls once again arrived to see the smug grins of the classmates' faces. Bustier’s class had been fundraisers like crazy so much so that even the teacher was looking over her students proudly.

“We’ve raised $5,829,” Lila announced. The Italian girl looked smug as she had done al the work. “Fundraising was hard but we did what we had to.”

“Way better then we did under the last class president,” Alya hissed.

Marinette and Chloe looked at each other again. It was Chloe who spoke, “So you’re not going to New York?”

The question caught everyone off guard.

“What?” Alya hissed. “Of course we’re going to New York!”

Marinette sighed, “No, WE” She pointed between her and Chloe, “And the World Traveler’s club is going to New York and a bunch of other places. We raised over $40,000.” Most of the students turned green.

“$40- $40,000,” Nino stuttered. “What? how?”

“We worked hard, like we always,” Chloe flipped her hair. “That was our goal since September. Its how much it would cost to pay for the entire trip. For every member and required chaperones to go. Why? What was your goal?”

It went quiet. Alya spoke next, “Goal?”

           Again, Chloe and Marinette

“Goal,” Marinette nodded. “The amount you needed to fund the entire trip to New York?”

“We didn’t have a goal,” Rose answered.

The two girls stared at them.

“What airline are you using?” Chloe asked. “How much do the tickets cost?”

No answer.

“What hotel are you staying at?”

No answer.

“Did you get your passports yet?”

Nothing.

“Have you made any reservations?” Marinette asked. “Any down payments?” No answered. Just pale faces.

           Chloe just shook her head, “Did you at least get approval from the school board to clear the trip?”

“We need them to approve it?” Kim asked. “Why it’s our trip?”

“Safety and legal concerns,” Marinette said slowly. “It takes weeks to get approved. Permissions slips have to be signed and turned in. Chaperones found.”

“Miss Bustier’s our chaperone,” Mylene said brightly, and the teacher nodded eagerly.

           Marinette fought the urge to scoff. Bustier couldn’t chaperone a ping pong tournament. “Fine but with a class this size, you need at least two more. Maybe three.”

           Chloe crossed her arms, “How were you getting to New York? What were your plans? Did you book any tours? What were you going to do in New York?”

           No one said a word.

           Marinette smirked, “Good on you, I guess. You must have some killer fundraising ideas with only a month and a half until summer break.” She sighed. “I couldn’t do it myself. Way too much stress. The World Traveler’s club was killing ourselves since September to get everything done.”

“September,” Rose gasped. “Really.” She deflated. “We didn’t start till November, and the car wash was pretty bad.” There were nods.

“Yep,” Chloe said. “I think we did about fifteen or more fundraisers. Little ones and big ones. How many did you guys do?”

           Nino frowned, “Five.”

“We worked really hard, though!” Alix slammed her fist on the desk. “Nothing worked.”

           Marinette and Chloe shared another look.

“Shame,” Marinette said as they glided to their seats.

“Last year, the class did so well,” Chloe smirked. “Wonder what changed?”

“Nothing!” Alya shouted. “We did the same thing we do every year. Bake Sale, car wash, Raffle, Dance Party; everything!

           There were nods.

“It’s not fair!”

“We didn’t do anything wrong.”

           There more shouts and complaints.

           Bustier calmed everyone down, “Now class, let’s not give up hope. Our trip last year was a success. And I know we can pull it off again. What did we do then that we aren’t doing now?”

           The class went silent as they thought up what they were doing wrong. Surprisingly, it was Juleka who answered, “Marinette did most of the organizing,” She whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear; one of the few brave things she did all year. “Her and Chloe come up with all the fundraiser ideas and they plan them out too. They always did; every year.”

“This year they didn’t,” Rose frowned.

           And just like that, it was like that, it was like a balloon burst inside the students.

“They always plan the best fundraisers,” Kim frowned. “And we always met our goals.”

           Lila glared. She didn’t think that when she convinced the class to kick the girls off the trip that they’d be getting rid of anyone who did any real work. However, the glare quickly turned into a frown with a few crocodile tears, “Then we didn’t they help us? We needed them obviously.”

           Before any of the other students could direct their anger to the girls at their betrayal, Nino shrugged, “Because we told them they couldn’t come with us, remember? So they didn’t help out. They told us they wouldn’t. Why should they? It wasn’t their trip.”

           Frustration and rage built inside Alya. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. The class should’ve been headed to a glamorous trip to New York, with Marinette and Chloe left to suffer alone in Paris wishing they had been invited. Where was justice?

“I bet you're happy!” Alya growled at her ex-friend. “Our trip is ruined thanks to you.”

           Marinette smirked, “No. I didn’t do anything. I was and am in no way involved with your class trip. Just like you wanted.”

“You could’ve helped us!” Alix yelled.

“Why?” Chloe asked.

           Silence.

“You made it clear we couldn’t go to New York with you,” Chloe said. “Why would we help you? It’s not like we’re friends with you.”

           Angry eyes and red faces filled the classroom. No one wanted to admit that they got themselves into trouble.

           Alya had to be held back in her chair by Nino, “You could’ve warned me how hard being class president was. Or what we needed to do to go on the trip. But you didn’t care about us. You don’t think about us at all.”

           Marinette leaned back in her seat, an easy smile on her face, with frost in her eyes, “Sweetie, I haven’t thought any of you for months.”

           Before anyone could say anything else. Bustier decided to try to take control again, “Marinette, Chloe; there must be something you can do. Maybe the class can tag along on your trip.”

           Hopeful expressions overtook the students' faces.

           Both girls looked at the teacher like she was stupid.

“Even if that was possible,” Chloe narrowed her eyes. “And it’s not. We had everything booked for months, reservations made. How will they pay for it? We only raised enough for the World Travelers’ Club.”

           It was Adrien who answered, “Can’t you do something?” He said with hopeful eyes. “Our friends are really looking forward to it.”

“No.” Marinette snapped. “They are not my friends. And even if they were, it would take another 40 grand to get everyone in class on the trip. There’s no time to get that type of cash. Even if there was, it would still be weeks to get School board approval. The World Travelers’ leave on the first. There’s nothing to do.”

“We’re not risking our trip for yours,” Chloe and Marinette chimed together, looking very much like the Ice Queens the students had called them behind their backs.

           That was that. Alya and the other students would shoot glares at the two girls, and make mean comments for the next month; mostly about them being selfish. The girls didn’t pay them any mind. Lila tried to join the World Travelers’ club at the last minute, only to be unanimously told to come back in September. Damocles, at the urgency of Lila and Alya, tried to intervene and stop the trip the ground, it wouldn’t be safe. Boy, was he surprised when the school board called him into a meet to speak about his future employment and the rampant bullying and oversight that had been going on in the school.

           Bustier’s class ended up going to Disney World Paris for the weekend, before the end of May. And posted tons of videos, most of which had comments about getting away from bullies and the drama of the class.

           The World Travelers’ Club left on schedule on June 1st. They would return for two months.

           The pictures they posted was the talk of the school. Which was saying something since the school wasn’t even in session. The first pictures were of the grand hotels they stayed at, the amazing strange American food they ate. Carne Asada fries, yum!

           In Los Angelus, the club toured Warner Brothers studios and ran into the cast of the new Star Trek movies. They attended the world premiere of the Joss Weadon Superhero movie. They got all the classic tourist pictures of Los Angeles. Though Marinette and Chloe, when they had explored by themselves, ended up running into the Rock and had a picture of themselves hanging from his biceps as he posed.

           Their next stop was Star City. They toured the local museum, toured Queen Industries, met Oliver Queen himself. Then they even got to meet the Green Arrow.

           Alya nearly broke her phone when she saw Aurore and the superhero.

           After that, the Club went to Central city where they visited Star Labs.  It was Aurore’s idea. It was the most meta-filled city in the world; known for the most outrageous heroes and rogues in the world.

           It didn’t take long for the club to run into the flash, in this case, he was fighting against Captain Cold, Heatwave, and the rest of the rogues.

           The fight wasn’t favoring either side. But the class watched eagerly from where they stood on the sidewalk.

           They had to duck quickly when Captain cold was blasted into the wall next to them.

           Leonard Snart was surprised when a young girl helped him up. He looked and saw a bunch of kids standing there, torn between watching him and watching the fight.

“Are you okay, Mr. Cold?” She asked, with a heavy French accent, her blue eyes big with worry.

“…Fine, kid,” He answered. “Shouldn’t you lot being running off.”

           The bluenette and the blond girl next to her shared a look.

“Can we get a picture?” The Bluenette asked.

           Leonard Snart paused, “…Sure.” There was, in fact, a first time for everything.

           The kids cheered. And each one started scrambled with their phones to get their picture. It wasn’t long before Heatwave showed up to see what was wrong, only to be pulled in by a push blond to take pictures as well.

           That was when the flash Showed up but Aurore quickly pulled him into an interview. Slowly but surely, the rogues and the team flash found themselves entertaining and signing autographs for a bunch of French kids; answering all their questions and telling stories.

           Later when Aurore and the rest posted their pictures, and the interview with the Flash and his rogues, Alya did break her phone. As far as she was concerned life was fair.

           In metropolis, They met Superman, Supergirl, Krypton (the former superboy), and the new Superboy. Superman had heard from the other league members of the French class touring different cities and how great they were.

           They toured the Daily Planet and Aurore got one on one time with Lois Lane. They got to see LexCorp and had a tour given by Lex Luthor himself. Lex had heard about the class from Queen and Wells, the CEOs of Star Labs and Queen industries, and decided one-up his competition in any way he could

           Then the kids' wen to Gotham. The pictures from that trip made half the kids in Bustiers’ class cry. The best pictures were of Marinette sitting in the Batmobile; Batman looking stern next to her. The ones of the club with Bruce Wayne and his kids were pretty epic too.

           Finally, their lasts destination was New York City. And the kids saw everything. They did the entire tourist thing; The statue of liberty, times Square, New York Times. Everything. However, the highlight was the tour of Stark Tower/Industries; led by Tony Stark, with Pepper to manage him.  Because Tony Stark didn’t get one-upped by Lex Luthor or Bruce Wayne. Then the kids took a surprise trip to the Avengers compound.

           Marinette and Chloe decided walking into the training room only to see Captain America, Thor, and Bucky Barnes working out with their shirts off was the best part of the entire trip.

           Pictures and videos were taken of each member of the club holding various Avenger weapons. Chloe refused to admit her hand trembled when she was given over Captain America’s shield.

           The funniest video was supposed to be each member of the World Travels’ club struggling to pick up Thor’s hammer. It was pretty funny. Until Marinette lift it like it weighed nothing. Mouths dropped. The Avengers were stunned. Who was this small bluenette worthy of Thor’s hammer?

Then Thor shouted that Marinette would come to Asgard with him.

           Then Tony had to tell Thor that he couldn’t kidnap kids.

           To which Thor said, “What about Peter? Where did he come from?”

“I’m his mentor,” Tony groaned.

           Thor nodded, “Then I shall be the girl’s mentor. The Captain shall train young Chloe. Natasha will have Kagami as they are suited for each other; mostly because they strike fear in hearts everyone. Pepper will get Aurore; as they were meant to rule. Hawkeye will get Claude. The Soldier of Winter will get young Luka. You shall have Peter. The rest will be divided among the rest of the avengers. There. All done.”

           A moment of silence, and then Tony yelled, “That’s not how this works.”

           It was all on video.

           It went viral in an hour.

           Marinette had to portal back to Paris to deal with several different Akumas several different times; most were just about jealousy.

           When the kids returned to Paris. They wasted no time relaying the stories of their adventures.

           When September came and school started. Marinette and Chloe once again walked into class together, with smiles on their faces, only to meet glum looks on the students' faces. They paid no mind as they headed back to their seats in the back.

           Before class could begin, Rose approached them, a hopeful smile on her face, “Marinette, Chloe; we were hoping you’d come with us on your next trip.” Her smile widened “And Marinette, maybe you’d like to be class president again.”

           None of the other students looked happy at the idea but all of them could admit that the World Travelers’ club had been amazing. And if they ever wanted another great trip, they had no choice but to deal with the Ice Queens.

           Marinette and Chloe shared a look and then shot the class cold smirks, “No!”

“We’ll be far too busy,” Chloe smiled, coolness in her tone. “We decided we can no longer want to go on any more class trips. With you.”

“The World Travelers’ club takes a lot of work,” Marinette added.

“Good Luck though,” The two girls chimed together. “You have plenty of time to fundraise though.”

“A little less than a year,” Chloe said. “Our club starts planning in about two weeks. We’ll start fundraising right after. We’re thinking about Japan. Luckily this trip won’t be as expensive as our last.”

“Good luck with your trip though,” Marinette leaned back in her seat. “Who knows? If your lucky, it’ll be as fun as your last one. We know you worked so hard. Earned over $5,000 right?”

“Beat that!” Chloe added.

Then both girls burst into laughter.

Marinette wiped her eyes, “Besides you don’t want us there on your trip.”

“Too much Drama, right?” Chloe offered.

           The bell rang. And the class’ resident ice queens sat in back with smiles on their faces and ice in their eyes.

[jeromesxreader16]

Such a Joker (53)

Part 52 Here!

~o0o~

I pack two sandwiches in my purse and proceed to cover my hair with the large silk scarf. "Where are you sneaking off to?" Babs asks walking past me and downing a drink. "Secret date? I figured you would get sick of the pale faced clown." I smile at my hands. I could never tire of my boy. I'm as crazy as him, maybe more, but he would never turn me away, and I could never leave him.

"I'm married." "Even better." I narrow my eyes at her. "Babs, I'm going to see my dad." She widens her eyes. "Now you're asking for a death wish." I walk out the door, my heels clicking every step. "If you say so."

I walk into the GCPD and can sense the chaos and tension thickly canned in the air. Not seconds later two individuals start brawling over bread. "Hey! Break it up!" My father pushes them back. "For all the new people here... everyone is welcome in Haven, but there are rules. And one of them is we leave the fighting outside. Government already thinks we don't deserve help. We have to show otherwise. Gangs want to tear themselves apart outside, that's their business. In here, in Haven... we help each other survive."  I hum with a slick smile as the two dispute the issue and the tension falls. Saved for another day.

I walk up to him nudging his arm. "Nice speech. I think it worked." He turns to me and gasps, but recovers quickly. "(Y/n). You're so big. No... Just-" "Pregnant, dad." He nods smiling. "So what happens when they find out the government abandoned them?" He sighs, shaking his head. I pat his back. "Come on paper man. You need some real food." I pull him into his office and remove the disguise. "Italian sub for you, and tuna for me." "You hate tuna." I smile sitting down. "They don't." I pat my swollen tummy. "So there are two of them?" I nod smiling.

"And you're happy? He treats you well?" I nod again smiling at him. "Of course he does. He's not a monster, dad." He grabs my hand over the desk and squeezes it. "I don't... like him. You know this. He destroyed the damn city for christ's sake, but he is the father of my grandchildren, and the husband of my only daughter, so I can promise you... I will never kill him." I kiss his hand and smile. "Who knew that'd be so comforting to hear."

~

I walk into the elevator with the smile ghosted over my lips. Crackling from the speaker erupts my mind causing me to shake and grab the wall in fright. "Aw, honey, I'm sorry." Ecco's voice pipes up from the speaker. I wave my hand in front of the camera with a smile. "No worries. All good here." I laugh placing a hand on my stomach. "Where is Jerimiah?" "Working down below. Would you like me to get him?" I smile up at the camera. "Let me go down."

"Uh... Miss, I think we should wait. He doesn't want you around the-" I press the button to the bottom floor faster than light. "Oops," I smirk up to Ecco as the elevator skips the main floor and descends below.

The two doors slide open revealing a steamed room with the funk of hard labor. I step on the uneven ground and see Jerimiah fanning himself as he watches his workers. I rest my hands on his shoulders and kiss his cheek. "You're working hard." He spins around with a glare. "And you're not supposed to be here." He grips my hips pulling me towards him.

"I missed you." I nuzzle into his chest. He hums as we rock back and forth. "I missed you, my love. Come on. No lady should be exposed to this heat." He places his hand on the small of my back leading me to the elevator.

Holding me the entire way up and then carrying me to our bed, never letting us go. "Are my darlings all suggled up?" He asks resting my head on his chest. The icy colored flesh proving wrong to the touch of fire on my fingers. "Yes, Jer." I mumble feeling my eyes draw to a close. "Never will I go a day without my family... even your father." He kisses my head before I can ask the question.

~

Jeremiah POV:

My workers work endlessly day and night to break the walls of the under the earth. Slowing down each day, getting on my nerves in the end. You're pushing my men way too hard. "We're not gonna break through for at least a couple more days. There is absolutely no way to make it on schedule." The leader of the pack of sweat cogs comes in.

My wife doesn't need to be kept in this filth any longer. How dare he disrespect my future.  "Well, not with that attitude, you're not." I slice the man's throat, as he falls to the ground, blood flowing on the dirt.

"Now... everyone... let's reach inside and dig... a little deeper, shall we? 'Cause that's the only way you're all making it out of this hole." I hum watching their fear thicken.

Two taps on my shoulder break my gaze from the project. "Oh, Echo. Are these all the recruits?" Skinny, no brains, slim Whitted. These are my soldiers?

"Well, I thought you would want quality over quantity. Not everybody can pass a .38 caliber test of faith." I smirk thinking of the trials and tests they've suffered.  "Yes... you certainly have set a very high bar for devotion."

"Oh. Almost forgot. Bruce Wayne and his sidekick Curls... Or is he the sidekick? Anyway, they tried to infiltrate our little operation here."

"Oh?" " Oh. And Curls can walk, really well, especially... for a paraplegic. Ah. And she wants to kill you." I glare at her with a snarl. This doesn't help that my wife is being cared for in the same building.

"A lot, FYI. If I see her, I'll give you a shout. Oh... and kill her." I nod rolling my eyes. Finish the job and move on for the better of my wife and children.

~

I walk into the GCPD questioning room with my scarf wrapped around my head, and my belly protruding out. Quite the look I must say. I open the door to see Victor Zsasz pushed on to the table by Harvey.

"Ow. This is a really nice table." I snicker and take my glasses off. "You do realize her thrives on the pain." The three pairs of eyes look at me.  "We got a dozen witnesses that saw you walk out of that building before it went kabooey."

"Yeah. I heard some gangs had taken over." Zsasz says turning his eyes to me.  "Figured, with you guys occupied, I might help myself to some of your supplies. Hey, do you guys have any canned peaches? Man, I'd trade an arm and a leg for that right now. Not mine, somebody else's. Maybe little baby Maniax's." He laughs reaching for my stomach before Jim swats his arm down.

"If you're innocent, why shoot up a city block full of cops?"

"Because it was full of cops." Zsasz and I say at the same time.

"Who were also trying to shoot me. And, guys, those were warning shots. I mean, if I really

wanted to kill you... you'd be dead. You got a pen? I want to write this guy a thank-you letter. Do the math. If I blew up a building full of people, I would have covered

every inch of my body in sweet, sweet scars. Mrs. Valeska...  want to do a strip search?" He winks before my father punches him. "She's married, pig."

I lock arms with my dad and walk through the station. "Got Lucius on the horn for you, Cap."

"Lucius, talk to me." I grab the phone holding it close enough for the both of us to hear. "Haven wasn't destroyed by a bomb. It was an RPG, like the one that took down the chopper."

"You sure?"

I'm holding what's left of it in my hand right now. We found pieces of it in the rubble. It was fired through the basement window, detonated the fuel oil tank. And we're still trying to figure out exactly which rooftop it was fired from.

"Rooftop?"

"Yes."

"Dad, the only angle you could hit this place from is above. Zsasz was on the ground. Looks like you need a new suspect. I think we need to-"

"Jim! Ah. I know the wheels of justice turn slowly, so I'm here to provide- a modicum of grease."

Rushing up towards the front, Oswald, the Mayor of fallen Gotham, stands tall and proud.

"You need to leave right now."

"Still claiming he's innocent, is he?"

"Yes. And as much as I hate to admit it, the evidence is backing him up."

Harvey busts out, "What the hell's going on?" "Harvey, according to Lucius, Zsasz couldn't have done it."

Oswald huffs with a smile. "I did not expect you to go soft, Jim. Actually, I did. Behind a grandpa and all must've changed your ways. Which is why I didn't come alone." Several gunmen come out armed and ready to fire. My father huddles me close and shields me from the view of guns.

"Bring me Victor Zsasz!"

"Leave, (Y/n). Go home!" Jim pushes me away towards the doors.

~

Jeremiah POV:

I wave my hat fanning my pale skin placed upon the crippling bones. It's so damp and hot in here, but I'm freezing. My heart has gone cold without her scent around. Not a touch, not a wiff, not a glace for days it seems. Where is my angel with my bundles of joy?

"You see, a river cuts through rock not because of its power, but because of its persistence. So what do we do when we feel like giving up? Dig a little deeper. And what do we do when we can't possibly go on any longer? Dig a little deeper. And what do we..." A sharp blade stabs into my side crippling my speech. I look down seeing the masked figure in the striped coat. I gasp feeling my footing slide as the attacker shoves the blade into my stomach further.

"Deep enough?" The individual removes the mask revealing the little pussy of them all. "Well, Selina, I must say..." She pulls the blade out plunging it back in sharply.

"Don't say anything." Over and over again the blade is shoved into my side. The light dimming, the hot steam hitting my brow, the devilish laughter of my brother. This is near my end? Maybe so...

"Selina!" The rat is stripped away from me causing me to fall to the ground barely clinging to the life of happiness I have.

"Selina!" Bruce Wayne holds the fierce kitty back. "Stop. It's done! It's over."

~

The building is quiet. The entire place is quiet... Not one swing of an ax hitting limestone, making a light clink sound. Not the ring of my husbands voice calling to his men. Not even Echo meeting me at the door with my slippers and milkshake. Something is not right.

"Jeremiah?" I call out as if he could hear me from below. If not him then someone. One of the members at least, but no one came. I proceeded to enter the elevator only to see blood on the buttons and floor. They were having the graduation today, not everyone makes it.

The doors  open to the pool room and I could almost drop to my knees at the smell. Thick scent of blood coating the walls. I walk out of the elevator and down into the pool counting the dead. No Echo or Jeremiah. Good so far.

I make my way down to the tunnels where silence has taken over. Just a simple lone man sitting in a chair. "Where is Jermiah?" I panic pulling my jacket closer. Could he have left me?

"Mrs. Valaska!" "Where is my husband?" "He's off in the tunnels. He's got injured. I'm supposed to take you to him." "Well, go on!" He shuffles his feet in a pace of nervousness, tripping over rocks and pickaxes. "How did he get hurt?" "Someone came in and just stabbed the boss. She was taken away by Bruce Wayne." I feel fire ignite in my blood. Selina and Bruce. What a treat. Trying to kill my husband in my own home.

Down the tunnels I hear him. Groaning in pain as Echo stitches him up. "How could you let this happen?" I shout at her. "She was fast." "And you're supposed to be faster." I glare at her as she cowers at my words.

"Don't stress, darling. It's not good for the babies."

"Jeremiah." I kneel down next to him grabbing his face. "Are you alright?" He places his hands over mine, kissing them each. "I'm still alive. One thing I've still got on my brother. How are you, my love? I'm sorry. You must've been wrecked with worry." Jeremiah pulls me into his lap. I nod with my bottom lip out. "Yes, I was. I was so scared, Jer." He pulls me to him. "Aw my darling. I know. I know."

I shift my weight slightly causing him to jet in a sharp inhale. "Oh, honey. Stitches still sore?" He nods. "Never would have happened if you wore that armor I prepared." Echo hums, causing me to roll my eyes. "That bullet makes you sentimental of the wrong things." I huff out pushing her out of the view.

"Why would you not check who was working? You always do. You're always prepared." Jeremiah places his hand on my cheek again. "I had to let Selina thrust the knife into my flesh at least once. Verisimilitude trumps precaution, you see." "They think you're dead." I think putting everything together.

Echo stands to the side bouncing with information. "What is it?" She giggles jumping on her heels. "All systems go." Jeremiah lifts himself, placing a hand on the small of my back and leading us along behind Echo.

"You could've died." I whisper looking at the dirt. "I didn't." "But you could have, Jeremiah. That's my point. You have two children growing, and soon they'll be out in this world. They need their father. You've kept me safely away, but that won't mean shit if you're not around to protect your children." I move ahead of him in a fit of fire.

A hand grabs my shoulder spinning me around. Jerehimah dips me and pushes our lips together. His grip on my arm and hip so tight, keeping me pulled to him with no fight. He pulls away only an inch, looking at my eyes, looking into the soul. "Now, you may not understand everything I do, but I do it for you and these two kids. I think and I plan for hours. You sit up in the bed resting your feet like I tell you. When you start questioning if I'm going to make it, that's when this will fall apart. You're my darling. You've been mine for thousands of years. Never doubt me, (Y/n)." He places his hands on my stomach and pecks my forehead. "Come along now. We have things to do."

Leading me through the tunnels I start to see less of the dirt and more solid grey rock already formed into tunnels. "Where are we?" Jeremiah giggles pulling me alongside.

"Doctor. I'm hearing good things." Jeremiah says holding in laughter.

What is he up to?

The Doctor nods. "The bandages are ready to come off. Your assistant thought you'd like to see the results." Echo shakes her head in praise like a dog while Jer nods his head. "Indeed, I would."

He turns to me. "You won't want to miss this, (y/n)."

The Doctor unravels the bandages on the individuals faces revealing a profile built from professional lifestyle and diets. This is Thomas and Martha Wayne before my eyes... ALIVE!

"Oh, you two look beautiful." I smile looking down at her pearl necklace. "Down to the very detail with you." Jeremiah kisses my cheek. "I love family reunions, don't you?" "More than Christmas!" I cheer and giggle.

[sierraraeck]

Dancing, Drugs, and Lies (Pt.1)

BAU x OC Aundreya

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

(This is my gif so please give credit if used)

Summary: Morgan’s cousin is in danger. Aundreya decides to use some of her ‘special talents’ to help the team find her. Story seven.

Category: Working a case with the team. A bit angsty, I guess.

Warnings: Cussing. Drugs. Implied drug abuse. Normal CM gore and situations.

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: Just a reminder that this is all fiction and I don’t actually know about drugs or exotic dancers. Also, I didn’t want this to be 3 parts, but Tumblr told me that I can’t have more than 250 text blocks so … here we are.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

It was 3am. Three. Fricking. AM. And I was getting a call. I had finally gotten my brain to shut off for the best quality sleep of which I was capable not even two hours earlier, and I was getting a damn phone call.

“What?” I answered, my voice groggy and annoyed.

“We need you here, right now. Morgan’s cousin is missing.”

That was all I needed to snap me right out of my complainey mood. I was already out of bed and felt wide awake when answering, “I’m on my way.”

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

When I got to the office, everyone except for JJ and Rossi were there waiting.

“Aundreya,” Penelope said.

“Hi, I came as quickly as possible, what’s happening?”

“Morgan’s sister came to him saying that his cousin never returned home last night. She went to check her apartment and called her several times and nothing.”

“What about her phone? Can you track it?”

“I already tried but it was left at her apartment.”

“And there are no other places around that she spends a lot of time at?” I asked.

“No. If there are, no one knows about them,” Penelope answered. I saw Morgan standing a few feet away and I walked over to him.

No one wants to be asked how they’re doing, so I opted for, “Hey, we’re going to do everything we can to find her, okay.” He was clearly distressed, a hand on his head and he was slouching, something our big brave Morgan hardly ever did.

He met my eyes. “I don’t know what to do. Sarah and I split up and looked for her, Garcia tracked her phone, and none of us know where she was or should have been, or what she was doing.” He was trying to keep it together, but I could hear the panicked undertone.

“Okay, good to know what we can rule out. Do we have a picture of her that we can put out?”

“Yes,” JJ interjected. She and Rossi had just arrived. “I’m going to have Garcia get one out.” I nodded.

I placed a hand on Derek’s shoulder and looked straight into his eyes, “We’re going to find her.” That was a promise I intended to keep. No matter what. I walked back toward the rest of the group to see if there was any new information.

“Hey, how’d you get here so fast?” Rossi asked.

“I came as quickly as possible.”

“You live farther away from here than I do.”

“I said I came as quickly as possible.” I shrugged and he raised his eyebrows at me.

“I’m letting this go, only because we have more pressing issues.”

“I think that’s a good plan,” I agreed. I love Rossi, but sometimes he felt like a parole officer. Leave it to him to put together that I sped about 30 over to get here in under 10.

“Okay, we sent out a picture of her to the media as a missing person,” JJ said, rushing back into the room. I checked my phone and all the air inside me abruptly escaped once I saw the picture. I know her.

“I know her. I literally saw her last night,” I blurted before I could even think about what I was saying.

“Wait what? You saw my cousin last night?” Derek asked, chiming into the conversation.

“Yeah. Morgan, what does your cousin do for a living?” I wanted to be sure that this was the same person before I let on any more.

He looked perplexed, but answered anyway. “She’s a finance consultant.”

“During the day,” I mumbled.

“What? What are you saying?” Derek was on a short fuse and I was going to have to remember that.

“I’m saying that at night, she works in a strip club.” Everyone’s faces contorted around me into a variety of different emotions.

“How do you know that?” Emily asked.

“I went out for a walk last night-”

“Last night as in 24 hours ago, or tonight as in 5 hours ago?”

“Last night. I went for a walk because I couldn’t sleep and needed some fresh air. I walked by a strip club and saw her exiting it in a nice robe and I could tell she was wearing some dancing outfit underneath,” I said. It actually sounded like a pretty plausible story, but I still got skeptical looks from people.

“That had to have been just before she went missing,” JJ said.

“How do you even know it was her?” Morgan asked.

I held up my phone with her picture as if that was the answer. He was looking for more, though, so I simply stated, “I recognized her photo.”

“So if she’s been working at a strip club, that makes her a higher risk victim,” Prentiss said.

“Sure, but there are specific rules outlined for dancers. They do what they get paid for, and only what they get paid for. I don’t know a single dancer that would allow herself to go home with a customer,” I said. I gained more weary looks.

“So you don’t think there is any chance that she got abducted from the club or from outside of it maybe?” JJ asked.

“It’s highly unlikely.”

“But it’s possible?” Morgan asked.

“Yes. It’s possible. But if that is the case, this guy is super sophisticated. He’d have to get around all of the security cameras,” I answered.

“I’ll go check those now. What club?” Penelope asked.

“The Camelot,” I answered. She nodded and rushed as fast as she could in her nearly six inch heels to her bat cave.

“I can’t believe this,” Morgan said. It was Rossi’s turn to console, and I turned to follow Garcia to see if there was any way I could help her go through the footage. On my way, a familiar hand grabbed my arm and spun me around.

“You weren’t on a walk,” Spencer stated, confusion and, even a bit of anger, in his voice.

“Yes, I was.”

“What time did you leave?”

“11:25ish.”

“How far did you walk?”

“Down a few blocks and back.”

“What time did you get home?”

I did some quick math. “12:10.”

He studied my body language, trying to spot anything that would indicate otherwise.

“Why would you go walking by yourself at midnight?”

“I told you. I couldn’t sleep and needed some fresh air. Don’t worry, I had my gun with me,” I said. That part wasn’t a lie. I did in fact bring my gun.

“Fine.” He released my arm and stood there staring at me. I returned his gaze for a couple of moments before continuing my path to Garcia. Of course Spencer would decide to fact check my story for any inconsistencies.

The FBI hired me, which was great and all, but it wasn’t exactly like they were paying me. Kind of, but not really. I was as close to a volunteer as the FBI could manage. However, I needed extra money, just a little something that I could have for a rainy day. The best way I could think to achieve that goal, was to revert back to my old ways. My really old ways. Before I was thrown in prison, while I was in the gang and running the ring, I was dancing. I had been since the moment I landed on the streets. My stage name, and the one the ring came to call me by, was Alionth. I became one of the most well known dancers in the entire Chicago area, and even got prospects from clubs all around the nation. Once I got out of prison, it wasn’t that difficult for me to persuade the owners of certain clubs to let me ‘guest star’ here and there when I was available. One of those clubs was the Camelot. They allowed me to pop in on short notice (since I never knew when we’d close a case), and shift around their dance schedule. Of course, having me back drew more attention to that club, but my sketchy schedule actually worked in their favor. The manager said that they had more guys coming in, hoping to land on the right night that I’d be there. It kept customers in suspense and coming back for more. And they paid me really well.

Morgan’s cousin, Cinthia, or Thia as we knew her, was one of the girls that I worked with. She was there the night before and I saw her walk into a private showing room. After that, I don’t remember seeing her. I assumed she had just finished the dance and went home. Based on what Garcia found, or more like what she didn’t find, that wasn’t the case.

“Riiiiiight … there! Did you see it?” she asked me. There was a portion of the outside security footage that started over. The scene barely faltered, but with someone as good as Garcia, barely wasn’t enough to protect them.

“Yeah, I do,” I said. “This is not good.”

I returned to the rest of the team to give them the information.

“So this guy is sophisticated enough to hack into the feed and set it on a loop before he abducts the women,” Emily confirmed.

“Or worse. Someone on the inside is helping him change the footage,” I offered. Neither one was a good scenario.

“Chambers, Prentiss, why don’t you go down there and see if you can get anyone to talk,” Hotch ordered. Prentiss nodded at me and I followed her lead out to the elevator. Hopefully, without my wig and elaborate outfits, the girls wouldn’t recognize me.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

We entered the club and it was strange being there at 4am. I was usually out of there at 2 or 2:30 at the latest, so I never knew how it looked when it was more calm. There were about a third of the people there than during the busy hours, but luckily I still saw some girls that we could talk to. We approached them and I recognized them immediately. They were the two new girls who unfortunately had to work the crappy hours until they moved up the ranks. Steph had huge, curly blonde hair and Heidi had short black waves.

“Hi, I’m Emily and this is Aundreya. Could we speak with you for a moment?” Preniss asked. I was definitely going to let her take the lead on this one. I wanted to stay as inconspicuous to both parties as possible.

“What for?” Steph asked.

“We were just wanting to ask you about a woman who works here, Cindi Burns?” Prentiss held out the photo to them.

“I don’t know a Cindi, but the girl you’re showing me is Thia. She works here,” Heidi answered.

“Okay, well have you seen Thia recently?” Prentiss pressed.

They both just shook their heads. “Why?”

“She’s been reported missing.”

“Missing? By who, I thought Thia didn’t have anyone,” Heidi asked.

“Her cousin.”

“Oh damn. We didn’t see her last night. Sorry,” Steph said. Both of them turned to walk away and that’s how I knew something was up. Most of us stuck together, and were concerned when we heard about something happening to one of us. Not only because we cared, but because we knew there was a likelihood that we could be next.

“Was she with someone?” I asked.

They slowly turned around to look at me, sizing me up.

“Don’t think so. Sorry, we don’t know anything.” Lies, more lies. I shot Emily a look. She’d caught it too. I tilted my head in the opposite direction of the girls, asking her to let me talk to them alone. She arched an eyebrow.

“Trust me,” I said. She complied and walked away. I chased after the girls.

“Please,” I called after them, “She is in trouble and I know you know what’s going on.”

They ignored me.

“Look, we don’t have a problem but we could depending on if and how you answer these next questions,” I threatened. That’s when they heard it. The sass in my voice that was always more amplified when I was here, playing my character.

Both of their heads whipped around. “There’s no way.”

“Steph, Heidi-”

“Alionth?” they screeched and tossed their arms around me.

“It’s me,” I confirmed.

“What the hell are you doing with the police?” Steph asked.

“I know the cousin who reported Thia missing. Somehow I never put together that they were related,” I said, avoiding their real question.

“Oh wow. Small world,” Heidi said.

“Yeah. So she didn’t show last night?”

“No. She was supposed to, but she never came,” Heidi answered.

“Do you have any idea what happened to her?”

“I mean, I saw her go into the private room with that guy, but after that, nothing.”

“Have you ever seen that man before? Could you describe him?”

“Not really. It was dark,” Heidi said.

“No, but I’ve seen him before. Well, I didn’t recognize his face, but he was wearing a long trench coat that I’ve seen before,” Steph said.

I was about to ask if there was anything about the coat that stood out when a girl came stumbling out of the bathroom. “Help,” she croaked.

Prentiss and I rushed over to her.

“I tried to stop it,” she said. Her breathing was labored and she didn’t look familiar.

“Tried to stop what?” I asked.

“I tried. I tried. He did it again.” She wasn’t making any sense and she looked high.

“Who? Who’s he?” I pushed.

“The guy in the coat.” She started coughing, then collapsed.

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

She woke up in the hospital dazed and confused. I stayed with her while Prentiss went back to report to the team and assist them with whatever else they needed.

“What happened?” she asked.

“You collapsed after we found you in the Camelot. You were high,” I told her. Once we got her to the hospital and she was stable, we looked through her clothes and found a small bag full of a white powder. The lab was running it to figure out what it was. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Amanda. I dance at the gentlemen’s club a few blocks away. Who are you?”

“I’m Agent Chambers-”

“Agent?”

“Yes. We are investigating the disappearance of-”

“Multiple women in the area?” she finished eagerly.

“No, actually. Just the disappearance of Cindi Burns, also known as Thia.”

“What? No,” she quickly became irritated. “This has been happening to exotic dancers all over the city.”

“What? How do you know this?”

“I’ve been tracking it. I bounce around a lot between clubs, and that’s when I realized that I kept seeing the same man. That doesn’t seem like a big deal, men go to multiple clubs, right? But it is weird if he wears the same exact coat each time he comes, and each time, he asks for a private dance with one of our girls, and then that very same girl goes missing the next day.” I was impressed at how observant she was. There’s a lot going on in a club, so most girls just tune it out and only focus on what they’re doing.

“Wow. How long has this been going on?”

“Probably four or five months. No one is looking for these girls because most of them don’t have people who are looking out for them. I tried telling the police but they brushed them off as run-aways.” She was very passionate, and I respected her dedication.

“Do you want to do something in law enforcement when you graduate?” I asked. Her eyes went wide and I knew I was right.

“Yes. How did you know that?” she asked in wonder.

“I’m with the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. It’s part of my job,” I smiled. These girls didn’t hear it enough that needing financial help to get them through college was acceptable, that what they were doing was an acceptable form of secondary income to get them a higher education. “You seem like you’d be a great addition to the system.”

“Thanks. You’re literally my age, how is it possible that you are already working in a top unit of the FBI?” Her excitement quickly diminished. “You’re probably looking at me and wondering what in the hell I’m doing.”

“No, actually. I’ve been where you are. Actually, I still am where you are. I dance at the Camelot occasionally.” Amanda looked at me bewildered, but it brought light to her eyes.

“You work for the FBI and dance?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Must be. What are you going to do about this?”

“Can I ask you a few more questions?”

“Absolutely. What do you need to know?” It gave me hope that this woman was so invested in helping.

“Walk me through what happened and what you remember.”

She told me that she’d gone for a ‘smoke break’ around midnight because that’s when the man usually showed up at the club. She looked around for him but never saw him. Amanda had only ever seen him at three of the five clubs she worked at, so she called the other two to ask them if a man like that was there. When the Camelot told her that someone there matched her description of him, she hailed a cab and drove over. When she arrived, she went straight to the private rooms, and found him forcing a girl to take drugs. When he saw her, he panicked and yanked her into the room and forced her to take the drugs as well. They immediately kicked in, she recalled, but she had enough wits about her to keep hold of the bag because the drug was nothing she recognized. She finally came-to in the bathroom, but by then, Thia was already gone and Prentiss and I had arrived.

I called Aaron and relayed the information.

“She messed up his routine and he panicked, causing him to get sloppy,” he told me.

“Yeah, but that means he might accelerate, which means …” I didn’t want to say it.

“I know. Hopefully we’ll get the toxicology report back soon so we can narrow down our search based on whatever drugs are in that bag,” he said, still trying to stay positive, even though deep down he knew this didn’t look good.

“How’s Morgan?”

“As expected. See if Amanda remembers anything else, then head back here.”

“Will do.”

Part 2

[ashleyspinelliburnbook]

S1E8: The Pest/The Legend of Big Kid

It’s a happy day, because we have been gifted both a Gretchen episode and a TJ episode! But it’s also a very fraught day, emotionally, for reasons you’ll soon discover. (There’s a good kicker, at least, for your trouble. No spoilers, but the ending of “The Pest” goes exactly as I’ve relayed it here.)

Read on for relationship advice, feminism, and a brief aside about white colonists in Africa:

The Pest

How To Make A Boy You Don’t Like Leave You Alone

by Gretchen Grundler

I don’t hate boys. Anyone who says that about me is simply incorrect. Four of my best friends are boys — my friend Spinelli and I are the only two girls in our group. When I’m fighting that kind of gender ratio and still enjoy their company, how could I ever hate them?

But some boys in particular are not worth my time. As a person who recently had an experience deflecting one of these boys’ advances over an extended period of time, I feel I am uniquely qualified to dole out advice on this matter.

I’m sort of spoiling the endgame here, but let me say, it is scores more effective to deal with troublesome boys yourself than to leave them to your teacher. Miss Grotke may mean well, but she’s a teacher, after all. At the core of her philosophy is law and order. Plus, in Miss Grotke’s case, she’s a much bigger proponent of letting us work out our own issues. Everyone wins.

You may feel hopeless, though, when a boy you don’t like starts bothering you in class. Maybe you want to tell the teacher. But that’s just a quick fix, and not a particularly effective one. It’s a band-aid. It won’t translate to your interactions on the playground, which is where your reputation really matters. (Okay, your academic reputation also matters. Maybe more.)

Of course, you may not know he likes you until he TELLS THE ENTIRE SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME AND YOU JUST HAVE TO SIT THERE AND TAKE IT BECAUSE IF YOU DENY IT RIGHT AWAY THE ENTIRE PLAYGROUND WILL BE TOO BUSY LAUGHING TO NOTICE.

Whew, that felt good.

Still, nothing brings the playground together like a common laughingstock, and that was me. And when there’s a common laughingstock — the K-I-S-S-I-N-G chants were still ringing in my ears long after they happened — this empowers the boy you don’t like. Because suddenly, he’s not working for his cause alone. Suddenly, the entire playground is on his side.

What did I do? Well, I felt entirely hopeless. I tossed and turned every night, vivid dreams of this boy and I getting married and having children and growing old together disrupting my sleep. I was so distressed that I didn’t come to school the next day until lunch, which isn’t like me at all, of course. I want to stress, that was a one-time course of action. When he found me in the cafeteria, my friends tried to protect me, but alas, my lovestruck friend Mikey was starting to be won over by this boy’s persistence.

The first action I took was to simply cancel out what this boy had done to me first, declaring his love for me to the whole school. According to my calculations, it had the least risk and the most reward. Unfortunately, when a girl tells the whole school she isn’t romantically involved with a boy, they tend to believe the opposite. A boy publicly announcing his love for a girl, even against her wishes, is revolutionary, a real risk, something to be lauded. A girl publicly announcing her rejection of a boy is, well, mean. There are many high-school names a girl in my position might be called, but I won’t trouble you with them.

After even more pestering at school, even up to him talking to me through the vent that connects the boys’ bathroom and the girls’ bathroom, I had had enough. On the bus home, I told him I wouldn’t speak to him anymore, recognizing that ignoring him hadn’t worked in the past, but I was desperate for any semblance of peace and quiet, even if it was from me. 

You know what he said? “I’ll take your silence as a yes,” and, “Denial is the sincerest form of flattery.” That’s not even the phrase! And if he was taking silence as a yes, why wouldn’t he take me saying “no” as a no?

The next action I took was drastic — high risk, a potential of a lifetime of punishment if it went south — but I knew it was a risk I had to take. I marched up to this boy at school the next day and called him out. I pulled out a pair of handcuffs and locked us together for eternity. The key? Gone. This boy? Presumably having the time of his life.

Except...he wasn’t. As I regaled him with all the things I would make him do that day — math club, spelling bee practice, a frog dissection over lunch — robbing him of his agency for perhaps the very first time, he broke down immediately. I pulled out the spare key to the handcuffs and set him free.

He said he just wanted to show me how much he liked me. But if we don’t call out this entitlement early, who knows when this awakening might have occurred for him? How many more girls would have had to suffer this ordeal?

“You know, Spinelli? Boys are really weird,” I told my friend when this was all said and done. “I know what you mean,” she replied. “Can’t live with them, can’t grind them into chalk dust.”

My eyes lit up as I thought of a science project I had been working on in my spare time.

“Well, actually, you could,” I said. Because I may be one to take one for the team, to put myself in harm’s way to try to mitigate future suffering at the hands of another person, but that doesn’t mean I don’t always have a backup plan.

Takeaway: Hot damn, this episode made me mad!

The Legend of Big Kid

Is Kirby Puckett the greatest outfielder that ever lived?

I'm not much of a stats person beyond the basics — field goal percentage, sacks, errors, the ones that will come up in conversation on a regular game broadcast. So, aside from a quick glance at his career numbers, which tell a story about his career, I can’t tell you if Kirby Puckett was the greatest outfielder that ever lived. (I will say that his number was retired a few months before this episode aired, which was a few years before the domestic violence allegations against him came out.)

Anyway, lucky for us, Vince and TJ can’t make this decision either, and it’s during their argument that they stumble right into the setting for this episode: the old playground that allegedly hasn’t been used since the 1970s. (Yet it’s on campus? Okay, okay, suspension of disbelief. My elementary school had a whole bunch of ways to get off campus during recess without anyone noticing, but it wasn’t done with any regularity — it’s possible they just didn’t know it was there.)

But it turns out someone has been using it, and recently, because TJ falls into a trap. As he’s hanging upside-down from the monkey bars, the two hear the rumbling of kindergarteners approaching. TJ tells Vince to save himself, but Vince instead distracts them so that perhaps TJ can get away. Vince, though, doesn’t realize how far or how fast he’s been running, because before he knows it, he’s back at the regular playground sobbing into Spinelli’s arms about how he could have done more to save his friend.

The coast seems clear, so the gang heads back to the old playground to get TJ, but he’s gone. Gretchen posits the kindergarteners must have taken him back to their pen, but that’s deserted, too. “They’ve probably migrated to their winter encampment,” she says, which doesn’t make the rest of the gang any less terrified for TJ’s safety.

We then get a jarring prisoner log from TJ, who tells us, “The unthinkable has happened. I am a prisoner of the kindergarteners.” He’s in a cage, unsure how much time has passed, and he’s not sure what his captors have planned for him. One of them — their leader, who TJ calls “Captain Sticky,” calls him “Big Kid” and tosses him some candy. TJ refuses to eat it, in case they’re fattening him up to eat him, but eventually is too hungry to say no.

Meanwhile, the gang is busy hustling the rest of the school, asking if they saw the kindergarteners, if there was a fourth-grader with them. The outcome appears bleak for TJ — everyone knows what might happen if those kids got a hold of an older kid: nothing good.

TJ, though, is...starting to like captivity, or at least get used to it. Whereas the kindergarteners first have to threaten him with weapons (crayons and paintbrushes attached to the end of yardsticks) to join them in tasks like finger painting and napping, he quickly assimilates to their ways.

Gretchen finds TJ’s shoe on the playground, lost in one of the initial scuffles, and Vince erupts in a “Noooo!” so heart-wrenching, you forget that TJ is, well, okay. Because the gang doesn’t know that. The kindergarteners are too elusive. No one knows what they’re up to except them.

But the gang acts on a more promising lead as Gretchen uncovers a still-wet lollipop. The trail is hot again!...just as we see TJ napping again, riding tricycles, and playing musical chairs. Is he too far gone?

When the gang arrive back at the old playground, they fall into yet another trap. Someone locks them in a cage, and the kindergarteners assemble, beating drums and shrieking. (We will...have to talk about how the kindergarteners are portrayed at some point in these recaps. There’s a very obvious white settler colonist, Indiana Jones, “thrilling adventures through untamed Africa!” look about them.)

The drumbeats slow, and who should walk out but...Big Kid. Well, TJ. The gang are shocked at how quickly the kindergarteners have completely taken hold of their friend, who now dresses like the kindergarteners, acts like the kindergarteners, and speaks like the kindergarteners. He won’t listen when they try to tell them who he is.

Somehow, it’s Vince talking about baseball that brings him back, though. Little League. Kirby Puckett. And TJ breaks down in tears, wailing, because he’s been through so much.

The gang finally gets him out of there, and Spinelli has to help TJ tie his shoes. “Shoes, underpants, I can’t get used to all this stuff!” he exclaims, and they don’t get it. (Gus calls the kindergarteners “primitive.” See latest parenthetical section.) But Gretchen recognizes he’s in a better place to be able to listen to reason now, so after he tells the gang he misses the freedom of being able to do whatever he wants all day, she says, “Don’t you see? Their way of life is coming to an end. By this time next year, they’ll be first graders.”

And TJ does get it. With one last nod to Captain Sticky, they part ways.

Takeaway: Growing up is hard, especially when you’re a kid and it goes by so quickly. Perhaps giving into some indulgences of yesteryear isn’t all bad, though, so long as you balance them with your current life and don’t let them consume you.

[taeyongluvs-blog]

Trouble

SUMMARY: Everybody knew Na Jaemin was trouble. Even his parents knew that was why he was sent to a school for delinquent in the country side. Enter you, a naïve born and raised country girl who believed that everyone had a sliver of good in their heart until you met Jaemin.

GENRE: Angst

PAIRING: Jaemin and Reader

NOTE(S): This is going to be a tough one to write since Na Jaemin is an actual angel sent by the heavens in this world and by no means like his character in this story. There will be mentions of underage drinking, smoking, drug use and abuse in this story so please if you are sensitive to those topics then I highly suggest you do not proceed. Thank you!

The rain was pouring heavily just as you were on your way home from a volunteer work at the local daycare of your town. Fortunately, you brought an umbrella with you but it wasn’t that much of a help since your clothes were still getting soaked by the harsh wind that accompanied the rain. It was always like this in your hometown, Yeodo. When it rained, it rained heavily and when it was sunny, the heat was almost unbearable. You were used to it, though, since you were born and raised in Yeodo.

Yeodo was a small island with about three hundred residents mostly elderly. The main source of income for many household was through farming and fishing. Yeodo was mostly known to many as that—a small island with farming and fishing as the main source of income but not a lot know that Yeodo was also the place where local governments from Seoul, Busan, Daegu and other major cities of the country send teenage delinquents for rehabilitation. At least twice every month, a ship comes and dozens of teenage boys and girls were sent to the old park turned rehabilitation center for the program. Your mother was an employee there and she taught technical and vocational subjects such as dressmaking, flower arrangement and beauty and hair. Meanwhile, your father was a Math teacher who also served as the guidance counselor and once in a while, he also taught car mechanics and repair as an elective. When you entered high school, you started volunteering at the rehabilitation center as one of the substitute art and music teacher for those under the age of fourteen alongside your best friend Huang Renjun.

Most of the kids sent to Yeodo were arrested due to multiple offenses such as continuous vandalizing, theft and public disturbance. There weren’t any serious offense until Na Jaemin arrived. His record was unlike anything you had heard and he was the talk of the town the moment his run-ins with the law were spread throughout the town and mind you, it spreaded out rapidly. He was from Seoul, a nineteen year-old who came from a prominent and wealthy background. The record didn’t say who his parents were to protect their reputation so people assumed his family must be one of those chaebols. His first run-in with the law was vandalizing a bus stop when he was only fourteen. Then, his run-ins just became worse and worse as he grew older. From petty vandalizing to drug dealing, supplying and usage to gang-related activities. So yes, Na Jaemin definitely stood out among the rest of the kids who were sent to Yeodo for rehabilitation that month.

The first time you saw Na Jaemin was when you were delivering the milk one of the eldery, Mrs. Im, asked you to give to the local daycare. As you arrived, you noticed a hooded figure spray painting on the gates of the daycare. You moved your bicycle off the street and walked over to where the figure was, arms crossed over your chest and a frown etched upon your face. “Excuse me but what are you doing?” You asked.

The figure looked at you—it was him, the infamous Na Jaemin. He was wearing an all black outfit, causing his pink hair to stand out. “What does it look like I’m doing?” He asked you back as he pulled his face mask down, letting it rest on his chin.

“You’re vandalizing a daycare. That is wrong and pretty sure, illegal.” You told him, as a matter-of-fact.

He hummed in response. “I wouldn’t say ‘vandalizing’ rather ‘expressing’ and ‘giving life’. You say this is a daycare? Why the fuck is it so bland then?” He chuckled as he continued on spray painting the gates.

You coughed at the smell but approached him anyways. You were about to tell him off and threaten him by calling the rehabilitation center where he should at when your eyes landed on the image, rather images, you saw painted on the gates. The first thing you saw was the artistically written ‘Welcome to Yeodo Daycare!’ on the very top then your eyes wandered around the various images of children playing and smiling, playing sports and music. On the corner down below, you saw a sentence, ‘Keep on dreaming and don’t let others dictate what your dream should be. Stay in school. NJ.’ You looked up to compliment Jaemin’s work but he was already gone along with his spray paints.

When you arrived home, you quickly took a hot shower got dressed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie over one of your old T-shirt that surprisingly still fit you. Your parents were out helping with the planning for the upcoming village fiesta so you got the entire house to yourself since you were an only child. You thought about inviting Renjun over but the rain was still pouring heavily and you didn’t want him to get soaked since he gets sick easily. So, instead, you decided to watch a movie instead. You chose through the rack of DVDs under the television and settled with the first film in the Harry Potter series, The Sorcerer’s Stone. You set the movie up and paused it as you prepared snacks. Once you were finished, preparing your snacks, you made your way back into the living room but something, or rather someone, caught your eyes outside of your house through the window.

It was Jaemin. You could tell because he was the only one in Yeodo who had pink hair. You moved closer towards the window as you watched him. He was limping, holding his side. A frown drew on your face, he’s gotten into trouble again? Ever since Jaemin got to Yeodo and started his rehabilitation program, it was clear that he was a hard one. He didn’t follow the rules and gets into fights with the others with him mostly instigating it. He had been punished for every rule breaking but he didn’t care at all. Not even a little bit.

You sighed as you grabbed the umbrella from the old vase your father bought in a garage sale in Seoul and made your way outside. “Na Jaemin!” you called out as you unlocked the small gate of your house.

Jaemin didn’t stop walking (limping, actually) and you shook your head as you ran after him. “Jaemin-ssi, who did you fight with now?” you asked as you stood in front of him, making sure that your umbrella was also covering him.

Jaemin looked at you and you gasped in shock when you saw the cuts and bruises scattered on his face. He managed to scoff and pushed you aside as he continued to walk (limp!). “Jaemin! You’re going to get sick!”

“Would you leave me alone? For fuck’s sake, ever since I got in this shitty town you’d been all up my ass!” Jaemin exploded, looking over his shoulder. His eyes were a shade darker and you could feel the anger seeping inside you as you met his gaze with an anxious one.

“I just want to help you, that’s all.” you replied, holding the handle of your umbrella tightly. You felt a lump forming in your throat and the tears pooling in your eyes.

“Well, I don’t need it so stop talking to me. Stop getting into my business. You’re not my mother and you’re not my friend.”

“(Y/N), are you okay?”

Renjun’s voice snapped you out of your trance and you looked at him to see a worried look etched on his face. You gave him a smile. “I’m sorry. I’m just daydreaming.” you told him. “What were you saying?”

Renjun chuckled and patted your head. “Cute.” He said as he pinched your cheek. You groaned playfully and slapped his hand away. “I was telling you that my mom asked if its possible that the kids at our music class at rehabilitation center can prepare for a stage number.”

Your eyes lit up. “Of course! That’d be awesome and I’m sure the kids would be willing to do it.”

“Whoo,” Renjun whistled. “I thought you’d say it was impossible. You know how persuasive my mother can be, right? I was pressured into saying yes.”

It was now your turn to pinch his cheek. ”Aigoo, my best friend is such a mama’s boy!”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “Stop calling me that! I’m a man, (Y/N)! A man!”

You laughed, throwing your head back. You were really thankful for having Renjun around. You honestly didn’t know what to do if he wasn’t. He was like your other half, your twin. He always brought out the inner child in you because most of the time, you were serious and too focused on responsibilities you had with your volunteer work and your actual job at the town’s convenience store. Renjun was the balance you needed in your life and you were really thankful for his existence.

Soon, your homeroom teacher arrived and checked the attendance. Once that was over, she reminded everyone of the upcoming finals and the scholarship forms from the big universities in the city had arrived and could be filled out at the administration office. Renjun nudged your elbow when your adviser was announcing it and you nudged him back. The two of you were planning to take the scholarship exam of SM University. Renjun wanted to become an architectural engineer while you wanted to become a teacher. SM University offered both courses and had a great program so you and Renjun hoped that you two will be able to pass the exam.

School went by quickly. Most of the time, you were just spacing out. Your mind just kept wandering between the scholarship forms and Jaemin. You couldn’t help but to feel hurt at what Jaemin said that day. You just wanted to help him out, why did he have to be such a jerk in turning down the help? You really wanted to believe that Jaemin had some goodness in him because you believe that everyone had goodness in them but you were starting to doubt Jaemin had. Maybe he really was just like what everyone in town was saying—a spoiled rich kid who have a temper.

“Oh! (Y/N), can I ask you for a favor?” your last teacher for the day, Ms. Jung, called out as you were about to leave. You spun on your heel and nodded, making your way towards her. “Your house is on the way to the rehabilitation center, right?” you nodded. “My brother Jaehyun is volunteering with a couple of friends there at the moment and I promised that I’ll bring them snacks but there’s a meeting in five minutes so could you please take this to them?” Ms. Jung grabbed your hand and placed some bills on your palm before closing it.

“Yes, Ms. Jung. I’ll give this to them.” you replied before bidding her good bye with a bow and you were off towards the rehabilitation center.

When you arrived, you easily spotted Jaehyun helping with the decorations. And as much as you didn’t want to notice Jaemin, he really stood among the rest not only because of his pink hair but also because of the mural he was creating on the walls of the center. He really was a great painter, an artist, and you wished you could tell him that but your last encounter with him made it very clear that he didn’t want anything to do you. With a sigh, you made your way towards Jaehyun.

“Hey.” you said as you tapped Jaehyun on his shoulder. When he turned to you, you smiled at him and he smiled back, putting down the decoration he was holding on the table behind him. “Your sister wanted me to give you this. She said she couldn’t make it because she has a meeting.” you said as you handed him the money.

“We’re taking a break in five minutes. Do you want to come and eat? My treat.” Jaehyun offered, looking at you expectantly. Not again, you thought. It wasn’t news to you that Jaehyun liked you and he even confessed last summer but you had rejected him since you weren’t ready for any romantic relationship. Jaehyun was determined, though, and while he understood that you weren’t ready, he also found a loophole: you didn’t state that you didn’t like him back so he persistently asked you out whenever he was in town. Jaehyun was already in his second year of college, pursuing a medical degree in one of the top universities in Seoul. Whenever he was in town, everyone practically rejoiced. He was the golden boy of Yeodo and everyone loved Jaehyun because he really had the whole package. He was smart, kind, handsome and responsible. So when the town found out that you rejected him—you didn’t tell anyone but you felt ostracized. One elderly even told you, “Aish, you silly girl, why did you reject Jaehyun-ah? Who are you to reject someone as perfect as him?” Of course you didn’t answer back so you just nodded and apologized.

You had your reasons why you rejected Jaehyun but you didn’t dare tell anyone those, not even Renjun. Truth was, Jaehyun was indeed smart, kind, handsome and responsible but for all the wrong reasons. He was smart so he used that as an advantage to manipulate and uplift himself while simultaneously downgrading those who weren’t academically inclined. He was kind but only to those who he knew he would benefit from aka the elderly, the teachers and the adults. He was handsome and once again used that as an advantage to get anything he wants especially from the people he knew liked him and worshipped him like he was some god. And yes, he was responsible but for all the wrong things. He was the student council president when he was still attending your high school and he used that responsibility to order and dictate people around. Overall, you didn’t like Jaehyun because he was an arrogant, narcissistic bully.

You gave Jaehyun an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry but I have to go to work now. I just had to give you the money from Ms. Jung. I’m sorry again.”

You were about to leave when Jaehyun grabbed your hand and it wasn’t gentle by any means. “(Y/N), come on, I just came back from Seoul. Don’t you wanna catch up with me?” His tone wasn’t lighthearted, too. He was annoyed, you could tell.

“I’m really sorry, Jaehyun-ssi, some other time, maybe?” you tried to grab your hand back but he was holding onto it so tight that it was starting to hurt.

“You said that the—,” Suddenly, Jaehyun’s hand and yours were forcefully split. “You again, huh? Go, we’re talking.”

“You were trying to force her into doing something she clearly doesn’t want to do,” Jaemin spoke up as he stood in the middle of you and Jaehyun, his back facing you. “Not very golden of you, huh, hyung?”

Your eyes widened in shock. No one ever tried to talk back to Jaehyun especially in a mocking tone but here was Jaemin doing exactly that. You couldn’t see what Jaehyun’s expression was since Jaemin’s broad shoulders prevented you from doing so but you could tell from the stares of the other people in the center that he was pissed. You heard Jaehyun scoff. “What to expect from a criminal? Respect? Who am I kidding? Yah, criminal, don’t call me hyung, alright?”

“Yes, but at least I got the balls to do my dirty works upfront not behind everyone’s backs.” Jaemin snickered and before you knew it, you had been pushed to the ground when Jaemin staggered backwards. He landed on you and you yelped in pain. “Get the fuck off me, you psycho!” Jaemin yelled as he pushed Jaehyung off of him and then grabbed your hand. “You know how to run?” He asked but he didn’t wait for you to answer and pulled you up, dragging you away from the center and the angry Jaehyun.

You didn’t know how long you and Jaemin had been running but it was long enough because you found yourself at the docks where fishermen parked their boats and where tourists arrived. You were out of breath, collapsing on the ground as your chest rose rapidly. Sweat covered your body, your hair sticking all over your hair as the ponytail you had been wearing became undone. Jaemin, on the other hand, was catching up on his breath but he didn’t look anywhere as exhausted as you were. You grabbed your bag beside you and pulled out the bottle of water you had, quickly opening the cap and gulping the liquid until the last drop.

“Thanks for sharing.” Jaemin said, chuckling. You looked up at him, amusement plastered on his face. You shook your head as you pushed yourself off the ground and brushed away the dirt on your uniform.

“Thank you.” you said, facing him. “For saving me back there.”

Jaemin scoffed, reaching something from his shoe. A cigarette. “I didn’t save you; I wanted to piss golden boy off.” He replied then faced you, the cigarette now between his lips. “Got a lighter?”

You shook your head. “That’s bad for your health.” you told him, pointing at the stick between his lips. “And don’t say we’re all gonna die at one point. What about the rest of your life before that?”

“I thought we established the fact that we aren’t friends so why are you still up on my business? Don’t you have a life?” Jaemin snapped, raising his eyebrow at you.

“I owe you my life. The least I could do is to—,”

Jaemin took a step towards you, throwing his stick away and closing in the distance between the two of you. He leaned down, meeting your eyes. “I didn’t save you.”

“Why do you keep up with that façade, Jaemin? It doesn’t hurt to be a good person.” you told him softly, meeting his hardened gaze with your soft ones.

“I’m not a good person. Why the fuck do you think I was sent in this shitty island for?” Jaemin took a step back, running his fingers through his hair.

“Everyone has goodness in them, Jaemin. You are no exception.” you said, shrugging your shoulders.

“Everyone? You sure about that? Even that prick Jaehyun?” Jaemin chuckled. You didn’t reply and watched as he walked towards the end of the dock. The sun was already setting and the environment around the both of you were draped with bright orange. You walked towards him and stood beside him. “Does he like you or something?” He asked after a moment of silence.

“Yes,” you didn’t deny. “I rejected him though. I don’t... particularly find him my type.”

“Just say you don’t like him.” Jaemin said, annoyed. “Nobody has a type, trust me.”

“I’m not in a position to say I don’t like Jaehyun, Jaemin.” you said with an empty, almost inaudible laugh.

Jaemin raised an eyebrow. “What?”

You took a deep breath as you held your chin up, watching as the sun set in the horizon. You never told anyone about your reasons why you don’t like Jaehyun but somehow, with Jaemin, it felt right. And so you told him and when you checked to see if he was listening from time to time, you found himself with his eyes closed and seated on the edge of the dock, legs dangling above the cold water. You could tell he was listening because every time you stopped, he would open his eyes and tell you to proceed. Once the story was over, Jaemin rose from his seat. “So he’s a jack ass who can’t take no from an answer. And here I was thinking men had finally developed.”

You only smiled. “If he bothers you again then just punch him or kick his dick. You gotta learn to put ‘no’ into actions, (Y/N)-ssi.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

And for the rest of the hour, you and Jaemin just sat in silence as the last bit of light faded and the moon rose, lighting up the sea before the two of you.

Hanging out with Jaemin after that day became an everyday thing. It would always be by the docks. You would pack snacks and little lunchboxes for the two of you to share while conversing about the most random thing like which was better: chicken wings or chicken legs. But there were times where the conversation was serious and deep like the time Jaemin first opened up to you. You remember just telling him an anecdote about your childhood and he replied by telling you he didn’t have as much fun as you did when he was little. You asked why and to your surprise, Jaemin told you that he was an only child and his parents were always busy with work so he didn’t get to play and spend time with them as you did with your parents when you were little. He left it at that but you were thankful that Jaemin was starting to open up. Days passed before Jaemin opened up to you again and this time, he told you how he became the person he was now. His parents, specifically his father, was a known businessman and was very strict towards him. To Jaemin, he never really felt like he was his father but one of his employees. Jaemin always felt controlled by his father and he just snapped one day. Vandalizing and petty crimes were his way of getting back at his father and even though he was beaten up every time his father would learn of his actions, Jaemin never felt pain but rather an immense feeling of victorious. Then he met some people that weren’t exactly ‘good’ people. They were the ones who taught him how to do drugs, drink, smoke and other illegal things—street race, theft, burglary, public disturbance and hacking to name a few. He was aware that what he was doing was too much but for the first time in his life, Jaemin felt like he had a family. When his father learned about this, it was the last straw and he was sent to Yeodo.

You felt sorry for Jaemin but he made it clear that he didn’t need that from anyone. He didn’t regret his actions and he wasn’t repenting for it either. After he told you all that, he turned to you and said, “Still think I’m a good person?” He had a loopsided smirk when he asked you that.

“Humans are a complex being,” you told him. “We do things we think are right and justifiable but for some it may be wrong and unjust. You did all those because you wanted to get back at your father—that is understandable but along the way of doing so, you had hurt innocent people who were just trying to get by and that is wrong.” you faced Jaemin, a small smile on your face. “I think you’re a good person, Jaemin; its just you chose to be the villain in your own story.”

The streets were already dark but the lamp posts illuminated some parts. You and Jaemin were on your back and to your surprise, Jaemin offered to walk you home as payment for all the food you kept on bringing whenever the two of you would meet. You were thankful that it was night time already and the lamp posts weren’t as bright as before because you had been blushing like hell ever since Jaemin offered to take you home. You knew it meant nothing but still, you couldn’t get the butterflies in your stomach to stop being chaotic and your face from turning red. You had been feeling this way lately—giddy and nervous and awkward whenever you were with Jaemin. You had a hunch why but you didn’t want to say it out loud especially to yourself. It just wasn’t right. And even if it was, it would just be one-sided and eventually Jaemin would have to go once he finishes his stay at Yeodo. So you just kept it to yourself and enjoyed the moments you spent with him.

You found yourself in front of your house moments later. The lights were on and you could hear the sound of television inside. You faced Jaemin, “Thanks for walking me home.”

“It’s not free, you know. You have to pay me.” Jaemin said as a matter of fact.

You furrowed your eyebrows. “How? Do you want me to make that sandwich you like again?” you asked, grabbing the lunchbox from his hand as you chuckled.

“No, something else.” Jaemin replied.

“What do you—,” Before you can finish your sentence, you felt something on your lips. Your eyes widened in shock and surprise as Jaemin held your face with his hands, moving his lips against yours. You were frozen, unable to respond but you didn’t need to as he pulled away just as quick as he kissed you.

“I expect that payment every time I accompany you anywhere. Got it, (Y/N)?” Jaemin smiled at you—not in a mocking or teasing way but a real, genuine and sincere smile. You felt like your heart was about to explode. “Yah, did you turn into a stone?” He poked your cheek and you blinked your eyes rapidly, feeling your face heat up. He chuckled. “Was that your first kiss?”

You nodded in embarrassment. You should be mad because you expected your first kiss to be more magical but you weren’t. In fact, you were practically jumping and screaming inside. “First kisses are really not that special, (Y/N). You get to have many first kisses in your life. What’s important is who’s gonna be your last. Do you think I can be that guy?” Jaemin stepped forward and grabbed your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. “I told myself I wouldn’t fall for you but I did and I was wondering if you want to fall for me too?”

“I—yes, I, I want to, Jaemin-ssi.” you stuttered out, lowering your gaze. You couldn’t meet his eyes. It was too much.

“Can I have another kiss?” He asked and you nodded shyly. Placing his fingers on your chin, he lifted your face and smiled before connecting his lips with yours.

Being with Jaemin made you feel alive and you didn’t know that was possible. You didn’t understand when people say don’t just live instead be alive but now you do. Whenever you were with Jaemin, you felt like you could conquer the world. Whenever you were with Jaemin, it felt like it was the only the two of you in the world. You felt so happy and so lucky because Jaemin was just too perfect to even be real but whenever he held you close to him and kissed you—you realized that it was real and he was real and him being your boyfriend was real. You used to think that you had a pretty great life then you met him and he changed all that. You didn’t know how one person can change your life entirely.

Before Jaemin, you were living a simple life—a life that everyone in Yeodo was living.

After Jaemin, you realized how much you were missing out on.

Three months after the two of you started dating, you woke up one day and learned that Jaemin was released from the rehabilitation center and was brought back to Seoul to start anew. You cried your heart out—why didn’t he say good bye? You remembered just falling apart. You gave everything to that boy but he just left. You always knew he would but he promised to say good bye and to write since there was no stable signal at Yeodo but ever since he left, there wasn’t a single letter from Seoul that arrived.

Three months later, you graduated and found out you got accepted into SM University along with Renjun. You were supposed to be happy and celebrate but you went home, acceptance letter in your hand, and went to sleep.

Yet another three months later, you were bidding your parents and everyone in town good bye as you and Renjun boarded the ship towards Seoul to settle for college that was about to start in two months. You were feeling better now and tried to forget the pink-haired boy that was your first love.

And as you left Yeodo, you looked back one last time and reminisced back to the days where the dock felt like the entire world whenever you were Jaemin. But now, it was just empty.

[fourteenacross]

prompt response: fake dating

Well, someone sent me a fake dating ask and somewhere between the drafts folder and hitting “post,” the entire thing just poofed out of existence. THANKS, TUMBLR. Luckily, I had the response saved in a google doc. So, sorry to the original asker, your exact request is lost to the whims of tumblr, but the general jist of it was Ham/Laurens fake-dating.

The idea that I had for this was immediately bigger than just a ficlet, cause for fake dating to be done to my satisfaction, it needs time to properly DEVELOP. So this is more along the lines of a “I’ll tell you about a fic I’m not writing” sort of thing than an actual ficlet--my apologies.

*

Alex and John are part of the same friends group in New York, a mish-mash of folks who went to college together, their friends who moved to the city after graduation, and other people who have been assimilated into the group over time. John was an early member of the group, one of the core folks who went to the same college, and Alex came along later, and even though they have the same sense of humor and attitude and interests, they've never been the closest of friends. They tend to have standalone crazy adventures in between seeing each other at group gatherings and talking on Twitter, but they don't go out regularly as friends.

They do, however, go out regularly as fake boyfriends.

The nature of Alex's job sometimes has him going semi-undercover to report on...I don't even know, this is a fantasy world where this is a regular thing that happens, okay? So he usually wants to bring a date, so there's someone else around to help him out if he gets in over his head or cause a distraction so he can do some snooping. Plus, he's much more inconspicuous with a date--no one brings a rando undercover with them and a couple wandering around and chatting with people looks much less odd than a single dude nosing around.

Anyway. John is usually his go-to for these occasions because a) he's one of their only friends who encourages these plans, b) he grew up very wealthy, so he knows the ins and outs of navigating the social mores of events like the ones Alex is usually trying to get into, but c) his dad, who would be known in these circles, is white, and people mistake the surname "Laurens" for "Lawrence" when spoken out loud often enough that he doesn't send up any red flags with folks who might know his family. And while John's not single, he's in a long distance relationship, so it's unlikely that someone will see him with someone else around town and think that something's up.

So this starts as just another one of those events--Alex is working on some political story and scores tickets to a big charity gala that's going to draw a lot of the folks he's investigating. He calls up John, who agrees to come with him, and they go to the party, just like any other evening. They're eating canapés and making small talk and then, someone to the right of them says, "John?!"

And John turns around and it's his fucking father.

And it's not UNREASONABLE that his father, a moderately high ranking member of the House of Representatives, would be present, but his dad usually only goes to things in Washington or South Carolina, and when he is in New York, he almost always gives John a call so they can have lunch or something.

So John's staring dumbfounded and Alex looks like a deer in headlights as the person they're chatting with says, "Oh, Laurens! Are you related?"

And Henry says, low-key offended-like, "Of course we're related, he's my son."

And the person gets all awkward about it--because they never in a million years would have pegged this Latino kid as Henry Laurens' son, despite knowing the back of their mind that he had married a Puerto Rican woman who passed away several years prior--and manages to stammer, "Well, I was just having a lovely conversation with him and his young man, Alexander, was it?"

And Henry raises an eyebrow and says, "Your 'young man'?"

And John says, "Uh...."

And Henry says, "Well, I must say, it's something of a relief. I tried not to comment on it--" A lie, he totally commented on it all the time. "--because I know you cared for him, but I never liked that Francis boy and your siblings and I all knew that he'd never actually emigrate to be with you."

Which is an uncomfortable moment because, obviously, John is still with Francis, though he's been starting to suspect the same thing after five years of long distance and vague promises that Francis is looking into moving, really, and also...well, he's not actually dating Alex.

But he can't give up the game, so he forces a smile and says, "Yeah, Francis and I ended things and, uh, this thing with Alex is pretty new."

Alex is doing complicated math in his head and manages to read the situation well enough to put on his best self-deprecating smile and offer his hand to Henry. "It's a pleasure to meet you, sir, if a little earlier than expected." 

They make semi-awkward small talk for a few minutes while John is internally screaming, until Henry sees someone waving him down and excuses himself. But before he leaves, he says, "I imagine we'll talk more at Martha's wedding."

And John says, "Uh."

But Alex says, "I imagine we will. I look forward to it, Congressman Laurens."

And then he's gone and John quickly excuses them from the other poor soul stuck in conversation with them to drag Alex to the bar.

"That could have gone worse," Alex says.

"Alex, I cannot lie to my father," John says gravely as the bartender pours him a whiskey. "And I don't mean because of my moral character or something, I mean because he always finds out. He has a sixth sense for it. I'm surprised he hasn't already called me out on it. Fuck."

"Well, it's not like, long-term lying," Alex says. "He'll be back in South Carolina soon and then it'll just be the weekend of your sister's wedding. Which is, what, like, two months away?"

"I'm going for a long weekend!" John says. "Thursday to Sunday!"

"It'll be fine," Alex insists. "We'll get through the weekend and then a couple weeks later you can tell him we've broken up and then we can move on with our lives. It's not like we're not good at acting coupley." He takes John's already half-finished glass from him and drinks from it, as if to illustrate his point. John snatches it back.

"This is going to explode in our faces," John warns him. "I should just go alone and say we broke up."

"You wanted to bring one of us anyway because you got a plus one and Francis wouldn't come and you didn't want to go alone," Alex reminds him. "You were just bitching about it in the group chat. Mattie and I both volunteered. I'll go, it'll be fine."

John is pretty sure it won't be fine, but he also knows that this isn't the time to have this argument. Alex is here for work reasons and this is all just a distraction, so he muscles up and downs the rest of his drink and sighs and says, "We can talk about it later. Let's get back to your thing."

They don't exactly get back to it later. Alex heads home after the party to write and they don't get a chance to see each other again until Mattie's birthday brunch the next weekend, when Alex gleefully tells the story to all their friends. Mattie, who knows John's family, finds the whole thing fucking hilarious and everyone else is pretty amused as well. John brings up that they need to figure out what to do about the whole mess, and their friends high-key pressure them into going to the wedding and pretending to be a couple. Some of them because they think it's hilarious, but Mattie and Ned and a couple others are of the mind that they would make a really good couple and Francis is fucking toxic and maybe this will give them a little push towards each other.

At this point, there are seven weeks left until the wedding, which seems like forever, but they figure the best way to play this game is to make it as close to the truth as possible, so they start hanging out together a little more than usual. John keeps going to Alex's work shit with him, but they also hang out on the weekends and go to shows together and do other dumb coupley things. Alex takes John to a lecture that he sleeps through and John takes Alex on a bike ride outside of the city that nearly kills him. They text a lot more too, making up elaborate stories for how they got together. They've already decided to essentially tell the truth once removed--that they were friends and John kept being Alex's plus-one to work things and they realized they liked each other--but making up crazy stories has become a dumb game they play with each other, each playing off an element of the previous story to make a new one. So Alex will send John a message that says, "I used to be a lion tamer on the weekends and one of the lions got out and cornered you and I had to sweet talk it away from you, forever earning your love" and John will crack up and send back, "You fell into the lion enclosure at the zoo over a stupid dare and I helped fish you out right before the lions made a meal of you."

John's dad calls him a couple times during these seven weeks and it's surprisingly easy to lie to him, possibly because most of it isn't lies. He really did go to a concert this week and Alex really is taking him out to dinner tomorrow night and he really is looking forward to it. A lot, actually.

Which is something that John has been thinking about pretty seriously throughout this. He knows most of their friends and all of his family think Francis is a jerk. They met during John's study abroad during the fall semester of his senior year of college and started dating while he was over there. And then Francis came over and did a semester just outside of the city about a year later, after John had already graduated, meeting the proto-version of the gang for the first time. They were largely unimpressed, and get more and more unimpressed as time goes on and Francis visits less and less and his excuses for not coming back get weaker and weaker. And, honestly? Part of him already knows and has already accepted that this isn't going to work out. Despite all of Francis' promises in the first year and a half they were together, he's never going to move to New York. He's never going to prioritize John. And that's something that John has to think about. 

Alex, meanwhile, has always had kind of a thing for John. A friend-crush. He never thought about it hard or seriously--he wasn't pining--because John was already in a relationship when they met, so the idea to think about John as a potential partner literally never occurred to him. It's hard not to think about it now, though. They're doing all this dumb couple stuff together and the dispassionate, logical part of his mind is pointing out that they are extremely compatible as a couple. Schedule-wise, temperament-wise, personality-wise, they work on a lot of levels. John is also hot and funny and just...it feels good. It feels good to be around him.

Which is kind of a bummer. Because, odds are, it'll stop after the wedding. They'll still be friends, sure, but Alex will miss all this extra-curricular hanging out they've been doing. Even the stupid shit like hiking and bike rides--he has to admit that the middle part, the part between hiking to a spot and hiking back, was kind of nice. Alex doesn't get out of the city much, and hanging out on the top of a mountain, sprawled in the sun and talking to John about nothing much in particular, had been the first time in a long time that his brain felt really...quiet.

But they'll still be friends. And maybe they can still have the occasional, intentional one-on-one friend hangout, instead of just the shenanigans that they accidentally get up to when they're the only two people interested in one local event or another.

He resolves to take advantage of this last week and have as much fun as possible, a resolution that John is also making. One of two, actually. The other one is that John is gonna sit down next weekend, after the craziness of the wedding is behind them, and figure out what to do about Francis--what he wants to do about Francis, how to approach Francis about his desires, and what to do if (when) Francis' own desires are in direct conflict with them. He's not looking forward to it, thus the decision to enjoy himself and not think about it for a few days.

They get to South Carolina and John introduces Alex to everyone. He and Martha immediately get on like a house on fire, which is potentially going to be an issue in the future, but John tries to ignore it. They spend a couple days doing all sorts of pre-wedding stuff, Laurens-Ramsay family bonding activities that Martha and David have come up with. John and Alex score two definitive victories for the Laurens Family by dominating first at pub trivia and then at paintball. John is genuinely enjoying himself, catching up with his siblings and chatting with David's family. He and Alex have completely abandoned the concept of personal space, which he figures makes them look pretty coupley until Martha pulls him aside as he heads to change for the rehearsal dinner.

"I know I told you that David's family is old school Southern," she says, "but I didn't mean--they're not like...homophobic. David has a couple gay cousins. It's cool."

"I...didn't think they were?" John says, which is not strictly true--some of the Ramsays have certainly made some under-their-breath comments, but some of John's extended family does the same thing. He's used to it.

"I just mean, you and Alex don't have to be chaste around them or anything."

John blinks at her. "We...what?"

Martha is blushing a little. "You can kiss him! Is what I mean! You don't have to, like...hide it or anything."

Kissing Alex hadn't occurred to him.

"Oh," John says. "Uh. Good to know."

He's still thinking about the conversation as he wanders upstairs. It must be clear on his face, because the first thing Alex does when he walks into their room is ask what's wrong.

"Nothing," John says. "Just...Martha pulled me aside to say none of the relatives will make a big fuss, so it's okay for us to kiss."

"Is it?" Alex asks seriously. He's half in his dress shirt, a curious expression on his face. "I just mean, I don't want to get you into trouble with Francis."

John considers it for a moment as he pulls off his t-shirt and looks through his garment bag for a shirt.

"I think it's fine," he concludes. "I mean, nothing that happens in front of my family at a wedding reception is gonna be too intense and I kiss Mattie all the time and Francis doesn't care." Mattie is, of course, both a girl and a lesbian, but in theory that shouldn't matter.

"Good to know," Alex says, and moves into the bathroom to do his hair.

And the rehearsal dinner is fine and the morning of the ceremony is fine. It becomes second nature to lead Alex around with a hand on the small of his back or let himself be led with a hand on his elbow. They rib each other affectionately and socialize with family and even kiss a few times. They're chaste kisses, sweet and quick, the kind of comfortable kisses you give someone you've known forever. They're good kisses, too, quick as they are, and even though he's not supposed to think about it until next weekend, he can't help compare them to Francis, who never kisses him casually because he's never casually around.

John cries all through the ceremony and Alex only makes fun of him a little. And at the reception, they dance together and with everyone else. When Martha is dancing with John, she says, "You know, I really like Alex. I tried to be chill about Francis, but he always seemed like kind of a jerk, and I hated that he kept stringing you along with promises of moving to New York. Plus, I only saw you guys together that one time, but it seemed so stilted. You and Alex are already so comfortable, it just makes me happy to see it."

"Thanks," John says. "I like him a lot."

He's not surprised at all, at this point, to realize he's telling the truth.

Towards the end of the reception, the two of them end up out on a balcony, the pounding music of the dance floor making their ears ring the moment it's muffled behind the french doors. Alex collapses onto a bench and John sits next to him.

"Man, your family knows how to party," Alex says. "I've never been to a wedding like this before."

"Yeah, it's pretty typical of heterosexual weddings where money is involved," John says. "I'd almost forgotten that not everyone has hipster DIY queer weddings in botanical gardens and apple orchards."

"Well, it's a good thing we're not really dating because I don't know if I could survive planning a wedding like this," Alex says.

John tilts his head up, staring up at the sky. There are so many more stars here than in New York. "Is it, though?"

"Is what?" Alex asks.

"Is it good we're not dating?" He looks away from the sky and over at Alex. "Sorry, I just keep thinking about how much I like you and it sucks that I'm dating someone else."

Alex is quiet for a moment. "It does suck that you're dating someone else," he agrees. "I like you too."

"I don't want to be the type of guy who dumps someone because he's met someone else," John says. "But our relationship is already pretty garbage. But it's also possible I'm just looking for excuses to justify it to myself, you know?"

"In my experience," Alex says, "if you're actively looking for reasons to justify breaking up with someone, you probably want to break up with them either way. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who's only with them because they can't come up with a good reason not to be."

"I'm not really like that, I swear," John says, flushing with guilt. 

"No, I know," Alex says. He looks over at John and grins. "And I can't pretend I'm being objective when I offer you that advice, so."

And John thinks about meeting Francis and those first tentative days together, feeling each other out. He thinks about how the giddy rush of a new relationship faded almost instantly into the nagging anxiety that John would be leaving the country soon. He's never felt comfortable with Francis the way he already feels comfortable with Alex. He never had this easy intimacy. And it's no one's fault--maybe if he stayed in the UK or Francis made good on his promises to come to New York, things would have been different, but it's hard to build that comfort over text and skype, and these days they barely manage that.

He makes a decision a week earlier than he intended, and he kisses Alex.

It's not a chaste kiss. It's not lewd, but there's intent. There's passion and affection, it's a kiss that's a kiss, not a greeting or farewell or absent moment of acknowledgement. John kisses Alex the way he would have if this had been a normal date, if they had been out together and had this much fun and mutually expressed an intent to do it again. He kisses Alex like he wants it to be the start of something more.

And Alex kisses back.

They pull back, both of them grinning, though Alex is a bit dazed. John pulls out his phone and checks the time and swears under his breath.

"What's wrong?" Alex asks.

"It's the middle of the night in London, I can't call Francis and break up with him."

"Just to be clear," Alex says. "That means we're gonna date, right?"

"Yes, genius, that means we're gonna date," John says, grinning, and Alex just leans forward and kisses him again.

John should probably feel worse about the kissing, but so far it's just kissing and it's hard to feel connected to Francis and the tattered remains of their relationship when Alex is here with him, having spent weeks showing more interest in John's life than Francis has since they were twenty-three.

And John doesn't intend for them to just full-on make out at his sister's wedding, but the next thing he knows, his little brother Harry is saying, "John, are you--oh shit!"

John pulls away from Alex, guilty for half a dozen reasons, only some of which make sense.

"Um," he says. 

"Sorry," Harry says. "I just--um. Martha wants a cousins picture with Nana before Aunt C takes her home?"

"Right," John says. "Um--"

"I'll be here when you're done," Alex tells him, and then lifts his hand off of John's upper thigh--and when had that happened--and John stumbles back into the party.

They take the cousins picture and then they take a dozen more family pictures, even though they did posed paragraphs before and after the ceremony. And when John goes to find Alex, he's not out on the balcony, but waiting at the table with a drink.

"I know we should talk more," he half-shouts over the music, "but I figure we came here to enjoy the party, so we might as well do that while we can."

Which seems like a good plan, so they toast and dance some more and flood the wedding hashtag with stupid pictures and dance the last dance and then stumble onto the hotel shuttle, arm and arm. They're tipsy when they get back to their room and half-undress before collapsing onto the bed, lying side-by-side and staring at each other.

"We should talk," John says.

"Yeah," Alex says. "Totally."

"We can't have sex until I break up with Francis," John says.

"I'm 100% with you," Alex says. 

"I don't cheat," John says.

"I wouldn't never think that," Alex says.

"But is it really cheating if the only reason we haven't broken up yet is that he's asleep?"

"I mean, I'm staying neutral in this decision, but it's just a few hours."

They're both quiet for a moment.

"Maybe we can just make out for a while?" John suggests. "I'm pretty tired anyway. And I haven't had sex with another person in two years, so that feels like a lot to process tonight anyway."

"I am definitely on board with this plan," Alex says.

So they do that. And it gets maybe a little heavier than either of them intend, but their hands stay above the waist, John's arbitrary definition of what's acceptable and what isn't, and they eventually fall asleep.

John gets up super early the next morning, first because he's in a weird place and he has to pee, but once he's up and takes his phone and goes out into the hallway and calls Francis. And they have a very short, awkward conversation where Francis first thinks that John is breaking up with him because he saw on social media he's been hanging out a lot with some guy, but John clarifies that he met someone else. Francis tries to be indignant about this for approximately five seconds before John reminds him that he literally just basically admitted to doing the same thing, and Francis concedes.

When John goes back into the hotel room, Alex is half awake and watching him from the very inviting looking bed. John holds his phone up for Alex to see.

"I broke up with Francis," he says.

"Then take off your pants," Alex says, and John bursts out laughing and pounces on him.

And John thinks a lot about growing up and relationships and figuring out who you are. He can't help but keep comparing his relationship to Francis to this new thing with Alexander--it's the only other relationship of his adult life--but it's not the same thing, not at all. He's not sure if the physical distance caused the emotional distance or just kept them mired in a false sense of intimacy, but it was never like this. It was never this easy and fun, because when it started John was twenty-three and a nervous mess trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. Now that he's older and settled and confident, it's easier to put his guard down around Alex. It's easy to let himself have this, fun and simple and freeing.

Of course, he doesn't really think about all of that until later, because first they have sex. Twice. And when they go down for brunch later that morning, he's positive they look entirely fucked out and overly pleased with themselves, but they're hardly the only couple with that glow, so the comments are raised eyebrows are minimal.

They spend their last couple days in South Carolina alternately hanging out with John's family and stealing time away because they can't keep their hands off of each other. Which is also a problem the next day on the flight back to New York and then on the cab ride to John's apartment. It's less of a problem once they're inside John's apartment, for the most part--the gentleman forced to ride the elevator with them, for example, might not agree. 

Later in the afternoon, when they've graduated to the cuddling and take-out portion of the day, talking endlessly about themselves and their lives and their hopes for the future, John gets a text from his dad. It says, It was pleasant to meet Alexander. He has potential. I hope we'll be seeing more of him.

("Wow," John says, "I think you might already be my dad's favorite of the various siblings' partners. You might even give me enough clout to knock me up from last place on the list of his favorite kids, even."

"I'm irresistible," Alex says, and John doesn't give him the pleasure of admitting that yes, he is.)

You definitely will, he types back to his dad, filled with a breathless sort of joy that it's no longer a lie.

***

Will this ever be a full story? Who knows. I contain multitudes.

[zecretsanta]

Pandora's Box

To: @siggyklim

From: @chessanator

One very very smart Alice and one very very smart Lotus coming right up! I hope you like maths, and Merry Christmas!

(p.s. Please try and pretend that the prime numbers are bigger than they are. I realised half-way through writing that I didn’t have easy access to 19 industrial-grade prime numbers for fanfic-purposes)

Ao3

25th November, 2029

Alice knew that, technically speaking, Hazuki Kashiwabara fell under the purview of the ‘If I tell you, I’ll have to shoot you’ Protocol. She also didn’t much care. After the Nonary Game she had been kidnapped for and with both her daughters working for the Special Office of Internal Security, Hazuki already knew most of everything worth knowing, and knew why it was important to keep it all secret. More importantly, Hazuki was actually a really useful lady to have around. You didn’t just find her sort of genius standing by the side of the road. So Alice didn’t much care for anyone saying she wasn’t allowed to invite her friend into the Office whenever she felt like.

Of course, when an officer of the SOIS doesn’t care for something, it doesn’t actually matter.

So, one blatantly forged ID badge later, Hazuki was comfortably situated in Alice’s office, swinging the swivel-chair by the computer gently around. Alice settled for lounging on the sofa opposite. One of the key tenets of SOIS operations was matching intelligence assets to the task they were best suited for, and despite the electronic warfare training all agents went through Alice could be confident that with Hazuki at the computer there was little more she could contribute.

“So how are Nona and Ennea doing these days?” Hazuki asked. After nearly losing her two daughters a decade before, that question was always her first when she and Alice met.

“Overseas, at the moment,” Alice replied. She followed it up with her usual thin smile that said, ‘and you don’t need to know anything more.’

“‘Overseas’? Really?” Hazuki scoffed, “Wasn’t this supposed to be the office of internal security?”

Folding her arms and smirking, Alice said, “America’s internal security starts as far as possible from our borders. The earlier we catch the bastards, the safer we all are.”

“Yup, I guess so.” With that, Hazuki swung around in her chair, half way towards the keyboard. “So what’s up today, Alice? Who are we going to hack apart this time?”

Alice shrugged. “Maybe I just wanted to talk to an old friend.”

“You know, for a top secret agent of the most clandestine agency in the world, your lies are just awful. If you just wanted to chat, there are plenty of cafés around here where we could have met. About half of which are entirely staffed by patsies of yours, if you really needed to discuss something confidential.”

“That’s not true!” Alice exclaimed. She held her mock-outraged expression for a couple of seconds, then relaxed. “After Light quit his harpist job, we haven’t got any leverage on his replacement yet. That makes the number of cafés we control half-minus-one by my count, thank you.”

Hazuki chuckled lightly. Then, she continued, “Still, I know I’m right. We wouldn’t be meeting here if you didn’t need my skills. So tell me, Alice: what’s up?”

“Nothing world-ending,” Alice said, getting to the point, “Just this mafia group that’s resurfaced. The one that tried to take over the Las Vegas strip a couple of years back. We thought that we’d eradicated them back then, but it looks like we only managed to weed out all the stupid.” Annoyed as Alice was that the previous mission hadn’t been a complete success, it wasn’t a complete washout. At the very least, it had been a relatively proving ground for Light and Clover to win their spurs.

“Smart mafiosos? Rue the day.” Hazuki gestured avidly towards the computer she was sitting at and said, “Just general hacking disruption, then? Or are you after something in particular?”

Alice considered it. “We’d like to know where they are getting their money from. They couldn’t have recovered this fast without outside help.”

Hazuki grinned. “Can do.”

After five minutes of preparation, Hazuki was ready to go. Alice had done her part, aiming the computer at the closest thing the Office had to an entry-point to the gang’s computer network; now she could step back and just let Hazuki get to work. Hazuki cracked her knuckles and stretched out her back, ready to type.

Hazuki glanced at Alice.

Alice nodded.

The hacking began.

Green lines of code swept across the screen as Hazuki’s fingers swept across the keyboard. The screen flashed with one window full of data then another; Hazuki gave each only a moments glance, absorbing the information then dismissing the window in favour of the next. Each snippet of data informed the next piece of code, and without quite understanding what was going on Alice could feel them spiralling in and in towards their target. At the very least, Hazuki was grinning in anticipation.

And then the screen went blank.

“No!” Hazuki gasped. She slammed her hands onto the desk, rattling the keyboard.

Alice stared at the dark empty screen. “W-What happened?!”

“I was this close,” Hazuki hissed. She tapped the left mouse button a couple of times, bring the last few windows of data and code back onto the screen. “Look here. This group has set up their network by using a regularly updating schedule of private and public cryptography keys for an RSA system. After random intervals each computer in the network chooses a new private key, constructs the new public key, and distributes it to all the other trusted computers on the network. I had just set up a buffer-overflow past their final layer of defences, and I was this close to injecting code that would trick those computers into thinking we were part of the trusted network, when someone human noticed and scrubbed us out.”

Alice knew far more than the basics of computer security and infiltration, but even so she’d never heard of a cryptosystem complicated as that. “What’s with that? Surely that’s a bit excessive, especially compared to what this group had the last time we beat them.”

Hazuki let out a wry bitter chuckle, then said, “It’s probably worth it, if they knew we were after them. It was reasonably well-programmed, at least, and it had to have been the reason your in-house guys couldn’t break in. Even if you brought all your processing power to bear, you couldn’t break through. I found out that this was the public key just before we were kicked out –” Hazuki elegantly indicated a number – 599725548175349234588407 – at the bottom of the window she had restored “– but by the time you can get SOIS’ supercomputers into action to factorise it, they’ll have already moved onto another key.

“God help us. So even though we know it’s 599746013723 times 999 965876309, we still can’t…” Alice trailed off.

Hazuki sat there, frozen by complete disbelief.

Alice snapped her fingers in front of Hazuki’s face. “Hello? Hazuki Kashiwabara? Are you still with us?”

Hazuki murmured, “That’s… That’s not possible.”

“Thank god. I thought I was going to have to say that Seven had called you an old lady.”

Alice’s flippant comment went nowhere. Hazuki still stared at her, but her eyes showed none of the anger they should have. To be honest, Alice was rather concerned.

“Hazuki…? Lotus?”

“That’s completely impossible,” Hazuki said again. She turned back to the computer screen, furiously typed some code; she stopped and turned back to Alice only when another number had appeared on the screen. “Alice,” she said, concern filling her voice, “Can you look at this, please?”

Alice looked at the number: ‘724677698895304108732301’. “It’s 803065408993 times 902389382957,” she replied.

Hazuki pressed ‘enter’ on the keyboard; another number appeared. “And this?”

Alice didn’t need to study ‘668089868878852858021373’ for even a second. “769945710559 times 876710358947.”

Hazuki murmured again, “It’s completely impossible…” She tapped out a long string on the keyboard, then pressed enter again.

Alice stared at the number ‘90591875222471336864959701060623807145969394309’. “What the hell, Hazuki?”

“Thank goodness.” Hazuki sighed, her relief almost filling the room. “You can’t actually solve –”

“It’s obviously 324270473809 times 465783271379 times 599886421037 times 999836357587. Why are you wasting my time with simple things like this?”

“What the HELL?!”

Once Hazuki had recovered, she explained. “Alice… every single bit of computer security in the entire world depends on our inability to easily factorise primes. We can produce numbers in a couple of minutes that can’t be broken in centuries. Shouldn’t be broken in centuries. But you were doing it instantly.”

Alice shrugged. “I’ve told you. I’ve always been good at math.”

“I know. But this isn’t just ‘good-at-math’ good at math. This is ‘you could walk into any bank in the world and walk out with all their money’ good at math.” Hazuki paused, staring at Alice inquisitively. “Alice… Are you an esper?

“Huh?”

“I should have realised with Nona and Ennea,” Hazuki said, “I should have noticed the signs, when they started to get twice as good at school tests without needing to revise, and when one of them would know all the spoilers for a series that only the other had watched. If I’d noticed, maybe I could have protected them, or at least worked out why they had been taken. I decided that I would be more observant next time. So, Alice: are you an esper?”

Alice folded her arms sternly. “No. I’m not.”

At that moment, Clover leaned through the office door, her pink hair bouncing eagerly as swung on the doorframe. “Yep she is!”

“Clover!” Alice snapped.

“What? We’ve known all year: me, Light, all of us! Anyway, see you later!” Clover swung away and skipped down the corridor before Alice could reply.

Alice scowled, but she couldn’t avoid the truth. Everyone she’d demonstrated it to had been convinced that there was something extraordinary about her mathematical abilities. She hadn’t become a highly-ranked officer of SOIS by failing to look past her own biases. She took a deep breath and accepted the facts in front of her. “Interesting. I’m sure there’s some way the Office can use this.”

Hazuki nodded slightly. “You can break pretty much any encryption in the world. I’m sure your bosses will find something for you to do. But…” She trailed off, glaring at her computer screen. “Doesn’t help us much with this, though. The mafia group we were trying to hack were updating their keys too regularly. By the time I’ve given you one, you’ve factorised it, and I’ve hacked in, they’ll already have changed to another one. That’s for every single one of the 37 nodes of their network. And even if I do break through, the person who caught me last time will probably force me out again. If we could automate your ability, of course I could hack them. But…”

‘If we could automate your ability.’ Alice thought about those words, and a spark lit in her mind. She was still getting used to the idea of being an esper herself, but she was comfortably familiar with esper abilities as a concept and in practice. She had recruited Light and Clover, Nona and Ennea, and all the rest of the Nonary Game espers. She had trained them, seen them in action, carried them through their first missions. Mentoring those espers and making them useful to SOIS and the country had been the declared goal of the unit she led. But it hadn’t been the only goal.

“I think I have an idea.”

- 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 -

Hazuki watched as the technicians clustered around the sofa where Alice lay, fiddling with wires and waving scanning devices. It didn’t look to Hazuki like the bustling activity was actually making any progress at all, but eventually the techs decided they had completed what they had set out to accomplish and backed off, letting Alice sit up. Hazuki looked Alice over.

“Well congratulations, Alice,” she drawled, “You’re winning first prize at the next cyberpunk convention you go to.”

Alice really would have won such a prize. If the metal casing that covered the right side of her head wasn’t enough, and the flashing lights that spun around the surface didn’t seal the deal, then the fact that the wires – which sprouted in a chaotic rainbow-coloured nest above the device – also appeared to bury their way into her head would have convinced anyone that she was a technologically-enhanced agent for a clandestine government conspiracy. Correctly, as it happens.

“I have to ask: what is…” Hazuki carefully pointed at the device, making sure that her finger didn’t get caught in the tangle of wires or touch anything important. “… that?”

Alice tilted her head, testing out the weight of the thing that had been attached to it. “SOIS has been working on this for quite a while now. In fact, we’ve been developing this for… two years, now.” Alice said that last part as suggestively as possible. She hadn’t said, ‘from the moment we recruited the survivors of the Nonary Games,’ but she might as well have. “Ever since we found out that the morphogenetic field existed and that there were espers who could use it, we knew we had to employ it to protect the nation. We recruited every esper brave enough to join us, of course, but we couldn’t just leave it to chance. I wouldn’t rest if we were just leaving it to chance. So from the beginning we’ve wanted to see if we can automate esper abilities. Working with the gentlemen down at Area 51 who were researching… well, it’s classified. But this…” Alice pointed – far too calmly – at the contraption that had been wired into her brain. “This is the prototype for the device we came up with.”

Hazuki had a horrifying flash of images go through her mind; Ennea having that device clamped onto her head and Nona having that device clamped onto her head and both of them being wired into machines to be extracted from. “That sounds far too similar to what Gentarou Hongou and his Cradle goons were trying to accomplish. You wanted to put my daughters in –”

“Please,” Alice interrupted, “We weren’t planning on forcing anyone into it. Just like when Nona and Ennea joined us in the first place, it would have been entirely their choice. If we couldn’t have tested this with willing volunteers, it wouldn’t have been worth it at all.” Alice paused. “I’m rather glad I’m the one who is testing the prototype out. We hadn’t used it yet because we were concerned about the possibility of it affecting both siblings through their connection. If I’m not an esper, it shouldn’t cause me any harm, If I really am… I’ll have to learn maths from the ground up again. Probably.”

Hazuki could at least respect that her friend was willing to put own life on the line before involving anyone else. “Yup. Anyway, what are we supposed to do with this?”

“It should be wirelessly connected to that computer,” Alice explained, “You send me numbers; I’ll factorise them and send them back to you. If it works the way I imagine it will then I won’t even need to consciously think about it: it’ll just happen.”

Alice seemed perfectly comfortable having that device connected to her brain, and Hazuki trusted her friend to weigh up the benefits and risks and make the best choice. If so, then they were ready to begin. Hazuki sat down at the computer and began her usual pre-programming stretches, loosening her muscles and getting a feel for where the keyboard lay in front of her. Once her back muscles were fully exercised and supple she was ready to go.

“Let’s kick some ass.”

It really was too good to be true. In fact, it was a hacker’s dream in digital form. Hazuki barely had to do anything at all once the original program was written. The code just did the work for her. As the attack encountered each obstacle, Alice would hum to herself and numbers would fly across the screen as the encryption key was factorised to shreds. At one point the enemy sysadmin caught her like before and reformatted one hacked computer. Then another. Then a third. It didn’t matter. Hazuki had complete control over every other computer on the network, and the freed computers were reinfected with malware faster than Hazuki could blink. Overwhelmed, the enemy gave up.

Nothing could stop her.

With the hack successful, it was time to make use of the access she had. Hazuki started by scouring the databases for every picture of gang members she could find, downloading them to the SOIS servers. That would help the police find and arrest every last one of the bastards. She looked up information about the routes they used to smuggle in drugs and victims, and plotted them as best she could on a map. Then, with the obvious stuff done, Hazuki went further.

A politician who the mafia had been blackmailing: his details and proof were anonymously slipped to a local newspaper. Irregularities in the accounts of the casino the gang had laundered money through highlighted and sent to the IRS. Emails to two hit-squads edited to direct them away from their at-least-probably-more-innocent targets and at each other’s hideouts. With her all-encompassing presence on their computers, Hazuki could do to them whatever she wanted.

Finally, because it was what Alice had originally asked her to find, Hazuki went for the money. She didn’t know anything about how criminal syndicates organised their cashflow; her career before she had met Alice had only been at boringly respectable companies. But looking at it from the position she occupied, it was clear as day. One by one, the accounts were drained, frozen, and involuntarily donated to missing-children charities. After five minutes, the only trace left of all the gang’s crime-earned cash was the database of transactions that Hazuki had downloaded.

Hazuki pressed escape. The attack program ended, closing every window but the one that showed the financial documents.

“Bullseye!” Hazuki called across the room, “Alice, I did it! We won’t see those bastards anytime soon.”

When Hazuki glanced round, Alice was tapping the esper device bemusedly. “Really? It hardly felt like anything was happening on my end. Hmm… I guess they were telling the truth when they told us this was safe.”

“I guess they were,” Hazuki replied. She paused. “Still, test it out one someone else before giving my daughters one. I’m sure Clover would be an eager guinea-pig.”

“Yup!” Clover had stuck her head through the door again as she skipped back down the corridor. She stared at the protruding web of wires coming from Alice’s head. “Woah, that looks awesome! Is this the new SOIS thing? Tell me when I get mine!” Before Alice or Hazuki could give Clover a reply – sensible or otherwise – Clover had skipped away again.

Alice shrugged elegantly. “I guess so.” She stretched, then stood up from the sofa she had been resting on while the hack was in progress and walked over to Hazuki, reading the screen over her shoulder. “Those are the accounts of all those criminal’s money, then? Did you manage to find out who was funding them?”

As far as Hazuki was concerned – and she knew that Alice felt the same way – accounting was the job of people who went to work in suits, not those who could wear whatever they damn well pleased. But there were some simple macros she could set to work that might just do the job for her. She started one, searching for any name that appeared too often in the list of transactions she had taken.

To her surprise, it worked. One single name, belonging to one single organisation, appeared in the list ten times as often as anything that wasn’t one of the mafia’s own accounts. Practically every single cent the mafia had owned had at some point in its life passed through the wallet of this one particular company.

“Alice,” Hazuki murmured, “Have you ever heard of a company called Epsilon Derivatives Ltd?”

Alice frowned. “No. I’ve never heard of it. But… Something about the way it sounds famil–”

Before Alice could finish, every single klaxon in the SOIS building went off at once.

“Alert! Electronic warfare attack in progress! Electronic warfare attack in progress! Turn off all non-necessary computerised equipment until an all-clear announcement is made. Electronic warfare attack in progress!”

“No.” Alice’s voice came out as a slight determined hiss.

Hazuki didn’t need to be told once. “I’ll see what I can do.” Drawing in more of the SOIS processing and network resources than she was technically supposed to have access to, Hazuki started to explore how the attack was targeting SOIS. It was easy enough: she quickly found some malicious code that had been injected into an obscure section of the operating system. Weirdly, it would have activated the fire-prevention sprinklers the next time Light Field used his voice-controlled computer. Hazuki quickly removed it; she didn’t want to get wet.

Then she noticed another thing: pieces of malware and viruses and trojans being inserted into files across the parts of the system Hazuki could access. She scoured out each one she could directly alter, directed the antiviruses towards the ones she couldn’t, and then came back to find even more malware in the spaces she had previously cleared.

Something about the whole thing seemed disturbingly familiar.

Defending mindlessly wasn’t going to be enough. Hazuki left the antiviruses to search for malware as best they could and turned her attention to the channel of incoming attacks. The attacker was redirecting their attacks via thousands of decoy computers around the entire internet and Hazuki couldn’t work out where the attack was originating from. But it was all arriving at the same place, and Hazuki was able to intercept some of the incoming packets as they streamed. She read them.

Lines of obviously malicious code, all cryptographically signed as though it had come from inside SOIS, each one naïvely accepted by the system because of that forged verification.

Hazuki hoped that the fact that she had just used the same technique herself wasn’t the only reason she worked it out so quickly. Someone with her skills and experience should have been able to puzzle it out even from scratch. That was all academic, though; SOIS encryption had been broken, the attack was underway, and Hazuki had to get that information out as quickly and as clearly as possible.

“Alice! They’ve broken our encryption!” she called out. After a pause, she added, “Just like we did.”

“How many of our keys have been broken?” Alice asked.

Hazuki glanced at the incoming packets of malware again. One said it had come from the head of SOIS’ research department, another claimed to have come from the Vice-President, a third one had been forged to appear as if Alice herself had authorised it.

“All of them.”

Alice stayed stoic; her voice stayed level and controlled. “Their target will be the top-secret information we have stored in the databases here. Our resources, our current missions, our agents’ identities.” Nona’s and Ennea’s faces flashed before Hazuki’s eyes as Alice said that. Alice continued, “What’s our defence?”

There was no defence. “We have to unplug everything,” Hazuki replied, “Literally everything. I’d tell you what to prioritise, but if I knew what the most important things were you’d probably have to shoot me. Just… Just rip the cables out of the servers if you have to. It’s the only way.”

Alice nodded. “Okay. Stay here.” Alice darted for the door of the office, stopping only to turn and slide a small earpiece across the desk towards Hazuki. “I’m heading to the server room. Do the best you can to delay, and contact me if anything changes up here.” Then, Alice was gone.

Hazuki focused all her attention back on the computer screen. Delay. That was what she had to do. She couldn’t defend, but if she programmed as hard and as smart as she ever had before, she might just be able to slow the enemy down.

As the attacker extended their control over the SOIS network Hazuki followed, watching where their attention was directed. Alice knew what she was talking about: the databases had to be the target. Hazuki made use of that, laying false trails and setting up decoys that would appear to be the main database up until the moment they were accessed. After the first two decoys were found and quickly left behind, Hazuki filled the third with false information, constructing profiles of non-existent agents from photos of celebrities and fictitious mission reports from the most ludicrous of Alice’s bar tales.

The attacker paused there for two and a half extra seconds.

The decoy tactics had been spent. From there, the attacker headed almost directly for the true database. Hazuki threw her last-ditch attempt into the ring, obfuscating the directory pathway by breaking every last rule of data-retrieval good practice in the books. That bought maybe one more second.

The attacker reached the database.

Hazuki’s computer monitor went black. The alarms suddenly stopped. Silence fell across the office. Hazuki held her breath, not knowing what the result had been.

The silence was broken by a tinny voice coming through the earpiece on the table. Hazuki desperately scrabbled it up and clamped it to her ear. “Hello?” Hazuki asked into it. She realised at this point that Alice had never taught her about radio protocol.

Fortunately, it was Alice speaking. “Hazuki? What’s happening? How far did the opposition penetrate? Did they find anything that could compromise us?”

“I have no idea. They’d just reached the database when everything went down…”

“If it went down just now, then it was when I disconnected the rest of the servers.”

Hazuki sighed with relief.

“Hazuki. Give me your professional judgment,” Alice continued, “about how much damage has been done. Could they have extracted any sensitive information?”

Hazuki considered. She was sure that a data-dump of the system’s process history would reveal that the enemy hacker had accessed the main database. She was also sure that it had only been for a couple of milliseconds. After watching the enemy smash through every electronic defence SOIS had, it would be all too easy to ascribe an almost-infinite amount of power and ability to them. But that could only lead to paranoia. No-one human could have understood anything from the database in that miniscule amount of time. Hazuki replied. “They couldn’t. You stopped them just in time.”

“Good.” Alice paused, and the silence crackled through the radio. “There’s a lot of details for the higher-ups to sort out here… and they will want to assign blame. If it comes to a tribunal, I’ll vouch for you. You did more to protect us than anyone in our own department. If it was up to me, you’d get a medal, but… somehow I don’t think they’ll be thinking about that.” Another pause, another crackle. “Wait there. I’ll sort things out as best I can and get back to you.” The earpiece fell silent.

Hazuki slunk back into her seat. So that was it? The bad guys hadn’t broken anything too much, so all was good? No. Hazuki couldn’t just sit there passively.

She leaned back towards the computer. Without the full infrastructure of the SOIS computer system behind her she wouldn’t have a connection quite as versatile as the one she had before: a great shame. But without it she was blind, and even after she has reworked the SOIS network protocol to allow her further access it shouldn’t allow the enemy hackers any more chances to attack the SOIS system.

Besides, she was curious.

Even through the very limited connection she could muster, Hazuki could at least do something. Since she and the computer she was sitting a had been key in the defence of the SOIS network, some details of the attack were stored on the computer’s own memory rather than anywhere else. Hazuki looked up the proxy computers the attackers had used. She wasn’t going to actually hack them, of course: most of them were personal computers of innocent, if annoyingly stupid, people who had managed to allow malware in that turned them into parts of the botnet. But she could follow the signal traffic.

For a few minutes, the traffic statistics were pretty typical, for normal computer-illiterate users. But then the computers were driven into action once again. Their processing power wasn’t being aimed at SOIS this time. Instead, all the internet traffic was being sent to another target. Though that target shouldn’t have had security and encryption in anyway correlated with that of SOIS, the attacker began to break it apart after only a short pause.

For some reason, that address of the new target looked worryingly familiar. Hazuki looked it up its address from the information SOIS had available.

That IP address was labelled only by a single symbol: a bright yellow circle, with three symmetrical protruding wedges.

Hazuki grasped the earpiece, yelling into it in a panic. “Alice! Alice! They’re going–”

- 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 -

5 minutes earlier…

“Alert! Electronic warfare attack in progress! Electronic warfare attack in progress! Turn off all non-necessary computerised equipment until an all-clear announcement is made. Electronic warfare attack in progress!”

“No…” Alice almost couldn’t believe it. No-one had been brave or reckless or stupid enough to try to hack SOIS since computers had been invented. Still, drills had been prepared for this. First step: consult the experts.

‘Experts’ had officially meant the slowpokes down in IT in those drills, but Alice had an actual computer expert on-hand.

“They’ve broken our encryption! Just like we did!” Hazuki announced. She was already busy at work managing the attack, so Alice just asked the one most important question.

“How many of our keys have been broken?”

“All of them.”

With a co-ordinated all-out attack on SOIS like this, there was only one place the attackers could be going: the main database. Almost everything that America had declared officially Top-Secret, as well as everything that had been kept actually top-secret by not officially being declared so, was kept there. Alice explained it.

“We have to unplug everything,” Hazuki replied, “Literally everything. I’d tell you what to prioritise, but if I knew what the most important things were you’d probably have to shoot me. Just… Just rip the cables out of the servers if you have to. It’s the only way.”

Alice leapt towards the door. She stopped only to slide a radio earpiece along the desk to Hazuki, and then she was off.

The server room was three floors down from Alice’s office. Alice vaulted over the railing in the stairwell to drop the first level, but stumbled as she landed. Alice had lied somewhat to Hazuki when she had claimed to have hardly felt anything from the hacking esper device still attached to her head. Really, she had been given a throbbing headache, and it was only getting worse as she went along. If Alice wanted to ensure she reached the server room at all, she’d have to accept taking a longer time and go down the stairs normally.

Later than she would have hoped, and perhaps later than she could afford, Alice arrived at the server room. She stared at the banks of servers that ran all the way along the walls, further than Alice could see through the dimmed lights. These were what the attacker had come to steal from. These were what she had to protect.

Alice couldn’t tell which servers could access the most sensitive blocks of data just by looking at them; through the knotted forest of cables that connected them she could barely tell the different servers apart. It didn’t matter. She had to disconnect everything, and deciding where to start would waste more time than it was worth.

She started pulling out the cables from their sockets, yanking out several at a time, as many as she could grasp at once. It was too slow.

She pulled out her combat knife from her holster and switched to slicing through the wires with its brilliantly sharp edge. It was much faster than just pulling them out. It was still too slow.

Alice took a gamble. There had to be someway of disconnecting everything at once, for precisely this situation. Turning her attention away from the servers right in front of her, she sprinted down the room searching for some sort of master switch.

As Alice ran, her headache grew and grew. With her training, it was easy to force herself to ignore it. Her own personal comfort could come later, after the Office was safe. She continued to run.

Someone less alert would have missed it, or over-shot. The master switch had been buried between the servers, so that you couldn’t even see its alcove from the aisle. But Alice noticed the break in the pattern, skidded to a halt, and dived her hands in.

Alice yanked down the lever.

The lights in the server room went out completely.

The alarm died.

Alice couldn’t rest yet. She was completely in the dark – literally and figuratively – about whether she had been in time… or not. That needed to be rectified. Alice spoke into her earpiece, contacting the one she’d left for Hazuki. “Hazuki. Sit-rep?” Alice asked.

There were a few moments of silence before Hazuki replied. “Alice?”

Of course. Hazuki didn’t know what ‘sit-rep’ meant. “What’s happening? How far did the opposition penetrate? Did they find anything that could compromise us?” Alice asked, more explicitly.

“I have no idea. They’d just reached the database when everything went down…”

“If it went down just now, then it was when I disconnected the rest of the servers.” From Hazuki’s description, it had been close: very close. There was nothing on any of the servers that Alice could see that would indicate whether or not they had been accessed. Of course, they were all entirely dormant. So Alice had to ask. “Hazuki. Give me your professional judgment about how much damage has been done. Could they have extracted any sensitive information?”

Silence. Then, finally, an answer. “They couldn’t. You stopped them just in time.”

Alice slumped back against the rack of servers opposite the master switch. She had the answer she needed; she had succeeded. Now, the aftermath.

She could, at least, focus her entire mind on considering that aftermath. Her headache, which had reached its thumping migraine-like zenith as she’d found the master switch, had begun to quickly subside as she relaxed.  That left room to think about the important questions.

Like the most important question of all: how had the enemy hacked SOIS with such insulting ease? Had someone been turned, blackmailed, or persuaded into giving up the encryption keys? Or merely been sloppy, and exposed them by accident? Either way, the result for that person would be the same. They’d told someone they shouldn’t had, and the consequences had been dire, and Alice or whichever of the other fully-trusted agents found them first would have to shoot them.

But what if that hadn’t been the scenario? What if…? What if…? Considering all the various possibilities was starting to bring Alice’s migraine back with a vengeance.

Alice’s radio earpiece crackled, the sound almost painful with how sensitive Alice’s headache had made her. Then Hazuki’s voice yelled desperately from it, adding worry and concern to the purely physical pain. “Alice! Alice!”

“Hazuki,” Alice said, trying her well-honed best to not show any weakness, “What is it?”

Hazuki’s reply chilled Alice to the point where she would show weakness whether she wanted to or not.

“They’re going for the nuclear codes!”

The nuclear codes. The ability, for good or more likely ill, to control and launch America’s entire nuclear arsenal. That was what the enemy was seeking. If they succeeded… everything was over.

“How are the defences holding up?” Alice asked.

“They aren’t!” came Hazuki’s tinny reply, “They’re breaking through the encryption as quickly as they did ours. I hate to say this, but there’s no way they’re doing this without the same ability to factorise primes that we were using.”

‘The same ability to factorise primes’? Alice could recognise something that very definitely wasn’t a coincidence when it was right in front of her. A resurfacing nuisance funded by a single shady source? An encryption system that practically required automatic prime-factorisation to break? A widespread co-ordinated attack on SOIS and then the nuclear infrastructure immediately after? This had been planned.

The hacking esper device must have been compromised. That was the only conclusion.

Alice tried to wrench the device from her head. That failed; it had been clamped on perfectly. She changed tack, returning her combat knife to her hand – she ignored the way her hand tremored with feelings of déjà vu – and raised it towards the side of her head. She prised the device up as far as it would go. With a single motion, she sliced through all the wires that went into her head.

Blinding pain ran into her brain. The device fell away from her, but she could barely see it; she couldn’t hear it at all as it clattered on the floor. It was a miracle that she stayed standing, and conscious.

The pain was worth it, though. Without the device, the enemy’s attack wouldn’t be able to continue.

Alice almost heard something coming through her earpiece. Hazuki? She sounded concerned about… something. Alice couldn’t hear what, and couldn’t pay attention to it, anyway. The headache consumed her mind. It wasn’t the pain from violently removing the device, though that was still there. It was the same headache as before. The very same headache that had formed when she and Hazuki had first tried using Alice’s new-found esper abilities. Through that headache, and from that headache, Alice realised.

It wasn’t the esper device that the enemy had targeted, though that had tried to make it appear that way to anyone who noticed the first layer of their scheme. It was Alice herself. That was their true trap.

Alice couldn’t stop this just by removing some equipment. She raced out of the server room and stumbled in the direction of the medical bay. Now that she had learned what to focus on, she could see the prime numbers flying through her mind: 324143286479 and 803205935663 and 867527277251 and 902450929507 and 599770933939 and 465836618921 and 324330453487 and 999999999899 and 770009701301 and… Alice knew that these numbers were her side’s numbers, but she couldn’t help but factorise them anyway.

She’d never been so violated: not even the year before when she and Clover had been captured and then unceremoniously released because they were no longer needed. How the hell were those bastards doing this to her? Subverting a piece of hardware like the device that she had used was worrying, given that SOIS security should have prevented it, but at least she understood how that could happen.

A phrase rose out of Alice’s recollection, from something she had read in a speculative report. The veracity and trustworthiness of that intelligence had been considered incredibly dubious at the time, but it had been as good as information got about Alice’s greatest and most hated enemy. So when the phrase ‘Mind Hack’ returned to her mind, she gave it more credence this time around.

God, no. Fuck no! Alice wasn’t going to let Brother and Free the Soul and their damn Myrmidons do whatever they liked with her mind. Alice might have fallen into the trap they had set by funding the mafia, and she might have taken until then to unravel it, but it would end right there.

Alice burst into the medical bay. She found the stocks of Soporil Beta quickly. No need to measure out the dose: with Alice’s resistance it would need to be the entire vial or nothing. She slotted it into the injection gun.

The one thing that Brother needed to complete his plan and take control of the country’s nukes was Alice’s esper abilities. The one thing Alice could take from him was her own consciousness. Alice gladly took the injection gun and shot it into her own leg.

Blackness descended over Alice’s sight, but she could taste her victory. It tasted… bittersweet.

- 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 

25th December, 2029

Hazuki made sure that she was there when Alice was allowed to return to the land of the conscious. She’d learned over the past month that if you were bold enough and unique enough, SOIS employees just accepted that you were supposed to be there. And when looking like the perfect model of a SOIS agent wasn’t enough, the still-technically-fake ID card that Alice had given her was.

Alice still lay on the bed. Thick, many-times wrapped bandages replaced the device in covering her head. Just cutting the device out like that had been utterly ridiculous, and they said that it was a miracle that Alice had survived it. But Hazuki’s friend was tough to the core, so Hazuki hadn’t been entirely surprised when the doctors had told her that not only was Alice still alive but she hadn’t even suffered any brain damage.

Those doctors now crowded around, examining the monitor of her brain activity and the IV line that dripped in more Soporil, second by second. That was just like every other time Hazuki had visited. But this time the anaesthetist began to fiddle with the intake, preparing to reduce the level and gradually wake Alice up. Holding up the value on the IV line, she glanced at Hazuki expectantly.

Hazuki took her position: a computer that had been set up in the medical bay specifically for this moment. This wasn’t anything like the jury-rigged construction Hazuki had used after the main servers had gone down during the attack on that day. This computer had been tailor-made, completely separate from the main SOIS network – which would be deactivated again, in any case, until they knew it was safe – containing an excessive armament of malware to aim at anyone who decided to make it a target, and with its own hard shut-down switch in case it was hacked.

Hazuki returned the anaesthetist’s glance, and nodded.

The IV slowed, dripped, dripped, dripped, and then stopped. Alice began to stir, her eyelids flickering and her breathing growing stronger. The head doctor leaned over, checking her vital signs.

Alice’s eyes snapped open. She reached up and twisted the doctor’s hand away from her, sitting up in one smooth motion. “Where am I?!” she demanded to know. Before she could be given an answer she looked around the room, her head and eyes moving in measured precise jolts. “Not our radiation shelter,” she muttered, “And you don’t look like you’re all cultists. So I guess the world hasn’t ended; thank goodness.”

“It hadn’t ended last time I checked,” Hazuki said, “I can look again, if you want.”

“Hazuki!” Alice gasped, before regaining her composure. She stared at Hazuki’s computer, a slight frown of concern forming. “Is it safe for me to be conscious? Is there any chance of the Myrmidons trying to use my abilities to break encryption again?”

Hazuki checked the monitor of her computer. None of the decoy computers that hackers had used previously had activated, and more importantly there was no suspicious extra traffic at either SOIS or the nuclear codes or anywhere else that SOIS considered sensitive.

“I don’t think so,” Hazuki replied. She paused, appreciated the sceptical look on Alice’s face, then explained, “It must have taken them all year to assemble the botnet and the processing power they needed to attempt this. When we did, we were able to track down all the computers they had infected and get them cleaned out. Plus, when they got desperate and overextended themselves…” Hazuki swivelled the monitor to show Alice a particularly pleasant video she had saved. On screen, Ennea, Nona, Clover and Light escorted a half-dozen handcuffed blonde-haired identical complete monsters into SOIS’ cells. “The Myrmidons had one shot at this. Thanks to you, that one shot failed.”

“Good,” Alice stated. Now more relaxed she looked around the medbay again, this time noticing the lines of tinsel that lined the walls, far enough away from anything that needed to be kept sterile. “So, already Christmas? What present did you get for me?”

“It’s a secret. If I told you, I’d have to shoot you.” Hazuki laughed.

Alice scowled. “So it’s not Brother’s head on a platter? With extra salt, for his wounds? No?” Alice leapt out of her bed. She stumbled slightly, testing muscles that hadn’t been exercised for a month. But then she was standing tall and proud, just as Hazuki had always known her, before striding towards the door. “I guess we’d better get started, then! Come on, Hazuki. Let’s kick some ass.”

Hazuki carefully shut down her computer, then stood up. It had been a long dread-filled month, but she could still smile.

“That’s right, Alice. Let’s kick some ass.”

[another-tmnt-writer]

Not the One

Raphael x Reader

Not the One

Prompt: It was hella long and hella good and basically, it’s a soulmate AU with a twist and aaaaaaaaaah I’m in love with this idea.

Note: AAAAAAAAAAAH I’M DYINGGGGG I’M SO EXCITED TO WRITE THISSSSSSS. Edit: this took so much longer than intended, but it came out a lot longer than I intended too, so...

@wumperin @brayden1616

“Yer kidding. A week. We have an entire week like this?” Raph looked at his very human fingers on his very human hands attached to his very (temporarily) human body. “An entire week?”

“Possibly longer.” Donatello scanned himself and his brothers. What had been a lab accident while handling the purple ooze had resulted in whatever this was. Raph had another concern. His soulmate timer was within hours now, and maybe being like this would help him meet the person he was meant to spend his entire life with.

“So…” Leo tried to come up with a plan. But if he was being honest, he had no idea how to handle this.

“We’ve gotta seize the opportunity, dudes. We’re only ever going to be normal once, we have to take advantage of it.”

“And?” Leo raised an eyebrow.

“We’re gonna go to school.”

***

“So these are your…” The counselor from the high school looked up to April and Casey, the boys standing in a line behind them.

“These are my nephews.” April said. “They’re kind of transfer students, but only for a week or so. It’s part of a program to let Queens students experience what school is like in the rest of New York City.”

“Sounds doable. Do you have their grades and records and such on hand, or do I need to contact their other school for the information?”

“It should all be here, but I can call Principal Mayweather if we’re missing anything.” April pushed her glasses up her nose and handed the counselor a flash drive Donnie had thrown together that morning.

“Great. Thank you so much.”

Raph glanced down at his timer. Minutes. Minutes now. The counselor gave them their schedules and sent them on their way. It was about ten minutes until class was supposed to start, and about ten until Raph was supposed to meet his soulmate. God, his heart was racing in his unusual human chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.

April and Casey said goodbye to the boys and told them they’d come pick them up after school. Next, they attempted to find their lockers. All the way up on the third floor above the art wing. Raph scanned the numbers for the four that belonged to himself and his brothers. It took a few minutes, but they found them. God, combination locks were confusing, but Donnie helped him figure it out with his clumsy human fingers. He wasn’t used to having so many. What were the extra two good for anyway?

He grabbed his math book and his notebook and calculator and dumped it into the red backpack that sort of made him feel like he had a shell again. It was a comforting weight, sort of. It gave an illusion that he was still who he had always been, despite looking and feeling so different now. Needing all of the same core classes meant that the boys were together for their first two hours, but they broke off in the afternoon to do the specials they had chosen.

So off they headed to Geometry, where they were sure Donnie would have to explain everything to them. When they got to the classroom, they were greeted by a group of fresh faces. Nerds, jocks, preps, goths, rockers, it seemed that everyone was represented. A few of the girls whispered to one another, subtly pointing to the group of attractive boys in front of them and giggling about the endless possibilities.

“Transfer students, huh? There are some seats over there in the back of the room. What are your names?”

“Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo.” Leo answered. Mrs. Russo’s skeptical face told them he should have given her their nicknames instead. “Our uh, parents are huge art geeks.” He offered.

“I can tell. Well, Renaissance gang, you can sit in the four seats to the left of Ms. (L/N). (Y/N), raise your hand please.”

You didn’t lower the book from your face when you raised your hand. Raph didn’t know what it was about you that was throwing him off, but there was something there. It felt like a wire had wrapped around his heart and was starting to squeeze. Great. A heart attack what- twenty seconds- before he met his soulmate. Wonderful.

He walked over and took the seat beside you, his brothers settling into the other seats. As the bell rang to signal class had started, you folded your bookmark into the center of the book and set it on the desk beside your math stuff. Finally, you glanced over at Raph just as his counter hit zero.

His green eyes widened as he took in everything about you. The cute black plastic frames that sat on your nose, the perfect bun of soft locks that sat atop your head, the music notes painted onto your fingernails and the piano key suspenders that held up your black skirt. You were so goddamned cute he could barely stand it. His heart hammered in his chest. And then he spotted the timer on your wrist.

You still had ten days left.

He looked around to see if anyone else had finished their timer, but there wasn’t anyone. Just him.

“You’re the new kids?” You asked. God, your voice was so sweet. It hurt. Maybe you weren’t meant to be with him, but he knew with all of his beating heart that he was meant to be with you.

“Y-yeah.” Raph replied. “I’m Raphael. Call me Raph.” He smiled at your unknowing gaze. You didn’t know how much you had crushed him in the instants he had known you.

“(Y/N) (L/N).” His eyes wandered to the book on your desk.

“What’cha reading?”

“Beastly.” You replied, handing him the worn book. “I’ve read it like seven thousand times. It’s honestly amazing. I’m in love with Beauty and the Beast, so this is just- ugh it’s so good.”

“Hmm.” He flipped through the pages before handing it back to you. “I’ll have ta check it out sometime. Never seen it.”

“You what?! We’ve gotta change that.” You smiled at the little interaction.

“Might just have to take ya up on that offer.” He grinned. You felt your heart melt a little.

Mrs. Russo started the lesson, and it didn’t take long for Raph to become completely and utterly confused. Donnie was busy helping Mikey and Leo seemed to understand what was happening, but Raph was so lost. And based on the notes on your page, you seemed to get it.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Can you uh, I don’t get it.”

“Sure!” you nodded. “What do you need help with?”

“How are ya supposed to use the whatever-it-is to find the side? I keep getting’ the wrong numbers.”

“Okay so this is the hypotenuse.”

“Mmhmm.”

“And so you just add the squares of the other sides to-”

“This is a triangle, what do squares have to do with it?” he asked. You giggled.

“You’ve never taken Geometry before, have you?”

“How’d ya guess?” he offered a sheepish chuckle and shook his head. “It may as well be written in Chinese.”

“Well, tell you what, I don’t have any plans after school. If you need a tutor, you could come to my apartment. We’ll watch Beauty and the Beast and do math. Two birds in one stone.”

“Sounds great.” He felt his heart start hammering again and wished it would stop. He couldn’t have you. You weren’t his to have. He wasn’t your soulmate. The universe didn’t care about his feelings. And yet, he accepted the invitation knowing full well that the more he built up momentum, the harder he’d fall when he lost you.

***

“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this movie.” You told him as you sat down with the popcorn on the couch of your apartment. The math was done, and now all that was left was to expose him to the movie you held nearest and dearest to your heart.

“Grew up with four boys, there’s not a whole lot of Disneying that goes on.”

“Well, I guess that’s what I’m around for, right?” You asked, tossing a few kernels of fluffy popcorn into your mouth. Raph grabbed a handful too.

“Guess so. That and math assistance.” He chuckled. You pressed play and draped a blanket over your legs and his. You had only met Raph that afternoon, but it felt like you had known him for years. Maybe he was just meant to be your best friend. Maybe there was a secret internal clock that had stopped ticking while the one counting down her true love was still running.

As the movie started, Raph watched every second. He loved every minute of it, but maybe only because he had you beside him, reciting every word right along with it. He was surprised the DVD even worked at all with how many times you had probably watched it. It was unhealthy, but this perfect little quirk was one of the many things he’d miss when he’d have to let you go.

***

After morning classes the next day, you found Raph and his brothers at lunch and took a seat with them instead of sitting with your other friends as you usually did. The other three smiled at you. They had talked to Raph the night before in a conversation that had basically consisted of Raph telling them about his soulmate that wasn’t his soulmate and the movie they had watched about loving people beyond their exterior. Donnie had called it beautifully tragic and pretty damn ironic. Raph agreed. But he was determined to be friends with you at least. He wanted to get to know you. He’d rather know you for a week and then never see you again than never know you for who you really were before it was too late.

“Hey guys.”

“Hey (Y/N),” Raph grinned.

“So, I figured, if this is your only week here, we’ve gotta make the best of it. Mall. Tonight. Do you have plans?”

“No.” Leo answered. “No plans.”

“Good. I have a car. Meet me by my locker after school.”

“All right, angelcakes.” Mikey winked. “We’ll be there.”

***

Here they were. The mall. It wasn’t what they had expected, but in a way, it was. There were pretzel stands and pop-up Chinese food places, a bunch of clothing stores that they could smell from the other end of the mall, and of course the movie theater. You and the boys nestled into the corner booth of the food court with giant pretzels, nachos, and giant red slushies. And they just watched.

“You guys act like you’ve never been to a mall before.” You chuckled, taking a sip of your slushy. They offered apologetic shrugs.

“Would it be bad if we told ya we haven’t?” Raph asked. You raised an eyebrow.

“Seriously?! This trip has taken on a new importance. After we finish these pretzels, we have a mission.”

“What are we gonna do?” Leo asked.

“Everything.”

You had promised everything, and you had pretty much delivered. Hollister? Check. Target? Check. The arcade? Check. Photo booth? Check. Movie? In progress. Raph as seated beside you with Mikey on his other side. Mikey kept making attempts at signaling his older brother to get him to make a move on you. Raph shook his head. The move wasn’t his to make. He couldn’t push himself on you. Not like this.

But when there was a huge jump scare, you clung to his bicep, causing both of your heart rates to soar. A slow smile crept across his lips.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry.” You apologized. Raph leaned into whisper a reply.

“No harm done. If ya need someone to protect ya from the monsters, I’m right here.”

“Oh hush, you.” You giggled as a timid blush settling across your cheeks and gave his shoulder a tiny shove, earning a deep chuckle. Another distorted creature jumped out of the shadows on the screen. Mikey spilled popcorn, and you pulled one of Raph’s large hands in front of your face. He laughed and smiled at you, a soft smile that his brothers had never seen before.

But it faded just as fast as it had formed with the realization that he only had a few more days with you before he’d have to say goodbye. Forever. He had been human for so long now that he had forgotten he’d have to go back. The clock was ticking. He had to take advantage of this while he could because before he knew it, he’d lose his soulmate just as fast as he had found her.

***

The week passed in a breeze. Your school days consisted of helping Raph with math and having lunch with him and his brothers. After school hours, all five of you would pile into your car and go back to your apartment for pizza and movies. But today…today was different. Today was goodbye. Raph wanted to make it special. If he was going to let you go, he certainly didn’t want you to forget him.

April had helped him pack a picnic basket and assisted him with his surprise present. So at noon on Saturday, he arrived at your apartment to pick you up and then you took the train to Central Park.

He had told you that the rest of the boys were busy packing up, but really they just wanted to give their brother space to say goodbye to you on his own. After all, he was the one losing the most when they became turtles again. He had hours.

You sat down on the red and white checkered blanket and helped him unpack the food and such. You popped a bright strawberry into your mouth. It was a few minutes before Raph brought up the topic of goodbye.

“So uh, we’re goin’ back to Queens tomorrow.” Raph said. You nodded. “So uh, I wanted to say goodbye.”

“It’s not like we can’t still hang out, right? We can still be friends.” You looked at him. He smiled sadly. “Can’t we?”

“I don’t know. I just…I’m not what you think I am…I’m not who you think I am. You’re meeting your soulmate in three days and-”

“How did you know about that?” you asked, heart racing at the thought of the future being so close. Too close.

“It’s on yer wrist.” Raph shrugged. A sad look formed in his green eyes and a sudden wave of realization washed over you. You grabbed Raph’s hand, pulling his wrist so you could see it. He tried to pull it back from you, but didn’t want to fight you, and he didn’t want to lie to you either. Well, more than he already was anyway.

“Your timer…” Your face scrunched up. “Who’s your soulmate?”

“That’s a…complicated question.” Raph answered. You looked at him slowly, hesitating to meet his gaze. As soon as your eyes fell on his, his hand tensed up.

“No.” your voice was quiet, eyes wide and heart trying to escape your chest. “It can’t…I can’t…Mine is still…” Your eyes locked onto the numbers as they ticked lower and lower. You denied it, and yet maybe you had known the moment you met him. Something was off. Something about the way h talked to you, the way he interacted with you.

“I know. It’s impossible. But uh, I never really expected to have a soulmate anyway, so…I guess at least I got to know ya before I gotta say goodbye.”

“But-”

“It’s all right.” Raph read the hurt on your face. The broken that came with the hand the universe had dealt the two of you. “I’ll be all right. So will you when you meet him.” He reached into the basket. “I got ya something to remember me by.”

Raph pulled out a little velvet box and opened it. Inside was a necklace: a silver turtle pendant on a leather cord. “I…I know it ain’t much, but-”

“I love it.” You told him. You wish you could tell him more. That you loved him, that you were his soulmate, but one of those statements wasn’t true. Raph did the clasp around your neck and pulled your hair over the cord. He smiled sadly. You took his hand in your own. “No matter what happens…no matter what the universe has in store for either of us…I will never forget you, Raphael. I promise. And I know it doesn’t matter much, but…I love you.” You stated quietly. He pulled you into his arms and held you as though you would disappear.

“It matters more that ya could ever know. I love you too.”

***

Raph woke up the next morning the way he grew up. A turtle. Big and bulky and covered in muscle. His scales and shell had reappeared as his extra fingers and hair had disappeared. He rolled over and stared at the wall. You were gone. He had lost you forever, and two nights from now, you would move on. You would forget about him.

He rolled onto his shell and stared at the ceiling, cursing the universe for everything. He wanted to punch something, so off to the dojo he went to punch the shit out of their punching bag. This went on for two days. Raph listened to his loud music and punched their bag until it fell off of its hook, only to pick it up and repeat the cycle. He barely ate, and every time he tried to sleep, all he could see was your face and the sadness in your eyes when you realized you were his but he couldn’t be yours. The heartbreak he had caused. The heartbreak he had received.

He should have just left you at the very beginning. Then he wouldn’t be like this.

When Leo announced a patrol on the night you were going to move on from him, he was ready to bust some heads. How else was the emotion supposed to get out of him? His anger, his sadness, his regret, he was going to get rid of all of it.

And so out they went, out of the sewers and onto the surface, hopping from building to building until finally, they found what they were looking for: crime. Some lowlife gang members were harassing some chick, and they were going to put a stop to it. Except, the chick wasn’t just any old girl. It was you. Raph stopped in his tracks, the anger bubbling up inside of him before diving in to pull the guys off of you. The guys were going to help him, but he didn’t need it. He was so powerful, zipping through the shadows like, well, a ninja. The guys left standing ran for the hills, terrified of the huge green creature that had beat up their friends.

You took a few shaky steps backwards. What if whatever had helped was coming for you next. You couldn’t see him in the dark, but Raph could see you. Even now, you were stunning. You took a few steps forward, causing him to step back.

“Hello?”

“I ain’t who ya think, (Y/N).” Raph said. Your breath hitched, eyes awash in realization.

“Raphael?” Your broken voice sliced through the silence. He didn’t answer. “Y-your voice sounds d-different.”

“Ya don’t gotta be afraid.” He tried to reassure you. His voice came from much higher than it had in the past. Had he always been this tall? Your heart hammered and your face reddened and you didn’t know why you were scared, but you were. “It’s okay.”

Tick…tick…tick…

“Raph, let me see you.”

“I uh…don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Please.” You whispered. You glanced down at your wrist. There were seconds left. “Please.”

“I want ya tah remember me that way. Not like…this.”

“What do you mean?” You knew what he meant.

“Please, just go home, (Y/N)! Forget about me!”

“I…I can’t, Raph! I can’t just pretend you don’t exist!” You stared at the numbers before holding up your wrist to show him, if he could even see. “I think you’re my soulmate! And for some reason the wires got twisted somewhere, but…Please, Raphael. I love you.” You looked up at where he stood in the dark for a few more seconds before collapsing to your knees, tears rolling down your soft cheeks. Raph carefully, slowly knelt before you so quietly you hadn’t heard him.

He pressed his hand against your cheek, wiping away the tears with his large green fingers. Your eyes opened gradually, rising to look up at his tear-filled green eyes in time with the ding of your timer. The large, rough green face in front of you was a little more than a shock. Your eyes widened. He began to pull away, but you grabbed his huge green hand, keeping him there.

“I’m sorry. About all of this.” He didn’t dare to look at you. Not now that you knew what he truly was. Your small hand ventured up to his cheek, gently travelling across the scales there. Your tentative touches sent shivers up his spine.

“Sorry for what?”

“I’m sorry yer stuck with-”

“Shhhhh…” You shushed him, wrapping your arms around him tightly. He held you against his chest, his arms moving slowly to embrace you. He had never imagined you could love him. Not like this. But here you were, hugging him as though he was human.

“But I’m a freak.” Were the only words he could manage to put together.

“You’re not a freak.” You pulled away so you could look at him. “You’re a hero. If it weren’t for you and your brothers, I would be dead three times over.” You paused, watching the slow smile that formed on his cheeks. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” His voice was muffled by the fabric of your sweatshirt as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. “I love you so freakin’ much.”

[iamsoneurotic]

All Kinds of 3′s...

I’m not even providing a witty lead up. It’s happening again.

I mean at this point it’s already Facebook official, so the element of surprise is gone. Actually what would have been a great surprise would be to write an entire post and NOT say anything. Then like, on the baby’s third birthday be like “SURPRISE!”... I may still do that. Nobody reads this.

I wanted to work in something about 3 being a charm, but that kind of implies that you screwed up with the first two and THIS will be the child that saves your family from failure, but I’d like to think we’ve done pretty dang good with our first two kids. The mere fact that I was able to keep them alive (edit - not kill them, let’s be honest, mommy keeps them alive, daddy just tries not to drop them too much) proves that first and second times are a charm. I’m very charming.

We’re going to be finding out the gender next week and I don’t really want to emphasize what Rach is hoping for out of fear the child will read this someday and think it’s the equivalent of being a duplicate Happy Meal toy - but it’s pretty obvious what she wants considering we have 2 of one gender and none of the other… She wants a girl. There I said it.

Really, Rach, I still say if it’s a boy and you're disappointed by that, put it in a dress while I’m at work one day and don’t tell anybody. Get it out of your system. Problem solved.

… That part about not telling anybody is very important though. Please don’t tell me.

Anyway - 2018 was always going to be the year of Baby #3. Not that THIS particular instance was the plan, but it would have been right around now anyway. Rachael’s one demand about this post was that I not make any jokes about or references to the conception of the child. So I won’t reference the conception. Not even a little. Absolutely will not talk about how babies are made and how this pregnancy is no different from how most babies are created.

Look at me doing what I’m told like a good husband.

So we found out in June that we’re essentially not going to have our lives back until 2036. It was a weird couple of months because the prior month we had a pregnancy scare which turned out to be just a weird menstrual cycle from some hormone-related pills Rach was taking… I hate the word menstrual almost as much as the word cervix - oh dear lord I’ve used both terms in the same sentence, I’m going to throw up. Shouldn’t ‘lady’ terms be more feminine?? Why can’t they have nice terms for female-related items… Like Vas Deferens, that’s a male-related and highly inoffensive word to the ears. You know what, ladies? You can have that word. It’s not like anyone ever says it anyway. Name a non-med school conversation that you’ve ever had which included the word Vas Deferens. Seriously, we’re not using it, swap it with cervix and let’s move on from ever having to mentally scar our brains with that word ever again.

See, this is the part about pregnancies that I hate the most. It’s not the hormones, it’s not the bills, it’s not the fear of finances… It’s the freaking awful words you have to hear for 9 months straight. Everything is all about mucus and cervixes and uteruses and fetuses and cramping and contractions and I’m fully aware that I’m supposed to be using commas instead of “ands” but I have mom-brain by proxy so I don’t care. That’s the other thing - I’m getting pregnancy symptoms! I’ve heard that this is a real thing that can happen, and it’s finally happening after 3 of these pregnancies. I’m hormonal, on edge, tired, I get headaches, mom-brain, nausea… It’s freaking ridiculous. Don’t even get me going on my baby bump!

In all fairness, this has been a pretty rough pregnancy for Rach. Probably the worst first trimester ever. She’s been incredibly nauseous, cranky, tired… Basically the usual pregnancy symptoms, only cranked to 11. The poor girl is MISERABLE. I feel bad, but at the same time I don’t really like having to be in charge of watching the boys while she naps and recovers. Nobody feels a father’s pain and struggle.

Oh dear, I was talking about menstrual cycles (*shivers*) wasn’t I… I can’t keep a consistent thought to save my life. The point of that was, because we had a scare the month before which ended up being a 10-day late period, we just figured that this was no different and she’d get her period super late again… well it was kind of true, only instead of being a month late, it’s going to be about a year late. The reason I’m posing with 3 pregnancy tests isn’t because we’re going to have 3 kids or because there’s triplets on the way (God willing), it’s because Rach took 3 separate tests because she couldn’t believe it was even a possibility… I obviously can’t go into any further detail than that because I’ve been banned from discussing certain topics by my modest wife.

We’re due February 13th. I feel like this is necessary information to give when posting about a pregnancy. People like that sort of thing. People also like pictures… So here’s the little munchkin:

I should rephrase - not “munchkin”, we’re referring to this baby as our “ Lil’ Lily Pad”... Milo was very unoriginally “Sweet-Pea”, Noli was “Cupcake”, later appropriately changed to “Beefcake”, now we’ve got a Lily Pad. Not really sure what the obsession with naming unborn babies after foods. I often wonder if we as parents subconsciously entertain the idea of cannibalizing things we love. “You’re so cute I could just eat you up!” or “I just want to nibble on those cheeks!”... We’re lost as a society.

So that’s all I got on Baby #3. Now onto Baby #2! Noli’s a 3 year old!!! Yesterday was my little bug’s birthday. Did I talk about how I call him “bug”? I don’t remember... mom-brain by proxy, remember. He was a cuddle bug, so I started calling him Noli-bug, now he’s just Bug. I don’t know why it’s so appropriate for him. There’s just something about that little stocky, squishy body that just screams “little bug”. I feel like he’s destined to be in a gang someday with that name.

Anyway, he’s 3 and I’m just so proud and in love with the little bugger. The boy is a cuddly ray of sunshine. He loves hugging and kissing and saying “I love you”, and we in-turn soak it up like a sponge. He’ll just walk over and sit on you without any warning and nuzzle right up. He’ll put his arm around you, he’ll stop whatever he’s doing at random to look at you and say he loves you, then he’ll kiss you on the hand or on the head. Sometimes he’ll play with your hair or rub your arm… It’s so much adorableness that you literally feel like you’re going to implode with bliss. Rachael says he’s the best little boyfriend she’s ever had… It’s probably true – I hated PDA when we were dating. Now I just sort of wait around corners and in dark shadows and guerrilla-style attack Rachael with hugs and kisses and retreat before she can tell me to stop… Okay, that came off as a little… assault-y? Sorry, but when your wife is pregnant, it’s very difficult to get so much as a high-five. You’re more likely to get slapped and commanded to turn down the thermostat… Which I gladly accept because at least she’s touching me. Why am I talking about this…

As I mentioned in my last post - Noli is still obsessed with Spider-Man. It’s actually gotten worse. We’re at a point now where you literally can’t give him anything without him demanding a Spider-Man version of it. My dad wants to get a boat: “A SPIDEY-BOAT??”. We take the boys for milkshakes: “CAN I HAVE A SPIDEY MILKSHAKE??” (hence he gets strawberry because it’s red, and anything that isn’t red isn’t spider-man… I don’t even think he likes strawberry shakes, but it’s all he’ll accept).

The worst thing you can do for a kid who’s obsessed with something specific like this is buy them one of those ‘surprise’ toys where you don’t know what you’re going to get… You had better pray to God that there’s a Spider-Man toy in there because if it’s Batman we’re all taking a trip to Meltdown Town. I tried to buy him one of those things at the airport. I bought two, one for Noli and one for Milo. I let Noli open the first one, it was Gamora (from Guardians of the Galaxy). Naturally… he was peeved. So without Milo knowing, I let Noli open the second one… It was Venom. Good lord, we were so close!! So he begins his freakout, and I quickly scramble to salvage the situation and tell him it’s “Black Spider-Man”. He called my bluff immediately. Apparently he, like Milo, is now impervious to my lies and deceptions (which I 100% rely on to maintain peace in my home). So what did he do? He ran to mommy and said “Daddy said this is Black Spider-Man… BUT IT’S NOT!”. Rach tells me to stop lying to the kids, Milo doesn’t get to open a toy, Noli is ticked off and somehow I’m now the bad guy for trying to be nice and buying my kids some freaking toys!

Christmas is so cancelled.

Luckily Milo didn’t seem to care all that much. He’s pretty chill about stuff like that. Not picky about his toys, not obsessed with anything in particular except for Math (because he’s an evil genius – yeah, you laugh, but you’ll all remember this blog in 30 years when he conquers a nation through an impressive combination of quantum physics and basic arithmetic). You should hear that boy talk, he’s practically an adult now. I can actually have conversations with him… granted they’re conversations through the mind of a 4 year old, so they go to some weird places, but when I talk to him, it’s almost as though he’s actually listening to me and understanding… Of course that just makes me even angrier when he pretends to not hear me when I tell him to eat, or go potty, or put his shoes on, or clean up his toys, or go to bed, or answer my questions, or stop bossing his brother around, or don’t touch the tv, or don’t touch the garbage, or don’t touch the toilet, or don’t throw your toys, or where did you get that plutonium, or stop building Lego nuclear warheads with it… Basic 4-year old stuff.

I’m still trying to figure out where that red telephone in his bedroom came from.

Sidetracked again. I joke a lot about Milo being insanely intelligent (which, yes, he is), but Noli’s no dummy either. His vocabulary is incredible now and he really just absorbs knowledge like a sponge (I’ve used ‘like a sponge’ twice now in this post). I overhear Milo actually teaching him words and numbers when they play together in the other room… When I say “other room” I’m referring to our living room on the other side of our house. When we’re home, we spend most of our time in the Family Room (TV room? Is that actually the Living Room and the other room is the Family room? I don’t get house things), but on the other side of the house, there’s the Living Room - which Noli refers to as “The Other Room”, but given that he’s 3 and can’t pronounce things terribly well, he says “Dove Room”... Which is just what we call it now, The Dove Room.

I love how he pronounces stuff, he still can’t say his “G” and “K” sounds, so he just replaces them with H’s… So instead of “Okay” it’s “Ohay”, or instead of Kabob it’s “Hobob”... I like Hobob, I feel like I could make a homeless cartoon character named Hobob and make a fortune off of insensitive people like myself. He could exist in the same universe as “Cider-Man”. I’m totally making the “Faux-Vengers”. Copyright Mark Marianelli 2017.

Anyway, I’ve rambled long enough and Rachael always scolds me for making these posts too long, so I’ll end it here…

Noli, you’re what our family has always needed, you give us endless hours of laughter, and the world just seems a little more hopeful with you in it. I love you, I love that you’re here, I’m proud of you and I can’t think of anything more joyous than watching you grow. I can’t wait to see what a wonderful big brother you’ll be soon. Happy Birthday, Little Bug.

Love, ~ Bat-Dad (Yeah, he thinks I’m Batman)