#anyway all this to say that yes. nai loved his mother very much

[general-cyno]

Having a lot of feels and thoughts abt stamp Nai's relationship with Rem so here I go.

I know Nai's yandere brocon behavior tends to overshadow other parts of his character in the anime, but the idea that he hates Rem out of jealousy bc of Vash's love for her isn't really it imo or at the very least not entirely. Nai is... a very contradictory character and as a narrator he's unreliable as hell, his perception of events is deliberately distorted (from a narrative standpoint, I mean) and warped by trauma and the beliefs he clings to as a result of it.

As far as the childhood flashbacks in tristamp are concerned, there's no indication that Nai felt insecure or envious of Vash's relationship with Rem and they both interacted with her in equal measure (which I actually found interesting bc in the manga, we only see Rem talking to Vash abt the geraniums, in tristamp they're both present) previous to the discovery of Tessla, that is. And there's still mostly a blank space within the aftermath of Tessla and Nai causing the Fall that we know nothing about aside from that brief conversation between Vash and Nai in ep 11.

Albeit his personality as a kid is pretty different from his manga counterpart's, you can still see that Nai was happy with Vash and Rem in ship 5 and he even got all shy/flustered when she was affectionate towards them.

Idk but that doesn't look like a child who actively resents or fights his mother for his brother's attention. And curiously enough, while the piano (and the duet) is Nai's direct link to Vash, it is ironically his tie to Rem as well. It is imo perfectly framed here in these shots and dialogues from ep 11:

(Note how Nai avoids answering Vash's question here and deflects by bringing up the memory of Tessla.)

That's the piano Nai plays in ep 9 during the duet flashback, and here the three of them are framed directly in front of it AND the flowers. If the geraniums are used as a symbol of Vash's connection to Rem, you can probably see where I'm going here when the piano - which is mostly Nai's thing throughout the story - is shown this way. I have more to say abt this ep but I'll go back to that in a bit.

In ep 9 we get the most blatant lines from Nai depicting his possessiveness toward Vash and his resentment not for Luida as an individual, but what she represents - a Rem-like, human figure in Vash's life that keeps his brother from choosing Nai's side. Nai doesn't know Luida, and he very likely had no idea Vash was staying in ship 3 (Conrad himself was surprised to see her) so when he says you witch, how many times? how many times will you steal him from me? He's not seeing Luida - he's seeing Rem. Which is emphasized by the fact that, previous to that, Vash himself mentioned Rem by name when he retaliated against Nai and tried to stop him from his attempt to kill Luida.

"So that means he resents Rem bc she takes Vash away from him!" Yes... but that's not all of it. Imo, part of the betrayal Nai feels everytime Vash chooses humans over him is, in a way, an extension and amplified version of the betrayal he likely felt when Rem herself chose not to take his hand and escape with them during the fall. Whether him reaching out to her was genuine or not is up for interpretation, but considering that we never saw Knives in the manga do the same - to me, that's a very deliberate addition in tristamp's writing.

As for Nai feeling betrayed by Rem's choice... You have to understand that from Nai's pov, Rem hid the gruesome truth abt Tessla, and discovering her mutilated body probably put a lot of things into a very different perspective for him. Being registered on the same database as his Alive But Torn Apart Sister (with Vash's info ominously saved in the same folder as hers) who was kept in the same room as the ornamental flowers mixed up with Rem's insistance that Nai should pretend to act human/hide his powers from the other crewmembers in a hypothetical/future situation must've seemed extremely grim in retrospective, even if Rem was very likely doing that to keep him safe. Still, he offered his hand to her and Rem chose to stay and save humans instead. The same humans that had, from Nai's pov, hurt his sister and would've probably done the same to him and his brother.

Which brings me back to ep 11 and this bit in specific:

Read above then read this dialogue again, remember that Nai is (among other things) the king of projecting his issues onto Vash, and well. Shit starts making a lot of sense. Another thing that's worth noticing in this scene is that, throughout the memory manipulating, Nai wears just his bodysuit. It's only when confronted with the memory of Rem and erasing her from Vash's mind (killing her, again) that he hides behind the blade-cloak. Very interesting and deliberate visual choices.

Also important to point out that Nai's paradise free of pain, fear and humiliation is one that's a replica of the garden back on ship 5. Even after doing his best to erase Rem from Vash's memory, the safe and happy place that he desperately wants to go back to is that in which they both lived with her.

Despite his very ehem. questionable methods, I do think Nai is genuine in his wish to protect Vash and liberate their sisters and that yes, he does resent Rem or rather, what Rem represents when it comes to his relationship with Vash. Thing is, Nai tends to downplay his own feelings, bottling shit up and using Vash as conduit for hardcore projecting.

Imo, Nai doesn't resent Rem bc Vash loves her. He resents that her beliefs and her sacrifice for humanity's sake were imprinted so deeply into Vash's being that he keeps doing the same - choosing humanity over Nai, even to his own detriment. Nai keeps losing Rem and Vash to humanity again and again and he hates it, but the most tragic part of it is that it is pretty much a hell of his own making.

[tharros-auris-black-asimi]

Lay All Your Love on Me (Chapter 7) (Part 1)

Paring: Soft Dark Alpha Lee Bodecker x Female Omega Reader

Summary: After moving to Knockemstiff, Ohio with your troubled parents, you find solace in the local Seven-Eleven. There, you bump into the Alpha sheriff, Lee Bodecker.

And then you keep bumping into him. There's just something about the chubby Alpha that keeps drawing you in. Now there's something going on with the new preacher of the church that you attend. Everything's a mess.

But you're an unbonded Omega. Life can turn to shit anyway.

Chapter Warnings: This chapter opens with Lenora's post-rape. Mentions of sexual coercion, as well as cheating from Preston's end. Unplanned pregnancy via rape is mentioned here too. Mentions of serial killers, and Carl just being downright creepy. Anger issues from the Reader, as well as gun violence and death threats. There's also another character death in here, so we're keeping count of the body count, lol. Some possessive behavior from Alpha Daddy. I've been writing him as soft!dark, but in this chapter and the next one, he's gonna be full-on dark. Maybe a tiny smidge of fatphobia in this one? Like a small smidge. A blink and you'll miss type of smidge. Just to cover all of my bases.

Additional Notes: I am so, so sorry for how long it took for me to update this on Tumblr. I usually update this fic on my AO3 first before I update it on here. But, since I split this chapter into two, it took longer than I thought. So this will just be part one, and part two should follow quickly!

Please read the chapter warnings before continuing with this chapter, as this chapter and the following chapter will have some disturbing themes. I want this to be a safe space for everyone. And, if you're a minor, please do not interact. Thank you!

I also have a series taglist for this series now, so if you'd like to be added to just the series taglist, let me know!

Word Count: 3, 370

Two days before your annual visit... with Lenora in the afternoon

Lenora Laferty was crouched over the toilet seat in the girl’s bathroom, vomiting her guts out.

Sick.

She had been feeling sick for the past week.

She didn’t know what had caused this. Lenora had woken up every single morning for the past week with an urge to puke her guts out.

Emma and Arvin had been getting used to the sounds of puking in the morning.

It was becoming alarming.

Emma was fully ready to ask if she had been frolicking around with an Alpha.

But she hadn’t, because she had gotten so busy.

Later though, she would ask.

Now, now though, Lenora continued to puke her guts out.

Her Omega had been very vocal this past week. Screeching. Throwing a fit. Screaming and shouting at her, due to the changes coming in her body.

She hadn’t wanted this.

She had wanted none of this.

Lenora’s Omega had screamed and shouted when Lenora had entered Preston’s car. Her screaming had become louder when the disgusting Alpha, (married too, she should add), kissed her. She had thanked some fucking being up there when Lenora had pulled away, stammering and saying that he was married.

Oh. And he was married, did Lenora’s Omega mention that?

Yeah.

Mhmm.

The Preacher was married.

He had a bite mark on his neck.

Preston Teagardin had an Omega for a wife. No pups, though. From what the church gossip said, he only got an Omega because Omegas were easier to control. His Omega wife had been a young, defenseless thing. It was horrible, what Preston Teagardin did behind her back. He had raped a young Omega who had just presented in his car, and who was currently vomiting her guts out in her school bathroom.

Lenora’s Omega remembered how much she had pleaded, begged him to stop whatever he was doing to her because she was currently sweating so much. Beads of sweat rolling down her temples as her Heat made her scent riper. Lenora had remembered saying, pleading, crying out so many no’s. She had pleaded with the Preacher that all she wanted was to make the pain go away. All she wanted was the pain to go away.

“I’ll help take the pain away,”   he had told her.

What he had done to her had been way worse.

Lenora had been pleading, nay, begging him no. No, no, no, no, no. All she wanted was some toys to help her out. She’d take them and go back to the Russell household to due with her Heat herself. Her pleading had turned desperate when she saw his wedding ring on his hand. She knew he was married. He knew he was married. It was a sin. Why was he doing this? To her? All she had wanted was for him to leave her alone. To stop looking at her, sniffing at her like she was something he could eat. Like a predator in the shadows, waiting to pounce on their prey.

And he had.

Oh yes, he had.

Lenora had remembered screaming until he had put a hand across her mouth. Flipped her over onto her stomach. Her Omega had been so busy screaming and throwing a fit in her mind that she didn’t register him pulling her dress up, yanking down her underwear, where she had slapped on a thick Slick Pad.

“No,”   She had been begging again, “Please Preacher- you’re… you’re married. This ain’t right.”

“It’s okay. No one has to know.”

There was a moment of hesitation.

Preston had taken that slight beat of silence as a yes.

Lenora had screamed again.

The brunette, young Omega had lifted up her head from the toilet bowl. The urge to vomit was still there.

Never had she ever felt this sick.

He had violated her body. Taken a piece of her that she could never get back.

Now, Lenora’s Omega was fully convinced, that she was pregnant with this fucker’s pup.

Lenora could feel the bile rise up to her throat again. She vomited into the bowl again.

Her scent of cherries and vanilla was burning. Making her eyes water.

Not to mention her Omega was throwing the biggest hissy fit known to man.

Her Omega wanted blood.

She wanted justice.

But now…

Now...

Everything had gone wrong.

Everything had been utterly ruined.

At the same time in Knockemstiff with you and Lee...

Carl was staring at you.

Actually, he had been interested in you ever since he came here.

Why would his brother-in-law be with someone like you?

It perked his interest.

So he watched you.

All the while your eyes were completely focused on the TV.

When Carl had been young, he never really stood out in crowds. He was always awkward. He discovered a love for photography when he had been young. He had been the only Beta in his family. His father had been an Alpha, his mother an Omega, his sister an Omega, and his brother an Alpha. His parents had always favored his brother over him, even though he had been the eldest.

With all the things at home… he never felt any happiness.

Photography slowly became his comfort.

The first time he had killed someone was when he had been in his early twenties. A simple knife through the neck incident.

It had also been his first picture.

Carl… Carl couldn’t begin to explain the euphoria that had run through him then.

Like a switch had flipped.

He had found his calling.

His true calling.

And when he had married Sandy, he had made it his life’s work.

Every murder, every picture… it was like a piece of heaven. Like Carl was close to those pearly white gates. Almost as if he was being baptized and made holy.

The Beta man had always used his Omega wife as bait to lure in his victims. Omegas had naturally sweeter scents. Easier to lure in prey. Carl never had an issue with his wife getting all of the men. Alphas or Betas. He knew male Omegas didn’t exist. Just like female Alphas. So, he didn’t mind that his Omega wife did the bulk of the work.

Until now.

Knowing how good Omegas smelled, it didn’t surprise him by how good you smelled either.

But you?

You smelled really, really, really good.

Even better than Sandy.

You smelled like chocolate chip cookies. Freshly baked. As if he had just pulled them out of the oven.

And your gland.

There was Lee’s bite mark on your neck. Showing the entire county who was your Alpha. Who you belonged to. Carl had noticed Lee’s bite on his gland from you looked to be there longer. Almost like you had bitten him first.

How peculiar.

In your society of Alphas, Omegas, and Betas, it was very unusual for Omegas to bite first. The majority of the time, it was Alphas who bit first. Omegas who bit first were considered unnatural. Unheard. Just like female Alphas or male Omegas. Not only that, it was considered taboo for Omegas to bite first.

So why the hell did Lee allow you, a normal, boring Omega to bite first?

It puzzled him.

For the first time in his life, he didn’t want to murder you.

For the first time in his life, he was jealous of his wife.

His wife always got her boy toys, why couldn’t he get his own babydoll for once?

Why not be greedy and have his own turn this time?

He inched closer to you. Scooted over just a bit. It made you stop.

You did not trust Carl.

Not one bit.

No.

Nope.

Nada.

Your eyes were narrowed. From where you were seated in the living room, you could still feel his stare. You were sitting on the couch. The furthest away from the Beta.

Oh no.

You were not going to sit next to him. Sandy, maybe. But Carl?

Absolutely not.

You were not sitting next to that man. That damn Beta smelled like rotten cabbage soup. You’d rather die than sit next to him.

The TV was still playing. Playing something. Maybe a sitcom? You didn’t know. Maybe it was I Love Lucy.

You had never wanted to flee from a room faster in your life. Sandy was with Lee, and you heard some conversation as they had walked through the front door. Because of their shopping trip. Bags full of groceries. You had seen Lee smile at his younger sister and laugh, his tummy shaking. It had made you smile. Having his sister here with his Omega, his Bondmate… it was good for him. Very good. He had been happier than ever.

Your mother was next door. Talking to the neighbors. You suspected she just wanted to play nice.

But you were not going to play nice with this Beta.

No.

Never.

You were not.

You would not be nice to this man. You could fake a smile and pretend to be nice, but the next time you would see him, you were going to grab your shotgun that Lee pretended you didn’t have under your bed and chase him around the house with it.

Just in case.

Although your mood was a bit better, considering tomorrow, you and your mother would be going to visit Lenora and Arvin. You missed them. You hadn’t called them in weeks.

Sandy and Lee were still unpacking the food when you had gotten up stiffly, not even sparing a look towards Carl.

Lee saw you walking into the kitchen.

His smile dropped at the sight of the sour look on your face.

Sandy watched as you grabbed the phone and spun the dial.

Spin. Spin. Spin.

Spin. Spin. Spin.

Putting the phone near your ear, you waited.

There was a shuffling noise on the other line before you heard a familiar voice.

“Hello? Who is this?”

“Emma? It’s me.”

“Oh! Hello dear. Arvin’s here, would you like to talk to him?” Emma’s voice trailed off. “Uh-huh,” you were nodding, your voice low, “I’d like to talk to him.”

Him? Who was him?

Lee and Sandy stopped with the groceries.

There was a shuffling noise again and you heard her shout.

“Arvin! Get over here! Someone’s on the phone wantin’ ya!”

Lee froze.

His jaw clenched.

“… Hey! Why haven’t you been callin’ the house? Lenora presented!” came Arvin’s voice from the other line.

You blinked.

Clearly taken aback.

“O-Oh…” More blinking, “Lenora presented? What’d she present as? Omega? Beta?”

Sandy Henderson felt her world stop. Or freeze. Like one of those record scratches on a sitcom before the episode would rewind back to its proper place.

All of a sudden, she remembered Roy Laferty’s words before he died.

Lenora. Her name is Lenora. She’s my daughter.

“… Yeah, but she’s been actin’ real funny lately. Ya think you could talk to her when you and your Ma come to see us?” Arvin’s voice from the other line brought both Sandy and Lee back.

You were nodding.

“I mean, Omega to Omega. I love her and all, she’s my little sister, but I ain’t an Omega, ya know?” Arvin said.

“Mhmmmm… I get it…. Yeah… I’ll talk to her when we get there… uh-huh… I miss you too… uh-huh… yeah… yes… I’m on my best behavior Arvin… no I’m not causin’ no trouble… I ain’t like you and your angry ass… naw… naw… shut up and smoke ya damn square Russell… mhmmm… yeah… got someone that I’d like you to meet one of these days Arvin… he’s my Alpha… love him so much…”

Sandy saw the corners of Lee’s lips curl up into a smile at that.

He was in love.

Her Big Brother was in love. She watched him come from behind you, walking towards you and gently put his hands on your shoulders, gently pushing you back towards him. She could see him bend his head down a little and rub his nose against your gland, making you giggle and squeal. Sandy saw you, watched as a smile came over your face. Your entire face lit up as you looked at your Alpha, who was deeply chuckling at your response.

There was an aching in her heart. Watching you and Lee interact was what she had wanted with Carl. A normal, loving husband. And she had that in the first few years of her marriage. Sandy had almost felt like a princess with her prince charming. Carl had been so charming.

And then the murders started happening.

Sandy had vomited the night before they had driven up to her Big Brother’s house. First, she had taken a shower and cried in it before she had actually vomited, puked her guts out into the toilet.

She had never suspected, nor expected her life to turn out like this.

She had never thought one day that she would be marrying a fucking serial killer.

No. Never.

“… Okay! Okay, yes! Okay. Bye.”

You hung up gleefully. Turning to Lee, you saw him looking so amused.

“Ya gotta stop doin’ that Lee, you’re too distractin’,” you scolded him playfully. Clearly amused, “Oh really?” Your Alpha even had his eyebrow cocked and everything. “Me? Distracting? Never sugar. I’m a good Bondmate. I always give my babydoll the space she needs.” He defended himself playfully. You just rolled your eyes. Looking at your sister-in-law, you spoke.

“Was he always like this growin’ up?” you questioned her. Sandy snorted. “Even worse,” she said solemnly with a nod. Lee just pouted.

“Gangin’ up on me. My little sister and my Omega. I’ll never forgive you two for this.”

Giggles filled the kitchen as you and Sandy snickered.

“What’re you makin’ for lunch?”

Just like that, the entire mood had shifted.

Lee had noticed you had tensed up from where you were in his arms.

Your Omega was alarmed.

Beta.

Smelly Beta is here.

Nasty Beta.

Like the church incident where you had seen the Preacher, you stiffened up. It was like you and your Omega had become one. Like you knew what the other person was thinking. In perfect sync.

Lee made eye contact with Sandy.

And then his gaze came over to his brother-in-law.

Carl was looking at you.

Lee was reminded of those leery looks other Alphas used to give his sister when they used to be young pups. Leery, predatory looks. Almost like his younger sister was something to be eaten.

Like now.

“… Lee and I bought some tomatoes. We might just make tomato soup with grilled cheese.” shrugged Sandy.

Sandy spoke your name.

You blinked.

“Lee was tellin’ me bout that book you were readin’… I haven’t been to the library in a while. You wanna go? After lunch?”

At her suggestion, you slowly nodded. Like you were coming out of a fog.

“Yeah… yeah… sounds great. Gonna go down to the Seven-Eleven, D-Lee, you want your usual?”

You had nearly slipped up.

“Yeah,” Lee said, his eyes still trained on Carl, “Yeah, that sounds good, Omega.”

“Okay.”

He pressed a kiss on the top of your head. His keys clinked together as he slipped the keys to his cruiser into your pocket. Happily humming, you said to Sandy, “Lemme get my heels on. Then we can go. Lee, ya left ya Pepsi cup in the car again… can you bring it inside to wash it?”

Nods came from your Alpha. A happy hum came from you. Maybe even a smile. Mood temporarily raised, you made your way into Lee’s room to grab your shoes.

Lee was now looking at you as you bounced down the hallway, the mere thought of slushies always putting you in a happier mood. Blue eyes continued to watch you and Sandy, watching intensely as the two of you walked to his cruiser. He saw you say something to his sister before rolling your eyes.

It was when he realized why you were rolling your eyes.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Never had Lee spud to you so fast.

You were already rolling your eyes again.

“Lee,” you were saying, “did ya forgot?” You made hand gestures to the cup that was still in the car. The chubby Alpha cursed under his breath and accepted the cup from you. Cup now in his hands. Even knowing that the two of you did indeed have an audience. He couldn’t help himself. His arms went around you, making the familiar scent of your Alpha waft into your nose. It made your Omega sigh in content. And then, and then when he dipped his head down, his tongue licking, pressing down on your gland, scenting you, reminding everyone in this godforsaken county who the hell you belonged to, you melted.

Sandy’s eyes were watering. Due to the intense phenomenons, her Big Brother was giving off. Eventually, Lee lifted his head up. His eyes were dark. That dark, deep, possessive feeling all wedged and shoved down part of him satisfied.

At least for now.

Now, now, he could look down at you. Down at the mating gland that showed his bite.

“I’ll get you your usual. Cherry?”

“Yes.”

A thrill ran down your spine.

“Okay. We’ll be back-”

The sounds of the car opening and closing were heard.

“C’mon!” came Sandy’s shout from the passenger’s seat, “We gotta still come back to make lunch!”

You turned back to look at Lee.

“Go, Omega.” He told you. With one last kiss on the top of your head, you waved at your Alpha before getting into the driver’s seat.

Only after watching you drive off with his sister to the Seven-Eleven did Lee walk back inside, Pepsi cup gripped in his hand.

And when the door closed behind him, it was too late.

Lee Bodecker had been too quick for the brunet Beta man. A pudgy hand came to wrap around Carl's throat, and the man was shoved back. Right up against the wall. His small brown eyes widening in fear.

The first time Carl had met Lee, he had snickered to himself, looking at the Alpha who was his girlfriend’s older brother.

Lee had long made peace with himself, that he didn’t look like every other Alpha he knew. Or had known in his youth.

He knew he had rolls. He knew his tummy stuck out and jiggled. That his face was chubbier and less chiseled than it had been when he was younger. He saw those stretch marks on his stomach, on his thighs that used to be red, but were now faded and looked like lightning bolts etched onto his pale, milky skin.

Lee had given no shits, that everyone probably thought of him as the fat Alpha. His body type did not bother him in the slightest. Nor did it bother you. In fact, whenever the two of you were in his bed together, you had always cuddled up to him. Soft, sweet little murmurs and mumbles about how squishy he felt around you, how he kept you so warm. The way he’d wrap his big, strong arms around you, keeping you feeling so safe and warm. Like a warm blanket.

Carl Henderson did not know this Lee.

Nor was he used to it.

This Lee… his part of his brother-in-law that Lee kept so deeply buried… this piece of darkness which bubbled to the surface.

Carl wasn’t used to his.

Lee’s blue eyes were pure black. He looked almost like he was in a Rut. His scent of chocolate bourbon burned, making Carl have a headache.

The Alpha didn’t even need to try to pick him up.

There was a slamming noise.

“She’s mine.”

Lee’s Alpha was seething.

“You don’t look at her. You don’t talk to her. You don’t sit next to her.”

Carl’s nose was burning. He coughed. His eyes watered.

Lee’s expression on his face looked downright murderous.

“If I see or hear you harmed a fuckin’ hair on her head, I will fuckin' kill you.”

The burning urge to just put a fucking bullet through Carl's head came, rushed through him again.

His mind was completely made up.

Carl needed to die.

Carl was going to die tonight.

Taglist: @greeneyedblondie44, @bxnnywriting

Series taglist: @queensIvy

[dreamingsushi]

Eternal Love - Episode 22

I didn't even realize I was already on episode 22, I felt I was still like in the early tens or something. My cat is being needy so to keep her a little company, I'll spend some time in front of the TV. I guess she missed me since I was out of the house for four days because of work. Poor little thing. I hope she likes the show hihihi.

The Emperor is now very disappointed in Ye Hua because of his actions when he went to take care of the Jinni beast. So he gives him one last chance to make him proud, because even though he's the Crown Prince, he still hasn't deserved to inherit the title. And if he fails again, every one in his palace will be punished with him, which means Susu. The Emperor sends Lian Song along with Ye Hua, since he took over when he got injured during the war. Then the Emperor takes on the fact that Susu claims she was framed. So they decide to investigate everyone in the Xiwu palace. Ye Hua doesn't seem too thrilled about having all his maids changed, but Lian Song makes sure he doesn't react too much. Li Jing comes to offer his support the heavens against his brother. Ye Hua doesn't doubt Li Jing is with them, but he doubts the men in his army would be eager to go against his older brother. Li Jing says it's alright and Ye Hua promises that if everything goes well, he won't investigate the relationship between Yi tribe and Jiao tribe.

Nai Nai convinced Susu to send some hot soup out. As she exits, she hears Sujin talking through the mirror. She says that Ye Hua married a human girl to get back at her because she betrayed him getting married to the Emperor. And that her and his mother protects Susu because she's bearing his child in her womb. She's such a nasty girl. She asks if he still loves her and that he calls Susu because it shares the same character as in her name (the character Su in Sujin is written the same). Poor Susu drops her tray to the ground. She's so easily swayed. We'll all agree that this drama isn't so much about you know... women empowerment and Ye Hua isn't exactly the ideal guy, there are lots of toxic traits and red flags about him, but she's way too easy to manipulate. As many faults as he has and yes he hides stuff from Susu, she should know he's not dumb enough to give a three way mirror. Anyways.

Ye Hua pays a visit to Sujin. He tells her to give him back the mirror. He looks really mad. She pretends she doesn't know but since he stares at her like he's about to end her, she pretends that she just forgot about it. Nobody buys your lies. He leaves her as soon as he gets what he came to get. To be honest, there's nothing to be surprised of. Anytime a woman is being conniving, she's just shooting herself in her foot. Once he gets back home, he pays a visit to Susu only to find her in a really bad mood. He came to tell he has to leave for half a year and they can still communicate through the mirror like they used to. She says that she's feeling unwell and he gets worried, but she sends him away coldly. Another case of lack of communication. As per usual in dramas. Well I guess that's what makes them so relatable, because most troubles in life happens because of miscommunication.

Li Jing's men are afraid that if they go help the Heavens against Li Yuan, the people might be unhappy and revolt. Li Jing says that they won't be able to live in peace if they don't act. He orders that they go to was. Xuannu is still having trouble with her pregnancy. She threatens the healer to make her keep her child, even though it's against nature. She wants to use magic, he tries to convince her otherwise but she won't budge. He tells her even if she birth that child, it will be sickly. She doesn't to let go because then she won't have any other chance later, because Li Jing won't sleep with her so there's no chance for another child. At least, if the child is sickly, he might pity her and come see her.

Li Jing suggests that Bai Zhen helps them with their fight, as he's the brother of his betrothed. He agrees and promises to send the map to him within three months. But he only helps him because of their relationship and threatens him that he will not go easy on him if he ever does anything to upset Bai Qian. Bai Zhen and Zhe Yan talks about Bai Qian's wedding and they wonder if she'll be happy with that palace rules of concubines and stuff. And they wonder where she might have gone, maybe she eloped? But if she liked someone else, they would just have canceled the engagement.

More of Fengjiu following Donghua around. I really hate that wig for him. It's pretty bad. Anyways, he ends up drinking a lot of alcohol. So she turns back out of her fox state and wonders if he thinks that she left without repaying the kindness. And then she kisses his nose and runs away. Donghua opens his eyes. So I guess I knew even though he didn't react. Seriously, Fengjiu is the same as my cat. Very needy. But she still comes to see Susu because she looks like Bai Qian (same person). Susu tells her that even if Ye Hua likes someone else, as long as he likes her a little bit, it's fine. And now there's one thing good about Fengjiu, she's like, this dude ain't that great to treat you that way. You go girl. But Susu only wants to become loved by Yehua and she wonders if she could become a celestial too. Fengjiu asks Siming and Chengyu how would it be possible. She's so cute. At least, she has that for her, because otherwise she's so annoying haha.

Yehua receives Bai Zhen's map, but also his threats if he ever mistreats his sister. Li Jing asks that he be the one to terminate Li Yuan. Yehua and Susu are miserable and missing each other.

What would be a drama if its main leads wouldn't have to go through all those hardships right? And so ends episode 22. I can't wait for this arc to be over. I didn't remember it to be that long last time I watched the series. Maybe because this time is the second time so I already know what happens so there's no novelty for me. Plus I know how the character evolves and how the pace is much faster and interesting later on. Still, it's a great story. Don't get me wrong when I say how annoying Susu is. She's lovely and cute. Just... she's not Bai Qian and Bai Qian's the best in my opinion! See you next time! Because for now, my cat is about to eat my hands D:

[isitgintimeyet]

Just A Friend

Wow. I’m so, so grateful for the lovely response to chapter 1 of this story. I’ve never had so many notes on one of my posts before, so many, many thanks to everyone who took the time to read, like, reblog and comment on it. i do appreciate it

Thanks also to @wickedgoodbooks for the beta

Previous chapter

AO3

Chapter 2: From Scrubs to Sauvignon

Sunlight streaming through the shutters wakes me before the alarm. After the previous seventy two hours with too much alcohol, not enough sleep and shared hotel rooms, last night’s sleep was a solid nine and a half hours and I feel so much better for it.

Trying, for a moment at least, to ignore both the demands of my bladder and my desperate need for caffeine, I gaze up at the ceiling and contemplate the surgery ahead of me. Whilst it’s a comparatively routine procedure for me, I always think about the families — parents, grandparents, siblings. It’s an anxious time for them, never routine, a step into the unknown and they are putting their trust in me to look after their precious child. Their faith in me is something I take very seriously.

I have a ritual I follow every time before theatre. I take a few minutes to close my eyes and let the procedure play inside my head, my hands echoing the images in my brain. I trace the path my scalpel will take on the skin; I position, in mid air, the locations of the clamps; I work with my imaginary mallet and chisel honing the bone, the X-ray images clear in my head.

By the time I’ve finished closing the incision, the demands of my bladder can no longer be ignored. That’s my cue to get out of bed and start my day.

***********

Before I put my scrubs on, I pay a visit to the side room where Robbie, my seven year old patient has spent the night. His parents have already given consent for the operation, but I like to go and do a final check.

Robbie is sitting up in bed, a bit subdued but in good health. His mother is sitting expectantly, nervously playing with the skin around her nails. The foldaway bed has already been put away, but, judging by her red rimmed eyes, I don’t think it got much use. Robbie’s father follows me into the room, two coffees in his hands.

“Sorry, Doctor Claire,” he nods at the coffee. “I didna get ye one. D’ye want one?”

I let the doctor reference pass. As a surgeon, my title is no longer doctor. Officially, I am Miss Beauchamp, but prefer my juvenile patients to call me Claire. Quite a lot of the parents seem to call me Doctor Claire. I suppose they like the reassurance that I am actually a proper doctor.

“No, thanks.” I smile. “Are we all set then?”

They nod nervously.

“Aye,” Robbie’s father agrees. “We need tae get it done.”

“How long will it take?” Robbie’s mother looks directly at me, wanting a definitive answer.

I hesitate. I don’t like to give precise times. If the surgery goes longer then parents start to fear the worst, and that’s not always the case. So I give a vague answer. “‘Till lunchtime… you could always go and sit outside in the little garden, it’s a lovely day.”

His mother looks down at her hands and shakes her head. “No, I want tae be right here …”

She doesn’t finish her sentence, but she doesn’t have to. I know exactly what she’s thinking.

I turn to Robbie, blissfully unaware of his parents’ thoughts. He beckons me to him.

“When I wakes up,” he begins in a stage whisper. “Can I have a treat?”

“What sort of treat did you have in mind?”

“Can I have a MacDonald’s? But no’ a kid’s meal. I’ve never had a Big Mac.”

I glance at his parents who nod at me before I whisper back, “Of course you can, but don’t let nurse Geillis see, will you? She can be ever so naughty. She’ll be trying to steal your chips away, if you’re not careful.”

And with that, I stroke Robbie’s little cheek before saying my goodbyes and head out to get changed.

**********

Robbie’s surgery went to plan, no nasty surprises or tricky complications. I call in to check on Robbie’s parents before they head to recovery. They look totally different to when I saw them this morning. Still worn out of course, I don’t think they’ll sleep properly until their little lad is home with them, but their faces shine with sheer relief. I have warned them about the long road ahead, with many hours of physiotherapy and exercises, but, for today, I’ll let them have their moment of pure happiness. Reality will hit them again soon enough.

As I leave the waiting room, making my farewells, Robbie’s dad thanks me once more. I can tell he’s unsure whether hugging me is appropriate or not, so he settles for a handshake. His wife has no such qualms, wrapping me tightly in a hug, whispering her thanks until her husband reminds her that they need to be with their son. I point the way and head down to the nurses station.

Geillis is sitting there, looking very busy on the computer. I pull up a chair and sit next to her. The screen is filled with images of our weekend in Barcelona.

“What?” She looks at me as if I’ve accused her of something. “I’m on ma lunch, aren’t I?”

“How was your night then?”

Geillis beams from ear to ear— she’s like the cat who got the cream. “Nay bad, nay bad at all. After two nights away, Dougal realises what he’s got wi’ me, and he dinna hesitate tae show me, if ye ken what I mean?”

She winks at a poor medical student, who blushes and busies himself with a set of medical notes.

“Geillis,” I warn. “Behave yourself.”

“Anyway, pet, how was yer evening? Another tryst wi’ Professor Randall?” Her face says it all. Geillis thinks about as much of Frank as he does of her. Literally the only thing they have in common is me, and it’s getting pretty wearing.

“No, I was worn out and— oh, that reminds me.” I fumble in my pocket for my phone as I carry on talking. “I’ve got someone else’s suitcase. I hope they’ve got mine.”

I glance at the screen. Two missed calls and one message. All from the same number. All from the number I called last night, the James-Fraser-isn’t-here-don’t-call-again-ever number. Looks like this James Fraser has a jealous or suspicious wife-partner-girlfriend-housekeeper.

“Catch up later, Geillis, I need to deal with this.”

I rush back to my office to try and sort the suitcase problem out.

The message is brief and to the point.

Hi, Jamie Fraser here. I think I have your case too. Can we arrange a swap? I live in Glasgow. Hopefully you too. Where and when? I’m free after 5 today.

After five will work for me too, I just need to pop home and pick up his case. Now, based on his wardrobe choices and his one message to me, he doesn’t actually seem like an axe murderer or sex pervert, but you can’t really tell, so I think about a public location.

How about the benches by the cafe at Kelvingrove Park? 5:30? Claire Beauchamp

A couple of minutes later his reply appears on my screen.

Fine. See you then.  I’ll be the one wheeling a black Samsonite. JF

**************

It’s another glorious sunny day here in Glasgow. Just ideal for going for a stroll in the park. I do feel a bit conspicuous with a suitcase trailing along behind me — kind of like an upmarket bag lady.

There are no other suitcases around, so I perch on a bench. I fire a quick message to Geillis, just so that she knows where to direct the police if I disappear and then wait. It’s not too bad waiting. The sun is still warm, so I stretch my legs out trying for a tan. With my eyes closed, I lift my face up to soak up the rays. I may get panda eyes with my sunglasses on, but I don’t really care. The warmth is so good and I can feel myself relaxing totally —

“Ahem.”

I am conscious of a shadow across my face. I open my eyes and quickly stand up.

He’s tall. That’s the first thing I notice. A good few inches taller than me, and I’m 5 feet 9. And broad. Broad enough to block my sun. His hair is red, very red and the sun behind him creates a fiery corona around his head.

He’s a Viking. A Viking in a navy blue suit and a crisp white shirt. How many of those white shirts does he own, I wonder?

“Claire Beauchamp, I presume. I recognise the case. That red ribbon on the handle, such a unique idea.”

He smiles, a lopsided half grin and holds out his hand for me to shake. “Jamie Fraser.”

“Claire Beauchamp,” I say somewhat unnecessarily as we shake hands.

He sits down. “So,” he begins politely. “I hope ye havena come far out of yer way.”

I join him on the bench.

“No,” I gesture vaguely to my right. “I live not too far from here. How about you?”

That lopsided grin appears again. “Nah,” he gestures to his left. “No’ too far at all.”

There’s an awkward moment of silence. We are not really here for small talk, but is it too rude to just dive in and do the swap?

“So,” Jamie breaks the silence. “About the cases…”

Apparently it’s not too rude.

“I ken ye have ma case there, on account of ma contact details being in it, but what about this one? How do I ken this is yers? Black Samsonites with wee red ribbons seem to be awfa common ‘round here. As proof, can ye mebbe tell me something that’s in it? Something identifiable?”

And at this, my mind goes blank, what did I pack?

“Er, denim shorts… black flip flops… white vest—”

“Weel, they’re all verra common. Is there anything a wee bit more… unique?”

Is it my imagination or is there a twinkle in his clear blue eyes as he says this? And then I remember exactly what’s in my case and start to blush.

“There may be some hen party bits and pieces in there too. It was my friend’s hen weekend, so I think there may be some, er, stuff from that, you know, er, handcuffs… shot glasses…”

He puts me out of my misery. “Och, that’s fine. It’s yers, right enough. Here ye go.”

And we do the exchange, just like in the spy movies. Except in those, the cases are filled with bank notes and the top secret blueprints for a submarine base, and not white dress shirts and an assortment of shot glasses shaped like penises.

Our phones beep practically simultaneously. I pull mine out of my pocket. Jamie does the same and glances at his phone.

Mine is a text from Frank confirming tonight’s arrangements “I’d better go. Plans for tonight, you know.”

“Snap. Plans here as well.”

“Goodbye then. I’m not sure whose fault it was, the mixup at the airport. So why don’t we both say sorry, or neither of us?” I suggest as I stand up and smooth the creases from my skirt.

“Sounds good tae me. How about neither?” He smiles again. “Ms Claire Beauchamp, nice to meet you.”

“Mr Jamie Fraser, likewise I’m sure.”

And with that we head off, me to the right and Jamie Fraser to the left.

************

Frank had said 7:30, and, sure enough, at 7:28 my intercom buzzes and I let Frank in. He arrives at my door carrying a large bunch of lilies and roses. No, not a bunch, I can’t describe it as a bunch… carrying a large bouquet of lilies and roses, beautifully arranged and hand-tied. Clearly not a supermarket purchase. Nor is the wine he also hands to me. A chilled bottle of my favourite Sauvignon Blanc, only available from quality wine merchants in the city.

Frank can be incredibly thoughtful and generous, and I am suitably grateful. I pop the flowers into the kitchen sink while I try to locate a vase big enough to hold them.  He walks in as I’m scrabbling around on my hands and knees, bum in the air, head buried in the cupboard under the sink.

“So what are we having for dinner?” He asks as he pours the wine. “Are you cooking?”

I emerge victorious, having found the vase wedged between a bottle of sink unblocker and an unused can of spray starch.

“Sorry?”

“Dinner?” He repeats, helping me to my feet.

“I’ve not had a chance to cook. I told you about the suitcase confusion, didn’t I?  Well, I had to get that sorted. I thought we could have something delivered. That’s ok, isn’t it?”

“I’m sure that will be fine, darling. What would you like?”

What would I like? What I would really like would be a huge, great pizza full of carbs and grease and pepperoni and cheese that pulls into strands when you try to take a slice. And to sit on the floor with the pizza box between us watching Netflix and drinking beer.

But, that is clearly a rhetorical question.

“Thai?” Frank doesn’t wait for my answer.

Thai is the only acceptable takeaway in Frank’s eyes, eaten at a table, on proper plates. I nod my agreement. After all, he’s brought me wonderful flowers, and a gorgeous bottle of wine. He deserves to have the choice. And I can have pizza with my friends any time.

“You ring the order through then, while I arrange these beautiful flowers.” I say and kiss his cheek.

And that is our evening sorted - takeaway, a couple of glasses of wine, Newsnight on the television and then to bed for a bit of sex.

So, that’s food, drink, mind and body all sorted. I should go to sleep feeling satisfied with everything. I should… shouldn’t I?

[buddiewho]

Another morning thought. I’m never over this framing of Buck as a friend. Buck is trying to be there for Albert; in the end Albert is there for him too. They have moved on as friends/roommates. Sure, Buck definitely could use some friends outside of work (ie this thing with Taylor) and well, frankly ones that aren’t Eddie and Christopher. However...there was a lack of emphasis on Buck being Eddie’s friend. Nay, best friend. Am I supposed to just assume these two are just fine because Buck offered/was asked to watch Christopher?

Am I supposed to believe in anything else when that ☝️ scene exists and felt more like honey I’m home, is our kid in bed? Yeah. You’re a miracle worker. (Imagine this with kisses) no, just a great negotiator (said a little cheekier if we were at boyfriend stage). Except I can’t turn off of the lights or read to him. He’s waiting for you babe...but instead it’s a nervous and awkward question as if you can’t speak to your best friend about his date.

There is something missing. And honestly, Ana’s line about there being no one since his mother died seems very in your face and how do you not think wait a minute...and you don’t have to ship Buddie to pause at that line, to ponder that....

Somehow, I think in 4b Buck and Eddie will distance themselves without knowing, but Buck will maintain his relationship with Christopher so Eddie will assume everything is just fine. Until for some reason Eddie has that feeling again. Like during the kitchen scene episode, yes that episode. 😉 but anyway, it’s got a good thing in it because Eddie had told Frank that his world is Christopher. That’s the good thing he has got going for him, but he didn’t really know how to express there was someone else he was missing. In kitchen scene ep and before that, they had used Christopher as a way of neither boys saying what they are really missing, each other. Callback to Grocery store episode. Eddie voice, “Do you know how much Christopher misses you!? How could you you’re not around?” Then in the future we get this scene of Christopher expressing to Buck how much he misses people and he wishes he could just forget them (which I think mostly pertains to the sting of losing his mom) which Buck explains perfectly about how you and your Dad are always going to be miss her...and as for the other feeling it was indirectly stating that Chris felt like he could lose Buck from this (his Dad dating). Why? The circumstances with Shannon were crazy different and she is Chris’s bio mom which makes a hell of a difference. I mean Christopher was probably at a point where he’s like bring my mom back Santa and if my parents do get back together then so be it. Actually pfft I don’t care all I want is my mom.

And as I post this, I’m realizing like an idiot this isn’t the first time Christopher plays a part between and how connected Buck and Eddie are to him, then each other...so I once again remind everyone of episode 4x03 Future Tense. The world in which Christopher has lived in for some time and can it be maintained without a culmination of these two idiots realizing they’re in love?

And that’s the point of this journey. To both of them, it would be terrifying to stop and assess these true feelings. The what ifs are too much, but I think we’ll see some of them in 4b, because I hold out with Future Tense being a sign. A universal sign.

[vulpixsinistre]

H.I.V.E. Characters as Dragon Ball Z Characters

To start, you may be thinking, Otto is Goku, yes? Both our heroes. Both get stronger and learn new techniques as their series goes on. Both want to protect their friends and the people from Earth from certain doom and destruction and getting conquered. Goku craves a challenge - dare I say Otto is the same, at certain points?

Yes, Otto is Goku- BUT he is also Cell. He was created, not born. Meant to be more than human: meant to be perfect, all powerful, intelligent and capable of being the one to take over the world. The difference is that Cell wants to do these things; Otto just wants to be a person. Therefore while Otto was meant to be Cell, he chooses his own path and is a Goku.

Wing is Trunks. Here’s a mysterious young boy with incredible strength and loyalty. Who is his father, you ask? Well, they would like to keep that a secret at first. He wants to train, to protect. His mother is a genius scientist. (On second thought, maybe he’s Tien. Disciplined martial artist, loyal friend, has some good moves, still only mortal)

But Cypher is Dr. Gero, brilliant creator of androids. They seem to… decline over the years. We see how they’ve grown progressively more evil as time went on. Cause of much destruction. Will not hesitate to hurt a child. At least Cypher thinks he has good intentions, Gero is just kinda stewing over his defeats.

Pike is Dr. Briefs simply because scientist. Inventor. Often seen with a cat. Old but doesn’t seem to age, is always just old.

Overlord is Freiza, of course!! Our OG Big Bad!! Conqueror and lord of planets, nay, the whole universe!! Also keeps returning. How is he back again?? He doesn’t quit!!

Block and Tackle, our tough duo, would be either Raditz and Nappa, or Zarbon and Dodoria. R&N are basically just thugs, and definitely lower level than the other baddies. Z&D are more ruthless and are definitely henchmen. Block and Tackle are a mix of that “brute force over brains” and “organized order-followers.”

Francisco is Captain Ginyu!! Head of a fearsome squad of fighters that you do NOT want to mess with!! And yet, they are both silly at times. We get laughs out of them while knowing that this guy is strong and means business.

Franz I’m sorry, you’re Yamcha. You’re there and you help and you’re funny, but you’re not quite a main main character, and the rest of them are handling this all pretty well anyways. HOWEVER you are also Yajirobe!! We think you’re a silly side character, but when we really need help, you swoop in with a devastating blow to the bad guy!! Yay!!

Nigel is Chaozu, bald and nervous side character. Sidekick type. They do their best, and would sacrifice themselves for the greater good.

Nathaniel? Master Roshi. Old perv dude. Wise, the main characters need their advice, they’ve been in the game a long time… but yeah ppl immediately think of their gross lines. These two do have a purpose! And perhaps most of their relevance in the storyline was in a flashback/pre-canon sense, but they’re still here, doing their own thing.

Penny is Vegeta, but in reverse. She starts as having a family, surrounded by friends and loved ones and being a “good guy.” Then she ends up in enemy territory, alone.

HIVEmind is our King Kai!! He’s off in the distance. He’s not actually here but he’s helping. Sending out messages and giving advice. And we know he’s strong! But he’s supposed to be a helper, only.

The Contessa as Berry Blue, perhaps? Old. A right hand man in her organization, if you will. “Yeah I’m evil. Yeah I’m going to be mean to everyone, even if they’re on my side.” An evil advisor.

The Furans WISH they were King Cold, Cooler, and Freiza. They WISH they were an awesome terrifying dictator family. What’s that, you say? They are? Well they don’t have half the swag that the Colds do. Plus Elena doesn’t want to be a part of that. (Ok fine. Equal amounts of ruthlessness. Keep coming back after their ‘defeats.’ Will kill anyone. Command a large army of soldiers.)

Ms. Leon is Korin. White cat, very wise, a teacher type. Also maybe Captain Ginyu when he’s trapped in the body of a frog. When consciousness switching goes wrong…

The Bloodline antagonist is Broly, I will not elaborate due to spoilers. Trust me though.

Now the hard part. Laura and Shelby… who is Bulma, who is Chi Chi? Is Laura Bulma because they are both incredibly intelligent and work with computers/machines? Is she Chi Chi because she wants a life outside of fighting and conflicts? Which one is Shelby, they’re both tough and outspoken.

Is Shelby Launch?? Launch has two personalities, sweet/innocent and violent. Does this correspond to Book 1 Shel’s Valley Girl persona vs actual Shelby?

Is Raven actually Trunks, due to sword? They are faced with enemies deemed too hard to beat, and they still manage to take them down. I was originally having Raven as Piccolo: always by the MC’s side, skilled fighter, maybe Natalya/Raven can equal Kami/Piccolo? (They are the same person now. In ways, they didn’t used to be)

Yknow? Maybe Raven is Whis. Bodyguard and employee of a very high ranking authority, and everyone knows they are much much stronger than their boss. Don’t get them going, you can’t win.

[pluviophile-bookworm]

AWAE 2x9 rewatch: thoughts and reactions

This review is dedicated to Dalila Bela, who turns 19 today. Happy birthday!

After a long wait, there she is at last - Muriel Stacy, decorating her new home with potato stamps. What a lovely way to show she is a kindred spirit. She’s basically like an older Anne. 

Marilla and Anne utter the same words upon passing Miss Stacy, who is cycling in the opposite direction at top speed - ‘My heavens!’ - except their intonations are so different. Marilla is shocked at the sight of the unconventional-looking stranger, while Anne is in awe of her, and especially the fact that she’s wearing trousers. I don’t think the women of Avonlea, be they progressive mothers or not, won’t be so fascinated with her, though.

And again, Miss Stacy acts exactly like an older Anne, going on and on about potatoes and tardiness and motorbikes before she’s even caught a breath. I can’t wait for Anne to finally meet her. And that concludes the cold open. 

I don’t care what Prissy and Josie, or their mothers, say about Miss Stacy- I’m with Anne on this one. They shouldn’t judge their new teacher before they’ve met her up close. She’ll warm her way into their hearts, I’m sure. I actually know it for a fact.

I simply cannot believe Billy brought a gun to school and is openly proclaiming he’s about to kill an animal, a living being, with it. And it’s not just any animal - it’s the fox, Anne’s fox. What has it done to him that he’s so personally violent towards it?

Again, Gilbert alone is the voice of reason (unlike season 3 Gilbert, who is the most confused individual I’ve ever seen and has the eyebrows to prove it). ‘There’s no fox here, so how about you put the gun away?’ It’s as if he speaks for me. 

Who does Billy think he is, calling his teacher ‘little lady’? He’s lucky she’s not Phillips, otherwise he wouldn’t get away with such disrespectful behaviour. 

Once again Anne uses the exact same words as someone else, but with a different intonation. Prim and proper Tillie’s ‘Oh my goodness!’ is one of disapproval (which she’s not to blame for, that’s probably just what her parents have taught her), while Anne’s is an expression of pure admiration and fascination. [Side note: Let’s put things into perspective, though - what would you think if your new teacher showed up to school with no bra on, on her first day at that? I don’t really know what to think of corsets anymore, so I’m not sure how to take this. You tell me.]

What, now Matthew and Jerry, two of my favourite AWAE men, want to catch the fox too? I understand it’s stealing people’s chickens, but hey, a fox must eat too, and it’s not like it can get its food in another way.

What’s happening to Bash? Is farm life not his speed? I’m worried about him, I hope he’s alright. 

For this next scene, the introductions, I’ll insert a note from when I first watched this episode. I notice I’ve been doing that a lot lately, but well, it seems I’ve got quite a lot of first impression notes on this season written down, so why not make them public now, here where it’s appropriate? Here goes:

And, just as I was fascinated, things got dramatically bad. Anne wouldn’t stop saying quite private things about everyone who spoke, and Miss Stacy reprimanded her for spreading gossip, resulting in her being unable to come up with words to describe herself (the method used for introductions was everyone would use words starting with their initials to describe themselves. I really wanted to know what Anne would have said about herself, as nobody else seemed to struggle much with the exercise (although I myself always do when asked to do it).

Alright, now I’d like to add something to this. When Ruby describes herself as ‘romantic’ and looked for a G word for ‘Gillis’, I could swear she thought of a certain young man right to her left - heck, she even looked at him before quickly blurting out ‘girl’. Well, yeah, she is a girl. But she’s also defining herself through Gilbert too much. I hope she knows how much potential she has beyond him. Besides, he only has eyes for Anne. I wish we’d got another season so we could see how far Ruby and Moody go. I liked them, but we saw too little of them together. #renewannewithane

Ok, but... it was like Miss Stacy just finished Anne’s sentence. ‘Ruby has a crush on...’ ‘Gilbert Blythe?’ Well, yes, but that’s not what we’re talking about. See, I’m noticing details I did not deem significant enough to note down the first time around. This is what rewatches are for. 

Rachel Lynde needs Marilla’s help. That’s a first. Oh, well, it’s rumours, what else. She’s against Miss Stacy. I really don’t like her right now. 

No, seriously, what is happening to Bash?

Of course, what the mothers of Avonlea fail to see is that, female or not, trousers or nor, corset or not, Miss Stacy is much more capable of teaching the young minds of Avonlea school than her predecessor. Or at least she’s much more willing to educate them properly. Of course she’ll tutor Gilbert. And Anne will soon find her way into her good graces. I hope. Nay, I know it. 

‘Appalling, stupid, clueless...’ this is what I hoped wouldn’t happen, but it happened anyway. Now Anne is beating herself up for the scrape she got into by complete accident. Gosh, I hope someone can fix this.

From my old notes:  And again, Cole knows how to fix things, and he does so, brilliantly I would say. Also, with the way he goes out into the nature, raises his hands and shouts out “Come to me, Muse!”, I can totally see him being a pagan... and who’s to say he’s not? I mean, Anne has the makings of one too, remember the Beltane ritual in season 3?

Rachel’s only job seems to be to stick her nose in other people’s business. She has no right to go around asking about Muriel’s marital status and whether she wants to be an old maid. But as anyone who’s watched the full series knows, this will be carried over into season 3.

Seriously, Rachel right now reminds me of Anne earlier with all the gossip, and I see now why she (Anne) made such a bad impression on Miss Stacy. Unfortunately, she (Miss Stacy) cannot assign Rachel Lynde an essay.

Anne’s mind is all taken over by the fox... so much that she’s fallen asleep over her papers... and now, disaster after disaster lead to a small fire, which grows into a bigger fire. If Anne’s essay burns in it, I’ll literally cry. I know a thing or two about lost work. Why, half of this very post I had to write a second time after my computer decided to restart the page with the unsaved draft open. But hey, this is not about me. 

So I guess they’ve figuratively and literally forced Miss Stacy into a corset. That’s sad. But I see she’s not giving up on her unique identity.

Oh, great, now the found brothers are fighting. I guess it turns out Bash’s problem is he’s inexperienced in farming and he needs help, but Gilbert is pursuing his own future now and doesn’t seem to care all that much. I feel bad for Bash. But we know Gilbert will stay at least another year and Bash will figure farming out by the time he has to leave. 

Ah, I see Anne is feigning sickness so as not to go back to Miss Stacy after yesterday’s fiasco. Well, I’d do the same if I were her, but I’m not quite sure that’s the best solution to the problem at hand. Marilla’s suggestion seems much better to me. Going together so Anne has someone to vouch for her... reasonable and concerned like a true mother.

I see Bash is trying to figure out horse-riding on his own. It looks tough. But he can manage it. 

It’s a shame Jerry won’t help Anne with the trap... but well, he was promised good money, and his large family is so poor... the ends sort of justify the means here. Still, Matthew is not in the right to plan on skinning the fox for money. 

Gosh, things are heating up between Shirbert. Anne seems to be all the more determined to find and develop her vocation now that Gilbert is working on his. And he doesn’t seem to care much about her feelings right now, being so busy studying and all. But I wonder how this whole thing really makes him feel. 

Hey, there are the potato light bulbs! The first science lessons Miss Stacy teaches the class. And they never forget it. How inspiring!

Hey, I just realised something. In her ramble in the cold open, Miss Stacy mentioned that you can use potatoes for a lot of purposes... well, here’s the second one she demonstrates in this episode. Stamps and... lighting a bulb.

Marilla, who took up Miss Stacy’s offer to stay and observe, seems to be a new supporter of the young teacher. See? If people only gave her a chance and saw what she does and how she does it, she might soon be a hit in town. But no, some choose to condemn her instead, as if she’s ever done them wrong. Just like the fox. Except the fox stole some chickens. Miss Stacy is perfectly innocent. 

And... poor clumsy Moody had to ruin everything just as Rachel and the ProgressiveTM mothers came in. Too bad. But hey, it’s him who recalled this very first lesson later on when they were graduating, isn’t it? 

Hey, Bash has gone to see Mary. Things are getting serious. I guess.

Alas, the mothers are not too pleased with how the lesson turned out. Luckily, Marilla was there to see the whole thing from beginning to end and can support Miss Stacy in front of the rest of the women. And it seems Gilbert and Anne are ready to step in and defend her as well. On their second day with her. That speaks volumes. 

Oh, so he’s visiting Mary to talk about Gilbert. But he also talks about himself and his idea to go deep into farming. His story is truly an inspiring one. And also, he’s staying with Mary for supper. As I said, things are getting serious. 

Anne decided to show Miss Stacy the story clubhouse... nice. But she’s made another blunder in doing so. She’s forgotten Cole is hiding there from his parents. And now they’ll force him into farming again... as my younger self said when I saw this for the first time, ‘this episode is one of the most devastatingly dramatic ones of this series – ever. What a way to lead up to the season finale’. I think that says it all. 

Ah, yes, nobody told Gilbert that Bash wouldn’t be home for supper this evening. Too bad... now he’ll think Bash has run away on him. Meanwhile, Bash is having a good time with Mary. But there’s no way for Gilbert to know that. How unfortunate. 

One shot, one gunshot and... wait, it seems the fox has not been killed yet. But the poor clubhouse... Billy is the worst person in this series, hands down. I can’t even. I’m crying. Real tears. Right now.

See, Anne’s blunder was not telling Miss Stacy about Cole. After all, she swore her to secrecy. But it was a blunder nonetheless because Miss Stacy takes her duty as a teacher more seriously than her promise to Anne. If only she’d known the full story... Cole might have been saved. 

Miss Stacy riding with Harmon Andrews... I wonder what Rachel, aka the Avonlea yellow pages, will make of that. 

‘Sometimes you just have to use your imagination.’ This is powerful because it comes from Marilla. Also, perhaps this is the hidden sense of humour that L.M.Montgomery talked about in the book, which I’m currently rereading. 

I can’t, I just can’t. Now Cole feels betrayed by Anne, and Anne is devastated about the clubhouse.... and the women of Avonlea are against Miss Stacy, and Matthew disappointed Anne... can nobody be happy in this episode? It’s truly tragical and devastating. I should not have opted for rewatching it right before going to bed, on a school night at that. How will I sleep now?

Gosh, Cole really has had it now. I’m not saying Billy Andrews did not deserve it (he did and he does), but violence is never the answer. Still, I guess it’s justified now. Too bad it will probably lead to even more trouble for Cole. See, even he’s scared of what he’s done. He surely didn’t mean for it to go that far. And to the creators - this is no way to end an episode.

Let’s sum up: we meet Miss Stacy; intonation matters; the fox is in danger; Billy the bully has a weapon now - how bad can things get?; Bash struggles with farming; Anne accidentally makes a bad impression on a kindred spirit; appalling, stupid, clueless; ‘Come to me, Muse!’; Rachel Lynde sticks her nose into things that are not her business - what else is new; potato light bulbs; Bash visits Mary; the clubhouse is destroyed; Anne accidentally betrays Cole, leading to dramatic consequences; a disastrous ending to a devastating episode.

[evengayerpanic]

Hello! First of all, love your fics. ♥️ Waiting patiently for the next chapter of Trains and Paasengers.😊 Is it okay to give a writing prompt? Hahaha! Like how Ellie and Aster's world will collide with Will and Vivian's. :) Maybe they're in the same city and they needed a doctor or even Ellie becoming a doctor under the guidance of Will. Or even the art world will introduce Aster to Vivian. Hahaha they just seem cute together and all the gut feels it will bring.

Writing prompts are always welcome to give, thank you so much for your kind words about my work! I should have the last chapter of Trains and Passengers up in a few days or so! I really hope that you enjoy what I’ve done with your prompt! It was a lot of fun to write, I adore Wil and Vivian, Alice Wu does an amazing job making her characters come to life.

_________________

“Tell me again who we’re having dinner with, baby, one of your students?” Wilhelmina Pang peered over towards the bathroom where her beautiful wife was half-dressed, desperately trying to finish curling her hair and applying the last touches of her make-up.

Vivian Shing looked up in the mirror, making eye contact with Wil as the latter did the buttons of her blouse up, rolling her sleeves just slightly - the way Vivian liked it. “Aster Flores.” She replied, setting down her curling iron and reaching for the tube of lipstick. “She’s the painter we hired to do the magic forest backdrops for our spring recital.”

“I see.” Wil smirked, adjusting her collar, before moving to Vivian’s side as the woman struggled to reach behind her for the zipper. “I got it, sweetheart.”

Vivian beamed, turning to face her wife with a blush of gratitude as Wil did her dress up for her. “I think you’ll love her, she’s a fantastic painter. She’s so very innovative, and she is just absolutely brilliant.”

“You used to think that I was brilliant, too.” Wil teased.

With a teasing grin, Vivian leaned in until she was pressed against her wife, faces inches from each other. “Yes, that was before you became a Mother. Now you’re boring, and no fun... I mean our bed time is nine-thirty at night, just how lame is that?”

“You’re the one who falls asleep during Jeopardy.”

“You’re the one that makes me watch Jeopardy, no wonder I fall asleep, Wil.” Vivian smiles, leaning up and kissing her wife’s nose gently, pulling back to look at her. “You aren’t jealous, are you, my love?”

Wilhelmina shakes her head, but it isn’t convincing.

“She’s twenty-two, and we’re going to dinner with her AND her girlfriend, you have nothing to worry about.”

Wil makes a face that Vivian can’t help but laugh at. Her voice playfully hurt-sounding as she protests. “I wasn’t worried anyways.” Her face grows soft as she wraps her arms around Vivian’s waist and draws her in closer. “Besides, you’re mine, even if I have to chase you down in an airport again to keep you here.”

Vivian laughs, brushing the lock of hair that fell from Wil’s ponytail behind her ear. “This time you better kiss me then when I ask you too.” She teases her.

Right before Wil can remind Vivian of all the times she’s kissed her since then, the door bursts open and three little bodies race into their bedroom, practically jumping at each other as they dive on Wil and Vivian.

“Mama! Bowen is teasing me!” Wilhelmina is pounced on by her four year old daughter, the little girl wraps her arms around her mother and wails into her.

“Nuh uh!” The six year old boy immediately retorts, shaking his head as his twin copies his movement.

“She’s telling a fib!” Bence, always the one to escalate the situation, immediately yelps. He sticks his tongue out at his little sister if only to prove her right.

Vivian sees this and immediately scolds him, a warning in her voice as she gives him the look that only mother’s can give. “Bence, leave Mei alone.”

The boy sulks, but only for a moment as Wilhelmina reminds their three young and rambunctious children gently, “You better be good, Nai Nai is coming to watch you, and she’s bringing Caihong.”

The children immediately stop bickering and begin to cheer. While Nai Nai is not their favourite grandma (they claim that their Lao Lao is nicer), all three children absolutely adore their Mama’s little sister Cai.

As Caihong has gotten older, she’s less inclined to play with her niece and nephews, instead choosing to be with her friends. However, Wil and Vivian plan on being out late tonight, and there’s no way that Wil’s Mother would leave her twelve year old unattended at night, so the child has to come along to babysit.

Wilhelmina is happy for her kids, but also feels bad for her poor sister who’s likely going to be delegated to being the children’s play toy for the entire evening.

Vivian smiles at Bowen and Bence, sitting down on the edge of the bed and letting the two boys climb into her lap to press kisses to her cheeks, waving Mei over as well so that Wil can finish tying her tie.

“So what’s the girls name?” Wil asks, her ears perking up as their doorbell rings and the children all sprint towards it excitedly. “The name of your painter?”

_________________

“Aster Flores!” The brunette young woman perks up, holding her hand out to Dr. Wilhelmina Pang with an earnest smile. “And this is my girlfriend, Ellie Chu!”

Wil takes her hand and shakes it, before turning to shake the other girls hand as well. “Nice to meet you, Aster. My wife speaks highly of you and your work.”

The young woman blushes slightly as Ellie responds for her. “Aster has plenty of good things to say about Vivian as well. She really enjoys working with her.”

The two women nod their heads at each other, before Wil tries to spark up a conversation. “So what do you do for work, Ellie, are you a painter as well?”

“Oh no.” Ellie stammers. “I’m nowhere near talented enough to paint like Aster does, I’m a junior editor.”

Wilhelmina looks at Ellie like she understands exactly what she’s talking about. “I know. Sometimes when I see Vivian dance, I feel like I’m super untalented.”

Ellie immediately perks up. “I once saw Aster paint a meadow of flowers in about four hours!” She pauses hesitantly. “Sometimes I can barely correct the mistakes in an article in that amount of time.”

The two women begin to gush about how talented the loves of their lives are, excusing themselves to go grab the ladies a drink. Aster and Vivian watch after them, amused smirks settled on both their faces.

“So I think I just noticed something...” Vivian trails off as the women get further away, matching white button-ups and near identical hair styles making it difficult to tell where Wil ends and Ellie begins.

Aster nods her head, feeling a little like she’s in the twilight-zone as the women both cringe when the male bartender speaks to them. She can tell they’ve just been hit on from the way that Ellie - or wait, maybe it’s Wil - she can’t tell from a distance due to the outfit they both decided to wear despite having never met before, steps back and Wil - or maybe it’s Ellie - hesitantly hands over the money for the drinks. “We’re dating the same person, aren’t we?”

“Well not exactly...” Vivian trails off, hearing Wil and Ellie both begin to awkwardly laugh at the bartender and also laugh a little at themselves. “I think that I’m technically married to the person that you’re dating.”

Aster wordlessly holds her hand out to Vivian, a small engagement ring sitting on her finger, her mouth still slightly open as she watches the two interact. Finally she turns slightly to Vivian. “She surprised me last night with this ring, so we’re engaged now.”

Vivan’s eyes widen, both at Aster’s news but at the fact that the two are getting along like they’ve known each other forever, despite it being less than five minutes. “Congratulations Aster! I’m so happy for you both...” She pauses again as the girls turn to walk back to them with drinks. “This is still really weird though.”

Aster nods in agreement. “Definitely weird.”

_________________

“And then I had to tell Paul that just because he has a key to our place, doesn’t mean he can come over unannounced and not expect to see something he doesn’t want too.” Ellie rolled her eyes as the table started laughing, Aster going pink in the ears.

“My Mom and neighbour Jay are like that, they’ve definitely walked in on a few things that they regret.” Wil smirks at Vivian, her wife smacking her in the arm lightly with a laugh as she also blushed with Aster.

“We took both of their keys away.” Vivian admits.

The four of them enjoy a nice dinner together, a few bottles of wine are opened and the conversation is all over the place; anecdotes from all four of their careers, full rants about how people treat lesbians and bisexual women, and even a few comments about the children that Vivian and Wilhelmina have.

It’s nice being able to talk to the younger couple about the process they went through with the kids, how Vivian carried the twins and then Wil was the one pregnant with their youngest. It’s too early for Aster and Ellie to think about having kids, but they still seem interested in asking details for the future.

They even laugh about their significant others attention to details when it comes to decoration.

“I swear, Vivian gets so crazy about decor, she made me paint our daughters room about six different shades before it was finally the right colour!”

“Aster made me move all of our living room furniture three times until it ‘felt right’, I was exhausted!”

“Wil’s favourite colours are so muted, if it weren’t for the kids being around I think we’d look like we were living in a black and white movie or something!”

“I told Ellie to go find some art for our office, her only decorating job, she came back with a horse picture and an actual dogs playing poker painting.”

They laugh when hearing about Ellie and Paul’s antics in writing Aster love letters, the story much funnier now that the hurt and betrayed feelings are gone.

“So, here I am, getting proposed to by my high school boyfriend in my Dad’s church in front of the entire town, and Ellie, just decides to scream out, ‘No!’”

Ellie blushes bright red, embarrassment written clear over her face until Vivian comes to her defense slyly.

“I think it’s cute. This one...” She nudges Wil with her elbow playfully, a smirk on her face, “Wouldn’t even kiss me in a crowded airport to prove her love.”

Wil rolls her eyes back at her wife. “Baby, we’ve been married ten years and have three kids... We got over the airport thing! Besides, I’ve kissed you in plenty of airports since then.” She shares a look with Ellie.

“Two airports.” Vivian teases. “Once during our honeymoon, and then again last summer when we took the kids to Disney Land.”

Ellie glances back at Wilhelmina. “Don’t worry, when I proposed last night, Aster waited a whole two minutes looking around our apartment, before finally turning to me and saying she was waiting to see if anyone would scream ‘No!’ this time around.”

“Remind me again why we put up with this?” Wil glances back at Vivian, only to feel her heart swell like it did all those years ago, and she doesn’t even need to hear Ellie’s answer, but she still humours her.

“Because... Women.” Ellie answers plainly, her own heart swelling as she grabs Aster’s hand and squeezes it, the smile Aster gives her lighting up the room.

“Ah yes, women. Good reason.”

_________________

By the time dessert is over and the bill has been brought; Wil and Ellie have made plans to meet for dinner again the next time the loves of their lives are stuck at work, they’ve also planned to take the kids to a musical in a few weeks, Aster and Vivian not welcome to attend because they’re ‘judgey’.

“Last time we went to a play, you said the set looked like it had been painted by a five year old, Aster!”

“No, I said that I had done better at five years old.”

“You almost got us thrown out of Mei’s ballet class, I’m not letting you get us kicked out of this, Viv!”

“That woman was teaching our daughter all wrong!”

As they leave to return home for the night; Wilhelmina and Vivian to their hopefully sleeping babies, Aster and Ellie to their cat Idgie Threadgoode, there is a round of hugs and handshakes between the couples. Surprisingly, Ellie and Wil are the ones to hug, while Aster and Vivian laugh and shake hands.

“Hey, El?” Wil smiles as the younger girl opens the door for her fiancee. “I’m really glad that your fiancee paints really detailed and talented set pieces.”

Ellie smiles back. “And Wil? I’m really glad your wife is talented and creative enough to have created her own unique ballet so that my fiancee can paint her really detailed and talented set pieces.”

[raspberry-arev]

And they were roommates! (Snowbaz fic)

My writer self is back, armed with a cringe title and a whole lot of angst. Ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary folk, I bring you a second part of the only fanfic I have ever written: And there was only one bed! (full of me projecting onto Baz because I can)

Summary: Baz and Simon have been sharing a bed for quite a while now, but their relationship is not progressing at all. Who will make the next move? Can they just talk to each other like normal people? Find out for yourselves!!

Word count:  7,5k

Tags: sharing a bed, kissing, unholy amounts of angst, heartbreak, oblivious gay energy, Penny the emotion translator, eventual fluff, Baz being a tortured soul x10

BAZ

What followed was silence.

Approximately five weeks passed since the time Snow exploded at me – this time in verbal form – and demanded we keep sleeping in the same bed, for no better reason than he wants to. (Look at pretentious I am, saying “approximately” like I haven’t been counting every single night.) 

Each sunset marked the time Simon Snow would come from the bathroom, breath smelling of peppermint toothpaste, and lay down in my bed. Sometimes I wasn’t there to witness it, as I was at football practice or feeding underground, but I assumed it would always happen like that. I could see him there, waiting for me, every time I closed my eyes.

I didn’t even have the energy to call myself pathetic at this point. I was too far gone.

The issue I had with this was that we – upon previous agreement, you could say – didn’t ever talk about it. At first, that seemed ideal. Wouldn’t it be dangerous to get too close? We might as well avoid it. Not give anything we were doing a name. What an adventure,I thought like the idiot I am. We would be secret lovers that didn’t call themselves secret lovers for the safety of it.

Now, I desperately wanted something defined. Something I could name and understand.

Snow and I… were stagnant. Each night was the same as the last. He was there, and however late I came, I sunk into the strange familiarity of his arms. (I hated the way I adored him even if he was snoring next to me with his mouth open.) But there was nothing else happening – just the sleeping, as he had said before.

Was I hoping for, at the very least, weekly make out sessions? Yes. Like bloody hell I was, who do you even take me for?

Admittedly, I was hoping he would say something, too. I was hoping he would try to give me more hints at whatever he was feeling when we were together. And he did not. Night after night, he did not, and I am a coward, so I surely wasn’t about to go first. Contrary to what it looked like sometimes, I did not have suicidal tendencies.

One thing did change, and I felt like it would be only a matter of time until people got suspicious. We stopped fighting. After all, rowing all day and cuddling all night was too great a contrast. I wouldn’t be able to keep that up. All our name-calling, playing tricks and consequent bursts of anger were replaced by strange, polite indifference. Snow mostly ignored me outside our room, perhaps besides the occasional staring across a room that I reciprocated as soon as he looked away. And I attempted to ignore him, painfully aware of the weird looks Dev and Niall were exchanging when they thought I wasn’t paying attention. I dreaded the day they would start poking their noses into it.

What pissed me off then was that even when we were alone, our conversations were never more than small talk. Not more than asking about when the other was coming back as he was one foot out the door. “You’ll have to spell the bed again, I think.” Asking whether you can open or close the window. Maybe a couple of: “Sorry, am I laying on your hair?” Or: “Can you move, my arm is asleep.”

And, who could forget, talking about fucking homework.

I distinctly remember this one time when I laid down next to him and he hid his face in my shirt, arm thrown over my body. I got comfortable and pulled him closer, just a tiny bit, so I wouldn’t look too desperate for contact. As I was thinking disgustingly gentle thoughts at him, he suddenly pushed me away just a little so he could look at me from under his heavy eyelids. “Baz?” he said, his voice deeper than usual. I swallowed. “Yeah?” I whispered almost without moving my lips. I thought I knew what was going to come next, and my stomach did a flip. Nay, three flips at once.

And then he asked, “Was there homework for Greek?”

I thought I would slap him. That was the closest I came to yelling at him – I called him stupid and lazy at the very least, because of course there was, firstly, and secondly, how dare you be so ridiculously oblivious, Simon Snow? How dare you?!

He didn’t understand why I got so upset.

I didn’t care to give him lessons in taking a hint.

I tried to think of it like this: what we had was already more than I ever thought I was going to get in my life. And thinking about that usually made me smile just a little. Who would have thought, right? Tell that to my younger self and he would probably pass out. In a good way.

(Can one pass out “in a good way”?)

(Do vampires have to worry about fainting? I didn’t get around to testing that out just yet. Maybe if Snow kissed me…)

These days, I kept thinking about all that the two of us could be. About… about “together”. And I knew I must be delirious, yes, but oh Crowley, it all must’ve meant something, right? Maybe, just maybe, Simon was thinking the same things I was. Maybe neither of us was brave enough and we were just playing this charade of “casual” because we thought the other didn’t care. Maybe we were bothclueless idiots and we couldn’t take a hint.

I felt myself growing more hopeful.

I felt like with all that life was throwing at me since my early years, this would be the one good thing that happened to me. This would save me and outweigh the tragic rest. If I just took the chance.

Soon.

Soon, I would.

Maybe not today – or tonight – but when I felt the time is right. On Morgana, I would.

***

Another day. Another day just like the others, full of schoolwork, stolen glances and talking about nothing of importance.

I was gathering my things for practice, while simultaneously burning a hole in Snow’s scalp with my eyes. Why wouldn’t he just talk to me? He was usually friendly with people. But then you let him sleep in your bed and he pretends you don’t exist…

Well, actually, no. I was being unreasonable. It’s not like I knew what to talk to him about either. Nothing seemed important enough to even hassle with. I wanted to talk about the two of us, about kissing, about dates, about more, morethings than just schoolwork or who uses the bathroom.

I couldn’t stall any longer. It wasn’t like Coach would be mad at me for coming late; after all, I was one of his best players, and if all else failed, a single mention of Mother would put him back in line.

But why would I wait here? What for?

Just as I turned my back to him, he glanced at me from his bed. (The only time he used it was when he was lounging during the day.) “When are you gonna be back?” he asked me. His tone was about as intimate as a landlord’s. I fought the sinking feeling in my chest.

“Late,” I replied. I needed to hunt today.

“Ok. Bye then,” he murmured, and I closed the door behind me without a response. I had to stop in the middle of the corridor to take a few deep breaths. I was so, so annoyed with him. And with myself. What was it I even expected him to do? A dramatic declaration of unyielding affection as I was off to practice? Was I stupid?

Yes. Stupid in love. There was no use in pretending I wasn’t. I thought of Simon Snow, as I did most of my waking hours, and let the warm feeling spread throughout my body as I descended from the stairs and walked on to the school grounds.

I cared so much. And I felt so alive for it. But I was also… frustrated? Sad? Desperate? All of the above.

Was I ever going to have him? Oh, I so desperately wanted him. I missed those days when I listened more to my sense of rationality than my heart. When I could see that to keep him safe at least a bit, I had to keep away from him. And to keep myself safe, too.

Now, I wanted to battle the odds.

Fuck the odds, fuck all prophecies. I only had limited time. “Saving the world” would get in the way. Someone else would get in the way – what was the deal between him and Wellbelove now, anyway? I didn’t know! Or maybe we would both live to graduate… and he would go out into the world doing Crowley-knows-what and I would be out of chances.

I refused to let myself run out of chances. Not this time.

Stood directly in front of the changing room, a couple of lads trailing behind me, I stopped. I turned on my heel and stomped back toward the dorms, waving off all confused shouts that came after me. None of them was Coach. Not that I cared. There was something I had to do.

My legs brought me back to the Mummers House, up and up and up all those stairs. Ran to the door. Swung it open. The impulse that brought me here was buzzing in my body. What was I doing? Who knew. Not me.

Snow didn’t move from his bed in those ten minutes I was gone.

He sat up straighter, his eyes asking me tens of questions. But before his mouth could ask some too, I was looming over him.

“Get up!” I ordered.

There was a flash of wariness in his expression. He did what I asked. Slowly. I noticed his hand hovering over his hip. That bloody sword of his. Yes, Snow, get it ready, I’m fine leaving this world like this. After this.

I let go completely. Sometimes, the crashing of all the walls you built to protect yourself can sound like a single sigh escaping your lips.

I grabbed his face and kissed him. Shut my eyes as tight as I could and leaned into him, and he was burning hot, so undeniably, amazingly real. I was kissing Simon Snow and I didn’t care that I didn’t know what to do with my lips now that they made contact with his. It… it seemed easier in my head. I had never kissed anyone before this. Like whom? Who could ever be enough to replace him?

For a split second, or maybe split ten years, nothing happened. And then his lips moved against mine. Took the lead. I let him. I felt him grab a handful of my shirt and I was ready to melt, ready to burn –

Movement.

Something moved at the door.

I opened my eyes, which was precisely when his hands pushed me away so hard I almost landed on my ass. All disheveled and confused, I looked around.

And I met with two eyes opened wide, in utter disbelief.

The eyes of Penelope Bunce.

There are and never will be no words to describe the terror I felt.

Fuck. Fucking shit, I was dead. The world was positively over.

I glanced at Snow in panic, as if asking him what to do, how to handle it, how to lie, what to say, please Simon just–

It wasn’t an exchange of glances. It was me looking and him trying not to vomit, I’d say. His face was wild with emotion. I couldn’t identify it, but it wasn’t a good one. It felt like he had shattered every bone in my torso, just like that.

His head whipped around towards Bunce.

“It’s not like that at all,” he exclaimed, reaching out to her as if he was urging her not to run away.

It’s…

It was not like that. Like that. At all.

Crowley, I was a fool. I was a fool. Somebody shoot me. Burn me and put a stake through my heart. My life was over anyway.

Don’t cry. Just don’t cry, you stupid fuck, don’t cry.

Bunce was just opening her mouth to say something, but I already dashed forward. She jumped to the side with a yelp as I pushed through the door and left. And almost rolled down the stairs. And slipped onto the school grounds and I ran, I ran, I ran for the forest as fast as I could, as if I had a horde of villagers with torches behind me, which would probably be a better fate than the one that was awaiting me.

My chest was aching. As if somebody was stabbing little pieces of glass into it.

I didn’t think it would feel like that. I hadn’t thought about anything at all, period. I never would have done it if I had.

As I stumbled between the trees into the eerily dim woods, everything was screaming in my head, everything was so loud, every sight and memory so bright, but the brightest and loudest… that would be his face. The one he made after he pushed me. When he said… When he denied everything…

Suddenly, my legs gave in and I collapsed onto the ground. My chest was so tight. It hurt so much, Crowley, what was happening? It felt like my heart was actually, physically ripping in half. Could it? I might be the first person – creature– to experience it. Violent sobs came out of my throat and I was not just crying, I was screaming like an animal into my hands, and the sound was so foreign as it echoed in the misty forest that some part of me found it unlikely that I was making it.

I stayed there until dark and then hunted and cried and hunted again. And the entire time, at the back of my head, I was thinking: I didn’t know it would feel like this. I didn’t know he could break me any more than he already has.

SIMON

Days continued to come and pass, and I was mostly carrying on as usual. But I couldn’t really escape the obvious: something was very wrong with Baz.

I lived with the guy my whole teenage years, you know. He always had this air about him, like he’s something better than you and he knows it really damn well. He was posh and graceful and unbothered; I was never totally sure if it’s just an act, or a genuine, unrehearsed thing about him.

Suddenly, all of that got lost. After… well, after.

I didn’t really try to talk to him or anything. Didn’t know what I’d say. But he wouldn’t even meet my eyes when we passed each other, anyway. It felt like he was hiding inside of himself, if that makes sense. From me, or maybe from everyone. He skipped meals and afternoon tea, nobody had seen him at the pitch for weeks. He looked like a beaten dog most of the time.  Something told me it was my fault. Although that seemed impossible. He always looked like he couldn’t care less about what I said or did. I was pissing him off by just breathing, basically.

But then… The last month or so, I didn’t know what to make of him.

I didn’t know what to make of myself, either. I solved that by just doing what I liked doing and not over-analyzing why I want to do it. Case in point, sharing my roommate’s bed. As long as he was up for it… (It’s not like anything gets solved by just thinking about it until you go crazy. You gotta let things go.)

However… I caught myself way too often staring into the distance and absentmindedly touching my lips. The kiss was still pressed into them.

I… look, I really don’t understand what happened there! Or rather, I somewhere deep in my soul I did, but going down that road positively terrified me. A week ago, a bloke kissed me like it was the end of the world and then ran away. No, wait – Baz kissed me, not just “a bloke”. That was, somehow, different.

But that’s where I would have to start asking myself questions. And honestly, I didn’t have that kind of time.

Of course, then there’s the situation with… Penny just… walking in on us. Like that. I kind of wished she would tell me what was going through her head, but I also desperately prayed to never have to talk to her about it. Maybe she would spare me and we could forget about it…? Penny wouldn’t tell anybody. I knew she wouldn’t, but I… I never talked to her about the whole thing. I promised Baz I wouldn’t tell anybody about what we were doing. It’s not like we did anything, anyway, but I couldn’t even imagine the chaos that would take place if the word got out… Everyone would start assuming things and…

It’s understandable that I didn’t want that, isn’t it? As if I didn’t have enough issues to deal with.

Penny didn’t say a single word about it for a very long time. I almost got my hopes up, almost allowed myself to carry on like usual.

Until one afternoon, when we met up for a study session. As in, Penny helps me with my schoolwork and I tell her whether her essays make any sense, although they are always very well-phrased and generally perfect.

(We used to bring Agatha, too. But she didn’t really talk to us anymore, since we took our “break”. Just a fancy word for a breakup, basically.)

(Did I even miss her?)

(See, another question I wasn’t keen on answering.)

After she managed to cram some of our Political Science study material into my head…, she made a vague comment about the “last time she came to my room” being “interesting”. I could see curiosity bubbling just below the surface of her face.

Oh no, please don’t, Penny, I thought. Out loud, I said: “I really don’t know if Baz has reported you know how to get to the boy’s dorms, sorry. I hope he hasn’t.”

She gave me a look, like I see right through your bullshit.

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it,” she assured me, “but you know I’m not talking about myself here.”

I felt my cheeks getting hot. I hunched and started picking at my uniform.

“Simon? Are you okay?”

Did I really want to tell her? I could feel she truly wanted to listen… she was Penny after all. We were a duo. A team.

“Look, I just…”

And then I spilled. Like an idiot, stuttering and getting tangled in words that had just too many syllables to be mumbled at an extremely high speed, I told her about everything. About my nightmares and the damn fire that I lied to her about out of embarrassment, about Baz’s offer to sleep in his bed, about how long it’s all been happening. I left out the kissing… I didn’t know what to say about that.

Penny was usually a pretty stable person. Not the type to get over-excited or freak out. But this time, her mouth was gaping open. She couldn’t believe her ears, and I didn’t blame her. It all sounded like a fever dream.

“So… that’s that,” I concluded and put one of my hands in my hair. “We’ve been sleeping together until… well, until that time. You know.”

“Wait,” Penny almost slammed the table. “Wait, sleeping together?!”

Sleeping…Oh god. Oh god, why can’t I talk like a normal person? “No!” I waved my hands, ears burning. “No, I mean literal sleeping. Literally!”

“Oh. That makes more sense, to be honest. Although I don’t judge…”

“Penny! For Crowley’s sake!”

She chuckled. There was a bit of silence. But then she looked at me with her kind eyes. Like she was looking at a kid. “But there was kissing?” she nudged me.

I looked away. “Only what you saw.”

“Oh. Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“No, no…” I shook my head. My brows furrowed as I tried to think of what I wanted to say. I just knew I wanted to say something. To not give her the wrong impression. Although, I didn’t know what impression would be right. “I don’t even know… whyhe did that, you know? To be honest, at first I thought he was going to punch me.”

And then he kissed me. And he was cold and firm and grabbing my face and nothing like anything I felt before.

Penny smirked and clicked her pen.

“Not really surprising,” she assessed. “Baz seems like exactly the guy to be mean to his crush.”

“Wait, uh… Crush? You… you think he likes me like that?”

She gave me an absolutely bewildered look and leaned towards me.

“Simon! He made out with you!”

All blood started boiling inside of me. I sunk into the chair. It… yeah, it made sense, but to think of it like that was…

Was I his crush?

Was he my crush? How would I know? Like, how can I be sure?

“Simon… have the two of you talked about what happened yet?”

I just shook my head.

“I don’t want to get nosy or anything,” she pushed up her glasses, “but I think it would be better if you did. Clear communication helps a lot, you know?”

Yeah?

And what would I tell him?

I didn’t have any answers. What was I feeling? Why exactly did I like when we shared a bed? Would I kiss him again? Did I feel something for him? Did I feel something for a boy?

What did I want from him?

I buried my face in my hands. I heard Penny get up immediately and rush around the table to my side. Before she could say anything motherly and soft that would just make me hurt from the inside, I confessed to my empty hands:

“I have no idea who I am anymore.”

BAZ

I was sure this was where I would stop loving Snow.

Up until now, I would have thought that was impossible to achieve. That somebody would have to kill me in order to stop me from loving the boy… I had been wrong about plenty other things before this, it was no wonder I was wrong about this, too.

Dear Morgana, I felt ashamed of myself for how utterly shitty I was feeling.

I thought I would be… well, sad at best if I were to be rejected. I had expected it, hadn’t I? I thought I’d be quietly, promptly devastated, and then not anymore, just to stand tall and undefeated when the inevitable backlash comes.

There was no consequence for what I had done, surprisingly. But I couldn’t relish in the thought, because…

Well. As previously stated, I felt like shit.

I could not sleep. Contrary to popular belief, even undead creatures need sleep to function, and I would get four hours of shallow slumber a night at best. I was being haunted by… well, not nightmares in the traditional sense… just dreams. Bad dreams. Bad, because Snow was in them, bad, because whenever I saw him, awake or not, my chest started hurting again (which was completely of a psychological origin, yes) and I genuinely felt like crying. But I could not, not even when I woke up sore and exhausted and with an overflowing fountain behind my eyes. I could not cry, because after all, the person who caused this was my roommate. And I had my pride. To the extent that I wouldn’t let him see me break down completely.

If sharing a room with him felt impossible before, I don’t know what it was now.

Absolute hell. My personal brand of it.

I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t bear being in the same space as him. Golden boy. “It’s not like that.” I wasted so much of myself on him. “At all.” Not that I was worth much to begin with, but still.

I hated him. I hated him, I was hurting, I was crying my eyes out when nobody could see or hear me, I hated myself, I kept hurting and not sleeping and not eating and I wished I would just stop existing too.

It’s been a while since it’s been so bad. The way I felt.

But maybe it was for the best. Because with all the hate and hurt that was filling me, how could there ever be space for more affection?

Maybe this would really be when I broke free from him.

If I survived to see the day, that is.

***

Time seemed to happen to everybody else, but not to me. I was not even sure how on earth I was keeping up with all of my assignments. I didn’t remember finishing them or turning them in, but there they were. Guess I had been working on autopilot.

But one of these identical, bleak afternoons, something ominous happened.

First of all, it was all a fault of bad timing on my part. I was passing the dining hall when afternoon tea would be coming to an end. I realized my fault as soon as I turned into the corridor and saw my classmates slowly leave the room. Chatting in groups. Everywhere. I tensed up – I knew hewouldn’t be far, as he wouldn’t miss an opportunity to ram cherry scones into his mouth. Just the thought of him made me ache a bit…

Then I caught a glimpse of rapid movement.

Unfortunately, I looked.

And Crowley below, it was Penelope Bunce. Waving at me. I didn’t even try to look over my shoulder to see if she means somebody standing behind me... Her gleaming dark eyes were fixed on me alone.

Cold fear gripped my lungs and squeezed the air out of them. This was it. The consequences were here. Invasive questions. Possibly ridicule or threats, who knows? My mind was giving me plenty of possible catastrophic scenarios. But I couldn’t not pass her in the hall – there was nowhere else to go, besides run in the opposite direction as if my life depended on it.

What did she want?

I would ignore her. I would just walk and ignore her.

I did make an honest attempt… but Bunce caught my elbow when I was trying to squeeze through a group of younger students. My try at the “get your filthy hands off me” glare went in vain.

“Hey!” she said to me. She knew damn well how weird it was to pretend that we just casually greet each other like that, but went on anyway: “I just hoped we could talk for a minute.”

“Well,” I retorted and yanked my arm out of her grip, “I definitely didn’t.”

Bunce let air out of her nose. Not exactly like an angry bull. An exasperated bull would be more like it.

“Just keep it civil for once, will you,” she looked up at me. “It won’t take long, I promise.” And then, as if she had been reading my thoughts: “Simon’s gone to Ebb’s today, you know.”

Crowley bless the weird-ass goatherd.

I jutted out my jaw. I was still feeling very defiant, but maybe hearing her out would make her leave me alone sooner. And as much as I didn’t like to admit that, Bunce was always sensible. Slightly terrifying and intense… but yes, sensible.

“Alright?” I reached up and put my hair behind my ears. It was greasy. Bleh. When was the last time I washed it…? “Go on, then.”

“Not here. Come,” she ordered and simply started walking. Her audacity was almost impressive. The only interactions we ever had was when she was breaking up fights between myself and Snow… she was in no position to tell me what to do, and yet, there she was.

Commanding. Bossy.

I followed her because she reminded me of a part of myself I couldn’t really find and dearly missed.

After turning a few corners, she tried to open a door of a classroom, seemingly at random. The door was unlocked somehow. She let me in first.  I made sure to stand very close to the exit, in case I needed an escape route.

Once she was facing me, I made a simple gesture in the likes of “what is it”.

“Okay, so,” she started, “it’s about that time you saw me come into Mummers House.”

My hand twitched toward the door. I had to admit, she phrased it quite nicely though. As if her breaking the Watford code was a graver situation than me and Snow… No, I couldn’t even finish that thought on the inside without feeling my chest tightening. Fuck.

“What about it?”

“Well, I thought that we could just make an agreement here. Since it looks like you didn’t go and report me.” She hops onto a table and swings her legs back and forth. “I won’t talk if you won’t, that sort of thing.”

I snarled. What a sneaky little…

“Mutual blackmail? I’m touched.”

Bunce looked at me in a very strange way. “No, I didn’t mean it like that at all,” she assured me. “I can magically swear it if you want. It’s not my thing to tell, anyway. I would never.”

Tell the tale to someone who believes it, I thought to myself.

But I couldn’t really say anything out loud. This was the one person – apart from Snow – that knew what happened. Nobody else could ever know. But… but she did know already. By accident, but she knew.

Something in me was meekly calling out to her.

Say more. Please. Let me… I don’t know, let me break and spill all over the floor like broken shards of a porcelain figure. Please, could I…? Just once, could I stop holding myself together…?

Except I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t rest. The pretense was all that I had left to do in life. Always acting, always hiding, always keeping everything locked in.

“Other than that, I…” Bunce added and I kind of jumped, not really realizing she was still there and it wasn’t just me, lost in my own mind. “I wanted to ask if you’re feeling alright?”

I gave her a quick look before turning away.

“That’s honestly none of your business.” The tone of my voice was all wrong. Too fucking vulnerable. Bunce replied simply: “I know that.”

We looked at each other. Two completely different people who existed only in the background of the other’s life. But it felt like now, we were connected. However insane it sounds. Maybe we were connected by knowing I kissed Snow and got my heart broken. Maybe by more than that, whatever that “more” would be.

Bunce sighed and tapped the other end of the table with her hand. My eyes fixed at the window behind her, I approached and lightly leaned on the desk, still leaving a few feet of space between us.

“Look,” she said, looking straight ahead, “don’t get me wrong. I love Simon to bits. But the truth is, my best friend is often quite a dumbass.” Then she corrected: “Usually.”

That, I could agree with. But I said nothing. I was busy biting my tongue and refusing to look at her.

“He reacted pretty badly then.” She crossed her legs at the ankles. “But just… wait it out. Simon will come around as soon as he’s done figuring out… well, all of it. He is on a good way.”

I felt a lump rising in my throat. I swallowed. So they were talking about it? What else did the girl know? And was I even mad about it at this point?

What I was more interested in was…

“Bunce… why are you even telling me that?” I asked, giving her a puzzled look (mixed with my general despair look, I presumed).

But really. What good was it to her to tell me all of this?

Not to mention she was giving me hope. I could not afford that. Not again, not ever again.

She smiled at me. Way too kindly. It hit me all at once how odd this tête-à-tête was. “Well, Pitch, that’s simple,” she retorted. “I know that you care about Simon a lot. In your own way. That includes pushing him down the stairs from time to time.”

The corners of my mouth twitched upward.

Nothing like the memories of good, simpler times.

“And don’t get me wrong,” she suddenly continued, “but you’ve looked like absolute hell lately. That was a factor too.”

That actually made me smile for a second

“Thanks,” I told her, and when we looked at each other, she was grinning. “Pleasure,” she nodded at me, then jumped down onto the floor and formally extended an arm towards me. I rolled my eyes, but I gripped it and shook it a couple times, as if we had just concluded a business meeting. She put her hands in the pockets of her blazer and, instead of a goodbye, wished me: “Good luck out there.”

That created another crooked smile on my lips. I decided to mark this experience as less ominous than previously expected. As she turned her back to me and reached for the door handle, curiosity started growing in my mind. I couldn’t keep it all in.

“Bunce?” I called out to her.

“Yes?”

“This wasn’t… He didn’t send you to talk to me, did he?”

“No, he wouldn’t. But I figured, since I was already guiding one idiot through his love life, I might as well help another.”

SIMON

In the course of the following weeks, I had more deep emotion-related conversations with Penny than I had in my entire life before that. I mean… when it comes to feelings and relationships, she knows way more than I ever will, I think. I told her she was wise once. She laughed at me.

But basically…, I had been thinking.

And I was not ready to say anything definitively… I had no labels or anything yet, that stuff was just too confusing and I didn’t really need a label on my attraction and whatnot to function. But I settled on one thing: I so had a crush on Baz. And in a weird way, I think I had had it for a long time, but I just didn’t realize what it was.

I just kind of thought that I did not like boys, period. Because that was different. And if you were feeling that different, you would just know immediately, wouldn’t you?

Turns out that liking Baz is a very normal, right, non-dramatic feeling.

That reminds me… earlier that week, I went to see Ebb again. She was in quite a good mood that day, and she was concerned about how quiet and lost in thought I seemed. I started this vague conversation about “what if you liked someone that you maybe, uh, shouldn’t date or anything”. After a while of letting me spout absolute confused nonsense, she quietly asked: “Could this be about Natasha Pitch’s son, Simon?”

I almost choked on the stale pastry she gave me to munch on. I demanded to know how she got that so fast, and she just assured me that nobody is that obsessed with another person without a good reason. “I remember when you came to me once in your third year,” she laughed, “and talked about the boy for full two hours. That’s when I started to have an inkling.” Her eyes got misty. “You were so cute back then. And look how you’ve grown…”

My mind racing, I pushed on: “Why didn’t you talk to me about it then?” And Ebb answered with her own gentle question: “Were you ready to be talked to?”

No. No, I wasn’t, not then. And I still fully wasn’t now.

But maybe I just had to dare.

Ready or not, here I come.

***

Just like that, it was evening. Baz had quietly slipped into our room after dark and went straight to the bathroom.

I turned on the light.

Couldn’t sleep, anyway. Also, this felt like a giant déja vu.

Breathe, Simon, keep breathing…

I stood up as soon as Baz returned into the room, twisting his wet hair in a towel. How could he look so hot with wet hair? It wasn’t fair.

Baz stopped in his tracks and took everything in. Me in just my pajama bottoms standing there… the nightlight dimly lighting the room… me again, this time like he was calculating what was the catch here. Then he threw the towel over his chair (weirdly disorganized of him) and went to get to bed.

“Baz?” I spoke to him.

He twitched, as if he couldn’t decide between turning to me and ignoring me completely. But when I made a step towards him, he suddenly whipped around. I noticed the wary, hurt look in his eyes before he was able to conceal it. Crowley. I really fucked up, haven’t I?

I hated the way he was coiling up and leaning away from me, inch after inch. I didn’t know him like that. Oh please, let me fix this. All of this.

At first, I meant to just talk to him… as Penny said, open communication and all that… But being here with him, I made a quick change of plans and reached out to him. To cup his cheek in my palm. He almost turned his head away. But then, he closed his eyes and let me touch him. I wanted to erase all the tension in his face. I slid my hand to the nape of his neck, fingers brushing his wet hair, dark like the night sky outside…, and stepped closer.

Not as close as I would like, but closer.

Baz refused to look at me.

“I would tell you to get up,” I teased him lightly, “but you’re already standing, so…”

Then I tilted my head, to the side and up, just so I would reach his pursed lips.

BAZ

He was going to kill me. I didn’t want to make it so easy for him… I didn’t want to just let him waltz back into my personal space like he hadn’t made me feel the worst kind of way before this. But…

But as soon as his lips touched mine, the electric impulse brought me back to life. I felt lightheaded. He kissed me again and my lips turned soft and welcoming in a millisecond. I had no dignity. None. I kept myself from intertwining my limbs with his, from pulling at his curls. I wouldn’t give myself too easy… I wouldn’t…

Who was I kidding?

I didn’t have much of myself to give. He already had me.

SIMON

We pulled away from each other, breathing just a bit quicker than usual. Baz’s face was still difficult to read, but his eyes were wide, almost childlike. I couldn’t keep myself from smiling.

“Sorry,” I said. “It took me too long, didn’t it? Penny says that I should hire an emotion translator.”

He smirked. “She did say something along those lines, yes.”

I dropped my hand from his face and blinked about a hundred times. “Wait. Wait, since when do you two… I mean, she talked to you? Or youto heror… what?”

Baz cocked an eyebrow. “Well, Snow, I’m stealing your friends one by one. Watch out.”

Morgana help me, he could be so arrogant sometimes… I was annoyed just listening to that tone. And attracted. Somebody should explain the science behind all that.

“You’re an ass,” I pointed out.

He gave me a slow stare-down.

“Is that all you were going to say to me?” he wondered.

I felt my palms start sweating immediately.

No, I’m fine, I reminded myself. This is fine.

“Ah. Yes!” I nodded. “I, uh. I like you? If that’s not obvious by now. I didn’t really know before, but I like you a lot and… Yeah. I don’t know what we will do with that, but… Yeah.  I mean…” I stammered. “If you… Do you?”

Not smooth. Definitely the least smooth confession in the history of confessions. I should have stayed at the kissing. That’s clear communication enough, I think.

Baz looked at me without blinking. At the last two words, he gave me this absolutely confused look, as if he didn’t know what language I was speaking to him right now.

“Crowley, Snow,” he sighed. Absolutely done with me.

Then, he grabbed my shoulders and hauled me back first into a wall. Before I could even think “he’s attacking me” out of habit, he was already pressing his body into mine and kissing me like there was no tomorrow. He always kissed with intent, like the whole fate of the world depended in it.

I could do this all night. I would if he let me. I broke away only to whisper: “You are confusing the Anathema, I think.”

His cheeks turned a bit pink. “Shut up,” he snapped and went for my lips again. I turned my face away, just to tease him.

“No, but really,” I laughed. “You’ll have to be nicer to me now, won’t you?”

Baz looked me in the eyes.

His were beautiful. So damn beautiful. Like storm clouds.

“Snow…” he whispered gently.

BAZ

I couldn’t handle it. He made a stupid joke about the Anathema… and we were standing there in the soft yellow light of the night lamp and he was laughing so sweetly, he was like the damn sun, so warm and bright.

And I loved him.

I loved him so much I felt like it was going to rip me in half.

“Snow…” I managed to breathe out.

And then I felt tears rolling down my face.

He was about as startled as I was.

I immediately turned away from him and tried to breathe, but lately it was difficult for me to stop crying once I started. It was… it was all just a lot. Simon Snow came back to me. I was kissing Simon Snow just now. I didn’t deserve this, did I? I bet he didn’t mean it. I bet something would take him away from me again… and I would just be alone, completely alone again. I was so scared. Scared to be happy, because once you find that happiness – especially if it’s a person– it can be taken away from you.

“I… Baz? Did I say something? I’m sorry.” He tried to take a look at my face, but I tried just as hard to hide it.

“No,” I blurted out and looked up at the ceiling. “Crowley, no. I am sorry. What the fuck is even wrong with me…” I staggered sideways and leaned on the writing desk. I covered my eyes with one hand and pushed my fingers into my eyes, as if I could physically push the tears back.

“Hey, come on,” Snow cooed. I didn’t even have the willpower to try and fight him off when he put his arms around me. Making sure I wouldn’t start openly sobbing took all I had. “Really, did something happen?”

I tried to answer normally. But what came out was a half-sob, half-laugh, before the words began rushing out. “I just… I never thought this would happen,” I admitted. “All these years, I thought I could just never have you and… Now look at me. Crowley. Way to ruin the mood, right?” I felt like I could die.

“I didn’t… You’re not… You haven’t ruined anything,” he shook his head and rubbed my back to comfort me. But I could feel him not being sure what to do. Then he apologized: “Sorry, I’m rubbish at this, too.”

I dared to lay my forehead on his shoulder.

“We’re both pretty rubbish, I think,” I croaked. “And I’m the one making things awkward.”

“Well then, you could just push me against that wall again. Would that work?”

“Ha ha,” I said sarcastically, but then, I couldn’t help but laugh just a bit.

He brushed my hair out of my face.

I slipped my arms around his waist.

“Baz?”

“Yes?”

“Just… just wondering. How long have you liked me for, exactly?”

Funny you should ask.I lifted my head up to press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. The answer was simple. Straightforward.

“Always.”

He looked guilty for some reason. He pressed his forehead against mine. “Sorry it took me so long, then,” he almost whispered, and I couldn’t help but smile the widest smile in… Well, in years, I think.

“It’s okay,” I told him. “I think it’s okay now.”

[sirsapling]

MORE TAGGED POSTS

I got tagged in a bunch more things I didn't respond to fast enough, so UNDER THE CUT THEY GO. 

I have too many things to respond to, so I won't be tagging, but consider yourself tagged if you want to do any.

IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS

Tagged by the wonderful @bardingbeedle​

Pass the happy!🌻🌿 When you receive this, list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications!

Lying in warm blankets in an cold room. Bonus points for snow outside.

A fresh Buzz cut

Talking to @bardingbeedle​

Having long, passionate rambles about the Marvel Ultimates

Hashbrowns, bacon, maple syrup, maybe a pancake, and a sausage too.

Tagged by the chaotic @s-hylor​

top 3 cities you want to visit: Toronto, again. Colorado (I know its a state not a city I just want to visit ashes AND GET SNOW). And I would like to go back to Italy again. (I also want to visit, just, all of my fandom friends but I don't want to drop all their locations lol)

favorite marvel character: Ults!Steve Rogers and then Ults!Tony Stark. Not counting stony, Anthony the brain tumor, and not counting clones, Gregory Stark.

white chocolate - yay or nay?: Love it, love it, love it.

favourite board game: God Save The Queens- A board game about Bees I invented with 3 other people at University last year for a project.

how many countries have you been to: 10, I have been very luckily graced with the ability to travel to Europe with school a lot.

(Wales, France, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, America [Florida, Boston, New York], Spain, Portugal, Italy, and finally Canada.)

favorite thing to do on a rainy day: Anything indoors I might usually feel guilty about doing when its sunny. Tv or games particularly

favorite holiday: Christmas. I am a Christmas slut, call me festive sapling I LOVE Christmas.

pen or pencil: Pen. I once bought 7 in lisbon at the same time bc they were perfect and I didn't want to run out.

favourite kind of soup: Cupasoup Chicken noodle, I don't really like soups tbh, I like broths, and gravy type things I make too much of and eat like a soup (like golden Currys or korma sauces)

your typical order at a cafe or coffee shop: Caramel Frappucino or an iced Mocha. If I'm gonna pay a fuck tonne for coffee I'm gonna get a drinkable dessert.

favorite ride at an amusement park: Any slow rides that show you shit, like spaceship earth at EPCOT. I’m not really a speed dude.

the color of your sneakers: RED, red shoes are the shit folks, a good pair of red converse goes with everything.

favorite pbs show (or little kids show if you didn’t have pbs):  Uh I used to watch pokemon then winnie the pooh every single night. But little little kids show I used to watch a show called 64 zoo lane with my grandma so I have fond memories

Rules: name your favorite female characters from 10 different fandoms, then tag 10 people.

Tagged by the wonderful @ashes0909​

Natasha Romanov - Marvel Cinematic Universe

Carol Danvers - Marvel 616

Janet Van Dyne - Marvel Ultimates

Izumi Curtis - Full Metal Alchemist

Martha Jones - Doctor Who

Garnet - Steven Universe (if she doesn't count bc, space rock, Connie)

Rosa Diaz - Brooklyn 99

Ann Perkins  - Parks and Rec

Princess Caroline - Bojack Horseman

Pam Poovey - Archer

LOOK I know there was a lot of cheating here, but I don't have non marvel fandoms really, and I have a hard time remembering a lot of the TV I enjoyed.

Rules: Share your top 10 AO3 additional tags. Tagged by the mysterious @nigmuff​

look I don't know if I have enough tags to make this a justified representation, but the ones shown are v much on brand.

Fanfic trope meme

I was tagged by the delightful @capnstars​ and @crownofstardustandbone​

slowburn or love at first sight // fake dating or !!!secret dating!!! // enemies to lovers or best friends to lovers // oh no there’s only one bed or long-distance correspondence // hurt/comfort or amnesia // fantasy au or modern au // mutual pining or domestic bliss // smut AND fluff // canon-compliant or fix-it  // reincarnation or character death // one-shot or multi-chapter // kid fic or road trip fic // arranged marriage or accidental marriage // high school romance or !!!!middle-aged romance!!! // time travel or isolated together // neighbours or roommates  // sci-fi or magic au // body swap or genderbend  // angst or crack // apocalyptic or mundane

Look guys, I’m boring. I like domestic 30-40 year olds in secret relationships. We knew this.

And now buckle the fuck down folks because I'm about to answer 50 questions about me no one is gonna stick around and read.

tagged by @bardingbeedle​ the only person who would put up with reading this much about me.

What is the colour of your hairbrush?

I have a buzz cut, I don't have a hair brush anymore.

Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Too warm. I have been warmer than most people my whole life, and I often need to sleep with a fan on.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Working on a sketch for an MTH fill (update from the end of this: I have spent an hour doing this fuckin thing)

What is your favourite candy bar?

Bounty. My favourite candy is Reese’s Pieces but I like a bounty. Or like, and chocolate without fruit in it tbh.

Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Yes, one of my parents referees Championship Football here in the UK. I have been to a few of his games. I also went to the London 2012 Paralympic closing ceremony, if that counts.

What is the last thing you said out loud?

‘Oh, this will last me a few days’ I was talking to my mother about 1/2 a can of pringles, I was lying.

What is your favourite ice cream?

Vanilla. I am boring. But the best ice cream i’ve had was a cream/milk flavoured gelato in Florence, that shit slapped. I also like cheap strawberry ice cream when no one is trying to put strawberry bits in it.

What was the last thing you had to drink?

Dinner. A spinach, banana, summer fruits and coconut yoghurt smoothie (with extra raspberries). Its my nightly dinner to cheat more veg into my body.

Do you like your wallet?

Very much. It’s about 7-8 years old, it is faded to hell but it has spiderman and a pony ride stony pin

What was the last thing you ate?

See above smoothie comment, but if that doesn't count, a sugar free mint polo.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

Nope. I don't buy as many clothes as I want to, bc mens clothes in larger sizes are hard to find or expensive here.

The last sporting event you watched?

F1, I don't keep up but I watch a little with my dad every now and then.

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

BUTTER. They don't really have it here, and I don't go to movies much when in the states. But @festiveferret​ introduced me to it when we saw Ant-man and the Wasp, and much like poutine and Tim Hortons, I still crave it.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

My dad. 

Ever go camping?

Yes, I was a Scout. I have done enough camping to not want to do more, it was fun when I wasn't organising it.

Do you take vitamins?

Yes, but not as often as I should, and as much as my mother bothers me too.

Do you go to church every Sunday?

Nope, not even when I considered myself christian. I go only go to church for other peoples events, and I’m an agnostic now.

Do you have a tan?

I cannot tan. I just can't, I burn lobster red in 5 minutes outside without literal sun cream for BABIES

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese food, It was easily what taught me to like more foods also, I don't eat tomato so I can't have most pizza. I love a good garlic base/bechamel, but you can't really get that here easily (yes yes I could make my own but that ruins half the point of pizza)

Do you drink your soda with a straw?

I don't drink carbonated drinks, because its like drinking pain. The fuck is wrong with all of you.

What colour socks do you usually wear?

Various colours, but I consider red on the left, blue on the right, my lucky socks. No I don't know why, but I take all exams and interviews wearing them. It’s just a thing.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I don't drive, but if I did, No. Theres a lot of questionable laws out there but Traffic laws aren't one of them.

What terrifies you?

Pfft, most things from spiders to rollercoasters. But more seriously, Being shouted at. Shout at me and I start hyperventilating, its a thing. Also not knowing if someone is mad at me. I’m not good at reading people,

Look to your left, what do you see?

The wallet shown earlier, and the sugar free polos mentioned after that.

What chore do you hate?

Vacuuming. It makes everything in my body hurt. I would rather clean toilets.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

@s-hylor​

What’s your favourite soda?

See above. I do not like your pain liquid. Apple juice for life.

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?

Either delivery or kiosk, I don't like talking to people where possible, I often need tweaks I don't want to have to remember to repeat.

Who’s the last person you talked to?

@downeyhills​

Favourite cut of beef?

I don't generally eat beef, lamb, or most red meats. I love crispy chilly beef, but as anyone can point out its bc your generally don't feel the texture of the beef.

Last song you listened to?

Everybody Wants to Rule the World | Tears for Fears | Pomplamoose

I’m on a Pomplamoose kick, and I also just love this song anyway.

Last book you read?

Understanding Comics (The invisible Art) - Scott McCloud

Favourite day of the week?

Friday nights. The weekend is ahead and @loraneldin​ and I take to wrangling our beloved usual suspects through another week of Ults Book Club.

Can you say the alphabet backwards?

I can barely say it forwards.

How do you like your coffee?

With milk and sugar, or ultimately, in a Caramel Frappuccino bc I'm a bitch like that.

Favourite pair of shoes?

I have walking boots that don't make my flat ass feet feel like they’re dying. OR my black and green crocs (Fight me, they’re useful).

The time you normally go to sleep?

9-10 is what I'm working on, but I fluctuate depending on if I'm working on something or not.

The time you normally get up?

5-6 If I have a choice in the matter, but often 7-8 if I didn't get to bed at the right time. I’m more about getting the right hours in for my diet than time specifically.

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?

Sunset is the prettiest, but I like to be awake to see the sun rise.

How many blankets on your bed?

One big thick comforter, because that's the uk standard, and I get too hot otherwise.

Describe your kitchen plates

Two types, big wide white ones with a navy blue rim. They are so large I never use them, and little Navy saucer plates I use a lot.

Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

I don't drink, so no. I drink apple juice or Shirley temples when I'm in pubs/bars

Do you play cards?

Sometimes, I like to teach people to play Old Maid. It’s the monopoly of card games.

What colour is your car?

Again, I do not drive. 

Can you change a tire?

I am aware I just said I don't have a car, but I do know how to change a tire. Everyone should go learn its pretty simple.

Favourite job you’ve ever had?

I have only had one job really and two job experience jobs. I did experience in a school library for a week and that was v fun and chill. I did all the jobs they had prepared for me in 2 days so I alphabetically reorganised their fiction section for the rest of the week. I LIKE ORDERING.

How did you get your biggest scar?

I no longer have a gallbladder, so I have 3 scars across my torso from that, the biggest right in the middle of my ribs. Non surgical wise I have matching scars on my knees from ripping holes in them when tripping. I have weak ankles and also I got both of those at different times.

What did you do today that made someone else happy?

I gave my spare animal crossing Iguanodon skull to a wicked artist I follow on twitter so he could complete his dino park. 

[be-ca-lm]

pls ignore just gotta get thoughts out of my brain

tw rape and sexual assault ok so i think it started very young when i couldn’t understand why the hell boys and men seemed more important to god and that god was always presented male - i was very young, like elementary aged when i reasoned: he made us in his own image, in order to create female he has to BE equally female, he has to have female image. i was told no no that is wrong and bad and heresy.

then i ALWAYS chafed at the idea of women being helpmeets to men, created as servants to them, their sole reason for existing being in service to better, stronger, smarter males (who cause all the problems like wtf) and that doesn’t seem right or just. the garden was perfect the world god created was perfect so why create anything as lesser than? do you hate women? but men came first - then woman to help, woman as decoration, as slave, as child bearer, as comforter, as mother, as scapegoat. woman as weaker. she fell for temptation in the garden, where was adam? See? Women are stupid, need protecting, incapable of rational thought, logic, reason. look how gullible. look how dangerous to be left unsupervised. all of humanity condemned to fiery torment because of woman. no responsibility of man. hate woman, blame woman, hurt woman, you have every justification to do so. she is trapped, hobbled, shackled, tied to you for her protection, existence, safety. she is prize, she is bounty, she is spoils of war. daughters are property. a woman who does not produce children is worthless, sons are currency for power, social capital, strength. daughters serve you. woman is there as punching bag, as masturbatory relief, as house slave, as decoration, worthless but worth stealing, dirty but rapeable, stupid but cunning, pure but deceptive, ruined but redeemable through birthing. a portal, a tool, woman as commodity, woman as vehicle of corruption and vehicle of salvation, simultaneously and never, all at once and at the same time, wretched and woman. not equal to, but a compliment. a complement. you are no equal to god’s masterpiece, the man. do not kid yourself.

god’s grand plan! look at his design. how perfect. how freeing. how it was meant to be. he created woman who would ruin it, but he is not to blame, it is his creation’s fault, but not the man who he likes better, no not his fault. she is saved through childbirth? she is worthy as ALWAYS depending on her proximity to a MAN to a husband father brother rapist captor buyer slaver son stoner judge jury executioner savior.

so why? why condemn me to this torturous existence, why give me the capacity to KNOW that I am intended to be Less Than, that I am the Weaker Vessel, that I am Not A Man but give me no comfort in that, no recourse, no ability to appeal this existence. Make me a man! I could do so much more for you! I could do your pillaging and raping, I could do your genocide, I could carry out your orders, sacrifice my children, I could spread your Gospel and praise your name, I could earn my place in your heaven by your side because you commanded that I Love You, I could invade your earth, slaughter your animals, impregnate your weaker washy women and fulfill your great commission, i could be the mulitiplier, the glorifier, the pastor preacher whitewasher brainwasher tombfiller father soldier conqueror profiteer leader ruler dictator sin hater. PICK ME CHOOSE ME all I wanted was to be LOVED by you to be told WELL DONE MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT am i not enough for you and since i so clearly am not, why did you create me this way. 

find peace in your role. you have purpose. then why does that not feel natural as young as five years old? at 10? at 14? at 18? at 27? at 33? jesus knows your sorrows he knows you- JESUS CANNOT RELATE TO ME. he was born a man. he was not asked to make himself small. he submitted to dying. no one asked me if i wanted to volunteer. could i come back a man? I do not want to be a man. I want to be a woman in an existence where that is not automatically a Bad Thing, automatically a disadvantage. I am born guilty of the fall of humanity on my shoulders and told my shoulders can never be strong enough to carry that weight. a man will save me. be submissive. men are leaders, you are not naturally a leader. 

men are logical. they can compartmentalize. women are emotional. they cannot compartmentalize, they are ruled by their emotions. men are waffles. women are spaghetti. men are from mars. women are from venus. pop psychology will explain why men are Better. they are better at math, geometry, women cannot visualize things in their brains like that. women are not good engineers. women are soft and kind and nurturing. THIS IS WHAT WAS TOLD TO MY FACE AS A CHILD. i nodded. ok this must be so, i do not see it, it is not true for me, it is not true of any of the women i know, but my dad is saying this IT MUST BE TRUE. how does he know how my brain is wired? 

an escape. i learned about biblical singleness. i do not have to marry, i do not have to trade one household bondage for another, one male protector for a new one. i have an option? I can be single, nay, a single MISSIONARY. i can escape america, the bible belt, i can really and truly help people. i can share my burdens with them so i do not have to carry them alone. it will please god. it will make up for my being born a useless woman. if i do not marry, i do not have to submit to a man. i can be free. i can find some type of comfort in this lifetime.

somewhere along the way, i put aside my ever-growing frustrations toward the treatment of women and the hypocrisy. husbands lead the wife, they are the Head of the Household. I never saw that enacted. Pastor’s wives planned events, spoke at bible studies, sat on committees - it was limited to women only events, yes, but they led? they spoke? they taught and preached and sang and witnessed? the cognitive dissonance was too much. they budgeted, they shopped, they wore clothes i wasn’t allowed to, they were showy. but not allowed to speak in church, not allowed to preach, to pastor, to shepherd. they could mentor. Oh! Perfect. call it a different name and then you can do it. You’re not a pastor, a mentor. Not a preacher, a Bible teacher. The pastor husbands walked around domineering their families and making all the decisions? No - their families would have imploded. They preached submission but in function they were a team. everyone’s parents were. so i guess we can get away with it, and that makes it ok. label it differently and suddenly the bible has nothing to say on that particular matter. they are playing theological gymnastics, but if they can, i can too. i can sleep at night now, i do not have to be angry at god. i can ignore it.

A thought. I believe it grew in the garden of my own mind, but it’s possible a wayward seed blew in from elsewhere but I don’t remember. I was all-in, I silenced my doubts, I screwed my courage to the sticking place, I said yes I believe this, yes I am a dirty sinner, yes I do not deserve grace or mercy or forgiveness, yes I believe that god can give me that anyway in return for my life, my love, my thoughts, my actions, my deeds, my affiliations, my comfort, my pride, my complete and total surrender of my Self, my personality, my person, my autonomy, my desires, my entire existence. I was fervent. I learned the most, I delved in deep, it was theology, soteriology, epistemology, apologetics, baptisms and trinities and divine mysteries. i knew nothing of secular science, i learned nothing of sex. I knew dead men - Calvin, Luther, Arminius, Aquinas, Origen, Augustine, Spurgeon, Bonhoeffer, Wycliff, Niemoller, Lewis, Piper, Paul, James, I knew creeds, doctrines, catechisms, doxology, councils, heresies. 

And I thought. I am all in. I accept all this. I evoke the proper response in myself when I learn these things. If I were born in any other time, any other place, into any other religion - I would accept those things just as eagerly and honestly. Would I not? How could I not? I earned the praise of adults, the admiration of youth group peers, I could exercise my intellect in a way not too offensive for a female to do, because it was always good to learn the bible, right? I was special, smart, serious. A student of the bible, i committed HUNDREDS of verses to memory, i competed in competitions that tested my knowledge of scripture against my peers, I was dominant. It nagged at me. I would have been the best anything, the best Muslim, the best Mormon, the best Hindu, the best Orthodox Jew (especially Orthodox Jew - there are so many RULES and ways to do it BETTER), I was completely lost in the swirl of religiosity that was my life. I did Christian ballet, Christian theater, watched Christian entertainment, listened to Christian music, went to Christian summer camp, had Christian friends, was in a Christian home school group, read Christian books, did Christian mission trips, and eventually chose to go to a Christian college. Not to brag, to sound so insanely arrogant - any religion would be happy to have me. I would give your cult a great name. I’ve got the resume and CV to join any believing army, just give me my marching orders. I swallowed my Self in the belly of the whale of god. My whole life and personality were these things and activities.

then - purity culture hit. and it brought back all the female trauma. the trauma of existing as a woman who THINKS in the subculture of christianity insanity.

[keichanz]

Resolution

A bonus Spooktober chapter, following a few days after the events of Possession.

Inuyasha was sitting at his desk, trying quite unsuccessfully to get some work done with his mind so preoccupied with a certain silver-haired teenage daughter of his, when he heard the side door slam shut and footsteps stomping across the house toward his office. He froze and tensed in his chair just as her familiar scent, tinged with the bitterness of anger, drifted into the room and he turned his head just as the girl in question arrived at his door.

Standing in the doorway to his office, body stiff, fists clenched, and face screwed up into a fierce scowl, Izayoi silently glared at her father. Her little chest was heaving and she was practically trembling with the intensity of her emotions, ears pinned against her head and teeth clenched tightly.

Inuyasha regarded her mutely for a few seconds more before wordlessly saving his work on the computer, removing his reading glasses, and setting them on the desk before swiveling in his chair to face her fully. Leaning forward he propped his elbows on his knees and gave her his undivided attention, patiently waiting for her to begin.

He didn’t have to wait long.

“I didn’t want to come home after school,” she started in a soft hiss. “I wanted to go to the store with Rai like we originally planned, because I’m still mad at you, and maybe even have a little bit of fun so I wouldn’t be having such a crappy birthday, but do you know who convinced me to come home instead?”

Inuyasha tightened his jaw and forced himself to remain silent, knowing his daughter needed this.

“Raiden did,” she supplied and her father’s eyes rounded slightly in surprise. “Yes. That Raiden. And do you know why? Because he didn’t want my relationship with my dad to suffer just because said dad is a big jerkface, because that’s the type of person Rai is!”

Her dad flinched and still said nothing.

“I like this boy, Dad,” Izayoi continued fiercely and hated the way her voice caught in her throat. Her eyes burned with the threat of tears but she continued, determined to say this now that she’d started.

“A lot, and by some miracle I think he likes me back, and you humiliated me in front of him and I was terrified he was never gonna talk to me again, but he did because he’s a good person.”

Izayoi couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and they streamed down her face, blurring her vision, but she forged on, roughly dashing a hand cross her eyes. She knew her dad hated it when she cried, but right now she couldn’t find the strength to care, and it wasn’t like she could help it anyway. She’d been teetering on the edge all day, her emotions throughout the day having been so strung tight and frayed it was amazing she’d held out as long as she had. It felt good to release some of the pressure that had built up and so she continued, her words heated, her voice passionate.

“He genuinely cares about me and he feels guilty about what happened Friday even though he’s not even in the wrong here. Raiden is nothing like Daisuke, and in fact he saved me from Dai today, but that’s not the point.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath and once more fixed him with a stern look. “I am thirteen years old now, Dad. You can’t protect me forever and I don’t want you to.”

Her father winced but she forced herself to go on, her tears running unchecked and her breathing becoming a little uneven. It was getting harder to push words out, but she couldn’t stop now despite the sudden, savage urge to throw herself into her father’s arms and let him take away the pain like he used to when she was little.

“I’m not that little girl anymore,” she rasped and try as she might she could not hold back the sob that erupted for her throat. “I know you just want to keep me from getting hurt, but you have to realize that you can’t—you can’t shelter me from everything and—and I just—it’s not f-fair and I want—”

Strong arms suddenly wrapped around her shaking frame and with a sob Izayoi collapsed into her father’s arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and weeping into his shoulder as he gathered her close to him and held her as she cried. She clung to his shirt as he rubbed her back and murmured gently to her, nuzzling her head and allowing this desperately needed relief.

“I’m still m-mad at you-u-u,” Izayoi managed through her sobs, taking deep breaths to try and calm herself down. It wasn’t really working.

“I know,” Inuyasha replied with a hint of a smile, closing his eyes and tightening his arms around her. “You can be mad at me all you want. Your big jerkface of a dad deserves it.”

Izayoi made a sound that might have been a choked laugh but he couldn’t be sure so he just continued to hold her, rocking her gently in his arms, rubbing her back and growling soothingly in an attempt to help calm her down. She hadn’t let him come near her the entire weekend, and he relished having his little girl in his arms again, her scent in his nose, infinitely glad that she was finally giving him a chance to atone for his stupidity. He knew it stemmed from the fear of her growing up too fast. She was suddenly liking boys, and having a social life, and Inuyasha realized that as much as he wanted time to slow down, he knew he couldn’t and he had to come to terms with the fact that his little girl wasn’t so little anymore. Hell, she nearly reached Kagome’s shoulders; a few more years and she’d be taller than her, Inuyasha was sure.

With a shaky sigh, Izayoi moved to pull away and Inuyasha reluctantly loosened his grip, but didn’t remove his arms from her. He knelt there as she pulled herself together, wiping at her eyes, sniffling and regulating her breathing as he contented himself with rubbing a downy ear, waiting patiently.

She dropped her hands and blinked bright amber eyes at her father before offering a tentative, trembling smile. Inuyasha quirked a grin back and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. Both of their ears flicked when the ring of the doorbell suddenly echoed throughout the house, but it went ignored.

“I’m sorry,” he said and then added with a sigh, “And you’re right. I know you’re not a little girl anymore, Iz, but you’ll always be my little girl, whether you like it or not, so I’ll offer you a deal. You do your old man a solid and try to be patient while I try and deal with you growing up faster than I can keep up with, and I’ll do my best to give you your space and understand that there are some things I can’t control. I’m sure it won’t be easy, but if it’ll avoid shitstorms like this in the future, I’m willing to try.”

Inuyasha aimed another crooked grin at her and nuzzled his nose with hers. “So whaddaya say? Yay or nay?”

He was finally grace with one of her beautiful smiles she got from her mother and nodded, eyes identical to his own brightening and showing more than a little bit of relief.

“Okay,” she breathed. “Deal. I love you, Daddy.” Izayoi pulled him in for another hug, her arms going around his neck and Inuyasha felt his chest tighten as he returned the embrace.

Ridiculously he felt his eyes grow hot as he rasped, “Love you too, babygirl,” and kissed her cheek.

“Inuyasha?” Kagome appeared in the doorway and smiled down at her husband and daughter. “There’s someone here to see you.”

Inuyasha sighed and reluctantly pulled away, dropping another kiss to his daughter’s head before standing up and going to see who was at the door. Izayoi sniffled and rubbed at her cheeks, accepting her mother’s hug when Kagome wrapped her up in her arms.

He’d already caught the familiar scent drifting down the hallway so when Inuyasha reached the foyer he wasn’t surprised to find their visitor standing there before the doorway, hands in his pockets and looking a little uncomfortable. To his credit, however, he didn’t look away from the half-demon’s gaze as he stopped a little ways before him, arms crossed and his posture lacking any of the hostility he’d had from their last meeting.

He heard footsteps approaching behind him then Izayoi’s soft gasp as she realized who it was but he didn’t glance at her and kept his expression a neutral mask of indifference. He had a feeling he knew what this was about, and he had to admit, he liked the kid’s tenacity.

Trying not to fidget where he stood, Raiden spared a brief glance Izayoi’s way to toss her a quick reassuring grin before turning his attention to the taller figure beside her. He cleared his throat, gathered his nerve, and sucked in a deep breath before starting what he came here to do.

“Mr. Taisho,” he began politely and bowed to both him and Izayoi’s mother who stood just behind her husband with a friendly smile. “Mrs. Taisho. I’m, uh, I’m sorry for coming unexpectedly, but I wanted to clear the air a little because of how things went on Friday. If that’s okay.”

Izayoi smiled while her father nodded his head to continue.

“Look,” Raiden began a little awkwardly, grimacing as he rubbed the back of his neck and dropped his gaze. “I just wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have assumed that your daughter was free to go out with a complete stranger that you’d never before, and I should have asked first if it was alright if I can spend time with her. Izayoi told me what happened between you guys and I just—I feel bad.”

Actually he’d heard it from Rin, who was the school’s biggest gossip and also cousin to the girl he was interested in, but he doubted it was a good idea to mention their family drama is being broadcasted all over school by his niece. Judging by Izayoi’s grateful look, he’d made the right call.

Giving up on remaining stoic – he’d never been very good at hiding his emotions anyway – Inuyasha sighed heavily and then grimaced. He caught Kagome’s gaze, who shrugged and then nodded, and the half-demon grumbled slightly before turning back toward the boy.

“Actually,” he rumbled, frowning as he glanced at his daughter who had yet to take her gaze off of the younger dog demon. “She is.”

Raiden blinked and frowned a little. “She is...?”

He sighed again and reluctantly admitted, “She’s free to go out with who she wants without our permission. Iz has a good judge of character and I know she’s more than capable of taking care of herself. Just ask Daisuke,” he added in a mumble.

Raiden heard it anyway and perked up a little, the corners of his mouth twitching upward. “You mean how she broke his nose, right?” At Inuyasha’s surprised look, he shrugged. “I overheard her talking to him while he was harassing her at school today and she asked him if he wanted her to break it again. He certainly deserved it for being a dick,” he said bluntly, unapologetic.

While Izayoi groaned softly and covered her red face with her hands, Inuyasha was thinking that maybe this boy wasn’t so bad if he was of the same mind of that brat that he was. And hadn’t Iz said something about him saving her from Daisuke or something? So he’d stepped in when his girl was in trouble. So to took action and didn’t hesitate to protect her. Definitely admirable.

“Inuyasha,” Kagome said suddenly, drawing both of their attention as she stepped forward and put a hand on her husband’s shoulder with an encouraging smile. “Don’t you have something you need to say to Raiden, too?”

While Raiden looked confused and Izayoi was lookin back and forth between them, Inuyasha rolled his eyes and dragged a hand down his face, knowing his wife was right, but still not liking the thought of admitting he was wrong.

“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbled at Kagome’s gentle reminder and faced the boy standing before him. “Raiden, was it?” he asked, and the brat—er, kid nodded. “I’m sorry too. For, uh, acting like an asshole Friday and threatening you and shit.”

The boy nodded again and looked relieved. “It’s cool. You just wanna protect your daughter, right? I get that.” Then he smiled and said, “I wanna protect her, too.”

Kagome gasped and put a hand over her heart while Izayoi flushed deeply, infinitely pleased, and Inuyasha struggled to not pick his girl up and whisk her away.

So instead he grunted, looked down at the girl in question and asked resignedly, “You said something about going to the store.”

Izayoi blinked then her eyes widened and a small, hopeful smile curled her lips upward. She nodded and Inuyasha sighed—again—before looking at Raiden.

The kid met his gaze, unwavering, and satisfied, Inuyasha rumbled, “Have her back by seven. It’s still a school night even if I don’t wanna scare you off anymore.”

“Inuyasha,” Kagome chastised, nudging his ribs, and he grunted, unrepentant. It was true, dammit.

Raiden visibly brightened while Izayoi wasted no time in fetching her jacket and hurriedly shrugging it on.

“Yes, sir,” he answered and bowed respectfully.  “I promise to have her back not even a second later. Thank you, Mr. Taisho. For giving me a chance.”

Inuyasha pulled a face. “Don’t make me regret,” he grumbled called out as his daughter passed him on the way to the door, “Izayoi.”

She paused and looked over her shoulder, a mite impatiently, then sighed when he gestured her over to him. He waved to Kagome and she produced their daughter’s new phone out of nowhere – more likely she retrieved it from her backpack when no one was looking – and handed it over.

“For my piece of mind,” Inuyasha rumbled softly, “so I know you have a way to call me if something happens.”

Izayoi smiled in understanding and nodded, taking the device and sliding it into her back pocket. Then she surprised him by wrapping her arms around his waist and hugging him tight. Inuyasha glanced at the door, toward Raiden who was patiently waiting and politely looking away, and kneeled down to hug her back, kissing her cheek.

“Happy birthday, babygirl,” he whispered.

“Thank you, Daddy,” she whispered, pulling back to beam brightly at him and kiss his cheek. “You’re the best.”

He grinned at her. “I try.”

Giggling, Izayoi bid her mother bye as well before hurrying over to Raiden, who smiled at her before looking over toward he parents and giving them a nod and small wave. Then they were walking down the steps, toward the sidewalk, and then Inuyasha’s view of them disappeared when Kagome closed the door.

Inuyasha groaned and dragged a hand down his face, suddenly feeling exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to go collapse on the couch and maybe take a nap but a gentle tug on his pants prompted him to look down to find his son staring up at him with big amber eyes, undoubtedly wondering where his sister was and what had just happened.

With a little smile Inuyasha lifted him up into his arms. “Tai,” he said and poked his tummy with a finger, “if you ever put me through half the shit your sister does, I’m gonna beat you bloody.”

The young half-demon blinked and then giggled. “Okay.”

Inuyasha nodded, satisfied. “How about you and me go watch some cartoons and call it a day? Your old man needs a break from life.”

“Yeah!” Tai said with a grin, always excited to watch cartoons on the big screen TV.

“You pick. What are we watching?”

“Spiderman!” he crowed, throwing his hands up and Inuyasha grinned.

“Spiderman it is, then.”

Watching with an amused smile, Kagome piped up, “Is mom allowed to join or is this a boys only thing?”

She watched as her boys exchanged a speaking look and tried very hard not to laugh when Tai’s face screwed up in intense concentration. Then he nodded once, Inuyasha nodded back, and when they turned to her she hoped the amusement was gone from her face.

“You can join, Mama,” Tai told her. “You don’t have cooties.”

Inuyasha choked on his laugh while Kagome said dryly, “Oh, I see. Well that’s a relief.”

Grinning, Inuyasha lifted an arm and his smiling wife tucked herself against his side. Together the three of them wandered into the living room to watch an animated Spiderman kick evil butt although between Inuyasha and Kagome, they had more fun watching their son reenact his favorite scenes while yelling, “My Spidey senses are tingling!”

[freethemages]

I am more than happy to answer questions from the perspective of my OC Tristan Trevelyan!

Here are a collection of questions he has been asked in a wonderful server that I am a part of. It is extensive, so I am placing it under the cut. 

Is there anything you’d like to know from his point of view? Get to know him a little better! 

Here is a link to an introduction post, and you can find more info, and asks pertaining to him under #tristan trevelyan on my blog.

Okay here goes! I hope you enjoy!

Q: How did you and Cullen fall in love?

It was very slow. [chuckles] Cullen wasn’t exactly aware of his... taste for men, at the time. I think the first time either of us realised there might be something, however begrudging, between us, was Satinalia of 9:41 Dragon.

Q: How did you celebrate your first Satinalia together?

Well, we weren’t ‘together’ really, but I think the Satinalia of 9:41 Dragon counts as the first time we celebrated it ‘with’ each other and everyone else in the Inquisition. We got each other gifts, as is customary. He got me some Crystal Grace bulbs. They are my favourite flower, though I don’t think he knew it at the time! I nearly kissed him that night. I was but a terrified baby nug, and so I lost my nerve.

Q: What is your favourite thing about Cullen?

That’s a tough question. I love every part of him. Even the bits others find tough. 

Most of all though, it’s the devotion I see in his eyes, and the passion that burns behind them in everything he does. Especially when his smile reaches his eyes. That didn’t happen a lot when we first met. It took him time to learn how to be a person and not just the Commander of the Inquisition.  When he looks at me with those honey eyes... I swear in those moments I would do, and be anything for him. Anything.

Q: Have you been with any other members of the Inquisition, in a romantic or sexual way?

I... rode the bull, so to speak. Strictly physical, you understand. 

There was also a dalliance with Dorian. We decided we worked best as friends, which was ideal as it was around that time that Cullen and I began to be a little more aware of our feelings for each other.

Q: How would you feel if a secret admirer often left gifts for you?

Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea. It’s a rather strange concept for me to have a secret admirer. 

Though Cullen does leave me little gifts on occasion, and I find that very sweet. 

I’ve had myriad proposals of sex, courtship, and even marriage since taking up the position of Inquisitor. One lady, who I am sure is totally sane, expressed her desire, nay, her need, to bear the child of the Herald of Andraste. I believe the precise words in her letter were “you simply must allow me the greatest honour of accepting your holy seed into my ready loins, the Maker himself wishes it!” It was... flattering, I suppose? Orlesians, right? [nervous chuckle] ahem. Anyway, that’s my experience with admirers, though none were secret so much as just complete strangers. Thankfully these things have become less common now that people know I am not ‘on the market’, and that people have had time to get over the spectacle of Corypheus’ defeat.

Q:  Had you ever been in love before you joined the Inquisition, or at least what you perceived as love? 

No, I had not. As much as a hopeless romantic as I am, I never had the pleasure of a romantic partner before Cullen. That’s not to say I didn’t dally. I dallied a lot, in fact. 

The closest I got to romance was my crush on a templar in the Ostwick Circle, I suppose. You can imagine how well that would have gone, indeed!

Q: How do you feel about paperwork and things relating to it? There's obviously a lot you have to do as the Inquisitor. 

Oh, I absolutely loathe paperwork! Indeed there is much of it to be done. I try to get out of it as much as I can, though as I am sure you suspect, I cannot get out of much at all. Luckily I only have to deal with reports of my own activities and correspondence made directly to me. The bulk is handled by my advisers. 

You wouldn’t believe the sheer size of the piles of papers scattered about my quarters since Cullen moved in. He doesn’t seem to mind too much though, he’s rather swift and organised, though it may look like a mess to me. He assures me there is method in the madness, and he’s given me no reason to disbelieve thus far. [chuckles] I will say though that no work is allowed during our down time (my rule), so it is not so overabundant.

Q: Do you have a secret talent or passion?

It’s not really a secret, though I don’t advertise it all that much either. I am rather skilled at knife throwing. The dummy in Cullen’s office has seen an uptake in attacks since we started having competitions. The winner gets to decide what happens that night, of course. Now I like to think I’m rather skilled in that department too, but you would have to ask the dear Commander. [chuckles] no, I’m joking, please don’t ask him that, maker’s breath!

Q: Are you religious? Do you have any superstitions or rituals that you practice?

I am not religious per se, though I’m rather agnostic on the whole Maker’s existence thing. I certainly don’t subscribe to the beliefs of the Andrastian Chantry. [he scoffs] Mother would have my head for saying that...They twist faith and use it to control the masses.

What I do believe, is that Andraste was an Avvar mage, and that she was possessed by a spirit -perhaps of faith- and that it was this which led her to begin her crusade. 

Make no mistake, the chant of light was written by mere men, and that we treat such words as irreproachable is the true hubris of man. 

I think what lies beyond the fade is a great deal more complicated than any absent father figure. I do not pretend to know what it is, or if anything is there at all, but I do not believe it is the Maker as we have come to revere him. 

I have found peace in relying upon my own intellectual study of magic and the fade. Spirits are real, and must be respected and acknowledged, for they can inflict a great deal of harm, or happiness. I cannot say the same for the Maker, so I feel no loss in the potential of his non-existence. 

I admit, I really must study Elven and Avvar beliefs in much greater depth before making comment on them.

Q: Do you have any disputes with Cullen? And if yes, how do you two handle the situation?

Oh yes, we definitely have disputes! [chuckles] my darling is a... straight forward man when it comes to addressing situations. I prefer a more nuanced method. And being a mage, that usually involves magic. Cullen has come a long way but he is still... a little wary of such casual use of magic. We argue far less about that than we used to, though. 

Truly, if he always had his way, I would be out of the fray and safe in Skyhold at all times. He knows I’m capable and trusts me of course, but I cannot blame him for his protectiveness. Truth be told I feel the same on the occasions he heads out, though I know he is perfectly capable of handling things.

We are both grown men, and are able to move past things rather quickly. I don’t think either of us could tolerate going any period of time staying angry at each other, or maker forbid, not talking. We trust each other implicitly, and so this works for us. Sometimes the more emotionally charged arguments are settled because passion overtakes us. I have to say, Cullen is always a very skilled lover, but those times... are something else entirely.

Q: What is your biggest weakness?

It’s hard to say. Like most people, I am full of flaws. It’s a part of being I suppose. 

I strive to see the good in all people, which has led me to trust the wrong ones. That’s probably a contender. 

Some have said I am too soft, that the complete absence of executions rent from my judgement displays a lack of strength and will to lead. I disagree. Perhaps that is a weakness, but it is not one I will apologise for. 

They may call me the Herald of Andraste, but I am just a man. Anybody could have been in my place. I do not intend to lose myself under such a hefty title, so full of expectations. I can’t. 

Oh, and I’m dreadful with a longsword. Cullen has tried many times to help me improve. [chuckles] I am just not a close combat warrior, like my dear Lion.

Q: Have you ever thought about having kids with Cullen?

I’d love to raise a child with my love one day. Though sadly we do not have the correct equipment to create a life ourselves. 

I intend to do some research on the uses of magic and conception. Perhaps we will yet have children that possess Cullen’s beautiful blond curls. That is the sweetest sight I could ever dream of.

Q: What did the nightmare demon say to you in the fade?

He told me that the weight of Thedas would crush me. That I, an insignificant human, could never hope to carry the anchor and live. 

He also told me that the Commander would always see my magic and sneer. That he could never really love me while I was the very thing he spent most of his life fighting. But our love is strong. Ex-Templar he may be, but he is also a smart, loving, and honest man. I trust him to the black city and beyond. 

The nightmare could have wielded nothing that would have made me falter, for these are all things I have told myself and yet carried on.

Q: How was your first kiss with Cullen?

Our first kiss? It was... interesting. We were having an argument, actually. He is very obstinate. He was having a particularly bad time with his lyrium withdrawals and was on the verge of giving in. I argued that he was strong enough to keep going, he argued that he was not, the silly man. 

Anyway, it got very heated. I was yelling about how much I looked up to him and how much he meant to me and... bam. His face was on my face. Passion unrivalled. He was scarlet in the face afterwards and apologised profusely. I simply pulled him back to me and kissed him again. 

Later on he confided that he had never kissed a man before. He had no idea he even liked men that way. I was only happy to show him just how much one man can love another. That’s also the same day I learned just how soft those blond curls are, when I stroked them as he fell asleep with his head in my lap.

Q: Describe a childhood memory?

Childhood memory? Hmm, let’s see... 

ooh okay, I have one. So I was about thirteen, and my friend Artemis and I were playing dares, because what else are you going to do in a cushy prison? Knowing I had recently been making good progress on my fire spells, he dared me to... ensure that the skirts of a certain prickly templar ‘caught alight’. 

Well I did it. Only the guy’s beard also caught fire. He’d been growing this beard for longer than I had been there, and boy was he furious. 

Artemis was a good friend and took the rap. He had not been there as long as I and they were more likely to believe he did it by mistake.  That templar never stood guard on the apprentice dorms while we were still in them, though! That got a cheer.

Q: Who teases the two of you (with love of course) about your relationship?

Oh maker, absolutely everybody. Even the recruits! They always find it amusing that the Commander has a soft side. Of course, it doesn’t bother me a jot. Cullen has less tolerance for it but he’s usually alright. 

Dorian, Sera, and Bull are some of the main culprits, which I’m sure surprises nobody. Leliana and Josephine are formidable teases in the war room, too. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Watching him blush and stammer is always a joy. And I always make sure to... soothe his blood flow when needed, of course. 

I’m certain Varric has written a romantic tale that is only half true, but I would also be willing to bet the Skyhold vault that whatever he writes, the truth is infinitely more fantastic.

Q: What is the best/most ideal way to spend time with Cullen?

I get on at him a lot to get his bloody roof fixed [chuckles] but actually some of my favourite little moments with him are lying in his chamber, looking up at the stars over the Frostbacks, in each other’s arms, with nothing between our souls but our skin. We can just be together, two men deeply in love. Not the Inquisitor and the Commander. 

We spend most nights in my chambers now, but sometimes we still like to ascend those ladders, when the weather is not too cold. I used to miss home terribly, even the damned Ostwick Circle. But now, home is wherever he is.

Q: The anchor threatening your own existence... How does it affect your relationship with Cullen? Do you believe it to be a long lasting one?

Maker, it doesn’t bear thinking about. I... admit I’m guilty of hiding the true extent of my pain from him. He has enough of his own worries and I know this would take a huge toll on him. The anchor grows more painful every day. It’s like an acid coming from my own veins. The pain has thus far reached my shoulders. I fear that I won’t be around for very much longer, and the idea of leaving him is too much to think about; it is not an option. I simply must fight it with all I have. I will not let my own fucking arm take him away from me. Wherever Solas is, I hope he returns with some answers. He... seems to know more about this magic than he let on.

Q: If you would wear a flower crown, which flowers would it be and why?

Crystal grace. Without a doubt. Perhaps with royal elfroot wrapped around the stem parts. 

It’s my favourite flower. I know someone who would also appreciate it... I wonder if I could get him to wear a matching one... hmm. We could even have them made here at Skyhold. An excellent wedding headpiece idea, actually…

[Cullen in the background: Absolutely not.]

... Spoil sport.

Q: How do you feel about blood magic?

I suppose the official answer my advisers would want me to give is that I condemn, abhor, and despise blood magic, blah blah blah. But that is not the case. Blood magic is just magic. Can it be used for ill? Of course! So can any other magic, and any other weapon for that matter. 

Like a great many things in life, within blood magic, consent matters. I am not so quick to condemn an entire school of magic based upon the actions of a terrible few. 

Honestly, the excuses for the prohibition of blood magic are just another case of stuff and nonsense fed to us by the Chantry to keep us under their thumb.

I do not personally use it, but I have no qualms about it beyond the fact that I developed my fighting style to conserve my health. 

Oh Maker, here comes Mother Giselle... I wasn’t here! [He hides behind the tall backed chair he was sitting on]

Q: How do you feel about being at sea?

I am.... less than enthused by the idea of being at sea. The journey over the Waking Sea was not a pleasant one. It was my first time, since I had spent most of my life in the Circle, and my family trips before my magic manifested were mostly in the Marches, and twice, Orlais, which was reachable by land. 

There is always the looming threat of being consumed by the untameable ocean, but mostly I just got really, really sea sick.

Q: Describe yourself in three words?

Hmm... magic, romantic, idealistic. 

What do you think, love?

[Cullen: chuckles I was going to suggest smart, strong, and very sexy... though that is four words. Hmm.]

[Tristan shakes his head with a fond smile, and a gentle laugh]

Q: What was your first impression of Cullen? 

Well, I must admit, when he approached us after I had closed the first breach, I was a little dazed. I couldn’t tell you whether it was from exhaustion or his visage. I did notice he was handsome. And briefly wondered where he got his lip scar. There wasn’t much time to dwell, however. 

When I spoke to him later after settling into Haven, that was when I was able to drink him in as it were. Much like myself, he gets flustered quite easily depending on certain subjects, which I found endearing. I tried very hard to not fall down that hole but... well, you can see I failed. And glad I am of it.

Q: What nickname did Varric give you? 

He calls me Twirly. Apparently I tend to add ‘unnecessary flourishes’ when casting with my staff. I do not know what he means, however. The flourishes are essential to looking good when casting, you see.

Q: how would you react to fanfiction or fan art of yourself? What about smutty fanfics/art?

Oh, there have been such things, believe me. [laughs] I find it entertaining, personally. Bonus points if it makes me blush. 

The Commander, on the other hand, gets very embarrassed about it, even when he is not involved. 

I suppose it comes with being painted as a ‘hero’. It’s interesting to see how far people’s imaginations can go. 

If I come across it, I will read it, be warned, prospective fanfic writers and artists! [he winks]

Q: If you and your LI could spend two weeks anywhere in Thedas on vacation, where would you go?

Hmm. There are a few possibilities. A break in Southreach might be nice, to visit Cullen’s family. Though two weeks with Branson’s child may be less than relaxing, I grant you! [chuckles] There is also Antiva City. I should love to go during the Satinalia season, but again, I doubt there would be much quiet relaxation going on, and my Lion does prefer places with a tad more… serenity. And privacy. I can get behind that, of course. So my final answer would probably be a nice secluded log cabin in the Frostbacks. Granted it is not far from where we are now, but for a lovely break all I would need is my love, a roaring fire, a nice book, and plenty of cozy blankets. Sighs It would be wonderful to just be Tristan again, and not Inquisitor Trevelyan, just for a while.

Q: Do you and Cullen have any pets? 

We don’t as of yet, but I hope we do have some in the near future. The cats that roam Skyhold are lovely, but I would love to have an animal that was just ours. Preferably a Mabari. I may not hail from Ferelden, but I consider it my home now. I like Fereldan culture. 

Q: Did you dance with Cullen at the Winter Palace? If so, how was it?

I did! Maker, the glares we got from all of his admirers. If we had danced in the main hall I dare say there would have been a riot! They all seemed to want my handsome man, and I cannot say I blame them.

I loved dancing with him. It was such a peaceful and happy moment after a long and tedious day. He is better at it that he gives himself credit for, too! I am barely any better than him, and I was raised attending balls and other such nonsense until the age of 11.

Q: What are your favourite foods? Least favourite foods?

Three words: Frilly. Little. Cakes. 

I love them. I also love a good traditional Fereldan stew. Many Marchers will claim that their food is superior, but don’t listen. Nothing is heartier than what I’ve had since being here. I think I might have been adopted over from Ferelden as a boy, haha!

Least favourite foods… hmm… I was once cajoled into tasting Anders ham as a boy, and believe me, they are not exaggerating when they say it tastes of despair. 

Q: How did you feel when you learned how the anchor worked?

When Solas held my hand up to that first rift, I was more than a little bit disturbed. It felt odd. As if the rift was pulling from my hand and feeding from my own mana. And just like that, I could bend it to my will. It was… strange. I am used to it now, but I definitely had nightmares in the beginning. I’ve never felt so intrinsically linked to something so dangerous. Learning to wield the anchor was no small task, either, believe me.

Q:Who are you closest to, other than Cullen?

I would say I am closest to Dorian and Josephine. 

Dorian and I had a bit of a fling, but we found we worked best as friends, if flirtatious ones. I trust him with my life and I hope he can say the same of me. He’s a good man. I admire him. 

Josephine is just a very lovely lady, and surprisingly fun when she lets her hair down. I also trust her with my life. She is an excellent source of gossip as well, so it is nice to sit down with a cup of tea in her office for a couple of hours and just chat. In the war room, she joins me in teasing Cullen too, which is always fun; especially when I get to make it up to him later.

[joonietonin]

Open Heart Book 1 Finale Rant:

Let me start by saying that this will probably be one of my last analytical posts for a while. That makes me a little sad but I'm also very grateful to all of you who read my posts and motivated me to keep on writing. Truly, I had the time of my life writing the analyses. Now, this post was getting too long so I chopped it off I two parts- this one which is a general recap and my comment on the chapter and another one which I will be posting later today which will be purely about Ethan and MC's relationship. So y'all are looking at a LOT of content to read, I'm apologizing before hand! Okay no more sad talk except the evident fact that today was Open Heart Book 1 finale. Which means we'll have to live without Ethan Ramsey and the squad for quite some time. But focusing on the better things today:

The finale was everything! I felt a wave of emotions as I played it. I felt joy, triumph, anger, passion and hope all at the same time. Let's talk about what happened. (My MC is female, pronouns: she/her) So, Declan (or should I say Dick-lan) Nash had quite a few tricks up his sleeve huh, getting Dr. Cyrus and Dr. Wen to wager for him, lol, he really underestimated MC and the team of people backing her up.

I think it was a group effort when it comes to saving MC's career where MC of course deserves maximum of the credit because of all the patients who testified (Willow, Remy, Jake and Annie for me) on her behalf- if she hadn't gone above and beyond for her patients they wouldn't have given such honest and positive statements on her behalf. So props to MC, first! Then, props to the amazing friends MC has.. Sienna, Elijah, Rafael, Jackie, Bryce.. I mean those guys are basically her support system. Without them hyping her up and motivating her, her case would've fallen flat. Also, we can't forget Ines and Zaid, they're polar opposites and have weird ways of showing their love for MC but they've always been there for her. (even Zaid lmao ikr he's a total softie at heart) And most importantly, her friends always stood up for her. So here's to MC's friends!

Next up, to Ethan Ramsey (the light of MC's/my life) who really did not disappoint when he said he wasn't out of tricks. This man really went above and beyond to get hold of Mrs. Martinez's son and show him how happy his mother was before she passed away. Even if Ethan wasn't your LI and was just your mentor, he kind of singlehandedly saved MC from the potential lawsuit. It shows how much he cares about her, romantically or otherwise. He thinks MC is one of the best doctors he has ever seen and he did everything in his power to make sure, MC could be the doctor she has always wanted to be. That man cares for MC and even though he won't say it explicitly, his actions do much more than his words ever could. Therefore, Ethan Jonah Ramsey, the light of my life, here's to you. The man who cares for MC beyond all words. Even when MC herself has accepted that Ethan won't be able to help her out, Ethan kept pushing himself to find some loophole so that he could help her. And he did exactly that. That's why, I stan one (1) man.😌🥂

Next up, of course, is my moody baby yet smol bean Aurora Emery. She had her own way of standing up for MC. Like she said, "That wasn't for you, MC. That was for me." Maybe her intentions were to stand up for herself but doing so, in the process, she stood up for MC and finally knocked some sense into Harper Emery. I think her whole rant to Harper is one of the major reasons why Harper voted for MC to stay. So thanks, Aurora. Here's looking forward to actually being friends with her... or more. *wink*

Last but not the least, we have *drumrolls please* Dr. Naveen Banerji, who is now miraculously cured by MC's brilliant epiphany and Ethan's genius mind. I kinda expected Naveen to enter at the last moment but when he actually did, I swear I squealed like a five year old as if I hadn't been reading all the theories all week round about him walking in at the last moment. Anyways, I love that old man with my whole damn heart. He's literally like a father to MC like he's to Ethan. A grandmentor, if you will. And just like MC saved his life, he in turn saved MC's life=career. We've reached a full circle, my friends. So here's to you Naveen, nay the force be with you. (Y'all see what I did there? No? Okay, why do I try to be funny...)

So, basically Landry is gone. FOR GOOD. I'm glad PB didn't force a redemption arc on us. While I'm happy that Landry brought Naveen down, I don't think that one action forgives all the terrible things he has done. So bye bye dirty Laundry, here's hoping I never see you again. Also YAY! AURORA IS OUR NEW ROOMMATE. Not confirmed yet, but y'all know she'll say yes. Sienna has a crush on Danny- YAS OTP. But I do realise that we'll probably have to pay diamonds to set them up next book. Elijah and Phoebe going strong- YAS ANOTHER OTP. Jackie finally admitting defeat that MC would probably win the competition - HELL YAS, now that was a good redemption arc. Overall, I'm very happy how the things turned out for MC's friends.

Now, like I said at the starting of the post, I'll talk about Ethan and MC in detail in my next post but to sum it up, Ethan and MC had mind-blowing sex one last time before they had to face the reality of their situation. Now, I don't necessarily think they're back to square one because let's be real, you clearly care about the other person, you've had sex with them and you kiss them like there's no tomorrow, you can't really expect for nothing to happen even in a professional setting. Like, I do respect MC and Ethan's commitment to their job but then I think they can find some time for themselves.. you know.. for talking.. and dating.. and doing other things. Also, MC's friends finding out about her and Ethan- THAT SCENE WAS EVERYTHING I EVER HOPED FOR. Also, Naveen choosing MC for the position in the diagnostics team was already foreshadowed but I swear that man is the biggest Ethan×MC shipper. He's here for the angst, the mutual pining and he's sure as hell gonna enjoy how long these two struggle before finally giving in. Anyways, I won't lie but even though I'm a little sad that MC and Ethan aren't (officially) a couple, (we all know they've been married for over a year now) I think it will be nice to see the angst and this new phase of their relationship where MC directly works under Ethan and he gets to mentor her even more closely. It will be fun to see their mutual pining now that they've finally pulled the plug and had sex and kind of fallen in love with each other. The angst will be great and like I said earlier, along with Naveen it will be fun for us to see how long these two struggle before they finally give in and say,"Fuck work ethics. Adrian Raines knew better."

So, that's the end of this rant. The Ethan×MC post will be up soon. I want it to be special, like Ethan once said. And here's hoping they release book two soon although rationally speaking I don't see the book coming this summer. It'll probably release in fall. Guess we gotta wait, but some things are simply worth the wait. And I guess, we're all fighting the inevitable. *wink*

[downtonabbeyrevisited]

Series One - Episode Seven

One thing that seasoned Downton viewers will know is that either the plot moves so fast that you get whiplash moving from point to point and have to perform a fair amount of mental gymnastics to recall single lines that were (canonically speaking) made months and sometimes years ago, or it’s so slow that you think you’ve slipped into a coma and are having a strange dream about the coming of electricity. This instalment is a whopping 65 minutes long and  defiantly falls into the former category of episode. Don’t be fooled by the slow start of dusting chandeliers, every single plot point that King Julian has ever thought of is about to be covered in rapid succession whilst the July 1914 stamped ominously at the bottom of the screen indicates that the shit is about to get real. The main topic of conversation in Downton Village is apparently the murder of the Austrian Arch-duke. Who knew that rural Yorkshire with its still broadly illiterate population during this time period was so switched on to international relations? 

William’s mother has (predictably) died and Anna has made an armband which is utterly indistinguishable from his livery in her honour. Another soul unable to appreciate this is Mrs Patmore who is now so blind that it has been brought to the attention of those who dwell upstairs. Mrs Patmore is summoned to the library where she collapses into the nearest available chair after chewing off Robert’s ear and he arranges to send her up to London. I doubt this was quite the reaction he was expecting but there we go. In Beryl’s absence, Mrs Bird comes to hold the fort and test Daisy’s loyalties to provide a bit of light relief in what is, when you think about it, quite a grim episode. 

Despite being slow on the uptake, Daisy soon gets into the swing of launching the Downton scullery equivalent of chemical warfare whilst Mrs Bird makes disparaging comments about the kitchen and staff. But Daisy soon falls foul of a bit of bait and switch and only succeeds in almost giving Thomas’ colon a thorough clean out. 

Whilst Mrs Patmore sits in Moorfields reeling at the fact that cataracts can’t be removed by whatever the 1914 equivalent of homeopathy is, Anna is determined to get to the bottom of why Bates was in prison. Thomas and O’Brien’s written confirmation of Bates’ previous misdeeds have only served to light a fire under her and with a confidence to which I can only aspire, she marches into Greenwich. Or is it Chelsea? My knowledge of barracks isn’t what it used to be despite the fact that I am typing this a stones throw away from one now. My superiors are weeping somewhere. In true British Army fashion, a man with an impressive hat brings out a massive book which he never refers to for any information that he could not hold in his head. He then gives out Mrs Bates Senior’s address 104 years before GDPR kicks in. 

A meeting with Ma Bates confirms that it was Vera who stole the regimental silver rather than John but he took the fall, apparently feeling that he had ruined her life. However I can’t be the only person who is still a little unclear as to why he did go to prison for Vera as there doesn’t seem to be much evidence that he had ruined her life unless I’ve missed something, which is entirely possible. Anna returns to Downton and appeals to Robert to keep Bates on. Because he is a useful character for pivoting plot points around, Robert agrees, and our favourite self-sabotaging valet lives to survive another series. 

Considerably less eager to stay at Downton is Thomas who has a right old time of it this episode, roaring through all of his typical behaviours: smoking in archways, leaving tables with entire plates of food in-front of him to go and perch on a crate and plot with O’Brien, stealing from Carson in an inept manner, having at least two other characters discuss just how awful he is and finally take shots at William. Except this time, they aren’t snide remarks. These are actual shots involving pre-German sniper mangled fists. Having volunteered for the Army medical corps with Dr Clarkson, Thomas is riding high on his way out the door and makes inappropriate marks about a combination of dead mothers and babies. William takes him on and the two roll around a bit on a table then the floor. Carson calls for a halt but doesn’t actually intervene: its up to the Irish Radical to bring about peace. Some irony there one feels. 

But perhaps Carson’s inaction is connected to the emotional upheaval that of course comes with owning a telephone. I should know; mine has been on ‘Do Not Disturb’ for at least a year now. Presumably seeing the phone as an affront to his skills as a butler, there are a fair number amount of him looking perplexed at the new arrival. But with a bit of practice under his belt, he is ready to reluctantly shuffle into the twentieth century. Oh I do love him. 

The coming of the telephone is good news for Gwen through who manages to bag herself an interview out of its installation in the Abbey. However she neglects to say that she was a housemaid on her application form. The manager of the company scoffs at this upon learning she works at Downton “you thought that would put me off!”. Well yes, because less then twenty minutes ago you were bemoaning the fact that you couldn’t find any secretaries with experience which is what you needed. King Julian is now struggling to maintain continuity within an episode never mind between. Lord. 

After 18 years, and presumably a lot of hormonal shifting, Cora is pregnant. Robert sounds incredulous and frankly, we all are. Robert doesn’t understand what’s been done differently to bring about this major shift in plot, but Cora brings him to an abrupt halt before he can pick along any further down that particular line of enquiry and an entire nation, nay the world, exhales. However Foetus C’s appearance on the scene coincides with the departure of Simmons and through a convoluted chain of events, their fates are inextricably linked. O’Brein overhears that a new lady’s maid is required and immediately jumps head first into the wrong end of the stick. But to be fair to her, Violet and Cora seem to only talk about their quest when either Thomas or O’Brien are in earshot which is asking for trouble really. But that does not excuse O’Brien committing infanticide by proxy via the medium of Imperial Leather. With a bar of poor quality soap that breaks alarmingly easily and an off-screen yelp, it’s all over and another massive plot point that has a whole lifecycle within less than an episode. 

Although Foetus C didn’t hang around long, he made quite the impact and along with the influence of Aunt Rosamund manages to unsettle the romance that Matthew and Mary have been carefully cultivating since Episode One. St James Park provides a backdrop for Rosamund, following the tradition of all Aunts worldwide, to winkle out the truth about their nieces and nephew’s love lives. As they glide through London, and pass two men sat on a bench trying to divert the apocalypse, Rosamund plants the seeds of doubt that will eventually blossom into a full blown crisis in about thirty minutes time with the mere suggestion that Mary might have to live in a cottage. 

With the prospect of another male heir on the horizon, Matthew considers moving back to Manchester but not before he can have the first of two emotionally charged conversations under a tree. Matthew witters on about ‘prospects’ whilst Mary looks increasingly desperate. That tree and the accompanying bench have seen an awful lot of drama: people have sobbed under it, plotted beside it and stared artfully into the middle distance beneath its shadow and its only series one. 

But even when it’s clear that Matthew’s inheritance is not in danger, he returns to the tree with Mary to assert the fact that he is leaving Downton for reasons that I can’t entirely fathom but are mainly based around the fact that he doesn’t want to be socially engineered and that he can’t be sure of anything. Wearing the world’s most pointless gloves, Mary covers her face and weeps in what is fast becoming a signature move. The ‘tree’ scenes between her and Matthew have been a real chance for both actors to get their teeth into a bit of decent uninterrupted dialogue. I have loved Michelle Dockery since she stole my twelve year old heart as Susan in Hogfather and she has not failed me yet. 

Carson comes to comforts Mary under the ’tree of emotional conflict’ and in one shot we have captured the charm of Downton. Ahh. Now, back onto the nonsense. 

The garden party is suddenly upon us and with it, the tying up of as many loose ends as possible just incase the series isn’t renewed. Hold onto your hats folks! Mrs Patmore returns in a cracking pair of sunglasses, Clarkson gives Thomas his papers who then promptly resigns, William and Daisy reconcile, Mrs Hughes warns Branson off Sybil whilst Sir Anthony pegs it out of Downton before Edith is allowed any measure of happiness, O’Brein attends to Cora’s every need and then learns that she was never in the firing line anyway, Branson plucks up the courage to answer a telephone, Gwen gets the job and proceeds to hug Branson and Sybil hug in a manner that you would think would be enough to cause a scandal, we learn of Ma Bates’ approval of Anna but Bates is still a stubborn idiot , Mr Moseley wants to crack on with Anna and if you squint a bit Downton Abbey briefly looks like The Villa. Oh and WW1 breaks out.  

Romantic declaration of the moment 

“I’d say he’s keen. Very keen indeed” Well then TeLl HeR JohN! Anna and Bates must be up there for slow-burn romance of the millennia and for my money is a better love story than Mary and Matthew but that could just be my gritty scots and northern heritage rooting for the little guy. 

Expressive eyebrow of the week 

Robert won last episode but nevertheless his face during the menopause chat with the accompanying “please” wins this one. THIS is why Fleabag Season 2 Episode 3 had to happen. 

Wait, what? 

“Is there anything worse than losing one’s maid” Erm…maybe the oncoming death of 17 million people with 11.5% of the British Army told by the upper echelons of society to walk slowly towards the guns? 

“Oy” is Mrs Patmore Jewish? 

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to sit in your presence my lord” That is a surprising amount of respect from someone who only two episodes fed him a chicken that had both been on the floor and nibbled by a cat…. 

“Try not to miss me, it will be good practice” Bates is a lovely man but ultimately he is a masochistic twat. 

“First electricity, now telephones. Sometimes I feel as if I were living in a H.G. Wells novel” Julian really does reserve his best for Maggie. 

“I’m not much good at building my life on shifting sands”  Calm down, Matthew. 

“He had a right to know how his countryman died, in the arms of a slut” Calm down, Edith. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #279

“she could kill you with a wink of her eye.”

Have you ever met a guy for coffee? No, I don’t like coffee. Do you feed your leftovers to your dogs? I don’t currently have any dogs, but when I did, it was very rare and (almost) only if he wasn’t begging for it. The only exception was chicken nuggets; Teddy loved him some chicken nuggets, holy shit. That and peanut butter he would always get so excited about. What tricks does your pet do? Neither my cat nor obviously my snake know any tricks. Do you believe in psychics? No. When you hear the name “Ginger” what do you think of? Jason’s fatass beagle. I wonder how she is a lot, she was a darling. What is the worst damage that your car has seen? N/A What was the last thing that annoyed you? Probably my chronic boredom. :’) How would your parents react if you got pregnant (or got someone pregnant)? Both would be extremely confused seeing as I’m not with a guy and absolutely do not want kids. Have you ever had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend’s mom or dad? Nope. Are you afraid of frogs? No, they’re Good. How would you react if a complete stranger complimented you? It depends on the compliment and how it’s delivered. If you sound genuine and it’s not creepy, it’s honestly really flattering and sweet, though I get really shy. Who was the last person to make you cry? Myself, technically, thinking too much about he who I shouldn’t, y’know. Do you have Facebook? I do. How would you react if you found out your crush had a terminal disease? God, I don’t want to think about this. I’d be absolutely crushed. Do you eat applesauce? I don’t go out of my way to get some, but sure, I like applesauce. What was the last pill you took for? It was one of my mood stabilizers. Are you in the hospital a lot? No, thankfully. What is your dentist’s first name, if you know it? I have no clue. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? Yes. Does your mother have any sisters? One. Do you read poetry/make it? I don’t really read it anymore, but once in five blue moons I’ll write one if I’m really inspired. Have you ever had braces? Yes, for way too long because we couldn’t afford to take them off. I think it’s why one of my bottom front teeth is angled back a bit. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced and I live(d) with my mom. Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but went somewhere else? To Mom, yes. My sisters and I were going to visit Dad and it was just easier back then to make something else up. Are you afraid of lifts? Elevators? Yes. Not terribly, but I’m not a fan. Who did you last talk to in person? Is that person attractive? My “other mom” Tobey; she brought me some groceries while Mom’s away. She’s Mom’s age though so no, I’m not attracted to her. She’s like family. Have you ever had a deep, personal conversation with a stranger? I mean, isn’t that therapy at first? lmao Let’s talk about the person you had your first kiss with. Do you still talk to that person? If so, do you still like them? Would you kiss them again? No; no, I like his memory; I fucking hope not. How many times have you cried over the person you love/like? A couple times. When was the last time you wanted to cry, but didn’t, because you didn’t want to show that you were upset? Why? I’m really not sure. What are three things that are guaranteed to make you smile, or put you in a good mood? Going on a car ride with me in shotgun to blare my music; seeing Mark laugh oh my FUCKING god; and seeing meerkats being cute. What is something in your life that you feel hopeful about right now? Nothing. What was the last thing you worried about that turned out better than expected? My first teletherapy appointment. What is a meal you eat extremely often? Or do your meals & food choices vary a lot? Chicken of some sort is very, very common. What was the last thing you changed your mind about? Ummm… good question. I know I have done this recently, I just can’t remember it… Who tends to show up in your dreams? Do you ever wonder if you appear in anyone else’s dreams? Jason is practically a staple. Mom is there a lot. And sure, doesn’t everyone? Instead of flat earth, what do you think of the simulated earth theory, that we’re basically all just a giant computer program or virtual reality? I think it’s possible, there really is some convincing evidence, but I lean more towards not believing it. What worries you most about your future? What the fuck I’m doing with my life. What is something you do to feel better when you’re scared? Deep breathing. Who do you feel you can count on the most in life? Is there anyone you wish you could count on more? Mom, and sure. When was the last time you shared a secret with someone, and how did they react? I’m not sure. Are you more likely to give advice or to ask for it? Give. What is the strangest book you have ever read? How did you find out about it? OH MY GOD, SUDDEN MEMORY. There was this book we read in elementary school about this kid who made everything he touched turn to chocolate and it was fuckin wild. Do you prefer to watch movies or tv alone or with other people? Is there anything you refuse to watch alone? Oh, absolutely with someone. Y’all know I don’t enjoy TV that much anyway. What was the subject of the last video you watched? I’m watching the VOD on-and-off of a WoW streamer I like. Who taught you the most valuable lesson in life and what was that lesson? Jason. Don’t let anyone but yourself become your main source of happiness and worth. Have you got perfect vision? Hell no. I’ve got glasses for a good reason. What colour is the door to your house? White. Would you prefer a pet rat, mouse, snake, lizard or spider? Snake. <3 Are you a good liar (tell the truth this time)? Yes. Do you like the smell of a barbecue or bonfire? Yeah, even though I hate barbecue itself. Do you think rainbows are pretty or overrated? Who the fuck thinks they’re “overrated”??? Rainbows are gorgeous. I think we can all agree on that. Are you more skeptical or gullible? Skeptical. How often do you drink sodas or fizzy drinks? LOLOL I DO NOT WANT TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION. Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? Considering I’m the polar opposite, no. Prefer being in control in a team environment, helping out, or taking orders? Help out. Do you like carrot cake? GIRL yes. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? Yes, because we have no greater right than them to be here. Hell, they’re probably more deserving with humanity’s selfishness. I’m aware as a meat eater there’s some hypocrisy here, buuut still in my heart I see them as just as valuable. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? She made an absolutely infuriating, false assumption of my mother. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? I’ve forgiven him. Forgetting’s a different story. What are you like during arguments? Regardless of the topic or severity, I will absolutely be fumbling over my words, stuttering, and find eye contact difficult. It’s definitely not rare that I’ll be crying. Where do you like to be kissed? WELL this depends on the mood y’know. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel? I dunno, both can be very hard. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? It’s petty and I’d rather not give it the time of day. But I still am kind of angry, though I shouldn’t be. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? Why is this so oddly specific lol. But anyway, Mom, and that I love her. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? The one I trust the most. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them one hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or why not? No, because she was miserable. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I don’t know. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? Sara. Her friendship means a fucking lot to me. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? Yesterday to my mom. Are you old fashioned? HA, definitely not. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? Oh my god yes. What’s your most irrational fear? There are plenty of them that I have. Whale sharks lmao. Musicals: yay or nay? I can’t help it, they’re always cheesy to me. Do you play the games on MySpace/Facebook? No. When was the last time you were sunburnt? A few years ago when I went to the beach with Colleen and her fam. It was actually to the point of being sun poisoning. No words for how painful that shit was. How many times have you re-pierced a piercing yourself? Never have, never would. I’m trusting a professional with that. What’s your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. :’) How often do you pray? Never. Have you ever hugged someone for over a minute? Yeah. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? I already have one but am getting it covered with something else eventually. It just doesn’t really apply to me. Do you wake up cranky? Not usually; I’m usually in my best mood in the morning. Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? No. Who was the last person to hold your hand? I don’t recall. What do you miss most about your ex? Define which ex. Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yeah. Do you and your last ex hate each other? We’re best friends lmao. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yes. Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? Absolutely typing on the computer. I make typos while texting too much. Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? Probably. Have you ever kissed anybody who had a mustache? Yes If you were famous do you think you could handle the popularity? Nooooo no no. Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? I’ve heard small stories about past relationships. Do you know anyone that’s gotten an abortion before? Yes. Have you ever been arrested? No. Who’s the last person that gave you roses? Tyler. Who’s the last guy you texted? My dad. What about the last girl? Sara. When was your first real relationship? From age 15 to 19-ish. Have you ever cried over an ex? I have PTSD stemming from one of them so guess lmao. Do you ever think about your ex and cry? ^ Have you ever cussed someone out? I remember one occasion at my sister’s stupid fucking ex. What’s the most trouble you’ve ever gotten in with your parents? Hm, not sure. Is there something really bad that you’ve done, that only YOU know about? No. Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. Have you ever made out with someone who was just a friend? No. Have you ever told someone’s deep, dark secret? No. “Your secret it safe with me” is something I’m hardcore about. Have you ever pushed someone into a pool? I don’t think so, no. Do you have a super-secret hiding place and what’s in it? No. Have you ever you shop lifted? No. What state (or country) do you live in? North Carolina. Are you listening to music right now? Yes; 3TEETH's cover of "Pumped Up Kicks." I have fallen in LOVE with them. What is your newest favorite website? I don’t think I’ve really had a “new” favorite website in like eons. Do you have embarrassing memories of stupid things you've done? You have no fucking idea. I still remember things that embarrassed me in pre-k. What was the last thing you cooked on the stove? Scrambled eggs, I’m sure. What color Christmas tree do you want when you have a house someday? BLACK. BLACK WITH FAUX SNOW. How fucking gorgeous would that be??? Have you ever had to use an epi pen? No. Do you know the names of 3 of your neighbors? No. I only know the name of one. What was the last thing you cooked that you burnt or cooked for too long? I’m unsure. If you could have a car in any color, which color would you choose? ANY color? Pink. What was the last grocery store you shopped at? Walmart. What was the last type of milk you drank? 2%. Do you plan to vote in the next election? Yes. I believe silence speaks for the evil in situations like this, and I’m done doing that. Thooouuugh I gotta educate myself on the candidates… What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing. What is the last thing you charged? My laptop. Who was the last person to upload a picture with you in it? I don’t know, been a long time. Do you like peas? NOOOOOOOOO. It’s funny, according to Mom, I loooved peas as a baby, but now I’m just like… can’t relate. Do you ever wear sleep masks when you sleep or shower caps when you shower? No. Which friend are you most similar to? Sara and I are very similar. Your ex calls wanting to hang out. What do you say? Well Sara is many states away so like,,,, we can’t unless I wanna buy a plane ticket lmao. If it was Jason, I pretty much know I’d say yes like a fucking idiot. If it was Girt, it’d be a yeah, we haven’t hung out in forever. Do you have alcohol in your house? No. Have you or anyone you know been to rehab? I’m sure someone has. Have you ever swung on a tire swing? I think I have at least once. What’s a discontinued product you wish they still made? Damn, I know there are some, but they’re not coming to me. Have you ever been involved in Facebook drama? Yes. Actually told a motherfucker off a few days back that claimed there was “something wrong” with Breonna Taylor and her death was justifiable. I. Went. The fuck. Off. Then everyone joined in. :D Do you have anything against women who choose to be stay-at-home-mothers? No?????? The fuck?????????? Have you ever kissed someone with a beard? Not a lengthy one. What gaming consoles do you own? PS2, Wii, GameBoy Advance, Nintendo DS Lite, my laptop, and uhhh I think that’s it. Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? Well, mentally sick. Do you know any lesbian couples? Yes. Did your parents monitor your internet usage when you were a teen? Yes. Well, Mom did. Is there anything in the USB key slots in your computer/laptop? Yes, the thing that communicates with my wireless mouse. What advertisements are on your screen at the moment? None. Was there ever a time when you felt absolutely terrified? If so, why? I can’t describe how terrified I was the night of the breakup. It felt so unreal, and I was so certain my life was over. Then there was an occasion where my dad picked my sister and me up from school and he was in an AWFUL mood; he was speeding like a motherfucker and running red lights. I absolutely thought a we were going to get in a wreck or die. Then I have anxiety and have experienced panic attacks, so… guess lmao. Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? One of the most profound in my life is actually Rhett and Link as well as Hannah Hart. When I started watching GMM, I was actually still homophobic, but gradually I started to ship the fuck out of those angel boys despite it. I started questioning my viewpoint, and finally, on their podcast where Hannah was the guest, telling her personal LGBT story, it just clicked how disgustingly wrong I was. When was the last time you went to a bar? I’ve never been to one. Why did you last see the doctor? I’m going to assume you mean a doctor for physical reasons, in which case I went in to talk about if I qualified for a sleep study regarding my nightmares, only to be told that because my actual doctor was absent, she could do nothing. Sooo Mom and I walked in pretty much just to pay someone to say “wait.” How do you spend the majority of your free time? Something on the computer, I’m sure. Lately, what I’ve been doing most is playing WoW while watching/listening to something. List the cards in your wallet. I don’t care enough to look. Not a lot. What was the last thing to inspire you? Ummm idk. How has COVID affected you? It really hasn’t, other than giving me anxiety regarding my mom as she is in the “of most concern” demographic, if you will. We don’t know if her cancer is gone yet due to the whole emergency trip to NY. But yeah, I personally leave the house like… never, so my daily life hasn’t really had any deviations. What is a comfort show of yours? Hm. I share enough that I’m not a TV person, so I don’t really seek out a show when I need comfort. But I guess if I was sitting there with the remote and I was really down, I’d be happy to find That ‘70s Show. Do you think we were put on this earth for a reason? As I believe *some* sort of greater intelligence is responsible for the universe, I like to think so. But if not, make your own reason. What is something you have done this year you’re proud of? I’ve been home alone for over a month now and am somehow doing okay, taking care of the house and myself. Animal Crossing , yay or nay? I’ve never played it. Not of my interest in games. Do you think breaks are toxic in a relationship? “Breaks” are bullshit. You’re either together or you’re not.