#anyway I’d like to try it again sometime. this was hard to- FUCK

[batwynn]

About 9 hours ago my mom looked at me and said she’d never even imagine saying the things her mom said to her. This is after 3-5 years of me gently breaking down the abuse she’s been through for her entire life at the hands of her parents, and also-gently reminding her that she broke the cycle of abuse. I’d always have to go a bit sideways at it, like approaching a feral cat, because no one wants to be bludgeoned over the head with such a thing. She’s been so hurt, for so long, and it’s so complicated because of course she loves them. She’s been grieving the people she loved and thought she knew, grieving the death of her father, filled with guilt for not being able to help him more than she already did (and not recognizing that she did literally everything she could for him, including but not limited to putting her life on the line for him) and grieving very little for herself.

So for her to say that out loud to me is… huge.

She also was full fever brain after a covid booster so I don’t know if that will stay with her or if she’ll fever-forget but I need to find a way to acknowledge it better today than my tired-brained ‘yeah, because you were never the asshole even when they kept trying to convince you that you were’ from last night.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this as a reminder: it doesn’t matter if it takes a long time to come to terms with your abuse. It sucks, because you deserve to have your abuse recognized and start healing asap. But you’re not faking it, it did happen, and it was not ‘not that bad’ just because it took time for you to recognize the abuse. Sometimes it takes 50+ years, and it’s almost never linear. Five days from now she will be sure that she was the problem once again because that’s what she’s been told her entire fucking life. And it’s fine. It’s ok. I’ll remind her of the truth as many times as I need to. Healing is complex, and weird, and hard. Give yourself the grace and patience your abusers never granted you.

[starishsky]

love grows where my rosemary goes

[sticky-sugar]

try it. (matsukawa issei x reader)

tags/cw: roommates to lovers, somnophilia, fingering, mattsun sends porn as a coping mechanism, size kink if you really squint

word count: 3.1k

“i’ve always wanted to try that.” 

issei chokes on his beer when you speak. you point at the tv in explanation, as though he needs one. the scene playing has just started out with a couple in bed, spooning while they fuck. everything’s covered, but it’s easy to tell through the blanket that the woman’s leg is lifted, her back arching against the man’s chest while she cries out lewdly. 

“never been fucked in the morning?” he jokes, keeping his eyes trained on the screen so he doesn’t have to look at you. his laugh sounds awkward even to him. 

“mm-mm.” you shake your head, draining your wine glass, and he can’t tell if that’s a confirmation or a rejection of his guess. but he can tell that that wine bottle on the coffee table is empty, because you would never say these things to him sober. 

“not that part,” you explain. frowning when you realize there’s no wine left, you rise from the couch, disappearing from the room and padding down the hall. issei sighs in relief at the moment alone, running his fingers through his hair and tugging hard.

“she’s drunk,” he whispers to himself, a reminder. “she’s drunk, and she’s your friend. and you can’t afford rent anywhere else, you stupid fuck.” that’ll do it. he’s broke as shit, and you’re a good friend. he can steel his nerves with those facts. 

“she was asleep when he started,” you call from the kitchen. 

fuck. 

issei drops his head back, hitting it on the wall a few times with purpose. fuck, fuck, fuck. 

you come back in, and he straightens, yanking the throw blanket over his lap. you’re too drunk to notice. 

you’re too drunk to notice much of anything, really — including your own running mouth. 

“she was asleep,” you say again. “and he fucked her anyway—“ you rush to explain yourself, holding a hand out when his eyes find yours, wide and uncertain. “consensually, obviously.” 

that doesn’t help. he’d been assuming that, but you confirming it makes it worse.

somnophilia, his mind whispers, the word latching itself to you. 

“i dunno,” you shrug, your refilled wine glass brought to your lips. “i think it’s hot, i guess. i’d try it.” 

he really can’t afford rent anywhere else. 

—

you’re scouring roommate ads in a hungover daze the next morning. 

what is your problem?, you think, rolling over to groan into your pillow. you open your bank app, staring at the number in your checking account and wondering uselessly if it’s enough to afford a place on your own. one where you’ll never have to look mattsun in the face again. 

why did you tell him that?

your brain flashes through two bottles of wine and drunk admissions, and you switch over to uber eats, deciding that cooking is simply not an option today. standing in that kitchen for more then four seconds and risking running into him is not an option. 

you know why you told him that. you know exactly why you told him.

you told him because, despite every coping mechanism you’ve tried over the years of living with him, matsukawa issei persists in being the most attractive man you’ve ever met. 

you told him because you wanted to test the waters. why you would ever test the waters with somnophilia, of all things, and not something standard and vanilla like ‘making out with a friend just happens sometimes’ or ‘drunk hookups aren’t so bad’, you will never know. 

but you’d told him because you think about it. you think about him, doing things like that. things that aren’t standard or vanilla or easily explained or plausibly deniable. 

you think about matsukawa issei fucking you while you sleep. and maybe it’s happened one too many times. maybe now it’s all you think about, enough that it comes up in your stupid, drunk admissions. 

maybe — just maybe — you hope he might take you up on it, now that it’s out there in the open like that. 

but that’s just a maybe. so you’re looking for another apartment, on the very real chance that he’s going to call you a freak and never speak to you again. 

your phone buzzes in your hand. 

it’s a text from him.

[10:17 AM]

mattsun: [link attached]

your face crumples into a frown. “what?” you murmur, jabbing a thumb on the link and hoping it’s not a virus. 

your phone starts moaning at max volume.

you scream, slamming down on the side button to lower the volume as the video intro plays through. your eyes fly to the title.

milf fucked by son’s friend while she’s sleeping

there’s no fucking way he just did that. 

[10:19 AM]

mattsun: smth like that? 

“matsukawa!” you scream, rolling out of bed and storming out into the hall. he’s laughing loudly from his room, and you all but kick his door down. “what the fuck is your problem?!” 

he’s in bed, cackling gleefully and covering his face with his blanket — but his eyes are anything but shy when he looks at you. 

“just trying to ease the tension-“

“by sending me porn?!”

he shrugs and gestures to his phone. “im just saying, you’re not alone! at least—“ he glances down at the screen “—3.8 million other people are into it, too-“ 

you scream in frustration, turning and stomping back to your room. his laughter follows, echoing through your door even when you slam it. 

he does it for two weeks straight. every few days, you wake up to a new link, each video titled something more obnoxious than the last. 

guy takes step-sister while she takes a nap

mom wakes step-son up with a special surprise on his birthday

repairman finds sleeping beauty home alone

each one draws an irritated screech of his name and the echoing giggles of satisfaction from his room. 

you could stop it. in fact, he’s asked you more than once if you want him to. 

‘if you really want me to stop, i’ll stop, he’d said in your kitchen last week.

‘just say the word,’ he’d reminded you on his way out one morning.

‘i think you and i both know how important consent is,’ he’d murmured just two nights ago, leaning on your doorframe, his eyes hot on yours. 

you’d shivered under his gaze and pretended to be engrossed in something on your phone. you’d hoped he couldn’t see the way you’d pressed your thighs together, but when you looked up, he was already staring down at them. 

he’d met your eyes again and just hummed, flicking his dark eyebrows up at you before turning away. your phone had buzzed with a new link only seconds after his bedroom door had clicked shut.

you’re certain he knows why you haven’t told him to stop. that the truth is that you don’t want him to stop. you’re certain he’s testing the waters now, too.

because each video he sends you gets closer and closer to being about roommates. 

your phone buzzes in your hands. you wonder if he knows that you watch each one, waiting for him to pull the trigger on the one that sits unspoken in the space between you. 

he does, a week later.

— 

you’ve caught him, issei realizes belatedly. 

maybe he should have noticed after you started sitting closer to him on the couch. or maybe after you’d refused to tell him to stop sending you porn. or maybe even after he’d sent you something titled ‘roommate can’t help himself while she sleeps’ at 4 in the morning and you hadn’t called the cops on him. 

maybe he should have realized you’d caught him after any one of those. but he doesn’t. he doesn’t realize it, not until this very moment, as you’re standing from the couch and bending over to clean the table of empty beer bottles before bed. 

he doesn’t realize it until he realizes you’re not wearing any underwear. 

he glances at you shamefully when you bend at the waist, hoping you don’t look back and catch him. and then he coughs violently, choking on his own spit and drawing your attention. 

he waves you off, blushing furiously and not even bothering to stop his eyes from flying to your ass when you just shrug and bend over again. your pajama shorts have ridden up, but there’s no lacy edge on pink panties where there should be. 

yes, he’d noticed years ago that these shorts tend to ride up and not mentioned it. yes, he knows what kind of panties you wear. yes, he has a favorite pair. 

what are you gonna do if you find out, call him a pervert? he’d sent you roommate somnophilia porn and you’d made him coffee in the morning.

“‘kay, goodnight,” you mumble, and issei wonders if you’re shy about it or if he’s just hoping you are.

“g’night,” he breathes, eyes finding yours. you keep eye contact all the way out of the living room. your eyes drop to his lap at the last second, and he watches a grin stretch across your face just before you disappear from the room. 

he looks down at his lap, and then he swears under his breath. he’s visibly hard in his sweatpants. 

—

he feels like a pervert. he really feels like a pervert. 

he stands in the hall outside your bedroom, one hand on the knob, feeling like a pervert. it’s 2 in the morning, and he feels like a pervert.

he sighs to himself and turns the knob slowly — ever so slowly, because he knows how it creaks, and he doesn’t want to wake you. he pushes the door open carefully, and then he finds you in the dark, moonlight spilling over your body. 

you’re completely naked. 

you’re on your stomach, blankets draped over your lower half and one knee bent out toward the wall. issei can see the expanse of your bare skin and the swell of your breast, but you’ve got your back slightly to him, so he can’t see everything. 

but it’s enough. 

he breathes hard, stepping into the room and shutting the door silently behind him. he runs his fingers through his hair, tugging hard and giving a soft sigh as he pads over to you. 

when he lowers his knees to your mattress, it’s with his heart in his throat and his cock straining against his pants. you look so innocent, so sweet like this, even while he’s sliding the blankets off of your skin and exposing you in the moonlight. 

is he really allowed to want this as badly as he does? 

your breath is steady, only changing slightly when he braces himself behind you, propped up on one elbow. he scoots toward you, breath caught in his throat, and then slides his hand under the back of your knee. you shiver, probably because his fingers are ice cold, and he keeps his eyes locked on the side of your face. 

when you don’t give any other sign of waking, he lifts your leg and hooks it backward over his knee, opening your body up for him. 

he swears under his breath, staring down at you in the moonlight. 

you shift, adjusting to the new angle of your body with a sigh. your back presses to his chest, and issei has to press his lips together so he doesn’t moan at the sight of you. 

he keeps his eyes on your face when he slides his fingers along your inner thigh, watching you intensely as his icy fingertips dance close to the spot between your thighs that’s radiating heat. 

when he cups your bare cunt, your skin breaks out in goosebumps, but you don’t move otherwise. issei moans now, because your body knows what he’s doing, but you don’t. 

he’d had a feeling before — in the weeks between that moment on the couch and this moment right here — that he’d unlocked a new, previously untouched fantasy. that his reaction to your drunken admission might have been about more than just being attracted to you. 

he sees it now. now, as he’s sliding two fingers between your folds and watching as you remain completely unaware, he realizes that you’ve done something to him. that you’ve made him want to do this to you, tonight and every night after. 

it takes every ounce of his self-control not to shudder and moan in your ear when your pussy twitches under his fingers, reacting to him even when you don’t. 

he drops his head to your chest, eyes locked on your face as he takes one of your nipples in his mouth. your lips part, and he freezes, but the sigh that falls out is nowhere near conscious, so he keeps going, sucking and licking and grazing his teeth over the bud while he massages your cunt with his now-warm fingers. 

the first sign that you’re reacting is the growing ease with which he’s able to push his fingers against you. your entrance becomes slick, and he can’t help that he pushes his hips against your ass in response, seeking relief. he drops his touch lower and swipes the pads of his fingers through the mess there, spreading it all over your cunt. 

when he circles your clit, slippery and warm now, your breathing changes, harder and rougher. the rise and fall of your chest pushes at his mouth, and he latches on with fresh fervor, watching your brows furrow and your lips twitch at the onslaught of sensations. 

it shouldn’t be as easy as it is for him to push his middle finger past your entrance. 

“fuck”, he whispers despite himself, mouth slipping off of you with a gentle pop and eyes rolling back in his head. your walls pulse around his finger, warm and velvety and wet beyond belief. his cock twitches hard in his pants as he slides his finger in and out of you, searching for that spongy spot that’ll wake you up. 

he knows you might have wanted him to fuck you like this, but he can’t help himself anymore. he doesn’t have it in him to be careful anymore. 

when his ring finger joins his middle, it’s with intent. the push is rough, bullying your cunt open with the size of his fingers, no doubt longer and fuller than you can get on your own. 

you shift under him, a quiet noise of question leaving you, and he lifts his head, attaching his lips to the crook of your neck. 

“y/n,” he whispers, more a moan than anything else. “need you.” 

he sucks on the column of your throat while you come to, his fingers curling and spreading inside of you — his sloppy attempt to prepare you for him. 

“h-huh-“ your head lifts slightly, and then you’re slamming it back against the pillow, your back arching. “oh, my god, mattsun-“ 

he almost comes in his pants when you say his name like that. 

“couldn’t help myself,“ he starts, shaking his head and pushing his body against yours almost desperately. “you were so pretty.“ your cunt tightens around his fingers in response, and he files that away for later. keeps it in mind, the things that make you react like this. “need you so bad, y/n-“ 

“yes, god yes,” you breathe, a whine trapped in your throat. you turn your head, back still pressed against his chest, and drop your still-sleepy eyes to his lips.

the coil under issei’s navel tugs hard when he realizes how well he can read you. 

he pushes his mouth against yours eagerly, moan unrestrained when your tongue slides against his. he wonders if you know how often he’s thought of this moment, years of wanting you and craving the feeling of you coming undone under his fingers. 

“please,” you whisper against his lips, back arching when he pushes the pads of his fingers against that spongy spot that makes you whine. “more, mattsun.” 

he groans, shivering when you pull his bottom lip between your teeth. “not yet — it’ll hurt,” he murmurs, leaning on every molecule of self-control.

“i can take it,” you just say, pushing your ass back against his aching cock. “promise.” 

he never had that much self-control to begin with.

his moan comes out in a shuddered breath, overpowered by the sound of you whining when he slips his fingers out of you. he shoves his sweats down to his knees, meeting your eyes and seeing the urgency he feels reflected in your eyes. 

when he slides his cock between your folds, it’s with a choked groan and a heaving pant in your ear. 

“can i- are you sure-“ he stutters, already lining himself up at your entrance.

“please, please, please,” you babble, arching your back to make the angle easier on him. 

you come around his cock before he’s even halfway in. 

there are stars in his eyes by the time you’re done. 

you cry out for him, shaking and clenching down hard, and he can’t do anything except bury his face in your hair and keep your leg lifted high with a trembling hand. 

“fuck,” he breathes, voice tight. “fuck, y/n-“ 

“more, mattsun,” you sob. he thinks you might be the girl of his dreams. 

pushing the rest of the way in, he shoves down his own orgasm, fighting and kicking and forcing it away so he can last more than thirty seconds inside of you. 

he only manages a minute before he’s spilling into you with a stuttered moan of your name, face buried in your neck and head full of static.

you’re just slumped against him by the time he comes to his senses, breathing hard and synced with his.

“sorry,” he mumbles into your hair, ears burning with embarrassment. “i swear i usually last longer than that-“

you laugh, tired and still weak but bright all the same. “yeah — so do i.” 

he snorts, pulling out slowly and letting your leg drop closed, trying his best not to moan at the feeling. 

“are you sure that was okay?” he asks, a tiny inkling of doubt still seeded in his veins. you just giggle, whispering his name in fond exasperation.

“sorry, which part of me sleeping naked was a warning sign?” 

“shut up,” he mutters, curling himself around you and feeling the beginnings of exhaustion start to drain his energy. “i’m staying here tonight. i don’t do one-night stands.” 

you just turn in his arms and wrap your arms around his neck. “was i that good, mattsun? i was asleep for half of it.” 

you’re gonna be the thing that kills him, he just knows it. 

[monstersholygrail]

Imagine an entire bird colony of all male Bird Hybrids where you are their dancing instructor.

Every bird in the colony is absolutely feral over you. They desire you so much to the point where they started taking your class to learn how to woo possible mates but now they only wanna use what they learn on you.

They’ll do the steps wrong on purpose so that they can feel your soft hands on them when you correct it. Wishing you’d slip your hands further down till your thick fingers wrap around their aching cocks. You just smell so good and consume all their senses. Their adorable chirps fill the air whenever you give them any attention, their minds spinning with you.

Sometimes they’ll act like they aren’t getting it no matter what. You all know what’s going on and you’re not too shy to admit you love the attention they give you back. Your panties gushing with arousal as their eyes are trained on your every move.

So you tease them further. Inviting them to grab your hips and feel the way you move into the step, grinding against them every now and then. Loving the way their faces always drop, staring down at your wide hips and round bottom. Their feathers ruffling and wings flapping as they get more turned on. They try not to make it obvious but it makes you so hot to see how deeply you affect them.

By the end of every class all the bird hybrid’s cocks are rock hard and they’re in desperate need of you. They try anything they can think of to get you to stay after class with them. Showering you in affection they now want to drown in you in unimaginable pleasure. Stuffing your tight cunt over and over again with their cocks. Filling you up with all their cum till your belly bulges with it.

You always look so pretty underneath them. Especially as a handful of them always seemed to get you to agree to stay after. One after the other they take you hard, each of them coming inside of you until you’re all fucked out and cum is leaking into a puddle between your thick thighs. Of course they take the best care of you after.

After months of this you had realized that this colony was the only one you were teaching. And the bird hybrids make sure to keep it that way as they fill up all your available slots. Anyone can be competition and they don’t want your attention on another colony. Not that it ever would. You’re more than happy with the affection they constantly show you.

You always have more mating gifts than you know what to do with. Sometimes they give you pretty pebbles or other brightly covered objects. Other times they give you adorable little twigs and materials for a nest you don’t have. But they wanna help take care of you anyway. Then some give you food, wanting to keep your plump body healthy by making sure you’re eating good.

But the feathers that fall off their wings throughout class are your favorite. You put them up on the walls for decoration. The bird hybrids preen whenever they see their feather on the wall, viewing it as their claim on you. They boast to the other birds but then others point out that their feather is up there too and they turn playful as they try and say their feather is longer or fluffier.

Eventually they go to you, thinking that if they can’t prove they’re the better mate through their feathers, they can see which one can make you cum harder. It takes hours for them to come to any sort of agreement as they each use their fingers, tongues, and cocks to make you explode around them long past till you’re seeing stars.

They come from a place of love above all. Wanting to please you, their mate, more than anything. They’d do whatever they could to make that happen as caring for you is what they enjoy most.

I will literally beg for asks about them!! They’ve been a brainrot for me just about all week now. I’d love to see others expand on them and the idea. Or even just to join in the freak out and gush about the fluffy guys together!

[jobean12-blog]

The Fine Print

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x female reader (CEO!Bucky AU)

Word Count: 4,126

Summary: You've been working under Bucky for almost a year and he's always been a grumpy ass and even though when the lines get blurred you can't seem to stay away.

Author's Note: These new pics and all the new gym shots and vids and yum! Just being fed so well! I like the idea of a grumpy CEO who just wants you and he's mad about it. No excuse for being a dick but he's not really all bad. And anyway, I'd never tell him no...haha! Thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️Thank you Daisy for the lovely divider @firefly-graphics😘

Warnings: Grumpy ass Bucky (he's a total ass sometimes but has moments of softness), sassy reader, lots of tension, flirting, curses, fingering, light dirty talk

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

You’re late. Only twenty minutes but it’s long enough that your grumpy ass of a boss will have your head for it.

Grumpy…and an ass but entirely too gorgeous.

You pick up the pace, precariously balancing your files and bags and hoping you don’t faceplant on the newly shined floors.

Getting a flat tire on the highway this morning wasn’t on your long to-do list for today, but it still happened and now you’ll have to deal with a very cranky Mr. Barnes.

You round the corner and enter your office, ready to give your usual sunshine filled greeting.

“Good morning, Mr. Barnes!”

He’s standing at your desk, arms crossed over his broad chest and his eyes hard.

“Is it a good morning?” he asks, not bothering to move out of the way as you try to slip around him. “What time is it?”

You stop and meet his glare.

“I had some car trouble this morning. I got a flat on my way in.”

Your voice comes out steady and strong and relief floods through you. This was the first time you were late, and you were not going to be reprimanded.

“Trouble is quite the fitting word for what I’ve been dealing with in your absence.”

You glance up at him and his antagonizing stare, and blink away your surprise at his words.

“I would have thought you would at least ask me if I was ok Mr. Barnes,” you say sweetly and with a smile. “After all, how could I possibly manage to fix a flat tire all on my own.”  

His jaw clenches tightly.

“Obviously you managed,” he counters. “And you look just fine.”

Beautiful blue eyes wander languidly down your body before making their slow perusal back up to study your face.

You try to school your features and when he raises an expectant brow you bite back with, “Thankfully I am fine, and I got help but I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with the burden of picking up a telephone and sending an e-mail all on your own this morning. It won’t happen again.”

He takes a step closer to you and you stop yourself from swaying forward to get a hint of his scent.

Traitorous body. If only the fucker wasn’t so fucking hot.

“You’re right. It won’t,” he replies with a smug smile. “And just so you don’t forget, I’d like to see…”

He spends the next minute rattling off several project pieces he’d like to see completed and on his desk by the end of the day.

“And then you can make up the half an hour you missed by getting together a mock presentation for our meeting tomorrow.”

When your nostrils flare, he smiles triumphantly and dips his head, so his warm breath caresses the shell of your ear.

“I’ll see you in the conference room at six.”

He turns away and slams his office door behind him and you let out an exasperated puff of air.

“It was only twenty minutes asshole.”

You mutter the words under your breath as you plop into your office chair and continue to curse his name in grumbles.

There’s a light knock on the door before it opens and you know you’re about to hear the voice of your friend and coworker, Jess.

“I know you’re working through lunch,” she says. “So at least let me get you something.”

You don’t look up but smile nonetheless, your fingers flying over the keyboard with ease.

“Honestly, I don’t even think I have time to eat,” you say before hitting the period button hard and meeting her eyes.

Jess gives you a sympathetic look. “I’ll grab you something nutritious.”

She waves before gently shutting the door. You lean over to check your desk drawer for snacks, the mention of lunch reminding you that you are in fact, hungry. At the same time that you see you have nothing to eat you notice a tear in your stockings.

“Son of a bitch,” you grumble. “I just bought these.”

Less than a minute later your door opens again and without looking up from your screen you whine, “do you know what, after the morning I’ve had I think I’ll take something sweet…maybe a cookie. Or twelve. Or chocolate of any kind.”

When you receive no acknowledgement, in return you glance up and see that Jess is not standing at your door.

You quickly tug the hem of your skirt down, noting how Bucky’s eyes track the movement and linger on your legs.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes, I didn’t realize…”

“Since your morning has been so awful,” he starts, his sly smile growing, “why don’t you run down to the café and pick us both up some lunch.”

Your lips purse and once again his eyes seem glued to every action you take.

“Mr. Barnes, Jess has just come in and said she would grab me something to eat so I can continue working through lunch.”

When he doesn’t say anything, you continue.

“I have A LOT to get done.”

“I’m sure you’ll make it work,” he says before rattling off his lunch order.

He turns on his heel and takes two long strides back to his office, pulling the door closed hard behind him.

“What the f…?”

You don’t even finish the sentence when he opens the door again and pokes his head out.

“Make sure you get yourself something to eat. We’re going to be here late.”

The door slams shut again, and you abruptly stand, your rolling chair flying back into the wall as you storm off.

“Why does he care if I eat or not?” you ask yourself as you angrily stuff things into your bag and throw it over your shoulder.

The rest of the day goes by far too quickly and you find yourself cursing out the copy machine as you wait for the rest of your papers to go through. Checking your phone you see you’re already almost ten minutes late to your afterhours ‘meeting.’

You rush down the dim hall of the now empty building, your presentation materials clutched tightly to your chest and glance again at your phone.

Fifteen minutes. Shit.

As you near the conference room, you try to calm your breathing and slow to a walk. A soft light shines from under the door, and you know he’s in there waiting for you.

Taking a deep breath you knock.

“Come in.”

You walk into the large room, never failing to take in the view of the city that the floor to ceiling windows along one wall highlight.

At the head of the large dark wood conference table, sits Bucky. His suit jacket is hanging haphazardly over the back of his chair, his tie is loose around his neck, and the crisp white sleeves of his button down are rolled up to his elbows.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes. The copy machine…”

Realizing you’ve been apologizing all day, and it has made no difference, you stop yourself and lift your chin, walking over to where he sits and placing down your papers, sorting through them as quickly as possible so you can begin.

“Have you eaten dinner?” he asks.

His question takes you completely by surprise and you meet his piercing blue eyes with a confused expression.

“I uh…I had lunch.”

“That doesn’t answer my question sweetheart.”

At his sugared endearment, your eyes widen, and your breath catches in your throat, but you regain your composure.

“No. I haven’t.”

He just nods and gestures to the papers, clearly waiting for you to get started.

You lean over the table, searching for the paper you need and in your disheveled state don’t realize your entire lower body is practically draped over him.

“I just need to find…”

The words catch in your throat when you feel his fingers softly touch your thigh, slowly inching higher to reveal the tear in your stocking. His fingertips trace the sheared fabric and press against your skin, igniting it with heat.

Every muscle in your body tenses, your heart pounds in your chest and your brain screams at you to push him away but you don’t dare move.

“Look at me,” he demands, pressing his fingertips harder into your skin.

You straighten and turn to face him, his hand sliding up and over the curve of your hip to settle on your waist.

“Mr. Barnes?” you ask, keeping your eyes trained on his.

“James. Call me James.”

The intensity of his stare makes your breath catch and when he doesn’t answer and instead continues letting his hand trace your curves you battle with your emotions.

“The next time you have car trouble,” and his hand slips under your skirt again, “you call me.”

“What? Why would I?”

His fingertips graze the lace top of your stocking before he lifts your skirt higher and drops his eyes between your legs.

“Because I said so,” he murmurs, teasing along your inner thigh.

Your hand falls to the table to steady yourself and you willingly spread your legs open when he gives them a slight push.

“That’s hardly a good reason,” you breathe out.

“Fuck,” he growls, and his eyes fall closed.

You glance down at his lap and see him straining against the expensive fabric of his pants.

He smooths two fingers along the line of your panties, lightly pressing against your swollen and sensitive clit. His eyes open and he looks furious, fisting the thin material in his hand and in one quick movement, tearing it off.

He pulls you down roughly onto his lap, your skirt riding up over your hips to accommodate the wide spread of your legs as you straddle him.

An involuntary moan slips past your parted lips when he grabs your ass and drags you down over his hard cock.

When he opens his mouth to speak you grab his tie between your fingers and use it to pull his mouth to yours. Every sweep of his lips is heaven, and you release his tie to rake your fingers through his hair.

He makes a low, angry noise deep in his throat and you trail your lips along his jaw, kissing your way down the strong column of his neck.

His hand slides from your ass and slips between your legs, his fingers brushing through the wetness just before there’s a knock on the door.

You both go completely still and wait. When a second knock sounds, he quietly curses and gently lifts you off his lap.

You quickly pull your skirt down and smooth your hands over your hips. He watches your every move as he runs a hand through his mussed hair and sits up in the chair, hiding his legs and erection under the table.

“What?” he growls, loud enough for whomever is on the other side to hear.

“Mr. Barnes, we’re scheduled to do maintenance in here tonight.”

He curses again and continues to stare at you.

“I’m just finishing a meeting. Give me five minutes.”

“Of course, Mr. Barnes,” the maintenance manager, says, “take your time.”

His chest rises and falls rapidly as he splays his hands out over the tabletop. Hastily he stands and tries to straighten his tie, his eyes landing on your ripped panties that lie on the floor.

He grabs them and rubs the silky fabric between his fingers.

“Make sure you eat something,” he says and then shrugs on his suit jacket, tucking your panties into the breast pocket.

You’re clutching the table and staring as he grabs his briefcase and starts toward the door.

“It’s late. I’m going to have security walk you to your car,” he states, finally meeting your eyes.

His groan is pained as his gaze travels down your body and then he disappears out the door.

You fall back into a chair and try to calm your breathing. You’d have to be out of here in a minute and you didn’t want to look suspicious. Seeing movement outside the door you begin gathering your things and stand on still shaky legs.

With a deep inhale you straighten your shoulders and walk out the door with a serene smile, greeting the head of security and thanking him for escorting you out.

What the fuck just happened?

The next morning you’re making your way into the office when he walks in. You do nothing more than greet him with a curt nod, giving him a wide berth of space as you make your way to your desk.

You can feel his eyes on you, the lick of heat traveling down your spine. You’re wearing your favorite dress and while it’s appropriate for the workspace it accentuates all the right spots, and you smile to yourself as you bend down to retrieve something from your desk drawer.

Regardless of what transpired last night you are not going to let it affect your work. You felt powerful and confident in this dress and Mr. Barnes can fuck off.

You peek over your shoulder to find him standing halfway in the doorway of his office and staring. You raise your brows and blink.

He clears his throat and mumbles a short “good morning,” then steps into his office and slams the door.

You roll your eyes and promise yourself he’ll be the last thing on your mind as you set out to get as much work done today as possible.

As lunch approaches you grab your bag and reach for your wallet. Your fingers close around a crumpled piece of paper, and you start to smile when you’re reminded of what it is.

You knock on his office door and saunter inside when he says, “come in.” The receipt hits his desk with a smack and without an explanation you turn and walk back out.

You almost make it to the first step in the stairwell when you hear footsteps approach behind you.

“Where the hell do you think you’re running off to?” he calls.

You continue walking and make it down one flight of steps before saying, “to get lunch.”

He meets you on the landing and clutches your elbow, spinning you around and pushing you against the wall.

Your eyes narrow contemptuously.

He whips the receipt out and in front of your face. “Want to explain this sweetheart?”

You let out a wry chuckle. “You know for such a smart guy you really are an ass sometimes. It’s a receipt.”

“I can see that,” he says through clenched teeth. “What I want to know is why you’re making purchases for…lingerie…on my company credit card.”

“Some jerk ripped up my favorite pair of panties last night.”

You shrug your shoulders and try to skirt past him.

His hand meets the wall next to your head, his fingers curling and crumpling the receipt and you can feel how tightly the muscles in his body are flexed when he presses closer.

He looks tormented for the split second before his lips crash down on yours and your treacherous body melts into the kiss.

His cock throbs against your stomach as he tries to hike your dress up over your thighs. Reluctantly he steps back, making enough space so he can slowly slide your dress higher, above your panties and look his fill.

“I like this pair even more than last nights,” he simpers.

His fingers hook into the lace at your hip, and you grab his shirt. “Don’t you dare Barnes.”   

“You can buy as many new pairs as you want.”

He once again easily tears them from your hips.

Your lips part in shock but he swallows your sassy remark with his mouth. The roughness of his kiss is a sharp contrast to the way his fingers softly tease between your legs.

You need more but you’ll be damned if you’re going to beg him for it. As if he can read your inner thoughts, his eyes light up in triumph when he pulls away to meet your gaze.

“As much as I want to hear you beg me for it sweetheart, I already know how badly you want it. You’re soaked for me.”

“You’re such an ass…”

He slides a finger inside you and your combined groans echo in the empty stairwell, the insult dying on your lips.

His stare is intense as he dips his head to your ear, warm lips brushing ever so gently when he whispers, “say please and I’ll give you what you want.”

Instead, you nip at his jaw, stifling the moan of need that threatens to rise in your throat. He continues pumping one finger in and out, sweat beginning to bead on his brow and his teeth gritted.

You hiss out a curse that’s followed by a breathy “please.”

You’re expecting him to be smug but instead he slows his movements and languidly pushes a second finger inside you, clearly relishing the way your eyelids flutter closed and you clench around him.

“That’s it sweetheart. Show me how much you love it when I fuck you with my fingers.”

His words practically send you over the edge but it’s the press of his thumb to your clit that makes your legs start to shake and his name fall from your lips like a prayer.

When his head falls to your neck and he places soft kisses along your skin, traveling up to your ear to whisper, “come for me gorgeous,” you let go and dig your fingernails into his strong shoulders, finishing with a muffled cry.

He draws out your pleasure with the slow push and pull of his fingers before sliding them out and holding them between you, his skin glistening under the harsh fluorescent lights.

His fingers press to his lips, parting them as he licks them clean, clearly savoring every drop of your taste.

“I knew you’d be sweet,” he croons.

“James,” you whimper when your hands fall to his pants.

He grabs your wrist to stop you and pushes your hand away. With soft movements he fixes your dress, smoothing his hands along your curves.

“But…” you start, and he silences you with a kiss.

You’re breathless and your head is fuzzy by the time he pulls away and with a wink he steps back and says, “lunch is over. We have a meeting to attend.”

He turns on his heel and jogs back up the steps with ease. Your narrowed eyes follow him before you let out a frustrated huff and walk on wobbly legs in the same direction.

You had forgotten all about the meeting…the one you were supposed to go over the plans for the night before.

When you walk into the large conference room everyone is already seated and Bucky is of course at the head of the table. His eyes are trained on you as you walk to the front and place your things down near him.

The presentation you’re giving shouldn’t take more than ten minutes, but there’s a lot riding on it and after what just happened, you’re obviously feeling flustered.

You open your document and greet and address the room, doing everything in your power to keep your focus on where it belongs and not on him.

But when you pause your eyes lock with his and your ability to speak is momentarily stolen. His gaze is intense, the heat simmering there almost palpable.

With a clear of your throat you continue, fumbling slightly but thankfully recovering quick enough that no one seems to notice. No one but him.

His perfect lips raise in a lopsided grin, and he runs his tongue along the seam of his lips. It’s clear where his thoughts are, and you must tear your eyes away to unscramble your head. He’s obviously trying to fluster you and quickly your nerves are replaced with anger, and you use it to fuel the rest of your presentation, finishing it with ease.

You sit with a smile and lift your chin, challenging him with your eyes. He stares right back.

“Thank you,” he says, addressing you by your first name as he stands and commands the room. “That was an excellent presentation. Clearly, you were well prepared.”

You can’t tell if his words are mocking or meaningful and it sets you on edge. He moves around the room and answers any lingering questions before ending the meeting with a dismissive hand.

As people stand and gather their things, Bucky comes up behind you, pressing his chest close to your back as he leans in to pretend to grab something from the table.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to make it thought that” he chuckles.

To everyone else it appears he’s making a funny remark, but you can feel your skin heat at his proximity and taunting words.

“Ugh,” you say through gritted teeth. “You would have loved that wouldn’t you?”

You can feel your eyes fill with unshed tears, the emotions of the day finally catching up to you and when his gaze finds yours his expression morphs from haughty to soft in an instant.

It only sends you reeling again, the confusion flooding through you and before he can say more you gather your things and rush out the door. Unexpectedly, he’s hot on your heels all the way to the elevator.

There are several other people on it so when you stop at the next floor and more employees file in, you’re squeezed toward the back, pushed farther into him, your ass against his crotch.

He’s hard and you feel the rest of him stiffen with the sharp intake of his breath. You take a step away from him, as much as you can in the confined space, but he reaches forward and grips your hip to pull you back.

“Don’t move,” he whispers into your neck.

“I’m two seconds away from shoving my heel up your ass,” you seethe.

He leans even closer, keeping a firm grasp on your hip.

“You were deliberately trying to make me fuck that up!”

You turn your head to peer at him and his mouth falls open, brows furrowed.

“What?” he says.

“You heard me.”

When you reach the floor just before the top, everyone else exits the elevator and the doors close, leaving you both pressed together in the corner.

It starts to move again, and you jerk backward, falling against him as he leans into the wall.

His sudden growl startles you and then he slams his hand into the stop button on the control panel.

His body cages you against the wall and his breathing is harsh.

“I would never want you to fuck anything up,” he exhales. “It’s impossible for me to think about anything but you…how good you taste, and I haven’t even gotten my mouth on you.”

You hide your surprise at his confession.

“Yet.” He adds in a promised whisper.

“This is my career at stake Mr. Barnes. You’re the one with all the power here. What do you have to lose?”

“Me? All the power?” He laughs dryly. “You’re the one who does this to me…the only one.”

You feel him throb against your stomach and you can see the truth in his eyes.

“Then don’t be such a dick all the time.”

You mean the words to come out harsh but instead they’re a quiet whisper and your expression softens.

It’s all he needs before his lips crash to yours and he slides his hands down to your ass, squeezing his way to the hem of your dress.

“I had to sit there and watch you present, the whole fucking time knowing you had nothing on under here.”

His touch is delicate as he spreads your legs and slides a finger through your folds, already wet and aching.

“I was sitting there hard as a rock just thinking about bending you over that table, tasting you, fucking you.”

Your fingers close around his biceps, the soft fabric of his suit jacket bulging under the strained muscles.

“Is that what you want?” he asks as his fingers continue to tease you.

“Yes,” you answer as you grab hold of his tie and bring his lips closer.

He kisses you, never touching you where you need it most and when he pulls away, he presses the elevator button, causing it to start moving again.

He removes his fingers and reaches up to straighten his tie and when the doors open, he backs out, his voice low and deep when he says, “I need to see you in my office. Immediately.”

He turns and glides from the elevator, his long strides carrying him quickly toward his office and you can’t do anything but follow.

@blackwidownat2814 @hiddles-rose @kmc1989 @goldylions @lizette50

[beenbaanbuun]

wearing his hoodie w/jongho

words - an amount

genre - smut…

warnings - fingering, degradation (slut), nicknames (baby, honey, good girl), manhandling because of course, cutie patootie jongho, dom!jongho

jongho likes to pretend he doesn’t like it when you wear his clothes

like, you’ll be walking around in one of his hoodies and he’ll just sit and watch you with a disinterested look

or what he assumes is a disinterested look, anyway

everyone bar him can see the cute little smirk that he’s trying so desperately, and yet failing so miserably, to hide

sometimes you’ll ask him what’s wrong and he’ll just respond with ‘that’s my hoodie’ as if trying to insinuate that you shouldn’t be wearing it

but when you suggest (threaten) that you take it off, he just insists that you keep it on

“you’re already wearing it now, baby,” he tries to keep his voice level, but you can hear the panic behind it, “may as well just keep it on, right?”

sometimes you leave it on, but sometimes you don’t

you just like to see the disappointed pout he wears once he realises you’re not wearing it anymore

but if he struggles to hide his true feelings when you’re fully dressed, imagine wearing his hoodie with nothing but a pair of panties

this man will not be able to take his eyes off of you

there’s a cushion that has taken permanent residence over his crotch and when you ask about it he just says he wants to hold something

“well, why don’t you hold onto me instead?” you tease, keeping an innocent lilt to your voice, “i’m sure i’m nicer to squeeze than a measly bit of fabric.”

his already glazed over eyes go wide and he shakes his head

“no! i’m, uh… mad at you,” he stutters out

you take a few steps closer

“mad at me?” you grab the bottom of the hoodie and begin to play with the fabric, completely ‘innocently’

it’s your your fault if the material lifts up a few times to reveal the purple lace

it’s also not your fault that it’s jongho’s favourite pair you’re wearing - the one that matches his mic

jongho does a few slow blinks as he tries to keep his gaze on your face and not on your soft thighs that you keep exposing more of every time your hands pull as the hem

“you’re wearing my hoodie again,” his voice is suddenly more breathy than it was moments before

you can’t help but wonder how close he is to snapping and ripping the hoodie off you himself

not because he doesn’t like when you wear it - you both know it’s a lie when he says that - but because he’s desperate to get to what’s underneath

“it’s comfy,” you shrug, “and i didn’t want to wear trousers.”

his eyes trail down your body at the mention of your bare legs and they finally settle on what he’d been trying to hard to avoid

“i can see that, baby,” he grunts, rubbing over his face with his hands, “any reason?”

you shrug, trying to think of an excuse

it only takes seconds for you to realise that the truth would be better

“you were too focussed on work,” you get even closer as you speak, until finally you’re stood in between his open thighs, “i thought if i misbehaved you’d pay attention to me.”

he groans, tipping his head back as his final piece of resolve floats away

“what, so you thought if you come down here, half fucking naked with nothing on but my hoodie and your panties, i’d fuck you?”

well, yes… of course you did

still, you didn’t dignify his obvious question with an answer

“how do you know i have nothing on under here?” you pull at the bottom of the hoodie once more

then suddenly there’s hands on your hips and you don’t have time to think before you’re being pulled onto your boyfriend’s lap

the cushion is gone, now - he must have pushed it away just moments before he grabbed you - and you can feel his hard-on sitting pretty against your clit

if it weren’t for the iron-like grip he still had on your hips, you’d push your luck and grind down on it

“because i can see your fucking nipples, baby,” he grows into your ear, gently nipping on the lobe before pulling away, “poking through my hoodie and teasing me, hm? i bet that was all part of the plan, wasn’t it…”

you wriggle a little in his grasp, wanting to get some friction against your core, but he grips you harder and his fingers dig into your hips

“stop moving,” he glares at you, “i’m not finished talking, and i can’t focus when my little slut is busy rubbing her wet fucking pussy all over my dick.”

by the tone in his voice, you know there’s no room for argument

you sit still for him, trying to ignore the ever-growing ache that sits at the bottom of your stomach

“good girl,” he says, although he doesn’t quite sound like he believes it, “now, you’re going to sit there and take what i fucking give you, hm?”

you nod desperately

he chuckles as he reaches down and slips a finger inside of the soft lace, making you gasp

“but don’t even think about cumming until i say so, sweetheart,” he begins to rub circles against your clit, every stroke growing in speed as he works you towards an orgasm, “baby needs to learn her place, doesn’t she.”

you nod desperately, whimpering away as he works his expert fingers against you

you grow closer by the second as after just a minute or so, you can feel that familiar knot at the bottom of your stomach

you hold your breath, ready to explode and then…

nothing

he pulls his fingers away right at the last second, bringing them up to his mouth to suck the juices off with a smirk

he keeps eye contact with you as his tongue darts out from between his plush lips to lap at his fingers

you whine

“oh hush,” he mumbles in between licks, “you brought this on yourself, honey. now be a good slut and suffer the consequences.”

[pupyuj]

[cw: g!p reader, edging, daddy kink, handjob, dacryphilia, degradation]

residents of goon central have witnessed me screaming over this pair of pics a few days ago bcs FUUUCKCJDH… anyway here’s something a lil different from me, i hope you guys are into it as much as i am! ehehuehe 🤤🤤..

it’s really, really not your fault that every time you see your girlfriend in the screens doing what she does best, you get so hard 😣 even worse that yujin brings you along whenever her and the girls are doing their promotions in music shows so you have to sit with ive’s staff trying to act like your girlfriend’s performance isn’t affecting you in the slightest 😔😔 and ofc she’s the only one who notices your behaviour when the group comes back from yet another successful stage.. she knows you too well after all 🤭 “what’s wrong with you..?” she’d whisper in your ear since she didn’t want anybody else hearing just in case it was serious… but then she sees you tugging on your jeans and immediately she knew.. 🫣

yujinnie telling the girls that she can’t go to the celebratory dinner tonight bcs you were ‘sick’ and she wanted to take care of you :(( she says that but as soon as you’ve driven her to your house and close the door behind you, she was pushing you down on your couch and slowly crawling towards you with a sick smile on her pretty face 😵‍💫 “i got you feeling funny again, huh baby? i knew you’d like me in that outfit.. maybe i should wear neckties more often if it’ll have you acting like this…” yujin was saying as her hand slowly trailed up your thigh and cupped your hard dick through your jeans, making you whimper slightly.. “don’t be shy now, love. it’s completely normal.” she was saying bcs you’re not at all too experienced and she knew she made you feel so many things at once 🤤🤤

yujin unzipping your jeans and making you get rid of it yourself.. her eyes fixed on your bulge the entire time, licking her lips bcs she was excited to see your reaction to what she has in her mind for you.. 🤭 only the most pleasurable things for her princess, but yujin needs to satisfy her own version of fun sometime, right? 😉 “fuck, you’re too cute.. sometimes i wish i had the dick in the relationship. i’d fuck you so good…” and you know what? she would! she’s very good with a strap, and you’re speaking from personal experience iykwim 👀 “but i enjoy this too.” she settles herself in between your legs and leans down to kiss you softly with her hands carefully touching you everywhere except where you need it most.. she’s such a tease 😤

finally, yujin pulls your dick out of your boxers and starts stroking slowly, making you moan into her mouth :(( she keeps kissing you though, her eyes slightly open so she could see precum leak out of your slit and coat your dick as well as her hand… then she’s kissing down your neck, your moans free to fill the air while your own hands find themselves tangled up in yuin’s hair… yujin keeps the same slow pace for minutes on end so you’re left sitting there desperate.. “daddy, please…” you whimpered, clumsily bucking your hips into her hand..

you feel her smirk against your skin.. you knew the nickname would do something to her 🤭 you learned that she really, really liked it after you let it slip out while she had been pegging you that one time 🫣🫣 “what do you need daddy to do, angel?” she’d ask, holding your dick a bit tighter so she could watch you throw head back and moan loudly… seeing tears well up in your ears got her so wet already 🤤 but she had to control her urges.. she wants you to stay at her mercy for a while before she starts paying attention to what her body needs 😋 “speak, or i won’t know.” yujin demands, slowing down even further and making you whine bcs you were already starting to lose the build up…

“f-faster, please daddy…”

“good girl.”

and she starts it up again of course! as much as she wanted to taste you, there was something about watching you slowly fall apart under her touch that clouded her mind and just made her unable to do anything but what she was doing right now 😵‍💫 as promised, yujin was much faster, but she was jerking you off in a way that made sure she wasn’t pushing you to your climax too quickly.. it irritated you and it showed! it showed in the way you moved your hips to meet yujin’s strokes, the way your eyebrows were deeply furrowed, and the constant whining and frustrated noises that came out of your mouth.. yujin enjoyed every single second of all this 🤭

“mmhn.. looks like my baby wants to cum, huh? having a hard time getting there?” she’d ask, but you wouldn’t answer bcs you were too focused on trying to even get an inch closer to the edge 😔 you don’t understand why yujin was doing this at all! she always wanted to make you cum and she could do it so good.. it couldn’t wrap around your little head that she was playing with you for her own amusement 💔💔 yujin pressing her thumb over your slit and squeezing your length gently.. a satisfied hum leaving her lips when she noticed just how much of a mess you’ve made on her hand and she hasn’t even let you cum yet 😵‍💫

yujin hears your moans getting higher, feels your grip on her arm getting tighter and the evil girl slows down again, making you choke out a sob.. “d-daddy, why…! i-i can’t keep doing this.. please, let me cum..!!” you’d say as tears streamed down your pretty little face :(( yujin pouts, “what do you mean you can’t? not even for me?” she’d ask and you knew she was full of shit bcs she’s grinning widely while you’re literally in tears… evil, evil girl 😵‍💫😵‍💫 “p-p-please… please i’ll do anything..” you would beg and oh, this would just inflate her ego so much 😣

you’re tugging at her shirt, sobbing while thrusting your hips into her now-stilled hand and saying that you’ll do anything once she’s made you cum… so naturally yujin would want to tease you even more??? she’d stroke you again, way faster this time, “should’ve known you’d be so easy to break down like this. you’re hopeless, (y/n),” yujin would say. “you didn’t even think of hiding away at the bathroom to play with yourself… always needing daddy to do things like this for you.. i love it, but that says a lot about what you’re capable of, huh? nothing.” see now that was just mean.. but somehow it felt… good?? what the fuck was wrong with you.

“you’re useless without me… i’d love it if you appreciated me more.” with her free hand, yujin was spreading your legs and she dug nails into your skin, making you hiss in pain…

“ahh—! i-i do! i love you, i.. mmh…! i love you so much…”

yujin knew it was the truth. she’d be crazy to doubt the very obvious love you have for her but listen, she was having so much fun 🤭 “really?” she tilts her head, she’d be blushing while she increased her pace, pushing you closer and closer to that climax you wanted so much 🫣 “y-yes! yes, really.. m-more than anything…” satisfied (and lowkey hating that you’re crying 💔 as pretty as you looked, you’re still her precious baby! ☹️), yujin speeds up once again, her free hand now squeezing and fondling your boob while you’re moaning her name 😵‍💫

“always daddy’s dumb good girl, hm? willing to say and do anything for me, just like i taught you.. you might get to cum inside me tonight, angel.. do you want that?” yujin asks, giving you soft kisses all over your collarbone.. and god, you couldn’t even reply.. the thought of fucking yujin’s cunt full of your seed all night long was enough to completely push you over that edge, giving you what must’ve been the best orgasm you’ve had today…

but the night was still young! and with the way yujin diligently licked off your cum from her hand excruciatingly slow (she made you watch every second) and took off her own jeans and pants before straddling you and saying, “now be a darling for daddy and breed me…” this night was going to be a very long and very… enjoyable night for the two of you 😋💓

[crybabycinna]

That Night (smut)

(Sugar mama Lin Beifong x sugar baby reader)

Minors go tf away!

Warnings: men being weird, fingering, drinking, degrading, fucking in a closet, fighting, lots of hickeys

Remember that party Asami invited you and Lin to? Yeah it’s party time!

I had a glass of champagne in my hand while I watched people dance around at Asami’s party. The more I drink my champagne the more I realize I should have just gotten a shot. I’m not the biggest champagne person but I try so hard to be it’s stupid. I got this itching feeling that someone was looking at me but before I could look around Mako came up to me. “Hey.” Mako said. “Hey.” I said back and gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Have you seen Bolin?” Mako asked. “No I have not.” I said. “Damn, well you wanna take a shot with me?” He offered me a shot glass. “I’d love to.” I said as I took it.

We clinked glasses then tossed our shots back. The liquid burned for a second then the feeling subsided. “I gotta go find Bolin to make sure he’s not doing anything stupid. I’ll come back to check on you in a bit.” Mako said. “You don’t have to check up on me, I'm a big girl.” I told him. “Tell that to chief.” Mako said as he walked away. I shook my head. When I go out by myself Lin sometimes has Mako follow me around which he rather do then paperwork anyways but it’s not like I can’t take care of myself. I started getting that feeling again of someone watching me and it’s bugging me.

I need another shot. I walked off to the mini bar and ordered a shot of cactus juice and then after I took it I said fuck it and ordered another one. Before I could leave the bar some guy blocked my way. “Excuse me.” I said as I tried to get past him. “Why don’t you come dance with me?” The average height man asked. “Actually she’s my dance partner.” Asami said as she grabbed my hand and dragged me away towards the dance floor. “Thank you.” I said. “No problem now, dance with me.” Asami said. I laughed as she held my hand as we danced around each other and on each other.

“I’m surprised you can dance in this dress.” Asami said to me as I danced on her. “What do you mean?” I asked as I moved my hips. “The slits of your dress goes all the way up your thighs at any minute we could have a flash moment.” Asami teased. “Oh shut up I used the tape you invented to make sure this dress don’t move like that.” I laughed. “I’m glad it’s really working, I’m truly a genius.” Asami said. “Indeed you are.” I said. Once the song was over Asami went to go find Korra. I ran into Mako again. “Still no Bolin?” I asked. “He’s in the pool.” Mako told me.

“Oh also you are doing a shitty job at protecting me.” I teased him. “What happened? Are you ok?” Mako asked frantically and started looking over my body for bruises or scratches. I mean he might find a bruise or two because Lin likes to mark me up. “Did someone do this to you?” Mako asked as he poked at my shoulder blade. “That’s a hickey.” I told him. “Oh.” Mako said as he turned me around to face him. “Yeah me and your mom get frisky.” I said. “I don’t need to know about what you and the chief do.” Mako said and shivered in disgust.

I laughed. “Anyways what happened?” Mako asked. “Some dude blocked me from leaving the bar then Asami came to save me.” I said. “I saw you two on the dance floor, you don’t think chief will get mad?” Mako asked. “Why would she?” I asked. “Since she likes to leave marks on you like that and has me follow you around she seems a little possessive don’t you think?” Mako asked. “I suppose so, yes but I don’t think she’ll get upset over me dancing with Asami.” I said. “Anyways stay with me so you don’t get bothered.” Mako said.

Hmmm how about no. “Mako, look , there's a tall buff smart pretty girl over there.” I said and pointed in the opposite direction. “Where?” Mako asked and I took off. I went back to the dance floor. I’m not afraid to dance alone. Is it more fun to have someone to dance with yes but oh well I have to dance alone. As I was dancing I felt someone grab my waist and I wasn’t alarmed at first my brain thought it was Asami or Lin. “Where’s your dance partner?” The male voice asked. Oh hell no! I quickly moved away and turned around.

“Dude what the fuck?” I asked. “Just dance with me.” He said. “No.” I said and tried to walk away from him but he grabbed my wrist. “Hey! Get off.” I snapped and turned back to face him. “It’s just one dance.” He snapped back. Before I could raise my other hand to punch him I was pulled away and then the guy was put on the ground. “You ok?” Mako asked. “Yeah I’m fine.” I told Mako. “You sure?” Lin asked me. “I’m fine baby.” I said. “I’ll get him out of here.” Mako said and dragged him away. “Come with me.” Lin said and we walked off the dance floor. “Where are we going?” I asked.

“Since people wanna dance with my girl I’ll just have to remind them you belong to me.” Lin said. Oh no. Lin dragged me into a closet. She pushed me against the wall and started a passionate make out. Her coming to save me made me horny but now her shoving me into the closet has me even more excited. Anyone could come in and see us but I don’t care. I want them to know, I want them to see, I need them to know I’m her’s. I pulled away. “You gonna keep making out with me or are you gonna remind everyone who I belong to?” I asked. Lin immediately attacked my neck.

I leaned my head back so she could have more access to my neck. “Lin please more.” I begged her. “Don’t be an impatient brat.” Lin growled. “Please.” I begged. Lin turned me around and lifted up my dress. I wasn’t wearing any shorts, it was just a dark red thong with a heart chain under my long dress. Lin smacked my ass and I let out a moan. “Lin.” I whined. She nibbled on my ear and smacked my ass over and over. God this feels so good. Lin pulled down my panties and started to circle my clit. “You’re wet just from me spanking you?” Lin asked.

“Yes, I love when you spank me.” I whined. Lin turned me to face her and pulled down my dress to pull out my breast. She nipped my left nipple and I gasped. She was gonna leave marks all over my tits. “Lin please more.” I begged. Lin slipped two fingers inside of me stretching me out and my back arched. “Yes, more baby more.” I whined. She curled her fingers and did a come here motion. “Fuck keep doing that.” I moan out. “You’re all mine aren’t you?” Lin whispered in my ear. “Yes I’m all yours!” I cried out. Her fingers feel so good inside of me. “You’re sure?” Lin asked.

“Yes baby I’m yours.” I moaned. “I thought you’d be Asami’s the way you were dancing on her.” Lin growled and rubbed my clit with her other hand. “No Lin. I’m yours all fucking yours! I belong to you!” I cried out. I guess Mako was right. “That’s right you belong to me.” Lin said. My legs were shaking and ready to give out. “Oh god please chief I’m close.” I whined as I felt a familiar tightness building in my belly. “When you cum you better scream my name.” Lin commanded. I nodded my head and the closer I got to tipping over the edge I kept saying her name over and over again.

“Do you think you can take another finger?” Lin asked. My eyes widened. “I c-can try.” I said unsurely. “Good girl.” Lin said and I felt her add a third finger. I gripped Lin’s shoulders. “Fuck chief!” I cried out. “Your tight pussy is swallowing my fingers up so well baby girl.” Lin cooed. We’ve never done this before but it feels so fucking good and I can feel my juices leaking down my thighs. “I’m so close.” I told her. “Cum for me baby you can do it.” Lin said, pumping her fingers faster. “I’m all yours Lin, I belong to you, I’m yours. I don’t want anyone but you,” I grabbed Lin’s face so she could look at me as I declared her ownership over me.

I could tell her eyes were full of lust but there’s something else there but I had no time to decipher what it was because Lin smashed her lips against mine. Lin plunged her tongue in my mouth and I didn’t even put up a fight. I let her do whatever she wanted to me. As Lin slowly pulled away I felt light headed. “You’re right you’re mine, you belong to me, there will be no one that touches you the way I do.” Lin groaned. Her words pushed me over the edge. “Lin!” I cried out as I orgasmed.

Lin fingered me through as my whole body shook. “Fuck Beifong.” I sighed out. “You ok?” Lin asked. I nodded my head. “You sure?” Lin asked. “Yes baby I’m fine.” I said. “Good.” Lin said as she pulled out her fingers and I put them in my mouth. I sucked them clean for her. “Let’s get out of here.” Lin said. “No, I wanna keep dancing.” I whined. “One more dance then we go.” Lin said as she helped me put on my panties. “You fucked up the tape.” I sighed. “What do you mean?” Lin asked. “There was tape that I put on the strings of my panties to help keep my dress from moving all over the place.” I told her.

“You’ll be fine.” Lin said. I nodded and we exited the closet together. Before we made it all the way back to the party Lin stopped me. “What’s wrong?” I asked and turned to look at her. Lin opened her mouth but then stopped. “Where the hell have you two been? Are you ok?” Kya asked coming up to us. “I was a little shaken up about what happened earlier.” I said. “Aww Linny, look at you taking care of your girlfriend. How romantic.” Kya teased. “Kya don’t you have single woman to mingle with?” Lin asked. “No need to be hostile Linny, but are you really ok?” Kya asked me.

“Yes I’m fine.” I said. “Oh and by the way Mako got into a fight with that guy.” Kya said. “Is Mako ok?” I asked. “Of course he’s ok.” Lin said. “Lin knows her precious son can handle himself but yes he’s ok.” Kya said. Lin rolled her eyes. Kya’s eyes widened. “What?” I asked. “Y’all are nasty! All those hickeys.” Kya gasped. “Oh hush Kya.” Lin said. Kya and I laughed. I was happy that the hickeys were seen. This is what we wanted. We walked back to the party and I got to dance with Lin for a little bit. Lin ran her hands over my body as we danced.

[whyse7vn]

MISS YOU -

[ !fwb jhs pjm ksj jjk kth x reader ]

HOSEOK -

hobi: hi

y/n: ur texting me before 5pm should i be scared rn….

hobi: i miss you

y/n: oh i’m terrified

hobi: can’t a man simply miss his girl???

y/n: i’m shaking in my boots dni

and ur girl???

shut the hell up

hobi: i miss you

y/n: STOP

this is really weird

hobi: ok i’m never being nice again

y/n: 💜

hobi: i lied i’m just a nice guy at heart

i miss you my pretty little petal 💘

y/n: this is a new low for you hoseok

hobi: i told you about saying my name

i’m trying to be sweet to u rn

not horny

y/n: our relationship is literally built on being horny wtf are you talking about

hobi: do you miss me

say yes if yes and no if yes

y/n: ok that is real unfair

hobi: yes or no

no jungkook

y/n: speaking to you before 5pm truly feels illegal

hobi: i talk to you before 5pm

like all the time

don’t make me look bad rn

we literally work together

i talk to you all the time???????????

y/n: u sound like ur trying to convince urself you talk to me

hobi: I LITERALLY DO STOP LYING

y/n: ok yeah you do but you only message me to fuck after 5pm

hobi: i never said i wanted to fuck?????

y/n: so you don’t want to fuck??

hobi: ok yes

y/n: knew it

hobi: yeah whatever

BUT

i just thought i would try and be a sweet loving man for u

y/n: well don’t do it again

freaked me the hell out

hobi: u wanna be my girlfriend so bad i’m gonna throw up

y/n: ???????????

hobi: ok sorry

y/n: freak

hobi: miss ur pussy on my face

y/n: i’m literally blocking you

ur so gross

hobi: ok wtf

how do i win in this life

cant be sweet

cant be explicit

HOW DO I WIN

y/n: ask to fuck nicely

hobi: may i please indulge in the sexual intercourse with you at 1400 hours

y/n: and normally

hobi: can we fuck in like 20 minutes

in my studio preferably

pls and thanks 😝

y/n: sure

hobi: TURN UPPP

that was really easy

y/n: did you just call me easy?????????

hobi: NO??????

y/n: you definitely did

hobi: NONONONO

i’m just saying like normally i’d have to beg a little

ur kind of a sadist like that

anyways

you didn’t make me beg today

dare i say

dot dot dot

ur stating to fall in love with me wink

y/n: did you just type out dot dot dot and wink???

hobi: say yes if yes and no if yes

y/n: stop breathing

hobi: hard

and no not by shinee

this one is by hoseok

but WAIT

(no dino)

if we think about it is by you

hard by you

wink lol

y/n: ur so fucking lame it’s unreal

JIMIN -

jimin: miss you

wanna kiss you so bad

y/n: personally i wanna fuck

jimin: ���

is it really that hard to act like you were loved as a child for even a little bit

y/n: all i’m hearing rn is you don’t want to fuck

ur LAME

jimin: do you not miss me back?

y/n: next question

jimin: do you miss me???

y/n: purple

pull ur dick out

jimin: i’m getting real upset

what if i cry rn

y/n: lowkey

jimin: stop talking

y/n: it WOULD be real hot

jimin: …

i’m trying to be cute and love on u rn

y/n: gross

love on ur girlfriend or something

jimin: ur my girlfriend

y/n: i’m ur girl friend you fuck sometimes

the big space was on purpose btw

if you didn’t get that

jimin: ok fuck????

i get it

so like do you fr not miss me back or what?

y/n: for someone who said they get it ur not acting like you get it

jimin: i get it

y/n: get a guitar

jimin: what

y/n: riize

jimin: rise?

y/n: talk saxy

jimin: tf are u talking about

y/n: ur so annoying

jimin: can you say you miss me back

y/n: no!

jimin: i’m gonna stop fucking you

y/n: ok

jimin: ok i lied but were you scared for a second

y/n: not really

jimin: ok idc

y/n: who is ur riize bais

mine is shotaro

he’s a real cuite

jimin: mine is i miss you jimin

y/n: i’m not saying i miss you

jimin: why not?

y/n: why?

jimin: because you miss me???

y/n: i saw you last week??

jimin: LAST WEEK

oh my chest hurts

the walls are caving in

y/n: are you done

jimin: should we just make it official

y/n: if ur this annoying and a fuck buddy i don’t even want to imagine what ur like as a boyfriend

jimin: better

y/n: i doubt that!

jimin: let’s find out challenge go!!!!

y/n: i do NOT consent

jimin: hello girlfriend do you miss me like i miss you????????

y/n: i’m gonna start fucking joon

jimin: say sike

that’s not funny at ALL

say sike rn

HELLO???????????????

SAY SIKE Y/N

IM SO FR SAY SIKE

SEOKJIN -

jin: miss you

y/n: ☠️☠️☠️☠️

just send that to jimin

he’s laughing at you

jin: wtf is ur problem

y/n: why are you messaging me during works hours??

jin: cuz i missed you???

yeah i said missed

not miss

cuz fuck you

you made me look weak in front of jimin

you bitch

y/n: what if i said i missed you too?

jin: ofc you miss me

that was a given

i was just letting you know the feeling was mutual

y/n: that’s crazy cuz i don’t miss you at all

jin: ????

are you proposing to me rn?

y/n: ?get a grip

jin: need you here rn

y/n: i’m trying to work

jin: ok?? idk what that has to do with anything

y/n: i’m working

jin: are we role playing??

y/n: no.

jin: omg i was just kidding lighten up a bit geez

pretty girl i miss you

no even joking

y/n: pic with tears or ur lying

jin: you make missing you not fun at all

y/n: is missing ur fuck buddy supposed to be fun??

jin: we’re still calling it that?

y/n: ??

jin: it’s fine

i’ll indulge you and ur games

y/n: LMAOOO ???

ur age is really showing

talking like a fucking vampire

jin: yeah yeah

what time do you finish

y/n: in exactly an hour

jin: i’ll pick you up

will bring the nice car and everything

y/n: all ur cars are nice

jin: i know

just wanted to hear you say it

y/n: eat the rich i say!

jin: i’ll let you eat me

let’s go bite for bite

y/n: jimin would have a field day with that

jin: i don’t want to talk about jimin while i’m seducing you thank you very much

y/n: ur seducing me??

jin: yeah

you couldn’t tell?

y/n: no?

jin: ur lying

y/n: maybe i am

jin: that’s what i thought

y/n: maybe i’m not

jin: you are

y/n: but what if i’m not

jin: no you are

y/n: am i?

jin: shut up

it’s like nice when you just don’t talk

and stop pretending you hate me

y/n: hate is a strong word

jin: so you love me?

y/n: love is a strong word

jin: fuck you

y/n: YOU WISH

jin: not true

y/n: IS THAT YOU OUTSIDE??????

WAVE IF THATS YOU

OH MYGOD YOU WAVED

THATS YOU

UR OUTSIDE

jin: i’m outside

y/n: ??????? HOW

jin: god knows

y/n: i said an hour

jin: an hour is too long dont you think :/

y/n: UGH

men

YOU MAKE ME SICK

give me 5

JUNGKOOK -

jk: come see me

y/n: ??LMAOOSODOFIDIFJFNDJJDJDJDJ SJDJDJDNDNDNDNNDNFNFNFNFNFNNDNDNFNFNFNFNFNFNFNNFNFNFNFNNFCJ

jk: ok i’m sorry i though you would find that really sexy and cool

y/n: that was really funny

imagined you saying that in real life LMSKDKKDF

THATS SO FUNNT WLMSKDODOFIFJFJFJFJFN

wow ur really silly

jk: i miss you

like so much

y/n: do you miss ME or do you miss fucking me

jk: is this a trick question?

y/n: not at all

jk: both?

y/n: are you sure

cuz you don’t sound sure

jk: it’s a trick question

y/n: i’m telling you it’s not

jk: if i say i miss fucking you ur gonna think i’m just using you for sex and that i’m horrible person that should die

but if i say i miss you ur gonna think i’m a stupid idiot loser who can’t control his feelings and should kill himself

y/n: is this u projecting rn??

jk: can i come over please

y/n: answer my question first

jk: i did !!!! i said both

y/n: you said

“both?”

jk: ok now i’m saying both!!!!

y/n: your just saying cuz you want to come over

so you miss fucking me

i see

jk: NO

well yes

bUT LIKE NOT JUST THAT I MISS YOu

LIKE YOU

as A PERSON

your smile

your voice

your like overall presence???

y/n: why is everything a question with you

stand on business kook

jk: you make me second guess everything

IM SO NERVOUS LEAVE ME ALONE

y/n: okay let’s not shout now

jk: ok i’m sorry

i’m really sorry

hey i’m sorry

y/n: guys i think he’s sorry

jk: guys??? who is there? don’t tell me it’s yoongi he’ll bully me

y/n: you want come over?

jk: so bad

y/n: ok

but you have to pay me in like

JUNGKOOK WHAT THE FUCK YOU JUST SENT ME 50K???/!/£:’dn

jk: you said pay

y/n: I DIDN’T FINISH MY SENTENCE??????

jk: oh

my fault

i’m sorry

i’m really sorry

you can keep it

for rainy day or something?????

carry on what were you saying??

i didn’t mean to interrupt

y/n: wow ok um i was just gonna say tteokbokki or something

jk: with cheese right?

you like it with cheese yeah?

i’ll come over and make it for you i’ll head to the store rn

anything else???

y/n: ummm no

jk: ok i can start making my way right?

y/n: yeah…

jk: cool ok see you soon

y/n: cool

cool wow yeah cool

that’s cool

wtf just happened

TAEHYUNG -

14 miss calls from tae

tae: throbbing rn

y/n: it’s 3 am what the fuck is wrong with you

and throbbing?????????

you

nvm

i don’t even want to finish my sentence

jump of a bridge cut ur dick off idc leave me alone

tae: i miss you

y/n: no shit

tae: told my parents were engaged

y/n: convinced all you do all day is pop percs and take punches to the head

tae: you can give me head

i miss ur head

and you ig

but like ur head 😍

meow

y/n: meow???

tae: MEOWWWWWWWW

y/n: what do you want??

it’s 3 am

tae: head???

like

are you stupid

wasn’t i clear enough

ACTUALLY NO WAIT

i miss you🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

what did nct say that one time

girl your my favourite 😋😍💗

y/n: i should call mark

tae: OMG YEAH

you think he’ll sing a bit for us

GIRL UR MY FAVOURITEEEEE

wait no???????

wtf

don’t call mark

are you sick

are you out of ur mind

i just called you my favourite and now ur calling mark?????

y/n: puka puka pow pow 💚

tae: ok but i said i miss you

y/n: k

tae: me missing you

like that’s what’s happening rn

ME missing YOU

do you understand

y/n: yess thank you ur so kind !🌷💞💘

tae: ??????

say it back maybe

y/n: no thanks!

tae: okay lol

the more you deny my love

y/n: yuck

tae: ok never interrupt me again

or we WILL have issues

y/n: are you talking to me rn…

tae: NO LMAO WHAAAATTT i must of forgot where i was for a second why would i ever threaten my beautiful amazing queen

y/n: ok not too much

tae: love you!

y/n: ur making me sick gonna throw up

tae: i’ll catch it

with my hands

y/n: stop

tae: eat it if you want me too

y/n: you lack serious amounts of self respect and it’s extremely worrying

tae: will you give me head

y/n: only if you never speak ever again

tae: ohmygod literally call me ariel babe like you give me head and my voice box will literally melt out my body

NO WORDS

ever again NO JOKE

y/n: the way you lie so easily is kinda scary

tae: i’m not lying

okay I AM lying but like how am i supposed to call you at 3 am and beg you to come over if i can’t speak

y/n: that’s the point!

tae: ummmmm

that’s mean

like you would so miss my voice if i didn’t have one

y/n: if you didn’t have a voice how could i miss it if you never had one???

tae: what

y/n: like ur saying if you NEVER had i voice i would miss it

but i can’t miss it if i’ve never heard it before

tae: that logic is stupid cuz ur saying you can’t miss things you’ve never had

y/n: you can’t

tae: i miss our wedding night

y/n: shut up

tae: throbbing

you make me throb

THROBBING ❤️

y/n: shut up shut up shut UP

tae: totally random pov ur boyfriend calls you 700 times and messages you at 3 am telling you he’s throbbing and is offering himself to you on a silver plater fuck the the knife and fork he wants it messy

what you doing in that situation??

y/n: sending a swat team to his address

tae: i’m your boyfriend???

y/n: ?

tae: YOU BASICALLY SAID IM YOUR BOYFRIEND

THIS IS A WIN

THIS IS A WIN

OH MY GOD A WIN

WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN

I WIN

OHMYGOD I WIN

i win

ohmYGODDDD

i would like to thank yeontan and my parents and hybe and son heung min for this win

i owe it all to you guys

i promise to keep working hard

and never let any of you down i’m just so extremely grateful

and i just wanna add that

SMS ERROR: The phone number you are trying to reach is no longer in service!

tae: gf so crazy like 🤭

—

yessss this was half a draft for the first fwb work i did so if you see any similarities that’s why but this is also half a request cuz somone asked me to make a fwb piece about them missing you but i lost the little ask thingy i’m so sorry don’t shoot me ALSO obviously all the members aren’t here cuz this was a scrap but then i was like omg this is too silly to throw away so i posted here hope you like >.<

tags: @piw6n @92jinnies @birdie-vhs @kooksmilitarywife @hob3loveofmylife @jujubiism @bloopkook @ratchetpizza1 @myntalks @arloo00 @watamotee33 @y2kcy3brz @taiwan0618 @freyadanvers @gguksbeloved @raetf @bbsantc @winuvs @medicinemybish @bxnnyhime @leleluvsbts @baetukki @zyaaaszn @thelilbutifulthings @jazminethecreator @k4ngelz @jmnscutie @sopebubbles-replies @cynicalyoongs @lightningpussy54 @eunthv @gigiiiiislife @lowkeykin

[spaceshipellie]

we were never just friends

ellie williams x reader

part three (part one, part two, part four)

summary: modern!ellie, both in their mid twenties. ellie and reader have been friends for years, their friendship has always been somewhat flirty but nothing has ever happened. not yet anyway…

warnings: angst, ellie’s pov for a bit, loser ellie but also cocky ellie, gay pining, reader being chaotic, mdni

author’s note: i feel so evil for this. thank you sm to everyone who’s read/liked/commented/reblogged, it really makes my day considering this is my first fic, love you all <3<3

word count: 4k approx

“what the fuck have we done?”

“i’m pretty sure we just fucked,” ellie whispered, a smile evident in her voice.

you stared up at the ceiling, in disbelief at what just happened. it felt as though it all happened so quickly yet time seemed to have stopped. the dim, dark blue of the room and the midnight hour made it feel like you could spend an eternity here before returning to the real world.

“what are you thinking about?” ellie broke you out of your trance.

“i was just thinking…” your voice trailed off. what exactly were you thinking?

half of you felt a euphoria you’d never experienced in your life. this breaking of the threshold of your friendship with ellie dripped with temptation and you had to use every ounce of willpower to not reach out and grab it again.

however, the other half of you felt an uneasy sense of dread. you’d just fucked your best friend in a bed that was meant for you and your girlfriend that weekend. not only were you going to have to figure out what to tell kate, you were worried what this might do to your friendship with ellie.

you’d always been close and when friends get close, harmless flirting can sometimes follow. you could admit to yourself that at times you had felt jealous of the girls ellie dated and that she occasionally flustered you, but you never thought that meant anything. or rather, you’d never allowed yourself to think it meant something.

ellie meant the world to you and the idea of losing her made your chest ache. you had been in happy, loving relationships before which had come to a bitter end and you supposed, subconsciously, you had thought that if you couldn’t handle those relationships ending, how on earth could you cope if ellie left your life. staying friends had always been the safest option.

“i was just thinking about how i don’t want this to make things weird between us,” you confessed.

ellie immediately shifted to lie on her side, facing you.

“hey, it won’t,” she touched your cheek and you moved to your side to face her, hands tucked under your pillow.

“you’d have to try pretty fucking hard to get rid of me.”

you laughed, thankful for her encouragement. but the next thing she said made your heart drop.

“i don’t know what i’d do without you anyway.”

you looked at her, longingly, unsure of what the right thing to say here was.

you stroked a hand down her arm that was resting between you until you reached her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“i’m not going anywhere, i just have to figure out what i’m supposed to do.”

if it weren’t for the darkness you would have seen the sadness that took over her face.

“i know,” she said faintly.

you remained like that for a moment, sleep almost consuming you until she pulled her hand away and sat up.

“i should probably go back to my room, you know, incase they catch us in here together.”

she searched around for her clothes, muttering a “fuck” as she bumped into the dresser.

“do you want me to turn the light on?”

“no, no, it’s fine. i got it.”

she clumsily pulled her shorts and t-shirt on and paused at the door.

“night.”

“night, ellie.” and with that she left.

you ran your hands over your face and pinched the bridge of your nose. don’t even think about it, just go to sleep, you thought. you tossed and turned for a while, but eventually you drifted off.

˚ · • . ° .

when you awoke in the morning, you could barely remember where you were. that was until you caught sight of your underwear on the floor.

you dragged yourself out of bed and threw some pyjamas on so you could go and use the bathroom. after showering you went back to your room and got changed before heading downstairs. the creek the last step made caused everyone’s heads to turn in your direction.

“hey, you’re up!” dina beamed. you noticed she was putting together some breakfast.

your eyes immediately latched onto ellie’s who was sat at the kitchen table. you shuffled over and took a seat opposite her.

“smells amazing, deen,” you mused.

“thanks, there’s loads here so don’t be shy,” she said as she put the food on the table. a stack of four plates already there for you to take.

as you ate, you talked about what you might do that day. aside from you and ellie sneaking glances at each other from across the table, everything seemed normal.

freya had told you about a farmer’s market that was close by which sounded fun so you agreed that’s what you’d do that morning.

in the car on the way, you were sat next to ellie in the back. her knees were spread so one kept bumping into yours with every jolt of the car. you didn’t talk very much, content with just listening to dina and freya mostly, as well as the music that played. you felt sick every time you thought about what the hell you were supposed to do now. you knew you were going to tell kate but you didn’t know how and you didn’t know when. tomorrow you’d get back from this trip and then there were only a couple of days before you were leaving for california. looking out the window and biting your nails you wished you could just stay in this car and drive forever, far away from the mess you’d made.

“you okay?” ellie’s quiet voice snapped you out of it.

“yeah, yeah, i’m fine,” you gave her a weak smile. you wished you could tell what she was thinking. to be able to tell what that look in her eye meant.

suddenly, you felt the car stop and freya announced that you were there. you all clambered out, adjusting your tote bag on your shoulder, and headed towards the market stalls.

it was quaint and lively as you wandered around. you casually browsed everything from the fruit and veg stalls to the jewellery and art stalls.

“hey, you could sell your art, you know?” you said to ellie, gesturing towards a stall where a woman was selling watercolour and charcoal drawings.

“i don’t think i’m that good.”

you both slowly strolled on, dina and freya somewhere up ahead.

“yes you are, i love your art.”

she gave you a quick smile before shaking her head.

“i’m fine just doing it for me.”

you lightly nodded, looking at her face as she looked ahead. there was a hint of dejection in her expression and she was dragging her feet more than normal. without really thinking, you grabbed her hand and pulled her to the side, away from the flow of people. she stood in front of you, eyes scanning your face waiting for you to explain.

“we need to talk about this,” you rushed out.

she hung her head and lightly kicked a rock on the ground.

“yeah, we probably do.”

“i’m really sorry, i shouldn’t have done it and i–“

“will you stop apologising?”

her eye contact was more intense than it had been before and she sounded serious as she cut you off.

“sorry,” you mumbled out and she let out a laugh before composing herself.

“are you gonna tell her?”

“i have to. i mean, i’d want her to tell me if she…”

ellie just nodded, looking down at her feet.

“can i ask you something?” she said.

“of course.”

“do you hope she’ll forgive you?”

her question caught you off guard. yes, seemed like the right answer so yes, you hoped she did. but a tiny part of you was here, looking at ellie’s face, not caring whether kate did or didn’t. the anticipation in ellie’s voice also made you wonder why she’d asked you that.

“why do you ask?” your voice came out small.

“because,” she sighed, “never mind.”

“ellie…”

“no, it’s,” she waved her hand in dismissal, “it’s none of my business.”

your heart pulled. you wanted to know what she was going to say so badly but didn’t want to push. she gestured towards the stalls.

“let’s go find them.”

˚ · • . ° .

— ellie’s pov —

“ok,” your voice was quiet and deflated and it made ellie feel terrible.

she was so torn about what to do. what could she do except wait on the sidelines? she so desperately wanted to know when you were going to tell kate and selfishly, she wanted to know if you and kate would stay together.

last night was something she’d dreamed of happening for as long as she could remember. she felt dazed just thinking about it. the way your lips felt against hers. the way you whimpered when she touched you. the way you made her feel so good.

something amazing had finally happened between you both. the only problem was it had happened under the worst fucking circumstances. she could kick herself for not doing something about her feelings sooner, when you were single, and everything could have been good.

she hated herself for the way she lost her mind around you. normally, she was pretty confident with women, but with you, it’s like every time she saw you her biggest fear became you finding out that she liked you because what if you didn’t feel the same. what if you rejected her and it ripped the fabric of your friendship forever. but, you had kissed her back. you had wanted her. she just now needed to know how much. soon enough you both found dina and freya over by a fruit and vegetable stall.

“there you guys are,” dina said before looking at ellie, her smile dropping slightly. fuck, ellie thought, she knows somethings wrong.

the four of you continued walking around, you’d bought some food to have back at the cabin and when it was midday you decided to go back. the entire car ride ellie’s brain was just spinning in circles about what could happen next. she couldn’t decide if she wanted this trip to be over now so she could find out or if she wanted to savour every second she had left here, away from reality.

as soon as dina noticed you and freya distracted by putting the shopping away, she grabbed ellie’s arm and pulled her into a different room.

“is everything ok?”

“yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“come on, ellie, don’t give me that. what’s going on?”

ellie looked down at her hands and played with her rings.

“it’s nothing, really.”

“did something happen?” dina’s voice was hesitant, “with you guys?”

ellie’s head snapped up to look at her.

“no, why would you say that?” her voice came out defensive and dina closed her eyes for a second, pondering what to say.

“i’m not stupid, you know. i see the way you look at her. the way you’ve always looked at her.”

ellie couldn’t deny it anymore.

“shit,” she ran a hand through her hair, “i know, it’s bad isn’t it?”

“well, it’s not bad to have feelings for her. it’s just difficult as she’s with someone.”

“yeah,” ellie let out a small, sarcastic laugh.

“so, what are you gonna do?”

“nothing. absolutely nothing.”

dina looked at ellie and felt sad. she pulled her in for a hug and rubbed her back comfortingly.

“it’ll be ok. talk to me if you need to, i know what you’re like.”

ellie laughed but appreciated dina’s encouragement.

“can��t say i can make any promises.”

˚ · • . ° .

— your pov —

the four of you spent the rest of the day cooking, swimming, and playing board games. things between you and ellie seemed relatively normal, she had perked up a bit since this morning which you were glad about. then your phone buzzed.

kate 🩵

10:34pm

hope you’re having a good time. i’m visiting my parent’s atm so won’t see you until wednesday morning, can’t wait to go away with you xx

your stomach dropped. fuck. wednesday was the day you were traveling to california. kate’s parents lived miles away, you couldn’t just go and see her now. how the fuck were you supposed to tell her before you went away? you thought you could call but you wanted to tell her in person so you could talk properly. you wrote back an unsure reply.

you

10:37pm

okay, see you then. me too xx

you put your phone back in your pocket, not wanting to look at it again. everyone was getting tired so when dina and freya said they were going to bed, you quickly jumped up saying you were too. before you followed them upstairs, you turned to ellie.

“are we ok?”

she gave you a reassuring smile.

“yeah, we’re ok.”

you hugged for a moment, giving her a small squeeze before you pulled away and both went to bed.

˚ · • . ° .

“how fucking could you?”

“ellie, please. i’m sorry, i’m so so sorry.”

“i don’t care if you’re sorry, you fucked up. you’re a horrible person. you were a horrible friend and i never want to see you agai–“

your body jolted awake.

you had the worst nightmare and it took your eyes a minute to adjust to the room that was still dark. your eyes squinted as you looked at your bright phone screen. 2:17am. groaning, you swung yourself out of bed and made your way downstairs to get a glass of water.

“shit,” you jumped upon seeing a figure already leaning against the counter by the window. the only light in the room came from a tiny lamp.

“ellie, you scared me.”

“sorry.”

you went and leaned against the counter opposite her. she was wearing baggy sweatpants that hung low on her waist and a white tank top.

“can i have some of that?” you pointed at her joint.

“sure,” she said, passing it to you, “can’t sleep?”

you took a drag before shaking your head, “no, you?”

“no.”

it was silent as you passed the joint back and forth a couple times.

“this is pretty fucked up, isn’t it?” she half-heartedly laughed, bringing it to her lips, looking at you.

you laughed with her, folding your arms over your chest.

“it is pretty fucked.”

her eyes lazily trailed over your body making your cheeks heat up and you shifted from one foot to the other.

“this isn’t how i expected the weekend would go,” you tried to lighten the tension but it was useless.

“me neither,” ellie said mindlessly, stepping forward and pulling the spaghetti strap of your top back up onto you shoulder after it had slipped down. her fingers touching your bare skin made you shiver.

“what are you doing?” you warned.

“you can tell me to stop.”

she gently grabbed your arms and uncrossed them from your body before sliding a hand down to your waist.

“do you want me to stop?” she taunted, putting her other arm behind her to stub the joint out on the sink, her eyes never leaving yours.

“i–no?” your voice was a mere quivered whisper.

she smirked and her eye lids went heavy as she slowly placed a light kiss on your lips. her face was still close to yours when she pulled away but she wanted you to do something.

your hands were gripping the counter you were pressed against. her hand spread itself wide on your waist whilst the other leant on the counter behind you.

“this is such a bad idea,” you muttered before kissing her again. your hands moved to hold her face and you moaned a little into it, truly feeling erratic but it was all too tempting. her hips pressed into yours and pathetically you clenched around nothing, itching to have her hands on you in you again.

“fuck fuck, stop,” you whined, not wanting her to but you had to. she stopped kissing you but you still held each other close.

“ellie,” your voice cracked, “i can’t. i want to but i can’t.”

she leaned her forehead on yours and rubbed her thumb on your waist.

“okay.” her voice was barely above a whisper. your hands squeezed her shoulders before letting go and she slid her hand away from your waist.

you went back to bed wanting to punch yourself. how was this happening. you still couldn’t sleep, a million thoughts barrelling through your mind.

you had never fully addressed your feelings for ellie out of fear of getting hurt. well isn’t that fucking ironic, you thought. not only were you hurt anyway but you were hurting other people. you knew you were being a coward. if you could bring yourself to just ask ellie outright how she felt about you then maybe this would be easier. if you could have done all of this six months ago it would be easier. but you didn’t and now there was a heavy weight of anxiety drilling into you every time you thought about the consequences.

˚ · • . ° .

the next morning, you felt like a ghost. you were so unbearably tired after getting no sleep last night. you patted your cheeks trying to knock some life into you so you could get up and get ready. stumbling down the stairs you noticed only dina and freya were there.

“where’s ellie?”

“still asleep i think,” dina said. she looked at you with soft eyes as if she was trying to work something out. you ignored it, praying she hadn’t got a clue about what had been going on. it was nearly 11am and the plan was to have brunch at the cabin before heading home. you helped dina and freya get the food sorted and arranged on the table when ellie came downstairs, rubbing her eyes and yawning.

“morning sleepy,” dina cooed.

“morning,” ellie said sitting down next to you, but she didn’t look at you.

you were pretty much ready to go after you ate and cleaned up seeing as you didn’t really unpack. you loaded up the car with your stuff before heading off, dina taking charge of the music in the front.

“did you guys have a good time?” freya directed her question at you and ellie, catching your eye in the rear view mirror. at the same time you and ellie shot out, “yeah loved it,” and “yeah it was great.”

“thanks so much for inviting us,” you added.

“anytime.”

you and ellie ended up falling asleep on the drive home, not waking up until the car stopped. your eyes fluttered open and you realised your head had been leaning on her shoulder and hers on your head. slightly confused, you both sleepily looked at each other before realising that freya was parked outside ellie’s place.

“oh fuck, sorry,” she said. dina and freya giggled, giving each other a knowing look.

“it’s alright.”

ellie got out the car and grabbed her bag before bending down to see through the open window.

“thanks freya, see you later guys.”

she caught your eye for a split second before going inside. you slouched in your seat whilst freya started the car again, heading to your place to drop you off.

˚ · • . ° .

you’d mostly been working the last couple of days since the cabin weekend which was good because it took your mind off everything by about 2%.

you hadn’t seen anyone either which was just as well because your nerves were through the fucking roof. you had wanted to tell kate before you went away as you assumed you wouldn’t be going anymore after she found out. if only she hadn’t been away at her parents prior, because it was now wednesday, and kate was on her way over.

she burst through the door after you buzzed her into the building, immediately rambling about everything you had to do. she started listing off everything to make sure you’d got it and you kept trying to interject.

“you’ve got your passport? your kindle? your–“

“kate, i need to tell–“

“–your phone charger–“

“please, can we just slow down a minute?”

“we don’t have time, we need to leave in like 30 seconds,” she said rummaging through her bag, checking everything again.

“i know but i need to talk to you.”

“babe,” she stopped to look at you, “we’ve got all the time in the world to talk, when we get there.”

you wanted to just blurt it out and get it over with but something was stopping you. the words were getting stuck in your throat like you were trying to scream on command. you really wanted to tell her before california but stupidly, you found yourself boarding that goddamn plane.

kate had read her book the entire flight there so you read yours too. you were sat in a taxi on the way to the hotel when you remembered to turn your phone back on. a text had come through just a few minutes after you had boarded.

ellie 👽

12:38pm

have a safe flight x

your leg bounced as your thumbs hovered over your phone.

you

4:56pm

thank you x

you wanted the ground to swallow you whole. you wanted that stupid spaceship you and ellie had joked about to come crashing down on top of you. the taxi driver started pulling up at your hotel and helped you get your luggage out. you thanked him and went through to check-in.

kate started talking to the receptionist as you smiled at her then looked around the lobby. jesus, it was fancy, you thought. when you got to your room you let out a deep breath, dumping your things down and falling backwards on the bed, hands running over your face in post-travel exhaustion.

you felt the bed dip and a hand peel yours away until you saw kate above you. you dropped your hand on the bed and hers placed itself on your waist as she leant down to kiss you. you kind of hesitated to kiss her back but she didn’t seem to notice as she started leaving kisses along your jaw and down your neck.

“what time did we book dinner?” you asked. she kept kissing.

“kate?”

she hummed against your skin.

“what time did we book dinner?”

she stopped and looked at you.

“uumm, 7 i think? why?”

“just couldn’t remember.”

she started to push her hand up under your top before you suddenly grabbed it.

“i’m not– i’m sorry, i wanna go have a shower. wash the plane off me,” you said, starting to sit up making her move off of you. she didn’t say anything just let you go and lock yourself in the bathroom. you leant on the sink and looked at yourself in the mirror.

“you are such a bitch,” you mouthed to your reflection before sighing and stripping to get in the shower.

your evening consisted of going to dinner and drinking far too many cocktails which made you crash instantly when you got back to the hotel.

the next day, you got up leisurely. you removed your smudged makeup from the night before, chugged a pint of water and got yourself ready for a day of lounging on the beach.

“so how was your weekend?” kate asked from where she sat beside you.

“it was,” your voice cracked so you coughed to clear it, “it was good thanks, freya’s cabin is beautiful. how was your time at your parents?”

“great, haven’t seen them for a while so was good to spend some time up there.”

“aw good, i’m glad.”

the silence that followed was probably a comfortable one for kate as she started to get her book out of her bag again but it was a soul-crushing one for you. you got your book out too and pretended to read whilst you went over everything again in your mind.

your day at the beach was filled with lots of reading, swimming, eating, and spiralling. it was about 5pm when you got back to the hotel room. your body felt like it was about to enter fight or flight.

“is everything alright?” kate asked, noticing your fidgeting.

“um, yeah,” you tried to sound upbeat.

“it’s just i feel like you’ve been acting weird ever since we got here. in fact, you were acting strange before we left your apartment.”

you sighed. your timing honestly couldn’t be worse if you tried but it was now or never, you thought. you couldn’t avoid it anymore, you just had to rip it off like a bandaid.

“i was trying to tell you that i need to tell you something.”

“ok?”

you hung your head and squeezed your eyes shut.

“i slept with ellie.”

˚ · • . ° .

tag list: @ximtiredx @mattm1964 @robinismywifee @gold-dustwomxn @rolly-pollie @sapphicproblem @harrysslutsstuff

an: this was probably the hardest part so far to write because i had no idea how to get the reader to tell kate. i know they’re SO MESSY BUT THATS RHE POINT

[34saveme34]

(this is angst, I'm killing him)

the crew imprisoned Puzzles for a while now, and everyone decided maybe it would be good to kill him for good if he didn't die yet. 3 gets chosen to do it. He thought it'd be an easy job

word count: 1421

It was a dark cabin where he was. Restrained. Only the wind made soft noise outside. His own odd sounds he found out to be his own breathing. He forgot how loud it can be when he doesn’t have a show running in his head. The silence was deafening but so was the fate that was coming for him. As a light source, all he had was his screen, also making humming noises. He would sometimes turn it off as the noise was slowly driving him mad. At least that gave him a sort of variety he wouldn’t have otherwise. At least it gave him a lot of time to think. For better or for worse.

On a fateful day, the door to where he was sealed away opened, the light feeling like the blinding lights of heaven. He even would’ve believed he died if he wasn’t so sure that he wouldn’t go there. He missed his chance.

“Hi, freak” 3 came in, not closing the door after himself.

“SMG3…” something felt solemn about his voice. The tone kind of frightened 3 but he tried his best to hide it.

“You don’t have to say my name like that, sheesh” 

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing, preferably”

Puzzles chuckled.

“I’ve been doing that so I’d prefer not to”

“What you do or don’t prefer is irrelevant right now”

“Uhuh… Why are you here anyways?”

“Well, I was the one picked to check on you”

“Check on me? No one ever did that for me” there was such an uncomfortable genuine vibe dripping off of Puzzles’s words, 3 couldn’t reply for a while, making awkward silence between them. 

“Nevertheless… Check on me for what?” Puzzles tried to break the silence that felt ever so concerningly familiar to him at this point.

“...To see if you’re dead… and that if you’re not, I have…” as 3 spoke, he slowly raised a gun he brought.

“So you came to kill me?”

“Yes” he pointed the gun at Puzzles.

Puzzles sighed, which was once again a reaction 3 wasn’t used to. He was used to people trembling in fear when he threatened them. Not fucking sighing. It was pretty visible how his hand with the gun lightly lowered.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 3 asked, now his voice giving away just how much Puzzles’s odd behaviour was affecting him.

“Well, for one, I was put in a closed space with no light for several days. Sure wonder who is responsible for that”

“You deserve as much for what you did”

“I… I guess…”

3 once again raised his gun at Puzzles.

“Hey… SMG3?”

Once again that tone that scared 3 so much for some reason. He whipped the gun away from Puzzles’s direction. 

“Fucking what?? Can’t I just do what I was asked to and go??”

Puzzles ignored his words.

“I heard something about how you used to be a villain”

“Yes… your point?”

“I just… when I see someone like me, I can feel it.”

3 looked at him confused, his heart felt invaded in a way he thought nobody could. Like intimately pushing in a dagger that doesn’t kill but puts you on the edge regardless.

“I’m nothing like you”

“Really?... You flinched pretty hard when I mentioned being lonely. Were you lonely before as well?”

3 didn’t reply, the gun shaking his hand.

“I mean… I understand. Loneliness can do some scary things to your brain… I do wish sometimes I could just turn back time and do things right. But I do also wonder if there would even have been a right way… I mean, doesn’t it sometimes feel like life can just… force you to be lonely forever?”

Puzzles laughed at himself as 3 raised his gun, tearing up.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” he cried.

“Oh… I hit a nerve? Sorry, SMG3… I didn’t know… we could’ve been so… similar”

“We are NOT the same”

“We aren't”

“THEN STOP SAYING IT AND DIE ALREADY”

“Shoot me then. What is stopping you?”

3 stopped, his head becoming way too loud.

He leaned against the doorway, trying to keep himself together. Why didn’t he kill him already? What was holding him back at this point? This man hurt him and his friends badly. Even his best friend… They all lost so much because of him… So then, why?

“Hey, SMG3” Puzzles’s voice was weirdly comforting “It’s okay if you relate. No one will hate you for it”

“I already said, I’m nothing like you” 3 was full blown crying at this point.

“This is starting to get dumb… relating to me doesn’t make you me”

3 looked at him still angry but his expression softened on Puzzles regardless if he wanted it to or not.

“It just shows we have similar roots… But unlike me, you were given a chance for redemption”

3 didn’t reply, looking away from Puzzles, still staying silent.

“You… don’t need to give it to me” Puzzles said “I don’t want to… manipulate you into letting me go.”

“Then what the hell is your goal??” 3 asked, trying to be menacing but that kind of rage was gone from him at this point. He broke. 

“Me? Having a goal at this point? Don’t joke… I’m just talking at this point. Talking as long as I can”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why aren’t you trying to make me trick you into keeping you alive?”

“Like you would keep me alive! Besides… even if I did, I don’t know if I could get into a normal life. Being a villain like me… does have its drawbacks”

“I… I thought that too” 3 fully turned away from Puzzles, looking out the door “I was sent to the Internet Graveyard as my punishment. and I… learned there. It took a while but I… managed to make a life for myself that I could enjoy, even with all its quirks” he chuckled, thinking about it.

“I’m glad you were given a chance, SMG3”

“I… I am too. I’m… kind of happy with where I am right now” 3 never found himself talking so genuinely to someone before as he did then. It felt odd but he relaxed a lot more now, being able to think easier. He still found the situation absurd though.

A weird silence rested between them. 3 didn’t know what to do anymore.

“Sometimes I wish I could’ve been happy too but… I missed out”

“Are you sure you’re not trying to manipulate me?”

“I’m just speaking my mind… You know, I’ve gotta if I’m bound to die soon enough.”

3 teared up. He was starting to wish this wouldn’t end.

“What… What if I… hypothetically… didn’t want to kill you anymore?”

Puzzles looked at him confused.

“What? But I hurt all your friends. It’s only fair. I know… even the fans feel that way”

“I… I hurt 4 too and… I’m still here”

“You don’t have to forgive me”

3 looked at him kind of upset.

“Why don’t you want anything?? Am I not offering you what you wanted all along?? Freedom??”

3 put down the gun and untied Puzzles.

“Fucking THERE! You can run away now and never look back. And then no one will have to know. I’ll just lie that I did it so that they don’t search for you.”

But Puzzles didn’t move. 

“You’re too kind, SMG3”

“Fucking MOVE” 3 flipped Puzzles off the chair, but he could only flop down on the ground. “BE FREE FUCKING DAMN IT” he cried.

“Why? I mean… what did I do to deserve… anything”

“I just- I just want to give you a chance, like how I got one myself- I know- I KNOW people can change” 

Puzzles sighed as he grabbed the gun but 3 took it away from him.

“No! I said leave! Not life, just this god damn prison! GO!!”

Puzzles grabbed onto 3’s hand with which he held the gun. He turned it back to himself.

3 froze, never did he meet someone so willing to die. He really didn’t know what to do.

“I didn’t think I would die to someone like this but hey!” Puzzles showed a weak smile to 3 “I’m glad it was you”

3 looked away, as soon as he noticed the trigger being pulled. He didn’t want to witness this. He didn’t want to believe anything that just happened. He shut his eyes, running out of the place, never looking back. At least it was done.

[kaleldobrev]

Shiny New Toy (2)

Pairing: Demon!Dean Winchester x Fem!Virgin!Reader

Summary: With one orgasm down, Dean is starting to have a little bit more fun with you

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: Age Gap, Cursing (4x), Smut (Oral Sex, Fingering), Degradation

Authors Note: Hope you enjoy part 2 of my Demon!Dean smut mini-series! | Things are starting to heat up now ;) | 18+ only please | MDNI | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

“You know what I really want to do my little virgin?” Dean asked. You weren’t sure if he had wanted you to answer or not, so you opted to stay quiet. Although you couldn’t see him at the moment because he was behind you, you could sense the eye roll. “That’s your cue to answer doll.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Your sorry’s came out quick, sounding slightly afraid. “Um, what do you want to do to me?” You asked. The question was innocent enough, but you knew his answer was going to be far from that.

In that moment, both of his hands smacked hard against your shoulders, and you let out a small yelp, not expecting the contact. A small chuckle escaped his lips. He leaned down a bit, just enough to press his lips to your ear. “I want to see how that innocent little mouth of yours feels around my cock.” Fuck. You thought to yourself. “Never sucked dick before right? I’d be your first?” You nodded. “Hmmm. I didn’t quite catch that. What did you say?”

You let out a defeating sounding sigh. “No.” You replied weakly.

“No what?” He asked. You couldn’t believe he was actually trying to make you say it. And you knew why, you had never talked about things like this before, well, not with Sam or Dean anyway. You didn’t mind talking about sex, but you didn’t really know what to talk about when it came to the subject because you lacked experience. Hell, you’ve only seen porn once, and that was completely on accident. You really were a virgin in all senses of the word, even when it came to watching porn.

“No, I’ve never sucked cock Dean.” You said. You almost felt yourself shudder at the words, almost disgusted with yourself that you had uttered them. But at the same time, there was a small part of you that had actually liked saying it.

“That’s what I thought.” He nodded, confirming. He came to the side of you, removing his hands from your shoulders. “The amount of times I’ve pictured you sucking my cock, doll…” his hand gripped your jaw tightly, making you look him in the eyes, “God. More times than I can count.” His eyes flashed black quickly, before turning the normal green that you had loved. “Sometimes when you were talking, I would be too damn distracted because I couldn’t help but just stare at this cute mouth of yours. Picturing myself disappearing between those lips.” He smirked, his words were more casual than you had expected. You knew Dean had no issues talking about sex, but this was probably one of the first times since you’ve known him that he’s gotten explicit with it while you’ve been in the room.

“Dean.” You said.

“That’s my name.” He responded. “What’s up baby?” He removed his hand from your jaw and found himself walking back over to the table.

“I’m…I’m nervous.” You weren’t sure if you should have shared that information with Dean or not.

A smirk formed on his lips. “Sweetheart…” he walked back over to you, finding himself behind you again. “I’ll tell you what.” He began. “You being nervous, I really couldn’t give a rats ass. This, this whole thing? It ain’t about you.” His voice was so cold, not the usual warmness it usually radiated. “Y/N.” You hated the way he said your name now. “Nervous or not, I’m taking what I want. And what I want, is for you to suck my dick, getting it nice and ready for yourself when I not only fuck that cunt of yours, but that ass too.” He grinned. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure your cunt and ass are nice and prepped for me cause, I’m not average by any means.” He leaned down whispering in your ear again. “I know you’ve seen it.”

About a year ago (the one time that you had accidentally watched porn) was the same day that you had first seen Dean’s dick. When you went to his room you had knocked, but when he didn’t answer you opened the door and had found him lying on the bed with his hand wrapped around his dick jacking off to some random porno on the TV. It was a sight that you had never actually wanted to see, but it was something that you hadn’t been able to get out of your mind since then. If you were being honest with yourself, you did (from that time on) start masturbating to that scene.

“Alright, so here’s what’s gonna happen.” He began, snapping you out of your thoughts. “As much as I love having you chained up, I’m gonna unchain you. This way, we can have a lot more fun.” He said. “But, here’s the catch. If you try and run out of here, try and do anything that isn’t being my little slut right now, you get chained right back on the table and I get to use these fun little toys here on the table. Got it?” You nodded. “Good.”

You were now unchained from the table, but you hadn’t moved away from it, afraid to actually get off despite you being chained to this for an unknown period of time. The room was so industrial looking, not the kind of place you’d have wanted to have sex for the first time, let alone have sex at all. You rubbed your wrists for a minute, watching Dean. His eyes were fixated on you, watching your every move, making sure you didn’t seem like you were going to run. Even if you did manage to run, where would you go? You were in Hell. And in Hell in just a bra no less, who knows who could find you. At least you knew Dean, despite him not fully being himself.

Dean approached the table, and placed his hands on either side of you, your knees were against your chest, and you simply stared up at him, staring at this evil grin that seemed painted to his face. “No need to hide Angel.” He said, slowly spreading your legs away from your chest. They moved without any kind of fight. He looked at your chest then and started playing with the straps of your bra. “This gotta go. Don’t you think?” He asked, but not really asking you. Grabbing the knife nearest to him he cut the straps off. “Take it off.” He demanded. Without hesitation you did what he asked if you and removed the bra, tossing it to the side.

As soon as you removed the bra he placed the knife back down and started cupping your breasts, playing with your nipples that had started to become hardened from his touch. “God you’re perfect.” He mumbled. “Come here.” He demanded. He didn’t even give you a second to respond or react, he grabbed you and pulled you closer to him so he was fully between your legs, your hands pressing against his chest. You looked up at his face, swearing his eyes flashed that harsh black color. “Don’t move.” He stated.

“Okay.” You said simply, your legs hanging off the edge of the table. Dean lowered himself, starting out slow as he started kissing along your jaw, down your neck, and stopping at your collarbone. He started sucking then, and you felt your breath hitch, feeling a slight wetness again. At your hitch, Dean took two of his fingers and started slowly rubbing your clit.

“So wet already.” He commented before going even lower and started sucking on your hardened nipples. “Your collarbone is gonna have some nice marks on them.” He hummed. As he sucked your nipples, his fingers started to slowly press themselves into you, a small moan escaped your lips. “That’s it Sweetheart.” He praised as he started pumping his fingers slowly in and out of you.

All you wanted to do was grab onto him, almost pull him closer to you, but you didn’t want to disobey his order of not moving. But it was getting so difficult. You felt yourself break, and found your hand touching the back of his head, almost gripping him. At first, you thought the simple act was going to be something of a problem, because technically you disobeyed, but it wasn’t. It almost seemed like you had encouraged him.

Hips lips and mouth made its way to your cunt, which was currently being aggressively pumped in and out of by his fingers. As he pumped his fingers, he added his tongue and mouth into the mix, pushing his tongue ever so slowly into your pussy when his fingers weren’t there, almost alternating. “Fuckkkk.” You shut your eyes, feeling a smirk on his lips.

You let out a moan, and looked down at the demon between your legs. It was a weird sight, his tongue and fingers slowly appearing and disappearing from you. The look on his face seemed almost ravenous, like he hadn’t eaten in days. He felt you watching him, and the thought of you watching him practically destroying you with just his mouth and fingers had started to make himself harder than he was before; he was having a hard time containing himself.

He made eye contact with you, and you found yourself looking away, as your chest started moving up and down. “No, no.” He said, removing his mouth and tongue. “Want you to keep watching.” He said, and you nodded, finding yourself complying with his request.

His movements again started to get more erratic and you couldn’t but release a string of profanities that you didn’t think was even possible to come out of you in that moment as you found yourself starting to come. “That’s it.” Was all he said, continuing to ride out your orgasm.

His mouth and fingers were covered in your cum, and there was a part of you that was almost embarrassed, but at the same time you were also a little bit turned on seeing him that way. “Here.” He said, standing up and bringing his fingers to your lips. “Want you to taste how sweet you are.” Dean stick his fingers into your mouth and without any kind of prompting, you started sucking on his fingers. “You’re learning.” He grinned.

“Alright Sweetheart, are you ready to suck your first cock?” He asked, but you knew he wasn’t really asking. Sheepishly you nodded. “Good, because I wasn’t really asking.” He unzipped his jeans and pulled his pants down along with his boxers; your eyes weirdly fixated on it. “Missed seeing it?” He grinned. “Get off the table and kneel down on the ground.”

You were frozen for a moment, almost not computing what he had said. “I said,” he began, taking your arm and yanking you off the table. “Kneel.” His eyes went black, and you felt your heart almost stop. His eyes turning back to your favorite shade of green.

You knelt down in front of him, your hands resting on your thighs. His finger tilting your chin up. “I know this ain’t about you doll but, the more you cooperate, the more pleasurable this whole experience can be for you okay?” His voice seemed a little bit more calm than it had been. “I need an okay from you Sweetheart.”

“Yes Sir.” The words just slipped out; all you had wanted to say was ‘Yes Dean.’ The smirk on his face grew.

“Yes Sir? Knew there was a kinky little thing underneath.” He removed his hand from your chin and held his dick in hand for a moment. “Alright, let’s see how much I can fit in that mouth of yours.”

The position you were in was embarrassing, humiliating. You were completely naked on your knees sucking the dick of your – well what used to be – one of your most trusted friends, someone that you knew you could rely on, someone you knew that would never take advantage of you.

You assumed that you were doing a good job, because as you looked up underneath your eyelashes Dean’s eyes were closed, and he was making a face that seemed to be of absolute pleasure. “You’re such a natural Sweetheart.” He mumbled, grabbing the back of your head so he could get a firm grip on your hair. “Should have had you on your knees years ago.” He praised.

You ran your tongue along the shaft slowly, keeping one of your hands above your lips as your mouth and hand moved in tantum with each other. Semi-loud grunts had fell from Dean’s lips, and you had felt a small knot in the bit of your stomach, along with the wetness between your legs starting to form again. You had heard from some of your friends that have done this numerous of times before that sucking dick was one of their favorite things to do, that the very act was something that could actually make them cum. You had thought that thought was silly, that there was no way something like that could happen, but the more you sucked Dean, the more you knew that you were about to eat your words.

“Little faster Sweetheart. Gonna cum.” His voice was breathy, and you instantly went deer in headlights. He took his hand, tilting your chin up to look at him. “Wanna watch your face as I cum down that pretty little throat of yours.” His evil grin was back, and you felt yourself shake your head a little, trying to convey ‘no.’ His face looked at you, confused. “No?” You nodded. “Too fucking bad.” His eyes went black just then, and it was too late, his hot cum started spilling in your mouth and down your throat – you felt like you were about to throw up.

Removing your mouth from his cock after he was finished coming, you had wanted to throw up; hating the salty taste that was in your mouth and now filled up your stomach. You started coughing a bit, Dean simply just laughed watching you. “You’re so cute.” He said, almost in a mocking tone. You looked at him, still naked and on your hands and knees, trying to stop yourself from not throwing up. You couldn’t imagine what you had looked like right now, but you thought you probably looked nowhere near cute.

Dean walked over to you, quickly yanking you up by your arm. As you stood up, the front of your body crashed against his chest; his hands had a firm grip on your arms, while your own arms were slightly crushed against your chest and his. If he wasn’t a demon, you would have loved the closeness you had to him right now; this was the type of closeness that you had always craved from Dean. You had loved when he would pull you close into a hug after a long hunt, or cuddle you at night when you had a bad nightmare. “Ready for me to fill you up Sweetheart?”

Tag List: @roseblue373 @beansproutmafia @queenie32 @deanwanddamons @fullbelieverheart @little-x-wolf @angiebangiee If you'd like to be added to a tag list, let me know!

[leaping-lemur]

Thoughts on the Narrator

Played Slay the Princess: Pristine Cut over the weekend and while I expected to be feral about it, I ended up having a lot of thoughts. Like, philosophical thoughts. Mostly about the Narrator.

So without further ado, let's go to the spoilers under the cut. And boy do I mean SPOILERS: everything after this assumes you've beaten the game and are familiar with its structures and themes.

I mostly figured I'd putz along and go with my gut and see where I landed for the first playthrough, with a vague “I should kill the Shifting Mound this time around," but knew I would almost certainly go with a “leave with the princess” ending because I'm a softy, and a predictable softy. So predictable that my initial playthrough path was this:

Specter > Thorn > Stranger > Prisoner > Wraith (via the Nightmare) > time loop ending (because I was a derp and picked up the knife. Hero wanted it and I can deny him nothing.  Also I expected the Contrarian to tell me to throw it out the window but he didn't join that ending.)

I don’t think it’s because I already know the basic conceit and am numb to the “do I inflict violence now, or later?” mechanism of play, because I’ve definitely wanted to claw my own/someone else’s face off during previous playthroughs. Sure, I picked nicer options because I was treating it like a first run, but we all know how totally jacked up trying to be nice can get you.

Zero rancor for the Narrator, and the final conversation with the Shifting Mound felt… kind? Part of it was the new ability to talk to the vessels directly (it felt new anyway?) with less hard edged “we fought and hurt each other and raaaaah.” To the point where some of the angrier Explore options didn't feel relevant to the playthrough, where normally I'm like “you are not the culmination of my best girls, return them >:( “ I think part of it was because I went for the gentler routes, with just enough knowledge to know when to push (my first playthrough ever got me The Prisoner which probably tells you everything you need to know about how consistently wishy-washy I am).

It was all just nice. It felt _nice_ and I was so surprised that I felt this overall magnanimity toward everyone.

I tried it again and quickly realized that this first time was a fluke. Shifty is unable to give straight answers and it was a serendipitous confluence of options that made everything feel… gentle. Subsequent playthroughs, I scraped up against the same jagged edges I’d felt before, the bits that made me go “wait, NO!” and not in the funny way.

One thing jumped out at me. I don’t know if it was present in the base game, but I never noticed it until now.

I know I said everyone felt nice in my first playthrough, but of course the Narrator is…. You know. …himself. A smug prick. So when I say nice, I meant nice _for him_, nicer than I expected/remembered, but not… nice or supportive.

And then this interaction in The Tower:

This is after Broken tries to kill you, Hero fends him off, and you do your damndest to kill Tower. Normally in scenarios where you both die, the Narrator is frustrated, disappointed, sometimes hits you with “I told you so” in some way. But… not here.

I was so struck by this feeling of the Narrator saying “you did your best, good job, buddy. I am not going to lay the weight of my entire reality dying on you, because you tried.” I don't recall another time where he thanks you as you die, either. He knows when you die, the world is potentially destroyed. He still says "you saved the world" as you're dying. There's no need for him to soften that blow except to send you on to the next world with some hope and kindness.

Then you get to Chapter 3 Fury and this Narrator is much more typical. He's furious you'd even think about dying because his world will die.

I had this weird little gut punch when I realized that 1) this totally feels like a different guy and 2) fuck this guy in particular. I'm only saving the world for Tower Narrator now!

And you know it's not just a matter of making sure the Princess dies before you, because if you kill yourself after, the Narrator is... not happy. Well, there is some language suggesting that maybe the world isn't destroyed when you die, so much as you're sent to another world with a chance of fucking things up so please just stay in the void where the Princess is dead, no do-overs, kthnx, but the Narrator also says that the previous realities have been doomed in later chapters, so the only certainty is probably that any time you start in a new reality, there's the chance you destroy all of them, so a reality where both you and the Princess die isn't necessarily saved.

I thought a lot about the Narrator when the game first released, and I'm thinking about him a lot now. I think he's neat.

He is a man (bird, mortal being, whatever the mortal beings are; all that matters is that they’re people) living at the end of his universe’s timeline (maybe it’s the heat death of the universe, the big crunch, who knows). He can either make his peace with the end of all things, or he can do the very human thing and _do something about it_. This dude literally _rewrites physics_ to save humanity (birdmanity?) even knowing he, personally, will never get to reap the rewards of his work. All he has to do is rip a god/the laws of physics apart and excise certain immutable laws of thermodynamics. Sort of. He, as a mortal, can’t do this himself, but he can set certain laws of the universe against each other and tip the scales to one side over the other. (Was the singular god sentient before the Narrator did this? Unclear. Neither Long Quiet or Shifting Mound seem aware of personhood prior, just memories of feelings). He makes a Construct in which he can run this experiment - a sort of large hadron collider for baby gods. The major rule is: the more the baby gods know about the Construct, the more they can shape it, so he can’t just _tell_ them about it. Corollary: if the experiment fails, that instance of reality dies and the Construct moves the experiment to another one.

Getting caught up in LQ or SM’s feelings is kind of beside the point. Humans hurting others in these abstract/metaphysical ways is pretty common but rarely posited _quite_ in this same way. In thinking about it, I was oddly reminded of the Ring Entities from the Expanse: to achieve FTL capability/wormhole teleportation, the rings allow ships to travel through another dimension inhabited by the Ring Entities. They are _really pissed_ about it. This becomes really clear to everyone! _It doesn’t stop humanity from using the rings, it’s not even a debate._ The Ring Entities are something very beyond human understanding and thus, abstract. Humans are very good at punching holes in reality when given the tools and damn the consequences once we have the tools in hand. Gods, extra-dimensional entities, whatever. We'll punch 'em. And that’s just, y’know, space travel!

_This_ is ending death.

Sure, we call it hubris, but that just feels like the human condition.

Which brings me to the philosophical point that many people take as a given, that I’ve never understood: that death is necessary to make life meaningful. Life matters because we know it ends.

This is one of those “understandings” people have that feels totally alien to me, right up there with “if people didn’t have jobs,* they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves.” Every time I heard someone say that about themselves, I just had to sit in that feeling of realization (again, and again, and again) that people have vastly different experiences and inner lives from each other. Periods where I didn’t have a job were hands down my most productive, fulfilling years. No longer was I scratching out an existence for myself at the margins of what little time I was allowed, I could devote myself whole-heartedly to pursuits I cared about.

*By job I mean the capitalistic ‘sell labor for money to someone’ and not a job as in ‘having a task-oriented purpose.’

I know plenty of people who do good work, whose lives would have meaning even if they lived five hundred years, or forever (I do a lot of work in wildlife rescue/rehab spaces, which may color my view of things and how driven people are, and no I’m still not over being fucking _robbed_ of some of the heroes we’ve recently lost in those spaces). Death doesn’t have inherent meaning or nobility - it’s just a fact of life, and physics, and entropy. It’s the shortening of telomeres and the accumulation of mutations. We need death to mean something because fuck, if it’s pointless, if it’s just atoms rearranging themselves in a cold, unfeeling universe, how do we face that? 

And if a flippin’ _god_ can’t give me any argument for why death is a thing that should exist beyond “stupid mortals derive meaning from it” (not that they need it for meaning, just the assumption that they do) - yeah, I think the Narrator deserves to have the scales tilted in his favor. Even if, ultimately, his argument isn’t in support of some immutable meaning about the nature of the universe, so much as “it would be the kind thing to do.”

It's so human, in the face of something that purports to be inevitable. You're at the tipping point where the inevitable isn't, anymore, and the only argument inevitability can make is... itself.

I’ve also heard people say that the Narrator’s ideal universe is a bad one: without death, he describes a cycle of forgetfulness and rediscovery. I’ve heard it decried as lonely (forgetting your friends! etc) and pointless, but all _I_ heard was my own ADHD experience when I go diving through my closet and rediscovering old hobbies. I have had a lot of hobbies. I’ll probably have a lot more. I’ve accepted that I pick things up with passion for a few months to a couple years, then drop them. Many I come back to, eventually. As I get older, the more I think that this is a pretty cool way to spend eternity.

Death being the thing that gives life meaning is axiomatic, a conclusion without support. We already know death is undesirable and the reasons why. Is death desirable for reasons other than this nebulous “meaning”? Does the universe change? Does it matter? There is already more to do in the universe than can be done, because time and space are both infinite.

Ultimately, I don’t think he’s objectively wrong, or a bad guy (this is, of course, assuming that the rules of the Construct are the rules by necessity due to the kind of story the devs wanted to tell, because the Narrator would clearly not build the Construct the way he did if he didn’t absolutely have to). I think he’s a prick, and I think he cares more about his goals than about the gods he’s made, but he doesn’t _not_ care, and sometimes he seems to care more than others.

And I find that fascinating.

UPDATE: One of the new endings addresses this point and (in world) undermines my thoughts entirely! ....I think it's still wrong from a philosophical point of view, but that becomes a disagreement re: metaphysics between the author(s)'s opinion and my own. I don't think living forever would lead to everything being done and nothing left to do (because again, infinite time means infinite space means infinite things to do) but it's purely hypothetical, can't be proven either way, and is argued over by nerds for literally thousands of years. Not like we could ever empirically know.

[boizandgurlzinthehouse]

𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐁*𝐓𝐂𝐇 ; 𝐆𝐔𝐍-𝐖𝐎𝐎 𝐗 𝐅𝐄𝐌!𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐈𝐕. 𝐍𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐍 𝐂𝐀𝐍 𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 '𝐁𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐌𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑.

summary: sometimes it's hard to deal with how fast the night changes... and how memories are used and coming back again and again.

wordcount: 5.096k (i got carried away, but it felt right to write this much uwu)

tw: swearing, angst (bad memories), crying, anxiety (attack?), badly written anxiety rambling, blood, otherwise than that it's fluff and comfort

author's note: nothing, just enjoy it girlies &lt;3

part 1 part 2 part 3 playlist!!

on the way to the bookstore, the trio was silent. woo-jin sat beside gun-woo, y/n sat opposite them. whenever the girl looked at one of them, they looked away. fiddling with her fingers, she also looked out the bus’ window. were they really bad for intervening when yang jae-myeong and his gang beat that man? yeah, because they fucked up the plan. but at the same time… y/n didn’t feel actual guilt. everytime she got into danger when she was little, her father didn’t beat her and said that if she ever gets into trouble like that, he’ll beat her. he always said that it’s alright if someone’s alive. that’s what's important. they can think about the other problems later. 

tonight, they saved a man’s life. sure, the plan was blown, but they can always make new ones. 

otherwise, should they let the homeless man die? maybe hyeon-ju is good at stalking and good with the stuff she did until now, but she never got into this situation. 

getting off of the bus, they only looked at each other. before they could go down to the bookstore, y/n stopped them, taking off the mask. 

“listen, guys… maybe it wasn’t a good idea to do this. and since the two of you are in need of money, and i’m the new one, if hyeon-ju wants to kick you two out, i’m gonna say that this was my idea.”

“you can’t do this. this is your purpose just the same as ours!” woo-jin protested. y/n shrugged her shoulders. 

“i will find another way. it was too good to be true anyways. your jobs are more important.” 

“we’ll figure it out, don’t worry.” gun-woo replied, as they get in. 

before they stepped in on the door, y/n muttered. 

“let things be as they should be.” 

hyeon-ju was fuming, as she thought. she tried not to become pissed too fast, but she didn’t know what the other girl’s first words would be. as she sat on the couch, she didn’t even let them get into place. 

“don’t sit. this will be quick.” she said as woo-jin tried to pull out the chair. y/n gulped. “did you fight him?” 

“it was unavoidable.” woo-jin replied. 

“we can’t work together. what? isn’t it obvious?” she continued, when the three looked at each other. 

“we gave you a sincere apology.” 

“i don’t need an apology!” hyeon-ju snapped. 

“but that man needed an ambulance.” said y/n, leaning on one of the shelves. hyeon-ju looked at her, then at the boys again. she stood up. 

“yang jae-myeong saw your faces, didn’t he? my plan was to tail him and gather evidence quietly. now, that he knows someone is following his tail, he’ll lie low. therefore, my plan is ruined!” 

“we wore caps and masks, he couldn't have seen our faces.” 

“right, since you covered your face, there’s no way he’d recognize you.” hyeon-ju’s tone was sneaking higher and higher with malice. “since this shitty hair was covered, he wouldn't recognize you!” hyeon-ju touched woo-jin’s hair. okay, his hair was a little unruly, but it fitted him well. “and y/n’s unusual hair! fuck, i’d recognize you from a mile away!” 

y/n scratched her eyebrows, trying to smooth the wrinkles on her forehead. 

“what are you doing? get out.” 

hearing these words, she pushed herself away from the wood. “listen, hyeon-ju, it was my idea. you can kick me out, but not them.” 

“oh, so you’re protecting them now? or what the fuck?” 

“i’m saying… that when the gang was beating that guy, it was my idea that we should protect him. i was the one who said that we would go there, and i was the one who kicked out the knife from yang jae-myeong’s hand.” she pursued, as she walked in front of the girl. her expressions held no anger, no hatred. it just held simplicity. 

“and what should i do with this information?” hyeon-ju growled. 

“seriously, i don’t know. do what you want, i don’t want to tell you, because you probably wouldn’t listen to me. but you also can’t forget that this was our first mission. at every mission, mistakes are almost common. we can always make other plans. not to mention that gun-woo, woo-jin and i never did shit like this, and you weren’t there, so you can’t judge the situation just because you think we are losers.” 

there was silence for a couple of seconds. y/n tried to hope that she would think about what she said, but the response was simply cruel. 

“the loss of your father, or your hope for revenge did this with you to say this?” 

the air in her throat stopped. her pupils dilated, and felt like those words got her heart into a fist. licking her lips, she didn’t know what to say. this was her biggest secret, and this girl just bragged about it like it was some simple topic like the weather. she didn’t want to look at woo-jin, especially not gun-woo, and felt like the ceiling of the bookstore’s gonna fall on her. she tried not to breath heavily, tried not to get tears into her eyes. and she didn’t want anyone to know about this. hell, nobody even knows this except for sir choi and his father’s friends. breathing in, trying to calm herself, she didn’t want to be here anymore. she didn’t want to be in a place where the biggest loss of her life was turned against her. smiling sadly and in the way disgraced people did it, she bit her lip, then let it go. 

“you know what, hyeon-ju? you have no right to dig into my past, under any circumstances. i tried to be kind and helpful to you, but i’m not gonna mince words, so it’s good for you if you know that after this, you deserve everything if your plan doesn’t work out.” 

when she was done, she threw onto the couch the hat that was given to her. storming out, gun-woo tried to stop her, but she softly pulled his hand away. 

y/n walked out hurriedly, wiping the tears away, not giving them the chance to run out. how could she do this? how could she use this against her? her memories were coming back to her. blood. fear. slicing sounds through meat. through organs. through the heart. through the mattress she lied under, the edge of the sword stopped right above her chest. gathering wetness of the blood, dark red pools crossing each other, becoming one big puddle. some of the blood dropping on her nose, her face, her eyelids. 

“no… no, no, no, no…” she whispered, holding her face in the hope that there won’t be more and more new ones. she had no right to do this. she had no right. she was cruel, she was evil, she wanted to get under her skin and she let her! but how could she not? 

[ 𝐆𝐔𝐍-𝐖𝐎𝐎'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ]

after telling hyeon-ju what he wanted to say, he and woo-jin stepped out of the door. he worried about his job, the hundred million won loan that he took, and how he’s gonna pay it back, his mother, and the whole smile capital thing. he was tired and hungry, and y/n was there too beside his concerns. her words echoed in his head. 

“i’ll find some other place. don’t worry too much.” woo-jin’s words were loud in the silent hallway. 

“i’m sorry… i couldn’t hold back.” he said as woo-jin hugged him with one arm. 

“you held back better than i did. and how y/n did. nevertheless, maybe i'd have lashed out too if hyeon-ju pointed out the vulnerable parts of my life.” 

“i don’t know why she had to do this. y/n even assumed that she was the one who ruined the plan. she lied for us…”

“i don’t know man, i don’t understand girls. but y/n were harsh too. even if you can save our job, hyeon-ju is sure as hell won’t call y/n back.” 

“you think?” gun-woo asked. woo-jin tiredly sighed. 

“i guess so. are you hungry? let’s go to this hangover soup place i know. oh, wait a second” he took of his arm from gun-woo’s shoulder. “, it’s probably closed because of covid. it’s past ten.” 

gun-woo’s stomach churned. it hurt damn much. it was afternoon when they ate, but so much has happened since then. 

“that just made me more hungry.” he said, bending a little bit to ease the ache in his tummy. 

“i forgot.” 

“my stomach hurts,” he told woo-jin. 

“hey, it’s not my fault they’re closed because of covid.”

“but it’s your fault for bringing it up.” 

“you couldn’t hold yourself back with hyeon-ju just now!”

“you said that i did a good job.” gun-woo disagreed. 

“i said that because you were moping like a loser!” 

“i wasn't moping like a loser!” 

woo-jin’s expression began to crease. 

“i wasn’t moping like a loser”, he babbled. clearly wanted to imitate gun-woo. 

“what are you doing now?” 

i’m imitating you, loser.” woo-jin replied as he continued to babble. “man, i’m hungry. my stomach hurts.” it hurt gun-woo more than hunger. 

“wow… you’re so ugly.” 

“how could you joke like that?” 

“what? i wasn’t joking. i’m being serious.” 

before woo-jin could argue longer, they heard soft sniffles. 

“did you hear that too?” gun-woo asked. woo-jin nodded, as they tried to look into the direction of the noise. it was dark, and they saw nobody. “what if it’s y/n?” 

“let’s get a look.” woo-jin muttered, as they began to follow the sound. it was truly y/n, sitting on a bench, her shoulders shaking, hugging herself. every cry was louder than the other. gun-woo looked at woo-jin, and without a word, they understood each other. stepping slowly closer to her, when gun-woo was at the other end of the bench, he softly asked. 

“is everything okay, y/n?” 

“idiot, she just cries out her soul!” woo-jin scolded him, and y/n slowly shook her head. she seemed so vulnerable. nothing like he know before this. she wasn’t the girl who stood proudly, she wasn’t the cool bartender, she wasn’t the girl who wanted to punch woo-jin the first time they met. she was little and hurt. it was hard to miss that her whole body was quivering, her hands before her face. sitting beside her, he tried to touch her, but didn’t know where to do it. hands? she would be too scared. back? it’s pressed to the back of the bench. it was easier to hug her body. gun-woo gulped, and at a slow pace, he reached his arm around her, pulling her into his embrace. without a word, y/n leaned into his chest, laying her hands on his chest beside her face, trying to wipe her tears. she was warm, and her hair softly brushed to gun-woo’s chin. her soft, but fast breaths fanned against his jacket. 

“i’m… i’m so sorry, i’m sorry… i fucked up, i’m the cause of your failure… i, i didn’t want that, i’m so sorry, i didn’t want to mess up��” she hyperventilated, sometimes pressing her lips together to suppress the whines that escaped her mouth. 

“it’s okay, y/n. it’s okay. don’t worry.” 

“no, it’s not… it’s not okay… i’m sorry i got angry, i’m sorry for what i said and what i did… i…” y/n’s voice got hoarse, she was repeating the same sentences again. “...i just got scared that she knows about it, i was scared that she’s gonna use it against me… i just felt so horrible, i’m so sorry…” 

gun-woo peered at woo-jin. what to do now? 

“you don’t have to be sorry about anything. you said those things because… you felt like you had to say them. i don’t know what happened to you, but me and woo-jin gonna help you. right, woo-jin?” 

“yes, absolutely.” woo-jin seemed to be a little bit… scared? for a couple of minutes, they sat in silence. y/n’s fast breaths began to slow down, and her body wasn’t trembling that hard now.

“i’m sorry for everything i said… you just wanted to help.”

“y/n, don’t worry about this. really. we’re gonna figure out something. i am sure about it, and i know that you are too.”

the girl slowly breathed in, looking up at him. some tears were dried on her face, the mascara was running low to her lips; even down to her neck. her lips were chapped from the bites, some locks of her hair were sticking to her face. wiping her eyes to see clear, she nodded. 

“thank you, gun-woo. i’m sorry but i have to go now… work doesn’t make an exception for girls who chase criminals at night.” 

when she stood up, gun-woo knew that he didn’t want her to go home alone. sure she was a good fighter, but in this state, even a hit on the head could knock her out. not to say that they were far away from yeongsan. 

“can we escort you home? it’s dangerous to go alone, and you sure are hungry.” 

y/n nodded, and when she held gun-woo’s hand to pull him up, the boy’s stomach grumbled. 

“are you two hungry? we can go to mine, i have some instant noodles.” 

“no, we don’t… we wanted to eat somewhere anyway.”

looking at her phone, y/n huffed. 

“everything’s closed, gun-woo. it’s past ten.” 

“that’s what i was telling him too!” woo-jin said, y/n let out a little giggle. 

“let’s go to mine. come on, i’m hungry, you’re hungry, we’re all hungry.” 

[ 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏 ]

arriving to y/n’s rent, it was peaceful. she lived on the eighth floor, the highest level of the row house. it had a little terrace, only to place some plants on the floor and to smoke a cigarette while standing. the living room was smaller than in gun-woo’s apartment, there was only two doors, one for the restroom, one for the bedroom. the walls were filled with photos and plants, and some weird clocks. 

“your house is very cool, y/n!” woo-jin said as y/n locked the door. 

“thanks. it was a pain in the ass to convince my landlord to have some plants here. sit down, watch some tv while i make the food, okay? make yourself comfortable!” she replied as she took off her shoes, going to the kitchen. picking out leftover kimchi from the fridge, she searched for the ramen in the lower drawer on the left. 

“can i help?” gun-woo asked from aside, while y/n picked out four packs of noodles. 

“only if you want. do you prefer not spicy, medium spicy or very spicy?” she asked, as she showed them the flavors. 

“it doesn’t matter. but i like medium spicy most.” he said, making y/n smile. 

“then medium spicy it is. can you give me the wooden spoon? it’s on the right side, above the bigger drawers.” 

“sure,” gun-woo said as he placed it on the counter. 

“do you want anything? go back and watch tv! it will be ready in minutes.” y/n said to him. gun-woo leaned to the counter. 

“i just want to help you. it’s you, inviting us dinner after all.”

“it’s nothing. i don’t have guests that often. it’s good to have someone here, to fill up the rooms with life. salt, please, above you.” 

“i don’t have many friends either. i mean, i don’t know how many friends you have… but i’m not a wordsmith.”

“you don’t have to talk much to have friends. friendships aren’t about talking. it’s about trust and the peaceful understanding of each other. it doesn’t have to be loud. my love for my parents wasn't loud either.” the girl replied as she began to stir the noodles. 

just as holding her hand, gun-woo found comfort in her words. only if she knew that he thinks the same way. maybe that’s why he wasn’t good with his ex-girlfriend. she always wanted loud confessions and high volume dates and occasions, and he couldn’t give it to her. for a long time, he thought that he was wrong for not stepping out from his shell. he already felt these things that y/n said, but never could form it into words so good like her. 

“you are too good with words.” he said, getting y/n knitted eyebrows. 

“me? how so?” 

“you don’t talk too much, but you always say something that has a meaning. of course i like woo-jin, he talks a lot and makes good jokes. i feel like he can speak on my behalf too, and this makes things easier.” 

“did you get to know him in the marine?” 

“no, after a championship. he lost against me, and i invited him to eat. then it turned out that we both served in the marine. it was before my mother assumed the loan.”

“i get it.” y/n said, then tilting her head, she leaned to the counter. “you don’t have to answer this question, but what is that band-aid on your face?” 

“oh, this?” gun-woo asked, and maybe, he blushed a little bit. “it’s… an injury that the boss of the smile capital gave me.” he began to uncover the scar. y/n’s lips tightened. 

“oh my sweet jesus… how did he do this?” she muttered as she looked at it.  

“at one night, i was talking to my mother on the phone. i wanted to help her close the coffee shop she owns, but when she called me, her voice was frightened and scared. she asked me where i am, and that some strange men were standing outside. when she tried to say something, the glass of the coffee shop was broken with a brick, and she began to scream. she was so scared… i’ve never seen her so scared. i ran to her, and fought the guys who destroyed the place. then… that man came, and another… he was stronger than anybody else i ever knew. he was like a mountain, stronger, taller. he beat me up real bad. and then, the president of smile capital crouched over me, and… well, he did this to my face. he has one, too.”

“one what?” 

“a scar like this.” 

“oh, yeah, i get it… it’s horrible. it’s so fucked up they beat up little men to get stronger. they should make a pass with the same weighted groups as them.” y/n whispered. “does it hurt?” she looked from closer, reaching out her fingers to imagine how it could feel under her touch. gun-woo gulped and shook his head. 

“no. only a little, when i touch it.” y/n pulled back her hand. the boiled water behind them almost ran out from the pot, making y/n jump back, turning around. “oh, shit, the noodles! okay, they’re not so spongy… woo-jin, come! dinner is ready!” 

after setting the table, during dinner, the trio barely talked to each other, mostly complimenting the food y/n made. she told them again and again that it’s just instant food, but the guys ate like they haven't been eating for three days. boys, y/n thought as she saw gun-woo pushing another big bite into his mouth. his cheeks puffed out as he chewed the noodle. y/n smiled, and got back to eating. after finishing the food, they helped to clean the table and packed the dirty bowls into the washing machine. 

gun-woo stepped to the door to put on his shoes. he looked on the clock, it was almost midnight. oh no… the buses weren’t working anymore today, the earliest time is three a.m. how could he ask y/n to sleep here? and woo-jin? they only agreed about dinner, not sleeping here! 

“oh, shit! look at the time!” thanks, woo-jin, he thought as he stepped beside him. “i live over the bridge, it’s at least an hour to get home…”

“woo-jin, we can’t take advantage of y/n’s hospitality. you’ll survive the little walk.” 

“but i’m soooo tired…” he yawned, and this time, he was right. gun-woo also had to suppress a yawn several times as he ate. 

“yeah, me too… but it’s not that we agreed on.” he whispered, as he continued to pick up his other shoe. when he wanted to open the door, y/n appeared beside the hallway wall. 

“what are you doing?” she asked, and she yawned too. 

“going home…?” gun-woo said, looking and woo-jin. y/n shook her head. 

“but the buses aren’t working today anymore… shit, it’s almost midnight?” she almost repeated woo-jin’s words. 

“yeah… but we’re gonna walk a little bit.” 

“if you walk home, you’re not gonna get home even at two in the morning.” y/n told them, scratching her neck. “i don’t want to tell you what to do, but… if you're just the same as me, then sleep here. i won’t mind.” 

woo-jin looked at gun-woo, smiling a little bit. 

“okay, then… we’re sleeping here, if you really, really don’t mind.” 

y/n shook her head. 

“i’ll get you two towels. i’m showering first!” 

getting out from his shoes again, gun-woo looked at woo-jin. 

“the couch is mine.” the other stated, making gun-woo protest immediately. 

“no, no! we’re both sleeping on the couch!” woo-jin sighed, and made gun-woo sit down on the couch. he looked like he’s gonna give a speech to him, like a proud father. 

“listen, gun-woo… i think you haven’t been in situations like these. when you get to know a girl, you gon dates with her, doing cute things, speaking about things she likes, or you just listen to her. because girls like to brag about anything! they love to hear their own voice.” 

“but y/n doesn’t brag. and she’s not into me, and… i don’t want to take advantage of her. she does it because she has a good heart. she could easily kick us out to the streets.” 

“no, no, no! you don’t get what i talk about! y/n wants us… wants you to stay because she likes you!” 

“okay, but that doesn’t mean that we gotta do anything. she’s also vulnerable, don’t you remember how she cried? i don’t want to disturb her feelings with this.”

“i didn’t say that you have to have sex with her! i just said, that… maybe if you said some reassuring words to her… and give her comfort… she’d feel that you are the one for him.” 

“i did this too earlier, without any secret motive.” gun-woo replied. he was confused, does anyone have to do this in the favor of getting something? gross. woo-jin rolled his eyes. 

“damn, you are too good with people. just don’t be a nice guy, but you have an awesome face, so it won’t be a problem. then just do the same things you did before, and everything will be fine. not to mention that it was so sloppy when you held hands, like in some movie!” 

“i don’t know why i did it! but i surely wouldn't hold your hand, if you sleep calmer with this information.” gun-woo replied. 

“okay, i’m relieved. but still, if things are going the right way… y/n sure has protection. and don’t do it too loud!” woo-jin laughed as he slapped gun-woo’s shoulder. 

“did i tell you that you are sloppy and cheeky sometimes? or do you already know it?” he asked with a bored face. 

“it hurt a little bit. but you were savage now! i liked it. keep it up! fighting!” 

yeah, fighting. fighting for not getting a heart attack from sleeping near to y/n. 

[ 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏 ]

after showering, gun-woo wore the same clothes he wore today. he waited for y/n to turn up, and she did, with a headband on his hair. she jumped a little bit when she noticed him. 

“oh, gun-woo, you almost scared me! what’s up?” she asked as she hung her towel, picking out a tube from the top of her drawer. sitting to the mirror, she began to cream her face. 

“woo-jin… said that he doesn’t like to sleep with somebody else beside him. so… if you could give me some blankets, then i’d sleep on the floor in the living room.” 

y/n looked at him, half of her was white. gun-woo imagined that what if that’s what he could see every night… if they lived together. he slapped himself in his mind, don’t do this now! she’s just a good friend. and she’s still vulnerable. 

“are you crazy?” 

“no… i’m not. why?” 

“sleeping on the floor will give you sore muscles. uhm, i don’t know… maybe we could sleep together in my bed?” she offered. gun-woo hoped that his face wasn’t as red as a tomato. 

“no, i… i just sleep on the floor… don’t worry, you are already so kind for letting us sleep here.” 

“gun-woo, i don’t want to press you into anything, but after this day, i think we all deserve to sleep somewhere comfy. and look, my bed is big enough!” she said as she pointed to the bed. gun-woo looked around the room; there were pictures on the wall as in the hallway and the living room, and some personal stuff like her brush, some make-up stuff or a couple of little mirrors stood on the drawer. her bed was really big, it almost covered the rear side of the room, with a window on the side. it was lovely. 

“okay, if that’s really alright with you… but wake me up anytime at night if you don’t want me to sleep here.” 

y/n smiled and nodded. 

“okay.” 

getting into bed, gun-woo offered to sleep on the inner side, just in case if y/n wanted to get some water or anything else. as they laid down, y/n’s face was in front of him. his heart was hammering in his chest. he didn’t even remember when he was this close to somebody, and y/n was beautiful. simply beautiful, without makeup too. her face was calm, and she was softly breathing. in the dark, he only could make out the lines of her expressions. 

“y/n?” 

“yeah?” 

“i’m sorry for what hyeon-ju said today. and i hope that you are okay now.” 

“don’t worry, i’m fine. sometimes memories come back, but i’m kinda used to it. it was good when you hugged me. it calmed me down much earlier. thank you.” 

“you don’t need to thank me.” 

“but i have to. i’m glad that i’ve met you and woo-jin. it’s the best thing that has happened to me in a long time.” 

“seriously? you seemed so cool when we first saw you. like you didn’t need anybody to live your life.” 

“just because i don’t express emotions… well, i think i needed some new things. but that’s my problem, sometimes i don’t even know what i feel. it’s easier to feel nothing than to be overwhelmed by ignorance. but wait, what did you think about me when we first met?” 

“why do you ask that?” 

“i don’t know. it’s interesting to me what people think about me first.” 

“okay… well, you seemed to be the coolest girl i’ve ever known. you seemed powerful, and though. somebody who i wanted to know but if i didn’t have the motivation or the cause, i’ve never dared to accost. and you seemed mysterious. i don’t know why, but when you talked about the things you live through everyday, i knew that you know more than me or woo-jin, or anybody else in our generation about life. you see people wither, you see their pain… and you continue to work there. i know you surely could get another job if you wanted, but… i think you need this pain.” 

“for what?”

“to suppress another one. i’m sorry, i didn’t want to bring it up again. it’s just a guess.” 

“that’s fine, i won’t cry anymore tonight. it was just weird for me, to hear these things from a mere stranger.” 

“i know. it would be hard for anyone. and… what was i like when you first saw me?” 

“oh, so you’re curious now… i like this. well, well… where to begin… i thought you were loyal and brave. braver than anyone. and the way you talked or bent in front of me showed me that you had respect for everyone. and a good heart. the way you talked, it was calm, but on the other side, you seemed digressive and someone who was riddled with desire to act. to do something, to solve problems. you have a kind of fire in your heart, and that fire burns through everything. that makes you unstoppable. and i see these attributes in you now too.” 

gun-woo smiled with full lips, he hoped that y/n smiled too. the compliments shoot to his heart, overflowing it with something that was beyond happiness or wholeness. he heard how she delicately yawned, her soft breath fanning his neck. was she that close to him? he didn’t mind it anyway. he felt happy, happier than ever in the last few weeks and days. and thinking about the whole father-thing, maybe it was bizarre, however, they each lost their father… but they gained a new person in their lives. someone who could fill the gaping holes in their hearts. 

“i am very tired now, gun-woo. good night. and thanks for everything. i hope you sleep well.” 

“good night to you too, y/n.”

when he closed his eyes, he felt a little movement, and then heard a creak. what– something warm on his cheek. something warm and soft, feeling like… lips? 

did y/n just kiss his cheek? 

[ 𝐘/𝐍'𝐒 𝐏𝐎𝐕 ]

maybe it was rash and random, and maybe that’s why she turned away from him. this day was so weird, and a lot of things happened… but having gun-woo here felt like she was at a safe place again. 

like she was at home again. in her mother’s embrace, under the blankets, with the heating bottle, in utter peace. 

she didn’t know why she did this. and she didn’t want to know what could be gun-woo’s reaction. she just wanted to sleep. 

and maybe it was too rushed, she only knew him for two days, and gun-woo was too good for her… but maybe she fell a little in love with him. 

𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐔𝐄𝐃.

author's note: on 8-9-10 of july I'll be on holiday (probably the only one in this sumer cdjksfnjks) so it's not so sure I'm gonna upload so fast, but this part is nearly twice as long as the previous ones so i hope you enjoyed uwu

taglist: @fairyhani @castleninja @littlebaby-bunbun @jaylans-stuff

(ask for tag in taglist in comment or here)

[netherfeildren]

FEAR OF GOD : Chapter II : Although a monster [Joel] could be charming in company

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Joel Miller x OFC

Content Warnings: Angst, possessive behavior, unprotected sex (there are no condoms in the apocalypse, only vibes), oral sex (f!receiving), squirting, brief non-graphic descriptions of medical procedures / illness,  brief discussion of avoiding meals (no reference to any sort of ED), stupid! Joel ™️

Summary: Joel gets a little stupid and a little jealous.

Rating: Explicit 18+

A/N: I wanted to mention that that I've altered the timeline a smidge to benefit my own whims. So the Joel we find here is about 50-51 and our reader is in her mid to late 20's (cw: age gap 🤓) Everything else in the timeline is the same up until Joel and Ellie return to Jackson.

Another thing, I hella make shit up in this chapter. I talk about a surgical device and there’s discussions of like mechanical/electrical engineering? which I know fuck all about. So if it reads as nonsense I sincerely apologize. There’s a fair bit of character/world building in this ch. so I hope you all can bear with me for a smidge. There is the gift of porn at the end though >:) 

Chapter title is from Anne Carson’s Autobiography of Red (my favorite book in the whole world which everyone should read). Art is Intimacy by Angelica Alzona

Word count: a whopping 9.6k (I'm so sorry 😭)

Read on AO3

CHAPTER II: Although a monster [Joel] could be charming in company

What it looked like?

Like fucking the forest for once birdless, beastless.

Like measuring the distance between all that’s lost

and everything else that, even now, waved at 

hard enough sometimes,

will sometimes wave back.

But it felt like swallowing the sea– 

being forced to, ships and all. 

Then a silence as vast as it was particular.

The like holding a mirror up to Apollo

and expecting his face there, when Apollo’s always been

faceless, obviously, being a god.

And the hand still holding the mirror up anyway.

And the face not showing.

-Carl Phillips, Star Map with Action Figures

“I mean, yeah, I’d fuckin’ like to think so. I’m not sure. She told me –”

“Ellie, you’re overthinking the hell out of it.”

“I am not,” she grumbles.

“You’re a dumbass,” you deadpan.

That riles her up. “Me?! You!”

“What’ve I done? It’s pretty obvious what’s happening here – Dina wants you to ask her out – you’re too chicken shit to step up.”

“Okay, genius. Y’don’t know what you’re talking about, first of all.” The sass on this girl, honestly. The two of you sit together at the picnic tables that’d been set out in the town center for the monthly barbecue. “You think you’re so damn smart. Well lemme just ask you this, what’s going on with Joel? You two’ve been weird as fuck lately.” That shuts you up quick.

“Don’t even start with that. The answer is nothing.”

She gives you that knowing look of hers, but let’s it go. Silently says: I know this hurts, so I won’t push. Out loud: “You started it, motherfucker.” You yank on her bangs, and she swats you away. “Maybe I should call you a fatherfucker instead,” she cackles. 

“Oh my god, I actually hate you.” You try and swat her back, yank on her bangs again. 

“What’re you two schemin’ about?” Joel’s voice comes from behind you.

“Speak’a the devil,” she says under her breath, starting to gather up her empty plate.“Nothing–” She shoots up, and brushes past, “Gotta go. We’ll talk later,” not even sparing him a glance. You look between the two of them wishing there was anything you could do to help them bridge this cold distance between them. She turns before walking off, gives you the finger behind his back. 

“Ellie, hold on a sec,” you call after her, but she’s off.

“It’s fine,” Joel says. “Leave it.”

“I’m sorry,” shielding your eyes from the bright sun, you look up into his serious face.

He shakes his head. “Nothin’ for you to be sorry about. Ain’t got nothin’ to do with you.” And that stings. Off-handedly as it’s said, it stings that he thinks their rift doesn’t affect you, make you hurt for the two of them.

How could he ever think that after everything he’d told you about Sarah –  a night that’d made you feel closer to him than ever before, while you two lay in bed, still damp and trembling – that you’d not worry about his relationship now with Ellie? Who you knew he loved like a daughter, even if he was incapable of saying it out loud. How could he think it had nothing to do with you now? After what he’d told you about himself in the aftermath of Sarah. That moment, his confession, could sustain you for a lifetime of this push and pull if necessary. With trust like that, what else mattered? Very little, you thought. 

“You get everything done you needed to?” he threads his fingers through the hair at the nape of your neck, and bends to press a soft kiss to your temple. 

You sigh, basking in this small tenderness he offers you after his casual hurt. “Yeah, we finished.” Sometimes you wonder if there’s something wrong with you, taking all this in stride. Luxuriating in his offerings of tenderness and vulnerability one second, swallowing the way he casually brushes you off another. Surely there must be something wrong with you. Especially because, when it comes down to it, you don’t really care as much as you think you should . 

“How’d it go?” You’d had to debride some areas from Mr. Schwartz’s diabetic foot this morning – super fun for the both of you . The foot was famous in Jackson. A great source of shrieks and giggles when the old man decided to pull it out in front of the kids as his so-called ‘party trick’. We all gotta bring something fun to the table, honey, he’d tell you when you tried to put on your false tone of admonishment with him. 

“Long – I had to take more than I’d initially thought I’d need to.”

“He alright?”

“Resting now… Just means it’ll be harder for him later on – take longer to recover, as best he can, in any case. And ideally, what he really needs is a boot – which we have – one… but it’s not in great condition. I don’t even know if it’ll fit him – or a wheelchair, and both of them are being used right now. So, seems my only other option is to order him into bed until I can figure something else out. And of course Connie’s all, this is on you, honey. I trust your judgment, honey. ” You deepen your tone and scrunch your brow trying to inflect Connie’s baritone. “As if that’s helpful.” 

He grips your chin, forcing you to take a breath, brushes his thumb across your bottom lip, and your eyes flutter shut, pressing a tiny kiss to the pad of his thumb. He hums a little, and you catch the flare of heat in his eyes. “You’ll worry yourself half to death, little bird. Take a breath.” You huff a small laugh. He was right about that, worry was heavy on your mind recently. About lots of different things. 

“I fixed you a plate,” you divert. 

“You didn’t have to do that, sweetheart. Thank you.” He swings his long leg over the bench to sit astride it, legs open to pull you between his thighs.

“S’alright. I was getting Connie’s anyway.” He digs in, and you card your fingers through his thick hair – overly long now, it brushes the collar of his shirt in the back, you’ll need to cut it for him soon – and watch the thick column of his throat ripple as he swallows. You press your thighs together – the sun is so strong today. You think it might be making you a little delirious. 

“You’re not eating.” It isn’t a question, posed more like an admonishment, paired with the severe crook of his brow. 

“Nah, I’m alright. Can’t have anything just yet after staring at that foot all morning,” you joke.

“You telling me you’re not as entertained by it as the kids are?” 

You roll your eyes at him. “Shocking, I know.”

He turns to give you an assessing glance now, “You sure you’re alright?”

“Just tired.” You lay your head in the cool, dark crook of his neck, breathe him in. “Birdie …” voice laced with concern – he tries to gently tug you back by your ponytail, but you burrow in further – press your lips to the pulsing vein in his neck. “I’m fine, Joel. Just tired, really.” He huffs. Grouchy man. 

“Hi, honey,” Connie shuffles up to the table. “Joel–” he nods, “You two alright ? That go a long time with Mr. Shwartz?” he asks. 

You’re grateful for the distraction from Joel’s fifth degree. “It was fine. Our handy dandy Bovie is so good.” You’d done your best recently to fashion an electrocautery device, like the ones they’d used before in surgery. The two of you had gathered the different parts over time and much voracious scavenging, to put the system together. “You’ve gotta try it next. We should be real proud of that.”

“You should be proud. You’ve got a nice mechanical mind in you, as well. You know, Joel, the body is just a machine of flesh and blood.” Connie turns his blue eyes, gone slightly milky now, on Joel, ready to impart his slice of wisdom – part lecture, part proud tirade for your benefit, as the younger man continues to work through his plate of barbecue. “She looks at the two the same way; it’s very impressive.” 

Joel finishes chewing: “Our girl is nothin’ if not impressive,” he says, giving you an impish little smirk. You pinch the inside of his thigh over the thick denim, not imparting nearly enough punishment as you’d like to. 

“Shut up,” you grouch at him. “Anyways, the lines were pretty sharp, the cauterization clean. A bit slow, though. I felt a bit held back – but not too bad, considering.”

“Considering…” Connie muses. He starts to eat as well, and the sight of the slick, sauce covered meat is slightly revolting. The sun is way too hot with the change of season into fall just on the cusp, and after staring at poor Mr. Schwartz’s mangled foot all day…  “I’m thinking with a little more juice it’ll be perfect. We just have to find a way to feed it more power without frying the whole system.”

“Yes…  it’s delicate,” he says slowly.”You should ask Noah for advice.” Joel is silent beside you, but you feel the tensing of his thigh beneath your palm at the mention of Noah’s name. “He’s always been very keen to help us in any way we need.”

“Oh, has he?” Joel drawls, in that monotone he loves to use when cutting people down. He can’t fucking stand Noah; it’s quite funny to you, actually. You nudge his knee with your own, still cradled between his spread legs, and drag your nails slowly up and down his thigh, only responding with a non-committal hum. He shifts his jaw in that way he’s wont to do when he’s especially aggravated, cocks his eyebrow at you. You give him a tiny little mocking tilt of your head. You’re sure he can see the laughter at his expense in your eyes. 

“Yes,” Connie continues, completely oblivious to the silent conversation going on between the two of you, “He’s very adept at anything electrical or mechanical. Although, you are, as well, Joel. Perhaps you could advise us too. Any help would be greatly appreciated.”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I can take a look. Offer what I can.” 

You change the subject: “Teddy’s been in again this week.” One of the single mother’s in Jackson, Susanna’s son, Teddy, had been continuously ill the past few months. Coming down with different, seemingly unrelated afflictions on and off. His mother was beside herself with worry, and you and Connie were reaching your limits on what you could do to help him. Much less actually provide a clear answer as to a diagnosis. 

“Yes, I spoke to his mother last night. Some sort of ague again, undoubtedly.”

You roll your eyes at him affectionately. Connie loved to condemn undiagnosable patients with ‘the ague’. “Connie, the ague is absolutely not a valid form of diagnosis,” you laugh. That launches him into a tirade about the conundrum the boys posed to the both of you these past few weeks. And ague is a perfectly valid explanation, honey. Neither of you are certain what’s causing his bouts of illness. Though you’re reluctantly leaning towards something that won’t pose anything good for any of you; you’re trying to remain optimistic, but the uncertainty is taking a toll on the both of you, as well as his mother. 

As Connie goes on, there’s a hazy buzz rumbling around in your brain. Your temples throb, and you press the tender spot into the hard mass of Joel’s shoulder. He’s finished eating now, and you nuzzle into him, breathe in the warm scent of his skin and sweat, grip the hard swell of his bicep – the thick muscle has the most inappropriate arousal pooling low in your belly, but your stomach churns at the same time, and the sun is so damn bright. Too many opposing sensations going on within you all at once, you’re sure you’re on the verge of sun poisoning – dramatic – and it’s making you needy. Infecting you with ideas of crawling into his lap and having him cradle you. He stiffens beneath your attentions suddenly. The soothing large palm he’d been dragging up and down your spine goes still, pausing with his fingertips tucked just below the waistband of your jeans – as if he’s just now realizing how openly affectionate the two of you are being – his muscles go rigid at your display, and then that’s it. He’s pulling away. 

Your gut twists again, your head is really spinning now – you straighten in your seat, scoot back and out of the cradle of his thighs, as far as the bench allows you. Always fucking pulling away. He’s stiff and uncomfortable, but at your retreat he clicks his tongue at you, frowns a little, and you want to snap at his subtle admonishment – you started it, what are you frowning at me for?

Connie is still going on about Teddy. “You sure you’re alright, dear?” he interrupts himself. “You look a bit peaky.”

“I’m fine.” You stand abruptly, “I’ve got to head back, actually.” Joel turns to reach for you, but you step back and away from his fingers. The heat is definitely making you grouchy, sick; you’re not acting yourself. “I promised Mr. Schwartz I’d be back to check on him within the hour.” You don’t want to look at Joel anymore – you’re used to his sudden bouts of tension – discomfort – but something is setting you on edge today. 

“You should eat something before you go, honey,” Connie says – looking up at you with concern.

“I had something before I came. I’m okay.” You turn to look at Joel now, as the lie passes your lips, a provocation held in your eyes and tone.

He frowns, “You said –” 

“I’ll see you two later.”

“Birdie –” But you’ve turned from him before he can continue, walking away quickly. Your head is spinning, gut cramping and turning over on itself. The sun feels like it’s two feet away from you, bearing down on the crown of your head, and you know you’re about to be sick. Always fucking pulling away, always. It embarrasses you a little that you still chafe at it, the back of your eyes pinching and saliva pooling heavy on your tongue. You know the way he is. 

You make it back to the clinic just in time to vomit behind the bushes on the side of the house. 

Jesus. 

-

Susanna brings Teddy into the clinic late in the evening. You’ve just finished writing up your operative note for the ‘famous foot’ (Mr. Schwartz’s words, not yours) when she flies in, frantic, with the listless child in her arms. She tells you he’d been lethargic and without an appetite all day, but she’d chalked it up to fatigue and melancholy from being ill and bedridden so often, recently. His fever had crept up out of nowhere, and now Teddy was almost unconscious, burning hot and delirious – words slurring, eyes glassy. 

It’d been hours since then. Teddy was now resting quietly with cool compresses and ice bags tucked under his arms and against his neck which seemed to be helping. Susanna had retired to the back of the house to rest for a bit, and you now sat between Mr. Schwartz and the boy, quietly reading over a text both you and Connie had already gone over multiple times – hoping to find anything that’d inspire an explanation. Most concerningly of all, you’d noticed a smattering of purple-yellowish, sickly looking bruises along Teddy’s spine. It pushed you in the direction your mind had previously taken concerning what could potentially be the cause of all of this. And even though it was the first you’d seen of any bruising on him, it didn’t reassure you at all. 

-

“Joel’s here,” Nancy, the nurse that worked with you and Connie, says quietly from the doorway. You stand from your bedside vigil, sighing. It’s late, and you don’t want to do this now. A little embarrassed from your earlier fit. A lot tired from the long day and throwing up and the heat. 

“Can you come out and get me in two minutes, please? Interrupt us.” 

She gives you an assessing look. “Sure.”

You walk out to the office to find him leaning against your cluttered desk, bulging arms crossed against his chest, straining the sleeves of his button down. There’s a far off look in his eyes, scowl marring his brow, but when he looks up at you all the tightness in his countenance seems to melt away at the sight of you. “You alright?” His gaze is assessing – sweeping up and down your frame, taking everything in like always. The man sees entirely too much. 

“I’m fine. I need to stay here tonight, though.” You jerk your thumb back towards the exam room. “They need me.”

“You said you were tired.”

“It passed – just the sun.” He looks at you like he doesn’t really believe you. 

“About earlier—”

“It’s fine, Joel.” You feel too tired, too strung out, to give him an out by pretending to ignore that he’d hurt you, pissed you off. Let it be what it was – you had a sick child to care for – couldn’t think about all the distance that would seemingly exist forever between the two of you, not right now, at least. 

“You lied about eating.”

Oh, now he wanted to be fucking honest. You roll your eyes at him, watch his jaw clench. “What?” Tone bratty and antagonistic, “No I didn’t – you misunderstood.”

“You told me you didn’t want to eat, and then you told Connie, not fifteen minutes later, that you’d already eaten.” 

“Well then I misspoke – that’s not what I meant.” You turn away from him towards the desk, busy your hands with the papers littered across its surface to avoid his eyes. You feel like fighting – like baring your teeth at him, and you hate it. You don’t want to fight with him, ever. You want, need, things to be okay between the two of you. “Why are we arguing about this? I have to get back.” The bite in your voice startles you for a second, and your hands pause their shuffling. Turning back to face him, wide eyed and shocked at the way you practically spit the words at him, but, fuck it, you decide to just go with it. 

He doesn’t let you, though – doesn’t take your bait. You watch the muscle in his jaw feather rapidly as he grinds his teeth, fists curled into knots at his sides like he’s trying to restrain himself from throttling you – and you think you’d kind of like him to do it. You’ve gotta be PMSing or something because where is all this sudden desire for violence coming from? You definitely need to sleep soon. 

He exhales a slow breath through his nose.  “Not try’na argue, baby… just figure out what’s wrong.” Your heart twists painfully, the back of your eyes pinching and hot, and you will not cry right now. His words make you even more angry because if he cares so much about such seemingly small things like this, why can’t he just let everything else fall into place between you as well?

Nancy pops her head through the open door, calling your name, “Need you when you’ve got a second.”

“Be right there, Nance.” You throw her a grateful look. 

Turning back to Joel you rub your forehead, trying to press the ache that’s taking root in your brain out with your fingertips. “Nothing… nothing’s wrong. I’m just…” you sigh, suddenly very sad, very tired. You take in his weathered face, his brow pulled down into a scowl anyone who knew him less would take for anger, but you see it for what it is: concern, discomfort, frustration at the tension that’s held constant between the two of you all day. The both of you pulling away and then yanking each other back. You can see he wants to move past this, avoid whatever fight is brewing – too much for him to handle. You know he hates it when you’re angry and annoyed with him, and doesn’t that have to mean something? Please, please it must mean something more. But you’re too tired for this now, your body overwrought from its brief bout of sickness earlier, from your long day. You’d like to go to bed with him and not wake up for a year. Lay on his chest and feel the movement of his breathing rock you to sleep, count the spaces between his ribs, make a home for yourself within them. A great jealousy for his heart, the organ itself, writhes in you, that it gets to live inside him. You’re feeling melancholy and exhausted and overly emotional . Sad that even when he’s the source of your turmoil, your hurt, he’s still the only one you want to go to for comfort. You clear your throat, “I’m fine, Joel. Really.” You try and give him a small smile. “I was in a mood earlier, but I’m okay now.”

“I need us to be okay, Birdie. I– I know…” he looks away, hisses through his teeth in frustration. “I know I don’t always act like it, but–”

You hold up a hand to stop him. You don’t want to, can’t, listen to him try and make excuses. Explain to you things you’ve always understood about what this thing is between the two of you. “We don’t need to do this. I promise everything’s fine. I need to get back.” You step forward to press a kiss to the underside of his jaw, to appease the both of you, but also if only because you can’t help but touch him when he’s near, hands snaking up his belly and chest to fist in the collar of his shirt. He hums low in his throat and grips the back of your neck, other hand low on your back to press you to him, and everything inside you goes liquid hot and wanting, just at the feel of him, the scent of him.

“Try and rest.” He breathes you in at the crown of your head, and you nod against his chest.

“I will. Don’t worry.” But you know he’ll do that anyways, and that alone is a comfort.

-

Connie meanders in about midnight, nocturnal creature that he is, to check on you all. You’d pulled the armchair from the office into the corner of the infirmary while you read in the corner. An all night vigil wasn’t exactly necessary – Teddy’s fever had broken about an hour ago, his vitals were stable, and Mr. Schwartz had been snoring the night away for hours. Nancy lived on the second floor of the house, and was always near and available if necessary, but you were peaceful here. Tucked away in your corner with your book and a throw draped over your folded knees. The anxiety you’d carried heavy in your belly all day had dissipated. Thoughts of Joel settled now, compared to the frenzied hysterical swarm they’d been all day. Sometimes this need for him scared you. That your mood, your physical self, could so easily be altered by him, by his own mood, his words, his touch. The tether he held you by was so strong, it felt unbreakable, permanent. It scared you to think what would become of you if one day he decided to break it.

Connie passes a hand over the boy’s forehead, murmuring to himself as he examines him, pops his stethoscope in to take a listen. His movements are slow and practiced, methodical. You’d always loved watching him work. You’ve passed so far into the realms of exhaustion, you’re a little delirious now, your mind and vision hazy, and you rest your head against the wingback and watch. “He’s settled now. Vitals are steady.” You hum in agreement.

He turns to look at you then, his gaze contemplative as he takes a seat on the bench along the end of the bed directly in front of you. His tired groan makes you smile a little, old man. The fondness for him squeezes your heart. He has something to say, you can tell. “I know your father was an exacting man,” he starts. You nod, still quiet. You know that now is a time for listening. “I think of him often. I know I never met him, but he wanders into my mind quite frequently. I think of the things you’ve told me about him, about your mother and sister–” When you’d first become close, it’d been hard for you to speak of your family, of Beth and her death, but eventually you’d forced yourself to. For no other reason than that the thought of you being the only person left in the world that remembered their names, that knew their stories, wrought a grief in you so profound, it was impossible to keep it all inside. You were scared if you didn’t share, if you carried all that alone, you’d lose yourself in their memories forever. “I think that after all that, after living their deaths in such a gruesome way, it could have been very easy for you to lose yourself in all that. Do you agree?” Another small tilt of your chin. The precision with which he’d always read you, understood you, was the greatest comfort in the world. That sometimes it wasn’t even necessary to tell him out loud what it was you were feeling or needed for him to pick up on it. 

“But you didn’t.”

“I didn’t,” you finally say.

“No…” his eyes take on the thoughtful look he gets, the one that makes you wish you could read his mind sometimes, read the wonderings of that brilliant mind like one of your textbooks. “Instead, you became a splendid and thoughtful physician. A seemingly impossible thing, no? Now, with the state of the world for you to have pieced together a vocation such as this…” his milky blue eyes glint with humor, pride, “Well, it’s all very impressive, my dear.”

“Thank you,” you acknowledge. 

“And even more impressive, considering the fact, that had you been given a choice in the matter, you would never have chosen this for yourself… had the world been different, normal.” And there it is again, that keen sense of knowing.

“Yes.” There is nothing more to say. It is, after all, your most painful, most honest, most shameful truth. Painful, not in the sense that you carried any regret now, when you cared for your patients, when you put the knowledge your father and Connie had given you into practice. But painful in the sense that it chafed at your skin, that desire for other . That small seed that had the great potential of growth within you, to spread like ivy around a house, and squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, until all you were left with were thoughts of what could have been. 

“But like I said… your father was an exacting man, and this is what he chose for you. And then, perhaps, even I played a part in that same theft of choice from you.” You try to interrupt him then, to vehemently deny it, but he continues unheeded. “You got here and you seemed to be a sort of benediction to me. A vessel for all the knowledge I could impart on you. A shepherd I could leave this flock to.” He slips his glasses off the bridge of his nose and wipes them slowly with the hem of his sweater. “I know you’ll take good care of them when I’m no longer here. That they could not have ended up in better, more caring hands.” You hate when he talks about his dying, fills you with a premonitory dread you don’t know how you’ll cope with when it becomes actuality. “But alas, you did what was set upon you, took it all in stride.” He pauses, as if contemplating what he’s about to say next, and you know the point of all this has arrived. You even know where it is he’s going with this. 

“I say all this, my dear, not to dredge up old painful memories, or reminders of what could have been… But because I would not like to see your choices taken from you once again.” And there it is. He levels his gaze at you, quiet for several moments, and it’s like he is here in the room with you now, his presence, his unsaid name heavy and poignant.

“Joel’s a good man, honey, but he’s a hurt man. Hurt in a way I don’t think even you could cure.” 

Your instinct to defend him is immediate. “He’s not— he’s not a hurt man.” You shake your head, brow furrowed, “He’s been hurt before, but it doesn’t define him, Connie. It’s not the sole contributor to who he is.” And that’s true, you know it is. Believe it to your very core. You, who knows Joel better than few others, you know the pains of his past don’t define him.  Perhaps before, they did. A pain so acute it molded him into a creature focused only on survival, or perhaps, he let it get the better of him at times. But he is so much more than all that. Has the strength and the will to set it aside when he so chooses to. Ellie being the perfect example of that. 

Choices, choices, those were the things that defined a person.

“Isn’t it? You can’t live off the potential you see in someone forever.”

“I hate it when you say that.” You sit up, let your feet drop to the floor, and lean forward to stress your point. “What are we all, if not vessels of untapped potential? We’re all just walking around with the possibility of something more inside of us. Of course, of course I value the potential I see in him! I know he has the possibility of so, so much inside of him – that’s what makes me… That’s why I –” You cut yourself off before you can make that confession, a choked sound leaving your throat. You look out the nearby window at the dark street, press your thumb hard into the center of your forehead, will the tension and frustration out of the skin and bone. 

“I know… I know,” he says gently, offering you his hands, palms up – a sign of concession. “But it’s not enough to hang all your hopes and dreams on just that. I want more for you than just that . I want you to have choices. To be able to have what you truly want, what you truly need. I would not like to know that something unfulfilling has been forced upon you once again by the circumstances of this world.” And he says it so sadly, with a look of such tenderness in his eyes, it makes embarrassment burn hot and red in your cheeks. The back of your eyes pinch. What must they all think of me when they see us together? The part that perhaps does, or should, make you the most embarrassed, is that you don’t really care at all. Not in any substantial way that would make a real difference, make you act differently. “I’m not unfulfilled, Connie. I love what we do here,” you say softly.

“I know that, I know. But still…I just–”

You rest your aching head in your cupped palms, bent elbows propped on your knees. You’re so fucking tired. “Connie, please, I know…” you whisper. “Just, please, no more tonight… I’m exhausted. You can tell me all this another time – tomorrow. Just no more tonight.”

“Alright, alright, dear. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to give you grief.” He stands, comes towards you to rest a gentle palm on your shoulder.

“I know… and you’re not… It’s me.”

“I only want good things for you, darling girl.” You press your hand over his on your shoulder, give a short nod. 

“Go home – you need rest. Nancy will stay with them.”

“I can sit for a few more hours. Teddy likes to know I’m here.”

“No, no,” his voice takes on that stern fatherly tone he likes to whip you into shape with sometimes. “Enough for tonight. They’ll both be fine. You’ll see them tomorrow.”

You scrunch your nose at him, “Bossy.” But you stand to go, draping the blanket over the back of the chair. He pulls you in for a hug then, envelops you in the comfort and steadiness he’s always offered you, from the very start. He always smells faintly of peppermint and mothballs and old paper. “It’ll all work itself out, my dear. You’ll find a way. You always do. I’m not worried about that.”

-

Joel watches you leave the clinic from his spot in the shadows across the road. He’s been posted here, obstinate and pissed off with himself, for hours. Especially because he’s certain this must be a new low for him, sulking in the dark, watching for you like a creep. But he just wanted to be close to you. He knows you lied to put him off earlier. Your conversation had left him unsatisfied, restless. He knows you’re pulling away because he’s pulling away. Because he’s putting you off, and he tells himself he’ll give you space, tells himself that’s what’s best, but knows it’s a lie as he thinks it. 

The thing is, despite his obstinance, Joel was not a man who lacked self awareness. He was, in fact, very good at recognizing a thing within himself, and yet still able to make a conscious decision to feign ignorance towards it to the outside world. This set up worked well for him – sometimes … on occasion… But this was different, and he knew it. Feigning ignorance would not work between the two of you for much longer. You were getting tired and sad and frustrated with him and he could see it and hated himself for being the cause of it. And if he was being honest with himself, which in this moment, he was trying to be, he was getting tired of it too, tired of himself. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in this position with a woman. On the verge of … something. Something he couldn’t confess, even to himself, yet. But to allow himself that, to allow himself the simple act of even admitting what he knew was the truth of his feelings for you – there was a part of him, a very broken part that had not been used in a long, long time, that couldn’t even imagine it. To allow himself that sort of vulnerability. To allow himself the truth of there existing another person in this world, in what this world had become, a partner – a woman he cared for, needed . It was too vulnerable, too precious a thing to allow himself. Perhaps before, perhaps in a world not overrun by death and disease and violence – by loss. 

But what did that even look like anymore? A world bereft of monstrousness? Wiped clean of the beasts that had overtaken it, human or infected. Could Joel even remember such a thing – even imagine it, if only in his dreams? He couldn’t even discern which of the two was worse anymore. Part of him knew it didn’t really matter. Not in the end. It was all conjecture when it came down to losing your life – losing the person you loved. Whether it was fungus or a bullet – dead was dead.

Sometimes he didn't even feel like a person anymore. Just this thing that existed at the periphery of the world. In the moments when he pushed you away, when he turned from the loving look in your face, forced himself to brush off your words and your affection, to hold you at arms length – to protect the vulnerable, scarred mass of his heart – those were the moments in which he was most like a creature, least like a man. 

He thought of a world where he felt safe enough to go to the woman he loved, his Birdie, hold you in his arms and say: here is everything I have for you, I’m begging you, please take it . 

Such a world didn’t exist in Joel’s mind. Couldn’t fit. He’d been stripped of the ability. To have something so vulnerable and new. A type of fragile he’d not held since his twelve year old daughter lay bleeding and broken in his arms, and have the ability to say I am strong enough to endure the possible loss of this. I need you this badly. So badly I am willing to risk even my own heart. 

It looked like trying to swallow the sea. 

He follows you home in the darkness. 

-

“You get that fixed alright?” Joel’s voice barks from the mouth of the garage. You startle, your knee slamming into the underside of the workbench. Deciding to follow through on Connie’s suggestion from yesterday, you’d come to see Noah, knocking on his door bright and early this morning, Bovie clutched in your hands. He’d been more than happy to give it a look for you. The two of you had been sitting here for about an hour now, and in that time you’d seen Joel’s form stalk by at least three times, from out of the corner of your eye. Absurd man that he was, you knew he’d been psyching himself up to barge in here and interrupt the two of you. Seemed he’d brought his attitude with him.

“Jesus, man–” Noah’s hand grips your smarting knee, rubbing it gently, “We didn’t hear you come up.” Joel’s left eye twitches at the we, his gaze zeroed in on the hand on your knee, his teeth bared in the perpetuation of a ridiculous growl as he takes a threatening step forward. You lift your brows at him – all your fire and fight from yesterday put to rest now after some much needed sleep. He cocks his brow back at you, shifts his jaw side to side in annoyance.

“Absorbed in your work?” he drawls sardonically.

“We’ve made some good progress actually! Come see,” Noah says, completely missing Joel’s mocking tone, the poor thing. He gives your knee another gentle pat, and you think you might just see steam come out of Joel’s ears. He steps up behind you, chest pressed close to your back and passes a hand over your hair, presses a kiss to the crown of your head. This fucking guy. Now he feels like getting handsy. You scrunch your nose at him, turning back to face Noah and the Bovie, your shoulder pressing into Joel’s belly. Noah takes in your positions, the possessive hand now curled around your neck – looks back down at the knee he’d just grabbed and then back to Joel’s broad intimidating form and scowling face. You see a slow swallow move through his throat. As he starts to explain the changes the two of you had made to the electrocautery generator, you consider the differences between the two of them. The contrast is stark. Noah isn’t small by any means, average height, a nice build – but there’s something about Joel. Some sort of warning in the air around him, in the space he takes up in a room, that makes him larger than life – something that says don’t fuck with me or mine. Heat pools low in your belly and you press your thighs together tightly. Fucked up, you’re fucked up – you try to brush his hand off your neck – suddenly feeling overwhelmed, your skin overly sensitized. “Quit –” he says low in your ear and you almost whimper. He’s jealous, and it’s turning you on. There’s definitely something wrong with you. 

You try to shake him off again,“ Let go.”

“No.” His voice is steel. Noah is heedlessly going on about the Bovie, about how it only took a slight rewiring from the generator into the hand-piece without overwhelming the system; giving it the little bump of power it was missing. Joel’s thumb brushes a slow, warning path up and down your neck. Down, down, to the top notch of your vertebrae, slowly kneading the fine muscles surrounding the prominence of your bone and then up and pushing into the base of your skull. His hands are warm and dry – the rough calluses abrading your sensitive skin. You feel the flush in your cheeks traveling down over your chest, the tips of your breasts tightening to painful points. You see Joel’s eyes flicker down, taking you in, and he gives a contemplative hum low in his throat.

“I’m so glad you let me help,” Noah says with a warm smile. He’s sweet and so genuine and as you take him in, how completely unaware he is of the silent struggle going on between you and Joel right in front of him, you’re struck by how easy loving a man like that would be. And how unfulfilling for a woman like you. What is it about some people, that they can’t appreciate a good thing unless it hurts a little?

“Connie and I are real grateful that you could help. You let us know if there’s anything we can do for you.” Joel gives him a short nod as you leave.

And then, soft and threatening into the shell of your ear as the two of you walk away from the nice, sweet, uncomplicated boy: we’re goin’ home, and I’m gonna lick that cunt until you’re cryin’, little bird. 

Your steps speed up, trying to outrun the clutch of his hands on your skin, trying to escape – even if just a little. 

You never stood a chance of that. 

-

He follows, menacingly on your heels, as you dart into your house. A rabbit trying to outrun the big bad wolf. You make for the stairs and you feel the tips of his fingers ghost lightly in the ends of your long hair, one foot on the first step, but then his finger is catching in your belt loop, yanking you hard into his chest. Your back thumps against him with a small oof and then his hands are skating along your curves, big palms squeezing your breasts, pinching your nipples through the cotton of your t-shirt.. 

“Bad Birdie, try’na run from me.” He nuzzles, gentle, gentle into the nape of your neck, the line of your hair, presses his mouth to the top notch of your spine. You feel his hot, wet tongue slide over the jut of your vertebrae, small peppered kisses to your nape and your entire body flushes hot – arousal pulling low and tight in your belly. Your clit throbs in time with his panting breath in your ear. His soft mouth is totally at odds with the tension he’s holding himself with right now, the harsh way he presses his fingers into the skin of your hips. 

You can feel the thick length of him pressing into your ass; he’s hard as stone and throbbing – turned on by the chase. You moan, deep and wanton, slick pooling in your panties, ready for him now , just at the feel of his hands on you. “You want it, baby?”

“Y– yes,” you stutter, pressing yourself harder into him. 

“Want me to fuck that needy little cunt?”

His voice is so deep you feel it vibrate through his chest and into your back, down, down your body all the way to the tips of your toes. “Please, Joel,” you whimper. You try to turn in his arms, but he clicks his tongue at you, wrapping his arms more tightly around your waist, half dragging, half carrying you up the stairs to your bedroom.

“I always give my Birdie what she needs, don’t I?”

-

“Settle now. Stay still so I can eat you how I like.” He hitches his hands higher up the backs of your thighs, beneath your knees – spreads you further apart, up and back to press into your breasts, making more space for the broad valley of his naked shoulders. He’d gotten you naked and into bed, quick as a viper. His desperation, evident in the wild look in his eyes. He was unsettled, either by the tension between the two of you yesterday or you around another man, but he was trying to prove some unspoken point to the two of you in the ferocity of his grip on your skin.

He settles his face deep into your sex now and eats. “Who’s all this wet for, huh? Were you thinkin’ about me while that boy tried to get in your good graces?”

“It’s too much. Please, please, please,” you sob. Tears making a slow, steady journey back into your hairline, dripping into your ears. You yank hard on his hair, try to direct his movements. You can’t tell if you’re trying to push him away or pull him closer. 

“Want me to stop?” He laps at your clit.

“I– I dont– I don’t know–” It felt like he’d been at this for hours. “I–”

“It’s okay.” Soft, whispered kisses to the puffy lips of your sex, your slippery inner thighs. You’re so wet, and you’d have burns from his beard and bruises from his teeth tomorrow. “I know, I know you’re just a little bird,” his teeth sharp and mean to the softest part of you, then the broad flat of his tongue to soothe – a sharp, quick suck to your swollen clit. His volley between rough and tender on your vulnerable sex setting you further on edge than anything else he was doing. “But you can take it for me.You can be so, so good for me. My good girl.”

Your cunt pulls tight – throbs like a wound. Hurts in a way you’re desperate for. You love him, you love him, you love him. Goddamn the things he does to you, makes you feel. You need him so much and he gives it all to you exactly in the way that’s the most perfect, just for you. You feel fucking delirious, on the brink of insanity. 

He pushes two thick fingers into you, cunt spasming and clinging. He scissors the digits inside of you, stretches your hole. The squelch is lewd and obscene and messy. You can feel your cheeks burning red and hot, and you throw an arm over your eyes as you feel your slick leak down between your ass to pool on the sheets beneath you – hiding yourself from your own obscenity. 

“Pussy s’fuckin’ good, baby. Tastes like candy.” He pulls out his fingers, slaps your cunt, twice, quick and sharp. The sound you let out shames you, high pitched and whining. “Fuckin’ red ‘nd gaping for me. God, Birdie –” he moans so deep it makes your heart race, brings his mouth back to you – licks a broad stripe from hole to clit with the flat of his tongue. His mouth latches to the aching swollen bud and sucks. “You need me so much dont you? Fuckin’ come in my mouth – wanna taste it.” And he’s right, he’s right, you do, you need him so much. In that instant, you feel so grateful that he knows it.  

Your back arches, everything liquid within you pooling low in your pelvis, pulling tight, and it feels like the world is about to end around you; a catastrophe even greater than anything the cordyceps could have ever wrought. This is what he brings out of you with his mouth and his fingers and his words, and you gush onto his face. He almost fucking whines at the splash of your orgasm on his tongue – slurping down everything you have to give him, you feel your wetness cover his face and beard. This is what you give to each other. 

He gentles his fingers and tongue. Letting your orgasm coast along into echoes and throbs. You try to push him away with your foot on the thick mass of his shoulder, on the brink of overstimulation, but quick as a viper, he circles his entire large palm around the fine bones of your ankle and squeezes. Quit – presses a tiny kiss to the protrusion of your bone there.

“ Mine,” he growls. “Mine, no one touches you but me–” His hands open you wider for him, fileting you for his eyes only. You feel hot and flush, your skin tight, to the point of bursting, like an overripe plum in the sun. Skin fragile and thin, insides viscous, ready to spill your flesh for him, blood burning hot as it churns in your veins. “Not fuckin’ done yet, Birdie. Not done with this perfect pussy.” Tears make a slow path down your temples, your fingers tangled in his hair, wanting to hurt– just a little. Like the delicious hurt of holding him within yourself. The way it feels like an old aching bruise inside of you when he stuffs you full of his cock. And then he’s up, up, up – quick as a whip – his fingers shoving into the tangle of your hair at the nape of your neck, captured in a tight fist like prey in a snare, and he’s shoving your own taste deep into you with his tongue. The kiss, open and savage – he’s fucking your mouth like he was just fucking your pussy. Your heart pushes against the bones of your chest, and you desperately clutch at his shoulders for some sort of countenance. He unmoors you . You have been unmoored by this man. And you want – need – more. 

He kneels between your open legs, thick thighs anchoring you wider and fists his cock, the head gleaming and painfully red. He pulls your thighs over his own thicker ones, and presses the fat tip hard to your sensitive clit, making you jolt and whimper pathetically. “Cock drunk, that’s what you are.” All you can do is nod dumbly, eyes glassy and wet. His voice is so deep. He drags the head down to your entrance, presses just a little, only the fat tip held inside you. He fucks you short and shallow like that, his hips moving in tiny, slow jerks. 

“Please,” you sigh, your eyes fluttering shut at the subtle pressure, at the promise of what’s about to come, “Please, Joel.”

“Please what? Please what?” he mocks, just a little mean, and then he’s surging inside in one brutal thrust. Fucking into you without warning and he’s huge — almost too much to take, even after your orgasms. “Fucking tight,” he grits out. He hoists you up, arms wrapped around your waist and starts fucking up and into you, hard. Not giving you a moment to adjust. Letting go of the restraint he’d held while he ate you out. Cock battering into something deep and sensitive inside you, all you can do is take it. Let him have you as he pleases. 

-

He can feel your slick pooling at the base of his cock and sliding down his balls. He wraps his hand around the fine bones of your jaw, “Who’s pussy is this?” he growls over the wet slap, “Wanna hear it out loud.”

Yours, yours, yours. 

Your face is flushed and sweaty, cheeks red as an apple, eyes glazed, dark, wet lashes clumped together. The fucked out look in your eyes doing more for him than anything else. This is what he does to you, only him . He picks up the pace of his hips, fucks you harder, harder and your tits bounce against his chest. He slaps one of them gently, appreciating the soft jiggle it gives, the small gasp you let out. His other hand snakes low on your tummy and presses down into your pelvis so he can feel the battering of his cock inside of your cunt and shit he’s gonna come soon. Gonna come with his hand feeling himself fuck you from the outside. “Too much, too much, Joel ,” you whine. “Oh god, I– I’m gonna–” You’re soaked, sweat and slick sliding between your two bodies, and clutching him hot and tight as a fist. He can’t get deep enough, can’t give it to you hard enough. He never wants to stop, will never be able to stop. 

“You’re taking my cock so good, so fucking good. Jesus fuck, I can’t, I can’t–” He slates his mouth over your open panting one, licks into the sweet, red gleam of you. Your arms wrap around his neck, and he drags his teeth along your full bottom lip, lets it go with a little wet pop. You moan, head falling back on your neck, beyond words. He bends his head, hand wrapped around the fullness of your tit to bring it to his mouth, bites gently down on the tight, aching bud, laves his tongue around it and sucks it into his mouth. Then he’s pushing you back, letting you fall and bounce onto the mattress, legs splayed. When he pulls out abruptly you whimper – he can’t let himself come yet, not yet, just a little more – and he leaves a hot trail of open mouth kisses down your neck, over your shoulder, sucking the peak of your breast into his mouth again, over the swell of your belly, until he’s between your thighs again and bends his head to devour your slick. His tongue licking deep inside where his cock just was. He’s frantic. There’s no reason to the sense of urgency he feels, the urgency he’s taking you with right now. It’s something subconscious – something primal telling him to mark you, lay his claim. 

He can’t stop taking and taking, always taking.

He pulls up again from between your legs, the abruptness of his movements confusing you, leaving you to deliriously allow him to do with you what he will. “Taste us,” he says as he licks into your mouth, fucking his aching cock back into your spent cunt, so fucking tight always. “One more, baby. Gimme one more, lemme feel you milk me.” And like his own personal little marionette on a string, you do. Pussy fluttering and then pulling tight, a little furl of a knot, squeezing his own orgasm out of him. He feels his balls pull up tight and he’s painting you inside, teeth latched tightly to the delicate muscle that connects your neck and shoulder. The sound from your throat is high and keening, supplicant. He licks the hurt he’s just left. Grinds his spitting cock deep, right into the mouth of your womb. 

Mine, mine, fucking mine. It is a mantra of reassurance for the both of you. 

-

He cradles you in his embrace afterwards, his body wrapped around you as if he were a vine grown from your very heart. He sighs, the sound deep from his chest, and you want to tell yourself you can hear a yearning desperate enough to match your own in the cadence of it. His head drops to your shoulder, nuzzles the vulnerable space beneath your jaw, now riddled with his bites and bruises. You know you’ll enjoy inspecting them in the mirror tomorrow, feeling the warm pull of your belly at the reminder. And the moment is so achingly tender, even more intimate in a way, than your sex. The feel of him surrounding you, soft and quiet. Your eyes feel hot, pinching threateningly. 

“I have to go,” he murmurs, spent cock still buried inside of you. He presses kisses to your hair, your lips, over your closed eyelids. He can’t stop, God, he’s tried – is trying – but he can’t go, can’t part from you. Fighting is so fucking hard when you’ve got no will behind it. When what you’re trying to fight against is the thing you’ve wanted more than anything else in your whole life, and the only thing standing in your way is yourself, your own inadequacy. Perhaps he could endure the agony, the filth of life, the loss, the loss, the loss, with you held in his arms like this. 

His patrol shift started almost an hour ago. The guys were going to ream the hell out of him, he’d been here with you for hours, and still, still he couldn’t stop, couldn’t pull himself away. His lack of will, lack of restraint, of self control – his body and heart’s inability to do what his mind told him to, makes him so angry. At himself, and maybe – not at you, never you – but perhaps, at what you represented. All he wanted but couldn’t let himself have in full. He needed to go. He had responsibilities. He had truths to confess to himself. 

He was in love with you. He was. He was.

Joel was an obstinate man, but he did not lack self awareness. Now was the moment for this truth, if only confessed to himself. So, angry, and in love with you, and tremendously sorry, he turns away. Pulls out of your tight wet clutch with a wince, your breathy gasp making his cock twitch slightly, even so soon after he’s just come. You roll over, burrow into the pillows, and he grips the swell of your ass, pulls you apart to feast on the sight of his come leaking out of you. Obscene. Wet and messy and swollen, marked by his spend. He wants to bend for a taste but knows if he does, he won’t stop, will be likely to start all over again. “I gotta go, Birdie. M’already late.” He bends to nip a gentle bite to your ass cheek, one small last taste, then the press of a kiss. He hopes you can feel all he cannot say with that touch. The soft sound of acquiescence you hum as you burrow further into the sheets has his teeth clenching as he reaches for his clothes, heart turning over in his chest. He’s sure every sound out of you has a direct connection to his cock at this point. 

He won’t shower, won’t wash your drying come from his body. He’ll take you with him, wear you on his skin. Anyways, what did it matter, really, when he already wore you on his heart, his soul? What was one more conquering of his self? Perhaps this was, ultimately, what swallowing the sea looked like.

Chapter III

Netherfeildren Masterlist

[steddie-island]

Just Because We Get Around

Part one of Fuck His Dad. A fic based on this post.

Summary

Eddie pulled Dustin’s hands away from his ears and threw an arm around his shoulders. “Seriously, Dusty, I’m not gonna sleep with your dad. You have nothing to worry about.” ...Maybe Dustin had something to worry about.

Steve had been feeling it for a while now. He felt it in the creak of his joints when the weather changed too fast, felt it when he noticed a new silver streak in his hair. He was still in good shape, he wasn’t decrepit or anything like that. He still played ball with Lucas when he came over, he still swam a couple mornings a week, and coaching the girls JV basketball team meant he got some exercise running up and down the court with them. Still, sometimes he would just have a few days in a row where he felt it more than others, and it kind of got him down. 

Steve Harrington was getting old. He wasn’t nineteen anymore, he was forty-five now. He had a job, a 401k. He had a kid in college for Christ sake. 

Dustin was maybe the thing that made him feel the oldest, though. Not because of his age, but because he was always talking about some new game, new trends, using some new lingo. It drove Steve crazy . He tried to keep up, but it was hard when things seemed to change at the blink of an eye– and then he felt like even more of a fucking geezer for complaining about the speed of the way things changed, too. 

He was trying to listen to Dustin and his friend Eddie, who had been bouncing ideas off of each other for the better part of an hour for what they could do to get more attention on Eddie’s band online. The more they talked about tiktok trends and their social media presence, the more Steve felt in over his head. 

“You’re leaving, Mr. H?”

Steve turned around to look at Eddie and Dustin again. “Yeah, figured I’d go catch the end of the game.” “Oooh, you’re ditching us for sports ?” Eddie shook his head. “I’m insulted.” Steve rolled his eyes. “I think the two of you have this under control. You don’t need help from an old man.” “Old?” Eddie shook his head and looked at Dustin like Can you believe this guy? “Mr. H, you’re not old.” “I am, too,” he laughed. “Yeah, he is,” Dustin agreed. He made a face. “He’s my dad , of course he’s old. Now–” “No he’s not.” Eddie moved to rest his elbow on his knee, and he gestured towards Steve. “You’re not old, you’re still, like, hot. ” 

Steve’s face heated up while Dustin just gaped at his best friend. “Dude, what? Gross.”

“He is!” Eddie insisted. “Look at him!”

“I am! That’s my dad! ” 

Steve laughed again and moved to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “I– you’re sweet, Eddie. Thanks.” He meant it, too. Eddie was probably just being nice, but it still felt… good. Especially coming from the pretty boy with the curls and the tattoos and eyes so deep that anyone would have a hard time not getting lost in them. 

He managed to not stare, but only just barely. This was his son’s best friend– one of them, anyway. Sure, Dustin hadn’t been friends with Eddie since he was a kid, like was the case with Will and Mike and Lucas, but still. He didn’t want to stand here thinking about how hot the guy was like an old creep. 

Eddie wasn’t the first guy Steve had noticed. There had been Tommy Hagan when he’d been in school, who was mean but had freckles that stood out when he laughed or when he was pissed. There had been Billy Hargrove– who was pretty but a complete fucking asshole, and Steve hadn’t given him a second look when he found out the kind of person Billy turned out to be. 

There were guys in college, too. A professor whose shirt sleeves had hugged his biceps, a teacher’s aide whose pants had hugged his ass in a way that had given Steve dreams that still made him flush to think about. 

He leaned back against the refrigerator, his eyes on the countertop. “I think if I was born in your generation that I might’ve been bisexual.”

Eddie and Dustin both stopped talking. Dustin was staring at him like he didn’t recognize the man in front of him, and there was something like curiosity in Eddie’s eyes. The boy gave him one of those crooked smiles. “Mr. H, it’s not too late,” he said. “You know that, right?”

“Not too late to be in your generation?” Steve asked, eyebrows raised. He was sure he was missing something, but he was only half processing the conversation. His mind was back on the teacher’s aide, on the team members he’d had crushes on and just hadn’t realized it yet. 

That crooked grin grew into a smirk. Those dark eyes raked over Steve, going from his head to his feet and then back up again. “I meant that it isn’t too late for you to be bisexual, but uh. Yeah, you could be in my generation if you wanted to be.”

Dustin smacked Eddie’s shoulder with the crown of his cap. “Dude, shut up !”

Steve nearly choked on his water. “I– yeah, I– thanks,” he said again. Dustin looked like he was ready to spontaneously combust where he sat, so Steve gave a wave, a rushed excuse, and he left them alone in the kitchen. 

Finish reading on ao3! 😘