#anyway I might as well Judy take one of those and SCOOP out my fuckin heart while you’re at it jesus h Christ Alex

[sentientsky]

I do wonder if Crowley's optimism is actually optimism. If it weren't 4 a.m., I'd do a philosophical deep dive, but since it is, I'll just try to string some thoughts together.

At the core of Crowley's questioning stands, "What is the point of it all?"—it's what he wonders as Starmaker and what he defeatedly asks Shax at the beginning of season 2. It strikes me as a very specific flavour of trauma-related existential dread reinforced by his fall and the concept of the ineffable plan.

The thing is that Crowley already knows the answer to that question; it's just not a satisfying one. Because what is the point of it all? of us? of our lives? of all the suffering and the good and the bad and, well, everything?

There is no point. It's a fact you need to come to terms with rather quickly if you grow up traumatized, otherwise, you will break. There was no point in Crowley falling, just as there's no point in anything he or Aziraphale did over the last few millennia—they just are.

It's why any meta questions focusing on God won't get anywhere, there is no answer God would ever offer us or them; there is no answer that matters, period. Maybe God has one, maybe they don't, but it has zero effect on the story or what happens to them. It's terrifying, in a way, to think about it like this, because if there's no point to any aspect of our lives, why bother? Why bother when there are so many horrible things that could happen?

And THAT is where we come all the way back around to Crowley's optimism. He has long accepted the lack of answers (though I can tell you from personal experience that you never really stop asking anyway), but he needs to find a way to live with the world as it is.

'Everything's going to be fine sooner or later' isn't optimism; it's what you need to tell yourself to not jump in front of the next train.

Crowley's optimism is dreams. Dreams of him and Aziraphale being happy and together, dreams of their cottage in the south downs, dreams of heaven and hell never touching them again.

Dreams of life turning out to be better than what he is currently living.

From the outside, it can certainly look like optimism, but I see him, I am him, and I can guarantee you that it's not. It's a tiny pinprick of light in an otherwise dark sky that may or may not be actually there, but if you stop telling yourself that it exists, there's nothing left but darkness. You're afraid of the dark and its teeth because you have been bitten by them before.

So you keep repeating it over and over and over, and maybe one day it will no longer be a lie or you will be the light, but for now this is what you got.

It is also the reason why Crowley is going to be a wreck in season 3. Finally, he thought, we can be together and happy, and in love without being afraid. He reached for the pinprick of light, thinking it to be a star, and got ripped apart by sharpened teeth instead. Crowley needs that lie, and he just got completely disillusioned.

What's the point when, after everything, Aziraphale still leaves him?

No matter how much they love each other, Crowley needs to find an answer to that question within himself, not in Aziraphale or anyone else.